Episode 159 - Adam Carolla

Episode 159 • Released March 20, 2011 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Marc:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:Okay, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, what the fucking engineers.

00:00:30Marc:That one didn't work.

00:00:31Marc:I don't care.

00:00:31Marc:Whatever you want to call yourselves, this is Marc Maron.

00:00:34Marc:You are listening to WTF.

00:00:36Marc:I am still in Atlanta.

00:00:37Marc:I've been here since, well, it doesn't matter what the date is because you might not listen to this in the relative time necessary to appreciate the date, but I've been here for four days.

00:00:46Marc:It's been a long trip.

00:00:47Marc:Before this, I was at South by Southwest in Austin.

00:00:50Marc:Before that, I was in Brooklyn at the Bell House.

00:00:52Marc:It's been a great week or a week and a half of shows.

00:00:55Marc:It's been good travels.

00:00:57Marc:I'm ready to get home.

00:00:58Marc:I miss my cats.

00:00:59Marc:I'll admit it.

00:01:00Marc:I'll admit it.

00:01:02Marc:But today's guest in the garage is Adam Carolla.

00:01:05Marc:It took a while to get Adam to come over to the house, but we finally sat down and had a talk.

00:01:09Marc:Very interesting when two guys who live on microphones talk to each other on microphones.

00:01:15Marc:I hope you enjoy that conversation.

00:01:17Marc:But as I said, I am in Atlanta.

00:01:19Marc:I am sitting in my hotel room.

00:01:20Marc:I'm looking at a free souvenir, a small glass bottle from the world of Coca-Cola, which is literally across the street from where I'm staying.

00:01:30Marc:The world of Coca-Cola is the world.

00:01:35Marc:Coke is it.

00:01:36Marc:Coke is the real thing.

00:01:38Marc:I'd like to buy the world of Coke.

00:01:40Marc:Oh, man.

00:01:41Marc:Did my brain get fucked or what?

00:01:44Marc:I couldn't help myself but go over there.

00:01:45Marc:As some of you know, any of those of you who read my book, I made a journey to the Coca-Cola Museum back in the day before it was the world of Coke.

00:01:56Marc:And I had quite a powerful experience there.

00:01:58Marc:An experience that perhaps I should be ashamed of.

00:02:01Marc:Because I go to these places, you people have listened to me for a while, I go to these places with a certain ironic disposition.

00:02:09Marc:Not unlike the Creation Museum.

00:02:10Marc:I went there with an ironic disposition.

00:02:13Marc:I was going there as a statement opposite to what that museum was trying to put across.

00:02:20Marc:I knew that I, whoa, my brain just skipped like a CD.

00:02:25Marc:I went there knowing that my ideas and brain represented the opposite of what they were trying to present.

00:02:32Marc:And that is why I was there.

00:02:34Marc:I was an ironic experiment at the Creation Museum.

00:02:38Marc:Now it's a little different with the world of Coke.

00:02:40Marc:Because as I get older, my sense of irony starts to diminish in terms of what I can and can't condescend to.

00:02:46Marc:It's not that I necessarily have empathy for Coca-Cola.

00:02:50Marc:And there's part of me that knows that.

00:02:53Marc:that Coca-Cola represents one of the big, awful corporate entities, certainly one of the most prolific and malignant and well-spread corporate tentacles around the world and maybe even into space.

00:03:06Marc:Who knows where that secret formula came from?

00:03:09Marc:Coca-Cola is one of the great, evil, but great American corporations.

00:03:15Marc:And I have to be honest with you, when I saw the Coca-Cola world right down the street, there was no ironic detachment whatsoever.

00:03:23Marc:I thought, I want to go there.

00:03:25Marc:I have to go there.

00:03:26Marc:There's something drawing me there.

00:03:28Marc:There's a power much greater than me telling me to go to the world of Coca-Cola.

00:03:33Marc:I know it's at the end of that tour, a big, wonderful room for...

00:03:37Marc:full of soda machines where I can get my own soda and I can taste every Coca-Cola product from around the world.

00:03:44Marc:I can spend as long as I want in there just getting free sodas.

00:03:48Marc:I have to go in there.

00:03:50Marc:It's going to be great.

00:03:52Marc:And that was the way I felt.

00:03:54Marc:But then I also had the feeling of like, dude, you know, come on.

00:03:56Marc:This is a kind of evil.

00:03:58Marc:They've done some bad shit.

00:03:59Marc:You know, they busted some unions down in South America.

00:04:02Marc:You know, they've sucked up a lot of groundwater and farming communities.

00:04:05Marc:And I believe in India, you know, they got busted on their water product in the UK for being cancerous.

00:04:10Marc:I mean, they're not they're not.

00:04:12Marc:And on top of everything else, dude, they seem to have fucked your brain.

00:04:15Marc:But good.

00:04:16Marc:All right.

00:04:17Marc:The red, the white, the Coca-Cola, the little white stripe.

00:04:20Marc:Look, I'm not even a big Coca-Cola drinker, but I remember the difficult times back when new Coke came out and regular Coke was not going to be around anymore.

00:04:30Marc:The panic that set in with me and my roommates at college, you know, stockpiling boxes of the old Coke because it was important to us.

00:04:38Marc:It was it was what drove us.

00:04:40Marc:We were in the Coke machine.

00:04:42Marc:And I mean that mentally.

00:04:44Marc:I remember that.

00:04:45Marc:That was a tough time.

00:04:46Marc:But there was only so much you could stockpile.

00:04:48Marc:And then New Coke tanked out.

00:04:50Marc:We were happy.

00:04:51Marc:And then we got Classic Coke.

00:04:52Marc:And I was even more into it then.

00:04:54Marc:Man, did they fuck my head.

00:04:56Marc:Oh, my God.

00:04:57Marc:But I had to go into the world of Coke.

00:05:00Marc:No irony.

00:05:01Marc:Just respect.

00:05:03Marc:That bothers me.

00:05:05Marc:It bothers me because I was willing to make concessions.

00:05:08Marc:You wait online with hundreds of people.

00:05:10Marc:I was surprised.

00:05:11Marc:Hundreds of people to go to the world of Coke.

00:05:13Marc:The one thing I did know was that there's nothing in this building.

00:05:16Marc:There's nothing in this building but a celebration of advertising propaganda of one of the great evil American corporations.

00:05:23Marc:There's nothing else in there.

00:05:25Marc:Why is it so popular?

00:05:26Marc:I don't know, because everybody loves Coke, because everybody wants to get a free soda at the end.

00:05:32Marc:There wasn't even that big a line at the aquarium across the way, which is one of the biggest in the world, the aquarium in Atlanta.

00:05:39Marc:And in there, people could actually learn something about animals, about the environment, about oceans, about fish, about the future, about science.

00:05:49Marc:No, man, let's go to the Coke place.

00:05:52Marc:I want to go to the Coke place, because that's cool.

00:05:54Marc:Coke is cool.

00:05:55Marc:I like Coke.

00:05:55Marc:Let me get a hat.

00:05:56Marc:But there were hundreds of people.

00:05:58Marc:It was like a mecca.

00:05:59Marc:It was like a consumerist mecca.

00:06:01Marc:It was like consumerists who believed in consumerism were going to pay respect at one of the great corporate shrines of a great product.

00:06:10Marc:And I knew this going in.

00:06:13Marc:And you walk in.

00:06:14Marc:You walk into the first part.

00:06:16Marc:Where's my little book?

00:06:17Marc:Here's my little book.

00:06:18Marc:World of Coca-Cola.

00:06:20Marc:You walk into the first part and that's the lobby.

00:06:23Marc:And then you just sort of, you stand around and you look at these great big Coke bottles that were from around the world.

00:06:27Marc:They were artworks.

00:06:28Marc:The Coca-Cola company contracts some of the most talented artists in the world to do everything for them.

00:06:34Marc:It's amazing.

00:06:35Marc:I can't blame that artist for selling out.

00:06:37Marc:I mean, if you get offered millions of dollars to do a Coca-Cola commercial and use all of your skills and tools of collage, animation, filmmaking, sense of humor, why not?

00:06:47Marc:Yeah, I'll tell you why not.

00:06:48Marc:Because I believe it.

00:06:49Marc:I believe because of you, artists who do the work for Coca-Cola, that Coca-Cola is a wonderful thing, a magnanimous thing, an all-encompassing thing, a truth, a universal truth.

00:07:00Marc:This is what you're supposed to learn when you go to the Coca-Cola Museum.

00:07:03Marc:This is probably what you already believe, even if you think Diet Coke is bad for you or Coke is bad for you.

00:07:08Marc:I don't drink a lot of Coke, but I believe that Coca-Cola is a universal truth.

00:07:12Marc:How do I dismantle that?

00:07:15Marc:So you walk into the lobby, there are pictures of people from around the world.

00:07:18Marc:This is the theme of the Coca-Cola Museum is that they want you to believe that Coke transcends national and international conflict, national and international boundaries.

00:07:28Marc:Coke transcends all.

00:07:30Marc:Coke is all-encompassing.

00:07:32Marc:Coke is truth.

00:07:33Marc:It is an idea.

00:07:34Marc:It is a product.

00:07:35Marc:It is a reality.

00:07:36Marc:It's not even vague.

00:07:37Marc:It's not like the Creation Museum where the propaganda is trying to sell you bullshit that has been disproven.

00:07:44Marc:The propaganda at Coke is to get you to believe that Coke is the best soft drink in the world, and it is the world.

00:07:51Marc:And the one thing they have to show for that is the bottle of Coke that I'm holding in my hand right now.

00:07:56Marc:So on some level, it is not bullshit.

00:07:58Marc:I'm holding a Coke.

00:07:59Marc:The bullshit is that I believe this is the greatest thing ever at this moment.

00:08:04Marc:Coke.

00:08:04Marc:I'm dying to open this Coke.

00:08:06Marc:So there's pictures of people from all around the world.

00:08:08Marc:There's all this artwork.

00:08:09Marc:And then you go into a place called the Coca-Cola loft where you're surrounded by a history of Coca-Cola production, propaganda, advertising.

00:08:17Marc:It gets vague, you know, the difference between propaganda and advertising.

00:08:20Marc:Just the history of Coke posters, of Coke bottles, of Coke machines, things that I just walk by as being old things.

00:08:27Marc:And then you go into the Happiness Factory Theater.

00:08:29Marc:The Happiness Factory, and you're shown a very long extended version of that amazing animated commercial that Coke did with all the weird bugs and flying things and mutant sea cucumbers and aliens, and I couldn't even figure out what was going on, but I did notice that one of the giant floating sea cucumber type of things when it was being washed by other weird beings actually had six nipples on its underside that were all pierced, and I sort of, in my

00:08:54Marc:Pride of that artist.

00:08:55Marc:That artist made a decision to pierce the nipples of the weird alien being in the Coke commercial, thinking it would go unnoticed.

00:09:01Marc:But I appreciated that because I thought to myself, isn't Coca-Cola an American thing?

00:09:06Marc:Isn't there something disturbing to most mainstream people about pierced nipples?

00:09:11Marc:I thought that guy was being a rebel in presenting that.

00:09:15Marc:But then I realized that, no, Coca-Cola is for everybody of all kinds, of all beliefs.

00:09:20Marc:It doesn't matter.

00:09:21Marc:Man, I was drinking the Kool-Aid.

00:09:23Marc:I was drinking the Coca-Cola.

00:09:24Marc:And then you go from the Happiness Factory.

00:09:27Marc:And you get to meet the Coca-Cola polar bear.

00:09:29Marc:I wanted to get my picture taken with the bear.

00:09:32Marc:That was ironic.

00:09:33Marc:I knew that my presence next to the bear would be ridiculous and contrary and opposite to what was really supposed to be going on there.

00:09:39Marc:But I was happy to be hanging out next to the bear.

00:09:41Marc:I saw him as part of my business.

00:09:43Marc:This is a guy in show business.

00:09:45Marc:He's got to put a head on and a suit and sit there and sweat.

00:09:48Marc:But he's putting on a show.

00:09:50Marc:I'm not sure he's happy with his choices.

00:09:52Marc:And then you go into the Coca-Cola Connections room so you really understand how far-reaching Coca-Cola is.

00:09:57Marc:And then you go into the milestones of refreshment.

00:10:02Marc:What is that?

00:10:03Marc:You just walk through the history of Coke.

00:10:05Marc:You find out that this guy Pemberton had this secret recipe.

00:10:08Marc:They really hang on to that.

00:10:09Marc:What is that secret recipe and was Pemberton Satan?

00:10:12Marc:Was he Satan?

00:10:14Marc:Coca-Cola is bigger than anything I know.

00:10:16Marc:Did he make a Faustian bargain?

00:10:18Marc:Was it just cocaine?

00:10:19Marc:I don't know.

00:10:20Marc:Then you get to see how Coke is made.

00:10:22Marc:You go through a little bottle factory, which is impressive because American industry, back when there was American industry, was impressive.

00:10:29Marc:The one sad thing about the Coca-Cola bottle works is that not one human being there.

00:10:34Marc:No one loading anything.

00:10:35Marc:Just one dude at a control board, several machines, making the bottles of Coke that you will take with you on your way home.

00:10:42Marc:and then you go upstairs into the taste it room, and you get to taste things from around the world.

00:10:49Marc:I think it promotes, not only does it try to promote unity under the great banner of a product, of a corporate logo, of something larger than God,

00:10:58Marc:But I think it promotes racism in a way because it's hard not to walk through their tasting things and at some point going, oh, my God, that's disgusting.

00:11:06Marc:Where's that from?

00:11:07Marc:That country's stupid.

00:11:08Marc:How could they like that?

00:11:09Marc:But you try.

00:11:10Marc:And actually, I didn't really have that experience.

00:11:12Marc:The experience I had was, that's interesting.

00:11:14Marc:They have a different taste than we do.

00:11:16Marc:It was working.

00:11:18Marc:It was working.

00:11:19Marc:I walked out believing that, oh my God, Coca-Cola is some sort of truth.

00:11:25Marc:And this is exactly what the free marketers want you to believe.

00:11:28Marc:It's exactly what global capitalism is about.

00:11:30Marc:That this is what works.

00:11:33Marc:Monopolies.

00:11:34Marc:You have to have loyal faith in a product and build that faith so everybody believes in that product all around the world and they just keep shoving it into their dumb heads.

00:11:44Marc:Just sugar water, making fat, rotten teeth.

00:11:47Marc:But it's bigger than any of us.

00:11:50Marc:It's bigger.

00:11:52Marc:And I thought, this is awful.

00:11:54Marc:This is awful that I have these two sides of myself.

00:11:56Marc:I have the side of myself that wants to drink this Coke and enjoy it, maybe pour it over ice and just slam it down.

00:12:02Marc:And there's this other part of myself that thinks, oh my God, we are so fucked.

00:12:06Marc:Because this is really what global spirituality is about, the consistency of a brand, the consistency of a corporation to keep shoving that brand into our heads.

00:12:18Marc:Both of those sides, operative.

00:12:21Marc:And then in the last thing, there's a, well, it wasn't the last thing, but there was a theater where you watched a few Coke commercials.

00:12:27Marc:I'm trying to manage these two sides of me.

00:12:30Marc:And I see an older couple, maybe in their 60s, just sitting there in this theater together watching Coke commercials.

00:12:38Marc:The man's arm was around the woman.

00:12:40Marc:She was leaning on his shoulder.

00:12:42Marc:And I thought, how bad can it be?

00:12:44Marc:Those people are enjoying it.

00:12:47Marc:This brand makes them feel grounded.

00:12:49Marc:It gives them a sense of history, a sense of transcendence, a sense of connection to other people around the world.

00:12:56Marc:How bad can it be?

00:12:58Marc:And then the other side of me goes, dude, shut the fuck up.

00:13:00Marc:It's bad.

00:13:01Marc:It's fucking sugar water.

00:13:03Marc:It's a racket.

00:13:04Marc:It's hucksterism.

00:13:08Marc:But I think the most powerful thing

00:13:11Marc:thing that happened to me is that after drinking sodas from around the world, compulsively, excited, running from machine to machine, cutting in line to drink melon soda, pineapple soda, some strange tonic called Beverly that makes your face wince, sodas from South Africa, from India, from South America,

00:13:32Marc:from russia i don't know if there were any russia sodas but when i left the coca-cola museum or the world of coca-cola with my single bottle of free coke the commemorative one from the world of coke with the secret formula that's making me want to drink it right now as i walked out i had the worst gas pains

00:13:50Marc:My stomach felt upset.

00:13:51Marc:Something felt wrong inside of me.

00:13:54Marc:It was bubbling and churning.

00:13:55Marc:And I knew that I just had to start burping or else I'd be in trouble.

00:13:59Marc:I had the global world of sodas in my stomach.

00:14:02Marc:And it was unsettling.

00:14:04Marc:It felt bad.

00:14:06Marc:Then I started burping and I felt better.

00:14:09Marc:And those burps were the burps of global unity under the all-powerful banner of Coca-Cola.

00:14:17Marc:Just a little burp floating up into the air to mock God.

00:14:30Marc:So, alright, so you've made it over here.

00:14:33Marc:Yeah.

00:14:34Marc:You can hear yourself?

00:14:34Marc:Yeah.

00:14:36Marc:For some reason, I can't quite figure out why, but I was nervous.

00:14:42Marc:Really?

00:14:42Marc:A little intimidated.

00:14:43Marc:Why?

00:14:43Marc:I don't know.

00:14:44Marc:I've done your show twice, and there was always a lot of... I always got the feeling that for some reason there was just a small group of fans that we share, and then there seemed to be two teams.

00:14:55Marc:Yeah.

00:14:56Marc:That there's a few people that are like, come on, you guys, I like both of you, and then there's definitely Corolla people, and there's definitely people over here.

00:15:03Guest:Well, I'll apologize in advance for the Corolla people.

00:15:06Marc:I've actually called them Corolla tards.

00:15:10Marc:Fine.

00:15:11Guest:I felt bad about that, but...

00:15:13Guest:You know, it's a business where for some reason there has to be some acrimony between folks that are in the business.

00:15:21Guest:You feel that?

00:15:22Guest:Well, look, it's a very natural thing.

00:15:25Guest:Like Dr. Drew hated every other person with the name.

00:15:29Guest:He hated Julius Irving for the love of Christ.

00:15:31Guest:I'd explained to him that he wasn't actually a doctor.

00:15:34Guest:It's like Dr. Phil, Dr. Law, please give me a break.

00:15:38Guest:And every single, when I was a carpenter,

00:15:41Guest:You know, if any carpenter ever showed up at your house, they'd go, oh, Jesus, what hack worked on this house before you should have his fucking hands cut off?

00:15:48Marc:Now I've arrived.

00:15:49Marc:But it's a competition thing.

00:15:50Marc:But it seems to me that you and I, for some reason, are seen as two different male archetypes.

00:15:55Marc:Is that possible?

00:15:56Marc:I mean, you come here.

00:15:57Marc:This is my life.

00:15:58Marc:I've been to your garage.

00:16:00Marc:I look at cars.

00:16:00Marc:I don't understand them.

00:16:02Marc:This is what I live in.

00:16:03Marc:These are books I haven't read, but I do read them occasionally.

00:16:06Marc:Well, I think you're an artist, and I'm not.

00:16:08Marc:Is that what it is?

00:16:10Marc:I think that's what it is.

00:16:11Marc:Because I think that the last time I was on your show, I felt like we connected, we had a good conversation.

00:16:17Marc:And then I realized, well, we have a lot in common.

00:16:18Marc:We're both guys.

00:16:19Marc:But then there are these people that try to pit us apart.

00:16:22Marc:And then I realized that maybe, like I did this thing I was talking about the other night, that I don't know who you were in high school, but there's still part of me that if I see a kid in a letter jacket, there's part of me that goes, oh, fuck, be cool.

00:16:32Marc:Just don't look at him.

00:16:33Guest:All right.

00:16:34Guest:Well, I, you know, I had this thing where I was an all Valley football player in high school, but I never did get a Letterman jacket because it was like $72 and that was way, way too rich for the Corollas.

00:16:49Guest:And also I never wore my jersey on Friday, which was game day.

00:16:53Guest:You're supposed to wear your jersey to school, you know, and I didn't really participate in that.

00:16:57Guest:So you weren't a dick.

00:16:58Guest:No, I really I loved football.

00:17:01Guest:I was pretty good at it, but I never I never was a jock.

00:17:05Guest:Right.

00:17:06Guest:Say.

00:17:06Guest:Yeah.

00:17:06Guest:And I ended up getting class clown and all Central Valley football.

00:17:12Guest:So I had a nice mix going on.

00:17:15Guest:But my life was always so humbling.

00:17:18Guest:My family was always so humbling.

00:17:20Guest:My situation was always so humbling that I never had an opportunity to get an attitude about anything.

00:17:26Guest:And then did not, and should have, but I never overcompensated the other direction by being a dick.

00:17:32Marc:That's the one that I always had problems with.

00:17:34Marc:It was always overcompensating.

00:17:36Marc:Those guys were always just dicks for no reason.

00:17:39Marc:And they all turned out ugly.

00:17:40Guest:I always just had, well, it's when you have that kind of testosterone, the male pattern baldness is right behind the biceps.

00:17:47Guest:And then you there's it's not a coincidence.

00:17:50Guest:What it is, you eat.

00:17:52Guest:Yeah, you you still continue eating like you're doing two a day, you know, two a day workouts.

00:17:57Marc:There's a reason those guys look like that.

00:17:58Marc:I went to my reunion, my 25th, and I couldn't have felt more gratified that some of these dudes just turned out just fat, thick, bald, and ugly.

00:18:06Guest:But do you ever see those guys that, like, they're Armenian guys or the Israeli commando types, huge fighters?

00:18:13Guest:hairy forearms hair all over hair everywhere but they're right bottom soles of their feet yeah yeah yeah it just not the end of their cock like hair shaving lines on their forehead yeah like you're not sure like by the way when they're shaving and it goes down to their neck they just stop at a certain point and then there's a circle creates a collar yeah the color it's essentially like someone took the head off a bear suit right that's

00:18:36Guest:But but but bald.

00:18:38Guest:Yeah.

00:18:39Marc:It's too much testosterone.

00:18:41Marc:But, you know, I just don't understand.

00:18:43Marc:Like sometimes, like, you know, when people assume that we're different and I guess we are different.

00:18:48Marc:We both do what we do.

00:18:49Marc:I mean, what what made you decide?

00:18:51Marc:Because you take this takes a certain amount of ego to do this, to be on the mic.

00:18:56Marc:Sure.

00:18:56Marc:And I think we have more in common than some people are willing to let on.

00:19:00Marc:I mean, people say that you're a sexist, you're this, you're that.

00:19:03Marc:But I mean, I hear you discuss this stuff honestly from your own point of view.

00:19:07Marc:Yes.

00:19:08Guest:And I don't think you would see yourself that way, would you?

00:19:12Guest:No.

00:19:12Guest:I basically look at myself as a guy who...

00:19:15Guest:who's entitled to his opinion based on the experiences that he's had.

00:19:20Guest:And I don't want to stifle myself.

00:19:23Guest:I also, I don't have any dark place in my heart for any group or any gender.

00:19:29Guest:So I'm thus free to speak my mind about those groups and those genders.

00:19:32Guest:You know that about yourself.

00:19:34Guest:I mean, that's something you're- There's a certain freedom in not knowing you're an asshole.

00:19:41Right.

00:19:41Guest:it's liberating i've always known that i'm an asshole i know the thing that no what i mean is like you know that politician that's gay and uptight in a loveless relationship and having sex with male prostitutes and all he's the guy has to put the american flag on his lapel and the cross and talk about the family values and all that stuff and when you just see a picture of that guy he doesn't look like he knows who he is and he's sort of doing his impersonation of what a politician

00:20:08Guest:would look like if he actually loved his wife and had carnal knowledge of her and things like that he's just a frightened broken fucked up guy right who's but who's stuffed into an expensive suit and who's never never been a picture of him where he's been yeah unshaven and his hair's been out of out of place you're talking about most uh republicans right for me uh

00:20:29Guest:I'm just a guy who I don't have a care in the world as it pertains to women, men, Mexicans, blacks, Asians.

00:20:39Guest:I like everyone and don't like everyone, just sort of equally.

00:20:44Guest:And thus, I'll just give you my opinion.

00:20:46Guest:I don't have to stop and think like the politician where, hold on, I chug cock all the time.

00:20:52Guest:So this new legislation that's coming down, I should overcompensate and go this direction.

00:20:58Guest:Anti-cock.

00:20:58Guest:Yeah, I don't think that way.

00:21:01Marc:I just say what I observe and what I feel.

00:21:03Marc:I think that's an important point, that if you know in your heart that you don't have hatred towards these specific things, which would give you the ist name, whether it's racist or sexist or anything else, that if you know, then you're going to speak, and I speak my mind the same way, but occasionally you'll piss people off.

00:21:20Marc:Oh.

00:21:20Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:21:21Marc:Because we talked about that thing with Gallagher.

00:21:23Marc:You know, I personally I don't have any problem with how people express themselves.

00:21:28Marc:And the problem I had with that guy was and I talked to you about on your show is that he wouldn't own it.

00:21:32Marc:And then when I pushed him, it became clear that he was it.

00:21:36Marc:Right.

00:21:36Marc:And and that to me is disingenuous.

00:21:38Marc:I mean, I think most guys I know who talk about race, who are talking, you know, in what could be seen as a negative way about women are really just expressing their minds and they usually own their opinion.

00:21:47Guest:well also the proof is in the pudding in terms of how many women have i ever raised my hand to in my entire life or how many black guys have i fired because of the color of their skin i mean at a certain point i always say to people it's like accusing a guy of being a killer but there's no body like i don't care we've all contemplated you know shooting our nutty neighbor when you wouldn't turn the ranchero music off at four in the morning

00:22:15Guest:we've all had these homicidal thoughts we've all where i live yes you were lucky we might see fireworks tonight right we've all well look you got to celebrate a soccer win any way you can sawed off shotgun what have you the point is the point is this we've all had these thoughts right but if you don't act on these thoughts then you're just a human being that never murdered anyone

00:22:37Guest:And as far as being called a racist, misogynist, whatever, unless you run a business where you have a policy where you don't let people of color into the front door or a golf club or you're physically taking your Ike Turner and you're beating the shit out of your old lady, well then...

00:22:56Guest:then it's just sticks and stones at that point.

00:22:59Marc:You know what I'm saying?

00:23:00Marc:Yeah, absolutely.

00:23:00Marc:Do you think that at some level that there's this idea, and I believe it's true to a certain degree, that some, in airing it out and talking about it, does disarm some of the hatred or some of the bad opinions about race and women and that kind of stuff, and it relieves some of that tension.

00:23:18Marc:But there's a fine line between that and sort of maybe escalating it in the wrong type of brain.

00:23:23Guest:Well, if you put a joke behind it, it's nice, but it's also hard as a white male to... You don't really have license to talk about other... We're not the victims here?

00:23:35Marc:Other folks.

00:23:35Guest:Yeah, that's right.

00:23:36Guest:Yeah, well, you see... Does that bother you?

00:23:39Guest:Well...

00:23:40Guest:my feeling is is an opinion's an opinion sure you don't have to be on the pittsburgh steelers to break down the game film and have a discussion about what went wrong on super bowl sunday there's no reason you can't be coach i can coach him up from my living room you know yeah

00:23:55Guest:And that's the way I feel about life.

00:23:57Guest:And by the way, I have been a victim of racism and discrimination myself, just living in Los Angeles.

00:24:06Guest:When I was 18, 19 years old, I had no direction.

00:24:10Guest:I was completely rudderless.

00:24:12Guest:I barely graduated high school.

00:24:14Guest:But you never went the art route.

00:24:15Guest:See, I was pretty rudderless, but I'm surrounded by books.

00:24:18Guest:You never thought I'm going to- I couldn't read.

00:24:19Guest:I was sort of functionally literate.

00:24:21Guest:Really?

00:24:22Guest:Yeah.

00:24:22Guest:Yeah, and so I had no education, and I didn't read, I didn't get lost in the word.

00:24:27Guest:How did that happen?

00:24:30Guest:I was a product of the 70s, and I went to this sort of free-range, Billy Jack, hippie school.

00:24:36Guest:A lot of finger painting?

00:24:37Guest:Finger painting, dirt clod throwing, and things like that, throwing shit on... I mean, I can tell you the difference between a slab pot and a coil pot.

00:24:46Guest:Sure.

00:24:46Guest:I know everything about a potter's wheel.

00:24:49Guest:You were given the goods to be an artist, Adam.

00:24:51Guest:Right, but I never was handed a book, and I didn't want to read.

00:24:54Guest:I was so...

00:24:55Guest:insanely uh physical when i was a kid that all i wanted to do was wrestle and chuck dirt clods and play football and get guys in headlocks and it was like that's all i want to do and i went to a school that said hey man let your freak flag fly like whatever you want to do did you frighten them were they like he's a problem he's aggressive and he's weird and everybody doesn't want to read he doesn't want to do yoga so he doesn't have to read

00:25:19Guest:And it's funny, like, you talk to your teacher, and, you know, first of all, her name wasn't Mrs. Anything.

00:25:24Guest:It was Sheila.

00:25:25Guest:I was like, hey, Sheila, I don't feel like reading.

00:25:27Guest:How'd you end up at this place?

00:25:28Guest:My mom was kind of a welfare, you know, hippie, kind of depressed, pot-smoking, you know, valley hippie.

00:25:36Guest:Your parents were divorced?

00:25:37Guest:Yeah, my parents got divorced when I was about seven or eight, and my mom was like, they need to go to this free-range hippie school and find themselves and not be mashed into this cookie cutter by the man and his ideas and his propaganda.

00:25:53Guest:Sure.

00:25:53Guest:She meant well.

00:25:54Guest:She meant well.

00:25:55Guest:But the problem was, is the school didn't teach any fundamentals whatsoever.

00:25:59Guest:It was free range.

00:26:00Guest:The teachers were getting high and playing Joan Baez songs on it.

00:26:03Guest:The idea of free range.

00:26:04Guest:Yeah, we just ran around.

00:26:05Marc:Some of you'd be finger painting.

00:26:06Marc:Won't someone be making a pot?

00:26:08Marc:And then you'd just be out in the yard kicking things.

00:26:10Guest:That's all I did.

00:26:11Guest:And at a certain point, I got the free range.

00:26:14Guest:Rain was over and I had to go to public school and I didn't know how to read.

00:26:19Guest:and how old were you i entered in the fifth grade and you really just had not done any of that and the hippies didn't teach you how i had you know people it's this weird thing getting back to race yeah um you know when a white guy can't read he's dyslexic and when a black guy can't read it's like oh fell through the cracks yeah yeah we let you down so your system let him down it's like why can't he be dyslexic

00:26:42Guest:people refuse to realize that i've just i'm dumb like that way i don't i don't i'm not good i never learned well there is dyslexia isn't there there is but you don't you're not born with the ability to read the english word no it is taught to you sure and if it is not taught to you you can there's three or four different ways to spell there and believe you me you ain't gonna guess the right one that's right if someone doesn't point it out to you early and often yeah

00:27:07Guest:I had no idea.

00:27:08Guest:And then it was just a weird, shameful secret.

00:27:12Guest:Like, all right, now I'm in public school.

00:27:14Guest:People think I'm relatively bright.

00:27:15Guest:I'm good at sports.

00:27:17Guest:I don't want to let anyone know that I'm an idiot.

00:27:20Guest:So I just sort of faked my way through.

00:27:21Guest:And because it was the LA Unified School District, it was like, all right, moving on.

00:27:25Marc:How did you fake it when you were asked to read out loud?

00:27:27Marc:That's always the big test.

00:27:28Guest:It was a lot of, for me, probably diffusing things with humor.

00:27:32Guest:Right.

00:27:33Guest:Making a joke about not having my bifocals and then handing the book to the guy next to me or something like that.

00:27:39Marc:I had a moment where I was asked to read in a social studies class, and I was not a big pothead, but that day I had smoked pot at lunch, and there was no fucking way I could read.

00:27:47Marc:Right.

00:27:47Marc:And I literally had to be excused to go to the nurse because I could not read out loud.

00:27:52Marc:wow i just said i i gotta go the nurse and i was just because i was high wow so i just laid down for an hour and then i went back and it was very embarrassing and did she write like his mail was harshed on the on the piece of paper that went back home or she diagnosed you at all at all she would have if i went to that school you went to no i i don't know how i quite countered that i just said i don't feel well i can't read and they let it go

00:28:15Guest:Well, I managed to sort of duck, bob, and weave my way through junior high and high school.

00:28:21Marc:You can charm yourself through school.

00:28:23Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:28:23Marc:Yeah, because if you're a funny guy and you're an athlete and you're popular, I mean, you can charm yourself through school.

00:28:27Marc:You probably did shitty in like chemistry, math.

00:28:30Marc:I didn't take chemistry.

00:28:31Guest:Math?

00:28:31Guest:Well, I took math.

00:28:33Guest:Yeah.

00:28:34Guest:But I never took algebra.

00:28:35Guest:Right.

00:28:35Guest:For instance, when I was in high school, I was taking high school math.

00:28:39Guest:Yeah.

00:28:40Guest:I mean, literally, I'm one of the only people I know who never took an algebra class.

00:28:44Guest:Most people do in the eighth grade or seventh grade.

00:28:46Guest:I have no fucking idea.

00:28:47Guest:I went all the way through.

00:28:48Guest:And when I was in the 12th grade, I was taking high school math.

00:28:51Guest:Yeah.

00:28:51Guest:So I never learned anything.

00:28:54Guest:And then my parents were sort of poor and they didn't give a shit.

00:28:56Guest:And so when I got out of high school, I just sort of floated around, you know, taking odd jobs, digging ditches and cleaning.

00:29:04Guest:They really didn't give a shit like that.

00:29:05Guest:No, no.

00:29:06Guest:Are they still alive now?

00:29:08Guest:Uh-huh.

00:29:08Guest:Do they give a shit?

00:29:09Guest:No, not really.

00:29:11Guest:I mean, not... They don't... They hope that, you know, a piece of the Skylab doesn't crush me when I'm sleeping in my bed.

00:29:19Guest:I mean... That's the only thing on their mind?

00:29:22Guest:I think they're... That's the extent of it.

00:29:25Guest:I mean, they would never do anything...

00:29:28Guest:for me yeah they they would it's that same thing you have with like your neighbor's kid like i hope you're not raped but yeah i'm yeah i and i might not might i won't rape you but i'm not gonna i'm not gonna follow you around but do you talk to them yeah and they they like your kid you have two kids right are they good grandparents do they show up like i'll give you a couple of

00:29:49Guest:just good Corolla stories.

00:29:52Guest:You know, if you listen to my podcast, you've heard these before, but if you listen to Mark's, maybe you haven't.

00:29:59Guest:My parents, I mean, for instance, I wrote a book about three months ago that got to New York Times bestseller list.

00:30:05Guest:No one has read it.

00:30:06Guest:Or if they have, I'm unaware.

00:30:08Guest:In 50 years, we're all gonna be chicks?

00:30:09Guest:Yeah, something like, close enough.

00:30:11Guest:What was it?

00:30:11Guest:50 years, we'll all be chicks.

00:30:13Guest:It's just good enough.

00:30:14Guest:And they're like...

00:30:15Guest:They haven't read it, but I had two shows on basic cable.

00:30:20Guest:I had a show, I had the Man Show and Loveline at MTV and Comedy Central simultaneously for a couple of years every night.

00:30:29Guest:And my mom announced to a crowded dinner table, I got another one of these flyers for cable in the mailbox the other day, $14.99.

00:30:39Guest:I don't know.

00:30:40Guest:And then she announced, can anyone give me one good reason why I should get cable?

00:30:43Guest:One, she ironically said, one.

00:30:45Guest:Her son had two shows on cable at the time, but she looked and she was in all earnestness.

00:30:50Guest:She looked at entire group and my family could not produce an answer.

00:30:54Guest:None of them.

00:30:54Guest:Somebody said, uh, there's cooking shows.

00:30:56Guest:You like to cook.

00:30:57Guest:Yeah.

00:30:58Guest:So no, they had no interest, never have.

00:31:03Guest:And you were sitting there.

00:31:04Guest:I sat next to my mom with my entire family while I had two shows on basic cable.

00:31:13Guest:And no one in my family had cable.

00:31:16Guest:And by the way, their son having two shows on basic cable would not be enough motivation for them to get cable.

00:31:23Guest:Was that a financial thing or is it a hippie thing?

00:31:25Guest:Does she not watch television?

00:31:26Guest:No, she watches TV.

00:31:29Guest:But they're not together, right?

00:31:32Guest:They're tuned out coincidentally, but in their own separate lives, my family.

00:31:38Guest:And what did your old man do?

00:31:42Guest:He played the trumpet for a while, and then he got into special needs school teaching, and then later on, ironically, into psychology.

00:31:52Guest:But he was just hands-off.

00:31:56Guest:I mean, he literally...

00:31:58Guest:my high school was across the street from the house I grew up in.

00:32:03Guest:Yeah.

00:32:03Guest:North Hollywood high.

00:32:05Guest:Yeah.

00:32:06Guest:Uh, I was all Valley football player at North Hollywood high.

00:32:09Guest:Yeah.

00:32:10Guest:Um, I played both ways, offense, defense, football,

00:32:13Guest:special teams i never left the field and at the end it was like i got best defensive player and all valley on offense and a few college scholarships to some like uc davis and places like that maybe marshall was like the biggest school i got recruited to my dad lived across the street

00:32:32Guest:sat in his living room reading a book by by the way subsequently i've been in his living room on friday nights when the game's going on you can hear the you can hear the drums you can see the fields lit up he didn't go to any games he's reading a book on psychology of children yeah i'm how to parent really honestly there should have just been an arrow pointing toward the fucking stadium like a pop-up

00:32:56Guest:But now, does he not like me?

00:32:59Guest:No, he's fine with me.

00:33:00Marc:But was there that period, like, because my dad's selfish too, my mom's selfish.

00:33:03Marc:I mean, do you find yourself having active, like, I fucking fought my dad forever to try to get some sort of attention.

00:33:10Guest:Well, it would have never worked with my family.

00:33:14Guest:They wouldn't give attention.

00:33:15Guest:How many are you?

00:33:16Guest:Me and my sister, my sister ran away when she was like 13 or 14.

00:33:21Guest:For good?

00:33:22Guest:Yeah.

00:33:23Guest:basically yeah she's like shit fuck it and there was no abuse there was just sort of like i we don't well the ultimate abuse is really you don't exist yeah i mean if you sort of i mean you gotta go parent yourself yeah i mean i would rather have a cigar put out on me let's say once a month and not existing like you like literally yeah it didn't exist nice enough people just they were in it for themselves

00:33:47Marc:So you must have that, like there's part of me that I don't see my parents, just because they weren't great at parenting, I kind of see them as people I grew up with.

00:33:55Marc:Yeah, that's what it is.

00:33:56Guest:Yeah.

00:33:56Guest:Except for I was out of the house.

00:33:58Guest:So they were actually just people that you knew from across the way.

00:34:02Guest:Yeah.

00:34:02Guest:Like I didn't, they didn't cook.

00:34:04Guest:I didn't eat at home.

00:34:05Guest:I went to other people's houses.

00:34:06Guest:I ate.

00:34:06Guest:I hung out.

00:34:07Guest:I slept over at other people's houses.

00:34:09Guest:I was just, I was gone.

00:34:10Marc:Were you the friend of, like were your friend's parents like, yeah, that's Adam.

00:34:13Marc:His parents are weird.

00:34:15Guest:I would I never heard them speak about it out loud.

00:34:19Guest:They should have been rolling their eyes when my mom pulled up in her VW square back and hauled her fat ass out of it, you know, to come pick me up.

00:34:25Guest:But yeah, like, you know, I would say, hey, man, I'm going to Chris's house on a Wednesday night to sleepovers.

00:34:31Guest:Mom's making fried chicken.

00:34:32Guest:And my mom's like, yeah, I mean, that was one more thing she didn't have to deal with.

00:34:37Guest:So it was just like my mom was depressed.

00:34:39Guest:My dad was sort of out of it.

00:34:40Guest:And it was like, it was the 70s and then into the 80s.

00:34:44Guest:It was like, just raise yourself and get the fuck out.

00:34:46Guest:That's about it.

00:34:47Marc:Because I find that because of my relationship with my parents that I've driven by an awful lot of anger.

00:34:53Marc:I mean, I'm not fishing, but I just know that there was part of my personality as a comic and as a broadcaster, as somebody that requires, because I think that we have something in common in that what we do is about us.

00:35:06Marc:You know, we're required to we want to be seen.

00:35:09Marc:And I think that there if I can identify with what you're talking about, I felt a little bit erased by my parents needs.

00:35:16Marc:You know, they were very needy people incapable of really separating.

00:35:19Marc:They needed things from you.

00:35:20Marc:Right.

00:35:21Marc:So that means, you know, I had to fight for a fucking sense of self.

00:35:25Guest:Right.

00:35:25Marc:That there's part of this that I do and part of the comedy, which is like it's just me going, I'm here.

00:35:29Marc:You must pay attention to me right now.

00:35:32Marc:Listen to me.

00:35:32Marc:Yeah, were you driven by any of that sort of compulsion or anger?

00:35:36Guest:My parents didn't need anything from their kids other than to leave the fucking house.

00:35:44Guest:Right.

00:35:45Guest:What about spite, though?

00:35:46Guest:You didn't have spite?

00:35:47Guest:Well, I'll tell you what I had.

00:35:48Guest:I mean, I was never...

00:35:50Guest:So there was never a sense of, like, make mommy feel good or make daddy feel whole again or you're not good enough for me or why do you do this to me?

00:35:58Guest:I could give you that.

00:35:58Guest:You want my parents to know?

00:36:00Guest:It would be something.

00:36:01Guest:I always used to say, like, my dad never beat me because it would have been something.

00:36:07Guest:You know what I mean?

00:36:08Guest:He would have to get off the sofa and put his book down.

00:36:10Marc:That would show he had feelings toward me of some kind.

00:36:12Guest:Some kind of feelings.

00:36:14Guest:People ask about religion, and I'm like, that would have taken effort.

00:36:17Guest:We would have had to go somewhere on a Sunday and worship or whatever.

00:36:21Guest:There was nothing.

00:36:23Marc:You didn't identify yourself with it.

00:36:24Marc:Like, I was identified as a Jew, but I never was taught what it meant.

00:36:28Marc:Like, you know, I never felt like I needed God.

00:36:30Marc:My parents were like, look, if it involves effort, we're not doing it.

00:36:34Marc:So you kind of got lucky.

00:36:35Marc:It's like Tabula Rosa.

00:36:36Marc:You got, you know, you sort of got a blank slate.

00:36:38Marc:You had to put yourself together on your own.

00:36:39Guest:Everything I am is a sort of composite of all that I've experienced, but none that has been foisted on me.

00:36:46Guest:So obviously we all know that if you grew up in a certain part of Pennsylvania, you'd be Amish.

00:36:53Guest:And if you grew up in a certain part of Africa, you would be a Muslim.

00:36:58Guest:you know, and you'd be praying, you know, you'd walk down Fairfax Boulevard and you see the Hasidim.

00:37:04Guest:They're eight years old sometimes with full beards and you're like, holy shit, you know, and you're like, that's all you would be.

00:37:09Guest:The one good thing I can say about me is I was an Etch-A-Sketch.

00:37:12Guest:I got put in a paint can shaker.

00:37:14Guest:Like, there was nothing.

00:37:16Guest:And I get to do, you know, I like cars, but that's not because my dad liked cars.

00:37:21Marc:But there must have been some dude.

00:37:22Marc:I mean, did you find there are pivotal people in your life?

00:37:25Marc:Because I know from having an old man that wasn't exactly present that there was sort of an ongoing search for male role models.

00:37:32Guest:i i had my football coaches like my pop warner football coaches i looked up to sort of gave me discipline and drive and all that kind of stuff and then there were my friends like i just had my friends or my buddies yeah i always had a lot of friends and i ate at their house and slept at their house and masturbated at their house on occasion thinking about their mom not in that order maybe making the chicken was more it was more like oh my god you guys are serving pork chops like holy shit

00:38:02Guest:Right, right.

00:38:02Guest:And so that's what I did.

00:38:04Guest:I just sort of floated around.

00:38:07Marc:But do you think that this sort of the idea that you were built by your own will, which is sort of what you were from what you're telling me about.

00:38:15Marc:Now, because the other thing I want to address, because I don't know that we're even necessarily with some political ideas that different.

00:38:23Marc:Because there was always this concern with some of my fans that like if I got on your show that we'd argue politically.

00:38:29Marc:But I mean, where do you stand with...

00:38:31Marc:Do you believe, like, you refer to your mother as a welfare mother.

00:38:34Marc:I mean, what is, and it seems sort of loaded.

00:38:37Marc:What does it mean to you?

00:38:38Guest:Well, my grandmother was, you know, a pioneer welfare recipient, you know, sort of tip of the spear.

00:38:47Guest:And then my mother was.

00:38:49Guest:But were they abusers?

00:38:51Guest:No.

00:38:51Guest:They were... Here's what I saw from my mother.

00:38:57Guest:And I still see it.

00:39:01Guest:And I see it in myself, and I see it in others, and I see it especially in lottery winners, which is...

00:39:08Guest:As human beings, we're sort of capable of amazing feats and or just rolling around in our own filth, eating Funyuns and watching cable.

00:39:17Guest:Like I can do nothing or I can do anything.

00:39:19Guest:There are days that I've had in my life that would fucking make you just stand up and get a boner and salute me.

00:39:25Guest:And then there are days where I beat off nine times and watch Telemundo over and over again.

00:39:30Guest:Like there's just nothing there.

00:39:31Guest:So even within the same person, you're capable of sort of everything and nothing.

00:39:36Guest:That's right.

00:39:36Guest:And I grew up where my mother,

00:39:42Guest:lived in my grandmother's second house which was just a 800 square foot one bathroom one bedroom sort of rental flop house that she bought for like 10 grand in you know 1952 and she had a daughter that turns out was my mom was pretty depressed and at some point just let her crash there eventually and my mom crashed at this place um

00:40:07Guest:she had no overhead because there was no mortgage to pay or no rent to go, go try to make, but you think she had meant psychological problems.

00:40:16Guest:I would, I would call her depressed, but I wouldn't say, you know, that she's schizophrenic or anything like that.

00:40:22Guest:Just my nice mild depression, good old fashioned seventies, sort of Billy Jack Indian kind of depression.

00:40:30Guest:And yeah,

00:40:31Guest:She, between the free house and the welfare and the food stamps, she was essentially hobbled.

00:40:38Guest:She didn't have to get up, put herself together, look for a job, go to work, do anything.

00:40:43Guest:She was given just a stipend, just enough.

00:40:46Guest:Just enough to survive, but never to thrive.

00:40:50Guest:Just enough.

00:40:51Guest:It sort of reinforced, I feel like, her depression.

00:40:54Guest:Because all she did was...

00:40:56Guest:put on weight.

00:40:57Guest:And every time she looked in the mirror, she saw a, a, a, a less of a person looking back at her.

00:41:04Guest:And then at a certain point, eight, 10 years in, it just became a way of life.

00:41:08Marc:But, but doesn't that disregard the, the, the reality of, of psychological, uh, illness that there may have been a different time where they weren't able to, uh, to approach her with any sort of medication and she can get the proper attention.

00:41:20Marc:I mean, do you think that's coddling as well?

00:41:22Guest:I mean, no, no.

00:41:23Guest:I look, obviously it's like, look,

00:41:26Guest:for the people who are on let's say disability uh a percentage of them need to be on disability they have legitimate workplace accidents or reasons for one one reason or another why they're unable to work and support themselves right then there's the other 93 percent who're just fucking depressed and strung out on pain meds and dig themselves into a deeper hole and by the way once you have back pains who

00:41:51Guest:who the fuck knows whether it's in your head or in your back or, or in both of them, you know what I mean?

00:41:56Guest:You need oxycodone.

00:41:57Marc:Right.

00:41:57Marc:Well, this is one of those areas where I, like I, I, there's part of me that agrees with you, but then there's also, you know, an intellectual part of me that, that, that, you know, gets sort of worked up because I, you know, I come, my dad's a manic depressive and he like, I could have, I don't believe, I believe that I can work through that.

00:42:13Marc:That if I just focus and I get my shit in line and I do my work, that that's going to help me not fall into, even if I'm not clinically or biologically depressed, that taking positive action will change the way I approach the world.

00:42:30Guest:I mean, I think we all know that there's such a thing as being, as mental retardation.

00:42:37Guest:And then there are students in the inner city that are underachieving.

00:42:42Guest:And when some guy like Jaime Escalante or whatever his name is from Lean On Me shows up and starts whipping these kids into shape and explaining to them, you will do your homework and you're not bad at math and I need you here at 6 a.m.

00:42:57Guest:to study and then we're staying afterwards.

00:42:59Guest:Yeah.

00:42:59Guest:Somehow the worst student turns into a great student and is bound for college.

00:43:05Guest:Or if God forbid you watch like the biggest loser, you see these guys that come rolling in at 600 pounds and all of a sudden someone's in their face every morning at 6 a.m.

00:43:14Guest:telling you're getting up and you're getting on that treadmill and give me those goddamn Cheetos.

00:43:17Guest:Sure, sure.

00:43:17Guest:And all of a sudden you have a person that was clinically depressed, whose heart was about to close off, couldn't sit up in bed.

00:43:23Guest:And all of a sudden these guys are running on the treadmill and the theme from Rocky's playing behind.

00:43:27Guest:It's the same human being.

00:43:29Guest:I'm just saying you dropping off a bag of Cheetos

00:43:33Guest:And telling them, don't worry about the treadmill is probably just going to have a guy put on 20 pounds a year for the rest of his life.

00:43:40Guest:And I'm not saying that there aren't certain people that don't have a legitimate physical problem or a legitimate medical problem.

00:43:47Guest:But I'm telling you that for the majority.

00:43:50Guest:of these people who are on the sofa and claim they have a bad back and a thyroid problem, what they need is a drill sergeant to come in there and tell them to get the fuck off the food time, it's time to go to work.

00:44:01Marc:And what about, what are your thoughts on it being a cultural problem?

00:44:06Marc:that poverty breeds poverty, that there are certain generational problems with living under that poverty line, and that there are certain things that are just passed on, and that the hopelessness is almost, it comes with the territory.

00:44:21Guest:It is hopeless, and as someone who is a product of that environment,

00:44:27Guest:you don't even know what success is.

00:44:30Guest:You don't know that you're allowed to succeed.

00:44:33Guest:Like you don't know that's for other people and other families.

00:44:37Guest:It doesn't feel like it's for you.

00:44:38Guest:It's this sort of thing where I'd go to other people's houses and I'd walk over to their fireplace and see a mantle, see a picture on the mantelpiece of them all in snow gear on, on top of, you know, mounts Mount bear mountain over there.

00:44:54Guest:If they're all arms around each other, like holding skis while some stranger took a picture.

00:44:57Guest:Might as well be another planet.

00:44:59Guest:And they'd go like, well, we went skiing.

00:45:01Guest:We went to Vail, Colorado last winter.

00:45:03Guest:I'd be like, everyone together?

00:45:05Guest:And they'd be like, yeah.

00:45:07Guest:Where do you get the skis?

00:45:08Guest:Like, you buy them.

00:45:09Guest:What?

00:45:10Guest:And then what?

00:45:11Guest:Yeah.

00:45:12Guest:and we own them like where'd you get that jacket with the goose down in it it's like you buy that too who buys these things like where are you going your car how'd your car make it up the hills like we flew you went on a plane like you don't know this world right exist

00:45:29Guest:And when you live in that world and look, it's not about your skin color.

00:45:35Guest:It's just about the you look out your window or better or worse yet, look into your window from outside your house and you just see a bunch of super depressed people going, you know what?

00:45:46Guest:Even if you did have it, the man would take it away from you.

00:45:49Guest:So don't even bother trying it.

00:45:51Guest:And there's a there's a psychological component that comes along with it, which is, you know, rich people are evil.

00:45:57Guest:And anyone who ever got rich is just there because he's polluting a river or somebody died and gave him a bunch of money like they don't.

00:46:04Marc:How do you think that shifts without without, you know, breeding contempt of people that will dump their own resentment on, you

00:46:09Marc:what they call the welfare state or whether it becomes racial or not.

00:46:14Marc:I mean, you know, as a guy who thinks about this stuff, I mean, whose responsibility is it really?

00:46:19Guest:Well, ultimately and sadly, it's no different than the show I hate because I can't stand seeing the commercials at dinnertime when I'm eating when the guy has the huge areolas and he pulls his shirt off and there's 500 pounds of man boobs standing there.

00:46:32Guest:But ultimately, the biggest loser...

00:46:36Guest:That that model will work for society, which is some obnoxious asshole who weighs 164 pounds yelling at you to get off your ass.

00:46:45Guest:You're not fucked up.

00:46:46Guest:Your back's good enough.

00:46:47Guest:Get put down that fried chicken.

00:46:49Guest:Get on the treadmill.

00:46:50Guest:I don't care if you're not good enough.

00:46:52Guest:You can just walk on it.

00:46:53Guest:Let's get it going.

00:46:54Marc:So does someone like you believe then in the idea like, you know, Obama's idea of a public works movement to get, you know, to like an FDR type of thing to get people working, you know, at the behest of the government to rebuild the infrastructure of the cities and that kind of stuff would be something that could work in that way.

00:47:10Guest:Yeah, the thing is, here's what I know.

00:47:13Guest:I know that the sedentary life creates depression almost immediately.

00:47:18Guest:Yeah, I know that.

00:47:19Guest:It's insane.

00:47:21Marc:It's happened to me, though.

00:47:22Marc:I mean, I felt it in my life.

00:47:24Marc:I mean, you've been trying to be in show business for a long time, and you've had periods there where you weren't succeeding, and

00:47:28Marc:And anybody who knows or can relate to, you know, masturbating four times a day and eating, you know, snack food until you pass out, you know, for weeks on end.

00:47:38Marc:I mean, you've been there.

00:47:39Marc:Sure.

00:47:40Guest:I've masturbated with the snack food.

00:47:42Guest:Funyuns are not, I put the fun in Funyuns.

00:47:45Guest:Sure, right?

00:47:46Guest:You got to mix things up, you know?

00:47:47Guest:No, but here's what I'm saying.

00:47:49Guest:You could achieve all that you can achieve and go out on the road.

00:47:54Guest:You go to Caroline's.

00:47:55Guest:You do six shows there.

00:47:57Guest:I just got back from Minnesota today.

00:47:59Guest:Kick the shit out of the audience.

00:48:00Guest:They love every second.

00:48:01Guest:Right.

00:48:01Guest:You come back.

00:48:03Guest:You turn your ankle.

00:48:04Guest:You're in bed for two, three days.

00:48:07Guest:Yeah.

00:48:07Guest:You end up drinking beer and watching too much.

00:48:10Guest:Let's make a deal.

00:48:11Guest:And you're immediately depressed again.

00:48:12Guest:Like you can wear off like that.

00:48:14Guest:I mean, people are essentially like sharks that need to keep moving and keep swimming forward.

00:48:20Guest:And you take somebody and you take someone like my mom and you go, you know what?

00:48:24Guest:Take a year off.

00:48:24Guest:Here's a welfare check.

00:48:26Guest:And they never get back out there.

00:48:27Marc:But I think also the guys you see on those shows that, like, unless somebody stays on top of them, you're going to slip.

00:48:32Marc:It takes a certain amount of diligence.

00:48:34Marc:It's like with AA.

00:48:35Marc:I mean, you spend enough time with Dr. Drew.

00:48:37Marc:Sure.

00:48:37Marc:You know, if you don't stick by it, eventually your wiring is going to win.

00:48:41Marc:And there's nothing you can do about that.

00:48:43Marc:But I guess the other thing I wanted to talk about, like, in terms of your fans and my fans, like, I have people, like, I get this.

00:48:49Marc:I go out on the road now, and it's very interesting.

00:48:52Marc:It happened again in Minnesota.

00:48:54Marc:The club owner said, look, you sold a lot of tickets, but I've really never sold this many singles.

00:48:57Marc:tickets oh really yeah like i get dudes that come alone because they you know a lot of my fans are you know they they function in the world they're artistic or they're they're doing things but they're depressives i mean you know i in my because my dad was mad depressive i'm wired to really specifically entertain in some way depressive people interesting i've had guys come up to me and say look i'm bipolar and i listen to your three seasons when i'm depressed and it helps me

00:49:23Marc:Right.

00:49:24Marc:But I just think that there's a difference.

00:49:26Marc:Like, I know that they're paralyzed in a certain way because of their mental, emotional state.

00:49:30Marc:But it seems to me that on the other side of that, you get guys that are similar, but they manifested in anger and they manifested in like, you know, fuck the world.

00:49:38Guest:Right.

00:49:38Marc:There's a difference between fuck the world and fuck me.

00:49:41Marc:I mean, you know, depression is anger turned inward.

00:49:43Marc:Right.

00:49:44Marc:So I think that we're sort of talking about a similar type of dude.

00:49:48Guest:It's just it's going the other way.

00:49:50Guest:Well, I mean, first off, you have to you have to think about the delivery system.

00:49:55Guest:The folks that listen to podcasts in general probably are a little more isolated and a little more in their own space, in their own head.

00:50:04Guest:I mean, just forget about whose podcast.

00:50:06Guest:Just

00:50:06Guest:Sure.

00:50:07Marc:I'm talking about guys in general, you know, because I like I look at you as a dude who's a guy's guy, you know, and I you know, there's part of me that, you know, I have that in me.

00:50:16Marc:But I've gone this, you know, I've got cats and I was I was hoping you didn't come over before I finished my bowl of puffins with soy milk.

00:50:22Marc:So, I mean, I have those insecurities.

00:50:24Marc:I love cats, by the way.

00:50:26Marc:Oh, good.

00:50:26Guest:I don't you know, the thing is, is I think we're constantly trying to put everyone and everything into a compartment in our mind because that's what we do.

00:50:38Guest:I mean, that's what human beings do.

00:50:39Guest:There's you just you have to find a compartment for everything.

00:50:43Marc:But in the core, like you just wrote this book about what's going to become a man.

00:50:48Marc:It's a humorous book.

00:50:49Guest:Yeah, but the reality of that book is that was a title that they say, look, you've got to come up with a title.

00:50:56Guest:And you're like, okay, funny shit Adam thinks about when he's driving.

00:51:00Guest:That's not a title.

00:51:02Guest:We need a title that we can hang our hat on.

00:51:05Guest:The reality is the book's just a bunch of my musings, some jokes and some...

00:51:10Guest:stories from the past but the point is this i just want to be clear on this yeah i'm nobody i'm not this guy or that guy yeah i'm a composite of a million guys i love cars yeah i also love cats i also love building yeah i also love sitting around with my wife and watching the real housewives of atlanta

00:51:32Guest:I fucking cry my brains out if I see a special Olympics ad on at night, especially if I have a couple of glasses of white wine in me.

00:51:41Guest:I will fight you if you cut me off in traffic.

00:51:44Guest:If you want, you know, I'm not that dude or this dude or I'm just, I'm me.

00:51:48Guest:And what we try to do is we go, oh, that's him.

00:51:51Guest:Oh, that's his audience.

00:51:52Guest:Oh, that's what he said.

00:51:53Guest:Right.

00:51:53Guest:If you go to my show, it's 50% chicks every time.

00:51:57Guest:It's old guys.

00:51:59Guest:It's young guys.

00:51:59Guest:There's old couples.

00:52:01Guest:There's single angry dudes.

00:52:02Guest:It's mixed.

00:52:03Guest:I am surprised, quite honestly, at the crazy diversity of the white people in the crowd.

00:52:11Guest:But old, young, there's black guys and a lot of Asian dudes.

00:52:16Guest:Just guys where you go, I'm thinking to myself as they're coming up after a show and wanting to autograph it.

00:52:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:52:20Guest:What the fuck are you doing here, 50-something-year-old woman?

00:52:22Guest:I feel that, too.

00:52:23Guest:They're just there.

00:52:24Guest:So this idea where you have to put everyone into their compartment is probably something that we do as human beings, and it's probably unnecessary.

00:52:34Marc:Yeah, I agree with you.

00:52:35Marc:And I find the same type of thing when people listen to me.

00:52:38Marc:And I guess I am drawing these lines only because I'm responding to certain people that drew lines initially when I started podcasting.

00:52:44Marc:But I think what I'm asking you for myself and just as a guy who is not that much different to me in some ways is that it seems to me that depression and the type of anger that you see, like there are some dudes who are just angry, dumb dudes.

00:53:01Marc:Sure.

00:53:01Marc:And that, you know, I have to assume that a lot of that comes from the same place as a dude that's going to beat the shit out of himself, that there's fear, there's depression, there's who the fuck knows what.

00:53:10Marc:It's an inability to sort of own up to your own, you know, sadness or fear or emotional place in the world.

00:53:17Guest:Yeah, there's that, and there's just breeds like there's breeds of dogs, you know?

00:53:22Guest:Do you think that's true?

00:53:23Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:53:24Guest:I definitely think that, you know- I mean, types of genetic types of people.

00:53:29Guest:Oh, absolutely.

00:53:30Guest:Not necessarily race, but just genetic types of people.

00:53:33Marc:I've noticed that myself.

00:53:34Guest:Well, I don't, you know, look, there's a hundred species of sharks, and bull sharks are fucking aggressive.

00:53:41Guest:Like, if you're in the water with a bull shark, you're fucked, and if you're in the water with a nurse shark,

00:53:45Guest:You're not fucked.

00:53:46Guest:It's not this bull shark.

00:53:48Guest:It's a happy bull shark, and that nurse shark's a cunt.

00:53:51Marc:Yeah, it's a well-adjusted bull shark.

00:53:53Guest:Yeah, don't worry about him.

00:53:55Guest:That one looks angry.

00:53:56Guest:Yeah.

00:53:56Marc:He wasn't properly parented.

00:53:58Guest:I'm just saying, in the animal kingdom, there are honeybees, and then there's Africanized killer bees, and sometimes hard to tell, but the difference... And then there's the ones that got bred sort of in between, and there's bees, and there's hornets, and there's...

00:54:13Guest:They're bears that do nothing but sift through garbage, and then they're ones that fucking dismantle men.

00:54:19Guest:I mean, it's all, we see in breeds of dogs, you know?

00:54:22Guest:You have a Labrador, they're normally pretty docile, whatever, and then there are dogs like Chows that are a little more aggressive.

00:54:29Guest:And so people, cultures, and people, they have their own wiring.

00:54:34Guest:I mean, they just literally do.

00:54:36Guest:To do that thing where it's like every culture's gonna be the same,

00:54:39Guest:No, they're not going to be the same.

00:54:40Guest:Just like every breed of shark is not going to be the same.

00:54:42Guest:They'll all be sharks.

00:54:44Guest:I think that's true.

00:54:44Guest:It'll be a little bit different.

00:54:45Marc:I think that's true.

00:54:46Marc:And also the difference between the sharks and the dogs and the bees is that they never say, like, is this wrong?

00:54:52Guest:Right.

00:54:53Guest:And the thing is, is...

00:54:55Guest:We do accept it in every other form of species on the planet.

00:55:01Guest:You do the thing where you go, that snake is docile and non-venomous.

00:55:05Guest:This snake is very aggressive and very dead.

00:55:08Guest:It'll take down a horse.

00:55:10Guest:So stay away from this.

00:55:12Guest:Don't worry about that.

00:55:13Marc:But again, humans have the template of civilization and law to make those decisions for them.

00:55:19Marc:We do expect a certain amount of non-killing behavior from our people across the street.

00:55:25Guest:I would say, right, and it'd be nice.

00:55:27Guest:But ultimately...

00:55:28Guest:Ultimately, I mean, again, I don't have a religion.

00:55:32Guest:I know that there's a certain I just believe in sort of nature and there's certain amount of our species needs to be gay and not reproduce.

00:55:42Guest:And a certain amount of them needs to kill others in our species.

00:55:46Guest:Sometimes the gay people get killed by those people.

00:55:48Guest:Sometimes the gay people behind a pickup truck.

00:55:49Guest:But either way, we're going to limit our population, although I would argue killing the gay people is a push because they're not repopulating the place.

00:55:57Guest:But I do have this.

00:55:59Marc:So you actually think that there is some sort of like, see, I've always felt that the lack of available and reasonable health care in our country was the way to sort of keep the poor at the at the number that the the people with money would keep them at.

00:56:13Guest:Well, there was a thing, and there is a thing, and it's interesting, which is, you know, when they say, you know, whenever there's a movie that involves a time machine, they always tell you, when you go back in time, do not screw around with anything.

00:56:29Guest:You know what I mean?

00:56:30Guest:You might throw off the course of civilization, right?

00:56:33Guest:Yeah.

00:56:33Guest:But then if you take a look at us dropping off sacks of grain everywhere to cultures that would have imploded on themselves by now, in a weird way, aren't we fucking with that?

00:56:46Guest:Aren't we taking a culture that's hell-bent on imploding and enabling them to reproduce and perpetuate this?

00:56:55Marc:I guess, okay, well, that's an interesting way to look at it.

00:56:58Marc:I don't know.

00:56:59Marc:I think that you're hoping that they, not unlike...

00:57:01Marc:somebody helping your mom out or helping other people out that they'll rejigger themselves into a functioning system.

00:57:09Guest:And just like my mom, the rejigger part comes, and I should stop saying jigger so many times when I'm talking about this culture so I will slip up eventually.

00:57:19Guest:But the point is, here's what should come with the welfare check in my mom or the sack of grain and the rejiggering process, which is, look,

00:57:30Guest:Mom, here's your welfare check.

00:57:33Guest:I'm also gonna need you to come down and put in a certain amount of hours over at the welfare office painting the side of the fucking thing so you can feel like you've earned this.

00:57:44Guest:It's not a gift.

00:57:45Guest:You gotta earn it.

00:57:46Guest:And by the way, don't do it for us, do it for you.

00:57:49Guest:And as far as the sack of grain that's being dropped off, we're also dropping off some Norplant because you guys are breeding faster than we can keep the grain coming.

00:57:59Guest:I think they do that, though.

00:58:00Guest:I think that that happens.

00:58:02Guest:It should it should it should it should be more prevalent because whenever you hear the discussions of, you know, the Bill Gates and his wife are heading down, it's never heading down with a C-130 full of condoms.

00:58:13Guest:Right.

00:58:13Guest:It's always we're bringing the books and we're bringing the grain, which I'm all about.

00:58:17Guest:But let's start limiting the population growth here.

00:58:20Marc:Well, you know, does that is the guy who owns Adam and Eve.

00:58:23Marc:Oh, really?

00:58:24Marc:Yeah, I think I did some research on him.

00:58:26Marc:He's an interesting dude, man.

00:58:27Marc:A lot of the money that he gets from Adam and Eve, if I'm not mistaken, goes into providing condoms and birth control education in Africa.

00:58:37Marc:He's an interesting philanthropist, that guy.

00:58:40Guest:It is, sadly, that's more the exception than the norm because you don't see specials on 60 Minutes from the Adam and Eve guy.

00:58:48Marc:Well, sometimes you do, but they usually make it a little, you know, like he's a good guy most of the time, but he also does this.

00:58:56Marc:You know, when you talk about depression and you talk about people who, you know, like should be able to get up and work and stuff, I mean, it's getting harder, period.

00:59:04Guest:I mean, isn't it?

00:59:06Guest:Well, I mean, you know, I'll put it to you this way.

00:59:08Guest:When I was... It's sad because, you know, you see the news and they go, highest unemployment since 1983, worst economy since 1983.

00:59:18Guest:And then I go, hmm, 1983, that's when a 19-year-old Adam Carolla with...

00:59:26Guest:barely a high school diploma and parents that didn't give a shit was wandering around North Hollywood, going to construction sites, asking if they needed trash to be picked up for, you know, six bucks an hour.

00:59:35Guest:Like that's when I was trying to get a job and it was, it was fucking horrible.

00:59:40Guest:Like I was going into supermarkets going, you, you, can I box some groceries?

00:59:44Guest:No, we're not hiring.

00:59:45Guest:Like they wouldn't hire anybody.

00:59:47Guest:Right.

00:59:47Guest:But eventually I got the world's shittiest job.

00:59:50Guest:I got a job cleaning carpets in the middle of the night in restaurants with illegals getting paid six dollars an hour and having the tax.

00:59:58Guest:I got taken advantage of essentially because that's what the economy dictated.

01:00:03Guest:Right.

01:00:03Guest:And then I got a job digging ditches probably about four miles from here in Silver Lake for seven bucks an hour.

01:00:09Guest:And that's that's the only thing.

01:00:11Guest:And you were on the books.

01:00:12Guest:I was, but that's the only thing that was out there.

01:00:18Guest:I mean, it was horrible.

01:00:19Guest:The conditions were horrible and they were dangerous and I was taken advantage of, but I had no choice.

01:00:25Guest:I didn't have parents that would take care of me.

01:00:27Guest:I didn't have my welfare check or anything.

01:00:29Guest:And I would just go from place to place.

01:00:32Guest:And eventually I stuck with it and I stuck it out.

01:00:34Guest:I remember my boss said, I'll pay another buck an hour if you buy a pickup truck.

01:00:38Guest:And I bought a piece of shit pickup truck.

01:00:40Guest:And then next thing you know, I got a couple of tools.

01:00:42Guest:And then next thing you know, I'm a carpenter and I'm able to sort of get along.

01:00:47Guest:But I was forced into it and I wouldn't have done it.

01:00:50Guest:I mean, if my stepmom wasn't trying to kick me out of the garage.

01:00:53Guest:Oh, you had a stepmom too?

01:00:54Guest:That was true.

01:00:55Guest:Yeah, bad news.

01:00:56Guest:But I'm just saying this, that I do believe people are capable of a lot or nothing.

01:01:05Guest:And I think if you create an environment where you ask them to do that, that they will rise to the occasion.

01:01:13Guest:Or if you create an environment where you ask nothing of them, they will sink to that as well.

01:01:18Marc:So, all right.

01:01:20Marc:But the, the, the other thing about, you know, the, the atheist thing and the God thing is just, I mean, it seems to me that people do have a fundamental need to believe in something, to be part of something.

01:01:29Guest:They're scared.

01:01:30Marc:Yeah.

01:01:31Marc:Yeah.

01:01:31Marc:And they're scared.

01:01:31Marc:And also I think on some level it defines them somehow that like I read this book called the denial of death, which was, was a great book.

01:01:39Marc:It's a very smart book that people want to be part of some feel part of something bigger.

01:01:43Marc:So they feel like they are not just meaningless.

01:01:46Guest:Right.

01:01:47Marc:Right.

01:01:47Guest:Well, it's, and that could be football.

01:01:48Guest:Yeah, it's scary being a human being, you know, because we're aware of our mortality.

01:01:54Guest:Sure, yeah, I get that.

01:01:55Marc:It's a bummer, you know?

01:01:56Marc:So, yeah, but I mean, I don't have any problem with that.

01:01:58Marc:I got an email from a guy yesterday about a show I did in Minnesota that couldn't believe I would.

01:02:02Marc:I think he put it, bring the living God Jesus Christ into my filth act.

01:02:07Marc:He called it a filth act.

01:02:10Guest:Wow.

01:02:11Guest:Just couldn't believe it.

01:02:12Guest:Yeah, I obviously it's a fairy tale and he doesn't exist.

01:02:16Guest:And I do believe that the people that claim to believe don't believe.

01:02:20Guest:Otherwise, they wouldn't get quite as violent about it when you tell them you don't believe.

01:02:24Guest:And that goes for other cultures as well.

01:02:26Guest:And it's also a political system.

01:02:29Guest:So wait, tell me about this mean stepmom.

01:02:30Guest:How we miss that?

01:02:31Guest:She wasn't mean.

01:02:32Guest:She was just sort of indifferent, really, and she wanted... She took a page out of my dad's playbook, and she wanted... This was your dad's wife?

01:02:40Guest:Which was no playbook, by the way.

01:02:42Guest:My dad's wife, and then I was like 19, she sort of wanted the floppy, rudderless teenager to get the fuck out of the garage where I was living.

01:02:51Guest:Yeah.

01:02:51Guest:And I didn't know it, but like I said, 1983 was the worst economy since now, so it was like I couldn't find a gig.

01:02:58Marc:But do you think that... Are you saying that, in essence, though, that...

01:03:01Marc:Do you think that there are plenty of jobs for people to have?

01:03:05Marc:I mean, I mean, do you have sympathy for these people that do not are unable to find jobs, even if they're trying?

01:03:11Guest:I know people that will have difficulty finding work.

01:03:16Guest:And I know people that will never be out of work.

01:03:18Guest:And that's not really about the system or society.

01:03:22Guest:I used to, I worked with carpenters my whole life.

01:03:25Guest:There were carpenters that were hardworking motherfucking guys who just did everything right and they showed up early and they were the last guy off the job site and they were good at what they did and they took pride in what they did.

01:03:36Guest:And those guys are never out of work.

01:03:38Guest:There's no matter what the economy is, they're never, a good carpenter is always, always busy.

01:03:44Guest:And then once in a while, I'd pick up some dude hitchhiking or something.

01:03:47Guest:He'd see my truck and he'd be like, hey man, you do, hey, I, and I'd go, well, what are you doing?

01:03:52Guest:They'd be stucco, drywall, plumbing, tin knocking, sheet rocking, rough electrical, rough plumbing, finish work, man, I do it all.

01:04:01Guest:Roofing, foundation, earthquake rehab, and I'm good too.

01:04:04Guest:And I'd be thinking, no, you're not.

01:04:06Guest:You're not good.

01:04:06Guest:You can't do all those things.

01:04:08Guest:A, can you not be good at all those things?

01:04:10Guest:And B, you wouldn't be hitchhiking and asking me for a gig if you're good.

01:04:13Guest:Hey, we know funny guys that are working and funny guys that aren't working.

01:04:19Guest:And you show me, I'm not guaranteeing you're going to be fucking Ryan Seacrest.

01:04:23Guest:I'm just saying, you may not pack, you know, you may not be Dane Cook and Philip Madison Square Garden, but we know when a guy's funny and he busts his ass and he's out on the road every weekend and he's getting up every night, that guy's going to pay his bills.

01:04:38Marc:Yeah, but for a while, you know, life beats you up in weird ways.

01:04:40Marc:You never know how it's going to come at you.

01:04:42Guest:I basically feel like everybody, and it's tough, but the only reason I speak freely about this is I was in that position.

01:04:51Guest:I had no choice, and I just went from place to place, and I said, I will pick up garbage.

01:04:56Marc:Sure, but you're a talented guy, and you've got a certain amount of focus, and you're you, but some people need help.

01:05:01Guest:I understand that.

01:05:02Guest:No, I can dig it.

01:05:04Guest:I think the only difference we have politically is...

01:05:08Guest:I think the way to help those people is to go, hey, motherfucker, there's nothing wrong with you.

01:05:13Guest:Dispatch a team of coaches.

01:05:15Guest:Go do it.

01:05:16Guest:Yeah, to go to neighborhoods.

01:05:18Guest:I am saying.

01:05:19Guest:That could go to the educational system.

01:05:21Guest:Yeah, it can go with everything.

01:05:23Guest:There's structures in place where that's supposed to be happening.

01:05:25Guest:I agree.

01:05:26Guest:And these students that are underachieving, the same student can overachieve.

01:05:32Guest:It's just who's going to fire under their ass.

01:05:34Marc:Let's talk about chicks before we run out of time.

01:05:35Marc:Let's talk about women.

01:05:36Marc:Because we had a minor discussion, a brief discussion about that on your show.

01:05:42Marc:I've obviously been married twice.

01:05:43Marc:I have no children.

01:05:45Marc:I think that I have a great appreciation for women, but clearly in my behavior, I don't know that I've been the best husband or the best man.

01:05:53Marc:And certainly I don't think of myself as somebody who puts all women into one basket and judges them in a certain way.

01:05:59Marc:But I got to be honest with you, as I get older, I find that I do attract a certain type of woman.

01:06:04Marc:that might be a little nuts yeah now when it comes to accusations of sexism uh on behalf of of uh people who criticize you without knowing you how do you respond to that fuck you cunts i don't know how to respond no i you know look

01:06:21Guest:here's here's the uh here's the thing i i realize that men and women are different and you know we live in this fucked up society where we're constantly celebrating our diversity like oh the different cultures and the diverse cultures and all that but the second you point out

01:06:43Guest:that this guy's a little faster than that guy and that guy jumps a little higher than that guy or that guy's a little better at math, then all of a sudden your celebration of diversity party goes right into the fucking garbage.

01:06:53Guest:It becomes some sort of politically incorrect.

01:06:55Guest:Yeah, and if you make some joke like how is it... I think that's a good point.

01:06:58Guest:...the world's fastest people or the world's slowest pedestrians, everyone thinks you're an asswipe.

01:07:04Guest:But then everyone thinks about it and goes, well, it's kind of true.

01:07:07Guest:So I'm just commenting on it.

01:07:09Guest:Women are...

01:07:10Guest:they're much more different than men.

01:07:13Guest:You know, black men and black and white men and Asian men have a hell of a lot more in common than men and women do.

01:07:21Guest:I mean, they're a different species in the way.

01:07:23Guest:And they think differently than we are and they react to different stimulus and so on and so forth.

01:07:29Guest:And I think the sooner...

01:07:31Guest:you put your brain into them and stop trying to think about how you would react.

01:07:38Guest:And I'll give you a real good example.

01:07:41Guest:Sexually, for instance.

01:07:45Guest:Guys...

01:07:46Guest:And at least we probably got some of this out of our system.

01:07:49Guest:But there's a certain point, let's say you're a guy, you're 25 years old.

01:07:53Guest:And when it comes to sex, you're essentially like a dog.

01:07:58Guest:And when I don't mean a dog like you're my dog with a W, I mean like a pet.

01:08:03Guest:Like I come home, my dog will be sitting there.

01:08:05Guest:I'll roll my dog over on its back.

01:08:07Guest:I'll start slapping its belly.

01:08:09Guest:Come on.

01:08:10Guest:I'll grab that scruff around its neck and start paddling it.

01:08:13Guest:Come on.

01:08:13Guest:Who's the girl?

01:08:14Guest:push her down knock her around a little yeah just do that scratch on her back that's almost almost drawing blood and her foot's moving around she loves it she loves it right now that's the way a guy wants to be handled like grab that cock you know yank it off go at it go six spit on it you know yeah then you think about a cat yeah if you come running at a cat like i'm gonna knock you down or rub that belly yeah that cat's like i'm getting on top of the refrigerator keep insisting on doing that with my cat right

01:08:39Guest:And that's why cats, by the way, when a toddler comes over to the house, they go, I'm going up to the fridge.

01:08:44Guest:Not dealing with this shit.

01:08:45Guest:Fucking three-year-old Robert pulling one of my ears off.

01:08:47Guest:Right.

01:08:48Guest:Right.

01:08:48Guest:So you now, as a dog, think, I'm going to take that cat.

01:08:54Guest:Yeah.

01:08:54Guest:And I'm going to handle it just the way I like to be handled.

01:08:57Guest:Right.

01:08:57Guest:And you're freaking the cat out.

01:08:58Guest:The cat's chafing.

01:09:00Guest:And you think about a cat.

01:09:02Guest:Mm-hmm.

01:09:02Guest:you sit there what do you do with a cat you sit in the room you don't jump on that you don't pounce on the cat you sit there and let the cat come up to you and then once the cat comes up so a little curious don't make any sudden movements you'll freak the cat out yeah put your hand down slowly and start stroking the cat nice and evenly and the cat will apply pressure where the cat wants the pressure it's not you're not going to start cranking its tail up and grabbing its ears and twisting it and all that kind of shit yeah

01:09:29Guest:And so as sexually, it's easy to figure out, but spiritually and psychologically, it's the same thing.

01:09:36Guest:We want different things.

01:09:38Guest:And I think the biggest problem comes is when you start thinking, why aren't you thinking like me?

01:09:44Guest:Why don't you do what I do?

01:09:45Guest:And why don't you think like I think?

01:09:47Guest:And they do the same thing back to us.

01:09:49Guest:Shit that doesn't mean anything to us means a shitload to them.

01:09:52Guest:And I always say it with like, you take like a gift.

01:09:56Guest:Always talk about this.

01:09:57Guest:Like if you said,

01:09:59Guest:If I said, I want a new cordless drill and you said, I want a new ashtray or whatever you call it, I need a new microphone.

01:10:08Guest:If your girl went and got it for you the next day and just presented it to you, you wouldn't give a fuck if she bought it retail or pulled it out of the retarded neighbor kid's house.

01:10:17Guest:It wouldn't matter.

01:10:18Guest:It's like, oh my God, I asked for this and here it is.

01:10:20Guest:This is awesome.

01:10:21Guest:Now I have a drill, you have a microphone, we're happy.

01:10:25Guest:Now, chicks, they say they want flowers, but not if you're a florist.

01:10:29Guest:Yeah.

01:10:29Guest:I mean, I was dating a chick once.

01:10:32Guest:Her favorite artist was Tori Amos.

01:10:34Guest:Yeah.

01:10:34Guest:I was at a radio station.

01:10:36Marc:That's hard.

01:10:36Guest:Someone gave Tori Amos.

01:10:38Guest:I know, I should have seen that one coming.

01:10:40Guest:Tori Amos gave...

01:10:41Guest:A fan gave Tori Amos some flowers.

01:10:44Guest:Tori left them behind.

01:10:45Guest:I took them home to my girly.

01:10:48Guest:I said, sweetie, here's some flowers.

01:10:50Guest:She was like, oh my God.

01:10:51Guest:Oh my God, for nothing.

01:10:52Guest:It's not even my birthday or anniversary.

01:10:54Guest:I said, no, flowers.

01:10:55Guest:And she said, oh, this is great.

01:10:56Guest:Let me put them in some water.

01:10:57Guest:And I said, guess who they were for?

01:11:00Guest:And she went, what do you mean?

01:11:01Guest:I said, these flowers?

01:11:03Guest:even better for your favorite, Tori Amos.

01:11:06Guest:And she's like, fuck you.

01:11:07Guest:And I'm like, what?

01:11:09Guest:If somebody had given me flowers that were meant for Graham Parker or John Hyatt or something like that, I would have been like, oh, even better.

01:11:15Guest:Now I have flowers that were meant for a guy I like to listen to.

01:11:19Guest:Nope, fuck that.

01:11:20Guest:Because it wasn't your, you didn't think of it on your own.

01:11:24Guest:Right.

01:11:24Guest:But I was thinking like me.

01:11:26Guest:Yeah.

01:11:26Guest:Not like them.

01:11:27Guest:Right.

01:11:27Guest:You see what I'm saying?

01:11:28Guest:Sure.

01:11:28Guest:It's not about the flowers.

01:11:30Guest:It's about the effort it took for you to get the flowers, although you just lifting them off the sofa because Tori Amos left them is no effort.

01:11:38Marc:Sure.

01:11:38Marc:Bringing a present that someone left behind in the dressing room.

01:11:40Guest:Doesn't mean anything.

01:11:41Guest:Whereas for guys, we're bottom line.

01:11:44Guest:Yeah.

01:11:44Guest:Bottom line, free shit.

01:11:46Guest:That's it.

01:11:47Marc:Well, yeah, I think I just, I think that's, as I get older, I find that I didn't really understand a lot of that.

01:11:54Marc:I mean, obviously every woman's gonna be a little different, but there is fundamental things that you need to learn in order to behave properly and have a decent relationship.

01:12:02Guest:You don't even need to learn.

01:12:05Guest:I do.

01:12:05Guest:In a sense, well, not learn, but what I mean is, you just basically learn like a guy who's, you know, like, probably like...

01:12:16Guest:But like like I was thinking of like Rodney King learn next time you get pulled over, don't go flying out of the car because you're going to have eight guys kicking you in the head.

01:12:27Guest:Like the deal is, is I don't want to do the things I do with my wife.

01:12:32Guest:I've I figured out, oh, that's what she wants.

01:12:35Guest:I mean, it's sad.

01:12:36Guest:Right.

01:12:36Guest:You know, she thinks, oh, this is a genuine gesture.

01:12:39Guest:No, for me, it's more like you got to do this.

01:12:42Guest:even though it goes against every fiber in your body.

01:12:44Guest:Compromise.

01:12:45Guest:Because that's the language that she speaks.

01:12:47Marc:Yeah.

01:12:47Marc:But, yeah, it was an interesting analogy, but I still think that maybe the cops shouldn't have behaved like that.

01:12:53Marc:No, they shouldn't have.

01:12:54Marc:But you're still going to get it.

01:12:56Guest:Well, the cops are assholes.

01:12:58Guest:All right.

01:12:59Guest:Yeah.

01:12:59Guest:Well, thanks, Adam Carolla.

01:13:00Guest:I appreciate you coming out.

01:13:02Guest:It's been a pleasure, Marc Maron.

01:13:09Marc:That's our show.

01:13:10Marc:Hope you like Adam Carolla.

01:13:12Marc:I enjoy talking to him.

01:13:13Marc:It's interesting when you have two people who basically live their lives on the mic actually engage in a conversation.

01:13:18Marc:It was great talking to Adam.

01:13:19Marc:I hope you enjoyed that.

01:13:20Marc:Go to WTFPod.com.

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01:13:33Marc:That's it.

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01:13:47Marc:I hope you had a good time.

01:13:48Marc:I'm in Atlanta.

01:13:50Marc:I'm going to sleep.

01:14:06you