Episode 243 - Bert Kreischer
Guest:are we doing this really wait for it are we doing this wait for it pow what the fuck and it's also what the fuck what's wrong with me it's time for wtf what the fuck with mark maron
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fucksters?
Marc:What the fucking fucks?
Marc:Okay, that's enough.
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:How is everybody?
Marc:Thank you for joining me.
Marc:Or thank you for taking me out of the computer and putting me in your head.
Marc:It is still the new year.
Marc:Everything's going okay, I guess.
Marc:Who's on the show today?
Marc:Bert Kreischer.
Marc:Very engaging, funny man, that Bert Kreischer.
Marc:I've known him for a bit for years, but we've never hung out and looking forward to hanging out with him.
Marc:It's good times.
Marc:He's a fun man.
Marc:Some people are just fun.
Marc:I don't know that anyone's ever really said that about me.
Marc:You know, that Marin, he's a fun guy.
Marc:No, I mean, very rarely I think has that ever been said about me in my life where this is the conversation.
Marc:Yeah, you know Marc Maron?
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Marc Maron?
Marc:That guy is fucking fun to be around.
Marc:I don't think that conversation has ever happened.
Marc:That Marc Maron, what a sweet, fun guy.
Marc:I mean, you hang out with him, and it's like time just flies by, and it's almost like you're at an amusement park or something.
Marc:He's just so fun.
Marc:What a fun, fun guy that Marc Maron is.
Marc:I don't think that I don't know.
Marc:Maybe it has.
Marc:Let's let's do a little bit of work.
Marc:There's a little bit of sad work to be done.
Marc:Let me let me put this out there because I think it's important.
Marc:I think it's sad.
Marc:The comedy community in Los Angeles lost a young comic a few days ago.
Marc:Angelo Bowers, who I didn't really know.
Marc:And I maybe had met once or twice, was killed in a car accident.
Marc:And it's just awful.
Marc:And another comic was with him.
Marc:Josh Adam Myers was with him, and he was hospitalized.
Marc:He's still in the hospital.
Marc:They're doing a benefit at the Hollywood Improv in the big room on Wednesday, January 11th at 10 o'clock p.m.
Marc:I'm going to be on there.
Marc:Harlan Williams is going to be there.
Marc:Aziz Ansari, Todd Glass.
Marc:So if you if you can come to that, all the money is going to go for, you know, Josh needs some help with some medical expenses and the arrangements for Angelo and whatnot.
Marc:Very tragic.
Marc:Horrible.
Marc:Also, on the tragic side of things, I don't want to get I just this needs to be done.
Marc:Ron Shock, who was one of the.
Marc:One of the most important comics of the last 30 years, really, for the influence he had on so many people, especially Bill Hicks.
Marc:And also just an amazing storyteller.
Marc:I had him on this show in the beginning out in Vegas.
Marc:He's just one of the best.
Marc:And he's got cancer.
Marc:He's got some problems.
Marc:And they're bad.
Marc:So he might need your help too.
Marc:So if you could go to ronshock.com, there's a clicker there.
Marc:There's a cancer fund link just up above the video area.
Marc:And if you go there, you can watch a great old video of Bill Hicks as well before Bill moved from Houston to New York, I believe.
Marc:Ron had tremendous impact on Bill.
Marc:And Ron is sick and needs your help.
Marc:So go to ronshock.com.
Marc:Say hello.
Marc:Do what you can.
Marc:And there's a link there on the site to help Ron out.
Marc:Now, moving on from that.
Marc:I guess I should plug some dates, if I could, January 13th and 14th.
Marc:That's this Friday and Saturday, Salt Lake City.
Marc:I'm at Wise Guys Atlanta, January 19th through 22nd at the Laughing Skull Lounge and in Boston for the Big Magners Comedy Fest.
Marc:That's on January 27th.
Marc:We're doing a live stand-up and a live WTF with some great old Boston comics who I worked with when I was starting out, and I'm very excited to see them all.
Marc:Now let's address the problem at hand.
Marc:Is your life fucked up because you cannot stop tweeting?
Marc:I have to be honest with you.
Marc:I never thought I would have to admit something like this.
Marc:And it's a joke, but it's not a joke because I've been strung out on booze.
Marc:I have had problems with alcohol, with sex, with festering.
Marc:Anything that can get me out of me, I will opt for that if that's possible.
Marc:Now, obviously, you can joke about Twitter being addictive, but God damn it if it isn't really addictive.
Marc:It's causing problems in my relationship.
Marc:I was reprimanded.
Marc:I was in Florida.
Marc:I talked to you about being at the Hemingway House last week.
Marc:The Hemingway House.
Marc:We're walking room to room.
Marc:I'm with my girlfriend, Jessica, enjoying the Hemingway House.
Marc:But I said, hey, maybe my 80 plus thousand followers would like to enjoy my trip to the Hemingway House as well.
Marc:So then I started tweeting a little bit.
Marc:And she said, what are you doing?
Marc:And I said, well, I'm just tweeting because I'm doing this thing.
Marc:I think it's good for my followers to enjoy this with me.
Marc:And she goes, well, if you do that, that means you're not present.
Marc:You're not here with me and you're doing it with them.
Marc:And I'm ashamed of this.
Marc:I said, mind your own fucking business.
Marc:I said, mind your own fucking business.
Marc:I'm with her tweeting to you.
Marc:And then that's not really the problem, though.
Marc:The compulsive problem of Twitter is not the tweetage.
Marc:It's the refreshing of the mentions.
Marc:Oh, you know that one.
Marc:That's the speedball there.
Marc:The refreshing of the mentions.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I'm going to say something on the Twitter and I'm going to wait a second.
Marc:And then what are they saying?
Marc:Did anyone retweet my tweet because I'm a Twitter twat?
Marc:huh refresh those mentions and then you hide it that's the other thing is like here i was in trouble she didn't want to talk to me i actually took a stand i was like fuck this fuck you i mean this is part of what i do i i tweet in the middle of vacations at tourist attractions where we're supposed to be walking through holding hands being present and i'm like fuck you mind your own business i'll meet you out front
Marc:And I went and sat out front on principle.
Marc:I should have the right to tweet when I want, being the Twitter twat that I am.
Marc:And I sat there refreshing my mentions like a junkie, just sitting out in front of the Hemingway house, refreshing mentions, refreshing mentions.
Marc:It's pathetic.
Marc:So just know that the definition of a problem with anything addictive is that it makes your life unmanageable.
Marc:I'm going to have to throw GPS on the, on the fire there too.
Marc:The GPS on my iPhone and on her iPhone has caused some tremendous fights.
Marc:So between Twitter and the GPS, because if we're in the car and she GPS is something and we get fucked up, then she has to take responsibility for her GPS in my mind.
Marc:So I will get mad at her because her GPS sucks.
Marc:And that has started fights.
Marc:GPS and Twitter, man, these are relationship killers.
Marc:I'm just, I'm giving you a heads up.
Marc:I should tweet that.
Oh,
Marc:You pictured yourself with a library.
Guest:I pictured myself eclectic, you know?
Marc:You did?
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:Like, my first day of college, like, I really felt like I was going to be, like, this very interesting, you know, go get the Grateful Dead album.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, like, let's smoke weed.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And experiment with drugs and wear Birkenstocks.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now I'm just this lame old guy.
Marc:Well, wait, were you ever that guy, though, or did you just get to the weed?
Guest:No, when I went to... No, the weed was...
Marc:Where'd you stop in that quest for uniqueness?
Marc:After my first beer, I realized, what's the point of having that shit?
Marc:I don't have to leave my room.
Guest:I would have been the hippie at Woodstock, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, with your politics.
Guest:Let's get fucked up.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I miss most of the show.
Guest:This is a rally?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, well, there was a lot of people like that.
Marc:You wouldn't have been alone in that.
Marc:Most people were just there for the show.
Marc:So what happened?
Marc:What happened to the quest for having books?
Guest:Just shallowness of partying.
Guest:Joined a fraternity.
Guest:Fucking just became exactly what I thought I wouldn't be.
Marc:But wait, Bert Kreischer is in the garage.
Marc:You might know him as Bert the Conqueror.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Also, you were...
Marc:I think you were renowned for being a guy.
Marc:The number one party animal in the country.
Marc:That's 1997, man.
Marc:You're going to have to put that behind you on something.
Marc:Tell me about it.
Marc:Who am I to talk, though?
Marc:I can't seem to let go of stuff that happened when I was 20.
Guest:I get caught.
Guest:I got to a point where I was telling my wife, I'm so tired of that.
Marc:Do you really still have people coming out for that?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How did that stick so hard?
Guest:This is what happened.
Guest:I remember one time I was sitting at a bar talking to Attell, and he was saying, we were at the Miami Improv, and he was saying, you can't always count on the club manager watching your set.
Guest:You can't always count on them appreciating good comedy.
Guest:What you can count on is that if you're bringing people and they're drinking, they're going to bring you back.
Guest:And I remember the next week I was at the Houston Laugh Stop.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the owner was telling me what Attel's drink numbers were.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He was like, he sold like three, whatever that was outrageous.
Guest:And I remember the way he was talking about it, it was like he had seen his dick and it was huge.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, fuck, I want to have those numbers.
Guest:And so then I just started like, in my head, I was like, if I party on stage, I can always keep my shit together.
Guest:I've always been a big partier and I could never, I never like lost it.
Guest:Like I never get too drunk that I can't perform.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, never.
Marc:There's still time, you know.
Marc:I mean, a lot of times it's better to wait on that stuff.
Marc:Like a lot of times it's,
Marc:It's a better story when you're like 50, washed up, and you're peeing yourself like Kippa Dada.
Guest:I used to hear stories about Ron White.
Guest:He'd show up at the clubs at noon and start drinking in high tops, shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt, and just drink all day, and then do his show.
Marc:See, like I'm saying, if you really kind of structure your career and your alcoholism properly, I think that there's no reason for you not to reinvent...
Marc:The alcoholic.
Marc:You know, being a young alcoholic, anyone can do that.
Guest:If I was going to, if I could scrap it all and start over, I'd just start with Coke.
Marc:Oh, burn it down quick.
Marc:But then, you know, your timing gets fucked up.
Marc:At least when you're fucking drunk.
Marc:Does it, though?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Definitely.
Marc:Some people, I think, can do it, but for me, I know.
Marc:Things move a little quicker.
Guest:I can't imagine you're set on Coke.
Marc:They move a little quicker.
Guest:Guys, you gotta keep up.
Marc:Not a lot of time for waiting for laughs.
Marc:And there's still plenty of time to get mad at them for not laughing.
Guest:Yeah, so then I thought I was going to be this different guy.
Guest:When I left high school, I was an athlete, kind of hung out, went to an all-boys Catholic high school.
Guest:Where'd you grow up?
Guest:Oh, you were Catholic?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You grew up in fucking Florida, man.
Marc:Florida's freaky.
Marc:It's a weird place.
Marc:It's a really weird place.
Marc:But Tampa's less weird than the East Coast, isn't it?
Guest:Yeah, the East Coast has got this weird racial thing going on.
Marc:But it's a mixed bag.
Guest:It's like rednecks, Jews, Cubans.
Guest:Rednecks, yeah.
Guest:Native Americans and black people and Haitians.
Guest:It's bizarre.
Guest:It's like Carl Hiaasen.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:If it were another time in history, maybe a really amazing new musical form would come out of that.
Yeah.
Marc:But I think those days are over.
Marc:Now you just get confused, jappy fashion choices.
Guest:Paris Hilton and just hip hop.
Guest:Great hip hop.
Marc:Hip hop and Paris Hilton.
Guest:So, yeah, I grew up in Florida and I thought to myself that I could that in high school.
Guest:I remember my dad saying, when you go to college, you can reinvent yourself.
Guest:And I was like, I was like, that's what I'm going to do.
Marc:Like you've already established what you've invented yourself to be in high school.
Marc:Yeah, but not consciously.
Marc:I mean, I imagine if someone said if my dad said you can go to college and reinvent yourself, be like, you don't love me.
Marc:It would not make sense.
Marc:I could not profit.
Marc:I wouldn't be able to process that.
Marc:I think it happens naturally.
Marc:It's like starting fresh.
Guest:You have a clean start.
Guest:I never worked in high school, never studied, never took anything serious, loved sports, loved chicks and fighting, like all the kind of stuff meathead kids would do.
Guest:And it just came naturally because that's what – in an all-boys Catholic high school, that's what happened.
Guest:And then I went to Florida State and I was like – my first day I was like, I'm going to just –
Guest:I wanted to grow my hair out, and my friends aren't the kind of friends that you could just grow your hair out.
Marc:Oh, so you wanted to turn your back on your meathead past.
Guest:I wanted a fresh start.
Guest:I remember feeling that distinctly.
Guest:I remember getting a bank card.
Guest:My dad gave me a bank card, and he's like, there's going to be 40 bucks in it.
Guest:And he's like, spend it carefully.
Guest:And I took that 40 bucks, and the first day went to the student union, and bought a Grateful Dead poster, and-
Marc:Oh, so you were really like, you know, you were gonna, you know, you're gonna do the hippie thing.
Marc:Yeah, I was big into the doors.
Marc:So, okay, so in high school, you were this jockey, bully asshole that beat people up?
Guest:Not a bully asshole at all.
Guest:Not even close.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Tell me about the fighting part.
Guest:Just fights, man.
Guest:You didn't have fights growing up?
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:Come on.
Marc:I'm a Jew.
Marc:I negotiate.
Marc:Every guy got in fights, like...
Marc:No, I guess it's just going to be another line on my pussy dossier.
Guest:Hey, listen, I never liked fighting.
Marc:I was very diplomatic.
Marc:I could walk amongst all different cliques with equal.
Guest:Yeah, but you grew up, you went to high school at a different time.
Guest:Morrissey was probably big when you were in high school.
Marc:I went to high school.
Marc:I graduated in 1981, so I don't think Morrissey was quite.
Guest:Oh, Jesus.
Guest:You graduated in 1981?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Don't be freaked out.
Marc:I mean, why?
Marc:I look younger is what you're saying.
Marc:You look a lot younger.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Do you dye your mustache?
Marc:No, I don't dye anything.
Marc:You really don't dye your mustache?
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:I really don't dye anything.
Guest:You've got a great color.
Guest:You're not going gray at all.
Marc:I am on the sides.
God.
Guest:I look like I'm fucking 47.
Guest:I know.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:50?
Guest:38.
Guest:38.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:See?
Marc:It's good, man.
Marc:But that's good for comedy.
Marc:You're kind of bloated and like a clown.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:i've done that in spades and i ripped my shirt off it just so wait how do you get in fights if you're not like you're hanging out with guys that's your your group of guys right we're like all football players baseball players wrestlers and and there's an all-boys as i call that the enemy go ahead so anytime we wanted to meet chicks we had to meet chicks from other schools
Guest:So you go to another party to hang out with chicks and inevitably a fight would start.
Guest:I mean, I got in a few fights growing up.
Guest:I wasn't like I was a big fighter, but I definitely got in a few fights and I went to college and I was like, I'm just going to find out who I really am.
Guest:Nice.
Marc:And the first thing you do is buy a Grateful Dead shirt.
Marc:That gives you a pass.
Marc:That's almost like an entree into a world of like, I'm just checking shit out.
Marc:Don't pressure me.
Marc:I got a pass that I'm not proud of and I'm really trying to get in touch with myself.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Bought some Birkenstocks.
Marc:Oh, geez.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was in.
Guest:I was so in.
Marc:You erased the old birch.
Marc:Started growing my hair out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Grew some facial hair.
Guest:I was like, this is what I'm fucking talking about.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then the first, that was the first day that everyone got there.
Guest:And then we had orientation.
Guest:And I met this guy, Miles.
Guest:And he was living on the black floor.
Guest:And Florida State was very segregated.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There was a black floor and then white floors in the dorms.
Marc:Was it segregated in the catalog or just sort of happened that way?
Guest:No, it had to be in the catalog.
Guest:I'm telling you.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Four is for black people.
Guest:Well, the thing is, Florida State was predominantly the white school and then FAMU was predominantly the black school.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so all the football players lived in the dorm and they all put them on the third floor.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So it was all brothers on the third floor.
Guest:My buddy Miles was like, he want to go get high and drunk with the brothers and before orientation.
Guest:And I was like, fuck yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I showed up in a Grateful Dead shirt and they were like, take that shit off, son.
Guest:And I was like, oh, oh.
Guest:So much for the new identity.
Guest:So much for the new identity.
Guest:A week later, I joined a fraternity.
Guest:Next thing you know, I'm the number one party animal in the country.
Guest:i just glazed past that growth yeah yeah you had the shortest deadhead period in the world your deadhead period just meant you bought a t-shirt with the dream of perhaps seeing the band at some point yeah i mean i'd drink i'd like dabble in it again like follow like go see some fish concerts yeah and like and i definitely did a ton of drugs in college but but uh but yeah and then um you know
Marc:But I know you've probably covered this before.
Marc:So in terms of the notoriety of being that guy.
Marc:But I mean, what kind of family did you come from?
Marc:What was the old man's racket?
Guest:Very normal.
Guest:He was a lawyer.
Guest:Oh, all right.
Guest:My mom was a schoolteacher.
Marc:So middle class, doing all right.
Marc:Catholic, not too heavy.
Guest:Not at all.
Marc:No?
Guest:Very light Catholic.
Guest:Two sisters, younger.
Marc:You don't have Jesus branded into your brain?
Guest:Not at all.
Marc:Just culturally Catholic?
Guest:Culturally like a cafeteria Catholic.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Like picking Jews.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And then... You got a sister?
Guest:Two sisters.
Guest:Older?
Guest:Both younger.
Guest:Huh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And...
Guest:And literally, like, I mean, just very milquetoast.
Guest:Then in college, my dad leaves my mom.
Guest:And that's when I really was like, that's it.
Marc:Nothing is real.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:That angst.
Guest:I wish I could have that again.
Guest:You will.
Guest:I can't believe you're 10 years older than me.
Guest:So...
Marc:You're a pretty happy guy, though.
Guest:I'm a really happy guy.
Marc:All right, so the folks get divorced, and you realize it's an illusion, and you're mad at both of them.
Guest:Backpack through Europe.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Go to Russia, yeah.
Marc:Wait, is this before you got the party notoriety?
Guest:No, yeah, it was before I got the party notoriety.
Marc:All right, so you got to school, you got your Grateful Dead shirt, and then you partied with the brothers.
Marc:So it wasn't directly the day after you became a fucking mess.
Guest:Yeah, it was, yeah.
Marc:You did the backpack thing.
Guest:I did the backpack thing and then really like- By yourself?
Guest:At times.
Guest:After the divorce?
Guest:After the divorce.
Marc:Ah, so you were cut loose.
Guest:I was like, fuck it, I'm dead.
Marc:Fuck it, I'm taking their money and I'm going to travel.
Guest:I'm taking their money.
Guest:I won't speak to my dad unless I need more money.
Guest:And so-
Guest:yeah and i remember those phone calls yeah yeah fuck you man i'm in trouble and then so you sided with your mom oh big time oh yeah why because there's another woman involved yeah oh yeah i'm fucking yeah i i wonder oh you know what's even crazier is that right when that happened he was like he cheated on my mom i'm sure my dad doesn't listen to wtf but
Guest:And then I instinctually, I don't know why, I just cheated on the girl I was with.
Guest:I've been dating her for four years.
Marc:You're your father's son.
Guest:And I just fucking cheated on her.
Guest:When you heard about your parents?
Guest:Or before?
Guest:It was at the same time.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, I was cheating on her.
Guest:Actually, I was cheating on her...
Guest:Mark, they told me on like fucking Tuesday at a Carrabba's.
Guest:And then we went to spring break and I said, fuck it, I'm cheating.
Guest:I don't give a shit.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Right after that.
Guest:And cheated on her with this girl that I ended up moving.
Guest:I'm sure you actually knew.
Guest:I cheated on her with Erica.
Guest:And Erica was the first person that was like, you're funny.
Guest:You're really a funny person.
Guest:You should get in this.
Guest:My ex-girlfriend, I remember telling her one time in a moment of secrecy, I want to be a comedian.
Guest:And she was like, oh yeah, but honey, you're not like smart funny.
Guest:You're like dumb funny.
Guest:And I was like, great.
Guest:So she had it coming.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I like the way you put it all in perspective.
Marc:What else am I supposed to do?
Marc:Am I going to take that shit or am I going to teach her a lesson?
Marc:I got a dick.
Marc:Let's use it.
Marc:It is kind of weird, the timing, though.
Marc:Maybe you're sort of a belief in the idea of marriage or whatever.
Marc:Who knows?
Guest:Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:Maybe it was just one of those things.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:Let's talk about the backpacking.
Marc:That must have been fucking insane.
Marc:How long did you go for?
Guest:The whole summer.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And then spent a couple months in Russia and then backpacked throughout Europe.
Guest:See, I want to go to Russia.
Marc:No?
Guest:No.
Guest:Why?
Guest:I mean, it's gorgeous, but I don't know.
Guest:When I was there, it was very corrupt.
Guest:I mean, I've told this story a number of times at different places, but I got involved with a mob when I was in Russia.
Marc:Your backpacking kid with long hair?
Guest:No, I was with a school.
Guest:I was with a school.
Guest:It's a story I've told a number of times.
Guest:I got involved with a mob because the school had to pay off the mob to keep us safe.
Guest:It was like 95 when the mob ran everything in Russia.
Marc:They didn't know about that when they planned the trip?
Guest:They totally knew it.
Guest:They totally knew it.
Marc:It was just something you did.
Guest:That's how you ensured a safe trip.
Guest:This was the college.
Guest:Yeah, and mind you, the mob ran the travel agency.
Guest:I mean, the mob had a finger in everything.
Marc:So basically it's like in order to go to Russia, you had to pay the mob.
Marc:Right.
Guest:And I remember the teachers brought fanny packs.
Guest:Remember the ones that go inside your clothes?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Filled with cash.
Guest:Money belts.
Guest:Filled with cash.
Guest:I remember this one teacher sat next to me on a plane and showed it to me.
Guest:Which school was this?
Guest:Florida State.
Guest:No shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Florida State was a weird fucking school.
Guest:Florida is weird.
Guest:I'd get to classes and they'd tell me, hey, listen, if you don't show up anymore, I'll give you a C. Yeah.
Marc:I'd be like, fucking done.
Marc:Were they telling you not to come?
Marc:Were you that much of a problem?
Guest:I was in a film class and I was fucking funny as shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I sat dead centers where I had to sit.
Guest:And whatever he said, it was like he was setting me up perfect for everything.
Guest:And I was not only making everyone in the class laugh.
Guest:It was a big class of 1,000 kids.
Guest:I was making him laugh hysterically.
Guest:And he pulled me aside.
Guest:He called me one day.
Guest:My roommate was in the same class answered the phone.
Guest:And he goes, listen, if you just, well, he goes, I'm looking at your grades right now.
Guest:You have to get 143 on the next test to even pass.
Guest:So if you don't show up, I'll give you a C.
Guest:He's like, I can't get through the class with you in the class.
Guest:And I can't chastise you because you're making me laugh in front of everyone.
Guest:It's just not working.
Guest:So just don't come to class.
Marc:I'll give you a C. So that's what you call a successful first stand-up comedy attempt.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:You disarmed authority.
Marc:They could not reprimand you publicly without looking like they were part of it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And the rest of the class loved you.
Marc:And the class fucking ate it up.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You were, you were like, it's one of those, it's a, it's an analogy I make, um, about, uh, you know, why, you know, comics are special.
Marc:It's like, you know, you go to a dinner party and, you know, you just, you know, you, you do what you do.
Marc:And then at the end, the host is walking you out and says, look, we really enjoyed what you had to say, but you're never coming back to our house again.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's exactly what it's like.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You really have something special there.
Marc:We just, uh, you know, it's not for us.
Marc:You're causing trouble.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So, okay.
Marc:So that, so that happened.
Marc:So that was a, that's how you knew you were going to be a comic on some level.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then, and then I told the Rolling Stone guy, I wanted to be a comic and he wrote it in the article.
Guest:And so then everyone wanted me to try it.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So let's get the timeline, right?
Marc:So let's go back to, uh, to the, the Europe and the Russia, the well, the well honed Russian mob story.
Marc:I think we're going to go into now.
Guest:We can or we can.
Guest:I don't care.
Marc:Well, I mean, maybe I'll find some nuances that others have not tapped.
Marc:Maybe I'll burrow into the Kreischer mind and find a nougat in there.
Guest:It all started with drinking.
Guest:I wasn't a big drinker, to be dead honest with you, up until that point.
Guest:I barely ever drank.
Guest:Until you got to Russia.
Guest:Until I got to Russia.
Guest:I'd smoke weed and I'd eat mushrooms and we'd do acid and we'd get wild on weekends, but I wasn't like a hardcore drinker where I would say I am now.
Marc:And it's sort of required in Russia.
Guest:Well, what happened is I realized that I had seen my friends do it in college and I realized that when you didn't, when you were uncomfortable, if you drank, it made situations better.
Guest:And the very first day we get to the thing and they tell us, you know, listen, we've got- To what thing?
Guest:To the hotel.
Guest:In Russia?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All our classes were in one hotel.
Guest:What kind of classes?
Guest:Russian literature, Russian language, advanced Russian Slavonics.
Guest:And I didn't speak any Russian.
Guest:I didn't speak any Russian because at Florida State, when I showed up to the class, she said, listen, we need 14 people in the class.
Guest:If you stick around, I'll give you a C. So you give me some Russian, nothing?
Guest:I can speak Russian now.
Marc:You can?
Guest:Yeah, a little bit.
Guest:I can definitely understand it.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I work pussy.
Guest:Well, it really means I work with cats.
Guest:But if you do this, people understand.
Guest:I do too.
Guest:I should know that one.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:yeah i work with cats i work with cats yeah yeah i do yeah but so you framed it as a joke though i framed it as a joke to make the guys laugh and how'd that go they loved it they didn't get it at first but then when i'd walk them through it they thought it was fucking hilarious what was the most practical bit of russian that you learned
Guest:which is let's go yeah let's fucking go i heard that a lot so the very first day there and i spoke no russian i was only there and because you're 19 years old 22 22 and uh they said to us i think 22 they said listen they said to the class we've we've paid the mob to keep us safe to kind of keep an eye on us on the hotel and in the hotel they're going to follow us places we go so that we don't get shaken down
Guest:We got two gangsters, Igor and Sasha.
Guest:Don't talk to them.
Guest:Don't make eye contact with them.
Guest:Don't engage them.
Guest:Don't anything.
Guest:And to you, that meant, yeah.
Guest:Fucking get to know these guys.
Guest:Those are the guys.
Guest:That's what in my head, because I just, that's the way I saw life.
Guest:Like, ha, let's get to know real Russian gangsters.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:So the first night, I grabbed a bottle of vodka, bought a six-pack of Baltica.
Guest:It's like the popular Russian beer.
Guest:And I went to their door, and they were staying in the room directly next to mine and knocked on their door.
Guest:Coincidence?
Guest:Ah, you be the judge.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:And one of the teachers was across the hall from them.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so I knocked on the door.
Guest:We weren't supposed to even talk to them.
Guest:I knocked on the door, and I had planned in my head on saying...
Guest:I don't know what I had planned on saying because I didn't know any Russian.
Guest:But I had tried to say, like, And so I knocked on their door.
Marc:That is, hi, I'm Bert.
Marc:Where's the pussy?
Guest:Hi, I'm Bert.
Guest:Nice to meet you.
Guest:I work pussy.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And so I knocked on the door, and I see, like, a real Russian gangster.
Guest:Like, I remember greasy hair, like, just without a smile.
Guest:They don't smile much in Russia.
Guest:And he just looked at me, and he went, like, what?
Guest:Like, what the fuck?
Guest:Not like a fun, like, hey.
Guest:And all that came out of my mouth, I don't know how it was phrased.
Guest:I don't know what I said.
Guest:All I said to him in Russian was, I am the machine.
Guest:And he just fucking thought that was hilarious.
Guest:Where did that come from?
Guest:I just panicked.
Guest:I think in retrospect, and only because they're making shirts, and I talked to a Russian guy, what he probably said I was trying to say was, Yeah.
Guest:Like, I am a man.
Guest:I don't know what I was trying to say.
Guest:I just panicked and said, yeah, I'm a machine.
Guest:And he went, huh?
Guest:I said, I'm the machine.
Guest:And then he went, wait, come in and tell my friends what you just said.
Guest:So then there's a room of Russian gangsters smoking cigarettes, playing the guitar.
Guest:And he said, say it.
Guest:And I said, I'm the machine.
Guest:And they went...
Guest:He's the machine.
Guest:And so we all just started chatting.
Guest:He's the machine.
Guest:And then I drank with him all night.
Guest:And all I said was, I'm the machine.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like they'd be talking.
Guest:And then I just go, I'm the machine.
Guest:And they go, he's the machine.
Marc:So you're like the drunk American moron.
Guest:I was the drunk American moron.
Guest:But mind you, they had never met that guy yet.
Guest:That guy didn't exist in their minds.
Marc:You had brought the myth of the American moron.
Guest:And I lived it in full, like I was John Belushi, John Candy, Flett, Bill Murray.
Guest:I was every, I was doing everything that they, all they know is lockdown communism up until that point.
Marc:But the guitar implies something nice.
Guest:They played a beautiful song on the guitar that I used to know how to play and it's gorgeous.
Guest:And they played it every night.
Guest:It's the one song they knew.
Marc:They just had the guitar for the one song.
Marc:That was the only thing that tethered them to any sort of sense of humanity.
Guest:Igor would play that song and chicks would fucking drop.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Igor was a good guitar player.
Marc:Okay, so it was just a device.
Guest:Yeah, and then I taught him everything.
Guest:I taught him fucking brown-eyed girl.
Guest:Oh, you did?
Guest:Yeah, I told him everything that I knew.
Guest:I was the same guy back in Florida State.
Guest:Just some meathead playing the guitar to get pussy.
Guest:Like Skid Row.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:So yes.
Guest:Me and Igor became really close.
Guest:Sasha was in and out.
Guest:He wasn't with us all the time.
Marc:But me and Igor became like... Now what are we talking though?
Marc:Were they killers?
Guest:Were they just sort of... One night we got drunk and Igor... I remember asking Igor how he got involved in the whole thing.
Guest:He said, man, I just miss communism.
Guest:Like, I didn't have to do anything.
Guest:My dad never had to do anything.
Guest:My brothers never had to do anything.
Guest:And then all of a sudden, one day, I'm like, you know, 25 years old, 20 years old, and they're like, time to get a job.
Guest:And he's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Guest:Like, I just want to drink and hang out with my friends the way everyone else does, and the government takes care of us.
Guest:And he's like, and so, in essence, Igor's, not his, like, his, I don't know if I'm using this right, his mea culpa, but what he was saying was, I just...
Guest:I was born into a bad situation.
Guest:I'm only going to live till 50.
Guest:That's like the average lifespan of a Russian.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm in the prime of my life.
Guest:I didn't expect communism to go away.
Guest:And now all of a sudden, I got to figure out how to provide for myself and become capitalist, which was never inherent in my makeup.
Guest:To make money on your own.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was like, so this is just the past of least resistance.
Guest:And there were a lot of guys like that.
Guest:A lot of his friends that you hung out with, you totally got the sense that they didn't
Marc:they were they were low-level employees of the mob they weren't they weren't inner circle guys they were just they were given the jobs like you know keep an eye keep on these kids who gets a job he's got a babysitting job and he was just like fuck it it's good money what am i gonna say so it wasn't like you're with these menacing people that were it wasn't the guy from eastern promises
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Selling, you know, selling renegade nuclear products.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:Or gun running.
Guest:It wasn't Tarzan who was living in Miami selling subs to deal cocaine.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But it was, you know, but there were definitely times where you saw.
Guest:But they could call that guy if they needed to.
Guest:One time, Igor promised the class a boat.
Guest:uh they had the the tourism the people who were in charge of our thing had promised a a mayday trip around the russian river and um and i it was like at nine in the morning right and so at like 8 30 i get up to go to igor's room yeah and start drinking because he's in there with like five friends and they're eating dried fish and drinking baltica and so i said um
Guest:I said, were we going on the boat?
Guest:And he was in Russian.
Guest:They're all talking.
Guest:And Igor looks at me and goes, we don't have a boat.
Guest:I said, what do you mean you don't have a boat?
Guest:He goes, we don't have a boat.
Guest:Like no one ever got a boat.
Guest:I don't know what the fuck everyone's talking about a boat.
Guest:And my class is putting on ponchos and have their passports and their cameras and their flashcards.
Guest:And they're like, we're so ready to go on the river and point out the things we see.
Guest:And he goes, really?
Guest:And then one of our supervisors came in and goes, all right, are we ready?
Guest:And Igor and his friends were like, please do them.
Guest:And so we all got up and we all started walking.
Guest:Our thing was really close to the river, our hotel.
Guest:We start walking to the river and I'm carrying a case of beer and Igor's got a case of beer and I know we don't have a fucking boat.
Guest:You're the only one who knows.
Guest:I know.
Guest:And Igor knows.
Guest:And there's like four friends that are going with us on the boat.
Guest:And their one girlfriend.
Guest:Everyone knows we don't have a boat.
Guest:All of a sudden, one of Igor's friends comes jogging up to us and says to him in Russian, I got a boat.
Guest:And Igor's like, you got a boat?
Guest:And he goes, I got a boat.
Guest:It's ready for us.
Guest:And he goes, all right.
Guest:And he's like, no.
Guest:He's like, hey, we got a boat.
Guest:So we all get on the boat and there's a, it's a beautiful boat.
Guest:It's like the boat.
Guest:Do you remember the boat from, uh, Sid and Nancy that they, the sex pistols got arrested on?
Guest:Oh yeah.
Guest:That like fucking like that kind of boat.
Guest:So that's all I remember thinking when I saw it, we walk up, we get on the boat, we're loading shit on all of a sudden the dock master comes down and goes, um,
Guest:He goes, hey, I'm going to need to see the papers before you guys take off.
Guest:And Igor's friends goes, I got your paper.
Guest:And he lifts his shirt up and shows a gun.
Guest:He goes, there's your papers right there.
Guest:I got a fucking bunch of Americans on a boat.
Guest:What are you going to do?
Guest:And the guy was like, all right, guys, enjoy your ride.
Guest:And I saw that.
Guest:And Igor saw it.
Guest:And one of our teachers saw it.
Guest:And one of our teachers was like, he's got a fucking gun.
Guest:We have a bunch of kids on this thing.
Guest:Freaked out.
Guest:And so I just stayed.
Guest:We stayed in the galley down below with Igor and his friends smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and just laughing.
Marc:Did you become the intermediary between the mob and your teachers?
Guest:In my class.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:By the end of the trip, not by the end of the trip, before we went to Moscow, my entire class would hang out with Igor.
Guest:Every night we'd go in there.
Guest:Igor would play this one song.
Marc:And you're sitting there going, I know this.
Marc:Here comes a song.
Marc:Now he's going to hit on her.
Marc:That was it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he'd play... How many of the girls fucked him?
Guest:Probably two.
Guest:Yeah, two.
Guest:And so one girl bought an accordion.
Guest:One guy was this guy, John Bolshoi.
Guest:John Bolshoi was like my best friend.
Guest:He introduced me to comedy, like started telling me jokes.
Guest:I remember him telling me Pauly Shore jokes.
Guest:A Russian guy?
Guest:No, he was American.
Guest:His name was Big John, John Bolshoi.
Guest:And so we'd all hang out in Igor's room and we'd have a blast.
Guest:We'd have a fucking blast.
Guest:And Igor was so regular.
Guest:I mean, then in the morning we'd go out to go look at museums and Igor would go, fuck it, let's go get a –
Guest:He goes, let's go get a gin.
Guest:It's early.
Guest:I don't want to fucking go see a museum.
Guest:So me and him would just sit back at a cafe drinking gin while my class did the thing, and then they'd come back and go, let's go.
Marc:So this was really not only the roots of your ability to cross international lines with your humor, but also introduced you to morning drinking, which became important in your future.
Guest:I will do it tomorrow morning.
Guest:You will?
Guest:Yeah, when I go to Des Moines.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:I'll make a vodka soda, get in the car, head down to the airport.
Guest:That's how I do it.
Marc:Is that just... Nerves.
Guest:I keep flying.
Marc:You do?
Marc:You fly a lot.
Marc:We've tweeted a lot at different airports.
Marc:I think we ran into each other at LAX because of Twitter.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I fly 200,000 miles a year, and I'm fucking still terrified.
Marc:Well, that's a lot of energy to put into being afraid.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it is.
Marc:I mean, you do realize that you have no control over it.
Guest:Yeah, I get that.
Guest:I get all that.
Marc:Yeah, but nothing to shut it off.
Guest:Nah, the brain's crazy.
Guest:The brain just starts fucking yelling shit at me.
Marc:Yeah, like you're going to be the one that goes down.
Guest:It's blowing up now.
Guest:It's blowing up now.
Guest:It's going to blow up now.
Guest:Now, right now.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:What's that noise?
Guest:Yeah, what's that noise?
Guest:How come the noise changed?
Guest:How come you're not pulling out the noise?
Guest:Like one time the AC was on too cold and it was hot in the plane and it started smoking.
Guest:And I was like, I'm fucking seeing smoke come out of the plane and I'm choosing not to survive.
Guest:I'm choosing to die because I'm a bitch.
Guest:I'm going to sit back and go, oh, I see the smoke.
Marc:You were mad at yourself that you didn't bring it to someone's attention?
Guest:I did.
Guest:I ended up bringing it to her attention and then made the stewardess get on her knees and smell it.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I was like, smell it.
Marc:Yeah, I had a situation like that where I saw some oil coming out of something on the wing.
Marc:And I said, you know, I just want to bring it to someone's attention.
Marc:And, you know, the flight attendants are all trained to say the same thing.
Marc:Oh, that's normal.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, really?
Guest:Because they're fucking sheep.
Guest:And they just say, oh, yeah, it's okay.
Marc:No, it's because they have to manage people like you who at the drop of a dime could start freaking out and freak everyone on the fucking plane out.
Guest:That's why I'll never be a stewardess because I'd be like, what did you see?
Guest:It's fucking going down.
Guest:Everybody buckle up.
Marc:I got to go into the cockpit.
Marc:Let me in.
Marc:I'm the new guy.
Guest:so yeah so but i'm still morning igor did introduce me to morning drinking yeah well that's he introduced me to a lot of things he introduced me on how to how to pop a beer top off a beer with another beer yeah that he introduced me to that um and then playing the same song and getting different ass every night yeah so so these are the things that you took back to school with you and drinking and drinking aggressively like i that's when i came back to college after that
Guest:Igor kind of taught me how to make friends with alcohol.
Guest:All Russians.
Guest:All Russians are so easy to get along with because they're all drunk.
Guest:They're all drinking over there.
Guest:And everyone's doing a shot of vodka.
Guest:At this time, I'm not going to speak for now because it's a different country now.
Guest:But at that time, I remember people getting shots of vodka in the middle of the afternoon.
Guest:They sent a shot over to me and Igor sitting and eating lunch with my whole glass because we're in the cafeteria, but it's like really the diner.
Guest:yeah and and i just drinking and then when i went to backpack through europe i still had this moniker of the machine that's what i still was like you were the machine i i almost had a split personality my wife said the machine's still inside of you and the machine will show up on stage but the machine is never allowed in this fucking house with my with my kids but like but yeah like so i'd go and i remember just bizarre stories the machine needs fuel
Guest:It's fucking crazy that, yeah, that's exactly what my brain, I was so out of, not out of control, but I was so out of control that in Europe, I went to this place in Corfu called the Pink Palace.
Guest:Have you ever been there?
Guest:No.
Guest:Amazing.
Guest:Amazing.
Guest:It's basically a backpacker's paradise where everyone, all anyone does is get half naked the majority of the day, swim out to a rock, jump off a rock, sit around the beach, just get hammered and drink ouzo.
Guest:yeah and and like at night everyone puts on their their bed sheets as togas all the bed sheets are pink yeah and they crack plates over your head and blow fire it's insane it's one of the greatest one of the greatest parties i've ever been to so i went down the first time and i got so out of control i was with a model and i was ended up naked with she had my belt and she was smacking me on the ass yeah and everyone's screaming like crazy like it's the machine
Guest:And then so much so that when I met up with a friend in Amsterdam and I said, we just got to go to the Pink Palace.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we got on a train from Amsterdam and went straight to Greece.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Coptic Ferry got to the Pink Palace and the guy picked me up.
Marc:Where was it?
Marc:In Corfu.
Guest:In Corfu.
Guest:They pick you up in like a big pink bus.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And when I walked on, the guy driving, he goes, holy shit, the machine's back.
Guest:And I was like, yeah.
Guest:It was chaos.
Guest:I met, oddly enough, I met the state there.
Guest:The state was backpacking through Europe also.
Marc:They went all together?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:The whole fucking group.
Marc:Were they taping it?
Guest:Nope.
Guest:They just had time off.
Guest:I never knew that.
Guest:Yep.
Guest:I met Michael.
Guest:David Wayne was the guy I hung out with the most.
Guest:But I think Showalter was there.
Guest:Joe Letrullio.
Guest:The whole state.
Guest:Did they call you the machine?
Guest:No.
Guest:David Wayne still thinks to this day I'm some guy he played volleyball with.
Marc:That's it, huh?
Marc:So this is before you were a comic or anything else?
Guest:I got David Wayne's number, and I said in my head, now I'm planting the seeds of comedy.
Guest:I'm like, one day I'm moving to New York, and I got David Wayne's number, and I know he's a successful comedian.
Guest:I'm going to get advice from him.
Guest:I kept this number for fucking three years.
Marc:You knew in your mind.
Guest:And I'd call David Wayne drunk and remind him who I was that one day I'm moving to New York and I'm going to be a comedian.
Guest:And every time I'd talk to him, and to this day, my buddy was his assistant for a long time.
Guest:Every time I'd run into him, he'd be like, wait, are you the guy I played volleyball with?
Guest:I'm like, what the fuck happened with you and this volleyball guy?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But yeah, so...
Marc:But that's interesting.
Marc:So you actually created somewhat of a international myth for yourself as the machine.
Guest:As this, yeah, as this loud American who, and I was, you know, and then I like to not to buy any stretch that means to downplay this, but I was also funny.
Guest:So like when we were all hanging out.
Marc:People like to be around you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so I would make jokes like we'd be on a bus going somewhere and I'd make jokes to the other backpackers.
Guest:And I had like, you know, you have your like tight travel five when you're meeting new people of ways you can get people to
Guest:like i went to a i went to a hostel one time and they were going to quit serving alcohol and i told them and i had friends coming these canadian girls i'd met and i said listen if you i'll stay if i dance on the bar shirtless will you stay open and they were like as long as you're dancing on the bar i dance for like 45 minutes just song after song of song and by the end i'm keeping the bar open for everyone everyone's like the machine right it was uh yeah it was an alter ego somewhat yeah sort of uh a loud buffoon
Marc:exactly and it wasn't very far off from who i really was really yeah no but you're you seem like a bright guy and you're fun and i'm 38 i'm 38 i have two kids yeah and i've also you know well it's also yeah and i guess i guess what you're saying is true because the amount of uh excitement that you're experiencing just retelling these stories yeah i it is a genuine enthusiasm like i get excited telling stories you get sad you're like i'm mr machine i'm
Guest:Now, the machine will pop his head out every now and then.
Guest:I sound like the fucking guy from the real world, the Miz.
Guest:But yeah, I still party.
Guest:People send shots to the stage all the time.
Guest:I've never had a show where there weren't at least five shots sent to the stage.
Guest:And a lot of clubs, I'll tell them, I'll be like, hey, make sure you water those down a little bit.
Guest:And they'll be like, they just don't.
Guest:The staff wants to party too.
Guest:It was like another thing I learned a little bit from Mattel.
Guest:Isn't it amazing?
Guest:They just want to see you die.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember one comic, Tommy Johnigan was like, so how often do you drink on the road?
Guest:I go every night.
Guest:He goes, you drink every fucking night?
Guest:I go, yeah.
Guest:And he goes, I drink maybe like Saturday night with them.
Guest:I was like, no, I fucking, every night I'm there, I'm just partying with them.
Marc:You do it.
Marc:You're the guy that's ruined morning radio for the rest of us.
Marc:The one that can't quite get up.
Marc:Do you show up?
Marc:No.
Guest:all night i show up drinking with a bottle of tequila and they love it oh it is the it is a i hate to say it like this but it's like a really uh it just breathes so much enthusiasm into what is sometimes a mundane no no they love it if you show up but some guys show up hungover and they don't they don't do the work oh i show i've never i've always been i've never get hangovers i actually enjoy being hungover more than not hungover
Guest:why i think my uh my sugar levels are off yeah and if i have a cup of coffee i start firing odd yeah you know and i think differently right so uh i've always yeah but i'll go into dc to do elliot in the morning yeah and i'll bring i'll go in and they'll have a bar set up like they'll be like we're doing shots and then people in their cars are like is he really drinking oh my because they're going to work yeah and uh yeah i've done that a number of times but you do you sleep yeah and then i go home and sleep oh so you stay up all night though no no
Guest:oh i'll sleep that night and wake up do radio and then drink during radio uh maybe have a cocktail with breakfast and then go to bed right and wake up for the show right but not at home no not at home just when you're traveling just when i'm traveling which is a lot which is every every week 45 weeks a year is my family about to walk in it's an intervention yeah surprise it's time it's a different show
Guest:So, yeah.
Guest:New plan.
Guest:My new program is if I try to stay sober Thursday and Sunday and then I get good workouts in Thursday afternoon, Friday afternoon, and then I'll force myself to work out Friday and Saturday or Saturday, and then Sunday I'll get a good night's sleep for my flight because that's what's killing me is those drinking Sunday nights where you're just like, I'm waking up.
Guest:Yeah, that must be.
Marc:It's just the Sundays.
Yeah.
Marc:I love it.
Marc:I love when it kind of renders down to an excuse.
Marc:If I could just fix these Sundays, everything would be different.
Marc:Clearly the hinge of anything that's wrong is just that Sunday thing.
Marc:I was obsessed with Attell when I first moved to New York.
Marc:So you go back from Russia and how did you get this recognition for being the biggest partier in the country?
Guest:I'd love to say I earned it.
Guest:I think really what happened is they wanted to shorten and make an article about Florida State a little more direct.
Guest:So they just changed it to me.
Marc:So it was your college issue or something?
Guest:They were going to do an article on the number one party school.
Guest:Oh, party school.
Guest:Got it.
Guest:And they interviewed.
Guest:Everyone said, you've got to hang out with Bert.
Guest:He'll show you everyone because I've been there like six and a half years.
Marc:You were an undergrad for six and a half years?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then, yeah.
Guest:You're that guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was definitely that guy.
Marc:You didn't want to leave, did you?
Guest:I had no... What was I going to do?
Guest:Sell boats in Orlando?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All my friends were like... Was that the only option?
Guest:I could sell carpets in East Georgia.
Guest:Those were the two options I had.
Guest:Really?
Guest:That's what you thought of?
Guest:Carpets or boats?
Guest:That's what my friends were doing.
Guest:They'd come back and they'd be driving a van.
Guest:I'd go, where did you get a van?
Guest:Work gave it to me.
Guest:And then you get in, there's carpets all in the back.
Guest:You're like, oh, you're selling fucking carpets?
Guest:You're a carpet salesman?
Guest:But, yeah, so I didn't want to leave.
Guest:And so I didn't know what I wanted to do.
Guest:I really wanted to do comedy.
Guest:I wanted to pursue comedy.
Guest:But you can't – a kid from Florida State, the closest we ever got to comedy is I was dating a chick.
Guest:Adam Sandler came down to do our homecoming.
Guest:He fucked her, and then I stopped dating her.
Guest:That's the closest we ever got to fucking comedy.
Guest:So I wanted to move to New York, and I just didn't have the balls.
Guest:And then in just a real godsmack moment, Rolling Stone writes an article about the school –
Guest:they've asked me to be their chaperone.
Guest:They show them around.
Guest:I do it, and they change the article.
Guest:Jan Werner just decided to change the article one day.
Guest:He goes, let's just make it about this kid.
Guest:And then they do that, and it changes my life.
Guest:It overnight changes my life.
Guest:I went from just a college kid to literally famous on a college campus because this is before reality television was as big as it is.
Guest:So a publication like that was just massive.
Guest:I mean...
Guest:ESPN wanted to do commercials, so they sent a tour bus down to Tallahassee to party with me, and they sent two actors.
Guest:Johnny Knoxville, just happened way before Jackass, is at my house with another actor, and we're just partying in a tour bus, eating pills, smoking weed, getting crazy, getting wild.
Guest:I mean, that's like, and it changed my life.
Guest:And then I said I wanted to do stand-up, this radio station.
Guest:Clearly wanted to see me fail, so they put together a big night of stand-up with four other road comics from Florida.
Guest:Who were they?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't remember any of them.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:They each went up and did 20 minutes.
Guest:A horrible setup now when you know it, and I had to close it and do 30 minutes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:With no act.
Guest:With no act.
Guest:I had never written a joke in my life.
Guest:I didn't know how to write a joke.
Guest:But you took the gig.
Guest:I took it.
Guest:Because you were that guy.
Guest:You were the machine.
Guest:I was like, fuck it.
Guest:I can do this.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember going right before I went on stage.
Guest:I forget.
Guest:I don't know the guy's name.
Guest:But the guy, I had a Miller Lite.
Guest:And it was my first beer.
Guest:And I was going to drink.
Guest:And he goes, hey, man, I don't want to give you any advice.
Guest:But I do this for a living.
Guest:And if you start doing that now, it'll be a bad habit you can never break.
Guest:Drinking before you go on.
Guest:Yep.
Guest:So I put it down.
Guest:I went on stone sober.
Guest:talked for 30 minutes just stream of consciousness like just spoke and just and it just worked it murdered and the morning the TV the radio show that offered that set the gig up they offered me my own morning show and they said what you do is you'll come in for a month and you'll shadow this guy and then he's gonna leave it'll be your morning show and I was like fuck yeah so they introduced me to the guy and I was like so where are you going he goes I'm going to New York I go how come man you got a great gig and he goes who the fuck wants to live in Tallahassee yeah I was like not me now I'm moving to New York too so I moved to New York you didn't take the radio gig at all nope I moved to New York
Marc:Never did any radio.
Guest:Never done any radio.
Guest:And I, I mean, just, yeah.
Marc:So you did that one half hour on a fluke because he had this reputation.
Guest:Sent the tape to Jason Steinberg because I had a connection.
Guest:He said, I'll hook you up.
Guest:I had David Wayne's number.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Fucking landed in New York.
Marc:That's weird because you're like, having David Wayne as his phone number and having a contact with Jason Steinberg, you couldn't be the two more opposite extremes of what comedy is.
Guest:I had covered the spectrum, Mark.
Guest:You sure did.
Guest:I got the East Village and fucking stand up New York lockdown.
Marc:Yeah, man.
Marc:The gutter and the high end.
Yeah.
Guest:So I moved up there.
Guest:I had a place to stay, kind of.
Guest:My friend had his sister, had a boyfriend that she wasn't living with, but he had a place.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:I went.
Marc:You weren't doing sets.
Marc:Nope.
Marc:You've just done that one thing.
Marc:Just one 30 minutes.
Marc:But all this stuff was happening very quickly.
Guest:Yeah, and like Oliver Stone had optioned the rights to my life, like to make a movie.
Guest:The Van Heflin.
Guest:The Van Wilder thing.
Guest:The Van Wilder, yeah.
Guest:Ultimately, I guess, theoretically, I mean, it's based off of my life.
Marc:But things got screwed up.
Guest:It got screwed up because of other stuff, but not under my control.
Guest:Are you bitter about it?
Guest:Not at all.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:When it came out, they were like, do you want to sue them?
Guest:And I was like, no.
Guest:Barry Katz was like, Papa, there's two people that work in this business.
Guest:There's two people in this business, people who sue and people that don't sue.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know who works?
Guest:The people who don't sue.
Guest:Right.
Marc:You know who else works?
Marc:The people that steal.
Marc:Here are some people you can take your act from.
Marc:This guy's not even working anymore.
Marc:You can take his whole act and do colleges with it.
Marc:Go ahead.
Guest:I started... I literally... That wasn't part of that conversation?
Guest:No, no, that wasn't.
Guest:That was a later conversation.
Guest:so yeah I called David Wayne the first day I got there and was like hey man it's Bert he was like what I met you in Greece are you the guy I played volleyball with no well we got this show called Stella down on you are the person he played volleyball yeah I was like fuck it I'll be the guy so I go I go down it's Janine Garofalo I remember Stella was I there I have no recollection all I remember is Janine Garofalo she was famous yeah
Marc:and and i was a fan of hers and i thought that's where my comedy like once again it's like that reinvention of i'm moving to new york i'm gonna be a smart guy i'm gonna be i'm gonna fucking really be smart yeah so i love this about you yeah there's no indication from any other point in your life your biggest contribution was being the machine and the biggest part of your on campus in the country and now i'm reading nietzsche yeah but there's a part of you that's like i'm gonna get a book yeah
Marc:Did you get a book?
Marc:What?
Marc:Did you get a book?
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Did you buy some books?
Guest:You want to be Janine?
Guest:I started working at Barnes & Noble so I could get smart as fuck.
Guest:You did?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was like, this will be a perfect.
Guest:I'll just be reading books.
Guest:Just flipping through them.
Guest:And then all I ended up doing was looking at those medical catalogs to find out if I had genital warts.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:No.
Guest:thank god yeah but uh and then learning how to grow weed yeah and so and and uh well at least you used the books you know what i mean you got i ended up having to read because florida state would not graduate me yeah i ended up having to take classes uh abroad not abroad um correspondence classes yeah so i ended up having to read all the great uh all the great literature literary because i was an english major oddly enough never read a book i read the firm was like my only book i read
Guest:name my dog Abigail done that's it and so I read all the books at that time because I had to for this class when you were in New York yeah I was living in New York and you hadn't finished college yet I graduated and then they gave me my classes and two teachers failed me they were like fuck you you're famous this is six years in six and a half seven
Guest:jesus christ and you still haven't gotten your undergraduate degree yet no so you're working you moved to new york you called david wayne you want to be genie garofo you get a job at a barnes and noble so you can read some books and then i have to read these books because i've got to fill up these did you read them yeah i read them all i read all of them did it help uh did you retain anything no now i just sound fucking arrogant when i'm drunk yeah yeah like oh maybe you haven't read grapes of wrath yeah yeah sure but uh
Guest:i went that's before the machine kicks in yeah yeah i i went i started hanging out at stella and then what was the bar uh luna yeah luna uh collective unconscious all these alt places and then going to reality surf reality yeah like pay three bucks to go up and and there was you were friends with my ex right yeah yeah yeah so yeah and then i started doing those like doing those gigs and and then
Guest:And I never got a laugh.
Guest:I never... I met Dimitri Martin in this time.
Guest:And Dimitri was like... Dimitri was like, man, we got to sign with Barry Katz.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That was like our fucking goal.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I got a job working at the door at... Boston?
Guest:Boston Comedy Club.
Marc:Did I meet you then?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'll never forget the first time I met you.
Guest:I was like, man, big fan of your stand-up.
Guest:And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Who wears fucking hats?
Guest:And I went, what?
Guest:You went, who wears fucking hats?
Guest:And then you went up on stage and did this rant because I was wearing a fucking baseball hat.
Guest:Bad.
Guest:Backwards?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you were like, did this rant about who's wearing hats.
Guest:And at the time, I didn't want to tell you this, but I was wearing overalls with a sweater over them.
Marc:I was like, don't show them the rest of the fucking outfit.
Marc:You were in that fucking hallway there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I remember.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And, uh, but then, but that was the, and then literally like, so that I start doing standup there.
Guest:Six months later, I get a fucking deal.
Guest:Like I get a deal from Will Smith and I start doing TV.
Guest:Wait, you did sign with Katz.
Guest:I did sign with Katz.
Marc:Are you still with Katz?
Guest:No, I left him a few years ago.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Just Dane was blown up and you just couldn't get him on the phone.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So, all right.
Guest:So, okay.
Guest:So Will Smith, how'd that come about?
Guest:It was bizarre, man.
Guest:I know what happened is Louis Schaefer would said to me, if you could bring in 20 people.
Marc:Louis Schaefer.
Marc:My name is Louis Schaefer.
Guest:Yes.
Yes.
Marc:What was this whole bit?
Guest:Not gay.
Guest:Not gay.
Marc:Louis Schaefer, not gay.
Marc:Gay-ish.
Marc:Look at this man.
Marc:Chocolatey brother.
Marc:Now in England.
Marc:Now in England.
Marc:And very bitter and weird.
Marc:And I had problems with him.
Marc:He was a weird fucking guy.
Marc:I'm going to have to create some sort of appendix, a resource guide to WTF for people that we mentioned.
Guest:Barry Katz was- I get all the references and I fucking love it.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Well, let me try to flesh it out right now.
Marc:Barry Katz is best known for being, you know, Dane Cook's manager and Jay Moore's manager.
Marc:I think he was at one time Whitney Cummings manager.
Marc:He was everyone's manager.
Marc:But years ago, before you met him, when I first met Barry Katz, he had a company called the Boston Comedy Company that he ran out of his basement apartment in a building he managed in Alston, which was a student ghetto area of Boston.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And what he would do is he would book out, you know, he ran a lot of one nighters, a lot of colleges.
Marc:He was also Anthony Clark's manager, Bobcats, Louis CK.
Marc:I mean, there was a guy named Ed, the machine regime.
Guest:Shut up.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But, uh,
Marc:But, you know, he was a big regional comic for a long time.
Marc:Ed Regine, Eddie Regine.
Marc:But Barry had everybody.
Marc:There was this period in time, I think it was in the late 80s, mid to late 80s, where he just had everyone down and he would sit you in his office and he'd say, I'm signing people.
Marc:And he signed like 10 or 15 people there.
Marc:And I know Louis was one.
Marc:But he obviously went on to become a very powerful and very big comedy management entity here in Los Angeles.
Marc:And he created with Jay Last Comic Standing, I believe.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he had the kind of touch where he could make magic happen or he could ignore you for 10 years.
Marc:Well, it was just a very odd thing.
Marc:He's so renowned and there's a lot of good things to be said about him.
Marc:I mean, he certainly helped me early on.
Marc:I never signed with him.
Marc:Uh, cause I didn't, uh, I didn't know what that would imply or what it meant.
Marc:But, uh, but he also, there's a lot of negative things about him too.
Marc:Not unlike anybody in this fucking business.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, and, and Lewis Schaefer was this character who was a standup, but he was never that good at it.
Marc:But, you know, he, he would go out into the streets and get people into the room.
Marc:So clubs would use them in the village.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So here you are.
Marc:The Will Smith deal comes out of where?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:it comes out of nowhere what had happened is Lewis said if you bring in 20 people off the street I'll let you go up at the end of the night and what I was doing was just getting college kids and saying you know hey we don't check IDs just get up there and fucking drink and I'd filled it with NYU kids and I was right out of college and I was this number one party animal and I would just go up and I'd fucking tell stories about eating acid and drinking and smoking weed and doing coke and it was just real party shit and these kids would love it and I'd drink beers with them and then we'd all go down to the
Guest:bag it in and just drink beers down there right downstairs right downstairs yeah and this one kid uh knew a guy that worked at the time out in new york and he was like man you got to write an article about this guy he's number one party on the country he's becoming a comedian he's getting big so this guy wrote an article it came out monday barry cats calls me on tuesday he goes i understand you're working the door at my club i'd love to fucking see you do you have any scripts or anything and so i go down and
Guest:Because he saw the article.
Guest:He saw the article.
Guest:I go down.
Guest:I give him a copy of the Rolling Stone article.
Guest:I give him a script I'd written.
Guest:And I go up and I do eight minutes.
Guest:He didn't watch a second of it.
Guest:And I got off.
Guest:And I knew it because it was a small club.
Guest:You could see.
Guest:I think it should be said, too, that Barry Katz started as a comic.
Guest:And he's 6'7".
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And so I'm hung like a vitamin.
Marc:Yeah, I remember doing comedy.
Guest:So he goes, he goes, I think I think you're very talented.
Guest:Keep working here.
Guest:And then left.
Guest:I'm working out at the gym on Friday morning.
Guest:And he goes, how would you like to go up in front of David Tochterman tonight?
Marc:He's back, you know.
Marc:David Taucherman?
Marc:Yeah, he's an agent at Innovative.
Marc:He was great.
Marc:He discovered everyone.
Guest:He discovered Brett Butler.
Guest:No, yeah, he used to work for Carsey Warner.
Marc:He was a development guy at Carsey Warner.
Guest:And he was working with Will.
Guest:And he said, great.
Guest:I said, I'd love to.
Guest:And he goes, he read the article.
Guest:He's really interested.
Guest:So we go, all the fucking comics are like DC, Jim Norton, Bob Kelly, like all the comics that are young and talented.
Guest:Barry pulls me aside and says, pick which spot you want.
Guest:And I was like, I want to go after DC because I remember DC could light a room up, but my act was nothing like his because it was a lot of, you know.
Marc:He's right back storyteller.
Guest:Right.
Guest:At the time, my act was, I don't even know what the fuck it was.
Guest:I didn't even have an act.
Guest:I just go up and fuck with people.
Guest:So I go up after DC.
Guest:I murder.
Guest:This Friday night, David talks to him and approaches me in the bathroom and says, I think you're amazing.
Guest:I want to do a deal.
Guest:And then Saturday, he calls and he's like, hey, you want to go hang out with Will today?
Guest:And I was like, what?
Guest:He was like, Will wants to meet you.
Guest:We're going to do a television deal.
Guest:I was like, fuck.
Guest:so i go to he gives me the address it's it's the beat factory or the hit factory up on the upper west side recording studio recording studio yeah he's recording millennium yeah so barry cats goes up there with me i walk in and it's a huge dance studio that's attached to this it's a huge dance dude like a ballerina studio with uh with mirrors everywhere and there's two folding chairs in the center of the room yeah and the person walking in goes it's just him he just wants to talk to him so barry goes i'll be out in the lobby and
Guest:So he goes in the lobby and I sit down in a fucking folding chair and all of a sudden Will walks in, just Will Smith.
Guest:He's a big guy, like 6'2".
Guest:He's in great shape.
Guest:He's doing movies, getting ready for Ali.
Guest:Sits down in a folding chair right across from me and he's like, so tell me about yourself.
Guest:And I fucking just start spewing like a crackhead.
Guest:You're from Philly.
Guest:My family grew up in Philly.
Guest:They grew up in the main line.
Guest:Did you bring up the machine?
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:Not at all.
Guest:I just started talking, trying to make a connection.
Guest:And we're laughing and we're talking.
Guest:And then all of a sudden he goes, that's awesome, man.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Guest:And I go, nothing.
Guest:And he goes, well, come into the studio.
Guest:Let's meet the guys.
Guest:And then why don't you and me just go see a movie?
Guest:And I go...
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So I like, I walk in, I meet, I see the recording studio and there's no like purple drank or blunts or anything.
Guest:It's like sushi.
Guest:And so I leave and I call my dad.
Guest:I just got in a cell phone.
Guest:I call my dad and I go, he goes, how did it go?
Guest:I go, good.
Guest:He goes, yeah.
Guest:I said, yeah, we're going to the movies tonight.
Guest:He goes, who?
Guest:I said, me and Will Smith.
Guest:He goes, what?
Guest:I said, yeah.
Guest:He goes, where?
Guest:I said, at Planet Hollywood.
Guest:That's where Will said we'd go to the movies.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My dad goes, what the fuck?
Guest:He goes, oh, buddy, I'm sorry.
Guest:I go, what?
Guest:And he goes, he's going to queer you.
Yeah.
Guest:I said, what?
Guest:And he's a Moe dicker.
Guest:He's a Moe dicker.
Guest:He's going to queer you.
Guest:I said, what?
Guest:And he goes, this is how Hollywood works.
Guest:He wants to fuck you.
Guest:I said, dad, he doesn't want to fuck me.
Guest:He goes, what's more likely that he wants to do a television deal with a guy that works the door and go see a movie with you or he just wants to fuck you?
Guest:And I'm like, oh, I'm getting fucked tonight.
Guest:I remember going back to my house going, how do I get out of this?
Guest:Now I don't want to go to the movies.
Guest:I don't want to do any of this.
Marc:There was no part of you thinking, maybe I should fuck Will Smith?
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:So I go, fuck it.
Guest:I guess I'm going to go up and I'm going to fucking play my cards up until we all go all in and I'll see how it works.
Guest:So maybe I can talk my way out of it.
Guest:Show him some of my flaws that he's not interested in.
Guest:Turn him off.
Guest:Turn him off in some way.
Guest:Make a racial joke.
Guest:So he goes.
Guest:Oh, I don't do black ones.
Guest:So I go up to Planet Hollywood up on like 56th, I think it is.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:By Columbus Circle.
Marc:I don't even remember.
Marc:It's not there anymore, is it?
Guest:Probably not.
Marc:Yeah, I don't think they exist anymore.
Marc:Go ahead, yeah.
Guest:So I walk into the front to the lady.
Guest:I said, I go, is Will Smith here?
Guest:She's like, excuse me?
Guest:I go, Will Smith?
Guest:She goes, oh, in the back.
Guest:So I walk to the back, and it's the fucking mannequin of Men in Black.
Guest:It's a mannequin of Will Smith.
Guest:It's not real Will Smith.
Guest:I come back and go, no, I'm looking for the man, Will Smith.
Guest:And I remember her looking at me going...
Guest:You think celebrities come to Planet Hollywood in New York to have dinner?
Guest:And I was like, he told me to meet him here.
Guest:She was like, well, he's not here right now.
Guest:Maybe he's showing up later.
Guest:So I just sit.
Marc:In other words, could you please leave?
Guest:Yeah, you're fucking crazy.
Guest:Like I walked in.
Guest:I must have looked crazy.
Guest:So I'm sitting at the front door.
Guest:And all of a sudden, up these stairs comes a 6'7", 350-pound black guy.
Guest:named charlie mac and he just looks around he goes you burt i was like yeah and he goes downstairs i was like okay now i'm like great i gotta fuck this guy too yeah fucking six seven charlie mac i walked downstairs there's nine other black guys they're all black guys in a room
Guest:it's got a table in it with nothing on it and a curtain and it's nine black guys and Charlie Mac I'm going great now I gotta fuck ten black guys he's nine Charlie Mac Will Smith I'm sure Jazzy Jeff's showing up I'm fucking Jazzy Jeff too and I just stand and no one talks to me no one makes eye contact with me no one engages me I'm just standing back against this curtain I'm sitting back against this curtain thinking this is how it goes down I'm getting fucking ass raped today like that's how all I'm going through my head panicking yeah
Guest:started as a tv deal started as a tv deal now i'm gonna fucking these guys are gonna play leaky submarine with me all night yeah so all of a sudden will comes down with jazzy jeff yeah i'm like okay here we go it's all playing out and then he goes he looks he goes this is the guy and everyone goes oh okay he goes birdie ready i said yeah i guess like let's do this
Guest:And the curtain opens behind me and there's a private theater behind me.
Guest:Like there's a real private theater in Planet Hollywood behind me with huge couches and they all start walking and I see them and I'm like, what the, there's a fucking movie theater?
Guest:And one was like, what did you think was happening?
Guest:And I was like, nothing at all.
Guest:So we sit, we watch American Pie, and then I start realizing, like, all the guys in the room.
Guest:It's Cool Moe Dee, it's Biz Marquis, Big Daddy Kane.
Guest:It's all these fucking, and I'm thinking, I could have fucked Cool Moe Dee.
Guest:I could have fucked Biz Marquis.
Guest:Look at my list of gay interactions.
Guest:It would have been through the roof.
Marc:No, instead he's just going to watch a mediocre movie.
Guest:So we watched American Pie and we got done and I was fucking, I got, I remember we were drinking and we were having a great time and I was like, what did you think of the movie?
Guest:I go, it was awesome.
Guest:He was like, what was the best part?
Guest:I go, the part where he didn't fuck 12 black guys.
Guest:That was the best day of my life.
Guest:And then he moved me out to LA, moved me into the Sheraton Universal for nine months.
Guest:I lived there when Conan was doing, when Conan came out West, it was a long, very, I just only remember Conan was staying at the same hotel.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We made a show that no one ever – Doug Herzog bought it and then left Fox to Comedy Central.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then that died, came back to New York, and then started working the door again because I couldn't get fucking spots.
Guest:like I've only done comedy six months you made a little bread though right I had yeah I had signed a six figure deal came back I remember the only two people everyone hated me like everyone like because you got too big too quick yeah and then they loved seeing me work the door the only two people that were really generous and genuine and took time to speak to me were Greg Giraldo and Bill Burr yeah because they had both had the same thing happen I know yeah and they were like don't keep your head down don't fucking talk about what you got work on spots get on stage
Guest:and then i got another deal like like three months later and moved back i was like fucking i'm leaving out i'm leaving new york and then moved out did a show did a pilot with cbs and then got a tv show and i fucking just stayed out here so you're only in new york that short a time huh i was in new york for like probably like two years total right uh but very i was only in new york for like eight months and the second deal was what with cbs and then i got a show on fx called the x show
Guest:that was like they were trying to retool it.
Guest:I did that for a year and a half.
Guest:And then I just was like, I was like, fuck it, I'll just keep doing TV.
Guest:And I did, and then I was like, ah, screw that, I'm doing the road.
Guest:I remember Patrice O'Neill told me, we had been in Scotland, he was like, if you don't have a foundation of road work, a foundation of comedy where you can always fall back on, he's like, you're just going to be waiting for the next TV show.
Guest:And I remember feeling that way, and I was like, fuck it, man, I need to...
Marc:It's even funny.
Marc:Fucking Patrice will lay down some wisdom sometimes.
Marc:You can't shake it.
Marc:He was sitting eating breakfast across from me in Scotland.
Guest:Voss is smoking in the other room.
Marc:What were you there for?
Guest:Doing the Fringe Festival.
Marc:You were there for a month?
Guest:For a month.
Guest:Horrendous.
Guest:We bombed every night.
Guest:Horrendous.
Guest:You were on the shows with those guys?
Guest:Me.
Guest:I went Louis Schaefer, me, Rich Voss, and Patrice O'Neill.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Was that a Steinberg venture?
Guest:No, it was a Louis Schaefer venture.
Guest:It was right before he moved.
Marc:Oh, God.
Guest:Yeah, and we fucking tanked.
Marc:But he gave you that great advice.
Marc:But you could already sell tickets, right?
Marc:No.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:No, I couldn't sell any tickets.
Marc:No one knew who the fuck I was.
Marc:No, not in Scotland, but in general.
Guest:No, no, no.
Marc:Because none of those shows had clicked yet?
Guest:I started hosting.
Guest:None of them hit.
Guest:I mean, FX was like, people knew the X show, but I couldn't headline.
Guest:I couldn't do an hour.
Guest:I had no time.
Guest:I got a hosting gig in the Ontario Improv for Jay Moore.
Guest:K.P.
Guest:Anderson, me, and Jay Moore.
Guest:After the first show on Thursday, Jay sat me down and he said, so you want to be like a comedian?
Guest:I was like, yeah.
Guest:He goes, that's it.
Guest:You're not a writer.
Guest:You're a comic.
Guest:I went, yeah.
Guest:And he goes, all right, you're my guy.
Guest:Check my schedule.
Guest:You're going to be my host for the next year, my feature for the next year.
Guest:And then K.P.
Guest:came in.
Guest:He goes, K.P., we're going to flip it up and see if Burke can feature.
Guest:And I did.
Guest:And then I toured with Jay for like five years.
Guest:It was like, changed my life.
Guest:Jay Moore literally is the reason I'm working stand-up now.
Guest:But so...
Guest:And then you grind on the road.
Marc:So what was the biggest hit now?
Marc:Because you sell tickets in some places, no?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I would say Birth to Conqueror was a big bump for me because it got people to come to my shows.
Guest:It's not necessarily my personality or my act on stage.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But Birth to Conqueror has been...
Guest:has been probably the biggest bump because they just try to get you famous.
Guest:And that's on the Travel Channel?
Guest:It's on the Travel Channel.
Guest:And they got me on Letterman.
Guest:They got me an offer to do Leno.
Guest:I'm waiting to find that opening to work.
Guest:Rachel Ray, I did it a bunch of times.
Guest:Good Morning America, the Today Show.
Guest:I mean, they really try to push you out there.
Guest:And they don't turn their back on you.
Guest:When the show, when they feel they want to go in a different direction, they go, what show do you want to do?
Guest:What is the direction the show is in now?
Guest:The show is I go around, I do crazy events and thrills around the country, jump off buildings, race down snow mountains on shovels, anything, swim with sharks.
Marc:So regional, unique things.
Guest:Thrills, yeah.
Guest:Regional thrills.
Guest:If you're doing thrills in your hometown, I'll go do it.
Guest:Well, we did the show, and we did two seasons, and the president was like, I think you're a great talent, and I think you're being underutilized, and I'd love for you to do a different show.
Guest:Would you be interested in that?
Guest:I was like, yes.
Guest:Because I was a fucking wreck, Mark.
Guest:I was like, I don't like that shit.
Guest:I don't like flying.
Guest:Can you imagine what I'm like fucking going down a mountain on a shovel at 70 miles an hour?
Marc:But weren't you boozing it up?
Guest:Didn't you draw on the machine?
Guest:No.
Guest:The machine was in his shop.
Guest:The machine is not around when I'm doing Travel Channel because I'm talking to kids.
Guest:Our biggest fans were children.
Guest:Little boys loved the show.
Guest:And so then they gave me another show.
Guest:What are your kids?
Guest:Boys?
Guest:Two girls.
Guest:Five and seven.
Mm-hmm.
Guest:yeah fucking you like them though right i love them i love them i'm so glad i had kids i'm so glad to be the guy i am yeah um but but so and then travel channel is just it's the best employer i could ever hope for they have they have they have kept me financially in the green um by just saying like so we're not we're gonna put you in hiatus but i'm gonna give you three more shows so you can do those so you make no they're not i'm not saying that i'm sure they think i'm talented i'm
Guest:But I'm doing a blooper show for them.
Guest:I'm doing a Titanic Awards show for them.
Guest:I did a game show called Scream, if you know the answer, that's going to start airing soon.
Guest:I don't know where.
Marc:So you're their guy.
Guest:Yeah, and it's so below the radar that you can also do- You hang out with Bourdain?
Guest:No, I never met him.
Guest:I don't think he'd like me, Mark.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It sounds like he could go head to head.
Guest:No, we could drink.
Guest:I definitely think if I met him in a bar drinking, we'd get along right away.
Guest:But I don't know if... I don't know.
Guest:Everyone says he's really nice.
Guest:I don't know why they go, I don't know why you think he wouldn't like you.
Guest:He likes everyone.
Guest:He's a fun guy.
Guest:But like, I don't know.
Guest:I just... I always think people fucking hate me.
Marc:Well, that's ridiculous.
Marc:Don't you think that?
Marc:That people hate me?
Marc:Well, I mean, but I'm not like you.
Marc:I mean, you're a likable guy.
Marc:I mean, I'm an acquired taste at best.
Guest:But we're both of the same vein of whatever thing drove us to get on stage to make people like us.
Guest:I mean, I focus on the one lady that's not laughing.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, but I still at times will fight the fact that they are liking me.
Marc:I mean, even if they are liking me, I'll be like, well, I don't know.
Guest:I don't understand that because I've known you for a while, and you've never been anything aside from the hat comment.
Marc:But that was a reasonable thing to say.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
Marc:At that moment, because I did a whole bit about that that pissed off Adam Sandler, I had a problem with grownups acting like children.
Marc:The hat thing really hit me somehow.
Guest:I have no problem with that, because I was like, fuck it.
Guest:He's using it as a bit.
Guest:I sat in the back, watched you work it.
Guest:Maybe I wrote that bit for you.
Guest:Hey, I would be honored.
Guest:I was sat in the back, and I remember laughing hysterically.
Guest:What were you going to say, though?
Guest:You've never been anything but nice.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So this side that sometimes I hear you talking about it on the podcast, because I listen to every episode, but-
Guest:I'd never saw it.
Guest:I remember we did that Nevermind the Buzzcast.
Guest:Oh, yeah, when I did that.
Guest:And I was sitting in a fucking holding tank with Tiffany, Sebastian Bach, Joey McIntyre, and someone else.
Guest:And I remember you came down to the green room.
Guest:You're like, hey, come on upstairs.
Guest:And you brought me into your green room, and we just hung out.
Guest:And I was like, I met you like twice.
Guest:yeah i just wanted to hang out with a comic because i remember like i didn't really want i didn't i didn't want to be doing that show and i was happy you were on we had a good time that i mean when you were on it was good you really turned on the juice because lover boy was on do you remember that yeah oh they did the thing i never forget this this is maybe the quickest i've ever been on my feet and more proud because you were there and you were hosting it yeah and i looked at you and i got you to laugh you had to guess who the guy who the famous guy was in the lineup yeah so it was the guy's name's mike something
Marc:The lead singer Loverboy.
Guest:Loverboy.
Marc:And their backs are turned to us, right?
Guest:And there's two things.
Guest:We had to do two shows.
Guest:One was another band, but the guy's name was Mike.
Guest:He was the drummer from the other band.
Guest:We had to guess who he was.
Guest:And so they go, everyone's like, look at this guy.
Guest:They're sizing him up.
Guest:And I go, oh, I can figure out who this is real quick.
Guest:And I went, hey, Mike.
Guest:And one guy turned and I go, it's the guy in the middle.
Guest:And then they had Loverboy out and they're all sitting there.
Guest:And I said to them, everyone turn around and do the Loverboy thing from the album.
Guest:And only one guy could do it right.
Guest:Everyone was like doing the hand job behind their back.
Guest:And I looked and I remember you were laughing and I was like, oh, like it's like those moments where you're just filled with pride.
Guest:You're like, I'm fucking making comics.
Guest:Like comics I respect laugh.
Are you fucking...
Guest:tv i know it's vh1 but who gives a shit oh that was fucking i remember watching that because they made that one the pilot yeah i remember watching that at my house yeah and they cut to a shot of you laughing i'm like fucking swelling in front of my friends oh that's like how much did you make i was like 700 bucks yeah yeah boy that was i'm i'm i was in retrospect i'm very happy that didn't catch on i don't know what would have happened to me i did it because i was in the middle of that divorce and i was i was broke were you were you dating your
Marc:Yeah, I was with Mishnah then.
Guest:Were you really?
Marc:Yeah, and I just lost all my money on the first divorce.
Marc:I didn't have much.
Marc:So when I took that gig, I was like bankrupt.
Marc:And I didn't even really understand the game, to be honest.
Marc:I don't have a brain for hosting game shows.
Guest:It's a very different muscle.
Guest:It's tricky, man.
Guest:And I just had a meeting the other day.
Guest:I said, I've gotten this muscle on how to host a show.
Guest:I don't want to get rid of it.
Guest:I know it's not something that everyone's proud to do.
Marc:But people forget that as a comic, there's a small bunch of jobs you can do on TV.
Marc:And hosting of one kind or another is one of them.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And game show hosting is no easy fucking trick.
Guest:Speaking of which, do you remember when we were in LAX and we were talking about, we were both in deals at Comedy Central at the time?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they were doing this show.
Marc:Oh, that's right.
Marc:No, well, it was named this.
Marc:It was only this show by name.
Marc:It's a completely different show.
Marc:We shot the pilot.
Marc:Had I shot it yet then?
Marc:Yeah, you shot it, and they just passed.
Guest:Yeah, we were waiting.
Guest:Oh, they just passed.
Guest:And you were waiting to hear, too.
Guest:I was waiting to hear, too.
Guest:And you were like, it's not going to.
Guest:They're like, fuck it.
Guest:They got so many goddamn projects.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:And you're like, I know two of them are mine or something.
Guest:Yeah, I had two at the time.
Guest:One was the best thing I've ever done on fucking TV ever.
Guest:And the ad sales was like, we can't sell it.
Guest:What about the other one?
Guest:Cash Cab for Alcoholics.
Guest:And then the other one was this live site show.
Guest:The dating show, right.
Guest:Yeah, and it wasn't real.
Guest:It wasn't good.
Marc:But I feel like you found your place, though, man.
Marc:It sounds like you got a lot of support.
Marc:You got a network that has a niche following, and they've got some bread, and they like you.
Guest:yeah i feel like uh you got health coverage you got kids yeah i got kids i got a house you're drawing a few on the road you're still doing stand-up yeah good attitude tour 45 weeks a year got the machine under control i got the machine under control he's well lubed you try you tour 45 weeks a year i tour with a family um yeah i tour i'll tour when i'm not shooting i will i will like i'm booked straight out until march what do you do friday saturday no thursday friday saturday sunday leave on wednesday come back on monday
Guest:really yeah dude that's a grind but how do you fucking be a parent um Skype yeah yeah just we face chat no we you know you just I'm also when I'm home or like when I have a week off like I just my wife made me cancel like next week yeah I was I'm doing something next week it's birthday you're like really do I have to first week of school oh
Guest:But I booked a gig for Friday, like a corporate thing.
Guest:So I'm like, oh, fuck it.
Guest:I'll just stay home.
Guest:And when I'm home, I am a parent.
Guest:I never go anywhere.
Guest:I have nowhere to go.
Guest:I mean, my only thing I did today was I did voiceover in the morning, came out to do this.
Guest:I mean, that's not even work.
Guest:That's fun.
Guest:And my kids are going to a birthday party right around the corner.
Guest:I get done here, go over, have a cocktail with some parents.
Guest:You know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so, but I'm a full on parent.
Guest:Like I'm there 24 hours a day.
Guest:So, and I don't remember seeing my dad much.
Guest:You never probably saw your dad.
Guest:He was a doctor.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, it's not that much different.
Guest:The only problem is, you know, I'd love to be home more.
Marc:You might miss a few things.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:The good things.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You miss, you miss a lot of stuff, but, but you know, Hey, my dad missed the shit too.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I try not to think of it.
Guest:I'm like, that's why I'm reading Keith Richards book right now.
Marc:It's your best.
Marc:Well, fuck.
Marc:Well, go, uh, go have a cocktail with your kid and, uh, and hell it was great talking to you.
Guest:It was, man, it was really fun.
Marc:It was fun, man.
Guest:It's interesting to be, you know, this is what I, you, Rogan, and Jay are what I listen to on planes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, I've been listening to you.
Guest:You were one of the first guys doing this for so long, and it's so interesting to be listening, doing what you spend your time listening to.
Marc:Well, I hope you like the one you're on.
Marc:Thanks, Bert.
Guest:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:Okay, Bert Kreischer, fun guy.
Marc:Good talk.
Marc:I like Bert.
Marc:Hey, Boomer, come here, Boomy.
Marc:Come here, Boomy.
Marc:Let's end the show together.
Marc:He's not going to do it.
Marc:This cat is tweaked out today, man.
Marc:I don't know what the hell happened, but he's haunted.
Marc:He's seen something.
Marc:We had to move some stuff around on the deck.
Marc:That can't be it.
Marc:I mean, he is fucking tweaked out.
Marc:I wish there was a chip in the cat's brain where I could pull it out and see what he saw that freaked him out because I've not seen this cat this freaked out before.
Marc:Anyways, let's end the show in the regular way.
Marc:Go to WTFpod.com.
Marc:Get all your WTF needs met.
Marc:Got the merch.
Marc:There's still a few Coop posters.
Marc:You can kick in a few shekels.
Marc:You can get on that mailing list.
Marc:Oh, I got to do that.
Marc:You've got to get on that mailing list, and I'll mail you an email.
Marc:I will definitely do that every week.
Marc:Get some justcoffee.coop.
Marc:Get the WTF blend.
Marc:I get a little kickback on the back end of that.
Marc:Did that make sense?
Marc:Kickback on the back end?
Marc:Pop!
Marc:Ow!
Marc:Whoa!
Marc:Just shit my pants, for sure.
Marc:What else?
Marc:The apps.
Marc:Get yourself an app.
Marc:Check out that back catalog.
Marc:See if it's worth your while.
Marc:They're very cheap.
Marc:You can get one for iPhone, iPod, iPad.
Marc:You can get the Droid one at the Amazon Marketplace.
Marc:What am I forgetting?
Marc:Come see me on the road and go to ronshock.com and help him out.
Marc:And if you can, come to this benefit on Wednesday night, this Wednesday, the 11th, for Josh Attenmeyer's
Marc:and Angela Bauer.
Marc:So that's Wednesday, January 11th at 10 o'clock p.m.
Marc:at the Improv here in Hollywood.
Marc:And take care of yourself, okay?
Marc:All right, I'll talk to you later.