Episode 275 - Chelsea Handler

Episode 275 • Released April 29, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:Lock the gate!

00:00:07Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:Alright, let's do this.

00:00:25Marc:How are you, what-the-fuckers?

00:00:26Marc:What-the-fuck buddies?

00:00:27Marc:What-the-fuckineers?

00:00:28Marc:What-the-fuckalos?

00:00:30Marc:Alright, enough.

00:00:31Marc:Enough.

00:00:32Marc:It can go on forever.

00:00:33Marc:Some kid in Texas just brought me a whole new list of them.

00:00:36Marc:I'm not encouraging this, but if you want to challenge yourself to figure out new what-the-fuck names, by all means do it.

00:00:43Marc:I am Mark Maron.

00:00:43Marc:This is WTF.

00:00:45Marc:We do have an interesting and amazing show.

00:00:47Marc:Poolside Chat with Chelsea Handler.

00:00:50Marc:I went to her house and sat by her pool and

00:00:53Marc:And chatted with her about stuff.

00:00:56Marc:That was kind of cool.

00:00:57Marc:It's kind of interesting to be in Chelsea Handler's house.

00:00:59Marc:I didn't steal anything.

00:01:01Marc:I did go to the bathroom.

00:01:02Marc:And she did have one of those toilets that has buttons.

00:01:04Marc:I think it's a Japanese toilet.

00:01:06Marc:Gives you a lot of options.

00:01:07Marc:The seat's warmed.

00:01:08Marc:And that was in like the guest bathroom.

00:01:09Marc:So we're talking that level.

00:01:11Marc:We're talking warm toilet seats and bidet action, if you so choose.

00:01:16Marc:I didn't choose that.

00:01:17Marc:It makes me nervous.

00:01:18Marc:I wasn't quite sure how to use it.

00:01:20Marc:And since then, I've experienced the squirting toilet that warms itself.

00:01:25Marc:And it's okay.

00:01:27Marc:You know, I don't know.

00:01:28Marc:It's not my thing necessarily.

00:01:30Marc:It's nice.

00:01:31Marc:But whatever.

00:01:33Marc:She had one of those.

00:01:34Marc:Okay.

00:01:34Marc:I don't need to go into it.

00:01:36Marc:But she had a very nice pool and we had a nice chat.

00:01:38Marc:That'll be coming up in just a second.

00:01:39Marc:I don't know if you got it yet, but I just got mine and they are fucking cool.

00:01:44Marc:The DVD of the first 100 WTFs on MP3 files.

00:01:50Marc:You've been asking for it.

00:01:51Marc:Some of you guys don't do the app thing.

00:01:52Marc:You don't do the iTunes thing.

00:01:54Marc:Here it is.

00:01:55Marc:All 100 of the first WTFs.

00:01:58Marc:on mp3 with an additional live wtf in brooklyn on video in one big beautiful box set i just got mine i've been selling these things to you and i hadn't seen it yet and i'm holding it and it's fucking cool i don't mean to brag but it's my shit i can brag go check it out it's on the home page at wtf pod right there in the right hand column it's also in the merch section of wtf pod and in the premium section or you can go to astrecords.com slash wtf to order it directly

00:02:27Marc:It's awesome.

00:02:29Marc:There's descriptions.

00:02:30Marc:It's awesome.

00:02:32Marc:That's all I'm going to say about that right now.

00:02:34Marc:Quick plug for me before I forget.

00:02:36Marc:Phoenix, Arizona this week, this Thursday at Stand Up Live.

00:02:41Marc:I will be there for one night only.

00:02:42Marc:Come on down.

00:02:43Marc:Do that.

00:02:44Marc:It's going to be fun.

00:02:46Marc:That's that.

00:02:48Marc:I am back from Austin, Texas.

00:02:50Marc:The Moon Tower Comedy Festival was awesome.

00:02:53Marc:What a great time.

00:02:54Marc:Got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while.

00:02:56Marc:Mr. Tom Rhodes was out there who gets an honorable mention in today's show.

00:03:01Marc:Chelsea Handler gives Tom Rhodes an honorable mention in a very specific way.

00:03:06Marc:Who else did I see up there?

00:03:07Marc:Saw Stephen Wright.

00:03:08Marc:It was hilarious.

00:03:09Marc:I'd never seen him live before.

00:03:11Marc:I'd never sat through an hour and a half of Stephen Wright, and it was great to see him.

00:03:15Marc:But I'll tell you, I...

00:03:16Marc:I feel closer to him since I talked to him on this show, and I love the guy.

00:03:21Marc:He's such a sweet guy, and he's so funny, and he loves to laugh.

00:03:24Marc:And I walked into the hotel one night.

00:03:26Marc:It was the night before he was going to perform, and everybody was upstairs in this lounge hanging out, partying or whatever, and I just walk into the lobby, and there's just Stephen Wright sitting in a chair by himself wearing a baseball hat holding a toothbrush.

00:03:42Marc:That's the whole scene.

00:03:43Marc:Nobody else is around.

00:03:45Marc:He's just sitting there by himself.

00:03:46Marc:And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:03:48Marc:Why isn't someone hanging out with Stephen Wright?

00:03:51Marc:So I go over there.

00:03:51Marc:I'm like, what's up, buddy?

00:03:52Marc:He's like, hey, man, how you doing?

00:03:54Marc:And I'm like, you know how hilarious it is that you're just sitting here by yourself in your hat holding a toothbrush?

00:04:00Marc:And he said...

00:04:01Marc:I guess that is pretty funny, just me sitting here and he started laughing.

00:04:05Marc:That guy's a sweetheart.

00:04:06Marc:He was great.

00:04:07Marc:I hope that festival keeps going because I tell you, they treated the comics well.

00:04:11Marc:The venues were great.

00:04:13Marc:Everything was well staffed.

00:04:15Marc:They had great parties and the transportation was good.

00:04:19Marc:It was just top notch.

00:04:20Marc:It was really one of the best festivals ever.

00:04:22Marc:i had been to and this is the first year for the moon tower comedy fest and austin is great and it's great when it's not a huge clusterfuck like south by or whatever else goes on there that's huge this was just the right size and i i of course did what i always do in austin i challenged myself to uh eat as much slowly cooked meat as i possibly could that seems to be what you do in austin could you turn your phone off mark sure mark why don't i get right on that

00:04:45Marc:You've been doing this for over two years.

00:04:47Marc:You can't fucking get your shit together and turn your fucking phone off before you do the goddamn show.

00:04:51Marc:Hey, why don't you back off, man, and just shut up.

00:04:54Marc:This is getting weird, okay?

00:04:55Marc:We're talking to ourselves.

00:04:57Marc:Phone is off.

00:04:59Marc:Thank you.

00:04:59Marc:All right, shut up now.

00:05:01Marc:Hey, so Austin.

00:05:03Marc:Slow cooked meat, smoked meat, barbecue central.

00:05:07Marc:That's what you do there.

00:05:08Marc:How much fucking meat can I shove into my dumb face?

00:05:11Marc:So I get there.

00:05:12Marc:And of course, everyone's talking about this Franklin's barbecue.

00:05:14Marc:But you know, when you hear about a barbecue place or any fucking restaurant for that matter, where the part of the description is, hey, it's great.

00:05:21Marc:You got to wait online for a day.

00:05:23Marc:You might have to camp out, but they have the best brisket.

00:05:26Marc:But that's if they don't run out.

00:05:28Marc:You know what that means to me?

00:05:29Marc:I'm going to check that restaurant off of my list.

00:05:31Marc:So I just said, you know, fuck you, Franklin's.

00:05:33Marc:I ain't going to do it.

00:05:34Marc:I know everybody loves you.

00:05:35Marc:Not going to do it.

00:05:36Marc:Then there's the other place.

00:05:37Marc:The guy who taught the guy from Franklin's how to cook his meat.

00:05:41Marc:The same thing.

00:05:42Marc:Might run out of meat.

00:05:43Marc:Best in the world.

00:05:44Marc:Got to get there early.

00:05:45Marc:I don't want to I don't want to barbecue at nine in the morning.

00:05:47Marc:I'm not going to do it.

00:05:48Marc:So fuck that, too.

00:05:50Marc:So I went to my place that I usually go in Austin, Sam's Barbecue, which is in I'm not going to say the hood.

00:05:55Marc:I'm going to go ahead and say the black neighborhood because I'm not going to play that game.

00:05:59Marc:Like, hey, man, I went to the hood.

00:06:00Marc:It is where it is.

00:06:01Marc:But it's like this place.

00:06:02Marc:It's in a house.

00:06:03Marc:I think I might have talked about it before.

00:06:04Marc:From what I understand, Sam's got into some trouble and they had to close down for a while for for smoking stolen meat.

00:06:11Marc:There were things.

00:06:12Marc:At least it was good meat.

00:06:13Marc:I'll eat stolen meat.

00:06:14Marc:Yeah, it's not my I don't have a problem with that.

00:06:16Marc:I got no beef with stolen meat, but I went over there and it seemed like the love was gone.

00:06:20Marc:You know, I had a had some ribs, had some brisket, had some mutton.

00:06:24Marc:It's the only place in the world I've ever had barbecued mutton.

00:06:26Marc:And if you have barbecued mutton, which is awesome, it's basically just a slab of burnt fat with one morsel of beautiful, succulent meat in the middle.

00:06:37Marc:But the rest of it was like, meh, I was a little upset.

00:06:40Marc:And I knew in my heart that I probably wouldn't be going back there.

00:06:43Marc:So here's where it gets kind of dicey.

00:06:45Marc:Part of the thing about looking for the best barbecue is you want to have the place that nobody else knows about.

00:06:50Marc:You want to discover the best barbecue.

00:06:52Marc:You want to be able to go, really?

00:06:54Marc:You've never heard of that place?

00:06:55Marc:Well, that's weird because it's the best fucking barbecue I ever ate at in my life.

00:07:00Marc:i didn't think i was going to find that but by a weird series of events i was hanging out with this dude josh uh from rolling stone magazine and we did i did some event i did some interview for food republic and i was talking about going to sam's and some woman in a large woman in a wheelchair after i was talking about barbecue said you got to go to opi's you got to go to opi's in spicewood texas

00:07:23Marc:And I was like, wow, that sounds... What's Opie's?

00:07:26Marc:And Josh, who grew up in Austin, was like, I don't know what Opie's is.

00:07:28Marc:And I'm like, fuck, man, she looks for real.

00:07:30Marc:She looks like she's eaten way too much barbecue in her lifetime.

00:07:34Marc:And no, she's like, they got the big pork chops.

00:07:37Marc:They got everything.

00:07:37Marc:And I'm like, we got to take this ride.

00:07:39Marc:How far is it?

00:07:40Marc:40 minutes.

00:07:41Marc:And we started asking people, you ever heard of Opie's?

00:07:42Marc:No one fucking heard of it.

00:07:44Marc:Spicewood.

00:07:45Marc:Had to go out to Spicewood, Texas.

00:07:47Marc:So we take this drive, and we come upon...

00:07:50Marc:There's nothing, no real stores around, just Opie's Barbecue.

00:07:53Marc:Beautiful sign.

00:07:54Marc:And I'm like, holy shit, man, I'm feeling good about this.

00:07:57Marc:And we walk in, and right when you walk in, you're greeted by a guy.

00:08:01Marc:Comes up, he goes, you want to see your meat?

00:08:03Marc:And I'm thinking, that's kind of forward.

00:08:06Marc:Well, I guess he didn't say see my meat and I don't want to be a bad jokester here, but I'm like, what?

00:08:11Marc:And he's like, then he just opens up this long cylindrical tank right next to the door, flips it open.

00:08:18Marc:And in there is all the different meats they got all smoked out, man.

00:08:22Marc:It was an open casket barbecue place.

00:08:25Marc:You could see they had the pulled pork.

00:08:28Marc:They had the beef ribs.

00:08:28Marc:They had the pork ribs.

00:08:29Marc:They had the brisket.

00:08:30Marc:They had the pork chops, which were like, they look like they must have been a pound or two, two pounds each, three inches thick.

00:08:37Marc:We're like, fuck yeah.

00:08:38Marc:They had the sausage.

00:08:39Marc:Holy shit.

00:08:40Marc:Loaded up.

00:08:40Marc:Got some sausage.

00:08:41Marc:Got a pork chop.

00:08:43Marc:Got beef ribs.

00:08:44Marc:Got brisket.

00:08:45Marc:Bam.

00:08:46Marc:Loaded that shit up.

00:08:47Marc:Sat down there and just started shoving beef into our face.

00:08:50Marc:It was unbelievable.

00:08:52Marc:I'm telling you, man.

00:08:52Marc:It's Monday.

00:08:53Marc:I'm still processing that stuff.

00:08:55Marc:I don't want to give you too much information, but I'm still digesting meat.

00:08:59Marc:It might go on for a while.

00:09:01Marc:But here's what happens.

00:09:02Marc:And this was a feeling that I had.

00:09:06Marc:You know, obviously you're going to get too much barbecue.

00:09:09Marc:And this stuff was amazing.

00:09:10Marc:The brisket was amazing.

00:09:11Marc:It was really the best I ever had.

00:09:12Marc:And I love the fact that nobody really knew about it.

00:09:14Marc:That you had to travel.

00:09:15Marc:It was out of the radar.

00:09:16Marc:It wasn't Lockhart.

00:09:17Marc:It wasn't Salt Lake.

00:09:18Marc:It wasn't Franklin's or Mueller's.

00:09:20Marc:It was Opie's.

00:09:20Marc:Where the fuck's that spice wood, bro?

00:09:23Marc:All right.

00:09:24Marc:All right.

00:09:25Marc:Highway 71, man.

00:09:27Marc:Okay.

00:09:28Marc:So there we were, overextended.

00:09:30Marc:We'd shoved all the meat we could in ourselves.

00:09:33Marc:You know, we're trying to just sit there like, oh, man.

00:09:36Marc:Well, we got to take a break, man.

00:09:37Marc:I think I'm done.

00:09:38Marc:You got to burp to make room for cobbler.

00:09:40Marc:They had cobbler and that blue bonnet ice cream or whatever.

00:09:42Marc:Is that what it's called?

00:09:43Marc:I don't know.

00:09:44Marc:But there was this moment where I'm looking down at like two or three beef ribs.

00:09:48Marc:That was it.

00:09:48Marc:That's all that was left.

00:09:50Marc:Just beef ribs and grizzle.

00:09:52Marc:And that was all that was left.

00:09:53Marc:But we were so stuffed.

00:09:54Marc:And it was like horrifying.

00:09:57Marc:Those three beef ribs just sitting there.

00:09:58Marc:And I couldn't quite identify the feeling.

00:10:01Marc:And I realized it's really pretty much the exact same feeling you have.

00:10:05Marc:I don't know if you've had this feeling where you have sex with somebody that you probably shouldn't have to begin with.

00:10:11Marc:And now they're still in your room.

00:10:14Marc:Maybe that's a specific feeling to travelers.

00:10:17Marc:road performers and whatnot but there's that moment where you're like you finish and you're like oh man gotta can I call these ribs a cab can we get a cab for these ribs I'm starting to hate myself

00:10:33Marc:But we made room for cobbler.

00:10:34Marc:And I've never had this experience.

00:10:36Marc:Me and this kid, Josh, who I don't know that well, were about to share some sort of weird gastronomical puke frenzy in the car.

00:10:42Marc:It wasn't that we were nauseous.

00:10:43Marc:We were actually filled up.

00:10:45Marc:But I mean really filled.

00:10:46Marc:I mean, I was filled up to just below my esophagus.

00:10:50Marc:Like, I didn't know if I was going to puke because my body was just going to reject what I had done to it.

00:10:56Marc:I felt bad, but I felt good.

00:10:58Marc:You know what I'm saying?

00:10:59Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:11:01Oh, yeah.

00:11:10Marc:Hey, doggies.

00:11:14Marc:Hey, doggies.

00:11:17Marc:What's going on?

00:11:21Guest:Cats?

00:11:22Guest:Smell cats?

00:11:24Guest:Yeah?

00:11:26Guest:Okay.

00:11:32Guest:Who is my name?

00:11:34Guest:Are you and me?

00:11:34Hi!

00:11:34You are packing!

00:11:36Guest:Hello.

00:11:39Guest:Hey!

00:11:40Guest:How are you?

00:11:41Guest:Good, how are you?

00:11:41Guest:Good.

00:11:42Guest:This is Shelly, Mark.

00:11:43Guest:Hi, Shelly.

00:11:44Guest:Hi, Shelly.

00:11:44Guest:Hi.

00:11:45Guest:How are you?

00:11:46Guest:Good, nice to see you.

00:11:47Guest:Sorry, I hope you weren't waiting.

00:11:49Guest:Not too long.

00:11:50Guest:Hi.

00:11:51Guest:Hi, baby.

00:11:52Guest:Are you big fat babies?

00:11:53Guest:I had to take a picture of that guy working on his...

00:11:56Guest:That motorcycle outside.

00:11:58Marc:Whose motorcycle is that?

00:12:00Guest:I don't know.

00:12:00Guest:Oh, Shelly's.

00:12:01Guest:She's a lesbian.

00:12:02Marc:Oh, okay.

00:12:03Marc:The X-Plane's a motorcycle?

00:12:04Guest:Yeah.

00:12:04Marc:Is that what that means?

00:12:05Guest:Yeah.

00:12:06Marc:Okay.

00:12:06Guest:How you doing?

00:12:07Marc:Good.

00:12:07Marc:Where do you want to do this?

00:12:08Guest:I don't know.

00:12:08Guest:You want to go outside?

00:12:09Guest:Or is that bad for noise?

00:12:11Marc:No, I think we can go outside.

00:12:12Marc:Great house.

00:12:13Marc:Did you build it?

00:12:14Guest:No, we remodeled it a bit.

00:12:16Guest:I mean, we're still in the process of doing the exterior and stuff and the outside, but we just broke down all the walls and kind of, you know, did some work on it.

00:12:25Guest:But no, it was built.

00:12:26Guest:Has there ever been a time where all seven of those chaise lounges had people in there?

00:12:31Guest:No, and that's what everyone says every time they look over there.

00:12:34Guest:They're like, what the fuck is the point of that?

00:12:35Guest:It's like a mini hotel, I guess.

00:12:37Guest:No, it's never been.

00:12:39Guest:But I like hotel living, so I like to feel like I live in a hotel.

00:12:43Guest:Sure, okay.

00:12:48Marc:There.

00:12:50Marc:You remember.

00:12:50Marc:You've held mics like that before.

00:12:52Guest:Yeah, I have.

00:12:53Marc:I think the last time we ever really hung out for any real reason was we shot our Comedy Central Presents on the same night.

00:13:01Guest:At the same night?

00:13:02Guest:Oh, yeah?

00:13:02Marc:Don't you remember?

00:13:03Guest:What theater was that?

00:13:04Guest:Come on.

00:13:04Guest:Yeah, I remember that.

00:13:05Marc:The Hudson Theater in New York.

00:13:07Guest:Uh-huh.

00:13:07Marc:You were wearing a long dress.

00:13:09Guest:I was?

00:13:09Guest:That doesn't sound like me.

00:13:10Marc:I know.

00:13:11Marc:You were wearing a long dress.

00:13:12Guest:During my set?

00:13:13Marc:Yeah.

00:13:14Marc:Yeah.

00:13:14Marc:No.

00:13:15Guest:Come on.

00:13:15Guest:No way.

00:13:16Guest:I was never wearing a dress during stand-up.

00:13:18Guest:I've never done such a thing.

00:13:19Marc:All right.

00:13:20Marc:Now we're going to have to Google it.

00:13:23Guest:Google it.

00:13:24Guest:How much do you want to make a bet I was not wearing a dress?

00:13:26Marc:What do you think you were wearing?

00:13:27Guest:Jeans and a shirt maybe or maybe nice pants.

00:13:30Guest:I dressed like a real tomboy when I was doing stand-up purposely.

00:13:34Guest:I didn't want to look like a woman.

00:13:35Marc:But that was 2006.

00:13:36Marc:So it was like, you know, you were already... That was before I crossed over.

00:13:41Marc:It is?

00:13:41Guest:Before I got my... Before you became the glamorous... That was before I crossed over in my transgender surgery and became an official woman.

00:13:50Guest:This was when I was still a man slash horse.

00:13:53Marc:No, all right.

00:13:54Marc:Maybe I'm remembering it.

00:13:55Guest:We probably weren't even filming on the same night.

00:13:57Guest:You're not even remembering.

00:13:59Marc:We were filming on the same night.

00:14:00Marc:Unless you were a different person, I know.

00:14:02Marc:I know we were filming on the same night.

00:14:03Guest:I was a different person.

00:14:04Guest:Another person that you filmed with, that probably wasn't me.

00:14:06Marc:No, maybe you just don't remember it.

00:14:08Marc:Maybe you're blocking that whole thing out.

00:14:09Guest:I remember filming that at Comedy Central.

00:14:11Marc:But you don't remember me being part of it at all?

00:14:14Marc:We did it on the same night.

00:14:15Guest:I just don't remember wearing a dress.

00:14:17Marc:Was the goal to be a comic?

00:14:19Guest:Are we recording now?

00:14:20Marc:Of course we're recording.

00:14:24Guest:I'm like, how long is this small talk going to go on for?

00:14:26Marc:This is all that is.

00:14:27Marc:The whole thing is small talk.

00:14:29Marc:You think I have an agenda here other than to not be afraid of you and perhaps charm you for a second?

00:14:36Marc:Every time I run into you, I feel like I make a fool out of myself.

00:14:38Guest:Really?

00:14:38Marc:I saw you at the doctor's office.

00:14:40Marc:I spit my lozenge out of my mouth and it landed right on my arm.

00:14:42Guest:Oh, that's embarrassing.

00:14:43Guest:I don't remember that at all.

00:14:44Marc:You don't seem to remember anything.

00:14:45Marc:It's great.

00:14:46Marc:You live a great life.

00:14:48Marc:What is the secret to not remembering anything?

00:14:49Guest:I don't know.

00:14:50Guest:I guess this was a lot of drinking.

00:14:51Guest:I don't remember you spitting the lozenge.

00:14:54Guest:I do remember seeing you at the dog's office.

00:14:56Marc:I saw you at the dog's office.

00:14:57Marc:I was like, oh my God.

00:14:57Marc:And then I was talking to you and I have nicotine lozenges and it just shot right out of my mouth.

00:15:02Guest:Why?

00:15:02Guest:Did you quit smoking?

00:15:03Marc:I haven't smoked in 10 years.

00:15:05Guest:Oh, good for you.

00:15:06Marc:But I eat the lozenges constantly.

00:15:08Guest:Do you smoke?

00:15:09Guest:Well, I did last night.

00:15:10Guest:Do you know what I did last night?

00:15:11Guest:We were here and I smoke sometimes when I drink.

00:15:13Guest:Yeah.

00:15:14Guest:So every day?

00:15:15Guest:Ah, come on.

00:15:17Guest:No, I actually can't.

00:15:18Guest:I don't like to drink because I like to smoke when I drink.

00:15:21Guest:So I only drink, you know, like a couple nights a week, actually.

00:15:23Guest:And last night I had like a business meeting here.

00:15:28Guest:I mean, I wouldn't call it business, just people from work.

00:15:30Guest:And I don't know if that qualifies as business.

00:15:33Guest:How did they feel about it?

00:15:34Guest:Were they frightened watching their mouths?

00:15:36Guest:They probably thought it was business.

00:15:38Guest:No, nobody's frightened around me.

00:15:39Guest:They know what the deal is.

00:15:41Guest:What is the deal, Chelsea?

00:15:42Guest:Well, the deal is we had a couple glasses of wine.

00:15:44Guest:And then my friend Shelly, who lives with me, they left.

00:15:48Guest:And we started playing ping pong.

00:15:49Guest:And then we put in...

00:15:50Guest:um that movie like crazy and then around one in the morning i decided i want a cigarette i wanted a cigarette and so we called yummy.com do you know yummy.com i don't okay well they're a delivery service and they'll deliver anything well they will but not to bel-air they deliver to santa monica and to west hollywood so finally i called them back and i said i will give you 500 if you bring me a pack of capris and they're like what are capris i'm like they're for russian hookers and we need a pack of capris

00:16:17Guest:And I will give you $500.

00:16:18Guest:And they said, okay, do you have the money in cash?

00:16:20Guest:I said, yes, I do.

00:16:21Guest:And I got off the phone and Shelly said to me, you know, you could have just said 100.

00:16:24Guest:Like they would have come.

00:16:24Guest:She's like, why do you always have to make a 500?

00:16:26Guest:And on top of that, I didn't even have my wallet here.

00:16:28Guest:It's at work.

00:16:29Guest:So I didn't even have the money.

00:16:30Guest:And so she had to use her money.

00:16:31Marc:So you paid the guy $500?

00:16:32Guest:$500 for cigarettes.

00:16:34Marc:And that's all you asked for?

00:16:35Guest:Yeah, cigarettes, a pack of cigarettes.

00:16:37Marc:You are living the rare life.

00:16:39Guest:I know, that's a really embarrassing story.

00:16:41Marc:It's pretty good.

00:16:42Guest:But you're the first to hear it.

00:16:43Marc:Oh, I'm going to break news.

00:16:45Marc:Chelsea Handler pays $500 for Capris.

00:16:48Guest:For Russian hooker cigarettes.

00:16:50Marc:Why are they Russian hooker cigarettes?

00:16:51Guest:Those weird thin ones?

00:16:52Guest:Yeah, the really skinny ones.

00:16:54Marc:But did you ever assume you would be here?

00:16:56Marc:Did you always know you would be sitting in the house like this?

00:17:00Marc:Because I don't really know you that well.

00:17:02Marc:And I interviewed you once before on Air America, and I don't think it went well.

00:17:05Guest:Well, you don't seem to think anything went well, judging from everything.

00:17:08Marc:I thought you looked lovely that night where I pictured you in a dress.

00:17:12Guest:I think you're the one with the memory problem, not me.

00:17:15Guest:The more we talk, the more it's becoming clear.

00:17:18Marc:I know you're wearing a dress.

00:17:20Yeah.

00:17:20Guest:I was never.

00:17:22Guest:There's no way I did stand up in a dress.

00:17:24Marc:When I interviewed at Air America, you looked tomboyish and kind of rough.

00:17:28Marc:But the night we did the Comedy Central Presents, you were wearing a dress.

00:17:32Marc:All right.

00:17:32Marc:I'm not going to argue with you.

00:17:33Guest:Stop biting me.

00:17:34Marc:But how long did you do stand up?

00:17:36Marc:And was that the goal?

00:17:37Marc:Did you just did you not know you were going to end up here?

00:17:40Guest:No, the goal was never even to do stand-up.

00:17:43Guest:I think I just ran out of ideas.

00:17:46Guest:But the goal was always to live a really nice life.

00:17:49Guest:That was kind of my main focus.

00:17:51Marc:So any way you could do that?

00:17:52Guest:I was just like, listen, I've got to figure out a way that I can have everything that I want.

00:17:58Guest:And I wanted to be creative about it.

00:18:02Guest:And you chose stand-up?

00:18:03Guest:I chose stand-up because I didn't want people writing my material for me.

00:18:08Guest:I would audition and I was like, these lines are so stupid and embarrassing.

00:18:12Guest:Aren't they?

00:18:15Guest:Yeah.

00:18:15Guest:I wasn't good at that, auditioning.

00:18:17Guest:I would get really nervous and make an ass out of myself like you seem to do on a regular basis.

00:18:22Marc:Sure.

00:18:22Marc:Isn't that part of our job?

00:18:23Marc:I mean, you seem to be this rare comic that doesn't make an ass out of herself.

00:18:27Marc:You just bust balls.

00:18:28Guest:Well, actually, you're kind of right.

00:18:31Guest:I really don't make an ass out of myself.

00:18:32Guest:Now that you said that, I'm going to knock on this wood table right there because that's all I need is to like, you know, falling down drunk at a hotel or something and have that.

00:18:41Guest:No, I don't.

00:18:42Guest:I usually try to make an ass out of myself at private affairs like my house or other people's homes.

00:18:46Guest:Sure.

00:18:47Guest:Paying $500 for cigarettes.

00:18:48Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:18:49Guest:Yes, exactly.

00:18:50Guest:Like if someone else would have gotten in their car and driven drunk and then gotten a DUI for cigarettes, at least I'm smart enough to know not to get into my car.

00:18:57Guest:right and then you paid that guy i'm sorry this dog is biting the shit out of me stop it that doesn't feel nice but do you play up the drinking i mean do you drink a lot no everyone i i just talk about drinking so they assume that i'm drunk all the time which is absurd obviously i could never do what i'm doing if i was drunk all the time no yes i like to party but i don't come home and get fucked up at three o'clock in the afternoon or every night for that matter

00:19:22Guest:I don't drink Mondays through Wednesdays is my deal.

00:19:25Guest:And usually I try to make it to Friday.

00:19:27Guest:Most of the time I do make it to Friday.

00:19:29Guest:But if I have like a dinner that's going to be unbearable, like a business dinner with someone like, you know, my attorney or something, I have to drink because otherwise I can't even suffer through that.

00:19:38Marc:But you came from what, New Jersey?

00:19:40Guest:Yeah, Livingston.

00:19:41Marc:I know where Livingston is.

00:19:43Marc:Do you?

00:19:43Marc:Yeah, my mother came from Pompton Lakes and Wayne.

00:19:46Marc:I know where Wayne is.

00:19:47Marc:I lived in Wayne for like a couple of years when I was very young.

00:19:51Guest:Okay.

00:19:51Marc:But what was your background?

00:19:52Guest:Did you embarrass yourself there?

00:19:53Marc:Sure.

00:19:54Marc:I embarrassed myself the whole way.

00:19:55Marc:I'm a very insecure, embarrassable guy.

00:19:57Guest:Do you have kids?

00:19:58Marc:I don't have any kids.

00:19:59Marc:Do you?

00:19:59Guest:No.

00:20:00Marc:All right.

00:20:01Marc:What's the problem with that?

00:20:02Guest:Well, I just was wondering like if you have kids and you're this insecure, like how that would affectuate your children.

00:20:07Marc:Well, I think my insecurities led me not to have children.

00:20:10Marc:I'm that insecure.

00:20:10Guest:But you're married.

00:20:11Marc:No, I've been married twice.

00:20:13Marc:I'm not married right now.

00:20:14Guest:Oh, you're not married?

00:20:15Guest:No.

00:20:15Guest:Oh, oh.

00:20:17Guest:I pictured you married.

00:20:18Marc:No, I'm not married.

00:20:19Marc:Look, I fucked up my life.

00:20:21Guest:God bless you.

00:20:22Guest:Sorry, that's a dog for listeners who are wondering why I keep saying don't bite me.

00:20:25Guest:So suburban New Jersey.

00:20:26Guest:Yeah.

00:20:27Guest:And what kind of... You're not Jewish, though.

00:20:29Guest:Yeah.

00:20:29Guest:You are Jewish.

00:20:30Guest:You were brought up Jewish.

00:20:31Guest:Yeah, I was raised Jewish.

00:20:32Guest:I was bat mitzvahed.

00:20:33Guest:Really?

00:20:33Guest:Uh-huh.

00:20:34Guest:You don't look Jewish.

00:20:35Guest:I know.

00:20:36Guest:Well, I mean, my hair isn't naturally blonde, if that helps.

00:20:39Guest:My mom used to call me Shiksa.

00:20:41Guest:Because she's not Jewish?

00:20:42Guest:Well, my mom wasn't Jewish, but we were raised Jewish.

00:20:45Guest:And my mom would always say, like, she would always grab my nose and say, you have a Shiksa nose.

00:20:48Guest:You have a Shiksa nose.

00:20:49Guest:You don't look like a Jewish girl at all.

00:20:50Guest:Was that proud?

00:20:51Guest:Was she angry that she had to raise you Jewish?

00:20:53Guest:Probably.

00:20:55Guest:I thought my mom was Jewish until I was like 10.

00:20:58Guest:What was she?

00:20:59Guest:She was Mormon.

00:21:00Guest:Get the fuck out of here.

00:21:01Guest:Yeah, she was Mormon.

00:21:02Guest:Like really?

00:21:02Guest:Yeah, but she like, you know, kind of suppressed it because my dad was like, we're not raising our kids Mormons.

00:21:08Marc:How the hell does a Jew meet a Mormon person?

00:21:10Guest:She's German.

00:21:11Guest:She was from Germany.

00:21:11Guest:She was over here on traveling like one of her relatives.

00:21:14Marc:Was she on a mission?

00:21:15Guest:No, she wasn't like a practicing Mormon.

00:21:18Guest:She only got into Mormonism actually really like late in her life.

00:21:21Guest:So it was kind of unbearable to listen to.

00:21:23Marc:Do you have cousins in Utah?

00:21:26Guest:Probably.

00:21:26Guest:I have cousins that are Mormon that I avoid.

00:21:29Guest:Really?

00:21:30Guest:They're not in Utah, though.

00:21:31Marc:I was just in Utah, and there was that weird moment where if you meet a Mormon in real life, you're like, holy fuck, who's a Mormon?

00:21:36Marc:Are you sober?

00:21:37Guest:Yeah.

00:21:38Guest:Okay, that's what the problem is.

00:21:39Guest:Because I was just trying to figure out, when you said you weren't married and you really screwed up your life, I figured you must be sober.

00:21:44Guest:Because you must have had a serious drinking problem.

00:21:46Marc:I did all right.

00:21:49Yeah.

00:21:49Guest:That makes sense.

00:21:51Guest:Everything's making sense now.

00:21:52Marc:No, but I mean, I was sober when I lost a second wife.

00:21:55Guest:You were?

00:21:56Guest:Yeah.

00:21:56Guest:What happened?

00:21:57Marc:I was an asshole.

00:21:59Guest:Why?

00:21:59Marc:What do you mean?

00:22:00Marc:You don't know what it feels like to the satisfaction of being an asshole?

00:22:03Marc:I would think of anybody that you would appreciate that.

00:22:06Guest:In a relationship?

00:22:07Guest:Sure.

00:22:07Guest:No, I don't treat people badly in relationships.

00:22:09Marc:Ever?

00:22:09Guest:no no i get pissed off yeah and then if i'll walk away but i don't treat people badly like i don't you don't carry a grudge i don't like emotionally abuse oh well yeah if i'm pissed at someone's behavior like if they're inappropriate i just cut it off i'm like that's it we're done but no i mean i never was like emotionally abusive to a to a like a relationship never no i'm very respectful yeah yeah but i guess guys are better at being assholes than girls i

00:22:37Marc:I don't know.

00:22:37Marc:I mean, when I watch your show, which I do.

00:22:40Marc:That's embarrassing for you.

00:22:42Marc:It is a little difficult.

00:22:43Guest:It's another way for you to embarrass yourself.

00:22:46Marc:Well, I'm just trying to cop to it.

00:22:47Marc:I'm not saying I watch it all the time because you don't have me on it, but I watch it.

00:22:50Guest:You can come on it anytime you want.

00:22:52Guest:Of course.

00:22:52Marc:Will you treat me like shit and yell at me?

00:22:54Guest:Yeah, probably.

00:22:55Guest:I mean, it's usually how it goes.

00:22:57Marc:I'm just trying to figure out.

00:22:58Marc:So when did you leave New Jersey?

00:23:00Marc:What did that look like?

00:23:01Marc:What were you like in high school?

00:23:03Marc:Were you like a bully?

00:23:04Marc:Were you mean?

00:23:05Marc:Come on, you have to have been.

00:23:07Guest:No, I mean, I'm sure I did.

00:23:08Guest:I got bullied a lot.

00:23:10Marc:For what?

00:23:11Marc:Being a half Jew Mormon?

00:23:12Guest:No, for everything.

00:23:13Guest:I mean, girls were nasty growing up.

00:23:15Guest:I was put through hell.

00:23:16Marc:You were not the nasty girl.

00:23:17Guest:No, I was definitely nasty to people at times, yes.

00:23:20Guest:But I was definitely, I mean, I switched schools at one point because the girls were so mean to me.

00:23:25Guest:I mean, the senior girls.

00:23:27Marc:What was the angle of the meanness?

00:23:28Guest:Well, I hooked up with, like, you know, a guy, a senior guy when I was a freshman.

00:23:32Guest:Like, you know, I made out with him or something.

00:23:33Guest:Yeah.

00:23:34Guest:And that caused, like, a huge stir.

00:23:35Guest:And so then all the senior girls hated me.

00:23:36Guest:And that was horrifying.

00:23:38Guest:Yeah.

00:23:38Guest:I was like, I didn't even.

00:23:39Marc:So you got the sweat moniker?

00:23:40Guest:Not.

00:23:41Guest:Yeah.

00:23:42Guest:Well, that.

00:23:42Guest:But, I mean, I didn't even sleep with him, you know.

00:23:44Guest:I didn't even do anything.

00:23:45Marc:Well, you don't have to in high school.

00:23:46Guest:No, you don't.

00:23:47Guest:not that but I guess you know someone he was like I don't know whatever but they were yeah I had my share of bullying I know what it's like to me I don't think of myself as a bully I mean I'm not like a bad person I know a lot of people probably do but I mean the show is so stupid that I do it's not like it's serious like I mean it's so dumb it's not like it's actually hurting anybody I would never do any or like wish harm on anyone or do anything bad spirited I'm so not that person no one with three dogs is that person no right that's actually really good you know what I was saying to my friend the other day I was like

00:24:17Guest:You know what I said?

00:24:19Guest:You can tell the character of somebody if a dog walks by and whether they like look at it or just completely ignore it.

00:24:25Guest:Right.

00:24:25Guest:Like if a dog runs, you know, there's a person that could will that completely has no interest in a dog.

00:24:30Marc:Right.

00:24:30Guest:And I'm not a big animal person.

00:24:32Marc:I mean, you like your dogs.

00:24:33Guest:Well, I mean, yeah, I like my dogs.

00:24:35Marc:Well, I'm the same way.

00:24:36Marc:I have cats.

00:24:38Marc:Don't even say anything.

00:24:40Marc:What?

00:24:40Marc:I travel a lot.

00:24:40Marc:I can't afford people to watch my dogs.

00:24:42Guest:Well, I don't have to say anything because you're already embarrassing.

00:24:45Guest:You're expounding upon it.

00:24:46Marc:I'm not embarrassed about it.

00:24:47Marc:I own it.

00:24:47Marc:I talk about it constantly.

00:24:48Marc:I'm not like a cat guy.

00:24:50Marc:I just have cats.

00:24:51Guest:Is this your main source of income, this show?

00:24:53Marc:No, I do the stand-up.

00:24:54Marc:I'm writing a book.

00:24:55Guest:What are you writing a book about?

00:24:56Guest:Your life?

00:24:57Marc:Sure.

00:24:57Marc:Things, essays.

00:24:58Guest:And you go on the road still?

00:25:00Marc:I go on the road more now than ever because this thing has kind of changed things around.

00:25:03Marc:It's very popular.

00:25:04Marc:About 300,000 people will download this.

00:25:07Guest:How many?

00:25:08Marc:300,000.

00:25:09Marc:Okay.

00:25:09Guest:Well, tell me.

00:25:10Guest:I'll tweet about it.

00:25:10Marc:No, we're definitely going to do that.

00:25:12Marc:We're not done yet.

00:25:13Guest:I know.

00:25:13Marc:You're closing my show already.

00:25:15Guest:Do you edit this or do you just air the whole thing?

00:25:17Marc:We'll see.

00:25:18Marc:If it's really horrible, I'll probably edit it.

00:25:20Guest:Okay.

00:25:20Guest:Well, if you talk anymore, it will just get worse.

00:25:22Guest:So why don't you start asking some questions?

00:25:24Marc:I've been asking you questions the whole time.

00:25:26Guest:Oh, sorry.

00:25:26Guest:I know.

00:25:27Guest:I ask a lot of questions to people.

00:25:28Guest:Sorry.

00:25:28Guest:I get discursive.

00:25:31Marc:When you did stand-up, how much stand-up did you really do?

00:25:35Marc:How many years were you doing it when you were touring?

00:25:38Marc:Were you ever a draw as just a stand-up before the shows?

00:25:42Guest:Yeah, I was headlining before I got my show.

00:25:45Guest:Clubs and stuff.

00:25:45Guest:I started doing stand-up when I was 21.

00:25:49Guest:I did my first week on the road with Zach Galifianakis and Dave Attell in San Francisco at the Punchline, which was the funniest week of my life.

00:25:57Marc:But I was really bad.

00:25:59Marc:Was that Attell headlining?

00:26:00Guest:Yeah, Zach was middling and I opened.

00:26:02Guest:I was really bad.

00:26:04Guest:But I got good.

00:26:05Guest:I mean, it takes a long time to get good at stand-up.

00:26:08Guest:It takes a long time.

00:26:10Guest:I didn't get good until I had to.

00:26:12Guest:I had to.

00:26:13Guest:Until I was headlining.

00:26:14Guest:I didn't have an hour until I had to have an hour.

00:26:17Guest:So what was that?

00:26:18Marc:About six years in?

00:26:19Guest:I was probably...

00:26:22Marc:Because I don't think people know you as a stand-up, which I think is odd.

00:26:26Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:26:26Guest:I went on the road all the time.

00:26:27Guest:I mean, I didn't do it like Attell or any of those guys did it.

00:26:30Guest:But I went on the road.

00:26:31Guest:I mean, I stayed at those horrible motels.

00:26:34Marc:Did you sleep with fans?

00:26:36Guest:In Sacramento at the Punchline.

00:26:37Guest:Oh, at the Arden Mall?

00:26:38Guest:In Cincinnati and Cleveland.

00:26:41Guest:Yeah, no, I've been on the road like for years at a time.

00:26:45Guest:I mean, and with the last two tours I did were books.

00:26:47Guest:So those were, you know, I mean, that's flying in and doing like a 5000 seat theater, which is obviously what you've always dreamed of when you start to do stand up.

00:26:55Guest:So that's I mean, I've been on the road, obviously, for, you know, collectively.

00:27:00Guest:I mean, that's obviously not like, you know, sowing my oats.

00:27:03Guest:That's right now.

00:27:04Marc:That's right.

00:27:05Marc:Yeah.

00:27:05Guest:But before that, yeah, I would go and you don't even make money.

00:27:09Guest:You're like you're spending money to go do stand up.

00:27:12Guest:Yeah.

00:27:12Guest:At the end of the day, because you make so little, you know, being like middling, you know, Jeff Wills.

00:27:17Guest:Yeah, of course.

00:27:18Guest:He's the one who would put me on the road and like.

00:27:20Guest:Well, he had faith in you.

00:27:21Guest:Do you still work for them?

00:27:22Guest:Yeah, I do it on my touring with him.

00:27:23Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:27:24Guest:Yeah, I have a picture of him with his shirt off somewhere in that room.

00:27:29Guest:We go on vacations.

00:27:30Guest:He's got a good eye.

00:27:30Marc:He's got a good eye, that Will.

00:27:32Guest:Well, he just likes women because, you know.

00:27:34Marc:But he also seems to have a good sense of who's going to be big and who isn't.

00:27:37Guest:Yeah, he does, actually.

00:27:38Guest:Yeah, no, no doubt.

00:27:39Guest:He's got, you know, he introduced me to Attell.

00:27:41Guest:I hung out with Attell last week at the Comedy Cellar.

00:27:43Marc:He seems good, doesn't he?

00:27:44Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:27:44Guest:He's all sobered up.

00:27:46Guest:He's sober, so he's fucking boring.

00:27:48Guest:His hair is long.

00:27:49Guest:Yeah.

00:27:49Guest:He should hang out.

00:27:50Marc:We do occasionally.

00:27:51Guest:The good thing about him is he doesn't talk about his sobriety.

00:27:53Guest:I appreciate that.

00:27:54Marc:Does he talk much at all?

00:27:55Guest:No.

00:27:56Guest:He's always on his way in or way out.

00:27:58Guest:Even when you're sitting down with him, it's like you're waiting for him to leave.

00:28:01Marc:Oh, yeah, because you're like, hey, Dave.

00:28:02Marc:He's like, what?

00:28:03Marc:And then it's over.

00:28:06Guest:He's probably my favorite comedian of all time.

00:28:08Guest:did you when you toured with him did he was he nice to you yeah he was always nice to me he was drinking back then so you know he was mean drunk but like i loved him anyway i mean i had like a crush on him when i first started because he's like the funniest yeah no he's great yeah sure and so i really and i would be he would have me open for him at caroline's uh-huh you know when i was in new york he threw me a bunch of gigs actually but we never we never slept together or anything no i don't think you ever sweep with any comics

00:28:32Guest:Yeah, one.

00:28:34Guest:Tom Rhodes.

00:28:35Guest:You slept with Tom Rhodes?

00:28:36Guest:Yeah.

00:28:36Guest:How was that?

00:28:37Guest:10 years ago.

00:28:38Guest:Oh, good for you.

00:28:38Guest:It's embarrassing.

00:28:40Guest:I think I slept with him twice.

00:28:42Marc:In San Francisco?

00:28:44Guest:No, we were in San Francisco.

00:28:46Marc:Yeah.

00:28:47Guest:Oh, this is God.

00:28:49Guest:We were in San Francisco.

00:28:50Guest:He was at Cobbs, the old Cobbs.

00:28:51Guest:Right.

00:28:51Guest:The great Cobbs.

00:28:52Guest:Yeah.

00:28:53Guest:Oh, I never performed there, but I was at the punchline.

00:28:55Guest:I guess we came went out after.

00:28:57Guest:I don't know if I knew him or I may have met him that night, I guess.

00:29:01Guest:And we ended up going back to this hotel and we had like amazing sex.

00:29:05Marc:I'm going to be happy to hear that.

00:29:07Guest:Then we met up in L.A.

00:29:09Guest:like months later.

00:29:10Guest:He was coming to L.A.

00:29:10Guest:and he called me.

00:29:11Guest:And so I went down to the improv and we went up to get like he had a car.

00:29:16Guest:Like I grew up with a used car dealer for a father.

00:29:19Guest:So if I'm embarrassed by a car like this car was just the worst I mean it was the one of his caddies wasn't it wasn't even like an old caddy like a good caddy like in between being like like a classic and not right good at all And so we went and I think it was his father's car or something I mean the story and then we went to the Hyatt on sunset to get a room and

00:29:42Guest:And he was asking for a room with a view.

00:29:45Guest:And I'm like, we're not going to look out the view.

00:29:48Guest:Like, what are you doing?

00:29:50Guest:And it was the worst, most awkward sex ever.

00:29:53Guest:So you go from like having the best sex and it's like, don't go to a good restaurant two nights in a row because it's never going to live up to your expectations.

00:30:01Guest:Like we should have just let it alone.

00:30:02Guest:and never seen each other again but instead and then i think we tried again one more time after that because we couldn't like wrap our minds around that it was so bad the second time the sex was so bad i mean we must have been so high or so fucked up when we did have sex you know that we thought it was so amazing and the next i think we tried like twice and it was just a debacle of epic proportions and i haven't seen him since

00:30:26Marc:He's doing all right.

00:30:27Guest:No, but every once in a while, Jeff Wills will send me a picture of him and go, do you remember your lover?

00:30:31Guest:He's the only comedian I've ever slept with.

00:30:33Marc:Well, I guess that's an honor, being that you know so many comedians.

00:30:36Guest:An honor for him?

00:30:37Marc:Yeah.

00:30:40Marc:An honor for him.

00:30:40Marc:He wins the Chelsea Prize.

00:30:43Guest:Yeah, I guess so.

00:30:43Marc:How do you manage not to fuck a lot of comedians being around comedy songs?

00:30:46Marc:I guess if you're a stand-up and you're a woman, you can't be fucking everybody.

00:30:49Guest:Well, no.

00:30:51Marc:Because then you're not a comic.

00:30:52Marc:You're a comic fucker.

00:30:53Guest:But it's not even like you're really attracted to comics when you're a comic.

00:30:57Guest:I mean, who wants to date another comic?

00:30:59Guest:I mean, how annoying.

00:31:00Guest:I'm already so annoyed by myself.

00:31:03Guest:You know us too well?

00:31:04Guest:Yeah.

00:31:05Guest:I mean, I can't even imagine what the psychological foundation of a male comedian is.

00:31:11Marc:You can't?

00:31:11Guest:No, I mean, I can and I don't want anything to do with it.

00:31:14Guest:Sounds awful.

00:31:16Guest:I'm not like negative like that.

00:31:18Guest:Like I'm not negative.

00:31:19Guest:I'm not an overthinker.

00:31:21Guest:I'm over like I'm much more simple.

00:31:23Guest:So that kind of energy really brings me down.

00:31:26Marc:So your dad was a used car dealer?

00:31:28Guest:Well, he thought he was a car.

00:31:29Guest:He'd like to refer to himself as a car dealer.

00:31:32Right.

00:31:32Guest:And then people would get confused.

00:31:33Guest:I would never say used car dealer when I was growing up because I was embarrassed.

00:31:36Marc:Right.

00:31:37Guest:But now I realize that.

00:31:38Marc:So you always had a car, just a shitty one?

00:31:39Guest:Well, we had like 18 cars.

00:31:41Guest:That was the problem in our driveway.

00:31:43Marc:Was that his lot?

00:31:44Guest:Pretty much.

00:31:45Guest:Yeah, pretty much.

00:31:46Guest:He didn't have any place of business.

00:31:47Guest:He would park cars down the street, at office buildings.

00:31:51Guest:Right.

00:31:52Guest:He'd meet people in parking lots to sell cars?

00:31:53Guest:Yes, yes, exactly.

00:31:55Guest:He's a pretty embarrassing person.

00:31:57Guest:Did your mom work?

00:31:58Guest:she worked on occasion i guess when things were really strapped she would get a job but like as a private nurse and she didn't really work that much they were home all the time it made no sense how many sisters and brothers do you have six that's ridiculous yeah you're the youngest oh my god so you had a fight my brother should be around here somewhere was he not here when you got here i don't know does he work here no he lives here okay how many people live at your house

00:32:21Guest:three okay my brother my shelly's who's my like a really good friend she moved out here from dallas when i got this house she helped design it decorate it it's great it's beautifully decorated i know thank you she she helped and then my friend brad wallach who's on the show his wife helped a lot and she has a girl's ashley britney that helped and

00:32:40Guest:And she she was in a lesbian relationship.

00:32:43Guest:So the lesbians moved out here when I was looking for a house.

00:32:46Guest:I was living in somewhere else.

00:32:49Guest:I was renting a house and I was looking to buy.

00:32:50Guest:And so they both moved out here and then they broke up.

00:32:53Guest:And so I got custody of Shelly and the other ones back in Texas.

00:32:56Marc:Wait, so which brother lives with you?

00:32:58Guest:My brother Roy.

00:32:59Guest:Where is he on the... He's the second born.

00:33:03Guest:Okay.

00:33:03Guest:So my mom had three boys.

00:33:05Marc:Does he work for you?

00:33:06Guest:He's the chef on the show.

00:33:07Guest:He cooks for the show, and he cooks for us.

00:33:09Marc:So being the youngest of six kids, I mean, did you have to fight just to have any identity at all?

00:33:14Marc:Is that why you're like this angry kind of tough girl?

00:33:18Guest:Yeah, I'm very angry.

00:33:20Guest:No, I don't... You're not?

00:33:22Guest:No, I'm not angry.

00:33:23Marc:All right.

00:33:24Guest:You want me to be angry.

00:33:25Guest:I do.

00:33:26Guest:Yeah.

00:33:27Guest:I think everyone does.

00:33:29Guest:No, no, I'm not angry.

00:33:31Guest:I just don't care.

00:33:31Guest:That's the thing.

00:33:34Guest:Yeah, I had to fight for attention.

00:33:35Guest:Totally.

00:33:35Guest:Yeah.

00:33:36Guest:I mean, I was like, you know, the center of every I was like the center of my family's universe.

00:33:39Guest:And so I, you know, I was the youngest and I was like had blonde hair and I was, you know, cute.

00:33:44Guest:So I got attention and I wanted it more and more and more and more and more and more.

00:33:47Marc:Were you beat up by five siblings?

00:33:50Guest:no they i hung out with my brothers like a lot i was very close to my brother not this one as much my other brother glenn growing up we hung out all the time like and he was 10 years older than me but he would take me to work with him he would take me to like because i was just like you know a loud mouth and they got a kick out of it when i was like seven or eight it was really funny now it's just obnoxious

00:34:09Guest:When I was talking like this at seven or eight, which I was, people were like, oh my God, look at this girl.

00:34:14Guest:She's like spunky and ridiculous.

00:34:16Guest:Like I would just nail people to a wall.

00:34:17Guest:Like his friends that were in college would come home.

00:34:19Guest:I'd be like, what's wrong with your outfit?

00:34:21Guest:You look like an asshole.

00:34:22Guest:And people would just think it was so funny.

00:34:24Guest:So they gave me license to continue behaving this way.

00:34:27Guest:but my brother died i had a brother who died so that's where the whole like attention void came from because i got all this attention and then it was stripped away because when my brother died everybody in my family was just like you know super super like ruined from it so then all of a sudden like no one was paying attention to me so my reaction to that is obviously what led me to to entertaining what i'm doing now yeah the uh the envy of the attention of your brother's passing

00:34:53Guest:people like do you go to therapy i'm like no i can pretty much figure out what happened like he died and all of a sudden i wasn't important i'm like yeah i pretty much couldn't put it glue it together without what happened how did he die he fell he was hiking in wyoming in the grand tetons and he fell oh my god yeah really bad like horrifying yeah so that was bad how long ago was that i was 10 so 25 years ago 26 years ago

00:35:18Marc:Did your parents bounce back from it eventually?

00:35:20Guest:No.

00:35:20Marc:Never?

00:35:21Guest:Never.

00:35:21Guest:My mom did.

00:35:22Guest:That's when my mom got religious.

00:35:25Marc:Oh, that's when she got more Mormon?

00:35:27Guest:Uh-huh.

00:35:27Marc:But she's already Mormon.

00:35:29Guest:She was Mormon, but she, like, yeah, then she started going to church, and she got really religious.

00:35:33Guest:And then, yeah, my dad, no.

00:35:37Guest:I mean, it was there for my oldest brother.

00:35:39Guest:He was the firstborn.

00:35:40Guest:Oh, God.

00:35:40Guest:So that was really, you know, bad for them.

00:35:43Marc:Right.

00:35:43Guest:My dad was really, like, you know, screwed up for the rest of his life.

00:35:46Marc:He's not with us anymore?

00:35:47Guest:He's here.

00:35:48Guest:Yeah, I just saw him last week.

00:35:49Marc:Yeah?

00:35:49Guest:Does he live out here?

00:35:50Guest:He lives in New Jersey.

00:35:51Guest:I was home.

00:35:52Marc:You were?

00:35:52Marc:Uh-huh.

00:35:53Marc:When you go home, is that, are you, like, do you have a key to the city?

00:35:55Marc:Are you, like, the Princess of Livingston?

00:35:57Guest:Yeah.

00:35:57Guest:Well, I don't really hang out in Livingston because everyone lives outside of the city.

00:36:01Guest:Like my brothers and sisters all live in New Jersey.

00:36:04Guest:They do?

00:36:04Marc:That's amazing.

00:36:05Marc:So did you like grow up going to Willowbrook Mall and shit?

00:36:07Guest:Yeah, totally.

00:36:08Guest:Short Hills and Livingston Mall.

00:36:10Marc:Paramus Park?

00:36:11Guest:No, no.

00:36:12Guest:Paramus, no.

00:36:13Marc:That's far.

00:36:13Guest:I know Willowbrook.

00:36:15Marc:Willowbrook was the original mall.

00:36:17Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:36:18Guest:Yeah, I used to love malls.

00:36:19Marc:Yeah, just spend the day there with your friends, right?

00:36:22Guest:Yeah, now they gross me out.

00:36:23Guest:Yeah, it's hard.

00:36:23Guest:And California is like the nicest malls, and they give me anxiety.

00:36:27Guest:Just parking is so annoying.

00:36:28Marc:No, I know.

00:36:28Marc:It'll stop you from doing almost everything.

00:36:30Marc:I know.

00:36:31Guest:Like the Grove?

00:36:32Guest:The Grove?

00:36:33Guest:No, can't do it.

00:36:34Guest:When people mention the Grove, I cringe.

00:36:36Marc:Yeah.

00:36:36Marc:So what do you do?

00:36:37Marc:Where do you shop?

00:36:38Marc:I don't really just have people bring in things to the office.

00:36:42Marc:That's good.

00:36:42Guest:Well, I know it sounds awful, but like I don't really have time for any of that because I work all the time.

00:36:48Guest:So it's not like I go shopping like, you know, I was in New York last week and I went shopping.

00:36:52Guest:Yeah.

00:36:52Guest:But I, you know, I don't really go.

00:36:54Guest:There's people.

00:36:56Marc:Did you do any of the shows?

00:36:57Marc:Did you Letterman or anything in New York?

00:36:59Guest:Yeah.

00:37:00Guest:No, I did.

00:37:01Guest:Howard Stern.

00:37:02Guest:I did morning stuff.

00:37:03Guest:Yeah.

00:37:03Guest:Today I did Kelly.

00:37:05Marc:You like doing the morning radio?

00:37:07Guest:No, I'd never done Stern.

00:37:09Marc:That was the first time?

00:37:09Guest:Yeah.

00:37:10Marc:What did he come at you with?

00:37:12Guest:Nothing.

00:37:12Marc:He was nice?

00:37:13Guest:Yeah, he was.

00:37:13Guest:I really liked him.

00:37:14Marc:He didn't ask lurid questions?

00:37:17Guest:A little bit, but not anything too bad.

00:37:19Marc:Yeah.

00:37:19Guest:I mean, I'm not really, you know.

00:37:21Marc:You're pretty well documented.

00:37:22Guest:I mean, yeah, it's not like I got a lot of secrets or closets or attic.

00:37:26Guest:What's that?

00:37:27Guest:Secrets in your closet?

00:37:28Guest:Closets in your attic?

00:37:29Guest:Yeah, I don't know.

00:37:30Guest:Attics in your asshole?

00:37:31Guest:Skeletons in the closet?

00:37:32Guest:Yeah, that's it.

00:37:34Guest:I don't have a lot of those.

00:37:34Guest:I pretty much... Yeah, you're right.

00:37:36Marc:You didn't kill a man.

00:37:36Marc:You copped us with Tom Rhodes.

00:37:38Guest:That's why paparazzi isn't that bad with me.

00:37:40Guest:I never have it bad because it's like I talk about everything I do.

00:37:46Marc:But also, you're sort of like... The way you handle celebrity in terms of how you handle celebrities is pretty... You're pretty...

00:37:52Guest:you don't cut them much slack so I mean the paparazzi must feel like you're a kindred spirit on some level I'm sure they do they think that yeah I think they think like I'm on their team maybe right yeah she's one of us don't bother her because you know if they take a picture of me if I'm coming out of a restaurant or something and I'm like you know what you guys like whatever if I say could you please just not take a photo of me it's not like no one cares I don't think I've seen any my girlfriend's sort of a gossip head I guess when you were out in public with 50 Cent that was the most I saw yeah well that's the last time I'll ever date a famous person seriously because that's I realized that I was like that's not going to work for me

00:38:22Marc:How long did you date him?

00:38:23Guest:Two months.

00:38:25Marc:How did you meet 50 Cent?

00:38:27Guest:He came on the show.

00:38:27Guest:That's how I meet all my men.

00:38:28Marc:Oh, really?

00:38:29Marc:Yeah, pretty much.

00:38:29Marc:And then it's like a spider's web?

00:38:31Guest:Well, I'll just be like, oh, that guy's hot.

00:38:32Guest:Book him.

00:38:33Guest:But no, that's not actually how I meet all my men.

00:38:35Guest:But he came on the show and then he was like, you know, sending me flowers.

00:38:40Guest:And I thought it was just funny.

00:38:42Guest:Yeah.

00:38:43Guest:It was funny.

00:38:43Guest:He's a sweet guy.

00:38:45Guest:He really is.

00:38:46Guest:He's not anything like you would imagine.

00:38:47Guest:You know, he's kind of like very.

00:38:49Marc:Did he show you his scars?

00:38:51Guest:Yeah, I saw his scars.

00:38:52Marc:Yeah.

00:38:53Marc:A lot of them, right?

00:38:54Guest:Well, we had sex, so I pretty much saw everything that he had.

00:38:56Guest:Do you understand what sex is?

00:38:57Marc:I do.

00:38:58Marc:I understand you inserted his penis into your vagina.

00:39:01Guest:Oh, I didn't insert it myself.

00:39:02Marc:He helped out.

00:39:03Guest:I think so.

00:39:04Marc:Kind of mutual coming together of penis and vagina.

00:39:07Guest:Yeah, it was basically, yeah.

00:39:09Guest:It's like in biblical terms.

00:39:10Marc:How is that sex on a scale from Tom Rhodes to the best sex you've ever had?

00:39:16Guest:it was good i mean it was fine it was it was you know it wasn't the best sex i've ever had but it was good sex i mean i liked him it was fun it was like a fun little you know like had you dated a black man before yeah in high school i dated one yeah yeah or a couple maybe i went through a black phase you did but then i came back and then i really wasn't into black eyes and then i now i kind of i kind of like black eyes

00:39:40Guest:Is there a big difference?

00:39:41Guest:But I like all men.

00:39:42Guest:I just kind of find a lot of men.

00:39:44Guest:I don't have a type at all.

00:39:46Guest:That's the thing.

00:39:47Marc:But how about insecure, angry Jews?

00:39:50Marc:Anything?

00:39:52Guest:I don't like angry.

00:39:53Marc:Oh.

00:39:54Guest:Insecure is a big turnoff.

00:39:57Guest:But most people are able to cover up insecurities with other behavior.

00:40:01Guest:So it's hard to find out someone's insecure until you really get to know them.

00:40:04Guest:Insecurity can kind of manifest itself in so many different ways.

00:40:07Guest:But when it's blatantly on the table, it's almost more acceptable than trying to cover it up with a bunch of nonsense.

00:40:13Marc:Doesn't everyone cover up insecurity?

00:40:14Marc:I mean, you're a comedian.

00:40:15Marc:You're telling me you're not insecure.

00:40:16Marc:You're not hiding some sort of fear.

00:40:19Marc:You're not overcompensating somehow.

00:40:21Guest:Well, I'm sure I'm overcompensating for something, but I'm not very fearful.

00:40:25Guest:I mean, what are you fearful of?

00:40:29Marc:That's a good question.

00:40:30Marc:Usually it's just tomorrow.

00:40:32Guest:Yeah, I don't have that.

00:40:33Guest:Are you on medication?

00:40:34Marc:No, no, no.

00:40:35Marc:I've gotten a lot better with it.

00:40:36Marc:I have anxiety, sort of dread.

00:40:38Marc:Like, if I have to know, if I used to be, like, I'd know I'd have to do something big a week away and be like, oh, fuck.

00:40:42Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:44Guest:Yeah, but it doesn't seem like... I have anxiety sometimes, you know.

00:40:47Guest:I sometimes have anxiety about my, like, life.

00:40:49Guest:I'm like, oh, my God, look at this.

00:40:50Guest:Like, what if I screwed this up?

00:40:52Guest:What if I... Oh, right, right, right.

00:40:53Guest:You know, like, that I went... You know, last week we were in New York City and we went to a friend's apartment and...

00:41:00Guest:You know how people live in New York.

00:41:01Guest:It's just completely, you know, you're a grown up and you're living in a shoebox.

00:41:06Guest:Right.

00:41:06Guest:You know, we're at my friend's and it was like, it was like a wonderful night.

00:41:10Guest:And everyone, you know, it was a bunch of us over and we're drinking wine, eating cheese.

00:41:13Guest:And it was like, you know, it was like one of those little like kind of special things.

00:41:17Guest:And but I was looking around this place and it's this beautifully charming apartment, you know, in the West Village.

00:41:23Guest:It would fit in your kitchen.

00:41:24Guest:Yeah.

00:41:24Guest:And I was just like, oh, my God, I can't ever live like this.

00:41:28Guest:because I'm such... I honestly can't because that gives me anxiety.

00:41:32Guest:I wouldn't be able to be as happy as I am, even though you think I'm angry.

00:41:37Guest:I wouldn't be able to be as... I need... I like luxury.

00:41:42Guest:I really like nice things.

00:41:44Guest:Some people don't care about that.

00:41:46Marc:Well, I think the people that don't care, a lot of them have never experienced it.

00:41:50Marc:Because even when, you know, I grew up, you know, upper middle class Jew.

00:41:53Marc:You know, we had a pool when I was a kid.

00:41:56Marc:But, like, there is something about, like, I live in a little house in Highland Park.

00:41:58Marc:And when I was sitting there waiting for you, there were a couple of thoughts that went through my head.

00:42:01Marc:It was like, wow, this is really fucking nice.

00:42:04Marc:Maybe I should make money more important to me.

00:42:06Marc:And then there was the other thing is like, is she making me wait on purpose?

00:42:11Marc:She's probably in the house and just wants to rub this in my face.

00:42:14Guest:No, no, I would never, ever behave like that.

00:42:16Guest:The minute I heard you were here, I came over.

00:42:18Guest:I didn't know what kind of thing this was.

00:42:21Guest:I didn't know if you needed to set up.

00:42:22Guest:I didn't know you were literally walking around with two microphones.

00:42:24Marc:Yeah, that's how I do it if I do it on the road.

00:42:26Marc:I don't do this for anybody.

00:42:28Marc:I only do this for rare occasions.

00:42:29Guest:No, I'm very, listen, I'm obviously very grateful.

00:42:32Guest:And that's the one thing that sometimes I get anxiety about is like, okay,

00:42:36Guest:how do I keep this going and how do I not screw up and how do I, you know, because not everything is going to be a success.

00:42:42Guest:You're going to have stuff that doesn't go well.

00:42:44Guest:And, you know, there's always people that are going to obviously, you know, can't stand you.

00:42:49Marc:But the show on E!

00:42:49Marc:is solid.

00:42:50Marc:I mean, right?

00:42:51Marc:I mean, you were in for a while.

00:42:52Marc:Sure.

00:42:52Guest:The show on E is solid.

00:42:53Guest:The After Lately show is solid.

00:42:55Guest:The NBC show's ratings have gone up, which is good because it started out rough.

00:42:59Guest:I wasn't in the beginning.

00:43:00Guest:Why?

00:43:01Guest:Because it's a sitcom and I hate sitcoms.

00:43:03Guest:It's cheesy and it sounds fake and it's not fake, but it sounds fake.

00:43:08Guest:are they your writers i mean did you choose them all no no no it's a total world it's a separate world i'm involved in it i'm not as heavily involved in it as i am with my other shows after lately and chelsea lately obviously yeah chelsea lately solid you know we're moving to a new stage and that's great but it can still get better yeah um you know what are your feeling what what do you what bothers you about it about what i mean are you there chelsea the no no no let's start with all the shows with chelsea lately like if you think it can be better what is it that you're not doing

00:43:35Guest:I don't know.

00:43:36Guest:It needs another pump.

00:43:38Guest:We get great ratings, but they're the same.

00:43:43Guest:It's plateaued.

00:43:44Guest:It stayed the same for the last six months.

00:43:46Guest:We get the same numbers.

00:43:47Guest:You hit a ceiling.

00:43:48Guest:Yeah.

00:43:48Guest:No, no, no.

00:43:49Guest:I don't think we hit the ceiling.

00:43:50Guest:I think there's a lot more room for growth.

00:43:51Guest:But we just have to do like a new campaign and just make the show.

00:43:54Guest:Now, you know, when we were filming all three shows together, Are You There, Chelsea?

00:43:58Guest:And after Lately and Chelsea Lately, it was like nothing was getting my full attention because you're just running around like literally working on three shows, which is, you know, executive producing them and being in them is like, you know, you're working all the time.

00:44:10Guest:And obviously it's the dream come true.

00:44:12Guest:It's not like I'm complaining about working, but.

00:44:14Guest:You just don't have time to make everything the best it can be.

00:44:17Guest:And obviously my first and major foremost priority is Chelsea lately.

00:44:22Guest:So now that I have this time, I want to get it to the next level.

00:44:26Guest:I know it's popular.

00:44:28Guest:We do well every night.

00:44:30Marc:You want to compete with the other late night shows?

00:44:32Guest:Well, we already do.

00:44:34Marc:No, I know, but you want to get a million five, two million.

00:44:36Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:44:37Guest:I want to get the next, you know, I want to get it up.

00:44:40Guest:And it can be, and it's just, and it's a matter of having my full attention.

00:44:43Marc:But do you think it does have anything to do with the network or you think that?

00:44:47Guest:Yeah, well, that's the problem.

00:44:48Guest:You know, it's E, so it's, yes.

00:44:50Guest:But that should, you know, now in the landscape, no.

00:44:53Guest:People, now everyone know, you know, four years ago, people didn't know the show.

00:44:57Guest:Now everyone, at least, whether you watch it or not, you know that it exists.

00:45:01Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:45:01Guest:So it's just about getting it to, you know, having, yeah, a million five viewers a night instead of a million.

00:45:07Guest:You know what I mean?

00:45:08Guest:Like you want to get it.

00:45:09Guest:I mean, we beat the guys in the demos every night, but I'm not even competing with those guys because people, I mean, it's not that same kind of show.

00:45:15Guest:It's a different show.

00:45:15Guest:It is.

00:45:16Guest:Altogether.

00:45:16Guest:It's its own thing.

00:45:17Guest:So, you know, when people are always like, oh, you're the only woman in late night.

00:45:19Guest:It's like, well, yeah, but it's not like, you know, Jay Leno and I are like, you know, comparing numbers every day.

00:45:24Guest:He is.

00:45:25Guest:Well, Jay is.

00:45:26Guest:Yeah, he probably is, Jay.

00:45:28Guest:Jay.

00:45:29Guest:Are you...

00:45:29Guest:Jay was on an episode of After Lately.

00:45:31Marc:Do you guys get along?

00:45:33Guest:Yeah, I get along with everyone.

00:45:34Marc:Let me rephrase it.

00:45:36Marc:I don't think you're angry.

00:45:37Guest:I'm aggressive.

00:45:39Marc:You're aggressive, you're ambitious, you work your ass off, and I think you get a bad rap as being misunderstood.

00:45:45Marc:It's very easy to trivialize people when you just see them on TV.

00:45:48Marc:I've realized this in doing this show and a lot of the people I talk to.

00:45:52Marc:I don't think people who watch TV have a real sense of just how fucking hard work it is and just how much of your life it eats up.

00:45:58Guest:So they just react to you.

00:46:00Guest:It's time consuming.

00:46:01Guest:It's not hard.

00:46:02Guest:It's time consuming.

00:46:03Guest:I wouldn't qualify it as hard.

00:46:05Guest:Really?

00:46:06Guest:Working in television.

00:46:07Guest:I mean, it's pretty kind of, I mean, it's the easiest thing you could do if you have a knack for it.

00:46:13Guest:It's just, you have to, there's a lot of time.

00:46:16Guest:There's a lot of stuff that goes on that people don't even think about.

00:46:18Marc:But you're telling me you don't lose your shit at work where you're like, fuck you, this sucks.

00:46:22Guest:No, I get pissed if something's not done right.

00:46:26Marc:Aren't people frightened of you?

00:46:28Guest:Oh, I'm sure.

00:46:28Guest:I mean, most people are scared of me, but that's just my demeanor.

00:46:31Guest:I mean, that's the way it's been my whole life.

00:46:34Guest:Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a really good girl.

00:46:38Marc:And if they don't, you can go, I have three dogs.

00:46:40Guest:No, I've never thought about it that way.

00:46:43Guest:But now that you brought it up, that is what I'm going to say.

00:46:45Guest:I have three dogs.

00:46:46Guest:I'm Ellen DeGeneres.

00:46:48Guest:Don't you get it already?

00:46:50Guest:See, I'm not the most ambitious person in the world.

00:46:53Marc:Stop it.

00:46:54Marc:Well, maybe you're top five.

00:46:56Guest:I'm not really.

00:46:57Guest:I'm a lucky, I'm lucky.

00:46:59Guest:A lot of things come to me and I have a way of making them work out.

00:47:03Guest:I'm not the most ambitious.

00:47:05Guest:And if you watch my show and see all the people around it and see all the people that I put on my shows, you can tell I'm not the one, I'm not in dire need for the spotlight all the time.

00:47:15Guest:The reason why the show's a success is because there are comedians by nature who want to be the only person speaking having to share a stage with each other.

00:47:25Marc:But that's your gift is taking the spotlight back aggressively when needed.

00:47:29Guest:Well, yeah, I can do that, but I don't have a need for it.

00:47:32Guest:I like to make other I could if I had a need for that, I'd be starring in my own sitcom.

00:47:36Guest:I'd be doing everything I could.

00:47:37Guest:I mean, I try and do as little.

00:47:39Marc:But you don't want to do that.

00:47:40Marc:I think you took like the sort of a secondary role and that's the way to go.

00:47:43Guest:Right.

00:47:43Guest:Well, I mean, right.

00:47:44Guest:But if I was super, super ambitious and was that in love with myself, I would have done it myself.

00:47:49Guest:right how do you how are you correcting that show I mean if you're unhappy with the way what started well no no I mean it's already done we filmed all the episodes but you know they get better each week and last night was a really good episode I was really pleased with it you know the first couple episodes was hard for me to even watch I mean I didn't watch them on TV actually but I you know when I was editing I edit them and stuff

00:48:08Guest:I was just like, God, this looks it's just such a different landscape.

00:48:11Guest:It's just seems so cheesy.

00:48:13Guest:Yeah.

00:48:13Guest:And, you know, with the laughter, people think it's a laugh track.

00:48:15Guest:It's not a laugh track.

00:48:17Guest:I was like I was in the sound booth, like arguing with, you know, I've been there.

00:48:20Guest:I've done it.

00:48:21Guest:It just sounds awful.

00:48:22Guest:And it's so far away from the stage.

00:48:24Guest:It's just sounds canned.

00:48:25Guest:So to me, I have a huge issue with that.

00:48:28Guest:But other than that, you know, Laura's gotten really good.

00:48:30Guest:The girl plays me and the show, you know, Lenny's good.

00:48:33Marc:I like Lenny.

00:48:33Guest:Lenny's great.

00:48:34Guest:And the show last night, like I laughed out loud a few times and the next few episodes and the rest of the episodes are all good.

00:48:39Guest:It was the first couple of ones that I was like a little bit nervous about because the pilot you shoot way before you even shoot the series.

00:48:45Guest:You know what I mean?

00:48:46Guest:So that was, you know, that I couldn't even get through.

00:48:49Guest:I was like, oh, my God.

00:48:50Guest:And then but it got, you know, it's gotten really good.

00:48:52Guest:And I and the numbers went up this week.

00:48:55Guest:And so it's good.

00:48:56Guest:And I think actually it will do well.

00:48:58Marc:When did you come out here?

00:49:00Marc:How old were you?

00:49:01Guest:19.

00:49:01Marc:So you didn't go to college.

00:49:03Marc:You just split.

00:49:04Guest:I went to like a semester at community college.

00:49:06Guest:And I was like, this is a disaster.

00:49:08Guest:Yeah.

00:49:10Guest:County College of Morris.

00:49:13Guest:And I took Russian history.

00:49:15Marc:Wow.

00:49:15Marc:Where the fuck did that come from?

00:49:16Guest:I don't know.

00:49:17Guest:I'm a big history buff.

00:49:18Marc:Are you?

00:49:18Guest:Yeah.

00:49:19Guest:Only like weird history, like Russian history I'm fascinated with.

00:49:22Guest:Why?

00:49:23Guest:I don't know.

00:49:24Guest:I'm reading Catherine the Great right now and I'm just like fascinated by ancient, like, you know, Egypt, Russia, not my own ancestry, like other ancestries.

00:49:34Guest:Actually, I probably am Russian though since I'm a Jew and my dad, you know,

00:49:37Guest:yeah somewhere eastern european i'm sure i'm something so you're fascinated with um with the ancient royalty of some kind yeah i am that fascinates me i just can't believe like people got messages to each other oh and how long it would take like how long like i'm reading this like over through you know peter and she basically just like everyone finds out by messenger they're like your new empress will be catherine the great and like there's no text messaging right so there's like a three or four week layover

00:50:02Guest:even have a fucking rotary phone you're just like what the fuck and in the same day things are happening i just don't understand what are they doing they're by a horse i mean i just find it you know and i love those old like jane air and all that stuff you watch it and you're just like oh my god this is so do you like that uh what is it the something abbey the downtown no i'm dying to see that though because everybody keeps talking about downtown abbey right downtown abbey my girlfriend's hooked what does your girlfriend do

00:50:27Guest:she works with autistic kids oh that's nice yeah and she uh she likes you should introduce her to my friend jenny mccarthy she loves autism she loves it no okay so you came out here when you were 19 and you were just bouncing around you were just did you have an agent or were you just no i was just waiting tables just being an idiot drinking and partying and having fun and doing comedy no i didn't start that till i was like 21 and you started out here

00:50:51Guest:Yeah.

00:50:52Guest:I started in an L.A.

00:50:53Guest:That's hard.

00:50:54Guest:I was never a New York comic.

00:50:55Guest:And that's probably why people don't think I'm a comic.

00:50:57Marc:And that's probably why I didn't know you.

00:50:58Guest:Like you weren't on my radar.

00:50:59Guest:Yeah.

00:51:00Guest:And then, well, everyone thinks like, you know, I got a job because like I'm pretty or something.

00:51:04Marc:There were some rumors around that you were going out with the head of Eve because of

00:51:07Guest:Yeah, we were after the show started, not when the show.

00:51:10Guest:That's not how I got my show.

00:51:11Guest:And everyone who says that is so stupid, as if that's how Hollywood works.

00:51:14Guest:I mean, really, you get a show on the air.

00:51:16Guest:And then my books, did he produce those too?

00:51:20Guest:Does he do my stand-up tour?

00:51:21Guest:I mean, it's so stupid.

00:51:22Guest:I agree.

00:51:22Guest:And we dated after the show began, not before.

00:51:26Marc:So you've gotten that before.

00:51:27Marc:You've heard that before.

00:51:28Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:51:29Guest:I mean, it used to be like I used to like not even acknowledge it because it was so stupid.

00:51:33Guest:And then after so much time has gone by, it's like with all the success and everything that I've been fortunate enough to have, you're like, do you really think one man who does it like is responsible still for this?

00:51:43Guest:What are you talking about?

00:51:44Guest:Is he selling my tickets for arenas?

00:51:46Guest:Like, what are you?

00:51:47Guest:Is he out there?

00:51:47Guest:Like, who is this man?

00:51:49Marc:I think that's a fundamental.

00:51:50Guest:And I lived with him for four years, by the way.

00:51:51Guest:Like, you can't fake it for that long.

00:51:53Guest:And

00:51:53Guest:And if I was going to sleep with someone, first of all, to get a job, it wouldn't be on the fucking e-network.

00:51:58Guest:Hello?

00:51:59Guest:Why don't we start there?

00:52:01Marc:But it's like fundamental sexism.

00:52:03Guest:I mean, it's such an insult.

00:52:05Marc:I know, because obviously the show's a success, and you've written these books, and you do stand-up, but they're like, I was at one.

00:52:11Guest:I know.

00:52:12Guest:I mean, it's like, come on.

00:52:14Guest:Thanks a lot for all the credit.

00:52:17Guest:Do you think that's sexist?

00:52:18Guest:By the way, if I had sexism,

00:52:19Guest:that attitude towards you sexism is bullshit to me i don't even buy into that anymore i mean men and women are equal and that's that in my mind are you guys still friends or is that ted yeah i wouldn't say we're friends i mean ended badly well i just left one day i had had it really yeah we it was good for a long like two years and then the last two years were a bit rough so i just got up and literally walked out the door one morning and never came back here's my brother roy hey roy

00:52:47Guest:How you doing, buddy?

00:52:50Guest:I'm Mark Marin.

00:52:51Guest:Nice to see you.

00:52:52Guest:We're doing a radio show.

00:52:54Guest:That's on iTunes.

00:52:55Guest:Will you go buy it?

00:52:56Guest:You can get it for free.

00:52:57Marc:WTFpod.com.

00:52:58Guest:How do you make money if people can get it for free?

00:53:00Marc:I've got a plan, Chelsea.

00:53:01Marc:It's not a swimming pool plan, but I do okay.

00:53:04Marc:I'm up to my neck in cat food, and I just have my deck painted, so why don't you fucking back off?

00:53:09Marc:I mean, this is how real people live.

00:53:11Guest:You're obviously very angry about my house.

00:53:13Marc:How did you sense that, that I would be angry?

00:53:15Marc:I'm not angry at your house.

00:53:16Marc:I like your house.

00:53:16Guest:You're angry because you keep calling me angry, so you're obviously projecting your anger onto me.

00:53:21Marc:How does that feel?

00:53:22Guest:You've used the word angry like 18 times, and I'm like, my God, this guy is angry.

00:53:27Guest:I'm not.

00:53:28Guest:I'm not.

00:53:28Guest:We should not have done this at my house if this was going to be the result, if your anger was going to be manifesting this.

00:53:34Guest:I think we've had a perfectly pleasant conversation.

00:53:36Marc:No, we totally have.

00:53:37Marc:I'm not unhappy.

00:53:38Marc:I'm not angry.

00:53:39Guest:No, I know.

00:53:40Guest:I know you're trying.

00:53:41Guest:You're probably a lot less angry than you used to be.

00:53:43Guest:That I can tell.

00:53:44Marc:Do you have any memories of how I used to be?

00:53:47Marc:You can't even remember?

00:53:47Guest:No, I'm just saying.

00:53:48Guest:I mean, I know your name.

00:53:49Guest:I mean, I never knew you.

00:53:51Marc:I feel like I know you.

00:53:52Marc:But you're on television.

00:53:54Guest:Well, you probably do know me much better than I know you because...

00:53:57Guest:Yeah, because you're Chelsea.

00:53:58Guest:Because I'm myself.

00:54:00Guest:A lot of times I call you Chelsea Lately, like it's your last name.

00:54:02Guest:A lot of people think that is my last name, actually.

00:54:04Guest:Are you serious?

00:54:04Guest:Yeah, people think, like, I'll go into hotels and be like, Columbus Lately.

00:54:07Guest:I'm like, you've got to be, whose name is Lately?

00:54:10Marc:Isn't it weird, but it's so catchy.

00:54:11Marc:It's a testament to the brand, though, I'll tell you that, that that's your show.

00:54:14Marc:And, like, I say, like, I'm going over to Chelsea Lately's house.

00:54:17Marc:I'm like, oh, fuck, that's not her name.

00:54:18Guest:Maybe I should change my name to lately.

00:54:21Guest:It's got a good ring to it.

00:54:23Guest:Or later.

00:54:24Marc:Chelsea, later.

00:54:26Marc:That'll be the second show.

00:54:27Marc:That'll be on a smaller cable network.

00:54:29Guest:Chelsea, later.

00:54:31Marc:When things start to fall apart, it'll be Chelsea, later.

00:54:35Guest:I remember coming up with the title of that show, actually, on the PCH, when I was with my friend, and they were passing around titles, and I was like, of the show, like the network was trying to think of titles, and I was with my girlfriend, and I was like, what about Chelsea Lately?

00:54:50Guest:And then that was it.

00:54:53Marc:Yeah.

00:54:53Marc:So what's amazing is that a lot of the comics that, you know, you've been very good to comics.

00:54:56Marc:I mean, you know, comics who are on your show can sell tickets.

00:54:59Marc:It's awesome.

00:55:00Guest:Yeah.

00:55:00Marc:And those tours are going well?

00:55:02Yeah.

00:55:02Guest:For the comics?

00:55:03Guest:Yeah.

00:55:03Guest:I don't know.

00:55:03Marc:I mean, don't you never go on them?

00:55:04Marc:Don't you guys, or do they just package them as Chelsea comics?

00:55:07Marc:You don't ever go on those with them?

00:55:08Guest:I only, when I was on tour, did I bring people, you know, from the show.

00:55:12Marc:Who usually opens for you?

00:55:13Guest:I always switch it around from people on the show.

00:55:16Guest:Like, I just.

00:55:17Marc:They must be fucking thrilled.

00:55:18Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:55:18Guest:Of course.

00:55:19Marc:Are you kidding?

00:55:20Guest:Oh, they love it.

00:55:21Guest:I mean, I hate the road, though.

00:55:22Guest:I mean, I've been I literally had to do two books back to back.

00:55:25Guest:So I went on the road for like a year, two years straight almost every weekend.

00:55:28Marc:Isn't the latest book edited book?

00:55:30Guest:I mean, is it lies that Chelsea Handler told me is written by all the people at work?

00:55:34Marc:I mean, you make a lot of fucking money on books.

00:55:36Marc:That's not easy.

00:55:37Guest:Listen, I had no idea you could make that kind of money on books when you wrote the first book.

00:55:42Guest:I mean, my girlfriend's new books coming out.

00:55:44Guest:Sarah Colonna Life As I Blow It.

00:55:45Guest:So people need to go buy that.

00:55:47Guest:Don't edit that out.

00:55:47Guest:It's really funny.

00:55:48Marc:But people, when you wrote the first book, you weren't as big, you were not a huge act, right?

00:55:53Guest:No, no.

00:55:54Marc:It sold on the title and chicks digged it?

00:55:56Marc:What was the thing?

00:55:57Guest:Well, my first book wasn't like number one.

00:55:58Guest:The next book came out.

00:56:02Guest:My Heart is All Life was the first book.

00:56:04Guest:That was, it did fine, but it was like, I was not, no, nobody knew who I was.

00:56:07Marc:But you wrote that when you were just a stand-up.

00:56:09Guest:Yeah, I wrote that before.

00:56:10Guest:I was on Girls Behaving Badly, that show, Girls Behaving Badly.

00:56:12Marc:And that did pretty well for itself.

00:56:14Marc:So people saw you as someone who could sell books.

00:56:16Yeah.

00:56:16Guest:Well, no, I mean, I just came up with this book idea.

00:56:18Guest:And I remember my girlfriends one night are like, you know, your stories are so ridiculous.

00:56:22Guest:Like you should write them in a book.

00:56:23Guest:And I, you know, I didn't even graduate from college.

00:56:25Guest:I'm like, I can't write, but I'm a huge reader.

00:56:27Guest:I read as much as I possibly can.

00:56:29Guest:And so I was like, actually, I guess I could write it.

00:56:32Guest:And I did.

00:56:32Guest:And, you know, David Sedaris, I'd read all of his books.

00:56:35Guest:And I was like, well, if he can write, if you can just write disparate essays, you know, that have no kind of like really beginning, middle or end.

00:56:41Marc:So you wrote that all on, you write them all on your own?

00:56:44Guest:Oh, yes, of course.

00:56:44Guest:I write everything myself.

00:56:45Guest:Everything.

00:56:46Guest:Everything.

00:56:47Marc:That's great.

00:56:47Guest:My stand-up, my books, everything I do myself.

00:56:50Guest:The show, the writers, you know, do a lot.

00:56:53Guest:Oh, yeah, you can't do that.

00:56:54Marc:You can't fill up a daily show on your own.

00:56:55Guest:Well, you can actually on that show.

00:56:57Guest:You can do whatever the hell you want because it's like, I mean, half the time I just, you know, you can, I mean, you're riffing, you're improvising because you don't know what's going to happen or what people are going to say.

00:57:07Guest:Yeah.

00:57:07Guest:But that's what I like, as little preparation as possible.

00:57:11Marc:Yeah, because it seems real and it's raw and it's good.

00:57:13Guest:Yeah.

00:57:13Marc:Yeah, if you're over scripted.

00:57:14Marc:So that's why it must be a challenge to deal with that sitcom.

00:57:17Guest:Well, that's horrible because like even movies I'm doing, like when I go on sets, I always improvise.

00:57:24Guest:I always paraphrase.

00:57:26Guest:Like I have to make it my own.

00:57:27Guest:You know what I mean?

00:57:27Guest:It's not like I'm doing any real acting.

00:57:28Guest:I'm just playing myself in a movie.

00:57:30Marc:Are those beehives?

00:57:31Guest:No.

00:57:31Marc:Oh, it's just the top of the driveway over there?

00:57:34Guest:Where?

00:57:34Marc:Those white things sticking up right up there.

00:57:37Marc:Right there at the top of the hill.

00:57:39Guest:That's furniture.

00:57:40Marc:Oh, okay.

00:57:42Marc:Wait, is that your property?

00:57:43Guest:Yeah.

00:57:43Marc:Have you ever been up there?

00:57:45Guest:Yeah.

00:57:45Marc:Okay.

00:57:47Marc:It's a table?

00:57:48Guest:It was here when we got here.

00:57:50Guest:I don't know what we're going to do with it.

00:57:52Guest:It's like a structure.

00:57:53Guest:There are like two benches.

00:57:54Guest:I don't know what the hell.

00:57:55Guest:I've never sat up there.

00:57:56Guest:Actually, no.

00:57:57Guest:I did.

00:57:58Guest:I had breakfast up there once.

00:57:59Guest:It's a long walk for breakfast.

00:58:00Guest:It is.

00:58:01Guest:It's a pain in the ass to get up there.

00:58:02Guest:That's why we never get up there.

00:58:03Guest:The dogs go up there, though.

00:58:05Marc:So no kids, no marriage?

00:58:07Guest:No, no, no.

00:58:07Guest:I'm not having any kids.

00:58:09Marc:Are you going to get married?

00:58:10Guest:I don't think so.

00:58:11Marc:So wait, now you got a boyfriend now or what?

00:58:13Guest:No, I'm single.

00:58:14Marc:Are you really single?

00:58:16Marc:Mm-hmm.

00:58:17Marc:When you date people, do you lock in and date for one person for a long time?

00:58:21Guest:Yeah, I don't cheat.

00:58:22Guest:I'm not a cheater.

00:58:22Guest:I don't like that.

00:58:23Marc:But you don't date one guy one week and then another guy another week?

00:58:25Guest:No, I mean, I don't really date a lot.

00:58:27Guest:I mean, I usually have a boyfriend, and then I don't have a boyfriend for a significant amount of time, like a few months, and then I go in and I'll start something up.

00:58:36Marc:Is there a similar theme to why your relationships fall apart?

00:58:40Guest:No.

00:58:41Guest:All right.

00:58:42Guest:No, I'm just not...

00:58:43Guest:I like the idea of a relationship, but that's just another component that I'd have to deal with.

00:58:49Guest:It's very time-consuming, a relationship.

00:58:52Guest:My last relationship was extremely time-consuming.

00:58:55Guest:And it was really, really hard for me to focus on anything at all because it was constant.

00:59:00Guest:Because he lived in New York, and I lived here, and it was just constant traveling back and forth and flying there and meeting each other here, and it was just exhausting.

00:59:08Guest:But I prefer a long-distance relationship because I don't really want to deal with somebody on a daily basis.

00:59:13Guest:I don't have enough time.

00:59:16Guest:I like to be alone.

00:59:17Guest:Even though I surround myself with people, I like to be alone within that kind of environment.

00:59:22Guest:But that relationship kind of took the wind out of me.

00:59:26Guest:I was just like, oh my God.

00:59:28Marc:Was he a civilian?

00:59:30Guest:Yeah.

00:59:31Marc:Normal person?

00:59:32Guest:Not in show business?

00:59:33Guest:No, he's not in show business.

00:59:34Guest:Oh.

00:59:35Guest:Although I bet he wishes he was.

00:59:37Marc:Was that a problem?

00:59:38Guest:No, no, no, no.

00:59:39Guest:I don't know.

00:59:40Guest:He was a normal person.

00:59:42Guest:Well, I wouldn't say he was a normal person.

00:59:44Guest:But it was just too much.

00:59:46Guest:It was just exhausting.

00:59:47Guest:It was just too much all the time.

00:59:49Guest:Right.

00:59:49Guest:And it was draining.

00:59:50Guest:It drained me from my career.

00:59:51Guest:It drained me from my work.

00:59:53Guest:I wasn't focused on everything because it was just stressful.

00:59:57Marc:How long did that go on for?

00:59:59Guest:I don't know, like nine or ten, nine months, I think.

01:00:03Marc:I think the convenience of long distance is nice to not have someone in your face all the time, but then the neediness of it becomes intense.

01:00:10Guest:Well, yeah, and then you're on a different time zone.

01:00:12Guest:Yeah, and when do you call?

01:00:14Guest:One person's been drinking, the other person's snot.

01:00:16Guest:You're like, why are you up?

01:00:17Guest:Like, what are you...

01:00:18Guest:And like it would be nice to have a long distance relationship with someone in San Francisco, you know, like where it was an hour away.

01:00:24Marc:Did you Skype?

01:00:24Marc:Did you like get on the video?

01:00:25Guest:No, I've never Skyped anyone.

01:00:27Guest:I don't even know.

01:00:27Marc:Never video chatted?

01:00:28Guest:No, I don't.

01:00:29Guest:No, we don't know.

01:00:30Guest:That's actually really funny though.

01:00:32Guest:Why?

01:00:32Guest:Because I just can't ever imagine myself doing that.

01:00:35Marc:Yeah, no, you should try it.

01:00:36Marc:It's fun.

01:00:37Guest:With whom?

01:00:37Marc:The next long distance relationship you have to keep a distance.

01:00:41Guest:It's weird.

01:00:42Guest:I don't want people to see what I'm up to at night.

01:00:45Marc:You have control over where you sit in the frame.

01:00:47Marc:It's not like it's just a roaming camera.

01:00:49Marc:You turn it on, and then there's their face.

01:00:52Guest:There's your face.

01:00:53Guest:Oh, that's cute.

01:00:53Marc:Yeah, and then you decide how much else you want to reveal and see how that goes.

01:00:57Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:00:58Marc:No, not for you.

01:00:59Guest:No, I think I'm just... Maybe I'll try that next time.

01:01:03Guest:Next relationship.

01:01:03Guest:It's kind of nice.

01:01:04Guest:I'm kind of exhausted by relationships right now.

01:01:06Guest:Just even talking about that relationship is exhausting to me.

01:01:09Marc:Wow.

01:01:10Guest:I know.

01:01:10Guest:It's very draining.

01:01:11Guest:so like that what kind of fans are you dealing with I mean who do you find your biggest audiences and like when you go on the road or the type of male you get or how people react to you on the street women it's a lot of women more men now actually than before but you know it's all girls and moms and daughters and women you know it's that demo that networks love 18 to 34 or 18 to 49 women yeah bye and they like you because you're like you know like she says it like it is

01:01:41Guest:I probably, because I'm probably a lot like, I mean, I'm pretty normal as far as my thoughts go.

01:01:48Guest:It's just expressing them isn't as common.

01:01:51Guest:So I think that's probably what it is.

01:01:53Guest:Because I am just like a normal girl.

01:01:55Guest:I just talk about what I'm thinking as opposed to people who kind of put a pin in it.

01:02:01Guest:I don't.

01:02:02Guest:I don't have an edit button.

01:02:04Guest:I do, but I use it very sparingly.

01:02:07Marc:No, I think they like it because also you're raw and you're a little crass.

01:02:10Guest:Yeah, I mean, I'm a crowd.

01:02:12Guest:Yeah, exactly.

01:02:13Guest:I mean, people, you know, like to use the word raunchy, which I can't stand because it's it's in my opinion, it's much smarter than that and much more clever than just being raunchy.

01:02:24Guest:I mean, I know it's stupid, but it's funny, stupid.

01:02:26Guest:And I mean, when I say stupid, I mean, like, you know, it's funny that it's so stupid.

01:02:30Marc:So you don't even engage in the dialogue of that.

01:02:33Marc:You get a harder that people are harder on you because you're a woman.

01:02:37Guest:I mean that I feel like talking about that makes it real it's like for me that's never been an issue it's like I'm not who cares I mean it's not a sex issue there's funny women there's funny men and I mean my staff is like half and half and people like what did you do that on purpose I'm like

01:02:55Guest:No, I mean, I'm a girl.

01:02:56Guest:It's natural for me to be around other women.

01:02:59Guest:Right.

01:02:59Guest:I'm not one of those like guys, girls.

01:03:01Guest:I'm friends with everybody.

01:03:03Guest:I have really close guy friends and I have real I mean, everyone on staff that I'm close with, it's like evenly distributed between men and women.

01:03:10Guest:And it's always been that way in my life.

01:03:11Marc:I believe you that you have friends.

01:03:13Marc:Like, you have, like, a bunch of people you hang out with?

01:03:15Guest:Yeah, I just came from lunch with, like, four of my girlfriends.

01:03:18Marc:That's fucking amazing.

01:03:19Guest:Yeah, I have a lot of friends.

01:03:20Guest:That's what the best part about this is, is that I get to take my friends.

01:03:23Marc:And they're not people on the show or anything?

01:03:24Guest:Yeah, a lot of them are from on the show.

01:03:26Guest:Yeah, a lot of them are.

01:03:28Guest:A lot of them are from when I moved out here and when I was waiting tables, you know?

01:03:31Guest:Like, five of my girlfriends are, like, we all waited tables together or...

01:03:34Guest:That's the best thing about my life is my friends.

01:03:39Guest:I get to go on these fucking ridiculous vacations.

01:03:43Guest:I get to bring all of them with me.

01:03:45Guest:You took Jen Kirkman to France.

01:03:47Guest:Changed her life.

01:03:48Marc:Wasn't it France?

01:03:48Guest:France.

01:03:49Guest:Australia.

01:03:50Guest:Oh, in Australia.

01:03:51Guest:Oh, right.

01:03:51Guest:You're friends with Jen, right?

01:03:52Guest:Sure.

01:03:52Guest:i love jen she did my show and she was paralyzed with fear about uh about flying and i think that trip oh well she took a colonopin on that trip and and then i made it what i saw when i saw what it did to her i was like can i please have three of those i was like what you never took no not before i met jen kirkman oh yeah but i love pills like i'll take anything yeah no they're good like i like drugs you know like like flexorol or i mean that i've been i have never taken a flexorol but i love like what does that do

01:04:17Guest:I don't know, but I keep hearing it's like the most amazing thing.

01:04:20Guest:I love the sensation of knowing you're going to fall asleep.

01:04:25Guest:Yeah.

01:04:25Guest:Like, you know what I mean?

01:04:26Guest:Yeah.

01:04:26Guest:Like ambient induced.

01:04:27Guest:I don't take ambient because that's like screws with your short term memory skills.

01:04:31Guest:But I take Xanax like I love a Xanax.

01:04:34Marc:Yeah.

01:04:34Guest:Vicodins are really good.

01:04:35Marc:And also you can trust them.

01:04:36Marc:They're machine made.

01:04:37Guest:Yeah, I like that.

01:04:39Guest:I mean, I don't like to take pills like that, you know.

01:04:41Guest:I don't know where I got these.

01:04:42Guest:Like off the street pills.

01:04:44Guest:I mean, of course I'll take ecstasy and stuff for special occasions.

01:04:47Guest:Still?

01:04:48Guest:Yeah.

01:04:49Guest:I mean, yeah.

01:04:50Guest:I did on New Year's or Halloween or something.

01:04:52Marc:Good time?

01:04:53Guest:Yeah, it was really good.

01:04:54Guest:It's the only time I can like really dance because I can't dance.

01:04:58Guest:So if I have to be in an environment where I'm expected to dance, I have to have ecstasy.

01:05:02Guest:Otherwise, I just sit like I have to sit.

01:05:04Guest:I'll sit around, you know, in a booth or whatever with friends and just kind of move around.

01:05:08Guest:But if I have to actually physically dance, I cannot do it.

01:05:11Guest:Got to be medicated.

01:05:12Guest:Yeah.

01:05:13Guest:Unless I'm like, you know, I don't really get drunk drunk because I don't get I've never really I don't I'm not like that.

01:05:19Guest:I'm not like a like a sloppy drunk.

01:05:21Guest:Like I don't get like that.

01:05:22Marc:How do you get?

01:05:22Guest:I just get happy and talk a lot.

01:05:24Guest:Like I just get more, you know.

01:05:26Marc:You don't get messy?

01:05:27Guest:No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

01:05:29Guest:I've never been like that.

01:05:30Guest:I mean, you know, maybe when I was in high school, not like, no.

01:05:32Marc:Do you have any friends who are still from high school?

01:05:35Guest:Mm-hmm.

01:05:36Guest:A couple.

01:05:36Guest:Not really close ones, but like we email once in a while or they have like, you know, foundations that they're working for and then when they need a donation, I hear.

01:05:44Guest:Do you kick in?

01:05:45Guest:Yeah, of course.

01:05:46Guest:Are you kidding?

01:05:47Guest:Of course.

01:05:48Guest:I give all my money away all the time.

01:05:51Guest:That's why I have to work so hard.

01:05:52Guest:You pay $500 for Capri cigarettes.

01:05:54Guest:I know.

01:05:55Guest:I throw money around like it's, I mean, I have no respect for money.

01:05:58Guest:So I've just constantly, I constantly am giving it away because I feel like if that, if it's karmically, it's good to just never, ever think anything's too important to not give away.

01:06:07Guest:So I do that all the time, but it seems to be working out.

01:06:10Guest:It seems to come back.

01:06:12Marc:Do you like spend a lot of money just so you don't have money?

01:06:15Guest:No, I mean, I have to save.

01:06:16Guest:I have to pay for my, all my nieces and nephews to go to college.

01:06:20Marc:Is that on you now?

01:06:21Guest:Well, it's never, no one asked me to, but I would, I feel like it's my duty.

01:06:26Guest:How many do you have?

01:06:28Guest:Nine.

01:06:28Guest:And they're all going.

01:06:30Guest:And it's all paid for.

01:06:31Guest:Really?

01:06:32Guest:Yeah.

01:06:33Marc:They're all into college now?

01:06:34Guest:No, but they all have full college tuitions ready to go.

01:06:37Marc:You stacked it?

01:06:38Marc:You just created the funds?

01:06:39Guest:That's the first thing I did with all my money.

01:06:41Marc:That's amazing.

01:06:42Guest:I know it was the first thing I did was like start college funds for all of them for and that to be able to go to my brothers and sisters and be like here's your you know right they must be thrilled yeah they are oh no one's even brought it up though because I think they're embarrassed what's their what do they do most of them outside the cook my sisters well my brother's a CPA my other brother Glenn Simone is a lawyer and then Shoshana is she's an RN but she stays at home she's a mom so she doesn't want to work

01:07:11Marc:Wow.

01:07:12Marc:Well, I am completely impressed and amazed.

01:07:15Marc:I had no idea what to expect talking to you.

01:07:17Guest:How do you feel about yourself emotionally at this stage?

01:07:21Marc:Well, I always feel like this.

01:07:22Marc:You make assumptions about people because we're in the same world.

01:07:25Guest:What was your assumption about me?

01:07:26Guest:What did you think?

01:07:28Marc:Well, my fear was that I was not going to be able to engage with whatever was under who you are, that I see you as.

01:07:36Guest:Oh, that I was, okay.

01:07:37Marc:Your public personality.

01:07:38Marc:I mean, sometimes when I talk to people, especially people that have something to say about everything and they've said it before, it's very hard to get on a different track.

01:07:50Marc:But I don't think you've, you know, this seems genuine.

01:07:54Marc:Did it feel that way?

01:07:55Guest:Yeah, it felt like it fails every day when I talk to someone.

01:07:59Guest:That's good.

01:08:00Guest:I mean, I'm not blown away.

01:08:01Guest:Yeah, sure.

01:08:04Guest:No, but it was a good interview.

01:08:05Marc:What was it about you?

01:08:06Marc:I mean, I wasn't here to blow you away.

01:08:10Marc:What questions could I have asked to blow you away?

01:08:13Marc:I'm sorry that me talking about you for a fucking hour didn't blow you away.

01:08:18Marc:Geez, I really failed.

01:08:20Guest:Oh, you have to tone down my laugh.

01:08:21Guest:It's so annoying on this thing.

01:08:23Guest:I'll take it all out.

01:08:24Marc:I'm really annoyed.

01:08:25Marc:I'm going to take all of the parts out that make you seem like a good person.

01:08:28Guest:Yeah, right.

01:08:29Guest:Yeah, just to make me sound like a pompous asshole with a big house.

01:08:32Marc:That's all.

01:08:33Guest:That made you wait for five minutes.

01:08:35Marc:Yeah.

01:08:35Marc:No, this is only going to be a 15-minute interview once I cut it.

01:08:38Guest:Yeah.

01:08:38Marc:Is that a television outside over here covered on the wall?

01:08:42Guest:That?

01:08:42Marc:There's a TV there, but over there, too?

01:08:44Marc:Like, is there one on the wall?

01:08:46Guest:Yes.

01:08:46Guest:That would be a television.

01:08:47Guest:I don't think we've ever turned it on, though.

01:08:49Marc:For when you want to watch, when you have those seven chess lounges.

01:08:53Guest:Yeah, that's a good idea.

01:08:54Guest:We should have movie night.

01:08:55Guest:Everybody sits on those lounges, and we watch the movie from afar.

01:08:58Marc:Floats in the pool.

01:08:59Marc:Does this house have any history?

01:09:00Marc:Whose was it?

01:09:01Guest:It was Esther Williams.

01:09:04Guest:Really?

01:09:04Guest:Yes, it was her house.

01:09:06Marc:For how long?

01:09:07Guest:I don't think it's the original pool, though, obviously.

01:09:10Marc:I would expect her to have a bigger pool.

01:09:13Guest:No.

01:09:13Marc:With some choreographed women swimming in circles.

01:09:17Guest:Yeah, I guess you're right.

01:09:18Marc:What she lived here as in her old age kind of thing?

01:09:23Guest:You know what's sad?

01:09:23Marc:It's a pretty modern house.

01:09:25Guest:No, it's been redone a million times.

01:09:27Guest:The actual house.

01:09:28Guest:It's her property.

01:09:29Guest:I mean, I can't imagine this is the actual structure.

01:09:32Guest:I mean, this has been added on several times, this house.

01:09:36Marc:It looks like you have some very serious neighbors.

01:09:40Marc:Who are your neighbors?

01:09:41Marc:Do you have any big celebrity neighbors that you see walking in the neighborhood?

01:09:44Guest:I think Oscar De La Hoya lives.

01:09:46Guest:I think the house you might be talking about is his, but I'm not sure.

01:09:48Guest:I don't really, I've never really met my neighbors.

01:09:51Guest:That's kind of why I moved here.

01:09:53Guest:So you have to talk to neighbors.

01:09:54Guest:Although there's a really nice old guy that lives down there.

01:09:57Guest:Do you go jogging or anything?

01:10:00Guest:Yeah, sometimes I do actually.

01:10:01Guest:We go bike riding around up through the hills.

01:10:03Guest:It's beautiful.

01:10:04Guest:I mean, it's like, you know, beautiful to go bike riding here.

01:10:06Guest:We have serious bikes.

01:10:07Marc:And you have an exercise room right there?

01:10:09Guest:No, that's just a treadmill.

01:10:11Guest:We don't have an exercise room.

01:10:12Guest:That's what I was thinking about building.

01:10:13Marc:Do you use a treadmill?

01:10:13Guest:Uh-huh.

01:10:14Marc:That's so amazing when people actually exercise at home.

01:10:16Guest:Yeah.

01:10:17Guest:I exercise all the time.

01:10:19Marc:You're an exercise.

01:10:19Guest:I have to.

01:10:20Guest:I'd be a pig if I'd not exercise.

01:10:23Guest:I would be a fucking pig.

01:10:25Guest:My genetics are not good.

01:10:27Marc:What, they're built to contain fat?

01:10:29Guest:Yeah, I would presume.

01:10:31Guest:If I was not on television, I would probably be about a good 70 to 75 pounds heavier.

01:10:37Marc:I think that's why people love you.

01:10:40Marc:I think they know that about you.

01:10:42Guest:I would be such a pig.

01:10:44Guest:Right, Chunky?

01:10:46Guest:Come here.

01:10:46Marc:All right, it's a dog interview time.

01:10:48Marc:I think we're good.

01:10:49Marc:You good?

01:10:49Guest:All right, I'm good, yeah.

01:10:50Marc:Thanks, Chelsea.

01:10:51Guest:Thank you, Marc Maron.

01:10:57Marc:All right, folks, that's our show.

01:10:59Marc:That was Chelsea Handler.

01:11:00Marc:That was Poolside.

01:11:02Marc:I think I did the best I could with her, and she gave me a little shit.

01:11:06Marc:But you know what?

01:11:07Marc:She was a lot nicer than I thought she would be.

01:11:09Marc:I went there with a head full of judgment.

01:11:11Marc:As always, how about a little...

01:11:15Marc:Pow!

01:11:15Marc:Look out.

01:11:16Marc:Man.

01:11:17Marc:Yep.

01:11:18Marc:You know it.

01:11:18Marc:Just shit my pants.

01:11:19Marc:Needed to after all that barbecue.

01:11:21Marc:JustCoffee.coop.

01:11:23Marc:Available at WTFPod.com.

01:11:25Marc:As is everything else WTFPod related.

01:11:28Marc:My schedule is there.

01:11:29Marc:The new DVD with the DVD set with the first 100 Eps is there.

01:11:34Marc:You can get on the mailing list.

01:11:35Marc:You can kick in a few shekels.

01:11:36Marc:You can pick up the premium app.

01:11:38Marc:You can get some merch.

01:11:39Marc:You can do all those things.

01:11:41Marc:Do one of those things and I'll love you.

01:11:43Marc:Everything alright?

01:11:44Marc:I'm alright.

01:11:45Marc:Boomer's alright.

01:11:49Marc:Fucking tired, man.

01:11:52Marc:I was on a plane.

01:11:54Marc:It got up at 5.

01:11:55Marc:I don't need to be talking about this now.