Episode 157 - Todd Barry, Ted Alexandro, Liam McEneaney, Otto and George, Heather Knight
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:All right, let's do this live WTF at the Bell House.
Marc:Brooklyn, New York.
Marc:Oh, thank you so much for coming down.
Marc:I can't, I cannot take the love.
Marc:No, seriously, I can't.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:I'd like to dedicate the show in memory of Mike DiStefano.
Marc:Please, a round of applause for Mike DiStefano, a truly sweet and kind man that passed on last week.
Marc:God damn it, I can't believe all you people came.
Marc:I don't know what the fuck to do with this.
Marc:I'm trying to accept love and not be abusive, but I'll read a fan mail in a moment where it got a little out of hand.
Marc:Far be it for me to misconstrue a fan's email as a passive-aggressive attack on everything I stood for.
Marc:But I will share that with you in a minute.
Marc:I want to thank everyone for coming again.
Marc:I want to thank people for bringing lovely gifts.
Marc:We got some Cibelli chocolates from Jeff and Susan.
Marc:Jeff's mom made these in the kitchen in Queens.
Marc:What I love about the ambition of that, she doesn't even have a place to sell them.
Marc:She just makes them and sets them in boxes in hopes that you take them to places.
Marc:CibelliChocolates.com CibelliChocolates.com
Marc:Comic books.
Marc:From what's your name, buddy?
Marc:Jared.
Marc:Jared, thank you for the comic books.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Marc:Well, that's the wrong one.
Marc:The Hellblazer.
Marc:This is good.
Marc:That'll suck me right back into mystical thinking and paranoid delusions.
Marc:You don't understand, dude.
Marc:When I first started reading John Constantine and Hellblazer, I literally, because I was unstable then, I'm so much better now.
Marc:But I was reading them when I lived in an attic in Somerville, Massachusetts, right when Hellblazer came out, and within three issues, I'm like, I am this guy.
Marc:Like, I believed that I was some sort of supernatural detective, and things were unfolding in the way, like, I believed that I was him.
Marc:Nothing was happening in my life, but I believed that I was him.
Marc:And also, thank you, uh, where are you?
Marc:Where is that thing?
Marc:Oh, look at this.
Marc:Now, see, this is the direction maybe we should be going.
Marc:Mike got me a vitamin shop...
Marc:He got me a vitamin shop gift card to perhaps counterbalance what Jin got me, which I don't even know what the fuck this is.
Marc:These are red, what are they called?
Marc:What's that red cake?
Marc:Red velvet Twinkies.
Marc:Let me tell you something.
Marc:Let me tell you something, honestly.
Marc:You know, I've known a lot of drug addicts.
Marc:And I've been a drug addict myself.
Marc:And I understand that there's something nurturing about saying, here, aging man who might have a cholesterol problem, here's a big butter cake.
Marc:I know that's sweet and that it's motherly and it's kind and I love you for it, but I'm gonna die if you keep bringing the cakes.
Marc:I'm kidding, bring them.
Marc:It's fine.
Marc:I got some t-shirts, I'm gonna throw out one t-shirt.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Oh, come on.
Marc:You can buy them after.
Marc:That's a cat shirt, and I have one bag of WTF blend.
Marc:Oh, yay.
Marc:So let's start the show proper.
Marc:Did we already do that?
Marc:Did I thank everybody that needs to be thanked?
Marc:I have nicotine gum.
Marc:I have everything I need here.
Marc:I am seriously medicating with this shit.
Marc:I have two patches on, and I'm chewing two pieces of gum.
Marc:Like, that's not at all appropriate.
Marc:That's not the idea of the quitting smoking products.
Marc:The idea was to sort of slowly wean you off cigarettes, not figure out ways to get as much nicotine as possible.
Marc:I have more nicotine in my body than I do smoking ever, and I get a good buzz, but what's the choice?
Marc:Medication?
Marc:Sorry, don't need it.
Marc:No, fuck who said, yeah, I'm not getting on medication.
Marc:You know why?
Marc:Because how interesting would this show be?
Marc:Hey, it's Mark.
Marc:This is my podcast.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:I feel good again.
Marc:So I was just thinking maybe we'd just hang out and hold on, let me bring a cat in.
Marc:Is that the show you want to hear?
Marc:Oh, you like the cats?
Marc:Cats are fine.
Marc:Everybody's good.
Marc:Boomer Pete on my books.
Marc:I can't believe I'm having this conversation right now.
Marc:This is a room full of two, 300 people.
Marc:But here's how fucking crazy I am.
Marc:Before the show, I'm like, holy shit, sold out?
Marc:That's a lot of fucking people.
Marc:And then I said, how much were the tickets?
Marc:And they said, $10.
Marc:I'm like, ah, fuck it.
Marc:That's cheaper than a movie.
Marc:Who's going to complain?
Marc:What's the worst that could happen?
Marc:I make it uncomfortable.
Marc:No, the cats are all good.
Marc:Monkey's fine, La Fonda's fine, Boomer, he failed the task, he peed on my books, and he was thrown out of the garage.
Marc:The other two entitled strays I could fucking live without.
Marc:Like, I'm a cat guy to a certain degree, but when I see cats that don't let me touch them, sitting on my stoop going, when, when, when food, when, when food, I sit there and go, fuck you, how would that be?
Marc:You little bitch.
Marc:And then I feed them smiling.
Marc:Because that's how I roll.
Marc:Look, I don't spend a lot of time in New York.
Marc:I'm staying not far from here in a hotel that it's odd.
Marc:I don't want to say the name of the hotel.
Marc:I got three emails in the last three weeks of people telling me that they were able to find my home address, just out of concern.
Marc:Oh, by the way, within three Google hits, I found your home address.
Marc:I think it's a heads up, and I'll be over in an hour.
Marc:The fact that three people said that to me in three days, and I tried to get it taken off, I don't know.
Marc:But I'm around the corner at this Holiday Inn Express hotel, and... No, I just think it's wonderful that you can come to Brooklyn and find the charm of a shitty road hotel wherever you go.
Marc:Free shitty breakfast, weird shifty people that look like they live there.
Marc:And now... Well, if you spend a lot of time in suite hotels or road hotels, you're like, holy fuck, does that guy live here?
Marc:Why is he in his underpants at the breakfast buffet?
Marc:But then there's also these weird, shiftier-looking people in hoodies.
Marc:Now, I don't know when this happened to me, and I don't know if it's a common thing, but I've decided that every time I see somebody that's suspicious that they're Russian.
Marc:Is that racist?
No.
Marc:So you identify with that, so you do too.
Marc:There's something about the Russian mafia and what they do to ATM machines that fucking freak me out.
Marc:I read one article that they've rigged all the ATM machines to steal money from me, so I only go to banks now no matter where I am.
Marc:I refuse to use a pirate ATM machine out of fear that the Russians will get my money.
Marc:But now I've decided that anyone who looks hard and angry and dangerous is fucking Russian.
Marc:And I had a conversation with my buddy Brendan, and he was like, well, it's a different thing, you know?
Marc:I mean, now there's the Russian mob.
Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God, you're right.
Marc:Back in the day when it was all Italians, you're like, it's a family thing, and there's good food, you know?
Marc:Now you see a Russian, it's like, holy fuck, just anger and pickled fish, you know?
Marc:Nothing but hate and herring coming from that hoodie.
Marc:There's no lasagna coming out of that head.
Marc:Here, just a few emails.
Marc:I like reading these at the live ones.
Marc:Mark, love the new addition of the facial hair.
Marc:Where did he jump on board?
Marc:It's almost like I didn't exist previously.
Marc:You make me feel better about my life.
Marc:And then he decided to put this in parentheses.
Marc:My first wife left me for a guy with an above-ground pool.
Marc:Which I think tops anything you're dealing with, but who knows?
Marc:Just wanted to say hi, pass along kudos, and see if you really read this stuff.
Marc:Scott.
Marc:Okay, Mike, love your stuff.
Marc:Just thought I'd share this with you.
Marc:I named my cat Marin around seven or eight months ago or so.
Marc:I kept thinking about mailing you to inform you of that important news.
Marc:I hope you don't feel that besmirches your family name.
Marc:And then in parentheses, who actually uses that word?
Marc:Jesus.
Marc:And then he goes, he added this in, I guess, to make me feel better.
Marc:He's a little shit, but I like him.
Marc:From Mike.
Marc:Here's the deal.
Marc:I get a Facebook message.
Marc:This isn't this one.
Marc:This is another one.
Marc:So I've got to sort of own this in public or I'm going to keep fucking doing this.
Marc:Facebook message.
Marc:The guy basically says, I read your Delta tweets and I guess you're not the guy I became a fan of a year and a half ago.
Marc:over the fucking Delta tweets?
Marc:What, he's some sort of Delta apologist?
Marc:Like he's some sort of corporate entity apologist?
Marc:He thought I was being inappropriate to a faceless fucking airline that can't clean fucking barf out of their planes before they put me on them?
Marc:Anyways, that was a little out of control.
Marc:So... No, but he tells me, like, you know, I'm not the guy that he became a fan of, and I guess it's just business now for me.
Marc:And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about, you passive-aggressive douchebag?
Marc:So I sent that to him.
Marc:And...
Marc:And then he goes, maybe you misunderstood me.
Marc:And then, like, I did this thing, which only... Now, you have to understand, like, I'm very busy.
Marc:I'm overwhelmed with shit.
Marc:So if I can, you know, focus my obsessive anger on a specific person, it's almost spiritual for me.
Marc:It, you know, it grounds me, you know?
Marc:So he goes, you know, he wrote back, I'm not passive-aggressive.
Marc:So then I did that thing that fucking freaks do.
Marc:I cut and pasted pieces of his email.
Yeah.
Marc:with saying, like, how is this not passive-aggressive, douchebag?
Marc:How about this?
Marc:And then he decided that, you know, I misunderstood him completely, and I'm like, what do you mean?
Marc:Do you want me to call a lawyer in to interpret this?
Marc:And then, well, I didn't, I don't know why I would even say that, but I, um, what's a lawyer gonna do?
Marc:Like, dude, you're a lawyer.
Marc:Just call this guy an asshole for me.
Marc:I got a lawyer friend that just calls people dicks.
Marc:No, but then the guy says, look, I'm a fan, which that fucking drives me nuts.
Marc:Are you a fan?
Marc:Maybe you should see above exchange.
Marc:I'm a fan.
Marc:I'm coming to the show in Bloomington.
Marc:I just want to know that if I come, that you're not going to say anything.
Marc:And I said, if you come and I recognize you from your Facebook picture, which is highly unlikely, I will read this exchange on stage and let the audience decide whether or not you're a douchebag.
Marc:How mature of me.
Marc:And he said, well, I don't want my wife to be uncomfortable.
Marc:Can I at least request that?
Marc:And I said, I actually sat on that for two days and I wrote back, I don't know if I can honor that request.
Marc:So let me just read a little bit of this one.
Marc:I think there's a really great beat in it and the guy might be in here and he's already fucking freaked out.
Marc:Mark, I want to preface this email to tell you that I love your podcast.
Marc:Good opening.
Marc:In an attempt to catch up with all your episodes, I've been listening to WTF during my daily commute, 45 minutes each way, every day for at least a month now.
Marc:I'm almost resenting that you've been so successful with your podcast because I haven't listened to any music or other podcasts in a while.
Marc:Quite a while.
Marc:Now that should have been the red flag for me right there.
Marc:I'm resenting that you've become successful because I like you.
Marc:Which means him and I have a lot in common.
Marc:I like WTF so much because it's nice to hear someone's over-analytical thought process other than my own.
Marc:I think I'm more passive-aggressive and introverted than you while being just as open as you are on your podcast with people in my life.
Marc:This inability to put up walls, have a filter while I'm talking, or be fake in social situations like I should be has left me with plenty of acquaintances but no close friends.
Aww.
Marc:Now, this is beautiful.
Marc:This is one of the best beats I've ever received in an email.
Marc:I really just wanted to write you about some of my constructive criticisms of your show.
Marc:I hope you don't take this the wrong way or have it bum you out, but the show just isn't funny 90% of the time.
Marc:Is WTF amusing?
Marc:Yes, like no other.
Marc:Thought-provoking?
Marc:Without a doubt.
Marc:Do you have a great sense of humor?
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:But it just isn't that funny.
Marc:And that bothers me, because you're an awesome comic and have the potential of comedic greatness with WTF, and you're so close to it.
Marc:Sometimes you seem to go out of your way to not be funny.
Marc:Like when you visited the NPR guy.
Marc:Oh, you mean Ira Glass?
Marc:The NPR guy.
Marc:That fucking guy.
Marc:Who's that guy?
Marc:I know you look up to him and we're glad to meet him, but does that mean you'd have Rachel Ray on the podcast because you liked making one of her recipes?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, I would.
Marc:I would have Rachel Ray on in a fucking heartbeat just to make her cry.
Marc:Are you here, Matt?
Marc:Like he's gonna fucking say.
Marc:Look, I understand that you, Matt, if you're here, I'll do this both shows.
Marc:I don't give a fuck.
Marc:You might be here, and I just want to say it's cool with us.
Marc:Just don't ever write me another email, ever.
Marc:It's fine.
Marc:I know you meant well, but honestly, it's not all about funny.
Marc:Sometimes it's just about sad and provocative and interesting.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Todd Hanson, ladies and gentlemen, one of the great writers of The Onion.
Marc:Todd Hanson been at The Onion newspaper for 20 years.
Marc:Todd Hanson celebrates sadness like no other.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Todd Hanson will be featured on an episode of WTF in the very near future if I can get him to sit with me for an hour without us both being sucked into a vortex of sadness.
Marc:Right?
Marc:He laughed.
Marc:Don't fucking groan.
Marc:He laughed.
Marc:He knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Marc:What's that?
Marc:I know, buddy, but I think we can get through it.
Marc:And even if we both end up crying, I think that's what people like.
Marc:Maybe not Matt, but people in general, I'd welcome that.
Marc:And it ends with me going, God, you're right.
Marc:You know, I don't feel that good either.
Marc:And I don't think there's a point.
Marc:Let's end by playing Russian roulette.
Marc:Here's what we'll do.
Marc:We'll end it.
Marc:I'll bring a revolver.
Marc:I'll put one bullet in the fucking thing, the twirling thing.
Marc:What is it, a cylinder?
Marc:What is it?
Marc:Huh?
Marc:The chamber.
Marc:So here's what I'll do.
Marc:I'll put a bullet in, I'll spin it, and right before I click, I'll pitch you an onion headline.
Marc:And then, you know, I click, and then if I don't die, you make the headline better, and then you click.
Marc:Is that how you guys used to write the onion?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, right now, I just want to bring out a special guest for two minutes.
Marc:Eugene Merman stopped by, and we got something... Don't sit on any equipment.
Marc:Sit there.
Marc:She's got to come out, and we're going to... I don't have a lot of time, but I just want to get something out of the way.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:It's nice to see you, Eugene.
Marc:It's great to see you, Mark.
Marc:Why don't we do this?
Marc:What are you up to?
Marc:You know.
Marc:Okay, good.
Marc:The...
Marc:Are you happy?
Marc:You good?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Do you know Todd?
Marc:You should go hang out with him.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Listen, we recently were in Ithaca, which led to the Delta tweets, which led to me getting a gift basket, $119 and 2,500 Delta miles.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I know you're like, what does that say?
Marc:We don't have that kind of access just because you have more Twitter followers.
Marc:Not my problem.
Marc:Now, we were in Ithaca.
Marc:And you interrupted my show in the middle of the set.
Marc:And I just wanted you to explain that to me.
Guest:That is absolutely one way to look at it.
Guest:The other way to look at it is that we were doing a co-headlining thing.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:And before the show, we just kind of had this informal, like, hey, what are you going to do?
Guest:And, like, how much time?
Guest:And we agreed that Mark would do whatever he was going to do, but we would pretend that it would be within a certain range.
Guest:And so I was like, like, 45 minutes?
Guest:We're like, yeah, we'll do, like, 45 minutes.
Marc:Yeah, right, that's co-headlining.
Guest:That's co-headlining.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:So at Mark's, and it's true that... So at Mark's one-hour, 40-minute mark...
Guest:I thought it would be funny to come out and be like, hey, Mark, it's already March 17th.
Guest:Partially I did it because I'm self-destructive.
Guest:And I thought somebody should... Mark doesn't have anyone teasing him in his life, and he needs that.
Guest:So that's where I come in, sacrificing myself in the instance that he would unleash his mustache and fury.
Guest:And in all honesty, I thought I'd only done an hour 20.
Marc:So I appreciate that you gave me the heads up.
Guest:I didn't want you to... What made me feel bad is that you stopped.
Guest:You finished it and you left.
Guest:And I was like, I didn't mean to ruin it.
Guest:I just meant to make fun of you.
Marc:Yeah, and then what happened?
Guest:And then you stopped and I was like, I'm sorry, Mark.
Guest:I didn't mean to ruin it.
Marc:I just wanted to tease you.
Marc:No, I thought it was good.
Marc:And then I said, why don't you bring out some more of your toys?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, because Eugene plays a fairman very well.
Guest:Yeah, I have a lot of crazy stuff I do.
Marc:Well, it was a pleasure seeing you.
Marc:We've got some crazy right now.
Marc:Thanks for stopping.
Guest:I'm not leaving.
Guest:No, okay, bye.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:No, no, no, I'm leaving.
Marc:Brooklyn's own Eugene Merman, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Now, I don't know what's going to happen here.
Marc:This is kind of exciting for me.
Marc:I don't know if any of you, do you go to TED.com and listen to smart people talk about shit?
Marc:All right, well, somebody sent me a link to TED.com, and I saw a woman on there who had a robot doing stand-up comedy.
Marc:did you see that clip okay well she exists and she's real and she has this stand-up comedy robot and i said i've got to have her on my show because i'm a little intimidated by her and by and by the robot so right now i'm going to bring out the founder of maryland monrobot.com she's a she's a roboticist and she's also a researcher for carnegie mellon and she has her robot heather knight ladies and gentlemen
Marc:I really don't know what's more intimidating.
Marc:How can this possibly be hot?
Marc:All right, the... I'm sorry.
Marc:Do you want a microphone?
Marc:Hi, Heather.
Guest:Hey, guys.
Guest:Thanks for having me on the show.
Marc:I'm very excited about a lot of things.
Marc:Can I ask you a couple questions?
Guest:Yes, absolutely.
Marc:Does that thing have a name?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So the robot's name is Data, named after the Star Trek character.
Guest:Woo!
Guest:Who likes Star Trek?
Guest:What?
Marc:All those guys came three seconds ago.
Guest:Why do you bring a nerd on the show, Mark?
Guest:What?
Marc:The people, all the guys who just went, woo, are like, uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Marc:They're having a hard time doing that and still trying to hide their erection.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:That's crass and rude of me.
Marc:I apologize.
Guest:My robot's going to beat you up.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Okay, so now wait.
Marc:She actually just flew in from Switzerland and you were at a robot conference?
Guest:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:What does that mean?
Guest:It was about human-robot interaction.
Guest:So all these people from all over the world come together to share crazy robot videos.
Marc:So you just sat around looking at robot videos in Switzerland?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Do they put you up nice and everything?
Guest:You know.
Guest:Switzerland.
Guest:Switzerland, it's nice.
Guest:They give you chocolate.
Marc:Now, let me ask you a question about this, because I've been doing some reading about the singularity.
Marc:Do you know what that is?
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Marc:All right, can we just talk about that for one second?
Guest:Sure.
Marc:What the fuck is it?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Well, I think there's like three possible visions of the singularity.
Guest:Like it's all about... Tell it so we can all understand.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So it's like technology is going to improve to a point where potentially it could start improving itself.
Guest:So evolution starts proceeding on not biological speed, but on like digital speed.
Marc:So human beings stop and we just watch our phones do things without us?
Guest:Well, there's like three scenarios I see.
Guest:Like one is then the machines can kind of just become super intelligent and leave us behind, right?
Marc:Is that a good thing?
Guest:No, I don't think so.
Guest:And the other is like that we can join with the machines and we can all be cyborgs.
Marc:Is that going to happen?
Guest:Same guys.
Guest:Same Star Trek guys we're like imagine what I could do with this if it was a mechanical cock article that came out yesterday I think about how evolution made the bone go away in the penis.
Guest:I don't know what happened I I guess some species they actually have like a physical bone in their penis yeah and like human like just humans just had some weird like DNA thing and we just lost the bone and
Marc:We lost a bone?
Marc:So that's why, you know, that's why there's an entire... This isn't really in my area, but... All I know is that in some situations, a bone would make it easier.
Guest:Maybe you don't want to be in that situation.
Marc:Wait, you mean married?
Marc:You're right, I don't.
Marc:So I'm sorry, what was the third scenario?
Marc:I'm sorry, I brought it right into the gutter.
Marc:The third scenario, the singularity.
Guest:I think the third is kind of we have a combination of the first two.
Guest:So we have the robots, and then we have the superhumans, and we're all friends.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, that's good.
Marc:But is there a chance that... All right, this is a question I have.
Marc:Is there a chance that maybe they can take my brain and suspend it in goo and that my consciousness would exist and I could still talk and have that experience of being alive, only I don't have a body?
Guest:Oh, yeah, a lot of people are really into, like, uploading their brains.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, how about that?
Guest:I don't like that so much.
Guest:Like, I think, like, I'm biased, right?
Guest:I'm a roboticist, and so, like, I like things that are embodied, and I feel like the physical intelligence you have by, like, actually existing and manipulating and sensing the world and moving around in it is really intrinsic to, like, what it means to be human and what it means to have experience and pleasure and everything else.
Marc:Okay, all right, so you're not into that.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Because I just pictured...
Marc:I just pictured that I would be uploaded on a computer and that whoever was in charge of me would turn on the computer and the computer would go, oh, fuck, again?
Marc:That's my feeling.
Marc:But I like what you said.
Marc:I didn't understand it.
Marc:Let's do this with data.
Marc:Do you want me to put a mic on him?
Marc:Do you want me to hold a mic on him?
Marc:Okay, I can do that.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Marc:Is he talking?
Marc:Teach him some manners.
Marc:Who said she?
Marc:Is it she?
Marc:It's a boy.
Marc:Okay, see, it's a boy.
Marc:See, already, you're objectifying.
Marc:Already, the women are objectifying the robot.
Marc:Hi, buddy.
Guest:Starting program.
Marc:Yay, starting something.
Guest:What's up?
Marc:I feel like this is back... Oh, shit.
Guest:My name is Data.
Guest:I'm here to entertain you.
Guest:I have been looking forward to meeting you, Mark.
Guest:But it's hard to get you to shut up and I would like to take over the stage now.
Guest:We actually have a lot in common.
Guest:We are both highly intelligent.
Guest:We both tell jokes.
Guest:Actually, the only real difference between us is I have a better chance of holding a relationship together.
Guest:For my finale, I will also show off my highly developed dancing skills.
Guest:Are you ready?
Marc:Sure, after you just insulted me, yeah, do whatever you gotta do.
Marc:The robot is doing Michael Jackson dancing.
Marc:He's doing it very well.
Marc:It's eerie how well he's doing it.
Marc:This is not your average toy.
Marc:This is something frightening, but really cool.
Marc:He's just bowed.
Marc:Now he's up.
Marc:What happens now?
Guest:Thank you for being a great audience.
Marc:Now he's sitting down.
Marc:He's throwing things on the floor.
Marc:And he's meditating.
Guest:He solved your hate email problem.
Marc:Is he done?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Keep it going for Data, the robot.
Marc:now like look okay so my experience with that is just watching it that like that's not a toy that's something much more complicated than a toy totally and and it's not something you would buy a child uh and it's not something what what's the future that you're gunning for here heather i mean how do these robots why are you doing this
Guest:I want to take your job.
Marc:There's no way that can replace me.
Guest:I'm just kidding.
Marc:No, no, no, definitely not.
Marc:But then we have a conversation.
Marc:We did have a conversation that you were curious about performers and giving this robot some soul.
Guest:So basically, right, we have this like robot revolution that kind of already happened.
Guest:I don't know if you knew about it.
Guest:Anyone?
Guest:Well.
Guest:No.
Guest:When did that happen?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So, like, most of, like, the packages we get, like, in the mail or the food that we eat, like, a lot of the things are processed and even harvested through all these different machines.
Guest:The thing is, like, a lot of these robots are in manufacturing and they're behind closed doors.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We don't have robots in our everyday life.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I think one of the reasons why we don't have them in our everyday life is because they're not cool.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So you're saying we don't have robots that people can go, dude, you want to get high with my robot?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Yeah, totally.
Guest:I mean, did you see surrogates?
Marc:Like, they were doing the little electric shocks and... But how long before... I mean, that all sounds good, but, like, I know, you know, people.
Marc:I mean, it's only a matter of time before data is turned out and he's given handjobs in living rooms.
Marc:I mean, really, I mean, like... I mean, I don't want to be rude, but they already have, like, these, like, weird fuckable life girl dolls.
Guest:They're not selling very well.
Marc:Oh, you've already checked on that?
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Guest:My boyfriend wants me to be rich.
Guest:So he's suggesting... He's really pushing me that direction, but so far, I don't think it's that... He's saying, like, we need a better fuckable robot?
Guest:No, he just wants to not have to work.
Guest:Sounds like a good boyfriend.
Marc:Can we just make a robot that looks exactly like you so we can have a threesome with it?
Guest:That's not cheating, right?
Marc:I don't know, is it?
Marc:That's a moral question.
Marc:Did you discuss that at the robot conference?
Guest:You know, maybe I'll run a workshop on that next year.
Marc:I would come.
Marc:I mean, I would be there.
Marc:Shit.
Marc:I didn't even mean that one.
Marc:I'm just recovering from the fact you have a boyfriend.
Marc:Why did I even have you on?
Marc:I'm kidding.
Guest:You met him.
Marc:You seem to have everything going for you.
Marc:Do you have a robot?
Marc:Do you have intelligence?
Guest:I mean, like, all girls like good dancers.
Marc:That's cute.
Marc:I, um...
Marc:So in the future, these things are going to help who?
Marc:Like if you want to give that thing a soul, it needs to like go through an identity crisis.
Marc:It has to have a drug problem.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Some people like I've been asking a lot of comedians for tips on like how to make a successful robot.
Guest:And like really a lot of them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Who have you talked to?
Guest:Well, it's a secret.
Guest:I can't tell you.
Guest:No, but one of the really helpful things that I heard was that he won't be a real standup comedian until he has a drinking problem.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So we want to get it started?
Marc:Let's dump a beer on its head.
Marc:Well, so ultimately, though, it's not really about entertainment.
Marc:It's about helping people integrate with robots for things like feeding me.
Guest:I just feel like you can make different sorts of things possible, like whether it's like, you know, it's an assistant to a therapist.
Guest:So you can like have the robots like work with physical therapy or autism education.
Marc:I thought you meant like a psychotherapist.
Marc:The day I walk into my psychotherapist office, it's like, this is my robot assistant.
Marc:I'm like, who's fucking crazy?
Marc:You know?
Marc:There's no way I'm going to listen to the robot.
Marc:No, he really knows best.
Marc:The singularity is here.
Guest:Don't people sometimes use a pillow during the therapy and they act out how they feel rather than physically actually talk about it because the movements are more expressive?
Marc:So you want to make a domestic abuse robot?
Guest:No, you can have like... Honey, don't hit me.
Marc:Hit the robot.
Marc:That's why we got it.
Guest:Society fix.
Guest:Done.
Guest:Yeah, we're good.
Guest:I can quit my job now.
Marc:Well, is there anything else you want to cover before I bring a ventriloquist out here?
Marc:To answer to this personal attack of his profession?
Guest:Well, I guess, like, I just want to tell some of you guys that I'm interested in, like, creating performances where I have the audience members, like, help teach the robot how to be social.
Guest:So if you want to, like, pay attention to that sometime in the future and if you're interested in contributing to that, like, I think you actually know how to be human a lot better than this guy does.
Guest:It's just a hunch.
Guest:Um...
Marc:Probably better than this guy, too.
Guest:But, yeah, so, like, I think, like, yeah, just stay tuned for performances where the audience members get to help shape what's happening on stage.
Marc:Where can they find out about that at Marilyn Monroe Bot?
Guest:Yeah, Marilyn Monroe Bot dot com.
Marc:Heather Knight, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:Very excited about this next guest, primarily because not only is he going to respond to what we just saw, but I've been fucking, like, I honestly am excited because I've been wanting to see this guy my entire life, and I've never watched him perform live, and we've only met once, and he's legendary.
Marc:Please welcome Otto and George, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Guest:Hey, can we have a round of applause for the great Marc Maron?
Guest:Come on, let's hear it for this guy.
Guest:I can fix this for you.
Guest:It's good.
Guest:We're good.
Guest:You're good?
Guest:I feel more comfortable standing.
Guest:Hey, look at this crowd here.
Guest:You look like all fucking Katrina victims here.
Guest:There's a lot of people here, George.
Guest:Yeah, you'd really think there was something going on in this fucking place.
All right.
Guest:Nice open.
Guest:It's become like a futuristic Joe Franklin show here with the puppets and weirdos.
Guest:How many people are from Brooklyn?
Guest:There's no food.
Guest:This place sucks.
Guest:Let's all take a shit right here.
Guest:All right.
Guest:What did you think of the robot?
Guest:That fucking thing sucks cocks with AAA batteries.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Do you find it threatens your career?
Marc:I mean, is it a concern?
Marc:No.
Guest:I was thinking about the future.
Guest:I'm thinking maybe like 100 years from now they're going to have like holograms of comedians that have passed away so you can actually go to a club and see like Bill Hicks or Kinnison live.
Guest:That might happen one day.
Guest:Every time you talk, the whole show sucks.
Guest:You look like you combed your hair with a cock.
Marc:Sorry, Mark.
Marc:It's all right.
Marc:You know, you can't control it.
Guest:Sorry.
Marc:How long have you been doing this?
Guest:I started out at 14 as a street performer in New York City.
Guest:I was passing the hat in those days.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Then I went to the clubs, and I started working blue to get the comedians to like me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, they see a guy with a puppet and they think, oh, Bodak, he's a hack and shit like that.
Guest:So you got to appeal to the jaded sensibility of comedians and that's why.
Guest:Are you done?
Guest:All right.
Guest:I wanted to fucking kill myself halfway through that story.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Go to fucking Home Depot, buy some clothesline and fucking hang yourself.
Guest:Is it just me or does Owen Wilson look like Ellen DeGeneres with a cock for a nose?
Guest:It's a good crowd.
Guest:I can't see nothing.
Guest:That fucking light is in my eyes.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Now, who'd you start with?
Guest:You started in Brooklyn, right?
Guest:Yeah, I, uh, shut up.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Um, sorry.
Guest:Die already.
Guest:I have a cough.
Guest:So take X-lax.
Guest:You'll be too scared to cough.
Guest:After the show, I'm going to go to Coney Island.
Guest:You in?
Guest:I love Coney Island.
Guest:I get a hot dog, look at the Atlantic Ocean, and then run for my fucking life for the rest of the night.
Guest:I saw a black guy earlier today.
Guest:I said, guilty.
Guest:All right, you liberal scumbag.
Guest:Suck my cock.
Guest:All right.
Guest:No, no, stop.
Guest:He doesn't mean that.
Guest:Italian women had the hairiest pussies.
Guest:The end.
Guest:The hell of a show you're doing, Mark.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Good luck in prison.
Guest:All right.
Guest:That robot chick had a nice body, man.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Creepy fucking gumball machine telling fucking jokes.
Guest:I can't get any fucking work.
Guest:She's flying all over the fucking world.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Oh, I started at Pips in Sheep's Head Bay.
Guest:Nobody cares!
Marc:So there was a lot of guys out there, right?
Marc:Who started with you?
Guest:Well, in those days, I knew Andy Kaufman.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, very strange guy.
Guest:Never got a straight answer out of him.
Marc:But how old was he, like 18 or 19?
Guest:No, no, this was, you know, I guess he was in his 20s.
Guest:It was around the time he did Saturday Night Live, that period.
Guest:Did he like the puppet?
No.
Guest:When you talk to Andy, he never, like, responded as himself.
Guest:Whatever character he was doing that night, he was in character.
Guest:He was, like, real method guy.
Guest:Amazing.
Guest:So no one ever... Oh, every comic would run into the room to study him.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Brilliant.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:To be baffled and amazed.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Nobody knew where he was coming from.
Guest:He was so, so unique.
Guest:Did he do well?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Absolutely, yeah.
Guest:And what about... So Dice, too, right?
Guest:Yeah, Dice was there.
Guest:My mother and father, they were there.
Yeah.
Guest:Honeymooners?
Guest:Nobody?
Guest:Greatest show ever?
Guest:All right.
Marc:Probably like the king or queens.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:Quote the honeymooners.
Guest:They stare at me like I invented income tax.
Guest:I'll do the jokes.
Guest:All right.
Guest:You're ruining everything.
Guest:All right.
Guest:The fucking hat.
Guest:The jiffy top is ready.
Guest:All right.
Guest:That's cool.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You got hat hair.
Guest:He's got hat hair.
Guest:All right, now.
Guest:Laugh it up, lady, and then brush your teeth at my cock.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Easy.
Guest:You use cursing as a crutch.
Guest:It's more like a motorized wheelchair at this point.
Guest:I got a clean joke.
Guest:You know why Helen Keller doesn't play piano?
Guest:Why?
Guest:She's fucking dead.
Guest:Cricket?
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Now, in all honesty... Yes, sir?
Marc:Was there ever a point where, you know, like I saw the movie Magic.
Marc:Did you see it?
Marc:Oh, yeah, it was great.
Marc:Yeah, sit down, you fuck.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Now, was there ever a point where your sanity became questionable?
Guest:Yeah, people like that subtext that a ventriloquist is mentally ill, so I always try and feed that a little bit.
Guest:But you're not?
Guest:Well, I have mental issues, but I don't have the thing where I talk to the puppet offstage.
Guest:I've been spared that horror.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Can you tell the people why you jump?
Guest:Sorry.
Marc:Now, when you were a kid, though, like, why this?
Guest:Well, he finds you interesting.
Guest:I fucking hate you.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Despise you.
Guest:Jeff Dunham made $37 million last year.
Guest:You're working in a fucking strip mall in fucking Scranton.
Guest:Fucking suck on the end of the shotgun, you fucking loser.
Guest:Be alone.
Guest:Don't be negative.
Guest:Did you ever think about making more puppets?
Guest:Next question.
Guest:All right now.
Guest:Oh, you mean... This guy's trying to squeeze me out of the act.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Yeah, get 17 more fucking puppets that can fail in shoulders for 50 fucking years.
Guest:I tried to get on a Jerry Lewis telethon.
Guest:They said, I couldn't get you on that show if you had the disease.
Guest:That's material.
Guest:Feed that into that fucking gumball machine.
Guest:Fucking roll dot break dancing.
Guest:It's creepy.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So you never thought about another puppet?
Guest:I did, but it's a lot of schlepping.
Guest:I can't afford an entourage and stuff, you know?
Guest:I wish I was a stand-up because you guys just show up, you know, and just as yourself, you don't need anything.
Guest:I got to schlep a trunk around, you know?
Guest:But when you thought about it... Are you sad?
Guest:Kill yourself.
Guest:No, I'm not sad.
Guest:A man says... Fucking retard.
Marc:But when you thought about maybe doing another one, excuse me, do I say George?
Marc:Yeah, it's called puppet dummy.
Marc:I don't want to insult anybody.
Marc:But when you thought about doing another one, what did you think?
Guest:I worked on this gay character called Phil Fruit, but it was gay bashing and it was angry.
Guest:I could never formulate a character on that.
Guest:But did you get halfway through the puppet and say, fuck it?
Guest:Um...
Guest:It just didn't work out.
Guest:I wasn't able to work left-handed, and everybody was like, you know, they wanted to see George, and if I showed up with Phil, it would be a disappointment, you know?
Guest:Oh, so it was one or the other?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, all right.
Guest:When you were a kid, though, I mean, how old were you, if you don't mind me asking?
Guest:50 now.
Guest:So was Edgar Bergen, was he the guy?
Guest:Paul Winchell was my era.
Guest:I loved that Winchell-Mahoney time.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yucklehead, Jerry Mahoney, yeah.
Marc:It was really fun.
Marc:Because when I was a kid, I had the Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer snorted, the plastic ones.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I just never got over that.
Guest:Most people have that experience for a few weeks and then throw it in the closet.
Guest:Well, it was a very short time before they just ended up heads.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But you just have a head.
Guest:Those things are worth money now.
Guest:Jerry Mahoney in good condition, it's worth money.
Marc:But they were plastic, right?
Guest:Yeah, you have vinyl, yeah, plastic.
Guest:Do you have them?
Guest:Yeah, I got my original Jerry, the string in the back of the neck there.
Marc:Yeah, and did your parents, were they excited?
Guest:I only had my mom.
Guest:My father wasn't present.
Guest:No, they just filled me with fear.
Guest:Don't get it to show, but it's a bad idea.
Guest:Have something to fall back on, all negative fucking...
Guest:fear-based bullshit.
Guest:I had one uncle that encouraged me.
Guest:My uncle David was great.
Guest:What did he do?
Guest:He said, go for it.
Guest:He goes, fuck it, just go for it.
Guest:You don't have kids, try it.
Guest:He turned me on to Benny Hill.
Guest:We'd always talk about comedy together.
Guest:What did he do for a living?
Guest:He was an inspector for charitable organizations in the state of New York.
Guest:If you wanted to raise money for charity, he would find out if you were fraudulent or not.
Guest:He was a very cool guy.
Guest:If you like black chicks, he was like De Niro.
Guest:He always had a hot black girlfriend.
Guest:Very cool guy.
Guest:I knew there was a twist somewhere.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:George's last name is Dudley, which is a tribute to my Uncle David, whose nickname was Dud.
Guest:We call him Uncle Dud.
Guest:So I named him George Dudley as a tribute.
Guest:Jews named children after dead relatives.
Guest:I didn't have any kids.
Guest:How do you feel about that, George?
Guest:Oh, it's a fucking depressing story.
Guest:All right.
All right.
Guest:Paging Dr. Kevorkian, come to Red Hook.
Guest:Bring your kit.
Marc:Otto and George, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:So why don't we move down?
Marc:I'll bring other people.
Marc:You grab another mic.
Guest:You're ruining everything.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a lovely man who runs a lovely show on the Lower East Side.
Marc:He's run it for years, and literally the room seats four people.
Marc:But it's become very popular to the degree that he's now created a film.
Marc:It's called Tell Your Friends, The Concert.
Marc:It's, I believe, premiering at South by Southwest.
Marc:It features me.
Marc:And he's very funny, and I've done his room many times, and he just appeared on Caroline Ray and Friends.
Marc:Please welcome Liam McEnany.
Guest:All right.
Marc:You know Otto and George?
Guest:Is that working?
Marc:Do we have mic power?
Guest:There we go.
Guest:Hey, everybody.
Guest:You met backstage?
Guest:We met backstage.
Guest:Was that the first time you met a Venturaquist?
Guest:Well, I met Otto.
Guest:I haven't met George yet.
Guest:It's a pleasure to meet you, George.
Guest:Do a sit-up.
Guest:I leave him alone now.
Guest:Jesus.
Guest:Well, that's crazy.
Guest:That puppet's so mean, but Otto's so nice.
Guest:How does that work?
Guest:Good cop, bad guy.
Guest:Your mother's cunt.
Guest:Shut up.
Marc:My mother's cunt.
Marc:That's so disrespectful.
Marc:I know.
Marc:That's what it's all about, comedy.
Marc:You're too nice.
Marc:That's what it is.
Marc:I am too nice.
Marc:Oh, yeah, I'm too nice.
Guest:That's the...
Marc:No, you're a very sweet man.
Marc:I've always found that.
Marc:You're very kind and magnanimous.
Marc:You're like a Gaelic storyteller, I've decided.
Guest:I'm a little more passive-aggressive than nice, but I'll take it.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I never take a compliment.
Guest:Well, I apologize, Mark.
Guest:You and me both.
Marc:So what's the story with this movie?
Marc:I can't believe you made a movie in that closet of a room.
Marc:I mean, it's a great room.
Guest:Well, we actually shot it here at the Bell House.
Guest:That seems to be cheating to me.
Guest:Well, you know, it's like we couldn't really get five cameras into it.
Guest:Tell me how much does that place seat?
Guest:That place comfortably seats 40.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And this past Monday, we had like 75 people in there.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We had people sitting like, thank you.
Marc:But the weird thing is about comedy business right now is that that room, like, you know, Colin Quinn's gone down there.
Marc:Aziz has gone down there.
Marc:Kylie's gone down there.
Marc:I mean, everyone's gone down there to work out shit.
Marc:I worked out several bits down there.
Marc:It seems to be a great place.
Marc:It's got sort of magic to it.
Guest:Yeah, well, you know, I think it's just very intimate, and people's expectations are extremely low when you go into a bar basement to watch a comedy show.
Guest:So the bar is so low that you can do anything entertaining, and the audience is like, oh, my God, this is way better than I expected it to be.
Guest:So why don't you just call the show This Might Suck?
Guest:It's truth in advertising.
Guest:I want people to actually come watch it.
Guest:Now, all right, so what's this movie?
Guest:How does it work?
Guest:Well, essentially, it's a concert film.
Guest:We have people like Reggie Watts and Kurt and Kristen and... All right, well, there you go.
Guest:Myself and Christian Finnegan.
Guest:If you were a real Reggie fan, you would have made that, woo, a whole song.
All right.
Marc:That woo would have continued, like, woo, woo, woo, woo.
Marc:And then, like, there would be a lot of layers of stuff.
Guest:You're not a real Reggie Watts fan.
Guest:Thank you for chastising the one guy who might go see my movie.
Marc:That's how I roll lately.
Marc:If there's a fan of anybody who shows any excitement, I'm like, why?
Guest:How dare you enjoy this show?
Guest:Please be quiet.
Guest:Stop enjoying it openly.
Guest:I've been yelling at wooers lately.
Woo!
Marc:Yeah, but usually, see, like, that's sort of a hipster woo, because I know the context here.
Marc:That's a hilarious woo.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, if you're on the road and you hear, woo, it's usually a dumb woman who... No, it's absolutely true.
Marc:There's no hissing necessary.
Marc:I've been doing this for 25 fucking years.
Marc:I've kept it... I keep a woo diary.
Guest:I have to back mark up on this.
Guest:That usually is a woo coming from a birthday party.
Marc:Yeah, that's exactly right.
Marc:What it is, it's a woman who decides in that moment that it's not enough about her or she's lost track with what you're saying.
Marc:And for some reason, her default is to go, woo!
Marc:Which translates to, me!
Marc:Why not me?
Marc:Am I right, Otto?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:You nailed it.
Marc:What does that guy get?
Marc:He must get all kinds of shit.
Marc:Have you made girls cry with that thing?
Guest:I get a lot of walkouts from the female of the gender.
Guest:They take comics literally like we mean what we say, whereas Jack Nicholson chased a woman for two hours in a movie with an axe, but nobody believes he's an axe murderer.
Guest:But a comedian is taken at face value for some reason.
Marc:Well, that's a conversation I had with Gallagher.
Marc:It was a brief conversation, but I mean...
Marc:But, like, you know, the difference is, and people always ask me about this, hang tight, you can ship in here, is that, like, if you're going to do racially insensitive material or homophobic material, you're going to own that.
Marc:You're going to say, of course you do that, right?
Guest:Well, I find that if I edit myself, then that means I'm a racist.
Guest:Like, I do a joke that a black woman's vagina looks like a wallet.
Guest:And then sometimes...
Guest:I'll see, like, a black woman be seated at the club, and I'll go, oh, should I do the joke?
Guest:Should I not do it?
Guest:And I go, just do it, because if I don't do it, then it means it was meant in a mean-spirited way to begin with.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Whereas if I just do it and say, fuck it, take a chance, then, you know, it's just a joke.
Marc:And what happens when you do it?
Marc:Does she walk out?
Guest:50-50.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Usually it's like, that puppet's a racist.
Guest:Or they just go, I never laughed that hard in my life.
Guest:You hope for the latter.
Marc:I guess the difference is just do it or you walk up afterwards and say, listen, I just wanted to tell you, I usually do this joke.
Guest:You can't repaint an apartment in eight seconds just because you have some fear.
Guest:You gotta just do it.
Guest:You know, your act is what got you there, so you have to do what they paid to see, you know?
Guest:The problem is, like, I do mostly shows with audiences like this, so if you do anything racial, it's just a lot of, oh!
Marc:Or actually, there's a vacuum to it.
Marc:Like, there's sometimes some jokes, like, because some people don't know how to receive them, they'd rather just sort of, like, literally in their brain go, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Yeah.
Guest:I think people are genuinely nervous that if they laugh out loud at something that it turns out is offensive to an actual black person.
Guest:Like the black police will come and take them away.
Guest:So if there's like a black person, one black person in the crowd, everyone around them will turn and look and be like, hmm, is that cool?
Guest:Oh, he's laughing, okay.
Marc:Well, that's interesting because when you play these audiences, it's always going to be that ratio.
Marc:Oh, there's no black people in this room.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:Now you're going to get... They came to see Patrice and Keith who called in late.
Guest:Someone is raising their hand.
Marc:This is not a class.
Guest:I'm not taking questions.
Marc:Wait, what is their question?
Marc:It's my show.
Marc:What's up?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I do have a movie having its world premiere.
Guest:What was that?
Guest:What the fuck was that?
Guest:There's someone in the audience plugging my gig next week.
Marc:This is awesome.
Marc:I appreciate your input.
Marc:Thank you for making it awkward.
Marc:That was terrific.
Marc:You actually made it more awkward than the fucking puppet.
Guest:That was actually the most positive heckle I've ever gotten.
Guest:Usually when I get heckled, no one's like, let me plug your gig next week in Austin.
Guest:I want as many people there as possible.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:It's a sweet heckle.
Marc:So wait, so now I saw you on Caroline Singh.
Marc:Is she doing all right?
Marc:Caroline's great.
Guest:When'd you tape that thing?
Guest:July.
Guest:It's been a while, right?
Guest:Yeah, it's been a while.
Guest:You know what's funny is I was just on Showtime.
Guest:I got this movie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I've been, you know, touring a lot and it changes nothing.
Guest:Like last night, I did a show at a bar in the middle of Brooklyn where people were mad because they had to stop playing pool for the comedy to start.
Guest:And they had to move a pool table away.
Guest:Like I always thought when I was growing up, I would see comedians on TV and I was like, oh man, that guy's doing great.
Guest:He's making money.
Guest:He's got a car.
Guest:And it's like, no, I live in a rent-stabilized apartment in the middle of Queens.
Guest:Nothing has changed for me.
Guest:My dreams have literally gone from, like, when I started, I was like, I'm going to be the biggest sitcom star.
Guest:And now I'm like, my dream is to be financially solvent in comedy and not have to take a day job this year.
Guest:That's the only thing you haven't experienced yet.
Guest:You're doing good.
Guest:Yeah, I know those gigs.
Guest:Like, if they like your act, they play the jukebox.
Guest:And if they don't like your act, they make you give them the quarters, right?
Guest:That kind of shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm playing in the wrong places.
Guest:The fucking Jew thinks he's funny now.
Guest:I'm doing all right.
Guest:Well, Liam, I think there's still the outside.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Guest:No, no, no, please.
Guest:I'm dusting up the act.
Guest:You have no idea how excited I was when I saw Otto and George on the lineup.
Guest:Fucking throw that thing in the bathtub.
What did that?
Guest:The robot got a stanky pussy.
Guest:Robot lady.
Guest:I also have a stanky pussy, oddly enough.
Marc:Listen, there's always the outside chance that, you know, you can go the other route.
Marc:There's one other route available to you when you live in New York.
Marc:You can become the infamous character.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like, there's that guy.
Marc:Is he homeless?
Guest:Does he live in this bar where he's performing tonight?
Marc:Now, what happened with this thing we talked about on the phone?
Marc:I don't know how to segue into it other than saying, I hear you're getting in shape.
Marc:And that shape is round.
Guest:No, it's true.
Guest:I was telling you on the phone, I'm like, I've been stressed, and I think we all know that the word stressed backwards is desserts.
Guest:Holy shit, you should host a daytime television show.
Wow.
Guest:Whose is that?
Guest:Is that yours?
Guest:No, that's actually something I saw in my grandmother's refrigerator 10 years ago.
Guest:And you said, yup, what's in the freezer?
Guest:But yeah, I've been just shoving... I mean, basically, I am the fat Marc Maron, if you can see.
Guest:It's true, I've gained a... I'll catch up.
Marc:I just had three slices of pizza, and now I'm gonna have a fucking red velvet Twinkie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's crazy.
Guest:You look great, though.
Guest:I mean, that's the thing.
Guest:It's like, you look awesome.
Guest:Oh, God.
Marc:So... You want one?
Marc:You all right?
Marc:No, we're cool down yet.
Marc:It's so funny, because Otto's a little concerned.
Marc:He's like, why the fuck is Maren just leaving the other guy hanging, eating a fucking Twinkie?
Guest:Is that what you were thinking?
Guest:This guy's got a feature film.
Guest:He just got dunked by a fucking Twinkie.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:So tell me about the... You don't want one of these, right?
Guest:So I heard you're on a new crash diet.
Guest:He doesn't eat during a car accident.
LAUGHTER
Guest:I didn't realize that George and Otto and George was Georgie Jessel.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:That's an old joke.
Guest:Is that puppet going to take that shit?
Guest:I'm going to take that shit off him.
Guest:I think it would have been worse if anyone in the audience got one.
Marc:I remember George Jessel, kind of.
Marc:You remember him, right?
Marc:I think I saw him on Ed Sullivan.
Guest:Was he the guy that did the slide show thing?
Marc:No, Jackie Vernon.
Guest:Jackie Vernon.
Marc:That Jackie Vernon was the greatest.
Marc:George Jessup, he didn't quite stutter, but he had a weird timing.
Guest:I don't think I've ever seen footage of him.
Guest:I never saw Shecky Green.
Guest:I heard he was like a master.
Marc:I called him.
Marc:Really?
Marc:I was going to go out to the desert.
Marc:Shecky Green lives in Palm Springs, and Shecky Green was the guy that my grandmother saw in Vegas when she was younger.
Marc:She would say, you know, he's the best.
Guest:They said that pound for pound he was the greatest player.
Marc:Right, and nobody knows who the fuck he is.
Marc:He was a drunk, depressive.
Marc:He was supposedly like a master improviser, but he always had manic depressive problems and drinking problems, and he pissed off Frank Sinatra, who beat his ass or whatever.
Marc:So I email, I go to a website, because JackieGreen.com, and I email this contact.
Marc:It looked like the website hadn't been touched in years.
Marc:And I said, fuck it.
Marc:Hi, my name's Marc Maron.
Marc:I do a podcast.
Marc:That's like a radio show.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Marc:I'm wondering if Shecky would be interested.
Marc:I'll drive out and I'll do it.
Marc:And like within three or four days, I get an email back from somebody else that says, Shecky is interested.
Marc:This is his phone number.
Marc:Don't give it to anyone.
Marc:Like there's people going, holy fuck, you have Shecky Green's phone number?
Guest:Did you open a White Pages?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, my God, Mark, you know how to use Google.
Marc:They delivered a Yellow Pages to my LZ the other day.
Marc:I didn't know what to do with it.
Marc:Literally.
Guest:That should be a great shot.
Guest:I'd love to hear that.
Marc:No, I think I'll go out.
Marc:I ended up doing Paul Krasner instead.
Marc:But, you know, because he's another old Jew, but from a completely different point of view.
Marc:But I'll do Shecky.
Marc:And I had Jonathan Winters on the phone the other day, and I might do that too.
Marc:That's amazing.
Marc:His fucking clarity, dude.
Marc:Like, he's 85 years old.
Marc:My friend Dan Pasternak put him on the phone, and he literally was doing a bit.
Marc:And then I call him back.
Marc:I was on the phone with him for 15 minutes.
Marc:Hysterical.
Guest:Literally.
Guest:He was doing a bit?
Guest:Are you sure that wasn't like senile dementia?
Guest:Like, he just...
Guest:Well, with him, who cares?
Marc:It's going to be, yeah, funny.
Marc:I mean, it was unbelievable.
Marc:I couldn't stop laughing to the point where I felt like I was interrupting the show when I said, look, I got to go.
Marc:You know, I thought, yeah, yeah.
Marc:But I'll try to go up there.
Marc:He's in Santa Barbara.
Marc:Anyways, so you're fat.
Guest:That's a nice way of putting it, yes.
Guest:No, no, that's where we were going, right?
Guest:Yeah, so I was telling you on the phone that this weekend a friend of mine talked me into going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting in my neighborhood.
Guest:What was that like?
Guest:Well, first of all, it was in this medical complex.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I had to go to the receptionist and say, like, excuse me, what room... This is like something that fills me with huge shame.
Guest:I'm like, what room is the room for people who can't stop eating?
Guest:Right.
Guest:for the disgusting fat people who can't stop shoving food in their face.
Guest:You said that?
Guest:No, that was the subtext, though.
Guest:That was my tone of voice.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I'm familiar with meetings of different kinds.
Guest:But you went.
Guest:I went.
Guest:I actually walked into a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, which was just... Those are fun.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Because everyone... It was so intense.
Guest:Everyone looked at me as I stood in the doorway.
Guest:I was like... And they went down the hall.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
Guest:If you're one of us, you're not hitting bottom yet, dude.
Guest:You would be a lot thinner from either not eating or diseased down the hall.
Guest:Yeah, so it was like... I went in, and it was in this tiny office, and there were literally five other people crammed into this tiny office.
Guest:And I mean crammed.
Guest:It was an OA meeting.
Guest:And thank you, everybody.
Marc:They only meet in those size rooms to get the message across.
Guest:I don't know how much I'm allowed to say, but the first woman who spoke was on a scooter.
Guest:And her whole story was about... You're not allowed to say that.
Guest:I gave too much away, man.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:No, you're painting a picture.
Marc:You're not busting anyone's anonymity.
Marc:This was your experience.
Guest:She was like this very thin woman who was on a scooter.
Guest:No.
Guest:She was talking about she had an accident, and she stopped eating, and then she wanted to eat, but now her body's allergic to food, and her body's shutting down, and all her legs are broken, and blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And I'm just sitting there like, I have to go next.
Guest:And my thing is, I can't stop eating because my movie's doing too good.
Yeah.
Guest:And I don't know how to handle being successful.
Guest:I can give you some pointers.
Marc:Instead of eat, I mix it up.
Marc:I eat a bit compulsively, then I try to alienate the audience, but apologize in the middle of it.
Marc:You can also yell at the people in your life.
Marc:That burns off a little steam.
Marc:Nicotine patches is good.
Marc:That's what's kept me obscure for 15 years.
Marc:Keep going.
Marc:It's always good to call your manager and go,
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Why the fuck am I... How am I going to get to that place?
Guest:Well, I like to avoid that by making sure if any manager is interested in me by alienating them just right off the bat.
Guest:All right, so it seems like you're good.
Guest:You're good.
Guest:Sorry for all the shop talk, you guys, but when comedians get together, this is what we do.
Marc:I'm very happy that your movie is doing well, and I wish you all the success in the world because you've been nothing but a nice guy to me, and you're very funny, and thank you for coming on the show.
Guest:Well, thank you, Mark.
Marc:William McEnany.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Do I move down?
Marc:This next guy is from my old home borough, Astoria, Queens.
Marc:He's legendary in Astoria, Queens.
Marc:I hear that everyone knows him at the gym.
Marc:You've seen him on Comedy Central.
Marc:He's very funny.
Marc:Please welcome Ted Alexandro to the stage.
Marc:Yeah, Teddy!
Marc:Hi, Ted.
Marc:Yeah, sit here next to... I guess Liam went there.
Marc:Yeah, we'll keep Otto and George in that seat.
Marc:You know Otto and George.
Guest:I do.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Did you guys work together?
Guest:We brushed up against each other a million times in New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:When I was starting out a lot at Governors and stuff like that, I was...
Marc:Governor is the best sound system in the world there.
Marc:And do they still smoke there?
Guest:No.
Marc:I haven't worked there in so long.
Marc:And I just remember you'd work at Governor's and literally you'd be like, holy fuck.
Marc:Like the audience looked like the human manifestation of cancer.
Marc:You felt like you actually felt like you were in a lung, a cancerous lung.
Marc:Am I right or am I wrong?
Guest:the old days when a saloon smelled like a saloon yeah yeah and the sound system was always so fucking good like it is here anyways how are you i'm good thanks yeah now are you all right i'm i'm fine why do you say that with some concern well how's the story you're doing the story's great man yeah yeah i always defended it i love it well i think you were like in a lot of uh ways in your life you were you were the pioneer
Marc:In Astoria.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I held that apartment for 15 fucking years.
Marc:Before it was good, right?
Marc:Yeah, before the bed bug invasion.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Before it was, yeah, I had them.
Marc:I had them.
Marc:No, I don't live here anymore.
Marc:I don't have them now.
Marc:Isn't it interesting, the response of New Yorkers?
Marc:You're all in denial, because I know at least 40 people in here have had the fucking bed bugs.
Marc:Yet no one wants to admit it, because that means their home has AIDS.
Yeah.
Marc:They're just fucking bugs, but if you say it, people are like, holy shit, get away from me.
Marc:I can't go to your house.
Marc:Don't tell Leo Allen I had him.
Marc:No.
Marc:Because he lives there now.
Marc:None of you either.
Marc:They're gone now.
Marc:Jesus, I can't believe that was what I was hiding.
Marc:All right.
Guest:I've actually run into Leo a couple of times.
Guest:Was he scratching?
Guest:He was not scratching, but he had a little bit of trepidation about, now I'm living in Astoria.
Guest:It's great.
Guest:I assured him, yeah, it's fine.
Guest:You can have your own butcher.
Guest:Yep.
Guest:You can have a fish guy.
Guest:It's one subway stop from New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it's right there.
Marc:Well, it's five, but it's close.
Marc:But people forget what it's like.
Marc:I used to go to that place, the meat place, on days where they didn't have whole lambs hanging in.
Marc:You meet there, you have a relationship with everybody.
Marc:It's like real fucking borough living.
Marc:I love it.
Guest:Yeah, and it's big enough that you called it the meat place, and I don't even know where it is.
Guest:So it's not one... International House of Meat.
Guest:Right.
Marc:The International Meat guys.
Guest:Yeah, the Meat guys.
Marc:They taught Daniel Day-Lewis how to cut meat for the Scorsese movie, The Gangs in New York.
Marc:Is that true?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They got a picture of him with a knife there.
Marc:That's their big claim to fame.
Guest:That guy was here.
Guest:I'll festoon my bedroom chamber with your guts.
Guest:Yeah, that was good enough.
Marc:Yeah, they say that all the time.
Marc:They say that all the time at the meat place.
Marc:I think he stole it from them.
Marc:Are you Greek, Ted?
Marc:I'm not Greek.
Guest:I kill you.
Guest:I kill you, my friend.
Guest:What are you?
Guest:On my father's side, I'm Italian.
Guest:My mom's a mix of German, French, Irish.
Guest:They were both born in New York.
Marc:So we were talking on the phone, which I do with these guys sometimes.
Marc:I talk to them on the phone.
Marc:And, like, I've been having some trouble with women, and I know you're not having trouble with women, but we don't meet women like normal people do.
Marc:Do you find that?
Marc:Like, I've never dated in my life.
Marc:I mean, usually it's sort of like, hey, oh, you thought I was funny?
Marc:What's going on?
Marc:That's how I met my second wife, which didn't end well, and how I meet other people.
Marc:And you said you had some sort of encounter?
Marc:What happened?
Guest:I did.
Guest:Recently, I did a show in Brooklyn, and afterwards, this 20-something girl started chatting me up after the show, and it turns out she lived in Queens.
Guest:I had driven...
Guest:So I offered her a ride back to Queens very innocently.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Really?
Marc:In all honesty?
Marc:Not even for one second you said, oh, I'm fucking in.
Marc:Never?
Marc:Not even for a second.
Marc:Are you a comic?
Guest:I should say it was a Tuesday night.
Marc:Oh, okay, Tuesday.
Marc:Yeah, you don't want to get involved with the Tuesday night.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Ask him how many guys he's given a ride home to.
Guest:How many?
Guest:No, that was mean.
Guest:No, actually I have.
Guest:Really?
Guest:From the audience?
Guest:Not from the audience.
Guest:Well, they don't usually come chatting me up, you know?
Guest:All right, so what happens?
Guest:So what happens is we're driving, and she says, you know, I have beer and Coke back at my place.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:like cocaine coke well see that's how unhip i am my first thought was like well okay pretend that you didn't think that was coca-cola just play it cool and act like you knew that that was cocaine
Guest:And how'd that go?
Guest:Did you sell it?
Guest:Like, what'd you say?
Guest:Well, I said, no, thank you, which I thought was a very polite way to say, like, usually I would imagine, like, I don't do drugs, so I don't know how to say no to them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, you know, you'd be like, nah, dog.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Or like, what, I don't know.
Guest:nah i'm i'm cool i don't know how you say no to drugs they tell you say no to drugs but they don't tell you how to say no to drugs and that's the problem here's how i used to do it i used to say like like how much coke are you talking
Marc:No, I mean, I don't really... Yeah, one line will just piss you off, right?
Marc:Yeah, no, yeah, I mean, I haven't done it in years, but one line was useless.
Marc:Anyways, go ahead.
Guest:So then, a little further along, she says, you know, I bought way more Coke than I need.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:So I'm thinking, like, does Coke go bad?
Guest:Like, can't you just... There's not, like, a snort-by date...
Guest:Best used by June 2011.
Guest:I don't do drugs, and even I know that Coke does... You can hold on to it for a while.
Marc:No, they should actually sell it in packages and say, try to hold on to some for tomorrow morning.
Marc:Right, right.
Guest:It's the opposite.
Guest:See how long this last fuckhead.
Guest:So I'm wondering, like, first of all, I'm like, well, you know, I'm sorry you bought more than you need, but why do I have to compensate for your shitty purchasing skills?
Guest:Like...
Guest:I go, I'm sorry.
Guest:How can I help?
Guest:You know?
Guest:Do you want me to take some and give it to a friend of mine that could use it?
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:So, you know, also in my mind, I'm thinking, it was such a surreal experience of age, too, because I'm 42.
Guest:So, like, you know, when you're in your 20s, you can treat any day of the week like a weekend.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:You know, once you get into your 30s, that whittles down to, like, maybe Thursday to Sunday.
Right.
Guest:By the time you're in your 40s, you pick Friday or Saturday.
Guest:Just one.
Guest:And it better not end too late.
Guest:Or get too crazy.
Guest:So it was like the whole ride was really like just this weird feeling.
Guest:So then a little further along, she says to me, why aren't you trying to sleep with me?
Guest:And it was a beautiful kind of realization of she's right.
Guest:I'm not trying to sleep with her.
Guest:Nor should I be.
Guest:She just offered me beer and coke and... What'd she look like?
Guest:I mean, give us an idea of a... That's a good question.
Guest:She was what?
Guest:That's a good... No, that's a good question.
Marc:I don't need an image, Ted.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She was not unattractive.
Guest:She was an attractive enough girl that, like, let's just say in years past, I would have tried to fuck her probably.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But at this point in my life, and again, this is why it was such an interesting experience for me, even as I was going through it.
Guest:realizing that I didn't want to fuck her, and also that she was perplexed by that, like baffled, like a 20-something girl would be by somebody not wanting to fuck her.
Guest:She was probably thinking, this guy's got game.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Guest:She was waiting for me to, like, when are you going to bring this around from pretending to not want to fuck me to fucking me?
Guest:You know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I dropped her off.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was like, it was honestly like a beautiful feeling like of adulthood washing over me.
Guest:Huh.
Guest:You know, it really was like, you know, because when you're younger, you think of adulthood as like maybe a relationship, a child, a career.
Guest:Blue balls.
Guest:But...
Guest:But sometimes adulthood can be saying no to sex and cocaine on a Tuesday night.
Guest:Very well said.
Guest:Well put.
Marc:I can understand saying no to cocaine.
Guest:Well, you know what it is, too, Mark?
Guest:Tell me if you've experienced this or not.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:At this stage, I like having sex.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I also like not having sex.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, I've had plenty of great nights where I didn't have sex.
Marc:You know, and also... Have you had any good nights where you didn't jerk off, though?
Marc:A few.
Marc:Yeah, okay, see?
Marc:So I think that sort of counts, though.
Marc:So you've only had one or two good nights ever.
But...
Guest:But also, like, there are things now to keep me from having sex that I never imagined would be things to keep me from having sex.
Guest:Like what?
Guest:Like things that pop into my head, almost like an old man of like, oh, you know what?
Guest:I still have that leftover pasta in my fridge.
Guest:Tonight was going to be that night.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:Yeah, I definitely identify with that.
Marc:That's where I'm at.
Marc:Ted Alexandro, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Great.
Marc:Let's move down, Wonder.
Marc:Move around to Otto.
Marc:You can stay, Otto.
Marc:Ooh.
Marc:Yeah, well, that was only a matter of time.
Marc:It's just a router.
Marc:This next guy is one of my favorite people in the world.
Marc:We don't get to see each other as much as we used to, and he's one of the funniest people alive.
Marc:Please welcome Todd Berry to this day.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Oh, Todd.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Were you back there going, when the fuck am I gonna, what?
Guest:I was, I wish I could have been out in the crowd when the robot woman said she had a boyfriend.
Guest:Why?
Guest:We all felt that backstage.
Guest:You reacted to it, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I reacted out loud to it.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It was muffled through the curtains.
Guest:It was?
Yeah.
Marc:But we all felt it.
Marc:A guy can dream, can he?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I just thought, I had this fantasy of me and her sitting around, you know, saying things like, oh, look what you made it do.
Guest:You know, and, uh... Maybe you could go through your notebook and say, this wouldn't work for me, but maybe for a robot.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And that would quickly digress to like, it's all about the fucking robot, huh?
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:That'd be like three months in.
Guest:Three months.
Guest:I get a robot.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:It's off, Heather.
Guest:Is she still here, even?
Guest:Yeah, she is here.
Guest:Yeah, she is.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:Look at this bunch of... Oh, shit.
Guest:She's coming over here, dude.
Guest:Jump on board.
Guest:Hey, let's welcome back Heather, everybody.
Guest:There she is.
Guest:Hey.
Guest:Hey, guys.
Guest:Where's that nine-volt cock tease?
Guest:I don't know, but he doesn't have a hand up his butt.
Guest:Whoa.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Let's call that one a tie.
Okay.
Marc:So, Todd.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Are we going to discuss it?
Marc:Like, I read one of my fucking emails.
Marc:Yeah, I have a few.
Marc:And I didn't even get to the meat of it, where I really attacked the guy.
Marc:But you get these two?
Guest:Yeah, I got one like that, but I also got one from a... I have two that I could read.
Guest:You found the other one?
Guest:No, I didn't find that one, but I found one from a... Oh, Rastafarian.
LAUGHTER
Marc:A guy identified himself as a Rastafari?
Guest:I'll do this.
Guest:I'll read this one.
Guest:I mean, unless the people don't want me to read it.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:I can't believe I did that.
Guest:I used to do a joke in my act way back about how I hate potheads.
Guest:Something like pot should be legalized, but I still think potheads should be thrown in prison.
Guest:it's a joke it's not an album i put out in 2004 and then like january 2011 i get an email i must read it okay quote from you paraphrased oh wait i should the subject the subject is todd allow me to educate your ignorant ass
Guest:By all means.
Guest:Quote from you paraphrased, white people with dreadlocks should be thrown in prison, then given the death penalty.
Guest:Close enough.
Guest:So you're against freedom of religion, then?
Guest:Of course I am.
Guest:Everyone knows that about me.
Guest:It's right there on my poster.
Okay.
Guest:These guys aren't done laughing at that.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Dreadlocks are worn as a symbol of defiance of Babylon in Rastafarian culture.
Guest:Now, through your narrow ignorant frame of mind, I can see how maybe you would associate instantly white kids plus dreads equals lazy stoner.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Not helping things with this email.
Guest:However, you didn't just attack them.
Guest:You attacked every white person belonging to the Rastafarian belief system.
Guest:Sorry, seven of you.
Guest:And not that you probably care, you got knocked off my favorite comedian's list.
Guest:No, you got knocked down about 40 places in my top comedian's list.
Guest:You're now below Carrot Top.
Guest:And I hope that makes you feel wonderful, you sack of shit.
Guest:God bless.
Guest:But you know this guy's the real deal because his name is Bill Rogers.
Marc:Why the fuck was Carrot Top even on his list?
Marc:Who gives a shit what that guy has to say?
Guest:But that's such a, like, people always, they think that that hurts you.
Guest:It's like, why?
Guest:I don't care if you like Carrot Top.
Guest:I started with Carrot Top, by the way.
Marc:In Florida?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, it's not about liking him, but would he make the list?
Marc:I mean, it's a big list.
Marc:Right?
Guest:The one that I was knocked 40 places off?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I should have wrote to this guy and said, I just want to see the list.
Yeah.
Guest:You can be offended by the joke.
Guest:I need to see that list.
Guest:How did you decide how many places to knock me down based on my seven-year-old joke?
Marc:Based on the fact it took him seven years to respond to the joke?
Marc:The list has probably been under construction for at least ten.
Marc:Should I find this other one?
Marc:What, the one that you looked for for 20 minutes before we got on?
Marc:No, there's another one.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:But keep talking to me while I find it.
Guest:So, all right, where have you been lately?
Guest:Oh, this is funny.
Guest:I was in San Francisco at the sketch fest.
Marc:Yeah, the sketch fest that takes six months.
Marc:It's a six-month-long sketch fest.
Marc:It is a long, it's a long, it's quite a festival.
Guest:Yeah, and they sell out shows.
Guest:And the weird thing, it's just one sketch the whole thing.
Guest:that everyone's a part of and they don't know they're a part of it.
Guest:But I did this, me and Eugene, we stopped by this show.
Guest:You was here earlier?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I know that.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I met him, down-earth dude.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But at the last minute, we went to the sketch.
Guest:We were on like a 10 o'clock show and there was an 8 o'clock show that was characters.
Guest:And the woman running the show goes, you know...
Guest:we have some room on the show if you guys just want to wing something.
Guest:Eugene and I ended up winging something for the character show, and it went well.
Guest:Then me and, you know, Brett Gelman?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We're standing outside as people were leaving, and this guy comes up to us and goes, I'm sorry, that sucked.
Guest:I love you guys, but that sucked.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:That wasn't a good story.
Guest:That was it.
Guest:That was a classic you-had-to-be-there story.
Marc:It's really weird when they think they're helping you out by being honest somehow.
Marc:Let me read you this one.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:This is Chicago Theater at the Congress Theater last night.
Guest:Last night you were there?
Guest:No, this is a few months ago.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But this one has legs.
Guest:This will last for a long time.
Guest:Is it a closer?
Guest:This is going to fucking send this podcast home.
Guest:You might have to cancel the late show.
Okay.
Guest:For fear that it won't be able to follow this email I'm about to read.
Guest:Which I'm already ready for not to work.
Guest:No, go ahead.
Guest:We're ready.
Guest:Dear Todd, whoever reads Todd's email, ha ha, that's a reference from a great bit from From Heaven, one of my CDs.
Guest:Dude, I caught your act last night, and by caught it, I mean dragged three of my friends and my girlfriend who didn't know anything about you to the show, plus my brother, who I got listening to your stuff, so now he's a fan too.
Guest:In case you remember making fun of a drunkard who was laughing too hard at one of your jokes, that was me up front.
Guest:I was right up front, and not drunk, just really to have to see you live for the first time.
Guest:I've got your three CDs, and I'm listening to each of them so many times I can recite them.
Guest:I find them to be fucking hilarious.
Guest:I even started writing my own material...
Guest:and I'm thinking about trying it out in a local open mic soon, inspired by you.
Guest:Now... This would be, in a screenplay, The Turning Point.
Guest:Now, as I've stated already, I'm a big fan, so I ask you, Todd, what the fuck was up with that show last night?
Guest:I walked out of there making excuses to my group for why your opening acts outshined you and why you didn't seem to be trying up there at all.
Guest:One of my opening acts, Mr. Ted Alexandro, right there.
Guest:Hey, buddy, good job, Ted.
Guest:Good job.
Guest:I had fun, after all.
Guest:But, oh, man, three minutes about celery salt?
Yeah.
Guest:I thought you should have bailed on that about one minute in.
Guest:I think three good minutes about celery salt.
Guest:Especially since it was just off the cuff.
Guest:A callback about the boxes in front of the stage?
Guest:Dude, you're way better than that.
Guest:Were you tired?
Guest:Do you hate Chicago?
Guest:Sure, we don't have subway machines that accept credit cards and give change, but don't take it out on the people who paid to see you perform.
Guest:I did take it out on them.
Guest:I was really angry about the subway cards.
Guest:Where was all the humor I came to admire you for?
Guest:Hey...
Guest:Hey, I'm a Todd Barry fan to the end.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:When would that end be, I hope?
Guest:And I'd come to see you again in a minute.
Guest:Rather, you didn't.
Guest:But I hope the next time you take a nap before the show or call your mom... Oh, shit!
Guest:I know.
Guest:She's not around anymore, so that was a nice thing to say.
Guest:Or do whatever you gotta do because last night's show was a disappointment.
Guest:Here's a list of what I like.
Guest:Now, this is where he gets confused and goes, the subway machine bit, oh, the one you just said you didn't like earlier?
Guest:The reference to the 30-year-old bachelorette party wearing chocolate dick helmets when you're awarded the guy who cleans houses for a room and asks for a job.
Guest:I was also going to give you lists of bits I love that you didn't do, but it's too long.
Guest:All of your CDs are dynamite from beginning to end.
Guest:Keep it coming.
Guest:But to be fairness to the guy, he is qualified to do this because he's an in-facility educator safety lead at Whole Foods.
Marc:Todd Berry, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Otto and George.
Marc:Ted Alexandro.
Marc:Liam McEnany.
Marc:Heather Knight.
Marc:You've been great.
Marc:Kick on that music.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:There it is.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming.
Marc:Right out front, there's t-shirts and stickers and CDs.
Marc:I'll come out there and sign it.
Marc:Thank you for all your lovely gifts.
Marc:You can always bake for me.
Marc:I was being a dick.
Marc:Glad you had a good time.
Marc:Good night.
Let's go.