Episode 247 - Ralphie May

Episode 247 • Released January 22, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:15Marc:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:Okay, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fuck nicks, what the fuckstables, what the fuckericans, what the fucking avians.

00:00:33Marc:That's it.

00:00:34Marc:That's enough.

00:00:35Marc:I need to check the list.

00:00:36Marc:I am Mark Maron.

00:00:37Marc:This is WTF.

00:00:38Marc:Today on the show, Ralphie May, the long-awaited interview with Ralphie May.

00:00:44Marc:Not yet.

00:00:45Marc:Let me do some business first.

00:00:47Marc:I will be this weekend on Friday at the Mangers Comedy Festival in Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater for a live WTF and a live stand-up show.

00:00:58Marc:Stand-up show, I believe, is at 7.

00:01:00Marc:The WTF is at 10.

00:01:01Marc:It's going to be great.

00:01:02Marc:Got a lot of great Boston comics on that show.

00:01:05Marc:And then I will be at Sketch Fest in San Francisco February 3rd and 4th doing a live WTF up there and some other shows.

00:01:13Marc:Going to be in Oklahoma City February 18th.

00:01:15Marc:at the City Center for the Fowler VW Presents Me, Mark Maron.

00:01:21Marc:Then I will be in Vancouver February 24th for a WTF with Bob and David.

00:01:27Marc:Bob Odenkirk, David Cross.

00:01:30Marc:That's sold out.

00:01:31Marc:March 8th through 10th.

00:01:32Marc:Acme.

00:01:34Marc:Minneapolis.

00:01:34Marc:Excited.

00:01:35Marc:March 15th.

00:01:37Marc:Grand Rapids, Michigan at the Gilda's Laugh Fest.

00:01:40Marc:Going to do a live WTF there.

00:01:42Marc:I believe Alan Zweibel is going to be on that show.

00:01:47Marc:pow i just shit my pants just coffee.coop but it's not i gotta be honest with you i gotta be honest with you i got a gift i got a gift from my friend tom rhodes we were gonna drink this together but we never pulled it together it's in a small glass jar a fancy little glass jar

00:02:09Marc:And on the front, it says Mira Agro Wasada Kopi Luwak Peaberry Coffee.

00:02:19Marc:Now, look, I'm not I'm not cheating on just coffee, but this was a special thing.

00:02:22Marc:It's in a fancy little glass bottle.

00:02:25Marc:And I don't know if you know about this stuff, but I will tell you right now about it.

00:02:29Marc:Let's read it.

00:02:30Marc:Kopi Luwak Coffee comes from the Indonesia island.

00:02:35Marc:an area well known for its excellent coffee.

00:02:38Marc:Also native to the area is a small civet-like animal called a paradoxorus.

00:02:45Marc:The locals call them luwax.

00:02:48Marc:These little mammals live in the trees, and one of their favorite foods is the red ripe coffee cherry.

00:02:54Marc:They eat the cherries, bean and all.

00:02:57Marc:While the bean is in the little guy's stomach, it undergoes chemical treatment and fermentations.

00:03:03Marc:The bean finishes its journey.

00:03:06Marc:through the digestive system and exits.

00:03:09Marc:The still intact beans are collected from the forest floor and are cleaned then roasted and ground just like any other coffee.

00:03:17Marc:The resulting coffee is said to be like no other.

00:03:20Marc:It has a rich heavy flavor with hints of caramel and chocolate and shit.

00:03:27Marc:It doesn't say that I added that part.

00:03:29Marc:Other terms used to describe it are earthy, must, and exotic.

00:03:34Marc:I guess musty.

00:03:36Marc:The body is almost syrupy, and it's very smooth.

00:03:40Marc:I've got to be honest with you.

00:03:41Marc:It tastes kind of shitty.

00:03:45Marc:I'm drinking shit berries.

00:03:46Marc:I'm drinking shitted coffee right now.

00:03:48Marc:I don't mean to be crass, but this is one of those things where I'm like, is it the best?

00:03:53Marc:I mean, Christ, he sent it to me in a box.

00:03:55Marc:I pulled it out.

00:03:56Marc:I popped the jar open by accident.

00:03:58Marc:Some of it spilled and I acted like I just spilled powdered gold.

00:04:03Marc:I was very excited about it because it's supposed to be the best in the world.

00:04:06Marc:But even the phrasing, you know, the little guys, they left the Y off musty.

00:04:11Marc:I mean, I think it's sort of a racket to get the rest of the world to drink shit water.

00:04:15Marc:But I don't know.

00:04:16Marc:I like coffee.

00:04:17Marc:Maybe I didn't mix it right.

00:04:19Marc:But needless to say, the fact that a rodent shit these beans out was not a deterrent to me.

00:04:25Marc:That was the selling point.

00:04:28Marc:We will buy anything if it sounds exotic.

00:04:32Marc:Like these are unique because they're berries shitted out by a rodent.

00:04:38Marc:And someone said it was the best.

00:04:39Marc:It sounds like the greatest practical joke I've ever heard.

00:04:45Marc:I'm drinking it though.

00:04:46Marc:I wanted it to be so good.

00:04:48Marc:I wanted to be addicted to it.

00:04:50Marc:I wanted to have to mail order my shit beans from Indonesia.

00:04:56Marc:My luwak shitted beans.

00:04:59Marc:What is a Luwak?

00:05:00Marc:Gotta Google Luwak because I feel close to the Luwak now.

00:05:03Marc:I feel that part of the Luwak's process is now running through me.

00:05:08Marc:That he did the initial work, this little rodent in the jungles of Indonesia.

00:05:12Marc:What if I get some Luwak virus?

00:05:16Marc:Thanks, Tom, for the coffee.

00:05:18Marc:I appreciate the gift.

00:05:20Marc:I wish it was better.

00:05:21Marc:I do.

00:05:23Marc:Maybe I didn't do it right.

00:05:25Marc:I think I've got to stop buying bullshit.

00:05:31Marc:This is like radio stuff, man.

00:05:33Marc:Nice job.

00:05:34Marc:This is like radio stuff.

00:05:36Marc:Ralphie Mae.

00:05:37Marc:Equipment, rather.

00:05:38Marc:I'm sorry.

00:05:38Marc:No, no, you're right.

00:05:39Marc:No, I wasn't being condescending in any way.

00:05:41Marc:Don't ever misunderstand me to be condescending unless I'm being condescending.

00:05:44Marc:Okay.

00:05:44Marc:You'll be able to tell.

00:05:46Marc:I think so.

00:05:46Marc:Like, this is the condescending tone.

00:05:48Marc:Really?

00:05:50Guest:Uh-huh.

00:05:51Marc:Yeah, that's every comic's condescending tone.

00:05:55Marc:That's such an amazing word, isn't it?

00:05:57Marc:There you go.

00:05:58Marc:Really?

00:05:58Marc:Yeah, come on.

00:06:00Marc:So Ralphie Mae is in the garage, just got here.

00:06:02Marc:I'm going to leave the air conditioner off.

00:06:04Marc:Brought a sidekick with you.

00:06:05Guest:Yeah, a pile of mine, Billy Wayne Davis, who works with me all around the country.

00:06:10Guest:Very funny, a Seattle comic via Nashville.

00:06:14Guest:Are you living in Nashville?

00:06:16Guest:We have a house there, we have a house here.

00:06:17Guest:We split our time between the two.

00:06:19Guest:When did you go to Nashville?

00:06:20Guest:About three years ago.

00:06:21Guest:Really?

00:06:22Guest:You and your wife?

00:06:23Guest:Yeah, my wife.

00:06:24Guest:You got babies?

00:06:25Guest:We do.

00:06:26Guest:We have two children, two and four.

00:06:30Guest:My daughter just turned four.

00:06:31Guest:Actually, she turns four on the fifth.

00:06:34Marc:Because, I mean, I can't remember the first time I met you, but I think you were 12.

00:06:39Guest:i think i was uh actually i do i think it was 92 and it was um i was 18 no 20 here in la and you were like living on someone's floor living with jay moore sweeping on a couch or did we hang out did we get high wasn't well i don't think i was sober yet

00:06:59Guest:No, you weren't.

00:07:00Guest:You started off with marijuana, then gradually progressed to powders and other stuff and had a great time.

00:07:08Guest:Oh, no, I never did the white.

00:07:09Guest:Okay, I knew I was fat.

00:07:11Guest:Okay, I was very self-aware and I knew the knowledge.

00:07:14Guest:You wanted to live a little bit?

00:07:15Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:16Guest:I still had a lust for life at that point.

00:07:18Marc:But did we hang out and get high?

00:07:19Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:21Guest:At someone's house?

00:07:21Guest:At the last stop in Houston.

00:07:24Marc:Oh, shit.

00:07:24Guest:When Babbitt brought you in and Mitch Hedberg was your feature.

00:07:28Guest:Really?

00:07:29Guest:And I was your opener.

00:07:30Guest:Oh, shit.

00:07:32Guest:And I was 20 years old.

00:07:33Guest:Really?

00:07:34Guest:Yeah.

00:07:34Guest:And I was blown away by you.

00:07:37Guest:That's why I always call you Mr. Mayor, because I thought you were one of the funniest comics I'd ever seen.

00:07:42Guest:And I worked with Bill Hicks.

00:07:44Guest:I fucked that emcee job up.

00:07:45Guest:I called him Bill Hacks the first night.

00:07:47Guest:You did not.

00:07:47Guest:I did, I swear to God.

00:07:48Guest:On purpose?

00:07:49Guest:No, I didn't know.

00:07:50Guest:It was the first sold-out room that Sandy Marcus at the last stop had ever put me in.

00:07:55Guest:And Bill wanted someone who didn't sound like him.

00:07:58Guest:They said, I don't know who it is.

00:08:00Marc:Sleep tight.

00:08:00Guest:Sleep tight.

00:08:02Guest:He was like, just get somebody that's not doing me.

00:08:05Marc:Oh, that's hilarious.

00:08:06Guest:Which was a very hard thing to find at that point.

00:08:08Marc:And how old were you?

00:08:09Guest:When I worked with Hicks, 19.

00:08:12Guest:And when I worked with you, like six months later, I just turned 20.

00:08:16Marc:God, that must have been near the end of Hicks' thing.

00:08:19Guest:Yeah.

00:08:20Marc:He must have been on his way out.

00:08:21Marc:So you've been doing this since you were, like, what, 17?

00:08:24Guest:17, yeah.

00:08:25Marc:Now, where'd you grow up?

00:08:26Marc:I grew up in a little town in Arkansas.

00:08:28Marc:Who the hell grows up there?

00:08:29Marc:What is that like?

00:08:30Marc:Is it as bad as we think?

00:08:32Guest:Yes and no.

00:08:33Guest:I mean, it's naive, okay?

00:08:35Guest:It's definitely naive.

00:08:36Guest:It lacks a sophistication and a worldly view, you know?

00:08:40Guest:But I gained that through Boy Scouts.

00:08:42Guest:At 14, I was in Australia.

00:08:44Guest:I was on staff at the World Jamboree in Australia.

00:08:48Guest:And so I had a more worldly view than my town.

00:08:50Guest:At like seven, I read a map, and I'm like, fuck.

00:08:54Guest:We can leave.

00:08:56Marc:Look at all these exits.

00:08:57Guest:What are we doing here?

00:08:58Marc:But, like, I mean, I can't characterize it.

00:09:00Marc:Like, did you grow up, like, you know, when people say Arkansas, you think, you know, hill people.

00:09:05Guest:There was a lot of them.

00:09:06Guest:There was a lot of them.

00:09:08Guest:We lived in the foothills, a little town called Clarksville, and there was definitely hillbillies.

00:09:12Guest:But there was also, you know, city people that worked and, you know, were educated.

00:09:16Guest:We had a little university in our town, and so it was- What was your family like, though?

00:09:21Marc:Like-

00:09:21Guest:Mine was fucked up, man.

00:09:23Guest:My mom and dad got divorced when I was two.

00:09:25Guest:We moved to Arkansas when I was five, my mom's hometown.

00:09:29Guest:And my grandmother gave us one of her rent houses to live in.

00:09:34Guest:Yeah.

00:09:35Guest:And it had holes you could see through the wall.

00:09:38Guest:You could wave to somebody at your wall.

00:09:41Guest:Really?

00:09:42Guest:And in the winter, it was all...

00:09:44Guest:plasticed up inside like Dexter was about to kill somebody okay all right and and I remember my buddy Russell Bryant uh he stayed over at my house and we were under it was in the winter and we were under like 20 pounds of blankets I mean it was it was just just quilt quilt quilt quilt because the the heater didn't work that well okay and how many kids in the family uh the four

00:10:09Guest:there were four of you and your mom and my mom and my dad didn't pay child support on a regular basis and uh moved from state to state to state to avoid paying child support oh shit and you know i mean do you know that guy yeah yeah yeah and you know what i'm i'm fine with it man uh because dealing with my mom as an adult i realize she is crazy

00:10:28Guest:And so I can't imagine being married to her.

00:10:31Guest:And, you know, so I got it, you know, and he tried to have contact.

00:10:36Guest:And my mom, I mean, mom was she had a house pay for a big like six, four hundred square foot house in Tennessee pay for.

00:10:44Guest:And in three years managed to lose it.

00:10:46Guest:okay she's horrible with money right and he said i had y'all set up to where i would see you every week okay i would see you every night yeah necessary and and your mom she's just crazy she can't deal with it and i'm like and we've had conversations and i'm like i know but she's my crazy mom i love her you know i mean just because you you got a mental dysfunction doesn't mean you get discounted on love but but

00:11:10Guest:But money.

00:11:11Guest:Discounted on money.

00:11:14Guest:Yeah, and it was tough, man.

00:11:16Guest:My mom had more pride than since, and she worked jobs, and she took herself to school in their mid-40s to be a nurse.

00:11:24Guest:And she's doing that?

00:11:26Guest:She's doing great.

00:11:27Guest:She's still nursing, and she's going back to Houston.

00:11:30Guest:I had her retired, and that's another story.

00:11:32Guest:But I'm the youngest of four, and...

00:11:36Marc:So you gave her money to stop working.

00:11:38Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:39Marc:And then that went wrong?

00:11:40Guest:Yeah, of course.

00:11:41Marc:So now you more identify with your father.

00:11:44Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:11:45Guest:No, there's no help in it.

00:11:46Guest:I mean, when you want to live like you're a multimillionaire and you're a retiree, that just doesn't make any sense, you know?

00:11:54Marc:What did she buy, cars?

00:11:55Guest:She bought a car, but she also had my brother talk her into buying 90 acres in Arkansas instead of paying for a house.

00:12:02Guest:I gave her a lot of money.

00:12:04Guest:And people don't understand in this business what it takes to make a lot of money.

00:12:08Guest:Not easy.

00:12:08Guest:Is you have to almost...

00:12:11Guest:more than double what it takes what you get when you take 20% off the top and taxes and all expenses and everything.

00:12:19Marc:Or you mean 20% for management and agents.

00:12:21Guest:Yeah, okay.

00:12:22Guest:And then from there, I mean, it takes everything down.

00:12:25Guest:So it's like I have to make twice as much as this, okay?

00:12:27Guest:This is more than, this is two years of your salary here.

00:12:32Guest:Here you go, okay?

00:12:33Guest:And you're upper middle class.

00:12:34Guest:Here you go.

00:12:35Guest:Right, yeah.

00:12:35Guest:and and pay for a house have no bills have to be some my brother didn't want to she was going to move in with my brother and his family okay and he ended up divorcing his wife this year and it's just a mess so they got this big house up there that he taught my mom into buying and built an all brick house in the middle of the woods who does that who does that someone from arkansas exactly exactly and and six thousand square foot that's a you're absolutely the i

00:13:03Guest:I take no offense and no one from Arkansas should take offense.

00:13:06Guest:That's exactly what my brother is.

00:13:08Guest:He never wanted, he was a townie.

00:13:10Guest:He never wanted to leave.

00:13:11Guest:Like he thought everything outside of Clarksville, Arkansas is horrible.

00:13:15Guest:The further you get away from it, the worse you are from the center where you need to be.

00:13:18Guest:Yeah.

00:13:18Guest:And I was the direct opposite.

00:13:21Guest:I mean, I didn't even wait to pick up my diploma.

00:13:25Guest:I, like, mail it to me, okay?

00:13:27Guest:I was out.

00:13:28Guest:I was doing comedy.

00:13:30Guest:That fall, I was part of a beginning scholarship program at the University of Arkansas when I was 16, 17.

00:13:36Guest:And so I was a full-fledged college student.

00:13:40Guest:I was going for free and going to high school.

00:13:43Guest:And...

00:13:44Guest:I got a chance to open up for Sam Kennison.

00:13:47Guest:And Sam had told me to move to Houston.

00:13:49Guest:How old were you?

00:13:49Guest:I was 17.

00:13:50Guest:How old are you now?

00:13:51Guest:I'm 39.

00:13:53Marc:So that, okay, so that's 22 years ago.

00:13:55Marc:Yeah.

00:13:55Marc:So I'm trying to figure out what year was that?

00:13:57Guest:That was 1989.

00:13:59Marc:Okay, so Sam, oh, I knew Sam at that time.

00:14:01Marc:Okay.

00:14:01Guest:Yeah, and he was huge.

00:14:02Guest:He was huge.

00:14:03Marc:He was just, like, he was peaking, and he was coming into that third album, probably, or maybe just did the second album.

00:14:09Guest:Right.

00:14:09Marc:He was working on both of them.

00:14:11Marc:Have you seen me lately?

00:14:12Marc:But Hotter Than Hell was out.

00:14:13Guest:Right.

00:14:13Marc:So the leader of the band and Have You See Me Lately, that's where he was at there.

00:14:18Marc:He was playing music too, he had long hair, he's dressing a little, no more trench coats, a little more rock and roll.

00:14:23Marc:Right.

00:14:24Marc:Right, got it.

00:14:25Marc:So where was he playing?

00:14:26Guest:The University of Arkansas ballroom, okay, 3,500 people.

00:14:31Marc:How'd you get that gig?

00:14:32Guest:I won a talent show contest from the Kay Hog radio station, had open, because comedy was so hot, and they had it at the Shakey's Pizza.

00:14:41Marc:And I remember when you were younger, you were kind of influenced by Caniston, right?

00:14:45Marc:I mean, you screamed a little, didn't you?

00:14:47Guest:Well, yeah, yeah.

00:14:49Guest:He always said, if you get mad, verbalize it.

00:14:51Guest:It draws their attention.

00:14:53Guest:And he always said, change your inflection and your volume while you're speaking, and you will draw them in more because they'll have to listen harder.

00:15:02Guest:Those are preacher tricks.

00:15:03Guest:I was a preacher tricks.

00:15:05Guest:And, and he, you know, and bring them in and don't be afraid of silence.

00:15:09Guest:He was the first comic who said, don't be afraid of silence.

00:15:12Marc:Did you, this is a conversation you had with him after the gig?

00:15:14Guest:He kind of, I mean, he was nicer to me than he was most comedians.

00:15:19Marc:So you opened for him on this, you were a prize winner.

00:15:22Marc:Yeah, I was a prize winner.

00:15:24Marc:So he was probably, initially he was probably like, yeah, fuck it.

00:15:26Marc:Exactly.

00:15:26Guest:And he fucked me.

00:15:27Guest:Here's how he fucked me.

00:15:28Guest:We were riding in the limo.

00:15:30Guest:It was the first time I'd been in a limo.

00:15:32Marc:And you were with him or just going to the gig?

00:15:34Marc:I was with him.

00:15:35Guest:And Bill Kennison was there.

00:15:36Guest:And he goes, kid, are you nervous?

00:15:40Guest:And I'm like, no.

00:15:41Guest:He goes, kid, there's going to be 3,500 people there and nobody paid to see you.

00:15:46Yeah.

00:15:46Guest:and i'm like oh man okay i'm a little nervous sweet guy sweet guy and he goes he goes do you have a good closer and i go i i did you know but i didn't know what it was you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah all right and and i go uh i don't know what that is he goes all right

00:16:04Guest:It's a big joke at the end of your show to end your show with on a bang.

00:16:07Guest:Here, use one of my old ones, okay?

00:16:09Guest:Just start screaming and yelling at the audience and insulting them.

00:16:13Guest:The more you insult them, the more they'll love it.

00:16:15Guest:And then when you're done, put the mic on the phone and say, go fuck yourself and get off the stage.

00:16:21Guest:They'll love it.

00:16:22Guest:Really?

00:16:23Guest:Yeah.

00:16:23Guest:Okay.

00:16:24Guest:So I'm doing really well for about four or five minutes.

00:16:28Guest:I mean, I'm killing, killing local references, local jokes, 17-year-old jokes, you know?

00:16:33Guest:And, um, uh, uh, he, uh, uh, I, I flip a punchline and I set up, I get ahead of myself.

00:16:41Guest:Yeah.

00:16:42Guest:And then I, uh, don't do the other punch after that with any enthusiasm and I look weak and, you know, in comedy, it's all about confidence.

00:16:52Guest:You know, if you're not holding their attention, you're not sure what you're doing.

00:16:54Guest:They're not going to be sure.

00:16:55Guest:Yeah.

00:16:56Guest:And so I was panicking, and I remember what Sam had said, so I started railing on these people.

00:17:04Guest:I was like, go fuck yourselves, y'all, Ned Beatty, pig fucking, y'all fuck your mothers.

00:17:11Guest:This horrible diatribe of curses and amateur cursing, too.

00:17:16Guest:Just stuff that was like, really?

00:17:17Marc:You weren't that confident with the cursing?

00:17:19Guest:No, not even that good.

00:17:21Guest:And 3,500 people in unison, boo!

00:17:24Guest:yeah okay and and i go off i'm i'm welding up did you drop that did you drop that mic no i put that mic back and just left i was so humiliated i was like oh my god all right and i had tears in my eyes all right and then i go out and and with no music yeah no fanfare sam kennison comes out going can you believe that kid coming out here talking to you got people like that oh

00:17:50Guest:And now the tears are just rolling because this is my dream.

00:17:57Guest:This is what I want to do.

00:18:00Guest:And I go backstage and find a pay phone.

00:18:04Guest:And I'm calling my mama collect to come pick me up because I left the Cutlass at Shakey's Pizza.

00:18:11Guest:To get the limo.

00:18:12Guest:Yeah, to get to ride in the limo.

00:18:13Guest:I never ridden in a limo.

00:18:15Guest:And I was calling mom, and Bill Kennison came up and hanged the phone up and said, Sam thought that was the funniest fucking thing he'd ever seen.

00:18:26Guest:He laughed.

00:18:26Guest:He loved how you just blindly did exactly what he wanted, all right, and did it fabulous.

00:18:32Guest:Plus, they hate you so much.

00:18:34Guest:Now they love him because he was getting protested then by women's groups.

00:18:38Guest:Right.

00:18:38Guest:And the...

00:18:39Guest:the one at the university had already protested.

00:18:41Guest:You took a hit for the team?

00:18:43Guest:Apparently.

00:18:44Guest:Okay.

00:18:44Guest:But I was totally fucked.

00:18:46Guest:Okay.

00:18:46Guest:I can't take any credit for it.

00:18:47Guest:You're like, yeah, I was team player.

00:18:48Guest:But I instantly realized like, oh my God, I'm getting another shot at this.

00:18:53Guest:Okay.

00:18:54Guest:All right.

00:18:55Marc:Good.

00:18:55Marc:Welcome to show business.

00:18:57Marc:That's how politics works.

00:18:58Guest:And then they invited me to the after party, which was no place for a 17-year-old.

00:19:05Guest:I've got to be honest with you.

00:19:06Guest:I'm 39.

00:19:07Guest:I would be uncomfortable being at that party.

00:19:10Guest:I mean, there were rails of blow, and it was yellow.

00:19:13Guest:It was that old-school blow.

00:19:16Marc:That cat piss coke that you had to cut with gasoline.

00:19:19Marc:That's not very good coke.

00:19:20Guest:I don't know.

00:19:23Guest:But there was just big rocks.

00:19:24Marc:That's sad.

00:19:25Marc:That must have been the beginning of the decline for Sam where the Coke wasn't even fucking white.

00:19:30Guest:Dirty Coke.

00:19:31Guest:Dirty Coke.

00:19:32Guest:It was like chalk.

00:19:34Guest:They had another thing of chalk like that.

00:19:38Guest:I mean, just big blocks, rocks.

00:19:40Guest:And I'm cutting it up and grinding it.

00:19:43Guest:And people were doing bumps and there was booze everywhere.

00:19:46Guest:And me, I've got a beer and a red cup and I've already poured half of it out.

00:19:51Guest:So you would get sick.

00:19:52Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:19:53Guest:So I'm like, I'm fucking high shit.

00:19:55Guest:I'm not.

00:19:56Guest:And Sam comes out of one of the rooms in the suite and goes, kid, order some pizza.

00:20:02Guest:All right.

00:20:03Guest:And tell him we want beer.

00:20:04Guest:Okay.

00:20:05Guest:All right.

00:20:05Guest:No problem.

00:20:06Guest:So I called the guy.

00:20:06Marc:Wow, man.

00:20:07Marc:You got the job awfully quick.

00:20:09Marc:He has 200 bucks.

00:20:10Guest:No, just call him.

00:20:11Guest:Call him.

00:20:12Guest:Okay.

00:20:12Guest:So I ordered like 10 pizzas.

00:20:14Guest:There's like 30 people here.

00:20:15Guest:Sam would do a line and eat a piece of pizza.

00:20:18Guest:That's how degenerate he was.

00:20:20Guest:That he was a coke head and he could eat like a pig at the same time.

00:20:24Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:20:24Guest:Those are juxtapositions.

00:20:25Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:20:26Marc:He was a pro.

00:20:28Marc:You got to be well fortified to do that much blow.

00:20:30Guest:Yeah.

00:20:30Guest:Yeah, right.

00:20:31Guest:You got to put some pizza on top of it.

00:20:34Guest:And so the guys deliver the pizza and Sam comes over and pays the guy and then out of his pocket pulls out three little graham bags of Coke and leave it on the thing and go, thanks.

00:20:48Guest:And like 20 minutes later, we get a phone call.

00:20:50Guest:Hey, you guys need more pizza?

00:20:51Guest:Yeah.

00:20:52Guest:okay all right and uh um i uh i i woke up uh on the couch and there was naked girl was walking by me okay and this was in a hotel in a hotel yeah okay and uh there was some other people still there and but i saw like three naked women yeah that was great yeah and uh sam sam comes up and goes

00:21:13Guest:i like you you know that what are you doing here all right because he was from like east uh it was like oklahoma right he was in oklahoma and and and he goes what are you doing here and i'm like i i'm going to school and he goes are you really that young and i'm like yeah he goes go to houston go to houston go to the workshop those fuckers are funny did the workshop even exist still

00:21:37Guest:it it it was this was in um this was in 89 89 and then by the time i got there in september of because i went to baltimore first why the sister there in baltimore and her basement and had a job and was doing comedy around there in dc because i wanted to be closer because i was thought of like a political comic and you were a political comic

00:22:02Guest:a little bit a little bit trying to be you know i've since dropped the politics and gone to more social issues you know what kind of politics were you doing when he started was that 90 what 90 91 what was the angle you decide you were going to dc and you're living with your sister you got a job you're doing what open mics i was doing open mics what were the clubs like were you doing uh both black and white clubs yeah yeah and um uh i only did that for like four months and then what was your political angle

00:22:30Guest:A conservative Democrat, okay, basically is the thing that, you know, that we've got to be better to our poor because we're making too many of them.

00:22:40Guest:Yeah.

00:22:40Guest:And like, you know, a modified social, that's not a progressive idea is that I think if we're going to, there's too much murder in this country to be as civil as we are.

00:22:52Guest:Okay, we're amazingly uncivil and we're very violent.

00:22:55Guest:And it's because the ramifications aren't enough.

00:22:58Guest:I think that if you're a violent criminal, you've opted out of the Constitution because the first three letters are we the people.

00:23:06Guest:And I think it's important.

00:23:09Marc:Pro-death penalty.

00:23:11Marc:Definitely.

00:23:11Marc:Sympathetic to the poor.

00:23:13Marc:Sympathetic to the poor.

00:23:14Marc:Pro-gun.

00:23:15Guest:Pro-gun.

00:23:15Guest:a little bit yeah yeah okay with gay people very yeah very yeah um and and and 90 that was that was a very interesting perspective pro-drug pro uh gay people you know that it was a very homophobic time but you got no problem with social programs

00:23:31Guest:They need to be trimmed back because at a point people begin to atrophy.

00:23:37Marc:But you're not a libertarian necessarily.

00:23:39Guest:No, no, no.

00:23:40Guest:I think government has a definite role in place and that as a nation we need to remember that we were the first to have freeways that span over twice the distance as Europe.

00:23:51Guest:And we did it in a generation.

00:23:53Guest:We built dams.

00:23:54Guest:But our best nuclear facilities are 30 years old.

00:23:57Guest:I mean, why have we stopped...

00:23:59Guest:embracing the future and moving towards a better containment, better design.

00:24:04Guest:Nuclear energy or weapons as well?

00:24:07Guest:No, no.

00:24:08Guest:Nuclear energy.

00:24:10Guest:That's the only way to do it.

00:24:11Guest:But we shut down the collider.

00:24:13Guest:And then in Switzerland and France, they've done it.

00:24:17Marc:They've made the God particle.

00:24:19Marc:So when you were in D.C.,

00:24:21Marc:Now, you used to play black rooms, right?

00:24:24Guest:Yeah, I played a lot of them, a lot of them.

00:24:26Guest:And because they were the only ones who put me up, the white clubs wouldn't let me in because I wasn't over 21.

00:24:31Guest:And so I lived there outside of Baltimore, close to Alan Lockraven.

00:24:37Guest:And then we at my mom was like, you got to go to college.

00:24:42Guest:You got to go to college.

00:24:43Guest:Just she was living in Houston with my sister and they're all working and doing and doing great.

00:24:49Guest:Houston was in a boom.

00:24:51Marc:And let me just ask you before we get to Houston.

00:24:52Marc:I mean, because there's not a lot of dudes.

00:24:54Marc:There's not a lot of white dudes that, you know, had success in black rooms.

00:24:59Marc:And there's a certain type of white comic that can do it.

00:25:02Marc:Yeah.

00:25:02Marc:And you found that you could do it.

00:25:04Guest:Yeah.

00:25:04Guest:I was- Why?

00:25:07Guest:I think, honestly, is that black people have empathy with someone who's different.

00:25:14Guest:I think they feel it more resonantly than white people do.

00:25:18Marc:Different how?

00:25:20Guest:When you're-

00:25:21Guest:Black people are looked at different when they're walking on the street.

00:25:26Guest:Yeah.

00:25:26Guest:White people will lock their doors when a white guy right in front of them walked closer to the car.

00:25:32Guest:Right.

00:25:32Guest:And they didn't do anything.

00:25:33Guest:But because they're black, there's a perception.

00:25:35Guest:Yeah.

00:25:35Guest:And it's endemic in what the black experience has been in this nation.

00:25:40Guest:I mean, first 300 years they were beaten.

00:25:42Marc:Right.

00:25:42Marc:So what does that have to do with you?

00:25:44Guest:It's how they've learned.

00:25:45Guest:is that I realized that I was, because I was fat, that I was different.

00:25:50Marc:Yeah.

00:25:50Guest:And that I also, you know, wanted anyone to be a friend with.

00:25:56Guest:And I wasn't, you know, I liked hip hop music.

00:26:01Guest:I could talk it because I enjoyed it.

00:26:03Guest:You know, I thought it was a new art form.

00:26:04Guest:It was like poetry and music.

00:26:07Guest:So that was your thing?

00:26:08Marc:Yeah.

00:26:08Marc:Because, I mean, even now you have a sort of cadence.

00:26:11Marc:There's a cadence that you have.

00:26:12Marc:Yeah.

00:26:13Guest:But it also comes from being a Southern guy.

00:26:15Guest:I mean, you pick up... Yeah.

00:26:17Guest:I mean, I was born in Tennessee, raised up in Arkansas, and I moved to Texas when I was 18.

00:26:21Guest:So, I mean, Southern as it gets.

00:26:23Marc:All right, so you get to Houston.

00:26:24Marc:Who's on the scene?

00:26:26Guest:The scene was really, really good, but it was all...

00:26:29Guest:15 years older than me yeah okay i was the youngest guy i'd come through there since bill and and and so everybody because i wasn't as good as bill everyone immediately discounted me okay and and and i was doing more fat jokes because you were young yeah because i was young i was trying anything and fat jokes kept on getting the biggest punch so i just kept on fucking pummeling with them and

00:26:51Guest:And a comic named Dante Garza and Charlie Shannon came to me and said, hey, you've got to decide whether you want to be a fat comic or a comic that just happens to be fat.

00:27:08Guest:And it resonated with me, and I was humiliated by the truth that I was just leaning on this thing fucking too hard.

00:27:18Guest:And that I was just being this fat joke, fat joke, fat joke, predictable that how could that ever last for 30 minutes or 45 minutes?

00:27:26Guest:How could I ever be a headliner if that's all I did and subsist on that alone?

00:27:30Guest:You know, you have to say something.

00:27:32Guest:And, uh,

00:27:33Guest:And so I was under their tutelage.

00:27:36Guest:I was amazed.

00:27:38Guest:I learned everything about comedy from those guys.

00:27:41Guest:And even though the workshop had been closed down, that dean of coke was washed out.

00:27:48Guest:I landed at the comedy showcase that was run by a comedian named Danny Martinez, who's one of the smoothest comedians I've ever seen.

00:27:55Guest:He can go up and talk for an hour.

00:27:58Guest:And he was doing it.

00:28:00Guest:It was like a Mexican Cosby.

00:28:04Guest:And he would never curse.

00:28:05Guest:And he was smooth as shit and funny, wicked funny, standing ovations every show.

00:28:10Guest:And when he got he was done, when he got down to the bottom of his cigar.

00:28:14Guest:All right.

00:28:15Guest:This is good night, folks.

00:28:16Guest:And it was like a one man show every time he would talk to comedy with me.

00:28:21Guest:I didn't have a father.

00:28:22Guest:He kind of took me under his wing and told me how to be a man a little bit.

00:28:25Guest:What were those lessons?

00:28:28Marc:Could you share them with me?

00:28:29Marc:I'm not sure I have them.

00:28:30Guest:I think you probably do.

00:28:32Guest:Responsibility, work on your craft.

00:28:35Guest:He asked me how much time I think I had, and I said 15.

00:28:39Guest:He goes, you maybe have five.

00:28:40Guest:underestimate, and be real, and taught me the ins and outs and the tricks, and there was a really good supportive movement.

00:28:50Guest:The last stop, there was 150 open micers, and they do open mics, and comics were making gigs for themselves, and there was so much good things going on in Houston.

00:29:03Guest:It was incredible.

00:29:05Guest:And you were 21?

00:29:06Guest:20, 21, and I...

00:29:08Guest:got a job in a bar that was my day job you know i was a bartender and dormant at a bar called the pig and um in houston which is just moving coke or just turning a blind eye to coke was the best way to make money you know whatever yeah whatever you want to do that's the guy you want to talk to all right thank you appreciate you

00:29:29Guest:The hookup.

00:29:32Guest:Yeah, I was the go.

00:29:33Guest:And I remember, you know, these workshop comics, man, they didn't like me because I started moving up really fast.

00:29:40Guest:Like once I got into this, I started moving up and they would...

00:29:46Guest:like this happened one time to me that this is a mean fucking comedy trick um i had these gigs closing for marty shilling it was uh friday saturday in north houston and then sunday night in galveston you stay the night in galveston wake up the next day you're on the beach have a nice time right you know those guys they uh they tell me a lot but they i had these gigs and then they called me up on thursday and uh

00:30:11Guest:acting like a booker from the valley who wanted me to do two shows and I was going to make two thousand dollars and this one I was only going to make you know 650 and and so I called Marty and I go could I get out of these gigs because this gig is there I don't want to upset you and I don't want to put you in a bad way at all all right and they're like no I

00:30:35Guest:No, this comic called just a minute ago.

00:30:38Guest:I'll get him to fill in.

00:30:39Guest:No problem.

00:30:40Guest:You're going to make that money.

00:30:41Guest:Good for you.

00:30:42Guest:We'll get you next month.

00:30:43Guest:And I'm like, really?

00:30:43Guest:That's so nice.

00:30:44Guest:Thank you.

00:30:45Guest:So I called that guy back and I go, yeah, I'm in.

00:30:49Guest:And he goes, okay.

00:30:50Guest:So I drove 12 hours and there was no gig.

00:30:52Guest:A comic did that?

00:30:53Guest:Yeah.

00:30:55Guest:What the fuck?

00:30:56Guest:They hated me.

00:30:57Marc:That's horrendous.

00:30:59Guest:It's horrendous.

00:30:59Guest:Why'd they hate you that much?

00:31:01Guest:a they thought i was a hack okay and they because there's no way you got names uh i don't want to throw people under the bus some of them aren't even in the business anymore so there you go it's like you know and none of them are as successful as i am so if i do it it's just kind of bitter okay all right and and you know and you're doing the right thing and they were doing it as a collective i mean it's one thing to be punk or to be funny but jesus christ

00:31:23Guest:Yeah, and it cost me.

00:31:25Guest:Did it make some kid drive 12 hours?

00:31:27Guest:And that's 12 hours there, 12 hours back, okay, with no money.

00:31:29Guest:And it was at the end of the month.

00:31:31Guest:And the guy who took it made fun of me when I went to open mic on Monday.

00:31:35Guest:I go, man, I just totally got fucked by this booker.

00:31:38Guest:And they're like, ah, that was us, ah.

00:31:40Guest:They were totally fucking rude, man.

00:31:43Guest:And they all... And it's weird because once you get labeled a hack... Here's what happened.

00:31:49Guest:I was 18 at an open mic.

00:31:51Guest:And I was leaving the open mic as T-Shaw and Shannon was performing.

00:31:56Guest:And then two weeks later...

00:31:57Guest:I was at the comedy showcase and Captain Rowdy, Frank Lonnie, was performing.

00:32:04Guest:He was really, really a great comedian.

00:32:07Guest:Captain Rowdy was one of the really, I mean, and dark.

00:32:11Guest:I mean, everybody likes Jim Norton now and he was doing Norton in 90, but better.

00:32:16Guest:He was doing it better than Dice was doing it.

00:32:18Guest:He was really, really good.

00:32:20Guest:And just a smooth comedian and fucking funny and likable dirty, okay?

00:32:24Guest:Filthy.

00:32:25Guest:and uh and i gave him this joke and it's been done a thousand times since by different comedians okay and and and it wasn't specific but because i had i we realized where it happened um the the joke is um uh so i was buttfucking this guy and afterwards he wants to cuddle what a fag okay i joke you've seen that in a thousand ways okay all right and

00:32:52Guest:And Tishan was there that night to watch Captain Rowdy.

00:32:57Guest:And I told Rowdy, hey, do this joke.

00:33:00Guest:I was motherfucking this guy.

00:33:02Guest:And so I gave Tishan's joke to fucking Captain Rowdy, unbeknownst.

00:33:07Guest:That's the only way it could have happened.

00:33:08Guest:all right and that was tishan's joke yeah tishan's joke yeah and and t uh went fucking crazy and charlie goes hey the kid doesn't know anything nobody talks to him okay i didn't know the rules okay i didn't know the the because nobody was fucking helping me they all hated me and uh charlie calmed it down and then told t what happened and he goes yeah i guess you know i'm gonna stop that joke anyway because i'm sure somebody else is doing it and and

00:33:33Guest:And but, you know, he and T, Charlie and T-Sean and Frank all forgave me.

00:33:40Guest:But everybody else just gave him reason to hate me.

00:33:43Guest:And so I got to a point where I wouldn't even go in and watch a comedian and open mics like I would never watch stand up.

00:33:51Guest:I had to almost develop in a vacuum and and develop comedians that had a fear out of fear for being labeled.

00:33:59Guest:Just the label alone will fucking kill you.

00:34:01Marc:So you're 21 years old.

00:34:03Marc:Do you think that the bullying had anything to do with your weight?

00:34:05Guest:Yeah.

00:34:06Marc:I mean, because it just seems that you take a lot of shit to begin with.

00:34:10Guest:Yeah.

00:34:10Marc:And they feel like you can just absorb it and fucking take that shit.

00:34:14Guest:Yeah.

00:34:15Guest:Yeah.

00:34:15Guest:And they were really horrific.

00:34:18Guest:Who was nice?

00:34:19Guest:Thea Vidal was nice.

00:34:20Marc:She's sweethearts.

00:34:21Guest:Thea said, fuck those ungrateful bastards.

00:34:24Guest:They're just mad because they're not as funny as Sam or Bill.

00:34:27Guest:All right.

00:34:28Guest:And when those guys were telling him to get on the train to Opportunity, they were at the bar having another drink.

00:34:34Marc:But isn't that true about Texas that the shadows of those two guys hung over that fucking scene forever?

00:34:38Guest:forever man everybody it was like there were so many hicksian comedians oh no i know yeah i mean and and austin was worse man austin was was worse about because they were so fucking good too you know you know disciples of bill hicks you know um tom uh tom hester yeah tom hester he's incredible comedian all right and and he he was really really good but he was doing hicks

00:35:03Guest:Kind of, you know, but he was also doing his own thing, too.

00:35:06Guest:And it was just he was the only one that I saw was like who'd taken a Hicksian influence and actually expounded upon it and ingrained himself and like infused himself with.

00:35:14Marc:So what made you like what made you finally say, I got to get the fuck out of here?

00:35:19Guest:I was going to, because I wanted to go, instead of seeing what these comics in Houston were doing, I would save up my money, and I would fly to Los Angeles and put myself up in a little shit hotel, the Farmer's Daughter Hotel.

00:35:33Marc:Oh, yeah, down on Fairfax?

00:35:34Guest:Yeah, and I would go watch, and I would pay to go watch what the top comedians were doing.

00:35:41Guest:And I'd see all these guys, and I was like, I'm not that far away.

00:35:46Guest:I'm not that far away.

00:35:47Marc:So you knew that.

00:35:47Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:48Guest:I know, I could do it.

00:35:49Marc:So you would actually take a trip to LA just to pay for comedy shows?

00:35:52Marc:Yeah.

00:35:52Marc:You didn't even have enough, and no friends here?

00:35:55Guest:No friends.

00:35:56Guest:And I went and saw The Price is Right once.

00:35:59Guest:At CBS?

00:36:00Marc:Yeah, at CBS.

00:36:00Marc:Because you saw the people standing online?

00:36:02Marc:Yeah, and I was telling jokes out there.

00:36:05Marc:Wait a minute, you told jokes to the line?

00:36:06Guest:Yeah, I was in Italian jokes.

00:36:08Guest:I was being funny in the line and stuff like that.

00:36:10Marc:Like in an organized way?

00:36:12Guest:Kind of.

00:36:12Guest:I just started, and people would turn their attention.

00:36:14Guest:They're waiting in line.

00:36:15Guest:They might as well be entertained, and I get people laughing.

00:36:17Marc:You did stand up online.

00:36:19Guest:And the producers wanted me to, you know, where are you going to be seated?

00:36:24Guest:We want to put you on an aisle, okay?

00:36:27Guest:And I was going to be moved in, and then they didn't.

00:36:30Guest:They switched me back.

00:36:32Guest:I guess I was too fat.

00:36:33Guest:I don't know.

00:36:34Guest:All right, but I was funny.

00:36:36Guest:But I would come out, and I would go to New York to watch.

00:36:40Marc:Who were you seeing in L.A., though?

00:36:42Marc:What resonated with you?

00:36:43Guest:Oh, man.

00:36:44Guest:Gary Shanley, I thought was a genius.

00:36:46Marc:At the Comedy Store?

00:36:47Guest:Uh-huh.

00:36:48Guest:No, at the Improv.

00:36:49Guest:Oh, yeah?

00:36:50Guest:And then I saw Tim Allen.

00:36:54Guest:I saw He Was a Beast.

00:36:57Marc:What was that, like 1980s?

00:36:57Marc:91, 92.

00:36:58Guest:Uh-huh.

00:37:00Guest:And 93, you know, Sam, Sam everywhere, and he'd take me on his wing, and we'd go walk down from the comedy store and go eat at Carney's.

00:37:09Marc:Sure, have a dog.

00:37:11Guest:Yeah, and he...

00:37:12Guest:are you okay are you okay i'm like i'm i'm trying man i want you know those cocksuckers are being dicks aren't they and i'm like yeah they kind of are and and he'd load me up with cheeseburgers take these cheeseburgers all right and and uh um you know and and he was like you know you could come out here you could stay at my house you could you know clean up a little you know help me you know and i can't i can't my mom still wants me to go to college and

00:37:38Guest:and uh and he's like okay but if you want to you know they're giving you shit and and he would upset the the his old buddies at the laugh i mean at the last stop that that were from yeah in in houston when he'd come back because he had me open for him and and they were really pissed i mean they were all mad because they they'd come up with him you had to get out of town at some point just because those guys

00:38:02Guest:And I was headlining already around Texas, and I did.

00:38:07Guest:I couldn't take it.

00:38:08Guest:I thought I was going to quit.

00:38:09Guest:And my buddy, Mike Jorgensen, who was the residential manager, he was doing stand-up, residential manager of the Four Seasons, got me a job cooking.

00:38:18Marc:So you're opening for Kenison and you're cooking?

00:38:21Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:38:22Guest:You know, when he comes into town, I would do the shows that week.

00:38:25Guest:But to make ends meet, you know, I had a... What, a line cook?

00:38:28Guest:Uh-huh.

00:38:29Guest:And a sous chef.

00:38:30Guest:I moved up.

00:38:31Guest:And the guy liked me.

00:38:32Guest:I had a lot of personality.

00:38:33Guest:You can cook?

00:38:34Guest:Yeah, I can really cook.

00:38:35Guest:And he got a job at Nola's, Emeril Lagasse's restaurant in New Orleans and asked me if I wanted to come over.

00:38:42Guest:So I looked into it.

00:38:44Guest:I drove over.

00:38:45Guest:I fell in love with the city.

00:38:46Guest:I thought it was cool as shit.

00:38:47Guest:And I love the music.

00:38:49Guest:I love the scene.

00:38:50Guest:And I rented a back room house and knew nobody in the city.

00:38:56Guest:Would go to work, smoke weed with the black dishwashers afterwards, go to Felix's for oysters, drink beer, come back and realize I hated beer.

00:39:05Guest:How long were you there?

00:39:06Guest:Six months.

00:39:07Guest:Working in NOLA?

00:39:07Guest:at nolas and as a sous chef as a sous chef yeah i was there's there's a is a bar where you can cook in front of people people come up to have private dining yeah all right and they tell me how to cook their food and i you know i can't remember how to do it jesus it's memorization yeah no big deal

00:39:24Guest:And because I could talk to them and entertain them, they would sell more wine to them.

00:39:33Guest:They wanted me to be the face of the place.

00:39:39Marc:So what do you like to cook now?

00:39:40Guest:um i still like third coast cuisine i still like you know texas louisiana and you like to entertain you cook for your wife i do i do i do and can you butcher a pig and i can i have i have i've sorted out hog before it's a it's a messy business but somebody's got to do it uh but um yeah i cook i cook really well you know heavy french influence uh-huh

00:40:06Guest:I mean, you can't get this big by accident.

00:40:09Guest:You know, I mean, it's not osmosis.

00:40:10Guest:You got to put some heart into it.

00:40:13Guest:You know, I was was having a great time, but I was doing on the weekends.

00:40:18Guest:I was doing comedy zone gigs.

00:40:21Guest:all their southern runs okay i was doing a louisiana run or the the mississippi alabama florida gigs coconuts i was working the punchline okay and i would do that you know wednesday thursday friday saturday uh and then back in new orleans on uh sunday morning to work that night to monday tuesday wednesday jesus christ you had like you lived like three lives four lives so you were you were on the path to becoming a cook really

00:40:51Guest:Yeah, yeah, and comedy was, they were moving me up at places, I'd get to places, then on the second night, they'd have me headlining, because the guy said, I blew him off the stage, and I thought that was what you're supposed to do, is be the best you can, and that's not the best way to do it.

00:41:08Marc:But, you know, to be a killer middle, you know, you're going to piss off a couple of headliners.

00:41:11Marc:I got I had some karma from that.

00:41:13Marc:Eventually, you know, as a headliner, you're going to take the hit.

00:41:16Marc:Like there's a couple of weeks where like I used to do that and I and I knew I did it because all you got to do really is close really big.

00:41:22Marc:And they're going to, you know, depending on who they are, they've got the easiest spot.

00:41:26Marc:It's a great spot.

00:41:27Marc:But I remember that like any time it happens to me now, if a middle hands me my ass once at one show or two shows a week in a little bit of a way, I'm like, I had it coming.

00:41:35Guest:Yeah, right.

00:41:36Guest:Yeah, I got this.

00:41:37Marc:This is mine.

00:41:38Marc:It's his night.

00:41:40Guest:Good for him.

00:41:40Guest:Yeah.

00:41:42Guest:And so I was doing that.

00:41:43Guest:This is like 96.

00:41:45Marc:But how much do you think, honestly, what do you think it is about the weight that, you know, because you said that coming into the garage.

00:41:51Guest:People are easily dismissive of overweight people.

00:41:53Guest:Statistically, people, just picture to picture, they think that the more overweight you are, the dumber you are.

00:42:01Guest:And that the more of a victim you are.

00:42:05Guest:And I wasn't trying.

00:42:07Guest:I had a life-changing event at 16.

00:42:09Guest:I got into a major car wreck.

00:42:11Guest:And my ass got handed me a big old plate of humble pie.

00:42:15Guest:And I had to eat it because I was at the mercy of other people.

00:42:18Marc:What happened?

00:42:19Marc:You almost died?

00:42:20Guest:Yeah, I did die, actually.

00:42:22Guest:I was in a car wreck.

00:42:24Guest:I broke 42 bones.

00:42:26Guest:42 bones?

00:42:27Guest:64 separate breaks.

00:42:29Guest:I broke my three vertebrae in my lower back and fractured two.

00:42:34Guest:You went through the windshield?

00:42:35Guest:I bounced in and around of an 84 Chevy Silverado truck.

00:42:40Guest:Rolled it?

00:42:40Guest:Rolled it four to five times, flipped it five to six, end over end, and then rolled it more down a hill, wrapped around a tree, and my legs were crushed.

00:42:48Guest:Both femurs were broken when the steering wheel came down on it.

00:42:53Guest:And it was a mess, man.

00:42:55Guest:I was only conscious for like a car rolled over and I was laying on its side and gas was pouring out on me.

00:43:03Guest:I was conscious for maybe a minute, minute and a half, and then I woke up 12 days later in a hospital in Russellville, and they had put me in a drug-induced coma to reduce brain swelling.

00:43:21Guest:I had three concussions.

00:43:22Guest:If you look right here, I got a little scar right there where they had a halo brace on.

00:43:28Guest:on, and they'd already stabilized my vertebrae.

00:43:31Guest:But in the back, I had a hole that was drained off fluid.

00:43:36Guest:I had a shunt in my head to allow the brain to expand without causing more brain damage.

00:43:45Guest:And I was spinal swelling for 10 months.

00:43:49Guest:I was basically wheelchair-bound.

00:43:51Guest:I worked to be able to walk and stuff.

00:43:53Guest:I broke a lot of bones.

00:43:56Guest:And I was a mean guy before.

00:44:00Guest:I was a dick.

00:44:01Guest:I was a bully.

00:44:02Guest:And there was a kid that I went to school with named Paul Johnson.

00:44:08Guest:He was a grade below me, but we went to the same church.

00:44:11Guest:And I wasn't in church for Jesus.

00:44:13Guest:I was just there for the social.

00:44:14Guest:Yeah.

00:44:17Guest:It was fun.

00:44:20Guest:It was something to do on Sunday.

00:44:21Guest:And it was a good meal.

00:44:23Guest:It was hanging out with your buddies.

00:44:25Guest:It was a good time.

00:44:26Guest:And I'd be nice to Paul on that day, on Sunday.

00:44:31Guest:And then Monday through Friday, I would participate, if not initiate, hateful slurs at him because he was a gay kid.

00:44:41Guest:And he was very effeminate and a sweetheart of a guy.

00:44:46Guest:And I participated in that.

00:44:49Guest:And so I was a liar.

00:44:52Guest:I was lying to myself.

00:44:53Guest:I was lying to who I was.

00:44:55Guest:And on Sunday, I was lying in the face of God.

00:44:58Guest:so one-on-one you were a nice guy and you really liked the guy but right because because it was part of a group mentality yeah it's weaker you know that that i've fed on it and um uh after the after the first couple weeks my friends wouldn't come visit me in the hospital i was in the hospital for 48 days why um they had other stuff they had already moved on you know okay all right and it was 30 miles and and paul uh

00:45:23Guest:his mom would drive him down and he'd bring all my school work.

00:45:27Guest:He did us all voluntarily and kept me where I didn't have to miss a year of school.

00:45:35Guest:And he was there every day.

00:45:37Guest:So when I finally got back and I was walking and I had some juice, this was my senior year.

00:45:46Guest:I was still kind of strong.

00:45:50Guest:I'd rehabbed enough to where I had some of my strength back before.

00:45:53Guest:And I shoved a guy's head who was fucking with Paul into a locker and broke his nose and kicked his leg out from under his knee and hurt his knee and kicked him in the fucking head.

00:46:07Guest:And I said, nobody fucks with this kid anymore.

00:46:10Guest:And it was amazing what that did because I finally paid my friend back for all this shit.

00:46:17Guest:And I was like, this guy's going to have a fucking decent year.

00:46:19Guest:He's not going to get fucked with this year.

00:46:22Guest:And I lost touch with him after I left Clarksville.

00:46:27Guest:And I was in Dallas, Texas.

00:46:31Guest:And he came up to me and said that.

00:46:35Marc:After a show?

00:46:36Marc:Yeah.

00:46:37Marc:No shit.

00:46:38Guest:Yeah.

00:46:39Guest:And like 20 years later.

00:46:40Guest:And it was very humbling.

00:46:43Marc:What did he say?

00:46:44Guest:He changed his whole life?

00:46:45Guest:Yeah, I changed my whole life.

00:46:46Guest:It was like he was out and he was like, thank you so much.

00:46:53Guest:You really made life easier for me.

00:46:55Guest:And I really appreciate you.

00:46:58Guest:You're a good guy.

00:46:59Guest:And it's weird.

00:47:00Guest:I've had those things since, and it was strange.

00:47:05Guest:It was a strange thing.

00:47:07Guest:So I moved back after New Orleans to Houston, and I was doing there.

00:47:12Guest:I was doing defensive driving, and so I was getting really good at defensive driving.

00:47:18Guest:I was teaching at the Comedy Showcase.

00:47:20Guest:Making money doing that.

00:47:21Guest:You teaching driver's ed?

00:47:23Guest:Yeah, driver's ed.

00:47:23Marc:For people that wanted to get points off of their record?

00:47:26Guest:Well, in Texas, you could get any traffic violation expunged and receive at the same time a 10% discount on your insurance.

00:47:33Marc:And that was done through the comedy code because they did that here, right?

00:47:36Marc:Right, right.

00:47:36Marc:And they had comics teaching that shit.

00:47:38Guest:And they had comics teaching it.

00:47:39Guest:And for me, it was just being in front of an audience for six hours and making people that hate my fucking guts and don't want to be there laugh their balls off.

00:47:47Guest:And to where people would come like, I mean, I had guys come in six, seven times.

00:47:50Guest:I go, man, I'm a suck as a teacher.

00:47:52Guest:They go, no, it's me.

00:47:54Guest:Okay.

00:47:54Guest:It's not you.

00:47:54Guest:I get good knowledge, but at least I come here and I'm entertained.

00:47:57Marc:Yeah.

00:47:57Guest:You know, and I get developed a real big following from that.

00:48:00Guest:I mean, it just gave them confidence.

00:48:01Guest:Yeah.

00:48:02Marc:Now, like getting back to it before, I forget the train of thought we were on before, on the weight thing is that, because you said that people think that bad people are either dumb or victims.

00:48:12Marc:Yeah.

00:48:12Marc:And I think also that, so you're basically saying that when a guy who's heavy can speak up for himself, it's almost like- Who are you?

00:48:24Marc:You arrogant prick.

00:48:27Marc:Because you're not the kind of guy that's going to be like, fuck you.

00:48:31Marc:Well, you are kind of.

00:48:32Marc:But I think when people see a guy your size speaking up for himself, because a lot of heavy dudes, they're ashamed of themselves.

00:48:43Marc:Right.

00:48:43Marc:So you've somehow transcended that shame.

00:48:45Marc:Yeah.

00:48:45Guest:Yeah.

00:48:46Marc:You've won somehow.

00:48:48Guest:Yeah.

00:48:49Guest:And I had girls, Mark.

00:48:53Guest:That's another thing that they were dismissive of.

00:48:56Guest:If I got a girlfriend, those comics were so fucking vile.

00:49:02Guest:They would go after her.

00:49:03Guest:If I brought her around...

00:49:05Guest:Okay, they would go after her, all right, and make up all this shit.

00:49:09Guest:They did it to my now wife.

00:49:12Guest:We were together in 1998, and she's an open-miker, and I was teaching defensive driving, and I came to open mic at about 9 o'clock to spend time with her, right?

00:49:23Guest:And I come there, and she immediately takes me outside and goes, they're telling me you're a hack, you're a thief, you're a joke thief, that you're an asshole, that you're lying to everybody, saying I'm fucking you, and they know it's a lie and stuff like that.

00:49:35Guest:And the truth is, the night before was the first time we had actually made love.

00:49:38Marc:Yeah.

00:49:39Guest:Okay?

00:49:39Guest:And I was desperately in love with her.

00:49:41Marc:So did you say, but I am fucking you.

00:49:43Guest:No, no.

00:49:43Guest:I said, I didn't.

00:49:44Guest:I didn't.

00:49:45Guest:I didn't.

00:49:46Guest:I didn't have the wherewithal.

00:49:47Guest:But it was because I was so infuriated that these fucking miserable fucks had done this to me that I wanted to fucking strangle them.

00:49:58Guest:And it came down...

00:49:59Guest:That, you know, I go, let's get them here.

00:50:02Guest:And none of those guys would look me in the fucking eye.

00:50:04Guest:They all knew what they had done to me.

00:50:06Guest:And I called them all cunts to their fucking face.

00:50:08Guest:And I said, you're a bunch of loser fucks.

00:50:11Guest:You're jealous of me.

00:50:12Guest:You always have been.

00:50:13Guest:All right.

00:50:14Guest:Go fuck your mothers.

00:50:16Guest:All right.

00:50:16Guest:If anybody wants to fucking do something, let's go outside.

00:50:18Guest:And I fucking had my baseball bat and I was ready to fucking whip their ass in front of the last stop.

00:50:24Guest:And they all went out the back way and left.

00:50:26Guest:Okay.

00:50:26Guest:And that's when that's when that shit stopped.

00:50:29Guest:Okay.

00:50:29Guest:And I said, I was going to fucking, I was going to go to town.

00:50:32Guest:I was going to break their cars.

00:50:33Guest:I was going to fucking pummel them and they all stopped.

00:50:36Marc:So let's talk about the, uh, the transcendence.

00:50:39Marc:I mean, because you won, you know, you're not your national headliner.

00:50:42Marc:You sell out, you know, people fucking love you.

00:50:44Marc:Yeah.

00:50:45Marc:So, okay, so you're teaching defensive driving, you got a girlfriend, you've had to defend yourself against a bunch of- Assholes.

00:50:52Marc:Yeah.

00:50:52Guest:Now, was there, did you ever get called, I mean, outside of the Tishon to Shannon thing, was there ever another joke- They would always say, they would always say, I rewrote the joke so it's not the same.

00:51:05Guest:and and yet they would never cite instance after instance they had they had passed this on to the younger comedians coming up so much that one time i went back to houston that and i was there and uh this comic who had some balls named quinn hatch came up to me and was calling me a joke thief and a fucking piece of shit even though i hadn't been in houston since he'd never done comedy he never met me before that and he just heard from all these other comedians how i was a joke thief and an asshole what are we a bunch of fucking girls

00:51:34Marc:I mean, what a bunch of gossipy fuck.

00:51:37Marc:It's amazing.

00:51:38Marc:Shouldn't these guys be doing something other than this?

00:51:41Marc:Well, just watch me.

00:51:42Guest:I'm not doing anybody but me, okay?

00:51:45Guest:These jokes couldn't be written by anybody else but me, okay?

00:51:49Guest:And they're not usual jokes, okay?

00:51:54Guest:And I was amazingly topical, and I was just pummeling, pummeling, pummeling.

00:51:58Guest:And Dougie Stanhope had taken me under his wing.

00:52:01Guest:And we met that night.

00:52:03Guest:You and Dougie were going bump for the bump.

00:52:05Guest:It was a good time.

00:52:06Guest:I'm trying to remember that.

00:52:07Guest:Dougie was living in his car and he's dressed up by Houston.

00:52:11Guest:And he was there.

00:52:12Guest:And Mitch and you and me, we all stayed at the Allen Park Inn and fucked that place up and had a great time.

00:52:19Guest:And Doug fucked the girl next to me.

00:52:21Guest:Am I blacking this out?

00:52:23Guest:You sure it was me?

00:52:24Guest:No.

00:52:24Guest:Mary.

00:52:25Guest:Okay.

00:52:26Guest:Stop.

00:52:26Guest:It was you.

00:52:27Guest:Really?

00:52:28Guest:Really?

00:52:28Guest:No.

00:52:30Guest:It was a crazy thing.

00:52:35Guest:And all that drama stopped.

00:52:37Guest:So what was the big career changer?

00:52:39Guest:I gave Joey Medina, actually a Puerto Rican comedian, a ride from Houston to the Latino Lab Festival in San Antonio because he was going to have to take a bus.

00:52:51Guest:And I'm like, man, I'm not doing nothing.

00:52:52Guest:I'll take you over there.

00:52:53Guest:And I had money.

00:52:54Guest:It wasn't a big deal.

00:52:55Guest:I was making tons of money and driving to stand up and working around.

00:52:59Guest:I would never leave Houston and I could make $30,000 a year.

00:53:03Guest:And then you had minor drug sales.

00:53:08Guest:You had working a day job to boot.

00:53:12Guest:I was doing all right.

00:53:13Guest:So I was like, yeah, I'll drive you over, man.

00:53:15Guest:And so I drove Joey over, and they heard about it, and he told people how nice it was that I drove him over and said, hey, take a bus, that they gave me a spot.

00:53:24Guest:You could go up first on this showcase, and I went up at that comedy club right there on the Riverwalk and got a standing ovation in 11 minutes.

00:53:35Guest:It's a big room.

00:53:36Guest:Big room, and everybody was there from the networks, and they had never seen anybody like me.

00:53:42Marc:This is a Latino festival.

00:53:43Guest:It's a Latino comedy festival.

00:53:44Guest:Yeah.

00:53:45Guest:Dominic Dunn from ABC was there.

00:53:49Guest:She gave me her card.

00:53:50Guest:All these guys gave me their cards.

00:53:52Guest:I got management.

00:53:53Guest:I got agency representation from there.

00:53:56Guest:They said, you have to come to Los Angeles.

00:53:57Guest:We'll see you in two weeks.

00:53:59Guest:Get your affairs together.

00:54:00Guest:And so I packed up everything into my Toyota 4Runner and moved to L.A.

00:54:04Guest:And I got to L.A.

00:54:05Guest:and Doug goes, hey, I got you a place to stay.

00:54:08Guest:And I'd come out here for like three months living on the floor of Joe Medina's and Alex Raimondo's apartment.

00:54:18Guest:And, um, uh, they said, uh, Ralphie stay here.

00:54:21Guest:And then, and, but Doug was like, get out of that.

00:54:24Guest:I got you a place at 1440 North Gardner.

00:54:26Guest:And, um, uh, you'll stay, it was his Matt Becker, his buddy was, you'll sublease his house, but actually he wants to keep his stuff.

00:54:34Guest:So he's going to pay his rent.

00:54:35Guest:He's working in Alaska.

00:54:37Guest:All right.

00:54:37Guest:And, uh, you just stay there.

00:54:39Guest:No problem.

00:54:40Guest:So I stayed there for a year for free.

00:54:42Guest:I got, I got settled.

00:54:43Guest:You know, that's why I feel so much common to help other comedians.

00:54:46Guest:And these guys were terrific, man.

00:54:50Guest:I mean, Dougie made me this.

00:54:53Guest:He told me, he goes.

00:54:54Guest:Stanhope?

00:54:55Guest:Yeah, Doug Stanhope.

00:54:56Guest:He was like, you have to be in comedy clubs every night.

00:55:00Guest:When you first get here, go to every comedy club every night.

00:55:02Guest:and i and i met joey diaz and joey diaz was like yeah come with me i'll go and introduce you at the comedy store he introduced me at the comedy store and that sunday it was a saturday sunday i showcased for mitzi and then she made me a paid regular on the spot and gave me main room spots and she said the only person she'd ever done that before besides me was uh roseanne yeah and and i was like wow that's incredible and then on tuesday i showcased jamie masada's uh

00:55:31Guest:the Laugh Factory, and I got passed there.

00:55:36Guest:I was doing eight spots there, and then I went to the improv, and I got passed there all in the same week.

00:55:44Guest:So in one week, I'm in LA, and in the course of four days, I've already done like 16 spots, and over the course of the week, I've got

00:55:53Guest:22 spots or 28 spots, something like that.

00:55:58Guest:I was doing three and four spots a night, four or five spots.

00:56:01Guest:You were ready, I guess.

00:56:02Guest:In L.A.

00:56:03Guest:In L.A.

00:56:03Guest:I was ready.

00:56:03Guest:I was ready for it, but it was weird.

00:56:05Guest:And then I was working all the Latino rooms, too, because I'd always been cool with these guys, and Latino and black rooms, too.

00:56:12Guest:So, I mean...

00:56:13Guest:When I hit L.A.

00:56:15Guest:in 1999, 2000, I mean, Dan Cook was there, Mitch Mulaney, Alonzo Bowden.

00:56:22Guest:These were guys that were throwing heat around L.A., and I was going up right behind them or right in front of them.

00:56:29Guest:Dan Cook would get a standing ovation, and I'd go get another one, and then Dave Chappelle would go up.

00:56:33Guest:Or follow Chappelle after Dane Cook.

00:56:36Guest:It's like, motherfucker, for real.

00:56:38Guest:I mean, these guys are lights out.

00:56:39Guest:And it was just so much good comedy here.

00:56:42Guest:I mean, it was like I'd never been there.

00:56:45Guest:And I had none of that weight from anybody else.

00:56:48Guest:Nobody was giving me any shit.

00:56:50Guest:I wasn't called a joke thief.

00:56:51Guest:I was called an original.

00:56:53Marc:Now, how much affected...

00:56:55Marc:your relationship with jay more and the last comic standing thing uh have on you know the popularity oh there's no there's no comp there's no good question um jay and i met in 2000 at the laugh factory he he hated me

00:57:13Guest:At first, because I was doing this joke about how the Kennedys are just the stupidest people of all time.

00:57:18Guest:And he's very pro-Kennedy, you know.

00:57:21Guest:And I would say all of them.

00:57:22Guest:Joe Kennedy had weak sperm.

00:57:24Guest:And I went through all the Kennedys, JFK.

00:57:26Marc:So Jay gets pissed off.

00:57:28Guest:Yeah, he gets mad.

00:57:29Guest:And I'm talking about, because this is like a week after JFK Jr.

00:57:32Guest:'s plane went down.

00:57:33Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:57:33Marc:So you're like me.

00:57:36Marc:I'm fresh on it.

00:57:37Guest:There's never a too soon.

00:57:39Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:57:40Guest:And it was pilot error.

00:57:41Guest:And I said, you know who the happiest person in the world was?

00:57:44Guest:His ex-girlfriend, Daryl Hannah.

00:57:46Guest:His ex-girlfriend.

00:57:47Guest:Yeah.

00:57:48Guest:I'm so glad that motherfucker didn't marry me.

00:57:50Guest:And, and, uh, cause I'd have been on that plane and I said, and that's fucked up cause that bitch was a mermaid.

00:57:55Guest:She could have saved his life.

00:57:56Guest:All right.

00:57:56Guest:And that's when Jay goes, Oh, okay.

00:57:58Guest:I get it now.

00:57:59Guest:I see his angle.

00:58:00Guest:All right.

00:58:01Guest:And he told me after I go, Hey, did you that?

00:58:03Guest:And then you did that joke.

00:58:04Guest:It was like this.

00:58:04Guest:So we started talking and he goes, man, you're really fucking funny.

00:58:07Guest:I was really impressed.

00:58:08Guest:I love watching you.

00:58:09Guest:I don't get much joy out of watching other comedians.

00:58:12Guest:And that was really, really fucking great.

00:58:14Guest:And I'm like, thanks man.

00:58:15Guest:No problem.

00:58:16Guest:And then the next day, um, I was, um, I,

00:58:19Guest:LA was hard.

00:58:21Guest:There's no money.

00:58:22Guest:You can be getting all these spots and you're doing all this work, but there's no money in LA, hardly.

00:58:28Guest:And I was working Latino rooms to try to make my rent and selling weed and doing what I could to hustle.

00:58:35Guest:And I didn't have much rent at this point.

00:58:37Guest:It was like $5.50 a month, and it wasn't that big a deal.

00:58:41Guest:But I didn't have money for my gas, and I didn't have valet tip money.

00:58:46Guest:I didn't have money to waste.

00:58:47Guest:And so I was just walking from Gardner down to the Laugh Factory to go catch some spots.

00:58:53Guest:And Jay drove his truck by and stopped and goes, why are you fucking walking?

00:58:57Guest:And I'm like, because I... Well...

00:59:01Guest:um the truth he goes yeah i don't have money for valet i don't have money for gas okay i i just don't have money you know i got hit with a bunch of tickets and and i'm fucked and he goes why don't you have money and i'm like i'm like because i just don't dude i mean it's hard you know i do all these spots and i don't get paid for them or you get 30 bucks you know it's like what the fuck is that gonna do you know and and he was like

00:59:28Guest:Fuck that.

00:59:29Guest:And get in the car, first of all.

00:59:31Guest:So we get in the car, and he called up Matt Frost, his agent, and goes, hey, my new opener's Ralphie Mae.

00:59:37Guest:All those improv gigs that I got, Ralphie Mae's my new opener, okay?

00:59:41Guest:Make it happen.

00:59:42Guest:And boom, he booked me 16 weeks of work right there.

00:59:45Guest:And I'd never been able to get into the improvs because even though I was a killer feature act, none of these fucking titty baby, lazy fucking headliners wanted to follow it.

00:59:55Guest:yeah all right they don't want to follow somebody getting a standing ovation and that's what i told jay i go the improvs won't work me because i'm too strong for their acts and yet i don't have any tv credits so i can't get on there i can't get on their stage it's a headliner and he's like that i want to be pushed all right you come work with me and you kill every show and he let me do it and he introduced me to all these clubs that would have me

01:00:19Guest:close Wednesday, Thursday.

01:00:20Guest:He'd do Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and drop down to features.

01:00:25Guest:So I'd make an extra $500 right there.

01:00:27Guest:He was paying my air.

01:00:28Guest:He took care of me.

01:00:30Guest:And when he got more sports, he goes, I want to give you a chance to be a writer.

01:00:34Guest:You're a great writer.

01:00:34Guest:You were writing jokes for me.

01:00:36Guest:And, um, and so I got to be on a writing staff for a year, uh, which was amazing.

01:00:41Guest:And it's weird because, uh, like that summer he goes, I got this show, uh, and, um, uh, called comic house.

01:00:49Guest:And when it comes out, I want you to do it.

01:00:51Guest:That's the name of the pilot was called comic house.

01:00:53Marc:For Last Comic.

01:00:54Guest:For Last Comic Standing, yeah.

01:00:56Guest:And he mentioned it once and then didn't mention it again.

01:00:58Guest:I'm in Hawaii.

01:01:01Guest:I'm headlining The Laugh Factory Honolulu, and my girlfriend is with me, and she's featuring, and we're having a blast, a vacation.

01:01:10Guest:This is Thursday.

01:01:11Guest:I've been there since Tuesday, having such an amazing time.

01:01:16Guest:On Thursday, Jay calls and goes, hey, I need you to come and audition for this show.

01:01:21Guest:And I'm like, what show?

01:01:22Guest:He goes, remember that show Comic House?

01:01:24Guest:I go, yeah, it's called Now I'm Lost Comic Standing.

01:01:27Guest:And I want you to come in.

01:01:29Guest:And I go, okay, when?

01:01:31Guest:And he goes, on Saturday.

01:01:33Guest:As in, today's Saturday?

01:01:34Guest:And he goes, yeah, it's an invitation-only invitation.

01:01:39Guest:And I go, well, Jay, you're the EP, right?

01:01:43Guest:He goes, yeah, just put me on it, dude.

01:01:45Guest:All right.

01:01:46Guest:You know, I work.

01:01:47Guest:I mean, who knows my back better than you?

01:01:48Guest:If you think I'm great for it, then I'll be great for it.

01:01:51Guest:And he goes, no, NBC won't let me pick anybody.

01:01:53Guest:You have to come and do it.

01:01:54Guest:And I'm like, okay, all right, who am I auditioning for?

01:01:59Guest:Bob and Ross from The Tonight Show.

01:02:02Guest:And I'm like, man, I know those guys.

01:02:03Guest:They just saw me last week.

01:02:05Guest:They love me.

01:02:06Guest:And he goes, well, you got to audition again under everything.

01:02:10Guest:And I'm like, man, all right.

01:02:14Guest:I don't know if I can, Jay.

01:02:16Guest:I'm working in Hawaii, and I don't have...

01:02:18Guest:enough money to let me let me see the airfare i'll call you back yeah so my wife and i look up the airfare and the airfare is like 850 dollars i'm only making 1200 for the week yeah all right and and and that's just to get there and come back to be able to finish the week to you know so i don't leave them hanging and um

01:02:37Guest:And my wife, or my girlfriend at the time, goes, you can't afford this, can you?

01:02:42Guest:I go, no.

01:02:42Guest:She goes, I don't want you to know I believe in you.

01:02:45Guest:And I think you're going to kill this fucking thing.

01:02:48Guest:So I'm going to put it on my credit card.

01:02:49Guest:And I'm going to fly you back.

01:02:51Guest:And you go do the audition and knock yourself out.

01:02:54Guest:and and i was like are you serious her share of the rent was only 600 she's gonna give me 850 on a on a on a maybe and um and so i flew back and um i i was so max it was a red eye i had done the show on on friday night and got on a plane and came to uh back to la and just tired and fucking pissed and mad and

01:03:20Guest:And I go over to the goddamn valley to NBC and stand around with these fucking comics and everybody's wackadoo.

01:03:27Guest:And I'm like, I'm just in fucking general irritability.

01:03:30Guest:And they tell me that my five minute audition is now three minutes.

01:03:33Guest:I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?

01:03:35Guest:So I go out there, and they're doing the auditions on Johnny Carson's old stage, which is behind The Tonight Show stage, which is actually a small stage.

01:03:44Guest:This is huge.

01:03:45Guest:So I get in, and it's my turn.

01:03:48Guest:I go for a walk.

01:03:50Guest:I walk all the way onto the stage, and I'm mad because they made me walk this whole fucking way, too.

01:03:58Guest:I'm just mad.

01:03:58Guest:So my first line goes, you cocksuckers, give me three minutes.

01:04:02Guest:It takes me a minute and a half to get my fat ass up here.

01:04:04Guest:Whose bright idea was it to put the fucking stage 150 yards away from the fucking door when you got three minutes, all right?

01:04:11Guest:And then I just started, and at a minute 15, they go, stop, Ralph, stop.

01:04:16Guest:And I'm like, you fucking assholes.

01:04:18Guest:I just flew from Hawaii.

01:04:20Guest:No, no, no, Ralph.

01:04:20Guest:We want you to come back, okay?

01:04:22Guest:You're moving on.

01:04:23Guest:You did everything we needed you to do.

01:04:26Guest:you're terrific okay i'm like are you serious yeah i got something yeah i mean because i mean i just come off the hills it was just how many people were in the room five and i had all five people dying okay bob ross and a camera guy and a ad and uh and jay no jay wasn't even in there yeah and um jay was sleeping in yeah i was up early i

01:04:51Guest:And I filled out all this paperwork and I saw so many comics that had passed and got like that fan never would have done that if Ken Jeong had gotten advice from Levity to do the show.

01:05:06Guest:He saw the paperwork and as a doctor, he wasn't prepared to give up his doctor gig.

01:05:10Guest:And he could have made it even sooner than when he has made it.

01:05:15Guest:Isn't it wonderful that he's made it?

01:05:17Guest:I love that.

01:05:17Marc:Well, he did it a different way.

01:05:18Marc:He's probably better up.

01:05:19Guest:He did it a different way.

01:05:19Guest:It's better in the long run than his way.

01:05:21Marc:So that was the year.

01:05:22Marc:So you got on Last Comic Scene, first season.

01:05:24Guest:Yeah, got on.

01:05:24Guest:And that...

01:05:26Guest:Audition was on Saturday.

01:05:27Guest:Tuesday, I was back from Hawaii at the Laugh Factory, did that place, got a standing ovation, and went to Las Vegas the next morning.

01:05:37Guest:And then we shot in Vegas two days, and then by Friday, I was living in the house and hadn't been home.

01:05:44Guest:And Jay pulled me to the side after Vegas, and he goes, you know, NBC's here, right?

01:05:48Guest:And I go, yeah.

01:05:49Guest:He goes, you need to know something.

01:05:51Guest:We had a meeting yesterday in Los Angeles.

01:05:53Guest:And they are very nervous how good you're doing.

01:05:59Guest:They've never had anyone your size on primetime television before.

01:06:05Guest:And they're very nervous that you will do well in this and last longer.

01:06:11Guest:And they think that this is going to bring down the show.

01:06:14Guest:He goes, you have to give them a standing ovation every time.

01:06:17Guest:The audience has to speak that they can't get you off.

01:06:21Guest:If it's close at all, you're gone.

01:06:23Marc:So because you're a fat guy again, they want to push you out because they think you're unappealing.

01:06:29Guest:Yeah.

01:06:30Guest:And I knew it was true because I just... That was in February was when the last comic happened.

01:06:38Guest:In January, I had auditioned at the Laugh Factory with 20 comedians and a fellow Pablo Francisco, who was a beast at the time, and Dane Cook, who hadn't hit what he's doing now, but was just fucking amazing.

01:06:54Guest:And we were showcasing for Conan O'Brien.

01:06:57Guest:And I...

01:06:58Guest:I went up 16th and got the only standing O in five minutes.

01:07:03Guest:And so we're all in the lobby and a bunch of comics are hanging out and talking to the booker.

01:07:08Guest:And Dane Cook, to his credit, goes, so when are you going to put Ralphie on?

01:07:13Guest:Ralphie should be the first one, but after him, when can the rest of us get on?

01:07:18Guest:And the guy goes, actually, I can't put Ralphie on.

01:07:21Guest:And, and Daniel was like, what?

01:07:23Guest:And Daniel started pressing the point.

01:07:25Guest:What do you mean?

01:07:25Guest:Why not?

01:07:26Guest:He just fucked this place up.

01:07:27Guest:Got a standing ovation.

01:07:29Guest:And, uh, and he goes, he's just not the right size.

01:07:33Marc:Really?

01:07:34Guest:Yeah.

01:07:35Guest:Yeah.

01:07:35Guest:And, um, isn't that lawsuit shit?

01:07:38Yeah.

01:07:38Guest:It should be, but it's not.

01:07:40Guest:They have their choice to discriminate against whoever they want to put on their network.

01:07:45Guest:And that was a hard lesson to learn, man.

01:07:48Guest:In a game that you think is equal, all that matters is what the crowd... I never thought it was equal.

01:07:55Guest:I know what you mean.

01:07:56Guest:Yeah, but there's a certain... You make your own...

01:07:59Guest:but this isn't this isn't stand-up this is television yeah so now you got this fire in your fucking brain right right and i've got this defeatist attitude that i'm fucking done and and then but you had to kill i had to kill and that's why i did different jokes every time and i got a standing ovation every every time i performed on that whole show and i still came in second but it was that was politics

01:08:22Guest:i probably yeah i mean the show was recut there was you're not are you bitter about that good to god no man if this is if this is getting robbed it's like my fans i mean once or twice a day i'll get people still tell me you got fucked on last comic standing but what happened was the only thing i can liken it to is um 1988 when the first heavy medical um um uh

01:08:46Guest:heavy metal, um, Grammy award was given instead to Metallica who was transforming heavy metal, uh, was given to Jethro Tull, a band with a fucking flute.

01:08:56Guest:And then after that, their, their sales went through the roof.

01:09:00Guest:Cause after I last on last comic standing, I came in second, my album, uh,

01:09:04Guest:The pre-sale was like 500,000 units for DVDs and CDs total.

01:09:11Guest:Okay.

01:09:11Guest:Jesus Christ.

01:09:12Guest:And that was the pre-sale.

01:09:14Guest:And then it went platinum within... It was released in November by...

01:09:22Guest:Mid-December, it was already over a million units sold.

01:09:26Guest:Target picked it up.

01:09:28Guest:Walmart picked it up.

01:09:30Guest:All these big box stores, Best Buy picked it up.

01:09:34Guest:And so I moved that many units off of being, and then I went from making $800 a week or $1,200 a week headliner to pulling down $10,000, $15,000, and then up from there.

01:09:49Marc:And that was right after Last Comic.

01:09:51Guest:Right after Last Comic.

01:09:53Marc:Well, shit, so you've had a good run and you're still having it.

01:09:55Guest:Yeah, I just keep on putting out albums, Mark.

01:09:58Marc:How many you got out?

01:09:59Guest:Four now, and I'm taping October 1st, another Comedy Central album.

01:10:04Guest:I've got... This one's going to be really good, man.

01:10:08Guest:This one's going to be...

01:10:09Guest:It's transcending stand-up.

01:10:10Guest:It's more social.

01:10:12Guest:It's talking examples about the Arizona law against Mexicans and how it's just race-based.

01:10:18Guest:I'm talking about that.

01:10:20Guest:I'm talking about gays in the military.

01:10:21Guest:I'm talking about how our government uses racism as a hologram to keep us looking at each other instead of looking at them and seeing what they're doing.

01:10:27Guest:Gulf of Tonkin incident didn't happen.

01:10:30Guest:It was white versus black.

01:10:31Guest:And I get blamed where it is.

01:10:34Guest:But I also share that story about meeting a Mexican kid in 1984, a Mexican guy who came to our town, first Mexican ever met, May 17, 1986.

01:10:45Guest:And he knocked on our door and said for $10 he'd mow the yard.

01:10:50Guest:And I said, well,

01:10:51Guest:How about for 12, you edge the driveway, too?

01:10:54Guest:My mom gave me $20 to do it.

01:10:56Guest:So fuck it.

01:10:57Guest:I just made $8 and didn't have to do it.

01:10:59Guest:You know, it's terrific.

01:11:00Guest:You know, welcome to America.

01:11:01Guest:That's capitalism.

01:11:02Guest:I'm a supervisor now.

01:11:03Guest:Right.

01:11:04Guest:So afterwards we get done.

01:11:05Guest:I take him out a big old glass of water and and.

01:11:09Guest:In broken English, I asked him, how did you get here?

01:11:12Guest:Because that was the first Mexican I ever met.

01:11:14Guest:And he explained that it was hard, but it was like his two-year-old daughter had died from drinking bad water.

01:11:23Guest:And then the day after the funeral, he and his family packed up everything they had and walked to America five days to the desert.

01:11:30Guest:And that was like a month ago.

01:11:32Guest:And here he was in my little town pushing a lawnmower.

01:11:35Guest:And I just thought that was the most incredible story I'd ever heard.

01:11:38Guest:And I went around with him around the neighborhood and shared that.

01:11:42Guest:But I talk about that and how, you know, there's- Did you give him the other $8?

01:11:46Guest:Fuck no.

01:11:48Guest:Fuck no.

01:11:48Guest:But hey, that was a deal.

01:11:49Guest:That was made.

01:11:50Guest:Okay.

01:11:50Guest:That money was spent.

01:11:51Guest:But I did walk with him and get him more business.

01:11:53Guest:And he would mow my yard for free.

01:11:55Guest:So ultimately, it all worked out great.

01:11:57Guest:I made more money after that.

01:11:59Guest:But it's something that you need to transcend these stories.

01:12:04Guest:You need to personalize and make it something better.

01:12:07Guest:But I'm also taking on the word nigger.

01:12:09Guest:After 40-something years of equal rights in this country, presumed equal rights, we still leave a loaded gun out there for our children.

01:12:17Guest:And I'm trying to remove the gun.

01:12:20Guest:And it's a big undertaking.

01:12:22Guest:And it's a battle.

01:12:24Guest:It's self-righteous.

01:12:25Guest:And in this next album, I'm trying to start my own religion, an updated Christianity that doesn't require the hypocrisy of a church.

01:12:34Guest:And I got a gospel choir, and it's going to be a fucking big, big undertaking.

01:12:39Marc:The gospel of Ralphie May coming soon.

01:12:43Guest:Comedy Central probably in February is what they're telling me.

01:12:45Guest:And this one might end up being two hours instead of just another hour special for Comedy Central.

01:12:50Marc:That's fucking awesome.

01:12:51Marc:Thanks for talking, Ralphie.

01:12:52Marc:Thank you, man.

01:12:53Marc:I appreciate it, Mr. Mayer.

01:12:54Marc:Good to see you.

01:13:00Marc:That's it, folks.

01:13:01Marc:Hopefully I'll see you in Boston at the Magnus Comedy Fest at the Wilbur Theater, either for my live stand-up show or the live WTF.

01:13:08Marc:That's this Friday, 7 and 10 p.m., I believe.

01:13:12Marc:Other than that, go to WTFPod.com, get some Just Coffee.

01:13:16Marc:Do yourself a favor.

01:13:17Marc:Lay off the, if you can help yourself, maybe you don't need to drink any Luwak shit coffee, though I appreciate it.

01:13:29Marc:I'm still drinking it.

01:13:30Marc:It's not getting any better.

01:13:32Marc:I really wanted it to be good.

01:13:34Marc:Do whatever else you need to do there.

01:13:35Marc:Get on the mailing list.

01:13:37Marc:I'm very diligent about emailing everybody.

01:13:40Marc:And I don't feel good.

01:13:44Marc:Damn it.

01:13:47Marc:All right.

01:13:56.

01:14:06.