Episode 24 - Live at UCB LA - 11/15/09
Guest 4:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest 1:What the fuck?
Guest 1:With Mark Maron.
Guest 5:Thank you.
Guest 5:Thank you.
Guest 5:Hello, what the fuckers.
Marc:Thank you for coming to the show.
Marc:Welcome to the show.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:You're very close.
Marc:It's going to be awkward now because I've broken the wall and now you're uncomfortable and I'm a little uncomfortable.
Marc:I'm just going to sit in it.
Marc:It's horrible, isn't it?
Marc:I'm very glad you all came.
Marc:I'm very glad that we have a great show.
Marc:We have Maria Bamford.
Marc:We have Doug Benson.
Marc:Whitney Cummings.
Marc:Chris Hardrick.
Marc:Jim Earl's gonna do poetry later.
Marc:Jim Earl has decided that he's a poet.
Marc:And Eddie Pepitone will take us out on an upbeat note.
Marc:I have to say hi to a couple people who are listeners.
Marc:I got some criticism from someone named Aparna who was angry that I only say hi to people who live in Calcutta from that part of the world.
Marc:So I have to say hi to Aparna in Nepal.
Marc:Isn't that fucking exciting?
Marc:Because of podcasts?
Marc:I got a letter from a guy in Iran, an email.
Marc:He said, I listened to you on the train, on the way to work, and I'm very appreciative of it, and I laugh a lot.
Marc:I cannot give you money because they don't allow international credit cards in Iran.
Marc:And I'm like, yeah, fuck, I've heard that before.
Marc:Sure, pal.
Marc:Yeah, I get it.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:That was just for the political people in Iran.
Marc:I still have a few of those that hang out, even though this is not an essentially political show, because I do have some resentment towards my liberal brethren, I have to be honest with you.
Marc:Because I've decided that a liberal is somebody who gets up in the morning and says, God, I feel great today, but there's some people that don't.
Marc:On a personal note, I went through a divorce, as many of you know, because I talked about it compulsively for two years on stage and wherever I could.
Marc:But I don't know.
Marc:It's not sad yet.
Marc:I mean, it was sad then.
Marc:I'm through the tunnel.
Marc:I'm not fucking sad anymore.
Marc:I'm over it, man.
Marc:I've worked through it, okay?
Marc:So leave me alone.
Marc:I am.
Marc:I'm okay with it unless I think about the money.
Marc:But I'm very relieved to not be middle of the divorce guy anymore because I think it was draining for everybody.
Marc:And it's... Because when you're in the middle of a divorce guy, it's just, you know, you only think about one thing.
Marc:It's the only conversation you have.
Marc:It doesn't matter where people enter it.
Marc:You could be talking to anybody.
Marc:It makes no difference.
Marc:You'll get to the point where I'd be, like, buying a soda, and the guy would be, like, $1.50.
Marc:I'd be like, oh, yeah, then she fucking... You know, it just never... And...
Marc:But I heard through the grapevine... Well, here's the thing.
Marc:Because I'm not angry anymore, there's this thing that people say to me now, which is, because they know I'm over it, they're like, don't worry, she'll get hers.
Marc:And I have this moment in my mind where I'm like, will I be notified?
Marc:I mean, how do I know she gets hers if I don't give it to her?
Marc:Is there a karma alert that isn't unlike a Google alert where I will be notified that she has lost a job or a finger?
Marc:Or, you know...
Marc:And then you don't realize whether or not you're over something until... Like, I heard a rumor that she was pregnant, and in my mind, I'm like, all right, well, that's good for her.
Marc:And that's the dismissive good for her.
Marc:The usage is not like, good for her.
Marc:It's like, good for her, which is equivalent to fuck her.
Marc:There's a way of saying good to her, which is the same as her.
Marc:So now I've just got to deal with a head full of, like, I hope her baby's born without a face.
Marc:You know, like, you know...
Marc:Which is not something you're supposed to say out loud.
Marc:It's something people think, you know?
Marc:And then you're like, it's those struggles that we have with ourselves that are supposed to dictate whether we have character or not.
Marc:You're not supposed to say that shit out loud.
Marc:You know, like, because in my head, I'm like, that's wrong, dude.
Marc:You're going to fucking get... You're going to pay for that comment, even if you just think it.
Marc:And then you're like, all right, well, maybe the kid will just be a drug addict.
Marc:Is that okay?
Marc:Is that reasonable?
Marc:Because I know if I got a car mower, like, baby born without face, I'd be like, oh, I feel bad, because I said...
Marc:That kid will probably be a drug addict anyway.
Marc:So if some of you listened to the show where I interviewed Zach and my friend Dean, I was talking to Dean, a childhood friend from junior high, and I brought up my mother, because he brought up my mother, saying that he remembers my mother walking around the kitchen with see-through clothes on.
Marc:Which is true.
Marc:It's true.
Marc:My mother did do that.
Marc:I wasn't happy about it.
Marc:But my mother was like that.
Marc:And I talked about it because he brought up her flirting with my friends.
Marc:And I said, well, I don't know if she fucked any of my friends.
Marc:I should ask her.
Marc:And then I talked to her before the episode dropped, and she's like, I can't wait to hear the second part.
Marc:And I had forgotten that I said that until I listened to the second part.
Marc:I'm like, oh, no.
Marc:And then I get this email.
Marc:As Miss C.A.
Marc:said to Larry King, that was inappropriate.
Marc:Harmless flirting is a far cry from the other thing.
Marc:Just so you know, I never cheated on your father.
Marc:Pretty dumb, huh?
LAUGHTER
Marc:Love, Mom.
Marc:Now, this one I want to read before I bring Marie up because I wasn't sure how to take it.
Marc:It wasn't sent to my website.
Marc:I kind of know this person.
Marc:She's a real lefty and a big fan of the show, and she's very nice.
Marc:But this is like just one of those emails.
Marc:I just could not stop myself.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Hey, Marc Maron.
Marc:Have a kick-ass show tonight.
Marc:Love the other What the Fuck live recording.
Marc:You have definitely found your thing and I wish you piles of success.
Marc:On another odd note, today is the 42nd anniversary of my dad's death in Vietnam.
Marc:Weird, huh?
Marc:If you're ever back in DC, you can check out his name on the wall.
Marc:Okay, hopefully that didn't bring you down.
Marc:Just sending you good vibes your way and reminding you that it's all good.
Marc:I mean, hey, you could be dead.
Marc:Take care, M.M.
Marc:Love, Paige.
Marc:That's one of those ones where you're like, that was nice, right?
Marc:I did bring... Oh, shit, I forgot to bring it out here.
Marc:Maria, when you come out, will you bring the blue bag of the Just Coffee?
Marc:Because I brought presents for everybody.
Marc:Okay, so let's do this.
Marc:My first guest is somebody... I don't know where she comes from, but in my mind, I feel like she was an angel that got bored and was sent here to do the work that she does.
Marc:Please welcome Maria Bamford to this day.
Thank you.
Marc:Did you find it?
Marc:Oh, that's good.
Marc:Well, this one's yours.
Marc:Do you drink coffee?
Marc:I do.
Marc:You do?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:I brought it back for everybody because they're a sponsor.
Guest 10:I shouldn't drink it because I have an anxiety problem.
Marc:Where were you?
Marc:I'm going to get all shy like I get around you now.
Marc:I'm very pretty.
Marc:I know you are.
Guest 10:I'm very attractive.
Marc:I'm going to sit back here so everybody can take you in.
Guest 10:Yeah.
Marc:Where did you just come from?
Guest 10:I rode the bus to my free support group.
Guest 10:And then I got a ride back.
Guest 10:And then I realized, what the fuck?
Guest 10:I got to do this what the fuck show.
Guest 10:And then I drove here.
Guest 10:And anyways, that's what's been happening.
Marc:Do you really ride the bus?
Guest 10:Got a lot of shit going down.
Guest 10:Yeah, man.
Marc:I guess it's a smart thing to do.
Guest 10:Anybody else go metro?
Guest 10:Yeah.
Guest 10:TV.
Guest 10:24-7.
Guest 10:And it's like their own special channel telling you where you can write in.
Guest 10:You can write in for advice.
Marc:On the bus?
Guest 10:To the TV lady on the bus.
Guest 10:And she reads your problems out and says, Ernesto Martinez, you know, you should really let go of that relationship if it's not working out.
Guest 10:So you can get them unsolved on the bus.
Guest 10:Yeah, it's nice.
Guest 10:And then there's a lot of new accoutrement to the bus that, you know, has been happening over the years.
Guest 10:Like that they announce the thing and then they also put it in, you know, your stop.
Guest 10:And they put it in writing on the stop, you know.
Marc:It's exciting.
Marc:It's pretty sweet.
Marc:You were just in Tempe?
Guest 10:I was just in the Tempe airport.
Guest 10:I was fired there eight years ago.
Guest 10:Came back.
Guest 10:Come back.
Guest 10:Was it triumphant?
Guest 10:It was pretty triumphant.
Marc:That's a huge place.
Guest 10:It was pretty big.
Guest 10:They had a nice fudge cake.
Guest 10:Every comedy club has a volcano fudge cake available to... They have nachos and they have a fudge cake.
Guest 10:I am a big fudge cake seller.
Guest 10:Next time you're at a comedy club, check out what you sell, what your audience buys.
Guest 10:It's very interesting.
Marc:You sell fudge cake?
Guest 10:Yeah.
Guest 10:Greg Barrett, mostly a salad and a cocktails man.
LAUGHTER
Guest 10:A lot of people buy that from his crowd.
Marc:That's because he's sort of like a manorexic person.
Marc:Don't you feel that about him?
Marc:I don't know how the hell he keeps in great shape like he does and why he's so svelte and why his clothes are so tight, but I think people watching him would be like, I'm not going to eat.
Marc:I can't eat.
Marc:I just want a salad.
Marc:Look at Greg.
Guest 10:He's a good looking... Yeah, he's very taut.
Marc:Yeah, he is.
Marc:In a weird way.
Marc:It's hard to be taut and in good shape at this age as a man.
Marc:I mean, I don't know that I'm getting older.
Marc:That's one of the reasons why I left New York.
Marc:Because I saw my butcher getting older.
Marc:And I realized if he's getting older, then I must as well.
Guest 10:Do you feel like you're getting older?
Guest 10:Yeah, it's happening.
Marc:Do you feel ageism towards you?
Guest 10:Well, I don't know.
Guest 10:At least I went to the doctor and they asked me if I wanted to get Botox.
Guest 10:And I was like, hmm, the joke is, I don't know.
Guest 3:I mean, do you really think it's time?
Guest 3:I just really like to make facial expression.
Marc:They're great on radio, by the way.
Guest 10:God damn you, podcast.
Guest 10:I've listened to this podcast.
Guest 10:It's very enjoyable.
Marc:Yeah, you're being very enjoyable.
Marc:I'm glad you came.
Marc:It's weird, though.
Marc:I do get kind of nervous around you, and I always have.
Marc:That happens a lot.
Guest 10:You knew me, Mark.
Guest 10:You wouldn't feel nervous around me.
Marc:No, that's probably true.
Marc:But I find, like, I generally connect through anger.
Marc:I find that the best way to connect with somebody immediately is to say, what the fuck?
Marc:And then they're like, what's the problem?
Marc:And then they're open, and you can communicate easily.
Guest 10:Oh, yeah.
Guest 10:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 10:What if they could start to cry, though?
Marc:Then I win.
Guest 10:Yeah.
Marc:i love that game by the way that is a fun game did you know that they're crying at you yeah they're angry too i can take it i almost i almost uh got into a my second fist fight like the first time i didn't get in a fist fight but i almost got into another altercation on an airplane i don't know why this is happening at the airport it's happened twice in a month some guy cut in front of me online and i and i'm not the kind of guy that with strangers
Marc:What the fuck, buddy?
Marc:Why'd you just... But I did it once and it was very exciting and made me feel powerful because the guy was sort of like, I just thought... And I'm like, well, be nice.
Marc:Well, this time, I don't know what the fuck.
Marc:The guy sitting in front of me, you know when you're on a plane and you have your table out and you're working on your computer because now you can be online on American and you can Facebook.
Marc:And the guy kept jiggling to get organized.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And it was like, I was like, okay, he's just getting organized.
Marc:But then it went on for like, you know, a minute and 22 seconds.
Marc:And I said to him, I literally got up, I said, you going to settle down pretty soon or what's up, buddy?
Marc:Like, it came out of my mouth.
Marc:I couldn't fucking believe it.
Marc:I couldn't believe that that's what did it.
Marc:Out of everything in the world, this guy, who annoyed me anyways, because he was a guy that when he got on, he was putting other people's shit in other containers without asking them whether or not it was theirs or whether it was folded.
Marc:So I hated him immediately.
Marc:And then he does this number.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest 10:Trying to help.
Marc:And so he looks at me.
Guest 10:Motherfucker.
Guest 10:Yeah.
Marc:That guy.
Guest 10:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, so he looks at me and goes, I'm not quite done yet.
Marc:I'm going, okay, well, could you finish up soon?
Marc:So then he finishes, and then he sits back down.
Marc:And now I'm very sensitive to it, and he can't sit still, and he keeps bouncing it.
Marc:And I'm like, I'm fucking seething.
Marc:I'm seething.
Marc:And about three hours into the flight, I get up, and I knock his chair, and I walk past.
Marc:And I turn around, and I look at him.
Marc:He's like, what?
Marc:And I'm like, what is right?
Guest 8:Oh!
Marc:And I go into the bathroom, and I'm in the bathroom thinking like, I'm gonna have a fucking fist fight on the planet.
Guest 10:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 10:Did anything go down?
Marc:The same thing went down that always happens when I do this kind of thing.
Guest 10:What happened?
Marc:I walk out, and he looks at me like he's about to cry, and he goes, you know, you could be a little more considerate.
Marc:And I go, you're right, I'm sorry, buddy.
Guest 10:Oh, that's a nice ending, though.
Guest 10:I've been with a person who started fistfights, and it's frightening.
Marc:Like dating a person?
Marc:Yeah, oh, yeah.
Marc:It's frightening.
Marc:It's not fun.
Guest 10:The police come, and the security comes, and you go, oh, they just have an anger management problem.
Guest 10:It's okay.
Guest 10:He's trying to calm himself down inside.
Guest 10:Inside.
Guest 10:And then... Oh, my God.
Guest 10:Yeah, it's not super fun.
Marc:How long did that go on for?
Guest 10:Oh, just a year.
Guest 10:No.
Guest 10:I mean, I think I have a problem with anger, but I do cry at people.
Guest 10:You know, it's like an anger problem, but it's very passive.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 10:So it's all in the down low.
Marc:Or is it?
Guest 10:It's not really.
Guest 10:It's amplified and lit.
Guest 10:What am I talking about?
Guest 10:I'm filled with rage.
Yeah.
Marc:Have you ever just fucking opened up on somebody?
Guest 10:I think I did on the boyfriend.
Guest 10:Yeah, I did.
Marc:I did after one point.
Marc:How was that received?
Guest 10:That was like, what?
Guest 10:What?
Guest 10:God!
Marc:They get very baffled when you yell back at them.
Guest 10:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 10:But then I feel bad because I go, I don't want to do that.
Guest 10:I mean, it's such a waste of, it's just a waste.
Marc:It is.
Guest 10:Nobody to get that angry about anything, really.
Marc:Can I ask you a question about your, because I've been wondering, like when you started, because I remember, I didn't know you when you started.
Marc:I knew you when you just sort of appeared somewhere and I was in a room and I was like, where the fuck did she come from?
Marc:The moon?
Marc:Yeah, that's an honest question.
Guest 10:La Luna.
Guest 10:La Luna.
Marc:How did you start doing it?
Guest 10:I started doing performance art, and I had my shaved head, and was wearing my long floral, you know, moo-moo.
Guest 10:And I was just trying to get people to listen to what's going on, man.
Marc:So you did angry performance?
Guest 10:Yeah, and then I played my violin.
Guest 10:I played Say Something About a Vagina, and then I played my violin.
Guest 10:Like a quick country tune.
Guest 10:Get it?
Guest 10:And that's when I got fired for the improv the first time.
Guest 10:Have you ever had that happen where like the cocktail waitresses and the bartenders and they'll be like, especially, you know, like I was a lot younger and so that, you know, I was a lady coming in and guys like, hey, we don't get a lot of ladies around here.
Guest 10:We'll see you after the show.
Guest 10:And I was like, all right then.
Guest 10:And then I went up and I just bawled.
Guest 10:And they're just like,
Guest 10:Like, nobody wants to talk to you afterwards.
Guest 10:And then I walk back to the comedy condo along the freeway in my high heels.
Guest 10:Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
Guest 10:Because at that point, I wore a lot of high heels.
Guest 10:Because I wanted people to listen to me.
Marc:And then those are always the times where people acknowledge you.
Marc:I hate when you know you don't do well and then you get off stage and people will acknowledge you without complimenting you.
Marc:Hey, I saw you.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 9:Saw that.
Guest 9:Good for you, man.
Guest 9:Good for you.
Guest 9:A lot of people can't do with what it is you're trying to do.
Guest 9:You know.
Guest 9:Good luck with that.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 9:How long you been doing this?
Guest 9:Cool, cool.
Marc:Or how about when they come up after you and they say, that was a great joke, and then they quote a joke that the other guy did.
Marc:Oh, yes.
Marc:And you have to say, that wasn't me.
Marc:The guy you liked better, apparently.
Guest 10:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 10:That was really funny.
Guest 10:Where are you going next?
Oh.
Guest 10:Oh, I'm going to Eastern New Mexico.
Guest 10:Anybody been there?
Marc:Yeah, I grew up in New Mexico.
Guest 10:Really?
Marc:Yeah, not Eastern.
Marc:That's like Texas.
Marc:Why are you going there?
Marc:What the hell is there?
Guest 10:Oh, I'm going to college.
Guest 10:Oh.
Guest 10:Some college students have requested me.
Guest 10:How do they respond to you?
Guest 10:I think the kids who voted for me to be hired are excited.
Guest 10:And then depending on the rest of the student body and their makeup...
Guest 10:We got you.
Guest 10:Nobody else wanted you.
Guest 10:But we got you, man.
Guest 10:Do you want to go to Applebee's?
Marc:It's one of those situations where they just show up with their friends and there's like nine of them and they're very excited.
Guest 10:Kids are all nice.
Marc:I haven't done a college in a long time.
Marc:The last time I did one, I got there and there was nothing set up.
Marc:And they're like, what do you need?
Marc:Chairs, I think would be good.
Marc:Microphone.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Guest 3:Oh, yeah.
Guest 3:That's so sweet.
Guest 3:Oh, we forgot to get you a hotel.
Marc:You can sleep in the dorm room.
Guest 10:Oh, we're having a party.
Guest 10:My friend.
Guest 10:You guys, we should have gotten this organized.
Guest 10:They all look, this is real nice.
Guest 10:But most of them, they're more organized than I would ever be.
Guest 10:But last I went to Erie, Pennsylvania, which I think they were mistaken in hiring me.
Guest 10:I don't understand why they asked me out there, because they were mad.
Guest 10:The club owner's wife.
Guest 10:People are walking out and they're saying like, oh, I don't get it.
Guest 10:And I don't know what she's trying to do.
Guest 10:And that's what they're saying.
Guest 10:I'm like, yeah, I don't need to hear this.
Guest 10:Tears.
Guest 10:Tears are starting to run on my face.
Guest 10:You see those?
Guest 10:Yeah.
Guest 10:1030 show is going to be rough.
Guest 5:Maria Bamford, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming.
Guest 10:Thank you for having me.
Marc:Yeah, you get to scoot down.
Marc:And right now, let's bring out I think that he's always got a million things going on.
Marc:The Nerdist.com is one.
Marc:WebSoup's another one.
Marc:And his father is a professional bowler.
Marc:Chris Hardwick, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Here.
Marc:You don't have to sit so far away, Maria.
Marc:You can sit closer.
Guest 10:This feels good.
Guest 10:This feels symmetrical, right?
Guest 10:No, it's good.
Guest 6:There's balance.
Guest 10:Like a nice shelf if we're going to decorate a shelf.
Guest 6:It's actually asymmetrical because we're two and you're one.
Guest 6:So you would have to put another person there.
Guest 6:Mr. Math Guy ruins the party.
Guest 6:Just so you can start like, just so the OCD can like, I need a person here to balance out the mirror of the sides.
Guest 6:I got you coffee too, Chris.
Guest 6:I appreciate that.
Guest 6:Thank you.
Marc:Not this one.
Marc:There's a big bag of them back there.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:I brought it out.
Marc:Do you want me to bring it out for you?
Marc:I just, I put it right there.
Marc:No, it's okay.
Marc:They're just a sponsor.
Marc:It's so funny, though.
Marc:Like, people hear me.
Marc:But it's like justcoffee.coop, and you can get that stuff at wtfpod.com.
Marc:But the weird thing is, is that it's not like he gives me a lot of money, but he gives me a lot of coffee.
Marc:And there's just a good hippie co-op up in Madison, Wisconsin.
Guest 10:Do they get a lot of flavors?
Marc:Yeah, they got nothing like weird or like vanilla or hazelnut, but they got a lot of roasts.
Marc:Oh, that is weird.
Marc:Oh.
Guest 8:Vanilla is fucked up.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:Who the fuck puts that in coffee?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Some people do.
Marc:So, dude, I did some research on you because I wanted to make sure I had things to hurt you with when you came out.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:No, I don't.
Marc:That's the old mark.
Guest 6:That was the old mark.
Guest 6:You know, I'm so glad that... We're friends now, right?
Guest 6:I would say we're friends now.
Marc:I mean, we don't hang out all the time, but we're pals.
Marc:I like when people follow a definitive statement with the question.
Marc:My mother did that.
Marc:Like, I...
Marc:Like, I would come home, and I'd get a B on a paper.
Marc:She goes, that's good, right?
Marc:I mean, right?
Marc:Just looking for you to sort of fill in the... Yeah, to parent myself, because she didn't want the responsibility.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:But no, this is different.
Marc:Yes, we are friends, right?
Guest 6:We are friends now.
Marc:We've had some tough times.
Guest 6:We had some tough times.
Guest 6:I remember in the beginning... Here it comes.
Guest 6:Well, you said bring on a WTF moment, and this is... You are the... This happens all the time on the show.
Marc:This is where you say something, and I apologize.
Guest 6:but you don't have to apologize for it because I might not you don't have to because honestly at the time I was really douchey and I probably deserved what you said but we were doing a show at Luna Lounge in New York and I did some bit about I don't know I was just shitting on some other comics or something and then you laid into me after the show
Guest 6:And the next couple times I saw you, I kept trying to be your friend.
Guest 6:I was like, well, this guy doesn't like me.
Guest 6:I've got to make him like me.
Guest 6:Like a little puppy.
Guest 6:Yeah, exactly.
Guest 6:Just like a little puppy.
Guest 6:Kick.
Guest 6:Okay, I'm coming back.
Guest 6:Kick.
Guest 6:Bound, bound, bound.
Guest 6:Slobber.
Guest 6:And you finally said something to me like, it is amazing to me that you are not deterred by my constant rejection of you.
Okay.
Guest 6:But my favorite thing about you is that you would have a one-two punch, but the second punch was into your own face.
Guest 6:So you would say something like that, and you'd follow up with, I just say that because I'm insecure and I have difficulty communicating with people.
Guest 6:And you're like, I don't know how to feel now.
Guest 6:I don't know how to feel.
Guest 6:I take it away.
Guest 6:Yeah, I take it away.
Guest 6:You just fucking yanked the anger carpet from underneath me.
Guest 6:Yeah, fuck you.
Guest 6:I'm going to kick my own ass.
Marc:What?
Marc:What?
Marc:I'm hurt-ish?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, I think it was tense because, you know, I apologize for that.
Marc:Oh, you don't have to.
Marc:But I think it was character building.
Marc:I think I was helping you out.
Guest 6:I was a sloppy drunk at the time.
Marc:You were sloppy and sweaty and fatter.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 6:And you were sober.
Guest 6:Was I then?
Guest 6:You were sober then, I think.
Guest 6:And so I was just...
Guest 6:I probably represented like just a ball, a concentrated ball of a lot of stuff.
Marc:Well, I think honestly, if we're going to talk honest, which I like to do on this show, is when you first started at Luna, when we were doing that alternative comedy thing in New York, you, in my mind, you'd already had a great deal of success with the MTV stuff.
Guest 6:A little bit, yeah.
Marc:And in my mind, it was like, this guy's not a comic.
Marc:He's a guy on television.
Marc:And so I decided that there were standards that somehow you were not part of.
Marc:And how dare somebody who has a career come in my little den of bitterness and fuck everything up.
Marc:That was my thinking.
Guest 6:Especially coming off the MTV fraternity of boners show that I hosted.
Guest 6:That's probably...
Marc:See, I should have looked at it differently.
Marc:I'm like, that guy's got to be hurting.
Marc:How could he put himself through that?
Guest 10:Well, I mean, that show was... Was that show called Fraternity of Boners?
Guest 6:Well, it should have been called that.
Guest 8:It was called Singled Out.
Guest 6:It was.
Guest 6:That was a delightful program.
Marc:Oh, I thought you were talking about a different show.
Marc:No, no, no.
Guest 6:I've hosted several iterations of fraternity of voters.
Guest 6:And then I feel like we had a nice breakthrough when I got sober like six years ago or six and a half years ago or whatever.
Guest 6:I was there for you.
Guest 6:And you really were.
Guest 6:You were like the one.
Guest 6:Actually, you too.
Guest 9:What?
Guest 6:Bamford.
Bamford.
Guest 6:This is what we're covering alcoholics do.
Guest 6:They make everything about themselves.
Guest 6:This is a whole show.
Guest 6:Yeah, you did too.
Guest 6:You were right around the time of coaching.
Guest 7:You called me and you were like, Chris, it's Maria.
Guest 7:I don't know if this is out of bounds, but do you think maybe you drink a little much?
Guest 7:I just want to make sure you're okay.
Guest 7:It was so sweet.
Guest 10:I was worried because I was a troubled teen and nobody said shit about it.
Guest 10:Nobody said like, and then I went back to high school and they're like, yeah, you were fucked up.
Guest 10:And I was just like, could anybody have said anything?
Guest 10:So like, if somebody's worried, then I always try to say something.
Guest 10:So at least before they kick the bucket, it's like, oh, I said something.
Guest 10:You know, which is terrible.
Marc:Yeah, I tried to help out.
Marc:I threw him a line.
Marc:Well, you were a weird drunk because you got overly friendly and you got really self-pitying.
Marc:And you were the guy that would be like, you know, after everyone has left the party, you'd still be like, where's everybody going?
Guest 6:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 6:Yeah, absolutely.
Guest 6:The party's still right here.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:The party's still right here.
Marc:You'd sort of like make the rounds.
Marc:Alcohol's a depressant.
Guest 8:Yeah, as if... It's a depressant, yes.
Marc:And you sleep on couches, but it's good that you... And then all of a sudden, then you got... Then you stopped drinking, and then you got emaciated.
Marc:And then I started to resent you again.
Marc:I'm like, how are you fucking losing all the weight?
Marc:And you're like, I'm just running 19 miles a day, twice a day.
Guest 6:Part of it is not drinking.
Guest 6:Well, first of all, apparently our bodies are not evolved to process 20 beers a day.
Guest 6:That's first of all.
Guest 6:So then on top of those 35,000 calories, you're not calling Damiano's pizza at 3 in the morning and eating pizza and then waking up in a pizza box with crusted cheese to the side of your face.
Marc:Do people know that you come from a bowling family?
Marc:I think they do now.
Marc:Is that something that's out?
Marc:I went bowling with him once.
Marc:And you know how most people who are like, you know, I'm pretty good.
Marc:That just means I do it maybe once every five years.
Marc:And for about six throws of the ball, I fucking ace it.
Marc:And then I get frustrated and just fuck it up for the rest of the way.
Marc:Well, that's when you get in your head.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 10:Chris has his own ball.
Marc:He's got his own ball.
Guest 6:I'm not fun to bowl with.
Guest 6:I have several.
Guest 6:I'm not fun to bowl with.
Marc:But you're like, I...
Marc:I had no idea.
Marc:Like, he shows up at this party, and it's like he does the whole thing, like the... You know, and the ball just, like, literally goes up onto the top of the rudder and then comes back and gets a strike.
Guest 6:Yeah, I have these, like, white, handmade shoes.
Guest 6:I'm a fucking... I'm a bowling faggot.
Guest 6:Like, I am not... Like, it's...
Guest 6:I'm so not fun to bowl when people are like, let's go bowling.
Guest 6:I'm like, you don't want that.
Guest 6:I'm telling you, you don't want that.
Marc:So let's go back to little Chris Hardwick before the alcohol and the need for attention.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Marc:I think that's always been there.
Marc:Your dad's a professional bowler.
Marc:My dad's a professional bowler.
Marc:So how did that play out?
Marc:Come on, son.
Marc:Let's go to the lanes.
Marc:I want to embarrass you.
Guest 6:Well, it played out by, you know, my dad was on the PBA, and so we toured through the 70s.
Guest 6:You did a bowling tour?
Guest 6:Oh, my dad, yeah, we were on tour.
Guest 6:So, like, what is that like?
Guest 6:Is there a bus?
Guest 6:No, no, no.
Guest 6:Like a bunch of guys talking balls?
Guest 6:We're just driving around in my dad's Cadillac and just fucking, like, going to bowling towns like Akron, Ohio.
Guest 6:Yeah.
Guest 6:You know, like when I go when I like when I walk into a bowling center and I smell that chemical smell from the lanes, I get sleepy because like that's my that's my like the radio next to the baby carriage.
Guest 6:That's that for me.
Guest 6:And I'm like, oh, I feel so at home because I just fucking I grew up in bowling centers.
Marc:But was your dad sort of like, son, can I have my towel, my glove, that kind of stuff?
Guest 6:Oh, I don't think I was his – I mean, I wasn't his, like, ball boy.
Guest 6:I just – but I bowled from the time I could walk.
Guest 6:I was in bowling centers.
Marc:Does he still bowl?
Guest 6:No, no, no.
Guest 6:My dad, he quit.
Guest 6:He retired, you know, decades ago.
Guest 6:But he won't pick up a ball now at all.
Marc:Like, when he sees one, he's like, fuck, Dad.
Guest 6:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 6:Because in his mind, he says, my dad's one of these guys that everything that comes out of his mouth is a fucking bumper sticker that you could sell on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Guest 6:Because he... Like, when Blue Collar came out, he was like, oh, you got... Because I'm from the South.
Guest 6:He goes, hey, you got to get this Blue Collar Comedy thing.
Guest 6:I mean...
Guest 6:you're from the south you would appreciate it like really you don't know me at all apparently but he um uh he says the longer i don't the longer i don't bowl the better i was so in other words like people remember him as being better the longer he doesn't do it and he doesn't want to destroy that image by picking up a ball at 67 years old and being like shank so uh he just doesn't do it did he ever enjoy boiling or is he like andre gossy who hated the sport
Guest 10:From day one.
Guest 6:He was forced to bowl.
Guest 6:I'd never judged my dad on the Agassi scale before, but I guess it was just very intense for him.
Guest 6:Like, you couldn't talk to him.
Guest 6:He would just go into this weird... The bowling zone?
Guest 6:Bowling zone, exactly, is the only word for it.
Guest 6:So you couldn't talk to him.
Guest 10:Did he bowl ever since he was a little kid?
Guest 10:Like, was it bowling family?
Guest 6:I think it was a way to get out of the house because he hated his dad.
Guest 6:And so he would go out and work at the bowling center and then bowl.
Guest 6:Interesting.
Guest 6:And then he fucking left.
Guest 6:Then he got out of there.
Guest 6:I'm feeling that.
Marc:You feeling me a little bit?
Marc:It's weird how things are generational, isn't it, Chris?
Guest 6:It's very interesting how that just spills over when it overflows.
Marc:We happen to have your dad right here.
Guest 6:Holy shit!
Guest 9:We're going to stop the cycle tonight.
Guest 9:With something.
Marc:That would be awesome.
Marc:Should we bring out Whitney?
Marc:Do you want to tell a bomb story?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Oh, I've got some really fun bomb stories.
Marc:Because I'm going to read an email.
Marc:A woman has a question.
Marc:Let's do it now.
Marc:Oh, this is the one from the English guy trying to compliment me.
Marc:You ever heard of a British person who tried to compliment you?
Marc:Let me hear.
Marc:I'd never heard of you before I stumbled across your podcast on iTunes while trying to kill a few hours one day.
Marc:I hadn't heard of any of the people you have interviewed so far, and if I was honest, I have no real intention of learning about them.
Guest 6:But phrased as a hypothetical, if I were honest, I'm not really being... I was going to say you were a cunt, but I'm not going to say that.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:So then he goes on to say, I don't listen to your podcast for the topic on hand.
Marc:I'm not sure I even find it funny.
Marc:I've certainly been through a whole episode without even so much as a smirk.
Marc:Looking for it, looking for it, wait for it.
Marc:And I even find your opening music slash intro annoying.
Guest 6:Well, that's every element deconstructed so far.
Marc:And then he listened to the other live show.
Marc:He goes, but there's something about your podcast that compels me.
Marc:And I couldn't work it out until you did that one cast in a live setting.
Marc:I didn't like that.
Marc:It seemed your guests were guilty of twisting their answers for a crowd reaction.
Marc:Even their tone of voice seemed strained for comedic purposes.
Marc:What do you mean?
Guest 3:I have no idea what he's talking about.
Guest 8:I want to be funny.
Marc:I want to make people laugh.
Marc:What makes me want to listen to your show is my perverse pleasure of listening to other people's conversation.
Marc:There's something in your method that makes me forget that I'm listening to something other people are also listening to.
Marc:I even get the feeling that you and your guests sometimes forget that you are recording.
Marc:And here's a compliment.
Marc:Here's what we were waiting for.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I like that.
Guest 6:It's real.
Guest 6:Some people feel like they're not really being honest unless they shit on you first.
Marc:He's from Britain.
Marc:It's Dan in the United Kingdom.
Marc:And I have nothing against British people.
Marc:I have a lot of people that listen in Britain.
Marc:But sometimes in my experience with talking to British folks, if they want to compliment, it's going to be a long way around.
Marc:And you're going to have to take hundreds of years of imperialism to...
Marc:To actually get to the compliment.
Marc:But here's one I want to talk about before I bring in to set up this other part.
Marc:This is kind of good.
Marc:Had a what the fuck moment that I thought I'd ask you about.
Marc:The other night I found myself at an awkward art performance type event.
Marc:There was some spoken word, a painful song slash poetry slash sexuality exploration situation and some interpretive dance.
Marc:She got all points.
Marc:They were all pretty typical and meant to lead up to the final multimedia performance about war and death, which was actually pretty powerful.
Marc:I thought this was the finale.
Marc:I think we all did.
Marc:Unfortunately, after the curtain lifted and the applause died, the moderator announced a final performance.
Marc:The introduction was something like, this is so-and-so, she likes comedy and reading, she's 45 and lives in the suburbs with her husband, and an overindulged cat snuggles, big warm welcome.
Marc:This nervous, awkward woman went on stage after a 10-minute depiction of genocide to tell 20 minutes of stories about her aunt's changing hair color and the fact that her husband owns too many guitar amps.
Marc:She bombed.
Marc:So much that people only knew to laugh when she would pause, look down, and nervously laugh at herself.
Marc:What made it worse was that I laughed twice at the completely wrong times when I realized her joke was just a memory of childhood emotional abuse.
LAUGHTER
Marc:What is it about someone bombing in comedy that hurts so bad?
Marc:I can look at bad art, listen to bad music, read bad writing, but with comedy, I feel so bad for the person.
Guest 6:Maybe her performance was actually a meta allegory for the war.
Marc:That's right, maybe this woman misunderstood.
Marc:Like, I don't usually hear that, like, because I know I have felt when people feel this way.
Guest 10:I think it's magnificent.
Guest 10:It's freedom.
Guest 10:It's like you're watching something really happen.
Guest 10:You know, it's like, this is going down.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Marc:It's like being able to cut yourself on the inside.
Marc:Have you had that feeling, though, when you're on stage and you're performing and you know that you're not going to get them?
Yeah, no.
Marc:And that there's nothing inside of you that you could do to get them.
Marc:So you've had two choices.
Marc:Sometimes I'll just lift out of my body and I'll go to the ceiling and I'll go, good luck, see you backstage.
Marc:Sorry, I can't hang for this.
Marc:Or I just lash out at them.
Marc:When was the last time you bombed bad?
Guest 6:I performed at Largo, and I was not doing comedy yet, but I was on the MTV show, and I thought I understood alternative comedy, as I had been watching it for many years.
Guest 6:So I bring a notebook on stage and a bunch of half-cocked ideas, no punchlines.
Guest 6:I think it's going to be fucking rad.
Guest 6:And fucking rad was kind of the attitude that I had at the time.
Marc:So you were cocky and bombing.
Guest 6:I was cocky and like, oh, this is going to be fucking sweet.
Guest 6:I got this drilled down.
Guest 6:I've been watching this for years.
Guest 6:I know how you do it, David Cross.
Guest 6:And it turned out everyone else was showcasing for Aspen that year.
Guest 6:It was like Greg Barrett.
Guest 6:It was like 97.
Guest 6:And fucking tanked.
Guest 6:Tanked in front of a ton of comics that I loved.
Guest 6:so like those two and I didn't do comedy again until 1999 after that and that's that's when I started doing comedy for reals was in 99 so it was that bad in 97 so I just I feel like I always felt like you know when I went back and did okay I always felt like I really had conquered a major fucking well good for you for taking a few years off oh yeah I took a few years off I can't believe the only reason I started comedy again is I was so drunk I'm like how can I do this again
Guest 6:I'm going to ace this thing.
Marc:Fuck it.
Marc:Chris Hardwick, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I can't wait to have this next woman on.
Marc:She's in the middle of a rocket launch to stardom.
Marc:She's very funny.
Marc:I worked with her in San Diego once, and we jogged together.
Marc:Please welcome Whitney Cummings to the stage.
Marc:Grab a mic.
Marc:Yeah, that's it.
Marc:How are you?
Guest 3:What's the word?
Guest 3:We did go to San Diego together.
Guest 3:Yes, we did.
Guest 3:In a pretty serious way.
Marc:Yeah, and I was in the middle of a divorce, and I was heartbroken, and I'm like, I was married to a pretty comic.
Marc:What are you doing?
What?
Marc:I think was the way it went.
Guest 3:You're emotionally unavailable.
Marc:Let's do this.
Guest 3:Exactly.
Marc:That's literally what happened.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:The best thing about Mark trying to make him... I love these stories.
Guest 3:Whatever.
Guest 3:I don't know what you were trying to do.
Guest 3:I think you were just kind of... I don't think you wanted to fuck me.
Guest 3:I think you just wanted to have a serious relationship with me.
Marc:For that weekend.
Guest 3:Like right off the bat.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:It wasn't like, let's just fuck.
Guest 3:He's like, I want to get serious and be abusive right now.
Guest 3:and he would and I was dating somebody at the time and he wasn't even like hey like it wasn't like it was like he's like look here's the deal like you would pitch yourself yeah like you said you're like you're dating someone but you know what I because I was like eating really healthy you're like I can cook brown rice
Guest 3:I make quinoa at home.
Guest 3:Like you were pitching all the things you could cook.
Marc:Got cats.
Marc:Yeah, I was ready.
Marc:Have my own yoga mat.
Marc:I was on it.
Guest 3:And it was really working.
Guest 3:I was like, oh, that would save me a lot of time.
Marc:What you don't know...
Guest 3:I should probably go for this.
Marc:It was working?
Guest 3:It was working, totally working.
Guest 3:And then, but luckily I'm dead inside enough to have resisted.
Marc:I remember, you want to hear something pathetic, though, at that time?
Marc:This is a while ago, so let's not judge.
Guest 3:You had sex with me while I was asleep?
Marc:No, you wouldn't know that.
Marc:You'd be surprised.
Marc:But you only... I don't... Am I going to tell you this?
Marc:You had only told me your boyfriend's first name and while you were out doing something, I fucking Googled him.
Marc:Like, I Googled, like, you know, Whitney Cummings, Nick, and... Did something happen?
Guest 3:Huh?
Guest 3:He's not... I mean... No, I know.
Guest 3:Did I even come up on Google?
Guest 3:I mean, what even happened?
Marc:I found him.
Guest 3:Did you really?
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Is that true?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, and I judged him.
Guest 3:I don't...
Marc:I sat there with his picture on my laptop going, so you're the guy?
Marc:What do you do?
Guest 3:He's a fan of yours, which is funny.
Guest 3:He's a fan?
Guest 3:He's a big fan of yours, yeah.
Marc:He can't be all bad, that guy.
Marc:I've tried over and over again to inappropriately have sex with you, and you will not do it.
Guest 3:It's true.
Guest 3:Were you opening for him when he was trying to... Yeah, this was, what, two years ago?
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Yeah, in Dallas, La Jolla.
Marc:And she kicked ass.
Marc:I didn't even know, I'd never seen her before, and she was just like, you know, funny as shit.
Marc:And then we get off stage, and I'm like, you know, you're exactly what I need.
Marc:You seem funny.
Guest 3:You hate men.
Guest 6:Every woman loves that opening line.
Guest 6:You're exactly what I need.
Guest 6:Hi, I'm Kate.
Guest 6:Like, you know.
Guest 3:And by the way, this is the weekend that
Guest 3:you did like a four hour set yeah and like two hours in you were like you guys can leave if you want which is a special kind of self-hatred i mean that's a special kind of uh well it's like i get to a point sometimes when i know i'm gonna do that and i just i realize this is how you sit on stage you do that exact thing you're like ah like you hate you're just like you guys can fucking leave if you want this is why i wanted them it's not even about jokes
Marc:Yeah, I wanted the hardcore people that knew that the entertainment quality would change at that point.
Marc:That it was not necessarily going to be like, this is fun.
Marc:It was going to be like, this guy... It's becoming more of a sweat lodge.
Yes, exactly.
Guest 5:We're going in.
Guest 5:We're going in.
Guest 5:I'm starting to hallucinate, man.
Guest 5:Fuck.
Guest 3:But it was also funny because that weekend, I think for some reason you can learn a lot about a person when you exercise with them.
Guest 3:And we went for a jog.
Guest 3:And not only did you... I really was turning it on, wasn't I?
Guest 3:No, but it's not like you were jogging.
Guest 3:It's not like you were running from something.
Yeah.
Guest 3:Not just running.
Guest 3:There were some demons that you had to get away from on that pier.
Marc:Isn't that how everyone jogs?
Guest 3:Not at all.
Guest 3:I was just like, go ahead, I'm good.
Guest 3:I'm just going to lay back.
Guest 3:You had the fucking eye of the tiger, and it was dark.
Marc:I was running away from me.
Marc:That's what it was.
Guest 3:You could not get away from yourself.
Guest 3:You could not outrun yourself.
Guest 3:And it was really sad to watch.
Guest 6:He might have also, just as a male of the species, been trying to prove to you, I am of good stock.
Guest 6:And have excellent genes.
Marc:That's hard to sell after she's seen the act.
Marc:That's something you might do if you meet at the gym.
Marc:But after two days of watching me perform, there's no way.
Marc:If my genetic agenda is to propel bipolarity and drug addiction into future generations, then I am of good stock.
Marc:I have some just coffee, but you don't even drink coffee.
Guest 3:Have you quitted coffee?
Guest 3:Because you either are super addicted or don't drink it at all.
Guest 3:One of the two.
Marc:No, I'm doing everything I can do that's within the parameters of my sobriety right now.
Marc:Which means I have nicotine gum in.
Marc:I have Swedish snooze in my pocket.
Marc:I had drank three or four cups of coffee today.
Marc:And I haven't masturbated yet, but I've got to save something.
Guest 3:That's going to be an awesome one, yeah.
Marc:Big night.
Marc:Big night.
Guest 3:Yeah, that was a special weekend.
Marc:So what are you saying that?
Marc:Do you have a chance?
Guest 3:Do I do what?
Marc:Do I do have a chance with you?
Guest 3:Oh, uh...
Guest 3:All right, all right.
Guest 3:I don't think that comics should date comics.
Guest 3:Do you guys agree with me?
Guest 3:I don't think comics should date comics.
Marc:I can definitely vouch for that one.
Marc:My experience with dating comics cost me $200,000.
Guest 3:Aside, though, from the, like, because I feel like everybody can be needy.
Guest 3:Even not comedians can be needy.
Guest 3:You know what I mean?
Guest 3:But I think it's more the structure of our lives are kind of... And then also the weird jealousies.
Guest 3:Like, hey, you got booked at Funny Bone?
Guest 3:Like...
Guest 6:The narcissism and the attention thing, I just feel like sometimes that can be a deadly mixture.
Marc:It's weird because I don't have those.
Guest 10:I've done internet dating before and some people have on their profiles no comics.
Guest 10:All it takes is one.
Guest 6:Then you date a non-performer.
Guest 6:It's like getting shingles.
Guest 6:You're like, one fucking time is enough.
Guest 3:It's enough.
Guest 6:It sticks with you forever.
Guest 6:But then you date a non-performer and then it's weird.
Marc:When you date a non-performer?
Guest 6:Yeah.
Guest 6:Because they don't understand.
Marc:They don't understand how selfish and crazy you are?
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:Right out of the gate?
Marc:Right out of the fucking gate.
Marc:You'll say cock at breakfast and that kind of stuff?
Marc:In front of their parents?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:When everybody looks shocked, you're like, what?
Guest 6:Other families don't express ironic racism at Thanksgiving?
Guest 6:But it's also...
Guest 3:But it's also hard because comics are just... So if you date a non-performer, you're hilarious.
Guest 3:You know what I'm saying?
Guest 3:But if I date another comic, I'm just bombing all the time.
Guest 3:You know what I mean?
Guest 3:Like, I don't need to bomb at noon.
Marc:Yeah, you don't want to have that thing where it's like, oh, yeah, good one.
Guest 3:Yeah, like, are you doing a bit?
Guest 3:Are you doing a bit?
Guest 6:The worst words you've never... Oh, fuck, yeah, I am.
Guest 6:I've never felt more naked.
Guest 6:It's like...
Guest 3:It's like, no, I'm proposing.
Guest 3:Is this a bit?
Guest 3:Everything's a bit.
Marc:I've never felt more naked.
Guest 3:That's a problem.
Marc:Yeah, it is a problem.
Guest 3:If I date a comic, I'd always think they were doing a bit or trying out a bit or going to talk about my vagina on stage or something.
Marc:Well, that's the best part about dating a comic.
Guest 3:Really?
Marc:Yeah, it's sitting in the audience and they say some heinous joke and then you have to have that conversation.
Guest 3:And then you're like, is that about me?
Guest 3:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, but it's never followed by that.
Marc:It's always followed by like, how the fuck can you say that?
Marc:Why would you say that up there?
Marc:And I'd say, because it's hilarious, honey.
Marc:And she would say, but I'm in the room.
Marc:I'm like, oh, come on.
Marc:You're a fucking comic.
Guest 3:You were telling some pretty funny shit after your divorce.
Marc:So where are you going?
Marc:Where am I going?
Guest 3:I don't know.
Guest 3:I've been on the road a lot.
Guest 3:Oh, by the way, I'm kind of obsessed with you.
Guest 3:You talked about things that people say to you offstage.
Guest 3:And my favorite are the backhanded compliments.
Guest 3:We've talked about this.
Guest 3:hey, you really look like you were having fun up there.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 6:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 3:I liked it.
Guest 6:Oh, that's the worst one.
Guest 6:Yeah, fuck these other people.
Guest 6:Oh, that's the worst one.
Guest 3:No, no, this is the best one.
Guest 3:Hey, you were too smart for them.
Guest 3:The way changes went right over there.
Marc:I can't believe I was the only one laughing in my group.
Guest 3:I know.
Guest 6:Did you ever have another comment come up to you afterwards that they didn't have a good set and they're like, we gave it a shot, buddy.
Guest 6:And you're like, what?
Guest 6:Don't drag me into your shit.
Yeah.
Guest 3:They were tired.
Guest 6:You are so brave.
Guest 6:You're so brave.
Guest 3:Wait, I could never do that.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, that's a good one.
Marc:I hate when I have a good set and people are like, tough crowd.
Marc:It's like, what?
Marc:What are you talking about?
Marc:It went really well.
Marc:Oh, not what I was saying.
Guest 3:We were talking about this once and you...
Guest 3:You said that you had someone come, because when you first start, you invite everyone when you're just fucking eating shit, and then you finally get good and no one ever sees you.
Guest 3:And I remember you were talking about how someone came up to you when you were younger and was like, after a show, was like, so why comedy?
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:That guy was, oh, God.
Guest 3:It's not like I'd like to see you in pain, but that made me fucking... Yeah, and he was being earnest about it.
Marc:I just didn't want these sets because back then I was sort of like, what the fuck?
Marc:And the guy was really like, seriously, why comedy?
Marc:And that's one of those ones where it's so precise that there's nothing you can say.
Marc:Hey!
Guest 3:Fucking awful.
Guest 3:Because I love it?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I'm going to, we've got to get Doug out here.
Marc:I'm running late.
Guest 3:You good?
Guest 3:Are you good?
Guest 3:Yeah, no.
Marc:Benson, Doug Benson, Marijuana Lodge.
Marc:I love movies.
Marc:The world's best stoner.
Marc:I feel like now I'm going to have angry people backstage waiting to do their show.
Marc:Doug, I've known you for a long time.
Guest 2:Yes, sir.
Guest 2:This is fun for me because it's like all my friends.
Guest 2:There's no people that I'm not cool with.
Guest 2:I have some presents for you backstage, though, Whitney.
Marc:I swear to God, if you fuck him over me... There's no way I will let her fuck me over you.
Guest 2:That's probably the only kind of porn I don't like is when there's a dude in one hole and another dude in the other hole.
Guest 2:Because those two dudes, they should be at least talking about fantasy football or something.
Guest 2:Because it's too gay to be like...
Guest 2:It's a situation that comes together.
Guest 2:You've got to be in just the right position, but it's called double penetration.
Guest 2:She's not comfortable, Maria.
Guest 8:Okay, okay.
Guest 8:She's got her work cut out for her.
Guest 8:She's not there for her own pleasure at that point.
Marc:Jesus.
Guest 8:At the same...
Marc:Yeah, these aren't natural poses.
Guest 10:Are you still trying to figure it out, Maria?
Guest 10:I was, you know, thinking about it.
Guest 10:I saw one how-to video by Nina Hartley, how she told you how to give a...
Guest 5:You got some support over there.
Guest 5:Really?
Guest 8:A fist pump?
Marc:Oh, he did that in one of her movies.
Marc:Looks like somebody learned something.
Guest 10:I thought it would be like, yeah, like a how-to thing, how to give fellation.
Guest 10:I was like, I would like to learn.
Guest 10:I have a love of learning.
Guest 3:I'm out of work right now.
Guest 3:I like carrots.
Yeah.
Guest 3:I need a job.
Guest 10:I thought it'd be more like, yeah, like steps and whatever.
Guest 10:But what she did is she was kind of like in a, like sort of a, you know, unheated garage or whatever.
Guest 10:And then her friend comes over and she's got, she's got a doctor's coat on, which is the teaching part.
Guest 6:And she just looks like used gym equipment.
What?
Guest 10:Well, then she goes, yeah, this is my friend Brad.
Guest 10:He just came by.
Guest 10:It's a real person?
Guest 10:Yeah, it's this guy.
Guest 10:Well, I mean, he's got long hair, and he looks like Fabio.
Guest 10:No, he's not real.
Guest 10:And then she just starts, I mean, it's professional.
Guest 10:It's like, come on.
Guest 10:Seriously, she can't breathe very well, but she's breathing because she has crazy gills, porn gills.
Guest 8:Porn gills.
Guest 8:She's going through her like...
Guest 6:They can actually breathe out of their ears, the good ones.
Guest 6:One of those mega vampires from Blade II where the mouth just separates at the chin.
Guest 2:I don't think there's any coincidence that it seems like a lot of porn stars smoke weed.
Guest 2:I mean, the women.
Guest 2:And I think that has a lot to do with, you know, one, needing to feel like you're not where you are at any point.
Guest 2:at any given point in your life.
Guest 2:And then also, you know, on top of that, you know, it's just, it's probably good for, you know, you build up your, yeah, various things in the lung and neck.
Guest 2:Say the words.
Guest 2:The neck and the esophagus.
Guest 2:What?
Guest 2:I'm just saying, if you could take a big bong rip, you could probably also take a giant black dong.
Guest 2:That's why they rhyme, bong and dong.
Guest 2:That is the only reason those two things rhyme.
Marc:I feel like I should step in somehow.
Marc:So, Doug, let's talk about pot.
Guest 2:Oh, okay.
Guest 2:That never comes up in interviews with me.
Guest 2:It's so funny too cuz like at the end of all of my live shows I like to say you know what if I not talked about that you guys like to hear me talk about in case there's anything that somebody yells out that leads to something and You know I have a lot of jokes about weed in my act and when I say at the very end of the act What do you guys want me to talk about invariably somebody yell out weed?
Guest 2:Like I hadn't mentioned it and I they just can't get enough of it And so you know then I talk about weed some more there is something
Marc:The weird thing is, I've known you.
Marc:I give the people what they want.
Marc:Like, I've known you for like, you know, it's not like we're really good friends, but we've been in the same circle for what, like 20 years?
Marc:And there is still a time...
Marc:We meet once a week in the same circle.
Marc:Do you remember when you were living at that fucked up house in the valley with Aukerman and Dave Rath and you guys used to ride the bikes?
Marc:Did you live there?
Guest 2:This is so great that my memory of this is going to be more accurate than yours.
Guest 2:You've been chewing nicotine gum for the last five years and I've been in a pot haze and I still know that it was Dave Rath and Brian Posehn lived together.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:As lovers, not as roommates.
Guest 2:And they had a pool that some of us would sometimes ride a bike into, jackass style.
Guest 2:Because you haven't lived until you've ridden a bike into a pool.
Guest 2:Because it looks like, oh, I'm just falling into water.
Guest 2:But guess what?
Guest 2:There's a bike that's going to hit you in the face.
Guest 2:because the bike and the water aren't going to agree to you know it doesn't agree that it's going to sink immediately there's that moment where you get handlebar face yeah yeah yeah and then you're at the bottom of the pool and everyone's like this is a fucked up party this went bad i have another friend tall john he's like six foot ten and he his big thing every year at new year's eve when we were at brian and dave's place was the roof was kind of close to the pool
Guest 2:So every year on New Year's Eve at midnight, he'd put on a diaper and jump off the roof into the pool.
Guest 2:That was pretty awesome.
Marc:I just remember like there's just like you've got some fucking great timing because I still remember like just an improvised joke that you find.
Marc:It's so weird the things that stick in your head.
Marc:Everyone was over there.
Marc:I was over there with Tom Rhodes and you were mixing margaritas and everybody was high and everything was like sort of a haze and I just remember sitting in the living room and you were in the kitchen and
Marc:like about to make margaritas and you turn the blender on you went oh my hand and it was the funniest thing i'd ever heard in my life at that moment yeah and it doesn't it's funny how it doesn't translate every time you tell that story nobody finds it as funny as as you did when it happened have i told it before i yeah i every time i see you that story comes up
Guest 2:I swear, you're a bigger stoner than I am.
Guest 2:We're a couple of phonies.
Marc:It's just one of those things.
Guest 2:It's a compliment, though.
Guest 2:I like that you enjoyed when that happened.
Marc:I don't know any of your other material.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:No, you've never come into the room and watched my act while I was on stage.
Guest 2:You just enjoy me when I'm in an adjacent kitchen.
Guest 6:You know, Doug and a Mike's okay, but you get this fucking guy in front of a blender.
Guest 6:He'll just rip away.
Guest 6:Where have you been?
Guest 2:I've been, I was just in Bloomington, Indiana.
Guest 10:Oh, that's a nice place, yeah.
Guest 2:What's that?
Guest 10:That's a nice club, yeah.
Guest 2:Yeah, yeah, Maria likes that place.
Guest 2:Let me guess why you like that place.
Guest 2:Because it's intimate, like it's not a big room.
Guest 2:It's small.
Guest 2:No people.
Guest 2:Low ceiling.
Guest 2:Low ceiling, no people.
Guest 2:But also, the people that are there are all college students that enjoy alternative comedy.
Guest 2:They're totally in your wheelhouse.
Guest 2:So it's a fun room for her.
Guest 2:Cozy.
Guest 2:Now, for me, I get all the college students that like weed and get high before coming to the show, and then...
Guest 2:add alcohol to the mix.
Guest 2:Nice.
Guest 2:So now I've got drunken assholes who start off as nice potheads.
Guest 2:And so it makes for an interesting mix in some shows.
Guest 2:Do people ever throw up at your show?
Guest 2:I haven't ever.
Guest 2:One time we were doing the marijuana logs in Chicago, and a woman in the third row, we watched it happen while we were doing the show.
Guest 2:She just threw up, but then came back up and was like, I'm just going to continue watching the...
Guest 2:the show and then just slowly sank out of her chair until she was passed out in her own vomit on the ground.
Guest 2:And then they had to, we had to have an intermission.
Guest 2:To get her out?
Guest 2:No, because the vomit smelled so bad.
Guest 2:Did you finish the show after that?
Guest 2:We had an intermission and they came in and sprinkled that stuff on the vomit.
Guest 2:And then we finished it, but it still had a, you know, there's that vague vomit smell that still lingers.
Guest 2:You just want to just not do it.
Guest 2:Just wanted it to be over.
Marc:I guess I know people talk to you a lot about pop, but is there a point where you get just tired of people going like, dude, do you want to?
Guest 3:You're like the new Cheech and Chong.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:I saw Tommy Chong at the airport recently.
Marc:What I couldn't believe was it was at LAX and there were four paparazzi there to take pictures of Tommy Chong.
Marc:I'm like, God, it must be a slow day.
Guest 3:I mean, as he's at Cinnabon fucking munching it out.
Guest 2:Yeah, they were waiting for somebody else and he was just like a bonus.
Guest 2:There's Chong.
Guest 2:Yeah, he just came wandering in.
Guest 2:They were like, well, might as well.
Guest 2:He might go to jail again or something.
Guest 6:Hey, Tommy Chong, where are you flying today?
Guest 2:Flying.
Guest 2:Hey, man.
Guest 2:I live here.
Guest 2:We were doing the marijuana lugs.
Guest 2:We were touring around with Tommy filling in.
Guest 2:He'd sit in one of the seats, and Tony and Arjun and I, we went over the border in one of those long limousines from Seattle to Vancouver.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:They pulled us over and searched the entire limo, took us inside, you know, and interviewed all of us, you know, because it's fucking Tommy Chong.
Guest 2:Of course there's going to be a good chance that they're going to find something.
Guest 2:But they were also very polite to him because they were all excited that, you know, movie star time.
Guest 2:You know, like even people that are enforcing the laws against pot are cool with, you know, Cheech and Chong movies.
Guest 2:So...
Guest 2:So he got a nice treatment or whatever.
Guest 2:Then we get back in the fucking limo, and we're driving along, and Tony pulls this fucking fat joint out of his pocket that he had the entire time that he didn't know about.
Guest 2:So it all went smoothly.
Guest 2:Nobody was sweating it because we thought we didn't have any weed on us, but Tony had a little bit on him.
Guest 2:And we still got it through.
Guest 2:And here's another thing I just learned recently.
Guest 2:This is a travel tip.
Guest 2:I have a belt right here that's got some metal in it, right?
Guest 2:And I've just been untucking my shirt and walking through the metal detector.
Guest 2:And at the last 18 airports I'm keeping track, I've worn a belt through the metal detector and it hasn't set it off.
Guest 2:So don't take your belts off, guys.
Guest 2:Just untuck your shirts.
Marc:I leave liquids in my bag just to test the shit and see if they take it off.
Guest 2:What, like liquid nitrogen?
Yeah.
Guest 2:Some bleach.
Guest 2:Why are you traveling with so much bleach, sir?
Marc:The weird thing is it's really random, you know, whether or not they actually enforce any of the rules at all.
Guest 2:Oh, it's all, you know, and they're not... I also like to say people are like, you travel with weed?
Guest 2:And it's like, they're not looking for weed.
Guest 2:There's this thing going on in the world right now that's fear of terrorism, and that's what they're... They're looking for bombs.
Guest 2:They're not... If they found weed in my bag, which I wouldn't let... I wouldn't be in that situation, but if they did, I don't think...
Guest 2:Have we heard of anybody being arrested at an airport for drug possession or weed?
Guest 2:Not lately.
Guest 2:No, that goes straight through.
Guest 2:That's not what they're looking for.
Marc:They can find it and go, just weed?
Guest 2:Internationally, that's a whole other story.
Guest 2:Like I was in Australia and they have these drug dogs that are like cute little beagles.
Guest 2:So it's like the most adorable crime prevention in the whole world.
Guest 2:It's like, oh, fuck, I got to get away from that.
Guest 2:I can't pet that little doggy.
Marc:I had an experience in Australia where I had that moment where they were going through my bag, so I brought some CDs.
Marc:And, you know, as an American, sometimes you give a little too much information.
Marc:And the guy goes, you wouldn't be transporting any drugs.
Marc:And I said, no, I don't do them anymore.
Yeah.
Marc:and he looks at me and goes what did you do when you did them and I'm like no no I mean I just drank and it was really fucking awkward because he realized like this guy's not here to support me he's not my friend where are you going next man
Guest 2:I'll be at 88 Broadway in Urbana, Illinois on December 5th doing the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago on December 6th.
Guest 2:And December 11 and 12th I'll be at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas.
Guest 2:I smoke a lot of pot, you guys.
Guest 2:He's fucking great.
Guest 2:I can still remember that shit.
Guest 8:That's amazing.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:How does he do it?
Marc:I'm going to have to bring out the last two actors.
Guest 2:Have to?
Marc:Well, no, I mean, I feel bad.
Guest 2:It's a pleasure for everyone concerned.
Guest 2:These guys are the best.
Marc:You want to stay out here and do it?
Guest 2:I'll be happy to.
Guest 2:What is this next night?
Marc:Everyone, we're going to enjoy.
Marc:We're going to put our mics down.
Marc:And this is sort of a treat because a lot of you know Jim Earl.
Marc:Jim Earl, he's a comedian.
Marc:He was part of the famous...
Marc:Comedy duo Lank and Earl in the 70s, I think.
Marc:Wasn't it, Jim?
Marc:The 70s in San Francisco.
Marc:He's also a great comic writer, but tonight he's doing something he's very passionate about, and we should be thrilled to have him, because first and foremost, Jim is a poet.
Marc:And Jim Earl is now going to do some poetry for you, so please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest 1:Thank you so much.
Guest 1:It is a great honor being here tonight on this stage in front of these fine people.
Guest 1:I would like to read this poem to you entitled, Office Depot Customer Feedback Letters.
Guest 1:Dear fuckhole,
Guest 1:If you so much as go near or even look at my son again, I'll hunt you down like an animal and cut off your balls.
Guest 1:P.S.
Guest 1:Thanks for helping me select the right workstation for my computer system.
Guest 1:You'd be surprised how many times I've been led astray by some unknowledgeable salesman who doesn't even know his third-party software from an IBM networking protocol.
Guest 1:Now I can save my HyperCard stacks as standalone applications and distribute them royalty-free.
Guest 1:Kudos to Office Depot.
Guest 1:You really are my one-stop office store.
Guest 1:Signed, Ted.
Guest 1:Dear monster, last night my wife broke down in tears and told me you fondled her breasts while threatening her with a club.
Guest 1:Your kind makes me sick, praying on the weak and defenseless.
Guest 1:May God have mercy on your wicked soul.
Guest 1:Pray to your maker, you perverted beast.
Guest 1:For the time will come when I wrap your intestines around your neck like a garden hose and piss on your face.
Guest 1:P.S.
Guest 1:Thanks for steering my wife to the part of the store that really represents value pricing.
Guest 1:Having looked everywhere, and I mean everywhere, for inexpensive bulk memo pads, she was just about at the end of her rope.
Guest 1:But with one look in the post-it notes bin, she knew Office Depot hadn't let her down.
Guest 1:It's not hard to guess why this week is memo-mania week.
Guest 1:Signed, the man is going to kill you.
Guest 1:Dear sicko, having raised a family and been happily married for over 30 years now, I can with full confidence state that your behavior is indicative of a dementia so foul, so disturbing, so bestial, that even the very demons of Hades would turn away in shame.
Guest 1:Good God, man, have you no soul?
Guest 1:At what point did the light of decency within you die, taking with it your last warm feelings for humanity?
Guest 1:Soon this world will relieve itself from the wretched burden of putrefaction that is your life, and your last breath will be my rebirth.
Guest 1:However...
Guest 1:Your suggestion that I use Southworth ivory bond paper for all my letterhead's decent presentations was right on.
Guest 1:Now I know what you meant when you said, use a paper people will remember that looks and feels valuable, just like you.
Guest 1:Mucho thanks for going out of your way to help with my media needs.
Guest 1:Sign the Crimson Banner of Righteousness.
Guest 1:The last one.
Guest 1:Dear Mr. Earl, put your guns down and come out of the store with your hands up.
Guest 1:The pipe bomb exploded nowhere near your mother's vagina.
Guest 1:We know you're not a real terrorist.
Guest 1:P.S.
Guest 1:Thanks for suggesting that colored envelope.
Guest 1:Signed, Sergeant McDolte.
Guest 5:Thank you, Jim.
Guest 5:Thank you very much.
Guest 5:Eddie Pepitone, come out here, Eddie.
Guest 5:Let's do this.
Marc:I ran late.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:But I'd like you to focus on, you know, that thing that drives you out there.
Guest 4:Okay.
Guest 4:I just want to talk a little bit and, you know, I know Mark has run late and there's a bunch of fucking people in the back of this theater now practicing their little fucking routines.
Guest 4:so they can be on Parks and Recreation in about two weeks.
Guest 4:Which, by the way, at least Parks and Recreation, maybe they should call it Park and Recreation.
Guest 4:Maybe if it was kept to one fucking park.
Guest 4:we'd have a fucking chance because still waters, folks, run deep, okay?
Guest 4:Still waters run deep, and we are a society who just fucking twitters, and there's a darker side to Twitter, okay?
Guest 4:You didn't hear, you know, there's a fucking guy who went crazy last week at Fort Hood.
Guest 4:He fucking mowed down all these soldiers and nobody wants to twit about that.
Guest 4:They want to twit, no, they want to twit about their fucking cat.
Guest 4:And so, and then they also want to talk about how they feel.
Guest 4:Oh, I feel this way.
Guest 4:I feel that way.
Guest 4:This is what this stage is for.
Guest 4:This is how I feel.
Guest 4:I'm so fucking special.
Guest 4:Oh, really?
Guest 4:We live in a military industrial complex that is fucking dominated by vampirism.
Guest 4:Oh.
Guest 4:That's right.
Guest 4:Twilight.
Guest 4:Fucking, fucking Twilight.
Guest 4:John C. Reilly, who I used to respect, is running around doing vampire movies now.
Guest 4:And all the women, all the women want to fuck vampires and firemen.
Guest 4:And let me tell you, no.
Guest 4:let me tell you something fuck the firemen fuck the firemen they can fuck it they can fuck it all they do is run around putting out fires you know that happens just very small part of the year the rest of the year the rest of the year firemen are just sitting around fucking making a lot of money and they're not even the people i want to attack yet i will attack them
Guest 4:I will attack them because my anger knows no bounds.
Guest 4:I can try and sit and meditate and the only thing that meditation does is make me fucking angry.
Guest 4:That's all it does because the idea of meditation, and this is what we're given as an elixir.
Guest 4:Oh, just sit in one spot.
Guest 4:sit in one spot and let everything fucking go.
Guest 4:Let it all fucking go because you don't really exist.
Guest 4:You were never born.
Guest 4:This doesn't exist.
Guest 4:Everything's fucking impermanent, especially your ass and your family.
Guest 4:And I'll tell you the only thing that is important, and I know I attacked it at the beginning, is cats.
Guest 4:I love cats.
Guest 4:I have cats that lay on my chest.
Guest 4:I have cats that lay on my chest.
Guest 4:And fuck you, dog people.
Marc:Yeah, you're right.
Guest 4:No, no, no.
Guest 4:There's always the dog people.
Guest 4:And Doug even brought up beautiful beagles.
Guest 7:I like the hug.
Guest 4:He even brought up beagles, and I love dogs, I love dogs, but in my apartment, and I'm 51, still have an apartment, part of my anger issues.
Guest 4:We are not allowed to have dogs in this apartment, so we have cats, and goddammit, me and my girlfriend, who's in the front row, she's always in the front row, because she knows I could go at any time.
Guest 4:And she wants to be here.
Guest 4:She wants to be here for that, to pick up the pieces.
Guest 4:And thank God for her.
Guest 5:Eddie Pepperdine!
Guest 5:You can turn the music on.
Guest 5:Keep it going for Doug Benson, Whitney Cummings, Chris Hardwick, Maria Bamford, Jim Earl.
Guest 5:For all your comedy needs, go to punchlinemagazine.com and go to wtfpod.com for everything else.
Guest 5:You've been a great audience.
Guest 5:Thank you for coming.
Guest 5:My apologies to the improv kids after this show.
Guest 5:Good night.
you