Episode 28 - Eddie Brill / Toby Maron
Guest 5:Lock the gates!
Guest 4:Are we doing this?
Guest 4:Really?
Guest 4:Wait for it.
Guest 4:Are we doing this?
Guest 4:Wait for it.
Guest 4:Pow!
Guest 4:What the fuck?
Guest 4:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest 4:What's wrong with me?
Guest 4:It's time for WTF!
Guest 4:What the fuck?
Guest 4:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this, what the fuckers.
Marc:This is Mark Maron.
Marc:Welcome to WTF.
Marc:I am glad you're listening to the show.
Marc:I've been on the road for weeks.
Marc:I have not fully grounded myself back in Los Angeles.
Marc:I still have congestion in my head.
Marc:What happened to the regular cold?
Marc:What happened to just...
Marc:Getting a cold and having it go away.
Marc:How come these viruses and bacterias, what do you mean how come?
Marc:Of course they've built up a resistance to everything we put in our bodies to hold them back.
Marc:Now you can't just get a cold.
Marc:Now I'm like, I'm clogged up.
Marc:I don't know when it's ever going to go away.
Marc:When is it going to leave me?
Marc:When is this thick viscous goo going to stop coming out of my sinuses?
Marc:On today's show, we've got Eddie Brill, who is a veteran comic, but also books The David Letterman Show.
Marc:I've had to deal with him as a booker on The David Letterman Show and as a friend for years.
Marc:And I'm sorry, people, but we did the interview in Florida in Eddie's hotel room.
Marc:So it is like it's a couple of old Jews.
Marc:I'm not that old, and he's a little older than me.
Marc:But it's a couple of Jews sitting in a hotel room in Florida talking about show business.
Marc:And a little after that, we're going to talk to my mother.
Marc:I've decided because my father has such a presence on the show that it's time to throw my mom a bone.
Marc:My dad does the wellness segment.
Marc:My mother is now going to contribute her food segment.
Marc:So look forward to Toby Maron's food segment coming up on the show.
Marc:I'd also like to put some feelers out there.
Marc:We would like somebody to write us a theme, some theme music for the show because we are using music we probably shouldn't be using.
Marc:So I want to put that out there.
Marc:And even though I am in a hotel room in Vancouver, hold on, wait for it.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:Oh, I almost shit my pants, but I didn't because it's not justcoffee.coop because I don't bring it on the road.
Marc:You can go to wtfpod.com and go to the justcoffee.coop link.
Marc:Go there.
Marc:Put WTF in the coupon box.
Marc:Get yourself a break on the coffee.
Marc:They do have the WTF blend now.
Marc:So get yourself some WTF coffee at justcoffee.coop.
Marc:Put WTF in the coupon box.
Marc:Dig it.
Marc:I've fucked up.
Marc:I've fucked up.
Marc:We didn't record anything.
Marc:We didn't record anything.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Let's start again.
Marc:Let's start again?
Marc:I'm cool with it.
Marc:I just had it pushed on the test.
Marc:I'm an idiot.
Marc:So Eddie and I have been talking for 20 minutes.
Marc:We'll try to catch you up with what we've been talking about.
Marc:My guest is Eddie Brill.
Marc:He's a stand-up comic I've known for about 20 years.
Marc:And he's also now...
Marc:booking Letterman, and he does the warm-up for Letterman, and he still works every spare second.
Marc:I think this is probably the only time you've had a vacation.
Guest 2:Well, Thanksgiving, but I have to work tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday.
Guest 2:Because why?
Guest 2:Sunday, because I'm doing the Letterman show for the first time in a bunch of years.
Guest 2:I just didn't book myself on the show.
Guest 2:I'd done the show a lot.
Guest 2:I was going to say, you know the booker.
Guest 2:I sleep with him every night.
Guest 2:And nothing.
Marc:That bastard.
Marc:If you can't get on, how are you going to help anybody else?
Marc:I know.
Marc:He's a tough sell.
Marc:The funny thing is, though, when you got the job, I remember all of us.
Marc:I was thinking about it at my mother's house because we're both down here visiting our mothers for Thanksgiving.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And I was thinking about it.
Marc:It was like when De Niro and Ray Liotta, when Pesci was getting made.
Marc:All the comics were like, Eddie's going to be the guy?
Marc:We know Eddie.
Marc:Eddie's a great guy.
Marc:Thank God he didn't get taken out.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:You see me in this field in plastic bags.
Marc:I'll tell you, you're the only one that I know out of all those guys.
Marc:That nobody has a bad word to say.
Marc:They love you.
Marc:They think you're a mensch.
Guest 2:Well, you know, the people who don't get booked, you know, they say bad things a lot.
Guest 2:And it's always their, you know, their own shit.
Guest 2:You know, it's their, I mean, not always.
Guest 2:But one thing, as being a comic, I remember when I auditioned for Letterman, I auditioned like five times.
Guest 2:And I didn't get it until like the fifth time.
Guest 2:And I didn't understand what the difference, because no one ever, no one was approachable to me.
Guest 2:yeah and i remember seeing some of the bookers of the shows just being kind of like you know hoity-toity and you know acting like they were superstars and i thought well the one thing i would do if i booked it would not be that guy be the other guy the approachable guy the honest guy look if you can't do the show i'm not gonna string you along i'm just gonna tell you why yes or no and i put as many comics as i can and i have
Guest 2:you know there are years i only had 12 comics on the show a whole year and so it makes it rough so that's why i didn't put myself on for the last six and a half years i haven't done it since june of 2003 and there also must be some element of like you don't want to push it like i want to push it i do i mean i don't know what you mean by pushing but i mean by like you can't put yourself on every two weeks right of course let her be like eddie yeah all right
Marc:We'd really like to have a meeting.
Marc:Again, for the second time this month, please welcome Eddie Brill, who I have to talk to after the show.
Guest 2:That's horrible.
Guest 2:I would do it like once a year, you know, at the beginning, the first few years.
Guest 2:And then I filled in once when some guests couldn't make it.
Guest 2:And that was my worst set, by the way.
Guest 2:Oh, really?
Guest 2:Because I tried a joke that I thought was funny that I had never tried on stage or anything or my friends before.
Guest 2:And I opened with it.
Guest 2:And it was, I thought we thought it was a good place to try.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Cause you need a short joke to kind of write it.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:So I didn't have any.
Guest 2:So, but I had this one where I went, I was in Penn station the other day.
Guest 2:It was so crowded.
Guest 2:It was like grand central station in there.
Guest 2:And I thought that was funny, but apparently nothing, nothing.
Guest 2:The audience in the audience because the audience saw tourists.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:They don't know.
Guest 2:They don't know.
Guest 2:It's another ride at the park for them.
Marc:Let's go to the Letterman.
Guest 2:Another E-ticket.
Guest 2:Yeah, exactly.
Guest 2:And nothing except the saxophone player who laughed because I probably wasn't getting any laughs.
Guest 2:Oh, that's when they laughed.
Marc:That's when the musicians laughed.
Marc:That's when you know you're in trouble is when the musicians are laughing.
Guest 2:Oh.
Guest 2:So that set didn't go as well.
Guest 2:I, you know, did well by the end, but there was a couple of minutes at the beginning and the audience was like, we don't like this guy.
Marc:Oh, no.
Guest 2:But that's okay.
Guest 2:It's a great experience.
Marc:But that happens, though.
Marc:That happens on Letterman.
Marc:And I think this is something which you clear up because I know I have a lot of people, a lot of comedians,
Marc:listening to this and actually a lot of people who aren't comedians that tolerate my talking to comedians but this is one there's two things that happen both in the world of comedy and not in comedy people who aren't in comedy go why don't you get on Letterman right there's that one when are you going to get on Letterman and when are you going to do Letterman again can't you just call yeah I can just call
Marc:Yeah, you can.
Marc:And then there's the other thing with comics who don't understand how it works is that I can't tell you when I was younger and doing more road work than I do now, you get these comics, a guy in like North Carolina, he's like, I'm like, well, you're going to have to go to New York.
Marc:He goes, if you want to do Letterman, that kind of stuff.
Marc:He's like, no, no, I'm going to stay here.
Marc:They'll come around.
Marc:I'm like, they're not coming around.
Guest 2:It doesn't happen that often.
Guest 2:You know, and a lot of comics ask me and I'll say, you know, well, they say, well, I have a family and I have to stay here.
Guest 2:And I go, well, that's what part of the sacrifice is you've got to
Guest 2:To be one of the top comics, you've got to be in a market that's really terrific.
Guest 2:Put it all on the line.
Guest 2:Right.
Marc:You've got to have a drug problem that you either kick or you don't.
Marc:You can't care about your family.
Marc:You've got to be willing to lose your relationship with your kids and go broke.
Guest 2:Right.
Marc:And if you don't have that.
Guest 2:If they don't have that, you might as well just be a regular guy.
Guest 2:Don't call me.
Guest 2:I'm busy.
Marc:I got guys who have sacrificed their life and everything in it waiting online to get on this show.
Guest 2:But the truth is, the cool part about the fact that I'm a comedian is I get to go to these towns and I shut up showcases in all these towns and
Guest 2:So I'll go to Australia and set up a showcase there.
Guest 2:One of the best clubs in America is the Denver Comedy Works.
Guest 2:The woman, Wendy Curtis, who runs that place, she just grows her comedians up.
Guest 2:She puts them on stage with the headliners on the weekend, gives them 10 minutes, gives them a chance to shine.
Guest 2:And I found great comics there.
Marc:Well, you're probably one of the only bookers that actually does that anymore.
Marc:And, you know, no one has anything bad to say about you.
Marc:But like you said, some comics who don't know you.
Guest 2:Yeah, I mean, you know.
Marc:I set them straight, though.
Marc:I will tell you that right now.
Marc:Like, you know, I don't know that Eddie guy.
Marc:What about that Eddie Brill guy?
Marc:I don't understand.
Marc:Eddie Brill's a great guy.
Marc:What do you want from him?
Marc:Do you have the fucking five-minute setter?
Guest 2:Don't you?
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:He's got a job to do.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:And that's the thing.
Guest 2:I've had people say, look, just put me on.
Guest 2:Even if I suck, you can just, you know.
Guest 2:It's like, no.
Guest 5:No.
Guest 2:It says one time, you know, people have said that.
Guest 2:But the truth is, is that I don't just, because I'm a comic, I know what it's like.
Guest 2:I know what the dream is to do Letterman.
Guest 2:And I'll see a comic and they might not, I'll give you a name.
Guest 2:Andy Woodhull is a young kid in Chicago.
Guest 2:Black Kid?
Guest 2:No.
Guest 2:Because someone was talking about some Black Kid.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:He's going to do the show.
Guest 2:Hannibal Buress.
Guest 2:He's good.
Guest 2:He's very funny.
Guest 2:Hilarious.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Waiting to get a spot so I can put him on.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Probably March or April.
Guest 2:But March is a tough month because of the NCAA tournament.
Guest 2:Anyway.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Let's get Andy Woodhull.
Guest 2:I saw him two years ago.
Guest 2:And I told him this in front of him the other day, because that was in Chicago, and he wasn't that great of a comic.
Guest 2:And then I saw him last year, and he was leaps and bounds a better comic.
Guest 2:Then I saw him this last time, and he still sort of stayed on the same path.
Guest 2:So I told him, I said, look, you know, I gave him advice each time.
Guest 2:Not that he has to take it, but I think that, you know, I know as a booker that comics will grow.
Guest 2:You know, I've changed my, reinvented myself three or four times in my career, so...
Marc:What does that mean to you though?
Marc:Because like you said that you've reinvented yourself and you're touring Europe.
Marc:For you, what does it mean?
Guest 2:You know, at the beginning, I always loved George Carlin.
Guest 2:He was my hero.
Guest 2:It was the coolest story of my life is that I became my friend.
Guest 2:My hero, my friend story.
Guest 2:And it just was a completely fantastic world for me.
Guest 2:and he taught me a lot he was your friend at the end yeah he was his wife's been on my facebook she's very nice lady sally wade yeah it's fantastic he called me to teach her to help her become a stand-up oh really yeah that's how much he trusted me he wanted me to help her what was your relationship with him i mean how did that come about
Guest 2:Um, he saw me on Letterman and he called the show and it was really cool.
Guest 2:And then, you know, there are many times along the way that he, you know, he got in touch with me, said that I was one of him and his brother's favorite comedians.
Guest 2:It was really great.
Guest 2:And that was at a point where I had reinvented myself because I remember when Carlin first started, he was, you know, trying to please the audience.
Guest 2:He was in a team, I think.
Guest 2:Well, Carlin and Burns, right?
Guest 2:Carlin and Burns, who was Burns and Triber, Jack Burns, Chicago guy.
Guest 2:Yeah, a great straight man.
Guest 2:Yes, fantastic.
Guest 2:I'm doing a Jack Burns kind of character in my next Letterman set, sort of a tribute almost, for this one character I'm playing, just for a second.
Guest 2:But I think of Jack Burns in my mind.
Guest 2:When I do the character.
Marc:So he, so Carlin was one of those guys where, you know, he was a straight, you know, entertainer.
Marc:And then when Lenny Bruce broke the wall down, they're like, oh, we better get in this.
Marc:It's time to get in that room.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:Grow the hair out.
Guest 2:He wanted to be honest.
Guest 2:And the thing about Europe, it really makes you honest and it's really great.
Guest 2:And you spend a lot of time there.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I spend a lot of time.
Marc:So you're saying that you're going a little deeper and that you're being a little more yourself.
Marc:The one thing I used to say about you years ago was when people asked me if I've seen, if I've seen him, I said, of course they've seen that.
Marc:He's very upset about the phone book.
Guest 2:yeah he did now i don't remember that bit oh good haberdashers it's funny that you that's not even the word in it should have been no what was it it was apparel apparel right why would they have apparel yeah and by the way i just want to say that i did an auction last week and that's why i sound like soupy sales
Marc:Well, I mean, we've lost some guys, but then you talk about that generation.
Guest 2:The thing is, we did these wonderful shows, tributes to Sid Caesar and Buddy Hacken, the Friars Club.
Guest 2:Buddy Hacken I wrote to when I was a child to get his autographed picture.
Guest 2:Did he send it back?
Guest 2:He did.
Guest 2:That's really great.
Guest 2:I don't know if he sent it back, but he sent it back.
Marc:It was him, but yeah.
Marc:He was one of the guys when I was a kid that I went in and out of the old school because I have a very old school mind around comedy, and I love those guys.
Marc:And Buddy Hackett, never not funny.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:And one of the earliest memories of my parents having a great time was them.
Guest 2:I was very little.
Guest 2:We were in some hotel in Florida, I guess.
Guest 2:And we were New Yorkers at that time.
Guest 2:And they came back from the Buddy Hackett show and were laughing so hard, like crying and laughing and hugging.
Guest 2:And that's what comedy does to people.
Guest 2:Not mine, generally.
Guest 2:People leave disoriented.
Guest 2:But that's okay.
Guest 5:At least they get something.
Guest 2:They're not walking away not remembering what they don't remember.
Guest 2:But I just thought, who's this Buddy Hackett?
Guest 2:Then I saw him a week later on The Tonight Show, and he made me cry laughing.
Guest 2:Same thing with Don Rickles, who I got to know.
Guest 2:I hope it doesn't come off as braggy.
Guest 2:The truth is that I'm so incredibly humbled by knowing these guys who are my heroes.
Guest 2:knowing that even though they're 80 and 83 85 they're still comics joan rivers one time i was doing my first letterman i was getting on a plane the next day i was doing letterman joan rivers on the plane i met her in the gate and i said hey joan i'm doing letterman tomorrow um just you know i'd met her once before so she changed seats with the woman next to her and sat with me and went over my set with me on the plane and gave me some hints really told me to pause here and
Guest 2:Really?
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:Did you listen to her?
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:But back to the comedians, and it's important that comedians know this.
Guest 2:I'm open to anybody, and I will look at everybody and anybody, and I will look at them over time.
Guest 2:And if someone is right for the show, I will let them know.
Guest 2:And if they're not right, I will let them know.
Guest 2:At least they know why they're right or they're not right.
Guest 2:And what I look for is I look through Letterman's eyes, what makes him laugh.
Guest 2:And you've got to trust you on that.
Marc:That's the thing that a lot of comics don't understand.
Guest 2:You have to trust me on that.
Guest 2:You can't fight it.
Guest 2:Because I know.
Marc:Because I tried to fight.
Marc:See, my first two, I think Zoe Friedman booked.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And then you booked my last two.
Marc:And there was a joke that I had.
Marc:And you were like, you know, I said, you know, blow up the building in the joke.
Marc:You go, just make it take over the world.
Marc:And I'm like, that's not going to work.
Marc:He's like, look.
Marc:And you said, it's going to work.
Marc:And I'm like, I can't do it.
Marc:He goes, well, you got to do it.
Marc:Because we're not blowing up buildings on Letterman.
Marc:And I did it.
Marc:And it worked fine.
Guest 2:Yeah, because the essence of the joke is really what counts.
Guest 2:That's why when people say, well, I've got to be dirty, that's why I can't do Letterman, I go, Richard Pryor did the Tom Jones show and was brilliant.
Guest 2:Richard Pryor did Ed Sullivan and maybe he was cleaner and more milquetoast.
Guest 2:Take it to the Tom Jones show.
Guest 2:You could see the Tom Jones show.
Guest 2:There's an edit.
Guest 2:They probably said something even more brilliant.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:It was too dirty.
Guest 2:But if you're a really great comic, I mean, we've had some of the dirtier comics in a sense, like Jim Norton and even Nick DiPaolo, who I don't really consider dirty.
Guest 2:I consider him brilliant.
Guest 2:And we've cleaned them up for television because you have to do it's network television.
Guest 2:Those are the rules.
Marc:Well, that's the thing.
Marc:That's the weird thing, too, about like the whole the Bill Hicks predicament that happened on Morton's watch where there's this idea that like they censored Hicks.
Marc:It's like it's not censoring.
Marc:It's a company.
Marc:This is network television.
Marc:It's owned by a corporation.
Marc:There are certain rules.
Marc:It's not a constitutional issue.
Guest 2:And it's also not about creative control or licensing.
Guest 2:Everyone said, well, Bill talked about the Christian situation and abortion, and that's why they bumped him.
Guest 2:But all those jokes were fine.
Guest 2:They were smart.
Guest 2:Wasn't it an advertising issue?
Guest 2:No, it was.
Guest 2:The only issue was his opening bit was about sticking a gun in Billy Ray Cyrus's mouth and shooting him.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:And then Michael Bolton.
Guest 2:Now, we know that's not an issue off the camera because, you know, most people, it's a cartoon way of saying these guys are not talented.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:But you can't do that on network television.
Guest 2:You can't put a gun in the mouth of somebody in any way.
Guest 2:And they realize that after the fact?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:No, that's what made them uncomfortable about the set.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:At the time.
Marc:And then I remember it was on your watch where Hicks' mother comes on.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And it was an amazing thing.
Guest 2:It was out of nowhere.
Guest 2:Dave has been, was so bummed out about that decision.
Marc:But I mean, out of nowhere in the sense that nobody really knew, most people don't know Bill Hicks.
Marc:Yeah, nobody knew.
Guest 2:And no one knew the story.
Marc:But it was important to Dave to get closure on this and apologize.
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:And he did.
Guest 2:And you could never get closure.
Guest 2:He will never have complete closure on it.
Guest 2:But he does, I would guess I can't be him and tell him you what he thinks.
Guest 2:But he definitely, it felt good for him to be able to look at her in the eye and say, I'm sorry for what we did to your son.
Marc:Okay, well, as a service to young comics, and maybe as an insider look into this process, I want to let it be known that I've done Letterman twice on Eddie's Watch.
Marc:The second time, I was a little paranoid afterwards because I felt like I added a line that I didn't do on purpose out of habit, and I thought it destroyed everything.
Marc:But it didn't, right?
Marc:No.
Marc:And then what happened was I wrote you recently, and I said I got a set, and you said you might have a spot in a week and a half, but then that spot closed up.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:There was someone else who had a spot who might have not been able to do one, but I had you working just in case because you're one of the great comics that we have on the show.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So now when I said to you, I said, because, of course, I read that initially as that wasn't good.
Marc:Right, of course.
Guest 2:But that's who you are.
Guest 2:But part of my job is to be a psychologist in a sense, too.
Guest 2:So like me and Bill Burr were talking about that.
Guest 2:He said, oh, I'm freaking out.
Guest 2:I go, I know you're freaking out.
Guest 2:You're Bill Burr.
Guest 2:I have to deal with you because you freak out.
Guest 2:He does freak out too?
Guest 2:Not freak out in a horrible way.
Marc:Who freaks out the most?
Guest 2:Everyone freaks out.
Guest 2:And that's part of the job of a psychologist.
Guest 2:I know that everyone's worried because I'm worried.
Guest 2:The funny thing is about Frank Smiley at Conan who I work with all the time as a segment producer.
Marc:He likes you to freak out.
Marc:He'll make me freak out.
Marc:Maybe that's effective.
Marc:I mean, I've been doing it with him a long time, and so it's not that big a deal.
Marc:But he'll have you do your set on the phone.
Marc:And what I'll do is I'll sit there, and I'll literally stand up and start pacing and do my set on the phone.
Marc:So I do a joke, and then you hear Frank go, you got more?
Marc:You got more, right?
Marc:And then I'll do another one.
Marc:He's like, is that all you got?
Marc:I mean, it's good.
Marc:He plays it, but at least he's honest.
Marc:All right, so let's do this.
Marc:Because I brought this set that I sent you,
Marc:Okay.
Guest 2:We can do that.
Marc:Let me just see if I know which ones.
Marc:See, I sent you this set.
Guest 2:All right.
Guest 2:I wish I had a copy to play along, but... All right.
Marc:So the first joke is basically... Oh, so the first joke... This is good for the podcast.
Guest 2:I'm not... Yeah.
Marc:No, that's good.
Marc:But no, this is going to be interesting for me because I don't think we've got... We wouldn't get this specific until...
Marc:Now, this will probably solve a lot of problems because by the end of this podcast, I will have a set ready.
Marc:I think so.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So the first joke was like, I take out my cell phone.
Marc:I say, let me just tweet where I am.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:Now, here's the interesting thing about that.
Marc:Nine comics have done it.
Guest 2:Well, a lot of people have done tweet, Twitter, tweet jokes.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:But to take out the prop, it's always better to do comedy without anything.
Guest 2:I know that.
Guest 2:Now, you did once with a cell phone bit.
Guest 2:With no phone.
Guest 2:But we didn't use the phone, remember?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:And it still worked like a charm.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:That was the only note I would have had about that, to not have to take out.
Guest 2:We don't want it like a trick or a thing.
Guest 2:All right.
Guest 2:So that's out.
Guest 2:I get it.
Guest 2:I get it.
Guest 2:All right.
Guest 2:Not out idea, but it's just we don't need to take the phone out and do that as a trick because the material in it is great.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So the material is that I get frustrated with the instruction books.
Marc:I just need to pick a sound and put my two friends in.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:And that's a great little bit.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:Because it really, I mean, it's very honest and it's very ironic.
Marc:So you're good at where it's all I need are two.
Marc:I need the main guy and the guy I go to when I drain the main guy.
Marc:Right.
Guest 2:Right.
Marc:That's very funny.
Marc:Oh, the potential magician's joke.
Marc:That if you don't know how to use your phone, you surround it.
Marc:You like that.
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:That somebody comes up from me.
Guest 2:Right, right.
Guest 2:You just hit T and it goes to the top.
Guest 2:It's funny I don't have the stuff, but I remember the joke.
Guest 2:It is funny, actually.
Guest 2:It's weird because I have to remember all of them.
Guest 2:And write my own.
Guest 2:Yeah, I'm sorry.
Guest 2:That's the hard part.
Marc:I don't mean to add more strife.
Marc:That's all right.
Marc:Yes, you do.
Marc:I'm recently divorced, but I'm fine.
Marc:I'm fine.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:Enough with the word fine.
Marc:You know, if you ask somebody, hey, how you doing?
Marc:They say fine.
Marc:What they're really saying is, don't walk away.
Marc:Help me.
Marc:I'm in trouble here.
Guest 2:But you can't say that because they'll just let you go, don't worry, you'll be fine.
Guest 2:And you know, just my first thought would be, instead of using that line at the beginning that says, you know, I'm divorced, but I'm fine.
Guest 2:Just say I'm fine.
Guest 2:Enough with the word fine.
Guest 2:The whole joke's about the word fine.
Guest 2:So you're using a sort of setup to get to the word.
Guest 2:And it's almost not as real as just saying, isn't it weird with the word fine?
Marc:Or if I can just say, just take a beat and just go, I'm fine.
Marc:Don't worry, I'm fine.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Okay.
Guest 2:Because you can, yeah, why have that intro?
Guest 2:Why the sad part?
Marc:Right.
Marc:I know what you're saying.
Guest 2:and then okay so then I so because I do talk more about the divorce I say right that's okay afterwards I don't have kids I don't want kids I think kids are dangerous I've lost a lot of friends to kids yeah I'm still thinking about the last joke can I would go back to the last joke like here let me just look at it because I didn't have the paper in front of me show me it says I'm recently divorced but I'm fine I would actually start and say you know people when they say they're fine it's always a lie right dictionary should say fine adverb lie
Guest 2:because you know how you doing fine all that kind of stuff and say you know people ask me i'm recently divorced and people ask me and i always say fine yeah it's it's my lie and then boom so you move that right the second part and then because you're really talking about the word fine so don't trick it to get to the word fine like you know speaking of vegetables you know that kind of stuff it's like no you weren't
Marc:Yeah, right.
Marc:I agree with you.
Marc:And you like the kids joke?
Marc:I've lost a lot of friends to kids?
Marc:Yes, of course.
Marc:It's been a tough couple of years.
Marc:This one's probably a problem.
Marc:I've thought about turning to religion.
Marc:I don't believe in God.
Marc:I have nothing against God.
Marc:I just wasn't brought up with it.
Marc:I don't begrudge you.
Marc:You're gods.
Marc:I don't want to mock the myths that define you.
Guest 2:right see and what's great about that is i have all of that stuff too my religion stuff is really powerful these days yeah about it but i watched and it very interesting thing is i almost did religion in this bit i'm thinking about god yeah i think about you know jesus and uh i watched this six part monty python ifc thing yeah they talked about life of brian yeah one of my favorite movies ever
Guest 2:And they said, you never really make fun of Jesus or God.
Guest 2:And that's what we didn't do.
Guest 2:What we do is we make fun of the people who are affected by Jesus or God.
Guest 2:Jesus actually made the actual speech in life of Brian that he made supposedly in real life.
Guest 2:so I learned a lot about that and I learned it's a very fine line because you talk about religion you can't preach you can't preach anything because everyone has different religions to me it's all myth and all superstition what I've recently realized is that all the religions are based on other people's religions and it's all other people's fears so we can say that but that's preaching
Guest 2:So it's better to just be funnier and not say we know, like there's that line where you say, which is I agree.
Guest 2:I don't want to mock the myths that define any of you.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:Because really what you're doing is you're mocking the myths that define everybody.
Guest 2:But it's everybody.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:So that's good.
Guest 2:But I agree.
Guest 2:I think it's brilliant.
Guest 2:I'm just saying we do that kind of a thing.
Guest 2:No, I wouldn't.
Guest 2:I'm just talking about it as a discussion, not yes or no from the show.
Guest 2:I know that when you do that kind of a thing,
Guest 2:People's minds go in another place and they leave your joke or they'll think, okay, here's a guy.
Guest 2:He's talking about religion.
Guest 2:I'm shutting off because he's pointing at me.
Marc:Or maybe they're going, I never thought about it like that.
Marc:Now I'm lost.
Guest 2:Either way, that's what we want.
Guest 2:But what George Carlin taught me is not ever point at the audience.
Guest 2:and always say you suck we suck you know and and that's you know that's why i think when you say mock them instead of fine you it's not a red flag it just makes me realize although it's really great that's not the main point you you need to make in that joke okay so okay so we're re-evaluating it's not good enough i love it
Marc:I understand.
Marc:I understand exactly what you're saying.
Marc:But how about this one?
Marc:Maybe this is a red flag.
Marc:Those fucking people that fucking piss me off.
Marc:I think I may need a God.
Marc:I'm in my mid-40s.
Marc:I'm getting old.
Marc:I'm angry.
Marc:I could use a God hole to dump my hate in.
Marc:And that is a pickup line, ladies.
Guest 2:Well, it's funny.
Guest 2:It's funny.
Guest 2:But God holy.
Guest 2:That's hilarious.
Guest 2:Okay, so.
Guest 2:But, you know, network television.
Guest 2:Okay.
Marc:I kind of knew I was pushing with that.
Marc:You know, if you make fun of McDonald's.
Guest 2:I'll try to get away with it on television.
Marc:McDonald's or God, they get mad at you.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:We can't fuck with the things that rule everybody.
Marc:Yeah, that run the world.
Marc:Keep people in control.
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:Because I have had a joke once that was about McDonald's.
Guest 2:And it was real and funny and smart.
Guest 2:And I asked the censors.
Guest 2:I said, can I do this joke?
Guest 2:And they go, let me hear the joke.
Guest 2:And they went, are you kidding?
Guest 2:And it was worth it.
Guest 2:And I was in a hotel room like this, doing the joke over the phone.
Guest 2:And they were like, no way.
Marc:no nothing no you try to do all right now what about the thing about I've been dating or sexually acting out depending on which paradigm right that's all that's very Marc Maron yeah and then you got the whole sort of like you know the having sex with someone too quick you know I don't know you right you either it's all great and it's smart all right you know we did dr. Katz together and you had all that religion about the religion stuff in there and it was really smart and it was really great and
Guest 2:So, you know, no matter what sort of path you've taken, you're always very irreverent about things that a lot of people don't want to talk about.
Guest 2:And I think as a comedian, as a booker at Letterman, I like to bring that out.
Guest 2:Like Ted Alexandro, we did some stuff on the show that was irreverent.
Guest 2:It was really smart and it was really great.
Guest 2:you know yeah it's a fine line yeah you know you don't want people leaving the set like i was gonna do a fox news joke right as a silly thing in my set yeah i realized people would leave in their minds in the set if i did that joke and the joke had never really nothing to do with fox news so what i did was i took it out and the joke works really well and i still get my point across right that's the way to go so we got the dating thing the cat thing you can't have any problem with which one was that i don't see i'm not a cat guy
Guest 2:Right, of course.
Marc:And then the, you know, I would hate to have a cat in Iraq.
Marc:Right.
Guest 2:Let me see that.
Guest 2:That's a funny job.
Guest 2:Cats.
Guest 2:No, no, no.
Marc:Where I say, you know, I worry about my cats and I rationalize it.
Marc:Like, I don't want, what if they get eaten by coyotes?
Marc:And then I actually said to myself, Mark, there are parents that have children fighting in Iraq.
Marc:And I thought that'd be horrible to have a cat in Iraq.
Guest 2:that's funny yeah that's funny closer i know all right so so that's important in a set for comedians to know you need a big closer yeah i mean that's the way it is you gotta it's an art piece it's a four and a half minute art piece where you gotta get a tight art piece yeah very tight but not stiff it's got to be in your voice right it's got to be who you are so no no bringing out the phone lose the two god one-liners and maybe throw something else in there we're good
Marc:i think we are oh good you know and you'll show it to me again and we'll look at it you know and yeah and then we'll have it ready just in case we'll have it in we'll have it in the barrel we'll have it loaded in the in the cartridge wow you've learned a lot of western yeah i'm just trying to think of an analogy yes you really are
Marc:So now, do you want me to go over your set?
Marc:Are you okay with it?
Marc:Because I could probably do it.
Guest 2:Yeah, okay.
Guest 2:I have a question for you.
Guest 2:I'm going to combine these two punchlines together.
Guest 2:I'll tell you the joke with the combined punchline, then I'll tell you separately.
Guest 2:You tell me what you like the most.
Guest 2:Okay.
Guest 2:All right.
Guest 2:I always wondered why Adam and Eve had names.
Guest 2:They're the only two people on earth.
Guest 2:They don't need names.
Guest 2:Probably Adam's idea.
Guest 2:It's like, all right, baby, this is how it's going to work.
Guest 2:I'll be Adam and you'll be Eve.
Guest 2:And then she says...
Guest 2:Look, Adam, in quotation points, if I'm not saying something and I hear somebody, it's you.
Guest 2:Don't you like having names?
Guest 2:She says, I think we should see other people.
Guest 2:So that's how I made the joke.
Guest 2:It used to be we would end with the first part, Adam.
Guest 2:If I'm not talking to hear other people, if I don't hear anybody, it's you.
Guest 2:That's how he's to end it.
Guest 2:But Louis C.K.
Guest 2:gave me the line, we should see other people.
Guest 2:So I was going to just say, hey, you want to be Adam?
Guest 2:I'll be Adam, you'll be Eve.
Guest 2:And she's like, Adam, you want me to call you Adam?
Guest 2:And he goes, yeah, Adam.
Guest 2:He goes, well, look, Adam, I think we should see other people.
Guest 2:So I combined the two, and it's working, sort of.
Guest 2:I don't know which way to do it.
Marc:Well, either way, it's not offensive, but it seems like the way originally... The first one was okay.
Marc:No, the one you just did.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:Well, Adam, I think we should see other people.
Guest 2:Yeah, without the, you know, hearing... Like, if I hear somebody, you want to take that out?
Marc:No, I just think that it's a lot cleaner.
Marc:Right.
Guest 2:Like, the second one... But the problem with that is I go, all right, here's a joke.
Guest 2:I always wonder why Adam and Eve have names.
Guest 2:They're the only two people on Earth.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:You know, they don't need names.
Guest 2:Probably Adam's like, all right, baby, this is going to work.
Guest 2:I'll be Adam.
Guest 2:You'll be Eve.
Guest 2:And it's like, look, well, Adam, I think we should see other people.
Guest 2:It doesn't build up where you're.
Marc:Oh, because you already said there's no other people on Earth.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:But it's OK to say it.
Guest 2:But and it sets up the line later.
Guest 2:But I think that there needs another line in there to build up where she's angry at him.
Guest 2:She can't just say, let's see other people because he made up a name.
Guest 2:But if she gets angry and says, look, if I don't hear somebody, if I'm not talking and I hear somebody, it's you.
Guest 2:And he says another line like, don't you think that's kind of cool?
Guest 2:Because I think we should see other people.
Guest 2:I think that's the best way to do it.
Guest 2:I don't know.
Guest 2:I'm working on it now.
Marc:Because my brain immediately goes, well, I guess that's our responsibility.
Marc:And then it seems weird.
Guest 2:You know, what's that?
Marc:To make other people.
Guest 2:Right.
Marc:And then my brain goes to this other place where it's like, are you sure God's not lying to us?
Marc:There's got to be other people.
Marc:This can't be it.
Marc:I mean, there's a couple of ways you can go, but it seems like it's tight.
Guest 2:I have that stuff about that.
Guest 2:But to do the set and to get a laugh in the first 20 seconds, which I want, is where I wanted to go.
Guest 2:Because I have a whole thing about the Bible and about Easter Bunny and chocolate, and there's no chocolate in the Bible.
Guest 2:The only way you have chocolate in the Bible is if you're reading the Bible and you have a mushy Kit Kat bar in your hand and stuff like that.
Guest 2:And it's all into it.
Guest 2:And then I go to Adam and Eve and Lot's wife and all these stories in the Bible that are not.
Guest 2:So then I have Noah.
Guest 2:It's a really long bit, but I've cut it down to this.
Guest 2:There's my Noah bit.
Guest 2:I said, I bet Noah had to make a speech the night before, the night the ark took off.
Guest 2:All right, you animals.
Guest 2:This is my Jack.
Guest 2:Oh, the Jack Burns thing.
Guest 2:Jack Burns bit, but I can't do it with my voice now.
Guest 2:All right, you animals.
Guest 2:I know that you can't understand human communication of any kind, but gather round.
Guest 2:We're the future of the world.
Guest 2:And the number one rule is no eating each other.
Guest 2:Well, except for the chickens, of course, because them chickens is tasty.
Guest 2:He says, I bought a ton of them, so go to town.
Guest 2:But just save two.
Guest 2:Just remember to save two.
Guest 2:That's the Noah bit.
Marc:That's the second one.
Marc:You can even do more like that, right?
Marc:I brought a few extra pigs, too, but they're for my family.
Marc:Just as long as you eat two.
Guest 2:I have one where he goes.
Guest 2:The longer version is...
Guest 2:My name is Noah.
Guest 2:This is my lovely wife, Dolores.
Guest 2:Dolores, the animals.
Guest 2:The animals, Dolores.
Guest 2:And then I say, all right, you velociraptors and you unicorns, cut it out or you're not coming on the trip.
Guest 2:Try me.
Guest 2:And I also have more to it where some animal yells out and he goes, excuse me, excuse me.
Guest 2:And he's like, I know I'm a donkey, but I learned English.
Guest 2:He says, I was top of my class.
Guest 2:He said, who's the jackass now?
Guest 2:And then he has a little bitterness.
Guest 2:And then he asks, Noah, why he's not bringing any people of other colors?
Guest 2:Why are you just bringing you and your wife?
Guest 2:He said, what about all the other ethnicities?
Guest 2:He goes, don't worry, you jackass.
Guest 2:Who do you think is working the boat?
Guest 2:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:But I'm not doing that.
Marc:So let's see if we can wrap it up here.
Marc:I'll try to be candid without being...
Marc:Without putting you in a weird position, but like, have you ever had a set on the show where you're like, Oh my God, what are we going to do?
Marc:No.
Guest 2:Well, never has it been horrible.
Guest 2:The only time I had a weird situation was cause, um, what's his name?
Guest 2:Harlan Williams is one of my favorite comedians.
Marc:I can actually do Harlan Williams.
Marc:Let me hear.
Marc:Well, I know his system of comedy.
Marc:It's just that you get three things, and you direct three tangential things at somebody who's not there with you, and you get Harlan Williams.
Marc:Oh, how we doing, Mr. Muffin Head?
Marc:It looks like the rocket pack's not working today, so I guess we're staying here at McDonald's.
Guest 2:It's pretty good.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:It's pretty good.
Guest 2:Well, we got together.
Guest 2:He was doing the show on November 1st.
Guest 2:I had just been booking the show since March 2001.
Guest 2:So November 2001, you know, he's going to do the show.
Guest 2:And he comes the night before and it's Halloween.
Guest 2:We forgot that it was Halloween.
Guest 2:There's nobody in the club.
Guest 2:So just got to go through sets.
Guest 2:There's three or four people, the audience.
Guest 2:And he does a couple of jokes, and they're really funny, and we put it together, and he kills.
Guest 2:But the jokes were not right for network television, two of them.
Guest 2:And they had to do some editing, and they had to do a little bleeping.
Guest 2:But, you know, it was the only time.
Guest 2:And, you know, Dave called me up to his office and said, you know, you can't do those kind of jokes on TV.
Guest 2:And I go, I had no idea.
Guest 2:I said, I never come.
Guest 2:I thought they were funny.
Guest 2:He goes, they were funny.
Guest 2:They were hilarious.
Guest 2:He had a great set.
Guest 2:He killed.
Guest 2:But we have this network television here, and...
Guest 2:You know, one of the jokes was about having 69.
Guest 2:And I didn't think, because it was a number, I didn't think people would be, you know, people, it's like Bullwinkle.
Guest 2:You watch Bullwinkle and you realize, man, they were filthy.
Guest 2:You know, they were very suggestive.
Marc:I can't even imagine what a joke is.
Guest 2:Hey, you ever been doing 69?
Guest 2:No, it wasn't even like that.
Guest 2:It was more like Snuggle Bear and Pillsbury Doughboy had 69.
Guest 2:It would be the softest place on earth.
Guest 2:And that was very funny and cute and silly and no kid would get it.
Guest 2:But we couldn't do that.
Marc:I've got a rocket in my pants.
Marc:Who wants waffles?
Marc:Jokes always end in waffles for some reason.
Guest 2:He's a syrup waffle guy.
Marc:I think we should talk a little bit about Dave, because I remember the last set I did, and we thought I was going to do panel.
Marc:I didn't, but I ended up sitting next to him longer than usual.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Because that doesn't happen anymore.
Guest 2:We have a different format.
Guest 2:the show no one talks to dave or touches him very everybody talks to dave except comedians right no we comedians go in the middle it's like an actor comedian musician so there's no real panel time unless the show runs really short well i sat down with him and i said you know i think you know because it was after you did it you sat with him he loved the set he thought he asked you he said how's that material work in the
Guest 2:that's right he said it's like you can make that work in clubs I'm like yeah yeah because it was very irreverent and it was more it was probably there's a smaller audience in the world that really goes for that kind of comedy but I remember I said to him I said uh because I really love the guy
Marc:And I get the same feeling you do every day.
Marc:But when he walks up to me after a set, I'm literally like, oh, my God, it's David Letterman.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He's right there.
Marc:It's David Letterman.
Marc:And I never even tried to get on Leno.
Marc:I never did Leno because I'm loyal in this weird way.
Marc:Conan's been good to me, so I do Conan.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:And I do Letterman.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:I don't try to get on Ferguson or anything else because I respect the show.
Marc:You're in a theater.
Marc:He's a class act.
Marc:He's a class act broadcaster.
Marc:It's a respectable thing.
Marc:And I just remember sitting down next to him.
Marc:It was after he had the surgery and everything.
Marc:And I really think, you know, he's gotten a new humility and a new honesty.
Marc:And he's back to himself.
Marc:And I said, I think you're doing a great job.
Marc:And he goes, really?
Guest 2:Because, you know, every, you know, you think you're the only one in your world that's freaking out that, you know.
Guest 2:And one day he told me, he said, you know, I feel like somebody's going to tap me on the shoulder and go, it's just been all a dream.
Guest 2:And it's weird because I told that to Steve Wright and he said, that's how I feel.
Guest 2:And it's funny because Bob Dylan told me that.
Guest 2:So it's like everybody who's in this business can't believe.
Marc:The idea of Bob Dylan and Stephen Wright talking to each other.
Marc:Hey, what?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:It's like...
Marc:Abstract time.
Marc:I really would love to see that.
Guest 2:Salvatore Dali interviewing the both of them.
Marc:What's some other things that you remember people telling you?
Marc:People that you were surprised.
Marc:Heroes.
Guest 2:Well, you know, I learned so much from Carlin, mostly about just being honest.
Guest 2:You know, Bill Hicks taught me a lot of things.
Guest 2:Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks.
Guest 2:Bill Hicks and I were very close and we worked in Europe together a lot.
Guest 2:He was very good to me.
Guest 2:And he said, Eddie, when we hang out together, we have such smart, great conversation.
Guest 2:Then you go on stage and do your little dance.
Guest 2:The phone book.
Guest 2:What's with the phone book?
Guest 2:Why are you angry with the phone book?
Guest 2:He said, you know, but weirdly enough, people request that joke.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:It's weird.
Guest 2:You know, because I was George Carlin in the silly days of, you know, I'm aware of some stare at my hair.
Guest 2:I was that guy.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:It's not that I don't do that kind of silly stuff.
Guest 2:But, you know, now I talk about real things.
Guest 2:So Hicks really got me to stop, you know, just talk about real things that matter to me.
Guest 2:And then Carlin drove that point home.
Guest 2:And Kinison really dug what I was doing because of the influence Hicks had on me.
Guest 2:And as you know, you know, Kinison brought me into his group and he got me work for years.
Guest 2:And just, I moved back to New York to get out of the sort of drug grip that L.A.
Guest 2:was in the late 80s.
Guest 2:Yeah, I remember that, sure.
Guest 2:And I cleaned up and I was really happy that I did work.
Guest 2:um and but kinnison would get me work all the time i did this gig and somebody paid me in cash and i go by the way how did i get this gig is a kinnison call us and told us he never you know he was that kind of a guy that's funny i was 21 years old and when i crossed the line with kinnison he called people told him not to work right bastard johnny zap was bringing that up to me every time i see johnny zap every time i go yeah yeah he's like yeah kinnison blackballed you
Marc:And I'm like, wow, that's hard to do.
Marc:How do you piss that guy off so much?
Guest 2:You know what I'll never forget where I had respect for you is we had worked together at the old stitches and not the old stitches, the newer stitches.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:And Airborne Eddie was on the show and he was a guy who ran a great club but would take material from all the comics.
Guest 2:In Syracuse or something.
Guest 2:In Buffalo.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:The comedy trap, the hurdle.
Guest 2:And I mean, he was a nice enough guy, but he was a thief.
Guest 2:So we all knew that.
Guest 2:And you brought him up.
Guest 2:You were hosting the show at Stitches and said, do you like this comedian?
Guest 2:Do you like this comedian?
Guest 2:Well, you're going to love this next guy because he does all their jokes.
Guest 2:And it was like, well, I love this Marc Maron guy.
Marc:Well, thank you, Eddie Brill, for doing this.
Marc:It was a great conversation.
Marc:It was.
Marc:I'll talk to you soon.
Marc:All right, bye.
Guest 2:I'm on the other line.
Guest 2:I'll be right back.
Marc:Okay, Florida, still in Florida, out in the car, in the carport, waiting for my mother's boyfriend John to come out and ask him if I need anything, if I want a soda or something.
Marc:Quick recap of dinner, dinner with my mother and her boyfriend John.
Marc:We're going to go to that place we go.
Marc:We go all the time we go there.
Marc:They're going to take care of us.
Marc:We called ahead.
Marc:Robbie's going to get us our table in the corner.
Marc:Told him he'd be there in 50 minutes.
Marc:I'm like, all right, are we leaving?
Marc:And John goes, wait, let me get a tie.
Marc:I want to give so-and-so a tie at the restaurant.
Marc:He goes, they're all wearing my ties.
Marc:I bring them all ties.
Marc:Every one of them is wearing one of my ties.
Marc:I don't even understand what that's about.
Marc:But apparently they're all wearing his ties.
Marc:We get to the restaurant, and we sit at their table, and they hug people that work there.
Marc:Everyone's happy.
Marc:Everyone's, oh, there he is.
Marc:I mean, that's what it's all about here in Florida is establishing a relationship with the food proprietors because it makes you feel at home, and then you can be as annoying as you fucking want to.
Marc:And because you're a regular and you tip well and you know them and they like your business, they put up with it.
Marc:This is what's happening.
Marc:So we sit at the table and my mother's there and John has gone to, I don't know, schmooze the bartender, maybe check in the kitchen.
Marc:It's unclear to me.
Marc:And the waiter comes over and my mother's like, who are you?
Marc:And the guy goes, hi, my name's Mark.
Marc:And she's like, are you new here?
Marc:He's like, yeah, I've been here a week.
Marc:Oh, where's Howie?
Marc:Howie's got a party in the back of 22 people.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Howie's in the back?
Marc:Oh, we usually have Howie.
Marc:Well, I can get you what you need.
Marc:What do you need to drink?
Marc:So here's where it starts.
Marc:My mother's like, okay.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I want a glass of blah, blah, blah, white wine, but I don't want it in a little glass.
Marc:I want it in the big glass.
Marc:And the guy's like, like a highball glass?
Marc:No, no, you know, the big, the wine glass, the big wine glass.
Marc:Oh, okay, yeah.
Marc:She goes, that's what I want.
Marc:I want a side of seltzer with ice.
Marc:And he wants, John, he wants, he likes a cranberry mixed with orange juice mixed with soda water.
Marc:Already, if I'm the waiter, I want to kill myself.
Marc:And so this guy goes away, and I say, I want a nice tea.
Marc:He goes, okay, no problem.
Marc:And then the maitre d comes over and says, don't worry, Howie's going to take care of you.
Marc:So now the new guy's dejected.
Marc:He's giving us long, sad stares.
Marc:Howie comes over.
Marc:Howie's like, hey, there he is.
Marc:How you doing?
Marc:Oh, that's it.
Marc:Oh, everybody's good.
Marc:How you doing?
Marc:Everybody.
Marc:You know, everybody knows everybody.
Marc:So then Howie's like, you know, they bring the bread out and it's a regular basket of bread.
Marc:And my mother goes, where's Howie?
Marc:You know what we like.
Marc:And then Howie goes, they like the heels.
Marc:They like the ends, the heels.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I am in irritating Jewish vortex is what I'm in.
Marc:And, and then like, you know, it goes on the special ordering.
Marc:My mother's, I just want to sell, you know, I like it.
Marc:I brought my own dressing.
Marc:Oh my God.
Marc:Oh my God.
Marc:I had fish and it was just okay.
Marc:But I was afraid to say that because John was like, how is it?
Marc:How is he happy?
Marc:Everything good.
Marc:It's great.
Marc:Right.
Marc:How was that fish?
Marc:I get the shrimp usually, but I didn't get the shrimp this time.
Marc:I got the chicken.
Marc:The shrimp of the chicken is really the best veal.
Marc:Not so much.
Marc:The fish is usually excellent.
Marc:And I was literally afraid to say my fish was just okay.
Marc:I was afraid for all of us.
Marc:Oh, I got out of there without eating dessert, though.
Marc:That's something.
Marc:That's something.
Marc:My mother did say I looked perfect.
Marc:That should last a couple days.
Marc:I'm sitting with my mother and there's a couple of things going on right here.
Marc:First of all, I'm nervous about this interview because all I'm thinking is something I've thought for most of my life.
Marc:Number one, is my mother going to embarrass me by something she says on the microphone, which is something I've lived with a long time?
Marc:And number two, is this machine going to work?
Marc:Because I just forgot to record.
Marc:Now, the main reason I'm doing this is because my father has been on the show many times, because he's a character, and he's a doctor, and now we've developed a health and wellness segment around him.
Marc:And I will get you, some of you are requesting his vitamin regimen, and I will try to get that to you.
Marc:But it dawned on me...
Marc:Those are my mother's dogs, Giggles and Pumpkin.
Guest 1:Benji and Pumpkin.
Marc:I'm sorry, Giggles is dead.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:I apologize about that.
Marc:And you had Giggles put to sleep?
Guest 1:17 years.
Marc:That dog was alive?
Marc:I remember a little story before I introduced my mother.
Marc:One time I remember coming home.
Marc:from college and you know i was you know feeling my oats and rebellious and i said look you know i'm a grown man i'm not going to run errands every day so don't leave me notes on the count on the counter to do silly errands and and you said okay i won't do that and the next morning i wake up and there's just a note that says please one erin have raglan put to sleep
Marc:that was our dog that was the one errand i didn't do that he was old and very arthritic i was not being heartless no i know but how is that how was that my job i mean you know it wasn't you're the killer horrible you're the killer of dogs i'm not a kid you know that's not true no i mean euthanizing them it's all done with with great you know you gotta be there you gotta hold them
Marc:okay well okay so that's not a good start to the diet segment but that was my fault so my mother's in great shape and i thought it would be only right to do a diet segment and and to you know to help people with her regimen now i know it's after thanksgiving and i do all the cooking and my mother really has never had butter in her house except once a year and now there's gravy and butter and did you know there's sour cream in there you like sour cream right
Guest 1:No, John likes sour cream.
Marc:So you'll keep the sour cream.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:So what happens to the rest of it?
Guest 1:The rest of it goes in the disposal as soon as Mark goes on the plane.
Marc:As soon as I go on the plane.
Marc:So the disposal is a...
Marc:You just use it to balance things out.
Marc:I remember that all my life.
Marc:If there's anything good in the refrigerator within hours, it goes down the disposal.
Guest 1:You want it now or forget it?
Marc:Right.
Marc:So the disposal is really a calorie management system, right?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And that's something a lot of people don't see their garbage disposal of, is part of your diet.
Marc:This is a way to actually manage your calories.
Guest 1:I'm going to write a book.
Marc:You should write a book.
Marc:The most important part of your diet is your garbage disposal because you can't trust yourself not to buy things.
Guest 1:That's true.
Marc:Like you eat ice cream, right?
Guest 1:No.
Guest 1:I eat.
Guest 1:I eat.
Guest 1:Diet Jell-O with Diet Ready Whip that takes place, that takes over all the ice cream.
Marc:Okay, well, that's dessert.
Marc:So let's start with the main meal.
Marc:Let's start with the first meal of the day.
Marc:Breakfast, we do what?
Guest 1:We have a protein drink and a Smart for Life cookie and some cereal without milk.
Marc:What kind of cereal?
Guest 1:It's Kashi cereal, dried oats with 70 calories a cup.
Marc:Oh, the puff cereal.
Marc:The puff.
Marc:See, I've done that.
Marc:See, not even asking you any advice.
Marc:In my harder times, I have many times done puffins, which I think have a little more calories than that.
Marc:Have you looked at puffins?
Guest 1:Yeah, but they're sweet.
Marc:You don't like sweet.
Guest 1:I don't like sweet.
Marc:All right, so there's your breakfast, folks.
Marc:You have a smart diet cookie, a protein drink in a can, and dried, tasteless, unsweetened cereal.
Marc:No milk.
Guest 1:My diet is not quite like Dr. Marin's.
Guest 1:It's not on the healthiest track, but it works for me.
Marc:I don't think there's any disclaimers that are necessary here.
Marc:I think a lot of people are going to take to this.
Marc:I think we're on to something.
Marc:So then you exercise how much?
Guest 1:I exercise usually two hours a day.
Marc:Before I had the mic on, you said three hours a day.
Guest 1:But it's usually two, two and a half.
Guest 1:I don't want to lie.
Marc:So shoot for three.
Guest 1:Oh, wait, three.
Marc:So my mother recommends three hours of exercise a day.
Marc:Is that before or after the cereal with no milk and the diet cooking?
Marc:That's after.
Marc:So not only do you burn that off, but you've bought yourself some space for the rest of the day.
Guest 1:I don't really look at it that way.
Guest 1:How do you look at it?
Guest 1:The exercise is more for keeping my body...
Marc:limber and it's great for your head all right so now you have to understand my mother has been what 119 pounds your whole life what no oh my lord 115 the most i'm sorry not my whole life i'm sorry yeah so why are you so uh because i was a fat child like really fat really fat you know what everyone called me tubby tubby instead of toby that's clever sometimes meanies are clever aren't they
Guest 1:Yeah, but I went with my mother when I was in sixth grade to try and change my name to Terry.
Marc:Oh, and then you think you'd protect yourself?
Guest 1:Yeah, but we never went through it.
Marc:But your last name was Blum, so I imagine they'd think Blimp.
Guest 1:Maybe.
Marc:See, I'm on top of it.
Guest 1:I know.
Guest 1:You were probably a bully.
Marc:What do you mean probably?
Marc:You knew me.
Marc:Was I a bully?
Guest 1:No.
Marc:Okay, good.
Marc:Not then.
Marc:I think it came later.
Guest 1:Maybe.
Marc:I'm not that much of a bully.
Marc:So, all right, so can I see some pictures of the fat Toby?
Guest 1:Later.
Later.
Marc:Do you have any, seriously?
Guest 1:I don't know.
Marc:What happened to those pictures?
Guest 1:They went down the garbage disposal.
Guest 1:I don't know.
Guest 1:They might be at Craig's house.
Marc:No, I have a very distinct recollection that you destroyed all the pictures of you as a fat person.
Guest 1:I used to have one on the refrigerator in Albuquerque.
Marc:As a reminder?
Guest 1:Yes.
Marc:All right, there's diet tip number three.
Marc:Put a picture of your fat self on the refrigerator, the one that you hate the most, and destroy the rest.
Marc:Right?
Marc:That's not a bad tip.
Marc:All right, so now it's lunchtime.
Marc:You've given your dogs a much better meal than you've had.
Marc:These dogs yesterday had grits and turkey.
Guest 1:For breakfast.
Marc:And what do they usually eat?
Guest 1:Rice and chicken.
Marc:Rice and chicken?
Guest 1:For breakfast.
Marc:What were you doing with that?
Marc:I saw you... Were you eating boiled Brussels sprouts this morning?
Guest 1:No, that was the dogs were having the few Brussels sprouts that were left.
Marc:So you give your dogs vegetables too?
Guest 1:Yes.
Guest 1:Spring beans are their favorite.
Marc:Spring beans.
Marc:So they have a very balanced meal.
Guest 1:They do.
Marc:So what do you eat for lunch while you're giving your dogs chicken and rice?
Guest 1:I eat a protein bar.
Marc:Another protein bar.
Guest 1:And then I do...
Guest 1:Four egg whites in the microwave.
Marc:Tasty.
Guest 1:And the dogs and I share them.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So the same kind of protein bar you had for breakfast?
Guest 1:No, that was a drink.
Marc:Oh, so you had a drink and a cookie for breakfast.
Guest 1:And then I have a protein bar and egg whites.
Marc:And egg whites.
Marc:What do you do to the egg whites?
Marc:Anything?
Marc:Put salt, pepper?
Guest 1:No, no, no, no, no.
Marc:All right, so let's see what we've got so far, and then we'll move further into it.
Guest 1:Oh, okay.
Marc:You wake up, and you're excited for a new day.
Marc:You have a canned protein drink, a diet cookie, and dried tasteless cereal.
Marc:Then you exercise for three hours.
Marc:Then you come home and feed your dogs chicken and rice, and you eat a...
Marc:a protein bar, and microwaved egg whites with nothing in them.
Marc:What kind of exercise?
Guest 1:I do Pilates.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's an hour.
Guest 1:Aerobic Pilates.
Marc:So that's one hour.
Guest 1:With everybody in my classes under 40.
Marc:Oh, so it's important to take classes with people younger than you.
Guest 1:Yes.
Guest 1:And then I do this class called The Ultimate.
Marc:So that's right after Pilates?
Guest 1:Mm-hmm.
Marc:All right, so that's two hours.
Marc:What about the third hour?
Guest 1:The third hour, I walk.
Marc:You walk.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:So I guess it's pretty important to be either retired or not heavily employed if you want to do this diet.
Guest 1:I'm not retired.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:You have to be on your own schedule.
Guest 1:I am forced into retirement with the real estate market.
Marc:You're a real estate broker.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I think you got too much heart to be a salesperson.
Guest 1:Much too much.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So now, okay, you fed your dogs, you ate your egg whites.
Marc:And now dinner time.
Marc:What happens at dinner?
Guest 1:Dinner, I make a lovely salad with eggs and beans and all kinds of lettuce and sprouts.
Marc:No meat?
No.
Marc:What kind of dressing?
Guest 1:Balsamic vinegar and Dijon mustard.
Marc:So it's your personal recipe?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Which you bring to restaurants?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay, so now we know what dinner is.
Marc:So now we've got the full day's meals.
Guest 1:And I eat pretzels in between.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:So that's your snack, pretzels.
Guest 1:That's my snack.
Marc:How do people eat out?
Marc:That's the other question.
Marc:I've been out to dinner with you many times and been embarrassed on many occasions until I got over it.
Marc:But it's awkward to go to a nice Italian restaurant and everyone orders a nice meal and you go, can I just have vegetables grilled with nothing on them?
Marc:Is that what you do everywhere?
Guest 1:They don't usually do that very well.
Guest 1:So now I'm just doing chopped salads everywhere.
Guest 1:Chopped salads everywhere and you bring your... They usually have balsamic vinegar, but sometimes I have to bring my own mustard.
Marc:So you always have mustard in your purse.
Guest 1:Many times.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's a diet tip.
Marc:Always carry mustard in your purse.
Guest 1:But I do eat bread at restaurants.
Marc:So that's the only time you eat bread.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, now comes the big payoff in the sense that you've saved up all this room and you've burned off all these calories.
Marc:So now I imagine that dessert is a binge time, right?
Marc:Binge time.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So what does that look like?
Guest 1:That looks like the same breakfast cereal without milk.
Marc:So kashi puffed grain.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:No sugar.
Guest 1:About a half a cup.
Marc:Dry.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Right.
Guest 1:With four diet jellos on top.
Marc:Four diet jello cups on top of the cereal.
Guest 1:On top of which I put one of those 60 calorie diet puddings.
Guest 1:And then a whole can of fat free ready lip.
Guest 4:A whole can?
Guest 1:A whole can.
Yeah.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:Is that why there's 50 of them in the refrigerator?
Guest 1:Yeah, I can't always find them, so when I find them, I buy them by the dozen.
Marc:You used to stockpile tofuti, too, I think, when I was younger.
Marc:Tofuti.
Marc:Something.
Marc:Remember some nonfat yogurt dessert you used to get at one place?
Guest 1:Oh, yeah, that was, yeah.
Marc:What was that called?
Marc:I don't remember.
Marc:But now it's nonfat ready.
Guest 1:Now it's this.
Guest 1:Look.
Marc:What?
Guest 1:I am 68 years old.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:I'm in decent shape.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 1:I'm never sick.
Marc:Right.
Guest 1:And I don't take supplements.
Marc:Okay, so there you have it.
Marc:I mean, I think we learned a lot today.
Guest 1:The worst thing about my eating disorder is that I screwed up my kids.
Marc:Why do I look fat?
Guest 1:You never look, no, you look too skinny this time.
Marc:See, now you're just trying to make up for it.
Guest 1:I can't even believe it.
Guest 1:My sister said, oh my Lord, what happened to Mark?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Is this the only family I've ever known where people are like, is he sick?
Marc:Does he have AIDS?
Marc:No, he looks great.
Marc:So you're trying to make up for that, that you wired my, my brother pinches himself on the sides of his body when he feels fat until he's black and blue.
Marc:How does that make you feel?
Marc:On some level, aren't you proud that, you know, we don't get fat?
Marc:I see.
Marc:Now you're thinking, well, Craig got fat a little, right?
Guest 1:How did you know that?
Guest 1:He's working on it, though.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I think he once said to me, he once said, Mark, I just don't know.
Marc:I think if you were fat, I just don't know if I could love you.
Marc:I think he said that.
Guest 1:Who said Craig or Mark?
Guest 1:No, you said that.
Guest 1:Oh, me?
Guest 1:No, I did not ever say that, Mark.
Marc:Oh, I must have made it up.
Guest 1:Even when you were chunky as a kid, I loved you.
Guest 1:Chunky.
Marc:That's a nice voice.
Marc:But you were very concerned because I remember a lot of kids were reading books and I was reading the calorie counting dictionary.
Guest 1:I was trying to protect you from a life of being called names.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, look, here's what I'm going to tell you.
Marc:Let's do a recap.
Marc:So you get up morning time.
Marc:You got your protein bar, your diet cookie, and your dried kashi puffed grain cereal with no sugar.
Marc:Yummy.
Marc:And then at lunchtime, if you have dogs, make sure you feed them something very tasty like chicken and rice and Brussels sprouts.
Marc:And then you eat a protein bar and microwave egg whites with nothing on them.
Marc:Plain.
Marc:If you feel like snacking, have a pretzel, but don't overdo it.
Guest 1:And if you buy the hundred
Marc:calorie packages 100 calorie packages of pretzels if you find yourself with too much food or you you you get weak in the supermarket buy something you know you should have take a couple bites right down the garbage disposal that's how that works and then dinner uh wait for it it's it's it's going to be good a big salad with sprouts beans no meat and then a lovely dressing of dijon mustard and balsamic vinaigrette and hard
Marc:Hard-boiled egg whites.
Marc:So you mix it up with the egg whites.
Marc:Hard-boil some, microwave other ones.
Marc:If you go out to eat, chop salad and bring your own mustard.
Marc:And then dessert, the big payoff for the day is a half a cup of dry, kashi, puffed grain cereal, four nonfat jello cups, topped with one 60-calorie vanilla pudding cup, and then an entire can of... Ready-lip.
Marc:Of Ready Whip, non-fat, fat-fever Ready Whip.
Marc:And don't forget to exercise three hours a day.
Marc:All right, so I think this was good.
Marc:But this doesn't change much, so I don't know how we're going to keep doing it as a segment.
Marc:You have to come up with other tips.
Marc:You think you can?
Marc:Not now.
Marc:I mean in the future.
Guest 1:The next time.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So you think I look thin then?
Marc:Is that what you're saying?
Guest 1:I think, Mark, you look terrific.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You heard it here.
Marc:You heard it here now.
Guest 1:He's a very, very handsome person.
Guest 1:Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, then I'll leave it at that.
Marc:And I'll play this back whenever I doubt it.
Marc:And I'll try to believe it.
Marc:Thanks, Mom.
Marc:Say thank you.
Guest 1:Thank you.
Marc:All right.
Thank you.
Marc:All right, so I'm in the car, and I figured it's a fine time to read a light-hearted email from one of you guys.
Marc:I am going to do an email show.
Marc:I know a lot of you sent emails.
Marc:We're going to do another one of those.
Marc:Those were fun, but I just printed one out to address to kind of get my mind off his stuff now, and while Enrique, or Rodrigo, Roberto, or I'm not sure his name.
Marc:I'm not trying to be derogatory or weird, but he's gone to Home Depot, and he speaks no English, so...
Marc:John is yelling at him.
Marc:Not yelling at him in a bad way, but trying to communicate with now being able to speak Spanish.
Marc:Alright, so here we go.
Marc:This is from Jesse.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What the fuck are some people doing at the urinal?
Marc:I work in a corporate audio-visual office, so I am at a lot of nice hotels, resorts in the Orlando area.
Marc:Occasionally, while dropping the deuce in a public bathroom, someone walks in, mostly your corporate stereotypes, and they're standing at the urinal just making fucking noises.
Marc:I've heard random grunts.
Marc:I've heard some motivational talking to the penis.
Marc:Quote, come on, here we go.
Marc:Come on, here we go.
Marc:Unquote.
Marc:Some people sound like they were having a fucking orgasm.
Marc:Don't hold your piss in so fucking long, in parentheses.
Marc:Today I heard a guy say, quote, oh, fuck yeah.
Marc:Unquote.
Marc:Really?
Marc:You're peeing.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:You also got your farters that just rip big farts while pissing away.
Marc:Anyway, just an observation.
Marc:Love the podcast, Jesse.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I have some issues, uh, with this letter, uh, because that's, I think you're breaking the brotherhood a little bit.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's a sacred space.
Marc:It's a sacred space.
Marc:You know, we're allowed to talk to our penises.
Marc:We're allowed to, to experience feelings of excitement.
Marc:Uh, farting is, uh, completely, uh, within the boundaries of what happens in there.
Marc:Talking relief.
Marc:Uh, it's a, it's a sacred, it's a, it's a sanctuary.
Marc:Uh,
Marc:And and I think that, you know, I understand what you're saying, but I've I've actually been one of these people at the urinals in almost every one of your examples.
Marc:And, you know, pissing is good.
Marc:It's it's a tremendous relief and it's a good time.
Marc:Sometimes I'll hold my pee just so I can feel how the relief.
Marc:I mean, sometimes that's how how bored.
Marc:I get like, you know, I got to pee, but I'm going to wait because then it's going to feel great.
Marc:And I don't have to talk to my penis to pee.
Marc:I think that might be an older gentleman with the prostate issue.
Marc:I've seen that happen.
Marc:And I generally feel empathy more than what the fuck.
Marc:That's got to be the worst thing.
Marc:Like, you know, if you lose your taste or you can't pee, we have trouble shitting.
Marc:I mean, you know, that's, you know, then all systems are going down.
Marc:I mean, what else do you have?
Marc:I mean, the basic level, if everything else goes, at least you have a good pee or a good shit or something nice to put in your mouth and make you feel better.
Marc:But those start going.
Marc:I don't know what the hell to tell you.
Marc:And my question to you is why?
Marc:Why are you spending so much time in the stall?
Marc:What's going on in there?
Marc:I know you spend a lot of times at hotels.
Marc:It seems that you're a lot of hotels and you're in there taking notes about people peeing when perhaps they're saying, what's that guy doing in there?
Marc:I mean, what the fuck is that guy doing in there listening to us pee?
Marc:These are questions you might want to ask yourself.
Marc:I know you said you love the podcast.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Marc:And I appreciate your letter.
Marc:But I just want to say that, you know, this is the that's a sacred space.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I have been, you know, in bathrooms.
Marc:And before show, knowing that, you know, maybe there's a guy at the urinal next to me who's going to be in the audience.
Marc:And, you know, if you got to fart, you got to fart and you do it.
Marc:And I trust that guy.
Marc:I mean, I trust that guy with my fart.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's a that's a brotherhood.
Marc:I could be on stage, and if I'm not doing well, he doesn't like me.
Marc:He could say, hey, you're the guy who just farted in the bathroom, which would be very embarrassing.
Marc:But you know what?
Marc:That's never happened.
Marc:You know why?
Marc:Because that's a sacred space.
Marc:Okay, What the Fuckers, that's our show.
Marc:I hope you liked it.
Marc:It was wonderful hanging out with Eddie Burrell.
Marc:It was mostly wonderful hanging out with my mother.
Marc:Please go to punchlinemagazine.com if you want to get up to speed on anything related to comedy.
Marc:It's a great website.
Marc:Or you can also please go to wtfpod.com, get some merch, donate some money, subscribe, get yourself a t-shirt, go to justcoffee.coop, put WTF in the coupon box, get yourself some What the Fuck blend, sign up on the mailing list,
Marc:And if you could, go to audiblepodcast.com slash WTFPod.
Marc:Download yourself a free audio book, if that's what they're calling them now.
Marc:It's been a pleasure talking to you, and I'll talk to you next time.