Episode 30 - Kyle Kinane
Marc:Lock the gates!
Guest 2:Are we doing this?
Guest 2:Really?
Guest 2:Wait for it.
Guest 2:Are we doing this?
Guest 2:Wait for it.
Guest 2:Pow!
Guest 2:What the fuck?
Guest 2:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest 2:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest 1:What the fuck?
Guest 1:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How's everybody doing?
Marc:What's going on?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:This is Mark Maron.
Marc:Welcome to WTF with Mark Maron.
Marc:How are you all?
Marc:Today on the show, we got a new friend of mine, a guy I worked with down in Atlanta, Atlanta, Georgia.
Marc:Thank you for coming out, folks.
Marc:Kyle Kinane.
Marc:Very funny guy.
Marc:I took to this guy because he's sort of a young comic, but he's an old crank.
Marc:And he's a great raconteur, I think is the word for it.
Marc:So looking forward to having him on.
Marc:That'll happen in just a few minutes.
Marc:Also an interesting guest.
Marc:I got a thing on Facebook.
Marc:Some dude claims to have known me in third grade.
Marc:uh he's gonna come on i've contacted him and this is a guy that i i barely remember quite honestly with you but i thought because we had such a success with uh talking to my buddy dean in new mexico that why not reach out he lives in the la area so so this is a a reunion with a dude that uh i knew in third grade so uh so that should be interesting
Marc:as much as i say what the fuck or as much as i say yeah what the fuck i'm finding that i don't give a fuck about things as much as i used to i cannot muster up the energy to give a shit like i used to it comes in waves it comes in flurries it comes in you know because i spent a lot of time as some of you know doing political talk and i can go a week without reading a goddamn paper and i don't feel any of the worst for it but then i'll get a manic wave of like i need to know what the hell is going on i'll get locked in
Marc:And there was a lot of stuff going on that I just didn't give a shit about.
Marc:I don't give a shit about Tiger Woods.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:I don't care about golf.
Marc:But as somebody who's supposed to be commenting on things, I thought, well, maybe I better develop some sort of opinion on this because maybe I should give a shit.
Marc:And last night I was about to go on stage and it was bothering me that I couldn't muster up the the fuckness to to really have a comment on it.
Marc:And then I started thinking about the reaction to Tiger Woods and what it implied.
Marc:And I thought that I haven't been paying attention to anyone else's take on this.
Marc:And I know it's old news already.
Marc:But it dawned on me that, you know, who gives a shit?
Marc:The guy's not a minister.
Marc:He's not somebody that is in some sort of position where he has to be righteous.
Marc:It's just this is something they put on Tiger Woods.
Marc:And I think primarily the reason they put it on Tiger Woods, I know he's a role model, but is he really that big of a role model for kids?
Marc:I mean, there are a lot of kids out there that are going, you know, I want to play golf.
Marc:I mean, golf is a, you know, it's a, it's a leisure activity of, you know, upper middle class people.
Marc:I mean, I know a lot of people love it and I don't want to knock golf cause I got enough shit for, you know, knocking guitar hero of all things.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It doesn't seem that don't, no matter what I say on this show, the stuff that gets the biggest reaction are things that I just throw away.
Marc:I called people who play guitar hero losers and I, and I, I think I lost some listeners to be quite honest with you.
Marc:Judging by the emails I got, people were like, you know, fuck you, you're going to shit on me because I play Guitar Hero.
Marc:I can't enjoy myself for a couple hours.
Marc:Look, do what you want.
Marc:It was just an aside, for Christ's sake.
Marc:But this golf thing and this role model issue, it dawned on me, and maybe I'm wrong, but I was thinking about Tiger Woods, and I was thinking about golf, and I think the reason why this whole issue
Marc:reaction is a bit disturbing that he's going to lose his sponsors that now you know the world is going to look at him in a different way maybe i mean a guy like that who had that father who had that much pressure in his life who has this all sort of hanging on his shoulders i mean he's gonna pop open somewhere he's gonna blow a gasket and need to do something bad just to keep himself in check and
Marc:People that are put up on pedestals and then tend to believe the pedestal they're put up on or have to maintain that position eventually will do something usually fairly dramatic and fairly dubious just to find some fucking balance.
Marc:But I think it's a deeper issue than that on a cultural level because I think that if you think about it, golf is a white sport.
Marc:It is the whitest sport, I believe, if I'm really going to think about it.
Marc:Maybe that and polo, which I don't think that there are any role models or sponsorships that are running to seek out polo players.
Marc:It's not a popular sport.
Marc:I don't even know if it's a legitimate sport necessarily, but golf is –
Marc:A white person's sport.
Marc:Tiger Woods got a tremendous amount of attention because he's not white.
Marc:Not only was he the best player alive or perhaps in history, but he was black and playing in a white person's sport.
Marc:So this is a he had to pass.
Marc:They had no choice but to let this man into the club.
Marc:That's the bottom line.
Marc:And the reason that he has become so popular and hence golf has become so the reason he is a household name, because who really gave a shit about golf?
Marc:I mean, we all know Arnold Palmer.
Marc:We know Jack Nicklaus.
Marc:And I know that there's a lot of people that love golf.
Marc:But golf became like insanely popular and in the public side because of Tiger Woods, because he was black.
Marc:And I think that what's at the core of the reaction to a lot of what is happening around Tiger Woods outside of the fact that, look, you know, he's he's the best at what he does.
Marc:He's got a lot of bread.
Marc:He's married to a beautiful woman.
Marc:And, you know, and he fucked around.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's not unusual.
Marc:Not unusual.
Marc:But I think the fact is that the massive reaction around like, oh, my God, Tiger Woods, it's it's as if Jesus had been caught doing something.
Marc:And I think the real reason is, is that culturally, I think a lot of people and I don't think I'm wrong in thinking this.
Marc:I think a lot of people in the back of their heads are like, oh, you see, he's just like the rest of them.
Marc:He's just like R. Kelly.
Marc:He's just like the rappers.
Marc:He's like, you know, like if I knew more black ball players that, you know, have fallen from grace.
Marc:I think there's a racial component to this.
Marc:Who the hell said he wanted the job of being Mr. Perfect?
Marc:It's tough being Mr. Perfect.
Marc:But I think there is a racial component to it.
Marc:And speaking of that, I got to be honest with you.
Marc:The biggest what the fuck I have had in the last two days is, look.
Marc:I don't know what side you're on.
Marc:I don't care.
Marc:You know, I've spent a lot of time talking politics, usually from the left, obviously, always from the left.
Marc:But I'm not carrying any water for anybody anymore.
Marc:This is not the kind of show I do.
Marc:But, you know, I was not giving a fuck about much.
Marc:And then President Obama accepted his Nobel Peace Prize.
Marc:Now, this is more than the audacity of hope.
Marc:This is just fucking I don't know where he finds the balls to do this, and I don't really agree with it.
Marc:He accepts the Nobel Peace Prize by giving a speech that basically says, look, I haven't done a lot to deserve this, but the one thing I want to say is war is good.
Marc:Thank you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Marc:War is good.
Marc:That's not just audacity.
Marc:That is fucking balls, and I couldn't believe it.
Marc:So I'll be honest with you.
Marc:I don't want to hear you Republicans complaining about anything anymore.
Marc:I think you've got your guy on that level.
Marc:And there's another thing that came up, and this is not insanely political, but
Marc:But there's always been this discussion about how did the right get people to vote against their economic self-interest?
Marc:Usually it was with religion.
Marc:Usually if you could scare the shit out of enough poor Christians to vote against their self-interest in the name of the unborn.
Marc:uh or in the name of some sort of morality you know you could sort of you know pick up a lot of votes that way because they didn't think the uh you know their economic situation didn't need an explanation as long as they were doing the right thing to get into heaven but now i've seen it it's trickled down into another area and i i found this to be a very funny moment that that the the new frame of uh of of how you know obama is being criticized around expanding the government and and and and raising taxes and and the uh
Marc:The bailout of the banks, which I don't necessarily agree with, is starting to replace some of the social issues that sort of catalyze the ability for poor people to vote against their economic self-interest.
Marc:And what happened to me was that I went to the Duane Reade drugstore to pick up some batteries or something.
Marc:And I'm standing on line next to, you know, behind a guy.
Marc:I could only see his back, but he had a hoodie on.
Marc:He had cutoffs.
Marc:He was wearing sandals.
Marc:He had sort of highlighted, matted blonde hair, and he reeked of alcohol and cigarettes.
Marc:This is not an uncommon type to see here in Los Angeles.
Marc:The kind of guy that looks like he may have lived at the beach somewhere, you know, in the area of 20 years ago, and now he's
Marc:He's wandering and he was buying a case of beer and having a discussion with the woman at the counter about the lottery.
Marc:And the discussion went something like this.
Marc:He said, hey, how much do you think they get, the government?
Marc:How much do you think the government gets taxes on the lottery?
Marc:And the woman, this little Latino woman, goes, I don't know, 50%?
Marc:The guy goes, no, not 50%.
Marc:This is a good guess, though.
Marc:They get like 33% of the winnings goes to the government.
Marc:Goes to the government.
Marc:So you win the lottery, you win a million dollars, you're only going to get like, what, like 600 and change, 600,000.
Marc:And then she was like, oh, that's a lot.
Marc:And then the guy says, it's not even worth it.
Marc:Not even worth it to play anymore.
Marc:If they're going to take that much money, I'm not even going to play the lottery.
Marc:So somehow or another, the tax frame, and it's probably a good thing because not the idea that the odds of winning the lottery are so far and few.
Marc:I mean, you're not going to win it.
Marc:But this guy had found reason.
Marc:uh because of the government's intrusion in the possibility that he might make a million dollars for nothing uh he's not gonna he's he's drawing a line it's a protest you know uh fuck it i'm not playing the lottery anymore if they're gonna take a third of what i'm gonna win
Marc:And so I mean, it's good that he's not playing, but I thought the the sort of the politics of the situation were kind of funny.
Marc:I'm going to protest.
Marc:I'm not going to spend a dollar on a ticket if they're going to take if I'm only going to get six hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Marc:It's not even worth it.
Marc:You know, fuck the government.
Marc:Spectacular.
Marc:I didn't even know what to do with it.
Marc:I didn't even know how to assess it.
Marc:I just thought it was great.
Marc:It's not worth it.
Marc:I can tell you a lot of reasons why it's not worth playing the lottery.
Marc:And the government taxing the winnings was really not one of them.
Marc:Like, you're going to cut into my earnings?
Marc:He's going to cut into my free money that I have probably almost no chance of winning?
Marc:Fuck the government.
Marc:If there's one criticism of the government, that was a new one to me.
Marc:Yeah, I'm not voting for that guy again.
Marc:He's going to cut into my potential lottery winnings.
Marc:That was spectacular.
Marc:My guest in the garage on this rainy day is Kyle Kahane.
Marc:Kahane.
Marc:Oh, did I say Kahane?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Did I say Kahane?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Why am I thinking Kahane?
Guest 1:You were trying to get a lot of Irish out of me in Atlanta.
Marc:Kyle.
Marc:Oh, you know who I thought of?
Marc:Corey Kahaney.
Guest 1:Oh, yeah.
Marc:She's a Jewish woman.
Marc:You're not.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Kyle Kinane.
Marc:Let me try it again.
Marc:My guest in the garage on this rainy day is Kyle Kinane, who I worked with recently at the Laughing Skull Lounge in Atlanta.
Marc:We had a good time.
Marc:I was trying to get a little Irish out of you.
Marc:I really wanted you, because honestly, and I'll preface this interview by saying...
Marc:We don't have a lot of history together, but we did work together, and it's rare that I see somebody or work with somebody that actually is his own thing and kind of holds the stage as a singular entity, whether he did it on purpose or not.
Marc:He's a character, but he's also a true raconteur, as they say, a man capable of spinning a yarn and doing it on stage, which is a rare talent that you don't see much anymore.
Marc:Well, I do appreciate that.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You are.
Marc:You're a storyteller, despite what you may think.
Marc:I know we all tell our jokes and we have our jokes, but I have not seen a dude say, okay, I'm going to start this bit and it's going to go on for eight minutes.
Marc:And I know from having bits like that in my life that if it ain't working at four minutes in, you got nowhere to go.
Marc:Oh, it's tough.
Marc:Because you're right at the narrative arc and you're like, this ain't working out.
Guest 1:If you make the choice to bail out, the audience is just, you've just bailed on everybody.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And they're like, aren't you even going to finish the story?
Marc:Not funny guy.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:It's not a story.
Marc:It's just tags.
Marc:I have tags.
Marc:You want to listen to tags?
Marc:No, but all of them have sort of a bit.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:I'm going to infuse it into the podcast.
Marc:I'm not going to ask you to do the bits.
Marc:We'll tell the stories if they come up.
Marc:But also, you talk about going to art school.
Marc:And I was under the impression, for some reason, I decided you were a painter, but it wasn't that.
Guest 1:No, no.
Guest 1:I went to Columbia College.
Guest 1:I have to say college.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:Oh, I went to Columbia.
Guest 1:Oh, New York.
Guest 1:No, no, college in Chicago.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:When I went, you did not need a high school diploma to get into the school.
Guest 1:Was that the reason you went or did you- No, I was a great student in high school.
Guest 1:I really took a turn for the worse once I got out of high school.
Guest 1:I never drank, touched drugs, straight A's, and then I waited until I had to pay for schooling to destroy all that.
Marc:But you finished high school.
Guest 1:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:I thought you said you didn't need to.
Guest 1:No, but I think the college's mentality was that they knew a lot of the people that they wanted to attract knew that high school was bullshit.
Guest 1:Right.
Guest 1:Like, oh, you want to be an artist, and you were obviously bored with chemistry classes, and you probably failed.
Guest 1:We understand that.
Guest 1:Don't worry about it.
Guest 1:You could still come here and flirt.
Guest 1:And I did enjoy going there.
Guest 1:Diploma not necessary, rebels.
Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 1:Come on down.
Guest 1:Exactly.
Guest 1:As long as your check clears, we are happy to have you.
Guest 1:And so how long did you stay in art school?
Guest 1:My educational history was a year of community college.
Guest 1:Loved it.
Guest 1:What is that like?
Marc:I mean, because when I fucked up in high school and I panicked my last year, like I got, I was a trouble student.
Marc:I got the letter sort of like, you know, Mark has motivational problems and this and the other thing.
Marc:And he's a problem.
Marc:And then I really started to panic because I was like, fuck college.
Marc:And then I realized that if I didn't go to college, I'd never get out of my parents' house.
Marc:So the last year I just locked in and did it.
Marc:I got A's and got in.
Marc:But I was going to go to community college.
Marc:We were looking at community colleges.
Guest 1:I loved it.
Guest 1:But it's a place you're supposed to, you go there and you're an idiot.
Guest 1:You start trying a couple drugs.
Guest 1:You wind up like me.
Guest 1:Is this on the curriculum?
Guest 1:It might as well be.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:I had a philosophy teacher, philosophy at community college.
Guest 1:Oh, man, when you're just starting to crack your brain open on stuff and then say things like, I think I lean more towards Taoism.
Guest 1:And then you have somebody say, it's Taoism.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:Oh, okay.
Guest 1:Yeah, that too.
Guest 1:That too.
Guest 1:I'm into that.
Guest 1:But yeah, I just had some strange farmer that was also a philosophy teacher.
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:Yeah, it was great.
Guest 1:It was like this weird, jolly Swedish guy with a big white beard and
Marc:Were you a guy that talked in class?
Marc:I mean, like, in philosophy class?
Marc:Because I remember when I was in philosophy class, I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
Marc:And there were these two, like, high-octane guys that spoke both French and English who would always get into it with the teacher, and I'd just sit there going, I don't even fucking know what they're talking about.
Guest 1:Oh, and it's just, yeah, it's, please.
Guest 1:There was one, because Community College collected such an array of characters, there was one guy that was just real intense...
Guest 1:You know, look like a skinhead.
Guest 1:Obviously, I wouldn't picture a racist skinhead signing up for philosophy classes.
Guest 1:Maybe he's trying to broaden his horizons.
Guest 1:But would just sit there and just insist that two-thirds of the population needed to be eliminated.
Guest 1:So he was a skinhead.
Guest 1:Yeah, well, I mean, non-discriminate.
Guest 1:You know, he's like, no, just get rid of him?
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:How many people?
Guest 1:We don't need him.
Guest 1:I know it's the Bill Burbit now.
Guest 1:He's like, just stop.
Guest 1:We don't need, we only need like maybe 30,000 people in the world.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:But his arguments, like I found myself going,
Guest 1:I still kind of agree with him.
Marc:But he wasn't being specific.
Marc:Like, let's start with the Jews.
Guest 1:No, no.
Guest 1:It had nothing to do with the race.
Marc:It was strictly a numbers situation.
Marc:I don't know where I stand on that, honestly, because I hear about the overpopulation problem.
Marc:But I still, as being someone who lives in America and someone who drives around America, I don't ever feel like things are overpopulated in the sense that even living in New York, I think that we're just badly spread out.
Marc:And that I think there's a lot of people that probably cause more trouble than they should.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But I think if we were spread out a little better, we'd have plenty of stuff here.
Marc:But you're more concerned with just the levels increasing.
Guest 1:My thing is, I don't plan on having children in my lifetime.
Guest 1:And...
Guest 1:Not many people.
Guest 1:Idiocracy kind of nailed it for me.
Guest 1:I know everybody says it wasn't the best movie, but as a point, like when they just talk about how the dumber people just keep making, just keep making more and more people.
Guest 1:They just sit around and they just screw and they just make more people.
Guest 1:And it's the smart couple like, well, we wanted to wait till we both got our doctorates and then we...
Marc:secure job would wait and wait and would never then would be too old to reproduce the people that would be necessary in this world and it's a bleak outlook i know i'm not preaching but i think i think also that we the sad thing is is that uh that dumb in in some uh schools of thought is also poor is that you know what you know the concern that some people have is like how do we stop the poor people from continuing to reproduce they can't afford to have their kids and the best way to stop them is just deny them health care and they'll all die off
Marc:But they never seem to die off.
Guest 1:No, no, no.
Guest 1:They have guaranteed their lineage.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:Evolutionarily speaking, they are the most adaptive because people who can adapt to extreme circumstances or poverty, they're the ones that physically can survive.
Guest 1:Well, and what's adapting?
Guest 1:The fact that you had 12 kids and some of them... Made it?
Guest 1:Well, yeah.
Guest 1:You're just playing the odds by putting as much as you can out there and hoping some of them take.
Marc:But I actually had an argument with a dude once years ago, and it's never left me, that basically the argument was...
Marc:is that money is part of survival of the fittest.
Marc:In my brain, it was physicality, that the propulsion of your genes into the next generation is determined by what you can survive, how much shit you can put up with, and just basically physical determination.
Marc:But he said that a woman who marries a small, wretched little, perhaps genetically deficient woman
Marc:billionaire is is actually engaging in evolution as well that despite the fact that his genes and his sperm may be useless or may create you know a bunch of uh of uh developmentally disabled or flipper children that nonetheless they will be taken care of and then she has just as much possibility as somebody she's guaranteed her her well-being
Guest 1:financially and then when that guy dies she can do what she wants to do regular genetically healthy children yeah yeah okay so then the argument see i hate even giving it to him now that he was right and it still doesn't resonate with me yeah survival just doesn't take on can i fight a lion it's can i pay somebody to fight a lion you know can i can i hire the best defense that's out there let's google lion fighters
Guest 1:And see what we get.
Guest 1:And see what they earn.
Guest 1:Also, like, why is it not to, I don't think I've totally changed you, but it's a celebrated thing now.
Guest 1:It's like these shows are just, I have 12 kids.
Guest 1:I have 18 kids.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:You know?
Marc:Well, now it's their break.
Marc:It's stardom.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Let's see.
Marc:I hope I can have as many as the Octomom had.
Marc:I hope I can.
Guest 1:And I guess, okay, well, it is the opposite of glorifying violence, but it's still kind of disgusting.
Guest 1:Switch from glorifying violence to glorifying abundant life, but it's still bad.
Guest 1:It's still not a good thing.
Marc:I agree.
Marc:I mean, I've talked about kids on this show before.
Marc:My brother has three kids.
Marc:He just married a woman with four kids.
Marc:So all I know is that I have a hard time with the idea that people who have children believe they're better than other people because they have them.
Marc:And I also, I can't talk to my brother.
Marc:I mean, it happened last night.
Marc:He called me, left a message, seemed like he needed to talk to me.
Marc:I called him back.
Marc:He's like, you know, we got seven kids.
Marc:We got all seven here tonight and we're trying to figure out what to eat.
Marc:I can't, you know, I can't even, I gotta go now.
Marc:And that was it.
Marc:So I lost a brother.
Marc:To that.
Marc:Do you have brothers and sisters?
Guest 1:I have a sister.
Marc:Do you guys get along?
Guest 1:Yeah, fantastically.
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:And she's older or younger?
Guest 1:She's younger.
Guest 1:Oh.
Guest 1:How young are you?
Guest 1:About a year and a half.
Guest 1:How old are you?
Guest 1:32.
Guest 1:I'll be 33 in a couple weeks.
Marc:Are you protective of her?
Marc:Did you have to go out and kick any ass for your sister?
Guest 1:Not really.
Guest 1:She's a lesbian, and she can kick my ass if she wanted to.
Guest 1:So, yeah, it's really kind of the opposite.
Yeah.
Guest 1:Well, that's interesting to have a lesbian sister.
Marc:I've had a couple of lesbian girlfriends, but I don't have a... Before or after?
Marc:Well, they were kind of half going in, and then I turned them.
Marc:You pushed them the extra way?
Marc:Yeah, they full-on were like, I don't ever want to go through that again, whatever that was.
Guest 1:Yeah, well, I couldn't be... She's been out of the closet for a while, and it was one of those things.
Guest 1:I come from a pretty blue-collar family.
Guest 1:in the Midwest, just outside of Chicago.
Guest 1:The fact that now, I was real defensive of her just when she came out.
Guest 1:I was really like, who's going to say something?
Guest 1:And now I get calls, and it's just my parents, they go down to Gay Pride Parade every year, and I get pictures back.
Guest 1:I'm like, my dad just drinking mimosas.
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:I'm missing out on such good times.
Guest 1:Not only has it been accepted, but she's more solidly grounded in reality to my parents than I think I am trying to be a comedian in Los Angeles.
Marc:Why can't you be gay like your sister?
Guest 1:I was like, oh, this was the year to do it.
Guest 1:I mean, there was a place with a balcony, so we didn't have to.
Guest 1:Because the first year my dad went, he's still thinking it's like a Fourth of July parade.
Guest 1:He's down there with a folding chair.
Guest 1:I just want to sit.
Guest 1:He's like, no, you walk around.
Guest 1:He's like, no, why can't we just find a place to sit to watch the parade and watch the floats go by?
Guest 1:He thought it was like an old small town parade where you camped out and watched it.
Marc:I want to see the Snoopy boy.
Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 1:Now they're down there.
Marc:The large cock in bondage balloon.
Guest 1:Exactly.
Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 1:And my sister rode on, she rode in the dykes on bikes.
Marc:They usually open the parade.
Guest 1:Yeah, but she rode a moped in it, too.
Guest 1:And I actually, I saw a picture.
Guest 1:I'm like, if you're not going to take this lesbian thing seriously, I can't support you.
Guest 1:Yeah, get a Harley.
Guest 1:Just her like making a mockery of her own thing.
Guest 1:Like, I'm on my moped.
Guest 1:Look at me.
Guest 1:Oh, that's cute.
Guest 1:So yeah.
Guest 1:So that's the, well, that's interesting.
Marc:So your parents, like your assumption initially was there's no way this is going to fly.
Marc:And they eventually just accepted it immediately.
Guest 1:It wasn't that I didn't think it was going to fly, but I was just, I was just instantly ready to be, you know, my dad fixed airplanes for decades.
Guest 1:Like that's his, that's his career.
Guest 1:You know, my mom's a homemaker and yeah,
Guest 1:It was not something that was... Wasn't in the wheelhouse.
Guest 1:Not small town, but also not big city open-minded.
Guest 1:It's like, well, this is going to be a new experience.
Guest 1:And it's great.
Marc:Yeah, it's completely... And now they're having a great time.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:And they're concerned about you.
Guest 1:Yeah, I think I caused them more worry about life.
Marc:You're kind of a... You're what we call a classic cranky guy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're like old school cranky.
Marc:You're prematurely cranky.
Marc:It's fun.
Marc:I, I, you know, I, I have, I have that in me, but I think you're actually, you're better than it than I, I ever was because you see, I, I went from cranky right to fucking anger.
Marc:I,
Marc:Whereas you seem to maintain a nice simmer of just cranky.
Marc:I don't know what you're like in your personal life, but I go from like, hey, this kind of sucks, to like, what the fucking fuck you?
Marc:But you're sort of like, you kind of stay into this kind of sucks and explore it a little bit.
Guest 1:But the angle, okay, the angle's like...
Guest 1:There's no fun in anger for me, but there's fun in bitching about stuff.
Guest 1:I'm not bitching about it to make somebody else miserable.
Guest 1:I'm like, hey, laugh at this thing that I think is dumb with me.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:You know?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:Instead of getting angry at somebody for acting like a jerk, I'll make a comment to somebody next to me like, look at this fucking guy.
Guest 1:Yeah, right.
Guest 1:It's fun.
Guest 1:It's joyous for me to be cranky about things.
Marc:Well, I think that is the best way to do it.
Marc:And I think that you should keep honing it.
Marc:Because I've met...
Marc:cranks along the way that drifted into anger and bitterness.
Marc:They have their character in place because they're endearing curmudgeons.
Marc:And it's a rare disposition.
Marc:But I guess my warning to you is because we were having a conversation in the house where
Marc:Where, you know, aren't we just being, you know, objective?
Marc:I mean, when people get, like we were talking about, you do colleges.
Marc:And your experience at colleges is what?
Guest 1:Well, here, I don't know how long I'll be doing colleges because they don't seem to like me so much.
Guest 1:What do you think?
Guest 1:I talk about how, you know, life is not, it's not a, it's most of the times an unfulfilling thing.
Guest 1:tiring journey and that's not what college kids want to hear they want to hear that it's a wonderful place that once you get out you make money and you and you and you're successful and everything is given to you there's presence and i'm there to tell them that their fifty thousand dollars a year does not guarantee any of that that's right nothing you're probably going to be shitty your your parents gambled badly yeah probably exactly right you know they they took a chance well i enjoy that to look at the things in life that i
Marc:But you're right.
Marc:And I think that's a very funny angle to play.
Marc:But I have found that there's a fine line between being cranky and being bitter.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And once you cross into bitter, I learned there's no way to make it funny.
Marc:And I never knew why.
Marc:And this is what I was going to tell you in the house was that, yeah, it is realistic to understand that life is full of challenges and failures and disappointments.
Marc:And you never feel as good as you did that one time when...
Marc:whatever one time you're holding onto, where everybody's got those things in their life, different sort of landmarks in their personal history where it's like, that was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Marc:That's not gonna happen a lot.
Marc:And you'll hang onto those things.
Marc:But once you start saying, why the fuck can't that happen again?
Marc:I mean, what the fuck is wrong?
Marc:So once you cross over into bitterness, and this is just a key to the kingdom in my mind, I tried to sell bitterness.
Marc:It's something that everybody related to, you know, it's one thing to be angry and disappointed and, you know, what the fuck is going on and, you know, and having that sort of baffled, stunned amazement and reaction.
Marc:But to actually, you know, resign yourself to I'm fucked.
Marc:There's no way to really make that funny because you isolate yourself, and it can't read as anything other than amplified self-pity.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:And everybody's experienced disappointment.
Guest 1:Right.
Guest 1:But not many people have truly given up.
Marc:That's right.
Guest 1:And so you can always relate to people.
Guest 1:Yeah, cranky.
Guest 1:I'm always still keeping somebody else in mind.
Guest 1:Even though I'm bitching about something, I'm hoping that I'm doing it entertaining enough for somebody to listen.
Guest 1:Because my friends that I grew up with,
Guest 1:there's nothing better than hearing them go off on something.
Guest 1:Because they know they're doing it.
Guest 1:Like, let's relate.
Guest 1:Just bitch with me about something.
Guest 1:When you're bitter, it's like, yeah, I don't even care if you're listening to me.
Guest 1:I'm upset.
Guest 1:And not everybody's turned to that point.
Guest 1:Right.
Marc:And you know, it's worse when you add condescension to the bitterness.
Marc:That is horrible.
Guest 1:If you add condescension to anything, it doesn't work too well.
Marc:I'm fucked.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:You people are too.
Guest 1:That's right.
Guest 1:Come along with me.
Guest 1:Which is not what I try to tell people at colleges.
Guest 1:I just don't want their hopes to get too high, you know?
Marc:Have you had moments where you're talking to them and you're just looking out?
Marc:You hear this from teachers all the time.
Marc:Just blank, mildly exhausted stares.
Guest 1:Or just looking at just the false glow of iPhones on their faces.
Guest 1:Just a sea of people just staring into the internet in their hands.
Guest 1:Oh.
Guest 1:Where it's like, I know you're not being, it's hard and it's hard as a community.
Guest 1:Well, I know you're not making noise and you're not talking and it's not, but do you realize that you look like you're trying to tell a ghost story around a campfire?
Guest 1:It's still not, it's still just as distracting to see somebody's face lit up.
Guest 1:Oh man, that's hilarious.
Guest 1:Are we just old men that are bitching?
Guest 1:I don't want to be the guy that's,
Guest 1:just bitches about new technology because I don't understand it.
Guest 1:I'll do it, but I still also want to make a concerted effort to go, no, this is how the world is.
Guest 1:I'm going to understand it.
Guest 1:These things are tools, and they're good tools, and they do make life easier, phones, computers.
Guest 1:But when I'm at a movie, is that okay now that people can just sit there with their phone and text during a movie?
Guest 1:The light's distracting.
Guest 1:Now, am I just being a curmudgeonly old man?
Guest 1:I need it dark and absolutely quiet to watch my movies.
Marc:No, I think that there is a sort of etiquette that has to come along with any sort of technological progress.
Marc:But are we outside the loop of that?
Marc:No, fuck no.
Marc:No, because a movie is supposed to be a communal experience.
Marc:And if somebody's distracting you either by talking... I was at a movie.
Marc:I went to see Precious, which was a fairly disturbing but very brilliant movie.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And we get there and everything's fine.
Marc:And then an entire busload of what looked to be almost like a field trip of inner city kids come in.
Guest 1:You're talking about black people at the movies, aren't you?
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:It was mixed.
Marc:It was black people, Latinos.
Marc:But they definitely looked like they had come in from a trip.
Marc:And one of them had a kid.
Marc:So, right.
Marc:So now we've got this room full of people that might be talking anyways, and it's shouting baby.
Marc:And I had to really sort of suck it up and go, but this movie's really for them.
Marc:You know, this is important that they see this movie.
Marc:And it's important that I see this movie.
Marc:But who brings a goddamn baby to the theater?
Marc:Probably a 15 year old that doesn't have a sitter or couldn't get her mother to stay with it.
Marc:And I was like, and that's what the movie is about.
Marc:In my mind, I'm like, this is really a community event on several levels.
Marc:So I let it go.
Marc:You got to let it go sometimes.
Marc:But you started out, like, I mean, from hearing you on stage, I mean, when you were a kid, you were a punk rocker, right?
Marc:I mean, to the degree that, like, I know you mentioned you had green hair.
Guest 1:Yeah, to the point where in the early to mid-90s, it wasn't like I was getting beat up out in public, but...
Marc:What was the story where, where you're in Chicago and, uh, I guess you were in a band and what is, tell me that story again.
Marc:Cause I just want to enjoy it.
Guest 1:That was, uh, that was being, uh, probably about, I was 19 or 20, still new to drinking.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:And, uh,
Guest 1:Went out the night before and we were playing at this place called the Fireside Bowl in Chicago.
Guest 1:What did you play?
Guest 1:I played guitar.
Guest 1:Oh, that's right.
Guest 1:We talked about that earlier.
Guest 1:As Cheech and Chong so eloquently put it, it's punk rock.
Guest 1:You don't need to practice.
Guest 1:Yeah, of course not.
Guest 1:I was never good at it, but I did play.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:And more posing.
Guest 1:I think I could be honest with it at this point in my life.
Guest 1:I was very posing a lot.
Guest 1:That's all right.
Guest 1:But yeah, we loaded up, we loaded in this place, and it was an old bowling alley in Chicago, and disgusting.
Guest 1:Got voted worst bathrooms in the entire city by New City newspaper.
Marc:It was just, it was... That was an actual poll they did.
Guest 1:It was, yeah.
Guest 1:Like, you know, best of, worst of.
Guest 1:Basically, it was kind of like the CBGBs of Chicago.
Marc:Not only would you not sit down, you didn't even want to stand in there.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:You just didn't, you just tried to avoid going in there.
Guest 1:I mean, it was always like, we're punk rock and just people peeing on the floor.
Guest 1:And it's like, why does punk rock have to mean?
Guest 1:Can we behave in the bathroom?
Marc:Can we not be punk in the bathroom?
Guest 1:It doesn't mean you have to like, and you don't realize that until later.
Guest 1:It's like, yeah, it's more of an idealistic lifestyle.
Guest 1:It doesn't mean that you just have to be a jerk.
Guest 1:Everywhere like such a like a catch-all excuse for being a complete asshole when you look back on it I got just free spirit doesn't care about what people think and that's still the way you describe an asshole exactly Yeah, yeah, you should care what people think you should be nice to people.
Guest 1:Yeah possible Yeah, so you don't have to be in people's face all the time But so we loaded in there and I was drinking night before and having you know going to Denny's at 4 in the morning Yeah, that's what you do when you're a young man and
Guest 1:yeah and uh and you're new to drinking you know you got to soak it up with something terrible yeah and uh went out uh we loaded and i i just i had to go like it was it was i was gonna it's like oh boy this is this is an emergency situation that's the worst we just i just sat in the car for an hour from our from our nice suburban homes to go play in the big city yeah and uh look i'm not gonna touch the bathroom i'm not gonna touch the bathroom in the fireside bowl and uh so i just set out on foot and like west side of chicago like that was still still a rough area it was still like
Guest 1:Like, oh, I'm punk rock.
Guest 1:No, I'm open-minded.
Guest 1:We're going to change the world.
Guest 1:No, stab, stab, stab, stab.
Guest 1:So you set out to... Yeah, I'm going to find something.
Guest 1:I'll find someplace.
Guest 1:That's the worst feeling.
Guest 1:I got two blocks to where it's either going to be here on the street, and it was just this full-blown Westside Cholo bar.
Guest 1:And I just got to the back, and...
Guest 1:okay so you walk in and it's yeah well it's just and it's true i just look down immediately i'm like i'm not making eye contact with any of these and you haven't shit your pants at all no no no but it's it's like it's i'm not gonna not do this i'm not gonna be afraid right and i just i get to the i just look down and just try to act like no act like you own the place act like an adult adult
Guest 1:And I just go right to the back, maybe the side of my face, but I get in the bathroom and it's just, it's the tiniest thing I've ever seen.
Guest 1:It's just a little, little tiny place.
Guest 1:There's a little, there's a sink, there's a urinal, and then there's a little two foot tall brick wall.
Guest 1:And then there's the toilet, the brick wall.
Guest 1:I don't know why.
Guest 1:It's like maybe if you wanted to pea splash your buddy in there, you're going to throw a little out.
Guest 1:I'm like, oh, no, see the little wall there?
Guest 1:Saved you.
Guest 1:Look at you.
Guest 1:Lucky day.
Guest 1:And I sit out, and a few minutes go by.
Guest 1:So you're just out.
Marc:There's a little wall, and you're sitting in the open.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:It's so tiny.
Guest 1:No saw.
Guest 1:Single server.
Guest 1:No, no.
Guest 1:Single server.
Guest 1:With no lock on the door.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:Great.
Guest 1:Because this is not a bathroom for using the bathroom.
Guest 1:This is a bathroom for doing speed or whatever you want to do.
Guest 1:Right.
Guest 1:You got to go, though.
Guest 1:And, yeah, I'm in there.
Guest 1:And I'm like, okay, all right, we did it.
Guest 1:We made it this far.
Guest 1:You know, we're not going to make an embarrassment out of ourselves.
Guest 1:And the door opens up because there's no lock on it.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:And a regular, a regular of the old West Side Cholo bar comes in.
Guest 1:a man that i can only describe as appearing frustrated from having run out of flesh to tattoo like like not like yeah like a real good like like when you see like gang members on tv yeah like oh like the central casting guys that fight like i'm gonna turn my life or like just eyebrows back forehead skull ears neck everything just just just his face yeah just his face was open
Guest 1:And it was really, I was like, ah, you gotta be fucking with me right now.
Guest 1:Like, this is how I'm going down.
Guest 1:This is going down.
Guest 1:I'm on his turf.
Guest 1:But he came in, and he just, it was quiet.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:And he, I'm like, all right.
Guest 1:Because, you know, obviously, I'm not going to say anything.
Guest 1:And he goes, he goes, I'll break the ice.
Guest 1:This is what the sad does.
Guest 1:He just goes, hey, you tucking a chit, man?
I was like,
Guest 1:It's like, I'm not going to be a smart ass.
Guest 1:No, I'm water skiing over here.
Guest 1:It's like, oh, yeah.
Guest 1:Yeah, I'm taking a chit.
Guest 1:I went with his lingo.
Guest 1:I'm not going to correct him.
Guest 1:It's not my place.
Guest 1:And then this is what I'll never forget is that I'm just waiting for it.
Guest 1:I'm like, at the very least, I'm just going to get punched in the face.
Guest 1:And this guy, instead, he just goes, okay, okay.
Guest 1:You know what, man?
Guest 1:It's Friday night.
Guest 1:Why don't you go ahead?
Guest 1:You push that fucker out for me, yeah?
Guest 1:And he approaches me and then posts up for a high five and high fives me while I'm on the toilet.
Guest 1:And I high fived him back.
Guest 1:I'm not going to act awkward about it.
Guest 1:And it was like, yeah, I walked out.
Guest 1:I still made no eye contact.
Guest 1:I cleaned myself up and I was like,
Guest 1:God damn, the world surprises you sometimes.
Guest 1:And you get real happy when stuff like that happens.
Guest 1:You're like, I thought I was going to die.
Guest 1:And instead I got high-fived by a man who was clearly a criminal.
Guest 1:Those are the things that delight me in life.
Guest 1:Those are the things I have to write down immediately.
Guest 1:Don't ever forget that this happened in your life.
Guest 1:Don't ever forget that these are... Everybody thinks an experience has to be like you climbed a mountain with a Sherpa and this and that.
Guest 1:No.
Guest 1:Spiritual wonderful things could just be some weirdo...
Guest 1:high-fiving you on a shitter on the west side of chicago still me are deep experiences yeah because it gave you faith it gave you hope it did it also disrupted what uh you might not have acknowledged as slightly racist yeah yeah exactly yeah my preconceived notions of what he should have done he proved me wrong i learned the lesson in that place yeah unless i i don't know what would have happened if you'd hung out
Marc:yeah and he kind of made he kind of did the high five and he's like all right and then you know made his way he didn't hang out no no it was like he knew he knew timing he was good with timing he's like no okay i'm gonna go that's funny man all right so here's what i wanted to do to finish up like i had this a notion that because you know you i feel like you're like me and you and like a lot of comics but i i can tell that you don't necessarily think in jokes so i told you to uh oh no to bring your notebook
Marc:And, like, let's just see if we can find a couple of moments that, like, defy the idea of what we are.
Marc:Like, I don't always write in jokes.
Marc:I don't even write in full thoughts.
Guest 1:Yeah, me neither.
Guest 1:Like, I go back and I'm like, I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what I was.
Guest 1:And it's always, as you're writing it, you're like, no, you know yourself.
Guest 1:Right.
Guest 1:You know what you mean by this.
Marc:Like, I have something here that it just says, and why would I write this down?
Marc:I don't even know where it's connected to.
Marc:It just says, the saddest man in the world.
Guest 1:Was that intended to be a joke, or that's just, here we go.
Marc:It might have been part of something that I no longer know what I was talking about.
Marc:And then right under it says, democracy is an old, tired whore.
Marc:Fuck anything for pennies.
Yeah.
Guest 1:I just wrote the words economy class.
Guest 1:Yes, always.
Marc:Well, when we talked about that, isn't that part of the idea that you're just in steerage?
Guest 1:Oh, yeah.
Guest 1:I've got plenty of just angry travel stories.
Marc:Here's one.
Marc:Look at this.
Marc:Yoga class laugh.
Marc:The polite laugh of sweaty women.
Guest 1:It's a haiku.
Guest 1:Yeah, but those are still complete thoughts.
Marc:Well, here's something more on the children front I just have written on one page.
Marc:The less than noble undertaking of populating this dying planet.
Okay.
Guest 1:Like, and how much, these are all ramblings of a crazy person.
Guest 1:If you just found these books, like mine is just filled with papers.
Guest 1:I get real emotional on airplane rides.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:Like to the point where sometimes I'll tear up and I'll drink, I've been drinking on airplanes too.
Guest 1:Oh yeah.
Guest 1:So if I'm sitting there and the right song comes on and I'm drinking and then somebody sees me just with empty beer cans and a little, you know, my eyes are a little swelled up.
Guest 1:Then I just take out this book that has nothing but napkins folded into it.
Guest 1:Oh yeah.
Guest 1:You just look like a lunatic.
Guest 1:Like how did you even get on an airplane?
Marc:Yeah, because I don't know the backstory.
Marc:No, this is what I do.
Marc:I cry and drink and write things in this book.
Guest 1:Yeah, all different penmanship, like I'm schizophrenic, like different personalities have made these.
Guest 1:I can't read some of mine.
Guest 1:Oh, no.
Guest 1:I had a whole thing.
Guest 1:This was Drive and Drink Home.
Guest 1:Trumpet solo squeak.
Guest 1:Favorite part like an elephant.
Guest 1:Short adolescence, long, awesome, full-grown life.
Guest 1:But don't the trumpet buttons have ivy inlays?
Guest 1:Oh, this terrible metaphor has come back to bite me in the ass.
Guest 1:Oh, wait, I think it's pearl.
Guest 1:Pearl inlays, yes.
Guest 1:That said, trumpet notes are like elephants.
Guest 1:I wrote that as a grown man.
Marc:I like that you had to correct yourself in the actual thing.
Marc:Like, oh, they're pearl.
Marc:You wrote the afterthought.
Guest 1:I have more fun writing.
Guest 1:I start writing and realize I'm an idiot, and then I write why I'm an idiot for what I thought.
Guest 1:And those are the best notes.
Marc:This one, I have a couple here.
Marc:How about this one?
Marc:Self-branding.
Marc:Create product, just can't get the branding right.
Marc:I don't know what, oh, here's how about this one.
Marc:I'm not better than you.
Marc:I'm different in a good way.
Guest 1:That's a good, no, that's a quality, that's a quality joke.
Guest 1:Crashed bike drunk.
Guest 1:I was, oh, that's right.
Guest 1:I was riding with no hands and no feet with UB 40s red, red wine on my headphones.
Guest 1:And then the note was, I'm either doing everything right or everything wrong.
Yeah.
Marc:yeah you're my what's it yeah i'm trying i can't read this one it says you're my best friend uh fuck i can't read that no i can't i don't know what it says scribbling of you're my best friend yeah these are suicide notes yeah i know suicide notes yeah uh
Guest 1:Do you ever have the blast of clarity notes in there that aren't supposed to be jokes?
Guest 1:Oh, yeah.
Guest 1:And that's just, this is how your life is.
Marc:Yeah, they all say, it's too late to go back.
Marc:It's too late.
Marc:Here's one.
Marc:Afraid we'll be obliterated by someone else's grief or pain.
Marc:We're all pretending.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:These are ominous.
Marc:Hilarious.
Marc:I've got to use more of these on stage.
Marc:That's what always happens when I read these.
Marc:Like, I've really got to get to this stuff.
Guest 1:I know.
Guest 1:This is the book that I write things that I really think out, and then I don't go back for a stand-up.
Guest 1:I have my tiny notebook.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:I wrote fall off the wagon.
Guest 1:That's a bad term because being on a wagon still sounds like I'm drinking.
Guest 1:A grown person on a wagon is still probably drunk.
Marc:My guest has been Kyle Kinane.
Marc:Got it right that time.
Marc:There we go.
Marc:Do you have a website?
Guest 1:Yeah, I'm running kylekinane.com, and then I'm dead, and it's all my fault.com is my little project.
Guest 1:Well, it was great talking to you, man.
Guest 1:Thanks for having me.
Guest 1:It's fantastic.
Guest 1:We got some real weird shit out of our books here.
Marc:Yeah, I think we got a lot out in general, and now we're going to go see if I... I spent an hour before he came, not in preparation for his arrival, but I received a tangine as a gift, and I decided today was the day I would cook in it, so let's go eat that.
Marc:I like it.
Marc:Yeah
Marc:So a lot of you know that I'm addicted to Facebook, and I have many problems with Facebook, and I have too many friends on Facebook.
Marc:I'm not complaining, but I want to add new people.
Marc:I don't know what to do.
Marc:And I always update my status, and I'm on it compulsively.
Marc:But rarely do I actually meet people that I actually knew from way back.
Marc:It hasn't happened that often.
Marc:And I've done something today where it just so happens that a friend
Marc:A guy I knew in third grade lives here in Los Angeles.
Marc:And he contacted me on Facebook.
Marc:This is Mark Salamino.
Marc:And I contacted him because we went back and forth with it.
Marc:And I said, shit, let's hook up.
Marc:I got this podcast.
Marc:So let's do it.
Marc:And this is the first time that Mark Salomino and I have really talked since third grade.
Marc:I mean, that's a long time ago.
Marc:It's like 1971, 72.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:Is it like 1971, 72?
Marc:1971.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, it's fucking weird, but I kind of remember you.
Marc:I mean, when he Facebooked me, I'm like, fucking Mark Salomino, salamander.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:Wearing salamander.
Guest 4:You used to call me Salamander.
Guest 4:You were the one who came up with that name because we were on the playground and we were doing the obstacle course with Mr. Tucker, the gym coach, and I fell down and you called me Sally Sally Salamander.
Guest 4:Salamander.
Marc:What was his name?
Guest 4:Coach Baker.
Guest 4:Mr. Chet Baker?
Guest 4:Not Chet Baker.
Guest 4:Tucker?
Marc:Did you say Tucker?
Guest 4:Mr. Tucker.
Guest 4:That's what it was.
Guest 4:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 4:Coach Tucker.
Guest 4:He was our phys ed teacher.
Guest 4:Our gym teacher, we called him.
Guest 4:Oh, I'm trying to remember if I... You called me.
Guest 4:You gave me the name Salamander.
Marc:I remember doing that.
Marc:I just don't remember if his name was Tucker.
Marc:I thought it was McFarlane.
Guest 4:No, no, no, no.
Guest 4:McFarlane.
Guest 4:McFarlane was he was a teacher's aide and a multipurpose paraprofessional.
Guest 4:He was a paraprofessional.
Guest 4:He didn't have a teaching degree.
Guest 4:McFarlane did photography.
Guest 4:He drove he drove the bus.
Guest 4:He did the crossing guard.
Guest 4:And if there was ever a teacher out, he would he would come in.
Guest 4:He would come in.
Guest 4:You he talked to me, too, about in third grade when when you DP when you DP'd me in front of everybody.
Guest 4:You de-pantsed me in front of everybody, which I know you were destined to be a funny guy.
Guest 4:You were totally destined to be a funny guy.
Guest 4:I kind of remember that.
Marc:But we were in Mrs. Webb's class, right?
Guest 4:Mrs. Webb's class, third grade.
Guest 4:She shared a class with Mrs. Oliver.
Guest 4:Mrs. Oliver and Mrs. Webb both had a classroom and we would intersperse.
Guest 4:Both of the third grade classes.
Guest 4:I mean, you and I were in Mrs. Webb's class.
Guest 4:You de-peed me.
Guest 4:in front of mrs oliver's class and they came in to watch i remember mrs oliver mrs oliver was also a third grade so what's up nothing man so you're just doing it you're here doing it you you were funny in third grade you know it's fucked up it's fucking wild right it's so amazing i found you man i mean you were like you were like you were like funny everybody used to laugh at me they'd laugh with
Guest 4:with you.
Guest 4:They laughed at me.
Guest 4:They were mean.
Guest 4:You were mean but not mean.
Guest 4:You paid attention to me.
Guest 4:You paid attention to me.
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:Well, that's because you, I mean, I don't... Facebook, dude!
Guest 4:I know, it's wild.
Guest 4:Can you believe it?
Guest 4:What's your status update today?
Marc:Yours are funny.
Marc:Yours are funny.
Marc:Yeah, I think I said something about unpacking.
Guest 4:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 4:Do you remember when you did the smear the queer game with me, the football game where you don't really play football, but everybody throws the football around and whoever gets the football, you smear the queer?
Guest 4:Yeah, I kind of remember that.
Guest 4:I thought I was gay for a long time.
Guest 4:I didn't really, because I told my dad and my mom, and you know that they're not all
Guest 4:altogether available they weren't in third grade but that's why i that's why i left third grade after that smear the queer wait i thought mark salamino i mean i remember like salamander salamino i know right but i thought you you dp'd me right but wasn't your dad uh didn't he pass away i mean i remember
Guest 4:No, dad did get ill and eventually passed away, but you might be confusing me with Shane Vricchio or you might be confusing me with Albert Heil.
Guest 4:Their dad's both.
Guest 4:Oh, yeah, Shane.
Guest 4:My father was homebound and my mom took care of him full time.
Guest 4:oh yeah and then i became homebound after after after third grade because um when when you know i my pants came down in front of everybody it was a hard it was hard for me to breathe i i it was funny it was oh my god it was funny but it was hard for me to breathe and they wouldn't let me come to school and it was good because my dad and i got to be homebound together after that and wait so you're saying that that because i pulled your pants down which i don't frankly remember that well that
Guest 4:it's all under it's water under the bridge it's a new day i don't even hold this against you no no no facebook it's like mark baron mark baron i can't believe it you're not you got a show mark salamino
Guest 4:Mark and Mark.
Guest 4:You were mad because you were the only Mark until I came into Miss Webb's class.
Guest 4:Yeah, I kind of remember that.
Guest 4:Did you like me in third grade?
Guest 4:You can be honest, you can be totally honest.
Guest 4:Did you like me?
Guest 4:Because I thought you liked me when you pushed me in the cafeteria, like pushed me to the front of the line and spilled my stuff on the floor.
Guest 4:I don't...
Marc:Yeah, I liked it.
Marc:I got to be honest, I'm having a really hard time remembering some of this stuff.
Guest 4:My doctor wanted me to read something to you.
Guest 4:If that's all right.
Guest 4:I was going to put on my status on your wall.
Guest 4:I was going to write it on your wall and give you a regular thing, but I chickened out because I'm a chicken.
Guest 4:I'm a queer bait.
Guest 4:But my doctor wanted me to read something.
Guest 4:What kind of doctor?
Guest 4:He's a therapist.
Guest 4:Therapist doctor.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I feel bad because I'm trying to put all this stuff together with you.
Marc:Dear Mark Maron,
Guest 4:Third grade was a long, long time ago in a city called Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Guest 4:You and I both were young and trying to find our way.
Guest 4:Your sense of humor may not have been fully developed, nor was my confidence.
Guest 4:And as a result, our worlds collided.
Guest 4:and inadvertently, you hurt me.
Guest 4:I forgive you for DP-ing me in front of Mrs. Oliver's class, I forgive you for tripping me in the cafeteria, and I forgive you for calling me salamander.
Guest 4:Mark Maron, I still want to be your Facebook friend, and I have moved on.
Guest 4:Mark Salomino, a.k.a.
Guest 4:Salomino.
Guest 4:Thank you so much.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Well, I'm sorry.
Marc:I'm sorry, man.
Marc:And I'm sorry I don't really remember you at all.
Guest 4:It's all right.
Guest 4:It's fine.
Marc:I mean, I remember Salamander.
Marc:I remember that because you wrote that on the Facebook message.
Marc:I think I'm pretty sure I named you that.
Marc:And you look familiar.
Guest 4:Well, I've had two, three surgeries since the fire, but still I know it looked the same.
Guest 4:Okay.
Guest 4:I tried to light my house on fire one time.
Guest 4:I was so upset.
Guest 4:What were you?
Guest 4:It's been hard, man.
Guest 4:It's been like...
Guest 4:They say if you get triggered before your amygdala transitions into your frontal lobe, there's some real damage that can happen.
Guest 4:And kids don't mean it.
Guest 4:You didn't mean it.
Guest 4:And they never do.
Guest 4:We were all kidding around.
Guest 4:Wait, so you think you set fire to your house because of what I did?
Guest 4:that's what my therapist and i have come up with yeah i mean not because of you no no no not because i mean you did you triggered stuff that was already there you didn't mean to trigger it mark you you're you know you uh
Guest 4:I don't know.
Marc:I mean, okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, I'm sorry it's been hard for you, Mark.
Guest 4:But it's been awesome getting back in touch with you, dude.
Guest 4:It's been so awesome.
Guest 4:Can I crash at your place?
Guest 4:I'm in L.A.
Guest 4:now for... I don't have a place to live right now.
Guest 4:I got socked in the economy.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:We could talk about it.
Guest 4:I mean...
Marc:I don't know if I... All right, let's do it off the air.
Marc:Okay.
Guest 4:All right, man.
Marc:Mark Maron.
Marc:God, Facebook, dude.
Marc:It's awesome to see you.
Marc:Mark Salamino Salamander.
Marc:All right, buddy.
Marc:Before we end the show today, I just want to reach out to you people.
Marc:A lot of you people know Jesse Thorne through his many shows, through The Sound of Young America, through Jesse Jordan Go.
Marc:You can reach everything he does.
Marc:All Jesse Thorne-related radio product is at MaximumFun.org.
Marc:But here's the interesting thing.
Marc:On May 7th through 9th, Jesse does this thing called the MaxFunCon.
Marc:It's up in Lake Arrowhead.
Marc:I've not been to it, but I hear it's great.
Marc:He basically...
Marc:rents out a lakeside resort and he invites people to come spend the weekend.
Marc:Obviously it costs, but it's all inclusive.
Marc:You get housing, you get food, you get a beautiful weekend away at a gorgeous place.
Marc:But here's the thing.
Marc:I'm going to be there doing comedy along with Al Madrigal, Maria Bamford.
Marc:Jimmy Pardo is going to be there.
Marc:There's going to be music by Andrew W.K.
Marc:And there's going to be classes and workshops.
Marc:There's apparently there's a craft classes.
Marc:There's cooking classes.
Marc:There are improv classes.
Marc:Maria Bamford is going with Al Madrigal is going to do a stand up.
Marc:thing where you can try stand-up and Maria and Al will point you in the right direction.
Marc:It just sounds fun.
Marc:And I'm looking forward to it.
Marc:I'm not a big nature guy, but I will be up there being uncomfortable, performing.
Marc:We're all going to do shows.
Marc:It just sounds like a great time.
Marc:And if you want to get information on that, you can go to maxfuncon.com.
Marc:That's MaxFunCon.com.
Marc:And I just, I encourage everybody to come up because it sounds, it sounds like, you know, groovy people, creative people, good times.
Marc:So if that sounds interesting to you, come spend the weekend up there with me and Al Magical and Maria Bamford and Andrew WK, Jimmy Pardo and Jesse Thorne.
Marc:And let's do this folks.
Marc:MaxFunCon.com.
Marc:See you there.
Marc:All right, folks, that's it.
Marc:Thank you for listening to WTF.
Marc:Appreciate your support and your listenership.
Marc:I want to thank Kyle Kinane for coming down.
Marc:And also it was very interesting to talk to Mark Salomino after so many years.
Marc:As always, please go to punchlinemagazine.com if you want to keep up to speed with anything comedy related.
Marc:And you can go to WTFpod.com for all your WTFpod needs.
Marc:And I really want to encourage you to get on the mailing list over there.
Marc:so I can let you know when I'm going to be in your town or Hamlet performing my little sketches and funny.
Marc:I'd like to see you guys out there.
Marc:And if you subscribe, as you know, at WTFPod.com, you will get a T-shirt.
Marc:And I'm on top of that now.
Marc:I think everyone's getting their T-shirts and their stickers and their cards.
Marc:I'm going to build out a little bit in terms of how we approach this situation.
Marc:I'm not pressuring anybody, but you can donate and subscribe and get the WTF T-shirt and stickers.
Marc:And I'll write you a little card.
Marc:So do that there, too.
Marc:A couple of other things.
Marc:Obviously, justcoffee.coop, available at wtfpod.com or justcoffee.coop.com.
Marc:Put WTF in the coupon box, get a 10% discount on that.
Marc:As I said earlier, there will be a live taping December 18th.
Marc:That's Friday at UCBLA.
Marc:That's with Sarah Silverman, Paul F. Tompkins at the UCB Theater.
Marc:You can go to losangeles.ucbtheater.com to see if you can get into that.
Marc:And this is sort of a long tease, as we call it in the game.
Marc:I will be at Laughs in Seattle January 15th and 16th.
Marc:And you can go get tickets for that at laughscomedy.com if you're in that area.
Marc:And I think that about does it.
Marc:I hope you enjoyed the show and I hope you have a good week.