Episode 196 - Wyatt Cenac, Horatio Sanz, Tom Scharpling, Sam Lipsyte, Kevin Allison
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF with Mark Matthews.
Marc:All right, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, what the fuck in Brooklyn Heights, live at the Bell House for live WTF.
Marc:Thank you for coming out.
Marc:I really appreciate it.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Marc:It's good to be in New York.
Marc:It's good to be sweating in the streets of New York.
Marc:Holy fuck, man.
Marc:I forgot what the humidity was all about.
Marc:I forgot what it was like, like 19... Let me try to date myself.
Marc:Because I lived in the Lower East Side, 1989, just fucking sweaty, high on cocaine, running around, thinking I could fuck somebody.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Just like that, doesn't humidity just make you feel like you've already been fucked?
Marc:And you're just running around like you've already been fucked, and you're a little cranky, but you're ready to fuck again?
Marc:How did I just start so filthy?
Marc:Where the hell am I coming from?
Marc:I'm out here three seconds, and I'm out in the streets of New York running around sweating and fucking.
Marc:But there was actually nothing worse than being high on cocaine in this humidity, because one in the morning, when you can't sleep because it's too humid, and on top of that, your heart is like...
Marc:Yeah, those were the good times, Mark.
Marc:Let's reminisce about that.
Marc:That's fucking ridiculous.
Marc:I'm very... You know, I actually feel like I miss New York.
Marc:This is the first time since I've been back from L.A.
Marc:where I'm like, oh, this is fucking great.
Marc:I'm the only guy in the city who's like, this humidity is awesome.
Marc:I feel like I'm hallucinating.
Marc:I never realized really what Brooklyn was, and I swear to you.
Marc:No, I know the whole hipster mommy thing is sort of hack, but it's fucking real, man.
Marc:I mean, there's so many women with children that look like they shouldn't have them that...
Marc:I spend a lot of time just looking at people going, okay, I think I can bend her into a mommy somehow.
Marc:I think that she seems to... But there's sort of a vanity to the Brooklyn mother, isn't there?
Marc:Where it's like, look, it's about my kid, but it's me, really.
Marc:It's more about me, isn't it?
Marc:I mean, how do I look?
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:The kid will be fine.
Marc:He's not even listening.
Marc:Do I look good?
Marc:How do I look?
Marc:So, of course, I relate to that.
Marc:That was my mom.
Marc:So I... All right, let's read some emails.
Marc:Question for Mark's vanity.
Oh.
Marc:Marin, you look like a guy with a full head of hair, so you may not be able to relate to my question.
Marc:Then again, you seem a little vain and pathologically self-critical, so I'm going to give it to you straight.
Marc:I'm a 28-year-old guy whose hair is thinning.
Marc:I always told myself that I wouldn't be one of those guys who obsessed over this, and I'd just shave it off when it comes to it.
Marc:But in recent years, I've gotten lots of compliments on my hairstyle, and I don't really ever hear any compliments about anything else regarding my appearance.
Marc:I kind of hate to just be another dude with a shaved head walking around getting fatter.
Marc:I'm considering taking medication for hair growth, but the side effects include everything from impotence to masking the early stages of prostate cancer.
Marc:Should it develop, what would you do?
Marc:Do you risk impotence and potential cancer in order to keep the one thing about yourself that receives compliments from others?
Marc:This is a moral predicament.
Marc:Then he says, hey, maybe I should just work out and get ripped.
Marc:Then it wouldn't matter, right?
Marc:Well, that involves a gym, so it seems unlikely.
Marc:Thoughts?
Marc:Thanks, Matt.
Marc:Yeah, not being able to fuck is a big sacrifice.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:I say that prostate cancer is going to happen anyways.
Marc:Take the pills to make your hair stay in and then get your doctor to get some Viagra so you can at least live up to your haircut.
Marc:High school.
Marc:That's a subject line.
Marc:Mark, as I write this, I'm sitting inside my study hall class on the last day of high school.
Marc:I would refer to it as a high school career, but it's not a job if the only criteria for the title is not kill yourself due to apathy.
Marc:That is so genuinely high school.
Marc:I always look forward to your podcast and listen to it in this chair whenever possible.
Marc:Thanks for making a kid laugh.
Marc:The weird looks are worth it.
Marc:Sincerely, Ben.
Marc:The only reason I wanted to read that was just for that line.
Marc:The title is not to kill yourself due to apathy.
Marc:It's fucking Holden Caulfield lives.
Marc:This one, the subject line, the silent deadly blight.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Dear Mark, dear Mr. Mark, I just want to issue a warning of something I've contracted.
Marc:I say it so you can let your new listeners know that there's a silent blight that they must be wary of.
Marc:I came down with WTFF.
Marc:what the fuck fatigue.
Marc:After being turned on to WTF by friends, I ended up binging on the show like crack.
Marc:I listened to roughly 40 shows in a week and although they are some of the best things I've ever listened to, I wanna slap my own face when I hear your voice now.
Marc:I also wanna steal other people's cats because I don't have any of my own.
Marc:I have an urge to get into fights with a girlfriend I don't even have.
Marc:I also tried to listen to the podcast with my finger on the volume button, turning it down when I hear you and back up when I hear the guest.
Marc:But that was just too labor intensive.
Marc:Whoever thought moderation in everything could also pertain to a podcast.
Marc:P.S.
Marc:I used a WTF sticker to vandalize a BMW that cut me off and took my parking spot.
Marc:Fuck BMW drivers.
Marc:P.P.S.
Marc:Do the cats take care of themselves when you travel?
Marc:Sincerely, Sean.
Marc:No, the cats don't take care of themselves.
Marc:I have to audition people to deal with my cats.
Marc:That's just the fucking most embarrassing thing.
Marc:Like, okay, now monkey's weird.
Marc:All right, but you can't let him out.
Marc:If you let him out, don't fucking tell me about it, and you better get him back in the fucking house.
Marc:LaFonda won't like you, and Boomer, you have to pet, so we'll eat.
Marc:Are we okay with this?
Marc:Subject line, you know what mixes wonderfully?
Marc:Surprisingly, listening to WTF while watching women's gymnastics championships.
Marc:Trust me, I'm just saying is all.
Marc:All right, you guys, we have an amazing show.
Marc:I'm hot.
Marc:There's a lot of people back there.
Marc:I'm very excited about it.
Marc:You seem like a nice crowd.
Marc:There's not too much insanity.
Marc:It's my pleasure to bring out my first guest.
Marc:He's a former member of the state.
Marc:He's the current host of the podcast Risk.
Marc:Please welcome Kevin Allison to the stage.
Guest:Yes, indeed.
Guest:I was so worried I wouldn't get here because it's so difficult for me to get from Brooklyn to Brooklyn.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Which Brooklyn did you come from?
Guest:Well, I'm actually in Bushwick, and so coming down here is very difficult.
Marc:I have no fucking idea where I am any time I'm here.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's like block to block with me.
Marc:I walked down one street.
Marc:It was all cafes, vegan restaurants, you know, vain mommies.
Marc:And then I took one turn and I walked by, I think, a bar that seemed to have a Vin Diesel theme night.
Guest:Yeah, we're like on the dark side of the moon.
Guest:We're like in the back of a garage or something.
Marc:I'm staying at a hotel that looks like it was left there.
Marc:I'm at the Hotel Le Bleu.
Marc:And it looks like someone built a hotel and just forgot to... They built it and they left it there.
Marc:It looks like it was built to be put somewhere else.
Marc:And they just said, just leave it there and make sure it's set back.
Guest:That's a lot like my apartment, actually.
Marc:But I love that it's a boutique hotel, but you walk in and the guy's like, you know, what the fuck is up?
Marc:You know, like it's a boutique hotel, but it's purely, I guess you would call it Brooklyn quaint, but old school Brooklyn quaint.
Marc:Yo, if you need anything, you just call me, okay?
Marc:I mean anything, you know what I mean, dog?
Marc:You know?
Marc:I'm like, we're good.
Marc:He says, you should just not even go out today.
Marc:Just hang out and call me and ask me for something.
Marc:Hang out with your lady, you know what I'm saying?
Marc:I get it, I get it.
Marc:And then he showed me how to use shit in the room.
Marc:This is the remote control.
Marc:Pretty self-explanatory.
Marc:All right, the cable box is under here.
Marc:I know, because I'm the one who got the shit on it.
Marc:I'm sorry, how are you, Kevin?
LAUGHTER
Marc:I got so lost in doing a character, which I never do.
Guest:I am fantastic.
Marc:Now, your podcast is going well.
Marc:I know.
Guest:It's going great.
Guest:It's going great.
Guest:We started it about two years ago.
Guest:We started it.
Marc:I did the first one, didn't I?
Marc:Yeah, you did.
Marc:You did the first one in New York, and then you did the first one in L.A., too.
Marc:You weren't at that one.
Guest:It made me uncomfortable.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:I got this email.
Marc:It said, you're doing my podcast.
Marc:I'm not going to be there.
Yeah.
Marc:And I said, what does this mean?
Marc:And then someone else was doing it.
Marc:Yeah, well, the first one, I remember, I called you on the phone and went through it with you.
Marc:I told a story I never told in my life, and I'm still worried that my first wife is going to listen to it.
Marc:Oh, God, it was an awesome story, though.
Marc:Yeah, awesome for you.
Marc:I have this problem where I'm like, sure, I can say that.
Marc:No one's going to hear it.
Marc:It's only on a podcast.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:No, well, that's what I do every show.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, yours was pretty hairy, too.
Marc:You talked about the date with the dude.
Guest:Oh, with the shoes on my balls.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That was the whole genesis of the show.
Guest:I was like, I have to create a show where I can talk about that time that that dude made me tie my shoes to my balls.
Yeah.
Guest:Well, where do I do that?
Guest:And so I finally start.
Guest:And I had been doing like characters for like 10 years and just nothing, just nothing was going on.
Guest:I was like in the business of failure.
Guest:And I was extremely good at it.
Marc:I know that business well.
Marc:I was fairly proficient at it myself for several years.
Marc:It's a horrible business because there's nothing worse than trying to do a character but knowing deep down that it's not going to help anything.
Guest:Yeah, all you got to do is start talking about tying shoes to your balls.
Guest:And it's fucking golden.
Guest:Wind is at your sails, yeah.
Marc:But you know what I felt when you told that story?
Marc:And I felt this before.
Marc:Because I had a gay professor who was in love with me.
Marc:And it didn't go anywhere.
Marc:But I was completely fascinated with his lifestyle.
Marc:Because I met him in New York for lunch.
Marc:And then he went to buy some sort of cock harness.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And we go into the store, and he's looking at cock harnesses, and I'm like, this is so out of my wheelhouse.
Marc:But he said to the guy, he said, can I try this on?
Marc:And I'm like, you can just try on cock harnesses?
Marc:And it was like one of these get-ups where it had leather that went over the shaft.
Guest:Oh, not leather.
Guest:They're not supposed to let you try it on in the store if it's leather.
Marc:Well, okay, well, this was about 10 years ago.
Guest:Oh, all right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So he had a ring for the top of his balls and a ring for his cock and a piece of leather.
Marc:So he goes into the bathroom to try on this cock harness, and he walks out, and I thought he would purchase it, you know, and say, like, this fit fine.
Marc:But no, he said, I'm going to wear it out.
Guest:Oh.
Marc:So, like, I thought those had a purpose, but apparently it's just sort of an accoutrement.
Guest:No, I've done that before, but you change your mind halfway down the block.
Guest:You do.
Guest:You do.
Guest:I think what I'm getting at is I... Some people wear butt plugs, too, walking down the street.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I haven't been able to get out the door that way.
Marc:But I'm glad you put the effort in.
Marc:You try.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I've usually... In fact, I just said I was recording RIS today, and I just advised everyone to put some marijuana and some poppers and a cock ring in the bag.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And head out there and have a good time.
Marc:I think I envy the lifestyle that you're able to live.
Marc:Because it seems to... Like, I know the prostate can be fun, but I...
Marc:But I also know that when my girlfriend says, do you want me to?
Marc:I'm like, no, it's messy.
Marc:You know, so I... I just, for the first... Because we both work with Adam and Eve.
Guest:And I was like, look, I've never tried this anal douche thing.
Guest:So send me one of those and I'll see if it works.
Guest:Because a lot of people are huge proponents of this.
Marc:So wait, so this is the thing to clean out your ass before anything goes in there?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I think I put it way too far up there.
Yeah.
Guest:Because for, like, the next three hours, I was bloated, and I couldn't do anything.
Guest:I was just like, oh, my God.
Guest:I put so much water in my intestines.
Guest:Have you ever had a colonic?
Marc:Yeah, I've had a colonic, but that has a hose that brings it back out.
Marc:That is such a racket.
Marc:You know, I...
Marc:Like, there was a time where, like, it was a summer thing, too, because I remember it was before I quit doing coke, and I decided that I had some sort of intestinal blockage.
Marc:Like, I was all coked up, and I'm like, what is this pain?
Marc:I'm like, I must need a colonic, because my friend Tom Agna told me that he had colonics, and they were great.
Marc:So I thought this would be great.
Marc:So I go to this... I went to this African doctor, all right?
Marc:He was from Africa, all right?
Marc:And all over... I don't know if I've told this story before.
Marc:All over his office, he had these pictures of a tribe in Africa...
Marc:and things that they removed from this tribe's ass.
Marc:No, these were like ropes, just ropes of like hay and woven shit like that were three or four feet long.
Marc:And he walked me around this office saying, see, this is what it do.
Marc:And I'm like, and I said to him, I said, that looks like a shit snake.
Marc:And he goes, oh, you shit snake.
Yes.
Marc:But I just thought the colonic was just sort of a racket.
Guest:Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:It's one of those, you know, it's like you're not sure what's gone on afterwards.
Guest:I had my asshole waxed a couple weeks ago.
Guest:Did you really?
Guest:Yeah, and you know something's happened after that.
Guest:It was a big Russian lady, and she puts you on a table and puts your feet up in the air like your baby, like she's going to change your diaper.
Guest:You're not wearing anything.
Guest:There's no use for towels.
Guest:And then she puts the stuff on you, and it's hot.
Guest:It's hot.
Guest:You are regretting it at that point, but then when they rip, you don't feel it.
Guest:You don't feel it for a while.
Guest:That's because your body is shut down.
Guest:For a little while, your body has just completely shut down.
Guest:What you just do to me.
Guest:And then you just start spazzing out.
Guest:And she's like, don't be tense.
Guest:You'll give yourself pimples.
Guest:I didn't know how not to be tense.
Guest:But afterwards, she said, if your mother could see what I've just done to her son.
Guest:But I think I'll go back to her because I like that.
Guest:I like that, you know, familiarity.
Marc:And did you tell your mother about it?
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:No, in fact, my mom has never heard Risk.
Marc:Did you forbid her or you haven't told her that you're even doing it?
Guest:Well, I tell her that I do storytelling, which sounds nice.
Guest:Sounds like what they do at the library.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So your mother's never heard you talk about this at all?
Guest:Oh, no, no, not at all, not at all.
Guest:Where did she live?
Guest:Well, she's from Cincinnati, Ohio.
Guest:Very Catholic, very Puritan.
Guest:My first memory is when I was three years old, I spied this little Hummel statue up on the mantle, and you could see the little boy's hiney, right?
Marc:All the Hummels are very high.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I went ballistic.
Guest:I grabbed it.
Guest:I started running around the house announcing it like Paul Revere.
Guest:What?
Marc:I'm gay.
Marc:I'm gay.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:That you could see as hiney.
Guest:I thought it was good news.
Marc:I thought you were a little young.
Marc:All right.
Guest:And anyway, she just grabbed that thing away from me and said she was going to put it someplace safe.
Guest:I never saw it again.
Guest:It was horrifying.
Guest:But she knows you're gay, right?
Guest:Oh, she knows I'm gay.
Guest:When I came out in 94, when the state was on, I came out in Out Magazine and The Advocate, she had a fucking heart attack.
Guest:She is very, very Catholic.
Guest:No, I told them before it hit the stands, but it was very soon to hit the stands.
Guest:And she was so flustered, she said, I'll just let your dad talk to you.
Guest:I'll let him talk to you.
Guest:And he comes on like a half hour later, and he's like, I think that's great.
Guest:She got over it eventually.
Guest:Did she?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But still, they have no idea about the things that I still do to this day.
Guest:See, I was in a marriage for nine years, and so now I'm back on the scene.
Guest:And how is that scene?
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:I am 41 now.
Marc:Now, do you feel the... Are you working out more?
Marc:No way.
Guest:The nice thing about sex parties is... Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Marc:Let's back up a second.
Guest:There are guys that are into anything.
Guest:So you can get away with being like, oh, fuck, that guy was awesome and he liked me?
Marc:Now tell me about these sex parties.
Marc:Is it just like you just kind of walk in and you're like, hey, okay, look at my new cock harness.
Guest:No, it's you find out through channels what the password is, and then you get in there, and then you go into a little room and put your cock harness on and make sure not to get your hands too luby and start dropping things.
Marc:So wait, there's a prep room?
Guest:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Guest:Well, you've got to take all your clothes off and put it in a bag, and then they put the bag in, you know, a garbage bag.
Marc:So it's like a water park or something?
Marc:You just...
Marc:You, like, getting ready to go on the slide?
Guest:Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I'm usually in and out very quickly.
Guest:I know what I want.
Guest:See, the thing that's been disturbing me lately is Grindr.
Marc:What the fuck is Grindr?
Guest:This is what caused all my troubles after the marriage broke up.
Guest:This is a GPS system for gay dudes.
Guest:You'll notice there's about 300 Asians in there.
Guest:Unfortunately, you can kind of be specific about ethnicities and all.
Marc:So, okay, so how does this work?
Marc:It's buzzing.
Marc:Oh, it is?
Guest:I think somebody needs something.
Guest:Let's see what's going on.
Guest:I mean, I thought it was all just women with babies in this neighborhood.
Marc:Okay, so like that guy's buzzing you?
Marc:Does he want to, like, come suck your cock right now?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:What it does is if you're in the vicinity...
Guest:If you're within, like, you know, however many feet, it'll tell you how many feet he's away.
Guest:It'll give you a little thing that directs you to him.
Marc:Did someone just grind, Kevin?
Guest:There's got to be someone in the room, absolutely.
Marc:The real question is, will they say that they're here?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Most people just share cock pictures and say, come on over.
Marc:I think it's what happened to Representative Wiener.
Marc:I, um...
Guest:I'm not very popular in this room.
Marc:No?
Marc:No, no one's buzzing.
Marc:In some cases, they're a very fine line from super hipster and gay.
Marc:Yeah, sometimes I've had that moment where I'm like, come on, what's behind the beard?
Marc:Come on.
Guest:Well, I don't know how to dress.
Guest:Most hipsters are better at dressing than I am.
Marc:Can I ask you an honest question?
Marc:Because I know a guy that I believe is bisexual.
Marc:Now, do you believe that there is real bisexual or that?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Because the thing I don't understand is he's a friend of mine, but I don't always know where he's coming from.
Marc:He's not told me he's bisexual or anything, but there's this moment where he's like, so you want to hang out?
Marc:And I get this weird vibe, and I have a moment where I'm like, what do you mean?
Marc:But I'm just saying that I think that you should be clear about that, don't you?
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Guest:I mean, if a guy is out, he'll be very forward.
Guest:He should be quite frank.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because then everything's out front.
Marc:It's not weird.
Marc:He can say, like, you know, I just really want to suck your cock, and I could say, thanks, but I don't think so right now.
Guest:He knows you're not on Grindr, so you've got that behind you.
Marc:Right.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, I'm glad we worked that out.
Marc:When you came out with the dudes in the state, which one was the weirdest about it?
Marc:Be honest.
Marc:Because I've interviewed a lot of you guys.
Marc:Let me try to take a guess.
Guest:Oh, well, they were constantly, you know, Lennon and Marino were constantly asking me what I thought about their asses.
Guest:But actually, if I hadn't, I was only in the state because I was hot for Joe LaTrulio.
Yeah.
Guest:I was walking down a hallway at NYU and I saw that he was doing a drop ad when I was a freshman.
Guest:And I was like, well, fuck it.
Guest:I'm that dude.
Guest:I'm doing a drop ad.
Guest:So I sat next to him and eavesdropped on what class he was adding.
Guest:And then I went into the counselor next and got that same class.
Guest:And that's how I got in with the group.
Yeah.
Guest:So were you even into acting?
Guest:No, I was in film.
Guest:In film school, yeah.
Guest:And you were like, fuck it, I'm going to get that dude.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Marc:Come on, Given.
Guest:No, never anything.
Marc:One of them must have been confused.
Guest:It was college.
Guest:Everyone in the state had grown up.
Marc:Please tell me you blue show Walter.
Guest:Oh, Jesus.
Marc:Please.
Marc:And then he cried afterwards and said, don't tell anybody about this.
Marc:Come on!
Guest:No, it never happened.
Guest:Thank God.
Marc:Kevin Allison, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:This next gentleman I am bringing out is one of my dearest friends.
Marc:And I think he's one of the best writers that ever lived.
Marc:And I love him.
Marc:He wrote the brilliant Venus Drive collection of short stories.
Marc:He wrote The Subject Steve.
Marc:He wrote Homeland.
Marc:His most recent novel is The Ask.
Marc:Please welcome Sam Lipsight to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest:Sammy!
Guest:What the hell?
Marc:Sam, I didn't... I didn't fuck, sorry.
Marc:I apologize for bringing... It's tough to follow all that ass play.
Guest:I was doing myself back there.
Marc:But I knew you could handle it.
Marc:Playing my ass.
Marc:He's a fucking real writer, you guys.
Marc:You know what a real writer looks like?
Marc:This is what a real writer looks like.
Marc:It's fucking amazing.
Guest:Like everybody else here.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's hard to be friends with somebody that I'm so fucking in awe of.
Marc:Like, I read the books, and then I call you, and I say, you know, how much of me was in there?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Which conversation did you draw from?
Marc:Because we used to have this thing.
Marc:Now, I believe that conversation, one of the reasons why WTF is popular is that I don't really think that people sit down and talk for an hour with anyone anymore.
Marc:I think it's some sort of weird lost art.
Marc:But there was a period there where Sam and I used to schedule hours during the week to meet at my apartment in Astoria.
Marc:We used to call it the Astoria Statement Meetings.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And we used to just sit there and just fucking talk for an hour.
Guest:We had some time on our hands.
Guest:Now I only get to talk to you in this kind of setting.
Marc:But I think there was part of me that decided, it's sort of like, you know, you make me understand something.
Marc:Like you went to college and understood it.
Marc:Make me understand.
Guest:Yeah, but I never actually supplied anything.
Guest:You just kept talking.
Yeah.
Marc:But let's be honest about writing because you're a guy that is now teaching at Columbia.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Okay, so now you have young minds.
Marc:Every day you go to college and you look at these people that want to be writers.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, well, I teach graduates and undergraduates.
Guest:The undergraduates are really smart.
Guest:It's a tough school to get into.
Guest:I would certainly not get into it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I get to teach at it.
Guest:And...
Guest:But they're really brilliant and whip smart.
Guest:They haven't necessarily figured out how to get a little crazy on the page because they've been sort of trained to just go in and get the job done and get out.
Marc:Really?
Marc:They've been trained to do that?
Guest:Well, they're kind of commandos.
Guest:Take the test, master the assignment, and then come home.
Guest:Everybody walks away.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I gave them this, this is more on the technology subject, but I gave them an essay to read, and it had a lot of references to older writers and books, and I asked them, you know, when they came back to class having read the thing, did they, you know, know who these people were, what these texts were, and they said no, and I said, that's fine, you're not supposed to know, that's why you're in school.
Guest:but did anyone use this abundant technology that I didn't have, maybe you didn't have, you had to go to the library or something like that.
Guest:But here's this technology you can look it up.
Guest:I'm not advocating doing that for your important research, but just a name.
Guest:And I said, did anybody do it?
Guest:And everyone kept their head down, and then one guy raised his hand, and I said, what?
Guest:And he said, it takes too long.
Guest:Googling something takes too long.
Guest:So I'm just kind of interested in how fast we're going to go.
Marc:Now, be honest with me.
Marc:Have you had this student where you're like, in your mind, you're like, this guy's going down.
Marc:Who the fuck does he think he is?
Marc:Now, this is inner dialogue, Sam, where you're like, oh, I get it.
Marc:So he's presenting you with something he's written, and he's looking at you with that sort of like, what do you think of that old man?
Marc:Have you had to fucking put some dude down?
Guest:Well...
Guest:I fucking greased him, man.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:No, I had a guy that was sitting next to me.
Guest:He always took the seat next to me, and, you know, we'd be talking.
Guest:I'd always look over to him, and he'd smile and encourage me.
Guest:And I thought, you know, wow, we have a special connection.
Guest:He really gets what I'm saying in this class.
Guest:And then I read his evaluation of the class, and it was just, you know, I think it said, Professor Lipsight's a good teacher.
Guest:His only problem is he's a 13-year-old girl.
And then...
Guest:And then he said, you know, he was playing mind games with me the whole time and, you know, really, you know, trying to turn the class against me and all.
Guest:What are you saying?
Guest:I was just trying to get a little, you know, love from you, man.
Guest:You know, just like...
Guest:I was scared up here, and you were nodding.
Marc:Did you give him an A for that description?
Guest:This is after the grades were in.
Guest:This was just that final punch in the gut.
Marc:I remember when I was in college that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, but I needed the teacher to think I was smart.
Marc:And I still have that.
Marc:Do you have kids like that?
Marc:And I don't know why I'm calling them kids, but they are kids.
Marc:Do you have kids that, like, do you have office hours where you have to say, like, I really think this is out of my jurisdiction.
Marc:You seem to have real problems.
Guest:Well, I've said, if you don't want to be perceived as somebody with real problems, you might think about toning it down a little bit.
Marc:Have you had these, when people write you stuff, you realize they've just said things that they've never said to anybody?
Guest:Well, it happens, and it's a very sensitive situation, and I take it very seriously.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:And they've given us talks about when someone seems more emotionally distressed than usual and there are signs.
Guest:And it's not all just a story about killing Professor Lipsight or something like that.
Guest:There are other things going on in the person's... Like what are the signs?
Guest:Well, the signs with anybody in, say, a workplace that seems to be, you know, being pushed off the edge a little bit.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Would you like to read from the book?
Marc:Would you like to hear him read from the book?
Marc:Let's not do that part.
Guest:Oh, you don't want to do the part about you?
Guest:No.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Marc:No, it was a bad time for me.
Guest:If you get the book, it's chapter 19.
Guest:If you want to look that up yourself.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I'll read something else.
Guest:It's actually not that great.
Guest:What Mark was doing was great, but the scene isn't that remarkable.
Marc:Okay, go ahead.
Marc:Do it.
Marc:Let me set the scene where it came from.
Marc:I was divorced about three or four months.
Marc:I was miserable.
Marc:I was depressed.
Marc:I wanted to fuck everybody and everything to somehow heal my heart by whatever means necessary.
Marc:And I had lunch with Sam at the Carnegie Deli.
Marc:And this is the part of the book that was based on that conversation.
Guest:And I'll just say this is not at Carnegie Deli.
Guest:It's actually at a sort of breast milk bar where you can also give birth.
Guest:Sort of a birth center.
Guest:But this is the bar area, the bar and lounge area.
Marc:And I'd like to preface the Carnegie Deli conversation with saying that I'd just gone to my physical with Dr. Jay Meltzer, and he had given me like seven or eight samples of Viagra.
Guest:It was good.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So our hero, whose name is Milo, is meeting a guy who's not Mark in many other respects.
Guest:He's just kind of a retired meth head who...
Guest:works for this shady guy that Milo is starting to work for, too.
Guest:And his name is Michael Florida.
Guest:Michael Florida flipped his notepad open.
Guest:It looked like a list of names, women's names.
Guest:I'm doing some inventory, he said.
Guest:But I'm still out there, man.
Guest:It's a nightmare.
Guest:Sorry to hear it.
Guest:I've been clean and sober for years, but I've not been able to put together any real recovery around my sex addiction.
Guest:I had a great thing going with this one girl.
Guest:She was fantastic.
Guest:A recovering garbage head.
Guest:Used to sell her ass a little.
Guest:But she was really grounded and cool.
Guest:Had her own business making vegan snake treats.
Guest:Snake treats?
Guest:Snake treats.
Guest:For boas.
Guest:Save the mice.
Guest:She was a sweetheart.
Guest:But of course I had to go to my Everglades on her a few too many times.
Guest:And she called me out, sent me packing.
Guest:Everglades, I said.
Guest:Yeah, you know, because my name is Florida.
Guest:When I do something shitty, something swampy and wrong, I call that going to my Everglades.
Guest:Stupid, I guess.
Guest:Michael Florida took a tight sip of his drink.
Guest:So what's with the list, I said.
Guest:These are all the women I fucked in the last month.
Guest:27 of them.
Guest:I'm not bragging about it, believe me.
Guest:I'm just trying to get a handle on my disease.
Guest:Because it is a disease.
Guest:Do you know about this stuff?
Guest:I think I have a very different disease, I said.
Guest:Which one is that, said Michael Florida.
Guest:The one where you don't sleep with 27 women in a month.
Guest:The one where you don't get laid at all, ever, even by your wife.
Guest:Especially by your wife.
Guest:You wouldn't understand.
Guest:I inflated the numbers drastically.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Because Jessica's here, and I don't want to have to spend the evening with her going, 27?
Marc:27!
Marc:And I didn't have anything to say about Everglades, but I do have to cop to the inventory.
Marc:So this is the Ask You Guys, and it's out in paperback.
Marc:And now what else is... It's fucking great.
Marc:It's fucking great.
Marc:And I don't just say that because I love Sam.
Marc:I say that because it's fucking great.
Marc:Can you just tell me how it starts?
Marc:Because this always interested me about you.
Marc:I always thought that when you're going to write a novel, you have an outline.
Marc:You've decided where characters are going to go.
Marc:Do you do that?
Guest:No, I've never been able to figure out how to do that.
Guest:But I know that you're supposed to do that.
Guest:I encourage people to do that.
Guest:How do you do it?
Guest:I just start writing anywhere and see what happens.
Guest:Take it sentence by sentence until it starts to seem like something.
Marc:So it's just about the sentences and then you just sort of follow them?
Guest:Yeah, I follow them, and the more you write, the more you realize what the book can't be.
Guest:At a certain point, you say, okay, it's not really about astronauts.
Guest:And so you keep eliminating all these things until you have a book.
Marc:Sam Lipsight, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Let's just move down.
Marc:My next guest, you know, we've been in circles, in separate circles for a long time, and our circles met, and we didn't know if we liked each other.
Marc:It turns out we're a lot alike, and we do like each other.
Marc:We've appeared on each other's shows.
Marc:I just did the best show last night for the first time.
Marc:Please welcome Tom Sharpling to the stage.
Marc:Hi, Tom.
Hello.
Guest:Oh, that is fucking great.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:Sharpling.
Guest:It's exciting.
Marc:Do you do the live thing often?
Marc:No.
Marc:You're like a solitary dude.
Marc:You're in the studio.
Marc:Now we're out in front of people.
Marc:I know.
Marc:At least I can only see like four of them.
Marc:How many best show fans in here?
There we go.
Guest:That's kind of underwhelming.
Guest:Just how you like it.
Marc:That validates everything I've always believed.
Marc:I, of course, after doing your show last night, went directly to your message board this morning.
Marc:What the fuck is... How am I going to get your fans to like me?
Marc:What do I got to do?
Marc:Not that it's important to me because I'm not about like.
Guest:No, it's clearly not important to you.
Marc:All it takes is one dude on your message board to fuck my day up.
Marc:And this guy's like, you know, usually when I listen to Marin's podcast, I fast forward through the opening rant.
Marc:just to listen to the interviews.
Marc:But I sort of turned a corner on Maren last night when he was on Tom's show.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:Because Tom did a really great job interviewing him.
Guest:Look, I know it doesn't bother you.
Guest:Based on the hour that you talked to me when we met back in December about one listener.
Marc:Dude, I had a Twitter fight with that asshole recently.
Marc:Look.
Marc:He's an alright guy.
Marc:He's an alright guy?
Marc:What the fuck is his problem?
Marc:Don't you know how to block people on Twitter?
Marc:I'm trying to be open-hearted.
Marc:I don't block unless it's somebody, you know... It's like fighting the wind.
Guest:It's like fighting the wind.
Marc:I don't block sharp-winged people.
Marc:But that guy's got a fucking... Whatever, dude.
Marc:We don't have to talk about this all night.
Marc:If you think he's a good guy, then I'm just going to have to let it go with that.
Marc:He got drunk.
Marc:He's sad.
Marc:And then I got to get a fucking face full of shit from that dude.
Guest:I want you two to be friends.
Marc:I tried to be friends with him.
Guest:I now have a mission.
Guest:Do you know what I did to that guy?
Guest:Did you tell me in that hour when we talked about it?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Did we talk about that on the podcast that I basically stalked him?
Marc:No.
Marc:I went to your message board, and I read this shit.
Marc:It was basically he was campaigning to get people to think I was an asshole.
Marc:And he was misquoting my jokes to prove that I was somehow sexist or racist or something.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And that upset me.
Marc:So I saw what his avatar was, all right?
Marc:And then I did a Google search on his name, and then I tracked him to where he lived, okay?
Marc:That was awesome.
Marc:And then I went on to Facebook, and I looked up his name, and I put it in the city that I knew he lived in.
Marc:And then because of his avatar, I was able to know what his favorite movie was.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:And then I found that motherfucker, and I sent him a letter, and I said, you're misquoting my fucking joke.
Yeah.
Marc:I'm impressed.
Guest:That's awesome.
Guest:But why does it bother you?
Guest:It's one guy.
Guest:Look, all these people love you so much, and you're going to let one guy get under your skin?
Marc:Because he was trying to get under my skin.
Marc:It doesn't bother you?
Marc:What?
Marc:One guy?
Guest:Oh, no, one guy always bothers me.
Marc:You're doing that thing we did last night where you're like, what's wrong with you, Mark?
Marc:And then in your head you're like, it's the exact same thing that's wrong with me.
Marc:Yeah, I wouldn't say that part of it.
Guest:Because I know that's true.
Guest:We're the same.
Guest:It's like a bad movie when the guy's like, the hero and the villain are like, you and me, we're more alike than you think.
Guest:That's kind of... One of us has to get pushed out of the helicopter and fall to his death.
Guest:Who's the villain, though?
Guest:Who's the villain?
Guest:I guess it depends who's watching the movie.
Marc:Oh, it's one of those foreign films.
Marc:So I didn't realize that until... I knew it, but I felt bad because when we talked in my garage, I didn't bring it up, and I didn't get to it.
Marc:But you direct.
Marc:You directed the new Pornographer's video?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:We've done videos, a few videos.
Marc:And what was some of the other videos you directed?
Guest:We did a Ted Leo and the Pharmacist video.
Wow.
Guest:We shot it here, right on the stage.
Marc:He's the fucking nicest guy.
Marc:I know.
Marc:And he fucking rocks so hard.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:He's here.
Marc:He's in the room?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Ted.
Marc:I think he left.
Marc:He left?
Marc:He might have left.
Marc:He didn't want to sit and try and figure out who the villain was.
Marc:Are you here?
Marc:Hey, what's going on, dude?
Marc:Come up for a second.
Marc:I once saw you play today's Tom Sawyer on acoustic guitar and it was the fucking greatest thing I ever saw in my life.
Marc:Ted Leo, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Very exciting.
Marc:I just wanted to say hi.
Guest:I wanted to say it was good to see you and I always enjoy seeing you.
Guest:Hey, is there any chance you guys will add today's Tom Sawyer to the set?
Guest:You did play that, though, am I right?
Guest:It was Spirit of Radio.
Guest:Spirit of Radio.
Guest:Are you a Rush fan?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Is that something you share publicly?
Guest:I'm unabashed about it.
Guest:This is something that this guy and I have arguments about.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:What do you argue about?
Guest:Canadians like them a lot, and they're proud that they're from Canada.
Guest:So let's have the discussion about, I want to be part of it.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I say...
Guest:If you're from Canada, of course you're going to be proud of Rush.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:You're from Canada?
Marc:No, I'm from Jersey.
Marc:You're from Jersey?
Marc:So you're mad at him because he's from New Jersey and he's liking a Canadian band?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:He can like them.
Guest:I don't care who likes what.
Guest:I don't care.
Guest:I just don't think they're that good.
Guest:They're okay.
Guest:They're fine.
Guest:They're not the greatest band ever.
Guest:Of course they're not.
Guest:Go talk to someone from Canada about it.
Guest:They'll tell you that they are.
Marc:I was never fooled by the number of drums.
Marc:I was never fooled by that.
Marc:And the truth of the matter is, all that affectation, like, okay, to be honest with you, when I was in high school, I worked for a catering company, and we used to cater concerts, okay?
Marc:And I had to sit through fucking Rush three goddamn times, and I had to go get... What's the guitar player's name?
Marc:You fucked that guy.
Marc:I had to go... It's not even about skill, dude.
Marc:I'm a 15-year-old guy.
Marc:You know, my friends liked Rush.
Marc:I wasn't sold, because I have a blues-based brain, and whatever they were doing was just confusing and stupid.
Marc:Now...
Marc:Alright, so I'm the guy getting the food.
Marc:I'm there to serve shitty meat to these princes.
Marc:And what happens is the guy who runs the catering company who was also, I didn't realize this, was supplying bands with blow and weed and whatever the fuck else they needed.
Marc:He comes up to me and says, Alec Leifson needs a fan in his room because he's practicing on his classical guitar and his fingers are cramped or something.
Marc:He needs a fan.
Marc:I need you to go to my house to get this fucking baby a fan.
Guest:Or this professional who's trying to put on the best concert that he can give for the people who've paid to come see him that evening.
Guest:Now I'm siding with Rush now.
Guest:I'm sorry, Mark.
Guest:I'm with Rush.
Marc:Does anybody ever say, like, dude, I want to be Giddy Lee?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What's wrong with you?
Guest:What's wrong with you guys?
Guest:Where does that come from?
Guest:I've thought that a number of times in my life.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I'll cop to that gladly.
Guest:Oh, they're arrogant.
Guest:You didn't want to be Getty Lee.
Guest:People end up Getty Lee.
Guest:That's fair enough.
Guest:No.
Marc:It's like, alright, I guess I'm Getty Lee.
Marc:I just thought they were arrogant and there wasn't enough cock in their music.
Marc:And if there was cock, it was complicated.
Guest:It's like, wow, there's so much cock and it's all fucking weird.
Guest:You're right that there's virtually no cock.
Guest:It's not even that complicated, actually.
Guest:Okay, so they're cockless.
Guest:They're pretty cockless.
Marc:So what they're doing is overcompensating for their lack of cock with drums and classical guitars and that fucking hair.
Marc:You're not that great a bass player.
Marc:Who gives a shit about you?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:Look, we can talk about this all night, and we will continue this later.
Guest:I hope we do talk about it all night.
Guest:Very interesting.
Guest:That's actually too simple a view of them.
Guest:If you listen to some early Rush...
Guest:Smaller drum kit, much smaller drum kit in those days.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Are you telling me that there was a... You know what?
Guest:What?
Guest:The first album has some cock on it, actually.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Which album is it called?
Guest:Rush, self-titled.
Guest:Rush S slash T. Okay, that's it?
Marc:And when did 2012 or 2112 happen?
Marc:That was like their fourth album.
Marc:What was it, 2112 or 2012?
Guest:That was their... 2112.
Guest:That's their fourth album.
Marc:Oh, 2012.
Marc:That's the Ayn Rand one.
Marc:You don't want to...
Marc:2012 is when it's supposed to go down.
Marc:2012 is next year.
Guest:Right, again.
Guest:So wait, so 21-12.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's the one.
Guest:It's a good song.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:It felt like...
Marc:I felt like there was a little cock in there.
Marc:There was a little cock in there, too.
Marc:I think maybe there's more cock in there.
Marc:Now, Sharpwing, where are you standing on this?
Guest:I think I like Rush now.
Guest:I think you guys just won me over.
Guest:Do they sound like that?
Guest:Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
Guest:So now one of your fans is going to bring you Rush albums at every one of these things now?
Guest:You're going to end up with a stack of Rush albums?
Marc:No, they'll give me Rush cupcakes.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:The emails you're going to get after this, too.
Marc:But, I mean, you know what I'm talking about, dude.
Marc:I mean, like, there were bands when we were growing up that it was, like, it was fucking unbearable.
Marc:I had to cater the Toto concert.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We got some... Do you remember them?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We got some grief from Jeff Piccaro.
Yeah.
Marc:Actually, Rush was the only one that gave me grief.
Marc:Toto, I didn't even know enough about.
Marc:They all seemed ridiculous to me.
Marc:That keyboard sound that was in the 80s, what is the point of it?
Marc:What was the point of synthesizers?
Guest:Ask any of the millions of bands that are doing that today.
Guest:Burn.
Marc:Scorched.
Marc:Okay, so I'm sure your listeners know this, though, Tom.
Marc:Who are your guys?
Marc:Like, who are the guys that fucking make you feel alive, band-wise?
Marc:If you're like, oh, my God, where'd my penis go?
Marc:Who do you put on?
Guest:Like Herman's Hermits, you know, stuff like that.
Guest:You know, kind of mid-period, though.
Guest:Mid-period Herman's Hermits.
Guest:Not the hits.
Marc:You know, B-sides.
Marc:I got to try that.
Marc:I got to try that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you were in the video, weren't you?
Marc:Me?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Tom directed.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Tom directed it.
Marc:You were in it.
Guest:Oh, the pornographer.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yes, yes, yes.
Marc:And Horatio was in it and Wyatt was in it and Todd Berry was in it.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:You know, there's a name missing from that list, but I guess we weren't friends then or I don't know what.
Guest:What am I supposed to fly you across the country to be in this thing?
Guest:Do you know how much money I lost on that stupid video?
Guest:Let me budget in flying Mark across the country.
Guest:Maybe he'll show up and yell at me.
Guest:Great, he's here.
Guest:I'll pick him up at the airport.
Guest:He looks angry.
Marc:I would have done it, though.
Marc:I know you didn't just offer it.
Marc:You sort of said why you wouldn't do it.
Marc:But everybody was good.
Marc:It was fun.
Marc:Now, okay, so here you're sitting there.
Marc:You're crazy.
Marc:You want it to be brilliant.
Marc:And what's the idea process?
Marc:You got a song, and then you build a whole second story.
Guest:It's so boring.
Guest:It's so boring.
Guest:I'm telling you, it's so boring.
Marc:Tom, this is your secret life.
Guest:It's so boring.
Marc:All right, fuck it.
Marc:All right, all right, that's fine.
Guest:I'm just sparing them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Them, I'm sparing them.
Marc:Well, I don't know how to direct shit.
Marc:I can't, like, I've never directed a music video.
Marc:What my idea is directing is holding a flip cam like this on me.
Marc:All right, so, like, this is me making a movie.
Marc:Hey, what's up?
Marc:It's me, man.
Marc:I'm holding my flip cam.
Marc:I would see that movie.
Marc:You can.
Marc:I'm doing it in segments, different periods of my life.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So you just came up with the idea that you storyboarded it?
Guest:We came up with an idea because we couldn't have the band in it.
Guest:So it was like, how can we do the best video without access to the band?
Guest:Why couldn't you have the band in it?
Marc:Because they were on tour.
Marc:So they asked you to shoot a video and they weren't available?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:At first they were like, hey, maybe you could go to, they're playing on the 8th in Iowa City.
Guest:You can shoot.
Guest:It's like, great, we'll have 45 minutes with the band in the middle of Iowa to shoot this thing.
Guest:And somebody doesn't feel well and they're back in the hotel and now I just ruined everything.
Guest:And then it's like, no, I don't want to do that.
Guest:I need to be in control of this thing.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:So I know what I'll do.
Guest:Fuck the band.
Guest:Let me call my comic friends and have them.
Guest:And when I said it, I was like, this is what I'm going to do.
Guest:I'm going to get everybody I know to be in this thing.
Guest:And I had no one lined up.
Guest:There was a three-day window that was so terrifying where it was like,
Guest:no one's going to be in this thing.
Guest:And I told them everyone was going to be in this thing.
Guest:And then finally somebody was like, yeah, I'll be in the thing.
Guest:And Wyatt was like, yeah, I'll do it.
Guest:I'm like, really?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I might say no for you on this.
Guest:And Horatio, and everybody came.
Marc:I'm going to do my impression of Todd Berry.
Marc:I'm Todd Berry, and you call me and ask if I want to be in your video.
Marc:Hey, Todd.
Marc:Ouch.
Guest:What's up, buddy?
Guest:What's up?
Guest:Hey, we're doing a video.
Guest:One of you want to be in it.
Marc:Oh, video.
Marc:Ouch, buddy.
Marc:Apologize.
Marc:Where are we doing it?
Marc:Where are we doing it?
Marc:Where are we eating?
Guest:Where are we doing it?
Guest:Where are we eating?
Guest:He's here tonight.
Guest:Is he?
Guest:No.
Guest:No, he's not.
Marc:Ouch, buddy, don't.
Marc:Oh, buddy.
Marc:Well, I enjoyed the video.
Marc:It was good fun.
Marc:Can I just know this for my own fucking self?
Marc:Last night, I was on your show for two hours.
Guest:Yeah, it was fun.
Guest:You listed all the people.
Guest:We talked about your interviews and stuff.
Marc:Yeah, you threw me some curveballs.
Marc:Yeah, you put me in a position.
Guest:What's that like?
What's that like?
Guest:Oh, what an unfair way to be treated.
Guest:You're trapped in this guy's garage, and he starts rolling tape on you.
Guest:You didn't even know it started yet.
Guest:And all of a sudden, he starts talking about these things, and you're just like, hold on.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:First of all, I got lost in this neighborhood.
Guest:I barely found the thing.
Guest:He puts me in the garage.
Guest:I don't know what's going on, and it started already?
Guest:And then you're going to come up to my actual radio station where I was currently with the mics on and you're like, you threw me curveballs.
Guest:All I did was listen to things you ask people and wrote your name in front of the questions.
Marc:I'm glad I have that kind of influence on young interviewers.
Guest:It was fantastic.
Marc:It was truly great.
Marc:It was like a real conversation.
Marc:It was fun, but I heard that you don't usually keep people that long, so I'm flattered, and I appreciate it.
Marc:And that's honest.
Marc:That's genuine.
Marc:I like what you do, and I think we should do something together.
Guest:I know, right?
Guest:Get rid of...
Guest:Sam Seder.
Marc:No, we're not bringing Sam Seder.
Marc:No, we'll cut him out.
Marc:I'll be Sam Seder.
Marc:Well, you better start yelling.
Marc:You better start arguing with me over nothing.
Guest:Does anybody know where I could buy a box of bow ties?
Guest:Is there anybody wholesale bow ties?
Guest:I got two texts from him after that fucking show last night.
Guest:He even wrote on Twitter.
Guest:He's like, I think I really burned Mark up on this one.
Guest:What a fucking asshole.
Guest:He didn't win that.
Guest:Do you really not like him?
Guest:Or do you like him enough, but you can't work together with him?
Guest:It was like the odd couple.
Marc:I love him, but he's very difficult.
Marc:All right, so I get this text today after the show, because he called in.
Marc:I don't know if you heard it.
Marc:I did my best to get your goat, but you were unflappable.
Marc:And then in the same minute texting, well, 85% unflappable.
Marc:And then in the same minute, maybe 78%.
Guest:Because he used to really be able to get your goat.
Guest:He had the button.
Guest:He had access to the button.
Guest:Oh, that's a hard button to find.
Guest:You could probably see four buttons on me right now.
Guest:I remember one time he was like, Zach Galifianakis was on the best show, and he said something about Mark doing stand-up, and then you turned it into a 15-minute network all of a sudden, but about Zach Galifianakis.
Guest:Like, this bearded fucking college shit comic with the... And it was like... But then you backed off it later, and everybody was happy.
Marc:And then I called him on the fucking air on a live internet video show, and I told him I left a message with my phone number on a live internet video show, and I'm still getting texts of vaginas I don't know.
Guest:But Sam... But Sam was just like... He said to me off the air, he's like...
Guest:I hear Mark flip out.
Guest:Yeah, it's real funny.
Guest:And he's like, no, look, I did not find it funny.
Guest:Would I find that funny watching you get wound up?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Look, you're me.
Guest:It's like I finally get to watch somebody else get their buttons pressed, take everything personally.
Guest:What are we going to do?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:What are we going to do?
Guest:Maybe we should just walk into the ocean together.
Guest:What do you think about that?
Guest:All right.
Guest:Name a day.
Guest:Name a day.
Guest:Tonight.
Guest:You have two more guests.
Guest:We'll get in my car.
Guest:We'll drive right to the Jersey Shore.
Guest:We'll walk into the ocean.
Guest:Can we podcast it?
Guest:It'll all be over.
Guest:Yes, we can podcast.
Marc:Tom Sharpling, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Ted Leo.
Marc:Let's move down.
Marc:Ted, you can go watch if you want.
Marc:Nice seeing you.
Marc:That was so great.
Marc:My next guest is very funny.
Marc:He was on SNL.
Marc:He was also in the video that Tom shot.
Marc:And I have some questions for him.
Marc:Horatio Sanz, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:Thank you for having me.
Marc:Fuck yeah, man.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:What's going on?
Marc:You look fucking good.
Marc:Thank you very much, Mark.
Marc:Look how well-groomed in the glasses and everything.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Fucking beard is nice.
Guest:The beard hides my chin.
Guest:Same shirt.
Marc:Dude, the hipster uniform for the summer is nondescript plaid short sleeve.
Woo!
Marc:It's all I buy.
Marc:It's easy to buy.
Marc:You can get them at Target.
Marc:All right?
Marc:I literally go to Target.
Marc:I get five or six of roughly the same shirt, and I wear them, and then I throw them away after the summer.
Marc:But yours is long sleeve.
Guest:Mine is long sleeve, yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But, yeah, I rock the long sleeves all year long.
Guest:You do?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Don't you sweat?
Guest:Well, just this part.
Guest:For the podcast, I'm pointing to the part right below my elbow.
Guest:That's the only part that sweats?
Guest:That sweats when I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt rolled up like that.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You look so fucking healthy, man.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:I think there was a time where I was concerned about you.
Guest:Yeah, I was concerned about me.
Guest:Why?
Guest:I would go to bed and my chest would vibrate like I'd swallowed a vibrator and I passed out.
Guest:What was that from?
Guest:From my heart.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Just regular heart behavior was vibrating?
Guest:Just high blood pressure, borderline diabetes.
Marc:So I was right to be concerned.
Guest:Yeah, you were very, yeah.
Guest:And I'm a little sad that you didn't actually take me aside and go, hey, man, I'm here to save you, bro.
Marc:Dude, if I'm saying that to you, it's too late.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:Like, if I'm coming up to you all sweaty going, dude, you're out of fucking control.
Marc:No drugs involved?
Marc:Just regular eating and just running around?
Guest:Well, not regular.
Guest:Nothing was regular.
Guest:Just a lot of drinking and a lot of eating.
Marc:Okay, well, let me ask you an honest question about the role you played.
Marc:And I don't know if this is old history or whatever, but there is a history to the heavier dude on SNL dying.
Marc:But no, but did you model yourself?
Marc:Were you like, I'm going to be that fucking dude and just eat shit and fucking die?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:The short answer is yes.
Guest:Although, you know, I don't think I was completely aware of it.
Guest:My subconscious, I think, was.
Guest:And yeah, I think I was going right down that path.
Guest:Yeah, but it was fun, right?
Guest:Oh, yeah, a lot of fun.
Guest:It was fun until it got unbearable.
Marc:Yeah, and what was that moment?
Marc:Was it a vibrating chest moment?
Guest:It was a lot of those moments, but also it just got too sad to drink.
Marc:Oh, that's the worst.
Guest:That really sucks.
Guest:Even when you're drunk, you're getting depressed.
Marc:Oh, you're not winning.
Guest:And then I'm like, well, now I have to stop because it's not fun anymore, and I'm killing myself.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:So you outlived the fun.
Yeah.
Marc:That's the worst feeling.
Guest:I think about that often.
Guest:I'm like, now what?
Guest:Now I'm like kind of a chubby dude who watches Pawn Stars.
Guest:And I guess I come out here to Brooklyn occasionally.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Where are you living, though?
Marc:Do you live here?
Marc:I live in Chelsea.
Marc:Oh, you do?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, so you don't live in L.A.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I thought you were moving out there.
Marc:You're not moving out there.
Marc:I'm trying to.
Marc:For what?
Marc:Why would you do that?
Marc:Seriously.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:A lot of friends are there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I like driving.
Marc:Yeah, me too.
Marc:Yeah, it's fucking fun to drive.
Marc:And there's something about being in New York City where your time just gets eaten away.
Marc:I don't know what it is, but in L.A., everything just plods by.
Marc:It's like days are fucking endless.
Marc:And here, you wake up, you have money, and then come 9 o'clock at night, you have no money.
Marc:And now all of a sudden it's 12.30.
Marc:Right?
Marc:That's like every day here.
Guest:I saw you in Montreal and you said something that spoke to me, which was you said, all I have left in my life is to go back to the hotel and have a pint of ice cream.
Marc:Did I say that out of nowhere?
Marc:You were doing a stand-up.
Marc:Oh, I was on stage.
Marc:You didn't just come up to me.
Marc:Because we don't even know each other.
Marc:That would be weird if I just walked up to you out of all people and said, all I have left.
Guest:But you probably would have said, yes, I'll come hang out and have ice cream.
Guest:I would have, yeah.
Guest:And so that's kind of what I do nowadays also is I have to have fat-free, like half the fat ice cream.
Guest:People are just so sad.
Marc:Have you ever done Weight Watchers?
Marc:No.
Marc:I've done that before.
Marc:I don't know what kind of eater you are, but what's really fun is if you don't feel like you can eat the things that are bad for you, you can find out as many things as possible that aren't that bad for you and just shove them into your fucking face.
Marc:There's a lot of tricks.
Marc:What kind of desserts are you doing?
Guest:Um...
Guest:The dessert I've been doing a lot lately is the Rice Krispie squares.
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Which are called marshmallow squares for contractual reasons.
Guest:At Starbucks.
Guest:But I kind of figured out how to do all my bad foods, but to get them a little more healthy.
Guest:Like they sell fake meatballs.
Guest:Fake meatballs?
Guest:I make fake meatballs and they taste kind of like meat.
Guest:What are they made out of?
Guest:They're made out of soy.
Guest:And then I make like a fake chicken parm with like fake chicken.
Guest:Wheat bread.
Guest:Wait, how is chicken bad?
Guest:Chicken is not bad, but the fried stuff on the chicken is good.
Guest:Basically, I've become a scientist in coming up with ways to eat all my shitty foods in a little bit healthier way.
Marc:Do you eat the Rice Krispie squares really fast?
Guest:No.
Marc:That's the fun part when you're like that.
Guest:It's like fucking a model.
Guest:You want it to last.
Guest:You don't want to just jizz and leave.
Yeah.
Marc:I was married to a model.
Marc:That goes away.
Marc:Because eventually you're like, you were an idea of you.
Guest:Alec Baldwin, when he hosted the show, I remember we were waiting to rehearse something, and he looked down the hallway, and it was a pretty ordinary-looking woman.
Guest:He's like, oh, man, wouldn't you want to fuck that?
Guest:I'm like, this fucking guy's fucking Kim Basinger.
Guest:And he's over it.
Guest:This is before the divorce.
Guest:I'm like, we're all doomed.
Guest:If he can't be happy with what he has, no one can.
Marc:Have you been married?
Marc:No, I'm not.
Marc:I'd do it again.
Marc:Are you going to do it?
Marc:No?
Marc:Why not?
Marc:That's true.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:Because it ends horribly and you end up broke?
Yeah.
Marc:I mean, usually that's why not.
Marc:But it's... It'll end horribly anyway, though, won't it, if it's supposed to?
Marc:Well, it ends badly for everybody, yes.
Marc:But I mean, but... And you're alone, usually, in that moment.
Marc:And let's not go there.
Marc:But I mean...
Marc:I think marriage can be okay, but the contract is never honored.
Marc:Nothing's going to make them stay if they want to leave.
Guest:Right, but what if it makes your woman more... Answer the phone.
Marc:And that ring's not cute.
Marc:It's like an old phone.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:I fucking hate that ring.
Marc:Just have a stupid, high-tech, dumb ring.
Marc:Don't be like... It's not clever.
Marc:You didn't even think of it.
Marc:You selected it as some ironic stupidity.
Guest:It's like an old phone.
Guest:Their wallpaper is probably a picture of an old phone, right?
Guest:Check this out.
Marc:I have this weird building Miami vice ring that it just starts out like... And then it slowly builds and gets louder.
Marc:I don't know how to fucking change it.
Marc:So when I wake up, there's this weird slow motion moment where I'm like, yeah.
Marc:Because I use it for my alarm.
Marc:I like cigars, too.
Guest:You want one?
Marc:No, I don't.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:Take the one you like.
Marc:I like the really strong ones.
Marc:But you just bought these, right?
Marc:That's okay.
Guest:And I left the price on there just in case you wanted to take one.
Marc:No, I know what these cost.
Marc:Do you have a cutter?
Marc:I don't.
Marc:What the fucking?
Marc:All right.
Guest:Jesus.
Marc:All right, I'll take it for later.
Guest:But I don't want to take yours.
Guest:That's okay.
Guest:I'm not going to smoke two.
Guest:Yeah, you will.
Guest:Like some monster smokes two cigars at once.
Marc:I can't eat things I like anymore.
No.
Marc:So I talked to Adam McKay.
Marc:You guys started out together, you and McKay?
Guest:Yeah, back in Chicago.
Guest:We were in the group that became the UCB.
Guest:We were the founding members of that group.
Marc:Was there bitterness there?
Marc:Were you like, you know, fuck those guys?
Marc:There was for a little bit.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, before I got on SNL, I was a little bitter.
Marc:Like about Besser and Polar?
Guest:Yeah, I'm like, they have a TV show.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm sitting here in Second City.
Guest:But were you the guy that said, I'm not going to fucking New York?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I'm like, I'm not going to take all my shit and just go out there with nothing.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:So, yeah, no, no.
Guest:I wasn't a part of that group for a while, but, yeah, that was a different incarnation of that group.
Marc:But McKay said you guys staged some sort of protest and you were put, what was that about?
Guest:We would do fake protests out on the street and, you know, take the audience out.
Guest:One time we took, you know, we staged a murder at his apartment.
Yeah.
Guest:And the audience was brought out into like right by his window.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then these people were fighting.
Guest:They were told to start fighting and then there was a murder.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so then we had one where it was, we were going to overthrow the government.
Guest:So we had torches, some actual torches and some fake ones, some fake guns.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We went out to the street, and at that time, Dan Rostenkowski was under investigation.
Guest:He's a Democratic Speaker of the House, I think.
Guest:I was chanting, kill Rostenkowski, kill Rostenkowski, and I walked out onto North Avenue, which is one of the biggest thoroughfares there in Chicago.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And traffic stopped.
Guest:And I'm like, cool.
Guest:I've stopped traffic in both directions.
Guest:I'm like, this is awesome.
Guest:And then I could feel the heat of the blue light on my face going around.
Guest:And I'm like, well, fuck.
Guest:These cops are going to do something.
Guest:But I couldn't let go of the bit.
Guest:I couldn't be like...
Guest:We're just actors, man.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:Because the whole crowd was out there.
Guest:So I'm like, fight the power.
Guest:Kill Rostankowski.
Guest:And so the cops just threw me into the police car and drove off.
Guest:And the audience is like, how the fuck did they do that?
Yeah.
Guest:They got the Chicago police to put a ratio in there and take them away.
Guest:And when I tell the story, I like to say, yeah, I stayed in character, and it was awesome.
Guest:But as soon as I got in the car, I'm like, I'm an actor.
Guest:We're just doing a bit, man.
Guest:Please just let me go.
Marc:And what'd they do?
Guest:Well, first they went and got a burrito.
Guest:They did not.
Marc:They did.
Guest:They went and got a burrito and they left me in the backseat.
Guest:Were you cuffed?
Guest:I was cuffed in the backseat and they're like, all right, we'll be right back.
Guest:And they went, had dinner, had a big burrito.
Guest:And they came back in, they're like...
Guest:All right, what the fuck was all that shit?
Guest:And like I said, I'm not lying.
Guest:We were just doing a show.
Guest:We do it every week here at Kill the Poets.
Guest:That was the name of the venue, man.
Guest:Kill the Poets.
Marc:Yeah, right on.
Marc:You guys are cutting-edge performance art shit out the street.
Marc:Fuck yeah.
Guest:And then I spent the night in jail.
Guest:No, you did not.
Guest:I did, yeah.
Guest:So the kill the poet thing didn't get you off, huh?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:They booked me and they put me in jail.
Guest:But they kind of, they were nice to me.
Guest:They put me in a cell by myself so I wouldn't get raped or beat up or anything.
Guest:That's a fucking good story.
Guest:Horatio Sanz, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:Move down one.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:This next gentleman, maybe you recently watched his one-hour Comedy Central special.
Marc:You've seen him on The Daily Show.
Marc:Very funny.
Marc:Wyatt Cenac!
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hi, Wyatt.
Hi.
Marc:I didn't see where that book came from.
Guest:It was under my arm.
Guest:I've decided I'm going to try to make myself look more educated and just walk around with books all the time.
Guest:Did you bring that book with you?
Guest:It was with me when I showed up, yeah.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Are you reading it?
Guest:No.
Marc:No.
Marc:It was just to look educated.
Marc:Here's how I handle books like this.
Marc:This looks like a lot of book.
Marc:It's a lot of book.
Marc:Race, Murder, and a Generation on the Edge.
Marc:Right?
Marc:That's everything that you need to know.
Guest:Yes, as someone in the audience just made the noise, dun, dun, dun.
Marc:And here's what I do.
Marc:I'll open up to about here.
Marc:I'll look at the table of contents.
Guest:Part one, blood of the lamb.
Guest:Fuck yeah.
Guest:Well, here's what I did.
Guest:I go to the pictures.
Marc:Yeah, that's all you need to do.
Marc:Well, but hold on.
Marc:Where are the pictures?
Guest:Easy, man.
Guest:Let's not freak out.
Guest:We got time.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:We don't have time, man.
Guest:This is... We've got to do... Oh, shit.
Guest:There are the pictures.
Guest:There's the pictures.
Guest:But hold on.
Guest:This was my favorite picture from the book that was like, okay, I'll read it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Was just like... Malcolm X.
Guest:What, you assume you can't see a picture of Malcolm X?
Marc:No, I'm just naming black people I know from history.
Guest:There's just like, in the book, yeah, there's Malcolm X, there's Eldridge Cleaver, and then there's a naked woman in front of a typewriter.
Guest:For no reason.
Marc:That's Xavier Hollander, who wrote that column in Penthouse that I used to read when I was a little kid.
Marc:Do you remember that column?
Marc:Call Me Madam.
Marc:She used to write that column in Penthouse, and my dad used to get Penthouse, and I'd read him.
Marc:She's a famous prostitute.
Marc:I don't know, I'm 14.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:What?
Marc:The happy hooker.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:That's somebody who's really old.
Marc:Older than me, even.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, she was a famous prostitute.
Marc:So how does she fit into all of this?
Marc:I... What's that?
Guest:Read the book!
Guest:Right now?
Guest:Right now?
Guest:All right.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Let's get in this.
Guest:I guess, should we start with the introduction or just, let's go, let's... The streets of New York City are saturated with blood.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is more than a metaphor.
Guest:In the largest city of the United States, generations of inhabitants have given their lives to the wheels of progress.
Marc:They have been struck and killed by taxis, buses, or subway trains, thrown off buildings onto the sidewalk below, trapped in burning tenements and charred to death, blown up by exploding manholes.
Marc:covers, electrocuted by falling telephone wires, mugged, stabbed, or shot by depraved and desperate criminals.
Marc:Am I doing Jamie Kilstein's act?
Marc:Shot dead in the streets.
Marc:I'm sorry, Jamie.
Marc:I just couldn't help myself.
Marc:Where are we at, Wyatt?
Marc:Are you on the show here?
Marc:On your show right now?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Sure, yeah.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Yeah, I'm still here.
Marc:How did this special go over?
Guest:It seems like apparently that guy liked it.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It seems like it went over all right.
Guest:The network, I guess, they were happy with it and did what it was supposed to do, which I don't know.
Guest:They were like, oh, yeah, did the demo and the numbers and all that.
Marc:And you were in the Tom Sharpling's video.
Guest:I was in the music video as well.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What's up, Tom?
Marc:Did Wyatt do a good job in the video?
Marc:I can't stop staring at the icing on the cable.
Marc:Eat it.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:That actually, the obsessive compulsive thing, that reminded me, because you guys were talking about you following, like, tracking down some dude.
Marc:There's one guy, man.
Marc:This guy, David.
Marc:And I, you know, I...
Marc:You know, I thought we'd fucking made peace, dude, and then he got on Twitter drunk, fucking sad little lonely jerk that he is, and he started busting my balls with his goddamn avatar of him and his cat.
Marc:I don't fucking need it.
Marc:And I'm not saying we're not alike, okay?
Marc:I have a feeling we're a lot alike.
Guest:He's winning.
Guest:Oh, I'm sure, yeah.
Guest:He's winning?
Guest:He's winning because of this.
Guest:Let it go.
Guest:That's the weird thing, though, because, like, I've, like... Let me eat my sadness away.
Guest:Yeah, just eat that pain away.
Marc:Watch me, Horatio.
Marc:Watch me and cry.
Marc:There's fucking peanut butter in there.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It looks beautiful.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:It looks beautiful.
Marc:Here, watch this.
Marc:This is my impression of a morality play.
Marc:One bite won't kill you.
Guest:Yeah!
Yeah!
Guest:Someone bring me a shot of Jameson's.
Guest:It's over.
Marc:I just became an evil dick.
Marc:I'm sorry, Tom.
Marc:I apologize to your fan.
Marc:I'm done with that.
Marc:I apologize for making you eat.
Marc:Oh, it's not done yet.
Marc:It's not?
Guest:It's not done.
Guest:You just brought it back to life.
Guest:What were you going to say?
Guest:Well, just because that's why occasionally people have said, oh, why aren't you on Twitter or on any of that shit?
Guest:And I don't do it because I'm afraid of having moments like that.
Guest:right like and i've had i had one on facebook and when i still had facebook and i was like okay you know what it's time to check out because what happened i had uh we like every year at the show we do like a sort of like group activity where we like go to the beach or something like that and so you have group activities yeah yeah yeah
Marc:We're gonna get in a bus, and you're like, we're going to the beach yet?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Come on!
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:Does John go?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, he does not.
Marc:He does.
Guest:You go, wait, you guys take fucking field trips?
Guest:Not all, it's not like every, it's not every Thursday, it's just like...
Guest:Once in the summer, we have a group activity that we do.
Marc:What does that mean?
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:You play ball?
Guest:So this one was like, okay, everybody's going to Sandy Hook, New Jersey to go to the beach or something.
Guest:And so the day that we were doing it was on this Friday.
Guest:And initially, because I think I was still pretty new, I was like, oh, I'm not going to do that.
Guest:I'm going to take Friday off.
Guest:Yeah, fuck that, right?
Guest:And then...
Guest:And then it came down, and it was like, well, if you don't go to Beach Day, then you have to come into the office.
Guest:So it was... This is the fucking Daily Show.
Guest:It's a sweatshop.
Guest:You're getting a sugar rush.
Guest:You're getting a sugar rush, and this is what's happening.
Guest:Let's go through the steps here.
Guest:Let's walk this back.
Guest:Just calm it down.
Guest:You're in a safe spot, buddy.
Guest:You need to hug it out?
Guest:No, I want to go on a field trip.
Okay.
Guest:After this, we'll go cruise the Gowanus Canal.
Guest:No, me and Tom.
Guest:Tom and I are going to the beach.
Guest:Yeah, tonight we die.
Guest:Tonight we die.
Guest:Everybody's welcome to come, too.
Guest:So I had decided initially, it was like, oh, yeah, I'll meet my friend.
Guest:I was like, I'll meet up with my friend Sandy, and we'll go hang out.
Guest:And then it was like, oh, no, I've got to go to this thing.
Guest:So I was like, hey, I can't hang out.
Guest:I've got to go to the beach.
Guest:For a daily show field trip.
Guest:Yeah, and we had food.
Guest:There was a cookout and stuff.
Guest:So I went to this thing, and then I got a text message from my friend that was like,
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:I know that you're not.
Guest:You fucking lied to me.
Guest:If you want to hang out, why didn't you say so?
Guest:And I call her back, and I'm like, what the hell are you talking about?
Guest:And she was like, I know you're at some bar in Brooklyn.
Guest:And I'm like, no, I'm not.
Guest:I'm in Sandy Hook, New Jersey, wherever the fuck that is.
Guest:And she was like, no, you're at some bar.
Guest:I saw it on Twitter.
Guest:And so then I got home, and I fucking searched it on Twitter.
Guest:And so this woman had put this tweet out that was like, tweeting this on behalf of my husband, and then like quotes, sitting next to Wyatt Senac at Havana Outpost, considering telling him he's not funny.
Guest:So my friend thought she was diming me out, but the tweet that dimed me out was also shitting on me.
Guest:And it's not fucking true, so I got really fucking pissed about this, because I was like, first off, I didn't want to have to even go into this world, and now I've gone in, and it's not even like, oh, I'm sitting next to this dude, he's so cute.
Guest:It's like, I'm sitting next to this motherfucker I hate.
Guest:And like...
Guest:and so i was like i was like son of a bitch and i didn't have twitter and i was like i and then but i had facebook so i was like i saw the woman's like facebook handle or twitter handle yeah you went you went stalking so i was like i was like i bet she has a facebook if she has a twitter fuck yeah find her on facebook
Guest:And then I found her husband on Facebook.
Marc:Fuck that guy.
Guest:Well, hold on.
Guest:First, I found her and I wrote her this note because I saw that we had a mutual friend in common, this girl that I went to college with.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:And so I wrote her this note and I was like, hey, I saw your Twitter message.
Guest:I tell your husband I'll work on being funnier just for him.
Guest:Also, I noticed that you know my friend from college.
Guest:It's funny how small the world is.
Guest:And then, like, I just kind of let that one go.
Guest:Then I wrote to her husband.
Guest:I was like, hey, man, that wasn't me at Havana Outpost.
Guest:It's good that you didn't say anything because you really could have offended that dude.
LAUGHTER
Guest:this kept getting bigger right well so then the next day they both like write me back and like you know fucking tails between their legs and shit and i like and for a moment i was like yeah fuck yeah like just like like if like my dick could turn into thor's hammer just like fucking eat it like
Guest:Yeah, it's a smaller world than you think, assholes.
Guest:Can't say what you want.
Guest:But then I was like, no, what the fuck am I doing?
Guest:And then I think it was like two days after that, I was like, I'm fucking ejecting from this shit.
Guest:Because I know that if I'm going to do that for that, it's just a sad, terrible vortex of just fucking picking off people.
Guest:No, you don't want to go down that road.
Marc:I have a no troll engagement policy.
Marc:But you engage with a troll.
Marc:No, I'm selective.
Marc:I'm selective.
Marc:And every time I engage, a lot of times within seconds, they're like, sorry, man, didn't know you were real.
Guest:You just can't beat this one guy.
Guest:You can't beat him.
Guest:He's got you.
Guest:Did you invent him?
Guest:No.
Guest:I know who he is.
Guest:Where does he live?
Guest:Why don't you just tell him, you win.
Guest:Just say it right now.
Guest:You win, David.
Marc:He's wrong.
Marc:He's wrong, and there's something that he sees in me that he can relate to, and he can't live with it.
Marc:So now I'm paying for his inability for him to fucking accept his inner mark.
Marc:And I'm not going to fucking play that game.
Marc:Either he owns up to the fucking lie that he's living.
Marc:Holy shit, what is wrong with me?
Guest:Yeah, see?
Guest:Eat that cupcake.
Guest:Get in there.
Guest:Get in.
Guest:Get in.
Guest:Just dig in.
Guest:It's okay.
Guest:I think I swallowed my nicotine lozenge.
Guest:Oh, oh, oh.
Guest:You are going to be pooping cigarettes.
Guest:That's what happens.
Guest:You swallow a Nicorette.
Guest:It comes out, you pooping a cigarette.
Marc:I'm trying to live for you now, Horatio.
Guest:I'm living for you.
Guest:Yeah, man, I wish I could eat those Nicorette gums.
Marc:What you've all seen is a performance piece I'm working on called Cupcakes and Twitter Hate.
Marc:And I think it went really well.
Marc:I appreciate you directing me in that.
Marc:I know it was kind of weird to throw it on.
Guest:I've got some notes.
Marc:Yeah, okay.
Marc:That's great.
Marc:We'll do notes after.
Marc:By the way, that fella David we're talking about, him and I are fine.
Marc:And he knows that.
Marc:He's co-writing the show with you.
Marc:Yeah, it's great.
Marc:I disagree with him with the musical number, but he seems to be one of your guys.
Marc:So we're going to do that.
Marc:And that's fine.
Marc:And I love that guy.
Guest:You act like he's my roommate or something.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, I'm like, down the hall, I can tell him to knock it off.
Marc:You did tell him to knock it off.
Guest:Yeah, I did, but I don't live with the guy.
Marc:He lives on your site.
Marc:He lives on your friends of Tom.
Marc:It says friends of Tom.
Marc:He's your friend.
Marc:He's in your house.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:If I was a judge, that does seem like legally.
Guest:Fair enough.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I got to say that I would, yeah.
Guest:He said friends of Tom.
Guest:Then technically he is a friend of Tom.
Guest:There's a weird thing about doing this.
Guest:This is the second time I've done your show.
Marc:When were you on it?
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:You were on one of the first ones.
Marc:We had a great time.
Guest:Well, yeah, because you made a whole big to-do about, like, I finally got a black person on the show.
Guest:I'm surprised you haven't, like, fucking bronzed that show and just put it, when you go to the WTF website, it's not just up there and, like, Hall of Fame.
Guest:Mark knows a black guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:you're getting into this is getting into pay episode but here's the interesting thing is like you like everybody i listen to your show and everybody has like a beef with you you've never been like like you've never been like shitty to me and like i feel bad like i feel like like is it like is it like is it a racial thing what that i'm treating you nicely yeah
Guest:Like, in general, most people want everybody to treat them nicely, but, like, your thing is that you treat everybody like shit.
Guest:And so I feel like if I'm equal, then I should get to be treated like shit, too.
Guest:Like, this is Dr. King's dream, man.
Guest:Dr. King dreamed of a world where Marc Maron treated white comics and black comics, Jews and Gentiles, gay and straight, wolf people and humans with the same amount of derision...
Marc:I have no idea why you're successful.
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Yes!
Marc:Oh!
Marc:You know, I used to... But the weird thing is, I just brought up that black stuff because you're black.
Marc:And I've been getting some pressure, you know, about this idea that I don't have black friends.
Marc:And I do.
Marc:I don't have any friends.
Marc:You know, I have black acquaintances, but I have very few friends.
Marc:Sam's my friend, but I barely see him.
Marc:I can't be out in the world making friends with every ethnicity just because it's the right thing to do.
Marc:And I'm serious.
Marc:How many friends do you fucking have?
Guest:I'm not saying make friends.
Guest:I'm saying shit on people.
Guest:Your friendship is based on fucking anger.
Marc:I didn't want to shit on you for racial reasons.
Guest:I'm not saying shit on me for racial reasons.
Guest:I'm saying look beyond that to the content of my character and find whatever that thing is that you
Guest:do where you're like oh that guy's driving me crazy because he's standing in the way of other shit well okay all right all right there was a period there when you were discussing why you brought the book where i was pretty sure that was going nowhere
Guest:I was giving a gift to your friends.
Marc:No, you had no idea where you were going to go.
Marc:I walked up to you before the show.
Marc:I said, what are we talking about?
Marc:And you're like, I'm empty.
Marc:I got nothing.
Marc:And then you came up here with your book, and you took a shot at it, and it almost went nowhere.
Marc:And then we read, and then I realized, holy shit, that's why he's funny, because he saved it.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Guest:Right, but also, I'm a guest.
Guest:This is your home.
Guest:You should have had some shit.
Guest:Go on Wikipedia.
Guest:Fucking...
Guest:Go to your Twitter followers and ask them, what questions should I ask this man?
Guest:You do the podcast and I have to do all the work?
Guest:This is your show, man.
Marc:Apparently you don't listen to it very often.
Marc:I do listen to it.
Marc:Look, I... What?
Marc:Did you just go...
Guest:I thought he said Orion.
Guest:Yeah, that the god Orion was going to come down on like a golden bull.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Floating in the middle of the room and make everybody love each other up here and make us all feel good about ourselves.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Are we okay?
Marc:Us?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:If not, Orion!
Marc:The truth of the matter is, I didn't really want to bring that stuff up.
Marc:And the reason I don't have any resentment against you is that you used to do characters on the Marc Maron show when I did a radio show out of Los Angeles.
Marc:And I thought you were so fucking genius with those things.
Marc:In a rare instance, because no one knew who you were when we were doing those.
Guest:No, and I love you for that because you're one of the few people who actually would do shit for me.
Marc:Oh, thanks.
Marc:But you did such great characters.
Marc:I had such a great time doing it.
Marc:It was a rare thing that when you got success, I had that moment where I'm like, I found him first.
Marc:And I was proud to be part of it because you were so fucking talented at those things.
Marc:So I'm sorry if I didn't resent you, but now I've got a fucking problem with you because...
Marc:Apparently all this fame and shit's got in your head and you think you can just walk out on a talk show completely unprepared and do some bullshit riff about a book and then yell at the host for not doing his fucking job.
Marc:Who the fuck are you?
Marc:Wyatt Sinek.
Guest:Can I give you a real genuine moment?
Guest:What?
Guest:I thanked you at the end of my special.
Guest:You did not.
Guest:I did.
Guest:Your special thanks, Mark Maron.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I thanked you.
Guest:Because you were one of the first people.
Guest:Like, I thanked you.
Guest:I thanked John.
Guest:I thanked Colin Quinn.
Guest:Like, y'all were people who, like, in, like, at different stages.
Marc:You just took away part of it.
Guest:You got high billing.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Marc:See, how would you have felt about that, Tom?
Guest:You're not going to kill yourself tonight now, are you?
Marc:I don't know how to... I have a hard time feeling... What do you call it?
Marc:I don't... Joy, emotion.
Marc:Let's not go there.
Marc:For me, there's anger and crying.
Marc:Those are the two emotions.
Marc:And mania.
Marc:Mania occasionally.
Marc:No, but I was very happy for your success.
Marc:And I have no beef with you at all.
Marc:But I think we explored it a little bit.
Marc:And I think you're right.
Marc:I have to resent all people equally.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:Riot Sinek, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Horatio Sands, Tom Sharpling, Sam Lipsight, Kevin Allison.
Marc:Kick on the music, maestro.
Guest:Here's a couple of new catchers.
Guest:Thank you for coming to the Bell House for live WTF.
Guest:This is one of the best shows we've done.
I really thank you guys.
Good night.