Episode 301 - Bob Golub

Episode 301 • Released August 1, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the gates!

00:00:08Marc:Okay, let's do this.

00:00:09Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?

00:00:10Marc:What the fuck buddies?

00:00:11Marc:What the fuckineers?

00:00:12Marc:What the fucknicks?

00:00:13Marc:What the fuckaribians?

00:00:15Marc:What the fucka...

00:00:16Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:18Marc:Oh, I just stopped it.

00:00:19Marc:Like I just got caught in my throat.

00:00:22Marc:What the fuckalopes?

00:00:23Marc:What the fuck Asians?

00:00:25Marc:What the fuckables?

00:00:26Marc:What the fucker robots?

00:00:28Marc:I just threw in a couple extra ones there because a kid named Jacob.

00:00:31Marc:I don't know if he's a kid.

00:00:32Marc:Whatever.

00:00:33Marc:He sent me a whole bunch of them.

00:00:34Marc:So I went ahead and did it.

00:00:35Marc:How are you?

00:00:36Marc:This is Mark Maron.

00:00:37Marc:This is WTF.

00:00:39Marc:This is my show.

00:00:40Marc:I want to, first off, say that I couldn't be more moved and appreciative and grateful for all the feedback that I got after that 300th episode.

00:00:52Marc:I'm so glad you dug it.

00:00:53Marc:I'm so glad you've all hung in there through all this, and I'm happy that show came together the way it did.

00:01:00Marc:I couldn't have been happier with it.

00:01:01Marc:Some really nice emails, some letters, some very sincere kudos and congratulationses.

00:01:09Marc:Well, I certainly appreciate it.

00:01:11Marc:And let's let's begin the next 300 now.

00:01:14Marc:My guest today is Bob Golub.

00:01:17Marc:Now, a lot of you don't know who Bob Golub is.

00:01:20Marc:Bob Golub's got one of the greatest stories I've ever heard.

00:01:23Marc:One of the greatest stories I've ever heard in show business on today's show.

00:01:27Marc:Bob Golub is a comic.

00:01:30Marc:The Polish Madman.

00:01:31Marc:This guy's been a comic for as long as I can remember.

00:01:35Marc:And I've run into him here and there in New York.

00:01:37Marc:He's a guy that a lot of you might not know.

00:01:39Marc:But let me tell you something, man.

00:01:41Marc:I love talking to this guy.

00:01:43Marc:I really love talking to this guy.

00:01:45Marc:And I think you'll see why.

00:01:46Marc:He's an original.

00:01:48Marc:We'll get to Bob in a few.

00:01:49Marc:Just a few minutes.

00:01:51Marc:I was just in Montreal.

00:01:52Marc:I haven't talked to you since the Montreal Comedy Festival.

00:01:55Marc:And Montreal, I don't know if any of you can even imagine what the Montreal Comedy Festival is like.

00:02:01Marc:I'm not sure I can imagine it.

00:02:03Marc:Every time I get up there, I think it's going to be some sort of, hey, this is just going to be a good time.

00:02:08Marc:It is a massive comedy slash industry clusterfuck that always exhausts me within an hour of being there.

00:02:16Marc:Within an hour, everybody I've ever known in my life in comedy is there and everyone I've ever known in my life in the industry is there.

00:02:24Marc:And I got to be honest with you, I can only fuel so much charm.

00:02:28Marc:My ability to be charming started to break down.

00:02:32Marc:You're really after the first night, you know, you do your shows and then there's this massive party every night.

00:02:37Marc:Five hundred, six hundred people crammed into a lobby bar that is never staffed properly.

00:02:43Marc:There's literally two bartenders to handle six hundred people.

00:02:46Marc:This time the it seemed like the maid crew and the room service kitchen crew were all on strike in front of the hotel.

00:02:55Marc:So it added an extra bit of tension.

00:02:57Marc:These were the most pleasant strikers I've ever seen in my life.

00:02:59Marc:A lot of people were complaining, but I tell you, for a strike, they couldn't have picked a better weekend than to have a bunch of Hollywood people wondering why they couldn't order a sandwich at one in the morning in a city where you can't get anything decent to eat after 10 o'clock at night.

00:03:15Marc:But Montreal, I usually have a really good time.

00:03:18Marc:And I did have a good time.

00:03:20Marc:We had great shows up there.

00:03:21Marc:I did get annoyed with the French element.

00:03:26Marc:And I'm not talking in terms of the French people or the French Canadian people.

00:03:29Marc:I don't speak any fucking French.

00:03:31Marc:I just, I can't, I don't do it.

00:03:33Marc:I feel uncomfortable because I can't do it.

00:03:35Marc:And I do this weird, preemptive, loud, hello thing.

00:03:40Marc:to basically announce a lot of things.

00:03:42Marc:If someone says, can I help you?

00:03:44Marc:In French, I don't even know how to say that, but it just rolls right off their tongue because it's their language.

00:03:50Marc:If they say that to me in French, I immediately go, hi, hello, hello.

00:03:57Marc:And that is saying a lot.

00:03:58Marc:It's saying, I don't know your language.

00:04:00Marc:I'm a little bit embarrassed that I don't know your language.

00:04:03Marc:I'm also angry that I have to be put through this every time I want something in this city.

00:04:09Marc:But it's not your fault.

00:04:10Marc:It's really on me.

00:04:11Marc:And I don't speak any French.

00:04:14Marc:And I will say hello again.

00:04:16Marc:So you know that.

00:04:18Marc:But one thing I noticed about Montreal this time is that there is a type of drunk person up there.

00:04:24Marc:And I've seen drunks all over the world.

00:04:27Marc:I've seen drunks in China.

00:04:29Marc:I've seen drunks in Scotland, Australia, England, Ireland.

00:04:33Marc:I've seen drunks in at least 40 of the states in this country.

00:04:38Marc:And they all have a thing.

00:04:40Marc:But generally, they're just drunk.

00:04:42Marc:But there's something about the Montreal drunk situation.

00:04:45Marc:the the montreal stupid drunk if i could be so bold that i've never seen before it's it's not you see these dudes walking down the street in montreal and it and it's not that they're just drunk but their clothes are drunk and they have a drunk hat on i mean they're walking down the street with a hat turned sideways a tank top shants on high tops and and they got a mullet under the hat and some of them have two earrings and

00:05:10Marc:And it's just everything about them is just fucking drunk.

00:05:14Marc:And then they have a girlfriend to match exactly what I just described to you.

00:05:18Marc:It's spectacular.

00:05:19Marc:I'm not even being an asshole here.

00:05:21Marc:I'm not criticizing them.

00:05:23Marc:There's something about somebody who is so drunk to their core that it looks perfectly reasonable that everything about them should appear drunken as well.

00:05:32Marc:It was impressive.

00:05:33Marc:I think that there should be cultural pride and that, you know, as a species of drunk, the Montreal drunk ranks very high in my book as a spectacle to behold.

00:06:07Guest:What the fuck?

00:06:20WTM What the fuck?

00:06:22Marc:Bob Golub.

00:06:24Marc:Is that how you pronounce it?

00:06:25Marc:That's right.

00:06:25Marc:The Polish madman.

00:06:26Marc:That's what they call me now.

00:06:27Marc:Bob Golub.

00:06:27Marc:See, I was saying Golub because I think it's a Jew thing.

00:06:30Guest:The Jews.

00:06:32Guest:No bullshit.

00:06:33Guest:The Jews in New York.

00:06:34Guest:Yeah.

00:06:35Guest:Golub is a Polish and Jewish name.

00:06:37Guest:Yeah.

00:06:37Guest:I'm Polish in Croatian.

00:06:39Guest:Right.

00:06:39Guest:But in New York, they say Golub.

00:06:41Marc:Yeah.

00:06:42Guest:And then where I grew up in Pennsylvania, they say Golub.

00:06:46Marc:Now, was there a Croatian community in Pennsylvania?

00:06:49Guest:No.

00:06:49Guest:It's just an old name.

00:06:51Guest:Oh, no.

00:06:51Guest:It's a very ethnic area where I grew up.

00:06:53Guest:There's more bars and churches per capita where I grew up than anywhere in the country.

00:06:58Marc:So you're Catholic.

00:06:59Guest:I'm not Catholic.

00:07:00Marc:But you grew up Catholic?

00:07:01Guest:No.

00:07:01Guest:I'm not religious.

00:07:03Guest:What town in Pennsylvania?

00:07:05Marc:Sharon, Pennsylvania, right by Youngstown, Ohio.

00:07:07Marc:See, I always think that there's something about Pennsylvania that gives me the creeps.

00:07:11Marc:What?

00:07:11Marc:I don't know.

00:07:12Marc:It's a big, weird state to me.

00:07:13Guest:Well, between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia is down south.

00:07:18Marc:It is.

00:07:18Marc:Right.

00:07:19Marc:But like hill people.

00:07:20Guest:Yeah.

00:07:20Guest:There's hill people, but you know, like real ethnic people that really hard workers taught the way it is.

00:07:25Guest:I mean, where I grew up, there's like bars, the hard to explain market.

00:07:30Guest:Well, it's not hard.

00:07:31Guest:It's easy.

00:07:31Guest:When people came over in the early 1800s or late 1800s, early 1900s, they would start little places.

00:07:39Guest:where if they wanted to practice for example there's three catholic churches italian polish and croatian so they could they could learn from their negative tongue right plus there's all these bars like a polish home the slovak home the irish home and you get to go there and drink fuck you could get a shot in a beer for a dollar yeah and you could drink till four in the morning oh yeah so they have it's really hard workers they like they work they fight and they fuck

00:08:05Marc:What was your household, though?

00:08:07Marc:What was the business?

00:08:08Marc:What did your old man do?

00:08:09Guest:My father was a roofer, dude.

00:08:11Guest:He was a roofer.

00:08:12Guest:He supported 10 people in the roofers.

00:08:14Guest:He had a little business.

00:08:15Guest:He ran out of the house.

00:08:16Guest:His car was our... His work car was our car.

00:08:20Guest:We used to get dropped off at school.

00:08:21Guest:Car in it.

00:08:23Guest:It was embarrassing, dude.

00:08:25Guest:But he did it, man.

00:08:27Guest:Never took a penny from no one.

00:08:29Guest:We took an ass-whooping because...

00:08:32Guest:The more kids he had, the more angry he got.

00:08:34Guest:How many were there?

00:08:35Guest:It was eight of us.

00:08:36Guest:Oh, shit.

00:08:37Guest:Ten.

00:08:37Guest:Yeah.

00:08:38Guest:That's like a Jewish family of 20.

00:08:41Guest:Yeah.

00:08:42Marc:Ten kids in what?

00:08:43Marc:You're the oldest middle?

00:08:44Marc:Well, there was eight kids.

00:08:46Marc:Eight kids.

00:08:46Guest:Count my parents was ten.

00:08:48Marc:I was the third.

00:08:49Guest:So it was just what?

00:08:50Guest:It was warfare at all times?

00:08:51Guest:Dude, it was like, put it this way.

00:08:55Guest:There was one Christmas, and I have it on tape.

00:08:57Guest:I tape, just so you know, I've taped my family since 82.

00:08:59Guest:I think they're the funniest things in the world.

00:09:01Guest:Yeah.

00:09:02Guest:There was a fight.

00:09:03Guest:My brother and I got, you know, like a slap boxing fight.

00:09:06Guest:You know, just kind of a fun fight, doing Christmas, a Christmas party, a Christmas-y party at my dad's house.

00:09:13Marc:Yeah.

00:09:14Yeah.

00:09:14Marc:Are your folks married?

00:09:17Guest:They were separated at the time.

00:09:18Guest:They separated like in 77, 78.

00:09:21Guest:Anyways, so my brother just slap boxing, right?

00:09:25Guest:Well, it turns into a physical thing, right?

00:09:28Guest:I slap him joking around.

00:09:29Guest:I knocked a cigarette out of his mouth.

00:09:31Guest:The kids didn't even stop opening their gifts.

00:09:35Marc:Why the fight was going on.

00:09:36Guest:They continue opening the gifts.

00:09:38Marc:Yeah.

00:09:39Marc:So that gives you an idea of the chaos.

00:09:41Marc:Now, for some reason, I met you, I think it was in New York, probably in the early 90s.

00:09:47Marc:You were around.

00:09:48Marc:Yeah.

00:09:49Marc:And in my mind, you were one of those guys that there was always stories like Bob Golub.

00:09:55Marc:Yeah, he was a boxer.

00:09:57Marc:He was in prison.

00:09:58Marc:He's crazy.

00:10:00Marc:Which one of those are true?

00:10:01Guest:Well, I was in prison.

00:10:03Marc:Right.

00:10:04Guest:Were you a boxer, though?

00:10:05Guest:Yeah, I used to fight.

00:10:06Guest:I used to fight out of Youngstown, Ohio.

00:10:07Guest:When you were a kid?

00:10:08Guest:Yeah.

00:10:09Guest:I mean, when I was with Boom Boom Mancini, my brother, Donnie, beat a world champion.

00:10:15Guest:So our whole family are pretty tough guys and girls, even the girls.

00:10:19Guest:My sister got in a fight with a karate guy because he wouldn't give her kid a black belt.

00:10:29Guest:Right.

00:10:30Guest:The teacher?

00:10:31Guest:The teacher.

00:10:32Guest:She literally pushed him around and they're going, Barb, this guy's got a black belt.

00:10:36Guest:I don't give a shit.

00:10:37Guest:He didn't give my kid.

00:10:38Guest:My kid should have got a black belt.

00:10:40Guest:I go, you know.

00:10:41Guest:Yeah, so I grew up in a crazy family.

00:10:42Marc:But what happened?

00:10:43Marc:I mean, who knows if they really have black belts?

00:10:45Marc:Did they fight?

00:10:46Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:10:47Guest:Well, you know, I told Barb, I said black belt, blue belt.

00:10:50Guest:It's all bullshit.

00:10:51Guest:I mean, until you actually do it.

00:10:52Guest:But no, I grew up in a very... My brother, just so you know, I brought you a tape.

00:10:57Guest:Yeah.

00:10:57Guest:It's called Dodo.

00:10:59Guest:Now, that's based on my one-man show.

00:11:01Guest:Right.

00:11:01Guest:And my inspiration from that was watching your show, the thing about- Jerusalem syndrome?

00:11:06Guest:Yeah, going to the- The Israel.

00:11:08Guest:The Israel, going to the Jew thing, whatever it was.

00:11:10Marc:The Jew thing, yeah.

00:11:10Guest:Yeah.

00:11:11Guest:But I really liked it.

00:11:12Marc:Yeah.

00:11:12Guest:And I saw it.

00:11:13Guest:No, I didn't know if I would like it, but I really loved it.

00:11:17Guest:I loved the whole going to Israel and all that shit.

00:11:22Guest:And it was really well done.

00:11:23Marc:It was at- The West Beth.

00:11:25Guest:Yeah.

00:11:25Marc:Yeah.

00:11:26Guest:Yeah, and at that time, I was trying to figure out what to do.

00:11:29Marc:I think I remember you coming.

00:11:30Marc:I was very flattered because you always frightened me.

00:11:32Guest:You know, I don't know why.

00:11:34Marc:Because you're up on stage.

00:11:35Marc:You're crazy.

00:11:36Guest:I know.

00:11:37Guest:That's my act.

00:11:38Guest:I know.

00:11:38Marc:All right.

00:11:39Marc:Well, you know, we don't know the difference sometimes.

00:11:40Guest:And you know what?

00:11:41Guest:It has hurt me because even like Michael Patrick King, all these guys that know me years ago, think I'm a nut.

00:11:47Guest:And the fact of the matter, I'm a father.

00:11:50Guest:I got three kids.

00:11:50Guest:I'm a basketball coach.

00:11:53Guest:Were you then though?

00:11:54Guest:No, no.

00:11:55Guest:No, I was nuts.

00:11:57Marc:I was crazy.

00:11:58Marc:Time relative thing.

00:11:59Marc:You un-nutted over time.

00:12:01Guest:I mellowed out.

00:12:02Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:03Marc:So wait, tell me about this boxing thing because I never talked to anybody.

00:12:05Marc:So was this like a way out?

00:12:07Marc:I mean, you grew up relatively poor.

00:12:09Marc:Right.

00:12:09Marc:So when did you start boxing?

00:12:11Guest:Well, here's what happened.

00:12:11Guest:I was a wrestler.

00:12:12Guest:I was a wrestler.

00:12:13Guest:I had a scholarship for wrestling, a full ride.

00:12:15Guest:Out of high school?

00:12:16Guest:Out of high school.

00:12:17Guest:I quit after three months because I was down in a place called Fairmont State Park.

00:12:21Guest:college by the University of West Virginia down there, and my buddy comes down, right?

00:12:26Guest:I wasn't educated.

00:12:28Guest:I educated myself in this business.

00:12:29Guest:I couldn't even read.

00:12:30Guest:I educated myself when I got in jail and got in this business.

00:12:33Guest:I couldn't read or anything.

00:12:34Marc:You couldn't read out of high school, but you got a wrestling scholarship?

00:12:36Guest:Yep.

00:12:36Guest:I mean, I couldn't read that well, and I've educated myself in this business.

00:12:41Guest:That's why it took me so long

00:12:43Guest:To get going.

00:12:44Guest:Yeah.

00:12:45Guest:So when I went to jail, it was a blessing.

00:12:48Guest:But I wrestled and then that was our way of, you know, getting some notoriety.

00:12:53Guest:You know, like I know people, I don't want to get into this right now because I don't want to, because my ADD jumping around.

00:12:59Guest:But people get picked on because they're gay.

00:13:01Guest:Yeah.

00:13:01Guest:Because they're poor.

00:13:03Guest:Yeah.

00:13:03Guest:Because they're fat.

00:13:04Guest:Yeah.

00:13:04Guest:They get picked on for a lot of reasons.

00:13:06Guest:Right.

00:13:06Guest:So I start boxing.

00:13:08Guest:My brother boxed, and I boxed a little bit.

00:13:10Guest:But then when I knew I was going to jail, I had to hit something.

00:13:13Guest:So I started boxing.

00:13:15Marc:Oh, really?

00:13:15Marc:So you started boxing when you got sentenced?

00:13:18Guest:Well, no.

00:13:18Guest:Before I got sentenced, I knew I was going to be getting sentenced for selling drugs.

00:13:22Guest:I knew it.

00:13:23Marc:How old were you?

00:13:24Guest:I was 19 at the time.

00:13:27Guest:And the way I look at it, I consider myself, I was a pretty big drug dealer.

00:13:30Guest:I saw a lot of drugs.

00:13:31Guest:I saw a lot of pot.

00:13:32Guest:A couple hundred pounds a month.

00:13:33Marc:And that was just pot?

00:13:34Marc:Just pot?

00:13:35Guest:Yeah, well, I got busted with coke, but that was a setup.

00:13:37Guest:It was?

00:13:38Guest:Yeah, that was a setup.

00:13:39Guest:That was just, I did as a favor, and they screwed me.

00:13:43Guest:But I was doing 200 pounds a month, and I consider myself a job creator.

00:13:47Marc:Yeah.

00:13:48Marc:So you were a boss.

00:13:49Guest:Hey, well, Mitt Romney is a job creator.

00:13:52Guest:I'm a fucking job creator.

00:13:53Guest:You weren't a drug dealer.

00:13:54Guest:You were helping the kids.

00:13:55Guest:I was helping the kids.

00:13:57Guest:okay you know and uh you know and i would get i would have this pot and and i had a number i had a nine millimeter pistol i i had two thousand cash in my pocket i looked like a bum i had long i drove a shit car so this is when you're still living at your folks house i was living in my folks and then my dad found a bunch of money and he goes hey uh what is this i go it's money he goes uh you gotta get out

00:14:21Guest:so i just moved four houses up you know an apartment where i could uh you know stash the stuff but i was really good only when i you know no one knew no i would buy pot off somebody that bought it four down from me just to see who was talking right you know oh so you go out on the street to score pot that was distributed through you find out where yeah where did you where'd you get it from and always see who was doing what you were trying to figure out who ratted you out or what right

00:14:45Guest:Well, not ratting me out.

00:14:47Guest:No one ratting me out because I just wanted to see... No one knew because I would give someone 10 pounds.

00:14:52Guest:I got a black guy in the ghetto.

00:14:54Guest:He would take care of the ghetto, the projects.

00:14:56Guest:Then I had another guy at the colleges.

00:14:59Guest:So I had everybody set up.

00:15:00Guest:I had a really unbelievable... I was making more money now than I ever am now.

00:15:03Marc:But were you the top of the pyramid?

00:15:05Marc:Were you involved with any local mobsters or anything?

00:15:07Guest:Well, that there is really why I'm lucky to go to prison.

00:15:12Guest:If I didn't, I probably would be dead...

00:15:13Guest:either from the drugs, because I never use, and I start using.

00:15:17Marc:Start using what?

00:15:18Guest:Well, Coke and PCP.

00:15:21Guest:Oh, yeah?

00:15:21Guest:I can't imagine you on PCP.

00:15:23Guest:Yeah, me either.

00:15:23Marc:Quaaludes, a lot of Quaaludes.

00:15:25Marc:Back when they were around.

00:15:26Guest:Yeah, Paris 400, 400 milligrams of methyl Quaalude.

00:15:30Guest:My buddy would come over in the afternoon.

00:15:33Guest:We're fucking eating three of those, and I'm like, whoa.

00:15:37Guest:I hit a frigging school at 2 in the morning.

00:15:39Guest:you know with your car yeah yeah i mean you know i should have been dead you know eating those quaaludes i passed out what was that the 70s yeah late 70s because those quaaludes weren't they're not around anymore no they disappeared in the 80s but they were 250 milligrams of methyl quaalude i was getting paris 400s they were 400 milligrams you must have been like retarded dude we were so high

00:16:02Guest:And I was like... I'm like... I mean, dude.

00:16:06Guest:I mean, like... I woke up one time.

00:16:09Guest:I was going off a cliff.

00:16:10Guest:I woke back up.

00:16:11Guest:Then I hit a school.

00:16:12Guest:And then I... You hit a school?

00:16:14Guest:I hit a school.

00:16:15Guest:Yeah.

00:16:15Marc:And then did you run or did you... No.

00:16:17Guest:No, I just...

00:16:18Guest:Back my car up.

00:16:20Guest:Oh, left?

00:16:21Guest:Yeah.

00:16:21Guest:And then before I hit the score, I went in an embankment and both rims were bent.

00:16:25Guest:I remember waking up, my dad waking me up and he goes, what the hell did you do to your car?

00:16:29Guest:And I go, I don't know.

00:16:31Guest:And he throws water on me to get out.

00:16:33Guest:He goes, get the fuck out of bed.

00:16:34Guest:I go down and he goes, your tires are all bent.

00:16:36Guest:You hit something.

00:16:37Guest:I go, oh, I have no idea.

00:16:38Guest:And I realized what it was.

00:16:39Guest:I hit a school and I went on an embankment.

00:16:41Marc:Yeah, did you go see the school?

00:16:42Marc:You knew where it was?

00:16:43Marc:It was in the neighborhood?

00:16:45Guest:Yeah, it was two o'clock in the morning.

00:16:46Guest:There was no kids, you know.

00:16:47Guest:And then I hit a van one time.

00:16:49Guest:I passed out driving, hit a van, knocked that van up about five, six feet.

00:16:54Marc:A parked van?

00:16:55Marc:Oh, a guy in it?

00:16:55Marc:Yeah.

00:16:56Guest:Oh, okay.

00:16:57Guest:Yeah, he was at the red light.

00:16:59Guest:He gets out.

00:16:59Guest:What do I do like an asshole?

00:17:01Guest:I beat him up.

00:17:02Guest:And I knew the guy.

00:17:03Guest:You know what I'm like?

00:17:04Guest:He's a neighborhood guy?

00:17:05Guest:Yeah, he's a fucking idiot.

00:17:06Guest:That's when they start getting on to me because no one knew anything about me.

00:17:10Marc:About the pot.

00:17:11Guest:I drove a shit car.

00:17:12Guest:I had a $1,200 stereo in this $200 car, long hair, a trench coat.

00:17:18Guest:I looked like a freaking bum.

00:17:19Guest:No one knew.

00:17:20Marc:So how'd this shit go down?

00:17:21Guest:Because like an asshole, this happened when I was down in college.

00:17:28Guest:My buddy come down.

00:17:29Marc:In Virginia?

00:17:30Guest:West Virginia.

00:17:31Guest:This is how it started.

00:17:32Guest:He'd come down, and I'm down there about four months, my first semester.

00:17:36Guest:The grades aren't going good.

00:17:37Guest:I can't even acknowledge what happened.

00:17:39Guest:I go, what's going on?

00:17:40Guest:He goes, yeah.

00:17:41Guest:He goes, what's raining?

00:17:42Guest:I probably just gained a half a pound off my pot because he was selling pot.

00:17:46Guest:And he had all the chicks.

00:17:47Guest:He had all the money.

00:17:48Guest:I'm sitting in college.

00:17:49Guest:I can't even freaking have no concept of what's going on.

00:17:53Marc:Because you can't read that well.

00:17:54Guest:I can't read that well.

00:17:55Marc:And you're out of the pot game at this point.

00:17:57Guest:I didn't start it.

00:17:58Marc:Oh, that was before.

00:17:58Guest:So when I seen him come down, that song came on, I'm going to be a star someday, don't you know?

00:18:03Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:18:04Guest:The Bad Company song.

00:18:05Guest:Yeah, Bad Company.

00:18:06Guest:I'm seeing him.

00:18:07Guest:He got this good-looking chick.

00:18:09Guest:He got cash everywhere.

00:18:10Guest:Yeah.

00:18:10Guest:I go, screw this.

00:18:12Guest:Yeah.

00:18:12Guest:So I quit school.

00:18:13Guest:Came back.

00:18:14Guest:I'll never forget it.

00:18:15Guest:My dad was in the basement getting ready to do a roof.

00:18:18Guest:He goes, all right, so you want to be a roofer?

00:18:19Guest:And they didn't even look at me.

00:18:20Guest:He knew.

00:18:20Guest:I came home.

00:18:22Guest:I started selling pot.

00:18:23Marc:And I became- Well, how'd you set up?

00:18:25Marc:The kid from West Virginia set you up with a guy?

00:18:27Guest:My next door neighbor.

00:18:28Marc:Yeah.

00:18:29Guest:was gay.

00:18:30Guest:Check this out.

00:18:31Guest:He was, you know, you weren't out then, you know, he was gay.

00:18:36Guest:And he was dated a friend of mine.

00:18:39Guest:And he hooked me up with my first, he gave me a kilo.

00:18:42Guest:And I got rid of it very quick.

00:18:44Guest:And one thing led to another.

00:18:46Guest:He was the main dealer there.

00:18:48Guest:He was getting out of Youngstown.

00:18:50Guest:I can't, I better not mention these mobs' names because they came after you.

00:18:53Guest:I'll tell you that story.

00:18:54Guest:Talking about being shot at.

00:18:55Guest:And, um, one thing led to another.

00:18:58Guest:And then I was huge.

00:18:59Guest:I was selling all this.

00:19:00Guest:No one knew like an asshole because I wanted to, I went and go, I got a two 40 Z, a white two 40 Z in a small town in Pennsylvania.

00:19:08Marc:You went and bought a car finally.

00:19:10Guest:Where did, where did, where did you get this from?

00:19:11Guest:You know?

00:19:12Guest:And then, um,

00:19:14Guest:One thing led to no, they got on me, and then they set me up to bust me for I could turn the main guy in.

00:19:20Marc:So the cops set you up on a Coke deal.

00:19:22Guest:Right.

00:19:23Guest:I knew the heat was coming down, and so I quit.

00:19:25Marc:Yeah.

00:19:26Guest:This guy calls me up and says, hey, man, listen, I just got on from the service.

00:19:29Guest:What's up, man?

00:19:30Guest:How you doing?

00:19:30Guest:He goes, yo, can you give me some Coke?

00:19:32Guest:I said, well, I don't deal with that shit, but I'll hook you up, right?

00:19:35Guest:So I hook him up, and I knew it was shit.

00:19:38Guest:I stepped on it with a herd of elephants.

00:19:41Guest:He wanted another one.

00:19:41Guest:I said, all right.

00:19:43Guest:But then when he wanted a quarter, I'm going, wait a second.

00:19:45Guest:There's two things.

00:19:46Guest:Either this guy's that fucking stupid, or he's a cop.

00:19:49Guest:He's a cop.

00:19:50Guest:He's a cop.

00:19:51Guest:And they popped me for that, and that's what I got busted for.

00:19:54Marc:And so, okay, so you start boxing when you know you haven't gone to court yet or you haven't been sentenced yet?

00:19:59Guest:No, there's preliminaries and all that stuff.

00:20:01Guest:And I knew that I was going to go because they said, do you want to turn in the next door neighbor?

00:20:06Guest:I'll just tell him, I'll call him Billy Jones.

00:20:09Guest:And I says, I'm not going to do that.

00:20:11Marc:I'm not going to drop a dime.

00:20:12Marc:I'm not going to drop a dime on it.

00:20:13Guest:And besides, you know, these were serious people.

00:20:17Marc:So one up from him is a mob guy.

00:20:19Guest:Let me tell you something.

00:20:20Guest:I owed the guy $15,000 to my next door neighbor, Billy, because everybody stopped one guy, the black dude in the ghetto, says, oh, my apartment caught on fire and your $4,000 burn up.

00:20:32Guest:My hippie guy that took care of the hippies says, hey, man, this dude set me up and come and took my shit.

00:20:38Guest:Next thing I know, no one's paying me.

00:20:40Guest:I owe the guy $15,000.

00:20:41Guest:They send some people after me.

00:20:43Guest:And well, first what happened, they called my mother up.

00:20:46Guest:Check this out.

00:20:47Guest:They called my mother up and said, hey, we're gonna throw acid in your son's eyes.

00:20:52Guest:And I found, I started crying.

00:20:53Guest:I called Bill up and said, who's that guy?

00:20:56Guest:You tell him this.

00:20:57Guest:I will come over, I will kill him and his whole fucking family.

00:21:00Guest:That's how crazy I was.

00:21:01Guest:I was 19, I was crazy.

00:21:02Guest:I was thinking I was a gangster.

00:21:04Guest:They said, what'd he say?

00:21:06Guest:So they come after me.

00:21:08Guest:So they frigging shot at me through my window.

00:21:11Guest:Check this out.

00:21:12Guest:And went through my window and I hit a pull.

00:21:15Guest:Thank God it was in front of a big party and they took off, you know.

00:21:19Guest:And then when they found out they did that, I called them back up.

00:21:22Guest:This is how crazy it was.

00:21:23Guest:I call them back up and I go, you know what?

00:21:25Guest:Tell them I'm going to come over and I'm going to fucking kill them.

00:21:28Guest:And so I found out years later, after most of these guys were died, the head mob guy, I could tell you his name, his name's Joey Naples.

00:21:35Guest:Anyone knows what I'm talking about.

00:21:36Guest:They know he's real.

00:21:37Guest:Yeah.

00:21:38Guest:He said, who is this kid?

00:21:39Guest:Yeah.

00:21:39Guest:I found out this kid, you go and threaten him, then you go and shoot at him, and he threatens you?

00:21:44Guest:Why ain't he working for us?

00:21:46Guest:I swear to God, that's a true story.

00:21:48Guest:So anyway, I ended up going to jail for that.

00:21:51Marc:So you started boxing basically what?

00:21:53Marc:To protect yourself in jail?

00:21:54Guest:Well, I mean, I fought a little bit outside.

00:21:59Guest:We had some amateur fights.

00:22:00Guest:Then we had some five-rounder fights.

00:22:01Guest:And then when I went in prison, what did I do?

00:22:03Guest:I studied.

00:22:04Guest:I read.

00:22:05Guest:And I worked out.

00:22:07Guest:And I would go in.

00:22:08Guest:And it was a brand new prison.

00:22:10Marc:Right.

00:22:10Guest:My number was Z0091, like a radio station.

00:22:15Guest:I was a 91th inmate in this brand new prison.

00:22:18Marc:So it was like living in a new apartment.

00:22:19Guest:Yeah, it was great, man.

00:22:21Guest:It was great.

00:22:22Guest:I had my own room, three meals, freaking got my teeth fixed.

00:22:25Guest:Everything was fucking great.

00:22:26Guest:You know, I got to tell you something.

00:22:28Guest:People laugh.

00:22:28Guest:It was a federal and state joint effort.

00:22:30Guest:It's never been done before.

00:22:32Guest:So I'm in with guys that are coming in, you know, doing all kinds of stuff.

00:22:36Guest:And not crazy stuff.

00:22:37Guest:But what happened was...

00:22:38Guest:I would go in other prisons and fight people.

00:22:41Guest:We were brand new prisons.

00:22:42Guest:So you're on the team.

00:22:44Guest:We started the team.

00:22:45Guest:The boxing team.

00:22:46Guest:The boxing team.

00:22:47Guest:And I went in and fought.

00:22:48Guest:I still got all these articles.

00:22:49Guest:I went in and fought a guy in Western Penitentiary.

00:22:53Guest:Yeah.

00:22:53Guest:Which is a maximum security prison in Pittsburgh.

00:22:56Guest:Anyone knows about it has this gothic look with these big...

00:22:59Guest:old school oh my god when i went in there the things open right yeah the big gates and i'm a little cocky you know i'm and i'm remember i'm 19 i'm looking like i'm 12. yeah i go on to fight this guy called the animal yeah that's the honest to god's truth mark he was locked up 24 23 out of 24 hours because he always would get in a fight with the guard or an inmate yeah

00:23:23Guest:So they let him out for an hour to work out.

00:23:25Guest:So I look at this.

00:23:26Guest:I come in the ring and I'm going in there and there's 1,500 people.

00:23:30Guest:I'll never forget this.

00:23:31Marc:All inmates.

00:23:32Marc:All inmates.

00:23:33Guest:All frigging heavy time at maximum security prison.

00:23:39Guest:I'm in a minimum security prison.

00:23:40Guest:They call it the country club, right?

00:23:42Guest:And they say, I'll jump over three fine bitches against your ass.

00:23:46Guest:And I'm going, you ain't going to do shit, bitch.

00:23:47Guest:I'm trying to act cocky, right?

00:23:48Guest:But I'm nervous.

00:23:50Guest:All of a sudden, I'm a lightweight.

00:23:52Guest:Right.

00:23:52Guest:This guy comes on.

00:23:53Guest:I'm going to tell you right now.

00:23:54Guest:Yeah.

00:23:56Guest:If this guy's a lightweight, I will clean your car for a frigging year, okay?

00:24:00Guest:He comes out, he's so cut, and they went crazy.

00:24:04Guest:He comes in, and we type the glass.

00:24:07Guest:I hit this guy.

00:24:08Guest:I was in good shape.

00:24:10Guest:I used to spar with light heavyweights.

00:24:12Guest:I was a lightweight, and I sparred with light heavyweights, and I hit hard.

00:24:15Guest:I hit this guy about three times in his face so hard.

00:24:18Guest:Fast and hard.

00:24:19Guest:He looks at me, and he goes, I'm going to kill you.

00:24:22Guest:he beat the out of me he didn't he didn't knock me he didn't knock me out or he beat me so bad yeah and then i come to find out years later i went back to do a show there seven years later yeah that the guy was in for killing three people with his hands he never lost a fight is that what happened to your nose no my nose is like that i leave it that way okay did he get smashed

00:24:45Guest:No, actually I went to get a deviated septum.

00:24:47Guest:They wanted to straighten it.

00:24:48Guest:I go, no, leave it.

00:24:49Guest:This is my nose.

00:24:49Guest:I don't want to straighten it.

00:24:51Guest:Where you live in a hallway?

00:24:51Guest:I don't give a shit.

00:24:52Guest:This is my nose.

00:24:53Marc:So how long were you in for?

00:24:56Guest:All around about two years.

00:24:58Marc:Yeah.

00:24:58Guest:Because I was there and then I got out.

00:25:00Guest:Then they brought me back in for something that's never been charged ever called perjury at a parole hearing.

00:25:08Guest:Then I was stuck in the county for a while.

00:25:09Guest:But I got to tell you, man, it was the best experience that ever happened to me because, again, I got cleaned up.

00:25:15Guest:I mean, I smoke a lot of herb now, but, I mean, I cleaned up.

00:25:18Guest:I got off the drugs.

00:25:19Guest:I was able to educate myself a little bit.

00:25:21Guest:So it was a good thing.

00:25:22Marc:Yeah.

00:25:22Marc:So what – now, okay, so you didn't – because I always picture prisons.

00:25:27Marc:Like I would assume that that prison, the max security one that you went into – It's called Western Penitentiary, yeah.

00:25:34Marc:I mean, like, I did one show once at a woman's prison, and the social dynamics and the feeling inside a prison, it's like its own fucking world, right?

00:25:42Marc:It really is, yeah.

00:25:43Marc:And there's systems, there's power hierarchies, but were you in a situation where you really had to fight for yourself, you had to protect yourself, you had to set, you know, territorial lines?

00:25:53Guest:Actually, I mean, it would take really long... I wrote all about this.

00:25:57Guest:I got a book, we're finished now, Big House to the White House in 10 years.

00:26:01Guest:But there's...

00:26:03Guest:No, again, I was in a minimum security prison, brand new.

00:26:07Guest:So what they did with this work was, like say you were doing heavy time, like say you did 15 years for murder, they would put you in there for about a few, four months, three or four months before they put you out on the street, just to kind of level it out a little bit, you know, instead of taking it from a really hard, like Graterford prison in Philly is like 98% black, you do not want to go there.

00:26:29Guest:Western Penitentiary, you don't want to go.

00:26:32Guest:So...

00:26:32Guest:I had my own room.

00:26:36Guest:I had trouble jerking off every so often because the guards would come by and tap on the window.

00:26:41Guest:I can't even jerk off.

00:26:42Guest:You took my fucking privacy.

00:26:44Guest:I can't jerk off.

00:26:46Marc:But there was none of that shower shit.

00:26:48Guest:No, I had an incident in the shower only because of what this guy tried to do with me with boxing situation.

00:26:57Guest:I could tell you the story.

00:26:59Guest:Sure.

00:27:00Guest:There was a guy that was from kind of my hometown.

00:27:02Guest:He just came from Western.

00:27:03Guest:Right.

00:27:04Guest:Where he was doing armed robbery.

00:27:06Guest:He was doing six years.

00:27:07Guest:He had a silver tooth.

00:27:08Guest:I'll never forget this guy.

00:27:09Guest:A little overweight, about 230.

00:27:11Guest:Because I'm going to teach you how to box.

00:27:13Guest:I said, well, I'm Manny Valeno.

00:27:14Guest:We're training and stuff.

00:27:15Guest:But, you know, I'm always open to listen to this thing.

00:27:18Sure.

00:27:18Guest:So it kept going back and forth.

00:27:21Guest:So we were out, and I was a wrestler.

00:27:23Guest:I was a great wrestler.

00:27:25Guest:I don't know if you know Pennsylvania, it's the best.

00:27:27Guest:I lettered four years in wrestling, which has never been done in my high school.

00:27:32Guest:So everybody was wrestling.

00:27:33Guest:This guy was big, and I was able to take people down.

00:27:35Guest:They said, I'll take anybody down in the prison.

00:27:37Guest:He said, yeah, you take me down.

00:27:38Guest:I said, all right.

00:27:38Guest:So I snatched his foot.

00:27:39Guest:I kept taking him down.

00:27:41Guest:He kept getting mad.

00:27:42Guest:And I was embarrassing him.

00:27:43Guest:I go, no, I'm done.

00:27:45Guest:Let's do it again.

00:27:45Guest:I took him down again.

00:27:46Guest:I mean, quit.

00:27:47Guest:So then he wanted to box.

00:27:49Guest:I said, I ain't boxing you, man.

00:27:50Guest:You're 230 pounds.

00:27:52Guest:He goes, yeah, you're scared to get your ass.

00:27:53Guest:I go, come on, man.

00:27:54Guest:Are you serious?

00:27:55Guest:So finally he kept putting it on.

00:27:56Guest:I said, okay, you know what?

00:27:58Guest:Manny Valino does this, my trainer.

00:28:00Guest:Here's what we're gonna do.

00:28:01Guest:Bobby puts bag gloves on, which is like four ounces.

00:28:04Guest:You put 16-ounce gloves.

00:28:05Guest:I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, Manny, whoa, whoa.

00:28:07Guest:He's still 230 pounds.

00:28:08Guest:He knows how to box.

00:28:09Guest:I'm not...

00:28:11Guest:But he won't let me alone.

00:28:12Guest:So I said, all right.

00:28:13Guest:So Tim, who was the program director of that sports thing, knew what was going on.

00:28:18Guest:He said, I don't want no fighting.

00:28:19Guest:You guys can train.

00:28:22Guest:So we go and we put the gloves on.

00:28:23Guest:And I hit this guy one time in the belly.

00:28:26Guest:He bends over.

00:28:27Guest:This guy's 230 pounds.

00:28:29Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hit me in the balls.

00:28:31Guest:I know I didn't.

00:28:32Guest:He goes, all right, motherfucker.

00:28:33Guest:Let's take the gloves off and go bare knuckles in the bathroom and go, I'm done.

00:28:37Guest:Because I'm about a month of getting out.

00:28:39Guest:I don't want no problem.

00:28:41Guest:And what they try to do is try to keep you in.

00:28:43Guest:oh yeah oh really oh yeah yeah they know the the long the the guys you're in for a long time yeah they you got short time they try to fuck with you really yeah yeah and i've got a month and i'm getting out and dude i am like i got prison religion okay i am like i want to get out of there but i i got to protect myself so he kept messing with me yeah you cheated yeah i said look dude i'm done you win okay you win

00:29:08Guest:I went to the superintendent who was the warden.

00:29:12Guest:I said, dude, they knew I balked and they liked me.

00:29:15Guest:I had everyone laughing, you know.

00:29:16Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:29:17Guest:What's he do?

00:29:18Guest:I say, this guy's bothering me.

00:29:19Guest:Well, you got to protect yourself.

00:29:21Guest:I'm in the shower.

00:29:23Guest:This guy reaches under my ass and grabs my balls.

00:29:26Guest:Yeah.

00:29:27Guest:I turn around and I put him in the lock and I bite him in his face and I bite a piece out of his face and he's screaming and the guards coming and screaming.

00:29:36Guest:I still got him by the face and I spit it out on him.

00:29:39Guest:And they took him back to Western Penitentiary and I thought I was going to get in trouble.

00:29:43Guest:The guy pulled me and he says, listen, you protected yourself.

00:29:45Guest:So I was covered.

00:29:47Guest:So that was the only incident that happened.

00:29:49Marc:That was a hell of an incident.

00:29:51Marc:I would say that would put a warning shot out to anybody who was going to grab your balls from that point out.

00:29:57Guest:Yeah, don't grab my balls.

00:29:59Guest:But he wasn't doing it to try to fuck me.

00:30:02Guest:He was just trying to mess with me.

00:30:03Guest:You know, call me cutie.

00:30:04Guest:And when he reached up under there, I turned around.

00:30:07Guest:Mark, I wrestled him down.

00:30:09Guest:And this kid's big.

00:30:10Guest:And I bit a piece out of his face.

00:30:13Guest:It's an animal.

00:30:14Guest:Now I sound like I'm crazy.

00:30:16Guest:Jesus Christ.

00:30:17Marc:I think people will allow you that leeway because you were in jail.

00:30:21Marc:You got to do things.

00:30:22Guest:I had to do what I had to do.

00:30:24Guest:You know, I pissed in a guard's coffee before I left, which was great.

00:30:27Guest:I got him.

00:30:29Guest:How'd you do that?

00:30:30Guest:This guy named Mr. Fisher.

00:30:31Guest:This guy was a dick.

00:30:32Guest:Even the guards hated him.

00:30:33Guest:Yeah.

00:30:34Guest:He was a game warden.

00:30:35Guest:You know what a game warden is?

00:30:36Guest:A game warden is like fish and hunting.

00:30:39Guest:So not only was he a guard, he was a game warden too to make money.

00:30:42Guest:He would

00:30:42Guest:He busts some of the guards shooting too close to the city.

00:30:45Guest:He was just a dick.

00:30:45Guest:Everyone hated him.

00:30:47Guest:And he was my last.

00:30:47Guest:I had a great job because I boxed.

00:30:49Guest:Everyone liked me.

00:30:50Guest:So I would take food to the guards.

00:30:52Guest:You know, coffee.

00:30:53Guest:And he'd always grab it out of my hand and say, I want two cups.

00:30:56Guest:I have to go back to get the whole thing.

00:30:57Guest:There was another guy left.

00:30:58Marc:So you're working for the kitchen?

00:30:59Marc:I was working for the kitchen.

00:31:00Guest:Had a great gig.

00:31:02Guest:They liked me.

00:31:02Guest:Like I said, I boxed.

00:31:03Guest:I had everyone laughing.

00:31:04Guest:I was a good inmate.

00:31:05Guest:I just wanted to get out of here.

00:31:07Guest:And he kept, you know, asshole.

00:31:10Guest:So I knew when I was getting out, I had a week to go, right?

00:31:13Guest:I go, I said, Mr. Fisher, what's up, man?

00:31:15Guest:He goes, I want two cups.

00:31:16Guest:No problem.

00:31:17Guest:Even when I tried to make him laugh, he smiled one time and he goes, just remember, you're an inmate, okay?

00:31:23Guest:And I'm a guard.

00:31:24Guest:And if I ever have a chance to shoot you if you run, I'm going to shoot you.

00:31:27Guest:He was an asshole.

00:31:28Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:29Guest:So I had a week to go.

00:31:31Guest:I said, hey, so you want another coffee, huh?

00:31:32Guest:Yeah, no problem.

00:31:34Guest:One second here.

00:31:35Guest:I went in the bathroom and I pissed in the coffee.

00:31:37Guest:Yeah.

00:31:38Guest:Shook it up real good.

00:31:39Guest:Yeah.

00:31:39Guest:And I poured him his second cup.

00:31:41Guest:Yeah.

00:31:41Guest:And the day I was getting out, I told all the guards and they all fucking loved it.

00:31:46Guest:And I was known for that for my brother who's in prison there now.

00:31:49Guest:Yeah.

00:31:50Guest:Okay.

00:31:51Guest:Says people been talking about that.

00:31:52Guest:And that was fucking 30 years ago.

00:31:54Guest:Still.

00:31:54Guest:They still talk about it because they knew everyone knew how they hated that guy.

00:31:58Guest:I mean, he's gone, and the other people, there might have been maybe one person left, but they talked about that for a year.

00:32:03Guest:My brother's been in and out so many times.

00:32:04Guest:They retired his number.

00:32:05Marc:What's he in now for?

00:32:06Marc:He's in, fuck, who knows.

00:32:08Marc:Is he older brother or younger brother?

00:32:09Guest:My youngest brother.

00:32:10Guest:He's been in half his life for crack.

00:32:14Guest:He's a crackhead.

00:32:15Marc:Did you have that in the family?

00:32:17Marc:Was your old man an alcoholic?

00:32:19Guest:My dad was an alcoholic, yeah.

00:32:21Guest:But no one's ever been in trouble except me and my younger brother.

00:32:25Marc:Yeah.

00:32:26Guest:As far as prison, jail.

00:32:27Guest:My dad was in for DWI.

00:32:29Guest:I got a DWI from a Ronald McDonald.

00:32:31Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:32:32Yeah.

00:32:32Marc:But how many of your siblings are Alkis?

00:32:36Guest:Everyone.

00:32:37Marc:Oh, really?

00:32:37Guest:Yeah.

00:32:38Guest:My one brother, Ricky, got in a fight with his anger management counselor.

00:32:42Guest:That's the truth.

00:32:44Guest:That's the truth.

00:32:45Guest:Yeah, who won?

00:32:46Guest:He said he started it.

00:32:47Guest:Yeah.

00:32:48Guest:So he actually got in a fight, not a physical punch, but a push back and forth.

00:32:53Guest:Yeah.

00:32:53Guest:And I said, Ricky, he's your frigging.

00:32:55Guest:And he goes, well, he started.

00:32:58Guest:I go, whatever.

00:33:00Guest:Yeah, I'm a bunch of alcoholics.

00:33:02Marc:So when you got out of prison, so when's the comedy start?

00:33:04Marc:How did that happen?

00:33:05Guest:I literally asked and begged.

00:33:07Guest:I went back in the county jail for another charge.

00:33:11Guest:What was that?

00:33:12Guest:For perjury at a parole hearing.

00:33:14Guest:I was on work release when I first got this place.

00:33:17Guest:When you got out of jail.

00:33:18Guest:No.

00:33:19Guest:I was on work release when I first went to jail.

00:33:21Guest:I was able to get on work release.

00:33:22Guest:Yeah.

00:33:22Guest:And I was making more than the guards.

00:33:25Guest:And I snorted some stuff that I... And they said...

00:33:31Guest:They tested me and they brought it up.

00:33:33Guest:I said I didn't do it because they said it was coke and they found out it was PCP.

00:33:38Guest:Yeah.

00:33:38Guest:And so I wasn't technically lying, but I was lying.

00:33:41Guest:Right.

00:33:41Guest:So they brought me in for that.

00:33:42Guest:I was in the county jail for about six months and that was crazy.

00:33:47Guest:I had a guy flipped out, busted a leg off a

00:33:52Guest:a ping pong thing and try to come after me and try to kill me with it.

00:33:57Guest:And fucking county jail for Christ's sakes.

00:33:59Guest:As soon as I got out, I said, can I please leave?

00:34:01Guest:My sister lived in Florida.

00:34:04Guest:And I went down to Fort Lauderdale and I tried to do stand up.

00:34:08Guest:You know, I,

00:34:08Marc:But this was after the long stint?

00:34:11Guest:Yeah, I got out, and then I went back to county, and then I got released.

00:34:17Guest:And then as soon as I got released, I did six months, and then I got released.

00:34:21Guest:I pleaded guilty to false swearing, and I got out.

00:34:26Marc:They just want to keep guys like you in jail.

00:34:29Marc:I mean, it's fucking bullshit.

00:34:30Guest:It's a system.

00:34:31Marc:Right.

00:34:31Guest:Do you know the 28% of prisons are privately owned now?

00:34:36Guest:Oh, sure, yeah.

00:34:37Guest:Wackenhut.

00:34:37Guest:It's a profit.

00:34:38Marc:Yeah.

00:34:39Guest:It's a prophet.

00:34:39Marc:So you go to Florida and you decide I'm going to do comedy.

00:34:42Marc:Where the hell did that come from?

00:34:43Guest:When I was in there, there was a guard that was very nice to me.

00:34:46Guest:He said, you know, you speak really well.

00:34:48Guest:Have you ever thought about being like a preacher?

00:34:51Guest:So I still have it.

00:34:52Guest:He wrote up this whole thing about me being a preacher.

00:34:54Guest:I said, well, maybe I'll make some money.

00:34:55Guest:I'll become a preacher.

00:34:56Marc:Were you Jesus-y in the prison?

00:34:58Guest:In prison, you know.

00:34:59Marc:Doing the act?

00:35:00Yeah.

00:35:00Guest:Yeah, as soon as I got out, you know.

00:35:02Marc:You left your heart?

00:35:03Guest:Yeah, you left my heart.

00:35:04Guest:I was looking for him.

00:35:05Guest:I still can't find him.

00:35:06Guest:I've been looking, you know.

00:35:08Guest:Sure.

00:35:08Guest:I found him in a bowl the other day, and I filled it up with cereal.

00:35:11Guest:It was pretty cool.

00:35:13Guest:Yeah, sure.

00:35:13Guest:He gets around.

00:35:14Guest:Yeah, he gets around.

00:35:15Guest:But my sister lives in Fort Lauderdale, and I figure I have to get out because if you don't get, that's what's my problem with my brother.

00:35:21Guest:He doesn't get out of there, and it's a big cycle.

00:35:23Marc:Pennsylvania.

00:35:24Guest:Well, in that area, that small town of western Pennsylvania, he will not get out.

00:35:28Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:35:28Guest:So I left and I went down there and I remember my first gig, I still have it on audio tape.

00:35:34Marc:Was it like Coconuts or what the hell was the name of the place down there?

00:35:37Guest:No, it was called Friendly's.

00:35:38Guest:It was jugglers, singers.

00:35:41Marc:It wasn't a comedy club.

00:35:43Guest:It wasn't a comedy club.

00:35:44Guest:I was a roofer.

00:35:44Guest:Yeah.

00:35:44Guest:I was doing roofing and I'll never forget it because I got it on tape and I would, you remember Live, is it Live or Memorex?

00:35:50Guest:Yeah.

00:35:51Guest:Yeah.

00:35:51Guest:Well, I took these glasses on stage with a 20-pound hammer, broke it, and go, is that live or Memorex?

00:35:57Guest:And the club owner said to me, dude, listen, I know this is your first time, but you can't do that again.

00:36:01Guest:You're cutting the audience, and you can't do that.

00:36:07Marc:People are being injured.

00:36:08Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:09Guest:It's breaking all over.

00:36:11Guest:And I remember having the tape on the tape, and I hear this guy going, this guy's so fucking bad.

00:36:15Guest:He better stick to be a roofer.

00:36:16Guest:He's horrible.

00:36:17Yeah.

00:36:17Guest:You heard that on the tape recorder?

00:36:20Guest:It was my first time.

00:36:21Guest:I keep, I'm telling you, I tape everything.

00:36:23Guest:You still have it?

00:36:23Guest:Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, I have every write-up.

00:36:27Marc:When did you come to New York?

00:36:29Guest:When did I?

00:36:29Marc:Yeah.

00:36:30Guest:Well, I think I met you.

00:36:31Guest:I came out to LA in 80 because I figured like a fighter, you're as good as your competition.

00:36:37Guest:Right.

00:36:38Marc:So you've been doing comedy four years?

00:36:40Guest:Who, me?

00:36:40Marc:Yeah.

00:36:41Guest:No, I was doing comedy for like two months or three months.

00:36:43Guest:And I figured, I'll go to LA.

00:36:44Guest:You get as good as your competition.

00:36:46Guest:Uh-uh.

00:36:47Guest:That's when I met Kennison.

00:36:48Guest:So you were hanging out at the store?

00:36:50Guest:I was hanging out at the store.

00:36:51Guest:I'd go back with Kennison and Snort Coke.

00:36:53Guest:At what, 81?

00:36:55Guest:80, 81.

00:36:56Guest:Remember we used to sneak back into the comedy store?

00:36:58Guest:Do you remember that or no?

00:36:59Marc:I mean, I was there and it was later.

00:37:01Marc:I mean, you know, I was there in 87.

00:37:04Marc:Okay.

00:37:05Marc:So I missed you.

00:37:06Marc:I met you in New York.

00:37:07Guest:Right.

00:37:07Guest:Okay.

00:37:07Guest:So 80 to 84, I was in New York.

00:37:10Guest:I came here.

00:37:11Guest:Yeah.

00:37:11Guest:I couldn't get on stage.

00:37:13Guest:I couldn't even spell comedy.

00:37:14Guest:It was horrible because I didn't know what the people were talking about, like humor.

00:37:17Guest:Yeah.

00:37:18Guest:I'm a late bloomer.

00:37:19Guest:Yeah.

00:37:19Guest:But then when I went to New York in 85, I got out of there.

00:37:23Guest:I got to be friends with Kennison.

00:37:24Guest:Yeah.

00:37:24Guest:And Pryor and all those guys, they liked me.

00:37:26Guest:Out here?

00:37:27Guest:Out in LA.

00:37:28Guest:I went to New York in 85, and that's when I cut my teeth, and that's when you could perform.

00:37:33Guest:There's eight one-nighters on a Monday.

00:37:35Guest:Right.

00:37:35Guest:In fact, I'm working on a doc right now called Betty's Fireside, the worst one-nighter in the country.

00:37:40Guest:was the worst one do you remember that no i didn't do it yeah it was the worst one-nighter i did it with brian riggan yeah he just come up from florida yeah he turned white you can't get any whiter than he is yeah he was literally ready to go back to fort lauderdale why was it so bad it because they stood up and all they did was heckle you you could hear him and think oh man i'm gonna fuck with this comic so bad now i'm gonna get on his mother and everything and you stay where was it

00:38:04Guest:It was on a place called, it was off 80 in New Jersey.

00:38:09Guest:Comics would remember it, the old cats.

00:38:11Guest:And you stood behind the bar.

00:38:13Guest:And it was like a cage.

00:38:15Guest:And they would yell shit at you and throw shit.

00:38:17Guest:It was like nothing like you've ever seen.

00:38:21Guest:Adam Sandler did it.

00:38:22Guest:Yeah.

00:38:23Guest:You know, all these guys did it.

00:38:24Guest:Yeah.

00:38:25Guest:Probably once.

00:38:26Guest:Yeah.

00:38:27Guest:You know, and the thing was, I did well there.

00:38:29Guest:Yeah.

00:38:29Guest:Like, all the people that did well there haven't become famous.

00:38:33Guest:It's unbelievable.

00:38:34Marc:The sad thing about doing well at a place like that is then you go back.

00:38:37Marc:Most people go once.

00:38:38Marc:Yeah, that's right.

00:38:39Guest:That's right.

00:38:39Guest:I swear to God.

00:38:40Guest:Brian Riggin was so white.

00:38:42Guest:And I said, Brian, you just got to know, don't take this personal.

00:38:45Guest:He goes, I'm all right.

00:38:48Guest:When he got off stage, dude, because I was closing, I go,

00:38:51Guest:He goes, he goes, ah.

00:38:54Guest:He was like stuttering and stuff, like stuttering.

00:38:57Guest:Bad, huh?

00:38:58Marc:Yeah, it was horrible.

00:38:59Marc:You always went with that Polish madman thing, right?

00:39:02Guest:Well, that just come about because I... There was another guy.

00:39:05Marc:Who was that guy?

00:39:05Marc:Comedy with muscle, Johnny Rizzo.

00:39:07Marc:Remember him?

00:39:07Guest:Yeah, Johnny Rizzo.

00:39:08Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:39:09Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:39:10Marc:I confuse nicknames sometimes.

00:39:11Guest:Yeah, you know, that only came in the last 10 years.

00:39:14Guest:The Polish Madman?

00:39:15Guest:Yeah, somebody, I was doing this Polish tour with music and food.

00:39:19Guest:It was a lot of fun.

00:39:20Marc:So what, I mean, how did you, because I know you're sort of a fixture and you're like, you know, you're hammering out in the one-niners doing the comic strip and everyone knew who you were.

00:39:27Marc:And then I was showing you show up in Goodfellas.

00:39:29Marc:Yeah.

00:39:30Marc:For one very memorable line.

00:39:31Guest:Right, right, right.

00:39:32Guest:Well, actually it was a nice little scene.

00:39:33Marc:It was a nice little scene.

00:39:34Marc:It was, it was.

00:39:35Marc:You could definitely remember it.

00:39:36Guest:Yeah, I mean, you know, it's so amazing.

00:39:39Guest:That film, people love it.

00:39:40Marc:There's some people- Oh, I watch it every time it's on.

00:39:42Marc:I watch it, yeah.

00:39:43Marc:And for people who don't know, Bob Golub is a guy who came in when they set up the truck being ripped off and you had one line.

00:39:50Marc:You're walking.

00:39:51Guest:Well, actually, I drove in with the truck into a diner.

00:39:54Guest:Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta stole the truck.

00:39:57Guest:Right.

00:39:57Guest:I went in- You just walked away from it.

00:39:58Guest:I went in and I ordered a call.

00:40:00Guest:If I come back out, I realize it's stolen.

00:40:02Guest:It was set up and I go, can you believe that two niggas just stole my fucking truck?

00:40:05Guest:Can you believe that shit?

00:40:06Guest:Yeah.

00:40:07Guest:And yeah, I got that.

00:40:09Guest:No agent.

00:40:10Guest:No manager.

00:40:11Guest:How'd that happen?

00:40:14Guest:Well, you know what it is, man?

00:40:17Guest:You've acted, right?

00:40:18Marc:A bit.

00:40:18Guest:A bit, right?

00:40:19Marc:I had one part like that, you know, one or two lines.

00:40:22Guest:Yeah.

00:40:23Guest:You know, I'm driving from the thousandth one-nighter we've done in New Jersey somewhere, and I read Wise Guys from Nicholas Pelagie.

00:40:32Guest:Yeah.

00:40:32Guest:And it's the first time I ever read a book back-to-back and then read it again.

00:40:36Guest:I mean, just literally page to page.

00:40:38Guest:It was so intriguing.

00:40:40Guest:And I related to Jimmy the Gent Burke because he had a big family.

00:40:43Guest:He was tough.

00:40:43Guest:He had a local organization like I did.

00:40:45Guest:But I didn't kill anybody.

00:40:47Guest:But I related to him.

00:40:48Guest:And I heard they were going to be doing this film.

00:40:50Guest:And I said, oh, my God.

00:40:52Guest:I want to do Jimmy the Gent.

00:40:53Guest:Oh, I want just an audition.

00:40:54Guest:That's it.

00:40:55Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:40:56Guest:I said, how do I get to Martin Scorsese?

00:40:58Guest:No agent, no manager.

00:41:00Guest:It's called Screen Actors Guild.

00:41:01Guest:You know, you do it.

00:41:02Marc:You look in the phone book.

00:41:04Guest:Right.

00:41:05Guest:I don't know anything, Mark.

00:41:06Guest:I'm a comic.

00:41:07Guest:I'm just a comic.

00:41:08Guest:I get up late.

00:41:09Guest:I go to bed late.

00:41:10Guest:You know, I'm smoking.

00:41:11Guest:That's it.

00:41:12Guest:No family, no kids.

00:41:14Guest:So I found out he had an agent or a lawyer.

00:41:17Guest:So I started following this guy around.

00:41:19Guest:It's starting to get expensive.

00:41:20Guest:This guy, he's expensive places, but I wanted to wait the right time.

00:41:23Guest:So I approached him and said, look, I just drove in from Youngstown.

00:41:26Guest:Youngstown.

00:41:27Marc:Who did you approach?

00:41:28Marc:A lawyer.

00:41:29Marc:His lawyer.

00:41:29Marc:Yeah.

00:41:30Guest:I have all the papers.

00:41:31Marc:You had a meeting with him.

00:41:32Guest:I know.

00:41:32Guest:I caught him coming in the bathroom.

00:41:34Guest:I waited.

00:41:34Guest:What do you mean?

00:41:35Guest:You staked him out?

00:41:36Guest:I staked him out.

00:41:36Guest:Where?

00:41:37Guest:I found out where his office was.

00:41:40Guest:Right.

00:41:40Marc:And he found out what he looked like.

00:41:41Guest:Yeah.

00:41:41Guest:And then what I did was I would watch and try to find the right time to approach him.

00:41:45Guest:He'd go to eat.

00:41:46Guest:I'd go and eat someplace.

00:41:48Guest:And I would watch him.

00:41:49Guest:How long did this go on for?

00:41:50Guest:About 10 days.

00:41:51Guest:And then I waited for him to come out of his office into the bathroom.

00:41:56Guest:And that's when I caught him.

00:41:58Guest:And I said, hey, man, listen, I just came in from Youngstown, Ohio, blah, blah, blah.

00:42:02Guest:And he said, oh, Youngstown.

00:42:03Guest:I said, yeah, listen, I know Martin Scorsese is doing this film.

00:42:06Guest:And I just wondered if there's any way I could audition for this part named Jimmy DeGent.

00:42:10Guest:Friggin' De Niro's part.

00:42:11Guest:So he says, blah, blah, blah.

00:42:13Guest:Barbara DeFeen is the producer.

00:42:15Guest:The producer.

00:42:15Guest:Was actually his wife.

00:42:16Guest:Scorsese's wife.

00:42:17Guest:His wife, right.

00:42:17Guest:At the time.

00:42:18Guest:Right.

00:42:19Guest:Long story short, they say the guy out here was doing it that did all the Rockies.

00:42:24Guest:What was his name?

00:42:25Guest:Stallone?

00:42:26Guest:Erwin Winkler.

00:42:26Marc:Oh, Erwin Winkler.

00:42:27Guest:So they were producing it.

00:42:29Guest:So I started getting a hold of them, blah, blah, blah.

00:42:32Guest:And I kept sending them.

00:42:33Marc:What do you mean?

00:42:34Guest:I would call them and say, listen, here's how I would do it.

00:42:38Guest:I'd say, hey, the lawyer, his name was Enloe or something.

00:42:41Guest:I have all the letters, everything.

00:42:43Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:43Guest:I said, he told me to call...

00:42:45Guest:And you guys are doing this.

00:42:46Guest:Well, we're about six months away.

00:42:47Guest:Well, I just want to send you a letter and who I am.

00:42:50Guest:And then I sent that assistant a little cast cactus.

00:42:55Guest:This way she'd always remember.

00:42:56Guest:So I kept calling them.

00:42:57Guest:They'd let me.

00:42:58Marc:You're the guy who sent the cactus.

00:43:00Guest:Yeah, I'm the guy who sent the cactus.

00:43:01Marc:So you could have gone either way.

00:43:02Marc:They could have thought you were a nut.

00:43:04Guest:Oh, they think, well, when I tell you what happened, they think I'm so nice.

00:43:07Marc:All right.

00:43:08Guest:Remember, I don't know what sides are or what a general meeting is.

00:43:11Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:43:11Guest:Okay.

00:43:12Guest:So I'm starting to do research into Jimmy the Gent Burke.

00:43:15Guest:Yeah.

00:43:16Guest:Because you got the part in your head.

00:43:17Guest:I think I got the part.

00:43:18Guest:I think, you know, I know this guy.

00:43:20Guest:Yeah.

00:43:20Guest:I go down to John Gaudy's place in Queens.

00:43:23Guest:Yeah.

00:43:23Yeah.

00:43:24Guest:Now, I don't, this is why I got this, because of naivete.

00:43:27Guest:Yeah.

00:43:28Guest:I want to talk to John Gotti.

00:43:30Guest:I'm down at Ozone Park.

00:43:31Guest:Yeah.

00:43:32Guest:You know where the hunting, fishing places?

00:43:35Guest:And there's these guys with the big necks that go, hey, is John here?

00:43:38Guest:Who are you?

00:43:38Guest:Yeah.

00:43:39Guest:I'm an actor.

00:43:40Guest:They're doing, you know, Martin Scorsese's doing this movie.

00:43:43Guest:This was before it was called Goodfellas.

00:43:44Guest:Yeah.

00:43:44Guest:And it's about, you know, the Jimmy DeGeneres.

00:43:47Guest:What?

00:43:48Guest:Well, I want to ask John a little bit about Jimmy to see, you know, what he was like.

00:43:52Fuck, what are you?

00:43:53Guest:What are you?

00:43:54Guest:Act like a fucking... Get the fuck out of here.

00:43:57Guest:What are you, fucking nuts?

00:43:59Guest:So I didn't know.

00:44:01Guest:So I started doing more research into him.

00:44:04Marc:So you didn't get to meet John Gotti?

00:44:05Guest:No.

00:44:06Guest:No, these guys... No, they were...

00:44:09Guest:That was it.

00:44:09Guest:Yeah, go.

00:44:10Guest:But what happened was I'm doing a club up in Yonkers.

00:44:14Guest:I can't think of the name of the place.

00:44:15Guest:Frank Jameko.

00:44:16Guest:You remember him?

00:44:16Guest:A big Italian guy.

00:44:17Guest:Yeah, kind of.

00:44:18Guest:He owned it with some wise guys.

00:44:19Guest:Yeah.

00:44:20Guest:So I'm there and I'm doing this research.

00:44:22Guest:I'm trying to find Jimmy's daughter.

00:44:23Guest:I went to prison to meet him at the federal prison in Pennsylvania.

00:44:26Guest:He wouldn't meet me.

00:44:27Guest:I'm doing all my research, right?

00:44:29Guest:How long is this going on for?

00:44:30Guest:Six months.

00:44:31Six months.

00:44:31Guest:six months did you meet his daughters i met the one daughter but here's what happened i'm in the club and this guy says come to me i want to talk to you he says you got to go for a ride so what he goes we got to talk to you they take me out in the car there's a guy in the back and i'm my knees are getting weak now because i said what is this he goes did you talk to jimmy the daughter and i go yeah she owns a jewelry place he goes

00:44:56Guest:You can't do that.

00:44:57Guest:Okay?

00:44:58Guest:We know about you.

00:44:59Guest:We know who you are.

00:45:00Guest:And I know they were partners in the club.

00:45:02Guest:And I'm thinking, they can't kill me because if they kill me, who's going to close the show?

00:45:06Guest:So I figured, you know, yeah, yeah.

00:45:07Marc:You're just going to get a talking to him.

00:45:09Guest:I don't.

00:45:10Guest:What do I know?

00:45:10Marc:Yeah.

00:45:11Guest:I'm scared.

00:45:11Guest:My knees are weak.

00:45:12Guest:If you ever had a gun on you, you'll know your knees are weak.

00:45:14Guest:They had a gun on you?

00:45:15Guest:No, but I didn't know.

00:45:16Guest:I didn't know.

00:45:16Guest:I thought I was going to get it in the back of the neck.

00:45:18Yeah.

00:45:18Guest:You read the book.

00:45:20Guest:I read the book.

00:45:22Guest:And I said, look, you guys know who I am, right?

00:45:25Guest:They go, yeah, yeah, we know who you are.

00:45:27Guest:You got to stay away from the daughter.

00:45:28Guest:You go down to Queens, you can't do that.

00:45:31Guest:They knew about that too?

00:45:32Guest:It's a small world, dude.

00:45:34Guest:It's a small world.

00:45:35Guest:So they know you, this is a crazy actor, comic guy.

00:45:39Guest:And you know what happened?

00:45:41Guest:I swore my mother.

00:45:42Guest:You know what they did?

00:45:44Guest:What?

00:45:44Guest:I knew they weren't going to kill me.

00:45:45Guest:They said, I want to let you go.

00:45:46Guest:Leave the daughter alone.

00:45:49Marc:Did you scare her?

00:45:51Guest:No, I was just asking.

00:45:52Guest:They're curious who I am.

00:45:53Guest:Who's this guy?

00:45:54Guest:But what did you talk about with the daughter?

00:45:56Guest:I just wanted to see how her dad ate, how he smoked.

00:45:58Marc:So you walk into a jewelry store and you say, tell me how your dad ate?

00:46:01Guest:No, no, no, no.

00:46:01Guest:But I say, hey, I tell her who I am.

00:46:03Guest:I says, I know they're doing this movie.

00:46:05Guest:I play it to each person, from the lawyer to Erwin Winkler.

00:46:10Marc:But were you telling people you had the part?

00:46:12Guest:No, I said, I'm going to be going up for the part.

00:46:16Guest:Which I'm not.

00:46:16Marc:So you cornered his lawyer.

00:46:19Marc:You sent a cactus to Erwin Winkler's assistant.

00:46:21Guest:Yeah, but wait till I do it to casting director.

00:46:24Marc:Okay, all right.

00:46:24Marc:So now you've talked to his daughter.

00:46:26Marc:You've been reproached by the mob.

00:46:29Marc:John Gotti's people.

00:46:30Marc:Yeah, for pissing people off.

00:46:32Guest:Right.

00:46:32Marc:Annoying people.

00:46:33Marc:All right, so what happens after that car ride?

00:46:34Marc:Do you go close the show or what?

00:46:35Guest:I closed the show and they told me, they'd spent a little extra time with me and told me how he smoked.

00:46:41Guest:They said, you know, I swear my mother, they said, you know what?

00:46:44Guest:You look like him.

00:46:45Guest:You mind as a young Jimmy.

00:46:46Guest:And I'm going, man, this is fake.

00:46:47Guest:You know, man, this is good.

00:46:49Guest:They go, just keep cool.

00:46:51Guest:We know what you're doing.

00:46:52Guest:It's all right.

00:46:52Guest:Everybody knows.

00:46:54Guest:Everybody knows.

00:46:55Guest:Okay.

00:46:56Guest:I said, all right, I want to close the show.

00:46:59Guest:You know, did the show and I stayed away from the daughters.

00:47:02Guest:Didn't go visit him.

00:47:03Guest:He was in Lewisburg's federal prison.

00:47:05Guest:Where's that?

00:47:06Guest:It's in Pennsylvania.

00:47:08Guest:Yeah.

00:47:09Guest:And then I get a call.

00:47:10Marc:But you did try to visit him.

00:47:11Guest:I only went to.

00:47:12Guest:I went there.

00:47:12Marc:But he wouldn't see you.

00:47:13Marc:No.

00:47:13Marc:Yeah.

00:47:14Guest:No, you got to be on a list.

00:47:15Guest:I think, well, I'll give it a shot.

00:47:16Guest:Yeah.

00:47:17Guest:I just wanted an audition.

00:47:19Marc:Yeah.

00:47:19Guest:So I get a call that, I'm going to tell you her name, Ellen Lewis.

00:47:24Guest:Yeah.

00:47:24Guest:She's a big casting director.

00:47:25Guest:Yeah.

00:47:26Guest:They said you had a general meeting.

00:47:28Guest:Now I'm talking with an acting coach.

00:47:30Guest:Did they know you did all this?

00:47:31Yeah.

00:47:31Guest:This is what happened, yeah.

00:47:33Marc:All right, go ahead.

00:47:33Guest:I go in.

00:47:34Guest:Now, I got an acting teacher that's helping me get ready.

00:47:37Marc:Alice?

00:47:39Guest:No, just some acting teacher.

00:47:40Guest:I've never studied acting.

00:47:42Marc:Where'd you find it?

00:47:43Guest:You know, like, it's in New York.

00:47:45Marc:Right.

00:47:45Marc:Well, there was a woman that used to work with a lot of the comics.

00:47:48Marc:Her name was Alice Spivak, I think her name

00:47:49Guest:Yeah, I remember her.

00:47:50Marc:Yeah.

00:47:50Guest:Yeah, no, no, no.

00:47:51Guest:This was some guy I found, and he would just prepare me, and he said, you're going to get one shot.

00:47:56Guest:So when I went in for a general meeting, I don't know it's just a general meeting.

00:48:00Marc:Yeah, you think you're up for the part.

00:48:02Guest:I go in with a 9-millimeter pistol, loaded.

00:48:05Guest:A real one.

00:48:05Guest:Real one.

00:48:06Guest:2,000 cash in my pocket, a pinky ring worth a couple grand a guy gave me, my hair is slicked back, and I'm in character, and I got handcuffs.

00:48:15Guest:Now, here's what I figure.

00:48:16Guest:I got one shot with this woman.

00:48:18Guest:If I don't get to meet Marty, then I'm done, right?

00:48:21Guest:I don't know.

00:48:22Guest:It's a general meeting.

00:48:23Guest:So she goes in, hey, we heard about you.

00:48:26Guest:Marty's people called us.

00:48:27Guest:They wanted me just to meet you.

00:48:29Guest:And I go, okay.

00:48:30Guest:I said, where's Marty?

00:48:32Guest:She goes, well, it's not that way.

00:48:34Guest:In fact, her lady in the back of her did all the Woody Allen films.

00:48:39Guest:So she was in the back of, you know, and it was some talking.

00:48:43Guest:And she goes, well, we just wanted to meet you.

00:48:45Guest:I go, when's Marty coming?

00:48:46Guest:I want to meet Marty.

00:48:47Guest:Well, no, this is a gentleman.

00:48:48Guest:I said, look, you could take this here.

00:48:50Guest:I show her the gun.

00:48:51Guest:Order 2,000.

00:48:52Guest:You're going to get one of them.

00:48:54Guest:And she goes, I think you should go.

00:48:57Guest:And now at this point in your life, you got six months in.

00:49:00Guest:So you put the gun on the table.

00:49:01Guest:No, I showed it to her, my thing.

00:49:03Guest:And I put the 2,000 cash.

00:49:05Guest:I said, take the 2,000 or a gun.

00:49:07Guest:I said, you can have it.

00:49:08Guest:All I want is an audition.

00:49:09Guest:And she goes, I think you need to leave.

00:49:13Guest:Right at that point, I was going to handcuff her to me.

00:49:17Guest:No, like I was going to, you know what I'm saying?

00:49:18Guest:Like I was going to handcuff her and me together.

00:49:20Marc:And get Marty there.

00:49:21Marc:Where's Marty?

00:49:21Marc:Yeah.

00:49:23Guest:Okay.

00:49:23Guest:You know?

00:49:24Guest:And she looked me in the eye and she says...

00:49:27Guest:You got to go.

00:49:28Guest:I go, well, where's Marty?

00:49:30Guest:This is just a general meeting.

00:49:33Guest:I don't know what that meant, right?

00:49:34Guest:Yeah.

00:49:35Guest:Mark, six months, I'm thinking I'm going to handcuff her.

00:49:38Guest:You make that choice in your life.

00:49:40Guest:Handcuff or non-handcuff?

00:49:42Guest:Yeah.

00:49:42Guest:I didn't handcuff her.

00:49:43Guest:I'm on the subway going back to Staten Island, frigging hair slicked back, all this shit, crying.

00:49:49Guest:Going, man, I spent six months of my life and I just blew this.

00:49:52Marc:Why, you should have handcuffed her?

00:49:54Guest:I should have handcuffed her.

00:49:55Come on.

00:49:56Guest:Is that what you were thinking?

00:49:57Guest:Yeah.

00:49:58Guest:You know, I would have got to meet him.

00:50:00Marc:They would have called the cops.

00:50:03Guest:Mark, I didn't know.

00:50:04Marc:Okay.

00:50:05Guest:It's naivete.

00:50:07Marc:Well, but it's funny that the thing you're pissed off about is you should have handcuffed her.

00:50:11Guest:Well, listen.

00:50:12Marc:They didn't even know you were in character.

00:50:14Guest:Yeah, well, I think, I don't know.

00:50:17Guest:I would say probably not.

00:50:18Guest:Well, I was scary.

00:50:19Guest:I had my hair slicked back.

00:50:20Guest:Right.

00:50:21Guest:I'm playing the A. Let me tell you something.

00:50:23Guest:I'm doing all this shit, you know what I'm saying?

00:50:24Guest:Yeah.

00:50:24Guest:Hey, you want some of this?

00:50:25Guest:You don't want it?

00:50:26Guest:How about this?

00:50:27Guest:Yeah.

00:50:27Guest:You're getting one of them.

00:50:28Guest:Yeah.

00:50:28Guest:You know, that type of thing.

00:50:29Guest:Yeah.

00:50:29Guest:And then all of a sudden, I got the sound.

00:50:32Guest:But, you know, you're on the cell, but you're going back and you think, Jesus, God, man, I might have blew this.

00:50:36Guest:So two weeks later, I'm like, you know, I'm really depressed, thinking I spent six months in my life.

00:50:40Guest:I get a call and it's Alan Lewis.

00:50:43Guest:She goes, is Bob there?

00:50:45Guest:Yeah, this is Alan Lewis.

00:50:47Guest:Oh, hi.

00:50:47Guest:How are you?

00:50:48Guest:Now I'm sounding like that.

00:50:49Guest:You know, like, she goes, hey, listen, we want you to come and get sides.

00:50:54Guest:What's that?

00:50:55Guest:It's something to read for.

00:50:56Guest:Marty will meet you.

00:50:57Guest:But no guns.

00:51:00Guest:Marty don't like guns, okay?

00:51:02Marc:Marty doesn't like guns.

00:51:03Marc:He doesn't like real guns.

00:51:04Marc:Right.

00:51:05Guest:Don't slick your hair back.

00:51:07Guest:Just come as you.

00:51:09Guest:No money.

00:51:09Guest:Don't bring no money.

00:51:10Marc:So did they do some background research?

00:51:12Marc:They must have.

00:51:15Marc:They must have realized he's a comic.

00:51:17Marc:He did all this stuff.

00:51:18Marc:But they don't know that you spent six months basically stalking the identity.

00:51:21Guest:Well, I come to find on here's how I did when I met Scorsese.

00:51:24Marc:All right.

00:51:25Marc:So, okay.

00:51:25Marc:What happened?

00:51:25Marc:So you get the sides.

00:51:26Guest:Well, no, I get the sides, I go in, and it's the part where they burn down the, it's the guy that owns the restaurant that they burned down.

00:51:34Guest:And so I go in, and there's Martin Scorsese.

00:51:37Guest:And I can't believe it.

00:51:39Guest:And I go, oh, thank you, sir.

00:51:40Guest:I go, I said, hey, man, you know, I really worked hardest.

00:51:43Guest:Yeah, I know, you're crazy, you're crazy.

00:51:46Guest:You're nuts, you're nuts, you're nuts.

00:51:48Guest:Because I told them what I did.

00:51:50Guest:I was telling them in California, or on Winkler, and he got filtered to Marty.

00:51:55Guest:And when I'm talking, there's Martin Scorsese, and I'm going, and he goes, you ready to do this?

00:51:59Guest:I go, yeah, I said, sir, thank you.

00:52:00Guest:And he goes, and he's like, you know how he talks real fast?

00:52:03Guest:Oh, you're crazy.

00:52:04Guest:You're nuts, you're nuts.

00:52:05Guest:You ready?

00:52:06Guest:You ready?

00:52:07Guest:So I snatch this fucker, and I pull him over to the desk like this, and he goes, no, no, no, you wouldn't do that.

00:52:11Guest:He's the godfather.

00:52:12Guest:You wouldn't do that.

00:52:14Marc:So I end up doing it.

00:52:14Marc:So who was it, an actor?

00:52:16Guest:Well, it was an actor playing Paul Savino's part.

00:52:19Marc:Oh, so it wasn't Paul Savino.

00:52:21Guest:Yeah, this is when I asked him, hey, come on, don't burn down the place.

00:52:24Marc:Oh, right, right, when you have to sit down.

00:52:26Guest:Yeah, right.

00:52:28Guest:I went in for that part.

00:52:30Guest:So I get done, and he goes, that was great, man.

00:52:33Guest:And I go, oh, thank you.

00:52:34Guest:He goes, listen, just keep yourself safe, all right?

00:52:36Guest:You got the audition now.

00:52:37Guest:It's okay.

00:52:39Guest:I leave Time Warner Building, Mark,

00:52:43Guest:There's no high, I can tell you, maybe when my first kid was born, how high it was because I got what I achieved.

00:52:49Guest:All I wanted was an audition.

00:52:50Guest:It took me six months.

00:52:51Guest:I was about four inches off the ground.

00:52:53Guest:I come out of there.

00:52:54Guest:I see the first guy walking in New York.

00:52:56Guest:I go, dude, dude, I just met Martin Scorsese.

00:52:58Guest:He goes, fuck, I give a fuck about it.

00:53:00Guest:He just kept walking by.

00:53:03Guest:So they called me up and they said, hey, Marty loves you.

00:53:05Guest:He's going to find a part for you in the film.

00:53:06Guest:And he did.

00:53:07Marc:It's a beautiful thing.

00:53:08Guest:yeah something else i mean you know it's just uh i don't know if i would i don't know if i would do that now i would hope not no but i'm saying the the the naivete knowing that this is not what you're supposed to do so that was your first big lesson in show business you're lucky you didn't handcuff her and get yourself fucking arrested again with a record

00:53:26Marc:yeah yeah third strike them out right you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah like in retrospect if you would have said fuck it because you had a real gun on you you had two thousand dollars you're gonna handcuff a casting agent they call the police and no the handcuff was only at the end no i know but you didn't do it and i think if you did do it they certainly would have called the police and he would have been fucking put away and i wouldn't have got that part no no you would have been in jail yeah did you have a permit for the gun no no

00:53:51Guest:No, I actually got a ring.

00:53:53Guest:Dude, I was in character, bro.

00:53:55Guest:I'm telling you, I had a ring that was about $3,000 pinky ring.

00:53:59Guest:I had the gold chains.

00:54:01Guest:I was really in character.

00:54:03Guest:I was really going for it.

00:54:06Guest:But all I wanted was, and you know, Mark, it's crazy.

00:54:10Guest:I work all over the country like you.

00:54:12Guest:People love that film.

00:54:13Guest:I mean, it's like- Oh no, it's a great movie.

00:54:15Guest:It's one of the best.

00:54:16Guest:They quote me, they know my scene.

00:54:19Guest:And I'm like, I've done so much stuff since then, but people, that's all they remember.

00:54:23Guest:So, you know, like, okay, good fellas.

00:54:27Marc:So let's talk about this one you directed based on the show.

00:54:29Marc:How is that available?

00:54:31Guest:Well, I have a, it's called Dodo.

00:54:32Marc:Yeah.

00:54:33Guest:And Jay Leggett, do you know Jay?

00:54:35Guest:No.

00:54:35Guest:Yeah, Jay was in Living Color, a little heavy set white dude from, we did these stories and put them together, had all these stories like these stories and figured a thread.

00:54:44Guest:Sure.

00:54:45Guest:And then I did the one man show and it was really successful because, you know, comics are, you know how comics are?

00:54:52Marc:Yeah.

00:54:52Guest:They're very.

00:54:53Marc:It was called Dodo?

00:54:54Guest:D-O-D-O, Dodo.

00:54:55Guest:That was my dad's nickname.

00:54:57Marc:Okay.

00:54:57Guest:So when I did the one-man show, I lost three people in nine months.

00:55:01Guest:My mother died on Christmas.

00:55:02Guest:My grandfather died on Easter.

00:55:04Guest:My dad died on Labor Day.

00:55:05Guest:So you either write about it or go to therapy.

00:55:07Guest:Well, I grew up.

00:55:08Guest:You go to therapy, they think you're crazy.

00:55:10Guest:Out here, if you don't go to therapy, they do think you're crazy.

00:55:12Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:55:12Guest:Like reverse.

00:55:13Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:55:14Guest:So I wrote about it, and it did really well.

00:55:16Guest:Great reviews.

00:55:17Guest:Even the comics would say, boy, this ain't your act.

00:55:20Guest:Yeah.

00:55:20Guest:This is a real show.

00:55:21Guest:I go, yeah.

00:55:21Guest:It was a real show.

00:55:22Guest:It wasn't my stand-up.

00:55:23Guest:Right.

00:55:24Guest:And we did well with it.

00:55:25Guest:And then I said, what am I going to do?

00:55:26Guest:I had some money in the house because I bought a house out here in 99.

00:55:30Guest:Yeah.

00:55:31Guest:And I said, either shoot it or take it on the road.

00:55:33Guest:So I said, let's shoot it.

00:55:34Guest:So we started shooting it as a film.

00:55:36Guest:I ran out of money.

00:55:36Guest:And then we put all the tapes together and came up with a documentary.

00:55:40Guest:We got it released.

00:55:41Marc:Oh, great.

00:55:42Marc:So can you get on Netflix and stuff?

00:55:43Guest:Netflix, you know, all those.

00:55:46Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:55:47Marc:You got a website too, right?

00:55:49Guest:Bob Golup.

00:55:50Guest:Yeah, bobgolup.com, B-O-B-G-O-L-U-B.com.

00:55:54Marc:And you've done some other film work and you've done some commercial stuff and you work with Tim and Eric a bit.

00:55:59Marc:Now, what's your relationship with them?

00:56:01Guest:They're great.

00:56:02Guest:I love those guys.

00:56:03Guest:I mean, they just gave me, I did a show.

00:56:06Guest:Oh, by the way, congratulations.

00:56:07Marc:Oh, thank you.

00:56:08Guest:I read about you.

00:56:09Guest:You got 10 shows on IFC.

00:56:12Marc:Next year sometime.

00:56:13Guest:Well, you know.

00:56:13Guest:It takes time.

00:56:14Guest:Hey, it takes time, but you got it, man.

00:56:15Guest:Yeah.

00:56:16Guest:What comes overnight, bro?

00:56:17Guest:It doesn't come overnight.

00:56:19Guest:You know something?

00:56:20Guest:Think about this.

00:56:21Guest:We're survivors.

00:56:22Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:56:22Guest:Do you know that?

00:56:23Guest:Yeah.

00:56:23Guest:No, people.

00:56:23Guest:People have no concept.

00:56:25Guest:They go, where's Bob Gullop?

00:56:26Guest:Dude, I got three kids, three young kids.

00:56:29Guest:I'm making a living.

00:56:30Guest:I'm still doing what I do, but I'm gonna tell you something, Mark.

00:56:33Guest:Honestly, if I didn't think I can continue writing and create, I would quit.

00:56:37Guest:I would quit.

00:56:37Guest:I would be a roofer and be happier.

00:56:40Guest:But I'm writing better now than I ever have because I'm a late bloomer and everything's coming to me.

00:56:45Marc:Well, you see, Mikey, I mean, guys that are nuts one way or the other, which is a lot of us, it takes a long time.

00:56:49Marc:You never know when you're going to get your shit together.

00:56:51Marc:You don't know when you're going to fucking step up and be a goddamn person.

00:56:53Guest:Yeah, but you were always bright, and I don't mean- Right.

00:56:57Marc:Well, yeah, that can work against you, too.

00:56:59Marc:No, but what I'm saying- But I didn't know anything about the business, like, either.

00:57:02Guest:Yeah.

00:57:03Marc:Yeah.

00:57:03Marc:You know, I mean, as smart as I was, I was, you know, I had a big mouth.

00:57:06Marc:I didn't I didn't play well with others.

00:57:08Marc:I was not a political person.

00:57:11Marc:You know, I had I was fortunate that I had a good manager and I was always, you know, kind of original.

00:57:14Marc:But, you know, I fuck I fuck things up.

00:57:17Guest:Yeah.

00:57:17Guest:I mean, we burned a lot.

00:57:18Guest:I burnt more bridge than the Nazis, you know.

00:57:20Guest:But I mean, you know, the thing of it is, is is.

00:57:23Guest:I just think that when you look at someone like yourself, you know, we've been around.

00:57:28Guest:There's a reason why.

00:57:29Guest:I mean, you know, I mean, I'm a hustler, but I write.

00:57:33Guest:And I got to tell you, it's hard now because as you know, I got three kids now.

00:57:37Guest:I got to go to the casino.

00:57:38Guest:They're telling me what I could do when I can't.

00:57:40Guest:And I'm like, won't you let the audience be?

00:57:42Guest:No, but I have to sell out a little bit what I've never did because I have to feed my kids.

00:57:46Guest:So I'd rather say, you know, fuck you.

00:57:49Guest:This is what I do.

00:57:50Marc:Right, no.

00:57:51Marc:So you have to say screw you instead of fucking.

00:57:54Guest:I can't do it.

00:57:55Guest:Like Chris Rock.

00:57:56Guest:Chris Rock could go out and do whatever he wants because he's Chris Rock.

00:57:58Guest:Of course.

00:57:58Marc:Right, right.

00:57:59Marc:No, I get it.

00:57:59Marc:But we're still around.

00:58:01Marc:Yeah.

00:58:01Guest:You're still around.

00:58:01Guest:You're doing great.

00:58:02Guest:Yeah.

00:58:02Guest:I'm still around.

00:58:03Marc:It's all right.

00:58:04Marc:We're all right.

00:58:05Marc:You know?

00:58:05Marc:Yeah.

00:58:06Marc:But what does really sell and not mean when you do a casino?

00:58:08Marc:You just can't say certain things.

00:58:09Marc:What do you mean?

00:58:09Guest:If I showed you, I should have brought the rules about what I got to wear.

00:58:13Guest:I can't use God's name in vain.

00:58:15Guest:Right.

00:58:15Guest:Everything they said, I did everything.

00:58:18Guest:I actually did everything opposite and I killed.

00:58:22Guest:But the problem is I'm in a dilemma now because I can't, I've never been famous enough to be able to do what I want to do.

00:58:30Guest:I do it anyways.

00:58:31Guest:Yeah.

00:58:31Guest:But it's hurt me.

00:58:32Guest:So my work is in, now I got three kids.

00:58:34Guest:I got a six year old girl.

00:58:36Guest:I got an 11 year old boy and a 14 year old boy.

00:58:39Guest:I can't go back to New York for four months and work what I need to do.

00:58:43Guest:You know, to get our training back and to write stuff.

00:58:46Guest:I can't just go on stage here like I used to.

00:58:49Guest:When I came out, I had a lot of heat and it just died out.

00:58:51Guest:I went back, but when you started having kids, what are you gonna do?

00:58:54Marc:So how do you make ends meet?

00:58:55Guest:Well, I do stand-up.

00:58:56Guest:I do some acting.

00:58:58Marc:Yeah.

00:58:58Guest:I did a comedy, Bang Bang.

00:59:02Guest:Yeah.

00:59:02Guest:I'm doing a movie now.

00:59:03Guest:I'm playing a serial killer.

00:59:05Guest:I'm starring in that, which is not hard.

00:59:07Guest:I'm a comic serial killer.

00:59:09Marc:Yeah.

00:59:09Guest:Like I kill a club owner.

00:59:11Marc:Oh, that would make some comics happy.

00:59:13Guest:Yeah.

00:59:13Guest:I kill a manager.

00:59:14Guest:Yeah.

00:59:15Guest:I swear to God.

00:59:16Guest:I kill an agent, and I kill a heckler.

00:59:19Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:59:20Guest:You know what it is?

00:59:21Guest:I'm going for the record.

00:59:22Guest:I'm going for the most kills.

00:59:23Guest:That's hilarious.

00:59:24Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:59:24Guest:I know.

00:59:25Guest:And in the ending, I got to tell you, it's really good.

00:59:27Guest:We're shooting right now.

00:59:28Guest:So I've done a lot of commercials.

00:59:33Guest:I've done TV shows.

00:59:34Guest:When I came out, I starred in movie The Week, Saved by the Bell, but it was a big film.

00:59:38Guest:I mean, I did like 10- So you're chipping away.

00:59:41Marc:You're making money.

00:59:42Guest:I'm making money.

00:59:43Guest:It's great.

00:59:44Guest:I'm happy to hear that.

00:59:45Marc:I mean, we're survivors.

00:59:47Marc:Now, what about this White House business?

00:59:48Marc:You went to the White House?

00:59:49Guest:Yeah.

00:59:49Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:59:50Guest:From Lucky Potatoes, man.

00:59:52Guest:I went, literally was broke, and I became famous.

00:59:56Guest:I don't know if you remember that.

00:59:57Guest:I sold raw Lucky Potatoes on the streets of New York and made a living.

01:00:01Marc:Wait, you were what, the peeler?

01:00:03Marc:What do you mean?

01:00:04Guest:You didn't hear about it?

01:00:05Marc:No.

01:00:05Marc:Oh, come on.

01:00:06Marc:I didn't.

01:00:07Guest:I was living in Staten Island.

01:00:09Guest:I was broke.

01:00:10Guest:I had no money.

01:00:11Marc:Yeah.

01:00:11Guest:And about three weeks to be thrown out of my apartment.

01:00:14Guest:And I remember Rick Avilis.

01:00:16Marc:Yeah.

01:00:16Guest:And I loved him.

01:00:17Marc:I was just talking about him the other day.

01:00:18Marc:There's a guy I saw down up in Grand Rapids, another black act.

01:00:23Marc:His name was Vince.

01:00:24Marc:I can't remember his last name.

01:00:24Marc:I feel bad about that.

01:00:26Marc:But he did that thing that Rick used to do with his lips.

01:00:28Marc:You remember when Rick was pacing a joke and he sort of pierced his lips?

01:00:32Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:32Marc:Like just as a habit.

01:00:33Marc:Yeah.

01:00:33Marc:You know, while he was waiting for the laugh, to build the laugh.

01:00:36Marc:And I was like, Avilis used to do that.

01:00:37Guest:Oh, that was my boy, him and Charlie Barnett.

01:00:40Guest:Right.

01:00:40Guest:I gave Charlie Barnett his last gig he ever got for $1,000.

01:00:43Guest:He ended up dying.

01:00:44Guest:That was down in Florida.

01:00:46Marc:They both died of AIDS, right?

01:00:47Guest:They both died of AIDS.

01:00:48Guest:In fact, when he did, I did Goodfellas, when Goodfellas, Rick did the thing with the Whoopi Goldberg, Ghost.

01:00:55Marc:Yeah, Ghost, that's right, yep.

01:00:57Guest:He died of a heart attack, right?

01:01:01Guest:I think so, yeah.

01:01:02Guest:They were shooting heroin.

01:01:03Guest:Rick was clean for a long time.

01:01:06Marc:He just got it early on, I think.

01:01:08Marc:Yeah, I think so.

01:01:09Marc:Charlie was pretty high.

01:01:10Guest:When I ran into him in Florida, he said, y'all, man, can you hook me up?

01:01:14Guest:And I said, I'll hook you up with a gig.

01:01:16Guest:They're looking for someone right now.

01:01:17Guest:I'll get you $1,000.

01:01:18Guest:And that's the last time I saw them.

01:01:20Guest:But I loved him.

01:01:22Marc:DC Cab, he did.

01:01:22Marc:Yeah.

01:01:23Guest:I just saw that the other day.

01:01:25Guest:And you know what?

01:01:25Guest:He was really good.

01:01:26Guest:I loved him.

01:01:27Guest:I loved Rick Aviles.

01:01:28Guest:These old guys.

01:01:29Marc:The street performers.

01:01:29Marc:Both of them started in Washington Square doing the street stuff.

01:01:33Guest:People don't know.

01:01:33Guest:For the people who are listening, these guys would make $300 a day.

01:01:37Marc:They were that good.

01:01:38Marc:Gathering a crowd and doing stand-up on the street.

01:01:40Marc:Amazing.

01:01:40Marc:Yeah, Chappelle was going to do a movie about Barnett.

01:01:42Guest:I heard something about that.

01:01:43Marc:But that was a while ago.

01:01:44Marc:It didn't happen.

01:01:45Marc:All right, so you're broke.

01:01:45Marc:You're in Staten Island.

01:01:46Guest:Yeah, so I've seen these guys, and we get to be friends because they're street guys.

01:01:50Guest:So I had no money.

01:01:51Guest:So I took this potato and sprinkled this lucky water from my grandmother's well in Pennsylvania and wrote my name, Bob's, on them.

01:01:58Guest:I went on the street April 1st, in fact.

01:02:01Guest:And I did it, and the New York Times did a story on it.

01:02:05Guest:Well, next thing you know, people started buying them, and the guy bought a potato, hit the lottery, and bought me a tuxedo.

01:02:10Guest:So I would sell these potatoes in a tuxedo tennis shoes in a battered suitcase, and people started buying them.

01:02:17Guest:ABC covered it.

01:02:18Guest:CNN.

01:02:19Guest:Lou Dobbs.

01:02:19Guest:This was before Fox bullshit.

01:02:22Guest:I was featured on CNN twice.

01:02:24Guest:World's famous Bob's Liked Potatoes.

01:02:26Guest:I was picking the market.

01:02:27Guest:And there was hundreds of people.

01:02:29Guest:I would make three, $400 a day selling these potatoes.

01:02:32Guest:ABC, NBC, CBS.

01:02:34Guest:They were arguing on talk radio if they would really bring you luck.

01:02:39Guest:I did everything.

01:02:40Guest:Joe Franklin.

01:02:41Guest:What year was this?

01:02:42Guest:This was 87, 88.

01:02:45Guest:I was doing a Tonight Show.

01:02:47Guest:Johnny Carson.

01:02:48Marc:The Lucky Potato guy or a stand-up?

01:02:50Guest:The Lucky Potato guy.

01:02:51Guest:I remember Paul Provenza and them were laughing at me.

01:02:53Guest:The guy, the potato guy.

01:02:54Guest:I said, let me tell you something.

01:02:55Guest:I'm going to go on the potato guy.

01:02:56Guest:They're going to remember me more than any of you guys because they're going to remember the guy with the potatoes.

01:03:00Guest:I had like a joke written like, I was going to give Gary Hart one just when he needs to get lucky again.

01:03:05Guest:Yeah, right, right.

01:03:05Guest:Had all the jokes written.

01:03:06Guest:Sure, sure.

01:03:07Guest:I think the director strike hit and then I didn't get off.

01:03:11Guest:But what happened was I was getting all this publicity, dude.

01:03:13Guest:And then Gorbachev came to New York.

01:03:17Guest:I got to Gorbachev.

01:03:20Guest:Okay?

01:03:20Marc:How did you get to Gorbachev?

01:03:21Guest:Because I was the potato guy.

01:03:23Guest:Everybody knew me.

01:03:25Guest:So here's how I met Reagan.

01:03:27Guest:I'm down in D.C.

01:03:29Guest:and Steve Douchebag, you know Douchey?

01:03:32Guest:You know who he is?

01:03:33Guest:From Fox in the morning.

01:03:35Guest:Steve Douchey.

01:03:36Guest:He was with the local station back then.

01:03:40Guest:And so he covered me.

01:03:41Guest:I was giving a lucky potato to the Redskins when they were playing Minnesota.

01:03:44Guest:That's when they had Doug Williams.

01:03:46Guest:They win the Super Bowl.

01:03:47Guest:Yeah.

01:03:47Guest:So I'm in there and I'm on the street and I'm getting potatoes out.

01:03:52Guest:We go to the stadium.

01:03:53Guest:Jack Kent Cook sees me on TV.

01:03:56Guest:He says, I'm going to give this kid 50-yard line seats.

01:03:59Guest:I got a VP.

01:04:00Guest:And then we go to the White House.

01:04:01Guest:Well, they won't let me in because there's security there.

01:04:03Guest:Who are you?

01:04:04Guest:I'm the potato guy.

01:04:05Guest:Reagan's not feeling well.

01:04:06Guest:I want to give him a potato.

01:04:08Guest:We feel better.

01:04:09Guest:They get lost.

01:04:12Guest:I go to that game.

01:04:13Guest:I get a call at the White House.

01:04:14Guest:I go down and I give a potato to Reagan.

01:04:18Guest:A lucky potato.

01:04:19Guest:And that's how I started headlining the comedy clubs.

01:04:22Guest:Really?

01:04:22Guest:Because I, dude.

01:04:23Guest:He's a potato guy.

01:04:25Guest:I would go to any, I would get more PR.

01:04:27Marc:God, I can't believe I missed this.

01:04:28Guest:Dude, I would get more PR than any comic coming in, even with names.

01:04:32Marc:This is before YouTube, before any of that shit.

01:04:34Marc:You were a national sensation legitimately because of news and potato.

01:04:37Guest:Unbelievable.

01:04:38Guest:If I, if it was, if that stuff was now, it'd be viral.

01:04:41Marc:Yeah.

01:04:41Guest:So I would go into say like LaGrange, Georgia or no, or like Savannah.

01:04:45Guest:Yeah.

01:04:45Guest:And I would get on ABC, NBC.

01:04:47Guest:You bring the potatoes with you?

01:04:48Guest:I would not only bring the potatoes, I would send it tapes ahead of time from news.

01:04:52Guest:And they go, oh my God, New York's covering this, DC's covering, we're going to cover it.

01:04:55Guest:So I'd go out that day, sell the potato and then get all this PR.

01:04:59Guest:And at the end of my act, I'd sell the potatoes.

01:05:02Guest:And I frigging made like a lot of money.

01:05:03Guest:Then I quit doing it because people started picking on me and I felt like a hack.

01:05:06Marc:Oh, people, comics started.

01:05:08Guest:Yeah, comics.

01:05:09Guest:Yeah, that potato guy.

01:05:10Guest:Yeah, Mr. Potato Guy.

01:05:12Guest:You know, this is before people sold CDs and shit, you know.

01:05:15Guest:But it was beautiful because it was so, it was such beautiful bullshit.

01:05:19Guest:It was bullshit.

01:05:20Guest:Well, no.

01:05:21Guest:All right.

01:05:21Marc:They brought luck.

01:05:23Marc:Okay.

01:05:23Marc:That's it.

01:05:24Marc:Do they still sell them on that website?

01:05:25Marc:Well, yeah, go to website right now.

01:05:27Marc:Do you make money off Lucky Potato still?

01:05:28Marc:Yeah.

01:05:29Marc:And he still, how do you make him lucky?

01:05:32Marc:You still dip him in the water or what?

01:05:33Marc:Yeah.

01:05:34All right.

01:05:35All right.

01:05:35Guest:Yeah, hey.

01:05:38Guest:Hey.

01:05:39Guest:Mark, I had a woman attack me in New York because when I was selling them on the streets, you know why?

01:05:47Guest:Why?

01:05:48Guest:Because she said it didn't bring them luck and her and her boyfriend broke up.

01:05:51Guest:She had a bad potato.

01:05:52Guest:What are you going to do?

01:05:53Guest:Bad potato.

01:05:54Guest:I said, I can't.

01:05:55Guest:You know, what do you want from me?

01:05:56Guest:I did this for three years.

01:05:57Guest:I made money.

01:05:59Guest:Plus, I was able to go anywhere.

01:06:01Guest:And people, you know, when I start being a really good comic.

01:06:03Guest:Yeah.

01:06:04Guest:And I let it go, you know, because, you know, I'm going to petain yourself tonight.

01:06:09Guest:I go more than you are, you know.

01:06:11Guest:And everyone started laughing at me, you know, like, go up to Lucky Potato guy.

01:06:15Guest:That's fucking hilarious.

01:06:16Guest:You know, let me just tell you something.

01:06:17Guest:What?

01:06:17Guest:Seriously.

01:06:18Guest:You know me.

01:06:19Guest:You don't really know me, right?

01:06:20Guest:Right.

01:06:20Guest:Be honest.

01:06:21Guest:Right.

01:06:21Guest:You just know me, but you would think I'm crazy, right?

01:06:24Guest:I didn't know.

01:06:25Guest:But I'm saying, but I'm a father with three kids.

01:06:28Guest:I don't think you're crazy.

01:06:29Guest:My wife is like, I'm so blessed.

01:06:32Guest:I'm so lucky.

01:06:32Guest:She makes great money.

01:06:34Guest:Not only that, I got my wife making more money and my six-year-old daughter making more money than me.

01:06:38Marc:Was she doing the acting things?

01:06:39Marc:Yeah.

01:06:39Guest:She's up for a frigging pilot.

01:06:41Guest:They want her to do a pilot.

01:06:42Guest:I'm like, wait a second.

01:06:43Guest:Hold on a second.

01:06:44Guest:My wife's making more and my six-year-old daughter's making more money than me.

01:06:48Guest:And I'm going, and I gave up my career for my kids.

01:06:51Guest:I mean, I'll be honest with you.

01:06:52Guest:He sounds like you're doing great.

01:06:53Guest:The potatoes paid off.

01:06:54Guest:The potatoes was a long time ago.

01:06:56Guest:Those kids just took it.

01:06:57Guest:But they're still bringing you luck.

01:06:58Guest:Yeah, but the thing that is, Mark, is I can't, if I had a choice, I'd go back to New York right now and perform every night.

01:07:07Guest:You know what I mean?

01:07:07Guest:That's like a fighter.

01:07:09Guest:You know, I'd go back.

01:07:09Guest:But, you know, I have three kids and I mean, I can't.

01:07:13Guest:So I'm kind of stuck between a dilemma of what do I do?

01:07:17Guest:But are you happy?

01:07:20Guest:I'm content.

01:07:21Guest:Yeah.

01:07:22Guest:I'm very blessed.

01:07:23Guest:I got three healthy kids.

01:07:24Guest:I got a great wife.

01:07:25Guest:I mean, I really do.

01:07:26Guest:My kids have more contacts than me.

01:07:29Guest:I'm going to tell you something.

01:07:29Guest:My kid the other day goes, last year, last year, not the other day.

01:07:32Guest:He goes, I was at this guy's house in Malibu.

01:07:35Guest:Bob something.

01:07:36Guest:He's a singer.

01:07:37Guest:He's got a son that sings.

01:07:39Guest:I says...

01:07:41Guest:Bob Dylan?

01:07:42Guest:He goes, oh yeah, yeah, Bob Dylan.

01:07:44Guest:My kid was at Bob Dylan's house.

01:07:46Guest:Doing what?

01:07:47Guest:Bob Dylan's son.

01:07:50Marc:Which one?

01:07:50Marc:The singer.

01:07:51Marc:Jacob.

01:07:52Guest:Yeah.

01:07:52Marc:Yeah.

01:07:53Guest:His wife is very good friends with my son's

01:07:56Guest:best friend's mother.

01:07:58Guest:They went to school together.

01:07:59Guest:So he's hanging out at his house and he's like, I'm going, dude, that's Bob Dylan.

01:08:03Guest:Do you know who Bob Dylan is?

01:08:04Guest:My kids have more contacts than me.

01:08:06Guest:I mean, I use them for play dates.

01:08:09Guest:My play date's very simple.

01:08:11Guest:The mother got to be good looking or the mother and father got to do something for my career.

01:08:14Guest:So I Google him real quick.

01:08:16Guest:You know?

01:08:18Guest:But, you know, I coach basketball at the Y with Mike Rappaport.

01:08:23Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:08:23Guest:That's my boy, right?

01:08:24Marc:Where at the Hollywood Y?

01:08:25Guest:Yeah, at the Hollywood Y. I like that one, yeah.

01:08:26Guest:Yeah, that's where we go.

01:08:28Guest:We bet on games.

01:08:29Guest:We play against each other.

01:08:30Guest:We bet games.

01:08:31Marc:He's a good guy.

01:08:31Marc:He seemed like you guys would get along well together.

01:08:33Guest:I was just with him last night.

01:08:34Marc:Yeah.

01:08:34Guest:That's my boy.

01:08:35Marc:Oh, that's great.

01:08:36Guest:Yeah, but when he was coaching the other team, you know how you come by and slap five?

01:08:41Guest:Yeah.

01:08:41Guest:He kind of got put the 10 in the hand, bitch.

01:08:43Guest:Yeah.

01:08:43Guest:And so we're walking by, and I'm putting slide 10 in his hand.

01:08:46Guest:I said, we're betting on 10 in 11-year-old games.

01:08:51Guest:It's in good fun.

01:08:51Guest:Yeah, it's good fun.

01:08:52Marc:10 bucks or whatever.

01:08:53Guest:Hey, but I lost.

01:08:54Guest:That's what sucked.

01:08:56Guest:I tried to pay the 10, you know?

01:08:57Guest:Yeah.

01:08:58Guest:But...

01:08:59Guest:No, but I mean, you know, I hear your thing, and it's so great to be able to come in and just do this.

01:09:05Guest:You know, and find out what people are doing, because like I said, you know, this Michael Patrick King and these guys, I hear what they think about me.

01:09:12Guest:You know, they don't know about me.

01:09:15Guest:They think, you know, I'm crazy.

01:09:16Guest:They don't know that that's just, that's how it was on stage.

01:09:19Guest:Yeah.

01:09:19Guest:I mean, if you grew up the way I grew up, poor, the only way you could defend yourself when people pick on you is through fighting or not taking shit.

01:09:27Guest:My dad just say, hey, don't take shit from nobody.

01:09:30Guest:He didn't know I was going to end up in the fucking entertainment business.

01:09:32Guest:Yeah.

01:09:33Guest:So now I had that in my head.

01:09:34Guest:Yeah.

01:09:35Guest:Not to take shit from anyone.

01:09:36Guest:There's one thing I do want to say.

01:09:38Guest:Yeah.

01:09:39Guest:it's about uh someone that came on here about coming out and talk about that sure all right i want to tell you something i might have mentioned this earlier a lot of people get picked on and first of all i have a a cousin whose son's gay and the father disowned him and i i said you got your nerve you're a fucking alcoholic okay i've never seen you without a drink in your hand leave you the kid alone he ended up going to australia met a guy

01:10:05Guest:But people get picked on for a lot of different reasons.

01:10:08Guest:Fat, poor, all kinds of reasons, gay.

01:10:13Guest:Yeah, stuttering, everything.

01:10:15Guest:Really, they do.

01:10:16Guest:And my kids are trained very well to not do that, to always help kids.

01:10:22Guest:So I've done a really good job with them.

01:10:24Guest:They're really good kids.

01:10:25Guest:Nobody should be fucking picked on ever because they're gay or anything.

01:10:30Guest:Yeah.

01:10:31Guest:Okay.

01:10:31Guest:And I'm going to tell you something about gay people, maybe in Midwest, but fuck.

01:10:35Guest:I live in West Hollywood.

01:10:36Guest:Fuck with the gays in West Hollywood.

01:10:38Guest:Now they will fuck you up.

01:10:41Guest:I'm not lying to you.

01:10:42Guest:They're in good shape.

01:10:43Guest:So these rednecks that are listening to this in the Midwest, come to West Hollywood and fuck with a gay guy.

01:10:49Guest:Not only will you fucking beat your ass, he'll fuck you.

01:10:51Guest:How about that?

01:10:52Yeah.

01:10:52Guest:I just, look, all I'm saying is that there's a lot of kids out there that, you know, maybe there's something that we can help to reach out for all kids.

01:11:03Guest:Right.

01:11:03Guest:Not just gay.

01:11:04Marc:Right.

01:11:05Marc:Just anybody.

01:11:05Marc:Bullying's bad.

01:11:07Guest:Bullying's bad.

01:11:07Guest:Maybe we should start a bullying squad.

01:11:09Marc:I think they have them.

01:11:10Marc:I think that's a big deal.

01:11:11Marc:I think it's a, you know, it's a very, because I agree with you.

01:11:14Marc:I mean, I don't know what you, I mean, I've been a bully in my life when I was younger.

01:11:17Marc:I know what it feels to be bullied.

01:11:18Marc:I know what it feels to be a bully.

01:11:20Marc:But you can really fuck a kid up forever.

01:11:22Marc:Right.

01:11:22Marc:100%.

01:11:22Marc:And it's a shitty thing.

01:11:24Guest:You know, there was a guy named George Salakis who died of an overdose of another one that went pharmaceuticals, by the way.

01:11:31Guest:Yeah.

01:11:31Guest:No street drugs.

01:11:32Guest:Is it a comedian?

01:11:33Guest:No, just a guy I grew up with.

01:11:34Guest:Yeah.

01:11:35Guest:And he was a big, fat, great guy, you know.

01:11:38Guest:His ass used to smell, you know what I mean?

01:11:39Guest:Yeah.

01:11:40Guest:I remember we were in grade school.

01:11:41Guest:This guy's four times my size.

01:11:42Guest:I'm picking up, sticking up, leave him alone, you know.

01:11:44Guest:I went picked on him because he was fat.

01:11:46Guest:He lived with that.

01:11:47Guest:And then he lost a little weight.

01:11:48Guest:So people don't realize what you can do

01:11:51Guest:to a kid, and they fucking carry that.

01:11:54Guest:These little things that you tell your kids.

01:11:57Guest:You know what's easy?

01:11:59Guest:Killing's easy.

01:12:00Guest:You know what's hard?

01:12:01Guest:Trying to hide pot from my 14-year-old.

01:12:05Marc:How's that going?

01:12:07Guest:That's not easy.

01:12:09Marc:But you've pulled it off so far?

01:12:10Guest:I'm pulling it off, but I can tell you this.

01:12:12Guest:Two years ago, I have a loft.

01:12:14Guest:I take a little hit mark.

01:12:15Guest:I throw it out because it helps me write.

01:12:17Guest:And I like to get high.

01:12:18Guest:But

01:12:19Guest:So he comes up for one of these play date shit and he says, he says, dad, what's that smell?

01:12:23Guest:I said, Peyton, what are you doing up here?

01:12:24Guest:You don't, oh, I'm just bringing my friend.

01:12:27Guest:I swear to God, he goes, what's that smell?

01:12:29Guest:I go, oh, that's my medicine.

01:12:30Guest:His friend said, my dad's medicine smells the same way.

01:12:36Guest:I'm reading that shit down.

01:12:37Guest:I go, that's funny stuff.

01:12:38Marc:Beautiful.

01:12:39Marc:Well, it was great talking to you, man.

01:12:41Guest:Hey, thanks for having me, Mark.

01:12:42Guest:I appreciate it, man.

01:12:43Guest:Congratulations on the IFC.

01:12:45Marc:And thank you, and congratulations to you for not being as crazy as you used to be.

01:12:49Marc:Thanks, man.

01:12:50Marc:All right.

01:12:55Marc:How was that?

01:12:56Marc:Was that a great story or what?

01:12:58Marc:Come on.

01:12:59Marc:That's our show.

01:13:01Marc:I'm glad you listened.

01:13:03Marc:I'm a little giddy right now.

01:13:04Marc:I don't know why.

01:13:05Marc:Go to WTFPod.com for all your WTFPod needs.

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01:13:16Marc:Get on the mailing list.

01:13:17Marc:I write things to you personally every week.

01:13:20Marc:I will do that.

01:13:21Marc:Tell your friends.

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01:13:23Marc:Tell your friends.

01:13:25Marc:JustCoffee.coop is available at WTFPod.com.

01:13:28Marc:Boomy.

01:13:29Marc:Boomy.

01:13:30Marc:Boomy.

01:13:34Marc:Goddammit.

01:13:34Marc:Who's just in here?

01:13:36Marc:Who's just in here?

01:13:38Marc:All right.