Episode 15 - Live Taping at UCB Los Angeles
Guest 4:Lock the gates!
Guest 6:Are we doing this?
Guest 6:Really?
Guest 6:Wait for it.
Guest 6:Are we doing this?
Guest 6:Wait for it.
Guest 6:Pow!
Guest 6:What the fuck?
Guest 6:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest 6:What's wrong with me?
Guest 6:It's time for WTF!
Guest 6:What the fuck?
Guest 6:With Mark Maron.
What the fuck?
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Welcome, what the fuckers, to the live taping of the podcast WTF with Marc Maron.
Marc:I've never done this before.
Marc:I'm very excited about it.
Marc:If I could, to start the show, could you all on the count of three say what the fuck for me?
Marc:That would be great.
Marc:One, two, three.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:It's just like the movie Network.
Marc:Perfect.
Marc:I really appreciate you guys being here.
Marc:I've got to do a couple plugs because I've got to do that live.
Marc:Hi, how are you?
Marc:Nice for you to come.
Marc:For those of you listening in your car or on a treadmill, a woman just walked by awkwardly and went to her seat.
Marc:So as you know, my sponsor is justcoffee.coop.
Marc:Put WTF in the window.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:I just shit my pants.
Marc:It's good coffee, folks.
Marc:Please, go do that.
Marc:If you need anything What the Fuck with Marc Maron related, go to WTFPod.
Marc:Now let's get to the situation at hand.
Marc:On the show today, folks, good people.
Marc:I will tell you who they are.
Marc:Jesse Thorne is going to be out here from the Sound of Young America in just a second.
Thank you.
Marc:Dave Anthony, an old cranky comic from my past, will be out here to talk about kids and politics.
Marc:He is the blog master at Stop All Monsters.
Marc:Give Dave a round of applause.
Marc:The very well-dressed Greg Berent will be out here to talk about kids' clothes, music, and what kind of deal we've made with Satan to write that book he wrote.
Marc:And Craig Anton will be out here as well.
Marc:Jim Earl will be here.
Marc:Some of you know Jim Earl from Morning Sedition to bring nothing but love into the room later.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone also going to bring...
Marc:A lot of love into the room.
Marc:I really appreciate you guys coming to the show, especially after yesterday.
Marc:It was so harrowing for all Americans, where we sat at home on the edge of our couches, just waiting anxiously for a six-year-old to plummet out of the air.
Marc:And it just didn't happen.
Marc:And I know it sounds morose or cynical, but there are only two ways that could be a satisfying story.
Marc:Either the kid falls out of the sky, or he lands safely.
Marc:Neither one happened, and I think everyone was just fucking disappointed.
Marc:And then they just had to blame the dad, like, how could you let him hide and dupe everybody in the country?
Marc:There were so many of us waiting for him to die or pop out of that thing, alive and well, but he was just in the attic.
Marc:That's a fucked up story.
Marc:And as the media, we need to know, did you just do this as a prank?
Marc:What kind of fucking prank would that be?
Marc:I mean, if you're going to try to draw attention to yourself, why would you go out of your way to buy a retarded balloon that you have in the back of your house and then tell the media that your kid might be in it?
Marc:To what end?
Marc:Just so the entire country goes, wow, that's a fucked up family and that dad's weird.
Marc:That's a weird dad they have.
Marc:I want to share a little bit of my reviews because, you know, I read a lot of my reviews, and some of you know that I don't take them well if they're negative.
Marc:So in effort to transcend my sense of insecurity and anger when I get them, I think I really got a spectacular one.
Marc:And this was on iTunes.
Marc:It was posted by a guy named Da Beat Mix.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Under the heading loser with one star, which of course just made me go, yes, what do we got here?
Marc:But this one was fairly specific and I thought pretty terrific.
Marc:I just don't get it.
Marc:This guy wants money from you so you can listen to this podcast.
Marc:Of course he can't do that here on iTunes, so he prefer using his website.
Marc:So basically, you go to the website and make a quote-unquote contribution of ten bucks or more.
Marc:That's so Jew.
Marc:No wonder he's wife dump him.
Marc:Dot, dot, dot, lol.
Marc:There's so much out there in podcast land to listen to know this crap about Jew stuff.
Marc:Now I think know this crap about Jew stuff could be my next CD.
Marc:Know this crap, N-O this crap about Jew stuff.
Marc:What is it with people and Jews?
Marc:I mean, what the fuck is that about?
Marc:Why is it always the Jews?
Marc:So let's start the show because let me start the stopwatch so I know how much time we're doing so people who are sitting in the back waiting to do their sketch that involves Mr. Waffle and a hat don't get upset with me.
Marc:We...
Marc:We are broadcasting from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles.
Marc:And we do have a great show.
Marc:Let me make sure there's nothing else I need to touch.
Marc:Oh, a couple of things.
Marc:You can email the show at wtfpod.com.
Marc:You can also... Merch is on the way.
Marc:I've got a guy working on the merch.
Marc:Jim Wirt is working on the merch.
Marc:And I'd like you to go look at Jim Wirt's stuff so you know what to expect.
Marc:Wirt is a marginal character in the world of fucking weirdness.
Marc:And you can go to worldofwork.com to see what he does as a graphic artist.
Marc:You can also go to badtouchgoodtouch.com to see his tasteful t-shirt collections.
Marc:Upcoming guests, I have Al Madrigal, Jack Boulware, John Benjamin, Greg Fitzsimmons.
Marc:I'm going to pester Louis C.K.
Marc:on the phone, so that's all happening in the future.
Marc:But right now, it is my pleasure to bring out the host of The Sound of Young America and also Jordan Jesse Goh and the emperor of MaximumFun.org, Jesse Thorne, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:Jesse Thorne.
Marc:How are you?
Guest 3:I'm good.
Guest 3:We're not doing the waffle hat bit.
Marc:No, that's out.
Marc:I'm glad you took the hat off on the costume before you got out here.
Marc:I know you're probably saying, what kind of mic is this?
Marc:It's not the mic I... Yeah, and then it just pops out.
Marc:See, if I had bought the mics that Jesse told me to buy, we wouldn't have these kind of problems.
Marc:Jesse has mentored me through the podcasting process.
Marc:Jesse, how long have you been doing radio?
Guest 3:I've been doing radio 10 years.
Guest 3:You might have been on the first or second year that I ever did radio.
Marc:radio well that was the funny thing is like i get this email from jesse like what was a few months ago do you want to do my show again and all i remembered about you was that we did an interview you were outside in your underwear in the rain or something so i of course dismiss the email is like i'm not fucking doing that kid's show and then i'm then i'm sitting in my kitchen eating listening to npr new york it's like hi this is jesse thorn in the sound of young america like holy fuck i better email that guy back
Marc:Apparently he's off the street in his underwear and he's got a legit operation going on.
Guest 3:That is true.
Guest 3:I did actually, the first time you were on the show, I was literally standing at the base of the UC Santa Cruz campus in the rain in my underpants.
Marc:And I was on the phone and you kept saying, we're in our underpants in the rain.
Marc:And I kept saying, okay, and who's going to hear this exactly?
Marc:And that was my first experience with you.
Marc:Thousands of people across the city of Santa Cruz.
Marc:That's who heard it.
Marc:I shouldn't have condescended.
Marc:That's the story of my life.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Treat everybody as though they'll be more successful than you eventually.
Marc:That's the rule in show business.
Marc:If you can possibly do that without biting your tongue too much.
Marc:I'm happy you're podcasting now.
Marc:I think it's fantastic.
Marc:I think it is too.
Marc:And sometimes I get a little insecure about it because I'm a comedian.
Marc:I did radio.
Marc:And I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
Marc:Now, like interviewing, for instance.
Marc:Give me a couple tips.
Marc:Am I doing okay right now?
Guest 3:Like, do you prepare?
Guest 3:Well, I mean, often an interview, like with regard to right now, often an interview is about the subject more than the host.
Guest 3:Oh, fuck.
Guest 3:Hold on.
Marc:Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Marc:Subject more than host.
Marc:Let me just jot that down because that's going to change the whole game for me.
Marc:Quite honestly, I don't know if I could do a show like that.
Marc:But I'll try, yes.
Guest 3:It's important not to.
Guest 3:There's lots of easy stuff.
Guest 3:Here's something that I read.
Guest 3:I think it was Scott Simon, the NPR host, said, if you're ever at a loss for a question, and I've stolen this and use it all the time, you can always ask, what did you think it was going to be like, and what did it turn out to be like?
Guest 3:And that's like two stories and a little reflection about what the difference was.
Guest 3:You can use that in literally any situation.
Guest 3:Like, I could ask this lady, like, when you got dressed for the show and you put on those big boots, how did you think they would be received and how did it turn out?
Guest 3:And she would have something to say about that.
Marc:Well, I can tell you right now, there's only one way to receive those boots.
LAUGHTER
Marc:And I'm getting the message loud and clear.
Marc:And I appreciate everything you did in preparation for the show.
Marc:So we solved that one.
Marc:That was an easy one.
Marc:Those boots can only mean one thing.
Marc:But I think that's very helpful.
Marc:Well, they can mean a couple things, but they mean one thing to me.
Marc:And again, that's a note that I have to make.
Marc:Subject more than host.
Marc:So now, as a radio guy, what?
Guest 3:Isn't it amazing that his wife left him?
What?
Marc:You wouldn't by any chance be the beat mix, would you?
Marc:My wife left me because she said I had an anger problem, but in retrospect, she had tonal issues.
Marc:Now...
Marc:But let's talk about your kid.
Marc:Jesse Thorne's a little kid, and he's 11 years old, and he's like, I want to do radio.
Marc:Is that what it was like?
Guest 3:I feel like that's what, when I hear someone, like if I go to a public radio conference, like there's this big conference.
Guest 3:Ooh, that sounds electric.
Guest 3:There's this big conference in Chicago called Third Coast.
Guest 3:It's a lovely, all the people are very sweet.
Guest 3:And they're all making these documentaries with a lot of the sounds of leaves crunching underfoot.
Guest 3:And you know what I'm talking about, right?
Guest 3:Like burbling brooks behind, I'm standing in, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Guest 3:And they all have these, like, amazing passions for radio.
Guest 3:And, like, from my perspective, the great thing about radio is that it's, like, you know, it only costs, like, 500 bucks to buy the shit you need to do it.
Guest 3:Like, that's what's great about radio.
Guest 3:Like, if I want to make a TV show, I got to have, like, a key grip.
Guest 3:Yeah, a camera.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Stuff.
Guest 3:All this stuff.
Guest 3:So, I mean, I like listening to the radio, but there's these people who, like, it's all they care about.
Guest 3:And that's kind of weird to me because...
Guest 3:Frankly, radio's a little archaic.
Guest 3:Like, I'm not against it.
Guest 3:It pays the bills.
Guest 3:I enjoy doing it.
Guest 3:Right.
Guest 3:But it's just kind of, it's sort of like being into like Edison cylinders or something like that.
Guest 3:Like, oh, you haven't heard music till you've heard it on wax.
Marc:But there's something nice about that.
Marc:I find my experience with radio has been that the fans that you get from radio really fucking know you.
Marc:Because you talk, I'm candid, I talk about myself a lot.
Guest 3:Even in an interview context?
Marc:Yes, exactly.
Marc:And people will come out to see the shows, and I can do a stand-up act, but after the show they're like, yeah, the act was fine.
Marc:How are the fucking cats?
Marc:Did you fix that toilet problem you had?
Marc:We were all concerned on the chat board.
Guest 3:The one really amazing thing about radio is it really does go straight into you.
Guest 3:It is really intimate in a way.
Guest 3:There's nothing between you and the person on the other.
Guest 3:I've heard people explain that as being like it's sort of like hearing a telephone call.
Guest 3:Our only understanding of audio-only communication is through the telephone, and you only communicate intimately over the telephone, or your greatest communications on the telephone are intimate.
Guest 3:So there's a sort of presumption that people know you and know all about you and know about you's wife and the whole thing.
Guest 3:You know what I mean?
Guest 3:They do.
Guest 3:They do know me.
Marc:And it's uncomfortable for me because I have no boundaries.
Marc:So when they walk up to me after shows and they know everything about me, I expect that I should know.
Marc:You touch them inappropriately.
Marc:Well, no, I don't.
Marc:But I don't know whether I'm supposed to go eat with them.
Marc:It's unclear to me.
Guest 3:Have you ever had this happen to you?
Guest 3:This is something, and I'm the same way.
Guest 3:My whole thing is about communicating with my audience and Twittering and responding to emails and stuff.
Guest 3:But a lot of times someone will come up to me and talk to me and engage me in conversation without introducing themselves.
Guest 3:And I don't know how to handle that.
Guest 3:I don't know at what point in the conversation it's okay for me to say, yes, I've never met you before.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Like, not that there's anything wrong with engaging me in conversation, but like a hi, I'm Jim.
Guest 3:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 3:It would be great so that... Well, they were just listening to you in the car.
Guest 3:Somebody comes up to me and asks me how my dog is doing.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:And I don't know what their first name is.
Guest 3:But that's... I'm glad you find this entertaining.
Guest 3:The audience is just like, this guy's fucking... This guy won't even talk to his fans.
Marc:Now you know.
Marc:That's the only reason I had Jesse on to push him out of the game.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:I'm ceding control of my empire to you, Mark.
Marc:Oh, thank you.
Marc:I wouldn't know what to do with that.
Marc:I don't know if our fans are the same, but I know that they're people and that they listen to things coming out of speakers.
Guest 3:That's the kind of insights I've come to rely on you for, Mark.
No.
Marc:But like what you were saying before is that, you know, they have this conversation with you, and I just, if people come up to me who know me, I'm more than happy to make myself completely available and talk to them for a while, to the point where they're like, like someone, like my fans, I don't know when I became this guy, but I always, when I was a kid, I thought that I was sort of like, you know, on the edge and fucking, you know, the guy.
Marc:And now I have fans that bring me cookies and baked goods.
Guest 3:You're a celebrity baker.
Marc:You have to come to terms with the fact that you are a celebrity baker now.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I'm a weird guy to a lot of people.
Marc:Like, he's really angry, but he bakes and has cats.
Marc:What's that shit about?
Guest 3:It's magical.
Marc:I'm challenging the archetype of masculinity.
Marc:Baking is... I'm fuck you, cat guy.
Guest 3:Baking is a great time, is a great way to spend some time with yourself while you're doing something with your hands so you don't get too nervous and upset.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:It focuses, and all I know is that at the end of it, I can eat some really good shit and give away the rest.
Guest 3:I like to slow cook meat.
Guest 3:I'll cook some ribs or something.
Guest 3:How many of you knew that about you?
Guest 3:I like a savory treat.
Guest 3:Jesse Thorne's a slow meat cooker.
Guest 3:You know, some people insult Marc Maron's interview style, but he gets the kind of insights that you don't get anywhere else.
Guest 3:I've heard Jesse Thorne be interviewed thousands of times for some reason.
Guest 3:And never has the... Have you ever brought up the smoked meat thing?
Guest 3:I've never brought up the... That's exclusive.
Guest 3:It's exclusive.
Guest 3:That's a headline.
Guest 3:This is some daily news shit.
Marc:If anyone's here from TMZ, get it on there tonight.
Marc:Jesse Thorne smoked meat guy.
Marc:So the other thing I wanted to ask you before we go, well, you're going to stay and we're just going to move people down like they used to do on The Tonight Show when people actually talk to each other, was this blog thing.
Marc:Now, as you know, I don't read my emails and reviews obsessively, but there are some fucking dicks out there.
Marc:And...
Marc:And I'm amazed at how intelligent and focused they are sometimes.
Guest 3:That is amazing.
Guest 3:The other day I invited these guys, super nice, super talented guys from this great podcast called A Yeah Dude on my show.
Guest 3:And it was like, I don't know, like maybe it wasn't our number one show of all time, but I thought it was a decent show and they were fun and funny.
Guest 3:And like a couple days later, because I don't obsessively check my reviews or anything either.
Guest 3:Come on.
Guest 3:I thought, well, I wonder if anyone's talking about the show on their message board.
Guest 3:So I clicked onto their message board.
Guest 3:At this point, Mark, you're looking at 10 pages of thoughtful, incisive paragraphs of text about how untalented I am.
Guest 3:Just the most focused, detailed...
Guest 3:Invective.
Guest 3:And it's one thing because, you know, like you think of the Internet and you think of like you post a video on YouTube, you expect some people are going to call you a faggot.
Guest 3:Like, that's just the reality.
Guest 3:And I can handle that because the fact is I'm kind of a faggot.
Guest 3:And if that bothers them, then they're going to be bothered by me.
Guest 3:Like, I've just come to accept that, right?
Marc:Yes, that you've accepted.
Guest 3:But it's the focus, the intelligence.
Guest 3:You would think that these people were in like a community college writing class and had been assigned a five-paragraph essay.
Guest 3:They're like making citations about how horrible I am.
Guest 3:And it was really bad for me, too, because my co-host, Jordan, who is frankly funnier than I am, they were fine with him.
Guest 3:It was all about how horrible I am.
Guest 3:It was like, it would be like, it's like, you know, literally a thousand words.
Guest 3:He's a faggot.
Guest 3:He doesn't listen to people.
Guest 3:Why is he always talking about power jams?
Guest 3:Which I was to be, I talked a lot about power.
Guest 3:My power jam is, you dropped a bomb on me by the Gap Band.
Guest 3:And, you know, and then at the end of that, you know, 12 paragraphs of Invective, it'd be like, that Jordan guy seems okay.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's a great story, and I don't get faggot.
Marc:I wish I could get faggot.
Marc:I get neurotic, whiny, annoying.
Guest 3:Faggot is nice, because faggot is like... It's clear, hits home.
Guest 3:Certainly it's mean, but I don't have any problem with homosexuality, so it's sort of like them saying, oh, he seems like he's well-dressed or something like that.
Guest 3:I can accept that.
Guest 3:I can work with that.
Guest 3:But when you're talking about an untalented hack or you're talking about a representative of the global Jewish conspiracy, that's a little bit tougher to defend against.
Marc:Yeah, and I'm amazed that some of them are so smart.
Marc:They're very lyrical.
Marc:They can write well.
Marc:There's a melodic
Marc:quality and i gotta thank one of them actually i uh i was missed i found myself on an opian anthony on an ona thread because i had appeared on their show you know yelling about my ex-wife and they were all sort of like this guy why doesn't he just shut the fuck up i mean enough with the ex-wife already get over it blah blah blah and then one of them says this had to be an ona fan and they linked me to apparently one of these these guys who you know we like to hate or uh don't like
Marc:posting about us, had gone to my ex's fiance's Wikipedia page and added as part of his Wikipedia entry and is now poorly fucking Marc Maron's ex-wife.
Marc:And...
Marc:And I didn't know about it, and I was like, you know, these guys aren't all bad.
Marc:You know, they're not all bad.
Marc:Sometimes they'll show up for you in a pinch.
Guest 3:It's like having that one friend that fights too much.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Sometimes they're useful.
Marc:Sometimes they're glad he's around.
Marc:All right, Jesse Thorne, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:You can leave it out.
Marc:Oh, you know, why don't you, let's talk real quick about the event so you can sell some tickets.
Guest 3:Mark is, kindly enough, agreed to appear.
Guest 3:I put on this thing called MaxFunCon, which is like, it's sort of like a halfway between like a comedy festival and like a Wayman Tisdale smooth jazz cruise.
Guest 3:It's like this weekend in Lake Arrowhead, which is in the mountains here in Southern California.
Guest 3:And it's basically just like all these really sweet people getting together and having a great time.
Guest 3:And there's comedy shows and stuff like that.
Guest 3:So Mark agreed to be there.
Guest 3:Jimmy Pardo's going to be there.
Guest 3:Maria Bamford.
Guest 3:Al Madrigal, who's coming up on your show.
Guest 3:Oh, I love Al Madrigal.
Guest 3:Who doesn't love Al Madrigal?
Guest 3:Am I right?
Guest 3:What a sweet man.
Guest 3:King of the good guys.
Guest 3:I'm a little gay for Al Madrigal.
Guest 3:I'll be honest.
Guest 3:I would totally.
Guest 3:Oh, absolutely.
Marc:I like his wife, too, though, so maybe we can do it.
Marc:Never mind.
Marc:What were you saying?
Guest 3:Anyway, sorry.
Guest 3:Wee's getting off topic.
Guest 3:Yeah, so all this different sketch shows, but also a lot of different kinds of creativity classes and stuff like that.
Marc:Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Marc:Classes?
Marc:Back up, mister.
Guest 3:Yeah, there's seminars and stuff.
Guest 3:Do I have to do any of those?
Guest 3:You can do whatever you want.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So I can just go to them?
Marc:I don't have to teach one?
Marc:No.
Guest 3:If you want to teach one, you can.
Marc:Well, okay.
Guest 3:Worrying?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Creative worrying?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:How to make panic into money?
Guest 3:Controlling the world's banks?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So, MaximumFun.org is where they go?
Guest 3:Yeah, MaximumFun.org or MaxFunCon.com is the event.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, then let's do that.
Marc:Now, let's bring out this next guy.
Marc:I'm very excited he's here because I haven't seen him in a while.
Marc:I don't talk to him much.
Marc:But he was truly one of my favorite people back when we started doing comedy together because I'd never met someone so beautifully cranky in my life.
Marc:And now he's also the proprietor, is that what you call it, of stopallmonsters.blogspot.com.
Marc:And he's taking on the world of politics and now taking on the world of a newborn baby in the house.
Marc:Please welcome Dave Anthony to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:You're exuding the love and charisma that I always appreciate about you.
Guest 8:Thank you.
Guest 8:I am a bundle of energy and happiness.
Marc:Yeah, I can feel that, and I think everyone here can as soon as they figure out what just fucking went wrong in the room.
Guest 9:I am...
Marc:I'm kidding, Dave.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Guest 8:It's a good interview so far, don't you think?
Marc:I think he's doing amazing work.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Next Terry Gross.
Marc:More than Moe.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Thanks, Larry King.
Guest 8:Quickly insult, then go to the questions.
Marc:I think that in the radio game, you call that disarming for the good stuff.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I threw you off guard a little bit.
Marc:I knew you could handle it, but it might come back to me later.
Guest 3:Sort of like Larry King asking a nonsense question at the beginning.
Guest 3:Yes.
Guest 3:Would you be the balloon boy?
Marc:I say we run with that.
Marc:Dave, you would be the balloon boy?
Marc:Were you envious of the possibility of drifting over the country in a balloon?
Guest 8:Well, I'm sad about the balloon boy because I think the balloon boy was put up to it by his father.
Guest 8:You do?
Guest 8:Oh, fuck yeah.
Guest 8:His dad is a reality television whore.
Guest 8:He's one of these guys who's addicted to being on television, wants to be a star.
Guest 8:He's been on television.
Guest 8:But for being a bad father with a ridiculous balloon toy?
Guest 8:No, he didn't think that shit was going to break.
Guest 8:Oh.
Guest 8:The kid just let it out in an interview.
Guest 8:I saw that with Wolf Blitzer.
Guest 8:He's like, Dad, he said, did not go out.
Guest 8:Yeah, he said, we did this for a show.
Guest 8:Oops.
Guest 8:Oops.
Guest 8:The worst thing you could say on television.
Guest 8:So you really think the father put him up to it?
Guest 8:Yeah, I think the father was like, here's the deal.
Guest 8:We're going to release the balloon.
Guest 8:You're going to hide in the attic.
Guest 8:Everyone's going to think you're in the balloon.
Guest 8:And then we'll be famous.
Guest 8:for being bad parents.
Guest 8:I see.
Marc:I don't understand the angle.
Guest 8:Because everyone's going to think you're dead and then they're going to want to give us a TV show because I make crazy inventions.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So you were thinking he just said you might be in the attic for six months, a year.
Marc:No, no, no.
Guest 8:It was going to be revealed that the kid was hiding.
Guest 8:It wasn't like he was turning him into Anne Frank and tossing him up there.
Guest 8:Okay.
Guest 8:He was gonna be released in a couple hours, but he thought for a while, and he did, it worked.
Guest 8:The whole world was watching.
Marc:I didn't know you had a kid until recently.
Marc:How did that happen?
Guest 8:The usual way.
Guest 8:Years of going to doctors and insemination.
Guest 8:Yeah.
Guest 8:Are you serious?
Guest 8:I paid a lot for this suffering.
Guest 8:Wow.
Guest 8:Yeah.
Marc:My brother went through that too.
Guest 8:Yeah, we had all kinds of... How does that work?
Marc:Is that a lot of masturbating?
Guest 8:It's great.
Guest 8:No, it's great.
Guest 8:The women get this awesome experience with fucking fish tanks and all kinds of nice shit going on.
Guest 8:And then the men...
Guest 8:get pushed out where there's a dumpster in the back and you jerk off in a cup.
Guest 8:And then you fucking hand it to some guy named Louie and he goes, yeah, thanks.
Guest 8:And he looks at it like, no, it's not really a lot.
Guest 8:And you're like, I don't know, that's what I do.
Marc:And he's like, well, good luck.
Marc:So they emasculate you on two levels and they say, that's not real a lot.
Marc:And like, let me see if I can deliver the goods.
Guest 8:Look, we were going to a place in Beverly Hills and the guy should be paid extra.
Guest 8:I mean, the guy should be paid a lot of money to go, nice.
Nice.
Guest 8:This cup is... Woo!
Guest 8:You are a bull.
Guest 8:So you do that for a while, and then we did one round of the take the eggs out.
Guest 8:Oh, yeah?
Guest 8:That was awesome, because they came... Took my wife away in a surgery, came back, and went...
Guest 8:there were no eggs.
Guest 8:And we were like, that's $10,000.
Guest 8:That's a nice thing to hear.
Guest 1:$10,000 for nothing.
Guest 8:I thought you were going to say, it's her fault.
Guest 8:It was.
Guest 8:Oh, but go ahead.
Guest 8:It wasn't my fault.
Guest 8:There was no eggs in there?
Guest 8:Yeah, basically the eggs had already shot.
Guest 8:They had already...
Guest 8:gone on their way.
Guest 8:Well, this is a sad story.
Guest 8:How are you going to pull this out?
Guest 8:Yeah, okay.
Guest 8:So, blah, blah, blah.
Guest 8:We spent thousands of dollars.
Guest 8:The doctor's always trying to get you the most expensive thing to do and blah.
Guest 8:And then she goes to, she goes, I'm going to stop.
Guest 8:It's too stressful.
Guest 8:All the hormones will drive me insane.
Guest 8:And then she gets acupuncture for two months.
Guest 8:Bang, pregnant.
Guest 8:Yeah, an egg happened from needles.
Guest 8:Yeah.
Marc:That's amazing.
Guest 8:Yeah.
Marc:So now do you like this kid?
Guest 8:Yeah.
Guest 8:Yeah, look, I like him.
Guest 8:I love him.
Guest 8:He smiles.
Guest 8:He's fun.
Guest 8:At the same time, he has destroyed my life.
Guest 8:Why?
Guest 8:Because as a guy who's an actor and a writer and a comedian, I've spent my entire life getting to a point where I had complete and total freedom.
Guest 8:Like, that was what I always wanted.
Guest 8:I wanted a job where I could make a decent living and go to a cafe when I wanted and do whatever the fuck I want at any time.
Guest 8:And now that's all.
Guest 8:How do you know how much it would be over?
Guest 8:This little fuck ruins your life.
Guest 8:I feel like I'm going to wake up one night and he's going to be hovering over me just sucking the life force out of me.
Marc:What do you call the kid?
Guest 8:Asshole?
Guest 8:No.
Guest 8:I call him Finnegan because that's his name.
Marc:His name is Finnegan?
Guest 8:Yeah, he's going to be a little drunk Irish guy on a bar.
Marc:You put a lot of pressure on that kid.
Guest 8:That's a name you've got to live up to.
Guest 8:Yeah, he's going to get in a lot of fights, and he's going to drink whiskey, and there's going to be a lot of punching.
Guest 8:Have you started with that already?
Guest 8:How old is he?
Guest 8:He does not drink whiskey yet.
Guest 8:He's six months.
Guest 8:Oh, what are you waiting for?
Guest 8:You know, I don't know if he can handle it.
Guest 8:I don't know if he's got the... He looks like he's going to be angry.
Guest 8:A little angry drunk.
Guest 8:How's he not going to be angry with you as a father?
Guest 8:What are you talking about?
Guest 8:I'm the nicest gent.
Guest 8:No, he's fucked.
Guest 8:He's fucked.
Guest 8:He's going to be angry.
Marc:That's what angry guys always do in a pinch.
Marc:You're like, no, people just don't understand me.
Marc:I'm very sensitive.
Marc:I'm sweet.
Marc:Just not in front of people.
Guest 9:Yeah.
Guest 8:No, I will not deny that I'm angry and I won't, yeah.
Guest 8:No, he's going to have a little bite to him, I guess.
Guest 3:So, Jesse, are you going to have kids?
Guest 3:I think so.
Guest 3:I think so.
Guest 3:I like children.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:That was weird the way you said that.
Guest 3:It seems like I'm...
Guest 8:I got a little bit of a weird vibe, but go ahead.
Guest 8:It was the way you said it.
Guest 8:You know, there's a place you can blog that stuff.
Marc:Oh, what's the website?
Guest 3:Uh, yeahdude.com slash forum.
Guest 3:Oh, there.
Guest 3:I think I would like to have kids.
Guest 3:I have two younger brothers, one of whom is like eight years younger than me and one of whom is like 15 years younger than me.
Guest 3:So I was around and taking care of them when they were babies.
Guest 3:But I wasn't responsible for them, which seems like it's a whole other...
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 3:It is.
Marc:My brother has three kids, three adopted kids, and he just married a woman that has four kids.
Marc:It's like a fucking Jewish day camp over there every day.
Marc:What?
Marc:There's seven kids.
Marc:And I've decided that as lovely of a dad that my brother is, he's addicted to children.
Marc:He's got a problem, and I don't know where it's going to stop.
Marc:Look, I'm taking cats off the street.
Marc:This guy's starting an army of Jewish children.
Marc:And you can't talk to him.
Marc:You can't talk to people with kids.
Marc:Even you today, I'd call you on the phone.
Marc:Yeah, he was fucking eating.
Guest 8:You know, back your shit up.
Guest 8:You and your fucking cats.
Guest 8:Like, oh, I talk to my cat.
Guest 8:He's in the windowsill.
Guest 8:He fucking walks away.
Guest 8:I have to feed the motherfucker and put him to sleep.
Guest 8:And you call.
Guest 8:You're lucky I took your call.
Guest 8:Oh, boy.
Marc:You know?
Marc:The arrogance of people with children is fucking mind-blowing.
Marc:Look, all I know is that they are dangerous.
Marc:I've lost a lot of friends to children.
Marc:But I'm glad you're here.
Guest 8:No, my son, you know, I understand he's a problem doing phone calls.
Guest 8:I warned him before the call.
Guest 8:I said, here's the Jew calling.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest 8:So he knew what was up.
Guest 8:Are you Da Beat Mix?
Guest 8:I'm bringing Da Beat all the time.
Guest 3:Mark, you could get one of those spotlights in a noir film interrogation scene.
Guest 3:For the interviews?
Guest 3:Just pass it around the audience.
Guest 3:Are you Da Beat Mix?
Guest 3:Da Beat Mix has just gotten more press.
Guest 8:I'll be the good cop.
Okay.
Guest 8:Have you ever, you've probably never had the experience, have you ever been walking down Melrose with a baby and a Bjorn and then checked out a girl?
Guest 8:Because that's the lowest point in your life.
Guest 8:When you're like, fucking look at her in that skirt and that, oh, hey, got a little baby drool on me.
Guest 8:Yeah, I'm a fucking creep.
Marc:If I had said yes, I'd had that experience, there would be a lot of questions to answer.
Marc:Dave Anthony, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Let's move it on down.
Marc:Thank you, man.
Marc:So his blog, you got to go.
Marc:We didn't get into politics this show, but he's all over it.
Marc:You're taking vengeance on the world of fucking idiots.
Guest 8:Yeah, I'm trying to make it funny.
Guest 8:I mean, because everyone's just got their serious.
Marc:Oh, I should look at it again then.
Guest 8:Yeah.
Guest 8:Oh, out.
Guest 8:And I'm starting, you're going to love this.
Guest 8:I'm starting a podcast.
Yeah.
Guest 8:What else would I fucking do stuck in my house all day?
Guest 8:Sorry, that comes out.
Guest 8:Yeah, I can't wait to hear that podcast.
Marc:This is Dave Anthony.
Marc:I'm pissed off.
Marc:Shut up, Finnegan.
Marc:I'm working.
Marc:Daddy's working.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's going to be great.
Marc:Are you going to call it Dave and Finnegan?
Marc:What's up?
Marc:It's Dave and Finnegan.
Marc:Then you'd be the perfect fucking wacky morning guy.
Marc:You do your jokes, and the kid's like...
Marc:Because that's what they all do anyways.
Marc:Oh, he hit me.
Marc:He hit me with the crybaby again.
Marc:Let's do some plane calls.
Marc:Give me a little bit of... Attaboy.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:Dave and the crybaby.
Marc:That's going to be a hit.
Marc:It is.
Marc:All right, right now, you know him from many things.
Marc:He wrote She's Just Not That Into You.
Marc:He's a great comic.
Marc:He's a musician.
Marc:And an overly snappy dresser.
Marc:Greg Barrett, ladies and gentlemen.
There he is.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:I'm good, man.
Marc:Grab a mic.
Marc:You're familiar with those.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:God damn your hair.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It's spectacular.
Guest 7:What are you going to do with it?
Marc:I don't know, man.
Marc:It's like I see pictures of you.
Marc:You're like a geometric shape.
Marc:I mean, I've never seen someone so linear and symmetrical.
Guest 7:Do you remember meeting me for the first time?
Guest 7:Because I remember it.
Guest 7:This can't be a good story.
Guest 7:All these stories are always that bad.
Guest 7:We had to sit at the Holy City Zoo, and I was wearing a shirt similar to this.
Guest 7:It was a green and bright yellow madras short-sleeved shirt, rolled for guns.
Guest 7:And you walked up, and you stood in front of me, and you went, oh, you're that guy.
Guest 7:And that's what you said to me.
Guest 7:You're that guy.
Guest 7:And you said, yeah, you're that guy.
Guest 7:And I was like, really?
Guest 7:That's it?
Guest 7:I used to think you were funny.
Guest 7:And that's how most of you know.
Guest 7:And I still do, but I can't talk to you.
Marc:That was then, though.
Marc:That was then.
Guest 7:Oh, my God.
Guest 7:You're that guy.
Oh, my God.
Guest 7:I remember you back then.
Guest 7:What's funny is you're just about as much a clothes fetishist as I am because I've watched you change frames, haircuts, beard shapes, and jackets for years.
Marc:If I just fucking committed to one like Jon Stewart did, I would have been a different ballgame for me.
Marc:That guy was so precise.
Marc:I'm sticking with this and just the bland clothes.
Marc:That's it?
Marc:And that's it for a career.
Marc:You think that's the difference between you and Jon Stewart?
LAUGHTER
Marc:Okay, look.
Marc:John and I are fine, okay?
Marc:I've just not been able to manage my charm as well as him.
Marc:I think that's the primary difference.
Guest 3:It does overwhelm and overpower audiences sometimes, your charm.
Guest 3:Mine or his?
Guest 3:Oh, yours, yours.
Guest 3:Yeah, you have to manage it better.
Guest 3:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:I have to focus it.
Marc:And also, I don't have a repertoire of faces that I need to make.
Marc:I don't do a lot of the... But I'm not...
Marc:I have nothing against John, but, you know, there's a lot of faces involved.
Marc:No, not at all.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:We're all looking down.
Marc:I'm not going to tell the Jon Stewart story because it's just not.
Guest 7:Now it feels like we should hear it.
Guest 7:Doesn't it?
Guest 7:I want to hear it.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So back around the same time that I said, you're that guy.
Marc:Yeah, you're that guy.
Marc:You're that guy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I used to get on stage and, you know, Jon Stewart at that time was doing a lot of shit for MTV.
Marc:He'd host things at the MTV Beach House and that kind of shit.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I, of course, was not, you know, I was maintaining my integrity because no one was offering to buy it.
Guest 7:That's right.
Marc:So I was on stage and he walked in and I was like, oh, there's Jon Stewart.
Marc:You get tired of sucking Satan's dick, that kind of shit.
Marc:And I used to bust him all the fucking time.
Marc:And then I got the job on Short Attention Span Theater in its last incarnation, which he started as a show.
Marc:And he'd always been nice to me about letting me on his shows and stuff.
Marc:So he had the Jon Stewart show at that time and he let me come on to do stand-up.
Marc:And I walked in, and I'm like, so basically you're that guy again, that attitude, whatever the fuck I said.
Marc:And he just looked at me and goes, wait, wait, we'll back up.
Marc:Don't you host short attention span theater?
Marc:And I go, yes, I do.
Marc:He goes, you have no right to talk to me like that anymore.
Wow.
Wow.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Took you down a notch.
Marc:A couple of notches.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:But he had to say that to me several times in several different events before he just fucking wrote me off altogether.
Guest 3:Mark, that's called managing your charm.
Guest 3:Exactly.
Guest 3:You manage it right into your balls.
Marc:I'm working on it.
Marc:I'm paying for it now.
Marc:The humility's coming from being humbled.
Marc:So, Greg, you have kids too, but before we talk about that, I think I wanted to ask you.
Marc:Now, that was back when you did do a lot of muscly things.
Marc:I think I met you at a gym once as well.
Guest 7:I did something called the Zach Wilde plan, which is I would get fucked up and work out.
Yeah.
Guest 7:So I would drink and then lift.
Guest 7:So the puffiness would just get puffier.
Guest 7:So I was a burly, I was a keg filled with sadness.
Guest 7:I was a keg full of sad beefiness.
Guest 7:I had the head of a heifer.
Guest 7:There was a picture I found once.
Guest 7:It's a great picture.
Guest 7:It was at a party here at David Cross's and almost everyone in the picture went on to do something spectacular in show business and
Guest 7:and i look like a cow lost in a field in the middle of it i've got more neck i've got chin just going into neck into shoulder i remember that you were that guy i was just like i was that guy yeah i mean i i'm not saying i didn't deserve you or hey you're that guy but i think i was smiling which i think upset you i was like hey and you're like you're that guy i am half glass full even as an alcoholic
Marc:I have a theory about that that you just validated about most bodybuilders is that, you know, there's just a sad little boy in there and they're really just creating this cocoon of human flesh and muscle to hug them all the time for all the hugs they didn't get.
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Well, I'm glad you're giving that to yourself.
Marc:You look good.
Marc:How long have you got sober now?
Marc:13.
Marc:Congratulations.
Marc:Minutes.
Guest 7:Boom.
Guest 7:Yeah, 13 years.
Marc:That's fucking a great – was that the David Cross house on Los Feliz, that crazy fucking – Yes.
Marc:When you lived there.
Guest 7:No, I lived at that one.
Guest 7:This one was before, and he lived there with – I can't remember, but it was somewhere else.
Guest 7:It was like up the block from where Dave and I lived together when we had Shamul, the landlord.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I remember that place where Dave painted that BMW with all those colors.
Marc:Yeah, that's right.
Guest 7:He painted his car.
Guest 7:I think we all remember that.
Guest 7:He basically said, let's ruin a car.
Guest 7:And then we all got together and painted on a decent automobile.
Marc:Yeah, it's something you do on mushrooms in college to a wall in a dorm, but not to a fucking automobile.
Guest 7:No, exactly.
Guest 7:Yeah, there we go.
Guest 7:Wreck it.
Guest 7:And then you're that guy driving around town all the time.
Guest 7:You're the, hey, let's put douche on the fucking plate.
Guest 7:The douche, and there he is.
Okay.
Guest 7:Oh my God, that guy looks just like Curious George.
Guest 7:And it was Dave Cross.
Guest 7:He does a little bit, doesn't he?
Guest 7:Yeah, I mean, think about it.
Guest 7:No, but let's take a while and think about it.
Guest 8:I think Jesse's upset about a radio violation that happened.
Guest 8:What happened?
Guest 3:You guys aren't bringing the audience into these reminiscences.
Guest 3:Greg did a good job, though.
Guest 3:Greg's a pro.
Guest 3:No offense, Mark.
Guest 3:Wow.
Wow.
Guest 7:Jesse Thorne.
Marc:Fag.
Guest 7:Now you're that guy.
Marc:Now you're that guy.
Marc:I assume a certain amount of intimacy.
Marc:I apologize that I didn't do it NPR style.
Marc:Stages are set.
Marc:Commentary pieces in NPR always revolve around, I remember my grandmother's brownies.
Marc:It's like, oh, this is going to be good.
Guest 3:Where are we going with this?
Guest 3:I have noticed a distinct lack of atmospheric sounds.
Marc:Here?
Marc:Yeah, I think we need more atmospheric sounds.
Marc:Like birds and traffic, stuff I can lay in and post?
Guest 3:Oh, absolutely.
Marc:I can be like a wheezing.
Marc:Yeah, that'd be good.
Guest 9:That'd be good.
Guest 9:Just in the back?
Marc:oh look at this you guys are comics oh shit we got to keep going I just went next door and I bought these comedy records look at this I got George Carlin class clown Wow how important was that in your life look at that beautiful right this one Richard Pryor holy smoke right and this one I have not had a copy of this is Tammy Faye Baker
Marc:In the upper room, it's called.
Marc:Which, ironically, she is.
Marc:Or coincidentally.
Marc:I guess ironically wouldn't be that.
Marc:Because she is dead in the upper room, isn't she?
Guest 8:Is she dead?
Guest 8:No, she's alive.
Marc:Is she dead?
Marc:So she's almost in the upper room.
Marc:She's been very sick for a while, right?
Marc:No, she's dead, I think.
Marc:I think some people still believe she's alive, which is exactly what she wanted.
Guest 8:Right.
Guest 8:If this was Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, I'd be fucking hanging on that one right there.
Guest 8:We need someone with answers.
Marc:So, Greg, I've always wondered, because of the book and because of what you've done with your career and stuff, which is all good, tell me about your audiences.
Marc:I always picture a room two-thirds filled with 50 to 60-year-old women who are very excited to see you and then a couple of hipsters.
Guest 7:Dave and I go on the road together quite a bit.
Guest 7:You named your kid something Irish, right?
Guest 7:Sean Hannity.
Guest 7:Sean Hannity.
Guest 7:Sean Hannity.
Guest 7:Why did you just call him Sean Hannity?
Guest 8:It's so weird because that joke is going to at some point lead him to just beat the shit out of you.
Guest 8:Whiskey rage.
Guest 8:Right.
Guest 8:Where are you going?
Guest 8:I'm going over to Barron's.
Guest 8:That's it.
Guest 8:All right, buddy.
Guest 8:Yeah, get it out.
Guest 8:Time is now.
Guest 8:Don't get it out on Daddy.
Guest 8:I mean, Daddy put it in.
Guest 8:You take it out on Barron.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's how it goes.
Marc:Do you have audiences, though, that they're surprised by your act, I guess is what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Guest 7:Yeah, I mean, there are a handful of people that will walk out.
Guest 7:For what reason?
Guest 7:Just not funny.
Guest 7:I mean, that's just a straight-up fact.
Guest 7:Just not funny.
Guest 7:You are funny.
Guest 7:No, there are women that think that there will be, it's a seminar or a lecture or something, and then they get really upset, and then there's language, and then I don't talk about the book for a very long time on purpose because I like the, you know, we're comics, so you like the, like, do you want something?
Guest 7:I'm not going to fucking give it to you.
Guest 7:Even if it would make you like me more, I'd rather struggle for half an hour until you realize you're not getting it.
Guest 7:Then I'll mention the book
Guest 7:and then Bree's right on I use it as a segue into anal sex so which then they don't like that as much but Dave comes with me I don't know the audience is very but it's a lot of it's a lot of girls it's mostly girls and they're young they're young they're like you know who they are they're the ones who are getting at that age where they're freaked out that they're never gonna find a guy so they're like 35 maybe yeah 33 in there but it's just a room full of ovulation there's a cougar-y thing happening yeah
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 7:But it's also like if you go like in Tempe, like if you went to Tempe, you wouldn't believe like you'd only want to work with me.
Guest 7:You'd go, I won't even I don't want a headline.
Guest 7:Just come with me because the women are outstanding in there.
Guest 7:And it's I won't I don't even I won't stay after to because a lot of times they come and then they want to talk and then there's tears.
Guest 7:So it can't happen.
Guest 7:It can't happen.
Guest 8:It can't happen, yeah.
Guest 8:But that's because I get at him first, and then I push it down to Greg.
Guest 7:I really make him cry.
Guest 7:How did I get touched in the men?
Guest 7:Yeah, they want to know why that man touched them.
Marc:This is quite a pairing, though, you two on the road, because you're a pretty sweet, congenial guy, and then there's Dave.
Guest 7:The thing that's great about Dave is he's a palate cleanser, but right up front, they know, like, oh, it's going to be, like, Dave's a great, like, no, it's stand-up, and it's not going to be cute.
Guest 7:Like, his whole thing is, like, this is not, stand-up's not cute.
Marc:It's like bad man, good man.
Guest 7:Yeah, exactly.
Guest 7:Right.
Guest 7:Dave goes up, and then I'm like, no, men aren't that bad.
Guest 8:This is how it's always been with you, by the way.
Guest 8:When I leave talking to you, I feel like I've been covered in tar.
Guest 8:Now, go ahead.
Marc:Well, I guess I'm that guy.
Marc:Well, I like that it doesn't happen until you leave, because that's how good I am.
Marc:That people walk away, they're like, was I just raped?
Marc:I thought we were having a conversation, but now that I think about it, I've got like maringou all over me.
Guest 8:Yeah, I gotta go do a...
Guest 8:And it doesn't come off.
Guest 8:It's like a week of crying.
Marc:But I do it to you because I love you and we love each other and we've been around a long time and I think you can take it and you've made me laugh a lot.
Marc:We've been in cars together where I've listened to you being bitter.
Guest 8:I feel like I'm talking to my dad right now.
Guest 8:What the fuck is happening?
Guest 8:I do it because I fucking love you.
Guest 8:That's why I do it.
Guest 7:I'm teaching you a lesson.
Guest 7:I'm learning you.
Marc:Let's bring out another daddy.
Marc:Let's do it.
Marc:Our next guest is a great comic and a great friend of mine.
Marc:How old are your kids?
Guest 7:Seven and four.
Marc:And his is newborn.
Marc:Now Craig, I think, is going to just top off the roster.
Marc:I believe that his twin girls are 12 now.
Marc:Craig Anton, come on out, Craigie.
Marc:I thought we were going to take a break.
Marc:No, there's no break.
Guest 2:We're running right through.
Marc:So how old are the girls?
Marc:They're 12 going on 20.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Two of them.
Marc:Now, see, do you have a daughter?
Marc:Two daughters.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So now I just wanted, this is the bridge I want to cross.
Guest 2:I had two at once.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, that's better than me.
Marc:Good for you.
Marc:I've known them since they were babies.
Marc:I knew them when they were still in your wife.
Marc:Yeah, inside.
Marc:And they were frightened of you even then?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They used to let me stay at their house when they had babies, and I was still drinking, and I'd wake up hungover, and there'd just be these two little perfect beings like, and I'd be like, what the fuck is this?
Marc:But they helped me.
Marc:They made me believe in life again.
Guest 2:Yeah, they're good.
Guest 2:They're going to download this and then MySpace it to their friends or whatever.
Guest 2:I don't know the technology.
Marc:But I think what I'm concerned about and what I want you to help Greg with if we can make this more like that kind of show.
Guest 2:Sure, I'd love that.
Marc:Is that you're right at the cusp of like they're about to be, you know, girls.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And are you like paralyzed with fear of men like Dave or me?
Yeah.
Guest 2:No, because already at 12, they've rejected me.
Guest 2:So, I mean, it just happened overnight.
Guest 2:Just one day, and I say, hey, buddy, and they're like, don't touch me anymore.
Guest 2:I mean, not really, but it seems like there's a curve, there's a turn going on.
Guest 2:See, that's why I could never be a parent, because if that happened to me, I'd be like, well, fuck you two, too.
Marc:I don't need this bullshit.
Marc:This is my fucking house.
Marc:You're going to treat me like I'm an asshole?
Marc:Why are you crying now?
Marc:Why are we crying?
Marc:I get that.
Marc:I get that.
Guest 7:I get that.
Guest 8:That's good.
Guest 7:That's good parenting.
Guest 7:That's good.
Guest 8:You know what?
Guest 8:That would be good parenting.
Guest 8:We have a sitcom here, Narcissist Dad.
Guest 8:I love it.
Guest 8:Love it.
Guest 8:You don't get to have your own feelings or opinions.
No.
Marc:So, Craig.
Guest 2:But is that weird?
Guest 2:Yeah, it is weird, but it's also, I think it's just their mind is growing, and women's minds grow four times as fast as men's.
Guest 2:Women are superior.
Guest 2:Yeah, write that down.
Guest 2:They've just evolved into smarter people.
Guest 2:I don't want to say it's a girl-boy thing, but as young people, they are smarter.
Guest 2:They've figured out how to negotiate the box, and they're way ahead of me, and it's frightening, and it's over.
Guest 7:I'm going to go ahead and ask.
Guest 7:The box?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I didn't want to go there, but you went ahead and went there?
Guest 2:What box is that?
Guest 2:Which box are we talking about?
Guest 2:It's a Chinese box.
Guest 2:Okay.
Guest 2:That you keep them in, right?
Guest 2:I think the dudes that wrote The Matrix built it.
Guest 2:Or some Japanese anime wizard.
Guest 2:Anyway, it's very complicated.
Guest 2:There is no combination.
Guest 2:The combination is always changing.
Marc:Here's the other question I want to ask Craig and Greg, and myself, but I don't think I went as far along with it as you guys did.
Marc:Now, you guys, I think the dream originally was music, wasn't it, fellas?
Marc:Yeah, for sure.
Marc:And you both still play in bands, and you're both working comics.
Marc:And now, is that just for fun, or...?
Guest 7:Well, I think it has to be, because who wants to see us?
Guest 1:Do you know what I mean?
Guest 7:It's not a choice I've made, but America itself has said, and I play in a surf rock band, so who gives a shit?
Guest 7:Here's something fun to do.
Guest 7:Go YouTube Surf Rock Festival, and then you'll see some dudes in Hawaiian shirts, not us, we have outfits with fascist armbands, but you'll see three guys in... They're a serious surf rock band.
Guest 3:We're a serious band.
Guest 7:It'll say surf festival.
Guest 7:It'll be three guys on stage playing surf music, and then one soul will walk in front of the camera, and you'll realize that they're in an empty fucking club.
Guest 7:That's how many people go to a surf festival.
Guest 7:Nobody cares.
Guest 7:So I pick that genre so that it's already losing at the beginning, so I don't have to have my feelings hurt.
Marc:Well, that's interesting, because Craig picked it equally as an esoteric genre.
Marc:What would you call yours?
Marc:Is it shockabilly?
Guest 2:Yeah, I call it scarabilly.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:We wear masks and we play dirty 60s garage rock.
Guest 2:So you guys should do a double bill?
Guest 7:We have.
Guest 2:Oh, okay.
Guest 2:We have played together.
Guest 2:We're going on tour as soon as he can foot the bill.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Now the band names tell us?
Guest 7:I'm in a band called The Raining Monarchs, which is available online.
Guest 7:TheRainingMonarchs.com.
Guest 7:You can download the record for free.
Guest 2:We've got to get a website.
Guest 2:We're not even that organized.
Guest 2:We usually pull people out of the audience to play with us because not everybody shows up all the time.
Guest 7:Craig's good, though.
Guest 7:Their show is spectacular.
Guest 7:Craig comes out.
Guest 7:I mean, you don't know that it's Craig if you don't know him because he wears the mask of the skeleton.
Guest 2:Even if you do know me, you still see it and you can't believe that I'm in there.
Guest 2:It's frightening.
Guest 2:It is.
Guest 2:It's good, though.
Guest 2:It's called the Tulsa Skull Swingers.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 2:Oh, that's a great name.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:See, I've kept my music at home.
Marc:I just play at home.
Marc:But do you want to play?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I do, yeah.
Guest 7:See, I would be really, I would feel like.
Guest 7:I play a lot.
Guest 7:But do you want to play live or has that never been a thing for you?
Guest 7:Some people don't.
Guest 7:I sweat a lot.
Marc:when i play guitar like within minutes of picking up guitar i'm drenched like i've been in a sauna and there's no way to look cool like if you sweat like an hour in people are like god he's working but literally two minutes into playing guitar publicly i'm drenched in sweat and people are like that's sad what's wrong must be panicking yeah for a change yeah i like i'm picturing that and it's really really horrible as the longer i think about it it's more and more horrible of you covered in sweat with a guitar
Guest 7:Oh, Dave Anthony.
Guest 7:Oh, Dave, it is so Finny.
Guest 7:Have you seen Finny and Dave?
Guest 7:Oh, it's good to see them.
Guest 7:Welcome back to Finney and Dave.
Guest 7:Well, the Democrats are at it again, aren't they?
Guest 7:Oh, they sure are.
Guest 7:But the GOPs right behind are looking good.
Guest 7:Fuck you, public option.
Guest 7:All right.
Marc:What's that character called?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Well, look, folks, this has been our panel.
Marc:That's Jesse Thorne, Dave Anthony, Greg Barron, Craig Anton.
Marc:I'm going to let these guys... Are there any plugs that we need to do before I bring Jim Earl and the final uplifting elements of the show?
Marc:Plugs?
Guest 8:No, just my blog, Stabble Monsters, and I'm going to be starting a podcast on Monday.
Marc:Okay, great.
Marc:Greg?
Guest 7:I have a Comedy Central special airing on the 8th of November called Greg Barron is that guy from that thing.
Guest 7:Which is how I'm generally recognized when people don't ask me if I'm Ty Pennington and will I build him a house.
Guest 7:I get that a lot.
Guest 2:Craigie?
Guest 2:I'll be on CSI Miami coming up I think in a week or two.
Guest 2:Do you play a killer?
Guest 2:I play a lawyer.
Marc:That's even worse.
Marc:Alright, thanks fellas.
Marc:I'll see you backstage.
Marc:You got it!
Marc:You guys are hanging out, right?
Marc:I'll buy you a hamburger or something.
Marc:Now, this is a point of the show, this is very exciting for me, because I've worked with this gentleman for years, and I think he's a genius, and I think some of you know him, and you know his work, and he's going to be doing something tonight that I've not seen him do, and I want to make sure that I introduce it right.
Marc:Jim Earl is now going to come out, and he is going to do long-form improv,
Marc:with two simple objects.
Marc:And he told me this could go on for a while.
Marc:So please welcome Jim Earl.
Marc:Do you need a certain kind of space, Jim?
Marc:Do you want me to sit back a little bit?
Marc:I'm all right here.
Marc:Hi, everybody.
Marc:Here, pick up a mic there for you.
Guest 1:And I'll just pull off to the side here and enjoy.
Guest 1:Thank you very much, Mark, for having me on your podcast tonight.
Guest 1:It was a great honor.
Guest 1:And thank you for everyone here for showing up tonight.
Guest 1:Give yourselves a big hand.
Guest 1:Now, for the next 30 minutes, I'm going to be doing long-form improv.
LAUGHTER
Guest 1:Utilizing these two simple everyday objects, a ordinary plastic bottle of water and a stool.
Guest 1:Now, I need your help on this.
Guest 1:May I have a place?
Guest 1:Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:I like that.
Guest 1:All right.
Guest 1:We have a bottle of water, a stool, and Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:Boy, it sure is hot here in Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:What's this?
Guest 1:Good thing I'm thirsty.
Guest 1:This bottle of water is right here on the stool.
Guest 1:Uh...
Guest 1:I can't do this.
Guest 1:Can I just put this aside for a minute?
Guest 1:I have a kind of a confession I'd like to make to you people.
Guest 1:I've done some things in my life that I'm not very proud of.
Guest 1:When I was five, I started stealing bundles of cash out of my father's desk drawer on a monthly basis.
Guest 1:And after a few months, I learned that our parents could no longer pay the mortgage and we lost our house.
Guest 1:So we moved to a different neighborhood, a different city, and by the time I was seven years of age, I had tortured or killed every cat and dog within a five-block radius.
Guest 1:When I was nine, I set a church on fire full of retarded senior citizens.
Guest 1:because I thought it might give me an erection.
Guest 1:They weren't retarded.
Guest 1:They were masons.
Guest 1:And I did not get an erection.
Guest 1:Two years later, I set another church on fire full of Baptists.
Guest 1:And yes, I did get an erection.
Guest 1:By the time I was 13, I had seduced my own sister and married her in a secret ceremony in my uncle's basement.
Guest 1:A few months later, when I found out she was pregnant with my own inbred incestuous child, fearing that someday he might grow up to be more powerful than I...
Guest 1:I tied her to the bed, took the bayonet that my father, part of the world's greatest generation, by the way, that my father had used when he parachuted into Holland.
Guest 1:I took that bayonet, I cut open her womb, ripped out my unborn, inbred, incestuous child and devoured it before the pleading and terror-filled eyes of my sister-wife.
Guest 1:Yes, I have done all of these things.
Guest 1:But there's one thing I will never do.
Guest 1:And that's right for Ellen.
Guest 1:I mean, have you seen this shitty show?
Guest 1:It is impossible to sit through it.
Guest 1:You know, I know I've, you know, set people on fire and fucked my sister and ate her child.
Guest 1:But I have my limits.
Guest 1:Anyway, Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:Right?
Guest 1:Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:Yeah, we're at Poughkeepsie.
Guest 1:I got this stool in this bottle of water.
Guest 1:And, uh... Fuck, I can't do this.
Guest 1:I'm sorry, Mark.
Guest 1:I think that's all I... It's okay.
Guest 1:I appreciate your honesty.
Guest 1:Yeah, man.
Guest 1:You know, there's one thing I appreciate about you and your shows is just the stark, disturbing honesty that you exude to all of your fan fans.
Yeah.
Marc:It's always a pleasure to work with you.
Marc:And I'm really glad you're back.
Marc:And I think a lot of people are very happy to see Jim Earl.
Guest 1:Well, thank you.
Guest 1:Well, you know, Mark, I just... I noticed when you were out here with the other guys, you didn't plug my band.
Marc:Oh, yeah, The Clutter Family.
Guest 1:Yeah, The Clutter Family.
Marc:Wait, is there a website?
Guest 1:Yeah, there is.
Guest 1:MySpace, The Clutter Family, or on Facebook.
Guest 1:Okay, go see The Clutter Family.
Guest 1:All right, thanks a lot, asshole.
Guest 6:It's great.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:It's good to see him.
Marc:So I can think of no better way to close this out.
Marc:I know we ran a little long, and Mr. Waffle is going to have to wait, Jimmy.
Marc:We're about done.
Marc:But I really think this is a nice way to go out, because this guy makes me feel good, and I find him uplifting.
Marc:Please welcome the brilliant Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone.
Thank you.
Guest 4:Pick up a mic.
Guest 4:Namaste, everybody.
Guest 4:These are prayer beats.
Guest 4:Hey.
Guest 4:Yeah, hi.
Guest 4:Sorry.
Guest 4:What the fuck, Mark?
Guest 4:I'm just going to jump into it because I know we have sketch groups back there who've worked for minutes on things.
Guest 4:Now, let me... No.
Guest 4:And I know that's a comment about today's kids who do... In my day, we fucking work for hours and hours.
Guest 4:Your day as well.
Guest 4:I don't think it's good enough, we would say.
Guest 4:And then eventually we would come out on stage and
Guest 4:fail, whereas these kids, no, these fucking kids run out on this stage, like Mark said, with waffles and a hat, and bang, they're on fucking Parks and Recreation.
Guest 4:Fuck them.
Guest 4:Fuck them.
Guest 4:Now,
Guest 4:And fuck parks and recreation as well, which is so fucking boring, I want to kill myself and my family.
Guest 4:If I had a family, if I had a family, I do not have a family, but if I did, I would murder them in front of parks and recreation when they're talking to the camera about the other characters in the show, and you realize life is such a vapid whirlpool of nothing.
Guest 4:But that, you know, Mark asked me to talk about the balloon fuck yesterday and I will.
Guest 4:Now this is what gets me about this fucking society now.
Guest 4:I'm fucking, I used to think Wolf Blitzer was a journalist.
Guest 4:Guess what?
Guest 4:I was dead fucking wrong.
Guest 4:That fucking idiot is going to balloon the kid.
Guest 4:And they had experts on, did you watch this yesterday?
Guest 4:They had fucking experts on CNN going, well, with the amount of helium, I don't know if we could hold that child.
Guest 4:And I'm watching this going, my life is horrible.
Guest 4:I barely can scratch by people 20 feet from my door on Tujunga, and I'm telling you the name of the street, and I don't want people trying to kill me lunging at me because your life is horrible, and for some reason you've made me the center of your horror, right?
Guest 4:Because John Lennon, I know I'm not as popular as Lennon, but he was killed by some fucking nut like you.
Guest 4:Whoever you are, and you know who I'm talking to you, the psychotic fuck in this audience who is here alone.
Guest 4:There he is.
Guest 4:You, not so much.
Guest 4:And that's how you placate the psychotic.
Guest 4:You say, you, not so much.
Guest 4:But let me get to the balloon fuck.
Guest 4:What is this country?
Guest 4:What?
Guest 4:This is, and this is about how articulate I am.
Guest 4:And I think debate teams should have guys like this, like just a blue-collar guy who's so angry.
Guest 4:I think like the Harvard and Yale debate team should have one guy from Brooklyn who's so fucked over by life that he just goes, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you, and he can't get it out.
Guest 4:And that would be a great debate.
Guest 4:Because people, look, it's the language of the heart.
Guest 4:Words, you could suck on words.
Guest 4:It's the language of the heart.
Guest 4:I have one follower on Twitter, one, and he wants to kill me.
Guest 4:Namaste.
Guest 4:These are prayer beads.
Guest 4:I now go into the Bodhi Tree bookstore next to the Earth Cafe, and I'm like, please, give me a set of bracelets that have changed my fucking life.
Guest 4:Can you do that?
Guest 4:And they do.
Guest 4:By the way, why aren't the people who work at the Bodhi Tree bookstore nice?
Guest 4:They give me this fucking attitude.
Guest 4:Anyway...
Guest 4:I don't want to talk about that.
Guest 4:I want to talk about the media and the distractions because that balloon kid yesterday, that balloon story was nothing but another fucking distraction.
Guest 4:We are getting bent over.
Guest 4:And by we, I mean me.
Guest 4:We are getting bent over.
Guest 4:and fucked by corporate America.
Guest 4:And I know you are leaning that way.
Guest 4:Corporate America... No, because all your comedian friends you had on today are in bands.
Guest 4:Look, we're comedians.
Guest 4:Let's fucking tell the truth.
Guest 4:You know, not enough comedians tell the truth.
Guest 4:They get on stage and they talk about, oh, hey, the insider pizza's filled with cheese.
Guest 4:Who gives a fuck?
Guest 4:Wall Street is fucking us.
Guest 4:They're fucking us.
Guest 4:All these corporations, they have people living in tents now.
Guest 4:There's five people living in the ass of someone.
Guest 4:That's how bad it's got.
Guest 4:I've been to that neighborhood.
Yeah.
Guest 4:So stop distracting us with these fucking horrible stories.
Guest 4:And I gotta admit, I get distracted too.
Guest 4:I'm on Facebook and Twitter a lot, and you could just lose yourself in the internet.
Guest 4:And I'm sober too.
Guest 4:You've had sober comedians out here.
Guest 4:I have upwards of like 30 days.
Guest 4:And why do I have to be conscious for the horror?
Guest 4:Why?
Guest 4:Why do I have to be conscious for this horror?
Guest 4:That is our reality.
Guest 4:Let me drink.
Guest 4:Let me smoke.
Guest 4:Who's stopping you?
Guest 4:My sponsor.
Guest 4:I'm competitive.
Guest 4:I am competitive.
Guest 4:When I go to AA meetings, I don't want to admit I have 30 fucking days.
Guest 4:I say I have 12 years and let them go fuck themselves.
Guest 4:Let them go fuck themselves.
Marc:You just warmed up to the psychotic.
Guest 4:I know.
Guest 4:I know.
Guest 4:Anyway, do you understand what I'm saying about the distraction?
Guest 4:Bread and circus.
Guest 4:You familiar with that term?
Guest 4:How about shadows flickering on the cave?
Guest 4:Plato wrote about that.
Guest 4:That's what the television is.
Guest 4:Shadows flickering on our fucking cave.
Guest 4:We're in our apartments.
Guest 4:In my case, an apartment.
Guest 4:You may have house.
Guest 4:I've had apartments my whole life.
Guest 4:Just in the apartment, just watching the little shadows.
Guest 4:What did Blitzer say, honey?
Guest 4:Turn trauma up.
Guest 4:That's a new show.
Guest 4:Trauma.
Guest 4:Why are we relaxing to a show called Trauma?
Guest 4:Turn trauma louder.
Guest 4:Anyway.
Guest 4:Sorry.
Guest 4:Namaste.
Guest 4:Eddie Peppertone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:I love you.
Marc:Let's keep it going for everybody who appeared on the show.
Marc:Jesse Thorne, Dave Anthony, Greg Barron, Craig Anton, Jim Earl, Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:I love you.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com if you need anything.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:Follow me on Twitter.
Marc:Follow Eddie on Twitter.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming.
Marc:I really appreciate you being here.
Marc:Good night.
you