Episode 201 - Rob Huebel, Joe Lo Truglio, Aparna Nancherla, Bob Ducca, Jim & Eddie
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
With Mark Martin.
Marc:All right, let's do this live WTF at the Steve Allen Theater in Los Feliz in Los Angeles, California.
Marc:Welcome aboard, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fucking nots, what the fuck quads I got recently in Canada.
Marc:I was told what the fuck was.
Marc:I don't know if that's a real word, but I like it.
Marc:Thank you for coming down.
Marc:I'm even excited to see the people that came down last time.
Marc:This man has sat in the same seat twice, three times creepy, two times a fan.
Marc:I'm sorry, buddy.
Marc:I know you don't want me to draw attention to you, but I appreciate you being there, but I did remember you sat there last time because I had the exact same feeling last time.
Marc:You gotta laugh once.
Marc:All right, all right, maybe he's playing a character that only he knows about, and I'm about to be part of his show.
Marc:All right, this happened, I was coming back from Canada, and I don't know how much you travel, but if you fucking snore, do not fall asleep on the plane.
Marc:Well, I have been traveling so much.
Marc:And there's a point where you get to with planes.
Marc:If you leave early in the morning, that means there's a good chance whoever you're sitting next to or in front of has not showered because they figured they'll sleep on the plane.
Marc:They don't give a fuck.
Marc:So now you've got to deal with this weird, disgusting intimacy with strangers.
Marc:Now, the guy that was behind me, I swear to you, and I'm sitting in front of him, like...
Marc:Like that.
Marc:And no one's fucking doing anything, including me.
Marc:But what are you supposed to do?
Marc:I've never fantasized about this before in my life, but I fantasized about just punching him in the fucking face and just having that moment where I'm like, poof, and he's like, what?
Marc:I'm like, I don't know, what?
Marc:What happened?
What happened?
Marc:Why are you bleeding?
Marc:How could that happen?
Marc:You better tend to that for the next three hours of this fucking flight.
Marc:I felt bad about that.
Marc:I honestly felt bad about it.
Marc:I can't stop watching Chopped on TV.
Marc:Can someone tell me why?
Marc:How is that not the best fucking show?
Marc:I don't TiVo anything but Chopped.
Marc:And I sit there and I watch Chopped, but enough with the chocolate nibs, all right?
Marc:I mean, how many times are you going to use that ingredient?
Marc:Isn't it amazing how quickly you can hate somebody for being a chef?
Marc:When you watch Chopped, you're like, oh, fuck that guy.
Marc:There's no fucking way that guy's... And they cut it so funny because they kind of foreshadow what's going to happen.
Marc:But I've had moments.
Marc:There was a woman on there who was like a middle-aged, jappy woman who cooked French provincial food.
Marc:Do you remember who I'm talking about?
Marc:Immediately.
Marc:I don't know if it was my upbringing or what, but I'm like, fuck her.
Marc:Fuck that.
Marc:That attitude.
Marc:Like, you know, I'm just a Jap with a lot of money, and I've decided to cook French.
Marc:Like, you don't belong on this show.
Guest:Right?
Marc:Did I offend people by saying Jap?
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Did I offend my middle-aged Jewish audience people?
Marc:You watch it compulsively too?
Marc:Chop?
Marc:Not compulsively?
Marc:Like, I'm looking forward to doing that tonight.
Marc:Like, I'm sitting here wondering if we have a Chop to watch.
Marc:How many different kinds of cooking shows are they going to put on that fucking channel?
Marc:They're literally getting to the point like, cooking in midair!
Marc:We're going to drop four great chefs out of a plane with a Bunsen burner and a knife and three types of fruit to see what they come up with.
Marc:When the fuck is it going to stop?
Marc:New cooking channel stars?
Marc:Fuck them.
Marc:Fuck all of them.
Marc:Remember when it was just Emeril and everything was about BAM and that was it or whatever the fuck he said?
Marc:That was the whole cooking channel?
Marc:Now we've got to deal with a lot of stuff.
Marc:I used to do a bit about the cooking channel, how I thought it was the only pure television.
Marc:because, like, you know, you start off with, like, a series of raw ingredients, and you're moving towards something.
Marc:It's very pure.
Marc:They'd go to break, and I'd be like, I wonder what's gonna happen with those onions, you know?
Marc:And that's what kept you watching, you know what I mean?
Marc:It's like, that is gonna turn into something that I can't eat right now, but I can certainly think about it.
Marc:You're, like, jerking off with your face.
Marc:That's what you're doing when you're watching that stuff.
Marc:We have a big show.
Marc:We have a lot of great people on the show.
Marc:We've got Bob Duca on the show.
Marc:He's the...
Marc:I've run into him in two coffee shops.
Marc:He likes to see himself as the best ex-stepdad and number one divorce dad.
Marc:And he's sort of become sort of a self-help guru.
Marc:He's going to be on.
Marc:Aparna Nancharla is here.
Marc:Joe Latruglio from the state is here.
Marc:Rob Hubel is here.
Marc:Of course, Jim Earl and Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:All right, let's read an email.
Marc:Several dream emails.
Marc:There's one email that I don't know if is real or not, so I don't know if we'll include it in the show, but I'm going to read it to you because I can't fucking help myself.
Marc:Don't get creeped out by this.
Marc:All right, maybe get creeped out by it.
Marc:I get you, really.
Really.
Marc:Dear Mark, I need you to know this.
Marc:I need you to know that I hear you.
Marc:I hear your words for what they are, and I hear the space between them for what it says.
Marc:Your message is not lost.
Marc:The simpering idiots that write into you thinking this whole operation is just about, quote, gabbing with comics, unquote, make me sick.
Marc:I know the truth.
Marc:I know what you're really saying.
Marc:I need you to know that I'm ready and on board and awaiting further instruction.
LAUGHTER
Marc:If I may be so bold, I want to compliment you.
Marc:It's taken me repeated, meticulous listenings and aural viewings of your podcast to find the cues, clues, and orders.
Marc:I believe I have the full picture, though I wish there were a method of decryption, a master key, an enigma machine to ensure my success.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Still, I have committed the following cues to memory and have readied myself best I can.
Marc:I won't divulge anything here, obviously.
Marc:Too many prying machine eyes.
Marc:But suffice to say, the paralysis of indecision dies on your mark.
Marc:We're going to make them all pay.
Marc:I will wield the weapons of blood in your name.
Marc:Soon they will say, what the fuck, indeed.
Marc:Indeed.
Guest:Mary.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:If this is real, I'm speaking directly to Mary now.
Marc:If this is real, please tell me what these cues are, because I'm missing them.
Marc:And I'm not sure what I'm communicating to you, but I'm willing to meet you halfway on this.
Marc:If this isn't real, I will send you a list of the people that I need to be taken care of.
Marc:Of course, Mary will take both of those as cues if it is real.
Marc:Now, it's kind of scary, though.
Marc:What do you think, buddy?
Marc:You think it's real?
Marc:Could be.
Yeah.
Marc:The problem with that being real is that, like, I don't want to piss her off by doing this on here, because then if she decides that, like, oh, apparently Mark is the one that needs to go, then we're in trouble.
Marc:Several dream emails.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:I don't have nice body hair.
Marc:I just woke up from a dream in which you were judging my body hair in a strange kitchen.
Yeah.
Marc:It's rather unimpressive, but you seem to like the amount of hair on my ass because you started rubbing it and spanking me.
Marc:It might have gone further, but my cat woke me up for food.
Marc:I don't know if I'm thankful or saddened for that.
Marc:John.
Marc:Wait, come on, these are good.
Marc:Okay, one more.
Marc:Marc Maron, I saw you on Conan.
Marc:Hi, my name is Katie, and I think you're a great comedian.
Marc:I saw you on Conan's show a few weeks ago.
Marc:I was wondering if you were ever interested in helping me out with something related.
Marc:Technology blows when trying to communicate.
Marc:I talk to my friends online, and I miss what they say, and I just wanted to say if you ever would have coffee with me, I would fly out to LA.
Marc:I pawned my rings because I would do anything to tell Conan in person how awesome he is.
Marc:I've been watching SNL for years, Simpsons, Late Night, et cetera.
Marc:Do you know any other comedians that want coffee?
Marc:I'm not trying to get on TV or anything.
Marc:I just have a ridiculous crush.
Marc:Would you help me?
Marc:My phone number is, and she wrote it.
Marc:I know this is a long shot, but I just feel like that this is my dream and I just want to hang out next to him.
Marc:I would do anything.
Marc:Born to run by the boss is epic and I would totally wear a dog collar for Conan.
Marc:On its own, that is one of the best sentences ever.
Marc:Thank you, thank you.
Marc:I just figured out like yesterday about the beard thing and it makes me want to blow him.
Marc:I watch every episode a hundred times except the beard one because I don't know why.
Marc:Bad luck, I suppose.
Marc:I'm not a hoe.
Marc:I'm not dumb or anything.
Marc:My IQ is 129.
Marc:Thank you, Marc Maron.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:All right, let's move on.
Marc:Quickly, I was, uh, Ryan Singer, my good friend and comedian, Ryan Singer, has recently moved to Los Angeles.
Marc:And I need to have him up here quickly before I bring up Bob Duca, because Ryan is also a guy that looks for positive things in life.
Marc:And he told me some bullshit before we got here that I need to fucking be documented.
Marc:Come up here, Ryan.
Marc:That Ryan Singer, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hi, it's not bullshit.
Guest:Just tell me exactly.
Guest:It's a documented scientific case.
Marc:Just tell me exactly what you told me in the coffee shop.
Guest:As you all know, this motherfucker is in his head and he's negative, right?
Guest:So I'm trying to find some positive because sometimes you have to.
Guest:There's a scientist.
Guest:I think he was a scientist or a doctor.
Guest:It's not important.
Marc:See, now already it's vague.
Marc:It's bullshit.
Guest:All right, go ahead.
Guest:Well, no, this really happened years ago.
Guest:I don't know how many years ago.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:He took a droplet of water, he took two droplets of water, right?
Guest:And then he thought positive thoughts to one of the droplets of water, then he froze it.
Guest:And then he thought negative thoughts, like, I hate you, droplet of water, right?
Guest:And then he froze that one.
Guest:And then they examined, under a microscope or whatever it is called, what it looked like afterwards.
Guest:And the one that he thought positive thoughts was beautiful and symmetrical, right?
Guest:And the one he thought negative to was all disjointed and asymmetrical.
Guest:The water.
Guest:The water droplet, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, right?
Guest:And so then he thought, well, maybe it was just... Hold on a minute.
Guest:The water was like, ah!
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Ugly water.
Guest:I'm just trying to get this in my hair.
Guest:So then he's like, well, maybe this isn't working.
Guest:So then he labeled it, right?
Guest:Then he wrote love on one and then put it in there.
Guest:And then he wrote hate on another one and did it in the same thing, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so then he yelled at them, like, I love you, water!
Guest:I love you, water!
Guest:And then he froze it in the same results.
Guest:And our bodies are like anywhere from, what, 70% water?
Guest:So, or something like that, right?
Yeah.
Guest:You see where the science breaks down?
Guest:Anywhere from 70 to 98% water, I've heard it on good authority that our body is composed of.
Marc:Now, do you find spiritual satisfaction in that story?
Marc:That works for you?
Marc:This water fucking concept?
Marc:Like right now, fuck you!
Marc:Don't say that to the water.
Marc:What are you doing?
Marc:I just drank liquid hate.
Marc:Oh, this is going to end badly.
Marc:Right now, I'm drinking this water.
Marc:I love you, water!
Marc:Fuck you!
Marc:Don't listen to him!
Marc:Now the water is confused and I'm drinking it.
Marc:What is that going to happen?
Marc:That water will be a stand-up comedian when it's older.
Marc:Ryan Singer, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:All right, so now that we've created a theme for the show, it's my pleasure to bring out this man.
Marc:I know some of you may have been listening to his podcast.
Marc:I happen to run into him at the Bourgeois Pig and at Insomnia.
Marc:I don't know if he makes the rounds there, but as I said before, the best ex-stepdad and number one divorce dad.
Marc:Please welcome Bob Duca to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest:How are you, Mr. Duca?
Guest:Hello, Mark.
Guest:Thank you very much for having me.
Marc:Well, we had such a wonderful conversation.
Marc:Where was it, at the Bourgeois Pig or Insomnia, or was it another?
Guest:Well, I'm no longer allowed at Insomnia, so it was probably the Bourgeois Pig.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Well, what happened at Insomnia?
Guest:Well, they don't like that I try to get people to play backgammon with me at Insomnia.
Guest:What happened to your neck?
Guest:Well, I actually have a list of things that... You'll forgive my appearance.
Guest:I have many debilitating ailments.
Guest:I don't call them health problems.
Guest:I call them health opportunities.
Guest:I notice that you have blood on your sock.
Guest:Yeah, well, both of my feet.
Guest:I apologize for this.
Guest:This is embarrassing.
Guest:You see, my body does not produce an enzyme which allows me the proper growth of toenails.
Guest:So you wear several socks and they just bleed?
Guest:Just to sop it up, yeah.
Guest:Mark, before we get going, I hope this is inappropriate.
Marc:What happened to your hand?
Guest:Well, this is an injury from... Well, I suffer from puff knuckle, if you must know.
Guest:What's puff knuckle?
Guest:It's a condition.
Guest:It's a water on the knuckle.
Guest:Increase of puffanoids in the knuckle area.
Marc:Before we get... What happened to the other wrist?
Guest:Oh, somebody yanked my arm.
Marc:In a friendly way?
Guest:It didn't feel friendly.
Guest:I set up a face painting booth at an art and wine festival, which apparently you need permission to do.
Marc:Now, what's happened to your life to get you here?
Marc:I mean, what are you doing?
Guest:Well, you know, that's been a question I've been asking myself for a long time.
Guest:One of the reasons I'm a fan of your show is you seem like a person who examines their own life and comes up with miserable conclusions.
Guest:I find a kinship in that, a fellowship.
Guest:You know, I'm part of the... I became part of the mythopoetic men's movement.
Guest:I don't know if you're familiar with it.
Guest:The mythopoetic men's movement.
Guest:Yeah, pioneered by Robert Bly.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:Iron John.
Marc:Right, Iron John.
Marc:I read Iron John.
Guest:Fire in the belly.
Marc:Yeah, a lot of fire in the belly.
Marc:Yeah, I read that book many years ago, and I didn't... I had a problem with Robert Bly's vest.
Marc:He always wore this silly vest in his jacket photos, and I... Funny story.
Marc:If he didn't wear that vest, his guts would fall out.
Marc:So that's why you feel a kindred spirit with your toenail issue and some of your other issues.
Marc:Some of them, yes.
Marc:Yeah, okay.
Marc:Well, that's great.
Marc:So what are you doing now that has changed your... Now you're divorced.
Marc:I'm thrice divorced, yes.
Marc:Do you have children?
Guest:What?
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:Well, because of a condition called dusty sperm, I'm no longer...
Guest:I do not have any airs that I produce, but I am the stepfather of two very promising and very angry teenage girls, as well as a 40-year-old man.
Marc:How does that math work?
Marc:I mean, the first wife, the 40-year-old man, and then the... All right, you know, okay.
Marc:Do you get along with the daughters, stepdaughters?
Guest:They don't like me.
Guest:But, you know, that only makes me want to try harder.
Marc:And what are you doing in these coffee shops?
Marc:I know you have a podcast.
Guest:Basically, I mean, the short answer is looking for people to talk to.
Guest:The longer answer is, you know, I maintain my journals.
Guest:I...
Guest:I still haven't figured out.
Guest:A lot of people here in Los Angeles are working on screenplays, and I just... They get annoyed.
Guest:I ask about different final draft techniques and things like that.
Marc:Do you have final draft?
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:But I figure it's something that they, you know, must be knowledgeable about.
Guest:Are you writing a screenplay?
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:You just talk.
Guest:No, I see.
Guest:Another condition.
Guest:I cannot watch cinema because I think movies are real.
No.
Guest:One of the things that I've, the forms of self-help that I practice is, I believe that like gas and bad thoughts are the same in that there's more room on the outside than on the inside.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So I like to let these things out, and I like to go around and talk... You're saying like gas, like gas?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I thought it was a scientific thing, but you're actually talking about... Okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I like to, you know, like you, radical honesty.
Guest:I practice radical honesty.
Guest:And I've found that, although it can be embarrassing, I've found that many people identify with it.
Guest:And it can be a bridge to communication, to which I am very open.
Guest:I mean, I really mean that.
Guest:If anybody wants to hang out or...
Guest:We're hanging out now.
Guest:Yeah, and it's great.
Guest:It's really fantastic.
Guest:It's really, really great.
Guest:But it also, I find that it helps me.
Guest:It's a form of catharsis.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So if I could, if you would.
Guest:You've got a lot of stuff that you've written.
Guest:Well, I don't have to read it.
Guest:No, no, I want you to read it.
Guest:Quite literally, if I read everything that was wrong with me, it would take the entire show.
Guest:Oh, this is what's wrong with you.
Guest:Well, again, I don't like to use the W word.
Guest:These are some problems, opportunities that I have diagnosed myself with WebMD and with people I've met on buses.
Guest:I would just like to now just state these things.
Okay.
Guest:And as I say them, I release them.
Guest:Do I do anything?
Guest:Hmm?
Guest:Do I have a part in this at all?
Guest:Well, you can... Do you just want me to... It would be an honor if you would bear witness.
Guest:The following are just a few of the ailments from which I suffer.
Guest:Fibromyalgia.
Guest:Lockjaw.
Guest:Gout.
Guest:The vapors.
Guest:Is that even real anymore?
Guest:restless leg syndrome, thrush, colic, croup, spastic colon, irritable bowel syndrome, unreasonable sphincter,
Guest:Lou Gehrig's disease.
Guest:Lou Barlow's disease.
Guest:Lucy Lou flu.
Guest:I'm hyper-tolerant of lactose.
Guest:Sleep apnea.
Guest:Wake apnea.
Guest:Pleurisy.
Guest:Shingles.
Guest:Depression.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mania.
Guest:Eczema.
Guest:Hot tub foot.
Guest:Piles.
Guest:Dropsy.
Guest:Joanie loves chachi.
Guest:leaky gut syndrome, dirt belly, bone worm, bronchial asthma, trichinosis, dengue fever, yellow fever, Justin Bieber fever.
Guest:Type Wilford Brimley diabetes.
Guest:Amoebic dysentery.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Halle Berry ptosis.
Guest:Masturbation-induced seizures.
Guest:Receding hair lip.
Guest:I'm in remission for a widespread panic disorder.
Guest:Dickie Betts Tourette's.
Guest:Asperger's.
Guest:Cheeseburgers.
Guest:Frequent shard attacks.
Guest:Scabies.
Guest:Rabies.
Guest:Mickey Rooney's sugar babies.
Guest:Selective albinism.
Guest:Canine-derived hip dysplasia.
Guest:Anglo-centric sickle cell anemia.
Guest:And I'm a chocoholic.
Guest:Mark, I don't know if this is appropriate, but do you think it would be okay if I got Mary's number from you?
Guest:Sure, you can have Mary or Katie's number.
Guest:Katie didn't sound half as passionate as Mary.
Marc:Now, I don't want to be a buzzkill in any way, but... Not possible.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Some of those elements seem almost like pirate elements.
Marc:They're what?
Marc:Like medieval.
Marc:I mean, are you... Yeah.
Marc:Are you hypochondriac?
Guest:Well, I'm waiting for the results for that.
Guest:It's very expensive.
Okay.
Guest:So people can hear you every day.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I have a short podcast called Affirmation Nation, in which I share thoughts.
Guest:I do product reviews.
Guest:I read poems.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:What's your favorite affirmation?
Marc:What do you say to yourself every morning to start?
Marc:Forgive yourself.
Marc:Bob Duca, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Marc:My next guest is a comedian who I recently moved here from D.C.
Marc:and she's very funny.
Marc:Please welcome Aparna Nancharla.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:I just stood up.
Marc:Now, Bob, is there anything you're going to give her?
Marc:Oh.
Marc:I mean, disease-wise?
Marc:I mean, Jesus, any of this stuff can take you?
Marc:I make no promises.
Guest:I already have a cold.
Guest:I should preface.
Guest:Uh-oh.
Guest:So I can only go from there.
Guest:I haven't had an immune system for seven years.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Got it.
Guest:So I can safely say I have your cold, too.
Guest:But I do feel that illness is a form of communication, so it's nice to meet you.
Guest:Me, too.
Marc:That's sweet.
Marc:That's sweet.
Marc:Didn't you always want to meet someone like Bob in Hollywood?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So you've been here a year?
Guest:Yeah, well about.
Guest:I moved here in October.
Marc:From D.C.?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And how's it going out here?
Guest:It's good.
Guest:I've been making the rounds, shaking some hands.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:Have you had any... Okay, I'm going to get right to it, because we talked before.
Marc:Your family's Indian, correct?
Guest:Yeah, I get that a lot.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I mean, the reason I ask is I don't have an opportunity to speak to people that are from the Indian culture that often, and I'm sort of obsessed with India, but I don't know fucking anything about it.
Guest:Okay, well, I'm like one step ahead of you, but not far.
Guest:It's hard when you're from, like, another country, because you automatically become an ambassador for everyone.
Guest:All right, so I'm an idiot.
Guest:If you don't know anything.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I'll teach you some things.
Marc:Basic stuff?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like, can I go there and not get sick?
Guest:No.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Bob would probably be dead.
Guest:I wish you'd just stop talking about it.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Okay.
Marc:No, because I want to go so bad, but every time I talk to somebody about going, they're like, it's great once you get through the diarrhea.
Marc:Like, you know, you're going to have a great time, but you probably have diarrhea for three weeks.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:It's a rite of passage through your intestines.
Guest:Do you go there?
Guest:I found that after the third week, you just get used to it.
Guest:You do.
Guest:You acclimate.
Marc:But do you travel there?
Marc:No.
Guest:Yeah, I used to go like every two years when I was a kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just to hang out with relatives.
Marc:What part?
Guest:South India.
Guest:Sort of South Central India.
Guest:It is.
Guest:It's bad?
Guest:It's the easiest way to say it.
Guest:There's a lot of bad parts of India.
Guest:It's hard to localize it.
Guest:But a lot of good parts, too.
Guest:You didn't come out here to bash my culture.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, I mean, that's what everybody thinks, though, when they hear about it, that it's just like massive poverty and people upon people upon people and they throw dead people in the water.
Guest:That's what they tell you to go there.
Guest:But then when you get there, you realize, hey, that's the McDonald's.
Guest:I've seen that before.
Guest:This isn't as great as I thought.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So how long is your family's first generation then?
Guest:My parents came over from there.
Guest:They're both doctors, so that's a well of material.
Guest:No, actually, I did bring this one thing.
Guest:My one thing about being Indian is when I started comedy, this is my first experience.
Guest:After I'd been doing comedy about maybe two or three months, someone emailed me some jokes that they were like, you should tell these.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, they were unsolicited.
Guest:No, they were like, I've never seen anyone like you before.
Guest:And this is what they said.
Guest:I quote, when I saw you, jokes started flowing from my head.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:That's pretty.
Guest:Yeah, flowing.
Guest:This is one of his jokes he gave me.
Guest:My uncle, aunt, and my ten cousins all died from starvation last week in India.
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:The good news is that they left me the family cow in their will.
Guest:I think it's more of a premise.
Guest:There's a lot to develop there in that country.
Guest:Here's another.
Guest:This one's actually my favorite, if I had to pick one.
Guest:Indian stereotypes almost got me killed.
Guest:Yeah, I had a sniper stalking me for six months, but nobody said anything because they thought the red dot on my forehead was supposed to be there.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, that shows a little bit of cleverness.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Marc:Because, you know, there's, yeah, I mean, that was actually creative for a racist lunatic that decided to email you.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Now, how much of that do you talk about on stage, though?
Marc:Do you feel like pigeonholed like that?
Guest:Is there, like, when you go out for roles and stuff, are they like, be Indian?
Guest:Yeah, I think people put it on you, but I don't actually tell a lot of material that's cultural, which sometimes gets you in trouble, because Indian people will be like, come do our cultural event.
Guest:Then they'll be like, I don't think I'm what you want.
Guest:And then they'll be like, no, it's fine.
Guest:And then I'll go do it.
Guest:And they'll be like, oh, why didn't you tell us?
Guest:And we'll be like, I tried.
Guest:Lost in translation.
Guest:You don't address it at all?
Guest:I mean, I talk like I have like a joke about my parents and they'll see me reaching and they'll be like, come on, come on.
Guest:You can do it.
Guest:But that's like the farthest I go.
Guest:And it's like so many jokes about like curry and, you know, there's a whole world I haven't explored.
Guest:People get mad.
Marc:It's sort of interesting that the community that you come from culturally wants you to identify with them, and then, you know, when you don't, you're kind of spat out.
Marc:You're marginalized.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So there's actually a pressure to... It's almost reverse... Is it reverse racism, or would it be racism that what is expected out of you is for you to be a stereotype?
Guest:I think it's just good old racism.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Do you find yourself actively fighting that?
Marc:I just did the shitty thing, and I'm like, I need to know about India.
Marc:Because I've had this problem before.
Marc:I like Indian food, and I used to get into cabs in New York.
Marc:This is real.
Marc:It's not made up.
Marc:There are several Indians who drive.
Marc:And I said, I want to go to India.
Marc:And they go, why?
Marc:And I go, because I really like the breads.
Marc:And that's all I have to go on.
Marc:I mean, that's really what's driving me.
Marc:And also, it just seems so colorful.
Marc:And I feel so American and stupid because I don't know a lot about the culture.
Marc:But I fucking want to go there.
Marc:I just don't want to get diarrhea for three weeks.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I feel like you can go.
Marc:I guess what I'm asking you, am I being racist?
Guest:I mean, everyone's a little racist, right?
Guest:No kidding, right?
Guest:Like, that's how you make friends.
Guest:Like, you're like, where do we hate the same things?
Guest:And friendship blooms from there.
Guest:But, like, I think you can't help, like, being really into a culture.
Guest:Like, I know, like, people who are, like, white people are really into Indian culture and, like,
Guest:It's genuine, but there are some Indian people who are like, well, you're not Indian.
Guest:What's your deal?
Guest:Do you have to have every culture?
Guest:Leave us alone.
Guest:So I think there's that line where it's unavoidable to hurt feelings.
Marc:When you go out on auditions and stuff, do they do that?
Marc:Do they pigeonhole you?
Guest:I haven't done a ton of auditioning, but everyone's like, oh, you're castable.
Guest:You're in right now.
Guest:Wow, what did I do?
Guest:Hello, Hollywood.
Guest:We need you to play the Indian girl.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They're like, is that a stretch for you?
Guest:I'm like, no, I think I can do it.
Guest:I'll just method act.
Marc:So what kind of doctor is your dad's?
Guest:He's an anesthesiologist.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:And your mom's a doctor, too?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What kind of doctor?
Guest:Endocrinologist.
Marc:That's a nervous system?
Guest:Glands.
Guest:Glands.
Guest:Diabetes.
Guest:Oh, huh?
Guest:Bob?
Guest:Yeah, I'd like to meet her.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:I have a question just to back.
Guest:I want to be clear.
Guest:You said that saying racist things can be a way to make new friends?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Write it down.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Write it down.
Marc:Let me ask you a question then.
Marc:This is a personal question.
Marc:I grew up, my dad was a doctor.
Marc:Now, are you a hypochondriac?
Marc:Because when I grew up, I constantly thought I was dying.
Marc:That's why I can relate to Bob.
Marc:But I thought it was a way I could get attention.
Yeah.
Guest:No, I had the opposite problem.
Guest:Like, if we were really sick, but my mom would be like, well, someone died this morning, so just suck it up.
Guest:Tough love.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's like, how are you supposed to argue with that?
Guest:You should be like, well, I'm still breathing.
Guest:My argument is... Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It just falls apart.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How many siblings you got?
Guest:Just one older sister.
Guest:Yeah, what does she do?
Guest:She's like a social, like a community organizer, public health advocate.
Guest:Oh, so she helps people.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you're the selfish one.
Guest:Yeah, well, we both went into careers that don't make a lot of money.
Guest:So in that way, we're both selfish.
Guest:In the Indian community, if you don't make money, it's like you're a disappointment to your people on some level.
Guest:Like I'm blowing it up a little bit.
Marc:What do you got coming up?
Guest:Um, what do I have?
Guest:I have a show at the Improv next week.
Marc:That's good.
Guest:Isn't that great?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Give it up for me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Aparna.
Guest:Yay.
Guest:Mancharla.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:All right, let's move down, shall we?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You all right there, Bob?
Marc:Is it going to be a project every time you move down?
Guest:Well, I mean, it's a little bit hard.
Guest:I have a question, Aparna.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:This might be more your mom's question.
Guest:What's your favorite gland?
Guest:Oh, I would have to go with the pituitary.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:Controls your hormones.
Guest:Barely.
Guest:That was very, that was good.
Guest:That was good, Bob.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Can I have a ride home?
Marc:All right, my next guest in a series of attempts for me to get every member of the state on this show, Joe Lotruglio.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:Hi, Joe.
Marc:Thank you for having me here.
Marc:It's very nice to see you.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:Did you finish your tecate?
Marc:I did.
Guest:And how was that?
Guest:It was delicious.
Guest:It relaxed me a little bit.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Were you nervous?
Marc:I was.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yes, of course.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:What?
Guest:Are you not used to... No, I'm used to this, but you know the history with you and the state, and so I was a little nervous.
Guest:all right so fuck that all right so i but you were not a guy that had a problem with you weren't because actually it's funny uh like in 97 i was here for pilot season and went to a party uh uh you we were at uh where david cross used to live on franklin right there with great that's that's how you pronounce it yeah and i i pronounce it wrong and i came in and the first thing you said like hey it's one of the nice guys from the state
Guest:I didn't have any problem with you.
Guest:You were like the happy guy.
Guest:I was the happy guy, but that Irish-Italian part of me was like, these are my friends.
Guest:I always had that feeling of sticking up for them.
Marc:I never got that sense.
Marc:You guys are like the full range of the Comedia dell'arte, and you're like the funny clown.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Yes, I'll take that.
Guest:I'll take that.
Marc:No, it's true.
Marc:You're the funny guy.
Marc:Those other guys are heavy hearted and fucked up.
Marc:You know, they have their darkness.
Guest:They have their darkness.
Marc:I had to get the electricity fixed after Showalter was in my garage.
Marc:That's how dark.
Marc:He sucked the energy out of my room.
Marc:You guys had a very intelligent conversation.
Marc:I never thought I would talk about semiotics again.
Marc:But he has that vibe.
Marc:I mean, he's really like a college professor.
Guest:He is.
Guest:He was the first guy that I met.
Marc:In the state?
Guest:In the state, yeah.
Marc:So what was your relationship with him?
Marc:Because I got a Kevin Allison story that has to do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My relationship with Mike was that he lived across the dorm.
Guest:He was the dorm right across the hall from me.
Guest:And I didn't want to really be in a sketch group.
Guest:I was kind of a serious guy.
Guest:I wanted to just do movies.
Guest:And I was the next, like...
Guest:De Niro, I thought, you know.
Guest:That was your plan in college?
Guest:Yeah, I was like, I'm going to the film department.
Guest:Screw Adler and Strasburg.
Guest:I'm going to do it my way.
Guest:And Mike was like, there's this sketch group called So Yak, let's go audition.
Guest:I'm like, no.
Guest:And he basically dragged me there.
Guest:And I owe it to him that I'm in the state, really.
Marc:Kevin Allison was on the live WTF.
Marc:And he said the reason that he wanted to be in the state was that you were so fucking hot.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He said that like he... I love it.
Marc:He said that when he saw you, he was like, I want a piece of that ass.
Marc:I want to take it.
Guest:I'd take it.
Guest:You didn't know that?
Guest:I didn't know that.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:He...
Guest:You know, that's not true.
Guest:He might have mentioned to me, and I forgot.
Guest:Not then.
Guest:Certainly not then.
Guest:Like, later, down the line, he might have said, you know, I had a crush on you.
Guest:I didn't think of it.
Guest:But I didn't know that was the reason he joined the state.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Like, we were in... I was in the film department with Mike Jan, who was also in the state, and Kevin Allison.
Guest:We were all on, like, this film crew team.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Kevin...
Guest:told me that he ended up taking classes to be with Mike Jan and me, but he didn't tell me it was really to get on my ass.
Guest:That's fantastic.
Marc:He was very forthcoming.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And what about the other guys?
Marc:What's the other guy's name that I haven't had on yet?
Guest:Well, Todd Hollebeck, who founded the group.
Guest:I tried to contact Hollebeck.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's doing a lot of art now.
Guest:He's an art curator.
Guest:But if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have the group.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, he started, he kind of broke off from the Sterliac and ended up doing what was called then the new group.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I called Todd Hollaback in order to, I wanted him to do a bit where he played the bitter member of the state because I was going to put it at the end of the David Wayne episode.
Guest:Wait, so he was Troy?
Guest:You're not going to tell.
Marc:What?
Guest:Troy, at the end of David Wayne.
Marc:Right, Troy.
Marc:He was going to be Troy.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Got it.
Marc:But I wanted him to do it as himself, or play Troy.
Marc:Because I said that David Wayne was on, and he said some stuff.
Marc:And Holbeck wrote back, he's like, what did David Wayne say?
Marc:It became sort of heated and weird.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Yeah, he cut me out of the loop.
Marc:Well, there might be some residual stuff.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Come on, give us some dirt, man.
Guest:One time, I thought about this, because I knew this would make him... One time, David Wayne punched Camarino in the back.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Hard.
Guest:Punched him in the back?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, here's... That's like not even a real fight thing.
Guest:That's like, eh.
Guest:Well, this is what I'm saying.
Guest:Like every, you know, you know David Wayne.
Guest:I do know David Wayne.
Guest:And you can imagine, like, if you were to wake someone who was in a coma for like 10 months and ask them to throw a ball, they would probably do it better than like David Wayne would throw a punch.
Guest:And so it was like, when I say punching, to Ken, it was really about, it wasn't even a creative disagreement.
Guest:It was, I think Ken called shotgun and David wanted it.
Guest:It was like, we weren't even shooting anything.
Guest:We were like going to like, you know, to Ken's.
Guest:Parents' place in Pennsylvania to go camping or something, and David wanted shotgun, and Ken took it.
Guest:Where'd you grow up?
Guest:I grew up down in Florida, Marquette, Florida, in South Florida, kind of near Pompano Beach.
Guest:Do you still have family there?
Guest:My parents are now in Delray Beach.
Guest:Florida is so fucking weird.
Guest:That's where they collect all the parents.
Marc:Yeah, but there's a weirder collection of people down there.
Marc:I mean, Florida is a fucking freak show.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:My mother lives down there.
Marc:She's not part of it.
Marc:Serial killers live down there.
Marc:I used to say that it's like as far away the people can run without entering the water.
Marc:Like I...
Marc:Right.
Marc:Like, I've always thought of Florida as a place where people are at the end of their lives or at the end of their rope.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like, they're just a... Like, you used to get sort of stereotyped as, like, old people, but now there's this weird mix of old people and then every type of Latino culture and hillbillies and then just kind of... And lots of street... Strip malls and... It's so densely populated.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I've grown to really like it.
Guest:I can visit it now.
Guest:I can go down there and visit my parents and enjoy it.
Guest:But I was glad to get out when I did.
Guest:Well, it's lucky you got out.
Guest:I survived South Florida.
Marc:And you went to New York?
Guest:I went to New York and went to NYU, and that's where I met all those guys.
Marc:And you show up in all the movies.
Marc:You're in all the funny movies.
Guest:And I pop up in movies.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You pop up wearing beards sometimes.
Marc:Beards.
Guest:Well, my girlfriend teases me about it all the time.
Guest:My school of acting involves just changing the facial hair a little bit.
Guest:Whether it's a big handlebar for Reno or whether it's a beard for Roll.
Guest:I just change up the facial hair.
Marc:And are you guys all still friends?
Marc:Do you still talk to Tom and Ben?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:I keep searching for bitterness in one of you.
Guest:Well, no, there's no bitterness now, but I'm still competitive.
Guest:There's always a part of me that's always competitive.
Guest:I'll speak for myself.
Guest:Everyone is doing very well, but you're always comparing yourself.
Guest:I'm always comparing myself still to this day.
Marc:To who?
Guest:To everyone.
Guest:Not just people in the state.
Guest:That's the drawback sometimes.
Marc:So it's not unusual for you to perhaps do an improv like this at home upon hearing about another member of the state's success where you maybe put on a mustache and say, fuck him.
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that's right.
Guest:This guy asshole wore a beard.
Guest:I'm going to make mine a gray beard.
Guest:I have a good story about that.
Guest:My worst nightmare at an audition happened.
Guest:I was auditioning for this movie, Beer League.
Guest:And at the time, I hadn't really gotten any other movies, maybe one outside the state or working with friends.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I'm slating my name, and I say, you know, the camera's running.
Guest:And I'm Joe LaCulio, and she says, so you were in the state?
Guest:I'm like, yeah, I was in the state.
Guest:She's like, so how does it feel?
Guest:Like, all your other state members are doing so well.
Guest:Like, the Reno, literally.
Guest:And this is at the peak of my, like, what the hell am I doing?
Guest:Like, everyone seems to be doing something.
Guest:And I'm like, I don't know.
Guest:I guess I'm just trying to get a job with you, you know?
Guest:And she's like, okay, well, let's get right into it.
Guest:Let's get right into the scene.
Guest:I'm furious.
Guest:I'm like, I can't fucking believe this.
Guest:I'm not showing any emotion.
Guest:And I've got to be funny.
Guest:I just want to rip her throat out.
Guest:And I got through it, and she had told me, don't improv anything.
Guest:Don't ad-lib.
Guest:The writers are very strict.
Guest:They want their words to be spoken.
Marc:Beer league is important, too.
Guest:Yeah, well, and Frank Sebastiano is great and already like, they don't give a shit, right?
Guest:So I don't give a shit.
Guest:So I just start improv-ing and she's not happy.
Guest:And I'm like, well, that's that.
Guest:I'll see you later.
Guest:And then, you know, I ended up getting the role.
Guest:So it was a good story.
Marc:So you used the bitterness.
Guest:Yeah, I used the bitterness.
Marc:That was your De Niro moment.
Guest:Yeah, that was it.
Guest:That's as close as I got.
Guest:Use it.
Guest:Use the emotion.
Guest:Now, do you go out on auditions a lot?
Marc:I mean,
Guest:uh yes i still do yeah i still do i uh don't you fucking hate it i hate it i i had another you show up at an audition there's nine other guys who look exactly like you it's the worst i had a terrible pilot uh audition uh luckily i i'm working i'm doing a show i'm very excited about that but what show it's called free agents yeah it's on nbc it's with hank azaria i'm very excited about that what's that about
Guest:It's about a corporate PR firm.
Guest:It's like a workplace comedy.
Guest:And you have a regular part?
Guest:I have a regular part.
Guest:I play like an oddball security guard.
Guest:Surprise, surprise.
Guest:And I'm thrilled.
Guest:I'm thrilled with it.
Guest:And I play like a guy that hangs out.
Guest:And, and, um, collects, collects facial.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I've got, well, it's, it's the mustache.
Guest:It's just, it's like a half mustache goes right over the upper lip there.
Guest:It's not the full one.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Um, but I'll say that they requested that.
Guest:That wasn't my idea.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So, um, but I had one of those experiences where you get, uh, an audition and they say, listen, play it very real.
Guest:You know, uh, don't go big, don't go broad.
Guest:I'm like, okay, I can do that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I go there, and I'm sitting outside the waiting room, and they're just screaming.
Guest:The actors inside are screaming at the top of their lungs, the jokes.
Guest:And I'm like, well, this is great.
Guest:I think I have a shot at this.
Guest:I go in, I take the notes, and...
Guest:Thank you very much for coming.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:One scene.
Guest:You know, you work on like three scenes and they do one.
Guest:And I ended up going home, punching the roof of my car.
Guest:We're like, fuck TV and fuck this shit.
Guest:Bullshit.
Guest:And I'm like, not auditioning again for pilot.
Guest:Fuck this.
Guest:I'll just be that guy in movies.
Guest:I'm happy with that guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I really am.
Guest:Truly.
Guest:And I'm like, fuck that.
Guest:And so, you know, luckily, like three, two months later, having someone say, listen, we just go in for this part.
Guest:It was for free agents.
Guest:And I did it and I got it.
Guest:And so, you know, there's a success story.
Guest:It was a success story.
Guest:But I felt like I had to really go at it and get angry and pissed off and say, fuck it, I'm not going out until I was able to come to that place.
Marc:Well, I'm glad you got there, because I did an audition once years ago where I got my first network callback, and this was back maybe 15, 20 years ago already.
Marc:And it was for some behind-the-scenes, Wary Sanderson at a music video network.
Marc:And I was to play the director guy or something, and this guy had a little bit of an anger problem.
Marc:So I'm going into the room where the executives are.
Marc:This is just a bunch of fucking executives in an office.
Marc:And they're all sitting there at a table.
Marc:And the woman who's casting says, just be angry.
Marc:And I'm like, I can fucking do that.
Marc:Yeah, that's your thing.
Marc:It's my wheelhouse.
Marc:And she's...
Marc:But she said that to me, too.
Marc:She said, no, really let it go.
Marc:And I had no way.
Marc:I wasn't an actor, but I knew how to let go of my anger, right?
Marc:So I barely got the script, and I swear to God, my entire childhood came out of me.
Marc:It was like a hurricane.
Marc:I stood in front of these... I don't even know what the scene was, but I do remember that I was standing and going...
Marc:You fucking don't understand!
Marc:God damn!
Marc:Like, the anger was so far fucking over the top that literally one of them looked frightened.
Marc:Like, looked frightened.
Marc:You did your job.
Marc:You did what they asked for.
Marc:I finished the thing, and I thought, like, huh?
Marc:Right?
Marc:And I'd never seen a more baffled bunch of fucking suits in my life.
Marc:They were literally like, what just fucking happened?
Marc:Why did you let him in here?
Marc:And I left thinking, like, I really fucking nailed it.
Marc:Gave them what they asked for.
Marc:Yeah, but it's taken me a long time to realize that you have to temper that shit.
Guest:There's real anger and then TV anger.
Marc:Right.
Marc:When somebody says, just be angry, they don't want you to look like you're being taken away on cops.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:It's not the type of intensity where you should have handcuffs on.
Marc:What a fucking... Don't get an aneurysm.
Marc:What an embarrassment.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What a... Fuck them.
Marc:Fuck them.
Marc:I just... I can't... Like, I never go out on auditions.
Marc:I can't hang my hopes on that shit anymore.
Marc:It just doesn't happen.
Guest:But now... But you did it your own way now, which is... You must feel pretty good about that.
Guest:Like, now you've got your show.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Well, you know, you're doing a pilot.
Marc:I mean, this show, of course, but... Yeah, well, you know, we'll see what happens, but I mean, it's just... Like, I don't know... Like, all of a sudden, like, I feel like I need to express this now.
Marc:I feel like... Yeah.
Marc:I don't know how I'm going to remove... What I've really got to work hard on is that, okay, so this show is good.
Marc:I love doing this show.
Marc:And I might get some opportunities because of this show.
Marc:But because I've done it my way, all of a sudden I'm feeling that fucking resentment towards the people.
Marc:Now I'm supposed to pretend like I like everybody?
Marc:These people that have marginalized me for my entire fucking career, I'm supposed to be like, huh?
Marc:Worked out.
Marc:Not like, huh?
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:There's such a fine line.
Marc:Why am I bringing this up right now?
Marc:Because I asked.
Marc:Because I asked.
Marc:Just go with it, Mark.
Marc:Right, Bob?
Guest:Let it out.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:There's that moment where you're dealing with people that you've been sort of in the community with all this time who you deeply... I can't let go of fucking resentments, Bob.
Guest:I mean, how do you fucking... Well, your biggest responsibility is to yourself, Mark.
Marc:Yeah, but then I'll end up alone without a job.
Marc:Do you understand?
Guest:Well, we can hang out.
Marc:Are you a backgammon player?
Marc:I used to play with my dad.
Marc:I'm white.
Marc:Everything's going to be okay, Joe.
Marc:It's going to be all right.
Marc:No, I feel pretty good about it.
Guest:Because honestly, you know, this show is amazing.
Marc:No, I feel great about this show, and I don't want to make it about me, but there's part of me that's sort of... Like, there are those moments where you realize, hey, you know what?
Marc:I'm 47 years old.
Marc:I don't know what the fuck is going to happen.
Marc:I just... And I just want to leave and sit down somewhere.
Marc:You know what?
Guest:I think if you would have freeze this water, it'd be a gorgeous crystal right now.
Guest:Being into what you just did just now.
Guest:Gorgeous crystal.
Guest:How long have I fucking known you?
Guest:About 20 years.
Guest:We actually, I don't know if I should bring this up.
Guest:Of course you should.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We had another interlude after Luna about five years ago.
Guest:At that bar by my house?
Guest:Was that you?
Guest:You do remember that?
Guest:I don't remember what happened.
Guest:Well, my girlfriend was friends with someone who was very good friends with your ex.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And we all went, I think it was in Eagle Rock?
Guest:God damn it, Joe!
Guest:I blew it!
Guest:and no and we were and this was at a time where we hadn't this is like oh that's right it was right on colorado yeah and we couldn't hide the fact that neither one of us were doing anything that's right yeah that's right but i was also nervous because of the history and i'm like oh no is you know we're going to talk about and this we had a great conversation because you were like this is this is why i had the issue with the group and then i understood and i felt like we had made right like a headway
Marc:yeah we made headway yeah but i remember the reason we bonded was we had no fucking idea what was going to happen with us yes and then we just sat there we never said that but it was understood very true that we're both desperate and we're pretending desperately not to be desperate yes we're pretending like things are going to be okay yeah yeah and we remember those days back in the day but now but now we got this we got this yeah yeah we're out here it was total like they were talking we just kind of like locked in locked in like we're going to be
Guest:We're going to be okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We literally, we're going to be all right.
Guest:Yeah, I remember that.
Marc:We got past all the other bullshit.
Marc:We're like, you know what?
Marc:It's fine.
Marc:We weren't even drinking.
Marc:I just saw that look in your eye.
Marc:There's a look you start to notice in Hollywood.
Marc:It's like some people can act confident despite the fact that nothing is going on for them.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But then there are other people that have all of that going on except for that little tinge of like, help me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Just say something.
Marc:Say something positive.
Marc:Yeah, you can feel it.
Marc:They haven't completely killed their neediness yet.
Marc:And you had that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, it was not a good moment.
Guest:But we fucking were there for each other, right?
Guest:Yeah, we were.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Marc:Joe Latruglio.
Guest:Thanks for having me, Mark.
Marc:All right.
Marc:This next guy, I've always been sort of intimidated by him.
Marc:And I know he's funny, but he's like a dude kind of big.
Marc:He's like big.
Marc:And he's the third member of Human Giant that I finally got that under control.
Marc:There's only fucking three.
Marc:Rob Hubel, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Are we going to stand up?
Marc:No, we can do whatever you want.
Guest:I'm ready to fucking riff.
Guest:Let's stand up.
Guest:Would you like a jock guy?
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:No.
Guest:Did you really say that you were intimidated by me?
Guest:That's retarded.
Guest:Joe and I were talking on the way out here.
Guest:I was like, man.
Guest:We were nervous.
Guest:I've never done this show before.
Guest:He's going to fucking rip me apart.
Guest:He's going to take me out.
Guest:He's going to start asking me about my childhood and my parents' divorce.
Guest:I'm going to shit my pants.
Guest:Wait, so what happened when your parents had divorced?
Guest:I almost took the bait on that.
Guest:Are your parents divorced?
Guest:I'm not going to talk about that.
Guest:All right, all right, all right.
Guest:Who wants to catch it twice?
Guest:No, this is different.
Guest:This is a live WTF.
Guest:What's good, too, is that I don't have a history with you, so we don't have beef.
Marc:No, we don't.
Marc:To the point where I'm like, when I wanted to have you on, I'm like, well, I don't resent him, really.
Marc:I don't fucking know him, really.
Guest:It would probably be more interesting for the audience if you did resent me and if we had somehow gotten into some sort of feud somewhere.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I'm running out of people that I resent.
Guest:I have no resentment against Aparna.
Guest:Joe is a very pleasant guy.
Guest:Bob Duca, I resent the fact... I meant to tell you, your car just got towed, Bob Duca.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:Was it the one with all the disability plates?
Guest:You know, I'm legally allowed to park inside any building.
Guest:I wish.
Guest:Inside the building?
Guest:I have that many plates, yeah.
Guest:You know, I don't mind if you resent me.
Guest:I'm just happy for the attention.
Guest:All right, Rob.
Guest:But you and I don't really... I've known you for a long time, but I was not on your radar for years and years.
Guest:But I was telling you before that I think I moved to New York in like 95 or 96.
Guest:I was one of those people that just wanted...
Guest:desperately to like get into comedy but like was terrified to do it didn't know how to do it and whatever you were gonna do stand-up I wanted to just do something but I didn't know I was so scared to do stand-up and so I would go religiously to to to rebar which is where pre-luna lounge where everyone sat in the floor in that ridiculous place yeah and it was always like you and like Louis C.K.
Guest:and Todd Berry and Sarah and I would just like sit there just be like fuck how are they doing that
Guest:It was really cool.
Guest:But that was really inspiring to me.
Guest:And I just wanted to somehow be a part of that world.
Guest:And then just sort of by sheer happenstance a few years later, I guess UCB sort of started up in New York.
Guest:And so I was able to kind of get in that sort of early on.
Guest:But that sort of changed my whole life.
Guest:But yeah, I didn't know you for a long time.
Guest:You were always just like the guy that would just fucking obliterate people in the audience.
Guest:Like someone would be like,
Guest:Fuck you, man.
Guest:And he'd be like, what did you fucking say?
Guest:You piece of shit.
Guest:Stand up.
Guest:Turn the lights on.
Guest:Turn the lights on.
Guest:Everybody else leave.
Guest:What did you fucking say to me?
Guest:and just like destroy them.
Marc:And then say, all right, everyone come back in.
Marc:We're done.
Marc:He's crying.
Marc:That happened in Canada.
Marc:I can do crowd work if I have to.
Marc:And some guy showed his ass in Canada.
Marc:No way.
Marc:I got into a heckle thing with a guy.
Marc:We were going at it.
Marc:He showed his ass.
Marc:It was like the last recourse of a sad heckler.
Marc:Like, I completely obliterated this guy, and it was funny, and I, you know, I just, he wasn't angry.
Marc:He was sort of a sad drunk.
Marc:You know, there are these drunks that they start angry, but within the same sentence become pathetic.
Guest:Like, no, fuck you.
Marc:Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Marc:I don't know what happened, you asshole.
Marc:I'm an idiot.
Marc:I'm an idiot.
Marc:So he was sort of one of those guys.
Marc:We went at it for like 10 minutes.
Marc:I thought it was done.
Marc:Then I hear the whole audience go, what?
Marc:And I'm like, what's going on?
Marc:I put my hand up over a light and there's like a couch and there's a second level of seats and there's just an ass hanging over it.
Marc:Just hanging over it right there.
Marc:What do you do with that?
Marc:But the amazing thing is that they did not remove him from the club.
Marc:What?
Guest:At some point you would think... What do you have to do to get kicked out of a club in Canada?
Guest:In Canada, I think nothing.
Guest:There's nothing... He would have had to have actually shit from his butt.
Guest:Okay, now that is it.
Marc:Now you're out.
Marc:Clean that up first.
Marc:Then it stopped the show.
Marc:So you decided against stand-up because...
Guest:Well, I don't know.
Guest:Well, I mean, just I mean, I sort of do like my version of stand up now, but it's not like I wouldn't say it's like tradition.
Guest:I do more like bits and stuff like that.
Guest:And I mean, I pretty much film pieces just short films, videos, viral videos.
Guest:No, but I'm.
Guest:But I think I do my version of stuff.
Guest:But stand-up to me, I just wanted to do something that seemed different.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:There was a rhythm to stand-up that I couldn't get into.
Guest:And I think at the time, too, there were so many people that were doing stand-up.
Guest:And it was all on TV.
Guest:Remember how Comedy Central used to just show like...
Guest:So much stand-up.
Guest:Do you remember?
Guest:I was part of it.
Guest:I was one of those people.
Guest:I didn't feel like I could do anything new or different in that.
Guest:And then plus, improvising, frankly, was just less scary.
Guest:Because I remember when I got into that, I was like, well, as long as I'm not the shittiest person doing this, I'll keep doing it.
Guest:And so then gradually, I was just like,
Guest:all right, yeah, that blind guy is worse than me, you know?
Guest:And so I would just kind of keep doing it, and it gradually got better.
Guest:But then, you know, you get confidence on stage, and then, so little by little, I started doing just characters and bits and stuff.
Marc:See, I'm petrified of doing characters.
Marc:I mean, I look at you guys, and I don't... It's taken me so long to figure out who I am that if I can just hang on to that, I'm good.
Guest:But the idea of doing a character, it just freaks me the fuck out.
Guest:You don't want to travel around with like a small suitcase of wigs and mustaches and stuff like that?
Guest:I would fucking, I would pay so much money to see you in a wig and like a fake beard.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Like a robe.
Guest:God, that'd be interesting.
Guest:Very specific.
Guest:Doing like a funny, yeah.
Guest:That is kind of specific.
Guest:What else?
Guest:What else?
Guest:Some incense burning?
Guest:Talking like a lady.
Guest:You got some champagne open?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:Do you guys remember Mork and Mindy?
Guest:Sure, Bob.
Guest:Mark kind of reminds me of that guy in a robe that Mork befriended.
Guest:Which guy?
Guest:Does anybody know what I'm talking about?
Guest:No, they're all under 50.
Guest:No one here... What?
Guest:How about your show of shows?
Guest:Does anybody remember that?
Guest:No one knows that.
Guest:When things were rotten?
Guest:No, Duca.
Guest:No?
Guest:Yeah, well, now teach me, like, can you guys... All right, basic improv.
Guest:I don't want to talk about improv.
Guest:I mean, I don't want to squash your question, but I think it's lame.
Guest:It's embarrassing.
Guest:When I hear myself talk about improv, like, my dick just goes... Not that my dick was hard before.
Guest:I made myself super hard.
Guest:Constantly hard.
Guest:I want to keep my boner, so I just don't want to...
Guest:But, you know, like talking about stand-up, like analyzing stand-up.
Guest:No, I know what you mean.
Guest:I know, and I know that I can improv.
Guest:I guess, like, now that I've over... You're improvising right now.
Guest:All it is is just keeping the conversation going.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, it comes and goes.
Marc:But I, you know, I did sing on this show, and I think that I need to do some long-form improv now.
Marc:Not right now, but I think that would... No, I think there's an obstacle that I have in my life that I'd like to do some long-form improv.
Guest:Banana.
Banana.
Guest:Your suggestion is banana.
Guest:That's your suggestion.
Guest:What?
Guest:Banana.
Guest:Just do a scene about a banana.
Guest:He called it.
Guest:He suggested it.
Guest:You should just do it.
Guest:I'm not ready to do this.
Guest:Is this the scene?
Guest:No.
Guest:Are you doing it?
Guest:You're not doing it.
Marc:I'm thinking about it.
Marc:A frying pan.
A frying pan.
Guest:So why are you supposed to just be like, oh, he wants some eggs?
Guest:I saw it.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:I saw that.
Guest:You saw it, right?
Guest:But that's not your thing, though.
Guest:I mean, you have your thing.
Guest:You know, your thing is... My thing is just being me, but I think I should get out of me a little bit.
Guest:Your thing is rage and, like, shooting, like, bile at people in the audience that are like... It's like a guar concert.
Guest:It's just like, yeah!
Yeah!
Guest:Bathe me in hatred.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:Now, I think you're holding me to an old model of me.
Guest:Well, that's what I've actually heard.
Guest:I mean, because I was talking to somebody about this and I was like, yeah, man, he's going to, you know, it's going to be, that's a tough podcast, dude.
Guest:And everyone was like, no, no, that's like, that's the old Mark.
Guest:Like now he, you know, he wears jeans now and like nice shirts and...
Marc:No, because I think that in older me, like, if I ran into you, I'd be like, so you're a fucking Rob Hugo?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:You know, I'd do that thing, and I'm like, and then I'd condescend, and I'd be like, so this human giant thing, is that for kids, or...?
Guest:You motherfucker.
Guest:You fucking... This is not the old you.
Guest:This is you.
Marc:No, I mean, kids are important.
Marc:I mean, that's... But...
Guest:Oh, it's on.
Guest:So much resentment.
Guest:Speaking of kids, did you ever feel like your parents' divorce was your fault?
Guest:It's not an uncommon feeling.
Guest:I mean, it's even possible.
Marc:If we're really going to talk about it.
Marc:What I would like to see here is that, you know, you've been married several times.
Marc:You've been a stepfather.
Marc:So why don't we play that thing where you just, you know, why don't you talk to your father, you know, through Bob.
Marc:Yes, yes, yes.
Marc:I want to do this.
Guest:I do want to do this.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Hello, son.
Guest:How was your day?
Guest:It's a safe place, Rob.
Guest:I mean, it's so far off from my real dad.
Guest:But that's why he's willing to take... How was footballing practice?
Guest:It was fine.
Guest:Footballing went well.
Guest:I just wanted to say... Let's see that muscle, huh?
Guest:Hitting the weights again.
Guest:That is a lot like my real dad.
Guest:It is.
Guest:Like, let's put on some sunscreen.
Guest:Let's just fucking lube up your muscles.
Guest:No.
Guest:Thank God my dad doesn't have the internet.
Guest:All right, we'll continue.
Guest:Well, I just wanted to say, Dad, that I'm sorry.
Guest:Can we stop?
No.
Guest:I was doing it.
Guest:I'm putting myself out there.
Guest:I don't know if I'm ready to get this raw.
Guest:Intense truthfulness.
Guest:Intensely truthful.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I felt that.
Guest:Bob, why did you pull away from that?
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:Nobody's ever apologized to me before.
Guest:I'm so used to the blame falling on myself.
Guest:I don't know any other way.
Guest:All right, well, I think something happened.
Guest:I think something good happened.
Guest:Yeah, there's more.
Guest:Would you like to teach me to drive this weekend?
Guest:I mean, I was... I hadn't... Let's start a band.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Yeah, we'll start a fucking band.
Guest:We'll be like the White Stripes, but a father and son.
Guest:The worst idea.
Guest:The worst weekend ever.
Guest:You're a stepfather to how many girls?
Guest:Two girls.
Guest:One 40-year-old man.
Guest:The math on that doesn't even make sense.
Guest:My third wife was much older than me.
Guest:How much older?
Guest:Well, let's see.
Guest:Let's do the math.
Guest:I married her when I was 30.
Guest:She was 71 years old.
Guest:So depressing.
Marc:So depressing.
Guest:I think this worked a little bit, right?
Guest:Yeah, I mean, that was real.
Guest:I thought that was real.
Guest:Yeah, I was going there, and I felt I really opened myself up.
Guest:I apologize.
Guest:That's all right.
Guest:No, it's all right.
Guest:It's fine.
Guest:I thought that was a great breakthrough.
Guest:This is not your garage.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Correct?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:I mean, like if we were in the garage, I'd be sitting there and you'd be telling me how... Well, I don't know anything about you.
Marc:You weren't a sports guy.
Marc:You look like you should be a sports guy.
Guest:I'm not really a sports guy.
Marc:I'm not judging you.
Marc:But I mean, like what kind... What?
Marc:No, I'm just... I mean, you're a big dude.
Guest:Usually you guys are... No, Ackerman said that to me.
Guest:Ackerman goes, you seem like the kind of guy in high school you're just fucking like beating people up and like...
Guest:For what it's worth, I thought that too.
Guest:I wish.
Guest:Everyone felt that way.
Guest:I thought you were a jack.
Guest:I'm tall.
Guest:I got tall like a year ago.
Guest:I'm like 41.
Guest:At 40, I got a growth spurt.
Guest:That never happens.
Guest:It happened to me.
Guest:So who were you in high school?
Guest:What clique were you in?
Guest:I think I just wanted to be funny and to be liked by people.
Guest:So you were a floater.
Guest:Yeah, I think I spent a lot of time trying to appeal to these people and then appeal to these people.
Guest:But I was also scared of drugs and stuff in high school.
Guest:I was like, oh, God.
Guest:Because I think my parents really put that on me.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:It was very much like in that Nancy Reagan sort of just say no.
Guest:Were they conservative?
Guest:No, my parents are actually really cool, but I grew up in D.C., and I think that's just part of... What happened?
What happened?
Guest:Did someone fart?
Guest:What happened?
Guest:Something sounded weird.
Guest:Is someone getting finger blasted?
Guest:By the way, that term was not around when I was in high school.
Guest:Finger blasted?
Guest:That's a violent term on a beautiful act.
Guest:It is beautiful, but that word makes it sound dangerous.
Guest:I don't even think finger banged was around when I was in high school.
Marc:I think back in the day, am I right, Bob, it was just fingering.
Guest:We used to call it pussy mittens.
Guest:Pussy mittens.
Guest:Making pussy mittens.
Guest:Pussy mittens.
Guest:So you're... Knuckle fucking.
Guest:Knuckle fucking.
Guest:That makes sense.
Guest:That's a medical term.
Guest:Knuckle fucking.
Guest:Knuckle fucking.
Guest:I thought he said pussy maintenance.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:Sometimes it does turn into that.
Guest:I mean, if you find a problem, it's best to deal with it right then and then.
Guest:Immediately.
Guest:Immediately.
Guest:Don't save it for another day.
Guest:Just dress it head on.
Guest:Oh, we got a problem here.
Guest:It's dark in this car, but I can feel something's wrong.
Guest:I'm going to turn on the dome light.
Guest:I'm going to let this get away from you.
Guest:Sorry, this is probably not how your show... No, this is probably not graphic.
Guest:No, no, it's great.
Guest:Stinky pinky.
Guest:Stinky pinky.
Guest:Do you ever call it that?
Guest:Huh?
Guest:Stinky Pinky.
Guest:That seems... No.
Guest:That's crude, Bob.
Guest:No ride home.
Guest:You fucked it up, Bob.
Guest:You were so close.
Guest:You're walking now, Bob.
Guest:No car, no right now.
Guest:I can't walk.
Marc:Someone needs to carry you?
Guest:Because of his toes.
Guest:Well, I do have one of those canes that has a stool built into it, you know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And sometimes I can find a roller skate to put that on.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Are you working on anything exciting?
Marc:I forget that I have to stop the show at some point.
Guest:No.
Guest:Well, you know, without even going into it.
Guest:Yeah, what about that?
Guest:I don't even want to really.
Marc:You audition for something?
Guest:No, I had a... This is a fucking dumb Hollywood problem, which isn't even funny, so I'll go through it super fast.
Guest:It's an awesome setup.
Guest:No.
Guest:I know.
Marc:People were like, oh, this is going to be cool.
Guest:Well, you know how sometimes this town, like in the brochures for Hollywood, it seems so great.
Guest:There's like palm trees and like, you know, fucking girls in bikinis and all that, you know, stretch limos.
Guest:That's why I moved here.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:The brochures are just nice.
Guest:But yeah, no, it's just a dumb thing.
Guest:I did this pilot for Fox, and I just got this call yesterday.
Guest:We did this pilot, and it was really cool.
Guest:It was super fun.
Guest:It was for Fox and everything.
Guest:They showed it to me, and I loved it.
Guest:I had the funny part on the show, and I was just like, fucking, yeah, gonna buy a hot tub, fill it with pudding, or I don't know, whatever you do when you finally have money.
Guest:So then I got this call like yesterday and they're like, hey, man, so you've been written out of this.
Guest:So we shot it and then they didn't pick it up and they were like, we're going to reshoot the pilot.
Guest:And I was like the first person cast on the show.
Guest:And it was like it was really like the good part.
Guest:Like everything else is like that was everything else is funny.
Guest:But I was like, oh, fuck.
Guest:Yeah, this is the part of the fucking I was like.
Guest:Kill it.
Guest:Fucking doing it.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And so I did it, and then they were like, yeah, we love it.
Guest:And then they just figured out when they were going to redo the pilot, and they were like, yeah, we don't really need that character.
Guest:We don't need that guy.
Guest:So I just got this call yesterday, really.
Guest:And I've just been driving around.
Guest:Again, no one fuck it.
Guest:People are like, I have fucking scabies, which a lot of your audience does.
Guest:I know.
Guest:But I'm like,
Guest:But you know how it is.
Guest:You just get excited about it.
Guest:It's a thing of when you allow, and this is like, I know you feel this way about stuff too, but just from knowing how you are, but I feel like when I allow myself to fucking get psyched about something, that's why I don't ever do it.
Guest:Normally, if something cool is happening, I'm just like...
Guest:what's the fucking trick?
Guest:You know, who is about to pull the rug out and then fucking shave my head off or whatever.
Guest:But like, yeah, so it's just like one of those things.
Guest:You just can't get excited about anything.
Marc:No, I know.
Marc:I think Jake Johansson said it once that you move to Hollywood and then something dies inside of you and then that's how you proceed.
Yeah.
Marc:I'm paraphrasing there.
Marc:So I think what we're hearing, Bob, is that something has died inside of Rob.
Guest:I don't know if I can take much more of his... It's his tone of voice that drives me crazy.
Guest:I get that.
Guest:It's like anything he says is fucking... That's fair.
Guest:Wait.
Guest:I didn't ask you.
Guest:I didn't even ask you if it was fair.
Guest:Don't criticize yourself for not liking the way that I sound.
Guest:All right, what were you going to say?
Guest:What are you going to do with the pudding?
Marc:Rob Hubel, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Joe Latruglio.
Marc:Aparna Nancherla, Bob Duca.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:We're going to clear the stage and then we'll end with the regular way.
Marc:Thank you very much, you guys.
Marc:Hang out for a minute.
Marc:I know this show has gone on for a while, but I guarantee you what's about to happen in the next 10 minutes will fire.
Marc:You know, it's going to be worth it.
Marc:So let's start, of course, with this month's remembrances with Jim Earl with the obituaries.
Marc:Jim, how are you?
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Nice to see you, Jim.
Marc:I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Guest:Oh, that's okay, Mark.
Guest:No problem.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So, you're still feeding the skunks?
Marc:I can't stop feeding the skunks because it's so fun to know that if I put the cat food out there that they'll all come out.
Guest:Can I tell you a little story?
Guest:Do we have a minute for a skunk story?
Marc:Sure, Jim.
Guest:Last summer it was so hot.
Guest:It was like 3 a.m.
Guest:in the morning and I just had to get out of bed, you know, and smoke a joint and go out on the back hill and look at the beautiful moon.
Guest:It was a full moon.
Guest:And I'm sitting there and, oh, this is wonderful.
Guest:And I hear some rustling in the leaves next to me.
Guest:and i looked down and there's this huge skunk yeah just sitting there looking up at the moon with me yeah and i what a you know what a moment what a kindred spirit this was all on you know sure yeah and then i took a shovel and caved his head because i was high
Guest:You're not panicked.
Marc:It's all right, buddy.
Marc:You're forgiven.
Marc:You know, it happens.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:Should we kick on the music?
Marc:Yeah, here we go.
Marc:This month's remembrance with Jim Rowe.
Guest:Murray Handwerker, owner of Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs.
Guest:Murray Handwerker, who transformed his dad's local hot dog business into something even worse.
LAUGHTER
Guest:a national hot dog business, is now completely out of business.
Guest:The 89-year-old reportedly died of heart failure after a difficult night spent deboning his meat.
Guest:That's how you make hot dogs?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It was way back in 1916 that Murray's father, Nathan, started the little Coney Island hot dog stand with nothing more than a pocket full of gumption and an acceptable level of rat hair and insect parts.
Guest:The stand soon became an American legend.
Guest:And like Coney Island's amusement parks, its name became virtually synonymous with hot dogs and the sound of people screaming in stomach pain.
Guest:Nathan's famous hot dogs became so popular that Franklin D. Roosevelt served them to the king and queen of England on their 1939 visit to America.
Guest:You know, Mark, the story goes that when lunchtime came around, the queen decided she wanted to play a round of 20 questions in order to guess what her entree was going to be, which, of course, was a delicious Nathan's hot dog.
Guest:And, well, Mark, can I ask you to help me recreate the transcript of this historical game?
Guest:Sure.
Marc:What do I do?
Marc:Who am I, the king?
Marc:You play the king.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And it starts right here?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Off you go then, Elizabeth.
Marc:You have 20 questions.
Guest:Very well.
Guest:Is it hot and delicious?
Marc:Yes, Lizzy, it's hot, delicious, and juicy.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:Is it bigger than a bread box?
Guest:No, Lizzy.
Guest:Oh, so it's not a horse's dick?
Guest:That's the end of that.
Guest:Yeah, thanks.
Guest:Very nice of you.
Guest:In a recent interview, Nathan's son said that throughout his life, the hot dog Magnet always ate his Frankfurters the same way, au naturel, which probably explains why he was arrested so many times at Yankee Stadium.
Guest:Because he was just out.
Guest:Yeah, he just had his dick out eating the...
Guest:Eating the big hot dogs.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:Hot dog equals penis.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's pretty much what this is all about right here.
Guest:So be prepared for a couple more of them zingers.
Guest:Right down to the very fucking end.
Guest:Let's do it.
Guest:Hand worker requested his remains be run through a grinder.
Guest:mixed with binders and fillers in a vat, forced through tubes into the small intestine of a sheep, and then stuck inside Anthony Weiner's trousers.
Guest:It got a little political at the end.
Guest:I did.
Guest:Yeah, it's good.
Guest:I'm known for my political humor.
Guest:Yeah, it's great.
Guest:Second one here.
Guest:Frank Neuhauser, winner of the first National Spelling Bee.
Guest:Frank Neuhauser, winner of the very first National Spelling Bee in 1925, is dead.
Guest:D...
Guest:E-A-D.
Guest:Dead.
Guest:A family spokesperson said Neuhauser died of myelidosplastic syndrome, a blood disease so hard to spell many doctors refused to cure it.
Guest:In 1925, the 11-year-old Neuhauser won first prize by correctly spelling the word gladiolus.
Guest:He then promptly returned home to endless schoolyard beatings because he correctly spelled the word gladiolus.
Guest:First prize included a trip to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, where he quickly learned the word boring.
Guest:Coolidge.
Guest:You guys remember Coolidge?
Guest:How old are you people?
Guest:Youngsters don't even know who Coolidge was.
Guest:God.
Guest:What's the world coming to?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Anyway, Mark, since then, it's been a tradition for contest winners to visit the president in office, including George W. Bush, who still insists LMNOP is one letter.
Guest:LAUGHTER Neuhauser also won $500 in gold and a bicycle, which in today's values would be equal to around $500 in gold and a bicycle.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:Neuhauser requested his body be used in a sentence and buried within two minutes and 30 seconds.
Guest:And that's the end of the obit.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:You hear that?
Guest:Yeah, that's it.
Guest:Can I say something?
Ugh.
Marc:Is it going to hurt me?
Marc:No, go ahead.
Marc:No, no, say it.
Guest:No, no, no, say it.
Guest:I'll just tell somebody else.
Guest:No, say it.
Guest:Jim, don't.
Guest:No, it doesn't matter.
Guest:I don't want to play this game.
Guest:No, it's not a game.
Guest:I'll just tell somebody else that I don't have long to live.
Guest:Bye.
Guest:Jim Rowe, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:All right, let's do it.
Marc:This last guy.
Marc:Somebody wrote a fucking email.
Marc:Eddie, I got an email about you, so I'm going to set you up like that.
Marc:It just says, Eddie on my mind.
Marc:Hey, Mark.
Marc:So I was just watching a video of one of your live shows that ended with Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:I hadn't seen him since he was in that movie with the guy from that show Las Vegas.
Marc:What's his name?
Marc:Josh something?
Marc:Anyway.
Marc:What the fuck is he talking about?
Marc:In that movie, he had hair.
Marc:In the video I watched, he had no hair.
Marc:This struck a chord in my mind because when I listened to the same rant Eddie did on the podcast, audio only, I pictured him as I last saw him in that crappy romantic comedy he was a supporting character in.
Marc:Do you know what he's talking about?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Then I realized that before the movie, I hadn't even known that Eddie Pepitone looked like, having only heard his voice on The Lion King as a child.
Marc:Yeah, all right.
Marc:So I've now decided that I will envision Eddie as the meerkat he played because it's fun for me.
Marc:Just thought I'd share, love the show, Philip.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:You weren't in the Lion King, though, were you?
Guest:Was I in the Lion King?
Guest:No, I wasn't in the fucking Lion King.
Guest:I wish I was in the Lion King.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I wish I was in the Lion King because then maybe my anger would be tempered a little bit.
Guest:You know, it'd be like I'd be railing about shit.
Guest:I'd be railing about the cesspool we live in.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then people would be like, hey, but you were in The Lion King.
Guest:Kids would like you.
Guest:And kids would like me.
Guest:I'd be like, kids, America is a fucking nightmare.
Guest:It's a nightmare.
Guest:Because kids are always gathered around, you know?
Guest:It's a nightmare.
Guest:It's just a bloodbath of narcissism.
Guest:There's fucking no more goddamn jobs, no health care.
Guest:By the way, did you hear, and now here we go.
Guest:Did you hear, no, did you guys hear the story about a guy who robbed a bank so he could get health care?
Guest:Did you guys, you did not hear this?
Guest:I heard that, sad.
Guest:You slough this shit off now.
Guest:By the way, I think... No, you really do.
Guest:You really do.
Guest:You know, things are going very well for you, and I could just see you, you know, picking up a paper going, very sad about that fella.
Guest:Hey, let me get a cilantro-infused salmon.
Guest:Marc Maron.
Guest:The Maron tab.
Marc:Like, that's my... Yeah, that's good.
Marc:That's exactly... That was lunch today.
Marc:Cilantro-infused salmon.
Guest:By the way, I love the fact that Marc brought up chopped because I love chopped as well.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I fucking love Chopped.
Guest:I sit there, too, and I sit there going, that fucking chef.
Guest:By the way, I know this, by the way, because I waited tables in New York for, I don't know, about 10, 15 years.
Guest:Chefs are psychotic fucking egomaniacs.
Guest:They are psychotic.
Guest:They're all like, oh, look at what I've created.
Guest:And they're all just these fucking self-absorbed cops.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:They're like little Hitlers.
Guest:But anyway, this is what I want to talk about.
Guest:Even though chopped is good.
Guest:I like things that are competitive for some... Like, I just love the fact, you know, people are trying to prepare a meal in like five minutes.
Guest:They have a half an hour.
Guest:They get a basket.
Guest:They get an ingredient of baskets.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's like a kumquat, a Fabergé egg...
Guest:and a horse's head, and they have to be like, ah, and then they get, I love the, That was the funniest part, when you wanted, oh.
Guest:No, but I love when the chefs, then they have the, you know, the sound underneath, oh, I had never worked with a horse's head before.
Guest:I,
Guest:I had only seen it in The Godfather, and it definitely sent a message, but I don't know how to fucking cook with this shit.
Guest:So I'm a little out of my league here.
Guest:I'm a little out of my league.
Guest:You ever see that where they have a vegan chef, and all of a sudden the vegan chef has to make a... Pickled tongue.
Guest:Pickled tongue.
Guest:And they're like, Christ, I've never even seen a tongue.
Guest:I...
Guest:Anyway, fuck you guys.
Guest:Look, here is the thing.
Guest:I think humanity... I think humanity is the thing that you have to fucking present to an... Like, right away... That you do.
Marc:You definitely do that.
Marc:Oh, I totally do.
Marc:You're like raw, throbbing humanity in all its manifestations.
Marc:Like, I've never seen a guy go through the full arc of emotions.
Marc:I mean, I think, you know, you'll start with anger, and then you'll go to happiness, and then there'll be these moments of grieving, and then you actually time travel a bit.
Marc:And then...
Marc:And then all of a sudden you land with a certain amount of peace of mind.
Marc:I think you're a beautiful man.
Guest:Boy, this is taking the steam out of the rant.
Guest:Imagine if my rants became like that, like, hey, folks, I just want to say that I just came from feeding squirrels, and that went well, and I've named a couple of squirrels because they have markings.
Guest:I would love that.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:I would love that.
Guest:I do do that shit about feeding squirrels, except I do it in the angry voice, like, I feed squirrels!
Guest:And...
Guest:I think that's funny.
Guest:Like, I think it's funny, like, because my dad was a union leader.
Guest:And I just think it's funny to put, like, funny words in union leaders' mouths.
Guest:Like, listen, men, before I talk about the sheet metal union, I want to talk about some of the fellas who aren't feeding squirrels in the yard.
Guest:What's up with that, guys?
Guest:Yes, our jobs are being taken away by outsourcing, but can we not feed a squirrel once in a fucking while?
Guest:Get out of your narcissism, fellas.
Guest:Get out of your phones and feed a squirrel.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:I think that last piece was the best thing I've seen you do.
Marc:The squirrel thing?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Are you serious?
Marc:No, because I just realized that so much of this fury and this process is your pop.
Guest:Oh, it is.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:It is my father.
Guest:I channel my dad.
Guest:He's Sicilian, and he's operatic.
Guest:Everything was operatic.
Guest:Everything was big deal.
Guest:It'd be like, did you leave the garage door open?
Guest:Like, it would be like that.
Guest:Like, and I was young, you know, I was in my 30s and I'd be like,
Guest:traditional comic technique right there but I was young as a little kid and I'd be like and all of a sudden I felt like I was in Miller's Crossing and it was over the garage door and I've always had this kind of fucking feeling about life because my dad took every like my dad was so intense about everything like when we were having dinner he'd be like I grew up in a crazy when we were having dinner he'd be like pass the salt laughter
Guest:You know?
Guest:And I'd be like, really?
Guest:What's it mean to you?
Guest:Like, everything was a huge negotiation.
Guest:And I would get down on my knees about, let's say, the garage door, the thermostat was another thing.
Guest:Did you touch the thermostat?
Guest:And I realized that.
Guest:I didn't know if I could tell the truth.
Guest:I've always had a problem with lying in my life because I'm always afraid of the consequences of telling the truth.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Daddy, look in your heart!
Laughter
Guest:Like, I would start doing that, like Totoro, if some of you are familiar with Totoro.
Guest:I'd be like, Daddy, look in your arm!
Guest:Yes, I did turn the thermostat up, but I liked it warm, Father.
Guest:And remember, Daddy, you and Mommy decided to have me.
Guest:I am part of la familia.
Daddy!
Guest:So why the fuck can't I turn it?
Guest:I wish I had the balls to say to him.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:I wish I had the balls to say to him, why the fuck can't I turn up the thermostat?
Guest:Instead, I carried around such tremendous guilt, and it's still working its way out of me at the age of 52, you know, on stage.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I've never had a shrink.
Guest:I never had a shrink who could deal with me.
Guest:And I know that sounds like a bragging thing.
Guest:I thought I just heard one go, come on.
Guest:You never had one that could deal with you?
Guest:I find that shrinks are afraid of intimacy.
Guest:And then they get like, fuck this.
Guest:They get like, you know what, Pepitone?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:This isn't what it's about.
Guest:You know what, Pepitone?
Guest:This is exactly what it's about.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:Thanks for coming.
Guest:Thanks, everybody.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:That'll be good for your documentary.
Marc:Let's keep it going for all the guests in this marathon show that I hope we actually got on tape.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, Jim Earl, Joe Lotruglio, Aparna Nancherla, Seth Morris as the great Bob Duca, and Rob Hubel.
Marc:You guys have been great.
Marc:Kick on the music.
Marc:I have shirts.
Marc:I really appreciate you hanging out, and I appreciate that you listen to the show.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:This has been fucking amazing.
Marc:Thanks for coming, buddy.
Thank you.
Guest:We'll be right back.