Episode 323 - Jonah Ray
Marc:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck, buddies?
Marc:What the fuck, nears?
Marc:What the fuck, a filiacs?
Marc:What the fuck, a delics?
Marc:Okay, that's it.
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:Thank you for tuning in.
Marc:I don't know when you're listening to this, but I'm tired right now.
Marc:I just got done shooting for 13 hours, not complaining.
Marc:I am living my dream.
Marc:There's no doubt about that.
Marc:But I have never been through this before.
Marc:And it was it's.
Marc:It's not even that it's that exhausting.
Marc:It's just a lot of attention.
Marc:It's not easy to play me.
Marc:Again, I don't want to come off as I'm complaining.
Marc:I just want you to know where I'm at.
Marc:I've been jacked on coffee and focus and lights camera action since 7.30 this morning.
Marc:Couldn't be more excited.
Marc:I'm very surprised, quite honestly, at how well I'm dealing with it.
Marc:If there's any hope I can give you,
Marc:wherever you are in your life.
Marc:But let's just say you're at that point in your life where you're so overwhelmed with anxiety and paralyzed with dread and self-doubt that no matter what opportunity you might get in your life, you will fuck it up just out of complete fear that someday there's a good chance that will go away.
Marc:I don't know when it happened for me.
Marc:I do know that if this happened, whatever I'm doing now, even a few years ago, I would have just been exhausting myself with deep, utter dread and panic.
Marc:And I'm just staying focused and I'm trying to do the job.
Marc:I'm looking at it as a job.
Marc:You know, I had a lot of say in all these scripts and I had a lot of say in the locations.
Marc:It's all very familiar to me.
Marc:It's in my neighborhood.
Marc:And I'm just trying not to be too self-conscious and not to freak out.
Marc:And it's not even requiring that much effort.
Marc:And again, I'm not even bragging.
Marc:I'm just telling you, I'm trying to figure it out in my own heart, in my own mind, where the fuck...
Marc:Did this go away?
Marc:When did this happen?
Marc:And I got to be honest with you, and I probably have said this before, but I am just too old to get all freaked out for the whole fucking day anymore.
Marc:It's exhausting.
Marc:And I don't know where I learned how to turn that switch off, but it is off.
Marc:And I've got a certain amount of sort of tunnel vision.
Marc:I feel myself trying to reserve my fuel resources.
Marc:Like even in between takes and when there's a lot of other shit going around, just sort of shutting down, going into some sort of reptilian metabolism, literally closing my eyes and turning my heart rate lower and dropping my body temperature a little bit.
Marc:I'm doing some sort of turtle lizard snake thing to keep my mind from spiraling into chaos.
Marc:And it's not that hard.
Marc:I'm saying this to to hopefully provide you with some hope.
Marc:If you are freaking out at every turn, if life is just a humming, vibrant frequency of panic.
Marc:It can be turned down, man.
Marc:You're peaking.
Marc:Turn it down.
Marc:Keep it in between the lines.
Marc:Keep those zigzaggy things in between the lines.
Marc:It has been very thrilling, though.
Marc:Oh, before I forget, fuck you to the guy that defaced the Rothko at the Tate Museum, Tate Gallery in Britain.
Marc:Some dude just came out.
Marc:I don't even have the story in front of me, but I heard about it.
Marc:Love Rothko, one of my favorite paintings.
Marc:Will always enjoy standing in front of a Rothko and just getting lost.
Marc:But some asshole decided he was going to market, you know, just fucking scrawl something on there.
Marc:Partially his name.
Marc:I don't even know if they figured out what the hell it was.
Marc:And this was his art.
Marc:Well, I got something to say to people that think that defacing genius with their fucking scrawling stupidity.
Marc:That's not art.
Marc:And that's been done.
Marc:It's all it is.
Marc:It's like, yeah, look at me.
Marc:I can ruin something that is so far beyond anything I am capable of.
Marc:And I deserve attention for that.
Marc:Fucking asshole.
Marc:That's not rebellious.
Marc:It's not anarchy.
Marc:It's just disrespectful and petty and stupid.
Marc:And you might as well just scrawled.
Marc:I have no talent across it.
Marc:I have no talent and I'm uninspired and needy and angry that I can't even mine my own meaninglessness and
Marc:For something interesting that I have to shit on someone else's genius just to get the attention that will go nowhere.
Marc:This isn't Dada.
Marc:This isn't situationist shit.
Marc:This isn't even interesting.
Marc:It's cowardly.
Marc:I'm in a trailer on set.
Marc:Now I'm finding that depending on the trailer, a trailer is just a furnished toilet.
Marc:These ones are pretty good.
Marc:Not as big.
Marc:I take a couple hits.
Marc:I'm no prima donna.
Marc:I didn't make big demands.
Marc:I wanted the money to go into the show.
Marc:Working with Danny Trejo for three days in a very unique role for him.
Marc:I spent three days with Machete.
Machete.
Marc:And we're shooting out here in Highland Park, and this guy might as well have been the king of Highland Park.
Marc:I mean, the Latinos in my neighborhood literally were coming out of windows, out of doorways.
Marc:They were calling ahead.
Marc:They were calling their friends up the street.
Marc:They love Danny Trejo.
Marc:It was beautiful to see, and he loves the attention, and it was really sweet.
Marc:Really sweet.
Marc:And it was funny because he said something that I'd never heard before.
Marc:I'll tell you what that is because I think I'm going to start using the word because I think I'm guilty of it.
Marc:He was reading a lot of lines.
Marc:He's like, wow, man, there's a lot of lines here.
Marc:There's more lines in this script than I've had in my last five movies combined.
Marc:And he was talking about writers.
Marc:He's like, you know, sometimes these writers, they just like to start profounding.
Marc:Profounding.
Marc:That is a Danny Trejo ism that I'm going to have to use because God knows I'm guilty of it.
Marc:Profounding.
Marc:And that doesn't mean I'm being profound.
Marc:It means I'm thinking I'm being profound and I'm putting that out there.
Marc:That is profounding.
Marc:I don't I don't think it's a good thing.
Marc:The news on Boomer is still not good.
Marc:And now the problem with with me is that now that I've hold this other stray cat responsible and I know this other stray cat eats at life five different places.
Marc:I'm not putting out food for him.
Marc:Does that make me a bad person?
Marc:I feel like Mary Tyler Moore in ordinary people that I already say that.
Marc:I don't know what to do.
Marc:I just I wanted to clear the palate of my yard in case Boomer is still staying away.
Marc:And I know this guy has other places to eat.
Marc:That's how I'm handling it right now.
Marc:I am keeping hope alive.
Marc:That is what I'm doing.
Marc:I'll let you know what happens with that.
Marc:I'm deeply heartbroken.
Marc:I just have to move on.
Marc:I have a lot of things to do.
Marc:Did I even mention who's on the show today?
Marc:Jonah Ray, one of my favorite fellas.
Marc:Can I say that?
Marc:I think he's a good guy.
Marc:He's a guy I hang out with.
Marc:He's from Hawaii.
Marc:And he's on the Nerdist podcast.
Marc:The very sweet and funny and talented Jonah Ray.
Music
Marc:I have a hard time distinguishing between honest, good, cynical, cultural criticism and just calling a guy a dick.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I just think it's really a tone thing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Isn't it?
Guest:It's weird because of Twitter and podcasts, it's really defined who's friends with who.
Guest:And now it feels at this time in comedy more than any other time that I've experienced is that you feel you have to be friends with everybody.
Marc:now that's i think that's uh the ideology of the uh of the brand you're involved with and then i just you had already started you already you couldn't even wait a minute jonah ray who you know as a stand-up comic first and foremost for me and also uh you know one of the sidecars on the nerdist podcast
Guest:Hey, you know, you hitch it to the right buggy and it goes a long way.
Marc:Yeah, why not, man?
Marc:But no, the idea that you can't, because of the community now has now become expanded into the internet world between Twitter and podcasts.
Marc:I've always had a hard time with that.
Marc:I mean, I learned that lesson with Adam Sandler, where it's like, hey, you're a big enough icon to where at some level you have to distance yourself from people not necessarily attacking you, but acknowledging that you're a cultural icon that they might have a problem with.
Marc:Like, is it possible to say, like, look, I'm okay with Chris, but I don't like what he's doing.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I understand that.
Marc:But there's no way, because we all know each other, that when it comes right down to it, yeah, I can say that with some relative distance, but when I see Chris, he's going to be like, well, I don't understand why you had to...
Guest:Well, it's also it's the idea that can you be friends with someone that you have nothing in common with politically?
Guest:You know, it's just best or religiously.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I have friends that, you know, growing up, we were all pretty what seemed pretty, you know, agnostic, atheistic.
Guest:But then, you know, some of my friends continue to go towards Christianity and are now really involved in it.
Guest:And do I you know, I don't agree with it at all.
Guest:But do I stop being friends with them because of the other things they're doing?
Guest:Or do I just base our friendship off of the interpersonal relationship we have?
Marc:Well, well, well, are they I think that's all based on the fact is is is whether or not you see them and they're like, how you doing, Jonah?
Marc:Have you found Jesus yet?
Marc:I mean, does that happen immediately or does it happen maybe an hour or two into the conversation?
Marc:It seems like you could remain friends with them up until they start going, you know, you seem lost.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But they don't.
Guest:So what are you going to do?
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:I'll remain.
Marc:Let them judge you and just pray for you and feel that pity that they have.
Guest:I heard you read a letter where the latest, it's like, hey, I know you don't get this at all, but you're okay.
Guest:You're going to be saved.
Guest:Don't worry about it.
Guest:Something like that.
Guest:I don't know if it was that... Oh, maybe I was just paraphrasing, Mark.
Marc:No, I think I had to take some action.
Marc:I think it was more like, you know, I can... Oh, you can.
Marc:If you need a little... Yeah, you know, you can.
Marc:This is always an option for you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Jesus is always right there.
Marc:It's like Jiminy Cricket.
Guest:Just slick your heels and snort some fairy dust.
Marc:You're going to be okay.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Yeah, that fairy dust can go either way, though.
Marc:You don't know what you're going to get when you snort fairy dust.
Guest:You've got to be in the right headspace.
Guest:And it's got to be good fairy dust.
Guest:It's got to be really good fairy dust.
Guest:It's got to be pure fairy dust.
Guest:It's got to be chopped up fairies.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They can't be wearing any synthetic wings.
Marc:Yeah, and it can't be, you know, it's either, you know, there's an issue now where it's like, is this crank or is it fairy dust?
Marc:Because I don't want to crank.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, and I hate it.
Guest:I don't want my fairy dust cut up and diluted with baby laxative.
Marc:Yeah, fairy dust shouldn't make you fart, generally.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:I just shit my pants.
Guest:This is amazing fairy dust.
Guest:Most of the time, that's the thing about cocaine.
Guest:You snore cocaine, and the first thing that you feel is the need for more cocaine.
Guest:The second thing is, I got to go take a dump.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:That means it's cut with that stuff.
Marc:Yeah, I said something to somebody recently.
Marc:I said, oh, they asked me advice.
Marc:I said, cocaine is stupid because there's just never enough.
Guest:No matter how much you have, no matter what the situation is, at some point you can be like, oh, fuck, we got to get more.
Guest:There's no more.
Guest:That's the thing that people say, oh, this happens to you on Coke.
Guest:The biggest thing that happens is that you just want more.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:And you're just chasing that first two lines.
Marc:You're chasing that feeling of the first half hour for the next three days, depending on how committed you are and how much money you have.
Guest:I have a scientific fact for you.
Guest:If you do cocaine enough times, you will end up in a bathroom with another guy talking about Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Guest:That is a fact.
Guest:And that's happened to me many times.
Guest:And sometimes, most times, I'm the guy bringing it up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because that's interesting.
Marc:Did you know that, dude?
Marc:Did you know the guy you were hanging out with?
Guest:No, do you ever?
Marc:When you're doing Blow in a Bathroom, do you ever know the other guy?
Marc:Right, but I think that's a strong testament to Tom Petty's amazing talent.
Guest:Listen, to put out Wildflowers, not Wallflowers, when you put out Wildflowers that far into your career in 1994, and that had like three hits on it, it's a great testament.
Marc:But it's like a common American bonder.
Marc:Like, you know, if you're at a loss, you just throw Tom Petty into the mix and you've got conversation.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, if there's a guy that's like, hey, what about those games last night?
Guest:You go, oh, hey, how about some Tom Petty?
Guest:They go, yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Marc:Exactly.
Guest:That's my way around talking about sports.
Marc:When you feel too nerdy or too outside of the region of conversation with a person you don't know, fucking Tom Petty.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Drop it.
Marc:If they're white, talk about Tom Petty.
Marc:Yeah, I've done that many times.
Marc:I think I agree with you.
Marc:I agree with you.
Marc:You're going to end up talking about something for a long time that you might not have thought you had that much to say about.
Guest:Well, that's Tim Kazerinsky.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Really?
Guest:He's coming in?
Guest:I want to hear this.
Guest:Well, Tim Kazerinsky has the best quote about cocaine use.
Guest:Oh, I didn't know that.
Guest:He was talking about back in the SNL days when everyone was doing coke.
Guest:He says, I never really got into it because the thing that cocaine does is it gives you diarrhea of the mouth but constipation of the brain, which I think is like the perfect way to describe cocaine.
Marc:Yeah, who is it?
Marc:Jimmy Tingle had a thing where it's like, you do it off a mirror so you can see what an asshole you are.
Marc:That was pretty good.
Marc:So you had some comments about my new haircut, which is fine.
Marc:I like your new haircut a lot.
Marc:It's been a while since.
Marc:I don't think it's that drastic as long as I keep the facial hair right.
Marc:People still know who I am.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You just brought it.
Guest:I mean, I shaved and then I had some guy telling me, oh, you don't have facial hair right now.
Guest:I'm like, yeah.
Guest:They're like, well, that's your thing.
Guest:Yeah, who are you?
Guest:yeah i mean who are you really yeah don't let my fucking thoughts and ideas uh tell you who i am as a person please let it be my people gonna know that you're the same jonah ray that they saw with the uh with the goatee yeah well that i don't i wouldn't do a goatee well no what you do so you did my thing you told you your thing yeah not zappa's thing no no no this is post zappa man yeah zappa's behind us we on red bones behind us general custer general custer is behind us
Guest:now it's the Marin yeah this is what I'm doing like that's the weirdest thing about having these kind of things is like when I'd run into you there'd be that moment like yeah we're both doing this yeah no you wouldn't even you're like you wouldn't say yeah we're both doing this you say so you're doing that you're doing mine that's me that's mine that's me
Guest:Yeah, I don't like I like having facial hair a lot and I like throwing it out and having it's one of the perks of being a guy, I guess.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But what happened, like I was doing a pilot for Comedy Central last year and I had one of the more humiliating moments in my life where we were sitting outside of every day or.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, every moment of every day.
Guest:But this is like one of the when.
Guest:When, uh, when it's not only me making fun of myself, it was just a whole room of like, you know, common central guys and people working on the show.
Guest:And there was a conversation about how it was going to look and dress.
Guest:And then the guy was like, well, I don't think we need a, we, we shouldn't do plat shirts.
Guest:And I was like, well, I, that's all I wear since high school.
Guest:I don't feel well.
Guest:I don't feel well when I'm not in there.
Guest:Like, yeah, so we'll just do like a solid color shirt.
Guest:Uh, should we do a t-shirt?
Guest:I'm like, that's even farther.
Guest:That shows my boobs even more.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:it's a boob issue well yeah so i have a weird beard body issue uh but that's why i like you know these like western shirts i i i'm on board with that yeah the plaid and also the plaid on the pockets if you notice are tilted to even further confuse you from my man boobs yeah yeah and i didn't even realize it but now now i know underneath there no i don't see them that's good you're wearing a bra no no it's a bro uh or a man's ear whatever that's i felt episode
Guest:Uh, but like, so they're like, get rid of the plait shirt.
Guest:And then, um, and then they're like, oh, we got to change his glasses.
Guest:Cause I had kind of more old timey looking glasses.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they said, well, we can't have those glasses.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, oh, okay.
Guest:Uh, and then like, oh, he needs to shave and he needs to get a haircut to clean up his hair.
Guest:Oh,
Guest:This one, it's like a Bill Hicks joke and just put them in that dress and send them out there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so like, and I'm getting really upset and I'm saying yes to it all because I'm, you know, I want the, I want to make them happy.
Marc:They know better than what you've grown up with and grown to appreciate what makes you comfortable.
Guest:It was weird because it's all of a sudden like, were they, who were they even asking for at that point?
Guest:And then that's when I got, I felt really worried because I was like, well then is that who I think I am?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Am I just a fucking, you know, black jeans woman?
Guest:western shirt facial hair fuck yeah maybe maybe maybe they're right maybe i need to hold to overhaul yeah yeah exactly that's the worst but i'm just i'm a white guy so i need to do things to like define yourself yeah sure sure or else you're just gonna be like uh it's another white guy yeah when i when i was told in fourth grade that i needed glasses i got excited me too yeah i was like great that'll define me yeah that's something yeah and then when people tell me about you know getting lasik i go no a personality has developed around these yeah i can't like if i take my glasses off you and you're probably one of those people too people are like oh my god
Guest:put him back yes like what's happening yeah my eyes are far apart yeah nothing works yeah yeah the face is wrong deanna like you know she's starting to rock contacts your girlfriend yeah my girlfriend deanna and like um she looks great i think without glass she looks great either way but she looks beautiful without her glasses and then but every time we go out someone's like oh i didn't recognize you yeah and then it just she's like oh well then fucking what they're kind of you know stepping lightly on who she is like you know yeah so you're not with uh yeah yeah
Marc:Who's this?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:Does Deanna know about?
Guest:They see a girl with bangs and glasses and they just assume she's with me.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:All of them have been with him.
Marc:Any bangs, any Betty Page in Erdwick.
Marc:So they told you you got your hair because you went to that place I went to.
Guest:Yeah, and then I needed a close shave.
Guest:And the one time they made me do it.
Marc:Oh, so it was just a shave?
Marc:It wasn't a haircut?
Guest:It was a haircut.
Guest:I'd already gotten the haircut.
Marc:At Sweeney Todd?
Guest:Yeah, but the day of the pilot taping, I needed to shave.
Guest:And I've never shaved with a straight razor in my life.
Guest:You mean personally?
Marc:No one does.
Marc:You hire someone to do that.
Guest:No, even just a normal, like, Bic.
Guest:I never did it.
Guest:I always use hair.
Guest:clippers oh that's the way to go yeah fuck your skin up i have a i have a doughy face and i like to keep a bit of facial hair on it to like you know convince people i might have a jawline so you're this is all an illusion you have boobs and no jawline yeah exactly i am just a mass of flesh of white doughy flesh i've been describing my body lately as of a uh i look like a heroin junkie that's really into pizza just heroin and pizza yeah that's all yeah if he's not nodding off he's having a tasty slice
Guest:Just needles and pepperoni.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:Recently at a show, I mentioned the one time I smoked heroin and it fucking like everyone just shut down on you.
Guest:I was like, what?
Marc:Isn't that weird?
Marc:It is weird.
Marc:Like there's that line because, you know, I brought that up too.
Marc:And that's there's just this line where it's like, nope, we don't have that experience.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Who the hell does that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was kind of hoping it was going to be like, can you believe I did such a thing?
Marc:And now they're like, oh.
Marc:It's weird how stigmatized that is.
Marc:It's like, no, I'm not a junkie.
Marc:I didn't shoot it.
Marc:I did it once.
Marc:And I smoked it like people smoke hash.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Or like pot.
Guest:Yeah, it was hard to bring people.
Guest:What do you think that is?
Marc:You think it just scares people?
Guest:It's a stigma.
Guest:It's heroin.
Guest:That's the last stop on the drug train, really, for a lot of people.
Guest:Because everything else, you can smoke.
Guest:You can still smoke cocaine if you wanted to.
Guest:You could smoke crack.
Guest:You can smoke meth.
Guest:You can smoke heroin, though.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But the thing is, but most people know heroin as a needle thing.
Guest:And that's a lot of effort.
Marc:Well, they don't know that black tar bullshit that you get in these.
Marc:Anyway.
Marc:That black tar heroin looks just like hash.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Doesn't look any different.
Guest:It trick you every time.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You want to get wet.
Marc:Oh, this is going to be good.
Marc:Why am I throwing up and scratching my face?
Marc:This is great.
Marc:What's happening?
Marc:What was your experience with it?
Marc:uh i fell asleep pretty quickly yeah that was me too like i vomited a lot and then i fell asleep yeah i felt shitty it was uh you gotta learn how to ride it i guess i'm glad it was never my thing it's also it's a everyone says it's after the vomit was when it gets good but anything feels great after you've yeah yeah you've achieved something it's out of me i'm good
Guest:So how does this tie into your haircut?
Guest:Oh, so I go to this place, this Sweeney Todd's place.
Guest:Yeah, which I enjoy.
Guest:You enjoyed it.
Guest:I got this fucking dude who is just, he, I'm sure his nickname is Doofus.
Guest:It's like, he's just, he's dim.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's like the character Dim from Clockwork Orr.
Guest:I think I saw that guy there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he comes in late.
Guest:He smells of booze.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then like the, when I know he's coming in and then there's the other guy that's working there, it kind of goes up.
Guest:Hey, man, we open at nine.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he's like, oh, no, I'm sorry, man.
Guest:Hey, last night was crazy.
Guest:He's like, oh, just please get to work.
Guest:There's like people waiting.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he's getting, he's like, hey, can I borrow your stuff?
Guest:The guy didn't even bring his fucking, you're supposed to bring your own scissors and razors.
Guest:The guy didn't bring anything.
Marc:And he's hung over.
Guest:And he's hung over.
Marc:And he can smell that booze-saturated lung thing.
Guest:And he's giving flyers for his shitty rockabilly band.
Guest:I know the guy.
Guest:The guy was there.
Guest:And he was talking his ass off when I was in there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, and he's just an idiot.
Guest:He's just an idiot.
Guest:And then this is the guy that's going to have a fucking straight razor near my throat.
Guest:And he's like, you know, I see his handshake.
Guest:He's like, man, what a crazy night.
Guest:I didn't get much sleep.
Guest:I was like, then don't, don't, not my me.
Guest:We don't have to do this.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'll wait for the other guy.
Guest:I'll wait for the nice clean cut gentleman.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And yeah, and then like he's just going on and then like he asked the guys like oh I can't borrow something He's like you got to bring your own man, so I know it's okay You but can I can you front me some money so I don't buy a new one?
Guest:I found a really good set down in Long Beach series Yeah, the guy was just a fucking fuck up how and so and then again I get the shave and it's so painful It's so fucking pain.
Guest:Did he draw blood?
Guest:He drew some blood and the amount of makeup they had to put on me at the shoot later on because of just how my face broke out it was all red and
Guest:Oh, no.
Marc:But that's also because you didn't shave.
Marc:You can't put it all on him.
Guest:Hey, but here's the thing.
Guest:A week before, the Bix style shave happened to me.
Guest:It was done by Jordan Vogt-Roberts, the guy who was directing the pilot.
Guest:He shaved your face for you?
Guest:He shaved my face for me because he's like, you've never done it here.
Guest:I'll do it real quick.
Guest:And he did a fucking better job than this professional idiot.
Guest:You never... But what'd they do to your neck?
Guest:You said they fucked up your neck?
Guest:Yeah, he just would... She was shaving and it just like...
Guest:It's scraping the skin out.
Guest:And I thought, I was like, maybe you should use some more moisturizer.
Guest:I don't know what to say to tell them what to do.
Marc:That's the most awkward thing about that thing.
Marc:It's like, this guy's a professional, right?
Marc:And then you're starting to realize he's in charge of my head.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:He's got blades and he's in charge of my head right now.
Marc:I could be a lesson to someone else there to not say anything.
Marc:I had one of those shaves.
Marc:I'll get those shaves a lot because I don't shave either.
Marc:I shave with a beard thing as well now.
Marc:but like if i'm in a town that has those kind of barbers i'll go because i like the experience of it i don't uh no i do if they do a good job but i did it once in a story of this greek guy joe's barber shop in a story i'm like oh he does shaves i'll get a shave motherfucker man he like nicked me once and he's bleeding i said oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm like it's okay it happens and he puts some of that chalk on there that uh whatever it is a salt
Marc:And then, like, boom, he hits me again.
Marc:I'm like, oh, it's not my day.
Marc:I'm like, yeah, it's my face.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It's not my day.
Marc:Yeah, and I'm like, I had three fucking major nicks, straight razor nicks.
Marc:I'm like, this was not a good experience.
Marc:And there's nothing they can do.
Marc:It's like, what are you going to be like?
Marc:He actually didn't charge me, which I thought was noble.
Guest:Oh, that's good.
Marc:Yeah, but still, it's like, well, maybe you shouldn't work today.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You've got your shit together.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:It's like they need a chart on the wall.
Guest:It's like each nick is at about 50 cents.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And if we can't stop the bleeding, we'll give you a free shave.
Marc:Free neck rub.
Marc:A poultice, I think they're called.
Marc:Wait, so now there's a couple things I need to talk to you about.
Marc:I'm going to Hawaii, and I know you grew up there.
Marc:I was born and raised in Hawaii on Oahu.
Marc:Yeah, but so is there island loyalty?
Marc:I mean, is there like, you know, fuck Honolulu.
Guest:No, I mean, yeah, like most of the other islands don't like Oahu.
Guest:Just because Oahu is like the city, you know.
Guest:Oh, it is.
Guest:That's where Honolulu is.
Guest:That's where Waikiki is.
Marc:Hawaii is the island that Honolulu is on, right?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Oahu is the main island.
Guest:The big island is Hawaii.
Guest:So where's Honolulu?
Guest:On Oahu.
Guest:Oh, so you grew up in the big island?
Guest:The main island.
Marc:The main island.
Guest:It's like the capital.
Marc:Okay, but the big island is not the main island.
Guest:The big island is actually one of the most sparse islands in the chain.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Why is that?
Guest:It's just huge.
Guest:It's huge.
Guest:It's like Australia?
Guest:I've never been to Australia.
Marc:It's not that huge.
Marc:Australia's like the size of the United States almost.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It seems bigger.
Marc:Really?
Marc:In the United States?
Marc:Maybe it is a little bit.
Marc:I mean, this is, you know, we could find out the answer to this.
Guest:There is an answer to this.
Guest:We don't need to speculate.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Let's just say we don't know, really, but it's really big.
Guest:This is what sucks about iPhones, is that it ruins every bar argument about who was in what movie.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:No, one day we're going to find that out, man.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Who does it?
Guest:Oh, Pete Holmes does.
Guest:Oh, Pete Holmes does that joke, yeah.
Marc:The big bit about Tom Petty.
Guest:Isn't it about Tom Petty?
Marc:Isn't it about Tom Petty?
Marc:I think it's about Tom Petty.
Marc:Oh, man.
Marc:Oh, he'll be happy that we referenced him.
Marc:He will cackle at the fact that we even mentioned it.
Marc:Ah!
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:A lot of that.
Marc:He makes a lot of weird noises.
Marc:No, I like Pete Holmes, too.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I want to put that on the record again.
Marc:I don't know how many times I got to fucking say it.
Marc:Maybe it's because of the way I say it.
Marc:Like, no, it's always like it's a qualifier when I say I like Pete Holmes.
Marc:I'll say something about him.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:I like him.
Guest:I like him.
Marc:I think that's the only way you could ever give a compliment, Mark.
Marc:No, that's not true.
Marc:I like you.
Marc:I don't say that.
Marc:You're one of the guys I like.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:Yeah, we have all gotten along.
Guest:We've always gotten along pretty well, even back at Zach's barbecue when we were shooting Morning Glories at people.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That was a good time.
Marc:It was me, you, and Schwartzen and his weird friend.
Guest:Yeah, I think Neil Mahoney was there too, yeah.
Marc:Neil Mahoney, but who was Schwartzen's friend, that little portly guy that was used to hanging around a lot?
Marc:You know what I'm talking about?
Marc:Yeah, I do.
Marc:He was a comedian, wasn't he?
Guest:That name with an X in it or something like that?
Marc:I don't know, but he was, yeah, he was a good guy, and we were just shooting Roman candles at everybody.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, it was fun.
Marc:That was a blast.
Marc:That was a fun party.
Marc:That was a fun party.
Marc:That was when Hardwick was sweaty and fat and drunk.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He's taking a nap.
Marc:Yeah, Hardwick actually crashed on the couch.
Marc:No one knows that Hardwick.
Guest:That Hardwick has been erased.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:He refers to that as Peter Hardwick.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:He's like, oh, that's my brother.
Guest:Don't worry about that.
Marc:Hawaii, though.
Marc:I've been to Kauai.
Marc:This would be my third time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's beautiful.
Guest:The garden aisle.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I like it because, you know, if you get a good situation, the only problem with it is, is like you're going to end up at the same restaurant.
Marc:It's very small.
Marc:It's tiny.
Marc:Have they fucked it up a lot in the last maybe five or six years?
Guest:You know, I haven't gone.
Guest:The last time I was there was the summer of or spring break.
Guest:Ninety nine.
Guest:or 98 when uh i was me and my friends were in bands and we uh flew over there to play a couple shows really for who at a resort for other no just for other like uh punk kids and kawaii you know there was like 20 people showed up but they it was like a big deal but on the north would you go to the north rim or the north part or we were kind of on the uh the outskirts of uh princeville just kind of yeah
Marc:Yeah, but I don't know what it's like to grow up in Hawaii.
Marc:I know that you showed up at a barbecue I had with some Hawaiian food.
Marc:Now, this is not healthy food in any way.
Guest:No, no, it's not.
Guest:It's actually quite, it's some of the worst food.
Guest:So you grew up not in Honolulu.
Guest:You lived in Honolulu?
Guest:No, I did before I left, but I was born in a place called Kaimuki, which is outside of Honolulu.
Guest:And then I grew up in Kailua, which is like the suburban windward side.
Guest:But do you call yourself a Hawaiian?
Guest:I do.
Guest:I do.
Guest:Just because, you know, I'm half Portuguese.
Guest:My real last name is Rodrigues.
Guest:No.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My name is Jonah Ray Rodrigues.
Guest:They didn't even put the S on the end?
Guest:No, but that's the thing about the Portuguese version of it is it's Rodrigues and there's Gomes, not Gomez.
Guest:There's Lopes, not Lopez.
Guest:Oh, so it's just without a Z, it's with an S. Yeah, with an S. Okay.
Guest:G-U-E-S.
Guest:And I got rid of it just because it became a whole to-do when signing up for open mics.
Guest:But yeah, so I'm half Portuguese.
Guest:My dad's full Portuguese.
Guest:Been there since the early 1800s.
Guest:In Hawaii.
Guest:In Hawaii.
Guest:And so that whole side of the family.
Marc:So he was one of the people that was left with the chickens and the pigs?
Guest:No, they came over.
Guest:The Portuguese was one of the first wave of immigrants.
Marc:No, I know, but that's why you have those goddamn roosters everywhere.
Guest:Yeah, the roosters.
Guest:And the wild pigs.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:So you got wild pigs.
Guest:The roosters came from Portugal.
Marc:And your father's family.
Marc:Yeah, the immigrants from the Azores.
Marc:So he didn't get back on the boat or he went there on purpose?
Guest:My great, great, great, great relatives were the ones that came over to work on- No, I get that, but did they come to do what?
Marc:To work on the sugar cane plantations.
Marc:Oh, so they were immigrant workers in a way.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:No, they were exactly immigrant workers.
Marc:So they were working for the king or what have you?
Guest:No, at the time it was the outside American interest that came to grow sugar cane to exploit the land and try to influence.
Guest:And piss off the natives.
Guest:Yeah, the natives have already been kind of starting to get pissed off from the Christians that were coming in and stuff like that.
Guest:Right.
Guest:There's a really amazing book about everything that happened by Sarah Vowell called Unfamiliar Fishes.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I talked to her about that.
Guest:You liked it?
Guest:Oh, I loved it.
Guest:I loved it.
Guest:It makes you ashamed and proud and everything because it's not all anyone's fault.
Guest:It's everybody's fault for just being an idiot.
Marc:But you actually come from, in some sense, I'm not comparing... The indigenous people have their own issue, but you came from people who were also...
Guest:immigrants yeah well uh you know the people came oppressed is the azorean portuguese people came over and you know and there was a there's like chinese people and filipinos and you know samoans later on uh you know japanese and right it's uh like so basically my dad and is a local he's just a local guy and that's the the culture of hawaii you're just local yeah you talk to anybody's like oh what are you it's so that's a big question you're a tourist or you're local
Guest:Well, no.
Guest:Even if you're a local, it's more about, what are you?
Guest:Oh, I'm Portuguese, quarter German, quarter Japanese.
Guest:Or I'm Japanese, Chinese, Filipino, and Haole.
Guest:And you never say white, you say Haole.
Guest:Haole?
Guest:Haole.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:Technically, it means tourist or visitor.
Guest:What are the indigenous people called?
Guest:There's Hawaiians.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:But there's not really any- There's no tribe?
Guest:Or they're not some type of-
Guest:No, they're just Hawaiians.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I mean, there was different tribes scattered about the islands, but a bloodthirsty warlord by the name of King Kamehameha did his best- Consolidated?
Guest:Yes, he consolidated is the delightful way of saying it, or just pushing guys off of cliffs.
Guest:Uh-huh, yeah.
Guest:But, you know, now he's a hero, and we got lots of highways named after him.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:Schools, yeah.
Marc:That happens with those people.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Have you driven on the Idi Amin Highway here in Los Angeles?
Yeah.
Guest:But like, yeah, I grew up very Portuguese family, you know, and like felt like a local kid.
Guest:But like, you know, my brother, he looks local to, you know, like a local guy.
Guest:I my mom is from, you know, Chico or Orland, California.
Guest:How'd that happen?
Guest:Her dad ran his own little furniture shop out there in Orland, and it closed down, and then he got offered a job from Sears to head up their furniture department at the Alamoana Hotel.
Marc:This is such a, what do you call it, sort of humble beginnings for everybody, for the family line going back to Portugal and then from a furniture store in Chico or whatever.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And Sears.
Guest:I mean, what's more American than Sears?
Guest:Yeah, he came and he ran the furniture department there for a while.
Marc:That's your grandpa?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, my mom's dad.
Marc:Did you go over to Sears and sit in the couches?
Guest:No, he was done by the time I was born.
Guest:Retired?
Guest:Yeah, he had moved back to Santa Cruz.
Guest:Oh, he did?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He likes the beach.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, he does.
Guest:And so, yeah, I spent a lot of trips home.
Guest:A lot of trips to California were to Santa Cruz when I was growing up.
Guest:Oh, weird hippie vampire land.
Guest:Lost Boys, man.
Marc:Yeah, that's the fucking best movie.
Marc:Yeah, I love that movie.
Marc:I haven't watched it in a long time, but boy did I like that movie.
Marc:It fucked my head up about Santa Cruz forever.
Marc:Because when you visit Santa Cruz with that movie in your head, you're like, I can see it.
Marc:It's definitely...
Marc:Yeah, it's there.
Guest:There's a weird thing.
Marc:There's a witchy hippie thing.
Guest:And it's just the fact that there's like cliffs that you don't know what's really around them.
Marc:But there's also like that kind of like weird kind of like, you know, rich hippie.
Marc:People are strange.
Guest:Yeah, there's a lot of that.
Marc:You know, you walk down the main drag and I know that the University of California, Santa Cruz is there and Jesse Thorne went there, which, you know, the comparison between Jesse Thorne and what I know is it could be more, you know.
Guest:Yeah, the guys we know from Santa Cruz are Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris.
Marc:yeah yeah and that's it and then the rest is like but you definitely get that weird hippie vibe there yeah no it's a total it's a total hippie vibe there used to be a gig there when i lived in san francisco really yeah at the crow's nest oh yeah yeah i i saw a show there once i saw uh uh a good riddance a punk band play there yeah it was like this hard it wasn't horrible but it was definitely island people or not island people but santa cruz people which are kind of like it's a little pocket and they don't ever leave you know right
Marc:So you got that weird kind of familiarity.
Marc:Did you get that sense, though, growing up in Hawaii?
Marc:Because island people are specific.
Marc:But usually, in my mind, it's like the Vineyard and Nantucket.
Marc:There's definitely a quality to island people where it's like they're there and they're not coming inland.
Marc:yeah for any real reason yeah i mean i knew i knew kids growing up that never even left the island like that it's a big did you get that sense because whenever i'm there like there's a moment that i have always where i'm like god damn it we could all just be in a tidal wave it's over these islands could just go away yeah there was a you know there was a couple of those uh panics like yeah like the first acid trips yeah
Guest:uh there was no there was you know anytime there was a earthquake in japan it was uh all right let's be ready to drive up the mountain we gotta go to the volcano i lived like we lived near right next to the beach so you did yeah yeah did you surf and shit uh yeah i boogie boarded uh never had the best balance of standing on a surfboard um but yeah i boogie board i kayaked
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So tell me about this fucking diet, though.
Guest:Give me the staples, because I forget what they are.
Guest:Well, it's all based off of the idea of plate lunch.
Guest:That's what they call it.
Guest:And it's what came about in the sugarcane plantations and the pineapple fields and stuff like that.
Guest:It's just all these different guys that would just essentially swap food with each other.
Guest:So it would be the Japanese guy with rice and chicken katsu.
Guest:And then there would be a Filipino guy with chicken adobo.
Guest:And then there would be a Hawaiian guy that had Kahlua pork and cabbage.
Guest:And then everyone would switch.
Guest:Where does poi come into this?
Guest:Oh, poi.
Guest:I hate fucking poi so much.
Marc:I don't want to be hacky and talking about it, but you go there, you want to taste it, and it's this weird purplish gelatinous stuff.
Marc:Yeah, it's just mashed up root.
Guest:yeah it's terrible you don't like it no i hate it i remember uh my cousins were way into it they would always be like you just gotta put some sugar in it i remember putting so much sugar in it that it turned like yellow and i was like still no still no no go no go no go on the poi yeah but so that's where it comes from this kind of mix in mac and cheese where does that come from oh you mean mac salad i don't know what it is yeah it's macaroni salad i just yeah i don't know maybe that's just from the white people that came over and just they ruined everything it was all pretty exotic until max out was introduced
Guest:that's that's yeah the basis of all just blandness and what about those rolls you got the oh manapua yeah yeah uh no no no i brought malasadas which is a it's basically a portuguese donut okay and that's hawaiian too yeah i mean yeah there's you know in hawaii fat tuesday is called a malasada day
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you just eat those?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My family was very, very Portuguese, so my grandmother would make tons and tons of malasadas and stuff like that.
Marc:What else is there?
Marc:Oh, there's that great pokey.
Marc:Pokey is great.
Marc:You know, fresh and easy, you can get pokey.
Marc:No, I know, and I've had it there.
Marc:It's okay.
Marc:It's okay.
Marc:It'll do.
Marc:I had pokey.
Marc:Like, pokey is everywhere.
Marc:Those fucking, what are they, ahi tunas or bluefin tunas?
Marc:They must be like pigeon out there.
Marc:It's like there's no shortage of that shit.
Marc:Ah, it's great.
Marc:I went to a place, a restaurant there, and I'd like to go back to it, that did a pokey, but they kind of quick-seared it.
Marc:Like, they took the pokey, quick-seared it, and then put it in the sauce.
Guest:Yeah, I don't like that so much.
Guest:You like the raw?
Guest:I like it raw.
Guest:A raw pokey?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm like old Dirty Bastard.
Guest:I like it raw.
Marc:Yeah, but that's a specifically Hawaiian thing, right, pokey?
Guest:I believe so, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I like it.
Guest:So you played in punk bands in Hawaii.
Guest:Yeah, me and my friend Donald got way into punk and hardcore and straight edge and met other guys that were similar.
Guest:But it was like 10 guys?
Marc:The whole scene was a good scene, but the thing is- But is there some undiscovered Hawaiian punk, 1984 through 92?
Marc:Is there a book to be written or a CD to be made?
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:I mean, just like any scene, it has its own characters and its own, you know, and it's, you know, there is a pretty good indie music history there.
Guest:Two guys that went to my high school way before I was over there actually went and moved to Austin and started And You Will Know Us by The Trail of Dead.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Yeah, and they were from my high school, Kalaheo High School.
Marc:What's the general consensus on Is?
Marc:Brada Is?
Guest:Yeah, Brada Is.
Guest:Here's a fun story.
Guest:One time, me and my friends were hanging out.
Guest:It was the day after Brada Is died.
Guest:Israel Kamaka Fika Ole is a very popular Hawaiian musician.
Marc:Somewhere Over the Rainbow, baby.
Guest:Yeah, he did that Somewhere Over the Rainbow from the Meet Joe Black soundtrack.
Guest:That was his claim to fame.
Guest:But he had been huge in Hawaii.
Marc:Yeah, but it wasn't a big... Oh, is that where it got introduced in modern times?
Marc:Like, wasn't he already dead before it became this international hit?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was.
Marc:And isn't there some weird backstory to it?
Marc:Because my buddy Jack was writing an article on him.
Marc:Like, he came in in the middle of the night and laid one track.
Marc:Oh, I don't know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But, like, he did it for his friend, Gavin, which he was like, that's like the track starts with, okay, this one's for Gavin, you know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, yeah, he's, I remember we were at school and someone's, I had heard a joke and I just was repeating it.
Guest:Like, someone's like, you hear about Brudda is?
Guest:You know, it's just, you call someone like, it's like, Brudda Mark.
Guest:You know, that's just the way you say it.
Guest:He was like, hey, you hear about Brada is?
Guest:I go, more like Brada was.
Guest:Oh, bam.
Guest:And then just fucking huge fingers tapping me on the shoulder, turn around, here's Simone guy, very upset with what I just said.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that was your first stand-up routine?
Guest:That was the first, yeah.
Guest:That was the first joke.
Guest:I can piss people off.
Guest:It's funny, too, because just last night, I made fun of someone dying, and it sucked the air out of the room.
Guest:Which, who?
Guest:I said, I really miss this guy, so if you don't mind, can we hold a junior seance?
Guest:For who?
Guest:Junior Seau.
Guest:I don't know who that is.
Guest:Junior Seau is a football player that just committed suicide.
Marc:It's a little soon, I guess.
Guest:It is a little soon.
Marc:And I would have missed it because I don't know who the hell that is.
Guest:Why did he commit suicide?
Guest:They say he was a football player, so they're saying that concussions led him to be depressed.
Guest:He shot himself in the chest.
Guest:As so that a scientist can research his brain.
Guest:That's Elliot Smith style.
Marc:Oh, he left that on the note.
Guest:Another guy from the same team did the same thing.
Marc:Shot himself in the chest.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:With the intent of like, you know, they're fucking us.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Figure out why I don't want to live anymore.
Marc:Here's my head.
Guest:Yes, exactly.
Marc:All right, so the day after brother is died, that was the story that you did, the joke?
Guest:That was the joke, yeah, but it was.
Guest:But yeah, the Hawaiian punk scene is great.
Guest:What are they mad about, the beaches?
Guest:Well, here's the thing.
Guest:You start getting into punk music and all of a sudden Hawaii becomes your fucking prison.
Guest:You know, everyone's always like, oh, that must have been great.
Guest:I said, well, you remember that small town you grew up in?
Guest:Now imagine that's in the middle of the fucking ocean and you can't get to the next town.
Guest:You know, that's essentially what Hawaii is.
Guest:Stranded suburbia.
Guest:A lot of people feel stranded in suburbia, but you're actually stranded in suburbia.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:It's like, you know, the most interesting thing we could do was like go see a show in like the North Shore.
Guest:yeah that's that's 30 minute drive we'll never make it you know i i but the the the punk scene is pretty much what you know made it like bearable to live there you know and it made high school bearable because all of a sudden high school you could give a shit about yeah yeah it didn't matter i was like i was popular in the punk scene because i was like in bands that did okay what'd you play i played the drums
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Can you play drums?
Guest:Yeah, I was pretty good in my heyday, yeah.
Guest:You still play drums?
Guest:I don't have a drum set.
Guest:I was really broke a while back, and I had to sell my kit, and it was like a big bummer.
Marc:Why don't you get a new kit?
Guest:Yeah, I can now because I have that back garage thing.
Guest:Yeah, you got a nice place.
Guest:You got that back garage, you got a possum.
Marc:yeah the big possum still around i haven't seen it in a while yeah they disappear and then you get a bunch of little ones around yeah i'm sure when summer kicks back in yeah we got around here so how did you uh get out of hawaii i mean what was that like um it's scary man i mean like i gotta fly out there like i i'd rather there's i have this weird thing about flying where i think i talked about with wayne coin actually i you know i feel safer when i'm flying over land yeah like there's something about crashing on land it's like at least they'll find some part of me
Marc:But the idea of crashing between here and Hawaii into the fucking ocean is just like, ugh.
Marc:It's just down there.
Marc:It's nothingness forever.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I can't even process when you're flying over.
Guest:It's the thought that if you survive a crash, if you happen to, you're not that far off from getting rescued.
Guest:Right.
Guest:If you're in the ocean.
Guest:If you happen to survive that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You got to swim.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just find that big plastic island.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That big plastic floating island.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:You better be near that ladder that turns into a boat.
Guest:Situate yourself.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Oh, now I'm thinking about that.
Guest:I got open water like that movie.
Guest:Open water really fucked me up.
Guest:Oh, which one was that?
Guest:as the two people that go scuba diving off this boat in the middle of the water, and then the boat thinks they're back in the boat, so they leave, and then the two people come up to the surface, and the boat's gone, and then they... Oh, this is like a horror movie, right?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, it was a good horror movie.
Guest:It was not too long ago.
Guest:And what happens to them?
Guest:They just dive.
Guest:They get eaten by sharks.
Guest:They do?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Spoiler alert.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:That's horrendous.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I remember one time I was walking on the beach when I was a kid, and I saw a group of people standing around, and I walked up, and it was just a shark that had beached itself.
Guest:And it was right when the officials were there to cut it open to make sure it was a certain shark they were looking for.
Guest:Cut it open, and a fucking flap, a hand comes out.
Guest:Get out!
Guest:Yeah, and it was the arm and hand of a tourist that got eaten off the coast of Maui while snorkeling.
Guest:No.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So he must have been awful if it killed the shark.
Guest:So they were actually looking for a particular shark?
Guest:Yeah, they kind of try, because that means if the shark really just eats you, they've got to keep a lookout for it.
Guest:Sharks don't necessarily like the taste of humans, but if they finish the job, then maybe that shark is kind of fucked up.
Marc:Yeah, he's acquired a taste for humans.
Guest:Yes, exactly.
Guest:So that happened a lot in Hawaii?
Marc:Like there would be sharks around?
Marc:No.
Marc:Not a lot, but you'd see sharks.
Marc:What about the whales, man?
Marc:Am I going to see whales?
Marc:I tried to see whales the last time I was there.
Marc:I used to see whales, yeah.
Marc:There's a certain time of year where they hang out and relax?
Guest:Yeah, I used to see whales on the way to school sometimes.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, just off the coast.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, did you see them breaching off?
Marc:I think the humpback whale goes down there for vacation.
Marc:Is that true?
Marc:Yeah, blue whale.
Marc:Blue whale?
Marc:Blue ones?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:The big ones?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They hang out in Hawaii?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How many in there are left?
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:but that's like the biggest one maybe you should talk to your uh professor google yes exactly now i realize why you're having me on the show i'm asking a math question hey i'm going on a trip to hawaii i should have jonah ray on yeah yeah all right so how'd you leave hawaii what the fuck happened i uh graduated from high school and then i like stayed out in california uh me and my my band went on tour what was the band called we were called quarterhead
Guest:um and it was like all the guys I grew up with you know my friend Donald and yeah a bunch of us and we uh came out and we just went up and down the coast yeah played with a lot of really good bands you're like I'm not going back to Hawaii uh then but then I kind of like I just started uh drinking later that summer and was like oh wow this is like really good I was straight edge up until that point and I went back to Hawaii so you're like committed that was part of your thing
Guest:It was, it was a neat, well, here's the thing, like growing up, you know, my dad, like smoked pot and did drugs, my mom, like everyone in my family smoked pot and drank and.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:With the kids?
Guest:Yeah, like, you know, my brother, my cousins, they all did it with them and like, I, and you know, when you're growing up and then you get into punk, it's like, you need to rebel against something.
Guest:And they were so permissive that,
Guest:Yeah, that I was like, well, then I'm not.
Guest:That's dumb.
Guest:I'm not.
Guest:Not me.
Guest:Not this kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then, you know, and then I just dove into a life of virginity.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So that's weird.
Marc:So you grew up with you wouldn't say they were alcoholics or drug addicts.
Marc:They were just sort of recreate.
Marc:It was just they were just Hawaiian.
Marc:Or is that part of the Hawaiian culture?
Guest:It's very much part of the culture.
Guest:Just hang out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I even just call my parents nowadays.
Guest:It's like, how's it going, guys?
Guest:Like, oh, just walking down to the beach.
Guest:And I was like, oh, fucking do something.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's like, you know, my brother, I told him to come out to L.A., and he's living in my back house, or like in the back room.
Guest:He's here now?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How old is he, younger or older?
Guest:He's older.
Guest:He's like three years older than me.
Guest:What does he do?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:I'm finding nothing.
Guest:The guy's got a master's degree.
Guest:In what?
Guest:In international business.
Guest:Oh, so he's doing that from the back of the garage?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:He's doing international business in your backyard?
Guest:Looks like he's drinking all my beer, but I guess the trading and buying and selling of my beers.
Yeah.
Guest:uh but yeah i was i was straight edge and then like i kind of started drinking and then uh hawaii almost kind of seemed like a whole different place you know i was out of high school i was in a i was in bands like uh and you were drunk i was drunk and it just a whole new place yeah you know through these new eyes no idea yeah that everything could be fun yeah it's like in the same year that i you know started drinking i also like lost my virginity it was just a whole new fucking game for me how was that experience oh it was weird yeah weird yeah there was a band that had uh from california that had come to town yeah and uh
Guest:And they, they were good and they were really good punk band.
Guest:And, um, like I took them around to see, like, you know, that's kind of what you do when a band comes to town, you go and show them around the Island.
Guest:And then, uh, one of them, the female in the group, uh, showed up at my apartment the last night they were there.
Guest:And then it was just, uh, I was like, uh, I was like,
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Hey, where's everyone else?
Guest:She's like, they didn't want to come.
Guest:I was like, all right.
Guest:And she's like, do you want some booze?
Guest:I was like, I guess so.
Guest:Then like, we're just sitting around.
Guest:She's being awkward.
Guest:I was like, well, good night.
Guest:Here's where you're going to sleep.
Guest:You know, I didn't know.
Guest:And then she comes in and she's like, she's like, oh, the air condition's too loud.
Guest:I was like, oh, sorry.
Guest:I go and try the air condition.
Guest:good night and i go back in the room and then uh like she comes back and she's like i can't figure out how to turn off the radio like holy shit what a fucking irritating bastard and i come back in and i turn it off and then like uh you're like is she retarded yeah i was like i was like hey if you need anything else go fuck yourself
Guest:and then uh she's like why don't you help me yeah and then i was like yeah and then like uh and then i just was just awkward and wrestling and yeah like things happened and yeah yeah it was over quickly and you're like i guess that's good yeah i was like that's what that is and then like uh she's like she asked me what time i had to get up for work in the morning i was working at a record store and i'd be like i'd open that day and she's like i was like oh like eight o'clock and then she's like okay and then the alarm went on at six and she started it all over again
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Twice?
Guest:So, yeah, yeah.
Marc:How'd you do the second time?
Marc:Better?
Guest:Yeah, I think I did a bit better, you know, from the experience of the one time.
Guest:Where you're like, what's happening?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It was weird.
Guest:It was, you know, a weird way of losing your virginity.
Guest:Like, it wasn't to someone I cared about or loved or-
Marc:I think that's more so the situation than not.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, there's so much invested in it if you care about somebody.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Whereas if it's just a thing you have to get over with.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I think that's usually the way people look at it.
Marc:It's like, let's get this done because I'm tired of being stigmatized.
Guest:Finding out later, too, that that was kind of her thing.
Guest:She loves deflowering punk kids.
Guest:Yeah, just like little nerdy punk kids.
Guest:Oh, thank God.
Guest:Did you thank her on your record or anything?
Yeah.
Guest:uh the last time i put out like the first record i put out the seven inch a few years back um uh i like on the thanks list was uh like on the last part was like yeah and to every girl that's ever broken my fucking heart thank you oh yeah so you got your heart broken yeah yeah i've had it i've had it broken here and there yeah what was that one story that you told that's a good story yeah that's a good story
Guest:I remember we were on a show.
Marc:I turned a corner on you that night.
Marc:I was actually encouraging you to keep going.
Guest:I remember.
Guest:But do you remember even before that when- Are you going to avoid that story entirely?
Marc:Is that what you're doing?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know if it's like- All right.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I do remember the one night that we were on a show at the original Tiger Lily on Vermont.
Guest:We were on a show there.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Yeah, that was hard.
Guest:Yeah, and I remember... Do you remember that?
Guest:I had just moved all my stuff into my car.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And it was pouring rain, and I was soaking wet.
Guest:Oh, you're all fucking miserable.
Guest:And I went straight to do stand-up at that show.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember you were right after me, and I ended up doing okay, because I think everyone was just uncomfortably laughing.
Marc:And it was such an uncomfortable space.
Marc:The audience was off to the side and at the bar, and it was always sparsely populated, really.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:and it was a hard room to play, and you were a mess, and you were trying to figure.
Guest:Still clothes wet.
Marc:You were trying to figure out whether you were going to talk about it, and you did, and it was all very raw.
Guest:Yeah, because it had just happened, and I was talking about how I was taking my stuff out, and she was supposed to be coming home soon, and in my head I had to come up with this idea.
Guest:It's like, you know what I'm going to do?
Guest:I'm going to be taking out the trash and the rain, and it's going to show that I'm still dedicated to this relationship and this house.
Guest:And so I kept on trying to time things,
Guest:Like when, if I saw a car started to come down, I would start going down the driveway with the garbage can.
Guest:And then she would see me and her lights would be on me and my hair is wet.
Guest:And then she's like, you know what?
Guest:He's okay.
Guest:And like, I just, I had to keep on rolling.
Marc:Rolling it up and down the driveway.
Marc:That's a good moment.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then, so I think that's what I ended up talking about.
Guest:And that was, that was a brutal night.
Guest:And I remember, and I remember you, like you said, and like, this is coming from like the guy in my head who was like, it's like, this guy is fucking raw.
Guest:Talks about shit.
Guest:Talks about real shit in his life.
Guest:And then you pat me on the bang.
Guest:Go.
Guest:I want to do that.
Marc:you're like i would even do that talk about it like i think that soon yeah yeah oh man yeah yeah but that second time i say when i was encouraging you to tell that uh that wonderful story of when i went down to mexico uh with uh with the girl for right right but you were like but i had never seen you in the light like of uh like you were always funny and i always liked you but like then that story was sort of like oh this guy's kind of hardcore
Marc:Again, he's not a pussy like the rest of them.
Guest:He's lived a life.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, that kind of goes back to that thing when I mentioned smoking heroin.
Guest:Because I'm doing these shows, these Nerdist shows, which are great.
Guest:These live shows where it's me, Chris, and Matt.
Guest:And we do stand-up before them.
Guest:And I talk about stuff from my life.
Guest:And I think it's so far off from a lot of the kids that kind of connect with the podcast.
Guest:Jarring.
Guest:Jarring.
Guest:Yeah, I think it's jarring to them that I've done speed and meth and, you know, and I've like drank more than my, you know, share.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Well, I think it's weird.
Marc:Like, you know, I don't like I always I often wonder about that, like that where the lines are drawn, you know, like where where where nerd goes bad.
Marc:You know, because because certainly like the 60s, you know, drug culture was fueled by a lot of nerds.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, there were a lot of fucking about expanding your mind.
Marc:A lot of bright guys.
Marc:And then it got bad.
Marc:But like, you know, as just young people today, I don't know.
Marc:There seems to be a certain type of person like there's a class line.
Marc:There's also a sort of personal responsibility line of that one crosses.
Marc:or one has uh you know conditionally no no way out of like you know they i think that a lot of people consider meth kind of like a dirty lower class you know white trash drug and it is yeah of course it makes it feel like that yeah but all drugs start out like that i mean you know heroin was originally you know meant to uh to sort of dispose of and placate to the black community
Marc:And crack as well, that there's politics behind all that shit on some level where it's allowed to go and where the mob channels it and who gets it.
Marc:But eventually, it all it takes is one rebellious trust fund kid to do it once.
Guest:Well, like anything that becomes a part of the popular culture, it's, hey, what are the black people doing?
Guest:Okay, let's now do that because that's what's fucking cool.
Guest:That's what's now in it.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But also, like, now with this nerd culture thing, I always wonder what the lines are, but clearly there is a line, and they are judgmental, and if it's something that, you know, exists beyond, you know, comic books or, you know, obsessive focus on, you know, ridiculous things.
Marc:It is odd, though, you know, because, like, you know, I do read some comic books, but I don't read all comic books.
Marc:No, I mean, I'm not condescending to them, but I do know there is... I guess what I'm getting at is that...
Marc:That despite the popularity and the culture, there is sort of a puritanism involved in it.
Marc:There's a whiteness to it.
Marc:And there's also a kind of weird condescending inexperience.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's like they'll poo poo stuff or they'll just sort of like snarkily, you know, dismiss things.
Marc:But a lot of it comes out of the fact that they've never done it or they're afraid to do it or that, you know, they haven't really processed what it represents.
Marc:Like when someone says heroin, you know, to a room full of nerds, they're like,
Marc:I don't, that's, that's far away.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Really far away.
Marc:And really kind of like, I don't know what they picture in their head, but you know, it's definitely, there is sort of a line drawn.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, for sure.
Guest:And that's the thing that I get concerned about with the, the nerd culture is that, you know, everyone assumes they like everyone else is like them.
Guest:And they are quick to call someone a hipster.
Guest:I get called a hipster constantly from this crowd.
Guest:And I go, do you see the way you're dressed?
Guest:You know how you think it's funny to wear that shirt?
Guest:Right, yeah.
Marc:I'm in a room full of rugged individualists dressed roughly the same way.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Guest:I'm a big fan of the song Orinoco Flow by Enya.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:And I think it's a great song.
Guest:Sail away, sail away.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Let me sail, let the Orinoco Flow.
Guest:Yeah, no, I like that kind of stuff.
Guest:It's a great song.
Marc:I like Brian Eno.
Marc:I like ethereal things.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They take me away sometimes.
Guest:I can't say I like that song because all of a sudden they'll say it's ironic that I like it and I'm doing it because it's a hipster thing to like.
Guest:I say no, like no hipster would claim.
Guest:Yeah, no, actually no one now would claim.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No one actually cares about that song anymore.
Guest:No, but I put it on, I put it on mixes quite often and I am waiting for, I need some hardcore band to fucking cover that song because it would be brutal.
Guest:It would be awesome.
Guest:But when did you start doing comedy?
Guest:When did that play into this whole fucking mess?
Guest:Well, I always, I always wanted to do it.
Guest:I was obsessed with comedy.
Guest:You know, I was obsessed with comedy central, you know, watching mystery science theater, watching standup, standup, watch short attention span theater.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My version of,
Guest:Yeah, yeah, both versions.
Marc:There were like five versions.
Marc:Was it really fun?
Marc:No, there was like, what was it?
Marc:There was Jon Stewart, Jon Stewart and Patty Rossboro.
Marc:Then there was the Joel Bolster period.
Marc:There was also the Marcus Allen period.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:There was... Big hair Marc Maron.
Marc:Yeah, big hair Marc Maron.
Marc:That was like, I refused to.
Marc:They wanted to cut my hair over and over.
Marc:No, man.
Marc:I barely wanted to do that job.
Marc:I'm not this kind of comic, but I'm also broke.
Marc:So, like, you're not cutting my hair.
Guest:Man, see?
Guest:You stood up for it.
Guest:How old were you when you did that?
Marc:I was, like, 92, so I was, like, 29, 28.
Marc:Nice.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I learned how to reprompt her, and I, you know, fought for a writer, and I got a writer.
Marc:I think I still had the first four episodes of that on a videotape before, you know, I screamed at them.
Marc:I'm like, because they just wanted to be a VJ.
Marc:Like, here's a guy who was writing.
Marc:It was like, I just remember one line.
Marc:Here's a pithy Python.
Marc:Here's a pithy pear from Python.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:Alliterative throws to clips.
Marc:And I'm like, I can't be this guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:We got to get a writer.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And they brought John Groff in, who saved my ass.
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:Yeah, it's hard when you're doing the hosting stuff where it's so easy to go, like, you know, burpa derpa, derpa derpa.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:That's exactly what it was.
Marc:And I just couldn't, I was not going to play along with that.
Guest:But I, yeah, I watched all those shows.
Guest:I watched all those shows and I was obsessed with doing standup or doing comedy.
Guest:I thought I was going to be more of a sketch guy.
Guest:I thought, you know, cause I was a big fat kid growing up.
Guest:I was like 300 pounds when I was 15.
Guest:So I was like, Oh, I'll be like a Chris.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was huge, man.
Guest:Oh my God, dude.
Guest:That's a whole other series of things.
Guest:So that's like a big fucking punk rock girl.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:That being that.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:When I lost weight.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:When I lost weight.
Guest:When she fucked me.
Guest:So you're like this obese guy.
Guest:I wasn't obese because I was tall.
Guest:I'm a tall guy, 6'4", but I was just big.
Guest:I was huge.
Guest:So you're like crazy fat.
Guest:Brother Jonah.
Guest:Brother Jonah.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Kind.
Guest:Canack attack.
Guest:Eat too much.
Guest:Fall asleep.
Marc:So you got that thing, huh?
Guest:Yeah, I got that thing.
Marc:You got fat chasing you.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Marc:I've never known you to be fat.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:Some people think I'm like... I hurt people's feelings when I talk about fat.
Marc:And I'm afraid of it.
Marc:And that's really my excuse.
Marc:I'm terrified of fat on all levels.
Marc:But I understand that some people are fat and they're okay with it or they're not.
Marc:But they're not worse people for it.
Guest:No, no, not at all.
Guest:I'd like to be fit.
Marc:You turned me on to that...
Marc:that four-hour body yeah i'm having a hard time getting back on it well you know what the craving for sugar becomes so intense i don't like the fact that you can't have fruit fruit's great yeah i know but like you know i i think it's a good diet because you can keep eating but you still crave something even you know you can sit and eat like you know four cans of beans and an entire side of beef yeah but there's still party that's like i need like
Marc:And it's sugar.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's sugar.
Guest:It's, uh, you know, even like bread became like, I saw a piece of bread and I salivated while on that diet.
Guest:And that's, you know, I have a hard time too.
Guest:Cause I've never been in shape.
Guest:So getting into shape for the first time is, you know, it's a problem.
Guest:And also I like drinking and once you hire a trainer guy,
Guest:I think about that.
Guest:I'm afraid I was just... Why don't you tell Chris to train you?
Marc:Chris to train me?
Guest:Yeah, why don't you go work out with Chris and see what's really going on with that guy.
Guest:He's into boxing.
Guest:He likes boxing.
Guest:That's his new thing?
Guest:No, that's like when he... Some ghost just opened up your door, man.
Guest:That's nice.
Guest:That's what happens when it's time to end the interview.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:I have a ghost that's like, hey, this is going on for a while.
Guest:Right this way.
Guest:Mark's really busy.
Guest:You gotta get out of here.
Guest:So why don't you get into boxing?
Marc:i don't know i don't know i don't i don't like the idea of punching a lot yeah i know i tried it uh briefly with a guy i was working out with and it's okay but you just got to be in the groove like there were periods in my life where i'd be like at a hotel i'm like gotta get it in now i'm like there's no fucking way i'm gonna be that guy in that hotel gym there's not a chance yeah i'm not plus you know i i i like i like
Guest:I like drinking and it makes it harder to get up in the morning to go to the gym.
Guest:Then I have the job at the soup and then having the day job and then trying to run to do a show after that and then having time to eat dinner or hang out with your girlfriend.
Guest:All of a sudden the day is done.
Guest:So is this the first real girlfriend after the heartbreak where you were wet?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, waited a bit, and then randomly we ran into each other at a Channel 101 screening.
Guest:She was kind of part of that community, Channel 101.
Guest:Yeah, the Harmon thing.
Guest:Yeah, the Harmon, Rob Schropp thing.
Guest:And yeah, she made fun of me.
Guest:I was talking about my Tumblr to somebody, and she's like,
Guest:are you talking about tumblr what the fuck is wrong with you and then i was like oh and then she's like uh she said i have a tumblr too i was like what is it she's called it's called a dick a day i draw a dick every day and then she drew me a dick on the back of a channel 101 ballot yeah and then signed it it was in crayon and then handed it over to me and then walked away and i was like who the fuck is this wonderful woman i've got her dick picture yeah exactly and that's a sweet beginning yeah yeah i i
Guest:I had no idea, you know, I had no idea that a relationship or anything like that could be so awesome.
Guest:I just love, I like, you know.
Guest:That's sweet.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I'm in a good one, too.
Guest:Yeah, you are.
Guest:Yeah, your girl's great.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, Jessica's awesome.
Guest:Kooky.
Guest:Cookie.
Guest:Yeah, so is mine.
Guest:Sometimes I have to tell Deanna, like, no, not everybody hates you.
Guest:Yeah, not everybody hates you.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Yes, you are pretty.
Guest:And you're very talented.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's funny when you're in a relationship and you're just like, wow, there are a lot of cliches.
Marc:But I do find her to be very talented.
Marc:But that's true.
Marc:That's the thing I never knew in all my other relationships, that you can fight these things like, we're not going to be that person.
Marc:You know, I'm not going to, you know, I'm not.
Marc:Don't ask me if you're fat every day.
Marc:You know, they're just stuff like you can't fight it after a certain point.
Marc:It's just the way it is.
Guest:It's just the way they cost money and you're not going to win.
Guest:But you know what?
Guest:I had no idea that I would be the guy in a relationship where I wake up in the morning and I look over to the other side of the bed and I just they don't see him, but I'm fucking smiling.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, like you're just sort of like, oh, there she is.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hey, it's still she didn't leave in the night.
Marc:Oh, wow.
Marc:That's definitely happening where you're like, there's never any of that kind of like, oh, what am I doing with this person?
Marc:And why are we laying here?
Marc:Like, I feel completely connected and I'm very happy to see her all the time.
Guest:And when you fight and that's another thing that happens, like, you know, when I was fighting with another girlfriend, like I was always just like, well, this is it.
Guest:This is where it all crumbles down and ends.
Guest:And then it would, you know, write itself kind of.
Guest:And then like with D and I, if we ever get into like an argument, like I don't feel like I'm just like, you know, this is going to blow over.
Guest:I don't feel like this is the end of the world and the relationship.
Marc:Yeah, I'm still not quite there yet.
Marc:But I found that when you're that guy where it's like, I guess it's over.
Marc:Fuck it.
Marc:I'm done with this shit.
Marc:The more you say that, it has a hypnotic effect and it will manifest itself.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Marc:Because what I found about people who love you is that if you keep telling them that they don't love you or that it's going to end, eventually they're like, man, maybe he's right.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm going to get out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's it's it's tough.
Guest:It's tough to let some.
Guest:But and like as cheesy as it sounds, it is tough to let somebody love you because.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Just the fact that, you know, guys like us and the comedy into that that talk a lot.
Guest:We have to kind of hate ourselves to find things to talk about.
Marc:But you can say that like it's like it's not we don't have to.
Marc:We do.
Marc:We do.
Marc:We just do.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I hate people that characterize that.
Marc:Like, do you find that you have to really perpetuate your misery in order to be funny?
Marc:I'm like, I wish I was doing it on purpose.
Marc:I wish that I could just sort of like, I'm not going to be miserable today.
Guest:I'm going to take a day off from my creative process.
Guest:But to maybe try and take ownership of and say that we do do that, I think takes away some of the power of feeling miserable.
Guest:You know, sometimes I just think to myself, I'm like, oh, maybe I'm just tricking myself.
Guest:Maybe I'm just maybe I don't feel like shit all the time.
Marc:I hate myself so much so much of the time but it is unfortunately and it's also like one of the reasons I have a problem with kind of like intentionally positive people it's just that like the sad thing is after a certain point it is a choice I mean either you know you behave differently publicly and you choose against you know self hatred and self pity you know that is a choice you can make but you have to be diligent about it and also you have to repress
Guest:yourself yeah I that's cognitive therapy I do I do know people like I've known like you know just from a lot of the jobs I've had I've like worked with like actor type of guys that just are so positive and positive people although I you know I enjoy them sometimes I get scared of them I'm really very nice very positive people I'm more weary about than any other type of person because it doesn't seem real to me you know there was this guy this actor kid I knew while I was working at the Arclight Theater
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he was just everything was like, you know, it's like, oh, hey, he was nice.
Guest:He was positive.
Guest:He never said a bad thing about anybody.
Guest:And that made me more weary of him than anyone else that would fucking go.
Guest:Oh, fuck that guy.
Guest:You know?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Well, I think there's I it's sort of almost like a I don't know what I it's almost like a corporatized disposition that, you know, your agenda in life is to appear like somebody who can function in the machine that, you know what I mean?
Marc:It's sort of like, hey, man, I'm just, you know, I'm looking forward to it.
Marc:you know what i mean like i have to fucking train myself to say that like i think a lot of people that that positivity comes from uh like they're they're like some people are really against negativity but as i get older and less negative i'm like well i kind of understand that i don't really have time for for a lot of negativity from other people but also the other thing is that you have to realize it's like it's not easy for anybody and and it's and it is a struggle so either you're going to choose to repress your struggle and present this other thing yeah
Marc:Or you're going to be nuanced.
Marc:Like, I'm very happy when positive people lose their shit.
Marc:Like, that to me is like, even if I have nothing to do with it, that's like some sort of gift.
Marc:You know?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What's the matter with the happy guy?
Marc:Eh, fuck you.
Marc:It didn't work out.
Guest:I'm like,
Guest:Yeah, welcome back.
Guest:I like people not saying hi to me every time I walked by.
Marc:I like people who try all these different things like the Landmark Forum or all these different things to sort of rejigger their disposition and it just doesn't pan out.
Marc:Those guys are real warriors.
Guest:There's days where I'm like, maybe I should go to therapy.
Guest:Maybe I should take antidepressants.
Guest:And then I try to remind myself.
Guest:I was like, you know what?
Guest:In a couple days, for some reason, just like for no reason, just like for no reason I'm feeling this way, I'm going to feel really good and positive about something.
Guest:And I'm just going to ride those waves because I'd rather them happen like that.
Guest:No, I agree with you.
Marc:Yeah, I'm the same way.
Marc:And maybe that's why we get along.
Marc:But then as you get older, you realize, well, there's this one thing.
Marc:That keeps happening in my brain.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That, you know, is not great.
Marc:You know, how do I fucking tweak that that knob?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I feel like, you know, I have such weird vanity issues.
Guest:And for a guy that like, you know, like I'm just I'm constantly obsessing over my the way I look.
Guest:Yet I, you know, I don't go to the gym as much.
Guest:And I eat, you know.
Guest:So that's a choice.
Guest:And I drink beer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I call it this weird cycle of vanity where I'll be like, you know what?
Guest:I should really get my shit together.
Guest:I should stop drinking as much beer.
Guest:I should maybe just switch to vodka drinks or I should just stop drinking altogether.
Guest:I got to lose weight.
Guest:I got to shave more.
Guest:I got to brush my teeth more.
Guest:And then
Guest:i'll want to drink and then like i'll drink a beer and i'll be like and then all of a sudden i'll start going you know what who cares about what people look like vanity is all bullshit it's all about just like who you want to be and who you are and your personality and then i wake up the next day i'm like i shouldn't have had those 18 beers and cheeseburgers
Marc:god i really gotta get my shit together after beer one it's like i'm being true to myself man i don't need to fucking be so hard on myself i like this now yeah you know and that's the that's the i think that's worse than you know well yeah there's definitely that cycle i'm in it too where it's sort of like like i literally every day picture myself at the gym
Marc:I've been that guy before.
Marc:I compulsively have to get going.
Marc:I compulsively go to the gym every two days, right?
Marc:Every other day.
Marc:I'm doing yoga.
Marc:I've been that guy.
Marc:Once a week, yoga.
Marc:Run twice a week.
Marc:Do my workout.
Marc:And now it's gotten so far away from me.
Marc:But every day I'm like...
Marc:it's going to happen.
Marc:I picture myself at the treadmill.
Marc:I picture myself stretching.
Marc:But every time you don't do that, you're like, oh, fuck.
Marc:So you set up this thing where you're constantly judging yourself against this guy you should be.
Marc:And then you're, well, that's the knob I'm talking about.
Marc:I don't think that's very good.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I mean, I have this weird thing in my head.
Guest:That's the one thing I got to get rid of that I think would help me get to the gym more.
Guest:As I think about the whole process of getting to the gym, working out, coming home, taking a shower, and then, you know, starting the day.
Guest:To me, that process, those steps, takes about 40%.
Marc:40 hours yeah that's what i like in my hand like i don't have time for this i have to be somewhere in three hours right three hours yeah you could do it an hour and a half yeah yeah i know that's the weird thing about it's like it's really only you know at the most if you do a full workout and run it's like an hour and a half of your life yeah exactly yeah but like but yeah at the beginning it's like there's no way that i can fit that in listen to us a couple hands in the hen house
Guest:Like the last live WTF, we talked about pants.
Guest:We talked about jeans.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's rare.
Guest:I don't really talk to too many other guys about working out diets and pants as much as I do with you.
Guest:Should we go to the gym now?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We should have just done this on rowing machines.
Guest:Did you bring your shit?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Of course.
Guest:It's always in there ready to go from when I don't use it.
Guest:I'm ready to go.
Guest:I actually could go.
Guest:I have the whole day now.
Guest:What am I going to end up doing?
Guest:Yeah, see, I don't.
Guest:I have to go to work.
Guest:you have to go do a podcast no i gotta go back to the soup you know because i'm the guy i'm like you know when all my friends started going on the road i just decided to you know write on shows what was that is that hurting your comedy i sometimes think it does uh you know i know i don't know i don't have really anyone to compare myself to because i when i started i didn't i didn't get into any kind of particular crew you know you always hear these guys talking about who they come up with yeah
Guest:and i don't i like the guys i came up with aren't necessarily stand-ups like i came up with uh you know neil mahoney who's like a director editor producer writer guy you know i came up with cash hartzel who's this like really good you know uh producer guy and and uh or it's just these are the guys like jason ruiz who is this like animator who's a director you know
Guest:There's some people who came up with Canaan and those guys.
Guest:No, no, man.
Guest:Like Canaan, like they'll say they all came up in Chicago.
Guest:You know, maybe like it's like if I was to really try and pinpoint, it would be like when I start first are going to open mics in 2002.
Guest:And like, I guess you could say my crew at that time was me, Dan Mintz, BJ Novak.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Morgan Murphy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Jared Grody.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know and and Nick Yousef was there but like you know he was kind of more of a comedy store guy And we were just all doing that we were all doing the coffee shop right and then the what became comedy death ray and bang bang Had started and we all kind of became part of that crew right, but I was always I always felt like the little kid catching up, you know Hey, what about me guys?
Guest:I yeah, you know I'm I was I everyone else was 21 and I was like trying to I was stressing out about how to get into the bar everyone was hanging out at you're too young still I
Guest:I was 20 when I started.
Guest:How old is you now?
Guest:I'm 29.
Guest:I turned 30 in August.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So the new record is called what?
Guest:Hello, Mr. Magic Plane Person.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's on vinyl?
Guest:It's on 10-inch white vinyl.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's also available on iTunes and Amazon.
Guest:So you can get it on the internet.
Guest:You can get it on the internet.
Guest:But if you buy it from the AST store, where you could also pick up the first 100 episodes of WTF.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:If you get it from there, you can buy the vinyl, and it comes with a drop card that you can get the MP3s.
Guest:So you get, like, a nice piece of sweet 10-inch vinyl.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Then you also get the MP3s.
Guest:You can actually listen to it.
Guest:Is it that thick-grade vinyl?
Guest:It feels like it.
Guest:It feels like 180-gram vinyl, and we're hoping that's just because it's on white.
Marc:oh really yeah yeah that 180 gram vinyl is wild i got that i got a couple of dishes in it weighty yeah that was before my time by the time i was listening to records in the 70s a lot there was already shitty vinyl oh yeah yeah yeah i mean that that 180 gram thing is really like first vinyl shit that's like you know the jazz age right yeah well i mean like a jazz age was like glass glass 78s you know no like right after that
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I mean, I noticed 180 Grams coming back because I've been working at record stores for most of the last decade.
Marc:Oh, you worked at Amoeba, right?
Guest:I worked at Amoeba for a bit.
Marc:I got fired from there.
Marc:Didn't I bring my CDs in there once to put them in the racks?
Marc:Because I was on stand-up records and I couldn't get in the store.
Guest:Oh, I think so.
Marc:I think I brought in, you were working there, and I'm like, can we put these in?
Marc:And you're like, well, you can commission them or whatever.
Marc:I remember selling CDs to you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, I never bought CDs.
Guest:I was the guy at the checkout.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I probably gave you one of the many discounts I gave out.
Guest:Yeah, maybe that was it.
Guest:I got fired pretty quickly for giving out discounts.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I thought when they called me into the office, I thought it was because they found out I had been getting wasted during my lunch break.
Marc:Nah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That wasn't it.
Marc:Actually, it was for stealing.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Helping out friends and you worked at landmark cinemas.
Guest:You were one of the guy I worked at arc lights and arc light You were one of the guys that came out and said hey, how's everybody doing?
Guest:Yeah, I do any bits No, I cuz I remember the first time I saw I went to that theater and I saw someone trying to do bits I was like who the fuck is this guy fuck you.
Guest:This is fucking a movie like yeah Get the fuck out of the way idiot.
Guest:So you were just you don't do that
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I would just do it as bare minimum.
Guest:You have to go through a little training period before you do that.
Guest:And I was like, what's the bare minimum I can say?
Guest:And I basically just, I was like, it's like, you're an arc light.
Guest:You're about to see this.
Guest:This is the running time.
Guest:If you need anything, I'm over here.
Guest:Please start the movie.
Guest:Thanks a lot.
Guest:And people liked it.
Guest:People liked the fact.
Guest:Until the one day I did bits.
Guest:It was because I was so fucking overworked.
Guest:It was episode three of Star Wars had come out.
Guest:And we were just fucking overworked.
Guest:It was just the worst fucking weekend of my life.
Guest:We'd run out
Guest:of food because of all these fat fucking nerds just like there was like a guy that I got upset like he had bought three hot dogs yeah because he couldn't buy five that's like you know it just it was the worst it was the worst and like just everyone's stressed and I had to go in front of the dome which is a huge theater I'd go for the dome and start the show and I was just pissed off yeah
Guest:So pissed off.
Guest:I was like about to leave.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I get on the mic and I'm like, all right, everybody.
Guest:This is it.
Guest:This is the last one.
Guest:What are you going to do now?
Guest:What's going to happen after this?
Guest:You're going to, what do you have?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:Now you have nothing.
Guest:Maybe some cartoons.
Guest:And this is the one.
Guest:This is the last one.
Guest:This is how you find out how Captain Picard becomes Dark Vader.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And everyone's like, no!
Guest:Is that?
Guest:No!
Guest:It's Darth Vader!
Guest:Captain Picard's at...
Guest:They all turned into that Brian Pussain character.
Guest:Really?
Guest:They were like, no!
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:It's Star Wars!
Marc:Did people come up and give you shit, or did you get in trouble?
Guest:I go off to the side, and one of the managers is there.
Guest:He was tired, too.
Guest:I was like, oh, fuck, he's going to fire me.
Guest:He pats me on the back.
Guest:He's like, I'd fire you if I didn't agree with you.
Guest:All right, Jonah, man.
Guest:Thanks for hanging out.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:How about a little of this?
Marc:Oh, no.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:That went down the wrong pipe.
Marc:I didn't shit my pants.
Marc:I almost threw up.
Marc:Oh, no.
Marc:JustCoffee.com, available at WTFPod.com.
Marc:That is our show.
Marc:I love Jonah Ray.
Marc:Hope you enjoyed that.
Marc:I have to get up early.
Marc:I have lines to learn right now.
Marc:And, by the way, my father is now being played by Judd Hirsch.
Marc:I have scenes with Judd Hirsch tomorrow.
Marc:Go to WTFPod for all your WTFPod.com for all your WTFPod needs.
Marc:Get on the mailing list.
Marc:Kick in a few shekels.
Marc:Buy the new merch.
Marc:Some new posters.
Marc:Leave some comments.
Marc:Get the app.
Marc:Just check my schedule.
Marc:Nothing on it.
Marc:Not for the next few weeks.
Marc:But I love you all.
Marc:And I don't mean that in a condescending way.
Marc:I'm sorry if I feel a little guarded.
Marc:There's a lot of emotions going on.
Marc:I'm tired and I'm busy.
Marc:I miss my cat.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I'll talk to you Thursday.