Episode 134 - Erin Foley, Jon Daly, Jim Earl, Eddie Pepitone & Dr. Steve
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Yeah!
Guest:All right, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, what the fuck, Nick.
Guest:Welcome to live what the fuck at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, California.
Guest:Turn on those lights, Jimmy.
Guest:No lights?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Aw, shit.
Guest:Thanks for coming, good to see you.
Guest:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:All right, fade it out.
Marc:Wow, that was awkward.
Marc:I was in the dark there for half my life.
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:Let's do this up front.
Marc:Panicking.
Marc:This is WTF Live at the UCB Theater here in Hollywood, California.
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:Oh, fuck, I went to my first voice lesson.
Marc:Some fan of WTF bought me voice coaching.
Marc:No, it was supposed to be a nice thing, not a slight.
Marc:You guys are like, aha, what a dick.
Marc:No, he was moved by my musical episode and said, I think it would change your life if you go this voice coach.
Marc:So I was very excited.
Marc:I didn't know what to expect.
Marc:And I went to the guy, I set up the appointment, and it's a little cramped office.
Marc:He's a sort of squat Asian man.
Marc:It's just him behind a piano, and there's a microphone, and he's just like, okay, let's begin.
Marc:I'm like, what does that even mean?
Marc:What do you mean begin?
Marc:He goes, and he teaches me how to breathe.
Marc:Do you know how to breathe properly from your diaphragm?
Marc:Do you know you're supposed to push out when you breathe in?
Marc:He's got me in there, and I'm so vulnerable and open, because I figure, what have I got to lose?
Marc:I'm here to learn.
Marc:But he's like, all right, now, when you breathe in, push out.
Marc:That's hard to, like, like, you know, I'm squinching up like this.
Marc:And then he goes, in the middle of it, push out sound.
Marc:So I'm like, ah!
Ah!
Marc:And he goes, good.
Marc:And I'm like, don't fuck with me.
Marc:You know, if we're going to do this, be honest with me.
Marc:And then he starts explaining to me about falsetto and how it was a little racist, a little bit.
Marc:He...
Marc:He did a... He was.
Marc:He goes, like, most white people and white men don't have a strong falsetto, which is the upper end of the vocal cords, because they don't use it.
Marc:And he goes, in other cultures, like Italians or black people, for instance, they have a very strong falsetto because they use it.
Marc:He does something like this.
Marc:He goes, how you doing?
Marc:He literally did that.
Marc:He's like, what's going on with you?
Marc:And then he says, I want you, I don't have another lesson set up, but he says, I want you to use your falsetto.
Marc:Whenever you have an opportunity, use your falsetto.
Marc:And I'm like, what does that even mean?
Marc:Am I supposed to do my show like, hello, WTF?
Marc:But it was, you know, breathing from your diaphragm can get, have you, like when I first started doing it, I felt like crying a little bit, but I thought that'd be inappropriate.
Marc:Oh, because you'll throw up, which is not part of the performance, unless you're doing that kind of show.
Marc:So what have we got?
Marc:Do we have business at hand?
Marc:We have a great show.
Marc:We've got Aaron Foley here.
Marc:John Daly is here.
Marc:Jim Earl is here.
Marc:The wonderful Eddie Pepitone is here.
Marc:And then I'm going to bring out a surprise for Eddie Pepitone that we'll get to in a minute.
Marc:Should I show you the records I bought?
Marc:Oh, wait, let's do this first.
Marc:I'm so excited.
Marc:I have the new shirts here.
Marc:Look, look at this shit, man.
Marc:This is a new official What the Fuck shirt right there.
Marc:That's a large.
Marc:That's a large.
Marc:Oh, relax.
Marc:I actually have them for sale, but not because I'm selling merch here, but because I went to pick them up and they were in the car and I said, why not sell merch here?
Marc:And I usually reserve them to be aggravated over in my garage and wonder why I didn't fucking order enough and I make people wait three weeks for their goddamn t-shirts until they politely email me and go, I was just wondering, you know, I bought a shirt and then I have to go, oh, I'm a fucking idiot douchebag.
Marc:I'll get that to you when I figure out how to fucking run a business.
Marc:And this is, of course, the cat shirt.
Marc:And that's from right to left.
Marc:That's Monkey.
Marc:It's Monkey in blackface, which is inappropriate because he's actually orange and white.
Marc:That's me, of course, and that's Fonda and Boomer.
Marc:See that?
Marc:That's a large as well, and it's going over there.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I was...
Marc:But they're for sale out there.
Marc:They're $20 apiece.
Marc:And that includes shipping from the desk to you right there.
Marc:So let's read some emails.
Marc:Do I have anything I want to talk about?
Marc:I don't want to run out of time because I'm really here to help Eddie.
Marc:I just bought records because... Yeah, I bought records.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:Woody Allen, the stand-up years.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:Even if you don't listen to records, you know what you can do with records?
Marc:You can go, oh, fuck.
Marc:Oh, look.
Look.
Marc:And you can just sit there doing that for a while, and then you can look at the back and go, yeah, Woody Allen.
Marc:He's all young, and I'm kind of like him, right?
Marc:Dick Gregory, never seen this one before.
Marc:You can applaud Dick.
Marc:Now see what's going on.
Marc:Just a few people for Dick Gregory.
Marc:But Lenny Bruce, Live at Carnegie Hall, which I have three of.
Marc:I love when people applaud Lenny Bruce.
Marc:You know who's worried about Lenny Bruce?
Marc:How long did it take you to fucking understand what the hell he was talking about?
Marc:You know, we all say Lenny Bruce set this standard for everything that we do.
Marc:But, you know, a lot of people, like, if you ask somebody, have you ever listened to him?
Marc:He's like, yeah.
Marc:Did you get it?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:It's fucking difficult.
Marc:It took me like 10 years to figure out what the fuck he was talking about.
Marc:And you feel like an asshole if you're like, Lenny Bruce is the best.
Marc:Really?
Marc:What have you listened to?
Marc:Well, I don't know.
Marc:It's just a general thing.
Marc:Um...
Marc:But I have this one, and the reason I got another one is this one has a poster in it.
Marc:Look at that, George Carlin with short hair.
Marc:I don't even know why I'm showing you with these records.
Marc:The reason I'm showing you these records is they're tangible objects of a bygone day when things used to matter.
Marc:And people used to look forward to fucking getting records.
Marc:Now, if I do a podcast, people are like, when's the next one?
Marc:When's the next one?
Marc:And I don't mind that.
Marc:But I have to record a CD, and then I record my sets, and I cannot keep up with it!
Marc:I did it!
Marc:I want to have the time back where it's like he put out one record and it had a great fucking cover and I looked at it for like 15 minutes every time I listened to it.
Marc:Yeah, you know, it's like I bought the records.
Marc:You want to know why I bought the records?
Marc:So I don't go out of my fucking mind.
Marc:Do you know why masturbation is not sexual?
Marc:Because it's not.
Marc:If you jerk off a lot, it's not because you're sexually driven.
Marc:It's because you cannot live in your own fucking skin for another minute.
Marc:And the only way you can think to get out of yourself is to rub one out like a fucking monkey.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:It's true, isn't it?
Marc:Like, I'm just realizing that the reason why I cook compulsively is so I don't have to listen to me be me in my fucking head.
Marc:It's these small, short-term goals that I make.
Marc:Like, you know, and I get obsessed with ridiculous things.
Marc:Fucking, like, ridiculous things.
Marc:I'm like, ugh, what the fuck did I go looking for the other day that I fucking had to have?
Marc:And that was so disappointing.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:I was in Oakland, California.
Marc:Now, I know some of you know about my father and the mustard pants incident.
Marc:Now, and I don't want to be like my father, but I swear to God, I had this email that I got literally a year ago from a guy who's an alcoholic who emails me.
Marc:He's a wonderful guy, but for some reason, he collects old coins and glasses.
Marc:That's what he collects.
Marc:He's sent me many of both.
Marc:But all he kept talking about was this place in Oakland, this place, Phoenix Eyewear, Phoenix Optical, that has these handmade tortoise shell or elk skull shell.
Marc:I don't know what it is, but these glasses.
Marc:So for no less than a year, I've been lightly obsessing about when I get there, when I get to Oakland, all of my problems will be solved.
Okay.
Marc:If I find these glasses, not only will I look good, but I will understand all things and probably see God with them.
Marc:So we make this long journey, Jessica and I, out to Oakland on the BART.
Marc:We walk like three or four miles to get to this fucking eyeglass store, and they stunk.
Marc:And you know what I realized at that moment?
Marc:that it's not about the process.
Marc:The process stunk.
Marc:And also, it's not about the payoff, because that stunk too.
Marc:So basically, let go of your obsessions and realize that cynicism is reasonable, and...
Marc:And that if you just masturbate, you'll save yourself a lot of that tedious process thinking you'll find it somewhere else.
Marc:All right, let's read some emails.
Marc:Here it goes.
Marc:Might I offer some advice?
Marc:Always a slightly defensive thing for me to read.
Marc:Already I'm like, what?
Marc:All right, here it goes.
Marc:You don't need medicine, drugs, alcohol, or food.
Marc:You need life.
Marc:You need to go to a wilderness survival school and strike fire from nothing.
Marc:Drink sketchy water and eat a bug.
Marc:You need to have the shit scared out of you.
Marc:You need to go camping out in the middle of nowhere for a week.
Marc:You need to go whitewater rafting and face a wave of freezing cold water that swaps you in the face and steals your breath.
Marc:Your show is therapy for you and whomever you interview.
Marc:You don't need more therapy.
Marc:I just listened to the Judd Apatow shows and wow, they were deep.
Marc:Stop waiting for deeper self-reflection to explain life to you.
Marc:Go happen to life.
Marc:I know I'm great at identifying all your problems, but it's a big portion of your show, and I can tell you that it's something that occupies a lot of your time.
Marc:You were always seeking something to fill your holes.
Marc:You filled them with alcohol, drugs, nicotine, self-loathing, dot, dot, dot.
Marc:Go experience something crazy.
Marc:Is he not listening?
Marc:Pull a Hunter S. Thompson, not the suicide part, but the buy the ticket, take the ride part.
Marc:Thanks for clearing that up.
Marc:Go find an experience and live the hell out of it.
Marc:I think I just had one.
Marc:Whatever the hell he wanted to achieve, I'm exhausted.
Marc:Like I said, not to tell you how to live your life.
Marc:But stop looking inside and go outside of yourself.
Marc:Maslow set up his hierarchy of needs.
Marc:Oh, fuck, now I got to do homework?
Marc:And you need to go focus on some of the more base needs.
Marc:Fashion shelter.
Marc:Hike a mile for a drink of water.
Marc:Go to Oakland and find glasses.
Marc:Hunt a wild boar with a pocket knife.
Marc:No!
Marc:Forget self-actualization.
Marc:Your guru, Dave...
Marc:I've been camping.
Guest:Frankly, I'm not comfortable in my house with the windows open.
Marc:I was horrified with fear.
Marc:And you know, the weird thing about doing stuff like that, especially if you do it with a woman, if you go camping and you're a man like me, you run the risk of being a frightened bitch in front of your girlfriend.
Marc:You don't want to be that guy who wakes up going, oh my god, did you hear that, baby?
Marc:I don't know what it was.
Marc:Would you just go out and look?
Marc:It's nothing more frightening than approaching a scary sound with a flashlight and a pillow.
Marc:This is kind of funny, but it's getting long already.
Marc:Question mark.
Marc:Mark, I'll give you $5 American to let me come on the show.
Marc:I have no credits, very little polished material, and a relatively large chip on my shoulder when it comes to comedy.
Marc:I'm not very entitled, though.
Marc:I do seem to expect the soda machine in my dorm to continue to distribute four sodas when you just buy one.
Marc:It used to do that.
Marc:Sierra missed for miles.
Marc:Let me know.
Marc:I'm a huge fan of WTF and your stand-up.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I'll let you know now.
Marc:That's not going to happen.
Marc:But thank you for the email.
Marc:What the fuck neuroscience?
Marc:Hey, Mark.
Marc:I just wanted to let you know a way you've helped me out recently.
Marc:I was studying for a neuroscience exam and trying to memorize some of the different neurotransmitters.
Marc:I got to serotonin and quickly realized the best way to remember its uses.
Marc:Serotonin influences mood, impulses, sleeping, and eating.
Marc:It's used to treat mood, sleeping, and eating disorder as well as OCD.
Marc:So I just remember Mark needs serotonin.
Marc:And I can easily remember what it regulates.
Marc:Thanks for letting me benefit from your chemically imbalanced brain.
Marc:I'm a big fan of all you do.
Marc:Take care, Melinda.
Marc:What the fuck is wrong with me?
Marc:So last night I went to some Halloween party with my boyfriend.
Marc:I'm too old to dress up, but I did anyway.
Marc:I was Wayne and he was Garth.
Marc:After I saw Wonder Woman touching him a little too warmly, I called him out in my own way, which is to glare for a few seconds before I can bring myself to admit that it made me jealous.
Marc:I definitely wasn't being a bitch, but he wound up having a freakout and dumping me in public.
Marc:in public.
Marc:He still drove me back to his place where my car was waiting.
Marc:We, of course, wound up in his house fighting more.
Marc:I'm normally a pretty even-tempered person, but I was so pissed off at him that I put his toothbrush on my ass and pissed all over his hairbrush.
Marc:Then I ass-palmed his pillow and iPhone.
Marc:I don't even know what ass-palmed is.
Marc:but I like it.
Marc:I slept there because I was way too exhausted to drive home on my own pillows, which did not get asked.
Marc:When we woke up, he apologized for acting like a dick and we got back together.
Marc:I'm really glad he's going to have my ass in his mouth when he gets out of bed.
Marc:Do you ever do fucked up stuff like that?
Marc:No.
Marc:No, I just yell.
Marc:I would threaten to ass palm pillows if I had that in my vocabulary.
Marc:Okay, quickly, I'm sorry.
Marc:Breast cancer bullies, what the fuck?
Marc:I didn't really know where this was going at first.
Marc:Mark, I run a non-profit for testicular cancer awareness and I'm jealous.
Marc:Jealous of the breast cancer movement.
Marc:From pink potato chips to pink soup cans and from pink shirts to pink, well, pink everything.
Marc:The world literally turns pink around an entire month of the year.
Marc:They have the majority of cancer awareness, media attention, sponsorship dollars, etc.
Marc:Even though they don't have the majority of cancer patients or cancer patient deaths.
Marc:Don't get me wrong, I too have lost family members to breast cancer and know there is a need for some awareness.
Marc:But here's my what the fuck moment.
Marc:In the midst of a month of pink, I turned on an NFL game only to find the players wearing pink.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:How many women watch football?
Marc:Or should I say, how many men watch football?
Marc:Certainly the majority of the audience is men, and while some NFL players are actually fighting testicular cancer right now, the teams are pushing breast cancer awareness.
Marc:Plus, testicular cancer is the most common cancer for men between 15 and 35, and can kill men between 15 and 50.
Marc:As someone who runs a testicular cancer awareness organization and as a testicular cancer survivor, I find this very, very sad.
Marc:I know that running a testicular cancer awareness ad on an NFL game could possibly save the lives of hundreds of men.
Marc:After all, early detection through a testicular self-exam can ensure survival.
Marc:But most men don't even know there is a self-exam.
Hmm.
Marc:So, my question is, has the breast cancer hype overtaken the message?
Marc:Has the breast cancer movement put so much pressure on sponsors that the breast bandwagon has run over and silenced other cancer awareness?
Marc:Or is corporate America cashing in and exploiting this cause to sell more merchandise?
Marc:Quote, put a pink ribbon on it and sell more units, unquote.
Marc:Either way, other cancer awareness groups, and in turn those they need to reach, are suffering.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Our website shows very simply the testicular cancer exam and has a short list of symptoms to look for.
Marc:So that is mannexam.org, and let's just go through it.
Marc:Know the symptoms.
Marc:Lump on testicle or swollen hard testicle.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:A collection of fluid in the scrotum.
Marc:Now, how do you decipher it?
Marc:Never mind.
Marc:Enlargement or tenderness of the breasts.
Marc:Heavy feeling of discomfort or discomfort in the lower belly or scrotum.
Marc:Now, if I could, I'm really doing this for public service.
Marc:Everyone who's listening and people who are bold enough here in the room, we're going to go through a testicular exam now.
Marc:So if you're listening, if you're in your cubicle, take a moment, look around.
Marc:Okay, A, roll the left testicle along a vertical plane between your thumb and fingers.
Marc:You doing it?
Marc:You done?
Marc:All right, repeat with the right testicle.
Marc:B, examine the epidemis.
Marc:Hmm.
Marc:Tube containing sperm attached to testicle and spermatic cord of the left testicle between your thumb and fingers.
Marc:Repeat with right testicle.
Marc:Everybody good in the room?
Marc:It's important.
Marc:C. While lifting the penis, roll the left testicle on a horizontal plane between your thumb and fingers.
Marc:Repeat with right testicle.
Marc:Now, if everything feels okay, masturbate.
Marc:You deserve it.
Marc:Celebrate another day without testicular cancer.
Marc:Let's get the show started.
Marc:My first guest and I were actually in a film together which launched our very, very short film careers.
Marc:Please welcome Aaron Foley to the stage.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:Do you recognize that?
Marc:She had a few more lines in Almost Famous than I did.
Marc:Do you remember?
Marc:Do you remember your part?
Guest:Yeah, I was a raging biatch.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Do you remember her?
Marc:She was the one who kept busting the little guy's balls and running into Ben Fong Torres saying, this is fucked up, right?
Yeah.
Guest:Yes, I was the fact checker.
Guest:Although when it's your first movie and you've been in the show business for about 30 days and you step in shit, you say, fleck checker, frit checker, cut, I'm the fact checker cut.
Guest:And I was like, I'm going to last four hours.
Guest:And I like shit my pants.
Guest:It was horrifying.
Guest:Did you have to do a lot of takes?
Guest:Seriously?
Guest:The first couple times I was like, I've been fleck checking this cut.
Guest:I've been frit checking.
Guest:Kill me.
Guest:It was awful.
Marc:That sounds like my experience on the Mighty Dex 2, which I think I've shared, haven't I?
Marc:Have I shared that?
Marc:I already have?
Marc:All right, fuck it.
Guest:You were on Mighty Dex 2?
Marc:Yeah, but I got cut out.
Guest:Electric Boogaloo?
Marc:I got cut out.
Marc:As you know, in Almost Famous, I was the angry promoter.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Yes, in The Mighty Ducks, I was the angry valet.
Guest:I'm sensing a theme here, Bart.
Marc:Yes, Cameron Crowe used to walk around the set after I shot my scene a million times going, we ought to fly this anger in from New York.
Marc:As he left with the first crew and left me to breathe exhaust from a bus over and over again, riding up a ramp with nobody there but the second camera crew.
Marc:Though, very nice guy.
Marc:Sat down, made me feel important, never used me again.
Guest:He was super nice.
Guest:We used to try to, between takes, stump him on 80s trivia, because I'm like a crazy 80s music.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Can I play?
Marc:Let me do one.
Guest:Who sang Too Shy a Jai?
Marc:Did you just groan like you knew that?
Marc:How would I know that?
Marc:I was only gay for like a day.
Guest:No, it's like, you know, 80s bands are the most ridiculous.
Guest:It's like Kaja Gugu.
Guest:I always remember that one because it doesn't even sound like English.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Fuck, it just happened to me.
Marc:I was in a store.
Marc:I was in Lucky, and they were playing some song that was from that era, and I couldn't figure out what it was.
Marc:And I literally said, is this Depeche Mode?
Marc:Is it Depeche Mode?
Marc:And the guy looked to me in my judging way that he should have known who Depeche Mode was.
Marc:And he said, I don't know.
Marc:And then we did the thing with your phone.
Marc:Who was it?
Marc:Do you remember?
Guest:Oh, the Shazam.
Marc:Oh, good.
Marc:It was Depeche Mode.
Guest:Shazam.
Guest:I'm, like, obsessed with Shazam.
Guest:Like, I don't text when I drive, but I've gotten to so many near-Shazam accidents.
Guest:Have you been in the left side?
Guest:Nothing?
Guest:I'm in my car.
Guest:I'm like, that song's awesome.
Guest:And then I'll get my phone, and I don't want to brag.
Guest:I have a 97 Corolla.
Guest:Because things are going well.
Guest:And the phone's, like, by the back speaker, and I'm trying to Shazam, and people are Shazam-ing while driving.
Yeah.
Guest:That testicular guy, he should go on a plate against Shazam-ing.
Guest:I love that he's ripping breast cancer a new one.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Marc:Yeah, you know you've got to pick your targets.
Marc:But I mean, I think he's more concerned.
Marc:He's speaking from the balls here.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And...
Marc:And I think that his point was that, look, cancer is bad, but, you know, we get it in our pants, too.
Marc:You know, it's not all about the boobs.
Guest:No, I think he had a valid point.
Guest:It's just kind of funny to me that I feel like he should be, like, angry at the carcinogens.
Marc:Not at boobs?
Guest:Not at another cancer.
Marc:Like you actually pictured that if he was confronted by a breast cancer victim, you'd go, look at my balls.
Guest:My balls are huge.
Guest:Take your pink off.
Guest:What?
Guest:That's creepy.
Guest:What does that even mean?
Guest:Yeah, if we could film a throwdown between him and a lady in pink with one boob.
Guest:No, that's horrible.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Marc:Let's even it out.
Marc:He said he's a victim, so it would be one boob against one ball, which I think is a fair fight.
Guest:Yeah, it's like a really good singles tennis match.
Marc:Have you ever heard that trivia that Hitler only had one ball?
Marc:Like, you know, that's supposed to explain it?
Guest:There's so many one-ball stories, it's amazing.
Guest:How many people do you, like, you're having a conversation, but then something comes out, it's like, a guy has one ball, and you're like, how the hell do you know that?
Marc:Because usually people with one ball will talk about it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, because it's sort of a pride point after a certain point.
Marc:I know a couple guys with one ball.
Guest:Four beers in.
Guest:I have nine nipples.
Marc:Do you remember that James Bond movie where the guy had three nipples?
Marc:There was one, and then he had to pretend like he had three nipples, and then he had a suction nipple.
Marc:Do you remember that?
Marc:Does anyone remember that?
Guest:Am I making that up?
Guest:I don't think I remember that.
Marc:You don't remember it?
Marc:You do?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So you're saying move on?
Marc:That was definitely the tone that I got.
Marc:Like, I was looking for some validation, like I'm not an idiot, and had some weird James Bond three-nipple fantasy.
Marc:And one guy says, I remembered it.
Guest:Yeah, get over it.
Guest:And I keep a nipple in my back pocket.
Guest:Get over it.
Guest:I went over to my girlfriend at the time.
Guest:I'm gay.
Guest:Nobody panic.
Guest:Whoa, you're gay?
Guest:I am.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:When did that happen?
Guest:But I don't have bowel cancer, so everything's fine.
Guest:It happened on a magical night in my 20s.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Let's talk about that.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:This is actually a fun story.
Guest:What, the gay one?
Guest:The gay one?
Guest:Everyone's always like, oh, how do you know you're being gay?
Guest:And I was like, I should have known, but I had crazy football posters on my wall.
Guest:It was so stereotyped, but I had no idea.
Guest:I was dating men.
Marc:Football posters, what does that mean?
Guest:I like posters of football dudes when I was six and everyone had kittens on trees.
Guest:And I was like, Lawrence Taylor!
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:But I like dudes.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:So then I decided.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I was like, I thought I was Larry Bird.
Guest:Oh, it was crazy.
Guest:Anyway, so.
Marc:Never thought you were gay.
Marc:You just thought you were Larry Bird.
Guest:No, I just was like, I thought I was Larry Bird.
Guest:And I had like an aggressive love for sweat socks.
Guest:It was so stupid.
Guest:But anyway.
Guest:I literally decided to, like, I was like, oh, my God, I sort of think I have this crush on this girl, Kristen.
Guest:I'm in a cab.
Guest:I go find her at a bar.
Guest:She's like, we're going to this other bar.
Guest:My sisters were there, so it was a little bit awkward because we're Irish Catholic.
Guest:We don't talk about anything.
Guest:And then I go into this other bar, and so she follows me into the bathroom and pushes me into the bathroom stall.
Guest:We make out, and I came out of the bathroom gay.
Guest:I mean, it was like just like that.
Guest:I went in straight and I came out.
Guest:I was like, I'm gay.
Guest:That was it.
Guest:I was like, that was it.
Guest:I was done.
Guest:Were you elated or were you shocked at all?
Guest:I think I just pounded like 89 beers.
Guest:I was like, I'm gay and drunk.
Marc:And he went home and took the posters off the wall.
Guest:I was like, oh, now those posters make sense.
Oh,
Marc:Now, when you perform, because I know I looked at your website and I saw there were some gay events.
Guest:Gay events.
Marc:Now, and when you perform at those events, now, do you ever feel, do you ever perform where you don't want to, you know, do you do gay humor mostly?
Guest:I mean, it really, honestly, it really depends, like, if I'm in the mood.
Guest:Like, gay stuff is super easy with, like, the gays.
Guest:You're just, like, you don't have to, like, premise it.
Guest:But when I do, like, a week at the improv, like, in Tahoe, Vegas, I call it BGR, the big gay reveal.
Yeah.
Guest:Like, you have to get them going for like 15, 20 minutes.
Guest:And they're like, we like you.
Guest:Then I'm like... And I'm like, you're stuck with me now.
Guest:It's a 40-minute set.
Marc:Have you ever had trouble because of the reveal?
Guest:You know, the air full on goes out of the room for a little while.
Guest:And then I sort of get him back.
Guest:But in Vegas, this guy was like, he kind of was like being, he was just kind of being annoying during the set, but he was positive.
Guest:Sorry, I'll wrap this up.
Guest:No, no, no, I'm not looking for that.
Guest:And so then he was super wasted.
Guest:He came up to me after the show and I was like, oh shit, this could go either way, you know?
Guest:Because he was tanked, and he was like way too tan, and he was like 80, but he might have been 50, you know those faces?
Guest:And like you can never tell.
Guest:And then he came up to me, and he was like, oh, you were great, you were great.
Guest:When you started doing the gay stuff, and I was like, ooh.
Guest:And he goes, he's like, it was great.
Guest:I kept picturing that guy that plays the piano, and Ellen, she's from there.
Guest:Right.
Guest:She's from gay?
Guest:Gay Middle Earth.
Marc:Aaron Foley, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You can stay here.
Marc:Just move down one.
Marc:That was excellent.
Marc:He's from there.
Marc:She's from there.
Marc:We have a very special treat.
Marc:I don't know if you're familiar with this, and it sort of ties into the records, because there are very few comedy legends, and certainly a few comedy legends that many people don't know about, but it's my pleasure to introduce to you now, if you don't know him, Bill Cosby Bukowski.
Marc:Please welcome Bill Cosby Bukowski.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:What's up, buddy?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:How you doing, Bill?
Marc:How are you, Maren?
Marc:I'm pretty good, Bill Cosby Bukowski.
Marc:How are you, Aaron?
Guest:Aaron and Maren.
Guest:Yeah, it's a poem.
Guest:It's a poem.
Guest:It's a jelloam.
Guest:A jelloam?
Guest:I'm gay, too.
Guest:I came out of a bathroom gay.
Guest:It was a crazy night in New York City.
Guest:I walked out of the bathroom where nothing happened except for a big brown dookie.
Guest:I came out and I said, I'm gay or straight or whatever.
Guest:As long as your body has an area that feels like Jell-O.
Guest:Fuck it!
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Do you want to sit down?
Guest:I will!
Guest:Fuck it!
Guest:You want to sit in the chair?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I think I'll lean against the wall, Maren.
Guest:I'm going to lean against the wall.
Marc:So what's your history, Bill Cosby Bukowski?
Guest:Well, I live in a shithole shanty.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:In fucking East L.A.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I got a shit bucket and a piss bucket.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I fucking have little brain damaged chocolate cake eating motherfucking children.
Guest:Theo.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Rudy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Vanessa.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They're stupid, brain-damaged piece of shit, and I pimp them out and turned them out on the street.
Guest:That's lovely.
Guest:Turn them out on the street and they're all prostitutes.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But are they not doing well?
Marc:Because you live in a shanty.
Guest:Well, if they don't do well, they don't get a jello dinner.
Guest:This is a feel-good story.
Guest:Why?
Guest:It's making you feel good?
No.
Guest:Gay people love my comedy.
Guest:I go on a cruise ship.
Guest:You do cruise ships?
Guest:The guys are like, we accept you.
Guest:This is fun.
Guest:You do cruise ships?
Guest:I do cruise around.
Guest:A guy's named Chip.
Guest:So what kind of car do you drive?
Guest:I don't have a car.
Guest:I skip everywhere.
Guest:I skip everywhere.
Guest:Skip everywhere.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because what's life about, Maren?
Guest:It's about skipping.
Guest:It's about being happy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I go camping on a wild boar with a pocket knife.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:You've done that.
Guest:One time I hunted a wild whore with a skin knife.
Oh.
Marc:That's that comedy genius that we hear so much about.
Marc:Thank you, yes.
Guest:I put two and two together and it makes comedy go.
Guest:You want to hear some of my jello-ums?
Guest:Yes, I do.
Guest:More than anything.
Guest:I don't write poems.
Guest:I write jello-ums.
Guest:The first one is called I Wish I Had Titties.
Guest:I wish I had titties along with my penis.
Guest:If I had some fat titties, I'd feel just like Venus Williams.
Guest:Crazy double Ds are debilitating.
Guest:They'd be like super soakers when I was lactating.
Guest:I'd be a fat titty tranny and advertise in the back of LA Weekly with my thighs spread akimbo.
Guest:Limbo is a sport that my titties would not allow me to play.
Guest:I'd be left out at every luau, but that's okay.
Guest:Because at every other party, I'd be the sexiest one.
Guest:I'd let everybody play with them, even my son, Theo.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:That was spectacular.
Guest:So where's the hair titties?
Marc:I've actually never once really entertained the idea of having breasts.
Guest:Well, you should.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't think you'd look good.
Guest:I think that they would be hairy, quite clearly.
Guest:Hairy and it would be awful.
Guest:But you'd have some jiggly puddings.
Yeah.
Guest:To jiggle around and swing around.
Guest:I'm impressed that you go to luau's.
Guest:That's fantastic.
Guest:What kind of party do you go to, Foley?
Guest:I like to rip it up in menstrual huts.
Guest:Menstrual huts?
Guest:Sit around and menstruate?
Guest:It's a crazy party.
Guest:Hey, why not?
Guest:A lot of big tits.
Guest:A lot of big tits.
Guest:Oh, sick.
Guest:Sick, bro.
Guest:Sick, bro.
Marc:That's pretty cool.
Marc:When she said menstrual huts, I was really hoping it was menstruation.
Marc:Or else we would have had a race issue.
Guest:Yeah, the blackface hut.
Guest:You and your white friends all get together in the blackface hut and put shoe polish all over your faces and dance.
Guest:That's a fucked up hut.
Guest:I'll say.
Guest:Do you have another Jaloam?
Guest:I got another Jaloam.
Guest:This one's called Who's the Most Fuckable Huxable?
Guest:Claire!
Guest:Sandra!
Guest:Rudy!
Guest:Theo!
Guest:Vanessa!
Guest:Cockroach!
Guest:Lisa Bonet!
Guest:That's old Raven!
Guest:Get down here!
Guest:All the children say, oh, Dad, what's going on, Dad?
Guest:We got homework today.
Guest:I say, shut up!
Guest:Circle up, you chocolate cake-eating degenerates.
Guest:The contest is, who is the most fuckable huxtable?
Guest:Winner gets Jell-O supper, loser gets to sleep in their bed tonight.
Guest:You want to explain that?
Guest:The kids say, but dad, dad.
Guest:I say, don't say dad.
Guest:I pay the rent.
Guest:I make the rules.
Guest:I'll stop crying.
Guest:I'll give you something to cry about.
Guest:Vanessa?
Guest:You can leave.
Guest:You lose.
Guest:Vanessa says, but Dad, I say, zip your lip.
Guest:You came in last before you even show up.
Guest:You're the least fuckable, Huxtable.
Guest:Now get out of here before I stab you in the face with a pocket knife like a wild boar.
Guest:Cockroach, come here.
Guest:Shake your shit around.
Guest:Shake it around.
Guest:Now pull out your dick.
Guest:Now make out with Theo.
Guest:Cockroach says, do I have to, Dr. Huxtable?
Guest:I say, what?
What?
Guest:God, are you questioning me?
Guest:I got a PhD from Hofstra and raining down shit on your face.
Guest:Now don't kiss my son.
Guest:This is a poem?
Guest:It's free form.
Guest:You didn't bring any Jelloems.
Guest:By the way, it's a Jelloem, not a poem.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:All he knows that the poetic effect on me was I entered some sort of amoral, sort of untethered, flying feeling.
Marc:Get used to it!
Guest:All right, Lisa Bonet, shake your shit around.
Guest:Now take this live chicken, kill it, and do some angel heart shit.
Guest:OBKB?
Guest:OBKB?
Guest:Okay, contest over.
Guest:You win.
Guest:You get the Jell-O dinner.
Guest:That's so, Raven, you're the runner-up.
Guest:Your prize is you get to play Leonard Part 7.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:That's a fucking Jell-O, I'm Maren.
Marc:Bill Cosby Bukowski, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:You want to sit down for a minute and relax?
Guest:Okay, I'll hang out with you guys.
Marc:All right, man.
Marc:That was very interesting.
Marc:Are you related to either of Charles Bukowski or Bill Cosby?
Guest:No, it's a lot like the movie Twins.
Guest:with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, sure.
Guest:They combined the DNA swirly hemispheres of Bill Cosby and Bukowski, and they impregnated both of their wives, and then they had a crazy baby, and it's me.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I'm glad that's explained.
Marc:With gorgeous hair.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Marc:This guy works at my post office right there.
Marc:This is Victor right there.
Marc:He works at my post office.
Guest:How you doing, buddy?
Marc:I've got two questions, and then we're going to bring Jim up.
Marc:But these are sincere questions.
Marc:My mailman, Demetrios, who you know, has disappeared.
Marc:What happened to him?
Guest:You know what they're doing?
Guest:They're consolidating all these routes.
Marc:They took away my mailman.
Marc:And what I want to know is what have they done with him?
Marc:Yeah, he's a good guy, but I need my mailman back.
Marc:Is there anything we can do?
Guest:Yeah, go up and talk to the manager.
Guest:Say, I want my... I want my mailman back?
Marc:Does that happen?
Marc:Where's my mailman and I can demand him back?
Guest:You know what?
Marc:You can help me a little more.
Marc:Really?
Guest:I don't think it's going to happen.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:If that's not going to happen, can you tell the new guy to stop delivering my ex-wife's fucking mail there?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Except I held on to the jury duty thing.
Marc:Don't they go to jail for that?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Do they?
Marc:Hmm...
Marc:No, I sent it back.
Marc:I don't know where the hell she is.
Marc:Now, are you ready, James?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
Marc:All right.
Marc:It's always lovely to have this next performer on the show because we go way back and he always, you know, is very, it's a joyful thing.
Marc:Now I'm talking like Bill Cosby.
Marc:Good.
Marc:I want to welcome right now to the stage with his cafe journals, the wonderful Jim Earle.
Woo!
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you so much, everyone here tonight.
Guest:It is a great honor being up here tonight again on the UCB Theater here on Franklin, or Fountain, wherever the fuck I am.
Guest:How are you doing tonight, Mark?
Guest:I'm good, Jim.
Guest:Great.
Guest:Okay, I've got to get on with this.
Guest:You still eating meat?
Guest:Yeah, I still eat meat.
Guest:On a scale of one to two, with ten being the highest,
Guest:How would you score your morality?
Marc:Because I eat meat?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Listen, all right, Jim, I asked you to come here.
Marc:My morality is when I eat meat, I thank the animal.
Guest:Do you ever eat pork?
Guest:Not much.
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Do you know when you eat pork that you're eating the equivalent of a three-year-old child?
Guest:That's why I eat it.
Guest:No, Jim.
Guest:Think of that the next time you're at one of your friends' houses and they have, like, their two- or three-year-old children running around.
Guest:Would you stick one of them up on, you know, like a fork and kind of grill them in your big iron frying pan in the morning?
Guest:Jesus Christ, Jim.
Guest:I'm just trying to entertain people.
Guest:Calm down!
Marc:You want to plug your Twitter, your new Twitter?
Guest:Yeah, it's JimRail666.
Guest:Thanks a lot.
Guest:Now I like to read from my cafe journal.
Guest:A lot of you people I know like to go out into cafes and write your curb scripts.
Guest:That's short for curb your enthusiasm.
Guest:I got it, I got it.
Guest:I'd like to read for you a few of my excerpts from my own Caffey journal.
Guest:3 p.m.
Guest:Hail Satan.
Guest:Father of lies.
Guest:Demon of hell.
Guest:Lord Harry Beelzebub.
Guest:Thy satanic majesty.
Guest:Lord of the flies.
Guest:George Lopez.
Guest:This will be my day to write.
Guest:Oh, scaly penised one.
Guest:Help me understand this world.
Guest:Why does Seth Rogen keep playing romantic leads?
Guest:3.15 p.m.
Guest:Blasted my TV with a shotgun the other night.
Guest:Can I help it if Bristol Palin makes me feel all murdery?
Guest:Why is she still on Dancing with the Stars?
Guest:I thought she'd at least be pregnant by now.
Guest:I've seen better hoofing at a slaughterhouse.
Guest:3.30 p.m.
Guest:Friday is World Toilet Day, and I plan to give till it hurts.
LAUGHTER
Guest:3.35 p.m., important things to do tomorrow.
Guest:Attend Rally for Sanity, then kill everyone at work.
Guest:3.36 p.m., damn, I just realized I can't kill everybody at work because I don't have a job.
Guest:Damn outsourcing.
Guest:Oh well, must finish my Chelsea Handler writing packet.
Guest:4 p.m.
Guest:Chuckle.
Guest:I just love those Cisco ads with that sassy Ellen Page.
Guest:She makes me feel better about ejaculating onto my router.
Guest:3 p.m.
Guest:again.
Guest:Yeah, that's right.
Guest:I have the ability to go back in time.
Guest:5 p.m.
Guest:I wish people would stop putting tips in my miscarried fetus in a jar jar.
Guest:7 p.m.
Guest:I hope Mark doesn't think I'm using this cafe journal thing as a means to shamelessly gain new followers on Twitter.
Guest:Heck, I can't even remember my username.
Guest:Oh, yeah, I can.
Guest:It's Jim Earl 666.
Guest:7.45 p.m.
Guest:The dog next door has been giving me orders again.
Guest:But I choose to ignore him because I am strong and he is weak.
Guest:8 p.m.
Guest:Crap!
Guest:Mark invited me up to his place for lunch.
Guest:God, I hope he won't insist on another walk afterwards.
Guest:Not walk as in frying pan, but walk as in stroll.
Guest:God, I hate homonyms.
Guest:11.30 p.m.
Guest:Place is closed, everyone's gone, and I'm locked in.
Guest:Guess I picked the wrong time to accidentally scald my scrotum with hot coffee.
Guest:No lawsuit this week.
Guest:This side getting all this?
Guest:12 midnight.
Guest:Call me Ishmael.
Guest:Final entry.
Guest:I hear them beating on the front door.
Guest:Thank God for fire.
Guest:At last I am erect.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Jim Rowe, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Bill Cosby Bukowski, Aaron Foley.
Marc:Thank you for being here.
Marc:I'll see you back there.
Marc:Of course, for those of you listening, Bill Cosby Bukowski played by the genius John Daly.
Marc:And now, as always, we're going to close, but I have a surprise for Eddie if he gets to the point.
Marc:With the last word, with an addendum, please welcome Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:What do you want to do?
Marc:You want to stand?
Marc:That's good.
Marc:You can take that one.
Marc:Whatever you want.
Marc:Can I just read this to you first before you launch?
Marc:I got an email.
Marc:Pepitone, it says.
Marc:I like to wait until the season has ended to watch all the episodes of Weeds.
Marc:We're watching three or four in a row last night, and all of a sudden I'm seeing a big naked Pepitone on a bed.
Marc:Why?
Marc:Why?
Marc:I think this is your fault, B.C.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay, that was not a good day for me.
Guest:Okay, I had to go in, or it was a good day.
Guest:And you see already the torture that goes on in me?
Guest:Oh, it wasn't a good day.
Guest:It was a good day.
Guest:It wasn't, it was.
Guest:It was, it wasn't.
Guest:And that's all I do.
Guest:That's all I do while we're in the middle of a military industrial complex.
Guest:How many fucking people on Veterans Day wanted to lash out against the troops but couldn't because, oh, don't do it that day, Pepitone.
Guest:I have a very active Twitter account and a very active imagination.
Guest:And I go after people on that account, but I said something about the veterans and some guy threatened my life and I immediately took it down.
Guest:And that's how I roll.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:I have no sense perception, depth perception.
Guest:Look, I just want to talk about one thing, and that's inner pain.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:And it doesn't go away.
Guest:I listened to your podcast.
Guest:It's terrific.
Guest:What do you...
Guest:You got your mailman here.
Guest:Is that a mailman?
Guest:No, he works at the post office.
Guest:Don't insult him.
Guest:I'm not insulting him!
Guest:I was listening backstage and I was hearing him talk just very eloquently about the mail system.
Marc:This is a man who paid his dues in the post office system.
Guest:Is that right?
Marc:I don't know, is it?
Guest:Anyway, fuck that guy.
Guest:Look, and I don't mean any disrespect in case you're going to lunge at me after the show with some kind of homemade weapon, which happens a lot.
Guest:In this city.
Guest:But I want to talk about the fact that I filmed the fucking Muppets today.
Guest:And let me tell you something.
Marc:You were in the movie?
Guest:I was in the Muppet movie.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I think I'm going to sit down tonight.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I think you're going to need to.
Guest:I was in the Muppet movie.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Guest:The guy who directs it, a great British director named James Bobbin, young kid, fucking... You know these young people who, by the time they're 16, they've already done so much shit?
Guest:You ever meet these people like, oh, yeah, by the time I was 14, I built a steam engine?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then by the time I was 16, I had been around the world and I had invented a very unique sushi device or these fucking... Like, I am the opposite.
Guest:I am 52 and I am just getting the hang of vacuuming and shit like that.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:So, thank God this young guy likes me, James Bobbin, because he directed Flight of the Conchords.
Guest:None of this is to impress you because I'm in a lot of pain.
Guest:But he loved me on Flight of the Conchords, and I had one of my best little roles on Flight of the Conchords.
Guest:I played this sign guy, and he let me improvise.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:That was funny.
Guest:You were the sign guy.
Guest:It was very funny.
Guest:It was brilliant, dare I say.
Guest:And I sit around going, well, he says I'm brilliant.
Guest:This guy says I'm brilliant.
Guest:But I don't feel good.
Guest:Look at myself in the mirror.
Guest:I look like shit.
Guest:I've put all the weight back on.
Guest:Actually, I thought you looked pretty good.
Guest:Oh, maybe they do.
Guest:And do you see?
Guest:That's how my life goes.
Guest:The last person to tell me is how I feel.
Guest:The last person.
Guest:Like, I have to make sure I talk to someone who's going to say something good.
Guest:You ever call a friend?
Guest:I know you do.
Guest:You have certain friends you call, and you're like, oh, I hope they say something good about me.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:Anyway, I have a couple of friends that I call, and I know they're going to say, oh,
Guest:Eddie, what you do is so good.
Guest:And then I just go to sleep in this cocoon, you know, of goodness.
Guest:That and the NyQuil.
Guest:Yeah, and then Rick Shapiro calls you at three in the morning for the same thing.
Guest:I cut that fuck out!
Guest:He's sick.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Anyway.
Guest:Anyway, I was on the fucking Muppets today.
Guest:And how good is that?
Guest:And this guy Bobbin puts me in the movie and I really wanted to meet the Muppets.
Guest:Because I love the fucking Muppets.
Guest:Who doesn't?
Guest:And my girlfriend loves the Muppets.
Guest:And what was great is that I had this big trailer.
Guest:I had one line.
Guest:But it was a great close-up.
Guest:And he fucking has me in, you know, just to do this close-up.
Guest:I play the postman, by the way.
Guest:You want to try and recapture the line, see if you do it right?
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:There's nothing to it, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's like, here's your mail.
Guest:Here's your mail.
Guest:Hey, if I was a postman, I would be doing stuff that would be fucking nuts.
Guest:I'd be scoping out houses all the time.
Guest:I'd be like, who lives in this house?
Guest:What kind of animals do they have?
Guest:What are their habits?
Guest:What are their habits?
Guest:Because I don't like myself, and therefore I don't like others.
Guest:Well, you know what?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You ready?
Guest:Yeah, I'm ready.
Guest:I mean, just basically what I want to say is I had a good day.
Guest:Like, I opened up the door to this huge trailer, the biggest trailer, nicer than most people's homes in America right now, this trailer that I stayed in.
Guest:And I had this huge gift basket of Muppet shit.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:That was really cool.
Guest:And I gave it to my girlfriend, Karen, who loves the Muppets.
Guest:She's sitting in the front row.
Guest:And I was like, oh, Karen's going to love this.
Guest:I had a great day.
Guest:But my first tweet today was, and I have a great Twitter account, very active, very strong.
Guest:So I had all this beautiful Muppet shit, and I'm on the Muppet movie.
Guest:But my first tweet of the day was, when they strap me down for electric shock, I know it's going to be a good day if the voltage is just right.
Guest:And I thought, you know, that was a funny tweet to do in a Muppet trailer.
Guest:I'm in an interesting space tonight.
Marc:Well, you hold on to that.
Marc:Because right now I'm going to bring out somebody that both of me, I've decided that Eddie and I could benefit from.
Marc:We've got a few minutes here.
Marc:He's been on the show before.
Marc:He was almost Dr. Steve, and now he is a full-fledged doctor of psychology.
Marc:Please welcome Dr. Steve Danziger to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:This is Steve.
Marc:Dr. Steve is a friend of mine.
Marc:He's a bonafide psychologist.
Marc:This is not a character.
Marc:This is real.
Marc:And the reason I'm here and the reason I brought him here, Eddie, is because you're fucked up.
Marc:Are you really looking for a therapist?
Marc:I am now.
Marc:Okay, so now if you go into a therapist, this is your opportunity.
Marc:Day one.
Marc:Day one?
Marc:Day one.
Marc:This is the first day you're meeting a therapist.
Marc:What do you say?
Guest:Well, Doc...
Guest:I just hope you don't mind we're doing it in a theater.
Guest:This is actually, this is the way my office is set up.
Guest:Do you mind if I do a little time?
Guest:No.
Guest:What would I do?
Guest:First day I would go, you know, I just want to live an honest life.
Guest:I just, no, I'm serious.
Guest:So it's like it's a Steinbeck novel.
Guest:What the fuck does that mean?
Guest:What the fuck does that mean?
Guest:A Steinbeck novel?
Guest:See what's happening?
Guest:What's happening is he's living an honest life.
Guest:He's very angry at you, Mark.
Guest:And I think we need to keep this going.
Guest:Let me see what happens.
Guest:All right, go ahead.
Guest:Honest wife, Eddie.
Guest:Oh, here's the biggest thing.
Guest:Here's the biggest thing, though.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:Honesty.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But here's the biggest thing is how do I stop from being self-attacking and, yeah, just always attacking myself and my anger just, like, the angry voice in my head never fucking stops.
Guest:Like, I see a fucking billboard for due date and I know Zach Galifianakis.
Guest:I like him.
Guest:But I just want to kill him.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Like the size of the billboards, like they say, oh, every, you know, your life is going to be better if you see Due Date.
Guest:And it's some fucking piece of shit road movie.
Guest:And I get so angry at it.
Guest:Why I'm bringing up Due Date is because that was the thing I hated at the moment.
Marc:I think it's a good question.
Marc:And I experienced similar things like that, but it's for a different reason.
Marc:Can you help him and maybe help me?
Guest:Zach's career is none of your business.
Guest:See, I don't like that.
Guest:And that's the nature of therapy.
Guest:No, if a therapist would... Now, don't say it like that to me, doc.
Guest:I don't call therapists docs, by the way.
Guest:I would call you Steve.
Guest:I'd say Steve, who was my first therapist in Staten Island.
Guest:And by the way, if you're in therapy in Staten Island, tremendously fucked up situation because Staten Island is just a cauldron of hate and despair.
Yeah.
Guest:And then you're in this safe place for like 40 minutes and then you're back out into Staten Island where no one reads and everybody just hits each other.
Marc:But I think he's right, right?
Marc:You're saying that Zach's career has nothing to do with his life, right?
Marc:Well, the way you said it don't make me angry.
Guest:You said it's none of your business.
Guest:You know.
Marc:Give me a glass of wine first or something.
Marc:What would you do if he said that to you?
Marc:If he said that... It's none of your business.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:First day of therapy.
Guest:I'd probably assess the situation further and maybe say our time is up.
Guest:After five minutes.
Guest:See?
Guest:And then you have a new ten minutes.
Guest:I went to a therapy!
Guest:So it's the first day I was there!
Guest:Five minutes in, he tells me the time is over!
Guest:My life is pain!
Guest:I read Death of a Salesman to fucking relax.
Guest:Like I would say shit like that.
Guest:No, but I would get the last word in.
Guest:If you said, oh, five minutes, our time is up, I'd be like, fuck you, our time is up, pal.
Guest:Our time is up, and you're not a good shrink.
Guest:You don't know what it's like to live in Staten Island.
Marc:All right, practical advice, Steve, because I want to use this time efficiently.
Marc:Eddie apparently is frightened.
Marc:I'm not.
Marc:What the fuck does that mean?
Marc:Oh, look at that.
Marc:You can't even stop for a second with the anger.
Guest:provoking you with that shit.
Guest:You get provoked by billboards.
Guest:All of a sudden, I'm an asshole.
Guest:You don't get provoked by billboards?
Guest:What?
Guest:You don't get provoked by fucking Morning Glory billboards?
Guest:No, you know what I do when I see them?
Guest:Fuck Morty.
Guest:Fuck Harrison Ford.
Marc:You know what I do when I see them?
Marc:What?
Marc:If I know who's on the billboard, this is how I handle that situation and tell me if this is effective.
Marc:Like, if I see due date, I know Zach as well.
Marc:We're friends.
Marc:I think, I look at the picture and I say, that's a horrible picture.
Marc:And that's what I do.
Okay.
Marc:I went and saw the movie.
Marc:You did?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Was it horrible?
Marc:No, it was what it was.
Marc:You know what it is.
Marc:There was a couple of moments.
Guest:Oh, you can't even say it, huh?
Guest:Here's what I'll tell you, Eddie Peppertone.
Marc:Motherfucker.
Marc:Here's what I'll tell you.
Guest:See, I want to live honestly, Doc.
Guest:I don't want to live like that.
Marc:You want to know what my honest assessment of the movie was?
Marc:Is that, and I have this problem with a lot of these type of movies, is that they had something going between the two of them, and then the movie got so ridiculous that the credibility of the story was disintegrated, and it aggravated me because I was no longer interested.
Guest:Now, if you just want to go, ah, these fucking movies, but if they offer me a part, I'll do it.
Guest:I'll do it.
Guest:I will do it.
Marc:Sorry, I don't mean to be here in the middle of this.
Marc:It's my job.
Marc:What I'm saying is I try to analyze it critically because what, am I going to stop the flow of shit that comes into people's brains?
Guest:I'll let that speak for itself.
Marc:All right, so can I ask you a practical question?
Marc:Because I had an angry thing to say.
Marc:And both of us have this angry problem.
Marc:And my problem is he's in his car yelling at himself.
Marc:I, unfortunately, am yelling at other people.
Marc:Can you somehow give us some... See, I don't do that shit.
Marc:Well, I do do that.
Marc:All right, so Mr. Honesty, it took you a second, didn't it?
Marc:I know!
Marc:That's my problem!
Marc:Because you didn't want to go home and have her go, you do do that.
Guest:But it's not just her, it's like people at coffee shop, people all go, excuse me, is there a problem?
Guest:Like if the line isn't moving, I'm that idiot.
Guest:Like, what's the problem?
Guest:Okay, there, here's a practical.
Marc:Help us out, because I fucking started yelling about bullshit, and once I start yelling, I can't stop, and he makes it his act, but that's a different issue.
Marc:Now, what I want to know is...
Marc:How do we stop it from happening when we don't want it to happen?
Guest:The thing is, Eddie, except during your act, you're an anger stuffer.
Guest:Am I really?
Guest:You see, I don't need to have this in front of everybody.
Guest:This is Mark's idea.
Guest:I know, I know.
Guest:No, how am I an anger stuffer?
Guest:You are because you're an anger stuffer.
Guest:You stuff it down, you stuff it down, and then it comes out in this way.
Guest:It's comedy.
Guest:It's good comedy.
Guest:That's a good thing, isn't it?
Guest:It's a good thing.
Guest:It's positive.
Guest:Because offstage, I am a sweetheart, you know?
Guest:I can't help it.
Marc:Offstage, I'm like... So how does the stuffing affect... Does that have something to do with his pain because he's maintaining the stuffing?
Marc:That's what it is.
Guest:It's sort of... Are you talking about stuffing because of Thanksgiving?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:No, I'm sorry.
Guest:I shouldn't have gone there.
Marc:So he's an angry stuffer.
Marc:I think that's enough for him, apparently.
Marc:Now, what about me?
Marc:You're an actor outer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Given any circumstance, you will go into the street, roll around in broken glass.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Screaming and yelling, first Prius you see, you will punch it in the grill.
Guest:Nice hybrid Vietnam.
Marc:Here's what happens to me.
Marc:I'll play it out.
Marc:I'll play it out for you.
Marc:For example, Eddie, do this for me.
Marc:Say nice jacket.
Marc:Hey, nice jacket.
Marc:What are you saying?
Marc:I mean, you don't like the way I fucking dress?
Marc:I mean, I just bought this jacket.
Marc:Who the fuck are you to judge it?
Marc:I mean, what are you even thinking?
Marc:I have fucking nice clothes.
Marc:Go fuck yourself.
Marc:Fuck you, pal.
Fuck you, pal.
Marc:See, like, once that little moment where I think that somebody has said something manipulative, where he could have been genuine, but I told him what to say, so there was no way to determine that in this particular situation.
Marc:But if... I could have done it better.
Marc:But, like, I'll misinterpret shit as fucking passive-aggressive, and then I'll feel like I've been... Right.
Guest:We've talked about this before.
Guest:It's your trauma.
Guest:We've talked about it on a previous podcast.
Marc:Trauma.
Guest:I have trauma.
Yeah.
Guest:i have fucking trauma i know i'm from staten island i used to live breathe and eat trauma that show when trauma was on the air i was like what the fuck does america like to come home and put on trauma like oh honey turn trauma louder i love when trauma's blasted and then you thought if i could get a show i would call it trauma it's just a
Guest:Unbelievable, people getting blown up in cafes and they made a television show.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:The last word, so the trauma thing.
Guest:It's your trauma and you're in a sort of a hypervigilant stage at all times.
Guest:You're always looking for someone to tell you something about your jacket that you don't like or you're looking for someone to say it.
Guest:I am, really?
Guest:Yeah, constantly.
Guest:That's fucked up.
Guest:That's why you yell at people before you even get a chance.
Guest:I'd rather be an anger stuffer, my friend.
Guest:Quite honestly, I'd rather be a fucking Angus stuffer than have that shit going on.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, thank you.
Guest:I know it's a nice jacket.
Guest:I fucking took my time picking it out.
Marc:And then you go home and look in the mirror and go, maybe I didn't pick out a good jacket.
Marc:And then I hate yourself for it, right?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:So I think we've got a lot achieved.
Marc:Do you feel better?
Marc:I feel a little better.
Marc:That's how I work.
Marc:Steve Danzer, ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:This has been Live WTF.
Marc:Thank you for coming out to the UCB Theater in Hollywood, California.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com.
Marc:Get some coffee.
Marc:Oh, I have coffee.
Marc:Wait, I'm going to throw coffee out.
Marc:WTF Blend.
Marc:Oh, someone jumped really high for that.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Oh, throw that back.
Marc:Be fair.
Marc:I love you guys.
Marc:Thanks for coming out.
Marc:I hope you had a good time.
Marc:Good night.
you