Episode 250 - Frank Santorelli, Tony V, Jimmy Tingle, Mike Donovan, Kenny Rogerson

Episode 250 • Released February 1, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:13Marc:Somebody give.

00:00:14Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:22Guest:Alright, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuck nicks, what the fucking ears.

00:00:28Pow!

00:00:28Guest:What the fuck in Boston?

00:00:31Guest:Thank you for coming out to live WTF.

00:00:39Marc:I'm thrilled to be here.

00:00:40Marc:I don't even know how to react.

00:00:44Marc:Boston, you don't know what the fuck happened to me in this town.

00:00:48Marc:I mean, think about it.

00:00:49Marc:I couldn't understand why I was nervous to come to Boston.

00:00:52Marc:It's because I spent five years in fucking college here, and I started doing comedy here, so the worst memories of my life are in this town.

00:01:01Marc:I went through every fucking identity change.

00:01:04Marc:I threw up all over this city.

00:01:07Marc:I got crabs here.

00:01:12Marc:I started doing comedy all over the fucking, in New England, the way we started, I don't know how many of these stories I told, but I have some great guys on the show tonight.

00:01:20Marc:These guys are guys that when I started were like the dudes and I respect all of them.

00:01:25Marc:We got Kenny Rogers in here tonight.

00:01:27Marc:We got Mike Donovan.

00:01:28Marc:We got Jimmy Tingle.

00:01:29Marc:We got Frank Santarelli, Tony V.

00:01:34Marc:But I don't know if you know what it was like to, when you started doing comedy around here, basically what you would do is you'd get about 25 minutes of material, and then you'd get booked through an agency, and they'd give you a map and $75, and you'd travel anywhere from 25 to 500 fucking miles in your car to do a two-man show and open for one of these guys.

00:01:54Marc:That's how I started doing comedy.

00:01:55Marc:I drove to Machias, Maine.

00:01:56Marc:Do you know where Machias, Maine is?

00:01:59Yeah.

00:02:00Marc:Machias, Maine is the furthest point east in the United States.

00:02:05Marc:It's like nine fucking hours through inbred land.

00:02:09Marc:I swear to God, I'm not making a joke.

00:02:11Marc:I stopped to fill my car up outside of Machias.

00:02:13Marc:The guy who ran the station had flippers.

00:02:16Marc:He had flippers.

00:02:17Marc:I'm not making fun.

00:02:18Marc:It was just one of those moments where you're like, well, the gene pool's a little tight up here.

00:02:25Marc:I drove up there.

00:02:26Marc:It was nine hours for probably $100 to open for Frank Santos, the X-rated hypnotist.

00:02:36Marc:And the last thing they wanted to see at Machias at that university was some angry neurotic Jew.

00:02:40Marc:They were just, bring out the fat guy that's going to make our chick take her shirt off.

00:02:49Marc:That's how we started in this area, man.

00:02:52Marc:I was just telling, I don't even know if I told this story on the show before.

00:02:55Marc:I got to tell it again because it was one of these early stories.

00:02:57Marc:I think that's going to be the theme in this evening to some degree.

00:03:01Marc:There was this dude named Bob Bachelador.

00:03:04Marc:Now, I don't want to name, I don't think he'll give a shit if I talk about him.

00:03:07Marc:I don't even know where he is.

00:03:09Marc:All right, so this guy, his big closer, maybe you've heard this story, I can't remember.

00:03:14Marc:His big closer was he'd had signs, and they were basically, you know, the phonetic sound.

00:03:19Marc:He would spell out southern sayings, like, come here for a minute.

00:03:23Marc:So he would write on a sign, M-E-E-R-F-I-R-M-I-N-I-T.

00:03:27Marc:Mirror for a minute.

00:03:28Marc:And he'd hold the sign up, and people would go, what the fuck is that?

00:03:30Marc:And he'd go, mirror for a minute.

00:03:31Marc:Like, come here for a minute.

00:03:32Marc:That was a joke, right?

00:03:34Marc:So he...

00:03:36Marc:So he had about 10 of these fucking signs.

00:03:38Marc:This was his big closer.

00:03:40Marc:Now I'm driving two and a half hours.

00:03:41Marc:I got to drive this guy to the gig.

00:03:43Marc:I'm just starting out.

00:03:44Marc:I got about 25 minutes if I do everything.

00:03:47Marc:And that's how I used to do it.

00:03:48Marc:I drove him down to Connecticut.

00:03:50Marc:It was a bar.

00:03:51Marc:They had a car in the bar.

00:03:52Marc:It was like half a car.

00:03:53Marc:It was a DJ booth.

00:03:54Marc:It was ridiculous.

00:03:57Marc:The entire way down, Bob is in the car going, I don't know fucking how to get on Letterman.

00:04:01Marc:Why the fuck am I not on Letterman?

00:04:02Marc:I mean, this is bullshit.

00:04:03Marc:You think I want to do this fucking gig?

00:04:05Marc:This is ridiculous.

00:04:06Marc:For two fucking hours.

00:04:09Marc:So we get to the club.

00:04:10Marc:I bring up my paper, and I do everything I have.

00:04:12Marc:It's like 25 minutes, and I bring him up.

00:04:14Marc:There's nine people in the room, and I think one of them's in a wheelchair.

00:04:20Marc:It's just texture.

00:04:21Marc:It's not judgment.

00:04:27Marc:Now, I just want to paint the picture for you.

00:04:29Marc:There's half a car, nine people, guy in a wheelchair.

00:04:32Marc:That's to say.

00:04:33Marc:Then they're not sitting as an organized group.

00:04:37Marc:So I do everything I got.

00:04:39Marc:I bring Bob on and I go into the back to go to the bathroom.

00:04:41Marc:I go to the bathroom, I come out.

00:04:43Marc:It's literally three minutes in and he's yelling at the guy in a wheelchair.

00:04:46Marc:He's like, you think I want to be here?

00:04:48Marc:How do you get on fucking Letterman?

00:04:50Marc:I know how to get on fucking Letterman.

00:04:52Marc:And I'm like, holy shit, it's a tape that never stops with this guy.

00:04:55Marc:And literally someone else in the room is going, hey, you can't talk to that guy like that.

00:04:58Marc:And he's getting ugly.

00:04:59Marc:And I've never done this again.

00:05:00Marc:And I couldn't believe I did it this time because I don't know what I did.

00:05:03Marc:I just, out of nowhere, I get up on stage.

00:05:05Marc:I'm like, Bob, take it easy.

00:05:08Marc:Everyone just relax.

00:05:09Marc:There's not that many people here.

00:05:10Marc:Let's just start over from a different place.

00:05:15Marc:All right.

00:05:16Marc:In the back of my head, I'm thinking, I got to drive this asshole home.

00:05:20Marc:He's not an asshole.

00:05:20Marc:I don't mean to be whatever.

00:05:22Marc:So he sort of shuts up and I walk off stage and he's standing on the stage.

00:05:27Marc:What the fuck am I going to do now?

00:05:31Marc:I said, Bob, do the signs.

00:05:38Marc:And he looks at me for a minute.

00:05:39Marc:He's like, you think that'll work?

00:05:40Marc:I'm like, you got to do the sides, Bob.

00:05:43Marc:And there was nothing better to see an angry guy try to do his closer 10 minutes in.

00:05:47Guest:All right.

00:05:53Marc:It works.

00:05:54Marc:It was still an uncomfortable ride home.

00:05:57Marc:What else do I got?

00:05:57Marc:What was the other story I wanted to tell about Boston?

00:06:00Marc:Oh, shit.

00:06:00Marc:There was the Taunton Regency.

00:06:02Marc:There was... Really?

00:06:04Marc:Really?

00:06:06Marc:Are you just applauding Taunton or that hotel?

00:06:08Marc:That was the tiered gig.

00:06:12Marc:That was the gig in the conference room where you'd be at the bottom of this weird tiered office conference center.

00:06:17Marc:But that was one of the good gigs.

00:06:20Marc:There was another one where I showed up and they had a menu of the week.

00:06:23Marc:It said Monday, country western.

00:06:25Marc:Tuesday, disco.

00:06:26Marc:Wednesday, free food and comedy.

00:06:31Marc:Yeah.

00:06:33Marc:I remember working with Chance Langton on that gig.

00:06:37Marc:Oh, look at that little love for Chance Langton.

00:06:39Marc:That is wonderful.

00:06:40Marc:Franks and Franklin.

00:06:41Marc:That was a good one.

00:06:42Marc:Yeah, it was a Mexican restaurant owned by an alcoholic.

00:06:44Marc:That was awesome.

00:06:45Marc:Where he actually had the owner heckling the show.

00:06:51Marc:Poncho Villas in Lemonster.

00:06:53Marc:That was always uplifting.

00:06:55Marc:Really?

00:06:55Marc:Do you know that place?

00:06:57Marc:With the giant disco ball?

00:06:58Marc:There was like a disco ball the size of a car suspended from the ceiling, and there was a balcony, and you were like in the pit of death beneath the disco ball doing comedy.

00:07:08Marc:And that was a good gig.

00:07:11Marc:Wait, there's got to be another one.

00:07:13Marc:Bombing in front of an ice sculpture.

00:07:15Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:07:20Marc:That was a good one.

00:07:22Marc:I got a corporate gig when I was about five minutes into comedy and all my material was just about AIDS and anger.

00:07:31Marc:The whole theme of my show was like, fuck this AIDS thing, are we all going to get it?

00:07:35Marc:No one knew then.

00:07:38Marc:It was 81, we were afraid to eat stuff.

00:07:44Marc:But I remember I took this corporate gig because someone else canceled.

00:07:47Marc:I'm like, how bad could it be?

00:07:48Marc:And I get there, and there's just like, it's a giant ice sculpture, and there's two buffet lines, and these two horrible Jewish women were running it.

00:07:56Marc:And I say that as a Jew, because I understand that.

00:08:00Marc:Like, I walk in, they're like, you're the comic?

00:08:02Marc:I'm like, yeah.

00:08:03Marc:And the other one's like, do you know, do you do material about sports?

00:08:06Marc:They love sports.

00:08:07Marc:And I'm like, no.

00:08:09No.

00:08:12Marc:So I get up there at this well-dressed corporate gig.

00:08:14Marc:People were at the buffets in their suits and ties, and I'm standing in front of an ice sculpture going, fucking AIDS, am I right?

00:08:20Marc:That was the quietest witness of a meal I'd ever experienced.

00:08:29Marc:It was just me yelling watching disappointed people eat.

00:08:31Marc:All right.

00:08:36Marc:All right, let's read a couple emails to get the show going.

00:08:39Marc:I, uh...

00:08:42Marc:Some guy brought me this shit.

00:08:44Marc:I'm not, look.

00:08:46Marc:This is a, he called it a turducken of desserts.

00:08:50Marc:This is an Oreo wrapped in chocolate chip cookie dough baked in a fucking brownie.

00:09:02Marc:I just took a bite for those people listening and within seconds of self-hatred has commenced.

00:09:11Marc:The tricky part about what I'm doing right now, if I were a magician, I would announce this trick as, watch me try not to swallow my nicotine lozenge and eat the brownie.

00:09:25Guest:Ta-da!

00:09:32Marc:I always do a couple of emails from you people, the lovely what the fuckers.

00:09:37Marc:Subject line, my girlfriend says I'm full of hate.

00:09:41Marc:I'm in.

00:09:44Marc:Hey, Mark, I'm a big fan.

00:09:45Marc:I've listened to most of your episodes as an aspiring comedy writer and secretly aspiring stand-up.

00:09:49Marc:Translate, I don't do anything.

00:09:56Marc:But tell my girlfriend I'm going to do those things in between making her cry.

00:10:00Marc:All right, maybe I'm reading into it.

00:10:04Marc:I really love the show.

00:10:05Marc:So this morning after a brief railing against the Kardashians calling Dr. Drew the biggest whore on television and saying the movie The Descendants was made by Alexander Payne and George Clooney jerking off and mixing their semen together, my girlfriend said that I'm full of hate.

00:10:23Marc:And I think I don't quite realize it because to me I'm being funny and introspective.

00:10:29Marc:The word introspective is probably a stretch in my being self-indulgent.

00:10:33Marc:Yeah, you might want to add not funny.

00:10:39Marc:Needless to say, I see a lot of myself in you.

00:10:41Marc:And no offense, none taken.

00:10:47Marc:I really don't want to be bitter and pissed off the rest of my life despite thinking I'm seeing the world in a truer way than most.

00:10:56Marc:Oh, you're making me cry a little.

00:10:58Marc:So I'm asking for any kind of advice or words of enlightenment to help me find some happiness faster than it took you.

00:11:04Marc:I fully believe I am as full of shit as the rest of the world.

00:11:15Marc:Now we're just spiraling into some pity hole.

00:11:18Marc:I don't even totally know what I'm asking here.

00:11:21Marc:I do.

00:11:21Marc:You're asking me to like you.

00:11:26Marc:I guess I just want to get a response from you or mentioned on the air to validate my neurosis is similar to the comedic people I look up to.

00:11:33Marc:Difference being, we do comedy.

00:11:35Marc:Thanks for putting yourself out there and forcing other comics to do the same, Andrew.

00:11:41Marc:All right, Andrew, if I could, not that I'm a professional, but I would say stop yelling at your girlfriend and get on stage so you can fail and have your ass handed to you and then decide whether or not we're still on the same page.

00:11:54Marc:I, um...

00:11:58Marc:He's probably a good guy.

00:11:59Marc:He's got a lot of problems.

00:12:03Marc:Subject line, microbes.

00:12:05Marc:Great.

00:12:07Marc:I think this is in relation to discussing being on a plane with a flight attendant that said, I was sick yesterday, but I had to come to work.

00:12:13Marc:And I'm like, fuck.

00:12:14Marc:All right, well, thanks for doing that.

00:12:16Marc:Now we're just flying in a Petri dish of your fucking viral disaster.

00:12:22Marc:So this guy, hola, Mark.

00:12:24Marc:Just heard you discuss your dislike for microbes.

00:12:31Marc:Like, that's an odd thing?

00:12:32Marc:Like, oh, my mistake.

00:12:34Marc:My mistake.

00:12:35Marc:I must be in the minority of people who dislike microbes.

00:12:39Marc:And I thought as an... How do you say it?

00:12:42Marc:Acherologist?

00:12:44Marc:Anyone?

00:12:45Marc:Okay, great.

00:12:46Marc:Smart crowd.

00:12:48Marc:A-C-A-R-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.

00:12:53Marc:Acherologist.

00:12:54Marc:I guess a microbe guy.

00:12:55Okay.

00:12:56Marc:I would take it to the next level.

00:12:58Marc:Alright, fine.

00:12:59Marc:At least 50% of the world's population, a serious conservative estimate, has two species of mites living on their face.

00:13:09Marc:Aren't you glad you came tonight?

00:13:11Marc:One species, Demodex brevis, lives in the sebaceous oil glands on your face, and the other species, Demodex follicle, lives in the hair follicles of your brow.

00:13:23Marc:These mites are harmless.

00:13:24Marc:They do not cause any disease.

00:13:26Marc:They are feeding and reproducing on your face without any harm to your person.

00:13:31Marc:I just thought that you would like to know that you are never truly alone in

00:13:40Marc:Your mites will always be there with you.

00:13:44Marc:Wayne.

00:13:46Marc:What a gift he's given all of us.

00:13:50Marc:Subject line, a little help from a friend.

00:13:52Marc:Love the podcast.

00:13:53Marc:Here we go.

00:13:55Marc:You have a speech slash grammar tick that very few people would pick up, but I thought you might like to know about it.

00:14:05Marc:Oh yeah, I was really hoping for this email.

00:14:08Marc:You used the word aggravate as a synonym for irritate or annoy.

00:14:12Marc:It isn't.

00:14:16Marc:Aggravate means to make worse.

00:14:19Marc:Yes, he just did that to this show.

00:14:21Marc:This guy aggravated this.

00:14:25Marc:Fuck that.

00:14:27Marc:When someone annoys you, they're making it all worse, am I right?

00:14:30Marc:Right, so you're aggravating me, and I'm supposed to say you're annoying me?

00:14:33Marc:No, because annoying, it's like you're taking away from my life with your bullshit.

00:14:39Marc:You're making it bad.

00:14:41Marc:Aggravate.

00:14:42Marc:Fuck this guy.

00:14:47Marc:All right, just a couple more, then we'll bring out.

00:14:49Marc:Are we doing good?

00:14:49Marc:Yeah.

00:14:51Marc:Why I can't attend your show tonight even though I bought three tickets?

00:14:56Marc:Mark, I've been a fan of your show for over a year and haven't missed an episode since I started listening.

00:15:00Marc:Some of the exchanges you've had with various guests have profoundly changed me, and I wouldn't be in such a good place now if it weren't for you.

00:15:06Marc:That's very sweet.

00:15:07Marc:I found out you were going to be playing at the Wilbur a long time ago and got tickets the minute they came out.

00:15:11Marc:And about a day later, I met one of the greatest girls on the planet.

00:15:14Marc:Petite, sexy, outgoing, funny.

00:15:17Marc:Pretty much the whole deal.

00:15:20Marc:All right?

00:15:21Marc:Since I forgot to put your show on my calendar, I promised her I'd meet her family that same weekend.

00:15:25All right.

00:15:28Marc:Trust me, I've been through every scenario in my head, and for some reason, I don't think, quote, but honey, you have to stay so we can watch the sad man shout.

00:15:42Marc:Unquote.

00:15:43Marc:We'll cut it.

00:15:44Marc:I gave your tickets to my friends and hope they go in my stead, but if there are a few empty seats near the front row, don't take it personally.

00:15:51Marc:Like I said, love the show.

00:15:52Marc:Where's the guys?

00:15:53Marc:Right there?

00:15:53Marc:This is your, oh, that fucking, that's empty right there.

00:15:58Marc:I hope it's worth it, man, because I know he's going to be listening.

00:16:02Marc:You know what, buddy?

00:16:03Marc:You left an empty table right up front, so I'm just going to say this because I know you're listening alone.

00:16:08Marc:Maybe she's there, but I hope it didn't go so well with the parents.

00:16:13Marc:And that the entire time you were up there, you were thinking, oh, this is bullshit.

00:16:17Marc:Why the fuck didn't I go see Maren?

00:16:20Marc:And by the time this is posted, maybe at least three of the fucking adjectives you used to describe her have sort of faded.

00:16:30Marc:I'm kidding man, good luck with your new relationship.

00:16:34Marc:I don't know, do we have time for this?

00:16:35Marc:Sometimes I get email from Mark Maroney.

00:16:37Marc:How to care for my macaw, question mark.

00:16:47Marc:Hi Mark, I love your show and record them all.

00:16:49Marc:I'm watching my sister's macaw and I wanted to know what he can eat and not eat.

00:16:56Marc:Oh, you can feed him anything.

00:16:59Marc:Those fucking birds will eat anything.

00:17:01Marc:Chocolate chips, buttons.

00:17:09Marc:They like wine corks.

00:17:14Marc:He had been left alone for a couple of months, so he is loving all the attention I am giving him.

00:17:17Marc:He seems to have lost weight because of loneliness.

00:17:20Marc:Where are you at with that?

00:17:22Marc:Um...

00:17:26Marc:Sorry.

00:17:28Marc:I like being mean sometimes.

00:17:30Marc:And I want to get him back to a healthy state.

00:17:32Marc:He always had food, but just seems like he has lost weight since the last time I saw him.

00:17:35Marc:I really love him and wish that she would let me keep him, but I don't figure she will.

00:17:42Marc:His feathers really look bad, so I did as you said on your show and sprayed him with a light, warm mist.

00:17:49Marc:How often can I do this?

00:17:52Marc:I'm going to get some vitamins for his water and some more food for him.

00:17:55Marc:I've been giving him fruits and bread because he loves them.

00:17:59Marc:What type of nuts can I feed him?

00:18:03Marc:I have looked on the net for information but have not found any.

00:18:11Marc:Okay.

00:18:12Marc:I can't.

00:18:13Marc:It's enough.

00:18:15Marc:All right, last one.

00:18:16Marc:Party to the crime.

00:18:19Marc:Dear Mark, you and your podcast have played a supporting role in a recent breakup.

00:18:23Marc:A couple of months ago, I met a truly awesome girl.

00:18:25Marc:Relationship-wise, she was my next big thing.

00:18:27Marc:Instant chemistry, tons of common interests.

00:18:29Marc:She was the one who introduced me to your podcast.

00:18:32Marc:Fucking smart girl.

00:18:34Marc:Then all of a sudden she said things were moving too fast and that she didn't want to see me anymore.

00:18:38Marc:I still don't really understand what happened, but such is life.

00:18:41Marc:Ready for your part?

00:18:42Marc:As a holiday gift, I gave her two tickets to see the live WTF in Boston.

00:18:46Marc:A week or two after, she ended things.

00:18:48Marc:We met for coffee.

00:18:49Marc:I'd hoped we would patch things up, but she stood her ground.

00:18:51Marc:Then as a parting shot, she returned the tickets.

00:18:54Wow.

00:18:55Marc:The whole thing bums me out immensely, but at least it led me to discover your show.

00:18:59Marc:So it wasn't all bad.

00:19:00Marc:Oh, and if you read this aloud during the live WTF, I'll be in the mezzanine with my friend Ryan.

00:19:07Marc:We're both single, attractive, and standing up right now.

00:19:15Marc:So ladies, take note.

00:19:19Marc:Sincerely, Jordan.

00:19:23Marc:Nicely played, Jordan.

00:19:26Marc:Nicely played.

00:19:28Marc:Yeah, I don't know how you're going to make that work for you.

00:19:30Marc:You're going to stand by the front door after the show and be like, I'm the guy.

00:19:33Marc:The guy from, yeah.

00:19:35Marc:Nothing?

00:19:35Marc:No, I'm the guy.

00:19:36Marc:Hi.

00:19:36Marc:Hey, I'm the guy from the, nothing?

00:19:38Marc:Okay.

00:19:40Marc:Hey, did you hear the thing you read on stage?

00:19:42Marc:I'm the guy.

00:19:42Marc:This is my friend.

00:19:43Marc:Anything?

00:19:44Marc:Nothing?

00:19:44Marc:All right.

00:19:48Marc:All right, let's start the show.

00:19:50Marc:It's a fucking... We already started this show.

00:19:53Marc:I got my nicotine lozenges.

00:19:54Marc:We got chocolate.

00:19:55Marc:We got this shit.

00:19:56Marc:It's good, man.

00:19:57Marc:It's good.

00:19:58Marc:All right?

00:19:58Marc:It's just like... It's going to end up with me alone in a hotel room.

00:20:01Marc:It's fucking horrendous.

00:20:03Marc:That's where I'll be later tonight.

00:20:05Marc:12.30.

00:20:06Marc:Call my girlfriend.

00:20:07Marc:She'll say goodnight.

00:20:08Marc:And I'll sit there and eat these fucking brownies.

00:20:12Marc:And jerk off and think I won something.

00:20:14Okay?

00:20:18Marc:I'm so aware when I'm doing that that this is what I get.

00:20:21Marc:This is the big payoff.

00:20:23Marc:This is not sad masturbating.

00:20:28Marc:Look, I got everything I need.

00:20:29Marc:I got brownies.

00:20:30Marc:I got my cock.

00:20:31Marc:I got a nice hotel room.

00:20:33Marc:I'm in fucking Boston.

00:20:36Guest:Mac!

00:20:37Guest:Mac!

00:20:40Guest:Mac!

00:20:44Guest:Fucking love you, Mac!

00:20:47Mac!

00:20:50Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, one of my heroes, the funniest guy in the world.

00:20:55Marc:You might have seen him on Rescue Me or some other things that you probably don't remember.

00:20:58Marc:Please welcome the Viper, Kenny Rogerson to this day.

00:21:11Marc:Look at that.

00:21:13Marc:Let's have at it.

00:21:14Marc:Yeah, Kenny Rogerson.

00:21:15Marc:Is that your water?

00:21:16Marc:Yeah, wait, do I take yours?

00:21:17Guest:I don't know.

00:21:18Guest:All right.

00:21:19Marc:Checkmate.

00:21:19Marc:I won.

00:21:22Marc:Okay.

00:21:23Marc:How have you been?

00:21:24Marc:I'm fine, man.

00:21:25Marc:How have you been?

00:21:26Marc:I haven't seen you.

00:21:26Marc:I'm still alive.

00:21:27Marc:Yeah.

00:21:28Marc:This is a miracle.

00:21:29Marc:This guy.

00:21:30Marc:This fucking guy, look, I'm just going to tell this story.

00:21:32Marc:When I first started doing open mics when I was still in college before I quit comedy after three months and decided to wait until I graduated, you hosted an open mic on Thursday nights, and it was beautiful.

00:21:42Marc:Because it would start as a full room, and then Kenny would start drinking.

00:21:46Marc:All right?

00:21:47Marc:Oh, I started long before the show.

00:21:49Marc:Right, two days before he started drinking and doing blow.

00:21:51Marc:On Monday, Kenny started.

00:21:53Marc:And then by about mid-show, half the crowd had left, not because of him, just because it's open mic, and how much of that shit can you take?

00:21:59Marc:I'm always number 13 on the list, and I don't want to make you feel bad, but there was one night you got so fucked up.

00:22:04Marc:I don't remember it.

00:22:04Marc:You can't make me feel bad.

00:22:06Marc:You got so fucked up, you started throwing chairs.

00:22:11Marc:Start throwing chairs on the stage, and then I'm the last guy on, and I'm waiting to go on for nobody, and you throw in chairs, and you close the fucking show.

00:22:20Marc:And I said, Kenny, I was supposed to go on.

00:22:24Marc:He's like, oh, fuck.

00:22:25Marc:It wasn't any good.

00:22:26Marc:You know, no one can follow the chair a bit.

00:22:30Marc:That was my signature piece.

00:22:33Marc:That and pulling the fire alarm.

00:22:36Marc:Because sometimes I needed to do a line of blow when things were dragging.

00:22:41Marc:Might as well clear the building for that.

00:22:42Marc:Clear the building.

00:22:43Marc:If I'm doing blow, just get everybody the fuck out of here.

00:22:47Marc:There'll be no more show unless it's me talking.

00:22:50Marc:Didn't you live with, like, I had heard stories about you when I started.

00:22:54Marc:Where'd you come from?

00:22:54Marc:Chicago?

00:22:55Marc:I started in Chicago.

00:22:56Marc:Yeah.

00:22:57Marc:With Emo Phillips.

00:22:58Marc:Really?

00:22:59Guest:Yeah.

00:22:59Marc:Was he always Emo Phillips?

00:23:00Marc:Yeah.

00:23:01Marc:No, he's had about 90 different names.

00:23:03Guest:Really?

00:23:03Marc:I won't tell you his real name, but yeah, yeah.

00:23:05Marc:And what was he doing then, though?

00:23:06Marc:He was doing the same.

00:23:07Marc:He's a genius writer.

00:23:08Marc:He's just a strange cat, but a genius.

00:23:10Marc:A genius, like crazy genius.

00:23:14Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:23:14Marc:Like he said, oh, you know, he invented some sort of new kind of bomb.

00:23:17Marc:You go, oh, yeah, I figured he could do that.

00:23:19Marc:Good joke writer as well.

00:23:21Marc:Did you know when you left Chicago and you came here, why?

00:23:24Marc:I came here because I ran into a guy named Barry Crimmins.

00:23:27Marc:Yeah.

00:23:27Marc:Oh, by the way, Barry, he had a detached retina.

00:23:30Marc:He couldn't make it tonight.

00:23:31Marc:That's not a joke.

00:23:34Marc:No, he got a branch caught in his eye in the woods in upstate New York.

00:23:38Marc:I don't know why.

00:23:40Marc:I'm sorry, but it's just such a crimson thing to happen.

00:23:43Marc:My dog was chasing down deer, and I had to go after him.

00:23:49Marc:But he was going to actually try and drive, and I said, you know, if you get like, it's a seven-hour drive.

00:23:53Marc:He looks like Ted Kaczynski way out in the woods.

00:23:56Marc:And I said, if you start driving and your eyes start throbbing, then you're stuck.

00:24:02Marc:He's like, yeah, you're right.

00:24:03Marc:So I ran into him at a place called Zaney's in Chicago where I started.

00:24:07Marc:And he comes up to me, yeah, really?

00:24:08Marc:From Zaney's?

00:24:13Marc:I thought it was something I knew of.

00:24:16Marc:Then I realized, no.

00:24:18Marc:He had no support.

00:24:19Marc:And he said to me, you ought to come to Boston, we'll pay you money to do this.

00:24:23Marc:And I said to somebody there, I said, I'm going to Boston.

00:24:27Marc:They said, you're going to Boston?

00:24:28Marc:I go, yeah, have you been there?

00:24:29Marc:They go, yeah, you're never going to come back to Chicago.

00:24:31Marc:And I said, why not?

00:24:32Marc:I said, well, they said, because everybody, you know how you like to drink?

00:24:35Marc:I go, yeah.

00:24:35Marc:He goes, everybody in Boston drinks just like you.

00:24:38Marc:And I thought, oh, that's not fucking possible.

00:24:42Marc:It's not possible.

00:24:44Marc:And then I got here and ran into the likes of, you know, Sweeney and Gavin and Krimmage and Tony V. You know, many people that will be on this day.

00:24:51Marc:Yeah.

00:24:52Marc:Yeah.

00:24:52Marc:And they all drank just like I did.

00:24:55Marc:And I thought, wow, I was a king elsewhere.

00:24:57Marc:Yeah.

00:24:58Marc:Now you're just a pauper.

00:25:00Marc:I'm just one of the mill alcoholics in this town.

00:25:02Yeah.

00:25:02Marc:But didn't you live in a house with Meany and all those fucking guys?

00:25:05Marc:I lived in a house with Meany in Newtonville for years, but I lived in the barracks with Lenny.

00:25:11Marc:Well, everyone had a key.

00:25:11Marc:Lenny Clark and his brother Mike and Marty Olsen, who was a writer now.

00:25:16Marc:But yeah, every comic in the city had a key to this place.

00:25:19Marc:God, don't you fucking love those houses?

00:25:20Marc:Tony V, who will be out later, used to work for Balloons Over Boston and brought us a tank of helium.

00:25:25Yeah.

00:25:27Marc:Which can I, and I don't advocate any of this shit because I'm straight for many years now, but if you don't have toast, helium will fill right in for that hunger pangs if you snort enough of it.

00:25:39Marc:You will not be hungry after a could couple 30, 40 seconds of helium.

00:25:43Marc:The thought of food leaves you.

00:25:46Marc:But do you get high from helium?

00:25:47Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:25:48Marc:You've got to be careful because you can black out from it.

00:25:50Marc:But not nitrous, helium.

00:25:52Marc:No, helium, not nitrous.

00:25:53Marc:No, nitrous is a whole different animal.

00:25:55Marc:I know, but do you fucking get high from not breathing because you're cracking up so much at how you're talking?

00:26:02Marc:Yeah, you know, it constricts your lungs.

00:26:03Marc:Your vessels in your lungs.

00:26:04Marc:It almost kills you.

00:26:05Guest:It's good.

00:26:06Marc:It was free fucking helium.

00:26:07Marc:What am I going to say?

00:26:08Marc:No?

00:26:10No.

00:26:12Marc:You know, there are people in other countries who would kill for healing me in their fucking living room.

00:26:16Marc:And I had it.

00:26:16Marc:I wasn't going to waste it.

00:26:18Marc:Just selfish.

00:26:21Marc:So that's how we started our morning.

00:26:23Guest:Good morning.

00:26:27Marc:You wonder why you never heard of me.

00:26:32Marc:Well, what happened?

00:26:33Marc:What happened?

00:26:38Marc:Let's go through that.

00:26:42Marc:Which time?

00:26:43Marc:Which time?

00:26:43Marc:What happened?

00:26:44Marc:Were you there?

00:26:45Marc:Yeah, I was there for part of it.

00:26:47Marc:Yeah, well, you got out.

00:26:49Marc:I just kept going.

00:26:50Marc:A lot of people moved on.

00:26:51Marc:I went, well, there's blow here.

00:26:54Marc:And booze.

00:26:55Marc:Why would I leave this town?

00:26:58Marc:What was one of the highlights?

00:27:00Marc:Let's share a drug highlight.

00:27:01Marc:Can I tell you something, and I mean this sincerely, there were no real drug highlights.

00:27:06Marc:They all ended ugly for me.

00:27:07Marc:Yeah.

00:27:08Marc:Because I wasn't the guy that went to bed.

00:27:10Marc:I was the guy that, like, I remember one time with being a friend of mine, there was a big pile of blow, and he goes, him and this girlfriend, we're going to bed.

00:27:16Marc:I go, well, you realize when you get up, this fucking shit will not be here.

00:27:19Marc:I said, it will be gone.

00:27:22Marc:And it was Gavin, actually.

00:27:23Marc:And I got up, and he goes, where's my coffee table?

00:27:26Marc:I go, I needed firewood.

00:27:28LAUGHTER

00:27:33Marc:I mean, really, you leave a guy alone with an eight ball and no one to talk to.

00:27:36Marc:You got to do shit to occupy those fucking 12 hours before you run out of blow and call the guy.

00:27:48Marc:Call the guy.

00:27:49Marc:He's up.

00:27:50Marc:Yeah, coke dealers.

00:27:51Marc:I remember one time in Vegas.

00:27:53Marc:Yeah.

00:27:53Marc:I call this guy.

00:27:54Marc:He's on the next floor down.

00:27:55Marc:Whatever the hotel was.

00:27:57Marc:I'm coming down to get an eight ball.

00:27:58Marc:No, it's too late to go.

00:27:59Marc:What the fuck?

00:28:00Marc:You're a coke dealer.

00:28:02Marc:Call me tomorrow.

00:28:03Marc:I go, it is tomorrow.

00:28:06Marc:4 a.m.

00:28:06Marc:is tomorrow, motherfucker.

00:28:07Marc:Get the fuck up.

00:28:09Marc:No, no.

00:28:10Marc:I said, just get up.

00:28:11Marc:You're going to make 300 bucks for five seconds.

00:28:13Marc:So I went down to his room.

00:28:14Marc:I just started knocking on the door.

00:28:17Marc:I said, sooner or later, security will show up to find out why I'm fucking knocking on this door at 4 a.m.

00:28:23Marc:Then we're going to have to explain why I'm here.

00:28:25Marc:And the door opened.

00:28:26Marc:An arm came out and an eight ball fell.

00:28:27Marc:The door is closed.

00:28:28Marc:I went, could have done that an hour ago, you asshole.

00:28:32Marc:They really thought I'd go away.

00:28:34Marc:That was their main mistake.

00:28:35Marc:They thought I'd give up.

00:28:36Marc:It's always a good moment when the coke dealer tells you he doesn't want to sell you any more coke.

00:28:42Marc:I think you've had enough.

00:28:44Marc:Who the fuck are you?

00:28:45Marc:Right.

00:28:45Marc:What the fuck?

00:28:46Marc:I bought you a Cadillac, you motherfucker.

00:28:49Marc:Get up.

00:28:49Marc:I don't need you at noon.

00:28:51Marc:I'm high now.

00:28:53Marc:I want to keep this thing going because I'm having fun by myself.

00:28:55Marc:Yeah, because if it stops, I'll have to deal with the ugly reality of what I've just done.

00:29:00Marc:I used to buy coke from a guy that apparently dealt to a lot of musicians because he'd go into his house and it was like a gallery of broken dreams.

00:29:08Marc:It was just guitars and amps.

00:29:11Marc:And I'd be like, why do you got all this stuff?

00:29:15Marc:He's like, well, a lot of my customers are musicians.

00:29:18Marc:I'm like, so they just give this to you?

00:29:19Marc:Well, they kind of leave it here until they can pick it up again.

00:29:25Marc:Which is why I always envied musicians, because they had shit to barter with me.

00:29:29Marc:Can I do five minutes in your living room for fucking two grams?

00:29:34Marc:Not a big seller.

00:29:35Marc:Do you want to know something?

00:29:37Marc:I recently just went to Cartagena, believe it or not.

00:29:39Marc:What is that?

00:29:40Marc:It's in Colombia.

00:29:41Marc:Oh, good for you.

00:29:42Marc:You went to the source?

00:29:44Marc:No, I went.

00:29:45Marc:I was on a cruise.

00:29:46Marc:You went to the factory tour?

00:29:47Marc:What is it?

00:29:49Marc:I'm one of your biggest fans, big customer.

00:29:51Marc:I just want to see where this shit's made.

00:29:53Marc:I'd like to meet the people that are making my eight ball.

00:29:56Marc:You know, if there's a place, you got a gift shop.

00:29:58Marc:I'd love to go to the gift shop first.

00:30:01Marc:And then we do, you know what?

00:30:02Marc:I'll go to the gift shop and get the fuck out of here.

00:30:04Marc:I'll screw.

00:30:04Marc:How would that be?

00:30:05Marc:We'll go to the babble room and talk for several minutes and then show me.

00:30:09Marc:No, but I really, I got off.

00:30:10Marc:This is like a year ago.

00:30:11Marc:I've been straight for a long time.

00:30:13Marc:And I get off and I was kind of, no lie.

00:30:15Marc:I got off, I kind of went,

00:30:15Marc:There really should be like a fucking parade or the key to the city for me.

00:30:20Marc:I mean, I really kept their economy going for about 25 fucking years.

00:30:25Marc:Someone could have showed up to thank you.

00:30:27Marc:Oh, look, children, it's Senior Kenny.

00:30:31Marc:The guy who paid for all our fucking soccer fields.

00:30:34Marc:The Senior Kenny School for Children.

00:30:36Marc:This is, yeah.

00:30:38Marc:Ah, gracias, welcome.

00:30:40Marc:Oh, our great benefactor.

00:30:41Marc:There's just a picture of you with your eyes bugged open in every room.

00:30:46Guest:Study hard, kid!

00:30:49Guest:Or this is your future!

00:30:56Marc:Yeah, that sound.

00:30:57Marc:I remember that sound.

00:30:58Marc:I wish I had that money back.

00:30:59Marc:Yeah?

00:31:01Marc:I wish I had the money back I spilled.

00:31:02Marc:Yeah, that's the worst.

00:31:03Marc:Just the stuff you left on the back of the urinal and you went, oh, right.

00:31:06Marc:Those are the worst.

00:31:07Marc:Beach house on the vineyard.

00:31:10Yeah.

00:31:10Marc:It was a lot of fun, so they tell me.

00:31:12Marc:Yeah.

00:31:13Marc:No, people always say, well, at least you have the memories.

00:31:15Marc:I go, no, I don't.

00:31:18Marc:I got to ask people if I was at that function.

00:31:20Marc:Was I there?

00:31:20Marc:Did I have fun?

00:31:21Marc:Yeah, oh, good.

00:31:22Marc:And that was worth the grand.

00:31:23Guest:What I do.

00:31:24Marc:What do I do?

00:31:27Guest:Who do I got to apologize to?

00:31:28Marc:Where am I not allowed into again?

00:31:30Marc:But you did Letterman.

00:31:31Marc:What year was that?

00:31:32Marc:Oh, they're colorizing it, so it was a while ago.

00:31:37Yeah.

00:31:38Marc:I think he was still a fucking weatherman when I did it, as a matter of fact.

00:31:43Marc:You weren't even booked on the show.

00:31:45Marc:I wasn't even booked on the show.

00:31:46Marc:I played a son.

00:31:46Marc:I came out.

00:31:48Marc:I remember your weatherman.

00:31:53Marc:You had the mustache.

00:31:54Marc:You looked good.

00:31:54Marc:You had a sports jacket.

00:31:56Marc:I got sober for that year.

00:31:58Marc:For that year.

00:31:58Marc:Well, 11 months.

00:32:00Marc:Yeah.

00:32:01Marc:But what happened?

00:32:02Marc:Where have you been?

00:32:03Marc:I've just been trying to... It took me a long time to get the message that drugs and booze weren't helping me.

00:32:11Marc:A lot of my friends got sober 25 years ago and they go, you'll catch up.

00:32:16Marc:So yeah, I've been doing that.

00:32:19Marc:There was a lot of empty time.

00:32:21Marc:Really, it was a waste of fucking time.

00:32:23Marc:If you're out there and you have drug problems, you can get help and do it quick because otherwise you're going to turn around one day and go, fuck.

00:32:29Marc:when did I get to be this age?

00:32:33Marc:But there again, had I been, if I had gone to like some sort of fortune teller, if I had put down a hundred bucks in Vegas, that I would make it past 35, I'd be a rich motherfucker right now.

00:32:45Marc:Because nobody would have betted that.

00:32:46Marc:Nobody would have, 35, 32, and he's gone.

00:32:49Marc:They would have never bet over 30.

00:32:50Marc:They would have never bet the over on me.

00:32:51Marc:I would have made a lot of money.

00:32:53Marc:Did you gamble too?

00:32:55Marc:Of course I did.

00:32:57Yeah.

00:32:57Marc:I'm a compulsive motherfucker on cocaine and alcohol in Vegas.

00:33:01Marc:No, mostly I just went around and, you know, watched the fountain.

00:33:10Marc:I hear they have hookers there.

00:33:11Marc:I've never seen one, you know.

00:33:14Marc:When you're doing blow, you don't think about sex when you're doing blow.

00:33:18Marc:That's all you think about.

00:33:19Marc:Yeah, but you can't really function.

00:33:21Marc:No, you couldn't find your dick with a team of hunting dogs.

00:33:23Marc:You kidding me?

00:33:25Marc:Sex on bro.

00:33:26Marc:If I can just come one more time, I'll fall asleep for sure.

00:33:29Guest:Damn you!

00:33:30Marc:Curse you, penis!

00:33:31Marc:Yeah, breaking the masturbation record, trying to come off blow.

00:33:34Marc:I think my heart's going to explode.

00:33:35Marc:If I jerk off again, maybe something will happen.

00:33:38Marc:It's nothing worse than getting robbed by a hooker either.

00:33:39Marc:It's so foolish.

00:33:42Marc:You know, those ones you look in the magazine and she's beautiful.

00:33:44Marc:And then I said, send over that blonde.

00:33:46Marc:Oh, sure, sure.

00:33:47Marc:And like five hours later, you know, I've got like Patron and Vulcan.

00:33:51Marc:I'm trying like a half a quarter Patron.

00:33:52Guest:Yeah.

00:33:53Marc:Knock on my door and I swear I got to look through the people and I don't see any light coming from the other side.

00:33:58Marc:That's how fucking big this girl was.

00:34:01Marc:She looked like John Lithgow in Garp.

00:34:03Marc:I mean, that's all.

00:34:04Marc:I'm not shitting you, man.

00:34:07Marc:And the big question is, did you let her in?

00:34:09Marc:I let her in, of course I did.

00:34:10Marc:And the price was $140 if she danced and $300 for anything else.

00:34:13Marc:And I said, just dance while I jerk up.

00:34:18Marc:And that's the last thing I remember.

00:34:20Marc:And I woke up and all my money was gone.

00:34:23Marc:And I had hidden it in my underwear drawer and I thought, what kind of person goes through a passed out man's underwear drawer?

00:34:32Marc:What kind of morally bankrupt person?

00:34:34Marc:This hooker has no scruples at all.

00:34:38Marc:Who the fuck can you trust in the world if not a hooker from a magazine?

00:34:44Marc:A giant hooker.

00:34:45Marc:A giant hooker.

00:34:47Marc:It's not like I could have fought her for the money if she wanted it anyway.

00:34:50Marc:I mean, I would have taken a major ass kicking.

00:34:55Marc:So, yeah, so it took me a while to get off that.

00:34:57Marc:I've always wondered, like, and since we're talking about this and it's gotten to this place...

00:35:02Marc:Did you think it would go anywhere else?

00:35:04Marc:No.

00:35:04Marc:But, like, I wonder what normal people do.

00:35:07Marc:I mean, comics are like this weird breed of freaks.

00:35:09Marc:I mean, do normal, like, can I just ask a general question?

00:35:12Marc:I'll ask to couples or to anybody.

00:35:14Marc:Is it unusual for someone to go on a date and when the woman says, you know, all right, well, I don't want to do anything, the guy says, you just watch me jerk off.

00:35:24Marc:Is that unusual?

00:35:25Yeah.

00:35:26Marc:Because it's a common comic behavior.

00:35:28Marc:Really?

00:35:30Marc:It really is.

00:35:31Marc:It is.

00:35:31Marc:I've talked to other comics about it.

00:35:33Marc:It's just sort of like, really, you're just going to split?

00:35:34Marc:I mean, fuck.

00:35:36Marc:Can you just watch me jerk off?

00:35:37Marc:You don't have to do anything.

00:35:38Marc:Yeah.

00:35:39Marc:Is that wrong?

00:35:40Marc:Is that wrong?

00:35:40Marc:Is it common?

00:35:41Marc:It's not like we don't want you involved, but... If you're going to stand this up and you're already there, contribute.

00:35:50Marc:I'm not getting a lot of love around this thing.

00:35:51Marc:Yeah, you know.

00:35:52Marc:Talk dirty or dance or something.

00:35:55Marc:They're isolating us.

00:35:56Marc:I would do it for them.

00:35:59Marc:Absolutely.

00:36:00Marc:You know, when I'm done.

00:36:03Marc:Yeah, yeah, right after this, sure.

00:36:05Marc:Oh, boy.

00:36:06Marc:Yeah, I don't feel like... Wow, we got right down to the gutter.

00:36:08Marc:Yeah, they're not on board, though.

00:36:09Marc:Oh, yeah, they're on board.

00:36:11Marc:They just don't want to admit they're on board.

00:36:13Marc:Like I told the last show, I told the one hooker story I have.

00:36:16Marc:I was never a hooker guy because it was just too much pressure and weird to me.

00:36:19Marc:Yeah, they're expensive, trust me.

00:36:20Marc:Well, that was the funny thing.

00:36:21Marc:I told the story the last show about the hooker.

00:36:24Marc:I don't know how many people were here for that, but I'm going to tell it again.

00:36:27Oh!

00:36:27Marc:Too many.

00:36:28Marc:Too many.

00:36:29Marc:I don't know it.

00:36:30Marc:I thought you were pointing over there like the hooker was here.

00:36:34Marc:I don't know if she's here.

00:36:37Marc:I don't think she's here.

00:36:38Marc:I don't think she made it that one.

00:36:44Marc:Why is that so funny?

00:36:50Marc:I was up at that bar, like the one where it was Nick's, it was like probably, what was it, 80, probably 89, right?

00:36:56Marc:So I'd done a short set at Nick's and I got to start now and I did blow.

00:37:00Marc:I don't remember who was involved.

00:37:01Marc:Remember they used to let us drink late at that bar right over there or whatever it was that we could drink?

00:37:05Marc:All of them.

00:37:05Marc:The Tam, maybe?

00:37:06Marc:Yeah, I don't remember.

00:37:07Marc:But it was like...

00:37:09Marc:It was 3.30 or 4 in the morning.

00:37:10Marc:I was fucked up, and I was coked up, and I'm driving right down here, right down the store tree.

00:37:14Marc:I never had gotten a hooker in my life, and I pull over.

00:37:17Marc:There's a hooker there.

00:37:17Marc:I said, you know, how much?

00:37:19Marc:And she said, $30.

00:37:22Marc:And I'm like, all right, she get in the car.

00:37:23Marc:She was classy.

00:37:24Marc:Well, that's what you said.

00:37:25Marc:I told you this story, and I said, how much?

00:37:27Marc:You guys, you said, how much?

00:37:28Marc:I said, $30.

00:37:30Marc:And you said, ooh, a good one.

00:37:34Marc:Well, for this neighborhood at 4 a.m.

00:37:36Marc:back then, that was high price.

00:37:38Marc:You want to hear the story?

00:37:38Marc:I'll tell you.

00:37:39Guest:I do want to hear the story.

00:37:40Marc:All right, so she gets in the car, and I'm like, all right, where do we go?

00:37:43Marc:And she goes, this is the line that I remembered.

00:37:46Marc:She said, I don't usually do this.

00:37:47Marc:I'm like, all right.

00:37:50Marc:But here was the next line was, I mean, I'm just in town for my father's funeral.

00:37:55Marc:Swear to God.

00:37:56Marc:I'm not sure if that's hot or not.

00:37:58Marc:And you would think the guy dying would have given her some closure on this fucking occupation.

00:38:03Marc:But anyways.

00:38:04Marc:Maybe she could have put it behind her.

00:38:07Guest:Exactly.

00:38:08Marc:Bury the anger.

00:38:09Marc:It's over.

00:38:12Marc:Too dark?

00:38:13Marc:Anyways.

00:38:15Marc:So I go, where do we go?

00:38:15Marc:She goes, just pull down there.

00:38:17Marc:And I'm like, okay.

00:38:17Marc:And I say, what do I do?

00:38:18Marc:She goes, well, pull your pants down.

00:38:20Marc:I do.

00:38:20Marc:She sticks a condom on my sad coke dick, which is just frightened.

00:38:24Marc:It's just frightened.

00:38:25Marc:It's just tucked in.

00:38:25Marc:It's sort of like, this is not good.

00:38:26Marc:I can't do anything under this situation.

00:38:29Marc:And she puts his condom on and he's just hanging there.

00:38:31Marc:And then all of a sudden, boom, I'm surrounded by three cop cars.

00:38:34Marc:Lights come on.

00:38:35Marc:It's a fucking nightmare.

00:38:36Marc:I'm like, what do we do?

00:38:37Marc:She goes, well, play your pants up.

00:38:39Marc:And then she gets out of the car and she starts this weird drama of like, he helped me.

00:38:44Marc:My boyfriend was going to beat me up and blah, blah, blah.

00:38:47Marc:And then a cop comes over to the window and goes, where do you live?

00:38:49Marc:I go, Somerville.

00:38:49Marc:He goes, why don't you go there?

00:38:53Marc:And I'm like, okay, okay, thank you, I'm going.

00:38:55Marc:So I just drive off, and I'm driving down in a panic, and I realize I didn't pull my underwear up or my pants, really.

00:39:01Marc:And I'm driving down the highway, and I just see my sad dick with a condom hanging off at half undone, basically going, never again, never, never again.

00:39:13Marc:And that's why I never was a hooker guy.

00:39:15Marc:Once I got robbed by John Lithgow, I thought that's it for me.

00:39:19Marc:That's it for you.

00:39:20Marc:I know there's more expensive ones, but who can afford them?

00:39:23Marc:That was my only hooker.

00:39:25Marc:So you married?

00:39:27Marc:I was.

00:39:27Marc:How'd that go?

00:39:32Marc:I'm divorced really well, actually.

00:39:35Marc:All right, Kenny Rogers, ladies and gentlemen.

00:39:37Marc:Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

00:39:39Marc:This next comic, another Boston great.

00:39:45Marc:I remember working with this guy in Nantucket.

00:39:46Marc:He's always sort of like, I never quite understood what was going on with him because he plays it pretty close to the chest, but he's one of the best comics ever.

00:39:55Marc:Please welcome Mike Donovan to the stage.

00:40:03Marc:Hey, buddy.

00:40:04Marc:There's a mic for you.

00:40:07Marc:Mike Donovan.

00:40:09Marc:Yo.

00:40:09Marc:Yeah.

00:40:10Marc:It's good to see you, man.

00:40:11Marc:Go Pats.

00:40:14Marc:Sports guy.

00:40:15Marc:I was never taught sports.

00:40:21Guest:Well, you know, the Denver Broncos, you got to give them credit in that playoff game.

00:40:25Guest:If it weren't for those 82 bad plays, they would have won that game.

00:40:29Guest:Welcome to the NFL.

00:40:32Marc:Do you ever tell the story, and I don't know if it's true, can I bring up a story?

00:40:35Marc:Go ahead, I'm sure I don't remember it, but go ahead.

00:40:38Marc:It was a story about you being cast in that TV show.

00:40:43Guest:Oh, Bosom Buddies.

00:40:44Marc:Yeah.

00:40:45Guest:You were cast in that, right?

00:40:49Guest:No, it was my chance to set the record straight.

00:40:51Guest:Okay.

00:40:52Okay.

00:40:53Guest:It's become a legend, but it's been exaggerated greatly.

00:40:55Guest:Yeah.

00:40:56Guest:What happened was a guy named Buck Star and Paul Barkley, they got a call from L.A.

00:41:02Guest:They were looking for new talent to come out and star in a sitcom.

00:41:06Marc:Right.

00:41:07Guest:But they didn't say what it was.

00:41:08Marc:Okay.

00:41:08Guest:And they chose me, and I said, there's a lot of great talent around there.

00:41:12Guest:He says, no, we know about that, but we choose you.

00:41:14Guest:And I'm like, I'm giving you fair warning if I don't like the show.

00:41:18Right.

00:41:18Guest:If I don't like what it's all about, I'm not doing it.

00:41:20Guest:So you're going to waste a lot of money flying me out there.

00:41:23Guest:They say, all right, we'll take our chances.

00:41:25Guest:I get out there.

00:41:26Guest:I rehearse a different show, not realizing this is just a dummy show for practice.

00:41:34Guest:So I rehearse the show in front of the big wheels at the Century City there.

00:41:39Guest:And then they get me into the office, and they show me the script.

00:41:43Guest:And I'm reading it, and I'm like, I have to dress up as a woman?

00:41:47Yeah.

00:41:48Guest:I'm from fucking Southie.

00:41:53Guest:I have to walk down West Broadway sometime between now and the day I die.

00:41:57Guest:This is not gonna happen.

00:42:01Guest:And I'm in the meeting with the producers and I'm being apologetic.

00:42:06Guest:I say, you should have told me what this was before you flew me out here.

00:42:10Guest:But it wasn't my part, period.

00:42:14Guest:They weren't handing it to me.

00:42:15Guest:I just had inside track.

00:42:17Guest:There was about 15, 20 people were being considered.

00:42:20Guest:Right.

00:42:21Guest:And then they said that we're really, that's okay because we're looking for talent in general.

00:42:26Guest:Yeah.

00:42:26Guest:You know, and I'm like, all right, well, fine.

00:42:28Guest:And so then I'm checking out of the hotel.

00:42:31Guest:Yeah.

00:42:31Guest:And I get a phone call just as I'm leaving and they were, hello.

00:42:35Guest:Yeah, we got to inform you, you didn't get the part.

00:42:39Guest:Well, I already told them where to stick it.

00:42:43Guest:You know, and it turned out the guy that got the part was Tom Hanks.

00:42:46Guest:Right.

00:42:48Guest:But I don't regret that.

00:42:49Guest:I've had a wonderful life.

00:42:50Guest:I'm happy to be who I am.

00:42:56Marc:You would never have been able to walk into Triple O's after doing that show.

00:43:01Guest:That was the right choice.

00:43:02Guest:Well, speaking of being old, don't clap because it doesn't count.

00:43:06Guest:Yesterday was my birthday.

00:43:07Guest:I turned 57.

00:43:08Guest:But I got to quote the funniest line I've ever heard on aging.

00:43:12Guest:It was Rodney Dangerfield sitting on the couch with Johnny.

00:43:15Guest:Hey, I got to tell you, Johnny, at my age, what do I have to look forward to, you know?

00:43:19Guest:I mean, from this point on, if I take excellent care of myself, I'll get very sick and die.

00:43:30Guest:You look like you're in fucking great shape, though.

00:43:33Guest:You hanging in there?

00:43:34Guest:Another sports story you might like.

00:43:37Guest:Mike Farrow.

00:43:40Guest:You've seen Defending Your Life.

00:43:42Guest:It was a great movie.

00:43:43Guest:I don't know how I'm going to handle that because I hear all these stories where I'm misbehaving or something.

00:43:47Guest:I don't even remember it.

00:43:49Guest:I got problems on that end.

00:43:51Guest:Mike Farrow tells a story.

00:43:53Guest:I barely remember it.

00:43:53Guest:It made sense when I heard it.

00:43:54Guest:He says, I'm doing a gig with him in Hartford and was sharing a hotel room.

00:43:59Guest:And he's in the bed and it's pitch dark and he's hearing this noise.

00:44:07Guest:And he's afraid to move.

00:44:08Guest:I don't know what's going on.

00:44:09Guest:I am afraid to turn around and see what's going on here.

00:44:13Guest:And it's Mike Donovan in his underwear swinging his bat at 3.30 in the morning.

00:44:20Guest:But it makes sense.

00:44:21Guest:I love baseball.

00:44:27Guest:But here's the sickest part of this society.

00:44:30Guest:That's my favorite exercise is swinging my bat.

00:44:33Guest:I stand in front of my house and I swing the bat.

00:44:36Guest:50, 100 times.

00:44:36Guest:It's fun.

00:44:37Guest:It's good exercise.

00:44:38Guest:Everybody that walks by has this association with violence.

00:44:42Guest:Hey, you're not going to hurt me with that, are you?

00:44:44Guest:It doesn't cross anybody's mind that you might be using a bat for exercise.

00:44:48Guest:It's the first instinct is he's going to kill someone.

00:44:51Marc:No, you're just swinging a bat.

00:44:53Marc:I wasn't even thinking bat.

00:44:58Marc:You know, you're in a hotel room.

00:44:59Marc:The other thing you were known for when I was a kid, you know, is that you had these amazing hobbies.

00:45:06Marc:And one of them was, and this is before the internet, so Mike was way ahead of this.

00:45:11Marc:He used to sit at home and you would edit VHS tapes.

00:45:15Marc:It was just an ongoing montage of baseball players being hit in the balls with baseball.

00:45:20LAUGHTER

00:45:23Guest:Well, it was called the joy of hitting.

00:45:28Guest:Just so every person is at the bat and you know he's about to get doinked.

00:45:33Guest:And I didn't think it was funny.

00:45:34Guest:It was a tribute to hitters and how dangerous.

00:45:36Guest:But people were watching and going, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

00:45:40Marc:How did you not think it was funny?

00:45:43Guest:I took it seriously.

00:45:44Guest:LAUGHTER

00:45:49Guest:So what's the Nantucket story?

00:45:51Marc:Well, no, that was just one of those times.

00:45:52Marc:It wasn't like, it was not a big story.

00:45:54Marc:It was just, I remember it was me and Garofalo and you.

00:45:57Marc:And we went down to that place.

00:45:58Marc:What was that gig down there?

00:45:59Marc:The Muse, remember?

00:46:01Marc:Bunk bed.

00:46:01Marc:You'd stay in the band house and there were bunk beds.

00:46:04Marc:I remember there, I was there.

00:46:05Marc:I don't want to name the comic, but he was all jacked up.

00:46:08Marc:And there's nothing worse than being in the band house on a fucking island that you couldn't leave with a guy who's jacked up on coke and you just want to sleep.

00:46:15Marc:And he's just sitting there yammering.

00:46:16Marc:And I'm like, I can't.

00:46:17Marc:What the fuck?

00:46:18Guest:This is what comedy is.

00:46:20Guest:So I want to pile on and stick up for Bob Batchelder at the same time.

00:46:25Guest:Sure.

00:46:26Guest:Because he had an anger management problem on stage.

00:46:29Guest:And everybody snaps once in a while.

00:46:31Guest:But he was snapping too often.

00:46:33Guest:And he corrected his problem because one day he came in to catch a rising star and he's just sitting up the back of the room in the dark and there's two comics in front of him just talking.

00:46:44Guest:They don't know he's behind them.

00:46:45Guest:And once I see the other, I really batched out on stage last night.

00:46:51Guest:And he realized, wow, my name is a reference for snapping.

00:46:56Guest:I got to do something about this.

00:46:58Guest:He lives in Kentucky now.

00:46:59Guest:He's still working.

00:47:00Guest:He's a great comic.

00:47:01Marc:Yeah, I'd like to have him on because that was such a powerful memory for me.

00:47:05Marc:I'll never forget.

00:47:05Marc:But back then, everyone snapped.

00:47:07Marc:Before the age of people shooting cameras or you had to worry about someone was doing something, people used to fucking lose their mind on stage.

00:47:14Marc:And it was the only thing that comics were able to laugh at.

00:47:16Marc:Yeah.

00:47:18Marc:I mean, we're so jaded.

00:47:20Marc:It was like, you know, as soon as someone was snapping, it was like, let's go in.

00:47:22Marc:Let's go in.

00:47:23Marc:I don't want to miss this.

00:47:24Marc:That was more fun for us.

00:47:25Guest:Yeah, Jay Charbonneau.

00:47:26Guest:Jay Charbonneau.

00:47:28Guest:He was the best.

00:47:29Guest:Just fucking lose it.

00:47:31Guest:One night I did a Google search on comedy snaps, stand-up snapping.

00:47:35Guest:Yeah.

00:47:36Guest:It was really amazing because...

00:47:38Guest:It seems like, well, if you're a real comic, you can handle it.

00:47:42Guest:It doesn't come down, because if you listen closely, you'll find George Carlin, Bill Hicks, on and on down the line, they snap exactly the same as any other working comic.

00:47:53Guest:Why don't you shut the fuck up?

00:47:54Guest:No one came here to see you!

00:47:56Guest:Yeah.

00:47:57Guest:And they're not very clever about it.

00:47:59Guest:So it's a myth that you can suddenly come up with these witty, clever, brilliant ways to handle a bunch of assholes that are talking in the front row for your entire show.

00:48:08Guest:I know.

00:48:09Marc:I remember several fish flights outside of the ding.

00:48:12Guest:Really?

00:48:12Marc:And stitches.

00:48:13Marc:Yeah.

00:48:13Marc:Lenny, Cremins, me.

00:48:15Marc:There was just hecklers that didn't know enough that won't twig it offstage.

00:48:19Marc:You should really be gone.

00:48:20Marc:Well, Barry, he would do politics back in the early 80s.

00:48:24Marc:And I just remember Stitches, he used to host that show in the middle of the week.

00:48:27Marc:And every show, within 10 minutes, he would just exasperate it.

00:48:31Marc:He'd go, all right, there are three branches of government.

00:48:37LAUGHTER

00:48:38Marc:Like every show, it was just like 10 minutes of him doing material, and they're like, ugh.

00:48:43Marc:That experience of the judiciary.

00:48:45Guest:You know the famous one, the wheelchair person, heckling everyone at Stitches all night?

00:48:49Guest:So no one wants to say anything because the person's in a wheelchair, so they get a free pass.

00:48:53Guest:So Kermans at the end, they've ruined, the person has ruined everyone's act.

00:48:57Guest:Kermans goes on at the end, the person starts screaming and says, I'm going to throw you down a flight of stairs faster than you can drool on yourself.

00:49:03laughter

00:49:10Marc:That shut him up?

00:49:12Marc:That shut him up, yeah.

00:49:16Marc:Do you snap much?

00:49:19Guest:I try to keep the bar as high as possible.

00:49:21Guest:I'll give people five or six minutes to talk amongst themselves, but if it's 15, 20, sure, I'll snap.

00:49:26Marc:I remember one time I was at the Kowloon in Saugus, and I don't remember...

00:49:31Guest:It is Kowloon.

00:49:33Marc:And there was a woman who wouldn't shut up.

00:49:36Marc:And this was like a lesson you only have to learn.

00:49:38Marc:At the Kowloon?

00:49:39Marc:Yeah.

00:49:40Marc:It was packed.

00:49:42Marc:And there was a woman who wouldn't shut up.

00:49:43Marc:She ruined the opener set.

00:49:44Marc:And I think I was middling.

00:49:45Marc:And this is a lesson you only learn once.

00:49:48Marc:And I just got on stage.

00:49:50Marc:And I said, why don't you shut the fuck up, you cunt?

00:49:54Marc:But in a nice way.

00:49:55Marc:Yeah.

00:49:58Marc:And that's when I wrote the joke.

00:50:01Marc:You know, when you say cunt, it's a long row back to the island of funny.

00:50:06Marc:I said cunt.

00:50:07Marc:I got a row.

00:50:09Marc:They hated me.

00:50:11Marc:There was no winning them back after that.

00:50:13Marc:Maybe I should have waited until the middle of the set.

00:50:16Marc:I don't think she had fully established herself as a cunt yet.

00:50:22Marc:If everybody thought she was a cunt, I might have had some support.

00:50:25Marc:If others had been yelling, hey, shut the fuck up, cunt, you would have been all right with it.

00:50:31Marc:Maybe chanting cunts.

00:50:32Marc:You didn't get the crowd on your side.

00:50:34Marc:No, I didn't.

00:50:35Marc:Give me a C. That's what you do in that situation.

00:50:39Marc:They think it's like a pep rally, and you've won them back.

00:50:43Marc:Now, Mike Donovan has been talking, like when I was here, like in the 80s, you know, there was always this talk that you were writing a history textbook.

00:50:53Guest:Well, it's on my website.

00:50:54Guest:It's 1.6 million words.

00:50:57Guest:It's a general history of the United States for general readers with a touch of humor and a narrative, and I try to take all the boring things that are in history books and take them out and liven it up, spice it up a little, a fake story now and then based on a true story.

00:51:12LAUGHTER

00:51:13Guest:And I'm an author in search of a publisher.

00:51:15Guest:And if somehow someone hears this and somehow I get connected with the right person, this would be the greatest night of my life.

00:51:23Marc:Wow, I hope that happens.

00:51:26Marc:It was like...

00:51:28Marc:It was so impressive because when I emailed you and we decided you were going to do the show, you emailed me and said, you got to go to my website and start reading my book.

00:51:34Marc:And I'm like, does he really?

00:51:36Marc:So I go to his website and there's all the chapters.

00:51:40Marc:It's like the entire website.

00:51:41Marc:And I'm like, holy fuck, that is ambitious.

00:51:44Marc:I mean, you've been working on this for how long?

00:51:46Guest:Well, I've been studying every day for 30 years and I've been writing for eight.

00:51:50Marc:That's unbelievable.

00:51:51Marc:He's not kidding.

00:51:52Marc:Didn't you write, but wait, am I wrong in remembering that like at the time that I knew you were writing a book on Russian history?

00:51:58Guest:In the 80s, I studied Russian history every day.

00:52:01Marc:Yeah.

00:52:01Guest:But I start every day with two hours of study.

00:52:03Guest:That way you never get rusty.

00:52:05Guest:I'd shut the phone off.

00:52:06Guest:No one is allowed to talk to me.

00:52:08Guest:And then I move on from there.

00:52:09Guest:But a little exaggeration is a fun thing.

00:52:12Guest:For example, I'll give you an example.

00:52:14Guest:Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt are at the Tehran Conference.

00:52:19Guest:And Roosevelt and Stalin are trying to bond at the expense of Churchill.

00:52:24Guest:And they're actually making little jokes about Churchill.

00:52:26Guest:And Churchill is getting mad.

00:52:28Guest:Now, I'll add an exaggeration that Roosevelt hit him with a spitball.

00:52:33Guest:Why not?

00:52:33Guest:It's a silly exaggeration.

00:52:35Guest:It helps you remember.

00:52:36Guest:It's a mnemonic device.

00:52:38Guest:You remember a silly exaggeration and it stays with you.

00:52:44Guest:He wrote a book.

00:52:45Guest:You did?

00:52:45Guest:The History of the Indian Treaties.

00:52:48Guest:What was the title?

00:52:49Marc:Tough Luck Featherhead.

00:52:50Marc:Yeah, it was The History of the Indian Treaties.

00:52:57Marc:It wasn't a big seller.

00:53:00Marc:Can I just tell you how much history, this is how smart this guy is.

00:53:03Marc:I remember, this is true.

00:53:04Marc:Years ago with the old Comedy Connection, we had a night where everybody had to come up with a fake name.

00:53:09Marc:So, you know, everyone's like Joey Cockface and Buddy Butts and Mike, I go, what's your name going to be?

00:53:15Marc:Joe Pilsudski.

00:53:16Marc:Joe Pilsudski.

00:53:16Marc:Does anybody know who Joseph Pilsetsky was?

00:53:19Guest:No, no one did.

00:53:19Guest:But I looked it up.

00:53:20Guest:He's the George Washington of Poland.

00:53:22Guest:He led that country in between the wars.

00:53:25Guest:But that's what he comes up with.

00:53:26Guest:Everyone else is dick nose.

00:53:27Marc:Very important person.

00:53:27Marc:Yeah, I know.

00:53:28Marc:That's how I know who he is because you used that name.

00:53:30Guest:Yeah, it was Joe Pilsetsky on stage.

00:53:31Marc:I learned more about history in one night from him than all this guy went to school.

00:53:35Marc:But Joe Pilsetsky, everyone was dick nose.

00:53:38Marc:Wasn't there also a period of time where you were rewriting Marmaduke cartoons?

00:53:42Yeah.

00:53:43Guest:Yeah, Marmaduke became very obscene.

00:53:49Guest:But it was mostly a reaction to the fact that that goddamn cartoon has never been fucking funny one time.

00:54:01Guest:Marmaduke was banging everything in sight.

00:54:03Guest:Let's just put it that way.

00:54:05Guest:Mike Donovan, ladies and gentlemen.

00:54:07Marc:You want to move down?

00:54:09Marc:All right.

00:54:10Marc:Yeah, just move.

00:54:11Marc:Yeah.

00:54:14Marc:You can get on that, Mike.

00:54:17Marc:You want to push the CD in the website.

00:54:18Guest:Where's the website?

00:54:19Guest:Yes, I have a CD called Throwing Rocks.

00:54:21Guest:It's on iTunes, and it's not just one show.

00:54:24Guest:It's a composite of about 50, 60 different shows all clipped together.

00:54:28Guest:I think it's a good piece of work.

00:54:29Marc:Oh, great.

00:54:30Marc:Okay, so get that on iTunes and go to Mike.

00:54:32Marc:So what is it, MikeDonovan.com?

00:54:34Marc:For the book on history.

00:54:36Marc:I swear to God, if you put the DVD of the guys getting hit in the balls with the ball as a second, as an extra for the CD.

00:54:45Marc:And the Marmaduke cartoon.

00:54:46Marc:Marmaduke fucking balls.

00:54:49Marc:I'm buying it.

00:54:50Marc:Can I do a little business real quick and then bring out Jimmy?

00:54:53Marc:We're here at the Magner's Comedy Festival.

00:54:55Marc:Check out Magner's.com and the Magner's Facebook page for more info on the Magner's Comedy Festival.

00:55:01Guest:Magner's is pisser.

00:55:02Guest:Yeah, pisser!

00:55:04Mac!

00:55:06Guest:Mac!

00:55:11Guest:Mac!

00:55:15Mac!

00:55:17Marc:My next guest is a very prolific man and a very funny man.

00:55:22Marc:His newest CD is Jimmy Tingle for president, the funniest campaign in history.

00:55:27Marc:He also just ran his show up in New Hampshire, and it's available on DVD, Jimmy Tingle's American Dream.

00:55:32Marc:The very wonderful Jimmy Tingle, ladies and gentlemen.

00:55:38Marc:Jimmy.

00:55:41Marc:Hey, man.

00:55:42Guest:How you doing, buddy?

00:55:45Guest:Good.

00:55:46Guest:How about for the great Marc Maron, ladies and gentlemen?

00:55:52Marc:Jimmy.

00:55:54Marc:Good to see you, pal.

00:55:55Marc:You know all these guys for like a million years, right?

00:55:57Guest:Hilarious.

00:55:59Guest:I didn't catch the name.

00:56:00Marc:Tingle.

00:56:03Guest:Tingle.

00:56:04Guest:Jimmy.

00:56:05Marc:That's my real name.

00:56:07Marc:A quick little history here.

00:56:09Marc:Like back in the day, what was it?

00:56:10Marc:19-whatever.

00:56:11Marc:Ding-ho.

00:56:12Marc:How long ago?

00:56:13Guest:1841.

00:56:14Guest:Wow.

00:56:15Wow.

00:56:15Guest:It's a Monday.

00:56:17Marc:But you started as a bartender there, right?

00:56:18Marc:Yeah.

00:56:19Marc:And there was just comics.

00:56:20Marc:That was where Stephen Wright came out of.

00:56:21Marc:All you guys worked there.

00:56:23Marc:Lenny was there.

00:56:23Marc:It was a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge.

00:56:25Guest:And you worked a bar.

00:56:26Guest:I worked a bar.

00:56:27Guest:I lived down the street from it.

00:56:28Guest:So I grew up in that neighborhood and got the job as a daytime bartender doing open mics at night.

00:56:33Guest:That's how I met all these guys.

00:56:34Marc:And when did you, when you first started doing comedy, I kind of remember.

00:56:38Marc:Because you'd be there and you'd be all sweaty and red.

00:56:41Marc:And you had a harmonica.

00:56:43Guest:Didn't you have a harmonica for a while?

00:56:45Yeah.

00:56:45Guest:The first time I went on stage, I had a trench coat, felt hat, sunglasses.

00:56:49Guest:I had a beard that wasn't fake.

00:56:50Guest:It was my real beard.

00:56:52Guest:And I would do songs like, I'm a test tube, baby.

00:56:54Guest:I'm a test tube, baby.

00:56:55Guest:That's why I got the blues.

00:56:58Guest:Was a man-made mutation scientifically abused?

00:57:02Guest:Was the miracle of the laboratory?

00:57:04Guest:How come I never made 60 minutes or even the news?

00:57:08Marc:How did it go over then?

00:57:09Guest:Not that well.

00:57:13Marc:And that never went platinum.

00:57:15Guest:But the shades helped.

00:57:18Marc:But then there's this miraculous change.

00:57:20Marc:You became a very political comic in the 80s.

00:57:24Marc:But recently you went back to school.

00:57:27Marc:And what did you get?

00:57:28Guest:I got...

00:57:29Guest:I'm in debt.

00:57:34Guest:No, I went back to school.

00:57:36Guest:We started, you know, the trench coat and the hat.

00:57:38Guest:We did song parodies.

00:57:39Guest:Thank God I'm a City Boy.

00:57:40Guest:Thank God I'm a Burbite.

00:57:41Guest:The Test Tube Baby Blues.

00:57:43Guest:Some of the classics.

00:57:44Guest:Yeah.

00:57:45Guest:The pooper scooper blues.

00:57:48Marc:A lot of blues.

00:57:49Guest:A lot of blues.

00:57:50Guest:I was a comedian with the blues and I would perform anywhere.

00:57:53Guest:Wherever a crowd would gather.

00:57:54Guest:A subway, a house party, a car accident.

00:57:56Guest:Wherever people came together.

00:58:01Guest:And I would do Harvard Square.

00:58:02Guest:I would do the street performance.

00:58:04Guest:I loved it.

00:58:05Guest:And it's like 81, you know, 1981, 82.

00:58:08Guest:And I admit there was a fine line between street performance and

00:58:11Guest:and simply being drunk in public.

00:58:18Guest:And so I'm like, I'm doing the pooper scooper blues out.

00:58:22Guest:This kid from high school comes walking by and goes, and it was the day Reagan got shot.

00:58:26Guest:It was like in March of 81, right?

00:58:27Guest:It was Ronald Reagan just got shot that afternoon.

00:58:30Guest:Anyway, so I'm up there doing my thing.

00:58:32Guest:I didn't know the president got shot.

00:58:33Guest:He comes up and goes, Tingle, what are you doing?

00:58:36Guest:I said, I'm becoming a comedian, man.

00:58:37Guest:This is my new calling in life.

00:58:38Guest:Comedian, what are you, crazy?

00:58:40Guest:President Reagan just got shot.

00:58:42Guest:Well, don't look at me.

00:58:43Guest:I've been here all afternoon.

00:58:48Guest:But Harvard Square, doing street performing, I mean, it's pretty wild.

00:58:52Guest:Because it's a very academic area, obviously.

00:58:54Guest:This woman comes up to me, a very professorial woman comes up.

00:58:57Guest:She goes, I think what you do is very interesting.

00:59:02Guest:I don't think you should subject everybody to it.

00:59:09LAUGHTER

00:59:09Guest:When did you start getting political?

00:59:13Guest:I started even from the beginning, honestly, though.

00:59:15Guest:But I was passionate about those issues.

00:59:17Guest:The Poopa Scoopa Blues was a protest song about the newly enacted Poopa Scoopa legislation.

00:59:23Guest:Sure.

00:59:24Guest:Okay, I opposed it.

00:59:25Guest:Yeah.

00:59:26Guest:You did?

00:59:26Guest:I opposed it.

00:59:27Guest:What, you wanted shit in the street?

00:59:29Guest:Looking back on it, I realize now I was actually advocating for shit on the street.

00:59:34Yeah.

00:59:34Guest:So I'm embarrassed if I say this.

00:59:39Guest:But my point was, what about the nuclear industry and all the DDT?

00:59:44Guest:I was trying to make the analogy, which wasn't really a valid point.

00:59:46Guest:But at that time, I thought... So you were saying shit's unimportant when we got this bigger shit to deal with?

00:59:52Guest:Exactly.

00:59:53Guest:Exactly.

00:59:53Guest:Clean up all this other stuff.

00:59:55Guest:And so even the Test 2 Baby Blues was about being manufactured.

01:00:01Guest:People being manufactured.

01:00:02Guest:Sure.

01:00:03Guest:You know, you're saying sure, but you don't really agree.

01:00:06Marc:No, what I see is a man who has gathered wisdom over time and is spinning his past into something that it might not be.

01:00:17Marc:Good point.

01:00:19Good point.

01:00:20Marc:It was all political, Mark.

01:00:21Guest:I did a thing about a girl's hair.

01:00:23Guest:Even the thank God I'm a city boy, thank God I'm a burbite.

01:00:27Guest:But anyway, you know how it is.

01:00:32Guest:Comics talk about what they find interesting.

01:00:35Guest:Whatever they're passionate about.

01:00:36Guest:Mike does great stuff on sports.

01:00:37Guest:Kenny is a hilarious storyteller.

01:00:39Guest:I talk about myself.

01:00:41Guest:Yeah, whatever.

01:00:42Mark!

01:00:43Mark!

01:00:44Marc:That's actually an impression of a girl named Trish.

01:00:46Guest:Oh, man.

01:00:47Marc:That's a real person.

01:00:51Marc:That's all I'm going to say.

01:00:52Guest:But anyway, I started taking, you know, I just was into politics.

01:00:55Guest:I studied sociology, political science, history, things like that in school.

01:00:59Guest:So that's what I started to talk about when I started to, you know, and took off the trench coat and stuff and also got sober and, you know, it just became more political act.

01:01:08Guest:That's why I'm doing the tingle for president right now.

01:01:10Guest:Are you really running?

01:01:11Guest:No.

01:01:13No.

01:01:13Guest:I run in these contexts.

01:01:15Guest:What's the platform?

01:01:16Guest:Yeah, it's just fun.

01:01:18Guest:The name of the party is Humor for Humanity.

01:01:21Guest:Humor for Humanity.

01:01:23Guest:Humor in helping, humor in healing, humor in hope.

01:01:27Guest:Ha, ha, ha.

01:01:30Guest:And that's what they chant at my rallies.

01:01:32Guest:So if you hear something tonight, ladies and gentlemen, that resonates in your soul and moves your spirit...

01:01:41Guest:Eight of you are with me.

01:01:44Guest:If you hear something tonight, ladies and gentlemen, that resonates in your soul and moves your spirit, yes, you can.

01:01:53Marc:But, like, are you watching the fucking debates?

01:01:55Marc:Oh, yeah.

01:01:56Marc:Like, I realized the other night that the only reason I watch it is morbid fascination and an anger buzz.

01:02:02Marc:It's hilarious.

01:02:03Marc:It's just so I can sit there and go, are you fucking kidding me?

01:02:07Marc:You're a monster.

01:02:08Marc:It's hilarious.

01:02:10Guest:Didn't you think we got rid of Newt Gingrich ten years ago?

01:02:13Guest:Oh, man.

01:02:14Guest:Newt, you might not like him, Mark.

01:02:17Guest:Very experienced.

01:02:18Guest:Very smart.

01:02:19Guest:At what?

01:02:20Guest:So was Hitler.

01:02:23Guest:Newt and I, we just differ on the issues.

01:02:25Guest:I'm a big supporter of gay marriage.

01:02:27Guest:Newt feels that marriage should be between one man and up to three women.

01:02:31Guest:And that's where we differ.

01:02:38Okay.

01:02:38Guest:Nice going, you're in the cabinet.

01:02:44Guest:Oh, Gingrich, he's always talking about, I want to debate Obama.

01:02:47Guest:I want to debate Obama.

01:02:49Guest:I want a Lincoln-Douglas-style debate with Obama.

01:02:51Guest:I think Obama should say, okay, fine, I'll debate you, Newt, Lincoln-Douglas-style.

01:02:55Guest:One condition, I'm Lincoln.

01:03:01Marc:But do you get, like, I mean, do you get the scared...

01:03:04Marc:Ever?

01:03:05Marc:Of what?

01:03:06Marc:Of politics?

01:03:07Marc:Of like what the future holds?

01:03:09Guest:No.

01:03:09Marc:Okay, good.

01:03:09Marc:It's going to be all right.

01:03:10Marc:Well, good.

01:03:11Marc:See, there's a hope.

01:03:12Marc:That's the hot hope.

01:03:13Guest:It's going to be all right.

01:03:14Marc:It seems so convincing to you.

01:03:17Guest:I'm pretty sure.

01:03:18Guest:Do you remember Rick Perry?

01:03:20Guest:I am the Tim Tebow of this election.

01:03:23Guest:You are now.

01:03:30Thank you.

01:03:31Marc:When you were up in New Hampshire, what was it like up there?

01:03:37Guest:I actually met Rick Perry.

01:03:39Guest:We were in the same hotel.

01:03:40Guest:That's how well my campaign is doing.

01:03:42Guest:We were both at the Holiday Inn in Concord, New Hampshire.

01:03:47Guest:I come out of my room, I see these guys in dark suits down the hall, and I go, are you guys secret service for a candidate?

01:03:52Guest:They go, no.

01:03:53Guest:I go, because I'm a candidate and I need some protection.

01:03:57Guest:And they didn't even laugh.

01:03:59Marc:They laughed less than these people just laughed.

01:04:03Marc:They started to ask you questions like they did Travis Bickle.

01:04:06Guest:So about 20 minutes later, I come out of my room and Rick, and I don't know who it is, I hear the southern accent and he's coming down the hall and I'm out there with my flyers.

01:04:15Guest:I'm trying to get people to go to the show.

01:04:17Guest:He comes by me, he goes, how you doing?

01:04:18Guest:Jimmy Tingle, I'm running for president.

01:04:19Guest:He goes, I'm Rick Perry, so am I.

01:04:23Marc:He's a good sport about it.

01:04:25Guest:Yeah.

01:04:26Guest:But, I mean, look at all the shit that's happened over the years.

01:04:28Guest:People are like, this is not the worst time ever in the history of the country.

01:04:31Guest:I've heard that.

01:04:32Guest:You know?

01:04:32Guest:It is.

01:04:34Guest:Can I tell you a funny story?

01:04:35Guest:Yeah.

01:04:35Guest:This is one of the things I want to do to help the elderly, right?

01:04:38Guest:We all got to help the elderly.

01:04:39Guest:You all have elderly parents?

01:04:43Marc:No, mine are younger than me.

01:04:46Marc:Mine are elderly, but they refuse to accept it.

01:04:49Guest:We're trying to help our aunt, right?

01:04:51Guest:She's 93 years old.

01:04:52Guest:One of my jobs is to do the shopping.

01:04:54Guest:I got a list of things to get in Walgreens.

01:04:57Guest:One of the things on the list is Depends.

01:05:00Guest:The adult diapers.

01:05:01Guest:So I'm in Walgreens.

01:05:02Guest:I said to the woman, I said, where's the Depends?

01:05:04Guest:She says, they're right over there.

01:05:05Guest:And I'm in the aisle.

01:05:06Guest:I'm trying to see the sizes on the Depends.

01:05:08Guest:I said, miss, I can't see the sizes on the Depends.

01:05:10Guest:She says to me, you look like you take about a medium.

01:05:14LAUGHTER

01:05:17Guest:I said, Miss, they are not for me.

01:05:19Guest:I am a presidential candidate.

01:05:23Marc:Sure they're not.

01:05:24Marc:Sure.

01:05:26Marc:That's one of those ones you can't get out of.

01:05:28Guest:I know.

01:05:29Marc:So where are you going next with this?

01:05:32Guest:I'm just going to work in theaters.

01:05:34Guest:Maybe work here.

01:05:35Guest:What do you think, folks?

01:05:38Yeah?

01:05:38Guest:Be nice.

01:05:40Marc:Are you going to campaign for anybody?

01:05:42Marc:What do you think is going to happen?

01:05:43Marc:Can you look into the future at all?

01:05:45Guest:I'm going to help Obama.

01:05:47Guest:I'm going to help Obama.

01:05:49Guest:I'm going to work harder for him this time than I did last time.

01:05:52Marc:Yeah, I helped him a lot in spirit last time.

01:05:56Marc:Like I was for him and I used to say, yeah, let's see what he can do.

01:06:00Marc:But that's as far as it went.

01:06:04Marc:No, I was hopeful.

01:06:06Marc:And now, you know, as I get older, and you start to realize how politics works.

01:06:10Marc:I mean, you studied it, right?

01:06:11Marc:Yeah.

01:06:12Marc:It's amazing fucking anything gets done anywhere.

01:06:14Marc:Yeah.

01:06:14Marc:And you become very disillusioned because if you start talking about politics, I had to talk radio for a while, and you realize, like, holy fuck, have I even had my own thought in a year?

01:06:24Marc:Or am I just recycling this bullshit that I hear from either side?

01:06:27Marc:Right.

01:06:28Marc:And then, yeah, I mean, it's difficult because, you know...

01:06:31Marc:The scariest thing about having your own thought is that it might be you honestly don't give a fuck.

01:06:36Marc:And that's a horrendous moment where you're like, I'm angry about being me.

01:06:44Marc:And then you've really got to decide.

01:06:45Marc:Because a lot of people don't realize when you get through this whole political process that legislation takes time.

01:06:51Marc:For people to do the right thing takes time.

01:06:54Marc:And most politicians are just fucking corporate whores and the whole system is just a weird, it's a money laundering front.

01:07:00Yeah.

01:07:01Guest:Look at the whole thing right now with the money and politics.

01:07:05Guest:It's unbelievable.

01:07:05Guest:It's ridiculous.

01:07:07Guest:The Supreme Court recently ruled that money is a form of free speech.

01:07:10Guest:So all these, what do you call them, the PACs?

01:07:14Guest:The PACs, yeah.

01:07:15Guest:Super PACs, millions of dollars, trashing the other guy.

01:07:18Guest:It's out of control.

01:07:20Guest:But the reason they can do it, they say, well, money is a form of free speech.

01:07:24Guest:Money is a form of free speech.

01:07:25Guest:How much speech does the middle class have?

01:07:27Guest:How much speech do the unemployed have?

01:07:29Guest:How much does speech, you know, the average person in this country have?

01:07:32Guest:If money's a form of free speech, lack of money has got to be considered lack of speech.

01:07:36Guest:So in my campaign, I'm saying next April 15th, when the federal government wants our tax dollars, I suggest we all write letters to Washington basically saying, listen, we'd love to pay you, but to be perfectly honest, we're speechless.

01:07:49Marc:Jimmy Tingle, ladies and gentlemen.

01:07:53Marc:Great.

01:07:54Marc:Let's move down one.

01:07:55Marc:Or you can go wherever you want.

01:07:56Marc:You can go.

01:07:57Marc:Yeah, that's fine.

01:07:58Marc:You know what amazes me, though, about all the money that goes into commercials and shit?

01:08:02Marc:If you're a person that's for somebody in a deep way one day, and you watch one 60-second ad, and you go, I don't know anymore.

01:08:11Marc:You're a fucking moron.

01:08:13Marc:I mean, do you ever watch those ads?

01:08:14Marc:Like, do these really work?

01:08:15Marc:Are people that fucking spineless that they're all for somebody and then like 60 seconds of mind fucking and they're like, oh shit, maybe I don't know.

01:08:27Marc:This next guy is another great comedian from Boston, and he helped a lot of guys out all along the way.

01:08:33Marc:Sweet guy and hilarious.

01:08:34Guest:Please welcome Tony V. Look at this.

01:08:43Marc:Look at you.

01:08:49Guest:Tony V.

01:08:52Guest:Yes.

01:08:53Guest:I remember.

01:08:53Guest:Yes, I was there.

01:08:56Guest:Do you remember?

01:08:57Guest:I did it all.

01:08:57Guest:I did some of it.

01:08:59Guest:I was in charge of a lot of it.

01:09:02Guest:Where'd you come from?

01:09:02Guest:Yes.

01:09:03Guest:I grew up in Somerville, Massachusetts.

01:09:04Guest:What, tonight, though?

01:09:05Guest:That was Somerville.

01:09:06Guest:Yeah.

01:09:07Guest:Well, from tonight, I was over at the Seaport Trade Center doing a show to a thousand dentists.

01:09:16Yeah.

01:09:17Guest:How was that?

01:09:18Guest:Those people got a laugh.

01:09:19Guest:They got a rough life.

01:09:21Guest:They do.

01:09:22Guest:Yeah, they do.

01:09:22Guest:They're just looking at people's smelly mouths all day.

01:09:26Marc:Like no other business do you confront human decay so regularly.

01:09:31Marc:Every day it's like, where's no hope?

01:09:33Guest:Look at you.

01:09:33Guest:You don't even brush your teeth.

01:09:36Guest:What kind of life are you going to have with those molars?

01:09:39Guest:Look at you.

01:09:40Guest:You filthy.

01:09:43Guest:It's just to look at you, I'm going to charge you $1,400.

01:09:46Guest:Okay.

01:09:47Guest:Rinse and spit.

01:09:50Guest:That's their whole day.

01:09:51Guest:That's their whole line of reasoning.

01:09:53Marc:Rinse and spit.

01:09:56Guest:There's a convention of 27,000 dentists.

01:10:00Guest:Right now?

01:10:01Guest:Yeah, in this very city.

01:10:02Guest:Some might be here.

01:10:03Guest:I don't know.

01:10:04Guest:Any dentists here?

01:10:05Guest:Any dentists?

01:10:06Guest:Sure, they were over there.

01:10:08Guest:And there was like a thousand of them where they have fucking car shows and whatnot.

01:10:14Guest:And then they moved out the Irox and put in dentists.

01:10:20Guest:They were just the shiny.

01:10:22Guest:They were just the shiny.

01:10:24Guest:A couple guys from Rivera riding a few of them.

01:10:26Guest:Hey, out of my way.

01:10:27Guest:Come on, fucking move.

01:10:29Guest:You got a problem with me?

01:10:29Guest:Come on, let's move it.

01:10:30Guest:Come on.

01:10:32Guest:So, no, yeah, I was over there.

01:10:33Guest:It was a sweet gig.

01:10:33Guest:It was me, Lenny Clark, and Steve Sweeney.

01:10:37Guest:Oh, God, that's a good show.

01:10:38Guest:Yeah, it was like the fucking Mount Rushmore of Boston comedy.

01:10:42Guest:You're going to carve a statue to us over there sometimes, but it was good.

01:10:45Marc:Fucking Dennis, you know, it's a racket.

01:10:47Marc:Did you ever feel that way?

01:10:48Marc:Because, like, I don't mean to make it about me, but I went in.

01:10:51Marc:Good.

01:10:52Marc:It's your show.

01:10:52Marc:Go ahead.

01:10:53Guest:I went in for a fucking.

01:10:54Guest:I don't even know how to find a podcast.

01:10:57Yeah.

01:10:57Guest:You know what I mean?

01:10:58Guest:They go, it's a very popular podcast.

01:11:00Guest:They go, where do you buy that?

01:11:01Marc:Yeah, you're like my father.

01:11:02Guest:He's been on the show twice.

01:11:03Guest:He doesn't know how to get it.

01:11:05Guest:They go, is there any danger of the kids getting this?

01:11:08Guest:I have no idea where it is.

01:11:09Guest:I don't know.

01:11:10Guest:It's just fucking lights.

01:11:11Marc:It's like you have a computer, right?

01:11:14Guest:Your podcast is out there now.

01:11:16Marc:Yeah.

01:11:16Marc:It's happening.

01:11:17Guest:It's probably over our heads right now.

01:11:19Guest:It's flying around.

01:11:20Guest:It's fucking ridiculous.

01:11:21Guest:It's witches and nymphs.

01:11:23Guest:Really?

01:11:23Guest:That's where we're at?

01:11:25Guest:I don't know.

01:11:26Guest:Do you know?

01:11:26Guest:You can hit one of those buttons and little people fly around back down.

01:11:30Guest:I don't fucking know what's going on.

01:11:32Guest:Do you live in the woods?

01:11:33Guest:Yeah.

01:11:34Guest:I live in the woods of Charlestown.

01:11:38Guest:I got the one tree in Charlestown and it's right in front of my house.

01:11:42Guest:That's the woods.

01:11:42Guest:Hey, get out of my woods, you guys.

01:11:46Guest:Trying to have a little solitude over here, you fucks.

01:11:48Guest:Come on.

01:11:50Guest:I got six feet of property and a tree.

01:11:52Guest:That's what I got.

01:11:53Guest:That's the woods.

01:11:54Guest:I got a tree house and a hammock.

01:11:59Guest:People come by, don't bother him.

01:12:01Guest:It's all right.

01:12:02Guest:He's the king of the forest.

01:12:03Guest:I got a little lake in the backyard.

01:12:04Guest:I got bird feeders.

01:12:05Guest:I got everything.

01:12:07Marc:You were, like Bobby Goldthwait was on my show.

01:12:09Marc:Yeah.

01:12:10Marc:One of my oldest friends in the world.

01:12:12Marc:Right, and you're like the second half of many of the stories he told me.

01:12:15Guest:Every time there's a Goldthwait story, I'm involved because it's me and back him going, go ahead.

01:12:20Yeah.

01:12:21Guest:How much can four Marines hurt us?

01:12:25Marc:You know?

01:12:26Marc:He told some story about the Lynyrd Skynyrd thing.

01:12:28Marc:Oh, we were doing a show.

01:12:30Guest:This is a while back.

01:12:31Guest:We were in Atlanta, Georgia.

01:12:33Guest:Yeah.

01:12:33Guest:And I was hosting.

01:12:35Guest:And this is how long ago it was.

01:12:38Guest:Dennis Miller was opening the show.

01:12:41Guest:And Goldthwait was closing it.

01:12:42Guest:It was a big amphitheater.

01:12:44Guest:Yeah.

01:12:44Guest:You know, like outside people were on a hill with blankets.

01:12:47Guest:And then there were the rich people down front and had tables with candlelight and shit.

01:12:51Yeah.

01:12:51Guest:It's in Atlanta, Georgia, and we do the show, and it's going really well.

01:12:54Guest:And I think any time you get past the Mason-Dixon line, someone has to yell, Skinner!

01:13:01Guest:Skinner, dude!

01:13:03Guest:Woo!

01:13:04Guest:Skinner!

01:13:04Guest:So these people start yelling, Skinner!

01:13:07Guest:For no reason.

01:13:08Guest:Goldthwait's on stage.

01:13:09Guest:I'm in the wings waiting.

01:13:11Guest:And this guy, Woo!

01:13:13Guest:Skinner!

01:13:14Guest:And Goldthwait goes, They're dead.

01:13:16LAUGHTER

01:13:17Guest:They're dead.

01:13:19Guest:They're dead.

01:13:20Guest:They're dead.

01:13:22Guest:If they were here, they couldn't be here because they're dead.

01:13:27Guest:They're not coming back.

01:13:29Guest:The South's not going to rise again.

01:13:31Guest:There's no chickens in the bread pan picking out dough.

01:13:36Guest:Leonard Skinner is fucking dead.

01:13:41Guest:And he must have said dead 150 times.

01:13:43Guest:I don't know how many times he actually said it.

01:13:47Guest:And the crew comes up to me in the back and they go, dude, you gotta calm them down because they're here.

01:13:54Guest:I go, who's here?

01:13:55Guest:They go, the surviving members of Leonard Skinner.

01:14:00Guest:I go, what?

01:14:01Guest:He goes, yeah, they flew from Florida.

01:14:03Guest:They had a gig in Florida, and they came to see Goldthwait.

01:14:07Guest:I go, well, he's my best friend in the world, but he's fucking on his own.

01:14:12Guest:You know, he goes, you got to go out there.

01:14:14Guest:I go, I'm not going out there.

01:14:16Guest:So then all of a sudden, crawling up on the stage are like these woolly biker-looking dudes.

01:14:21Guest:You know what I mean?

01:14:22Guest:And it's the surviving members...

01:14:24Guest:Of Leonard Skinner.

01:14:25Guest:And they got their laminates on and the whole thing.

01:14:28Guest:And Goldthwait breaks character completely.

01:14:30Guest:He goes, Tony, start the car.

01:14:36Guest:And I get the guy who's driving us.

01:14:37Guest:I go, have that car pointed out.

01:14:40Guest:Get a towel and a shirt and let's go.

01:14:43Guest:And he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Leonard fucking Skinner introduces him, hands him the mic, walked off stage, got in the car and we drove off.

01:14:53Guest:They could still be on stage.

01:14:55Guest:They could still be on stage.

01:14:58Guest:Oh, that's fucking great.

01:15:01Guest:You know, I was telling you yesterday, the last show we ever did together around here.

01:15:07Guest:Me and you?

01:15:08Guest:Yeah, you and I. Hey, hey, just because of my meager exterior, I'm thinking.

01:15:17Guest:It was a place called Johnny Yee's.

01:15:19Guest:Johnny Yee's down the Cape.

01:15:21Guest:Where was it?

01:15:22Guest:Yarmouth?

01:15:22Guest:Yarmouth.

01:15:23Guest:And there's an affinity.

01:15:26Guest:Yeah.

01:15:27Guest:At the Rotary.

01:15:27Guest:Right at the Rotary.

01:15:28Guest:Johnny Yee's.

01:15:29Guest:And Johnny Yee has the best quote I've ever heard in my life about my buddy Tom Bailey, who's a very funny comedian.

01:15:35Guest:Yeah, how's he doing?

01:15:35Guest:He's doing great.

01:15:36Guest:He's not doing comedy anymore.

01:15:38Guest:But he's watching Tommy on stage.

01:15:40Guest:And Johnny Yee was this old Chinese guy.

01:15:42Guest:And he looks at me and he goes, I know funny.

01:15:44Guest:He know funny.

01:15:46Guest:He know funny.

01:15:47Marc:You got to sit.

01:15:51Marc:The stage was, like, before the comedy show, they had this huge hula show.

01:15:55Marc:Yeah.

01:15:55Marc:And this guy named Wayne, I think.

01:15:57Marc:Wayne.

01:15:57Marc:Wayne, this 300-pound dude with a beard and his wife.

01:16:00Marc:The stage used to come out onto the dance floor.

01:16:03Marc:Yeah, it would come out from underneath.

01:16:04Marc:Right.

01:16:04Marc:And they had this huge hula show.

01:16:06Marc:Right.

01:16:06Marc:And then they'd clear the room and they'd do the comedy show.

01:16:08Guest:Right.

01:16:08Guest:And he used to juggle or like he had like the baton with flame.

01:16:13Guest:Yeah.

01:16:14Guest:Which you could never get away with.

01:16:15Guest:Yeah.

01:16:16Guest:Thanks to those fucking meatheads in Rhode Island.

01:16:18Guest:You can't get flame anymore.

01:16:20Marc:Yeah.

01:16:21Marc:Blame Whitesnake.

01:16:22Guest:Yeah.

01:16:23Guest:What did we lose there?

01:16:24Guest:Whitesnake fans.

01:16:26Guest:Oh.

01:16:28Guest:They ruined kabuki dancing.

01:16:32Guest:Skinner!

01:16:33Guest:I'm just sure we'd save some woman from a beating.

01:16:37Guest:So anyway, not the story.

01:16:40Guest:Not the story.

01:16:42Guest:I didn't come here for that.

01:16:43Guest:I did not come here for that.

01:16:45Guest:To teach, yes.

01:16:49Guest:Because I'm a helper.

01:16:50Guest:I'm a helper.

01:16:51Guest:So we're doing the show, and again, Goldthwait's involved in this.

01:16:55Guest:You were on the bill.

01:16:56Guest:I was closing.

01:16:57Guest:I remember, and Goldthwait just sat there.

01:16:58Guest:And Goldthwait, he was just visiting.

01:17:00Guest:He wouldn't go on.

01:17:01Guest:And there was a married couple, which we didn't know at the time, but they just got married that day, and they were having their wedding day at Johnny Yee's.

01:17:09Guest:Yeah.

01:17:10Guest:This Chinese restaurant on the K. And this woman is heckling brutally.

01:17:18Guest:She's shit-faced out of her mind.

01:17:20Guest:And she's just ruining the fucking show.

01:17:22Guest:And Mark is doing yeoman's work.

01:17:24Guest:You're doing yeoman's work trying to shut her up.

01:17:26Guest:You're trying to engage her, but she's shit-faced.

01:17:29Guest:You did not call her a cunt.

01:17:31Guest:Although I might add she was acting in a very cunt-like manner.

01:17:37Guest:And you resisted, you know?

01:17:39Guest:And so there was nothing going on.

01:17:42Guest:So whatever you did, it wasn't working.

01:17:45Guest:So finally, they had a cop on duty, and they came and tried to escort the woman out of the show, and the husband got involved.

01:17:55Guest:And now there's a melee in the back, and you're still on stage, and they're fucking screaming in the back, and the woman's got the cop going, It's my wedding!

01:18:04Guest:I just got married!

01:18:06Guest:I'm on my honeymoon.

01:18:08Guest:You're a fucking asshole.

01:18:11Guest:And the cop cuffs her.

01:18:13Guest:Now the woman's cuffed, right?

01:18:16Guest:You're still on stage trying to get the audience back.

01:18:21Guest:Which is, they're not coming back because there's a woman screaming at a cop and the back handcuffed.

01:18:26Guest:Who could follow that?

01:18:28Guest:And so now the husband starts, and he's yelling at the woman, you and your fucking big mouth.

01:18:35Guest:We can't have one night of fucking peace, even on our goddamn wedding.

01:18:40Guest:Now you're going to end up in jail.

01:18:41Guest:And the cop's going, sir, you got to calm down.

01:18:43Guest:He goes, I know my rights.

01:18:45Guest:And the cop goes, you got the right to shut the fuck up and get in the car with her.

01:18:50Guest:And he cuffs the guy.

01:18:51Guest:Now the newlyweds are in the back of a gun.

01:18:55Guest:of the cop car on their way to the who's gal.

01:18:59Guest:And then you introduced me and I just get up on stage and I go, any newlyweds in the party?

01:19:10Marc:Tony Mee, ladies and gentlemen.

01:19:14Marc:Is Frank back there?

01:19:15Marc:Yeah, he's there.

01:19:15Marc:Oh, good.

01:19:16Marc:Let's move down one.

01:19:20Marc:That was awesome.

01:19:22Marc:This next guy, I'm thrilled to see.

01:19:23Marc:I haven't seen him in years.

01:19:24Marc:We worked together on Comedy Central on Short Attentions Bad Theater.

01:19:27Marc:He was my sidekick.

01:19:28Marc:Frank Santarelli, ladies and gentlemen, from the Sopranos as well.

01:19:34Marc:Hey!

01:19:37Guest:Oh, my God.

01:19:40Guest:When do we get paid?

01:19:41Guest:Right after.

01:19:41Guest:I got it right here.

01:19:44Marc:You want to do it in front of people?

01:19:47Marc:How are you, man?

01:19:48Marc:I'm good.

01:19:48Marc:You look great.

01:19:49Marc:You too, man.

01:19:50Marc:I haven't seen you in fucking forever.

01:19:51Marc:I know.

01:19:52Marc:I saw you on TV with a bartender and a soprano.

01:19:54Marc:Yes.

01:19:54Marc:Yeah, that was you.

01:19:55Marc:Every time you come on, I'm like, fucking Frank!

01:19:58Guest:When I shot that, they would screech like Thunderdome, the crew.

01:20:02Guest:Yeah.

01:20:03Guest:Because every time I got on, I would get the shit kicked out of them.

01:20:07Guest:and I'd walk in on the crew grass and go, George!

01:20:10Guest:And scream.

01:20:12Guest:Because there was blood.

01:20:13Marc:It was really cool.

01:20:16Marc:Can you do me a favor?

01:20:17Marc:Sure.

01:20:17Marc:There's a story that you have that, like, I've retold badly.

01:20:23Marc:But I always credit you.

01:20:24Marc:But it's one of the best stories in the world.

01:20:26Marc:I'm going to whisper to you.

01:20:31Guest:Oh, shit.

01:20:34Guest:Yes.

01:20:35Guest:The Rockland Holiday Inn.

01:20:40Guest:It's this huge money maker for the people that are booking the room.

01:20:44Guest:Barry Katz and Paul Wayne.

01:20:48Guest:Paul Wayne?

01:20:48Guest:What happened to that guy?

01:20:49Guest:I don't know.

01:20:50Guest:He's crazy now.

01:20:51Guest:What do you mean?

01:20:52Guest:He's legitimately crazy and lives in a yurt.

01:20:55Guest:He's happily married.

01:20:57Guest:He lives in Newburyport.

01:20:59Guest:That's not the story.

01:21:00Guest:He had heart surgery and he's doing a lot better now.

01:21:03Guest:Oh, okay.

01:21:04Guest:Apparently he's not crazy anymore.

01:21:06Guest:The last time I heard him, he was crazy, but apparently he straightened himself up.

01:21:10Guest:And he's crazy.

01:21:11Marc:He's still crazy, but he's got a wife.

01:21:13Marc:If he thinks he's out there, he's fucking nuts.

01:21:15Guest:Yeah.

01:21:16Marc:All right, so anyway.

01:21:17Marc:I'm sorry, was I talking?

01:21:18Guest:Go ahead.

01:21:19Marc:Thank you, Frank.

01:21:20Marc:Rockland Holiday Inn.

01:21:22Guest:There was nothing happening, so we jumped in.

01:21:25Guest:I'm sitting next to Mark.

01:21:26Marc:It's my fault.

01:21:27Guest:Anyway, guys, two tabletops, 12-12 like this, and they're crazy.

01:21:32Guest:They mess up the first comic.

01:21:34Marc:Heckling, just heckling.

01:21:35Guest:Heckling.

01:21:35Guest:They're doing blow in the bathrooms.

01:21:37Guest:They're coming back in.

01:21:39Guest:And you can see them, you know, and they're crazy.

01:21:41Guest:They're screaming at the comic and they eat up the first two comics.

01:21:44Guest:And I'm going over to the bouncer and I'm going, listen, you got to stop this.

01:21:47Guest:This isn't fucking good.

01:21:49Guest:So he goes over, tries to shut them up.

01:21:51Guest:They don't listen.

01:21:53Guest:So I get up on stage and I go, okay, here's what we're going to do.

01:21:55Guest:We're going to play a little different game.

01:21:57Guest:I'm going to talk and you guys are going to shut the fuck up.

01:22:00Guest:And they don't.

01:22:03Guest:They keep talking and keep talking and I go, fuck it.

01:22:06Guest:And I get up and I walk off stage this way.

01:22:09Guest:Just like you guys here, and there's a door right there, and I go, if this door doesn't fucking open, I'm fucked.

01:22:16Guest:And I go, and I open it up, and it opens, and I go, and I shut the door.

01:22:19Guest:It's the kitchen.

01:22:21Guest:These guys are washing, and they go, what the fuck?

01:22:24Guest:And I'm like, motherfucker.

01:22:27Guest:And the bouncer's going over to these tables.

01:22:28Guest:They're throwing them out.

01:22:29Guest:They're throwing them out of the club, you know.

01:22:31Guest:And so I peek in, you know, about a minute, two minutes, and they get everybody out of there.

01:22:36Guest:One guy's like this.

01:22:38Guest:Oh, no, I'm not leaving.

01:22:39Guest:I'm not fucking leaving.

01:22:41Guest:Come on, buddy.

01:22:42Guest:You got to go.

01:22:42Guest:Let's go.

01:22:43Guest:I walk back in the room.

01:22:44Guest:I go, hey, John, that's okay.

01:22:47Guest:Let him go.

01:22:48Guest:Let him go.

01:22:49Guest:So I walk over to the guy.

01:22:50Guest:I go, hey, buddy, how you doing?

01:22:52Guest:He goes, good.

01:22:56Guest:I go, so, you and your buddies, huh?

01:22:59Guest:You fucked up the show.

01:23:00Guest:You and your buddies fucked up the show.

01:23:03Guest:I said, all these people came to see a comedy show, and you guys fucked up the show.

01:23:08Guest:And he goes like this.

01:23:10Guest:He starts to cry.

01:23:12Guest:He's going, I go, how do you feel about that?

01:23:18Guest:Huh?

01:23:19Guest:He goes, it's my birthday.

01:23:24Guest:I'm not kidding.

01:23:26Guest:Everyone turned on me.

01:23:28Guest:It was unfuckable.

01:23:28Guest:Woman got up and went, you're not funny.

01:23:32Guest:So I go, what the fuck?

01:23:34Guest:I go, these were children.

01:23:35Guest:I had them thrown out.

01:23:37Guest:They're doing fucking cocaine in the bathrooms.

01:23:39Guest:Are you kidding me?

01:23:40Guest:People are going, you ruined his birthday.

01:23:45Guest:So I go, fuck it.

01:23:47Guest:Show's over.

01:23:48Guest:There's nowhere to go, but straight through the crowd.

01:23:50Guest:There's no aisle.

01:23:52Guest:I'm pushing my way.

01:23:56Guest:And I fucking make my way out into the fucking hallway and I go, bam, and I kick the door open and there's the 16 people I just had thrown out.

01:24:04Guest:They go, there he is right there.

01:24:06Guest:And they come at me and I'm standing against the fucking wall.

01:24:08Guest:I'm like, motherfuckers.

01:24:09Guest:And they come at me like this and they want to fight me.

01:24:11Guest:It's unbelievable.

01:24:13Guest:So I push my way past these people and I walk out in the parking lot.

01:24:16Guest:Meanwhile, I parked a quarter mile from the fucking front of the club.

01:24:19Guest:And I'm walking on a freezing cold like this to my car.

01:24:22Guest:And I hear footsteps.

01:24:24Guest:Somebody's coming.

01:24:25Guest:I go, this is it.

01:24:26Guest:It's a fight to the death.

01:24:28Guest:And I turn around, it's the guy whose birthday it was.

01:24:31Guest:He goes, where the fuck you going?

01:24:33Guest:Where the fuck you going?

01:24:34Guest:Listen, man, we got blow.

01:24:35Guest:We're going to party.

01:24:36Guest:I know Mike Clark.

01:24:37Guest:I know Lenny Clark.

01:24:39Guest:I was at the Hagler fight with him.

01:24:41Guest:Come on, man.

01:24:42Guest:I go, yeah, okay, okay.

01:24:43Guest:Yeah, sure, sure.

01:24:43Guest:And I get my keys out and I'm talking to him.

01:24:45Guest:He's like, come on, man, we'll go to the back.

01:24:46Guest:Okay, yeah.

01:24:46Guest:I go, I shut the door.

01:24:48Guest:I click it.

01:24:49Guest:He goes, where you go?

01:24:50Guest:Bam, he punches the glass.

01:24:52Guest:kicks my door.

01:24:53Guest:I go, and I drive away out into the parking lot.

01:24:57Guest:As I'm driving away, there's the 16 people coming out.

01:24:59Guest:They throw cans and fucking keys at my car.

01:25:04Guest:And I drive out into the night.

01:25:05Guest:That's so good.

01:25:12Guest:That's the best story ever.

01:25:15Guest:So it's not over.

01:25:16Guest:The next Monday morning,

01:25:21Guest:The guy from the Holiday Inn was on vacation.

01:25:24Guest:The owner of the Holiday Inns, they called him.

01:25:27Guest:He was in Hawaii.

01:25:28Guest:Apparently, he calls the club and says, who's this motherfucker, Frank Sanarelli, that had people thrown out of my club?

01:25:35Guest:And that was it.

01:25:36Guest:They lost the room.

01:25:38Guest:And the other side of it is there was a town meeting in Rockland.

01:25:44Guest:To end comedy there.

01:25:45Guest:And comedy was banned.

01:25:46Guest:They banned it.

01:25:47Guest:They banned comedy because of Frank Santorelli.

01:25:49Guest:Yes.

01:25:52Guest:Yes.

01:25:52Guest:Wait.

01:25:53Guest:Yes.

01:25:54Guest:It was a complete footloose moment.

01:26:01Guest:So the kicker is they lose the room for like a month.

01:26:05Guest:And then they give it back to them.

01:26:07Guest:In their first week, Teddy Bergeron.

01:26:11Guest:That's an inside joke for us.

01:26:14Guest:What's he doing?

01:26:15Guest:He's living with Bob Gautreaux.

01:26:18Guest:Really?

01:26:18Guest:Is that bad or good?

01:26:20Marc:Weird.

01:26:21Guest:Yeah.

01:26:21Marc:You know, Bergeron was a mythic personality.

01:26:28Marc:He used to call me the marinated man.

01:26:32Marc:Look at the marinated man.

01:26:35Marc:But there's, I don't know, there's a story that's either attributed to him or John Fox, you know that story?

01:26:41Marc:About the comics on stage, in the middle of his set, and blood starts coming out of his nose.

01:26:47Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:26:48Marc:Is that Bergeron?

01:26:48Marc:No, that's Ollie Joe Prater.

01:26:50Guest:That's Ollie Joe Prater.

01:26:51Guest:Yeah, no, isn't it the one who's talking, you know, he's doing his set, you know, blood, and it's all over his hand.

01:27:00Guest:And he looks at the eyes and they go, and he goes, what the fuck's wrong?

01:27:05Guest:Don't you know how to party?

01:27:13Guest:He was 400 pounds, right?

01:27:16Guest:He had gout.

01:27:18Guest:He had funny jokes, man.

01:27:20Guest:When you come home at 3 o'clock in the morning, a frozen pork chop is not that bad.

01:27:28Guest:Teddy's a little down on his luck, but he still works, he still puts on a good show, and a lot of people put him down, but he did the Tonight Show, he did the Letterman Show, back when it wasn't easy to get on those shows, and it's better to be a has-been than it never was.

01:27:43Guest:There you go.

01:27:44Marc:He had some of the best jokes ever.

01:27:47Marc:She's on a wire.

01:27:49Marc:She's on a wire.

01:27:50Marc:There's no Santa Claus and she's on a wire.

01:27:53Marc:I guess you should need to set up for that.

01:27:57Marc:He's at Peter Pan with his father.

01:27:59Guest:His father was this character.

01:28:00Guest:She's flying through the theater and he goes, she's on a wire.

01:28:04Guest:She's on a wire.

01:28:07Guest:There's no Santa Claus and she's on a wire.

01:28:10Guest:If she falls on you, you'll die.

01:28:12Guest:If you live, you'll be a vegetable.

01:28:16Guest:He was definitely one of the more... He was great.

01:28:21Marc:What was the other joke about the baseball game when he's playing baseball?

01:28:24Guest:He's going to drop it.

01:28:25Guest:That's my kid.

01:28:26Guest:He's out in right field.

01:28:26Guest:He's going to drop it.

01:28:27Guest:Look at him.

01:28:28Guest:I told you, he's going to drop it.

01:28:29Guest:Here comes the ball.

01:28:30Guest:He's going to drop it.

01:28:31Guest:He dropped it.

01:28:34Guest:They're kicking around on the outfield.

01:28:39Guest:My favorite Teddy joke was, we will attack when the golden rays of the sun hit upon the wall from the north.

01:28:44Guest:In the morning?

01:28:45Marc:Yeah, in the morning.

01:28:49Marc:Frank Sanarelli said one of the greatest things ever to me.

01:28:52Marc:There was a moment when we used to work together on that show.

01:28:55Guest:Did anybody see that short attention span theater?

01:28:59Guest:I was the elevator man.

01:29:00Guest:Yeah.

01:29:01Marc:And one time you wanted to talk about football.

01:29:04Marc:We were like sitting there waiting to shoot.

01:29:05Marc:And you started talking about football.

01:29:06Marc:And I said, I said, I don't really get into sports.

01:29:10Marc:And he looked at me like I just punched you in the soul.

01:29:13Marc:He looked at me like with such confusion and sympathy.

01:29:18Marc:And he looks and he says, then how do you feel alive?

01:29:21Marc:Yeah.

01:29:23Guest:Remember William Shatner?

01:29:24Guest:Yeah.

01:29:25Guest:William Shatner comes on.

01:29:27Guest:It's unbelievable.

01:29:27Guest:And so I'm dressed as an elevator man.

01:29:31Guest:And I walk over.

01:29:32Guest:I go, Mr. Shatner, I'm Frank Santorelli.

01:29:35Guest:I'm the elevator man in the next shot.

01:29:36Guest:He's sitting in a chair and he goes, are you a real elevator man?

01:29:43Guest:And then Mark's talking to him.

01:29:44Guest:This is William Shatner.

01:29:46Guest:He worked his ass off to get on the show.

01:29:48Guest:He wanted to promote things.

01:29:49Guest:He was an animal.

01:29:50Guest:And he's in this chair next to Mark, and they're talking, and the bottom of the chair breaks.

01:29:57Guest:And he goes, boom, and his knees are up like this.

01:30:00Guest:And without missing a beat, he went, you know, I'm a big star.

01:30:04Guest:There were some big stars on that show, man.

01:30:12Marc:When we did the interviews, yeah.

01:30:13Marc:We had, what, Gary Marshall, Billy Crystal, Shatner came.

01:30:16Guest:Lassie?

01:30:17Marc:Oh, God.

01:30:19Guest:Lassie wouldn't get in the elevator.

01:30:20Marc:Yeah.

01:30:21Guest:Because it was moving.

01:30:21Guest:They faked like it was a real elevator, so they would move it, shake it like this.

01:30:24Marc:Yeah.

01:30:25Marc:I think I blocked some of that out.

01:30:27Marc:Yeah.

01:30:27Marc:The entire show is composed of promotional clips that we sort of wrangled into a show.

01:30:32Marc:And one time I remember Leslie Nelson came, and he had that fucking fart toy.

01:30:37Marc:Leslie Nelson traveled with a fart toy.

01:30:39Marc:It was ridiculous.

01:30:40Marc:And he was known for it.

01:30:42Marc:They said they were going to interview him, and then people were like, he's going to have his fart toy.

01:30:45Marc:And I'm like, what are you fucking talking about?

01:30:47Marc:And he'd just be sitting there talking to him, and all of a sudden you hear like...

01:30:51Marc:And he wouldn't break a face.

01:30:52Marc:And you just sort of had to sit there and deal with it.

01:30:54Marc:You had to wait for him.

01:30:55Guest:He used to do it on an elevator.

01:30:57Guest:He'd be on an elevator.

01:30:59Guest:You know, like that.

01:31:03Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:31:04Guest:He would carry it around with him.

01:31:06Guest:So you doing all right?

01:31:07Guest:I'm doing good, man.

01:31:08Marc:You got a good Gandolfini story or anything happen there?

01:31:13Guest:Yes.

01:31:14Guest:One time, well, it was the first time I was there.

01:31:17Guest:They put these big tattoos on me.

01:31:19Guest:And they're wet, you know?

01:31:21Guest:And I just met Gandolfini an hour before.

01:31:24Guest:And he comes up behind me, and he gives me a bear hug.

01:31:27Guest:You know how guys are?

01:31:27Guest:He goes, Georgie!

01:31:28Guest:And he picks me up and puts me down.

01:31:30Guest:And the ink is all over his fucking clothes.

01:31:34Guest:And I'm talking, you know, $75 cream-colored shirt.

01:31:36Guest:His pants are ruined.

01:31:38Guest:And the AD goes, stay away from Jim.

01:31:42Guest:Just do us a favor and stay away from Jim.

01:31:46Guest:An hour later, he comes back in the room.

01:31:48Guest:They have to run out to the city to buy clothes for him.

01:31:50Guest:If you know anything about television, it's got to be exactly the same.

01:31:53Guest:He sits down at the bar.

01:31:54Guest:It's a real bar.

01:31:55Guest:I get a shot.

01:31:57Guest:Glass.

01:31:58Guest:I get real antisept.

01:31:59Guest:I pour it into a glass.

01:32:01Guest:He looks up.

01:32:02Guest:He takes the glass.

01:32:03Guest:He does the shot.

01:32:04Guest:He thought it was water.

01:32:06Guest:He goes.

01:32:07Guest:He runs off.

01:32:10Guest:The director goes, stay away from Jim.

01:32:15Guest:45 minutes later, he comes back home.

01:32:19Guest:He goes, what the fuck is wrong with you?

01:32:22Guest:I said, how did you not see that it was real booze?

01:32:25Guest:He goes, I thought it was water.

01:32:26Guest:Don't do that.

01:32:29Guest:So he's supposed to be pissed.

01:32:32Guest:He's supposed to be pissed the whole fucking time.

01:32:33Guest:He's on the show, you know?

01:32:35Guest:So I walk over to him, and everybody was doing lines from The Godfather and everything.

01:32:38Guest:I walk over.

01:32:39Guest:I go, did you fuck my wife?

01:32:42Guest:He laughs.

01:32:43Guest:He starts laughing.

01:32:44Guest:He walks out to the director and goes, stay the fuck away from Jim.

01:32:47Guest:I told you to stay away from him.

01:32:49Guest:Three times in like an hour.

01:32:50Guest:Frank Santarelli, ladies and gentlemen.

01:32:52Guest:That's our show.

01:32:53Marc:Keep it going for Frank Santarelli, Tony V, Jimmy Dingle, Mike Donovan, Kenny Rogerson.

01:32:59Marc:You were fucking great, Boston.

01:33:02Marc:I appreciate you listening to my show.

01:33:05Marc:Let's bring up that music.

01:33:08Marc:Thank you for listening.

01:33:10Marc:Great audience.

01:33:14Marc:I'll be out front.

01:33:15Marc:Jimmy will be out front.

01:33:17Marc:These guys are legends.

01:33:20Marc:Legends.

01:33:49you