Episode 170 - Andy Dick
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Marc Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:Adios, what the fuck Australians?
Marc:Hello, what the fucking ucks?
Marc:That's right.
Marc:If you're listening to this on Thursday, the what would it be?
Marc:The 28th.
Marc:I will be in Calgary at the laugh shop.
Marc:I don't even know where Calgary is.
Marc:I know it's cold.
Marc:I got three days of downtime here.
Marc:I got off the plane from Australia on Monday morning and I left Australia on Monday morning about two hours later than I landed.
Marc:Get it?
Marc:I don't.
Marc:Something happened.
Marc:I crossed a line.
Marc:I followed the sun.
Marc:I got a day back that apparently I lost.
Marc:So whatever I saw that you guys didn't in the future, it has now been erased.
Marc:I have no recollection of that day that I had ahead of you.
Marc:And today on the show, Andy Dick will be in here in the garage.
Marc:The lovely Andy Dick, who's having a bit of success with his own podcast there.
Marc:I what can I tell you?
Marc:I'm a little bit exhausted.
Marc:I was on a plane for 15 hours, 14 hours, got up three hours before that to get to the airport.
Marc:Could not sleep on the plane because I left like what?
Marc:Ten in the morning in Australia.
Marc:The wrong time to fly back because there was no way I was going to fucking sleep.
Marc:I watched nine movies.
Marc:I read a part of the Keith Richards book, which I'm reading like the Bible, very slowly, and I'm taking every bit of it in.
Marc:It is so fucking great.
Marc:I don't want to finish it.
Marc:It's so rare that you read about one of your heroes and they become larger in your mind.
Marc:How is that possible?
Marc:Man, did we misjudge that guy.
Marc:What a great book.
Marc:That's the way it was supposed to be.
Marc:That was the template set for contemporary rock and roll living.
Marc:I tell you one thing, it's great to have full use of my BlackBerry again.
Marc:It's great to hear all those sounds again.
Marc:I was on a limited access over there in Australia because I think if I made a call, it costs $200 in future money.
Marc:So I don't know.
Marc:It was complicated.
Marc:If I text, it was $90.
Marc:I got a bad plan.
Marc:But now I have to be honest with you.
Marc:I was there for two weeks.
Marc:By the last three or four days, I was feeling completely isolated.
Marc:I could not.
Marc:I was getting on the Internet maybe once or twice talking to the girl.
Marc:doing that business, doing some Skyping.
Marc:But during the day, my friend, my phone, was not able to sing to me, to yell at me, to pick it up.
Marc:I couldn't tweet from my phone.
Marc:Do you know how lonely that is to not be able to tweet from your phone or compulsively check your Twitter?
Marc:And you know what I found in that limited access without the BlackBerry connection, without that extension of my mind and heart and neediness was that I'm still a little lonely and sad inside.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:That's why I had to get on the phone.
Marc:Boy, I was abandoned out there.
Marc:Let's get to the important stuff.
Marc:Arriving back, I thought my cat could talk, but I'd been up for 36 hours.
Marc:What else?
Marc:I'd forgotten what it was like to have that hallucinatory state of not sleeping for almost two days.
Marc:If you've ever done any drugs in your life, when that happens, you feel like you're back there again.
Marc:But I knew I wasn't.
Marc:So I was a little tweaky.
Marc:Woke up this morning.
Marc:Oh, this is interesting.
Marc:I want to bring I want to talk about this.
Marc:I was waiting on the customs line to come back into Los Angeles.
Marc:A man on the plane.
Marc:I saw him.
Marc:He was sitting behind me at three daughters and his wife was in front of me online to go through customs on his luggage.
Marc:He had what appeared to be a taxidermied set on.
Marc:of goat testicles or perhaps lamb testicles.
Marc:They looked like that animal.
Marc:I'm assuming it's not his dead dog's balls that he just wanted to keep hold of.
Marc:I don't know who would put balls on luggage, but I guess on some level it's an easy way to identify your luggage.
Marc:Is that ours?
Marc:Yes, honey.
Marc:The balls are on them.
Marc:I don't know if they're good luck.
Marc:It was like a rabbit's foot, but they were balls.
Marc:Who the fuck does that?
Marc:Who carries around some other animal's balls with them?
Marc:And then by complete coincidence,
Marc:I'm driving down Eagle Rock Boulevard.
Marc:I see a blue a blue Chevy truck next to me had the fancy rims.
Marc:It was low to the ground pumping the hydraulic.
Marc:So it was going up and down, which means a couple of things.
Marc:It's it's sort of what I call the it was a Latino based car, obviously, and it was doing the low rider meeting ritual.
Marc:But I was obviously wasn't for me, but there was a lot of pumping up and down.
Marc:And it was a glittery blue paint, beautiful rims on the back.
Marc:What black windshield?
Marc:It had a Lakers emblem.
Marc:And then as I pulled around behind it, I started following the car there dangling from the trailer hitch.
Marc:a blue scrotum.
Marc:Now, I'm assuming this isn't a real scrotum.
Marc:I don't think he went out and killed a giant smurf or something, but he went out of his way to have the facsimile of balls hanging off his trailer hitch.
Marc:So in two days...
Marc:I saw two sets of balls dangling from places they should not be.
Marc:Is that impressive in any way?
Marc:Who responds to that?
Marc:I don't understand the luggage thing.
Marc:That was just weird to have the small set of real balls.
Marc:But then the fake balls behind the truck, I mean, do women look at that and go, wow, look at that.
Marc:That whole truck's a cock.
Marc:But if that was true, the perspective is off.
Marc:He'd have to have an actual trailer hitched to the truck with balls on him.
Marc:The first one was just upsetting, unless he honestly killed the animal that he took those balls off of.
Marc:The second one just seemed unnecessary.
Marc:It was just a gratuitous display of blue balls.
Marc:Maybe that's what he was experiencing.
Marc:Maybe that's what it is.
Marc:He could just never be satisfied.
Marc:Maybe that's what it is.
Marc:Is that possible?
Marc:Is it possible that he would put blue balls on the back of his blue truck because he just is sexually frustrated?
Marc:Because then I have a little more respect for him.
Marc:But I think it was more of a macho thing.
Marc:I guess we all have our own version of strutting around with our balls out.
Marc:But it's usually subtle and it's not real.
Marc:I guess I'm cocky.
Marc:That's sort of the same thing.
Marc:I guess what I'm asking is should I get a small set of balls to hang from my computer bag?
Marc:Would that have any resonance at all?
Marc:Balls in my computer bag?
Marc:Would it?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Then I'm doing it.
Marc:Okay, that would impress you.
Marc:Here's another thing that I wanted to talk about.
Marc:Customer service.
Marc:Not dead.
Marc:I don't know if you're like me, but I've gone through several Sonicare toothbrushes because the chargers break.
Marc:I travel a lot, and I buy them at Costco.
Marc:So I buy two full sets.
Marc:They come in one box.
Marc:And I...
Marc:I had an old one and I didn't have the first toothbrush.
Marc:And then this charger broke.
Marc:So I didn't even think to call to get a charger.
Marc:I thought everything's garbage.
Marc:Just move on.
Marc:Go buy some more Sonicares.
Marc:You might as well have six of them, right?
Marc:Well, the charger broke on this one too.
Marc:I don't know if Australia fucked with its head or what.
Marc:Just couldn't handle the, you know, it was in Australia and it got overloaded.
Marc:Couldn't handle the, be back in the States again.
Marc:But it broke.
Marc:And I said, fuck it.
Marc:I just bought this.
Marc:I'm calling Sonicare.
Marc:And after being on the phone, exchanging a couple serial numbers, they're like, where can we send you a new charger and a new toothbrush?
Marc:And I said, I'll tell you where.
Marc:This is the best day of my life.
Marc:I thought I was speaking to someone in this country.
Marc:I was speaking to a company that give a shit about their customer service.
Marc:And now they're sending me another Sonicare that I'm going to put balls on.
Marc:That wouldn't be right.
Marc:You can't put balls on a toothbrush because that has a completely other... Doesn't it have a different implication?
Marc:That would just be weird, right?
Marc:To have a set of balls on your toothbrush?
Marc:It would be weird for me because I think that would imply something.
Marc:It doesn't have the same mystery of goat's balls on a piece of luggage or a blue scrotal sack dangling from a trailer hitch.
Marc:I think that if a woman came into my bathroom and saw a small set of balls hanging from my Sonicare...
Marc:there would be a long conversation.
Marc:Am I wrong?
Marc:Boy, this was a dirty one, wasn't it?
Marc:Happy to be back in the States, clearly a little tweak still, but I did have to share the ball's experience.
Marc:Loud and juicy.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:Is that good?
Marc:Is that you?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Can you hear yourself well?
Marc:Yeah, I like it.
Marc:Andy Dick just came to my house and he's done some dishes.
Marc:He took a phone call in the bathroom.
Marc:I didn't know if we were ever going to get out here.
Marc:He's made some commentary on an outdoor fireplace that I'm afraid to use.
Marc:I'll buy it off you.
Marc:But I mean, what is his fascination with fires?
Marc:You just like having fires?
Guest:I am a pyromaniac, an official diagnosed.
Guest:Well, nobody is actually.
Guest:I've diagnosed myself, diagnosed pyromaniac.
Guest:As a child, I lit whole fields on fire.
Guest:I lit.
Guest:I would burn everything and anything.
Guest:I used gasoline.
Guest:One time I got a syringe fire.
Guest:from school, one of those big ones, filled it with gasoline.
Guest:You made a flamethrower?
Guest:It was a flamethrower, and I lit my brother's leg on fire.
Guest:He had horrible third degree burns, or whatever degree is the worst.
Guest:Let's just say I was very sexual, all the way from as far as I can remember.
Guest:To today.
Guest:To this moment.
Guest:To right now.
Guest:No, but seriously, I remember in first grade, I remember bending over all of the neighborhood kids, girls and guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This was just a fun thing.
Guest:It wasn't so much sexual as curiosity.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Having them drop trowel.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And bend over the picnic bench.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then there's like four or five of them.
Guest:And I was playing butt bongos on their bare butts.
Guest:Well, that's sort of fun.
Guest:That was fun.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:But I remember my mom on the back kitchen window just tapping it.
Guest:She was literally just going...
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Tapping.
Guest:I look up and she just is wagging her finger.
Guest:That's a no-no.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:Wait till you're a grown man to do that.
Guest:But let me tell you something.
Guest:I had a babysitter.
Guest:Yeah, I had one of them too.
Guest:What did yours do?
Guest:Well, I had a girl babysitter that I...
Marc:Do you have a babysitter fetish?
Marc:No, I have a couple of sexually inappropriate babysitter stories.
Guest:Good, I wanna hear one.
Guest:You tell me yours first.
Guest:I have a doctor fetish.
Guest:I don't care, when I go to the doctor, if they wanna check my testicles, if they wanna do that turn and cough situation.
Guest:What about the prostate?
Guest:I don't like that.
Guest:I don't like things in my butt.
Guest:But if they, I always feel like, I don't care if they're young or old, guy or gal, if they want to feel my nuts and make me turn it off, I start getting a boner.
Guest:I don't care if it's a haggard old man in a wheelchair.
Guest:If he's feeling my nuts, I just start getting turned off.
Guest:So strange.
Guest:How often do you go to the doctor then?
Guest:I don't do it for that reason.
Guest:I'm embarrassed.
Guest:I get a boner and then I get embarrassed.
Guest:I just don't want, I don't do it.
Guest:I say, no, my nuts are fine, doc.
Guest:What do they usually say?
Guest:That happens sometimes.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Well, sometimes the doctors are getting into it.
Guest:No, stop it.
Guest:No, I swear to God.
Guest:I've had a couple where it's- Where they're like, look at that.
Guest:It's feeling molesty and I get uncomfortable.
Guest:But let me go back to my babysitter because my babysitter- I like the butt bongos too.
Marc:I think that's something you should revisit as a grown man.
Marc:Maybe you should add that into the repertoire.
Guest:I'll do it.
Guest:I'll do it.
Guest:I'll do it.
Guest:But I had a male.
Guest:Well, first of all, female babysitters.
Guest:I would watch them fuck.
Guest:They'd bring their boyfriends over and I would just watch them fuck.
Guest:More than one?
Guest:Yeah, a bunch.
Guest:But there was a male babysitter.
Guest:Wait, did they know you were watching?
Guest:No.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And there was a male babysitter that I found attractive.
Guest:I found attractive.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And I remember as a child, I came up to his chest.
Guest:I was like a kid.
Guest:But I remember him going to the bathroom.
Guest:He must have been like 20 or something.
Guest:And I remember trying to pull his pants down just to look at his butt.
Marc:Yeah, really?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I was like very sexual.
Marc:That's maybe natural curiosity.
Marc:I had a babysitter that once, when me and my brother, she was like, picked up this huge book.
Marc:and laid on the bed and said, I don't feel anything when I read.
Marc:So me and my brother undressed her.
Marc:We pulled her pants down and looked at her vagina.
Marc:We had no idea what to do with it, but we looked at it, and I think we had a pachinko machine.
Marc:You know the pachinko machine?
Marc:Yes, I remember those.
Marc:Yeah, I think we dropped pachinko machine balls into her, not into her vagina, but onto it.
Guest:If people don't know, it's kind of a- Japanese pinball machine.
Guest:Japanese pinball machine that stands upright.
Guest:With little balls.
Guest:Little tiny silver balls.
Guest:Ball bearings.
Guest:So we just had those weighing around.
Marc:About the size of a dime.
Marc:Right, and we just kind of dropped them into her bush.
Marc:Thought that was the best we could do.
Marc:You got a picanto machine.
Marc:Then another one I remember showed us her boobs, and there was a lot of that going on.
Guest:Yeah, there was a lot of stripping.
Guest:I did a lot of streaking.
Guest:I did a lot of streaking and a lot of shitting.
Marc:I knew a guy in high school, you kind of remind me of that, in junior high, his name was Caleb, and he would show his cock to anybody.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You would do that?
Guest:You were that kind of guy?
Guest:I was always trying to get all my friends to go streaking with me.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And one time...
Guest:i'm out there in the middle of the night it's actually turning into early morning and we're all streaking yeah we're going from how just running through the neighborhood this is in pennsylvania in monroeville pennsylvania running through the streets naked where's that in the state it's near pittsburgh running like an hour away running through the streets the sun's coming up and i swear to god i see my dad walking our dog on a
Guest:And how many naked men are running?
Guest:I think it's me and like two other guys.
Guest:No girls, no girls.
Guest:But he didn't see me.
Guest:How many siblings do you have?
Guest:Can I tell you a story?
Guest:How many what?
Guest:Siblings.
Guest:One other brother, his name is Jeff Dick.
Guest:He lives on a boat in Florida that I bought him.
Guest:And he's constantly drunk, but I love him.
Guest:You can.
Guest:He actually has a YouTube page where he does.
Guest:It's called Drunk Chef Jeff.
Guest:And he does stunts that are far more dangerous than jackass.
Guest:He's he's a fucking he's idiotic.
Guest:And what was the other sibling?
Guest:And he that's it.
Guest:Just him.
Guest:And he and we were both adopted from different families.
Guest:And he's part American Indian.
Guest:But let me tell you a story.
Guest:You're both.
Marc:You have drug problems and drinking problems.
Marc:Hi, how are you?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And how are you today?
Marc:I'm fine.
Marc:I have one too.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:You do?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:I've been sober 11 years.
Marc:So you're going to tell a story about what?
Guest:My dad.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now I'm full-blown experimenting with homosexuality.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:I'm probably 17, maybe 18.
Marc:Did you look at it as experimenting or did you just look at it as what you wanted to do?
Marc:Were you aware that like- No, because I didn't know what to do.
Marc:But what did experiment mean?
Guest:You found a straight guy and you were like, hey, can I touch your peepee or what?
Guest:Yeah, there was a guy in school.
Guest:He was on the track team.
Guest:His name was Pete Bowler.
Guest:How you doing, Pete?
Guest:If you're out there, give me a call.
Guest:Actually, he did give me a call about a few years ago.
Guest:I would say about five, 10 years ago.
Guest:He called me up.
Guest:He said, I'm married.
Guest:I got kids.
Guest:I want to see you again.
Guest:This is the guy that I'm about to tell the story about.
Guest:I said, oh my God, are you kidding?
Guest:Come on out.
Guest:Fly out to LA.
Guest:Let's meet.
Guest:This guy, we were 17 and 18.
Guest:He was svelte, good looking.
Guest:He was on the track team.
Guest:He was gorgeous.
Guest:Ding dong, shows up at my doorstep, on my doorstep, at my door.
Guest:Fat as hell, hairy, ugly.
Guest:And this is recently?
Guest:And I just couldn't do it.
Marc:Was he looking to do it?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:He said, please, let's hook up like we used to.
Guest:And I said, I actually tried.
Guest:I felt bad and I tried.
Guest:We went out, we went into his car, we drove, because he had a rental car.
Marc:Oh, poor guy.
Marc:You've probably been repressing this for so many years.
Marc:You were the only guy he knew that could do it.
Guest:But then listen to one of us.
Guest:He taught me how to masturbate.
Guest:Okay, that's how that came out.
Guest:I remember he said-
Guest:I told you, 17 or 18.
Guest:I was a late bloomer.
Guest:With masturbating?
Guest:I came once when I was 12 and I didn't come again.
Guest:What were you doing to come?
Guest:The first time I came, my fat neighbor said, watch this, watch what I can do to your dick.
Guest:And he just went, I remember thinking, I was thinking about a certain girl that I liked.
Guest:And when I was thinking about the girl-
Guest:Now this is what confused, this is why I'm confused.
Guest:How old is a fat neighbor?
Guest:People call me.
Guest:We were the same age.
Guest:We were both 12.
Guest:We were both 12 and he was like fat.
Guest:He was obese.
Guest:He was this obese guy.
Guest:Just wanted to play with my dick.
Guest:And I'm like, whatever.
Guest:Why?
Guest:What's gonna happen?
Guest:I literally, no one taught me anything.
Guest:Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Guest:And it felt like my insides had, I think that's when my nuts dropped.
Guest:Right then?
Guest:Because it felt like, right then and there, because it felt like my insides turned upside down, but yet it felt great.
Guest:And then I smelled it, smelled like chlorine, and I started dry heaving, and I ran to the bathroom.
Marc:It sounded like he was just almost like turning you onto a drug.
Marc:Like, you should know this trick.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:He was.
Guest:And then years later, five years later, after not coming for five fucking years.
Guest:How does somebody so sexual and so tweaked as you not come for five years?
Guest:I just didn't.
Guest:I didn't know I could do it myself.
Guest:I was retarded.
Guest:I didn't know I could do it myself.
Guest:And here comes Pete and he's gorgeous.
Guest:And I find myself having fantasies about him.
Guest:I remember after he told me, you know, I have one ball.
Guest:I only have one ball.
Guest:That's hot.
Guest:And I think that's...
Guest:Well, it isn't.
Guest:But I said, that's weird.
Guest:Can I see it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he took his pants off and then I started getting turned on because he looked great without clothes.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then he taught me how to masturbate.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he proceeded to... He had braces at the time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He blew me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He blew me and he would blow me on a weekly basis.
Guest:He blew me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I got a lot of blowjobs from girls and guys in high school to the point where I don't even...
Guest:like them anymore.
Marc:I don't even prefer them.
Guest:But I didn't tell you the story yet, but I'll get to it.
Guest:Which one?
Guest:With him.
Guest:Let me just get to it.
Guest:So we were in an advanced experimental stage where we're past blowjobs and we're completely drunk on Jack Daniels in my living room of my house late at night.
Guest:Yeah, like 3 or 4 or 5 a.m.
Guest:Once again, the sun's starting to come up.
Guest:And I guess my dad, since he was a lieutenant commander on a submarine and he had that Navy...
Guest:Intuition.
Guest:Regimen.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:Just that schedule.
Guest:I was trying to wake up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Super early.
Guest:Check the troops.
Guest:And he did on this particular deck.
Guest:Onto the lower deck.
Guest:He comes downstairs.
Guest:And this is at a moment where we are both butt ass naked.
Guest:He's on all fours.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we're both laughing.
Guest:Well, he's laughing.
Guest:And then he starts throwing up.
Guest:and I opened the sliding glass door just so he could stick his head out and throw up outside, but I'm on top of him.
Guest:It looks like I'm fucking him in the butt, because he's on all fours, and I'm on him.
Guest:We're both naked.
Guest:No, I wasn't, and I never did with him.
Guest:And so he's on all fours.
Guest:I'm on him,
Guest:looking like I'm humping him.
Guest:He's head out the sliding glass door, vomiting, and I'm laughing hysterically.
Guest:I turn and my dad is standing right there.
Guest:What's up, fellas?
Guest:What did he say?
Guest:He said nothing.
Guest:And he turned around and walked out and we never talked about it.
Marc:Well, that probably happens on the submarine all the time.
Guest:It's probably nothing new to him.
Guest:No, probably.
Guest:You probably?
Guest:I never thought of that.
Guest:It might be.
Guest:I wish we talked about he's not alive anymore.
Guest:And I really, now I miss my mom and dad.
Guest:They're both dead?
Guest:Both.
Guest:And I miss them.
Guest:When they died at the time, I was like, great, now I can just let my hair down.
Guest:But I really miss them.
Marc:Well, what do you regret having not said?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:I mean, we always said that we loved each other and all that.
Marc:Were they always concerned about you?
Marc:Did they reprimand you?
Guest:I mean, did your dad handle that?
Guest:My dad always wanted, you know, he got to see my early stages of comedy and it's all it went downhill from there.
Guest:But he it was he always said, I really wish you would be more like Bill Cosby.
Guest:Black and old.
Guest:I didn't.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:But were they alive for news radio?
Guest:No, my mom was, but my dad died when I was like 21 or 22.
Guest:But my mom was at the very, very beginning.
Guest:In fact, I had to fly up there.
Guest:I flew up there because she started getting real bad.
Guest:To Pennsylvania?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:At this point, she got remarried and lived in Olympia, Washington, and I flew up there.
Guest:And she died right in front of me.
Guest:And then, you know, it's almost like- She waited for you to do it?
Guest:She waited and then gave me the gift of, because it really was special and awesome.
Guest:No, it really was.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:To be there with her.
Guest:Did she have cancer?
Guest:She had cancer and she just died right in front of me.
Guest:And when she did, she kind of lifted out of the bed
Guest:And this is just like my mom.
Guest:My mom was very sarcastic and very funny.
Guest:I think I got my humor from her.
Guest:She literally was laying there back like this, not doing well.
Guest:And the nurse, because she was at home, we did the hospice thing.
Guest:The nurse said, her kidneys are shutting down, this is shutting down.
Guest:She's actually dying right before your eyes.
Guest:And I thought, oh, she's like, can't hear me.
Guest:And she wasn't responding or anything.
Guest:But out of the blue, she sat up, opened her eyes and shrugged and went,
Guest:Well, she just was like, I guess it's time to go.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:She went and laid down and died.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:It was magical really.
Guest:And it was a gift she gave me.
Guest:And I was able to get on a plane and go back and shoot that episode of news radio because I told them I'm going to have to miss it.
Guest:And then that episode was dedicated to my mom, but they misspelled her name.
Guest:They misspelled it.
Guest:Did you have them fix it?
Guest:I think I begged them to fix it for the DVD.
Guest:I don't know if they did.
Marc:So now you and your brother are both adopted.
Marc:Now, did you find your real parents?
Guest:I did.
Guest:I asked my mom when she was still alive.
Guest:I said, you know, no offense or no disrespect to you.
Guest:Yeah, they got to expect it, though.
Guest:But I really am curious.
Guest:Can you help me out?
Guest:My mom started crying in front of my eyes.
Guest:Just start crying.
Guest:So I never brought it up again.
Guest:Then when they died...
Guest:I still took two or three, maybe even five years, and I said, you know what?
Guest:I'm just curious, man.
Guest:I don't know how you couldn't be.
Marc:What do you need?
Guest:I have to, I need a, oh, I have one.
Guest:I just have phlegm in my, that shake.
Guest:Yeah, I'm most curious.
Guest:You can edit that out, right?
Marc:Maybe.
Marc:I hate you.
Marc:Oh, that's what you're going to get worried about?
Guest:It's just so gross.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But I found them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Were they together?
Guest:Were they separate?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:My mom, here's the whole story in a nutshell.
Guest:My mom was 17 in high school.
Guest:She got knocked up from an amateur boxer.
Guest:He was golden gloves, five states, and he was a bricklayer.
Guest:and she only had sex once with one person at the time.
Guest:It was him.
Guest:She got pregnant with me.
Guest:She went to him and said, look, I think I'm pregnant with your child.
Guest:And he said, no, it's impossible.
Guest:He denied it, and they never talked again.
Guest:And I found her, and we really connected.
Guest:Did you see a resemblance in everything?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Her name is Lynn Tomlinson.
Guest:And finding her was incredible and crazy.
Guest:And it would take a whole hour to tell you that story.
Guest:But I found her.
Guest:Amarillo, Texas.
Guest:I was conceived on Route 66.
Guest:You know, they fucked in a house right on the historic Route 66.
Guest:Did you go put a plaque there?
Guest:I should.
Guest:Conception place of Andy Dick?
Guest:I should.
Guest:And I met her, and I brought her out here, and we connected, and we walked along the beach.
Guest:Was she surprised?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:She was overjoyed.
Guest:overjoyed did she know news radio or anything else i don't think she did but she quickly learned because her her her other kids she had kids and she got married and divorced and she has a whole life you know so you have all these half brothers yeah i do did you meet them yes oh my god so
Guest:We're on the beach.
Guest:We see whales.
Guest:I've never seen whales in the wild before or since.
Guest:But with my mom, it was magical.
Guest:Again, once again, it was a really magical experience.
Guest:But then I started, this feeling started creeping into my system, into my psyche or my mind or my emotion or my whatever it was, this feeling of,
Guest:Oh, now you want to be part of my life?
Guest:And that I couldn't get rid of.
Guest:I couldn't get rid of this nasty, like, you fucking bitch.
Guest:You're the one that got rid of me.
Guest:You crapped me out of your fucking cunt.
Guest:And then you threw me away.
Guest:I really got angry.
Guest:But you brought her into your life.
Guest:I did.
Guest:It's like a weird dichotomy.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Did you say that to her?
Guest:That's very touching.
Guest:You crapped me out of your cunt and then you threw me away.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:No, she knows how I feel and I'm struggling with it to this day.
Guest:You talked to her?
Guest:Yes, but not... At first, it was, like I said, magical.
Guest:We were talking all the time.
Marc:Then why did you get rid of me?
Guest:And then I just, now I don't talk to her much, but then I got mad at her because I said, can you help me get in touch with the father?
Guest:She's like, no, he's not a good person.
Guest:That's literally what she said.
Guest:Does she know you?
Guest:He is not a good person.
I'm sorry.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:Okay, are we done?
Guest:No.
Guest:I'm going to walk out like Gallagher.
Marc:No, I don't think you're a bad person.
Guest:I'm not.
Marc:I just think you have a bad good time.
Guest:No, I have a great time and other people around me.
Guest:I have a problem with it.
Guest:Yeah, I don't know what their problem is.
Guest:By the way, I'm sober, just so you know.
Guest:I'm completely stone cold sober and I've been sober for a while.
Marc:I'm hung up on this idea that, this idea that, did you feel that all your life?
Marc:When did you learn that you were adopted?
Guest:I always knew because they,
Guest:told me all forever and there was a book called the chosen child they tried to smooth everything over with this children's book called the chosen child so that so that i had the feeling that i was i was chosen you're special special well you are special but i mean did that thing happen did that hang over your entire life like why was why did my parents throw me away
Marc:Why was I?
Guest:Just as a simple curiosity.
Guest:But I'll tell you, people who are adopted, there's a book called The Primal Wound.
Guest:My brother has three adopted children.
Guest:Let me tell you something.
Guest:It can't not...
Guest:tweak your brain it can't not tweak your brain you're with someone for nine months sharing a heartbeat sharing fluids you're with them you come out and if you're immediately taken away from them forever it's just your brain goes what where's that person that was just in for nine months where's that person I share all that
Guest:that organic liquid.
Guest:Substance with.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's like you're off kilter for the rest of your life.
Guest:And then I bought a book that everybody said, gotta read this, gotta read this, gotta read this.
Guest:And it was called The Primal Wound.
Guest:I started reading it and the woman who was adopted said that her psychiatrist made her write a letter to her mother, her real biological mother with her left hand because she's gonna access a different part of her brain that's more truthful.
Guest:This could be all bullshit.
Guest:But anyway, she started writing the letter and she started writing.
Guest:She said, dear mommy,
Guest:when are you coming to pick me up?
Guest:And she put the pencil down.
Guest:And that's when I put the fucking book down.
Guest:I started bawling my eyes out.
Guest:I completely related.
Guest:And the other thing that I remember from the book before she got to that part was that this is, it's called The Primal Wound.
Guest:And she said, it is never going to heal.
Guest:So I'm thinking, why am I reading this fucking book then?
Guest:I'm trying to heal and move along.
Guest:If it's never gonna heal, fuck the book and fuck it.
Guest:Maybe they want you to accept it and grieve properly.
Guest:I don't know what to do.
Guest:I don't even know how I would.
Guest:And I think maybe this is part of the process.
Guest:I feel that.
Guest:With the mother that I met.
Guest:I met her and now fuck you.
Marc:Well now, okay.
Marc:So maybe you'll get through that.
Marc:Maybe you won't.
Marc:But at least you have some closure there.
Marc:Did you meet the boxer?
Marc:I finally did.
Guest:At first, fascinated.
Guest:I love him, he's fun.
Guest:Very hardcore accent.
Guest:Where's he from?
Guest:He's like this, man, I wish I could, I wish I saved some of the messages.
Guest:He's also, he's from Amarillo, Texas.
Guest:They're both.
Guest:And they're still there?
Guest:Both of them.
Guest:And, but she got, when she got pregnant, it was such a travesty.
Guest:And it was so, ooh, that's in 1965.
Guest:She was carted off to Charleston, South Carolina for the nine months that I was inside of her.
Guest:With family?
Guest:Pussy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And with family.
Marc:I think you were in her womb.
Guest:Well, and I came out of the puss.
Marc:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:The puss.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Anyways, then she crapped me out and then she came back to Amarillo.
Guest:So I met my dad.
Guest:He, you know, slowly, I'm in this gorgeous condo.
Guest:I used to live.
Guest:Is he a macho dude?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Tough guy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He used to fight dogs.
Guest:So you walk in there.
Guest:He had 35.
Guest:fucking pit bulls that he used to fight you walk in there with your kind of no no no exactly he walks in my place i flew him out oh boy and i lived in these gorgeous condos those ones at bar ham and you went hi is that how i talk no i'm just you could you know what seth mcfarland on on american dad just last week they they portrayed me i i whenever they make fun of me he usually calls me up and says do you want to come in and play yourself yeah i'm like you
Guest:fucking I don't care yes I'd rather me do it than some other fag or some other person acting like a fucking fag and that's what they did on American Dad they got Nick Kroll to come in and he's everybody does it like this and ah I'm Andy Duck like I'm not that fucking fruity you fucking assholes like a manic Paul Lynn yeah
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:Paul Lin on speed.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:On American Dad, that alien thing talks like Paul Lin.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Did you notice that?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I don't watch it.
Guest:Sam ain't my thing.
Guest:He talks exactly like Paul Lin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It should have got me to play that part.
Guest:I'm just fucking pissed at Seth right now.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So your dad walks in.
Guest:walks in in my beautiful condo, we're getting along, things are great.
Guest:I actually filmed it.
Guest:I filmed it, and the whole first meeting of him, I filmed it as, because I was under, I had that ankle bracelet where you can't drink for a year.
Guest:And I pretended like that was house arrest.
Guest:And I did a short series on Adam.com, A-T-O-M, called House Arrest with Andy Dick.
Guest:you know adam carolla was a guest dr drew tom green my father my father's i never aired i just didn't do i didn't even edit it together because i got disgusted almost within hours he started literally go walking around going so how much is this condo worth uh-huh how much did you pay for this yeah and i could and at first i'm like oh you know it's like it's like uh i think i'm
Guest:1.2 million.
Guest:And I caught myself and I realized he's really just trying to get in on my fucking money.
Guest:And I'm like, I looked at him and thought to myself- Did you look like him?
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:And I'm like, are you fucking serious?
Guest:Really?
Guest:I just get in touch with you, and you're already trying to get my fucking money.
Guest:So he went back, and I just stopped calling him.
Guest:I stopped, because we had a long relationship over the phone for a while.
Guest:Oh, the first call was, I think I'm your son.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, no, you ain't.
Guest:I don't have a son.
Guest:Click.
Guest:Oh, boy.
Guest:He knew that call was coming.
Guest:Yeah, right away.
Guest:He was a fucking dick.
Guest:Then I said my name, and I said everything, and I said, you check it out.
Guest:His daughter, who's my half-sister,
Guest:Rhonda, who she's actually a beautiful person.
Guest:She told him, you know, he's, that's true.
Guest:He's anti, you should check him.
Guest:He's on TV and all this.
Guest:And then all of a sudden I get a call back.
Guest:It's fucking ridiculous.
Guest:But anyhow, I was going to say that he started getting,
Guest:You know, I guess he's a man that's used to getting what he wants.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:He's this macho, like I said, golden gloves boxer in five states.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he started leaving messages on my machine going, you fucking fruity little faggot.
Guest:I want you to come out here to Amarillo and look me in the eyeballs.
Guest:If you ain't going to answer your fucking phone, then you come out here and we're going to talk it out man to man.
Guest:You fucking little fruity dress wearing skirt wearing faggot.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I'm talking about tons of messages like that.
Guest:Your biological father.
Guest:My biological father calling me a fucking faggot.
Guest:Did it make you upset?
Guest:I was laughing.
Guest:Because you really don't have a relationship with this guy.
Guest:I don't give a shit.
Guest:The guy's desperately trying to connect with me.
Guest:Fuck you, you fucking idiot asshole.
Marc:Did you feel it was always about the money?
Guest:Yeah, oh yeah.
Guest:But then after a while, he really got the message.
Guest:And I did just see him two months ago in Texas because I did a little tour of my one-man show, which is very musical.
Guest:You probably have no idea about it.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:It's just me on stage and I do songs that are original that tell stories about- When did you do this?
Guest:I do it all the time.
Guest:I've been doing it for 20 years.
Marc:But I mean, is this different than the act that you do in a comedy club?
Marc:No, it's the same thing.
Guest:Oh, no, okay.
Guest:You've never seen it.
Guest:When I do it in LA, I would love for you to come.
Guest:But anyways, I did San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, and Austin just a few months ago.
Guest:It was a little bit disastrous, but my dad showed up.
Marc:What does that mean?
Marc:How many people did you?
Guest:Oh, no, the people came.
Marc:No, but I mean, what kind of problems happened?
Guest:I don't want to get into that.
Guest:All right, all right, go ahead.
Guest:Let me talk about my dad.
Guest:I got a message from him saying...
Guest:I hear you're gonna be in Texas.
Guest:I'll see you in Dallas.
Guest:Click.
Guest:And I said, I don't fucking care.
Guest:At this point, he had been leaving messages apologizing.
Guest:He had 17 years sober.
Guest:He stopped drinking.
Guest:So he's an alcoholic.
Guest:He's an alcoholic like you.
Marc:Yeah, and you.
Guest:I don't cotton to those phrases.
Guest:Oh, you don't?
Guest:No, I don't like thinking of it.
Guest:Did I call myself an alcoholic?
Guest:I called you one.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:I don't like thinking of it as a disease.
Guest:You think of it as a hobby?
Guest:yeah i would more so it's a hot i cannot tell you that i'm not going to drink again i cannot honestly look you in the face and say i'm never going to drink again but i'll tell you what i don't prefer it right now do you see it as a problem i let we can say that i've had problems i not only could we say it but most of america could probably say directly relate to drinking alcohol by the way you came in with quite a
Marc:A drink.
Guest:Yeah, every morning and every night I started adding it to my nightly routine.
Guest:I make this concoction that is, it's like green swamp water, but it's so healthy.
Guest:It's the reason that I have been able to party so hard.
Guest:I can, I mean, I guess I am proud of this fact, but I can out drink anything.
Guest:But you don't think you're an alcoholic.
Guest:I just don't subscribe to terms like that.
Marc:You don't subscribe that it's a disease.
Guest:Here's why.
Guest:If I do, I get angry about it.
Guest:I get angry at people because if people, you, him, her, America, if they're looking at me and going, look at that guy, poor guy, he suffers from alcoholism.
Guest:It's a disease.
Guest:That guy has a disease.
Guest:Then why...
Guest:are they making fun of me why would you make fun of of somebody that has your fairly well you're a public person yeah but and and there's a disease why are you making fun of somebody with a disease why don't you go poor guy like the charlie sheen crap like i'm with you on that i look at him and i go why is everybody goading him on yeah like the guy is troubled is it true about the machete
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:He seems to be in a manic break of some kind.
Guest:Something's wrong.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And like terribly wrong.
Marc:But I think people say that about you.
Marc:But it seems to me that you seem to embrace it, that there's some part of you that likes this kind of attention.
Guest:No, I don't.
Guest:When I drink heavily, I'd prefer to not have it be public.
Guest:Well, how much of that shit that you get in trouble for is in a blackout?
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Enough said.
Guest:A lot of it.
Guest:That's enough said, you know, really, you know, so at a certain point I lose, I lose.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, I can't, I'm not, there's no, I already don't have a filter on my mouth or my actions.
Guest:You add 20 beers to that.
Marc:Well, that's what I figured.
Marc:I was looking over your stuff and the trouble you've had.
Marc:As opposed to talking about it specifically, it doesn't interest me, but it seems to me it's blackout behavior.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like you literally come to and you're like, I didn't do that.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's drinking too much.
Guest:Yeah, I agree.
Guest:I agree that there are many, many, many, many times in my life where I drank too much.
Guest:But I'm telling you, I'm still trying to, not right this second, in fact, I'm not gonna drink for, you know, there's been times where I haven't drank for three years.
Guest:Three years in a row, a year in a row here, a year and a half over here, two months here, one month here, a week here.
Guest:And right now I know I'm in a very long stretch of complete abstinence and sobriety.
Guest:And I welcome the program.
Guest:I'm around people that are in the program.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I need support.
Guest:I'm in contact with Dr. Drew.
Marc:But do you do anything to change your state of mind?
Marc:Do you have money left?
Marc:I mean, is it destroyed you?
Guest:Yeah, it has destroyed me.
Guest:Mostly my reputation and people's...
Guest:people's faith or trust in, in me to be able to, the thing is, is that I never showed up drunk and I never missed work.
Guest:I never, you know, I was always a very, very good, the people that have worked with me in the past will work with me again.
Guest:And that's, and so I am working.
Guest:I just did CSI.
Guest:I just, I did two episodes of community.
Guest:Um, I just met with a network last week to do another show.
Guest:So I, you know, I'm, I have money, I have land, um,
Guest:and property that's not liquid.
Guest:Where are you living now?
Guest:I live in, you son of a bitch.
Guest:I live in the back of my ex's house.
Guest:I live in a shed.
Guest:The first ex?
Guest:No.
Guest:Um, no.
Guest:You have three kids?
Guest:I have three kids with two different women.
Guest:And my son, Lucas, just moved to New York to do stand-up.
Guest:And he moved with no contacts, nobody to live with.
Guest:He sent me a text this morning that said, I found a place to stay and here's my view.
Guest:It was a picture text.
Guest:He said, here's the view from the top bunk of where I'm staying.
Guest:And it was looking down.
Guest:Onto a computer at a little desk and on the computer screen was the poster for Brokeback Mountain.
Guest:What does that mean?
Guest:I said, get the fuck out of there.
Guest:Take the first plane back.
Guest:It's enough that I'm a little faggoty, but I don't want that.
Guest:My son is completely straight.
Guest:Is this from the first marriage or the first woman?
Guest:Yeah, I was married to her.
Guest:She got pregnant and we raced to the courthouse and got married.
Guest:So that my son wouldn't be a bastard.
Guest:You have a son and a daughter?
Guest:I have a son and two bastards.
Guest:Well, no, I have a son and then another son who I guess is a bastard.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We never got married.
Marc:With the second one.
Guest:With the second one.
Guest:And then a daughter.
Guest:What is it called when the daughter's out of wedlock?
Guest:A bastardess?
Guest:A bitch.
Guest:No, I think that- A whore.
Guest:They're both beautiful kids.
Guest:My kids are way better than me.
Guest:I can't even see the weird thing- They're way better than me because the mothers-
Guest:The mother's raised him great.
Guest:How were you?
Guest:Were you present?
Guest:Were you a father?
Guest:Well, here's what I said.
Guest:I can't see you as a father.
Guest:Well, I am, and I'm a damn good one, if I can say so myself.
Guest:Well, can you?
Guest:I just said it, so yes, please.
Guest:I'm a really good father.
Guest:I'm not being confrontational.
Guest:You can be.
Guest:I don't mind.
Guest:But that's why, literally, I saw the movie.
Guest:funny people that I'm in.
Guest:I don't even think I would have seen it had I not been in it and got invited to the premiere.
Guest:So I went, I saw it, and yeah, I have a very, I say one word or something that I improvised.
Guest:But the story of it, it was almost like Judd Apatow, who's a friend of mine from back in the, you know,
Guest:Ben Stiller show.
Guest:You're part of that crew.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The story really hit a nerve for me because it was about a guy who got really caught up in his career and never had kids.
Guest:And but then he met this girl that had kids in it.
Guest:And then and I just realized that I was just missing out on.
Guest:But the thing is, is that every girl that became pregnant with me, there's others too, but they just had abortions.
Guest:But these two girls, I said, look, if you want to keep the baby, you can do whatever you want.
Guest:But I can't promise you that I will physically be there, but I'll be there as much as I can.
Guest:And I'll completely financially support you.
Guest:completely so you know that's the way it went it's up to you yeah and and the thing is is that for every single one of my kids i was there and i'm talking about every day for the first at least five years which really are the most formulative and important years and then there would be a rift in our relationship and eventually we would break up at five there's a rift for me i don't know why but they said fuck you dad
Guest:You get out of here?
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:There's a rift in mine and the girls.
Guest:Oh, I get it.
Guest:I was living with them up until five years and then me and the girl would break up and then I would just visit or the kids would come visit me.
Guest:But for the first five years of every single one of my three kids, I'm fucking wiping their poop off their butt.
Guest:I'm taking care of them.
Guest:You know, Lucas, we were, I wasn't even on TV yet when I had Lucas.
Guest:How old is Lucas?
Guest:Lucas now.
Guest:He's 22.
Guest:And how old's the girl?
Guest:I'm 45, by the way.
Guest:She's 13, so there's only like five more years until she's- How old's the other one?
Guest:16.
Marc:The girl.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Two boys and a girl.
Marc:Yeah, two boys and a girl.
Marc:Now, how's your relationship with all of them?
Guest:Fantastic.
Guest:Like I said, I really am a good father.
Guest:They love me.
Guest:I love them.
Guest:Do they see you as a father or some guy that's crazy?
Guest:Both.
Guest:They know that their father's fucking... Andy Dick.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:And they have to put up with a lot of fucking shit that I really don't like.
Guest:And there's nothing I can do except move forward and keep trying to... It's like treading water, though, at this point.
Guest:There's so much crap.
Marc:I've talked to Ben.
Marc:I've talked to people that know you.
Marc:I've talked to Dino.
Marc:And you're a very talented guy.
Marc:Like you said, you show up for work.
Marc:You've done great television work.
Marc:No one denies the fact that you're incredibly funny.
Marc:But now it seems that your notoriety has overwhelmed or overtaken.
Guest:It did.
Guest:I know.
Marc:Like you're never going to be able to separate yourself from your infamy.
Guest:Unless maybe possibly the only way is to literally never drink again, ever.
Guest:Never touch a draw, like you.
Guest:Like, why did you stop?
Guest:Can I ask you?
Guest:Why did you stop and how have you been able to not drink for 17 years?
Marc:11.
Marc:11 years.
Marc:That's your dad.
Marc:But he started drinking again?
Marc:After he met me.
Guest:Seriously?
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:He started drinking again.
Guest:Did you get him drinking again?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:But that's where the messages started coming out of his drunken- Oh, really?
Guest:He would play Johnny Cash and sing it, and then he'd turn it off and just go into a- So he's wasted.
Marc:Hate rant.
Marc:Did you relate to that?
Guest:No, because I don't hate him.
Guest:I never left him any hate-
Marc:No, but when you get drunk, you just seem to want to fuck things.
Marc:Or touch things that you shouldn't.
Guest:I just... What I really want to do is provoke people.
Guest:I want to like... I love seeing reactions.
Guest:Do you like getting hit?
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:But I have been hit.
Guest:But no, I don't... Who likes to get... Well, I guess some people do.
Marc:Oh, you know what story you never told?
Marc:I just remembered it.
Marc:What?
Marc:When you were on my show off the mic, there was something about a cop, a female cop and acid.
Marc:And do you remember having a relationship with a female cop?
Guest:I was in, I was doing, she's trying to get in touch with me recently too.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't want to get her in trouble with her husband, but she...
Guest:She was the arresting officer when I was doing, this is all coming full circle because I was doing celebrity poker in New Orleans and I was sitting next to Joy Behar.
Guest:This is before The View.
Guest:What did she say?
Guest:Andy, what's the matter with you?
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:She literally is like that.
Guest:But I love her.
Guest:I'm doing her show this week.
Marc:I'm sure you are.
Guest:Well, because everybody wants my opinion of Charlie Sheen.
Guest:The last time I did her show, it was when Lindsay was going into jail.
Guest:Like, I have a PhD on this fucking topic.
Marc:That's so funny that they're looking at you as a voice of reason, and you're the only one that still has been able to continue doing drugs.
Guest:Dodging bullets left and right.
Marc:Like, let's ask Andy.
Guest:When I did her show the last time.
Marc:He's still fucked up, but he's funny at least.
Guest:I know.
Guest:When she had me on for the Lindsay thing, I was drunk.
Guest:Do you know Lindsay?
Guest:I apologize.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:We used to hang out a little bit.
Marc:Because, like, I feel... Just because I have this amount of sobriety... We'll get back to the story in a minute.
Marc:And you asked me specific questions about my sobriety.
Marc:Is that, like, because I'm so...
Marc:In my mind, I get very moved by the struggle of people that are fighting with addiction.
Marc:And when I hear about that struggle, I haven't talked about Charlie on air at all other than I compared him to Icarus.
Marc:That eventually his wings are gonna melt and he's gonna come toppling down.
Marc:And I don't think what we're seeing here is a drug problem.
Marc:I think he's having a manic fucking episode.
Marc:And I don't know how long it'll last, but my father's manic depressive.
Marc:And I know that, you know, the sort of grandiosity and the feeling of the amazing feeling of power that comes with mania is what I see.
Guest:Yeah, me too.
Marc:And it's almost, you know, he might be close to psychotic break.
Yeah.
Marc:And it doesn't seem drug related.
Marc:So the sad thing is, is that we've got all these, this media predatory culture that, you know, because he's so confident and he wants the attention that they're going to give it to him because he's asking for it in this weird state that he's in.
Marc:And you're right.
Marc:There's got, something's got to give.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:Something's got to give.
Marc:So your question with me was that what I realized is that basically, and it's basic stuff, that there's no way that I can use drugs or drink safely.
Marc:I'm going to hurt myself.
Marc:I'm going to hurt other people either emotionally.
Marc:I'm going to cause trouble.
Marc:It's just that.
Marc:There's no way I can control it once it starts.
Marc:So I had to figure out how not to start.
Marc:So on a day-to-day basis, you know the rigmarole.
Marc:I don't start.
Marc:But I also, after a period of time, I no longer romanticized it.
Marc:Look, I got a nicotine patch on.
Marc:I masturbate a lot.
Marc:I have sex fairly often.
Marc:It's not like I'm some sort of saint.
Marc:But no, but that was basically my approach to it.
Marc:And after a while, the obsession sort of lessened, and I stopped romanticizing it.
Guest:You don't miss it at all.
Guest:You don't want to just sit down and- Do blow for three days?
Guest:And cuddle up and watch, no, and watch an episode of, I don't know what your favorite show is, I'm going to guess, House.
Guest:With what, a drink?
Guest:Or with a wine?
Guest:A glass of wine.
Marc:I never drank.
Guest:I never drank like that.
Marc:Oh, so you liked Coke.
Marc:I like Coke, I like booze, I smoked a lot of pot.
Guest:See, I like beer and I like wine.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I do, and I still do.
Marc:But the thing is with me, it's like, okay, cuddling up, there's no way I'm going to drink one.
Marc:I mean, what's the point of drinking if you're not going to get fucked up?
Marc:And you go, okay, so there you are, cuddled up, you know, watching reruns of Oprah or whatever with your glass of wine.
Marc:Drop Dead Diva.
Marc:Okay, Drop Dead Diva.
Guest:It's another girl's show, but I love it.
Marc:But so how long before you're like, you finished the bottle and now you're making calls to get another bottle or to get some blow?
Guest:I know, I know, I know.
Marc:It's only 9.30 and I'm wasted.
Marc:5.30 a.m.
Marc:What happened?
Marc:Why are the cops here?
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:You know, I have made friends with the cops in my neighborhood.
Guest:They know where I live.
Guest:They know how to take me home.
Guest:They're basically my local cab company.
Marc:Oh, so we didn't talk about where you live.
Guest:Do you live at your ex-wife's place?
Guest:I live in a shed.
Guest:I live in, I think it's called a tough shed, but I pimped it out and I put five grand into it and I have hardwood floors and insulation into a fucking shed.
Guest:Yeah, laugh it up.
Guest:have you put it on camera yet i'd love to see a pimped out laugh it up you put hardwood floors in the shed like that things right out here like a metal corrugated metal kind of like that like this garage we're in right now you know that's nice i'll take pictures with my brand new iphone i just got yeah and i'll and i'll i'll uh i'll email them to you and you can is it as big as this or is it bigger it's about this big it's about this big and then it's just like just like this there's no running water there's no where do you shit and wash things
Guest:In the main house.
Guest:I'm allowed to go in the four bedroom, deliciously beautiful main house.
Guest:Did you pay for that house?
Guest:Well, I pay for everything.
Guest:I pay for all of the 52 inch.
Guest:There's four fucking screens, flat screens.
Guest:I pay for all of them.
Guest:You're in the shed?
Guest:I have one in the shed.
Guest:My shed is pimped out.
Guest:I don't need anything anymore.
Guest:45.
Guest:That's what that movie taught me.
Guest:I don't need these things.
Guest:Which movie?
Guest:The Funny People, the Judd Apatow movie.
Guest:It really is a good movie.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:I really like it.
Guest:It's not a comedy to me.
Guest:I was crying.
Guest:I never laughed, but I cried.
Marc:I don't know if he anticipated that you would get this message out of it to feng shui your life and strip everything fucking down.
Guest:I got rid of every single thing.
Marc:So you identified with a guy with cancer, is what you're saying.
Guest:There was a little piece of me in every single character.
Guest:I'm sure.
Marc:Including the women.
Marc:A little piece of you in everybody.
Marc:Nothing remains untouched by Andy Dick.
Guest:So anyhow, I live in there, and only twice I had to shit.
Guest:It was pouring down rain.
Guest:It was 4 a.m.
Guest:I had diarrhea from drinking, and I didn't want to.
Guest:I just couldn't do it, so I pooped in my piss bucket.
Guest:Why didn't you just go shit outside?
Guest:Because it was pouring down rain.
Guest:The other time I pooped, I pooped on my fake artificial grass patch I have out front.
Guest:I pooped on it.
Guest:And then when I got up in the morning, it was gone because my dogs ate it.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's a good story.
Guest:It's disgusting.
Marc:So now you're living in the shed because it's a Buddhist approach to things.
Marc:You've decided that this is how you're going to rough it.
Guest:Yeah, but I don't equate it to any religion or anything.
Guest:You just simplified your life.
Guest:Just simplified my life.
Guest:I don't want anything.
Marc:In the backyard of the house you own.
Guest:Do you get along with that woman?
Guest:There's a reason why we're not going out.
Guest:But yeah, as friends, if I could just snap my fingers and show you what it was like just the other night, we're sitting by the fire together in silence, both reading books.
Guest:I'm reading Adam Carolla's book right now, by the way.
Guest:Well, you're not an easy man, clearly.
Guest:Well, when I'm not drinking, I can curl up by the fire and read a book.
Guest:Greg Fitzsimmons' book is really good.
Marc:Yeah, we talked about it.
Marc:But what is everyone telling you?
Marc:What's Dr. Drew telling you?
Marc:What is his support system telling you?
Guest:Not to drink.
Guest:Everybody, you and everybody else and my ex.
Marc:I didn't tell you not to drink.
Marc:I just told you how I didn't drink.
Marc:Can I drink?
Marc:If you'd like.
Marc:You're funny.
Marc:But wait, I could add the passive aggressive part.
Marc:What happened the last time you drank?
Guest:that's good that's all you really need to say i mean there's obviously a reason i stopped again yeah and i don't yeah well i actually got really sick i was i was crapping blood yeah from drinking i'm guessing i'm guessing did that stop like it was like it was like did it stop oh yeah yeah yeah
Guest:Everything's fine.
Marc:Well, look, you know, I know, like, what I understand about you and what, like, you know, then I read a little bit about you because I didn't know all the horrendous dynamics between... Yeah, but a lot of it's bullshit.
Marc:But between you and Lovitz, what was that about?
Guest:Bullshit.
Guest:You know, he...
Marc:I mean, it's a long time ago already.
Marc:I'm sure you've hashed it out over and over again.
Guest:No, I really don't talk about it because Phil Hartman, to me, was a surrogate father.
Guest:My dad died, and I adopted Phil as my dad.
Guest:And Phil was really like the dad that I never had.
Guest:Because my dad, like I told you, was just this...
Guest:He was a hammer.
Guest:He was mean, angry.
Guest:He didn't hit you though, did he?
Guest:He hit my brother.
Guest:Jeff.
Guest:Jeff, which I hear is worse.
Guest:I hear it's worse to watch somebody get hit.
Guest:Like he beat the shit out of him?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And as somebody watching- Is he Jeff Older?
Guest:It's worse.
Guest:He's one year younger, but he was just a little bastard.
Guest:He just wouldn't do anything.
Guest:And you heard it was worse to watch?
Guest:I hear it's worse because you're helpless and you can't process it.
Guest:When you're getting hit, the physical pain of it all, you can process it and it still sucks.
Guest:But to have somebody watch it, I hear psychologically is worse.
Guest:Psychologically.
Marc:The thing with Hartman that you were too close to him.
Guest:Very close.
Guest:You don't know.
Guest:I was the only one from the cast of News Radio that would go to his house.
Guest:I went to his house with Lena.
Guest:She's the one I have two kids with.
Guest:The first wife.
Guest:No.
Guest:Second.
Guest:Second.
Guest:We would go to his house on Thanksgiving, Christmas, things like that.
Guest:The only one.
Guest:He was the only one that came into my, I still own it, this 1955 Airstream Silver Bullet trailer.
Guest:It was like 20 grand all decked out.
Guest:I used to live in that.
Guest:But I just got sick of hitting my head every time I'd go in and out.
Guest:Because you have to duck and you never get used to it.
Guest:And I would hit it hard.
Guest:So the shed has a normal sized door.
Guest:So anyhow, he was like a surrogate father.
Guest:He was my father.
Guest:He would give me great advice and this and that.
Guest:And then he tragically died because his wife was on Zoloft and then went off it and then any kind of pills can really fuck you up and she shot him and shot herself and people blame me.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Because they say that I gave Phil's wife, Brynn was her name.
Marc:I remember, I met them once.
Guest:great couple they were a great loving couple great family the kids are great everybody was great and then pills just fucked her up why did they blame you did you give them to her no her and i uh partied one night with her me and billy idol's wife at the time i don't know if they're still together yeah and it was a one night thing months and months months prior at
Guest:At Phil's house.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we were all just kind of partying.
Guest:Phil too?
Guest:Not Phil.
Guest:No, he didn't party.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He would come in.
Guest:I was going to say, he used to come into my trailer.
Guest:He was the only cast member, him and Candy Alexander, the black woman.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We were the only three pot smokers.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I would smoke a lot of pot and they would just take one puff in my trailer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was like a Tommy Chong kind of metal bong.
Guest:They would just come and take one puff and leave.
Guest:Just go to the exhaust pipe and suck out.
Guest:Gigantic aluminum.
Marc:And you'd hear you inside going .
Guest:So anyhow, Phil Harmon died.
Guest:But right before, I would say a month before the tragedy happened, he called me.
Guest:Maybe it was two months.
Guest:I was in rehab.
Guest:This was my first time in rehab.
Guest:I don't know if you know, but I've been to rehab 11 times.
Guest:So here's my first time in rehab.
Guest:He calls me.
Guest:The only cast member, once again, from news radio, that called me while I was in rehab.
Guest:Everyone else, I was a stinky turd.
Guest:Stay away.
Guest:Did you get along with Rogan?
Guest:No.
Guest:I hated him.
Guest:He was so mean.
Guest:He would make the ladies cry.
Guest:How?
Guest:We're friends now.
Guest:Well...
Guest:He was just a, what's it called?
Guest:A misogynist, a masochist.
Guest:He was a lady hater.
Guest:What's that word?
Guest:Misogynist.
Guest:Misogynist.
Guest:He just, and I think maybe still is, I don't know.
Guest:But he would get down on me in front of the NBC executives.
Guest:You're high right now, dick.
Guest:You fucking freak.
Guest:If you just went out in your train and you smoked pie, you fucker, he's high right now.
Guest:in front of the NBC executives, and I was close to tears.
Marc:Queer with us before his four way into a pot.
Guest:That's the irony of the whole fucking thing.
Guest:Has he apologized to you for that?
Guest:No, but I'm doing his podcast soon, so we're friends now, and I need him to apologize, I really do, because it was very upsetting.
Guest:I dreaded going to work because of him.
Guest:I hated it.
Guest:Five years of hell.
Guest:Did he bully you?
Guest:Well, let me tell you.
Guest:Did Joe bully you?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:He was a really big bully.
Guest:He was a homophobe.
Guest:He was a bully.
Guest:He was straight edged.
Guest:No drugs.
Guest:Now look at him.
Guest:He's a pot advocate.
Guest:It blows my mind and it angers me because I went through hell for five years under his regime.
Guest:It really was the joke.
Guest:I wouldn't even go on the set if I was not in a scene.
Guest:And a lot of times when you're on a show, you just hang out on the set the whole time.
Guest:Not me.
Guest:I just couldn't stand it.
Guest:He drove, it was too much.
Marc:Did he have that effect on everybody?
Guest:Yeah, like I said, he made Maura Tierney cry.
Guest:He made Vicky Lewis cry.
Guest:I mean, they would just run to their dressing rooms crying.
Guest:Hmm.
Guest:He was just a fucking prick.
Guest:He really was.
Marc:Well, he seems to be born again somehow.
Guest:The pot.
Guest:He relaxed.
Guest:I would tell him back then, you need to fucking smoke pot, buddy.
Guest:You really need to relax.
Marc:Maybe he's going to have you on to thank you for finally... I hope so.
Guest:I don't know why.
Guest:I'm glad that we're going to reconnect.
Guest:So what's the issue with love?
Guest:But let me tell you that when Phil called me, he called me to say, hey, I'm here to support you and I want to make sure you're okay.
Guest:But also...
Guest:is the facility you're in, is it a good place?
Guest:Do you think it would be good for Bryn?
Guest:And I'm like, oh, why does she have a problem?
Guest:I didn't even know she had a problem.
Guest:I was like, yeah, she's kind of going off the deep end with the drugs.
Guest:And I said, well, this place is great.
Guest:I mean, I love it and it's beautiful.
Guest:I'm gonna come back here.
Guest:And I did.
Guest:A year later, I was back at the same fucking place.
Guest:You know, it's so nice.
Guest:I think I'm coming back.
Marc:I'm planning my next trip.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Every rehab is like a vacation to me.
Guest:It really is like, oh, really?
Guest:I can stop?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I really can stop?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Because sometimes I feel, honestly, I have this feeling.
Guest:Like I'm obligated.
Guest:Like people expect me to drink.
Guest:They expect me to be a wild fuck up.
Guest:I really feel that kind of pressure sometimes.
Guest:I'm sure you do.
Guest:That's why I don't go out.
Guest:I don't go out because most people in America are.
Guest:They're all drinkers.
Marc:You mean they're like, come here, Andy, you want some blow?
Guest:Come here, Andy.
Guest:Yeah, you need to do a line.
Guest:Take a shot, take a shot.
Guest:I can't even do a shot anymore.
Guest:People do that.
Guest:But anyways, he never got her into rehab and months later,
Guest:She shot him and then she shot herself and they're both dead and then and then then they called me the the producers and and and the people running the show and they I They knew that it would upset me the most and and and ice and they said do you want to do the show keep doing it I said no the show to me is
Guest:For me, it was me and Phil.
Guest:Because all my stuff was with, all my character's stuff was related to Phil.
Guest:The character that I played, Matthew, and his Bill McNeil character, we were like a comedy team.
Guest:where his character just teased me, like pretended to like me, but then would crap on me.
Guest:That was the whole dynamic if you've ever seen news radio.
Guest:Everything that I, all my comedy was bouncing off of Phil's character, Bill McNeil.
Guest:And so I said, to me, if Phil is dead, the show is dead, I'm not coming back.
Guest:And then they talked to me and talked to me and talked to me.
Guest:And I see now looking back, why?
Guest:Because we had done four years.
Guest:They needed one more year to get it into syndication.
Guest:And they talked me into it.
Guest:And I said, fine.
Guest:Okay, great.
Guest:And then I come to the set the first day.
Guest:And this is a true story.
Guest:I've never talked about this either, but I come to the set and John Lovitz is there.
Guest:He took Phil Hartman's place.
Guest:And I'm in my car still parking it.
Guest:And he comes up and he's like, hey, hey, hi, it's Lovitz.
Guest:I can't do his voice.
Guest:But he leans in and looking back now, I know he was just making a really, really, really dark joke, which probably had he given it a year or two, I would have laughed.
Guest:But at the time, it just happened.
Guest:I mean, it was so fresh.
Guest:Phil's death just happened.
Guest:He leaned and he went, I know you killed Phil Hartman.
Guest:And I didn't get it.
Guest:It sickened me.
Guest:And then I had to work with him all year.
Guest:What was he implying, though?
Guest:What was...
Guest:Like I get what I said, that I literally gave cocaine to Bryn, which I did not.
Guest:We did have one night of partying, which I talked about.
Guest:Yeah, but that's nothing.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:It's nothing.
Guest:And it was months and months and months prior.
Guest:And I wasn't the one that made her fall off the wagon either.
Guest:People imply that.
Guest:You partied with her and you're the one that made her, she was sober up until she met you.
Guest:That is not true either.
Guest:And so he was implying that I gave her cocaine that night.
Guest:I was in rehab and I hadn't seen them in months, the whole Hartman family.
Guest:And then all these years, I don't even talk about it.
Guest:It still disturbs me.
Marc:It's horrendously disturbing.
Guest:snowballed into this I killed Phil Hartman campaign, which is fucking bullshit.
Guest:And it hurts my heart that people would even think that, let alone say it out loud.
Guest:It's bullshit.
Guest:It's complete fucking bullshit.
Marc:There's no way to connect those kind of things.
Marc:Drugs are drugs.
Guest:And then I saw, and then I've never been able to forgive Lovitz for just saying that one phrase.
Guest:And then I think I finally did.
Guest:But then I was at, I think I was at his restaurant, Ago.
Guest:And I was drunk.
Guest:And this is years later.
Guest:And I said something to the effect of,
Guest:Oh, look, it's... My assistant was with me, and he knows the exact phrase I said.
Guest:He actually just called... My old assistant, he actually just called while we were on the phone.
Guest:Can I ask him what it was that I said?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Okay, let me just... Let me call him back then.
Guest:But basically, I pointed to Lovett's
Guest:and said something, he said, Lovett said that I said, oh look, it's the ghost of Phil Hartman.
Guest:Which doesn't make sense.
Guest:And I don't know why I would say that.
Guest:But he said, Tino said that, because he was with me.
Guest:This is Dan.
Guest:Buddy, you're on the air right now on Marc Maron's show.
Guest:And right when you were calling, I was actually telling the story of how we went to Ago.
Guest:We saw Lovett.
Guest:And remember, Lovett said that I said, oh, there's the... Well, I'm doing my own parody of me.
Guest:But I said, oh, look, there's the ghost of Phil Hartman.
Guest:But you said that I didn't say that.
Guest:And what did I say?
Guest:No, no, no.
Lovett said that you said...
Guest:Oh, right.
Guest:He said that to you.
Guest:Yeah, it became this thing.
Guest:He said that I said that I put a hex on him and he's the next one.
Oh.
Guest:Oh, so that's what I said.
Guest:So I did say, there's the ghost of Phil Hartman.
Marc:But he made you a witch.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Man, if I really was a witch, I would put a hex on him.
Guest:All right, thanks, man.
Guest:I'd turn him into a ghost.
Guest:Thanks, Tino.
Guest:I'm going to call you after the interview.
Okay.
Marc:All right, well, let's go back to happier times, and then we'll talk about a couple more things.
Marc:I just need to hear about the cop, and we shouldn't get too specific, but the cop who busted you.
Guest:Well, basically, I'm there with Joy Behar, drunk and high on marijuana.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:To the point where before the show started and before the game started, the producers came up, whispered in my ear.
Guest:They said, on the first hand, go all in and get out of here.
Guest:Putting on the first plane back.
Guest:I was just too drunk.
Guest:Right, to play poker.
Guest:Yeah, and I'm like, I'm thinking, I will go all in.
Guest:I'm still going to win.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I didn't.
Guest:I went all in.
Guest:I lost it all in the first hand.
Guest:And I left.
Guest:I went into the back office of the casino.
Guest:And I had an assistant at the time.
Guest:I can't remember his name.
Guest:And I would always make my assistant hold my pot.
Guest:I don't smoke pot anymore.
Guest:Very, very occasionally.
Guest:I did recently at the Porn Awards in Vegas.
Guest:But anyhow.
Marc:And how'd that end up?
Guest:Not very good.
Marc:What happened?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:Is that the passive-aggressive question again?
Guest:It didn't end up well.
Guest:It wasn't good.
Guest:Were there police involved?
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:I'm pretty good at not, you know, I guess just not doing anything.
Guest:I'm not a bad guy and I don't do weird.
Marc:No, you just touch people.
Guest:Yeah, but even that, that's me just trying to get a date.
Guest:I mean, I don't, I say I don't inappropriately.
Guest:Every date I've ever had, it's because I was slightly aggressive, but it's always consensual.
Guest:I always ask them, I'm always talking with them first.
Guest:I don't just run up and grab somebody.
Marc:Why do they accuse you of that?
Guest:Because they want money.
Guest:People try to get money.
Guest:So here I am playing poker with Joy Behar, go in, and I get out of the game.
Guest:I go in the back room, we're smoking pot.
Guest:I'm like, give me the, let me have the pot.
Marc:You and Joy Behar?
Marc:Oh, the assistant.
Marc:No, the assistant.
Guest:No, no, Joy is still playing.
Guest:Me and the assistant are back there.
Marc:That was horrifying.
Marc:The image for me to getting high with Joy Behar was just horrifying.
Guest:That sounds fun to me.
Guest:And then so we're in the back room smoking and we're in the office of the casino.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Just completely illegal.
Guest:And they come in and they they bust my assistant.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because he's the one holding.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So he goes to jail.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the female officer wanted to ask me questions.
Guest:And, you know, I'm still still kind of drunk at this point.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so we go up to my I said, well, why don't you just take me up to my hotel room?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just I'm this is very upsetting to me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you just walk me up there.
Guest:I wasn't in trouble.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My assistant.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So she walked me all the way up alone.
Guest:And I basically, you know, we started making out.
Guest:And no kidding, I threw her down on the bed, gun and all.
Guest:She was all suited up.
Guest:I'm talking, full regalia.
Guest:Hat.
Guest:Outfit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:Bulletproof vest.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Everything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it all came off.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All came off.
Guest:But not all the way off.
Guest:Like her pants were down on her knees.
Guest:And I fucked her.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I fucked the hell out of her.
Guest:And then I fucked her again later that night, I think.
Guest:And then the next morning she came back.
Guest:In the outfit again?
Guest:Under the guise of she needed to ask more questions.
Marc:Always in uniform.
Guest:So it just turned me on.
Marc:Yeah, I bet.
Guest:And then I left and I went home and my assistant stayed in jail.
Marc:Right.
Guest:But she...
Marc:Did you call him and say, look, I know you're in a tough space, but you remember that cop?
Marc:I fucked her.
Guest:Well, I fucked her and then she did me a solid and got him out.
Guest:Like she just got him out, no charges, nothing.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So, you know, it was like I was doing him a favor and...
Guest:getting my jollies.
Guest:It was a double win.
Guest:You didn't say like, do you know what I had to do?
Guest:No, no, she was hot.
Guest:It was a win-win situation.
Guest:And then she was just having trouble with her marriage and she would email me and call me.
Marc:Really, that sounds so unusual to me that she's fucking you in a hotel room that there would be problems at home.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I guess her husband, I don't know what was going on, but recently she tried to get in contact with him.
Marc:Is she divorced now?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:She needs to come to LA because I don't really like New Orleans.
Guest:It's a pretty amazing place.
Guest:It's neat, and it's fun when it's on film, but every time I go, I just get really, really sad.
Guest:I get that the Katrina thing gets me.
Guest:It's still devastating.
Marc:It just breaks my heart.
Marc:Well, let's talk in retrospect here, just to close things out.
Marc:Do you have any regrets?
Guest:Yeah, too many to count.
Guest:In fact, you know what somebody tweeted?
Guest:I told people today on my Twitter, which is, by the way, at Andy Dick.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:And I love it.
Guest:I'm into it, especially with my new iPhone.
Guest:Yeah, I like it.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:And I block people.
Guest:I block them if they're just outright mean.
Guest:And I warned my followers today.
Guest:I said, listen, I block haters.
Guest:unless what you're saying is really, really funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And somebody wrote, there was a string of three days where people kept writing into me, writing and writing and going, I follow Andy because, and some of them are super nice.
Guest:Some of them are super funny and some of them are just downright mean.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But this one was a little mix.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was funny, mean, and, and, and true.
Yeah.
Guest:Kind of true.
Guest:It's 50-50.
Guest:Sounds like the best kind of joke.
Guest:I retweeted it.
Guest:I did not block this guy.
Guest:And I retweeted it.
Guest:And it relates to your question.
Guest:It said, I follow.
Guest:It's just funny.
Guest:It's really mean.
Guest:I can't believe I retweeted it.
Guest:I follow Andy Dick because his breath smells like semen and regret.
Guest:Hmm.
Guest:You like that one?
Guest:It's not true.
Guest:It's 50-50 because the regret part is true.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I don't really take semen in my mouth.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just don't.
Guest:I don't like, like I said, it's to this day.
Guest:I remember when I was 12.
Marc:It's hard to get down, right?
What?
Guest:Well, you would know.
Guest:I mean, what do you do now?
Guest:Have you ever had a homosexual experience?
Marc:No.
Marc:I do know that when girls go like, I've had a couple women who would spit things out.
Guest:I just don't like the smell of it since day one when I was gagging and I almost threw up at the smell of my own sperm.
Guest:I still don't like it.
Guest:I don't mind getting it on me.
Guest:You can get it all over me.
Guest:But I just don't like the smell and I don't want it in my mouth.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, now, do you think that if you were able to sort of patch up these things or unburden yourself from your regrets that you would feel better or perhaps have more success at not drinking?
Guest:Well, I don't know if I'd have more success in not drinking.
Guest:I'd have more success.
Guest:I'd have more success in the industry.
Guest:If I, if I, if I didn't drink and there, you know, I don't regret drinking, but I regret sometimes over drinking.
Guest:And I regret some of the times, you know, the blackout times that we talked about earlier.
Guest:There's, there's a lot of thing.
Guest:There's too many to count.
Guest:And I, I,
Guest:I will say that if you don't have regrets in your life, you're kind of not really living.
Marc:No, I agree with that.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:And I honestly think that you're, you know, of the devils I've met, you're a very good hearted one.
Marc:And, and I think.
Guest:You think I'm a little, I'm a little, oh, am I like, like the kind of like, you little devil.
Guest:Like that kind.
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:So, but I'm not evil.
Guest:Some people think I'm evil and I'm really not.
Marc:No, I don't think you're evil.
Marc:I think that where that comes from is that when you do get, you know, beside yourself and drunk and in blackouts that you do things that are, you know, maybe inconsiderate or might hurt other people.
Marc:I agree.
Marc:So you're not evil, but you have weaknesses that lead to a certain amount of damage.
Guest:You hit it right on the nose.
Guest:Yes, that is true.
Marc:And I just, you know, I don't want you to hurt yourself and I think you seem like you're well and it's certainly lovely talking to you.
Guest:I love, this was fantastic.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Thanks for coming.
Marc:Okay, that's it.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:That's Crazy Andy.
Marc:I don't want to say that.
Marc:That's sweet, troubled Andy.
Marc:Can we say that?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:If you were listening to some of the bumper music today, exclusively to be used as bumper music is a band called Family History.
Marc:You can check them out at Facebook.com slash Family History Band.
Marc:Also, as always, go to WTFPod.com.
Marc:New site is on the way.
Marc:New site is on the way.
Marc:Get on that mailing list.
Marc:Go to the merch.
Marc:Order some mugs or some shirts or some posters.
Marc:Check out the new shirt, the Cat Negotiation shirt.
Marc:That's a funny one.
Marc:I swear to God it is.
Marc:Also, you can go to WTFPod shop.
Marc:A lot of people are doing this and getting some of those older episodes.
Marc:The Judd Apatow two-parter, the Mencia two-parter, the Robin Williams, the Louis C.K.
Marc:two-parter.
Marc:I believe we've, what else we got up there?
Marc:Attell.
Marc:Go check it out.
Marc:You can also find that stuff if you search for WTF Premium on iTunes.
Marc:Some of those older classic episodes.
Marc:Can I say that about my own shit?
Marc:It's classic?
Marc:I don't think so.
Marc:That would have to mean that my entire life pre a year ago is classic.
Marc:And I don't know if I would call it that.
Marc:But do that stuff.
Marc:Go to punchlinemagazine.com for some stand-up info.
Marc:Is that enough?
Marc:Man.
Marc:God, I need to sleep.
Marc:My body has no idea what day it is.
Marc:And I'm not clear who I am.
Marc:But that might have had something to do with talking to Andy Dick for an hour.
Marc:Alright, I gotta go.
Marc:I think I can sleep.
Marc:Can I?
Marc:I'm sleepy.
Marc:I should have left.
Marc:Still here.
Marc:Alright, bye.