Episode 182 - Ahmed Ahmed
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Marc Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fucking ucks?
Marc:What the fucking knots?
Marc:What the fuck ever you want to call yourselves?
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:I hope you are well.
Marc:I am okay.
Marc:It's late here.
Marc:It's dark.
Marc:And I only have one light on in here.
Marc:I have one light on in the garage.
Marc:And it's sort of a mood light.
Marc:And I'm going to try to give you the juice you need.
Marc:I'm in a reflective mode.
Marc:Can I mention first, Ahmed Ahmed is on the show today.
Marc:Can I also mention that Ahmed Ahmed, after all the years I've been doing this, all almost two years I've been doing WTF, Ahmed Ahmed, I believe, was the first guest.
Marc:In my recollection, perhaps I'm wrong, Ahmed Ahmed brought me some peacock feathers for my cats and some coffee and a travel mug.
Marc:Very thoughtful.
Marc:Obviously, I get lots of beautiful gifts from you, the fans.
Marc:I can't even begin to list anymore.
Marc:What to be grateful for the ceramics, the cat toys, the cakes, the pies, whoever gave me those goddamn pumpkin whoopie pies.
Marc:I almost killed myself with joy and then and then remorse, but then joy again a little bit.
Marc:Those were genius.
Marc:And then another guy in Las Vegas brought me a bag of regional gifts from the Rhode Island area.
Marc:Whoever knew that there was regional gifts from Rhode Island?
Marc:There was some Johnny Cake mix, some lemonade mix, some sort of coffee syrup.
Marc:Wonderful.
Marc:Everything that you give me is great.
Marc:The cat postcard of the Cezanne paintings with the little cats in them.
Marc:I don't know how I became this guy, but I do want to tell you that I certainly appreciate it.
Marc:Now, the cat toys, oddly, not unlike the baked goods, are...
Marc:They're not becoming an issue because you can always use more cat toys.
Marc:I know this is a ridiculous thing to talk about, but I guess I'm ridiculous.
Marc:I could not understand.
Marc:My cats, who are nuts, LaFonda and Monkey inside, are always tweaky, always freaking out, always a little on edge.
Marc:Adorable, but nuts.
Marc:They are a little adverse to you approaching them with love.
Marc:They will accept love when they decide to approach you in need of it.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:They're nutty cats.
Marc:But lately, they've been acting so fucking hilarious, playing with each other, laying around on their backs, which is always fun to watch a cat do, completely casual, very affectionate.
Marc:And I'm thinking, what the hell's going on?
Marc:Are they dying?
Marc:And then I realized, because you guys give me so many catnip toys, I have catnip toys.
Marc:Catnip toys are all over the house.
Marc:These cats are fucking high.
Marc:They're high all the fucking time.
Marc:Of course, they're full of love and hilarity and good times.
Marc:They're wasted.
Marc:I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
Marc:I just don't know.
Marc:If I start picking up the cat toys, are they going to start jonesing and tweaking and acting aggravated, perhaps lashing out, biting me?
Marc:Now I'm afraid.
Marc:They're hooked.
Marc:Now I need a constant flow of catnip and cat toys in order to keep my cats happy and high.
Marc:I can't believe it took me this long to figure this out.
Marc:Maybe catnip toys are supposed to be a treat.
Marc:They're not supposed to be a way of life.
Marc:Well, now my cats are wasted.
Marc:They're junkies.
Marc:They're junkies because of you.
Marc:But I love you for that because at least it's not me.
Marc:I'm not a junkie.
Marc:I can only eat so many cakes.
Marc:What I've been reflecting on is...
Marc:Getting older.
Marc:Now, I don't want to be a bore.
Marc:I'm not an old man by any means.
Marc:I can be honest about my age.
Marc:I'm 47 years old and I'm having these moments where I really feel like I don't.
Marc:And I think I've talked about this before.
Marc:Some things just don't fucking matter anymore.
Marc:And it's such a goddamn relief.
Marc:I can't begin to tell you.
Marc:I get these emails from kids ages 13 to 35.
Marc:I'm fucked.
Marc:Yeah, I got relationship problems.
Marc:I can't get laid.
Marc:I can't talk to anybody.
Marc:I want to do stand-up.
Marc:I don't know if I'm ever going to do it.
Marc:What should I do?
Marc:Please help me.
Marc:And then, of course, I get a lot of letters from people saying that I make them feel better, which I think is something I never thought I would be able to do.
Marc:And I'm grateful to do that.
Marc:But I got to tell you, all that the petty stuff, the little things that you're driving yourself crazy about, they're not going to fucking matter at all.
Marc:I keep having this moment.
Marc:I feel like I've talked about this before.
Marc:I had this moment on the plane.
Marc:Do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden you know exactly who you are and what you're doing, at what point in your life you're in, and you get this weird, honest moment of clarity of who you are?
Marc:Sometimes it happens in the mirror, and you're sitting there, and you're saying to yourself, holy shit, when did I get my dad's body?
Marc:When did I become like my father?
Marc:How come all of a sudden I have gray temples?
Marc:Why is my face starting to look like that?
Marc:There are moments where I don't see that because I don't think I change at all.
Marc:And then if I look at a picture or I look at my stomach or I look at my ass and I'm like, holy fuck, it's happening.
Marc:And there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it.
Marc:What am I going to be one of those guys who dyes my hair and have that weird black hair that doesn't match your head or your skin or anything?
Marc:It's just this weird dyed black hair.
Marc:I'm not going to do that.
Marc:What am I going to get my eyes pulled back?
Marc:Am I going to put Botox in my face?
Marc:Am I going to have muscles implanted?
Marc:No, I'm going to go to the gym and just fight the good fight.
Marc:But the weird thing is I'm starting to accept it.
Marc:You know, honestly, though, can I be honest with you?
Marc:If I got a double chin, would you mind if I got it removed?
Marc:I just don't want it.
Marc:I don't want my chin to disappear.
Marc:Is that vain?
Marc:Like the flap?
Marc:I don't want the flap.
Marc:I have a fear of the flap.
Marc:I just can't.
Marc:I don't think I'm... Obviously, I'm vain.
Marc:But what I'm trying to tell you is a lot of that is starting to relax.
Marc:It's a fucking miracle.
Marc:I'm fucking halfway okay with it.
Marc:I'm halfway okay with aging.
Marc:because I don't think about dying and I realize that aging is inevitable.
Marc:There's nothing I can do about it.
Marc:I'm just giving up on that.
Marc:I'm going to let it go.
Marc:Is that all right if I just let it go?
Marc:If I just let it go and enjoy my life and enjoy this girl I'm with?
Marc:But please, God, please, if I get a flap under my face, I got to get rid of the flap.
Marc:You got to let me do that.
Marc:Is it wrong to ask you guys permission for a future flap removal?
Marc:I just don't want to have that thing under there.
Marc:Is it happening?
Marc:I'm going to hit my chin.
Marc:I'm hitting under my chin right now because I don't want to live with that.
Marc:Did I tell you about going to John Benjamin's premiere?
Marc:John Benjamin has a show on Comedy Central.
Marc:It's a new series.
Marc:It's called John Benjamin Has a Van, and it's fucking hilarious.
Marc:I just spent some time with John on the live WTF from the Bell House.
Marc:Not sure when that's going up, but I will get it up soon.
Marc:But it's funny, man.
Marc:And John is very plays it straight, plays it hard and and is a bit it's not dark.
Marc:He's just, you know, John's got that way about him.
Marc:But the premiere of John Benjamin has a van on Comedy Central.
Marc:They're going to do two nights, two episodes.
Marc:That's that's next Tuesday and Wednesday, June 14th and 15th.
Marc:Two nights, two episodes, 1030, 930 Central.
Marc:John Benjamin has a van on Comedy Central.
Marc:It's fucking hilarious.
Marc:there are some truly beautiful moments in it now what was i talking about oh yeah the flap no flap is that okay that's that's the last vestige of my vanity that and that's not true jesus there's so much there's so much i'm working on letting it go god damn it i'm not complaining about getting old but man sometimes you see really old people and you have that moment i'm like oh that's that's coming
Marc:But I'm sure they're thinking like, I'm good.
Marc:I can make it.
Marc:I've got to learn how to appreciate it.
Marc:I've got to learn how to appreciate old people.
Marc:I have to talk to them more.
Marc:Can we all make a decision to do that and spend some time with some old people in a way that's not condescending, in a way that it's not like we have to do it?
Marc:They have things to tell us.
Marc:Depending on their temperament, it could go anywhere from, this is what I learned from my 80 years on Earth, and it's enlightening, to, it's not worth it.
Marc:Not worth it.
Marc:Look at this flap.
Marc:Look at it.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Good talk.
Marc:Good talk.
Marc:Good talk.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Marc:So wait, how old are you, dude?
Guest:I'm 40, sadly enough.
Marc:So I'm 47.
Marc:Oh, really?
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:You don't look 47.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:I fucking feel fat, dude.
Guest:When I hit 40, it was like game over for me.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I just, you know, I woke up on my 40th birthday.
Guest:This is no joke.
Guest:I woke up on my 40th birthday, and I just fell back to sleep.
Guest:It was like something physically just changed at 40.
Guest:Really?
Guest:30, it changed.
Guest:But then 40 was like physical breakdown.
Guest:Like what do you mean?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Just bad back.
Guest:You know, but like all the traveling and stuff plays into that too.
Guest:But just all the sort of, you know, the kinks.
Guest:You hit all the kinks.
Marc:I didn't get that.
Marc:You know, I mean, I was in pretty good shape.
Marc:And now like I've just been eating like a pig as I've been on the road.
Marc:But were you an athlete or something?
Guest:Younger I was.
Guest:Younger I played like football.
Guest:I was never that good.
Guest:I didn't have the heart for football.
Guest:But I played soccer.
Guest:I was decent at soccer.
Guest:I was okay at basketball.
Guest:Baseball, I was all right.
Guest:um but you were a sports guy yeah i mean i wasn't i wasn't die hard but maybe you beat the out of yourself well that you know that and and uh you know just stupid little accidents like uh we were we were just playing touch football and i broke my collarbone you know stuff like that all right the traveling yeah you know sitting it's not like i'm flying business and first all the time and you're flying to places like dubai and egypt
Marc:If you're not flying first to fucking Dubai.
Guest:When I go overseas, I require business at least.
Guest:But when it's domestic, I'll take these economy flights and they stink because I'm 6'2".
Guest:And my long legs are all cramped up next to people you don't know.
Marc:It's horrible.
Marc:It's horrible for guys that are at regular height.
Marc:Psychologically, it messes with you.
Marc:It breaks you, man.
Marc:It's like being held hostage.
Marc:It's like psychological terrorism.
Marc:So I didn't mean to bring that up.
Guest:Oh, thank you.
Guest:Thanks for that reference.
Guest:I know that.
Guest:Is your name really Ahmed Ahmed?
Guest:It's sensitive when you bring that up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My name's Ahmed Ahmed.
Guest:They got our leader.
Marc:They got him.
Marc:Finally.
Marc:Ahmed Ahmed.
Marc:What is that?
Marc:Some sort of joke?
Marc:By the way, Ahmed Ahmed is in my garage.
Marc:Both Ahmeds are here.
Marc:Me and my ultra ego.
Guest:Thanks for having me.
Guest:This is fun, man.
Guest:Yeah, but your parents said Ahmed Ahmed?
Guest:My parents, I'll tell you the back story.
Guest:It's kind of boring, but I'll break it down for you.
Guest:My mom and dad, I'm from Egypt.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My parents are, they were born.
Guest:Do you still have family there?
Guest:Still have family there.
Guest:What's going on over there?
Guest:Winning.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:We revolted and overthrew the government.
Guest:So you're part of the we that did that?
Guest:I technically wasn't, but I think my presence maybe.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:No, my family lives outside of where all that happened, but it was this historical thing.
Marc:In the suburbs?
Guest:You're not from-
Guest:Cairo?
Guest:There aren't really suburbs in Cairo.
Guest:It's like little towns and villages.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They live in a village outside.
Marc:But they were affected by it, I have to assume.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There were like looters in their little village.
Guest:And they had people, kids and men were standing outside with knives and pitchforks.
Guest:But were they anti-Mubarak?
Guest:The looters?
Marc:The looters were just taking advantage of a situation.
Guest:Yeah, you know what happened.
Guest:They released like a thousand prisoners.
Guest:And so they were running wild on the streets of Cairo.
Guest:Killing people and looting?
Guest:That sounds like a funny song, running wild on the streets of Cairo.
Guest:Yeah, write it.
Guest:It'll be a country song.
Guest:Or a reggae song.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:uh no so so so there's a lot of that happening but i don't know if those guys were they were probably anti-mubarak but your family though i mean that whatever relatives you have there i think the the younger generation in our family was a little bit you're talking like you don't know your family do you have actual family well my family over there yeah the younger like the you know the sort of 30 and under they're more you know this modern generation coming of age whereas like the older
Guest:Like, when I talk to my parents about it, I'm like, what do you think of this Mubarak thing?
Guest:And they're like, well, you know, we grew up with him.
Guest:We don't know.
Guest:We're over here in America watching the news.
Guest:Who knows really what's going on?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, it's like that kind of thing.
Guest:So they're sort of misinformed.
Guest:But Egypt overall, completely, you know, I'd say like 80% of Egypt, which consists of 85 million almost, were anti-Mubarak.
Guest:And that's how every other country... They're like, if they can do it...
Guest:Yeah, yeah, let's see if they get away with it.
Guest:Yeah, and they did boom chain reaction Jordan Syria Yeah, yeah, you know they were gonna revolt in Saudi but the Saudi government paid off You know they paid everybody say here's 2,000 bucks.
Marc:Don't is that amazing that they have that much money to pay off everyone not to fight 24 million people I don't really know the politics of the whole situation, but so when did your parents come here and
Guest:My parents immigrated.
Guest:Well, to go back to the name issue, my name is actually pronounced Ahmed, Abu Bakr, Ahmed, Mohammed, Ali, Abdul Wahab, Kawadia.
Marc:And you chose not to go with that as a stage name?
Guest:Yeah, I was like, eh, I can't get representation with it.
Marc:That's a little complicated.
Guest:How do you put that on your headshot?
Guest:Yeah, I better tighten this up.
Guest:It goes all over the corners of the headshot.
Guest:And it's sort of like in Mexican families and stuff.
Guest:They always take the father's name and just keep adding it so you can keep tracing your roots.
Guest:So when my dad went down to the immigration office to get my papers, they were like, sir, you know...
Guest:bit much there's no room so um my mother him decided to call me ahmed or ahmed in arabic which means it's short for muhammad which means thank god or one one who thanks god yeah and so um then my dad my parents immigrated to uh to the states uh where they end up well we started in downey actually yeah in this little one bedroom apartment then we
Guest:Ended up in L.A.
Guest:for a minute.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:I was a month old.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Yeah, I was like a Lion King.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I said, oh, we're going to America.
Guest:Ahmed, Ahmed.
Guest:And then we ended up in Riverside, California, which is where I was raised.
Guest:And we were the only Arab family, not only on the block, but in the whole...
Guest:Almost the whole city, really.
Marc:So how'd they come up with the two Ahmeds?
Marc:He just shortened everything after the first Ahmed to Ahmed?
Guest:Well, the last family name that he's using is Ahmed.
Guest:So, okay.
Guest:So they said Ahmed.
Marc:So your name was already Ahmed.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Well, Ahmed, well, Baker Ahmed.
Guest:It's technically my first, middle, and last name.
Marc:So there you are growing up in Riverside.
Marc:All white?
Marc:What is that?
Marc:Wow, yeah.
Marc:Well...
Marc:Latino?
Guest:It was interesting because we ended up in this little cool little suburb outside of LA and Riverside and close to the college campus, UCR.
Guest:It was very...
Guest:middle class and a little bit lower middle class, mostly white families, but then our high school was really racially diverse.
Guest:We had black, Mexican, Asian, and we were sort of considered the thug high school.
Guest:Athletes would come and do really well there, but there was also some gang violence and that sort of thing.
Guest:Right.
Guest:When I was in high school, I blended in perfectly.
Guest:Nobody really, they were like, where are you from?
Guest:They didn't really understand.
Marc:You mean if you didn't say your name?
Guest:Even when I'd say my name and they'd hear Egypt, they were always sort of mystified by it.
Guest:And I'd get the little jokes like, did you come in on your flying carpet?
Guest:And did you climb a pyramid?
Guest:And do you have camels?
Guest:Those jokes have changed now.
Guest:Generic, yeah.
Guest:Now it's like, do you fly planes?
Yeah.
Guest:Are you good in chemistry?
Guest:Do you use fertilizer every day?
Guest:How many wives do you have?
Guest:So it didn't really, it was sort of like this weird thing.
Guest:Like my parents, they'd come over, like the kids would come over to my house and it's a joke I used to do because it's a true story.
Guest:One of my friends walked in and my parents were praying and he looked at me and he said, what are they looking for?
Guest:And I was like, I go, oh, well, they're praying.
Guest:And he's like, to who?
Guest:And I'm like, so I always had to explain what Islam was and talk about, you know, the belief of it all behind it.
Guest:And then, but then there was times- Are they still religious?
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, they're actually in my film.
Guest:And my dad actually steals the movie, which I'll tell you about later.
Guest:But they're not like extremists.
Guest:They're very open-minded.
Guest:I didn't suggest that.
Marc:Why are you so paranoid?
Guest:I'm not paranoid.
Guest:You just said religious.
Guest:I'm pretty religious.
Marc:No, but I mean extremists is different.
Marc:I mean religious means they just- In my head I heard extreme.
Guest:They are religious.
Marc:What are they up to, your parents, is what I'm asking you on that.
Marc:Who's asking, Mark?
Marc:I'm representing the white people of the world.
Guest:Can we edit this part?
Guest:This is getting really uncomfortable.
Guest:I feel like I'm on trial here at Mark Maron's podcast.
Marc:I know that you're fronting as a comedian, Ahmed Ahmed.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I actually have a whole second life back home with several sleeper cells.
Guest:plotting against the infidels of America.
Marc:So they still practice.
Marc:I just never know with Islam, are there lapsed Muslims?
Marc:Are there Muslims that are sort of, of course there are.
Marc:What am I thinking?
Marc:You're probably one.
Marc:You don't pray every day, do you?
Guest:I pray in here.
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Marc:Yeah, we all do.
Guest:I actually do pray.
Guest:I don't do the actual physical Muslim prayer all the time.
Guest:Yeah, but then you're just half-assing it, man.
Guest:In the eyes of a true Muslim, and by the way, I get criticized quite a bit by my own.
Guest:By my own religious demographic.
Guest:Brothers?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Oh, you should go to the YouTube clips.
Guest:There's one clip on YouTube referencing this.
Guest:There's a joke that when I reference going to Dubai, it's very schizophrenic because you go down to the beach, you'll see Muslim women wearing the scarves, the hijab.
Guest:Then you'll see European men in Speedos.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:you'll see a mosque right across the street from the mosque.
Guest:There's a nightclub.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So around 8 o'clock every night, you hear the call for prayer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then you hear the... Yeah, right.
Guest:It's all the Muslims are confused.
Guest:Should I go pray?
Guest:Should I go dance?
Guest:There's this sort of, you know, weird dichotomy.
Guest:And the joke ended up on our Axis of Evil, you know, Comedy Central special, which we filmed in the States, but it ended up on a DVD, eventually on YouTube.
Guest:And I kept on taking it down, and people kept on putting it back up, so I just left it up.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I think there's about...
Guest:How many hits are on that thing?
Guest:Like a couple hundred thousand hits.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But there's about 500 comments.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:A full-blown international argument going on.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Over this joke.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's almost scary.
Guest:What are the sides?
Guest:You know, this guy's not a real Muslim.
Guest:He will burn in hell.
Guest:Allah will have his wrath on him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, some people were like, I think it's funny.
Guest:How do I book him?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it's just so there's a lot of angry Muslim reaction.
Guest:Well, then you'll see like Jews and Christians do no file in right now and there's a whole religious like The Mideast on your YouTube page.
Guest:Well, it's also just straight-up Americans that are just chiming in and saying hey, man You know I've been in Dubai when I'm in the military.
Guest:I was there.
Guest:It's yeah, it's not all you know And you were just drawing attention to it
Marc:I mean accidentally well, I was right.
Guest:That's what we do.
Guest:We report the news.
Guest:Yeah, so complain or complain about something so they were they were Literally offended by the suggestion that Muslims were confused as to what to do Yeah, and and you know not all Muslims would go to nightclubs You know that joke got me banned in Dubai for a year by who by the authorities in Dubai
Guest:Who are they kidding they know what they're sitting on over there somebody showed them the clip and said look at this guy He's making fun of our city, and he's boss.
Guest:He's blasphemous toward Islam and They they rejected my Maz will tell you Maz was I talked to him already.
Guest:Yeah, he was he was a
Guest:We were going out there together to do shows, and my passport was rejected.
Marc:Would that be an example?
Marc:I don't know what the government of Dubai is like, but is that them buckling to Muslim extremists within their country, or Orthodox Muslims saying, look, are they riding that fine line between...
Marc:having a Western-style party town and honoring a Muslim nation ideology?
Guest:Joking about it is what angers them.
Marc:So if you joke about it... Which means if you draw attention to the fact... Right, yeah.
Guest:See, it's funny because in Dubai, cocaine is illegal, but you can get a hooker.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Hooker's old school.
Guest:Hooker's great.
Guest:Cocaine, no, no.
Guest:And if you get caught with cocaine, it's like 15 years in jail.
Guest:It's like a really extreme thing.
Guest:But the weird thing about that place is, and all the sort of what they call the GCC, the Gulf countries, which is Saudi, Dubai, Oman, Qatar, Kuwait, all the oil countries, basically.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:they have this very strict sort of don't touch Islam in any way when you're doing your comedy.
Guest:So whenever you reference it and make light of it or humor of it, it's considered forbidden.
Marc:But it seems to me that a lot of them are sort of accommodating some Western tastes, and there's more of a Western influence in some of those countries, but yet publicly they have to hold this party line so they don't have to deal with any shit.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Right, I mean, I'll give you an example.
Guest:About a month and a half ago, I was asked to do this private corporate event in Dubai.
Guest:Like 800 people showed up.
Guest:It's this big Amir shake.
Marc:Was it just you?
Guest:It was just me.
Marc:Because Maz has got a story about one of these.
Marc:Yeah, so okay, so what happens?
Guest:Well, you go out there.
Guest:There's a couple different stories.
Guest:First of all, when I got banned in Dubai...
Guest:I wasn't allowed to perform public shows for a year.
Guest:Right.
Guest:They eventually lifted the band.
Guest:Was there an announcement?
Guest:Did people cheer in the streets?
Guest:Yeah, people were marching.
Marc:Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed is back, Ahmed is back.
Guest:Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed.
Guest:I had flags with my face on it.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:No, I was getting booked to do a lot of private events.
Guest:By who?
Guest:Just random bankers or people, and they'd fly you out first class, and you'd show up at the Four Seasons golf course.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Sebastian came with us on one of these, and I think Maz, actually.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you show up, and the car service picks you up, and you're outdoor on the golf course on the Four Seasons, and there's about 50 men sitting there with their wives smoking cigars and drinking Johnny Walker Black.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:And they're on these lounges, and there's servants everywhere.
Guest:And before you go up, the organizer would come up to me, and he's like this wealthy, filthy, rich guy, and he's like,
Guest:ahmed very nice to meet you thanks for coming to our event we are so happy you're here by the way i heard your band in dubai is it true i'm like yeah you know yeah and i'm like that's so cool man man here you can say whatever you want okay yeah go for it yeah pat you on the back and you walk away and you're like wow and did you and then yeah you go up and you just let loose and then they give you
Guest:The paydays are nice over there.
Marc:Sure, they got plenty of money apparently.
Marc:Did you ever perform for any royalty?
Guest:Yeah, Maz and I, we've done shows in front of the King of Jordan.
Guest:Him and Queen Rania attended one of our shows.
Marc:See, I talked to Maz Jobrani and I neglected to get that story.
Marc:So why don't you share with me what that was like?
Guest:Well, it's kind of a fascinating story.
Marc:Because his mother, Noor, right, is American.
Marc:British, I think.
Marc:British.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And the father's Jordanian.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I always thought that the father seemed like a pretty cool guy to me.
Guest:You know, I'll tell you a couple interesting things.
Marc:His name was Hussein as well, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The King of Jordan.
Guest:Okay, well, first of all, when we did Access of Evil... Now, can you tell me what the fuck happened between you and Cater?
Guest:Well, you know, we just went our different ways creatively.
Guest:I wish him the best.
Guest:I think he's a funny guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Just out of the three, he seems to have a chip on his shoulder.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I mean, that's his own.
Guest:He's got his own journey.
Guest:Well, Maz and I... You and Jabrani are still friends.
Guest:Maz and I, yeah, we're thick as thieves.
Guest:And we've had our butts and disagreements and stuff.
Guest:But the thing about Maz and I, at the end of the day, is we respect each other.
Guest:Right.
Guest:even if we don't agree on stuff.
Guest:Whereas with Aaron sometimes, almost all the time, there was always an acidic, vicious comeback or regret or some sort of... Yeah, it happens.
Guest:And it happens.
Guest:And as you know, when you're touring with comics, we're very much individual spirits.
Guest:We're not really team... We're not known to be team... It's not a team sport.
Guest:Not usually.
Guest:Not usually.
Guest:But if you can find that chemistry with a bunch of comics, it's great.
Guest:And with us...
Guest:Fortunately, it started that way, and then when we started to become a little bit, we were starting to get some wind in our sail.
Marc:Well, you're Egyptian-American.
Marc:Maz is Persian-American, and Aaron is Palestinian-American.
Guest:Correct.
Guest:And Mitzi put us together, in fact, as the Arabian Nights originally, and then we switched the name to Axis of Evil because Maz is Iranian.
Marc:Okay, so you're performing for the King of Jordan.
Guest:So we set up these tours in the Middle East.
Guest:Well, I pitched the idea, and they bought it,
Guest:Aaron Amoz flew out for it and originally we had two shows booked in Jordan by this radio station and they sold out so fast they added two more shows so I was in touch with Showtime Arabia and Dubai and I said hey we just sold out four shows in Jordan they were about to air our Comedy Central special on Showtime over there like in a month so I was like do you guys want to Johnny on the spot jump on this bandwagon let's piggyback Jordan and do four other cosmo countries in the Middle East and
Marc:What were those countries?
Guest:Egypt, Lebanon, Dubai.
Guest:And you were looking for sponsorship from Showtime.
Guest:They sponsored it.
Guest:They sponsored the tour.
Guest:So we ended up doing, we were supposed to do two shows in each country.
Guest:Who knew Showtime was there?
Marc:It always surprised me.
Marc:It's like, I thought this was ours.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, if you go over there, you've never been over there.
Guest:Everything's American.
Guest:TGI Fridays, McDonald's, Nike, gas.
Marc:I noticed that in China, that the only thing I really recognized on the landscape of signs was the KFC bucket.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, it's Taco Bell and KFCs all over the Middle East.
Guest:McDonald's, Coca-Cola.
Guest:But the demand was so high because right around then, YouTube had sort of emerged.
Guest:And a lot of people in the Middle East were on YouTube.
Guest:And Facebook was bigger over there at that time than it was here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Everybody in the Middle East was on Facebook.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So people were creating Facebook events page.
Guest:Hey, Axios of Evos come into Lebanon.
Guest:Boom, 5,000 people would join.
Guest:Hey, they're coming to Dubai.
Guest:Boom, 5,000 people would join.
Guest:We ended up doing 27 sold-out shows in 30 days.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:In five countries.
Guest:And they were queuing around the corner.
Guest:Tickets were on the black market for like 500 bucks US.
Marc:We shot it.
Marc:When you say black market, I picture someone selling explosives and tickets to your show.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Hey, I got really good explosives.
Marc:Ashish, AK-47.
Guest:And two tickets to Access Avivo.
Yeah.
Guest:It's funny.
Guest:That would be a funny sketch.
Guest:Knock yourself out.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's yours.
Guest:Thanks, Mark.
Guest:You bet.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I'll just put this right here in my pocket.
Guest:Take it home with you.
Guest:And then Showtime filmed it.
Guest:And it ended up being a 12-part miniseries on Showtime Arabia.
Guest:And the whole Middle East saw it.
Guest:So we were immediately- That's fascinating.
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:How is it a 12-part miniseries?
Guest:They shot all this footage, and they cut it into- Of you guys doing the same act over and over again?
Guest:No.
Guest:Well, here's the dilemma.
Guest:Originally, our agreement was they were going to do six half-hour episodes, and they'd use a couple minutes of our material.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Because we were going to make it more about the tour, not about the show.
Marc:Oh, so they were doing a documentary thing.
Guest:Right.
Guest:They burned everything, and they aired 12 episodes that were like an hour long.
Guest:They breached the contract, basically.
Marc:And they shot your whole act.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And then they put that up front.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And then all of a sudden they had... Or no, they wouldn't put it up front.
Guest:They would disperse it out throughout the whole series.
Guest:Well, that's good.
Guest:That's good, at least.
Guest:But we didn't want to do 12 episodes.
Guest:We wanted to save them because we were going to do a movie.
Guest:There was a whole plan behind it.
Guest:And it's the Wild East.
Guest:You could do whatever you want.
Marc:Yeah, I'm sure you could do the movie and they'd be just as happy now.
Guest:So, well, we ended up having it falling out.
Guest:They sent me the footage.
Guest:I have it.
Guest:I don't know if I love it.
Guest:So they didn't air it?
Guest:They did.
Guest:They aired 12 episodes.
Guest:And we were like these sort of overnight cult-following sort of, you know.
Guest:You, Aaron, and Maz.
Guest:Yeah, Maz and Aaron and I would walk into a nightclub in any place in the Middle East, and people were fascinated.
Marc:That's fascinating.
Guest:And I was like, wow, my agent won't even call me back in Hollywood.
Guest:But I'm like fucking huge here in Jordan or whatever, you know?
Marc:So how did the King of Jordan take that?
Guest:So we get to Jordan, and this is where we're sort of launching the tour, and four sold-out shows.
Guest:There was a buzz in Jordan.
Marc:How big a room?
Guest:It was a courtyard that held about 500 people.
Guest:And they had these little sort of food stands and shiroma things, and you can get a drink, and it was very festive.
Guest:Nice stage.
Guest:The radio station sponsored it.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Maz and I were in the, the hotel was right next door to the venue.
Guest:So Maz and I were up in our room and we were just kind of getting ready and stuff.
Guest:And all of a sudden you hear this, and we ran out and looked over the balcony and there was a motorcade pulling up to the show with like secret service men running alongside this thing and people, and I was like, our cell phones wouldn't work.
Guest:They shut down the frequencies.
Guest:And I go, I go, shit, I guess the king's here.
Guest:Because we heard he was going to come.
Guest:We thought they were bullshitting us.
Guest:I was like, well, I guess the king's here.
Guest:So we went to the venue and the guys were like, the promoters were like, look, his majesty's here with his wife and their family.
Guest:They're sitting right in the front.
Guest:They're going to sit right in the front when they exit the cars.
Guest:When he sits, the show starts.
Guest:We're like, great.
Guest:He sits, show starts.
Guest:I'm hosting, so I'm the first one up.
Guest:I'm taking the bullet.
Guest:I go up on stage.
Guest:I'm welcoming everybody.
Guest:This is so great.
Guest:Jordan, you're the first country to bring us to the Middle East.
Guest:Give yourselves a big round of applause.
Guest:They're going nuts.
Guest:There's Secret Service men all over the place.
Guest:So I'm like, as you know, I'd like to honor His Majesty, King Abdullah, who was able to make it to our show.
Guest:And everybody went nuts.
Guest:And I said, we're thankful that you're here, King Abdullah.
Guest:I cracked a joke and he laughed and I said, thank you for laughing.
Guest:I said, but if you didn't think I was funny, you'd be like, throw him to the lions.
Guest:What was the joke?
Guest:Do you remember?
Guest:I think I said something like, sorry, we're running late.
Guest:We call this AST, Arab Standard Time.
Guest:Just a little generic joke just to kind of get a little flair out there.
Guest:And I was throwing a lifeline out.
Marc:It's interesting how quickly that, you know, you're in another country that obviously has, you know, a monarchy and a structure that is completely different than ours.
Marc:But you immediately honored it.
Marc:I mean, there was there was no.
Guest:He's the elephant in the room.
Guest:You have to point him out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The king's right there, too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There's like it's like, you know, there's a barricade.
Guest:Isn't he like our age?
Guest:He yeah, he's like I think he's like early late 40s, early 50s.
Guest:It's interesting because after the show, we met him briefly and we like gave him some T-shirts for his kids and stuff like that.
Guest:And we get a call the next day saying his majesty wants to invite you to the palace to meet him in person.
Guest:And I was like, oh, we were all like, oh, we have to go get suits.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we all went out and bought suits, like right there on the spot.
Guest:And a car picked us up, and Maz and Aaron and I, I'll never forget it, went to the palace.
Guest:And it was like a – it was almost like a –
Guest:like a like a military compound uh-huh and so we pulled up and they checked us in we go into this little sort of office and then you know we're waiting and then they bring us into another office and then he comes walking in he's a short guy but he's not that tall and he's like hey how you guys doing nice to meet you i was at the show last night it was very funny and we're like oh thanks and he's like um you know so you know how do you write your jokes yeah and
Guest:And we're all looking at each other like, don't you have like a prime minister to meet with?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:He's like, I thought it was hilarious.
Guest:And I said, how did you hear about us?
Guest:And he said, my cousin, who's Jordanian, lives in the States.
Guest:And we did a Harley Davidson motorcycle ride from San Francisco to LA.
Guest:And at one of the stops, he pulled out your Access of Evil DVD and said he had seen you guys in San Francisco.
Guest:And he gave it to me to watch.
Guest:And I watched it.
Guest:I thought you were hilarious.
Guest:He gave us a letter and the whole thing.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:So that's so funny.
Marc:So he just heard you were in town?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No joke.
Guest:The funny thing, too, is he loves comedy.
Guest:They do this annual festival every year.
Guest:Dean Obidola actually does this festival every year that I sort of had a hand in in the beginning.
Guest:And it's called the A Man Stand-Up Comedy Festival.
Guest:They've been bringing out acts for the past three years.
Guest:Omi Jalili, Gabriel Iglesias, Maz Aaron, myself.
Guest:But Russell Peters went out there.
Guest:twice and the king like gave him a watch the first you know $15,000 watch I think the first time around and the second time around he invited Russell to his house and they were like sort of King Abdullah yeah uh-huh the guy you met for a few minutes right now Russell's getting the prince treatment not only that he cooked for him
Guest:so now are you kind of thinking where's my watch yeah yeah send me something man yeah come on so you know give me an honorable mention or something they were shooting like in a shooting range they were apparently they were having some drinky drink yeah and Russell went on George Lopez and talked about his experience and apparently like didn't sit well with the majesty really so he took his watch back
Guest:I don't know, but I was told by a few sources that he wasn't very happy with that because they don't want their personal lives being exposed.
Marc:Oh, interesting.
Marc:So he broke the brotherhood.
Marc:Yeah, you didn't respect the king.
Marc:What happens in the compound stays in the coffee.
Guest:Yeah, stays in the compound.
Guest:Come on, what are you doing, bro?
Guest:It's like fucking Vegas, man.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, come on.
Marc:They're not supposed to know we're human.
Guest:Bro, I'm married with three kids, too.
Marc:Come on, man.
Guest:But, yeah, so it was interesting.
Guest:We were doing these tours.
Guest:Queen Nora's actually been to one of our shows in D.C.
Guest:That whole thing went great.
Guest:We did the tour.
Guest:That's the mother.
Marc:The mother, yeah.
Marc:The widow of King Hussein.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we had a lot of VIPs come to our shows and stuff, and the fanfare was amazing, and it really built this great infrastructure to come.
Marc:Outside of flack on the internet and being exiled from Dubai, did you have any sort of resistance in person when you did any of these shows?
Guest:From people physically?
Guest:Yeah, physically.
Guest:Like coming up to me?
Guest:Every once in a while, somebody would walk by and say, you know, Ahmad, this joke you do.
Okay.
Guest:It's not very good for Islam, okay?
Guest:But can you sign this for my daughter?
Guest:You know, like that kind of stuff.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Maybe you'll cut back on a little edge for my, you know.
Marc:Right, right, right.
Marc:But people normally- But you're not a dirty guy, so it's really about Islam then.
Guest:It's more, I'm fascinated by religion.
Guest:Only because it was pounded in my fucking head.
Marc:Well, that's what we started with.
Marc:So you're brought up fairly religious.
Guest:I mean, yeah.
Guest:I mean, my parents, they pray five times a day.
Guest:They practice Ramadan.
Guest:They give it to charity.
Guest:My mom's a saint.
Guest:They fear God in a very innocent way.
Guest:And they're very honest people and hardworking.
Guest:What kind of business?
Guest:My dad moved here.
Guest:Actually, funny enough, my dad, when he first moved to the States, whatever degree and training he had back home, it made no sense here.
Guest:So he had to start from scratch.
Marc:What could that possibly be?
Guest:He was an engineer back then.
Guest:His English wasn't that great, and he wasn't American educated.
Guest:So he pumped gas at a Shell gas station for $1.75 an hour and worked his way up to where he actually bought into the gas station.
Guest:Then he started owning other gas stations, and he bought an automotive shop, and he was the town mechanic for most of his life.
Guest:We owned a restaurant at one point, a Middle Eastern food restaurant before falafel was cool.
Marc:How'd that do?
Guest:It broke even for five years, and then they shut it down, and about a year later, this homos and tabbouleh train came out.
Guest:My dad was like, oh, if you only waited a year, you know?
Marc:Back to the gas station.
Guest:Back to the gas station.
Guest:My mom was housewife.
Guest:raising six kids.
Guest:I have four sisters and a brother.
Marc:So what did it look like to grow up in a religiously Muslim household?
Marc:How many brothers and sisters?
Guest:Four sisters and a brother.
Guest:Six of us, yeah.
Guest:We were like the Arab Munsters.
Wow.
Guest:We were like the Arab Adam family.
Guest:Oh, we were.
Guest:We were like the weird family on the block, because my mom was always cooking stuff with spices that Americans weren't used to, like cumin and stuff like that, garlic, and all these weird fumes would be- And he'd bring friends over, and he'd have to explain.
Guest:They're like, yeah, what are they?
Guest:What's your mom cooking?
Guest:Cow brains?
Guest:Or whatever.
Guest:And my dad, he was a night owl, so he'd sit up till 3, 4 in the morning watering the grass, smoking cigarettes.
Guest:by watering by hand.
Guest:So the neighbors were always like, what are you doing out there for?
Marc:So you were religiously odd and then actually odd.
Guest:And on top of that, because my parents only ate halal food or kosher food, they didn't sell it back then in the 70s at stores, so my dad had to drive to Fontana, California,
Guest:with our station wagon and load up... He'd go to a farm and load up the station wagon with chickens and ducks and rabbits.
Guest:And do it himself?
Guest:And they'd bring it back.
Guest:We had a live meat locker, basically, in our backyard.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And every day around 5, my mom or earlier, my mom and dad would go out to the backyard and they'd pick out a chicken and my dad would hold it down and say the Muslim...
Guest:Please bless this soul and let our family have sustenance.
Guest:No.
Guest:And my mom would do the... There's a way you sacrifice, they say.
Guest:Cut the head off.
Guest:So the animal doesn't suffer.
Guest:And, you know, it's like Clash of the Titans.
Guest:She's holding up this head and she's got blood all over her.
Guest:I was like...
Guest:And we were eating dinner by 9 p.m.
Guest:The funny thing was the kids would come over during the day from the neighborhood and play with the rabbits or the chickens or whatever, and they'd come back to find their favorite rabbit they're playing with, and it was gone.
Guest:They're like, what happened to Fluffy?
Guest:We ate him.
Guest:We're eating his sister tonight.
Guest:That's his cousin.
Guest:So there was an oddity of, you know, it was odd.
Marc:So it was mostly chickens and rabbits?
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, you know, my mom was always about organic, fresh.
Guest:We didn't eat a lot of, like, you know, processed food growing up.
Guest:She cooked everything.
Marc:But in terms of livestock, you didn't have pigs?
Marc:No.
Marc:You can't eat pigs anyways.
Marc:But you didn't have any goats?
Guest:She would, on special, like, lamb, basically.
Guest:Like, if we had, like, whenever somebody got married, whenever somebody died.
Guest:You'd have to get a live lamb.
Guest:They'd go to the thing, they'd get a lamb.
Guest:A live one.
Guest:No, they would have it killed at the farm, but my mom would prepare it.
Marc:How did they pray over it if it was killed at the farm, or was it a Muslim-owned farm?
Guest:That's a good question.
Guest:I think my dad was in on it.
Guest:I think he was right there.
Guest:Actually, you know what?
Guest:Now that I think about it, my dad would bring a Muslim imam.
Guest:To the farm.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:And before they'd hang it up by its legs.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Before they would kill it, a Muslim.
Guest:Is that true?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He had a friend who was an imam?
Marc:There was a mosque in- Riverside, yeah.
Guest:It was a small mosque.
Marc:Oh, so he would go down there with them?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:That's amazing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then they would do it for, you know, weddings, whenever somebody, like, the baby was born, funerals.
Guest:Do the lamb.
Guest:Graduation during Ramadan.
Guest:And, you know, it was a full-blown lamb.
Guest:Like, it wasn't, like, chopped up into lamb pieces.
Guest:It was, like, a, you know, carcass.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And my mom would stuff it and butter it and pepper it and salt it and, like, prepare this thing.
Guest:And, you know, she'd feed 50 people, 100 people.
Marc:That's pretty amazing.
Marc:And so you were dropping to your knees five times a day for most of your childhood, or what?
Guest:Younger, you know, I was in and out of my Muslim lifestyle.
Guest:You know, it was interesting, back in the 80s, do you remember the Iran-Contra era?
Guest:So we used to get death threats, and people would call our house and say, go back to your country, stupid, you know, whatever.
Guest:And we'd be like, dude, we're Egyptian.
Guest:If you're going to be racist, go get it right.
Guest:Focus.
Guest:Yeah, go read a, you know, go Google it.
Marc:Do some research.
Guest:So we'd have like nails under our car TP You know it got a little weird Now when you went to Egypt to tour did you see family?
Guest:I did I did we?
Guest:We well the first time I went I mean every time I go to Egypt to do shows I try to go see my family which is right outside of Cairo and Holland and they're like not to you know discredit who they are as people but they're very sort of third-world primitive
Guest:donkeys and goats and women cooking corn on the side of the road.
Guest:Looks like something out of National Geographic.
Guest:And we actually, in our film, we took the camera crew and filmed in there.
Guest:It looks like really something like on the back lot of Warner Brothers or something.
Guest:My camera guys were like, wow, dude, I feel like we're on a movie set.
Marc:So you went back when you went to Egypt and you went to visit family, you had the camera crew with you.
Marc:Now, when did you start getting into show business?
Marc:Because I don't know...
Marc:When you somehow aligned yourself with Vince Vaughn?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Vince, you know, well, so growing up in Riverside, I'll just kind of give you a little backstory because this is sort of where it's all spawned.
Guest:I graduated high school, barely, went to junior high school, tried to play football and sports, and I was going to try to make my parents happy to go into college and study what they wanted me to study and
Guest:I was literally in class one day and just left my bag and walked out and went home.
Guest:Of high school or junior high?
Guest:Junior college.
Guest:Oh, junior college.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And my mom was like, it's two o'clock in the afternoon.
Guest:You're supposed to be in class.
Guest:And I'm like, yeah, I just quit.
Guest:She's like, sort of freaking out.
Guest:What are you going to do?
Guest:my dad you know was in on it and i said i'm gonna move to hollywood and be an actor i really want to be an actor and a comedian i like the entertainment industry and my dad was like you ought to a gay okay are you a gay yeah i'm like it's not a gay dad it's just gay yeah no yeah i don't know maybe you know we'll see so yeah i mean let me get down there first
Guest:I've been in Riverside all my life.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I had been to L.A.
Guest:on certain occasions with my folks.
Guest:But for me, it was like the big going to tackle the beast.
Guest:And it was only an hour drive.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I moved to Los Angeles.
Guest:I started doing extra work.
Guest:I didn't move there.
Guest:And you weren't doing comedy yet.
Guest:I wasn't doing comedy.
Guest:I was 19.
Guest:I didn't move down there yet.
Guest:I would commute back and forth doing extra work.
Guest:Like on what?
Guest:The first extra job I ever got was on an after-school special called The Fourth Man with Peter Billingsley, who was the kid from A Christmas Story, Ralphie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is when his career just was starting to go the other way as an actor.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:because he was like a big child star and had all this acclaim and Vince Vaughn.
Guest:And it was about Peter playing this nerd who fell in love with this hot sort of athletic girl who was played by Nicole Eggert from Baywatch and Charles in Charge.
Guest:And the only reason, the only way she would date him...
Guest:is if he played on a sports team, but he wasn't good at anything because he was a nerd.
Guest:So he joined the track team, but he wasn't fast enough, so he took steroids.
Marc:And here comes the moral.
Guest:Right, and Vince Vaughn played the best friend who was like, I'm going to tell the coach if you don't finish this.
Marc:What's Vince got to be, 19?
Guest:We were all 19, yeah.
Guest:And I was an extra.
Guest:I played the guy in the track team who rolled his eyes when he walked by, like, look at this loser.
Marc:That was your big moment, rolling your eyes?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:And I almost got my sad card that day, and the producer decided not to give it to me.
Guest:But we all met on that and became friends.
Guest:And I just thought Vince, he walked on set.
Guest:Nobody knew who he was.
Guest:He walked on set, and I was like, who's this character?
Guest:He's a little taller than you.
Guest:He's like 6'5".
Guest:And you're what?
Guest:Big guy.
Guest:I'm like 6'2".
Guest:But when he walked on set, he just had this crazy presence about him, and he was snapping jokes, and he was sort of holding court.
Guest:And I was like, who's this guy?
Guest:It just came out of the sky.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was an extra, so we had to sit at the extra table eating our sandwiches.
Guest:And he had his little honey wagon trailer.
Guest:And I had walked past his trailer.
Guest:His door was open.
Guest:And we had exchanged a couple words when we were on set.
Guest:And when I walked by, he gave me the like, what's up, man?
Guest:And I was like, what's up?
Guest:And he's like, come in here and have lunch.
Guest:And I was like, oh, you know, I can't.
Guest:I'm an extra.
Guest:He was an actor.
Guest:It was like, you know, there was that wall.
Marc:But yeah, it wasn't really forbidden.
Guest:No, I just wasn't sure.
Guest:It was my first thing.
Guest:I want to respect the sad stuff.
Guest:So he's like, ah, come on there.
Guest:You'll be fine.
Guest:So I walked in.
Guest:I had lunch with him in his trailer for like an hour.
Guest:We bonded right away on several different things.
Guest:Like what?
Guest:Music, sports, girls.
Guest:He was sort of like the big fish in the little pond in his high school, and I was too.
Guest:I was voted most popular when I was a senior in high school, and I was sort of like the rallier, and so he was sort of the same way.
Guest:He's part Lebanese, so we connected on the Arab tip a little bit.
Marc:He is part of the Lebanese?
Guest:Yeah, his dad is a half Lebanese.
Guest:Huh.
Guest:In fact, in Wedding Crashers, Owen Wilson refers to him as Baba Ghanouj.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:And that's why?
Guest:That's a Lebanese dip, yeah.
Marc:I didn't know it was a Lebanese dip, isn't it?
Marc:Well, it's Arabic, but he just referenced it.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:No, so we ended up, he was taking classes, acting classes with a guy named Cliff Osmond.
Guest:And he said, you should really study, if you really want to be an actor, you should try taking classes with this guy, Cliff Osmond.
Guest:So I did, and I'd go down to LA once a week and take these acting classes.
Guest:And then I eventually moved into Vince's place on Rossmoor with Peter.
Guest:So there was three of us living in a one-bedroom condo on Rossmoor.
Guest:It was like straight out of a sitcom.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:And those were some of the greatest creative moments of times of my starting out as an actor and stuff because we were just so forced to just do whatever it took.
Marc:And you're all jamming around doing auditions.
Guest:Auditions.
Guest:I was waiting tables.
Guest:I was a personal trainer.
Guest:Peter was trying to get his meetings and stuff going.
Guest:Vince was auditioning for a lot of stuff and getting passed on a lot of stuff.
Guest:And then he finally got cast in Rudy where he met Jon Favreau.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then they wrote Swingers together based on that whole scene and time of our lives.
Guest:Were you guys going out to those clubs?
Guest:Yeah, like six nights a week.
Guest:The swing clubs?
Guest:You know, like the Derby.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Guest:You know, all those little dark rooms.
Marc:When that was popular, when the swing dancing came back.
Marc:Right, right.
Guest:And so we did that.
Guest:And then...
Marc:So you were seeing kids, Hollywood kids.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Running around.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You know, they were fun.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I look at it now, it's a different scene now with the techno music and shit like that.
Marc:No, yeah, it was just sort of a weird window.
Marc:It was a hipster scene at that time.
Marc:I remember when that swing shit was around.
Guest:And it was like, you know, but we didn't, our crew, we didn't try to act like we were like...
Guest:We were so kind of goofy and nerdy.
Guest:You were just looking for girls?
Guest:We were, but we weren't like the Hague.
Guest:Did you know how to dance?
Guest:Yeah, it was a decent dance.
Guest:Oh, swing dance?
Guest:No, I wasn't that good at swing dancing.
Guest:How about Vince?
Guest:I don't think he was that good either.
Guest:Favreau?
Guest:Jon Favreau was good because he took classes and stuff.
Yeah.
Guest:But then everybody sort of kind of, that movie really launched a lot of people's careers, even the editor.
Guest:And you were in that, right?
Guest:I had like three lines in the movie.
Marc:Didn't you have long hair and a beard?
Guest:Yeah, it was right around the time I was playing a terrorist, an executive decision.
Guest:And they were filming right around the same time, and Favreau was like, hey, I got this little part in my movie.
Guest:And I was like, oh, I look like a terrorist.
Guest:He's like, oh, who cares?
Guest:Pull your hair back and wear a jacket, you'll be fine.
Guest:and so i walked up just kind of walked through the scene i said a couple words and i ended up in the movie and but everybody pretty much went on to to have a career yeah in that in some way shape or form and when does comedy come in well you know mark i'll tell you when i was when i was when i thought when i hit 25 i for sure was going to have a fucking you know awesome career as an actor i was going to be the brad pitt of egypt or whatever you know
Guest:And then I found myself playing supporting roles in movies as terrorists and cab drivers.
Guest:And then, you know, it was like, I guess it was right around the time...
Guest:It was like, I think it was 97.
Guest:I called my agent at the time and I said, hey, I want to just go out for the character who has brown hair, who's the neighbor.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And she's like, oh yeah, you know, you're not ever going to get those roles because you know your name, you should change your name.
Guest:And I'm like, to what?
Guest:She's like, change it to Rick.
Guest:I go, I don't look like a Rick.
Guest:I look like Habibi or something.
Guest:You know, like a... Change to Habibi.
Guest:I look like Osama.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right now, even.
Guest:And she goes, well, if you don't change your name, you're not going to be considered for that stuff.
Guest:And I said, well, I don't really want to go out for these parts anymore.
Guest:I was making a good living, too.
Marc:What kind of movies were you in?
Guest:Just like, well, I did, I was in Executive Decision.
Guest:I played Terrorist in Steel Sharks.
Guest:I was in Tracy Ullman's Tracy Takes On.
Guest:I was on Roseanne.
Guest:What'd you play on Roseanne?
Guest:Terrorist.
Guest:And in Tracy Ullman's thing?
Guest:I played a sleazy Arab prince who was trying to buy her as a sex slave.
Guest:Remember that show she had, Tracy Takes On?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which never aired, mind you, because they said it was too edgy.
Guest:They want to insult Arabs.
Guest:So I said, well, you know, I think I'm going to take a break.
Guest:She's like, wow, you're doing great.
Guest:You're getting called in for a lot of stuff.
Guest:You're making good money.
Guest:I was like...
Guest:I'm an artist.
Guest:I want to create.
Guest:I want to go outside of this little bubble I'm stuck.
Guest:I painted myself in a corner for fuck's sake.
Guest:And she said, well, what are you going to do?
Guest:And I said, I don't know.
Guest:I'll let you know.
Guest:But if something comes up that's good, call me.
Guest:Otherwise, don't pick up the phone.
Guest:I'd appreciate it.
Guest:And the phone never rang after that.
Guest:And so I ran out of money, became broke again.
Guest:I started sleeping on Vince Vaughn's couch again.
Guest:And I went back to work.
Marc:At that time, did you have a nicer couch?
Guest:Where was he at the time?
Guest:I think it was the same place.
Guest:I was there just temporarily because I ended up getting a job in Pasadena at Twin Palms restaurant working as a waiter.
Guest:I had to go back to waiting tables.
Guest:Then I moved to Pasadena.
Guest:I completely just ejected from Hollywood for a minute.
Guest:It's brutal.
Guest:Went back to waiting tables like four nights a week, making good money.
Guest:Was attending the American Academy of Dramatic Arts because I wanted to go back and get my craft home.
Guest:In place, yeah.
Guest:We were studying Shakespeare, dance and movement, voice, all this stuff, theater history.
Guest:And it was while I was waiting tables is where I sort of, I always thought I could do stand-up because I was a pretty decent storyteller and I wasn't really like a joke joke kind of guy, but I can get little funnies here and there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And as a waiter, I was killing in tips.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because the food wasn't great where we worked, so you had to make it up for service.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I'd sometimes make three, four, 500 bucks a night, where the other waiters were making like a buck 50, and they were like, how are you getting so much tips?
Guest:I'm like, I'm just making my customers laugh.
Yeah.
Guest:And so this one woman came in.
Guest:I'll never forget it.
Guest:This one woman came in probably in her 80s.
Guest:White, bluish hair.
Guest:Looked like a widow.
Guest:Tons of jewelry.
Guest:Looked like she was loaded.
Guest:Old Pasadena, South Pasadena money.
Guest:And sitting on...
Guest:each side of her were all of her sons.
Guest:She had like five sons who were like just gay as Christmas.
Guest:Like screaming, you know.
Guest:But also, but very, you know, ascots and very, but very openly, you know, gay.
Guest:And I was making them laugh all night and she was taking my ring and we were just kind of jibbing and jabbing.
Guest:And
Guest:At the end of the night, she tipped me like two, 300 bucks, and I said, I can't take this, it's too much.
Guest:She said, take it, I'll be insulted.
Guest:I said, thank you, and she goes, I gotta tell you something, we come here all the time, and we don't come here for the food, we come here for the service, you gave us exceptional service, and you're very funny, you should be a comedian.
Guest:And when she said that, it's a big restaurant, there's 500 people, there's a band playing, there's tables burning everywhere.
Guest:And so I just kind of stopped and looked at her.
Guest:It was almost like the sky split open.
Guest:Oh, you know, she kind of had me in this cryptic moment.
Guest:And I go, I go, you think, you know, funny?
Guest:And she goes, of course I do.
Guest:Look at all my sons.
Guest:And they were like, mother, touche mother.
Guest:And then she disappeared about a week later.
Guest:I was driving down Ventura Boulevard, and they used to have, I don't know if you remember it, the LA Cabaret Comedy Club.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I drove, I'd never seen it.
Guest:I just accidentally stumbled upon it, and I love a comedy club.
Guest:I pulled in.
Guest:They had a sign on the window that said Tuesday night, which was that night.
Guest:Open mic, sign up at six, go on at seven.
Guest:Signed up, walked across the street to the coffee shop, pulled out a pen and a napkin.
Guest:I wrote down three or four premises about my family,
Guest:We're back up on stage in front of 40 comedians talking about my family.
Guest:They laughed.
Guest:And I was like, I got this one.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And so 15 years later, I'm still renting.
Guest:So had I known that was going to be my journey, Mark, maybe I would have reconsidered.
Guest:But yeah.
Guest:But yeah, that's kind of how I stumbled into comedy because I just wanted to have more of a voice.
Guest:And I did what comedians do.
Guest:I did seven nights a week.
Guest:I was trying to get up coffee shops, this, that, whatever, open mic.
Guest:I drived all over the place, worked for a beer, worked for a quarter, worked for a dollar, get a hamburger.
Guest:So let's get to the movie.
Guest:Well, funny you should talk about that little tiny project.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It sounds like you brought up your dad being part of it and you filmed in Egypt.
Marc:How did that all come together?
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:It's called Just Like Us.
Guest:It's interesting because Just Like Us sort of spawned from the rubble of Axis of Evil and we dismantled
Guest:Maz and I did a follow-up tour in the Middle East, and there was this discrepancy because we all own a third of the name.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we were, by law, not allowed to use it.
Guest:So there was sort of some in-house arguing about that, so we decided to call our follow-up tour from the guys who brought you Access of Evil.
Guest:I met Maz and friends, and some people weren't happy about that.
Guest:But we did that, but we didn't film it, and it was sort of scattered through the 2008 year.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:2009, another tour was formulated and set up in four different countries.
Guest:And some of the countries was like Tom Papa, Whitney Cummings, Omid Jalili, Maz was there, Eric Griffin, Sebastian, Chet Alexandro is on it.
Guest:And Tommy Davidson, I believe.
Guest:And...
Guest:About four days before we were about to head off for the tour, my business partner in New York said, are you gonna film this tour?
Guest:I said, no.
Guest:He said, why?
Guest:I said, a little moolah, yeah.
Guest:And he said, fuck it, I'll sign a check yesterday.
Guest:You gotta capture this lightning in a bottle.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so I thought he was joking, but the next day there was a considerable amount of money in my bank account, and he said, get it done.
Guest:So I hired two camera guys in like four days, and really guerrilla style type of filmmaking.
Guest:They followed me around the Middle East for a month, and we traveled to Dubai, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Egypt.
Guest:end of the tour in New York.
Guest:The movie's a sort of chronological travelogue in that sequence through my eyes.
Guest:All the comics were showcased beautifully in the movie.
Guest:The crowds were really responsive.
Guest:It's really a celebration of culture and comedy.
Guest:Family, how laughter provides tolerance, understanding, and healing.
Guest:We called it Just Like Us because we wanted to show that Arabs and Muslims on that side of the world laugh just like us over here, despite our cultural and religious differences.
Guest:At American Comedy.
Guest:At American Comedy.
Guest:And you have to remember, these guys are doing jokes like they would do at the comedy club.
Guest:Sure, I know these guys, yeah.
Guest:With the restrictions of a couple topics and sort of taboo topics that they don't want you to bring up, but...
Guest:We premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival last year.
Guest:Got the blessing from De Niro.
Guest:Great turnout.
Guest:That sort of opened us up to go... People liked the movie?
Guest:Yeah, people responded to it really well.
Marc:Now, what did you find, in essence, of what translates?
Marc:I mean, growing up in an Egyptian household...
Marc:And knowing that, you know, it's a generational thing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, was there outside of the audiences you were performing for?
Marc:Is there a sensibility that is innately Arabic in terms of humor that you saw sort of fading?
Marc:I mean, when you grew up with your father, when you when you're around other Egyptians, I mean, what is the style of comedy?
Marc:What was funny before American stand up sort of filled that void?
Guest:Well, okay, first of all, in Egypt, there are approximately 300 million people, and about 70% are under the age of 30.
Guest:And this is the YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Blackberry.
Guest:Right, so they've seen it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Before contemporary American stand-up comedy was introduced in the Middle East, they had comedy, but it was more satire.
Guest:like plays or like guys doing like loud one-man shows, you know, puppet shows.
Guest:It was very sort of broad and not really like a point of view.
Marc:And dealing with probably sort of story things.
Guest:Storytelling.
Guest:Sometimes they get political if there's an underground and stuff.
Guest:But then, you know, you really can criticize the government in the Middle East.
Marc:Because the Egyptian, you know, it's very westernized.
Marc:It has been for years.
Guest:Yeah, well, a lot of the Middle East is.
Guest:And so when you, you know, like, I'll give you an example.
Guest:I've been in the Middle East, and I'll have Arab guys come up to me and be like, hey, bro, do you know Jeff Dunham?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'm like, not personally, but I know, yeah, I know he is.
Guest:Like, man, the guy is so fucking funny, bro.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He has 40 million hits on YouTube, man.
Guest:I watch it all the time in the office.
Guest:Interesting.
Guest:They love that.
Guest:Pablo Francisco, they know.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Russell Peters is huge over there.
Marc:That's pretty broad stuff, too.
Guest:It's broad stuff.
Guest:Sebastian, Whitney.
Guest:Sebastian do well?
Guest:They kill.
Guest:They love him over there.
Guest:Eric Griffin did really well over there.
Guest:But Sebastian's doing his jokes about going to Starbucks and dating girls with a half top.
Marc:So it more speaks to the idea that what many Americans may think are Arabs or Arab-speaking countries and how they picture them is primitive.
Guest:And it is in some cases.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:But the majority is very Western.
Guest:And we were really privileged and blessed to be able to shoot in certain areas where you normally wouldn't be able to shoot.
Guest:I felt like our film was a little peephole into the Middle East that the Western media never shows.
Guest:And it's a breath of fresh air.
Marc:And how did your father steal the movie?
Guest:Well, you know, we go back to my homeland where I was born in Hellowen, where he was raised, and we go into the village, and then we intercut his interviews back in the States.
Guest:And he has a couple jokes that he does up front.
Guest:At one point, he gets choked up.
Guest:You think he's going to start crying, and then he kind of tags the movie in the very end with an awesome soundbite.
Guest:And people are like, when we did test screenings for focus groups, we had people fill out questionnaires.
Guest:We kind of bulletproofed the movie.
Guest:Sure, sure, sure.
Guest:But the audience edited it.
Guest:And we asked, one of the questions was, who is your favorite character?
Guest:And like 98% said to my dad.
Marc:And without spoiling the movie, was it a personal story that he told?
Guest:Yeah, personal stuff.
Guest:And then he does?
Guest:People just loved him.
Guest:He's just a likable guy.
Guest:He thinks he needs an agent now.
Marc:Oh, good.
Guest:Well, there you go.
Guest:He's like, maybe I should get the manager.
Guest:Did you go, are you gay?
Guest:No.
Guest:I should have said that.
Guest:It's a good callback.
Guest:So how can we see this movie, Ahmed?
Guest:Well, the film, we recently, after Tribeca, just to give you a little backstory on how the distribution thing rolled out, we attended and were selected in the 23 international film festivals.
Guest:The response was, across the board, really great.
Guest:We did a deal with My Entertainment through Lionsgate.
Guest:They're going to do a video on demand, so you'll be able to download it digitally or on whatever pay-per-view.
Guest:There's a website, just like us, themovie.com.
Guest:We are premiering the film in New York and L.A.
Guest:on June 6th and June 8th, and it'll be in selected theaters in 10 cities starting out June 10th.
Marc:Well, that's great, man.
Marc:Well, congratulations on that.
Marc:I'm glad that that all came together for you.
Marc:It was great talking to you.
Guest:Oh, man, I appreciate you having me on the show.
Guest:And we've had some good laughs today.
Guest:It was good.
Guest:Different from the comedy store, right?
Guest:Yeah, I got to know you.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Finally, right?
Guest:I know.
Marc:You never knew all this stuff about me.
Marc:No, it's very exciting.
Marc:And good luck with the movie.
Marc:Thanks, brother.
Thank you.
Marc:Okay, that's our show.
Marc:We learned something new.
Marc:New cultural elements.
Marc:I love talking to people that have a unique life experience, but not even one that I would even begin to understand because it's from another country.
Marc:It's great talking to Ahmed Ahmed.
Marc:You can go see Ahmed Ahmed's film, Just Like Us.
Marc:That seems to be opening June 10th.
Marc:in New York City, Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, California, June 17th in Minneapolis, Chicago, San Francisco, June 24th in Dallas, Texas, July 8th in Boston.
Marc:But it's getting out there.
Marc:So that was the movie we talked about.
Marc:It sounds interesting.
Marc:I'm looking forward to seeing that.
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Marc:Attell, Louis C.K., you know the story.
Marc:There are now 24 classic episodes available.
Marc:You can only get them at WTFPodShop.com and at iTunes under WTF Premium or by getting one of the WTF Premium apps.
Marc:where you get full access to all past episodes in a streaming form.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop, as always.
Marc:WTFPod.com.
Marc:Get on the mailing list.
Marc:Get in it.
Marc:Get done.
Marc:I'm saying that to myself.
Marc:I'm done.
Marc:I'm done.
Marc:We're done here.
Marc:Thanks.