Episode 211 - Lisa Lampanelli
Guest:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck, buddies?
Marc:What the fuckaneers?
Marc:What the fuckanistas?
Marc:What the fucknicks?
Marc:What the fuckologians?
Marc:And what the fuckamolins?
Marc:How you like that?
Marc:Man, I'm mixing it up.
Marc:This is Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:This is fucking WTF.
Marc:So fuck you if you can't take it.
Marc:Sorry, got an edge on.
Marc:I'm not good at insult comedy.
Marc:Not good at it.
Marc:I got Lisa Lampanelli on the show today.
Marc:She is the queen of mean.
Marc:If you don't know her, she is the the new hot rotted postmodern version of the insult comic menacing, my friends menacing.
Marc:We will talk to her in a second.
Marc:I actually have a story about her.
Marc:But before I get to that, can I just tell you what I did when I got here's how much I want to avoid my life and my work.
Marc:I've got a book to finish.
Marc:I've got things to do.
Marc:I'm doing this.
Marc:I have to do this.
Marc:I enjoy doing this, but sometimes I'm scraping to figure out what the fuck to do.
Marc:So here's what I did when I got home after being very busy and having a lot of things to do.
Marc:Oh, look, hey, it's a Costco catalog.
Marc:I wonder if there's anything I need in there.
Marc:Oh, my, there is.
Marc:What am I going to do?
Marc:I'm going to cut some coupons out.
Marc:When did I become an old Jewish woman?
Marc:Could somebody please tell me when I became an old Jewish woman?
Marc:I'm sitting in my kitchen at my kitchen table if I had one.
Marc:Let's make it the dining room table because that's where it was.
Marc:I just picture someone cutting coupons at a kitchen table with a slightly confused and despairing look on their face, perhaps with curlers in or maybe some other perm type of thing going on on their head, perhaps smoking a cigarette in a house coat.
Marc:So I just captured myself in drag in 1962.
Marc:So that's who I was.
Marc:I was there cutting coupons out for vitamins.
Marc:Is that my future?
Marc:Or was I just doing that to avoid doing other things?
Marc:The amount of things that I can do to avoid other things is fascinating.
Marc:I fixed some fluorescent lighting in my laundry room.
Marc:My very small, sadly cracking addition that someone put on my house where that houses my washer and dryer has old style fluorescent lighting in it.
Marc:So I spent a few hours doing that, avoiding writing, avoiding me, avoiding eating.
Marc:So that's who I'm becoming.
Marc:Oh, this is something that I noticed.
Marc:That, you know, obviously denial is powerful, but some people think necessary and necessary survival tool because we can't walk around screaming in terror all the time.
Marc:But I was just I think I come upon something.
Marc:Perhaps a psychologist has written on it before.
Marc:Perhaps somebody of a loftier heading than I have on business cards that I don't own.
Marc:I don't have Mark Maron, Ph.D.,
Marc:I don't have Marc Maron DR. I don't have DR Marc Maron.
Marc:No PhD.
Marc:No DDS.
Marc:I'm not a dentist.
Marc:No CPA.
Marc:No nothing.
Marc:I got Marc Maron WTF.
Marc:I should make those business cards.
Marc:But as if it was actually a degree of some kind.
Marc:I have a degree in what the fuck.
Marc:But nonetheless, I'm on an airplane and I'm doing my work, tweeting a little bit, but also working, putting my book together.
Marc:And I realize, holy fuck, I'm on an airplane sitting next to a stranger and I am sitting still for a five hour chunk of time actually doing my work.
Marc:That means that...
Marc:I'm fighting the urge to talk to this person.
Marc:I'm maintaining personal boundaries because I don't want to talk to that person.
Marc:I'm in a tube made out of aluminum or some alloy flying hundreds of miles an hour through the air, which should be terrifying, but I put that on hold.
Marc:I'm not running around or distracting myself with other things.
Marc:I'm getting shit done and it seems like a fairly productive state.
Marc:And I realized that I had plain brain.
Marc:Plain brain enables you to have healthy personal boundaries, to mind your own fucking business, to sit still and focus for five hours, and to completely put aside the fact that you should be terrified for your life.
Marc:Plain brain.
Marc:I'm applying it to my life right now.
Marc:I'm also working out in my head and eating better in my head.
Marc:That hasn't made it into reality yet, but that's all going to happen.
Marc:So Lisa Lampanelli is here, and I'm excited about it because...
Marc:Look, I've talked about the Chevy Chase roast before.
Marc:It was one of the worst nights of my life, but it was the best night of hers and she fucking nailed it.
Marc:She killed it.
Marc:And I think it was a turning point of her career.
Marc:It's not easy to do insult comedy and think what you will of it or what you think of it or whether or not you think it's wrong or racist or inappropriate or just abusive.
Marc:It is a type of comedy that is...
Marc:its own form and she happens to be very good at it i remember walking into a lisa lampanelli show in vancouver canada and uh i didn't know what to expect i hadn't seen her in years i knew her when she was teaching stand-up comedy and she was just an angry person uh and i walk into this room and it's lisa in a huge dress and
Marc:You know, owning the stage, the place was packed and it was menacing.
Marc:There was an electricity of moral bankruptcy in the air.
Marc:Just the electricity of what the fuck is going on in here of this seems wrong.
Marc:But why is everyone having such a good time?
Marc:Why am I all jacked up?
Marc:She's a powerful performer.
Marc:And I was very impressed because I really had not experienced that type of energy in a live comedy situation since I used to see Kennison perform.
Marc:Look, the reason I can't be an insult comic is because I don't really insult people that well unless I feel like I'm backed into a corner or that they don't like me or that I need to make an impact, which is most of the time.
Marc:But when I have to stand up in front of people and construct...
Marc:Insults, I don't do it well.
Marc:There's a tone to roasting.
Marc:There's a tone to insult comedy that is not that easy to do.
Marc:Look, if I'm reacting to something, I can be insulting as fuck.
Marc:I can make girls cry.
Marc:I can hurt people's feelings.
Marc:I can be dismissive.
Marc:I'm not proud of any of that because it happens almost as a reaction.
Marc:It's almost involuntary.
Marc:It's a response to a threat that probably isn't there.
Marc:They can be funny, but they can be hurtful.
Marc:To ride the line with insult comedy and to not be hurtful is a skill that I don't quite have.
Marc:I mean, that was one thing that became very apparent at that Chevy Chase roast, is that if I'm not full of anger and focused on hurting somebody, I'm not good at insults.
Marc:And those can be funny, but they are painful.
Marc:It's a very delicate balance to do it right.
Marc:And I don't have that.
Marc:Lisa Lampanelli does.
Marc:So I'm thrilled to talk to her.
Marc:And why don't we do it?
Marc:Why don't we talk to the Queen of Mean?
Marc:Lisa Lampanelli.
Marc:I can't believe I'm going to be sitting here smoking cigars with Lisa Lampanelli.
Marc:I think that's the way to... It's the only way to do it.
Marc:Yeah, that's the way to do the interview.
Guest:Don't burn the mic.
Marc:You're going to have to replace the mics.
Ha, ha, ha.
Marc:Well, shit, I'm very happy that you were able to make it over.
Guest:Me too.
Marc:How crazy is that?
Marc:Well, the funny thing is that I get this a lot when I have comics.
Marc:I feel like I've known you for a long time.
Marc:I feel like you knew who I was, and there was a time in your life...
Marc:There was a time in your life where I used to look in your eyes and I thought there was so much rage in there that it frightened me.
Guest:But I'm like the nicest person in the world.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I'm such a baby.
Guest:I cry at everything.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But you can tell me you weren't angry then.
Marc:I mean, I remember when you were- Maybe I was because I was- You were teaching stand-up.
Guest:Well, because what happened was I didn't even come into New York City until I'd been doing comedy about almost 10 years already on the road, like headlining on the road.
Guest:So I kind of knew a little.
Guest:I was just doing it for extra income.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But it was like I felt like you were always unique and you were always fucking.
Marc:I always remembered the fact that I was like, I found you a little frightening and very honest and incredibly fucking raw that there was always a little bit.
Marc:There was something menacing.
Marc:Right.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:I have a little bit of pain, which is masked as anger, like all of us, I'm sure.
Guest:But you always intimidated the shit out of me.
Guest:Is that what it was?
Guest:Oh, here's the problem.
Guest:Here's my fucking problem with you.
Guest:This is Marc Maron.
Guest:It's fucking 11 o'clock.
Guest:It's stand-up New York.
Guest:You're probably at your eighth spot of the night.
Guest:I'm at my second or something.
Guest:I'm emceeing, and I go up to you to find out your intro, what I can say about you.
Guest:And you're so smart, and you're reading a smart book.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was never a fucking stupid book.
Guest:I always read stupid books, like girl novels, Chiclet.
Guest:But you'd be reading like Nietzsche or some shit.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:And I go, I can't even ask him what his intro is.
Guest:I'm just going to go up and say he reads smart books not to have to talk to anybody who comes in the comedy club.
Guest:Because it seemed like you never wanted to talk to anybody.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:I was so scared of you.
Guest:Totally intimidated by you.
Guest:My friend Kirsten Ames, who he was friends with, said, Mark's the greatest.
Guest:I will help him with his romance show.
Guest:I go, well, he seems like a fucking dick to me.
Guest:So I have no idea.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:And you like, isn't that scary?
Marc:Well, you may seem like a dick to me.
Guest:I know.
Marc:I mean, we just frightened each other.
Guest:The difference is I'm not.
Marc:Oh, there's the style.
Marc:No, I just got one.
Guest:What I like about you, Mark Maron, is you are very smart.
Guest:And I feel like I was always felt unworthy to talk to people like you, even though I'm smart on paper and I have good degrees from good colleges.
Guest:I always felt like these Mark Maron's and Louis C.K.
Guest:'s and them.
Guest:I'm just not in that league.
Marc:But you do have a degree, don't you?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:In what?
Guest:I am a journalism major at Syracuse University.
Guest:I went to Columbia for teaching.
Marc:That's a more practical degree than I am a fucking English major.
Guest:From where?
Marc:With a film criticism minor at Boston University.
Marc:You're talking Columbia and Harvard.
Guest:I know.
Guest:But you know what it was?
Guest:I was still intimidated by you guys.
Guest:You guys were so smart.
Marc:You did smart, witty comedy.
Marc:You didn't just call people cunts.
Marc:No, but you could kick all our asses.
Marc:And, you know, you were talking about real shit.
Marc:I mean, I think for the first 10 years of your career, you were talking about fucking black guys.
Guest:Well, no, that was probably the second 10 years.
Guest:And that's the thing.
Guest:I was talking to somebody on a different podcast and I said, am I always going to be the chick who fucked the black guys?
Guest:He goes, you're grandfathered into the black cock university.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And you're stuck.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:He goes, but you did invent that.
Guest:So that's something to be really proud of.
Marc:Well, I thought when you first did, it wasn't like a one person show.
Marc:And before you became more insult oriented, it really seemed that that was really what you talked about.
Guest:Well, it was fun because I had a black boyfriend for three years.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I figure we talk about our real life.
Guest:So I'm going to talk about the colored guy.
Guest:Why wouldn't I?
Guest:You know, and he was good enough that he let me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, he was very cool.
Guest:Like he'd come to the shows and be if there was no blacks, he'd sit in the front and pretend, which was really nice because sometimes we didn't let the black.
Marc:He was your shill.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:He was your cock and your shill.
Guest:It was funny at the Montreal Comedy Festival auditions.
Guest:He actually had to sit in the front and I go, listen, motherfucker, I pay the rent.
Guest:You get down front and you laugh like you're a black.
Guest:I said, make it happen, girl.
Guest:And now that I graduated to Whitey, I can't live it down.
Guest:I married a white guy.
Guest:It's still no good.
Guest:What am I going to do?
Marc:It's still no good.
Guest:Come on.
Marc:You love it.
Marc:I mean, was that really a thing for you, though?
Marc:You only dated black guys for a long time?
Mm-hmm.
Guest:Yeah, for like five years, I would say, because Daryl was, as I said, my black boyfriend for three years.
Guest:But I did find, and this is no joke, that these black guys back in those days, seven, eight years ago, loved a bigger bitch.
Guest:Like right now, they're with the skinny white ones.
Guest:So you're out?
Guest:I'm totally out.
Marc:The Lampanelli version is out?
Guest:Totally out.
Guest:I had to go back to Whitey.
Guest:So I did talk about that a lot in my act.
Guest:Why not?
Guest:And then because of the roasts were the problem, people would pick on that on the roast.
Guest:So now it's like, that's what they talk about.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Now my white husband's like, what the fuck?
Guest:When are they going to stop with that shit?
Guest:I'm going, you better be happy they're talking about that because they leave you alone.
Guest:So shut up about it.
Marc:Does he really get pissed off, though?
Guest:He gets a little annoyed.
Guest:I would, too, because I'm the type.
Guest:I write for Playboy.
Guest:I have a monthly column.
Guest:My last one was called Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Show Me Pictures of the Bitch, because I like to feel like I seen your dick fresh off the assembly line right out of the plastic.
Guest:I'm the first one.
Guest:It was all a bad dream before me, so he didn't like hearing about these blacks.
Marc:Sure.
Guest:Yeah, so I get it.
Guest:I understand it.
Marc:Yeah, I guess it could kind of bother a guy.
Marc:I don't know that anybody, or myself included, knows where you come from.
Marc:See, I always make these assumptions based on what I believe people to be.
Marc:I thought you came from a working-class Italian family where people were throwing shit at each other.
Guest:Well, that's true.
Guest:We weren't working-class.
Guest:We were probably lower-middle-class.
Guest:My father probably earned 50 grand in Sikorsky Aircraft.
Marc:Oh, in Sikorsky Aircraft?
Guest:Yeah, my mother was a...
Guest:First, she was a crossing guard with the police, like she'd cross the little kids.
Guest:Then she got promoted to type in the arrest records in her hometown, so she'd look up all the guys I was dating to make sure they didn't have a record, and they always did.
Guest:And she quit right before I started dating black guys, so that was bad timing on her part, if I may say.
Marc:Could he give you a real heads up?
Guest:Hell yeah.
Guest:So no, they were just working stiffs, but you know, they're pretty smart.
Marc:You got brothers and sisters?
Guest:Yeah, I got an older sister.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She has two kids.
Guest:She's a teacher.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My brother works for ESPN and he's got six kids.
Guest:Six kids?
Guest:All by choice.
Guest:really i know weird right now are they both uh you know angry and uh no no my sister my sister's always yelling i'm the quiet one i'm serious i always say i am the quiet one of my family i jimmy met my family and he's like you're demure oh my god my brother's like the coolest one he's just a chill he's a regular guy yeah yeah yeah and everybody gets along
Guest:Yeah, but my mom was the rageaholic growing up.
Guest:That was the whole problem.
Guest:That's how I got rageful.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And the eating and all this and that.
Marc:What do you mean?
Guest:Oh my God, you didn't know what you were going to get when you came home.
Guest:She'd either be screaming and yelling or cooking sauce and being happy.
Guest:Oh yeah?
Guest:So you didn't know what it was like living with an alcoholic.
Marc:So either you were eating or crying?
Guest:Same as my life now.
Guest:I have not changed that much.
Guest:I have not grown up.
Marc:But she wasn't an alcoholic?
Guest:Just rage, dude.
Guest:And eating.
Guest:We had the eating thing.
Marc:I have both of those things.
Guest:Eating and rage?
Guest:I have rage and rage.
Guest:It sucks.
Guest:But you know what?
Guest:I'm kind of a rager, too, because I was telling you before, I own this house on property at this canyon ranch, right?
Guest:And it's like this spiritual hell spot.
Marc:You're living it.
Guest:I'm fucking rich.
Guest:So now here's the deal.
Marc:Did you assume that was going to happen?
Guest:No, never.
Guest:Never.
Guest:I always said, if I earn $1,500 a week for the rest of my life as a comic, I'll just be happy to be doing comedy.
Guest:And then things blow up.
Guest:I like that.
Marc:I was there the night it happened.
Guest:But go ahead.
Guest:Which one?
Marc:Which one?
Marc:Listen to you.
Marc:Which time?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I'm curious what you're talking about.
Guest:So I have a house on this property.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, you spent a week there.
Guest:You're all chill.
Guest:You're all Buddhist.
Guest:You're all come out of the place.
Guest:Within 20 minutes yesterday, I'm screaming at a driver.
Guest:It's like it can't be helped.
Guest:I have rage because I'm not treated properly.
Guest:I want the respect of you helping with my bags, you 75-year-old cocksucker who shouldn't be driving this limo anymore.
Guest:So I go to rage really fast.
Marc:But you know that you're being wrong.
Guest:Absolutely horribly wrong.
Marc:I mean, I imagine you're a bit more of a diva than you used to be.
Guest:A little tiny bit.
Guest:Like, I like to be treated well, you know, because you're treated like a freaking jerk for all those years.
Guest:You know, how long did you struggle?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you go, I'm fine.
Marc:We're in my garage.
Guest:We're no air conditioning because we're smoking cigars.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:No, but I have a ranch.
Marc:I have a ranch in Montana.
Marc:You do?
Marc:No, what are you fucking kidding me?
Guest:I'm all impressed by money.
Marc:Sure, yeah, I got the ranch.
Guest:Well, you know, God brings you back down to earth, though.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:I'm thinking I have a really great apartment in the city.
Guest:I'm like, look at me.
Guest:I'm a big shot.
Guest:Do you know every fucking friend I've made since I've been in New York are all rich and have like four-story houses in the city?
Guest:So now I'm the lowlife.
Marc:yeah see god has a way of putting you back down and being well thank god for that you're humble with your two residences an apartment in new york and the house and canyon ranch listen this is what's real though yeah you sounded very humble in that limo in that limo that sounded like a humble experience but here was the problem with the limo too honestly shouldn't somebody help you with your bags no yeah i'm a woman i get oh god damn it you can really fall back on that one really not really
Guest:But you know what's weird then?
Guest:After I yelled at him, I go, uh-oh, he's going to Twitter that I'm a cunt, so I better do it first.
Guest:So I tweeted from the limo, hey, I just yelled at the limo driver for not helping with my bags.
Guest:What do you guys think?
Marc:Did you hashtag I'm a cunt?
Marc:Yes.
Guest:I just can't.
Guest:I got to rat myself out.
Guest:That's why my publicist, this bitch has got the easiest job on the planet because I rat myself out first.
Marc:But that driver doesn't even sound like he had Twitter.
Marc:You were just being paranoid.
Guest:He was 75 fucking years old.
Guest:Don't drive.
Guest:Don't drive no more if you can't carry my shit.
Marc:But do you find that rage in general?
Marc:Because I found that it destroyed my relationships.
Marc:It's destroyed businesses, you know, opportunities for me.
Marc:Because like what happens with me is if you're a rager, you really right after you're done, you feel better.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:But then the other thing sets in.
Marc:It's like, oh, time for apologies.
Marc:And sometimes they don't work.
Guest:It doesn't because I got banned from one theater.
Guest:Thank God it's not more than that.
Guest:I got banned from a theater because I didn't call somebody a cunt on staff.
Guest:I said to somebody, get rid of that cunt.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I realized if I had just pulled the guy into my dressing room and said, you're going to get rid of this cunt, it would have been better.
Guest:But no, the big anger has to come up and I got to yell about it.
Guest:It gets in the paper.
Guest:Now I'm banned.
Marc:But are you one of these people that shows up at gigs and everyone's sort of like on their best behavior because they're frightened?
Marc:No, no, because I'm so nice.
Guest:No, honestly, everybody who works for me goes, we always thought you'd be mean, but you're so nice.
Guest:Because I think an insult comic, you got to be nicer offstage.
Guest:It's just in you because Rickles is a sweetheart.
Marc:That's right.
Guest:But I think we still have those little underlying pockets of, I want you to die.
Marc:But he's probably a natural sweetheart.
Marc:I mean, you had to work for it, didn't you?
Guest:Well, I think you're born with the sweethearts.
Guest:But then you hide it with your anger.
Guest:You work on yourself a little bit.
Guest:And then maybe you get a little better.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, I like now people going, I like people being shocked I'm nice.
Guest:Like, it's better than saying, oh, you're nice on stage.
Guest:You're a real cunt in life.
Guest:It's better to flip it, I think.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Wouldn't it be great if you were like, you're a cunt on stage and you're a bigger cunt off stage?
Guest:I would love that.
Marc:Yeah, I don't think it could be a bigger one.
Guest:Yeah, I don't think that's possible.
Guest:I do have my limits, damn it.
Marc:So go ahead and light your cigar again.
Guest:I want to know about your one night that you think it all started to happen for me.
Marc:Well, look, I mean, I always had a lot of respect for you because I thought you were honest and you couldn't hide your feelings, and I decided that those feelings were primarily anger.
Guest:Yes, yes, thank you.
Marc:And I was on that Chevy Chase roast.
Guest:Mmm.
Marc:that's right it seemed to me that you know we all sat there wrestling with that bullshit and that guy was a pain in the ass it was one of the worst nights of my life but it you know somehow or another they made it look good on television they did but despite whatever they had to fix throughout the rest that whole night everybody tanked and then you came out there and just fucking killed and it was like it was it felt like the first time that the world had noticed you
Marc:It was.
Marc:And that like everything just fucking changed from that moment.
Marc:It was just like all the stars aligned and the hate just flowed.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:So perfectly funny.
Guest:In the right direction of an asshole who deserved it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Because remember how he sat there with the sunglasses and not even talking to us.
Guest:He was horrendous.
Guest:And by the way, did you know he said in Entertainment Weekly a few months later that was the worst night of his life because he realized he had no friends?
Guest:I mean, when you're Chevy Chase and you have you and me roasting you, you should be ashamed.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:No one wanted to come out and he was completely, he didn't play along at all.
Marc:And it was heartbreaking for me because I kind of liked the guy.
Marc:I'm not great at roasts.
Marc:I don't do well because in my experience, I can't insult somebody unless I feel truly defensive.
Marc:There's no real way for me to be like funny.
Marc:It's always going to cut too deep and I always get in trouble.
Marc:I don't have the right tone for it.
Guest:Gotcha.
Guest:See, my thing is I can't make fun of you unless I like you.
Guest:So I can't roast people I don't like.
Guest:Like, for instance, I used to be enemies with Sandra Bernhardt.
Guest:Now I'm friends with her, which is wild because it comes full circle.
Guest:I used to be enemies with her because she had, I think, said something on Stern that I didn't like or whatever.
Guest:When it came to making jokes about her on the Jerry Lewis roast at the Friars, I couldn't do it because I was like, I don't.
Marc:What did she say about you?
Guest:No, I think this is years ago.
Guest:It's all under the bridge.
Guest:Thank God we're friends.
Marc:I talked to her recently.
Marc:She seems to be a different person as well.
Marc:She doesn't seem to be as angry as she used to be.
Guest:No, it's like I think somebody had tried to trump up some trouble between me and her.
Guest:People do that all the fucking time, especially on Twitter.
Marc:They're like so-and-so saying shit, and they just want to see you spin off the handle.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:And they do the at mention to both people so you get mad at each other.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Twitter's the new heckling.
Guest:Yeah, I guess it's true.
Guest:And it's just horrifying.
Guest:I mean...
Marc:Do you get your feelings hurt?
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Dude, I fucking had such a hard time right after the Trump roast because we just did Trump about three, four months ago.
Guest:And I said this to Whitney Cummings.
Guest:However the audience sees you being treated.
Guest:they treat you that way so people will come up to whitney and say shitty things because we've had a roast about those things or somebody will come up hey you fat cunt or nigger love or whatever and you're just like oh my god that was the roast that set the tone for how i'm being treated for the rest of this year so i on twitter you get blasted with those jokes for like a month after the roast and it really hurts your feet oh my god it's horrible but
Marc:But as a woman, I mean, on some level, you're running with, I mean, you're more hardcore and more insulting and you have more of an edge than any guy I really know.
Marc:I mean, I don't know anybody that can pull off the type of racially charged insults or just insults about anybody that you do.
Marc:So I imagine that they just assume that you can take it and you can.
Guest:Want to know?
Guest:No.
Guest:And I'll tell you why.
Guest:I can take it in the roast because it's in the arena.
Guest:It's like the Christians with the lions.
Guest:You can take it.
Guest:But these people think they're funny and they're trying to play ball with you, these amateurs on the Twitter.
Guest:So my feeling is it's like I'm A-Rod.
Guest:And you're in the Bush leagues.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Don't fucking try to step up to the plate.
Guest:You don't wear the pinstripes.
Guest:Leave it to me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I get offended at that.
Guest:I don't mind a joke that's funny at my expense because I'll retweet.
Guest:If somebody tweets like a funny insult about me, fat, ugly, whatever, I don't give a shit.
Guest:If it's funny, I'll retweet that shit.
Guest:But if it's not, it's like, oh, my God, not only did it suck, it hurt my feelings, too.
Marc:Which ones are your feelings?
Marc:What's it about?
Guest:If it's just mean?
Guest:It's just mean.
Marc:How do you determine what's just mean and what someone's... You know, if it's funny, it's funny.
Guest:You know how to tell what's funny.
Guest:Yeah, most of the time.
Guest:And you can also tell intention.
Guest:That's why I think my comedy doesn't get me beat up or walkouts because you know in my heart I love everybody I make fun of.
Marc:That's interesting.
Marc:That's an interesting idea that there's like even... It doesn't really necessarily... What you're saying isn't where it's at.
Marc:It's what your intention is.
Guest:because honestly and that has to do with tone doesn't it I mean I think it isn't even tone I honestly think I always say this the audience is like dogs when dogs sense fear or whatever or real hostility I think they understand that if I make fun of them I could call honestly I could call gays the worst fucking gay shit ever and they never get mad because I got a place in my heart for them and I think it's just something you could tell it's something like I could tell if you're bullshitting me it's not words it's like just going oh she gets me
Marc:But that's interesting because I don't think I've ever talked about that with anybody because when it comes right down to it, I mean, if I were, and I've had this problem with myself in that I have said shit that has insulted people.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And I've always said like, well, if Attell would have said that, no one would have thought twice about it.
Marc:And I guess what you're saying is true because a lot of times when I'm saying something cutting, I fucking mean it.
Guest:That's your problem is you're very negative.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Unlike me being a positive ray of light.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:You are a mean and evil person.
Marc:I'm feeling that.
Marc:If Lisa Laminelli says I'm evil and that she's a positive ray of light.
Guest:You know what I think it really is?
Guest:Honestly,
Guest:if you don't mean it you can say it I always said that like I'll say to a guy in the audience every night after night you dirty cornhole or you know you take it in the ass you know you're dying of AIDS whatever they laugh and they ask for an autograph and I think it's because they know that in my heart I got love for them I never make French jokes because I fucking hate them
Guest:oh really oh my god fucking europeans i can't make fun of them because they think they're better than us hey we won the war english remember that shit okay so them i don't really make fun of i think it's funny you just don't like the europeans so again you honestly don't make die you honestly don't make any jokes about germans yes because it's pretty funny to make fun of germans just from a general jew thing yeah you know what i mean sure so i make fun of my favorite sounds like you have a list
Guest:i do my favorite groups fags yeah blacks yeah asians yeah filipinos by the way that's kind of asian they're great filipino gays probably be great the best ever yeah as if there's a difference between filipino and gay uh hispanic now the hispanics they're the greatest sports ever there's no conflict with the hispanics they black and white is tougher to pull off right because you know there's been so much black white shit in this world
Marc:Starting with the whole slavery thing.
Guest:Let's put that in quotes because I don't think that really happened.
Guest:Kind of like the Holocaust.
Marc:You said it.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Guest:I'm in shoe.
Guest:My grandma's lying.
Guest:But yeah, I think it's more like you make fun of the people you love.
Guest:It's like in Jerry Maguire when that guy, his mentor said, you got to love everybody.
Guest:If you're going to be with anybody, you got to love them.
Guest:I swear to God, I love these people.
Guest:You laugh.
Guest:I team with my audience.
Guest:I fucking love signing autographs.
Guest:I'm a mental case.
Guest:I love that love.
Marc:I just, well, why wouldn't you?
Marc:But it's a funny, you figured out an interesting and unique way of going about getting love.
Guest:Isn't it weird?
Marc:By shitting in someone's yard.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:What do you think of that shit?
Guest:Look what I did on your yard.
Guest:I did a fucking, what do you call it?
Guest:Picasso.
Guest:Well, I think also that's my mother.
Guest:My mother would always say really funny, insulting shit.
Guest:And you just kind of wouldn't get mad because it was funny.
Marc:Really?
Marc:It didn't hurt your feelings?
Oh.
Guest:Oh, she wouldn't say it to me.
Guest:How she'd talk about other people.
Guest:It would be so fucking funny.
Guest:Even now, she'll say sarcastic, funny shit.
Guest:I'm like, oh my God, why isn't anyone mad at her?
Guest:She's fucking insane.
Guest:She used to tell me the most racist shit, and she actually meant it, and it was so funny.
Guest:She told me Jews.
Guest:She goes, these fucking Jews made up this Hanukkah because they were jealous of us having Christmas, so tried to horn in.
Guest:And I'm just like, she really believes that.
Guest:That's so goddamn funny.
Guest:How old were you when she said that to you?
Guest:Like probably like 15 years ago.
Guest:So it made its way into my act.
Guest:Half the shit that I say in my act, my mother actually means.
Marc:But you never, when you started, like when I knew you, when you, I mean, cause I felt that, you know, by the time you were teaching standup, that you were, you were truly angry about maybe your place in standup because no one chooses to teach.
Guest:Well, no, you know what it was?
Guest:Can I tell you the carefully crafted thing that was behind that?
Guest:Tim Davis used to run Stand Up New York.
Marc:He was a lunatic.
Guest:He was a loon, but he had a great teaching method.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I learned it from him, which is simply to let the people go up on stage, tell a story, and then kind of I would just take notes and ask them to elaborate on that, like Kirsten does with the storytelling.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:So it was like really not even teaching stand up.
Guest:It was kind of listening to them and pulling out what I thought had a grain of truth.
Guest:I mean, what it was, was I said to Tim, look, I want to not have a day job.
Guest:So I want to do this on Saturdays.
Guest:I want you to pay me enough.
Guest:And in exchange, I also want three spots each weekend.
Guest:So I got what I wanted.
Guest:I always have like a method to doing this shit that I wanted.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So I just didn't want to work.
Guest:I didn't want to work as a day job, too.
Guest:It's freaking horrible.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Marc:Oh, absolutely.
Guest:Yeah, because I knew nothing about comedy.
Guest:I still don't, except that when you get up there and I watch you, I could go, oh, that part's really funny.
Guest:He should elaborate.
Guest:I want to hear more.
Guest:You just want to hear more about a certain subject.
Marc:But it's interesting because you don't do that kind of comedy.
Guest:I know, but yet I think you can really analyze people.
Guest:Isn't it funny, though?
Marc:No, I think you're absolutely right.
Marc:I mean, I get what you're saying is that, you know, if you get someone to push themselves or keep explaining or keep going with something, eventually you'll figure out whether or not they're genuinely funny or can be.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I think, though, God's coming back to haunt me because now that's happening to me now that I'm developed.
Guest:I'm writing the Broadway show based on my book with, you know, Alan Zweibel, who wrote Billy Crystal's Broadway show.
Guest:We're working on mine.
Guest:Now he's the guy.
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:We didn't title it yet.
Guest:What was the book called?
Guest:Oh, Chocolate, Please.
Uh-huh.
Guest:Um, but this is more about the weight and food issues and addiction and stuff.
Guest:And I swear to God.
Marc:What was your addiction?
Guest:Food and men.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Both chocolate.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So, but now Alan's coming back to haunt me by going, oh, tell me more about that painful shit.
Guest:And it's now I see that it's right.
Marc:Well, you got, because you got to get in depth with, if it's going to be a theater thing and it's not in, you know, to balance that funny and also to, to give them the expectation of, of, of an engaging on that deeper level.
Marc:But like what, in what areas does he push you?
Guest:Well, like, for instance, I was ranting and raving about the Twitter stuff.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we had to go deep about what really hurts and why.
Guest:I was ranting and raving about this.
Guest:I went to this food rehab for 28 days that I put myself into.
Guest:Well, how heavy did you get?
Guest:Just, like, maybe, like, 20 pounds more than I am now.
Guest:But it's still, like, always an issue.
Guest:Were you bulimic?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:But that's the problem.
Guest:I went to this food rehab thinking it's going to be all fat bitches.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I show up, it's anorexics and me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So a place I thought I was going to be able to work on food, I'm with these cunts who look good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm very angry with this.
Guest:And guess what?
Guest:They were all molested and I never was.
Marc:So were you sad that you didn't- Felt left out.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Guest:You know, I was like, I was cute.
Guest:I saw a picture of myself back then.
Guest:But what cracks me up is like, this guy's like really not letting me go shallow, which I like.
Guest:It's going to be really cool.
Marc:So you weren't molested and you had a raging mother.
Marc:Where'd the compulsive eating come in?
Guest:Well, my mother was Italian, so food pusher.
Marc:But did it make you feel better?
Marc:Do you find it comforting?
Guest:Oh, yes.
Guest:Are you kidding me?
Guest:Like tonight after this- I don't want to fucking eat right now.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like after this, if it went bad, I'd be like, let me go back to the hotel and get, they have the best ice cream in the world there.
Guest:If it went good, I'd be like, let me get the ice cream because I have to celebrate.
Guest:You can't win.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:You can't.
Guest:You're fucked either way.
Marc:So tell me about this cock addiction because I have been- I don't even have one.
Marc:A cock?
Guest:Not anymore.
Marc:Don't disappoint my listeners.
Guest:Chaz Bono.
No.
Guest:No, I didn't like the cock that much.
Guest:It was always to me.
Marc:A love thing?
Guest:Yes, I was a love addict.
Marc:You like to be in a relationship.
Marc:Did you read those books?
Marc:Did you read the Pia Melody books?
Guest:Are you kidding me?
Guest:Of course.
Guest:Should we get them out?
Guest:Yes, we should.
Marc:Codependence.
Marc:Let's get into a codependent thing where we look at what we each underlined in our books.
Guest:I'm sure our highlighters are very similar.
Guest:No, but the thing about the codependence, as you know, underlies all addiction.
Guest:So that's what we worked on in the rehab.
Guest:What do you mean?
Marc:Help me out.
Marc:Codependent underlies all addiction.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So all your addiction.
Marc:Because I had drug addiction and alcoholism too.
Guest:And I've been sober 12 years.
Guest:So you know that codependence is at the core of that?
Marc:In what sense?
Guest:Is that we want people or we want acceptance and we get our validation from outside.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So you got it from the booze.
Guest:I got it from the food.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And the guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But the thing is with guys, I was just a serial monologist.
Guest:I never had a whole.
Marc:Monogamist.
Guest:I had a, did I say monologist?
Guest:Well, that's what you are.
Marc:Well, no, you're going to be a monologist.
Guest:You are a serial monologist, actually.
Guest:Now I am.
Marc:No, you always were.
Marc:I mean, you don't work with other people up there.
Guest:That's very true.
Guest:Yeah, I can't stare at the stage.
Guest:I tried doing improv once with a troupe.
Guest:I was like, fuck this.
Guest:I ain't not getting all the laughs.
Marc:When did you learn that?
Guest:Oh, it was horrible.
Guest:First, right before I started stand-up, I tried to do improv.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Guest:I can't even imagine that.
Guest:I did racist jokes during the improvs, and I was like, oh, this isn't what you're supposed to do.
Guest:You're supposed to let them get laughed.
Guest:I'm like, fuck that.
Guest:I'm doing stand-up.
Guest:I want the attention.
Marc:You're not supposed to say no during improv.
Marc:I can just see you going, shut the fuck up.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:Shut the fuck up.
Guest:I will knife you in the throat.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:I'd love to see tapes of that.
Guest:But with the men, it was like I always had boyfriends from age 13 to 40 without a break.
Guest:Not even a day's break.
Guest:So I said, I got to get out of this shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And finally date somebody appropriate.
Guest:The guy you're with now?
Guest:If I'm meant to be.
Guest:Jimmy is the first guy I ever went out with who is moral, has good character, is a great guy.
Marc:What's he doing with you?
Guest:I know.
Guest:Jesus.
Guest:I hoodwinked him.
Marc:Yeah, I guess.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I mean, it's all out there.
Guest:He sees beneath the soul.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah, well, he's the type.
Marc:Beneath the soul.
Guest:What's that?
Marc:They're just a crying child.
Guest:Well, the thing is about him is he's this guy who is very low maintenance.
Guest:You know how you have to date somebody low maintenance of your comic?
Guest:I mean, I had to date someone who just has almost zero needs.
Marc:I guess it depends on how much you want to have to do.
Marc:I mean, I've never dated anyone low maintenance.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Well, I mean, no.
Marc:When I dated a low maintenance person, she was so low maintenance, she went out and found someone else.
Guest:That's a bad thing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But this one, this one I got now is relatively high maintenance.
Guest:She's very exciting.
Marc:There's never a dull moment.
Guest:See, not me.
Marc:I'm a little frightened of her.
Marc:I'm a little frightened of her and I kind of like it.
Guest:See, I don't like this.
Guest:I like stability.
Guest:I like you to watch my dog.
Guest:I'll take you out to dinner and then we're fine.
Marc:So it sounds like you're- I'm a sugar mama.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:That's what it sounds like.
Guest:Actually, I'm not.
Guest:He was really accomplished.
Guest:He owned two businesses, sold them, and then- You love the guy?
Guest:Oh my God, yeah.
Guest:I got married to him.
Guest:I wouldn't even bother with it if I didn't.
Guest:Because really, I don't need a guy.
Marc:Were you married before?
Guest:Once, but for only a year.
Marc:What was that about?
Guest:Just codependence.
Guest:Like totally one of those rebound guys.
Guest:I had dated a guy who was in prison.
Guest:Not in prison at the time I met him because that's really desperate.
Guest:He was in between prisons?
Guest:Yes, in between prisons.
Guest:And he was very edgy and crazy.
Marc:An ex-con?
Marc:Had a little edge to him?
Guest:And he was a white guy.
Marc:Oh boy.
Guest:All right.
Marc:What was he in prison for?
Guest:Burlery.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:So I had met him and then I wanted to date somebody totally, as you know, you go to the opposite.
Guest:So I dated a guy who was just really nice.
Marc:Comic?
Guest:Yeah, a little bit retarded, just an open-miker when I was starting comedy.
Marc:Is he still in the game?
Guest:He's dead.
Guest:But no, it's okay.
Guest:I'm not upset about it because the thing is, we got a divorce, then he died.
Guest:So that looks good for me.
Guest:No, it took him a couple years.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Yeah, because the thing is, I didn't want to be a widow.
Guest:That's just creepy.
Marc:So you knew he was going to die.
Marc:This guy's not a kid.
Guest:He's on the way out.
Guest:He's an over-exerciser.
Guest:He's going to kill himself.
Guest:But he was like a good guy, too.
Guest:And I always knew I should date somebody again in my life who's a good person.
Guest:So when I found Jimmy after like a year and a half of not dating at all, it was just like he was a nice guy who got me, got the craziness and didn't mind because he's just mellow.
Guest:He's like, really?
Guest:You'd think he smoked pot if you met him because he's so mellow.
Guest:But he doesn't.
Guest:Are you high maintenance?
Guest:No.
Guest:just in the fact that I want to talk about me all the time.
Guest:It's all about me.
Marc:So I think that's the definition of high maintenance.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:It's all about me.
Guest:So yes.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And I'll try to make it up by like asking him about him, but I really don't care that much.
Guest:So I'm just like, really?
Guest:And then I'm like thinking about my Twitter, about my show.
Guest:Am I okay?
Marc:Am I okay though?
Guest:Am I okay with what you're doing?
Marc:Is that guy fucking me?
Marc:How am I getting fucked here?
Guest:This guy's an asshole.
Marc:Just give me some advice here.
Marc:Agree with me, please.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Poor Jimmy.
Marc:Do you ever fight?
Guest:You know, not anymore, really, because we got... This is our thing.
Guest:I'm the type.
Marc:I can't imagine you being mad at me.
Guest:No, it's pretty bad.
Guest:I'm loud.
Guest:I'm really volume.
Marc:Because I fight, you know, and I'm a fighter.
Marc:And if I'm with a chick that fights, it's fucking... We got to apologize to the neighbors twice a week.
Marc:I know something was broken.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That's bad, yeah.
Guest:I'm loud, but our fights now are easier because we went to the shrink.
Guest:I don't go for that real hatred mean thing.
Guest:But you're so good at it.
Guest:It's like with comedy, though.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:So you draw a line with the insults?
Marc:Like, you know, I really am really mad right now.
Marc:I'm not going to use my weapon.
Marc:I really do.
Marc:It's like you're black belt of some kind.
Guest:You can't take it back.
Marc:I'm a professional insulter.
Marc:If I really hate the person, it's really going to hurt them.
Guest:Listen, I'm Miyagi, okay?
Guest:I say I have this weapon.
Guest:Because some of the things you can say in a relationship, you know that's done after that.
Guest:Some things you can never fucking take back.
Marc:Can't put back into your mouth.
Oh my God.
Guest:So I edit myself.
Guest:Um, yeah, I said one thing to him once that I will never say again because it was fucking horrible.
Guest:And I'm just like, oh, it wasn't even true.
Guest:It was when he said it.
Marc:Was there like, did you know that you would tell you?
Guest:I don't give a shit.
Guest:Yeah, he I'm sure he'll listen to this.
Guest:He's great.
Guest:All right.
Marc:What had happened was... So he's going to hear this again, by the way.
Marc:Go ahead.
Guest:What happened was I was really mad for some reason.
Guest:Yeah, you don't even know the reason, do you?
Guest:I don't even remember.
Marc:That's the beautiful thing about rage.
Guest:Right.
Marc:You know, it doesn't matter the reason.
Marc:I just need to get this bile out of me.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then I'll feel better about everything.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Well, the very thing that attracted you, they always hear the very thing that attracted you to a person is what later makes you mad at them.
Guest:So I loved when I met him that he was relaxed.
Guest:He was chill.
Guest:He made me chill out.
Guest:But then after like two years, I was like, you're not motivated enough.
Guest:Why aren't you doing more?
Guest:Why don't you go back to school?
Guest:Why don't you do this?
Guest:Why don't you do that?
Guest:And I forget we're fighting about something.
Guest:And I said, oh, my God, it was horrible.
Guest:I said, oh, yeah.
Guest:I go, well, you know what?
Guest:You don't have to stay with me because you probably just married me for the money anyway.
Guest:Mm hmm.
Guest:And he stared at me.
Guest:It was that long 10 seconds.
Guest:And he goes, do you really think that?
Guest:And of course, at that moment, I could have backed down because I'm a human being.
Guest:But right in his eyes, I just go, I'll say it again.
Guest:And I fucking said it.
Guest:And he was like...
Guest:oh, well, if that's what you think, then this is not going to be good.
Guest:We're going to have to work on this or this is over.
Guest:And I was like, oh shit, I didn't even mean it.
Guest:So see, that's why I edit myself.
Guest:I said, I can't say that because it's not true.
Marc:He threw him such a softball.
Marc:He would have just said, do you think any amount of money would be worth this shit?
Ha ha ha!
Guest:And also, you know, what's good about him?
Guest:He's not with me for the money because he signed the fucking prenup.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:He didn't even he brought it up to me like he brought up.
Guest:He goes, hey, my dad says I should sign whatever you want because I ain't got a pot to piss in.
Guest:So who gives a shit?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I had him sign it.
Guest:He didn't even read it and he signed it.
Guest:So I knew it wasn't true.
Guest:So this is what I got to do, like with my audience.
Guest:If I know it's not.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:If it knows it's really going to hurt you, I can't say it.
Guest:You know, because if it's real, there's some things I want to say to that audience that I don't.
Marc:Like what?
Guest:Well, some of these women, they're real cunts.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And so you just said it.
Marc:What more could you say?
Guest:Is there more to say on that?
Guest:Probably I could go really deep.
Guest:I'm like, because somehow I sense people's real insecurities from the stage.
Guest:And I can't say that.
Marc:They're so vulnerable right there.
Marc:You know that all you got to do is look at them.
Marc:And because you're what you are, they're just hoping to fuck that they don't get into your crosshairs.
Guest:And the real shit.
Guest:People pay extra to sit up front like they do with Rickles.
Guest:They really like being made fun of on the surface.
Guest:Do they really?
Marc:How much more do they pay for a ticket?
Guest:Well, I think front rows and stuff and more money.
Guest:So I think what happens is they'll go, oh, they'll send me Twitters.
Guest:Call me a faggot.
Guest:Do this, do that.
Guest:They like the tame stuff as far as just they know it's name calling.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But like I saw a woman, God, like six months ago, she was, I always liked the first six rows are lit well.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I look out and I see it and she's thin, you know, and I just go, look at this skinny cunt or whatever, thinking she's just some thin bitch.
Guest:And then I look closer and literally, dude, she was like a skeleton.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:She clearly had an eating disorder.
Guest:And I almost started to cry because I was like, oh, my God, she's going to fucking think I really meant it.
Guest:She's going to go home and throw up, whatever.
Guest:So I just go, let me get off her.
Guest:Let me now make fun of myself being fat and blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And I just go, please let her not be mad at me.
Guest:So if you go like that step deeper, I don't think there's coming back.
Marc:Well, that was an oversight.
Marc:It felt so bad.
Guest:I was so upset because she came up after the show and hugged me, and I was like, oh, boy, she has a problem.
Marc:Oh, it's so sad.
Marc:I mean, because my mom's got a little bit of an eating disorder, and I sort of grew up with that mindset.
Marc:And when you see people that are really dying of it, it's so fucking disturbing.
Marc:Literally, when I see someone with that much anorexia on the street, I'm like, oh, my heart just fucking breaks.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:It's like...
Guest:And that's where you don't want to go, you know?
Marc:Well, yeah, that wasn't like, you know.
Guest:I didn't intentionally go, let me ruin this.
Marc:Well, I mean, but has there been a moment where, because I know that I don't generally do insult comedy, but if I do crowd work, I can tear an ass pretty good.
Marc:And it's usually I go too far almost immediately because that's just the way I am.
Marc:But if you had, how would you know?
Marc:I mean, at this point, people are coming to see you.
Marc:So no one's going to fuck with you.
Marc:But I mean, have you ever been fucked with to the point where you had to take out the heavy?
Guest:Yeah, there's a funny ass clip on YouTube that this guy in Redding, Pennsylvania, at this theater the night before.
Guest:This is so random.
Guest:Heart and Journey had played at the place I was.
Guest:Don't stop believing.
Guest:Barracuda.
Guest:Let's do it.
Guest:So I was making fun of Journey.
Guest:And like before that segment of the show, I swear to you, I did spank nigger chink, bing, bing, bing, faggot, cornhole or whatever.
Guest:No offense by anybody.
Guest:I start talking about Journey.
Guest:This guy freaks out and starts screaming at me.
Guest:And I went right down.
Guest:I go down the steps into the audience.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, motherfucker, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And we're going back and forth.
Guest:And I'm going, who is that Steve Perry?
Guest:Like, why is he that mad?
Guest:And you just go, you never know what's going to set them off.
Guest:He's a mental case.
Guest:So I can't even worry what they think if I have a good conscience about it.
Guest:And you're right, the anorexic bitch, if I'd have kept going, that's bad for me.
Guest:But that little mistake, I got to find it and edit it myself.
Marc:Yeah, it's like accidentally making fun of the guy in the wheelchair you didn't see in the dark.
Guest:I love making fun of wheelchair people.
Guest:I'll tell you why.
Guest:They're always begging for it.
Guest:Every time I do a show and I miss a wheelchair guy, he comes up and he goes, why the fuck didn't you make fun of me too?
Guest:I can take it.
Guest:So I go down and I interview them with the little microphone.
Guest:Midgets, hilarious.
Guest:So much fun.
Guest:I have a little midget who comes to see me at Club Nokia.
Guest:He's a celebrity.
Guest:Whenever I'm there, I bring him up on stage.
Guest:I sit him on my lap like a little dummy.
Guest:It's so much fun.
Guest:But I think the worse you have in life, sometimes you can overcome it.
Guest:And then they like that being made.
Marc:I think that for people who can accept that and don't see it as hostile, that I think that making fun of them with their consent and them having a good sense of humor about it probably alleviate some of the tension around people being so afraid.
Marc:I think that it's got to be worse for people who are who are on some level, are there minorities or handicapped in the way that people are so tiptoeing around them that it makes them feel like freaks.
Marc:It almost seems like they'd rather say.
Guest:They'd rather me call them the N-word than some politically correct cunt go that African-American in a snotty way.
Marc:Or act uncomfortable or not knowing what to say.
Guest:Like, do you ever have this where there's an employee and you have to describe them?
Marc:And what do you differentiate between saying nigger and using the N-word?
Marc:I mean, you've done both.
Guest:Isn't it funny?
Guest:No, I don't know.
Marc:Like, all of a sudden, there's like two Lisa's.
Marc:There's the one that actually says it.
Marc:And then there's the one who reflects on it and says the N-word.
Guest:I'm very thoughtful.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:of nowhere are you calling it the n-word after you've already dropped like four of them i just know my audience mark oh okay so this is the the higher brow lisa reflecting on the low brown the comedy theory lisa well though like yeah don't you hate though when you're like in a store and you're trying to describe an employee and you say that no one will say it's the black guy yeah they'll always say he has the short hair he's about five foot tall
Guest:Just say he's fucking black.
Guest:It's a descriptive word.
Marc:I say black.
Marc:I can't get African-American out of my mouth.
Guest:Horrible.
Marc:And I, you know, I've checked it through.
Marc:I mean, black is still fine.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You can do black.
Guest:They love it.
Guest:They seem to enjoy it.
Guest:You know what I hate, too, though?
Guest:What's even more racist and fucked up?
Guest:I hate when people go, because I have a, I'd say at least 30% gay following.
Marc:I hate 30%.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I got a lot of, but 70%, isn't it?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:It's weird.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's a lot of young.
Guest:I get a lot of college age, like boys, which is really good.
Guest:Cause they'll live a long time.
Guest:I don't want old people to be my fans.
Guest:Fuck them.
Guest:They're going to die.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I want longevity here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So these, I hate when people go, I love gays.
Guest:They're great.
Guest:It's like, there's no one universal great group.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I have gay friends and they're fucking pain in the ass.
Guest:Gay guys.
Guest:So you know what?
Guest:I hate that blanket.
Guest:Everybody's good too.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:it's bullshit no a lot of that is bullshit and i guess you know we can we can talk about that in the sense that uh i had a problem with gallagher of all people uh around uh yeah because he you know got this reputation for doing basically you know shitty jokes about minorities and you know he's not really the guy to do it and i just when i talk to people about that stuff i asked him you know where does that come from you know why do you have hate or whatever and he's like they're not even my jokes and he was just sort of pander
Marc:and being nasty like i don't give a fuck what anyone says if they can own it i just talk to dice you know and he does what he does and uh you know some of it's pretty aggressive but and i've had to be sold on it to a certain degree but i've never heard your explanation uh before which is that they that the people you're talking about and to can tell your intention innately and it's not about what is being said it's whether or not it's funny and it's coming from the right place
Guest:Yeah, because I feel that way about Rickles.
Guest:When you watch him, you go, he's saying, hey, without Mexicans, there'd be no filth, which, by the way, is the best joke ever because it's so simple and obviously untrue.
Guest:That's why my jokes are so fucking simple.
Guest:It's because you know they're not true.
Marc:But has there come a point where, because you're not everybody's cup of tea.
Guest:No, which is fine.
Guest:No, no, I'm not either.
Guest:You know what I always say about that, Marc Maron, if I may interrupt you?
Guest:whatever you want for the first seven years of comedy i was like i can't believe they don't get me like if everybody didn't like me then the next seven years i was like fuck you if you don't get me now for these years i'm like it's okay if you don't get me yeah don't come as long as 2 000 people a night get it yeah the rest go fuck their mother well that's right that's yeah and they they probably do if you tell them so yeah
Marc:But, no, I understand that completely.
Marc:And I think also you didn't define, like, I think early on you were primarily just doing jokes about yourself and you didn't become like this insult queen until... Yeah, but after the roast, I swear to God, I just went with it.
Guest:Right.
Marc:I just went with it.
Marc:That defines you.
Marc:Yeah, I love it.
Marc:But what I was saying, though, I don't... It's not like people are coming up to me saying, like, you know, I don't get Lisa Lampanelli and I don't really like her.
Marc:But I saw you...
Marc:in vancouver uh at one of the comedy festivals yes right and i hadn't seen you work probably really in live you know since the roast and before that since stand up new york right and i've been around comedy a long time and i walked into that place and i have never i have not felt that type of electric wrong
Guest:Oh, I love that word.
Guest:That's a great phrase.
Marc:But you know what I'm saying?
Marc:There was an electricity in the room because it was mostly gay, I think, but maybe 50-50.
Guest:Vancouver is pretty faggy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And there was no moral compass to what was happening.
Marc:You were done up big.
Marc:I don't remember what you were wearing, but there was a lot.
Marc:One of the dresses.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know, and it was just like electric in there.
Marc:And it was without any sort of moral barometer whatsoever.
Marc:And you didn't know what the fuck was going to happen.
Marc:And I hadn't felt that since I used to watch Kenison.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:That there is a type of electricity that comes from just a sort of like morally unhinged assault that it's not only shocking, it's not only funny, but you're like, well, I can't fucking believe I'm seeing this, you know, and everybody's like, you know, like freaking.
Marc:And I was very impressed.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:And up until today, I had no idea what you thought of me.
Guest:I always thought if I had a makeup in my head, what Mark Maron thinks of Lisa Lampanelli, it's that I'm horrible.
Guest:I have no place in this business.
Guest:I'm a hack.
Guest:I'm derivative.
Guest:I'm just because I'm you know, because some really smart comics.
Marc:are very judgy and you know i was like fuck maybe mark really hates me but you know hey at least i'm in your house what no one fucking does what you do and i mean you know and nobody you know and it's like whatever anybody says or who everybody anyone wants to judge me and how i handle this on my show it's not easy for chicks it's just not and and not only are you winning in in a man's game so to speak
Marc:But you're transcending anyone that came before you and what you're doing.
Marc:And there's something incredibly hilarious and menacing and horrible about you.
Guest:Oh, thank you.
Guest:This is going on my website.
Guest:Can I ask you a real question?
Guest:All right.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I want an answer from you.
Guest:You don't have to lie to me to make me feel good.
Guest:Why would I?
Guest:Yeah, this is why I'm asking you.
Guest:I've never asked this of anybody.
Guest:I can't even dare ask.
Guest:Do you think there's a chance...
Marc:in after i'm dead that i will go down in history as one of the greats do you think there's a chance of what i do here people will remember what i did absolutely because i really that's all i ever wanted there's so few people you can look at the business yourself you're a student of comedy there's so few people that actually uh cut a little bit of place for themselves in this world there's a there's a thousand cats that that are just okay comics but
Marc:But, you know, the fact that, you know, you're drawing 2000 people a night that you are a fucking spectacle and you are like an experience, a live experience that very few people can can really forget.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So and I think absolutely.
Marc:I would love that.
Guest:I just want to be in books and have people go, oh, you know, she did it.
Marc:Do you feel like you've been trivialized in any way?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Oh, absolutely.
Marc:How do you feel dismissed?
Guest:They did an article on women in comedy and Vanity Fair about three years ago, four years ago.
Guest:And Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, and I think Chelsea Handler were on the cover.
Guest:And then they had 10 other women comics.
Guest:They quoted me in it twice.
Guest:They completely ignored Kathy Griffin, which I was shocked because I really like her.
Guest:And I didn't get in the picture.
Guest:Like there was a Annie Leibovitz photo shoot.
Guest:And I was so sad.
Marc:They ignored and slighted.
Marc:They ignored Kathy Griffin and slighted you.
Marc:Was this the only non-gay writer at Vanity Fair?
Guest:I think it was gay.
Guest:I think it was Christopher Hitchens.
Guest:He's not gay.
Guest:Well, I say he's gay because he didn't put me in the damn store.
Guest:Well, he's got cancer now.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:Because, you know, that's for not putting me in the fucking seat.
Guest:You got yours.
Guest:No, but this is what I feel.
Guest:I felt very sad at that because I go, wow, you know, don't they think I'm good enough for that shoot?
Guest:Like I always go to unworthy.
Guest:I always go like, for instance, if a waiter doesn't bring the milk with the coffee, I go to that.
Guest:If I was thinner, prettier or more popular, he would have brought that milk instead of going, oh, he just forgot.
Guest:So I constantly go to why aren't I cool enough?
Guest:I say this is so gay, but I always said I'm like the Jethro Tull of comedy where I'll influence people and I'll have a long career, but I'm not cool.
Marc:But you know what?
Marc:There's something else that I'm starting to realize.
Marc:I mean, you know, cool is overrated.
Marc:Number one.
Marc:And when I first met you, you were you know, you didn't you didn't wear any makeup.
Marc:Nothing cool.
Marc:Your hair was almost for some reason.
Marc:I want to think it was in a bun.
Guest:No, it was short.
Guest:It was dykey.
Guest:Right, dykey.
Guest:It was no frills.
Guest:You were kind of frumpy.
Guest:Is that the word?
Guest:Totally.
Guest:It was like, get me a stylist now.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:And you just walked around with these wide, hate-filled eyes.
Guest:It was really fear.
Marc:I think you misinterpreted my anger because I was scared of you.
Marc:No, I think you're probably right.
Marc:But one thing I realized the other night, I did Bill Maher's show, and I said something fairly crass, and I'm capable of that, and I know how to do that, and I used to do more of it.
Marc:And it got the right wing blogs all fucking freaked out.
Marc:And now they're accusing me of this or that.
Marc:But I think that what you forget about what you do is that it's truly irreverent.
Marc:And that even amongst people who do, you know, hardcore comedy, there's a certain decorum that is supposed to be sort of respected.
Marc:And you transcend that.
Marc:And that's creating your own time zone because you look at people like there's only a few people that do that in any given point in comedy.
Marc:Stan Hope does it.
Marc:You do it where you're pushing it out beyond the moral boundaries and you push it even further then.
Marc:So even people who are cute and maybe a little edgy or taking sort of cute risks and they fit into the cool picture.
Guest:Right.
Marc:But when you're fucking out there in your own time zone and you're pushing the envelope, you know, you're not going to get the respect from fashionable types, but you're also going to get bigger audiences and you're also going to create a much more insane experience for your audiences.
Guest:Well, that Kinnison quote about it's you want 10 percent of the world to love you, not 90 percent like you is like the best quote ever because your 10 percent are going to be pretty fucking loyal because you're real, you know, at least real who you are.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But yeah, I just it's sad never to fit into the cool people.
Marc:Yeah, but the thing is, who the fuck are they?
Marc:I mean, when you think about that, I mean, I fought my life doing that too.
Marc:And some people thought I was cool, but I never fit in anywhere.
Marc:You know, I didn't fit in with the ONA crowd.
Marc:I didn't fit in with the nerd crowd.
Marc:I was always too uncomfortable and made people too uncomfortable because I was too intense and misunderstood to fucking fit in anywhere.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yet I always thought of you and Louis C.K.
Guest:and all those guys as the cool guys.
Guest:And I would be like looking down all the time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because I would just be like, oh, my God, they like know everything.
Marc:Louis got to fucking love you.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I met him once.
Marc:Believe me, it's hard to get on the phone.
Marc:And he's a friend.
Guest:That's funny.
Guest:It's just those guys were like revered.
Guest:You know, you guys were just this different.
Guest:Like you were like iconic in that way.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But, you know, I was iconic in that nobody really liked what I did.
Guest:You're so full of shit.
Guest:You know, Stan Hope, I'll tell you, I was scared of him and then I worked with him in Vegas and it was so cool.
Guest:So here's a guy I'm thinking is going to hate me.
Guest:I always just think everyone's going to hate me.
Guest:Maybe that's what it is.
Guest:I just think I have to win everybody over.
Guest:And maybe that's why I try so hard and work so hard.
Marc:But isn't it interesting that you did it with being completely insulting?
Guest:I know.
Marc:Because I used to do that, too.
Marc:It's like, I will defy you to like me.
Marc:Because the ones that actually do after that, you're like, all right, I like you.
Marc:You passed it.
Marc:Yeah, sometimes.
Marc:But unfortunately, sometimes I'm still in the area where I defy people to like me.
Marc:And then when they do, I say, why the fuck do you like me?
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:wow you're worse than me yes i am and you're sober i can't fit into a dress don't worry i can't either i started wearing pants fuck it all what is it with the gays how why who how do they pick who they can i tell you i have a story for you with that i did a book signing at this gay bookstore in atlanta called outright books pretty clever huh
Marc:Oh, wait, I know.
Marc:Is that right by the Laughing Skull?
Marc:Is it right in that little gate, that two-block radius?
Guest:Yes, exactly, where they allow the gays.
Marc:Right, the Flying Biscuit is right across the street, the biscuit, whatever the fuck it's called, the restaurant.
Guest:Yeah, it's like adorable, right?
Marc:Right, so like one corner is the gay corner.
Guest:Right, and they're allowed, and that's where we should keep them.
Guest:It's like their little camp.
Marc:Yeah, all right, so you're doing that.
Guest:So I'm doing the book signing, and somebody said to me something about the gays love you or whatever.
Guest:It was like,
Guest:And I go, listen, I have finally all gays in one room.
Guest:I said, what is it about me you like me?
Guest:I said, here's what I think.
Guest:I said, I think it's because you sense that I never fit in anywhere either and you identify with that.
Guest:Is that it?
Guest:And one guy raises his hand and goes, I don't think that's it.
Guest:I think we just like mean girls.
Guest:It's like, okay, I'll take it.
Guest:I've always said, like, my audience either has really good self-esteem or bad self-esteem, and either way, it makes me money.
Guest:And what about the blacks?
Guest:The blacks.
Guest:They probably hate themselves as much as I hate myself.
Guest:Do you find a lot in your audience?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And interracial couples.
Guest:My Blackcock University degree has allowed me to still attract the interracial couples.
Guest:Although they did boo me for a while when I said I married Whitey and I had explained I started dating without seeing color.
Guest:So fuck you.
Guest:I went back to Whitey.
Guest:See, I found love, even though it's a lesser color.
Marc:That's so funny.
Marc:The interracial couples who are not so liked by black women, if the woman is white, they're getting mad at you for abandoning them.
Guest:I was the last fat white one who was talking about it.
Guest:Now that they went to the Asians, those race traitors.
Guest:And Asians, are you getting them in your audience?
Guest:You know, Filipinos mostly because they're that weird mixture.
Guest:They're like the Swiss army knife of minorities.
Guest:They're all put together.
Guest:They don't want the fuck they are.
Guest:So I think they feel disenfranchised too.
Guest:I think the more of a misfit you are, the more you like me.
Guest:That's what I think.
Marc:Now, have you had any experience where you, and be honest with me, where, where, where you've offended people?
Guest:Um, very rarely, which is why I'm so happy because I never had walkouts.
Guest:I never had those like emails, letters.
Guest:Well, I have my assistant delete them.
Guest:So I think everybody likes me.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I can't, I can't even, cause I used to read them and really cry and be upset.
Marc:It's horrible, right?
Marc:The speedball effect of like, oh, they love me.
Marc:They love me.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:They hate me.
Guest:Well, you know this thing that happened with the Westboro Baptist Church?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What did you do?
Marc:You did something amazing, right?
Guest:Oh, it was great.
Marc:It seemed like hilarious.
Marc:You donated more.
Guest:I donated.
Guest:I said they were going to protest my show in Topeka, and I said I'm going to donate a grand for every protester who shows up because I go, and I'm going to donate to an AIDS project so you help the people that you really hate.
Guest:Genius.
Guest:So guess what?
Guest:I'm thinking 20 at most is going to show fucking 48 show up.
Guest:So I write a check for 50.
Guest:I go, you know what?
Guest:Oprah says you should do that.
Guest:So I'm going to do it.
Guest:So that was what was pretty funny.
Guest:I donate the big novelty check and the little check.
Guest:It felt really good.
Marc:What was their response?
Guest:Did you get a church response?
Guest:Oh, no, but I wanted an individual thank you notes sent to every member of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Guest:I don't know if GMHC did it, but that would be pretty cool if they did.
Marc:But you didn't get any post.
Guest:I blocked them all because it was too painful.
Guest:Oh, what I was going to say was.
Marc:After you gave the money, no response.
Marc:You don't know.
Guest:Well, maybe they did.
Guest:WBC is so evil that I was just like, I got to block all these assholes.
Guest:But I think they were probably pissed because all that money went to AIDS people.
Guest:So, ha ha.
Guest:And what's weird about this, I give the money, right?
Guest:I'm so excited because TMZ covers it.
Guest:Everybody's happy.
Guest:I had one full day.
Guest:That's what I was going to say.
Guest:One full day of looking at Twitter that I didn't have an insult to me.
Guest:I was like, good for a day.
Guest:Then the next day, there was a lot of good ones.
Guest:Then, hey, you're fat.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah, we're back.
Guest:We forgot you gave the money.
Guest:You're a fat cunt.
Guest:Oh, God.
Marc:Do you think there's any place you shouldn't go comedically?
Guest:Oh, no, no, no.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:One place.
Guest:What?
Guest:If you can't make it funny, because honestly, if a joke is edgy about rape or AIDS or whatever or whatever, that's fine if it's funny.
Guest:But there are certain subjects I just couldn't find a real good punchline to make it funny.
Guest:Like I could never do a September 11th joke that worked.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But some comics like yourself, I'm sure, Louie, I think like some guys were going up at the cellar two days after and making it funny.
Guest:Yeah, trying to.
Guest:And I was like, wow, that's Colin Quinn.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:He was doing funny shit.
Guest:And I was like, I can't do that.
Guest:So if I can't make it funny, I don't bother with it.
Marc:Are you one of those people that challenges yourself to make weird and wrong shit funny?
Guest:Yeah, like AIDS and rape and stuff.
Guest:Because those are pretty bad, I think.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:From what I hear.
Marc:On the top five lists, those are up there, bad things to happen to you.
Guest:Rape with AIDS?
Marc:Yeah, very bad.
Marc:Hilarious.
Marc:Getting AIDS from a rape.
Yeah.
Guest:You're making me laugh.
Guest:No, but I think that is a good challenge, don't you?
Marc:Well, I've only met one other person out of the 200 comics that I've interviewed that actually sets out to do that in Jezelnik, Anthony Jezelnik.
Guest:Oh, I love him.
Marc:He's great.
Marc:He actually only likes to try to figure out things that are so fucked up that he has to make jokes about.
Guest:Can I tell you an Anthony Jezelnik story?
Marc:Sure.
Guest:Did you fuck him?
Guest:Oh, God, no.
Guest:He's young.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Well, the roast is coming up for Trump about four months ago.
Guest:And this Jeselnik, I had no idea who he was, but he was stepping in to do it.
Guest:And I looked him up on the YouTube.
Guest:And he had a really set on Jim Norton's stand-up show on HBO.
Guest:And I said, this guy's mean.
Guest:This guy is going to ruin me.
Guest:I got to really.
Guest:I had to go see my spiritual guide for that day.
Guest:Who the hell's that?
Guest:A guy at Canyon Ranch.
Guest:And I had to go and talk to him how I'm going to get through Anthony Jeselnik being mean to me.
Marc:You serious?
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:I wanted to just work on really not getting my feelings hurt at the roast.
Marc:Does Jesenik know this?
Guest:No.
Guest:So I'm watching him.
Guest:I go, okay, I'm counting down to when he goes up and I go, okay, he's going to come up.
Guest:Just smile.
Marc:What did your spiritual guard tell you to do?
Guest:He said, just, you know, let it go.
Guest:And he doesn't mean it.
Guest:You don't mean anything you say.
Guest:Why should he mean what he did?
Guest:But I go, this kid seems very snotty.
Guest:He's young.
Guest:So he goes up and I'm like, okay, look in the camera and smile.
Guest:This is going to be funny.
Guest:Pretend you like it and then go see your shrink tomorrow.
Guest:so this guy goes up he's fucking brutal but really funny he killed yeah he looks at me and he goes lisa lampanelli he goes you're cool and then he went on to somebody else i said oh my god no matter what you prepare for the disaster and it doesn't go i went up to him my husband goes up and he goes thanks for not fucking with my wife he goes i love her but dude see even when you think something's gonna happen it don't oh that's hilarious that kid i thought oh he looks so mean
Guest:He's got a thing.
Marc:He's sharp.
Guest:He's edgy, man.
Guest:There's very few guys who could pull that off.
Marc:Yeah, no, and sometimes it's interesting because he's got to lock into that disposition up there because every one of those jokes is going to be as off-putting to some people as the next.
Marc:It's a real tightrope thing, and I like him.
Marc:He does it well.
Guest:I know.
Guest:There's so few.
Marc:Have you met some of the people that you respect now that you're rich and famous?
Guest:Yeah, I met Rickles a long time ago because the Friars knew that I liked the insult comedy.
Guest:Rickles gives me this advice.
Guest:You know when they're old, you have to pretend their advice is good?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, sure.
Guest:He goes to me, he's one of these territorial ones too.
Guest:He's like, I hear you do kind of what I do.
Guest:I'm just going to give you one piece of advice.
Guest:Keep it clean and you'll work anywhere.
Guest:And I'm nodding like, oh yeah, you're old.
Guest:I'm going to fucking listen to you.
Guest:I don't want to work a bar mitzvah asshole.
Marc:You should have just said, fuck you.
Guest:No!
Guest:I said oh I'll try to remember that and said come the next day I'm like whatever dude but it ain't that world anymore I curse in real life just as me why wouldn't I do it on stage people are going to sense you're holding back I think you just got to be who you are I'm curious about this spiritual advisor shit oh I love him my spiritual guy at Kenyan he helped me through a lot of shit what's his credentials
Guest:He has masters in every religion, PhD.
Marc:A master in religions?
Guest:Yeah, and he studies religion.
Guest:But the thing is, I just like somebody who can look at things from a moral perspective and just go, maybe you shouldn't act like that, or maybe you should do this, or maybe you should try this.
Marc:What are some of the problems other than Anthony Jeselnik that you would go to your spiritual advisor for?
Guest:I went to him about Greg Giraldo once.
Guest:Because I was really scared of Greg for the same reason.
Guest:But this is the worst reason, because Greg was an addict, as you know, scared the shit out of me.
Guest:Because when he do those roasts again, I thought he really meant what he said.
Guest:And he was so good at it.
Guest:But I would honestly feel like I got hit by a truck when he'd get off that stage.
Marc:So it happened before.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:So I was about to do the cable guy roast, the one with Larry.
Marc:With Whitney.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, oh, my God, he's going to be mean to me.
Guest:And I went up and I talked to Jonathan about it.
Guest:And he's like, he has his demons and just look past it.
Guest:And, you know, all the faggoty things spiritual people say.
Guest:And it worked, you know.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So this was about, okay.
Marc:So both times you went, it was about a roast.
Guest:Once I went about stern, once I went, I'm, I'm, but it's always about how you're going to, how are you not going to get hurt?
Guest:How am I going to protect myself?
Guest:Like it's stern.
Guest:I went on stern once I decided to get dress up and stuff and have good hair and everything.
Guest:I went on stern and he was so complimentary.
Guest:He goes, Oh, look at you.
Guest:You lost how much weight I go off 40 pounds.
Guest:And he was so complimentary.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I started getting weight back and I go, I got to go on Stern.
Guest:I've gained 10 pounds.
Guest:He's going to call me fat.
Guest:I'm going to be fucking shattered because this is my hero.
Guest:My biggest hero in the world is Stern.
Guest:And I went to Jonathan.
Guest:We talked about it and he just told me how to handle it.
Guest:And Stern never said anything.
Guest:That's how this is why I like Stern.
Guest:He don't give a shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:If you're funny, you're funny.
Guest:He sees past.
Guest:He don't care.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, so he has his insecurities, too.
Guest:You forget that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because he's so all powerful.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You've been in that room.
Marc:No.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:I've never been on Stern.
Guest:He'd probably love you.
Marc:I don't know why I've never been on there.
Guest:I know.
Marc:I don't know if I'm on his radar.
Marc:It's just never happened.
Guest:I think you're on everybody's radar, but you don't know.
Marc:Yeah, maybe.
Marc:But what do you do?
Marc:Do you call Howard Stern and say, when can I come on?
Marc:Call Gary and you say- I don't know that guy.
Guest:I'll give you the email.
Marc:Well, email for me.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Listen to this.
Marc:I'm doing you favors.
Guest:Yeah, you are.
Guest:I'm sweating my cunt off in a podcast.
Marc:Are you sweating?
Marc:Is it happening?
Guest:A little hot, but it's okay.
Guest:It's a little hot.
Guest:Just behind the tits.
Guest:We're up-
Marc:I'd ask you to air him out, but I don't know if I could handle it.
Guest:You could not handle it?
Guest:No one can.
Guest:Trust me, it's horrible.
Marc:Well, no, we're almost done, but I think it's interesting.
Guest:No, I love you, man.
Guest:You're fun to talk to.
Marc:I just think it's wild because that's why we do comedy is somehow to preemptively protect ourselves from getting hurt in situations that we might not get hurt at all, and we're sort of naturally defensive like that.
Marc:and that you actually go see somebody before you have to sit.
Marc:You're going to go shit on everybody on the dais, but in order for you to sit down, depending on who's on the fucking show, you've got to go meet your guru to figure out how you're going to be able to not get hurt.
Guest:I know, and it works a little, though.
Guest:You know what's weird, though?
Guest:With Jeff Ross and Whitney Cummings...
Guest:I never sensed meanness.
Guest:I think that's why Jeff can get away with it, too.
Guest:Like, I just know they like me.
Guest:Me and Geraldo never had a relationship, so I never knew if he liked me.
Guest:So I was always scared of him.
Guest:I think if I know, like, cable guy, he's going to get up there and be mean to me.
Guest:I'm going to be like, oh, he's nice to me.
Guest:Who gives a shit?
Guest:But if you don't know them, you're scared.
Guest:Like, Jezelnik, I'm figuring, is a dick.
Guest:I get it, right.
Guest:And he's not a dick.
Guest:And you're like, holy shit.
Marc:So it's about that intention again.
Marc:It's no longer like, you know, no matter what Whitney Cummings could say, even if it was meaner than Anthony.
Marc:It's not going to hurt you.
Guest:Never, because I know we're kind of I don't I wouldn't say we're friends, but we're friendly where I know she has respect and we Twitter and this and that.
Guest:So I know she's not a cunt.
Guest:But when I find out you're not a cunt like Jezelnik, then I'm like, oh, I like you.
Guest:And now he could say mean shit about me if I ever do a roast again.
Guest:Huh ever.
Guest:Yeah, I'm sick of those fucking things.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Oh, so then this one person show sounds really exciting.
Marc:What's the estimated time of arrival of that thing right before the Tony's I think 2013 cuz you're working with Zweibel now who's a genius
Guest:he's great and like I said it goes deep and we did a reading of like 30 minutes of it so far just to like see you're just sitting you're getting up there telling stories you're kind of you're going from the book and then you're going a little more yeah I think unfortunately it's not going to be it's now becoming more about what's not in the book and what came after so thank god yeah it's just have you cried yeah and there's two moments so far in the 30 minutes not that I cried but the audience did so I was like yes did you cry you don't cry
Guest:Oh, I cry constantly, but not during the show.
Marc:Why not?
Guest:I will.
Guest:I'll get there eventually.
Guest:It's hard to cry, don't you think?
Marc:It depends what commercial I'm watching.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:It depends who I'm with.
Guest:Like, I went to see Motherfucker in the Hat.
Guest:Did you see it?
Marc:I can cry watching the show Chopped, which it shouldn't even render that.
Marc:You know, like, if somebody wins or the food is good or a guy's cake doesn't work out, I'm fucking tearing up.
Marc:What the fuck is wrong with me?
Guest:Dude, I watched Letters to Juliet on the plane and I was sobbing going, oh my God.
Marc:So that just means we don't know how to cry for the right reasons.
Guest:For the right reasons.
Guest:We cry at this faggoty shit.
Guest:Like every episode of Sex and the City, I'm weeping.
Marc:There's something wrong with me.
Marc:In the process of doing the show, you haven't broken.
Guest:Oh, I cry like a bitch in the writing sessions.
Marc:But like what?
Marc:Which parts?
Guest:When we were talking about the roast and about Twitter and about this thing that happened to me on Good Day LA, a guy said something really mean to me offstage once the camera stopped.
Marc:So fucking sensitive.
Marc:Lampanelli's so fucking sensitive.
Guest:Dude, I think that's the only reason I can get away with what I do is because they know that I'm a fucking pussy.
Guest:I'm such a baby.
Guest:Like, I'm so gay.
Guest:Like I was saying, did you see Motherfucker in the Hat on Broadway?
Guest:No.
Guest:The Chris Rock one?
Marc:No.
Guest:I was crying like a bitch after, and I'm with my husband, and I'm embarrassed.
Marc:Is it still running?
Guest:I think it just ended.
Guest:It had a limited run anyway.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:And I'm like, can I even cry in front of my own husband?
Guest:I think because my father, when I was watching, do you remember?
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:Are you 50 yet?
Marc:I'm not 47.
Guest:Okay, I'm 50 tomorrow.
Guest:When this Brian song, do you remember Brian's song?
Marc:Yeah, of course.
Guest:I was crying like a bitch when I was like 12 watching my father, who's the nicest guy in the world, looks at me and started laughing ever since then.
Guest:And the nicest guy ever.
Guest:I mean, he's very mild.
Guest:Yeah, I think he he was just joking or something.
Guest:It totally paralyzed me.
Guest:So now when I'm even with Jimmy, I'm like, am I allowed to cry?
Guest:Is he going to laugh at me?
Guest:So that's like what's hard.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:At least you tracked it down.
Guest:I know we had to in rehab.
Guest:Oh, I should.
Guest:You're right.
Marc:Because it's like it's not, you know, like you said, it's not incest.
Marc:It's not, you know, no one hit you.
Marc:But your father laughed at you when you were a kid crying over Brian's song.
Guest:And that Kevin James did a whole episode of King of Queens on how it's OK to cry at Brian's song.
Guest:Even guys cry.
Marc:How old were you, do you think?
Guest:I think like 12.
Guest:And those are formative years where you're just like you're in between almost going to puberty.
Guest:So you're like, oh, my God, what's wrong here?
Guest:And so I got really uncomfortable with emotion.
Marc:And what happened after that?
Marc:You cried?
Marc:Did you stop when he laughed at you?
Guest:No.
Guest:Oh yeah.
Guest:And I was just like, I will never cry again.
Guest:Also, you know what I would never do in front of my parents?
Marc:It's like, no, like I was, he was laughing.
Marc:I was crying.
Marc:I stopped crying.
Marc:Then he fucked me.
Marc:Oh my goodness.
Guest:I wish.
Marc:We found it.
Guest:We found it.
Guest:Repressed memory.
Guest:Thank you for having me on the show.
Guest:Now I know what my father did.
Guest:No, I think I just suppress it all, and then it comes out in these weird sideways, you know, it all comes out sideways with the addictions and stuff.
Guest:That's when I probably started eating more.
Guest:Yeah, it all comes around.
Marc:He was laughing at you.
Marc:Don't cry, kid.
Marc:Have some ice cream.
Guest:No shit.
Marc:And then your mother came in, give her more ice cream.
Guest:Like, I remember Field of Dreams was on.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Who doesn't weep when he goes, you want to have a game of catch?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I couldn't cry about that.
Guest:Also, you know what I won't do in front of my parents even until now?
Guest:What?
Guest:Fall asleep in front of them.
Marc:Why?
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:Do they draw on your face?
Guest:No, I just feel it's a weakness and I can't show that.
Guest:So I will myself to stay awake.
Guest:It's fucking weird, man.
Guest:I'm so glad my parents don't have a computer because they'd hear the shit and be shocked.
Marc:Would they?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because they just never understood why you never go to sleep?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:They were just like she.
Guest:My mother would never think she ever did anything wrong.
Marc:So it's about vulnerability because when you're sleeping.
Guest:Totally.
Marc:So you got to keep it tough.
Guest:It's hard to be vulnerable now.
Guest:You know that even in a relationship.
Marc:I know.
Guest:You know, it's very hard.
Marc:It makes me very nervous because I find myself doing it and I hear that softness in my voice and I feel like that kind of in my heart's connected to it.
Marc:And I can't stay there very long because I just feel like this isn't good enough.
Guest:i know come on pick it up pick it up here we go well that's one thing that's why bell and them said to me even after the reading they were all proud of me for going there because i talked about a death and then this other thing and the people were crying which death uh this ex-boyfriend i had who died oh the one the 400 pound oh no that's the ex-husband all my boyfriends are dead it's jimmy has the best life ever because i say you know they should call my thing the deadliest snatch because everybody i fuck dies
Marc:So a 400 pounder, did you just say?
Guest:Yeah, he fucking bit the dust about seven years ago when I was in rehab for fatness and he died from fatness.
Guest:So it was like a sign, you know, to really work on myself.
Marc:How do fat people fuck?
Guest:Horribly.
Guest:It's not fun to crawl on top of that thing.
Guest:400 is a lot.
Guest:That's a lot.
Guest:Yeah, no shit.
Marc:I just always wonder how you lay in bed together and not just be like, oh, what are you...
Guest:Yeah, you get on top and you do what you can.
Guest:You try to find what you can.
Guest:You do what you can.
Guest:It's very different.
Marc:I've had people write me emails and say, you know, quit saying you're fat because you're not and you're offending fat people.
Guest:What?
Marc:Yeah, because I'm always complaining about my weight.
Guest:But you're allowed.
Guest:Your pain is your pain, as they say.
Marc:No, I know, but I literally got a letter from an overweight fan and said, just stop doing that because some of us really are fat and, you know, you're making us mad.
Guest:Yeah, but what's her place to tell you what to feel?
Guest:No, I think she's right on some level.
Guest:Well, but you're not fat, clearly.
Marc:But if you have that issue... I was always looking for it.
Marc:You know what's funny?
Marc:We're done, I guess.
Guest:Yeah, really, now you've gotten your therapy, it's fine.
Guest:But yeah, it's hard to show those things about yourself.
Guest:And then that's what Alan said to me after reading.
Guest:He goes, you know, you need to pause more where you don't get a laugh, because those are the lines that... That's the trickiest thing to learn when you do theater, is as a comic, not to fill that like, huh?
Guest:What?
Marc:You know, like that silence comes and your first thing is like, oh, they're not laughing.
Marc:They're judging.
Guest:And you start tap dancing.
Marc:Oh, sure.
Marc:Because you don't want to fall asleep in front of your parents.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Shit.
Guest:I blame Gloria and Leonard.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, now we've gotten to the core of it.
Marc:We're hot.
Marc:Lisa's tits are sweating.
Marc:We got cigars going.
Marc:It was great talking to you.
Guest:Oh, this is a good cigar, by the way.
Marc:Well, thank you.
Marc:And thank you for chatting with me.
Guest:Oh, you're the best.
Marc:Well, that's it.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:She wasn't that bad at all, huh?
Marc:You surprised the queen of being such a thoughtful, energetic, nice, sweet person?
Marc:Huh?
Marc:What do you think of that?
Marc:I love talking to Lisa, and I'm very grateful that you're all listening to my show.
Marc:I'd be very grateful if you go to WTFPod.com and get on the mailing list.
Marc:Perhaps make a donation.
Marc:Perhaps buy a mug, a t-shirt, a poster.
Marc:Maybe I'll put buttons up there.
Marc:I'm going to have a lot of buttons on my hands soon.
Marc:Yes, go there and do that.
Marc:You can get the apps.
Marc:You can check the episode guide.
Marc:You can see what is up and who has been on and who hasn't been on.
Marc:There are pictures.
Marc:There are things.
Marc:I put the blog up every week.
Marc:I put little videotapes up there.
Marc:I'm trying to make it a place for us to hang out.
Marc:Can we do that, please?
Marc:Can we go to WTFPod.com and hang out?
Marc:Can we?
Marc:Can we?
Marc:Can you get an app, please?
Marc:Would anybody like an app?
Marc:Who ordered an app?
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'm done.
Marc:I'm done.
you