Episode 217 - Amy Sedaris, Sam Seder, Julie Klausner, Mike Lawrence, Leo Allen

Episode 217 • Released October 9, 2011 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:13Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF.

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:21Marc:all right let's do this what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucking ears what the fuckstables what the fucking brooklynites it's live what the fuck at the bell house in brooklyn new york holy shit

00:00:40Marc:Look at you guys.

00:00:41Marc:Thank you for coming out.

00:00:43Marc:Thanks for all the love.

00:00:44Marc:We have an amazing show tonight to the point where I'm probably not going to spend a half an hour talking about myself.

00:00:53Marc:Oh, really?

00:00:56Marc:You're upset?

00:00:57Marc:I'm at that point today where I'm like, I don't know if I have anything to fucking talk about.

00:01:02Marc:How much life do I have before I'm like, okay, an hour ago, this happened.

00:01:09Marc:Like, I'm not that fucking crazy, am I?

00:01:12Marc:Maybe I am, but I was freaking out all day, and then I got angry because I didn't have anything to talk about.

00:01:16Marc:Then I started beating myself up because I didn't have anything to talk about.

00:01:19Marc:Then I was saying this out loud, you're a fucking asshole, out loud to myself I said that.

00:01:25Marc:And then I got angry.

00:01:26Marc:This is where all that went.

00:01:27Marc:You're lucky, because I know some of you saw me walking around before the show, and I was exuding that strange rage of a person that was not comfortable with things.

00:01:38Marc:And that was because I ordered food from a Colombian restaurant an hour and five minutes before it was delivered.

00:01:46Marc:Now, I can't... I thought I was above this.

00:01:49Marc:I thought I could let that shit go.

00:01:51Marc:But I don't know if any of you saw this.

00:01:53Marc:I'm a little embarrassed.

00:01:54Marc:I watched them deliver it because I was waiting for the food because I needed Jessica to be happy.

00:01:59Marc:That's where I'm at right now.

00:02:01Marc:And...

00:02:02Marc:And I watched a guy deliver it on the bicycle who didn't know me, and I don't know if he even worked for the restaurant.

00:02:07Marc:But the woman who, Jin, who runs this place was getting the food and trying to buffer the guy on the bike from my rage in that moment.

00:02:16Marc:And I walked right up and I said, do you work for this restaurant?

00:02:19Marc:Do you work for it?

00:02:20Marc:Hour and 10 minutes ago, I fucking ordered this.

00:02:23Marc:It should be free.

00:02:27Marc:I said that to a guy on a bike.

00:02:30Marc:What kind of asshole am I?

00:02:31Marc:And Jin's like, here's the food.

00:02:34Marc:And I'm like, don't pay.

00:02:36Marc:Here's the food to placate me.

00:02:38Marc:So I took the food back here and it wasn't enough.

00:02:41Marc:I called the restaurant.

00:02:45Marc:Who the fuck does this?

00:02:46Marc:Am I like that old Jew?

00:02:47Marc:So I called the restaurant and I go, hi, this is Marc Maron.

00:02:51Marc:I ordered food an hour and 10 minutes ago.

00:02:53Marc:It just got here and there's no fucking utensils.

00:02:58Marc:And then I heard this voice, let me put you on with a manager.

00:03:02Marc:And then I realized, oh my God, I just yelled at some dude who's just working at a fucking Colombian restaurant.

00:03:09Marc:That's what he's doing tonight.

00:03:11Marc:It's Monday night.

00:03:12Marc:He's just working at a Colombian restaurant and I'm the guy yelling at him on the phone.

00:03:18Marc:And you know what I did?

00:03:19Marc:I hung up in shame.

00:03:22Marc:I hung up the phone, and I did not get on the phone with that manager.

00:03:25Marc:Because what's going to happen there?

00:03:27Marc:What am I looking for her to say?

00:03:28Marc:I'm sorry.

00:03:30Marc:Is there anything I can do?

00:03:32Marc:Yeah, give me the same order, but deliver it in ten minutes.

00:03:35Marc:That wouldn't even make sense.

00:03:43Marc:It's so fucking awful, and then Cedar shows up.

00:03:45Marc:Sam Cedar's here.

00:03:47Marc:And, like, just relax.

00:03:49Marc:I...

00:03:50Marc:Like, I'm trying to get my head together and being nice back there, and he tries to bring out the worst in me.

00:03:56Marc:And, you know, and he's wearing a tie and whatever.

00:03:58Marc:And then Leo Allen's here.

00:04:01Marc:Mike Lawrence is here.

00:04:02Marc:Julie Klausner is here.

00:04:03Marc:Amy Sedaris is here.

00:04:06Marc:Holy shit.

00:04:11Marc:Oh, hey.

00:04:13Marc:You know what these are?

00:04:14Marc:Who brought these?

00:04:15Marc:Because I want to address it.

00:04:17Marc:What's your name again?

00:04:19Marc:Steve.

00:04:19Marc:Steve, these are cake pops that you brought me.

00:04:22Marc:Okay, now I'm gonna say two things, all right?

00:04:24Marc:I'm gonna say two things, Steve.

00:04:26Marc:Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

00:04:33Marc:Back in the day when I thought I was gonna get my Colombian food soon... I could not control myself.

00:04:42Marc:I ate three of these.

00:04:47Marc:All right, this is what happened.

00:04:49Marc:All right, I'm now, for those of you listening, this is what happened.

00:04:53Marc:All right, and I think we got it on camera, because Matthew Weiss, who I call Matt, and it makes him mad.

00:04:56Marc:Do you remember the first few episodes when I was talking to that guy, Matt?

00:05:01Marc:He's here, he's shooting.

00:05:02Marc:So here's what happened.

00:05:03Marc:Yeah, keep it going, Matthew Weiss.

00:05:04Marc:He's a very...

00:05:09Marc:He's a very compelling, codependent, and intrusive filmmaker that I love deeply.

00:05:14Marc:Okay, Steve, right, Steve?

00:05:16Marc:Here's the experience I had when I ate my first cake pot.

00:05:24Marc:God damn it!

00:05:26Marc:God damn it!

00:05:27Marc:How the fuck?

00:05:28Marc:Oh, there's more.

00:05:35Marc:And what is this?

00:05:36Marc:What is this?

00:05:38Marc:Are you sheepishly bringing me more fucking food?

00:05:44Marc:I'm glad I've created such a forum of intimacy that a person at the beginning of my show does not feel weird at all to walk to the front of the venue and hand me a bag of food and linger.

00:05:59Marc:You're lingering.

00:06:02Marc:What's your name?

00:06:04Marc:Jeff, okay, Jeff, don't get mad.

00:06:06Marc:Chillax?

00:06:09Marc:Oh, these are bath salts?

00:06:13Marc:It's not food, it's also not for a man.

00:06:23Marc:Quick poll.

00:06:24Marc:No, I appreciate it.

00:06:25Marc:She brought it... Oh, I'm sorry.

00:06:26Marc:What's your name?

00:06:28Marc:Barbara.

00:06:28Marc:Let me just take a quick poll.

00:06:30Marc:Last time you took a bath.

00:06:31Marc:Seriously, a bath.

00:06:32Marc:You don't even fucking remember.

00:06:34Marc:Last time you took a bath.

00:06:35Marc:Seriously.

00:06:36Marc:Last time you took a bath.

00:06:37Marc:Right?

00:06:38Marc:When you were a child.

00:06:39Marc:Okay.

00:06:40Marc:Last time you took a bath.

00:06:41Marc:You might have taken one recently.

00:06:43Marc:Last time... When did you take a bath last?

00:06:48Marc:Huh?

00:06:49Marc:When you were a baby?

00:06:53Marc:Okay, all right.

00:06:54Marc:No, that's a good answer.

00:06:54Marc:That was a good answer.

00:06:55Marc:It's sort of a joke answer, but you seem very serious about it.

00:06:58Marc:When I was a baby and that was the last time because it was a scary bath.

00:07:04Marc:Thank you very much.

00:07:06Marc:Don't make me feel guilty.

00:07:07Marc:I'm making jokes.

00:07:09Marc:You made these?

00:07:11Marc:You make salt by hand?

00:07:18Marc:What?

00:07:19Marc:Oh, my God.

00:07:20Marc:This smells good.

00:07:21Marc:I appreciate this very much.

00:07:23Marc:It's very nice.

00:07:24Marc:I don't mean to condescend or be mean, but it's very funny.

00:07:27Marc:It's a very sweet gift.

00:07:32Marc:I'm just not a guy that takes a bath.

00:07:33Marc:I mean, I've tried because, you know, people are like, you should take a bath.

00:07:36Marc:It's relaxing.

00:07:37Marc:And then it's the same with meditating.

00:07:38Marc:I get the bath made.

00:07:40Marc:I sit in it.

00:07:41Marc:And I'm like, I'm done.

00:07:42Marc:How long does this go?

00:07:43Marc:What is the appropriate time for this bath business?

00:07:48Marc:You can't even jerk off in a bath.

00:07:52Marc:Because then you're in there with it.

00:07:54Marc:And that's why showers are so good.

00:08:00Marc:All right, children, no children, am I having them?

00:08:02Marc:Please, let's weigh in.

00:08:08Marc:No, it's starting, the conversations are happening.

00:08:11Marc:Jessica gets drunk, and then we have the, you know, when are we having a baby conversation?

00:08:18Marc:And that's exactly the time to have that conversation, because she says that, and then she puts her ass out.

00:08:23Marc:When are we having a baby?

00:08:24Marc:And I'm thinking, maybe now?

00:08:28Maybe.

00:08:31Marc:But I realize that that conversation is more about like me saying, I don't know, you know, I haven't really thought about it.

00:08:39Marc:I guess if I'm going to do it, probably be soon.

00:08:42Marc:And maybe with you, you know, can we change the subject now?

00:08:47Marc:Like it's about me saying that I'm not I'm going to stay with her, I think.

00:08:51Marc:And the baby's going to seal that deal.

00:08:53Marc:Right.

00:08:54Marc:Right?

00:08:55Marc:But wait, this is the other conversation that I missed a cue on this one, too.

00:08:58Marc:We're in the shower.

00:09:00Marc:I'm washing her back because I needed to get to the nozzle.

00:09:02Marc:I'm not that selfless.

00:09:03Marc:But I was getting cold, and I'm like, all right, let's just do this quickly.

00:09:09Marc:And I'm washing her back, and she looked back at me, and she said, are you preparing for when I'm paraplegic?

00:09:14Marc:And I'm like...

00:09:18Marc:But like, what does that even fucking mean?

00:09:19Marc:Where did that come from, you know?

00:09:21Marc:So I said, hell no, you'd be in a hospital.

00:09:26Marc:But see, I missed the cue on that.

00:09:27Marc:I was supposed to say, yeah, of course, if you were paraplegic, I would take care of you.

00:09:31Marc:But I just said, no, there's no way you're even going to be in the house.

00:09:38Marc:I don't like the way you all responded when I suggested that I might have a child.

00:09:44Marc:Do it.

00:09:44Marc:That's what guys my age say.

00:09:47Marc:Because I'm nervous about the old dad thing.

00:09:48Marc:I'm almost 48.

00:09:49Marc:That means when the kid's 10, I'm going to be 58.

00:09:52Marc:And when the kid's 15, I'll be what?

00:09:54Marc:63?

00:09:56Marc:And then I'll be like, why do I have you?

00:10:00Marc:I would like to sit down now.

00:10:02Marc:Why are you causing me trouble?

00:10:07Marc:I have a fear of old dadness, but apparently all this selfish, weird, self-obsessed, narcissistic boomers who didn't get around to having kids until they were 45 or somehow justifying it, like, hey, it's cool, we're the new young dads.

00:10:19Marc:No, you're still a fucking old dad, all right?

00:10:23Marc:And I don't, it's just, it's a weird discomfort I have because I remember when I was a kid, I'm 47, I remember the kid who had the old dad.

00:10:31Marc:Don't you?

00:10:31Marc:It was a little weird, right?

00:10:33Marc:You felt a little bad for him somehow.

00:10:36Marc:Remember, his dad would show up after school to pick him up and be like, oh, dude, who is that?

00:10:45Marc:And then he'd be like, it's my dad.

00:10:48Marc:And you'd be like, how old is he?

00:10:50Marc:And the kid'd be like, I don't even know.

00:10:59Marc:And then he'd be like, oh, man, does he even do anything?

00:11:02Marc:Kid'd be like, eh, sometimes.

00:11:05Marc:I gotta go.

00:11:05Marc:I gotta go help him.

00:11:06Marc:You know, so... Maybe that's callous.

00:11:11Marc:And oddly, out of every joke I've ever said on stage, that is the only joke that a woman has come up to me after the show crying.

00:11:20Marc:Crying.

00:11:21Marc:And said, I have an old dad and he was nice.

00:11:24Yeah.

00:11:26Marc:Well, clearly there are other issues.

00:11:28Marc:But I, um... I didn't say that.

00:11:32Marc:I said I'm sorry.

00:11:33Marc:I didn't mean it to be hurtful to you.

00:11:35Marc:It was not directed at you.

00:11:37Marc:It was more about me and the fear of being an old dad.

00:11:42Marc:Let's start our show.

00:11:43Marc:I believe it's time.

00:11:44Marc:I feel like I've talked enough.

00:11:45Marc:And thank you for the salts.

00:11:46Marc:They're lovely.

00:11:47Marc:I'm going to take a bath.

00:11:50Marc:Huh?

00:11:52Marc:The other ones, really, for me, there's a difference between male and female salts...

00:11:57Marc:Oh, it's for people that work too hard and are stressed out?

00:12:00Marc:You think I'm gonna hang my hopes on a fucking jar of salt?

00:12:08Marc:You think this is... You think that what is in this jar is gonna fix this?

00:12:17Marc:This must be a magic jar.

00:12:19Marc:This can't just be, see, when I get into this tub, I should rise up.

00:12:24Marc:That should have that much power.

00:12:27Marc:Thank you very much.

00:12:29Marc:Between this and the kale, I'm going to quit doing my podcast.

00:12:35Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest was originally known as half of Slovan and Allen.

00:12:40Marc:He's also a wonderful comedy writer.

00:12:43Marc:He's currently, I believe, wrote John Benjamin as a van.

00:12:47Marc:And he's most, really importantly, the owner, not the owner, but the renter of my old apartment.

00:12:54Marc:Please welcome Leo Allen.

00:12:59Marc:Hey, buddy.

00:13:01Marc:Hey, you want to sit here?

00:13:03Marc:No, sit right next to me, and I'll sit down.

00:13:06Marc:This is Leo Allen, you guys.

00:13:07Marc:Look at him.

00:13:10Guest:Isn't, isn't, Amy said this to me, isn't bath salt the new hot drug?

00:13:16Guest:Like, did anybody else hear that?

00:13:19Guest:I think someone's trying to mess with you.

00:13:21Guest:This is the new hot drug?

00:13:23Marc:Wait, let me understand something.

00:13:24Guest:Like, it makes you stay awake for like seven days, right?

00:13:27Marc:Really?

00:13:28Marc:Do you, just by taking a bath in it, or do I kind of snort it?

00:13:32Marc:Hey, is it a relapse if I snort bath salt?

00:13:37Marc:What's up, buddy?

00:13:38Guest:It's nice to see you.

00:13:39Guest:It's good to see you, too.

00:13:40Guest:I feel bad because I forgot I had all your mail, and I thought it would be funny to give it to you.

00:13:48Guest:And I was on the subway here with my girlfriend, and I was like, God, I can't fucking believe I forgot that.

00:13:53Guest:And then I made her go back.

00:13:57Guest:So is it going to be delivered?

00:13:59Guest:Yeah, she's on the BQE right now.

00:14:01Guest:What kind of mail are you still getting?

00:14:03Guest:I don't know, just garbage.

00:14:06Guest:I'm looking forward to that.

00:14:07Guest:From your accountant, I think.

00:14:08Guest:No.

00:14:09Guest:Something from the IRS.

00:14:10Guest:No, wait.

00:14:10Marc:I don't open it.

00:14:11Marc:I don't know.

00:14:12Marc:I appreciate the fact that you emailed me pictures of the kitchen.

00:14:18Marc:I lived in this apartment that he lived in.

00:14:20Marc:I had that apartment from like 95 to 2002.

00:14:24Marc:You know what's gone on in there?

00:14:26Marc:The whole arc of horrible stuff has happened in that apartment.

00:14:30Guest:It's haunted by the ghost of Marin Pass.

00:14:32Marc:Yeah, and I noticed in the kitchen that you repainted it.

00:14:34Marc:You still have my shelf.

00:14:36Marc:I think you have my microwave.

00:14:38Marc:You still have my table.

00:14:39Marc:And you didn't get a new cabinet that's still my cabinet.

00:14:42Marc:No, I have everything of yours.

00:14:43Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:14:44Marc:It's all mine.

00:14:45Guest:I threw the microwave away.

00:14:47Guest:No, you didn't.

00:14:48Guest:Oh, you did?

00:14:48Guest:That made me nervous.

00:14:49Guest:Oh.

00:14:51Guest:It was like you inherited it from the guy who invented the microwave.

00:14:57Guest:It like shook and was like, leave room now.

00:15:00Guest:It was horrible.

00:15:02Guest:Because the turner didn't turn anymore and it just kind of went.

00:15:05Guest:Yeah, it was just going right into your brain.

00:15:08Guest:My eyesight got worse from using that.

00:15:12Marc:Can I just, I need to get something out there publicly and I need to apologize.

00:15:18Marc:When I told you that you could stay at the place, and now you've kind of bullied me out of the lease of it, or you had this heavy call me, I didn't tell you that I had a bed bug problem.

00:15:35Marc:And I want to apologize for that.

00:15:37Marc:Now, I don't know if they're going to come back, but from what I understand, they live forever.

00:15:40Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:15:42Guest:I heard, I saw something where, or somebody emailed me like, Maren had bedbugs.

00:15:48Guest:And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

00:15:52Guest:I was so mad.

00:15:53Guest:I was like, fuck Mark.

00:15:55Guest:And then I was like, well, I moved out of my place because I had bedbugs.

00:16:00Yeah.

00:16:00Guest:And I didn't tell you, which is sort of, it's not as shitty a thing to do to somebody, but it's kind of shitty.

00:16:08Marc:Isn't bedbugs sort of like a rites of passage thing in New York now?

00:16:11Marc:Doesn't everyone have to get them?

00:16:14Guest:I think now it's to the point where people freely admit it.

00:16:17Guest:Who here has had bedbugs?

00:16:18Marc:Let's see those hands.

00:16:20Marc:Look at that.

00:16:20Marc:And a lot of people lying.

00:16:22Marc:Come on, folks.

00:16:23Guest:That is not enough people.

00:16:24Marc:We didn't ask who has AIDS.

00:16:26Marc:Let's go.

00:16:27Marc:Whose apartment has AIDS?

00:16:32Marc:The myth around bedbugs is so horrendous.

00:16:35Marc:If you get them, then you get bedbuck-induced psychosis.

00:16:41Marc:Because you read all the literature on it, and you're like, oh my god, they never die.

00:16:45Marc:They feed on my blood in my sleep.

00:16:46Marc:They can sleep for a decade.

00:16:48Marc:And they live in the wood.

00:16:50Marc:And there's nothing you can do.

00:16:51Marc:Nothing will kill them.

00:16:52Marc:We're doomed.

00:16:53Marc:And then every waking hour, you're just like up, looking at the wall.

00:16:56Marc:looking at the ceiling, looking under your bed.

00:16:58Marc:Did that happen?

00:17:01Guest:It's true.

00:17:01Guest:There was one point in my last apartment where I was sitting on the floor with all my stuff in bags around me.

00:17:08Guest:And I was crying.

00:17:09Guest:I was crying.

00:17:11Guest:And I literally, not as a joke to myself, I said out loud, I'm making the decision not to go insane.

00:17:20Guest:laughter laughter laughter laughter

00:17:24Guest:You have to.

00:17:25Guest:You have to because it was so all-encompassing.

00:17:28Guest:But then afterwards, I was like, whatever.

00:17:30Guest:Because when other people, when people who first have bedbugs, it's like someone telling you, like, you know, I'm cheating on my wife.

00:17:37Guest:They're like, I have bedbugs because they know you have bedbugs.

00:17:40Marc:Oh, the shame.

00:17:41Marc:The shame of it.

00:17:42Guest:The shame.

00:17:42Guest:People are ashamed.

00:17:43Guest:You shouldn't be ashamed.

00:17:44Marc:Well, they thought, I think at first it was a class thing.

00:17:46Marc:Like they're like, that's like, that's for SROs and horrible living situations.

00:17:51Marc:And then they realized that everyone gets them.

00:17:52Marc:And then the shame just became about like, no one's going to come to my house because there's always, then you, when you, when you have them and you read about them, you picture them just like, like they just jump on people and they hang out.

00:18:04Marc:Like you can be on the subway and a few of them will just take a ride on you.

00:18:08Guest:Or if you go to the movies.

00:18:10Guest:Oh yeah.

00:18:10Marc:You're fucking doomed.

00:18:11Marc:You couldn't sit anywhere.

00:18:12Guest:Yeah, you just have to embrace it, people.

00:18:16Guest:Do you have them now?

00:18:16Guest:You don't see them, right?

00:18:17Guest:No, I haven't.

00:18:18Guest:I am like an expert.

00:18:19Guest:I've never had a problem.

00:18:22Marc:Can I ask you to do one favor for me because I can't remember it and I rarely do this, but I want you to tell me your masturbation joke because I love it so much.

00:18:33Guest:Sometimes you go on a masturbation bender.

00:18:37Guest:where it's mostly a guy thing.

00:18:40Guest:You find yourself putting like a flannel shirt over a chair and you're like, I'm not doing this.

00:18:44Guest:But then three days go by and you're like, oh shit.

00:18:48Guest:And as a sidebar, here's how you know you shouldn't do whatever you're about to do.

00:18:53Guest:If you ever find yourself grabbing your dog by the collar and taking it out of the room, definitely don't do whatever you're about to do.

00:19:02Guest:If you ever find yourself going, like, all right, buddy, you don't need to see this.

00:19:05Guest:I know you don't have the facility of speech, but I can't take the risk.

00:19:10Guest:You might evolve.

00:19:11Guest:And I think it's terrible because it's because of the Internet.

00:19:15Guest:We all masturbate way too much, and I worry about the younger kids.

00:19:19Guest:I worry about the younger kids because when I was younger, Mark, too, to see a naked lady, that was a huge accomplishment.

00:19:27Guest:Like, you had to know a guy...

00:19:29Guest:who had an older brother who had, like, buried a Playboy from 1968 in a field.

00:19:35Guest:You had to make an appointment.

00:19:37Guest:But now, because of the Internet, anybody who's, like, nine has seen, like, 80 people come all over each other.

00:19:43Guest:And that's horrible.

00:19:46Guest:I didn't see that till I was, like, 30.

00:19:49Guest:I got a cell phone first, then I saw people come on each other, just how God intended it.

00:19:55LAUGHTER

00:19:56Guest:This is what's amazing.

00:19:58Guest:The first time we ever masturbated, we literally did not know what we were masturbating about.

00:20:07Guest:That's just incredible.

00:20:08Guest:That's true.

00:20:09Guest:We literally did not know what we were masturbating about.

00:20:11Guest:We were masturbating about an idea.

00:20:13Guest:We were poets.

00:20:17Guest:Yeah!

00:20:18Guest:Poets!

00:20:19Yeah.

00:20:24Marc:Do you remember the first time you came?

00:20:25Marc:That was like magic.

00:20:28Marc:But there was no cum the first time.

00:20:30Marc:Well, I didn't care.

00:20:31Marc:I was just sort of like, what's happening?

00:20:33Marc:How can I make it happen more?

00:20:36Guest:I was like, there goes the next 40 years.

00:20:42Marc:But how did it happen for you?

00:20:43Marc:Mine was, it involved a faucet in the tub.

00:20:46Guest:I did a lot of... What?

00:20:50Guest:For delicate people.

00:20:52Marc:There was like a moment somehow where I was adjusting something, and the water was running, and it was like, oh, my God.

00:20:57Marc:Oh, my God.

00:20:59Marc:And then that was it for a while.

00:21:00Marc:That's like a lady thing.

00:21:02Marc:Isn't it?

00:21:03Marc:The faucet in the tub.

00:21:05Marc:I'm not being a dick.

00:21:07Marc:I found that, yeah, the running water, when I stuck my dick in it when I was 11...

00:21:14Marc:worked well.

00:21:15Marc:I didn't realize it was a lady thing until I saw my ex-wife fucking the faucet.

00:21:21Marc:That's a weird thing to walk in on.

00:21:22Marc:When you're with somebody and you walk in and their legs are up and the faucet's right here, there's no way to really explain that.

00:21:28Marc:You just sort of go, oh, I'll come back later.

00:21:32Guest:Well, I'm definitely taking a bath in the apartment tonight.

00:21:35Guest:I'll tell you that.

00:21:37Marc:I don't fuck the faucet anymore.

00:21:40Guest:I used to make love to the pillow.

00:21:42Marc:That was my original... I never understood the fucking the pillow thing.

00:21:47Marc:I needed more... It felt like I was hugging someone.

00:21:51Guest:Still does.

00:21:52Marc:Still does.

00:21:56Marc:I do have a pillow I call my ball pillow, though.

00:21:59Marc:Like a long pillow that I need to... But I don't see it as like an intimacy thing.

00:22:04Marc:I see it literally as like I'm a baby and that's like a placenta or something.

00:22:11Marc:I'm literally feeding me like I'm in a fetal position with my nourishment.

00:22:16Guest:Yeah.

00:22:17Guest:Is that weird?

00:22:18Guest:Maybe I feel like I'm losing people.

00:22:20Guest:It's not weird.

00:22:21Marc:There are no pillow cuddlers here?

00:22:22Marc:I never fucked a pillow.

00:22:23Marc:I have more respect for my pillows than that.

00:22:25Guest:I made love to my pillow.

00:22:27Guest:We watched a movie first in the living room.

00:22:29Marc:Now, you're a Jew.

00:22:33Guest:Yeah.

00:22:35Marc:Did you ever take a trip to Israel?

00:22:36Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:22:37Guest:I lived there.

00:22:38Guest:I lived there.

00:22:39Guest:I thought it was really Jewish for a while.

00:22:40Marc:That was the worst segue I ever did in my life.

00:22:42Marc:I just pretended like we were having a little conversation.

00:22:44Guest:And I didn't get it at first.

00:22:45Guest:I was like, why are you talking?

00:22:46Marc:Maneuver you in like a professional talk show host.

00:22:50Guest:I lived in Israel for a year.

00:22:51Marc:Was that your parents doing?

00:22:52Marc:Like, you know, go, feel this.

00:22:54Guest:No, that was me.

00:22:55Guest:I have no money.

00:22:58Guest:You chose Israel?

00:23:00Guest:I don't.

00:23:00Guest:Well, I just was like, I can live there for a year, and they'll pay for it.

00:23:04Guest:I'll have to work.

00:23:05Guest:Right.

00:23:05Guest:And then I can not make any decisions about my life.

00:23:08Guest:Right.

00:23:09Guest:How'd that go?

00:23:09Guest:I was like 20.

00:23:11Guest:I'm here.

00:23:12Marc:But when I went to Israel, I found I was frightened.

00:23:16Marc:I was trying to be spiritual, but I found that I was just frightened, and no god of any religion could help me.

00:23:22Guest:Right, but you were older.

00:23:23Guest:You were older.

00:23:24Guest:You were trying to go.

00:23:25Guest:I was still in the face of, like, I don't know what I want to do.

00:23:28Guest:I'll just postpone it.

00:23:30Marc:But why wouldn't you go to Europe?

00:23:31Marc:Why would you go to Israel?

00:23:32Guest:I didn't have any money because I could go to Israel and they had like a kibbutz program where you just went there and you worked.

00:23:37Guest:And I was like, it'll be a Navy.

00:23:40Guest:I'll feel a thing and be real Jewish.

00:23:42Guest:Right.

00:23:43Guest:But I didn't.

00:23:44Marc:And how long did you stay?

00:23:45Marc:What happened?

00:23:45Guest:I'd stay there for like 10 months.

00:23:47Guest:And then I did this Israeli army thing.

00:23:51Guest:They had this program in the Israeli army where you could do it.

00:23:54Marc:You could do a summer army thing.

00:23:56Guest:Yes, yes, because it was to hook you in, and maybe you would feel the call, and then you would do the real Israeli army, which was three years, and you'd get six months off that.

00:24:06Guest:That was the hook.

00:24:08Guest:And I had a friend who had done it, and he was like, it's cool, it makes you a man, and you learn to use a compass.

00:24:15Guest:I was like, a compass?

00:24:18Guest:Yeah.

00:24:20Guest:That'll be great.

00:24:22Guest:And it was a 12-week program, three months.

00:24:24Guest:And after six weeks, maybe a little less, I was like, this is not for me.

00:24:30Guest:Six weeks?

00:24:31Guest:I was like, this is not for me at all.

00:24:34Guest:I want to leave.

00:24:35Guest:But the problem is the Israeli army, they don't just let you leave.

00:24:39Guest:We were on like a real army base.

00:24:41Guest:So it wasn't like summer.

00:24:42Guest:They gave you a gun after like eight days.

00:24:45Guest:Also, I was like the oldest.

00:24:47Guest:I was like 23.

00:24:48Guest:I turned 23.

00:24:49Guest:Everyone else was 18.

00:24:50Guest:They were like, kill everyone.

00:24:53Guest:They were like angry Jews.

00:24:55Guest:Really?

00:24:56Marc:I don't understand that at all.

00:24:57Guest:No, no.

00:24:58Guest:Not like intellectual angry Jews.

00:25:00Guest:Like, I want to kill somebody because... I had that today out there.

00:25:05Yeah.

00:25:05Marc:With the Colombian guy on the bicycle.

00:25:08Marc:But there was no ideology behind it other than I was hungry.

00:25:11Guest:So they give you guns after, like, a week because they're like, oh, these guys are cool.

00:25:15Guest:So what happens when you just leave?

00:25:18Guest:There's never a break, and I said to my friend David, all the guys there named David, and...

00:25:26Guest:I said, I was only worried about the gun.

00:25:29Guest:I was like, I'll give them the gun.

00:25:30Guest:They'll be like, we have the M16.

00:25:31Guest:There's another Jew wandering around the desert.

00:25:34Guest:It doesn't matter.

00:25:35Guest:So I ran away, and I was in great shape because I was in the fucking Israeli army.

00:25:43Guest:So I climbed up this 12-foot fence, put my foot on the barbed wire, jumped off.

00:25:47Guest:I picked up my pack that I had thrown, and I just ran.

00:25:51Guest:LAUGHTER

00:25:51Guest:And then I was like, I should have planned more.

00:25:57Guest:But I still felt this euphoria because I thought I would have this experience doing like, oh, I'm tough and I'm doing a real manly thing.

00:26:04Guest:But my experience was like, this is crazy running away, but I love it.

00:26:11Guest:An empowered coward.

00:26:12Guest:I was an empowered coward.

00:26:13Guest:And then I...

00:26:15Guest:I saw a bus station.

00:26:16Guest:It gets really pathetic.

00:26:18Guest:I saw a bus station, and I had to run out from the trees to go to the bus station.

00:26:24Guest:Because when I hit the bus station, I was home free.

00:26:27Guest:And the leader drove up in a Jeep, and he saw me.

00:26:30Guest:And the leader's like 20, but he's like a real guy who's fought in the Army.

00:26:34Guest:And he sees me, and we make eye contact.

00:26:37Guest:He's in full fatigues.

00:26:38Guest:I'm in my t-shirt and shorts.

00:26:41Guest:And we make eye contact.

00:26:43Guest:And I just freeze.

00:26:43Guest:And then I run.

00:26:44Guest:And I see him go like, oh man.

00:26:47Guest:And he drives.

00:26:48Guest:And I'm crouching in the bushes like this.

00:26:51Guest:I'm hiding like this.

00:26:53Guest:But there's leaves.

00:26:55Guest:And then, this is one of the most pathetic things I've ever had someone say to me.

00:26:58Guest:I hear him looking right where I am because I'm not that good.

00:27:03Guest:And I hear him go...

00:27:05Guest:Please don't make me chase you.

00:27:08Guest:Yeah.

00:27:16Guest:I was like, yeah, you're right.

00:27:21Guest:Did they let you go home?

00:27:23Guest:They did, but I had to do like a week where I was like, I was just sat there and I was like, I'm not doing anything.

00:27:30Guest:So it was like the most sad.

00:27:32Guest:My girlfriend at the time came to visit me and she was like, I'm not leaving until you let him leave.

00:27:38Guest:And so they were finally just like, oh, just fucking leave.

00:27:42Yeah.

00:27:42Guest:You idiot.

00:27:45Guest:Give us the gun and get out.

00:27:48Guest:That's hilarious.

00:27:49Guest:So your girlfriend came and said, like, you let my boyfriend go.

00:27:54Guest:Exactly.

00:27:55Guest:To the Israeli army.

00:27:57Guest:It was like the exact farthest part on the spectrum from Nelson Mandela you could get.

00:28:02Guest:It's like my girlfriend with all the chocolate she'd brought.

00:28:09Guest:We're not going anywhere until we can leave.

00:28:14Guest:Leo Allen, ladies and gentlemen.

00:28:22Marc:Oh, my next guest is a very dark, wonderful comedian.

00:28:27Marc:This guy's very funny.

00:28:28Marc:He opens for John Oliver.

00:28:30Marc:I ran into him, I think, at the casino.

00:28:32Marc:Maybe you've seen him on the comedy situations on your TV or computer.

00:28:36Marc:Mike Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen.

00:28:45Marc:Mike, sit here where the microphone is, Mike.

00:28:49Marc:What's on your shirt?

00:28:51Guest:Galactus, Red Skull, Abomination.

00:28:55Guest:You know, the classics.

00:28:56Marc:Bullseye.

00:28:58Marc:How come you're not at Comic-Con?

00:29:00Guest:Because I couldn't afford to go.

00:29:01Guest:I've performed at the New York Comic-Con.

00:29:03Guest:That's pretty awesome.

00:29:05Guest:Wow.

00:29:06Guest:So...

00:29:07Guest:I told Stan Lee to go fuck himself, which is like, it was like, I think the moment I finally grew up.

00:29:13Marc:You told Stan Lee to go fuck himself?

00:29:16Guest:Yeah.

00:29:17Guest:Why?

00:29:17Guest:Well, there's a thing was like the show, it's kind of like an, it's almost like an outdoor show where, you know, like I'm doing a set, but like five minutes before I did the set, I found out that he was charging $80 an autograph.

00:29:33Guest:So I was like fuck you were the only reason you exist and you should be dead right now So were you wearing a spider-man outfit?

00:29:44Guest:No, I was wearing a Batman outfit

00:29:48Guest:Because if you're going to insult a Marvel guy, you've got to do it in D.C.

00:29:52Guest:Ah.

00:29:53Guest:Rules.

00:29:54Guest:And how did he respond to that?

00:29:56Guest:I mean, he probably didn't hear it.

00:29:58Guest:Oh, okay.

00:29:58Guest:But it's like, I still became a man, right, guys?

00:30:02Marc:Sure.

00:30:02Marc:So it was a sort of slightly under-your-breath nerd fuck you.

00:30:07Guest:No, I mean, I screamed it.

00:30:08Guest:Fuck you, you piece of shit.

00:30:10Guest:Fuck you.

00:30:11Guest:I also took off a kid's Watchmen the movie t-shirt and stomped on it and then said, even though you're not wearing your shirt, you're wearing your pride.

00:30:21Marc:Oh, my God.

00:30:23Guest:Yeah, it was pretty awesome.

00:30:25Marc:You must be really popular at Comic-Con that year.

00:30:28Guest:To you, I am a man, but to them, I am a god.

00:30:32Marc:Where did you come from?

00:30:33Guest:Uh...

00:30:36Marc:What's your origin story?

00:30:37Marc:There we go.

00:30:38Marc:I was waiting for it.

00:30:40Guest:His origin story is, he's like if Andy Blitz had a kid when Andy was 10.

00:30:45Guest:Well, my mom was bitten by a radioactive heroin needle.

00:30:52Guest:No, I'm originally from South Florida.

00:30:57Guest:Oh, my God.

00:30:58Guest:Yeah, I love that was one sad clap in the wind right there.

00:31:03Guest:Anything goes in fucking Florida, man.

00:31:04Guest:Yeah, including the N-word publicly.

00:31:11Marc:That's not one of the good things.

00:31:13Marc:No.

00:31:16Marc:It's not in the plus column.

00:31:17Guest:No, although I kind of wish I was still there when Obama won just to hear what real America thought of it.

00:31:23Guest:Because New York, it's just like, yeah, it's great.

00:31:26Guest:But it would be like, one of them is in one of what now?

00:31:30Guest:Like, what?

00:31:32What?

00:31:32Guest:You would have seen the lone tear in the wind.

00:31:37Guest:It would have been kind of a beautiful thing.

00:31:38Marc:I'm sure you could go down there on any day currently and still experience that sentiment.

00:31:44Guest:That's why all the people who go to Florida are the ones who are defeated by New York.

00:31:51Guest:You know what?

00:31:51Guest:I don't want to see two men kiss each other.

00:31:53Guest:I'll be at the Keys.

00:31:54Guest:Yeah.

00:31:55Marc:Well, that's really far away, or else it's just old people who seem to think they're supposed to go.

00:32:02Marc:Like, my mother lives in Florida, and there are some dirty old fucks down there.

00:32:05Marc:I mean, there are widowers in Florida that just run around playing handball and taking Viagra and fucking anything.

00:32:12Guest:I must feel like the way that artists come here, you're like, I'm a pretty good fucking widower.

00:32:19Guest:I better go down to Florida.

00:32:21Guest:I'm going to be the best goddamn widower I can be.

00:32:24Guest:My pine cones are going to have more symbolism than anyone else's fucking pine cones.

00:32:29Guest:I miss you, Marie.

00:32:30Guest:I miss your scent.

00:32:32Guest:See, I've visited my grandma a lot.

00:32:36Guest:In Florida?

00:32:37Guest:This is literally, I'm not, and I never once ever want to say I'm not making this up, but I really am not.

00:32:43Guest:The name of her retirement home was The Preserve.

00:32:49Guest:In Boca Raton.

00:32:52Guest:But you knew that.

00:32:54Guest:Boca.

00:32:55Guest:My favorite moment is I went there once and we're playing bingo and you really have to see old people play bingo.

00:33:03Guest:It's like rugby but more violent.

00:33:06Guest:When someone calls bingo and they don't have bingo, it's like at the end of the movie Ghost when the ghost drag the guy down to hell.

00:33:17Guest:They fucking blacklist you.

00:33:19Guest:And these are people who are alive during the blacklist, so they know how to do it pretty well.

00:33:25Guest:It's intense.

00:33:27Guest:What did you say, Meredith?

00:33:30Guest:It's I-50, all right?

00:33:32Guest:Oh, my God.

00:33:33Marc:Yeah, it's crazy.

00:33:34Marc:Do you still go down there?

00:33:35Marc:Your family's still down there?

00:33:36Guest:No, no one's down there.

00:33:37Guest:They all migrated, left, freed themselves.

00:33:41Guest:I don't know what the word is.

00:33:43Guest:They're all gone.

00:33:44Marc:Oh, really?

00:33:44Marc:How'd you get into comedy, though?

00:33:47Guest:I never wanted to.

00:33:48Guest:My mom was a comedian.

00:33:50Guest:Get out.

00:33:51Guest:Yeah, she opened for you.

00:33:52Guest:Yeah, stop it.

00:33:53Guest:Yeah.

00:33:53Guest:Are you serious?

00:33:54Guest:Yeah.

00:33:54Guest:What was your name?

00:33:55Guest:Fuck her, don't worry.

00:33:58Okay.

00:33:58Marc:I love you, father.

00:34:01Marc:I always wondered.

00:34:03Guest:What if I just came out here and I was like, face me!

00:34:06Guest:That would be so great.

00:34:09Guest:I'd be willing to say that'd be the best WTF ever.

00:34:12Guest:Oh my god, that would be amazing.

00:34:14Guest:What if my credit was the one regret I don't talk about?

00:34:19Marc:That would be so great if you were my son.

00:34:21Marc:Yeah.

00:34:22Marc:DNA test with you when you come.

00:34:24Marc:Holy shit.

00:34:25Marc:Wait, so what was her name?

00:34:26Guest:Her name was originally Alice Lawrence when she started, then she remarried.

00:34:31Guest:Alice Colon, probably when she worked with you.

00:34:34Marc:But there weren't a lot of women comics.

00:34:35Marc:What happened?

00:34:36Marc:Why'd she get out of it?

00:34:36Guest:Um, I think, I don't know.

00:34:38Guest:I think it was just like too much.

00:34:40Guest:And, and my grandma was getting more sick and stuff.

00:34:42Guest:She never really left Florida.

00:34:44Guest:I mean, so it was one of those things.

00:34:46Guest:Yeah.

00:34:46Guest:I'm the, I'm the reason she didn't make it.

00:34:48Guest:That's me.

00:34:48Guest:Uh, but no, she already, she already had kids when, when she started it.

00:34:52Guest:Right.

00:34:53Guest:It really is like this kind of like my dad didn't want her to do it.

00:34:56Guest:Right.

00:34:57Guest:Uh, and, and I think that was one of the reasons that they divorced.

00:35:01Guest:Really?

00:35:01Marc:So is this all, is your whole career about just saying fuck you to your dad?

00:35:04Guest:No, cause I love them.

00:35:05Guest:No, it's not.

00:35:06Guest:Oh,

00:35:06Guest:I'm better than mom, right?

00:35:09Guest:That's my whole career.

00:35:14Guest:I wrote better jokes about their divorce than she did.

00:35:16Guest:Comedy caused a divorce?

00:35:21Guest:I mean, no.

00:35:22Guest:Well, he was an alcoholic, too.

00:35:24Guest:But he also leaves that out.

00:35:26Guest:So I'm just being consistent.

00:35:31Marc:So you are the offspring of an alcoholic and a comedian.

00:35:35Marc:Big things are going to happen for you.

00:35:39Marc:That's one of the best origin stories I've ever heard in my life.

00:35:42Guest:He's a comedy superhero.

00:35:43Guest:Now you know why I have to believe in comic books.

00:35:50Guest:At least Superman's planet died.

00:35:51Guest:Mine just kept going on talking about demons.

00:35:54Guest:At least Batman's parents took him to the movies every once in a while.

00:36:04Guest:But yeah, she's like, she's overly, it's weird, she's overly supportive of the career.

00:36:10Guest:Really?

00:36:11Guest:Yeah.

00:36:11Marc:She's probably living through you a little bit, huh?

00:36:13Marc:A lot of it.

00:36:14Guest:Yeah.

00:36:14Guest:I mean, she is.

00:36:16Guest:I mean, it's weird too because like we, you know, we often like sometimes write about the same stuff.

00:36:20Guest:Like she wrote about visiting her, you know, mom in the retirement home and the joke would be like, you know, she'd do like a Jewish act out like, oh no, it's so crazy in here.

00:36:30Guest:Yeah.

00:36:30Guest:And my jokes are about like, you know, people dying and stuff.

00:36:34Yeah.

00:36:34Guest:My joke about visiting my grandma is a lot more harsh.

00:36:39Marc:Yeah.

00:36:40Marc:Well, your jokes are pretty heavy.

00:36:41Marc:Are there jokes that your mother says, maybe you shouldn't do that, Michael?

00:36:45Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:36:46Guest:This is a story like when I did the John Oliver show.

00:36:50Guest:I taped for that.

00:36:52Guest:Yeah.

00:36:52Guest:She gave me a call two days before the taping.

00:36:55Guest:It was going to be on my birthday, my debut.

00:36:57Guest:It was like this amazing moment.

00:36:58Guest:But I was nervous.

00:37:00Guest:She called me.

00:37:00Guest:She was like, don't do your closer.

00:37:02Guest:My closer ends with a punchline.

00:37:05Guest:From this day forth, you shall have the face of a rapist and the self-esteem of one of his victims.

00:37:13Guest:And she was like, you're going to say you're a rapist and people are going to boo you for being a rapist on your birthday.

00:37:20Yeah.

00:37:21Guest:Which that alone would still be in the top five birthdays.

00:37:28Guest:Well, at least people showed up to this one, so it's not bad.

00:37:32Guest:Unlike Dad.

00:37:33Guest:Yeah, there's no one doing the Macarena.

00:37:35Guest:It's okay.

00:37:37Guest:But yeah, so she was terrified of it, and I was like, you can't do this.

00:37:41Guest:You can't tell me this now.

00:37:43Guest:And I did the joke, and it went fine, and no one called me a rapist.

00:37:47Marc:Did she stop bothering you?

00:37:48Guest:No.

00:37:49No.

00:37:50Guest:she wanted to be my manager for a while and it's all coming that's the thing is that because i know she's going to listen to this and we're going to have an hour-long phone call really to the theme from what we room for a dream i'm sorry

00:38:06Guest:She gets really upset about this stuff.

00:38:11Guest:I know it's coming from this warm, loving place.

00:38:17Marc:Don't assume that.

00:38:18Marc:You have to... That's a bill of goods they sell you.

00:38:21Marc:It might be coming from a horrible, selfish, needy place.

00:38:24Marc:See, you do remember her.

00:38:26Marc:LAUGHTER

00:38:32Marc:It's all coming back to me.

00:38:33Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:38:36Marc:Did you have jobs before comedy?

00:38:37Guest:Yeah.

00:38:38Guest:Like what?

00:38:39Guest:I worked at McDonald's for seven years.

00:38:42Marc:No one works at McDonald's for seven years.

00:38:44Marc:They design it so no one does that.

00:38:47Guest:Yeah, and I'm white.

00:38:49Guest:It's a weird, weird thing.

00:38:54Guest:Just by being on Comedy Central once, I'm the most successful McDonald's employee of all time.

00:39:00Guest:I beat out a clown, and he was meant for comedy, so that's pretty impressive.

00:39:06Marc:Wait, how do you stay at McDonald's for seven years?

00:39:08Marc:I mean, there's no health care.

00:39:09Marc:They don't change your wage.

00:39:10Guest:Yeah, I started at $5.25 an hour and ended at $6.45 an hour.

00:39:16Marc:Seven years later.

00:39:17Guest:Yeah, and that's after four raises, three of which were government mandated.

00:39:26Guest:But you know what?

00:39:28Guest:The thing is that so many comics are like

00:39:31Guest:sad and they're like oh this is the life I've chosen and it's terrible like fuck you okay because when you work a job like that like you really have perspective of like how amazing this is we get paid a decent amount of money to just talk about shit

00:39:48Guest:for people like that's pretty good when you when you get like five dollars and 25 cents to be yelled at and people haven't even seen your face yet so there's no context for it like it's it's rough i mean and like that's something like heckling doesn't bother me because i had people yell at me for mcnuggets you know yeah

00:40:09Guest:Like once you go there, it's, I mean, it's like comedy is like an amazing, I'm like, I'm so happy to be here because like just doing one feature spot, I get paid the same amount I would for three weeks of work for 30 minutes.

00:40:24Guest:I mean, just on math principles, that's pretty amazing.

00:40:27Marc:Well, congratulations.

00:40:28Marc:But there's still the question of how the fuck did you stay there seven years?

00:40:31Marc:I mean, there was other places to work.

00:40:33Marc:I mean, I mean, I understand that.

00:40:35Guest:There was Burger King.

00:40:36Guest:There was Arby's.

00:40:38Marc:Really?

00:40:40Marc:That was all you saw at that time?

00:40:41Marc:Was fast food outlets for possibilities?

00:40:43Guest:I just had low self-esteem.

00:40:45Guest:I was never a manager.

00:40:48Guest:Was it offered to you?

00:40:51Guest:No.

00:40:53Guest:You know why?

00:40:54Guest:I showed up ten minutes late every day.

00:40:57Guest:Because, yeah, you can't be fired.

00:40:59Guest:I saw a guy spit in the five vat, and they didn't fire him.

00:41:02Guest:Yeah, but it'll kill what's ever in his spit.

00:41:06Guest:I mean, but it was just one of those things.

00:41:08Guest:I mean, I was in college part of when I was there.

00:41:12Guest:I taught people to speak English while I was there.

00:41:14Guest:It was like this really... They could make an Oscar-winning movie out of it someday.

00:41:19Guest:Just...

00:41:20Marc:Did people from your school come and buy burgers from you?

00:41:25Guest:My guidance counselor saw me when I was 20 years old.

00:41:30Guest:She was this old black woman.

00:41:32Guest:She gave me the mmm.

00:41:36Guest:That's only reserved for Tyler Perry movies.

00:41:40Guest:Like, how could you?

00:41:42Guest:Really?

00:41:43Guest:Like, she was... Because, you know, she believed in me.

00:41:46Guest:But I was also... But that's just my mentality.

00:41:49Guest:I was in a... I mean, just like the whole thing of being a nerd.

00:41:53Guest:Like, when you see these fucking comic book movies and they break your heart, but then you're like, well, the next Spider-Man will be good.

00:41:58Guest:It's just... It's all in that same, you know, false hope.

00:42:02Guest:I was in a relationship for four and a half years and we never had sex.

00:42:06Guest:I mean... So...

00:42:10Marc:Was this why you worked at McDonald's?

00:42:12Guest:Yeah.

00:42:13Guest:I mean, that four and a half years was during the McDonald's, you know?

00:42:17Guest:It's just, I was like, okay.

00:42:19Guest:I was like the biggest pushover.

00:42:20Marc:Yeah.

00:42:21Marc:That's one word for it.

00:42:24Guest:So now it's like, I mean, I'm just like, I'm really happy to be doing what I'm doing.

00:42:29Guest:Well, I'm happy you are too.

00:42:31Marc:It's funny.

00:42:31Marc:Every time I watch your standup and now like, you know, everything was like, you know, percolating along.

00:42:36Marc:And then at some point, not like when I watch your standup, I feel slightly heartbroken, but happy.

00:42:40Guest:Yeah, well, that's like people come up to me after shows and they're like, I hope that's fake.

00:42:46Guest:Please, please, because I can't go home tonight and sleep if you are half of what you say you are.

00:42:55Marc:Mike Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen.

00:43:00Guest:Good story.

00:43:02Guest:I feel like saying thank you for not shooting anybody.

00:43:08Guest:How did you not shoot anybody?

00:43:10Guest:Because they all believed in God at my school.

00:43:13Guest:What was your outlet for rage?

00:43:17Guest:Well, comic books and masturbation.

00:43:20Guest:To those comic books.

00:43:22Guest:You know, She-Hulk may not be real, but she still saves some people.

00:43:29Guest:All right.

00:43:31Marc:My next guest is the host of the podcast How Was Your Week?

00:43:36Marc:She was also the author of the book I Don't Care About Your Band.

00:43:40Marc:Please welcome Julie Klausner to the stage.

00:43:42Marc:Thank you.

00:43:47Marc:Hello.

00:43:49Marc:Yay.

00:43:50Marc:Hello.

00:43:52Marc:Have a microphone.

00:43:53Marc:Sit down next to Mike.

00:43:55Marc:He worked at McDonald's for seven years.

00:43:58Marc:He didn't have sex for four and a half once.

00:44:00Guest:Oh, you read my book.

00:44:01Marc:I love the title of your book.

00:44:04Marc:I don't have the book, but I have questions about the book.

00:44:07Marc:These are salts.

00:44:09Guest:They're not what the kids are smoking, bath salts.

00:44:11Guest:They're just actual bath salts.

00:44:12Marc:No, I think you can smoke these.

00:44:14Marc:Am I right?

00:44:15Marc:You can smoke them, right?

00:44:16No.

00:44:16Marc:It's different.

00:44:18Marc:Did you see that episode of Bad Addictions?

00:44:20Marc:Is that what that's called?

00:44:22Marc:Did you see the one where the woman chewed on dryer sheets?

00:44:24Guest:Yeah, that's my strange addiction.

00:44:26Guest:You saw that?

00:44:27Marc:She wrapped them in toilet paper and chewed dryer sheets?

00:44:30Guest:My favorite.

00:44:31Guest:And then they gave her a black therapist, be like, maybe this one will reach that one.

00:44:35Marc:No, but she sat there almost shameless, like, I just like it.

00:44:40Guest:And then they asked her why, and she's like, well, I don't want to use the excuse that I'm a single parent.

00:44:44Guest:And you're like, what?

00:44:45What?

00:44:46Marc:That old excuse for chewing on dryer sheets?

00:44:49Guest:Yeah.

00:44:51Marc:I was fascinated by it because she was sort of like, it just calms me, and it's like toxic.

00:44:56Marc:And she's figured out a system so it doesn't stink, so she wraps it with toilet paper, and then they show her with her kid who's sitting there eating toilet paper, and she's saying, stop it.

00:45:03Marc:Like, you know, I learned it from you.

00:45:06Guest:Well, yeah, exactly.

00:45:07Guest:Yeah.

00:45:08Marc:Then there was that hack who swept in the crib.

00:45:10Marc:I didn't believe that for a second.

00:45:11Guest:Oh, the woman who felt comfortable as a baby?

00:45:13Guest:I didn't buy that for 50 cents.

00:45:14Marc:No, fuck that.

00:45:15Marc:Aren't they called fuzzies or something?

00:45:17Marc:What are the people that do that called?

00:45:18Guest:Those are furries, and you're thinking of the ones that like plushies.

00:45:21Marc:Yeah, plushies.

00:45:22Guest:I think the infantilism thing is something that men like in a sexual way.

00:45:27Marc:I have a ball pillow.

00:45:28Marc:I don't know if you heard me, but I have it.

00:45:30Marc:That I hugged, because I think it's a placenta thing.

00:45:33Guest:Oh, really?

00:45:33Marc:Yeah.

00:45:35Marc:Okay.

00:45:35Marc:So I'm going way back.

00:45:36Marc:It's not just in phantomism.

00:45:37Guest:No, I can see that.

00:45:37Guest:It's very Freudian.

00:45:38Marc:I'm like pre-born.

00:45:39Guest:Yeah.

00:45:40Guest:Yeah, but no, I didn't buy her at all.

00:45:42Marc:No, I was like, what is this?

00:45:43Marc:Let's see another half hour of the Lady Elise dryer sheets.

00:45:46Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:45:46Guest:Exactly.

00:45:47Guest:Like, pick up the series.

00:45:48Marc:Yeah, but I didn't realize...

00:45:52Marc:I didn't realize that for some reason it struck me that you can really invent a compulsive behavior that's completely original.

00:45:58Marc:I was sort of proud of her for that.

00:46:00Marc:And commit to it because it actually works.

00:46:03Guest:Well, commitment is the secret of addiction.

00:46:06Guest:Yes.

00:46:07Marc:You don't got to tell me.

00:46:08Marc:You can't phone it in with dryer sheets.

00:46:10Guest:You can't phone it in.

00:46:11Marc:Nope.

00:46:12Marc:You got to be in that shit.

00:46:14Marc:Have you been addicted to things?

00:46:16Guest:No.

00:46:17Guest:Never?

00:46:17Guest:No, just, like, you know, food, but, like, that's just being Jewish, like, neurotic kind of stuff.

00:46:23Marc:Oh, who's in a little denial?

00:46:25Guest:Just that, you know, food, because it's Jewish, and I'm... Food, but not, like, I've never, like, had an eating disorder.

00:46:31Guest:Like, I, you know... Really?

00:46:33Guest:Well, I eat my feelings, but what else do you have to do with them?

00:46:37Guest:Wait for them to pass?

00:46:38Guest:I mean...

00:46:41Marc:It's supposed to stuff those things with whatever is available.

00:46:44Guest:Oh, completely.

00:46:45Marc:So we're Jews.

00:46:47Marc:I didn't know Mike was a Jew.

00:46:48Marc:Yeah, that's interesting.

00:46:49Guest:Leo's a Jew.

00:46:50Guest:All Jews.

00:46:51Guest:A veritable Seder.

00:46:52Guest:Yeah.

00:46:55Guest:I didn't even say Jew.

00:46:56Guest:I just said Boca Raton and you figured it out.

00:47:00Guest:Yeah, you don't need to be Columbo to figure that out.

00:47:05Marc:Um, I, now the, I don't care about your band thing.

00:47:09Marc:Did you have to date like all the, like, cause there's a list of people.

00:47:12Guest:Sure.

00:47:12Marc:And I, I mean, I don't mean to, I don't, I, you know, I rarely do research, but I found this fascinating.

00:47:17Marc:What I learned from indie rockers, trust funders, pornographers, faux sensitive hipsters, felons, and other guys I've dated.

00:47:23Guest:Right.

00:47:24Marc:You dated one from each one of those.

00:47:26Guest:Yeah, actually that subtitle was something I added to jazz up the title because right before it was released they were concerned that the title might be too niche.

00:47:35Guest:Yeah.

00:47:36Guest:That it might be like not appealing to maybe older women or oh is this just about dating musicians kind of thing.

00:47:43Guest:Right, right.

00:47:43Guest:So I added that title so it was like you know this is a

00:47:46Guest:comedy book and it's funny because there's so many words on it but yeah but yeah like that that just um that that came from the examples in the book but but what i think you're asking is whether this was stunt journalism whether i actually set out to be like well who's gonna be the felon but it was not like that at all it would just it it was really just i was looking for love not looking for experiences to write a book about

00:48:10Guest:And it just kind of happened to be that I had these stories that I started writing, and I, you know, they became a book.

00:48:17Marc:Well, okay, let's start with the pornographer.

00:48:19Guest:Well, that was a guy who had transitioned from, like, he was in marketing, and he was into, like, which is so much worse when you think about it.

00:48:31It's like...

00:48:31Guest:but but he was um he he was somebody who was like like oh there was this porn star that he was working with and it's like well let's get her together with fubu and you're like terrific idea like he was sort of in the business of sure sure taking sex or not even sex because porn is different than sex and and making it more mainstream and making like porn stars more like just how he was responsible for that

00:48:56Guest:Well, I think that he was a part of that in the way that Sasha Gray on Entourage, like how it's kind of like, you know, kind of hip to have like... A porn friend?

00:49:06Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:49:07Guest:He was sort of in that world.

00:49:10Guest:So like on our second date, he brought me like a glass vibrator and it was weird.

00:49:16Marc:The second date?

00:49:18Marc:That's like a third or fourth day thing.

00:49:20Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:49:21Guest:It's like anniversary.

00:49:22Guest:First is paper, second wood, third is glass.

00:49:25Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:27Marc:But all dildos.

00:49:28Guest:All dildos all the time.

00:49:30Guest:That was what they wanted me to title the book.

00:49:35Marc:So then what happened?

00:49:36Marc:How long did that relationship last?

00:49:37Guest:It wasn't a relationship.

00:49:38Guest:These were all miscarriages, which I know is a terrible way of referring to anything in an intent to be cute or funny.

00:49:48Guest:But they were all failed related.

00:49:50Guest:They never took off.

00:49:51Guest:the felon what kind of felon well he um was uh someone who was sober like we was like we went to a movie sober felon exactly so we went to a we saw indiana jones and the crystal skull which is like which is like you know what i mean that's like i'd rather be with a glass dildo yeah

00:50:10Guest:Exactly.

00:50:11Guest:That was like, that was the premonition that it was going to be a terrible evening.

00:50:17Guest:There's like aliens in that, but you're like, what?

00:50:20Guest:You know, I can talk about Crystal Skull for like 20 minutes.

00:50:23Guest:No, thank you.

00:50:23Guest:I appreciate that.

00:50:25Guest:And then after we went to a bar and he ordered black coffee and I was like, okay.

00:50:30Guest:And then he talked to me about, he's sober now and here's why.

00:50:33Guest:And one night he was arrested for, or he was drunk and he like, he thought it would be funny to steal a car, the ignition keys of which were already in the car.

00:50:45Guest:And he was taking a joyride and then like halfway down the road, he looked at the rear view mirror and there was a baby in the back seat.

00:50:54Guest:So guess who was charged with, like, kidnapping in DWI?

00:50:58Guest:You know?

00:50:59Guest:Sure.

00:51:00Guest:When he told me that story, I was thinking, well, mostly of myself.

00:51:03Guest:How am I going to get out of this?

00:51:04Guest:And what am I doing?

00:51:05Guest:And I'm almost 30.

00:51:07Guest:But I also pictured that scene in Raising Arizona with that sweet little baby in the back seat just sort of being like, all right, here we go.

00:51:16Guest:And then they got the most...

00:51:17Guest:calm baby no harm no foul though the baby wasn't hurt the baby wasn't hurt and uh and yeah so that was a story that was I think that was the first date so wow yeah so that only lasted one day yes now what have you I assume that you've dated a lot of indie rockers

00:51:34Guest:Well, the title of the book came from an experience that I had going out with a musician.

00:51:40Marc:How do you characterize musicians as boyfriends?

00:51:42Guest:You know, it depends on the musician, and I think that generationally there are things that are different, and then there are things that are the same.

00:51:49Guest:One of the things that are the same unilaterally about musicians is I think that they have more intimacy with their bandmates than they're able to have with a romantic partner.

00:52:01Marc:How much did it cost you?

00:52:02Guest:To what?

00:52:03Marc:To be with him.

00:52:04Marc:How much money did he take from you?

00:52:05Guest:Oh, you know.

00:52:07Marc:Seriously.

00:52:07Guest:Again, that was only a couple of dates, so I wasn't in the red, no.

00:52:16Marc:You weren't buying equipment or beer?

00:52:18Guest:Oh, God, no.

00:52:19Guest:And that was the thing, too.

00:52:20Guest:The reason why it's called that is I really didn't not only care about his band, I didn't like his band.

00:52:26Guest:But he approached me, and he was so cute.

00:52:29Guest:Wow.

00:52:30Guest:I don't think, I think people have philosophies about like, oh, women are attracted to power.

00:52:34Guest:It's like, no, pretty face me want that.

00:52:38Guest:And I was like, bleh, you know.

00:52:44Guest:And he approached me and I was like, fine.

00:52:46Guest:Oh, that's a good lyric.

00:52:48Guest:Oh, my God.

00:52:50Guest:But yeah, so we went out and then he like disappointed me.

00:52:56Guest:I don't want to say that he dumped me because we weren't really like a thing as much as like,

00:52:59Guest:I left my earrings at his place, not intentionally, I swear to God.

00:53:04Guest:And then I asked him to give them back to me, and I didn't hear from him for a while.

00:53:08Guest:And then he was like, oh, sorry, I've been out of town.

00:53:11Guest:I've been seeing somebody new.

00:53:13Guest:And I was like, I didn't ask that.

00:53:15Guest:And it was...

00:53:15Guest:sort of offered and then I got really mad and I was like I don't even your music is terrible it's so boring and and fuck you and how dare you and um and all the rage that uh you know men feel when they're rejected I think it's I think it's the same thing with women so uh did you get those earrings or

00:53:37Guest:You bet I got those earrings.

00:53:39Guest:You bet I got those earrings back.

00:53:41Guest:They were and are adorable.

00:53:43Guest:I got them in Chicago.

00:53:45Guest:They were like, they'd be the toast of Etsy.

00:53:48Guest:They were so damn cute.

00:53:53Marc:How about faux-sensitive hipsters?

00:53:54Marc:I like this.

00:53:55Marc:Did you date some weird, kind of repressed, violent, phony of a bearded person?

00:54:00Guest:I wish they were violent.

00:54:03Guest:I feel like...

00:54:06Guest:Mike and I just met.

00:54:08Guest:Me wanty your pretty face.

00:54:13Guest:Fellow ginge.

00:54:15Guest:Faux sensitive to me is really just a way of saying like, oh, this guy seems like he gets it, but like he's only porous in one way.

00:54:25Guest:Like he's able to hurt, but he's not able to understand what you're feeling.

00:54:30Guest:Yeah.

00:54:30Guest:And that's a thing that I was all over, and, um... It's a bummer, like... Hold on, let me roll that around in my mind for a minute.

00:54:43Marc:Like when you said that, I hurt a little bit.

00:54:46Guest:Yeah, I do too.

00:54:47Marc:I felt like you were talking about me, maybe.

00:54:50Marc:But I understand what you're feeling right now.

00:54:52Guest:Yeah, that like women who grew up, who were like my age, like, you know, mid-30s, I grew up with Lloyd Dobler being like the guy that they want.

00:55:00Guest:And then you meet him and he's just like not available or you hurt him.

00:55:05Guest:He's just, he's too easily bruised.

00:55:07Guest:He's like a peach.

00:55:08Guest:But then when you mentioned like, when you do something that hurts me and he's like, what are you talking about?

00:55:12Guest:So it's like a one-way... Yeah, it's a one-way empathy.

00:55:18Marc:Wait, so you think this is a generational thing?

00:55:21Marc:Because, like, I mean, I know exactly what you're talking about.

00:55:24Marc:So, you know, like, very sensitive.

00:55:27Marc:Like, it could maybe, if you looked at my Twitter feed yesterday...

00:55:34Marc:Some, like, eco-friendly girl said something that was supposed to be a joke, and I basically said, you know, fuck you.

00:55:40Guest:That's hilarious.

00:55:41Guest:No, that's not it.

00:55:42Guest:That's awesome.

00:55:43Guest:That's not... I don't think of that as sensitive at all.

00:55:46Guest:I think she's the one who's, you know... What did she say, by the way?

00:55:49Marc:I don't know.

00:55:50Marc:I misunderstood it.

00:55:51Marc:But I, um...

00:55:52Marc:But I end up apologizing a lot.

00:55:54Marc:But I know what you mean.

00:55:56Marc:What is that thing, though, the lack of empathy thing?

00:55:59Guest:It's narcissism, and it's fragility, and I think that we're...

00:56:09Guest:Wait, but is it worse with older guys or younger guys?

00:56:12Guest:No, I think it's guys my age.

00:56:15Guest:I think you guys are like 10 years over.

00:56:17Guest:I'm talking about mostly men in their 30s.

00:56:20Marc:I think every man in this room is having that moment where they're like, all right, enough with the topic.

00:56:26Marc:Can we move on from the topic?

00:56:28Marc:I'm here on a date.

00:56:29Marc:I don't need to talk about this shit later.

00:56:31Marc:There doesn't...

00:56:33Guest:The girls they're on dates with already know.

00:56:35Guest:I mean, they already, like... Because that's the other thing that I realized, like, generationally, that we're dealing with a generation of girls that have their shit together like you've never seen before.

00:56:47Guest:These are...

00:56:48Guest:young girls who are like on the internet and like they're funnier than like I was ever able to be at that age and they like they grew up knowing they were entitled to like have a career you know have a have a great boyfriend or that they don't need a boyfriend like this is like a race of super girls and the equivalent guys are just like not up to the task and it's a bummer

00:57:16Guest:I don't think any of us would have fucked half the girls we did if we knew we'd be written about in a book someday.

00:57:21Guest:No geyser on the internet.

00:57:24Guest:Wait, you know... Tell me more about this race of supergirls.

00:57:35Marc:I'll tell you something about this race of supergirls.

00:57:37Marc:They all have an Achilles heel.

00:57:39Marc:Kryptonite.

00:57:40Marc:That's right.

00:57:42Marc:I'm not going to be sexist or anything, but I've met a lot of fucking bat-crazy supergirls.

00:57:46Guest:When you say supergirls, you mean like women that seem to have their shit together, but then there's something that just makes them unravel that they're not dealing with?

00:57:53Marc:Yeah, that's the good part.

00:57:55Marc:I don't understand.

00:57:56Marc:I mean, if you can't find that in someone you love, why are you even there?

00:58:00Guest:Well, that's also... But that's also just, like, how are you going to connect and what way are you vulnerable?

00:58:05Guest:Otherwise, what's the point?

00:58:06Marc:That's exactly right.

00:58:07Marc:So I don't need a fucking super girl.

00:58:10Guest:I think that these girls are more vulnerable than they seem to be, but I also think they have their shit together more than, like, the guys that they're dating.

00:58:17Marc:Well, look, I find myself in a position where, you know, perhaps what you're talking about is true, and I have been...

00:58:25Marc:Like, I, you know, I do have a super girl right now who actually said this to me honestly.

00:58:31Guest:I'll bet you do.

00:58:31Marc:You know what she said to me when I was mad at her?

00:58:34Marc:She said, use your words.

00:58:36Marc:Now, I, um, so I don't... Good.

00:58:40Guest:I'll bet you have that.

00:58:41Marc:But is that a super girl or am I just a fucking child?

00:58:44Guest:I mean, I don't... It's both.

00:58:45Guest:It's both and more importantly, it's what you need.

00:58:48Marc:I know because I cried then.

00:58:50Guest:Good.

00:58:51Guest:And then you made up.

00:58:53Guest:Well, the strength of a hero is defined by the weakness of their villains.

00:59:03Guest:I find the only way I can really open up to somebody is if I know I know how to take them down.

00:59:09Guest:Now we're talking about love.

00:59:12Guest:Is that bad?

00:59:13Marc:Julie.

00:59:14Guest:Mark.

00:59:15Marc:So tell me about the guy in your life.

00:59:17Guest:My boyfriend.

00:59:17Guest:I've been together with him for three years.

00:59:19Marc:Uh-huh.

00:59:20Marc:Does he talk?

00:59:22Guest:You mean, like, am I deafening as, like, the Jewish, like, droning bees that are destroying cell phones kind of, like?

00:59:31Guest:Sure, something like that.

00:59:32Marc:I don't know.

00:59:32Guest:He talks.

00:59:33Marc:Yeah.

00:59:34Marc:Is he Jewish?

00:59:35Guest:No, he's a wasp.

00:59:37Guest:Which is another thing that I... Is your girlfriend Jewish?

00:59:40Marc:No.

00:59:41Guest:It's a thing, right?

00:59:42Marc:I married a Jew once.

00:59:43Marc:I did that once.

00:59:44Guest:How did that go?

00:59:45Marc:Well, I do a joke about it.

00:59:48Marc:I say the problem with being a Jew and marrying a Jew, that means that everything you hated about going home is now in your house.

00:59:56Guest:So it's like you can go home again, but it's probably better if you don't.

01:00:01Marc:There's a reason why you left home.

01:00:02Guest:Maybe stay for the other movie at the Film Forum.

01:00:06Guest:It's raining anyway.

01:00:07Marc:Just go home for the Seder if you have to.

01:00:08Guest:Oh, you have to.

01:00:11Marc:What about you?

01:00:12Guest:Have you tried Jews?

01:00:14Guest:I've gone out with a... I do think that there's a... Whether it was culturally unbred from having gone to Hebrew school or whether it's in my DNA, there has been sparks that I've been aware of when I've gone out with a Jewish guy being like...

01:00:27Guest:Marry him.

01:00:29Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:30Guest:And that's very not, I'm not like that at all.

01:00:32Guest:Was that your mother?

01:00:33Marc:Or is that just your inner voice that speaks like Colonel Klink?

01:00:35Guest:My inner voice sounds exactly like my mother, who is Colonel Klink.

01:00:40Marc:Julie Klausner, ladies and gentlemen.

01:00:49Marc:Feel free to have a cake pop.

01:00:50Marc:Anybody can have a cake pop.

01:00:52Marc:Seriously, eat a cake pop.

01:00:54Marc:Okay, we're going to try to deal with this next guest as decently as possible.

01:01:00Marc:Him and I go way back.

01:01:01Marc:I think we're very deep friends, but I resist it constantly.

01:01:09Marc:But I think I love him.

01:01:11Marc:He hosts a show called The Majority Report.

01:01:14Marc:It's now available, I think, somehow on your phone or something.

01:01:18Marc:Um...

01:01:23Marc:Please welcome Sam Seder to the stage.

01:01:29Marc:No tie, no tie.

01:01:32Marc:What happened to the tie?

01:01:34Marc:What happened to the tie?

01:01:35Guest:It's actually called the majority report.

01:01:40Marc:Where can you get that so people can tune in?

01:01:41Guest:You can go to majority.fm.

01:01:43Marc:.fm.

01:01:44Guest:It's about politics.

01:01:45Guest:It's not so much about the masturbation and that type of stuff.

01:01:49Guest:You can deny who you... You remember what politics was, right?

01:01:51Marc:Sure, I do.

01:01:52Marc:I'm sure I do.

01:01:53Marc:Why don't you give us a little... I can take it, believe me.

01:01:55Marc:I...

01:01:56Guest:I didn't wear the tie for you.

01:01:58Guest:I know that.

01:01:58Marc:That was coming for my last gig.

01:02:00Marc:Yeah, what was that gig?

01:02:01Guest:I have multiple gigs.

01:02:02Marc:Yeah, what was the gig where you wore a tie?

01:02:04Guest:I was on MSNBC.

01:02:05Guest:Were you an usher at a theater?

01:02:06Guest:Oh.

01:02:07Guest:And then I ushered.

01:02:13Guest:And I got off.

01:02:14Guest:I got off for an hour or two, and I've got to get back for the dinner rush.

01:02:17Guest:So... That's what I'm doing.

01:02:20Marc:Oh, it's so good to see you.

01:02:21Guest:You don't have stands?

01:02:22Guest:Mike stands?

01:02:23Marc:No, we just hold... I figured you could hold the mic.

01:02:25Guest:Well...

01:02:26Marc:You know, when I saw you walk in, I thought it was going to be difficult.

01:02:30Guest:You didn't actually see me walk in.

01:02:32Guest:You were yelling at the people who delivered food.

01:02:36Guest:It's actually on my list of things to talk to you about.

01:02:40Marc:All right.

01:02:42Guest:Yeah, it was number five.

01:02:44Marc:Yeah, let's start at number one.

01:02:46Guest:Your behavior to the food delivery people was reprehensible.

01:02:50Guest:Yeah.

01:02:53Marc:I apologize, kind of.

01:02:54Guest:Don't you fucking have fucking my app?

01:02:59Guest:I didn't.

01:03:02Guest:It was unbelievable.

01:03:04Marc:Yeah, okay, what's number one?

01:03:06Guest:I don't believe you didn't try to fuck Mike Lawrence's mom.

01:03:09Guest:That's what I had as number one.

01:03:16Guest:Just say I love you just in case.

01:03:19Marc:Right.

01:03:20Marc:I love you, and it was great.

01:03:22Guest:No, I didn't say you did.

01:03:25Guest:I'm just, I don't believe you didn't try to.

01:03:27Marc:I don't remember.

01:03:28Marc:What's number two?

01:03:29Guest:It's like an intervention when people are like, your behavior has affected us negatively in the following ways.

01:03:35Guest:This is not, I mean, it's, oh, I ran into Christopher Freeland today.

01:03:39Marc:Yeah, we did real time together.

01:03:40Marc:Have you ever done that show?

01:03:42Guest:No.

01:03:45Okay.

01:03:45Marc:I don't need to do the Hollywood thing.

01:03:48Guest:I mean, it's nice if you're interested in HBO, but I... I like to reach people who aren't paying 15 bucks a month to watch one show.

01:04:02Marc:You like to reach them one at a time.

01:04:05Guest:We have different constituencies.

01:04:07Marc:I definitely know that.

01:04:09Guest:I ran into Christopher Freeland at MSNBC.

01:04:12Marc:Oh, yeah?

01:04:13Guest:She was appalled by your whole Michelle Bachmann thing.

01:04:17Guest:I defended you.

01:04:18Guest:Really?

01:04:19Guest:Yeah.

01:04:19Marc:What did she say?

01:04:20Guest:She was appalled.

01:04:21Marc:She literally said, do you know Marc Maron?

01:04:23Marc:I'm appalled.

01:04:25Marc:No.

01:04:26Marc:No.

01:04:26Guest:How did that come up, Sam?

01:04:28Guest:No.

01:04:28Guest:The way that came up was, I know Marc Maron.

01:04:31Guest:Were you appalled?

01:04:33Guest:That's what...

01:04:37Guest:I said, I saw you on real time.

01:04:39Guest:I worked with Maren.

01:04:40Guest:I've known Maren for 20 years.

01:04:42Guest:I'm going to see him tonight.

01:04:43Guest:Were you appalled?

01:04:45Guest:Because I'll tell him.

01:04:48Marc:And she said, you can tell him.

01:04:49Marc:She said, yes, yeah.

01:04:50Marc:I was.

01:04:51Guest:I thought it was rude, and I thought it was a little bit misogynist.

01:04:54Guest:I said, yeah.

01:04:56Marc:Since when is it misogynist to say you want to hate fuck Michelle Bachman?

01:05:01Marc:I mean, I just don't understand this generalizing.

01:05:04Marc:And I didn't even say hate fuck.

01:05:05Marc:I said angrily fuck Michelle Bachman.

01:05:08Marc:Look, a grudge fuck... Who are you talking to?

01:05:10Marc:Listen to me.

01:05:11Marc:How are you talking to me?

01:05:13Marc:All right.

01:05:13Marc:A grudge fuck, a hate fuck, and an anger fuck are all consensual acts of love on the spectrum of love.

01:05:20Marc:You didn't say it about Marcus Bachman.

01:05:22Marc:Fuck that guy.

01:05:23Marc:Why do I owe respect to those... They're politicians.

01:05:26Marc:They're congresspeople.

01:05:27Marc:They're like used car salesmen, and she's a cunt.

01:05:29Marc:I'm not going to fucking do that.

01:05:30Guest:All right.

01:05:31Marc:And that's not misogynist.

01:05:35Marc:I'm not saying all women are cunts.

01:05:36Marc:I'm saying that she's a cunt.

01:05:38Marc:No, no, no.

01:05:39Marc:And I don't say that about most women.

01:05:40Marc:It's rare that I pull that word out.

01:05:42Guest:You didn't say it about my mom.

01:05:44Marc:No, I would never say that about your mother.

01:05:46Marc:And I appreciate that.

01:05:46Guest:I had a great time with your mother.

01:05:52Guest:That would have been pretty funny, though.

01:05:53Guest:I was like, yeah, you open for my... Oh, that cunt?

01:05:56Guest:And I was like, yeah, her!

01:05:58Marc:Exactly.

01:05:59Marc:I'm trying to make that word more acceptable, but I don't think that... Look, I understand that... What are you looking at?

01:06:06Marc:I wrote Sam Seder, political update, what's going to happen, where are we at, what happened to you?

01:06:11Guest:That's great.

01:06:13Marc:That's great.

01:06:14Guest:You did a lot of prep.

01:06:15Guest:That's great.

01:06:17Guest:That's great.

01:06:18Guest:You want to get to the last one?

01:06:19Guest:No, I know.

01:06:19Guest:A lot of people are curious as to why I'm not getting the garage treatment.

01:06:23Guest:That's okay.

01:06:24Marc:You live in fucking New York.

01:06:25Marc:You want to come to the garage?

01:06:27Guest:Yes, I'll actually be out there next week.

01:06:32Guest:You know where I learned this technique?

01:06:35Guest:When I watch Mark on Real Time.

01:06:38Guest:Hey, Bill, you've never been on my show.

01:06:40Guest:Oh, fuck, I'm in front of hundreds of thousands of people.

01:06:43Guest:Okay, I'll do it.

01:06:43Marc:Yeah, that's how it works.

01:06:45Marc:Conan came to my garage.

01:06:46Guest:Yeah, I'll be there next week.

01:06:48Marc:You'll be there next week?

01:06:48Guest:I'll be there next week.

01:06:49Marc:In L.A.?

01:06:50Marc:Yeah.

01:06:50Marc:I'm out.

01:06:51Marc:All right, let's do it.

01:06:53Marc:No, I mean, I'm not going to be home.

01:06:54Marc:When are you going to be there?

01:06:54Guest:Give me the keys.

01:06:56All right.

01:06:56Marc:You just want to use my equipment?

01:06:57Guest:I got to do my show.

01:06:59Guest:I got to do my show.

01:07:00Guest:I could use a studio.

01:07:03Guest:It's the least you could do.

01:07:04Guest:The least.

01:07:05Marc:Where are we going to go?

01:07:06Marc:You could do.

01:07:06Marc:If we sat for an hour, what the fuck would happen?

01:07:09Marc:I've sat with you for half my life, it felt like.

01:07:12Marc:It felt like half my life, Sam.

01:07:13Guest:It felt like three quarters to me.

01:07:15Guest:Do you know what an hour with you is like?

01:07:17Guest:Yeah.

01:07:18Guest:How does it feel for you?

01:07:19Guest:It's like half as bad as being in a room with you for an hour.

01:07:24Guest:It's about half, I'd say.

01:07:26Guest:I literally, last weekend, no, last Monday, I did a Radigan show with Governor Pataki.

01:07:34Guest:Yeah.

01:07:35Guest:And I got up into his face a little bit.

01:07:37Marc:Did you call him a cunt?

01:07:38Guest:No, I didn't call him a cunt.

01:07:40Guest:After the show, I swear to God, it's true.

01:07:42Guest:After the show,

01:07:44Guest:We've done taping.

01:07:45Guest:He looks across and he goes, do you believe everything you say?

01:07:50Guest:And I say, yeah, I do.

01:07:51Guest:And he goes, that's funny because you don't look that stupid.

01:07:54Guest:Oh my God.

01:07:57Guest:And you know this is true.

01:07:58Guest:Yeah.

01:07:59Guest:I immediately broke out and probably the biggest smile I've had.

01:08:04Guest:In literally months, maybe years.

01:08:06Guest:And it took me about five minutes later until I was like, that's just like my fucking Marin.

01:08:12Guest:It really had the same feel.

01:08:14Guest:It was fun to do that, to get under somebody's skin.

01:08:17Guest:That's what I miss.

01:08:18Marc:Oh, but how did you respond to him?

01:08:20Marc:You just took that?

01:08:21Guest:Yeah, I said, I'm glad that I just reduced the former governor of New York.

01:08:26Guest:To calling you stupid.

01:08:27Guest:Off air.

01:08:28Marc:Off air.

01:08:28Guest:Yeah.

01:08:29Guest:Fuck you, douche.

01:08:30Guest:Yeah.

01:08:30Guest:That's right.

01:08:32Guest:That's what I tweeted, anyway.

01:08:34Marc:So you didn't say anything in response.

01:08:37Marc:I think I said thank you.

01:08:39Marc:Right.

01:08:39Guest:Honestly, because it was wonderful.

01:08:41Marc:Here's what's amazing about you.

01:08:42Marc:Fuck him.

01:08:42Marc:You left feeling victorious somehow.

01:08:46Guest:I did.

01:08:47Guest:Absolutely.

01:08:47Guest:Are you fucking kidding?

01:08:48Guest:Yeah.

01:08:49Guest:Of course.

01:08:49Guest:Who was part of that victory parade?

01:08:50Guest:Fuck that douchebag.

01:08:51Guest:Seriously.

01:08:52Guest:I know.

01:08:53Guest:The motherfucker spent the commercial breaks talking about his farm.

01:08:57Marc:Yeah.

01:08:58Guest:I was bailing hay this weekend.

01:09:00Guest:Don't you grow blueberries?

01:09:01Guest:I grow blueberries, but he's talking about bailing hay.

01:09:04Guest:Where's your farm?

01:09:05Guest:On a lake.

01:09:06Guest:I got a farm on a lake.

01:09:08Guest:And then his pivot to, if we cut Medicare, it's no big deal.

01:09:13Yeah.

01:09:13Guest:was so grotesque that it was fun for me to get under her skin.

01:09:19Marc:You should start tweeting it.

01:09:20Marc:Maybe you and the four people that tweet with you.

01:09:24Guest:Because the last time I did the show was probably almost a year ago now.

01:09:28Guest:It's not a big deal.

01:09:29Guest:No, you did a live one.

01:09:30Guest:Yeah, October.

01:09:32Guest:Right.

01:09:35Guest:And at that time, you were still in your I resent everybody phase.

01:09:39Guest:That's the part that I miss.

01:09:41Guest:Yeah.

01:09:41Guest:The part where, like, you know, now you have some success.

01:09:45Guest:Right.

01:09:46Guest:And you don't feel like you need to sort of, like, backhandedly sort of insult your guests when they come up.

01:09:52Marc:Yeah.

01:09:53Guest:Like, hey, you do a lot of stuff, but nobody knows you.

01:09:55Guest:Yeah.

01:10:00Guest:I love you.

01:10:01Guest:I just don't know how you make a living.

01:10:02Guest:That type of thing.

01:10:05Guest:And I notice in this show you don't do that anymore.

01:10:07Guest:And it just occurs to me like, you know, there's a half-life for everything.

01:10:10Guest:That's all I'm saying.

01:10:14Marc:Yeah.

01:10:16Marc:You hit yours like two years ago.

01:10:17Guest:What was it?

01:10:20Marc:I felt your half-life hit like midway through Break Room Live.

01:10:22Marc:You could do better than that.

01:10:24Marc:What do you mean I'm trying to be diplomatic?

01:10:25Marc:You could do better than that.

01:10:26Marc:Come on.

01:10:26Marc:I'm trying to be diplomatic.

01:10:28Marc:Now it's getting uncomfortable.

01:10:29Marc:No.

01:10:31Marc:As soon as I get real, it gets uncomfortable.

01:10:33Marc:Why can't we just say how much we love each other?

01:10:36Marc:So how's Myla?

01:10:37Guest:Fuck you.

01:10:40Guest:You don't give a shit.

01:10:42Guest:Come on.

01:10:43Guest:Seriously.

01:10:44Guest:How's Myla?

01:10:45Guest:That's my daughter.

01:10:47Guest:She's a fucking wreck.

01:10:48Guest:What are you talking about?

01:10:50Guest:She's six years old and she's having trouble dealing with it.

01:10:53Guest:That's all.

01:10:56Guest:And she doesn't know half of the shitstorm that is coming down for her.

01:11:00Guest:I don't even talk politics with her and she can't deal with it.

01:11:04Marc:If she made it six years with you, she's very clear on the shitstorm that's going to continue.

01:11:08Guest:So it was about, what was it, about almost 20 years ago at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge.

01:11:14Guest:I was doing an open mic.

01:11:16Guest:A bunch of my friends were there.

01:11:17Guest:You were up.

01:11:19Guest:I enjoyed your work at that time.

01:11:21Guest:And we're in Harvard Square.

01:11:26Guest:And you had left with, I think, your first wife at the time.

01:11:31Guest:Not your first wife yet.

01:11:32Marc:I'm not even going to tell the worst of the stories.

01:11:35Marc:Okay, go ahead.

01:11:36Guest:We'll save that for our hour-long special.

01:11:39Guest:And Marin is about 50 yards ahead of me, walking with Kim, and I'm with a couple of my friends.

01:11:47Guest:And I go, oh, that's that guy, Marc Marin.

01:11:48Guest:He was up before.

01:11:50Guest:I appreciate his work now.

01:11:51Guest:I don't know about in 20 years.

01:11:53LAUGHTER

01:11:53Guest:I'm paraphrasing.

01:11:56Guest:And you literally, your ears are so attuned.

01:11:59Guest:You turn around and you're like, what?

01:12:01Guest:You want to take a picture?

01:12:04Guest:You remember that?

01:12:05Guest:What, you got a problem with me?

01:12:06Marc:Sam Seder, ladies and gentlemen.

01:12:09Marc:Wonderful.

01:12:11Marc:I gotta bring Amy out.

01:12:12Marc:You can stay here.

01:12:12Marc:Just move down.

01:12:14Marc:Just move down.

01:12:16Marc:What?

01:12:17Guest:That was like watching a stage reading of the Sunshine Boys.

01:12:21Marc:I would love to do the Sunshine Boys with you, Sam.

01:12:24Marc:I would do that in a second.

01:12:25Marc:I'd go see that.

01:12:26Marc:I would do that in a second.

01:12:27Guest:I have agents who are calling your people right now.

01:12:31Marc:Enter!

01:12:33Marc:Yeah, eat one of those.

01:12:34Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the wonderful Amy Sedaris to the stage.

01:12:38Marc:Thank you.

01:12:52Guest:We have like 10 minutes.

01:12:54Guest:What time is it?

01:12:55Guest:True and false.

01:12:56Guest:True and false.

01:12:57Guest:Let's go.

01:12:58Marc:Okay.

01:12:59Guest:I got someone coming to my apartment at 9.30.

01:13:01Marc:Are you serious?

01:13:01Guest:Yeah.

01:13:02Marc:You'll be there by 9.30?

01:13:03Guest:Let's go.

01:13:04Marc:Okay.

01:13:04Guest:So, I haven't seen you in how long?

01:13:06Guest:Probably 15 years.

01:13:07Guest:I don't need to turn my back to all you guys.

01:13:08Guest:You got it.

01:13:09Guest:Was it 15?

01:13:10Guest:Yeah.

01:13:10Guest:And now you live in Los Angeles?

01:13:11Guest:I do live in Los Angeles.

01:13:12Guest:And what brought you to Los Angeles?

01:13:13Marc:That garage shop?

01:13:14Marc:Well, I had a job.

01:13:15Marc:What job?

01:13:16Marc:I had a TV deal, and I went out there with my ex-wife, and it didn't end well.

01:13:20Guest:Ex-wife.

01:13:20Guest:Yes.

01:13:21Guest:That's what I heard.

01:13:21Guest:First of all, you had a TV project, but it didn't happen?

01:13:24Guest:Didn't go anywhere.

01:13:25Marc:That's right.

01:13:26Guest:Why?

01:13:26Guest:Is that your fault, or just didn't work out?

01:13:28Marc:Who knows what happens with those?

01:13:29Marc:Am I right?

01:13:31Guest:Well, did you really not?

01:13:32Guest:Is it his fault?

01:13:34Guest:Okay.

01:13:34Guest:Why didn't it happen?

01:13:35Guest:Seriously.

01:13:35Guest:I mean, do you mind telling me?

01:13:36Marc:It's just they didn't make it because the executors wanted me to add a child that wasn't in the original script, and I added one, and it was stupid.

01:13:42Guest:Oh, God.

01:13:43Guest:Yeah, it was like that.

01:13:44Guest:So it was a network-type show?

01:13:45Marc:Sure, it was a network, NBC.

01:13:46Guest:Oh, so someone talked you into doing a network show, and you fell for it, and you believed them, and you thought you'd still be able to have all this control, and they gave you more money?

01:13:53Guest:Yeah.

01:13:54Guest:I see.

01:13:55Yeah.

01:13:55Guest:bath salts and you didn't want the kid so you said no to the kid i want to abort the child so then they said well forget you who do you think you are that's right and then okay yeah and then they changed leadership at the network and that always what network was it it was uh nbc and then um and then and so you just decide to stay in los angeles

01:14:17Marc:Yeah, I did because I bought a house there and I thought my future looked great.

01:14:20Guest:Oh, my God.

01:14:20Guest:You spent all your money and you bought a house?

01:14:22Guest:Yeah.

01:14:22Guest:And then you got a divorce?

01:14:24Marc:I lost all my money but kept the house.

01:14:25Guest:It was a miracle.

01:14:27Guest:Damn.

01:14:27Guest:Well, okay.

01:14:28Guest:It's a success story.

01:14:29Guest:Yeah.

01:14:30Guest:And look, here you are now at the bell house.

01:14:36Fantastic.

01:14:36Guest:Fantastic.

01:14:38Guest:All right.

01:14:39Guest:And were you very, you were really depressed after your breakup and everything?

01:14:43Guest:Yes, for a few years.

01:14:43Guest:Did you go to therapy and all that kind of stuff?

01:14:45Marc:I did a little of that, yeah.

01:14:46Guest:And then you dated and people wanted to talk about your ex-wife.

01:14:48Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:50Marc:And I sexually acted out a lot too, but I think I'm good now.

01:14:53Guest:Oh, okay.

01:14:53Marc:Yeah.

01:14:54Marc:How about you?

01:14:55Guest:I didn't move to Los Angeles and I don't have any kids and I'm not seeing anybody and what else that's about it I go to people's houses and train them about rabbit care and I'm spending this summer reading thrillers and romance novels the last romance novel book I read was about a 7 year old and a 56 year old man it's a good book though called Tiger Tiger it's about pedophilia but it's a really good book but it

01:15:25Guest:but it's my romance book for the summer she's seven he's 56 this should be on at 5 30 on saturday that was the show i pitched but you didn't want the kids yeah it's terrible but i highly recommend it what's the fascination with rabbits have you discussed this at depth i mean i heard about the rabbits i mean you have a lot of rabbits i like going into other people's homes that's what it's about it is i went to this one lady's house she lived on 147th street

01:15:52Guest:and she had blood and feces on her bathroom wall.

01:15:58Guest:No shower curtain, and in the shower was something like a chair.

01:16:03Guest:She was crazy, but I was obsessed with her.

01:16:05Guest:Obsessed with her.

01:16:08Guest:So if I can get into homes like that, I mean, what's better?

01:16:12Marc:Are you still in touch with her?

01:16:13Guest:No, no, no, not at all.

01:16:15Marc:Did you go there once and like, oh, fuck.

01:16:17Guest:One time visit and the rabbit ended up dying.

01:16:19Guest:I mean, it wasn't murdered, it died.

01:16:21Marc:It was probably, you know, just depressed.

01:16:23Marc:It sounds like a horrible environment for any living thing.

01:16:26Guest:You're shaking your leg.

01:16:27Guest:Are you nervous?

01:16:28Guest:Yeah.

01:16:29Guest:All right.

01:16:32Guest:Yeah.

01:16:33Guest:No, but I remember you, when we were working on X57...

01:16:36Marc:I used to host short attention span theater, and I had the office next to you.

01:16:40Guest:Yes, yes, and you would come in and play guitar sometimes with Tinello.

01:16:43Marc:Yeah, with Paul Tinello.

01:16:44Guest:And your hair was longer, and you were a little heavier.

01:16:48Guest:No, not fat.

01:16:49Guest:You looked so thin to me.

01:16:51Guest:You were like, had a nice weight to you.

01:16:53Guest:Full face.

01:16:54Marc:Yeah, full face, girth, a lot of youth.

01:16:56Marc:And that was, Colbert was with you.

01:16:59Guest:And Mitch and Joey Lennon.

01:17:00Guest:Mitch Rouse and Joey Lennon.

01:17:01Marc:And that was a big time.

01:17:02Marc:That was an exciting time.

01:17:03Guest:Yeah, it was.

01:17:04Guest:We didn't know what we were doing, so it's always fun not to know what you're doing.

01:17:07Marc:Yeah.

01:17:08Marc:Officer.

01:17:08Guest:Officer.

01:17:10Guest:I was like, awful.

01:17:15Guest:Really?

01:17:16Marc:But you, like, I always wonder, because you're so funny and so charming, and like, what do you, like, I only see you occasionally.

01:17:24Marc:How come I don't see you all the time?

01:17:25Guest:Because I'm a shut-in.

01:17:28Guest:Except when I get a case, a rabbit case, that I'm out of there.

01:17:32Guest:I don't know.

01:17:33Guest:I'm pretty lucky.

01:17:34Guest:I do whatever I want to do.

01:17:36Guest:I think that bothers a lot of people.

01:17:38Guest:You know what I mean?

01:17:39Guest:You do whatever you want to do, don't you?

01:17:41Guest:I'm like, yeah, who doesn't?

01:17:42Guest:Who the fuck are you to have freedom?

01:17:45Guest:Yeah, so right now I'm just reading a lot.

01:17:47Guest:And I'm trying to do a show.

01:17:49Guest:It's like I want to do a show based on my two books, like a hospitality book.

01:17:52Guest:Oh, good.

01:17:52Guest:I've been wanting to do that since I was five.

01:17:54Marc:Like a TV show?

01:17:55Guest:Yeah, like a little homemaking show, my style.

01:17:58Guest:Yeah.

01:17:58Guest:You know.

01:17:58Marc:Have you thought of names or titles or segments?

01:18:01Guest:I like the back burner.

01:18:03Marc:Yeah.

01:18:04Guest:But then that seems like it would just be cooking.

01:18:06Guest:But I did want a kid.

01:18:07Guest:I wanted a retarded child and a deaf husband and then hilarity ensues.

01:18:11Guest:But nobody's going to let you do that.

01:18:15Marc:Maybe if you called a developmentally disabled child, they'd do it.

01:18:18Guest:Maybe.

01:18:18Guest:Yeah.

01:18:19Guest:And then, what, a disabled child, but I can't have a deaf husband?

01:18:22Guest:No, deaf husband's fine.

01:18:23Guest:And a monkey.

01:18:23Marc:And a monkey, yeah.

01:18:25Guest:I mean, everything could go around.

01:18:27Guest:The phone, each episode could open the phone ringing off the hook, and what's gonna, who, who's gonna answer that phone?

01:18:32Guest:I'm pulling into the driveway.

01:18:35Guest:Oh, that would be so much fun.

01:18:38Guest:A dream.

01:18:39Guest:I would, I would watch the shit out of that show.

01:18:43Guest:Monkey business.

01:18:44Guest:Monkey business.

01:18:47Marc:What's your favorite thing to cook?

01:18:49Guest:Oh.

01:18:49Marc:Nice.

01:18:49Guest:Wow.

01:18:50Guest:Wow.

01:18:51Guest:Because I cook some things.

01:18:52Guest:You do?

01:18:52Guest:What do you like to cook?

01:18:53Marc:Shellfish?

01:18:54Marc:No shellfish.

01:18:55Marc:It's not a religious thing.

01:18:57Marc:Okay.

01:18:58Marc:Like right now, I do a lot of turkey burgers, and I'm not proud of that.

01:19:01Guest:Turkey burgers.

01:19:02Marc:I like to sometimes fish.

01:19:04Marc:I'll cook steak occasionally.

01:19:05Marc:Nothing too fancy.

01:19:06Marc:Do you make sausage?

01:19:07Guest:Okay, I have a question.

01:19:07Guest:Yes.

01:19:08Guest:You just said you make fish, and I asked you about shellfish, right?

01:19:11Guest:Because someone asked me, they asked me if I eat fish, and I said, yeah.

01:19:14Guest:And then when I got there, they were making lobster, and I said, oh, I'm allergic to lobster.

01:19:17Guest:And then they got mad at me because I should have told them ahead of time.

01:19:20Guest:And I'm like, but you didn't ask me about lobster.

01:19:21Guest:You asked me about fish.

01:19:23Marc:Yeah.

01:19:23Marc:And are you allergic to lobster?

01:19:25Guest:I'm allergic to lobster.

01:19:26Marc:And shrimp?

01:19:27Guest:Thwimp.

01:19:28Guest:No, I just can't play with the tails, touch the tail.

01:19:32Guest:I can't peel it.

01:19:33Guest:I know that sounds like I'm being lazy, but I can't peel it.

01:19:36Marc:Is that the same with lobster?

01:19:37Marc:It's a peel problem?

01:19:38Guest:It's not an allergy?

01:19:39Guest:It's like a shell.

01:19:39Marc:So it's a thing with your hands.

01:19:42Guest:It's a thing with the shell.

01:19:43Marc:Okay.

01:19:43Guest:Yeah.

01:19:44Marc:So you're uncomfortable with shells.

01:19:46Marc:You're not allergic to fish.

01:19:46Guest:Yeah, I'm allergic to the shell of a lobster shell, a crab shell, and a thwimp shell.

01:19:52Marc:But are you really allergic or you just don't like it?

01:19:53Guest:Yeah, I blow up.

01:19:54Guest:It's hilarious.

01:19:54Guest:What happens is it's really funny.

01:19:57Guest:If you guys have allergies, you know, your face gets really big.

01:20:01Guest:And then if you put baby powder on top of that, it's the fucking funniest thing you'll ever see in your life.

01:20:07Guest:In your life.

01:20:08Guest:It is the ugliest.

01:20:10Guest:It's fantastic.

01:20:12Guest:You'll see it on Monkey Business.

01:20:18Guest:This week.

01:20:19Guest:We'll see.

01:20:21Marc:What is your favorite thing to cook?

01:20:22Guest:Oh, I like making spanakopita, that Greek fish with the phyllo.

01:20:26Guest:I make that a lot.

01:20:27Guest:I love roasting a chicken, especially in this weather.

01:20:29Guest:I know, it's 400.

01:20:30Guest:I got my oven on 450, cooking a chicken in a clay pot.

01:20:36Guest:But, you know, I cook for myself every night.

01:20:38Marc:You do?

01:20:39Marc:Do you usually eat alone?

01:20:41Guest:Yes, usually.

01:20:42Marc:Yeah.

01:20:43Guest:Yeah, you too.

01:20:45Marc:Well, I do sometimes, not as much lately, but it's weird because I don't know how to shop.

01:20:48Marc:Do you have a problem with food going bad?

01:20:50Guest:No, I shop every day.

01:20:51Guest:I go to the grocery store every single day.

01:20:52Marc:Oh, okay.

01:20:54Marc:Because I like going to grocery stores and I like to go to many.

01:20:57Marc:Do you have certain places?

01:20:58Guest:Matchmaker, matchmaker.

01:21:02Guest:Me too, really?

01:21:04Guest:Yeah, me too.

01:21:05Guest:When you say fish, what do you mean by fish?

01:21:07Guest:Lobster, oh, okay.

01:21:10Guest:We're in love.

01:21:12Guest:We're in love.

01:21:15Guest:15 years.

01:21:16Marc:Oh, it had to happen.

01:21:18Marc:My girlfriend's going, oh, fuck.

01:21:20Guest:Oh, so you have a girlfriend.

01:21:21Guest:Oh, that's good.

01:21:23Guest:Yeah.

01:21:23Guest:You're dating and everything.

01:21:24Marc:Yeah.

01:21:24Marc:Do you date?

01:21:25Guest:I don't date.

01:21:26Guest:At all?

01:21:26Guest:I haven't had a boyfriend in eight years.

01:21:28Marc:Is it better?

01:21:29Guest:I don't I did better I mean I don't know I'm just I don't think about it I mean I'm pretty happy yeah I don't have any complaints I don't have a glass well David my brother bought me a glass vibrator as a joke I've never gotten into that kind of stuff yeah but it's made out of like milk glass and I put a live bumblebee in it

01:21:48Guest:Just for a joke.

01:21:50Guest:So if you take the cork off of it, it's got milkmaids on the side of it.

01:21:54Guest:But if you take the cork out of the dildo, there's dead bees in there.

01:22:03Guest:It's a long story.

01:22:04Guest:We really don't have the time for it.

01:22:09Guest:But I never used it.

01:22:10Guest:That's where the saying, did you kill the bee?

01:22:14Guest:Kill the bee.

01:22:16Guest:How do you masturbate with a, it's like you're nostalgically masturbating.

01:22:19Guest:Remember when there was a milkman and he would deliver things to you?

01:22:22Guest:It's like a steampunk dildo.

01:22:24Guest:Oh, right.

01:22:25Guest:They jumped all over that.

01:22:27Guest:Yeah.

01:22:27Guest:Like cranks and cogs and you wear a derby hat while you use it.

01:22:30Marc:Yeah.

01:22:31Marc:How's the rooster?

01:22:32Guest:My little brother, the rooster, he's doing good.

01:22:34Guest:I just talked to him yesterday.

01:22:35Guest:I talk to him every day, as a matter of fact.

01:22:38Guest:God damn.

01:22:38Guest:Yeah, he's doing good.

01:22:40Guest:I talk to him every day.

01:22:42Guest:Just because you want to hear him talk?

01:22:44Guest:He calls every day.

01:22:45Guest:Yeah?

01:22:45Guest:And I listen.

01:22:47Guest:I listen, and sometimes I write things down that he says.

01:22:51Guest:You know, he's really funny.

01:22:52Guest:What's the most recent crisis?

01:22:54Guest:Oh, his van broke down.

01:22:56Guest:But, I mean, you know, at the beach.

01:23:00Guest:But sometimes he plays me messages.

01:23:01Guest:He has a hardwood floor business, so he'll save some of the messages, and they're really great because they're all southern accents, which I just can't get enough of.

01:23:08Guest:But, you know, so I'm lucky to hear those.

01:23:12Right.

01:23:12Marc:Okay, so aside from the possible afternoon show with the monkey and the retarded kid.

01:23:18Guest:It's just a dream.

01:23:19Guest:Yeah, sure.

01:23:20Marc:But I see it as probably a morning show type of thing, right?

01:23:22Guest:Early morning live.

01:23:24Marc:Right.

01:23:24Guest:Sure.

01:23:25Guest:Right.

01:23:27Guest:Turn it up!

01:23:29Guest:Turn it up!

01:23:33Guest:That's never... I pitched Night Mother once as a TV show where each week the girl's trying to kill herself.

01:23:39Yeah.

01:23:39Guest:Which I think is a fantastic idea.

01:23:42Guest:I think it could be anti-suicide for a young girl.

01:23:46Guest:I just think that's perfect.

01:23:48Guest:I pitched that a long, long time ago.

01:23:50Marc:Do you watch any TV compulsively?

01:23:53Guest:I liked Friday Night Lights a lot.

01:23:55Marc:Yeah.

01:23:57Guest:Yeah, I like that show.

01:23:58Marc:That was the hometown football show thing?

01:24:00Guest:Yeah, that was good.

01:24:00Guest:But the writing was really good, and I thought, you know, I thought it was an excellent show.

01:24:04Marc:It made me transcend my contempt of jocks.

01:24:06Guest:No, just a little bit of football.

01:24:09Guest:You know, just a little bit.

01:24:10Guest:And then you had 25-year-olds playing 16-year-olds.

01:24:12Guest:It was good.

01:24:13Marc:Yeah.

01:24:13Guest:A perfect relationship between the mother and the coach.

01:24:16Guest:You know, it was really healthy.

01:24:17Marc:Yeah.

01:24:18Guest:I don't know.

01:24:18Guest:I really liked it.

01:24:19Guest:Great accents.

01:24:20Marc:Yeah.

01:24:20Marc:Do you watch any of the more exploitive reality type of shows at all?

01:24:25Guest:I liked heavy.

01:24:26Guest:I like watching fat people do things.

01:24:29Guest:No, I mean, I love to be around fat people because they're always hidden or no one, you know, but you never get to see them in movies fall down or anything.

01:24:38Guest:And so when they get up and they just have to do something simple and they're exhausted, I'm like, yeah, man, I totally get that.

01:24:45Guest:I love that show.

01:24:47Guest:And then they've got these people working out around them, a lot of energy, and they're like, God, that would just drive me crazy.

01:24:54Guest:Drive me crazy.

01:24:55Guest:But I try not to get sucked into that kind of thing.

01:24:58Guest:It would just drive you crazy.

01:25:00Guest:The A&E, whatever you were talking about earlier.

01:25:03Guest:The intervention I got into, but it just made me want to do those things.

01:25:09Guest:Maybe want that.

01:25:10Guest:Or is he seen anybody?

01:25:11Guest:Yeah.

01:25:14Guest:He's good.

01:25:15Guest:He looks good.

01:25:16Marc:Are you going to, is there, like, what's the next big thing?

01:25:20Guest:Well, maybe this hospitality show.

01:25:22Guest:It's not the monkey deaf person retarded show.

01:25:25Guest:But a real hospitality show, yes.

01:25:26Guest:But, yeah, something like that.

01:25:27Guest:And then, you know, that'll allow me to do other things.

01:25:29Guest:You know, I always like to have a few little projects going.

01:25:33Guest:But this summer, really, I'm just relaxing and reading.

01:25:35Marc:Do you travel or no?

01:25:37Guest:I don't take vacations.

01:25:38Guest:No.

01:25:38Guest:But I travel.

01:25:39Guest:I went to North Carolina to see my family last week.

01:25:41Marc:Was it fun?

01:25:42Guest:It was hot.

01:25:43Marc:Yeah.

01:25:44Yeah.

01:25:44Guest:It was really hot.

01:25:46Guest:Your head gets sunburned, like a blood orange, tiny, yeah.

01:25:50Marc:Do you ever visit your other brother in France?

01:25:53Guest:David, I see him, yeah, in London.

01:25:54Guest:He's in London.

01:25:55Marc:Oh, he's in London in France?

01:25:57Marc:That's a great life, huh?

01:25:58Guest:Yeah, I think so.

01:25:59Guest:Yeah.

01:26:00Guest:You got a question?

01:26:02Guest:Wait, can I just ask you, who gave you those?

01:26:04Guest:Are those real or are they tainted?

01:26:05Marc:No, they're right there.

01:26:06Marc:You can have one.

01:26:06Marc:Those are cake pops.

01:26:08Marc:Cake pops?

01:26:09Guest:Yeah, they're actual... Oh, cake pops!

01:26:12Marc:Yeah!

01:26:14Cake pops!

01:26:14Guest:Cake pops.

01:26:18Guest:I want a cake pop.

01:26:22Guest:Oh, these are your notes?

01:26:24Marc:Yeah, I think we covered everything.

01:26:25Guest:Yeah, well, we didn't have but ten minutes.

01:26:27Guest:That's okay.

01:26:28Guest:Maybe I'll come to L.A.

01:26:29Guest:and sit in your garage sometime.

01:26:30Marc:You can sit...

01:26:32Guest:Sam and I will go.

01:26:33Marc:We'll do the show together.

01:26:35Guest:Yeah, yeah, Sam and I. We'll split a half hour.

01:26:37Marc:No, no.

01:26:39Marc:We'll split a half hour.

01:26:40Marc:I'm just being nice to you.

01:26:41Marc:You can come anytime you want.

01:26:44Marc:I'm just placating Sam, but you're more than welcome to come.

01:26:47Guest:Well, I will say on your podcast.

01:26:48Guest:I want to say that whoever records it, it is crystal clear.

01:26:53Guest:I feel like you are in the room with me.

01:26:55Guest:It just sounds fantastic.

01:26:57Marc:Well, thank you so much.

01:26:58Marc:I'm glad you listened to it.

01:26:59Marc:It's true.

01:27:01Marc:We had a nice 15-minute conversation, and now you're mad at me.

01:27:04Guest:I'm not mad at you.

01:27:05Guest:I'm never mad.

01:27:07Marc:You were a little angry when you got here because it was hard to get here, right?

01:27:10Guest:Well, I felt I was going to be late.

01:27:11Guest:I'm never late.

01:27:12Marc:You're an on-time person?

01:27:14Guest:I'm an on-time person.

01:27:15Guest:You're not?

01:27:15Marc:No, I am.

01:27:16Marc:I have no patience for not on time people.

01:27:18Guest:What zodiac sign are you?

01:27:19Marc:I'm Libra.

01:27:20Guest:Life's not fair.

01:27:23Guest:Life's not fair.

01:27:23Guest:Yes, you are a Libra.

01:27:25Guest:Yes, I am.

01:27:26Guest:And before we close, what are all you guys?

01:27:28Guest:What's your sign?

01:27:30Guest:I'm a Sagittarius.

01:27:31Guest:Oh, fire sign.

01:27:33Guest:Cancer.

01:27:34Guest:Cancer.

01:27:34Guest:Capricorn.

01:27:35Guest:Capricorn.

01:27:37Guest:I'm a Cancer also.

01:27:38Guest:Cancer, as you guys have birthdays.

01:27:42Marc:Okay.

01:27:43Marc:All right.

01:27:44Marc:Amy Sedaris, ladies and gentlemen.

01:27:45Thank you.

01:27:46Marc:That's our show.

01:27:47Marc:Amy Sedaris, Sam Seder.

01:27:51Marc:Julie Klausner, Mike Lawrence, Leo Allen.

01:27:55Marc:I love you all.

01:27:56Marc:Kick on the music.

01:27:57Marc:Let's end this thing properly.

01:28:03Marc:Thank you for coming to the Bell House for Live WTF.

01:28:06Marc:I appreciate all your love and support.

01:28:08Marc:I hope you had a good time.

01:28:12Marc:Good night.

01:28:22you