Episode 168 - Live at SXSW

00:01:09Marc:Because quite honestly, and I don't wanna obsess about food, but I was in Indiana and I got so many fucking baked goods that, and I'm too sensitive to throw them away.

00:01:25Marc:Most people at mid-level celebrity caliber that I am at,

00:01:30Marc:would just throw all the shit away.

00:01:32Marc:But I don't.

00:01:33Marc:I bring them to my fucking hotel room, and there is nothing really sadder and poignant than me looking like I'm having a bake sale in my hotel room.

00:01:45Marc:I still have shit from Brooklyn three days ago in the room here.

00:01:48Marc:I have chocolates.

00:01:52Marc:I'm not going to get into it.

00:01:53Marc:But, Hannah, are these safe?

00:01:56Yes.

00:01:57Marc:Okay, that was a little too weird the way you said that.

00:02:00Marc:She seems nice.

00:02:04Marc:She seems nice?

00:02:05Marc:Now you're getting validation and credibility from the person sitting next to you?

00:02:09Marc:You've signed off on that?

00:02:10Marc:I can't tell you how many times I've said that and had to change the locks on my doors.

00:02:19Marc:Look, how many people are from Austin in here?

00:02:26Marc:I know you're very proud, and I like your city.

00:02:28Marc:I've had a good time here.

00:02:29Marc:I'm not going to condescend at all.

00:02:31Marc:I think there's a lot of integrity to it, and I've been through periods where I go to cities that have their own personality, and I usually say, well, it's hard not to be condescending when you come from a real city.

00:02:44Marc:But I'm not going to do that because I realize the struggle that you guys are in here in Austin.

00:02:50Marc:I understand the whole weirdness, hipster, sort of like fuck it all kind of attitude mixed with a little bit of we're all fucked.

00:03:02Marc:But I really didn't realize what is going on here until today.

00:03:06Marc:On a metaphoric level, this really is sort of a hipster Alamo.

00:03:10Marc:That you are...

00:03:14Marc:that you are protecting yourselves, you are fighting the good fight against the rest of Texas.

00:03:25Marc:Who are just outside the gates.

00:03:28Marc:You know, in their outfits, you know.

00:03:31Marc:They're historically appropriate cow type outfits.

00:03:35Marc:I grew up with cowboys, I grew up in New Mexico, so I understand, but now I understand why you have to aggressively assert your beards, your tattoos, your breasts, and whatever it is you need to do just to keep them at a distance.

00:03:55Marc:It's very impressive.

00:03:56Marc:I'm glad there's no violence.

00:03:57Marc:You just make them uncomfortable to the point where they just kind of trail off back into the country.

00:04:05Marc:We're very fortunate not to be here during the entirety of the music festival.

00:04:09Marc:I'm not condescending at all.

00:04:11Marc:I'm all for music.

00:04:14Marc:But this place, you know, starting, what, tonight?

00:04:16Marc:This weekend?

00:04:17Marc:It's just going to be a parade of drunken fucking retarded people.

00:04:22Marc:And...

00:04:25Marc:but like really fucked up.

00:04:26Marc:And all you can hear at every bar in the street is just a pulsating sound of desperation, fading dreams and broken hearts.

00:04:37Marc:It's just the air is filled with it.

00:04:39Marc:Intoxicated people that don't give a fuck about anything and then a lot of very orchestrated cries for help throughout the city.

00:04:50Marc:And I say that with love.

00:04:54Marc:I went to the Whole Foods headquarters and I had never been in there and it was assaulting.

00:05:01Marc:It felt like a state fair with food rides for rich people.

00:05:07Marc:Clearly a joke that I tweeted, some people saw already.

00:05:16Marc:A couple quick ones.

00:05:18Marc:Here's some gun stuff.

00:05:19Marc:Alarm worries, self-defense.

00:05:20Marc:I just like this guy's logic because this is some clever writing from a guy.

00:05:25Marc:I brought up that I might want to get a gun in my house because I got scared.

00:05:30Marc:Maren, if you decide to get a gun, please let me know.

00:05:34Marc:I'll make sure you get the perfect gun for your needs.

00:05:41Marc:I should really just email him back, like, well, can I talk about my needs?

00:05:45Marc:Because I got some big plans.

00:05:50Marc:No, but then he says, until that day, if it ever does come, I suggest a taser or pepper spray.

00:05:58Marc:But then he sort of appeals to me.

00:06:00Marc:He says, a pepper spray would be the cheapest and safest solution.

00:06:03Marc:It would take an extremely motivated individual to commit suicide with pepper spray.

00:06:19Marc:But then he also applies similar logic, but more weather-oriented logic, which I thought was really endearing.

00:06:24Marc:A taser would be more expensive, but not quite as expensive as a gun.

00:06:28Marc:Being that you're in California, a home invader wouldn't likely be wearing clothing so thick to make the taser useless.

00:06:36Marc:Like he just pictured a dude in shorts, hey dude, I'm robbing you.

00:06:40Yeah.

00:06:42Marc:Thanks for your time.

00:06:43Marc:Stay safe.

00:06:43Marc:That's Chad in Puyallup, Washington, which explains a lot.

00:06:47Marc:I'm getting as far away from everybody as fucking possible.

00:06:53Marc:The cat shirt freaked me out.

00:06:56Marc:If you don't know, I have cat shirts with me and my cats on them.

00:07:00Marc:Let's get right into it.

00:07:01Marc:Went to the Bloomington, Indiana show with my girlfriend.

00:07:03Marc:She's 25, Catholic, ex-stripper.

00:07:05Marc:A lot of details.

00:07:09Marc:But you know what?

00:07:10Marc:It kind of summons up a picture.

00:07:11Marc:Got it.

00:07:16Marc:Nuff said.

00:07:17Marc:I am 39 and a Jew.

00:07:20Marc:Again, tight, but we get it.

00:07:21Marc:We get it.

00:07:24Marc:Drove from Lexington, Kentucky and the show was amazing.

00:07:27Marc:Moving on.

00:07:28Marc:She buys a cat shirt and takes a pic with you.

00:07:31Marc:We get back to the hotel and I'm anticipating sex.

00:07:35Marc:She comes out of the bathroom wearing the cat shirt.

00:07:41Marc:Love you, but it is tough having you and the cat staring at me while I'm doing the deed.

00:07:47Marc:I ask her to take the shirt off and she says, it is chilly.

00:07:51Marc:So I say, just turn the shirt around so the mark and monkeys are not judging me.

00:07:57Marc:She turns it around and by the end of the session, I was looking at your face again.

00:08:00Marc:Now I know how you feel when you clear the cats from the bed.

00:08:12Marc:Love you, you define honesty, Jeffrey.

00:08:16Marc:And then this one I'm gonna bring out a special guest that I think Ernie tweeted that he's gonna be on the show.

00:08:22Marc:Fucked up compliments.

00:08:23Marc:This is for real, Doug.

00:08:27Marc:Dear Mark, was discussing comedians' podcasts with a friend this week, and without a hint of irony, an exchange went like this.

00:08:34Marc:And these are women voices.

00:08:36Marc:I'm not going to do them.

00:08:38Marc:What did you think of the new What the Fuck?

00:08:40Marc:That show made me want to fuck.

00:08:42Marc:What did you think of the newest Doug Loves Movies?

00:08:48Marc:It tried, but it couldn't find my clit.

00:08:57Marc:And then it just says, what is wrong with us, Cory?

00:09:00Marc:And I wrote back, sometimes pot does that.

00:09:07Marc:Do you want to come out and defend yourself or something?

00:09:09Marc:Doug Benson, ladies and gentlemen.

00:09:22Guest:Oh, I'll find it.

00:09:25Guest:Pot helps to give me the stamina that one needs in that department.

00:09:31Guest:Because, you know, you're not high.

00:09:32Guest:You're going to get bored after a while.

00:09:34Guest:Really?

00:09:35Guest:No.

00:09:36Guest:Is this a cry for help?

00:09:36Guest:No, you're right.

00:09:39Marc:No, you got it.

00:09:40Marc:You know, they're all a little different.

00:09:42Guest:Did this so... Have you talked about this yet?

00:09:45Marc:No.

00:09:45Guest:Oh, this is a guy... Somebody gave me a copy of this the other night.

00:09:48Guest:He's right here.

00:09:49Guest:There you are.

00:09:49Guest:What do you want Mark to be the voice of?

00:09:52Marc:He wants me to be the poodle.

00:09:54Marc:He wants you to be the poodle.

00:09:55Marc:Yeah.

00:09:55Guest:He wants me to be the bear.

00:09:56Guest:Do you have all of the voices in this cast?

00:09:59Marc:Wait, I see where this is going.

00:10:02Marc:You're going to have to grow a beard more than that to be a bear.

00:10:04Guest:No, just the voices.

00:10:07Guest:He just wants voices.

00:10:09Guest:He's going to make an animated version.

00:10:10Marc:I get it.

00:10:10Marc:How did he approach you, though?

00:10:11Marc:He looked at me very earnestly.

00:10:13Guest:He came at me and was like, I'm a weirdo with a book.

00:10:15Guest:Take it.

00:10:18Guest:I'm trying to hand you a children's book in public.

00:10:20Guest:I'm on to you and your games.

00:10:24Marc:He said to me... No, he was very nice.

00:10:26Marc:He said, the poodle, I want you to do the poodle.

00:10:28Marc:He's like, the poodle's a self-centered smartass.

00:10:31Marc:So I thought you'd be perfect for it.

00:10:34Guest:It looks like it is, but the bear looks like he's very nice.

00:10:39Guest:The bear looks like a very friendly, happy character.

00:10:41Guest:Who's going to be the clown, Rob Corddry?

00:10:45Marc:It's a dog?

00:10:46Marc:The clown doesn't talk?

00:10:48Guest:Oh, the clown doesn't talk.

00:10:49Guest:Okay, what about the lion?

00:10:51Guest:Whoopi Goldberg?

00:10:54Guest:Chris Hardwick.

00:10:54Marc:Chris Hardwick's going to be a lion?

00:10:55Guest:Did you give him a copy?

00:10:56Guest:He's here.

00:10:58Marc:Is he here, Chris?

00:10:58Marc:You want a copy of the comic book?

00:11:00Guest:I didn't mean here right now.

00:11:01Guest:I meant he's in... I meant he's in the United States.

00:11:07Guest:And who would be the monkey with the fez?

00:11:09Marc:I want to be the... Who?

00:11:11Guest:Paula Tomkins would be a monkey in a fez?

00:11:14Marc:Can you talk to him about that?

00:11:15Marc:Because he's very against changing his look.

00:11:19Guest:I'm going to find a line that the bear would say and audition for you right now.

00:11:22Marc:Let's try and do a scene with both of us.

00:11:25Guest:Do the poodle and the bear ever talk to each other?

00:11:28Marc:They do?

00:11:28Marc:Do you want to help us out or just sit there and watch us rifle through your book in real time?

00:11:36Marc:Yeah, why don't you do that and me and Doug will chat about South by Southwest.

00:11:42Guest:This is really good.

00:11:43Guest:It is?

00:11:43Guest:This coffee cupcake is amazing.

00:11:48Guest:May I?

00:11:49Marc:Yeah.

00:11:57Marc:Alright, got a scene together?

00:11:58Marc:Yeah.

00:11:59Marc:Where is it?

00:12:00Marc:Down here.

00:12:00Marc:Oh, it's just the two of us.

00:12:02Guest:No, okay.

00:12:03Guest:You start.

00:12:05Guest:What are you doing?

00:12:06Guest:Waiting for my cereal to get soggy.

00:12:12Guest:For God's sake, why?

00:12:14Guest:I don't like it all crunchy.

00:12:19Marc:Wink, everybody likes their cereal crunchy.

00:12:22Marc:Scientists spend tons of money trying to solve the cereal and milk dilemma.

00:12:27Marc:And yet here you sit, it's just sad.

00:12:30Guest:I stand for the mushy minority.

00:12:36Guest:Sold!

00:12:38Guest:That's gonna be awesome.

00:12:45Marc:I didn't feel like I had a lot to work with there.

00:12:49Guest:Yeah, he writes better for my voice than for yours.

00:12:53Marc:All right, Doug Benson, ladies and gentlemen.

00:12:55Guest:Thank you, everybody.

00:12:56Guest:Have fun.

00:12:57Guest:What the fuck?

00:12:58Marc:Is that good?

00:13:00Marc:All right.

00:13:01Marc:Thanks, man.

00:13:03Marc:Yeah, that's good.

00:13:06Marc:You ready, Nick?

00:13:08Marc:This is very exciting because he's never been on the show before, and you probably don't know him, which is exciting.

00:13:14Marc:And he's a comedy store comic, which is dark and weird.

00:13:19Marc:And he's Nick Youssef, ladies and gentlemen.

00:13:27Guest:What are we eating?

00:13:28Marc:Those are coffee, you know, you're just sitting back there.

00:13:31Marc:They're coffee cupcakes from Hannah, and these are chocolate espresso beans.

00:13:37Guest:I have a stomach right now full of barbecue, tequila, coffee, more barbecue, and I think I'm going to vomit.

00:13:48Marc:Great.

00:13:48Marc:That's never happened on the show before.

00:13:50Guest:So I'm going to eat one of these.

00:13:51Marc:Gallagher just stormed out.

00:13:52Guest:Which I only take...

00:13:55Marc:So I think if you vomit in front of a crowd, that would be great.

00:13:58Marc:But try not to have a heart attack three weeks later.

00:13:59Guest:Smash the vomit with a mallet, probably.

00:14:02Guest:Jeez.

00:14:03Marc:So, dude, can I just ask you a couple things about your name?

00:14:07Marc:Where do you... What are you?

00:14:10Guest:I...

00:14:11Guest:Why are you going to put it like that?

00:14:13Marc:Well, I'm a Jew, Eastern European mutt.

00:14:15Marc:Yeah.

00:14:15Marc:Yeah, Russian, Polish.

00:14:17Guest:I'm Lebanese.

00:14:18Guest:Wow, that's weird.

00:14:20Guest:I forgot, this is the good south.

00:14:21Guest:I forgot it's Austin.

00:14:22Guest:But they're like, no, we accept that.

00:14:23Guest:That's fine.

00:14:24Guest:You can have that last name.

00:14:25Guest:That's good.

00:14:26Guest:I grew up in LA, so I never think about it.

00:14:30Guest:I never think about being Lebanese or anything.

00:14:32Guest:I'm very Americanized and fucking awesome looking.

00:14:38Guest:But I went to Memphis a couple weeks ago.

00:14:42Guest:And I walked out of that airport, and it smelled like barbecue and racial tension.

00:14:47Guest:I'm like, what the?

00:14:48Guest:And then my last name all of a sudden becomes a problem to me in my own head, and I don't think about it.

00:14:53Guest:And people ask, like, what's your last name?

00:14:55Guest:And I just want to be, like, America?

00:14:56Guest:I don't know.

00:14:57Guest:I'll be on a tractor eating apple pie if anyone needs me, just waving an American flag, like, all day long.

00:15:04Guest:But, I mean, you know, think about it.

00:15:05Guest:This is like hipsterville here.

00:15:06Guest:It's like the capital of skinny jeans this week.

00:15:08Guest:So I feel like mine are loose.

00:15:11Guest:Like, that is how hip it is out here.

00:15:14Guest:What the fuck is those socks?

00:15:16Guest:They're owl socks?

00:15:16Guest:Oh, no, they're coyote socks.

00:15:18Marc:Now, what's the cutoff for trying too hard?

00:15:20Guest:This, actually.

00:15:21Guest:This is it.

00:15:23Guest:That is the cut up.

00:15:27Guest:You used to make fun of me.

00:15:29Guest:I met this guy, this asshole.

00:15:31Guest:Oh, let me just laugh at my own joke.

00:15:32Guest:I met him like, I met you five, six years ago.

00:15:36Guest:I met you four times or something.

00:15:38Guest:I was like, what's this fucking punk kid?

00:15:40Guest:Or like that.

00:15:40Guest:And then I meet you again, and we kind of become friends.

00:15:43Guest:And everything I wear, oh, you're going to wear that jacket?

00:15:45Guest:That's what you're going to do?

00:15:47Guest:I'm like, what's wrong with that?

00:15:49Guest:He's like, well, I was wearing that shit in 1985.

00:15:50Guest:But yeah, it's called throwback, Mark.

00:15:54Guest:Like, your generation's clothing is now cool again.

00:15:56Guest:And I'm not being 20-something to, you know, fuck with you about it.

00:16:00Guest:I just, you know.

00:16:01Marc:I think the turn in our relationship was when I decided that you looked up to me somehow.

00:16:07Marc:And then we developed this.

00:16:08Marc:Yeah, I know.

00:16:09Marc:See, it turned.

00:16:10Marc:And that's why there's tension again now.

00:16:12Guest:Where did we turn?

00:16:13Marc:Huh?

00:16:15Marc:I don't know.

00:16:15Marc:When we became friends, you got too comfortable, and now you're just a dick to me, and I don't understand that.

00:16:20Guest:The first time, I was nervous to go on the road with this guy for the first time.

00:16:23Guest:Because I grew up watching you on TV, and you were one of the... I know.

00:16:28Guest:This was years ago, you guys.

00:16:31Guest:Like, we're talking the 90s and shit.

00:16:34Guest:It was so long ago.

00:16:35Guest:I was at zits, puberty.

00:16:37Guest:And he was one of those guys where I'm like, oh, that's because you watch comedy growing up and you want to do it because you're like, that's good.

00:16:43Guest:And then fuck those people.

00:16:44Guest:Like, I can do it better.

00:16:45Guest:And he was one of those.

00:16:45Guest:I'm like, yeah, I can't wait to meet him finally.

00:16:47Guest:So I go on the road with you.

00:16:49Guest:And I'm super nervous.

00:16:50Guest:I'm like, I got to do a half hour in front of this guy.

00:16:53Guest:And I don't know what he's going to think.

00:16:55Guest:So I get off stage, and you're standing there doing your pacing thing, and I come up to you, and you're like, you remind me of a younger me.

00:17:04Guest:And I didn't know how, I'm like, what's he gonna say next?

00:17:06Guest:Like, I'm kidding, or fuck you, when you're fired.

00:17:09Guest:And I'm like, that is one of the coolest things that's happened to me in comedy.

00:17:13Guest:And then we do the 10.30 show, and I get off, and he's like, what's with all the fucking crowd work?

00:17:19Guest:I'm like, a minute ago, everything was awesome.

00:17:21Guest:Now you're angry at me.

00:17:23Guest:But you taught me to do a lot less crowd work, and that actually stuck with me.

00:17:26Marc:Yeah, well, I think honestly the crowd work thing is a skill you should have but not abuse.

00:17:31Marc:I'm sorry, can we talk a little inside baseball here?

00:17:34Marc:Yeah.

00:17:34Marc:Like, did you notice how me and Doug handled this nice gentleman who gave us the book?

00:17:38Marc:Yeah.

00:17:39Marc:That was very mild, you know, and it was just interactive.

00:17:42Marc:But like, if you start, like,

00:17:43Marc:saying things like, yo, what's up?

00:17:45Marc:What's your area code?

00:17:47Marc:There was a guy, Mitchell Walters.

00:17:49Guest:I'm not Brody Stevens.

00:17:50Guest:I don't do the area code.

00:17:51Guest:Does Brody do the area code thing?

00:17:53Guest:Sometimes, just to fuck around.

00:17:54Marc:Is he all right?

00:17:55Guest:Yeah, he's great.

00:17:56Guest:If you're asking that, then he might have a problem or two.

00:17:59Guest:Jesus.

00:18:00Marc:All I know is I was on a plane with Brody Stevens, and we were talking about technology, and somehow this thing came out of his mouth where he's like...

00:18:10Marc:where he goes, busy signals.

00:18:13Marc:I was around for that.

00:18:17Guest:What does that mean?

00:18:18Guest:It's great, whatever it is.

00:18:21Marc:It works with him.

00:18:22Marc:It was almost like, I lived through that.

00:18:23Marc:Busy signals.

00:18:24Marc:And you just stare and you go, what's next now?

00:18:27Marc:Yeah, and you have that moment where you're like, are you really like this?

00:18:30Marc:He's like, and I am.

00:18:31Marc:We don't have to talk to him.

00:18:32Marc:We don't have to talk about him.

00:18:33Marc:I love the guy.

00:18:35Marc:So get me up to speed on music because I'm a little lost.

00:18:39Guest:Yeah, well, every time I tell you about a band you should listen to, you say, who the fuck are they?

00:18:45Guest:And I'm like, well, I mean, ask nice and I'll tell you.

00:18:48Guest:I remember a couple years ago, I'm like, you've got to get into TV on the radio.

00:18:51Guest:Like, they're really, really good.

00:18:52Guest:And yeah, exactly three people.

00:18:55Guest:So maybe I was wrong.

00:18:56Guest:All right.

00:18:57Guest:So we're in San Diego or something.

00:18:59Marc:I remember.

00:19:00Marc:Sit in the living room.

00:19:01Marc:That was the weekend I was trying to fuck Whitney Cummings over and over.

00:19:04Marc:I think so, yeah.

00:19:05Marc:I don't know.

00:19:06Guest:There was a lot of me, I'm like, going to get coffee.

00:19:08Guest:I'll be back in six hours.

00:19:10Marc:I never had a chance in hell, and I just made a fool out of myself.

00:19:14Marc:I admitted to doing yoga.

00:19:16Marc:I went to a health food store with her.

00:19:18Marc:You were really pushing your game.

00:19:20Marc:Yeah, but even the sad me didn't work.

00:19:23Marc:Like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

00:19:25Marc:Yeah.

00:19:26Guest:And I was like there for half of that.

00:19:28Guest:I'm like, I feel like I'm in Maren's brain right now.

00:19:29Marc:I'm just watching this go down.

00:19:31Marc:All right, so what did I do?

00:19:34Guest:Well, yeah, I was like, listen.

00:19:35Guest:And we were like, well, put some of it on.

00:19:36Guest:And I put it on.

00:19:37Guest:And you're like, these fucking assholes sound like David Bowie.

00:19:40Guest:And I'm like, well, David Bowie is singing on this song, Mark.

00:19:47Guest:And you're like, maybe I'll give it a shot.

00:19:50Marc:They're good.

00:19:50Marc:Did you give it a shot?

00:19:51Marc:Okay, you did give it a shot.

00:19:51Marc:No, I bought the record and I listened to it a few times and I tried to be you listening to it.

00:19:56Marc:I put on different socks.

00:19:58Marc:And I enjoyed it.

00:19:59Marc:I understand it.

00:20:00Marc:I get it.

00:20:01Marc:So what did you get?

00:20:01Marc:I keep getting these texts from you guys last night saying like, where is it right here?

00:20:06Marc:You said, what was it?

00:20:07Marc:Still rocking a Blackberry?

00:20:09Marc:Fuck you.

00:20:09Guest:I know, I'm getting shit.

00:20:10Guest:No, I still have one too and I'm getting shit from all you interactive assholes.

00:20:14Guest:I'm like walking around like, oh, you should download this new app or whatever.

00:20:17Guest:I'm like, yeah, it's on Android.

00:20:18Guest:I'm like, I don't have that.

00:20:19Guest:Like, oh, you must have an iPhone.

00:20:20Guest:I'm like, now I have a Blackberry.

00:20:21Guest:And people were like, ooh, okay.

00:20:24Guest:I'm like, it's still a, I'm not like chiseling tweets out and like having them delivered via Pony Express.

00:20:30Guest:Like, it's a phone.

00:20:31Guest:Yeah.

00:20:32Guest:I got to upgrade.

00:20:34Marc:Word on the street, this is from you, word on the street is you want to go gay bar hopping.

00:20:38Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:20:39Guest:Well, I was, me and my buddy Ari Shafir and Justin Martindale are comedians.

00:20:42Guest:We're all here together.

00:20:43Guest:And we're like, well, we can't get into a lot of these places.

00:20:46Guest:We don't have badges.

00:20:47Guest:And we're like, let's go to the gay bars and do karaoke and hang out.

00:20:50Guest:And we're like, you know who would love this right now at 1.30 in the morning?

00:20:54Guest:Marc fucking Marin.

00:20:56Marc:And I texted back, already sucking cock in my room.

00:21:00Yeah.

00:21:03Marc:Did I respond to that?

00:21:05Marc:I don't remember.

00:21:05Marc:Yeah, you said, that's what I thought.

00:21:07Guest:Yeah, I did think that.

00:21:10Marc:Then there was more.

00:21:11Marc:What?

00:21:11Guest:You said, did you get his number?

00:21:13Guest:No.

00:21:14Marc:That's not part of it.

00:21:16Marc:You just do it and go, get out, I'm sad.

00:21:17Guest:That's relationships in a nutshell.

00:21:22Marc:Don't tell anybody.

00:21:24Guest:Yeah.

00:21:26Marc:Nick Youssef, ladies and gentlemen.

00:21:28Marc:I met her in New York.

00:21:30Marc:We've traveled internationally together by coincidence.

00:21:33Marc:I worked with her at the Glasgow Festival.

00:21:35Marc:She also has a website called notlonelyplanet.com about her experiences with men in other countries.

00:21:42Marc:Please welcome Jenna Friedman.

00:21:53Marc:What's up, Jenna Riven?

00:21:56Guest:Hi.

00:21:56Guest:Thanks for having me.

00:21:58Marc:Yeah, no, it was my pleasure.

00:22:00Marc:You know, you wouldn't leave me alone.

00:22:03Marc:And I finally just relented and said, okay, be on the show.

00:22:07Guest:Okay, thank you.

00:22:10Marc:So we worked in Glasgow together.

00:22:14Marc:We had vegetarian food in Glasgow.

00:22:16Guest:Yeah.

00:22:16Marc:Which wasn't easy.

00:22:16Marc:And that was fun.

00:22:17Guest:We had vegetarian haggis.

00:22:19Marc:Yeah, I didn't.

00:22:20Marc:You had that.

00:22:20Marc:I didn't see what the point of that was.

00:22:22Guest:Yeah.

00:22:22Marc:I mean, the essence of haggis is that it's got cut up.

00:22:26Guest:And mad cow.

00:22:27Marc:Yeah.

00:22:28Marc:But I didn't eat that.

00:22:29Marc:You ate it and you said it was good.

00:22:30Guest:It was good.

00:22:31Marc:You're going back there?

00:22:32Marc:Why would you go back?

00:22:33Guest:Because it's fun.

00:22:35Guest:They're really dark crowds.

00:22:36Guest:You can joke about death and they are just so into it.

00:22:39Guest:They have a darker perspective than we do here.

00:22:42Marc:Do you open with that?

00:22:44Guest:Yes, I open.

00:22:46Guest:I've been lately opening.

00:22:47Guest:My grandma died two weeks ago, so I've been talking about that and I can't not address it because it's emotional for me.

00:22:53Guest:So I've been opening with that and it's kind of a buzzkill.

00:22:56Marc:Just that?

00:22:57Marc:I mean, the no punchline?

00:22:59Guest:No, there's kind of like a spoken word.

00:23:01Guest:It gets kind of funny later.

00:23:03Guest:But she died, and it's been weird.

00:23:07Guest:Like, she was the first person.

00:23:08Guest:I'm talking to you, because it's easy to connect with one person.

00:23:14Guest:She was the first person that, like, was really close to me that passed away.

00:23:17Guest:And ever since, it's just been, like, hard, like, to masturbate, for example.

00:23:26LAUGHTER

00:23:26Guest:Because she's watching, you know what I mean?

00:23:34Guest:Yeah, but it's true.

00:23:35Guest:And I feel like once people pass away, I don't know what I believe about heaven and hell, but I feel like they become cooler in terms of sexual exploration.

00:23:45Guest:I feel like there's some sort of passageway where they're like,

00:23:50Guest:we're all human and you're allowed to, you know.

00:23:52Guest:The dead are?

00:23:54Guest:I feel like the dead are cooler than they were when they're like less puritanical.

00:23:58Guest:That's what I have to tell myself to climax.

00:24:05Marc:That your grandma's actually smiling over you?

00:24:08Marc:That's my little girl.

00:24:11Guest:It's so diminutive.

00:24:14Guest:Thanks.

00:24:15Guest:What?

00:24:15Guest:It's fine.

00:24:16Guest:I'm teasing.

00:24:17Marc:I know you are.

00:24:18Marc:It's hilarious.

00:24:19Marc:Now, I'm curious about this because I didn't know this until right before you went on this LonelyPlanet.com, not LonelyPlanet.com.

00:24:25Marc:So you actually, as research, you go and what, engage with men in other countries on some level?

00:24:31Guest:Well, I perform comedy abroad, and I meet interesting people.

00:24:37Guest:Like when you're in different countries, it's like culture shock.

00:24:41Guest:So I wanted to capture weird idiosyncrasies of men I meet in different countries, kind of like what they say versus what they mean.

00:24:51Guest:So I just created this little website.

00:24:53Guest:You asked me if I have side projects, and it's like a side.

00:24:56Guest:I don't know why I'm shimmying, but it's a side.

00:24:58Marc:Well, can you tell me like, and by the way, Nick, you don't have to just, you know, sit there.

00:25:04Marc:You can be on the- I'm listening.

00:25:05Marc:I know, but I- You can feel free to chime in as opposed to just sit there.

00:25:10Marc:Okay.

00:25:10Marc:Just, yeah, because I know what you're doing.

00:25:11Marc:You're just sitting there going, I think the first thing went pretty well, but I don't know the second one.

00:25:15Marc:Were you doing that?

00:25:16Marc:I was actually thinking about Jen and masturbating, so.

00:25:23Guest:Now I am too.

00:25:29Marc:Sorry.

00:25:29Marc:I think I'm just going to start.

00:25:34Marc:That would be so fucking awesome.

00:25:37Marc:Like if I just followed through with that and you guys had that weird moment where you're like, I don't really know how to handle this or what to do.

00:25:42Marc:And then I'd be sort of like, it's not working.

00:25:46Marc:There's too many people.

00:25:51Marc:And I start saying things like, don't look at me!

00:25:53Marc:I just wonder how many of you would be polite and just be like, he's probably going to finish the show and show him to get through this.

00:26:04Marc:So, alright, so you're in where?

00:26:06Guest:Berlin.

00:26:07Marc:Oh, I've never been there.

00:26:09Marc:Is it great?

00:26:12Guest:I mean, I guess in the summertime when the snow melts and it looks less Third Reichy, it's cool.

00:26:19Guest:I had a very interesting experience there.

00:26:22Guest:Okay.

00:26:23Guest:Okay, so basically it's kind of like Lonely Planet gives you a sense of where, I guess like a geography of the landscape in different countries.

00:26:31Guest:Not so Lonely Planet, but it's really not Lonely Planet on the website because I couldn't get the other domain.

00:26:36Guest:gives you a sense of like people like the men in different countries are really funny when I was in Italy I met these guys that are like I love you and it just means like let's grab a cup of coffee and like you meet you meet people I mean French men are different than German men and and this is kind of like for women going abroad and trying to not spend money oh okay oh

00:26:59Guest:How do you, you know, travel safe and smart?

00:27:02Guest:You know, like best STD clinic.

00:27:04Guest:I know, you know, like best, like useful phrases, you know, biggest buzzkill.

00:27:09Guest:That's only for Berlin.

00:27:10Guest:Because I just, I was performing at night and I spent my days going to like every Holocaust memorial, just freaking myself out.

00:27:18Guest:See, not funny, but it's what you do when you have time.

00:27:21Guest:We went to a cemetery when we were in Scotland.

00:27:23Marc:We did.

00:27:24Marc:It was a very lovely cemetery.

00:27:25Marc:Yeah, but that's different than going to Auschwitz.

00:27:28Guest:I didn't go to Auschwitz, but I... Not funny for your podcast.

00:27:33Guest:Anyway.

00:27:34Marc:Oh, that was it?

00:27:35Guest:Well, there's stuff.

00:27:36Guest:No, I have useful... I put it online because I was like, he's going to talk to me about it.

00:27:40Guest:I have to say something funny.

00:27:42Marc:There's no pressure here.

00:27:43Marc:We can edit the whole thing out.

00:27:44Guest:Perfect.

00:27:46Guest:Well, this is interesting.

00:27:47Guest:I learned that the word for pubic hair in German is shamhar, which translates to shame hair.

00:27:54LAUGHTER

00:27:55Guest:Like, I don't know the word for pubic hair in Italian, but I'm sure it's a lot more loving, you know?

00:28:02Guest:Shaming it.

00:28:03Guest:Yeah.

00:28:03Guest:That's good.

00:28:05Guest:That is good.

00:28:06Marc:What is, like, what's the worst thing that's happened to you in terms of, like, a joke being misunderstood?

00:28:11Marc:Because you push some buttons.

00:28:13Guest:I've had weird, yeah, I, uh...

00:28:16Guest:I've had weird situations and like I tried to, I did like a kind of anti-racist spoken joke when I was in London at the comedy store and like it was 1am and it was like drunk men and they kind of heard half the joke and like booed me but that's fine.

00:28:33Guest:Like the worst gig I ever had was, I was with Jessica Delfino who's an amazing comic and we were, we didn't realize it but we got hired to promote a sex toy.

00:28:45Guest:for all women.

00:28:46Marc:You didn't know it?

00:28:47Guest:We didn't know they were like you're gonna get money and dinner and it's like media women it's gonna be a really cool thing and I don't know if you've seen like witches like the Roald Dahl movie but like we got there and they didn't have the black gloves that kind of hide their fake witchy fingers but it felt like it was all British women and they were drunk because the whole dinner was like pink

00:29:08Guest:And the sex toy was this sex toy that has a memory.

00:29:14Guest:So it's like a mouse.

00:29:15Guest:It looks like a computer mouse, but it like remembers what you like, but it like, it was all, it was like, like for like sexually repressed British women.

00:29:21Guest:It was just like this weird thing and they like booed us and they were just like,

00:29:26Marc:I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fucking toy.

00:29:28Guest:It's called a sassy.

00:29:31Marc:You interact with people.

00:29:32Marc:Like, is this a toy?

00:29:33Guest:Does anyone have it?

00:29:34Guest:It's 170 pounds, not weight.

00:29:36Marc:So that's like 300 bucks.

00:29:38Guest:Yes, and we got paid in that, which is so... Does it talk?

00:29:41Marc:Does it do things like, how about this?

00:29:46Marc:Closer?

00:29:46Guest:Just tell me.

00:29:53Guest:No, it was just this thing and whatever.

00:29:56Guest:It was a tough gig because it's not important.

00:30:00Guest:Whatever.

00:30:01Guest:That was my worst gig that I've had.

00:30:03Marc:Well, I'm going to turn the energy around right now.

00:30:07Marc:Watch how I do it.

00:30:08Marc:Holy shit, Jenna Friedman, ladies and gentlemen.

00:30:11Thank you.

00:30:12Marc:You want to run?

00:30:15Marc:You want to stay?

00:30:15Marc:You want to go?

00:30:17Marc:Okay.

00:30:18Marc:This next guy I just worked with in Ithaca, New York.

00:30:20Marc:He's German.

00:30:22Marc:And he's very funny.

00:30:24Marc:He just won an award.

00:30:25Marc:What was it?

00:30:25Marc:Best comedian?

00:30:29Marc:Best host?

00:30:30Marc:It's just a general award?

00:30:32Marc:Three different ones?

00:30:33Marc:Holy fuck.

00:30:34Marc:All right.

00:30:35Marc:We'll talk about it.

00:30:36Marc:Kurt Braunohler, ladies and gentlemen.

00:30:38Thank you.

00:30:41Guest:I'm just imagining you having sex with just, how about this?

00:30:51Marc:Usually by that point I'm sweaty and done.

00:30:54Guest:How about I'm not going to do anything anymore?

00:30:57Marc:No, I'm very attentive and compulsively worried.

00:31:01Marc:A scared lover.

00:31:03Marc:A terrified scared lover.

00:31:05Marc:The best kind.

00:31:06Marc:I'm not going to play that nebbishy bullshit.

00:31:09Marc:Kurt, are you making your hair German on purpose?

00:31:12Guest:No, I just... I went in and I was like, give me... I want to look like a Muppet that works at IBM.

00:31:24Guest:And then she just gave me lesbian Hitler youth.

00:31:28Guest:And I was like, I'll call it even.

00:31:30Guest:Here's your 60 bucks.

00:31:32Guest:I pay $60 for a haircut.

00:31:35Marc:That's pretty good.

00:31:36Guest:Is that good?

00:31:37Guest:I don't even know.

00:31:37Guest:It's like a mid-range haircut.

00:31:38Guest:Is it a mid-range haircut?

00:31:39Guest:Yeah, expensive ones are over $100.

00:31:40Guest:It's not an FBI haircut.

00:31:41Guest:No, no.

00:31:42Marc:Do you actually have German, like your name, I'm mispronouncing it.

00:31:45Guest:It's Braunohler, yeah.

00:31:46Marc:I said it right that time.

00:31:47Guest:Yeah, yeah, you did.

00:31:48Guest:It's very German.

00:31:49Guest:Yeah, I'm almost all German.

00:31:50Marc:Yeah, do you have like, did your home you grew up in smell German?

00:31:56Guest:Yeah, just sausages and feet all the time.

00:31:59Yeah.

00:32:00Guest:No, because I grew up with my mom.

00:32:01Guest:My dad's the German one.

00:32:03Guest:Oh.

00:32:03Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:04Guest:So, no, my dad was just more like Jersey.

00:32:07Guest:It was more New Jersey instead of German.

00:32:09Marc:Okay.

00:32:10Guest:Yeah, it was just Big Macs.

00:32:11Marc:Now, when we were in Ithaca, New York, just Big Macs and feet.

00:32:15Marc:And feet.

00:32:16Guest:Always feet.

00:32:17Guest:That was my fault.

00:32:18Guest:No.

00:32:19Marc:We were just in Ithaca, and you, myself, and Eugene Merman did a performance.

00:32:23Guest:It was a fantastic show.

00:32:25Marc:No, we had a great time.

00:32:26Guest:I thought it went really well.

00:32:27Guest:I really liked it.

00:32:28Marc:But I didn't realize that you almost got into a fucking... Yeah.

00:32:31Guest:I got into an altercation.

00:32:33Guest:You had left, so we were all at the bar afterwards, and Eugene and I had been drinking, so we gave my keys.

00:32:38Guest:I drove your car.

00:32:40Marc:I was a designated driver, and you weren't even in the car.

00:32:42Guest:I wasn't even in the car.

00:32:43Guest:It was awesome.

00:32:44Marc:You're like, I'm going to get fucked up.

00:32:45Marc:Just park it where I can find it.

00:32:46Marc:Yeah.

00:32:47Guest:I'll figure out a way to get home.

00:32:48Guest:And actually, you left cupcakes in the back, in the trunk.

00:32:57Guest:And then I just gave them to my friend and told him I made them for his birthday.

00:33:00Guest:So that's perfect.

00:33:04Guest:And it had been like two weeks later and I didn't refrigerate them.

00:33:07Guest:I was worried he was going to die.

00:33:08Guest:But the person who made those made amazing cupcakes.

00:33:10Guest:They were good.

00:33:12Guest:So you left and then I have this, it's a temperature gun.

00:33:16Guest:It's an infrared temperature gun.

00:33:18Guest:For what?

00:33:18Guest:It's for HVAC contractors.

00:33:19Guest:But if I had it, I actually have it.

00:33:21Guest:But I could shoot your crotch from here and tell you how hot your crotch was.

00:33:26Guest:And that sounds like a great tool.

00:33:27Guest:It's so much fun.

00:33:29Guest:And so I had it in my pocket and I was pretty drunk.

00:33:32Guest:And there was just some kids, like college kids, like walking by and I just started like taking their crotch temperatures and telling them what it was.

00:33:43Guest:And they got really mad.

00:33:48Guest:And Eugene is just back there like giggling.

00:33:50Guest:And I'm just like, this, and it escalates really quickly.

00:33:54Guest:And I'm like, are we gonna fight?

00:33:57Guest:Because I'm telling you what the temperature of your crotch is?

00:34:00Guest:So then I just kept doing it and telling them that the angrier they're got, the colder their dicks were.

00:34:08Guest:And all of a sudden I'm surrounded, but they all happened to be super tiny.

00:34:13Guest:And so it was like this giant just being like, 78 degrees, 12 degrees.

00:34:17Guest:And they're like, we're gonna, and then all of a sudden it switched.

00:34:19Guest:And then we were best friends.

00:34:22Guest:And they were best friends.

00:34:22Guest:They were so happy to know their crotch temperature.

00:34:24Guest:I started taking mine.

00:34:25Guest:They were excited.

00:34:26Guest:We all left buddies, but it was like a moment right there where Eugene actually stepped in.

00:34:31Guest:Cause he was like, Kurt's going to get into a fight.

00:34:33Marc:and what how did you eugene is so diplomatic he's like let's not do this right now let's do this kurt was trying to have some fun with your pants you guys look like you'd get along you should sleep with each other tonight eugene always suggests that now that the the missing link for me in this story is why the do you have that tool

00:34:56Guest:It was from a pilot that I shot for IFC which was called Pointless and it's a game show that I host and so in the beginning it was a bit that was written.

00:35:07Guest:We would decide who would go first by finding out whose crotch was hotter.

00:35:12Guest:and then and then i had to buy one for another reason i was like this is the best thing i just keep it in my pocket sometimes it's the really the best well why don't you just wing it and just try to guess yeah yeah

00:35:28Guest:88.

00:35:28Marc:That's pretty good, right?

00:35:30Guest:Yeah, that's good.

00:35:30Guest:That means you're still producing sperm at a good level.

00:35:33Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:35Guest:It's got to be a little colder than 98.6, guys.

00:35:37Guest:Come on, science.

00:35:40Guest:It's true, right?

00:35:41Marc:Yeah.

00:35:41Marc:So what is this thing you won?

00:35:43Guest:Oh, best comedian for ECNY and then best host and best variety show for the variety show.

00:35:49Guest:Well, Kristen, Shaw, and I both won best host for our show Hot Tub and then that show Hot Tub won best variety show as well.

00:35:56Guest:Congratulations.

00:35:56Guest:Thank you.

00:35:57Guest:I was excited.

00:35:58Guest:and what about the other thing the thing the other tell your friends thing oh yeah yeah so yeah we're both in it you haven't seen it is it good yes it is good it's actually really good how long am i in it for uh you got a lot of parts and you say smart interesting things holy shit that's great fucking you nail it so they didn't use a part where i'm juggling and crying

00:36:18Guest:Oh, no, that's in there.

00:36:20Guest:That's a smart, interesting thing you say.

00:36:21Guest:Everything else is you just staring dumbly at the camera.

00:36:26Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:36:26Guest:It's good.

00:36:27Guest:It's about, like, the movie is about the kind of the indie comedy scene in New York City.

00:36:32Guest:And Reggie Watts, me and Kristen Schaal, Leo Allen, Rob Parvaney, and Liam McEnany are all in it.

00:36:38Guest:And then we have, there's interviews with Mark and Janine Garofalo, Colin Quinn.

00:36:43Guest:And it's cool.

00:36:44Guest:It kind of, like, shows, it was directed by Victor Renato, and it kind of shows what...

00:36:48Marc:that new york city scene that we all came up in jenna and i at least yeah like what it was it's weird because this this room i don't know if you know this i don't know if i did i talk about it just now on the other podcast i feel like i might have just talked about it that room the tell your friends room yeah it's it's literally in a basement it seats four people it's four people yeah and you just sit there and he always uses that same musical group that plays like brief view of the hudson and they're in the movie as well

00:37:11Marc:Proto-hippie music.

00:37:12Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:13Guest:It's a really narrow hallway.

00:37:15Guest:It's a really weird space.

00:37:17Marc:So you just got here today?

00:37:19Guest:Yeah, I literally just flew in.

00:37:20Guest:Have you been to Texas before?

00:37:22Guest:I have.

00:37:22Guest:I performed here last year, and that was the only time.

00:37:25Marc:Say something nice about their city.

00:37:26Marc:They really like it.

00:37:27Guest:Oh, man.

00:37:28Guest:It's weird that you say Guadalupe.

00:37:33Guest:But I love you for it, because you're like, fuck you, Mexico.

00:37:36Guest:Fuck you.

00:37:37Guest:It's Guadalupe.

00:37:39Guest:Is that how you say it?

00:37:40Yeah.

00:37:42Marc:I grew up in, you know, it's Guadalupe.

00:37:45Guest:They also say guacamole.

00:37:46Marc:No, they do not.

00:37:47Guest:I just made that up.

00:37:50Guest:They're just Hades.

00:37:52Marc:Kurt Braunohler, ladies and gentlemen.

00:37:54Marc:Braunohler.

00:37:56Marc:Braunohler.

00:37:59Marc:Oh, are we moving down?

00:38:02Marc:Sure.

00:38:03Marc:Give Brett a mic.

00:38:04Marc:Yeah, I have to be honest about this next guy.

00:38:05Marc:I've seen him a lot, and I think he's really funny, but he makes me uncomfortable because he's so willing to do weird shit.

00:38:13Marc:And I saw him do this thing called, is it the Thousand Cats, Brett?

00:38:17Marc:Did you guys see A Thousand Cats?

00:38:19Marc:Did you have the same experience I did where you're sitting at home going, why is this guy doing this?

00:38:25Marc:And he's so committed to it that you actually, I cried at the end of that.

00:38:30Marc:Is that what you were gunning for?

00:38:31Marc:Brett Gelman, ladies and gentlemen.

00:38:40Guest:Hey, buddy.

00:38:41Marc:What's up, man?

00:38:42Guest:How you doing?

00:38:42Marc:Good.

00:38:43Guest:I'm very excited, very flattered you have me on here.

00:38:46Marc:You're like a song and dance man.

00:38:49Marc:I can be.

00:38:50Marc:I've decided that.

00:38:51Guest:I can be, yeah.

00:38:51Marc:I don't know how the fuck you get up there.

00:38:53Marc:What was the inspiration behind A Thousand Cats?

00:38:56Marc:I mean, what was it on paper?

00:38:58Guest:That show...

00:39:00Guest:was I had been performing live on and off for eight years before it was filmed.

00:39:07Marc:No, you have not.

00:39:08Guest:I was.

00:39:08Marc:I saw it back eight years ago.

00:39:10Guest:I performed that show for like... Tell the people what it is.

00:39:14Guest:Um, it's complete stupidity taken deadly seriously.

00:39:20Guest:But what's that?

00:39:21Guest:Yeah, I dress up in a black unitard and cat ears, and I sing and dance, and I do this musical, this one-man musical, where I switch from cat to cat.

00:39:32Guest:And, uh... It's...

00:39:35Guest:It's this heavy-handed metaphor for a human evolution.

00:39:39Guest:And, you know, there's the roller skating cats, the robot cats, the military cats.

00:39:47Guest:There's God.

00:39:48Guest:I guess he's a cat.

00:39:50Guest:The robot cats are my favorite.

00:39:52Guest:The robot cats.

00:39:53Guest:Kurt saw it.

00:39:54Guest:I saw it eight years ago.

00:39:55Guest:We're old friends.

00:39:58Marc:But you do realize that you committed eight years of your life to this.

00:40:02Guest:I did.

00:40:02Guest:Well, I took like a three or four year break.

00:40:06Guest:Why?

00:40:06Guest:Because it got too heavy?

00:40:07Guest:No, I just was like, no, I was doing it and nobody gave a shit about it.

00:40:12Guest:I would get like six people in the audience and then I came to LA.

00:40:16Guest:With six people.

00:40:17Guest:I will pat myself on the back for saying that whether it's six or whether it's 600, which I've never played that many people, I do the same show.

00:40:28Guest:Because if not, it would, I mean, I would kill myself afterwards.

00:40:32Marc:But you never have had moments where you're in the unitard with the cat ears going, what's wrong with you people?

00:40:37Guest:Oh, I would do that.

00:40:38Guest:I would do that in shows.

00:40:39Guest:I did a show in Brooklyn where there was a full bar going on.

00:40:45Guest:It was a gigantic space in Williamsburg.

00:40:48Guest:Full bar going on.

00:40:50Guest:And I would just stay in character.

00:40:51Guest:I'd be like, shut up!

00:40:53Guest:Shut up!

00:40:54Guest:Listen!

00:40:55Guest:You will all die!

00:40:57Guest:You know, like, things like that.

00:40:59Guest:And I did it after it was filmed.

00:41:03Guest:Yeah.

00:41:04Guest:I did it in Telluride.

00:41:05Guest:Yeah.

00:41:07Guest:And they did not like it.

00:41:08Guest:They did not like it.

00:41:12Guest:And I was like, I just, I went all the way through with it.

00:41:18Guest:And there's a part at the end, you know, where...

00:41:21Guest:It goes, there's a blackout.

00:41:24Guest:And I go, and the lights come up a little bit.

00:41:28Guest:But in live performance, I do this in the black.

00:41:33Guest:And I say, I bet you're all wondering who the 1,000th cat is.

00:41:38Guest:Well, I'll tell you all something.

00:41:40Guest:The 1,000th cat is you.

00:41:47Guest:And I was so pissed off at these people.

00:41:50Guest:And instead of saying that, I said, you are all the reason why the world is coming to an end.

00:42:04Guest:You are the reason.

00:42:05Guest:And because of you, we will be dead in two years.

00:42:10Guest:And I walked off stage.

00:42:12Guest:In your unitard?

00:42:13Guest:It did not go well.

00:42:14Marc:It did not go well.

00:42:15Marc:But what inspired it?

00:42:16Marc:Because you know there's a fairly popular Broadway show called Cats.

00:42:19Guest:It was actually not inspired by cats.

00:42:23Guest:Even though I had seen Cats.

00:42:24Guest:I'm sure subconsciously it was inspired by cats.

00:42:27Guest:But...

00:42:28Guest:I was doing, I went to North Carolina.

00:42:30Guest:So wait, you never thought during all eight years.

00:42:33Guest:No, I did.

00:42:34Guest:I did think about Cats.

00:42:36Guest:Okay.

00:42:36Guest:But I didn't try to make it a parody of Cats.

00:42:40Guest:Okay.

00:42:40Guest:Because Cats is a parody of itself.

00:42:42Guest:Sure.

00:42:42Marc:Yours is something different.

00:42:44Marc:It's elevated.

00:42:45Guest:Yeah, I don't know what it is, but it is different than that.

00:42:47Marc:But you committed to it for eight years.

00:42:48Marc:Yeah.

00:42:48Marc:That's the experience I had watching it, where I was like, how do guys...

00:42:52Marc:How do you write it down?

00:42:55Marc:Maybe the first time you wrote it down, show just me dress as cat.

00:42:59Guest:Well, yeah.

00:43:02Guest:I went to theater school.

00:43:03Guest:I went to North Carolina School of the Arts.

00:43:05Guest:That explains it.

00:43:07Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:43:08Guest:Bing, bing, bing.

00:43:09Guest:Yeah.

00:43:10Guest:Boom.

00:43:11Guest:Lots of music and dancing.

00:43:14Guest:Also, Shakespearean, Chekhov.

00:43:17Guest:So you're a musical guy?

00:43:20Guest:No, no, no.

00:43:20Guest:I'm not a musical guy.

00:43:22Marc:Don't get defensive.

00:43:23Guest:I didn't say anything more than that.

00:43:25Guest:Did I get defensive?

00:43:26Guest:A little bit.

00:43:26Guest:I probably did.

00:43:27Guest:I'm not a musical guy.

00:43:29Guest:But you did a musical dress as a cat.

00:43:31Guest:Yeah, I did.

00:43:32Guest:So I am a musical guy.

00:43:33Guest:I do like musicals.

00:43:35Guest:I'm not going to slam.

00:43:36Guest:There are some brilliant musicals.

00:43:38Guest:Sondheim's musicals are really, regardless if you like them or not, you have to admire the story and his composition is really complex.

00:43:46Marc:If there are more than three people singing at once, I get very emotional.

00:43:50Marc:I don't know why.

00:43:51Marc:Anytime.

00:43:52Marc:Singing in the Rain is one of the best films ever made, in my opinion.

00:43:56Marc:Yeah, it's all about crying.

00:43:57Guest:Yeah.

00:43:58Guest:Even during the joyful parts, you cry.

00:44:00Marc:No, I just get overwhelmed at the emotion of singing.

00:44:03Marc:And there's part of me that wants, like, I wish, like, I don't know if it's too late to do something like this, but could maybe someday me and you do a musical?

00:44:12Marc:I would love that.

00:44:14Marc:But I want to dance and sing.

00:44:16Guest:Yeah, we should do WTF the musical.

00:44:20What?

00:44:20Guest:Yes.

00:44:21Guest:Wouldn't that be amazing?

00:44:23Guest:Because I think the musical number of your intro and then you bring on different guests.

00:44:27Guest:Yeah.

00:44:28Guest:And they could play people or the people could play themselves.

00:44:31Marc:Yeah.

00:44:32Marc:And it starts off with me going, I'm sorry.

00:44:36Marc:I was mean to you, Brad.

00:44:40Guest:I don't understand your city.

00:44:43Guest:No offense.

00:44:46Guest:But you're all a bunch of asshole hipsters.

00:44:52Guest:And then we just go, asshole hipsters.

00:44:55Guest:Then it goes into a big number.

00:44:56Guest:I will do that with you.

00:44:58Guest:I think we just did enough.

00:44:59Guest:I will write that.

00:45:00Guest:I will write that and get that composed.

00:45:02Guest:We'll write that.

00:45:03Marc:Isn't it weird how you can just do musical because they're so the same in a way that I think I have this desire to do a musical.

00:45:12Marc:I'd like to try it.

00:45:14Guest:I'm serious.

00:45:14Marc:I'm kind of serious too.

00:45:16Marc:I want to do scenes from Neil Simon plays with Eddie Pepitone and I want to do...

00:45:21Marc:That would be amazing.

00:45:22Marc:How could we not do the Sunshine Boys?

00:45:24Marc:If me and Eddie Pepitone did the Sunshine Boys and maybe the Odd Couple.

00:45:29Guest:I would pay money to see that.

00:45:31Marc:I just don't know who would be Felix.

00:45:33Marc:I think it would have to be Eddie.

00:45:35Guest:It would be Eddie.

00:45:36Guest:Yeah, absolutely.

00:45:37Guest:But you would be a very interesting Oscar.

00:45:41Guest:I think I would.

00:45:42Guest:You would.

00:45:43Guest:You'd be a very, you'd be great as Oscar.

00:45:46Guest:Yeah.

00:45:46Guest:Things that he's going through.

00:45:47Marc:Yeah, I could live with that.

00:45:48Marc:Yeah, you can relate to that big time.

00:45:50Marc:So would you like to do a little taste of the cat show for us?

00:45:54Marc:Can I do that?

00:45:55Marc:Yeah.

00:45:55Marc:Is that legal?

00:45:57Marc:Can you do it acapella?

00:45:59Marc:Can you do it without the music?

00:46:02Marc:Yeah, I think I can.

00:46:03Guest:Okay.

00:46:06Guest:1,000 cats.

00:46:09Guest:I'll do it slow and moody.

00:46:11Guest:1,000 cats.

00:46:15Guest:1,000 cats.

00:46:18Guest:1,000 stories, 9,000 lives.

00:46:22Guest:1,000 cats, 1,000 stories, 9,000 lives.

00:46:31Guest:We're cats.

00:46:33Guest:We're living and ready to strive.

00:46:37Guest:Yes, it's 1,000 cats, 1,000 stories, 9,000 lives.

00:46:50Marc:Great government, ladies and gentlemen.

00:46:52Thank you.

00:46:55Marc:That was eight years of work that you just heard.

00:46:57Marc:Eight years of commitment to 1,000 cats.

00:47:04Marc:Holy fuck.

00:47:05Guest:And the best part is that the show really does follow 1,000 cats.

00:47:10Guest:He doesn't leave a single cat out.

00:47:12Marc:I found it moving.

00:47:14Marc:I mean, it's hilarious, and it's a little embarrassing, but I found it just because he was so committed to it.

00:47:20Marc:All right, I'm not going to sit here.

00:47:23Marc:My next guest, I'm very happy is here because I'm slowly trying to get every member of the state.

00:47:33Marc:Please welcome Ben Grant to the stage.

00:47:41Guest:Thank you for having me.

00:47:43Marc:Nice to see you.

00:47:45Marc:Thanks.

00:47:45Marc:It's very interesting that I don't know you as well as some of the other ones.

00:47:48Guest:No, we've been around each other for 20-something years.

00:47:52Guest:I know.

00:47:52Guest:In the same bars and in the same parties and everything.

00:47:55Guest:Yeah.

00:47:55Guest:I'm pretty introverted, so I don't get out much.

00:47:57Marc:You're like the drummer of the state.

00:47:58Marc:Thank you.

00:48:00Marc:All right, sure.

00:48:01Marc:Ringo.

00:48:02Marc:Okay, I'll take it.

00:48:03Marc:Yeah.

00:48:04Marc:No, I just mean like, look, I've had Tom on the show.

00:48:07Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:08Marc:I've had Michael.

00:48:09Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:09Marc:I've had the other Michael on.

00:48:11Guest:Okay.

00:48:11Marc:Yeah.

00:48:12Guest:So you haven't had Jan.

00:48:13Guest:You've had two of the Michaels.

00:48:14Guest:You've had the Stella Michaels.

00:48:15Guest:Yeah, I had the difficult Michaels.

00:48:17Guest:Okay.

00:48:17Guest:Yeah.

00:48:18Guest:Oh, no, you didn't.

00:48:19Guest:Really?

00:48:19Guest:No, you didn't.

00:48:20Guest:Yeah, Jan's the difficult Michael.

00:48:22Marc:Yeah, but what I realized after talking to Tom and being around Tom is that for you, do you get to talk at all?

00:48:29Guest:No.

00:48:29Marc:It's great.

00:48:30Guest:Yeah, it's great.

00:48:31Guest:Yeah, I mean, selling movies is what we do together.

00:48:34Guest:Yeah.

00:48:34Guest:And it's bells and whistles is 90% of it.

00:48:37Guest:You go in there and go, oh, hey, look, and he does that great.

00:48:40Guest:And so I just sit there and pitch the movie.

00:48:43Guest:It's wonderful.

00:48:43Guest:Now, are you doing a... How many of the museums are there?

00:48:48Guest:A script of the third one has been done for a while.

00:48:51Guest:I don't know.

00:48:52Guest:The last one only made... It didn't make as much as the first one, so they're probably not going to make it.

00:48:57Marc:I'll ask you the same question I asked Tom.

00:49:00Marc:Because you also do Reno 911.

00:49:02Marc:You do other projects.

00:49:03Marc:You're...

00:49:06Marc:Thank you.

00:49:08Marc:Thanks.

00:49:08Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:49:09Marc:Well, I guess my question is, and I asked Tom Lennon the same thing, is do you have any, do you feel like because that movie is for children and clearly a big, I wouldn't say that the same people that clap for that, if you said, Night at the Museum.

00:49:24Marc:Herbie Fully Loaded, right?

00:49:26Guest:Yeah, right?

00:49:27Guest:You did that?

00:49:28Guest:I did that, yeah.

00:49:28Guest:That's right.

00:49:29Guest:I talked to Tom about that.

00:49:30Guest:Herbie Fully Loaded, yeah.

00:49:31Guest:Fucking Buddy Hackett.

00:49:32Guest:Did you watch the original Herbie?

00:49:34Guest:I was a big fan of the original ones.

00:49:35Guest:Loved him.

00:49:35Guest:Buddy Hackett was great.

00:49:36Guest:He played a beatnik.

00:49:37Guest:He played a beatnik.

00:49:38Guest:What fucking casting decision got to Buddy Hackett

00:49:41Guest:for the beatnik guy and there's actually like he has a monologue that's sort of this weird philosophical monologue cars have energy everybody's got energy man and he's like you know he's in like he's got a beret and a black sweater and he's supposed to be a beatnik in san francisco like all right could you do more buddy hacking yeah i was at his wake you were bring things down yeah

00:50:03Guest:No, but yeah, I love those movies.

00:50:05Marc:I wrote him a fan letter when I was 14, that Buddy Hackett.

00:50:08Marc:He sent me an autographed picture.

00:50:09Guest:Yeah, your buddy's with Jeff Ross.

00:50:11Guest:I am buddies with Jeff Ross.

00:50:13Guest:He mentored him for years and years and years.

00:50:15Marc:Yeah, Jeff Ross is an interesting character.

00:50:17Marc:The way I tell people about Jeff Ross, did you ever see the movie The Shining?

00:50:21Guest:Yes.

00:50:22Marc:You know, at the end where he looks at the picture.

00:50:24Guest:And he sent it the whole time.

00:50:25Marc:Right, the butler says, you've always been here.

00:50:27Marc:Jeff has always been here.

00:50:28Guest:He's always been a friar.

00:50:29Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:50:29Guest:He's always been a friar.

00:50:31Marc:He's always been that weird DNA of Jewish comedy.

00:50:34Guest:I'm just glad they still, they televised those roasts just so Jeff can be on TV.

00:50:38Guest:You know?

00:50:39Guest:Because he's funny.

00:50:40Guest:He's so funny.

00:50:41Marc:So now, in terms of like, I always ask the state guys the same thing.

00:50:45Marc:How did you brainwash thousands and thousands of 13-year-olds

00:50:49Guest:Kids were discovering drugs at the same time that MTV was invented.

00:50:54Guest:And so it was like the perfect combo of us just doing weird stuff.

00:50:58Guest:And we didn't have any bosses who'd ever done scripted television.

00:51:01Guest:So there was nobody giving us notes.

00:51:03Guest:So it was just a bunch of college acid heads doing a TV show.

00:51:07Marc:And you keep them.

00:51:08Marc:That's the amazing thing is that you guys somehow managed to... We're still buddies.

00:51:12Marc:Right.

00:51:12Marc:None of you are pissed off at each other.

00:51:15Guest:Everybody's always quietly pissed off at each other.

00:51:17Guest:Yeah, but we get along.

00:51:19Guest:Yeah, it's great.

00:51:19Guest:And nobody's dead.

00:51:20Guest:Can't believe it.

00:51:21Guest:That's crazy.

00:51:21Marc:Yeah.

00:51:22Marc:When did you have it defined?

00:51:24Marc:Was there a sense of what everyone could do?

00:51:26Guest:Yes.

00:51:27Guest:But we were also very passive aggressive because everybody, we were with 11 guys who were constantly undermining each other because the more scripts that you got out there,

00:51:38Guest:the more you got to be on the show.

00:51:39Guest:Like, our rule was if you wrote the script, you got to cast it.

00:51:43Guest:And so it was, we were great friends, but incredibly competitive.

00:51:46Guest:But we came, like, Ken Marino punched Mike Jan in the face once.

00:51:50Guest:That's great.

00:51:51Guest:Like, in a meeting.

00:51:52Guest:Like, you're in a meeting around a table, and we used to, people used to scream at each other and cry.

00:51:57Marc:Do you remember what that was about?

00:51:58Guest:Was it something like, I get to wear the nose?

00:51:59Guest:It was about a...

00:52:00Guest:It was about some edit of a sketch talking literally like seconds.

00:52:05Guest:Well, I think it's funny if we let it play.

00:52:06Guest:I think if we let it play out 20 seconds, it'll be funny.

00:52:08Guest:It'll be funny.

00:52:09Guest:No, we just have to cut it short.

00:52:10Guest:Wham!

00:52:11Guest:And people used to argue about who should direct everything.

00:52:15Guest:It was crazy.

00:52:16Marc:Now, was there a time, and I keep trying to get state guys to cop to some part of this.

00:52:20Marc:Was there a point when all of you said, like, fucking Michael's out?

00:52:26Guest:Not Michael, no.

00:52:30Guest:Okay, I just choose him.

00:52:33Guest:There was a brief period where Tom Lennon was so depressed and hated all of us so much, it was like season two, that he was gonna quit.

00:52:41Guest:And we literally had a stripper come to the office with the 40 of Budweiser.

00:52:46Guest:with a note from all of us that we signed that we you know please stay in the group and it did it it flipped him like he stayed like but but people people there was always there was always a dark uh cloud over us yeah and we were always such we were all assholes like you would go everywhere you went you'd go to like a party at saturday night live or something and somebody would corner you and be like you guys fucking hate us and you guys think you're better than us and you'd say

00:53:08Guest:I don't know who you talk to, but I'm sure Showalter said that, and I'm sorry.

00:53:14Guest:You know, like, but, like, we just, you're always putting out fires.

00:53:16Guest:It's crazy.

00:53:17Guest:Yeah.

00:53:18Guest:It's an adventure.

00:53:19Marc:So what's the next thing?

00:53:20Marc:You do another movie?

00:53:22Guest:Do another movie?

00:53:22Guest:I have our first production meeting day after tomorrow.

00:53:26Guest:We McGinty.

00:53:27Guest:It's Bourne Identity with a Leprechaun.

00:53:30Guest:Not a joke.

00:53:31Guest:Not a joke.

00:53:32Guest:Yeah.

00:53:32Guest:First summit.

00:53:32Guest:It's going to be great.

00:53:33Guest:We'll see how it goes.

00:53:34Guest:It's a comedy, right?

00:53:35Guest:It's a family comedy.

00:53:36Guest:Yep.

00:53:37Guest:Yep.

00:53:38Guest:And you've got the script written?

00:53:39Guest:Done.

00:53:40Guest:We're going into production theoretically.

00:53:42Guest:Movies go away if you look at somebody funny.

00:53:43Guest:But we're having a production meeting.

00:53:45Marc:We'll see.

00:53:46Marc:Does the, is it really a take on the Bourne identity?

00:53:49Guest:No, it's a guy, it's a little short guy who works at a firehouse.

00:53:52Guest:He was dropped off there in a basket and he doesn't remember who he is.

00:53:57Guest:And it comes out gradually, he's the king of the leprechauns.

00:54:03Guest:Tom's the villain, who's like an evil D&D guy who got all of his wishes granted.

00:54:07Guest:And so now he has a show with like, he's Dr. Cronos and he's got a nurse who's painted green.

00:54:12Guest:Yeah, it ain't heady shit.

00:54:16Guest:I'm never going to get nominated for anything, but beach digging ditches.

00:54:21Guest:It does, right?

00:54:22Guest:So it's a job.

00:54:23Guest:It's awesome.

00:54:23Guest:It's great.

00:54:24Guest:Did you ever have a job before you did comedy?

00:54:26Guest:I was... Oh, God.

00:54:27Guest:Barbecue.

00:54:28Guest:This is the first time I've had barbecue since I worked at Calhoun's Barbecue in Knoxville, Tennessee.

00:54:33Guest:where I used to have to wade through the dumpster to get bones for people's dogs at 16.

00:54:40Guest:They were like, hey, get wrapped in bones up for my dog.

00:54:42Guest:And they were like, hey, you got more bones in the back?

00:54:44Guest:And they tip you like $4.

00:54:46Guest:And you'd go and dig around in a dumpster for bones.

00:54:50Guest:And so it took, and I smelled, I'd barbecue, I'd go to high school and I had barbecue under my fingernails and I smelled like barbecue.

00:54:56Guest:So, coming here and having barbecue was a big emotional, like, step.

00:55:00Guest:It was a big, like, okay, I'm ready to have barbecue.

00:55:03Guest:It's only been 22 years.

00:55:04Guest:I'm going to do it.

00:55:05Marc:Yeah.

00:55:06Marc:And you got through the whole plate without going, no!

00:55:10Guest:No, I did it.

00:55:11Guest:Did you enjoy it?

00:55:11Guest:And then I was a security guard at Reminiscence in New York.

00:55:14Guest:Remember that place?

00:55:15Guest:It was like that punk place, like, down on 7 and 8.

00:55:19Guest:Like across from the Crate Bar.

00:55:22Guest:But it was a punk clothing store.

00:55:23Guest:And I had a shaved head and all their security guys were skinheads.

00:55:26Guest:And so they hired me to stand in the back and look at people.

00:55:30Marc:Better than diving in dumpsters for bones.

00:55:32Guest:A little bit.

00:55:33Guest:We'll have better conversation diving for bones.

00:55:37Guest:We've done great.

00:55:38Marc:Thank you for having me.

00:55:38Guest:Ben Grant.

00:55:39Guest:Thank you.

00:55:45Marc:all right so i i think i like we're which it's shane now right this is awesome because i had him on the show that was it turned out to be a premium show uh in uh in aspen and i decided that he was uh being affected by the altitude and that we should have money shane moss ladies and gentlemen

00:56:11Guest:I thought I killed it on that episode.

00:56:13Marc:No, you did kill it.

00:56:13Guest:I thought I had a really good story.

00:56:15Marc:You did.

00:56:16Marc:You did kill it.

00:56:17Marc:I just wanted to have you on the show where everyone can hear you.

00:56:21Marc:Oh, wonderful.

00:56:22Marc:Now, let me ask you something.

00:56:22Marc:So you moved to Austin?

00:56:24Marc:Yeah, I moved here in August.

00:56:26Marc:Now, in terms of, like, I'm just trying to process the decision.

00:56:30Marc:I'm going to be a comic.

00:56:31Marc:I've been doing this a while.

00:56:32Marc:Austin.

00:56:34Guest:No, it had nothing to do with comedy.

00:56:37Guest:I'm on the road all the time, and I wanted to move out of Boston

00:56:42Guest:Not to a place that rhymed.

00:56:43Guest:We didn't plan that.

00:56:45Guest:And I hate winter.

00:56:48Guest:And I was looking at L.A.

00:56:50Guest:a little bit.

00:56:51Guest:I kind of don't like the idea of New York or L.A.

00:56:55Guest:living there.

00:56:56Guest:I like visiting them.

00:56:57Guest:And then so I came and visited here for the first time.

00:57:00Guest:I did some shows.

00:57:01Guest:And I was like, yep, this is where I'm going to move because it's a cool city.

00:57:04Guest:Thank you.

00:57:06Guest:Also, my girlfriend's family is from Dallas.

00:57:12Guest:That was part of it.

00:57:13Marc:So your girlfriend's Texan?

00:57:16Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:57:16Guest:She doesn't sound like it.

00:57:19Guest:She doesn't have the Texas accent, so I give it to her sometimes when she's talking to me.

00:57:26Guest:I'm just like, oh, yeah, we're in trouble now.

00:57:27Guest:That's what I make her sound like in my mind, even though she's talking like a normal.

00:57:34Guest:I don't know.

00:57:34Guest:It's just fun to...

00:57:37Marc:See how it comes out?

00:57:38Marc:Just a little bit?

00:57:38Guest:Normal.

00:57:39Guest:Well, she's from Dallas.

00:57:40Guest:And the more inside a city you are, the less of an accent that you have.

00:57:45Guest:I'm not from a city.

00:57:47Guest:That's why I have.

00:57:47Guest:I'm from Wisconsin.

00:57:48Guest:That's why you can probably hear.

00:57:50Guest:Like, where is that?

00:57:52Guest:It's Wisconsin.

00:57:53Guest:I'm not Canadian.

00:57:55Guest:But yeah, so the further outside of the city you are, the more of an accent people have.

00:58:01Guest:Is that true?

00:58:02Guest:Because I don't think I have any accent.

00:58:05Guest:I don't know.

00:58:06Guest:I can't ever hear people's accents.

00:58:09Guest:I moved to Boston and everyone was like, hey, you got a fucking accent.

00:58:13Guest:I don't know how to do it.

00:58:15Marc:We got a fucking accent.

00:58:17Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:58:18Guest:And I was like, to me, you sound weird.

00:58:21Guest:They do sound weird.

00:58:23Marc:There's no doubt about it.

00:58:24Marc:The Boston regional New England townie accent is one of the most grating, bizarre, most horrendous.

00:58:33Marc:It's literally like, you fuck!

00:58:34Guest:yeah yeah i don't even care what you just said it hurt me inside right right right you absorb it hey have a lovely fucking day yeah now i'm doing an italian thing but yeah no it's like i don't know how to do it but it's like every even if they're trying to be nice hey how about 50 bucks i'm like what yeah i wish i could do in a boston accent this is really embarrassing for me

00:58:58Marc:Well, you know, it's good that you tried.

00:59:01Marc:You put yourself out there and you tried.

00:59:02Guest:I tried very hard.

00:59:03Guest:I've always wanted to start a club in Rhode Island called, Hey, Wanna Yell at Someone?

00:59:10Guest:And then people go up there and then they put, like, just a person on stage.

00:59:14Guest:It doesn't matter.

00:59:15Guest:And then they just, like, yell horrible things at them.

00:59:19Guest:Do you get yelled at?

00:59:24Guest:It's weird because I had four nights with Pauly Shore.

00:59:29Guest:And so it was kind of my big break.

00:59:32Guest:And so I'm opening for him.

00:59:35Guest:Hey, buddy, just don't go too long.

00:59:38Guest:No, actually, Pauly Shore does not like doing a lot of time, so he was having me do lots of... Is he like his mother?

00:59:44Marc:So you're doing that whole, like, blonde hair thing, buddy?

00:59:47Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:59:48Guest:He's very worried that you're going to step on his stuff.

00:59:52Guest:I don't... Nah.

00:59:54Guest:Don't worry.

00:59:54Guest:I'm not doing any Pauly Shore shit tonight.

00:59:58Guest:It'll be fine.

01:00:00Guest:You'll do your jokes.

01:00:01Guest:They'll be very different than my jokes were.

01:00:04Marc:And, um... He sees Pauly, like, every week.

01:00:06Guest:As an employee of the Comedy Store, I'm taking the fifth on all questions.

01:00:12Guest:He's an amazing person, everybody.

01:00:13Guest:That's why I don't live in LA.

01:00:15Guest:That's why I don't live in LA.

01:00:16Guest:That's why you don't live in LA.

01:00:18Guest:This is audio only, right?

01:00:19Guest:Yeah.

01:00:21Guest:I'm free here.

01:00:22Guest:I can say what I like.

01:00:25Marc:Jen is back.

01:00:26Marc:So what happened?

01:00:26Guest:So, you know, I did a show in Rhode Island with him.

01:00:30Guest:That went really well.

01:00:31Guest:And I did some more shows.

01:00:33Guest:But the thing was, is one, okay, Pauly Shore draws about the most horrible amount of people imaginable.

01:00:39Guest:Because it's like, I mean, these are people that literally are like, I bet it'll be really good.

01:00:47Guest:Like, these aren't people going like...

01:00:49Guest:You know, ironically, to see Pauly Shore.

01:00:54Guest:They're pretty pumped about it.

01:00:56Guest:And so they go.

01:00:58Guest:And these people, they got these tickets.

01:01:01Guest:But the time on the tickets was like two hours before the show started.

01:01:07Guest:And there's like a bar and everything.

01:01:09Guest:And they are irate.

01:01:11Guest:And they already drove over.

01:01:12Guest:They can't be driving...

01:01:13Guest:10 minutes back to their trailer.

01:01:15Guest:They're already out, and I have to do that.

01:01:18Guest:Anyway, but they're there two hours early, and they're pissed off, and they just start slamming all sorts of drinks, right?

01:01:27Guest:And so then it gets to be showtime, and they're like, I'm backstage, and they're like, we have a great show for you.

01:01:33Guest:Pauly Shore's here.

01:01:34Guest:I just hear everyone be like, finally!

01:01:37Guest:And then they're like, and we have another great comedian coming up before him.

01:01:42Guest:And everyone's just like, fuck that!

01:01:47Guest:I walked out on stage.

01:01:48Guest:I have to do 30 minutes to get my, you know, 50 bucks or whatever the shitty comedy connection's paying me.

01:01:56Guest:And, um...

01:01:57Guest:Don't want to burn that fucking bridge because they paid me $100 a year for four years straight.

01:02:05Guest:I needed that shit.

01:02:07Guest:And so I walk out on stage and I have 500 drunk retards screaming at me.

01:02:17Guest:With retard strength.

01:02:20Guest:And I don't even mean to use that word a lot.

01:02:24Guest:I apologize, but that's how angry I am still about the situation.

01:02:29Guest:This is four years ago where I'm using slang words I don't endorse.

01:02:34Guest:And I walk out, and I was just like... But I stood there for five minutes without saying anything, just being cursed at, just going...

01:02:45Guest:I was like, oh, they'll stop eventually.

01:02:51Guest:And then I was like, hold on, hold on.

01:02:53Guest:I was like, I just have to be up here for a little while longer because Holly's not right.

01:02:59Guest:Like, I'm sorry about everything.

01:03:03Guest:That was like the first thing out of my mouth.

01:03:06Guest:It was just me apologizing.

01:03:08Guest:for being on stage and then like and then I started going I don't do crowd work and I'm not like quick off the like the top of my head I write my jokes yeah figure them out and then and and so I'm just like there's one table of these frat dudes in the middle and so I just did all this fratty poop joke stuff and then they were like

01:03:28Guest:Hey, guys, give them a chance.

01:03:33Guest:Give them a chance.

01:03:33Guest:After like 20 minutes, it's pretty awesome.

01:03:36Marc:That's the worst fucking feeling in the world when an audience member usurps, you're supposed to be a charge.

01:03:42Guest:And they're like, let the kid pass.

01:03:45Guest:I was in Appleton, Wisconsin, and someone, I heard them yelling shit at me the whole time, and everything was going well.

01:03:51Guest:I've been in this club many times.

01:03:53Guest:And then at the end, I do this funny joke about how I'm going to wrap up.

01:03:57Guest:It's kind of, whatever, it doesn't matter.

01:03:59Guest:It's not that funny.

01:04:00Guest:And then he's just like, about time.

01:04:03Guest:And I was like,

01:04:06Guest:Why are you here right now?

01:04:09Guest:And he's like, I liked the rest of the show until your segment.

01:04:14Guest:And I was just like, but why stay 45 minutes?

01:04:17Guest:He's like, I had five more minutes left and everyone was having a ball, I thought.

01:04:21Guest:Things were going good.

01:04:23Guest:But I kept on ignoring this because I heard his comments.

01:04:25Guest:And then finally he gets up.

01:04:28Guest:And because I'm like, he's like, I'm waiting for my bill.

01:04:31Guest:I'm like, don't take care of your bill.

01:04:33Guest:You can leave right now.

01:04:34Guest:Like, this is getting weird.

01:04:36Guest:You probably should just like leave.

01:04:38Guest:And then it came out and his girlfriend is all embarrassed and stuff.

01:04:41Guest:And then and then it came out that it was his birthday.

01:04:44Guest:And like everyone kind of.

01:04:48Guest:The audience is kind of like, oh, like I shouldn't be mean to him on his birthday.

01:04:54Guest:And then that fucking set me off.

01:04:57Guest:And I was just like, I don't give a fuck about my own birthday.

01:05:00Guest:You tubby fuck.

01:05:01Guest:I'm like screaming about weight.

01:05:05Guest:Two times I've done that now.

01:05:08Guest:I feel so bad for obese people.

01:05:10Guest:I really do.

01:05:11Guest:I think it's a horrible problem.

01:05:13Guest:Two times.

01:05:14Guest:People have hurt my feelings enough where I've screamed about how fat they are on stage in front of crowds.

01:05:19Marc:I don't care about my own birthday, you tubby fuck.

01:05:24Guest:There was more.

01:05:25Guest:I don't remember.

01:05:26Guest:It was really embarrassing.

01:05:28Guest:I have that on DVD, yeah.

01:05:32Guest:I had the thing recorded, not like for sale, like for my own personal issues.

01:05:37Marc:I think it should be the new CD title.

01:05:40Marc:Yeah.

01:05:40Marc:I don't give a fuck about my own birthday, you tubby fuck.

01:05:44Marc:Shane Moss, ladies and gentlemen.

01:05:47Marc:Ben Grant.

01:05:49Marc:Kurt Braunahler.

01:05:50Guest:Jenna Friedman.

01:05:53Guest:Nick Youssef.

01:05:55Guest:Doug Benson.

01:05:57Marc:Brett Gelman.

01:05:59Marc:Thank you for listening to WTF.

01:06:02Marc:I have some stickers if you want them.

01:06:04Marc:You guys are real fans.

01:06:08Marc:Thank you, Austin.