Episode 26 - Jen Kirkman / El Chupacabra

Episode 26 • Released November 29, 2009 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest 6:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest 2:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest 2:Really?

00:00:08Guest 2:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest 2:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest 2:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest 2:Pow!

00:00:12Guest 2:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest 2:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest 2:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest 2:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest 2:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest 2:With Mark Maron.

00:00:23Marc:Okay, let's do this, what the fuckers.

00:00:25Marc:Welcome to the show.

00:00:26Marc:I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

00:00:28Marc:I have not had mine yet.

00:00:29Marc:That's right.

00:00:30Marc:You're listening to a time capsule right now.

00:00:32Marc:I've not had my Thanksgiving yet.

00:00:34Marc:But before I get into why I'm sitting in a car, I'd like to thank all of you for writing in and unanimously saying that all of you had a crush on Janine Garofalo.

00:00:43Marc:I knew I was right.

00:00:45Marc:You knew you were right.

00:00:46Marc:She didn't think so.

00:00:47Marc:I think she knows, but she chooses not to talk about it.

00:00:50Marc:We've got a great show today.

00:00:52Marc:We've got Jen Kirkman, who's a very funny comic who I've known a long time.

00:00:55Marc:And we have a very special guest, a radio personality that some of you may know.

00:01:00Marc:He is not a...

00:01:02Marc:He's not an English-speaking radio personality, by and large.

00:01:06Marc:Most people who know him know him from the Latino radio circuit.

00:01:10Marc:I'm not even going to tip his name, but he'll be on the show a little later.

00:01:13Marc:Now let's get to the situation at hand.

00:01:16Marc:I've been in Florida maybe two hours.

00:01:18Marc:Two hours.

00:01:19Marc:I came down here.

00:01:20Marc:I'm going to have Thanksgiving down here like I always do.

00:01:23Marc:I cook for about 18 to 20 people who I see once a year, and I feed them.

00:01:27Marc:And I come to my mother's condominium in Florida.

00:01:30Marc:It's not really a condo.

00:01:31Marc:It's a nice townhouse.

00:01:33Marc:Everything's okay, I guess, other than I was just in Atlanta where the shows were great.

00:01:37Marc:The laughing skull was awesome.

00:01:39Marc:But I contracted some sort of cold.

00:01:41Marc:I'm sure you can hear it in my nose and throat.

00:01:43Marc:But there's nothing I can do about that.

00:01:45Marc:I had a lot of big plans for Atlanta.

00:01:47Marc:I was going to go to the Martin Luther King church.

00:01:50Marc:to the Ebenezer Baptist Church and try to do a podcast from there.

00:01:53Marc:Not because I'm grandiose or I think that I deserve to do a podcast from that church.

00:01:57Marc:I know it's a good room.

00:01:58Marc:It's a small room.

00:02:00Marc:I'd like to play that room.

00:02:01Marc:But I didn't get to do that because I got sick.

00:02:03Marc:You know why I got sick?

00:02:04Marc:Because of airplanes.

00:02:06Marc:You know what airplanes are now?

00:02:07Marc:They're not airplanes.

00:02:09Marc:They are just flying metal viral incubation tubes.

00:02:13Marc:That's all they are.

00:02:14Marc:I can no longer be on an airplane sitting there.

00:02:17Marc:If I hear someone cough 20 rows back, I just know, oh, we're all fucked.

00:02:21Marc:It's going to go into the air system.

00:02:23Marc:This is recycled air.

00:02:24Marc:Every little outlet of air on this airplane has just become a viral dispenser.

00:02:30Marc:And who was I to mock people who wore masks?

00:02:32Marc:How vain am I?

00:02:34Marc:There was a woman on the plane wearing a mask, one of those masks that make you, you know, that make you look like, hey, I'm not going to let anybody breathe on me or get anything in my face.

00:02:42Marc:And I looked at her saying, oh, come on, lady, really a mask?

00:02:45Marc:What are we in China?

00:02:47Marc:Is it is are we all going to die if we don't wear a mask?

00:02:50Marc:And she's wearing the mask.

00:02:51Marc:And out of vanity, I condescended the mask.

00:02:53Marc:And she's probably the only one that left that flight that doesn't have blood coming out of their eyes or is completely stuffed up like I am.

00:03:01Marc:I don't know if I'm going to wear a mask next time.

00:03:03Marc:You know why?

00:03:03Marc:Because I'm vain.

00:03:04Marc:I'm vain and I don't care.

00:03:06Marc:I'd rather ride out the disease than be on a plane with a mask looking like some sort of idiot.

00:03:11Marc:But ultimately, they're not really idiots.

00:03:13Marc:Okay, that aside, I'm all hopped up on mentholated afrin.

00:03:17Marc:I'm all hopped up on Tylenol daytime, and I'm all hopped up on a very sublime fury from being at my mother's house for two hours.

00:03:27Marc:Now, don't tell her I said this, even though she'll probably listen to this podcast.

00:03:30Marc:All right.

00:03:31Marc:She picks me up at the airport.

00:03:33Marc:We're on the way home from the airport.

00:03:34Marc:She says, the air conditioner broke today.

00:03:37Marc:It's like 90 degrees down here.

00:03:38Marc:The air conditioner broke today, but a guy's putting a new air conditioner in.

00:03:42Marc:Okay, tremendous.

00:03:44Marc:So we get to the house, guys are putting the air conditioner in.

00:03:47Marc:I always feel a little small, like I'm not a real man when I see guys putting air conditioner in, but I offered to help, but they said there was really nothing I can do, which I'm relieved about because there really is nothing I could do.

00:03:58Marc:So I, of course, had a big bag of laundry from being in Atlanta for five days.

00:04:02Marc:So I go put it in the washing machine.

00:04:04Marc:So I go out to the washing machine when it's supposed to be done.

00:04:07Marc:And the washing machine is making some sort of weird whirring noise.

00:04:10Marc:And I said, is this thing OK?

00:04:11Marc:And she goes, it was before.

00:04:13Marc:Do you hear the tone?

00:04:15Marc:It was before.

00:04:16Marc:What did you do to it?

00:04:17Marc:It was before.

00:04:18Marc:Did you do something wrong?

00:04:20Marc:It was before.

00:04:21Marc:We use this all the time.

00:04:22Marc:What did you do to my washing machine?

00:04:24Marc:All right.

00:04:24Marc:So I don't know what's wrong with the washing machine.

00:04:26Marc:Goes, let's try it again.

00:04:28Marc:It's not spinning is the problem that clothes are soaked.

00:04:31Marc:So I'm like, what the fuck?

00:04:32Marc:No air conditioner.

00:04:34Marc:Now my clothes are soaked.

00:04:35Marc:I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about it.

00:04:36Marc:And my mom's trying to pin this washing machine problem on me.

00:04:39Marc:It's fucking ridiculous.

00:04:40Marc:I'm there like a half hour.

00:04:43Marc:All right, so we try it again.

00:04:44Marc:She resets it.

00:04:45Marc:We wash the clothes again.

00:04:46Marc:Still, the spin cycle comes along, and I'm like, there's something wrong with the motor.

00:04:51Marc:All right, then it comes out.

00:04:52Marc:All right, after we try it three times, and she blames me three times, basically with the tone of her voice, she says, I washed a rug in there the other day, and it got stuck.

00:05:02Marc:And I'm like, oh, you think that maybe is why the motor is not working?

00:05:05Marc:So now we've got a broken washing machine.

00:05:07Marc:I've got to go shop for Thanksgiving and go to a laundromat in Florida.

00:05:10Marc:Well, that's terrific.

00:05:12Marc:That's something I really was looking forward to, going to a laundromat in Florida.

00:05:16Marc:How terrific is that?

00:05:17Marc:So I go put my wet clothes in a dryer at the laundromat, leave thinking they're going to be stolen, which they probably will given the way this day has gone so far.

00:05:25Marc:And I go to Publix to get what I need to cook a meal for 19 people.

00:05:31Marc:Everything goes smoothly.

00:05:32Marc:There was a slightly, I think, developmentally disabled dwarfish woman who packed my bags, which brought me down to earth a little bit.

00:05:40Marc:I always have that moment where I'm like...

00:05:43Marc:Are my problems that bad?

00:05:44Marc:So what if they steal my corduroys?

00:05:45Marc:This woman talks like Minnie Mouse, and this is the way she is, and it's sad, and I hope she has a nice Thanksgiving.

00:05:52Marc:I wished her a nice Thanksgiving, and I said hello to the person that was waiting on me at Publix because I know it's going to be a bad weekend for them.

00:05:58Marc:So now I get the bags in the car.

00:06:01Marc:I drive to the laundromat in a panic to find that the clothes are still wet.

00:06:06Marc:No problem.

00:06:06Marc:As long as they're half dry, I can put them in the dryer back at my mother's house.

00:06:10Marc:All right.

00:06:11Marc:So I go back.

00:06:12Marc:I put them in the dryer.

00:06:13Marc:And I'm like, what else is going to break?

00:06:15Marc:And I don't even know how to work this car that I'm in.

00:06:17Marc:She has a car that it starts with a button.

00:06:20Marc:It's ridiculous.

00:06:21Marc:Anyways.

00:06:22Marc:I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving because I'm losing my fucking mind.

00:06:25Marc:I can't breathe for a couple reasons.

00:06:27Marc:One, because I have a cold.

00:06:29Marc:Two, because my mom sucks the wind out of me whenever I'm here.

00:06:33Marc:And her boyfriend, John, who's a sweet guy, but he comes from a different era.

00:06:38Marc:He comes from New York in the late 40s and 50s.

00:06:41Marc:He talks like a bebop musician, and he's always talking.

00:06:44Marc:He's always jittering around, and he's always got jazz playing, which is kind of relieving until it becomes slightly irritating.

00:06:50Marc:But he's a charming guy, and I like him, even if he says things like, how you doing, Marco?

00:06:54Marc:How you doing, Marco Polo?

00:06:56Marc:What's up, Marcus Aurelius?

00:06:57Marc:How's everything going, Mark the Mark?

00:06:59Marc:How you doing, Skiddly Bop-do?

00:07:01Marc:It goes on and on.

00:07:02Marc:But I like the guy like my mother.

00:07:04Marc:I know she's going to listen to this, but I had to get this out because I'm sitting here looking at the ocean, wondering what to do.

00:07:10Marc:What to do?

00:07:11Marc:What am I going to do?

00:07:13Marc:I'm telling you, folks, Florida, people come to Florida who are either at the end of their lives, at the end of the rope.

00:07:19Marc:Do you understand?

00:07:20Marc:I am clearly at the end of my rope.

00:07:22Marc:People who are really out there head for the keys.

00:07:25Marc:You know how it is.

00:07:25Marc:So now I'm sitting here, parked.

00:07:28Marc:I'm just parked.

00:07:29Marc:I'm looking at the ocean.

00:07:31Marc:I'm trying to decide what to do.

00:07:33Marc:You know, the ocean's very calming.

00:07:34Marc:I like looking at it.

00:07:35Marc:It makes me feel small, like we're supposed to, when we stand in front of the ocean.

00:07:39Marc:It's one of those moments you're supposed to have where you're like, oh my God, look how big the ocean is.

00:07:43Marc:I'm meaningless.

00:07:45Marc:My life is small.

00:07:46Marc:I am so small in comparison to this ocean.

00:07:48Marc:And then there are other moments.

00:07:50Marc:Some people like there must be a God.

00:07:52Marc:I didn't have that moment because I have a tremendous fear of water.

00:07:55Marc:And if there was a God, he'd alleviate that fear for me right now so I could enter the ocean.

00:07:59Marc:But I can't go in the ocean because I'm scared of it.

00:08:02Marc:I'm scared of I'll be honest with you.

00:08:05Marc:I'm scared of large fish that are bigger than me that can eat me.

00:08:09Marc:I get scared in swimming pools at night.

00:08:13Marc:That's how paranoid I am.

00:08:14Marc:I do not like not knowing what is under me or around me or about to eat my legs.

00:08:20Marc:Have you ever seen a shark eat a seal?

00:08:23Marc:You ever seen a great white shark eat a seal?

00:08:25Marc:Not for me.

00:08:26Marc:But I tell you something, given the way the day has gone, I'm thinking about Burt Lancaster at the end of Here to Eternity.

00:08:32Marc:I'm thinking about entering the water.

00:08:34Marc:I'm going to think about it.

00:08:36Marc:If you hear me next podcast, I didn't do it.

00:08:39Marc:And I'll be in a better place.

00:08:41Marc:I want to make it clear that I love my mom.

00:08:44Marc:I like her boyfriend.

00:08:45Marc:But today, this first two hours of Thanksgiving, has not been great.

00:08:49Marc:I'm sweating in a car, looking at the ocean, trying to decide what to do.

00:09:03Marc:I am in the garage at the Cat Ranch.

00:09:07Marc:I'm in the garage at the Cat Ranch.

00:09:08Marc:Why can't I talk?

00:09:09Marc:I'm in the garage at the Cat Ranch with a dog outside with Jen Kirkman inside the garage.

00:09:16Marc:She is a regular panelist.

00:09:19Marc:Is that what you call yourself?

00:09:20Marc:On Chelsea Lately and Ryder?

00:09:21Guest 1:Yeah, you're a roundtable person.

00:09:23Marc:Oh, now it's a roundtable?

00:09:24Marc:Now you're a knight?

00:09:25Marc:You're like a...

00:09:27Guest 1:It's like the Algonquin Roundtable.

00:09:29Guest 1:Oh, okay.

00:09:30Marc:Yeah.

00:09:30Marc:Is that how you refer to it?

00:09:31Marc:It's just like that.

00:09:31Marc:It's the same level of discourse.

00:09:34Guest 1:Yeah, absolutely.

00:09:35Marc:Highbrow, intellectual.

00:09:36Guest 1:Highbrow, kind of elitist, exclusive.

00:09:39Marc:That's how people describe Chelsea's show.

00:09:42Marc:They say it's very highbrow.

00:09:43Marc:She alienates a lot of people with her intelligence.

00:09:46Guest 1:Well, she is very intelligent.

00:09:48Guest 1:The show is ridiculous.

00:09:49Marc:No, I think she actually, I've grown to like her quite a bit.

00:09:51Marc:I think she does a very good job at doing that show and she's very funny and she's quick and she knows the parameters of her craft.

00:10:00Guest 1:Right, right, right, right.

00:10:01Marc:But she runs a good show.

00:10:03Marc:So are you writing on there too as well?

00:10:04Guest 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:04Marc:What does that entail?

00:10:05Marc:You write her jokes?

00:10:07Guest 1:I write... Yeah, I write... You know, we write some of the stuff she says in the show.

00:10:11Guest 1:We write sketches.

00:10:12Guest 1:We write monologues.

00:10:13Guest 1:There's a bunch of people she writes, too.

00:10:15Guest 1:She's in the room with us.

00:10:16Guest 1:It's like an awesome writing job that if I ever leave there, I'm going to be so fucked.

00:10:20Guest 4:Yeah.

00:10:20Guest 1:Because it's like I can't do any of these shows where it's like you write for some guy.

00:10:23Guest 1:You never see him.

00:10:24Guest 1:You sit alone in a room.

00:10:26Guest 1:Like, I have to be... Like, we're all together in the morning, like, yelling and screaming.

00:10:30Guest 1:And it's like a very...

00:10:31Guest 1:I hate when people say that something in show business is like a family, but it is actually like a very dysfunctional family where we're horrible to each other and we're nice to each other.

00:10:39Guest 1:We're yelling and screaming and there's a weird boundaries of like, you know, when people are awful to you and then they make it seem like you are awful to them and they're apologizing and then you really like them and it's totally mental.

00:10:50Marc:It's like that.

00:10:50Marc:Oh, well, that sounds really fun.

00:10:52Guest 1:It's kind of fun in a weird way.

00:10:53Guest 1:It's all I know.

00:10:54Marc:It's got to be very engaging.

00:10:55Marc:Well, I'm just happy you're working.

00:10:56Marc:I mean, God, I think I met you when you were, what, 10?

00:11:00Marc:I feel like I was trying to remember.

00:11:02Guest 1:I was 22.

00:11:03Marc:I just remember there was some... I think the first time I met you, it was stand-up on the Upper East Side or West Side.

00:11:10Marc:It was at a bar, and it was one of those booked shows, and you had really short hair, and you looked like Winona Ryder.

00:11:17Guest 1:Oh, you met me then?

00:11:19Guest 1:Yeah.

00:11:19Guest 1:I don't think I remember meeting you then.

00:11:21Marc:Really?

00:11:22Guest 1:Yeah, I had just moved to New York.

00:11:25Guest 1:I might have even been...

00:11:28Guest 1:Because, you know, I moved to New York for a day.

00:11:30Guest 1:Did I ever tell you?

00:11:32Marc:Maybe that's when I met you, on that day.

00:11:34Guest 1:No, I was in Boston, and I read this article about the Luna Lounge in New York.

00:11:38Guest 1:It was in a Boston magazine.

00:11:39Guest 1:I'm like, I'm going to perform there.

00:11:40Guest 1:I'd never done stand-up.

00:11:41Guest 1:I moved to New York to perform at Luna Lounge.

00:11:45Guest 1:I had never been to New York.

00:11:46Guest 1:My boyfriend took me in a U-Haul to Brooklyn.

00:11:49Guest 1:I moved there, and then the next day, I'm walking around Ludlow Street, and I go up to the bartender like, hey, how do I get on the show?

00:11:53Guest 1:He's like, I have nothing to do with the show.

00:11:55Guest 1:It's like here on Monday nights, blah, blah, blah.

00:11:57Guest 1:And I was being such an asshole to him.

00:11:59Guest 1:And he's like, you need to make a tape.

00:12:00Guest 1:I'm like, I don't need to make a tape.

00:12:02Guest 1:Rob?

00:12:02Guest 1:Was it Rob?

00:12:03Guest 1:I don't know.

00:12:04Guest 1:I was just an asshole to him.

00:12:06Guest 1:And I was like, fuck New York.

00:12:07Guest 1:And I left two days later.

00:12:08Marc:That was the end of your New York experience?

00:12:10Guest 1:That was the end of my New York.

00:12:11Guest 1:And I went and started doing comedy in Boston with Eugene.

00:12:13Guest 1:And then I moved to New York a year later.

00:12:16Marc:So you were part of that original comedy studio, Eugene Merman, Rich Jenkins crew?

00:12:22Guest 1:Yeah.

00:12:23Marc:Wow.

00:12:23Guest 1:I'm just laughing about Rick Jenkins.

00:12:25Marc:Yeah, I don't even know.

00:12:26Marc:I don't know where he is or what he's doing.

00:12:28Guest 1:I just laugh because he would always give these intros that were like so amazing that like if you moved away, he would act like that you were famous.

00:12:36Guest 1:Like she's in LA and she has a manager.

00:12:39Guest 1:Like that would be the intro and you'd come back and feel like such a complete asshole.

00:12:43Guest 1:She's really going places.

00:12:44Guest 1:But yeah, so you probably met me like right when I moved.

00:12:47Guest 1:Oh my God, that's so embarrassing.

00:12:50Marc:No, everybody was cute and young, and everyone was having fun, and I was already a little older.

00:12:54Guest 1:I wasn't having fun.

00:12:55Marc:I don't know.

00:12:56Marc:You were definitely doing the work.

00:12:58Marc:I'm just so happy that you surfaced, because I think there was some time there.

00:13:04Marc:Wasn't there a dark time where it wasn't happening, or you were going to leave?

00:13:10Guest 1:Yeah, it was dark the entire time.

00:13:11Guest 1:It was dark in L.A.

00:13:12Guest 1:It's been dark since I got hired on a job that I never intended to.

00:13:15Guest 1:It's still dark.

00:13:16Guest 1:Like, it's all dark.

00:13:18Guest 1:There's people with fucking plastic surgery pretending they're not my age.

00:13:22Guest 1:I mean, it's terrible.

00:13:24Guest 1:People are getting ahead.

00:13:25Guest 1:They're zooming by me.

00:13:27Marc:Yeah?

00:13:27Marc:Like who?

00:13:28Guest 1:No, I don't know.

00:13:29Guest 1:Everybody's doing great.

00:13:30Guest 1:Everyone's fine.

00:13:31Marc:Oh, that's very L.A.

00:13:32Marc:of you.

00:13:32Guest 1:Yeah.

00:13:33Marc:You've learned the language.

00:13:34Guest 1:Yeah.

00:13:34Marc:I had an incident yesterday where I said something negative to somebody and it wasn't anybody important, but I know how this world works out here.

00:13:42Marc:Yeah.

00:13:43Marc:It's all really about 10 people who talk to each other on the phone all day and they talk to another 10 people.

00:13:47Marc:Yeah.

00:13:48Marc:So like somebody you think is just your waiter, you could say something negative about another performer.

00:13:53Marc:And then like within two days, your manager's like, what are you saying about so-and-so?

00:13:56Guest 1:Oh, yeah, no, I'll never say anything about anyone.

00:13:58Guest 1:But the first time I met you was at Luna, or I think, and you were like one of the only people that smoked.

00:14:03Guest 1:I smoked, and I feel like no one smoked, and I tried to bum a cigarette off you, and you gave it to me, and you stared me down before you gave it to me.

00:14:10Guest 1:Yeah.

00:14:10Guest 1:Like I had to earn it in some kind of weird way that I didn't know...

00:14:13Guest 1:Like, I didn't know how I was earning it, but you were making up your mind.

00:14:17Guest 1:And then you go, I'm not going to stand here and talk to you while you smoke it.

00:14:20Guest 1:Oh, come on.

00:14:21Guest 1:I go, I know.

00:14:22Guest 1:I know.

00:14:22Guest 1:I wasn't asking.

00:14:23Guest 1:Like, I'm not trying to hang out with you.

00:14:24Guest 1:I just wanted a cigarette.

00:14:25Guest 1:And then you're like, uh-huh.

00:14:27Guest 1:And then you gave it to me.

00:14:28Guest 1:You were horrible.

00:14:30Guest 1:Horrible.

00:14:32Guest 1:I was like, what?

00:14:34Marc:Can I apologize?

00:14:35Guest 1:No, I'm not mad about it.

00:14:36Guest 1:It was what I expected.

00:14:38Marc:You know, people keep telling me these stories about me and I- And you were sober too.

00:14:43Guest 1:There's like no excuse for me.

00:14:44Guest 1:I was already?

00:14:45Guest 1:Yeah.

00:14:46Marc:So that was like within 10 years ago?

00:14:47Guest 1:Yeah.

00:14:48Guest 1:Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:50Marc:Maybe I was newly sober.

00:14:51Guest 1:It was 99, I think.

00:14:53Marc:Oh, so I was going through a difficult time.

00:14:54Guest 1:Hang on, let me get my diary.

00:14:55Guest 1:Will you?

00:14:55Marc:Do you have the mark entries?

00:14:57Marc:Did you underline the mark entries for my show?

00:14:59Marc:Well, shit, at that time, I'd just left a wife.

00:15:01Marc:I'd gotten sober.

00:15:02Marc:I'd hooked up with Mishnah, and it was like... No, you weren't with Mishnah.

00:15:06Guest 1:You're still married.

00:15:07Guest 1:You're doing Jerusalem syndrome.

00:15:08Guest 1:I remember.

00:15:08Marc:That's when I started with Mishnah.

00:15:11Guest 1:Oh, okay.

00:15:11Marc:It was covert.

00:15:13Guest 1:Right, okay.

00:15:13Guest 1:I forgot about that.

00:15:14Guest 1:And it was a very difficult... Well, that's always meant to be when you do that shit.

00:15:17Marc:Yeah, it turned out it was meant to be somehow or another.

00:15:20Marc:I don't know.

00:15:20Marc:I don't think I could have done a lot of things without her, and now I know I can do plenty without her.

00:15:26Marc:But you just got married, so Jesus...

00:15:28Guest 1:I stood in your backyard at your fucking wedding.

00:15:31Guest 1:Right over there.

00:15:31Marc:I wanted it to last.

00:15:32Marc:I thought it was a very charming wedding.

00:15:35Guest 1:I loved it.

00:15:35Guest 1:I remember this one thing you said.

00:15:37Guest 1:You go, here's to shitty dads or something like that.

00:15:39Marc:That's because my dad wasn't there and her dad wasn't there.

00:15:41Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.

00:15:41Guest 1:Here's to not having... Is your dad going to hear this?

00:15:44Marc:Yeah, it's all right.

00:15:45Marc:My brother just got married a second time and he didn't go.

00:15:48Marc:But I guarantee you that whatever wedding she's going to have next is going to be huge.

00:15:51Guest 1:It's not going to be in a backyard.

00:15:53Marc:Hell no.

00:15:53Guest 1:It's not going to be anywhere near the east side.

00:15:55Marc:All I know is that when people say like, you know, I don't care.

00:15:57Marc:No, this is perfect.

00:15:58Marc:This is right.

00:15:59Marc:That, you know, really inside of them, they're wired exactly the same as everybody else.

00:16:03Marc:And they want all the things that they say they don't.

00:16:05Guest 1:I didn't.

00:16:06Guest 1:And I meant that my wedding was simple.

00:16:08Marc:But you had a nice wedding, though.

00:16:09Marc:But you had you had people there.

00:16:10Marc:I mean, you went.

00:16:11Guest 1:Oh, I had people there.

00:16:12Guest 1:Where'd you get married?

00:16:14Guest 1:In Sudbury, Massachusetts.

00:16:15Marc:Who comes from there?

00:16:17Yeah.

00:16:17Guest 1:Well, we're both from Massachusetts.

00:16:19Guest 1:He's from the Cape, Neal, and I'm from a suburb.

00:16:22Guest 1:What does he do?

00:16:23Guest 1:He's an editor, like a comedy editor.

00:16:26Guest 1:A comedy editor.

00:16:27Guest 1:He was like working at Funny or Die, and then he just directed a movie with Matt Besser, so now he's editing the movie.

00:16:32Marc:Now, how long have you been married?

00:16:33Marc:How long has it been?

00:16:34Guest 1:Two months.

00:16:35Marc:And you're enjoying it?

00:16:37Guest 1:I'm loving it.

00:16:38Marc:Is it any different than it was before?

00:16:39Guest 1:I think so.

00:16:41Marc:Because you're married.

00:16:42Guest 1:It feels different.

00:16:43Guest 1:Like, I don't know what it is.

00:16:46Guest 1:You're in.

00:16:46Marc:I mean, it is different.

00:16:47Guest 1:I ran into, Neil and I ran into David Cross and we were like, oh, hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

00:16:51Marc:That must have been happy.

00:16:52Marc:It's always happy to run into David Cross.

00:16:54Guest 1:Oh, my God.

00:16:54Guest 1:He's like an old friend of Neil's and like, you know, we're friendly.

00:16:58Guest 1:What's your boyfriend?

00:16:59Guest 1:Mahoney.

00:17:00Marc:Have I met him?

00:17:00Guest 1:I think so, yeah.

00:17:02Marc:Okay.

00:17:03Guest 1:But probably very briefly, like backstage at UCB.

00:17:05Marc:So Cross, how did he shit on your day?

00:17:08Guest 1:He's like, hey, guys, I haven't seen you in so long.

00:17:10Guest 1:What's new?

00:17:10Guest 1:And we're like, nothing.

00:17:11Guest 1:And then we're like, oh, wait, no, we got married.

00:17:12Guest 1:And he goes, is that necessary?

00:17:15Guest 1:And we go, what do you mean?

00:17:16Guest 1:He goes, it's like legalized prostitution.

00:17:18Guest 1:I'm like, oh, what are we, in high school having some kind of identity?

00:17:22Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:17:23Marc:Is this the radical high school society?

00:17:25Guest 1:Oh, my God.

00:17:26Guest 1:I was like, well...

00:17:27Guest 1:No, I mean, I guess it's not, but it meant something to us because it's just, I don't know, as long as the tradition exists, we make it what we want.

00:17:35Guest 1:And he's like, but I thought you were a feminist.

00:17:37Guest 1:I'm like, I am, but what, I have to exclude myself from tradition?

00:17:39Marc:And this happened in like five minutes?

00:17:41Guest 1:Yeah, it was at a cocktail party, at an Emmy party.

00:17:44Guest 1:It was like, I had nothing to do with the Emmys.

00:17:47Guest 1:My friend got me into the party.

00:17:49Marc:Dave Cross raining on the parade.

00:17:51Guest 1:So then but then he goes, I go, well, we don't want kids.

00:17:54Guest 1:So it is kind of weird that we're getting married because you don't want kids.

00:17:56Guest 1:And then he thought that was so fucked up.

00:17:58Guest 1:I'm like, how do you not understand that?

00:18:00Guest 1:How does it made no sense to me?

00:18:02Marc:You got a couple more years before they want them.

00:18:05Guest 1:I do not want to care for something.

00:18:07Guest 1:I will hate them.

00:18:08Guest 1:I'm not interested.

00:18:09Guest 1:I have a whole life ahead of me.

00:18:11Marc:So what's that laugh look like when you're like 50?

00:18:14Guest 1:Looks fucking great.

00:18:15Guest 1:Really?

00:18:16Guest 1:I have a trainer.

00:18:16Guest 1:I'm in good shape.

00:18:18Guest 1:I'm going to do it then.

00:18:19Guest 1:I don't know why I'm going to get my shit together.

00:18:21Marc:Maybe you could just borrow a kid for a while.

00:18:23Guest 1:I don't want one.

00:18:24Guest 1:I don't want to love anything.

00:18:26Marc:What about your husband?

00:18:28Guest 1:I want to love him.

00:18:28Guest 1:Oh, does he want kids?

00:18:30Marc:No, but I mean, but you love him, right?

00:18:31Guest 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:32Guest 1:But I want to love something that can take care of itself and that doesn't technically need me.

00:18:35Marc:Maybe she get a teenager.

00:18:37Guest 1:They need you.

00:18:38Marc:Oh, you're right.

00:18:39Marc:They do.

00:18:39Guest 1:No, I don't want, I don't want one.

00:18:41Marc:Why do I need one?

00:18:42Marc:You don't, I don't think about it that much.

00:18:44Marc:You know, the moments that I think about it, they're sort of like, well, if I don't have kids, am I going to be one of those grownups without kids?

00:18:50Marc:And am I going to fully, you know, become a, what is it?

00:18:54Marc:A well-rounded adult in the sense that I think when you're forced to be selfless, it's sort of part of the evolution of being a grownup.

00:19:00Marc:And I think that, you know, older people without kids eventually, maybe it's just my perception of them seem a little cranky and a little weird.

00:19:07Guest 1:It's selfless not to have kids because you're not adding to the pollution.

00:19:11Guest 1:You can do charity.

00:19:12Guest 1:You can help people.

00:19:12Guest 1:I don't believe that shit that it's selfless.

00:19:15Guest 1:It is selfless because you have to give up everything.

00:19:16Guest 1:You can't take a shower like you're busy.

00:19:18Guest 1:I get that part of it.

00:19:20Guest 1:But the fact that that is what is defined as selfless nowadays makes me fucking crazy.

00:19:25Guest 1:Okay.

00:19:25Marc:All right.

00:19:26Marc:Well, I guess the bigger question is why do you hate children?

00:19:28Marc:Seriously.

00:19:29Guest 1:I don't know.

00:19:29Guest 1:I didn't like them when I was one.

00:19:31Guest 1:Gary Coleman said that once, and I was like, yes, Gary.

00:19:33Guest 1:I totally fucking agree.

00:19:35Guest 1:They were awful to me, and I think they're terrible.

00:19:38Guest 1:Yeah.

00:19:38Guest 1:And they're cute, too.

00:19:40Guest 1:I like babies.

00:19:41Marc:For a few days, that's what I say.

00:19:42Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.

00:19:42Marc:They're fun for a day or two, and then, you know... They have too much insight.

00:19:45Guest 1:Like, they look at you, and they just get something.

00:19:47Guest 1:They're from some spiritual realm where there's a lot of intelligence, and then they get here, and they look at you, and it...

00:19:52Guest 1:fucking freaks me out so you're threatened by children kind of they see right through you yes they call you on your ship in the unspoken language of a child yes sort of like the way you looked at me when i asked you for a cigarette in 1999 they just sit there judging you and looking and you're like what what and then you fall apart you don't think that you're projecting onto this kid maybe the kid's just saying i'm hungry is that my mommy

00:20:14Marc:You don't think so.

00:20:15Marc:I think you're right.

00:20:16Marc:Like when the brain is just growing like that, they can just pierce right through you.

00:20:20Guest 1:Yeah, they have nothing else like me.

00:20:21Guest 1:Like I'm distracted.

00:20:22Guest 1:I'm not spiritual anymore.

00:20:23Marc:Honestly, though, I think what you're doing is looking at the child and realizing how far away you are from that.

00:20:29Marc:And what that child is actually seeing in you is you realizing that you wish you were that open, that spiritual, that perfect, and that it's just never going to happen again.

00:20:40Marc:So fuck that kid.

00:20:41Guest 1:That seems fine to me.

00:20:42Marc:Okay.

00:20:43Marc:You seem like you're pretty ready for most things, actually.

00:20:46Marc:Are you giving yourself enough credit?

00:20:47Marc:You're employed.

00:20:48Marc:You're doing stand-up.

00:20:49Marc:You're respected.

00:20:50Marc:You know, people come to see you now.

00:20:52Guest 1:They do?

00:20:52Guest 1:Well, no, I'm just, I feel like I'm a mess.

00:20:53Guest 1:Like, we have to go to Australia on Friday for the show, and I'm convinced I'm going to die because I get anxiety attacks on airplanes, and I don't like being... Oh, Jesus.

00:21:03Marc:You better get some medicine.

00:21:04Guest 1:No, I got Klonopin.

00:21:05Guest 1:I got Klonopin.

00:21:06Marc:Oh, that'll do it.

00:21:06Marc:That's a long one, man.

00:21:07Guest 1:14 and a half.

00:21:08Marc:I've done that twice.

00:21:10Guest 1:And then I don't like being there.

00:21:11Guest 1:Like being there, I feel like I'm going to be like, I'm in Australia.

00:21:14Guest 1:I can't leave.

00:21:14Guest 1:I can't just get on a plane.

00:21:15Guest 1:Like nothing.

00:21:16Guest 1:I know.

00:21:16Guest 1:Like I get agoraphobic that way.

00:21:18Marc:I get panicked.

00:21:19Marc:You're going to get island disease.

00:21:21Marc:Like, you know, like you're going to be on an island and you're going to feel stranded.

00:21:24Guest 1:Yes.

00:21:24Marc:That island's about as big as this country.

00:21:27Marc:And you might.

00:21:27Marc:Where are you going?

00:21:28Marc:Sydney?

00:21:28Guest 1:Yeah.

00:21:29Marc:Oh, you have a great time.

00:21:30Guest 1:See, I don't think that way.

00:21:31Guest 1:To me, it's going to be horrible.

00:21:33Guest 1:I'm like, oh, maybe something will happen and I won't have to go.

00:21:35Guest 1:They'll cancel it.

00:21:36Marc:But you're just filled with dread because you're afraid.

00:21:39Guest 1:Yeah, fear and dread is how I live.

00:21:41Guest 1:Yeah, me too.

00:21:41Guest 1:That's not how you have a child.

00:21:42Guest 1:You don't have a child if you feel that way.

00:21:44Marc:I know, but don't you want to correct this thing?

00:21:46Marc:I'm working on it.

00:21:47Marc:Are you really?

00:21:48Guest 1:I'm in therapy every freaking week.

00:21:50Guest 1:Really?

00:21:51Guest 1:I've been since the beginning of time, since I was 21.

00:21:54Guest 1:15 years.

00:21:55Marc:When are you going to realize you have no control over anything?

00:21:59Marc:And that fear and dread is just your way of trying to protect yourself from enjoying anything.

00:22:05Marc:Fear and dread is very consistent.

00:22:06Marc:When you sit and speculate negatively about the future, then it could only get better.

00:22:10Marc:And you're assuming this amount of control you don't have.

00:22:13Marc:The flight will be fine.

00:22:14Marc:You'll get to Australia.

00:22:15Marc:And this is coming from a guy.

00:22:17Marc:You know me.

00:22:18Marc:I mean, I'm full of dread and panic.

00:22:20Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.

00:22:20Marc:But but, you know, you just even if you don't have a good time, even if you're you might as well just sit there and feel lost and weird.

00:22:28Marc:Then like, oh, this sucks.

00:22:30Guest 1:Yeah, I'm not good with sitting and feeling the lost and weird, like going with obviously.

00:22:34Guest 1:Yeah, because I know I can't control it and I'm not afraid like the plane's going to crash or dying or anything.

00:22:40Guest 1:I just don't like being in situations that I don't decide to be in.

00:22:45Guest 1:Like I have to go.

00:22:46Marc:So you're like a child.

00:22:48Guest 1:Yes.

00:22:49Marc:Okay.

00:22:50Guest 1:Yes.

00:22:50Marc:That's why you don't want to have children.

00:22:52Guest 1:Yes.

00:22:52Guest 1:I'm working on so much shit that by the time I grow up and get my shit together.

00:22:57Marc:You'll be 50.

00:22:58Guest 1:Yeah, I'll be like, oh, I can't wait to enjoy this adulthood a little bit.

00:23:01Marc:Yeah, finally.

00:23:02Marc:I've got like maybe 20 years left.

00:23:04Marc:I might as well have a good time.

00:23:04Guest 1:I'm going to have a garden or something.

00:23:05Marc:I just said that to a friend of mine.

00:23:07Marc:I said, look, you start to realize you get past a certain age that there's not that much time left and I'd like to enjoy some of it.

00:23:13Marc:Is that okay?

00:23:14Guest 1:Yeah.

00:23:15Marc:Yeah.

00:23:15Guest 1:Yeah.

00:23:16Guest 1:No, it is OK.

00:23:16Guest 1:I feel like I'm coming off.

00:23:18Guest 1:If I was listening to me, I'd be like, I cannot stand this girl right now.

00:23:22Guest 1:I'm already worried about people sending you emails like don't ever.

00:23:25Marc:You'd be surprised how many people once you start talking that you'll I don't know you'll get emails like that, but, you know, people identify with you.

00:23:32Marc:The thing about talking about this kind of stuff in an honest way is that not many people do it.

00:23:37Marc:So there'll be judges, but there'll also be people that are like, oh, my God, no one ever says that.

00:23:41Marc:I feel exactly that way.

00:23:42Guest 1:I know someone actually did email me once that they get panic attacks and I wrote them this long thing back that was like, and they just never wrote back.

00:23:49Guest 1:And I'm like, they were probably just like, hey, thanks for mentioning it.

00:23:51Marc:I had one once and I'm like, well, there's an old bit of advice that was passed down to me by somebody else.

00:23:57Marc:If you are, you know, sitting at home, freaking out, like, you know, like I'm fucked.

00:24:01Marc:This is I'm fucked.

00:24:02Marc:Just like for a second, realize you're just a person sitting in a room that most of what you freak out about is something you're generating yourself.

00:24:10Guest 1:Yeah, it's all in my head.

00:24:11Marc:Yeah, but that's easy to dismiss that.

00:24:13Marc:But that means you can execute some control over it.

00:24:16Guest 1:Yeah.

00:24:16Marc:In the way where it's sort of like, try to stay in the present.

00:24:20Marc:Like, you know, what color are my shoes?

00:24:21Marc:What do I have to do right now?

00:24:23Guest 1:Yes.

00:24:23Marc:And stay there as opposed to like, what you probably do is what I do.

00:24:26Marc:It's like in the middle of that, you go, fuck, I got to go to Australia.

00:24:30Marc:Yeah.

00:24:30Marc:And then everything turns to shit.

00:24:32Guest 1:And then I go, then it keeps going further.

00:24:34Guest 1:Like someday my parents are going to die, then I'm going to die.

00:24:35Guest 1:And then what if I lose gravity and fall off the planet?

00:24:37Guest 1:Like I go insane places in my head.

00:24:40Guest 1:Yep.

00:24:40Marc:I don't do that anymore.

00:24:42Guest 1:Well, I'm glad you used to.

00:24:44Guest 1:You know what I'm fucking talking about.

00:24:45Marc:No, I absolutely know what you're talking about, but I don't have the energy to do it anymore.

00:24:49Marc:I don't have the energy to be afraid of flying anymore.

00:24:51Marc:I used to be petrified of flying.

00:24:53Marc:I was a guy that would be like, you know, buzzing the stewardess.

00:24:56Marc:There's a sound different.

00:24:57Marc:The sound changed.

00:24:58Marc:Did you hear the sound change?

00:25:00Marc:I once freaked out because there was oil leaking out of something on the on the wing.

00:25:03Marc:I saw oil leaking and I knew it was leaking.

00:25:06Guest 3:Yeah.

00:25:06Marc:And I was like, I, you know, I sat there for like an hour going, this is fucked up.

00:25:10Marc:This is this I've got.

00:25:11Marc:And I was the guy that went up to the front of the plane and told the head stewardess guy or the flight attendant, there's oil leaking.

00:25:18Marc:Yeah.

00:25:18Marc:At the point.

00:25:19Marc:And you know what he told me?

00:25:20Marc:What else could he tell me?

00:25:21Marc:He said, that's normal.

00:25:22Guest 1:Oh, right.

00:25:23Guest 1:That's what they always say.

00:25:24Marc:Right.

00:25:24Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:25:24Marc:It's normal that there's oil leaking at the point.

00:25:26Marc:But I guess some of those things are like cars.

00:25:28Marc:You know, I mean, they can still fly.

00:25:29Guest 1:Yeah.

00:25:30Guest 1:It's probably like coolant.

00:25:31Guest 1:Well, the last time I got really coolant.

00:25:33Guest 3:Smoking antifreeze.

00:25:35Guest 1:The last time I got scared, I tried to run up the plane while it was taking off.

00:25:38Guest 1:This is pre 9-11.

00:25:40Guest 1:And I was going to L.A.

00:25:41Guest 1:actually to do a show.

00:25:42Guest 1:And the stewardess had to hold me.

00:25:45Guest 1:Hold me.

00:25:46Guest 1:They put me, they made a little bed for me and they held me like I was a child.

00:25:50Marc:That's pathetic.

00:25:52Guest 1:And I was with other fucking comedians.

00:25:54Marc:Were people looking at you?

00:25:55Guest 1:Yes, people were staring.

00:25:57Marc:And you were crying.

00:25:58Guest 1:I was hyperventilating.

00:26:01Guest 1:It was just like that kind of normal.

00:26:03Guest 1:I'm not like that anymore.

00:26:04Guest 1:Now I'm fine.

00:26:05Guest 1:I have fun.

00:26:05Guest 1:I have a glass of champagne.

00:26:06Guest 1:You know, I get the fashion magazine, the Klonopin.

00:26:09Marc:Conquering my fear of flying taught me a lot about conquering fears in life because it is really the core of that panic disorder.

00:26:19Marc:Because if you're afraid of flying, you get onto that machine and you've got to fly somewhere and you have absolutely no control.

00:26:27Marc:over any of it like it becomes a metaphor for life you don't know how to fly a plane if something was to go wrong there was nothing you can do so literally either you choose to live in the panic which which 99% of the time will turn out to be a waste of fucking time and energy yeah or you fucking let go and say you know it's out of my hands

00:26:47Guest 1:I wish I could let go and have the physical stuff stop happening.

00:26:51Guest 1:Like you let go mentally, but then I'm still shaking and the heart's racing.

00:26:55Guest 1:It's very physical.

00:26:57Marc:How do you perform comedy like that?

00:26:59Guest 1:I don't panic when I'm doing comedy.

00:27:00Guest 1:Only when I'm in planes or outside of my home.

00:27:04Marc:Outside anywhere?

00:27:05Guest 1:No, I mean outside of my home country.

00:27:08Guest 1:Oh, right.

00:27:09Marc:But that's so common because I get that, too.

00:27:11Marc:And then I realize it's because, like, despite the fact that I'm critical of our government and I have my own issues with American culture, that it's just too weird and different over there.

00:27:20Marc:There's different serial people talking in an accent that's different.

00:27:23Marc:I can't immediately have no boundaries with them and communicate.

00:27:26Guest 1:Yeah, I don't like other places.

00:27:27Marc:Well, I like other places.

00:27:28Marc:It's just that I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to socialize.

00:27:32Guest 1:Right.

00:27:33Marc:And because it's a whole different culture and it's a more intimate culture and it's very set in its ways.

00:27:38Marc:Most other countries are.

00:27:39Marc:We're the only one that is just this huge conglomerate of a bunch of freaky different traditions of all different kinds.

00:27:46Marc:It all becomes hazy to me.

00:27:48Marc:It seems like it's just fading into the past.

00:27:51Guest 1:I know there was a lot of power yoga.

00:27:53Marc:I did a lot.

00:27:54Marc:That's right.

00:27:54Marc:We bonded on that, too, because I saw you at Power Yoga.

00:27:57Guest 1:With Joe, the fat yoga teacher at the YMCA, who used to get mad at his dad.

00:28:01Marc:Yeah, right.

00:28:01Marc:And he'd talk about, like, you know, some of you are out here to write screenplays.

00:28:06Marc:I'm writing a project.

00:28:08Marc:But that doesn't matter now.

00:28:10Guest 1:I loved him.

00:28:10Guest 1:He'd come in and go, I just got off the phone with my dad.

00:28:13Guest 1:And then he'd just start blaring tool or something.

00:28:15Guest 1:Yeah, right.

00:28:15Marc:And we'd do, like, an angry... Turning up the heat.

00:28:17Yeah.

00:28:17Guest 1:We do an angry downward dog.

00:28:19Marc:I used to love that class.

00:28:20Marc:And it just was too early sometimes.

00:28:22Marc:And I always hurt myself.

00:28:23Marc:I got to go back to yoga.

00:28:25Guest 1:You'd always be there with a huge coffee, which I really thought was kind of funny.

00:28:30Marc:Yeah, I do that.

00:28:31Marc:Like, I'll chew nicotine gum at yoga.

00:28:33Marc:I'll push it.

00:28:35Guest 1:I would fart if I had coffee and did yoga.

00:28:37Guest 1:Really?

00:28:37Guest 1:Did you?

00:28:37Guest 1:I don't like fart humor.

00:28:38Marc:Yeah.

00:28:39Marc:Okay.

00:28:39Marc:Well, then I'm not going to laugh at that.

00:28:42Guest 1:No, that wasn't even supposed to be funny, but I can't have anything in my body.

00:28:45Marc:Have you farted in a yoga class and gotten caught?

00:28:49Guest 1:No.

00:28:49Guest 1:Well, I haven't been to yoga in a long time.

00:28:51Guest 1:I'm into this doing nothing and gaining weight thing, I guess, right now.

00:28:55Marc:Yeah, I feel like I'm slipping towards that, but I'm not going to do it.

00:28:57Marc:It's so weird about farts, and I know you're not into fart humor, but...

00:29:00Marc:It's because I'm judgmental of it too.

00:29:02Marc:I remember there was a guy in the old class who farted and it was like this sort of old guy trying to be young and I just couldn't, he was just a farter from there on out.

00:29:10Marc:He was the guy who farted and I'll never forget that he farted.

00:29:13Marc:Like if I see him ever now, it's like, hey, I know something about you because he's always one of these older guys I see at the Y who's like, you know, I'm the shit.

00:29:22Marc:I'm 60, but I'm the shit.

00:29:24Marc:I'm like, nah, you're the farter.

00:29:25Guest 1:I know everyone does it, but you do judge it like somehow they don't have the control.

00:29:29Marc:Why is that such a fucked up thing?

00:29:32Marc:I have a roommate now and I'm just paralyzed with fear in my own house to fart freely.

00:29:38Guest 1:You don't want to do that.

00:29:39Guest 1:I do it at home a lot to Neil.

00:29:42Guest 1:A child will run up to him and be like, listen to this.

00:29:46Guest 1:I can do some crazy trumpet noises.

00:29:50Marc:You're a fart artist?

00:29:51Guest 1:I can't control it, but sometimes if I feel like it.

00:29:56Marc:And you guys are at that level?

00:29:58Guest 1:Or married, I mean.

00:29:59Marc:Right.

00:30:00Marc:That's one of the gifts of marriage is being able to fart trumpet and be proud of it.

00:30:04Guest 1:I think we got that out of the way early.

00:30:05Guest 1:I don't remember what happened.

00:30:07Guest 1:I normally do not like that stuff.

00:30:09Marc:It's such a relief to get that out of the way.

00:30:10Guest 1:But I know Jimmy Pardo has never farted in front of his wife.

00:30:12Guest 1:He told me that once.

00:30:13Marc:Are you serious?

00:30:14Guest 1:Yeah.

00:30:14Marc:Because I'm like relatively gassy, I think as people go and to be condemned to not being able to fart is like miserable because you can't sleep and then you got to get up out of bed.

00:30:24Guest 1:Yeah, it does take it down a notch in my eyes.

00:30:27Guest 1:Like it doesn't take my husband down a notch, but if I had a crush on a guy or something and like.

00:30:32Marc:You have to learn to enjoy their expressions.

00:30:34Guest 1:I've never had a casual sex with someone that ended up farting.

00:30:37Guest 1:No, but if they had, it would be done.

00:30:39Marc:Yeah.

00:30:40Guest 1:But in a relationship, I guess it's different because it's like, well, you're going to die.

00:30:43Guest 1:Do you remember casual sex?

00:30:44Guest 1:You're going to die on me.

00:30:45Guest 1:The movie or the actual act of it?

00:30:47Marc:The act of it.

00:30:49Marc:Like what were deal breakers for you?

00:30:50Marc:Because I've done some sexing in the last couple of years, like more than I have in a long time.

00:30:57Guest 1:And what are the deal breakers?

00:31:00Marc:Like in that when you don't know somebody that well and you've already had sex with them and then you're sort of like, oh, this is it.

00:31:05Marc:He just did that.

00:31:07Guest 1:You know what?

00:31:07Guest 1:I feel like I never got the chance to be the one that broke the deal.

00:31:10Guest 1:What I found in any of my casual experiences was I would be like, okay, this is cool.

00:31:17Guest 1:I don't want a relationship.

00:31:18Guest 1:I swear to God in my life.

00:31:19Guest 1:I just want to have fun.

00:31:21Guest 1:And then they would never call again.

00:31:23Guest 1:Be like one night of fun, someone I know.

00:31:26Guest 1:And they would be like, yeah, this can be a casual thing.

00:31:29Guest 1:Never again.

00:31:30Guest 1:And then I would run into and be like, hey.

00:31:31Guest 1:And I'm like, am I horrible?

00:31:33Guest 1:I must be terrible.

00:31:35Guest 1:and there must be something so wrong with me that's interesting see i don't talk to women a lot and i need to talk to them more i yeah it's it was the weirdest thing and my friends were like you can't put it out there and go hey i'm available for you know and then freak out ever like it they don't like that they want to i mean it really i want you to fight them no they want to chase you and hunt you and have you be demure even though it's a casual sex i have no patience for that i'd much rather have casual sex but you freaked out after it sounds like

00:32:03Guest 1:No, I didn't freak out.

00:32:04Marc:Really?

00:32:04Marc:How come you're like, what, you don't want to talk to me anymore?

00:32:07Guest 1:No, that was going in my head.

00:32:08Guest 1:Like, this one guy was like, hey, we should, like, he literally put it out there.

00:32:12Guest 1:Like, hey, let me take you out sometime.

00:32:14Guest 1:Listen, I just got to tell you, I'm not looking for a relationship.

00:32:15Guest 1:I'm like, perfect.

00:32:16Guest 1:Neither am I. I just had my heart broken.

00:32:18Guest 1:I just want to, like, screw around.

00:32:19Guest 1:He was like, great, me too.

00:32:21Guest 1:And he's like, but I feel kind of cheap just, like, jumping into it.

00:32:24Guest 1:So let me take you out to dinner or whatever.

00:32:25Guest 1:I'm like, great.

00:32:26Guest 4:What a sport.

00:32:27Guest 1:Yeah.

00:32:28Guest 1:But we were like friends.

00:32:29Guest 1:We were old friends.

00:32:30Guest 1:Yeah.

00:32:30Guest 1:We were hanging out.

00:32:31Guest 1:The thing happened.

00:32:33Guest 4:The thing, yeah.

00:32:33Guest 1:And he was like, we both seemed to be having fun.

00:32:37Guest 1:And, you know, there was like, he wanted to hang out later, you know, that night.

00:32:42Guest 1:It wasn't like, get out of here or anything like that.

00:32:43Guest 4:Right, right.

00:32:44Guest 1:And then I was like, cool, that was fun.

00:32:46Guest 1:And then I, you know, wait a couple of days and then I would call again and be like, hey, you want to meet up?

00:32:49Guest 1:And then nothing, nothing ever again.

00:32:52Guest 1:And I'm like, I don't know what I did.

00:32:54Guest 1:And that's happened a lot.

00:32:56Marc:Really?

00:32:57Guest 1:Yeah.

00:32:57Guest 1:So I don't know.

00:32:58Marc:What, you're not even friends anymore like?

00:33:00Guest 1:Well, no, I see him now.

00:33:01Guest 1:We're friends.

00:33:02Guest 1:But this happened with a lot of, maybe it's comedians.

00:33:04Marc:Maybe they're embarrassed.

00:33:06Guest 1:Yeah, and you know what I think might happen?

00:33:07Guest 1:I had a good friend.

00:33:08Guest 1:We had this.

00:33:09Guest 1:He was like a boyfriend's friend.

00:33:11Marc:Yeah.

00:33:11Guest 1:And then after that boyfriend, I broke up.

00:33:13Guest 1:We were like, hey.

00:33:15Marc:That's what I did.

00:33:15Marc:I was an asshole.

00:33:17Guest 1:Well, the guy cheated on me and dumped me.

00:33:20Guest 1:And his best friend was like, don't fucking treat her like that.

00:33:22Guest 1:You know, like she's a cool chick.

00:33:23Marc:So he stood up for you and you fucked him.

00:33:26Guest 1:He didn't stand up for me, but he was just like, we remain friends.

00:33:28Guest 1:He's like, hey, I hope that just because I live with this asshole that we aren't friends.

00:33:32Guest 1:But the relationship went on from Boston to Brooklyn to L.A.

00:33:36Guest 1:It followed me everywhere.

00:33:38Guest 1:Whenever we were single, we would call each other and have so much fun.

00:33:41Marc:That's a fuck friend.

00:33:42Guest 1:Yeah, but I never got attached to him because I would never, ever date someone like him.

00:33:48Guest 1:He would never date someone like me.

00:33:50Guest 1:He was just too much of a free spirit, like pothead, like not my type.

00:33:54Guest 1:Really?

00:33:54Guest 1:I have, you know, I don't know the gauge.

00:33:57Marc:No, I don't think that's true at all.

00:33:59Guest 1:Oh, okay.

00:33:59Guest 1:I was having Twitter fights with people all day.

00:34:02Marc:I noticed.

00:34:02Marc:What the hell happened there?

00:34:03Guest 1:I just feel like fucking with people.

00:34:05Marc:Really?

00:34:06Guest 1:I just like to get people mad so that I can have people following me that truly like me.

00:34:11Marc:So you're trying to get rid of the hangers-on?

00:34:13Guest 1:Mm-hmm.

00:34:14Marc:How many do you have?

00:34:16Guest 1:I have 8,000-something, but I don't know how many are hangers-on and how many are decent.

00:34:20Guest 1:It's hard to know.

00:34:22Guest 1:But this one person said something about something.

00:34:25Guest 1:It's so stupid.

00:34:26Guest 1:I don't like that whole culture at all.

00:34:28Guest 1:I can tell.

00:34:29Guest 1:It's not good for me.

00:34:30Marc:You're just detached from it.

00:34:32Guest 1:I'm like, oh, no, I'm engaged in it.

00:34:34Guest 1:But, yeah, people call me horrible things.

00:34:37Marc:From, because of the show appearances or?

00:34:38Guest 1:No, this guy wrote, can you give me a shout out on the Chelsea show?

00:34:41Guest 1:And I wrote, instead of just running back, no, or not running back.

00:34:44Guest 1:I just wrote, fuck you.

00:34:45Guest 1:I don't do shout outs.

00:34:46Guest 1:It's disgusting.

00:34:47Guest 1:I just wrote something kind of rude.

00:34:48Marc:You engaged.

00:34:49Guest 1:Yeah.

00:34:49Guest 1:But I wasn't like emotionally charged about what I wrote.

00:34:52Guest 1:I just thought it was kind of funny to say it like that.

00:34:54Guest 1:Yeah.

00:34:54Guest 1:And he went crazy.

00:34:56Guest 1:And then his friends were emailing.

00:34:58Marc:We're so accessible now.

00:34:59Marc:Like you're the person on TV.

00:35:00Marc:He's the fucking guy who's just like, oh, dumb on your following or, you know.

00:35:04Guest 1:I don't like it.

00:35:05Marc:Well, it's very hard to maintain any sort of boundaries.

00:35:08Marc:Because if you're like us, you're not great with the boundaries.

00:35:11Marc:I'm not great with the boundaries.

00:35:12Marc:I'll engage with just about anybody.

00:35:13Marc:And then all of a sudden you're in this thing.

00:35:15Guest 1:I'm like, was Frank Sinatra doing this?

00:35:18Guest 1:Like, no.

00:35:19Marc:Are you kidding?

00:35:20Marc:Frank Sinatra's feet never touched the ground.

00:35:22Guest 1:No, I mean, it's like the relationship is this.

00:35:24Guest 1:I talk, you laugh.

00:35:26Guest 1:That's our conversation.

00:35:28Marc:Well, sometimes people write funny things and I'll retweet it.

00:35:30Marc:And I don't mind communicating with my fans in a fairly intimate way because I do this type of show.

00:35:35Marc:I mean, I'm not I'm not sitting here telling jokes.

00:35:37Marc:So when people listen to this, they know me.

00:35:39Marc:They have a very, you know, like when you do this, I don't know them.

00:35:43Marc:But when they walk up to me and go, what are you going to do about that dog?

00:35:46Marc:I can't go.

00:35:47Marc:How the fuck do you know that?

00:35:48Guest 1:No, it's good.

00:35:49Guest 1:It's nice.

00:35:50Guest 1:But when people see me telling Lindsay Lohan jokes on TV, they don't know my politics or who I am or whatever.

00:35:54Marc:What's going on with her?

00:35:55Guest 1:Oh, I don't know.

00:35:56Guest 1:Actually, this is an example.

00:35:57Guest 1:I think she's going to die by February.

00:35:59Guest 1:I hope she does not, but she's pretty far down the prescription drug hole.

00:36:04Marc:Really?

00:36:05Guest 1:Mm-hmm.

00:36:05Guest 1:I think she's on all the pills.

00:36:07Marc:Oh, it's so sad.

00:36:07Marc:She was so pretty.

00:36:09Guest 1:Yeah, she was.

00:36:10Marc:Well, that's a nice note to end on.

00:36:13Marc:Try not to fight with people on Twitter.

00:36:15Marc:I'm going to go see if I can give some Adderall to that dog.

00:36:18Marc:And it was great talking to you, Jen Kirkman.

00:36:21Guest 1:Thanks for having me.

00:36:21Marc:And I'm so glad you're doing well.

00:36:23Guest 1:I'm glad you're doing well.

00:36:24Marc:I wish we had some ice cream or something.

00:36:26Marc:Do you eat sweets?

00:36:26Guest 1:I just turned vegan.

00:36:29Marc:All right, we're not done yet.

00:36:30Guest 1:And I gained fucking 10 pounds.

00:36:32Marc:What are you eating then?

00:36:33Marc:Why would you go vegan?

00:36:36Guest 1:Because I had a cheese addiction and I could not stop gaining weight.

00:36:40Marc:That's what you're going to do?

00:36:41Marc:You're going to judge potheads and you had a cheese addiction?

00:36:44Guest 1:I mean, it was bad, like eating a block of cheese.

00:36:46Marc:That's like eating lard.

00:36:48Guest 1:I know.

00:36:49Guest 1:That's disgusting.

00:36:50Guest 1:It's so good.

00:36:50Marc:So your veganism is a reaction to your cheese addiction?

00:36:53Guest 1:No, I've been a vegetarian for 20 years.

00:36:55Guest 1:year 22 years yeah i i tried it but it's not the healthiest thing in the world no but vegan for me i was like i just might as well go the next step because dairy is kind of bad for the immune system and dairy is just bad i try not to eat it there's just no it's like dairy eggs that was the next thing i should cut out so that was it i eat actually really well like lots of salads and yeah tofu and vegetables and grain and peanut butter peanut butter i eat it real food daily a lot there's amazing food too much beans and green and grains

00:37:24Guest 1:Maybe that's why I'm farting like a trumpet.

00:37:26Marc:Yeah.

00:37:27Marc:I'd ask you to do it on the show, but I know it's something you just share with your husband.

00:37:30Guest 1:I can't make myself.

00:37:31Guest 1:It's just if I feel one coming on, I can hold it in.

00:37:33Guest 1:If I was on a date, I would hold it in.

00:37:35Marc:Yeah.

00:37:35Guest 1:And since I'm married with him, I'll run up to him and be like, listen, and just try to make him crazy.

00:37:41Marc:Well, that sounds like love to me.

00:37:43Guest 1:Yeah, I think it is.

00:37:44Marc:Thanks for being on the show.

00:37:45Guest 1:Thank you.

00:37:53Guest 6:El Rancho Delgado.

00:37:58Marc:Oh, my God.

00:37:59Marc:I have to introduce my guests.

00:38:00Marc:You know, we try to have a big tent on the show, and I am not a stranger to listening to ethnic radio.

00:38:07Marc:Can I call it that?

00:38:07Marc:A Latino radio?

00:38:09Marc:You can call it whatever you want, Mark Maron.

00:38:12Marc:Of course, some of you recognize that voice.

00:38:13Marc:That is Chupacabra, who is one of the most popular Latino.

00:38:18Marc:Is that what we're going with?

00:38:19Guest 7:Sí.

00:38:20Marc:Latino DJs.

00:38:21Marc:Do you call him a DJ?

00:38:22Marc:DJ.

00:38:23Marc:Yeah, DJ.

00:38:25Marc:He's been on many stations.

00:38:26Marc:He broadcasts.

00:38:27Marc:Where are you broadcasting now?

00:38:29Marc:Out of L.A.?

00:38:30Guest 7:I'm here in L.A., but syndicated por todo el mundo.

00:38:33Guest 7:911.9, el sangre de los ángeles.

00:38:39Marc:Now, you know what's interesting about that?

00:38:40Marc:I had no idea what you said, but I still find it entertaining.

00:38:43Guest 7:I said 911.1.

00:38:45Marc:Oh, okay, okay.

00:38:47Marc:Yeah, I find that when I listen to Latino radio that I don't even care if I understand the language.

00:38:54Marc:It's just so fun.

00:38:55Guest 7:When I listen to Jewish podcasting, I don't think whether you are controlling the media.

00:39:01Marc:Now, wait a minute.

00:39:02Marc:You don't do a political show, do you, Chupacabria?

00:39:05Guest 7:No, we cover all types of events.

00:39:07Guest 7:We talk to people.

00:39:08Guest 7:We have conversations.

00:39:10Guest 7:We play music.

00:39:11Guest 7:We do prank phone calls.

00:39:13Guest 7:Todo that you want.

00:39:14Marc:But the thing is that it seemed to me that the Jewish comments seem... Now, it's common now... Are you a Jewish person?

00:39:21Marc:Yes.

00:39:21Guest 7:Are you doing podcasting?

00:39:23Marc:Yes.

00:39:23Guest 7:Then we are on a Jewish podcast.

00:39:25Marc:I know, but the controlling the media thing seemed a little out in left field.

00:39:28Guest 7:Are you controlling the media that you send out the podcasting por todo el mundo?

00:39:33Marc:Yes, I am.

00:39:33Guest 7:Well, then you are Jewish podcasting controlling the media.

00:39:36Marc:Okay, I see your point.

00:39:37Marc:But, you know, it's fairly common knowledge that in the Latino community that there has been some resistance to gay rights.

00:39:45Marc:Yes.

00:39:46Marc:But do you talk about that on your radio show?

00:39:49Marc:Are you...

00:39:49Guest 7:We don't talk about politics.

00:39:51Guest 7:We just say maybe you shouldn't vote for Prop A. What?

00:39:55Marc:That seems to be fairly specifically talking about politics.

00:39:58Guest 7:No, it's not politics, because if it were politics, we would say, oh, this president cannot marry this president.

00:40:05Guest 7:But in this case, we're just saying, no, Mr. Mariposa cannot marry Mrs. Mariposa, the man.

00:40:11Marc:Do you have a problem with gay marriage?

00:40:13Guest 7:I have no problem.

00:40:14Guest 7:You do whatever it is you want to do inside the house, okay?

00:40:18Guest 7:Yeah.

00:40:18Guest 7:But when we come outside the house and you want to come into the holy union of marriage, frente al dios, de poli, you cannot do this kind of thing for me.

00:40:28Guest 5:Right.

00:40:28Guest 7:Because, you know, the one thing that we can all agree on, los negros y los hispanos, is that we must crush los gays.

00:40:37Marc:So you're saying that the blacks and the Latinos must crush the gays?

00:40:41Guest 7:Yes.

00:40:42Marc:But that seems fairly biased and bigoted and off base.

00:40:45Guest 7:I'm sorry, I do not understand those words.

00:40:48Marc:It seems wrong to me that you would deny the gays the right to have what they want.

00:40:54Guest 7:It would seem wrong to me that your people lend money at an exorbitant rate, but I do not tell you about it.

00:41:00Marc:Well, you just did tell me about it.

00:41:02Guest 7:But I was in a hypothetical sense.

00:41:04Guest 7:Oh, we've got a caller.

00:41:05Guest 7:Can we take this caller?

00:41:06Marc:We're doing a podcast.

00:41:08Marc:We can't take a caller.

00:41:08Guest 7:All right.

00:41:09Guest 7:It's caller number three, I think.

00:41:10Marc:Okay.

00:41:12Marc:Caller.

00:41:12Marc:All right.

00:41:12Marc:Hello, caller.

00:41:14Guest 5:Hola, Mark Maron.

00:41:16Marc:Hello.

00:41:16Marc:Who's this?

00:41:17Guest 5:Yo soy un baby.

00:41:18Marc:Oh, it's a baby on the phone, Chupacabra.

00:41:21Guest 5:Oh, hello, baby.

00:41:22Guest 5:¿Qué pasa, baby?

00:41:23Guest 5:Hi, Mark Maron.

00:41:25Guest 5:I have a question.

00:41:26Marc:What's your question, baby?

00:41:28Guest 5:You have the new T-shirt with the WTF podcast?

00:41:32Marc:I do.

00:41:32Marc:I have them available to subscribers.

00:41:34Marc:You can buy one off the site.

00:41:35Marc:Do you have baby T-shirt?

00:41:38Marc:I have not printed any baby T-shirts.

00:41:40Guest 7:Oh, maybe it's time to print some baby T-shirt for this baby.

00:41:43Guest 7:Did you know that you had a baby fan base?

00:41:45Marc:No, I didn't know I had a baby fan base.

00:41:47Guest 5:Mark Maron, would you send me one of your gatos for mail?

00:41:51Marc:You want a cat in the mail?

00:41:52Mm-hmm.

00:41:53Marc:Sure, I'll do that for you, baby.

00:41:56Marc:Thank you, Mark Meyer.

00:41:58Marc:You're welcome.

00:41:59Marc:Thank you for calling.

00:42:00Guest 7:Oh, the baby.

00:42:02Guest 7:That's a nice baby.

00:42:03Marc:Yeah, I've never taken a caller.

00:42:04Marc:I've got to tell you, it was a pretty good experience.

00:42:06Guest 7:We've got a number.

00:42:07Guest 7:The phone lines are lighting up.

00:42:09Marc:Do we have a caller on line?

00:42:10Marc:What line would that be?

00:42:11Marc:Four.

00:42:12Marc:Line four.

00:42:13Marc:Hello.

00:42:13Guest 7:Four line.

00:42:15Marc:Who's this?

00:42:17Guest 7:Señor Juarez.

00:42:20Marc:I don't understand what he's saying.

00:42:21Guest 7:I'm saying Señor Juarez is on the phone.

00:42:24Marc:Oh, Señor Juarez on the phone.

00:42:26Guest 7:Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

00:42:28Guest 7:That's Señor Juarez's song.

00:42:30Marc:Oh, okay.

00:42:30Guest 7:He called my radio station.

00:42:32Marc:Okay, now when you're on your radio station, do you usually have a machine where you push a button and the song comes, or you just go organic like that?

00:42:39Guest 7:It's organic.

00:42:40Marc:That's really old school.

00:42:41Marc:That's horrific.

00:42:42Guest 7:Yes.

00:42:42Marc:So are we still on the phone with...

00:42:43Guest 7:Yeah, I'm still here.

00:42:47Guest 7:Yeah, I'm still here.

00:42:48Marc:Yes, Senor Juarez, do you have a question for me or El Chupacabra?

00:42:53Marc:Yes.

00:42:54Guest 7:Why don't you believe in God?

00:42:56Marc:Because I just don't find that I have a need to believe in God.

00:43:01Guest 7:What happened when you died?

00:43:03Marc:Nothing.

00:43:06Marc:Wow.

00:43:07Marc:Is he all right?

00:43:08Marc:Hello?

00:43:10Marc:Hello?

00:43:11Guest 7:Oh, that's a shame.

00:43:13Guest 7:I think Senior Quarter just found out what was about to happen to him.

00:43:19Marc:We've had our first death on the air by caller on a show that has never taken calls before.

00:43:23Marc:This is a tremendous experience.

00:43:25Marc:So, Chupacabra, do you do a lot of remotes?

00:43:28Guest 7:Oh, yeah.

00:43:29Guest 7:We go out into the field all the time.

00:43:31Guest 7:We do jaywalking.

00:43:33Guest 7:That's a funny man, Jay Leno.

00:43:36Marc:Is he a funny man?

00:43:37Marc:Yes.

00:43:38Marc:Don't you think that the early show is a little weird?

00:43:42Guest 7:The early show called Tom Snyder?

00:43:43Marc:No, no, the early show at 10 at night with Jay Leno.

00:43:47Guest 7:No, that is the time because who wants to watch beautiful people investigate rapes?

00:43:52Guest 7:When they could watch Jay Leno rape America with his jokes.

00:43:56Marc:Oh, that's very funny.

00:43:57Marc:I saw how you did the little turn on that.

00:43:59Marc:I didn't even know he was coming.

00:44:00Marc:Have you ever met Jay Leno?

00:44:02Guest 7:Oh, yes.

00:44:03Guest 7:We came up together.

00:44:04Guest 7:Comedy and Magic Club.

00:44:05Marc:Oh, really?

00:44:06Guest 7:Yes.

00:44:06Guest 7:You did comedy?

00:44:07Guest 7:No, no.

00:44:07Guest 7:I was washing dishes.

00:44:12Guest 7:I was a recent immigrant from Pasadena.

00:44:16Marc:Pasadena, California.

00:44:17Marc:Yes, born and raised.

00:44:18Marc:Yeah, it must have been hard coming up in Pasadena.

00:44:20Guest 7:It was so difficult because, you know, they had not developed, and we were at that point, we were, everyone in Pasadena seems like they're going to be Ronald Reagan.

00:44:30Marc:Yeah, well, I've not spent much time there, although it's right down the street.

00:44:34Marc:It's beautiful.

00:44:35Marc:Is it?

00:44:35Marc:I go to old Pasadena.

00:44:37Guest 7:Old Pas.

00:44:38Marc:Yeah, I went to the H&M store to buy a jacket.

00:44:41Guest 7:Oh, did you buy it?

00:44:41Marc:Yeah, I bought it.

00:44:42Marc:I'm wearing it.

00:44:43Guest 7:Did you make it?

00:44:43Guest 7:You're wearing it?

00:44:44Marc:Yeah.

00:44:44Guest 7:That's a night jacket.

00:44:45Marc:Yeah, it's a good price.

00:44:46Guest 7:That's a night jacket.

00:44:46Marc:Thank you very much.

00:44:47Guest 7:Do you know what I prefer to watch instead of jackets?

00:44:50Guest 7:It's pajamas.

00:44:51Marc:You like pajamas?

00:44:52Guest 7:I love to wear pajamas.

00:44:53Marc:Is that why you're wearing them now?

00:44:54Guest 7:I'm currently wearing a pair of pajamas.

00:44:57Guest 7:My favorite, Los Dodgers.

00:44:58Marc:Yeah, the Dodgers pajamas.

00:45:00Guest 7:Los Dodgers!

00:45:00Marc:Help!

00:45:01Marc:Oh, do you do the little thing on the radio where it's like... What's that baseball thing?

00:45:07Guest 7:I love that you don't use machinery.

00:45:16Marc:No.

00:45:16Marc:How about your man... Oh, is that my phone?

00:45:20Guest 7:That's your phone.

00:45:21Guest 7:Do you have a phone?

00:45:21Guest 7:What a professional.

00:45:22Marc:Yeah.

00:45:23Guest 7:What a professional podcaster.

00:45:25Marc:Yeah, well, apparently I don't... Is it a caller?

00:45:27Guest 7:Oh, is it a text message?

00:45:28Marc:It is.

00:45:29Marc:It's a text message.

00:45:30Marc:It says, ask Chupacabre about his baby.

00:45:33Guest 7:Okay.

00:45:35Guest 7:I have about 15, 16 children por todo el mundo currently.

00:45:39Guest 7:We are starting a school.

00:45:41Guest 7:It's a charity school for my children.

00:45:44Guest 7:Yeah.

00:45:45Guest 7:It's a very school.

00:45:46Marc:It's just a school for your kids.

00:45:48Guest 7:It's a school for my children.

00:45:49Marc:But you're biological children.

00:45:51Guest 7:Yes, and Paul Rodriguez is doing a benefit concert for the school.

00:45:54Marc:How'd you get Paul Rodriguez?

00:45:56Guest 7:Because I'm all friends with him from a much long time ago.

00:46:01Guest 7:And now, also, he works for me.

00:46:04Guest 7:He's my sister.

00:46:06Marc:Do you know George Lopez?

00:46:08Marc:George Lopez gave me a ride home from the airport.

00:46:10Marc:Very nice guy.

00:46:11Guest 7:I like George Lopez.

00:46:12Guest 7:Yeah, do you like... You know who is funny?

00:46:13Marc:Who's funny?

00:46:14Guest 7:Messia.

00:46:15Marc:You like Messia?

00:46:16Marc:Because he talks about all the ethnic types.

00:46:19Guest 7:Because he talks about the... Because he is not politically correct.

00:46:23Marc:Yeah.

00:46:23Guest 7:He does not.

00:46:24Guest 7:If he starts... You don't have to be funny if you're not politically correct.

00:46:29Marc:That's right.

00:46:29Marc:I'm not sure I understood what you said.

00:46:31Marc:It doesn't have to be funny...

00:46:33Guest 7:If you are not politically correct, you do not have to be funny.

00:46:37Marc:Oh, so you like that.

00:46:38Guest 7:I like that.

00:46:39Marc:Yeah.

00:46:39Guest 7:He says how he thinks it is.

00:46:42Marc:Yeah.

00:46:43Marc:And that's good enough.

00:46:44Guest 7:It's great.

00:46:45Marc:Yeah.

00:46:45Marc:And now, do you have any other heroes, Latino heroes that we could see?

00:46:49Guest 7:My latter heroes, obviously, Edward James Olmos.

00:46:53Guest 7:Yeah.

00:46:55Guest 7:Morrissey.

00:46:56Guest 7:Yeah, of course.

00:46:57Guest 7:And let's see, Mazdez.

00:46:59Marc:How about Desi Arnaz?

00:47:01Guest 7:Desi Arnaz, you know, I never responded to the three-camera sitcom.

00:47:05Guest 7:You didn't?

00:47:06Marc:No.

00:47:06Guest 7:He was the inventor of this format.

00:47:08Marc:Now, what about Mexican television?

00:47:10Marc:I don't watch much of it.

00:47:11Guest 7:Oh, it's great.

00:47:12Marc:Yeah?

00:47:12Marc:Have you ever done any appearances on that?

00:47:14Guest 7:I have done.

00:47:14Guest 7:I did two seasons on El Gordo and El Blonde.

00:47:20Guest 7:Let's see.

00:47:20Guest 7:For three years, I was the anchor for what we use, like ABC News.

00:47:27Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:27Guest 7:I was the anchor.

00:47:29Marc:Now, did that have a co-anchor, I'm assuming?

00:47:30Guest 7:Yes, it was a chimpanzee.

00:47:35Guest 7:How did that go?

00:47:37Guest 7:It was great.

00:47:37Guest 7:It was a chupacabra and the news.

00:47:42Guest 7:And the news.

00:47:43Guest 7:And now the news.

00:47:45Guest 7:And let's see.

00:47:47Guest 7:I had a three-year sim where I hosted Singled Out.

00:47:50Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:47:51Marc:Sure, sure.

00:47:52Marc:After Chris Hardwick did.

00:47:53Guest 7:Yes, exactly.

00:47:54Guest 7:But in Mexico.

00:47:55Marc:Yeah, what was it called in Mexico?

00:47:56Guest 7:It was called You Have Been Singled Out as a Single Person and You Will Die Alone.

00:48:01Marc:It's a long title.

00:48:02Guest 7:It was a long title.

00:48:04Guest 7:It shortened to El Pau Jafauer.

00:48:09Guest 7:And that was a good show.

00:48:12Guest 7:That was a very good show.

00:48:13Marc:I thought it was a good show.

00:48:14Guest 7:And let's see.

00:48:17Guest 7:And then for three years, I hosted Scientific American.

00:48:20Marc:You did?

00:48:21Marc:Yes.

00:48:21Marc:With a chimpanzee.

00:48:22Guest 7:Yes.

00:48:22Guest 7:I was the voice.

00:48:23Guest 7:It was Alan Alda.

00:48:24Guest 7:Yeah.

00:48:25Guest 7:And I would do the voiceover for Alan Alda.

00:48:28Marc:Oh.

00:48:28Guest 7:I was the voice of MASH.

00:48:29Guest 7:Yeah.

00:48:30Marc:Yeah.

00:48:30Guest 7:When they changed all of MASH for Spanish, it was me.

00:48:35Marc:Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:48:37Guest 7:Yes.

00:48:38Guest 7:I am the voice of Alan Alda in all his movies and TV shows.

00:48:42Marc:Oh, can you do a little of that?

00:48:43Guest 7:Sure.

00:48:45Guest 7:Mira, this Korean, he's about to die.

00:48:49Marc:That was in English.

00:48:50Guest 7:Well, that's what Spanish is.

00:48:51Marc:Oh, okay.

00:48:52Marc:I don't know.

00:48:54Guest 7:Spanish is just English with an accent.

00:48:57Marc:Oh, okay.

00:48:57Marc:I didn't realize that.

00:49:00Guest 7:I did radar.

00:49:02Marc:Yeah, radar.

00:49:03Marc:Radar.

00:49:03Marc:Yeah, how'd that?

00:49:04Guest 7:Radar was, I just saw you nerd.

00:49:07Marc:Yeah.

00:49:08Guest 7:That was his lines.

00:49:09Marc:Yeah.

00:49:09Guest 7:And then there was the boy who dressed like a girl.

00:49:12Marc:Yeah.

00:49:12Guest 7:Oh, please let me out the army.

00:49:14Marc:Yeah.

00:49:15Marc:That's very good.

00:49:15Marc:Clinger.

00:49:16Marc:That was Clinger.

00:49:16Marc:Clinger.

00:49:17Marc:Yeah.

00:49:17Marc:I bet you people pick that off right away.

00:49:19Marc:Always.

00:49:19Guest 7:They know right away.

00:49:20Marc:Okay, so now what have you got coming up?

00:49:22Marc:You got any big shows?

00:49:23Marc:Oh, let's see.

00:49:24Guest 7:Yes, we're doing a prank of babies.

00:49:27Guest 7:We're doing a prank show.

00:49:28Guest 7:We call babies across the country.

00:49:30Marc:Yeah.

00:49:30Guest 7:And we're going to do that for December, January, and February.

00:49:34Marc:Okay.

00:49:34Marc:And what do you do?

00:49:35Marc:You prank babies?

00:49:36Marc:We prank babies.

00:49:37Marc:What is that sort of world?

00:49:38Guest 7:We call homes where babies are.

00:49:39Guest 7:We ask to speak with them on the phone, and then we ask some very complicated questions that they cannot know the answers to.

00:49:44Marc:Oh, that's hilarious.

00:49:45Guest 7:I have a clip from that.

00:49:46Marc:Yeah, can we?

00:49:47Marc:Hold on.

00:49:47Marc:Let me run it.

00:49:48Marc:Okay, let's run the clip.

00:49:49Guest 7:Okay.

00:49:50Guest 7:Hey, vamos.

00:49:51Guest 7:Let's call those babies.

00:49:52Guest 7:Okay?

00:49:53Guest 7:Okay, that's so great.

00:49:54Guest 7:Let's call those babies.

00:49:55Guest 7:Okay.

00:49:56Guest 7:All right.

00:49:57Guest 7:Ring, ring.

00:49:58Guest 7:Ring, ring.

00:49:59Marc:That's it.

00:50:00Marc:That's it.

00:50:00Marc:That's he's making the phone noise.

00:50:01Guest 5:Shh, shh, shh.

00:50:02Guest 5:Hola.

00:50:03Guest 5:Hola.

00:50:04Guest 6:Hey, is this a baby?

00:50:06Guest 5:Si, just saying, baby.

00:50:08Guest 6:Hey, baby.

00:50:09Guest 6:Hey, your oven is on.

00:50:11Guest 6:Turn it off or you will blow up.

00:50:14Guest 6:Baby, learn how to walk and get out of your home and run away because your oven is about to explode.

00:50:24Guest 6:Okay, we know you're a baby.

00:50:27Guest 7:Is that the clip?

00:50:29Guest 7:And that was one of the clips.

00:50:30Guest 7:That's a great clip.

00:50:31Guest 7:It's a great show.

00:50:32Marc:Yeah.

00:50:32Marc:Very popular.

00:50:33Marc:And aren't you doing, I think I read that you're doing a remote at a car dealership?

00:50:37Guest 7:Yes.

00:50:38Guest 7:We're going to a car dealership.

00:50:40Guest 7:It's for the cats for clunkers.

00:50:43Marc:Yeah.

00:50:44Guest 7:So we go in and we trade one of your cats for a car.

00:50:47Marc:El gatos.

00:50:48Guest 7:El gatos por los clunkers.

00:50:49Guest 7:Cloqueros.

00:50:50Marc:Okay, so I'm going to have to give you a cat when we're done?

00:50:52Guest 7:Yes, but you will end up with a Mazda Miata.

00:50:55Marc:Oh, well, that seems like a good trade.

00:50:57Marc:That's a nice car to drive.

00:50:59Marc:A Miata?

00:50:59Guest 7:That's a good, sexy car.

00:51:01Marc:They still make those?

00:51:02Marc:Yes.

00:51:03Marc:Oh.

00:51:03Guest 7:Yes, well, it's a Hyundai, but we put the Miata symbol on the back.

00:51:07Marc:Oh, okay, so that's how that works.

00:51:09Guest 7:That's how it works.

00:51:10Marc:So I'm saying, so what car dealership is this?

00:51:13Guest 7:It's a car dealership my friend Enrique has it.

00:51:16Guest 7:Should we just quickly do a traffic report before I go?

00:51:20Marc:Do you know what the traffic is?

00:51:21Guest 7:Yes, we're going to Enrique in the sky.

00:51:24Marc:Are we going to him now?

00:51:25Marc:Yes.

00:51:25Marc:Okay, so we're going to go to Enrique in the sky.

00:51:28Guest 7:Hola.

00:51:30Guest 7:Soy Enrique in the sky.

00:51:31Marc:Hello, Enrique.

00:51:32Marc:What's it look like out there?

00:51:33Guest 7:Hay mucho trafico.

00:51:35Marc:Yeah, where exactly?

00:51:37Guest 7:Okay, that was the traffic report.

00:51:39Guest 7:There's a lot of traffic.

00:51:40Guest 7:That's the report from Enrique.

00:51:43Guest 7:And that will cost extra, too, before the helicopter.

00:51:47Marc:Okay.

00:51:48Marc:This is costing me a lot already.

00:51:49Marc:I'm out of pocket on this.

00:51:50Marc:You're out of pocket.

00:51:51Marc:Do you want to do a... Don't be so Jewish.

00:51:54Marc:Oh, there it comes again.

00:51:55Marc:There it was.

00:51:56Marc:Should we do a quick commercial?

00:51:57Guest 7:I got the commercial.

00:51:58Marc:Okay, hold on.

00:51:59Marc:Okay, we'll be right back after this break.

00:52:02Guest 7:Hello.

00:52:04Guest 7:My name is Tom Hanks.

00:52:07Guest 7:And I watch the Mark Maron podcast every day in between doing Forrest Gump, watching Tom Hanks, me, Tom Hanks, and the Mark Maron podcast.

00:52:23Guest 7:WTF.

00:52:26Guest 7:Are we back?

00:52:26Guest 7:We're back.

00:52:29Marc:Well, I've got to say, Chupacabra, you know, it's great to talk to another radio professional.

00:52:34Guest 7:Oh, so great.

00:52:35Marc:And I appreciate you coming by.

00:52:36Marc:Thank you for having me.

00:52:37Marc:Yeah, do you need a ride anywhere?

00:52:39Guest 7:No, no, no, no.

00:52:40Guest 7:I have at least three men on bicycles with radios on them, and they carry me on like an emperor.

00:52:46Marc:Very good.

00:52:46Marc:So I'm sorry we can't get film of that, but Chupacabra, it's been great talking to you.

00:52:50Guest 7:Great talk to you, my madam.

00:52:52Marc:Adios.

00:52:53Guest 5:Cha-cha!

00:52:53Marc:Okay, folks, that's our show.

00:53:01Marc:I hope you enjoyed it.

00:53:01Marc:I hope you got a kick out of Chupacabra.

00:53:03Marc:What a pro.

00:53:04Marc:And I hope you enjoyed Jen Kirkman.

00:53:06Marc:It was always great to talk to her.

00:53:07Marc:I love her.

00:53:08Marc:and I am still sitting in my mother's car.

00:53:11Marc:I've not made a decision yet.

00:53:13Marc:I'm getting closer to making a decision.

00:53:15Marc:I want to say I really appreciate you people listening, and I really love doing this show.

00:53:19Marc:You can go to wtfpod.com, get on the mailing list, get a link to justcoffee.coop.

00:53:27Marc:I'm sorry I didn't pow today, but I'm in the car, and I was going to fake it for you, but that coffee is still available if you put WTF in the

00:53:35Marc:In the box, you'll get a 10% discount.

00:53:38Marc:I'd like to thank punchlinemagazine.com.

00:53:41Marc:Please go there.

00:53:42Marc:It is the most up-to-date, most thorough comedy website and online magazine that you can really ask for.

00:53:49Marc:And please sign up for the mailing list, and if you want to donate one way or the other, do that.

00:53:54Marc:But above all else, take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to say what the fuck in any form during your day.

00:54:02Marc:It lights people up.

00:54:03Marc:It just does.

00:54:05Thank you.