Episode 299 - Retta, Brent Weinbach, Ron Funches, Rory Scovel, Jim Earl, Eddie Pepitone

Episode 299 • Released July 22, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF?

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:21Marc:All right, let's do this.

00:00:23Marc:What the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears.

00:00:26Marc:It's live.

00:00:27Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:28Marc:And where are we?

00:00:29Marc:Los Feliz, California.

00:00:30Marc:Los Angeles.

00:00:34Marc:How's everybody doing?

00:00:37Marc:All right.

00:00:38Marc:I'm Mark Maron.

00:00:39Marc:This is my show.

00:00:40Marc:We have a good show.

00:00:41Marc:I'm very thrilled that you're all here.

00:00:43Marc:I brought coffee.

00:00:44Marc:I brought WTF blend coffee.

00:00:46Marc:This is not a promotion.

00:00:50Marc:It honestly isn't.

00:00:51Marc:These fuckers have taken it apart.

00:00:54Marc:There was a point where I was like, could you guys send a little more coffee?

00:00:58Marc:I swear to God, it's coming like every two weeks, like nine bags.

00:01:02Marc:But given that it's not a plug, you can get justcoffee.coop at wtfpod.com.

00:01:08Marc:I had a very profoundly disturbing moment where I'm like, today I said, I don't think I have any more tweets in me.

00:01:15LAUGHTER

00:01:15Marc:And it was real.

00:01:17Marc:I'm like, I can't half-heart these.

00:01:19Marc:If I'm not into the tweet, I shouldn't just put it out there.

00:01:22Marc:I've got to get behind every fucking tweet, or what's the point?

00:01:27Marc:I wish I was kidding you that I didn't have that moment.

00:01:30Marc:One thing I'd like to ask, and I'd like courage here, and I want to know if they're there.

00:01:35Marc:Now, look, I don't mind a stalker occasionally.

00:01:39LAUGHTER

00:01:39Marc:But this happened the other day.

00:01:41Marc:Jess and I, we were driving up to the house and there was a WTF sticker on the wall of my house.

00:01:48Marc:I did not put it there.

00:01:53Marc:And she peeled it off and brought it in.

00:01:54Marc:She's like, who is this?

00:01:56Marc:And someone had literally said, I don't remember what the names were like, just like BZ from Boston and somebody else.

00:02:02Marc:So that means that it wasn't a hostile stocking, but that means that some fan found my address and just drove by my house and decided like, hey, fuck, let's let him know we're here and creep him out with a sticker.

00:02:16Yeah.

00:02:17Marc:Are you here?

00:02:18Marc:Own it.

00:02:23Marc:It's okay.

00:02:25Marc:Come on.

00:02:27Marc:Really.

00:02:28Marc:So you just came from Boston.

00:02:29Marc:Did you drive by my house two days ago?

00:02:36Marc:I mean, I have got to be okay with that on some level, right?

00:02:39Marc:I mean, they didn't come to the door.

00:02:40Marc:And I know I don't have any boundaries.

00:02:43Marc:I don't even respect the fourth wall.

00:02:45Marc:I was just sitting up here minding my business pre-show, and I got a cake pop, and a lady took a picture with me.

00:02:51Marc:Is that normal?

00:02:53Marc:So, no, I appreciate the cake pop.

00:02:55Marc:Did you see what that woman did?

00:02:56Marc:She brought me a cake pop, told me she also had eating problems, and I took it out of the bag.

00:03:00Marc:I took a bite out of it.

00:03:01Marc:She goes, I can't believe you fucking ate it.

00:03:05Marc:And then she said, let me eat the rest, and I did.

00:03:10Marc:Is that a healthy relationship that happened in three seconds?

00:03:16Marc:It's not that cool that you come by my house.

00:03:22Marc:But if your house is in your name, people can find your fucking house.

00:03:26Marc:Don't go look it up now.

00:03:27Marc:I'm not encouraging this.

00:03:29Marc:But let me just put this out there.

00:03:30Marc:If you come by my house, don't leave anything.

00:03:33Marc:Even if it's a fun thing, don't leave it.

00:03:35Marc:I'd rather just assume you're not coming by my house.

00:03:38Marc:Is that a reasonable request to make?

00:03:40Marc:Because I don't know what I'd do if someone knocked on the door and said, hey, man, we're just, you know.

00:03:49Marc:But I would probably go, oh, cool, okay.

00:03:52Marc:So why don't we just sit down on the porch so you can figure out what the hell you're going to do while you're here.

00:03:58Marc:I gotta get some boundaries.

00:04:01Marc:This is how sad it's gotten with me.

00:04:02Marc:I ordered from a Thai restaurant in my neighborhood that I knew was shitty, but I hadn't eaten there in five years, so you always hold on to some weird hope.

00:04:09Marc:It's like, maybe they got better.

00:04:10Marc:How is that fucking possible?

00:04:14Marc:So we order this food, and she goes, Jeff picks it up and brings it home.

00:04:19Marc:And they were Thai, you know, the spring rolls?

00:04:22Marc:You know, the cold ones that are fun, usually?

00:04:25Marc:Brown lettuce inside.

00:04:26Marc:First of all, well, yeah, but there shouldn't even be lettuce in there.

00:04:29Marc:At all.

00:04:31Marc:Why is there fucking lettuce in there?

00:04:32Marc:Don't they usually, it's not lettuce, right?

00:04:33Marc:Am I wrong?

00:04:34Marc:So, but they had garnished it with perfectly reasonable looking lettuce, but inside the spring well was shitty brown lettuce.

00:04:41Marc:And there was no denying it.

00:04:42Marc:You open it up, it's like, that's shitty brown lettuce.

00:04:45Marc:And I'm like, that's so fucked up.

00:04:46Marc:I mean, but in my mind, it was like, where's your integrity as a people?

00:04:50Marc:You know, like, they're representing Thai food, they're representing Thailand, and they're feeding us this shit.

00:04:56Marc:How do they live with themselves?

00:04:59Marc:That's where I went immediately.

00:05:02Marc:And Jess was like, let's just not go there again.

00:05:05Marc:No, fuck that.

00:05:06Marc:Fuck that.

00:05:07Marc:I'm going down there.

00:05:09Marc:So I put pants on.

00:05:11Marc:Because I knew it was going to be embarrassing enough for me just to walk in at the level of anger I was at.

00:05:18Marc:To do it with no pants would just be hilarious.

00:05:21Marc:And I wanted to have an impact.

00:05:23Marc:I didn't want to be looked at as that kind of crazy person.

00:05:25Marc:There's a guy with no pants angry about his spring rolls.

00:05:29Marc:Not that guy.

00:05:30Marc:So I went in there, and it was packed, and they had, like, nine people working there, and I walked up to the counter, and I'm like, these spring rolls are disgusting.

00:05:38Marc:You should be ashamed of yourself.

00:05:40Marc:There's fucking brown lettuce in there.

00:05:42Marc:How does that even happen?

00:05:45Marc:And other people were looking at me.

00:05:46Marc:You know, it's right by a college, which is why they're in business, because college students don't give a fuck.

00:05:50Marc:They just want it to be open.

00:05:52Marc:So...

00:05:54Marc:I mean, you'd eat Pad Thai if it was peed on in college.

00:05:58Marc:You'd just be like, it's all right, man.

00:05:59Marc:I know it tastes weird.

00:06:00Marc:But, um...

00:06:04Marc:So this lady brings it back to the chef who actually argues with her.

00:06:08Marc:He looks at the brown lettuce and he's like... You know, which is... I'm not mocking Thai, I just can't do it.

00:06:13Marc:I think it would be worse if I tried to do a Thai accent.

00:06:17Marc:So I'm just going with the tone I heard.

00:06:19Marc:And he looks in these spring rolls and then he goes into the refrigerator and holds up a handful of spring rolls.

00:06:26Marc:He's like... I'm like, what the fuck just happened back there?

00:06:30Marc:Was he just saying, like, we have these?

00:06:33Marc:You know... But I figured out what it was, is they pre-made them, so the lettuce was... Who knows how long they've been sitting in there, so the lettuce got all shitty and brown.

00:06:44Marc:And after he held up a handful of sprinkles, the woman comes back and says, we don't have any more.

00:06:51Marc:So I said, I want my fucking money back.

00:06:53Marc:And they gladly gave it to me.

00:06:55Marc:Anyways, let's read some emails.

00:07:00Marc:Just a thought...

00:07:03Marc:As I read a book to my young kids about a duck, I thought, what the fucklings?

00:07:11Marc:So there you go.

00:07:11Marc:This one was kind of interesting and poetic, but I think it closes beautifully.

00:07:22Marc:Gravity is the subject line.

00:07:25Marc:Hi, Mark.

00:07:26Marc:I've always held the greatest respect and admiration for those who work with gravity.

00:07:35Marc:These are the ball carriers, the risk-takers, and the self-starters.

00:07:39Marc:They consistently have to review their position.

00:07:42Marc:They check, double-check, and cross-check themselves on a consistent basis.

00:07:46Marc:Why?

00:07:46Marc:Because gravity doesn't give a shit what you have done, who you are, what you know, and where you are going.

00:07:53Marc:Gravity will slap you down with no notice or direct your force in its direction.

00:07:59Marc:I have followed your career for many years.

00:08:00Marc:I'm 54 years old, and I have watched your rise, your darker times, and rise again.

00:08:06Marc:I couldn't be happier for you.

00:08:08Marc:Your WTF podcast is exceptional, and you not only found your voice, you have found a real voice that resonates with your listeners.

00:08:14Marc:I hope for you a happy, healthy, and wealthy life ahead.

00:08:18Marc:As someone who works with gravity,

00:08:24Marc:You know not to give yourself too much importance.

00:08:27Marc:Acknowledge your mistakes and to always look for center.

00:08:30Marc:That's what people who work with gravity have to do.

00:08:33Marc:Warm regards, Bruce.

00:08:35Marc:Captain, United Airlines.

00:08:45Marc:That was so worth it.

00:08:49Marc:But I think this should be, like, this is sort of a broad buffet of people who listen to my show.

00:08:53Marc:That's why I like reading emails.

00:08:55Marc:Can't you see the lost headphones are merely forced giving?

00:09:01Marc:If you're not up to speed, I lost my earphones on a plane.

00:09:05Marc:And this guy wrote this, like, within seconds of hearing it.

00:09:09Marc:Hey, Mark, Lou here, your number one Brazilian fan.

00:09:13Yeah.

00:09:14Marc:How can you complain about losing your headphones and then three seconds later say that you need to give more?

00:09:19Marc:Don't you see the headphones were just a way for the universe to force you to give something back?

00:09:24Marc:Since you've been receiving so many great things, there's no receiving without giving in this world, and there's no procrastinating the giving part.

00:09:31Marc:If you leave it up for the universe, it will simply take stuff from you.

00:09:37Marc:How about the guy who found your headphones?

00:09:40Marc:Maybe he was having the shittiest day.

00:09:41Marc:Maybe he's been putting up with so much bullshit that the universe just said, hey, here you go, and placed the brand new headphones in front of him, and that was the only thing that kept him from killing himself that day.

00:09:55Marc:Can you imagine?

00:09:56Marc:It's perfectly possible.

00:09:57Marc:I mean, somebody found them.

00:09:59Marc:Let go, man.

00:10:04Marc:Enjoy the ride.

00:10:05Marc:Remember having to break into your old boss's office to record a podcast you had no idea would turn out the way it did, and it was just a few rounds around the sun ago.

00:10:15Marc:Still love the show and still feel very special for having you read my story on episode 40.

00:10:20Marc:If you want to know, my divorce's been great.

00:10:25Marc:It's been four months, but seems like a lifetime.

00:10:27Marc:Been sleeping with a lot of people.

00:10:32Marc:And then, in quotes, he says, people, not just women.

00:10:37Marc:Yeah.

00:10:40Marc:Take care, man.

00:10:41Marc:Lou.

00:10:42Marc:No fucking subject.

00:10:46Marc:He wrote that.

00:10:50Marc:Mark, I've been riding the fence on writing this email for months.

00:10:53Marc:I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've spent many sober moments contemplating what I would say and if it would be as intelligible as the wonderfully written emails you choose to read on air.

00:11:01Marc:I can't take the stress of not writing anymore.

00:11:06Marc:So I've come to the point of not really caring about being clever or funny and just decided to write.

00:11:11Marc:My cat just bit the shit out of me.

00:11:14LAUGHTER

00:11:18Marc:Your podcast is my cocaine.

00:11:20Marc:I wait for it to be updated like I'm waiting on my guy, but of course it's much cheaper.

00:11:25Marc:But just as effective, and I don't feel like an ass when I'm done.

00:11:27Marc:I guess the point of this email is to just let you know you make a big fucking difference in my day-to-day, small-town North Carolina, Navy, getting high, can really take its toll on 23 years of life.

00:11:39Marc:Aww.

00:11:42Marc:Why is he getting high in the Navy?

00:11:44Marc:But your podcast helps me know I am not the only one out there who is funny as shit to others but has the anxiety of a fat fifth grader at a dance.

00:11:57Marc:Thanks, Mark.

00:11:58Marc:I'm looking forward to your TV show.

00:11:59Marc:Maybe that will be the speedball.

00:12:00Marc:Rich.

00:12:03Marc:Holy cow.

00:12:05Marc:Dear Marc Maron, the eldest son of an insane client, introduced me to your podcast.

00:12:11Marc:He recognized that I was intimidated and anxious about having to commute 50ish miles from where I was living in West Marin to where I was going to be working in Redwood City.

00:12:19Marc:And he suggested that listening to your podcast would help me to not only endure, but enjoy the windshield time.

00:12:25Marc:So I'm fucking hooked on your podcast, except the live WTFs, which I don't listen to as they displease me.

00:12:36Marc:Like a wizard of phrasing, this guy.

00:12:40Marc:And he's never gonna hear this.

00:12:44Marc:And I moved to about two miles from the new job, which does not give me enough time to listen to a full podcast in one commute, so I've been taking every opportunity to drive to Marin, where the company office is, so that I can sit in the car for 60-plus minutes, which is both sad and ironic.

00:13:01Marc:Monday, I listened to the Mary Mack episode twice, once while driving north and again while driving south, then again this morning while eating breakfast.

00:13:09Marc:And I'd like to skip work today to do it again.

00:13:13Marc:Likely it's because I'm from Wisconsin and her voice and cadence and manner touch the honest part of my being which hides from the savage realities of inauthentic adult life in the USNA.

00:13:28Wow.

00:13:29Marc:I find myself lost in fantasy now, daydreaming of pulling rocks from the northern Wisconsin landscape to plant pumpkins and counting waxies for ice fishermen.

00:13:39Marc:I'm less satisfied with my life because of you.

00:13:47Marc:You realize I'm sure that those of us who most enjoy your podcast are unhinged.

00:13:54Marc:You are aware, aren't you, that we all share a deep dissatisfaction with the way we live and the choices that we have made, yet attribute to circumstance rather than take responsibility for them ourselves.

00:14:05Marc:Having engineered your podcast to appeal to all of the anxious, discontent, and vulnerable souls hanging onto their fragile realities without any confidence in the firmness of their grasp, you must certainly recognize that you have a responsibility to us, right?

00:14:24Marc:Of course you do.

00:14:25Marc:That is why I am sure that you will pass this along to Miss Mary Mack and let her know that I am available to de-rock her fields and count her waxies and sing O Tannenbaum while electric light powered by solar panels burns dimly in the barn.

00:14:41Marc:Oh geez, my life is not what it should be.

00:14:47Marc:Thank you for helping me to see that and to be less committed to holding my grip on this desperate American life.

00:14:53Marc:Best regards, Falco.

00:14:55Marc:Wow.

00:14:57Marc:These are so touching to me.

00:14:59Marc:This is just a WTF moment.

00:15:01Marc:This is like so earnest.

00:15:03Marc:All right.

00:15:04Marc:Hey, Mark.

00:15:04Marc:Thanks for the show.

00:15:05Marc:Always enjoy it and you.

00:15:06Marc:So I've been getting ready to go on a trip and the other night fell asleep and had a dream that my husband and I were renting the cat ranch for our vacation.

00:15:13LAUGHTER

00:15:13Marc:One of those vacation rental by owner things.

00:15:16Marc:For a week, you left very detailed instructions on how to take care of the cats, what to do with dirty linens, and what time you had to check in, check out, etc.

00:15:25Marc:The arrival-departure info was in all bold type and very specific.

00:15:29Marc:So even though we got into town early, we knew we could not check in until 3 p.m.

00:15:34Marc:and made ourselves busy until that time.

00:15:36Marc:We had our week and got along great with the cats, read a lot, and drank lots of coffee.

00:15:42Okay.

00:15:42Marc:Now the main part of the dream came the day of checkout.

00:15:44Marc:We had to be out by 11 a.m.

00:15:46Marc:and we were awoken at 8 a.m.

00:15:48Marc:by the next group of renters asking if they could just leave their stuff until check-in time.

00:15:53Marc:I was baffled.

00:15:54Marc:That's not how you do it.

00:15:59Marc:What the fuck?

00:16:02Marc:We played by Mark's rules.

00:16:03Marc:Why couldn't these jerks?

00:16:06Marc:I mumbled something about, quote, didn't you get the instructions on check-in from Mark?

00:16:11Marc:And they said, oh, yeah, but we don't have to abide by that, right?

00:16:14Marc:And I thought, yes.

00:16:15Marc:Yes, you do.

00:16:17LAUGHTER

00:16:17Marc:Then they started aggressively playing with one of the cats, and they started hissing.

00:16:22Marc:Then I woke up.

00:16:23Marc:Terrible.

00:16:26Marc:There you have it.

00:16:27Marc:I tried to play by the rules, Mark.

00:16:29Marc:Sorry, Kristen.

00:16:32Marc:All right, let's bring out our first comic.

00:16:34Marc:This guy, honestly, I've known for years, and for as long as I've known him, I've never seen him do anything but riff in a southern accent for what seems like hours.

00:16:44Marc:Please welcome Rory Scoville to the stage.

00:16:50Guest:Thank you.

00:16:51Guest:Thank you.

00:16:53Guest:Is this uncomfortably close?

00:16:54Guest:No, I'll be over here.

00:16:55Marc:All right.

00:16:56Guest:You do realize that's true, don't you?

00:16:58Marc:What?

00:16:59Marc:Every time I've seen you, I've seen you talk in a southern accent for no less than 25 minutes.

00:17:03Guest:Yeah.

00:17:04Guest:Yeah, that sounds about right.

00:17:06Guest:Sounds good.

00:17:07Guest:No different tonight.

00:17:10Guest:I can't believe you didn't wait on those emails with some of us out here because those were gems.

00:17:15Marc:Yeah?

00:17:15Guest:Do you want to address something?

00:17:17Guest:The number one, your number one Brazilian fan.

00:17:20Marc:Sure.

00:17:20Guest:Like, he didn't have the balls to go north of me.

00:17:22Guest:He was like, you know what?

00:17:24Guest:Down here, I'm number one.

00:17:26Guest:Up there, I don't know where I stand.

00:17:28Guest:I don't know where I stand.

00:17:29Guest:But down here, bullshit.

00:17:31Guest:Bullshit.

00:17:32Guest:I got my pulse.

00:17:33Guest:I got my pulse.

00:17:34Marc:I'm the guy.

00:17:34Guest:I got my pulse on the hand of the guy.

00:17:37Yeah.

00:17:37Guest:And that's why he's only number one down there.

00:17:40Guest:He doesn't know grammar.

00:17:41Guest:Well, he was very... He doesn't know sentence structure, and that's his fault.

00:17:45Marc:I blame him.

00:17:46Marc:He was very excited and very optimistic.

00:17:48Marc:He had a sort of weird zen, if you lose something, you're giving to somebody else sing.

00:17:53Marc:Right, yeah, yeah.

00:17:54Marc:But once you get to the past... I'd like to think that way.

00:17:57Marc:I don't think I can quite think that way, where it's like, fuck, where the fuck did I put... Oh, they're fucking gone.

00:18:02Marc:Oh, someone else has them.

00:18:04Guest:I don't think anybody actually thinks that way.

00:18:06Guest:I don't think anyone's like, oh, I lost my headphones, but you know what?

00:18:10Guest:Someone else gets to have them.

00:18:12Guest:Ho-hum.

00:18:13Guest:Missed my connection.

00:18:15Guest:What do I care?

00:18:16Guest:Some standby got my seat.

00:18:18Guest:No one's ever happy in that.

00:18:20Guest:There's no happiness in that way at all.

00:18:23Guest:It's impossible.

00:18:24Guest:No, what do I give a shit?

00:18:25Guest:Someone else got it.

00:18:27Guest:I don't have to be anywhere, ever.

00:18:29Guest:Oh, you're out of hamburgers?

00:18:30Guest:But you know what?

00:18:31Guest:Someone got the last hamburger.

00:18:33Guest:And that's special for them.

00:18:35Guest:Good for them.

00:18:36Guest:That'd be the most positive person in the world.

00:18:41Guest:No way.

00:18:41Guest:If I lose something, it's like, what the fuck?

00:18:44Guest:How dumb?

00:18:45Guest:I've lost my laptop at the airport four times.

00:18:48Guest:That's the worst feeling in the world.

00:18:49Guest:Four times.

00:18:50Guest:I've set it down to buy something and be like, okay, bye.

00:18:54Guest:Got to the gate, and I'm like, no!

00:18:57No!

00:18:58Guest:Just couldn't be angrier with myself, trying to play it cool.

00:19:02Guest:Hi, I lost my lab.

00:19:03Guest:Hey, did anybody return my lab?

00:19:06Guest:But you know inside, you are just crucifying yourself.

00:19:10Marc:Well, losing that shit is the most frightening thing because it's really more personal and important than your actual brain.

00:19:18Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:19:19Marc:So even your phone, when you lose your phone, you're like, I don't know who I am!

00:19:22Marc:Yeah, right.

00:19:24Yeah.

00:19:24Marc:Everything that I need to know about everything is in there.

00:19:26Marc:And now someone else is looking at me inside.

00:19:29Guest:My connection with the world is gone.

00:19:31Guest:Now I'm just Neo in the Matrix.

00:19:34Guest:I don't even know.

00:19:35Marc:I'm a lost soul.

00:19:36Marc:I have this thing where I logged onto Facebook, which I rarely do anymore.

00:19:40Marc:Because what they... Fuck that.

00:19:42Marc:There's something wrong with that thing.

00:19:44Marc:Facebook?

00:19:45Marc:Yeah.

00:19:46Marc:It's gone past, like, I don't give a shit about all these things you can do.

00:19:49Marc:And it's gone into, like, they're fucking up to something.

00:19:53Guest:I know what you mean.

00:19:54Guest:When you're on there, you're like, it is weird.

00:19:56Guest:There's no way someone hasn't knocked on your door and been like, we want all your information.

00:20:01Guest:If we can't have it, you're going to die soon.

00:20:03Guest:I was like, all right, look, I'll give you all the files from everyone in the world.

00:20:08Guest:Someone has access to all that?

00:20:10Guest:Doesn't that creep you out, though?

00:20:11Guest:I don't know.

00:20:12Guest:I like it.

00:20:14Guest:I like the updates.

00:20:15Marc:I like reading what people are up to.

00:20:18Marc:You ever think about identity theft and that shit?

00:20:21Marc:I don't obsess about it because I don't have that kind of time right now.

00:20:24Marc:But I have just a whole idea.

00:20:27Marc:The point was that I logged onto Facebook and then this warning came up and said, somebody logged onto your Facebook in San Jose.

00:20:32Marc:And I'm like, was I?

00:20:34Marc:No, I wasn't there.

00:20:36Marc:And then I started to think, like, who the fuck was on my Facebook in San Jose?

00:20:39Marc:And then I changed my password, but it gave me the fucking creeps, because now, like, some... What is the most personal thing they could get from you, though?

00:20:45Marc:On Facebook?

00:20:46Guest:Like, if I get, like, a weird message to someone, like, yeah, I'll come over on Saturday.

00:20:53LAUGHTER

00:20:53Marc:Yeah.

00:20:57Guest:Fuck yeah.

00:20:59Marc:I don't have anything to hide other than that I tend to neglect people.

00:21:04Guest:That's all they discover.

00:21:05Guest:He hasn't responded to any of these.

00:21:10Guest:No, steal someone else.

00:21:11Guest:He's too mean while they're stealing.

00:21:14Guest:He's a dick.

00:21:15Marc:Yeah, we don't want him.

00:21:18Guest:So you come from the South?

00:21:20Guest:I do, yeah.

00:21:20Guest:I was raised in... It sounds weird.

00:21:22Guest:I was raised.

00:21:24Guest:You feel like an animal.

00:21:26Guest:I was raised in South Carolina.

00:21:29Guest:Yeah?

00:21:29Guest:I thought it would be funnier.

00:21:30Guest:That's the only reason I said that just then.

00:21:33Guest:No, but it does feel weird to say that you were raised somewhere.

00:21:35Guest:But I'm from South Carolina.

00:21:36Guest:I grew up there and went to school there and then left when I was... What if this got super sad super quick?

00:21:45Guest:That would be my podcast.

00:21:46Guest:Left when I was 23.

00:21:47Guest:Dad died, so I had to do something.

00:21:50Guest:Did he?

00:21:51Guest:Grandpa raped someone.

00:21:53Guest:There was a trial and then To Kill a Mockingbird happened.

00:21:59LAUGHTER

00:21:59Marc:I had a weird upbringing.

00:22:03Marc:But see, there's something weird that I always assume that most of that is true about people from the South.

00:22:08Guest:That To Kill a Mockingbird happened or what?

00:22:11Marc:Whatever you just said.

00:22:12Marc:If you would have said that honestly, I'd be like, oh, wow.

00:22:15Guest:Right, right, right.

00:22:17Guest:It does sound like there was a trial and everyone went because that was entertainment back then.

00:22:23Marc:Oh, who's in trouble now?

00:22:25Marc:But it seems so gothic and weird to me.

00:22:26Marc:I still, like, I don't know if I'm prejudiced against people from the South, but I'm nervous and leery of them.

00:22:33Guest:It's the Bible thing, right?

00:22:35Marc:It's the Bible thing, and it's like, you know, just the weird kind of, you know... Weird that it didn't go right to the racist thing.

00:22:42Guest:Like, it's clearly the racist thing.

00:22:43Guest:Is it the Bible?

00:22:45Guest:Certainly it's not how we judge people.

00:22:47Guest:It's got to be the Bible.

00:22:49Marc:Well, it's that, but it's also like the tight-knit families.

00:22:53Marc:And...

00:22:54Marc:But you know, I don't think that's everywhere.

00:22:56Guest:I think there is a... I have a fear of hill people.

00:23:01Marc:All right.

00:23:03Marc:It's a fear and a fascination because I know that there are hill people.

00:23:07Marc:Yeah.

00:23:08Marc:And when you're among them or when you stop for gas at a hill people operation, it definitely is a different vibe than just hanging out here.

00:23:16Marc:I want to physically show you what you just did.

00:23:18Marc:I'm afraid of hill people.

00:23:20Guest:Like physically, I was just like...

00:23:24Guest:But I agreed the whole time.

00:23:27Guest:Yeah, no, they're out there.

00:23:29Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, hill people.

00:23:32Guest:Did you know hill people?

00:23:35Guest:But I think I know what you mean.

00:23:37Guest:I know what you're saying.

00:23:38Guest:When you say I'm afraid of hill people.

00:23:39Guest:I think that's the image of the South.

00:23:41Guest:That's what I'm talking about.

00:23:42Guest:Like, oh, there's hill people.

00:23:43Guest:People don't have shoes.

00:23:45Guest:Right.

00:23:46Guest:I don't think it's any different than, of the places that I've seen in this country, I don't really think it's that different than most places.

00:23:53Guest:I really don't.

00:23:54Marc:But I've been to the South, like, even in, like, reasonably sized cities, like Nashville, Raleigh.

00:23:59Marc:Yes.

00:24:00Marc:And, of course, I'm like, we're the hill people.

00:24:02Yeah.

00:24:02Marc:You're just buying gas?

00:24:06Marc:20 on pump four.

00:24:08Guest:Where are the hill people?

00:24:13Guest:Hey, hey, hey.

00:24:14Guest:Where are the fucking hill people?

00:24:15Guest:Where are they?

00:24:16Marc:Yeah, that's funny, but they'll tell you.

00:24:18Guest:They're, like, three miles.

00:24:19Guest:Yeah.

00:24:20Guest:Right, without you in, like, a break?

00:24:22Marc:Yeah, they're, like, every city I've been in, it's, like, you're there out there.

00:24:24Marc:You've just got to travel, like, five miles.

00:24:26Marc:And they're, like, if I had a car, I would go, but I never have a car.

00:24:29Marc:And you don't want to ask a local, like, I want to go to the Hill People Zoo.

00:24:33Guest:Right, right.

00:24:34Guest:Because it could be them.

00:24:35Guest:Yeah.

00:24:35Guest:It could be them.

00:24:36Guest:They're, like, why?

00:24:37Guest:What business do you have with the Hill People?

00:24:40Guest:You're like, oh.

00:24:43Guest:Oh, I guess I found one.

00:24:44Marc:You mean you want to go to my uncle's house?

00:24:46Guest:Yeah.

00:24:46Guest:What are you, CIA?

00:24:48Guest:They always, they give themselves too much credit.

00:24:51Guest:What are you, FBI?

00:24:52Guest:Like, no.

00:24:54Guest:No, why would the FBI?

00:24:55Guest:I don't know, we're up to stuff.

00:24:56Guest:I don't know, we are hill people and you think you'd have your eyes on us.

00:25:00Marc:But that's exactly right.

00:25:01Marc:The most paranoid people are the people that you just want to look at and go like, why would they give a fuck about you at all?

00:25:07Guest:Right, yeah.

00:25:08Guest:Because I think they would.

00:25:10Guest:Because I think the government's watching.

00:25:12Guest:What are you guys up to?

00:25:13Guest:Well, not really much.

00:25:14Guest:You know, we cut our own wood and have prayer circle on Sunday.

00:25:18Guest:But other than that, we're pretty normal.

00:25:20Guest:It's like, all right, then yeah, no, the FBI's not watching you.

00:25:23Guest:Well, someone logged into my Facebook two days ago.

00:25:27Guest:That got us all jittery.

00:25:31Marc:There are definitely people that have that.

00:25:33Marc:I saw, like, I was on a metro subway in Washington, D.C., and there were definitely those people.

00:25:41Marc:And they were on the bus, or on the metro, and they were clearly coming to the Capitol to see the Capitol.

00:25:45Marc:And they were kind of drunk, and there was, like, they were...

00:25:49Marc:No, I'm serious.

00:25:50Guest:That's America.

00:25:52Marc:No, this was very specific.

00:25:53Guest:Let's get drunk and see history.

00:25:54Guest:Right.

00:25:55Marc:But the older woman of the bunch was wearing something that looked, you know, kind of pilgrim-y.

00:26:00Marc:You know, like, you know, the weird long dress, you know, like almost Amish-y looking, but not Amish-y looking, hill people looking.

00:26:06Guest:Right, hill people.

00:26:07Marc:And they were all having this conversation about Obama's a beast, the Illuminati.

00:26:12Marc:And, you know, like they knew all this, you know, like buzzwords of arcane conspiracies, you know.

00:26:18Marc:And we actually went under the Pentagon and someone with a Pentagon badge who worked there.

00:26:24Guest:I don't think anybody's capitalized on Illuminati.

00:26:28Guest:Like the intelligence of someone who doesn't know how to say that correctly but knows about it.

00:26:33Marc:All they need is a fucking word.

00:26:35Marc:That's all they need to go on.

00:26:37Marc:And they will hang on to that word like they fucking know.

00:26:40Marc:It's like, the Illuminati, you don't know what you're talking about.

00:26:43Marc:Well, maybe you're one of them.

00:26:44Guest:Exactly.

00:26:45Guest:Then they turn it on you.

00:26:46Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:26:47Guest:Oh, am I not saying it right?

00:26:48Guest:Or maybe you don't know something that I know.

00:26:52Guest:You're like, no, I know that it's Illuminati.

00:26:53Marc:But what was beautiful is they did the whole sort of like Satan, Obama thing, and they were talking loudly because they're drunk and stupid.

00:27:02Marc:And there was a guy who was getting off at the Pentagon who was clearly working for the government and was just sitting there overhearing all of this.

00:27:08Marc:Soaking it in.

00:27:09Marc:Right.

00:27:09Marc:And they were saying it louder because they saw his identification.

00:27:13Marc:And then right before he gets off, he just walks up to them and goes, you know, he's all of our president.

00:27:20Right.

00:27:21Marc:And there was that moment where they were just sort of like, uh, he's one of them.

00:27:28Guest:Yeah, they were like, oh, I guess they got you.

00:27:33Guest:I guess you're in too deep now, Pentagon.

00:27:35Guest:The doors have closed.

00:27:37Guest:I guess you're, I guess you're answered.

00:27:39Guest:I can't hear us.

00:27:40Guest:It's a lost cause.

00:27:42Guest:So you got to catch a red eye tonight?

00:27:44Guest:I'm catching a red eye to Charlotte, North Carolina.

00:27:47Guest:Why?

00:27:47Guest:Fun town.

00:27:48Guest:Fun town.

00:27:48Guest:To do stand-up?

00:27:49Guest:I hope this comes out after I do the club.

00:27:51Guest:You will.

00:27:52Guest:It will.

00:27:52Guest:To do stand-up?

00:27:53Guest:I'm not going to put it up tonight.

00:27:54Guest:Yeah.

00:27:55Guest:Well, I would.

00:27:56Guest:I'd actually have it up live.

00:27:58Marc:Yeah, to do.

00:27:59Marc:Now, when you play this out, do you turn it on a little bit?

00:28:02Guest:No, I think I do that anywhere anyways.

00:28:05Guest:I'll do like any whatever.

00:28:07Guest:I don't think I really decide if I'm going to do a voice.

00:28:11Guest:I think it just kind of happens if it feels like... You have no control over it?

00:28:14Guest:I mean, I do, but it just will come if it feels like it's the right vibe.

00:28:19Guest:Do you have an array of voices or is it...

00:28:21Guest:Not really.

00:28:21Guest:No, I have the one.

00:28:24Guest:I don't know why I said voices.

00:28:27Guest:Like sometimes you're like, hello.

00:28:28Guest:I have 17 voices and they all are sort of one voice.

00:28:32Guest:Do you like playing in the sound?

00:28:34Guest:I love it.

00:28:35Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:28:35Guest:I like it more too because there is sort of this, that preconceived notion like, oh, it's the Bible bell.

00:28:40Guest:But it is fun to kind of go in there and with, I don't really...

00:28:44Guest:Edgy material sounds weird, but something where you know, oh, this might turn the crowd.

00:28:49Guest:But it's always surprising to see how many people in the crowd don't get turned.

00:28:52Guest:They're like, no, we're with you.

00:28:53Guest:Just no one really says this around here.

00:28:56Guest:In the South, a lot of people are different than what they think.

00:29:00Guest:But in your community, no one's... I mean, not no one, but...

00:29:03Guest:But speaking out is a difficult thing because then everyone outcasts you.

00:29:07Guest:Like, oh, well, we all thought this.

00:29:09Guest:But the reality is, no, all of you think something and one of you doesn't.

00:29:12Guest:But no one's saying anything because that one person who doesn't is kind of putting this shit out there for everyone to be like, oh, maybe we shouldn't say anything.

00:29:19Guest:That was the worst description I just gave ever.

00:29:21Guest:But I think it made sense to some people.

00:29:26Guest:Lou in Brazil liked it.

00:29:28Yeah.

00:29:28Guest:I lost you about two-thirds in.

00:29:30Guest:I'm your number one Antarctic fan.

00:29:32Marc:I'm your number one fan in Antarctica.

00:29:34Marc:I was trying to keep up with it, and then I kind of lost it.

00:29:37Marc:What you're saying is that there's a politeness down there because of the community.

00:29:40Marc:So if one person in the community says, fuck Jesus, that guy's out.

00:29:44Marc:But if you say it, they're kind of like, yeah, kind of.

00:29:47Guest:I think the majority of the crowd is like, yeah, we all thought that.

00:29:49Guest:We all kind of think different about religion or abortion or homophobia.

00:29:54Guest:But no one's openly just talking about it because you're like, well, who's going to out me today?

00:29:58Guest:Am I going to be the weird guy in the neighborhood?

00:30:00Guest:I feel like I'm doing a horrible job of describing this.

00:30:05Guest:You want to just move on?

00:30:06Guest:No, I want to nail this.

00:30:08Guest:I want to really get this.

00:30:10Guest:I want to really get this tonight.

00:30:13Guest:But I think there is a point there.

00:30:15Guest:Does that kind of make sense, what I'm saying?

00:30:18Guest:Thank you, ten people.

00:30:20Guest:Thank you.

00:30:22Guest:That's why daddy drinks.

00:30:25Guest:That's why he drinks, because no one agrees with his shitty, shitty explanations.

00:30:29Marc:Rory Scovel, ladies and gentlemen.

00:30:30Marc:Rory Scovel.

00:30:37Marc:My next guest comes from Portland, and I believe you still live there, don't you?

00:30:43Marc:Ron Punches, ladies and gentlemen.

00:30:50Marc:Ron Punches.

00:30:53Guest:Hey, Rory.

00:30:54Guest:Hello.

00:30:54Guest:You know Rory?

00:30:55Guest:I know Rory very well.

00:30:56Guest:You do?

00:30:57Guest:I'm the reason why you got engaged.

00:30:59Marc:Really?

00:31:00Marc:Yes, it is.

00:31:01Marc:That sounds like we need more.

00:31:03Guest:No, no, no.

00:31:04Guest:Ron, that's enough.

00:31:11Guest:Well, we were on a nice hike together that involved some mushrooms, and Rory may have taken too many.

00:31:20Guest:May?

00:31:23Guest:You're acting like we weren't both there.

00:31:25Guest:May?

00:31:26Guest:You think I usually say that shit?

00:31:28Guest:I definitely took too many.

00:31:31Guest:What did he say?

00:31:32Guest:He thought he was dead.

00:31:35Guest:But I might have taken a lot.

00:31:41Marc:You thought he was dead but still talking?

00:31:43Guest:He thought he was dead.

00:31:44Guest:He thought he was walking through hell.

00:31:46Guest:And I guess I was his guide out of it.

00:31:51Marc:I could see you doing that.

00:31:52Guest:Yeah, that's what I'm good at.

00:31:54Marc:You have that kind of energy.

00:31:57Marc:I'm in hell.

00:31:57Marc:Where's Ron?

00:31:59Marc:Did you get him out of hell?

00:32:02Guest:Yeah, Ron got me out.

00:32:05Guest:Ron was a rock that day.

00:32:09Marc:How many people were involved in this trip?

00:32:10Marc:Just the two of you?

00:32:11Guest:No, it was me, him, his fiance, and a couple other comics.

00:32:17Guest:Andy Haynes, you may know, and just a couple other comics.

00:32:21Marc:I'm so glad you kids are still doing it.

00:32:24Guest:We're still doing drugs.

00:32:26Marc:We're still doing drugs.

00:32:28Marc:Mushrooms are fun.

00:32:30Marc:Yeah.

00:32:30Marc:Well, me and Rory got separated from the group.

00:32:33Marc:That's always weird, right?

00:32:34Marc:Yeah.

00:32:34Marc:Because you feel like you're in another world, right?

00:32:36Marc:Another planet.

00:32:37Marc:It's like, will we ever find them again?

00:32:39Guest:Well, I wasn't.

00:32:40Guest:Well, Rory had just taken too many mushrooms and he couldn't keep up.

00:32:43Guest:And I was just, I'm not a hiker.

00:32:54Marc:But you were enjoying the outdoors.

00:32:56Marc:It's good to be outdoors on mushrooms, right?

00:33:02Marc:Exactly.

00:33:02Marc:And what other revelations were had on this trip?

00:33:06Guest:For me, it was I should probably just be at home with my son if I'm going to have to watch someone go through hell.

00:33:17Marc:It's much funnier to trip around children.

00:33:23Marc:As long as you don't freak out.

00:33:25Marc:Exactly.

00:33:25Marc:Daddy's in trouble.

00:33:26Marc:Daddy's in trouble.

00:33:28Guest:Do you see these?

00:33:29Guest:There was a moment we were walking back to the parking lot and there were a lot of Japanese tourists.

00:33:34Guest:And I, not jokingly, I said to Ron, I was like, why are they doing?

00:33:38Guest:Why are they talking like that?

00:33:40Guest:I was like, are they talking about us?

00:33:43Guest:Do they know what I'm going through right now?

00:33:45Guest:Like, I thought they were fucking with me.

00:33:47Guest:And I'm very well aware that what I said sounds racist.

00:33:51Guest:I like that that's your, my favorite part was that you were in hell the whole time, but then we still saw some wild turkeys and you wanted to ride one.

00:34:00Guest:Who doesn't like fun?

00:34:03Marc:I'm just a little disappointed that you didn't think, like, okay, this is the Asian section of hell.

00:34:12Marc:Wait, where are we?

00:34:13Guest:Look at the map again.

00:34:14Guest:I think there's a map.

00:34:16Guest:No, go on your phone and look.

00:34:17Guest:This isn't right.

00:34:19Marc:GPS hell.

00:34:20Marc:Yeah.

00:34:22Marc:You're still living in Portland?

00:34:23Marc:Yeah.

00:34:24Marc:Do you like that town?

00:34:25Guest:I like it, yeah.

00:34:25Marc:What the hell's going on up there?

00:34:27Marc:A lot of people who are trying to move here.

00:34:30Marc:Really?

00:34:32Marc:But it's one of those places that people seem to run to, and they've built some sort of weird, slightly condescending hipster utopia up there.

00:34:38Guest:Yeah, absolutely.

00:34:39Marc:That feels strangely exclusionary.

00:34:41Guest:Yeah.

00:34:41Guest:I think you'd fit in just fine, Mark.

00:34:44Guest:I think you could run for the mayor of this hipster community.

00:34:47Marc:You think so?

00:34:48Marc:Absolutely.

00:34:49Marc:I felt very out of place up there, you know, because I, and I've talked about this before, every time I'm in Portland, I literally think everyone that walks by me is hiding something.

00:35:00Marc:Like they're walking by and like, there's one of them, you know, and they move on.

00:35:04Guest:Yeah, I heard you say that before, and I was at the festival when you were saying that, and I was like, no, everyone looks at you because they kind of think you're their hipster messiah.

00:35:14Marc:Oh, really?

00:35:14Marc:I'm not sure I can handle that responsibility.

00:35:18Marc:My fear of ever being put in a position of leadership is that I would be in a position to address whoever I'm supposed to be leading, and I would just crumble and go, what do you guys want to do?

00:35:31LAUGHTER

00:35:32Marc:How is this my responsibility?

00:35:33Marc:I just want to eat.

00:35:36Marc:Yeah, it sounds like me.

00:35:39Guest:But how did you end up there?

00:35:41Guest:I was just raised in Chicago.

00:35:45Guest:My mom and my dad had split because he had gotten the drugs.

00:35:47Guest:And then he had gotten off of drugs and was going to do construction in Oregon.

00:35:52Guest:And my life at home with my mom wasn't going well.

00:35:56Guest:So I was like, let me get this shot all the way across the country.

00:35:59Guest:And you did it.

00:36:00Guest:And I did it.

00:36:01Guest:And you grew up there for your whole life?

00:36:02Guest:Since I was 13, I've been there.

00:36:05Guest:And then my sister and my dad were there, and then they both got other careers and moved out and left me in Oregon.

00:36:12Marc:So you're the only one that's there?

00:36:13Marc:Yeah.

00:36:15Guest:I mean, I have my wife and my son now, so it's perfect.

00:36:17Marc:How old's your son?

00:36:18Marc:He'll be nine next month.

00:36:20Marc:Nine years old?

00:36:21Marc:Mm-hmm.

00:36:21Marc:Oh, my God.

00:36:22Marc:When did you have him?

00:36:22Marc:When you were 12?

00:36:24Guest:Pretty close.

00:36:25Guest:Pretty close.

00:36:28Guest:I had him when I was 20.

00:36:33Marc:You had him when you were 20?

00:36:34Marc:Yeah.

00:36:35Marc:That's something that you wanted to do?

00:36:37Guest:No.

00:36:43Guest:But it's worked out for the best.

00:36:47Guest:Is he entertaining?

00:36:48Guest:Yeah, he's super entertaining.

00:36:49Guest:He has autism, which can be a little difficult.

00:36:53Guest:Well, it's more difficult dealing with normal people afterwards.

00:36:57Guest:I love dealing with him and just waking up at noon and him farting on people as fun.

00:37:02Guest:To me, that's hilarious, just having to explain it to normal people while my son is shrieking in the middle of the street.

00:37:10Guest:That's when it gets a little difficult.

00:37:12Marc:But I would think anybody that you just said he likes to fart on people would understand immediately.

00:37:17Marc:They'd be like, oh, of course.

00:37:19Marc:That's fucking hilarious.

00:37:20Marc:He's a genius.

00:37:21Marc:I'm worthy of shrieking.

00:37:23Marc:And my girlfriend works with autistic people.

00:37:25Marc:It seems very challenging.

00:37:26Marc:But from what I understand, they can be...

00:37:29Marc:I talked to Jack Gallagher, who has an autistic kid, and he says that instead of judging them as somebody with a certain situation, you just have to see them as unique individuals who have their own frequency.

00:37:42Guest:Yeah, very unique individuals.

00:37:45Guest:It's fun.

00:37:46Guest:You can't really punish him or anything.

00:37:48Guest:You just let him do his thing.

00:37:50Guest:He punishes us sometimes.

00:37:52Guest:Like, sometimes it'll be like, he'll want to bite your finger just to let you know he's pissed off, and your best option is to let him bite your finger.

00:38:01Guest:What if you don't?

00:38:02Guest:Then the cops may come.

00:38:07Guest:So you should just let him bite your finger.

00:38:11Guest:Does he bite it hard?

00:38:12Guest:Yeah, oh, fuck yeah.

00:38:19Guest:Honey, do it.

00:38:19Guest:He's right.

00:38:21Guest:You did promise him we'd go to McDonald's, and then we did not let him bite your finger.

00:38:26Marc:I'm going to step out on a limb here and say it was probably better you trip with Rory.

00:38:34Marc:Yeah.

00:38:35Marc:I think the whole hanging out with the sun on mushroom.

00:38:38Marc:I was fighting Ron during that.

00:38:40Marc:And how long have you been doing comedy now?

00:38:43Marc:Almost six years.

00:38:44Guest:So what drove you to start that?

00:38:46Guest:I just always wanted to since I was five and would just try to talk myself out of it.

00:38:51Guest:Didn't think it was a real career.

00:38:53Guest:It's not.

00:38:54Guest:That's what I'm finding out.

00:38:59Yeah.

00:38:59Marc:I get these emails from people.

00:39:00Marc:It's like, I'm looking to get into a career of comedy.

00:39:03Marc:Just want you to give me any pointers.

00:39:05Marc:Well, throw out the career word would be a good place to start.

00:39:10Marc:You didn't have a plan, though, did you?

00:39:12Guest:No, it was really dumb, actually, because I'd been working at a bank call center just answering people's dumb questions all the time and getting yelled at.

00:39:22Guest:And then I found out my son had autism and I was like, well, I should make a lot of money because I never know if he's gonna move out.

00:39:30Guest:So then I was like, maybe I should go to college and do something.

00:39:33Guest:Or maybe I should just fully focus on standup comedy.

00:39:38Guest:And that'll pay off.

00:39:41Guest:And it has not yet.

00:39:45Marc:But people love you.

00:39:48Marc:There's a lot of buzz, a lot of heat, Ron.

00:39:50Marc:Aren't you feeling the heat and the buzz?

00:39:53Guest:Yeah.

00:39:54Guest:Well, not when they cut off my PGE and my lights and shit.

00:39:57Guest:No.

00:39:59Guest:I don't feel no heat at that time.

00:40:01Guest:That sounds like the beginning of a one-man show.

00:40:11Marc:I think you're heading the right direction.

00:40:14Marc:Got an autistic kid, no electricity.

00:40:16Marc:I see that on Broadway.

00:40:18Guest:I see that every day.

00:40:27Guest:What are you doing down here?

00:40:28Guest:I did wanna talk about how, because I know a lot of people, when they come on here, they talk about how you were mean to them the first time.

00:40:36Guest:And I wanna talk about how extremely nice you were to me.

00:40:42Marc:You got me at a good period of my life.

00:40:45Guest:I think so, because when I look back at it, the reactions seem very not Marc Maron.

00:40:50Guest:Well, what happened?

00:40:51Guest:Well, we were doing this Fuck Yeah Festival.

00:40:53Guest:Oh, yeah, in the tent or whatever.

00:40:55Guest:Yeah, in the tent, when there's a lot of metal music going on.

00:40:57Guest:And I was just scared, because there was you and a lot of other comedians that I respected.

00:41:01Guest:And somehow, like...

00:41:03Guest:They must have been in between music for every other stage.

00:41:07Guest:And I got to go on when there's no music going on.

00:41:09Guest:Other than that, everyone's having a talk over metal music.

00:41:13Guest:And then I have a good set.

00:41:14Guest:I turn around, and then you just give me a thumbs up and a grin, which seems like you could never do.

00:41:25LAUGHTER

00:41:25Guest:And then you tell me to come and lean into you, and I'm like, what's he going to say to me?

00:41:31Guest:And you just go, do you want to know where the free ice cream is?

00:41:40Guest:I told you, too, didn't I?

00:41:43Guest:Yeah, you did.

00:41:43Marc:We're on punches, ladies and gentlemen.

00:41:50Thank you.

00:41:53Marc:I know what's important.

00:41:54Marc:My next guest is going to be exciting and challenging.

00:42:06Marc:You ready?

00:42:08Guest:Okay.

00:42:09Guest:How much time do you need?

00:42:12Guest:You need to do something?

00:42:14Marc:You're going to do it live?

00:42:19Marc:All right.

00:42:19Marc:Brent Weinbach, ladies and gentlemen.

00:42:23Marc:Hi.

00:42:25Guest:How are you?

00:42:26Guest:Fine, how are you?

00:42:27Marc:What are we doing, standing?

00:42:28Marc:Are we standing?

00:42:28Marc:Yeah, we're doing stand-up comedy.

00:42:29Marc:Okay, that's fine.

00:42:30Guest:No, you made it sound like I'm challenging.

00:42:33Guest:I'm a challenging person.

00:42:34Marc:Yeah.

00:42:35Guest:But I'm not that challenging.

00:42:35Guest:Okay.

00:42:36Guest:Now, this isn't personal, guys.

00:42:37Guest:I just don't like to sit in chairs that people have sat in.

00:42:40Guest:Yeah.

00:42:40Guest:So I'm just going to switch chairs and use this one for right now and bring this one over.

00:42:44Guest:Is that all right?

00:42:45Guest:Yep.

00:42:45Guest:That's not challenging, right?

00:42:46Marc:Nope.

00:42:48Marc:You know what's really great about it?

00:42:50Marc:You're serious.

00:42:52Guest:You think this is a bit?

00:42:58Marc:I don't.

00:42:59Marc:I don't think it's a bit.

00:43:00Guest:What if this was your whole hour?

00:43:03Guest:All right, I need a different chair.

00:43:05Marc:Haven't you seen this?

00:43:06Marc:It is this whole hour.

00:43:07Marc:Oh, no, there's no chair.

00:43:10Marc:I'll sit down if you sit down.

00:43:11Marc:Yeah, you first.

00:43:12Marc:Okay.

00:43:14All right.

00:43:14Guest:I'm going to go ahead and grab that chair.

00:43:15Guest:No, no, no.

00:43:16Marc:Leave it here.

00:43:17Marc:Leave it here.

00:43:17Marc:Oh, okay.

00:43:18Marc:I'm going to need it eventually.

00:43:19Marc:It's a tribute.

00:43:21Marc:Right.

00:43:21Marc:A tribute that what could have been for you?

00:43:23Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:43:25Guest:This is like... These are two different possibilities.

00:43:27Guest:These are two different realities right here, right in front of us.

00:43:30Marc:You could have been sitting in that one.

00:43:31Marc:Yeah.

00:43:31Marc:But you feel better in this one.

00:43:33Guest:I'm still slightly uncomfortable being this close to you.

00:43:38Guest:No, no, it's all right.

00:43:38Guest:Let's get close.

00:43:41Marc:So, Brent, you know, I used to think...

00:43:46Marc:When I first saw you, that, you know, it was a put on.

00:43:51Marc:And now I don't.

00:43:54Marc:And another reason is I met your brother.

00:43:57Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:43:57Marc:Yeah.

00:43:57Marc:And I was like, oh, my God, there's two of them.

00:43:59Marc:Right.

00:44:01Marc:Actually, there's three of us, because he has a twin brother.

00:44:03Guest:He does?

00:44:04Guest:Yeah.

00:44:04Guest:And you're all kind of, you know, like you.

00:44:07Guest:Through the science of genetics.

00:44:09Guest:Yeah.

00:44:10Guest:And through the science of gravity.

00:44:11Guest:Yes.

00:44:13Guest:The engineers were able to split my atoms apart and make two of me.

00:44:19Guest:And that's why they're actually smaller and weaker than I am.

00:44:23Guest:That's why I'm able to rule over them.

00:44:27Guest:It makes me feel like a man for once.

00:44:30Marc:Aren't you like some sort of genius or something?

00:44:36Guest:I like that you think that of me.

00:44:37Guest:Isn't that what you're trying to get across?

00:44:40Guest:That's the put on, that I'm a genius, but I'm actually very retarded.

00:44:47Guest:Look at my face.

00:44:48Guest:Don't I have that retarded look?

00:44:49Guest:I definitely have that retarded strength.

00:44:52Marc:You do?

00:44:53Marc:You can't control it?

00:44:55Guest:You don't want to shake my hand.

00:44:57Guest:You already did, so you know what it feels like.

00:44:58Guest:I know, it still hurts.

00:45:01Guest:I wanted to talk about how handsome you are.

00:45:04Marc:You get that a lot, right?

00:45:05Guest:You get a lot of emails telling you you're handsome, right?

00:45:07Marc:You want to know where the free ice cream is?

00:45:09Guest:Can you give me a thumbs up and a smile?

00:45:13Guest:All right, let's make him feel good right now.

00:45:16Marc:Let's get back to the handsome thing.

00:45:17Guest:Yeah, definitely, yeah.

00:45:20Guest:I mean, you are a very sexy man, and I imagine that a lot of women respond to that.

00:45:26Guest:Is that true?

00:45:27Guest:I get cake pops.

00:45:29Guest:Cake pops.

00:45:31Marc:And some women cook for me.

00:45:33Guest:Now, you probably get this, right?

00:45:35Guest:You probably get that you have sort of an older professor, sexy professor situation, right?

00:45:41Guest:You get that, right?

00:45:42Guest:I've heard that.

00:45:43Guest:Has anyone given you this?

00:45:45Guest:And this is a real thing.

00:45:46Guest:This isn't a put-on.

00:45:47Guest:All right.

00:45:49Guest:Cowboy.

00:45:51Guest:Like a sexy cowboy from the 1800s.

00:45:55Guest:I'm with you.

00:45:57Marc:I had a moment where I thought we were playing password.

00:46:00Marc:Right.

00:46:04Marc:And I'm like, horses.

00:46:12Guest:Chaps.

00:46:13Guest:Chaps.

00:46:17Guest:Bears?

00:46:20Guest:No, I'm sorry.

00:46:20Guest:The answer we were looking for was Santa Monica Boulevard.

00:46:25Guest:Boom.

00:46:26Guest:It's a put-on.

00:46:27Guest:The whole thing was a put-on.

00:46:28Guest:It was all a bit.

00:46:29Guest:I can sit back in the other chair now.

00:46:33Guest:No, no.

00:46:33Guest:Truth be told, you look like a cowboy.

00:46:35Guest:Straight up.

00:46:35Guest:I'm not kidding.

00:46:36Guest:You look like a sexy cowboy.

00:46:37Guest:Take off your glasses for just a second.

00:46:41Guest:Look at this rugged cowboy right here.

00:46:44Guest:You're a rugged cowboy, sexy cowboy.

00:46:46Guest:You look like you've been involved with showdowns.

00:46:49Guest:I'm not kidding, actually.

00:46:50Guest:You look like a sexy cowboy, and I think it's sexy, and it's attractive.

00:46:53Guest:And actually, this is a real question.

00:46:56Guest:This isn't a joke question.

00:46:57Guest:Have you ever worn cowboy gear before?

00:46:59Marc:I grew up in New Mexico.

00:47:01Marc:I had cowboy boots for a lot of years, and then at some point it just became stupid.

00:47:06Marc:I don't even think they're back now.

00:47:08Marc:There's one of the few things that never came back.

00:47:10Guest:Do you agree with me about the cowboy thing?

00:47:13Marc:Look, dude, I'm just a Jew trying to do something.

00:47:15Guest:You don't even look Jewish to me.

00:47:16Guest:You look like a cowboy.

00:47:19Marc:Are we going to fuck later?

00:47:20Marc:I'm glad I got you thinking that.

00:47:24Guest:I don't think anybody's doing Jewish cowboy, though.

00:47:27Marc:No, I think that there was part of me.

00:47:29Marc:If you want to know the truth, I wore cowboy boots for a while.

00:47:33Marc:I used to be very committed to black denim jeans.

00:47:37Marc:Most definitely.

00:47:38Marc:I had a cowboy-style belt sometimes.

00:47:40Marc:You did have that.

00:47:41Marc:Yeah, and I went to camp once where I had to wear a cowboy hat.

00:47:44Guest:So I'm not off here at all, am I?

00:47:45Marc:Well, I was fucking 13.

00:47:48Marc:So I don't think I was as sexy then.

00:47:51Marc:I was a guy afraid of horses wearing a cowboy hat.

00:47:55Guest:I thought that description was going to end with, and I rode a horse.

00:48:00Guest:I think that 13-year-old you wearing a cowboy outfit, even sexier.

00:48:06Marc:Well, that's something you've got to deal with.

00:48:09Guest:Yeah.

00:48:09Marc:So... Yeah.

00:48:14Marc:I'll be honest with you.

00:48:17Marc:What's that?

00:48:17Marc:Oh, I know what that is.

00:48:18Marc:Someone just flushed the toilet, right?

00:48:20Marc:This is a great theater.

00:48:23Guest:All this talk about cowboys is making people need to go to the bathroom.

00:48:26Marc:Hell yeah, it is.

00:48:27Marc:Yeah, no, I like the cowboy thing.

00:48:29Marc:I appreciate that.

00:48:30Marc:Well, I'm wearing this fucking shirt.

00:48:31Marc:I never wear this shirt.

00:48:31Marc:You don't think this had any... Did this add to it?

00:48:35Guest:Yeah, no, it did, actually.

00:48:36Guest:Yeah, totally, yeah.

00:48:37Guest:And your facial hair, too, with the mustache and the thing.

00:48:40Marc:Yeah, it's sort of Civil War-y.

00:48:42Guest:Definitely.

00:48:42Guest:I think it looks good, though.

00:48:44Guest:I think you look timeless, yet also 1800s.

00:48:48Guest:LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

00:48:54Guest:Okay.

00:48:56Guest:All right.

00:48:57Guest:Yeah.

00:49:01Guest:Do you talk dirty in bed?

00:49:06Guest:Not specifically.

00:49:07Guest:And are you willing to talk about that?

00:49:09Marc:No, I'll talk about it.

00:49:09Marc:I mean, not specifically dirty.

00:49:12Marc:I'll do maybe a couple of these, like, oh, fuck.

00:49:15Marc:Fuck, yeah.

00:49:16Yeah.

00:49:19Guest:So you don't call her varmint or anything like that?

00:49:22Guest:Or you don't call her... Occasionally I'll go, woo-hoo!

00:49:29Marc:It's weird, because that stops everything.

00:49:31Marc:Because she's like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:49:32Marc:I'm like, I don't know.

00:49:34Marc:I was just being that guy.

00:49:36Guest:It was kind of a joke question.

00:49:38Guest:I mean, it was kind of a joke, the cowboy thing, but...

00:49:40Guest:I just think it's... I can't... I mean, look, I'm asking you this because I think you're sexy.

00:49:46Guest:I'm with you.

00:49:47Guest:And I just... I don't understand how you would talk dirty, though, and not feel corny about it, right?

00:49:52Guest:Or how do you... But that's why I don't do it.

00:49:54Guest:Okay, you don't actually do it.

00:49:55Guest:You just kind of... No, I mean, like, if I'm into it, I'm like... Express pleasure in a sort of maybe somewhat dirty way.

00:50:00Marc:Maybe a couple of, like, oh, shit.

00:50:01Guest:You know, I get... Okay, right, right, right.

00:50:02Guest:But you don't say, I want to do this to you and I want to tie you up in a noose and hang you in front of the village people or anything like that.

00:50:11Guest:You don't say anything like, I want to do this to you.

00:50:13Marc:No, I have said that.

00:50:14Guest:You have said that kind of stuff.

00:50:16Marc:I said that exact thing.

00:50:17Guest:I'm very fascinated with dirty talk because I can't

00:50:20Guest:I just think that it's weird, and it's something I would never do.

00:50:24Guest:I mean, you know, the first step would be getting into that situation where I would have the opportunity to do that.

00:50:29Guest:But I... But I understand what you're saying.

00:50:32Guest:I think it's weird, and I... Yeah.

00:50:33Marc:There's, like... It's also the same with, like, role-playing and that kind of stuff.

00:50:38Marc:It's sort of...

00:50:38Marc:Because we're comedians, I think, and we're incredibly self-conscious, how can you follow through the role?

00:50:44Marc:If it's like you're going to walk in with a tool belt and a hat, how are you not going to be like, ah, look at me?

00:50:50Marc:Which is not the role you're playing.

00:50:53Marc:You're there to fix something.

00:50:55Guest:Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:56Marc:You're not there to go like, I got tools.

00:51:00Guest:But, you know, that's intense role play right there.

00:51:04Guest:You have the belt.

00:51:06Marc:It could have been anything.

00:51:08Marc:Could have been a cowboy.

00:51:09Marc:Could have been, you know, the guy who's, you know, the gardener.

00:51:13Guest:You know, actually, Rory, when I was watching the show from over in the back, and looking at your face, you know, I just thought straight up white boy, right?

00:51:24Guest:Usually.

00:51:24Guest:That's what I usually thought.

00:51:26Guest:Over back there, I was thinking to myself, Asian adult male.

00:51:31Guest:Your face.

00:51:32Guest:And he's an adult male?

00:51:33Guest:Yeah, it wasn't even the way it physically looked.

00:51:35Guest:It was just the vibe I was getting.

00:51:37Guest:Especially when you laughed.

00:51:38Guest:And Ron, I feel like I've seen paintings of you at the Museum of Modern Art.

00:51:45Guest:That's the sort of look I think you have.

00:51:47Guest:That's beautiful.

00:51:48Guest:That's beautiful.

00:51:52Guest:Aren't you like a... The only way out of that was, that's beautiful.

00:51:56Marc:Thank you, Brent.

00:51:57Marc:There was many ways out of it.

00:51:58Marc:There was many ways out of that.

00:51:59Marc:The subtext of that is like, maybe he'll stop looking at me.

00:52:04Marc:Aren't you a musician?

00:52:06Marc:True.

00:52:06Marc:That's true.

00:52:07Marc:But like a really good one, right?

00:52:09Marc:I'm tight.

00:52:14Marc:No, but aren't you like a guy that turned his back on a classical musical career?

00:52:19Guest:I had a jazz background.

00:52:20Guest:You did?

00:52:21Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:52:22Guest:Like from the 50s?

00:52:24Guest:Yeah, actually, yeah.

00:52:25Guest:Yeah?

00:52:25Guest:I think my style kind of resonated with the 1950s.

00:52:28Guest:No, it was more of a cool jazz sound.

00:52:31Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:52:32Marc:You know, sort of a... Not that adventurous kind of background music?

00:52:34Guest:Yeah, more kind of Kenny G, smooth jazz, you know, sort of Boney James, sort of Spyro Gyra.

00:52:40Guest:Sure.

00:52:40Guest:Kind of-esque type stuff, you know?

00:52:42Marc:Yeah, absolutely.

00:52:43Guest:Sort of, you know, Weather Report later stuff.

00:52:45Guest:Oh, great.

00:52:47Guest:You know?

00:52:48Marc:That was a good era.

00:52:48Guest:Sort of, yeah.

00:52:50Guest:Their later years.

00:52:51Guest:A lot of, like, jazz has really... Yeah, more kind of underground Kenny G type stuff.

00:52:56Guest:You know, but before he sold out... Do you have the bootleg box?

00:52:58Guest:Yeah, I got the box set, yeah.

00:53:00Guest:I got the Kenny G box underground.

00:53:02Guest:It's the bootleg box set.

00:53:03Guest:Yeah, that's...

00:53:04Guest:That's where I learned all my moves.

00:53:07Guest:I played piano, and I played in restaurants and lounges and stuff like that.

00:53:11Guest:I used to do it professionally for a while.

00:53:12Marc:So why would you turn your back on that?

00:53:16Guest:Well, you know, I was doing a lot of background stuff, and I'd play my heart out to people, and no one would listen to me.

00:53:23Guest:They would just sometimes tell me to turn it down.

00:53:26Guest:And, you know, I just thought doing stand-up comedy, you just get more of a, it's a show.

00:53:38Guest:Yeah.

00:53:38Guest:And people respond to it.

00:53:39Guest:And no one's going to tell you to turn it down.

00:53:41Guest:Yeah.

00:53:41Guest:I mean, if I was doing more shows, I wasn't doing a lot of shows.

00:53:44Guest:If I was doing more shows where people were coming to see me and watch me actually perform and not just be background music, I think that there could have been something there.

00:53:50Marc:Right.

00:53:50Marc:And I do every now and then.

00:53:52Marc:Do you still see it?

00:53:52Marc:Like, do you keep it in your head as like, plan B?

00:53:56Marc:Yes.

00:53:58Marc:Yes.

00:53:59Marc:And how's it going on stage?

00:54:01Guest:My other plan B is I want to open up a restaurant.

00:54:03Marc:Yeah, me too.

00:54:04Guest:I want to open up a dessert bar.

00:54:07Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:54:07Guest:I want a late night spot that doesn't, or a juice bar, a late night juice bar, because there's no juice bar.

00:54:12Guest:is late night yeah right that's when you need it i wanted a nice uh place a quiet place yeah where people can go and hang out and um you know um just have fun and not it's not too loud there's no loud music playing there's no drunks it's no alcohol no alcohol just place late like a place that goes till about 4 a.m is juice just juice

00:54:31Guest:And desserts.

00:54:32Guest:Yeah.

00:54:33Guest:And I think that would be a real nice alternative lifestyle type of thing.

00:54:37Guest:You know?

00:54:38Guest:Yeah.

00:54:38Guest:Play some smooth jazz, some Spirogyra, some underground Kenny G. Maybe a little cowboy music for people like you.

00:54:44Guest:You know, some bluegrass.

00:54:45Guest:You seem like you would like bluegrass, right?

00:54:47Guest:Is that true?

00:54:48Guest:Oh, hell yeah.

00:54:49Guest:Yeah, you seem like.

00:54:49Guest:I do, too, actually.

00:54:50Marc:Do you like bluegrass?

00:54:51Marc:I love it.

00:54:51Marc:Yeah?

00:54:51Marc:It's great.

00:54:52Marc:You like Doc Watson?

00:54:54Guest:That's your name.

00:54:56Guest:You should be named... You should be called... I think that your name should be Doc Maron.

00:55:00Yeah.

00:55:01Guest:Doc Marin, look at you.

00:55:03Guest:Straight up Doc Marin right there.

00:55:05Guest:Now I want the glasses to stay on.

00:55:10Marc:Brent Weinbach, ladies and gentlemen.

00:55:15Marc:All right.

00:55:17Marc:No, no, no, no.

00:55:18Marc:No, we're good.

00:55:19Guest:Stay in your seat.

00:55:20Marc:Stay in your seat.

00:55:21Marc:Can I have that mic?

00:55:22Marc:My next guest you have seen on the Parks and Recreation television show, please welcome Retta to the stage.

00:55:31Marc:Hello.

00:55:32Marc:Nice to see you.

00:55:37Marc:Oh, how was it backstage?

00:55:39Marc:Because it was weird out here.

00:55:44Marc:Oh, she's wiping the mic down, Brent.

00:55:47Guest:It was cool.

00:55:48Guest:I'm a clean boy.

00:55:49Marc:He's like a little freaky clean.

00:55:51Marc:I'm very clean.

00:55:52Marc:Do you have hand sanitizer?

00:55:53Guest:No, I think that's nasty.

00:55:56Guest:How are you?

00:55:58Guest:This is my time, Brent.

00:56:00Guest:He asked me the questions.

00:56:01Guest:He asked me the questions.

00:56:03Guest:He's asking me questions.

00:56:04Marc:I'm concerned because he's holding the mic like a bandersuit on a first date or some shit.

00:56:10Marc:He's always on a first date.

00:56:11Marc:His whole life is a first date.

00:56:14Marc:Where did you come from?

00:56:17Guest:There.

00:56:18Guest:I'm from Jersey.

00:56:18Guest:You are?

00:56:19Guest:Uh-huh.

00:56:19Guest:What part in Jersey?

00:56:20Guest:I was born in Newark and my family lives in Cliffwood Beach now.

00:56:23Guest:Oh, because I'm from Jersey.

00:56:24Guest:Spent some time in Edison.

00:56:26Marc:My grandfather was born in Elizabeth.

00:56:27Marc:As was I. Oh, see, I knew we had something.

00:56:34Guest:Okay.

00:56:36Guest:I'm getting that cowboy thing now.

00:56:41Marc:What's up?

00:56:42Marc:So you started doing comedy where?

00:56:43Marc:New York?

00:56:44Marc:No, North Carolina.

00:56:45Guest:I went to college in North Carolina.

00:56:46Guest:Oh, shit.

00:56:46Guest:He's from, where are you from?

00:56:47Guest:South Carolina.

00:56:51Guest:Jesus Christ.

00:56:53Guest:My cousin lives in Charlotte, so I'll tell them to come see your show.

00:56:57Guest:Thank you.

00:56:58Guest:Thank you.

00:56:58Guest:It's going to be great.

00:57:00Guest:Hey, it's going to be a lot of fun.

00:57:01Guest:It's going to be a lot of fun.

00:57:02Marc:So, okay, let's talk about the TV show.

00:57:05Marc:How did that all happen?

00:57:07Guest:I had an audition.

00:57:10Guest:They actually wrote a scene for me because I wasn't in the pilot or the part wasn't in the pilot.

00:57:16Guest:I actually auditioned with Octavia Spencer.

00:57:18Guest:Yeah.

00:57:19Guest:She kind of left this bitch behind.

00:57:22Guest:But yeah, they just, they had an audition and I, I'm not very good at auditioning, but I'm good at, I'm good at the talk.

00:57:28Guest:Yeah.

00:57:29Guest:And I happened to have a new watch.

00:57:32Guest:And the showrunner, the creator and executive producer, Mike Shore, said, oh, I like your watch.

00:57:37Guest:And that's all he had to say.

00:57:38Guest:And I fucking talked for like 30 minutes about how I got it on sale.

00:57:41Guest:There's a new site, guiltgroup.com.

00:57:43Guest:I can invite you.

00:57:44Guest:You have to be invited.

00:57:44Guest:And I can hook you up, brother.

00:57:45Guest:It's all good.

00:57:47Guest:And I just fucking talked and talked and talked and talked until he was like, you know what?

00:57:50Guest:That's OK.

00:57:50Guest:We'll get that bitch on the show.

00:57:52Guest:It's cool.

00:57:52Guest:I really do feel like that's how I got the part.

00:57:55Marc:But then did he say, like, tell me that site.

00:57:57Guest:Yeah, he didn't.

00:57:58Guest:But I think he was rather engaged by how ridiculous I was because I was so engulfed in the $35 that I saved on getting this watch that I was like, yo, dog, this shit is for real and it is legit.

00:58:14Guest:And I was like, and I got you.

00:58:17Guest:Just give me your email.

00:58:18Guest:We'll be straight.

00:58:19Guest:Yeah.

00:58:19Marc:And then you didn't even read the lines?

00:58:23Guest:No, no, I did that first.

00:58:25Guest:But as I was holding the paper, he saw the fabulous watch.

00:58:29Guest:Is that the watch?

00:58:30Guest:No, it's not.

00:58:31Guest:It's a different one?

00:58:32Guest:I make a little more money and I paid real money for this shit.

00:58:37Marc:And on that show, because I've talked to Polar, Aziz.

00:58:41Marc:Right.

00:58:42Marc:Now, it seems like it's a very organic show.

00:58:45Marc:Do you guys, like, is there improvising or is it all scripted?

00:58:48Marc:I honestly don't know.

00:58:50Guest:It is scripted.

00:58:52Guest:However, we have what we call the fun run.

00:58:55Guest:Yeah.

00:58:55Guest:Which is usually the last take.

00:58:58Guest:where we're allowed to do whatever.

00:58:59Guest:I mean, we're supposed to follow the storyline.

00:59:02Guest:But it usually gets so out of hand and so filthy and so blue that it rarely makes it to air.

00:59:11Guest:I mean... Like what?

00:59:15Guest:I won't tell you too much because then I don't want to be sued for slander.

00:59:18Guest:However, Nick Offerman...

00:59:21Marc:Genius.

00:59:22Guest:My first week there, because I didn't work with Nick the very first day I worked.

00:59:27Guest:I think it might have been the second or third day.

00:59:29Guest:And we had a conference room scene.

00:59:31Guest:I don't like the word pussy.

00:59:35Guest:Yeah.

00:59:36Guest:What do you prefer?

00:59:38Guest:Cooch.

00:59:40Guest:Makes me feel a little bit better.

00:59:42Guest:Cooty coo.

00:59:46Guest:I don't like the C word, and I don't like pussy.

00:59:49Guest:I can say pussy.

00:59:50Guest:C word, I might hit someone.

00:59:52Guest:And so he did some improv shit, and he referenced...

01:00:00Guest:My pussy.

01:00:01Guest:And I, as black as I am, I turned red.

01:00:05Guest:And I was kind of stunned during the headlights.

01:00:09Guest:And I was like, in my head, I was like, this motherfucker just fucking talked about my fucking cooch.

01:00:16What the fuck?

01:00:16Guest:And I was so thrown.

01:00:18Guest:And then when they yelled cut, he broke.

01:00:21Guest:And I was like, oh, so he was trying to be funny.

01:00:23Guest:I was like, he wasn't trying.

01:00:26Guest:Because I was about to step to this bitch.

01:00:28Guest:I was like, it's about to be on and popping.

01:00:31Guest:And I realized that they're very blue and they're willing to go anywhere for the laugh.

01:00:36Guest:And so...

01:00:37Guest:I'm not as... I'm better at it.

01:00:41Guest:I'm not an improver.

01:00:42Guest:I was never... I never did it.

01:00:44Guest:I was always intimidated by it.

01:00:46Guest:I'm better at it as a result because you have to kind of keep up.

01:00:50Guest:But they do allow us to say what we want.

01:00:53Guest:But it goes so far.

01:00:55Guest:It goes so far that, I mean...

01:00:59Guest:I don't know if any... We do the Paley Fest, and they showed our gag reel from this last season.

01:01:04Guest:There was so much simulated masturbation.

01:01:10Guest:It would never make the DVD.

01:01:11Guest:Not ever.

01:01:12Guest:Not ever.

01:01:13Guest:But the people who got to go to that Paley Fest got to experience how fucking dirty everybody was on that show.

01:01:20Marc:But how long were you doing comedy before you got the show?

01:01:22Guest:I started doing stand-up in 96.

01:01:24Marc:So, you know, pussy is not... I don't...

01:01:28Marc:No, I'm not saying... I'm not saying that you do.

01:01:32Marc:I'm a lady.

01:01:33Marc:Yeah, but you're in fucking comedy.

01:01:34Marc:These are the filthiest people in the world.

01:01:36Guest:All of you.

01:01:38Guest:I mean, I go to shows and I'm always like... I'm always freaked out.

01:01:42Guest:Guys who are filthy, I take it as...

01:01:46Guest:I'm like, ew, but I feel like guys are raised in mud.

01:01:51Guest:Like, they're always so... Girls who are really filthy freak me out.

01:01:56Guest:It freaks me out.

01:01:57Guest:I get uncomfortable.

01:01:58Guest:I get weird.

01:01:59Guest:I'm in the dark in the back going, God, I can't believe that bitch is talking about fingering at myself.

01:02:08Guest:Like, I get really freaked out by it.

01:02:10Guest:Really freaked out.

01:02:11Guest:It fucks me.

01:02:13Guest:And I'm a fucking dirty whore in my home and, you know, with the men who I allow up in the space, but I don't tell people about the details, you know?

01:02:24Guest:No?

01:02:24Guest:Nope.

01:02:27Guest:But I'll tell you, Brent, what's that?

01:02:31Guest:How you living?

01:02:34Guest:I know, you better disinfect your mouth.

01:02:38Guest:Do you like vagina?

01:02:39Guest:Do I like vagina?

01:02:40Guest:The word vagina.

01:02:41Guest:I'm okay with it.

01:02:43Guest:That's the original style.

01:02:44Guest:I'm not bothered by it.

01:02:45Guest:Yeah, that's old school.

01:02:46Guest:That's what I picked.

01:02:47Guest:That's cool.

01:02:49Marc:Okay, so you never talk about that kind of personal stuff on stage?

01:02:53Guest:Not on stage, no.

01:02:54Marc:Oh, okay.

01:02:55Marc:All right.

01:02:56Guest:But if you ask my girlfriends, they're like, that whore?

01:03:01Marc:So you grew up in New Jersey.

01:03:03Marc:Where did you go to school in North Carolina?

01:03:05Guest:I went to Duke University.

01:03:07Marc:Wow.

01:03:07Marc:That's a good one, right?

01:03:09Mm-hmm.

01:03:11Guest:Are you a Carolina fan?

01:03:12Guest:What's that?

01:03:13Guest:Are you a Carolina fan?

01:03:14Guest:North Carolina?

01:03:15Guest:I feel like you reacted to Duke.

01:03:16Guest:No, I don't care.

01:03:16Guest:Are you a state fan?

01:03:17Guest:I don't care about any of it.

01:03:19Guest:Oh, you're South Carolina.

01:03:20Guest:Hate education.

01:03:21Guest:Got it.

01:03:21Guest:Hate it.

01:03:22Guest:Down where I'm from, we don't talk about the books and whatnot.

01:03:25Guest:I feel you, dog.

01:03:26Guest:We just live it.

01:03:31Marc:What did you study over there?

01:03:33Guest:Sociology pre-med.

01:03:34Marc:Really?

01:03:35Marc:So you disappointed your parents?

01:03:37Guest:A little bit.

01:03:37Guest:At first.

01:03:38Guest:At first.

01:03:38Guest:Now they're like, oh, yeah.

01:03:40Guest:And now they're like, oh, shit, can you cover my insurance this month?

01:03:44Guest:I got you.

01:03:48Marc:Did you learn anything in sociology?

01:03:51Guest:I think, yeah, I think, well, sort of.

01:03:54Marc:I don't even know what that, what are you studying?

01:03:56Marc:Yeah, I'm sorry.

01:03:57Guest:It was like, there's like, you know, sociology of sports in society.

01:04:02Guest:Right.

01:04:02Guest:You know, medicine in society.

01:04:04Guest:It's a lot of bullshit, which is kind of why I chose to major.

01:04:09Marc:And what drove you to comedy?

01:04:11Marc:What was the moment?

01:04:12Guest:I've always been a performer.

01:04:14Guest:I did plays.

01:04:15Guest:I did plays in high school.

01:04:16Guest:I did plays in college.

01:04:18Guest:And when I graduated, I had a moment.

01:04:22Guest:It was the first time I lived by myself.

01:04:25Guest:And I used to talk to the TV, and I had moments of being stunned by what was on TV, like how bad it was.

01:04:34Guest:What would you say to the TV in general?

01:04:36Guest:I used to watch Central Park West.

01:04:38Guest:Do you remember that?

01:04:38Guest:That was an Aaron Spelling joint.

01:04:42Guest:And it was the nighttime soap, and it was super cheesy.

01:04:47Guest:And I just remember going, what?

01:04:50Guest:Really, bitch?

01:04:51Guest:I really get mad at characters when they do stupid shit.

01:04:54Guest:But then I was mad at characters, and then I was mad at the actors playing the characters, and I would be like...

01:05:00Guest:I could do this.

01:05:02Guest:I could fucking do this.

01:05:03Guest:I did a lot of that.

01:05:05Guest:I could do this.

01:05:06Guest:I could do this.

01:05:08Guest:And so I used to talk to my friend, and she was like, I said, but I wouldn't even, I don't want to do dramas or anything.

01:05:15Guest:I'm not into the Aaron Spelling vibe, but I would love to have my own sitcom.

01:05:20Guest:And my friend was like, well, why don't you do stand-up?

01:05:22Guest:Don't all stand-ups get their own show?

01:05:24Guest:And I'm in North Carolina, Durham, North Carolina.

01:05:26Guest:I was like...

01:05:26Guest:You know what?

01:05:27Guest:You're right.

01:05:28Guest:They all do.

01:05:29Guest:All of them.

01:05:30Guest:Every single one in L.A.

01:05:31Guest:does.

01:05:31Guest:You hear that, Ron?

01:05:32Guest:I'm on the right track.

01:05:36Guest:And so I took a drama class at the Raleigh Little Theater.

01:05:42Guest:How did that pan out?

01:05:45Guest:It was kind of some bullshit.

01:05:46Guest:Really?

01:05:46Guest:Like what?

01:05:47Guest:The teacher did my head shots.

01:05:50Guest:They shot from this.

01:05:51Guest:It was bad.

01:05:53Guest:It was nothing but chin and nostril.

01:05:56Guest:I was bad.

01:05:58Guest:But I did a lot of like

01:05:59Guest:folding laundry in front of the class and like partying and brushing your hair like it was it was special did you do any plays no no

01:06:14Guest:no I just took the class but after that but then after that I was my friend when my friend was like all comics you know get their own show you should just do stand up I was like you know what you're right girl you're right and so I just I started doing stand up I just started telling stories on stage and

01:06:32Guest:That's how I got into it, for real.

01:06:34Guest:Did you tour a lot before the thing?

01:06:37Guest:I did.

01:06:39Guest:I did NACA, National Association of Campus Cities.

01:06:42Guest:Oh, so your college act.

01:06:43Guest:Yes.

01:06:44Guest:That's how I paid my bills for a long time.

01:06:45Guest:That's good money in that.

01:06:46Marc:Yeah, yeah.

01:06:47Marc:So you can't be dirty on that shit, right?

01:06:49Guest:Well, I mean...

01:06:51Guest:No, you can.

01:06:52Guest:You can.

01:06:52Guest:Some can, but it's best, especially for the conferences, it's better if you're not.

01:06:56Guest:You get more bookings.

01:06:57Guest:Right.

01:06:58Marc:So that was your primary sort of paying your dues was the colleges.

01:07:02Guest:Yes.

01:07:03Guest:I did some clubs, but colleges was more money.

01:07:07Guest:I was like, fuck this bullshit club thing.

01:07:09Guest:I mean, unless you're famous, really, you're not, you're just, you're week to week.

01:07:14Marc:Yeah, who are your comics?

01:07:15Marc:Who are your guys and girls?

01:07:17Guest:I mean, I loved Chris Rock before I started is when Bring the Pain came out.

01:07:21Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:07:22Guest:And I was obsessed with it because I was amazed by – I loved watching it with different people.

01:07:27Guest:I loved watching it with educated black people.

01:07:31Guest:I loved watching it with not-so-educated black people.

01:07:34Guest:I loved watching it with black people who went to historically black colleges.

01:07:39Guest:I loved watching it with people who went to – with white people from Duke –

01:07:43Guest:with white people from Carolina.

01:07:45Marc:You were a sociology major.

01:07:47Guest:Yeah, I was fascinated.

01:07:50Guest:I was totally fascinated by the specific jokes that they thought were funny and the specific jokes that didn't even faze them.

01:07:58Marc:That was that big special with that one big bit about how black people see black people.

01:08:02Marc:Yes.

01:08:03Marc:And so that was the experiment.

01:08:07Guest:Now, when I think about it now, yeah, but... What'd you learn from that?

01:08:11Guest:people are different.

01:08:16Guest:People are different.

01:08:18Guest:Because I felt that, you know, people who went to, the black students who went to Duke who watched that

01:08:26Guest:It was just funny, funny, funny, funny.

01:08:30Guest:Black students who went to historically black colleges who watched it were like, huh.

01:08:36Guest:You know, like there was stuff that was funny, but then there was moments of, it's like someone telling you.

01:08:41Marc:Like, is this right?

01:08:42Marc:Is it like, should he be saying that in public?

01:08:44Guest:Yeah, kind of like, don't tell bitches what the fuck we're talking about.

01:08:47Guest:Like, that kind of thing.

01:08:48Guest:Like, you might want to keep that shit on the DL, that kind of thing.

01:08:50Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:52Guest:But it was enjoyable all around.

01:08:53Guest:i thought that was it was genius that thing i mean that that one bit changed the whole game for him but i kind of had to stop watching it because i found myself speaking with his cadence oh yeah when i watch a lot of comedy i tend especially with somebody like i tend to pick up what they do and so i actually you're pacing and grinning a lot

01:09:11Guest:Yes, I was.

01:09:12Guest:I remember when I first started doing comedy, I thought I was kind of New York-y.

01:09:17Guest:I thought you were supposed to be angry, so I was very angry.

01:09:19Guest:How does that look?

01:09:20Guest:And in Raleigh, North Carolina, the angry black bitch on stage did not get a lot of laughs.

01:09:27Guest:Yeah, they were not feeling this bitch.

01:09:29Guest:So it was kind of like, ah, all right.

01:09:34Guest:And then when I changed it, I was kind of like, ah,

01:09:37Guest:Dumbass.

01:09:37Guest:Then they were like, oh, okay, she's going.

01:09:40Guest:She's all right.

01:09:42Guest:So I kind of learned from it.

01:09:44Marc:Now I want to see you angry.

01:09:46Guest:Oh, I can get fucking angry.

01:09:48Guest:That's not the problem.

01:09:49Marc:Well, congratulations on all the success.

01:09:52Marc:Thanks for being on the show.

01:09:53Guest:I appreciate it.

01:09:53Guest:Thank you.

01:09:54Marc:Retta.

01:09:55Marc:Brent Weinbach, Ron Funches, Rory Scovo.

01:10:00Marc:You guys can take off if you want.

01:10:01Marc:I'm going to bring these.

01:10:02Marc:I go one-on-one with these other cats.

01:10:04Marc:You good?

01:10:04Marc:That was great.

01:10:06Marc:Thanks a lot, you guys.

01:10:09Marc:Wow, that was amazing.

01:10:12Marc:So now, those of you who come to these live shows, you know what happens now.

01:10:18Marc:My last two performers are regular performers on the live WTFs, and I need to give them a special type of attention.

01:10:27Marc:They don't mix well with others.

01:10:31Marc:Please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.

01:10:33Guest:Jim Earl.

01:10:45Guest:Hi, Mark.

01:10:47Guest:How are you?

01:10:48Guest:I'm fine, Jim.

01:10:48Guest:It's nice to see you.

01:10:49Guest:What's happening?

01:10:50Guest:Hey, you know, I'm just reading a lot.

01:10:52Guest:I read about you.

01:10:53Guest:I picked up that series, 10 episodes.

01:10:56Guest:Congrats on that.

01:10:57Guest:Thank you very much.

01:11:02Guest:I look forward to seeing that on Animal Planet.

01:11:07Marc:Yeah, and I'm getting all your Facebook updates about your self-published book.

01:11:10Marc:Congratulations.

01:11:11Guest:I think so.

01:11:14Marc:He has it with him.

01:11:15Guest:It's right here.

01:11:15Guest:That's right.

01:11:17Marc:I think I wrote the foreword to that, didn't I?

01:11:19Marc:Yes, you did.

01:11:20Marc:Yeah, I had a good time writing that.

01:11:21Guest:And Rachel Maddow wrote the afterword.

01:11:23Guest:Whatever.

01:11:24Guest:I...

01:11:26Guest:20 Millionaire did the cover.

01:11:28Marc:I like him.

01:11:29Guest:Yeah.

01:11:29Marc:You don't even know who he is.

01:11:31Marc:I interviewed him three weeks ago.

01:11:32Marc:Big deal.

01:11:32Marc:He did my cover.

01:11:33Marc:No, he's a fucking great artist.

01:11:35Marc:He did a picture of me two times.

01:11:38Guest:Hey, can I ask you a favor?

01:11:41Guest:Yeah.

01:11:43Guest:When they start casting The Kooky Neighbor.

01:11:45Guest:Yeah.

01:11:48Guest:Hey, just here.

01:11:50Guest:I'll go knock, knock.

01:11:51Guest:Okay.

01:11:52Guest:Hello.

01:11:53Guest:Who is it?

01:11:55Marc:Hey, Mark.

01:11:56Marc:How are you?

01:11:57Marc:It's me, Jim.

01:11:57Marc:Hey, Jim, from next door.

01:11:59Marc:What's going on?

01:12:00Guest:Oh, nothing much.

01:12:01Guest:What's... Oh, God, this isn't working.

01:12:06Marc:You want to have some... Try it again.

01:12:08Marc:One more time.

01:12:08Marc:Okay, knock.

01:12:10Marc:Who is it?

01:12:12Marc:Hello?

01:12:15Guest:Oh, fuck.

01:12:19Fuck.

01:12:19Guest:Get back to me on that, will you?

01:12:21Marc:Because I think I could really be the kooky neighbor.

01:12:23Marc:I think if you had some motivation, it would be good.

01:12:26Marc:Are you going to read from the book?

01:12:27Guest:Yeah, can I read a couple of obits?

01:12:29Marc:Sure, we want to start the music?

01:12:34Guest:These are your obituaries.

01:12:36Guest:Obituaries.

01:12:37Guest:Nice to see you.

01:12:40Guest:Arch West, creator of Doritos.

01:12:42Guest:Arch West, who 50 years ago took a warehouse full of cornmeal, MSG, and pork excretions and turned it into the world's first edible Superfund site, is now covered with an orange, crusty coating of crispy death.

01:13:02Guest:Doctors say dying was the only natural thing he did his whole life.

01:13:13Guest:A company spokesperson denied West died while testing his latest creation, double-fisted kettle-cooked carburetor cleaner flavored chips with tangy asbestos.

01:13:25Marc:That's a mouthful.

01:13:26Guest:It is.

01:13:28Guest:And that's why he died.

01:13:31Guest:You know, after writing these things for five or six years, I haven't gotten one hate email from it.

01:13:37Guest:None?

01:13:38Guest:Is that true?

01:13:38Guest:Well, I got one from somebody who knew the bread guy.

01:13:41Guest:Really?

01:13:41Guest:You did?

01:13:42Guest:Yeah.

01:13:43Guest:Oh, God, that's great.

01:13:46Guest:Did you bring books with you?

01:13:49Guest:I'm sorry?

01:13:49Guest:Did you bring books with you to sell?

01:13:51Guest:Yeah, I got a couple in the trunk.

01:13:52Guest:Do you?

01:13:53Guest:Yeah.

01:13:53Guest:All right, you should sell them after.

01:13:55Guest:How much do you think I should sell one of these for?

01:13:56Guest:Don't you have a price established?

01:13:58Guest:Yeah, but you know, the live audience, maybe they get a discount.

01:14:02Guest:Jim, you... Shut up.

01:14:06Marc:The guy went through all his trouble to self-publish a book, and you're going to want to, you know, like, chisel him down?

01:14:14Marc:Is that racist?

01:14:15Marc:Against chisels?

01:14:16Guest:Chisel?

01:14:18Guest:It's very offensive to the chisel race of people, yes.

01:14:24Guest:These things are selling like hotcakes, by the way.

01:14:27Guest:Are they?

01:14:27Guest:Yeah, if hotcakes were made out of cyanide.

01:14:32Guest:Nobody knows it's out there.

01:14:33Guest:It's dying on the limb.

01:14:34Guest:No, it's not.

01:14:35Guest:It's a book.

01:14:35Guest:It's always going to be there.

01:14:37Guest:It'll always be here, yeah.

01:14:38Marc:Yeah, in your trunk.

01:14:41Marc:No, no, no.

01:14:42Marc:Don't get all sad-faced.

01:14:46Marc:Are you going to finish that one?

01:14:47Guest:Yeah, I got a couple more lines.

01:14:48Guest:Arch West, the creator Doritos guy.

01:14:52Guest:Food historians say you can find vintage examples of the first Doritos ever manufactured still moldering inside Paul Sorvino's intestinal gas pockets.

01:15:03Guest:He's a big eater.

01:15:04Marc:Yeah.

01:15:07Marc:He could have went with a lot of people, but most people know what he looks like.

01:15:11Guest:You don't mind me getting kind of relaxed here by leaning back in the chair, do you?

01:15:14Guest:I'm glad you're relaxed.

01:15:15Guest:How come I never get invited in the garage?

01:15:19Guest:What do you want?

01:15:19Guest:You want to come to the garage?

01:15:20Guest:Well, not if I have to press you on it.

01:15:24Guest:Can I just get an invite to the garage?

01:15:26Guest:You know why?

01:15:29Guest:Why?

01:15:30Guest:All these celebs get invited to the garage, you know, and they open up, and it gets real, and then they start weeping.

01:15:38Guest:Some of them.

01:15:39Guest:But there's not a garage in this world big enough for my tears.

01:15:50Guest:So now I have to add to the garage?

01:15:55Guest:You're missing my point entirely.

01:16:00Guest:Maybe if you just ask me politely.

01:16:03Guest:Jim, would you like to come to the garage?

01:16:04Guest:No, I don't want to get in your fucking garage.

01:16:08Guest:Not at this stage in the game.

01:16:09Guest:It's too late.

01:16:10Guest:I got my own garage.

01:16:14Guest:That I'm living in.

01:16:19Guest:And on the corner, I sell pupusas during the day.

01:16:23Marc:Maybe add your book to that sales table.

01:16:29Marc:I don't think you're really pushing the book.

01:16:32Marc:Maybe a pupusa in a book.

01:16:34Guest:This book is worth at least half of what I'm selling it for.

01:16:37Marc:I've always enjoyed what you do.

01:16:44Yeah.

01:16:47Marc:Oh my God, I just had this image of us doing this 10 years from now.

01:16:51Marc:I think I forget just how many hours you and I have spent together.

01:16:58Marc:All right, go ahead.

01:17:02Guest:West asked that his remains be vacuumed from between the sofa's cushions before the dog gets to it.

01:17:10Guest:That's it, thank you very much.

01:17:12Marc:Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.

01:17:18Marc:You do have books.

01:17:19Marc:Do you have some?

01:17:20Guest:Oh, good, good.

01:17:21Guest:He'll be selling his book right out here, right?

01:17:26Guest:All right, let's get to the end of this.

01:17:32Marc:This guy's got a documentary out about himself.

01:17:35Marc:Um...

01:17:41Marc:He's pretty sure that's going to work.

01:17:44Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.

01:17:48Marc:Whatever you want.

01:17:49Marc:Whatever you want.

01:17:50Marc:Okay.

01:17:51Marc:I want to get closer.

01:17:52Marc:Okay.

01:17:53Marc:You got things written down there?

01:17:54Guest:Yeah, I was in a... I'm kind of in a poetry mood because I think...

01:17:59Guest:Things can be better.

01:18:01Guest:You know, I struggle with being a stand-up comedian.

01:18:06Guest:Yeah, I know.

01:18:07Guest:And I feel like being a poet might be the way to go.

01:18:11Marc:That's your plan B?

01:18:15Marc:You're like, this might not be working out, maybe poetry?

01:18:18Marc:I think you're heading the wrong direction, Eddie.

01:18:21Yeah.

01:18:21Guest:What about if clubs, like if clubs, because I feel like clubs are limiting.

01:18:26Guest:Do you?

01:18:27Guest:No.

01:18:28Guest:You don't?

01:18:28Guest:I do.

01:18:29Guest:I feel like I can't get up there and say like, Hootie and the Blowfish go into the dark night of America.

01:18:36Guest:I want to start a set like that.

01:18:38Guest:Do you know what I mean?

01:18:39Guest:The clanking of the motherfucking trains are so fucking loud that the homeless remind me of the birds in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, North by Northwest.

01:18:54Guest:Throw in a joke.

01:18:56Guest:Throw in a joke.

01:18:57Guest:Have you ever tried to do that?

01:19:00Guest:I have not tried to do that.

01:19:01Guest:Maybe I should.

01:19:02Marc:I think that if you open with the hoodie and the blowfish thing, people would be so fucking confused and they'd be so thrilled with your passion that they couldn't help but wait to see what came out of your fucking face after that.

01:19:14Guest:Maybe I should try that.

01:19:16Guest:No, I'm serious.

01:19:17Guest:The way I open up now in clubs, Mark, is I print out my tweets, like thousands of them, and I put them in a shitty folder, and I run on stage going, these are my tweets, and it's a very funny opening.

01:19:32Marc:That's funny.

01:19:33Marc:It is.

01:19:34Marc:Those tweets that are like, I think they're like binary tweets.

01:19:40Marc:Binary?

01:19:41Marc:Yeah, there's like, there's this thing and this thing.

01:19:47Marc:Okay, go ahead, finish.

01:19:47Marc:I'm sorry.

01:19:48Marc:I don't have anything to finish.

01:19:50Marc:I...

01:19:53Guest:It is about momentum for me.

01:19:56Guest:Do you know what I mean?

01:19:58Guest:It is so about momentum.

01:20:00Guest:It isn't about... For me, stand-up is not about thoughtfully crafted chunks of material.

01:20:08Guest:Right.

01:20:10Guest:No, it's not.

01:20:11Guest:No, I know that.

01:20:12Guest:It's like, hello, hello, what a fucking life we live.

01:20:16Guest:Like that kind of thing.

01:20:18Guest:And hope that goes somewhere.

01:20:19Guest:Like...

01:20:21Guest:And it's scary.

01:20:23Guest:It's scary.

01:20:24Guest:It's scary.

01:20:25Guest:I was in Santa Monocle.

01:20:26Guest:Santa Monocle would be a weird place.

01:20:30Guest:Everybody would just... That monocle.

01:20:32Guest:Yeah.

01:20:33Marc:Yeah.

01:20:34Marc:That was a weird explanation.

01:20:35Marc:That wasn't even really a riff.

01:20:37Marc:It was just... It was like you felt compelled to follow it through.

01:20:41Marc:Like, Santa Monocle and everyone's got a monocle.

01:20:47Guest:Yes, and that's what the documentary is about.

01:20:48Guest:The guy who can't riff anymore.

01:20:51Guest:The guy who can't riff anymore.

01:20:53Marc:He just starts things where he picks up a bottle of water and goes, ooh, water, maybe I should, I lost it.

01:21:01Guest:And I go on trains and subways in New York and I'm like, folks, I used to be able to riff.

01:21:07Guest:And now, ah, fuck it.

01:21:09Guest:Like, that's me on the train.

01:21:11Guest:You see, it's gone.

01:21:14Guest:It's gone.

01:21:15Guest:It's gone.

01:21:16Guest:I need your help, obviously.

01:21:19Guest:If you can look in your heart.

01:21:22Guest:Wait, it's coming back.

01:21:23Guest:What the fuck is up with yoga?

01:21:26Guest:Like, just go into that.

01:21:28Guest:Like, that'd be good on a train.

01:21:30Guest:New York, anyway.

01:21:32Guest:I'm scared of other cities.

01:21:33Marc:Have you ever tried that?

01:21:35Marc:The train?

01:21:36Marc:Yeah.

01:21:37Marc:In New York?

01:21:38Marc:Yeah.

01:21:38Marc:No.

01:21:39Marc:You'd be great at that.

01:21:41Marc:Yeah, you think so?

01:21:42Marc:Are you kidding me?

01:21:43Marc:Do you remember being on trains in New York?

01:21:44Marc:Yeah.

01:21:44Marc:You never knew what the fuck was going to come on the train?

01:21:46Marc:Oh, totally.

01:21:47Marc:And there was that moment where you'd feel it before it happened.

01:21:50Marc:Like, what just happened in here?

01:21:51Marc:Oh, shit, that guy.

01:21:53Marc:Yeah.

01:21:54Marc:That guy.

01:21:55Marc:You remember the guy that used to play saxophone badly until people paid him money and he'd stop?

01:22:00Marc:That guy was a genius.

01:22:01Marc:He would get on the fucking end train.

01:22:04Marc:He'd be like, oh my fucking Christ, why is this happening?

01:22:10Marc:And then they'd give him money so he would stop and he'd go the next train.

01:22:13Guest:I think profession should go on the train now.

01:22:15Guest:Hi, folks.

01:22:16Guest:I'm from the high school over here.

01:22:19Guest:None of the kids listen to me.

01:22:21Guest:I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

01:22:24Guest:I have a curriculum and they don't want to hear it.

01:22:28Guest:They're all fucking in their e-pods anyway.

01:22:32Guest:They're all talking about Groove Shark or Pandora.

01:22:35Guest:They read shit on Pitchfork.

01:22:37Guest:What the fuck do I know?

01:22:39Marc:And then he says, now who wants to learn algebra?

01:22:44Guest:That would be funny, like a freelance algebra teacher.

01:22:47Marc:Write it down, dude.

01:22:49Marc:Write it down.

01:22:50Guest:But I was in Santa Monica today, you know, because I... Was it really today?

01:22:56Guest:It was today, yeah, seriously.

01:22:58Guest:And you go to the West Side in L.A., and you're there after four.

01:23:02Guest:You don't either?

01:23:03Marc:I don't either.

01:23:03Marc:It takes a day to get there.

01:23:05Guest:Fucking a day to get there.

01:23:06Guest:What kind of shit is that?

01:23:09Guest:What kind of shit?

01:23:10Marc:You know, I can't handle it.

01:23:11Marc:My girlfriend has to work there every day.

01:23:12Marc:She leaves at like four in the morning just to get downtown.

01:23:15Guest:Do you go there but for the grace of God?

01:23:17Guest:Like that kind of thing?

01:23:18Guest:Like as she's going out, you're like in your head going, oh my God.

01:23:22Guest:She's a hero.

01:23:24Marc:Yes, I do that every day.

01:23:26Guest:Ah, it's so fucked up.

01:23:28Marc:Unless she wakes up and goes, fuck, it's late.

01:23:30Marc:And then I have to get up and make coffee like today.

01:23:33Marc:But I don't mind that.

01:23:35Marc:Baby, baby, baby.

01:23:37Marc:Calm down.

01:23:37Marc:Let me ease your way into this day.

01:23:39Marc:That's right.

01:23:41Marc:I do that.

01:23:41Marc:I did that today.

01:23:43Marc:You did?

01:23:43Marc:I'm fucking exhausted.

01:23:47Marc:But that's okay.

01:23:48Guest:That's okay, yeah.

01:23:49Guest:Relationships are sacrifice.

01:23:51Guest:How's yours going?

01:23:52Guest:It's going good.

01:23:53Guest:Yeah?

01:23:53Guest:It's going good.

01:23:54Guest:I'm growing up.

01:23:55Guest:This year.

01:23:56Guest:Why is that funny?

01:23:59Guest:Why is that?

01:24:00Guest:Did you see that reaction?

01:24:02Guest:You imagine if my shrink was like that?

01:24:04Guest:Like, I'm growing up.

01:24:05Marc:That would be so good for you.

01:24:09Guest:Do you know that today in therapy I was talking to my... Is that why you went to Santa Monica?

01:24:14Guest:No, I had a voiceover.

01:24:16Guest:You forced it out of me.

01:24:16Guest:I had a voiceover thing.

01:24:18Guest:You want to run it?

01:24:21Guest:No.

01:24:21Guest:What was it for?

01:24:23Guest:I did an episode of House and they had me loop.

01:24:26Guest:Oh.

01:24:27Guest:So I was stuck on the fucking west side, and I went to the beach.

01:24:31Guest:And this is always my plan.

01:24:32Guest:Like, you know what?

01:24:32Guest:I'm on the west side.

01:24:33Guest:I'm not going back east.

01:24:35Guest:I'll wait in Santa Monica for three hours and fucking go on the beach.

01:24:39Guest:And it was nice.

01:24:40Guest:Like, I power walked on the beach.

01:24:42Guest:You power walked?

01:24:43Guest:Yeah, and I wrote a little poem.

01:24:45Guest:I said, I weep for the hungry pigeons left over from the Hitchcock movie, North by Northwest.

01:24:53Oh.

01:24:59Guest:That's funny to slip in north by north.

01:25:02Guest:You know, when I write a joke, I love it.

01:25:04Guest:It worked better the second time.

01:25:05Guest:It worked better the second time.

01:25:08Guest:That's the thing.

01:25:08Guest:When you yell, it works better second time.

01:25:10Guest:One can't.

01:25:12Guest:One can't talk about health care.

01:25:15Guest:or unions or good jobs or ending wars with a shattered heart and a scared mind.

01:25:23Guest:We are the dying wildlife of the planet.

01:25:28Guest:Dying, never to be born again, never.

01:25:31Guest:But wait, Groove Shark is doing a feature on the shins or the fleet foxes.

01:25:38Guest:I don't fucking know.

01:25:41Guest:All I know is I'm gonna make money next week.

01:25:43Guest:Maybe I'm projecting.

01:25:48Guest:That's what happens with me.

01:25:50Marc:It sounds like a nice day at the beach.

01:25:52Marc:What's that?

01:25:55Marc:It's so funny.

01:25:56Marc:When I try to make a joke for them, you're the only one who laughs at it.

01:25:59Guest:No, they laughed at it.

01:26:00Marc:You don't hear the laughter?

01:26:02Marc:I just realized that I love to make you laugh because it's hilarious.

01:26:05Marc:Yeah, I like to laugh.

01:26:06Marc:I know you do.

01:26:07Marc:You're so sweet.

01:26:08Marc:I'm a big laugher.

01:26:09Marc:I'm a big laugher.

01:26:10Marc:Yeah.

01:26:12Marc:But it's weird because when you laugh, we all see the real you.

01:26:18Guest:You know, you always get me with this shit.

01:26:22Guest:You always start in on me about the real fucking me.

01:26:26Guest:Like, I'm just a fucking hall of mirrors all the time.

01:26:30Guest:Like, hey, Mark, I'm like, I'm carrying, hey, what mask am I wearing?

01:26:35Guest:That's what I feel after being with you for five seconds.

01:26:39Guest:Like, Eddie, oh, we finally saw the real you.

01:26:41Guest:I'm like...

01:26:42Guest:What do I come at you with?

01:26:43Guest:Hey, I got a mustache.

01:26:45Guest:I got a fucking Orthodox Jew beard on.

01:26:47Guest:What the fuck are you talking about?

01:26:50Guest:I'm not wearing masks.

01:26:54Guest:Does your shrink do anything?

01:26:57Guest:Today, I was role-playing with my fucking demon.

01:27:00Marc:Oh, and I'm an asshole.

01:27:01Marc:And I'm an asshole for saying that to real you.

01:27:03Marc:And you're about to start a story that you're role-playing with your demon.

01:27:06Marc:But I'm an asshole.

01:27:07Guest:I don't see how the two are connected.

01:27:09Guest:Well, let's see your demon.

01:27:11Guest:Well, I was like, oh, you want to see the demon?

01:27:13Guest:Oh, I don't know about that.

01:27:15Guest:I don't know about that.

01:27:17Guest:It's too fucking heavy.

01:27:18Guest:But I wanted to tell you that I role play and it's hilarious because my shrink sweet woman got her through after.

01:27:24Guest:Um...

01:27:26Guest:That's a good health care point.

01:27:27Guest:The mental health and the after is good.

01:27:28Guest:The mental health is good, but the dental.

01:27:30Guest:Terrible.

01:27:31Guest:Holy shit.

01:27:32Guest:And I get in arguments with them.

01:27:33Guest:I'm like, I'm an actor.

01:27:35Guest:Like, I get so mad.

01:27:36Guest:I'm like, I'm an actor.

01:27:38Guest:How can you not cover a fucking cavity?

01:27:41Guest:They don't even cover a cavity.

01:27:42Marc:I'm going to try a root canal.

01:27:44Marc:That fucking costs me the price of a car, and it's not even fit right.

01:27:48Guest:Yeah, they come out.

01:27:49Marc:The root canals come out at the worst fucking times.

01:27:52Marc:This never came out, though.

01:27:53Guest:At the worst times.

01:27:55Guest:Can I have a latte?

01:27:56Guest:Bang, it comes out.

01:27:58Guest:The barista.

01:27:59Guest:What the fuck is that?

01:28:01Guest:I said, after health care.

01:28:05Yeah.

01:28:05Marc:The fucking root canals.

01:28:06Marc:But did you have this moment where, you know, I didn't realize that dentists do this thing like fucking car salesmen.

01:28:12Marc:Like they do the root canal and they're like, so do you want to hear what else you need to have done?

01:28:16Marc:Oh, totally.

01:28:17Marc:And it's like this whole list of shit.

01:28:19Marc:Have you had that moment where you're like, I'm 48.

01:28:21Marc:How long do I really fucking need these teeth?

01:28:25Marc:I mean, I'm hanging on to a dream here.

01:28:28Marc:I'm just going to let it fucking go.

01:28:29Marc:What's the worst that's going to happen?

01:28:31Guest:I've started to let them go.

01:28:32Guest:I'm 53, and I've started to let a couple of teeth go.

01:28:37Guest:That doesn't sound good.

01:28:38Guest:Believe me, still buy my album.

01:28:42Guest:There's some kind of fucking thing about age.

01:28:45Guest:Like, oh, fuck, I'm 53.

01:28:47Marc:You've got to just pick different people to judge yourself against.

01:28:53Guest:Yeah, I don't like young people.

01:28:55Guest:Don't go young.

01:28:56Marc:Rodney didn't really kick it until he really started really doing it in his 60s.

01:29:01Marc:Is that right?

01:29:02Marc:Yeah, see, there you go.

01:29:02Marc:I gave you a gift.

01:29:04Marc:I like that.

01:29:05Guest:I like that.

01:29:08Guest:He ended bad, though.

01:29:09Guest:They all end bad.

01:29:10Guest:People at the end of their lives are a fucking mess.

01:29:15Guest:That's a favorite line of mine.

01:29:16Guest:You didn't react to that.

01:29:17Guest:I think that's a funny line.

01:29:19Guest:People at the end of their lives are a fucking mess.

01:29:22Marc:It's a funny line, but it's just true.

01:29:25Marc:No, it's not mean.

01:29:26Marc:People don't want to think about that shit.

01:29:28Marc:They don't want to think about it.

01:29:29Marc:Do you?

01:29:31Marc:I think about it all the time.

01:29:33Marc:Really?

01:29:33Marc:I think about mortality.

01:29:35Guest:You do?

01:29:36Marc:A lot.

01:29:37Marc:How does that manifest itself?

01:29:39Marc:Just fear at night.

01:29:43Mm-hmm.

01:29:44Guest:Fear late at night.

01:29:45Marc:Sure, just laying there listening to your breath.

01:29:49Guest:I'm laying there just going, ah, things are going good, but I'm going to fucking die.

01:29:54Guest:I'm going to die just when I'm getting really good.

01:29:57Marc:And is that when you wake up your girlfriend and go, am I going to die?

01:30:00Marc:I always talk to her about it.

01:30:03Guest:And she always just puts a hand on me and goes, think good thoughts.

01:30:07Yeah.

01:30:07Marc:That's all I get.

01:30:09Marc:Think of dogs.

01:30:10Marc:I want to know about that exercise.

01:30:12Marc:Can you just explain the exercise to me?

01:30:14Guest:The role playing?

01:30:15Guest:Yeah.

01:30:15Guest:You never did that with a shrink?

01:30:16Guest:I don't do it with shrinks.

01:30:18Guest:You don't, I bet.

01:30:19Guest:I don't.

01:30:20Guest:You don't have the kind of fucking... It's a fucking racket.

01:30:26Guest:Partly.

01:30:29Guest:Partly, but I'd like to be the union leader for a shrink, like a Hoffa guy, and be like, God damn it!

01:30:35Guest:We gotta uncover these fucking people's delusions!

01:30:42Guest:Let's fucking get in there.

01:30:45Guest:Let's not just sit there and go, tell me how you feel.

01:30:49Guest:Let's fucking go into these goddamn people's psyches.

01:30:54Guest:For Christ's fucking sake, what are we, a bunch of cushions and couches?

01:31:00Guest:We're fucking people with blood running through our veins.

01:31:05Guest:Freud was a fucking lunatic.

01:31:08Marc:That's who we... Like, I'd like to be a real... I'd like to be a really... I think we should go out on that.

01:31:16Marc:Let's do it.

01:31:16Marc:You want to go out on that?

01:31:17Marc:That's good.

01:31:18Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.

01:31:21Marc:Kick up the music.

01:31:22Marc:Thank you for coming out to Live WTF.

01:31:28Marc:I really appreciate you guys coming.

01:31:29Marc:Hope you had a good time.

01:31:31Marc:And I should just go.

01:31:35Marc:Thank you.

01:32:03you