Episode 241 - Mojo Nixon, Jonah Ray, Maronzio Vance, Steve Mazan, Jim Earl, Eddie Pepitone
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:How?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:What would you give?
Guest:And it's also, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:All right, let's do this live WTF at the Steve Allen Theater in Los Feliz.
Marc:which is a section of Los Angeles or something.
Marc:Yeah, thank you for coming out.
Marc:Everybody all right?
Marc:Oh, we got a fucking amazing show.
Marc:Mojo Nixon is here.
Marc:Fucking Mojo Nixon!
Marc:I can't believe fucking Mojo Nixon.
Marc:You got to say fucking before you say Mojo Nixon.
Marc:Hey, I got one bag of WTF roast from JustCoffee.coop and I'm throwing it into the center of the crowd.
Wow.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's all the giveaways right now.
Marc:I got buttons.
Marc:You want buttons?
Marc:Should I throw buttons out?
Marc:But what if they stick and they hurt somebody and then I'm sued?
Marc:Wouldn't that be horrible if that's how I went down?
Marc:Some guy's like, I can't see out of my eye.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Am I starting the show correctly?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fuckineers?
Marc:What the fucknicks?
Marc:What the fuckstables?
Marc:Welcome, one and all.
Marc:I am Marc Maron.
Marc:I did buy... I was at Target, and I have to say, now this is not really what I need to talk about, but the Target in Glendale is fucking spectacular.
Marc:And...
Marc:Seriously, the one in Eagle Rock can go fuck itself.
Marc:I'm never going to that ghetto target again.
Marc:Go the extra mile and go to fucking Glendale.
Marc:Many layers.
Marc:It's easy to deal with.
Marc:But what they had there was a... It was just sitting there.
Marc:It wasn't even demanding that much attention.
Marc:Dunkin' Donuts by the pound coffee.
Marc:Now, I... Well, that's interesting that you applaud because it's such an East Coast thing.
Marc:So those people must have experienced the pure juice of the Dunkin' Donuts on the East Coast.
Marc:Because I've talked about this before because I've become progressively more obsessively shallow as I get older.
Marc:And...
Marc:The Dunkin' Donuts on the East Coast, when that shit first came out, if I got one, they used to call them the big one.
Marc:So it was basically like a fucking pint of coffee, and you'd order it regular, right?
Marc:Milk, two sugars.
Marc:You'd drink one of those, and you could fucking hit a car.
Marc:And you wouldn't even think twice about it.
Marc:You'd just be like, fuck you, car.
Marc:Dunkin' Donuts coffee, problem?
Marc:Now, I didn't know whether it would have the same impact if I ground it myself, but I'm proud to report, look at my fucking eyes!
Marc:I had to cut that shit before I drank the coffee.
Marc:When I came here, I went one half just coffee.coop, one half Dunkin' Donuts, and I'm fucked up, man.
Marc:I haven't slept in two days.
Marc:I got that Dunkin' Donuts coffee and then you start doing like, it's so good.
Marc:What, do you do this thing?
Marc:It's like 7.30.
Marc:I mean, fuck, 7.30.
Marc:That's fine.
Marc:Fuck, three in the morning.
Marc:I'm like, am I sleeping?
Marc:Am I sleeping?
Marc:I think I'm sleeping.
Marc:Why am I fighting with my dad?
Marc:Let's get to the core of what I need to talk about and that is these fucking genes.
Marc:Now...
Marc:Well, here's the thing.
Marc:I may have brought this up a little bit, but I was in Nashville, Tennessee.
Marc:And I'm a fucking sucker for things.
Marc:I try not to be.
Marc:I protect myself from being a mark because I come from a long line of marks.
Marc:My father's a sucker.
Marc:His father was a sucker.
Marc:It's genetic.
Marc:They can see you coming.
Marc:They'll fucking take advantage of you.
Marc:I'm very aware of that to the point where I don't have any friends.
Marc:So...
Marc:If I meet somebody, I'm like, this guy could be my friend within seconds.
Marc:It's like, I know what you're getting at.
Marc:How much is this going to cost me?
Marc:But so I go to Nashville, and I go to this place, Emma, Jean, and Willie.
Marc:This is a jean place, because my management company, now my management company, they represent this jean place, so I figure I can get cheap jeans, which I could.
Marc:So I go there to get my cheap pants.
Marc:But of course, it's a thing.
Marc:Emma Jean and Willie is a thing.
Marc:It's one of these fucking hipster fucking Jean things.
Marc:But like they got the whole thing going on.
Marc:You go to their only store, which is an old gas station.
Marc:They literally sell seven items.
Marc:All right, just seven items.
Marc:There's like two kinds of jeans, a shirt, a hat, and then a shoe that they'll order for you.
Marc:Now, everybody who works there has a beard.
Marc:It looks very... But they're trying to push the integrity beard.
Marc:Like, I earned this beard.
Marc:This isn't just a fluke beard.
Marc:This is the beard of my father's.
Marc:There's a dog on the premises and in the catalog.
Marc:So how the fuck are you going to argue with that?
Marc:I'm like, I'm in.
Marc:These have got to be the realest pants ever.
Marc:There's a dog there!
Marc:But I could not believe how much I just bought it.
Marc:You get into the jeans there and then they have a woman there that will hem them while you stand there with the perfect jean hem thing.
Marc:And I was just like, holy fuck, this is the best thing ever.
Marc:Then of course comes the thing where they're like, now we recommend you don't wash these, say, ever.
Marc:Now I've been through this before with fucking pants and they were Levi's and I was not gonna do that bullshit.
Marc:Someone told me to sit in a bathtub with a new pair of pants and then get out and walk around and let them dry on my fucking body.
Marc:I'm a 48-year-old man, and I'm walking around in wet pants going, this is how you do it.
Marc:That's like the bathtub.
Marc:I podcasted from the bathtub, but look.
Marc:It's on one of the early ones.
Marc:I don't know which.
Marc:So they tell me this thing, don't wash them.
Marc:And I'm like, all right, I'm fucking on it this time because there's a dog here and these pants have integrity.
Marc:I'm not going to fuck up your pants that I bought for me by washing them.
Marc:I'm not going to do that to your company.
Marc:That's how much I love this shit.
Marc:So I get home, and I'm so committed to these pants, and I'll lock in with pants or boots, and I'll work the fuck out of those things.
Marc:And I'm not going to wash them for life.
Marc:And I'm talking to other people about pants that you don't wash, and of course, it's like, don't they start to smell like balls eventually?
Marc:And then...
Marc:And then the person you're talking to, like, just throw them in the freezer.
Marc:I'm like, oh, fuck, of course.
Marc:So... So I'm not going to wash these pants, folks, right?
Marc:And then I'm like a month and a week into these pants not washing them.
Marc:And I'm having a writing day, which means, of course, I'm scouring pots.
Marc:Um...
Marc:It's amazing how right when I sit down to write my book, it's like, how do you get that shit off of those pots?
Marc:Comet and a scouring... Oh, I gotta go buy a scouring thing, like a copper one.
Marc:So I'm in there, writing my book, scouring a pot with a copper scouring thing, and I put comet at the bottom of the pot, and I liquefied it with a little water so you get that comet juice going, and I'm going at this pot, and out of the pot pops a big old fucking blob of comet juice on the pants I can't wash for a lifetime.
Marc:So I'm in a fucking crisis.
Marc:Now, because I'm like, fuck, fuck, I can't wipe it off.
Marc:It won't come off.
Marc:It's probably bleaching.
Marc:It's going to make a spot on jeans, and you don't want jeans to have spots on them.
Marc:When did that happen?
Marc:And...
Marc:So I don't know what to do, so I fill out the bathtub with water, and I soak them in cold water without using soap, and then I hang them out to dry.
Marc:Now, this would all be interesting and maybe slightly obsessively funny if my girlfriend wasn't there to witness this fucking meltdown.
Marc:This is a woman who works with autistic children.
Marc:who after within a half an hour of me compulsively checking the pants to see if there was a spot where the comet was and also saying, they're fucked, I gotta get new pants, after about an hour that she told me I was perseverating, which apparently is when an autistic person locks in on a behavior.
Marc:And I could not argue with her.
Marc:But when she was out of the house, I immediately called Emma Jean and Willie.
Marc:I said, look, don't tell the dog this, but I fucked up the pants.
Marc:And I told them the whole story.
Marc:And I don't know if they thought I was crazy.
Marc:Because I was literally almost guiltily explaining myself.
Marc:Look, I was going to not wash them.
Marc:And then I got Comet.
Marc:Like, you know when you mix Comet with water, it went on the pants, and I couldn't just wipe it off?
Marc:And I got them wet.
Marc:I put them in the water.
Marc:And then the woman's like, it's okay.
Marc:It's okay.
Marc:Some people actually rinse them once before they start the process.
Marc:I'm like, but I want to do the real way.
Marc:Can you send me some more pants, please?
Marc:And that's these, so I'm starting over again.
Marc:And there's a lot of stuff going on in the world I'm not going to talk about.
Marc:So...
Marc:Let's do a couple of emails, because we like these.
Marc:You know what you need, subject line.
Marc:You need an intern, not a fancy, cherub-faced, NYU Tisch School intern.
Marc:You need a 28-year-old, balding, slightly overweight, non-threatening Latino intern.
Marc:I'm not sure what I would do, though.
Marc:I can use Microsoft Word.
Marc:I type this message there first.
Marc:And play the occasional instrument.
Marc:I imagine I could learn how to make coffee.
Marc:You wouldn't have to pay me or look at me.
Marc:You're fucking intrigued right now, Chris.
Marc:Chris, I've got it covered.
Marc:I appreciate it.
Marc:That was a very promising resume.
Marc:This is sort of a touching email in a way that I don't really know what to do with it.
Marc:Your slightly disturbing sixth grade fan club.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:Last week, my sweet, cheerful, and entirely non-tortured 11-year-old daughter rushes out of her room to say, Mom, have you heard of this guy named Mark Maron?
Marc:He's the best.
Marc:He's so smart, and he's so funny, and he's funny because he's smart.
Marc:He's not doing stupid voices or making fun of people.
Marc:He's just talking about stuff.
Marc:I love him.
Marc:As much as I love your work, this is not really what I expected or necessarily wanted to hear from an 11-year-old since I can't recommend your awesome current material for the incredibly super underage crowd.
Marc:Luckily, it turns out that she's found you in a perfectly okay way.
Marc:She's been watching my Dr. Katz Professional Therapist DVDs
Marc:And you were by far her favorite guest on the show.
Marc:She can quote your bits by heart.
Marc:Unfortunately, she's asked me if she can listen to any of your new material, which I can't really allow, except for your appearances on late night TV.
Marc:But when she figures out how to download podcasts without my permission, that's pretty much going to be the end of it.
Marc:Anyway, I thought you might find it amusing that you have a super dedicated sixth grade fan who can't wait to be old enough to be allowed to listen to you.
Marc:Best regards, Alyssa.
Marc:P.S.
Marc:So I asked her who else she liked on Dr. Katz, and she said, oh, my next favorite is Louis C.K.
Marc:This kid is in trouble.
Marc:He's also really smart.
Marc:Doesn't he have a TV show that you record?
Marc:Can I watch it?
Marc:which was another hell no moment.
Marc:But I'm proud that she's got such great taste in comedy at such an early age.
Marc:After you and Louis C.K., her favorites from the show are Dom Irera, she thinks his shtick where he inappropriately expresses his love for Dr. Katz is hilarious, and Gilbert Gottfried, because she finds his voice restful.
Marc:I honestly don't know what to think about those last two choices.
Marc:Look out for that kid.
Marc:You know, some of these people that send me their dreams, I don't know.
Marc:Some of them are getting a little... Like, I read this one, I thought this must have been made up, but then I thought, like, why would he make up this ending?
Marc:Shit mark, dot, dot, dot.
Marc:I'm not sure why this happened, but I had the worst nightmare of my life involving you.
Marc:It started with me in an Applebee's drinking a beer with my buddy.
Marc:And as we went our separate ways, I went into the parking lot and saw a ghostly figure standing in the distance.
Marc:I was so disturbed by this apparition that I began to run frantically to my vehicle, hoping that I could reach my door before this red-eyed ghoul devoured my soul.
Marc:As I reached my point of supposed safety, this monster intercepted me, and it was your face on the top of a large wolf's body.
Marc:You, or my version of you, began to maul me in such an intrusive way that I never felt that violated since my voice cracked in the middle of my fifth grade graduation during a solo of Somewhere Out There from the soundtrack of An American Tale.
Marc:Hang on to your seats, folks.
Marc:As your wolf dick penetrated my manhole, I pleaded helplessly for my ass virginity.
Marc:I laid on my face as you finished your indulgent deed on my back, and as this distorted you turned to leave, I screamed, Happy Hanukkah!
Marc:Happy Hanukkah!
Marc:I'm not sure what else to say, but fuck you.
Marc:Love the show.
Marc:That's from Pete.
Marc:See, like, that end would indicate that it was probably real.
Marc:I mean, why would he make that up?
Marc:Let me bring my first comic up.
Marc:This guy recently made his own documentary that's very compelling and sadly funny.
Marc:Please welcome Steve Maison to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:Comedian Steve Maison.
Marc:Sit down here, buddy.
Marc:Sit right next to me.
Guest:Like in a rich movie, like we're going to have dinner.
Marc:No, you sit right next to me, Steve.
Marc:Bay Area comedian, correct?
Guest:Correct.
Marc:Started in?
Guest:San Francisco.
Marc:I was there, and you claimed to have worked with me, and I said, no, you did not.
Guest:You remember it well, obviously.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And what happened that night?
Marc:Did I do something stupid?
Guest:Well, you exposed your wolf dick to me, and...
Guest:Again.
Guest:God damn it.
Guest:You remember coming on a guy's back, but apparently not.
Marc:I'm only supposed to do that in dreams.
Marc:I hadn't controlled it yet.
Guest:You do it enough.
Guest:It's not memorable anymore.
Guest:Yeah, I know, I know.
Marc:I really thought that was just happening.
Guest:Actually, this was, I think it was 2002, and it was San Francisco.
Guest:Yep.
Guest:What club?
Guest:Punchline.
Guest:Okay, I got the scene.
Guest:You got into it one night.
Guest:It was one of my favorite comedy moments at that point, and it still is.
Guest:You got in it with some kind of a bush lover, which is hard to find in San Francisco, but you got into it with them, and it went on for about 15 minutes, and you just laid into them so much.
Guest:I mean, everyone was like, you know, the comic's milling in the back.
Guest:I'd seen a couple of your sets already, so I knew what you were doing.
Guest:And then, of course, everyone's just like, what the?
Guest:Oh, yeah, and pulled up a chair and was like...
Guest:You know, sat down and got ready to watch.
Guest:And yeah, it went on for a long time.
Guest:Was there crying?
Marc:Did I fucking push him over the edge?
Guest:You cried a little.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No, it was amazing.
Guest:It was great.
Guest:It was fantastic.
Guest:It was almost too good because then, you know, you see that as a young comic.
Guest:And I'm like, that was amazing.
Guest:And some of my comic friends were out.
Guest:Everyone wanted to see you, you know.
Guest:But then everyone thinks they can do that.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:I was like, fuck, yeah.
Guest:Mark knows what he's doing.
Marc:And then, you know, you realize you're Mark Maron.
Marc:Well, I mean, that's not the greatest thing all the time.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:But, you know, it's like someone seeing Evil Knievel and being like, well, I have a motorcycle.
Guest:I can do that.
Guest:You know?
Guest:I'm going to give that a try.
Guest:So I remember just, yeah, getting into it with audience members.
Guest:They're like, I was just listening.
Guest:Why are you angry at me?
Guest:No.
Marc:That's always the worst where you go too far and you realize, holy fuck, this guy's got nowhere to go.
Guest:Yeah, that's what it was.
Marc:Yeah, and then you feel bad and then you feel like, come on, buddy.
Marc:It's such an abusive thing when you just fucking eviscerate somebody and you win and then you're sort of like, are we good, man?
Marc:Are we good?
Guest:Yeah, you feel bad right on the way out.
Marc:I was just joking around.
Marc:No tears.
Marc:No tears.
Marc:Yeah, you can call your dad if you need to.
Marc:But...
Marc:But the weird thing about doing that, though, if you do that, the possibility of following it with jokes is fucked.
Marc:You're done.
Marc:Yeah, because if you do that 10 minutes in and you just fucking tear a crowd open like that and you just take a human sacrifice on the altar of comedy, then you're like, okay, back to this thing about driving.
Marc:You know?
Guest:You can't fucking come back from that.
Guest:Well, that's what I didn't understand.
Guest:That's what I thought.
Guest:Oh, you know, you didn't, you weren't.
Guest:No, you better make it a long crowd work.
Guest:It was a teachable moment.
Guest:A teachable moment.
Guest:And I really thought, oh, okay, yeah, I see what he's doing.
Guest:That can be done.
Marc:Some dudes don't do crowd work at all.
Marc:There are some guys I know, like some great comics, that like as soon as somebody pipes in, they're like, no.
Marc:No.
Marc:They literally will not engage at all.
Marc:I kind of respect that, but how can you not just like, no, fuck you.
Guest:Well, yeah, it's tough, especially when, you know, I always try and ride that line like, is it just me that's tearing it, me and that person?
Marc:It always is just you.
Marc:And then there's that weird trick, like if somebody says something, you're supposed to repeat it so the people in back can hear, but then you end up repeating things like, the gentleman up front just said I suck.
Marc:Now we're going to address that.
LAUGHTER
Marc:It's kind of tricky, because a lot of times people in the back are like, what the fuck is going on?
Marc:You're yelling at somebody that is apparently defenseless and mute to somebody in the back.
Guest:I have a story about that.
Guest:It wasn't mute, but this guy kept texting over in this area, and it was like this, where you can't really see, but I could see him texting.
Guest:I made fun of him a couple times, hoping that... And that was going well.
Guest:And then all of a sudden, the guy next to him started texting.
Guest:So I really laid into that guy.
Guest:And now it wasn't even trying to be funny anymore.
Marc:Oh, you were like, put it down.
Guest:Yeah, I was just angry.
Guest:Just fucking stop.
Guest:It was just angry.
Guest:And then all of a sudden, at some point, the crowd, like, they were booing me.
Guest:And I was like, what the fuck?
Guest:I lost him, you know?
Guest:And I had to bring, there was another comic after me, so I brought him up, and it was my buddy Lee Levine.
Guest:And as we crossed paths, he shook my hand, and he goes, you know that guy's in a wheelchair.
Guest:And I was like, oh, fuck.
Guest:And here's the crazy thing.
Guest:This is how sad it is.
Guest:In the moment, I was like, I don't give a shit.
Guest:Fuck him.
Guest:He was texting.
Guest:He was texting.
Guest:It's bullshit.
Guest:I can wheel him out of here.
Guest:Get him out.
Guest:And you went over there and said, you're fucking going.
Guest:You're out of here.
Guest:I push him.
Guest:Yeah, boo me now.
Guest:Fuck him.
Guest:We had the ramp where we had it.
Guest:It took five minutes.
Guest:Just dump him out in front of the club.
Guest:And throw his phone on him.
Guest:There, my show.
Guest:And then I made the mistake.
Guest:I thought that was a funny story.
Guest:Once it blown up, you know, and I put it on Facebook.
Guest:Oh, hey, got in it with someone tonight.
Guest:He was, you know, and didn't know he was handicapped.
Guest:Ha ha ha.
Guest:And that was, I thought it was funny.
Guest:But then everyone, it was on Facebook, everyone wrote me like, here's what you should have done.
Guest:Here's how you should have handled it.
Guest:And then I was mad at everyone.
Guest:It was my friend.
Guest:I was like, fuck you, you weren't there.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You want to kick the guy out too, you know?
Marc:They wouldn't.
Marc:Yeah, you just couldn't defend it.
Guest:Yeah, there's no way you could defend it.
Guest:But you fought the good fight.
Guest:I tried.
Marc:Yeah, and then you started, you make bumper stickers, even people in wheelchairs are dicks.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:There was, those are the people I love, the people that, yeah, fed my ego and were like, you were right, fuck that guy.
Marc:Yeah, just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he's entitled to anything.
Guest:Good one, Steve.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:You know, people are like, he didn't have far to walk.
Guest:If you kicked him out, he was probably parked up front.
Marc:But that's the weird thing, though, when you do crowd work, is you can feel that moment where, like, everyone's on your side, and then you just cry.
Marc:Only in comedy can you create something that's the equivalent of, like, a verbal lynch mob.
Guest:That's exactly right.
Marc:That, like, within a second will decide to lynch you.
Guest:That's the tricky part.
Marc:It's unbelievable.
Marc:Like, you know, it's just like you could just feel it.
Guest:Like, they're like, yeah, fuck that guy.
Guest:And then you say one thing and they're like, no.
No.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:He's one of us.
Guest:You went too far.
Guest:Try to entertain us now.
Guest:Yeah, you're the guy with the torch up front.
Guest:You think you're leading them, and then you realize they're chasing you.
Guest:They're not with me.
Marc:So let's talk about this thing you did.
Marc:I don't know how to set it up.
Marc:Let me try it delicately.
Marc:You have cancer.
Marc:What?
What?
Guest:You have a guy on your podcast to give him that diagnosis?
Guest:I do.
Guest:I was diagnosed five years ago, six years ago now, with cancer in two places, my intestine and my liver, a bunch of surgery to get rid of the stuff in my intestines, still dealing with the liver stuff.
Guest:But I was given five years at that point.
Guest:That was the worst case scenario.
Guest:How long ago was that?
Guest:And that was six years ago.
Guest:So living a good time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, yeah, you know, listen, you go through all the things you hear about, you know, depression, disbelief, anger, all that kind of stuff.
Guest:Five stages.
Guest:Five stages.
Guest:I took the anger out on people in wheelchairs and stuff like that.
Guest:Did you use that one?
Guest:I don't give a fuck.
Guest:I have cancer.
Guest:Trump card.
Guest:Looks like you're all saying, you got wheels, I got cancer.
Marc:Did you do that?
Marc:I did do that.
Marc:Did you have cancer then?
Guest:I did it.
Guest:You should have used it.
Guest:Always play the cancer card.
Guest:I think the audience would have been like, now he's bullshit.
Guest:Prove it!
Guest:Let's see it.
Guest:Get the MRI machine.
Guest:Let's see it.
Guest:That would have been fucking hilarious.
Guest:I'll get my doctor on the phone right now.
Guest:I'm texting my doctor.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:That's who the guy was texting.
Guest:Does this guy have cancer?
Marc:And then the wheelchair guy's, he's got it.
Marc:He's got cancer.
Marc:He's good.
Marc:He's good.
Marc:He's like, my bad.
Marc:My bad.
Marc:You win.
Marc:So you made this documentary called Dying to Get on Letterman.
Marc:Dying to do Letterman.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I watched it.
Guest:You did see it?
Guest:I watched the whole thing.
Guest:And?
Guest:I like it.
Guest:Did you like it?
Marc:The one thing that I thought was interesting, though, and you caught yourself, which I thought was pretty insane.
Marc:Like, you were like, you want to do Letterman your whole life.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then you get diagnosed with cancer.
Marc:So you're like, I'm going to play the cancer card.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you're like, yeah, I'm going to.
Marc:No, you basically said that.
Guest:I see what you're saying.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then you thought better of it.
Marc:And I thought that was pretty amazing.
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Listen, I always.
Guest:Here's how comedy works.
Marc:Please tell me.
Marc:Please tell me.
Guest:Listen.
Marc:I've been trying to figure that out for 25 years.
Marc:I'm in my garage, buddy.
Marc:Put your feet up.
Marc:Let me explain.
Marc:Do I have to get cancer?
Guest:I'm in.
Guest:No, you don't.
Guest:You just say you have it.
Guest:People have done that.
Guest:No, here's the thing.
Guest:You know, comedy, you just, you start and you start making a name for yourself.
Guest:You build up a reputation and that gets you into other clubs that people refer you, that you start building that up.
Guest:So I knew probably a year or two on.
Guest:I always wanted to do Letterman.
Guest:A year or two in, I was like, I think I'm the type of comic they would have on.
Guest:I'm such a big fan.
Guest:I watch everyone when they're on.
Guest:I've studied the show and had other people say, listen, those jokes you got, those would be great on Letterman, that kind of thing.
Guest:So for me, it was something I always knew was going to happen.
Guest:And now all of a sudden I had this diagnosis and I was waiting for it to happen.
Guest:And now I was like, okay, you've been saying someday you're going to be on Letterman.
Guest:What if you're not here when someday happens?
Guest:So you need to start making it happen.
Guest:So the first thing was I started this project called Dine to Do Letterman.
Guest:So yes, to get the word out, I spread the story
Guest:that, look, here's my situation.
Guest:This was before Facebook or Twitter or YouTube.
Marc:You tried to get a grassroots movement to draw attention to your cancer in order for you to get Letterman.
Guest:To be seen.
Guest:I didn't want to get on Letterman.
Guest:If they just said, hey, we heard about this project, sure, come on.
Guest:That's not what I want.
Guest:I want them to watch my comedy or get an audition and then be on.
Guest:If they said you're not good enough to be on Letterman, I didn't want to be on it.
Marc:Yeah, definitely.
Marc:But I just thought it was interesting.
Marc:There was that moment, I believe I'm remembering correctly, in the film where you're like, there might be another way to do this.
Marc:Oh, definitely, yeah.
Marc:It's an awkward position.
Marc:As you know, Eddie Brill, who books it, gets his email from you.
Marc:I didn't even make it to him.
Marc:I made it to a producer, right?
Guest:To one of the producers.
Marc:What was that email?
Guest:uh so they well first they emailed back they they heard about it i started this website dying to do letterman.com and people could watch my comedy and send them a email if they thought i was funny enough and i said out there don't if you don't think i'm funny enough don't but don't tell them if you don't think i'm funny enough i don't want you to send right send that as well um but within a few months they had enough people that had contacted them and they they said hey can we get your address they sent me an email asking for my address and then one day in the mail i got a letterhead you know it was the
Guest:the late show, everything from the executive producer, and it basically said, listen, you know, we're sad this is your case and everything like that, but it would be impossible to put you on.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:So, you know, and basically, listen, and that's the point you're talking about.
Marc:Right, where you're like, I've got to do this a legitimate way.
Guest:Well, that's what I said.
Guest:That's what I said.
Guest:Listen, they're taking it as that.
Guest:They're not even... Right, put the cancer card back in the deck.
Guest:Right, but now they've heard about it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:They've heard about me, and that's... Yeah, so that was the point where I'm like, okay, listen, they've heard about me.
Guest:But did you really not know, though, at that point?
Marc:I mean, you've been doing comedy for a while.
Marc:Did you really not know the way that Letterman was booked?
Guest:I knew that there was the process, but I knew people in San Francisco, great comics.
Guest:They'd come and do auditions sometimes.
Guest:Eddie Brewer would come up.
Guest:I knew comics who had been waiting in that line for years, and I knew...
Guest:Look, I might not have those years to wait.
Guest:So I didn't I wasn't even in a line yet.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So this whole idea was to get in that line.
Guest:And look, if right away they loved my comedy and said, hey, we think it's great.
Guest:Let's do it.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I would have I would have taken that.
Guest:But, you know, again, it was about it was about the comedy.
Guest:I didn't want them just to be like, oh, this guy's got.
Marc:But you knew that you were going to be viewed that way initially.
Guest:Sure, of course.
Guest:My friend Lee and Gary, who you see in the movie, we had, it's not in the movie, but we had a big discussion about that.
Guest:The minute I put up that website, look, comics are cynical people.
Guest:I knew everyone would be saying, oh, this guy just wants to be on because he has cancer.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:That kind of thing.
Marc:Comics are horrible.
Guest:Hey, I've been online for three years.
Marc:To the back, buddy.
Marc:You and your cancer.
Marc:And you don't talk about cancer on stage.
Guest:No, I do if I'm playing to a cancer room.
Guest:Because look, if I just walked out here, no one here in the audience knew I had cancer, right?
Guest:I'm sorry, was I supposed to keep that a secret?
Guest:No, I don't think it would have worked well if we plugged this movie and be like, oh shit, he's got cancer.
Guest:Changes the whole thing.
Guest:So do you do cancer gigs?
Guest:I do like, yeah, like for, you know, wellness centers and stuff like that.
Guest:You know, they've just heard the story and that kind of thing.
Guest:Or like, would you come and perform for us?
Guest:That's great.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's fun.
Guest:They've got very dark senses of humor.
Guest:So I love that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, they've went through that.
Guest:But.
Guest:Yeah, they're open to that.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:So that's a different... They know my story when I step on a stage.
Guest:Most people... I was at the punchline a couple weeks ago in San Francisco.
Guest:When I walk out on stage there, people don't know.
Guest:So I'm not going to start my set by saying it because then every laugh I get...
Guest:is like, okay, was that just because they feel bad for me or they feel sorry for me or that kind of thing.
Guest:So I don't say anything.
Guest:If I ever bring it up and now that we have a documentary, I'll plug the documentary.
Guest:I'll do it in like the last two or three minutes of my set.
Marc:Right.
Guest:But I want to prove that I'm funny.
Guest:Oh, good.
Marc:First.
Marc:And then if the funny's not working, do you pull it out?
Guest:No, I've never pulled it out.
Guest:Great.
Guest:I have five years.
Guest:Yeah, thank you.
Guest:Thanks a lot.
Guest:I guess I'll just go back into the... You've been an okay crowd.
Guest:I don't know how many crowds I have left.
Marc:Well, look, I don't want to give away the ending, and where can people get the movie?
Guest:The movie, we're showing at film festivals right now, so we'll be here in L.A.
Guest:soon.
Guest:Many other festivals, St.
Guest:Louis.
Guest:You know, you can sell the movie on TV.
Guest:Yeah, we can sell it.
Guest:We're getting distribution, so it's not available yet that you can buy it, but people can go to dyingdoeletterman.com and sign up.
Guest:I have a mailing list for people here tonight if they want to sign up.
Guest:Can I do that?
Guest:Old school mailing list?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, write your name down?
Guest:Exactly, those things.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:I brought a pen.
Guest:We can all share it.
Guest:The book is out.
Guest:You can get it on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble and all that kind of thing.
Guest:Oh, yeah, Dying to Do Letterman.
Guest:And this one's for you.
Marc:Steve Maison, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You can just move down one.
Marc:Someone brought me, Hillary brought me this book.
Marc:And she said it was an innocent gift, but the book is called Optimism.
Marc:Cultivating the magic quality that can extend your lifespan, boost your energy, and make you happy now.
Marc:This is a career killer.
Marc:My next guest is a very funny comic.
Marc:He did the last comic standing thing, which maybe we'll talk to him about, but he transcends it.
Marc:Please welcome Maranzio Vance to the stage.
Marc:Tell us about your cancer.
Marc:Oh, man.
Guest:You all right?
Guest:Yeah, I just found out when you said it.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break the news.
Marc:Fucking can't believe this shit.
Marc:I didn't know how to do it.
Marc:We discussed it as a crowd.
Guest:I came here to talk about optimism and you throw cancer down my throat.
Guest:So where the hell are you from?
Guest:I'm originally from Charlotte, North Carolina.
Guest:I moved out here in 2001, right after 9-11 when gas prices went up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So that was a shitty travel arrangement.
Guest:Not cheaper than flying, that's for sure.
Guest:Gas went from 176 to like 349.
Guest:I've never seen it before.
Guest:I like, what the fuck is happening?
Guest:This is God saying, go back home.
Marc:I was just in Nashville.
Marc:I go down to... I'm sorry to hear that.
Guest:Go ahead.
Marc:Well, no.
Marc:I mean, I'm trying to be open-minded about the South.
Marc:There's good people down there, kind of.
Guest:They're trying to escape.
Guest:Those are the ones that's trying to get the fuck out.
Marc:I think some of them are actually fortifying their homes and saying, we're staying, we can turn this ship around.
Guest:Yeah, that's a losing battle.
Guest:That sounds like cancer.
Guest:But you beat it, so that's okay.
Marc:Maybe there's hope for the actual defeat of the...
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I only heard part of the story.
Guest:You just got to remember optimism.
Guest:Read that while we talk.
Guest:It's upside fucking down.
Guest:You don't deserve it now.
Marc:Take it back.
Marc:There's a piece by Steve Jobs in here.
Guest:Oh, fantastic.
Guest:Anyways, he...
Marc:What, too far?
Marc:Too far?
Marc:He's looking up right now.
Guest:He's looking up right now.
Guest:That's an optimist, right?
Guest:I think.
Marc:Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Guest:I'm happy to be here.
Guest:I want to say that.
Guest:Well, I'm happy you're here.
Guest:I'm a fan of the podcast.
Guest:I listen to it when, you know...
Guest:I don't know when the fuck I listen to it.
Guest:I just listen to it.
Guest:I don't have a real sentimental point in life.
Guest:No, I appreciate you.
Guest:I appreciate you.
Marc:I appreciate you listening to it.
Marc:So what was the, like, you come out here to L.A.
Marc:How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
Marc:35.
Marc:You're 35.
Marc:So you come out here, what, 10 years ago?
Guest:10 years ago.
Guest:With a dream.
Marc:Of course, with a dream.
Marc:How's that going?
Guest:Cancer.
Guest:I used to be a happy person.
Guest:When I first moved to L.A., I was really happy.
Guest:I'd seen the movies.
Guest:I was like, oh, man, it's going to be great.
Guest:I'm going to L.A.
Guest:I'm going to get on and buy my mom a house.
Guest:And the car I always wanted.
Guest:None of that.
Guest:Hey, there's still time, dude.
Guest:I just got direct TV last week.
Marc:That's something, man.
Guest:Yeah, it is.
Guest:It is.
Guest:$41 in the NFL package for a year for free.
Marc:How was that reception during the rain?
Marc:Shitty.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:No, but what the hell was that adjustment like?
Marc:Did you start doing comedy in North Carolina?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:When I first moved to LA, I think I had five minutes of material because everything I was talking about was... I was not a... No disrespect to Southern comics, but I'm not an animated black comic.
Guest:I'm not a Def Jam comic.
Guest:Def Jam would never book me because I'm very laid back.
Guest:But the irony is they booked Chappelle back in the day.
Guest:But Chappelle was not... He was still ahead of the class in certain aspects of his stand-up.
Guest:But they would never book me because I'm not a high-energy.
Marc:I don't... Well, Chappelle does that thing where he's low-energy until he goes, damn!
Guest:Yeah, he does.
Guest:He's kind of a character.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:Well, yeah, he pops up at the end.
Guest:Yeah, but I'm not animated.
Marc:I don't have any, you know... Was that an intentional thing where you were like, I'm not doing that?
Guest:I don't have nigger jokes.
Guest:No, in a positive way.
Guest:Like, I don't have, like, you know, you ever been so poor, you fucking this, and you ever been so high, you that.
Guest:I don't have any shit like that.
Guest:I'm not going to fuck a stool on stage, and I don't have music bits in my act, and, you know, I just, and I'm not a real... You don't have any of these?
Guest:Uh-uh.
Guest:Uh-uh.
Guest:Bitch.
Guest:I don't have any of that.
Guest:I studied comedy before I really got into it.
Guest:And I remember my two first memorable comedy specials I watched.
Guest:Bill Cosby himself.
Marc:What a fucking great show.
Marc:It's timeless.
Marc:Dude, I'm telling you, man, I just watched it for real within the last two years.
Marc:Studied it.
Marc:Well, it was sort of there, but for some reason, he wasn't one of my guys coming up.
Marc:And I sat down within the last two years and watched that show, and I'm like, that's the fucking grail.
Marc:That's the Bible of comedy.
Marc:He sits down.
Marc:He doesn't even look comfortable.
Marc:He's in Vegas.
Marc:He's sitting in a chair like this.
Marc:with a mic like this, as if it's sort of like, I guess I'm doing this.
Guest:And... It was beautiful, and it was a powerful thing, because as a comic, we're supposed to go to the audience, like, hey, like, New York comics, like, motherfucker, I'm in your face, and shit like that.
Guest:But he just sat in the chair, and he was like...
Guest:They'll come to me.
Marc:Yeah, the amazing thing is he decided what was fucking funny, and I'd never seen it before.
Marc:It's like, he's just telling stories, but there's this moment where I'm like, he's doing exactly what he wants to do.
Guest:That one, I watched that, and then I watched Stephen Wright.
Guest:He had an HBO special.
Guest:He did.
Guest:It was like 85, 86, but I just remember at the time, I was like maybe 10 or 11, but I don't know why the jokes made sense to me, but they fucking made sense to me, and I'm like, this is the... But Stephen Wright has the driest...
Guest:I had to drink water when I watched this shit, because I'm like, listen.
Guest:I just... It's so thought provoking.
Marc:Yeah, between me and you and whoever's in this room, he just came to the garage a week and a half ago.
Marc:Really?
Marc:And I'm not sure we weren't going to put it up, but we're kind of backed up, but sweetest fucking guy.
Marc:And he's childlike, and just a simple dude, and he fucking laughs.
Marc:How many comics do you know that laugh?
Guest:I haven't laughed in years, man.
Guest:Hollywood has stole my laughter.
Marc:That should be the name of your next CD.
Guest:Hollywood stole my laughter.
Guest:That's my comedy special coming out of a rooftop comedy.
Guest:Thank you for the memories, L.A.
Guest:No, I watched that, and then I sat and I studied it, and I was laughing at things that I didn't think I should be laughing at.
Guest:And then I got into, I guess...
Guest:Like 89, 90, I started watching more urban comics.
Guest:And then I got into Def Comedy Jam.
Guest:And I don't know why.
Guest:But I got into Def Comedy Jam.
Guest:But it was all we had.
Guest:You're funny, man.
Guest:It was something.
Guest:Don't do this, Mark.
Guest:It was something.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I didn't mean to generalize.
Guest:Not at all.
Guest:You don't like Earthquake?
Guest:I do like... I'm a fan of Earthquake.
Guest:That's funny.
Guest:I like Earthquake.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I do like Earthquake.
Guest:I'm a Martin fan.
Guest:I'm a huge... Chris Rock is probably top dollar in my book.
Guest:Seinfeld, I watch... Seinfeld's an amazing black comic.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You should see him work a black room.
Guest:Shit.
Shit.
Guest:So Def Jam-ish this Seinfeld character is.
Guest:I just study people.
Guest:I just study and study and study.
Guest:I watch Chris Rock's big-ass jokes, and I'm a huge fan of Bob Newhart.
Guest:I just gravitated to Bob Newhart, his TV show, his stand-up.
Guest:Yeah, he's great.
Guest:Woody Allen.
Guest:I fucking love Woody Allen.
Guest:I could watch Woody Allen all day.
Marc:All right, so we get it.
Marc:You're definitely against Def Jam for the most part.
Marc:I am.
Marc:You've supported it with the entire history of comedy.
Guest:I tried.
Guest:I gave it a shot.
Guest:I've been in LA 10 years, and it's hard.
Guest:Here's the irony.
Guest:I can't really get booked in the black rooms out here, because in comedy, they have black nights.
Marc:Is there layers of racism?
Marc:Why wouldn't you be able to be booked in a black room?
Guest:Because they look at me like, oh, he's not going to get... I'm not really low energy, but I'm low energy when I want to be.
Guest:I pick and choose my battles, and I don't feel like I always have to go to the audience.
Guest:Never do I feel like I have to go to them.
Guest:I let them come to me.
Guest:But in a black room, they feel like you're supposed to have a certain amount of energy because they want to be entertained.
Marc:Have you ever tanked in a black room?
What?
What?
Guest:I auditioned for Dev Comedy Jam when I was 17, and they booed me so bad, I just said, fuck it, I'm going to college.
Guest:And I was like, people don't treat people like this.
Guest:This is not... It's almost like they rehearsed the boo before I got on stage.
Guest:Like, look, when he comes on stage, we don't give a fuck what he's doing.
Guest:Get the wave going.
Guest:And...
Guest:The wave of boo.
Guest:It was wave of boo.
Guest:I was 17.
Guest:I looked like I was 12 at the time.
Guest:And I didn't know the... I'm from the South.
Guest:No one took me under their wing and said, this is how you're supposed to do comedy.
Guest:I went on stage with an Adidas t-shirt, some shorts on, and some shoes.
Guest:I looked like I just fucking got out of summer camp.
Guest:And went on stage.
Guest:I'm like, hey, let me tell you all some jokes.
Guest:I was like, get the fuck out of here.
Guest:Your mom just dropped you off.
Guest:And we have to watch you until she comes back to pick you up.
Guest:That's my life, Mark.
Guest:You're laughing at it.
Marc:Isn't that the idea?
Marc:Yeah, it is.
Marc:What kind of family do you come from?
Guest:Single parent home.
Guest:My mother and father split up in first grade.
Guest:I had to go to a psychiatrist and shit because I tried to...
Guest:I tried to become the father of the home and do what my dad did after he left, and I tried to play his position.
Guest:And it kind of took a toll on me.
Guest:And I kind of grew up faster than I wanted to.
Guest:And a part of me doing stand-up was because I used to make my mom laugh.
Guest:So if I made my mom laugh, oh, shit, I'm going to go take this, go make some money, come back and buy her the house.
Guest:Like I said, I want her to have.
Guest:And it led me out here.
Guest:And...
Guest:Like I said, I used to enjoy it.
Guest:I quit comedy every day.
Guest:Did you quit today?
Guest:I did.
Guest:You're back, though.
Guest:Until this podcast, and then I'm done.
Guest:I literally have to say fuck comedy because what's happened, and you know it, you know it, the industry has changed so much, and they fucked us in a sense of
Guest:YouTube is a new talent agency.
Guest:So it's kind of like you really can't... Agents and managers don't come to the comedy clubs anymore to discover talent.
Guest:They hire an intern to sit in their office and watch YouTube and find out who the fuck can play a piano with their foot.
Guest:And then...
Guest:with a parakeet on the head or something.
Guest:And then they're like, oh, this guy is talented.
Guest:He's got 20 million views.
Guest:Let's give him a fucking show.
Guest:And that's what happens.
Guest:And then it's like comics that really go to the club to try to hone their craft and be funny and be genuine and interact with the audience.
Guest:We get overlooked because agents and managers don't want to come out anymore.
Guest:And it made me do things that I did not want to do.
Guest:Like play piano at your foot?
Guest:I tried.
Guest:It doesn't work.
Guest:I did Last Comic Standing.
Guest:I did not want to do Last Comic Standing.
Guest:I'm grateful for the exposure that it gave me, but I did not want to do that.
Guest:That's not the path that I wanted to take because I knew it was bullshit in the beginning.
Guest:I knew I was not.
Guest:I fucking knew I wasn't going to win that shit.
Marc:You know, that's a winning attitude.
Marc:Rent was due.
Guest:Optimism, you say.
Guest:Cultivating magic.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I just didn't want to do it, but it was no other opportunities to get on TV.
Guest:Did it help you out?
Guest:It helped me get my Twitter followers up to 200 people.
Marc:Hey, that's a start, man.
Guest:It's a start.
Guest:Clubs, you know what's crazy?
Guest:Last Comic Standing first aired, comics would get booked immediately after that.
Guest:But what happens is they don't tell you.
Guest:The comics that do Last Comic Standing, they use their best material on this show to try to win this competition.
Guest:So when they go on the road, it's hard to come up with a fucking good, solid bit.
Guest:So when they go to clubs, people are like, we've seen that shit on TV.
Guest:Like, but bitch, I don't have time to write you new jokes.
Guest:I...
Guest:just got off TV yesterday, and they put me in the club today.
Guest:Like, it takes time to come up with a solid hour.
Marc:Yeah, that's one thing people don't really understand.
Marc:That is the hardest thing about, whether it's the last comic standing or anything.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, if you put a CD out, or I, you know, I talk about my life, everything on this fucking podcast, and then some of it becomes jokes, and then you have people, they seem to think that we can compete with the technology of how they get shit.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:We're still just people.
Marc:I mean, you know,
Marc:You know, and you just, like, there's... Sometimes I'll get on stage and I'll be like, I'm just gonna start with this morning.
Marc:Um...
Marc:That's all you can do sometimes.
Marc:I know.
Marc:And you're like, well, nothing really happened.
Marc:Well, I got to get that new... I got to get my shoe fixed because... And then you're like, this isn't going anywhere.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So it burned a lot of comics because comics would go to clubs and play the rooms and the people are like, oh, we've seen that material already and they felt burned.
Guest:So then when we did Last Comics and the last season, which rest in peace to Greg, Geraldo, and Mike DiStefano, the show just... It was a bad fucking...
Guest:but it was the only way we could get exposure.
Guest:I like, true story, I've submitted for a half hour to Comedy Central four times, a different set each time.
Guest:It'll come around.
Guest:No.
Marc:Yes, it will.
Marc:Dude.
Guest:I'm sorry, optimism.
Marc:Listen, the one thing I know from 25 years of whatever the fuck I've been doing,
Marc:Bitterness doesn't sell.
Guest:I'm happy on this.
Guest:I have a PlayStation in the house.
Guest:I play Call of Duty every night.
Guest:How many zombies I kill?
Marc:All I'm saying is that the one thing that I know about comedy is as much as you think that people have decided that you're not going to be the guy, one day you're going to realize they don't know who the fuck I am until all of a sudden they're like, where'd this guy come from?
Marc:And then you're a fucking rock star.
Marc:I do.
Guest:I'm cool.
Guest:I've gotten great advice.
Marc:I'm actually giving a pep talk.
Guest:You are.
Guest:You see this shit?
Marc:It's a rare event.
Marc:The book works.
Marc:You just have to touch that book.
Guest:Yeah, you gotta rub it.
Guest:I've gotten good advice.
Guest:I used to live in New York.
Guest:I did New York for two years, which made me a better comic.
Marc:It teaches you how to fight.
Guest:Well, the stages are better.
Guest:The quality of... You can't fuck around.
Marc:No, you can't.
Guest:You got to go on stage and like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Guest:Out here in LA, they'll let you hang yourself.
Guest:And they're like, that's not funny at all.
Guest:But they'll let you sit through it.
Guest:But a lot of the problem, the problem with LA's crowd versus New York's crowds are New York doesn't give a fuck who you are.
Guest:As long as you're funny, they're going to laugh.
Guest:They don't give out how many credits you have.
Guest:As long as you're funny.
Guest:LA is more jaded because they're waiting on a celebrity to pop in.
Guest:Like the Laugh Factory, they're waiting on Dane Cook to pop in.
Guest:And it is cool.
Guest:Oh, for those who don't know, you never said that.
Guest:I wrote on the third season of the Boondocks cartoon.
Guest:See that?
Guest:Some people watch my work.
Marc:Thank you for being here, man.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Guest:I appreciate it, man.
Marc:Thank you for having me on.
Marc:Marontio Vance.
Guest:Move on down.
Guest:Can I plug my podcast?
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Guest:I have a podcast that I do also.
Guest:I do it on my couch in my living room.
Guest:It's called Just Killing Time with Maranzia Vance.
Guest:So if you want to come listen to it, it's not as high-grade quality as this.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:Maranzia Vance.
Marc:My next guest is my new buddy.
Marc:Yeah, I love this guy.
Marc:I don't know why.
Marc:Jonah Ray, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Jonah Ray.
Marc:You might know him from the Nerdist podcast or perhaps from, what else?
Marc:From the Nerdist podcast.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I've been on TV.
Guest:Yeah, what do you got?
Guest:I was on Live at Gotham.
Guest:Remember that?
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:That was a big break.
Guest:That was my big break.
Guest:I'm still waiting for the results of what that can do to a comic.
Guest:Amy Schumer's doing great.
Guest:She was on my episode.
Guest:That's about it.
Guest:How did this fucking episode of WTF take this turn?
Marc:What a fucking panel, huh?
Guest:It's like...
Marc:Tonight's WTF is showcasing young bitterness.
Marc:You know, so many people are used to the old bitterness, but it's interesting when it happens in younger men.
Marc:It's a disease that afflicts anybody with a dream that they've decided has not happened.
Guest:Welcome to Los Angeles, the land of entitlement.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The title of this episode is just going to be... Come on, man.
Guest:Yeah, I'm good.
Guest:I write on the soup, and I've written on WebSoup.
Guest:This isn't about credits, Jonah.
Guest:This is about people.
Guest:You just asked what they might have seen me on.
Guest:All right, it's about credits then.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:But they're not going to see you writing.
Guest:No.
Guest:Not the things I write.
Guest:Every sketch opens with CC the writer.
Guest:This is a sketch by Jonah.
Marc:Here's the thing about Jonah.
Marc:There's a couple things that I need to know about.
Marc:You only wrote down one thing.
Marc:Hawaii.
Marc:I can remember other things.
Marc:You've got me on this fucking diet, dude.
Guest:Yeah, it's true.
Guest:Slow carb diet.
Marc:He got me on the fucking slow carb diet.
Guest:Which I'm not really doing much anymore.
Marc:I feel like I don't want to keep mentioning it because I don't want that.
Marc:I'm not necessarily here to plug his diet because, you know, he seems like a good enough guy.
Marc:I just want to know how to eat.
Marc:But that diet book, it's got the whole last chapter is about fucking for a long time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I didn't read the book at first when I first started trying to diet.
Guest:Yeah, who wants the book?
Guest:Just tell me what to eat.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I read the cliff notes and the reviews of the book.
Guest:I was like, I don't want to buy that.
Guest:I don't want to buy a diet book.
Guest:Who am I?
Guest:And then I just went on men.com and read reviews.
Guest:I'm like, I got the gist of it.
Guest:And I got real sick.
Guest:Nothing worse.
Guest:I was like, I got it.
Guest:I got it.
Guest:And I'm just going to start working out like crazy.
Guest:Have you been eating beans?
Guest:Fuck no.
Guest:Just me eating vegetables and I'm going to be fine.
Guest:And I fucking got sick.
Guest:Well, there's nothing better than men talking about weight issues.
Guest:Right?
Guest:I could do it all day long, man.
Guest:And pants.
Guest:I fucking talked about pants.
Guest:I loved your conversation.
Guest:I got pants like that once where they said, don't wash it.
Guest:If it gets smelly, I put it in the freezer.
Guest:And I really should have told my roommate that I was doing that because I just got so much shit from him.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I can't wash them.
Guest:Why not?
Guest:Because the store was nice.
Guest:It's a nice store.
Guest:I spend more money than usual on these pants.
Marc:I ran into Kevin Christie, and I told him about my pants problem, because I just apped that the comic issue had just occurred.
Marc:Kevin Christie's another comic.
Marc:I saw him at the comedy store, and I told him what had happened.
Marc:He's like, oh, that's too bad, because I haven't watched these in a year, and they're perfect.
Marc:I'm like, fuck you.
Marc:Fuck you.
Guest:I failed my pant.
Guest:I had a pants problem once.
Guest:I got a gift certificate to Urban Outfitters because someone looked at me and figured I'd love it.
Guest:Looks like you might live there.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:If I keep on losing some more weight, I can model for them.
Guest:But I went there.
Guest:Someone gave me a gift certificate.
Guest:I was like, oh, shit, I need some pants.
Guest:I'm going to go get pants from Urban Outfitters.
Guest:And it was around Christmas time.
Guest:And I got a few pants.
Guest:I'm like, this is going to be great.
Guest:These are all good looking pants.
Guest:I go into the dressing room.
Guest:And as they're not fitting on me at all, the Peanuts Christmas song, Christmas time is here.
Guest:Starts playing just like, Christmas time is not buttoning together.
Guest:I'm like, that's a real pants problem.
Guest:You got to lose weight.
Guest:What was that?
Guest:Another beer?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:But you did grow up in Hawaii, and I find that fascinating because it's so fucking weird.
Marc:But it's where'd you grow up?
Marc:New Mexico.
Marc:Yeah, that's fucking weird to me.
Marc:Yeah, but it's on land.
Yeah.
Marc:You're out there in the middle of fucking nowhere on an island that people fly to.
Marc:There's no other way to get there.
Marc:You can go by boat if that takes too long.
Marc:It does take too long, yeah.
Marc:But doesn't that create sort of a weird disposition where you wake up and you're like, well, we're all alone out here.
Guest:Well, it does if you let it bother you.
Guest:Especially for me.
Guest:Because I'm incredibly white, Mark.
Guest:I'm incredibly white.
Guest:It's like, you know, a lot of my brother, he doesn't give a shit.
Guest:He loves Hawaii.
Guest:He'll stay there.
Guest:There's nothing not to love about it, but who lives there?
Guest:What if you like, you know, like to see bands or drive more than 15 minutes?
Guest:without having to take a left.
Guest:I got into music really early on, and I just dream of seeing bands or road trips.
Guest:Road trips for us, for me and my friends, was 45 minutes to Mililani to go to the Walmart.
Guest:Oh, Walmart.
Guest:What island did you live on?
Guest:Well, we'd go to Walmart and just... Which island were you on?
Guest:I was on Oahu.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Yeah, I grew up in the town of Kailua, which is on the windward side, you know.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I've been to Kauai twice.
Guest:I've been to Kauai twice.
Guest:I've been to Kauai twice.
Guest:Yeah, that's nice.
Guest:Yeah, every time I tell someone I'm from Hawaii, they're like, oh, I've been to Maui.
Guest:I'm like, not me.
Guest:You haven't?
Guest:No, why am I going to go to an identical-looking island for a vacation?
Guest:I'll just go up the street.
Guest:Oh, a beach, huh?
Guest:Water, sand, I got it.
Guest:No, but it's right over there.
Guest:You spent an entire childhood.
Guest:You didn't go to every fucking island?
Guest:No.
Marc:What about that weird island where only the weird people live?
Guest:The lepers?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The Molokai.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Are there really lepers there?
Guest:Well, it's a former leper colony.
Guest:They're all good, but you can only get there by boat or donkey.
Guest:Donkeys go on water?
Yeah.
Guest:No, they go down the side of the cliff.
Guest:Magic donkeys.
Guest:They go down the side of the cliff.
Guest:Even magic donkeys.
Guest:The donkeys are what cured the leprosy.
Guest:Little known fact.
Guest:They flew in.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Flying donkeys.
Guest:But I went to the Big Island a bunch, and I've been to... But they do have that island where you can't go, right?
Guest:Yeah, I think... Yeah, Lanai.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:That always fascinated me, because you'd be on Kauai doing the beach thing, and then people were like, no one goes to that island.
Marc:And then you're like, fuck.
Guest:yeah yeah you can see the island yeah yeah and it's just sort of like that's the haunted island no no it's just it's really expensive oh really yeah you can go there if you have money oh really yeah yeah so rich lepers live there rich no no no rich uh well let's talk about the food man so you're you're eating that poi i hate poi
Guest:I hated Poi so much.
Guest:Actually, I got into a fight once as a kid.
Guest:Do you know what Poi is?
Guest:Do you know what Poi is?
Guest:It's taro root pounded down to a putty.
Guest:I know what it is, but I haven't eaten it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Have you?
Guest:No, never.
Guest:Yeah, it's the fucking worst.
Guest:And they act like it's great and cultural.
Guest:That's bullshit.
Guest:They're just trying to fuck with us, right, when we vacation there?
Guest:No, all my family loved Poi.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, and they said, oh, put a little sugar in it.
Guest:I put so much sugar in it once that it turned fucking purple-y neon.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it still sucked.
Guest:And then what's the other pig?
Guest:Oh, Kahlua pork?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But you came to my house with some weird shit.
Guest:Malasadas.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which is like a Portuguese donut.
Guest:It's a good treat.
Marc:It's a delightful snack when you're... Because that's what's interesting about Hawaiian cuisine.
Marc:I think Sarah Vowell wrote a whole book about it.
Marc:Because people just from over the years just stopped there and left shit there and said, here, integrate this into your weird diet.
Guest:Yeah, it's all, you know, it's like a little bit Japanese, a little bit Korean, a little bit country.
Guest:And then the roosters.
Guest:There's roosters everywhere.
Guest:Yeah, they weren't indigenous.
Guest:No.
Guest:Someone fucking left them there.
Guest:Same thing.
Guest:Donkeys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Donkeys weren't there.
Guest:And the wild pigs.
Guest:And the boars.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, it's a beautiful place, but it's the fucking worst place in the world.
Guest:What does it matter?
Guest:When did they become Animal Planet with this fucking thing?
Guest:And the centipedes, my friend, they get about this big.
Guest:Do they?
Guest:They are fucking huge and scary.
Guest:They fuck you up a centipede in Hawaii.
Guest:Centipedes are horrendous.
Guest:Yeah, I fucking hate them.
Yeah.
Marc:So, all right.
Marc:So I can't eat any more fucking beans.
Marc:That's all I'm going to tell you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, you have to on that diet, though.
Guest:It sucks.
Marc:Enough.
Marc:It's pushed my relationship to the edge.
Guest:I farted a lot beforehand with my girl.
Guest:So she knew.
Guest:Once we started the diet, it was just par for the course a little bit more.
Guest:But it's weird because my farts have gotten worse.
Marc:I'm embarrassed to share this.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I share a lot of things, but I don't want people to... My farts sound like a guy trying not to throw up a bunch of food.
Guest:Or just like... No, no, no!
Guest:Look, I got a fucking fuck!
Guest:What?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That happened too, because every time I fart, my girlfriend, she's like, she thinks it's funny because farts are fucking hilarious.
Guest:But then that one happened and she's like, what the fuck?
Marc:That is the worst thing, that once you cross a fart barrier in a relationship, when you're in that zone and you surprise yourself and her with one, that's a horrendous moment.
Guest:Yeah, that was a long silence after that one.
Marc:I've recently taken it upon myself to call myself a fartist.
Marc:I'm not trying to rationalize.
Marc:I'm trying to put some sort of spin on it where it's like, who else can do this?
Guest:I had a fart recently, and it went, and I literally went, aww.
Guest:Because comparatively, it was adorable.
Guest:What is this diet?
Guest:I'm interested now.
Guest:Oh, we'll get you on it.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I need to get back on it.
Guest:I really derail myself.
Guest:It's beer that does it.
Guest:We got to stop talking about this.
Guest:This is the shittiest version of The View.
Guest:It's the best version of The View.
Guest:Where guys talk about guy stuff.
Guest:These pants don't fit as good as they used to.
Guest:And they get real raw.
Marc:Ice cream.
Marc:All right, Jonah Ray, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Let's move it down.
Marc:Get Mojo out here.
Marc:Like, some guy tweeted, you should get Mojo Nixon.
Marc:And I'm like, fuck it, I love Skid and Mojo.
Marc:I went and saw Skid and Mojo 1985, 86 at the Paradise.
Marc:I had those first three albums.
Marc:I fucking loved them.
Marc:And I said, how the hell do I get hold of Mojo Nixon?
Marc:So the guy sends me an email of a guy.
Marc:And I emailed the guy.
Marc:I said, how do I get hold of Mojo Nixon?
Marc:And then I got an email from Mojo Nixon.
Guest:Nice.
Marc:He just says, I'm here.
Marc:Where am I going?
Marc:Mojo Nixon, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, set that over there for now and come talk for a minute and then we'll make the raucus.
Marc:How you doing, man?
Marc:I'm good, Mark.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:I'm fucking great.
Marc:I'm thrilled that you're here.
Marc:I saw you in the Paradise in Boston and you were pounding on water jugs.
Guest:I was the Sonic Love jugs.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we were talking about psychedelic mushrooms.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You weren't high, were you?
Guest:Oh, yeah, I was.
Guest:Back when you was high.
Marc:Yeah, I was really high.
Marc:And it was like speaking to me.
Marc:All the noise.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So, and now, what happened to Skid?
Guest:Skid Roper's currently serving time in Louisiana.
Guest:We can't talk about that right here tonight.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:No, I'm fucking lying.
Guest:I'm a musician.
Guest:I'm full of shit.
Guest:What's more full of shit than a comedian?
Guest:A musician?
Guest:A musician.
Guest:Where you been, man?
Guest:Well, I've been down in San Diego.
Guest:I've been working on the radio.
Guest:I'm on Sirius Satellite Radio.
Guest:In fact, I have a political talk show.
Guest:It's called Liar Cocksuckers.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:You know, because that's what politicians are.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:In fact, you were talking about Bush earlier.
Guest:I started it because, you know, Bush invaded Iraq, which had nothing to do with 9-11, and nobody was saying anything about it.
Guest:So I would go on like 27-minute rants, you know, that had a lot of, and another thing!
Guest:And I'd just be recording these things, and I'd see my face in the mirror.
Guest:I'd look like Hitler giving one of them damn speech.
Guest:My hair's all gone, I'm sweating, I'd have a headache afterwards.
Guest:And the mustache you had didn't help at all.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:So how are you feeling now?
Guest:You know, I'm pretty much done with music.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I host this show, Outlaw Country, every weekday afternoon.
Guest:That's kind of Steve Earle, Lucinda Williams.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, Rednecks hopped up on goofballs.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:How about the originals?
Guest:George Jones, Merle.
Guest:Oh, George Jones and all the way back to Jimmy Rogers.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All three Hanks and we play all that music.
Guest:Hank 3 is a fucking trip, man.
Guest:Shelton is a motherfucker.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, you can put it that way.
Guest:So I do that, and I also have a NASCAR talk show.
Guest:I'm from Danville, Virginia.
Guest:I love NASCAR.
Guest:I have a NASCAR talk show called Manifold Destiny.
Guest:You have to say it like that every time, which is fucking exhausting.
Guest:I did the show last night.
Guest:I did the show last night, and I know it's a good show when somebody goes, hey, manifold.
Guest:They start calling me.
Guest:It's supposed to be Mojo Nixon's Manifold Dexter.
Guest:They start calling me, hey, manifold, man, tell me about that race.
Guest:Woo!
Woo!
Marc:No, that's sort of like, it's weird because most of us, you know, sort of northern-minded liberal fucks think that NASCAR is just for morons.
Guest:No, no, no, no, no, no.
Guest:All sports is stupid.
Guest:NASCAR, right, you're chasing a ball, right?
Guest:All sports is stupid.
Guest:NASCAR is just our stupid sport.
Guest:But here's the thing.
Guest:NASCAR starts with guys running moonshine.
Guest:Running moonshine.
Guest:They got these hopped up cars to get away from the revenuers.
Guest:Some genius goes, why don't we put those cars in a circle?
Guest:We'll sell beer and fried chicken.
Guest:Maybe we'll have a bluegrass band and we'll start butt dancing.
Guest:And then all through the hills of Southern Virginia and North Carolina, you can hear that.
Guest:Scaring the living shit out of you Yankees.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So that's really how it started.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Where'd you grow up?
Guest:I grew up in Danville, Virginia, which is right on, just north of Chapel Hill.
Guest:Grew up in a small town.
Guest:I went to college in Ohio.
Guest:I didn't know I was a hillbilly.
Guest:Until I raised my hand in class and said, Sir, that's the epitome.
laughter
Guest:When's anybody going to say epitome in Danville, Virginia?
Guest:I can read.
Guest:Do you really come from hill people?
Guest:Nah, you know, my parents are from small towns in North Carolina, and they were desperate, you know, to be middle class.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because they grew up during the Depression, and they were dirt poor.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But they were hillbillies.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They didn't have chickens in the yard, but their parents did.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:So you grew up with that whole diet?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And all I did, my mother used to have a can, a coffee can full of bacon grease back behind the stove.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, she'd just reach in there.
Guest:Get the good stuff.
Guest:That's why I'm in the shape I'm in today.
Yeah.
Guest:I ain't going to be going jogging.
Guest:Didn't you hurt your hand walking?
Guest:I hurt my hand, yeah.
Guest:I was getting so fat and so old, I ran my hand into a door jam and it swolled up.
Guest:It looked like a tick was on there.
Guest:A lot of ticks around here.
Guest:I need some water.
Guest:My mouth doesn't got all dry.
Guest:I was going to drink before the show.
Guest:I got to drive back to San Diego.
Guest:I can drunk drive, but 110 miles is my limit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm getting older.
Guest:Yeah, you gotta slow down.
Guest:I swear, we used to play club lingerie.
Guest:We'd play club lingerie.
Guest:We'd drink through the whole show.
Guest:We'd drink on the way home.
Guest:Then I'd snort a big line of speed off the back of my hand.
Guest:Make it through Camp Pendleton.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Back to San Diego!
Guest:My wife said, how'd the show go?
Guest:Oh, I'm good, baby.
Guest:I'm fine.
Guest:Speed.
Guest:That was a good one, huh?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Somebody gave me Adderall.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:They gave me seven.
Marc:You really need Adderall.
Guest:They gave me seven Adderalls.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'd been awake for two days, and so I took one.
Guest:Well, that was good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I took two more.
Guest:Well, pretty soon, within a half hour, I've taken all seven.
Guest:That was on Sunday morning.
Guest:I didn't go to sleep till Wednesday night.
Guest:And I just want to say I might have touched myself more than 100 times.
Guest:That's why I got these short pants on.
Guest:Easy access, huh?
Guest:Wore the legs off, taking them off so much.
Guest:They were full pants before you started taking the trunks.
Marc:Sometimes when you're that jacked up, it's really... Is this too much information?
Marc:No, fuck no, man.
Marc:I one time took mescaline, and I didn't think it was going to hit, so I waited four hours.
Marc:I left the party.
Marc:I got home, and it hit, and I didn't know what else to do but jerk off.
Marc:And I sat there and jerked off like three or four times, and every time I came, it was like Aztec pinball machines.
Marc:It was like I was on a different planet, and I thought everything was great.
Marc:But as soon as I got done with that, I was like, should I go to the emergency room?
LAUGHTER
Guest:That was the half and half drug experience.
Guest:I was once on a bunch of speed and it got really wasted and then I was done cleaning my apartment and I was drunk enough to go to my neighbor's apartment and ask if I can clean theirs.
Guest:It's a very spiritual vacuum.
Guest:Just let me clean up your back.
Guest:I'm not weird, man.
Guest:I'm just high.
Guest:You see me in the hall, man.
Guest:It's okay, right?
Guest:I'm not the only one.
Marc:No.
Marc:It's common.
Marc:So, now, what do you call the music you play?
Guest:Country or Psycho Billy?
Guest:Well, you know, some people call it Psycho Billy.
Guest:You know, I always thought what I did was get a little hillbilly, you know, little rockabilly thing going.
Guest:Then I start ranting and raving over it.
Guest:I tried to be David Bowie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That didn't work out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Were you in bands?
Guest:I was in bands.
Guest:I tried to be Mick Jagger and I didn't work out.
Guest:I should just do what I do best, which, you know, I'd sit down and I'd get a little hillbilly boogie woogie going.
Guest:Then I'd start telling a story.
Guest:Well, actually, I'd start lying.
Guest:Extemporaneous pontification is what I called it.
Guest:You got some fucking great songs, man.
Guest:What are the hits?
Guest:Elvis is Everywhere.
Guest:Elvis is Everywhere was the biggest hit.
Guest:Stuff in Martha's Muffin about old Martha Quinn.
Guest:Martha Quinn, yeah.
Guest:She still won't talk to me.
Guest:Don Henley Must Die.
Guest:Now, didn't something weird happen with Don Henley?
Guest:Don Henley got on stage in a place smaller than this and sang Don Henley Must Die with us.
Guest:And shut me the fuck up.
Guest:And I'm talking all shit, you know, and everything.
Guest:And he gets up there and belts it out.
Guest:For once, I shut up.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:Do you guys still talk?
Guest:Nah, fuck Don Henley.
Guest:Fucking, the Eagles are nothing but the country monkeys of the 70s.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:Who's your guys, though?
Marc:Who are your guys?
Guest:I like Elvis.
Guest:I like Bruce.
Guest:Look, I'm a hate-filled psycho.
Guest:There's a tiny bit of me that believes.
Guest:Bruce is romantic with a big R. And I want to believe that rock and roll can save my life.
Guest:Because ain't nothing else.
Guest:Politics ain't going to save my life.
Guest:Pussy ain't going to save my life.
Guest:Booze and drugs.
Guest:Apparently, jacking off the Adderall ain't going to save my life.
Marc:But it'll get you through.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:A rough spot.
Marc:But rock and roll will save your life.
Guest:Rock and roll, and I'm a believer in rock and roll.
Guest:I'm a believer in the power of music.
Guest:I moved to England in 1979.
Guest:My plan was to join the Clash.
Guest:I lived in a squat in Brixton.
Guest:Did they know you were there?
Guest:No, later, though.
Guest:Later, I met Joe Strummer through the Pogues.
Guest:He goes, oh, yeah.
Guest:He says, mate, you weren't the only one.
Guest:My parents wanted me to be a lawyer because I was a bullshit artist.
Guest:I want to use my bullshit for good, not for bad.
Guest:In fact, I wrote a song, Destroy All Lawyers.
Guest:It's got a good line in it.
Guest:They got their own bar where they drank pints of greed.
Guest:Let's spay and neuter them so they can't breed.
Guest:You want to do a couple songs?
Guest:Sure, man.
Marc:Let's set up a mic.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:Mojo Nixon.
Guest:I was going to do a song called I Got Fired From My Job Today.
Guest:But I thought of a better title.
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Lick my long and hairy prick.
Guest:Wall Street can... I'm gonna need some help out there.
Guest:I don't like banks.
Guest:I don't like brokers.
Guest:I don't like the Federal Reserve.
Guest:I don't like jokers.
Guest:Somebody needs to bail me out.
Guest:Cause I've been fucked over royally.
Guest:Somebody needs to bail me out.
Guest:Somebody needs to give me some grease.
Guest:You know, give me a hand job, a reach around, a little grease.
Guest:I mean, you gonna fuck Mojo in your ass?
Guest:God damn it, man.
Guest:Let me tell you something.
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Wall Street can't suck my dick.
Guest:Say!
Guest:Wall Street can't suck my dick.
Guest:Say it!
Guest:Wall Street can't suck my dick.
Guest:Suck it in the morning.
Guest:Suck it in the evening.
Guest:Suck it at supper time.
Guest:Suck it in the morning.
Guest:Suck it in the evening.
Guest:Suck it at supper time.
Guest:Now you might think, well, Mojo's just stalling because he's making this shit up as he goes along.
Guest:Friends.
Friends.
Guest:I'm all for occupying Wall Street.
Guest:I'm all for sticking it to the man.
Guest:But I'm not sure that camping is gonna scare millionaires and billionaires.
Guest:A bunch of dudes high on mushrooms, camping, beating on drums, may not get it done.
Guest:You know what we need to do?
Guest:We need to get all them Wall Street bankers and get them lined up in a big-ass line so they can... Wall Street can't suck my dick.
Guest:Wall Street can lick my dick.
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Everybody, say!
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Say it!
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Say it!
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Ah, yeah!
Wall Street can suck my dick.
Guest:Should have taken all those pills.
Guest:My mouth's all dried out.
Guest:So you say this is gospel, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's about a gospel influence.
Guest:You got one more there, Mojo?
Guest:I got one more, and this next one's even nastier.
Guest:I guess when I want... Is my balls hanging out yet?
Guest:You know, if you get a little... You see the magic hairy eyeball.
Guest:Make you want to live.
Guest:Give you optimism.
Guest:Shit.
Guest:Hairy eyeball fight cancer.
Guest:Okay, I want y'all to sing along on this one.
Guest:This one's called Tie My Pecker to My Leg.
Marc:Classic.
Guest:If you don't sing along, I'm fucking somebody in the ass.
Guest:Double classic.
Guest:Don't not sing along just to seize a ass fucking.
Guest:Mojo's two and a half inches of semi-soft whiskey dick folded over.
Guest:I stole that line from Doug Stano.
Guest:Fuck, he ain't here.
Guest:Don't let him know.
Guest:Yeah, here's how it goes.
Guest:Me, your mama, and some other whore floating down a river on a shithouse door.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg.
Guest:Well, mom's getting down with her 900 number.
Guest:Four dime billy bobble, give a basset how to hum her.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg.
Guest:Well, I need a woman six foot ten.
Guest:She gotta be that big so I can get it all in.
Guest:Go!
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg.
Guest:Well, my girl's so fine, I'm gonna suck her daddy's dick.
Guest:If you saw her face, she wouldn't give me no lip.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg.
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Guest:Well, I'm a big dick daddy and a fucking fool.
Guest:Eleven years old, went to pussy school.
Guest:Gonna tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg.
Guest:Tie my pecker to my leg.
Guest:That happens.
Guest:Something about sucking a dick, I think.
Guest:Or fucking something.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Mojo Nixon!
Marc:Thanks, buddy.
Marc:Keep it going for Steve Mazan, Maranzio Vance, Jonah Ray.
Marc:Thanks, Mojo.
Marc:That was fucking awesome.
Marc:Hang out a minute.
Marc:I got a... You know how... Look at all you guys singing dirty songs.
Marc:That was sweet.
Marc:He dragged you right down into it.
Marc:I fucking love it.
Marc:All right, so now we're going to end the way we usually do with two very special performers.
Marc:I need you to refocus on their neediness.
Marc:And now for this version of live WTF's remembrance section.
Marc:Of course, you know, we do eulogize some of the more recent dead.
Marc:Please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.
Marc:Nice to see you, Jim.
Marc:You want to use that mic there?
Marc:Yeah, that'd be very nice.
Marc:If we could get the music, please.
Marc:Hi, Jim.
Guest:Hey, how are you, man?
Marc:I'm very good.
Marc:Let's bring it down a little bit.
Okay.
Okay.
Guest:Tie my picker to my leg.
Guest:To my leg.
Guest:To my leg.
Guest:First obituary is William Wolfe, M.D., originator of the modern colonoscopy procedure.
Guest:William Wolfe, originator of the modern colonoscopy procedure, now practiced in well-ventilated clinics around the world...
Guest:has finally seen the murky light at the end of the long, disgusting tunnel.
Guest:After graduating from NYU in 1936, Wolf spent years pioneering the field of clinic investigation.
Guest:Then he became a doctor.
Guest:He was the first to develop a safe method for examining the full length of the colon without having to first unhook it from the family slip and slide.
Guest:Oh, come on!
Guest:As a result, the relatively unknown surgeon exploded from behind to become the number one expert on where number twos come from.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:A dedicated intestinal surgeon, Wolf was known for diving headfirst into each procedure, barely stopping even to catch a breath.
Guest:Friends say there was no impediment that could keep him from getting his hands dirty.
Guest:As head of the New York Surgical Society, Wolf published more than 120 scientific papers, all of them double-plyed.
Guest:Oh, you laugh at that one.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:Wolf was a gifted speaker, and his colonoscopy lectures would often leave the audience gripping their seats.
Guest:You expected this to go anywhere else?
Guest:His last request was that his sons might continue his legacy taint-free.
Guest:Steve Jobs.
Guest:No.
Guest:Steve Jobs, a man who inspired people all over the world to think outside the box, is now stuck in sidewalk.
Guest:Sources say just moments before his death, the ailing Jobs turned beige.
Guest:and then dragged himself into the trash.
Guest:News came as a shock to the countless Apple fans all around the world who still insist they're not going to buy his death until a later version comes out.
Guest:You know, Mark, historians rate jobs on a par with Thomas Edison, mainly because they both love to make silent movies of guys with big mustaches sneezing.
Guest:A true visionary, he was the first to see the real commercial potential of the graphical user interface, especially when it was made in Chinese sweatshops.
Guest:Mouse.
Guest:Mouse.
Guest:Jobs recently fought hard for city planners to approve his new company headquarters built in the style of a spaceship.
Guest:The hope was to attract non-union labor from Pluto who would only eat discarded Zunes.
Guest:for you nerds out there.
Guest:His last wish, Jobs' last wish was for Apple Police to search the surrounding neighborhood in order to find out which one of his employees accidentally took home his liver.
Guest:This obit was made on a Mac.
Guest:Jimero, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:That was awesome.
Guest:I really love you.
Guest:Proving beautifully it is not too soon.
Marc:Of course, we close in the traditional way with the traditional intensity that is Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:You're recording this on your phone?
Guest:I always record.
Marc:On the phone?
Guest:I always record on my Blackberry, yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:You know, and then I listen to it when I'm on the treadmill.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which is hardly ever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Or if I'm power walking in the park.
Guest:Power walking.
Guest:I'm not power walking.
Guest:I'm walking.
Guest:Who the fuck am I kidding?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:No, I say power walking.
Guest:I say power walking because that is the term that's used.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:And I try to wave my arms, you know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I want to talk about how fucking angry I've become conscious of my anger, you know?
Guest:Just now?
Guest:No, I love being, you know, I thought being angry is good.
Marc:Yeah, I'm with you.
Guest:Are you?
Guest:But what about rage?
Guest:What about rage?
Marc:You mean when you hurt other people?
Guest:Yeah, that's a bad thing.
Guest:That's a bad thing.
Marc:I'm real glad we've decided that.
Guest:What I want to talk about is I've become vegan.
Guest:I've become vegan because I will not stand by for the slaughter of animals in general.
Guest:I've made this stand.
Guest:And look, if you're not a vegan and if you still eat animals, I'm better than you.
Guest:But I just... No!
Guest:I am!
Guest:And people who are vegetarians and vegans I think are better than... Because I think we have to become conscious.
Guest:But I'll tell you, being conscious is a pain in the fucking ass.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Being conscious is a pain in the fucking ass because I smell the things I like.
Guest:I grew up Italian.
Guest:We just eat anything.
Guest:But, you know, killing fucking animals is wrong.
Marc:So you're no longer going to eat fear and pain and death.
Marc:Yes.
Guest:I know.
Guest:That surprised me that you said that.
Guest:But I'm still angry.
Guest:And I'm putting on weight, so I'm pissed off.
Marc:So you're vegan now and you're getting fatter.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:What the fuck am I doing wrong?
Guest:I think I'm eating too many grains.
Guest:I'm eating too many grains.
Guest:And I'm an angry vegan.
Guest:I'm like, you know, my girlfriend.
Guest:I'm like, honey, where the fuck is the quinoa?
Guest:Like, that's the fucking way I am now.
Guest:If there is not a fucking... If there isn't some fucking kale...
Guest:I don't do kale.
Guest:That's a cliche.
Guest:I don't do kale.
Marc:I do kale.
Marc:What are you eating that's making you fat?
Marc:You do kale?
Marc:Sure, I love kale.
Guest:I'm not a big kale guy.
Guest:What are you eating?
Guest:I like spinach.
Guest:No, I like grains, but I'm craving.
Guest:I think taking away the meat somehow, I've always been a big eater, so I need to eat.
Guest:Stuffed substance.
Guest:yes substance it's so hard to just but you know what I realized and I was talking about this with my shrink today this isn't a big thing but for me it's a big thing because I'm becoming conscious is that hunger is in my fucking mind
Guest:You know, when my shrink says this shit, I get mad.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I'm like, fuck you.
Guest:She's very skinny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I'm like, fuck you.
Guest:She's like, because I said I crave things.
Guest:I crave things.
Guest:And by the way, now I'm doing shit like, because I'm trying to cut out sugar.
Guest:You've cut out sugar, right?
Marc:Yeah, it's for the time, till tomorrow.
Marc:I get a cheat day.
Marc:I don't know what the hell it is.
Guest:I don't believe in the cheat days because, you know.
Marc:Whatever you believe in, it's not working.
Guest:you said that with such disdain is that part of your awareness because I think that's really the key to you becoming I am just such I'm just such a fucking like old man now because I just fucking I freeze grapes I freeze grapes I'm laughing at this shit I freeze grapes and I look forward to them
Guest:Like how fucking sad.
Guest:It's sad.
Guest:It's not.
Marc:It's sweet.
Marc:It's good.
Marc:Frozen grapes are wonderful.
Guest:They taste really good, but I eat them like a fucking lunatic.
Guest:Like I get up.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I think it's a pound or even two pounds.
Guest:It's tri-colored grapes.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Trader Joe's in the plastic container.
Guest:Yes, exactly.
Marc:Sure.
Guest:I love when we have common ground like that.
Guest:And it's like, I freeze these fucking things, and then I'm just watching.
Guest:You know, I have certain things I like to watch.
Guest:You know, what the fuck am I watching?
Guest:It's always murder mystery.
Guest:Like, I like Poirot, you know.
Guest:Oh, yeah, he's fucking good, David Suchet.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:David Souche is good.
Guest:How did he get this fucking part?
Guest:Agatha Christie sucks because if you watch a lot of that shit, you realize everybody gets fucking poisoned in Agatha Christie.
Guest:You ever watch Agatha Christie?
Guest:Everybody gets fucking poisoned.
Guest:If you watch a lot of any show, you just see the little formula that these fucks do.
Marc:Yeah, the thing that makes him watchable.
Guest:That's a problem with me.
Guest:I'm such an anarchist.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'm an anarchist just in my life.
Guest:And I really like to be successful.
Guest:You need structure.
Guest:And I don't have any.
Marc:You have veganism now.
Marc:That's structure.
Marc:No.
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:Look, I've gotten big.
Guest:So I have to fucking.
Guest:So now I'm doing this whole conscious thing where I'm just going to fucking.
Guest:I'm going to go home after this because I like the reward thing.
Marc:Do you have a soda stream?
Marc:Because if you.
Marc:If I have what?
Marc:Do you have a soda stream where you make your own seltzer?
Guest:Are you fucking kidding me?
Guest:No.
Guest:What is a soda stream?
Guest:It's like a little stream in your backyard.
Guest:You have koi fish in it.
Guest:No, I'm kidding.
Marc:Do you talk to other people generally?
Marc:Do I what?
Marc:Do you talk to people?
Marc:Like, do you live in the world we all live in?
Guest:Not a lot.
Guest:I really don't.
Guest:I really don't.
Guest:Do you?
Guest:I'm sick of it.
Guest:I'm sick of it.
Guest:I know you are, but... You have a soda stream?
Guest:That makes you part of the world?
Guest:What the fuck is that?
Guest:Mark is doing well.
Marc:He's got a soda stream.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's a very inexpensive convenience.
Guest:What is it?
Marc:You take water and you screw it onto a thing and you go and it makes seltzer.
Guest:That's fucked up, man.
Guest:No, it isn't fucked up.
Guest:I like seltzer.
Guest:I really like seltzer.
Marc:I'm drinking seltzer.
Guest:You're eating frozen grapes.
Guest:Who's fucked up?
Guest:You're right.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:I'm getting less and less articulate.
Guest:Since I've become a vegan.
Guest:And my rage.
Guest:It's like, my rage now is so much that I just want to express myself like this.
Guest:Like, hey!
Marc:How is that different than any other fucking day for you?
Guest:No, but just say that.
Guest:Like, just be like, hey, Eddie, how you doing?
I don't
Marc:fucking know i don't fucking know you know what you should do press you should go to you should go to fucking india all right and you spend six months at a fucking ashram all right and just you know all you do is eat beans and sit all right i know you're doing that now but you're doing that i'm not doing it well i know that's what i'm saying you can't sit in that i'm always like oh i gotta update the website okay
Guest:You know, bullshit like that.
Marc:Take your film crew, you go to India, you sit, and you see what happens.
Marc:You sit quietly.
Guest:In India?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I thought that's a bustling place.
Marc:There are places you can go just to sit quietly.
Marc:You should do a day-long, silent meditation.
Guest:Yeah?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Where you don't talk.
Guest:I don't talk.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What do you think of that?
Guest:I think I would try it.
Guest:I don't want to be one of these guys, though, who traipses all over the fucking world looking for themselves.
Guest:Would you rather just do it at home?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'd rather do it at home.
Guest:It's easier.
Guest:It's easier.
Guest:You fucking don't have to go to India.
Marc:What a drag.
Marc:Wow, so all of a sudden you're like one of these isolationist people.
Marc:A little bit.
Marc:Interesting, the contradictions.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:All right, thank you.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:Thanks for hanging out.
Marc:Eddie Peppitone, Jim Earl, Mojo Nixon, Steve Mazan, Maranzio Vance, Jonah Ray.
Marc:You guys have been great.
Marc:Chris Cooper, the very amazing poster artist in the house.
Marc:WTFPod.com.
Marc:I love you.
Marc:Good night.
you