Episode 320 - Gilbert Gottfried

Episode 320 • Released September 30, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Marc Maron.

00:00:24Marc:All right, let's do this.

00:00:25Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?

00:00:26Marc:What the fuck buddies?

00:00:27Marc:What the fuckineers?

00:00:28Marc:What the fuck nicks?

00:00:29Marc:What the fuckstables?

00:00:31Marc:What the fuck comedians?

00:00:32Marc:What the fuckologists?

00:00:35Marc:How are you, man, women, children, whoever's in the car, whoever's around, whoever's listening?

00:00:41Marc:I'm sorry.

00:00:42Marc:This is Mark Maron.

00:00:43Marc:This is WTF.

00:00:44Marc:I'm not well in the mind.

00:00:47Marc:My cat and yours, Boomer, the star of the end of the show, if you listen that long, has been missing for three days.

00:00:57Marc:And I'm worried.

00:00:59Marc:And I'm trying to hold on to hope, you know.

00:01:03Marc:I think that other cat out there just, I don't know.

00:01:06Marc:I don't know if it's a territorial thing.

00:01:08Marc:Look, this Boomer's split for a day or two before.

00:01:11Marc:I can't remember how long he's gone away for.

00:01:14Marc:I've had this cat 10 years, but I do remember feeling this way.

00:01:18Marc:I do remember just looking out on the deck at the negation of Boomer, the absence of the Boomer, of Boomy.

00:01:29Marc:I do remember throwing the towel in at some point in another point in time.

00:01:32Marc:Maybe he's been away this long.

00:01:33Marc:But it's a horrendous feeling because there's nothing you can do with a cat, an outdoor cat.

00:01:39Marc:I don't know.

00:01:40Marc:I looked everywhere.

00:01:41Marc:You think the worst?

00:01:42Marc:You think coyotes?

00:01:43Marc:You think that maybe he crawled somewhere and died?

00:01:45Marc:But maybe because he was being bullied so much by this other asshole out here, he just went and found a place to live.

00:01:52Marc:I don't know.

00:01:53Marc:Would he run away like that?

00:01:55Marc:A double life situation?

00:01:56Marc:Is he going to come back?

00:01:58Marc:Does he have a wife and kids somewhere else?

00:02:01Marc:What is he, my dad?

00:02:02Marc:I don't know about that.

00:02:04Marc:That was a little over the top there.

00:02:06Marc:But he is, I am a little unhappy about it and saddened by it.

00:02:11Marc:Like I said, I'm not going to get maudlin.

00:02:16Marc:I'd like to think he's out there adventuring and blowing some steam off, but I think that's a little bit of anthropomorphizing.

00:02:23Marc:Is that the word?

00:02:24Marc:Where you just project all kinds of human personalities onto your animals?

00:02:29Marc:I just think he's out there like, fuck that guy.

00:02:31Marc:Fuck Mark.

00:02:33Marc:Fuck that other cat.

00:02:34Marc:I'm out of here.

00:02:35Marc:Need a little time.

00:02:37Marc:Need a little space.

00:02:38Marc:Going to go eat someone else's food for a while.

00:02:40Marc:See if I can make some new friends.

00:02:42Marc:Maybe hang out in that weird crevice that I like across the way.

00:02:48Marc:That's what I'm hoping for.

00:02:51Marc:But I'm freaking out in general as well.

00:02:53Marc:I'll keep you abreast of that situation.

00:02:55Marc:Gilbert Gottfried is on the show today.

00:02:56Marc:I think we did all right, Gilbert and I.

00:03:00Marc:I didn't completely expect him to lose the character or the voice, but I thought we had a good conversation.

00:03:07Marc:You can enjoy that in a few minutes.

00:03:09Marc:You can do it now if you really want to, but I'm going to keep talking.

00:03:13Marc:Pow!

00:03:14Marc:Just coffee iced.

00:03:16Marc:Shit my pants.

00:03:17Marc:Cooler than the regular.

00:03:23Marc:So what else?

00:03:24Marc:I'm freaking out.

00:03:25Marc:I started shooting my IFC show today.

00:03:30Marc:And over the weekend, I was freaking out.

00:03:33Marc:I was freaking out about Boomer.

00:03:34Marc:I'm looking at pictures of Boomer.

00:03:35Marc:I printed up some flyers.

00:03:37Marc:I put them in mailboxes around here.

00:03:40Marc:But then I realized that this is what I do.

00:03:43Marc:Every time I'm about to do anything important, I freak out, but not about that.

00:03:47Marc:I make it about something else.

00:03:49Marc:Like on Friday, I'm on my way to Detroit on the airplane.

00:03:54Marc:I'm doing a one nighter magic bag.

00:03:56Marc:On Saturday night, thanks for coming out, you guys.

00:03:58Marc:It was great shows.

00:03:59Marc:Had a great time.

00:04:01Marc:Didn't know if I was going to be able to do it because the entire flight there, I was worried about my cat.

00:04:06Marc:I was feeling sad about Boomi.

00:04:08Marc:And then I decided I was getting a cold sore.

00:04:10Marc:And then I decided that I need Valtrex.

00:04:12Marc:And then I realized I don't have any.

00:04:14Marc:I usually bring it with me, but I don't have any.

00:04:15Marc:So now I've got to...

00:04:17Marc:Cold sore and I got to be on camera Monday.

00:04:19Marc:And if I don't have Valtrex, that thing's going to explode because I get them bad.

00:04:23Marc:I get cold sores on my lip that look like I've been punching the fucking face.

00:04:26Marc:So this is what I'm picturing.

00:04:28Marc:I'm not going to be able to shoot the show because I've got this monstrosity on my face.

00:04:33Marc:And there's nothing I can do to stop because I didn't have any Valtrex.

00:04:35Marc:And it's Saturday.

00:04:36Marc:I'm flying out on a Saturday.

00:04:38Marc:I don't have any doctors in Detroit.

00:04:40Marc:I don't even have a doctor in L.A.

00:04:41Marc:What the hell am I going to do?

00:04:42Marc:How am I going to get Valtrex?

00:04:43Marc:So that's what my brain's doing.

00:04:45Marc:Instead of just realizing, look, you know, I'm doing something new, a little uncomfortable.

00:04:48Marc:No, that's what's going to happen.

00:04:50Marc:I'm going to get a fucking huge cold sore on my face and it's going to be stupid and I'm going to be fucked.

00:04:55Marc:How do I get Valtrex in Detroit on Saturday afternoon at 430 in the afternoon?

00:05:01Marc:I'm on the plane.

00:05:03Marc:I'm on the Wi-Fi.

00:05:04Marc:I'm Googling Walgreens.

00:05:05Marc:I'm looking for one that's open late enough for me to get a script called in.

00:05:08Marc:Then I got to figure out who's going to write me a script.

00:05:12Marc:My dad's not a practicing doctor anymore.

00:05:14Marc:I got no doctor I can call on a Saturday.

00:05:16Marc:Then I realized, Ken Jeong.

00:05:18Marc:Write Ken Jeong an email.

00:05:20Marc:That's how desperate I was.

00:05:21Marc:I wrote Dr. Ken an email to see if he could troubleshoot with me on how I could get some Valtrex.

00:05:27Marc:for the cold sore that I don't even know if it's there.

00:05:30Marc:I'm running my tongue over my lips so much that I think I'm creating one.

00:05:33Marc:And Dr. Ken, God bless him.

00:05:35Marc:I say that a lot.

00:05:36Marc:Doesn't mean I believe in God.

00:05:37Marc:I like saying God bless him.

00:05:39Marc:He got back to me, said, try some over the counter stuff.

00:05:41Marc:Don't freak out.

00:05:42Marc:I'm on set.

00:05:44Marc:You know, he emailed me back from the set of a movie.

00:05:48Marc:to tell me relax try the over the counter stuff and then I wrote back like I'm sorry it's inappropriate didn't know what to do I'm panicking about things I don't even think I have a cold sore but he was very nice he wrote back to me the next day is everything alright I'm like yeah it didn't happen

00:06:04Marc:So then yesterday I decided I was losing my voice.

00:06:08Marc:That's another thing I do is that I'm about to do Letterman or anything.

00:06:11Marc:And I'm like, I'm losing my voice.

00:06:12Marc:I was doing that out loud on the plane, flying home from Detroit next to somebody full plane.

00:06:17Marc:I'm like, um, la, la, la, la, la.

00:06:21Marc:Cause I'm sure I'm going to lose my voice.

00:06:26Marc:It's fucking ridiculous.

00:06:27Marc:I'm literally my throat.

00:06:28Marc:I'm strangling myself from the inside because I have something amazing to do.

00:06:33Marc:What is that?

00:06:36Marc:Jesus.

00:06:37Marc:I'll let you know how it went today.

00:06:41Marc:What else?

00:06:41Marc:Gilbert Gottfried.

00:06:42Marc:Oh, I got to share this moment with you because it was pretty special and you're not going to hear it on the interview because it happened after the interview.

00:06:51Marc:Gilbert came in.

00:06:52Marc:He was with his wife or his girlfriend, the mother of his children.

00:06:55Marc:I don't know.

00:06:55Marc:They were in the house.

00:06:56Marc:And he's very meek guy in a lot of ways when he when he is off.

00:07:01Marc:He's very quiet and slightly hunched over.

00:07:03Marc:And he's an adorable little Jewish man, Gilbert Gottfried.

00:07:07Marc:So they leave the house.

00:07:08Marc:I give them their swag, which is a hand-thrown ceramic mug made by Brian Jones up in Portland.

00:07:17Marc:I give those to the guests and some coffee, some justcoffee.coop if they'd like.

00:07:23Marc:So him and his girl, they walk down the driveway.

00:07:26Marc:I watch him kind of schlimping down the driveway, I think you would say, in the Yiddish hybrid of a word that connotes either a slovenly man or an old small gentleman.

00:07:39Marc:He's just kind of moving down the driveway, and they go to the car, and after I say goodbye, two minutes later, he comes back up.

00:07:46Marc:He walks in and he goes, I should go to the bathroom.

00:07:51Marc:And I go, OK, go to the bathroom, Gilbert.

00:07:53Marc:So he goes to the bathroom and then he comes out.

00:07:55Marc:He goes, you know, I didn't I didn't bring enough.

00:07:59Marc:I don't do an impression.

00:08:00Marc:I didn't bring it.

00:08:01Marc:But he's talking like himself.

00:08:02Marc:It's cold.

00:08:03Marc:I didn't realize it would be so cold.

00:08:04Marc:I didn't bring a jacket.

00:08:06Marc:Do you have a jacket?

00:08:08Marc:And I just thought this was something so telling and so wonderful in a way about his personality that most people, if they needed a little hoodie or something, you go to Target.

00:08:20Marc:I could have told him where to go to Target or you stop by a store or Kmart or whatever.

00:08:24Marc:You pick up a cheap hoodie and you're all set for your trip.

00:08:28Marc:But Gilbert says, do you have anything you don't, can I have a jacket?

00:08:31Marc:He's asking me for a jacket.

00:08:33Marc:And I just thought it was so sweet.

00:08:34Marc:And I gave him some Jimmy Kimmel, a Jimmy Kimmel hoodie.

00:08:39Marc:That I hadn't worn yet.

00:08:41Marc:It was Schwag from the Kimmel Show.

00:08:42Marc:And he's like, oh, this is perfect.

00:08:44Marc:Okay, I'll take this.

00:08:46Marc:And he took it.

00:08:47Marc:And I just thought it was so sweet for some reason.

00:08:50Marc:He came in and he needed a jacket, so he just asked for one.

00:08:54Marc:And I felt like I was sending my boy off to school.

00:08:58Marc:Then when I saw him on The Burn, Jeff Ross' show, he said, you know that hoodie you gave me?

00:09:03Marc:I've washed it three times.

00:09:04Marc:I can't get the cat hair off it.

00:09:07Marc:Hey, buddy, I'm sorry.

00:09:09Marc:I'm not a store.

00:09:10Marc:You take what you get.

00:09:18Marc:We met once.

00:09:19Marc:I think it was a weird gig.

00:09:21Marc:It was in Boston.

00:09:22Marc:In my recollection, it took place at a Knicks comedy club at the Saugus Chinese restaurant, and it was you and Larry Bud Melman, and I did 10 minutes before you.

00:09:36Marc:Does that ring a bell at all?

00:09:38Marc:I remember Larry Bud Melman.

00:09:41Marc:Do you remember working with him ever?

00:09:43Marc:Don't hmm.

00:09:45Marc:I mean I could be making it up, but I don't think so I think you came in for like 15 minutes.

00:09:49Marc:You did your thing I I said hello, and you said probably some version why you know, I don't remember what yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Does that sound like the exchange?

00:09:59Marc:Yeah, that's my catchphrase Wow If it isn't it needs to be now so no I haven't you know we've never really met which is weird because I've met most guys but you were sort of I

00:10:12Marc:You were like the generation before me.

00:10:14Marc:Do you identify yourself?

00:10:16Marc:No, not old, but who are your guys that you came up with in your mind?

00:10:21Guest:Eddie Cantor.

00:10:22Marc:Sure.

00:10:22Marc:Banjo Eyes himself, of course.

00:10:25Marc:Oh, yes.

00:10:25Marc:The wonderful Eddie Cantor.

00:10:29Guest:But where did you start doing it?

00:10:33Guest:Oh, God.

00:10:37Guest:You can remember.

00:10:38Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:10:39Marc:I know you can.

00:10:40Guest:No, I know.

00:10:40Guest:I can remember.

00:10:41Marc:You were like nine years old, weren't you?

00:10:43Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:10:44Guest:I was pretty much nine years old.

00:10:46Marc:You started doing comedy in your bar mitzvah suit.

00:10:49Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:10:50Marc:Here I am with my Israel bonds.

00:10:52Guest:They were pretty much, I was a baby and they were washing the goo and fluids off of me.

00:10:58Guest:And I was going, am I on next?

00:11:01Guest:Yeah.

00:11:03Guest:Yeah.

00:11:03Guest:Where's the light?

00:11:04Guest:Yeah.

00:11:05Guest:Yeah.

00:11:05Guest:They were tying the cord on me and I was going, what should, should I open with this?

00:11:11Marc:With the cord thing?

00:11:12Marc:Yeah.

00:11:13Marc:Hey, what am I going to eat now?

00:11:16Guest:how do i eat i'm angry get me on stage but where did you start uh first time i went on stage i was like 15 years old at the bitter end in new york right in the greenwich village yeah and was it a comedy night or was there a folk singer it was it was called hoot nanny night yeah and

00:11:39Guest:And so most of it was like, you know, everybody with a guitar.

00:11:45Guest:Right, right, right.

00:11:46Guest:You know, bad like Woody Guthrie.

00:11:49Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:50Guest:Bob Dylan imitators.

00:11:52Marc:And then a 15-year-old Gilbert Guthrie.

00:11:54Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:11:55Guest:Doing like...

00:11:56Guest:And I'm doing impressions.

00:11:58Guest:Yeah.

00:11:59Guest:And I was there like, you know, doing like Boris Karloff and Humphrey Bogart.

00:12:07Marc:The topical stuff.

00:12:10Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:12:11Guest:Even back then, my act was totally dated.

00:12:15Guest:You know, that's what... But what the hell?

00:12:18Guest:Did your parents take you?

00:12:20Guest:No, no.

00:12:22Marc:You ran away from home?

00:12:23Guest:Oh, yes, yes, and joined the circus.

00:12:26Guest:Yeah.

00:12:27Guest:I went with my two older sisters just...

00:12:31Guest:Basically, because I thought I would get lost riding the subway myself.

00:12:37Guest:From where?

00:12:38Guest:I still live in Brooklyn.

00:12:40Marc:Yeah.

00:12:41Guest:So we went out there and... Yeah, I don't know.

00:12:46Guest:See, I think now especially... You know how...

00:12:50Guest:it's not till years later you have some vague idea what your parents were doing all that time yeah and it's like you know so now i think you know imagine having a kid say well i'm gonna make it i'm gonna be the next bob hope or something you know it's like oh please it's like if you said that to them if you actually said bob hope was your role model yeah yeah

00:13:15Marc:I would imagine they'd be very concerned.

00:13:18Marc:Out of all the guys you could have picked, Bob Hope, you could see me, Ma, right in front of the troops.

00:13:24Guest:Yeah, like...

00:13:27Marc:Making our boys abroad feel better.

00:13:29Guest:Yeah.

00:13:30Guest:And fucking Anne Margaret.

00:13:32Guest:Yeah.

00:13:33Marc:That was the actual reason.

00:13:35Marc:The Bob Hope thing.

00:13:36Guest:And, I mean, I, you know, now you kind of think if, like, your kid said that to you, you'd go, well, can't you just collect cans and bottles in the street?

00:13:48Marc:Do something with a cart.

00:13:49Marc:Something that has a future.

00:13:51Guest:It makes sense.

00:13:52Marc:But when you were a kid, you grew up in what part of Brooklyn?

00:13:55Guest:I was born in Coney Island, then lived in Crown Heights, and then Borough Park.

00:14:00Marc:And what was your family like?

00:14:01Marc:What did your old man do?

00:14:03Marc:What was the situation at home?

00:14:04Marc:Deli foods?

00:14:05Marc:Was there smoked fish?

00:14:07Marc:Was there Yiddish in the house?

00:14:09Guest:No, no.

00:14:10Guest:It wasn't...

00:14:11Guest:it was funny i always kind of thought of like uh being a jew yeah like these people who go like um well i'm not a practicing sure yeah i always felt like oh does that mean you buy things full price right right sure you don't look you don't take a coupon with you they're culturally jewish which means they just act irritating to other cultures oh yes yes

00:14:36Guest:And to me, I always felt like growing up, it was like we knew we were Jews.

00:14:44Guest:It was definitely Jewish in the way that you knew whoever was going to be rounding up the Jews for execution next, you'd be rounded up.

00:14:53Marc:You'd be on that list.

00:14:54Guest:Yeah.

00:14:56Marc:But you'd be low on the list because you're not that Jewish.

00:14:58Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:14:58Yeah.

00:15:01Guest:You'd get another 15 minutes before they put you on the freight car.

00:15:06Guest:And, well, it's just like these people like Sarah Michelle Gellar, who's Buffy.

00:15:15Marc:Yeah.

00:15:16Guest:Yeah, she's one of the, she's a Jew who says she's not a Jew.

00:15:20Marc:Oh, she says she's not a Jew at all?

00:15:22Marc:Yeah.

00:15:22Marc:Well, I mean, that's annoying.

00:15:23Guest:Yeah, that's extremely annoying.

00:15:25Marc:But, I mean, because some people you can't, I don't think that anyone would believe you.

00:15:30Ha ha!

00:15:31Marc:like i'd imagine at any point in your life if you were to say i'm not a jew you'll be like right okay see i always think people look at me and go oh look it's val kilmer oh sure yeah the future val kilmer when he became smaller and jewish yes and extremely irritating

00:15:53Marc:So you had two older sisters, that's it?

00:15:55Guest:Yes.

00:15:56Marc:And you were all living in Coney Island.

00:15:58Marc:It wasn't, not by the amusement park, right?

00:16:00Guest:Not far, but it wasn't like everyone always thinks of that scene in Annie Hall.

00:16:05Marc:In Woody Island, yeah, of course, of course.

00:16:07Marc:Well, I mean, it was kind of, what was it like then?

00:16:09Marc:It's all Russian now, right?

00:16:11Guest:Yeah, it was, I don't know.

00:16:12Guest:I remember it being very crappy in the middle of nowhere.

00:16:16Marc:But you had a beach?

00:16:17Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:16:20Marc:You could walk by the ghosts of fun that once happened at another time.

00:16:24Marc:Oh, yes.

00:16:24Marc:Apparently, this used to be a fun place.

00:16:27Guest:And we lived in, my father and my uncle owned a hardware store.

00:16:35Marc:See, I like that.

00:16:35Guest:Yeah.

00:16:36Marc:My grandfather owned a hardware store.

00:16:39Marc:It was just like there was a time where men did things.

00:16:43Guest:Yes.

00:16:44Marc:Yes.

00:16:44Marc:I have a store.

00:16:45Marc:What do you need?

00:16:46Marc:Yeah, we got that.

00:16:47Marc:It's a fitting for the thing.

00:16:49Marc:Someone goes, Bert, could you take her to the thing?

00:16:51Marc:Right?

00:16:52Marc:What was your uncle's name?

00:16:53Guest:Seymour.

00:16:54Marc:Seymour, she needs a thing for the pipe.

00:16:57Marc:And then your uncle would go get it.

00:16:58Guest:Yeah, it would, I mean, to me, it's like, you know, my father was in the army, and so was my uncles, and, you know, my father could fix stuff, plaster, paint.

00:17:13Marc:See that?

00:17:13Marc:No one thinks Jews can do that anymore.

00:17:16Guest:Yeah, yeah, they can't.

00:17:17Marc:What happened to the painting Jews?

00:17:19Marc:Ha ha ha!

00:17:20Marc:Where are the Jews that can fix things?

00:17:23Guest:Bring me a painting Jew.

00:17:26Guest:And I always think now, it always hits me when I'll get booked to do something like on TV or at a club, and I'll go, oh, God, that's what they're paying, and I have to do 12 minutes.

00:17:41Guest:And it's like I'm really... And I'm thinking...

00:17:44Guest:I always get a picture of my father in my mind going, well, wait, this is what you're bitching about?

00:17:52Guest:Right, right.

00:17:53Guest:I didn't make this money in my lifetime.

00:17:56Marc:Right, right.

00:17:56Marc:It would be different if it was like, now Gilbert Gottfried's going to fix a toilet in eight minutes.

00:18:04Marc:Go.

00:18:04Marc:Here's Gilbert Gottfried with a wrench.

00:18:08Marc:Yeah, because you should thank God every day.

00:18:11Guest:Yeah.

00:18:11Guest:Back then, guys actually got their hands dirty.

00:18:15Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:18:16Marc:And they were always sweaty and they're running around in undershirts and they're fixing stuff.

00:18:20Marc:Well, I mean, the hardware store for me when I was a kid, my grandfather had one.

00:18:24Marc:I loved going in there because there were always men hanging around talking about shit that seemed important.

00:18:29Guest:Yes, yes.

00:18:30Guest:Although, I remember with my father's hardware store, if you ever saw someone in there, it was pretty much miraculous.

00:18:38Marc:Oh, really?

00:18:39Marc:Yeah.

00:18:40Guest:I mean, they could have locked the door with Scotch tape.

00:18:43Marc:So it was a sad hardware store?

00:18:44Marc:Yeah.

00:18:45Marc:They didn't have nails?

00:18:47Guest:Yeah, well, actually, I remember, one thing I remember about my father,

00:18:51Guest:was him going, he would be very annoyed.

00:18:54Guest:These people would come and go, do you have a nail?

00:18:57Guest:And that would be what they'd want.

00:18:59Guest:Like one nail.

00:19:01Marc:And he sat around going, we've got to figure out a way to sell 10.

00:19:04Marc:Yes.

00:19:05Marc:So it was not, how long did they have the store?

00:19:07Guest:Oh, quite a while.

00:19:10Guest:How they paid for it, I don't know.

00:19:13Guest:I'd like to, I pray that it was a money laundering operation and the mob was somehow.

00:19:20Marc:Somehow helped out.

00:19:22Guest:And one thing I talk about in the book that was true.

00:19:26Guest:He, one time there was a law passed because everyone was like sniffing glue.

00:19:33Marc:Right.

00:19:34Guest:Years ago.

00:19:35Marc:I remember, yeah.

00:19:36Marc:Yeah.

00:19:37Marc:You had to put it behind the counter like Sudafed now.

00:19:39Marc:Oh, yes, yes.

00:19:40Marc:Right?

00:19:40Marc:Yeah.

00:19:40Guest:And they carry these little bags with the glue in it and sniff it.

00:19:45Marc:Yeah.

00:19:45Guest:And I'm showing this.

00:19:46Marc:Yeah.

00:19:47Marc:It's a miraculously effective simulation.

00:19:50Marc:Oh, yes.

00:19:51Marc:You took me there.

00:19:52Marc:Yes.

00:19:52Guest:You took me to the bag.

00:19:53Guest:I'm like Marcel Marceau.

00:19:55Yes.

00:19:56Marc:The glue sniffing mime.

00:19:57Guest:Oh, wait.

00:19:58Guest:Now I'm walking against the wind.

00:20:00Marc:Oh, that is great.

00:20:01Marc:Come on.

00:20:02Guest:I'm stuck in a box.

00:20:04Marc:Oh, my God.

00:20:05Marc:You are stuck in a box.

00:20:07Marc:Gilbert is stuck in the Gilbert box.

00:20:09Marc:Can someone let Gilbert out of Gilbert?

00:20:11Marc:Everyone's been waiting for Gilbert to get out of Gilbert.

00:20:14Guest:I certainly have.

00:20:19Guest:So with that, they passed a law that in order to, an idiotic law, like they knew people were buying this glue to get stoned with.

00:20:30Guest:So in order to sell someone glue, they had to buy a model kit.

00:20:38Marc:So you had to buy a plane to get high.

00:20:39Guest:Yeah.

00:20:40Yeah.

00:20:40Guest:Now, my father had like one model kit, a star, that he must have had for 50 years that no one ever bought, covered with dust.

00:20:50Guest:So one day, someone, these kids came in and bought that for like a quarter.

00:20:56Guest:Then they went, and when he was leaving, he saw it was in the garbage, unopened.

00:21:01Guest:And so then after that, every time kids would come in and buy the glue,

00:21:07Guest:They'd leave, he'd like count to three, and then go out and take that same box.

00:21:12Guest:And so he resold that model kit about like 500 times.

00:21:18Marc:And sent a generation of young Coney Island boys on their journey into drug addiction.

00:21:23Marc:Yes.

00:21:24Marc:You're going to get so much more out of that than you are a plane that you put together and sits on your desk.

00:21:29Marc:He provided those kids with a lifetime of possibility.

00:21:34Marc:Good for your father helping out the youth.

00:21:38Marc:I see where you get it now.

00:21:40Guest:Then he sold cocaine.

00:21:42Marc:Made a whole operation.

00:21:43Marc:Good, good.

00:21:44Marc:That's where he made the money.

00:21:45Marc:So we figured it out.

00:21:46Marc:No one was buying nails.

00:21:48Marc:Now, so your mom didn't work?

00:21:50Marc:She hung out?

00:21:52Guest:Yeah, I mean, she worked as a housewife.

00:21:54Marc:Yeah, dealing with your father's disappointment?

00:21:56Yeah.

00:21:59Guest:Pretty much.

00:21:59Marc:That was her job?

00:22:00Marc:Yeah.

00:22:02Marc:And now, so you started doing the comedy at 15.

00:22:05Marc:That was the first time you went on, but when did you really start doing it?

00:22:08Marc:And where in New York?

00:22:10Guest:Well, that's the funny thing.

00:22:12Guest:I always say, and I'm serious, I always say, I don't know if I did well or if I was too stupid to know what doing well or bombing was.

00:22:21Marc:Do you ever?

00:22:21Guest:Yeah, no.

00:22:24Guest:I'm so used to bombing now.

00:22:27Guest:I go, hey, I did pretty good.

00:22:29Marc:Well, no, I always wonder.

00:22:30Marc:Like, obviously, you know when you're doing well, but when you have such an extreme character on stage and you just keep pushing... Oh, yeah.

00:22:38Marc:I mean, are there times where you got to, like, sort of snap out of it and check in?

00:22:41Marc:Like, all right, there's some smiles going back in.

00:22:44Guest:Yes, yes.

00:22:45Guest:It's like, how many times... Yeah.

00:22:48Guest:This happens to me when I'm on stage.

00:22:51Guest:How many times are you up there and all of a sudden it goes into your head and you go...

00:22:56Guest:Wait a minute.

00:22:57Guest:What the fuck am I doing now?

00:22:59Guest:I'm standing here.

00:23:01Guest:I'm talking to a group of people and I'm thinking I'm somehow funnier or wittier than they are.

00:23:08Guest:What am I doing right now?

00:23:10Marc:I think the reason we get on stage is to avoid that moment at all costs.

00:23:14Guest:Oh, yes!

00:23:16Marc:That's pretty much it.

00:23:21Marc:That's the only reason we get on stage is to not be aware that someone is looking at us with expectations of any kind.

00:23:31Marc:That's the whole drive of it.

00:23:33Marc:This is my time.

00:23:34Marc:Don't look at me like that.

00:23:36Marc:No, but sometimes I'll be in the middle of a joke and there'll be not the laugh I want and there's that moment of silence that I will sit in for maybe 10, 15 seconds and then acknowledge it and just say, this is odd, right?

00:23:49Marc:We're all waiting for something.

00:23:51Marc:But it is a really profound, weird moment.

00:23:53Marc:What the hell am I doing up here?

00:23:54Guest:And then those thoughts that go through your mind, they're two different types.

00:23:59Guest:Sometimes it's a bit you've been doing 5,000 years already.

00:24:03Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:24:04Guest:And you're thinking about, where did I put my green sock?

00:24:08Guest:Do I still have that?

00:24:09Guest:I know I did the laundry.

00:24:11Marc:Where am I going to eat after?

00:24:12Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:24:13Marc:Do I get free soda here?

00:24:14Marc:Yeah.

00:24:15Guest:It's like the soda last time was a little flat, but it seemed okay.

00:24:21Yeah.

00:24:21Guest:And then there's that other thing that goes in my head when I'm doing my act where I go into a certain bit.

00:24:29Guest:And in my head, I'm going, why did I start going into this bit?

00:24:33Guest:I don't have the energy.

00:24:36Marc:And you felt this way when you were 15, right?

00:24:39Guest:Yes, yeah.

00:24:40Guest:I already felt I had been doing it too long.

00:24:44Guest:Or you start going, okay, now I do this next line, and this next line never worked.

00:24:50Marc:Right, right.

00:24:51Guest:Why am I still doing it?

00:24:53Guest:I have to change this one day.

00:24:55Marc:Yeah, as long as you're not doing a line that gets a laugh, and then you think, like, what are they laughing at?

00:25:00Guest:Oh, yes, yes.

00:25:03Marc:If they knew how many times I heard this fucking joke,

00:25:06Marc:They would not be laughing at all.

00:25:09Marc:Are they just being nice?

00:25:10Guest:Yeah.

00:25:12Marc:But after the... Okay, so when you did your jokes, you initially... Did you stick with impressions or you did not?

00:25:19Guest:I stuck with impressions for a while.

00:25:21Marc:And you do a couple still, right?

00:25:22Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:25:23Guest:Yeah, I still do them.

00:25:25Guest:Let me see.

00:25:28Guest:Onslow Stevens, Maria Ospenskaya...

00:25:33Guest:I, oh, well, the one I always, I remember when I started doing, like, catch in the improv, like, Seinfeld was just like another schmuck hanging out.

00:25:44Marc:Yeah.

00:25:44Guest:Waiting to go on.

00:25:45Marc:Now he's a very rich schmuck hanging out.

00:25:47Marc:Rich schmuck.

00:25:49Marc:Still feeling like he needs to do things.

00:25:51Marc:It's weird about rich schmucks, isn't it?

00:25:53Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:25:54Marc:It's like, if I had that kind of money, you know what I would do?

00:25:56Marc:Stop doing it.

00:26:00Guest:Yeah.

00:26:00Guest:And I think he's still waiting for the marriage riff to take off.

00:26:05Marc:Yeah.

00:26:06Marc:Yeah.

00:26:07Marc:That's going to have to ask you to do it.

00:26:08Guest:See, that just shows when you hit the level of Seinfeld.

00:26:12Marc:Yeah.

00:26:12Guest:You can go to a network and go, hey, I've got this idea of the marriage riff.

00:26:17Guest:Yeah.

00:26:17Guest:Hey, good enough.

00:26:18Marc:Great.

00:26:18Marc:Your name on it?

00:26:19Marc:Yeah.

00:26:20Marc:Excellent.

00:26:20Marc:Yeah.

00:26:20Marc:Let's go.

00:26:21Marc:We'll draw up the paperwork right now.

00:26:23Yeah.

00:26:23Guest:And so I remember, at times, just to screw around on stage, I would start imitating the other comics, the bartender and stuff.

00:26:37Guest:And I would do, like, Seinfeld a lot.

00:26:40Guest:Just the other comics and waitstaff would laugh.

00:26:43Guest:And the audience was scratching their heads.

00:26:45Marc:They had no idea how ahead of your time you were.

00:26:47Guest:Oh, yes!

00:26:48Guest:Ha ha ha!

00:26:49Guest:And what I heard is that every time I would do Seinfeld, everybody would run into the room, and Seinfeld wouldn't come in.

00:27:02Guest:He'd wait out in a bar, pacing back and forth.

00:27:06Guest:Oh, really?

00:27:07Guest:Why do they think that sounds like me?

00:27:11Guest:I don't talk that way.

00:27:13Guest:He makes me sound like I've got some kind of sing-song voice.

00:27:17Guest:Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:27:19Marc:That was like a Catch a Rising Star then, right?

00:27:24Guest:Yeah.

00:27:25Marc:So when you started working there, were you like 19, 20, what?

00:27:27Guest:I guess so.

00:27:29Marc:Yeah?

00:27:29Guest:Yeah.

00:27:30Guest:I forget when it started, yeah, but Catch a Rising Star and oh, the improv.

00:27:36Marc:So yeah, so you were there still when it was kind of vital, right?

00:27:39Marc:The improv was still- Oh, yeah.

00:27:41Marc:Yeah.

00:27:41Marc:Who was around?

00:27:43Marc:Oh, well- Bud was still around?

00:27:44Guest:Yeah, yeah, Bud Friedman.

00:27:46Marc:And was Andy Kaufman around?

00:27:48Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:27:48Marc:Kaufman?

00:27:49Guest:Yeah, Andy Kaufman or Kaufman.

00:27:52Marc:I say Kaufman is the right way to say it.

00:27:53Marc:I had Zamuda in here, and I kept saying Kaufman, and he never corrected me.

00:27:57Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:27:59Guest:They were around.

00:28:00Guest:Let's see who was in there.

00:28:01Marc:But did you have friends, or were you like, you know, here comes that weird kid?

00:28:06Guest:I think it was more here comes that weird kid.

00:28:09Guest:Like, occasionally they'd talk to me, but it was more like here comes that weird kid.

00:28:13Marc:You didn't find yourself at many diners with guys afterwards?

00:28:22Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:28:23Guest:It's not like we were all like puffing a cigar.

00:28:28Marc:Well, you know, people hang out.

00:28:29Marc:They hang out.

00:28:30Guest:I mean, I would wind up in those places sometimes.

00:28:36Marc:But who was like the guys that you would hang out with usually?

00:28:38Guest:Let me see.

00:28:39Marc:Because that's like going back, what is it, in the early 70s, right?

00:28:43Yeah.

00:28:43Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:28:44Guest:Well, and so let's, I mean, Seinfeld I never hung out with.

00:28:48Guest:He always struck me as a little peculiar.

00:28:51Guest:Yeah.

00:28:52Marc:I guess that's a kind word.

00:28:53Marc:It's one of those broad words.

00:28:57Marc:It could go either way.

00:28:58Marc:It could be good, peculiar.

00:28:59Guest:That's why he may or may not have been a Scientologist at one point, but that's why it would surprise no one.

00:29:06Marc:What's weird about him is that, you know, as a guy who loves comedy and, you know, I can appreciate his success and everything else, but I never got a sense of who that guy was.

00:29:15Guest:No.

00:29:16Guest:See, like with me, if you caught me hanging in my bathroom, you'd go, yeah, yeah.

00:29:22Marc:Of course that's what this was leading to.

00:29:24Guest:Yeah, that sounds about right.

00:29:27Marc:I always wondered what was inside of that guy.

00:29:29Guest:Oh, look, Gilbert slashed his wrist open.

00:29:31Guest:Yeah.

00:29:32Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:29:33Guest:Why even mention it?

00:29:36Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:29:36Marc:Well, you're not a depressive, but, you know, I think that you're one of those enigmatic people.

00:29:41Marc:It's like, what the hell's going on in there?

00:29:45Guest:It's like, you know, if I killed myself, it would be with the same shock when you heard Amy Winehouse.

00:29:51Guest:You know, it's like, yeah, I guess it's a shock.

00:29:55Marc:I don't know.

00:29:56Marc:It would be a shock if you OD'd on crack and heroin.

00:29:59Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:30:02Marc:I wonder if he got it at his father's store.

00:30:03Yeah.

00:30:05Marc:No, but I mean, no, I think people would be very surprised and saddened by that, Gilbert.

00:30:09Marc:Don't.

00:30:10Marc:But you know what I mean.

00:30:11Marc:Thank you.

00:30:11Guest:That's the nicest thing.

00:30:13Marc:We'd all be surprised if you killed yourself.

00:30:15Marc:So if it's anywhere in the cards, just know that I would probably say something on the show.

00:30:22Marc:Oh, thank you.

00:30:22Marc:And we'd talk about it for at least three days, and we'd be making jokes about it two weeks in.

00:30:27Marc:Two weeks later, the Gilbert hanging himself jokes would be the rave.

00:30:32Marc:Oh, of course.

00:30:33Marc:You know what?

00:30:33Marc:And because of your history, no one would say it was too soon.

00:30:36Guest:Yeah.

00:30:38Marc:People would actually be saying, I was doing a Gilbert suicide joke two hours after I heard about it.

00:30:43Guest:I was doing it before he even thought of killing himself.

00:30:46Marc:I think I caused it.

00:30:47Marc:That's how good my joke was.

00:30:50Yeah.

00:30:52Marc:But when you were a kid, what drove you to the... Because you said you did impressions of Boris Karloff and Bill Lugosi, but obviously when you were very young, that shit was still on television, like on Channel 11.

00:31:03Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:31:04Guest:There would be, I think, like Channel 11 and 9 had horror movies.

00:31:08Marc:Yeah, yeah, and the Three Stooges and the Little Rascals.

00:31:11Marc:The Bowery Boys.

00:31:12Marc:Right, the Bowery Boys.

00:31:13Marc:Yes.

00:31:14Guest:They even had the Blondie movies.

00:31:18Right.

00:31:18Marc:Oh, really?

00:31:19Marc:That's right, Dagwood and Blondie, right.

00:31:21Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:31:21Marc:I kind of remember those, because I used to go to my grandparents, and he'd watch Three Stooges, and that one channel, all it ran was Little Rascals, Bowery Boys, Three Stooges, Blondie movies, and all that great old comedy, the black and white stuff.

00:31:35Guest:I remember watching the Blondie movies, then years later, when I saw William H. Macy, I thought, he'd be a great Dagwood if they brought back those Blondie movies.

00:31:46Marc:You know what?

00:31:47Marc:If it were another time, it could happen.

00:31:51Marc:Yeah.

00:31:53Marc:In terms of making movies from comic books, they're going to run out of shit eventually.

00:31:59Guest:And they're going to make a big announcement.

00:32:03Guest:We're bringing back the Blondie movie.

00:32:06Marc:And stay tuned for Sad Sack, one, two, and three.

00:32:09Guest:We're bringing back the Hudson brothers.

00:32:13Marc:Exactly.

00:32:13Guest:Yes.

00:32:14Guest:And what I remember with the Bowery boys is they're supposed to be a gang of kids.

00:32:19Guest:Yeah.

00:32:20Guest:They're all 40.

00:32:20Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:32:21Guest:And they all have those alcoholic bags under their eyes.

00:32:26Guest:Yeah.

00:32:27Guest:And their voices are gruff.

00:32:30Marc:Who are your favorite guys?

00:32:32Marc:What sort of made you believe that, you know, stand-up was an option?

00:32:36Marc:I mean, what made you think that doing comedy was something you want to do?

00:32:39Marc:You must have seen something.

00:32:41Guest:I don't know.

00:32:42Guest:I don't remember.

00:32:43Guest:I can't narrow it down to any one person.

00:32:46Guest:I remember there were so many.

00:32:49Guest:There were even those comedians you don't remember.

00:32:51Marc:Oh, there was so many.

00:32:52Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:32:53Marc:I mean, I used to love Jackie Vernon.

00:32:54Marc:He was literally... Oh, yes, yes.

00:32:55Marc:He was like the guy that made me love comedy, was watching... With the slideshow.

00:32:59Guest:Yeah, yeah, with the clicker.

00:33:00Marc:That was the whole thing.

00:33:01Marc:You know, it was the...

00:33:02Guest:Here are some slides from my vacation.

00:33:05Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:07Guest:Here's Manuel leading us around the quicksand.

00:33:12Guest:Here we are from the waist up.

00:33:15Guest:Here are just some hats and ropes and things.

00:33:20Marc:Hats and ropes and things.

00:33:23Marc:How could you argue with that?

00:33:24Guest:One time, a couple of times on stage, this just shows when I'm really trying to appeal to my audience.

00:33:33Guest:Years after he was dead, I would do Jackie Vernon imitations, and I would do a scene from Mice and Men or Who's on First Base with

00:33:45Guest:Jackie Vernon before he had his teeth capped and Jackie Vernon after he had his... Because I remember, I actually...

00:33:56Guest:I remember very clearly.

00:33:58Marc:You're such a crowd pleaser.

00:34:01Guest:Jackie Vernon.

00:34:02Guest:He was a sad, sad comic.

00:34:04Guest:Right.

00:34:05Guest:And then he had the really bad caps, those early caps done, where it looked like he had big buck teeth.

00:34:12Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:12Guest:And he always looked like he had some goofy smile on his face.

00:34:16Marc:Right, right.

00:34:16Marc:It's hilarious that you remember that.

00:34:18Marc:Which killed it.

00:34:19Marc:Yes.

00:34:19Marc:And you actually had two voices for each?

00:34:21Guest:Oh, same exact voice.

00:34:23Guest:Oh, okay.

00:34:23Guest:But it used to be, and you at home watching, you at home listening will just have to imagine I'm making two faces right now.

00:34:33Guest:And it used to be like, what's the guy's name on first base?

00:34:39Guest:What's the guy's name on second base?

00:34:43Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:45Marc:But you liked him, right?

00:34:46Marc:You thought he was funny.

00:34:47Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:34:48Guest:And, oh, I remember...

00:34:51Guest:Oh, I always forget their names.

00:34:54Guest:I forget everything now.

00:34:56Marc:I do, too.

00:34:57Guest:Yeah.

00:34:58Guest:What were those two singers where one was French?

00:35:05Marc:Oh, God, I don't know.

00:35:05Guest:And the other was American.

00:35:07Guest:Oh, I forget.

00:35:09Marc:Was it comedy routine?

00:35:10Guest:No, no.

00:35:10Guest:They were like old.

00:35:12Guest:They was the type of act that could have only lived back then during the Ed Sullivan show.

00:35:19Guest:Sandler and Young.

00:35:21Marc:Okay.

00:35:21Marc:You got it.

00:35:22Guest:I'm excited about it.

00:35:24Marc:I can guarantee you're the only guy on the planet right now.

00:35:28Marc:That is having a Sandler and Young moment.

00:35:30Guest:Sandler and Young's offspring.

00:35:32Marc:Don't know who the hell I'm talking about.

00:35:34Marc:They heard their parents did something.

00:35:35Guest:But they would do a thing.

00:35:37Guest:One would sing in English, the other in French.

00:35:41Guest:And I remember he'd go, you know, when the saints come marching in.

00:35:46Guest:Oh, I want to be in that number.

00:35:57Guest:And that could exist.

00:36:01Guest:Only in the 70s.

00:36:03Marc:And earlier, because I was watching, I had it on my desk the other day.

00:36:07Marc:I ordered the Dean Martin Variety Show, Best of Dean Martin Variety Show.

00:36:12Marc:It was fucking great, though.

00:36:13Guest:Yeah.

00:36:13Marc:I mean, like, you know, it's really easy to forget just how amazing he was.

00:36:18Marc:I mean, he was hilarious.

00:36:19Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:36:19Marc:These are grown men in their 50s dancing around, doing jokes and making faces.

00:36:24Marc:That would be unheard of because people are too vain now, you know?

00:36:27Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:36:28Marc:And there was no there was a vanity, but it was completely acceptable for men in tuxedos to.

00:36:34Guest:Yes, and you came out in the tuxedo and egotism was very charming.

00:36:41Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:41Guest:When you saw Gleason on his variety show with the drink and cigarette and thinking, I'm great and you should be happy to watch me.

00:36:50Guest:It was the most charming thing.

00:36:52Marc:But I think they were great.

00:36:53Marc:great weren't yes yes i mean i don't see the depth of personality like that anymore and like dean was the greatest straight guy for all these guys you know like you watch all those old comics and it's so moving to me that uh i don't know what i'm not sure exactly what's changed but it seemed like when there was less guys doing it or at least there was three tv networks there was an intimacy to the whole thing you got the feeling that everyone knew each other they were having a good time yes

00:37:17Marc:And it was a type of entertainment.

00:37:21Marc:It made me want to... I had a moment where I'm like, well, maybe I should sing and dance a little.

00:37:26Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:37:27Marc:I could be a song and dance guy.

00:37:28Marc:I've never done that.

00:37:29Guest:And back then, everybody did everything.

00:37:33Marc:Yeah, they danced.

00:37:33Marc:Yeah.

00:37:34Guest:And it wasn't unusual for you to be surprised by juggling for somebody you didn't... Yeah, every comic broke out in a song and did a dance.

00:37:41Marc:And it was okay.

00:37:42Guest:And then it was like...

00:37:45Guest:Oh, you know what's funny too, and this has certainly changed.

00:37:49Guest:Like Don Rickles got in trouble recently.

00:37:55Marc:Who would fucking bother that guy?

00:38:00Marc:Let him say what he wants.

00:38:01Marc:For what?

00:38:03Guest:He, Don Rickles was at the thing honoring Shirley MacLaine.

00:38:08Guest:Yeah.

00:38:09Guest:And he said something like, well, I don't want to say anything bad about blacks.

00:38:15Guest:You know, President Obama is a good friend of mine.

00:38:18Guest:He came over the house last week, but then his mop broke.

00:38:23Guest:And that's the kind of jokes he's been doing for years.

00:38:26Guest:Yeah.

00:38:26Guest:And now all of a sudden.

00:38:27Guest:Yeah.

00:38:28Guest:Well, this is the time of outrage.

00:38:30Guest:Yeah.

00:38:31Marc:Yeah, well, I think that, I guess because it's the president, you know, it's weird because I believe, you know, you can do whatever the hell you want.

00:38:40Marc:But, you know, you have to have some sense that if you're going to get flack for it, you just got to own the flack.

00:38:46Marc:What are you going to do?

00:38:47Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:38:47Marc:And, like, you know, the stuff that you got in trouble for, it was just ridiculous in my mind, especially the 9-11 joke.

00:38:52Marc:I mean, you know, that was, you know, but you look at it, it's like it's a great joke.

00:38:56Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:38:57Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:38:58Marc:I don't know why they expect us to be so emotionally empathetic to things.

00:39:03Marc:That's not what we do.

00:39:04Marc:We're selfish, angry animals that want to make fun of things so we feel better.

00:39:08Marc:And sometimes our timing isn't great.

00:39:13Marc:What do you want from us?

00:39:14Guest:And I remember with the whole tsunami thing, I actually became a much bigger story than the actual tsunami.

00:39:22Guest:I mean, that was like secondary.

00:39:23Marc:Yeah, the only thing that lost was the duck.

00:39:26Guest:Oh, yes.

00:39:26Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:39:28Guest:And then, of course, Affleck then hires someone to imitate me and they pay him less money, thus bringing closure to a horrible tragedy.

00:39:40Marc:The weird thing is, do the people really get upset if they don't make news out of it?

00:39:46Marc:I mean, most people are sort of like, you know, all right, you know, a week later, that's a shitty thing to say.

00:39:50Marc:It's fucking Don Rickles.

00:39:52Marc:It's Gilbert Gottfried.

00:39:53Marc:But as soon as the parasites who have nothing better to do or no better news to cover because there's too much fucking shit on TV, they're like, let's take this guy down.

00:40:02Marc:They don't even think about that.

00:40:03Marc:They're just stalking.

00:40:04Marc:You know, they're creating controversy where it's not necessary because most people are like, whatever.

00:40:08Guest:Yeah, whatever.

00:40:09Guest:Right.

00:40:09Guest:it's like and even on shows where they were putting me down and like horrified by it like sometimes I'd have like the producer or something sneak over to me quietly and go I laughed at some of those jokes don't let anyone find out yeah but the next sentence is but I can't watch your back on this one

00:40:31Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:40:32Guest:Exactly.

00:40:34Marc:I think you're very funny, but we can't have you back.

00:40:36Guest:If the Nazis come, I'm telling them right where you live.

00:40:41Marc:You're at the Frank House in the attic.

00:40:42Guest:I remember the first thing that they did when that happened was they wouldn't say Gilbert Gottfried's jokes.

00:40:51Guest:They would say Gilbert Gottfried's comments and remarks.

00:40:55Guest:Because if you say jokes, everyone goes, what the fuck?

00:40:58Guest:Are we doing a news story about a guy making jokes?

00:41:02Marc:Comments and remarks.

00:41:03Marc:The important political pundit Gilbert Gottfried today came up with some very interesting ideas about the world.

00:41:11Guest:Yeah, and then I would wind up being on these shows or being questioned, and as I'm making an explanation, in my mind I'm thinking,

00:41:20Guest:What the fuck is this?

00:41:21Guest:This is a story about a comedian making jokes?

00:41:25Guest:One joke.

00:41:26Marc:Yes.

00:41:26Marc:One joke.

00:41:26Marc:And these are singular moments.

00:41:28Marc:These are one-liners.

00:41:30Marc:These are fucking passing moments.

00:41:33Marc:That moment, like, you know, at the, where was it?

00:41:35Marc:The Friars Club where you did the 9-11 joke?

00:41:37Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:41:37Marc:That would have gone away.

00:41:39Marc:You would have got, you're like, oh.

00:41:41Marc:And then you would move on to the next joke or whatever you did, the aristocrat's joke.

00:41:44Marc:And then that would have been forgotten.

00:41:45Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:41:45Marc:But some asshole in the room is like, oh, that's a story, huh?

00:41:48Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:41:49Yeah.

00:41:49Marc:idiots and every well everything now nowadays everything is outrage and if they have to get a lynch mob together yeah because they don't make a separation they seem that all these idiots were talking shit you know it's all the same it's the same stream of consciousness they don't you know they don't separate jokes from this or that and they just they try to cause trouble they just try to cause trouble and it drives me nuts I mean it hasn't happened to me I'm not you know big I don't have a big enough stature in the world

00:42:18Marc:But I mean, offensive jokes, like I was watching Rickles.

00:42:22Marc:Now, you know, the thing is, is that if you don't understand the context of Rickles, which I imagine a lot of people don't, which was like his big thing was, you know, he at the end of his show, he'd sing a song about how I'm a nice guy.

00:42:33Guest:Right.

00:42:37Guest:Right.

00:42:37Marc:So, like, if he's just going to say the president, you know, forgot his mop or his mop broke, you know, without taking a shot at a Mexican, a Jew, you know, an Italian guy, then he's just a guy saying that the president is a black guy that works as a janitor.

00:42:50Guest:And Rickles always, like, for the beginning of his career, and now he's like a thousand, it's always like, and the Chinese guy in the third row.

00:43:00Marc:Yeah, right.

00:43:01Marc:Is there a Chinese guy in the third row?

00:43:03Marc:No, no.

00:43:03Marc:I don't think a Chinese guy's ever gone to his show.

00:43:05Guest:Yeah, I think...

00:43:06Guest:In China, they fly in for a Todd Rickles.

00:43:10Guest:Him and Buddy Hackett, they fly in.

00:43:12Marc:I loved Buddy Hackett.

00:43:13Guest:Oh, yes.

00:43:14Marc:I mean, those guys were so good.

00:43:16Marc:But the one I was watching is this weird episode of the Dean Martin Variety Show where they set up, like, Dean set up the thing by saying, you know, there was a night at a club in Vegas where all these celebrities were there.

00:43:28Marc:It was probably one of the lounges, and Rickles was on just shitting on all these celebrities.

00:43:32Marc:So Dean got all these celebrities...

00:43:34Marc:into the studio and built the stand-up stage for him to recapture it.

00:43:39Marc:And it's just Rickles.

00:43:40Marc:Maybe I'll show it to you after.

00:43:41Marc:You've never seen that?

00:43:42Guest:No, I don't think so.

00:43:43Marc:It's fucking spectacular.

00:43:44Marc:Because the one thing that I love about Rickles is that when he was in it, there was a fury.

00:43:49Guest:Oh, yes, yes.

00:43:50Marc:I mean, like, you know, now, like, he's older, whatever, but when he was really in it, and, like, he wrote a line where he... Some of the shit he said was hurtful and horrible, but it was so fucking good, you know?

00:44:01Marc:And he had this look in his eye, I'm like, that guy is on fire inside.

00:44:05Guest:And now it's not allowed.

00:44:07Guest:It's like Rickles, who's...

00:44:09Marc:been in the business all this time now he can't say an insult joke well the weird thing is is that and i've talked about this before is that you know they're you know stereotypes are stereotypes because some of them hold true and if it's not mean spirited usually the people that are going to get the biggest laugh out of it are the people you're stereotyping because they can identify with it but it's all of a sudden it's not okay if you're not one of them to make the comment

00:44:34Guest:Oh, well, I remember I was watching they did a TV movie with, like, actors as the Rat Pack.

00:44:43Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:44:43Guest:With Don Cheadle as Sammy Davis.

00:44:46Marc:I don't know why bio movies even exist.

00:44:48Marc:Because every fucking bio movie, all you're going to do is, like, doesn't look like him.

00:44:52Marc:No, no.

00:44:53Marc:It doesn't look like him.

00:44:53Guest:But I remember in that, they have to make it in this time period.

00:45:00Marc:So they have to be appropriate to the political correctness.

00:45:04Guest:Yeah.

00:45:04Guest:So they were always doing jokes about Sammy Davis being black and having one eye.

00:45:11Guest:And they pick him up and go, I'd like to thank the NAACP for this award.

00:45:16Guest:Yeah.

00:45:16Guest:And doing stuff.

00:45:17Guest:And it was funny and everybody.

00:45:20Guest:And in this movie, when they would do one of the black jokes, there'd be a close up of Don Cheadle as Sammy Davis with like tears in his eyes and tremendous hurt.

00:45:31Guest:And it's like, please, if he was like that much of a sensitive asshole, he would have been out of the rat pack in a second.

00:45:39Marc:Yeah, they wouldn't have tolerated it.

00:45:40Yeah.

00:45:41Marc:Man up.

00:45:42Marc:Come on, Sammy.

00:45:44Marc:Take the hit.

00:45:44Marc:It's hilarious.

00:45:48Marc:Are you familiar with Shecky Green?

00:45:51Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:45:52Marc:Do you know him?

00:45:53Guest:I've met him a couple of times.

00:45:55Guest:The miraculous thing about Shecky Green is right now no one knows who he is.

00:46:02Guest:No one remembers him.

00:46:03Guest:But the name Shecky is synonymous with common.

00:46:07Marc:Yeah.

00:46:07Marc:It's interesting because I would like, he's one of those guys where apparently there's really no footage of him doing what he was known for.

00:46:15Marc:Like, you know, when Vegas started moving shows to the lounges, you know, and it became a thing, he was like the first guy to do that.

00:46:22Marc:So in some ways, when that happened, when they, you know, they had the showrooms, but then apparently the way it happened from what I understand is that, you know, something was under construction.

00:46:31Marc:They would set, you know, they'd have a comic go in the bar and these guys were doing shows on tables.

00:46:36Guest:Oh yeah.

00:46:36Guest:Yeah.

00:46:36Marc:Yeah.

00:46:37Marc:And that was, if you think about it, that was really the birth of the comedy club.

00:46:41Guest:Oh yeah.

00:46:41Marc:Yeah.

00:46:42Marc:That's when it moved from this main stage thing to this like intimate thing.

00:46:46Marc:And apparently he was the greatest.

00:46:48Guest:Yeah.

00:46:49Marc:And now like no one knows who, and that bothers me.

00:46:51Guest:And I, one of the saddest stories I remember is when I first started to get known, like Beverly Hills Cop and a few other things were all hitting.

00:47:02Guest:And I was going to some event and Shecky was there with some manager type, some sleazy showbiz type.

00:47:10Guest:And he goes, oh, you know, Gilbert Gottfried, the manager guy goes, and he goes, how you doing?

00:47:16Guest:And I did some, just brushed it off.

00:47:18Guest:I said, ah, yeah, my career's over.

00:47:20Guest:And he goes, oh, what are you kidding?

00:47:23Guest:You've got the career that Shecky always wanted, which was really like such a nice thing to say when Shecky's standing there.

00:47:33Guest:And Shecky looks, he just kind of shakes his head and he goes,

00:47:38Guest:Yeah.

00:47:39Guest:A few years ago, I came out to LA.

00:47:41Guest:I had a movie deal, TV, a development deal, nothing.

00:47:47Guest:Yeah.

00:47:48Guest:And it was like, oh, God.

00:47:51Guest:Nice to meet you.

00:47:52Guest:Yeah.

00:47:53Guest:Give me a bridge to leap off.

00:47:56Marc:Did you know Buddy Hackett?

00:47:58Guest:I met him a couple of times.

00:48:00Guest:I wish I would have known him more.

00:48:01Marc:Do you have any friends?

00:48:03Marc:No.

00:48:05No.

00:48:05Guest:What I realize is there are people I've worked with for years and I know them as well as I know someone I waited for an elevator with.

00:48:23Marc:Well, that's it.

00:48:23Marc:Well, that's I mean comics.

00:48:24Marc:It's sort of like that unless you sit like I like guys that come through here I've done nearly almost 300 of these things who I've met for five minutes But when you're in the same business and you see him on stage and stuff you you there's a there's a closeness to it But you don't ever sit down just talk to him.

00:48:38Marc:No, it's it's an odd thing I like what when you were coming up though.

00:48:42Marc:I don't remember you were sort of a Mysterious dude.

00:48:45Guest:Oh, yeah

00:48:46Marc:Now I'm like Art Linkletter.

00:48:51Marc:Yeah, you're like one of the guys.

00:48:53Marc:But no, I remember it's like, I don't know anything.

00:48:55Marc:You ask people like, what does Gilbert Gottfried do?

00:48:57Marc:What does his wife look like?

00:49:00Marc:And I think it was like, he lived with his mom.

00:49:03Marc:Is that true?

00:49:03Guest:Yeah, that was years ago.

00:49:05Guest:Yeah, I lived with my mother for a long time.

00:49:07Marc:and like what does he do right yeah he's just and it was just like weird does he live in the sewer yeah yeah like where does that guy come from he just lived with his mom it was but as as as as an origin story or a mythology like you living with your mother and just leaving and being this lunatic on stage and going back to this strange you know baits like relationship

00:49:31Marc:But you did live with it for a long time.

00:49:33Guest:Yeah.

00:49:34Guest:And here's something weird I always think of.

00:49:38Guest:When you think of all the years that you do comedy in all the clubs, and there are these people that I saw night after night after night, and I talked to them and whatever, and now I don't remember their names or what they look like.

00:49:57Marc:Are they just gone, you mean?

00:49:58Guest:Yeah, yeah, they're just gone.

00:49:59Marc:See, I find that to be, like, you know, I seem to be one of the only people that feels this way.

00:50:05Marc:Like, because I've been doing comedy a long time, and, you know, I'm a little bit of a different generation than you, and I never had huge comedic success.

00:50:12Marc:You know, I do good now.

00:50:14Marc:I'm around.

00:50:15Guest:I grew up on talking pictures.

00:50:17Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:50:18Marc:But when I see guys that I haven't seen in 10 years, there's that moment where I'm like, oh, thank God.

00:50:23Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:50:23Marc:What have you been doing?

00:50:25Marc:I get very heartbroken when even some dude who I met twice, but I knew was the real deal, out in the road, doing whatever, and they pass away or whatever.

00:50:33Marc:To me, it's just devastating that so many of us can just die in anonymity.

00:50:38Marc:Yes.

00:50:38Marc:It just kills me.

00:50:40Marc:I think that's what drives my desire to keep talking on a microphone is just to somehow guarantee that when I do die, it's not even a... Someone will notice.

00:50:50Marc:Right, right, right.

00:50:50Marc:It's not like, Mark who?

00:50:52Marc:I remember that guy.

00:50:53Marc:He's the guy that did that thing.

00:50:54Guest:And you have to pray that you don't die on the weekend.

00:50:57Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:50:58Guest:Because on the weekend, you'll get no press.

00:51:01Guest:That's the other thing.

00:51:03Guest:And you have to pray that you're not going to die when somebody bigger is dying.

00:51:07Marc:Well, yeah, but also you think about comedy, it's like there's some great guys, and they've always done great work, but comedy is so, you know, it's culturally relevant for a short period of time.

00:51:16Marc:There's only, like, 10, 20 guys that anyone gives a shit about in the history of comedy.

00:51:20Marc:You know, like, I know plenty of great comics.

00:51:22Marc:You mentioned, like, great comics, and people are like, no, no, no.

00:51:25Marc:There's, like, somehow it's chosen that there are 20 guys that everybody knows, and that's it.

00:51:29Marc:You know, I mean, there's very few people running around going, pig meat, mark them.

00:51:33Guest:Oh, ha, ha, ha.

00:51:35Guest:Yeah, here comes the judge, changed my life.

00:51:40Marc:Or Shecky Green or any example.

00:51:42Marc:And it's sort of heartbreaking, but it's what we do.

00:51:43Guest:And it's like these people like Jackie Vernon, had he died when the Sullivan show was still on the air, then it would have made the papers.

00:51:53Marc:Right.

00:51:54Guest:Then he died like afterwards and it was like, oh.

00:51:57Marc:That guy.

00:51:58Marc:Yeah, no one remembers, you know, because comedy is so specific to the time it happens that there's, like I said, there's only a handful of guys that have careers.

00:52:05Marc:You're one of them.

00:52:06Marc:That sort of spans decades.

00:52:07Marc:I mean, it's a rare thing.

00:52:09Guest:And what gets me, what makes me think of those people who have fallen off the face of the earth, who never got a shot at anything.

00:52:18Yeah.

00:52:18Guest:is that whenever I feel depressed about my career, which is 24 hours a day, but I always think, oh, shit, there are those people.

00:52:30Guest:Where the fuck are they?

00:52:32Marc:I know, because when I think about a couple years ago when I was starting this show, and I was like, I got nothing.

00:52:38Marc:My manager said, I don't know what we're going to do.

00:52:41Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:52:42Yeah.

00:52:44Marc:That's the worst thing you could hear.

00:52:46Marc:I can't do anything with you.

00:52:48Marc:And there's that moment where you're like, well, I guess I got to quit.

00:52:51Marc:And then you're like, what does that even mean?

00:52:53Marc:What am I fucking prepared to do?

00:52:55Marc:What am I going to do?

00:52:56Guest:Oh!

00:52:57Marc:Yeah, but some dudes, I mean, to me, it's harder to...

00:53:00Marc:Like some guys, I imagine they get out of the racket and they get into another game and they might be happy.

00:53:05Marc:They're probably happier than they ever were.

00:53:07Marc:Guys who did comedy 15, 20 years, they're like, fuck it, I'm going to sell cars.

00:53:10Marc:Whatever the fuck it is, I'm going to get into another business.

00:53:12Marc:And they've probably been happier.

00:53:13Marc:But in my mind, I could not live with the possibility of a moment where I'm saying, like, get in it.

00:53:19Marc:Take your first test run.

00:53:21Marc:I know you.

00:53:21Marc:How do I know you?

00:53:24Marc:I did some comedy.

00:53:24Marc:That's right.

00:53:25Marc:You did comedy.

00:53:26Marc:Yeah, this guy gets great gas mileage.

00:53:30Marc:I saw you on television.

00:53:32Marc:Shut up.

00:53:33Marc:Just drive the car.

00:53:34Marc:You want to buy the car?

00:53:35Marc:I couldn't live with that.

00:53:37Guest:It's just like there was a comic that used to be around the clubs on open mic night every single night for years.

00:53:47Guest:I ran into him years later, and he recognized me.

00:53:52Guest:I didn't remember him anymore.

00:53:55Guest:And I said, oh, so what have you been up to?

00:53:57Guest:And he joined the sanitation department.

00:54:02Guest:So when I first heard that, I thought, oh, God, is this depressing.

00:54:06Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:54:07Guest:And he was happy.

00:54:08Guest:He said, I was in the sanitation department for a while.

00:54:12Guest:Now I left it.

00:54:14Guest:I have a pension.

00:54:15Guest:I've got a health plan with benefits.

00:54:19Guest:And he was thrilled.

00:54:20Marc:Yeah.

00:54:20Marc:It was the best thing to get rid of the curse.

00:54:22Guest:And I thought, oh, here I am feeling sorry for him that he's not taking the car out to do giggles in Illinois.

00:54:32Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:54:33Marc:We have a sort of twisted perception of it.

00:54:36Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:54:37Marc:Like living a normal life, maybe being a responsible father.

00:54:40Marc:Oh, yes, yeah.

00:54:41Marc:You're not hanging your dreams on this ridiculous idea that maybe you'll be relevant for six months.

00:54:47Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:54:49Marc:What an asshole that guy is.

00:54:54Guest:Like he's not thrilled with himself because he goes, hey, I have a car so they hire me because I could drive the other cars too.

00:55:01Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:03Marc:Well, it's not really a comedy club.

00:55:06Marc:It's a room in a bowling alley, but it's a bar.

00:55:08Marc:It's a bar.

00:55:10Marc:Yeah.

00:55:11Marc:But you've done, but it's weird.

00:55:12Marc:Like, you know, I was looking at your stuff.

00:55:13Marc:I mean, you have done like shit loads of stuff.

00:55:17Marc:I mean, the voiceover thing in between the movie parts and the TV.

00:55:20Marc:I mean, you've never stopped working really.

00:55:22Guest:Oh yeah.

00:55:23Marc:Is that true?

00:55:23Marc:Yeah.

00:55:24Guest:Temporarily I stopped working.

00:55:26Guest:If there's a tsunami, the tsunami hurt me more than it hurt anyone in Japan.

00:55:33Marc:Yeah, that's it.

00:55:36Guest:Nobody in Japan lost a job.

00:55:40Marc:And of course, the only victim of the tsunami was Gilbert Gottfried.

00:55:50Marc:You just lost your job as a duck again.

00:55:52Guest:Oh, yes.

00:55:54Guest:Yeah, they rehired me and fired me just for that joke.

00:55:58Marc:Just now, just now.

00:56:00Marc:You're almost a duck again, and now that's over.

00:56:02Guest:Whenever I was doing these, when I'd go on shows, because it was right when my book came out, so all I wanted to talk about was the tsunami.

00:56:10Guest:This new book?

00:56:11Guest:Yes, yes.

00:56:12Marc:Really still?

00:56:13Marc:I mean, you've got this new book that's like, what is it, like four years ago?

00:56:16Marc:Yeah.

00:56:16Marc:How long ago was it?

00:56:17Guest:No, that book came out right at the same time.

00:56:20Marc:Oh.

00:56:21Guest:And I remember I would go on these shows and they talk for two, three seconds and then go, but of course there's an elephant in the room we have to talk about.

00:56:34Marc:Not really.

00:56:35Marc:Not really.

00:56:36Marc:There's one joke that was taken the wrong way.

00:56:38Marc:Let's move past.

00:56:40Marc:But yeah, I mean, what was the other thing that you... Oh, that was even on Twitter, right?

00:56:46Guest:It wasn't even... Oh, yeah, on my Twitter account.

00:56:48Marc:It wasn't even something you said publicly.

00:56:50Marc:You put it on Twitter, and these fucking parasites are like, oh, shit.

00:56:54Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:56:55Marc:Oh, God, taking the task for a joke that was on a Twitter.

00:56:59Marc:I don't know.

00:56:59Marc:You can't do anything anymore.

00:57:01Guest:Oh, it's insane now.

00:57:03Marc:I'm on Twitter and you've got to be careful.

00:57:05Marc:I better temper this a little bit because it's going to become viral and it's going to be a problem.

00:57:11Guest:And also like now the entire world has an opinion.

00:57:17Guest:It's like it used to be

00:57:19Guest:First of all, there were the stars, like years ago, like Milton Berle or like Humphrey Bogart.

00:57:28Guest:You didn't go like, well, you know, I tweeted Humphrey Bogart and told him Casablanca was a piece of shit.

00:57:36Guest:They were a separate universe.

00:57:40Marc:Yeah.

00:57:41Marc:Well, that's what someone I was talking to, Chuck Klausterman, he's the writer.

00:57:45Marc:It was interesting.

00:57:45Marc:He said that there was a time where, you know, you'd be maybe in the back of a club after a show or even at a record store where some guy, you go hanging out at the record store and some guy's standing there at the counter with the guy behind the countering you and he goes, Jimmy Page sucks.

00:57:57Marc:He's a horrible guitar player.

00:57:58Marc:Yeah.

00:57:58Marc:And then, you know, you would say, like, I don't know.

00:58:00Marc:I think he's pretty good at that, you know.

00:58:02Marc:And then that'd be it.

00:58:03Marc:They'd go into the atmosphere.

00:58:04Marc:But now, like, that guy can put it on Twitter and Jimmy Page could respond to it.

00:58:07Guest:Yes, yes.

00:58:09Marc:And I don't know what that's a testament to.

00:58:12Marc:I mean, I think we're all a little too accessible, but we seem to invite it.

00:58:15Marc:But there's also that it's one thing.

00:58:18Marc:To censor yourself because you're like, yeah, I don't think maybe that's right for me to say that.

00:58:22Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:58:22Marc:But now you got to be like, I don't know if it's right because God knows what will happen if I put that into the world and it's misunderstood.

00:58:29Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:58:30Marc:And that's stifling.

00:58:31Guest:Well, I remember, well, like with the Michael Richards thing.

00:58:36Yeah.

00:58:37Guest:In there, number one, first thing I thought of is like... You know him?

00:58:43Guest:Years ago, I remember him in clubs on and off.

00:58:47Guest:I don't know if anyone knows him.

00:58:48Guest:He's also kind of odd.

00:58:50Guest:Yeah.

00:58:51Guest:But I remember there, that was a thing where... And I love how they... Oh, see, this is what I love about the media.

00:59:01Yeah.

00:59:01Guest:They, you know, like my jokes, when I get in trouble with my jokes, they say it on the air or broadcast it, but preface it with we're shocked and offended.

00:59:13Guest:Yeah.

00:59:13Guest:So that makes it okay.

00:59:16Guest:Yeah.

00:59:16Guest:And they were playing like Michael Richard stuff.

00:59:19Marc:and you know years ago if michael richard said that in a club like the next day the comics would be joking about it right right right and then that would be the end of it well see that was the beautiful thing i was talking to a writer in uh what the hell was it some one of these uh onion av writers i was just talking to him in chicago that there was a time where you know before the cell phones before all this like you know something would happen in a club and you saw it a lot more often back when you i'm sure when you were starting even when i was starting like

00:59:45Marc:Like, holy shit, that guy's snapping.

00:59:47Marc:He's losing his fucking mind.

00:59:49Marc:And you would see these moments on stage where the audience would be like, what the fuck is going on?

00:59:53Marc:And the comics would be like, yeah.

00:59:55Marc:But it would never happen again.

00:59:56Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:59:57Marc:And then you'd just have a story.

00:59:58Marc:But now some idiot's got it on his phone.

01:00:00Marc:They tweet about it.

01:00:01Marc:It's out.

01:00:02Marc:You don't even feel comfortable taking certain chances or losing your mind.

01:00:07Marc:Less guys are losing their mind on stage, which I regret.

01:00:10Marc:I loved it when there was a time where it's like you knew certain guys.

01:00:13Marc:You were probably one of them.

01:00:14Marc:Oh, yeah.

01:00:15Marc:Where you'd go up and people be like, I don't know what the fuck's going to happen, but we better be in the room.

01:00:20Guest:Oh, and here's the best part about the Michael Richard story is he used, and I hate these terms that they use now, the N word, the C word.

01:00:32Guest:And it's like, oh, what word is that?

01:00:35Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:35Marc:You're a better man for saying it that way.

01:00:37Guest:Yeah.

01:00:38Guest:And it's like, so when you say it, the other person has the word out loud in his mind.

01:00:43Guest:So how is it?

01:00:44Marc:Yeah, yeah.

01:00:45Guest:But so the owner of that club that Michael Richards was at... Jamie Masada.

01:00:51Marc:Yeah.

01:00:51Guest:He said, from now on, anyone who uses the N-word in my club will get fined for it.

01:00:59Guest:And I thought, how about...

01:01:01Guest:Going and saying, at my club, we don't censor anything.

01:01:06Guest:It might be shocking and offensive.

01:01:08Guest:It might get you angry.

01:01:10Marc:That's comedy.

01:01:10Guest:Yeah.

01:01:11Guest:And we don't stop anyone.

01:01:13Guest:That'll get people in your club.

01:01:15Guest:Not saying, oh, I clean it up.

01:01:18Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:19Marc:He's not even going to let black people say it.

01:01:20Guest:Oh, yes.

01:01:25Marc:I think like four or five black comics went broke because of that law.

01:01:28Oh, yeah.

01:01:33Guest:Like Martin Lawrence is living out on the street now.

01:01:36Marc:Yeah, because of that.

01:01:37Marc:It's the only club he worked at.

01:01:41Marc:Yeah, I just think it's a little too sensitive.

01:01:44Marc:So in your recollection, because you know all these old guys, who are the guys you like watching the most?

01:01:50Marc:I know you're hanging around clubs.

01:01:53Marc:We all hang around clubs most of our lives.

01:01:55Marc:You must have liked watching somebody.

01:01:56Guest:I loved, well, oh, you mean when I was... Coming up.

01:02:01Guest:With... Hmm.

01:02:04Guest:See, that was a thing.

01:02:06Marc:Were you so involved in your own head at that time?

01:02:08Guest:Well, now I really can't watch comedy.

01:02:11Marc:Yeah.

01:02:11Guest:Because it's like, now forget it.

01:02:13Guest:Now I just stare at it and go, ah, that's clever, I guess.

01:02:17Guest:I don't know.

01:02:18Marc:Is this the same guy or is it another guy?

01:02:20Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:02:20Guest:Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:02:22Guest:Was the other guy black and female?

01:02:25Marc:If I close my eyes, it's all the same guy.

01:02:28Marc:Very few people with a real character, you know?

01:02:32Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:02:33Marc:And I think that's what's, if anything's changed, it's sad.

01:02:36Marc:Because you realize, like, you know, when people say, like, you know, you're funny, you should be a comedian.

01:02:42Marc:And there was always the defense of it, like, well, it's different.

01:02:44Marc:It's like, I'm not so sure anymore.

01:02:46Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:02:46Guest:Yeah.

01:02:47Marc:It seems that if you can tell a joke effectively, you can get up there and do it, you know?

01:02:53Marc:But there were not guys that you liked?

01:02:55Guest:Oh, yeah, there were some that I liked.

01:02:57Marc:Were you friends with Richard Lewis?

01:02:59Guest:Richard Lewis, I'd run it.

01:03:00Guest:Yeah, I was kind of friendly.

01:03:03Guest:I never hung out with him.

01:03:04Marc:Did you like watching him?

01:03:06Guest:Yeah, it was always kind of odd.

01:03:09Guest:Well, I like watching him because you knew he was like out of his mind.

01:03:13Guest:You were kind of expecting him to have a heart attack on stage.

01:03:20Marc:Do you remember Larry David from Cash?

01:03:22Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:03:23Guest:Larry David.

01:03:25Guest:What was good about him is he hated being on stage and would get into fights with people in the audience.

01:03:32Marc:Like immediately, right?

01:03:33Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:03:37Guest:And he would... You know, it was like...

01:03:40Guest:i yeah and sometimes i remember one time in particular he got into a fight with somebody on stage and the guy stood up and the guy was like a mountain yeah and it's like finally some people from the club jumped in yeah yeah yeah oh really yeah yeah did larry keep the stage did he stay up there yeah larry was up there but i don't think he knew what to do at that point

01:04:03Marc:That's a difficult point for a lanky Jewish guy, where you've crossed that line that you were actually trying to cross, and there may be repercussions.

01:04:14Marc:That's where the Jews say, could someone kick him out?

01:04:17Guest:Could someone take care of him?

01:04:20Marc:But how about Kaufman?

01:04:21Marc:I mean, was that something?

01:04:23Guest:Kaufman, I remember him one time going into the improv, and he just sang 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

01:04:33Guest:And at first you start laughing, and then you think, oh, okay, he's going to stop now.

01:04:38Guest:And then he kept going, and I was cracking up because the audience hated him.

01:04:43Marc:Did he do the whole song?

01:04:44Guest:He did the entire 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

01:04:48Yeah.

01:04:48Marc:People must have walked out and shit.

01:04:51Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:04:52Marc:Now, I talk about Saturday Night Live with people because I'm yet to really get any sort of, you know, most people are very reverent of their experience on that show, even if it was bad.

01:05:06Marc:Yeah.

01:05:06Marc:You know, they never blame Lorne.

01:05:09Marc:They never blame the show.

01:05:10Marc:And it's always very sort of like, oh, no, I learned a lot.

01:05:12Marc:And, you know, he's a great guy.

01:05:14Marc:What was your experience there?

01:05:15Guest:I was there right after the original cast left.

01:05:20Guest:And so back then, it was like, how dare they continue Saturday Night Live without the original cast of people?

01:05:30Guest:Right.

01:05:30Guest:Back then, it would be like if in the middle of Beatlemania, you just said, oh, well, the new Beatles are not John Paul, George, and Ringo.

01:05:40Guest:It's Harry, Artie, Phil.

01:05:43Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:44Guest:And so it was an outrage.

01:05:47Guest:Like, how dare they?

01:05:49Guest:And so even before we got on the air, they were already writing these articles.

01:05:54Guest:Who the hell are these people?

01:05:56Marc:And you were unknown at that time?

01:05:58Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:05:59Guest:And that was the best part, too.

01:06:02Guest:is how stupid these writers actually are because they were writing about us saying, we don't know who these people are.

01:06:10Guest:And they totally forgot no one knew who Belushi or Aykroyd were.

01:06:14Marc:Yeah.

01:06:15Guest:It's not like they were big film stars.

01:06:17Marc:Right, right, right, right.

01:06:18Marc:Yet.

01:06:18Marc:Yeah.

01:06:19Yeah.

01:06:19Guest:So when we got on the air, I mean, we did suck.

01:06:22Marc:Yeah.

01:06:23Guest:But it was like, it's funny.

01:06:25Guest:I always say, now to say the bad season of Saturday Night Live is like saying the issue of Playboy where the girl shows her tits.

01:06:33Guest:You know?

01:06:34Marc:Right.

01:06:35Guest:But back then, it was like everybody was gunning the show.

01:06:40Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:42Marc:And you didn't get on much, or what happened?

01:06:44Guest:Yeah.

01:06:45Guest:Well, at one point...

01:06:47Guest:The writers hated me so much.

01:06:51Guest:I don't know.

01:06:51Guest:No one got along.

01:06:53Guest:And in one sketch, it was a funeral scene, so I was in it as the dead body in the coffin.

01:07:01Marc:And that's when he knew it was over?

01:07:03Marc:Yeah, yeah.

01:07:03Marc:He's got no lines.

01:07:04Marc:Not only does he not have lines, he's dead.

01:07:06Guest:Yeah.

01:07:07Guest:And also, it showed, too, when...

01:07:10Guest:Like there was one point that became the big news story.

01:07:16Guest:It's like at the end of one of the shows, we were doing a show where the running gag was, you know, back then it was who shot J.R.

01:07:25Guest:in Dallas.

01:07:26Guest:And so we were doing who shot C.R.

01:07:29Guest:for Jolly Rocket.

01:07:33Marc:Yeah.

01:07:33Marc:He was a guy in the show, right?

01:07:34Guest:Yeah.

01:07:35Marc:What happened to that guy?

01:07:36Guest:Oh, my God.

01:07:38Guest:Wow.

01:07:39Marc:Do you know?

01:07:40Marc:Actually, the funny thing is- Because he was like the guy that was supposed to be the big guy.

01:07:45Guest:Yeah.

01:07:45Guest:The funny thing is after we were all fired, a lot of people were saying, oh, he never worked again after that, but he did.

01:07:53Guest:He was constantly popping up in TV shows, movies, like he was in Dumb and Dumber.

01:07:59Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:00Guest:Dances with Wolves.

01:08:02Guest:He was on Moonlight.

01:08:03Marc:So he just had a career as an actor.

01:08:05Guest:Oh, very busy guy.

01:08:07Yeah.

01:08:07Guest:So who shot CR?

01:08:09Guest:Yeah.

01:08:09Guest:And then he wound up years later.

01:08:13Guest:And it wasn't too long after I... There was like the short-lived Jenny McCarthy shows.

01:08:18Guest:Right.

01:08:19Guest:As opposed to the really long 30-year... The sketch show, right?

01:08:23Marc:Yeah.

01:08:23Guest:And I went on it.

01:08:26Guest:It was like a sitcom.

01:08:28Guest:And oddly enough, I was cast as Charlie Rockett's brother.

01:08:33Guest:And so we got together and we were laughing.

01:08:35Guest:He seemed like he was full of life and everything.

01:08:39Guest:They moved to wherever, Connecticut or something, and he wound up killing himself.

01:08:44Marc:Oh, really?

01:08:44Guest:Yeah.

01:08:46Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:08:46Marc:What about Phil Rosato?

01:08:47Marc:Do you remember that guy?

01:08:48Guest:Oh, he was of a different season.

01:08:51Marc:Yeah.

01:08:51Guest:Whatever happened to him, I have no idea.

01:08:55Marc:But what was the bit you were doing that who shot CR thing?

01:08:58Guest:Oh, so he wound up...

01:09:01Guest:So at the end of the show, they go stretch.

01:09:04Guest:And I'm still, I'm showing you my head stretch.

01:09:08Guest:And he, so they said stretch.

01:09:11Guest:And he was there and he goes, well, I've never been shot before and I'd like to know who the fuck did it.

01:09:17Guest:And that became really shocking and an outrage to the station, much in the way I'm used to.

01:09:25Guest:People all of a sudden outrage.

01:09:27Guest:And what's interesting is the word fuck was said during the original season of the show, but that was doing better so nobody heard it.

01:09:37Marc:Sure, sure.

01:09:38Guest:Now, when there was a reason to hear it, oh, they said fuck.

01:09:44Guest:Oh, my God, we heard that.

01:09:46Marc:Who the hell does that really offend?

01:09:48Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:09:49Marc:I mean, I just don't understand it.

01:09:50Guest:Yeah, like people are running out in the street.

01:09:53Marc:Throwing their TV sets out.

01:09:54Marc:Yeah, yeah.

01:09:55Guest:Yeah, people are performing harikiri.

01:09:59Marc:Who the fuck are those people?

01:10:00Guest:And so they fired everybody.

01:10:03Marc:Over that?

01:10:03Guest:Yes.

01:10:04Guest:Yes.

01:10:05Guest:Oh, my God.

01:10:06Guest:But I always think we were that season of Saturday Night Live that was like when George Lazenby played James Bond.

01:10:16Guest:Yeah.

01:10:16Guest:It was right after Sean Connery left.

01:10:19Guest:There's this guy, George Lazenby, like, fuck him.

01:10:22Guest:How dare he?

01:10:24Guest:Only Sean Connery can play.

01:10:26Guest:Now it's like, I could be James.

01:10:28Marc:Someone's got to take the hit.

01:10:30Marc:There's going to be a fall guy in that thing.

01:10:32Guest:There has to be a sacrificial light.

01:10:35Marc:Right after.

01:10:36Guest:When Howard Stern left Terrestrial Radio,

01:10:42Guest:I always thought if I ran that station, when it was time to start the new show, I would have looked out in the street and went, hey, you, want to do a radio show?

01:10:52Guest:Because he's dead.

01:10:54Marc:No matter who it is.

01:10:56Marc:So now you seem well.

01:10:58Marc:You seem healthy.

01:11:01Marc:You seem good.

01:11:03Marc:You look well.

01:11:04Marc:You must be doing something right.

01:11:05Guest:Go ahead.

01:11:06Guest:Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can.

01:11:08Marc:Look what happened to Houdini.

01:11:11Marc:You're going to get in the tank?

01:11:12Marc:I don't know what happened.

01:11:14Marc:Some interviewer punched him in the stomach.

01:11:16Marc:He said he could take it.

01:11:18Marc:But where do you live?

01:11:18Marc:In the city still?

01:11:19Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:11:20Marc:Not in Brooklyn?

01:11:21Guest:No, no.

01:11:22Marc:You got a family?

01:11:23Guest:Oh, yes.

01:11:23Marc:You do?

01:11:24Guest:Yes, yes.

01:11:26Marc:I don't know.

01:11:27Marc:Do you have a kid?

01:11:27Marc:Yeah, the Gotti.

01:11:28Marc:You have a kid?

01:11:30Guest:Yeah, two.

01:11:31Guest:Both are black.

01:11:32Guest:Yeah, that's amazing.

01:11:34Marc:Do you see N-word at home?

01:11:37Guest:You mean Norwegian?

01:11:41Marc:You do have two kids.

01:11:42Guest:Oh, yes.

01:11:43Marc:That's amazing.

01:11:43Marc:How old are they?

01:11:45Guest:One's in his 50s.

01:11:47Marc:Wow.

01:11:47Marc:Yeah.

01:11:49Marc:You don't.

01:11:50Marc:You do.

01:11:50Marc:See, I don't even know if it's real.

01:11:51Marc:What is it?

01:11:52Marc:I'm trying to humanize you, Gilbert.

01:11:56Yes.

01:11:56Marc:I want people to listen to this and go.

01:11:58Guest:That's like a Dr. Frankenstein moment.

01:12:01Guest:We're going to humanize Gilbert Gottfried.

01:12:04Marc:He's not going to be the shouting monster that we all know.

01:12:08Marc:He's going to have a life and sensible shoes.

01:12:12Guest:which I've been known for, having very insensible shoes.

01:12:18Marc:You do have kids, though.

01:12:19Guest:Yes.

01:12:19Marc:Okay, and you get along with them.

01:12:21Guest:I guess.

01:12:23Guest:It depends on the day.

01:12:25Guest:All right.

01:12:26Guest:I still wake up like I'm in a Twilight Zone episode.

01:12:29Guest:Really?

01:12:30Guest:Yeah.

01:12:30Guest:Yeah, like I still kind of wake up and I feel like it's one of those Twilight Zone episodes where I go, where am I?

01:12:38Guest:Why, you're in the White House and it's 1803, Mr. President.

01:12:43Guest:And it's like, huh?

01:12:45Marc:I'm not prepared for this.

01:12:47Marc:Well, okay, so this book came out.

01:12:49Marc:This is going to be out on paperback now, right?

01:12:51Guest:Yes, it's out on paper, rubber balls and liquor.

01:12:54Marc:And it was great to talk to you.

01:12:55Marc:I really appreciate you coming by.

01:12:56Guest:And, oh, my website's GilbertGottfrey.com.

01:13:01Guest:My Twitter account, depending what country you're in, is at Real Gilbert.

01:13:08Guest:And also, you can hear me read Fifty Shades of Grey on Jess.com.

01:13:14Marc:What is that?

01:13:15Guest:Fifty Shades of Grey.

01:13:17Guest:This is what women masturbate to.

01:13:20Guest:Well, that and my act.

01:13:24Marc:I would love to know the women that masturbate to Gilbert Gottfried.

01:13:31Marc:With a box of cookies on a bed in their 60s going, this still works for me.

01:13:38Marc:Going back and forth from their fingers to cookies.

01:13:40Marc:Listening to you reading that book.

01:13:42Guest:He's almost as sexy as Jack Jones.

01:13:47Marc:Yeah, why the fuck don't I know what that book is?

01:13:49Guest:It's a known... Yeah, this is like... It became like a women's masturbatory book.

01:13:57Marc:Oh, that's hilarious.

01:13:58Marc:Whose idea was it to have you read it?

01:14:00Guest:I don't know.

01:14:00Guest:They called me.

01:14:01Guest:It was this suggest.com.

01:14:04Guest:And...

01:14:06Guest:When you read it, it's horrible.

01:14:09Guest:The reading is horrible.

01:14:11Guest:There's words like, and he inserted himself in my sex.

01:14:18Marc:I was like, huh?

01:14:19Marc:Can we get more specific with that?

01:14:21Guest:I mean, is pussy that difficult a word to come up with?

01:14:24Marc:You mean the P word?

01:14:25Guest:Yeah, I couldn't think of the P word.

01:14:28Guest:He's using the P word.

01:14:30Marc:You mean urine?

01:14:33Marc:Thanks, man.

01:14:34Marc:Good talking to you.

01:14:35Marc:okay that's our show people i thought it was a lovely conversation he's funny he's a sweet little jewish man can i call him that now a sweet little old jewish man that gilbert enjoyed it on uh thursday we got dave alvin from the blasters one of my favorites hardcore man singer songwriter dude the real deal

01:15:02Marc:Go to WTF Pod for all your WTF Pod needs.

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01:15:32Marc:Thank you again, people in Ferndale, Michigan.

01:15:34Marc:Had a great time out there on Saturday.

01:15:39Marc:So right now, as you're listening to this, I'm shooting the first episode of my IFC show.

01:15:46Marc:Now I'm sad because, you know, I want to call for Boomer.

01:15:51Marc:God damn it, man.

01:15:53Guest:Boomer, come home.

01:15:55Marc:God damn it.

01:15:58Marc:Got enough to fucking worry about.

01:16:01Marc:Maybe that wasn't the right tone.