Episode 20 - Zach Galifianakis

Episode 20 • Released November 8, 2009 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest 1:are we doing this really wait for it are we doing this wait for it pow what the fuck and it's also what the fuck what's wrong with me it's time for wtf what the fuck with mark maron

00:00:23Marc:Okay, what the fuckers, this is Mark Maron.

00:00:25Marc:This is part of a noble experiment, I think.

00:00:27Marc:I don't know that I've ever done anything like this before, but I am in a car driving down I-25 to Santa Fe, New Mexico.

00:00:36Marc:I grew up in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

00:00:37Marc:The Sandia Mountains are to my right.

00:00:40Marc:They're so familiar to me.

00:00:42Marc:It's so odd to go back to the town that you grew up in if you don't spend a lot of time there anymore.

00:00:47Marc:I woke up this morning, it was clear, it was crisp, it was golden, the sun was coming down, and I took one breath of air, the cold New Mexico air, and it was like a gas that brought my entire past back to me in one overwhelming wave.

00:01:01Marc:And I walk around the city I grew up in looking at people, looking at cars pulling up, just waiting for some part of my past to climb out of the car.

00:01:09Marc:And perhaps maybe I could get into the car and go back to wherever it was that I was once when things were easier.

00:01:15Marc:But I think probably just as aggravating on different levels.

00:01:18Marc:I mean, let's not celebrate high schools if it was some...

00:01:21Marc:sort of great time in our lives.

00:01:23Marc:Maybe it was for some of you, but for me it was a painful experience of awkwardness and need to be connected to people and also constantly thinking like, I don't know, am I okay?

00:01:33Marc:Do I look okay?

00:01:34Marc:Is my hair okay?

00:01:34Marc:Am I going to be okay?

00:01:35Marc:Is my car running okay?

00:01:37Marc:Am I going to be all right?

00:01:38Marc:How come I keep falling asleep in class?

00:01:40Marc:Oh my God, why am I taking a type in class?

00:01:42Marc:I don't understand chemistry.

00:01:44Marc:Oh, I'm going to fall asleep again.

00:01:45Marc:That was my high school experience.

00:01:47Marc:That and driving around drunk.

00:01:50Marc:Getting people to buy me liquor outside of liquor stores with a bunch of friends.

00:01:53Marc:Who the hell does that?

00:01:55Marc:Would you do that?

00:01:56Marc:I think about it now.

00:01:57Marc:If I was walking to a liquor store, which one I would have really no reason to be doing considering I don't drink, and some 15-year-old kid comes up and says, Hey, man, will you buy us a pint of Southern and a six of Heinies?

00:02:07Marc:Who says yes to that?

00:02:10Marc:But if you've done that before and if you bought me liquor, I want to thank you because you did make high school easier, and I'm just glad I survived it.

00:02:18Marc:So this is part of the experiment, doing a live show in a car, a smart car.

00:02:23Marc:We're driving in my friend Megan's smart car.

00:02:25Marc:I don't know if you've seen a smart car, but somehow or another they're convincing people that these are safe cars.

00:02:33Marc:This car looks like it fits in the trunk of another car.

00:02:36Marc:I don't know what safe is relative to.

00:02:38Marc:I guess if we slammed into a wall, maybe the undercarriage is strong enough and it's designed well enough that we wouldn't get hurt.

00:02:45Marc:But the sad thing is, is I'm driving by a truck right now, a large semi.

00:02:49Marc:That truck could run us over like a squirrel or a turtle.

00:02:52Marc:And there'd just be a little smush smart car on the highway.

00:02:55Marc:So as long as nothing other, you know, as long as another car doesn't run you over, I guess you'll be all right.

00:03:02Marc:Oh, by the way, I don't have any Just Coffee with me.

00:03:06Marc:I don't have any JustCoffee.coop with me in the car.

00:03:09Marc:I'm sad to say I don't travel with it, but I don't want to deny you people the experience that you've grown.

00:03:16Marc:Oh, look, there's a casino.

00:03:18Marc:Can we go to the casino later?

00:03:20Marc:That's something I have not done yet.

00:03:22Marc:I have not really engaged in the possibility that I could become a degenerate, compulsive gambler.

00:03:31Marc:You know why I've never done that?

00:03:32Marc:Because I really don't like losing money.

00:03:37Marc:That that's the big issue with me in gambling.

00:03:41Marc:But, you know, that's an Indian casino.

00:03:43Marc:So that's OK.

00:03:44Marc:I like Indian casinos.

00:03:46Marc:I don't like Vegas because that just seems wrong.

00:03:49Marc:But an Indian casino, it's good because if you lose, you feel like you're helping.

00:03:54Marc:I lost five hundred dollars, you know, but it's for the tribe.

00:03:57Marc:Yeah, let's go there later.

00:03:59Marc:What was I talking about?

00:04:00Marc:Oh, yeah, just coffee.

00:04:02Marc:So I don't have any just coffee with me.

00:04:03Marc:We've got some Guatemalan coffee we bought at the co-op where I watch hippies buy groceries.

00:04:08Marc:And I say hippies with love because you all know that I've got a serious inner hippie.

00:04:13Marc:But hold on because I don't want to deny you this.

00:04:16Marc:Here we go.

00:04:18Marc:wow oh my god it's not just coffee but go buy just coffee go to wtfpod.com hit the justcoffee.coop link and get yourself some just coffee put wtf in the coupon box and you will get a 10 discount off of just coffee and it's better than the coffee i'm drinking right now in the car this is working oh my god look how beautiful it is out here in new mexico i don't know if you've ever been here but they have something called mesas

00:04:44Marc:Which are these, they're like, they look like mountains that were cut off at the top.

00:04:47Marc:They're just flat, plain mountains.

00:04:50Marc:I don't know how they're created.

00:04:51Marc:I don't know what happens.

00:04:53Marc:I don't know.

00:04:53Marc:It means table.

00:04:55Marc:I know that.

00:04:56Marc:But I'm not a, I don't have the information on how they're created.

00:04:59Marc:But there's nothing more beautiful than the New Mexican landscape.

00:05:03Marc:And it's so clear.

00:05:03Marc:And winter's just starting.

00:05:05Marc:It's perfect.

00:05:05Marc:So I get in last night to Albuquerque International Airport.

00:05:09Marc:They added the international since I've been here, and it seems that they've added maybe a runway, which means that it's international.

00:05:16Marc:My dad picks me up, takes me to his house for dinner, where he's invited this young couple over.

00:05:22Marc:And I didn't get much background on this.

00:05:24Marc:And apparently what it was is that my father had met this guy at a clothing store where he buys his clothes.

00:05:30Marc:And apparently they had some sort of political discussion at some point in time that implied to my father.

00:05:36Marc:Basically, I think this is what went on in my father's head.

00:05:39Marc:This guy would be great for Mark to argue with.

00:05:42Marc:I'm going to invite him over for dinner.

00:05:44Marc:My son's only going to be down three days.

00:05:46Marc:So I'm going to invite this guy over for dinner who I don't know with his wife the night that Mark's coming over and watch them argue about politics.

00:05:56Marc:And I've got to be honest with you, folks, I have lost my my verve for arguing the nuances of politics, for actually getting into it and arguing points, because it seems to me that everybody is frightened.

00:06:11Marc:Everybody is at some degree of paranoia.

00:06:15Marc:And it seems to me that all of these right wing slash libertarian slash completely frightened, bigoted black jobs

00:06:23Marc:Are just, you know, once you get talking to him for a little while and they start going, he started dropping words like gay agenda, like socialism, communism, what we're headed for.

00:06:35Marc:World War Three.

00:06:36Marc:Look at Iran, the Federal Reserve.

00:06:38Marc:I mean, he was hitting all the buzz points that a frightened, programmable, angry person uses.

00:06:45Marc:You see, when somebody is bigoted and they're frightened and they have no answers, that's like a nice, fertile field for all kinds of hateful bullshit to be dumped into.

00:06:59Marc:And I have found that the best way to deal with these people as I get older and a little more tolerant in the sense of what really needs to happen is you just listen to them.

00:07:11Marc:And what I started to feel about midway through this guy telling me how the gay agenda is basically to destroy the church.

00:07:20Marc:And then he goes on to saying that he doesn't mind civil unions, but he doesn't think they should be able to get married because Obama's going to make priests marry gays in his church.

00:07:31Marc:And who's going to want to go to that church?

00:07:34Marc:And then he started talking.

00:07:35Marc:I started looking at him.

00:07:36Marc:And in my mind, I was saying, do you need to cry?

00:07:39Marc:You need to have a good cry, don't you?

00:07:41Marc:Why are you so afraid, little man?

00:07:43Marc:But I didn't say that.

00:07:44Marc:I let him go on.

00:07:45Marc:And I made it clear to him that that part of the American idea and part of the reason why democracy is so great is

00:07:52Marc:is that it provokes people.

00:07:54Marc:It challenges people to be tolerant of change and new things and to try to be accepting of other Americans despite what they may think about them personally.

00:08:03Marc:If you're going to honor the idea of democracy, then it has to be for all people.

00:08:07Marc:And if you have a problem with that, then you have to learn how to be tolerant.

00:08:11Marc:But the way this guy was going was like, no, something's going to happen.

00:08:14Marc:There's us and them and that's that.

00:08:16Marc:And then he got sort of confused in the Federal Reserve System and Iran and World War III and genetically designed diseases by the big they that they distribute in order to kill off the three billion people that are necessary to balance out the population.

00:08:31Marc:But for some reason, I just let him keep talking.

00:08:34Marc:And it dawned on me that these people are just so frightened that they seem to forget that, look, if things don't work out with the ideas that this new president has put in place, if the majority agrees with you, then he will be voted out.

00:08:47Marc:So what you really have to do is like they used to.

00:08:50Marc:And he kept talking about the old days.

00:08:53Marc:Why can't it be more like the 50s?

00:08:54Marc:Oh, you mean when blacks weren't allowed anywhere?

00:08:58Marc:No, not that part of it.

00:08:59Marc:You know, the part where everybody liked each other and everybody had the same house and everybody thought the same things and everybody seemed to be on the same page except for the them, whoever they might have been then.

00:09:10Marc:There's always been a them.

00:09:11Marc:I just found myself being a little more sympathetic than I would generally, you know, only because I saw the amount of pain and fear and anger that this guy was in.

00:09:24Marc:And there's no way you're going to change a bigot's mind.

00:09:28Marc:And it seems like the only way a bigot will change his mind is if one day he comes home from work and he says to his wife, you know what?

00:09:38Marc:You know, Bob from The Office, that guy you eat lunch with every day, I just found out he's gay.

00:09:43Marc:That's that's I can't even fuck.

00:09:45Marc:I don't even know what to do with that.

00:09:46Marc:He's such a good guy.

00:09:48Marc:That's the only way people learn tolerance is how they deal with that predicament.

00:09:53Marc:So there was nothing I was going to do to dissuade his bigotry.

00:09:55Marc:But I was able to say, well, look, you can either think that the world is going to end in a big, fiery mess of nuclear bombs flying everywhere if that's what makes you happy, if that's the way your brain works, if you want to go into the world of apocalyptic visions because it makes you feel like you know things or that you're on top of it.

00:10:17Marc:then that is really the antithesis of having any sort of hope whatsoever.

00:10:23Marc:And this is coming from a fairly hopeless guy at times.

00:10:27Marc:I'm a fairly cynical person, but I'm starting to realize as I talk to you people more that I may not be cynical.

00:10:33Marc:I may just be very sensitive and responding to things, but I'm not going to respond like that because there's no way to go with that.

00:10:39Marc:There's nowhere to go with that.

00:10:41Marc:And that has nothing to do with what's going to really happen.

00:10:45Marc:In the best case scenario,

00:10:47Marc:Things will become more tolerant.

00:10:50Marc:Culture will become a little more forgiving.

00:10:53Marc:Politically, we're in trouble, economically in trouble.

00:10:55Marc:And either we're going to ride it out or things are going to get worse.

00:10:58Marc:And that's another thing this guy kept saying.

00:11:00Marc:You know what brings people together?

00:11:02Marc:Do you know?

00:11:03Marc:And I'm like, what?

00:11:04Marc:Disaster.

00:11:06Marc:That's the only thing that brings people together.

00:11:08Marc:And what's going to happen this time?

00:11:09Marc:What's going to happen this time to bring people together?

00:11:12Marc:What kind of horrible nuclear disaster is going to happen?

00:11:16Marc:Well, and then I thought, well, wait a minute.

00:11:18Marc:There's other things that bring people together, like community, tolerance, acceptance, service, helping people out, being charitable, reaching out to other people, trying to do what you can to make the world a better place.

00:11:32Marc:No, disaster.

00:11:34Marc:That's disaster is what's going to do it.

00:11:36Marc:And I'm like, well, I think you're misinterpreting the idea of what you say is the freedom to be an American and what being an American means.

00:11:43Marc:At some point, being American has to mean being a little bit selfless, giving up a little bit, making a little bit of sacrifice to make America, the community, the country, the state, the town, a better place.

00:12:00Marc:And I've harped on this before, and I don't know when I became this guy.

00:12:04Marc:But I just I snapped at a guy at the airport yesterday.

00:12:07Marc:I mean, I don't quite understand it.

00:12:11Marc:I'm on the security line.

00:12:14Marc:And there are three podiums where, you know, TSA guys are checking passports.

00:12:20Marc:And there's like a main line and there are three of these podiums.

00:12:23Marc:And what they wanted us to do was, you know, fill up each of the three lines, you know, where they could get three or four people in a short line to each podium.

00:12:31Marc:But everybody was going one by one out of the big line.

00:12:33Marc:So one of them makes an announcement, folks, you can fill up these fill up the three lines.

00:12:38Marc:And the woman who was in front of me didn't quite understand.

00:12:41Marc:She didn't look like she she was from here.

00:12:44Marc:And then the guy behind me just kind of bullies his way past me and in front of her to go on one of these lines.

00:12:50Marc:And I say, hey, hey, dude, what's up?

00:12:53Marc:And he looks at me because I'm just following instructions.

00:12:55Marc:I said, well, why don't you be a fucking nice guy?

00:12:58Marc:And I let the woman walk by, and then I walked by him, and then he walked by behind me.

00:13:04Marc:And then, of course, he ended up on line right behind me, and we didn't say anything.

00:13:08Marc:And I don't know if that was quite the way to say, you know, be a nice guy, but that was really it.

00:13:13Marc:I mean, how hard would it have been to say, did you hear what he said?

00:13:18Marc:He said we could go ahead and go.

00:13:19Marc:No, I'm just going to steamroll you guys and bully by because of what kind of impact does that have?

00:13:25Marc:It's little things, folks.

00:13:27Marc:Look, everyone's pissed off.

00:13:29Marc:Everyone's afraid.

00:13:30Marc:Everyone's a little crazy.

00:13:31Marc:But Jesus, man, let's get on the same page here and behaving properly in public.

00:13:37Marc:Oh, look, there's snow.

00:13:39Marc:There's snow on the mountains in Santa Fe.

00:13:41Marc:Santa de Cristo.

00:13:43Marc:We're going to go by my high school later because, you know, I want to talk about a hate crime that happened to me.

00:13:50Marc:And also, we're going to try to track down Zach Galifianakis.

00:13:54Marc:I know he's in town.

00:13:55Marc:I know he's in the state.

00:13:57Marc:I know he's here making a movie.

00:14:00Marc:I've reached out to him.

00:14:02Marc:We'll see if we can find him.

00:14:11Marc:Zach Galifianakis, talking to the mic.

00:14:17Marc:You haven't been away from stand-up that long.

00:14:20Marc:You just put it in front of your mouth.

00:14:21Marc:What, did I just talk into it?

00:14:22Marc:Yeah.

00:14:22Marc:Wow.

00:14:23Marc:You know how that is?

00:14:24Marc:It's been a long time.

00:14:27Marc:It has been.

00:14:27Marc:Jeez.

00:14:27Marc:So you're shooting a film here in Albuquerque where I grew up, and you and I go way back.

00:14:31Marc:We'll talk about that in a bit.

00:14:33Marc:We don't talk as much as we should because, you know, you're a cameraman on this movie.

00:14:40Guest 5:No, I'm not.

00:14:41Guest 5:I'm an actor.

00:14:44Marc:Oh.

00:14:45Marc:I saw the other film that you did.

00:14:47Guest 5:Which one?

00:14:47Guest 5:What do you mean?

00:14:49Guest 5:There's been so many.

00:14:50Marc:There has?

00:14:50Marc:No.

00:14:51Marc:The Hangover, I saw.

00:14:52Marc:Yeah, The Hangover.

00:14:52Marc:I saw it on the plane.

00:14:54Guest 5:They're playing it on the plane already.

00:14:55Guest 5:Yeah.

00:14:57Guest 5:How judgmental were you of it?

00:15:00Marc:I don't know why people take me to be judgmental.

00:15:02Marc:Do you have to go shoot a scene?

00:15:03No.

00:15:04Guest 5:Yeah, come in.

00:15:05Guest 5:It's behind the scenes.

00:15:06Guest 5:Come in.

00:15:07Guest 5:Are they ready?

00:15:11Guest 5:Oh, good.

00:15:12Guest 3:Okay.

00:15:15Guest 5:Okay, so now do I... Okay, I'll be right there.

00:15:19Marc:Can I go on to this set?

00:15:20Marc:Yeah.

00:15:21Marc:I can?

00:15:21Marc:Yeah, of course.

00:15:22Marc:And who else?

00:15:23Marc:No, you can't.

00:15:23Marc:No, I know.

00:15:24Marc:Who else is in the movie?

00:15:25Guest 5:Robert Downey Jr.

00:15:26Marc:Can we hang out with him?

00:15:29Marc:You guys friends?

00:15:29Guest 5:Yes.

00:15:30Marc:So can we hang out with him?

00:15:32Guest 5:Yeah, but he might be in his trailer because I think it's just on me.

00:15:35Guest 5:Oh.

00:15:36Guest 5:Don't ask him to be interviewed.

00:15:37Guest 5:I'm not going to ask.

00:15:38Guest 5:I'm not going to do anything.

00:15:39Guest 5:What do you think I am?

00:15:40Guest 5:I don't know.

00:15:40Guest 5:My family I went to dinner with had embarrassed the shit out of me.

00:15:43Marc:They did?

00:15:44Guest 5:Yeah, it was like a paparazzi line.

00:15:45Guest 5:It was so embarrassing.

00:15:47Marc:Did he handle it well, though, right?

00:15:48Guest 5:Yeah, he's good at it.

00:15:50Marc:Does my drive-on include a walk-on part?

00:15:53Guest 5:If there's extras in this, you can definitely play an extra if you'd like.

00:15:58Marc:Can I play a guy that looks like me?

00:16:01Guest 5:What look is this you're going for these days?

00:16:03Guest 5:Because it looks just like John Lennon and Sergeant Pepper.

00:16:05Marc:Yeah.

00:16:06Marc:I think that's pretty specific.

00:16:08Marc:A woman said to me yesterday, you look like one of the Beatles.

00:16:10Marc:And I said, there's only four.

00:16:11Marc:Pete Bess.

00:16:12Marc:Yeah.

00:16:12Marc:You're wearing a turban.

00:16:16Marc:I know.

00:16:16Guest 5:Don't, don't give it away.

00:16:18Guest 5:Oh, all right.

00:16:18Guest 5:Let's go.

00:16:19Guest 5:Let's go over there.

00:16:19Guest 5:We're going to shoot a scene.

00:16:22Yeah.

00:16:29Marc:We just got back from shooting a scene, and judging from that scene, the movie has a lot to do with you running up to a door and saying, what did you say?

00:16:43Guest 5:Peter.

00:16:44Marc:You said Peter, and then Robert Downey Jr.

00:16:46Marc:held up a stuffed animal.

00:16:48Guest 5:Yeah, I know.

00:16:48Guest 5:It's not out of context.

00:16:51Marc:Out of context, it's genius.

00:16:53Marc:I don't know how it's going to look in the film.

00:16:54Marc:Oh, in context, it's terrible.

00:16:55Marc:Oh, but out of context, if the whole movie's like this, I'm in.

00:17:00Marc:If it's that cryptic, like I'm assuming that the stuffed animal is explained at some point.

00:17:04Guest 5:Not really.

00:17:04Marc:Oh, so it's going to be an absurd, exciting movie.

00:17:08Guest 5:Yeah, we don't explain too much in it.

00:17:10Guest 5:You don't?

00:17:10Guest 5:I mean, they may.

00:17:11Guest 5:I don't know.

00:17:11Guest 5:I don't read the script.

00:17:12Marc:So I met you probably 15 years ago, and I have a couple questions about that encounter.

00:17:18Marc:I was in North Carolina doing comedy, and I was on the road, and I'd gone to a laundromat to wash my clothes.

00:17:24Marc:And then you came into the laundromat.

00:17:26Marc:What were you doing there?

00:17:28Guest 5:I lived right near the laundromat.

00:17:32Guest 5:And when you can live near a laundromat, you know you've really got a cushy life.

00:17:36Marc:But you weren't doing laundry.

00:17:37Yeah.

00:17:38Guest 5:You know, I think I spotted you and kind of followed you into the laundromat, I think.

00:17:43Marc:Because you knew me from New York?

00:17:44Guest 5:I'd seen you on... Something.

00:17:47Guest 5:What would I have seen you on back then?

00:17:49Marc:At that then?

00:17:50Guest 5:You know, the comedy... Was there a comedy channel?

00:17:53Marc:95?

00:17:53Marc:Yeah, you would have seen me on the comedy channel or on Evening at the Improv or perhaps Caroline's Comedy Hour.

00:18:00Guest 5:And wasn't there also a show where you just did laundry?

00:18:02Marc:Yes.

00:18:03Guest 5:Maybe where I recognized you from?

00:18:04Marc:Right.

00:18:04Marc:You're like, oh my God, that's the guy that does that on television.

00:18:07Right.

00:18:07Guest 5:But you were playing Charlie Goodnight.

00:18:09Marc:Yes.

00:18:10Guest 5:And I really didn't know anything about comedy or any of that.

00:18:12Guest 5:And I just wanted to ask you because I think I was thinking about moving to New York.

00:18:18Guest 2:Oh, you hadn't even moved yet?

00:18:19Guest 5:I don't know.

00:18:19Guest 5:I can't remember.

00:18:20Guest 5:If it was 15 years ago, I'd already moved to New York.

00:18:22Guest 2:Right.

00:18:22Guest 5:That's what I thought.

00:18:23Guest 5:So it was probably longer.

00:18:24Guest 5:It might have been 20 years ago.

00:18:25Guest 5:Jeez.

00:18:26Marc:Wow.

00:18:27Marc:You've come a long way.

00:18:28Marc:You just did a scene with Robert Downey Jr., and I was waiting in your trailer.

00:18:32Marc:Yeah.

00:18:33Marc:And I wasn't waiting.

00:18:33Marc:I watched the scene.

00:18:34Marc:You watched the scene.

00:18:35Marc:It was great.

00:18:35Marc:It was really a great scene.

00:18:36Marc:All I was happy about was that you did it in three takes, and it was done.

00:18:41Marc:Done.

00:18:41Marc:I mean, I was standing there going, holy shit, what did I get myself into?

00:18:44Marc:This is going to take a long time.

00:18:46Guest 5:I was nervous, too.

00:18:46Guest 5:I thought you guys would be here for a long time.

00:18:49Marc:Does this mean we're not going to hang out tomorrow or Monday?

00:18:52Yeah.

00:18:52Guest 5:uh we can okay but here's the thing yeah um the reason i wanted to ask you if you could do it today yeah i knew today was going to be like this like start and stop and i was going to have a break so it worked out perfectly and this is nice and quiet in here exactly yeah exactly and you got to meet um robert downey jr who walked into my trailer by accident by accident

00:19:11Guest 5:Yeah, he thought this was his trailer.

00:19:13Guest 5:Oh, my God.

00:19:14Guest 5:Yeah.

00:19:15Guest 5:So he's a little... No, he's just... I've done it before, too.

00:19:18Guest 5:It happens a lot.

00:19:21Marc:But I would think he'd have a special trailer.

00:19:22Marc:Like, it would have lights on it that said Robert Downey Jr.

00:19:24Marc:'s trailer.

00:19:25Guest 5:He has his name on it.

00:19:26Marc:Yeah, you don't even have your name on here.

00:19:28Marc:It says Ethan.

00:19:30Guest 5:Oh, it also says BJ and the Bear.

00:19:33Guest 5:I wrote it in a Sharpie.

00:19:35Guest 5:Don't tell the guy.

00:19:36Marc:Who's Ethan?

00:19:37Guest 5:Ethan's my character's name.

00:19:38Marc:Oh, so this trailer's for your character?

00:19:41Yeah.

00:19:41Guest 5:Well, you're supposed to not.

00:19:42Guest 5:The director never wants us to get out of character.

00:19:45Guest 5:That's never annoying when you work with a method person.

00:19:49Guest 5:It's never annoying.

00:19:50Guest 5:It's always a pleasure.

00:19:52Marc:Yeah.

00:19:53Marc:I was on the set.

00:19:54Marc:I did one big movie once.

00:19:55Marc:What movie?

00:19:56Marc:Almost Famous.

00:19:56Marc:I had one scene in Almost Famous.

00:19:57Marc:Yep.

00:19:58Marc:And I was on set with all those guys who were hanging around in character.

00:20:02Marc:Billy Crudup and Jason Lee as rock stars.

00:20:05Guest 3:Jason Lee?

00:20:06Marc:Was that his name?

00:20:07Marc:Everyone Likes Earl or whatever?

00:20:09Marc:Yep.

00:20:09Marc:Yeah, him.

00:20:09Guest 5:I worked with that guy.

00:20:10Marc:You like him?

00:20:11Guest 5:Yeah, he was nice.

00:20:13Guest 5:But then Sarah Silverman was on the same movie, and she goes, the only reason he's being nice to you, Zach, is because he thinks you're a sucker for Scientology.

00:20:20Marc:Yeah, he's a Scientologist guy.

00:20:22Marc:You know they call it Sci-Ti?

00:20:23Marc:Do they?

00:20:24Marc:I do.

00:20:25Guest 5:I've always wanted to belong to an organization that combines science with Tology.

00:20:30Marc:Yeah, that combines pseudoscience with bullshit.

00:20:35Guest 5:Yeah, I just worked with a Scientologist.

00:20:36Guest 5:She was nice.

00:20:37Marc:You did?

00:20:37Marc:Yeah.

00:20:38Marc:Who?

00:20:39Guest 5:Juliette Lewis.

00:20:40Guest 5:I think she is.

00:20:41Marc:I remember that movie you did with Jason Lee and Sarah Silverman.

00:20:43Marc:Wasn't that a movie that took place in a tropical area that was a love story, and you played the short, chubby, weird, fat guy?

00:20:51Guest 6:I wasn't...

00:20:55Guest 6:You know, I've done other things.

00:20:57Guest 5:But I guess weird is the... I guess weird and chubby is the common denominator.

00:21:03Guest 5:And then I guess short, because that's always going to be the case.

00:21:06Guest 2:Yeah.

00:21:07Guest 2:So did you do... You played a similar character in the snow movie.

00:21:10Guest 2:What was the snow movie?

00:21:11Guest 5:He was a little bit smarter.

00:21:13Marc:Oh.

00:21:13Marc:What movie was that?

00:21:15Guest 5:Out Cold.

00:21:16Marc:Yeah.

00:21:16Marc:That was like your first movie, wasn't it?

00:21:18Guest 5:It was... No.

00:21:20Guest 5:I had done a couple other ones beforehand.

00:21:21Marc:What's the movie with you on the poster with the weird thing on your face?

00:21:25Guest 5:with the lens thing oh that's a serious movie yeah oh well it's it's it's a dark comedy but it's not uh i don't play a weirdo everything's weird around me do you still have the beard i have i have a shorter beard i was taller in that movie um and i was uh yeah that was a that's called visioneers

00:21:48Marc:Yeah, I wanted to see that.

00:21:50Guest 5:Will they have that on the plane soon?

00:21:52Guest 5:No.

00:21:53Guest 5:I'm proud of that movie.

00:21:56Marc:Can I rent it?

00:21:57Marc:Can I get it on Netflix?

00:21:58Guest 5:You can rent it, I think.

00:22:00Guest 5:I know you can.

00:22:00Guest 5:What am I talking about?

00:22:01Guest 5:You can buy it.

00:22:03Marc:I can buy the film?

00:22:04Guest 5:You can buy the film.

00:22:05Marc:How much will you get if I buy it?

00:22:06Guest 5:I don't think I get any money.

00:22:07Marc:Well, if I give you a dollar and rent it on Netflix, it would be even?

00:22:09Guest 5:I won't get any money.

00:22:11Marc:But if I give you a dollar now and then rent it on Netflix?

00:22:14Guest 5:I was listening to your podcast and you're asking for a donation, so I'd like to make one.

00:22:18Marc:Okay.

00:22:19Guest 2:What do you got?

00:22:19Guest 5:Do you have change for a quarter?

00:22:21Guest 2:Yeah, I do.

00:22:22Guest 5:Terrible joke.

00:22:23Guest 5:But no, I was going to write a check.

00:22:24Marc:Yeah?

00:22:25Guest 5:Yeah, but I don't have it here.

00:22:27Marc:Why don't you just do what everyone else does and go to the link on WTFpod.com and hit the donate button.

00:22:33Guest 5:How much are you getting?

00:22:34Marc:Well, you can be a monthly subscriber, which means it's still a donation, but we'll take $10 off your credit card every month.

00:22:41Marc:Or you can donate a one-time donation, whatever you choose.

00:22:45Marc:Most people are donating $500 to $1,000.

00:22:48Pfft.

00:22:50Guest 6:I would have really believed that if Megan had not laughed.

00:22:53Guest 6:Oh, my God.

00:22:54Guest 6:People are really nice.

00:22:57Guest 6:Most people are donating.

00:22:58Guest 6:Most people.

00:23:00Guest 6:I mean, you'll get some people that only do like 300.

00:23:06Guest 2:So it's really up to you.

00:23:07Guest 2:Okay.

00:23:08Guest 2:I'm giving you a sentence.

00:23:09Guest 5:So I'll just do the average.

00:23:11Guest 5:I'll do probably about 800.

00:23:12Guest 5:That's about right.

00:23:13Guest 5:I can't do five.

00:23:14Marc:Okay, yeah, because then you'd be just like everyone else.

00:23:16Guest 5:And I'd definitely get into 1,000 for the economy, so probably 800.

00:23:19Marc:Okay, that'd be great.

00:23:20Marc:Yeah, just go to wtfpod.com and hit donate.

00:23:23Marc:Okay.

00:23:23Marc:And you know what?

00:23:24Marc:For that amount of money, I'll send you a T-shirt when I get them made.

00:23:27Guest 5:You don't have any t-shirts yet?

00:23:28Marc:I don't know how to run a business.

00:23:30Marc:I don't have an assistant.

00:23:31Guest 5:T-shirts are easy.

00:23:32Marc:I know, but I had to have a guy design them, and then I had to have someone make them.

00:23:35Guest 5:You know, I've made over 500 jumpers, baby jumpers, with one with my face on it, and the other one with something I thought was really not very funny, but at least would sell in baby stores.

00:23:52Guest 5:And...

00:23:52Guest 5:Did it?

00:23:53Guest 5:No, they're in boxes in my... I have 1,000 baby jumpers.

00:23:57Guest 5:What'd you put on it?

00:23:58Guest 5:I'm embarrassed to say.

00:24:00Guest 5:The baby jumper with my face on it, I give to friends who have babies.

00:24:03Guest 5:Right.

00:24:04Guest 5:It looks like a child molester's face.

00:24:05Marc:Yeah.

00:24:06Marc:And it's just funny... Is that to scare off child molesters?

00:24:08Guest 5:Like this one's taken?

00:24:09Guest 5:I never thought of it that way.

00:24:11Guest 6:That's right.

00:24:11Guest 5:Hey, I've already got one.

00:24:14Guest 5:You know?

00:24:15Guest 5:Yeah.

00:24:15Guest 5:But... And then the other one is so embarrassing.

00:24:18Guest 5:I can't... But I...

00:24:20Guest 5:um what what does it say it says uh oh i'm too embarrassed i can't say it i'm actually blushing really yeah you printed it on baby jumpers i know but i printed it because i wanted my brother to um i kind of came up with this idea and i knew he would never get the jumpers made so i got the jumpers made i'm like greg go to like fancy baby stores in austin and sell these yeah so you were doing this to to get your brother's business started

00:24:47Guest 5:I was trying to get him... I was trying to see if... Yes, I was trying to get something going for him.

00:24:51Marc:And what was on the baby jumper?

00:24:54Guest 5:Come on, Zach.

00:24:54Guest 5:I mean... It says... Go ahead.

00:24:58Guest 5:I'm so embarrassed.

00:24:58Guest 5:Go ahead.

00:25:00Guest 5:It says, don't even think about pulling my finger.

00:25:04Guest 2:yeah does it really was that much stupid taken and you decided i know i know it's so embarrassing on so many levels how many do you have 500 what are you gonna do with them they're in a closet why don't you just bring half are in north carolina and i think some are in brooklyn why don't you just give them to goodwill give them to homeless babies yeah um

00:25:28Guest 5:I will give them away.

00:25:31Guest 5:I have to give them away.

00:25:33Guest 5:This business venture is not working out.

00:25:35Guest 5:Did the other ones work out for your brother?

00:25:37Guest 5:The one with my face on it?

00:25:38Guest 5:Yeah.

00:25:38Guest 5:Oh, I just give those away to friends.

00:25:40Guest 5:He has nothing to do with those jumpers.

00:25:42Marc:You just left your brother hanging?

00:25:43Marc:So what's he up to?

00:25:43Guest 5:Well, he's trying to get a cookie business off the ground.

00:25:47Guest 5:He makes these really delicious cookies.

00:25:49Guest 5:Yeah.

00:25:50Guest 5:All natural.

00:25:51Guest 5:Very, very delicious.

00:25:54Guest 5:But hopefully he'll get that off the ground because I kind of let him down with the onesie.

00:26:00Marc:Is that the only time you've let your brother down?

00:26:03Guest 5:No, I'm sure there's been many times.

00:26:11Marc:Is he older or younger?

00:26:12Guest 5:He's younger.

00:26:13Guest 5:Older, kind of.

00:26:14Marc:He's older?

00:26:15Guest 5:Chronologically, he's older.

00:26:16Marc:Mentally, he's younger.

00:26:17Marc:Did he beat up on you a bit?

00:26:18Marc:A lot.

00:26:19Marc:All right, so he's got it coming.

00:26:20Guest 5:No, no, no.

00:26:21Marc:Okay.

00:26:22Guest 5:My brother's like the most beautiful person.

00:26:24Marc:Oh, okay.

00:26:24Guest 5:Sorry.

00:26:25Guest 5:He's so jovial.

00:26:27Guest 5:He's really funny.

00:26:28Guest 5:He laughs constantly.

00:26:32Marc:Sounds like you should be selling cookies.

00:26:34Marc:I should.

00:26:34Guest 5:He should be in the movies.

00:26:36Guest 5:He should be.

00:26:36Guest 5:Everybody says that.

00:26:37Guest 5:I mean, everybody said it growing up.

00:26:39Marc:It seems like he was the center of tension.

00:26:40Marc:Soon you'll be able to help him out in that area.

00:26:42Guest 5:with what cookies no movies my dad's in this movie really does he have a trailer should we go no he didn't have a trailer but he had a scene he had a scene whose idea was that i thought he was i asked the director if my dad could be in the background and then somehow my dad finagled his way it became this it was kind of hard what did he what did he play you know he's a lot of actors that would like to have any he played a guy in line

00:27:08Marc:That's a tough role, too, for a new actor.

00:27:12Marc:Guy in line.

00:27:12Marc:Yeah.

00:27:13Marc:Did he ham it up?

00:27:15Guest 5:Well, what he did is he researched.

00:27:17Guest 5:He went and stood in lines.

00:27:19Guest 5:Look at Six Flags.

00:27:20Guest 5:Uh-huh.

00:27:21Marc:So he had it?

00:27:22Marc:Did he nail it?

00:27:22Guest 5:Portion clinics.

00:27:24Guest 5:Really?

00:27:25Guest 5:I don't know why I did that.

00:27:25Marc:It's an interesting choice.

00:27:27Marc:Yeah.

00:27:27Marc:I would think there's other lines to stand in.

00:27:28Marc:I would go with bank, perhaps supermarket.

00:27:32Guest 5:He never thought about banks.

00:27:33Marc:He just went to Six Flags and an abortion clinic.

00:27:35Marc:Yeah.

00:27:35Marc:Huh.

00:27:36Marc:So I see where you get it, the sort of absurd, funny, weird thing.

00:27:40Guest 5:My dad is weird.

00:27:42Guest 5:My dad is extremely weird.

00:27:43Marc:He might be the weirdest, but... Doesn't he own a supermarket or something?

00:27:47Marc:No.

00:27:47Guest 5:Oh.

00:27:47Guest 5:He has gas stations.

00:27:49Guest 5:He has gas stations?

00:27:49Guest 5:He did.

00:27:50Marc:He was also, you know, oil... Galifianakis, no restaurants?

00:27:53No.

00:27:53Guest 5:When he was younger, he and his brothers had restaurants.

00:27:59Marc:That's sort of a rites of passage for Greek people.

00:28:02Guest 5:Yeah.

00:28:02Guest 5:My grandfather moved.

00:28:03Guest 5:When they moved, they opened up an all-black cafe in Durham, North Carolina called the Lincoln Cafe.

00:28:09Guest 5:They all cooked and worked there.

00:28:12Marc:But did they not come out from the kitchen?

00:28:14Marc:Did they hire a black person to... To cook?

00:28:18Marc:No, to run the register so the black people wouldn't get mad that it was just a bunch of Greek guys.

00:28:23Marc:Did you say all black?

00:28:24Guest 5:Yeah, it was like, I'm not saying that there was like laws, obviously, but yeah, it was catered to, not catered, it was just a black neighborhood.

00:28:35Guest 7:Oh.

00:28:36Guest 5:So my dad, like, you know, he grew up in the restaurant business.

00:28:42Guest 5:And then my uncle told me this story growing up in the South.

00:28:45Guest 5:My dad's side of the family, they're dark.

00:28:48Guest 5:What does that mean?

00:28:49Guest 5:Well, they have, you know, the Greek.

00:28:50Guest 5:Oh, yeah.

00:28:51Guest 5:They're not, you know, unfair.

00:28:52Guest 5:Yeah, how'd that happen?

00:28:53Guest 5:Is your mom Irish?

00:28:54Guest 4:Just got lucky.

00:28:54Guest 5:Oh.

00:28:56Guest 5:My mom is.

00:28:57Guest 5:Irish?

00:28:57Guest 5:Yeah.

00:28:57Guest 5:Okay.

00:28:58Okay.

00:28:59Guest 5:Irish French.

00:29:00Guest 5:But the story, my uncle Mike told me that in the 50s he would get really, in the summer he would get really tan.

00:29:06Guest 5:Dark eyes, dark skin.

00:29:09Guest 5:And in the 50s he... Scan the mic, Zach.

00:29:12Marc:You remember.

00:29:14Guest 5:He sat on the front of the bus in Durham, North Carolina.

00:29:17Guest 5:Yeah.

00:29:18Guest 5:And the bus driver stops and goes, hey boy, you have to sit in the back.

00:29:24Guest 5:And my uncle goes, why?

00:29:26Guest 5:Why?

00:29:26Guest 5:He goes, because you're a Negro, you have to sit in the back of the bus.

00:29:29Guest 5:And my uncle goes, I'm not black.

00:29:33Guest 5:And the bus driver goes, well, what are you?

00:29:36Guest 5:And my uncle goes, I'm Greek.

00:29:39Guest 5:And the bus driver says, you can't ride the bus.

00:29:46Guest 6:Yeah.

00:29:46Guest 6:I mean, it's the story I've heard, you know.

00:29:48Guest 6:I just love it.

00:29:49Guest 6:Did you really?

00:29:49Guest 6:Yeah, that's what I hear.

00:29:51Guest 6:My uncle swears up and down by it.

00:29:55Guest 2:And he loves telling that story, doesn't he?

00:29:56Guest 5:He loves it.

00:29:57Guest 5:Yeah, I love that story.

00:29:58Guest 5:It's just so funny to me.

00:30:00Guest 2:How are you going to be here?

00:30:02Guest 5:Start work September 15th.

00:30:03Guest 5:Done December 9th.

00:30:06Marc:So another month you're here?

00:30:08Guest 5:Oh, no, no, no.

00:30:10Guest 5:We go from here to Las Vegas, New Mexico.

00:30:14Guest 5:Exciting.

00:30:15Guest 5:I've already been.

00:30:16Guest 5:Wednesday.

00:30:17Guest 5:Then we go to green Canyon for a couple of days, then LA till the ninth.

00:30:21Marc:Let's talk about, um,

00:30:24Marc:The one movie that I thought you were interesting in, I mean, no, I mean, no, I like all you.

00:30:32Guest 5:No, the truth came out.

00:30:33Guest 6:No, they didn't.

00:30:34Guest 6:The one movie, you are the worst complimenter.

00:30:42Guest 6:So tactless.

00:30:44Guest 5:Okay, Zach, get ready.

00:30:45Guest 5:Here comes a really big compliment.

00:30:48Guest 5:There was a scene in a movie that was not too embarrassing for you.

00:30:54Okay.

00:30:54Guest 5:What is it?

00:30:55Guest 5:I am curious to know what this could possibly be because of your taste.

00:30:58Guest 2:I thought you were very funny.

00:31:00Guest 2:Corky Romano?

00:31:01Guest 2:No, I didn't even see that.

00:31:02Guest 2:Were you in that?

00:31:03Guest 5:Yeah.

00:31:05Guest 2:Okay.

00:31:05Guest 2:What movie could you possibly be talking about?

00:31:08Guest 2:Into the Wild.

00:31:09Guest 5:Well, yeah, that's a good movie.

00:31:11Marc:Well, I mean, it's a long movie, but it's a pretty movie.

00:31:14Marc:It's pretty.

00:31:14Marc:And I thought that you made interesting choices.

00:31:18Marc:I thought that it seemed to me that you were going out of your way to create, to act, and not just react or be funny.

00:31:27Marc:Right.

00:31:28Marc:That was a whole...

00:31:29Marc:Like you were kind of a disturbing, you didn't have a lot of screen time, but you're very, it was sort of a disturbing character.

00:31:35Guest 3:Really?

00:31:36Marc:Well, I mean, he was sexually frustrated and a little angry.

00:31:38Marc:Oh, right.

00:31:39Marc:Yeah.

00:31:40Marc:Kind of bizarre.

00:31:40Marc:Cause then the first scene in the bar I was watching, I'm like, you know, cause I'm always like, you know, what's that going to do with this?

00:31:46Marc:And, uh, and he sort of kind of like kept it kind of compressed and it was a little disturbing.

00:31:51Guest 5:thank you i think um no but you know the director of this movie todd phillips who did the hangover yeah i'll walk to set he goes you're not needed in this this scene nobody's tripping on a banana peel like he'll say stuff i think shit like that's hilarious i like i i like to be made fun of like it doesn't really if it's done cleverly i like to i like it because i like to make fun of other people so um so you figure it's like you got it coming

00:32:14Guest 5:Yeah, it really doesn't bother me as long as it's done with a sense of art to it.

00:32:19Guest 5:But that whole Into the Wild didn't work on it much, but I just saw a guy in town when I went to South Dakota, and I just kind of copied this guy.

00:32:30Marc:Yeah.

00:32:30Guest 5:That's all I did.

00:32:31Marc:Right.

00:32:32Guest 5:It was pretty easy.

00:32:33Guest 5:It was intimidating because it was directed by Sean Penn, and it was kind of hard to... And I didn't have any lines.

00:32:40Guest 5:I said...

00:32:41Guest 5:My character doesn't have any lines in the script.

00:32:42Guest 5:He goes, I know you've got to make them up.

00:32:44Guest 5:Everybody else had lines.

00:32:46Marc:Is he a nice guy?

00:32:48Marc:Yeah.

00:32:49Guest 5:I like him.

00:32:50Marc:Intense?

00:32:52Guest 5:I never really found him to... He's a big laugher.

00:32:56Guest 5:He likes jokes.

00:32:58Guest 5:He laughed so hard once at something I said.

00:33:02Guest 5:Then he called me from Italy and kind of reminded me... That he was laughing still?

00:33:08Guest 5:Yeah.

00:33:08Guest 5:basically like like eight months later he goes remember the thing i was like yeah that's my joke and uh what happened was actually one of your jokes no it was just i think i think it was off the top of my head at the time no i wasn't reciting my jokes but what happened was he and i were driving back from a scene we were done with work and we were going back to we were staying at a hunting lodge yeah and um one of the um

00:33:35Guest 5:Extras in the movie.

00:33:36Guest 5:She was big.

00:33:37Guest 5:She was big.

00:33:38Marc:Yeah.

00:33:39Marc:How big?

00:33:40Marc:Like big?

00:33:40Guest 5:She was a healthy...

00:33:43Guest 5:Good eater.

00:33:43Guest 5:She was a good eater, as my dad says, poetically.

00:33:47Marc:So she wasn't obese.

00:33:48Marc:She was a good eater.

00:33:48Guest 5:No, she was big.

00:33:51Guest 5:Okay.

00:33:51Marc:No, she was obese.

00:33:53Marc:Okay.

00:33:53Guest 5:So anyway, that just has nothing to do really.

00:33:55Marc:Anyway, so Sean... That was unnecessary setup?

00:33:58Guest 5:No, no, no.

00:33:58Guest 5:Okay.

00:34:00Guest 5:And let's call this woman Tiffany.

00:34:03Marc:Okay.

00:34:04Guest 5:I was dancing with her in the scene and...

00:34:07Guest 5:So we were just kind of talking about me dancing with her and, you know, where my hand placement was.

00:34:14Guest 5:We were just kind of laughing about it.

00:34:16Guest 5:Yeah.

00:34:18Guest 5:Quiet, quiet, quiet.

00:34:19Guest 5:Going through South Dakota.

00:34:23Guest 5:And then... Yeah.

00:34:26Guest 3:Hello, how's it going?

00:34:27Hey.

00:34:28Guest 3:You don't mind if I pump some water, do you?

00:34:31Guest 5:Uh... Oh, that's okay.

00:34:33Guest 5:Can you do it?

00:34:33Guest 5:Do you have to do it right now?

00:34:34Guest 5:We're just doing an interview.

00:34:35Guest 5:I'll let you know.

00:34:37Guest 5:No, I'm fine.

00:34:39Guest 5:Okay.

00:34:41Guest 5:Thank you.

00:34:41Marc:Sure.

00:34:41Marc:That's not as good as Robert Downey Jr.

00:34:43Marc:You seem to... Like he's walking away going, Prima Donna, fucking... No, I just didn't want him to be... No, I know.

00:34:49Guest 5:He's going to make a ton of noise over your thing.

00:34:50Marc:What does he mean he has to pump water?

00:34:52Guest 5:They come in and... I don't know.

00:34:54Guest 5:They always like to fiddle with the trash.

00:34:55Marc:All right, so you're dancing with the fat girl.

00:34:56Guest 5:Yeah, so we talked about her.

00:35:01Marc:You and Sean Penn.

00:35:02Guest 5:Yes.

00:35:03Guest 5:Silence, nighttime in South Dakota, and I went, did you hear about Halliburton?

00:35:12Guest 5:And he's like, you know, he's politically minded.

00:35:15Guest 5:They are building...

00:35:20Guest 5:tiffany a sandwich it's a no-bid contract for a meatball sub now it was the timing of it because he thought i was ready to have a political discussion right and i go back to this thing he laughed so hard that and then he made me retell it when we got back to the hunting lodge which never works it wasn't in the moment

00:35:43Marc:Because everyone's set up.

00:35:44Marc:I know.

00:35:45Guest 5:I'm like, Sean, you can't.

00:35:46Guest 5:It doesn't rock this way.

00:35:48Guest 5:You might be a great actor, but you have to trust me.

00:35:51Guest 5:So then he called me from Italy, and he had stated the joke again.

00:35:57Guest 5:But I haven't talked to him in a long time.

00:36:00Guest 2:So where are you living?

00:36:01Guest 2:Then we'll wrap things up.

00:36:02Guest 2:Do you need to eat?

00:36:03Guest 2:No, I'm not going to eat.

00:36:04Guest 2:Hold on one second.

00:36:05Guest 2:Hold on, podcast.

00:36:10Marc:Give me one of the Robert Downey Jr.

00:36:11Marc:special waters.

00:36:14Marc:What is it?

00:36:15Guest 4:It's extra... I don't know.

00:36:17Marc:Extra Hydration Technology Water.

00:36:18Guest 4:Yeah, and it's from Idaho.

00:36:21Marc:This looks like a prop from the Iron Man movie.

00:36:24Guest 5:That he just... So, Robert and I, like I said, he went out to eat with my family the night.

00:36:31Guest 5:He did?

00:36:32Guest 5:Yeah, it was my birthday, so... When was your birthday?

00:36:34Guest 5:October 1st.

00:36:35Marc:Happy birthday.

00:36:35Guest 5:Thank you.

00:36:36Guest 5:How old are you?

00:36:36Guest 5:46?

00:36:37Guest 5:I just turned 40.

00:36:38Guest 5:I just turned 40.

00:36:40Guest 2:You okay with it?

00:36:42Guest 5:I don't care about that stuff.

00:36:43Guest 5:It doesn't bother me.

00:36:44Marc:Yeah.

00:36:45Marc:I don't think about it.

00:36:46Marc:Well, we're lucky we've got all our hair.

00:36:48Guest 5:That's the good thing.

00:36:48Guest 5:And I'm in pretty good shape.

00:36:50Guest 5:Yeah, you're in great shape, Mark.

00:36:52Guest 5:Let me tell you.

00:36:53Guest 5:Gain a few extra pounds, you can be in the movies.

00:36:56Guest 5:It's all it takes.

00:36:57Guest 5:Anybody can do this shit.

00:36:59Marc:It's so easy.

00:37:00Marc:I'm good to do it.

00:37:00Guest 5:Yeah, but you have to let your body go.

00:37:01Guest 5:That's the... Right.

00:37:04Guest 5:So, Robert...

00:37:05Guest 5:My cousin is a quadriplegic and he's also a lawyer.

00:37:09Guest 5:So he's in a wheelchair, obviously.

00:37:11Guest 5:And I said,

00:37:16Guest 5:Iron Man meet Iron Sides.

00:37:20Guest 5:It was a big laugh.

00:37:21Guest 6:It was a very big laugh.

00:37:22Guest 6:I was very proud of that one.

00:37:25Guest 6:I was very, very proud.

00:37:26Guest 6:And that's one of those things you can't do on stage.

00:37:28Guest 6:Like, you can't go, one time I said... But you brought up Iron Man, so I thought... That would be so funny.

00:37:35Guest 6:If you went on stage and go, there was this one time that I said...

00:37:40Guest 6:Oh, my God.

00:37:41Guest 6:I can never remember that.

00:37:42Guest 6:That's a good character.

00:37:44Guest 6:Just things that are so specific and it's not that funny to an audience sitting there.

00:37:53Guest 5:What were you talking about?

00:37:55Guest 5:Oh, you asked me a question.

00:37:56Guest 5:Yeah, where are you living?

00:37:57Guest 5:I live in Brooklyn in North Carolina.

00:38:00Guest 5:I'm tired of cities, though.

00:38:01Guest 5:I don't know.

00:38:01Guest 5:I don't want to.

00:38:02Guest 5:I like to be in North Carolina.

00:38:04Marc:Didn't you buy a ranch?

00:38:06Guest 5:I have a farm.

00:38:07Guest 5:Yeah.

00:38:07Marc:What do you grow on the farm?

00:38:08Guest 5:I have apple trees, grapes, uh, who's taking care of pumpkins.

00:38:14Marc:Yeah.

00:38:15Guest 5:There's this, um, there's this 14 year old girl named Caitlin who, when I talk about her, it, it sounds so creepy because you know, anytime a 40 year old talks about a 14 year old, you can't say it, but she's like the coolest, uh,

00:38:31Guest 5:This is a slippery slope.

00:38:34Guest 5:She rides her horse bareback.

00:38:37Guest 5:To me, that's really clutch.

00:38:40Marc:She sprints with it.

00:38:41Marc:Can I just say be careful?

00:38:42Guest 5:Why?

00:38:43Guest 5:Because the way you're talking, it's dangerous.

00:38:47Guest 5:I understand that.

00:38:48Guest 5:There's nothing you can say without it.

00:38:52Guest 5:It's genuine.

00:38:53Guest 5:I really think she's great.

00:38:54Guest 5:It's a weird dynamic.

00:38:57Guest 5:The math is bad.

00:38:57Marc:Let me explain what I'm saying.

00:38:59Marc:Is that you admire this person.

00:39:00Marc:She sounds like a wonderful, interesting person.

00:39:02Marc:She is.

00:39:03Marc:Okay.

00:39:04Marc:And, you know, one day you're on the farm, you're eating apples.

00:39:07Marc:And the two of you are eating apples.

00:39:08Marc:Maybe you've had some beer you made.

00:39:10Guest 6:That I gave to a 14-year-old.

00:39:11Marc:Yeah.

00:39:12Guest 6:Okay.

00:39:12Marc:Of course.

00:39:13Marc:That happens.

00:39:14Marc:Yeah.

00:39:14Marc:Okay.

00:39:15Guest 6:Hey, Caitlin.

00:39:16Marc:You want to come down for a beer?

00:39:17Marc:Have you tried beer?

00:39:21Guest 6:Okay.

00:39:21Guest 6:So I like how you're making it a lot.

00:39:22Guest 6:Okay.

00:39:23Guest 6:Go ahead.

00:39:23Guest 6:This is not okay to talk about, but...

00:39:25Marc:no i'm just saying that i'm just saying that like poetically admiring somebody i'm just saying you know keep your boundaries in check that's all you're a big celebrity i'm not my whole point is see the fact that you're even saying that and i have to go well wait a minute i'm just saying that she's a 14 year old girl who rides bareback down to my farm you're going way what whoa buddy do you know how many people have said that on the witness stand

00:39:50Guest 2:I know it sounds terrible.

00:39:51Guest 2:I mean, what am I going to say?

00:39:52Guest 2:I detracted you.

00:39:53Guest 2:Is she taking care of the farm?

00:39:55Guest 5:She's taking care of the farm.

00:39:55Guest 5:Okay.

00:39:56Guest 5:And she's, there's really nothing to take care of.

00:40:00Marc:Is she living out back?

00:40:02Guest 5:No, she lives, her and her mom live up the road a couple miles.

00:40:06Marc:And this is in North Carolina?

00:40:07Marc:Yeah.

00:40:07Marc:Oh, that's nice.

00:40:09Marc:So you have grapes, pumpkins, and apples?

00:40:11Guest 5:Everything right now except for the apples is kind of experimental.

00:40:15Guest 5:The pumpkins took this year.

00:40:16Guest 5:The blueberries, I'm going to plant 100 of them next season.

00:40:23Guest 5:Blackberries grow wild, obviously.

00:40:26Guest 5:And then the grapes, I don't know yet.

00:40:29Guest 5:I don't know if they're going to make it.

00:40:31Marc:This is apple time now.

00:40:33Guest 5:Apple time is harvest has passed, but these apple trees are not exciting.

00:40:38Guest 5:They're for cooking.

00:40:39Guest 5:They're not.

00:40:40Guest 5:I got to get a lot of trees, but I'm getting goats.

00:40:42Guest 5:I have a 10 acres fenced in and I should be getting the goats in the next.

00:40:50Guest 5:Well, I said that a year ago, but hopefully before spring.

00:40:53Marc:Can I ask you a question?

00:40:54Guest 5:I'm not going to fuck them.

00:40:56Marc:Okay.

00:40:57Marc:So keep your keep cool around the goats and around the girl and you'll be all right.

00:41:02Guest 5:Thank you, Mark.

00:41:04Guest 5:Why are you giving me that look?

00:41:06Guest 5:I just had this terrible thing that Caitlin Googled my name one day and it runs across your podcast.

00:41:15Guest 5:It's on me.

00:41:16Guest 5:Right.

00:41:16Guest 5:Caitlin, forget it.

00:41:18Guest 5:She doesn't even know what the internet is, hopefully.

00:41:22Guest 5:You said that.

00:41:26Marc:I didn't mean to.

00:41:27Marc:Can I just apologize for insinuating anything that made you uncomfortable?

00:41:31Guest 5:What it is is that when people go, why do you get so defensive?

00:41:35Guest 5:I get defensive because it's like, you know when people use that excuse, like, why are you getting so defensive?

00:41:40Marc:Yeah.

00:41:40Marc:After they just said something horrible.

00:41:42Guest 5:Because I'm trying to defend myself.

00:41:43Marc:Yeah.

00:41:44Guest 5:You're assuming things.

00:41:45Guest 5:People think that that's an argument.

00:41:46Guest 5:Why are you getting so defensive?

00:41:48Guest 5:I hate that so much.

00:41:51Marc:For the record, I didn't say that.

00:41:53Guest 5:I mean, you got to see these jeans she wears.

00:41:55Marc:Oh, here we go.

00:41:58Guest 5:But so, goats hopefully soon, and then... Why goats?

00:42:02Marc:Who the fuck?

00:42:03Marc:What are you going to do with goats?

00:42:04Marc:Well... Do you like goat cheese?

00:42:05Marc:Do you like goat milk?

00:42:06Marc:Do you want to cut them up and make goats stew?

00:42:07Guest 5:These aren't dairy goats.

00:42:09Marc:What kind of goats are they?

00:42:10Guest 5:Meat goats, but they're not for... They're for clearing the land first, and then I'll get cows and horses.

00:42:17Guest 5:There's two horses there now.

00:42:19Marc:So you're going to buy a bunch of goats to clear the land, then you're going to eat them?

00:42:22Guest 5:No.

00:42:23Marc:You'll let them go in the city?

00:42:25Guest 5:The city?

00:42:26Marc:I don't know.

00:42:26Marc:Yeah, I'll drive them up to... All I know is I got a phone call from a drunk lady two weeks ago that can't get rid of 13 alpacas.

00:42:32Marc:And you're going to get goats.

00:42:33Marc:What?

00:42:33Marc:You want some alpacas?

00:42:34Guest 5:Those are expensive.

00:42:35Marc:You want to buy some alpacas?

00:42:37Marc:Well, you said give them away.

00:42:38Marc:Which is it?

00:42:39Marc:I'll put you in touch with her.

00:42:40Marc:Where is she?

00:42:41Marc:She's in Santa Cruz.

00:42:42Marc:They had this big idea.

00:42:43Marc:She's got a farm down there.

00:42:44Marc:They make wine and juice and jam and all kinds of shit.

00:42:47Marc:And she's a fan of mine.

00:42:49Marc:And sometimes she calls me drunk.

00:42:51Marc:And I don't know why.

00:42:52Marc:I gave my number out on my Break Room Live show because of you.

00:42:56Marc:I left a message for you on your phone while I was on camera.

00:43:01Marc:And gave my number.

00:43:02Marc:I remember when we had that spat over nothing.

00:43:04Marc:Yeah, it was ridiculous.

00:43:06Marc:And and and half of my fans have the phone number and they're all very polite.

00:43:10Marc:But occasionally she calls me drunk and says and tells me about her problems.

00:43:14Marc:And one of them is that she bought a bunch of alpacas and doesn't know what to do with them.

00:43:18Guest 5:Alpacas are very easy to take care of.

00:43:20Guest 5:I mean, she has to build a fence.

00:43:21Guest 5:No, they're not in her house.

00:43:23Guest 5:I know, but maybe the fencing's the problem because they're very easy to take care of, alpacas, from what I understand.

00:43:28Marc:Okay, I'll tell her that.

00:43:29Marc:So do you want them or no?

00:43:30Guest 5:Where's Santa Cruz?

00:43:32Marc:In California.

00:43:32Guest 5:Oh, Santa Cruz, California.

00:43:34Marc:It'd be a schlep for the alpacas.

00:43:36Guest 5:Yeah, I mean, I'm going to herd them across...

00:43:38Marc:That would be a good movie.

00:43:39Marc:Let's do a documentary of me filming you herding a... What do you call it?

00:43:48Marc:That's H-E-A-R.

00:43:49Marc:H-E-R-D.

00:43:50Marc:That hurts me.

00:43:51Marc:What did you call it?

00:43:51Marc:A flock of alpacas across country.

00:43:55Marc:Let's go pitch that to Todd right now.

00:43:58Guest 5:Bobby Tisdell and I used to go shepherding through Central Park where we would dress as shepherds and walk around with canes.

00:44:03Guest 5:Bobby.

00:44:04Guest 5:Yeah.

00:44:04Guest 5:we used to go shepherding i would love to do that i would love to you know it's funny they bring it up because i've been thinking about walking across the united states for a while now hitchhiking you know yeah i used to hitchhike all the time and uh i don't know it just doesn't i used to have a i used to hitchhike and carry a sign that says i don't have a gun and people would pick me up well probably now you'd want to bring somebody with you

00:44:29Marc:To negotiate the ride.

00:44:35Guest 2:All right.

00:44:35Guest 5:Like an agent.

00:44:36Guest 2:Yeah.

00:44:37Guest 5:Okay.

00:44:37Guest 2:That's a good idea.

00:44:37Guest 5:A hitchhiking agent.

00:44:38Guest 5:Kind of takes the fun out of it.

00:44:39Guest 5:He's my hitchhiking agent.

00:44:41Marc:Talk to him.

00:44:41Marc:He's at Gersh.

00:44:44Marc:But no, you've got enough visibility now.

00:44:46Marc:You're not going to want to be doing that kind of stuff.

00:44:48Marc:I'm sorry, but that's the price of celebrity.

00:44:50Marc:You can't hitchhike or walk across the country by yourself.

00:44:54Guest 5:I think Robert was telling me that he knows a mask maker.

00:44:59Marc:That would be awesome.

00:44:59Guest 5:That people use to go out in public.

00:45:01Marc:Is that true?

00:45:03Guest 5:He alluded to it, but I thought maybe he was joking with me, so I didn't ask a lot of questions.

00:45:06Guest 5:But I think he was being serious.

00:45:08Guest 5:I'll definitely follow up on that, because that would be amazing.

00:45:11Guest 2:It's Halloween, too, today.

00:45:13Guest 5:Yeah, but this guy will take your mold of your face with Robert's, and he will alter it so you can look like somebody else.

00:45:20Marc:But when people say, why are you wearing a mask?

00:45:23Guest 5:No, I think it's like a – it looks so – it's not a mask.

00:45:26Guest 5:It's a – So you have to put it on.

00:45:27Guest 5:It's like a prosthetic type of thing.

00:45:29Guest 5:Like you could alter your forehead or something like that.

00:45:32Marc:That's exciting.

00:45:33Marc:Let's do that documentary.

00:45:34Marc:Wait, wait, wait.

00:45:35Guest 5:Can't we combine the two?

00:45:36Guest 5:Alpacas?

00:45:37Guest 5:It's called Alpaca in Disguise.

00:45:39Guest 5:Yes.

00:45:40Guest 5:No, it's –

00:45:42Guest 5:I'll get a mask of Pol Pot or Idi Amin.

00:45:48Marc:Okay, okay.

00:45:49Marc:Idi Amin mask.

00:45:50Guest 5:And then walk across the United States and try to hitchhike.

00:45:53Marc:I think that's probably misinterpreted as being a little racist.

00:45:56Marc:Why?

00:45:56Marc:Especially if you made your hands black, too.

00:45:59Marc:Because it's kind of blackface, isn't it?

00:46:02Guest 5:Oh, well, I don't know about that, but, I mean, I'm definitely not doing black hands.

00:46:07Marc:So you're just going to have an Idi Amin face done by a professional prosthetic face maker.

00:46:11Guest 5:And wear a tank top.

00:46:12Marc:We'll have the alpacas.

00:46:14Marc:Yeah.

00:46:15Marc:And we'll hitchhike with the alpacas.

00:46:17Guest 5:Yeah.

00:46:18Marc:That seems reasonable.

00:46:19Guest 5:I don't consider it blackface.

00:46:20Guest 5:It's just a mask.

00:46:21Marc:Okay.

00:46:22Guest 5:It didn't be Pol Pot.

00:46:22Guest 5:What are you going to say?

00:46:23Guest 5:I was going to Idi Amin.

00:46:25Marc:Pol Pot was Vietnamese.

00:46:27Guest 5:Vietnamese face?

00:46:28Marc:I think that would be all right.

00:46:30Guest 3:Why is that all right?

00:46:32Marc:Huh?

00:46:33Guest 3:But why is that all right?

00:46:34Marc:Because there was never a Vietnamese minstrelsy theater operation.

00:46:39Guest 5:Obviously, you didn't.

00:46:40Guest 5:We were never in the basement when I grew up.

00:46:44Guest 5:Oh, so you think.

00:46:45Guest 5:Oh, OK.

00:46:46Guest 5:Well, that makes sense.

00:46:48Guest 5:That makes sense.

00:46:49Marc:You're saying because of the... What we're saying is we're in a creative discussion about a documentary we're going to shoot, and we just shot a couple ideas out, and nothing's on paper or permanent yet, and we can grow it.

00:46:58Marc:But we do know that it's going to involve you getting a prosthetic face and taking Joy's alpacas across country.

00:47:04Marc:Okay, done.

00:47:05Guest 5:But not blackface.

00:47:06Guest 5:I don't want to insinuate that blackface... That's an idea that came and went.

00:47:10Marc:It was a discussion we had.

00:47:12Marc:We didn't commit to it.

00:47:13Marc:It's behind us.

00:47:14Marc:Right, okay.

00:47:15Marc:So we good?

00:47:17Guest 5:There's got to be somebody other than Idi Amin.

00:47:19Guest 5:I know what he looks like.

00:47:20Marc:There's got to be somebody other than Idi Amin.

00:47:23Guest 5:That's the name of the documentary.

00:47:26Marc:Got any other ideas that I can be part of?

00:47:28Guest 5:Documentary or just movie ideas?

00:47:31Marc:Anything for me.

00:47:33Marc:What do you see me as doing?

00:47:34Guest 5:You know, I've told you this before, and this is what you should do.

00:47:37Mm-hmm.

00:47:38Guest 5:You should... I don't know how to say this without... I've told you before that you should be on 60 Minutes.

00:47:48Guest 5:They should get rid of that old guy.

00:47:49Marc:And put me on.

00:47:51Marc:Andy Rooney.

00:47:52Marc:A few minutes with Marc Maron.

00:47:53Marc:Absolutely.

00:47:54Marc:What about keys?

00:47:56Marc:How many keys do we need?

00:47:57Marc:I've got keys.

00:47:58Marc:I don't even know what they do anymore.

00:48:00Marc:Like, look at this one.

00:48:01Marc:What does this key do?

00:48:02Marc:I don't even think I have this for my car anymore.

00:48:04Guest 3:What about these keys that are always on Van Nuys?

00:48:07Marc:Yeah.

00:48:08Guest 5:You get that?

00:48:08Guest 5:Keys, keys, keys, keys on Van Nuys?

00:48:10Guest 5:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:11Guest 5:Sorry.

00:48:12Marc:I don't even know how this got on my ring.

00:48:13Guest 5:No, I'm more serious.

00:48:14Guest 5:Okay, I'll give you a topic.

00:48:16Guest 5:Well, keys was pretty good.

00:48:18Guest 5:Give me a topic.

00:48:18Guest 5:I don't know how you can beat keys.

00:48:20Guest 5:What bugs me?

00:48:21Guest 5:Okay, this what bugs me.

00:48:23Guest 5:No, I'm not going to do one.

00:48:24Guest 5:I'm going to hand it off to you because it drives me crazy.

00:48:27Guest 5:Okay.

00:48:28Guest 5:And I would never be able to do this in an act.

00:48:30Marc:I've actually got another one.

00:48:32Marc:Go ahead.

00:48:33Marc:How is a hand dryer in a bathroom better than towels?

00:48:37Marc:I'm old school.

00:48:38Marc:I like to take a towel, a paper towel, and dry my hands with it.

00:48:41Marc:I have no patience for a hand dryer.

00:48:44Marc:Is it going to work?

00:48:45Marc:Is it one of those ones that's supposed to go on automatically?

00:48:47Marc:And when it doesn't, you sit there for five minutes running your hand back and forth under the hand dryer, and you still leave with wet hands.

00:48:54Guest 5:It's pretty good.

00:48:57Guest 5:I don't know if you need to make it that trivial, but I was thinking more, because sometimes he goes into other political stuff.

00:49:07Guest 5:All right.

00:49:09Guest 5:Do one about, you know those moving sidewalks in airports?

00:49:13Marc:Yeah.

00:49:13Guest 5:Why do people stand on them?

00:49:17Guest 5:They're not for standing.

00:49:18Marc:Have you been to the airport recently?

00:49:20Marc:More specifically, have you been to an airport that has a moving sidewalk, which is like an escalator, only flat?

00:49:26Marc:My question is, it's supposed to be a sidewalk.

00:49:29Marc:You're supposed to continue walking, and people stop on them.

00:49:33Marc:Not only do they stop on them, but they stop on the side where you're supposed to walk through.

00:49:37Marc:It's supposed to save time, not give you an opportunity to get fat.

00:49:42Guest 5:You can throw in your keys line and go off on the keys tangent as well.

00:49:45Marc:How do I know when it's going to be done, the moving sidewalk?

00:49:48Guest 5:I can't have time to find my keys.

00:49:50Marc:Yeah.

00:49:50Guest 5:Yeah.

00:49:51Marc:I can tie two together, but I see those as two separate segments.

00:49:54Guest 5:In all seriousness, that's what I think that, you know, a news program.

00:50:01Marc:We're going to do it.

00:50:02Guest 5:Really?

00:50:02Marc:Yeah.

00:50:03Guest 5:Who's doing it?

00:50:04Guest 5:What do you mean?

00:50:05Marc:I might be working on something with Comedy Central that's along those lines.

00:50:09Marc:I think you were very helpful in developing it with me on this.

00:50:13Marc:Do I have to give you credit now?

00:50:14Guest 5:Do I need to?

00:50:16Marc:Do you want to get your agent on the phone?

00:50:18Guest 5:I don't talk to them.

00:50:19Guest 5:Yeah.

00:50:20Guest 5:bank of israel no kidding what what did you say i was there was a time where i like left him an agency and uh i don't know you go and meet like this person gonna be your agent type of thing

00:50:36Guest 5:And I always, like in the meeting, I just would mention it and never got a laugh because I think people were really uncomfortable.

00:50:45Guest 5:I was clearly joking.

00:50:46Guest 5:I'm like, so if I sign with this synagogue, do I?

00:50:51Guest 6:You know, and I would never stop to wait for the joke.

00:50:53Guest 7:I just...

00:51:01Marc:Anyway, I don't want to keep you, but... Is this Josh 1?

00:51:05Marc:Could you put Josh 2 on the phone?

00:51:10Guest 5:Oh, the Israelites.

00:51:13Guest 5:Yeah, why is that funny?

00:51:15Marc:See, why is that... People who listen to my podcast, I have some anti-Semitics who listen to it who get very annoyed with me talking about my Jewishness, so I think this is good if we talk like this.

00:51:25Guest 5:You have anti-Semitic fans that

00:51:28Marc:They won't call themselves anti-Semitic.

00:51:29Marc:What they say is like, why is you being a Jew so important to your conversations?

00:51:34Marc:I mean, why do you have to keep mentioning it?

00:51:36Guest 5:Right.

00:51:37Guest 5:I think I'm anti-Semitic because all of my best friends are self-hating Jews.

00:51:40Marc:Yeah.

00:51:41Marc:So.

00:51:42Marc:So you're just, you feel safe in doing it?

00:51:44Guest 5:You know, Greeks are Jews without money.

00:51:46Guest 5:You know that, right?

00:51:47Guest 5:You know, it's a very similar... They're dirty, though.

00:51:50Guest 5:Well, Greeks are very dirty people.

00:51:52Guest 5:Dirty.

00:51:53Guest 5:Yeah, I mean... Yeah.

00:51:56Guest 5:But it's true.

00:51:57Marc:They're both deserty and brown.

00:51:59Guest 5:There's guilt.

00:52:00Guest 5:Is there?

00:52:01Guest 5:Yes.

00:52:01Guest 5:Tons.

00:52:02Guest 5:Tons of guilt.

00:52:03Marc:What do you feel guilty about?

00:52:05Guest 5:Well, my dad just, like, you know, gives me guilt trips about not visiting and stuff.

00:52:09Guest 5:He's a very loving man, but...

00:52:11Marc:You want to visit my dad instead?

00:52:13Marc:He's down the street.

00:52:14Guest 5:Yeah, tell me about your dad.

00:52:15Guest 5:So he lives here?

00:52:16Marc:I grew up here.

00:52:18Marc:And my dad's back here.

00:52:20Marc:My mom's in Florida.

00:52:21Marc:But, you know, yeah, he lives here.

00:52:23Marc:I saw him the other night.

00:52:24Marc:He had invited somebody over to, I think he literally invited this guy over to argue with me.

00:52:31Guest 5:well you're perfect for that yeah but i didn't why is my dad doing that he's like my dad uses me as an extension of him it's like i have this smart son that can uh talk about this kind of stuff and i'd like to hear him talk about it see but that i understand your dad's point of view though because you're very eloquent and some people are smart but they're not very eloquent and your dad you know you can make points and you you can speak very well um and that's a talent um and

00:52:56Marc:Right.

00:52:56Marc:But I just I didn't see him in a while.

00:52:57Marc:And he's like, I got these people at the house.

00:52:59Marc:He's picking me over here.

00:53:00Marc:Make a point for me.

00:53:01Marc:Well, yeah, he I think he just met this guy because the guy sold him a jacket and they started talking about politics.

00:53:06Marc:And he was sort of a right wing libertarian off the grid guy.

00:53:09Marc:So literally invites this guy over with his wife for dinner.

00:53:12Marc:And I am like, how will you know these people?

00:53:14Marc:He's like, I don't know that well.

00:53:15Marc:And I'm like, why are they here?

00:53:16Marc:They're nice people.

00:53:17Marc:And I get there, we eat dinner, and then after dinner, dessert's being served, and my dad's wife's son and his wife is there, and they get up to go, and then this other couple's there, and all of a sudden the guy just goes, yeah, the gay agenda is... And I'm like, what happened?

00:53:34Marc:And then we're in it.

00:53:35Guest 5:But you feel like your dad maybe had an argument with him prior and wasn't able to...

00:53:43Marc:No, my dad's not an arguing type.

00:53:46Marc:My dad is fairly sensitive and a little susceptible, and he's sort of angry himself.

00:53:52Marc:So what happens is a guy like that talks to him, and my dad's like, yeah, you know, it makes sense.

00:53:57Marc:It makes sense what you're saying.

00:53:59Marc:And maybe you should talk to my son, Mark.

00:54:03Marc:Like my dad will meet somebody at a coffee shop.

00:54:05Marc:I've gotten calls from my father.

00:54:06Marc:He goes, you know, you should meet this kid at Starbucks I talked to.

00:54:10Marc:And I'm like, why?

00:54:10Marc:He goes, I don't know.

00:54:12Marc:I think you'd get along.

00:54:13Guest 5:Yeah, no.

00:54:15Guest 5:My dad does that to me all the time.

00:54:16Guest 5:I'm like, Dad, have I ever said that back to you?

00:54:19Guest 5:Like, I really want you to meet one of my jerk-off friends.

00:54:23Marc:But I'd like you to meet my father because maybe he'll call you and say... I'd like to meet your dad.

00:54:27Guest 5:Yeah.

00:54:27Guest 5:He's an interesting guy.

00:54:28Guest 5:Yeah.

00:54:29Guest 5:Why did he move to Albuquerque?

00:54:31Marc:Well, he was from New Jersey, both my parents from New Jersey, and he went to medical school, and then he enlisted in the Air Force in 69, because you could enlist as an officer if you were a doctor.

00:54:45Marc:So he did his residency in the Air Force, and then after that, we were in Alaska, and Albuquerque was a growing city, and he decided, I'm going to settle there.

00:54:54Marc:Some friend of his did.

00:54:55Guest 5:I have two questions about Albuquerque.

00:54:57Marc:Are you writing things down?

00:54:58Guest 5:No.

00:54:59Guest 5:Well, now I can remember them.

00:55:00Guest 5:Okay.

00:55:01Guest 5:Why are there three or four hospitals in a town this size?

00:55:05Marc:People get sick everywhere.

00:55:07Guest 5:I know, but it seems like there's a lot of hospitals for this town that has half a million people in it.

00:55:11Marc:People come in for the hospitals.

00:55:13Marc:Okay.

00:55:13Marc:Do you have something against hospitals?

00:55:14Guest 5:No, I just thought, God, there's three giant hospitals downtown.

00:55:18Marc:What's your other question?

00:55:19Guest 5:Oh, so the other night I was walking down Central.

00:55:24Guest 5:I like to walk, and I saw three fights.

00:55:28Marc:Downtown?

00:55:29Guest 5:Downtown, but they were all women.

00:55:30Marc:Hair pulling?

00:55:31Guest 5:No, bloody, like, bloody, like, women.

00:55:35Guest 5:I talked to this cop, and he was like, you know, he was telling me about the gang, and there's some gang issues here.

00:55:41Marc:It's always been a violent city.

00:55:42Marc:It was one of the highest violent cities in the country at one point in time.

00:55:46Guest 5:It's funny.

00:55:46Guest 5:I walked to Farina last night, and I had this feeling.

00:55:49Guest 5:I hadn't had it before, and I've been here for a few weeks, that it is a violent city.

00:55:53Guest 5:It just has this thing about it, like someone wants to fight you.

00:55:58Guest 5:It seems like a fighting town.

00:55:59Marc:Well, you know what?

00:56:00Marc:I'll tell you what I'll do, because we should end this up.

00:56:04Guest 5:Okay.

00:56:04Guest 5:I'll tell you what I'll do.

00:56:05Guest 5:I'll get someone to kick your ass.

00:56:06Marc:No, no.

00:56:07Marc:What I said... In a hospital.

00:56:08Marc:Yeah.

00:56:09Marc:That's what we're going to do on Monday, if you still have the day off, and you're not going to hang out with your famous friends.

00:56:14Marc:Um...

00:56:16Guest 5:What?

00:56:17Guest 5:I don't have famous friends.

00:56:19Marc:Robert Downey Jr.

00:56:20Marc:was just in here.

00:56:22Guest 5:Yeah.

00:56:23Guest 5:We're co-workers.

00:56:24Marc:Okay.

00:56:25Marc:So if you're not going to hang around with your co-workers on Monday, you and I will go.

00:56:29Marc:We'll go someplace, have some green chili, maybe go to Frontier, have a green chili cheeseburger.

00:56:33Guest 5:Well, you know what?

00:56:33Guest 5:Helen Thomas is flying in.

00:56:35Marc:Oh, shit.

00:56:36Guest 5:You know who that is?

00:56:37Marc:Yeah.

00:56:38Guest 5:That was the only reference I could think of.

00:56:39Marc:Pretty good.

00:56:42Marc:But after that, we'll get something to eat, and we'll get in a fight.

00:56:44Marc:Do you have a girlfriend?

00:56:45Marc:Yeah.

00:56:46Marc:Is she famous?

00:56:47Marc:Yeah.

00:56:48Marc:Okay.

00:56:49Marc:You want to know who it is?

00:56:51Marc:All right, tell me, if you're so dying to tell me.

00:56:53Marc:Who's your girl?

00:56:54Guest 5:No, my girlfriend is not.

00:56:57Guest 5:She's so unimpressed.

00:56:59Guest 5:That's what I used to like about my girlfriend.

00:57:00Guest 5:She was so unimpressed by the entertainment business.

00:57:03Guest 5:Then I just go, God, you don't have to hate everything about it.

00:57:07Marc:Yeah.

00:57:08Marc:Why?

00:57:09Marc:Because she would say, I hate you?

00:57:11Guest 5:No, no.

00:57:11Guest 5:She would be like, who gives a shit?

00:57:15Guest 5:I'd get something or get a role or something.

00:57:18Guest 5:Yeah.

00:57:19Guest 5:That's nice to keep you in check, but then if I came home as a mechanic and I'm like, hey, I got promoted at work, you would never go, oh, who gives a shit?

00:57:33Guest 5:Only in the entertainment industry do you have this weird response from people that people feel like they can tell you you've done a terrible job and you're in terrible movies.

00:57:42Guest 5:They feel like they can do it.

00:57:43Guest 5:I would never, ever say that to people.

00:57:45Marc:Well, what I'm going to say to you right now is that I think you've found your fucking groove.

00:57:51Marc:You've been very funny recently.

00:57:54Marc:And you almost got it out.

00:57:58Guest 6:You almost got a compliment without throwing this backhanded thing.

00:58:04Guest 2:I'm happy that we've reconnected.

00:58:06Guest 5:I love hanging out with you, Mark.

00:58:08Guest 5:We don't do it that often.

00:58:08Guest 5:I mean, the last time you and I sat down was in an Indian restaurant.

00:58:12Guest 5:I paid for it in Vancouver.

00:58:13Guest 5:Oh.

00:58:13Guest 5:That's right.

00:58:15Guest 5:And remember who was there?

00:58:16Guest 5:Who I love?

00:58:18Guest 5:Who?

00:58:18Guest 5:Vicky Gabbro.

00:58:20Guest 5:Right.

00:58:21Guest 5:I did her show.

00:58:22Guest 5:I think she's the best.

00:58:23Guest 5:Yeah.

00:58:23Guest 5:And I tell that to Canadians and they think I'm joking, but I think she's such a great interviewer.

00:58:28Marc:Yeah.

00:58:28Guest 5:You had just done her show and I couldn't believe that she came over to the table.

00:58:33Marc:This has been a good interview.

00:58:35Marc:This has been great.

00:58:36Marc:Okay.

00:58:37Marc:But I'm no Vicky Gabbro?

00:58:38Guest 5:No, I think you're on par.

00:58:40Marc:Oh, good, good, good.

00:58:42Marc:So, okay, so that's right.

00:58:42Guest 5:I'll never forget when we went to that restaurant, that Indian restaurant.

00:58:45Guest 5:I had called and made an Indian reservation.

00:58:49Marc:Zach Galifianakis.

00:58:50Marc:Terrible joke.

00:58:51Marc:Zach Galifianakis.

00:58:52Guest 5:Thank you.

00:58:53Guest 5:I had a great time.

00:58:56Marc:We're still driving to Santa Fe, and look, solar panels.

00:59:08Marc:I can live with that.

00:59:11Marc:Look at that, a whole row of them.

00:59:12Marc:I wonder what they're generating power for.

00:59:14Marc:That's one of those places that you see along the side of the road that has like turbines and towers and no windows and smokestacks and wires.

00:59:23Marc:And you say, what the hell is going on there?

00:59:26Marc:What are they making there?

00:59:28Marc:Are they just making energy?

00:59:30Marc:Making electricity?

00:59:31Marc:Is that an electricity plant?

00:59:34Marc:So let's get back to the guy that I had the conversation with at my father's house.

00:59:38Marc:The whole conversation started out with this idea of a gay agenda.

00:59:43Marc:And he said that basically the gay agenda is to destroy the church, the Catholic Church specifically.

00:59:50Marc:Now, I don't know how this guy can sort of, you know,

00:59:53Marc:get beyond the fact that there was an epidemic of pedophile priests within the church that did more damage than what he sees as the gay agenda will ever do.

01:00:06Marc:I don't know how he could see that, but he could see that gays who want to get married in the church are out to destroy the church.

01:00:11Marc:And he couldn't see it as them out to just be identified as a community, as people, as Americans, as people that live and move in the world that want to have the same rights that everyone else has.

01:00:24Marc:He says they can have their civil unions.

01:00:26Marc:They can have those.

01:00:27Marc:I just don't want marriage.

01:00:29Marc:And then the woman he's with says, well, what's next, marrying a dog?

01:00:32Marc:I'm like, how do you get from two people getting married because they love each other and want to have that in their life to them marrying an animal?

01:00:39Marc:Who the fuck wants to marry a dog?

01:00:41Marc:You know, scratch that.

01:00:43Marc:You know, I have several cats, and I know what it's like to love your pets.

01:00:47Marc:So I'm not saying that's completely out of the picture.

01:00:50Marc:But, I mean, I think I would draw a line.

01:00:52Marc:I mean, I don't think it's – does that make me close-minded?

01:00:55Marc:I think people marrying dogs would be bad.

01:00:59Marc:Meghan just said it happens in India.

01:01:01Marc:That's very progressive.

01:01:03Marc:Maybe it wouldn't be bad, because ultimately, you know, whatever makes you feel good.

01:01:07Marc:But the issue is that the idea that this guy is so bigoted, he sees homosexuality as a perversion.

01:01:17Marc:He says, there's a gay agenda everywhere.

01:01:19Marc:I want my kids to see that.

01:01:23Marc:It's perverted.

01:01:24Marc:It's sexual.

01:01:25Marc:It's not civil rights.

01:01:26Marc:It's sexual.

01:01:27Marc:And I'll tell you something.

01:01:29Marc:When the tide turns the other way, these guys are going to be in trouble.

01:01:32Marc:They ought to stop fighting.

01:01:33Marc:They ought to let go of this marriage thing.

01:01:35Marc:I go, what are you saying?

01:01:36Marc:You're saying, I'm just saying that if they don't let go of it, things get extreme in this country if you look at history.

01:01:41Marc:I'm just saying they ought to let go of this fight.

01:01:45Marc:So basically what he was saying is that in time, if people like him win out, these people will be killed.

01:01:52Marc:They will be put in camps.

01:01:54Marc:They will be sent out of the country, however extreme you want to get.

01:01:58Marc:And I said to him, that's why they're fighting this fight, because they believe it's worth dying for, that their rights as citizens, as human beings, as Americans in a free world, as just people, should be equal with everybody else.

01:02:11Marc:And they are willing to fight this fight in order to get that.

01:02:14Marc:to define themselves as a community, as a culture, as individuals, and as free human beings.

01:02:20Marc:He goes, I don't know.

01:02:21Marc:I don't think it's the right thing.

01:02:22Marc:I don't want them in my church.

01:02:24Marc:I said, okay, so let's say that they don't get married in your church.

01:02:26Marc:What if a gay couple comes to your church?

01:02:28Marc:I don't want to be at that church.

01:02:29Marc:so you don't you just don't you think gay is wrong he's like yeah it's perverted those parades you think I'm going to take my kids to see those parades like what parades the gay parades they have in every city you think I'm going to be out there you think I want my kids to see that they got the the guys in the in the leather and the guys with sparklers on their balls I'm like I've never seen a guy with sparklers on his balls

01:02:53Marc:They've got guys with sparklers on their balls.

01:02:56Marc:I've been to several gay parades in New York, San Francisco.

01:02:59Marc:I've never seen a guy with sparklers on his balls, but that would be spectacular if he did.

01:03:04Marc:He goes, you know what?

01:03:06Marc:It's wrong.

01:03:06Marc:It's perverted.

01:03:06Marc:I'm like, wait a minute.

01:03:07Marc:Let's keep on the guy with the sparklers on his balls because I think that guy's got a career.

01:03:11Marc:I mean, he should do every parade.

01:03:13Marc:He should appear at every gay parade around the world, the guy with the sparklers on his balls.

01:03:17Marc:He should open the parade.

01:03:18Marc:I think...

01:03:18Marc:I think traditionally it's the Dyches on Bikes that opened the ones in New York and in San Francisco, if I'm not mistaken.

01:03:24Marc:But I think the guy with sparklers on his balls would be a great addition to that.

01:03:29Marc:It would be amazing.

01:03:31Marc:And what's that guy hiding?

01:03:32Marc:I've never seen a guy with sparklers on his balls, but he came up with it.

01:03:35Marc:That's his fantastic idea of what a gay pride parade is.

01:03:38Marc:In his mind, it's a guy with sparklers on his balls.

01:03:41Marc:So what's he hiding from himself to come up with something like that?

01:03:44Marc:And I think that would be great.

01:03:46Marc:Just that maybe a chariot for the guy with sparkles on his balls being towed by one of the dykes on bikes to open all gay pride parades.

01:03:53Marc:That's that's I'd love to see that.

01:03:56Marc:He goes, what about television?

01:03:57Marc:You can't watch any television anymore.

01:03:58Marc:Gay agenda is on television.

01:04:00Marc:Not all of the shows.

01:04:01Marc:I'm like, what are you talking about?

01:04:02Marc:Because they got gays on all the shows.

01:04:05Marc:That's a gay agenda.

01:04:06Marc:There are gay people that live and work among us and they are characters on shows.

01:04:09Marc:There are gay characters.

01:04:11Marc:I don't want my kids to see it.

01:04:13Marc:So the saddest thing about it is that this guy's lack of tolerance and this guy's inability to see gays as just people, he's going to give that to his kids.

01:04:27Marc:The gift of contempt and hatred, he's going to give to his kids.

01:04:31Marc:And I just think in my mind, all it would take is just...

01:04:34Marc:It would just take one moment, if it's processed properly through the human heart, one moment where he all of a sudden finds out that some buddy of his that he works with, that he's been eating lunch with every day, is gay.

01:04:47Marc:And for him to deal with that predicament within his own mind and heart and have that realization.

01:04:53Marc:That, hey, they're just people that are trying to live their life as free as possible, as free as I want to live my life.

01:05:00Marc:But he would probably say, you know what?

01:05:03Marc:I can't eat lunch with that guy anymore.

01:05:05Marc:Just knowing, just knowing what else has gone into his mouth, I can't, I'm not going to.

01:05:10Marc:It's disgusting.

01:05:12Marc:That's where he'll go with it, unfortunately.

01:05:15Marc:Tolerance is the key.

01:05:17Marc:But I've got to be honest with you.

01:05:20Marc:I really want to see the guy with sparklers on his balls.

01:05:28Marc:Well, folks, I haven't had to do this before, but so much came out of my trip to New Mexico that we're going to split this up into two parts.

01:05:35Marc:I hope that's OK with you.

01:05:36Marc:So the next part, I'm going to find my old junior high bandmate, a guy I used to go to junior high with who I played in a band with in seventh and I think eighth grade.

01:05:45Marc:And today, this guy is literally changing the universe.

01:05:49Marc:I'm going to go back to my old high school as well to revisit the scene of a despicable hate crime.

01:05:56Marc:It hurts me to think about it.

01:05:57Marc:I'm really not sure that I've recovered from it.

01:06:00Marc:But until then, go to WTFPod.com for all your WTF needs.

01:06:05Marc:And I'll see you later this week for part two.

01:06:13you