Episode 292 - Live From Gilda's LaughFest

Episode 292 • Released June 27, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:What the fuck next?

00:00:11Marc:What the fuck it here?

00:00:31Marc:What the fuck... What the fuck... What would I... What the fucking ganders?

00:00:37Marc:Would that work?

00:00:37Marc:All right.

00:00:40Marc:I wasn't sure how to do it.

00:00:42Marc:I am Marc Maron.

00:00:43Marc:This is a live WTF from the Laugh Fest in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

00:00:53Marc:Holy shit.

00:00:53Marc:Look at this.

00:00:57Marc:You guys are fucking awesome.

00:01:01Marc:all right good that's good I've had a fine time in your city for two days I regret to say yeah no it's been great I had good food and I didn't realize that the the entire city was built on a pyramid scheme but I am

00:01:22Marc:like this we're at the top of the pyramid that just trickles down level to level to just disappointed people who buy the kit like i never even know how the fuck amway makes money i've known people they're like i got this stuff i'm gonna go out and sell it and then you go to their house and like oh that's in the closet it didn't work out for me

00:01:45Marc:I remember doing it once when I was in high school.

00:01:48Marc:I fucking thought I had it nailed.

00:01:49Marc:Some dude I went to high school with was, what do they call them, managers?

00:01:53Marc:He was a distributor, right?

00:01:55Marc:An Amway distributor.

00:01:56Marc:And he's like, I can set you up with a kit and you can make a fortune.

00:01:59Marc:I'm in high school.

00:02:00Marc:I'm like, all right, that sounds great.

00:02:01Marc:So I get the kit.

00:02:02Marc:I get like two bottles of the cleaning shit.

00:02:04Marc:And I got this idea in my head that all I got to do is go to every gas station in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and sell them a 50-gallon drum and this solvent, and I'm going to fucking have this ace.

00:02:14Marc:I'm going to make a million dollars.

00:02:16Marc:I went to one gas station, and the guy's like, we get our own solvent.

00:02:19Marc:What are you fucking kidding me?

00:02:20Marc:That was the end of my salesmanship.

00:02:24Marc:That was the end of my Amway dream.

00:02:26Marc:Just went right out the window, and I had this Ziploc leather pouch for the money I didn't make.

00:02:33LAUGHTER

00:02:35Marc:But I can't believe those guys, they own this town.

00:02:37Marc:Is that what the deal is?

00:02:38Marc:Does Amway... And you're all proud of that on some level?

00:02:44Marc:How many of you actually sell Amway, please?

00:02:46Marc:How many people sell Amway in here?

00:02:48Marc:That's fucking hilarious.

00:02:51Marc:Not one of you sells Amway.

00:02:55Marc:How many of you even know Amway salespeople?

00:02:58Marc:Then what the fuck is going on?

00:03:01Marc:This is my point exactly.

00:03:04Marc:It's got to be some sort of Illuminati thing.

00:03:06Marc:It's got to be some broader conspiracy.

00:03:10Marc:Are they only making money on idiots that think they can sell it and they pay $6 for the kid or whatever?

00:03:16Marc:That is brilliant bullshit.

00:03:19Marc:Oh, that is beautiful.

00:03:20Marc:They built a hotel I'm staying in.

00:03:24Marc:It's all built on desperate people's dreams to sell...

00:03:29Marc:products that nobody believes in.

00:03:31Marc:And all Amway products, if I recall correctly, you had to do, like, one part Amway product to 90 gallons of water, like anything you sold.

00:03:41Marc:It's like, it's a great cleaner, but be sure you mix it, because it's really concentrated, and the label sucked, and there's no reason anyone would want to buy that shit, and I don't know.

00:03:48Marc:I think we should investigate this.

00:03:52Marc:What else is going on?

00:03:53Marc:Didn't make it to the Gerald Ford Museum.

00:03:56Marc:Really?

00:03:58Marc:You're disappointed?

00:04:02Marc:Well, no, I can look at it from my hotel room, and to me, like, every morning I looked at it, and I kind of laughed to myself.

00:04:08Marc:I mean, I know he was the president, but I don't know anything about him, and I knew that he was sort of a buffoon on some level.

00:04:15Marc:Like, I wasn't old enough to really register what he was politically in any way, but just the fact that there's a big museum there, I'm like, what could they have in there?

00:04:22Marc:Like a football helmet and, like, some shoes that he tripped in?

00:04:26Marc:You know, I don't...

00:04:32Marc:You have Ford there in Dearborn?

00:04:36Marc:Well, yeah, but he also made cars.

00:04:37Marc:You know, I'm not a Nazi apologist, but yeah, Henry Ford was not a good guy.

00:04:42Marc:But I think as it trickled down into the Mustang, we can all accept that.

00:04:48Marc:It's amazing how forgiving Americans are.

00:04:50Marc:It's like Henry Ford was a Nazi, but like... He didn't make this car.

00:05:00Marc:No one's not buying Ford cars on principle.

00:05:06Marc:He was a Nazi.

00:05:07Marc:Okay, I'll never drive a Model T. Yeah.

00:05:14Marc:I got a big show here.

00:05:16Marc:I want to thank everybody for bringing me stuff.

00:05:18Marc:This was supposed to be fudge, but it's not fudge.

00:05:21Marc:It's homemade brownies, which always make me nervous.

00:05:24Marc:Um...

00:05:26Marc:No, I like them, but like everyone I talk to about receiving food from you people, like people who are not necessarily what the fuck people, they're like, and you eat it?

00:05:35Marc:And I'm like, yeah, my fans are good people.

00:05:38Marc:And I know at some point I'm going to eat one and I'm going to spend three days awake watching the rug move.

00:05:48Marc:And I'm going to say that person wasn't a nice person.

00:05:54Marc:But for some reason, this has a Magnum condom in it, which I appreciate the optimism.

00:06:03Marc:And the implication is that the brownies are so good, you'll need one of these.

00:06:09Marc:What do you think I'm gonna do with these brownies?

00:06:12Marc:And if they're that good, why would I have to protect myself?

00:06:19Marc:and then they like i i think they were doing they made me a button and i think it's a riff on my nerd cock idea but they just wrote mark cock i'm not sure how to it's nice i appreciate the effort but not unlike the nerd cock shirt i don't think i can wear a mark cock button but i appreciate it and thank you for the two cupcakes and thank you for the pie you all right buddy

00:06:48Marc:I believe that.

00:06:49Marc:This is a very considerate gift of Red Wing boot polish and products.

00:06:57Marc:And happy birthday to you, Jill.

00:06:59Marc:Jill, is it Jill?

00:07:00Marc:It's happy birthday.

00:07:01Marc:It's her 16th birthday, folks.

00:07:03Marc:16th.

00:07:09Marc:16 is exciting, man.

00:07:12Marc:You don't know what the fuck is going to happen to you.

00:07:15Marc:There are so many things that are going to be so fun in the future and so disappointing.

00:07:19Marc:Look forward to it.

00:07:24Marc:You think this is the high point of your life?

00:07:26Marc:Wow.

00:07:27Marc:Okay.

00:07:30Marc:I appreciate that.

00:07:31Marc:And I hope that's not true for your sake.

00:07:35Marc:Oh, and thank you.

00:07:36Marc:What's your name?

00:07:37Marc:I'm sorry.

00:07:38Marc:Indian guy.

00:07:39Marc:What?

00:07:40Marc:Rishi.

00:07:40Marc:Thank you for this.

00:07:42Marc:He gave me a book on India, so I will go.

00:07:46Marc:Can I read what you wrote, maybe?

00:07:47Marc:Okay.

00:07:49Marc:Next time you're in Michigan, email me about food.

00:07:51Marc:Hi, Mark.

00:07:51Marc:You've talked to the girl from the office and Russell Peters and countless other people about how you simply adore Indian food, the ganache, but you still haven't been to the world's oldest country.

00:08:03Marc:Indian people do much more than eat spicy food and have swamp butt.

00:08:13Marc:They beat their wives too.

00:08:17Marc:Hopefully this book demystifies the country for you and inspires a live WTF from Mumbai.

00:08:34Marc:I'm going to go at some point.

00:08:36Marc:I will.

00:08:37Marc:I swear to God.

00:08:38Marc:Let's read a few emails and bring some people up.

00:08:40Marc:Thanks from a small island.

00:08:43Marc:Dear Mr. Marin, I just want to say thanks for the podcast.

00:08:47Marc:I'm a volunteer employed by the U.S.

00:08:48Marc:government, and I've been living in... How do you say that?

00:08:52Marc:What is it?

00:08:54Marc:Are you the guy?

00:08:57Marc:Vanuatu?

00:08:58Marc:Well, don't say it like everyone fucking knows.

00:09:05Marc:Nobody here knows that but you.

00:09:06Marc:And if this were a mob-oriented situation, we'd hate you for your intelligence.

00:09:16Marc:I've been living in Vanuatu, which is a small group of islands in the South Pacific, for six months now.

00:09:23Marc:Your podcast has kept me entertained and makes dealing with giant centipedes... Wait, here comes the parenthetically, and this is in parentheses.

00:09:32Marc:12 inches long with giant poisonous spikes on each end, and when you cut them in half, both sides will run around and try to bite you.

00:09:41Marc:They are fucking terrible, terrible creatures.

00:09:44Marc:I call them Satan's semen.

00:09:48Marc:That's the end of the parentheses.

00:09:52Marc:And then, and then, giant spiders, parentheses, size of my hand with fingers outstretched, covered with hair, but they don't bite, thank God, end of parentheses.

00:10:00Marc:Rats, lack of electricity, lack of running water, cold bucket showers, island kakai?

00:10:08Marc:Food?

00:10:08Marc:K-A-K-A-E, sir?

00:10:14Marc:Nothing, nothing, sir?

00:10:15Marc:Nothing?

00:10:16Marc:Nothing?

00:10:17Marc:Huh?

00:10:18Marc:Want to Google it, fuckface?

00:10:20Marc:Come on.

00:10:24Marc:I'm kidding, buddy.

00:10:25Marc:I'm kidding.

00:10:27Marc:In parentheses, it says, or island food, supposedly.

00:10:31Marc:Constant diarrhea, constant heat, and fever slightly more bearable.

00:10:36Marc:Wow.

00:10:38Marc:He says, and then he goes, I teach kids computer here, and I actually love it.

00:10:44Marc:After that list of bullshit?

00:10:46Marc:Vanuatu has the slowest internet in the world, and it takes about four to six hours to download an episode.

00:10:52Marc:But so far, I've managed to snag all the latest ones from episode 200.

00:10:56Marc:Not only is the podcast hilarious, but personally, do I dare say, I find it enlightening and feel like I've learned some valuable life lessons from listening to you and your guests.

00:11:05Marc:Not the one that tells you to get the fuck off that island.

00:11:08Marc:No.

00:11:08Marc:Oh, my God.

00:11:09Marc:How can that not be enlightening when you're sitting there looking at centipedes, shitting water, eating horrible food?

00:11:14Marc:Like, how could I not be enlightening?

00:11:16Marc:I would think that just electricity would be good.

00:11:21Marc:No, I'm glad he's doing service out there.

00:11:23Marc:Scariest fucking thing ever, subject line.

00:11:28Marc:This is a long story, but I thought the last part was funny.

00:11:31Marc:I live in the East Bay.

00:11:32Marc:While finishing up at work, I got a call that my sister was being taken to the hospital by an ambulance from a concert due to alcohol poisoning.

00:11:39Marc:Naturally, I got in my car and made my way south.

00:11:41Marc:It was pouring fucking rain, and on 880 South, I hydroplaned, hit the wall three times, spun into traffic.

00:11:46Marc:Luckily, no cars ran into me, and I was able to reverse onto the shoulder.

00:11:50Marc:But out of the five cars that I had to swerve out of my way, and 150 that must have passed me while I was waving my arms for help, not one person stopped for me.

00:11:59Marc:Aww.

00:12:00Marc:I coasted.

00:12:00Marc:I coasted my car for a mile.

00:12:04Marc:I found an exit and got my hoopty into a Chevron.

00:12:08Marc:What's a hoopty?

00:12:12Marc:A joopty?

00:12:13Marc:Well, you're not.

00:12:15Marc:This guy got that one.

00:12:19Marc:I'm sorry, I didn't grow up where the fuck they use that word.

00:12:22Marc:I got my hoopty into a Chevron.

00:12:25Marc:Between the three impacts and the spinning, the inside of my car looked like a shake and bake bag.

00:12:29Marc:Really?

00:12:30Marc:Was your car filled with crumbs?

00:12:37Marc:Were you eating 90 muffins in your car?

00:12:40Yeah.

00:12:44Marc:And I could not find my phone.

00:12:46Marc:The three phone numbers that I had memorized were not being answered, so I got a CHP to help me search my car with a flashlight from my phone.

00:12:51Marc:I was able to call for help, get my car towed back to my house, and get a ride to the hospital to see my sister.

00:12:56Marc:And I walked away from a disastrous accident with nothing but a broken finger and a sprained ankle.

00:13:00Marc:Now, the reason I'm bitching to you about this, when I crashed, I was listening to the Fred Willard episode.

00:13:08Marc:For the life of me, I cannot recall a single thing that you two said, but on arguably the worst night of my life, stranded in a total car in the rain on the side of the freeway and losing faith in humanity, all I could hear was my heartbeat and your voice.

00:13:24Marc:In a weird way, it was like you were in the car with me and your at-the-time soothing tone.

00:13:31Marc:Actually must have caught me on a good moment there.

00:13:33Marc:Calmed me down and reminded me that I was alive and should probably get out of the way of traffic and far from the mini lake that killed my 2001 Saturn SL.

00:13:41Marc:I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you, I guess.

00:13:45Marc:And then the last line is just, fuck, I need to take care of insurance shit.

00:13:54Marc:and get a rental car.

00:13:57Marc:Let's do this one and then bring the guests up.

00:14:00Marc:Oh, no subject, but this is the greatest opening line of an email I've had.

00:14:04Marc:Mark, I'm writing you this with a bag of frozen corn on my balls.

00:14:16Marc:I got turned on to your podcast a couple weeks ago, and I've been listening to the past episodes every chance I get.

00:14:22Marc:I'm enjoying it very much.

00:14:23Marc:Anyway, today I went in to get a vasectomy.

00:14:27Marc:And rather than listen to music, I thought it would be a good idea to listen to your latest podcast during the procedure.

00:14:32Marc:I thought a little comic relief would be good to keep my mind off of all of things.

00:14:38Marc:So it's me and a doctor alone in a room.

00:14:41Marc:He's manipulating my balls to get things ready to slice and dice, and you're doing your intro to the show.

00:14:48Marc:Next thing I know, he's got me cut open, and he's snipping and ripping, and you're in the middle of a Stamps.com commercial.

00:14:58Marc:Don't get me wrong.

00:15:00Marc:As far as commercials go, you do a great job of keeping things entertaining, even when you're selling something, but this is far from your best material, and it's going on for a while.

00:15:08Marc:The doctor pretty much gets things done before you finish trying to sell me on this internet-based postage service.

00:15:18Marc:And things just aren't panning out the way I had hoped.

00:15:21Marc:I felt like I timed a porno wrong and ended up blowing my load to Ron Jeremy's O-face.

00:15:32Marc:How's 16 feeling?

00:15:33Marc:Good?

00:15:37Marc:Anyway...

00:15:39Marc:I was a little bummed because I thought the whole story would be funnier.

00:15:42Marc:Maybe you would say something funny as I was getting my ball sliced.

00:15:46Marc:Maybe I would think of something funny to add to the situation, but nothing that funny was happening.

00:15:51Marc:And I was worried this was going to be a shitty story with no strong joke to finish on.

00:15:55Marc:Then I sat up and went to put my pants on and noticed that the doctor had put a little pink Hello Kitty Band-Aid on my ball sack.

00:16:07Marc:Fantastic.

00:16:09Marc:The fucking doctor was the funniest motherfucker in the room.

00:16:11Marc:Who knew?

00:16:12Marc:Loved the show.

00:16:14Marc:Numb nuts.

00:16:19Marc:You are a fabulous crowd.

00:16:22Marc:It's my pleasure to bring out our first comedian who opens for me frequently on the road and just won an honor, an award here at the festival.

00:16:33Marc:It's best in the Midwest.

00:16:34Marc:Please welcome Amber Preston.

00:16:40Guest:Thank you.

00:16:43Guest:Yeah.

00:16:43Guest:Amber Preston.

00:16:49Marc:How's your mic sound?

00:16:49Marc:Good?

00:16:50Guest:How does my mic sound?

00:16:51Guest:I feel like it's good.

00:16:53Guest:Yeah.

00:16:54Guest:She loves it.

00:16:55Marc:Yeah.

00:16:55Marc:You sound all Minnesotan.

00:16:57Guest:Oh.

00:16:58Guest:Yeah, well, thank you.

00:17:01Guest:I see the red wing and it just jumped out at me.

00:17:03Guest:Yeah, the red wing.

00:17:04Guest:Real good, real good.

00:17:04Guest:Did somebody bring this to you?

00:17:06Guest:Yeah.

00:17:06Guest:Did somebody bring this?

00:17:07Guest:Who brought the red?

00:17:09Guest:Oh, yeah, real good.

00:17:12Guest:I'm so excited.

00:17:13Guest:Your garage is beautiful, Mark.

00:17:16It is.

00:17:16Marc:Yeah, it's weird.

00:17:17Marc:I travel with it.

00:17:18Marc:It's huge, but it's always good to bring it.

00:17:20Guest:Delightful.

00:17:21Marc:So what is this award?

00:17:23Marc:What did you win?

00:17:24Guest:I won the best of the Midwest.

00:17:27Marc:That's good.

00:17:28Guest:That's great.

00:17:30Marc:It's a weird... I just became my mother for a minute.

00:17:34Marc:My mother always does that.

00:17:35Marc:Like, that's great, right?

00:17:37Guest:Yeah, no, it's good.

00:17:38Marc:You know, the positive statement followed by, they're like, right?

00:17:40Guest:Right?

00:17:40Marc:Like, why'd you give it to me and take it away?

00:17:42Guest:Yeah.

00:17:43Guest:She's Minnesotan?

00:17:44Marc:No.

00:17:44Guest:No?

00:17:45Guest:That's a... Is that a real thing?

00:17:47Guest:It is a real thing.

00:17:47Marc:Is it here, too?

00:17:49Guest:I haven't noticed.

00:17:49Guest:No, here... Someone just spoke for the group.

00:17:51Guest:No.

00:17:51Guest:Even... They are... Even the ladies here are a little bit, like, fucking intimidating.

00:17:58Guest:Like, it's very... There's an aggressive edge.

00:18:01Guest:It's nice.

00:18:01Guest:Like, I've had a great time, but it's even... It's like there's Minnesota nice, but, like, just...

00:18:05Guest:A little ramped up.

00:18:07Marc:Here?

00:18:07Guest:Here, I think, just a little bit.

00:18:09Marc:Yeah, they seem to be protecting something.

00:18:10Guest:They are a little bit... The water?

00:18:14Marc:I don't know what, but I know there's parts of Michigan that are off the grid, you know what I'm saying?

00:18:21Guest:Like they're not safe.

00:18:22Marc:You know who you are.

00:18:23Marc:You're not here.

00:18:23Marc:And they're not listening to me.

00:18:27Marc:They're cleaning out a port-a-potty behind a trailer somewhere with a gun saying, like, this is my property.

00:18:35Marc:This is where I poo.

00:18:38Guest:I did get poo.

00:18:39Guest:Somebody yelled poop at me today several times.

00:18:41Guest:Really?

00:18:41Guest:This is a Michigan thing.

00:18:44Guest:We were walking down the street, and apparently I didn't see it, but there was poop on the ground.

00:18:48Guest:But I didn't see it, so these gentlemen were like, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop.

00:18:54Guest:And I was just like, oh, drunk people.

00:18:57Guest:And then I almost stepped, they were just trying to be nice.

00:18:59Marc:Was it on Monroe Center?

00:19:01Guest:I saw that poop.

00:19:03Guest:You saw it.

00:19:06Guest:You didn't need people to yell poop at you.

00:19:08Marc:But I actually saw the poop you're talking about.

00:19:09Marc:How fucking ridiculous is that?

00:19:13Marc:And I remembered it because someone said to me, dude, dude, dude, poop, poop.

00:19:18Guest:That's so they're nice, but it's like, poop.

00:19:21Guest:In Minnesota, it would have been like, oh, maybe you don't want to walk on that part of the sidewalk.

00:19:26Guest:Maybe the other side is nicer.

00:19:28Marc:By the time you've already got it on your foot and you're going, how about a fucking quicker heads up?

00:19:32Marc:Here's the funny thing about that poop, though.

00:19:34Marc:I saw that poop.

00:19:36Marc:i saw that poop and right after i saw the poop i saw dad with his daughter on a leash you know like like walking the baby there was no way she could have made that poop but i thought that would be probably the funniest thing i could ever see in my life is a parent with a kid on a leash shitting on the street

00:19:55Marc:I so badly want someone to make a YouTube video.

00:19:58Guest:You realize they're going to do that.

00:20:00Guest:The guy that wrote the letter that's going to take him 17 hours to download just to listen to his own.

00:20:05Guest:You think he would have written a shorter email?

00:20:07Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:08Guest:But he's going to make that video.

00:20:09Marc:God, it would be so great.

00:20:11Marc:I would love to see that so bad.

00:20:12Marc:Just a parent with a kid on a leash peeing on something.

00:20:17Marc:The face.

00:20:18Guest:I don't want to see that.

00:20:21Marc:How long have you been at this thing?

00:20:23Guest:Six years.

00:20:24Guest:Six.

00:20:25Guest:I don't know why I'm asking you.

00:20:25Guest:Like, you guys know.

00:20:28Guest:Who's been following my career from Hope and Mike's in Minnesota.

00:20:32Guest:Six years.

00:20:32Guest:And I'm a winner.

00:20:33Marc:Yeah, it's beautiful.

00:20:35Marc:But I can't imagine, like, what is it like to do one-nighters?

00:20:38Marc:Like, do you do road gigs in Minnesota?

00:20:40Guest:Yeah.

00:20:40Guest:And one time I had... This is what it's like.

00:20:43Guest:Extremes.

00:20:44Guest:One show, I had a gentleman walk out and demand his money back because I was blasphemous.

00:20:49Guest:And I was saying horrible things.

00:20:53Guest:And I'm not even that naughty.

00:20:55Guest:Like, I'm a nice young lady.

00:20:56Guest:And he demanded... I said, Body of Christ is a lean protein.

00:21:01Woo!

00:21:01Guest:Right.

00:21:02Guest:Oh, she's mortified.

00:21:06Guest:But then I go on to say, and the rest of the joke is my mother scolding me because, you know, that's not nice.

00:21:11Guest:And then he left, and the crazy thing, like, when he turned around, he had all these, like, American flag patches and, like, crazy eagle stuff, and then took his bucket of beer by himself and walked out.

00:21:22Guest:Crazy drunk man.

00:21:24Guest:so i'm edgy and then another show i had uh i'm i'm thinking she was a hooker i don't know i didn't see money change but she gave a gentleman um a little handsy action under the table during during while you were on stage while i was on stage because i thought no that's not really happening i mean i know i'm good but you know and uh

00:21:44Marc:But they were just, like... Like, they were giggling.

00:21:46Guest:Like, they were wasted, and I thought, oh, it's just... And she was jerking a guy off, like, in the front row?

00:21:50Guest:Well, like, they were, like, in the third row, but there was nobody in the front row.

00:21:54Guest:So, I don't know what, like, they thought they were being sneaky.

00:21:57Marc:So, was there something that sounded like it might be a laugh out of context?

00:22:00Marc:Sort of like, oh, oh.

00:22:03Marc:And you're like, thank you, sir.

00:22:05Guest:Oh, God.

00:22:05Marc:I'm done.

00:22:07Guest:Yeah.

00:22:08Guest:And I just powered through, because I'm a pro.

00:22:13Guest:And then I think they left, and I was hoping she'd come back with somebody else.

00:22:18Marc:Second show, another guy.

00:22:20Guest:Late show, and then I would... Right, 16, right?

00:22:27Marc:She's 16.

00:22:29Guest:That girl right there.

00:22:30Guest:You are?

00:22:30Marc:16 years old.

00:22:31Guest:You do not look 16.

00:22:33Guest:You're precious.

00:22:37Guest:There's adult language here.

00:22:38Guest:Do you listen to the podcast?

00:22:42Marc:How old were you when you first gave a handjob?

00:22:45Marc:Seriously.

00:22:48Guest:I don't know.

00:22:49Guest:I'm against them.

00:22:53Guest:It seems like there's so many other... I'm against them too, actually.

00:22:56Guest:There's so many other tools in the repertoire that you think you could... More effective tools, I might add.

00:23:01Guest:It's the man's job, she says.

00:23:04Marc:I think that's true, because with a handjob, you're like, come faster, no more, and then you're like, fuck it, I'll do it.

00:23:10Marc:Yeah.

00:23:12Guest:Hand job is a man.

00:23:14Guest:Let's make t-shirts, you and me.

00:23:16Guest:Hand job is a man's job.

00:23:18Guest:And we'll have the hands up.

00:23:22Guest:I got a new... I'm selling merch after the show.

00:23:26Guest:It's lubricant for when you're in my audience and you want to...

00:23:30Marc:It's a KY jelly with your face on it?

00:23:35Guest:My parents are so proud.

00:23:37Guest:I like how I was like, I'm not really even that dirty.

00:23:40Guest:I don't even swear.

00:23:41Guest:I'm going to sell lube after the show.

00:23:42Marc:Is your mom like real Midwestern-y?

00:23:47Guest:Yeah, German-Russian.

00:23:49Guest:We're related to Lawrence Welk.

00:23:51Guest:Nobody knows who that is.

00:23:53Guest:Yeah, you guys do?

00:23:56Marc:Oh, yeah!

00:23:57Marc:What a bragger.

00:23:58Guest:Right?

00:23:59Marc:You're related to Lawrence Welk?

00:24:01Marc:I guess that's a good thing.

00:24:02Marc:He's pretty famous.

00:24:03Guest:Yeah, it is.

00:24:04Guest:To old people that watch PBS on Sundays.

00:24:06Marc:Do they still run Lawrence Welk?

00:24:07Guest:Yeah.

00:24:09Marc:Are you really excited, or is that ironic?

00:24:11Yeah.

00:24:11Guest:It is kind of a fun, ironic thing now to have men... The show is so weirdly pastel.

00:24:19Guest:Everybody's really... It's really fruity-tooty.

00:24:23Guest:Everybody's bubbly and everything's fake.

00:24:26Marc:Did he have a conducting baton with him all the time?

00:24:31Marc:He was a band leader.

00:24:32Guest:How does it make you feel that... How long have you been doing the podcast?

00:24:35Guest:Two years?

00:24:36Marc:Two and a half years.

00:24:36Marc:I don't know how long, Joe.

00:24:37Guest:14-year-old

00:24:38Guest:16, she's 16.

00:24:40Guest:I know, but when she started listening.

00:24:41Marc:Yeah.

00:24:42Marc:Oh, when she was 14.

00:24:42Marc:Yeah, and that was it.

00:24:45Guest:That's what started it.

00:24:46Guest:Do you think it's influenced you?

00:24:47Guest:I'm taking over.

00:24:48Guest:I wanted to get to the bottom of what happens in a 14-year-old young lady's mind when she listens.

00:24:55Guest:You were screwed up to start with.

00:24:58Guest:Oh.

00:24:59Marc:no you're beautiful butterfly cable television and everything yeah i know i'm i'm i'm happy that the the young people are into what i do it gives me like because i've decided and i don't know if i've said this on the podcast that like i can't like when people ask me who my listeners are because they're not you're not necessarily comedy fans and and and you're just fans of what what the show is but i decided it's not a demographic it's a disposition

00:25:24Marc:And that disposition could be any age, you know?

00:25:28Marc:I mean, you're probably, you feel a little isolated in your head and you're angry at everybody and you have to act nice all the time.

00:25:35Marc:And you know that everybody's really more fucked up than you.

00:25:38Marc:And, you know, you just struggle with having to tolerate the people around you and remain pleasant.

00:25:45Marc:And then, like, sometimes when you're... You're reaching a lot of people right now with this.

00:25:49Yeah.

00:25:52Marc:And for some reason or another, when you say something that's just mildly abrasive, it comes out really fucking abrasive.

00:25:59Guest:I think that's the Michigan thing, though.

00:26:01Guest:That's not just a... Well, I think it's great.

00:26:04Marc:I'm helping young people.

00:26:06Guest:I think it's great, and I think you're right.

00:26:07Guest:Like you said, I've opened for you a few times.

00:26:09Guest:The first time, I think I was a little nervous because I wasn't.

00:26:11Guest:I was like, oh, man, they're going to be super comedy.

00:26:14Guest:They're going to be, oh, judgy, judgy.

00:26:15Guest:How did she get to open for him?

00:26:17Guest:But they're the best.

00:26:19Marc:They're good people.

00:26:19Guest:Look at them.

00:26:20Guest:They're good peeps.

00:26:21Marc:Like, my concern was there would be one, you know, like someone tweeted yesterday, or maybe it was today, tomorrow I'm gonna do a bar crawl and then live WTF with Marc Maron.

00:26:31Marc:And my first thought was like, why don't you just do one of those?

00:26:37Marc:Why don't you choose between the two?

00:26:38Guest:And then they pooped on the sidewalk.

00:26:40Marc:What do you got?

00:26:40Marc:You got something?

00:26:42Marc:Did you want to discuss that corporate gig you were telling, your problem with Jewish people?

00:26:47Guest:I loved two Jewish boys in college, and they did not love me back.

00:26:51Guest:That's my problem with Jewish boys.

00:26:53Marc:Why did they not love you back?

00:26:54Guest:I don't know.

00:26:55Guest:I was willing to say Jesus Who and everything.

00:26:56Guest:I was like, forget that noise.

00:26:58Guest:I am on board.

00:27:00Guest:Don't tell my grandma.

00:27:02Guest:She won't listen to this.

00:27:03Guest:But I loved them, and they weren't having it.

00:27:06Guest:But my very first corporate gig was a bar mitzvah, and daytime and comedy for 13-year-olds is...

00:27:14Marc:How did you handle that?

00:27:15Guest:I don't know.

00:27:16Guest:You know what happened?

00:27:18Guest:I was doing a little crowd work.

00:27:20Guest:And the eight-year-old younger brother of the guest of honor stole the show by throwing peanuts at me.

00:27:28Guest:I couldn't be like, fucking kid.

00:27:33Guest:I had to be nice.

00:27:34Marc:Did you at any point snap and go, this is what's wrong with the Jews?

00:27:39Guest:No.

00:27:40Marc:These Jewish children are horrible.

00:27:42Guest:No, I'm a good Midwestern pastor.

00:27:44Guest:I said it behind their backs in a nice way.

00:27:47Guest:Later.

00:27:47Marc:Amber Preston, ladies and gentlemen.

00:27:51Marc:Thanks, Mark.

00:27:51Marc:Yeah, you can move down.

00:27:53Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:27:58Marc:It is a privilege and an honor...

00:28:01Marc:to bring up my next guest who was one of the original writers for Saturday Night Live.

00:28:05Marc:He wrote for the show from 1975 to 1980.

00:28:10Marc:Also the co-creator of the Gary Shandling Show and many other books and projects.

00:28:15Marc:Please welcome the wonderful Alan Zweibel to the stage.

00:28:23Marc:Alan Zweibel.

00:28:24Marc:Yes!

00:28:26Marc:Yes!

00:28:29Marc:It's the Alan Zweibel.

00:28:31Marc:Sit down.

00:28:31Marc:Hold the microphone.

00:28:36Marc:Alan Zweibel.

00:28:38Marc:You know how to do it?

00:28:39Marc:There you go.

00:28:39Marc:You talking to here?

00:28:42Marc:How are you, man?

00:28:43Guest:I'm great.

00:28:43Marc:Did I interrupt you eating?

00:28:44Guest:I had a little cantaloupe cube.

00:28:46Marc:Oh, good for you.

00:28:47Guest:No, it's down now.

00:28:48Marc:We're already well into Jew land here.

00:28:51Marc:There's Jewish people here?

00:28:52Marc:Right here.

00:28:53Marc:Me.

00:28:53Guest:Oh, you?

00:28:54Guest:Yeah.

00:28:54Guest:Are we the only two?

00:28:55Marc:I don't know.

00:28:57Marc:No, there's four other ones.

00:28:58Guest:How many Jews are out there?

00:29:00Marc:Yeah, there's a few.

00:29:01Marc:But when I cancel a cube, I'm like, oh, it's like my grandma's house.

00:29:04Guest:Well, yeah, because it's a cube, and there's a toothpick, and you're a pig.

00:29:09Guest:Sure, it's a cube.

00:29:09Guest:You cube it.

00:29:10Guest:Yeah, fuck it.

00:29:11Guest:Did you grow up with melon balls, by the way?

00:29:14Guest:I had to.

00:29:16Guest:It's in the Old Testament.

00:29:17Guest:You're supposed to.

00:29:18Guest:Melon balls.

00:29:19Guest:Melon balls.

00:29:21Marc:You did a little scooping thing, yeah.

00:29:22Marc:Your mom did it?

00:29:23Guest:Mom, my grandma, we all took turns.

00:29:25Guest:We had to.

00:29:26Guest:We're talking about melon balls.

00:29:29Marc:Yeah, this is how we do it on this show.

00:29:31Guest:Indeed, this is great.

00:29:32Marc:I actually have my grandma Goldie's melon baller still.

00:29:34Marc:It's one of the only things I have of hers is a melon baller.

00:29:38Marc:On you?

00:29:38Marc:Sure, it's right back.

00:29:39Marc:I carry it with me all the time.

00:29:41Marc:So let's start at the beginning of you.

00:29:45Marc:The beginning of me?

00:29:46Marc:Yeah.

00:29:46Marc:Like SNL, before you did SNL, because you were on the original cast.

00:29:51Guest:Well, I was one of the original writers.

00:29:52Guest:I was there from day one.

00:29:54Guest:Woo!

00:29:55Guest:And I was there from 1975 to 1980.

00:30:00Guest:And yeah, so I was with the original group, Bouchie and Gilda and Chevy and everybody.

00:30:06Guest:Yeah.

00:30:12Guest:Now let's... You want to go before that, though, you said, right?

00:30:14Guest:Yeah, I'd like to know how you started writing comedy.

00:30:17Guest:Well...

00:30:19Guest:After I graduated college, I started writing jokes for comedians who played in the Catskill Mountains in New York.

00:30:27Guest:You did not.

00:30:28Guest:I did.

00:30:28Guest:Which ones?

00:30:29Guest:Oh, every Mickey, Morty, Freddy, Dickie, and Lee that ever lived, I wrote for.

00:30:34Guest:You see, because that used to be the spawning ground for comedians.

00:30:38Guest:That's where Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Tony Field.

00:30:40Guest:Jack Carter?

00:30:40Guest:Did you write for Jack Carter?

00:30:42Guest:Absolutely.

00:30:42Guest:Or Alan King.

00:30:43Guest:They all came from there.

00:30:45Guest:By the time I graduated college, and I got to write for these guys, all the guys who were to become stars had already moved out.

00:30:52Guest:And I started writing for the guys who were sort of left behind.

00:30:54Guest:The B-level guys?

00:30:56Guest:B, C, and D-level guys.

00:30:58Guest:And I was 21.

00:31:00Guest:They were 40 and 45.

00:31:03Guest:And it was at first thrilling, but it was like writing to entertain my parents' friends, you know?

00:31:09Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:09Guest:Mellon ball jokes.

00:31:10Guest:Mellon ball jokes.

00:31:11Guest:That's exactly right.

00:31:12Guest:They paid me seven dollars a joke that was the going rate at the time Seven dollars a joke and they would only pay you most of them if the joke got a laugh, right?

00:31:22Guest:So I would get in my parents car on Long Island Drive up to a Catskill Hotel like grossing is or the Concord coaches sit in the back of the nightclub and I'd watch the guy do my jokes and invariably come off and go, you know Alan

00:31:38Guest:That joke about paving the driveway, no one laughed.

00:31:42Guest:I go, gee, Dickie.

00:31:46Guest:I heard a lot of laughs, and then we would bargain.

00:31:49Guest:And I'd go home with $4.

00:31:52Guest:It was a living hell.

00:31:55Guest:And these were all nondescript comedians.

00:31:59Guest:They wore tuxedos.

00:32:01Guest:This is 73, 74.

00:32:03Guest:Freddie Roman was one of them.

00:32:05Guest:Freddie Roman called me up.

00:32:07Guest:I'm 21.

00:32:07Guest:He goes, sperm banks are in the news.

00:32:12Guest:Can you give me some sperm bank jokes?

00:32:14Guest:So...

00:32:18Guest:I'm 21, like, sperm banks is really, you know.

00:32:23Guest:So I write, they have a new thing now called sperm banks, which is just like an ordinary bank, except here, after you make a deposit, you lose interest, okay?

00:32:33Guest:And $7, okay?

00:32:38Guest:Yeah.

00:32:39Guest:So my name got around that I was the sperm bank guy.

00:32:43Guest:So now I'm the sperm bank guy.

00:32:46Guest:So another guy named Dick Capri calls up.

00:32:48Guest:Dick Capri, yeah.

00:32:49Guest:Do you know Dick Capri?

00:32:50Marc:Well, I know that him and Freddie did the Catskills on Broadway.

00:32:53Guest:Absolutely.

00:32:54Guest:She goes, I needed sperm bank jokes.

00:32:56Guest:I go, fuck, all right.

00:32:58Guest:Okay, you know, I see a problem with these sperm banks, because they're starting to freeze sperm.

00:33:04Guest:And that's gonna be a problem in the future, because it's hard enough telling a kid that he's adopted, how do you tell him he's been defrosted, okay?

00:33:14Guest:Seven dollars.

00:33:16Guest:Wow.

00:33:17Guest:Yeah.

00:33:18Guest:So, like I said, if the jokes worked, they got laughs, but none of them had any defined persona.

00:33:25Marc:I love that they would bargain with you.

00:33:27Marc:They'd bargain.

00:33:28Guest:What do you call a good laugh, Alan?

00:33:29Guest:You know, later on, when I wrote for guys, let's say, Rodney Dangerfield, who had a defined persona, you can write like a joke because it was a defined character.

00:33:41Guest:He always used to say, I don't get no respect.

00:33:43Guest:Right.

00:33:43Guest:So I had him say, oh, it was easy to have him say, I never got any respect.

00:33:49Guest:Even as an infant, my mother wouldn't breastfeed me.

00:33:52Guest:She said she liked me as a friend.

00:33:53Guest:You see, that was easy, you know.

00:33:57Guest:So did you write a lot for him?

00:33:59Guest:I wrote, let's see, no one in my family ever got any respect.

00:34:03Guest:Even during the Civil War, I had an uncle who fought for the West.

00:34:07Guest:Okay, that was easy.

00:34:11Okay.

00:34:13Guest:I got nowhere.

00:34:17Guest:I was living home with my parents after college.

00:34:20Guest:And I took a job in a delicatessen to supplement this wonderful living that I was making.

00:34:26Guest:And I was gone nowhere.

00:34:29Guest:And then what I did was I said, I'm going to die here.

00:34:32Guest:So I took all the jokes they wouldn't buy from me.

00:34:36Guest:And I put them into a comedy act for myself.

00:34:39Guest:And there were two clubs in New York at the time.

00:34:41Guest:One was called The Improvisation.

00:34:43Guest:Other was Catch a Rising Star.

00:34:45Guest:And this is, yeah, absolutely.

00:34:47Guest:So this is where Robert Klein and David Steinberg and Lily Tomlin and Freddie Prinze, they were coming through.

00:34:52Guest:This was the new Catskills.

00:34:53Guest:This was the new Spawning Ground.

00:34:54Guest:The first wave of Richard Lewis.

00:34:56Guest:Richard Lewis, Richard Belzer, my friend Larry David.

00:34:59Guest:They were coming through at this time.

00:35:01Guest:Okay.

00:35:02Guest:So I took them all, and my plan was to go on stage and to deliver the jokes with a hope that a manager or an agent, somebody would come in and like the material and give me a job as a...

00:35:18Guest:as a TV writer, which is what I wanted to be.

00:35:20Guest:The first week that I'm there, I meet another guy who's starting out.

00:35:23Guest:His name is Billy Crystal.

00:35:24Guest:And he lived three towns from my parents, where I was living on Long Island.

00:35:30Guest:So he would pick me up every night in a Volkswagen.

00:35:33Guest:We'd go to New York.

00:35:34Guest:We'd tell our jokes.

00:35:35Guest:And on the way back, we'd listen to it on the tape.

00:35:38Guest:And we would critique each other.

00:35:41Guest:I'm about four months into this experiment, and one night it's about, oh, God, 1 o'clock in the morning, and I'm having the hardest time in the world making these six drunks from Lansing laugh, okay?

00:35:55Guest:I get off the stage, and I go to the bar,

00:36:01Guest:and I'm waiting for Billy to get done so I can have my ride home, when a guy comes in, sits right down next to me and just starts staring at me and staring at me, and finally I go, what, what, what?

00:36:15Guest:And he goes, you know, you're the worst comedian I've ever seen in my life.

00:36:21Guest:And I go, gee, I really appreciate that.

00:36:23Guest:I really need to hear that now.

00:36:25Guest:Thank you.

00:36:27Guest:And he said, but your material's not bad.

00:36:29Guest:Did you write it?

00:36:30Guest:And I said, yeah.

00:36:31Guest:He said, can I see more?

00:36:32Guest:I go, you bet.

00:36:33Guest:I didn't even ask who this was.

00:36:36Guest:I wish I would have showed it to like a gardener at this particular point.

00:36:41Guest:It ends up this is Lorne Michaels.

00:36:46Guest:And he's going from club to club, and he's looking for actors and writers for this new show that was going to air in the fall, premiere in the fall.

00:36:55Guest:So I go back to my parents' house on Long Island, and I stay up for two days straight, and I type up what I believed were 1,100 of my best jokes.

00:37:04LAUGHTER

00:37:05Guest:And Then I had to go back to New York to my meeting with him and I was so nervous.

00:37:11Guest:I didn't know what to wear I Thinking okay young hip producer.

00:37:17Guest:Yeah young hip show.

00:37:18Guest:Oh, okay.

00:37:19Guest:I'll dress young.

00:37:20Guest:How old are you?

00:37:21Guest:I'll dress hip.

00:37:21Guest:I'm 24 So I put on my father's maroon polyester leisure suit

00:37:30Guest:I look like a big blood clot sitting on the train.

00:37:34Guest:And I go to the city.

00:37:35Guest:And I think he was staying, if memory serves, at the Plaza Hotel.

00:37:40Guest:My meeting was at 2 o'clock.

00:37:41Guest:And I was really nervous.

00:37:42Guest:I didn't want to be late.

00:37:44Guest:So I got there like 7 in the morning.

00:37:48Guest:and i'm waiting and um there's no cell phones there's a pay phone yeah i called billy crystal because he had been spending time with lauren um you know they had dinners they were talking about doing stuff together maybe billy being on the show and i said listen i got this interview with this guy at two o'clock anything you can tell me about him to give me sort of like a leg up you know this interview he said well he used to write for woody allen

00:38:14Guest:He's produced Monty Python specials.

00:38:16Guest:Oh, and he hates mimes.

00:38:18Guest:Lorne hates mimes, okay?

00:38:21Guest:I go, gotcha.

00:38:22Guest:You know, I'm working in a deli.

00:38:23Guest:I'm writing jokes.

00:38:24Guest:I'm nervous.

00:38:25Guest:I want to be prepared.

00:38:26Guest:I go upstairs at 2 o'clock, and I sit at the edge of the bed, and he pulls up a chair, and I give him this big, you know, tome of 1,100 jokes, right?

00:38:37Guest:He opens it up.

00:38:38Guest:He reads the first joke, and he goes, uh-huh.

00:38:42Guest:closes the book.

00:38:45Guest:I'm up for two days straight typing every joke I've ever heard in my life, okay?

00:38:50Guest:Bazooka bubblegum jokes, they're all in there.

00:38:53Guest:He reads one joke, and to show you how long ago this was from the reference points in the joke, I had written this joke saying that the post office was about to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States, 10-cent stamp.

00:39:08Guest:If you want to lick it, it's a quarter, okay?

00:39:12Guest:And he went, good.

00:39:14Guest:Very good.

00:39:16Guest:He said, how much money do you need to live on?

00:39:20Guest:I said, well, I'm making $2.75 an hour at the deli.

00:39:25Guest:Match it.

00:39:30Guest:So he said, well, tell me a little bit more about yourself, which I took to mean that before he committed to this kind of cash, he wanted to see what he was buying.

00:39:40Guest:So I said, well, look, Woody Allen's my idol.

00:39:43Guest:Love Monty Python.

00:39:47Guest:There's one fucking mime on this show.

00:39:48Guest:I am out of here.

00:39:49Guest:And he gave me a job.

00:39:59Guest:So I really hope I answered your question, by the way.

00:40:02Guest:It was great.

00:40:03Marc:It was a great show.

00:40:06Marc:What were the sketches that you were responsible for in the first season?

00:40:11Guest:Well, it was so collaborative.

00:40:13Guest:I wrote most of John Belushi's Samurais.

00:40:19Guest:That was not my creation.

00:40:21Guest:John auditioned for the show with that.

00:40:24Guest:And Tom Schiller, one of the other writers, wrote Samurai Hotel when Richard Pryor hosted.

00:40:29Guest:But when Buck Henry hosted the 11th show, Lauren said to me, you worked in the deli, right?

00:40:34Guest:I went, yeah.

00:40:34Guest:He goes, okay, you write Samurai Delicatessen.

00:40:36Guest:I go, you bet.

00:40:38Guest:Sad, you know.

00:40:40Guest:And then I wrote all the rest after that.

00:40:42Guest:And with Gilda, who was like my buddy... APPLAUSE

00:40:46Guest:You know, look, like I said, it was collaborative.

00:40:48Guest:I had a hand in Emily Letella, which was a little old lady that she did.

00:40:54Guest:And another character called Roseanne Rosanna Danner that we did together back then.

00:41:01Marc:You know, I'm sort of obsessed with Lorne Michaels.

00:41:04Marc:And...

00:41:06Marc:And I talked to everybody who has had any contact with him for any amount of time for some sort of weird inside information about him.

00:41:14Marc:So you knew him when he was like, what, 25?

00:41:16Marc:I mean, how old was he?

00:41:17Guest:No, he was 31 when the show started.

00:41:19Marc:And was he a nice guy or...?

00:41:22Guest:Yeah.

00:41:23Guest:Yeah.

00:41:25Guest:I owe him my whole career.

00:41:26Guest:I didn't ask you that.

00:41:28Guest:I do.

00:41:30Guest:I think, to me, he's been a great guy.

00:41:32Guest:Okay.

00:41:32Marc:I can't, you know... No, I'm sure he is.

00:41:35Marc:I just don't... No, it's all right.

00:41:37Guest:I...

00:41:40Guest:Look at your face.

00:41:46Guest:Do you think he's sort of the best of the Midwest contest?

00:41:51Marc:You know, that first season became sort of, when I had a meeting with him, this was probably 95, 94, 95.

00:42:00Marc:And I grew up on the first few seasons that you wrote on.

00:42:04Marc:And that was mythologized in my mind.

00:42:07Marc:It's like, no one's ever going to be

00:42:08Marc:as good as those guys and he was very quick to say oh no there's been many good guests you know and how do you feel about that in terms of like you know working with that that first crew that define that show i mean do you you know when you look at the whole arc of snl do you do you agree that there have been like a lot of great i must tell you i look at the show that's on the air now and i contend that there are three or four

00:42:34Guest:guys, actors on that show that could have been in any cast in any era.

00:42:39Guest:I mean, Kristen Wiig is a genius as far as I'm concerned.

00:42:44Guest:I think that Fred Armisen is great.

00:42:48Guest:I think that Keenan is a riot.

00:42:51Guest:I think Seth does Weekend Update as good as anybody did.

00:42:55Guest:so it's a show that it's been on for 37 years for god's sake and you know every time you think that they're you know sort of on like spindly legs all of a sudden Lovitz comes along or Adam Sandler or Will Farrell or Tina Fey for god's sake who's a genius you know so um you know yeah I do I honestly do and you did uh you worked with uh the that first Gary Shaolin show

00:43:21Guest:I helped, me and Gary co-created It's Gary Shandling Show.

00:43:26Marc:Yeah.

00:43:27Marc:And he's a trip, huh?

00:43:28Guest:Well, you know something?

00:43:30Guest:It was so odd because it was like, for me, it was like lightning struck twice.

00:43:35Guest:It's the second time because when SNL, Gilda and I found each other and we helped create, you know, part of this big thing which helped shape late night variety.

00:43:46Guest:And now when It's Gary Shandling Show came on, it was cable.

00:43:50Guest:Cable had not really had any original comedies at that point, and we had a lot of fun with each other.

00:43:59Marc:Yeah, he's one of those guys where you talk to him, and all of a sudden you realize that he's in his own time zone, and now you're in it.

00:44:06Guest:He's in his own time zone.

00:44:08Guest:He's in his own climate.

00:44:10Guest:But Gary Shandling is one of the smartest people I've ever met.

00:44:14Guest:He's a genius.

00:44:15Guest:He is so funny, but yeah, he operates on a different plane.

00:44:19Guest:I agree with you.

00:44:21Guest:And same with Larry.

00:44:22Guest:Larry David has been my best friend since 1974.

00:44:26Guest:And I got to tell you, when we all started, when we were at the clubs...

00:44:35Guest:We used to sit in the back of the improv and just... He was the comic's comic.

00:44:40Guest:And, you know, if you were a comic, and let's say somebody was on at 9 o'clock, you know that you would get on at 9.20, right?

00:44:49Guest:And so you got there around then, because, you know, that's the time you went on.

00:44:53Guest:If you were following Larry...

00:44:56Guest:And he was on at 9 o'clock.

00:44:59Guest:You also got there at 9 o'clock.

00:45:02Guest:Because I remember he, on a Friday night, he would get up.

00:45:07Guest:And you understand, this is 74.

00:45:09Guest:He had hair like Brillo.

00:45:10Guest:It was like...

00:45:12Guest:He looked like Larry Fine from the Three Stooges.

00:45:14Guest:That hair, okay?

00:45:16Guest:Wire-rimmed glasses.

00:45:17Guest:He had a Green Army fatigue.

00:45:20Guest:And on a Friday or Saturday night at the Improv were these blue-haired ladies from Jersey and Long Island schlepping their husbands with the lime pants into the club.

00:45:32Guest:And, you know, it was just middle of the road at best.

00:45:36Guest:And Larry would get on, and he'd look at them, and he'd go...

00:45:41Guest:I feel very comfortable with you people.

00:45:45Guest:In fact, I feel so comfortable, I'm considering using the to form of the verb.

00:45:56Guest:And then usually, if a comic starts off and the joke doesn't work, you know, he goes a different way.

00:46:03Guest:Because trust me, when he said I want, you know, using two form instead of usted, this was an oil painting, okay?

00:46:11Guest:Everyone was just looking at him.

00:46:13Guest:But Larry just kept going, okay?

00:46:16Guest:He said, I think a lot of people misuse the two form of the verb.

00:46:21Guest:When he stabbed Caesar, he looked at Brutus and said, hey too, Brutus?

00:46:25Guest:And even Brutus said, Caesar, I just stabbed you.

00:46:27Guest:If there was ever a time for Usted, it's now.

00:46:32Guest:And there's tumbleweed going down the aisles of the improv.

00:46:36Guest:Everyone's just like that.

00:46:39Guest:And he goes, ah, fuck you.

00:46:40Guest:And he walk off.

00:46:42Guest:And I get on at 901, okay?

00:46:45Guest:So Larry always operated.

00:46:47Guest:Larry was, to this day, is...

00:46:50Guest:also exists on a different plane than most people.

00:46:55Marc:Yeah, he's hilarious.

00:46:56Marc:So tell me about, like, I don't want to not do the book thing, and we'll bring Kevin out here.

00:47:01Marc:The book you wrote with Dave Barry.

00:47:02Guest:I co-authored a book with Dave Barry.

00:47:05Guest:You guys familiar with Dave Barry?

00:47:06CHEERING

00:47:08Guest:It's out now.

00:47:11Guest:It's called Lunatics.

00:47:12Guest:And I live in Jersey.

00:47:14Guest:He lives 1,500 miles away in Coral Gables, Florida.

00:47:18Guest:And I called him.

00:47:19Guest:I said, we've got to do a novel together.

00:47:21Guest:He said, how are we going to do this?

00:47:23Guest:So we came up with a situation where a 10-year-old girl is in a local soccer league.

00:47:31Guest:a ref calls her off sides when she kicks what would be the winning goal in a championship game.

00:47:40Guest:Her father, an overzealous soccer dad, goes berserk.

00:47:44Guest:So I said, look, let's have the two of them have a feud.

00:47:48Guest:Yeah.

00:47:49Guest:You play the soccer dad.

00:47:50Guest:I'll play the I'll be the voice of the ref.

00:47:52Guest:We'll alternate chapters and let's see where this feud goes, where it escalates to.

00:47:58Guest:And as a result of this feud,

00:48:01Guest:Democracy came to Cuba.

00:48:06Guest:Two million bananas were deposited on the shore of Somalia, so the famine was taken care of.

00:48:12Guest:There was peace in the Middle East.

00:48:14Guest:So it was really fun.

00:48:15Guest:And the movie rights were just bought by Universal with Steve Carell attached to play one of the leads.

00:48:21Guest:Wow.

00:48:22Guest:Alan Zweibel, ladies and gentlemen.

00:48:24Guest:Lunatics.

00:48:26Marc:That was great.

00:48:26Marc:You good?

00:48:29Marc:Ladies and gentlemen...

00:48:31Marc:from the show Weeds and also the former anchor of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, Kevin Nealon.

00:48:46Guest:Nice to see you.

00:48:49Marc:Thank you.

00:48:54Marc:Sorry.

00:48:55Marc:You guys can stay on mic because I don't know how this is going to go.

00:48:58Marc:Do you have a mic stand for this?

00:48:59Marc:No, you're on your own.

00:49:00Guest:I have so much to say.

00:49:04Guest:Kevin, how did it go with the thing?

00:49:07Guest:Oh, it went really good with the thing.

00:49:08Guest:Yeah?

00:49:08Guest:Yeah, Alan killed.

00:49:10Guest:He just did it twice.

00:49:11Guest:He just killed it twice.

00:49:13Guest:I know it.

00:49:14Guest:It was...

00:49:15Guest:Kevin did a weekend update, including one of his subliminal editorials that he wrote like five minutes before he went on.

00:49:24Guest:This guy.

00:49:24Guest:This guy over here.

00:49:25Guest:This guy.

00:49:26Guest:About 45, 50, maybe two hours of stand-up.

00:49:30Guest:three hours it's funny you know people always say oh did you see chapelle last night he did three hours of stand-up yeah i could never sit through anybody's act i don't care if it's i'm laughing like hilariously i gotta leave you know i gotta go to the bathroom i gotta eat you know i never understood it either like there was this weird like people were trying some guy in england did like 24 hours straight and i'm like yeah but

00:49:49Marc:how fucking funny could that be, really?

00:49:51Marc:I mean, I would think like 19 hours in when there's only two people there, he's getting away with something.

00:49:54Marc:Yeah.

00:49:55Guest:I could see, you know, if someone's having sex for 24 hours, I'd say, oh, that's great, man.

00:49:59Guest:That's great.

00:49:59Marc:How do they do that?

00:50:01Marc:Yeah, well, I don't know how happy that woman would be.

00:50:03Marc:I think she would be... I didn't say with the same woman.

00:50:09Okay.

00:50:09Marc:I'm very happy to be with a woman that's like, you know, just take it easy.

00:50:13Marc:We don't have to do this for an hour.

00:50:15Marc:Let's just finish up and move on.

00:50:16Guest:That's a gift.

00:50:19Guest:My wife said to me the other night, she said, you want to have sex?

00:50:21Guest:I said, and I was really tired.

00:50:23Guest:I said, let me see what I could do.

00:50:24Guest:She said, you sound like a banker.

00:50:26Guest:How'd it go?

00:50:37Marc:I don't know, I fell asleep.

00:50:39Marc:How long did you do comedy before you did SNL?

00:50:41Guest:um because you were just a comedy guy right i was always i still am just a comedy guy i'm always a stand-up you know the other stuff was just kind of like you know extra credit but you know i started doing stand-up it's what i wanted to do and you know saturday night life came along and uh weeds and some other shows that never went anywhere and but i always kept going back i kept doing stand-up throughout my years in saturday night live i was still doing stand-up and it's funny sometimes i go to a club and the guy will go so when'd you get back in the stand-up

00:51:09Guest:I said, no, no, no, I never left stand-up.

00:51:11Guest:I've always been doing it.

00:51:12Guest:It's nice that it's there, right?

00:51:14Guest:Yeah, it's good to fall back.

00:51:15Guest:I feel bad for actors that don't have stand-up to fall back on, you know, because... I don't know what they do.

00:51:20Guest:I don't either.

00:51:21Marc:Do you know what actors do?

00:51:22Marc:I have no idea what they do.

00:51:23Marc:Do you know what they do, Alan?

00:51:24Guest:I haven't a clue.

00:51:25Guest:I've met some, and I still don't know.

00:51:28LAUGHTER

00:51:29Guest:I think they go on Dancing with the Stars.

00:51:33Guest:That's true.

00:51:34Guest:Would you ever do that?

00:51:35Guest:They asked me to do that, I think, the third year in.

00:51:38Guest:Yeah.

00:51:38Guest:And I was thinking about it for about a week.

00:51:41Guest:But I was at a point in my life when I was really tired.

00:51:44Guest:I must have had Epstein-Barr or something, but not know it.

00:51:47Marc:Isn't that weird that that virus completely left the culture?

00:51:50Guest:Like, no one even says Epstein-Barr anymore.

00:51:53Guest:I thought it was funny when Roseanne Barr said she had Epstein Barr disease.

00:51:56Guest:How could that be?

00:51:58Guest:But I felt really tired for like, you know, a couple of months where I couldn't get off the couch.

00:52:02Guest:Yeah, I can't do this.

00:52:03Guest:Besides, the people that were doing it were kind of like on their way down, you know, or on their way up.

00:52:09Guest:And

00:52:09Guest:I felt that I was not quite there yet, you know, on either end of the spectrum.

00:52:15Guest:And so a lot of, you know, LA disc jockeys were saying, Nealon shouldn't do that show.

00:52:20Guest:He should not do that show.

00:52:21Guest:So I thought maybe they're right.

00:52:23Guest:And then wouldn't you know, like a year or two later, they're all doing it.

00:52:25Guest:You know, like Corolla and everybody.

00:52:27Guest:Yeah, they're doing the show.

00:52:29Guest:So, okay.

00:52:29Guest:Do you have any good Lauren stories?

00:52:31Guest:I mean, was he a...

00:52:36Guest:lauren stories yeah lauren stories like yeah i got tons of nice guy you know what i got i was just telling uh help me again with your name alan alan with one l yeah i was just telling al i said you know what a lot of people have like negative stories not a lot but you know negative stories not one of the snl people i like lauren i never wanted to be on saturday night live seriously yeah i mean i would have done it if they asked me and they did but i was never like uh

00:53:01Guest:No, seriously, I was never pursuing it, you know, because I didn't do characters.

00:53:06Guest:I wasn't an improv player.

00:53:07Guest:I didn't do sketches.

00:53:08Guest:I was a stand-up.

00:53:09Guest:That's what I wanted to be.

00:53:10Guest:And then Dana Carvey used to rent a room over the garage in this house that I lived in, in the Hollywood Hills, with a couple other comics.

00:53:19Guest:What other comics?

00:53:21Guest:Richard Pryor and a couple other guys.

00:53:25Guest:But...

00:53:27Guest:No, Bob Duback and then a writer friend of mine, Joe Kenny.

00:53:32Guest:Bob Duback.

00:53:33Guest:Yeah.

00:53:34Guest:And at the time, I was dating Jan Hooks.

00:53:36Guest:She was up for the show.

00:53:37Guest:Dana had gotten the show that summer.

00:53:39Guest:And then Dana goes to New York.

00:53:44Guest:And I'm reading backstage live at Saturday Night Live, living vicariously through them.

00:53:48Guest:I thought, this is so exciting.

00:53:49Guest:They're about to go to what this book is talking about.

00:53:51Guest:And I was happy for both of them.

00:53:54Guest:Jan hadn't been signed up yet.

00:53:56Guest:and um and so dana calls me from lauren michael's house in amaganza he goes hey you're not going to believe this i'm in a back room at lauren michael's house and uh chevy chase and dan accurate are out in the kitchen i said you're kidding me they're in the kitchen because yeah i'm in the back bedroom he said i told him about you because you're looking for one more cast member and i think they're going to want you to send their tapes in i said how tall is chevy chase is he like you know see uh you know and then uh so i didn't think anything of it because you know i'm a stand-up comic they're not going to want me

00:54:26Guest:And, um, plus I would be terrified to do that show.

00:54:28Guest:Yeah.

00:54:29Guest:And so, um, a week goes by, you know, I send them my tapes.

00:54:32Guest:They want to see my tapes.

00:54:33Guest:I send them in.

00:54:33Guest:I think I, whatever, you know, I'll never hear back from them again.

00:54:36Guest:You know, it's me on the tonight show, evening at the improv, stuff like that.

00:54:39Guest:And, um, so a week later, Dana calls me, Hey, I'm back out at Lauren's house.

00:54:43Guest:I'm in a back bedroom, same bedroom.

00:54:45Guest:Guess who's out in the kitchen?

00:54:46Guest:Paul Simon, Paul Simon.

00:54:48Guest:And, um, it was somebody else.

00:54:50Guest:Martin Luther King.

00:54:52Guest:Yeah, it was Martin Luther King.

00:54:53Guest:He's Martin Luther King.

00:54:54Guest:junior junior yeah yeah and so uh he said um he said i think they liked your tape i think they're gonna fly you in for an audition yeah i thought no way that's not gonna happen but seriously paul simon's out there you know yeah yeah this is a nice house nice house yeah yeah it's beautiful it's huge and so uh

00:55:17Guest:And so a week goes by, and I hear that they want to fly me in front of the audition.

00:55:22Guest:I thought, seriously?

00:55:23Guest:And so I get on the plane thinking, and this happens all the time in Hollywood.

00:55:28Guest:You think you're one of the few that are going to go in and audition?

00:55:31Guest:And I get on the plane, and the plane is full of people going to audition.

00:55:34Guest:Even the pilot comes out of the cockpit.

00:55:36Guest:Hey, do you think this character at Lauren will like this?

00:55:38Guest:You know?

00:55:40Guest:And so, again, I'm not thinking anything of it.

00:55:43Guest:I'll humor them.

00:55:43Guest:I'll go in and audition for it.

00:55:45Guest:And so I get up to Studio 8H, and I'm waiting outside.

00:55:49Guest:Everybody else is nervous.

00:55:50Guest:And I don't care, because I know I'm never going to get this show.

00:55:53Guest:And so I go in, they call me in there.

00:55:55Guest:And they had a camera set up, and Lorne Michaels was sitting on the bleachers with Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, John Lovitz, Nora Dunn.

00:56:03Guest:and a whitney brown yeah and i'm and i'm just doing like some stand-up that he did on the tonight show and a couple of characters dain and i used to fiddle with a couple of sammies i did these two guys uh who just live in the basement they never never really went anywhere but anyway um

00:56:20Guest:But I got the shit.

00:56:22Guest:I got the shit.

00:56:22Guest:Yeah.

00:56:23Guest:And and so Lorne Michaels now comes to Lorne Michaels story.

00:56:27Guest:So I go back out to L.A.

00:56:29Guest:I audition and he comes out, flies out, meets me at my managers, who he was also represented by.

00:56:36Guest:Yeah, but Brad Gray.

00:56:38Guest:But he wasn't even my manager yet.

00:56:40Guest:I would always like say, Brad, you know, do you want to manage me?

00:56:43Guest:No, I don't.

00:56:44Guest:You know, I'll work with you, but, you know, we can't take out any more people.

00:56:47Guest:That's a bad impression.

00:56:48Guest:But I know who it was.

00:56:50Guest:Yeah, you said it is a brilliant Brad Gray.

00:56:53Guest:A lot of people here appreciate it.

00:56:57Guest:So anyway, Lauren Michaels is in Brad Gray's office and I come in there.

00:57:01Guest:Hello.

00:57:02Guest:Hello.

00:57:02Guest:And he talked for about an hour about Saturday Night Live and the cast.

00:57:07Guest:And I was just... And then he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

00:57:10Guest:And this is how naive I was.

00:57:12Guest:You know, Brad Gray was managing Lorne Michaels.

00:57:16Guest:And I said, well, what do you think?

00:57:18Guest:What do you think, Brad?

00:57:20Guest:He goes...

00:57:21Guest:I think we had a lot of tell, you know, tell them we're going to wait for the weekend and think about it, you know, and we'll let them know on Monday.

00:57:28Guest:So I said, that sounds good.

00:57:29Guest:That sounds good.

00:57:30Guest:You have power play.

00:57:33Guest:Little did I know that Brad probably had this all set up with, you know, he already knew the answer for the meeting.

00:57:38Guest:Yeah.

00:57:39Guest:I was like that guy in that pedophile show.

00:57:41Guest:You know, it's a set up.

00:57:42Guest:It's a set up.

00:57:45Guest:So so what was the name of that show?

00:57:49Guest:So he comes back into the office and he goes, well, what do you think?

00:58:07Guest:I said, well, let me think about it over the weekend

00:58:09Guest:And he goes, well, you think about it over the weekend, and we'll see you in New York on Monday.

00:58:12Marc:Did you have that thing with that?

00:58:17Marc:Like, I talked to Norm about it.

00:58:18Marc:As a comic, did you feel different than the people that were improv people?

00:58:22Guest:You know, you felt they were a little more qualified for the job.

00:58:25Guest:Yeah.

00:58:25Guest:But it all kind of hashed out in the end.

00:58:27Guest:I mean, you know, I was there, a stand-up.

00:58:29Guest:Dana was a stand-up.

00:58:31Guest:A. Whitney Brown was a stand-up comic.

00:58:33Guest:How's he doing?

00:58:34Guest:I think he's doing well.

00:58:35Guest:He got married.

00:58:36Guest:He always had my favorite joke.

00:58:37Guest:What is it?

00:58:38Guest:He goes,

00:58:38Guest:Oh, there's so many people in China.

00:58:41Guest:That's how he talks.

00:58:42Guest:It sounds like Brad Gray a little bit.

00:58:44Guest:He said, there's like a billion people in China.

00:58:48Guest:So even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there's like 500,000 people just like you.

00:58:56Guest:Or whatever the number is.

00:58:57Guest:I'm not good with math.

00:58:58Guest:That's a pretty good joke, right, Alan?

00:59:01Guest:That's a real good joke, yeah.

00:59:03Guest:That's like $10 worth right there.

00:59:04Guest:That's the kind of joke... I verbally retweeted that joke right now.

00:59:08Guest:Huh?

00:59:08Guest:I verbally retweeted that joke right now.

00:59:11Marc:Alan, let me ask you real quick.

00:59:14Marc:Al Franken.

00:59:15Marc:Where the hell is our waiter?

00:59:16Marc:I'm sorry.

00:59:17Marc:Can we get Mr. Nealon whatever he needs?

00:59:20Marc:Like Al Franken, do you still talk to him?

00:59:23Guest:I spoke to him a couple of days ago, as a matter of fact.

00:59:26Marc:Now, as a senator, is he still funny?

00:59:28Guest:he's real funny he's so funny right he's so funny but don't riot and you know something i think it took a little while for him to figure out how he should behave seriously in the senate halls and he was i think he finally got his footing and i think he's comfortable being funny there but he couldn't be too funny because he wanted to be taken seriously right you know it must be so hard and every time i speak to him he's franken again and

00:59:54Guest:He's really passionate about being a senator.

00:59:56Guest:He's a very good senator.

00:59:58Guest:But he's still a comedy guy.

01:00:01Guest:He always asks, how's everybody doing?

01:00:03Guest:And he sent Billy Crystal some jokes for the Oscars.

01:00:06Guest:He did?

01:00:06Guest:Yeah, I mean, he's got his hand in everything.

01:00:09Guest:Yeah, Franken's funny.

01:00:11Marc:That's great.

01:00:13Marc:So, all right, Kevin.

01:00:14Marc:Yeah.

01:00:15Marc:When did you shave your beard?

01:00:16Marc:It comes and goes.

01:00:19Guest:You know, I had one of these little things.

01:00:20Guest:You did.

01:00:20Guest:Soul packs.

01:00:21Guest:Sure.

01:00:21Guest:Or flavor saver, as Alan calls them.

01:00:27Guest:But I feel so self-conscious about it.

01:00:33Guest:Because I've never had anything on my face except the nose.

01:00:35Marc:You can't be self-conscious about it.

01:00:37Marc:You've got to own that shit.

01:00:38Marc:You can't sit there and, like, you know.

01:00:39Guest:But I would have it for a while.

01:00:40Guest:And then if I saw somebody else in the room that had one, too, I'd go home and shave it off right away.

01:00:44Guest:It was my way of reinventing myself.

01:00:49Guest:I just started a little bit.

01:00:50Guest:People say, what's that?

01:00:51Guest:I'm reinventing myself.

01:00:53Guest:It's the new Kevin Nealon.

01:00:55Marc:When I see people with this one, you really feel like an asshole because this one's very specific.

01:00:59Marc:It's like the Civil War thing.

01:01:00Marc:When I see someone like this, you have that weird moment where you're like, yeah, I know.

01:01:08Guest:Who's going to leave first because I don't think we could be here together.

01:01:12Guest:I was doing a TV show last week called Hot in Cleveland.

01:01:14Guest:You ever see that?

01:01:15Guest:Yeah, I heard about it.

01:01:16Guest:I've never seen that show, but I went on there and the script was really, they were fun and the girls were all fun to work with, but I had to make out with Jane Leaves, the English girl from Frasier.

01:01:25Guest:Really?

01:01:25Guest:Yeah, she's hot.

01:01:26Guest:Yeah.

01:01:27Guest:She's really hot.

01:01:28Guest:But I had that little flavor saver there.

01:01:32Guest:And?

01:01:32Guest:And I felt self-conscious about it because, you know, I felt I wouldn't want to kiss a guy that had that there, you know, or any guy for that matter.

01:01:40Yeah.

01:01:41Guest:To me, it was like having long nose hairs.

01:01:45Guest:Did you shave it then?

01:01:47Guest:Yeah.

01:01:47Guest:Do you get hairs growing out of your ears yet?

01:01:50Guest:Yeah.

01:01:51Guest:Mine are so strong.

01:01:52Guest:I'll be on the phone, they'll be dialing other numbers.

01:01:55Guest:They'll be poking the numbers.

01:01:58Guest:The thing's going beep, beep, beep, beep.

01:02:01Guest:People on the other side go, what's going on with your phone?

01:02:03Guest:I said, I don't know.

01:02:03Guest:I take it around and...

01:02:04Marc:There's a weird moment now because I date a woman who's younger than me and every so often I get this.

01:02:13Marc:We have to do your ears.

01:02:17Guest:Do you know what I realized that women love to do?

01:02:18Guest:What?

01:02:19Guest:They love to squeeze the pimples and blackheads on your back.

01:02:22Guest:Every woman loves to do that.

01:02:24Marc:Yeah.

01:02:24Marc:No, mine did one on my butt the other day.

01:02:27Marc:That was amazing.

01:02:29Marc:There was like one blackhead.

01:02:30Marc:She's like, ooh, we got to pop that.

01:02:33Marc:then i don't know how to feel about that when you're just sitting there like are you doing it are you doing it are you doing it you know what i think it is i think it goes back to primates where they like you know look for things you know well mine does that with the lice too but just in your hair yeah yeah i have problems you know what i mean it's weird with bed bugs and everything i'm learning nothing here i'm just uh

01:02:57Guest:Nothing that I could ever use ever, but I'm fascinated at the same time.

01:03:02Guest:You don't have a pimple-popping wife?

01:03:04Guest:Oh, no, my wife, she goes, it's time for a cleaning, and she'll take my nose, like it's not attached to my face, and go like that.

01:03:11Guest:Yeah, and she'll, you know... I don't get the guys... I don't get the guys who have, like...

01:03:17Guest:hair going out of the front of their nose.

01:03:19Guest:You don't get them?

01:03:20Marc:And they don't shave it.

01:03:23Marc:I often wonder about that with a lot of hair coming out of people.

01:03:26Marc:Why don't you shave that?

01:03:27Marc:I think the fear is that it'll come back thicker and then you've got a real problem if you've got a full soul patch on top of your nose.

01:03:36Guest:So if you're married, you just get to attack the guy's face and shave him and pop him?

01:03:41Marc:Do whatever you want, because we're just happier there.

01:03:43Guest:That's not a bad pitch.

01:03:46Guest:I might have to consider marriage.

01:03:50Marc:Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.

01:03:51Marc:Thank you very much.

01:03:52Marc:Thank you.

01:03:58Marc:All right, ladies and gentlemen, from Ohio, a Midwestern boy, Drew Hastings, ladies and gentlemen.

01:04:07Marc:Yes.

01:04:09Marc:Over here, buddy.

01:04:11Marc:This is the wild man.

01:04:14Guest:Pick up that mic, my friend.

01:04:16Guest:Thank you.

01:04:16Guest:How are you?

01:04:17Guest:Well, I was getting worried because you had me at the last.

01:04:20Guest:Anyway, I was sick yesterday, so I wasn't.

01:04:24Guest:I had food poisoning, and I ate amphetamines to do the show tonight, and I timed them all wrong.

01:04:29Guest:I thought I was coming on first.

01:04:30Guest:I'm like, now I'm starting to work out.

01:04:33Guest:I'm like, fuck, he was going to have me on here.

01:04:36Marc:I was buzzed an hour ago.

01:04:37Marc:Give Mr. Hastings more amphetamines.

01:04:39Marc:Where do you even get amphetamines now?

01:04:41Marc:What year is it?

01:04:42Marc:Did you take some bennies?

01:04:44Marc:Oh.

01:04:44Marc:No, I get it.

01:04:45Marc:Y'all hopped up on the pennies?

01:04:46Marc:No, I get them.

01:04:47Marc:They're dextroamphetamines.

01:04:49Marc:Oh, nice, man.

01:04:50Guest:Some of the behind-the-counter Benadryl?

01:04:54Guest:No, it's just I get them prescribed to me.

01:04:56Guest:But you have to go in every month as a controlled substance.

01:04:58Guest:You have to go in every month.

01:04:59Guest:Or send a guy.

01:05:00Guest:Just say you're me or use a different name.

01:05:03Marc:Yeah, I can do that.

01:05:04Marc:So you get real amphetamines?

01:05:05Marc:Good for you.

01:05:06Marc:Yeah, it's great.

01:05:08Marc:It keeps you clear.

01:05:09Marc:It keeps you young.

01:05:11Marc:I don't know about that.

01:05:13LAUGHTER

01:05:14Guest:so what happened you got uh you got food poisoning off sushi which is no fun right oh my god where'd you eat that sushi um someplace called naked chopsticks here no no down in indianapolis so you ate sushi in indianapolis that was okay yeah

01:05:29Marc:I have a rule against landlocked sushi.

01:05:32Guest:I won't do it.

01:05:33Marc:I know it's all frozen, but I just won't fucking do it.

01:05:37Marc:You are a myth.

01:05:38Marc:I have heard so many different things about you.

01:05:40Marc:I need validation on some things.

01:05:42Marc:Were you or were you not a fur trapper?

01:05:44Guest:Yes, I trapped early on.

01:05:47Guest:I was a trapper in the late 60s because you couldn't get a job back then.

01:05:53Marc:So that was the only thing available, fur trapper?

01:05:55Guest:Well, you could be a bag boy at the grocery store.

01:05:57Guest:They had that kind of job then.

01:05:59Guest:You could be a bag boy, remember?

01:06:00Guest:Where did you live?

01:06:01Guest:I lived in Dayton, Ohio.

01:06:03Guest:So in Dayton, Ohio, the only available jobs.

01:06:04Guest:And I had long hair and you couldn't get a job.

01:06:06Guest:Those days, they could just say, fuck you, hippie wings.

01:06:08Marc:So it was Bag Boy or Fur Trapper?

01:06:11Guest:Yeah, and I thought it would be exotic.

01:06:14Guest:I was kind of a geek, and I was just like, this would be a way to get women.

01:06:17Guest:Would you like me to make you a muff?

01:06:20Guest:I mean, seriously, I could make you a stole or something.

01:06:24Guest:And...

01:06:25Guest:And I literally would trap muskrats and then skin them.

01:06:29Guest:I lived in an apartment complex, my mother and sister and I, and I would skin them in the laundry room and people would come in and there was, in the laundry sink, there was guts and stuff and people would come in like, what the fuck?

01:06:42Guest:And I was terrified.

01:06:44Guest:I didn't like doing it.

01:06:47Guest:You know how people get into medicals.

01:06:48Marc:But wait, you were a fur trapper who lived in an apartment complex.

01:06:53Guest:Yes.

01:06:54Marc:So are you really a fur trapper?

01:06:55Marc:Sounds like a wacky sitcom.

01:06:57Marc:Yes, I was trapping.

01:06:58Guest:I had a whole line of traps.

01:06:59Guest:I had a whole line.

01:07:00Guest:You have a line of traps.

01:07:01Marc:But you would just drive from an apartment complex.

01:07:03Marc:I wouldn't have to drive.

01:07:04Marc:You weren't up in the mountains with big parkas on and pelts.

01:07:07Marc:You were at your mother's house.

01:07:09Guest:You went behind the shopping center and went on past where the developments ended.

01:07:13Guest:And you went out into the woods.

01:07:15Guest:But that's not a fur trapper.

01:07:16Guest:That's a kid with traps.

01:07:19Guest:But I romanticized it.

01:07:21Guest:I mean, I was a fur trapper.

01:07:24Guest:Here's what it was.

01:07:26Guest:Michigan knows this.

01:07:28Guest:Michigan was founded on trapping.

01:07:30Guest:And in the 1760s, 1770s, they say that a man could walk across rivers in Michigan on the backs of beaver without ever touching the water.

01:07:40Guest:And by 1780 or 1820, they were all tapped out.

01:07:44Guest:No more beaver.

01:07:45Guest:There was no more beaver.

01:07:46Guest:And they said by 1980 or whatever, a man would have to be a fucking fool to trap.

01:07:52Guest:And that was the year I started because I thought, well, nobody else is doing this.

01:07:55Guest:But it sounds like you weren't going after beaver.

01:07:58Guest:No, I was going after muskrat.

01:07:59Guest:It's a shittier pelt, but it's...

01:08:02Guest:Okay, so let's continue.

01:08:04Guest:Working his way up to beaver with the muskrat.

01:08:08Marc:But you were trying to get beaver with your muskrats.

01:08:10Marc:Yes, kind of.

01:08:11Marc:Yes.

01:08:12Marc:I think we established that.

01:08:14Guest:I have some fine furs.

01:08:15Marc:The other part of the Hastings myth, that you invented some sort of file-saving system.

01:08:22Guest:No, no, I didn't.

01:08:23Guest:I was in the document shredding business.

01:08:25Guest:Oh.

01:08:26Guest:And I got in trouble.

01:08:28Guest:I was always...

01:08:30Guest:I was always good at selling a plan, but not good at operations.

01:08:36Guest:And so I sold it.

01:08:38Guest:I was one of the first guys in the Midwest to do that.

01:08:41Guest:To do shredding?

01:08:42Guest:You know, they say that the easiest person to sell is kind of a salesperson.

01:08:48Guest:Right.

01:08:49Guest:And they told me, well, you can shred and make a ton of money.

01:08:51Guest:And I bought this shredder.

01:08:53Guest:It was called like the Shred Max 2000.

01:08:55Guest:And I was, oh, that's 2,000.

01:08:57Guest:That's a big number.

01:08:57Marc:This is before you could buy a shredder at Costco.

01:09:01Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:01Guest:This was like in the 80s.

01:09:02Guest:And I was like, oh, I got the shredder, which was just... And we were getting semi-trucks of paper every day.

01:09:08Guest:I mean, mammograms and shit from women's clinics and Bhopal India litigation and all kinds of shit.

01:09:16Guest:And I was like, fuck.

01:09:17Guest:And I had this shredder, like, literally...

01:09:21Guest:Jam.

01:09:25Guest:I was literally picking shit up like major confidential stuff and throwing into dumpsters driving around town.

01:09:33Guest:It was like a Lucy.

01:09:34Guest:Remember the Lucy and the Pies episode where the pies keep coming by?

01:09:37Guest:She's trying to keep up.

01:09:38Guest:That's what was going on.

01:09:40Guest:And I ultimately had about a 40,000 square foot warehouse full of paper I'd already been paid to shred and hadn't shredded.

01:09:47Guest:And...

01:09:48Guest:And I wanted to stand up not long after that, actually.

01:09:51Marc:Well, what happened?

01:09:52Marc:Did you get busted for being a bad shredder?

01:09:55Guest:No, civil.

01:09:56Guest:I went in a civil suit.

01:09:59Guest:I was charged civilly, which is what you want to do, as you know.

01:10:02Guest:You don't want to... But I heard you sold this massive shredding business.

01:10:06Guest:No, no, no.

01:10:07Guest:I sold it, and it gave me enough seed money, basically, to go out and become a comedian.

01:10:14Marc:What did you sell?

01:10:14Marc:though?

01:10:15Marc:The shredder or the idea?

01:10:16Guest:The service.

01:10:17Guest:I would sell the service.

01:10:18Guest:We will shred your paper.

01:10:24Guest:And someone bought that from you?

01:10:26Guest:This was the Olly North.

01:10:28Guest:It was the go-go 80s.

01:10:29Guest:Olly North had just come out.

01:10:30Guest:People were giddy.

01:10:31Guest:So this was hot.

01:10:32Guest:Shredding was hot.

01:10:33Guest:Deregulation.

01:10:34Guest:Everything.

01:10:34Guest:It was hot, dude.

01:10:36Guest:Fuck yeah.

01:10:37Marc:You were, God, a captain of American bullshit.

01:10:40Marc:Yeah.

01:10:42Yeah.

01:10:43Yeah.

01:10:43Marc:the fuck is this i'm not judging you no i'm not judging you it's just like we went from fur trapper to muskrat kid and from you know selling a multi-million dollar shredding business it wasn't multi-million dollars it was like twenty thousand dollars which was a huge amount of money to me did you get rid of the shredder at least well it was repossessed

01:11:08Guest:Yeah.

01:11:10Guest:And then you went into stand-up.

01:11:12Guest:And then I went into stand-up.

01:11:13Guest:I was in my early 30s.

01:11:15Guest:And you did stand-up for a long time.

01:11:17Guest:24 years now, I guess.

01:11:19Guest:23, something like that, anyway.

01:11:21Marc:And what's the story behind, like, I remember you did this show about, what was it, a...

01:11:25Marc:It was like a Tony Robbins character or a business.

01:11:28Marc:What was the name?

01:11:28Guest:That was fun.

01:11:29Guest:I still love doing that.

01:11:30Guest:I don't know.

01:11:30Guest:What was he called?

01:11:31Guest:Jack Freeman.

01:11:32Guest:Right.

01:11:32Guest:Because I grew up, you know, I was one of those guys in the early 80s and stuff.

01:11:38Guest:I was fascinated with those motivational speakers.

01:11:41Guest:And, you know, and this was even before Tony Robbins.

01:11:44Guest:You know, these were the guys that were like, you know, I have two withered limbs and a clouded eye and I sold over six million dollars in life insurance in one year.

01:11:53Guest:I'm like, Jesus, this guy's just a head on a fucking skateboard and he's selling.

01:11:57Guest:Fuck.

01:11:59Guest:And I grew up on those guys.

01:12:00Guest:It was like, you know, Zig Ziglar, see you at the top.

01:12:02Guest:And it was all cheesy shit you'd listen to on cassettes.

01:12:05Guest:Yeah, I could make a lot of fucking money.

01:12:07Guest:But I was fascinated by those guys because they were really just nothing more than used car salesmen with a fucking spin.

01:12:12Guest:Hucksters, yeah.

01:12:13Guest:Yeah, hucksters.

01:12:14Guest:But...

01:12:14Guest:So when I was in L.A., and Bob Odenkirk actually got behind and directed that show, and I was fascinated with that character, the motivational speaker who was actually a loser, you know?

01:12:29Guest:I mean, ideally, I'd wanted to do him with the two airlines and pulling the tank, you know?

01:12:35Guest:I've made a ton of money.

01:12:37Marc:It was fun.

01:12:39Guest:It was a lot of fun.

01:12:41Marc:I know that Jason Alexander did a show based on something like that.

01:12:44Guest:Yes, and to this day, I think he stole that from me.

01:12:47Marc:Have you addressed that with him?

01:12:48Guest:No, fuck him.

01:12:50Guest:Yeah!

01:12:51Marc:That's his spirit.

01:12:53Marc:Oh, no, I'm very, you know.

01:12:55Marc:Okay, now let's get to this, like, shh.

01:12:57Marc:What's going on over there?

01:12:59Guest:What is going on over there?

01:13:00Guest:Some of Alexander's people.

01:13:02Marc:What's going on?

01:13:04Marc:all right so why don't they why don't they leave then okay buddy let's relax all right well you're doing it very quietly and i appreciate that this is being handled so delicately yeah i know buddy i know you everything's gonna work out for you you're on the right side of this predicament

01:13:37Marc:Yeah, there's a good way and a bad way to handle this.

01:13:39Marc:I think just, like, stopping the show cold.

01:13:43Guest:Sure.

01:13:43Guest:Yeah, and then try to crank it back up.

01:13:45Marc:Draw as much attention to it as possible.

01:13:47Marc:Exactly.

01:13:48Marc:Because clearly there's some sort of debate going on.

01:13:50Marc:Because whenever someone's kicked out of a place, you're like, why?

01:13:52Guest:I was just talking.

01:13:55Marc:That's right.

01:13:56Guest:All of a sudden you can't talk?

01:14:00Marc:Yeah.

01:14:00Marc:Okay, looks like it's been resolved.

01:14:02Marc:Jesus Christ.

01:14:03Yeah.

01:14:04Marc:Very nice.

01:14:05Marc:Very nice.

01:14:06Marc:Looks like some seats.

01:14:08Marc:Might be some free seats.

01:14:09Marc:Now, buddy, are you okay?

01:14:10Marc:You need a brownie or something?

01:14:13Marc:You sound pretty worked up.

01:14:14Marc:You want a brownie?

01:14:18Marc:Well, that's what we're trying to find out.

01:14:22Marc:You just got the job as my intern food taster.

01:14:24Okay.

01:14:29Marc:There you go.

01:14:30Marc:That's the spirit.

01:14:32Marc:All right.

01:14:34Marc:Here, you eat one of these and just sit here.

01:14:35Marc:I don't know what it is.

01:14:40Guest:Did he just ask you if that was vegan?

01:14:42Marc:Yeah, just sit there.

01:14:43Marc:I just heard the tone in your voice.

01:14:46Marc:You're about to blow your Midwestern heart up.

01:14:48Marc:I like him.

01:14:48Guest:He's like the poor man's Andy Richter.

01:14:54Guest:Give him a microphone.

01:14:56Guest:He's so sweet.

01:14:57Guest:It's that Michigan Midwestern, like, I'm going to button up my shirt and kick there.

01:15:03Guest:Where are you from?

01:15:05England.

01:15:05Guest:You're so mad about it.

01:15:07Marc:Wait a minute.

01:15:07Marc:Did he just say he's from England?

01:15:09Marc:Is there an England, Michigan?

01:15:16Marc:You're from England, England?

01:15:17Marc:You're not selling this at all.

01:15:20Marc:I don't know if you're familiar with the accent, but maybe if you're going to... If you're familiar with... If you're bullshitting, he's much better at it than you.

01:15:27Marc:I moved to Atlanta when I was 11.

01:15:31Marc:All right, so you're from Atlanta.

01:15:33Yeah.

01:15:36Guest:No.

01:15:37Guest:And you're black, too, right?

01:15:45Guest:Well, that's just believable, the English thing, I thought.

01:15:47Guest:Why not?

01:15:48Marc:You're all right right there?

01:15:50Marc:All right.

01:15:51Marc:Well, yeah, just check in every once in a while if something starts happening because of the Bronx.

01:15:56Marc:What's your name, buddy?

01:15:58Marc:John.

01:15:58Guest:John from England.

01:15:59Guest:Thank you, John.

01:16:00Guest:Thank you.

01:16:01Guest:He was kind of perched like a gargoyle.

01:16:07Marc:So Hastings, now you're mayor.

01:16:11Marc:I hear you own part of Ohio.

01:16:14Marc:Here's the other part of your myth.

01:16:16Marc:I talk to comics and you're sort of a mythic figure.

01:16:19Marc:Here's roughly the story I got.

01:16:22Marc:He owns a city and now he's mayor of it.

01:16:25Guest:I don't own a city.

01:16:27Guest:He was on a farm, and then he bought the town.

01:16:31Guest:No, I didn't buy a town.

01:16:32Guest:I'm into her historic buildings, and the Midwest, as Michigan knows.

01:16:36Marc:This was one of them, dude.

01:16:38Guest:Well, this town growing rap is doing okay, I thank God.

01:16:41Guest:But this theater had a tree growing in it.

01:16:43Guest:The city that I'm mayor of is kind of like the Flint of Ohio.

01:16:46Marc:Okay.

01:16:47Guest:So...

01:16:48Guest:We got a lot of fucking work to do.

01:16:51Marc:So you're saying you bought sheep.

01:16:53Guest:When I say I'm the largest commercial property owner of town, it means I bought three fucking buildings for under $60,000 apiece.

01:17:01Marc:You bought a foreclosure town.

01:17:04Marc:Essentially, yeah.

01:17:06Marc:But what are you building up there, Drew?

01:17:08Marc:What's the fucking vision here?

01:17:10Guest:Well, you know what?

01:17:12Guest:I just think my personal opinion is this country is going to hell in a fucking handbasket.

01:17:17Marc:You're the only one who thinks that.

01:17:18Guest:I can't do anything about that, but I can do something about one fucking corner where I live.

01:17:22Guest:And that's what I did.

01:17:23Marc:Okay.

01:17:23Marc:And so are you going to open that up to the public as a refuge for the rest of us who think it's going to hell in a handbasket?

01:17:30Guest:We're trying to do some things.

01:17:31Guest:I can marry people now.

01:17:32Guest:I'm marrying people in mass this summer like Timothy Leary.

01:17:34Marc:Or like Reverend Sun Young Moon.

01:17:36Guest:Same thing.

01:17:38Marc:You're going to marry someone in mass?

01:17:42Marc:I'm concerned about what's happening here.

01:17:46Marc:Because I see in your mind the next line out of your mouth is like, I'm going to be on the money.

01:17:51Marc:You know, like...

01:17:53Guest:But you don't want somebody... It's weird because I'm kind of a conservative dude in some ways and I'm not in other ways.

01:18:00Guest:Somebody called me last week.

01:18:01Guest:They called my office and my assistant said, well, somebody wants you to marry their dogs.

01:18:06Guest:And I've got a thing.

01:18:07Guest:I'm not a real pro-animal activist anyway because I'm in farming and livestock.

01:18:12Guest:And I think that story is... Does that mean you don't like dogs?

01:18:15Marc:You'll kill a fucking dog?

01:18:16Guest:No, no.

01:18:16Guest:They called and they said they wanted to marry dogs.

01:18:18Guest:And I said, you know, I've got to be honest with you.

01:18:21Guest:You know, I'm not married.

01:18:22Guest:I'm not a big fan.

01:18:23Guest:I'm not, you know, I'm fucking no good at any relationships.

01:18:27Guest:But I was like, you know, if marriage, it seems like one of the tenets of marriage is monogamy.

01:18:34Guest:And I've never seen the dog walk across a fucking room without humping somebody's leg or some shit.

01:18:38Guest:Why I'm going to marry that?

01:18:39Guest:And then I thought, well, the vow has to start.

01:18:41Guest:Do you take this bitch?

01:18:43Guest:And I thought, I'm not going to fucking...

01:18:44Marc:So you decided on principle... I don't marry animals.

01:18:50Marc:Well, that's pretty, pretty.

01:18:52Guest:But, you know, they don't know when to take you seriously.

01:18:54Guest:I heard you talking about Frank and him as senator.

01:18:58Guest:And, you know, part of what I think gave me an advantage is I went out when I campaigned.

01:19:03Guest:I...

01:19:04Guest:I just was outrageous from the get go.

01:19:07Guest:And so I would get away with stuff.

01:19:10Guest:Somebody asked me about marriage recently and I'll say like, well, I believe a marriage is between a man and what appears to be a woman.

01:19:20Guest:And they'll look at me like what is he serious?

01:19:24Guest:No, he's got to be kidding about that.

01:19:26Guest:And I always keep them guessing.

01:19:27Guest:They don't really know.

01:19:28Guest:Is he serious about this shit?

01:19:30Marc:So that's how you won?

01:19:32Marc:By baffling them?

01:19:34Guest:Yeah.

01:19:35Guest:You know who voted me in?

01:19:36Guest:Senior citizens.

01:19:38Marc:So they're confused to begin with.

01:19:39Marc:Huge numbers of senior citizens.

01:19:40Marc:So they're confused.

01:19:40Marc:They think they're not sure whether it's them or you that's confused.

01:19:46Guest:No, I think they liked, um, old people like blunt.

01:19:50Guest:I've turned out blunt blunt.

01:19:52Guest:And I was blunt.

01:19:53Guest:I would go door to door and I'd say, I don't give a shit who your daddy is.

01:19:55Guest:I don't give a fuck who you play golf with.

01:19:57Guest:If it ain't for the taxpayer, it ain't going to happen.

01:19:59Guest:And they were like, well, you cuss a lot, young man, but I'm going to vote for you anyway.

01:20:04Guest:I'm serious.

01:20:04Guest:And I would go, well, thank you, ma'am.

01:20:05Guest:I try not to cuss around all the ladies or little kids.

01:20:08Guest:and then they would vote for me you know and democrats who switched party which the hardest group to get behind me was republicans and i actually ran as a republican yeah and they and they and they because they couldn't believe i was like you know take yourself seriously yeah and all that they were like well this guy is not republican and i was like well yeah the if i'm not yeah i got these at barry goldwater's estate sale

01:20:33Marc:But you're Republican.

01:20:34Marc:Obviously, you're not socially conservative.

01:20:35Marc:You just don't want to pay taxes for anything.

01:20:39Marc:Yeah, I get it.

01:20:40Marc:And you don't care about poor people.

01:20:41Guest:No, I don't care about any people.

01:20:43Guest:You keep harping on poor people.

01:20:45Marc:No, because I believe that a fiscal conservative, as a lefty, obviously we share a lot of things in common.

01:20:53Marc:We're both artistic people.

01:20:54Marc:We want people to have freedom and do whatever the fuck they want.

01:20:56Marc:You just don't want to pay for taxes.

01:20:58Marc:And you think government is too big and poor people should fend for themselves.

01:21:01Guest:I think government is way too big.

01:21:03Marc:And we should just kill the poor people.

01:21:04Guest:I don't think no kill is a little strong.

01:21:07Guest:There's a difference between kill and let die, right?

01:21:10Marc:I mean really No, I know I know that's why That's a matter of but that is why Republicans don't want national health care because the system needs to turn over and they know that but I don't think that that I you know What I don't follow that whole national health care thing that much but because I don't because it's like it's ridiculous It's not gonna happen in your mind, right?

01:21:28Guest:Well, no, I don't think it's going to happen.

01:21:30Guest:I think it's a fucking mess.

01:21:31Guest:But I'm a student of archaeology, and I love archaeology.

01:21:35Marc:Oh, this should be good.

01:21:36Marc:No!

01:21:37Marc:I know what's next.

01:21:37Marc:Eugenics wasn't a bad idea.

01:21:41Marc:Well, qualify.

01:21:44Marc:Oh, really?

01:21:44Marc:I've got to qualify eugenics?

01:21:47Okay.

01:21:48Marc:It's not good to annihilate a race because you think they're different than you.

01:21:52Guest:At least you get people laughing about it.

01:21:53Guest:Oh, given that eugenics material.

01:21:56Guest:So anyway, no, no, no.

01:22:00Marc:You were about to say that you're a Republican, but you're really a libertarian who just doesn't give a fuck about anything.

01:22:04Guest:No, I do give a thing.

01:22:05Guest:No, but I look at the big picture.

01:22:08Guest:You know, I think this is a wedge thing where they're talking about women and reproductive rights lately where this is the big thing.

01:22:14Guest:And I just think that's a distraction.

01:22:16Guest:And I think as a student, as somebody who likes archaeology, you look at the big picture.

01:22:22Guest:Sure.

01:22:22Guest:And you say, you know, women are worried right now about this thing with health care and whether or not this is going to cover birth control.

01:22:29Guest:who are the top tell me right off the top of your head who are the top four or five immigrant groups that come into this country the top four or five i would say where are they coming from uh mexico right uh china china um the latin america latin america india sure and africa we have an exchange the most patriarchal countries they're doing if they're not throwing female babies in the rivers they're doing clitorectomies or they're doing honor killings

01:22:56Guest:Okay?

01:22:56Guest:These are the four biggest fucking immigrant groups coming in this country.

01:23:01Marc:I don't know.

01:23:02Marc:I think clitorectomy is specific, and I wouldn't just throw that out there like that.

01:23:08Marc:But I get your point.

01:23:09Marc:So what is your point?

01:23:10Guest:So my point is...

01:23:12Guest:When I look at things from an archaeological standpoint, you and I will be dead.

01:23:16Guest:But if you just go 80 years out, which is not long, those are the people that are all going to be running Congress and Senate in this country in 80 years.

01:23:26Guest:And you want that to be stopped.

01:23:27Guest:No, I don't want that.

01:23:28Guest:I'm saying we're the least of women's fucking problems.

01:23:33Marc:Are you afraid that these other cultures are going to bring in their patriarchal systems and oppress women in their style after the white people pass, which is what you're getting at?

01:23:41Guest:I think so.

01:23:42Guest:I think that's basically it.

01:23:44Marc:If you look at archaeology, that's the way... You're kind of like a liberal white power guy.

01:23:52Marc:Without the bolts, without the lightning bolts.

01:23:54Marc:I'm glad we figured that out.

01:23:58Marc:Drew Hastings, ladies and gentlemen.

01:24:04Marc:Are you ready, buddy?

01:24:05Marc:You're looking nervous back there.

01:24:06Marc:You want to hang out?

01:24:08Marc:Let's move down one.

01:24:09Marc:Don't lose your handkerchief.

01:24:13Marc:You're schvitzing a little, as my not-so-white people say.

01:24:19Guest:I feel like I was supposed to have said something once Clitoris came up.

01:24:23Marc:No, you were great.

01:24:24Marc:It was great.

01:24:25Marc:I think we were good.

01:24:26Marc:Yeah, he's fine.

01:24:28Marc:My next guest is a powerful fucking comedian who is very funny, and he's up here.

01:24:35Marc:You just did the Bob and Tom show, right?

01:24:38Marc:And he tours all over the country.

01:24:39Marc:Please welcome Tommy John again, ladies and gentlemen.

01:24:41Thank you.

01:24:47Marc:Nice to see you, man.

01:24:48Guest:Nice to see you.

01:24:48Marc:I know you were waiting a long time.

01:24:50Guest:No, this is great.

01:24:52Guest:I'm going up at 1.04 on a show I was told to end it at 1.

01:24:55Guest:Oh, is it 1.04?

01:24:57Guest:So I feel like I'm the equivalent of the guy on the end of a picture that gets photoshopped out when you make it your profile picture.

01:25:03Guest:I'm just fucking not a part of this anymore.

01:25:06Guest:A fake English guy in the audience got on before I did.

01:25:10Guest:I just don't want to... I mean, I'm fine with it, but...

01:25:13Guest:Just a shitty guy ate a brownie, and I watched it from backstage.

01:25:19Guest:So, you know, this is a legitimate credit now, doing your show.

01:25:22Guest:You created something from nothing.

01:25:25Guest:It was nothing.

01:25:26Guest:You made it, and it's a legitimate credit for a comic as myself, like a new guy.

01:25:30Guest:I'm a new guy.

01:25:31Guest:It's a real credit, and this fucking guy ate a brownie on it.

01:25:35Guest:Before I even get to speak.

01:25:37Marc:I am so glad I got you fired up.

01:25:39Guest:But I will tell you this.

01:25:40Guest:I will tell you this.

01:25:41Guest:I'm glad that you got my memo about getting rid of Alan and Kevin.

01:25:45Guest:Because I will not come out with those motherfuckers out here.

01:25:48Guest:I just won't do it.

01:25:50Marc:What I want... That's what someone brought up in a note.

01:25:53Guest:Right here, the note says, Get those racist motherfuckers out.

01:26:00Marc:Tommy is in a fighting mood.

01:26:03Guest:I'm sorry.

01:26:04Marc:Because he almost got in a fight last night for fucking real, man.

01:26:08Marc:That was the greatest fucking event that I missed.

01:26:09Guest:I did almost get into a fight.

01:26:10Marc:Because I saw those guys.

01:26:11Marc:We were at that bar.

01:26:12Marc:What bar was that?

01:26:13Marc:The Z's?

01:26:14Marc:Z's Bar.

01:26:14Marc:And I walked into that bar, and these two dudes in camo walked out, and they gave me the eye.

01:26:20Marc:They were like, what's up?

01:26:21Guest:And I'm like, I know who you are.

01:26:23Guest:They were eyeballing everybody.

01:26:25Guest:Right.

01:26:25Marc:And then I left, though.

01:26:26Marc:But what the fuck happened?

01:26:27Guest:Well, first of all, I'd apologize to everyone who was a part of it.

01:26:31Guest:I've done that.

01:26:32Guest:Don't open with that.

01:26:34Guest:I didn't start drinking until three years ago.

01:26:37Guest:Really?

01:26:37Guest:So I'm getting a lot of shit out of my system, and some of it apparently is confronting guys in camo.

01:26:43Guest:I just haven't gone through that phase yet.

01:26:46Guest:I'm sorry.

01:26:47Guest:I'm a grown man, and I'm doing it.

01:26:49Guest:So we're leaving and there's a can on the ground.

01:26:55Guest:Chad Daniels kicks the can.

01:26:58Guest:I give the can a heavy boot.

01:26:59Guest:Like a solid fucking boot.

01:27:02Guest:And this guy goes, pick that fucking can up.

01:27:04Guest:And we keep walking.

01:27:06Guest:I didn't see him at first.

01:27:07Guest:Get it?

01:27:09Guest:So I know you probably won't, but some people at home will laugh at that.

01:27:12Guest:So we keep walking and he goes, pick up that fucking can.

01:27:16Guest:And I'm like, okay, that was the second time.

01:27:18Guest:And then he goes, listen here, motherfuckers.

01:27:20Guest:And I told the group, I go, you know what, guys, I'm going to go back.

01:27:22Guest:I'm just going to talk to this guy for a second.

01:27:24Guest:So I go back to a guy at 2.15 in the morning wearing camo and I go, hey, you can't talk to people like that.

01:27:34Guest:I go, we're strangers.

01:27:36Guest:You don't know us.

01:27:37Guest:You don't speak to people like that.

01:27:39Guest:That's a huge mistake, and I apologize to my friends for it.

01:27:42Guest:But wait, are you a fighter?

01:27:44Guest:Are you a fighting guy?

01:27:45Guest:I've been in a fight twice.

01:27:46Guest:I have a joke about one.

01:27:46Guest:You can Google my Letterman set if you want to do that.

01:27:49Guest:I'm not going to do the bit.

01:27:51Guest:But what happened was, that guy talks.

01:27:53Guest:Huge mistake.

01:27:54Guest:Huge mistake.

01:27:54Guest:I shouldn't be talking to this guy in a camouflage.

01:27:56Guest:I'm not a physical fighter guy.

01:27:58Guest:But in my mind, I'm like, he can't talk to people like that.

01:28:01Guest:Someone should tell him that he can't do that.

01:28:03Marc:That boy wasn't properly parented.

01:28:06Guest:That was a mistake.

01:28:08Guest:That's a mistake.

01:28:10Guest:The other mistake came when his friend goes, his friend said something like, what do you say?

01:28:15Guest:What do you say to my friend?

01:28:16Guest:And I don't even look at him.

01:28:17Guest:I just point at him and I go, you shouldn't even be fucking talking right now.

01:28:22Guest:and that causes him he was like upset about it that's always good when you're looking you keep an eye contact i'm keeping eye contact with this who's who's talking yeah so i yell that i yell that also wearing camouflage like it's a weird gay sadie hawkins dance

01:28:39Guest:So, I don't even know if you get the reference.

01:28:44Guest:I'm moving on, though.

01:28:45Guest:I go, you shouldn't be fucking talking right now.

01:28:47Guest:And then he tries to jump a banister, and one of the guys, I don't want to say his name, but he's also, he's like a big part of running the festival, has to grab this dude, and then the dude elbows him, and then we move on.

01:28:59Guest:And I didn't flinch, which was crazy surprising.

01:29:03Guest:Um...

01:29:03Guest:And then he chases me down the street, and I also... I just stand tall.

01:29:07Guest:That was my only... I don't have a fight move, but I'm like, I'm not backing down.

01:29:10Guest:Right.

01:29:11Guest:You've got the confidence of a guy with a CCW permit.

01:29:14Guest:And then Moshe Kasher gets this guy in a full Nelson.

01:29:20Guest:Very funny comedian, Moshe Kasher.

01:29:22Guest:Wow.

01:29:23Marc:And if you have any idea... I just want to frame that so people understand.

01:29:26Marc:A Jew...

01:29:28Marc:He's like... Don't ever think we're pussies.

01:29:30Marc:A Jew, Moshe Kasher.

01:29:32Guest:The Jewish Tommy Johnnigan.

01:29:35Marc:Oh, is he here?

01:29:36Guest:Thanks, Moshe.

01:29:38Marc:You want to tell your thing outside of it?

01:29:41Guest:Moshe?

01:29:41Marc:Yeah.

01:29:42Marc:Where are you?

01:29:46Guest:Yeah.

01:29:48Guest:Let's get Moshe up here.

01:29:50Guest:Well, yeah, he's here.

01:29:50Guest:What I want to...

01:29:52Marc:i think we've sealed the deal on me being edited out let me i gotta lay some rules down no crowd work we're telling a story now just also not what you expected me to look like right

01:30:06Guest:Moshe Full Nelson's a guy.

01:30:07Marc:Right, but I want Moshe to tell, I want you to tell me what, tell them what you told me about that move.

01:30:13Guest:Okay, I just saw him run at Tommy, and so I just thought, I didn't think, I thought, I just ran to go protect my friend, and that's the kind of gangster.

01:30:23Guest:We're not even great friends.

01:30:24Guest:Like, it was, here's what he, he did way more than I would do for him.

01:30:30Guest:Even by thinking about it, it was a lot more than I would have done.

01:30:34Guest:To put it into context, Tommy and I have never even come close to hanging out in life.

01:30:40Guest:I basically don't know Tommy.

01:30:42Guest:We're friends in the sense that I saw your photo on the elevator at the Grove at a bookstore.

01:30:49Guest:We're friends in the sense that I look like the gay version of you, basically.

01:30:53Guest:Thank you.

01:30:56Guest:My stepdad thinks I look like the gay version of me, which is interesting.

01:31:00Guest:Yeah, he called me and told me that.

01:31:02Guest:But so I ran up and I grabbed the guy and I did put him in something like a full Nelson.

01:31:09Guest:And then as I was holding him, I was smelling his like camouflaged back and feeling his girth in my arms.

01:31:20Guest:And I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

01:31:25Guest:And then he turns, and then he also has the thought, what the fuck are you doing?

01:31:30Guest:He turns around, cocks his fist back, and then I thought, oh, I'm about to get knocked out for comedy's Tommy John again.

01:31:39Marc:But what was your first instinct at that moment?

01:31:44Guest:What I did, and this is my real default in a fight I found out now, is that I just fully fetal positioned a...

01:31:52Guest:I just closed my eyes and I fetal positioned up and I thought, this is it.

01:31:56Guest:And then some time went by and nothing happened.

01:32:00Guest:And I opened my eyes and the guy was laid out on the ground.

01:32:05Guest:True story.

01:32:06Guest:You make cowering look like performance.

01:32:11Guest:Buy my new book, Asher and the Rye, available March 28th.

01:32:14Guest:Thank you, Moshe.

01:32:15Guest:Thank you for your part in that.

01:32:18Guest:Appreciate that.

01:32:19Guest:That was great.

01:32:20Guest:He was super nice to do that.

01:32:22Guest:And I apologize to him.

01:32:24Guest:I apologize to you for the energy I came up with.

01:32:26Guest:I was nervous about this.

01:32:27Guest:I'm not going to lie to you.

01:32:29Guest:I can't imagine that you, having seen or liked my comedy, that's the truth.

01:32:34Guest:So I don't think that you like me as a person.

01:32:37Marc:Are we going to finish this story or what are we going to do?

01:32:40Guest:I think that was the end of it.

01:32:41Guest:No, but didn't they follow you to the lobby?

01:32:44Guest:Oh, they did.

01:32:44Guest:Well, first of all, he just kept, he was very persistent.

01:32:48Guest:Guys in camouflage don't give up.

01:32:50Guest:You know what I mean?

01:32:51Guest:They're wearing camouflage for a reason.

01:32:52Guest:They have to honor the outfit.

01:32:55Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:32:56Guest:Somehow he had Johnnigan piss and I was like, where's that coming from?

01:33:00Guest:That's not true.

01:33:01Guest:That was the added part.

01:33:02Guest:Um...

01:33:03Guest:So we go to the lobby.

01:33:05Guest:Moshe's there with me.

01:33:06Marc:Who else is witnessing this?

01:33:08Guest:Chad Daniels.

01:33:09Guest:Yeah.

01:33:11Marc:I feel like we should do a Rauschenmann thing.

01:33:14Marc:Like we have five or six versions of the same story.

01:33:17Guest:You forgot to tell them that the camouflage guy had sung Cher earlier in the night.

01:33:21Guest:Yeah, the camouflage guy had done his own rendition of Cher at karaoke that night.

01:33:25Marc:Okay, so that throws the credibility of the camouflage and the question all together.

01:33:31Marc:So they come to the hotel.

01:33:33Marc:This is the best part of the story for me.

01:33:33Guest:I think they're staying at the hotel.

01:33:35Guest:And then Moshe and I see them.

01:33:37Marc:They came in.

01:33:37Marc:They're not staying there.

01:33:38Guest:And we're like, holy shit.

01:33:40Guest:This fucking... What are the odds of two guys also in camouflage who look like that?

01:33:46Guest:Which is pretty high in Michigan.

01:33:47Guest:But it happened to be the same guys.

01:33:50Guest:Moshe and I are like, let's get out of here.

01:33:52Guest:Moshe doesn't remember what floor he's staying on.

01:33:55Guest:And I'm twiddling the room key in my hand and somehow miraculously drop it in that crack in the elevator.

01:34:01Guest:The crack that the fucking guy on dirty jobs investigated on a week.

01:34:07Guest:I don't even understand it.

01:34:08Guest:So now we're on the fourth floor like, what do we do?

01:34:10Guest:That guy is, while that's happening downstairs with my friends, Chad Daniels, Vince Morris, and he goes up to the front desk and he goes, did you call the cops?

01:34:19Guest:Because that guy is a litterer.

01:34:22Guest:I'm like, okay, so he has a point and he's doing it for a reason.

01:34:25Marc:But how can fucking camouflage guys who are supposed to be such badasses hold on to this fucking thing like, you know, we're following through with the litter thing.

01:34:33Guest:You made a good point.

01:34:35Guest:That was my comedy version outside of comedy and...

01:34:40Guest:The thing that Chad told me was he was like, you're trying to teach morals to a guy in camouflage with a dirty beard at 2.15 a.m.

01:34:48Guest:Just not a message.

01:34:49Guest:It's not going to get through.

01:34:50Guest:I think the lesson is start drinking in high school.

01:34:52Guest:I should.

01:34:53Marc:Yeah, start drinking way too late.

01:34:54Marc:Started two years ago, three years ago.

01:34:55Marc:So, no, I like you.

01:34:58Marc:I don't know why you would think I didn't like you.

01:34:59Marc:I don't understand why people have that thing about me.

01:35:01Marc:No, you're saying people.

01:35:04Guest:Who gives a shit about people?

01:35:06Guest:What are you?

01:35:06Marc:Are you on his campaign?

01:35:08Marc:What?

01:35:08Marc:He just said, who gives a shit about people?

01:35:10Marc:That seemed like something you wouldn't like.

01:35:11Guest:No, you strike me.

01:35:13Guest:I worry, yeah, I don't think that you don't like people.

01:35:16Guest:I think that me as an individual.

01:35:18Guest:But that's something that maybe should be edited out.

01:35:20Marc:Now, I don't know if this is like a story that you're comfortable with telling, but we have a common friend, and when I told him you were going to be on the show, I think he texted me, oh shit, I got stuff on Tommy.

01:35:32Guest:Yeah, that's what your good friend would do.

01:35:34Marc:Yeah.

01:35:35Guest:No, no, he's a great guy, but he says... No, he is one of my favorite people.

01:35:38Marc:He says that you're losing your virginity story is one of the best stories he's ever heard.

01:35:43Guest:Well, first of all, that's a shitty way to start a story.

01:35:46Guest:That's like, hey, this story's the best, and then I'll tell it.

01:35:51Guest:I can go to another story.

01:35:53Guest:The virginity story, it's... I lost my virginity at 5 in the morning, September 11, 2001.

01:36:04Guest:right i know never forget right um wow it's i like to specify the time because i lost it before went down you know what i mean like that didn't happen and i was like i gotta somebody i at five i was with a girl we was an affair she had a boyfriend who she lived with who still

01:36:29Guest:Who is married now and lives in my hometown still wants to fist fight me.

01:36:35Guest:It's amazing.

01:36:36Guest:Fist fight you?

01:36:37Guest:He wants to murder me.

01:36:39Guest:So they lived together.

01:36:40Guest:We had this huge affair that lasted six months.

01:36:43Guest:And then finally, the night it's going to happen, it's late.

01:36:47Guest:It's really late.

01:36:48Guest:We put on Hope Floats.

01:36:50Guest:Watch it in its entirety.

01:36:52Guest:By the way, that girl is adorable.

01:36:54Guest:Sandra Bullock, holy shit, right?

01:36:57Guest:So we watch all of Hope Floats, and then we're messing around, and we're messing around, and she goes, are you ready?

01:37:04Guest:And I was like, I'm ready.

01:37:05Guest:Which is the weirdest.

01:37:06Guest:We're not launching a shuttle.

01:37:07Guest:Like, I'm...

01:37:09Guest:I've been ready for a long time.

01:37:13Guest:I've been ready.

01:37:14Guest:I'm not going to be good, but ready, yes.

01:37:17Guest:So she goes, are you ready?

01:37:18Guest:I was like, yes.

01:37:19Guest:And then what happened was because she lived with her boyfriend, we couldn't go to her house because her boyfriend lived there, and we couldn't go to my house because my mom and her husband lived there.

01:37:28Guest:And we are in her friend's house.

01:37:33Guest:I swear to God, we had to hide my car.

01:37:36Guest:I have no morals or feelings.

01:37:38Guest:So I didn't give a shit about her boyfriend.

01:37:40Guest:So I'm fine with hiding my car, and I hid it at a church.

01:37:43Guest:And we go to her friend's house, and her dad is a preacher.

01:37:47Guest:And he's on a mission in Africa.

01:37:49Guest:And I'm like, little did he know, he could be doing a lot of work at home right now.

01:37:52Guest:You know what I mean?

01:37:53Guest:He didn't have to get on a plane.

01:37:55Guest:He could have fixed some shit.

01:37:57Guest:So we're in this preacher's bed, and she's like, are you ready?

01:38:00Guest:And I'm like, I'm ready.

01:38:01Guest:And we toss a preacher's room like something on the wire.

01:38:09Guest:But we're looking for condoms.

01:38:11Guest:Preachers don't have condoms.

01:38:13Guest:So we have to drive to a gas station in Christopher, Illinois, and buy condoms.

01:38:19Guest:We bought a three-pack because I'm a pessimist.

01:38:22Guest:You know what I'm saying?

01:38:24Guest:I'm not going to buy 12.

01:38:25Guest:That's $16.

01:38:26Guest:So we go back to this preacher's house, and we do it for the first time.

01:38:33Guest:And just out of pure nerves, I lasted way longer than I thought.

01:38:37Guest:How long was that?

01:38:38Guest:That was really uncomfortable.

01:38:41Guest:So then I go back to my parents' house.

01:38:43Guest:I go home.

01:38:43Marc:So you did good.

01:38:43Marc:You did all right.

01:38:44Guest:I did well.

01:38:45Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:38:45Guest:We did that for months until her boyfriend broke up with her.

01:38:48Guest:And I didn't know that he and I were somehow tied.

01:38:51Guest:You know what I mean?

01:38:52Guest:It was a situation where she broke up with him, and then she's like, oh, yeah, and then you're also gone.

01:38:58Guest:Like, I'm cleaning.

01:38:59Guest:You know what I mean?

01:39:00Guest:Sure.

01:39:00Guest:You guys work it out.

01:39:01Guest:It's like what she did what the Colts are doing right now in football.

01:39:05Guest:Just completely fired everyone.

01:39:07Guest:and uh and so we do it and then I wake up in the morning I lived at home I was 18 years old my mom pounds on the door and she goes we're under attack and I thought she meant us specifically because I lived across the street from this guy named Travis Sullivan who shot my dog I'm like that motherfucker you know what I mean

01:39:28Guest:And so I go back to sleep.

01:39:31Guest:Travis Sullivan wasn't part of it.

01:39:33Guest:Here's the thing.

01:39:33Guest:I think at any moment in your life, if someone wakes you up by yelling, we're under attack, you're not going to go back to sleep.

01:39:40Guest:You're going to be like, I'm going to have to investigate what that problem was.

01:39:43Guest:So I turn on the TV as the second plane hits the tower.

01:39:51Guest:Mm-hmm.

01:39:51Guest:And it happens, and that whole thing unfolds, and not a joke, not a funny moment.

01:39:58Guest:Part of me was like, holy fuck.

01:40:02Guest:I was raised religiously.

01:40:05Guest:I mean, my parents said, wait till marriage, but they did not preach the consequences.

01:40:13Guest:You know what I mean?

01:40:14Guest:I feel like there was too much focus on don't do it and less focus on what would happen if you did.

01:40:22Guest:And her... I'm doing very well.

01:40:27Guest:Her friend called me.

01:40:30Guest:I didn't give any names.

01:40:32Guest:I didn't give a name, right?

01:40:33Guest:Her friend called me and it was a very funny moment.

01:40:35Guest:She goes, what did you do?

01:40:37Guest:That was like the thing she said and then she hung up.

01:40:39Guest:I'm like, something fun, I thought, and then it ruined everything.

01:40:43Marc:For the world.

01:40:44Marc:For the world.

01:40:45Guest:For the world.

01:40:47Guest:It was crazy.

01:40:48Guest:Oh, God.

01:40:48Guest:I'm glad Singer text you about that.

01:40:51Marc:That's a great story.

01:40:53Guest:Yeah.

01:40:54Marc:Where did you grow up?

01:40:55Guest:I grew up in southern Illinois.

01:40:56Guest:It's about two hours from St.

01:40:57Guest:Louis, an hour from Kentucky, a town of 6,000 white people.

01:41:01Guest:There's three black people now, and I don't say that in a way of, I'm guessing, like there's literally... My mom called...

01:41:09Guest:My mom called me, and she goes, we live on a street, and she goes, oh, this black family moved in across the street there.

01:41:22Guest:And I go, you've never called me to tell me a white family has moved in.

01:41:27Guest:You have to understand what's happening right now.

01:41:29Guest:And she goes, oh, I just mean like, yeah, I was just saying that a black family moved in.

01:41:33Guest:I was like, I don't think that's okay.

01:41:35Guest:She says colored people still, which is, I mean, it's not good, but if I could get my stepdad to say colored people, we've fucking made progress.

01:41:47Guest:You know what I mean?

01:41:48Guest:Tommy Johnnigan, ladies and gentlemen.

01:41:50Guest:Drew Hastings, Amber Preston, Alan Rivell, Kevin Nealon.

01:41:56Marc:Kick on the music.

01:41:58Marc:You've been great, Grand Rapids.

01:42:00Marc:This was a good time.

01:42:02Marc:Happy birthday, Jill.

01:42:05Marc:Thank you for listening to the show.

01:42:08Marc:I'll be out front if you want a t-shirt, you want to say hi, whatever you need.

01:42:12Marc:Thank you so much for coming.

01:42:14Marc:I'll see you out there.

01:42:15Marc:Thank you.

01:42:17Marc:That's great.