Episode 191 - Will Arnett, Keith Robinson, Marina Franklin, Judy Gold, Jon Benjamin, Jonathan Katz
Marc:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Marc:How?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF.
Marc:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:All right, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers.
Guest:This is live WTF from the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York.
Guest:Thank you so much for coming.
Guest:Oh, God, I still can't handle the love.
Guest:That's so fucking ridiculous.
Marc:This is the second time this has happened where there's so much applause and now I'm going to cry?
Marc:Cry?
Marc:What kind of bullshit is that?
Guest:I'm a professional entertainer.
Guest:I don't cry.
Guest:All right, all right.
Guest:Oh, yeah, I get it.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I've played this game before.
Marc:Let's make Mark cry.
Marc:That'll be real.
Marc:Yeah, we saw him in Brooklyn, man.
Marc:It was weird.
Marc:He said he was crying.
Marc:No one believed it, and then he cried.
Marc:It was uncomfortable, but a lot of people were there to love him, and he just said, fuck you, and walked off.
Marc:Thank you so much for all the... I've got a melting chocolate cupcake.
Marc:We've got Oreo cupcakes.
Marc:We've got a green one, which I'm not completely comfortable with.
Marc:There's pies up here that were brought.
Marc:Now, you know, this is all very nice.
Marc:Look at this.
Marc:This is a Marin Sampler what-the-fuck cake.
Marc:Now, what I find interesting, and I'm very grateful for the goodies, and I'm excited to... You have to understand, and I've explained this to you many times.
Marc:I can't throw that shit out.
Marc:Do you know what that means?
Marc:Like, I'm incapable of throwing it away, which means that it will go back to my hotel room.
Marc:I don't know how many times I've explained this.
Marc:I love you.
Marc:I love... Look what's fucking happening to my stomach!
Marc:I love you.
Marc:This is all good, but I'm going to fucking sit there in my hotel room and eat this shit in front of my girlfriend and cry.
Marc:And then for three days, I'm going to say, why the fuck did I do that?
Marc:Why did I do that?
Marc:I'm just kidding.
Marc:I won't say that.
Marc:I'm excited to eat them.
Marc:I, um... It's okay.
Marc:Here's a couple of things.
Marc:For those listening, if you can hear the heat, the, uh...
Marc:The air conditioner is not working, but they've done something sort of I have a problem with.
Marc:Like, I told you it wasn't going to work, right?
Marc:I said that.
Marc:But now they did that thing where they're like, it's working at half speed.
Marc:We sent someone out for fuses.
Marc:So now it's sort of like the same situation of, is there a God or is there no God?
Marc:I'm in that same weird conundrum of like, are we going to be given the gift of cool air or is it all bullshit?
Marc:Am I being misled by a guy who looked like he fixes things?
No.
Marc:This heat kind of fucks me up because I sweat.
Marc:And I've been sweating profusely since I was in sixth grade.
Marc:I was advanced in my sweating.
Marc:I don't know if I have any kindred spirits in that.
Marc:Where...
Marc:So, okay, so are you telling me you were the guy that had premature pit stains?
Marc:So you were the guy that, for some reason, you didn't have hair on your dick yet, but you had pits under your armpits?
Marc:And people were like, what the fuck is that?
Marc:And all I could say was, I'm sick.
Marc:Or it's a grown-up thing.
Marc:I don't know if I've ever told this sad story, but I'm going to tell it because I'm starting to sweat like this.
Marc:And who knew the Jufro?
Marc:Back.
Marc:It's back.
Marc:It's back.
Marc:All right, I was in a little rock and roll outfit in seventh grade, and I'm just going to share this with you.
Marc:I don't know if there's funny at the end of it, but far be it from me to do that.
Marc:So I was jamming with my friend Dean in seventh grade, and for some reason when I put a guitar on, I immediately explode in sweat, like sweat just comes pouring out of me.
Marc:I haven't been able to figure out why yet, but it happens.
Marc:So we're playing seventh graders.
Marc:I'm playing guitar.
Marc:Dean's on drums.
Marc:Of course, that was the whole band.
Marc:And these girls came over that we'd invited over.
Marc:So I started sweating a lot.
Marc:And I sweat through my shirt to the point where the girls could not appreciate the fact that we couldn't play guitar, but it was still impressive that we were playing them.
Marc:But I was sweating through my clothes.
Marc:And it was fucking horrendous.
Marc:So Dean says, why don't you go into my bedroom and put on another shirt?
Marc:So I come out and I put on his putt-putt golf shirt.
Marc:He had a putt-putt golf.
Marc:Yeah, whatever.
Marc:So...
Marc:So I walk out trying to be cool and just play it off like I just had to change my shirt.
Marc:And Dean stops drumming and says, that's my favorite fucking shirt.
Marc:I won the putt-putt championship of that shirt.
Marc:You can't fuck that shirt up.
Marc:So now I had to shamefully walk back to the room, take off the putt-putt golf shirt, and put my sweaty shirt back on.
Marc:And needless to say, I didn't get laid that day.
Marc:But you know what?
Marc:I had no idea how to do that anyways.
Marc:What else is going on?
Marc:I'm happy to be back in New York.
Marc:I've decided that New York is much better than L.A.
Marc:I decided that.
Marc:And I live in L.A.
Marc:I'm perfectly comfortable there, but I realized I never see regular people doing things in Los Angeles.
Marc:You can walk two blocks in this city in any direction, and there's some fucking guy fixing something.
Marc:There's something being fixed on the street.
Marc:There's a guy sweating.
Marc:We saw two guys with tools eating ice cream today.
Marc:I can't see that anywhere.
Marc:But I realized the great thing about New York is it's actually like a giant automobile that's gone too many miles and is always fucked up and requires constant maintenance.
Marc:So there's always people just with wrenches and sweat and tool belts keeping this fucking city going.
Marc:And it gives it some sort of integrity.
Marc:There's hope in that.
Marc:Like, thanks for keeping it running.
Marc:Also, I held my friend's baby today.
Marc:No, dude, I don't know what's happened, but I'm buying this kid presents.
Marc:The kid's four weeks old.
Marc:I can't walk by baby stores without buying him shirts.
Marc:I'm giving this kid, like I didn't even care about my brother's kids that much, but my friend's kid.
Marc:My friend has this kid and I'm like, I'm just buying a presence, right?
Marc:It.
Marc:See, I got to get over that.
Marc:I'm buying him presents.
Marc:But this was the first time I saw the baby.
Marc:And I don't know if anyone else has this experience where I am at the same time very excited to see a baby, but I am absolutely horrified at the baby.
Marc:How do you not break those things?
Marc:Do you have babies?
Marc:Like he said, do you want to hold it?
Marc:I'm like, I don't fucking know.
Marc:Am I supposed to?
Marc:Can you just hold them?
Marc:And I'm just holding this kid, and that should be a joyful moment.
Marc:Like, look at this wonderful new being.
Marc:But I was like, I'm going to fuck this thing up just by even holding it.
Marc:So I gave it to my girlfriend and then watched her uncomfortably hold it for about a half hour.
Marc:And I don't know how you do it.
Marc:I don't know if I should have one.
Marc:Should I have one?
Marc:No, but how do you not just constantly worry about it all the fucking time?
Marc:How do you get any peace of mind that you're not... You don't.
Marc:Do you have kids?
Marc:You have four?
Marc:So you don't even give a shit, apparently.
Marc:So you just have four?
Marc:So you never stop worrying about them, but somehow or another you figured, I'll just have another one and let that one worry about the other one.
Marc:You have four kids and you're a grand... But you don't understand.
Marc:What you're saying to me right now is making me incapable of thinking properly.
Marc:Like, I'm panicking for your fucking four kids that apparently have turned out well enough to have more fucking kids.
Marc:So that never goes away?
Marc:All right, you just talked me out of it.
Marc:Oh, it's so fucking hot, man.
Marc:I'm not going to keep bringing it up.
Marc:I wish I were a blues man.
Marc:All right, so let's...
Marc:Let's get on to some email.
Marc:We got a big show.
Marc:This came with the cupcakes.
Marc:Let me see if I can read it.
Marc:I crumpled it up for some reason.
Marc:Dear Mark, when I bought you these cupcakes, the lady at the register said, oh, she'll love these.
Marc:I don't know what made me more uncomfortable, that the cakes were for a middle-aged man or that this lady assumed I'm dating a girl who eats cupcakes four at a time.
Marc:That being said, I've been doing stand-up a year and a half now, and you are truly an inspiration.
Marc:Thank you for the podcast and all the laughs.
Marc:Well, you're welcome, Brett.
Marc:Thank you for the cupcakes.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Let's do these because these seem to make me comfortable.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Love for Mark.
Marc:Subject line.
Marc:How am I not going to open that?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Hello, Mark.
Marc:Like a lot of people, I found out about WTF because of the New York Times article.
Marc:For me, though, what grabbed my attention wasn't that there was a good podcast to check out, but that Mark Maron was still kicking.
Marc:I'm 29 now, and back when I was in sixth grade, my family got cable, which was a really big deal for us.
Marc:Comedy Central was still at the point of broadcasting just a bunch of stand-up clip shows.
Marc:Holy shit, I feel air.
Marc:Do you feel air?
Marc:Am I hallucinating?
Yeah.
Marc:Okay, wait, wait, wait, let me do this.
Marc:MS-T3K and maybe Kentucky Fried Movie on Friday nights, but I was instantly hooked, and I can't begin to figure out how much stand-up I watched over those first few years.
Marc:I was consumed.
Marc:It was my thing.
Marc:What I wanted to do until I got my dick sucked for being a drummer...
Marc:Then I stuck with that.
Marc:But down at the bottom, this is what I liked.
Marc:P.S.
Marc:One time on a sick day home from sixth grade, I was watching one of those stand-up clip shows, and when Laura Keitlinger came on, I decided that was good enough for me to masturbate to.
Marc:Hey, I was 11.
Marc:That is pretty young.
Marc:Just as I cross the point of no return, the clip ends, and with my first squirt, Kevin Meaney appears on screen.
Marc:Which knowing what we know now would make him very happy.
Marc:Dressed in one of those weird waiter-type suits he always wore.
Marc:At this point, the orgasm has become just a mechanical process devoid of pleasure.
Marc:but I stab at the remote to get him off screen in hopes of finding anything with a woman.
Marc:Instead, it switches to the History Channel, and I spend the remainder of my orgasm pumping out semen while watching stock footage of a concentration camp as an entirely unique blend of guilt, disgust, and fear and shame washes over me.
Marc:But the last line is really the best.
Marc:He says, figured you'd want to know.
Marc:Yeah, I can't tell you how empty my life was before that.
Marc:All right, let's not spend a lot of time.
Marc:This one, it was funny.
Marc:It's just the subject line.
Marc:All it says is, I like the idea of your dad.
Marc:There's no text.
Marc:And to that I say, if he were only just an idea...
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out a guy that I actually, I started doing comedy many years ago in Boston, and I worked with him then.
Marc:Then he went on to become just an amazing, he's a legend, and he's hilarious, and he's the creator of Dr. Katz, professional therapist.
Marc:Please welcome Jonathan Katz to the stage.
Let's do the comedy.
Guest:Let's walk, walk, walk.
Let's do the cotton and a walk.
Come on everybody now.
Let's walk, walk, walk.
Round and round.
Marc:That was a spectacular intro.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:You know, that was a song called The Continental Walk, which is the only song I can dance to now, but I never used to like to dance at all.
Guest:Well, I think you did it beautifully.
Guest:Oh, stop.
Guest:It was well choreographed.
Guest:Hey, Mark, before I forget, thank you for the videotape you sent me.
Guest:Mark sent me a tape called Asian Girls Gone Wild.
Guest:And you know what?
Guest:I don't even like that crap.
Guest:But one night I finally put it on.
Guest:It's a bunch of Korean girls doing math.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I thought you'd enjoy that.
Marc:I didn't know who else to send it to.
Marc:You got a lot out of that?
Guest:Yeah, I actually... No, for me, you know, I used to watch pornography, but now it's just like a bad nature film.
Guest:I don't get it.
Guest:I know that species.
Marc:But they're never in their natural habitat, I guess, really.
Marc:They're always at someone else's house.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Low production values.
Marc:Now, where do you stand on the whole Jew thing?
Guest:You know...
Guest:Let me answer that question this way.
Marc:Why the pitch pipe?
Guest:Well, I'm going to explain to you.
Guest:I'm going to answer your question and explain the pitch pipe.
Guest:Just have to find the A440.
Guest:An old Jewish woman goes to the doctor.
Guest:And my dad would say, why does she have to be Jewish?
Guest:And I would say, Dad, she's a joke.
Guest:She's Jewish.
Guest:And the doctor says, Mr. Schwartz, there's nothing wrong with you.
Guest:You just need to have more sex.
Guest:You need to have sex eight, ten times a week.
Guest:She goes home, she tells her husband, he says, put me down for two.
Guest:But, you know, more to your point.
Guest:You know, I...
Marc:And then an old guy shoving my hand on something and an old scroll pointing at it for me to start there.
Guest:Well, I got together to play music with three other Jewish guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Why do they have to be Jewish?
Guest:I know.
Guest:One of them is an actual rabbi.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the other one knows all the moves.
Ha!
Guest:You know, he's like a rabbi.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's a ghostwriter.
Guest:But, you know, I was playing lap steel guitar, which sounds dirty, but it's just a musical instrument.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And within ten minutes, we're just like hidey-didey-didey.
Guest:You know, that's all it is.
Guest:We were like protesting.
Guest:We were like...
Guest:at a sit-in in the 60s.
Guest:And it was all hidey-didey-didey and any sort of... No matter what the song was, it could be anything.
Guest:It would end up sounding like a bad klezmer band.
Guest:You mean a klezmer band?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I'm kidding.
Guest:I like klezmer music.
Guest:That's the difference between Marc Maron and the other pretenders.
Marc:No, I actually, I have two of the klezmer conservatory orchestra albums.
Marc:I enjoy the klezmatics just for a little while.
Marc:If I listen to a lot of klezmer music and I find myself really resonating with it, I have to shut it the fuck off.
Marc:Because I don't want to be that guy.
Marc:I don't want to be the guy that says, Jonathan, let's sing.
Guest:And why are we living our lives in a minor key?
Guest:You know, that's a question that all Jews should explore.
Guest:And then get back to me.
Guest:Because, I mean, you know, the best thing about Christian rock is it's great music.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Maybe you should turn me on to a couple of those records.
Guest:Michael English.
Guest:Great gospel single, Michael English.
Guest:Well, gospel's different.
Guest:Not gospel.
Guest:He's Christian rock.
Guest:But gospel music is great.
Guest:And why can't we worship like that?
Marc:Because that is the question.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:We're always asking that question.
Marc:Why?
Marc:And they're just saying, love.
Marc:Let me, okay, are you still friends with David Mamet?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:He got a little Jew-y.
Marc:Yeah, he, uh... How did that happen?
Marc:He went from, like, fuck you, I'm a man, to fuck you, I'm a Jew.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:To fuck you, I'm a Jewish man.
Guest:Okay, all right.
Guest:No, he points out to me and many other people that there are many people in the world who would kill us because we're Jewish.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's right about that.
Guest:I don't think they're here tonight.
Marc:You never know, sometimes they surprise you.
Guest:But on the other hand, there's Woody Allen.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And many people who like Jews who are not Jews.
Yeah.
Guest:Oh, Lord.
Guest:But David Mehmet is perhaps the funniest guy I know.
Guest:Let me tell you something that we can all agree on.
Guest:This is something that he pointed out to me.
Guest:Nobody in the world can defend child pornographers.
Guest:Am I right?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:They are the scum of the earth, the lowest form of earth on this planet, and they should be prosecuted as if they were adults.
Laughter
Guest:So that's a joke by David Mamet, and it's a great joke.
Guest:He wrote that joke?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Holy shit, that's great.
Guest:He writes great jokes.
Guest:Has he written other jokes for you?
Marc:I'll tell you another joke.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Last summer... Why doesn't he do stand-up?
Marc:That would be hilarious.
Guest:Yeah, he would be hilarious.
Marc:Yeah, and he'd just keep repeating punchlines in that way he has.
Guest:He's too busy writing movies and plays.
Guest:Another joke of his is last summer I met former Vice President Al Gore on Martha's Vineyard.
Guest:And while he was there, he was bitten by a tick.
Guest:The tick came down with chronic fatigue syndrome.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Now, we have sort of a special thing now.
Guest:Did you want to talk about your wife before I do the special thing?
Guest:Could talk about my wife.
Guest:Just for one second about my real life.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I am married for 30 years.
Guest:I have two beautiful kids, a couple of kids not so attractive.
Guest:And that's just the roll of the dice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I...
Guest:And I also have a cartoon son who, oddly enough, is, of all of my kids, the one who's the most troubled.
Marc:Well, you know what?
Marc:It's a special night because your cartoon son is here.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Yes, he's here.
Marc:Are you ready to see?
Marc:No.
Marc:Yes, it's been years.
Marc:No.
Marc:Are you ready to see your cartoon son?
Marc:John Benjamin.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:All right, all right.
Marc:It's nice to see you, John.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I want to facilitate this, and it's been a long time.
Marc:What are you feeling?
Guest:Let me towel off.
Guest:I don't give a shit.
No.
Guest:I mean, I really don't.
Guest:I have absolutely no nostalgic feelings at all.
Guest:There's no emotions here at all?
Guest:No.
Guest:I feel bad, actually.
Guest:I feel like... I just feel bad.
Guest:I feel depressed.
Guest:This is not so unusual for Ben to have his emotions...
Guest:I know you're going to try and psychoanalyze, but that's not the case.
Guest:I really do feel the way... I'm not... I'm not trying to create a conceit.
Marc:I really don't care.
Marc:I understand that.
Marc:Let your father talk.
Guest:That's the thing.
Guest:He's not my real father.
Marc:Let him talk.
Marc:Would you let your father talk?
Marc:Jonathan?
Marc:Go ahead.
Guest:Say what you need to say.
Okay.
Marc:Why are you so disrespectful?
Guest:I'm not.
Guest:I'm not.
Guest:I want him to say what he needs to say, but I want him to say it with me constantly interrupting.
Guest:No, I just wanted to point out that... It's like a challenge.
Guest:It's basically a challenge.
Guest:If you can finish this sentence, I will listen to everything you said.
Guest:You know, being an adult... You never know when I'm going to do it.
Guest:You never know when I'm going to interrupt you next.
Guest:It's not such a bad thing.
Guest:So now you're just ignoring me.
Guest:He's ignoring me.
Guest:He's trying to plow through it.
Guest:No, I'm not ignoring him.
Guest:I'm just trying to get you to embrace this thing that all of us in the room, certainly at the table, call adulthood.
Marc:Yeah, I think that's an important thing for you, John.
Guest:How can you not listen to that voice?
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:It's the voice of a generation.
Guest:That's long past.
Guest:Don't make me use this.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:My pitch pipe.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:So quite honestly, if I might... You smoke pot out of that?
Yeah.
Marc:John, I appreciate you coming down.
Marc:They don't know.
Marc:No.
Guest:What's shocking is I actually came mostly for Jonathan, but I did come a little bit for you.
Marc:Oh, that's fucking nice.
Marc:No, I'm serious.
Marc:No, because I have problems with you.
Marc:What I don't understand about you is how you can just be a dick all the fucking time.
Marc:Can't you just be nice for five fucking seconds?
Guest:You can't frame an argument like that.
Marc:You can't be a complete dick.
Marc:I wasn't framing an argument.
Marc:I was just curious as to, you know, what made you like this?
Guest:Blimp on the Bossa Nova because that will take all of us.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:That is the oldest reference since Chris Matthews on MSNBC said.
Guest:Made an Uncle to Noose reference.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That's why only four people laughed.
Guest:But I have to say that John Benjamin is one of two human beings alive who made me faint from laughing too hard.
Guest:No, your disease made you faint.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:And you credited me with a great... I know for a fact.
Guest:You are my disease.
Guest:Don't you want to know who the other person is?
Guest:Who?
Guest:Nancy Broaddus.
Guest:Nancy who?
Guest:Bill Broaddus' wife, Nancy.
Guest:Oh, Nancy Broaddus.
Guest:No one will know who that is.
Guest:But that even makes more sense.
Guest:She's a nurse who just is very competitive and she wanted to make me faint.
Guest:And she did.
And she did.
Guest:She should not be a nurse.
Guest:You can't be a nurse and want to make people faint.
Guest:She's an excellent nurse practitioner at Children's and she deals with... Yeah, you fucking asshole.
Guest:That's what she said she was.
Guest:I'm sure she was some S&M.
Marc:I think this would be exactly how your relationship would have evolved had the show remained on the air.
Marc:Hey, Kim, this would have been the conversation.
Marc:We really haven't changed at all.
Marc:So can I ask you a question, not logistics, but you did do this show together that a lot of people seemed to enjoy, and I was on it as well.
Marc:And I believe it's available on DVD because I get occasional emails saying like, I can't believe you're on fucking Dr. Katz.
Marc:How old are you?
Guest:I mostly get like, what's Dr. Katz?
Guest:What's that?
Marc:You've got to keep hurting his feelings, don't you?
Guest:They said it to me.
Guest:It hurts my feelings too.
Marc:Now, when you guys did that together, like, how much time did you, were you in the same studio a lot?
Marc:Did you actually have a friendship at one time?
Marc:Because this is strain now.
Guest:It's strain.
Guest:No, no, it's, it's, we used to play ping pong together in tennis.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We had lawn chairs.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No, I don't think so much.
Guest:We had a family together.
Guest:We, we raised children together.
Guest:We, right.
Right.
Guest:No, we had a great time together.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we would go to work and we'd laugh for many hours and often it was me laughing at my jokes or John laughing at his jokes.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I don't laugh at mine.
Guest:Or just a lack of oxygen in the room.
Guest:Hence the fainting story.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The fainting happened in a restaurant, which I was... Oh, that really did happen?
Guest:It really did.
Guest:Yeah, miso soup.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's his cue word, to faint.
LAUGHTER
Guest:It was like that.
Guest:When you see someone faint, I thought he'd just died.
Guest:He was laughing really hard, and I just thought, his heart exploded.
Guest:And then you're like, oh my god, you're fucking dead.
Guest:He just went like...
Marc:So how long did it take you before you stopped laughing?
Marc:I'm just trying to understand, because I know you.
Marc:You laughed first, right?
Marc:Oh, when he fainted?
Guest:No, but he woke up and laughed.
Guest:Like, the fainting was like a... When he fainted, it was like 10 seconds, and everyone was mortifying.
Guest:There were other people there.
Guest:And then he fainted.
Guest:He went out and then got up and was like...
Guest:Like no time in his brain never stopped.
Guest:It stopped.
Guest:It just got like pulled out that moment and then back and pasted together.
Guest:And he started laughing again.
Guest:You're like, oh my, you're back.
Marc:And did you know you fainted?
Marc:Why am I talking?
Marc:He's never been the same.
Guest:Then John called my wife from the men's room.
Guest:I was lying on the floor of the men's room pretending I was unconscious and he was talking to my wife.
Guest:So you played a prank on your wife?
Guest:You played a prank?
Guest:I don't remember that part.
Guest:Yeah, we went to the bathroom.
Guest:You borrowed my cell phone.
Guest:It was a sprint plan at the time.
Guest:Well, you always went for the best.
Guest:It's amazing the details.
Guest:You remember when you see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Guest:You love your premium plans.
Guest:There's no question about that.
Guest:I called my wife, Susie, and you said, Jonathan is unconscious.
Guest:He'd like to talk to you.
Guest:I didn't know.
Guest:Did you really?
Guest:He's just developed jokes about something that I was very scared of.
Marc:All right, well, before I bring the next guest out, let's talk about this thing you made.
Marc:John Benjamin has a van.
Marc:It's fucking hilarious.
Marc:I went to the screening.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I was happy you went.
Marc:No, I really... I don't mince words or talk shit.
Marc:No, you don't.
Marc:I got some fucking genuine laughs out of it.
Guest:I didn't even want to walk by you after you saw it.
Marc:Why?
Guest:Well, because I knew you were going to say something either rude or... I thought you were going to...
Marc:You thought I was going to say, like, what are you doing later?
Marc:And not even acknowledge that I just watched a show?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Right?
Marc:You know, how long are you in town for?
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:That's so horrible.
Guest:So then I would have just had to sit there like, just tell me.
Guest:Well, I know you just did by not saying I liked it.
Guest:Just tell me.
Marc:Would I have done that?
Marc:Just walked up and said, so you good?
Marc:Or you would have just walked by like, oh, yeah, yeah.
Marc:But I didn't.
Marc:I said it was hilarious.
Marc:You did.
Marc:Because I'm not that guy anymore.
Marc:And you apparently are still that guy.
Marc:I am, but I was never bad to begin with.
Marc:You do have a certain propensity for being a dick.
Marc:Oh, you can't say douche?
Marc:Well, douchebag, you're not really a douchebag.
Marc:You're like an old school dick.
Marc:You're not a douchebag.
Marc:What's an old school dick?
Guest:Like Julius Caesar?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:If Julius Caesar did pranks, you would be like him.
Marc:I'm sure he did pranks.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're saying that he was misunderstood?
Marc:I'm saying he probably liked to have a good time.
Marc:But like when you're sitting there completely making a fool out of a vulnerable person who has no idea that you're doing it, I mean, do you have any remorse whatsoever?
Marc:Are you talking about the show?
Marc:Did I do that in the show?
Marc:The whole show is that.
Marc:That's the entire show.
Marc:That's what I'm doing now.
Marc:You don't even know it yet.
Marc:On the show you do that stuff.
Marc:There's a segment on the show where it's just, what is it called, 60 Seconds?
Guest:What?
Guest:I know you deliberately get all the titles.
Guest:No, I do not.
Guest:It's not deliberate.
Guest:You do.
Guest:I'm getting to that age, right, Jonathan?
Guest:I just saw it.
Guest:I love your show.
Guest:John Benjamin with the van.
Marc:I got it right after a while.
Guest:You have a thing with the car.
Guest:John Benjamin with the car backs up.
Marc:on benjamin with the puts it in drive i got it right i don't remember the fucking name i don't like that show you didn't that is not the experience i had i'm sorry i didn't remember i did it was called do you have a minute okay do you have a minute so i was close what did he say so here's what the here's what the it's just john walking up to people out of nowhere and doing this
Guest:Well, no, I said, like, excuse me, do you have a minute?
Guest:And then someone said, yeah.
Guest:Because then I was like, I want to just have a minute.
Guest:I just want to spend a minute.
Marc:But in that moment, what's going on inside?
Marc:You were like, I'm such a fucking dick.
Marc:No.
Marc:Are you like, this is hilarious, this guy has no idea what to do?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Are you trying to pose the question if John Benjamin is capable of remorse?
Guest:I think that actually is what I'm trying to get at.
Guest:I've never done anything awful.
Guest:Oh, you haven't?
Guest:Well, maybe once.
Guest:I threw a hamburger at a blind person once.
Marc:Did you really?
Guest:That's true.
Guest:You did really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Were you younger?
Guest:But I was put up to it.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:I was probably 16.
Guest:When I hit her.
Guest:And it was... Well, guess who's backstage tonight?
Guest:Let's welcome back...
Guest:Hey, Mark, can I do one... Hold on, she's coming.
Guest:Can I do one shameless thing here?
Guest:Huh?
Guest:Yeah, go ahead.
Guest:I have a new animated series, and you can see... What's it called?
Guest:Can I ask you?
Guest:It's called Hey, We're Back, and you can see it on JonathanKatz.com on your computer, because I live in the future.
Guest:So check that out.
Marc:Jonathan Katz, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:John Benjamin.
Marc:You guys stay.
Marc:You can hang out.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:It's my pleasure to bring out this woman who I love dearly.
Marc:I don't even know how to introduce her other than it's fucking Judy Gold, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Look at this.
Marc:Are you kidding me?
Marc:You want a cupcake, cupcake?
Guest:Where'd you get these cupcakes?
Marc:They're from fans, but they're good people.
Marc:Oh, you got so dressed up for everyone.
Marc:Hi, honey.
Guest:I was in, I ended up on 9th Avenue in fucking Brooklyn shit, Hasidic Jew.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Did they welcome you?
Guest:Yeah.
No.
Marc:Fucking Chinese people and Hasidic Jews.
Guest:This is a great opening line.
Guest:But the whole thing was Hasidic Jews and Chinese people.
Guest:And, you know, Hasidic Jews can't eat Chinese food.
Guest:But I went on HopStop, and they gave me the wrong direction.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:I didn't know if you were going to make it.
Marc:And I'm very happy you did.
Guest:I'm happy to be here.
Guest:And Jonathan Katz is here!
Marc:Yay!
Guest:I love Jonathan Katz.
Guest:Sean Benjamin.
Guest:But...
Guest:I'm kidding.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:Let's not get weird right away.
Guest:I'm good.
Guest:How are you?
Marc:I'm fine.
Marc:I'm doing this thing on the podcast.
Guest:What about that New York Times thing?
Guest:I know, right?
Guest:That was unbelievable.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:You don't think it was basically saying, this guy was washed up and now he's just... No, it's like he reinvented himself and now he's cool.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Guest:Don't you think?
Marc:Yeah, I saw it that way.
Guest:I mean, you're definitely really cool now.
Guest:Well, you were always cool.
Marc:No, I don't know if I was.
Marc:I thought, no, no.
Guest:But the thing was, one time we went on that Comedy Cellar boat.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Remember the boat tour of Comedy Cellar?
Marc:Hold on a second.
Marc:If you guys are going to talk, you can take it off stage.
Guest:I mean, we're trying to do... No, it's fine.
Guest:We won't talk anymore.
Marc:Are we interrupting you?
Marc:Because I don't want to... No, no, no, no, no.
Marc:You guys are... Jonathan, what?
Guest:How the fuck do we get out of here now?
Marc:You can take your cane.
Guest:That's not what he said.
Guest:That doesn't have to do with the quality of the comedy.
Guest:It has to do with my nickname, which is a peanut bladder.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:You got to pee?
Guest:In so many words, yeah.
Marc:No, seriously, Jonathan.
Marc:If you got to go, go ahead.
Marc:Can I come back?
Marc:Yeah, of course.
Marc:You can come back.
Marc:Really?
Guest:I would say no.
Marc:Yeah, come back and we'll play the music again.
Guest:I got to take a shit.
Okay.
Marc:Go, go.
Marc:You can sit on his lap.
Marc:John, hey, Benjamin, you can't come back.
Guest:All right, so now... I've got to change my tampon.
Guest:What?
Marc:That's right.
Guest:You don't, do you?
Guest:Kind of.
Guest:But only for, like, another year.
Guest:And then, boom.
Guest:Then I'm going to be in Hasidic Jew land with, you know.
Marc:Do they make you uncomfortable?
Guest:What, the Hasidic Jew?
Guest:You know, when I see... You know, I'm a Jew.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:No, but when I see, like, the hat and the... You know, the whole... And I know they fucking hate me, you know?
Yeah.
Guest:And it's 97 degrees, you have a long black coat on, and soup stains all over your tie.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And then I think people look at them and think, oh, that's what Jews are.
Guest:And I'm like, no, hi, yeah, yeah, you know.
Marc:Do you ever look at them and think they don't look Jewish?
Marc:Like outside of their beard and mustache?
Guest:Like sometimes I look at them and... Oh, like, don't you look at them and wonder what they would look without all that?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:And then you're like, he wouldn't look Jewish without that.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Oh, he'd kind of be attractive a little bit or something.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That's never happened to me.
Guest:No, really.
No.
Guest:What about the women with the wig and the long skirt?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:They're in the wheelchair for no reason.
Guest:Just because they're fat?
Guest:They're in the wheelchair because they're fat, not because they can't walk or anything.
Marc:I just don't understand how... I feel like we're able to talk like this because we're Jews, but we're probably not.
Marc:But none of them look healthy.
Marc:You never look at a chassid and say, that guy's in shape.
Guest:Right.
Marc:You know, you're always like, oh my God, he's sweating gravy.
Marc:What is wrong with that fucking guy?
Guest:Oh, there's herosis coming out of his nose, you know?
Marc:But you at least don't have to deal with that thing where you're accosted by two or three of them that are forcing you to do tefillin.
Marc:And my brother's such a sucker for that because he thinks he's going to get in or something.
Marc:And he does it?
Marc:Yeah, I've been on the street with my brother.
Marc:He's like, it's a mitzvah.
Marc:And I'm like, you look fucking ridiculous.
Guest:Well, what about those guys on the plane?
Guest:They did it on the plane and they had to stop the plane.
Marc:Well, that makes me feel better.
Marc:You know, like if I see a Hasidic Jew on the plane, I'm like, okay, we're covered.
Guest:We're good.
Guest:Yeah, but they made them leave the plane, get off the plane.
Guest:For praying?
Guest:Yeah, for putting the tefillin on.
Marc:Because it scared other people?
Guest:Yeah, because people were like, what the fuck are they putting on their heads?
Guest:You know, because they're black boxes.
Marc:Yeah, they're going to blow their heads up with that little black box.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Marc:So how are your children?
Guest:Ugh, they're so fucking annoying.
Guest:I mean, you know how you think, oh, I want to have kids.
Guest:It's so great.
Guest:And then it's shit.
Guest:It just turns to shit.
Guest:It's like, I have no money, you know?
Guest:They're annoying.
Guest:It's like they take up your whole fucking life.
Guest:And they're both straight, so straight boys.
Guest:So I'll be rotting in the nursing home, like the Hebrew home.
Guest:They're not going to visit me.
Guest:I'll have, like, chin hairs and shit all over me, and they'll be like, oh, my wife needs me to go, you know, it's going to suck.
Marc:Are you upset that you had straight boys?
Guest:You know, I would have liked a gay son, maybe.
Guest:You could have made that happen.
Guest:Just to play around with, you know, but no, it's like, get out of my room, you know, you're an asshole, you know, and my 14-year-old's in the shower 24 hours a day, so.
Guest:We have one bathroom, which is fucking great, you know.
Marc:Have you caught him?
Guest:You know, he can't see this, but I did knock on the door once, and, you know, he puts a skateboard in front of the door so I can't open it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I knocked on the door, and he's like, I'll be there in a minute.
Guest:So then he opens the door, and I'm like, oh, my God!
Guest:You know, and then I was like, no, tomorrow.
Guest:I'll tell you tomorrow.
Guest:But that's all I noticed, a little, you know.
Guest:Okay, so there's that age.
Marc:Having you found, like, this sort of weird wads of Kleenex stuck underneath the bed and shit?
What?
Guest:There's a lot of socks around the house.
Guest:Lot of socks that are inside out.
Guest:Socks, yeah.
Marc:Because your mother fucking knows you're jerking off.
Marc:They do, right?
Marc:I don't know what I thought I was getting away with when I'd stick all the Kleenex under the bed.
Marc:Like they just disappeared.
Marc:Like there was some sort of like, you know.
Guest:One day I walked in and there was like, there was a jar of Nivea on the couch.
Guest:And I go, I'm not kidding.
Guest:Why are you groaning?
Guest:That's a good choice.
Marc:A good choice.
Marc:It's a little heavy for jerking off.
Guest:Right, I know.
Guest:I said, what's with the nevea?
Guest:He's like, oh, I have a dry patch on my legs.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, all right.
Guest:So then someone told me they use hair conditioner.
Guest:Hair conditioner?
Guest:That's what some guy said to me.
Guest:And then I thought, my hair conditioner has brown dye in it.
Guest:And I'm waiting for him to come out of the shower and be like, oh, my God!
Guest:But he'd probably be like, oh, my God.
Guest:So...
Guest:It's a large black country.
Guest:Anyway, so... Yeah, it's really weird.
Guest:Like, I'm a gay mom with two straight boys.
Guest:You know?
Guest:And I had to do the talk.
Marc:What, you did?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How did that go?
Guest:Like, I'm explaining heterosexual sex with a complete lack of enthusiasm.
Guest:So that's great.
Marc:Can you just give me a taste of that?
Guest:So, man... No, I was like, you know, it's all about the woman.
Guest:You know, you're there to please the woman.
Guest:You have no needs.
Guest:It's all about the woman.
Guest:That's all, you know...
Guest:You do whatever she wants.
Guest:You can go jerk off by yourself later on.
Guest:You know, basically.
Guest:How'd that go over?
Guest:Great.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Now, are you still doing... What's going on up front?
Guest:I know.
Guest:There's so much commotion over here.
Marc:There's a lot of commotion over here.
Marc:Was there a hipster crisis?
Marc:Did somebody misplace their beard?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:The fuck happened down here?
Marc:There's texting going on.
Marc:There was a panic.
Marc:Did someone put the wrong guy's hat on?
Marc:What happened?
Guest:Ugh.
Guest:What is... I know.
Marc:You all right?
Marc:You together?
Marc:You okay down here?
Marc:Everybody good?
Marc:It's unbelievable.
Marc:Are you still doing the one-person show?
Guest:I have a new one coming out.
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:I'm a Jew.
Guest:It's called The Judy Show.
Guest:The Judy Show.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And what's it?
Guest:It's kind of about growing up and I was addicted to family sitcoms because I hated my family so much.
Guest:So I used to watch all these shows and want to go live with their families.
Guest:And then how I grew up thinking I would actually have a sitcom.
Guest:That never happened.
Guest:So it's basically that story of my, you know.
Marc:Disappointment.
Guest:It's great.
Marc:So... But look, the other show is about your mom, right?
Guest:It's about... Well, I interviewed 50 Jewish mothers around the country.
Guest:It's about... Yeah, we interviewed 50 Jewish mothers.
Marc:What did you find was the through line?
Guest:You know, I thought they were all going to be like, you know, like, they make... But they were fucking fascinating, I have to tell you.
Marc:Yeah?
Guest:Like, the Orthys, I thought, were going to have nothing to say.
Guest:You know, like... The Orthys?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But...
Guest:You know, they were like the most educated.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And like one of them had five kids, right?
Guest:One of the kids was a special needs kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the yeshiva, you know, because they had to go to yeshiva, couldn't facilitate the needs of this child.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So her husband was a lawyer.
Guest:He would come home at night and she went to school to get her master's degree and opened a yeshiva for special needs kids.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:I mean, it was like, they're unbelievable, these people.
Guest:I couldn't believe it.
Marc:So were there some that were just sort of annoying and stereotypical?
Guest:There were some, yeah, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Guest:Like, there was one that wanted to be a country and western singer in Nashville.
Guest:I was like...
Guest:I mean, how fucking miserable can you be being a Jewish country and Western singer?
Guest:I mean, like, that is like misery cubed, you know?
Marc:What's up, John?
Guest:I just wanted to say I've seen Judy's show and it's hilarious.
Guest:It's really brilliant.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Jonathan Katz, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:It's a mitzvah.
Marc:So you've been working on the show and the kids are getting older.
Guest:So I'm in rehearsal.
Guest:Yeah, the kids are going to camp, you know.
Guest:Jewish camp?
Guest:Of course, because we're Jews.
Guest:You know, a lot of people, so we have a lot of Jews, I'm sure.
Guest:Did you go to sleepaway camp?
Guest:It seems to be a theme.
Guest:Did you go to sleepaway camp?
Marc:But I didn't go to a Jewish one.
Marc:I went to one where a kid actually thought that Jews had horns.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I went to a goyish cowboy camp.
Marc:I was one of the only Jews.
Guest:You were the only Jew?
Guest:And how many weeks did you go?
Marc:There was four weeks of that.
Marc:But I thought I fought the good fight.
Marc:You know, I tried to spread the education of what a Jew is.
Marc:And sure enough, it turns out we're annoying.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:But I went to a Jew camp, and I was 12, and I was six feet tall.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And they had, like, the open showers, like you would have, like, in a jail or a nice church camp, you know?
Guest:And then... Was it Camp Yomi?
Guest:Huh?
Guest:Camp Yomi?
Guest:No, that's 92nd Street wide.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Surprise Lake?
Yeah.
Guest:It was Najwa.
Guest:That's cool.
Guest:Jewy Jew.
Guest:So they call your bunk, and they go like, oh, you're taking a shower.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I get in the shower the first day, and it's like open, and I'm like six feet tall, and my vagina's in everyone's face.
Guest:So... I mean, that works well now, but it was awful.
Yeah.
Guest:But I'm honestly, I did not take my bathing suit off the whole summer.
Guest:Like I would just put soap down there and like rinse myself out because I didn't want anyone.
Guest:It was awful.
Marc:It's pretty bad time.
Guest:I hated it.
Guest:I fucking hated sleepaway camp, but they're going.
Marc:Judy Goldways and gentlemen.
Marc:You got to go?
Guest:Well, I told my kids I'd be home at night.
Guest:I left them home alone.
Guest:Was that bad?
Guest:And I didn't give one of them dinner.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:You can go if you want.
Guest:I can?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It was great to see you.
Guest:I love you.
Marc:I love you too.
Marc:Thank you for doing the show.
All right.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, it's my privilege and my pleasure to bring up a woman I was just in Australia with.
Marc:She's hilarious.
Marc:She lives here in New York, and I'm excited.
Marc:She went on the road in Australia for like three fucking weeks, which I don't... Well, I got to ask her about it.
Marc:Marina Franklin, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Hi, Marina.
Hi.
Marc:So what the hell?
Marc:Do you know Jonathan?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Backstage.
Marc:You meant backstage?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:But I also know of you as well.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:So we were just in Australia.
Guest:For four weeks, actually, not three.
Marc:But we were there for two, and then you won another four?
Guest:Another two.
Guest:So a total of four.
Marc:Got it.
Guest:Sorry.
Marc:Now, you were nervous to go on the road.
Marc:Did you go into weird fucking places?
Marc:Do you have any good stories?
Marc:Did fucking weird things happen or what?
Guest:Well, actually, before Mark knows this, the three days that I was there, I felt like I could bond with Mark because I wanted to come back instantly.
Guest:I felt like, all right, this is Australia, but I'm miserable and lonely and I want to go home.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And we bonded over that.
Marc:Yeah, I helped you out, I think.
Guest:I felt like Mark could actually lift me up, which is amazing to a lot of people.
Guest:But it did.
Guest:It felt really good to be with you, Mark.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And you did make me feel better, because I had the two weeks, and I actually did go to the Northern Territory and Queensland, which I was excited about somewhat, and then everyone in Australia would look at me and go, ugh.
Guest:You don't want to go there.
Guest:I was like, why?
Guest:Is that where the dark people are?
Guest:And they were like, yes.
Guest:Yes, actually.
Guest:You go, and you find out what's going on.
Guest:And I wanted to see the Aboriginal people.
Guest:Remember that one night we saw three?
Guest:It was fast and scary.
Guest:They were drunk, I think.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But that's what they are, drunk.
Guest:And then when I went to Alice Springs, I saw a huge, a lot of Aboriginal people.
Guest:And actually I bought... Well, I met this one that was selling art.
Guest:And he...
Guest:He labeled me a Negro.
Guest:He called me a Negro.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He was like, you are a Negro.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, really?
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:Now just sell me that art and shut it.
Marc:But was the exchange, was he saying, do you think he was being derogatory or just he didn't know?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:He had like half a finger as he was like tracing what he thought was a map.
Yeah.
Guest:And he was telling me about my journey as an American.
Guest:I guess he said Shaka Zulu was here.
Guest:No.
Guest:And I guess he went to America and made me a Negro.
Marc:Did you have any trouble getting over on the audiences up there?
Guest:No, they were really good.
Guest:You know what's great about overseas in general is they listen.
Guest:This is good, too.
Guest:You guys are good.
Guest:But it's like no table service, which you get in the clubs.
Guest:That took some adjustment, getting back and just seeing them drop checks on you while you're telling your best bit, and everyone's looking at the check, and they're like, you know what?
Guest:I don't really care about her anymore.
Guest:So I liked that part.
Marc:But there's this weird thing when you're in another country that you just assume that the one thing I decided not to do there was do that thing where you're like, how do you say car?
Marc:Or is there a different word for shoe here?
Marc:Because I use a bit where I talk about shoes.
Marc:And I was just like, fuck it.
Marc:They speak English.
Marc:They're going to figure out what I'm talking about.
Marc:So I was glad I made that choice.
Marc:A couple jokes didn't work because of it.
Marc:But I was glad I made that choice.
Guest:Yeah, I didn't really, like, you know, I wouldn't ask them, like, do you have this?
Guest:Because I figured they'd get American television.
Guest:They know more about us anyway, because they come over here all the time because they have vacation time.
Guest:Like, we don't.
Guest:So we're like, that's why they know about us, and we don't know shit about them.
Guest:No one's paying us to go over there, except for our trip, which they paid us.
Marc:So all your fear was the flying worked out okay?
Guest:There was a lot of flying that I didn't expect because I didn't realize they have a big country.
Guest:This is just me being an American again.
Guest:When they said you're going to the Northern Territory, I was like, oh, we're driving north?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They were like, no, Marina, we're fine.
Guest:Can I ask you a very naive question?
Guest:Oh, God, is this about me being, this is going to be a black thing.
Guest:No, no, this has to, it's going to be what?
Guest:You're going to ask me about my hair?
Guest:No, no, no, this is about Australia.
Guest:Oh, okay, sorry.
Guest:Is it a continent?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you realize that before you went?
Guest:I don't do the research at all.
Guest:No, because I sometimes forget that it's an actual continent.
Marc:Dude, all you know when you're in Australia is about two weeks in, you're like, I got to get the fuck out of here.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's a great country and everything, but you feel really far away, really isolated.
Marc:You're a day ahead of everybody else.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:There's time travel involved.
Marc:Anyway, Marina, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Guest:No, it was wonderful to talk to you again.
Guest:No, it was good to, like...
Guest:And can I just say that's a great color for you?
Guest:Which one?
Guest:Well, you know what's funny is my boyfriend is white.
Guest:He's young, which makes me like a panther.
Right.
Guest:Yay.
Guest:But his mom, what I didn't realize about white people is that I guess you do have to sometimes watch what you say in front of black people.
Guest:Like, could you be perceived as being raped?
Guest:I didn't know you had that issue.
Marc:What are you talking about?
Marc:Well, like, his mother... Like, they're nervous to say anything?
Guest:Anything.
Guest:And, like, I was talking about my tan in front of her this weekend.
Guest:I was like, you see my tan?
Guest:And she got really, like, oh.
Marc:Like she was being set up?
Marc:Is this a trick statement?
Marc:Yes.
Guest:Like, she almost fell off her stool.
Guest:And then she said, your skin is beautiful.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:Haven't I told you that?
Marc:Very diplomatic.
Guest:I was like, what the hell is going on here?
Guest:I had to take off my shirt and actually show her the line.
Marc:Well, I think that happens a lot.
Marc:I think it's hard for some white people just to say black.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, I felt a little uncomfortable just then.
Marc:Did I say it okay?
Guest:Oh, Mark.
Guest:You know, you're not uncomfortable ever.
Guest:I never get that from you.
Marc:Well, you know what?
Marc:Keith is pacing back there.
Guest:Oh, yeah, he is.
Marc:You want to bring him up?
Marc:No, should I bring him up?
Marc:This guy, we worked with Marina Franklin, by the way, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:I started with this guy, and I opened for him once many years ago, and I never let him forget it, and he never lets me forget it, and I think he opened for Jonathan, too.
Marc:We go way back.
Marc:He started in Philadelphia.
Marc:He used to be a lot on Tough Crowd.
Marc:You used to see him a lot there.
Marc:He was on the Wanda Sykes Hall show.
Marc:He was a guy standing there looking uncomfortable and fidgety.
Marc:Please welcome Keith Robinson to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Two black people in a row.
Guest:How predictable, Mark.
Guest:What the fuck?
Marc:I didn't know how to break up the Jews and the black people.
Guest:18 Jews in a row and two black people.
Guest:All right, we've got to get this thing right.
Marc:But I knew that one Jew was connected to the second Jew, and then I thought I'd better bring a loud Jew out before I bring Marina out, and then there was nowhere to put you.
Guest:Marina, she's a sellout, so fuck her.
Marc:What does that even mean, dude?
Guest:She dates white guys.
Marc:Oh, man.
Guest:They're happy about it.
Guest:Shut your fucking mouth, goddamn.
Guest:I only date black women.
Guest:That's all the fuck I date.
Guest:Don't get me wrong.
Guest:I rape white women, but I date black women.
Marc:This is what we were lacking.
Marc:The point of view of an honest black man...
Marc:was severely lacking on my show.
Marc:I tried to get Keith on the show last time, but something fucking happened.
Marc:He didn't make it, because one of your kids was in trouble?
Guest:What the fuck is that?
Guest:One of my kids?
Guest:I have one son.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:One fucking son, 17.
Guest:I don't really know if he's mine or not, to be honest with you.
Guest:It's down to the final four, me and three other motherfuckers.
Guest:He falls asleep.
Guest:I swab his mouth just to make sure.
Guest:I'm bullshitting you, gracious assholes.
Guest:And I like Jewish people, man, Jewish people.
Guest:I know you do.
Guest:You fucking really like Jewish people.
Guest:I hate that shit.
Guest:Y'all just want to remain number one in the hate it list because that's a prestigious.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You hate to be number 15.
Guest:Nobody give a fuck about you.
Marc:Yeah, we like to stay right up there.
Guest:Yeah, you got to stay up there because people give a shit.
Marc:It's usually neck and neck with the Muslims.
Marc:It's Muslims, Jews, Black folks.
Guest:We're number three.
Guest:We're number three.
Marc:Is that hard to be number three now?
Marc:I don't like it.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:Because we're more visible.
Marc:So, look, I want to be honest with you.
Marc:And I don't want to rehash this, but I want to apologize again for that night when we were in St.
Marc:Louis Obispo.
Marc:It must have been 1988.
Marc:And I remember you had a fade.
Marc:Yes, I did.
Guest:I had a fade with writing in it.
Guest:I had a different...
Guest:Because that's what we did, motherfuckers.
Marc:That's what we did.
Guest:Anybody got a problem with that?
Marc:I just meant there were stripes and there was a wedge.
Guest:I had lightning bolts in my head.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And I opened for you and you were wearing some sort of outfit.
Guest:It's my fucking headlining outfit.
Guest:That's the outfit I chose.
Guest:Do you remember the outfit?
Guest:It involved a jacket with a collar.
Guest:And Mark was fucking angry that he was opening up for me.
Guest:He was like, who the fuck is this asshole?
Guest:And right in front of me, I'm like, it's me.
Guest:I don't mind him being angry in his dressing room, but right in front of me, that's fucked up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I, you know, I fucking, Mark went on and I think he fucking transformed into Sam Kennison, a mixture of Richard Pryor, fucking George Collin.
Guest:He was fucking destroying the audience.
Guest:And I went up there and my mouth got dry.
Guest:I couldn't follow this son of a bitch.
Guest:That's what I'm trying to say.
Guest:Yeah!
Yeah!
Guest:What the fuck are y'all clapping for?
Marc:What I meant to say is I'm sorry about that.
Marc:What came out.
Marc:But I think I did too long and I just wanted to apologize for that.
Guest:You did.
Guest:You just wanted to teach me a lesson.
Marc:Yeah, but you know, I learned so many lessons from you at the cellar in years to come.
Marc:I don't understand all of them, but I think that... Well, that was the one I learned.
Guest:Like, fuck it.
Guest:Don't follow God as angry as hell.
Guest:And Mark was an angry son of a bitch.
Marc:Now, you know, I will say this, if you don't mind me bringing up personal business.
Marc:I don't give a fuck.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'm here for personal business.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I'm here to deal with Marina mainly, God damn it.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Well, you two used to date, am I right?
Guest:I dated Marina.
Guest:He's the reason I started dating white guys.
Guest:Fuck that.
Guest:That's our own choice.
Guest:It just takes one.
Guest:I'm going to be honest with you.
Guest:Marina was a bitch.
Guest:She's not.
Guest:Oh, wait a minute.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I'm going to be honest on your show, right?
Guest:I'm not.
Guest:I'm not even like that.
Guest:Anybody that has...
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know for yourself.
Guest:That's one to watch out for.
Guest:Marina, here's the thing.
Guest:Christmas time.
Guest:This is why I was fed up with Marina.
Guest:Right here.
Guest:Christmas time.
Marc:She's right there.
Guest:Fuck her.
Guest:No, he never talks to me.
Guest:No, Christmas time.
Guest:Now, fellas, you know, we go out, we go all out.
Guest:Well, it's Jewish folk in here.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Just show us your dick already.
Marc:I know what this is about.
Marc:I got a lot of money, but you must have a big dig.
Marc:Yes, I do.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Why don't you go to when you didn't pay on the date?
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:That was a rule.
Guest:It was our second date, and he just looked at me across the table when the bill came, and I looked at him, and he looked at me.
Guest:And I was like, oh.
Guest:It was a stare down.
Guest:Because she gave me that typical woman fake reach.
Guest:You want me to help?
Guest:Yes.
Yes.
Guest:I was scratching.
Guest:I know.
Guest:But wait, you said it was a policy?
Guest:Well, here's the thing.
Guest:Christmas time, this will really bug the shit out of me.
Guest:Christmas time, I got Marina a PlayStation 2.
Guest:A nice, sweet PlayStation 2.
Guest:I'm a gamer, yes.
Guest:She loves games.
Guest:Guess what she got me?
Guest:A fucking itchy wool sweater from JCPenney's.
Guest:Fuck her.
Guest:It was Old Navy.
Marc:It was Old Navy?
Marc:Is that a good thing?
Marc:First of all, I didn't even know JCPenney still existed, old man.
Guest:Yes, I am old.
Guest:And it was an itchy sweater, but I was an open miker at the time.
Guest:I didn't have money.
Guest:I just was getting what was in the box.
Guest:But don't you have to show some effort?
Guest:Anybody?
Guest:Who's with me on this?
Guest:No one.
Guest:Don't you have to show some damn effort?
Guest:So what I did is after she showed me that bullshit fucking sweater, I took her PlayStation back and I sold it.
Guest:And guess how I found out?
Guest:I was in the car with Patrice O'Neill and Bill Burr.
Marc:That's already a hell of a car ride.
Guest:I was in the car.
Guest:I was just, you know, I think I was, like, doing some gig, not getting paid or something, feeling bad about my PlayStation being gone.
Guest:And Bill Burr started talking about his new PlayStation and how excited he is about how Keith Robinson sold it to him.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:No.
Guest:On some level, I thought... That deserves a standing ovation.
Guest:What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Guest:I mean, in my little mind, I thought on some level I was going to get it back.
Guest:Like, he was going to feel bad and be like, oh, you know what, here you go.
Marc:Now, let me just ask you something about this policy.
Marc:Now, there's a couple things I want to talk to you about.
Marc:Now, you, I think it's common knowledge, are a failed pimp.
Marc:Am I right?
Guest:I'm a what?
Marc:A failed pimp.
Marc:Yes, I try...
Guest:I tried my hand at pimping a long time ago.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:I was like 17.
Guest:And I thought the way you got prostitutes to follow you is you brought them shit up front.
Guest:Like I would buy them Pepsis and chocolates to help keep their energy up.
Guest:And, you know, at the proper time, I would turn on them like a pimp does.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, when he asked for that change back they would send me to the store and I go there and say what you got I gave you a 50 where's my chance don't ever ask me for fucking change and She chased me with a straight razor for 15 blocks Yeah, and that ended mother You weren't cut out for it.
Marc:I wasn't cut off What a pimp game.
Marc:Oh, so you went right to comedy.
Marc:Hey, no, but I
Marc:You were genuinely, you thought that that was going to be the gig, right?
Guest:They don't have a pimp manual that you fucking read.
Guest:Yeah, Iceberg Swim's book, Pimp.
Marc:I didn't read it.
Marc:I read that manual.
Marc:Did you read it?
Marc:Yeah, but it was not for me.
Marc:You don't know how to be a pimp?
Marc:No, I just wanted to read the book to see how pimps thought, and I thought maybe I could glean a little something from it, but I could not.
Guest:You couldn't do the pimp thing.
Guest:I mean, I thought I could be a pimp, man.
Guest:I just thought I knew how to do that thing.
Guest:I know, like, I, you know, for me, like, I love women.
Guest:Don't get me wrong, ladies.
Guest:I love y'all.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:You got a very white... They want to burn you.
Guest:A very white whatever.
Guest:I can hear the mumbling in the crowd that women want to burn you.
Guest:They're like... I do.
Guest:But it's, you know, I read a lot of back page...
Guest:And Craigslist.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hey, Keith.
Guest:I love prostitutes.
Guest:What the fuck do you want me to do?
Guest:Keith, can I give you some advice?
Guest:What?
Guest:Unsolicited advice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Go.
Guest:Cut your losses.
Guest:You really should just.
Guest:No, no, see.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:See, here's the thing, man.
Guest:You know, a lot of people want to.
Guest:I'm not backing down on what I love.
Guest:I love a good prostitute, god damn it.
Guest:That's what the fuck I love.
Guest:Come on, fellas.
Guest:There's one guy.
Marc:There's one guy that's going to have to apologize after the show.
Guest:You know, like a lot of the prostitutes, this is real shit.
Guest:A lot of the prostitutes in Vegas, what they do, they will put a substance on that breast that when you kiss that breast, it'll knock you unconscious and they will rob you.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:I got caught like eight times with this shit.
Guest:But I still love prostitutes.
Guest:It's what the fuck I do, man.
Guest:Keith, do you also enjoy sausage?
Guest:Say it again?
Guest:Do you also enjoy sausage?
Guest:Sausage?
Guest:What, are you calling me gay?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:What did they put on there to pretend it was their breast?
Marc:No, they put a substance on their breast.
Marc:Substance?
Marc:Oh, he thought I said sausage.
Oh.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Very easy, Dr. Oz.
Marc:I am so sorry, Keith.
Marc:I am sorry.
Marc:Dr. Katz had a whole different joke going over there.
Marc:So you love sauces?
No.
Guest:Maybe it's me.
Guest:It's me.
Guest:I'm fucked up with my speech.
Guest:I'm so sorry.
Guest:I totally misunderstood.
Guest:Substance.
Guest:Can I ask you a question about prostitutes?
Guest:Yes, sir.
Guest:What makes somebody a $2,000 hooker?
Guest:$2,000 in one night.
Guest:I'll be honest with you.
Guest:I wouldn't know, man.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Guest:Yeah, that's too much for me.
Guest:God damn.
Guest:You know, like, what's his name?
Guest:Lawrence Taylor.
Guest:They got him, and they said he was a low-level sex offender.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:We're all low-level sex offenders.
Guest:Think about it.
Guest:You know how many times I circle that high school?
Guest:I don't fucking stop because I'm low-level.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Sorry.
Marc:Let's get back to you and Marina because that was a nice love story.
Marc:It's hard to be a girl that went out with you after all that information.
Marc:No.
Marc:It's sort of like, you know, it's like Chelsea Veretti dated Jim Norton.
Marc:She constantly has to qualify it with like before he did any of that.
Guest:That's why Chelsea and I are such good friends.
Guest:But what was the policy about not paying?
Guest:No, it's like back when I was coming up, you know, I'm a... You're a veteran.
Guest:I'm a veteran at this thing.
Guest:I'm an old school black dude.
Guest:I'm earth, wind and fire black.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:So back when I was coming up, you know, it's what we were taught.
Guest:What?
Guest:Don't say all.
Guest:If a girl didn't put out, we wasn't paying for shit.
Guest:Right up front.
Guest:I said it.
Guest:My man, I love this guy right here.
Guest:That's what happened, though.
Guest:As I grew up, as I grew up, come around to it, I'd say at least they could pay half.
Guest:But I just, back in the day, we would ask a girl, look, what you going to do?
Guest:You doing something?
Guest:And if they said no, we fucking just go, all right, we got to go.
Guest:So now you just pay for it altogether.
Yeah.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Because it cuts through the chase.
Marc:You don't even have to buy dinner.
Guest:Keith wasn't like this, though.
Guest:When I first met him, he was like, and it was just, I guess, one date.
Guest:It doesn't take much for me.
Guest:But he was really sweet.
Guest:I have to say he was like, you know, smart and sweet and wonderful.
Guest:And then all of a sudden, this monster appeared.
Guest:But that's how a pimp does it.
Yeah.
Guest:But you failed at that.
Guest:I failed at it.
Guest:Mark, are you a veteran?
Marc:A veteran stand-up?
Guest:No, a veteran.
Guest:You're a veteran of the Vietnam War?
Guest:I was using the word veteran as somebody... No, Keith, you refer to yourself as a veteran.
Guest:I'm a vet, goddamn.
Marc:I'm a Hall of Famer, actually.
Guest:It's a veteran comic, not a... Oh, I'm sorry, because I fought in the sexual revolution, and I have the scars to prove it.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:thank you for your service thank you for your service i agree it was a just memorial day and all of us i think oh you a debt of gratitude because now keith can freely talk about prostitutes on my show wait no man what i'm sorry oh come on now don't do that it just hurts my feelings what does what feelings
Guest:This is true.
Guest:The crowd is so judgmental.
Guest:You thought you were going to win, didn't you?
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:No, I don't expect to win when I say I'm fucking prostitute.
Guest:Who expects to win?
Guest:But ladies, I think everybody know, fellas, we out there a little bit.
Guest:That's what we are.
Guest:We out there.
Guest:Every man in here, we're out there.
Guest:Every man, we're out there.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Every fucking man.
Guest:Y'all can keep quiet if you want, but we're out there.
Marc:I don't know that the men in here are confidently out there.
Guest:Right.
Marc:I think they're out there in their minds.
Guest:In their minds, they're like, yes, we agree, but we can't say shit.
Yeah.
Guest:Like, I do shows, and I ask, like, how many women have ever been cheated on?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I ask how many have never been cheated on, and women have a nerve to go, me!
Guest:Me!
Guest:Get the fuck out of here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:Get out of here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Sandra Bullock's been cheated on.
Guest:Holly Berry's been cheated on.
Guest:Who the fuck are you?
Guest:I cheated on you, Keith.
Guest:Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:Now we got some Maury Povich shit going on here.
Guest:More than once.
Guest:You mean it's not my baby?
Marc:Well, thank you, Keith Robinson.
Marc:You stay there.
Marc:I'll just move down one and bring the last guy out.
Marc:It's my pleasure to bring out this gentleman because I've appreciated his work for years.
Marc:I have not met him until this evening.
Marc:He's one of the funniest fuckers around.
Marc:Please welcome Will Arnett to the stage.
Guest:Will Arnett.
Guest:This is a disaster out here.
Marc:What the fuck is happening, man?
Marc:That's how I run a show, man.
Marc:It's just a train wreck, Will.
Guest:I found it.
Marc:You found the clip?
Guest:You got to go now?
Marc:We're good.
Marc:Have you ever met Keith?
Marc:No.
Marc:What's up, man?
Guest:Not too much.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:So, Will, I'm excited that you're here, man.
Marc:What the F. Yeah, what the F is right.
Marc:When you came out here, did you know what you were getting into?
Marc:No.
Guest:I haven't even really been listening, to be honest.
Guest:That's a true story.
Guest:It's actually quite cool out here.
Guest:It's pretty hot back there.
Marc:Well, we got the air working, man.
Guest:Yeah, good.
Marc:So when I talked to you last, weren't you going to London or something?
Guest:I was, yeah.
Guest:And what did you do there?
Guest:I don't like the way I'm holding this.
Guest:Like Cher, like this.
Guest:Yeah, I was just over in the UK.
Guest:We call it the UK.
Guest:Yeah, sure, man.
Guest:We said the UK.
Guest:So I was just over in the UK with David Cross.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Pretty good name drop.
Guest:And we were doing the second series, as they say, of Todd Margaret, which is a little show.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:And a little Todd Margaret, a little television program that we make, sort of off the map.
Guest:Do you live in New York?
Guest:I do, yeah.
Marc:And your wife lives in California?
Guest:No, we both primarily live here.
Guest:We spend a lot of time in California.
Guest:I mean, I can give you a full... I'll send you an email.
Guest:Just with my travel movement.
Guest:And, yeah.
Marc:Do you guys ever fucking fight about who's funnier and shit?
Marc:No.
Marc:No, seriously, man.
Guest:No.
Guest:I mean, we choose not to fight about that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But we fight about plenty of other stuff.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, what are you doing to the child?
Guest:You're ruining him with your head.
Guest:Mainly these days.
Guest:It's mainly parenting stuff.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I just love looking at you.
Guest:Oh, thank you.
Guest:You got the note from my bum foot.
Guest:Go ahead and stick your feet in that ice.
Shh.
Shh.
Marc:So why don't we address the elephant in the room here.
Marc:How fucking pissed were you that Arrested Development didn't continue on?
Marc:Not at all.
Guest:Not at all.
Guest:Yeah, it was a bit of a bummer.
Guest:You know, we felt like we were kind of making something.
Guest:When we were doing it, when we first started, we didn't know what the hell we were doing.
Guest:And then once we kind of got going, we knew that we were doing something that was fun, and the writing was really, really good, and we were so...
Guest:So blessed every week to get the you hear people say that it sounds so cliche, but it's really true.
Guest:Yeah And and so it was a bummer and and you know You're working with people and you feel like you're doing something kind of great and then it just you know They tell you know you're done and you're like well wait.
Guest:What did we do wrong?
Guest:Like mad?
Guest:You're just you guys were good It's kind of not what we do here
Guest:And then you'd see other stuff on your like, but people want to watch that?
Guest:Has there been talks about getting the band back together?
Guest:There's been a lot of talk about this next song.
Guest:Good to know there's still some old people here with me.
Guest:There are a few ideas floating around as to how it's going to happen.
Guest:There is going to be... This is the question I get asked the most, which is, other than, you know, da-da, what doing...
Guest:That is the question I get asked the most.
Guest:Actually, more than is there going to be an Arrested Development movie.
Guest:What doing?
Guest:And I feel like a bad parent.
Guest:I'm like, I don't correct him.
Guest:That sounds great.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:What doing is honest.
Guest:But we are going to make the Arrested Development movie.
Guest:And Mitch Hurwitz, who is really just a brilliant, brilliant guy, is in the process right now of concocting something that's really kind of unexpected, I think.
Guest:And so that I really don't want to give away.
Guest:But I think the fans are going to be really satisfied.
Guest:If all goes well, and write your congressman.
Guest:But if all goes well, I think it's going to be something that's going to be really satisfying for people who are fans of this show.
Guest:They just want to see the characters kind of back and interacting.
Guest:He's kind of come up with a cool way to do that, so I'm excited.
Guest:Wait, are you talking?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Are we...
Marc:I think what you're hinting at is 3D, am I right?
Guest:We hadn't even thought about that.
Guest:But that's a great idea.
Guest:Does 3D suck?
Guest:Right?
Guest:Right?
Guest:I mean, it sucks.
Guest:It feels like a lot of fucking work, doesn't it?
Guest:Yeah, I don't.
Guest:The glasses are always... The glasses suck.
Marc:And what's the best thing that can happen?
Marc:You go, whoa.
Marc:And you lean back a little bit.
Marc:That's the best that can happen.
Marc:Yeah, like, oh, that shit was coming right at me.
Guest:So what?
Marc:He's like right there.
Marc:Oh, he's not.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right, you go in knowing that that's not real.
Guest:So what the hell, man?
Guest:Are you tricking yourself?
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:I think every fucking movie is going to be 3D soon.
Marc:That seems to be the direction it's going.
Guest:Yeah, I really hope not.
Marc:All right, wait, let's get back to Arrested Development.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:3D.
Guest:Let's call it by its right name.
Guest:Arrested Development 3D.
Marc:Jeffrey Tambor.
Guest:Jeffrey Tambor.
Guest:Let's talk about Tambor.
Marc:How fucking funny is he?
Marc:He's a super funny guy.
Marc:Now, how much of that...
Marc:How much stuff did you guys – were you able to improvise a lot of it?
Marc:I know it's a stupid question, but – No, it's not.
Guest:I'd love to be able to take credit for tons of stuff on that show.
Guest:But, you know, we – again, we were so blessed week in, week out –
Guest:I can't say it enough.
Guest:Mitch Hurwitz is just a brilliant, brilliant guy who I think that one day will be recognized for what he does.
Guest:And, you know, it's true that the machine out there, you know, the development process, writing a show, trying to get something off the ground is super, super hard.
Guest:And the deck is constantly stacked against you.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So the fact that he was actually able to get that show out is a testament to how brilliant he is.
Guest:And I'm sure people will watch this or listen to this or read the transcript or whatever and say, like, who gives?
Guest:All those things.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Go ahead and do all of them at once.
Marc:Now, on a personal note, now you hang out with Dave Cross.
Marc:Is he cranky as fuck with you all the time, too?
Right.
Marc:Seriously.
Guest:Well, you know David.
Marc:Yeah, I do.
Marc:I do.
Marc:And as he's gotten older, he's become progressively cranky, and I'd like to know that he's having a good time.
Guest:Well, I would say, actually, I'm going to go the other way with that.
Guest:I think that David's become a nicer person.
Guest:Not that he wasn't nice.
Guest:He's really a sweet guy.
Guest:But, yeah, he can be cranky, sure.
Guest:But that's what makes him so great.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, I agree.
Marc:Did you have some good times, though?
Marc:I mean, because whenever I see Dave, he's sort of like, ah, you know, things are this and I can't.
Marc:And then he's like, you okay?
Marc:And it's fine.
Marc:But, I mean, is he having fun?
Guest:I just want to know David's having fun.
Guest:There's nothing better than when David is filled with righteous indignation.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:this fucking guy can you believe this fucking guy and it's just the greatest it's the fun it's the greatest man and i feel sorry for who whomever he's mad at at that particular moment and david's got like six arguments stacked up and he's got the guy backed into a fucking hole but he is again he's such a brilliant guy and such a such a got such a funny comic mind oh definitely and you know um
Guest:You know, we did that first season of Todd Margaret, and I thought it was good.
Guest:And then David went, and he wrote this second series, and he's just really out on himself.
Guest:I think it's really, really good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we got some really cool people coming.
Guest:We got old Don Drapers in the second series.
Guest:Jon Hamm.
Guest:Jon Hamm.
Guest:Sexy.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Marc:Did somebody just say, fuck that guy?
No.
Guest:No, they said they wanted to fuck that guy.
Guest:Yeah, I think that was it.
Guest:And I don't blame him.
Guest:The first day that I showed up and Ham was there, they had me come out and I showed up and he was already working and I came out in a suit and of course he's in a suit and I go, are you fucking kidding me?
Guest:I gotta be in a suit next to John fucking Ham?
Guest:The guy was born with a suit on.
Guest:I mean, handsome as the day is long.
Marc:super talented and then I'm you know it's so weird to be a dude around that dude because it's terrible you're not even sure what you're feeling you just know it's you know you're not sure if like if it's fuck you I want to fuck you or why am I not you what's going on in there how can you help me he makes he makes everything look cool I know it's fucking ridiculous he could like trip you know like you trip and you hope nobody saw you yeah he could make that look really great
Guest:Fuck, I wish I did that.
Guest:What, fell on your face?
Guest:You're so awesome, Jon Hamm.
Guest:Yeah, and women, they go crazy around them.
Guest:Yeah, I don't know what that's like.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we got him.
Guest:We got Spike Jonze is back.
Guest:Spike is fantastic.
Guest:Fantastic.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Did he direct it?
Guest:No, he's acting in it.
Marc:He's fucking hilarious.
Marc:Yeah, he's a terrible actor.
Yeah.
Marc:No, he's not.
Guest:He's actually really great.
Marc:Now, I don't want to bring it.
Marc:What happened with the other show, with the rich people show?
Guest:My rich people show?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That got canceled.
Guest:We don't really.
Guest:We don't really.
Guest:You notice I got closer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, we don't talk about that.
Guest:That was that was a great example of something that we wanted.
Guest:We were like, hey, we want to go there.
Guest:And then at the end of it, or like halfway through, we're like, wait, how are we over here?
Guest:We were supposed to be going over there.
Marc:What happened?
Marc:So other people got involved and they just sort of reworked it and fucked you out of it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I'm sorry.
Guest:In a nutshell, it should have been like...
Guest:The greatest experience, you know, because Mitch and I and Jimmy Valley wrote wrote the pilot and we sort of came up with this this show that we wanted to do.
Guest:And again, what what ends up happening is you start writing something and then you're like, all right, it's going to be this thing.
Guest:And then it's nine months later and it's something else.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then you just there's a monkey in it.
Guest:And yeah, I wish I wish we'd had a monkey.
Guest:That's a great idea.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:Just needed a monkey.
Marc:And of course, you know, this show is never going to air.
Marc:Is it not?
Marc:This is great.
Guest:Then I'll tell you the real deal.
Guest:They're all fuckers, right?
Guest:These motherfuckers will get you.
Guest:Will Arnett, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Keith Robinson, Marina Franklin, Jonathan Katz, John Benjamin, Judy Gold.
Guest:I feel like we've been doing this for nine hours.
Guest:You're a great audience.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:Thank you for the cake.
Guest:Thank you for coming.
Guest:Are you all right?
Guest:Drunky?
Guest:You guys were talking too much.
Guest:Thank you for everything.
Guest:Good night.
Guest:Is that all right?
Guest:You good?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Live WTF from the Bell House in Brooklyn.
Guest:You were fucking great, people.
Guest:Thank you for bearing the heat.
Guest:Thank you, man.
Guest:I'll see you backstage.