Episode 279 - Live From SF Sketchfest
Guest:Are you guys ready to get this show started or what?
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Guest:Oh, what the fuck?
Guest:I'm a joobie.
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Look at you fucking people.
Marc:Thank you for coming down.
Marc:And thank you for not bringing me a bunch of fucking cookies.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Look at some guy named Dave actually came up to me and said, I think you're gonna be okay with these.
Marc:These are homemade pickled beets.
Marc:And some pickled okra.
Marc:Yeah, there's no sadness in eating this alone in a hotel room.
Marc:This is much better than cookies.
Marc:What are you doing, Mark said to himself, alone in his hotel room.
Marc:I'm eating okra.
Marc:Maybe I'll have a beat much better.
Marc:The healthy sadness.
Marc:It's a thrill to be in San Francisco.
Marc:We've got a great show.
Marc:I'm trying to... Yeah, no, I like it here.
Marc:It's taken me a long time to understand what the fuck is happening here.
Marc:I'm still not clear at what it is, but me and my friend Jack were talking today.
Marc:I decided that San Francisco is filled with empowered, dirty people.
Marc:Like, there's definitely a gritty, dirty, raw fucking thing here, but it's sort of like, proud.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:I'm fat, and I'm gonna jiggle it.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:I'm just wearing a harness.
Marc:I, um...
Marc:I gotta be candid with you.
Marc:I don't know if this will make the podcast, but this fucked up thing happened.
Marc:Yeah, you on board with this?
Marc:I got into a small Twitter battle with some guy.
Marc:I didn't, you know, I was, well, no, it was okay.
Marc:It wasn't the Iron Sheik.
Marc:That went well.
Marc:But just some dude, like, I was feeling, like, sensitive and raw, and that's not a good time to tweet, because it's hard to tell the tone of tweets sometimes.
Marc:And this guy basically told me to shut up, so I, of course, said, leave your blocked cunt.
Marc:That's all I said.
Marc:And cunt, once said to a man, has a different resonance, and, you know, it's horrendous, right?
Okay.
Marc:So I didn't think anything of it other than I just called the guy cunt, and he clearly got upset, and I blocked him, but I went and looked at his tweets to see how upset he was.
Marc:And, uh... He was a little... He was upset, you know?
Marc:But he had insinuated that I shouldn't complain about Virgin America publicly.
Marc:I should just man up and deal with it.
Marc:And I thought I was being entertaining in my complaining.
Marc:And quite frankly, you know, I was able to ride in the cockpit today.
Marc:So... No, not really.
Marc:They didn't even acknowledge it.
Marc:But nonetheless...
Marc:Nonetheless, here's what's established.
Marc:A guy insulted my manhood in my stupid little brain by telling me to, like, you know, be a man, he said.
Marc:Quit whining.
Marc:And I'm like, do you know me?
Marc:And, um... So I called him a cunt on Twitter.
Marc:Because I knew that would be much more emasculating.
Marc:I had a plan.
Marc:So anyway, so I'm sitting there after this happened.
Marc:I looked at his avatar.
Marc:I tried to assess the stability of this individual...
Marc:And I kind of let it go.
Marc:And I'm watching TV with Jessica.
Marc:And the phone rings.
Marc:My home phone, which never fucking rings.
Marc:And I pick it up.
Marc:I go, hello?
Marc:And I hear someone go, Mark?
Marc:And I go, yeah?
Marc:Click.
Marc:And I'm like, fuck.
Marc:And I knew in my heart that, like, this is that dude.
Marc:That was that dude.
Marc:I just knew it instinctively.
Marc:And then about a half hour goes by, and the phone rings again, and I know something's going to go down.
Marc:So I pick up the phone, and I don't say anything.
Marc:I do that with the, you know, because you never know what kind of call it is.
Marc:Because if you hear it click in, you know, it's one of those fucking annoying people, you know.
Marc:So I just wait, nothing, and I hear Mark, and I go, yeah, what?
Marc:What is it?
Marc:What do you need?
Marc:He goes, who the fuck are you to call someone a cunt on Twitter?
Marc:Now...
Marc:Don't know how he got my number.
Marc:It's not the issue.
Marc:The sad thing is, is that should have been the fucking issue, but I immediately launched into, who the fuck are you to insult my fucking manhood?
Marc:Like, you know, you're taking a higher ground?
Marc:And he goes, no, I think you're spinning the situation.
Marc:I'm like, fuck you.
Marc:Read your tweet.
Marc:You deserve to be called a cunt.
Marc:You did the same thing to me.
Marc:Not even, you know, I didn't even acknowledge that this creepy guy called me up at my house.
Marc:I just launched right into it.
Marc:He's like, but I've been a fan since store and attention span theater.
Marc:I'm like, all right then, let's hash this out.
Marc:Like, I'm sitting there, Jessica's sitting there going, who is that?
Marc:I'm going, crazy fan from Twitter.
Marc:She's like... And I'm like, I'm not hanging up.
Marc:We're gonna deal with this like the person with no boundaries that I am.
Marc:But I said, what's your deal?
Marc:He's like, well, I think I was trying to make a joke.
Marc:I didn't read it as a joke, and you know that I'm a little volatile sometimes, so you had that coming.
Marc:He's like, it fucked me up for an hour.
Marc:And I'm like, you're fucking up my entire month by calling me at home.
Marc:I said, oh, I understand what you're saying.
Marc:He's like, it's hurtful.
Marc:I'm like, okay, I get it, man.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:We're good.
Marc:Are we good?
Marc:He's like, I can't believe you're not pissed off at me for calling you.
Marc:And knowing in my mind that if I would have said, fuck, where the fuck did you get my number?
Marc:Don't fucking call me.
Marc:And hung up the phone that he would call me for the rest of my life.
Marc:So I said, let's deal with this like men who both emasculated each other.
Marc:And so it got to the point where I'm like, all right, so I'm sorry I reacted to your joke like that.
Marc:And he's like, okay, man, it's just like I'm a real fan.
Marc:And I'm like, okay, are we good?
Marc:He's like, well, I'd like to give you some suggestions about guests.
Marc:And I'm like, all right, I'll hear you out.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What am I gonna do?
Marc:So I listened to his suggestions about maybe not straying off and having non-comic guests.
Marc:He actually said, look, I think that when you have a non-comic guest, you're denying a comic a place on your show.
Marc:And I'm like, okay, I hear your suggestion, and I'm glad we're okay, but I need to go.
Marc:And he's like, all right, man, well, I'm glad we talked.
Marc:I'm like, and I still didn't say, like, could this be the only time we talk on the phone?
Marc:How far is this relationship gonna go?
Marc:And then, like, I was very careful on Twitter.
Guest:I'm like, hey, buddy, we cool?
Marc:You know, and, um... But I think we're cool until he hears this podcast and he calls me.
Marc:Hey, dude, man, that was great.
Marc:You talked about me.
Marc:So when we hanging out?
Marc:But I've always had that theory about stalkers, and maybe you've heard me say it before.
Marc:I don't think he's a stalker, but if in your life you have a stalker, all you gotta do is have lunch with them, and you'll disappoint them.
Marc:Because they've built a relationship with you based on what they think you are, and there's no way you can't disappoint them.
Marc:And there's nothing better than seeing a stalker just sort of lose their wind.
Marc:Wow, I really thought you were different.
Marc:I know, it's fucked up, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I'm too available.
Marc:I'm too accessible.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:I just, like, is that bad?
Marc:How can you have boundaries in the culture we live in?
Marc:Between Twitter, Facebook, apparently my phone.
Marc:Uh...
Marc:I knew a woman named Dragon, and this was a very powerful moment in my life, and I just want to share it because it happened at the Horseshoe.
Marc:I was hanging out with Dragon and some dude, and was just having coffee at the Horseshoe, and there used to be this huge guy.
Marc:I don't know how long you've lived here, but he was fairly prominent in the area back in the day.
Marc:It must have been, what, 92, 93.
Marc:He was this large, weird dude that was sort of a hipster, but also sort of like Asperger-y, what's up with that guy?
Marc:You know, you kind of kept your distance.
Marc:But, you know, he was on the scene, but, you know, he was not, like, in the scene.
Marc:He was like a mascot.
Marc:Anyways, you know what I'm talking about.
Marc:That guy.
Marc:But I always, for some reason, wanted to know him because, you know, my father was manic-depressive, so I am emotionally wired to engage with lunatics.
Marc:If there's a lunatic walking down the street, I'll meet eyes with him, and he'll be like, hey, I know you.
Marc:And I'll be like, I know you too, Dad.
Marc:And...
Marc:and then he'll use me as a battery for as long as it takes for me to detach myself from the situation.
Marc:And so I was sitting there, and this dude was walking around, and for some reason, he was holding an ace of spades.
Marc:I don't know why.
Marc:He wasn't a magician.
Marc:It was just what he was doing that day.
Marc:He was carrying around an ace of spades, and he was kind of walking around, and he stopped at our table with his ace of spades, and I looked at him,
Marc:And I said, hey, Ace of Spades, death card.
Marc:And he just looks at me, and he has this ring with a spike on it, and he holds it right next to my eye, and he goes, I could fucking kill you.
Marc:I could fucking kill you.
Marc:And I didn't say anything.
Marc:I waited to see what would happen.
Marc:And he just, like, decided not to kill me with his ring and sort of walked away.
Marc:And that was the moment where Dragon said, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Marc:Not everyone is your dad.
Marc:I'll never forget that.
Marc:Thank you, Dragon.
Marc:Let's read some emails and we'll get the show started.
Marc:The Magner Show.
Marc:Maren, I just finished that Magner Show podcast he did in Boston.
Marc:And let me tell you something.
Marc:You and your buddies had me fucked up.
Marc:The problem is I'm sitting in a beige cubicle in a beige room wedged among a bunch of fat, slowly dying, humorless bankers under buzzing fluorescent lights on the 16th floor of Who Gives a Fuck Town USA.
Marc:This is no place to be giggling like a little girl.
Marc:No shit, the girl across from me accused me of this.
Marc:I am losing my shit as quietly as I can, but my neighbors are still hearing the occasional gasp, squeak, snort, whatever.
Marc:They are probably harboring notions that I am an unstable, crazed speedhead.
Marc:What I'm trying to say is, thank you sincerely for the laughs, but if you get me fired, especially in this job market, then fuck you.
Marc:Love, Martin.
Marc:All right, now, this one just says subject line, fucking rodent.
Marc:You talked about the Luwak coffee you were drinking referred to the civet whose digestive tract the beans traverse as a, quote, fucking rodent, unquote.
Marc:As a middle school science teacher, I must take issue with this description.
Marc:It is not a fucking rodent.
Marc:It is a fucking civet, which is not even close to being a fucking rodent.
Marc:Just look at the difference in the fucking teeth.
Marc:A fucking rodent has teeth to gnaw on you and give you a nip if it bites.
Marc:A fucking civet rips a big hunk of flesh, shreds it, swallows the bloody gris, and comes back for more with lightning speed.
Marc:Fun fact, colon.
Marc:The species names for this bean-eating civet is hermaphroditus.
Marc:The species name implies it only fucks itself, or does not fuck at all, or fucks anything.
Marc:Sounds like San Francisco.
Marc:But this is a misnomer.
Marc:There are two sexes in this civet, and they do indeed fuck because there are progeny from different gene pools.
Marc:You should know that.
Marc:Besides being covered in digestive juices and regular shit, the Luwak coffee bean is also spiced with a nauseating anal secretion that repels predators.
Marc:Pow, I just shit my pants.
Marc:No, it's not just the coffee brewing.
Marc:Miles.
Marc:I think what's important to be noted about the tone of this email is that he's a middle school science teacher.
Marc:Here's a series of dreams.
Marc:We'll call it a dream sequence.
Marc:Subject line, feeling fine with Marc Maron.
Marc:Marc, I had my first Marc Maron dream last night.
Marc:I was scrambling around one night because I forgot to DVR the first episode of your new Comedy Central show, Feeling Fine with Marc Maron.
Marc:It was essentially a live-action Dr. Katz comedy psychotherapy talk show, and the first guest was Patrice O'Neill.
Marc:Yeah, but no, it's good Patrice exists in dreamland.
Marc:I'm sure this was more a dream about me forgetting to do stupid shit like DVR television shows than it was about Marc Maron, but it seemed worth mentioning.
Marc:Thanks for the great podcast, Bobby.
Marc:Don't get all bummed out.
Marc:Patrice would love that.
Marc:You were my elementary school teacher.
Marc:Dear Marc Maron, in my dream you were my elementary school teacher and the town was flooding and you made me find a car chase to watch.
Marc:And I found one, but it was actually a roller coaster cars, which sucked.
Marc:And then I was drawing a sweet drawing of a radio.
Marc:That was the fucking best sentence ever.
Marc:And then I was drawing a sweet drawing of a radio.
Marc:And you tried to teach me how to draw it, but secretly I knew I was better at drawing it than you.
Marc:That is so fucking a dream, isn't it?
Marc:Melissa.
Marc:Almost sex dream.
Marc:I know, almost, right?
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:First of all, I'm a huge fan.
Marc:I'm not depressed or otherwise dark and twisty.
Marc:Just a stay-at-home mom...
Marc:Not quit artist with a bit of a dark side.
Marc:I've been listening to you for a while and wondering when my Marc Maron dream would happen, and it did, so here it is.
Marc:Paul Feig mentioned the other day that he hasn't had a complete sex dream since getting married.
Marc:I, too, suffer from this same affliction.
Marc:I thought maybe I was just weird or uptight, so it's great to hear someone else has this same issue.
Marc:I guess hearing about it on your show is why you showed up in my suite the other day.
Marc:Don't get jealous, Jess.
Marc:It's a woman's dream.
Marc:I don't remember all the details, but I do remember you and I were sitting on a large football field looking into one another's eyes.
Marc:Suddenly I realized, quote, we're gonna fucking fuck.
Marc:I'm going to have sex with Marc Maron in this dream, unquote.
Marc:I felt we had a shot at completing the act since I knew it was a dream and therefore perhaps my subconscious would allow us to have this moment together.
Marc:I also thought in my dream, quote, I bet he likes his ladies on top.
Marc:I can make this work, unquote.
Marc:I have no idea why I thought this, but I stand by it.
Marc:Yeah, I'll mix it up.
Marc:We were all set to go when suddenly you morphed into my husband.
Marc:I do that sometimes.
Marc:I will fucking morph into husbands in a second.
Marc:I love my husband, but I was a little sad to see you go.
Marc:To add strife, my husband and I then started bickering in my dream rather than having sex.
Marc:So all around, it was a bummer of a dream.
Marc:Sorry, Kate.
Marc:I'm sorry, too, Kate.
Marc:You know, I... Maybe I mis-morphed.
Marc:This one's a series, and then we'll start.
Marc:I got to share this because it fucked me up.
Marc:Subject line, finger blasting on a tour bus.
Marc:Marin, I've only been listening to podcasts for a few months now.
Marc:What the Fuck was one of the first I stumbled upon.
Marc:I was talking with a friend one night, and we were discussing different podcasts.
Marc:We have a similar taste, so when I brought up your show to him, I just assumed he'd look at me and say, oh, yeah, his show rocks.
Marc:But no, Marin, this is when shit got real.
Marc:He paused.
Marc:Things got awkward for a second.
Marc:I asked, what's wrong?
Marc:He replied, fuck that guy.
Marc:Long story short, he goes on to tell me that you once fingered his mom on a tour bus.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:I lost my shit and then realized that he and his mom actually had this conversation at some point in time and I lost my shit again.
Marc:Keep up the good work, you mother finger fucker.
Marc:Then I wrote back, I've never been on a tour bus that I can recall.
Marc:The only girl I fingered on a bus was in eighth grade.
Marc:On a school bus, I need more info, Marin.
Marc:But then I had a weird moment, and I very quickly wrote back to him, I was in eighth grade too, by the way.
Marc:Like, I literally freaked out.
Marc:I'm like, oh, shit, that doesn't look good at all.
Marc:So he writes back, that's quite possible that it was her.
Marc:I'm 28, and my buddy is a few years older.
Marc:I'm from the Northeast, and between Trenton and Philly, it's mathematically, geographically possible that it was her.
Marc:I'll see if I can get to the bottom of this, but he's not a good enough friend where I can call him up and ask him about Marc Maron using his mom like a bowling ball.
Marc:Also, I just moved to D.C.
Marc:from Philly.
Marc:I know you're not Google, but what are some good spots to see comedy around here?
Marc:I wrote back, I grew up in New Mexico.
Marc:That's where the fingering took place.
Marc:I've never been on a tour bus, so if it wasn't Carol from Sandia Prep School in 1977, I'd call bullshit.
Marc:And don't get weird about prep school.
Marc:It was not a real prep school.
Marc:It was where the fucking dumber kids who couldn't get into the real private school, their parents sent them there to make themselves feel better.
Marc:All right, then this guy writes back, I texted him this morning.
Marc:He completely denied it.
Marc:Clearly said, friend is full of shit because I'm not on enough drugs to make something like that up.
Marc:I apologize for the false accusations.
Marc:Carry on.
Marc:Now, that was the end of that exchange, but I would like to know, if Carol is out there and listening, if you remember me fingering you on that school bus when we were both in eighth grade, because you were pretending to be asleep, but there was no fucking way that you were asleep.
Marc:Hey, you know you get started how you get started.
Marc:And if some woman has to go like, I don't feel anything when I'm sleeping...
Marc:That's like saying, come on, try and finger bang me.
Marc:Come on, when you're in eighth grade, stop being so judgy.
Marc:She wasn't sleeping.
Marc:You know how hard it is to finger someone on a fucking school bus?
Marc:And then not even know what to do when your finger's in there?
Marc:That's the worst part about early finger banging.
Marc:You're just sort of like, it's in.
Marc:It's just going well.
Marc:You don't know what's going on down there.
Marc:You're just like, I got it in.
Marc:It was in.
Marc:This guy has been on a live show of mine before.
Marc:I recently did his podcast.
Marc:And it's weird that he's on again.
Marc:I don't know how it happened because he irritates me.
Marc:But for some reason, we work well together.
Marc:You might know him from his podcast, You Made It Weird, or The Conan O'Brien Show, or Comedy Central.
Marc:Pete Holmes is here.
Marc:Pete Holmes.
Pete Holmes.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:Hello, Pete.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:No, yes.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:Hello, Pete.
Marc:How's it going, man?
Marc:I'm fine, man.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:Good.
Marc:You know, I feel like we just talked.
Marc:I don't know what to say.
Marc:But it's good to see you.
Marc:We flew up together.
Marc:It's always nice to see how amazingly self-involved you are all the time.
Guest:don't pull away let him go it's okay follow us down this awkward path yeah this is what happened i'm on the plane and i know first of all you've already got a story about it yeah every time we hang out i have i have five stories okay what happened let me hear it from your point of view here it is and then what you can rebut is that a verb so i'm getting on the plane and you got on the plane first main cabin select i don't know show business yeah it's 39 extra
Marc:Don't worry about it.
Marc:You call me like show business.
Marc:How about cheap fuck?
Marc:$39, you can get free peanuts and sit in a seat with two extra inches of leg space.
Marc:I would have loved those two inches.
Marc:I'm 6'6".
Marc:I know.
Marc:$39.
Marc:Ah, fuck me.
Marc:All you got to do is click if you can figure out how to make the fucking Virgin America website work.
Guest:I can't be clicking.
Guest:So you got on first, and that's always awkward, because we talked before you got on the plane, and then I'm wheeling my stupid little wheel bag.
Marc:I can't be carrying the bags.
Marc:The Hello Kitty bags, it is weird.
Guest:No, that wasn't real.
Guest:That wasn't real.
Guest:90% of the crowd, not sure if that was real.
Guest:They're like, that's about right.
Guest:That's about right.
Guest:I had pigtails in.
Guest:You bought it, though, right?
Guest:You could totally picture him with a Hello Kitty bag.
Guest:You're like, oh, yeah, sure.
Guest:Pete Long's got a Hello Kitty bag.
Guest:For those of you listening that can't see me, I'm a Japanese 13-year-old girl.
Guest:and that's how we were doing it you are inside inside you're a japanese little girl that was racist and i liked it that was racist and you liked it don't back away don't back away no you wasn't racist you didn't make the teeth yeah no i didn't there was no i'm not even going to say what i didn't do because that was the just giggled like a little girl and it was very non-racial asian people on television here we go
Guest:If you watch like Himichamaya Hour or whatever, that was racist.
Guest:Do you know where you are?
Guest:This is San Francisco.
Marc:They're very sensitive about everything.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Everything.
Guest:I feel them pulling away.
Marc:I'm not even sure Japanese is what you're supposed to call them anymore.
Guest:I hear the beep, beep, beep of them backing away, and it's fine.
Guest:But if you watch some sort of late-night Japanese talk show, they laugh corporately.
Guest:They laugh in a way that we don't laugh.
Marc:Where the fuck are you watching late-night Japanese television?
Marc:You're saying this like, oh, yeah, we always watch those shows.
Marc:Everyone in here has watched the late-night Japanese television.
Guest:We're comedians, Mark!
Marc:You've done it.
Marc:Watch late-night Japanese television?
Marc:Where did you get it?
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:You made it all up.
Guest:Oh, in Chicago?
Guest:You think this is a false premise?
Guest:No, tell the story about me.
Marc:Can we get back to me?
Guest:You're calling out a false premise?
Guest:No, I just... When you go to the supermarket and there are only apricots, that's a false premise.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And then I do it, and I kill, and everybody at the end of the bit goes, that's not true at all.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You've baffled them with your charming, weird bullshit.
Guest:So I'm getting on the plane.
Guest:Let's abandon the Japanese thing.
Okay.
Guest:Email me later if you want me to email so you can delete that story.
Guest:If you want the satisfaction of not laughing at it live and deleting it.
Marc:Email it later.
Marc:I guarantee you by the end of this night he will get that fucking story out somehow.
Guest:That's gonna happen.
Guest:That's gonna happen.
Guest:Mark, you are my father.
Guest:Come on, come on, come on.
Guest:Angry comedy, Dad.
Guest:You know you love me.
Guest:You love me.
Guest:You're in me.
Guest:I'm in you.
Marc:I'm in you.
Marc:I'm in you.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Yeah, I know what you are.
Marc:This is the problem with P, is he has no fucking boundaries whatsoever.
Marc:No.
Marc:And the feeling of being on the other side of that is not a good feeling, because he just invades you with his weird fucking kind of slightly... It's like walking through a ghost.
Marc:No, it's like this slightly effeminate charisma that you don't realize is needy until it's inside of you.
Marc:So all of a sudden you have Pete Holmes inside of you and he's taking things.
Guest:I'm like Slimer.
Guest:I go through you, but that entry hole is still on your chest.
Guest:I got my fucking shield up.
Guest:Yeah, come on.
Guest:What is this?
Marc:Those are pickled okras that Dave brought me.
Marc:That's a mug that Rachel brought me.
Marc:I'm going to eat these later.
Marc:That's weird.
Marc:Me and Jessica are going to be eating pickled okra in the room.
Guest:That's a hot night in San Francisco.
Guest:By the way, that dream story made me jealous.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You wanted to morph into a husband?
Guest:Well, no.
Guest:First of all, that guy's husband and Jessica have to feel pretty bad about that story.
Marc:Well, she said she was going to put it on her fucking blog.
Marc:I figure it's open for the, you know what I mean?
Marc:What is happening?
Marc:You can't attack someone for having dreams about somebody, you know?
Marc:But that happens.
Marc:That's true.
Guest:Ray Romano has a bit about that where he says my wife got mad.
Marc:Are we crowding Romano now?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Has it gotten to that point?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:If I could quote Romano.
Guest:It's in the canon.
Guest:It's in the canon.
Guest:He said, I'm sorry I used your friend's breasts, ears, breasts as earmuffs.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Don't worry.
Guest:I'm a professional.
Guest:I bring things up to follow him through.
Guest:I take him home.
Marc:Take him home.
Guest:I think everybody was impressed with the impression.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, come on!
Guest:Mark!
Guest:Men of the same age!
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:I do a call-in!
Guest:How are you?
Guest:Queens!
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's okay.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:Never when we ask for it.
Guest:Never when we ask for it.
Guest:Somewhere in a room, Kevin Pollak is going, who is this kid?
Guest:That's a lot of fun.
Guest:Was that a real laugh?
Guest:That was definitely real.
Guest:I get called out on a fake laugh all the time, but that's a real laugh.
Guest:Do you have several levels of laughter?
Marc:There's a weird, screamy one that seems like you've been hit, and then there was just that, that thing.
Marc:What was that thing?
Marc:Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Marc:that was my super villain oh that was real yeah but that was not real that was real i'm kidding you cannot fake something and go that was real yeah no you can't go see i did it that was real i made myself think something funny and that really came out of my mouth on command that wasn't real all right so we're on the plane you know when you go to the supermarket and they're only nectarines come on false premises come on callback i believe the apricots but not nectarines
Marc:That was real.
Marc:No, it was not.
Marc:That was not real.
Marc:That's a shitty habit that you have.
Marc:You son of a bitch.
Marc:No, you go, and that's your habit.
Marc:In case people aren't laughing, you think that's going to be cute.
Marc:The one right after was real.
Marc:I'm suppressing it right now.
Marc:No, you're suppressing crying.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:Mark and I both have been hurt in our lives.
Guest:Look at you pulling away.
Guest:Look, I get on the plane, and I have my Japanese bag, and I'm going, oochie moochie.
Guest:And I'm eating, like, ice cream that's in a pastry.
Guest:Fuck you, Japan.
Guest:Some sort of dumpling that's, like, green ice cream.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:And I'm eating that.
Guest:You're on your own.
Guest:I know, right?
Guest:That's gonna be fine.
Guest:No Asian people are on the Internet.
Guest:And I walk by.
Guest:This has been great.
Guest:This has been great.
Guest:The wrong city to do this edgy, edgy, friendly guy.
Marc:No, here's what you gotta do now is do a Don Rickles call.
Marc:Look, the Japanese lady's laughing.
Guest:I'll tell you this.
Guest:She's laughing.
Guest:But I'll tell you this.
Guest:So anyway, I had to, first of all, you got on the plane first, and then we had to have that moment where I'm like, what am I, it's like passing a co-worker in the hallway that you've seen already.
Guest:So we talk before the plane, and then you're in the seat, and I'm like, what are we gonna, I had to pre-order some small talk, and I'm like, what am I gonna say?
Guest:Hey, Mark, what the flight?
Guest:I don't know what to say.
Guest:I just made that up, I just made that up.
Guest:I'm very proud of myself for that.
Guest:I didn't know where that story was going, and my brain totally fucking hit it out of the park.
Guest:I'm so happy about that.
Guest:And then, now as the plane deplaning, that's a verb, I'm getting up, and I take my earphones off, and I look up, and all I'm doing is being me, just being me, and I look up, and you're a couple rows ahead of me with your extra inches, and you're just looking at me going, oh, fuck you, man.
Marc:Just hating on me for doing nothing.
Marc:He claims he was just being himself, but to watch Pete Holmes take his earphones off and fold his jacket and just not know anyone's looking at him, yeah, it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen in my life.
Marc:And when he looked at me, I was just like, oh, God.
Marc:Never stops with you.
Marc:And then he made that noise.
Marc:Me all day.
Marc:All right, so I think that before we take up the whole time because of your neediness.
Guest:Let's do it, man.
Marc:No, no, there's other people.
Marc:Oh, come on.
Marc:But you'll be here, and I'm sure you'll be interjecting.
Marc:I just want...
Marc:I just want to bring up very exciting things happening for Pete this Sunday.
Guest:What's that?
Marc:Oh, you know Pete.
Marc:Super Bowl.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:I don't know if people know this, but he's one of those fucking babies on that eBay.
Marc:What is it?
Marc:Yeah, that's me.
Marc:What's the commercial?
Marc:Oh, fuck you, man.
Marc:What is it?
Marc:E-Trade.
Marc:E-Trade.
Marc:He's one of the babies, right?
Marc:So he's going to sit here and pretend like he's just like...
Marc:Like, you were talking to Lorraine Newman.
Marc:She's like, I'm gonna miss the Super Bowl.
Marc:I can't miss the Super Bowl.
Marc:And I'm like, you're a fucking sports fan?
Marc:Then you're like, no, my commercial's one of the commercials.
Guest:I'm a human being!
Guest:I want recognition so bad!
Guest:I want everyone to put down their potato skins and stop rooting for whatever skirmish side they enjoy and watch me as a talking baby.
Guest:Does that make me a monster?
Guest:When did you become the elephant man in your head?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You were saying that you sometimes get recognized for your voice, and I said that's only happened to me once, but you were behind someone on the phone.
Guest:I can imagine.
Guest:There's a lot of Marin being flowed through people's brains.
Guest:Not that much of the baby.
Marc:No.
Guest:One time I was in an airport, and I had to record a spot for E-Trade, and I never do this.
Guest:I want to be clear.
Guest:Look, I'm horrible, but I'm not that horrible.
Guest:What'd you do?
Guest:I found I had to... I don't think I'm horrible.
Guest:Don't worry.
Guest:I found a woman, and I needed a quiet place to record a demo for this E-Trade thing, and I went up to this woman, and I needed to get into one of those sky lounges that you, show business, probably get into.
Guest:You get into it if you get an American Express card.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:I can't.
Marc:Well, maybe if you traveled on the road like a real fucking comic, you'd have one.
Marc:He knows I do.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:Dad, let's throw the ball.
Guest:Let's throw the comedy ball, Dad.
Guest:You're in me, and I'm in you.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:All the callbacks.
Guest:All the callbacks.
Guest:Anyway, the one time I tried to use E-Trade to my advantage, I was trying to get into the Sky Lounge, and I was like, look, I know this is weird, but you can hear it now, right?
Guest:I was like, I know this is weird, but I need to get into the Sky Lounge.
Guest:I need a quiet place to record.
Guest:And she's like, why?
Guest:And I go, uh...
Guest:I don't know if you know those commercials.
Guest:I'm the... I'm the E-Trade Baby.
Guest:And she looked at me with cold, dead eyes and just said, what the fuck is that?
Guest:And basically that woman went home and was like, how was your day at American Airlines?
Guest:She's like, a fucking grown-ass giant Val Kilmer came up to me and said, can I get in there?
Guest:I'm a baby.
Guest:Are you going to tell me if that story is true, you didn't do the voice for her?
Guest:I did do the voice.
Guest:I was like, come on, frowned upon in this establishment.
Guest:Didn't work.
Guest:Didn't work.
Guest:Didn't work.
Guest:That's hilarious.
Guest:She wouldn't let you in?
Guest:Nope.
Guest:That demo was recorded with the sounds of planes boarding in the background.
Guest:Why'd you have to do a demo?
Guest:I don't understand what the hell happened there.
Guest:Well, people come up with the premise of the spot and then I record them on my laptop.
Guest:That's what they use on the commercial?
Marc:What you record on your laptop?
Marc:Not usually.
Marc:So you write those commercials?
Marc:I write the funny parts.
Marc:How many of those have you done?
Marc:Seven or eight.
Marc:Holy fuck.
Marc:You're going to make a lifetime's worth of money being that fucking baby.
Marc:People think that.
Marc:You're telling me that I'm the guy who gets into lounges and gets main cabin select?
Marc:I'm done with you.
Guest:No, you're not.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Friends forever.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hey, you, everybody.
Marc:Move down.
Marc:Oh, I'll move down.
Marc:No, no, just the next one.
Marc:There must be a better way to do this.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest was on Mad TV.
Marc:She's also a frequent guest on Chelsea Lately.
Marc:She was also... What was that show you were on, Arden?
Marc:Was it called Working Girls?
Marc:Working.
Marc:Just working.
Marc:Yeah, I do a lot of research.
Marc:Arden Marine, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Arden Marine.
Marc:Hey.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know her.
Marc:She's that girl from The Thing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Do you get that a lot?
Marc:Like, I know you.
Marc:You're that girl from the, what are you, what?
Guest:The snapping?
Guest:No, no, it's not that.
Guest:It's like, is it Chelsea Lely?
Guest:No.
Guest:And then you feel like a dick.
Guest:Mad TV?
Guest:No.
Marc:That's the worst.
Marc:Then they're like, no, I thought I went to high school with you.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I have a cookie problem, too.
Guest:I have a really bad cookie problem.
Guest:My dad has a cookie.
Guest:My dad eats cookies with a hammer.
Marc:What?
What?
Guest:My dad?
Marc:We are just making this up now to compete with Pete.
Guest:No, for real.
Guest:My dad was a fat kid, and he's obsessed with his weight.
Guest:He's shaped like a baby now, and so he goes on.
Guest:Okay, okay.
Guest:I like this guy.
Guest:I feel like I'm on a really weird date.
Guest:Right?
Guest:For to be a thruple.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:One side is definitely weirder than the other.
Guest:Mark's about to morph into your ex-boyfriend.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:And then you're gonna bicker, and then it's gonna be over.
Guest:Chris, go on.
Guest:I'm so disappointed.
Marc:All right, let Arden talk, Pete.
Guest:I'm so sorry.
Guest:It's all right.
Marc:Just do it.
Marc:Just try to let her talk.
Marc:Don't fucking sympathize with him.
Marc:Do not be sucked in by that fucking bullshit.
Guest:I like your humping cats mug.
Marc:Wait, let's get back to Daddy and cookies.
Guest:So my dad is obsessed with his weight, so he always goes on his, like, he makes up these diets.
Guest:And so he has one that's like the cake, the sheet cake diet, where he only eats the sheet cake diet.
Guest:Oh, sheet cake.
Guest:Okay, got it, got it.
Guest:So he's gotten himself, like, so hooked on regular, like, grocery store birthday cakes that when he goes on sheet cake, it's less icing per square.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:And he loses weight.
Marc:I like this guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You like him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then, so then there was a hammer in the kitchen, and my mom put it away, and I heard, like, God damn it.
Guest:Who moved my cookie hammer?
Guest:Where's my fucking cookie?
Guest:He's a charmer.
Guest:He's wonderful.
Guest:Very soft man.
Guest:That's why I got into comedy.
Guest:Where's my fucking cookie hammer?
Guest:Where's my fucking cookie hammer?
Guest:And he'd been, he's so obsessed.
Guest:We're all like such freak addicts for the cookies that he'd been buying like dinner plate sized cookies.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And aging, aging them like a, like, like, like.
Marc:He'd hang them in a locker?
Guest:He'd put them on top of it.
Marc:A cookie locker?
Guest:He's got a cookie locker on top of the fridge.
Guest:And then, so to the point where he would have to eat them slower if they were that old, so he'd have to, to the point where you couldn't break a piece off, he'd have to hit it with a hammer.
Guest:And then he would like dunk it and dunk them in tea and suck it down.
Guest:So you're not doing that yet, Mark.
Guest:You're just eating pickles.
Marc:That's an amazing system.
Guest:It works.
Guest:He's diabetic, but he looks good.
Guest:He looks so fucking... He's blue around the middle, but he's fucking buoyant.
Guest:He's buoyant, and he's trim, and he's strong like an ox.
Marc:If you don't call your next one-person show, where's my fucking cookie hammer?
Marc:I'm going to be disappointed with you.
Marc:That sounds like the tip of the iceberg.
Guest:Where's my fucking cookie hammer?
Marc:What's up with your dad?
Marc:Let's get right into it.
Marc:Why are you you?
Guest:I would say I come from the long line of gentlemen farmers who enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.
Guest:Or gin or whatever.
Guest:You know, basically you scratch any female comedian's surface and you might get like, Daddy, do you love me?
Guest:And they like you okay.
Guest:They're all right.
Guest:Yeah, he's tough.
Guest:I don't know what just happened, but it was great.
Guest:I love him.
Marc:I know what just happened.
Marc:There's like a million emotions, a lot of avoidance.
Marc:And then like, okay, we're done with that.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:We're done.
Guest:We're done with that topic.
Guest:No more.
Guest:He's sober.
Guest:And so now the bar is like filled with cake.
Guest:How old were you when he got sober?
Guest:His liver crashed the day the stock market crashed in 1987.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, I was 13.
Guest:And yeah.
Guest:And so, but he's been sober.
Guest:He doesn't go to meetings.
Guest:This is so terrible.
Guest:I'm sorry, dad.
Guest:So it's just been cake.
Guest:It's just cake.
Marc:It's just cake.
Marc:A lot of cake and a cookie hammer.
Guest:And a hammer.
Guest:That's what happens.
Guest:Go to the program, you guys.
Guest:Or you're on it with a fucking cookie and a hammer.
Marc:So do you have memories of like, so he was 13, so do you have the bad daddy memories and then sober daddy memories?
Guest:I've got bad dad memories and then cookie hammer memories.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:He is what he is.
Guest:Men love him.
Guest:He's like a cult hit.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He goes to a matinee every day.
Guest:He drives to Mazda and Miata with vanity plates.
Guest:He's a certified public accountant, and it says CPA2.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You don't want to brag, Mark.
Marc:You don't want to brag.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Marc:I need to ask him if he's like my dad.
Marc:Does he bring his own large popcorn container?
Guest:He brings two of his own large Diet Coke because you don't want to get fat, Mark.
Guest:You can't eat a popcorn with a hammer.
Guest:But they have those theaters...
Marc:There's a series where if you get a large Coke and a large popcorn that you can refill, my dad and his wife sneak from movie theater to movie theater with their large popcorn cake as if they don't fucking know that these people come every week.
Guest:But does your dad make fat salad with the popcorn?
Marc:No, what's that?
Guest:Fat salad.
Marc:I'm writing this down.
Guest:Okay, fat salad.
Guest:Here's a fat salad recipe.
Guest:You take a big bucket of popcorn.
Guest:White popcorn.
Guest:And then you put in, like, the best is really milk duds because there's caramel.
Guest:So you dump in milk duds and, like, M&Ms and shit.
Guest:Oh, that.
Guest:And you mix it up.
Guest:Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Cobbs.
Guest:Fucking fat salad.
Guest:You just didn't know what it was called.
Guest:You didn't know what it was called.
Guest:You're like, I get high and I eat this.
Guest:It's fucking fat salad.
Guest:Willie Marine made it up.
Guest:And that's my gift to you, Mark.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:What, Pete?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:I just keep picturing your dad as Ryan Gosling in Drive, like, who wants a fucking cookie?
Guest:The handle with the gloves hanging out of his back pocket.
Guest:He's so amazing.
Guest:That's a hot dad.
Guest:He's hot.
Guest:He's seen all the Twilight movies.
Guest:Ooh.
Guest:He thinks Jacob has a nice, that shapeshifter's got a nice torso.
Guest:And he does.
Marc:Maybe your dad's angry about something specific.
Marc:Maybe there's more to be revealed with Dad.
Guest:Yeah, there might be.
Marc:Parents are still married?
Guest:Married on a dare.
Guest:Get out.
Marc:What does that mean?
Guest:They literally weren't dating, and it's their, like, 48th wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Marc:Wait, what do you mean they got married on a dare?
Guest:They were working together on Wall Street in the 60s.
Marc:Back in the golden age of exploitation.
Guest:and uh he was the bad boy and she was like doris day she wore like little gloves like mad men and um she'd been spurred she'd been pinned and the guy like broke up with her and so she was like afraid she'd be a spinster 23 um which you are girls that's what i'm here to tell you you will be a spinster if you're not married at 23. so they so they were working together and basically you got two weeks off for your vacation but if you went on a honeymoon
Guest:moon you got an extra two weeks and so they were out having cocktails and they were like i dare you i will dare you we'll get married i'll take you to south america we'll come back we'll get it annulled i'll pay for the whole thing and then my mom they couldn't find a bible to swear on so they found a cookbook and then my mom the next day said i will do it but i don't want to get it annulled and now they've been married for like yes beautiful isn't it wow so beautiful so your parents are still married because your mother is spitefully honoring a dare
Guest:It's like the world's worst game of chicken.
Guest:I am a result of chicken.
Guest:Sexy chicken.
Guest:But they did it.
Guest:They did it before they got married.
Guest:I feel like I'm in some weird therapy session.
Guest:I'm also from Little Compton, Rhode Island, the waspy, like, straight out of Compton.
Guest:And it's literally, my mother will be horrified.
Guest:Like, you do not tell tales at a school that I've just told it to.
Guest:You've told everything.
Guest:Everything.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:So you grew up, like, really waspy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just grew up in a rich Nantucket, but we lived there year-round, so we weren't the fancy ones.
Marc:Oh, so you're like an island person.
Guest:Yeah, it was like a townie.
Marc:Oh, that's not waspy.
Marc:That's weird.
Marc:Island people are weird.
Marc:There's like that weird creepiness to island people.
Marc:When the tourists come in, you're like, we're here all the time.
Guest:I know.
Guest:That's me.
Guest:We live out on the farm in the country a little ways.
Guest:My dad has a cookie locker.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:You can't be a real wasp with a vanity plate and a hammer for your treats.
Guest:No, that's too ostentatious.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:It's too easy.
Guest:You don't want to be a bragger.
Guest:You're showing off how fancy you are.
Guest:You can afford a vanity board.
Marc:I never understood that whole world.
Guest:It's weird.
Guest:Yeah, me neither.
Marc:I honestly always... It's weird that you're one of them because you have feelings and stuff.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's weird.
Guest:It's definitely... I went back... It is definitely... I always... I looked like Ron Howard until I was 14.
Guest:And not in a hot way.
Guest:And then I got fat.
Yeah.
Guest:So it was really fun for me growing up there.
Guest:I just feel so good about myself, just coming and going.
Marc:When did I meet you?
Marc:Were you a child?
Guest:I was a child.
Guest:I was.
Guest:I actually escaped early.
Guest:I was a teenager in Chicago.
Guest:I took classes with Del Close, and the family was like, the house team was Adam McKay.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:And then I met you.
Guest:Then I came to New York, and I remember going out.
Guest:I lived in Zach Galifianakis' closet, and I did stand-up.
Guest:and i remember going out with you late um i worked for casting director bonnie finnegan right i remember basically vaguely yeah and conan i remember being you were an intern at conan and conan what did we do when we went out we went off we there was a bunch of us we were like a pizza party yeah no we didn't do anything you don't remember i have a son i want you to be some bobby come out here bobby god that would be the easiest that would be the easiest way for me to have a child
Marc:If I met my 12-year-old son and be like, great, the hard part's over.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:Let me show you the garage.
Guest:Thanks for nothing, Dad.
Guest:Just a fat Ron Howard comes out.
Guest:But he's mad.
Guest:Fat Richie Cunningham.
Guest:Fuck you, Dad.
Guest:I'm getting cool and I'm Fat Richie Cunningham.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we went out on the Lower East Side.
Guest:It was fun.
Marc:Yeah, I remember running around a lot.
Marc:And then you worked for Conan.
Marc:And then all of a sudden, I remember you were around for a little while.
Marc:And then I saw you in a Woody Allen movie.
Guest:I'm like, what the fuck?
Guest:It was fast.
Guest:And I was like, oh, this will continue like this forever.
Guest:Cut to like, hey, this is, yeah, I had like a quick, like quick, sorry, I got working with Dana Gould.
Marc:That was a long run though, right?
Guest:It was two years.
Guest:But it was so fun because it was Dana Gould and Fred Savage and Steve Heitner, who was Banya on Seinfeld.
Guest:It was this ridiculous group of boys.
Guest:It's getting to spend two years straight with Dana Gould.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That would be amazing.
Marc:Like, was that before he got his meds right?
Guest:I think it might have been in the middle of experimenting.
Marc:That was the best day in a cool period.
Guest:Well, we're both insomniacs.
Guest:Do you have sleep issues?
Marc:No, I don't.
Marc:I sleep like a fucking baby.
Guest:Have you always?
Marc:No.
Marc:I like that.
Guest:Do you?
Guest:You like babies.
Guest:Every time.
Guest:Every time.
Guest:Every time.
Marc:I don't have any trouble falling asleep, but I get up early now.
Guest:You're lucky.
Marc:I can't sleep late anymore.
Guest:How much sleep do you get a night?
Marc:Is this really where we're going?
LAUGHTER
Guest:All right, I'll talk about whatever you want.
Marc:No, no, I get about five or six hours.
Marc:My girlfriend gets up very early for work, so I usually get up, and she sets the snooze alarm to go up four times.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like around 4.45, 5 o'clock, 5.15.
Marc:But no, she'd be mad at me for saying that, because she deals with weird numbers.
Marc:It would be 4.43.
Marc:I get it.
Guest:I get it.
Marc:She's right.
Marc:5.02.
Guest:She's right.
Marc:5.17.
Guest:I like her style.
Marc:Yeah, and if I say, why don't you set it for 5.15?
Marc:She's like, because it's not 5.17.
Guest:Yeah, that's right, Jessica.
Guest:That's right.
Yeah.
Guest:I'm with you.
Guest:I'm with you.
Guest:I got you.
Marc:So I just, like, I have dreams where I keep waking up and she's at different points during dressing.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's nice.
Marc:Yeah, I'm like, oh, my God, she was just naked a second ago.
Marc:Now she's fully clothed.
Marc:Where is she?
Guest:That's exciting.
Guest:That kind of adds a little razzle-dazzle to the relationship.
Marc:Okay, this is getting too personal.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:No, no, no, I'm kidding.
Marc:I'm an open book.
Marc:Are we good?
Guest:Yeah, we're cool.
Marc:Arden Marine, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Marc:Now we move down.
Marc:I am thrilled that this next gentleman is with us because he's one of the veterans of the comedy scene here in San Francisco.
Marc:One of the old wizards.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Am I doing the intro right?
Marc:I don't know if you've seen him anywhere in a long time, but God damn it, he's funny.
Marc:Jeff Bolt, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Jeff Bolt.
He loves Jeff Bolt.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:It's always good to see you.
Marc:Very much.
Marc:You're always surprising to me.
Marc:Don't talk like that over there.
Marc:This is where the show is.
Marc:No, Pete.
Marc:I brought you out first for a reason, but not to break into your own needy conversation.
Marc:at the end of the table while I'm talking to a new guest.
Marc:Did you really think that that was okay?
Marc:In what fucking world, Pete, did you think it was okay for you and Arden to have a separate conversation when I bring a guest out?
Marc:Just explain to me how that happened in your self-involved fucking sick world, Pete Holmes.
Marc:This is why I don't bring friends over.
Guest:You're in this now.
Guest:You're in this.
Guest:I'm such a people pleaser.
Guest:This is like my worst nightmare.
Guest:I just want to get an A and a gold star.
Guest:I'm like, I fucked up.
Marc:Then, Arden, you fix it.
Marc:Fix it.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:You look so handsome tonight.
Guest:You're so talented.
Guest:It's so nice to have.
Guest:He didn't mean it.
Guest:He didn't mean it.
Guest:No, tell Pete to shut up.
Guest:Pete, shut the fuck up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Shut the fuck up, Pete.
Guest:Just shut the fuck up.
Marc:God, I love adult children of alcoholics.
Marc:Man, when they fucking snap and take things into their own hands, shit gets done.
Marc:Anyways, Jeff, let's get down to your speed.
Marc:Where are you at?
Guest:This is why I love comedy.
Guest:I love comedians.
Guest:I love people.
Guest:Here's what I don't like.
Guest:Here's what I don't like about stand-up comedy.
Guest:First, I don't like people staring at me.
Guest:That's fucking weird.
Guest:It's weird.
Guest:And...
Guest:No, it makes you very self-conscious.
Guest:How you been?
Guest:I'm fine, man.
Guest:I met your lovely girlfriend there.
Guest:Isn't she lovely?
Guest:She's very pretty.
Guest:She seems a little shifty to me.
Guest:I didn't say that.
Guest:I'm terrified of her, so don't get me into the fucking doghouse.
Guest:She's very touchy.
Guest:Very touchy.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, groping, really.
Guest:But not with me.
Guest:When did that happen?
Guest:How far did this go?
Guest:It was weird because I'm sitting next to Jack and she can't make up her mind.
Guest:She's like all over Jack.
Guest:As soon as you walked away, it's funny, she...
Guest:She seems nice.
Guest:She seems very nice.
Guest:She obviously is touchy.
Guest:A lot of touchy.
Guest:Awkward, uncomfortable touching.
Guest:She said she thinks she felt a lump.
Guest:She wanted me to see if I could feel...
Guest:Hold on.
Guest:Not on me.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:That's how I met her.
Guest:On her.
Guest:Is that right?
Guest:No, she's cute.
Guest:You're a lucky guy, and I don't know if you... Well, you probably both deserve each other.
Guest:Is she... No, that's a compliment.
Guest:That's a good thing.
Guest:They're sweet people.
Guest:Welcome to San Francisco, by the way.
Guest:Oh, it's great to be here.
Guest:Isn't this a nice town?
Guest:The people here are...
Guest:What?
Guest:They're not, they're not right.
Guest:Why?
Guest:What we're doing right now is really not entertainment.
Guest:This is crowd control.
Guest:No, these people are very content.
Guest:They're happy.
Guest:They are nice.
Guest:I met most of them for the show.
Guest:I thought they were very touchy.
Guest:A lot of them were touching me.
Guest:Maybe it's me.
Guest:I don't know what it is.
Guest:But I don't like it.
Guest:No, my wife is here.
Guest:My first wife.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The first one?
Guest:How many have you had?
Guest:Just her, but I'm keeping my fingers straight.
Guest:I actually made a New Year's resolution.
Guest:What's that, Jeff?
Guest:Well, first of all, I quit smoking.
Guest:Good for you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Yeah.
Guest:Out here in the parking lot.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You saw that one coming, didn't you?
Guest:Come on.
Guest:No, I never can keep resolutions.
Guest:I'm sure you're probably the same way.
Guest:I don't even bother with them.
Guest:I don't even bother with them.
Guest:Now, each year, this year, I'm giving each year a theme.
Guest:And if I can stick kind of to the theme, then I'll feel pretty good about it.
Guest:Okay, what's this year's theme?
Guest:This year's theme is, uh, I gotta get out of this marriage.
Guest:So you're gonna give yourself a year to... That's the theme.
Guest:That's what I'm working on.
Guest:And the kids are with me.
Guest:No, they're great.
Guest:How many kids do you have?
Guest:I have two.
Guest:Yeah, you like them?
Guest:They're, you know, they're very shifty.
Guest:They're very shifty.
Guest:Touchy?
Guest:Are they touchy?
Guest:They do not touch, no, because there's a... That's a whole litigation thing.
Guest:There's a whole... I can't even talk about it.
Guest:No, they're a great kid.
Guest:One's in New York and one's in L.A.
Guest:That must cost a lot of money.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:It's free now because she's getting a PhD and she's in a fellowship.
Guest:She actually has access to the left or right side of her brain that I have no ability to get to.
Guest:There's one side of your brain.
Guest:It's like physics.
Guest:She's in Einstein in the Bronx.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:That is true.
Guest:That's amazing to have a kid that's going to be so much more successful than you.
Guest:How does that feel?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:And they remind me of that all the time.
Guest:Daddy's a loser.
Guest:Daddy's a loser.
Guest:Yeah, put that in your little skit thing, Pop.
Guest:No, they're great.
Guest:And Chandler's Fantasy Blog in L.A., he's pitching this movie, and so that's good if you've seen his... Your son's pitching a movie?
Guest:He's pitching a show, a TV show.
Guest:It's called Chandler's Fantasy Blog.
Guest:Now, do you think you can get an audition for that?
Guest:He, you know what?
Guest:He, no.
Guest:I do not.
Guest:I don't.
Guest:No.
Guest:But I'm not bitter.
Guest:I'm not angry.
Marc:I don't feel that at all.
Marc:I feel like you seem like a very happy guy.
Guest:He's a sweet kid.
Guest:No, you.
Guest:You seem happy.
Guest:I'm not happy.
Guest:No, I am happy.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:I can't get work up here.
Guest:That's what's wrong with San Francisco.
Guest:Did you ever think about leaving?
Guest:Well, I can't.
Guest:I cannot because I've got a puppy now.
Guest:And so I love the dog.
Guest:And so I'm trying to decide, how can I get rid of my wife?
Guest:and keep the dog but I'm afraid that there's going to be it's a very technical thing sounds like you got a lot of plates spinning I got a lot of things going on but you know stand up up here is very it's hard to I mean you guys are all up here from LA this whole sketch fest there's hardly very little San Francisco represented well who's left Jeff
Guest:just me and will will does for myself that's it that's it we make each other laugh um will is really funny he's really funny i'll say he'll say something funny that's really funny will and then i'll say something funny and then he'll uh he'll he's a heckler is what he is
Guest:But I've actually rewritten my whole act because that alternative comedy doesn't seem to be working up here at all.
Guest:No?
Guest:No.
Marc:Now, do you get out much to watch anything at all?
Guest:No, I don't.
Guest:I really don't.
Guest:Everybody I know from up here is down in L.A.
Guest:now, and they're millionaires.
Guest:They're rich.
Guest:They're successful.
Marc:You must be very happy for them.
Guest:I'm very... I'm not... I am happy for them.
Guest:I'm a little angry.
Guest:I don't... They're... Yeah, they're all cocky.
Guest:They're all cocky.
Guest:Isn't it weird... Hey, how about give me a phone call occasionally?
Guest:No, you can't get that.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Isn't it weird how everyone that you know, as soon as they become rich, they become assholes, and it's never anything to do with you?
Guest:You know, what's great about that is I know that'll never happen to you.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Hey, keep me honest, Jeff.
Guest:I'm doing it one phone call at a time.
Guest:I don't mean the part about you being an asshole.
Guest:I mean the part about you being rich and famous.
Guest:I know.
Guest:That's what I... No, no, no.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:You don't remember this because you were still drinking back in the day.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Oh, this sounds good.
Guest:I'm going to take credit.
Guest:I'm going to take credit for...
Guest:giving you the idea of doing a podcast.
Marc:That's ridiculous.
Guest:No, absolutely.
Guest:We were at the Buckeye Roadhouse.
Guest:Where the fuck is that?
Guest:That's in, you know where that is.
Guest:Mill Valley, somewhere.
Guest:Oh, and after I did the Jew gig?
Guest:Yeah, the Jew gig.
Guest:That's what we called it.
Guest:It's you, Dick, at the Marin JCC.
Guest:I wasn't drinking then.
Guest:How long ago was that?
Marc:You don't remember this.
Marc:No, I remember doing that.
Marc:I remember seeing you and your wife, and Maureen was there.
Marc:You said one little cocktail is not going to hurt anything.
Marc:No, I did not.
Guest:That was like 2002.
Guest:No, I said you got loaded, and you probably don't remember that whole deal on the bar top.
Guest:I'm having a hard time placing you right now.
Guest:And I said, you know what, Mark, you ought to start a podcast.
Guest:That's what I said.
Guest:What year was this?
Guest:2000 and before podcast sometime?
Guest:It was just right around 2006, 5 or 7.
Guest:It was right around the internet.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It was the internet.
Marc:Then you're right.
Marc:I did completely steal that idea from you.
Guest:No, I gave it to you.
Marc:Five years later.
Guest:I gave it to you.
Guest:I said, you're never going to remember this day because you're so loaded right now.
Marc:I guess I owe you a great deal of gratitude and thanks.
Marc:That's nothing.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:Jeff Bull, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Guest:Thank you, Mark.
Guest:Good to see you.
Guest:Yeah, it's good to see you.
Marc:You're going to hang out, right?
Marc:Wowie zowie.
Marc:Why did I just say that?
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest was an original cast member on the Saturday Night Live program.
Marc:Please welcome Lorraine Newman to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:Oh, my God, standing ovation from people.
Marc:Beautiful.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:Just a word of advice to an audience.
Marc:If you're going to do a standing ovation, everyone needs to get on board.
Yeah.
Marc:Because now Lorraine can individually thank the four that decided to go all in.
Guest:Thank you for letting the air out of my tires.
Guest:I really feel like a spoken word performer who's been, like, wedged into an evening of chainsaw jugglers.
Guest:I just... And now for something completely tiresome.
Marc:People are thrilled to see you.
Marc:I'm thrilled to see you.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:We're all just a bunch of insecure, yammering, needy people.
Marc:You have had a long career.
Marc:You have wisdom.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'm actually completely evolved and have no insecurities at all.
Guest:I don't compare myself to anybody.
Guest:Anybody who's more successful than me that I might have started out with.
Guest:and feel some proprietary, you know, uh, entitlement.
Guest:You don't feel any of that?
Guest:No, not at all.
Marc:But you've seen the arc of people, though.
Marc:Like, some people you started with, whether you were jealous of them or mad at them or not, a lot of people have, like, had the arc, and now, look, you see them, and they're all beaten up and sad and angry again.
Marc:Where are they?
Guest:I'm just talking about Chevy.
Guest:Okay, yes, Chevy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, that's just a different pathology entirely.
Guest:I didn't want to describe that.
Guest:It scares me.
Guest:Does he?
Guest:Well, just the sadness.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Because I have this weird thing with Chevy because I did his roast.
Marc:Like, I was on the roast of him when they did the Comedy Central roast.
Marc:And he was so mean.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I was there.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That's right, you were.
Marc:You were like the only one that came from the old days.
Guest:Yeah, well, you know, we were friends.
Guest:No, that's not a bad thing.
Guest:I was very close to Chevy.
Guest:We were good friends.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then what happened?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You know, he's just a sad guy.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I'll leave it at that.
Marc:Yeah, well, my dad reminds me of that.
Marc:Yeah, my dad's a sad guy.
Marc:But, you know, it's weird, because sometimes when people are sad, there's nothing you can fucking do other than just go, okay, I hope you feel better.
Guest:Yeah, it's like the paranoid that everything compounds.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:There's nothing you can do, nothing you can say.
Marc:Well, you seem happy.
Guest:I am.
Marc:But, like, here's the weird thing about...
Marc:Here's the weird thing about, like, when I ran into you a few months ago, and I was thrilled to see you, but, like, I didn't realize, like, because I don't see you on television, but you, a lot, but you do fucking, you're working more than anybody I've ever seen in my life.
Marc:I actually downloaded your resume, and you've done every voice and every cartoon.
Guest:Oh, my God, you sure do have that.
Marc:It's fucking unbelievable.
Marc:Like, because some people are like, I wonder what she's up to.
Marc:She's done everything.
Marc:Have you made most of your money doing voiceovers?
Guest:Yeah, thank you very much.
Marc:It's amazing.
Marc:Do you want to familiarize yourself with it?
Guest:Yeah, well, I was on a podcast recently, and they said, so you want to promote anything?
Guest:I was like, well, I can't think.
Guest:And afterwards, someone said, hey, I heard you in Beavis and Butthead.
Guest:And it was the Scar Brothers.
Guest:They said, why didn't you talk about that?
Guest:I forgot.
Guest:Because you do these things like a year ago, and then they're on.
Guest:That happened with me with some animated feature like In the Wild.
Guest:And I was looking at the ad for it, and I was thinking, why didn't I work on that?
Guest:And then a friend of mine called and said, hey, you were great in In the Wild.
Guest:I didn't remember doing it.
Marc:But like, do you...
Marc:Okay, well, then maybe we can have some fun.
Marc:Do you remember doing the Lily Tomlin special?
Guest:Yeah, that was my first job.
Guest:I was 22, and that was when I first met Lorne Michaels, and they had me do a Valley Girl.
Guest:I was doing this Valley Girl character in The Groundlings, and I had one line, which was, guy, you guys, and they liked it, and they gave me a monologue.
Guest:It was very thrilling.
Marc:It was great.
Marc:When you met Lily, was she like a hero of yours?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Was she amazing?
Guest:She was great.
Guest:But my sister, Tracy, who's nine years older than me and a folk singer, but she's done a lot of things.
Guest:She's like an Emmy Award winning TV writer.
Guest:She created Belushi's Brothers show.
Guest:Oh, Jim Belushi?
Guest:I know.
Guest:Don't hold that against her.
Guest:But, you know, she's one of the four writers of the Ellen Coming Out show.
Guest:She got an Emmy for that.
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Guest:But she used to be a folk singer in New York.
Guest:Ed McMahon was her manager.
Guest:Really?
Marc:The Ed McMahon?
Guest:The Ed McMahon.
Guest:And she had a TV show on PBS, like a folk thing.
Guest:But she also was MC at places like The Bitter End.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:So it's like comedy history.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she would come to L.A.
Guest:every once in a while.
Guest:She says, I wanted to meet my friend Richard Pryor.
Guest:No.
Guest:Playing at the Troubadour.
Guest:Really?
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:I was 14.
Guest:I was in one of those braces.
Guest:It was like, oh, I'm so happy to meet you.
Yeah.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Yeah, she knew all of them.
Marc:So you saw all those people?
Guest:All of them.
Marc:She knew all of them.
Marc:Where'd you grow up?
Marc:L.A.
Marc:The whole time?
Guest:Native, yeah.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:Was your family there a long time?
Guest:Yeah, my dad was born there in 1916.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Jews?
Guest:Jews, but moved to Arizona.
Guest:They're cattle merchants.
Guest:Cattle Jews?
Guest:Cattle Jews.
Guest:Cattle Jews.
Guest:Cattle Jews.
Guest:There you go.
Guest:Another stereotype broken on the WTF podcast.
Guest:I think we just established the existence of Jewish cowboys.
Guest:That's right, baby.
Guest:I once brought a cat into the house, not realizing that my dad did not like cats.
Guest:And he got so pissed.
Guest:The center of his face was like black with rage.
Guest:And he said, you get that ornery varmint out of here.
Guest:I was like, Dad, we're Jews.
Guest:We're in Beverly Hills.
Guest:What is that?
What?
Guest:Yeah, really.
Marc:Really, a Jewish angry cowboy dad that hates cats.
Guest:That hates cats.
Marc:And uses the word varmint.
Guest:Yes, ornery varmint.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:My entire life is different now.
Marc:I love knowing that there are Jewish cowboys.
Marc:Gene Wilder played one in that movie.
Marc:Do you know Gene Wilder?
Guest:I don't know him.
Guest:I've met him once.
Marc:Me neither.
Marc:I'd like to know him.
Marc:He's kind of an interesting guy.
Marc:We're not talking about him.
Marc:We're going through your resume.
Marc:Do you remember American Hot Wax?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That was the Alan Freed movie?
Guest:Yeah, that was an improvised movie.
Marc:What does that mean?
Guest:Well, it was Art Linson kept saying, go for it.
Go for it.
Guest:In every scene, every setup, that took 5,000 hours to light.
Guest:He was like, go for it.
Marc:No script?
Guest:No script, really.
Guest:Not really.
Guest:But, you know, Cameron Crowe was in that movie.
Marc:Really?
Guest:He was, yeah.
Guest:Was he 10?
Guest:How old was he?
Guest:He was about 10.
Guest:He played like a delivery boy, and he had to cut his hair.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:The whole thing, yeah.
Marc:I didn't know that.
Marc:Now, Stardust Memories.
Marc:You had a small role in that.
Guest:Yeah, I played a, oh, my God.
Guest:This is like, this is your life.
Guest:It's great.
It's great.
Guest:Thank you for setting me up like this, Mark.
Guest:I appreciate it.
Guest:Yeah, I played a movie producer, and he gave me lines to say that were basically what every critic had ever said about him.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Self-indulgent and inaccessible.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:What was it like with that guy?
Guest:fun he was great he was really nice and then i i went away and then i got this call they want you to come back for reshoot so i thought oh man i fucked up and he wrote more stuff for me oh that's great nice guy though oh that's good now learn michaels let's let's dish please i i'm slightly obsessed with a small encounter i had with him many years ago that didn't materialize into anything but him basically saying that whatever i was doing was not very good
Marc:But you knew him at the beginning, and I can't get any, any fucking SNL cast member to say anything but sort of revering things about this man.
Guest:Did you like him?
Guest:Everybody loves Lorne.
Guest:You know, it's like that.
Guest:There's a Kirk Dunn.
Guest:Look, and they also, you know, he's done some pretty shitty things.
Guest:I first met him when he was 28.
Marc:He was 28?
Guest:I was 28 when I first met him.
Guest:He was 28 when I first met him.
Guest:I was 21.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:And he was living at the Chateau Marmont.
Guest:His first marriage was breaking up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And there was this ghoulish guy that answered the phones at the Chateau Marmont.
Guest:He would answer it, Chateau...
Guest:And Lorne, who was terribly lonely, he would come in and he would see the switchboard lit up.
Guest:You see, there was a time when telephones were connected to a switchboard.
Guest:And the guy would be reading a book.
Guest:And Lorne would think, you know, one of those calls could be for me.
Guest:And that's the Lorne I first met.
Guest:The sad, lonely Lorne.
Guest:Yeah, he was living on popcorn at the Chateau Montmartre.
Marc:This guy just keeps getting more humanized as each episode goes by.
Marc:I cannot make him the evil emperor of a show business.
Guest:No, those stories are in my book.
Marc:Oh, they are?
Guest:That's in a drawer.
Marc:Is it ever going to make it out of the drawer?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You know, rewrites, that's when the big boys come out.
Guest:You have to be a big boy for a rewrite.
Guest:Well, why don't you do it?
Guest:I've attempted to rewrite nine times because I'm bored with myself.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I'm bored with everything I've written.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, I just like write new stuff so I don't have to go back and write that.
Marc:Then I won't ask you too many questions about that.
Marc:Let's just play this with you.
Marc:No, it's all right.
Guest:Well, like John Belushi, was he a pretty good guy?
Yeah.
Guest:He was.
Guest:He was really sweet.
Guest:You know, this whole thing about the misogyny that happened there.
Guest:Early on?
Guest:That was not my experience at all.
Guest:It was a meritocracy.
Guest:And Lauren was a big champion of women's humor.
Guest:So that just wasn't true.
Guest:I mean, it's a really easy polemic to get into, but it just wasn't true.
Marc:God, he's like the best guy ever.
Marc:Woo-hoo!
Marc:You know what?
Guest:The way it is to be around him now, it's like I feel like the girl that he fucked in high school.
Guest:It's like, look at all these other great women I've been with.
Guest:You know?
Oh.
Marc:Do you ever go over there just to say hi?
Guest:Well, I took my daughter, my younger daughter turned 16.
Guest:For her birthday, she wanted to go see SNL.
Guest:So that's what we did.
Guest:And we met my older daughter, who's living in New York and going to school there.
Guest:And we all went and saw the show.
Guest:And it is so different.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:I mean, boy, it's just like a machine.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Guest:You know, they taped the dress rehearsal...
Marc:What was it like when you were?
Marc:It was just a fucking, like... Oh, it was a mess.
Guest:No, I mean, we didn't know what we were doing.
Guest:You know, when I finally got a hold of those, you know, the first five years DVDs, I was like... Oh, yeah.
Guest:God, this is not funny.
LAUGHTER
Guest:You know, it did not hold up for me at all.
Guest:And I realized, you know, for me, it's kind of like, you know, like the Olympics.
Guest:When you see what gymnasts could do in the 50s and what they can do now.
Guest:That's what it was like, you know.
Marc:It's weird that I even remember, like I was a big fan when I was like 13 or 14.
Marc:I'd stay up and I'd watch that cast, your cast.
Marc:And when I got that box set too, I was like, I didn't remember there was so much singing and so many commercials.
Marc:There was like two sketches on each show and the rest was pre-recorded or Robert Klein.
Guest:Yeah, well, we were still finding our form.
Guest:You actually can see a trajectory, and I haven't watched all of them, because the sixth time when I saw a sketch and I thought, I don't remember doing that.
Guest:I thought, no, I'm just not going to watch them for a while.
Guest:But it does undermine your confidence, because everybody says, that was the best cast.
Guest:And it was like, really?
Guest:There have been so many great people.
Guest:So many great people.
Marc:Well, that casket's like the mythology of SNL.
Guest:Yeah, they're lionized.
Guest:It's not right.
Marc:So when you do all these voices... No, it was a great thing.
Marc:When you do all these voices, I don't do voices, but do you have an entire array of voices that you do?
Guest:You mean like a trunk?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I do have a trunk.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I open it up, and I see a drawing, and it's like, well, this will go with that one.
Guest:Every once in a while, something will just come out, you know?
Guest:I've been doing... David Feldman, whose daughter is working the festival, she's adorable, Hannah, which is my younger daughter's name.
Marc:David Feldman, if you don't know, is a San Francisco comic.
Marc:Yeah, David Feldman and I, when I first moved to San Francisco, did a Live 105 radio gig at a 24-hour fitness center in Stockton.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Good times.
Marc:On a Sunday afternoon where you could actually see people working out in the other room and then a few confused 105 listeners.
Marc:And I did my set and I'd never met David in my life and he walks out of the parking lot, puts his arm around me and goes, you're filthy.
Marc:You're filthy and you shouldn't be.
Marc:You're a nice Jewish guy.
Marc:Don't be fucking filthy.
Guest:All right, Dad.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:But he does a show on KPFK, and it's all political humor.
Guest:People like Frank Conniff write for it, and Dylan Brody, and all sorts of interesting people.
Guest:And I've been doing that a lot lately, and that's where the characters that I never knew I did came out.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Like, which ones?
Guest:Are they just people?
Guest:Well, Frank Conniff wrote a great piece as Calista Gingrich.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Talking about, you know, it's...
Guest:He comes home to me every night, every single night, huffing and puffing on top of me.
Guest:She looks like a bird, so I was trying to get a voice up in here that was a little nasal.
I don't know.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:Voice work at work.
Marc:Beautiful.
Marc:Lorraine Newman, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:I heard that.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:Are you going to hang out?
Marc:Yeah, move down one and let's bring... Let's bring... Big Will out.
Guest:This guy is a San Francisco institution.
Guest:One of the foremost political ramblers on the planet.
Guest:Please welcome Will Durst.
Yeah.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:You can do anything.
Guest:How am I supposed to follow Lorraine Newman?
Guest:And no, you're wrong.
Guest:It was the best cast.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Because you guys, remember 1975, television in 1970, Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan and Jesus, and you guys came with a machete and you cut down a path for all those other casts to go down.
Guest:Am I right?
Yeah.
Marc:You know it's true.
Guest:I remember you guys doing roach jokes, and the censors didn't understand what a roach was, so they let it through.
Marc:That's what I meant to say before.
Marc:I was feeling that, and I got nervous.
Marc:I don't know if you felt that, but he's speaking exactly what I was thinking when I was fumbling through my interview with you.
Guest:I only speak the truth, Mark.
Marc:Yeah, that's what you're known for.
Marc:Your will, the truth, thirst.
Marc:When people go truth, they're like, fucking Will Durst.
Marc:Yeah, Will, nuclear power.
Marc:You look well, man.
Guest:So do you.
Marc:Are you doing all right?
Guest:Yeah, everything's good, you know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm on my way to the middle.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Do you get out there and fucking do the work still?
Marc:I mean, you're doing the stand-up?
Guest:You know, it's hard to do clubs anymore.
Guest:What?
Guest:It's not their fault.
Guest:It's not my fault.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's just that I'm, you know, this age.
Guest:Because the average age of a comedy club is always 18 to 35, which was great when I was 18 to 35.
Guest:But now that I'm approaching 40...
Guest:No, but it's not fair, because I do political material, and I go out there, and it's the Friday second show, and there's a bachelorette party sitting dead left, and there's, you know, six little girls... Nothing like launching into topical political stuff when there's a girl with a veil on with a dick on her head.
Guest:A lace penis on her forehead, yeah.
Guest:And I'm talking about raising the debt ceiling, and...
Guest:And, you know, poor girl.
Marc:Well, that's so nice that you empathize with them as opposed to... Well, they don't laugh either.
Marc:If there's a bachelorette party in a room, you should always ruin their fucking party and make them ashamed they went to a comedy club.
Marc:Why the fuck do bachelorette parties go to comedy clubs?
Marc:Like, we don't want to deal with them.
Marc:What do they want from us?
Marc:They're sitting there with dick popsicles and dick hats, and all the girls are like, wait, it's their bachelorette party, and all you want to say is, we don't give a fuck.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:Are you still doing clubs?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Yes, and I try to be diplomatic when I have a bachelor.
Marc:I had a fucking... One night I was in Madison, Wisconsin, okay?
Marc:And, right, I sold out.
Marc:It's a great club, right, yeah?
Marc:But there was a bachelorette party, and then they told me right before the show that the entire rest of the club had been sold to this sorority event where it was fathers and daughters.
Marc:So it was... You're kidding.
Marc:No, bachelorette party and just fathers and daughters.
Yeah.
Marc:Bring your daughter to a comedy club night?
Marc:I couldn't fucking believe it.
Marc:I was just sort of like, look at the sick.
Marc:First show or second show?
Marc:First show.
Marc:But it was like, it was okay.
Marc:I tried to tread a line and kind of like veil the fact that I knew there was completely dysfunctional going on.
Marc:For 50 minutes and then the last five minutes, boom.
Marc:Oh yeah, I talked about the daughters getting, you know, dirty.
Marc:It was bad.
Marc:I can't even go into what I was suggesting to those people.
Marc:Can you go back to Madison?
Marc:Sure I can.
Marc:I think I made an impression on those people.
Guest:I thought there might be a restraining order or something.
Marc:I set an example.
Marc:I think it was a good moment for fathers to walk out of the club with their daughters and go, nothing like him is ever coming into my house.
Marc:I didn't send you to college to end up with a man like that.
Marc:What are you doing?
Marc:You taking pills?
Marc:I'm taking the nicotine lozenge.
Marc:This is how I live now.
Guest:You don't smoke anymore?
Marc:I haven't smoked in ten years.
Marc:Ten years?
Marc:Yeah, just suck on nicotine lozenges.
Marc:And then eventually wonder, like, this can't be good.
Marc:It's got to be doing something bad.
Marc:But it's candy.
Guest:Well, I'm down to five or six cigarettes a day.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Mostly because I live in San Francisco.
Guest:Is that a cigarette?
Guest:No, it's a joint.
Guest:Well, it better be.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:Now, okay, let's be honest about this.
Marc:No, seriously, five to six cigarettes a day.
Marc:Well, that's good.
Marc:It doesn't hurt you.
Marc:It's probably better for you, right?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I smoke non-filters.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Which kind?
Guest:English ovals.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, because you don't feel guilty when you toss it out, you know, because, you know, the only religion in San Francisco is recycling, so...
Guest:you know you you feel guilty you know what the filter it'll stay 10 000 years before it degrades lava cannot destroy a cigarette filter your volcanoes the sun will come into the earth and the cigarette filters will still be alive with the cockroaches and the club owners
Marc:I remember, like... I know!
Marc:Let's describe, like, so these people, I don't know if they understand.
Marc:Describe what the San Francisco comedy scene was in, like, 1980.
Guest:In 1980, it was just burgeoning.
Guest:It was, uh... But in 87, 88...
Guest:It was like a rock concert.
Guest:It was electric.
Guest:Who was here?
Guest:You go into clubs.
Guest:Everybody was here.
Guest:Bobcat was here.
Guest:Ellen DeGeneres was here.
Guest:Paula was here.
Guest:Bobby Slayton.
Guest:Bobby Slayton.
Guest:Bobby Slayton.
Guest:One of the best pure stand-ups.
Guest:Love that guy.
Guest:I mean, pure stand-ups.
Guest:Same thing with Proops.
Guest:Proops was here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Another great stand-up.
Guest:Tom Kenny.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:You know, they talk about the good old days.
Guest:I don't remember the days.
Yeah.
Guest:I slept through the days.
Marc:I remember the nights.
Marc:Well, tell me that story, because I vaguely remember a story when you came down, when I was a doorman at the Comedy Store, you came down from San Francisco, and you told the story about when Robin was here.
Guest:Oh, there used to be a club called the Holy City Zoo.
Guest:I don't know if any of you remember it.
Guest:Holy City Zoo.
Guest:And I remember the first time I came to San Francisco, John Cantu brought me on stage.
Guest:And I followed Mike Pritchard and then Robin Williams.
Guest:And Robin did 45 minutes.
Guest:And then they introduced me.
Guest:And when Robin would do the Holy City Zoo, they would go up and down the street.
Guest:Robin's here.
Guest:Robin's here.
Guest:And the place had 12 people in it.
Guest:And by the time Robin hit stage, it was packed to the sidewalk.
Guest:So Robin gets off after 45 minutes and the crowd starts streaming out and they mention my name and I was at the bar and I couldn't get to the stage because everybody was leaving.
Guest:And these were the days, these were the bad old days when there was a lot of snorty whiff Colombian marching powder stuff going around and people would leave the club.
Guest:Robin did some of my coke.
Guest:It was true.
Guest:It was true.
Guest:We all did.
Guest:Every club in every town had one waitress who was dealing.
Guest:There were times that, and I'm telling you more than you need to know, but there were comics who left their week owing the club money.
Marc:Yeah, because of that waitress.
Guest:Yeah, that one waitress.
Guest:Or the club owner.
Guest:There was a club owner, and I can't remember where, but it was in the cell.
Guest:And he kept lending this comic, who shall remain nameless, but he kept lending him half grams all week long.
Guest:And by the end of the week, he went to get his check.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:You owe us $200.
Guest:It's like the scene from the Blues Brothers.
Guest:No, no, I thought the beers were free.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Marc:All right, let's talk about politics.
Marc:Let's do it.
Marc:What do you got?
Marc:Obama.
Marc:Now, are you one of the lefties that is utterly disappointed?
Guest:No, no, because I understand the problems.
Guest:He was always a facilitator when he was a community organizer.
Guest:He was a facilitator in the Illinois Senate.
Guest:He was a facilitator.
Guest:He brought people together.
Guest:Same thing in the U.S.
Guest:Senate.
Guest:And all these progressives, you know, they're all pissed off.
Guest:Well, he didn't.
Guest:past the rainbows in every patriarch, you know?
Guest:And he couldn't, because he's trying to bring people together.
Guest:And the Republicans, their entire negotiating stance for four years was, no, no, no, no.
Guest:What are you, four?
Guest:Yeah, they are four.
Guest:Now, and Democrats.
Guest:You know, for the first two years, he had the Democrats with him for the 111th Congress.
Guest:You know, he had both houses, and he... Because Democrats, they're useless.
Guest:They aren't.
Guest:They're useless.
Guest:I doubt a three out of ten of them can escape from a stalled escalator in under an hour.
Guest:And part of the problem is because the definition of liberal means accepting of many viewpoints.
Guest:So they've got to let everybody in.
Guest:It's the problem with the Occupy Movement.
Guest:You know, when the Occupy Movement...
Guest:was focused on, you know, the inequality in terms of wealth.
Guest:You know, it made sense.
Guest:But then, because they're liberal, they got to let everybody in.
Guest:They got to let the no more debt people in.
Guest:You know, the get out of Tibet people.
Guest:And always the sea turtle people are fucking everywhere.
Guest:Because they got that costume and they're going to goddamn wear it.
Marc:You know?
Marc:Yeah, all it takes is one person wearing a turtle outfit to undermine a revolution.
Marc:And that's always who... Well, that's the media.
Guest:Always go to the turtle guy.
Marc:The one dude with... The white dude with dreadlocks and a drum.
Marc:This is the movement.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You know, and standing next to her, there's a confused-looking teacher.
Yeah.
Guest:And that's what the Republicans are doing.
Guest:You know, like in Wisconsin, where they're blaming the economy based on the people who teach their kids.
Guest:Yeah, that's the enemy right there.
Marc:Yeah, I don't know how they get away with that.
Marc:Fuck the teachers.
Guest:Fuck the teachers.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:Fuck the nurses, too.
Marc:We don't need either of those people.
Guest:Why does that fucking make sense to anybody?
Guest:Nurses don't deserve pay, and teachers can go fuck themselves.
Guest:Let's just see what happens with the poor people now.
Guest:Either they'll die or just stupid themselves into a hole.
Guest:And the right is always complaining that, oh, you know, the professors and the journalists, you know, they're all biased, they're all liberal.
Guest:No, they're educated.
Guest:Will Durst, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Oh, you're the best, man.
Guest:Let me get out of the laugh.
Guest:You good?
Guest:Let me get out of the laugh.
Guest:All right, let's try to start that music and wrap this thing up.
Guest:Will Durst, Lorraine Newman, Jeff Bolt, Arden Marine, Pete Holmes, visiting live WTF at San Francisco Sketch Fest.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming out.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you for listening.
Guest:I've got t-shirts and stuff if you want stuff.
Guest:You guys are great.
Guest:I love you.
There we go.