Episode 226 - Neil Hamburger, Molly Shannon, Harris Wittels, Andy Kindler, Jim & Eddie

Episode 226 • Released November 9, 2011 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF.

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:21Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:22Guest:All right, let's do this live WTF at the Steve Allen Theater.

00:00:27Guest:Los Feliz.

00:00:29Marc:Thank you for coming out.

00:00:30Marc:It's great to see you people.

00:00:31Marc:I am Marc Maron.

00:00:32Marc:This is my show.

00:00:33Marc:I'm 12 years sober today.

00:00:42Marc:and uh i'm not gonna rest on my laurels um i'm still gonna panic every day about that because it's weird even at 12 years sober you know there's those moments where you're like oh wouldn't that be good anything that's bad how about some of that if i had an interesting happen and i don't think i've shared it and i'm going to share with you now i you know i judge i'm a judger uh i don't like when people say don't judge because my first thought is you don't take away my hobbies um

00:01:09Marc:What would a day without judgment be like?

00:01:11Marc:I can't even imagine that, just sitting there and being like, oh, this is horrible.

00:01:14Marc:Oh, look at that fucking nope.

00:01:17Marc:Oh, dude, really?

00:01:18Marc:I can't.

00:01:19Marc:It'd be horrible.

00:01:21Marc:So I was cranky and tired, and I was walking towards an elevator in Montreal at the hotel, and there was a guy in front of me that was just, have you ever gotten angry at someone's shorts?

00:01:30Marc:I mean, I don't know why it happened.

00:01:33Marc:There was nothing distinctive about the shorts that should make anyone angry, but I was walking behind this guy, just looking at him, thinking like, what, really, those fucking shorts?

00:01:41Marc:Those aren't okay in any world.

00:01:43Marc:And I wear stupid shorts.

00:01:44Marc:I had a problem at, where was that?

00:01:46Marc:In Brooklyn.

00:01:47Marc:I did two shows at the Bell House.

00:01:48Marc:Some drunk guy came up to me and said, you're funny, but really?

00:01:51Marc:Cargo shorts?

00:01:52Marc:I don't even know what that meant.

00:01:54Marc:But whatever experience he had was similar to the experience I was having.

00:01:57Marc:And these weren't cargo shorts.

00:01:58Marc:They were something different.

00:01:59Marc:And he had a dumb t-shirt on.

00:02:01Marc:And I was literally getting angry at this guy as I was walking towards the elevator.

00:02:06Marc:Like, fuck you and your pants.

00:02:08Yeah.

00:02:08Marc:It was just horrible.

00:02:12Marc:But here's what happens.

00:02:13Marc:I get on the elevator, and the dude turns around, and he's got a scar that runs from the center of his forehead all the way around the top of his head.

00:02:22Marc:Yeah, and my first thought was like, oh, you can wear them.

00:02:29Marc:Like, whatever, I don't even know what happened, but you've earned the right to wear those shorts anytime you want to.

00:02:36Marc:And I guess the NPR ending of that story would be, aren't we all scarred?

00:02:45Marc:I was just in... where was I?

00:02:46Marc:I was in Chicago.

00:02:48Marc:Actually happened.

00:02:49Marc:Actually happened.

00:02:50Marc:I woke up, like, at 8 in the morning.

00:02:53Marc:I called the front desk of the hotel.

00:02:55Marc:Nobody answered the phone.

00:02:57Marc:And the first thought that came into my head was, oh, fuck zombies.

00:03:03Marc:Like, I had a moment where I'm like, I'm the only one left looking out the window, figuring out how to spend the rest of my day fighting zombies.

00:03:12Marc:But I think they were just busy.

00:03:14Marc:An interesting thing happened, and I'm going to share it with you.

00:03:19Marc:Somebody came up to me in Chicago, and he had written, he gave me his graduate thesis paper on me.

00:03:27Wow.

00:03:32Marc:Now, but this is the weird thing.

00:03:35Marc:Like, I always aspired to be a guy who could write a paper like this.

00:03:39Marc:Like, there was nothing more than, like, I tried to read all those books that would enable me to do this.

00:03:45Marc:So I had to take this and go, thank you, I'm very excited to read it.

00:03:49Marc:And I'll just, just to give you a taste of where I'm at with this, I'll read you the title of this.

00:03:56Marc:Giving an account of the medium, colon...

00:03:59Marc:agency, opacity, and identity in Marc Maron's What the Fuck podcast.

00:04:08Marc:How many people are lost?

00:04:09Marc:I'm lost.

00:04:11Marc:I haven't even started this 12, this 22-page paper on me, and I can't even understand where he's going with it.

00:04:20Marc:So I figured maybe this will explain it in the abstract.

00:04:24Marc:I didn't even know what an abstract is, but apparently it's something you have to write in front of a paper.

00:04:28Marc:I didn't make it to this level of college.

00:04:31Marc:But I figured surely this will clear it up for me.

00:04:34Marc:Abstract, colon.

00:04:37Marc:The rapid proliferation of online content in recent years has been produced in an era of what Zygmunt Bauman has described.

00:04:47Marc:has described as, quote, liquid modernity, unquote.

00:04:51Marc:In this era, identities are fluid, unstable, and always fragmented.

00:04:55Marc:I'm like, that's me.

00:04:56Marc:That's me.

00:04:58Marc:In this essay, I argue for a medium-centered understanding of this age with specific attention given to Judith Butler's notion of agency as describing and giving an account of oneself.

00:05:10Marc:Through an analysis of the unvarnished accounts produced on stand-up comedian Mark Maron's popular WTF podcast, I explain how one medium, the podcast, can produce a sense of agency and identity.

00:05:23Marc:Identity stability in an age marked by self-opacity.

00:05:32Marc:Keywords, colon, agency, liquidity, opacity, medium theory, Judith Butler.

00:05:38Okay.

00:05:41Marc:Fuck, man, I'm exhausted.

00:05:44Marc:How can I not understand a paper written about me?

00:05:48Marc:A lot of footnotes, a lot of research went into this, and then I figured maybe I made, I tried to glean something from it, but I'll just read the conclusion.

00:06:05Marc:This is great, this is great.

00:06:07Marc:I'm gonna put this first sentence is gonna go in my press kit.

00:06:12Marc:If nothing else, WTF points to the dangers of dystopian notions of postmodernism that, according to Doug Kellner and Stephen Best, 1997, quote, fail to theorize important counter-tendencies, contradictions, and forms of resistance, unquote.

00:06:29Marc:And that's on page 262 of whatever the fuck he's talking about.

00:06:33Marc:A postmodern medium-based paradigm of the agentic artist should instead do as Kellner and Beth suggest and, quote, see the universe and human agency as active, dynamic, spontaneous, and creative.

00:06:45Marc:God damn it.

00:06:48Marc:Let me turn my phone off.

00:06:50Marc:I wonder how he's gonna explain that when he listens to this show.

00:06:54Marc:That was modernity chiming in.

00:07:00Marc:A little shout-out to modernity here on the podcast.

00:07:05Marc:If you're listening, Vince, dig that, man.

00:07:08Marc:A fucking modernic imposition on the matter at hand.

00:07:12Marc:How's that fuck with the agency of the situation?

00:07:18Marc:Life is not mere matter in motion, but a self-organizing, self-regulating, communicating in the broadest sense.

00:07:27Marc:Cybernetic force.

00:07:28Marc:Life involves not only an exchange of matter and energy, but also an exchange of information.

00:07:33Marc:These dialogues confirm an astute attention to the dangers of indifference, the suffocating presence of unresolved neuroticism.

00:07:40Marc:Now, I think that's a fucking hit at me.

00:07:42Marc:I think that...

00:07:43Marc:Do you think he just took a shot at me?

00:07:47Marc:Unresolved neuroticism.

00:07:48Marc:Are we supposed to resolve it?

00:07:50Marc:And the interpersonal tumult that festers when left unattended.

00:07:55Marc:Hey, fuck you, man.

00:07:56Marc:I am attending.

00:08:03Marc:WTF provides a forum through which the liquid agent finds their anchor points.

00:08:09Marc:Thank God.

00:08:10Marc:I mean, I am so happy that's happening.

00:08:15Marc:leading to exchanges of information that cool the nerves and calm the anxieties of those making their living on the fringe.

00:08:24Marc:Whew, I'm just glad that I'm doing that.

00:08:30Marc:Now, this sort of summed up exactly what he said.

00:08:33Marc:This is an email that just says, thank you, and it says, for being a person of integrity who obliterates the bullshit of contrived human narrative.

00:08:40Marc:You're awesome.

00:08:41Marc:See, why couldn't he have just written that?

00:08:45Marc:I think that's exactly what he was trying to say.

00:08:49Marc:Contrived human narrative.

00:08:50Marc:Where's that in the agency discussion of modernity?

00:08:54Marc:Okay, quick emails, then we're going to move it along.

00:08:57Marc:Danny McBride, subject line, book that shit, because where the fuck did that come from, right?

00:09:06Marc:Right.

00:09:09Marc:Where the fuck did that guy come from?

00:09:12Marc:Dreamtime, WTF.

00:09:13Marc:Hey, Mark, I don't know if you give much interpretive weight to dreams, but I recently had an amusing yet slightly disturbing one that I'm taking as a sign I maybe need to slow down on my WTF intake.

00:09:22Marc:In the dream, I'm in the middle of what appears to be a medieval war zone.

00:09:26Marc:Chaos is going on everywhere around me, but my attention turns acutely towards a small group of people who are off to the side using a catapult to launch large flaming objects up a hill.

00:09:36Marc:To my surprise, you were the one leading this outfit.

00:09:38LAUGHTER

00:09:39Marc:and quite effectively, I might add, as each projectile seemed to connect directly with its intended targets, bursting whoever they were into blinding silhouettes of fire.

00:09:48Marc:After every hit, you'd let out this bellowing cry that was pitched at such a range, it sounded like a deranged laughter.

00:09:55Marc:I'm not sure whether you were on the good side or the bad side of this conflict.

00:09:59Marc:All I can say is that you seem to be really enjoying it.

00:10:03Marc:And though it kind of freaked the fuck out of me because I've listened to your podcast so often, I was able to just sort of shrug it off and say to myself in the dream, oh, that's just Mark being Mark.

00:10:12Marc:Anywho, thought I'd share.

00:10:15Marc:Love the work you're doing.

00:10:16Marc:Best regards, Jacob.

00:10:17Marc:I'm not going to read the one about the Robert Fripp guitar camp.

00:10:22Marc:Did you just fall asleep in the middle of me saying that?

00:10:28Marc:Some guy wants me to go to Robert Fripp guitar camp.

00:10:30Marc:I couldn't imagine a more tedious, horrendously pompous, elitist bit of business.

00:10:36Marc:I went to the guitar circle of Europe for beginners.

00:10:38Marc:Lots of contact with Robert Fripp.

00:10:43Marc:I had contact with him once, and he was an asshole.

00:10:45Marc:He was on an airplane.

00:10:47Marc:Fuck him.

00:10:47Marc:But I'm over it.

00:10:48Marc:It was a long time ago.

00:10:49Marc:You know, I said, hey, you're Robert Fripp, because I used to listen to the Brian Eno records and the David Bowie records, and he's a great guitar player.

00:10:56Marc:And he was like, you know, he just dismissed me.

00:10:58Marc:Yeah, and then on the way out of the airplane, he asked me to get his jacket and apologized.

00:11:02Marc:How is that not fucked up?

00:11:04Marc:All right.

00:11:05Marc:Like, we're buddies now?

00:11:06Marc:All right.

00:11:07Marc:The, uh...

00:11:08Marc:Here we go.

00:11:08Marc:The total cost, including room and board, is about 750 euro.

00:11:12Marc:They might have one in Boston in March, but it would be better to go abroad.

00:11:15Marc:In my humble opinion, you should go.

00:11:16Marc:It's like a cult.

00:11:17Marc:How is that a selling point?

00:11:21Marc:For instance, volunteers wash the dishes, and before you can go, you're required to stand in a circle for two minutes of silence.

00:11:28Marc:I made a joke about this, but they all take everything very seriously.

00:11:33Marc:I found it inspirational, even though I never felt like one of them.

00:11:37Marc:There was also a lot of meditation, silence, Alexander Technique, and Tai Chi.

00:11:44Marc:The food is vegetarian, and your waste comes out all liquid.

00:11:50Marc:What am I supposed to do at the end of that?

00:11:52Marc:Oh, shit, that last part sold me.

00:11:55Marc:I'm on my way to diarrhea camp with Robert Fripp.

00:12:03Marc:Not only do you have to be quiet and listen to Robert Fripp, you could fight the urge to shit your pants all day.

00:12:11Marc:How does that not sound like a good time?

00:12:13Marc:Who wouldn't want to be part of that cult?

00:12:15Marc:Incessant noodling and the possibility of explosive diarrhea.

00:12:20Marc:A fucking band, motherfucker.

00:12:27Marc:That's the subject line.

00:12:29Marc:Wow.

00:12:30Marc:Okay, here's the deal.

00:12:33Marc:I'm 25 and I'm a drummer and I've got nothing to fucking do.

00:12:37Marc:Fuck the podcast.

00:12:38Marc:Let's make a band.

00:12:40Marc:A fucking kick-ass rock band.

00:12:42Marc:Okay, don't fuck the podcast.

00:12:44Marc:It's really great.

00:12:45Marc:But on the side, we could be pulling in some serious cash.

00:12:54Marc:Maybe this guy ought to go to Robert Fripp guitar camp.

00:12:58Marc:Since you're sober, that means more drugs, booze, and pussy for me.

00:13:03Marc:You can eat cupcakes in the next room.

00:13:09Marc:But fear not, there can be no virtue without temptation.

00:13:14Marc:Big fan, love your style of comedy, and I love to fucking rock.

00:13:19Marc:Plus, I feel like you can introduce me to some of your older women friends that want to corrupt a young man with good sex and a cold attitude.

00:13:29Marc:I think that's fucking hot.

00:13:32Marc:I can sleep on your couch...

00:13:36Marc:or failing that, a tent in the yard.

00:13:40Marc:After the money starts coming in, I'll buy my own place, and you can visit and uncomfortably glance at the Coke and whiskey on the coffee table.

00:13:51Marc:Remember, virtue.

00:13:52Marc:Love, Alex.

00:13:56Marc:It's my pleasure right now to bring up our first guest, and I'm very happy you're here because I love this man.

00:14:02Marc:We are kindred spirits in the world of comedy.

00:14:06Marc:We've both been marginalized presences for many years, but one of the funniest men alive.

00:14:13Marc:Please welcome Andy Kindler to the stage.

00:14:16Marc:Hello.

00:14:17Marc:Here, where are you going?

00:14:18Marc:Here.

00:14:19Marc:No.

00:14:20No.

00:14:21Guest:Yeah!

00:14:22Guest:I thought of that bit before it came out.

00:14:24Guest:It'd be hilarious to be down there.

00:14:26Guest:You're already doing it.

00:14:28Guest:Hey, this reminds me of the McCarthy hearing.

00:14:31Guest:Oh!

00:14:31Guest:Too dated?

00:14:32Guest:Was that dated?

00:14:33Marc:No, too soon.

00:14:33Marc:Too soon.

00:14:34Guest:Sorry.

00:14:35Guest:Too soon.

00:14:36Guest:A lot of anti-commie people.

00:14:38Marc:Yeah, no kidding.

00:14:39Marc:How are you, Andy?

00:14:40Marc:I'm very, very good.

00:14:41Marc:Yeah, you look well.

00:14:43Guest:Well, that's a lie.

00:14:44Marc:No, I mean... We were in Montreal together.

00:14:46Guest:I'm ambulatory.

00:14:48Guest:I think that's good.

00:14:48Guest:I've been using that word.

00:14:49Guest:We both have kind of clammy hair, but it's good.

00:14:51Guest:It's good.

00:14:51Guest:It's sweaty juice.

00:14:52Guest:This was our year.

00:14:53Guest:This was our... People, I usually do the... I don't know why I'm playing the crowd.

00:14:56Guest:No, go ahead.

00:14:56Marc:Because they're right here and you can't help yourself?

00:14:58Guest:Yeah, I can't.

00:14:58Guest:I gotta work the crowd.

00:15:00Guest:Did you hear me knock over the music stand back there?

00:15:01Marc:No, did you?

00:15:02Guest:That was a nice moment, wasn't it?

00:15:03Guest:I'm sorry we didn't get it on camera.

00:15:06Guest:I recorded it myself.

00:15:08Guest:Okay.

00:15:08Guest:Before we start, can I do my 20-second intro to your show?

00:15:11Guest:Yeah.

00:15:11Guest:Remember, I said, all right, here's my 20-second intro that covers the intro to the show in the first minute.

00:15:16Guest:Are we doing this?

00:15:19Guest:And it's also...

00:15:25Guest:Hello, wata-ha-has, maca-pickies, maca-smookies, schmicky-pickies.

00:15:29Guest:All right, I'm tired of that bit.

00:15:31Guest:All right, we've got a great show today.

00:15:32Guest:It's brought to you by Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo-Cock-a-Porn.

00:15:35Guest:Come on, do it.

00:15:36Guest:All right, I have a thing on my head, but it went away.

00:15:39Guest:Very nervous about it.

00:15:41Guest:And, oh, I can't stop eating with the food.

00:15:43Guest:All right, and now let's bring the guest out.

00:15:47Guest:I listen to every show twice.

00:15:52Guest:Twice.

00:15:53Guest:Do you want to go to Robert Fripp Guitar Camp?

00:15:59Guest:I wouldn't mind going to a guitar camp.

00:16:01Guest:Wait, did you say?

00:16:02Guest:I thought it was Robert Cray on the plane.

00:16:03Marc:No, no.

00:16:05Marc:Robert Fripp from King Crimson and from the Bowie albums and from his work with Brian Eno, ambient music number one through 907.

00:16:14Marc:I missed all that.

00:16:15Guest:The last kind of... Really?

00:16:16Marc:Here, let me recapture for you.

00:16:17Marc:Yeah.

00:16:17Guest:He...

00:16:22Guest:It's more like Brian Eno, though, isn't it?

00:16:24Marc:Yeah, but that was Fripp in the background.

00:16:25Marc:You didn't hear it?

00:16:27Marc:I missed all of that.

00:16:28Marc:Once it was the Moody Blues, I went, I'm not going that route.

00:16:31Marc:I couldn't go that route, and people would get mad at me.

00:16:33Marc:I had a lot of Rush fans angry at me about the Tom Sharpling live episode because I condescended to Rush.

00:16:38Marc:Because, look, I don't have anything against that.

00:16:41Marc:They seem like very skilled people.

00:16:42Marc:Right.

00:16:43Marc:They have 18 snares.

00:16:44Marc:But I never... Right.

00:16:46Marc:But never do I hear myself... I don't put on a Kim Crimson record and go, oh, fuck yeah.

00:16:50Marc:You know?

00:16:51Marc:No.

00:16:51Marc:You kind of go like, is this math?

00:16:53Marc:Not for us.

00:16:54Marc:Not for us.

00:16:55Marc:We reject it.

00:16:56Marc:This is what math sounds like.

00:16:57Marc:We don't condescend to it.

00:16:58Marc:We reject it.

00:16:59Marc:Yes.

00:17:00Marc:Fuck that.

00:17:00Marc:If you listen to it, there's something wrong with you, get some help.

00:17:02Marc:Yeah.

00:17:03Marc:Now I'm going to get emails defending... Look, Robert Prip is apparently a genius and his fingers move fast, but I need more than that.

00:17:10Guest:Well, see, when I started... I'm a guitar player.

00:17:12Guest:A lot of people don't know that.

00:17:13Marc:Well, let's talk about that.

00:17:14Marc:I've released nothing.

00:17:14Marc:Let's talk about the humble roots of Andy Kinler.

00:17:17Marc:What was the dream, Andy?

00:17:19Guest:I grew up in a small farm in Alabama where my pappy would make ginseng.

00:17:23Guest:I don't know what I'm saying.

00:17:24Guest:I think it was Queens.

00:17:26Guest:I wanted to be the Beatles when I was a kid.

00:17:28Guest:All of them?

00:17:28Guest:Yeah, all of them.

00:17:30Guest:Sorry, ladies.

00:17:31Guest:John's married.

00:17:34Guest:That's how old I am.

00:17:34Guest:I remember the Beatles' first time around.

00:17:36Guest:Hard day's night.

00:17:37Guest:Do you?

00:17:37Guest:Yeah, I remember it.

00:17:38Guest:I was 15, 20, 34.

00:17:41Guest:So I really want... I used to take a tennis racket and I would play.

00:17:44Guest:Sure, yeah.

00:17:44Guest:And then I'm not on anything and yet I feel pumped up right now.

00:17:47Marc:I'm giving it to you.

00:17:48Marc:Yeah, it's going back and forth.

00:17:51Guest:And then I wanted to be a musician, so I was a classical violinist as a kid.

00:17:54Guest:This is all very interesting.

00:17:55Marc:No, no, it's great, because I don't think people know this about you.

00:17:57Marc:Now, of course, the logical question is, did you ever think about using the violin in your act?

00:18:03Guest:Well, it was.

00:18:05Guest:One of my first bits was based on a true story of my mom saying, this is my mom going, Adzie, you play the violin.

00:18:12Guest:Your cousin Michael's going to college.

00:18:15Guest:What would be a good instrument for him?

00:18:17Guest:Would you recommend the clarinet?

00:18:19LAUGHTER

00:18:19Guest:And my mom would actually ask me to play violin.

00:18:22Guest:For three weeks in fourth grade, I took violin.

00:18:25Guest:I was like, I am a virtuoso.

00:18:26Guest:I am the greatest.

00:18:27Guest:And then I hated it.

00:18:29Guest:And because I transferred feelings of my parents to my violin teacher, it took me another eight years to quit.

00:18:35Guest:i did not want to disappoint her she became my mother figure and then i was always the best in the schools i was in because i was the only one who took private lessons yeah but when i went up against anybody who could play violin i sounded horrible my dad would say what are you killing a cat there that was his that was his statement yeah now wait were there violin competitions where you actually put up against other violinists from other other schools no because it was all public schools i went through the public schools and so it was all i so i was like concert master in my high school really but

00:19:03Guest:It doesn't matter because I was, again, the only one who had taken violin.

00:19:06Guest:What was your favorite jam?

00:19:08Guest:Oh, I liked a nice Vivaldi double violin concerto in E minor.

00:19:12Guest:I didn't mind Handel.

00:19:13Marc:I can't think of two other names.

00:19:15Marc:Did you play any Mahler?

00:19:17Marc:Did you get any sort of anti-Semitic Jew stuff out of your... Wagner?

00:19:21Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:19:22Guest:I was attracted to him because of the anti-Semitism, even as a Jew.

00:19:25Guest:You know what?

00:19:26Guest:That makes me more interested.

00:19:27Guest:Yeah.

00:19:28Guest:And then the guitar came, and you said, this is good.

00:19:30Guest:I love that.

00:19:31Guest:And I wanted to be Bob Dylan, and I played guitar, and I was in bands, but they always had the worst names.

00:19:37Guest:I was a Grateful Dead type band.

00:19:40Marc:Sure.

00:19:41Marc:Yeah, we once spent an evening in a car on some road gig listening to the Grateful Dead for like an hour.

00:19:47Guest:And I'm not embarrassed to say that I love... I'm not embarrassed.

00:19:49Marc:I think I'm a little embarrassed that we enjoyed ourselves so much.

00:19:52Guest:I was a dead head.

00:19:53Marc:You were?

00:19:53Marc:Well, not like, you know, I'm not like going around like waving and... But you were, like, did you wear a bandana at times?

00:19:59Marc:Mostly the drug part.

00:20:00Marc:Yeah.

00:20:02Yeah.

00:20:02Marc:So let me ask you a question.

00:20:04Marc:When you went to a dead show, you were on what drugs?

00:20:06Marc:Mushrooms, perhaps?

00:20:07Guest:My character, the comedian you're talking about?

00:20:08Guest:Yes, he was on mushrooms and things like that.

00:20:11Guest:I went in the time... I'm not kidding.

00:20:12Guest:Well, sometimes I am kidding.

00:20:13Guest:But I would go to these places, and I remember we went to English Town, New Jersey, and I get off the car, and the guy goes... He has a hand.

00:20:20Guest:He opens up his hand.

00:20:21Guest:He goes, take three.

00:20:23Guest:They're weak.

00:20:24Guest:And I didn't even know what they were.

00:20:25Guest:All I knew was two wouldn't be enough.

00:20:27Guest:That's the kind of thing I used to do.

00:20:29Guest:And then we'd do whippets on the way home.

00:20:31Guest:It was fantastic.

00:20:32Guest:Whippets, they don't know from it.

00:20:33Guest:Did you figure out what they did?

00:20:35Marc:No, I think they were bogus.

00:20:38Marc:I once picked up a hitchhiker going to a dead show, and he was an evil hippie.

00:20:43Marc:Oh, that's the worst.

00:20:44Marc:I saw this dude do this, and I didn't know what to do about it.

00:20:48Marc:He sat there.

00:20:49Marc:He glommed on to me and my brother.

00:20:51Marc:He borrowed $60.

00:20:53Marc:He stayed in our hotel room.

00:20:54Marc:And before the show, and he wore a bandana, and he was kind of like, you know, I love the dead, but I'm also Satan.

00:21:00Marc:You know, and...

00:21:01Marc:But he sat there ripping the end, ripping match, like he took a book of matches, right?

00:21:05Marc:Paper matches.

00:21:06Marc:And he started ripping pieces off.

00:21:08Marc:And I'm like, what are you doing?

00:21:09Marc:He's like, this is acid.

00:21:11Marc:I'm going to sell these for $6 a tab.

00:21:13Guest:Oh, just completely nothing.

00:21:15Marc:They were matches.

00:21:16Marc:So it was worse and not as bad as the brown matches.

00:21:18Marc:But what was I supposed to do in that juncture?

00:21:20Marc:He ruined everything.

00:21:21Marc:And I wanted nothing to do with him because now somehow or another I was responsible for this evil asshole selling people fake acid.

00:21:27Marc:It was probably better for the people.

00:21:29Marc:That they didn't go have a bad trip.

00:21:30Marc:Yeah, but I wish I had hung around to see if anyone got off on the matches, because that happens.

00:21:35Guest:But a lot of it wasn't so bad.

00:21:37Guest:I mean, the Grateful Dead kind of had a good vibe to them, but then there was always that whole... The circus.

00:21:41Guest:There was like a devil scene in all of rock and roll.

00:21:44Guest:Dude, when there's a 50-year-old man who hasn't lived in a house...

00:21:48Marc:for 30 years.

00:21:49Marc:Yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:21:50Marc:And, you know, he's got this weird thousand-yard stare that, you know, like he just, like that weird hippie evil fucking... Why are you talking about Phil Lesh this way?

00:21:58Guest:That's ridiculous.

00:22:01Marc:No, it's like those guys you see at the top of the hate who took to your Morrison's advice in the 60s and broke on through to the other side.

00:22:07Marc:Right, right, yeah.

00:22:08Marc:Didn't make note of the door back and they just sort of drain you of your life essence without you knowing it.

00:22:13Marc:Yeah, there's a lot of those.

00:22:14Guest:They didn't know it was a song.

00:22:15Guest:It's a song.

00:22:15Guest:It was one of his songs.

00:22:17Guest:Yeah.

00:22:17Guest:He also was the lizard king.

00:22:18Guest:Did you change into a lizard at some point?

00:22:21Marc:So you ended up doing comedy, and we're all grateful for that.

00:22:23Marc:Yeah.

00:22:26Guest:Do you still play every day?

00:22:28Guest:Well, my worst experience was I always had these horrible names of bands.

00:22:33Guest:And so they were just the worst names.

00:22:34Guest:We were in a band once called Trans Fusion, which we thought was we're going beyond fusion.

00:22:41Guest:But we couldn't play fusion.

00:22:43Guest:So what are we talking about?

00:22:44Guest:It's complete nonsense.

00:22:45Guest:But people thought we were a heavy metal band.

00:22:47Guest:So this was the worst experience.

00:22:49Guest:I was at a club, and when they kept saying, turn it up, and then they hated us, and then the club owner, and I was trying to joke with the crowd, and the club owner passed up a note that said, cut the chatter.

00:22:59Marc:And that's where you knew the chatter was where you wanted to be.

00:23:02Guest:Well, I didn't know stand-up would happen.

00:23:03Guest:I just knew music wasn't right then.

00:23:05Marc:Can I just tell you that I was in a band for about three weeks in high school.

00:23:09Marc:We knew about four songs, and I had business cards printed up.

00:23:13LAUGHTER

00:23:13Marc:Because all the bands... Wait, you know what the name of the band was?

00:23:16Marc:What was that?

00:23:17Marc:Change.

00:23:21Guest:It's because they're worse on so many different levels.

00:23:22Guest:Yeah.

00:23:23Guest:Change in your pocket.

00:23:25Guest:I was in a band called Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

00:23:30Marc:Couldn't put that all on a business card.

00:23:31Guest:I was in a band called Merging Traffic.

00:23:33Guest:Like, I didn't know there was a band named Traffic.

00:23:34Guest:No, you were not.

00:23:35Guest:Don't say Jesus.

00:23:36Guest:It's worse than that.

00:23:37Guest:We're yield.

00:23:38Guest:Yield.

00:23:39Guest:I mean, it was like that kind of a thing.

00:23:41Guest:What was I thinking?

00:23:42Guest:I could not come up with a band.

00:23:44Marc:I was in a band briefly.

00:23:45Marc:I think it was really the same band.

00:23:47Marc:I had a guitar strap made at a leather place that said the Midnight Ramblers on it.

00:23:54Guest:Is that from the Allman Brothers?

00:23:55Marc:No, it's from the Rolling Stones, but the guy who thought of the name Change said that sounds like a country band.

00:23:59Marc:I'm still in Change if you want to be in the Midnight Ramblers.

00:24:02Marc:So we were kind of two bands.

00:24:05Marc:I was in my own band and the other guy.

00:24:07Marc:There were only three of us.

00:24:08Marc:We didn't have a bass player.

00:24:09Marc:It doesn't fucking matter.

00:24:10Marc:We have business cards.

00:24:11Guest:But that's the thing.

00:24:12Guest:Before you know what you want to do, I'd like to think that if I did music again and things don't work out,

00:24:20Guest:like they're working out great no I wouldn't go I'd go inside out that was the problem it was like you'd spend four months coming up with the clothing and the name the clothing what'd you wear not really the clothing did you wear spandex yeah I'll have t-shirts I was a terrible time period it was right when the I got into the talking heads but it was right before them but yet I wasn't playing music that cutting edge I was playing Fleetwood Mackey type stuff did you have a Jewish mullet I never did I avoided that but I did that I had hippie hair at one point like Big Jufro no

00:24:50Guest:Look at my hair, Mark.

00:24:51Guest:Do I look like I have a juke fro?

00:24:53Guest:Do people say things like, oh, Kenler.

00:24:56Guest:Kenler's here.

00:24:57Guest:Yeah.

00:24:58Guest:Well, I wasn't like a stoner guy.

00:24:59Guest:I wasn't like Fast Times.

00:25:02Guest:I know you.

00:25:03Guest:You worked at Old American Burger.

00:25:05Guest:That wasn't you?

00:25:06Guest:That was not me.

00:25:07Guest:Did you have a good time in Montreal?

00:25:09Guest:I really did.

00:25:09Guest:You know, I always get nervous for that.

00:25:11Guest:I get so nervous because I do the speech where I talk about what's wrong with the industry, and then a couple months before the speech, I just go through, I have things that I look at, and should I go after this person, should I go after that person, and this rage that comes out.

00:25:24Marc:Do you think you could repeat a joke from the speech for me, you think?

00:25:28Marc:I'd like to hear the, if you could, I'd love to hear the BJ Novak joke again.

00:25:31Guest:Oh, okay.

00:25:32Guest:I was giving out State of the Industry Awards because it was based on the Comedy Central Awards, which they just decided to have an award show.

00:25:38Guest:And they was like, Best Comedy Channel, Comedy Central.

00:25:40Guest:How'd that happen?

00:25:42Guest:So...

00:25:43Guest:I came up with the State of the Industry Awards, and the first award was the Perseverance Award, and that goes to B.J.

00:25:50Guest:Novak because he was unemployed for the entire plane ride out from Boston after he graduated from Harvard.

00:25:59Guest:The entire plane flight for seven hours.

00:26:01Guest:He didn't know what was going on.

00:26:02Guest:No Wi-Fi back then.

00:26:04Guest:He was in limbo!

00:26:07Guest:And then the magician of the year, Mike Verbiglia.

00:26:10Guest:I don't know what he's doing, but it works.

00:26:14Guest:Can't see the wires.

00:26:17Marc:Andy Kinler, ladies and gentlemen.

00:26:20Marc:Yeah.

00:26:22Marc:And you can chime in if you'd like.

00:26:26Marc:I'll be very polite.

00:26:28Marc:This next gentleman is very funny.

00:26:29Marc:He opens for Louis C.K.

00:26:32Marc:on occasion.

00:26:33Marc:He also writes for Parks and Recreation.

00:26:35Marc:He also wrote for the Sarah Silverman program.

00:26:38Marc:And I thought he was kind of a dick at first, but I like him a lot now.

00:26:41Marc:Please welcome Harris Whittles.

00:26:44Marc:What a dick.

00:26:47Marc:Oh, you were right.

00:26:48Marc:Your first impression was right.

00:26:49Guest:Thanks for having me.

00:26:52Marc:Did that make you uncomfortable when I say that?

00:26:55Guest:I'm wondering at what point you thought I was a dick and then when it changed.

00:26:59Marc:I think it was because I didn't know who you were and you were funny.

00:27:02Guest:Thank you.

00:27:03Guest:There's the rumor that you hate young... You heard a rumor that I hate young comics?

00:27:09Guest:You're going to be on the show.

00:27:10Guest:He hates you.

00:27:11Guest:Really?

00:27:11Marc:I don't think it's hate.

00:27:13Marc:I think what I experience is...

00:27:16Guest:What are you laughing at, Andy?

00:27:18Guest:Have you ever snapped him one story in all of the podcasts where he said, initially, I thought you loved me, Mark.

00:27:24Guest:Has that ever happened?

00:27:26Guest:You eventually go, I like this guy.

00:27:28Guest:But can I say that I thought that... So I tried to get on your... I wasn't trying to get on your grades.

00:27:34Guest:I wrote you an email like a year ago.

00:27:36Marc:Oh, God.

00:27:36Marc:Where's this going?

00:27:38Guest:No, it was because I listened to the podcast and I was going through like a breakup.

00:27:43Guest:And then you said something, like some piece of advice on a podcast.

00:27:47Guest:I was like...

00:27:48Guest:Oh, that actually makes sense.

00:27:50Guest:It was the thing about being like just a guy on a couch.

00:27:53Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:27:53Marc:The guy on the couch thing.

00:27:55Marc:What was that?

00:27:56Guest:What's the advice?

00:27:56Guest:It was basically, I can't even, I can't recount it.

00:27:59Marc:I can tell you exactly what it is.

00:28:00Marc:Okay.

00:28:01Marc:It's a story that was passed on to me from a guy.

00:28:03Marc:It was a friend of mine.

00:28:06Marc:He called up his friend.

00:28:06Marc:He goes, I'm fucking losing my mind.

00:28:08Marc:Everything's shitty.

00:28:09Marc:My life sucks.

00:28:10Marc:It's all going down the toilet.

00:28:11Marc:I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

00:28:13Marc:It's all fucking horrible.

00:28:15Marc:And the guy on the phone says, where are you?

00:28:16Marc:And his friend said, I'm on my couch.

00:28:18Marc:He goes, you're just a guy on a couch.

00:28:22Guest:That made so much sense to me at the time.

00:28:24Guest:And so I wrote you this email.

00:28:26Guest:And I go, man, that guy on the couch thing is really working for me when I'm not taking Vicodin and texting her that she's a whore.

00:28:34Guest:And then your response was, hey, man, at least you're trying.

00:28:39Guest:And I was like, all right.

00:28:41Marc:So I helped.

00:28:42Marc:Yeah, you did.

00:28:42Marc:Oh, good, man.

00:28:43Marc:Well, I'm happy to hear that.

00:28:44Marc:I didn't think you were a dick.

00:28:45Marc:I just get used to saying that.

00:28:47Marc:And I got nothing against young comics.

00:28:48Marc:I love people that are funny, and you're fucking funny.

00:28:51Marc:Oh, thank you very much.

00:28:51Marc:Yeah, I wouldn't have people on my show I didn't think were funny.

00:28:53Marc:You know, I'm becoming a prickly old guy, but you seem to be doing a good job.

00:28:57Marc:How the hell did you get the writing jobs?

00:28:59Guest:That started, I came out here from Boston.

00:29:02Guest:Did you go to college?

00:29:03Guest:I did, at Emerson.

00:29:05Guest:Oh, Emerson.

00:29:06Guest:Now I'm going to start with the faces.

00:29:07Guest:Right, I know.

00:29:07Guest:There you go.

00:29:08Guest:No, but Emerson's like a...

00:29:10Guest:Emerson, it's kind of a school.

00:29:12Guest:Couldn't get into Harvard.

00:29:15Guest:No, but Emerson was a school.

00:29:16Guest:It's the Harvard of Emerson.

00:29:17Marc:David Cross.

00:29:20Marc:David Cross went there.

00:29:22Guest:Eddie Pearl went there.

00:29:22Guest:He had a short stint.

00:29:23Marc:Everyone had short stints there.

00:29:24Marc:Dennis Leary went there.

00:29:26Marc:Who else?

00:29:26Guest:Leno.

00:29:27Marc:Leno.

00:29:28Marc:Winkler.

00:29:29Marc:Winkler?

00:29:30Marc:Henry?

00:29:31Marc:No, shit.

00:29:32Marc:Is that what made you go?

00:29:33Marc:Yeah.

00:29:34Marc:You were like, the fucking Fonz?

00:29:35Marc:Are you shitting me?

00:29:37Marc:Where do I sign up?

00:29:38Guest:Do you sign up for college?

00:29:41Guest:At Emerson, you just sign up.

00:29:42Guest:There's a sheet in the Boston Commons.

00:29:47Guest:So what did you take there?

00:29:48Guest:Funny 101?

00:29:49Guest:Mushrooms.

00:29:51Guest:No, I took TV production.

00:29:56Guest:Yeah, I was going to learn how to make TVs.

00:29:58Guest:Did it help?

00:29:59Guest:Well, that didn't work out.

00:30:01Guest:And I was just doing stand-up, and then I came out here, and then I happened to be doing Largo on the same night as Sarah, and she saw me do stand-up, and she's like, come smoke, and then I did that.

00:30:11Guest:Oh, that's how you get the writing job.

00:30:13Guest:Right, basically.

00:30:14Guest:And then I didn't think anything of it, and then three months later she wrote me an email, and she's like, hey, you want to submit for my show?

00:30:20Guest:Oh, that's great, man.

00:30:21Guest:Yeah, and so then I did, and then I got it.

00:30:24Marc:And you're doing stand-up a lot.

00:30:26Guest:Well, it's hard when you're at parks for me to do stand-up.

00:30:31Guest:You can't really go on, you know, it's like a nine-to-nine job.

00:30:33Marc:But now how does that work for you?

00:30:35Marc:Because I've never put myself out there in any way.

00:30:38Marc:And I say this to comics too, and I'm honest about it.

00:30:40Marc:If you're a young comic, don't put all your eggs in the basket I put it in.

00:30:44Marc:It was touch and go there, dude.

00:30:45Marc:We fucking barely made it out.

00:30:48Marc:But the truth is, there's a good career in writing.

00:30:50Guest:There is, but your stand-up does suffer.

00:30:54Guest:You're not getting on stage every night.

00:30:55Guest:It's hard to get on stage and write new shit, and so every time I go on stage, it's like I'm doing old jokes, and I feel fucking fraudulent about it.

00:31:04Guest:So when you do stand-up, it's fear-based, and it's not fun now.

00:31:09Marc:Yeah, fear-based stand-up.

00:31:10Guest:I'm familiar with that.

00:31:11Guest:Yeah.

00:31:12Guest:Harris, you're a front-runner for next year's Perseverance Award.

00:31:15Guest:What was it, four months?

00:31:16Guest:You're out of here four months?

00:31:17Guest:Yeah.

00:31:17Guest:It's great.

00:31:18Guest:But you still, but Louie likes you.

00:31:20Guest:Mr. Struggle.

00:31:22Guest:I was a nanny.

00:31:23Guest:I was a nanny for a whole year.

00:31:25Guest:A nanny?

00:31:25Guest:A nanny.

00:31:26Guest:What are you talking about?

00:31:27Guest:He was in the show The Nanny.

00:31:29Guest:I was a writer for The Nanny.

00:31:32Guest:When you were 10?

00:31:34Guest:No, that was my job.

00:31:36Guest:On Craigslist, I applied for just, like, whatever I could get.

00:31:38Guest:So I could do stand-up.

00:31:40Marc:Wait a minute.

00:31:41Guest:You just said, I'm a nanny on Craigslist?

00:31:42Guest:It was this weird French family.

00:31:44Guest:And I was sure in the email to say, my girlfriend's a nanny, so I'm good with kids.

00:31:49Guest:So they knew I had a girlfriend.

00:31:50Guest:I wasn't, like, a creepy guy.

00:31:51Guest:Did you have a girlfriend?

00:31:52Guest:I did, but she wasn't a nanny.

00:31:54Guest:But I wanted to get the job, and then they gave it to me.

00:31:56Guest:That's all you need?

00:31:57Guest:There was no references?

00:31:58Guest:I had to go in for an interview.

00:32:00Guest:What I did know is that the family was in the process of breaking, and the dad, they got divorced very soon.

00:32:07Guest:They were looking like a weird father figure for these two French kids.

00:32:10Guest:Yeah.

00:32:11Guest:And so that, kind in a weird way.

00:32:13Marc:So they figured, why not an insecure Jewish comic?

00:32:16Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:32:17Guest:Kel dommage.

00:32:18Guest:Kel dommage.

00:32:19Guest:So I imparted all of my Jewish wisdom on them.

00:32:22Guest:Cat allergies.

00:32:23Yeah.

00:32:25Marc:And they just let you watch these kids?

00:32:28Guest:Yeah.

00:32:28Marc:But did the mother lean on you like, that bastard?

00:32:31Guest:Yeah, she would kind of, yeah.

00:32:35Guest:Because I was also like his assistant at his business.

00:32:38Guest:Holy shit, you were like Kato Kaelin.

00:32:40Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:32:42Guest:Affair.

00:32:43Guest:Affair.

00:32:44Guest:Affair with the money.

00:32:45Guest:He would say these really fucked up things.

00:32:47Guest:I didn't like that guy at all.

00:32:49Guest:What did he say?

00:32:50Guest:He had this weird... So he would do mortgage stuff, and then he'd also sell black diamonds.

00:32:55Guest:And then he would have me cold call people about diamonds.

00:33:02Guest:That's a standard nanny thing.

00:33:03Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:33:06Guest:And it all seemed normal at the time.

00:33:07Guest:You're 22, and it's like, this is what working is.

00:33:11Guest:And then...

00:33:12Guest:As you're mixing up meth.

00:33:16Guest:But I remember one time that he was like, you know, when sometimes a black man was going to answer their phone and be very aware of how he is speaking.

00:33:28Guest:There's a well-spoken and there's a not well-spoken and do not waste time.

00:33:33Guest:And I was like, oh my God, this is, I have to get, this is, you're the worst person.

00:33:37Guest:This is an illegal diamond outfit and you're racist and you're not good for your children.

00:33:43Guest:And so I quickly, yeah, that was, luckily the Sarah thing came along.

00:33:47Guest:I got to leave that like weird fucked up.

00:33:49Marc:Oh my God.

00:33:50Marc:That sounds amazing.

00:33:51Marc:Yeah.

00:33:51Marc:No antisemitism though.

00:33:53Guest:No, I'm sure.

00:33:54Guest:I don't think he knew I was Jewish, actually.

00:33:56Guest:I don't know if I exude it.

00:33:58Guest:I might exude it.

00:33:59Guest:I don't know.

00:33:59Marc:I wasn't sure.

00:34:00Marc:Nothing indicates.

00:34:01Marc:He was a former member of the Vichy government.

00:34:07Marc:Too soon, I think.

00:34:08Guest:Too soon.

00:34:12Marc:But, no, I don't know.

00:34:14Guest:Andy, did you know Harris was Jewish?

00:34:16Guest:You know, I didn't know him, but he's so handsome.

00:34:18Guest:I didn't think he was.

00:34:21Guest:No, you're handsome, too.

00:34:23Guest:Both of you make me feel horrible.

00:34:25Guest:No, you're... I have a gut.

00:34:26Guest:I'm constantly just sucking in all the time.

00:34:28Guest:What do you say, like, look at me and say you have a gut?

00:34:30Guest:What does that mean?

00:34:32Guest:I think you're very... I'm trying to tell you that I'm not that... You're cute.

00:34:36Marc:You're cute, Andy.

00:34:36Marc:You're a very cute man.

00:34:37Guest:There's really no reason for you to say that.

00:34:39Marc:No, your face hasn't aged in 20 years.

00:34:42Marc:I know.

00:34:42Marc:I've had a lot of work done.

00:34:45Marc:Actual spackle.

00:34:47Marc:All right, so wait.

00:34:49Marc:But Louis takes you out.

00:34:50Marc:I know Louis.

00:34:50Marc:How was that experience for you?

00:34:53Guest:The first time that I went out with him, I got a call that night.

00:34:58Guest:We have the same manager.

00:34:59Marc:I had that manager once.

00:35:01Marc:We're not going to talk about it.

00:35:03Marc:I got nothing but good feelings now.

00:35:06Marc:I'm over everything.

00:35:08Marc:I'm over the Holocaust, the divorce.

00:35:11Marc:I'm overthinking there's any justice in the world and I'm done with resenting anything.

00:35:18Marc:It's all right now is what's happening.

00:35:20Marc:Tomorrow I'm getting my nose operated on.

00:35:21Marc:Go ahead.

00:35:22Guest:You can stay upset about the Holocaust.

00:35:25Guest:That's true.

00:35:25Guest:That's not one of those things that you need to get closure on.

00:35:28Guest:No, I don't.

00:35:29Guest:I finally got closure on the Holocaust.

00:35:33Guest:People do what they do.

00:35:34Guest:You gotta accept it.

00:35:39Guest:Can't change anybody.

00:35:40Guest:You have to change.

00:35:42Guest:They don't have to change.

00:35:45Marc:All right, so Louis calls you and goes, is this Harris?

00:35:50Guest:The guy called me, and he was like, he's playing this weird place in San Luis Obispo.

00:35:57Guest:Is that a place?

00:35:58Marc:Yeah, San Luis Obispo, yeah.

00:35:59Guest:Yeah, it was this weird roadhouse.

00:36:00Marc:I opened for Keith Robinson there in 1989.

00:36:02Marc:Thank you.

00:36:02Marc:Go ahead.

00:36:03Guest:There you go.

00:36:04Guest:Was that when he had the fade?

00:36:05Marc:Yes.

00:36:06Marc:See?

00:36:06Guest:I listen to every episode.

00:36:07Marc:Okay.

00:36:09Guest:And then I went and I met Louie beforehand.

00:36:12Guest:I was very nervous.

00:36:12Guest:I was a fan of Louie's.

00:36:13Guest:And this place seemed kind of rough.

00:36:15Guest:It was just like this weird... There was a lot of locals and it was a roadside theater.

00:36:19Guest:A roadside theater?

00:36:21Guest:You seen that?

00:36:21Guest:I don't know what that means.

00:36:23Guest:I don't know what a road... It was like... It felt like a place in a roadhouse or something.

00:36:28Guest:It seemed like that sort of thing.

00:36:31Guest:But I did fine.

00:36:32Guest:And then afterwards, Louie was basically like, don't use your fucking notebook.

00:36:38Guest:He told me not to use it.

00:36:39Guest:I had a notebook out there, which I learned that night to not use a notebook.

00:36:43Guest:I didn't know that until then.

00:36:45Marc:Did he hit your hand?

00:36:48Guest:Bad.

00:36:48Guest:Yeah, but I took it as the truth, and then I got rid of it because it was coming from Louie, and I was like, yeah, I guess I shouldn't use a notebook.

00:36:55Guest:And then he wrote this thing on a special thing.

00:36:57Guest:You know that?

00:36:57Guest:Yeah, a special thing, yeah.

00:36:59Guest:And he wrote this thing which was very weird and it was flattering.

00:37:02Guest:It was also... He just basically critiqued my performance.

00:37:05Guest:It was... I didn't know why he did it but he got on a special thing and he goes, I'd like to just review Harris Whittles now.

00:37:12Yeah.

00:37:12Marc:He did this on a blog.

00:37:13Marc:On a blog.

00:37:14Marc:AST is a big comedy nerd blog.

00:37:16Marc:Yeah.

00:37:17Marc:And how'd that go?

00:37:18Guest:And he was like, I first saw Harris.

00:37:22Guest:I thought he was just a little nerd.

00:37:24Guest:And this audience was going to eat him alive.

00:37:26Guest:And so he was just talking.

00:37:27Guest:And I was like, oh, man.

00:37:28Guest:So that's what he thought of me.

00:37:31Guest:But he did okay.

00:37:32Guest:I think he's going to be a strong comic once he stops talking about weed and jerking off.

00:37:37Guest:And...

00:37:39Guest:But that was my life experience.

00:37:40Guest:That's still my life experience.

00:37:42Guest:I don't know when that's going to change or if that'll change.

00:37:45Guest:Still, like, it's the same subject matter, just different jokes.

00:37:48Guest:So I feel like I am kind of letting him down in a way.

00:37:51Guest:But you just have to write what you know.

00:37:54Guest:But no, I mean, I think that if you just... I was at a Phish concert last night, and I...

00:37:57Marc:Oh, my God.

00:37:58Guest:Really?

00:37:58Guest:Yeah, some groggy.

00:37:59Marc:See, me and Andy are dead guys.

00:38:01Guest:I was just hearing that.

00:38:02Guest:Yeah, with the fish thing.

00:38:03Guest:I don't understand the fish thing.

00:38:04Marc:Well, I think what you got to do is maybe what Louie's saying is lose the weed jokes and expand the jerking off jokes.

00:38:12Marc:Right.

00:38:13Marc:Don't be afraid to talk about jerking off.

00:38:15Marc:Just put it into different situations and use it to tag your jokes with.

00:38:19Guest:Tie it into bestiality.

00:38:20Marc:Yeah, whatever you want.

00:38:21Guest:That makes sense.

00:38:22Marc:Yeah, and whenever you're in a pinch, just jerk off.

00:38:27Guest:On stage?

00:38:29Marc:Just where you can act like it.

00:38:30Guest:Oh, right, right, right.

00:38:30Marc:Anytime you do that motion anywhere in the air, here, over here, back here.

00:38:35Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:38:36Marc:Anytime you make the jerk-off motion, pow.

00:38:38Marc:Out of context, it's great.

00:38:40Marc:Hey, how's everyone doing tonight?

00:38:41Marc:What's going on with my hand?

00:38:43Marc:They'll know what's happening.

00:38:45Marc:This has been a great interview with you.

00:38:49Marc:Harris Whittles, ladies and gentlemen.

00:38:54Marc:Oh, my God.

00:38:55Marc:I'm very excited and nervous about the next guest.

00:38:59Marc:She was on SNL.

00:39:01Marc:She's hilarious.

00:39:02Marc:You all know her.

00:39:03Marc:I cannot even go through all her credits.

00:39:05Marc:Please welcome Molly Shannon.

00:39:07Marc:Yeah.

00:39:08Yeah.

00:39:09Marc:Yes!

00:39:14Marc:Look it!

00:39:16Marc:You brought your purse?

00:39:19Marc:You didn't want to leave it back there with Neil Hamburger?

00:39:21Marc:I could see why you would bring your purse.

00:39:27Marc:Looking at him makes me uncomfortable.

00:39:28Marc:If I had a purse, I wouldn't leave it back there.

00:39:31Marc:How are you?

00:39:31Marc:You look lovely.

00:39:32Guest:Thank you, Mark.

00:39:33Guest:I'm so happy to be here.

00:39:35Guest:I'm really excited to be on your show.

00:39:37Marc:It's very exciting that you're here, because I think you're fucking hilarious.

00:39:40Guest:Aw, thank you.

00:39:41Marc:But you know what's interesting?

00:39:42Marc:You're fucking hilarious, but you can also do real acting.

00:39:45Guest:Thank you, thank you.

00:39:46Guest:Yeah, well, actually, yeah, I've never done stand-up or anything, but yeah, I went to drama school.

00:39:52Guest:You did?

00:39:52Guest:I was just a regular actress.

00:39:53Guest:Yeah, so I kind of got into comedy just by accident.

00:39:56Guest:I was a very serious, dramatic actress.

00:39:58Guest:Really?

00:39:58Guest:Yes.

00:39:59Marc:And was the funny thing a surprise?

00:40:01Marc:Were you in the middle of something dramatic, and you did something hilarious, and you were like, fuck this?

00:40:05Guest:It was...

00:40:06Guest:It was like regular drama school, and it was always like doing sense memory and all this stuff, like recalling your grandmother's death and very serious.

00:40:13Guest:And then they had a comedy show that they were having auditions for.

00:40:17Guest:And so I just auditioned for that.

00:40:20Guest:And they had us do this little exercise where you could just come through the door and introduce yourself and make up a character.

00:40:26Guest:And I was like, I like this.

00:40:27Guest:You didn't have to think about previous memories.

00:40:30Guest:And it just felt really natural to me.

00:40:32Marc:So the whole crying thing on purpose, can you do that?

00:40:35Guest:Can I do that?

00:40:36Guest:You mean right now?

00:40:38Marc:Can we work towards that?

00:40:39Marc:That's never happened before.

00:40:42Marc:That'd be a first on WTF.

00:40:43Guest:Can you make yourself cry?

00:40:45Marc:Yeah, maybe.

00:40:49Marc:I can't say.

00:40:51Marc:I bet you could.

00:40:52Marc:It's always just right here.

00:40:54Marc:Just between my heart and my throat, there's tears waiting to happen.

00:40:58Marc:They usually happen inappropriately, like in the middle of a speech at Montreal.

00:41:03Marc:That was bad.

00:41:04Marc:I just gave a speech for the industry, and I got choked up, and it was one of the most powerful moments of my life because I was like, two things could happen here.

00:41:13Marc:You could continue crying.

00:41:15Marc:Or you could finish a speech.

00:41:17Marc:I opted for finishing the speech because I don't know if it would have gone over as well if I just continued crying.

00:41:22Marc:Why are we talking about this?

00:41:25Marc:No, I cry at commercials and I cry a lot when I watch Chopped.

00:41:28Marc:When I watch...

00:41:32Marc:Do you ever watch Chopped?

00:41:33Marc:No, what is that?

00:41:34Marc:It's on the Food Network.

00:41:34Marc:It's spectacular.

00:41:35Marc:They take these chefs, and they're at different levels of chefdom, and they bring four of them out, and they give them baskets, and they have to create a full meal, one basket at a time, but the basket always has things in it like, you know, duck liver, cottage cheese, a head, and an apple.

00:41:52Yeah.

00:41:53Marc:So when they do it and they pull it off and they get really emotional because they just made that work, I choke up.

00:42:03Marc:What, Andy?

00:42:04Marc:It's real.

00:42:05Guest:It was a moving rendition of it.

00:42:09Marc:But Molly, I love talking about, I don't want to go too far back, but I love talking about Warren Michaels because I'm just waiting for somebody to tell me something slightly odd about him.

00:42:18Guest:I know I've listened to you in the interviews.

00:42:21Guest:You'd like to ask about him.

00:42:23Marc:I want to interview him so bad.

00:42:24Marc:You do?

00:42:25Guest:Yeah, because... He's actually a great interviewer.

00:42:28Marc:I'm sure he'd love to talk.

00:42:30Guest:Yeah, he's very serious.

00:42:31Marc:I just need closure, man.

00:42:32Guest:Okay, so what do you need closure about?

00:42:34Guest:So just tell me the... Why do you need closure?

00:42:37Guest:Why'd he hurt me?

00:42:38Guest:but what do you care now i don't you're doing so great i just want to hear that from him okay he gets that from a lot of people yeah yeah he has like a father you know i think a lot of people need him that way he's like the father that left me and abandoned me after saying that he he brought me into a room and says oh it might be your father

00:43:00Guest:But no.

00:43:02Marc:And that was it.

00:43:07Guest:Oh, I'm sorry, Mark.

00:43:08Marc:It's okay.

00:43:09Marc:I'm not going to cry.

00:43:11Guest:But was he a good father to you?

00:43:12Guest:He was a good father.

00:43:13Guest:Yes, he was.

00:43:15Guest:I didn't need him that way because I felt like I saw so many people who would just be like, you know, perform and then they'd be like, what is he thinking?

00:43:22Guest:He's going to say something to me and I need that.

00:43:24Guest:And I didn't, I didn't, I felt like I didn't want to need that from him.

00:43:27Guest:Like I wanted to be my own judge and decide if I did a good job and not need that from him.

00:43:32Guest:So I think he liked that.

00:43:34Guest:So we had a good relationship.

00:43:37Marc:Well, what about on set?

00:43:38Marc:Did he fuck with your head?

00:43:39Guest:No.

00:43:40Guest:Never?

00:43:41Marc:No.

00:43:41Guest:Are you sure?

00:43:42Guest:Let me just see here.

00:43:43Guest:Honestly, he's very... I found him to be very fair.

00:43:47Guest:He would always put on what was funny.

00:43:50Guest:Sometimes he would be... He would give notes like, Molly, we don't need your wig to be the co-star in this sketch.

00:43:58Guest:He'd say stuff like that.

00:44:01Guest:But it was more funny.

00:44:02Guest:I don't know.

00:44:03Guest:I really had a great relationship with him.

00:44:05Marc:Is it possible that almost every cast member of SNL has some sort of Stockholm Syndrome?

00:44:13Marc:around this figure.

00:44:19Marc:He cut that sketch.

00:44:20Marc:He cut that sketch.

00:44:22Marc:That means that the hostage starts to identify.

00:44:26Guest:Oh, I know all about it.

00:44:29Marc:I like to call it marriage.

00:44:33Guest:We both change roles.

00:44:35Marc:I play hostage and then I put that on her.

00:44:37Marc:But they don't usually choose.

00:44:39Marc:I decide who's hostage and who's the person holding the hostage.

00:44:43Marc:I can go either way.

00:44:44Marc:How long have you been married?

00:44:46Guest:I've been married for...

00:44:50Guest:Since 2004.

00:44:52Guest:Wow.

00:44:52Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:44:54Marc:And you have children?

00:44:55Guest:To a great husband.

00:44:56Guest:I have two kids.

00:44:57Guest:I have a little... Yes.

00:44:59Guest:And he's a big fan of your show.

00:45:00Guest:Oh, I like him.

00:45:01Guest:He's an artist.

00:45:02Guest:He's a painter.

00:45:02Marc:Oh, I love painters.

00:45:04Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:45:04Marc:That takes a lot of perseverance.

00:45:06Guest:I know.

00:45:07Marc:Now... I don't mean... Yeah.

00:45:11Marc:Is he great?

00:45:12Yeah.

00:45:12Guest:He is very talented.

00:45:14Guest:What else are you going to say?

00:45:15Guest:Yeah, no.

00:45:16Guest:He's very, very talented, and he's funny, and he's a really good father, and I feel really lucky.

00:45:23Marc:But painting, I mean, I'm so impressed with people that can paint.

00:45:27Marc:I know.

00:45:28Marc:Because he's been a painter for how long?

00:45:32Guest:Just, he's been doing it all his life.

00:45:35Guest:He started when he was really, well, he used to draw when he was little, and then I think he got into painting in maybe high school, but probably a little bit before that too, but then went to art school.

00:45:43Guest:Big canvases?

00:45:44Guest:Yeah, big canvases.

00:45:45Guest:Really?

00:45:45Marc:A lot of color?

00:45:47Guest:Yes, lots of color.

00:45:48Marc:And you look at them and you say, holy shit, it's finished.

00:45:52Guest:Well, it's interesting because it's so different.

00:45:54Guest:Yeah, I think it's so different than showbiz where it's so collaborative.

00:45:57Guest:There's so many people.

00:45:58Guest:It's just him, and that's it.

00:46:00Guest:It's over when it's done.

00:46:01Guest:It's all him, and so it's very different that way.

00:46:04Marc:So he paints at the house like he's got a studio?

00:46:06Guest:He has a studio, and we used to live in New York, so he did shows there.

00:46:09Guest:He showed at Bellwether, and now he's doing shows here, and he curates shows.

00:46:13Marc:Holy fuck, that's like the real world of art.

00:46:16Guest:Yeah.

00:46:17Guest:It's a whole different world, and I didn't know that much about it before I met him, so it's a fun world to be in and learn about.

00:46:23Guest:Yeah.

00:46:24Guest:You went to Catholic school for real?

00:46:25Guest:I did, yeah, for eight years.

00:46:27Guest:Did that fuck you up bad?

00:46:29Guest:Well, it was very... Let me see.

00:46:32Guest:I was raised by my dad from the time I was really little.

00:46:35Guest:Yeah.

00:46:35Guest:my we were in a really bad car accident when i was really little i was four and my dad was driving and my mom was killed and my little sister was three and my cousin so it was very hard on my dad he had to recover he he was very badly injured so we went to live with my aunt so it was very complicated it was a lot of sadness from a very young age yeah

00:46:57Guest:But then also my dad was like a real survivor.

00:47:00Guest:He drank when we were little, but then he got into recovery.

00:47:05Guest:Oh, good.

00:47:06Guest:I think it was that generation of, you know, he was very Catholic, but repressed in a lot of ways, so there was some sadness with that.

00:47:15Guest:But he was also really charismatic and fun and would do anything, and he was real wild.

00:47:21Guest:Like what?

00:47:22Guest:Oh, God.

00:47:22Guest:that was such a great build up like we're gonna go on the roller coaster with no seatbelts like we would do crazy stuff like we would go to the airport and we'd be like let's take a you know a mystery trip and we would have no you know no suitcases or anything and it was when they had those those airlines where you could pay right on the airplane do you remember that people's express you didn't have to even fly under your name in the old days yeah anybody's name so you

00:47:44Guest:So we would go to the airport, pick a city, and just fly to the city, and then borrow clothes when we got there, or buy clothes, like crazy stuff.

00:47:54Guest:And my dad would call in sick for me to school, like very expensive, crazy.

00:47:58Marc:Sounds like a great father.

00:48:00Marc:Come on, fuck school, we're going on an airplane.

00:48:04Guest:He had depression, and I think he would also could be really, he'd go up and down.

00:48:09Marc:Sure, that's exciting.

00:48:10Guest:So I think he had fun.

00:48:12Marc:I have one of those.

00:48:13Marc:It's very exciting.

00:48:14Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:48:15Marc:Like you literally went to cities, and you just not, you didn't have clothes, so you'd buy clothes.

00:48:19Guest:Yeah, I'd borrow a bathing suit from the woman that worked behind the counter, and you know, like crazy, crazy stuff like that.

00:48:24Guest:And then...

00:48:25Guest:I hopped a plane when I was 12.

00:48:27Guest:We told my dad, me and my friend, and we're like, we're going to hop a plane to New York.

00:48:30Guest:And he was like, he dared us.

00:48:31Guest:Yeah.

00:48:32Guest:How old were you?

00:48:33Guest:We were like 12.

00:48:33Guest:Oh, good.

00:48:34Guest:That's good.

00:48:35Guest:We went to the airport and we had ballet outfits on and we put our hair in buns and we wanted to look really innocent.

00:48:42Guest:And this was, again, when flying was really easy, you didn't need your ticket to get through.

00:48:44Marc:Apparently you didn't need an adult either.

00:48:47Guest:Yeah.

00:48:47Guest:And we told my dad, and we were just like, we saw there were two flights.

00:48:50Guest:We were either going to go to San Francisco or New York.

00:48:51Guest:And we thought, oh, let's go to New York.

00:48:53Guest:It's leaving early.

00:48:54Guest:So we went.

00:48:54Guest:We said to the stewardess, we just want to say goodbye to my sister.

00:48:57Guest:Can we go on the plane?

00:48:57Guest:And she was like, sure.

00:48:58Guest:And then she let us on.

00:49:00Guest:And it was a really empty flight because it was out of Cleveland, Ohio.

00:49:03Guest:And we sat back there.

00:49:05Guest:And then all of a sudden, you just hear like, the plane takes off.

00:49:09Guest:We were like...

00:49:11Guest:And then the stewardess that had given us permission to go say goodbye to my sister came by to ask if we wanted snacks or beverages.

00:49:28Guest:And she was like, can I get you ladies something to eat?

00:49:32Guest:She looked like she was like, oh no.

00:49:34Guest:motherfucker.

00:49:35Guest:You know, so she, so we wondered if we were going to get in trouble, but she ended up not telling anyone.

00:49:41Guest:And then when we landed in New York City, she was like, bye ladies.

00:49:45Guest:Have a nice trip.

00:49:53Yeah.

00:49:53Marc:It's such an exciting story, but the irresponsibility of all the adults in this story is somehow undermining my appreciation of it.

00:50:02Marc:You were 12-year-old girls in fucking ballet outfits, and everybody's sort of like, have a good time.

00:50:08Marc:What world was that?

00:50:10Guest:It was a crazy world.

00:50:11Marc:What did you do in New York?

00:50:12Marc:And now you can say, we got drunk, and we went to a...

00:50:15Guest:Well, again, because I had a crazy childhood, we called my dad.

00:50:18Guest:We were like, we did it.

00:50:20Guest:And he was like, oh, dad, Molly.

00:50:22Guest:Oh, geez, we'll try to.

00:50:23Guest:So basically, he couldn't say.

00:50:25Guest:Try to what?

00:50:26Guest:He didn't know what to do.

00:50:27Guest:He said, try to see if you could stay.

00:50:29Guest:Go find a hotel that you could stay in.

00:50:31Guest:Oh, my God.

00:50:31Guest:Me and Mary, my sister, will come meet you.

00:50:34Guest:We'll drive there.

00:50:35Guest:So basically, we were like, all right, we'll try to find a hotel.

00:50:37Guest:But he was kind of excited because he liked crazy stuff.

00:50:39Guest:but basically we didn't have that much we just had our ballet bags and a little bit of cash so we went to a diner and we dined and dash and we stole things we were like little con artists wait did you actually make it to the city we made it to the city we just asked people i was like how do you get to rockefeller center because i just seen tv and you're still in your ballet outfit ballet yeah nobody said are you girls lost nothing like that no nothing

00:51:05Guest:They went to a bar and they got drank up, ladies.

00:51:09Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:51:10Guest:So we did try to go to hotels and my dad would call and ask, could they just stay there till we get there?

00:51:14Guest:And none of the hotels wanted to be responsible.

00:51:16Guest:Oh my God.

00:51:17Guest:So he was like, he was like, oh, you got to come home.

00:51:19Guest:And he was like, but I'm not paying for it.

00:51:21Guest:So try to hop on one on the way back.

00:51:25Guest:So we tried to hop on many planes, but the flights were all so crowded.

00:51:30Guest:So we ended up having to have him pay for it, and he made us pay it all back with our babysitting money.

00:51:37Marc:So that was the big punishment?

00:51:39Guest:Yeah, there was no punishment.

00:51:40Guest:punishment no i know i mean clearly was there any sort of like oh you survived i was just testing you he loved that kind of stuff like i said he was wild he used to in his drinking days he would you know go to bars and if somebody didn't let him in he'd be like damn it you know he'd go go into the bar and knock all the glasses down he was like a kind of guy who could maybe get arrested like it was crazy

00:52:03Marc:I love the sort of strange nostalgic excitement you have for this borderline child abuse.

00:52:15Guest:Yeah, it was complicated.

00:52:16Marc:Oh, now you're going to say that?

00:52:18Marc:Yeah, there's just one story that's complicated.

00:52:20Guest:But he was also a very loving parent.

00:52:23Guest:I think it's complicated.

00:52:25Guest:He was also really supportive and kind of made me feel like I could do anything and

00:52:30Guest:And so in that way, it felt really free and wild.

00:52:33Guest:But then in other ways, I had to learn the rules of how regular people live.

00:52:38Guest:From other people, I'm taking it.

00:52:40Guest:Yeah, from other people.

00:52:42Guest:Like professionals.

00:52:44Guest:Like people you pay.

00:52:46Guest:You know what I mean.

00:52:47Marc:I do know what you mean.

00:52:48Marc:I have them in my life.

00:52:51Guest:A man or a woman.

00:52:52Marc:I talked to Richard Lewis for an hour and a half, and I think that covered me for about three years.

00:52:58LAUGHTER

00:52:58Marc:like i just bond i talk to comedians that's what i do that's how i get help yeah yeah yeah it works pretty well i mean you know i still i'm about to talk about myself again i love hearing about your childhood my my parents would leave me at home to get away they wouldn't be like you know you well they'd send me to camp and stuff that it took me a long time to realize that was just to get us out of the house you know did you go to camp um

00:53:21Marc:You didn't have to.

00:53:22Guest:You just went wherever the fuck you wanted to.

00:53:23Guest:I went to a Catholic campus once.

00:53:24Guest:Yeah, I could do whatever.

00:53:25Marc:What is the Catholic thing, man?

00:53:26Marc:Does it propel you to be bad?

00:53:29Marc:Like when you're Catholic, it seems like does it make you want to be dirty and filthy?

00:53:33Guest:That's a good question.

00:53:34Guest:We're all Jews here.

00:53:36Guest:I thought it was really weird having to...

00:53:39Guest:be a girl and go to, we would have to go tell our sins to a priest to confession.

00:53:43Guest:And, and I remember, and then we had to do face to face confessions.

00:53:48Guest:And I just thought that was so weird.

00:53:50Guest:So I would go in and say like, you know, I masturbated, but I thought I didn't really feel bad about it.

00:53:55Guest:But then I kept going back to the same one.

00:53:56Guest:I was like, father, forgive me for asking.

00:53:59Guest:I masturbated again.

00:54:00Guest:And it was just kind of like the same day.

00:54:05Guest:Maybe, but I thought, I thought this,

00:54:06Guest:just like go into the back of the church and do it and come back like i'm back i did it right over there how does that make you feel father father yeah so in that way it does make you want to be bad because i was like i i like the whole thing of having to go tell this man that i masturbated and i didn't think it was really bad but i like having to go confess it hear what he would say what did he say

00:54:30Guest:he was like, oh, that's very bad.

00:54:32Guest:Can't do that.

00:54:34Guest:You've got to say, five are fathers.

00:54:36Guest:I've healed Mary's, and don't do that anymore.

00:54:39Guest:You know, just like crazy.

00:54:40Marc:And then when you came back, was he like, here we go again?

00:54:44Marc:No bad priests?

00:54:46Marc:I'm sorry, it's just out there in the world.

00:54:47Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:54:49Guest:No.

00:54:51Guest:Nothing that I knew about in our school.

00:54:53Guest:Well, that's good.

00:54:54Marc:It's a pleasure talking to you.

00:54:56Guest:Will you hang out, though?

00:54:57Marc:Because I'm going to bring Neil up.

00:54:59Marc:Molly Shannon, ladies and gentlemen.

00:55:03Marc:That was one of the greatest stories ever told.

00:55:09Marc:Next up is a veteran comedian.

00:55:12Marc:Yeah, move the purse, because I don't know what the hell we're in for.

00:55:15Marc:Let me move some other stuff here.

00:55:17Marc:What spilled?

00:55:19Marc:I think Neil will be okay.

00:55:20Marc:I recently heard that he had some trouble up in Canada, and he's a veteran and a legend.

00:55:26Marc:Please welcome to stage Neil Hamburger.

00:55:37Guest:I'm sorry.

00:55:40Guest:You got enough water?

00:55:45Marc:Is that the wrong entrance?

00:55:49Marc:Yeah, I don't know even how the hell you found that entrance.

00:55:53Marc:Hi, friends.

00:55:53Marc:Hi, Mr. Hamburger.

00:55:56Marc:How you doing, Andy?

00:55:57Marc:Everyone knows each other.

00:56:01Marc:I'm thrilled that you're here.

00:56:03Marc:I've been watching your work for a few years.

00:56:08Marc:And I guess the first thing we should cover is, do you ever think about getting that cough fixed?

00:56:14Guest:There's nothing wrong with a cough.

00:56:15Guest:This is a good cough.

00:56:17Guest:I was using this cough for a cartoon series.

00:56:20Guest:They needed a good cough.

00:56:21Guest:Why do I want to get that fixed?

00:56:23Guest:And I'm out of work.

00:56:25Guest:You do cough voiceover work?

00:56:28Guest:I did some today for Disney.

00:56:31Guest:Yeah.

00:56:32Guest:Yeah.

00:56:32Guest:Mickey Mouse is very sick, and the guy that does his voice can't get a good cough.

00:56:37Guest:They called me in.

00:56:39Guest:I'll never get this fixed.

00:56:41Marc:That's good, man.

00:56:43Marc:So what the hell happened up in Canada?

00:56:45Marc:I heard... Oh, boy.

00:56:47Marc:Oh, boy.

00:56:49Marc:This is a true thing.

00:56:53Yeah.

00:56:57Guest:Well, we had some good shows up there.

00:56:58Guest:I don't want to disparage the Canadians.

00:57:00Guest:These are some of my favorite people, really.

00:57:03Guest:But it just takes one bad egg, you know?

00:57:06Guest:One bad penny.

00:57:07Guest:But do you remember... They do have pennies up there.

00:57:09Marc:Yeah.

00:57:10Marc:Do you remember what happened?

00:57:11Guest:I mean, what was your... Yeah, a girl came up on stage, a sickie, I like to call them, a sickie.

00:57:16Guest:Uh-huh.

00:57:17Guest:And I guess she was upset at something I had said to her as she walked out of the building during my show, interrupting one of my punchlines.

00:57:26Uh-huh.

00:57:26Guest:So, you know, you do say things to people on their way out the door.

00:57:29Marc:What did you say?

00:57:30Guest:Well, it's not something you can say on a family radio show like this.

00:57:34Marc:But this is not a family radio show, I think.

00:57:36Guest:Well, this is not something I'd say normally.

00:57:38Guest:Well, what was it?

00:57:38Guest:But you have to realize this person was heckling and being a garbage mouth and being horrible and stiffed the bar for $85 worth of drinks.

00:57:48Guest:Okay.

00:57:49Guest:And as she left the building, this was a sold-out house.

00:57:51Guest:This was a packed nightclub.

00:57:53Guest:When she got out the door...

00:57:55Guest:I said, under my breath, into the microphone, you little whore.

00:57:59Guest:And she heard this.

00:58:01Guest:I don't know how.

00:58:02Guest:It wasn't even intended for her.

00:58:04Guest:It was intended for the audience to make them laugh and forget their problems.

00:58:07Guest:You know, something fun to brighten up the room.

00:58:10Guest:And...

00:58:12Guest:So she left.

00:58:13Guest:She's gone for 15 minutes.

00:58:16Guest:I'm telling a joke, and this was a very funny joke.

00:58:19Guest:I don't remember what it was.

00:58:20Guest:And I feel a punch in the face, and I turn around.

00:58:25Guest:She's on the stage.

00:58:26Guest:She's just swinging and hitting.

00:58:28Guest:Then she grabs one of my glasses and smashes it over my head.

00:58:32Guest:Jesus.

00:58:33Guest:Yeah, I mean, that's not what we signed up for in this business.

00:58:36Marc:No, not at all.

00:58:37Marc:Now, did you continue the show, or did you work with it?

00:58:41Marc:How did...

00:58:42Guest:Somebody tackled her.

00:58:46Guest:It wasn't me.

00:58:46Guest:I would not do that.

00:58:47Guest:That's not the type of thing I would do.

00:58:49Guest:This is a class act.

00:58:51Guest:And somebody tackled her and she was removed.

00:58:55Guest:And then I picked my drinks up off the floor and went right back into the next joke.

00:59:00Guest:I mean, that's how you do it.

00:59:01Guest:Look at that.

00:59:02Guest:That's what this is about.

00:59:04Guest:And that's what happened.

00:59:05Guest:They applauded.

00:59:06Guest:It was the best...

00:59:07Guest:applause of the night.

00:59:09Guest:That just goes to show what you need to do to get people to like you.

00:59:13Guest:It needs to be some sort of victim, and it's too bad.

00:59:17Marc:That's one reading of it, and I certainly appreciate it.

00:59:20Marc:Now, I know that was a big house, right, where you were playing.

00:59:25Marc:It was in Vancouver.

00:59:25Marc:It was outdoors.

00:59:26Marc:It was Calgary.

00:59:27Marc:I was actually there the weekend you were there.

00:59:30Marc:That's how I heard about it.

00:59:31Marc:Yeah, you were competing.

00:59:33Marc:Right.

00:59:33Marc:No.

00:59:34Marc:No.

00:59:34Marc:You were doing a big festival.

00:59:36Marc:I was doing a club and a hotel.

00:59:38Guest:I was doing a rock and roll festival, you know, with those sort of people.

00:59:41Marc:Sure.

00:59:42Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:59:42Marc:I understand that.

00:59:43Guest:You were playing to the folks that like to laugh.

00:59:45Guest:These people are just full of hate.

00:59:50Marc:So when you do, like, what's the biggest room you ever played?

00:59:54Guest:I wouldn't say it was a room, it was a stadium.

00:59:56Guest:It was the Olympic Stadium in Sydney, Australia.

00:59:59Guest:Really?

01:00:00Guest:Was it just you?

01:00:02Guest:Yeah, it was just me.

01:00:03Guest:No, it was not just me.

01:00:05Guest:We did four nights there, headline.

01:00:07Guest:No, it was a big, one of these horrible rock and roll shows, you know, you had all these horrible, the Foo Fighters.

01:00:15Guest:Has anyone heard this music?

01:00:18Guest:You don't like the food fires?

01:00:19Guest:Oh, my God.

01:00:20Guest:It was bad.

01:00:22Guest:It was real bad.

01:00:25Guest:What kind of music do you like?

01:00:26Guest:Well, you know, I like the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra.

01:00:30Guest:I like the Jimmy Dorsey Orchestra.

01:00:33Guest:I like Bow Wow Wow is one of my favorites.

01:00:36Guest:Oh, they have some good songs, guys.

01:00:38Marc:Come on.

01:00:39Marc:Didn't they do a cover of I Want Candy?

01:00:41Guest:They did, but that wasn't their best work.

01:00:43Guest:That was just the hit, you know.

01:00:46Oh.

01:00:46Marc:They did more than that one?

01:00:48Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:00:49Guest:They have a whole series of songs about illegal home taping and what you should do.

01:00:55Guest:Yeah, they had several songs on the topic.

01:00:59Guest:So you're at the Sydney Opera with a stadium.

01:01:03Guest:The Olympics, they built it for the 2000 Olympics.

01:01:05Guest:I mean, it's big.

01:01:06Marc:Oh, yeah.

01:01:07Marc:So now do you do well?

01:01:09Yeah.

01:01:10Guest:No, it was a disaster.

01:01:12Guest:I mean, there were people throwing shoes and coins and rocks.

01:01:17Guest:I mean, it was awful.

01:01:18Guest:Does this happen to you everywhere you go?

01:01:19Guest:No, it's just the bigger shows, you know.

01:01:22Marc:Now, what's the transition to a small room like?

01:01:25Guest:Well, we did a show in Tasmania, which I don't know if you folks know this.

01:01:31Guest:It's not that far from Sydney.

01:01:33Guest:And at a little pizza parlor about two weeks later, I think we had eight people there.

01:01:40Guest:But that's actually harder.

01:01:42Guest:Because when you have 60,000, 70,000 people, you're just looking out at a sea of pigs.

01:01:49Guest:You hate them, and they hate you.

01:01:52Guest:But when it's eight people, you're looking into their faces.

01:01:55Guest:You're seeing their eyes.

01:01:56Guest:Everything you do wrong, you can feel their response to it.

01:02:00Guest:It's very painful.

01:02:03Guest:What is the perfect performance situation for you?

01:02:06Guest:One where you get paid more than, you know, a couple of pizzas and ten bucks.

01:02:12Guest:Anything like that is perfect.

01:02:15Guest:Do you like Kajagugu?

01:02:18Guest:Yeah.

01:02:18Guest:Do you like Kajagugu?

01:02:19Guest:I mean, I've seen their name on shirts and things.

01:02:26Guest:Led Zeppelin?

01:02:27Guest:Anything?

01:02:28Guest:No.

01:02:29Guest:Okay.

01:02:29Guest:I mean, that's not for me.

01:02:32Marc:Now, when you started doing stand-up, when was that?

01:02:38Guest:I'd have to check with my manager about that.

01:02:40Guest:I don't know.

01:02:42Guest:They would have that written down somewhere.

01:02:54Marc:I'm doing it.

01:02:58Marc:Feels good, but it's not as good.

01:03:00Marc:Yeah, right?

01:03:01Marc:Yeah.

01:03:01Marc:That's what I've been telling people.

01:03:03Marc:Who were your influences?

01:03:04Marc:I mean, you know, what made you... Well, it's pretty obvious.

01:03:07Guest:Abbott and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, the Rich Brothers, Andrew Dice Clay, all the old-time legends that defined our generation.

01:03:22Yeah.

01:03:22Guest:Now, what about TV work, Neil?

01:03:23Guest:I mean, is that something that you want?

01:03:26Guest:Something that you do get occasionally.

01:03:27Guest:I mean, it's better than pizza parlor work, I can tell you that much.

01:03:31Marc:But what would be the perfect vehicle for you?

01:03:33Guest:I mean, not... We're doing a bowling show, trying to sell a bowling show, you know, to get kids interested in bowling again.

01:03:42Guest:LAUGHTER

01:03:43Guest:something of that nature sure sure i had a game show we did a game show with tim and eric oh okay did a whole pilot for this thing and i'll tell you what it was not well regarded by the by the folks that paid to have it made disaster what went wrong

01:04:02Guest:I don't know.

01:04:03Guest:I thought we had everything there.

01:04:05Guest:I mean, we had balls and we had lights and I had a muscle woman as my sidekick.

01:04:12Guest:And it was really something.

01:04:13Guest:But the folks at Adult Swim said, oh, don't ever mention this again.

01:04:19Guest:They didn't give us another chance to re-edit it, you know, to cut out the...

01:04:23Guest:The slow parts or the fast parts or whatever it is, they're all souped up on God knows what.

01:04:28Guest:I don't know if they wanted more flashy lights or what they wanted, but they just said, this is dead.

01:04:33Guest:Don't talk about it to us ever again.

01:04:35Marc:Do you still talk to Tim and Eric?

01:04:39Guest:Oh, yeah, all the time.

01:04:40Marc:I know those guys.

01:04:41Marc:Yeah, they don't want to come on the show.

01:04:43Marc:Oh, really?

01:04:44Marc:Yeah, I don't know what that's about.

01:04:45Guest:You know, you've got to get some better snacks backstage.

01:04:50Yeah.

01:04:50Guest:Yeah, no, you've got a problem with that.

01:04:51Guest:That's terrible.

01:04:53Guest:I mean, you go down to, even at the 99 cent only, you can get some good things, you know?

01:04:58Guest:I didn't, okay.

01:05:00Guest:It makes all the difference, folks.

01:05:02Marc:So snacks is where it's at?

01:05:04Marc:I think so.

01:05:04Marc:So if you get to a club or you get to a show and they don't have the proper snacks, you're fucking, that's it?

01:05:09Guest:No, it's more like if they do have the proper snacks, I'm very happy, but I don't expect them.

01:05:15Marc:They weren't here.

01:05:16Marc:No, I know they weren't here.

01:05:18Guest:I put some beer back there.

01:05:19Guest:That's not a snack.

01:05:23Guest:It is to some people.

01:05:24Guest:Well, those people have problems.

01:05:29Marc:So Noah, you're going to be working with Tim and Eric?

01:05:33Marc:Anything in the future?

01:05:34Marc:Anything we can talk about that you want to... I hope so.

01:05:37Guest:We did a big tour last year.

01:05:38Guest:That was a hell of a time.

01:05:40Guest:Yeah.

01:05:42Guest:I think they're interesting.

01:05:43Guest:Sometimes Tim and I play trivia.

01:05:44Guest:We have a little trivia team answering questions, that type of thing.

01:05:48Marc:Yeah, I like Tim and Eric because I don't want to just leave an interesting hanging because I don't like that word.

01:05:53Marc:But yeah, they fuck with me on a deeper level than I even understand.

01:06:00Marc:Do you find that's happening?

01:06:01Guest:Well, I just enjoy their company.

01:06:03Guest:Very, very nice people.

01:06:05Guest:Very warm and generous and very, very funny.

01:06:08Guest:You'll always laugh when you're in their hands.

01:06:11Guest:Andy, what's on your mind?

01:06:13Guest:Well, maybe you could shop that show somewhere else, the game show.

01:06:16Guest:You want to shop it for me?

01:06:19Guest:Because no one liked it.

01:06:21Guest:I mean, we liked it.

01:06:22Guest:A couple people liked it, but not the people that counted.

01:06:25Marc:What was the idea of the game show?

01:06:26Marc:What did you win, and how was it played?

01:06:29Guest:He won a trip to, I think it was Elko, Nevada.

01:06:34Guest:Yeah.

01:06:35Guest:Were you too slick?

01:06:38Guest:Did you get that kind of note?

01:06:39Guest:Too slick, too clean?

01:06:41Guest:No.

01:06:42Guest:They didn't like the lighting.

01:06:43Guest:They didn't like the lighting.

01:06:45Marc:I don't know why that wouldn't go with a trip to Elko.

01:06:48Guest:We had some good lighting people involved.

01:06:50Guest:That's a red herring when someone says they don't like the lighting.

01:06:56Guest:That's a Trojan horse.

01:06:57Marc:Yeah.

01:06:58Guest:Because the lighting was good.

01:06:59Guest:Better than in this room, I'll tell you.

01:07:01Guest:It's a good thing this is a podcast.

01:07:02Guest:Yeah.

01:07:03Guest:Because you can't see anything.

01:07:05Guest:I nearly broke my goddamn neck going up the stairs.

01:07:07Guest:Well, we'll have somebody walk you out.

01:07:10Guest:No, thank you.

01:07:12Marc:Neil Hamburger, ladies and gentlemen.

01:07:15Marc:Molly Shannon, Harris Whittles, Andy Kinler.

01:07:19Marc:You guys are great.

01:07:25Marc:Thank you so much.

01:07:27Marc:Thank you.

01:07:28Marc:You good?

01:07:28Marc:That was amazing.

01:07:29Marc:You guys are amazing.

01:07:30Marc:Hang out, though, because we're going to... All right, Neil.

01:07:32Marc:It's very good to see you.

01:07:33Marc:You're very professional.

01:07:35Marc:We got the big closers, but I just got a note from Eddie.

01:07:39Marc:This is not a joke, correct, Eddie?

01:07:42Marc:Okay.

01:07:43Marc:Car blocking in a pregnant woman about to be towed.

01:07:46Marc:Toyota Camry 5DRP.

01:07:49Marc:I mean, what does this mean?

01:07:51Marc:But someone's blocking in a pregnant woman.

01:07:55Marc:Like, this piece of paper is baffling.

01:07:59Marc:Like, I don't even know what this looks like.

01:08:00Marc:Does this make sense to anybody?

01:08:01Marc:Whoever's got that Camry, go get it, because there's a pregnant woman involved, and that's all that's here.

01:08:06Marc:That's all the information I have.

01:08:09Marc:This is the most cryptic thing.

01:08:11Marc:Car blocking in a pregnant woman.

01:08:14Marc:Did you just picture her just standing there?

01:08:18Marc:Like troubled?

01:08:20Marc:I can't make it around this Toyota.

01:08:22Marc:That's how pregnant I am.

01:08:26Marc:But this is a real thing, so if any of that made sense to you, please take care of that.

01:08:30Marc:Please welcome to the stage, in a unique twist, we're coming in on the end here, you know how this works.

01:08:37Marc:Jim Earl, who I have a tremendous amount of respect for as a writer and as a performer, occasionally likes to do long-form improv using maybe a couple of just household objects, I believe.

01:08:47Marc:So please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.

01:08:51Thank you.

01:08:53Marc:How are you?

01:08:54Marc:Can you grab one of those mics down there?

01:08:55Marc:Do you need room?

01:08:58Guest:This is fine.

01:09:01Guest:Thank you so much.

01:09:03Guest:Thank you, Mark, for having me here on this great occasion.

01:09:06Guest:12 years of... 12 years.

01:09:09Marc:Sobriety.

01:09:09Marc:Thank you.

01:09:10Marc:Thank you very much.

01:09:11Marc:Thank you.

01:09:14Guest:Of being a buzzkill.

01:09:16Guest:Anyway...

01:09:19Guest:Thank you, everyone, for having me here for the next 20 minutes.

01:09:23Marc:Really?

01:09:25Guest:I will be performing long-form improv utilizing two everyday, ordinary household objects.

01:09:32Guest:One, a bottle of water, and B, this chair.

01:09:41Guest:But I need some help from you.

01:09:42Guest:I need a location.

01:09:50Guest:Poughkeepsie.

01:09:54Guest:Here we go.

01:09:55Guest:Using the three items, Elka, Nevada, and Poughkeepsie, bottled water, and a chair, I will perform long-form improv for you tonight.

01:10:08Guest:Oh, boy, it sure is hot here in Poughkeepsie.

01:10:14Guest:What's this?

01:10:14Guest:It's a chair and a bottle of water.

01:10:25LAUGHTER

01:10:27Guest:I can't do this.

01:10:33Guest:What happened?

01:10:35Guest:Look, man, I don't know.

01:10:36Guest:It's the S&P thing or whatever.

01:10:38Guest:It's just not relevant.

01:10:39Guest:I can't do this shit.

01:10:42Guest:Hey, Mark, why don't we just play that clip of you on Hell's Kitchen, huh?

01:10:47Guest:You have a clip?

01:10:47Guest:Oh, sure, Jim.

01:10:48Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:10:48Guest:Yeah, okay, let's do it.

01:10:55Guest:With his menu finalized, Mark heads back to the kitchen and picks his team.

01:11:00Marc:My first selection is Jillian.

01:11:03Marc:I picked Jillian because she reminds me of my twin sister.

01:11:06Marc:I pushed her down a well when I was five.

01:11:09Marc:No one ever found her.

01:11:10Marc:I made sure of that.

01:11:11Marc:I also like the way she cooks risotto.

01:11:14Guest:Mark's menu consists of seared butternut squash with bed bugs, caramelized self-regret, and pickled hatred.

01:11:26Marc:I found that when you marinate regret for more than 10 years, it becomes a powerful weapon against the innocent.

01:11:33Guest:As the restaurant fills with people, Mark rallies his customers.

01:11:37Guest:Sit your fat asses down, because tonight you're going to feast upon my rage.

01:11:44Guest:During the signature lunch challenge, Mark's steak salad was a clear favorite, while Rocco's grilled octopus got washed up onto the shore of failure.

01:11:53Marc:It's nice to see Mr. Fancy Pants come in dead last.

01:11:57Marc:I don't care if his son is retarded.

01:11:59Guest:Mark's classic menu pays off, but the orders are stacking up.

01:12:06Marc:I'm an open wound.

01:12:07Marc:My ever-changing facial hair keeps me from getting a sitcom.

01:12:12Marc:Who used all the bacon bits?

01:12:14Guest:The pressure mounts, and two years later, Mark has a flashback at his dad's funeral.

01:12:20Guest:Krusty Spaghetti?

01:12:21Guest:Where's the fucking garnish?

01:12:22Guest:Meanwhile, back in Hell's Kitchen, in the present... You cows!

01:12:26Marc:Two years from now, I'm gonna ruin my dad's funeral and yell, Krusty Spaghetti, where's the fucking garnish?

01:12:32Guest:Two years later, again at his dad's funeral... I can't believe I'm stuck in this annoying joke loop.

01:12:37Marc:Where's the fucking garnish?

01:12:41Guest:Although Mark is clearly snapping, it doesn't affect his keen palate.

01:12:45Marc:When I taste, I'm trying to feel the texture.

01:12:48Marc:That's how I know it's pancetta.

01:12:50Marc:Plus, I'm floating outside my body, peering into the mouth of Satan.

01:13:02Guest:But it was Trent's mangling of the meat.

01:13:04Guest:Who mangled my meat?

01:13:06Guest:That really pushed Mark over the edge.

01:13:08Marc:Who mangled my meat?

01:13:10Marc:Did you mangle my meat?

01:13:11Marc:Who here does not get the implications of this double entendre?

01:13:17Guest:Now Mark has to nominate two of his team for elimination.

01:13:20Guest:I nominate myself and the other Mark that tells me to do bad things.

01:13:24Guest:In the end, Mark lost the challenge, but that didn't keep him from realizing his dream of becoming West Coast distributor for powdered rhinoceros penis.

01:13:34Guest:I hate papaya!

01:13:39Guest:That's it.

01:13:39Guest:Thank you.

01:13:44Marc:Just put that on the table.

01:13:46Marc:Thank you.

01:13:53Marc:The wonderful Jim Earl.

01:13:58Marc:Eddie, do we have anything prepared?

01:14:00Marc:Do you want to just come out?

01:14:01Marc:Do you want to talk about the car blocking?

01:14:03Marc:Hi, Eddie.

01:14:04Marc:Eddie Pepitone.

01:14:10Marc:How you doing?

01:14:11Marc:I'm good, man.

01:14:12Marc:I didn't get to talk to you because you weren't here when I started the show, and I don't know where that leaves us.

01:14:17Marc:Oh, we were supposed to talk before the show?

01:14:18Marc:No, I don't give a shit.

01:14:20Guest:Let me tell this audience.

01:14:21Guest:All right, all right.

01:14:22Guest:So I fucking leave... I live in North Hollywood, and that's not to come at you that I live in the NoHo Arts District.

01:14:29Guest:It's beautiful.

01:14:32Guest:They paint the streets there.

01:14:34Guest:The crosswalks are painted different colors.

01:14:37Guest:And then they call it the NoHo Arts District.

01:14:40Guest:And that's the area I live in.

01:14:42Guest:So it's gorgeous.

01:14:43Guest:Anyway, I fucking get on the 101.

01:14:46Guest:And, you know, here's one of the things that suck about living in L.A.,

01:14:52Guest:You know, if you're over the hill.

01:14:54Guest:And the 101, there was a huge accident.

01:14:57Guest:So what I did, I fucking, I'm brilliant.

01:15:00Guest:Oh, is that a phone?

01:15:01Guest:Great.

01:15:02Guest:Great.

01:15:03Guest:Wait for Eddie before the fucking... That didn't happen the whole show, correct?

01:15:07Guest:No, they waited for you.

01:15:08Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:15:09Guest:Call me when Pepitone's on.

01:15:12Guest:He's close to the edge.

01:15:18Guest:And I am close to the edge, so it's so... No, I am.

01:15:22Guest:I know you are.

01:15:23Guest:I mean, I'm so full of humanity and life and love, but it goes right to rage when things like the traffic, right?

01:15:32Guest:So I get stuck in the fucking traffic.

01:15:34Guest:And believe me, this is terrible because then I have time to think.

01:15:37Guest:Yeah.

01:15:37Guest:That's the worst part.

01:15:39Guest:No.

01:15:39Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:15:40Guest:Like, you're going nowhere, and my first instinct is like, I'm going to go to this lane.

01:15:45Guest:I'm going to go to this lane.

01:15:47Guest:So you go to this lane, and you go nowhere.

01:15:49Guest:Right.

01:15:49Guest:And then you're like, well, I'm not going to be one of those assholes, because you see the assholes.

01:15:53Marc:Yes, jockeying for the right lane.

01:15:54Guest:Jockeying for the right lane.

01:15:56Guest:Such a great metaphor for life.

01:16:00Marc:I think that should be your new CD title.

01:16:01Marc:Jockeying for the right... No, I don't think so.

01:16:03Marc:All right.

01:16:04Guest:So...

01:16:07Guest:But anyway, Mark, when I'm in this fucking car, now I have time to think about the Planet of the Apes movie.

01:16:14Guest:What a piece of shit.

01:16:16Guest:And I'm one of these idiots who looks on Rotten Tomatoes and goes, 83%!

01:16:22Guest:Rotten Tomatoes said 83%, but who the fuck knows what determines these Rotten Tomato assholes?

01:16:32Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:16:32Guest:Because James Franco, by the way, I don't really know what James Franco did until the Oscars, and he should have been shot, him and Hathaway should have been shot and killed for that whole debacle.

01:16:44Guest:The Oscars should have been hosted by a wounded animal.

01:16:48Guest:Besides those two.

01:16:50Guest:I am still trying to get over that.

01:16:52Guest:They didn't want Ricky Gervais because, oh, he took some shots at celebrity.

01:16:56Guest:So they put these two fucking milquetoast creatures.

01:17:01Guest:And so, no, and I'm building up the planet.

01:17:03Guest:What were your expectations out of the fucking Oscars to begin with?

01:17:06Guest:That you have a fucking host who's elegant and who's fucking funny.

01:17:12Guest:I want funny.

01:17:13Guest:I want a host of the Oscars who's like, welcome everybody.

01:17:17Guest:And now here's some dark Hollywood humor.

01:17:21Marc:But it seems like it's everything that represents everything you hate the Oscars.

01:17:25Marc:Why?

01:17:26Marc:Listen to you.

01:17:26Marc:You're about to shit on everything.

01:17:30Guest:Yeah, anyway, no, I don't see, I can't see into my contradictions.

01:17:39Guest:How the fuck am I gonna see?

01:17:41Guest:If I were able to see into my contradictions, I'd be skipping in a park somewhere, fucking giving children silver dollars without trying to molest them, you know what I mean?

01:17:54Guest:I'm not that type of guy.

01:17:56Guest:I'm full of contradictions.

01:17:59Guest:I am full.

01:17:59Guest:I'm half Italian, half Jew.

01:18:01Guest:No, I know.

01:18:01Guest:My mother's Jewish.

01:18:02Guest:My father's Sicilian.

01:18:03Guest:We got into that a little bit last time.

01:18:05Guest:Terrific stuff.

01:18:06Marc:Go back to traffic.

01:18:07Marc:We're in traffic.

01:18:08Guest:Planet of the Apes.

01:18:09Guest:So I have to think about, I saw Planet of the Apes at Arclight Hollywood, and I just drive into that structure.

01:18:15Guest:in the arc light, and I'm like, I fucking hate it already.

01:18:19Guest:Like, I hate, I hate the underground parking structures here.

01:18:23Guest:Like, because once you're in them, you're fucked.

01:18:25Guest:It's like, once you're in them, you know, if somebody, this hoverers, hoverers, people who are like, oh, oh, this guy's pulling out!

01:18:33Right?

01:18:34Guest:and I'm the one behind going no he's not no he's not I chant that in my car but anyway so this is what you're thinking about when you're stuck in traffic when I'm stuck in traffic I know I'm thinking about seeing the rise of the Planet of the Apes it was so bad as soon as James and you know right away right like you know how bad a movie is right matter of fact I knew during the trailers this was going to be a pathetic evening you mean on another night

01:19:03Guest:The other movies.

01:19:04Guest:Oh, okay.

01:19:05Guest:Every movie in Hollywood is, we look pretty and we're very tense.

01:19:10Guest:Like, that's all they do.

01:19:12Guest:That's all it is.

01:19:13Guest:It's like, we look very good.

01:19:16Guest:We're thin and there's a lot of emotion going on.

01:19:19Guest:What is it?

01:19:20Guest:Here's a typical scene in Hollywood.

01:19:22Guest:What is it, Al?

01:19:23Guest:What?

01:19:24Guest:There's a contagion?

01:19:26Guest:Well, fix your hair.

01:19:28Guest:Fix your hair before the contagion hits.

01:19:31Guest:Everybody is so fucking pretty and there's no fucking substance.

01:19:36Guest:All these... I should write one and make $20 million.

01:19:39Guest:What?

01:19:39Guest:because all of them are cookie cutter shit pitch me a movie god damn it pitch you a movie a guy gets stuck in traffic and he fucking he fucking morphs into this gigantic transformer fuck he morphs stay with me you're just like the executives like oh I don't know Eddie that sounds too crazy what I thought was we like transformers they make money go ahead

01:20:05Guest:So this angry guy... Yeah, that's what the execs would say.

01:20:08Guest:Transformers make money, Al.

01:20:10Marc:Let them go.

01:20:10Marc:Yeah, so what happens?

01:20:11Marc:He morphs into a Transformer.

01:20:13Guest:He morphs into a Transformer and he just starts crushing all the fucking cars on the 101 until he gets to the Paramount lot.

01:20:22Guest:Yeah.

01:20:22Guest:And then he sees Clive Owen and he kills him.

01:20:25Guest:And that's all I got.

01:20:26Guest:But that would be my pitch.

01:20:28Guest:Yeah, it's good.

01:20:29Guest:It's good.

01:20:29Guest:Clive Owen would play himself, right?

01:20:31Guest:I ran into Clive Owen.

01:20:32Guest:It was the funniest thing.

01:20:32Guest:I was doing a two-line audition, my usual audition, like two lines for a show called Happy Endings.

01:20:39Guest:Who the fuck knows?

01:20:41Guest:And so I knew I wasn't going to get it, but I walked through the lot, and there's Clive Owen on his cell phone, and I just wanted to scream out because he's very small.

01:20:49Guest:I just wanted to scream out, You're tiny!

01:20:51LAUGHTER

01:20:51Guest:I don't know why.

01:20:52Guest:That was my instinct.

01:20:54Guest:Like, to attack him.

01:20:56Guest:What did you say instead?

01:20:57Guest:Nothing.

01:21:01Guest:Hey, I know this town.

01:21:02Guest:I played it very cool.

01:21:04Guest:He was on his cell, and I gave him one of these.

01:21:06Guest:I know who you are.

01:21:08Guest:I'm someone myself.

01:21:10Guest:Yeah.

01:21:12Guest:Do you think he received that?

01:21:13Guest:Do you think he felt that?

01:21:14Guest:I would hope he received that.

01:21:16Guest:And you know, I am such a fucking egomaniacal lunatic that I turned around to see if he was looking at me like if he maybe had a moment like, who was that fucking guy?

01:21:26Marc:He probably did, but it wasn't that tone.

01:21:28Marc:What?

01:21:29Marc:He probably did have that moment, but it was more like, who was that fucking guy?

01:21:32Ha ha ha!

01:21:33Guest:He's so small, though.

01:21:35Guest:When you see how small Clive Owen is, you just want to go, fuck you.

01:21:41Guest:Fuck you, Owen.

01:21:42Guest:You're too small.

01:21:43Guest:But they make him look big with these fucking Apple boxes.

01:21:47Guest:Who the fuck knows?

01:21:49Guest:Hey, give Clive another Apple box.

01:21:53Guest:And, you know, and then he overthrows the government, whatever movie.

01:21:56Guest:Now I want to go to the movies with you.

01:22:01Guest:What?

01:22:02Guest:No, I don't want to be a movie date.

01:22:04Guest:Look, and then, I don't, you know, oh, we're going to a movie.

01:22:08Marc:Like, if we went to the movies, would you be like, would we have a seat between us or would you sit right next to me?

01:22:13Guest:I would say right next to each other.

01:22:14Marc:See, so what's wrong with that?

01:22:15Marc:Nothing at all.

01:22:16Guest:Then why you got shit on it before it even happens?

01:22:19Guest:I don't know.

01:22:20Guest:I thought you were fucking with me.

01:22:21Guest:Oh.

01:22:21Guest:Anyway, no, because I would like to, you know, before we go to a movie, maybe we have coffee.

01:22:27Guest:Anyway, I don't... You want to go right to a movie.

01:22:32Guest:That's a big... We can have coffee.

01:22:34Guest:We'll have coffee.

01:22:35Guest:Yeah, let's go coffee first.

01:22:36Guest:But will you yell at something at the coffee shop?

01:22:38Guest:I don't yell at things in the coffee shop, except when people are on their cells and they start talking.

01:22:43Guest:Today I made a rare appearance at the gym.

01:22:46Guest:And...

01:22:47Guest:I was on a treadmill.

01:22:49Guest:I was on a treadmill and some fucking guy just sits on this exercise.

01:22:55Guest:I love the people who sit on the bikes and they have an iPod on and a book and they're watching the television.

01:23:01Guest:In other words, they don't want to think about exercising whatsoever.

01:23:05Guest:Like, I'm not really here.

01:23:07Guest:That's what they're saying.

01:23:08Guest:I'm not really where it's me.

01:23:10Guest:I'm on a treadmill and I'm power walking going, Franco has no humanity.

01:23:14Guest:That is how I power walk.

01:23:16Guest:Yeah.

01:23:16Guest:You know, I'm just like, Franco has no humanity.

01:23:19Guest:He's just this pretty boy fuck who looks at the camera with all the other pretty boy fucks in this pretty boy fucking town.

01:23:28Guest:And I got to fucking claw my way for a two-line audition for Happy Endings.

01:23:33Guest:Anyway.

01:23:34Guest:That's how you work out?

01:23:35Guest:That's how I work out.

01:23:37Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.

01:23:39Thank you.

01:23:40Marc:Lovely.

01:23:41Marc:Eddie Pepitone, Jim Earl, Molly Shannon, Harris Whittles, Neil Hamburger, Andy Kindler.

01:23:47Marc:Kick on the music.

01:23:48Marc:Thank you for coming for Live WTF.

01:23:51Marc:And I'll sign things out there, and I'll say hello, and you're a great audience, and I really appreciate you.

01:23:59Marc:Thank you.

01:24:03Thank you.

01:24:13Thank you.