Episode 171 - Craig Robinson, Pete Holmes, Ari Shaffir, Jim Earl, Eddie Pepitone

Episode 171 • Released May 1, 2011 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the game!

00:00:01Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Marc:Really?

00:00:08Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:09Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:12Marc:Pow!

00:00:12Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:14Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Marc:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Marc:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:21Marc:All right, let's do this, people.

00:00:25Marc:Live WTF, Los Feliz, at the Steve Allen Theater.

00:00:31Marc:Oh, my God.

00:00:33Marc:Thank you for coming out.

00:00:35Marc:I'm Marc Maron.

00:00:36Marc:This is my show.

00:00:37Marc:Thank you.

00:00:39Marc:We have a great fucking show for you tonight.

00:00:41Marc:We've got Ari Shafir on the show.

00:00:44Marc:Pete Holmes on the show.

00:00:46Marc:Craig Robinson has showed up for the show.

00:00:48Marc:I guess a third time's a charm, huh?

00:00:55Marc:And then, of course, we have Jim Earl with the monthly remembrance.

00:00:58Marc:And then Eddie Pepitone will close things out.

00:01:03Marc:with his Eddie Pepitone thing.

00:01:06Marc:Actually, I just saw Eddie.

00:01:07Marc:I said, what are we doing?

00:01:08Marc:He just looked at me and goes, it's a call to arms.

00:01:14Marc:And I said, what does that mean?

00:01:15Marc:He's like, it's just a call to arms.

00:01:18Marc:I'm thinking Wisconsin, Japan, the Middle East.

00:01:22Marc:All right, just save it.

00:01:23Marc:I said, save it.

00:01:24Marc:There's no reason to go any further.

00:01:26Marc:Thank you for all the wonderful presents.

00:01:28Marc:I do have one WTF shirt to throw out.

00:01:31Oh.

00:01:31Marc:Yeah, that's exciting.

00:01:33Marc:You can buy them out there.

00:01:34Marc:I have one bag of WTF roast, justcoffee.coop.

00:01:43Marc:Oh, did I hurt somebody?

00:01:46Marc:I'm waiting for the lawsuit.

00:01:48Marc:Dude, I just shit my pants because your coffee hit me in the face.

00:01:54Marc:What a lovely night it is.

00:01:55Marc:I've eaten a lot of popcorn.

00:01:56Marc:I have a little bit of cold.

00:01:57Marc:Look at these pretty cat toys.

00:01:59Marc:Look, this is... Susan makes cat toys, and she brought me cat toys for the cats.

00:02:04Marc:They're filled with catnip, so they're gonna get fucked up.

00:02:07Marc:I'm just grateful that there's no cakes and cookies.

00:02:11Marc:I'm trying to be diplomatic about this, but I have to be honest with you, it's getting ridiculous out there on the road.

00:02:17Marc:And as much as I love the nurturing and care that goes into preparing cookies and cakes, your love is making me hate myself.

00:02:29Marc:And I'm not sure that all love doesn't make me do that, but I mean, this particular manifestation of love, because I'm fucking getting fat and I'm not gonna sit here like an Omega Man and talk about my goddamn weight issues.

00:02:47Marc:Because I know a lot of you are like, you ain't fat, dude.

00:02:49Marc:Well, I'm wearing the fat pants, buddy.

00:02:53Marc:I know when I've gotten past the point to where I'm comfortable and I'm pinching my sides.

00:03:02Marc:But I think it might just be a general anxious day.

00:03:04Marc:You know, I can't... I can't seem to work without waiting till the last minute until I'm paralyzed with anxiety, until, like, I have to do it in order... Like, it just comes out in a fucking outburst.

00:03:18Marc:Like, bleh!

00:03:19Marc:Like, you know, preparing me for this show.

00:03:20Marc:I knew I was going to have this live show.

00:03:22Marc:I knew that I'd be talking to you like I am right now.

00:03:24Marc:I could have prepared something maybe yesterday.

00:03:27Marc:LAUGHTER

00:03:29Marc:But instead, I chose not to prepare at all.

00:03:32Marc:And that's what's coming out of my mouth right now.

00:03:34Marc:I wrote a couple of notes, but I'm kind of going by them.

00:03:38Marc:But what stops me, even when I was in college, I never did the paper until the night before, and quite honestly, I wrote shitty fucking papers.

00:03:48Marc:Like, I would stay up all night.

00:03:49Marc:There was always that thing where it's like, well, if you got high when you went to class, you ought to get high to write the paper.

00:03:54Yeah.

00:03:56Marc:That's ridiculous.

00:03:57Marc:My papers were like, it was literally seven pages of opening paragraphs.

00:04:05Marc:I could never figure out how to get a theme or express several ideas in one paper.

00:04:10Marc:It was just a bunch of like, this is about, and then the next paragraph, oh, and this too.

00:04:16Marc:And then the third paragraph is, did I mention this?

00:04:19Marc:And then by the end of the paper, I'm like, so that's it.

00:04:21Marc:A lot of ideas, no closure.

00:04:25Marc:Welcome to my head.

00:04:30Marc:But why can't I create the amount of anxiety necessary to create three days before?

00:04:34Marc:And then, like, you know, have the same kind of fit of, like, I fucking... I don't know.

00:04:37Marc:I don't know why.

00:04:38Marc:And I'm really anxious today.

00:04:39Marc:I don't know if it's because of this show.

00:04:42Marc:I got to go to Wisconsin tomorrow.

00:04:45Marc:I'm nervous about, you know, what Charlie Sheen's going to do this weekend.

00:04:50LAUGHTER

00:04:50Marc:Because I think about, like, I picture myself, you know, in the position he's in, with millions and millions of dollars and completely angry at everything.

00:04:59Marc:Like, I really wonder what that would look like for me.

00:05:02Marc:But I think I would choose to have a crying meltdown.

00:05:05Marc:I think I would like to sell out Radio City and just get on stage and go, I'm sorry.

00:05:12I'm sorry.

00:05:14Guest:I don't know why I made you guys come here.

00:05:16Guest:I don't have anything really prepared.

00:05:20Guest:I was feeling different a week ago.

00:05:24Guest:But now this is where I'm at.

00:05:26Guest:Can someone get me a snack?

00:05:29Guest:Did anyone bring me a cookie?

00:05:30Guest:Because I could use a cookie now.

00:05:33Marc:That's how I would handle it.

00:05:36Marc:So I'm a little anxious.

00:05:37Marc:And this is what I choose to do when I'm anxious.

00:05:40Marc:Because this hasn't happened in a while.

00:05:43Marc:And I'm just going to share with you because I feel comfortable doing that.

00:05:46Marc:Now, I got a haircut recently.

00:05:48Marc:And I thought I was beyond the point of giving a fuck.

00:05:53Marc:about haircuts.

00:05:55Marc:I really thought I'd matured enough to go, it doesn't matter, man, just as long as it's not looking all bozo-jewy.

00:06:01Marc:Because that's what my hair does.

00:06:02Marc:It goes, Jew-bozo.

00:06:03Marc:Like, it stays flat up here, and then, like, wah-peep, you know, like, woo, look at this.

00:06:08Marc:Literally, it's doing my haftora off the side of my head.

00:06:11Marc:And then the top, it's sort of like, we're just hanging out.

00:06:14Marc:Um...

00:06:16Marc:So I got this haircut, and something went wrong today, because I'm feeling a little doughy.

00:06:22Marc:It's fine.

00:06:24Marc:My girlfriend was touching me, and I said, don't fucking do that, because all you're doing is reiterating that I'm a little heavy.

00:06:32Marc:She goes, no, I'm just touching your stomach.

00:06:35Marc:I go, no, you're moving that around.

00:06:39Marc:So that relationship is off to a second healthy start.

00:06:47Marc:But you want to break through.

00:06:48Marc:Like, you know, I'd like to be able to get past that intimacy of like, you know, you're sure you can touch it.

00:06:52Guest:And then just not be like, stop, stop.

00:06:56Marc:Anyway, so what I choose to focus on in these moments of anxiety is I was literally screaming at my hair today.

00:07:08Marc:Now, look, I know I'm being kind of girly about this, all right?

00:07:11Marc:But there's something going on right here, right?

00:07:13Marc:Like, there's a little... Like, everything looks good, but there's this little thing right here?

00:07:17Marc:Is it still there?

00:07:18Marc:Is it just sort of like... Look what's going on over here.

00:07:22Guest:Someone got a shitty haircut.

00:07:24Marc:So, but I didn't, like, I didn't have that humor around it.

00:07:27Marc:Just before the show, I was standing before a relatively full-length mirror going, oh, you're fucking disgusting, fat pants, and fuck that curl!

00:07:35Marc:Fuck that curl!

00:07:36Marc:How the fuck did that happen?

00:07:38Marc:Jesus Christ, why don't you just wear a fucking clown hat, asshole?

00:07:43Marc:and then I touched a sponge, I got mildew fingers.

00:07:48Marc:How the fuck is that impossible to get off?

00:07:50Marc:I don't know what to do with those sponges, but to me, it's so fucking disgusting when that sponge gets that smell, and then you don't realize it until you've cleaned something, and then you're drinking out of something that has that fucking smell, and then you realize, like, I can never get it off my hands.

00:08:05Marc:Now I have to wait till it just wears off, and then I feel shitty about throwing the sponge away.

00:08:10Marc:This is what was going on before the show.

00:08:15Marc:This is where my head was at.

00:08:19Marc:This and going to Wisconsin and be expected to address the turmoil in the streets...

00:08:27Marc:And all I want to do is talk about myself.

00:08:32Marc:All right, enough of this.

00:08:34Marc:I think I've covered everything I need to cover.

00:08:39Marc:I just wanted to make sure you guys had, hi, everything okay up front?

00:08:43Marc:Dude, you all right?

00:08:44Marc:Yeah, are you gonna complain a little bit?

00:08:49Marc:No, you can't come alone and then complain.

00:08:51Marc:I live for you.

00:08:53Marc:I'm not here to share your pain.

00:08:57Marc:would that make sense not really you didn't just say whatever did you there's no more time for this ironic detachment just cry if you need to cry i want to see men crying at my shows stop acting cool i want to see men crying and women looking confused

00:09:25Marc:That's what I want my audiences to look like.

00:09:30Marc:Let's read some emails.

00:09:31Marc:I'm sorry, buddy.

00:09:32Marc:I'm glad you're here.

00:09:32Marc:You want some popcorn?

00:09:33Marc:You good?

00:09:34Marc:No, you don't.

00:09:36Marc:Subject line, fan mail.

00:09:38Marc:How am I not gonna open that?

00:09:41Marc:Mark, your rant about Coke was pathetic.

00:09:44Marc:Coke is evil?

00:09:46Marc:How many jobs has Coke given people around the world?

00:09:49Marc:How much tax revenue has Coke created?

00:09:51Marc:How many billions of people have enjoyed a Coke?

00:09:54Marc:Not sure if you realize that the owners of Coke are actually the shareholders.

00:09:57Marc:This includes people like you and me.

00:10:00Marc:Doubt you understand anything about corporate governance, finance, or economics, which is exactly why you're qualified to speak to those issues, dot, dot, dot, ha.

00:10:11Marc:Sure, Coke is just sugar water, dot, dot, dot, and people can decide if they want to drink it or not.

00:10:16Marc:It's not up to you, all caps, to make that decision or judge people, no matter how smart you think, all caps, you are.

00:10:25Marc:Like a former drug addict, A-T-T-I-C.

00:10:34Marc:And in parentheses, you...

00:10:38Marc:can make decisions for other people better than they can make for themselves.

00:10:41Marc:Where do you get off thinking you know what's best for people that you have never met?

00:10:45Marc:When will people like you realize that they are completely unqualified to speak about any issue regarding politics, the economy, or anything that even remotely involves critical reasoning?

00:10:57Marc:Nobody wants you pushing your bad ideas on them.

00:11:00Marc:So stick to your job, clown.

00:11:05Marc:and make me laugh without interjecting with your ridiculous and thoughtless politics.

00:11:11Marc:True, I listen to your podcast.

00:11:18Marc:But I will never, all caps, support you financially in any way that includes your sponsor.

00:11:25Marc:Keep doing your thang, though.

00:11:28Marc:Best will.

00:11:31Marc:So I wrote back...

00:11:35Marc:Free market world, free country, free speech, love it or leave it.

00:11:40Marc:Lots of evil shit gives a lot of good people jobs.

00:11:44Marc:One can still draw a line and be critical.

00:11:47Marc:You stick to your job writing righteous emails to clowns, cunt.

00:11:57Marc:And learn how to spell drug addict.

00:12:00Marc:Is that where you keep your drugs, addict?

00:12:05Marc:I don't need your money.

00:12:07Marc:Go out and buy a Coke, you angry free market zombie.

00:12:16Marc:There's more.

00:12:17Marc:I was speaking only for myself, and like choosing to drink Coke, you can choose to listen to me or not, you choose to do so.

00:12:23Marc:So thanks for listening.

00:12:25Marc:It's the way it should be.

00:12:28Marc:Marin.

00:12:29Marc:Will writes back.

00:12:31Marc:Ha ha ha ha!

00:12:32Marc:Dot dot dot.

00:12:33Marc:I actually appreciate the response.

00:12:36Marc:Anyway, I'll definitely keep listening because you are a funny dude.

00:12:38Marc:Sorry if my email came out a little harsh, but you definitely got me back.

00:12:42Ha ha ha!

00:12:44Marc:That attic line was nice.

00:12:48Marc:Will.

00:12:51Marc:This made me feel small and stupid, so this should be fun.

00:12:55Marc:Japan.

00:12:57Marc:Really?

00:13:00Marc:Do you have no trust in me whatsoever?

00:13:05Marc:Dear Mark, a quick note to say how calm your podcast kept me while in Japan during the earthquake.

00:13:09Marc:On the flight out of the country, I was listening to your anecdote about the delayed leaking Delta plane.

00:13:17Marc:when the Cathay Pacific captain in that calm pilot voice came on the PA to say in an Australian accent, I'm not doing it.

00:13:24Marc:Good evening, folks.

00:13:25Marc:I hope you're enjoying the flight.

00:13:27Marc:We've just received word a volcano has erupted near Nagasaki, which is altering our flight path.

00:13:32Marc:Those of you who are on the left side of the plane will enjoy quite a show.

00:13:37Marc:It was quite a show, and after the earthquake and tsunami and nuclear power plant disaster, I laughed out loud at the thought of you blurting, are you fucking kidding me?

00:13:47Marc:I think it's safe to say my fellow passengers were thinking the same.

00:13:50Marc:Michael.

00:13:51Marc:Now, I feel stupid about whining about Delta because it didn't take off on time, but I'm glad I helped that guy out.

00:13:57Marc:It's rough over there.

00:13:58Marc:Birds.

00:14:01Marc:I just want to share with you who your other audience members are.

00:14:07Marc:I have 23 lovebirds.

00:14:09Marc:I raise all of them but two.

00:14:14Marc:I have them paired up with males.

00:14:16Marc:What I want to know is why the females that are paired up with the males bite me.

00:14:20Marc:I have a single female that is so sweet and she doesn't bite me.

00:14:24Marc:How can I get them to stop biting me?

00:14:27Marc:I pay attention to all the time.

00:14:28Marc:Thank you, Donna.

00:14:38Marc:I don't know, Donna.

00:14:39Marc:Just stay focused.

00:14:44Marc:Subject line, fuck Greyhound.

00:14:47Marc:Nothing in the email.

00:14:52Marc:It's just, fuck Greyhound sent from my iPhone.

00:15:02Marc:I wanted to read this because it'll provoke conversation perhaps.

00:15:04Marc:Your photography.

00:15:07Marc:Hi Mark, I've probably written a thousand emails to you in my head, all riffing on themes of redemption through self-absorption.

00:15:13Marc:And how awesome and increasingly awesome your podcast gets.

00:15:18Marc:Your Ira Glass episode was maybe a little disappointing somehow, but your Tom Sharply interview knocked it out of the park.

00:15:23Marc:I just wanted more.

00:15:24Marc:Now, of course, like, how passive... Anyways.

00:15:29Marc:Which part was disappointing about the Ira Glass episode?

00:15:34Marc:But what I'm writing to you about is I'm curious about your former photography career.

00:15:38Marc:You've mentioned it a few times on the podcast, but I don't know of anyone who's taken the bait.

00:15:42Marc:So what kind of stuff did you do?

00:15:44Marc:Are you proud, indifferent, or ashamed of it?

00:15:46Marc:Is it locked away, or will you someday display your work, giving your new legion of the fans curious about Marin Minutia?

00:15:53Marc:I hope you stay brilliantly miserable for your own sake.

00:15:56Marc:But a happy Marc Maron would probably be just as interesting.

00:16:00Marc:You sure it wouldn't be disappointing?

00:16:04Marc:All the best, John.

00:16:06Marc:Now, I didn't have a photography career.

00:16:09Marc:I wanted to be a lot of things before I committed to comedy.

00:16:15Marc:I was an English major in college.

00:16:18Marc:I wrote poems.

00:16:21Marc:Now, I'm a cat toy guy.

00:16:23Marc:I thought poetry might be a viable career choice.

00:16:28Marc:But I said, fuck that, comedy's where it's at, you know?

00:16:31Marc:And I did some photography, but I don't know if I've ever really talked about it.

00:16:36Marc:But my masterpiece, I'll tell you where I was at.

00:16:38Marc:I did it in high school, and it may be my first year of college before I realized, holy shit, you gotta know a lot about time and chemicals.

00:16:45Marc:This is too taxing.

00:16:47Marc:That was before you could just take a picture.

00:16:49Marc:But my masterpiece was a series of pictures I did in this plot of land that had just been plowed over.

00:16:56Marc:I set several half-mannequins in the land in different places.

00:17:02Marc:And in the center, I had a ladder

00:17:06Marc:Okay?

00:17:07Marc:Just a ladder.

00:17:08Marc:And then there were the mannequins.

00:17:09Marc:Wide shot.

00:17:11Marc:The series was maybe eight to ten photographs of me entering the frame carrying a plugged-in television set that I walked towards the ladder with.

00:17:22Marc:And then, you know, through the series of photographs, I walked up the ladder, set the TV on top, on.

00:17:32Marc:And then the final photograph was me just gone.

00:17:37Marc:Just a ladder with a TV set on, mannequins in the field.

00:17:45Marc:That's why I didn't pursue a career at the time.

00:17:49Marc:Please welcome my first guest.

00:17:51Marc:He does a regular series at the Improv Lab on, what do you call it?

00:17:56Marc:Storytelling series, right?

00:17:59Marc:This is not happening, it's called.

00:18:00Marc:He's also a frequent guest on the Joe Rogan podcast.

00:18:03Marc:He's also a Jew.

00:18:05Marc:And his name is Ari Shafir.

00:18:14Guest:How should we do it?

00:18:15Guest:Is this too close?

00:18:16Marc:No, it's good.

00:18:16Marc:I'm comfortable with close.

00:18:18Marc:I like watching people work from this close.

00:18:21Marc:Really?

00:18:21Marc:Yeah.

00:18:22Marc:You know, you look good, man, and I've seen you in a lot of different manifestations, and there was an awkward period there.

00:18:27Marc:For a while there, you were tall and had no beard or mustache and more horn-rimmed glasses, and you looked like Woody Allen had been stretched.

00:18:35Guest:Uh-huh.

00:18:36Marc:Did you actually do a joke about that?

00:18:38Guest:No, I never did that.

00:18:39Marc:But you knew that was there.

00:18:41Guest:Yeah.

00:18:41Marc:And then all of a sudden you showed up at the comedy store one day with your head shaved, no glasses, no beard or mustache, wearing a hoodie, and everyone was like, oh, fuck, what happened to Ari?

00:18:52Guest:Yeah.

00:18:52Guest:I wanted to see how many of my jokes relied on my look.

00:18:55Guest:And how many did?

00:18:56Guest:A few.

00:18:57Guest:And they sicken me.

00:19:00Guest:But you know what?

00:19:00Guest:I got new jokes about my new look, and those sicken me too.

00:19:03Guest:So either way.

00:19:04Guest:So you're just sick of your jokes, is what you're saying.

00:19:06Marc:Well, what are we going to do about that?

00:19:08Marc:I can help you evolve out of them.

00:19:09Guest:Oh, really?

00:19:10Guest:Sure.

00:19:10Guest:You want to do that?

00:19:11Guest:I do them for like six months, and I get tired of them.

00:19:14Marc:Now, when you started, like, see, I copped to being a photographer with very brilliant artistic vision that was misunderstood.

00:19:23Marc:Why are you laughing?

00:19:24Why?

00:19:24Marc:You know, it was important at the time.

00:19:29Marc:The TV was on, bro.

00:19:31Marc:The last shot.

00:19:35Marc:Yeah, man.

00:19:37Marc:How clear does it have to be?

00:19:39Marc:Where's the dude?

00:19:40Marc:Dude is gone.

00:19:40Marc:TV's all that's left.

00:19:42Marc:Are we all just half mannequins in the dirt?

00:19:49Marc:Man.

00:19:51Guest:Just the art up in your fucking ass, bro.

00:19:54Marc:Yeah, fucking art up the ass.

00:19:59Guest:Were you having an artist?

00:20:00Guest:No, I wanted to drop out of college and drive a cab in New York and write novels.

00:20:05Guest:Oh, that one.

00:20:06Guest:Because I wrote one short story.

00:20:07Guest:It was horrible.

00:20:09Guest:So I'm like, yeah, I can do this now.

00:20:11Guest:Hemingway and then me.

00:20:12Marc:Isn't that weird that there's all these weird archetypes of how the artist lives?

00:20:16Marc:It's like, yeah, there's only one way to go.

00:20:18Marc:Fuck up the life I have and become a cab driver and then I'll certainly write all night.

00:20:24Marc:Which would never happen.

00:20:25Marc:I would just temp.

00:20:25Guest:I would temp.

00:20:27Guest:That's a clear option for me.

00:20:29Guest:I would never drive a cab around New York City.

00:20:31Guest:I would get lost constantly.

00:20:32Guest:I would just temp.

00:20:35Guest:My typing skills were fine.

00:20:38Guest:I did like 62 words a minute.

00:20:39Guest:I knew Word were perfect.

00:20:41Guest:Quattro Pro and Excel.

00:20:44Guest:at an intermediate level, I could have made a living temping.

00:20:46Guest:That's what I would have fallen into.

00:20:48Guest:But God damn it, I wanted to drive a cab and write a fucking novel.

00:20:51Marc:You should have driven for one night.

00:20:52Marc:It would have loved to have seen that moment.

00:20:53Marc:It's like, I made $4 and there's puke in the back of my car.

00:20:58Marc:You didn't try it at all?

00:20:59Marc:Never.

00:21:00Guest:Did you temp?

00:21:01Guest:Yeah, all the time out here.

00:21:02Guest:Yeah?

00:21:03Guest:Yeah.

00:21:03Guest:I fucking can't imagine it.

00:21:05Guest:it was alright yeah I mean whatever but I mean how marketable skills I don't know but I mean don't you have a general contempt for any company you temp for even if it's for an hour I never had that contempt for like large corporations really I don't understand that with all your hipsters

00:21:20Guest:What do you call me a hipster for?

00:21:22Guest:By the way, that's the opposite of alpha male.

00:21:23Guest:It's emo male.

00:21:24Guest:Emo male.

00:21:25Guest:Is that true?

00:21:26Guest:No, you just make that up.

00:21:27Guest:No, emos.

00:21:28Marc:No, I get that.

00:21:29Marc:I get the joke.

00:21:29Guest:No, I know.

00:21:32Guest:That's what the women who are looking for alpha males, they gravitate away from the emo guys.

00:21:36Guest:Oh, really?

00:21:37Marc:Yeah.

00:21:38Marc:Well, that's what I do.

00:21:39Marc:I'm like, I surprise them with my alpha behavior.

00:21:42Marc:And then I get like, this is me.

00:21:45Marc:And then I cry.

00:21:47Guest:You're the Reese's peanut butter cups of man.

00:21:49Guest:Yeah, that's exactly right.

00:21:53Marc:But, you know, some people don't like peanut butter.

00:21:55Marc:Yeah.

00:21:56Marc:I don't know what that meant.

00:21:59Marc:It just seemed the natural flow of that conversation.

00:22:01Marc:So you didn't try... See, I don't know that I could temp because I don't like to work like that.

00:22:06Marc:And I like having a hierarchy to resent, but as a temp, aren't you the guy that everyone just treats like shit?

00:22:11Guest:Nobody knows your name.

00:22:12Guest:It's fucking perfect.

00:22:14Guest:Yeah.

00:22:14Guest:Get in there, type for a few hours, and just get the fuck out of there.

00:22:17Guest:I'm here for two days.

00:22:18Guest:For some reason, I just saw a Western where you just come into town, you save the town, and then you leave.

00:22:24Guest:Yeah, it was fine.

00:22:26Guest:It was awkward when I had to go to, like, when they had, like, parties for people.

00:22:30Guest:Yeah.

00:22:30Guest:Like, birthday parties.

00:22:31Guest:And they're like, oh, do you, uh...

00:22:35Guest:I guess you don't really need to sign the card.

00:22:38Guest:We're like, yeah, it's fine.

00:22:40Marc:So, okay, so you hang out with Joe.

00:22:42Marc:So are you into ultimate fighting?

00:22:44Guest:I love it.

00:22:45Guest:Do you guys like watching UFC stuff?

00:22:47Guest:Wrong audience.

00:22:49Guest:It's fucking beautiful, you guys.

00:22:51Guest:It's an awesome, beautiful sport.

00:22:53Guest:This is my fucking house.

00:22:56Guest:There's crossover.

00:22:57Guest:There's occasional crossover.

00:22:59Guest:Not one of you, really.

00:23:01Guest:It's the fastest-growing sport in the world.

00:23:02Guest:All right.

00:23:03Guest:Yeah, yeah, for latent homosexuals.

00:23:05Guest:That's so stupid.

00:23:07Guest:That's so dumb.

00:23:11Guest:They don't kiss.

00:23:12Guest:They punch each other in the face.

00:23:13Guest:They just have no shirts on while they're doing it.

00:23:15Guest:In my world, there's no difference.

00:23:16Guest:That's such an easy cop-out.

00:23:18Guest:Every kiss is a punch in the face, baby.

00:23:23Guest:All those UFC guys think I'm gay.

00:23:24Guest:Yeah?

00:23:25Guest:Yeah.

00:23:25Guest:They look at me like, nice cardigan, fruitcake.

00:23:29Guest:And how does that make you feel?

00:23:30Guest:That's all right.

00:23:30Guest:Like a fruitcake?

00:23:31Guest:Sort of, I feel like a gay when I walk around them.

00:23:33Guest:Like, oh, all right, whatever you want me to do, guys.

00:23:36Guest:Yeah, it's awesome, though.

00:23:37Guest:But I go to a lot of them.

00:23:38Guest:What?

00:23:39Guest:I'm sorry, I'm eating.

00:23:39Marc:Do you go?

00:23:41Marc:It's my fault.

00:23:42Guest:You want me to come back to dinner?

00:23:43Marc:Okay, so you go to these fights and they bleed.

00:23:46Marc:Like, I know there was a period in the 50s and 60s where, like, you know, the intelligentsia used to go to fights to feel like real men.

00:23:52Marc:Yeah.

00:23:52Marc:And so what do you do with the fight?

00:23:55Marc:You just sit there and go... I take drugs.

00:23:57Guest:No, I take a lot of drugs.

00:23:58Marc:Get the fuck out of here.

00:23:59Guest:Like what?

00:24:00Guest:Usually I take edibles, just marijuana edibles.

00:24:02Guest:Right.

00:24:02Guest:Because they're like six hours from start to finish.

00:24:05Marc:So you're just sitting there high... Super high.

00:24:07Marc:...watching people beat the shit out of each other.

00:24:08Guest:Yeah.

00:24:09Marc:And that's...

00:24:11Guest:It's super fun.

00:24:12Guest:I took some acid like three weeks ago.

00:24:13Marc:Get the fuck out of here.

00:24:16Marc:You took acid?

00:24:17Guest:Well, there were some.

00:24:18Guest:Joey Diaz was like, you want to do some acid?

00:24:19Guest:I'm like, fuck yeah.

00:24:21Guest:Let's do this.

00:24:21Guest:And all my friends were like, dude, you want to take acid like on the beach away from everyone?

00:24:25Guest:Yeah.

00:24:26Marc:In a fucking crowd?

00:24:27Guest:14,000 people as people are punching each other.

00:24:30Marc:And some sort of blood match in the middle?

00:24:32Guest:Yeah, it was awesome.

00:24:32Marc:So what happened, dude?

00:24:34Marc:Did you cry?

00:24:34Guest:No, I didn't cry at all.

00:24:35Guest:I just saw the beauty and everything.

00:24:37Guest:What's that?

00:24:38Guest:They gave this kid, a 23-year-old kid, a title shot.

00:24:41Guest:I knew they were going to ahead of time.

00:24:43Guest:And then they did.

00:24:43Guest:And it was like, you see him, like, oh, my God.

00:24:46Guest:And that's all he wanted for, like, last years.

00:24:48Guest:Just a shot at a title.

00:24:49Guest:And they gave him one.

00:24:49Guest:He fell to his knees.

00:24:50Guest:And I just started crying.

00:24:52Guest:You did.

00:24:52Guest:Yeah.

00:24:53Guest:I was like, I was fucking seeing this.

00:24:56Guest:This is goddamn beautiful.

00:24:58Guest:Just bawling.

00:24:59Guest:And they play Ozzy over the loudspeaker?

00:25:01Guest:Oh, yeah, dude.

00:25:03Guest:That feels right.

00:25:03Marc:So you were tripping balls.

00:25:06Marc:Yeah.

00:25:06Marc:Yeah, and what about the fight?

00:25:07Marc:Were you, like, when blood sprayed and guys got wobbly, were you like, this is the way God wanted it to?

00:25:13Guest:No, I never thought that.

00:25:14Guest:I did think when they come in, they have this music that plays over the loudspeaker, the entrance music, and all these fans are cheering, and I really thought, like, how is this not like the Coliseum?

00:25:24Guest:Exactly.

00:25:25Guest:How is that a good thing?

00:25:27Guest:I don't know.

00:25:28Guest:I don't want to be in the Coliseum.

00:25:29Guest:Why is everyone associated with the people in the pit at the Coliseum?

00:25:31Guest:You wouldn't be those people.

00:25:32Guest:You'd be the people in the stands.

00:25:34Guest:Are you sure?

00:25:34Guest:Look at this crowd.

00:25:36Guest:Are you sure we wouldn't be those people?

00:25:37Guest:They're not going to be slaves, please.

00:25:38Guest:They wouldn't do anything.

00:25:41Guest:Physical labor?

00:25:42Guest:No, bro.

00:25:43Guest:Nobody in this crowd has ever lifted a box.

00:25:47Marc:That's not true.

00:25:47Marc:This guy's a box lifter.

00:25:49Marc:My male guy's here.

00:25:50Marc:Victor's here.

00:25:51Marc:He works in the post office.

00:25:52Marc:Don't underestimate my crowd.

00:25:54Marc:We're sensitive, but we're fucking rugged.

00:26:00Marc:We're fighting ultimate matches in our minds, man.

00:26:04Marc:Every day is an ultimate fight for my fans.

00:26:07Marc:It's just a quiet ultimate fight that only they know about.

00:26:10Marc:And when people interrupt them, they go, what, what?

00:26:13Guest:I don't want any trouble.

00:26:18Marc:Sorry, I was doing a thing.

00:26:22Guest:There's a lot of glasses in here.

00:26:23Marc:So what happened to the Jewness?

00:26:25Marc:I mean, you come from, like, really Jew.

00:26:27Guest:Orthodox, yeah.

00:26:27Guest:I live in Israel, like you.

00:26:28Marc:I didn't live in Israel.

00:26:29Marc:Oh, you just went there?

00:26:30Marc:I went to Israel for two weeks, and I didn't want to be there that much.

00:26:33Guest:You wrote a book about going to Israel for two weeks?

00:26:35Guest:I wrote a book about going to Israel for two weeks.

00:26:38Guest:That was enough.

00:26:42Guest:I loved it there.

00:26:43Guest:I was Orthodox Jewish.

00:26:44Guest:I was in Yeshiva.

00:26:45Guest:You really were?

00:26:46Guest:Yeah, I studied like 14 hours a day.

00:26:47Guest:Oh, my God.

00:26:48Guest:So you had everything going.

00:26:50Guest:I mean, what happened to it?

00:26:51Guest:Oh, it went away.

00:26:52Guest:I realized one day that I didn't believe in God.

00:26:54Guest:What does that have to do with being Jewish?

00:26:56Guest:Well, I was raised Orthodox, so I couldn't do that stuff anymore.

00:27:00Guest:You couldn't just tone it down to like, I'm a Jew, but I'm not that serious.

00:27:05Guest:It's all or nothing.

00:27:07Guest:You better tell your face.

00:27:09Guest:I told my... Oh, yeah.

00:27:13Guest:Shut up!

00:27:15Guest:I know how chewy I look.

00:27:16Guest:God damn it.

00:27:19Guest:It's horrible.

00:27:19Guest:It's so fucking chewy.

00:27:20Guest:It's all right.

00:27:21Marc:It was so easy.

00:27:22Marc:Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen.

00:27:28Marc:Tell them the name of your podcast.

00:27:30Guest:The Skeptic Tank.

00:27:31Guest:All right.

00:27:32Guest:Pretty fucking witty.

00:27:35Guest:Two reasons.

00:27:36Guest:One, I'm a skeptic.

00:27:38Guest:Two, I love shit.

00:27:40Guest:There you go.

00:27:43Marc:Sounds great.

00:27:44Marc:My next guest is somebody that, honestly, I've completely turned around on this guy.

00:27:52Marc:I've been such a bully to this guy, and he annoyed me so deeply.

00:27:55Marc:And I couldn't help but be mean to him, and I feel bad about it now because he's really fucking funny, and he's a sweet guy, and he was just on Conan.

00:28:05Marc:Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen.

00:28:07Thank you.

00:28:12Marc:Don't make me eat my words.

00:28:16Marc:No, come on.

00:28:17Marc:Come on.

00:28:17Marc:I'm an excitable puppy, right?

00:28:19Marc:I did call you that, but at least I said puppy.

00:28:22Marc:And that was recently I called you that.

00:28:24Marc:That was.

00:28:24Marc:That was the other night we did a show.

00:28:26Marc:I don't know why, but I used to be very hard on you because your enthusiasm and your raw joy just irritates me.

00:28:35Marc:And that, that laugh, because that's really your laugh.

00:28:38Marc:This is just real laugh.

00:28:39Marc:That's real, man.

00:28:40Marc:No, I thrive off of it.

00:28:44Marc:We did last season of John Oliver together, John Oliver's New York stand-up show.

00:28:48Marc:And I had such a great time on stage, because backstage, I was with you, and you were really like, you and Matt McCarthy, who's a good friend of mine, you turned a good friend of mine and be like, fuck this guy.

00:29:00Marc:And he was like, yeah, fuck this guy.

00:29:03Marc:Like, instantly, he was like, why have I been hanging out with this guy?

00:29:07Marc:And, like, it was the two of you, you who I've known for a long time, but not too well, and then a good friend ganging up on me, and I thrive on them.

00:29:15Marc:You do?

00:29:15Marc:Yeah, absolutely.

00:29:17Marc:I want to win you over.

00:29:18Marc:I know, that's amazing.

00:29:19Marc:You're relentless with that.

00:29:20Marc:That's, I mean, like, I feel like that's... And you won.

00:29:24Marc:You won.

00:29:24Marc:Okay, you just won.

00:29:26Guest:I did it!

00:29:28Marc:But it's tentative, so let's not go crazy.

00:29:30Marc:Don't throw my hands up and yell at your audience.

00:29:33Marc:I'm so sorry.

00:29:34Marc:Well, it's that weird unbridled excitement that makes me nervous.

00:29:37Marc:Like there's some part of me that just wants to say, dude, take it easy.

00:29:40Marc:No, I know.

00:29:41Marc:I want to take it easy.

00:29:44Marc:I would like to take it easy.

00:29:45Marc:But that's the thing.

00:29:47Marc:It's just the other night at the show, we were hanging out.

00:29:49Marc:And this is something I complimented you on.

00:29:51Marc:So we're at the show, and we're backstage, kind of like here, where you can't have a conversation without the people on stage hearing you, which is why you heard me laughing earlier.

00:29:58Marc:How can you not hear you laughing?

00:30:00Marc:That's true.

00:30:01Marc:There are people across the street that are like, keep it down, hyena.

00:30:04Marc:So that's happening.

00:30:06Marc:We were at this show, and I hadn't seen you in a while, and I wanted to catch up with you.

00:30:09Marc:And I was like, oh, you know, we could go outside and talk.

00:30:12Marc:And you went, I'm good.

00:30:14Marc:Now, listen, part A, that's kind of mean or whatever.

00:30:20Marc:That seems kind of rude.

00:30:21Marc:But part B, that's beautiful.

00:30:23Marc:That's what I'm trying to tap into because I'm always like, I'd rather fucking die.

00:30:28Marc:But I'm like, yeah, let's go outside.

00:30:31Marc:Let's go outside and have a chat in the rain.

00:30:33Marc:I love you.

00:30:34Marc:Let's do it.

00:30:35Marc:Because I want to please people.

00:30:37Marc:That's my thing.

00:30:38Marc:That's something that I enjoy, listening to the dysfunction of the comedians that come on this show.

00:30:42Marc:I relate to that.

00:30:43Marc:I'm a big fan of the show, and I find that we have that in common.

00:30:46Marc:Yeah, but see, you have a choice, Pete.

00:30:50Marc:You mean the I'm good choice?

00:30:52Marc:No, believe it or not, I have a people pleaser inside of me.

00:30:55Marc:Of course you do.

00:30:56Marc:And you know what I've done to that little fuck?

00:30:58Marc:I've beaten him down.

00:31:03Marc:I'm beating him down to where he goes, no, really, you should just surrender your entire sense of self for this person.

00:31:08Marc:I go, shut the fuck up, little man.

00:31:10Marc:Man, I love it.

00:31:11Marc:Yeah.

00:31:11Marc:You're having Jon Hamm on the show, and he is... When?

00:31:15Marc:Isn't he doing it?

00:31:16Marc:I met him, and I didn't... It took everything I had to maintain my composure.

00:31:21Marc:He'll do it.

00:31:22Marc:He's a sweetheart.

00:31:22Marc:No, no, I know he's going to do it, but I just haven't asked him again yet.

00:31:26Marc:I just turned into some sort of star-struck pussy there.

00:31:29Marc:Why wouldn't you?

00:31:30Marc:I'm just trying to pace out when I text him or email him, because he's Jon Hamm, and I don't want you to... No, forget that he's Jon Hamm.

00:31:36Marc:How can I forget that?

00:31:37Marc:Look at the man's posture.

00:31:38Marc:Feel the grip of his handshake.

00:31:40Marc:He's a treasure.

00:31:42Guest:LAUGHTER

00:31:42Marc:I don't care that you're on Mad Men, one of my favorite shows.

00:31:46Marc:The dead eye contact that this man has, he's a gentleman.

00:31:50Marc:I would fight for him.

00:31:54Marc:As would you, Mark.

00:31:55Marc:That's why you get nervous talking to him.

00:31:56Marc:He'll do it.

00:31:58Marc:What just happened?

00:31:59Marc:I don't know!

00:32:02Marc:You can be on the mic, Ari, if you want.

00:32:04Marc:I think we need to explore your attraction.

00:32:08Marc:What I was going to say was I love the character of Don Draper.

00:32:10Marc:A lot of people in my age group especially love him.

00:32:13Marc:Because when he fires somebody, there's that one scene where he just goes, yeah, he calls his secretary and she fucked up too many times.

00:32:19Marc:She's like, yeah, it's not working out.

00:32:20Marc:And she's like, yeah...

00:32:22Marc:And he's like, it's nothing personal, just get out of here.

00:32:24Marc:Like basically, he said the 1960s version of that, and I was just like, oh my God, he's okay with conflict, he knows his boundaries, and I'm just like, I would keep that secretary forever.

00:32:36Guest:I would be like, I asked for coffee and you brought me WD-40 and a cigarette.

00:32:41Guest:Ah, here's a bonus.

00:32:43Guest:I don't give a shit.

00:32:43Marc:I want them to like me.

00:32:45Marc:So don't you relate to this?

00:32:47Marc:This is the man you beat up in your subconscious.

00:32:50Marc:No, no, of course I do.

00:32:51Marc:And I was just thinking about, you know, Jon Hamm.

00:32:53Marc:Yeah, I know it is.

00:32:54Marc:You took me into the back.

00:32:55Marc:That's right.

00:32:56Marc:And you left me like in War of the Worlds and Tom Hanks had to kill Tim Robbins.

00:33:01Marc:Yeah, that's why I find you irritating.

00:33:03Marc:But I'm coming to terms with that part of myself and with you.

00:33:07Guest:My introduction to you was at Montreal when I was walking with you.

00:33:11Guest:And you went and talked to him for a second.

00:33:12Guest:And I was like, who was that guy?

00:33:13Guest:I was like, Pete Holmes.

00:33:15Guest:He's annoying.

00:33:16Guest:I don't know.

00:33:17Guest:He's just fucking annoying.

00:33:19Guest:And I had no idea who you were.

00:33:20Guest:So I was like, did he do something to you?

00:33:22Guest:Nah, he tries to be nice.

00:33:27Marc:I represent something.

00:33:29Marc:Yeah, you do.

00:33:30Marc:But I want, listen to me, I really, I admire that.

00:33:33Marc:That I'm good.

00:33:35Marc:We were talking about, you did that bit where you were like, if someone, if you say, how was that movie?

00:33:39Marc:And they say, interesting, instead of committing.

00:33:42Marc:I'm an interesting kind of guy.

00:33:43Marc:I'll wait.

00:33:44Marc:I'm not alone.

00:33:45Marc:You might back away from this sentiment, but I'll wait to see if other people like things because I'm a coward.

00:33:50Marc:People are like, yeah, I just saw Sucker Punch.

00:33:52Marc:What'd you think, Pete?

00:33:54Marc:Oh, man, it looked great.

00:33:57Marc:Looked really cool.

00:33:58Marc:What did you think?

00:33:59Marc:And I get into trouble all the time because I mirror them.

00:34:02Marc:Only on stage can I be like, fuck, sucker punch.

00:34:05Marc:That's why I do it.

00:34:06Marc:That's why I like you now.

00:34:07Marc:Right, right, right.

00:34:08Marc:Because there's that truth or whatever.

00:34:11Marc:No, I was like sitting on stage.

00:34:12Marc:I was like the side of the stage in Austin.

00:34:15Marc:And you were doing a bit, and somehow I was able to overcome the sort of like, you know, fucking fingernails running down a blackboard experience that I usually have when you're on stage.

00:34:27Marc:And he's exaggerating!

00:34:30Marc:And I was able just to listen to what you were saying.

00:34:33Marc:And it was, not only was it really fucking funny, but because I thought it was smart and I thought it was funny, then I all of a sudden looked at you on stage and you were like fucking giving your all.

00:34:43Marc:I mean, like you were just all like, you know, do you know what I'm saying?

00:34:46Marc:With this horrendous desperate need to connect.

00:34:50Marc:And I thought like, you know, he's really in it.

00:34:53Marc:And how the fuck can I be critical of that?

00:34:55Marc:And then I moved you right up the list.

00:34:59Marc:Well, I appreciate it.

00:34:59Marc:You know what's funny?

00:35:00Marc:And I'm not saying this just to butter your bread, but I used to follow you.

00:35:04Marc:That's an expression.

00:35:05Guest:That's an awesome expression.

00:35:05Marc:People say that.

00:35:06Marc:People say that.

00:35:08Marc:How do they... You're all... Don't act like one out of every three of you might give that a try tomorrow.

00:35:14Guest:You know, Bill, I'm not just saying this to butter your bread.

00:35:17Marc:They're like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

00:35:19Guest:The last time I heard that was Andrew Dice Clay saying, come a little closer and I'll butter your bread.

00:35:24Guest:Is that how you meant it?

00:35:28Marc:No, that sounds filthy.

00:35:29Marc:He literally responded like, oh, I would never even think that, ever.

00:35:33Marc:How dare you, sir?

00:35:35Marc:No, I used to follow you at the Boston, the horrible Boston comedy club.

00:35:38Marc:Oh, that was a million years ago.

00:35:40Marc:That was like 2004.

00:35:41Marc:Okay.

00:35:41Marc:And...

00:35:44Marc:Was it really?

00:35:46Marc:Yeah, it had to have been.

00:35:47Marc:Because I didn't move there.

00:35:49Marc:Oh, when I was back doing Air America, okay.

00:35:51Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:51Marc:And this is the Kielstein era, where I felt like he was your favorite son and I was trying to get your attention.

00:35:57Marc:But what would happen was, you would go on stage and I would always be hosting, and then I would follow you.

00:36:03Marc:And what would happen was I was trying to ride the wave that you had created, which was this real, like, fucking listen to me.

00:36:10Marc:You know what I mean?

00:36:11Marc:There was this urgency.

00:36:12Marc:And then I would go up, and there was no choice but to, like, ride that wave and continue.

00:36:18Marc:And I loved that feeling.

00:36:18Marc:And I was up there, and I was still doing, like, kind of pithy observational humor.

00:36:22Marc:I'd only been doing comedy a couple years.

00:36:24Marc:But, like, I was doing it with this, like, hey!

00:36:26Marc:You know what I mean?

00:36:28Marc:And like the jokes were like 33% more effective and it was more fun for me and I got this rush.

00:36:33Marc:And then I would always like when you came in, I know normally it's like an insult to be like, I love following this guy, but I love following you because you'd wake them up and I love to follow that sort of energy, kind of mimic him.

00:36:43Marc:So that's something that I'm kind of trying to do.

00:36:45Marc:I did just butter your bread a little bit.

00:36:47Marc:I'll say, now I feel like I invented you.

00:36:53Dad!

00:36:54Guest:We need a buddy cop picture now.

00:36:57Guest:Why aren't we patrolling the projects?

00:36:59Guest:And I'm just like, I don't know.

00:37:00Guest:They're kind of nice.

00:37:03Guest:Don't get out of the car, kid.

00:37:05Guest:Don't get out of the car.

00:37:06Guest:Get back into the car.

00:37:08Guest:God damn it.

00:37:10Marc:Get in the car.

00:37:12Marc:Listen, rookie, you're going to have to figure out how to fucking deal out here in the streets.

00:37:16Marc:What the force?

00:37:19Marc:Don't bag away from a clever joke.

00:37:22Marc:Don't you dare.

00:37:24Marc:People don't like word jokes because you know what happens is you realize a joke happened.

00:37:28Marc:You know what I mean?

00:37:28Marc:When you're like, I didn't even catch it.

00:37:30Marc:With the force, like police force.

00:37:31Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:32Marc:Jesus fuck.

00:37:34Marc:I think it just all happened so quickly, Pete.

00:37:37Marc:Oh, really?

00:37:37Marc:Yeah, I think it didn't register as a joke.

00:37:39Guest:They were in the middle of reacting to something else.

00:37:41Guest:I thought it was a Star Trek reference.

00:37:43Guest:Yeah, I thought Star Wars 2.

00:37:45Marc:You got angry at them for something they're not guilty of.

00:37:47Marc:this happens all the time.

00:37:48Marc:Who were you just talking to about heckling because I'd say... I wouldn't talk to anybody about it.

00:37:51Guest:No, it was a different show.

00:37:52Guest:Oh, okay.

00:37:54Marc:It's like 99% of the time a heckle or the audience is misread by the performer.

00:38:00Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:38:01Marc:So you'll say something and they'll just be like, my uncle does that.

00:38:04Marc:But you hear like, you fucking dick.

00:38:06Marc:Yeah.

00:38:07Marc:And so you're like, shut up, shut up, shut up!

00:38:10Marc:And he's like, why does this man hate me talking about my uncle?

00:38:13Marc:And then it's on him, and now he assumes the role of the heckler that you've put on him, and he'll be like, fuck you!

00:38:21Marc:And he doesn't even realize what's happened.

00:38:23Marc:99% of the time, that's why when I'm heckled, and this is what you were talking about, I'll always just be like, what's going on?

00:38:30Marc:What happened today?

00:38:31Marc:And you'd be surprised that he'll just be like, oh, I was laid off as a sandwich artist, and you know what I mean?

00:38:37Marc:And you just get into it.

00:38:39Marc:And then you have a friend and they add you on Facebook.

00:38:45Marc:This is another issue I have with you.

00:38:48Marc:This constant need to get meta with your own fucking self.

00:38:53Marc:I just said something funny.

00:38:54Marc:Oh, I'm doing it again.

00:39:00Marc:Yes!

00:39:01Marc:Yes!

00:39:02Marc:Cut me to my core!

00:39:05Marc:It's so easy.

00:39:06Marc:No, I know.

00:39:06Marc:It's right there.

00:39:07Marc:Your core is dangling out all over the place.

00:39:08Marc:It's right there.

00:39:09Marc:So what?

00:39:10Marc:Now, you have a girlfriend?

00:39:12Marc:I do have a girlfriend.

00:39:13Guest:Yeah, why?

00:39:14Guest:Why?

00:39:15Marc:Because it's just the way you talk about Jon Hamm got everyone a little interested.

00:39:19Marc:And it's very hard to separate him from Don Draper.

00:39:21Marc:Because there's part of you that you're just like, how you doing?

00:39:24Marc:I'm in a time machine.

00:39:25Marc:Yeah, like when you touch him, you're sort of like, it's the 60s.

00:39:28Marc:Right, right, right.

00:39:29Marc:What are we going to do about this Kennedy thing?

00:39:31Marc:And he does smoke and he drinks and he's awesome.

00:39:33Marc:Well, you don't have to tell the secrets.

00:39:35Marc:Who knows?

00:39:35Marc:No, no, no.

00:39:36Marc:I know.

00:39:37Marc:He loves.

00:39:38Marc:He loves.

00:39:39Marc:Don't speak with Jon Hamm.

00:39:40Marc:No?

00:39:40Marc:I don't know.

00:39:42Marc:Can you edit this out?

00:39:43Marc:I don't want Jon Hamm to be mad at me.

00:39:45Marc:Can you please take this part out?

00:39:47Marc:I don't think we can.

00:39:48Marc:Johnny!

00:39:49Marc:No, I don't think we can take it out.

00:39:50Marc:Johnny!

00:39:51Marc:I just really wanted to see Pete actually have this moment.

00:39:54Marc:That was how quickly I turned.

00:39:56Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:39:57Marc:Now you just tumbled into a fucking pit of panic.

00:40:00Marc:You're falling freely seeing your career and everything go away.

00:40:03Marc:Yeah.

00:40:04Marc:And Jon Hamm standing at the top of the pit going, keep your mouth shut, kid.

00:40:08Ah!

00:40:11Marc:Just picking up the phone.

00:40:12Marc:Hi, Hollywood, it's ham.

00:40:15Marc:There's a kid, yeah.

00:40:16Marc:Fat Val Kilmer, get rid of him.

00:40:19Marc:Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen.

00:40:27Marc:That was spectacular.

00:40:30Marc:Yeah, you guys can stay on mic.

00:40:31Marc:This is what we do here.

00:40:33Marc:Look at them in front of me.

00:40:34Marc:I got cat toys and popcorn and fucking my phone's out.

00:40:36Guest:Dude, I just saw this today.

00:40:38Guest:Cats, when you spray them in the face with water, they go nuts.

00:40:44Marc:I have the people from Cat Fancy Magazine here, and they are going to be writing an article on you.

00:40:49Marc:You want to talk about what else you've done to cats?

00:40:51Marc:Have you given them acid?

00:40:53Marc:Are you the guy that blows pot smoke into a fucking cat's face and sits around and goes, look, I made my cat stupid.

00:41:01Guest:Please don't subscribe that to me.

00:41:02Guest:I've never done that.

00:41:04Guest:What else have you done to cats?

00:41:05Guest:You shit fucking fuck.

00:41:07Guest:I'm allergic.

00:41:08Marc:I'm allergic.

00:41:10Marc:This is actually key because no matter how mean or angry you get whenever I'm watching you or listening to you, in the back of your mind you're kind of like,

00:41:20Marc:He fucking has a cat.

00:41:21Guest:You know what I mean?

00:41:22Guest:Like, it's gentle.

00:41:23Guest:It humanizes you.

00:41:23Marc:I have three cats.

00:41:24Marc:Of course.

00:41:26Marc:Boomer, Mookie, and Lafonso.

00:41:28Marc:Yeah, we know this.

00:41:28Marc:And I love, no matter how angry you get, I picture you rubbing Boomer's belly and being like, we're good boys.

00:41:36Marc:We're good boys.

00:41:37Marc:We're good boys.

00:41:38Marc:My cats are pretty twitchy, so don't...

00:41:41Marc:We have boundaries at my house.

00:41:44Marc:You're probably gonna yell that a lot.

00:41:45Marc:No, I don't yell at the cats, but the stray ones that come around, I have issues with them because, like, I'm out, I walk out to feed Boomer, there's the fucking sicko wild one, and then there's the one with the big face, you know, waiting there, and then there's the brown and white thing that lives under the fucking deck like a troll.

00:42:03Marc:So I've got these three strays where I'm like, this is bullshit.

00:42:07Marc:It's not my job to fucking feed you.

00:42:09Marc:Go find your homes.

00:42:11Marc:And then they all sit there.

00:42:12Marc:And then I feed Boomer and I watch him meet.

00:42:14Marc:And I watch the strays, watch Boomer eat, and I'm like, all right, fuck it.

00:42:18Marc:And I put out bowls for everybody.

00:42:19Marc:But there is that dynamic.

00:42:21Marc:What did you do when you were in Israel?

00:42:24Marc:You go around Jerusalem, they're like mice.

00:42:26Marc:You see fucking weird-eyed cats, one-eared cats.

00:42:30Marc:Well, that's where you celebrate the history of cats.

00:42:33Marc:You say, isn't it amazing?

00:42:34Marc:Cats have been around for centuries.

00:42:36Guest:And here they are at the beginning.

00:42:38Marc:Yeah, exactly.

00:42:39Guest:Do you know why there's so many cats in Israel?

00:42:41Guest:There's dead cats on the side of the road everywhere there.

00:42:42Guest:That's what I'm saying.

00:42:44Guest:They brought them in to kill the rats.

00:42:45Guest:And they did.

00:42:46Guest:And then nothing killed the cats.

00:42:48Marc:Right, right.

00:42:49Marc:Now they're bringing in huge rats to take care of the cats.

00:42:52Guest:It's like, the circle of life.

00:42:53Marc:All right, I don't want to hear sad cat stories.

00:42:56Marc:It's my pleasure to bring on a guest that I think is tremendously funny when he talks, when he sings, when he does just about anything.

00:43:03Marc:He's a regular on The Office, and he's here, and I couldn't be more excited.

00:43:08Marc:Please welcome Craig Robinson to this day.

00:43:20Guest:It's about time.

00:43:24Guest:It's about time.

00:43:25Guest:I got it pretty bad last, when I missed that one show.

00:43:29Guest:You did?

00:43:29Guest:From who?

00:43:30Guest:From like one of your fans.

00:43:37Guest:He tweeted me.

00:43:38Guest:He was like, dude, I thought you were cool.

00:43:41Guest:Why'd you miss?

00:43:43Guest:Why'd you, you know, blow off mirror?

00:43:46Guest:And I didn't hit him back.

00:43:50Marc:I don't know who that guy was, but you made an impact.

00:43:55Guest:Yeah.

00:43:56Marc:Yeah.

00:43:57Guest:Do you tweet a lot, though?

00:43:59Guest:Not a lot.

00:43:59Guest:I have this, like, when I'm drunk or something, maybe in an especially good mood, maybe I'll tweet.

00:44:08Guest:But I still, I just can't, because I'm like, what do you tweet?

00:44:14Guest:You know, eh, I'm driving.

00:44:16Guest:down the 101.

00:44:18Guest:It's crazy.

00:44:19Guest:So I'm always like, I'm trying to think of something clever and it's like, fuck it.

00:44:26Marc:With that, they'd have to really picture you saying it or it would be funny just as a tweet.

00:44:30Marc:I'm driving down the 101.

00:44:32Marc:But then they think like, well, it's Craig Robinson saying it.

00:44:34Marc:And then they go, ah.

00:44:36I don't.

00:44:37Guest:I don't know that that happens.

00:44:39Guest:But it's very... It's interesting.

00:44:44Guest:Like, one, I got really inspired one weekend in February.

00:44:48Guest:And I was drinking.

00:44:50Guest:It was a Super Bowl.

00:44:52Guest:I was at the Super Bowl.

00:44:54Guest:And it was the night before.

00:44:55Guest:It was a big party.

00:44:56Guest:And there was this bear.

00:44:58Guest:And...

00:44:59Guest:and this gigantic bear.

00:45:01Guest:And I was like, oh my God, this bear is crazy.

00:45:05Guest:So I started like tweeting these pictures with me and the bear and like kissing the bear and then somebody else was kissing the bear and I was like, should I take this girl home or do I have goggles on?

00:45:17Guest:And then, you know, people started sending in their jokes and stuff, and then some guy said, is her name Holly Berry?

00:45:23Guest:You know?

00:45:24Guest:So then I was like, okay, yeah, it's Holly Berry.

00:45:27Guest:And then the last picture I tweeted was the bear in the shower, which I had to do.

00:45:35Guest:I had room service, and the guy held the bear in the shower.

00:45:39Guest:I took the picture.

00:45:40Guest:So that was like my best and most favorite tweet.

00:45:43Guest:Everything else is...

00:45:44Guest:Wait, was it a real bear?

00:45:46Guest:No, it's a stuffed bear.

00:45:48Guest:Oh, okay.

00:45:48Guest:All right.

00:45:49Guest:I left that part out.

00:45:50Guest:That's different.

00:45:52Guest:I'm so glad you asked that.

00:45:54Guest:I was picturing that story.

00:45:55Guest:No, it was this gigantic, beautiful stuff.

00:45:59Guest:I ended up flying it home on an airplane with me.

00:46:01Guest:You did?

00:46:02Guest:The bear?

00:46:02Guest:Yeah, I stole the bear.

00:46:04Marc:That's commitment to a tweet run.

00:46:07Guest:I know.

00:46:07Guest:I should take it different places.

00:46:10Guest:I'm at Mr. Craig Robinson, no period.

00:46:13Guest:Okay.

00:46:14Marc:That'll get out there.

00:46:14Marc:So, like, I think the first time I ever saw you was at that Ramada gig.

00:46:21Guest:Oh, my God.

00:46:22Marc:Do you remember?

00:46:22Marc:The Ramada right here on fucking Vermont.

00:46:25Marc:What did I just tell y'all about?

00:46:26Marc:Yeah, we were talking about that backstage.

00:46:27Marc:That place was the worst place in the world.

00:46:29Marc:Like you would go down there and Paul Hughes would run it.

00:46:32Marc:There'd never be anyone there.

00:46:34Marc:And it was the Ramada that was over here on Vermont.

00:46:36Marc:So no one even really fucking stayed there.

00:46:38Marc:Who the hell would stay there?

00:46:39Marc:And you get there and he'd be like, hold on, I'm gonna get an audience.

00:46:43Marc:I'm just gonna go up to the lobby.

00:46:44Marc:I'm like, what the fuck are you gonna pull down here?

00:46:46Marc:And there were people that were probably counting drug money in their room, the people that didn't want to be there.

00:46:51Marc:And I walked in, it was just you, maybe four people, and you were singing for like an hour at the piano.

00:46:56Guest:It was fucking hilarious.

00:46:57Guest:And then you got up, and as I was saying, like I said, took complete...

00:47:02Guest:everything except the complete opposite.

00:47:04Guest:I said it was great because it was a little tiny room and it was just, you just go and you could just spew honesty and just not give a fuck.

00:47:13Guest:And I was in there playing and I was telling the guys that you went up and just, you got it and like we hit a crazy, passionate, like I was playing piano and Mark was like just spitting his poetry and political shit.

00:47:27Guest:It was like, and I was just over there and I was playing.

00:47:31Marc:So it was like, you know, it was the best.

00:47:34Marc:No, I can't, like, I remembered it differently, obviously.

00:47:38Marc:But I, because I just remembered you being hilarious.

00:47:41Marc:And then I remember, like, I remember we played together that one time, but I'd forgotten just how amazing that was, probably because it was just me and you doing it.

00:47:48Guest:I love doing it.

00:47:50Marc:No, I'm sure I was just talking.

00:47:52Marc:No, I don't write poetry anymore.

00:47:54Marc:I do, but I don't share it with anybody.

00:47:56Marc:That's not the kind of thing.

00:47:58Marc:Sometimes I'll write a poetic phrase or two down.

00:48:01Marc:I'm sure if I looked in my notebook.

00:48:04Marc:Here's one right here.

00:48:05Marc:Mushrooms, turkey, burger, cheese, sesame oil.

00:48:10Marc:Thank you.

00:48:12Marc:He's doing mushrooms, turkey oil.

00:48:19Marc:Do you ever write things down?

00:48:20Marc:Of course.

00:48:21Marc:Do you ever look at it and go, what the fuck was I thinking?

00:48:24Guest:I always figure it out, though.

00:48:28Guest:And I always know exactly where I was and what I was doing.

00:48:31Marc:This one just says, templates for possible selves.

00:48:39Guest:Templates for possible.

00:48:42Guest:But wait, is that the way you write S?

00:48:45Marc:Yeah, this one says, my parents are still ill-defined now.

00:48:49Guest:That's all deep shit.

00:48:56Guest:That's what's up.

00:48:57Guest:Thank you for sharing.

00:48:59Guest:I mean, that's straight out the, you know, nobody ever is going to put those words together like that.

00:49:08Marc:The reason I have a hard time accepting things that are out of my control is that they are still happening to me.

00:49:17Guest:That's a t-shirt, if I ever heard one.

00:49:24Guest:Where's your notebook?

00:49:26Guest:Did you bring it?

00:49:26Guest:You know what?

00:49:28Guest:Sometimes I'll text myself.

00:49:32Guest:All these crazy messages.

00:49:34Guest:It probably should be tweets, but I text them.

00:49:37Guest:But it's like then the phone will automatically erase or whatever.

00:49:41Guest:Did you start as a musician?

00:49:43Guest:Yes.

00:49:45Marc:That was the dream?

00:49:47Guest:Yeah.

00:49:47Guest:In college, I was like, I'm going to be a musician.

00:49:49Guest:And I bought a keyboard.

00:49:51Guest:And I was like, yeah, I'm going to do this music.

00:49:53Guest:And I was performing and stuff.

00:49:55Guest:And then comedy just like said, no, we're doing comedy.

00:49:59Guest:Really, it just took over.

00:50:01Guest:I remember people would, like I was a night manager, you know, checking keys and IDs as people.

00:50:08Guest:Where?

00:50:08Guest:Illinois State University.

00:50:10Guest:Oh, you were at the college?

00:50:11Guest:Yeah.

00:50:11Guest:Oh, okay.

00:50:12Guest:And, you know, yeah, I was like night manager and check keys and IDs and then just be, you're there for eight hours all through the night from 10 to 6, whatever.

00:50:20Guest:So I'm just tripping out, just cracking jokes.

00:50:23Guest:And people always, you know, come up and say, uh,

00:50:27Guest:The next day or whatever, oh, I was trying to tell somebody what you were saying.

00:50:31Guest:I realized it was bits I was doing.

00:50:34Guest:If I didn't know I was doing bits, I was just being Craig.

00:50:39Guest:So comedy just took over.

00:50:41Guest:And then the music was not to be denied.

00:50:44Guest:So I ended up merging the two.

00:50:47Guest:And I go around doing comedy clubs and

00:50:51Guest:And say I'm a comedian, but it's also this musician who's playing it in.

00:50:55Guest:I added a band.

00:50:56Guest:I have a nine-piece band called the Nasty Delicious.

00:50:59Guest:So now we go around and rock and make it crazy, and it's the most fun I ever have in my life.

00:51:05Marc:You travel with a nine-piece band?

00:51:07Marc:Yes.

00:51:08Marc:So you start, you open with comedy and then you just do the thing?

00:51:12Marc:No, it's... It's all seamless?

00:51:14Guest:What will happen now is like the band will go up and like rock.

00:51:19Guest:Horns?

00:51:19Guest:What do you got?

00:51:20Guest:I got three horns.

00:51:21Guest:I got two keyboards.

00:51:22Guest:I'm on one of the keyboards.

00:51:24Guest:Bass, drums, guitar.

00:51:25Guest:And so it's usually eight, but sometimes it's not.

00:51:28Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:29Guest:Two drummers sometimes.

00:51:30Guest:Two drummers.

00:51:31Guest:Like a player.

00:51:32Guest:So they'll go out and just kill, kill, kill.

00:51:36Guest:And then they'll introduce me and I'll come out and then just get crazy with it.

00:51:40Guest:And it's like, you know, me doing my act by myself is like, you know, Clark Kent and then with the band is fucking Superman.

00:51:49Marc:I'd really like to see the Zettlers.

00:51:51Marc:It's like, band, get crazy with it.

00:51:55Guest:And then Greg.

00:51:57Guest:Yeah, they're all mad professionals.

00:52:00Guest:They all have their own shows and their own bands, and they all produce music.

00:52:04Guest:So I'm blessed to have them in my life.

00:52:07Marc:Well, that's awesome.

00:52:08Marc:So did you shoot The Office today?

00:52:10Guest:Yes.

00:52:11Marc:What's going on over there?

00:52:12Marc:Good times?

00:52:13Guest:We are an episode away.

00:52:17Guest:Yeah, you sound like you're on a red carpet line to answer those crazy questions.

00:52:22Guest:So, how are you doing today?

00:52:26Guest:I just want you to talk for an hour.

00:52:28Guest:You're like, I'm good.

00:52:30Guest:They just go, the office.

00:52:32Guest:Exactly.

00:52:35Guest:Sorry about your nose.

00:52:35Guest:It's all right.

00:52:37Guest:I'm willing to take the hit for a joke.

00:52:40Guest:But we're on an episode before the finale of this season.

00:52:45Guest:As you know, Steve Carell is just, he's departed from the show.

00:52:52Guest:The bear is fake.

00:52:55Marc:Steve's still alive.

00:52:56Guest:God, I am lost.

00:52:58Guest:And we're figuring it out.

00:53:01Guest:So far, it's so good.

00:53:03Guest:It's kind of like the first episode we did

00:53:06Guest:without him.

00:53:07Guest:Yeah, this is like the first kind of thing we've been doing.

00:53:10Guest:It's still been fun, still been laughs, and it's just, you know, show must go on kind of vibe.

00:53:15Guest:Is it a little sad?

00:53:17Guest:No, it was sad when he, his last day.

00:53:21Guest:It was sad.

00:53:22Guest:You know, people were really getting emotional and, you know,

00:53:25Guest:had this gigantic party at the rap.

00:53:29Guest:They gave him a big gigantic applause, of course.

00:53:32Guest:They had a big party in the warehouse and just kind of made a reel about stuff.

00:53:37Guest:And then they had a special party for him

00:53:41Guest:uh with just like cast and producers and you know and it was just another real and it was just it was really amazing to see you know what what he's done for people you know he's people have houses and and lives because of him yeah so it's uh it's yeah he's definitely honored and uh sorry to see him go well that's that's that's sweet i kept thinking that the parties were going to keep getting more special

00:54:08Guest:Well, there was an after-after party.

00:54:12Marc:Yeah, where it just ends up just him crying in a room.

00:54:19Marc:There's a really, really special party.

00:54:21Marc:It was just Corral, and no one else could go in there.

00:54:27Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:54:30Marc:What do you do every day when you're not working?

00:54:33Marc:Like, I just pictured... I don't know what you do.

00:54:36Guest:You know, the comics life is different.

00:54:41Marc:Like, what do you get up?

00:54:42Marc:What time?

00:54:44Guest:Well, when I'm working, it's... No, when you're not working.

00:54:46Guest:When I'm not working, I'm going to the gym.

00:54:51Guest:Really?

00:54:51Guest:Okay.

00:54:52Guest:I know...

00:54:52Guest:No, no, no.

00:54:54Guest:Really?

00:54:54Guest:Really, Greg?

00:54:56Guest:Really?

00:54:56Guest:You're going to the gym?

00:55:00Guest:I try to get to the gym by 10 a.m.

00:55:02Guest:Okay, that's different.

00:55:03Marc:All right, trying to get to the gym by 10 a.m.

00:55:05Marc:So what time did you get there?

00:55:06Guest:It says 11.

00:55:08Guest:And, you know, I do my little boxing workout, what have you, and then I go get some sushi.

00:55:21Okay.

00:55:21Marc:That's a good pose, Jim.

00:55:22Marc:You still got your sweats on?

00:55:24Guest:You're like, line them up.

00:55:25Guest:I used to do that, but now I'll go shower and get some sushi.

00:55:28Guest:And then, you know, sometimes I'm lucky enough to not have anything planned for the day.

00:55:34Guest:I've been doing that more this year.

00:55:36Guest:Usually my days just get booked, booked, booked, booked, booked.

00:55:39Guest:Whether I'm working or not, it's just meetings or whatever, or people trying to catch up.

00:55:43Guest:It's like, no, I'm taking more control.

00:55:46Guest:It's just like, okay, no, I'm going to just let the day happen and see where I end up.

00:55:52Guest:Instead of, I got to be here.

00:55:54Guest:Because sometimes, you know... Where do you usually end up?

00:55:57Guest:With the...

00:55:59Guest:Where do you usually end up when you wait to see where you end up?

00:56:03Guest:Oh, no, it's not the improv, probably.

00:56:06Marc:Oh, I just thought you meant, like, all right, this day is open.

00:56:09Marc:What's going to happen?

00:56:10Marc:And then, you know, cut to you're in Santa Monica on the pier screaming at fish or something.

00:56:15Guest:That has not happened yet.

00:56:21Guest:But yeah, I mean, that's me.

00:56:24Guest:The possibilities are there.

00:56:25Guest:That could happen, and I'm open to it.

00:56:28Guest:It's a beautiful day.

00:56:30Guest:I've planted the seed.

00:56:32Guest:Yes, indeed, indeed.

00:56:33Marc:Craig Robinson, ladies and gentlemen.

00:56:38Marc:All right, let's thank you guys.

00:56:39Marc:You guys can go back.

00:56:40Marc:Craig Robinson, Pete Holmes, Ari Shafir, thanks for doing it, man.

00:56:48Marc:You guys can hang out.

00:56:49Marc:These last two deserve, they demand a certain type of attention.

00:56:53Marc:That was wonderful.

00:56:55Marc:And there's only two ways to end this show.

00:56:57Marc:Let's bring out the first one.

00:56:58Marc:Please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.

00:57:05Marc:Jim Earl is here.

00:57:08Marc:Okay, you can sit over there.

00:57:10Marc:That's fine.

00:57:11Marc:Jim Earl is here with his monthly remembrance.

00:57:15Marc:Would you like music?

00:57:16Guest:Yeah, could I have the music?

00:57:17Marc:Can we have that music, please?

00:57:22Marc:Is that loud enough?

00:57:24Guest:That's loud enough.

00:57:25Guest:Thank you very much.

00:57:26Marc:This is, as you know, the remembrance.

00:57:27Marc:So these are, you know, delicate.

00:57:29Marc:I'm sorry.

00:57:30Guest:That's okay.

00:57:30Guest:These are obituaries in a way.

00:57:34Okay.

00:57:34Guest:Milton Levine, inventor of the ant farm.

00:57:38Guest:Milton Levine, inventor of the classic ant farm that gave millions of children a sneak peek into the underground lives of insects is now giving millions of ants a sneak peek into his gallbladder.

00:57:52Guest:Levine died after falling asleep underneath a giant magnifying glass.

00:58:10Guest:He was building for the time when giant mutant ants will most certainly attack us from outer space.

00:58:17Guest:When family members discovered his body, they were shocked to find Levine's wallet and Rolex had been stolen by dreaded crack ants.

00:58:27Marc:Yeah, okay.

00:58:28Marc:Crack ants.

00:58:28Guest:Yeah, I know.

00:58:29Guest:Crack ants.

00:58:30Guest:They need to buy crack.

00:58:31Guest:That's right.

00:58:33Guest:So the ants steal the Rolex out.

00:58:35Guest:Yeah, I've heard that.

00:58:38Guest:Levine became fascinated by ants in his childhood and then pledged to someday honor the magnificent creature's 22,000 species and 130 million years of earthly existence by trapping them inside a plastic box with a miniature windmill.

00:58:57Guest:His first ant farms in the 1950s featured a green plastic frame with a whimsical farm scene, including a traveling salesman ant that would end up fucking the farmer's daughter ant.

00:59:14Guest:Is that true?

00:59:15Guest:It's right here in black and white.

00:59:18Guest:I never heard that.

00:59:19Guest:Typed it out myself.

00:59:22Hmm.

00:59:24Guest:Levine's later inventions in the 1960s never quite hit it off as big, like the spawn ant ranch where hippie ants would vie for the affection of a mesmerizing bearded ant with connections to Dennis Wilson.

00:59:50Guest:Living requested his remains be filled with special semi-transparent gel to provide moisture and egg-laying structures.

00:59:58Guest:And then interned in Antietam National Cemetery.

01:00:03Guest:Oh, that's the one that got you, huh?

01:00:06Marc:Got that whole thing.

01:00:09Marc:I was very sad.

01:00:12Guest:It's a tough job.

01:00:13Guest:You know, it's thought-provoking.

01:00:14Guest:Yeah, very.

01:00:15Guest:I learned a lot.

01:00:16Guest:Honest.

01:00:16Guest:Yeah, very honest.

01:00:18Guest:And raw.

01:00:18Guest:Yeah.

01:00:19Guest:I read that New York Times article about you.

01:00:24Guest:It said you were thought-provoking, raw, and honest.

01:00:26Guest:Yeah.

01:00:30Guest:All right, what else you got?

01:00:31Guest:Donald J. Tyson.

01:00:33Guest:Donald J. Tyson.

01:00:35Guest:Chicken choker.

01:00:37Chicken choker.

01:00:37Guest:A man who made eating chicken almost as safe as living under Chernobyl's concrete containment dome was found dead in his home.

01:00:47Guest:His legs grotesquely pulled apart and drooped over his freakishly large breast muscles.

01:00:55Guest:As if someone had made a cruel wish.

01:01:03Guest:The health department discovered his body buried beneath half a foot of fecal waste, which apparently was scheduled to be cleaned out every 18 months.

01:01:15Guest:You know, Mark, as a young boy working on his father's chicken ranch, Tyson knew there was something about poultry that he liked.

01:01:23Guest:But it wasn't until he enrolled at University of Arkansas that he truly embraced his love for cock.

01:01:33Guest:Tyson later recalled he could never get enough cock.

01:01:40Guest:Though he was partial to white cock, Tyson soon grew to crave black cock as well.

01:01:47Guest:And the bigger the cock, the better, he said.

01:01:51Guest:That's the end of the cock joke.

01:01:54Marc:It was good at the beginning, I think.

01:01:56Guest:Yeah.

01:01:58Guest:I like the way we back and forth on it.

01:02:00Marc:Yeah, it was good.

01:02:00Marc:It just kept coming, though, and there was no telling how they would respond.

01:02:04Guest:In 195... In 1952, he married Twyla Womachill, which coincidentally is the sound a chicken makes when you crush its skull with a steel-toed boot.

01:02:22Guest:Twyla Womachill...

01:02:24Guest:Under his leadership, the company's revenue increased to more than $10 billion.

01:02:38Guest:And that's more money than Jesus ever made with his stable of chickens.

01:02:46Guest:Biographers note that Tyson was often compared to fellow arcans in Sam Walton, primarily because both were huge assholes.

01:02:57Guest:Tyson requested employees stomp, kick, and slam his remains against a wall, but not before hanging him by his feet, cutting off his nose, and mockingly playing baseball with his head.

01:03:11Marc:Well, that's very touching.

01:03:13Marc:Jim Earl with the monthly remembrance.

01:03:19Marc:Inspired.

01:03:21Marc:A lot of honesty and rawness in both of them.

01:03:24Marc:It was.

01:03:27Marc:Okay.

01:03:27Marc:Now we come to the end of our show, and there's only one way to end the show, and that's with a call to arms.

01:03:35Marc:Eddie, are you ready for the call to arms?

01:03:36Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen!

01:03:41Marc:Hello?

01:03:42Guest:Hello?

01:03:43Guest:What the fuck?

01:03:48Guest:What the fuck is all this narcissistic drivel?

01:03:53Guest:Constant narcissistic drivel about ourselves.

01:03:59Guest:My fucking haircut.

01:04:02Guest:My fucking this.

01:04:04Guest:My fucking... Yes, I like pudding.

01:04:07Guest:I do like pudding.

01:04:09Guest:I like the sweet taste of it.

01:04:11Guest:I like the way it goes down.

01:04:13Guest:I like the way it comforts me.

01:04:15Guest:But I also...

01:04:18Guest:I also, no, I pause there because my rage, though real, is tempered by an incredible beauty, an incredible beautiful sense of humor.

01:04:34Guest:But fuck that, I put that aside when I talk to the WTF audience.

01:04:39Guest:What the fuck is going on?

01:04:40Guest:We are living in an inverted totalitarianism.

01:04:44Guest:What's that, Eddie?

01:04:46Guest:I'm too busy watching UFC!

01:04:51Guest:Ari Shaffir, UFC!

01:04:53Guest:Why don't you just cut yourself open and roll around in blood?

01:04:58Guest:No, no, we're in the Great Depression, yet nobody fucking talks about it, particularly comics!

01:05:07Guest:I swear to God, I don't hear many comics getting out there and going, folks, we're fucking dying.

01:05:15Guest:Now, I know that's not great fodder for a comedy club.

01:05:19Guest:No, I mean, you come out with the wife, you know, you barely scrape together enough money to come to a club to Chuckles and Fuck Nuts, Missouri.

01:05:30Guest:No, wherever these clubs are, Fuck Nuts, Missouri, wherever it is,

01:05:34Guest:Where the real people are.

01:05:36Guest:The people that I care about in fuck nuts.

01:05:42Guest:They get, you know, it's hard.

01:05:43Guest:A comic, you know, I think about that.

01:05:45Guest:Do I go on stage and go, folks, you are fucking dying.

01:05:51Guest:I don't know if that's the way they want to start the evening.

01:05:53Guest:What's the second line?

01:05:57Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

01:05:58Guest:The second line is, I'll talk about my dick because that's what they like.

01:06:04Guest:Folks, is it me or our dicks funny?

01:06:09Guest:That's what people want to hear.

01:06:11Guest:No, you go to comedy clubs and people want to hear, oh, tell me about your fucking dick.

01:06:17Guest:Tell me about your dating life.

01:06:19Guest:Tell me about Jersey Shore.

01:06:22Guest:By the way, the distractions.

01:06:24Guest:The distractions that we all engage in are so fucked up.

01:06:28Guest:Also, also, by the way, these are just catchphrases I'm throwing out, and later I will have them all tied together when I'm off the show.

01:06:40Guest:Can we fucking just unite against... I opened a set the other day in New York.

01:06:46Guest:I said, hello, corporate whores.

01:06:47Guest:I had a rough set.

01:06:50Guest:I had a rough set.

01:06:51Guest:Where was that?

01:06:53Guest:It was a place called the Laugh Lounge on Essex and Houston.

01:06:56Guest:You would think they would be sympathetic to that at Essex and Houston.

01:07:01Guest:A very Lower East Side area, you know.

01:07:04Guest:But they were like, oh, don't call us corporate whores.

01:07:07Guest:Oh, really?

01:07:08Guest:You're fucking corporate whores, you cocksuckers.

01:07:11Guest:And now let me tell you about dating, if that's what you want.

01:07:19Guest:But look, we have to fucking kick the corporate rulers in the fucking teeth.

01:07:26Guest:How do we do that?

01:07:28Guest:What do you mean, how do we do that?

01:07:29Guest:I mean, what?

01:07:31Guest:What?

01:07:32Guest:Yeah.

01:07:32Guest:We fucking go out there and we take over buildings.

01:07:35Guest:Okay.

01:07:36Guest:That's the first thing.

01:07:37Guest:What building?

01:07:38Guest:I would start with bakeries.

01:07:41Guest:No, I would start with bakeries.

01:07:43Guest:I would start with bakery.

01:07:45Guest:Just to load up?

01:07:47Guest:I would load up because demonstrating and taking over power.

01:07:52Guest:You need sugar.

01:07:53Guest:You need bread.

01:07:54Guest:This is not going to do anything for you.

01:07:56Guest:No, you can't have popcorn to take over.

01:07:58Guest:Why don't you just eat sand during the podcast?

01:08:00Guest:What the fuck is that?

01:08:01Guest:Anyway, can we please... All right, so we got our baked goods.

01:08:05Marc:Now we...

01:08:06Guest:Banks.

01:08:08Guest:Do you know Wells Fargo is building prisons?

01:08:12Guest:Yeah.

01:08:13Guest:You do?

01:08:14Guest:I think so.

01:08:15Guest:No, I just made that up.

01:08:16Guest:But they... It sounds good, though.

01:08:24Guest:It sounded so good I thought I had read it.

01:08:27Guest:I know!

01:08:29Guest:You see, I think I could be a demagogue.

01:08:32Guest:Like a wacky kind of demagogue.

01:08:34Guest:Like a demagogue that would be kind of harmless.

01:08:37Guest:I'd be like, listen!

01:08:38Guest:And then I would be like, just kidding.

01:08:41Guest:Yeah.

01:08:43Marc:You know what I mean?

01:08:43Marc:What would you see your followers doing?

01:08:46Guest:I would see them... We're with Eddie!

01:08:48Guest:We know where we're going.

01:08:50Guest:That kind of thing.

01:08:51Guest:That kind of thing.

01:08:52Guest:But no, seriously, I truly want to tell people something.

01:08:58Guest:I just don't know...

01:09:00Guest:No, I do.

01:09:01Guest:I get so mad, Mark, at all these reality shows.

01:09:05Guest:Let me sit down for a second.

01:09:06Guest:I get so mad at all the reality shows.

01:09:09Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:10Guest:And just, like, all this shit.

01:09:12Guest:The Kardashians?

01:09:14Guest:What the fuck is that?

01:09:15Guest:I know, I know.

01:09:16Guest:The Kardashians?

01:09:18Guest:Can people just read, like, did the New York Times give you a good review?

01:09:22Guest:I hate those.

01:09:23Guest:Did they?

01:09:24Guest:I hate the New York Times.

01:09:25Guest:The New York Times.

01:09:27Guest:Okay, what if I said, yeah, I thought it was a pretty good article on me.

01:09:30Guest:I'm sure it was.

01:09:31Guest:But they're the biggest pieces of shit, the New York Times.

01:09:38Guest:Because they come off as quote-unquote liberal, but they're just corporate fucking suck-offs.

01:09:44Guest:You know what I mean?

01:09:45Guest:Because they have some kind of credibility behind their fucking name, but they're behind all the wars.

01:09:50Guest:They're behind the permanent war economy.

01:09:52Guest:We live in a fucking police state.

01:09:54Guest:We have

01:09:54Guest:Blackwater running around, which now they're known as XE.

01:09:57Guest:We have all this shit.

01:09:58Guest:People are dying.

01:10:00Guest:Joe Stack flew a fucking plane into a building.

01:10:03Guest:People are gonna be doing that regularly.

01:10:05Guest:You know, you're just gonna be walking out on Wilshire Boulevard and planes are just gonna be fucking flying.

01:10:10Guest:Everybody's gonna get a little plane soon.

01:10:14Guest:Do you know what I mean?

01:10:15Guest:Absolutely.

01:10:17Guest:All right, they may not get a little plane, but people are going to be running around.

01:10:21Guest:No, I realize that everybody getting a little plane is nuts.

01:10:26Guest:Because I don't want people to think I'm nuts.

01:10:31Guest:All right, I was just trying to be funny there.

01:10:33Guest:That was a funny visual.

01:10:35Guest:If you're walking across Wilshire, ah, plane!

01:10:38Guest:So what are they really going to do?

01:10:39Guest:What they're really gonna do is everyone's gonna get a kitchen knife.

01:10:43Guest:Okay.

01:10:43Guest:I really think that'll be the case because people can get their hands on it.

01:10:47Guest:I could get one today.

01:10:48Guest:I also can.

01:10:50Guest:And what are they gonna do?

01:10:53Guest:No!

01:10:53Guest:People are gonna be running around going, motherfucker!

01:10:56Guest:You know, there's no jobs.

01:10:58Guest:There's no fucking money anymore.

01:11:00Guest:And all you hipsters out here now, eventually... You know, my father, who was wiring me money until recently, his...

01:11:11Guest:No, I make fun of hipsters for getting money wired to them and then crying about Elliott Smith.

01:11:18Marc:Yeah.

01:11:18Marc:This is, I think, this is the line you walk on.

01:11:21Marc:This is the tight wire that is Eddie Peppertone.

01:11:24Marc:This is all bad over here, but I kind of like it on this side.

01:11:28Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:11:30Guest:When I think about that, it takes the steam out of myself.

01:11:34Guest:Eddie Peppertone, ladies and gentlemen.

01:11:36Thank you.

01:11:37Marc:Thank you.

01:11:38Marc:That was lovely.

01:11:40Marc:That's our show.

01:11:41Marc:Kick up the music.

01:11:42Marc:Live WTF.

01:11:45Marc:from the Steve Allen Theater, our new venue, and I like this venue.

01:11:49Marc:I'm so happy you guys came.

01:11:54Marc:I'm not even going to plug anything.

01:11:55Marc:I'm just going to keep it going for Eddie Pepitone, Jim Earl, Greg Robinson, Ari Shapir, Pete Holmes.

01:12:03Marc:Thank you for the cat toys from Cat Fancy Magazine, and Susan for the handmade cat toys.

01:12:10Marc:Good night.

01:12:17Thank you.