Episode 278 - Craig Ferguson

Episode 278 • Released May 9, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Marc Maron.

00:00:24Marc:All right, let's do this.

00:00:25Marc:How are you?

00:00:25Marc:What the fuckers?

00:00:26Marc:What the fuck buddies?

00:00:27Marc:What the fucking ears?

00:00:28Marc:What the fuck's the bulls?

00:00:29Marc:What the fucking ox?

00:00:30Marc:I don't know.

00:00:31Marc:Hey, it's Mark Maron.

00:00:32Marc:This is WTF.

00:00:33Marc:Thank you for listening.

00:00:34Marc:I welcome you.

00:00:36Marc:I welcome you to the garage.

00:00:37Marc:I welcome you to my head.

00:00:38Marc:I welcome you to the show.

00:00:41Marc:By the way, Craig Ferguson on the show today.

00:00:43Marc:I went to his place, not his house, to his office, to his place of work.

00:00:49Marc:I sat in an office with him.

00:00:50Marc:We talked for about an hour, and you're going to hear that in just a few minutes.

00:00:54Marc:But first, let me talk about me and my world.

00:00:59Marc:How's your world doing?

00:01:00Marc:It's weird what's happened in this neighborhood.

00:01:03Marc:There was a place down the street here.

00:01:06Marc:I've got to do a series of interviews around Highland Park, which is east.

00:01:10Marc:It's in the east part of Los Angeles.

00:01:13Marc:I know many of you know the Cat Ranch is up here in Highland Park, but something's happening down there on York.

00:01:20Marc:For two months, we've been watching.

00:01:21Marc:There's this bakery down there.

00:01:24Marc:ilsa's bakery where i used to go in and get um mexican cookies uh which are just different types of cinnamon bread things and macaroons had good macaroons and some old guy like looked like he was 100 years old i used to bake at that place and his son that looked like he's on uh polio crutches uh used to work there but they're still down there but they they seem to have like either sold off or rented off half of their of their space and

00:01:50Marc:And it was it's been under construction for like two months.

00:01:52Marc:It's painted.

00:01:53Marc:And as somebody who lives in the neighborhood and drives through it every day or drives by it every day, you're just sitting there going, what's that going to be?

00:02:00Marc:What's going to be down the street?

00:02:01Marc:Is that going to be good?

00:02:03Marc:Is it going to be a place that I can use?

00:02:05Marc:Is it a hair salon?

00:02:06Marc:But all of a sudden it starts to be revealed that this may be a restaurant.

00:02:09Marc:But it's it's about the size of my garage.

00:02:12Marc:And it was called Ba.

00:02:15Marc:They wrote on the name.

00:02:16Marc:There's a name on the wall of the place on the street.

00:02:19Marc:It just says Ba, B-A, Ba.

00:02:22Marc:And I still didn't know what the hell it was.

00:02:24Marc:Ba, what is that?

00:02:26Marc:Who names a place that?

00:02:27Marc:Ba, I don't know.

00:02:29Marc:And then I get an email out of nowhere.

00:02:31Marc:Some dude, guy named James says, hey, I just opened up this restaurant down the street called Ba.

00:02:36Ba.

00:02:37Marc:maybe you'd like to check it out.

00:02:40Marc:I'm a big fan of your show.

00:02:41Marc:We listened to it while we were building the place.

00:02:43Marc:You've kept us company.

00:02:45Marc:So I went down there the other night.

00:02:46Marc:Turns out this Cat James used to run with Anthony Bourdain back in the day, back in the old days of New York, back when things were racy and rock and roll, before the Food Network, before the chefs became rock stars, back when everyone was just dirty and covered in grease and walking around with their own knife.

00:03:07Marc:So he sent me and Jessica up, and we had a beautiful dinner down there.

00:03:10Marc:It's a very lovely place.

00:03:11Marc:It's very small.

00:03:12Marc:It looked like maybe 20 people.

00:03:15Marc:It's decorated very nicely, and you really feel like you've left the entire realm of Highland Park.

00:03:21Marc:I got to do an episode from right around here, from up in the hills.

00:03:25Marc:Maybe I can do it at Bah.

00:03:28Marc:It's not a plug.

00:03:29Marc:It's just my neighborhood.

00:03:30Marc:Things are changing.

00:03:32Marc:I'm ahead of the curve.

00:03:33Marc:When I got into this place, there was nothing up here.

00:03:36Marc:Houses were cheap, but maybe something's happening.

00:03:39Marc:Maybe I have something to do with that.

00:03:41Marc:Maybe I can... Please, bring your business to Highland Parks.

00:03:45Marc:Open up a groovy thingy.

00:03:47Marc:I am inviting you to start your groovy thingy.

00:03:50Marc:Maybe I'll open a restaurant.

00:03:51Marc:Fuck it.

00:03:52Marc:There's some groovy used clothing place down there now that's only open...

00:03:58Marc:on occasion when they feel like it there's a lot of real estate down there come down to the neighborhood take a chance there's a couple of dispensaries though so you've got that uh you've got that element here you've got your dispensaries you've got your mexican pet store and you've got bah i must i might have to really go into the hills maybe that's what i ought to do maybe that's my next move

00:04:23Marc:Do the podcast from a remote location.

00:04:26Marc:A tent of some kind.

00:04:27Marc:Maybe that's it.

00:04:29Marc:Why don't I just open a store and sell all the shit I have in the garage?

00:04:33Marc:God damn it.

00:04:33Marc:I can't.

00:04:34Marc:I'm done.

00:04:34Marc:I had to go look for some things from high school for a show.

00:04:39Marc:They asked me to find some artifacts from high school.

00:04:42Marc:I don't even know where that shit is.

00:04:44Marc:I think it's in storage.

00:04:46Marc:Why am I amassing this?

00:04:48Marc:But I think I found it.

00:04:49Marc:I think I figured out why I don't have a lot of pictures of myself.

00:04:53Marc:from a long time ago.

00:04:54Marc:There was a period there where I took a lot of pictures.

00:04:56Marc:I just went through a bunch of pictures.

00:04:58Marc:And I'm getting to that age where there's no way to look at any picture of yourself from more than 20 years ago without a tinge of melancholy, without a tinge of sadness.

00:05:11Marc:Like, look at that guy.

00:05:12Marc:He was so lost.

00:05:14Marc:And so wanting to be found smoking a cigarette, acting like he's somebody else.

00:05:19Marc:Look at that poor kid.

00:05:21Marc:How can I help him?

00:05:22Marc:Is there any way I can reach back into this picture and tell him, dude, quit being so hard on yourself.

00:05:27Marc:You're not going to figure anything out for another 25 fucking years, you dumb little shit.

00:05:32Marc:So quit trying so hard.

00:05:34Marc:God, if I could only reach into pictures.

00:05:37Marc:There's all these pictures of me trying different facial hairs, different haircuts, different glasses frames, different weights, different women.

00:05:46Marc:I lived a life.

00:05:47Marc:It's all right there in that metal box.

00:05:50Marc:Can I have a garage sale?

00:05:52Marc:How should I go about it?

00:05:53Marc:Should I have an eBay garage sale?

00:05:56Marc:How the hell should I do it?

00:05:57Marc:I can't really have everybody coming up to the house.

00:06:00Marc:Maybe I'll just go down the street.

00:06:01Marc:Maybe I'll do it on the street.

00:06:02Marc:Maybe I'll do it New York homeless style circa 1989.

00:06:07Marc:Just lay it all out there.

00:06:09Marc:Hang out on York.

00:06:11Marc:Maybe that's the angle.

00:06:14Marc:Maybe I should open up a podcast store.

00:06:16Marc:What does that even mean?

00:06:25Guest:I'm deeply distraught to be late today.

00:06:27Marc:I don't think you were that late.

00:06:29Guest:Ten minutes is too late.

00:06:31Guest:If you're not 15 minutes early, you're late.

00:06:33Guest:How's that?

00:06:34Marc:I'm with that.

00:06:35Marc:I can, yeah.

00:06:36Marc:I mean, I was... I was early.

00:06:38Marc:15 minutes early?

00:06:41Marc:Yeah, but I didn't come here.

00:06:42Marc:I went to a farmer's market and got some coffee.

00:06:46Marc:But there's more coffee.

00:06:47Marc:I can drink coffee all day long, Craig.

00:06:49Guest:That's something I aspire to.

00:06:52Marc:I think I once saw you driving in a vintage Bronco.

00:06:55Marc:Was that possible?

00:06:56Guest:Yeah, it's true.

00:06:56Guest:I got it from Danny Bonaduce.

00:06:59Guest:That carpet in that Bronco.

00:07:00Guest:Danny was using it when he was... Using?

00:07:03Guest:Yeah.

00:07:04Guest:I always thought the carpet in that... I still have that car.

00:07:07Guest:I thought if ever I run out of money, I'll...

00:07:09Guest:Get the carpet, chop it up, sell it in little baggies.

00:07:11Guest:It probably has a street value of about $30,000.

00:07:14Marc:Sure, if you've got some sort of smell.

00:07:16Marc:Yeah, burn it down, melt it, extract.

00:07:18Guest:There's stuff in there.

00:07:19Marc:Yeah, I'm sure.

00:07:20Guest:It's probably like angel dust and drugs that used to have.

00:07:23Guest:The high-grade stuff.

00:07:25Marc:Old school.

00:07:26Guest:Yeah, old school.

00:07:27Guest:What was angel dust?

00:07:28Guest:I never took angel dust.

00:07:29Marc:I think it was a horse tranquilizer, perhaps, or something like that.

00:07:31Marc:It was either an insecticide or a horse tranquilizer.

00:07:34Marc:That was not your thing.

00:07:35Marc:I think I might have taken it by accident once.

00:07:38Guest:Didn't it make you... It made me want to continue to be a comedian.

00:07:42Marc:It was years ago.

00:07:43Guest:That was pretty strong.

00:07:44Guest:That's pretty strong shit.

00:07:47Guest:I don't know what happened.

00:07:48Guest:I guess we're working now, right?

00:07:49Marc:We're always working.

00:07:50Marc:It doesn't need to change anything.

00:07:52Marc:No, it doesn't.

00:07:53Marc:What, are you tired?

00:07:53Guest:A little bit.

00:07:55Guest:You know, I just spent an hour in the company of my beautiful ex-wife.

00:08:00Guest:Oh, fuck.

00:08:01Guest:Well, she's all right.

00:08:02Guest:She's okay.

00:08:03Guest:She's not a bad person.

00:08:04Guest:You're being diplomatic.

00:08:05Marc:Yeah.

00:08:05Marc:Yeah, I am.

00:08:07Marc:Because you're on a microphone.

00:08:09Guest:Who would know?

00:08:10Guest:No, you know, it's a long time ago.

00:08:11Guest:I mean, we divorced a long time ago.

00:08:12Guest:It's just, you know, things got to be taken care of.

00:08:15Guest:You got a kid with her?

00:08:17Guest:Yeah.

00:08:17Guest:How many?

00:08:18Guest:One with her.

00:08:19Guest:How old is he?

00:08:20Guest:He's 10.

00:08:20Marc:Oh, so they're young still.

00:08:22Guest:Yeah.

00:08:23Marc:How long were you married?

00:08:24Guest:Six years.

00:08:26Marc:And you were together for?

00:08:27Guest:Ten.

00:08:28Marc:And that was it?

00:08:29Guest:That was it.

00:08:30Guest:Bad?

00:08:31Guest:No.

00:08:32Guest:I mean, no divorce is easy, but it's all right.

00:08:35Marc:Yeah, I had that too.

00:08:36Marc:I have no kids, though.

00:08:37Marc:Two divorces.

00:08:37Marc:Two divorces, no kids.

00:08:39Guest:See, then you haven't been divorced.

00:08:41Guest:It doesn't count.

00:08:42Guest:You know, like, who gets the CDs and stuff?

00:08:45Guest:That's not a divorce.

00:08:46Guest:Fuck.

00:08:46Marc:What about heartbreak?

00:08:47Marc:What about heartbreak?

00:08:49Guest:I'm not talking about barter.

00:08:50Guest:We're not talking about money.

00:08:52Guest:That's not even part of it.

00:08:53Guest:That's just like the heartbreak is just that's what happens before the divorce.

00:08:58Guest:Right.

00:08:59Guest:Right.

00:08:59Guest:But the divorce itself.

00:09:00Marc:Well, I don't know.

00:09:01Marc:Maybe you guys decided on yours or you were the one to leave.

00:09:04Guest:No, no, no.

00:09:05Marc:She left you?

00:09:07Guest:I left the house, but she made me go.

00:09:10Marc:Did you do something?

00:09:12Guest:No, we just ran out of steam.

00:09:14Guest:She really is all right, actually.

00:09:16Guest:She's okay.

00:09:17Marc:So there's no heartbreak there.

00:09:18Marc:That just seems like the beginning of a negotiating process, running out of steam.

00:09:22Marc:Yeah, I guess.

00:09:24Marc:She's all right, though.

00:09:25Guest:She's all right now.

00:09:26Guest:Yeah, I mean, we've been divorced for eight years.

00:09:28Marc:Took her that long to recover from it?

00:09:30Guest:Yeah, kind of.

00:09:31Marc:You just sapped her?

00:09:32Marc:You drained her of her life force?

00:09:33Guest:Yeah, that's right.

00:09:34Guest:It was all my fault.

00:09:36Guest:It was all my fault.

00:09:38Guest:Oh, my.

00:09:38Marc:So, all right.

00:09:39Marc:So now you've got your shoes off.

00:09:41Guest:Your feet are here.

00:09:41Guest:Yeah, my feet are here.

00:09:42Guest:Sorry, is that... I want you to be comfortable.

00:09:44Guest:Do you have a feet thing?

00:09:45Guest:I just want to... Do you have a feet thing?

00:09:47Marc:No.

00:09:47Guest:Like women's feet?

00:09:48Guest:No.

00:09:49Guest:You?

00:09:49Guest:Really?

00:09:49Marc:No, you strike me as being a guy who would maybe have a feet... I'm very practical when it comes to sex.

00:09:54Marc:So just vaginas then?

00:09:56Marc:Vaginas and ears.

00:09:58Guest:That's no problem.

00:09:59Marc:Not ears, no.

00:10:00Marc:Just vaginas.

00:10:01Marc:I like everything involved, but I don't go out of my way to focus on any.

00:10:07Marc:I like boobs.

00:10:09Marc:I like butts.

00:10:10Marc:Feet, no.

00:10:11Marc:No?

00:10:11Marc:You?

00:10:12Guest:depends on the foot i guess you know does it really you found have you found yourself with a foot in your mouth before and happy about that no i haven't gone much like you i haven't gone i haven't set out to get the foot in my mouth right one ends up in my mouth while i'm on the way sure sure sometimes it's a kind of i guess this is happening right yeah then that's fine it's like oh my mother all right fine as long as we get to the other place if i got to start here

00:10:35Guest:Yeah, if this is what's needed, that's fine.

00:10:38Guest:You know, there's always some kind of something.

00:10:41Marc:Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to stick with this, but if this is what's needed in this situation.

00:10:45Marc:Were you... You weren't always a comic.

00:10:50Um...

00:10:51Guest:I guess not.

00:10:53Guest:I mean, kind of my adult life I have been.

00:10:55Marc:Yeah?

00:10:56Marc:You always did stand-up?

00:10:58Guest:Since I was about 19, yeah.

00:11:00Marc:All right, can I ask you something before we get into the proper interview?

00:11:03Marc:Now, the first time I did your show, you weren't there.

00:11:07Guest:Yeah, that's happened during interviews as well.

00:11:10Guest:No, I didn't feel that the second time.

00:11:13Marc:I've never seen you not be present during an interview.

00:11:15Marc:If anything, you're ever present.

00:11:17Guest:Well, you know.

00:11:17Marc:Not critical, you know.

00:11:19Marc:Yeah, I guess.

00:11:20Guest:No, I wasn't there.

00:11:21Guest:You know, a lot of the times the comics get done...

00:11:24Marc:uh out of sequence right but did but you just kind of like it was interesting i've never had that experience before i've done a lot of late night shows where i'm about to go on and the host says good luck and leaves the building yeah well you know i i have kids i gotta get home oh is that it yeah that's it how old's your second kid uh he's only a year old are you still married to that woman yes i am so you've only been divorced once uh well technically twice

00:11:49Marc:Where's the missing one?

00:11:51Guest:I was married in Scotland when I was 21, and we got divorced when I was 23.

00:11:57Marc:What led to that marriage?

00:12:00Guest:Alcohol, I think.

00:12:02Marc:So what part of Scotland did you grow up in?

00:12:04Guest:Glasgow.

00:12:05Marc:That's a rough town, man.

00:12:06Guest:Well, actually, I didn't really grow up in Glasgow.

00:12:08Guest:I grew up in Cumbernauld, which is an extra rougher, more unpleasant suburb of a rough town.

00:12:16Marc:I was in Glasgow for maybe a week doing a comedy festival, and I've never seen such a celebration of public vomiting in my life.

00:12:22Guest:You should see London, the central London, Soho, any night of the week.

00:12:28Guest:There's actually more vomit there.

00:12:30Guest:I think the epicenter of all vomit activity.

00:12:34Guest:UK vomit?

00:12:35Guest:Probably.

00:12:35Guest:Well, I'd say European vomit.

00:12:37Guest:Oh, no kidding.

00:12:39Guest:And maybe even, although Boston does very well with vomit on the weekend, I think London beats it.

00:12:44Marc:But you think it's maybe a global, international first place competitor.

00:12:48Guest:I think it's right up there.

00:12:49Guest:I think it was part of the Olympics bid.

00:12:51Marc:Yeah, for the vomit.

00:12:53Guest:Yeah.

00:12:55Marc:But I can't imagine what it was like to grow up in Scotland.

00:13:00Marc:It was fucking terrible.

00:13:01Marc:Because I don't have any sense of it.

00:13:03Guest:I think it was good for some people.

00:13:06Guest:And I think some people of different personality types than mine probably handled it very well.

00:13:11Guest:But I...

00:13:12Guest:I found it very unpleasant.

00:13:14Marc:Yeah, and what kind of racket was your folks in?

00:13:17Guest:My dad worked in the post office for 45 years.

00:13:22Marc:Oh, my God.

00:13:22Guest:Yeah.

00:13:23Marc:What, just as a carrier?

00:13:25Guest:No, he did that for a while, but he became like a suit-wearing boss by the end of it.

00:13:30Guest:Telling people where to put the mail?

00:13:32Guest:Yeah, yeah, telling the guys who were carrying the mail what they should be doing.

00:13:36Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:13:38Guest:And, you know, handling, you know, continents of mail, not just bags of mail.

00:13:43Guest:Huge trucks.

00:13:44Guest:All those trucks of mail all over there.

00:13:46Guest:So he did very well.

00:13:48Guest:And my mother was a grade school teacher.

00:13:51Marc:So your father was a government worker.

00:13:54Marc:Yeah.

00:13:55Marc:He's got a pension, looking forward to retirement.

00:13:56Guest:No, my folks weren't.

00:13:58Guest:I mean, there wasn't much money when I was a kid.

00:14:00Guest:But by the time I was...

00:14:01Guest:My mid to late teens, they were doing pretty good.

00:14:04Guest:They were like, they moved to a house that they owned.

00:14:07Guest:And, you know, my dad had a car, which his first new car, I remember he bought was, it was still the Soviet Union.

00:14:16Guest:Yeah.

00:14:17Guest:And, you know, they were selling off these, what were they called?

00:14:22Guest:Lada?

00:14:24Guest:I think it was a Lada.

00:14:25Guest:It was either a Soviet car or some kind of Polish car, but it was the first brand new car he had when I was in my mid-teens.

00:14:31Marc:But it was definitely a communist car.

00:14:33Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:14:34Guest:It was bright orange, though.

00:14:35Guest:I do remember that.

00:14:36Guest:And it was, I mean, I think it cost like 500 bucks or something.

00:14:39Guest:It was brand new.

00:14:40Marc:Yeah.

00:14:41Marc:Brand new.

00:14:41Marc:So what was their big plan for you in there when they, in what, Cumberland, you said?

00:14:46Marc:Cumbernauld.

00:14:47Marc:Cumbernauld.

00:14:48Marc:And that was some sort of, what, housing complex?

00:14:50Guest:Yeah, it's kind of, it's hard to describe it.

00:14:53Guest:It's a little bit like, if you've ever been in one of the larger East European block cities, like, you know, Gdansk or Moscow, even on the outskirts of these cities, they have vast tracts of public housing.

00:15:08Marc:Right.

00:15:09Guest:That's kind of what Cumbernauld is or was.

00:15:11Marc:And how'd they end up there?

00:15:13Guest:Because there was cheap housing there when they were newly married.

00:15:19Marc:Right.

00:15:19Guest:And they had four kids.

00:15:21Marc:Jeez.

00:15:21Marc:And it was probably just post-war kind of thing?

00:15:25Guest:Yeah, well, I was born in 62.

00:15:26Guest:62?

00:15:26Guest:Are you serious?

00:15:28Guest:Yeah.

00:15:29Marc:Yeah, why?

00:15:30Marc:I was born in 63.

00:15:32Marc:So I'm older than you?

00:15:32Guest:A year older than me.

00:15:33Guest:Are you judging me?

00:15:34Guest:Yeah, a little bit.

00:15:35Marc:Why?

00:15:36Marc:I don't know.

00:15:37Guest:You don't think I'm older than you?

00:15:38Guest:I think I look a lot older than you.

00:15:39Marc:Well, I'm not going to say anything.

00:15:40Marc:I think you look fine.

00:15:42Guest:You're being diplomatic.

00:15:43Marc:I am.

00:15:43Marc:You have a fragile show business ego.

00:15:45Marc:I don't want to push any buttons.

00:15:45Guest:I don't know how fragile mine is.

00:15:47Guest:Is yours fragile?

00:15:48Guest:Yeah, I'm very sensitive.

00:15:49Guest:Really?

00:15:49Guest:Yeah.

00:15:49Guest:I don't know.

00:15:50Guest:I used to be.

00:15:50Guest:I think this show was taking care of that.

00:15:52Guest:Yeah?

00:15:53Guest:Yeah, it's been kind of demystified.

00:15:55Guest:What?

00:15:55Guest:A little bit.

00:15:56Guest:It's beaten out of you?

00:15:57Guest:Well, a little bit.

00:15:58Guest:I mean, people are so fucking mean.

00:16:00Guest:They are, right?

00:16:01Guest:When you start doing a show like this.

00:16:02Guest:Yeah.

00:16:02Guest:Like the first- The late show.

00:16:04Guest:Yeah, but the first year- Who the fuck is this guy?

00:16:07Guest:Yeah.

00:16:07Guest:Why doesn't he go home?

00:16:08Guest:Yeah, fuck you.

00:16:09Guest:You know-

00:16:10Guest:Well, I don't understand him.

00:16:12Guest:He's a douche.

00:16:13Guest:Is he gay?

00:16:13Guest:No, it's his accent.

00:16:14Guest:What the fuck?

00:16:15Guest:Everything.

00:16:16Marc:And I guess the way you transcended that was not going to the chat boards.

00:16:21Guest:Not going to what?

00:16:22Marc:Don't go to the comment sections.

00:16:23Guest:Well, yeah, that takes a little longer.

00:16:25Guest:That takes about three years.

00:16:26Marc:Thank you, Aaron.

00:16:27Marc:How do you drink your coffee?

00:16:28Guest:I drink the lattes.

00:16:31Marc:You do?

00:16:31Guest:I do, but they're nonfat.

00:16:33Marc:No, I thought I'd take you for something.

00:16:35Marc:Maybe you're a latte guy, all right.

00:16:36Guest:Well, what do you think?

00:16:37Guest:You thought I was black coffee?

00:16:38Marc:I drink black coffee.

00:16:39Marc:Well, it's because you're exciting.

00:16:42Guest:Yeah, I don't know.

00:16:42Guest:I think you were probably, if you were in a comic, you'd have been a detective.

00:16:45Marc:No, I don't think so.

00:16:47Guest:Yeah, an unusual detective.

00:16:49Marc:Yes, where I was just trying to figure myself out.

00:16:52Guest:No, no, I think you would figure yourself out.

00:16:54Guest:And that's the kind of detectives that do well on TV.

00:16:57Guest:You'd be a detective, and you'd be insecure about shit, worried about what other detectives think of you on your websites and stuff.

00:17:05Guest:But ultimately, you'd get there in the end.

00:17:08Guest:And you'd be like, oh, just one more question.

00:17:12Marc:Right, right.

00:17:13Marc:I don't mean to bother you.

00:17:13Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:14Guest:My wife loves your shirt.

00:17:15Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:16Marc:Exactly.

00:17:17Marc:Columbo, I think he was called.

00:17:20Marc:You're telling me I'd be Columbo.

00:17:22Guest:I'm saying you could be like a postmodern Columbo.

00:17:24Guest:I'm not saying like you need to wear the coat or anything or have the eyebrows, but you could kind of do it.

00:17:30Marc:Are we writing a show?

00:17:31Guest:I'm thinking... You've got a production company, don't you?

00:17:33Guest:I've got a production company.

00:17:34Guest:Maybe we should make a call.

00:17:36Guest:I think you'd be good at that.

00:17:37Marc:You have a deal with CBS?

00:17:38Guest:Of course I do.

00:17:38Marc:A first book deal?

00:17:39Marc:Yeah.

00:17:40Marc:Get someone on the phone.

00:17:41Marc:Let's bring them down here.

00:17:42Marc:I've never done an episode like that.

00:17:43Marc:They'll probably come over.

00:17:44Marc:We improvise a show pitch to some executives.

00:17:48Guest:I think it would work.

00:17:49Guest:I do think it would work.

00:17:51Guest:I think you as a detective and maybe me as your boss.

00:17:55Guest:Yeah.

00:17:56Guest:In real life, not on the show.

00:17:58Guest:Like, it would be my production company, and I'd say, hey.

00:18:00Marc:Well, I like the idea of you as my boss on the show.

00:18:02Marc:No, I don't want to.

00:18:03Marc:What would that dynamic be?

00:18:04Guest:No, I don't want to be that.

00:18:05Marc:Haven't you solved it yet, Maren, in a Scottish accent?

00:18:07Guest:Well, I could say, like, when I could pretend, well, we could be, like, I could be your boss on loan from Scotland Yard.

00:18:14Marc:Oh, shit.

00:18:16Marc:And it starts because we have to solve an international case.

00:18:18Guest:Right.

00:18:18Guest:It's an international crime.

00:18:19Guest:And I'm like, oh, do come along, Meryl.

00:18:22Guest:Put on your trousers.

00:18:23Guest:Let's go solve this crime.

00:18:24Guest:Is that how you're going to dress?

00:18:25Guest:I don't speak your limey dish bag language.

00:18:27Guest:And I'll be like, oh, now, do you enjoy tea?

00:18:30Guest:Look, a murderer.

00:18:31Marc:It worked well.

00:18:32Marc:Would you say things like, that's not the proper way to question it?

00:18:35Guest:That's right.

00:18:35Guest:You question like this.

00:18:36Guest:I say, where were you, inspector?

00:18:39Guest:We'd be smoking a pipe and wearing a hat.

00:18:41Guest:Nah, it's too on the nose.

00:18:43Guest:I'd be smoking a hat and wearing a pipe.

00:18:46Guest:Oh, shit.

00:18:48Guest:I'd be my... That's that absurd imagination you have.

00:18:50Guest:I'd be deconstructing.

00:18:51Marc:Yeah, I think it's fucking brilliant.

00:18:53Marc:And I'd be naked, I think.

00:18:54Guest:That's too much.

00:18:55Guest:That's cable.

00:18:56Guest:We're still talking about CBS.

00:18:57Marc:Oh, that's right.

00:18:58Marc:I thought maybe we could produce it here and sell it to Showtime.

00:19:00Guest:Oh, no.

00:19:01Guest:No, it doesn't work that way?

00:19:02Guest:Let it go.

00:19:02Guest:I'm over it.

00:19:05Marc:like i'm not doing let's go back to uh i quit the show i just quit the show i quit i quit the show i never did with now i'm fucking hung out to drag you renegotiate your contract yeah that's it you're done because i showed up on set naked once yeah that's it you didn't talk to change things all right so let's let's get to the drinking part oh god i thought you'd never ask no but what was the uh what was your parents plan for you i mean what were you heading towards

00:19:28Guest:I think what they would have liked is if I had gone some kind of trade in the shipyards or something, like a welder or an electrician or something like that.

00:19:36Guest:Did you start going that direction?

00:19:38Guest:Yeah, I did, yeah.

00:19:41Guest:I worked at an American factory called Burroughs Machines.

00:19:44Marc:Burroughs Machines.

00:19:44Marc:Yeah.

00:19:45Marc:That's the Burroughs family.

00:19:46Guest:Yeah, it was the Burroughs family.

00:19:47Guest:It was William Burroughs family.

00:19:48Guest:A distant cousin.

00:19:49Guest:Distant, yeah.

00:19:50Guest:I mean, there were some hallucinogenics taken when I was working there.

00:19:54Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:19:54Guest:But not by any members of the Burroughs family.

00:19:57Guest:Only by me and a couple of other apprentices.

00:19:58Marc:But you did look at the factory slogan there, the brand name, Burroughs.

00:20:03Guest:Burroughs.

00:20:04Guest:And thought, well, hallucinogens will be required.

00:20:08Guest:Maybe a heroin habit.

00:20:10Guest:Yeah.

00:20:10Guest:So I did work for them for a couple of years as a trainee electronics technician.

00:20:15Marc:Did you carry any of that into your adult life?

00:20:18Marc:Can you fix shit?

00:20:19Guest:No.

00:20:20Marc:No, I can't.

00:20:21Guest:I can fly airplanes, but I learned that much later on.

00:20:23Guest:But that's new, isn't it?

00:20:24Marc:Huh?

00:20:25Marc:That's new, right?

00:20:25Guest:Yeah.

00:20:25Guest:Yeah, yeah, that's much later on.

00:20:27Guest:But I wonder if that's not connected in some way, like I desire.

00:20:30Guest:There's a great deal of order required in both of them, and there are absolute rules, and that's different to show business.

00:20:36Guest:So I guess that's what was kind of attractive.

00:20:38Marc:So are you a latent control freak of some kind?

00:20:41Guest:I don't think there's anything latent about it.

00:20:44Guest:I think that the control freak thing, though, is...

00:20:48Guest:Hey, Aaron, can you close that door, please?

00:20:52Guest:See, I said, please.

00:20:53Guest:See, I'm like, thanks, Aaron.

00:20:55Guest:Thank you.

00:20:57Guest:So I think that...

00:21:00Guest:Control, because there's so little of it in show, but you know what it is.

00:21:03Guest:There's so little control.

00:21:04Guest:What you can control is how you handle the audience.

00:21:07Guest:Right.

00:21:07Guest:That's what you get to control.

00:21:09Guest:And everything else you don't know what the fuck's going to happen.

00:21:12Marc:You don't have that much freedom on your show?

00:21:14Guest:On this show?

00:21:15Guest:Yeah.

00:21:15Guest:Yeah, a lot.

00:21:17Guest:Especially as time goes on.

00:21:18Guest:The longer I'm on the air...

00:21:20Guest:the more they just don't know what to do.

00:21:23Guest:They let you do stuff.

00:21:25Guest:The thing is, the network world was kind of like that.

00:21:27Guest:They've always been very cool with me.

00:21:29Guest:Why?

00:21:30Guest:I think because I knew Les before I came here.

00:21:34Marc:Moonves, the head of CBS.

00:21:36Guest:Yeah, Moonves, he hired me at Warner Brothers for the Drew Carey show.

00:21:40Guest:It was like one of my first jobs when I came to America.

00:21:42Guest:So when I went up for this job,

00:21:45Guest:I kind of had a... We had a kind of pre-existing relationship.

00:21:50Guest:And he was... Because he's been in... He's actually very cool.

00:21:54Guest:Guys who are at the very top are usually pretty cool.

00:21:56Guest:It's the ones in the middle who are a pain in the ass.

00:21:58Marc:Yeah, the frightened ones.

00:21:59Guest:Yeah, because they're frightened that the guy at the top is going to give them a hard time.

00:22:02Guest:But the guys who are actually not...

00:22:04Guest:You know, worried about that.

00:22:05Guest:They tend to be pretty cool.

00:22:05Guest:So he was always very cool.

00:22:07Guest:And Letterman was completely hands off about the whole thing.

00:22:09Guest:He didn't really care, I don't think, as long as it didn't embarrass him in some way.

00:22:14Marc:What's the relationship there?

00:22:14Marc:He just has say over the time slot?

00:22:16Marc:Who, Dave?

00:22:17Guest:Yeah.

00:22:18Guest:Dave's company owns the production company that makes the show.

00:22:22Guest:That's the relationship.

00:22:22Guest:and you don't you don't deal with him at all no i mean i see dave when i go to new york but like because you have to like hey no no not really i do the show yeah i mean it's dave it's david larriman he's a comedy icon i mean right and he's not that accessible really no i don't i don't hang out with yeah but i don't know how many people do that's right yeah but do you feel like you're next in line or what

00:22:45Guest:Oh, no, I don't want to get into that.

00:22:49Guest:See, I think when I watched what happened to Conan and all of that stuff, you think, be careful with what you try and get and what you wish for, you know?

00:22:58Guest:I mean, it led to such unhappiness for everybody.

00:23:02Guest:I think the desire for, I mean, they pay me pretty good to do this show and I get to do what I want.

00:23:07Guest:And I think having ambitions for Dave's crown is not really a way to happiness for me.

00:23:14Marc:Well, no, but not necessarily ambitions.

00:23:16Marc:But I mean, obviously the conversations are had.

00:23:19Marc:I mean, I'm just saying whether it's an ambition or not, is the conversation there?

00:23:26Guest:No, really.

00:23:29Guest:I think the conversations are had, but not with me in the room.

00:23:32Guest:I'm guessing they've been had, but they've not been had.

00:23:34Guest:Would you do the job?

00:23:36Guest:No.

00:23:37Guest:No, I don't think I would.

00:23:39Guest:Too much pressure?

00:23:40Guest:I would do it if they'd let me do what I do, but I wouldn't want to have happen to me what happened to Conan on The Tonight Show.

00:23:48Guest:I wouldn't want that.

00:23:49Guest:Right.

00:23:50Guest:You know, where he got...

00:23:52Guest:He tried to make a different show and it made him unhappy and ultimately unsuccessful.

00:23:57Guest:I wouldn't want to do that.

00:23:59Marc:Well, it'd be interesting because, not unlike Conan's old show, your audience is like 10 people.

00:24:05Guest:Yeah, that's right.

00:24:05Guest:Yeah, it's very interesting.

00:24:07Guest:Not even on some nights, I think.

00:24:09Marc:Yeah, it's like five or six people.

00:24:10Guest:If you're on, then I lose most of them.

00:24:14Guest:Then it's just your family.

00:24:16Guest:Right, just the people I brought.

00:24:18Marc:Well, that was comfortable for me.

00:24:19Guest:It doesn't matter to me as long as CBS are cool.

00:24:22Guest:As long as the robot's still plugged in and the horse still runs out.

00:24:27Guest:You left anyways.

00:24:28Guest:I wasn't there.

00:24:33Guest:I wasn't even watching.

00:24:34Guest:Yeah, you took off, man.

00:24:35Marc:And then when they cut it in, you acted like, yeah, okay, thank you.

00:24:40Guest:Did I do finger pistols at you?

00:24:41Guest:That's how you know.

00:24:42Guest:Oh, no.

00:24:42Marc:Is that your trick?

00:24:44Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:24:44Guest:I do finger pistols off camera.

00:24:47Guest:If you want to look like my buddy on the show when you record your comedy bit, do finger pistols.

00:24:52Guest:I do finger it at the end?

00:24:53Guest:Okay.

00:24:54Guest:Gives me a nice cut and edit point.

00:24:56Marc:So you started on the Drew Carey Show, but going back, just after you got done, when you quit your life, done electrical work, did you even go to college?

00:25:05Marc:No.

00:25:06Marc:What happened after that?

00:25:07Guest:I was drinking all through high school.

00:25:11Guest:Right.

00:25:11Guest:I mean, we all... Sure.

00:25:13Guest:It's part of it, right?

00:25:14Guest:Yeah.

00:25:15Guest:Being Scottish?

00:25:15Guest:Yeah.

00:25:16Guest:Is that wrong of me to say?

00:25:17Guest:No, I think it's ingrained in the culture.

00:25:19Guest:And I think it's a very... Not for everyone.

00:25:24Guest:I mean, I hate to give the idea that all Scottish people are as fucked up as I am.

00:25:28Guest:That's not true.

00:25:29Guest:You know, there are some fabulously gifted, talented people.

00:25:33Guest:I just wasn't.

00:25:34Guest:You're obviously talented.

00:25:36Guest:Sure, in an unusual way for someone of my socioeconomic group of that time to be.

00:25:44Guest:I mean, I had a talent which was completely fucking worthless.

00:25:47Guest:There were no comedy clubs.

00:25:48Guest:There was no outlet for it other than it was a survival technique.

00:25:53Guest:It wasn't really a...

00:25:56Guest:career choice right and what happened was that when I because I played drums and said my older brother had a drum kit so it was in the house and I play it he got bored with it and I continued to play with it and then I joined band the punk rock happened when I was 15 and everybody was in a fucking band everybody so I and I had a drum kit so I got to be in any band I wanted to be in because most people didn't have drum could you play

00:26:20Guest:Yeah, I'm okay.

00:26:23Guest:And then I go into bands in Glasgow, which is a slightly bigger deal.

00:26:27Guest:These bands were playing gigs and had a van and were touring and playing in London.

00:26:34Guest:Did you make records?

00:26:35Guest:Yeah, I made a couple bad ones.

00:26:37Guest:Which ones?

00:26:37Guest:Which band?

00:26:38Guest:Independent records.

00:26:39Guest:Oh, God.

00:26:40Guest:There were a band called Exposure.

00:26:43Guest:Yeah.

00:26:44Guest:And a band called the Dream Boys.

00:26:47Guest:But this was before Naked Stripper, Mind Stripper, Dream Boys.

00:26:50Guest:It was more H.P.

00:26:51Guest:Lovecraft.

00:26:52Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:26:53Guest:Gothic.

00:26:54Guest:Gothic, yeah.

00:26:55Guest:Kind of even...

00:26:56Guest:You can't be pre-Gothic if you're in this century, but you know what I'm talking about.

00:27:01Marc:Was it hardcore punk or just... Well, I don't know.

00:27:04Guest:I mean, it was actual punk rock.

00:27:05Guest:It hadn't taken hold as being this kind of subsection that it is now.

00:27:09Guest:It was beginning.

00:27:11Guest:Right, no, right, sure.

00:27:12Guest:So there was a kind of outcast feel to it.

00:27:15Guest:It was...

00:27:15Guest:it was really for snotty fucking losers is what punk was for and it really worked for me you know now it's kind of like it's almost like a fashion choice I think sure I mean it became it got integrated later yeah sure everything does but for a while there it wasn't and I think it got me at a very pivotal point in my life because you know instead of love and peace it was hate and war instead of you know it was like fuck everything anybody over you know 20 is not to be trusted all that did you feel that were you angry guy

00:27:45Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:27:46Marc:Really?

00:27:46Guest:Yes.

00:27:47Guest:Yes, of course.

00:27:48Marc:Full of the hate?

00:27:49Marc:Yeah.

00:27:49Marc:Did you kick some ass?

00:27:50Marc:Did you beat some people up?

00:27:52Guest:I think I probably, on balance, was beat up more than I did any beating up.

00:27:58Guest:I hit a few people pretty hard, but I got beat up pretty good.

00:28:01Marc:It seems like fighting is part of that whole thing, being Scottish.

00:28:04Guest:Fighting and whiskey kind of goes together.

00:28:06Guest:I mean, if tequila is a particular madness, whiskey, for me, certainly whiskey was a fight.

00:28:13Guest:You drink whiskey, you go fighting.

00:28:15Guest:Really?

00:28:15Guest:That's the way it felt, yeah.

00:28:17Guest:But you usually got your ass kicked?

00:28:19Guest:Yeah, I'd say 60, 40.

00:28:22Guest:What was your whiskey?

00:28:23Guest:Well, I ended up, I mean, I would drink blended whiskeys when I was a punk kid, but when I had my chance, I would drink Highland Park.

00:28:31Guest:You ever drink Highland Park?

00:28:32Guest:Uh-uh.

00:28:32Guest:It's a whiskey made in Orkney, which are islands off the north coast of Scotland.

00:28:37Guest:Had you been there?

00:28:38Guest:Yeah, I've been there, yeah.

00:28:39Marc:You went to the factory?

00:28:40Guest:Yeah.

00:28:40Guest:No, I never went there.

00:28:41Guest:By the time I went there, it wasn't a good idea for me to go to the factory.

00:28:45Guest:I want to see the guy that makes my thing.

00:28:47Guest:Yeah, no, I didn't.

00:28:49Guest:But if I was going at that point, I'd say, I want to see the guy that was trying to kill me.

00:28:54Guest:But no, I drank whiskey and I drank beer and just got all fucked up.

00:29:02Guest:But anyway, that's how I kind of drifted into show business, because of the punk rock thing.

00:29:07Guest:That's what opened the door in a weird way.

00:29:09Guest:How so?

00:29:10Guest:Because it was an acceptable form of show business for working class boys.

00:29:15Guest:And nothing really was before that.

00:29:17Guest:You couldn't say to someone, I want to be an actor.

00:29:19Guest:You'd get your fucking head kicked in.

00:29:20Guest:Right.

00:29:21Guest:You know, this is before fucking train spotting or any of that.

00:29:23Guest:It's not before James Bond.

00:29:25Guest:no it's not before james bond but i mean sean connery went to london and was dancing on the stage of right so the idea so that would be worse to say that would be terrible yeah but but the thing is that's why sean connery is so fucking tough because he became an actor yeah out of a tough neighborhood in edinburgh yeah in the 19 well he was what 1950s when he came yeah yeah that would be fucking bad

00:29:50Marc:Yeah, you couldn't sell that.

00:29:51Guest:I want to dance and then perhaps... Yeah, I'd like to be on the stage doing South Pacific.

00:29:56Guest:There is nothing like a dame.

00:29:58Guest:That's what he was doing.

00:30:01Guest:You can't imagine it, but that's what it was.

00:30:03Guest:Like that big hairy man.

00:30:04Marc:Is that an easier impression to do for you because you're Scottish?

00:30:10Guest:Oh, it's... Is it just a tweak?

00:30:11Guest:It's in the curriculum, isn't it?

00:30:13Guest:Yeah, you learn it in second grade in Scotland.

00:30:15Guest:Yeah.

00:30:15Guest:Sean Connery and Michael Caine.

00:30:18Marc:Is Michael Caine Scottish?

00:30:19Guest:Easy, very easy.

00:30:19Guest:I don't know why.

00:30:20Guest:Just simple, easy, very easy to do.

00:30:23Guest:Fish, bush, diggly-dong, bing, splash.

00:30:26Guest:There you go, bush.

00:30:28Guest:All right, Batman.

00:30:29Marc:He's so good.

00:30:31Marc:The two of them and the men who would be king.

00:30:33Guest:Best fucking movie.

00:30:35Guest:You know, though, when they were trying to make that, when John Huston was trying to make that movie, he started off with Errol Flynn and Humphrey Bogart.

00:30:42Guest:That's how long it fucking took him to make that movie.

00:30:45Marc:It's a weird movie because it's really like a strange Freemason movie.

00:30:49Marc:Yeah, it is.

00:30:50Marc:Like it's a secret society movie.

00:30:52Marc:It's like, and they trace it all the way back.

00:30:55Marc:It's great.

00:30:56Marc:It's a fantastic movie.

00:30:57Guest:The end of that movie is awesome.

00:30:59Guest:Yeah, when they sing on the bridge.

00:31:02Guest:Yeah, he sings on the bridge and then Michael Caine gets the head.

00:31:08Guest:He gets the head.

00:31:10Guest:Brings it back.

00:31:10Guest:Yeah, that's right.

00:31:12Guest:Ten shillings was ten shillings to pint Major McCrinnan.

00:31:16Marc:So just, all right, so how did you get started doing comedy in a punk band outside of the ironic part of it?

00:31:22Guest:Well, you see, here's the thing.

00:31:24Guest:At the same time as punk rock, there was this kind of slight, it was kind of a movement called alternative comedy in Britain.

00:31:32Guest:And it was different a little bit than what they call alternative comedy.

00:31:35Marc:As older as before, it was, who were they?

00:31:37Marc:Not Simon Munnery.

00:31:38Guest:It was... It was Alexi Sale and Rick Mayle and Ade Edmondson and...

00:31:46Guest:The 70s?

00:31:47Guest:Late 70s?

00:31:48Guest:Late 70s, yeah.

00:31:50Guest:Now, these guys are all about five or six years older than me, which means nothing now, but meant a lot then.

00:31:54Guest:So they were in their early 20s, and I was in my teens.

00:31:57Marc:So they were kind of doing the sort of punk rock equivalent of comedy.

00:32:00Guest:Right.

00:32:01Guest:It was very informed by punk rock.

00:32:04Guest:And so it led to shows like The Young Ones and that kind of thing.

00:32:09Guest:But it was...

00:32:12Guest:That was how it happened because in in punk rock or in music circles then

00:32:19Guest:There was a great love of the idea of some kind of anarchic comedy.

00:32:24Guest:And so a lot of times bands would be introduced by comedians.

00:32:28Guest:And that's kind of how I started.

00:32:32Marc:You said you could do that?

00:32:33Marc:You thought in your head?

00:32:34Guest:No, the rest of the band thought I could do it.

00:32:36Guest:I actually would never have put myself up for it.

00:32:38Guest:And I did do it.

00:32:39Guest:The first time I did it was at a punk festival at the ICA Gallery in London.

00:32:43Guest:And...

00:32:44Guest:I was wearing a kilt because I thought that would be funny.

00:32:49Guest:And I was so nervous.

00:32:50Guest:My knees were actually moving.

00:32:51Guest:You could see them moving.

00:32:52Guest:And all these cockney punks down the front were shouting, It's nice and knocking.

00:32:56Guest:It's nice and knocking.

00:32:57Guest:It's nice and knocking.

00:32:58Guest:It's like, oh, fuck.

00:33:00Guest:This is awful.

00:33:00Guest:They saw three.

00:33:01Guest:It was the worst feeling I ever had in my life.

00:33:04Guest:I couldn't wait to do it again.

00:33:06Guest:And he went up as you?

00:33:08Guest:Yeah.

00:33:08Guest:I went up as a character called Bing Hitler because I thought that would get their attention.

00:33:12Guest:But I never thought beyond that.

00:33:14Marc:The name.

00:33:14Guest:The name.

00:33:16Guest:So I said, good evening, I'm Ping Hitler, and then I got a laugh, and then I had nothing.

00:33:21Guest:It's like, oh, shit.

00:33:24Guest:And then his knees are knocking.

00:33:25Guest:But it was odd, though, that there's a very odd feeling now, and only professional comedians who have survived any length of time, I think, understand this.

00:33:36Guest:You...

00:33:38Guest:The failure is almost as exhilarating as the success.

00:33:44Guest:The failing on stage is almost as much fun in a weird, twisted fucking way.

00:33:49Marc:Well, I always felt that, like, you know exactly who you are and what you're doing.

00:33:53Guest:Right.

00:33:54Guest:There's a romance to it.

00:33:55Guest:You're all alone in front of 100 people.

00:33:58Guest:It's like any misery you've ever felt in your life is no more, it's not self-pity anymore.

00:34:04Guest:You're completely accurate.

00:34:05Guest:Everybody fucking hates you.

00:34:06Marc:Yeah.

00:34:06Marc:And you can feel it in your chest.

00:34:08Guest:You can feel it.

00:34:08Guest:Yeah.

00:34:09Guest:Is that fun?

00:34:11Guest:There's a certain attraction to it.

00:34:13Guest:It's exhilarating.

00:34:14Guest:There's a certain attraction to it, yeah.

00:34:16Marc:Once you can own it, once that moment where you're like, oh, this is going badly.

00:34:20Marc:Yeah.

00:34:21Marc:And I can't go anywhere.

00:34:22Guest:Yeah.

00:34:22Guest:I even saw Lou Black die on stage at the Edinburgh Festival, and it was one of the most horrendously difficult, angry crowds I'd ever seen in my life.

00:34:33Guest:And I didn't know Lou at the time, and I watched him, and he was having a terrific time.

00:34:38Marc:Was he going at him?

00:34:38Guest:Yeah, he was.

00:34:39Guest:He was opening up on him.

00:34:41Guest:He was fucking fearless.

00:34:42Guest:And see, you know, people talk about comedians being fearless.

00:34:45Guest:There's nothing fearless when the room's with you.

00:34:48Guest:No.

00:34:48Guest:When the room's with you, there's nothing fucking fearless in that.

00:34:50Guest:It's great.

00:34:51Guest:Yeah, it's fine.

00:34:51Marc:You can sweep through it.

00:34:52Guest:Yeah.

00:34:53Guest:When the room's fucking 100% against you.

00:34:55Marc:Ah, then you're like in it.

00:34:56Guest:Let's go.

00:34:57Guest:You can mix it up a little.

00:34:59Guest:Yeah.

00:34:59Guest:That's fun.

00:35:00Marc:Yeah.

00:35:00Marc:I can't imagine him, like, for him tanking with the amount of energy he brings to a performance.

00:35:05Guest:It was great to watch.

00:35:06Guest:He was really great.

00:35:07Guest:And I talked to him about it years later.

00:35:09Guest:That must have been years ago.

00:35:10Guest:It was a long time ago.

00:35:11Marc:Before he was big.

00:35:12Guest:Yeah.

00:35:12Guest:It was before he became successful.

00:35:14Guest:Right.

00:35:14Marc:I remember him then because he was doing the same kind of thing then.

00:35:17Guest:Right.

00:35:17Guest:It was the... Yeah.

00:35:18Guest:But he hadn't quite honed it, I guess, or it hadn't become...

00:35:25Guest:He wasn't on The Daily Show yet.

00:35:26Guest:Right.

00:35:27Guest:It wasn't that.

00:35:28Guest:And they just were, oh, they were terrible to him.

00:35:31Marc:I was there once in Edinburgh.

00:35:32Marc:I'll never go back.

00:35:33Marc:Really?

00:35:33Guest:You didn't like it?

00:35:34Marc:Well, I didn't have any cachet.

00:35:35Marc:I was there with small audiences.

00:35:37Marc:It was a real fight to get people in.

00:35:38Marc:And it was just like, it just, I don't like crowds.

00:35:42Marc:generally speaking, and that thing is such a clusterfuck, and it's a month.

00:35:48Guest:Were you sober when you went?

00:35:49Guest:Yeah.

00:35:50Guest:Yeah, see, that's your problem.

00:35:51Guest:I did my first five Edinburgh festivals before I got sober.

00:35:55Guest:After I got sober, I did it twice and never went back.

00:35:57Marc:When did you get sober?

00:35:58Marc:92.

00:35:59Marc:You've been sober a while.

00:36:01Guest:Yeah, it's coming up on 20 years.

00:36:03Marc:Wow, you're an old statesman.

00:36:04Guest:Yeah, getting that way.

00:36:05Marc:Yeah.

00:36:06Guest:It's kind of freaking me out, actually.

00:36:07Guest:It's actually in about two weeks from now.

00:36:10Marc:Really?

00:36:11Marc:Yeah.

00:36:11Marc:Hmm.

00:36:12Guest:Ten days.

00:36:13Marc:So what did being Hitler evolve into then to get you a career?

00:36:16Guest:You know, I started doing some character stuff about some very, very Scottish things with this name that became a character.

00:36:23Guest:The name was actually one of the other guys, Peter Capaldi, who's now a very famous actor in Britain.

00:36:27Guest:He thought up the name.

00:36:30Guest:Yeah.

00:36:30Guest:And I stole it from him, and then he... I turned it into this kind of mad Scottish, if it's not Scottish, it's crap character, but before that was on Saturday Night Live.

00:36:42Guest:And then I... I...

00:36:46Guest:I kind of just did that.

00:36:48Guest:And then when you do that, I guess what happened was that theaters and stuff, because there was no comedy club, so I would do it in bars.

00:36:54Guest:But the bars is where theater directors and actors and shit would work.

00:36:59Guest:It wasn't all working men's bars.

00:37:01Guest:It was some kind of arty bars.

00:37:03Guest:So Michael Boyd at the Tron Theater, this guy who since went on to the Royal Shakespeare Company, he was running a tiny little theater in Glasgow called the Tron Theater.

00:37:13Guest:And he said, you should come and do stuff in the theater.

00:37:16Guest:And I'm like, fuck yeah, because they're sitting down and they're pointed at you.

00:37:21Guest:And the bar's not even in the same room.

00:37:23Marc:They're not saying your knees are knocking.

00:37:24Guest:Yeah, I mean, they want you to succeed.

00:37:26Guest:And they did.

00:37:27Guest:And I kind of, he used to have this kind of talent night.

00:37:31Guest:The first thing I did, he had a talent night in the bar, the gong show, and people would get gonged off, you know?

00:37:37Guest:And I did it one night, I did it, and I came second.

00:37:41Guest:I did well.

00:37:41Guest:I lost to a very old man, a very old Scotsman, who played Ghost Riders in the Sky on a harmonica.

00:37:48Guest:And he should have won.

00:37:49Guest:He was fucking great.

00:37:50Marc:You can't top that.

00:37:51Guest:Old guy and harmonica.

00:37:53Guest:You be Richard Pryor.

00:37:54Guest:This guy is going to beat you.

00:37:57Guest:And he was fantastic.

00:37:59Guest:What did you do?

00:38:01Guest:I did my shtick.

00:38:02Guest:What did that look like?

00:38:04Marc:It was this character?

00:38:05Marc:Yeah, and a comedy song.

00:38:07Marc:Right, but as a character, you were mocking the Scottish thing?

00:38:10Guest:Yeah, I was like a super kind of extra.

00:38:14Guest:I guess the equivalent now is if you did a very, very right-wing conservative character, it would be a similar kind of parody, I suppose.

00:38:24Marc:And who were the guys in?

00:38:25Marc:I mean, was Billy Connolly around?

00:38:26Marc:Who were your mom?

00:38:27Guest:Billy was the only one.

00:38:27Marc:Billy was the only... The only comic in the... In Scotland.

00:38:31Guest:Yeah, the only one I'd ever heard of.

00:38:34Guest:Billy was the only one.

00:38:35Guest:Billy was like Elvis.

00:38:36Guest:Before Billy, there was nothing.

00:38:37Guest:Yeah.

00:38:38Guest:And then... And there was no others.

00:38:40Guest:None.

00:38:41Guest:None.

00:38:41Guest:Yeah.

00:38:42Marc:And then... He certainly is good, though.

00:38:44Guest:He's fantastic.

00:38:45Guest:You ever seen him live?

00:38:46Marc:Yeah.

00:38:46Guest:My God.

00:38:47Guest:He does two, two and a half hours.

00:38:50Yeah.

00:38:50Marc:Well, I once was at the Aspen Comedy Festival, and he was sitting eating breakfast by himself, and he knew I was doing a one-person show there, and he invited me to eat breakfast with him.

00:38:59Marc:The thing about Billy is the charisma doesn't change.

00:39:02Marc:Right.

00:39:02Marc:So you're sitting there eating breakfast with that.

00:39:04Marc:And he's full on, yeah.

00:39:06Guest:The thing about Billy is he does two and a half hours, then he comes off stage and looks for another two and a half hours to do.

00:39:12Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:39:15Guest:It's like a tick with him.

00:39:17Guest:He doesn't stop.

00:39:19Marc:Did you do that kind of storytelling?

00:39:21Guest:i do now yeah no i see that now i don't i didn't immediately i think that comes after with a bit of confidence a little more age yeah well and also about it's difficult to ask an audience to go with you when you're fighting every line to get a laugh you know so if you if you don't have the confidence to ask the audience to make a journey with you it's going to be a while before you start telling any stories that that's definitely a con that was a couple of years before i started doing

00:39:48Marc:Well, how much alcohol was it fueling your confidence?

00:39:53Guest:I don't know.

00:39:54Guest:Were you drunk on stage?

00:39:56Guest:Oh, yes, yes.

00:39:57Marc:To the point where it would get uglier?

00:39:59Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

00:40:01Guest:I think I hit a guy once in the rock garden in Glasgow.

00:40:04Guest:Hit a heckler.

00:40:05Guest:Yeah?

00:40:05Guest:It's very hard to get the audience back once you hit one.

00:40:08Guest:No, once blood is drawn.

00:40:09Guest:Once you hit one of them.

00:40:11Guest:It's very hard to get him.

00:40:12Guest:Anyway.

00:40:13Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:40:14Marc:Some guy's going, my eye!

00:40:17Guest:My eye!

00:40:18Guest:I laid him out, actually.

00:40:20Guest:You did?

00:40:20Guest:Yeah, he fucking needed a little prick.

00:40:22Marc:And you didn't have the audience on your side?

00:40:23Marc:No.

00:40:24Guest:Well, I did, right up to the point where I fucking put him on the deck, and then the tables turned.

00:40:30Guest:So ultimately, he won, I suppose.

00:40:33Marc:So when did you come to the States?

00:40:35Guest:I came over, it was kind of like intermittently.

00:40:39Guest:I came over early on when I was 21 years old.

00:40:43Guest:I met this girl and we went to New York City.

00:40:48Guest:Yeah.

00:40:49Guest:And I was working in construction.

00:40:51Guest:I was a legal immigrant.

00:40:53Guest:Illegal immigrant.

00:40:54Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:40:54Guest:So I was in New York City.

00:40:55Guest:I was living in the East Village.

00:40:57Guest:Where in the East Village?

00:40:58Guest:11th Street above Venero's Bakery.

00:41:00Marc:I know where that is.

00:41:02Marc:What year?

00:41:02Guest:84.

00:41:03Guest:84.

00:41:04Marc:No shit.

00:41:04Guest:I was on second between A and B. I used to do the door at Save the Robots.

00:41:11Guest:That was right on my corner.

00:41:11Guest:Save the Robots opened up.

00:41:13Guest:I was on the door there.

00:41:14Guest:Dimitri Solzhenitsyn, who opened the club.

00:41:16Guest:I knew him.

00:41:16Marc:It was the After Hours Club.

00:41:18Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:41:18Marc:It didn't open until 3.

00:41:19Marc:Yeah, I was there in 89.

00:41:21Marc:That's when I lived there.

00:41:22Guest:Now, 89, I was already long gone.

00:41:24Guest:I'd gone back to Scotland.

00:41:26Marc:Ran away.

00:41:28Marc:Save the Robots.

00:41:29Marc:You were a bouncer?

00:41:30Guest:First couple of nights it was open, yeah.

00:41:32Guest:And that was it?

00:41:33Guest:Yeah, I'm not cut out for that.

00:41:36Marc:So you were there two days?

00:41:38Guest:Yeah, I mean, I still went.

00:41:39Guest:I just didn't have an official title after that.

00:41:42Marc:So you're working construction, hanging out after hours to save the world.

00:41:45Guest:Yeah, and working in a dance theater group.

00:41:50Marc:You were dancing?

00:41:51Guest:Yeah, the American Modern Dance Theater.

00:41:53Marc:How the fuck did you end up there?

00:41:54Guest:This gay guy came up to me in a bar and said, do you want to be in my dance troupe?

00:41:57Guest:And I was like, yeah, all right.

00:41:58Guest:And actually, it was for real.

00:42:02Guest:And I joined this.

00:42:04Guest:It was a theater company.

00:42:05Marc:Did you know how to dance?

00:42:06Guest:No, it's experimental dance.

00:42:08Guest:You just put on a leotard and wave your arms around.

00:42:12Guest:I mean, I would go up to... They had this big studio at the New York City Ballet and everybody would go and dance and shit.

00:42:19Guest:I was really there to have sex with the girls.

00:42:21Guest:And there's very little competition.

00:42:23Marc:And disappoint the guy that got you into the trip.

00:42:25Guest:You know, them's the breaks.

00:42:28Guest:The thing is, though...

00:42:31Guest:It worked out because I kind of enjoyed it.

00:42:34Guest:I was 21.

00:42:36Guest:You can do anything.

00:42:38Guest:I could do anything.

00:42:40Guest:I could work all day, do coke all night.

00:42:42Guest:Nothing touched me.

00:42:44Guest:If I have a steak after 9 o'clock at night, I have a fucking hangover for three days.

00:42:50Marc:Yeah, and it's bad, right?

00:42:52Marc:It's bad.

00:42:52Marc:Getting old is hard on your body.

00:42:54Guest:It's not for pussies.

00:42:55Marc:No, no.

00:42:56Marc:A lot of people get out of it.

00:42:58Marc:Yeah.

00:42:59Marc:So, all right.

00:42:59Marc:So then you go back to Scotland and then how do you all of a sudden have an American television show business created?

00:43:04Guest:Did you do TV there?

00:43:05Guest:So I'm doing this Bing Hitler thing and it actually starts taking off.

00:43:08Marc:Bing Hitler is still existing.

00:43:09Guest:Yes.

00:43:10Guest:I start doing it.

00:43:11Marc:Add more to it.

00:43:12Guest:Add more to it.

00:43:13Guest:Add a little more character to it.

00:43:14Guest:It starts becoming a bit of a thing.

00:43:15Guest:It's kind of fun.

00:43:16Guest:What's the character?

00:43:17Guest:It's characters.

00:43:17Guest:Like I say, it's like that guy.

00:43:19Guest:It's still that guy.

00:43:19Guest:All right.

00:43:20Guest:So then what happens is I'm working at the Tron Theater in Glasgow and I'm doing the Edinburgh Festival in 1986.

00:43:27Marc:You put together an hour.

00:43:28Marc:You called it Bing Miller.

00:43:29Guest:Yeah, it was a half hour.

00:43:30Guest:Half hour.

00:43:31Guest:I was sharing the stage with four guitar players from Dundee who played Django Reinhardt songs.

00:43:39Guest:Really?

00:43:39Marc:Yeah, they were good.

00:43:40Marc:Well, that's hard, yeah.

00:43:42Guest:So they were on for the first half hour and then I'd be on for the second half hour and...

00:43:46Guest:And weirdly enough, it was a huge fucking underground hit.

00:43:51Guest:I mean, the show didn't start until 1 a.m.

00:43:54Guest:And because I was the only Scottish comedian, I think for a lot of people there, just the idea of seeing a Scottish comedian while you were at Edinburgh, and then why not?

00:44:01Guest:And also because it's pretty good.

00:44:03Guest:I was drunk, but I was on it.

00:44:06Guest:Yeah.

00:44:06Guest:And by that time, I'd racked up a little bit of airtime.

00:44:10Guest:I mean, you know, I had done some work in New York.

00:44:12Guest:I'd, you know, done a little bit at the Comedy Store when Lucian Hold was there.

00:44:17Marc:At the Comic Strip.

00:44:18Guest:Comic Strip, sorry.

00:44:19Guest:And I had done a little bit in the theater, the American Modern Dance Theater, which was, you know, this gay bar downtown, which became Coyote Ugly.

00:44:31Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:44:32Guest:Right?

00:44:32Guest:It was like first and nine or something like that.

00:44:34Guest:And then I, so it was doing okay.

00:44:38Guest:And I did the Edinburgh Festival and I got an agent from London.

00:44:40Guest:This agent from London came to see me and said, you know, you can do well.

00:44:44Guest:So I got some gigs actually in comedy clubs where Alexi Sale was playing, where Rick was playing, where, you know, these guys were.

00:44:51Guest:And then.

00:44:52Marc:Like Jonglers and stuff?

00:44:53Guest:Right.

00:44:53Guest:I never actually played Jonglers, but I played all the other ones.

00:44:56Guest:Comedy store?

00:44:57Guest:Comedy store and all these things.

00:44:58Guest:And eventually what happened is.

00:45:00Marc:As being Hitler.

00:45:01Guest:yeah yeah all the big stuff and then uh bruce hills and andy nolman turn up from the montreal right and then there's a scottish comedian they're trying to have an international festival they find a comedian from scotland they're like found one we got one and billy right so and they can't get billy because he's too expensive so they get me yeah and i go over and i do well in what year is that

00:45:23Guest:87 now I dropped the Bing Hitler thing I start using my own name and I do stand-up and I'm still drunk and it's not as good but two years later I go back to Montreal 89 this time I've lost a little weight you know I'm kind of you know that inconsistent way drunks are some nights they're great some nights they're not so great so one night I go out on the gala and I fucking kill right great CBS

00:45:49Guest:In 1989, fly me in here to L.A.

00:45:54Guest:and say, we'll put you on a deal.

00:45:55Guest:They give me a deal.

00:45:55Guest:I do a pilot.

00:45:57Guest:When you get this, I do a pilot with Gwyneth Paltrow, Zach Braff, and a couple of other people who are there in their late teens at the time.

00:46:05Guest:I'm in my, I'm like 25, 26th.

00:46:09Guest:And it's about high school, where they're at a high school, and I'm the teacher.

00:46:14Guest:And I'm out of my fucking mind, the whole pilot.

00:46:16Marc:Well, just booze or blow, too?

00:46:18Guest:Blow by this time.

00:46:19Guest:Yeah.

00:46:19Guest:A little bit.

00:46:20Guest:But mostly my thing was booze.

00:46:22Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:46:22Guest:Blow was just a kind of vitamin.

00:46:23Guest:Keep you drinking, sure.

00:46:25Guest:It's a vitamin for drinking.

00:46:26Guest:Yeah.

00:46:27Guest:And then...

00:46:28Guest:I did that, and the pilot didn't go, so I think, I'm fucked in America, I'll never work again.

00:46:32Guest:So I go back to Britain, and I get a theatre job playing Brad Majors in the Rocky Horror Show in the West End in London.

00:46:43Guest:And it's wall-to-wall drinking.

00:46:48Marc:That's already a revival at that time.

00:46:49Guest:Right, right.

00:46:49Guest:But it's a big show.

00:46:51Guest:It's a big show, right?

00:46:52Guest:So I'm in the show, and the show's doing well.

00:46:54Guest:And then I run out of steam.

00:46:58Guest:I just run out of steam, and I get sober.

00:47:01Guest:Burnt out.

00:47:02Guest:92.

00:47:03Marc:How bad did that bottom look?

00:47:05Yeah.

00:47:05Guest:Well, you know, I was.

00:47:07Marc:Was it dark?

00:47:08Marc:Was it like, oh, it's over?

00:47:09Guest:I've talked a lot about it.

00:47:10Guest:Oh, you have?

00:47:11Guest:You know, it's kind of like, yeah, I was suicidal and stuff, you know.

00:47:15Marc:For real or just self-pitying?

00:47:17Guest:You know, I'll never know.

00:47:18Guest:I guess self-pity because here I am.

00:47:19Guest:So I guess not for real.

00:47:21Guest:But, you know, it felt real at the time.

00:47:24Marc:But you never tried.

00:47:25Guest:No, no, no, not seriously.

00:47:28Guest:You know, I thought deeply.

00:47:29Guest:Right.

00:47:29Guest:Yeah.

00:47:30Marc:Yeah.

00:47:30Marc:Because it's relieving.

00:47:31Marc:Yeah.

00:47:32Marc:That's what selfish people do.

00:47:33Guest:Yeah, it is.

00:47:34Guest:Yeah.

00:47:36Guest:And then after I get sober, that's when things began to change.

00:47:42Guest:I've been sober now almost 20 years.

00:47:44Guest:I've been sober much longer than I ever drank alcohol.

00:47:47Guest:And I think the danger is, this is why I never go on Dr. Drew or any of these shows and talk about alcoholism.

00:47:54Guest:It's very difficult for me to define my life by that one thing.

00:47:59Guest:I'm still an alcoholic is beyond doubt, but it doesn't mean to say that alcohol is a problem in my life, because it's not.

00:48:05Guest:It fucking could be in a heartbeat, but it's not right now.

00:48:08Guest:So I don't...

00:48:11Guest:I don't really kind of try.

00:48:13Guest:I try to stay away from that kind of professional.

00:48:16Marc:It's a little, well, it's a little exploitive and it's also like it, it honors the, uh, the, uh, the sort of, uh, the parameters of the secret society is that, you know, I mean, when you represent the disease, uh,

00:48:29Marc:If you are getting sober in the way that many of us get sober, you're supposed to keep it to yourself because it has to work on its own.

00:48:38Guest:I don't speak for any other... The organization, as loose as it is that got me sober, I am not a spokesman for it.

00:48:44Guest:I can't speak for it.

00:48:45Marc:And they don't want you to either.

00:48:46Guest:They don't want me to.

00:48:46Guest:They told me they don't want me to.

00:48:48Marc:Like if I needed some help and we turned the mics off, we'd have a conversation.

00:48:51Guest:That'd be a different thing.

00:48:52Guest:But when the microphone's on, they have specific instructions about what I can say.

00:48:55Guest:And many people within that loose affiliation, they do it.

00:49:00Guest:And they've also accused me of doing it.

00:49:01Guest:And I say, go back and look, motherfucker.

00:49:03Guest:I've never mentioned it.

00:49:04Marc:Yeah.

00:49:05Guest:Never.

00:49:05Marc:Yeah.

00:49:06Guest:Because I don't.

00:49:07Marc:I never mentioned it.

00:49:09Marc:It was brought up to me by somebody because I talked about it on the show.

00:49:12Marc:And they say the reason that they say you don't talk about it is because if you go down, then you're bringing that down with you.

00:49:18Guest:Right, of course.

00:49:19Guest:Yeah, I never thought about it like that.

00:49:20Guest:Yeah, I mean, it's like if you go down, then people can go, well, look, it doesn't work.

00:49:25Guest:Look, see?

00:49:25Guest:Yeah, look at that asshole.

00:49:26Guest:And then 10 other guys die.

00:49:27Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:28Guest:So, I mean, I just, I really try and respect that.

00:49:32Guest:I mean, I do respect it.

00:49:33Marc:Well, the interesting thing about sobriety is that it's much more difficult to be sober than it is to drink.

00:49:40Marc:And really actually stopping drinking once you get the hang of it is the easier part of it.

00:49:45Marc:It's fighting that fucking itch and that weird discontentment and that weird neediness and fucking, you know, I mean, that's the evolution, right?

00:49:52Marc:Yeah.

00:49:53Yeah.

00:49:53Guest:But I get to that.

00:49:55Guest:I'm at a point now where I don't know.

00:49:58Guest:I mean, though I subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a disease and it's treated as like a disease, we will recover from it like it's a disease.

00:50:07Guest:I think with me, it's not a disease.

00:50:09Guest:I think with me, it's a character description.

00:50:11Guest:A description.

00:50:13Guest:Yeah.

00:50:13Guest:I'm a personality type.

00:50:15Guest:What's your personality type?

00:50:16Guest:Alcoholic.

00:50:17Guest:Some people are winter.

00:50:18Guest:Some people are summer.

00:50:19Guest:I'm a fucking alcoholic.

00:50:20Marc:And alcoholic covers a few different things.

00:50:22Guest:Right.

00:50:22Guest:It's just what I am.

00:50:23Guest:Sure.

00:50:24Guest:So I can no more be cured of my personality than, you know, I can't be cured of my personality.

00:50:31Guest:I've tried, you know, by drinking, paradoxically.

00:50:36Marc:But there's also that, there's the alcoholic personality type, but like...

00:50:39Marc:If you deal with it and you work through it and you're not dry, you're not like sort of cranky and edgy and controlling.

00:50:46Guest:There are ways to relieve the symptoms.

00:50:49Guest:Right, right.

00:50:49Guest:Absolutely.

00:50:49Marc:Right.

00:50:50Marc:And then you become a talk show host or something.

00:50:53Guest:Well, the talk show host thing is kind of a weird.

00:50:55Guest:That kind of snuck up on me.

00:50:57Guest:I had no desire to ever do that.

00:50:58Guest:And I actually don't even know if I am a talk show host now.

00:51:01Guest:I think what I am is...

00:51:03Guest:a kind of what we used to call in Scotland a chancer.

00:51:08Guest:I fucking just fell into it.

00:51:11Marc:So you go back, you do Rocky Horror, you do some TV in the UK, and then they fly you back for Drew Carey?

00:51:18Guest:No, then I get sober.

00:51:19Guest:Then I start doing stand-up.

00:51:21Guest:After about six, seven months of being sober,

00:51:27Guest:I hadn't done stand-up for a while because I was doing this West End show, so I have 18 months off or something.

00:51:33Guest:I do stand-up.

00:51:34Guest:First couple don't go so great, but I stay with it.

00:51:37Marc:Do you feel shaky?

00:51:39Guest:Yeah, afraid.

00:51:40Guest:A lot of fear.

00:51:42Guest:And then they go, okay.

00:51:44Guest:Then they get better.

00:51:45Guest:Then I realized I'm much fucking better.

00:51:48Guest:I'm not as good as I thought I was, but I'm far, far, far better than I had ever been.

00:51:53Marc:Right.

00:51:54Guest:And so a balance began to get struck, and I started to do shows, and the shows were doing okay.

00:52:00Guest:And I was repairing.

00:52:02Guest:my reputation in britain pretty well you know you burned some bridges yeah i i think i but but things were and people were very forgiving and after a while that you know they'd seen that i'd been sober for a year a year and a half and you were out of character now no more being no more bang just me so they were they tired of being hitler anyways i don't know if they were but i was yeah i mean uh and

00:52:26Guest:And I guess what happened was that I was doing well, and things were doing okay in Britain, and then I did the Edinburgh Festival again, 1994.

00:52:35Guest:This time I'm sober.

00:52:37Marc:An hour?

00:52:38Guest:I'm doing an hour now, and it's a big theater, and it's a big hit show.

00:52:43Guest:What was it called?

00:52:44Guest:It was just me doing stand-up, and I called the show Love, Sex, Death, and the Weather.

00:52:48Guest:And I'm doing this show, and the show is reviewed well, it's packed every night, they add extra shows, all that good stuff that you wish would happen to you in Edinburgh.

00:52:57Guest:I got one, and that was it.

00:53:01Guest:Well, I got the other one much earlier when I was drinking, but that was an underground thing.

00:53:04Guest:This was big.

00:53:06Marc:This big, this Scott's, and gave you the good reviews?

00:53:08Guest:Yeah, yeah, all of that.

00:53:10Marc:Did you win the festival?

00:53:11Guest:No, I wasn't even in competition.

00:53:13Guest:It was like, it was too big.

00:53:14Guest:I mean, and what happened was that an American manager who had seen me in Montreal years before.

00:53:22Guest:Who's that?

00:53:23Guest:A guy from New York called Rick Siegel.

00:53:24Marc:I know Rick Tugall.

00:53:26Guest:And Rick had seen me drinking in New York.

00:53:28Guest:I met him, yeah.

00:53:28Guest:And Rick had, you know, he'd busted me on the Bing Hitler name and I got talking because Rick's a Jew.

00:53:33Guest:And I was like, no, no, it's nothing anti-Semitic.

00:53:35Guest:See the act.

00:53:36Guest:And he saw the act and he's like, oh, right, I get it.

00:53:38Guest:And then we became kind of buddies and I liked him.

00:53:40Guest:And when I met him again in Edinburgh in 94, he said to me, what the fuck have you done?

00:53:50Guest:You've lost 35 pounds and you look 20 years younger.

00:53:53Guest:What the fuck?

00:53:54Guest:I said, I quit drinking.

00:53:56Guest:And he's like, you have got to come to America.

00:53:58Guest:You've got to come.

00:53:58Guest:You've got to come now.

00:54:00Guest:I was like, actually, I don't want to now because I'm just taking care of shit.

00:54:04Guest:He said, come for three weeks.

00:54:07Guest:I said, I can't, it's too long.

00:54:08Guest:I said, all right, 10 days.

00:54:10Guest:Give me 10 days, I'll get you a deal in the U.S.

00:54:12Guest:I went, all right, you get me a deal in 10 days.

00:54:14Guest:So I took a vacation, came to California in November of 94 for 10 days.

00:54:19Guest:And he trotted me around everywhere.

00:54:20Guest:And eventually, after 10 days, I got a holding deal for pilot season with Disney.

00:54:26Guest:And then they brought me over for pilot season the following January, January 95.

00:54:32Guest:On my third edition for a pilot, I get this pilot with Betty White.

00:54:37Guest:Betty White and Marie Osmond.

00:54:39Guest:It's called Maybe This Time.

00:54:40Guest:So I do the pilot and I think, oh, fine, I'll do that.

00:54:42Guest:Get out of the way.

00:54:42Guest:The pilot gets fucking picked up.

00:54:44Guest:The show goes on the air on ABC.

00:54:48Guest:After about...

00:54:50Guest:a dozen maybe less I go to the producer of the pilot Michael Jacobs and say I gotta quit this is the worst fucking show I hate it and he's like are you crazy nobody quits a pilot you're a fucking a show nobody quits a show you don't quit a sitcom this is you you'll never have to work again if this thing goes I'm like I like working and I don't like doing this this is bullshit

00:55:12Guest:And so he was like, oh, you got to go talk to Disney.

00:55:14Guest:So I go and talk to Dean Valentine, who at that time is the head of Disney television.

00:55:18Guest:Yeah.

00:55:19Guest:And I say, I want out of here.

00:55:20Guest:And everyone's like, oh, you'll never get out.

00:55:21Guest:And he goes, all right.

00:55:23Guest:And he paid me to the end of the season.

00:55:25Guest:Really?

00:55:25Guest:Yeah.

00:55:25Guest:Ever that guy needs me to collect his groceries or, you know, give his kids an intern at a show or anything like that.

00:55:31Guest:And he needs, he can just call me.

00:55:32Guest:That's cool.

00:55:33Marc:Yeah?

00:55:33Guest:Yeah, he let me out.

00:55:35Marc:But did you still have the same relationship with them or it was done?

00:55:37Guest:No, we were done.

00:55:38Guest:The deal was over.

00:55:38Guest:They canceled the show.

00:55:39Guest:He knew he was going to cancel the show.

00:55:41Guest:And I saw him after that later on at a party.

00:55:46Guest:And I said, I can't thank you enough of what you did.

00:55:48Guest:And he said, look, I'm looking at you and I'm looking at this show.

00:55:51Guest:And I'm thinking, you've got a future in this town, but this show fucking doesn't.

00:55:55Guest:Who do I make friends with?

00:55:56Guest:Oh, really?

00:55:57Guest:Yeah, he's a smart guy.

00:55:58Marc:That was great.

00:55:59Marc:That's a good story.

00:56:00Marc:That's a good politics story.

00:56:02Guest:Yeah, he was terrific.

00:56:02Guest:Show business politics.

00:56:03Guest:Smart.

00:56:04Guest:And I was out of that show.

00:56:06Guest:I fucked around, went for a couple of auditions, and then auditioned.

00:56:09Guest:I get this job to audition for the Hispanic photographer.

00:56:14Guest:on a new show.

00:56:15Guest:This is how bad casting is.

00:56:17Guest:A new show they're making called Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields.

00:56:19Marc:Yeah, I remember, yeah.

00:56:20Guest:Right, so they bring me in to be the Hispanic photographer.

00:56:23Guest:I like doing my Latino accent.

00:56:25Guest:Everybody's fucking laughing their ass off.

00:56:26Guest:It's terrible.

00:56:27Guest:And then at the end of it, Tony Sepulveda, who's head of casting at that time at Warner Brothers, said, that's the worst Latino accent I ever heard.

00:56:33Guest:I went, yeah.

00:56:34Guest:And he said, but the Drew Carey show, which is a year-end, is looking for an English boss.

00:56:38Guest:Can you do an English accent?

00:56:39Guest:And that's when I said, si, senor, yes, I can.

00:56:42Guest:And...

00:56:43Guest:And they gave me three episodes on Drew Carey.

00:56:46Guest:And after two episodes, they said, you want to stay?

00:56:48Guest:And I went, yeah.

00:56:49Guest:And I stayed.

00:56:50Marc:And that's how you planted your flag.

00:56:54Marc:That's it.

00:56:54Marc:It's the story.

00:56:56Marc:And that was a full run.

00:56:56Marc:But then you were done with that.

00:56:58Marc:Yeah.

00:56:59Marc:You made a lot of money.

00:57:00Marc:And you were just hanging around?

00:57:01Guest:Lost it all, though.

00:57:02Guest:Doing what?

00:57:03Guest:Divorce?

00:57:04Guest:Divorce, you know.

00:57:05Guest:It's pretty expensive.

00:57:06Guest:Gamble?

00:57:07Guest:No, no, no, no.

00:57:08Guest:Just regular stuff?

00:57:09Guest:Yeah, just divorce.

00:57:10Guest:Divorce is enough, man.

00:57:11Guest:Horrendous.

00:57:12Guest:Lost it all.

00:57:13Guest:All of it.

00:57:14Guest:All of it.

00:57:15Guest:Have you let that go?

00:57:16Guest:Seven years of prime time.

00:57:17Guest:Yeah, I have now.

00:57:18Guest:I mean, you know, I've been doing this show longer than I did Drew Carey.

00:57:22Guest:So, you know.

00:57:23Marc:Is that fucking criminal?

00:57:25Guest:Well, yeah.

00:57:26Guest:I got to say, I'm at peace with it now, but it took a while.

00:57:29Marc:Horrendous.

00:57:30Marc:Yeah.

00:57:31Marc:Because between the lawyers and what they get.

00:57:32Guest:It's all the lawyers.

00:57:34Guest:The lawyers get most of it.

00:57:34Marc:All of it.

00:57:35Marc:Yeah.

00:57:36Marc:And because the lawyers, they turn out your ex because they don't trust you anymore.

00:57:41Marc:Right.

00:57:41Marc:So they're going to trust the lawyer.

00:57:42Marc:Right.

00:57:42Marc:And the lawyer's telling them, oh, he's hiding money.

00:57:44Guest:Right.

00:57:45Guest:All of that.

00:57:45Guest:And they do all that.

00:57:46Guest:And they create discord so that they can keep it open.

00:57:49Guest:Yeah.

00:57:49Guest:Because resolution means the end of the revenue.

00:57:51Guest:I know.

00:57:52Guest:Yeah.

00:57:52Marc:So even you can't trust your lawyer.

00:57:54Guest:Right.

00:57:55Guest:You can't trust anybody.

00:57:56Guest:It doesn't make sense.

00:57:57Guest:It's amazing.

00:57:58Guest:Yeah, it's pretty tough.

00:57:59Marc:All right.

00:57:59Marc:So, okay.

00:58:00Marc:So you didn't want to be a talk show host.

00:58:01Marc:So how'd that offer reveal itself?

00:58:04Guest:Well, what happened is Kilbourne famously quits, right?

00:58:07Guest:He's doing this show and he quits.

00:58:09Guest:He didn't like the money or something like that.

00:58:11Guest:I mean, I think it was simple as that.

00:58:12Marc:Good decision he made, huh?

00:58:13Marc:He's done all right for himself.

00:58:15Guest:I don't know.

00:58:15Guest:I mean, listen.

00:58:17Guest:Where is he?

00:58:18Guest:I don't know.

00:58:19Guest:I really don't know.

00:58:21Marc:It doesn't matter.

00:58:22Guest:I don't know why he did it.

00:58:23Guest:But you know what?

00:58:24Guest:I'm glad he did.

00:58:25Marc:Yeah.

00:58:25Guest:So he did it.

00:58:26Guest:And then, you know, it's pretty, you know, most people remember what happened.

00:58:30Guest:They had a bunch of people try out for the show.

00:58:32Guest:A lot of different.

00:58:33Marc:I think I might have.

00:58:34Guest:Yeah.

00:58:35Marc:No, Michael, I didn't make the cut.

00:58:37Guest:Michael Ian Black did, and he came pretty close.

00:58:41Guest:He was my stiffest competition, I think, Michael.

00:58:46Guest:They narrowed it down to four.

00:58:47Guest:It was Michael Ian Black, D.L.

00:58:49Guest:Hughley, me, and Damien Fahey.

00:58:53Guest:And then I got it.

00:58:54Marc:Do you know what was the decision process?

00:58:56Guest:LaSalle.

00:58:57Guest:Peter LaSalle was what did it.

00:58:59Guest:Peter LaSalle was the producer of this show to this day.

00:59:02Marc:And The Tonight Show, right?

00:59:03Yeah.

00:59:03Guest:Tonight Show for 30 years.

00:59:04Guest:He took Dave over to CBS when the whole NBC, Leno, Letterman thing happened.

00:59:11Guest:He mentored Jon Stewart.

00:59:15Marc:He was very complimentary of my stand-up.

00:59:18Guest:Was he?

00:59:19Guest:Yeah.

00:59:19Guest:See, that's good.

00:59:20Marc:I enjoyed it.

00:59:21Guest:Because if he doesn't like your stand-up, he won't talk to you.

00:59:24Marc:Yeah, no, it was very exciting to meet him.

00:59:27Guest:You weren't there, of course.

00:59:28Guest:No, that comes later.

00:59:31Guest:That's when Peter says, you should see this guy again.

00:59:34Guest:We're going to put him on your show tonight.

00:59:36Marc:We have tape of him.

00:59:37Guest:Peter's a legend doing this.

00:59:38Marc:Yeah, no, I know.

00:59:39Guest:And so what happened was I came in and did one night because they'd asked me to do one night.

00:59:44Marc:Right.

00:59:45Guest:And I said to Peter at the time, because I met him and I knew who he was and stuff, and I said, thanks for letting me do this.

00:59:51Guest:This should be a lark.

00:59:52Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:59:53Marc:Can I get a copy of that tape?

00:59:54Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:59:55Guest:And he said to me, I'll never forget it.

00:59:58Guest:And he said, this is not a lark.

01:00:01Guest:He said, he looked me right in the eye and he said,

01:00:03Guest:I have one discernible skill, and it is finding guys like you.

01:00:10Guest:And if I'm right, you're lightning in a bottle, and you're going to be here for a long time.

01:00:16Guest:And I went away, and I thought, he's out of his fucking mind.

01:00:20Guest:He's crazy.

01:00:22Guest:And then after I'd done the show for like a week, I was like, oh, no, I get it.

01:00:27Guest:I get it.

01:00:27Guest:I should do this.

01:00:28Guest:And I do.

01:00:29Marc:You're different than other guys.

01:00:31Marc:I'll tell you that.

01:00:33Guest:Yeah, I think that's true.

01:00:35Marc:I grew up watching Letterman.

01:00:38Marc:I know John, kind of, from back when we were younger.

01:00:42Marc:I know Leno.

01:00:42Marc:I watched Carson.

01:00:43Marc:I watched Kimmel.

01:00:44Guest:Yep.

01:00:46Marc:You do something that no one does, which is a long-form monologue.

01:00:50Guest:Yeah.

01:00:50Marc:You build a relationship with the audience in a genuine way.

01:00:54Marc:The camera becomes sort of eavesdropping on your relationship with the audience, and then you talk directly to the camera.

01:01:01Marc:So you're kind of working all angles with the audience.

01:01:05Guest:I also don't have a plan.

01:01:07Marc:No, I know.

01:01:07Marc:Yeah, I can see that.

01:01:08Guest:Not just for the show, but for after the show.

01:01:10Guest:I don't have a plan.

01:01:11Guest:I don't have a plan for The Tonight Show.

01:01:13Guest:I don't want The Tonight Show.

01:01:14Marc:No, but your style, though, it's just like you kind of improvise.

01:01:18Marc:It feels raw.

01:01:19Guest:It is.

01:01:20Guest:I mean, I have some material.

01:01:21Guest:Yeah, of course.

01:01:21Guest:I have good writers on the show who provide me with good shit to do in the monologue.

01:01:25Guest:And then the rest of it, we'll figure it out.

01:01:28Guest:The opening part of the show, that three-minute bit at the beginning,

01:01:31Guest:I don't know what's going to happen until they say 5, 4, 3, 2, and then we go.

01:01:35Guest:And if I bring somebody out to the audience or I do something else.

01:01:38Marc:That's before the credits.

01:01:39Guest:That's before the credits.

01:01:40Marc:So that makes it all very real to you.

01:01:42Guest:No, I don't shoot that until after the monologue.

01:01:44Marc:You don't?

01:01:45Guest:No, because I've got to be pumping for that thing to work.

01:01:47Marc:Oh, really?

01:01:48Guest:Yeah, so I shoot the monologue first.

01:01:50Guest:And then you riff?

01:01:51Guest:And then I riff.

01:01:52Guest:Ah.

01:01:53Guest:But I riff during the monologue.

01:01:54Guest:The more I riff during the monologue, because the monologue isn't written like I'm reading it.

01:01:59Guest:The monologue's bulleted.

01:02:00Guest:Blow points, yeah.

01:02:01Guest:Right.

01:02:01Guest:So I do it.

01:02:02Guest:And if I start, like some nights I do maybe 20% of what's even bulleted.

01:02:07Guest:Right.

01:02:07Guest:And if that's what happens, then, you know, then we're off to the races.

01:02:10Marc:But you're not really doing monologue jokes.

01:02:13Marc:You're doing long form kind of like weave and things.

01:02:16Guest:Tonight we're going to talk about Dickens so that we, you know, Dickens.

01:02:20Marc:Well, that's fresh because Dickens is in the news right now.

01:02:22Guest:200 years old today.

01:02:23Guest:Oh, is it today?

01:02:23Guest:That's why.

01:02:24Guest:Okay.

01:02:25Guest:Yeah.

01:02:27All right.

01:02:27Marc:Also, you know, like Dickensian monologue.

01:02:30Guest:Yeah.

01:02:31Guest:You know, I mean, if you get paid by the word, the monologue would be longer.

01:02:34Marc:Yeah.

01:02:35Marc:But all right.

01:02:36Marc:So now the interview style, because I've done a lot of shows where I do panel and I've never been through a pre-interview process like your show.

01:02:42Marc:Like the producer gets on.

01:02:44Marc:He's like, I went.

01:02:44Marc:Where were you born?

01:02:46Marc:uh where'd you grow up uh what what day is your birthday uh do you have a favorite fruit i mean like i it was like 30 questions yeah and then like what that made what what happened was that means i get out there and i don't know what the fuck you're gonna do that's right and neither do i uh-huh

01:03:01Guest:And then we see, because all the stuff that they do, like the segment producers who do the pre-interviews, I pass an eye over it.

01:03:09Guest:Yeah.

01:03:11Guest:Only so I know, like, if they've written down something like, you know, his mother just died, so I'm like, all right, don't bring up your mother.

01:03:17Guest:Yeah, right, right, right.

01:03:18Guest:That's what I'm looking for in the pre-interviews.

01:03:20Guest:Oh, so just what not to talk about.

01:03:21Guest:Yeah, where's the fucking potholes?

01:03:22Marc:Just in case.

01:03:23Guest:Right, right.

01:03:23Guest:You know, so like he's a deeply committed Scientologist.

01:03:28Guest:I don't want to come up and start talking to you about Scientology.

01:03:30Marc:How shitty L. Ron Humbert is.

01:03:32Guest:Right.

01:03:32Guest:You know, I don't want to do anything like that.

01:03:34Guest:Yeah.

01:03:34Guest:But you just want to be real.

01:03:36Guest:Yeah.

01:03:37Marc:Yeah.

01:03:38Marc:That seems to be a good way to go.

01:03:39Marc:Some more people are doing it that way.

01:03:41Marc:But I find that like sometimes do you find you think you're a good interviewer?

01:03:46Guest:No, I don't, actually.

01:03:49Guest:Why?

01:03:49Guest:I think what I have is I'm a good conversationalist.

01:03:54Guest:I can talk to people.

01:03:55Guest:But if you've got something you want to keep from me, you can keep it from me.

01:03:58Marc:Well, no, but I mean, like, in the sense that, like, you know, clearly the type of interview you're doing is different than what I'm doing here.

01:04:03Marc:We're not talking for an hour.

01:04:04Marc:You're talking for seven minutes, maybe 12 if it's two segments.

01:04:09Guest:It's the same way.

01:04:09Guest:It's like, well, I'll talk until they flash a light saying stop.

01:04:13Marc:Right, but do you have trouble sometimes with guests?

01:04:17Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:04:17Marc:I mean, because sometimes, I mean, you'll talk a lot.

01:04:22Guest:Yeah, well, you'll know that's when I'm having trouble.

01:04:25Guest:When the guest is not talking, then I'm like, one of us has got to fucking talk.

01:04:29Guest:So it's either it's going to be you or it's going to be me, but one of us has got to do it.

01:04:33Guest:Yeah.

01:04:33Guest:Go, you know.

01:04:35Guest:Yeah.

01:04:36Guest:And if they don't do it, then fuck them.

01:04:37Guest:It's my show.

01:04:38Guest:I don't want it to suck, so I'm going to keep talking.

01:04:41Guest:You'll come on my show and make it suck by being an asshole.

01:04:44Guest:If you're going to be an asshole, you're going to have to do it in your own fucking time.

01:04:47Guest:And I'll keep talking, and I want the audience laughing, and I want to fucking... Do you have a list of assholes?

01:04:53Guest:There's a sin bin.

01:04:55Guest:There's a sin bin of people who won't be back.

01:04:57Marc:Really?

01:04:57Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:04:58Marc:Because they're just bad guests or you didn't like them?

01:05:02Guest:Both.

01:05:03Guest:Mostly it's because they're bad guests.

01:05:07Guest:Some people are just because they're fucking assholes.

01:05:11Guest:I don't want them to come back.

01:05:14Guest:But most of the time I view it like it's kind of a business.

01:05:17Guest:You don't have to love everybody, but it's a customer.

01:05:22Marc:It's show business.

01:05:23Marc:That's what it is.

01:05:25Marc:So you're still doing a lot of stand-up.

01:05:27Marc:You've written two books.

01:05:28Marc:Is that a joy of yours or is it just something you're done with?

01:05:32Guest:Well, the first one, the novel, was an act of pure love.

01:05:39Guest:What was that called?

01:05:40Guest:Between the Bridge and the River.

01:05:42Guest:And that... It got well-reviewed.

01:05:45Guest:Yeah, it did well.

01:05:46Guest:And I wrote that before I got this job.

01:05:49Guest:Right.

01:05:49Guest:Just before I got this job.

01:05:50Guest:In between... In between the Drew Carey show and this, I wrote that.

01:05:53Marc:You're like, you're going to write a novel.

01:05:55Guest:Yeah.

01:05:56Guest:Well, I had done a movie that I was unhappy with.

01:05:59Guest:Written it or been in it?

01:06:00Guest:I'd written it.

01:06:01Guest:I'd been in it.

01:06:01Guest:I'd directed it.

01:06:02Marc:Oh, and what happened to that?

01:06:03Guest:And then I looked at it and went, I hate this movie.

01:06:05Marc:It's not available?

01:06:06Guest:It's called I'll Be There.

01:06:08Guest:You can get it on DVD.

01:06:09Marc:Yeah.

01:06:10Guest:And I don't like it.

01:06:11Guest:And it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to turn out.

01:06:13Guest:And I thought, how the fuck can that happen?

01:06:14Guest:If you write a movie and you're starring in the movie and you direct the movie and it turns out not like you want, how the fuck can that happen?

01:06:21Guest:No one to blame but yourself.

01:06:23Guest:Well, you see, that's where I disagree.

01:06:27Guest:I blame myself 90% for that movie.

01:06:32Guest:But I blame the producers 10%.

01:06:35Guest:They didn't make the same movie as me.

01:06:37Guest:They didn't want to make the same movie.

01:06:38Guest:They shouldn't have been in business with me.

01:06:40Guest:And that's why I take most of the blame, because I shouldn't have been in business with them.

01:06:44Marc:So it wasn't an independent film?

01:06:45Guest:No, it was for Morgan Creek.

01:06:48Guest:Oh, yeah, I remember that.

01:06:49Guest:Yeah.

01:06:49Guest:How did they ruin it?

01:06:53Guest:Casting.

01:06:53Guest:It's all about casting and development.

01:06:56Guest:See that word development?

01:06:57Marc:Too many people involved.

01:07:00Guest:Yeah.

01:07:00Guest:Too many people who don't do what you do.

01:07:04Guest:It's like having fucking audience members coming up and discussing the joke before you tell it.

01:07:07Guest:You go, no.

01:07:09Guest:You like it, you don't like it.

01:07:10Guest:I don't fucking... It's not a democracy.

01:07:12Guest:Right.

01:07:13Guest:So the reason I went to the novel because I thought I want to try...

01:07:17Guest:telling a story where i listen to no one um and take no counsel from anyone about anything they want or think should be in the story yeah and then that's when i wrote the novel and i like it i'm proud of that novel it's a good book yeah and and it's and it's the way i would have it be and the memoirs uh that's the second book yeah the memoir is more of a kind of i got juice i can sell a book

01:07:42Guest:No, that was the beginning of it.

01:07:46Guest:What happened was I had just done the White House Correspondence Dinner, and so I got a big, big offer from HarperCollins for the book.

01:07:55Guest:And I said, oh, okay, I'll have somebody write it.

01:07:59Guest:I'll talk to somebody.

01:08:01Guest:I'll take all this fucking money.

01:08:03Guest:And then I started to think about who I would do it.

01:08:07Guest:And I was angry at non-existent people that I hadn't met for getting my book wrong.

01:08:12Guest:So I wrote it myself.

01:08:13Guest:And what happens is...

01:08:15Guest:Well, you know that.

01:08:16Guest:I mean, even if you're doing a shitty gig somewhere, you want it to be the best you can fucking be.

01:08:20Guest:Yeah.

01:08:21Guest:And so I started writing the book thinking, well, I'll just, I'll do this myself.

01:08:25Guest:And then when I go into it, I really kind of, it mattered to me.

01:08:29Guest:And it does matter to me.

01:08:29Guest:And I think I did a good job.

01:08:31Guest:And it tells the story as accurately and as honestly as I can remember it.

01:08:37Guest:Right.

01:08:38Guest:You know.

01:08:40Marc:How's your memory?

01:08:41Marc:It's okay, I think.

01:08:42Marc:Isn't it weird?

01:08:43Marc:Are you having problems?

01:08:44Marc:I mean, I'm 48 and I'm starting to lose things.

01:08:47Guest:No.

01:08:48Guest:You got most of it?

01:08:49Guest:Every now and again, a name will drop out.

01:08:51Guest:Like a little air pocket.

01:08:54Marc:Because you've lived in a lot of different places as I have too.

01:08:56Marc:You still can place everybody in the right geographical location?

01:08:59Guest:I don't know.

01:08:59Guest:I don't think about it that much.

01:09:00Guest:I got the show to do.

01:09:01Marc:Right, no, but like when someone comes up to you, hey, Craig.

01:09:04Guest:Oh, no, see, that's fucked.

01:09:05Guest:What happens is that's terrible because what happens is if you get any degree of fame, even the little amount of fame that I've got, people come up to you and go, hey, Craig, and you don't know if you've met him or no man.

01:09:16Marc:Right, and they'll play you.

01:09:18Marc:And you're like, shouldn't I, did we?

01:09:21Guest:No, you can't say that because then you're insulting them.

01:09:23Marc:Right, right.

01:09:24Marc:You just play along until you realize.

01:09:25Guest:Hey, what's up?

01:09:26Guest:There you go.

01:09:28Guest:Yeah.

01:09:29Guest:You try and go through it.

01:09:31Guest:What was that time we, yeah.

01:09:33Guest:Where was the last time I saw you?

01:09:35Guest:That kind of thing.

01:09:36Guest:Yeah.

01:09:36Guest:Yeah, that's fucked up.

01:09:39Marc:Who's on the show tonight?

01:09:41Guest:I don't know.

01:09:41Marc:All right.

01:09:43Marc:That's all right.

01:09:44Marc:There's no reason for you to know.

01:09:46Guest:You got a couple hours.

01:09:46Guest:I'll recognize them when they come out.

01:09:47Guest:When did we last see you?

01:09:50Marc:Well, thanks for talking to me.

01:09:51Guest:I know.

01:09:51Guest:It's nice to be on your podcast.

01:09:53Marc:All right.

01:09:53Marc:Were you good?

01:09:54Guest:Yeah, I think we're good.

01:09:56Thank you.

01:10:01Marc:Okay, that's it.

01:10:02Marc:I bet you learned a few things.

01:10:04Marc:Thank you for listening.

01:10:05Marc:Please go to WTFPod.com.

01:10:07Marc:Get yourself set up with some shit.

01:10:08Marc:Some WTFPod shit.

01:10:10Marc:If you want to, get the app.

01:10:12Marc:Get on the mailing list.

01:10:14Marc:Check the episode guide before you start annoying me to book people that I've already booked before.

01:10:19Marc:Maybe make a few comments if they're pleasant and not completely asinine and hurtful.

01:10:25Marc:Perhaps get hooked up with some JustCoffee.coop.

01:10:29Marc:Yep.

01:10:30Cool.

01:10:31Marc:Pow, look out.

01:10:33Marc:I just shit my pants.

01:10:34Marc:JustCoffee.coop, available at WTFPod.com.

01:10:37Marc:If you get the WTFPod blend, the WTF blend, I get a little something on the back end, kicking a few shekels.

01:10:44Marc:Do what you want.

01:10:45Marc:Watch a few videos.

01:10:46Marc:So many things to do.

01:10:47Marc:Pick up the first 100 episodes on DVD.

01:10:50Marc:Get linked up to some of those special episodes that you may have missed on iTunes Premium.

01:10:55Marc:yeah go look at pictures see old videos whatever do it you know do what you need to do I'm gonna be on Conan next week on Wednesday I already taped it went good I feel fucking disgusting I made my own almond milk and the Vitamix that's something

01:11:26you