Episode 17 - Listener Email / Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest 3:Lock the gates!
Guest 2:Are we doing this?
Guest 2:Really?
Guest 2:Wait for it.
Guest 2:Are we doing this?
Guest 2:Wait for it.
Guest 2:Pow!
Guest 2:What the fuck?
Guest 2:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest 2:What's wrong with me?
Guest 2:It's time for WTF!
Guest 2:What the fuck?
Guest 2:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, what the fuckers, let's do this.
Marc:On the show today, Greg Fitzsimmons is going to be with me.
Marc:And I was with him, as some of you know, on his podcast and his show a week or so ago.
Marc:But we also put a podcast for my show in the can the same day.
Marc:So if you have a recollection of what his was like, this is the other bookend.
Marc:So that should be good.
Marc:You know, I promised you an email show.
Marc:I think it's a good idea.
Marc:I'm getting a lot of emails, and I'm getting the kind of emails that I think should be acknowledged and recognized.
Marc:I appreciate you corresponding with me.
Marc:I am definitely open to it.
Marc:As some of you know, I will respond back to you.
Marc:I don't know if that happens very often, but because I get a lot of emails from people that are like, I've never written a fan mail email, I've never written anybody email,
Marc:I appreciate what you're doing.
Marc:I think it's important that we address the audience and make it one big, happy, crazy, dysfunctional, fucked up family of what the fuckers.
Marc:Before we get into the emails, let me say that, hold on, I got it.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:You know, I want my coffee fix.
Marc:I want to fill my freezer with pounds of, hold on, here we...
Marc:Pow!
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I think I feel something churning in my bowels.
Marc:Justcoffee.coop.
Marc:Justcoffee.coop.
Marc:You can also reach that link at wtfpod.com.
Marc:And if you put WTF in the coupon box, you will get a 10% discount off of coffee.
Marc:Also, you can get merchandise.
Marc:We got the merch up there at WTF pod.
Marc:Some pretty attractive looking T-shirts.
Marc:I'm getting stickers.
Marc:Things are exciting.
Marc:And again, as always, want to thank you for the donations.
Marc:Want to thank you for the subscriptions.
Marc:Let's get into the emails.
Marc:I've got a stack of emails here.
Marc:I wanted to focus on those.
Marc:I've sort of separated them into general and into what the fuck stories.
Marc:Let's see what we get through.
Marc:These these first ones I'll read, I guess what I would call general.
Marc:This is from Chanel in Georgia.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:Just heard the interview with Caroline, quote, baby happy, unquote, Ray.
Marc:We now have a new game where my friends and I down a shot every time she says the word baby.
Marc:Oh, the humanity.
Marc:Well, you know, I see that happen with a lot of people.
Marc:Chanel, they have a baby and that becomes everything.
Marc:They talk about all they do.
Marc:And the one thing I like about Caroline is that she didn't, she doesn't have that attitude of like, look, I've done something great.
Marc:Can't you just put everything in your life aside because I have a baby?
Marc:I mean, I lost, I lost my brother to kids.
Marc:I mean, it's, it's ridiculous.
Marc:You have friends that they have kids.
Marc:I'm glad they're enjoying their kids.
Marc:I'm glad they think they're doing something important, but, uh,
Marc:Can you spare a few minutes to talk to me?
Marc:Would that be OK?
Marc:All right.
Marc:This one subject line fan.
Marc:Dear Mark, just finished listening to the live cast from L.A.
Marc:and picked myself up from laughing on the floor 20 minutes later.
Marc:You've got to do more of these.
Marc:I'll try to send money to help.
Marc:Sometimes I think I'm the only one out there, but the audience lets me know it's OK to embrace Twisted from Rhett in Seattle.
Marc:We are going to do some more at UCB.
Marc:I will tell you when.
Marc:I'm hoping to get Dana Gould and Maria Bamford involved in the next one.
Marc:It was a good time.
Marc:I'd never done it before.
Marc:I'm glad it sounded so good.
Marc:A lot of people dug it.
Marc:All right, subject line.
Marc:Hey, dear Mark, first of all, I love your podcast.
Marc:I find it funny, but I had a what the fuck moment involving you.
Marc:A few weeks ago, I was driving to Lake George and I made it to Worcester.
Marc:Is that in upstate New York, Brendan?
Guest 5:I don't know.
Marc:Worcester?
Marc:I thought it was Worcester.
Marc:Lake George.
Marc:Huh.
Marc:Well, anyways, I was driving to Lake George.
Marc:I made it to Worcester or Worcester, and I turned on your podcast a few minutes into it.
Marc:I felt a sensation in my tummy.
Marc:We stopped at a McDonald's, and a few days later, I confirmed that your podcast gives me diarrhea.
Marc:But I still listen and deal with the bowel trouble.
Marc:From Evan, age 13, Andover, Mass.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I'm glad I can have that effect on people.
Marc:You know, you move people in weird ways.
Guest 5:I'm guessing that person was driving through Worcester if they're from Massachusetts.
Marc:Yeah, it's okay.
Marc:But Lake George is in upstate New York.
Marc:All right, so he must have been coming up.
Marc:But I thought Worcester was south of Andover.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I'm just saying that, look, if you can reach one person, if just one person gets you, then you're a failure.
Marc:No, I'm glad I have that effect on you.
Marc:If I can loosen people's bowels, that's a gift.
Marc:It's a gift.
Marc:Greetings from the Red Canuck.
Marc:Mr. Mark Maron, Mr. Maron and friends, people in Canada often ask what the fuck to, especially when it concerns our southern neighbors ideas of human decency and health care.
Marc:I'm talking about the USA.
Marc:If you didn't know, Canada is that large schizophrenic constitutional monarchy above and beside your fractured republic.
Marc:God save the queen.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Kind regards, Fred from Ontario.
Marc:Thank you, Fred.
Marc:We're doing what we can.
Marc:We're doing what we can.
Marc:All right, here's an interesting question.
Marc:Why no black people?
Marc:It seems to me that comedy is really segregated.
Marc:Jews, blacks, white trash, they never seem to mix.
Marc:I mean, clearly there are exceptions.
Marc:Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy.
Marc:But I bet you wouldn't have Cat Williams on your show.
Marc:Just an observation.
Marc:And for the record, I hate Cat Williams.
Marc:Fernand in Austin.
Marc:I have reached out to a few of my black comedian friends.
Marc:And Wyatt Sinek was going to do the show.
Marc:He fell ill.
Marc:Hannibal Buress is a little tired.
Marc:Keith Robinson bailed on me.
Marc:It's not in lack of trying.
Marc:And to be honest with you, I like Cat Williams.
Marc:I like Cat Williams.
Marc:I like his attitude.
Marc:I like his angle.
Marc:And I don't know why you wouldn't like Cat Williams.
Marc:All right, this one.
Marc:Subject line.
Marc:Asshole read.
Marc:That will always get me to read an email.
Marc:Mark, what the fuck?
Marc:Also can be used as why the fuck or when the fuck.
Marc:Yes, I know.
Marc:In this case, why the fuck are you telling me about the stupid shit in your garage?
Marc:Also, I don't blame you for asking for donations.
Marc:Your podcast has become popular, but it already sounds different.
Marc:Like you were trying to do hard.
Marc:It's much better when it sounds like the closet project you waste all your time on that you are praying will pan out.
Marc:I need that doubt in you, Mark.
Marc:It makes you more entertaining.
Marc:Also, I write you a serious email expecting a response, yet you're more concerned with shitting back and forth with people who think you suck.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:You suck.
Marc:Happy?
Marc:Now answer my last email.
Marc:I know you have enough time on your hands, you burly douche.
Marc:Blake.
Marc:Yeah, Blake, I'll get right back to you.
Marc:Subject line, my what the fucks.
Marc:Mark, man, what's up?
Marc:Yeah, I'm Canadian, but no, you don't have fans in Canada.
Marc:Maybe you'll change that.
Marc:I'm a student about to graduate at WSU in Washington State, a biochem major, and I love the podcast.
Marc:My what the fucks.
Marc:And here's a little list, which I kind of liked.
Marc:Having to take Spanish to acquire a degree in science.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Why all the Facebook surveys, people?
Marc:You are not cool, and survey will never tell you the truth that you are an asshole.
Marc:Why is there an African-American fixation with Kool-Aid?
Marc:I'm not a racist, just observant.
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:Mishnah Wolf, you're not funny, but you're semi-hot, which is the worst.
Marc:Saw a homeless guy using a pizza box for a briefcase.
Marc:Megan in Bio 480, you know you want me.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:P.S.
Marc:Don't be so fucking insecure.
Marc:You're funny, man, but sometimes you come off as though you think you're not.
Marc:Quit sweating it and just own it.
Marc:Or maybe that's just part of your bit.
Marc:Not trying to be your mother, but it's driving me fucking nuts.
Marc:Anyways, good hustle.
Guest 3:Good hustle.
Marc:I think the Kool-Aid thing is a socioeconomic thing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So, yeah, try to be a little more sensitive.
Marc:What's the...
Marc:What's the other one?
Marc:Crystal Light or the... Sunny D. Sunny D, yeah.
Marc:Okay, no subject in the subject line.
Marc:I no longer subscribe to my local newspaper because I read my news online and it seemed environmentally wasteful to have just the papers piling up and then going directly to recycling.
Marc:And I'm now donating $5 a month to your podcast.
Marc:I realize that after a year, I will know more about your cat, Monkey, than I will about my local schools, governments, etc.
Marc:I'm not sure this is the direction the world should be going.
Marc:Big fan in Seattle, Tom Riley.
Marc:Thank you, Tom.
Marc:And Monkey, by the way, is doing well.
Marc:He made the transition back to California, and he's still a happy cat.
Marc:I'm going to keep him indoors because I'm playing favorites, and I don't want him to get eaten by coyotes, even if it does bum him out.
Marc:Fonda is on her own.
Guest 5:That cat, though, has like a racing stripe.
Guest 5:I think that if he was in trouble, he would just take off.
Marc:Yeah, I don't know.
Marc:It's just I just I don't know.
Marc:You get attached and it's not so big a deal to keep them inside.
Marc:And a lot of cat people are like, dude, because I say like they're indoor outdoor.
Marc:If they get in by coyotes, you know, that's just the way it goes.
Marc:They're animals.
Marc:And I got emails like, you know, no, that means you're a bad cat owner.
Marc:And it's like, I don't know.
Marc:Wait, you're bad for letting them out?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 5:Don't most, I thought most cat people were against the idea of house cats.
Guest 5:Like they wanted them to be able to be free.
Marc:I'm against the idea of house cats.
Marc:You ever seen fat, sad fucking house cats that are held hostage to people's like sad needs and they just become these manifestations?
Guest 5:The worst is seeing those cats like look out a window.
Marc:Oh, yeah, because you're just sitting there like, oh, look at it, dreaming of running free or chasing a bird, and all it's got is what's left of that fucking fake mouse.
Guest 5:That fake mouse, they take all their aggression out on it.
Guest 5:It's like Hannibal Lecter.
Guest 5:They dissect it.
Guest 5:There's little guts of fake mouse all over your house.
Marc:And you're like, what happened to the tail and the plastic eyes?
Marc:Uh-oh.
Yeah.
Marc:Podcast greeting.
Marc:First of all, I love your podcast.
Marc:I am officially addicted.
Marc:I've managed to listen to all 12 episodes in two and a half days.
Marc:Secondly, I like that I'm now considered a what the fuck Easter.
Marc:And I think it's bullshit that you can't say what the fuck Aryans.
Marc:So in lieu, you could use what the fuck Terrians.
Marc:I'd love to hear what else you can come up with.
Marc:What the fuck Tuplets, maybe?
Marc:Last 11 music choices, Brendan.
Marc:Thanks, Erica.
Marc:What the fuck Tuplets?
Marc:Fine, Erica.
Marc:You're a what the fuck Tuplet.
Marc:Hey, Mark, been following your podcast?
Marc:No, that's Jimmy Pardo's podcast.
Marc:Been following your podcast for a few weeks now, and they really helped me through my boredom.
Marc:You're funny and everything, and my mom thinks so too.
Marc:Ha ha.
Marc:People over here have never really heard of you, and I found you on YouTube a while ago, but now I have a bunch of my friends hooked to your podcast too, so we'd really appreciate it if you give a big shout out to everyone in Calcutta.
Marc:calcutta following your podcast oh and i'm moving to the states in january and i really want to meet you to just get an autograph or just be able to say hey you know what i've met mark maron have you thanks a bunch and keep what the fucking mona calcutta dude i got emails from taipei from sydney australia we got an email from a guy who is uh patrolling bagdad yeah
Guest 5:Yeah.
Guest 5:And what about there was one from someone in Saudi Arabia to Saudi Arabia who liked the rape joke.
Marc:And it took me a while.
Marc:Like, what rape joke is he talking about?
Marc:And it was, I think, the what was it?
Guest 5:It was with the flamer with Troy Conrad.
Marc:Oh, by the way, people, you know, Troy Conrad, Troy Conrad is Troy Conrad.
Marc:If you don't know whether he's real or not, that's on you.
Marc:OK, now here's some what the fuck stories.
Marc:Because a lot of this stuff isn't necessarily funny, but because of the technology, people can get this from all over the world.
Marc:And I'm getting these dispatches, which are pretty...
Marc:My life is pretty small and there's a lot of things I haven't done.
Marc:I've not climbed Everest.
Marc:I've not bungee jumped.
Marc:I haven't jumped out of a plane because I'm one of those people where, you know, some days it's pretty harrowing just going outside and I can only take so much adventure.
Marc:But this one is just a subject line.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:I just found your podcast while looking for some fun show to keep my English in shape while I'm at home in Columbia.
Marc:I have one what the fuck moment for you.
Marc:Out of many that plagued this city, I went downtown for some university work.
Marc:It was about a documentary we had to make about the culture in downtown Medellin.
Marc:The things we saw in a day showed us how crime was totally out of control in this place.
Marc:We arrived at the San Antonio Park.
Marc:My dad was mugged there two weeks ago and thrown downstairs.
Marc:And we found out why.
Marc:The thieves and the police are buddies and they both rule the park like kings.
Marc:I couldn't believe my eyes.
Marc:They were actually talking like they were brothers.
Marc:I swear that if I had a telescopic microphone, they would be discussing who was paying for the rum that night.
Marc:About an hour after that, we saw a robbery.
Marc:Some guys jumped another right in front of everyone and nobody did a thing.
Marc:One policeman saw it and caught them, made them sit in some stairs for 30 minutes, and then they just walked away and back to the same.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Who are they?
Marc:They're siblings?
Marc:Are they getting half the damn bounty?
Marc:Not more than a month ago, my uncle and I were caught on a corner to corner crossfire and I might have taken cover on an old fat lady because I don't even remember well where the hell I did.
Marc:I'd have frozen there and would have been pierced like Swiss cheese if I didn't have basic military training.
Marc:We wanted to make a positive documentary about the city, but we almost had our camera stolen.
Marc:This country is so beautiful and a good part of the population is so friendly that it's sad to see how all those criminals make it hell to live on here.
Marc:Totally uncontested.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Keep up the good work, Mark.
Marc:I'll promote your podcast here to everyone who will listen as long as they understand English, of course.
Marc:Good night, Simon.
Marc:And as long as they're not dead.
Marc:Man.
Marc:I mean, like the idea that someone's listening to this patrolling Baghdad and then the idea that this guy's walking outside, you know, caught in some sort of drug crossfire and the entire system is corrupt.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Thanks, Simon.
Marc:Be careful.
Marc:Oh, this one's kind of funny because this is the most this is what the fuck experience.
Marc:This is the most what the fuck experience I've ever had.
Marc:I can't explain it without getting to Cormac McCarthy and asking him directly.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:This is crazy.
Marc:Years ago, I wrote an essay for an English exam.
Marc:No doubt the result was garbage, but the story was essentially this.
Marc:A young boy and an old man get into a rowboat and cross a bay to opposite shore.
Marc:On the beach, they fish, they beach comb.
Marc:I forget.
Marc:They spend the better part of the day separated from the crowd.
Marc:They return before darkness falls, and the main point I made at the end of my short story was that they had not spoken to each other throughout.
Marc:That was the major point.
Marc:For some reason, that has always stuck in my head to this day.
Marc:They didn't speak.
Marc:Anyway...
Marc:Recently, I read Cormac McCarthy's The Road.
Marc:Brilliant book.
Marc:Just beautiful.
Marc:But 12 pages into the book, I read a passage where an old man and his young nephew row across a lake to a beach on the opposite shore where they search for firewood.
Marc:They returned before dark.
Marc:And then this line, quote, neither of them had spoken a word, unquote.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:I kid you not.
Marc:I googled the shit of McCarthy.
Marc:Did he grade exams in Ireland years ago?
Marc:How did he come up with that little passage?
Marc:I kind of freaked out a little.
Marc:I asked my dad what he thought of it.
Marc:He said, quote, never underestimate the power of coincidence, end quote.
Marc:There you have it.
Marc:Never underestimate the power of coincidence, Patrick, from the Snack Green Sea.
Marc:He's done some archiving for us.
Marc:Patrick, I think really what has happened here is that Cormac McCarthy has stolen your idea.
Marc:That no one has ever thought about two people getting in a boat and going anywhere and not speaking.
Marc:And I think that you should take as much time as necessary to track down Cormac McCarthy, perhaps email him, accuse him of stealing your idea and that you want to be compensated somehow.
Marc:I think this should be your life's work.
Marc:All right, this is a good one.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Anyway, here, a recent moment that I experienced.
Marc:I work at a sort of hip, trendy computer store.
Marc:You probably know the one.
Marc:A wide variety of people come in, including celebrities of sorts, whether it be NBA basketball players, musicians in town while on tour, or like yesterday, a porn star.
Marc:The famous porn star Jessie Jane lives in my area, and apparently she comes into the store somewhat frequently, but yesterday was the first time I had dealt with her.
Marc:Her massive tattooed husband was also present.
Marc:After I'd finished with her transaction, she gave me her business card.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:I have no idea why or what she expected me to do with it, but I assume it couldn't possibly be a common practice for her to give that out to the random people who sell her things.
Marc:Cheers, Cameron.
Marc:Cameron, you better call.
Marc:You better call and find out what's up.
Marc:Maybe this is your big break.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Is Cameron a boy's name or a woman's name?
Marc:It could be both.
Marc:So I don't know where this stands, but... I think we've got the plot of the next film.
Guest 5:Yeah.
Guest 5:My computer doesn't work.
Guest 5:Who should I call?
Guest 5:Ding, ding, ding.
Guest 5:Hey, I'm here.
Guest 5:Oh, I forgot to wear my pants.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, by the way, does my iPhone make videos?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:We're in luck.
Marc:Let's do this.
Marc:I once saw a porn star at the airport and I'm not a proud porn guy, so I don't, you know, hobnob with porn stars or I still have some shame about about the fact that I indulge in porn occasionally.
Marc:And there was this one porn star that at this point in my life I was fairly taken with for some reason.
Marc:And I saw her at an airport and I'm not generally starstruck because I met a lot of celebrities, but I had not really met a porn star.
Marc:Who was the porn star?
Marc:I can't remember.
Marc:It was a while back.
Marc:But I didn't know what to do because I really wanted to say something.
Marc:You know, I really wanted to, like, you know.
Marc:But, I mean, what did you, like, what do you say?
Marc:Like, oh, my God, I can't.
Marc:The way, when you take it in the ass and then suck it after, I mean, that is fucking amazing.
Marc:You're taking it to another level.
Marc:can we use that on the podcast what have you what have you uh approached her in the way that some annoying fans approach people like you know i really like the stuff you do but that one movie you made i just totally wasn't feeling it yeah what was going on with that one i mean you didn't seem into it no i i actually what i said was hey i you know i'm a fan of your work
Marc:Like it was John Gielgud or somebody.
Marc:Oh, such an idiot.
Marc:I'm glad that's behind me.
Marc:Oh, this one was pretty good.
Marc:What the fuck on the soccer field?
Marc:So I'm helping my son's soccer league out by volunteering as a line ref.
Marc:Pretty cool because you actually get to know what the game is about.
Marc:What with all the offsides and tripping and corner kicks and all.
Marc:Deal is you have to run up and down the sideline and help out the ref when the ball goes out of bounds by indicating which team gets to throw in.
Marc:Easy enough.
Marc:Well, with all the running back and forth, the league has a rule that spectators need to stand five feet from the sideline.
Marc:All as well as my son's match gets underway.
Marc:I'm running around doing my thing when I notice this guy and his son standing right on the sideline.
Marc:This has happened many times before, and usually I ask the parent nicely to step back so I have room.
Marc:Never been a problem before.
Marc:This time, after I asked the guy to give me room, he goes off like a bomb, and I quote, what the fuck?
Marc:I can stand anywhere I want, you fuck.
Marc:Now, I'm personally a huge fan of the repetition of the word fuck and calling someone you fuck.
Marc:I actually thought he was kidding and said something like, no, really, I need the room.
Marc:Without missing a beat, the guy says, do you want to live?
Marc:Do you like oxygen, you fuck?
Marc:The guy was actually threatening my life because I asked him to move back a foot or two.
Marc:I mean, what the fuck?
Marc:At this point, I decide he is one crazy motherfucker and I figure I better just ignore him, which only enrages him further.
Marc:The coach sees all this and goes up to the guy and says, hey, I need you to move back.
Marc:League rule, pal.
Marc:The guy takes it up a notch and says he's going to shoot me and he's going to remember my stupid fuck white ass face and shoot me.
Marc:I mean, what the fuck?
Marc:Coach says I should call the cops.
Marc:Yeah, that'll help.
Marc:Crazy man says I pushed his kid off the line, which I didn't, and he's going to shoot my fucking white ass.
Marc:The crazy guy starts cursing me in Spanish.
Marc:I know enough of the language to know he's saying shit in front of this kid that would make Rush Limbaugh blush or something funnier than that.
Marc:You can make something up.
Marc:You're the funny guy, right?
Marc:Anyway, I just thought I'd share.
Marc:Hope I'm not a headline someday.
Marc:Seriously, what the fuck?
Marc:Dig your show.
Marc:I've been podcasting off iTunes.
Marc:Excellent job.
Marc:That's scary, man, when someone just loses it.
Marc:People just get to the boiling point.
Marc:It's never about that situation.
Guest 5:Yeah, it was probably more about how that guy was a failure himself and he was angry that his kid was failing in soccer.
Marc:Here's something.
Marc:Mark, I've had it recently confirmed to me that the questionable massage parlor next to a restaurant I frequent is indeed one that permits handjobs at the end.
Marc:I've since found myself freakishly obsessed with its presence and not in a, I want to frequent the place and become their best customer kind of way, but more of a, what the fuck these things actually exist kind of way.
Marc:I mean, I've known about these types of places existing out there in the world, but for some reason or another, I find myself just kind of dumbfounded by the whole thing.
Marc:And it's a mother and daughter who own and operate it.
Marc:That could be contributing factor.
Marc:Anywho, that's been on my mind as of late.
Marc:Take care, Aaron.
Marc:Aaron, you're on a slippery slope.
Marc:It sounds to me that I'm not, I've never been to one of those places, but I know people that go to them.
Marc:And all I can say is that once you go and you realize like, eh, this isn't so bad and it seems pretty clean.
Marc:You know, no one's the wiser and there's nothing's really that dirty that you could be in.
Marc:So let me know how that pans out, buddy.
Marc:Here we go.
Marc:This subject line.
Marc:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:I've been struggling with my new feelings for about six months since I've been listening to you.
Marc:I started to realize that maybe I'm not alone.
Marc:I heard you on Greg's podcast.
Marc:That's Greg Fitzsimmons.
Marc:You said something that hit home.
Marc:You were talking about Reagan telling everyone to go out and, that was Bush though, to go out and buy something to which he said, get something between you and your feelings before you start to think.
Marc:Well, that's how I've been for the last 25 years.
Marc:I've traded my life to go work and get a giant house, 401k, cars, boats, and bikes.
Marc:One day I said to myself, all I do is work so I can pay for all my stuff.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:For the last several months, I've been selling off all the shit.
Marc:I canceled my cable, club membership, and all the other trappings of life.
Marc:I sold most of my stuff, and the home closes next week.
Marc:I'm down to one car, which gets great gas mileage.
Marc:I bought a small condo in downtown Minneapolis, which allows me to walk to several great places.
Marc:Some days I feel like I struggle with the decision.
Marc:I feel like I've given up.
Marc:I feel like I should just push forward.
Marc:Then I realize that's what they, insert whoever you want for they, want us to think.
Marc:They need us to keep feeding the machine and keep buying all the shit.
Marc:I'm sick of all the taxes.
Marc:I feel like we've been sold a bill of goods.
Marc:But as I look around, I keep seeing people play the game.
Marc:Is it me or do I just not want to play the game anymore?
Marc:And am I a quitter?
Marc:I hope not.
Marc:Anyway, this was written in haste and passion.
Marc:I'm not a writer.
Marc:Thanks for the message.
Marc:It made me feel like I was on the right path.
Marc:I believe I am.
Marc:I just want a simple life.
Marc:I guess time will tell.
Marc:Well, you know, thanks for that.
Marc:That's very thoughtful.
Marc:And certainly I deal with that every day.
Marc:I deal with it in not the same way.
Marc:I don't have all the trappings of that life.
Marc:It really does sometimes become unclear what the hell the point of everything is and why things are important.
Marc:And I tend to get into that area where every once in a while I can see the matrix.
Marc:I can really see the matrix.
Marc:And it should be so much simpler.
Marc:And it should be so much nicer.
Marc:And it should be so much easier.
Marc:And I think that things are complicated because of the system we're in needs to be fed.
Marc:I agree with you there.
Music.
Marc:So he listened to me on Greg Fitzsimmons and we did a, I did his show and then we taped his podcast.
Marc:And then after that we taped my podcast.
Marc:So here now is Greg Fitzsimmons and me.
Marc:So, my guest today on WTF is a guy I've known for a long time.
Marc:I've known him since we were children.
Marc:I knew him when he had a full head of hair, and he had one joke that I never forget, and I don't know if he still does it, but Greg Fitzsimmons is here.
Marc:Do you still do the joke where, you know, what you don't see, ladies, when you're giving us head, and then you do your hands like, yay!
Guest 4:You're being facetious when you say that.
Guest 4:I don't believe that you really liked that joke.
Marc:I did like that joke.
Guest 4:I don't believe that you did.
Guest 4:I remembered it.
Guest 4:You remembered it because you stood in the back of the room saying that's what a fucking shit joke that is.
Marc:You have so many ideas about me.
Marc:Why can't you let me be the new Mark?
Guest 4:Because you came out of the... That was like a Bill Maher interview with Bill Frist.
Guest 4:You come right out and you say something to make him uncomfortable.
Guest 4:No, I did not.
Guest 4:I know for a fact that you did not like that joke.
Marc:That's not true, Greg.
Guest 4:You liked that joke?
Marc:Yes, I liked that joke.
Guest 4:Why?
Marc:Because it was funny.
Marc:I don't believe that.
Marc:No, it was funny.
Marc:It was young.
Marc:I was trying to capture who we were 20 years ago.
Marc:It was different.
Marc:You have this idea about me.
Marc:I've always liked you, and I certainly like the comedy you do now better than what you used to do.
Guest 4:So do I. I hated the comedy I used to do.
Guest 4:I hated that joke.
Guest 4:I look back and cringe at that joke.
Marc:But the one thing that has changed for you is that, not unlike many of us, we figure out how to be funny.
Marc:And the one thing I never knew about you, you always had your shit together on stage.
Marc:You come from a broadcasting family, is that right?
Guest 4:Well, yeah, my father was in radio.
Marc:And he was the voice of Frankenberry?
Guest 4:He did a lot of commercials.
Guest 4:He did the National Enquirer.
Guest 4:He did Showtime for about 10 years, all the movies coming up next.
Guest 4:But he was an AM talk guy back with Jonathan Schwartz, talk radio, WNEW.
Marc:And the one thing I never knew about you until recently is that you are this seething, angry, malcontent.
Marc:Like, I always thought that of all the people, you always had a great demeanor, a great disposition.
Marc:You always were very together on stage, very polished.
Marc:And in the last few years, I run into you and you're like, I'm fucking losing my mind.
Marc:mind yeah and i and and the great thing about that to me is that you're talking about it on stage you've got an edge to you now you've matured as a comic you're being honest and yet you still think that i don't like you no no no i don't think you don't like me and i covered this in my podcast which by the way you should mention we are we are simulcast i'm sorry yes this is a simulcast it's not a real simulcast but we just did greg's uh podcast and that's available where
Guest 4:That's a Fitzdog dot com.
Marc:And you can get me obviously at WTF pod dot com.
Marc:But I did his radio show.
Marc:And so now I'm in I'm in his house right now.
Marc:So if he seems to hijack the conversation, this is your house.
Guest 4:Now, this is your house.
Marc:Then it's that then that might happen.
Marc:Because he got very worked up during the podcast.
Marc:He forced me into a political corner.
Marc:And I'm going to try to bring him back down to the sweet man who's struggling.
Guest 4:No, I was trying to push you in an emotional corner.
Guest 4:I wanted to know the emotions behind your political beliefs.
Guest 4:I wanted to get you out of the political corner.
Guest 4:Well, I'll tell you honestly, because I... But just to follow up on that, I bring this up because when you talked about...
Guest 4:I think I described pretty aptly the dynamic you have with a lot of people, which is that you need conflict to feel what the connection is.
Guest 4:You test it.
Guest 4:And I guess, so I've never thought, not never, there's times where I thought you disliked me, but I think I was always pretty aware that because I'm a competitive person, I knew that a lot of it was resentment and I knew that it was actually probably healthy competition in a way.
Guest 4:But comedians, just by nature of what we do, are not meant to hang out and we're not factory workers who are getting the same shifts and doing the same thing.
Marc:But you know what's weird that as I get older is that what I realize is that we are all misfits and gypsies and weirdos.
Marc:We never fit in.
Marc:We never fit into regular social situations.
Marc:I wouldn't even know how to function in an office without getting a sexual harassment suit every two weeks.
Guest 4:But you wouldn't have known when we first knew each other that 20 years later, we would have shaken out as people that lasted.
Guest 4:If we did, I might have accepted you.
Guest 4:You might have accepted me more.
Guest 4:But early on, by sheer volume, you have to be competitive with people until you start to realize who's going to last.
Marc:But I'm just naturally like that.
Marc:And I think what I've learned now is that the more I appreciate what we do and the more I appreciate that, you know, I'm not going to be some, you know, social leader.
Marc:Some like I don't know what I was trying to do.
Marc:I just wanted to be understood and I wanted to be heard.
Marc:And I was much angrier and I've always been slightly political.
Marc:But what I realize now is that we we've pulled it off.
Marc:I mean, we've done an amazing thing in the sense that we sort of call our own shots.
Marc:We can say what we want in front of people.
Marc:No one's really telling us what to do.
Marc:And we've somehow gotten away with it.
Marc:So now when I sit down with a bunch of guys who are comics, I always loved it.
Marc:I love guys that can make me laugh.
Marc:And I've grown to like them even more because of what you're saying, that we did survive this thing.
Marc:And I don't know what the fuck's going to happen tomorrow.
Guest 4:We're so fucking similar.
Guest 4:The people that last this long, and I love that I don't know what we all have in common.
Guest 4:And it's certainly not that we all have the same political take, but there's some combination of and I think you and I are different in that my anger seems to be rising as yours is coming down.
Guest 4:And I think we may be matching up right now and hopefully I'm not continuing to go up.
Marc:So let's talk a little bit about that, Greg, in terms of in terms of your comedy, in terms of what you're doing up there now.
Marc:What?
Marc:Well, I mean, what is the thing that's driving your comedy the most?
Guest 4:It depends on the week.
Guest 4:I mean, I really do go from, I said it on the show earlier, this show has become my diary.
Guest 4:I mean, tracking whatever is going on in my life, I try to just bring it out.
Guest 4:This weekend I was on stage talking about gay marriage.
Guest 4:I'm very, if I can pick an issue I think I'm angriest about, it's being in a state where two people who have real human emotions are told that those are illegal.
Guest 4:And to me, it comes down to you are different than me.
Guest 4:If I can spin it so I'm better, I'm going to do that out of fear.
Marc:Or spin it so that you're wrong.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:It's ridiculous that people even give a shit.
Marc:It's like, isn't life hard enough?
Marc:I mean, the thing I just can never get my brain around, and which will never go away, is that people will believe what they will believe.
Marc:And if you fight with them, you can literally say to those people, like, look, science has proven that the world has been around long.
Marc:than you think it has.
Marc:And they can say, that's just words on paper.
Marc:The Bible is the truth.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:And there's nothing you can do to argue with that.
Marc:And really, in the most basic sense, that is dangerous delusion.
Guest 4:Well, a dangerous delusion to them is faith.
Guest 4:Faith to them is that they are able to leap over the gap into a book that was written a long time ago as fact.
Guest 4:They can imagine a boat filled with animals.
Guest 4:They can imagine a sea being parted and a man dying and rising.
Guest 4:Who wouldn't want to imagine that?
Guest 4:But they can't imagine that two human beings can love each other that are the same sex.
Guest 4:If they've shown anything, it's that they have a great imagination, and yet it stops short when it comes to human emotions.
Marc:It's not even theirs.
Marc:They're the imagination.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And I'm cynical, too.
Marc:I have coined the phrase that hope is faith-based denial.
Marc:And that I do have my cynical equations.
Guest 4:So you should sell T-shirts after you... I said this to Gibbons before you came in.
Guest 4:I said, Marin is a very layered person, but he's also highly quotable.
Guest 4:Like, you are able to actually crystallize a lot of your thoughts into great T-shirts, and I think you should sell them after your shows, but they should be really fucking, like, what is it?
Guest 3:Hope is faith-based denial.
Guest 4:That's a great T-shirt.
Guest 4:Really, I mean, on your website, for all the get-or-dones T-shirts and all that, if you had a line of 15 really kind of complex, pithy...
Marc:The other one that I've always liked is that most people aren't depressed, that in most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
Guest 4:I heard you do that in the improv, and I laughed out loud, and I might have been the only one, and you called me out on it.
Guest 4:And you thought I was laughing at you, and I wasn't.
Guest 4:I thought that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
Marc:T-shirts, man.
Guest 4:There's fucking huge money.
Guest 4:You think you make money on a podcast?
Guest 4:Guys that sell T-shirts make 50 grand a year on that shit, and it's no work.
Guest 4:They got companies that do it for you.
Guest 4:Your orders go in.
Guest 4:They got a factory.
Guest 4:They send them out.
Marc:All you get is a check.
Marc:But do you think that hope is faith-based denial is a T-shirt people would proudly wear?
Guest 4:I know they would.
Guest 4:I would.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:I know they would.
Guest 4:And the people that wear those kind of T-shirts, they want a little irony.
Guest 4:They want to look smart.
Guest 4:And they want to wear it under a flannel shirt when they go to a rock show.
Marc:That's weird.
Marc:I'm wearing a T-shirt right now that's of a butcher, a high-end butcher shop in San Francisco.
Marc:And I think on the back it says something like, what does it say about pig parts?
Marc:Tasty.
Marc:What is it, Mike?
Tasty.
Guest 2:Tasty salted pig parts.
Guest 4:Tasty salted pig parts.
Guest 4:Perfect for swine flu season.
Guest 4:But you know what?
Guest 4:It's almost like when I see the kids in Hollywood that buy vintage clothing.
Guest 4:Not only that, then they buy the hat that looks like they've been working on a truck.
Guest 4:And then they buy used work boots that you can see the steel tips showing through.
Guest 4:They're paying for somebody else's work.
Marc:I used to do a joke about that years ago.
Marc:Like, you know, when work shirts were really popular with the kids, this thing, it's like, check it out.
Marc:It says Bill on the pocket.
Marc:I said, wow, it used to belong to someone who had a job.
Guest 4:But these T-shirts, what do these kids want?
Guest 4:They want to look like they worked a blue collar job or they want to look like.
Marc:Well, you might as well look like it.
Marc:They aren't available anymore.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:And that's what's funny is you can't buy those in L.A.
Guest 4:anymore because they all got bought up by the kids coming in on trust funds.
Marc:How about the fucking pork pie hats?
Marc:Enough of that shit.
Marc:Oh, man.
Marc:I don't understand that about that whole thing.
Marc:It's like, how do you put a hat on that you know everyone else is wearing and think that you're doing something unique?
Guest 4:Gene Pompa gets away with it, and that's it.
Guest 4:It ends with Gene Pompa.
Marc:Well, I think Mexicans and old black men can wear them.
Guest 4:Yes.
Marc:But white guys can't.
Marc:You wear a cap occasionally, but I think you do it all right.
Marc:That's an Irish thing.
Guest 4:Yeah, I can wear it Irish, but my wife thinks it... Here's the thing about stand-up.
Guest 4:I really feel like I had a goatee for a while, and I feel like hats and goatees and glasses, anything that stands between me and the audience and me pretending I'm anything except a self-loathing middle-aged bald guy is hurting my comedy.
Marc:I need to feel uncomfortable out there.
Marc:I feel a lot of acceptance coming from you.
Marc:I mean, look at me.
Marc:I'm sporting a soul patch and a mustache, but I'll tell you, I'm very specific about my clothes, and I'm still not quite comfortable with the horn-rimmed glasses.
Marc:I really said I was never going to do this, and I'm wearing them.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:But I need glasses.
Guest 4:I've taken mine on and off 20 times, and I should have them on the entire time.
Guest 4:Do you have progressives now?
Guest 4:I bought them, but they say you've got to commit for a few weeks so your eyes get used to it, and I can't.
Marc:I finally did because I just can't take the reading thing anymore.
Guest 4:No, I got to where I was stretching my arm out, leaning my head back, and now that is officially out of range.
Marc:You just got to accept that stuff.
Marc:It's a weird thing as you get older that there's some things happening in my mind.
Marc:Some things are just fading.
Marc:I have these moments where I'm like, maybe Alzheimer's is a gift.
Marc:In the sense that, like, I can't... That's obviously... I don't mean that.
Marc:But I mean that as... No, but, yeah, your hard drive's got too much shit on it.
Marc:But I don't know that it has too much shit on it.
Marc:All I know is that some of the stuff is softening.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And it's a lot less of a burden to carry.
Guest 4:Yes.
Guest 4:I also think, like, when I see those comedians that, like, the Borscht Belt guys, Freddie Roman and Malzy Lawrence and Dick Capri...
Guest 4:And they go do these rooms like every time they ask me to do it.
Guest 4:Oh, this is perfect.
Guest 4:The Friars Club roast for we both did it.
Guest 4:And I was cut out entirely at Chevy Chase.
Marc:That was the worst night of my life.
Guest 4:I went on like third to last.
Guest 4:I think I was after Lisa Lampanelli and I bombed so bad.
Guest 4:They just stared at me.
Guest 4:And it was so bad.
Guest 4:Oh, it was fucking brutal.
Guest 4:And I looked at those guys like Freddie Roman who went up.
Guest 4:And, you know, you can the modern comic loves to mock that whole thing.
Guest 4:And you talked about it before with Jeff Ross.
Guest 4:He honors that tradition of joke telling and professionalism and doing it for the audience, which is why we're fucking there.
Guest 4:And I have such respect for those guys.
Guest 4:And then I think, thank God they're doing this Florida tour because these people don't remember the fucking jokes.
Guest 4:It's like a new show every year.
Guest 4:And that's funny.
Marc:I got flack for that because when I went on at the Chevy Chase roast, and I've talked about this a lot.
Marc:Did you make it on the air or were you cut out?
Marc:I did.
Marc:Because what happened was I was eating it like I'd never eaten it before.
Marc:I couldn't understand it.
Marc:And I'm not a roast guy.
Marc:If I'm insulting somebody, I mean it.
Marc:So I couldn't, like, I don't know how to do it, you know, with any sort of panache.
Marc:And I tried a couple jokes and it didn't fly.
Marc:And I literally said, oh, my God.
Guest 4:Wait, back up.
Guest 4:Explain the vibe with Chevy Chase that day and how the audience felt about it.
Marc:He was an unwilling participant.
Marc:He was doing everyone a favor.
Marc:They couldn't even find old friends of his to do it, except for Frank and, I think, did Lorraine Newman come?
Guest 4:Lorraine Newman was the only friend.
Marc:But all I know is that about two minutes into my set, I said, wow, I am fucking bombing.
Guest 4:It's noon in the Hilton.
Guest 4:Everyone's 75.
Marc:But that got a laugh.
Marc:And it got me a little bit of a toehold.
Marc:So a couple of jokes worked enough to get on the show.
Marc:And then Freddie Roman, who was interviewed about it afterwards, said in The Observer that, you know, my generation, what Marc Maron did, you know, we don't do that.
Marc:You don't acknowledge that.
Marc:And like, and I'm not sure I agree with him that, you know, you know, I understand the professionalism aspect, but if I'm going to get laughs and my act isn't doing it and I've got to sort of embrace the failure to begin to get the laughs, I'll fucking do it.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 4:Well, I don't mean it in that sense.
Guest 4:I just mean that when those guys do what they do, it is a commitment to a different form of comedy.
Marc:But also you're talking about time travel is that the people they're performing for remember them when they were young and they remember the rhythm of what they do.
Marc:You know, those guys are very specific.
Marc:They have a very sort of just barely post Borscht Belt rhythm that is very comforting to a generation of people that are very old right now.
Marc:And sure, why not?
Marc:It's like a nostalgia tour.
Guest 4:Where does Lisa Lampanelli fall into that?
Marc:Lisa Lampanelli I've always found made me incredibly uncomfortable, which I think is great.
Marc:Because when she first started out, I didn't really know what she was doing on stage, but I always remembered that there's something really fucking wrong with her.
Marc:And the way she would talk about fucking black guys, I was like, this is something raw and weird.
Marc:Like, it's not, you know, this is not something that's happened before.
Marc:And in the sense that, like, when I look at Lisa Lampanelli when she's talking to me, even when she's being nice to me, all I can see is so much rage behind those eyes that I feel it.
Marc:I am sensitive to that.
Marc:But I got to be honest with you.
Marc:I fucking respect that chick because I was at a show.
Marc:In Vancouver that she that she sold out.
Marc:She's got a huge the gay guys love her.
Marc:She's a big she's like baby Jane Hudson up there.
Marc:She's this this beast of a woman wearing baby Jane Hudson from whatever happened to baby Jane with Joan Crawford and Betty Davis.
Marc:Oh, you see it that that she wears these outlandish outfits and she's just this tank of a woman.
Marc:And she's all dolled up in this like insane diva attire.
Marc:And but but that is her shtick.
Marc:And the thing that I noticed that night and I hadn't felt it in years is that she throws away the moral compass to such a degree that there is a tangible sense of like, what the fuck is happening here?
Marc:Is this right?
Marc:Is it wrong?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Is it you know, and it's an electric thing that I've only felt I hadn't felt since Kenison.
Guest 4:Well, you know, it's similar.
Guest 4:Did you read outliers?
Guest 4:She's an outlier.
Guest 4:She comes in and one of the definitions of outliers is they come in and they don't respect the way it's been done.
Guest 4:They break those rules like a wrecking ball and they go in and they do a completely different in on the art or the craft that they're practicing.
Guest 4:I think Howard Stern's an outlier.
Guest 4:Did you read the book?
Marc:No, but I know what you're saying.
Marc:But the thing is that there are some things that she does do like other comics because her craft is very much in place.
Guest 4:But that's breaking one of the rules.
Guest 4:I mean, good comics respect other comics who don't sound like other comics, when in the scheme of things, we're all just, you know... But, you know, like, as a liberal, which you accuse me of being, and which I rightfully am, that I find... I think accused has a bad word.
Marc:I'm proud of being a liberal.
Marc:Yeah, me too.
Marc:But but the thing is, is that, you know, in terms of this world, in terms of like, you know, when you when you talk about Lampanelli or you talk about Jimmy Norton, is that even Dice Clay to a certain degree in Kennison, people that are outlandish and what would be called politically incorrect.
Marc:I find, you know, sometimes to be electric because when you can disassemble, you know, anyone's moral barometer that everybody's got a personal moral barometer, you know, whatever it's based on religion or just practicality, is that part of what they do is they destroy it.
Marc:And they take you to this other time zone where there's just nothing holding right or wrong together.
Marc:And that is incredibly engaging and incredibly entertaining.
Guest 4:But they have to be let in the door to do that.
Guest 4:And that's the difference.
Guest 4:People understand the comics that I dislike and I don't like Dice Clay.
Guest 3:Have you seen him lately?
Guest 4:Yeah, worse than ever.
Guest 4:Really?
Guest 4:I find that what he represents to me is deconstructing things without putting anything in its place.
Guest 4:He comes in and he wants to challenge what is a well-worn attack point, but there's no message at the end of it.
Guest 4:Like, Kinison was different.
Guest 4:Kinison took...
Guest 4:the styling and the presentation of a preacher, and he mixed it with a time that was becoming very politically correct, and he vigorously defended his right to put shit out about things that weren't allowed to be talked about.
Guest 4:There was an energy behind that.
Guest 4:Dice Clay just went up and tried to shock you, but he didn't have anything.
Marc:But when I see him now, he's just like this old weird Jewish guy just talking about his day.
Marc:And the weird thing that I noticed about Dice, like I had sat in the back of the room and I'd watched about 10 comics come on that could have been interchangeable.
Marc:And then he got up there and just started talking about going to Staples with his kid.
Marc:And the one thing I realized at that moment is that despite whatever you may think of him,
Marc:He's an original.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And his way of phrasing and his way of thinking about things.
Marc:Now, I don't care about shock comedy, but, you know, as a poetic force, he's a very peculiar guy.
Guest 4:Yes, but he is.
Guest 4:And he is when you're when you're looking at in the scheme of things.
Guest 4:But when you're sitting in the room watching him, you better you better hope he had a good fucking day.
Guest 4:You better hope he had a funny trip to Staples because he goes up there and he tells you about his fucking day.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I know.
Guest 4:So I guess what I guess what I'm saying is that when I see somebody who's got a burning desire to communicate his unexamined raw sewage, that to me is going to lead somewhere good.
Guest 4:But when somebody is going out to attack a crowd or society or mores and values because they're there, that's not interesting to me.
Guest 4:And it generally doesn't have legs.
Marc:And I think that's a fine place to end.
Guest 4:My guess has been- Ah, don't do that to me.
Guest 4:Why?
Guest 4:It was great.
Guest 4:Yeah, let's go out on a laugh.
Guest 4:It was a great button.
Guest 4:Really?
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:You're supposed to go like, so, Greg, you have a dog.
Guest 4:I mean, what kind of podcast is this?
Marc:It's one where we get to the heart of things.
Marc:And I think what you just saw happen is it's taken now two hours for Greg to get out of Radio Mind.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Was I in Radio Mind before?
Marc:No, but like when you get going, you start going-
Marc:No, but what I really want to say is, and then I'm sitting there going, what's happening?
Marc:Is he okay?
Marc:And then I realized that I've been there because when I hosted a radio show, which you just had to before we did this podcast.
Marc:So much more enjoyable on this side.
Marc:Yeah, before you did your podcast.
Marc:I remember when you're on the mic, this is the one thing that I learned from radio.
Marc:is that when you drive in a show, and I was driving a morning show, and that is no small task.
Marc:What, three hours a day?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, Jesus.
Marc:And when you're driving it, like, you know, when I used to do comedy, I'd go to the radio, and they'd be like, this guy's the biggest guy.
Marc:You know, and then you'd get in there, and you'd be like, this guy is?
Marc:And then, like, you know, and he was always on top of you.
Marc:Like, the ones that are a little insecure, that really run a market,
Marc:They're going to fucking control you.
Marc:They're going to steamroll you.
Marc:It takes a lot of experience to allow somebody stage.
Marc:But then after you do morning radio for a year, what I did is you realize that we are here at fucking four in the morning.
Marc:We are our own spaceship.
Marc:This little enclave that we have, these five guys that I'm working with, this is our world.
Marc:And when you come into it, you better fucking behave yourself.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:And, you know, I never felt the empathy that I have now for radio guys, because if you get someone in there who's not stepping up or they're not, you know, they're not taking your lead or they're not opening up or they're trying to steamroll you, you're like, you know, you're in our fucking house.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, you know, and you feel it because it's like we are, you know, we're driving people to work here.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:No, and you feel, like, as comedians especially, because we had a very visceral response to our jokes if they weren't working.
Guest 4:People would... It took me a long time to learn that.
Marc:And the weird thing about radio is it doesn't translate to the comedy thing.
Marc:Is that, like...
Marc:I was doing raw radio like I most of my political radio was me talking about my life.
Marc:And and the weird thing is, is that the people that listen to my podcast now and also the people that listen to the radio is because I'm so candid because I like doing that.
Marc:I like doing the the naked format is that you go.
Marc:They'll come to your shows.
Marc:And they'll listen to your comedy.
Marc:And you'll get off stage and be like, yeah, the act was fine.
Marc:But what's going on at the toilet?
Marc:Did you get that thing fixed?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You realize, holy shit, they know me better than my parents do right now.
Guest 4:No, I think it's like the movie screen makes everyone bigger.
Guest 4:And I find that people don't walk
Guest 4:up to movie stars the way they walk up to TV stars.
Guest 4:And they don't walk up to TV stars the way they fucking put their arm around radio people.
Guest 4:You are their friend.
Guest 4:You are at the same level as them.
Guest 4:It's a really nice... I like it.
Guest 4:When people call in... Yeah, I don't... I hate...
Guest 4:Being off stage after a comedy show and having people walk out and be intimidated to talk to me because I've just been spewing for 40 minutes straight without them being able to answer anything.
Guest 4:It's a weird, fucked up.
Guest 4:And when somebody calls in like you on my show earlier, I had two guys that call in almost every week and they're not necessarily the most compelling, interesting people.
Guest 4:But they listen every week and I just have this trust that, you know what, I know that they're, like you said, this is my fucking show and they're going to try.
Guest 4:They're going to call in and they're going to have a good question.
Guest 4:And I love that they're participating.
Guest 4:And I met one of them.
Guest 4:One of them drove from Tennessee to fucking Atlanta to my show.
Guest 4:And it was like I saw him and I didn't feel like he was a stalker and he didn't feel like I was a stalker.
Guest 4:It's fucking great.
Marc:Yeah, me too.
Marc:I mean, I get that all the time.
Marc:The relationships I've built with the audience on the radio have been so fulfilling to me because I have, like, I don't have boundaries anyway, so I'm not that great at it.
Marc:And it's almost a weird, awkward thing to me because these people come up to me with this, you know, like this very, like, you know.
Marc:Familiar.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And I just say, of course, yeah.
Marc:And I let them right in.
Marc:But it sort of, it almost hurts my feelings in the sense that, like, you know, I wish I knew them better because they know me.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, I have people, like, I have fans, like, I was up in San Francisco.
Marc:This is where I have had my life, and I don't know why, but I don't mind it.
Marc:One of my fans is, dude, he comes up to me after the show, he goes, me and my girlfriend bake you some cookies.
Marc:And they gave me the cookies, and I was like, that's so fucking sweet.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, there was a time in my life where, you know, like, we're the drugs, we're this and that, but I'm so not there anymore.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Marc:And I'm like, they know that I like to cook, and they know I talk about it, so they're like, here, we made these cookies.
Guest 3:That's awesome.
Marc:I fucking ate them all.
Marc:And they bring me jewelry, like bracelets.
Marc:They bring me amulets.
Marc:They bring me tapes.
Marc:And the thing is, is that the reason I love them is that they know me and they'll travel to see me too.
Marc:And I'll certainly make time for them.
Marc:And I'll talk to them like they're my best friends because on some level, the other side of the relationship is they are.
Marc:I just don't have time to get to know them as well as they might want to know me or as they know me, but I'll certainly hang out.
Guest 4:Well, that's the thing about when you carve out a career by just being honest again and again and again, indifferent, whether it's in your stand-up or on the radio or wherever, you're going to attract people that are predisposed to like you.
Guest 4:And it's very different than when you're playing, say, Lisa Lampanelli.
Guest 4:She told me she does not like talking to her fans after the show because she's presented them this
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:And now she's got to be that human being that's talking.
Guest 1:Right.
Guest 4:And it's a hard disconnect to match up.
Guest 4:And I find that, you know, I definitely enjoy meeting people from the radio more than I enjoy meeting somebody who saw me on Best Week Ever doing stuff I didn't really enjoy putting out necessarily.
Marc:Because there's no distance and the radio requires that you show up as you are, that you can't hide with this thing.
Marc:No.
Marc:And I don't want to.
Marc:But on stage, there's a context.
Marc:And if you don't hide, you better have a room full of radio fans or you're going to be in trouble.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:So you think that's a good place to end?
Guest 4:Yeah, I like that.
Guest 4:That was a gentle, elegant dismount.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's Greg Fitzsimmons.
Marc:We can't really plug anything because I'm not sure when we're going to air this, but it was certainly great talking to you.
Marc:And your show is at where?
Guest 4:Fitzdog.com with a Z. And thank you.
Guest 4:This was a good share.
Guest 4:This was Cubism.
Guest 4:This was podcast Cubism.
Guest 4:We did it.
Guest 4:Back to back.
Guest 4:Thanks a lot.
Guest 4:Thank you.
Marc:Okay, it's my pleasure to introduce a new segment on the show.
Marc:I had no idea that this was going to yield the response that it has gotten, but this segment is called... This is, of course, in honor of DeBeat Mix's post on the iTunes review board.
Marc:This segment is formally called Know This Crap About Jew Stuff, and that's N-O.
Marc:Know This Crap About Jew Stuff.
Marc:All right, so I've got a couple of emails here.
Marc:Well, actually, they're both posts.
Marc:One was on the site where the podcast is, and the other one was on iTunes.
Marc:Okay, this first one.
Marc:Yeah, I put this post in episode 12, but thought it belongs here, too.
Marc:Sorry for the redundancy factor.
Marc:So this is something this guy thought he should post twice.
Marc:Your story about having your dick in the doctor's hand was hilarious.
Marc:I'm a hypochondriac, too.
Marc:But, dude, don't wonder that people like Beat Mix or whatever he called...
Marc:is criticizing you on the Jew thing.
Marc:It seems like you were just emphasizing Jews in society all the time.
Marc:Jews in comedy, a Jew's life, a Jew growing up, etc.
Marc:I'm an atheist.
Marc:I don't identify with a religion.
Marc:I grew up in New York City.
Marc:Don't you think you are alienating some of you listeners?
Marc:I mean, let's be honest.
Marc:Jews are a minority in this country.
Marc:The reason I won't donate is because I feel a bit of reverse discrimination when listening to your podcast.
Marc:I
Marc:Though I enjoy listening to your podcast, I'm getting a bit tired of all this Jew shit.
Marc:The same way I would get tired of a lot of Christian shit or Muslim shit.
Marc:Really?
Marc:It's annoying.
Marc:You wondered in episode 15 why people don't leave the Jews alone.
Marc:It's because of people like you who keep pushing the word Jew up in front and center.
Marc:Do you know what I mean?
Marc:People like you are the problem.
Marc:You draw attention to the separation of what you complain about.
Marc:Why can't you just be a comedian?
Marc:Why do you have to be a Jew comedian?
Marc:Now, therein lies the rub.
Marc:A Jew comedian.
Marc:not just a jewish comedian i mean i'm a fucking web designer when i introduce myself i don't call myself a hungarian american web designer or a fucking protestant but really atheist web designer i mean what the fuck mark maron stop being that constant jew guy be the i am a fucked up hypochondriac why am i not successful guy much funnier much more broader
Marc:Now, all of this aside, I don't know what kind of diplomacy this guy thinks he's engaging in.
Marc:But I think once you say I'm getting a bit tired of all this Jew shit, you might cross a line the same way I get tired of Christian shit or Muslim shit.
Marc:OK, but I got to be honest with you.
Marc:If you were to introduce yourself as a Hungarian American fucking web designer, I would be much more fucking interested in what you had to say.
Marc:That's just me.
Marc:And I'm not that defensive.
Marc:I see Jewishness as a culture.
Marc:And I think that a lot of the Jewishness has been removed from comedy because I think the advent of medication stifled a lot of those voices.
Marc:And I think a lot of times when you have a sort of neurotic Jewish bent, people are like, why is he just on medicine?
Marc:He could be on medicine and be better.
Marc:But this is the sort of tone that I get.
Marc:These are people that are like, you know, I got no problem with Jews, but stop with the Jew shit.
Marc:But the other one, this is a good one, too.
Marc:This is on the iTunes review board, and the title is Great But... Okay, he gives it four stars, and this is why.
Marc:Of course, I do not want to give this show five stars because it's a little annoying how often he inserts his Jewish identity.
Marc:I have nothing against Jews.
Marc:The only best friends I seem to have tended to be Jewish.
Marc:That's a past tense there, I might add.
Marc:The they never had to tell me they were Jewish several times to ad nauseum, though.
Marc:So I lose a star because of the Jew thing.
Marc:So I'm assuming that may be a yellow star of David that I'm to put on my clothing somewhere.
Marc:So is that I won't have to talk about it, but I could easily be identified as a Jew.
Marc:Again, I appreciate all this input.
Marc:It's very helpful that you people who claim to not be anti-Semitic in any way and will defend your side of it ultimately end up being extraordinarily anti-Semitic.
Marc:And I'm not even that Jew-y.
Marc:This has been the first installation of Know This Crap About Jew Stuff.
Marc:And that would be N-O, This Crap About Jew Stuff.
Marc:All right, so let's read a few more emails before we go out today.
Marc:I get a lot of these emails along the same lines, and this is essentially a comedy show, but it's also a show to vent a certain amount of frustration and try to figure some stuff out.
Marc:But I get these emails that I find to be...
Marc:touching and, and, uh, uh, sort of, um, sad in the way that we all experience this type of sadness.
Marc:The subject line on this is I have a few mostly inconsequential things to say, and there's some, uh, I'm not reading all of it, but he said, uh, you mentioned an incident in which you took a philosophy course, hoping to have an opportunity to wrangle with some heavy topics.
Marc:Instead of wrangling, you found yourself at the whim of logical rhetoric.
Marc:Being a student of philosophy, I can empathize with your frustrations.
Marc:Uh,
Marc:I've spent most of my academic life learning the tools needed for philosophical debate, the rhetoric, the logic, the paradoxical conundrums.
Marc:What I have found is this.
Marc:The people who spend their academic careers devoting themselves to this rhetoric have, for the most part, completely cut themselves off from everything that makes them emotional human beings in their pursuit of ration.
Marc:These academics have lost everything else.
Marc:Surely some had very little evidence of being human prior to their pursuit of philosophical rhetoric, but I'm quite certain many of them started out very human and very curious.
Marc:I've also found that in 2000 years of philosophical study and debate, we've managed to produce some very intriguing arguments for some very difficult problems, but mostly it's all a bunch of bullshit.
Marc:I suppose what I'm saying is this.
Marc:The academics think they are manning the front lines of philosophical inquiry, but in working under the assumption they are missing out on some of the most important aspects of the battle as a whole.
Marc:They are losing touch with the nature of the original questions.
Marc:Why are we here?
Marc:What's love got to do with it?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:I think you already understand this, so I don't say any of this to be preachy.
Marc:Personally, I'm fed up with my job.
Marc:I'm fed up with school.
Marc:I'm fed up with bad habits.
Marc:I've been working full-time and going to college part-time since I graduated high school.
Marc:I have a corporate job some folks would kill to have, which I think is dehumanizing and fucking torturous.
Marc:And I haven't even finished my undergrad.
Marc:I'm planning on quitting the job in a month so I can finish school next semester, taking a dive into the abyss that is unemployment.
Marc:I've been in love with a girl for the past year and she's been in love with me, but the responsibilities we have each set as priorities are now keeping us from being together.
Marc:She's in a doctoral program in another state.
Marc:I'm stuck here trying to finish a degree program I started 10 years ago.
Marc:It's life.
Marc:I'm a loser because of the bullshit capitalistic game we force ourselves and are forced to play.
Marc:I suppose that's one reason I want to kick libertarians squarely in the nuts.
Marc:If I was responsible for 100 bills instead of the 15 to 20 I have to deal with now, I'd probably shoot myself, taxes or no taxes.
Marc:A few years ago, I survived Katrina.
Marc:I survived it in a boat with my dogs.
Marc:I looked around my hometown and the aftermath and the realization that everyone was living their lives the wrong way was so profound, I nearly shot myself where I stood.
Marc:In that moment, I could see what was important.
Marc:What was important was community.
Marc:What was important was brotherhood and the health and welfare of everyone around me.
Marc:We have our priorities all fucked up, Mr. Marin.
Marc:We are here to love one another.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:That should be our priority.
Marc:We should cut down every obstacle that stands in the way of love and that includes our own egos.
Marc:What the fuck indeed, Mr. Marin.
Marc:What the fuck indeed.
Marc:When I'm at work and my Pepto-pink fucking cubicle and the voices in my head are too loud to deal with, I now have your voice to vent what I must hold inside.
Marc:When I want to tell my evangelical conservative co-workers how much Joel Osteen doesn't give a flying fuck about them or their religion and is only using their most deeply held beliefs as a tax shelter, I have you, Mr. Marin, to echo my angst across the digital waves.
Marc:For that, I thank you.
Marc:You're welcome, Brandon.
Marc:You're welcome.
Marc:All right, here, let's lighten it up a bit.
Marc:WTF, spelled out.
Marc:Dearest Mark and Company, I recently experienced a what the fuck moment, it being more of a what the fuck as opposed to what the fuck.
Marc:Continuing, I met a young woman the other day who, honest to goodness, does anyone know what that saying means?
Marc:Does not believe that we have ever landed on the moon.
Marc:And by ever, I mean ever.
Marc:So there it is, my what the fuck moment.
Marc:Keep up the wonderful work, sincerely, Aaron.
Marc:There's something going around.
Marc:Someone sent me this big, massive examination of whether or not the moon landing was real or not.
Guest 5:That probably all arose because it was the 40th anniversary.
Marc:Where do people find the time?
Guest 5:You mean the time to fake a moon landing?
Marc:Well, that and also the time to like, is this really what we're going to get hung up on?
Marc:Can't we just believe we went to the moon?
Guest 5:Did you ever see that video, Buzz Aldrin punching the guy in the face?
Guest 5:No.
Guest 5:Hang on, we're going to watch it right here and you're going to react to it.
Guest 5:It's phenomenal.
Guest 5:And I know you have some sympathy toward, you know, conspiracy theorists and that, or at least an understanding, but it's real fun to watch this guy get punched.
Guest 5:Hang on.
Guest 5:But look at that, you type in Buzz Aldrin into YouTube, and the first thing that comes up is Buzz Aldrin punch.
Guest 5:Pull your microphone.
Marc:What's the setup here?
Guest 5:This was some guy.
Guest 5:His name is Bart Sibrell.
Guest 5:Yeah.
Guest 5:And I don't know the deal, but he's an internet guy.
Guest 5:And he was doing some expose of Buzz Aldrin and why he was a faker and didn't walk on the moon.
Guest 5:And he confronted Aldrin outside of a hotel when he was giving a speech.
Guest 5:So here's the clip.
Marc:This is something everyone has seen.
Guest 5:I don't know if everybody's seen it, but there's the guy right there.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 5:And there's Buzz.
Guest 5:Right.
Guest 5:Boom.
Guest 3:Oh.
Guest 3:The guy went up.
Guest 3:He lifted up.
Guest 3:Oh.
Guest 3:Oh, my God.
Guest 3:And that was because he said that you didn't really land on the moon?
Guest 3:Yeah, he said you're a fraud.
Guest 3:Without even thinking.
Guest 3:Old man Buzz just clocks him.
Marc:You're a fraud.
Marc:That is hilarious.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, I don't, why, what is the point of this?
Marc:Is this like in the name of investigation?
Marc:I mean, I saw Capricorn one.
Marc:That was about Mars though, I think.
Marc:I mean, maybe it's possible, but I mean, really, is that where you're going to spend your time?
Marc:I'm willing, you know what?
Marc:I'm going to go ahead and believe we landed on the moon.
Marc:And I think that's a God thing too.
Marc:Are most of those, are they, who are those people that do that?
Marc:Are they, what's their angle?
Guest 5:I think it's just anti-government.
Marc:Oh, so that's the anti-government.
Marc:So it's a 9-11 truth offshoot as well.
Guest 5:I mean, it's way older than that, obviously.
Marc:Right, right, that this was all manufactured.
Marc:To what end, though?
Marc:I mean, to justify NASA spending?
Marc:Various, justify taking money, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Huh.
Marc:Damn, I wanted to read this thing about apes.
Marc:I'll save it.
Marc:I had a story about there's some study about how they think one of the reasons that humans started to walk upright was specifically to get laid.
Marc:I don't follow.
Guest 5:How does that add up?
Marc:Well, the concept was that in ape cultures, the loudest, most violent ape who can beat the shit out of the other apes or scare them into fucking as many of the females as possible usually gets it.
Guest 5:Oh, so it's a presentation thing, not a logistic thing.
Marc:No, no.
Guest 5:Because I would think that hunched over on all fours is the logistically easier way to read.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:The angle is this, is that the study says that the other apes that can't be that guy, and the interesting thing about the study is that apparently these alpha apes,
Marc:who put on the biggest show and kick the most ass, come really fast.
Marc:And they're designed to come really fast and come a lot and have as much of come as possible to have as many sex with many women apes as possible who are ovulating.
Marc:So they sort of cornered the market.
Marc:But what their assumption is, is essentially that the apes that couldn't do that eventually said, hey, you know what?
Marc:Chicks like food.
Marc:So if we fucking just take a walk and get some food and bring it back,
Marc:Maybe we can, you know, isolate some of these women that the douchebag doesn't fuck and impress them with our ability to get them food and they'll fuck us.
Marc:And it was just because they would be able to walk and like reach up and grab the thing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:As opposed to just go and start fucking everything.
Marc:They're like, hey, there's still a couple left.
Marc:I'm going to go get her a present.
Guest 5:That's exactly like my whole romantic life.
Yeah.
Guest 5:I'm like, I'm sure as hell can't beat up that guy, but I can buy her lots of nice stuff.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I just love the idea that one of the pluses of being an asshole douchebag ape that just kicks everyone's ass and scares everybody and then fucks as many women as possible is premature ejaculation.
Marc:I wonder if that holds true now.
Marc:Because I think that if you can actually take a walk, buy your chick something nice and fuck for a little while, I think in the long term you're probably going to... Yeah, that's endurance of the species.
Guest 5:And the big loud one I'm sure would in vulnerable moments fuck a male ape.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And not know it.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And be confused and cry afterwards.
Marc:And then surrender to it.
Marc:Subject line, WTF, self-editing.
Marc:Hi, Mark, really enjoying the podcast.
Marc:They've become my number one item to check out immediately once I see the little update icon moving in iTunes.
Marc:I'm looking for a small bit of advice.
Marc:I want to write a novel.
Marc:Wait, wait, keep reading, please.
Marc:But I'm being totally fucking paralyzed by this voice in my head that keeps telling me that every fucking line right beyond my killer opening sentence is complete shit.
Marc:I start off doing the whole free writing bullshit.
Marc:But even when I'm free fucking writing, it's in there with me.
Marc:That voice self-doubt.
Marc:You suck.
Marc:Stop it.
Marc:Phony.
Marc:I mean, what the fuck?
Marc:You had Jerry Stahl on the other evening and he was saying how one of his novels was initially 500 manuscript pages, single spaced.
Marc:So jealous.
Marc:I can't even get three fucking pages down before I highlight and delete.
Marc:So dot, dot, dot.
Marc:I was wondering what your process is.
Marc:Do you go through this stuff?
Marc:Self-doubt and anger at not being able to put something on the page that you don't think is complete bollocks?
Marc:Should doubt be used as fuel to keep going?
Marc:Tell it to go fuck itself and keep writing no matter what?
Marc:Is that how you get to the next level and find a muse that'll put up with you?
Marc:Thanks, man.
Marc:Great story the other evening, too, about that crazy bitch and her boyfriend.
Marc:Not going to find gold like that on real radio.
Marc:D.
Marc:D, unfortunately, my process is exactly like yours, hence the podcast.
Marc:I wrote one book and the only reason that I was able to do it was because I had a deadline and I had a framework for it and I took the time to do it, but it was really the deadline.
Marc:So if you can find somebody to offer you money for your novel, even if they're pretending, perhaps that'll help you.
Guest 5:Any kind of artificial deadline can work.
Guest 5:Does D have something in his possession that he really likes?
Guest 5:Because he could get somebody to say, I will take that away from you in 20 days if you don't write X number of pages.
Marc:Or if D, if you're involved with somebody, tell them to, no matter what, not have sex with you until you've written 20 pages.
Guest 5:That's a Greek play, isn't it?
Guest 5:Is it?
Guest 5:Yeah.
Guest 5:Lysistrata.
Guest 5:The women of Greece are going to withhold sex from their husbands until they stop the war.
Guest 5:Wow.
Marc:I think in this culture that would cause the women to get hurt.
Marc:I think that idea wouldn't run with this culture.
Yeah.
Marc:All right, so we'll do more emails another time.
Marc:I want to thank you for sending them all in.
Marc:And by the way, you can go to WTFPod.com for all your Just Coffee needs and WTF needs, merchandise, linking up with Twitter, emailing us.
Marc:You can also get my CDs, my three CDs, tickets still available, not sold out, and final engagement right here on iTunes, if you're on iTunes.
Marc:And I really appreciate you listening.
Marc:So thanks a lot.
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