Episode 148 - Bobcat Goldthwait, W. Kamau Bell, Nato Green, Maria Bamford, Baron Vaughn, Will Franken
Guest:Lock the game!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:All right, are we doing this?
Guest:How are you what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fuck nicks, what the fucking odds?
Guest:Welcome to Cobb's Comedy Club for live WTF.
Guest:Yay.
Guest:Holy shit.
Marc:A lot of fucking people.
Marc:How's everybody doing?
Good.
Marc:Don't expect me to be any different here.
Marc:What'd you just say?
Marc:You just said stoned?
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:So I'll just come right up here and do it this close.
Marc:Is this comfortable, buddy?
Marc:It's me from your head.
Marc:It's weird, right?
Marc:Yeah, it's just me and you, alone, sitting at home.
Marc:Yeah, I know that's how you think of it.
Marc:That's why I'm trying to identify it with you right now.
Marc:And I can only imagine that on top of the pot, the adrenaline that's going on right now, it's gotta be like a speedball.
Marc:It's good.
Marc:So maybe I'll come over once a week so you don't get involved with heavier drugs.
Marc:It's a deal, man.
Marc:Thank you, Stephanie, for giving me mints, because God forbid I have my mouth empty while I'm on a microphone.
Marc:You know how I work.
Marc:There's going to be crunching, some weird sounds.
Marc:We're good.
Marc:I'm very happy you all came.
Marc:I brought presents, and we'll get into whatever the hell I'm going to talk about.
Marc:Okay, I have one bag of Just Coffee Coffee.
Marc:Yay!
Yay!
Marc:All right, so let's start the show proper.
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:We have a great show for you tonight.
Marc:We've got Will Franken.
Marc:We've got Baron Vaughn.
Marc:We've got Maria Bamford.
Marc:We've got Nato Green, Bobcat Goldthwait, Kamau Bell.
Marc:All are in the back, wondering how long I will talk.
Thank you.
Marc:Maybe the reason I'm sensing some weird awkwardness is I am wearing the same clothing I wore on Conan last night.
Marc:I did go home.
Marc:This was a choice.
Marc:It might not have been a good choice, but it sort of looks like that.
Marc:Like, I did Conan.
Marc:I'm just like, fuck it, I'm not going home.
Marc:Let's stay up and eat cereal all night.
Marc:That probably the most tragic thing about being me at this point in my life is I went home after the show and you don't realize when people do a daily show like Conan, like I go there and it's like, I haven't been on in a year.
Marc:This is fucking great.
Marc:It's all about me.
Marc:And really it's just another day at work for them.
Marc:So afterwards they're just like, okay, we're going to debrief.
Marc:See you later.
Marc:And it's just me and an intern.
Marc:I go to the bathroom.
Marc:I drive away myself.
Marc:And that's all it is.
Marc:And I'm just driving back home.
Marc:And I sat there and I was like, this is fucked up.
Marc:I can't even watch it.
Marc:So I'm tweeting to ask people how it is on the East Coast, which is insecure and pathetic.
Marc:And then not knowing what to do to celebrate because I don't do fucking anything.
Marc:I just had puffins with soy milk and stevia.
Woo!
Marc:Yeah, it was a proud moment.
Marc:Really proud moment.
Marc:Then I kind of wrestled with myself, like, should I jerk off or wait?
Marc:I'm going to save that party for later.
Marc:I'm going to have two parties.
Marc:I'm going to have a Puffins party and then get off the bed, cats.
Marc:Daddy's got things to do.
Marc:i'm very happy to be in san francisco i come here fairly frequently i lived here for a while i have no idea what's happening here i never understand san francisco i know that when i get here i i feel immediately weird and uncomfortable in a good way i think that's what this city does it's for people who feel weird and uncomfortable in a good way and they they celebrate that and they spread it around i don't know why
Marc:I guess I'm too needy for San Francisco, I think is what it is.
Marc:There's people that seem to be very caught up in their own identity, in their own shit.
Marc:They seem to be little cities in and of themselves just walking down the street, defying you to judge them.
Marc:And I'm just sort of like, help me.
Marc:And it doesn't seem to pan out that way.
Marc:But I do, I've talked about this before.
Marc:I don't know if I've talked about it on the podcast.
Marc:I like the Tenderloin a lot because I've lived in a lot of cities.
Marc:And in bigger cities, you know, the freaks are more spread out.
Marc:The weirdness is kind of spread out over many blocks.
Marc:But because San Francisco is such a tight, small city, there's a lot packed into the tenderloin.
Marc:There's a lot of weirdness.
Marc:Like, years ago, I saw a transvestite junkie nodding off on rollerblades, you know, and just slowly spinning around.
Marc:And I had this moment, I'm like, wow, she's doing the job as seven freaks in another city.
Marc:I just don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I've certainly talked about it being in San Francisco.
Marc:And the other thing that always resonates with me when I'm here is if I do go to Upper Haight, and I don't know if this still exists, but it always fucked me up that there are those weird, almost demonic gatekeepers right at the beginning of Golden Gate Park at the top of Haight Street.
Marc:Like those dudes that took Morrison's advice in the 60s and broke on through to the other side.
Marc:You know, neglected to make note of the door back.
Marc:And... And you walk by them, and they usually ask for money, but they have this weird, like, thousand-yard, you know, post-acid stare that just burns into your fucking soul.
Marc:And there's that moment where you're like, hey, you got a dollar?
Marc:And I'm like, I'll give you five if you give me back what you took outside of my head.
LAUGHTER
Marc:What did you just steal from my soul?
Marc:Give me back that piece that you took.
Marc:Weird hippie guy.
Marc:Let's read some emails and then let's get this going because there's a lot of comics.
Marc:We're staying at a weird hotel.
Marc:What's the name of that hotel?
Marc:The Memorial Marine Hotel?
Marc:It's like a marine museum.
Marc:Have you been there?
Marc:It's a marine club and hotel.
Marc:So on every floor there are just showcases of marine paraphernalia, pictures of marines.
Marc:It's very intimidating for sort of an anti-war comedian person.
Marc:Like I was there and I had this weird moment where I'm like, I'm like the opposite of a marine.
Marc:I don't even know what that means, but I decided it.
Marc:I decided it's like, you know, Marines are about teamwork and killing as a unit.
Marc:I'm just about me and me and killing as a comic.
Marc:Brief fan letter.
Marc:This one's kind of touching, and then I'll move into funnier things.
Marc:This is going to make me cry, though.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:I'm a huge fan, not just of your comedy, but also of your podcast.
Marc:I could give you a list of the ones I've loved the best, but I have a more important thing to tell you.
Marc:A great friend of mine is currently taking chemo treatments for a slow-moving cancer, yet...
Marc:It sucks, but everyone is hopeful that he will be okay.
Marc:Anyway, he told me that he sits there taking chemo treatments and the only thing that gets him through it are your podcasts.
Marc:It makes me feel better that you do these things if for no other reason other than they make my friend feel better.
Marc:You seem like the kind of guy who might want to know this.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Now, this is sort of a weird, like, almost passive-aggressive guilt thing.
Marc:It's a very lovely email, but then there's a weird pressure here.
Marc:He says, okay, that's all I have.
Marc:Please keep doing the podcast.
Marc:I think my friend's chemo treatments will last a few more months.
Marc:Like, if I had any thought of stopping, you may kill my friend.
Marc:That's from Robert.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:I watched Conan like I was your agent or something.
Guest:That's the subject line.
Marc:This guy's got a good attitude though.
Marc:Dude, you killed one.
Marc:Outfit was great, perfect look.
Marc:I'm not gay, nothing against gays, but very refined.
Marc:Not too young, not too old and creepy.
Marc:Hair and facial hair, perfect.
Marc:Glasses, good choice.
Marc:Don't change, all caps.
Marc:Two, bits were amazing.
Marc:I listened to your show at work, so I heard them all plenty before.
Marc:Wait, and then in parentheses, don't you dare single that out as a negative mark, stop it.
Marc:And you worked them out seamlessly.
Marc:I'm sure even your dad would have laughed.
Marc:He kind of did.
Marc:I talked to him today.
Marc:No, here's what my dad said today.
Marc:That was good, right?
Marc:And then there's always the fucked up, you know, aggressive, negating advice.
Marc:Who knows?
Marc:Maybe, you know, when Conan's sick, you can take over the show.
Marc:Three, I didn't even see you pull your cell phone out as a prop.
Marc:Take that, Eddie Brill, though I did.
Marc:We all know I did towards the end of that.
Marc:But it wasn't a prop, it was to make a point.
Marc:Four, you make the chick laying in bed next to me who is a stalker realize she was a stalker.
Marc:Somehow, she also attacked my sexuality because I told her to shut the fuck up and get off me when you came on.
Marc:and proceeded to laugh loudly while she stared at me like I had ten heads, got dressed, and walked herself to the car in the 12-degree Minneapolis Arctic wind.
Marc:And five, thanks for getting rid of her.
Marc:But she is still sending me vagina shots.
Marc:He means pictures, but it sounds like a drink, doesn't it?
Marc:Yeah, vagina shots for everybody.
Marc:Once again, I feel like you're a proud agent.
Marc:You look good on TV.
Marc:Hurry up and sell out to Hollywood.
Marc:You deserve it.
Marc:P.S., I hope Conan is aware of how crazy your followers are because if he does not follow up on that promise to come to the garage and get pissed on by Boomer, his Twitter will be heavily assaulted with words like condescend, fester, and are we doing this?
Marc:Thanks for everything, Elliot.
Marc:All right, this one is about some girl, and she has a narcissistic mother who made everyone wear yellow for some reason.
Marc:Did you ever consider dentistry?
Marc:I don't want to read that.
Marc:No, it's weird.
Marc:The guy's like, hey, Mark, I'd had this dream last night that you were my dentist, but you were still pursuing comedy as your full-time career.
Marc:I wanted to introduce my mother to you, the famous dentist comedian, but accidentally introduced her to a shopping mall janitor who happened to look exactly like you.
Marc:Did I mention that my dream took place at a shopping mall for some reason?
Marc:I'm not sure what it all means, but I would love to hear your analysis.
Marc:I'll work on it later.
Marc:I gotta hurry.
Marc:Did you know that you, what is this one?
Marc:Oh, this guy's an asshole.
Marc:How do you open an email like this?
Marc:I'm not a huge fan of yours, but it's not your fault.
Marc:I haven't really experienced enough of your material to justify the quote-unquote fan designation, let alone the demanding service and dedication required of the supersized.
Marc:I do have a particular fondness for your awkward, self-defeating mannerisms, though, but that's probably some deluded form of narcissism.
Marc:How am I supposed to feel about this?
Marc:Because I feel contempt and horrible hatred towards this person.
Marc:On your site, you tell a story of how you took a compliment from a random female fan who was probably somewhat physically attractive to you and destroyed it as best you could before you'd have to live one day under the unbearable weight of being an heir to a comedy legend or perhaps just to her expectations.
Marc:I liked that a lot.
Marc:Or at least I like how I interpreted the exchange.
Marc:Anyway, I'm rambling, yes.
Marc:I'm very pleased to bring out a guy that I actually really resented for a long time for no reason.
Marc:And then all of a sudden he did something really funny and I'm like, oh, that guy's all right.
Marc:Will Franken, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Hi, Will.
Guest:Hi, Mark.
Guest:How you doing?
Guest:I'm good, Will.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Will Franken was a man of long hair until when, this morning?
Guest:No, it was a couple years ago.
Guest:I wasn't getting laid for like a long, long time, and I said, fuck it, I'm cutting this shit off.
Marc:And you think you're going to get laid like this?
Guest:I'm working on it.
Guest:I'm working on it.
Guest:No, actually, I was selling my body to the VA hospital in the Richmond, and they had a little barber shop in there.
Guest:because the comedy was not going as well as I had hoped.
Guest:What do you mean, selling your body?
Guest:Oh, they were doing a smoker study to see if smoking affects your intelligence.
Marc:I thought you were giving them pieces.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:They stuck me in an MRI tube, and I got done, and I said, well, I was going to go to the cafeteria, and then they had a little barber there, and I go, how much is it?
Guest:They said, seven bucks.
Guest:I said, cut this shit off, man.
Guest:Because I had, like, two years have gone by, and I would pace around like a beauty parlor, and I'd smoke cigarettes, and I go, no, it's time, it's time.
Guest:I'm going in, I'm going in, I sit down, and the Korean lady would go...
Guest:You don't want to cut your hair, you be sad.
Guest:I don't want to be sad.
Guest:And then I would keep along, and it was this big, lumpy, triangular mess.
Marc:I've known so many comics that have done shit like that.
Marc:He just reminded me of this time when I lived with Dave Cross, and he would do medical experiments.
Marc:And one time...
Marc:One time, the experiment was for a heartburn medication, so they always have a placebo, and then they have the real medication, and they'd make the people eat two bowls of Wendy's chili and drink two glasses of red wine, and he fucking got the placebo, and for two days, he was like, I got him fucked up.
Marc:He used to give fucking plasma.
Guest:Did you ever give plasma?
Guest:I gave plasma for a couple years, and I used that to buy my Marlboro Reds, which eventually paved the way for me years later to do the smoker study at the Richmond VA.
Guest:So doors were opened through that plasma.
Guest:So plasma led to MRIs, and it's just been a great life, Mark.
Guest:It's just gone up and up and up from there.
Guest:so I guess comedy's really working out.
Guest:Hey, I really appreciate you bringing up that resentment, because I was like, I wonder if he's going to bring up that resentment, because I was resentful against you, actually, and I want to clear the air here in public, because we did an interview on Air America years ago, and you cut out 75% of it, and I was like, man, fuck him, man.
Marc:I thought Air America was progressive.
Marc:Why are they censoring me?
Marc:Oh, let's check not funny, uninteresting, annoying.
Marc:It was not for political reasons.
Guest:But we made our peace in Montreal.
Guest:I don't even remember you being on the show, frankly.
Guest:But I'm sorry.
Guest:I don't even remember really being on the show.
Guest:I'm sorry that happened to you.
Guest:Love, man.
Guest:Are we good?
Guest:We're totally good, man.
Guest:Absolutely, man.
Marc:Yeah, I think you just creeped me out a little bit, but I think I'm okay.
Marc:You know, there was this period... Well, you know, you're one of those guys, though.
Marc:You know, you're a dude, and I've been that dude, where, like, you know, before we even meet you, you know, when you had the hair and the shit, you'd come into a room and just be like, reckon with me!
Marc:You know, and usually when someone does that, I'm like, okay, I've made my decision.
Marc:You're a fucking idiot.
Guest:Yeah, totally.
Marc:But now you're very open and vulnerable, and it's making me sad.
Guest:Well, I am getting laid now, and that helps out a lot.
Guest:It does?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It does help, right?
Guest:I was smoking weed around the clock, and then I started drinking again, and then I quit everything.
Guest:What do you mean again?
Guest:You relapsed?
Guest:Oh, yeah, relapsed.
Guest:So you were totally clean?
Guest:Marijuana maintenance?
Guest:Yeah, marijuana maintenance for a number of years.
Guest:So bogus sobriety.
Guest:I was trying to meet girls in New York, and I was like, the problem is when you're high, you listen to the girls, and you don't touch them.
Guest:You're like, oh, you spilled it on the address in the eighth grade.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:But your hand doesn't go to anything.
Guest:So that's the kind of guy who was just smoking and going, you know, you read Robert Crumb?
Guest:His stuff's good.
Guest:And then I was becoming Robert Crumb or Charles Crumb and I wasn't getting anything.
Guest:Then once I cut the hair, it was like, wow, you know, I started drinking a little bit.
Marc:So in the middle of the conversation, you just touch their boob and that works?
Guest:No, I usually go around the waist.
Guest:It's like, come here, I want to show you something.
Guest:And then I get the hook around and stuff like that.
Guest:Now you're creeping girls out.
Guest:That's cool.
Guest:Well, you know, it's okay because I got a girlfriend now so I can creep out other girls.
Guest:It's probably better.
Guest:I got the ones if you do that.
Marc:Totally, totally.
Marc:So now I talked to you and I had no realization about where you come from or where you landed in comedy.
Marc:It seems like it might be an interesting story of desperation.
Guest:Yeah, totally desperate.
Guest:I was raised in Missouri.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:That's okay.
Guest:It's just a little state.
Guest:It's not much, but they're trying.
Guest:Trying to what?
Guest:I have a theory about Missouri people that when the ancestors or whatever first came to the East Coast, it was like, oh, look, a new land.
Guest:We've landed.
Guest:And then when the people that came out to California were like, I bet there's another fucking ocean out there.
Guest:Let's go.
Guest:And they go, and they go, we
Guest:did it another fucking ocean the people in missouri got halfway through and they go fuck it and that's the attitude to this day is they just say fuck it you know i could i could have seen a fucking ocean i got a pond fuck it water's water way i fucking look at it h2o is h2o and everybody tells you their water don't shit don't stink don't fuck it you know whatever yeah yeah yeah totally
Marc:All of that.
Guest:But then, you know, I came up here, lived in my car for a couple months.
Guest:Wait, you lived in your car?
Guest:I lived in my car back when I had one.
Guest:Oh, that's spectacular.
Guest:How does that work out?
Guest:Actually, for a 6'5 guy, I had an Oldsmobile Intrigue.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was sleeping at the Pinole Target, because... How about a hand for the Pinole Target, huh?
Guest:What about that Pinole Target?
Guest:That's a Target.
Guest:I didn't...
Guest:I'd already lived in New York, and I didn't know what the fuck I was gonna do, and I just said, well, I'll try the... I was with this girl, and she kicked me out of the house in North Carolina, so I drove across country, and Panola... I didn't want to go into the city, because I thought it might be dangerous.
Marc:I love stories that dismiss the entire story on the way to get to the car.
Marc:I know, I know.
Marc:Like, you know, I got kicked out and then I had to leave and God knows what the fuck happened in between there and then and what happened with that girl.
Marc:Okay, so then you're here.
Marc:I have a problem with exposition.
Marc:I do too much of it.
Marc:No, no, it was great, but what happened with the girl?
Marc:You just got kicked out?
Guest:Oh, she asked me to move in and then something was wrong and then like two days later there was a problem and I had to leave.
Guest:Is it that vague?
Guest:I think, you know, to keep the comedy aspect alive.
Guest:I don't want to go too, you know, because my current girlfriend is, you know, within earshot.
Marc:I'm sort of hung up, though, on talking about, like, you know, people's fucked up relationships now.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Because, like, a lot of you who listen to me, like, I've not talked about what happened between me and this girl that I was dating.
Marc:Well, but what happened was, just be cool.
Marc:It was between us.
Marc:Like, I had this moment.
Marc:I don't know if you've ever had this moment where, you know, you're with somebody and you know that something's wrong.
Marc:But not wrong like I don't like them.
Marc:Wrong that, like, I think that whatever's wrong with her is out of my fucking wheelhouse.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Where it's sort of like, you're like, wow, I saw a series of red flags that I ignored.
Marc:But literally, there was this moment, we went to my mother's in Florida for Thanksgiving, all right?
Marc:And we had a fight, and then she went outside, she started smoking cigarettes out on the patio.
Marc:It was midnight, it was starting to rain, and she was rocking, okay?
Marc:And she was saying, I'm always alone, I'm always alone, I'm always alone.
Marc:But you know what I was thinking?
Marc:She could be a good mom.
Marc:She wouldn't be alone with children.
Marc:So I was completely fucking hung up on her and I was dismissing all these signs that other people would read as a problem.
Marc:The day before I'm supposed to leave New York, she goes completely AWOL, and there was this weird moment of clarity.
Marc:There was this weird moment of clarity where I'm like, you know what?
Marc:I have to change the locks right now and put all her shit outside.
Marc:Right, well, because I had to.
Marc:Because it became too destructive, the relationship.
Marc:And I knew that if I didn't do that, I would never get rid of her because I have no personal boundaries.
Marc:And she had literally moved into my soul and started stacking her clothing in there.
Marc:So that's what happened.
Marc:So here's the fucking sad part about it.
Marc:Sorry, Will.
Marc:No, please.
Marc:Is that I move her out of the house, right?
Marc:And then, you know, the locks are changed.
Marc:Police had to be called a couple of times.
Marc:I thought I was have to get a restraining order.
Marc:I thought there were court dates in my future.
Marc:I thought like, fuck, you know, what if I have to visit her at an institution?
Marc:All this shit was going on, right?
Marc:And the only thing I'm thinking honestly was like, it'd be so much easier if I married her.
Marc:Like, I can handle this.
Marc:And then my higher self rose out of my body, Will.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Rose up out of me.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:And looked down at me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And said, Mark, it's not your job to handle it.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And then I said, yeah.
Marc:And then I said, okay, I'll try to process that.
Marc:And here's the little sad part about me.
Marc:I actually... I'm going to tell you because you're my friends.
Yeah.
Marc:I talked to somebody who was in Al-Anon, okay?
Marc:Because all I fucking wanted to do was reconnect with her, right?
Marc:And my friend said, no contact.
Marc:So I had a post-it on my dashboard that just said, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Marc:Because every time I was like, I'm just going to call her, because even if we just fight, it would feel good.
Marc:Ken didn't cause it.
Marc:So that's where that's at.
Marc:So don't tell her that I talked about it.
Guest:This was just a trophy girl.
Guest:Oh, yeah, what a prize.
Guest:She had a red card, and she was a lawyer, and she was the kind of girl that wouldn't date me in high school.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:I thought we were still talking about me.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:Uh-huh, yeah.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I just want you to talk about real quick, because you mentioned in passing, like the story you just told when we were talking on the phone earlier.
Marc:You're like, well, I can talk about me and the Manson family.
Marc:And then you went on to something else.
Marc:I'd like to hear about the Manson family.
Guest:Okay, well, first off, I want to describe the phone call I got from you.
Guest:He's very good about calling back.
Guest:I sent you an email.
Guest:Yeah, because I didn't know you.
Guest:And it scared the shit of me.
Guest:He's like, I didn't know if it was a show or we were going to talk.
Guest:So he goes...
Guest:Will.
Guest:Yeah, it's Mark.
Guest:And I try to keep it like a conversation, but there's gonna be a crowd, so just try to be funny.
Guest:So I'm on the other end like a douchebag.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I was born in Missouri.
Guest:And I'm looking forward to that.
Guest:I'll see you tonight's show, Mark.
Guest:I hate it.
Guest:I'm freaking out.
Marc:But anyway.
Marc:But my notes from that conversation after five minutes was literally, wait.
Marc:Where is it?
Marc:Missouri.
Marc:Master of 18th century literature.
Marc:Commercials.
Marc:Self-sabotage.
Marc:Living in car.
Marc:Fell into comedy.
Marc:And then it just says Manson's.
Guest:OK.
Guest:I'll tell you about the Manson family.
Guest:This is a good story.
Guest:Can I stand up for this?
Guest:Whatever you want.
Guest:When you walk.
Guest:No, I'll sit down.
Guest:I'll start sitting down if I get excited.
Guest:Yeah, you tried it.
Guest:It didn't work out.
Guest:So does anybody in the audience know Harbin Hot Springs?
Guest:No.
Guest:Right on.
Guest:I was the house comedian.
Guest:It was, like, kind of a nudist, zen, hippy-dippy place to go.
Guest:And I would go up there and do comedy shows, like, once a month.
Guest:Well, one day, I got done with the show, and this woman comes up, and she says, do you have any of your stuff in transcript form?
Guest:Because my friends are in prison, and they can't get CDs.
Guest:And I said, what'd your friends do?
Guest:And one said, well, she held a gun to President Ford.
Guest:I go, you talking about Squeaky?
Guest:And I look, and there's the ex.
Guest:Went home that night.
Guest:This leads into a swastika bit that's really hysterical.
Guest:So, anyway.
Guest:As they all are.
Guest:As they all are.
Guest:She invites me and my wife at the time, who's now my ex-wife.
Marc:Just another dismissed part of the story.
Guest:She invites us to stay up with her and her boyfriend for Halloween.
Guest:Halloween with the Manson family?
Guest:With one of the members of the Manson family.
Guest:And we go up there, and there's the hills and the fog.
Guest:They got, like, this little ranch up there.
Guest:Not a ranch, but it's, like, if I had money and I made a ranch, it'd be like that.
Guest:Like a shitty little white trash with chickens and shit.
Guest:We go in there.
Guest:My wife and I are walking around.
Guest:There's, like, a little candlestick holder.
Guest:We pick it up.
Guest:There's a swastika.
Guest:My wife goes, look at that.
Guest:Swastika, right?
Guest:Then we see, like, another swastika.
Guest:Maybe three swastikas.
Guest:Then I'm starting to get freaked out.
Guest:So then... Really?
Guest:At three?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We had three.
Guest:I saw three.
Guest:That was your limit?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Some people, it's like one.
Guest:I didn't know if it was the Peace Indian sign or what.
Guest:Sure, sure, yeah.
Guest:But anyway, they finally show us to our house, which is a little guest octagonal hobbit house.
Guest:Really beautiful.
Guest:Better homes and gardens.
Marc:A Bucky house?
Marc:Like Buckminster Fuller house?
Marc:Buckminster Fuller?
Marc:Never mind.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:He wasn't there, no.
Marc:Assuming you were smarter.
Guest:Go ahead.
Anyway.
Marc:Oh, stop it.
Guest:He knows who he is.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:So we lock the door.
Guest:We're just freaking ourselves out.
Guest:Swastikas or whatever.
Guest:It's like a hobbit hole.
Guest:It's beautiful.
Guest:Even for a tall guy, it was just this cozy little comforting.
Guest:And I got in the bed.
Guest:We pulled up the quilt, and the quilt's made out of swastikas.
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:Totally.
Guest:Swastikas.
Guest:So the next day, the guy is showing us around the house.
Marc:It was made by Hitler's grandma.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now, this is the boyfriend shit.
Guest:The boyfriend was not in the Manson family.
Guest:He's much younger than the woman.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's dressed like Fidel Castro.
Guest:Got the beard, the little dungaree hat or whatever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's showing us around the house the next day.
Guest:Now he's starting to take us into his confidence.
Guest:He's like...
Guest:That's the kitchen there.
Guest:That's the bathroom.
Guest:We're trying to remodel that.
Guest:Here's the room where I keep all my swastikas.
Guest:He opens the door and there's thousands of fucking swastikas.
Guest:I'm like, you just came out of the closet, didn't you?
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:There's iron crosses and swastikas.
Guest:Like all different types?
Guest:No, but they were all the swastika with the jaggedy thing.
Guest:There wasn't like, you know, a pink one or a fuzzy dice.
Guest:Oh, I was hoping so.
Guest:Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like with the little cartoon eyes pasted on.
Guest:Actually, they were like, you know how they say no two swastikas are alike?
Guest:Well, that was really...
Guest:That myth was put to rest here.
Guest:We're really pretty much all the same.
Marc:So it turned out to be, who was it, Sandra?
Guest:I feel bad saying it now.
Guest:Okay, never mind.
Guest:Because I had a crush on Squeaky when I was a kid, and Squeaky sent me an email via my blog, and it was like, but yeah, it was Sandra Good, yeah.
Guest:Well, that was wonderful.
Guest:Is she here?
Guest:Sandra, give yourself a hand.
Marc:Oh, if there was a Manson girl here, I would so have her up here in a second.
Marc:It's just weird.
Marc:Will Franken, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you, Mark, and thank all of you.
Marc:You can move down.
Marc:You just move to this one.
Marc:And we'll just keep moving down like musical chairs.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer just had a show premiere last night on something.
Marc:And... I'm sorry it's vague, dude.
Marc:I just, you know, you'll tell him when you come out here.
Marc:Baron Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:What's going on, man?
Guest:What is that show you were on last night?
Guest:The show that I'm on that premiered last night, it's called Fairly Legal on the USA Network.
Guest:One person.
Guest:Yeah, one person.
Guest:That's about proportionally right for that network.
Guest:It's cable, exactly.
Guest:That's all we need.
Guest:This is how it would work.
Guest:One out of 400 people.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Watch your show last night.
Guest:I hope so.
Guest:I wasn't one of them, unfortunately, because I had to go to perform for Jonathan Netflix and the founder of Netflix, Jonathan Netflix.
Guest:What do you mean you had to...
Guest:You had to perform.
Guest:Yes, I had to go do a show for Netflix.
Guest:You were summoned?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I was summoned.
Guest:I tried to watch something on Instant Watch, and they're like, you're going to perform when you come here for us.
Guest:Right?
Guest:It was just a guy's face.
Guest:Weird.
Marc:Did you go with three other comics?
Guest:Yes, there was also other comedians.
Marc:Okay, so now what was that like?
Marc:It was a corporate gig, in other words.
Guest:It was a corporate gig.
Guest:It was me, this guy Carl Hess, a very funny guy, and Casper Hauser.
Guest:And, yes.
Guest:The theater group.
Guest:Yes, exactly.
Guest:And it was good, you know?
Guest:It was a good show, and we all did relatively well, but we all walked off being like, what the hell just happened?
Guest:Because a corporate gig is weird.
Guest:It's essentially they're still at work, but now they're drinking.
It's fucking...
Marc:I never was asked to do corporate gigs.
Marc:That's the only one I've ever done.
Marc:Yeah, it's horrendous.
Marc:There was one time where I remember, like, I filled in for somebody.
Marc:And I was always... I worked for this booking agency.
Marc:They'd always tell me, they want you.
Marc:And then you'd get there, and they'd say things like, you're not Bill Maher.
Marc:And...
Marc:And they have no idea who the fuck you are, because whoever just bailed on them, I was the villain.
Marc:And at that day, I was like Anthony Clark.
Marc:And I walk into this room, and there's a huge ice sculpture in the middle of the room.
Marc:There are buffets on both sides and tables.
Marc:And the stage, or where the microphone stand was, was in between these two buffets.
Marc:And the ice sculpture was in the middle.
Marc:And these women came up to me, and she says, you're the comic?
Marc:Like that.
Marc:You're the comic?
Marc:Like just horrendous Jews that I'm very familiar with.
Marc:You know, just like those horrible, horrendous Jewish vampire ladies.
Marc:You hear him?
Marc:Well, listen, they like sports.
Marc:Do you talk about sports?
Marc:I don't fucking know anything about sports.
Marc:At that point, all I was talking about was being afraid of AIDS.
Marc:Which is a sport.
Marc:Yeah, it's a very competitive sport.
Marc:Very competitive.
Marc:Easy to lose.
Guest:So I go up there...
Guest:I just want to say, by the way, your spatial work was fantastic right there.
Guest:Continue.
Marc:So I go up there to people who are still at the buffet, just sitting down, and I had this horrendous series of jokes.
Marc:It must have been 20 years ago.
Marc:I had long hair.
Marc:I probably was just angry and weird.
Marc:no one paid attention to me at all.
Guest:They were just drinking?
Marc:They just dismissed me completely.
Marc:And then I walked off, and I thought I was gonna fucking cry.
Marc:And these two women came up to me, and they said, your agent will give you your check.
Marc:You could eat, but we're not gonna... If you just go, it would be better.
Marc:If you just go, it would be better.
Marc:But that's what I wanted to do.
Marc:Are you fucking kidding?
Marc:There's nothing worse than having to hang out with a crowd you just failed in front of because you're not allowed to leave.
Guest:I've had that happen, yeah.
Guest:Especially if the only place to sit is by the door where they're exiting and they're like, hey, great set.
Guest:And then they look at you and then they continue to go outside.
Guest:Happened in Jersey.
Marc:So Netflix, so did you kick ass or what?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:No?
Marc:No, I... What the hell was that?
Guest:That's my... I'm just going in the falsetto for accentuation.
I mean, it was...
Guest:No, it was good.
Guest:I had strong laughs.
Guest:I ended strong.
Guest:I'm hard on myself, so I remember the set going worse than it went.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because I was like, I didn't get the laughs in the place.
Guest:I wanted to get them.
Guest:My voice is a robber baron.
Guest:Right.
Guest:My inner judge is like, you know, you could have done that better.
Guest:But I got good laughs, you know?
Marc:Sure, so you've spun it?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:The more generous person in your head say, now you shut up, Mr. Robber Baron.
Guest:No, somebody outside of me had to say that to Robert Barron.
Marc:He did well.
Guest:Shut up, kid.
Marc:So when I saw you, we were in Vancouver.
Guest:Yeah, actually, the last time I saw you, you were with that person.
Guest:I miss her.
Guest:We were in Cafe 101.
Guest:It was at Cafe 101.
Guest:You just did a live show at the UCB.
Guest:I miss her because she was so crazy.
Marc:And you liked... I mean, crazy.
Marc:But I liked her so much, she was always like, you know, she just would sit there on a pile of clothing playing Angry Birds and reading gossip.
Marc:You know?
Marc:The pile of clothing was essential.
Marc:It's like, I want to play Angry Birds.
Marc:Where's the clothes?
Marc:I need clothes.
Marc:Piles of clothes.
Marc:How about a lump?
Marc:No, a pile.
Marc:I'd hear these different video games.
Marc:And then all of a sudden, like, she'd alternate between Angry Birds and reading gossip, so I'd hear the Angry Birds sing, and then all of a sudden she'd just go, Charlie Sheen's a fucking asshole.
Ha ha ha!
Marc:How is that not adorable?
Marc:That is adorable.
Marc:And she'd wear rubber gloves when she washed dishes.
Guest:But we were at the...
Guest:We were at the diner, and you were leaving with her, and you were holding her hand in a way that you kind of had her behind you.
Guest:And I wanted to say hi to her, and I was like, Mark will punch me if I do that.
Guest:So then, I don't know, it was just in my head.
Guest:So then I went to shake your hand, but I went for the fist bump instead, and you connected with the fist bump.
Guest:But instead of fisting and coming out, that's disgusting.
LAUGHTER
Guest:This is what you did, and I loved this.
Guest:I loved this.
Guest:You fist bumped.
Guest:You left it connected.
Guest:And then you kind of looked at me for permission to disconnect.
Guest:And I was like, you can go.
Guest:And you were like, ha-ha.
Guest:And then you...
Marc:And then in Vancouver... You don't even know how I learned how to do a fist bump.
Marc:I'm scared to find out.
Marc:It was so fucked up.
Marc:I was at the comedy store, and I had no idea what a fist bump was.
Guest:What year was it?
Guest:Do you remember?
Marc:It was only a few years ago.
Guest:Oh.
Marc:And there's this guy Vargas.
Guest:You know Vargas?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Vargas Mason?
Marc:Yeah, Vargas Mason comes up to me.
Marc:He puts his fist out.
Marc:Put your fist out.
Marc:Here's what I did.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:A little on top and underneath thing.
Marc:That's a dap.
Marc:He looked at me like I was a fucking idiot.
Marc:And then I had to go up to another guy, and I go, what do you do when this guy does this?
Marc:He goes, you just bump it.
Marc:And I was like, I'm an idiot.
Marc:So I went back and found Vargas, and I said, do it again.
Marc:Boom.
Guest:How do you like that?
Guest:I'm a quick learner.
Guest:That's confusing because spatially, because this is like a punch.
Guest:That's a fist bump.
Guest:But he did this.
Guest:That's a dap in 94.
Guest:That could be easily confused if you haven't stayed up with what's going on with Digital Underground.
Marc:I don't get memos on this stuff.
Guest:In Vancouver?
Marc:Yes.
Guest:We did a show together in the Vancouver Comedy Fest.
Marc:I remember.
Marc:I closed after 900 comics went on.
Guest:And I was second to last.
Guest:Yeah, I remember.
Guest:I was right before you.
Marc:I fucking remember, dude.
Guest:And for lack of a better word, I killed.
Guest:It wasn't Netflix.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But I have a bit where I grew up in Las Vegas, and I have a bit where I talk about it, and there's some singing involved.
Marc:Yes, I remember.
Guest:And then you got on stage, and the first applause break you got, you went, please, no, I'm not black and I'm not singing.
Guest:And I was like, classic Marin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I've heard all about it on the podcast.
Guest:Finally, I've experienced this live.
Guest:And then did I apologize?
Guest:You apologized the next night by saying, are you going to do that singing bit?
Guest:Are you going to do that to your people?
Yeah.
Guest:And then I kind of gave you this look, and you were kind of like, I'm just kidding.
Marc:It was awesome.
Marc:So it was righteous and intentioned.
Guest:Yeah, fantastic.
Marc:You still doing the singing bit?
Guest:Not as much.
Guest:Now you're in my head, next to the Robber Baron.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:All right, Baron Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I'm moving down.
Marc:Goddamn, I love this next guest.
Marc:I saw her crossing the street in my neighborhood.
Marc:It was one of these weird things where I'm driving down New York, and literally it must have been a half a mile down the street, and it was undeniably Maria Bamford!
Yay!
Guest:Hi, Maria.
Guest:Hello, you guys are really fucking funny.
Guest:It's really fun.
Guest:Look at you.
Guest:Yeah, I got a flattening iron.
Guest:Feels good, feels different.
Guest:Feel empowered.
Marc:What does your hair do without it?
Guest:It's not as good.
It's not as good.
Marc:Like crazy?
Guest:You know, it's just too, you know, it's average, it's real, you know, it's real, and then you make this, and it's just like it's taken to the next level, man.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I read a lot of women's magazines.
Guest:They torture me with their tips.
Marc:It's pink in there.
Marc:I like it, man.
Guest:I fucking think it's great.
Guest:Thanks, man.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:Perfect.
Guest:Where you been?
Guest:Dap.
Guest:I have been to Atlanta, Laughing Skull, where they do 48 shows in four days, and you really learn, you grow as a comic.
Marc:Let me explain.
Marc:Laughing Skull Lounge is this hipster comedy room that they run like a regular comedy club, but it only seats like 70 people.
Marc:So you have to do like three shows on the Wednesday and two shows on Thursday.
Guest:To make enough money.
Marc:And on Sunday, you're even doing three shows.
Marc:Yeah, three shows.
Marc:And then when 12 people show up, the guy's like, good draw.
Marc:You did good.
Marc:Did you pack it out?
Guest:Some of the days, yeah.
Guest:Some of the days I did all right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, it felt good.
Marc:Do you like the South?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I don't really know the South very well.
Guest:I haven't played much of the South.
Guest:Is Atlanta the South even?
Marc:I would say yes.
Marc:I think it's categorically the South.
Guest:Because we're just in, you know, it doesn't seem like anything's happening too slow.
Marc:Well, how far did you try to go?
Guest:Well, I just went out into their fields of mansions.
Guest:Went out there.
Marc:The mansion fields?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What, they have old mansions?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:They're brand new.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:So the new plantations in the South.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, but they're making movies.
Guest:They're making wonderful Tyler Perry movies are being made.
Guest:But no, not as a plantation.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:She's right.
Marc:They make two Tyler Perry movies a day now.
Guest:I'm black and approve that joke.
Guest:Thank you!
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:So you saw Mansions, and apparently you saw the Tyler Perry studio.
Guest:No, I did not see that.
Guest:I met with my friend Bliss from high school.
Guest:Well, she told me a lot of things that I didn't realize were happening in high school.
Guest:Anyways, maybe it's too personal.
Guest:I shouldn't have told that story.
Guest:I can't start it.
Guest:I can't start it, Mark.
Marc:Listen, listen, Maria.
Marc:What do you say we go back and pretend like you didn't mention her name and then tell us what you learned about high school that you didn't know?
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:You're tricking me with your words.
Guest:Oh, I know.
Guest:I told my friend Jackie Cation that I wasn't going to say anything personal on this show.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:You made an agreement with Jackie Cation to not get personal on the show.
Guest:That's right.
Marc:Why would you say that?
Marc:How did that conversation even trend?
Guest:Because I was afraid.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:You just get out of control.
Guest:You get into, you know, Marc Maron.
Guest:You want to, like, connect.
Guest:You go, oh, he's neat.
Guest:I'll tell him my secrets.
Guest:Then you go, goddammit, Marc Maron!
Marc:And I go... No, I don't... We don't have to talk about secrets, but I mean, I had a hard time in high school, and I was just trying to see, you know, what your experience was, because I'm trying to picture you in high school.
Guest:Oh, is that the submarine?
Marc:Let's see if it's her.
Marc:Hold on.
Guest:Oh, it's your lady?
Guest:Or is she... She's an ex?
Marc:Yeah, she's definitely an ex, and I'm not contacting her, and I'm not responding to her texts, but I have not stopped looking at them.
Guest:Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Marc:Because I still get a buzz.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Do you ever do that, though?
Marc:Have you ever had no contact with an ex?
Guest:Yes, I have.
Guest:I have.
Guest:And it is hard because you still like the love.
Guest:And then sometimes you've got to switch your phone number.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Did you do that?
Guest:Yeah, sometimes.
Guest:Because then sometimes your ex has a mental illness which is similar, different from your own.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which makes it exciting.
Guest:Yes!
Guest:And...
Guest:So then they text, you know, like, I love you, I miss you, and fuck you, fucking cunt.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, wait a minute, I'm so confused.
Guest:Ow!
Guest:But the next text's not gonna be nice, you know?
Guest:The next one's gonna be a good, nice one.
Marc:Yeah, it's like a speedball.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, because I get, like, I miss holding your hand.
Guest:Right.
Marc:I miss the cats.
Marc:You're a selfish asshole.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:How did I let you break my heart like this?
Marc:How's Boomer?
Guest:Mm.
Marc:You didn't meet Boomer.
Marc:You haven't come to my house, even though I live like a block away from you.
Guest:What is that about?
Marc:We frighten each other.
Marc:Huh?
Guest:I don't know what your crossbreeds.
Marc:But high school, I don't know why I keep festering on it, because I try to understand.
Marc:Small high school, Minnesota.
Guest:Small high school.
Guest:It was great because I did have some anxiety problems and I think it was able to, because you go to small high school, everybody notices what you're doing.
Guest:Oh, you're sleeping all day.
Guest:What?
Guest:What's your problem?
Guest:I'm kind of exhausted.
Marc:Did you sleep in class?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I slept in class all the time.
Marc:I couldn't help it.
Marc:There's some classes where you're like, I can't even know.
Guest:Were you a sassy Cathy, though?
Guest:Did they say, hey, wake up, man?
Marc:Yeah, and then I'd go, fuck you!
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:No, I didn't do that.
Guest:I once said to one teacher.
Guest:I'd say, what?
Marc:And they'd laugh, because my face had all the weird prints on it.
Marc:And there'd be spit, and then I'd be sad.
Guest:I told one teacher that I wouldn't fall asleep if his teaching wasn't so boring.
Guest:Oh, I feel bad about it now.
Guest:It was bad.
Marc:Do you remember what class it was?
Guest:Yeah, it was history.
Guest:And he was genuinely, he was reading from the book.
Marc:Terrible.
Marc:How's the sing-alongs going?
Marc:Are they done?
Guest:I passed it off to a young lady.
Marc:Were you actually singing?
Guest:I was trying to produce a show.
Guest:It's very painful.
Guest:Because you have to organize everybody, and then you're responsible.
Guest:If I try to show in my neighborhood, what happens is that nobody comes.
Guest:And then you start to feel mad.
Guest:And then you tell a young lady about it as if it's an opportunity.
Guest:And you say, no, it's your show now.
Guest:It's your show.
Guest:And now it's a better show.
Guest:They change locations, and it's... It's better?
Guest:It's funner?
Guest:Yeah, we were at a coffee shop before where they charged me to rent it, and then they said they wouldn't serve us coffee during the show.
Guest:They said, oh...
Marc:That's not part of it.
Guest:They gave us a pitcher of ice water.
Guest:What the fuck is that?
Guest:I don't understand what was happening.
Marc:You should have earned free coffee.
Marc:Do you remember when he first started doing comedy and you could go back and squirt your own soda and that was the big payoff?
Marc:Like that?
Marc:Yeah, do you guys know?
Marc:Was that?
Guest:Kinda.
Marc:Maybe it's back in the day.
Marc:Kinda.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I don't think I've ever been able to do that.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:You can squirt your own soda, you just go back there?
Marc:Well, not behind a bar, but sometimes if you're working in a club for a while, you can just get the gun and go... I'm good.
Guest:Wouldn't they let you drink your own beer, too, when you were old enough?
Marc:Yeah, that was back in the day, yeah.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:I didn't mean to derail this with my nostalgia about fucking Sarsaparola machines.
Marc:I felt like Dustin Hoffman and Little Big Man being fascinated with the elephant head.
Guest:That reference was so complicated, no one fucking knows.
Marc:I'd sure like to try that machine, sir.
Marc:All right, the...
Marc:Oh, the impression helped?
Okay.
Guest:I just like commitment to a reference.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Full frontal.
Marc:I'm just mixing it up.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Are you dating anybody?
Guest:I'm dating on the internet.
Guest:I date on Match.com and eHerms.
Guest:Yes, I do, my friend.
Marc:You are too special for that.
Guest:That is what's keeping... I think that's a barrier to intimacy of thinking one is too special.
Guest:I can't date these humans.
Guest:They're disgusting with their skin and their lives.
Guest:No, but the thought...
Marc:I have you on a pedestal.
Marc:The thought of you dating regular people bothers me.
Marc:How do you go out with a person that just works?
Guest:They're pleasant.
Guest:Nice people.
Guest:They're steady, steady freddies.
Marc:But you're you.
Marc:When you date a regular guy, like, I work at a bank, but I find you interesting.
Guest:They're super interesting.
Guest:Have you ever found out what happens at a bank?
Guest:I'm not condescending.
Marc:It's just about her.
Marc:What?
Guest:There's a lot of stuff that goes down at a bank.
Marc:I don't have any problem with people who work at banks, but I just, I think you're, I don't know.
Marc:It's just, you're up here, and we're all down here.
Guest:Oh, no, no.
Guest:No, no, that's okay.
Guest:No, don't ruin it.
Guest:Don't ruin it.
Guest:You're alone if you're up there.
Guest:You gotta get, you know, I wanna be in the bank.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Maria Bamford, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:That's a good one.
Guest:That's another one.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:My next performer is someone I worked with in Albuquerque, New Mexico recently because he comes from there.
Marc:And he actually, like, I'm going to give him this weird sort of respectable intro because he fucking does something.
Marc:He's a fucking union organizer.
Marc:What?
Marc:Yep, they still exist.
Marc:NATO Green, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Oh, and a comic.
Marc:He's a comic.
Marc:I want to make it clear that you're a comic.
Marc:I did a show where it was just union organizers.
Guest:It was the weirdest.
Guest:I sang Joe Hill songs and cried and you told jokes.
Guest:How are you, man?
Guest:I'm good.
Guest:I'm from San Francisco, but my in-laws are from Albuquerque.
Marc:You don't have to dismiss my home state.
Guest:It's a shithole.
Guest:Kiss ass here.
Guest:Don't go there.
Marc:Avoid the people.
Marc:Now, I want to talk to you.
Marc:Now, some people get on my ass about, you know, politics because they're like, why aren't you more political anymore?
Marc:Because I'm disillusioned.
Marc:I don't give a fuck.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:I care a lot.
Marc:Too much.
Marc:And that's why I can't talk about it.
Marc:How was that for a rationalization?
Marc:Pretty good?
Guest:It works for all your fans.
Marc:No, but I want to have a discussion with you because you're a union organizer, which means you do something.
Marc:You're out there on the front lines being selfless, helping people get a working wage and insurance and respect.
Marc:And then you come out.
Marc:And then you, for some reason, there's some part of you that will never think you're a good person.
Marc:So you force yourself to do comedy.
Guest:Yes?
Guest:Agreed.
Guest:Okay, so here, let me reveal something.
Guest:I've been a union organizer for 13 years, and thank you, one person.
Guest:I'm involved with the labor movement.
Guest:It used to exist.
Guest:You can watch Matewan.
Guest:It's like that.
Guest:And, like, I have a passion for social justice.
Guest:I love being on picket lines.
Guest:I love, you know, when workers rise up and do stuff.
Guest:But it's also, like, it's not purely altruistic.
Guest:Also, like, I'm as fucked up as everybody else.
Guest:I don't think I'm a good person.
Marc:Do you say this when you're trying to lead people?
Marc:Yeah, it works great.
Guest:They're like, let's do this or not.
Guest:I don't know how I feel.
Guest:Follow me into therapy, everyone.
Guest:Because part of it is that I want to be a union organizer because I want to make a difference, but part of it is also that I want to be a union organizer.
Guest:The left attracts people who are motivated for politics out of spite.
Guest:I live my life like I want to get revenge on the world, and it's just the same as stand-up.
Guest:It's just one fucking...
Guest:Like, sometimes I feel like I just go from room to room and tell people things that they don't want to hear.
Guest:Like, we're going on strike, the Holocaust is funny.
Guest:Like, it's just one conversation to me.
Guest:It's not different activities.
Marc:I hope you don't mix up the rooms.
Marc:You would be... You know, I actually...
Marc:If you're talking to the nurses union, the Holocaust is hilarious.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:Wrong night.
Marc:I blacked out.
Marc:I forgot what place it was.
Marc:Oh, you're a nurse.
Marc:The Holocaust is funny.
Marc:That's coming from a hospital professional.
Marc:I agree with you.
Marc:If you frame it properly, it's hilarious.
Guest:What's the matter?
Guest:How can we unionize comedians?
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:It requires providing a service of value.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:They tried to unionize in New York.
Guest:I was there.
Guest:Well, no, here's what happens with the media.
Marc:Yeah, but they actually made
Marc:some progress in the sense that they were able to get a consistent wage for the weekend spots in New York City.
Marc:Because some clubs were paying like $25 and then other clubs were paying $75 and now what is it?
Marc:$75 for everybody.
Marc:But the problem with comedians is that no matter how much you unionize them, if they ain't working much or they're trying to get famous, they will do anything anywhere for food.
Marc:It doesn't fucking matter.
Marc:They will scab themselves out for a fucking buffet.
Guest:A lot of the bad comedians who are really bad then they're horrible and they suck.
Guest:They don't earn anything.
Guest:Oh, wow.
Guest:That's crazy.
Guest:Until we get to a position where they get to put their stuff on YouTube also with the cat falls in the toilet, we're not going to have a comedy revolution.
Guest:And I just want to say something here.
Marc:Wait, so your point is that... Let's go.
Marc:Rise up, everybody.
Guest:They want people to be good now.
Guest:That's the way the system is.
Guest:You're saying that... It's about being good and talented.
Guest:That's bullshit, man.
Guest:That's fucking bullshit.
Guest:That's all I want to say.
Guest:It's on fire.
Guest:It's on fire.
Guest:I didn't say it.
Guest:It's coming out of this state.
Guest:This is what I have to say about comedians unionizing.
Guest:Because when comics find out that I've done this, people are like, oh, you should unionize comedians.
Guest:I'm like, no, what you need is not a union.
Guest:You need some basic negotiation skills and financial management kind of things.
Guest:Start with learning how to balance your checkbook and then talk to me about whether you need a union.
Marc:Balancing a checkbook?
Marc:How about laundry and stuff?
Guest:How about laundry?
Guest:Doing your own laundry.
Marc:How about cooking your own meals?
Marc:That kind of stuff?
Marc:Now you're just showing off.
Marc:No, I know what you mean.
Marc:We live like fucking mentally challenged adolescents.
Guest:I wasn't going to say it, but since you brought it up.
Marc:What?
Marc:No, but we used to, didn't you ever?
Marc:No, I mean... You always cleaned up after yourself and things?
Guest:I've been fairly clean.
Marc:Alright, Maria's an exception.
Marc:She can unionize.
Marc:The union of one.
Marc:A single spark can start a prairie fire.
Marc:I read that somewhere.
Marc:So, now, okay, so what's the condition of the left?
Marc:Can we just check in with the left, please, and tell me what's wrong?
Guest:Yeah, and so, for people on the left, and if you ended up here and you're not on the left, you're about to hear some Jews saying big words, and it's not for you.
Guest:Um...
Guest:And you can go ahead and fucking black out or whatever, because we're not talking to you.
Guest:But I think the left is not, and by left I mean anyone to the left politically of Al Gore.
Guest:I'm not talking about communists, I'm just talking about people who don't believe that corporations should rule every part of our lives.
Guest:That's the people I'm talking about.
Guest:And the reason that we're losing is because we're irritating.
Guest:I think we have to come to terms with that fact that we're a bunch of petty whiners and we're irritating, and we come here... But we're also fragmented, right?
Marc:Because there are people within that left that say the vegans that think that everything will be okay if cows, you know, stopped farting and they wouldn't, you know, make so many cows for meat consumption.
Marc:Those kind of people.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I mean, people are fixated on their own issue.
Guest:People will come up and fuck with you about, like, I know you're fighting for universal health care, but really the issue is that the income tax is illegal and unconstitutional, and we need to fight for that.
Guest:And, like, look around San Francisco.
Guest:No wonder the rest of the country wants to flock to us, because half of the people who live in San Francisco seem like we've been molested.
Marc:Like, can we just... Well, I think that's an accurate number, actually.
LAUGHTER
Marc:We really want to break down the psychology of shit.
Guest:With the kind of shape that we're in.
Guest:I was in Berkeley recently, supposedly the most tolerant place in the fucking world, and where it's encouraged to plot to overthrow the government, but you can't drive around the block.
Guest:And I was like, can someone fucking blow up Berkeley?
Guest:I hate these people.
Guest:I want the streets to run with the blood of Prius drivers.
Guest:This is horrible.
Guest:No one wants to be with us.
Guest:To paraphrase Marx's thesis on Feuerbach... Hold on, let me get a pen.
Guest:Philosophers have only interpreted the world, but the point is to tell dick jokes about it.
Guest:To paraphrase Emma Goldman, if I can't tell dick jokes, I want no part of your revolution.
Guest:To paraphrase James Baldwin, the purpose of art is to lay bare the questions that have been hidden by the answers in the dick jokes.
Guest:Let's get on with it, the left.
Guest:NATO Green, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Good job.
Marc:Yeah, go ahead.
Marc:Keep moving down.
Marc:We're going to run out of mics, but that's all right.
Marc:Now we have someone else I added to the show because we had an issue on Twitter.
Marc:Please welcome the man who brings you the Kamau Bell curve.
Marc:Kamau Bell, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Kamau Bell.
Marc:Now those of you who listen to the podcast, remember...
Marc:For those of you listening at home, I fist bumped.
Marc:A little delayed, but we did it.
Marc:And there was no pause, no awkwardness between the white man and the black man.
Marc:That's your opinion.
Marc:You're supposed to say, why are we going to make it about that now?
Guest:Okay, why are we going to make it about that now?
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Now, I had Kamau on with Dwayne Kennedy to have a frank and open discussion about race and comedy, and I thought it was a very nice and intimate conversation.
Marc:It was great.
Marc:It was great.
Guest:I still hear good comments on it.
Marc:Okay, but then you tweeted, no less than two weeks ago, when are you going to have me on again to talk about something other than being black?
Guest:Well, that makes it sound like that I just, out of nowhere, I just went on Twitter and was like, time to take Maren down.
Guest:That's not exactly, you were soliciting suggestions for future guests.
Marc:But then I wrote, tweeted back, isn't that all you talk about?
Guest:See, they've turned on you.
Marc:No, they're not familiar with your show.
Marc:Every time I've seen you, you've talked about that.
Marc:I'm more than happy to talk about films.
Guest:Would you like to... Yeah, I mean, no, here's the deal.
Guest:I did your show.
Guest:I had a good time on your show.
Guest:I was honored to do the show.
Guest:I was in the early episodes that are now the premium episodes.
Guest:And I was one of the black guys on the WTF.
Guest:Oh, yeah, well...
Guest:That was the correct execution.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:The timing was impeccable.
Guest:It was awesome.
Marc:No, so I was on WTN.
Marc:I have a list of black people I'm contacting.
Marc:I've recently been in touch with Franklin and Jai.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:You went old school.
Guest:No, I had a good time.
Guest:It's just that I listened to the podcast and it's all these people telling their life stories.
Guest:And I was like, man, I would have liked to have been able to talk about where I came from.
Guest:But all I got was, what do you think about black people?
Marc:I guess what happened was, if I could explain it, is that I saw your show and it was all about where you came from.
Marc:And I don't know if you've watched your show, but the theme is black people.
Guest:Am I wrong?
Guest:No, the theme is racism and you interpret it as being black people because you only see racism affecting black people.
Guest:No, I saw your show.
Guest:It was about racism and black people because you're... No, the show is the W. Kamau Bell Curve ending racism in about an hour, not ending black people in about an hour.
Guest:I talked about Chinese people, Indian people.
Guest:I even talked about white people, weirdly.
Guest:Because when you talk about racism, you've got to get around white people.
Marc:But how much did you really talk about Chinese people?
Marc:Because I would have remembered that.
Guest:I don't have a percentage.
Guest:I did talk about Chinese people.
Marc:You don't have a percentage, but you're dismissing my assessment of your show?
Guest:I've done my show a few times.
Marc:So you don't know how long you've managed to talk about it?
Guest:I talked about in South Africa how Chinese people have been reclassified as black.
Marc:Oh, so you did one joke about Chinese people.
Guest:Yeah, I did one.
Marc:How about the Indian?
Guest:I did one joke about Indian people.
Marc:So it's mostly about black people and racism, right?
Guest:Well, as it turns out, in America, racism's got... You have to talk about black people to talk about racism.
Marc:I wasn't accusing you of anything.
Marc:No, no, you made me feel like I was dismissing something, and I don't want it to be tense.
Marc:Because this isn't racial tension.
Marc:I'm uncomfortable with you, Kamau.
Marc:It's just...
Guest:I really work to be... I'm really working to try to be your friend.
Guest:I really... We are friends!
Marc:And then you come out here and then you... No, I'm not trying to pull... Now you're going to check your phone?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I'm going to read a text from you.
Guest:What, are you going to tweet me?
Guest:Now I'm going to read a text from you.
Marc:Oh, why don't you read the nice email I wrote you after the show instead of a text that's going to make me look like an asshole.
Guest:I don't have that email anymore.
Marc:Yeah, I bet you don't.
Guest:The email that said... No, it wasn't an email.
Guest:It was a Facebook comment that I asked if I could quote.
Guest:The one about, I like your show, the fact that you're black really works well for it.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Can we technically call that a nice email?
Guest:I mean, I use it.
Guest:It's in my press kit.
Guest:It's funny.
Guest:It is funny.
Guest:I thought it was hilarious.
Guest:I'll have you on anytime.
Guest:I have no problem.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:I feel like I got grandfathered into being your friend because I'm like the last San Francisco comic that you know who still lives here.
Marc:What do you mean, grandfather?
Guest:No, no, no, I just mean, like, I used to come trying to hang out with Jim Short, who you're friends with, and so I feel like I really am, like, I work hard to be your friend.
Guest:Not work hard, but I really want to be your friend, and so I'm excited to, you know, I'm not trying to, yeah, I'm not trying to, I love you.
Guest:I love you, too.
Guest:Why don't you sing, Baron?
Guest:I was going to do it, too.
Guest:I was going to do it.
Guest:And then I pictured Kamau on one side of my brain and my grandmother on the other side just shaking her head.
Guest:And now the microphone goes down.
Marc:I didn't mean it in a racial way again.
Marc:See, I'm being misunderstood here.
Marc:It was a callback to a joke we did earlier.
Marc:Now, I just want to say this, Kamau.
Marc:I consider you my friend.
Marc:And you can come to the garage anytime.
Marc:We can hang out.
Marc:You just call me up.
Marc:We'll go get Mexican food and talk about them.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Sounds good.
Marc:Okay, Kamau Bell, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Hey, uh... What?
Guest:Do you want me to go?
Guest:Because there's no more chairs, man.
Marc:No, you just can't.
Marc:It's just like if you need to comment, you're going to have to huddle around the mic.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to bring a man to the stage.
Marc:I saw this guy before he got here.
Marc:I love him.
Marc:Please welcome Bobcat Goldthwait to the stage.
Marc:Hello.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:Oh, the Jews, right?
Guest:No, we have a full palette here.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:People always are confused by what race I am.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:What are you?
Guest:Well, the name is Welsh, but this holiday season, this woman clearly was trying to fish to see if she could invite me to her Hanukkah party.
Guest:And she's like going, Gulfway.
Guest:Do you know what I mean?
Guest:I get that all the time.
Guest:Hmm, what is your last name?
Guest:That's what I get.
Guest:And one woman says, what is your last name?
Guest:What is it?
Guest:I go, Hitler.
Guest:And...
Guest:That's a true story.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:It's great to be here.
Guest:My cat is named Squeaky Fromm.
Guest:I have a cat named Squeaky Fromm.
Guest:I have Squeaky Fromm, Peeps LaRue, the widow Madeline Perman, her husband died in the war, don't bring it up, and the detective Carla Whiskerson.
Marc:Now, what do you call them around the house, though?
Guest:Oh, the detective.
Guest:Hey, she didn't go to Cat Police Academy to... Oh, I didn't mean to say that.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Oh.
Guest:We had a very interesting question.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:It's so sweet, but we were talking about selling out, and I'm like, I'm the dude from Police Academy.
Guest:I think you got up easy with Target commercials.
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Guest:You know, don't worry about it.
Marc:I'd just like to say that I thought Maria was wonderful on those Target commercials.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I thought she owned it and made them her own.
Guest:Yeah, I mean... I'm redecorating my house in shades of gray.
Guest:You know, you can't really pick how you're going to be remembered.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like, I could cure AIDS, and my obit photo is going to be me in a uniform, you know?
Marc:You know what's weird, though?
Marc:But I no longer really associate you with that anymore.
Guest:I don't either, but... But you know what's weird?
Guest:Four or five douchebags every day do.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:Sure, of course.
Guest:Why do you think I look like I'm like this now?
Guest:I look like a cabbie.
Guest:You know, I look like... You're hiding another guy?
Guest:Yeah, I'm like... Oh, I hate that Bob Scratch Goldfarb.
Guest:Isn't he dead?
Yeah.
Guest:I actually get that a lot.
Guest:People think I'm dead all the time.
Marc:And what do you say?
Marc:Do they actually come up, I thought you were dead?
Guest:Yeah, it's such a, you know, there's nothing to say.
Guest:If you do that, they think you're, you know, you're doing your own thing.
Guest:I actually do get like, oh my God, I had a kid go, oh my God, Sam Kinison.
Guest:And, uh,
Guest:And I'm like, I don't give a fuck enough about this kid to straighten this out.
Guest:So I just signed the autograph.
Guest:Best wishes.
Guest:Oh, oh, oh.
Guest:The best part of that story is I wasn't around to see the end of it when he's like, dude, I just met Sam Kinison.
Guest:He's like, he's dead, man.
Guest:Our orange Julius is haunted, man.
Marc:So, yeah.
Marc:It's so wild that you can almost, the way you can drop back into it, like it's an instrument.
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Marc:Like it's like ingrained in there.
Guest:And I don't really do it.
Guest:I do it for like mentally challenged people if they ask for it and kids.
Guest:And when I was single, women, you know what I mean?
Guest:Like I would be talking to someone dumb as a door handle and I'd be like... But just that much of it?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Just give them a taste, you know.
Yeah.
Guest:You know I drag films now.
Guest:You know, trying any of that works.
Guest:Now, I went back to Albuquerque to see my in-laws.
Marc:Everyone's going back to Albuquerque.
Guest:It's beautiful.
Guest:My new wife, the 09, she...
Guest:She's a good year, good year.
Guest:By the way, she went on, this sounds like routines, but she went on, which one of those, is it E Harmony?
Guest:Which one's the Jesus one?
Guest:E Harmony.
Guest:E Harmony.
Guest:That's a Jesus one?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:She went on.
Guest:They say any religion, but the initial, the band, they didn't have any gay or bisexual or transgender dating.
Guest:Now they have a separate site called.
Guest:Fuck who you want.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:They won't let dykes like me marry.
Guest:So she went on that, and they said that there's no one compatible for it.
Guest:This is true.
Guest:And I'm like, bam, I'm in.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And this is another true story.
Guest:I try not to sound like I'm doing bits, but it's true.
Guest:We're flying back.
Guest:You can do bits.
Guest:And we're really quiet.
Guest:I get really quiet in the TSA line.
Guest:And she's like, this is a true story.
Guest:She's like, what are you doing?
Guest:I go, I'm getting an erection.
Guest:because I thought it'd be funny if they felt me down to have a hard-on.
Guest:And she goes, I go, don't talk to me.
Guest:And I'm like, well, talk to me.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:And so... Let me see your cans.
Guest:So...
Guest:By the way, this is the first story that I've told that my daughter was like, I'm out.
Guest:So, you know, you don't want to think about your dad getting wood.
Guest:So I'm sitting there, and I actually worked up a hard-on in line at the Burbank airport.
Guest:And then the guy goes to me.
Guest:He goes, hi, hello, how are you, Mr. Goldthwait?
Guest:Like, he recognized me, and he was really friendly.
Guest:And my hard-on went away immediately.
Guest:And I was like, wow, if I was going to have gay sex, it'd have to be a grudge fuck.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:I'd have to hate the guy.
Guest:Because if he was friendly, the boner just went.
Guest:That's not even the whole story, because I'm sitting there all quiet.
Guest:You did fuck him?
Guest:No, she goes, don't pee on the TSA.
Guest:I go, I'm not, I'm not.
Guest:I'm trying to get a heart out.
Guest:And then she goes, I don't think anyone else is having this conversation in line.
Marc:Or in the world, perhaps, at that moment.
Guest:But so I was, and this is a true story, I was in Utah and I was doing stand-up.
Guest:Now, you can't get mad, like, you know what I mean?
Guest:Wise guys?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you can't get mad at the Mormons when you're there.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It's like people going, oh, this monkey, it just bit me in the face.
Guest:And, you know, and I almost died.
Guest:It's like, well, oh my God, how'd that happen?
Guest:Well, I was taking a bubble bath with the monkey.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:and I gave it red wine.
Guest:It's like, well, you know, go fuck yourself.
Guest:So, you know, I'm in Utah, so I'm actually in the monkey cage, right?
Guest:In the Mormon monkey cage.
Guest:So I can't get mad at the Mormons, but I do have big resentments towards them.
Guest:So I'm on stage, and what bothered me was the other comedians were all Mormon, and they would go, and I'm looking over there, and I'd say, what the frick?
Guest:Like, they wouldn't curse.
Guest:And it was like four shows of guys not cursing, which is very infantile, you know, very juvenile.
Guest:And I'm looking over, cheese and crackers and gosh darn, and some big ditch, you know, with all these make them curse words.
Guest:And I get on stage and I go, hey, the word fuck is really sacred to me.
Guest:So say it or don't, but don't abuse the privilege.
Guest:And here's why I lost him.
Guest:I said, okay, let's pretend there is a God.
Guest:And that wasn't the noise they made.
Guest:It was like, and...
Marc:Did you feel the vacuum in the room?
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:The staff got me, too.
Guest:I go, do you really think he's up in heaven or Narnia or whatever, make him up fucking land you people believe in, wondering who's saying frick and who's wearing magic underpants?
Guest:But, um...
Marc:I actually did a show at a Chabad in Salt Lake City, Utah, and it was the most frightened community of Jews I've ever seen in my life.
Marc:They were like, we live in a theocracy.
Marc:It was one of those moments where you're like, why don't you go?
Guest:Yeah, there's no wall.
Guest:Yeah, just fucking leave.
Guest:Because they're self-loathing.
Marc:Yeah, of course.
Marc:Let me tell you about... Can I just tell you something before we... Like, the first time I saw you, I just wanted to bring this up, and I want to know if you remembered it.
Marc:I was in college at Boston University.
Marc:I went to Stitch's Comedy Club.
Marc:All right, you remember?
Marc:On Commonwealth Avenue.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Marc:You hadn't left Boston yet, and you had a garage sale on the stage of Stitch's Comedy Club.
Guest:Yeah, I stole all my stuff.
Marc:You brought your shit to the show, and that was... That really was my shit.
Guest:And up and down the street, there were signs that said, free coffee, comedy show.
Marc:Yeah, and...
Marc:And you sold all your shit, and that was the first time I saw you, and then you left.
Guest:I remember doing a show with you in Hyannis, and it was one of the worst shows ever.
Guest:This drunk wedding party came on, and you were going, hey, could you be quiet?
Guest:And the woman was like, I am quiet.
Guest:Well, just by the fact you're saying that you're quiet, you're not quiet.
Guest:Okay, I'm not going to... It was this Pandora's box, this giant...
Guest:It was like a scab on an artery that you had ripped off.
Guest:And this lady, everything you said, right?
Guest:And it was terrible.
Guest:So the police actually came and arrested the wedding couple who were in the audience.
Guest:And the cop goes, the guy goes, you can't arrest me.
Guest:I know my rights.
Guest:And the cop goes, you got the right to shut the fuck up.
Guest:And he's...
Guest:handcuffing the guy and get in the car.
Guest:And then Tony V went on after you and goes, is there any newlyweds in the audience?
Guest:That was...
Marc:I'm just sitting here listening to you thinking, like, how is that not my story?
Guest:Yeah, it is your story.
Marc:I know, I know you remember it.
Guest:I was doing a gig once, this was really a long time ago, outside of Atlanta, and Dennis Miller, this is how long ago it was, Dennis Miller was my opening act, and he was a Democrat.
Guest:That's a long fucking time ago.
Guest:You know, he didn't jump teams.
Guest:Where's the money?
Guest:More money and fear.
Guest:All right, so, um... So, uh... It's in Atlanta, and I'm on stage, and the whole set, it's like 4,000 people.
Guest:And the whole show, free bird!
Guest:Free bird!
Guest:Right, and, um... And I'm doing jokes, trying to get these guys to stop yelling free bird, but free bird!
Guest:And, um... And then finally I just snap.
Guest:I go, listen, you ignorant crackers.
Guest:Uh...
Guest:Leonard Skinner's dead.
Guest:If they were here, they couldn't do the show.
Guest:You know why?
Guest:Because they're dead.
Guest:They're dead.
Guest:They're dead.
Guest:There's no chicken in the breadbasket picking out dough.
Guest:The South's not going to rise again.
Guest:The war's over.
Guest:You fucking lost.
Guest:And Leonard Skinner's dead.
Guest:And it's a true story.
Guest:And then I look at the bottom of the stage and these woolly biker guys are climbing up onto the stage and nobody stops them.
Guest:I look at security and it's surviving members of Leonard Skinner's.
Guest:They were on tour.
Guest:They had laminated passes.
Guest:Leonard Skinner, 87.
Guest:And I was like, I just go, it was the first time I ever used my real voice on stage.
Guest:I just go, I go, Tony, get the car.
Guest:They're like, we're not dead, man.
Marc:Can I ask you if this is true?
Marc:I'm not going to try to derail anything.
Marc:Did this happen or did it not happen?
Marc:That when you got Letterman,
Marc:All right, this is a little inside baseball, so excuse me.
Marc:When you got Letterman, did Lenny Clark slam you up against the wall and say, it's not your turn?
Guest:Well, I don't know if we actually... In Lenny's defense, we are friends.
Guest:He's a very sweet guy.
Guest:But...
Guest:Well, there was this thing about, like, I was 20 when I got on Letterman.
Guest:And these guys have been doing comedy.
Guest:I moved to Boston and get on Letterman right away.
Guest:And I can understand why they had a problem with it.
Guest:But, yeah, Lenny was under the impression that there was some sort of, you know, show business was based on, I don't know, age and merit.
Guest:And, you know, it's not your fucking turn.
Guest:It's not your fucking turn.
Guest:And then he said something about, I love my mother.
Guest:Why aren't I on Letterman?
Guest:And I was like...
Guest:You know what's really funny is like how competitive everybody is and then like 20 years go by and you're... And then we're all here just... Well, this is a nice gig, but like, you know what I mean?
Guest:I remember like being envious of Kevin Pollack's career at one point and then I just look at, you know, the flyer in some shithole.
Guest:Next week, Kevin Pollack.
Guest:I go, hey man, we're all on the same fucking bus.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It ebbs and flows.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's easy for me.
Guest:Once my ex and I were watching... Which one?
Guest:I didn't marry this one.
Guest:I was engaged for five and a half years.
Guest:I messed that up because I wanted a small wedding and she wanted to bang other dudes.
Guest:And...
Guest:So she married Jay Moore, so I win.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, whatever.
Guest:That's the truth.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:You guys get along at all?
Guest:Do we get along?
Guest:No, he crank calls the clubs I play at.
Guest:No, he does not.
Guest:Yeah, he does.
Guest:He orders a table, and then he cancels at the last minute.
Marc:On purpose when it's not enough that he's fucking, you know... I don't know, why doesn't he write some jokes or something, you know?
Marc:What a fucking douchebag.
Guest:I wish I had that much time.
Guest:By the way, and this isn't me self-loathing, there's always plenty of seats at a Bobcat Goldthwait show in 2011.
Guest:He's not really fucking up the numbers, you know?
Guest:There's plenty of parking, you know what I mean?
Guest:Um...
Guest:So, yeah, isn't that funny?
Guest:Yeah, so, whatever.
Guest:So I shouldn't talk about them because they got mad when I talked about them.
Marc:Jay Moore got mad when he talked about them?
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:He didn't call me.
Guest:Whatever.
Marc:He just... We're all friends, right?
Guest:Yeah, but, you know, she kind of said this.
Guest:They say it's not a love letter, but she did use her code for I love you in this letter.
Guest:I was in a hotel.
Guest:Wise guys, right?
Guest:Yeah, Utah.
Guest:Utah.
Guest:And they call up and they go, can you come to the front desk?
Guest:And I go, oh, fuck, my credit card bounced again.
Guest:And it was this weird love letter from my ex.
Guest:She said it wasn't a love letter, but she's using her code for I love you and the name I used when we got engaged and that she misses me and all this crap.
Guest:So a little buyer's remorse is what I'm saying.
Guest:It's really weird when your ex moves on to another comedian.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You're like, hey, I can do impressions.
You know.
Guest:I can do walking.
Guest:I know it's a little played out, but I can do it.
Wow.
Guest:So I wish them all the luck and love and all the stuff that they deserve.
Marc:I'm not bitter, though.
Marc:No, I can hear that.
Guest:But I'll tell you, 09 was not very happy when my ex did that.
Marc:Why?
Marc:Oh, when she wrote you the letter.
Guest:She just got mad, you know?
Guest:Rightly so.
Marc:Yeah, you're lucky.
Marc:My ex has forgotten about me entirely.
Guest:But does that bother you, or is that... Every day it bothers me.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:Sure, why not?
Marc:What else do I have to do?
Marc:Reserve tables at your shows?
Guest:To me, an ex is, like, dead to me.
Guest:Like, boom.
Marc:I'm just, I'm sitting here wishing that my ex would just text me so I could feel like I have some control over her life still.
Marc:Is that the wrong... Isn't that love?
Guest:Yeah, that sounds super healthy.
Marc:Oh, I'm sorry.
Marc:Do you know what show you're on?
Marc:The...
Marc:You got healthy, though.
Marc:How long have you been sober?
Guest:Well, I don't ever talk about it because I never consider it an achievement.
Marc:Is that out of humility?
Guest:No, no, no, because I don't want to be an example of sobriety.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You don't want to go, well, I'm not going to get sober.
Guest:Look at that asshole Goldthwait.
Guest:He's sober, and he said, tonight's on fire.
Guest:Yeah, that sounds...
Guest:That sounds like a really good thing to do.
Guest:But I haven't had a drink or a drug since I was 19.
Guest:So, yeah, it's like 30 years.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But, you know, boo!
Guest:See, but that's why I don't talk about it.
Guest:You know, go get fucked up, you know?
Guest:I don't, you know, I'm not a spokesperson for it.
Guest:I encourage it.
Marc:Do you ever find yourself that, like, because I find myself, like, even though I haven't drank or used drugs in 11 years,
Marc:I can still get high.
Marc:Like, right now, I have two nicotine patches on to get off nicotine lozenges.
Marc:Right.
Guest:That's the truth, by the way.
Marc:It is the truth.
Marc:And if I drink espresso and eat a candy bar and jerk off, I mean, you can get...
Marc:At the same time?
Marc:No, one after the other in rapid procession.
Guest:I can't masticate and masturbate.
Guest:I am not a multitasker.
Marc:Oh, this is a good candy bar.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But did you just experience what that would feel like?
Guest:I think it's funny how my sex drive, I don't know what that is, but it's really going.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, man.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:I'm 48, but it's just like, I don't know.
Marc:Mine is so not going.
Guest:Really?
Marc:What do you mean?
Guest:It's just, well, I don't know.
Marc:Is it like a phantom limb?
Marc:Like, oh, oh, mistake.
Guest:Yeah, it's a little bit like an appendix at this point.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:Because when you're a young man, just driving, I get a hard on.
Guest:And now it's just kind of like, are you up for it?
Guest:And it's like, nah, fuck it, let's just hang out.
Guest:Um...
Guest:Let's go read Pop Eater.
Marc:But yet you were able to get a heart on the TSA line.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It's all about... I had a young woman, this is a true story, a drunk woman, young, and she was flirting with me after a show, and she said, if you...
Guest:if you came home with me right now, I'd fuck you all night.
Guest:Now, actually, that's not really flirting.
Guest:That's a Hail Mary pass, right?
Guest:It's just like, so, this is true.
Guest:And she goes, I'd fuck you all night.
Guest:And I'm supposed to go, oh, like, that's awesome.
Guest:But I'm like going, oh, that sounds horrible.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Like,
Guest:I would fuck you all night?
Guest:I'm like, just me?
Guest:Really?
Guest:I would... Jesus Christ, that sounds terrible.
Guest:Like, if she said, I would fuck you once and then spoon, I'd be like, hmm.
Guest:You know?
Guest:All right.
Guest:I'll fuck you once, spoon, and then make you a low-sodium breakfast.
Guest:I'd be like, you know, that might test the bounds of my matrimony, you know?
Guest:But, uh... Yeah.
Guest:I, uh...
Guest:I know that sounds really weird.
Marc:Well, I think as a testament to your sensitivity as a man, none of the options were fuck you all night and then leave, which I think speaks a lot about who you are, and I think that's sweet.
Guest:Yeah, well, you know, I don't talk about that that much, but I think I'm a cuddler.
I am.
Guest:That's why I like cats, you know?
Guest:I rescued three cats this year, and my wife calls me the Schindler of cats, you know?
Marc:I love cats.
Marc:I have three cats.
Guest:She's like, don't bring them home, you know, every time, you know, whatever.
Guest:Squeaky Fram I found on a soundstage in Hollywood.
Guest:She was living
Marc:in a hole oh yeah yeah and she came out she's all dirty and uh just like the real squeaky from she was like a redhead and sketchy yeah fucking nuts and i was like all right let's squeaky from yeah i have like i have the three cats that i have and then there's all these ones that like i have a very sort of dysfunctional relationship with i've entitled strays you know the strays that you're like i'm not giving you the fucking good food you know that's for boomer
Marc:And then they just sit there with that face like, you know, we're here.
Marc:When's this going to happen?
Marc:I'm like, fuck you.
Marc:It's not my job to take care of you.
Marc:I didn't cause it.
Marc:I can't control it.
Marc:True.
Marc:I can't cure it.
Guest:You put it on the dashboard.
Guest:You need to put that over your cat toys.
Guest:I actually, I was taking my walk at night, and there's signs up in the neighborhood for this missing cat, Charlie.
Guest:And so I'm like, I'm going to find Charlie.
Guest:And I made that my job every night.
Guest:So I see this cat on this lawn.
Guest:I pick it up, and I knock on the door, and I see this woman turning her lights off.
Guest:So I'm carrying this cat, and then I'm like, maybe this isn't Charlie.
Guest:And I...
Guest:I walked about a quarter of a mile, and there's Charlie's poster, and I'm like, fuck, that's not Charlie at all.
Guest:It had these different markets.
Guest:You stole a cat.
Guest:Yeah, I stole a cat, so I had to go back to the house, and I'm covered in fur, and I put the cat out, and I knocked on the door, and I took off, like she's going to think this cat was knocking on the door, like...
Guest:Where were you?
Guest:It's like, I got a really fucking weird story, man.
Guest:You remember that dude from Police Academy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Bobby Goldthwait, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Maria Bamford.
Guest:Baron Vaughn.
Guest:Will Franken.
Guest:Nate O'Green.
Guest:And my new best friend, W. Kamau Bell.
Thank you.
you