Episode 125 - Charles Fleischer, Brendon Burns, Andy Daly, Jim Earl
Marc:Hey folks, I don't usually do this, but today's live show from the UCB with Charles Fleischer, Andy Daly, Brendan Burns, and Jim Earl is a great show.
Marc:Unfortunately, there was some miscommunication between me and my usual engineer, and the sound is a little shoddy in some areas.
Marc:And as embarrassed as I am about it, I did not want to deny you the content.
Marc:Won't happen again.
Marc:I just we had to wing it.
Marc:It's enough said.
Marc:Definitely worth listening to, though.
Marc:OK, swear to God won't happen again.
Marc:But this is funny.
Marc:Just get past it.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:You remember back in the day we used to listen to cassettes that were made by handheld microphones in concert arenas from behind the stage where you could hear people, you know, smoking a joint and talking to
Marc:That was actually louder than the music.
Marc:So I'm happy to say it's not that bad.
Marc:But all right.
Marc:Good stuff.
Marc:Just a little sound issues sometimes.
Marc:I'm over explaining it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Ow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:I'm a good deal.
Guest:It's our show.
Guest:Yeah, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WPN.
What the fuck?
With Mark Maron.
Guest:All right, are we doing this?
Guest:Welcome to Live What the Fuck.
Guest:God, you quit clapping so quickly.
Guest:It was so abrupt and weird.
Guest:That's better.
Guest:I appreciate you coming out here.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:Let's do a couple of plugs right out of the gate.
Marc:We've got JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:I've got one bag of WTF blend that I will wing willy-nilly into the crowd.
Marc:Oh, would you stop?
Marc:You heard me say I have one, and the groans just make me feel guilty.
Marc:But I did bring some of the new shirts.
Marc:But first of all, I know this is stifling the flow of the show, but this is on its way out.
Marc:This is the original WTF shirt that was, granted, narcissistic.
Marc:Granted, it was a lot about me, but I didn't know better.
Marc:I figured this is the brand, the designer of this shirt, of the logo is here.
Marc:Nathan, your logo...
Marc:It was genius, but we're moving on, my friend.
Marc:But you're going to work for me for the rest of my life.
Marc:I need some artwork always.
Marc:Here's an old what-the-fuck shirt.
Marc:And I also, nerdcock is dead.
Marc:Nerdcock, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Don't fucking groan.
Marc:None of you bought the shirts.
Marc:I had to give away 100 nerd cock shirts, which is so tragic, because this is me.
Marc:I really thought these would sell.
Marc:I thought this was going to be like pet rock shit.
Marc:I thought there was a million dollars in the nerd cock shirt.
Marc:That's how fucked up I am.
Marc:So now I've got one large nerd cock shirt, which will go over there.
Marc:That wasn't very good.
Marc:But now, for those of you who haven't seen, I'm going to reveal.
Marc:This is the new... Oh.
Marc:This is the new... This is the new special cat edition What the Fruck shirt, which will go over here.
Marc:And wait, wait.
Marc:These are all available on the site, too.
Marc:I don't sell well, but here's another one.
Marc:Look at this.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Screaming Marc Maron WTF shirt.
Marc:Huh?
Marc:Available on WTFpod.com right over there.
Marc:All right, so that's it.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:I got stickers for the rest of you.
Marc:Now let's... You good over there?
Marc:Everything?
Marc:You all right?
Marc:You get a shirt?
Marc:All right, let's relax.
Marc:Hi, Victor.
Marc:My postman is there.
Marc:I haven't seen you at the post office.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:Yeah, I went in there with 90 shirts the other day, and there's no better feeling than holding up a line when there's just one guy at the fucking post office and 90 people behind me just giving me stink eye.
Marc:Highland Park stink eye.
Marc:Now, what would you guys do in that situation?
Marc:Wouldn't you just be like, you know what, let's just take a break and let some other people come?
Marc:That's my instinct.
Marc:But then I asked the guy who was standing there, who's the heavyset guy that loves it?
Marc:Henry.
Marc:Henry just loves if he only has you to work on.
Marc:He's like, no, no, dude, just stay here, just stay here.
Marc:So I stayed there.
Marc:Yeah, well, thank you for being here.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:Now, what the fuck is this traffic about?
Marc:Does anyone have any idea?
Marc:Because I guarantee you those three seats over there would have been filled had it not been for that traffic.
Marc:You think there's a political rally?
Marc:Doesn't anyone realize that it makes no difference?
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:When did I get so cynical?
Marc:I hope it's a political rally, and I hope everybody... What's that?
Marc:How about the one last week we went to the political rally?
Marc:Oh, no, dude.
Marc:The Peace and Freedom Party?
No, there was no...
Marc:I did a benefit for the Peace and Freedom Party, which at this point is nine people.
Marc:We drove up in Santa Monica, Jessica and I drove up, and I'm like, where the fuck is this theater?
Marc:I saw a 70-year-old dude with a ponytail bald head smoking a joint.
Marc:I'm like, that's it.
Marc:That's the benefit.
Marc:And I didn't know what else to say other than like, you know what?
Marc:I think we're really gonna do it this year, guys.
Marc:I think that the Peace and Freedom Party, do we even have a candidate?
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:It was so heartening.
Marc:You know, maybe, well, you think, oh, well, that's good.
Marc:If it's for Barbara Boxer, I'm willing to let these people not show up.
Marc:I like Barbara Boxer.
Marc:I don't like Republicans in general.
Marc:I don't want to get too into it, but fuck them.
Marc:Meg Whitman, fuck her.
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:I mean, like, as we get closer to the election, I think she's just going to run on the platform of kill the poor.
Yeah.
Marc:But one thing I know about traffic in this fucking city, have you ever had that moment where you're stuck and you realize if anything happens here, if anything that requires us leaving, there's no leaving.
Marc:Any moment in our lives happens where you're like, we gotta get the fuck out of here.
Marc:You know what you do right after saying that?
Marc:You know what, let's sit down.
Marc:Because we're not going anywhere.
Marc:You guys are a great audience.
Marc:It's my pleasure right now to bring up a legend, truly a legend, and somebody I saw when I was younger and very inspired by his performance.
Marc:Please welcome Charles Fleischer to the stage.
Guest:And now it starts.
Guest:It starts because it has finished somewhere else.
Guest:This is how this is going to be.
Guest:It could be different because you're going lefty.
Guest:Now for symmetry, I could go righty.
Guest:Or I could do like this kind of thing.
Guest:This gets rid of hiccups.
Guest:No, you can see he is drinking a Diet Coke.
Guest:Look at the color of it.
Guest:It is very, very like a feces soda.
Guest:This is very clear but still feces soda.
Marc:Charles, when I saw you for the first time, I would like to say it was 1984.
Marc:Is that possible?
Marc:I was alive in 84.
Marc:And in my recollection, it was at the Improv on Melrose, and there were still people smoking in the room.
Marc:And you were running around the stage, not running, but strutting with intent and anger and yelling at some people that are apparently Australian going, you Australian lung fuckers are here to kill me.
Marc:Is that possible?
Guest:Those were my parents.
Guest:And they have not been successful yet.
Guest:However, down under, they're still looking for Melbourne and Sydney.
Guest:No, I've always had distaste.
Guest:There seems to be a joke lag over here.
Guest:Need to clean out this area, get some Wang Chung Feng Shui movers.
Guest:Yes, we need to do that.
Guest:Yeah, Fingo, Shango.
Guest:Yeah, I don't like cigarettes because I used to smoke them.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah, I think they're nasty.
Guest:You don't even get like a buzz.
Marc:No.
Marc:What do you smoke now?
Marc:Anything?
Guest:If I do inhale anything, it'll be vaporized.
Guest:Vapor is the way to go.
Guest:I'm not promoting that.
Guest:I'm sweating a lot.
Marc:I don't know what happened.
Marc:Is that because of cannabis?
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:This is going out on the internet, right?
Guest:In case we can speak another language.
Guest:Sure, you can speak whatever language you want.
Guest:Diet Coke is not good.
Guest:Why?
Guest:People that drink diet soda are always fat.
Guest:Have you ever noticed that?
Guest:Except for you when you're just probably a prop.
Guest:Hold on a second.
Guest:No, no, no.
Marc:Wait a second.
Guest:First of all, if I say that to Louie Anderson, he's obviously got a little girth.
Marc:It's a good reference.
Guest:Take a shot at Louie.
Guest:I like Louie and it has nothing to do with... Wait, I'm just saying that the purpose for you drinking that is nullified by drinking.
Marc:I'm into aspartame and the possibility that it might give me some sort of memory disorder or something that resembles... Are you talking to me?
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:I had a lot of... I'm against things that weren't here a thousand years ago.
Guest:Fuck, what does that leave us?
Guest:Well, there's some really cool chicks in the valley.
Guest:What's in the book, Charles?
Marc:You brought the book...
Guest:Well, I didn't know how things would go.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:You didn't know how things would go?
Marc:You thought you might need to draw pictures?
Guest:Well, I always draw pictures when I'm just sitting around doing nothing.
Marc:Is my memory correct when I was dormant at the comedy store that you would design some sort of pencil?
Marc:Did you at some point design a pencil that was multicolored?
Guest:Well, actually, it was not a pencil.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:But your interesting use of the word pencil, which quite similar to the word penis, or pen is... Yes.
Marc:Where are you going with this?
Marc:Did you design a penis that was multicolored?
Guest:I have it right now.
Guest:The Rolling Stones song, She Comes in Colors.
Guest:No, I'm... It was...
Guest:I love that Three Stooges reference.
Guest:It's very Moe.
Guest:Moe's daughter collects frogs.
Guest:That's something non-secretive for you.
Guest:It was called a crane bow.
Guest:It was a multicolored crayon.
Marc:A crane bow.
Marc:I'm an idiot.
Marc:I should have remembered that.
Guest:I do have two patents at this time.
Guest:I do invent things.
Marc:The crane bow was one.
Marc:How'd that do?
Marc:Pretty well?
Guest:It's huge.
Guest:How many people?
Guest:Crane bows?
Guest:How many people not lying?
Guest:No, it's still, I still have them.
Guest:Actually, look, that was done to Cranbo.
Marc:I had a little bit in there.
Guest:But, you know, this is for... Sketches are very good on radio.
Guest:Radio or internet.
Guest:It's really... There's Cranbo.
Marc:Oh, yeah, that Cranbo does the background.
Marc:Show them that.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:See the color?
Marc:That's from McCramble.
Marc:And who's in that picture?
Guest:That's my girlfriend.
Guest:Oh, that's very nice.
Marc:Now, what is this?
Marc:Is this a system to understand all things?
Guest:That's a way to... That's molids.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I've been working on it.
Marc:Now, you're still working on the molids?
Guest:Can you explain that?
Guest:Shit, no.
Yeah.
Guest:Let me put this away.
Guest:Moly, it's been working on for over 30 years.
Guest:It's a mathematical system that I discovered that has implications for heavy stuff.
Guest:What Charles is trying to say is it's crazy shit that he found using a calculator.
Marc:But you do work on the molids, don't you?
Guest:Oh, yeah, molids, and that led to my invention of the golden section device, what I call aziers.
Guest:Aziers.
Guest:Yeah, you can use it to find the golden section.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But molids, just so anybody might be interested, if you were to perhaps say it is...
Guest:It is akin to what the DNA of the universe is.
Guest:There has to be some underlying principle that's mathematical, that's elegant, not like string theory.
Guest:And that's what I think it is.
Guest:Of course, to prove that, I have to wait for some physical event, perhaps from the Large Hadron Collider.
Marc:What physical event would provide the information that you need?
Guest:Well, in the particle accelerator, if they saw a particle split apart and it displayed some kind of symmetry that would be similar to patterns that I've already extrapolated, you could say, hey, look at that shit.
Guest:Motherfucker flashes.
Guest:Look at that.
Guest:Page 42.
Guest:Moles, baby.
Guest:Fuck Moli!
Marc:And then do you think you would be celebrated throughout the world as the original figure-outer of Moli's?
Guest:I have three major discoveries of my mark besides this little theater.
Guest:I can't take full credit.
Guest:Moles, also GRBs, gamma ray bursts.
Guest:What are those?
Guest:Motherfucker, don't you read?
Guest:I'm sorry, man.
Guest:Diet Coke is messing him up.
Guest:Ten years ago, we talked about all this stuff.
Guest:He was drinking something like Pepsi now.
Guest:A mountain don't.
Guest:Gamma ray bursts?
Guest:Gamma ray bursts.
Guest:Well, gamma ray is the most energetic form of electromagnetic radiation.
Guest:I feel that.
Guest:You know, you can tell that.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:You know, like Man in the Moon Marigolds.
Guest:You know, you got going from like visible light, then you got X-ray, and then gamma ray.
Guest:It's the shortest vibration.
Guest:Gamma ray bursts.
Guest:Just like I said, it's a burst of energy.
Guest:The biggest in the universe.
Guest:You discovered this?
Guest:No, I didn't discover it.
Mother...
Guest:Don't make me fucking make you make me.
Guest:It is not true.
Marc:I'm going to just highlight this part.
Marc:Oh, I didn't read the emails.
Marc:Damn it.
Marc:Hold on a second.
Guest:Fuck emails.
Guest:For now.
Guest:They were discovered accidentally in the 60s when they sent up satellites to monitor for atomic testing.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:They saw these gamma rays and thought the Russians were testing bombs in space.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Then they thought they were coming from this galaxy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They are not.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And they've thought everything from a comet falling into a neutron star to the death of a massive black hole.
Guest:The people studying them say that they are random.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I have found a mathematical proof that they are not.
Guest:Let me just say that one more time.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:From the mathematical proof that gamma rays are not random.
Guest:Draw your own conclusion, mother bumpers.
Guest:So the implications are... You're big.
Guest:It's huge.
Guest:It's something wacky we don't know anything about.
Guest:Or what I actually believe, it is a communication from an ancient civilization that lived a long time ago, that achieved very advanced technological abilities, and they sent out these things, just like all humans do, all creatures.
Guest:They sent out stuff to impress people.
Guest:It's all about women.
Guest:so you say the gamma rays are the attempt of a dead civilization to get laid well they were getting laid but like you know to make it better we have taken anything what can we do for the girls hmm what if we were to communicate with future civilizations that would impress Trixie and what's the third thing if we could could we yeah
Guest:Well, I could do that for you.
Guest:The third thing is another life form that's not really known on the earth.
Guest:And you found it?
Guest:I have photographs.
Guest:Some people have some evidence of something they call orbs when you take photographs.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now, sometimes these things will be dust.
Guest:or some anomaly on the lens.
Guest:There are other instances where it is not anything known.
Guest:In addition to that, last summer, I discovered what I call trids, which are, they look like little insects, but then when you slow them down in infrared, as I have, they're not insects.
Guest:What are they?
Guest:Motherfucker, I don't know.
Guest:They're trids!
Marc:Mo leads in trids.
Guest:Mo leads in GRB, baby.
Guest:Shit is rocking.
Guest:Have you alienated your family?
Guest:Family?
Guest:This is my family.
Guest:All is one.
Guest:Israel, the Lord is one.
Guest:That don't mean half.
Guest:Four quarters.
Guest:Four quarters is one.
Guest:You ain't listening, mom.
Marc:That's because I'm exhausted.
Guest:You're exhausted.
Guest:I've been drinking Diet Coke all night.
Marc:You know what doesn't frighten me?
Marc:Silence.
Marc:Silence?
Marc:It doesn't frighten me.
Marc:Does it frighten you?
Guest:Not if it lasts for too long.
Guest:If it lasts a long time, then you just realize you're alone.
Guest:But a silence, it just means there's a big laugh coming.
Marc:I hope you're going to get it.
Guest:I'm not worried about it.
Guest:I brought my own.
Guest:Because, you know, it's good to have an audience because that gives you some kind of understanding.
Guest:Now, do you think that this, well, this microphone is not that funny.
Guest:And this one, look at that.
Guest:That's fucked up, man.
Guest:Yeah, this is for you.
Guest:This is for the little guy.
Guest:What the fuck is up with this one, man?
Guest:Yeah, that's over there.
Guest:That one looks a little longer than the other ones.
Marc:Charles Fleischer, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:You want to move down one?
Marc:You want me to?
Marc:Yeah, move down one.
Marc:I'll bring the next guy out.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You got to bring your cushion with you.
Guest:No, this work gets tricky.
Guest:This is where I probably... Yeah, that's good.
Guest:Do I participate now or just shut the fuck up?
Marc:No, you can hang out.
Marc:I'm going to bring an Australian out, so that's going to make a big difference.
Marc:Oh, that's good.
Marc:Should I go down under?
Marc:Do whatever you need to do.
Marc:My next act.
Marc:Don't ask what you can't do.
Marc:I've had In the Garage before.
Marc:He's a very funny man.
Marc:I was first attracted to his work because of his incredible posters.
Marc:Brendan Burns, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Brendan Burns.
Marc:Now let's discuss, the first time I met you was in Australia.
Marc:And you have to understand that Brendan had made a poster.
Marc:Was it in Australia?
Marc:No, it was in Edinburgh, Scotland.
Marc:And Brendan Byrne had made a poster for his show that basically said, I can't remember what it said, but it implied that you were going to cover everything that ever existed in mankind.
Marc:And at that time, you were sporting a handlebar mustache.
Marc:And what is it that I said to you that you remember so well?
Guest:uh oh no we sat down and i said hi how you doing yeah we've heard of one another yeah and uh i was trying to get you some work in australia yeah and you went ah i need to see you first before you can do that and i was like i'm doing you a fucking favor mate you've misread the situation and he goes ah you're a bells and whistles guy oh yeah i was like all right new boy
Guest:Come around here throwing your imaginary weight around.
Marc:I think what I was trying to say is I don't give a fuck if I ever play Australia.
Guest:Hey, you know what?
Guest:That makes two of us.
Guest:I think Australia's a nice place.
Guest:Point, counterpoint.
Guest:Back to you, Aborigine haters.
Guest:Aborigine-itis.
Guest:Same thing, The Last Way was a good movie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Richard Chamberlain when he was still on the border.
Marc:That Aborigine, that's all in all the movies.
Marc:What's his name?
Marc:Do you know his name?
Marc:He should be a big star.
Guest:Am I being addressed again?
Marc:Oh, good.
Marc:The one Aborigine guy that's in every movie.
Marc:What's his name?
Guest:Oh, you mean Ernie Dingo.
Marc:Yeah, is that his name?
Guest:Ernie Dingo.
Guest:Yeah, is that his name?
Guest:He's a fucking legend.
Guest:His friends call him E.D.
Marc:Now... He's got one joke.
Marc:He's a comedian.
Marc:No, is it the old guy?
Marc:No, the guy who was in Walkabout and also in... What's his name?
Marc:Galpalil.
Guest:And you live there.
Guest:Yeah, I was going to say, I don't watch movies that remind me of my guilt.
Guest:I think that's very... Deny!
Guest:Deny!
Guest:You know what?
Guest:At least South Africans had the balls to give their separatism a name.
Guest:I, uh...
Guest:Australia's a little ropey.
Guest:We're a very liberal country, just don't fucking be there first.
Guest:Alright?
Guest:How dare you scoff in America!
Guest:The most stolen territory on the planet.
Guest:Did anybody scoff?
Guest:No, they went... Was that a scoff?
Guest:Oh, they don't know any better in convict land.
Guest:You fucking wannabe British motherfuckers.
Guest:I've been to this gig before.
Guest:See, I'm losing my warmth.
Guest:What is wrong with me?
Marc:Yeah, well, we had a long discussion about this on the phone.
Marc:Can we go there?
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Marc:Brendan did a show the other night and he walked on stage and immediately assumed they wouldn't like him.
Marc:He said, oh, look at me.
Marc:I'm from Australia.
Marc:You hate me.
Marc:I have to follow Jeff Garland, which is making me uncomfortable.
Marc:And fuck you.
Marc:Now I'm going to perform.
Marc:That was a translation of it.
Guest:And in fairness as well, I did nothing but bells and whistles in front of Mark.
Guest:I went, no.
Marc:Well, what is it that you feel like you're not doing up there, Brendan?
Guest:If you want to work it out in front of an intimate crowd.
Guest:You are going to love this.
Guest:The perfect thing happened.
Guest:You know how life just...
Guest:I'm a multitasker.
Guest:I'm not remaining with my feet.
Marc:For those listening, Charles has begun to sketch and he's put his glasses on.
Guest:I got to stay busy, by the way.
Marc:And Brendan has just woke him up.
Guest:My little coffee shop next door, Victor's, look how big the receipt is.
Guest:Isn't that ridiculous?
Guest:Is that big or small?
Guest:It's little, isn't it?
Guest:Can I get the bill?
Guest:Yeah, there it is.
Guest:You are crushing me here.
Guest:You're scoffing.
Guest:A receipt is more interesting to you, sir.
Guest:That's because you're scoffing than my struggles.
Marc:Struggle, not scoffer.
Marc:All right, you go ahead and color.
Guest:I'm just going to go.
Guest:I want the numbers in there for you.
Marc:Okay, okay, okay.
Marc:I'm going to draw your words, so speak slowly.
Marc:Do you want a pudding cup or anything?
Guest:Oh, pudding cup.
Guest:I like a pudding cup with nothing in it.
Guest:You want a juice box, Uncle Charles?
Guest:Juice box?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:For those of you listening, they are like literally talking past me.
Guest:No, we're seeing through you.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:Like a lob.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Oh, snap.
Marc:That hurt me.
Guest:No, I threw it.
Marc:Because it went right through you and hit me.
Marc:It's ricochet.
Marc:And he hit, boom, right back at you.
Guest:Do not patronize me.
Guest:I threw you a lob, and you smashed it out of the park.
Guest:A lob?
Guest:See?
And this is...
Marc:I'll give you a dog.
Guest:I can see that.
Marc:Of course you can see it.
Marc:Your eyes are valuable.
Marc:Brendan was about to reveal some deep stuff.
Marc:Charles, let's give him an opportunity.
Guest:I forgot this is different from the garage, isn't it?
Guest:You show vulnerability here, you're going to get slaughtered.
Marc:This is hands-on, Brendan.
Marc:A lot of people in this audience, it's going well, but there's some people that are unclear how to... Oh, now we're switching glasses.
Marc:Charles has chosen his own glasses over Brendan's glasses.
Guest:So, yeah, I think we were discussing it, and I was using, like, some of my old defense mechanisms.
Guest:I think, like, 10 days in New York, and everyone was kind of like, ah, New York toughens you up as a comic.
Guest:And I'm like, I play Glasgow.
Guest:I don't need toughening up.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, New York isn't exactly spooky.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:It's a parochial nightmare.
Guest:Stop picking my hair.
Guest:You're a grown man for crying out loud.
Guest:I'm preening.
Guest:So, Jessica Rabbit, did you ever tap that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Once you do toon poon, you don't go back soon.
Guest:Like another lob.
Guest:Another lob.
Guest:Another lob?
Guest:You thought you had him.
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:That was a lob.
Guest:You did.
Guest:That was a gift.
Marc:Of course it was a gift.
Guest:They're all gifts.
Guest:Yes, exactly.
Guest:Especially if you're in the lobby.
Marc:All right, so let me try to... Can I try to...
Guest:I got the Australian with the lobby joke.
Guest:Fuck me!
Guest:Talk about feeding candy to a fish in the barrel.
Guest:Twice.
Guest:I own you now, Lance.
Guest:Lance?
Guest:That's a verb.
Guest:And a noun.
Guest:Let's play Parchees.
Guest:You can't battle with the wizard.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:It is not a battle.
Guest:It is a gift.
Guest:Not when every word is bringing it out of a coma.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:These are the words that brought me back to the light.
Guest:No, I'm not mocking you.
Guest:That was a compliment.
Guest:Mock?
Guest:See, I am losing my warmth.
Marc:This was Brendan's attempt at warmth the other night when I saw you.
Marc:This is how you were being warm.
Guest:Am I right, madam?
Guest:Madam, am I right?
Guest:Do you understand me, madam?
Guest:That's all I'm saying, madam.
Guest:This is so right.
Guest:It's bang on, although a bit Dick Van Dyke.
Guest:It wasn't Mary Poppins in the front row.
Guest:More Jerry Van Dyke.
Guest:Lost on me.
Guest:He worked.
Guest:It's Dick's brother.
Guest:Yeah, he got work occasionally.
Guest:It's kind of like the Sylvester Stallone brother thing.
Guest:Hey, number 71, where are you going?
Yeah.
Guest:He's going to look for 72.
Marc:You got to take a leak?
Marc:You might miss something here.
Marc:We got the wizard and the insecure Aussie there.
Guest:Vulnerable.
Guest:What's the difference?
Marc:Let's tell that story, though, the one that you reminded me of that I don't think we talked about on the other podcast.
Marc:Here's what I love about Brendan.
Marc:He'll tell you stories.
Marc:He said, did you hear about the mushroom story?
Marc:And I'm like, no.
Marc:He's like, that was me.
Guest:laughter laughter laughter laughter
Marc:Like, not only had I not heard the story, but apparently it was him.
Guest:No.
Guest:Well, it's because... Actually, like, I was sitting down with the management here only recently, and they said, like, you've not done that much telly.
Guest:You're something of a technotard.
Guest:And yet, how have you managed to maintain a career?
Guest:And it's because... Is your mic working?
Guest:Are we having problems hearing me?
Guest:That's good.
Guest:Yeah, okay, telly.
Guest:This is rare.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:Is that the unfunny mic?
Guest:No, no, it's good.
Guest:You gave me the unfunny mic.
Guest:Now it was...
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Guest:See, again and again.
Guest:Love me.
Guest:Love me.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:You haven't done a lot of telly.
Guest:And I said I've just been a part of a lot of stories that I don't particularly remember.
Marc:Right.
Guest:So when I say, have you heard the mushroom story, it's so that you can remind me, because I was a bit fucking out there while it was happening.
Marc:Well, it sounded like I wanted to hear it, and I'd like you to share it with all of us.
Guest:Oh, jeez.
Marc:Not a long, long one, but, you know, can you... Paul Provenza's here.
Guest:He filmed the whole thing.
Marc:We're not showing movies here, Brendan.
Marc:I was really hoping that... And thanks for coming.
Marc:Are you here, Paul?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:All right, so... Wow!
Guest:Whatever you do, don't acknowledge people in this room, Paul.
Marc:The last time I saw Paul, I was performing for the Nine Hippies at the Freedom and Peace benefit.
Marc:And towards the end of my set, though I couldn't see who it was, he said, when are you going to be done?
Guest:That's because he has his own show on Showtime.
Marc:Yeah, it's a very good show.
Guest:Automatically, everything comes across like a voice.
Marc:This is an audition too, Charles.
Marc:I think you're in.
Marc:Everything's an audition.
Guest:Everything's an audition except for the things that you don't get.
Guest:There was a wonderful heckle at the Glastonbury Festival one time where I think it was Tommy Cockles who's a character comic was on stage.
Guest:Glastonbury's like the biggest music festival in the world.
Guest:Tommy Cockles?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It's a character.
Guest:It's a piss take of the music hall.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And the police turn a blind eye for like a weekend and everyone takes drugs quite openly.
Guest:You can ask a cop for a light on a joint.
Guest:And so he's in the middle of his set doing this musical character comic and this hippie woman runs to the front of the stage and goes, Why don't you take off that mask and stop telling lies?
Guest:LAUGHTER And what was the response to that?
Guest:Fucking nothing!
LAUGHTER
Guest:What can you do?
Guest:My favorite heckle story of all time was in the Australian Outback.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Of course it was.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You can imagine.
Guest:Where else would it happen?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is like the Australia from the beer adverts.
Guest:The Toothless, the Blue Singlets, the... And you were performing out there?
Guest:No, no, I wasn't.
Guest:It was Haskell Daniel and Pete Fox.
Guest:All these weird names, it's great.
Guest:I know, and they were in the corner of a bar, and they only had like a crappy little PA, a mic lead, like a meter long, and one of those little pen microphones, and it's all these outback Aussies going, we're going to say some fucking comedy, fucking sing a song about Abbos, that'll be good, wouldn't it?
Guest:No, no, no, I'm not acknowledging that, sir.
Guest:I don't approve when I say that.
Marc:He said it in an accent, so that means it's not him.
Yeah.
Guest:I was, yes.
Marc:Just like all of Charles' accents are just tributes to the different races.
Guest:Yes, I understand.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:It's all true.
Guest:I understand this is the UCB, so just pretend Bob Odenkirk said it.
Guest:And hide behind detached irony.
Guest:There we go, but yes.
Guest:Thank you for explaining my joke to me.
Marc:I'm losing my warmth!
Marc:I think you found your new hook.
Marc:I think we just found it.
Marc:I know I'm going to see you in a year.
Marc:You go, hey, Mark, you're here with the new tour.
Marc:I'm losing my warmth to it because of you, buddy.
Guest:I could listen to you doing me all day long.
Guest:It is remarkable.
Guest:It sounds like you're underwater.
Guest:It doesn't sound like you're doing an accent.
Blah, blah, blah.
Guest:That sounds like scuba.
Marc:Well, that's how I do accents.
Marc:I don't claim to be doing accents.
Guest:Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.
Guest:Acronym SCUBA.
Guest:SCUBA laser.
Guest:See?
Guest:From a coma.
Guest:From a coma?
Marc:He's not in a coma.
Marc:He's meditating.
Guest:I'm a semi-coma.
Guest:All right, so what's... Okay, I want to see some... So Haskell Daniel is in front of this beyond ambivalent audience, this tiny microphone, and he's a sound effects comic.
Guest:He blows the speakers in the first five seconds.
Guest:Considering this is Australian Outback, it's a thousand square miles.
Guest:Blows the speakers, does that mean other people speaking?
Guest:No.
Guest:Because this is America.
Guest:We have a lot of high-brow fellatio here.
Guest:If you say you blow the speakers, that means it's going to be a good concert.
Guest:I think you've understood everything I've said.
Guest:I think there's a willful misrepresentation going on here.
Guest:I think there's some sort of trick being played on me.
Guest:Misrepresentation is now married to misrepresentation.
Guest:It's Mr. Misunderstanding, as far as I can see.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Now, we... I got them.
Guest:I'm going to... You're very nice, Charles.
Guest:Apparently, you have to have someone to talk to when you're here.
Guest:I feel the same way.
Guest:Who are these fuckers, by the way?
Guest:For those of you listening, he is now just... Talking to the empty chair.
Guest:...just dropped addressing us all together.
Marc:That's why I wanted him here, because I knew it would make it interesting and slightly peculiar.
Guest:That's kind of cool.
Guest:Peculiar from the word pick your cooler, yeah.
Guest:You're new for it.
Guest:Pick a little piece of shit from my butt, monkey.
Guest:That changed it up.
Guest:Tired of that intellectual shit.
Guest:I'll drop low for you.
Guest:Can I ask, is there somewhere like in a golden archive, like filthy outtakes from Roger Rabbit where you just went nuts and started talking about butt rape and so on?
Marc:I think it's an honest question that deserves an answer.
Marc:Are there outtakes?
Guest:Go to www.fucktherabbit.com.
Guest:.net, backslash, my pussy's on fire, backslash, this ink stinks like somebody's neither part.
Marc:So make note of that.
Guest:Password is rabbitcock, and the username is suckmatundik.
Guest:They asked for that one, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:All right, now back to Brendan Byrne's story.
Guest:Yes, that was one of my worst lobs, I must admit.
Guest:So here we go.
Guest:That was my fault.
Guest:That was me.
Marc:So here we go.
Marc:You got the guys in the outback being racist but charming.
Marc:Yes.
Guest:Sorry, I lost a bit there.
Marc:That was the warmest thing you did all night was involuntarily dribble on yourself.
Marc:So that warmth is still in place.
Marc:That vulnerability that comes from embarrassment is still intact.
Marc:Yeah, see?
Marc:Okay.
Guest:So, it's like a thousand square miles.
Guest:People will drive the equipment.
Marc:Don't pay attention.
Guest:It's a hot tin roof.
Guest:They're all there with their wine coolers, their own deck chairs.
Guest:He blows the speakers, but he won't get paid.
Guest:So he has to do 20 minutes.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Going, ah!
Guest:Ah!
Guest:with no amplification whatsoever.
Guest:He walks off to the sound of his own feet after 20 minutes.
Guest:Then the next act gets on, and let's just say the originality of his material is a little ropey.
Guest:So in Sydney, he wouldn't get busted, but he's like doing Stephen Wright lines, you know, cerebral material, in outback Australia.
Guest:That's Alabama times a thousand.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so he's going, sponges grow in the ocean.
Guest:That kills me.
Guest:How big would the ocean be if that didn't happen?
Guest:Right.
Guest:That's my Stephen Wright.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:And so after five minutes of, I mean, no one's even booing.
Guest:No one's even doing anything.
Guest:They're just looking around going...
Guest:And eventually this Aussie guy in the middle of the room puts his hand up so humbly, no malice whatsoever.
Guest:And he's like, finally some interaction.
Guest:He goes, what is it?
Guest:And the guy looks around, checks that he can speak for everyone and goes, I'm not sure what you're doing.
Guest:It gets better.
Guest:I'm sure it's very good.
Guest:But you may have noticed, we've all come a long way to be entertained.
Guest:And it's just not working out, mate.
Guest:Brendan Burns, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, just move down.
Marc:There's other mics, Charles.
Guest:Move down, babes.
Marc:Oh, God, this is amazing.
Marc:Can I read an email from my father?
Marc:I know you all know my father, and he doesn't know that he appears on the show, so no one tell him.
Marc:But apparently, he had a patient that did.
Marc:Now, this is all I got.
Marc:And in the subject line, it says rage and moth.
Marc:I don't know what that means.
Marc:But that's what it says in the subject line.
Marc:And this is all that's on the email.
Marc:A bright Walt Diz writer, patient mention your podcast.
Marc:Seems to be an avid fan of M.M.
Marc:Wish I had time to hear the entry via Sprinkle, etc.
Marc:Dad.
Marc:Can anyone even begin to fucking understand?
Marc:Charles, what is my father mean by Sprinkle, etc.?
Marc:Your father would like a cupcake.
Guest:With Mickey Mouse on it.
Guest:And he wants to do some editing with the Avid machine.
Guest:And M.M.
Guest:could be Mickey Mouse or just the candy or the wrapper.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:Or Marc Maron.
Marc:That's how my dad refers to me.
Marc:And that water spot is really lovely.
Marc:Yeah, and look at what my dad... I don't know why old men do this, but he's got a little guy on there.
Marc:See the little guy?
Marc:Surrounded by dancing dots.
Marc:That's used in chat rooms to attract people.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Can I say, that is so beautiful that since the success of the podcast, that just by mere suggestion, you've managed to make your dad a parodic character that people identify with.
Guest:You don't even need any background.
Guest:You are just like going, oh yeah, Maren's dad.
Guest:Yeah, they know him.
Marc:They've heard him.
Guest:Accidentally famous.
Marc:Your dad's name is Barry?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Your dad's pretty cool.
Marc:Okay.
Okay.
Marc:You guys have a lot in common.
Guest:His email address, I won't give the details, but it's bmaron2000.
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Man, your dad is cool.
Guest:Don't email him.
Guest:I didn't tell him what to complete.
Guest:It could be AOL, it could be DDC, or NBDEL.
Marc:This is from Michael, and I'm just going to read the PS on this.
Marc:PS, my kid has a pair of superhero underpants with the word POW all over them.
Marc:One day he shit his pants...
Marc:He was only two, and I thought of sending you a picture.
Marc:Thought that might be weird, so I didn't.
Marc:Pretty meta, though, huh?
Marc:And one other one, then we'll bring out Andrew Daly.
Marc:We started a little late, so we're going to keep going.
Marc:Don't worry about that one.
Marc:Mark, I was listening.
Marc:This is from Jay.
Marc:Mark, I was listening to the podcast this week, Louis C.K.
Marc:Part 1, and began thinking about your sponsorship options.
Marc:... ... ... ...
Marc:Then, when it occurred to me that Puffs was a P&G company, Tampax followed suit in my line of possibilities.
Marc:Lotions, oils, bath, and body works, etc.
Marc:The possibilities are endless.
Marc:I guess what I'm saying is that there are a lot of feminine emotional products here that are untapped in the podcast world, and you, my friend, you could make a real killing here.
Marc:The marriage between a tear-fest, estrogen-charged podcast like this one and products such as these just makes sense.
Marc:Whereas I'm sure that podcast was cathartic and cleansing for you and Louie, let me give you an idea of how it translates to the listener.
Marc:I miss you.
Marc:I miss you.
Marc:Sniffle.
Marc:Sniffle.
Marc:Sniffle.
Marc:Boo hoo.
Marc:Wah.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:No, I'm sorry.
Marc:Hold me.
Marc:Kiss me.
Marc:Slow down.
Marc:Not so fast.
Marc:Ow.
Marc:Not so deep.
Marc:It hurts.
Marc:And so on and so on.
Marc:You get the idea.
Marc:But then, of course, he says, just kidding, buddy.
Marc:The podcast was great.
Marc:I'm looking forward to part two.
Marc:Love you.
Marc:Love your podcast.
Marc:Hope to catch you in Cincy next month.
Marc:Keep on what the fucking.
Guest:That's an audition letter.
Guest:He's trying to show you he can write.
Marc:Yeah, I get a lot of those.
Guest:He wants a job.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Same address as your father, though.
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out our next guest.
Marc:You've seen him as the principal on Eastbound and Down.
Marc:Am I getting that right?
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, that's great.
Guest:Andy Daly, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:TV's Andy Daly.
Guest:I have awkward news.
Guest:What?
Guest:While I was backstage, I just cracked muleeds.
Guest:I totally figured it out.
Guest:It was incredibly and remarkably easy.
Guest:What'd you get?
Guest:It's an oval with a hat on it instead of a circle.
Guest:Yeah, that's it.
Guest:It was so easy.
Guest:So easy.
Guest:Sorry, 30 years, huh?
Guest:30 years.
Guest:I can finally relax.
Guest:Can you hang on GRBs, mister?
Guest:No, you're right about the GRBs.
Guest:That wasn't ancient civilization, no doubt about that.
Guest:But this is a big burden off your shoulders, the mole eats thing.
Guest:Well, I still have responsibility to the people of Ghana.
Marc:What the fuck is everyone talking about?
Guest:I don't know what that is.
Marc:I don't know what he means.
Guest:No, they don't need you.
Guest:They don't need you.
Guest:Andy.
Guest:They've got enough problems.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Andy, have you met Charles Fischer before?
Guest:Just backstage.
Guest:I met who I thought was him.
Guest:Yeah, that's him.
Guest:That wasn't me backstage.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Are now all three of you going to talk through me?
Guest:You're still here.
Guest:I enjoyed your segment.
Guest:I can't believe Stephen Wright played the Outback Steakhouse.
Guest:Is that what that was about?
Guest:Some of that laughter was sincere.
Guest:A little of it.
Marc:Look at that, man.
Marc:It's not now.
Marc:Don't you love it when guys that you know from television as being sort of pleasant nerdy guys are just evil fucking cutting bastards?
Guest:Oh, it isn't like that at all.
Marc:I'm a sweetheart.
Marc:I know you are.
Marc:That fucking show is hilarious.
Marc:He's pounding down?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's amazing, isn't it?
Marc:It's really funny.
Marc:It is funny.
Marc:And I'm not a guy that thinks things are funny all around, but I've really taken to that fucking show.
Marc:I thought I only liked it because I was on it, but you're not on it and you like it.
Guest:Now you sound like Charles.
Guest:They use real baseballs for the pitching.
Guest:That is true.
Guest:That is true.
Guest:That is true.
Guest:Boy, recording the voices for Roger Rabbit was a long process.
Guest:It took a while, didn't it?
Guest:Charles, get down.
Guest:Get down, Charles.
Guest:We'll give you a show back.
Guest:We'll give you a show back.
Guest:I like this part of the show.
Guest:It's all about you.
Guest:I'm ready for more.
Guest:So now, Danny McBride.
Marc:I mean, is he a fucking good guy?
Marc:I know I don't want to be like this catty guy, but is he a good guy?
Guest:He is.
Guest:He's a really good guy, yeah.
Marc:He's funny as fuck.
Marc:Where the hell did he come from?
Guest:He was in North Carolina, and Jody Hill directed a movie with him starring in it.
Guest:Oh, the kickboxing movie.
Guest:Yeah, right, and it just took off, the two of them.
Guest:And how'd you get involved with it?
Guest:I auditioned to be the principal, and he spounded down, and they said, all right.
Guest:That was it?
Guest:That was it, yeah.
Guest:Well, you know, Will Ferrell produced it, and at the time that I auditioned, I was in semi-pro.
Guest:We were shooting semi-pro, so I think you probably put in a good word for me.
Guest:You're like that guy in a lot of movies.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Sometimes I'm a passive-aggressive jerky boss.
Guest:A lot of the time, I'm the other man who is bound to be cuckolded.
Guest:If I have a wife or a girlfriend in anything, I'm not going to have them long.
LAUGHTER
Guest:That's for sure.
Guest:Just know that going in.
Marc:But do you know that you're that guy?
Marc:Yeah!
Guest:I do.
Guest:I think it's just fun for writers and directors to hurt something beautiful.
Guest:I think that's what they like to do.
Guest:I really am that.
Marc:When you started, though, did you think you were going to be typecasted as the cuck-holded, sort of, ineffectual dork man?
Guest:No!
Guest:I didn't!
Guest:What did I think I was going to do when I started?
Guest:Just make a lot of money and retire a long time ago.
Guest:That's what I thought.
Marc:But for the rest of your life, you're probably going to be that guy.
Marc:Yeah!
Yeah!
Guest:yeah work is work i don't care is like cuckolded like the meanest word going as well like it's almost semi-automatopoeic for your mrs sucking another man's cock like yeah it's like cuckolded yeah look at you yeah she's made your cock old yeah can i ask you a question though because like have you ever been cuckolded in your life
Guest:Oh, not that I know of.
Guest:I did have a girlfriend who... Yeah, I had a girlfriend who told me at some point, she said, you know, I've cheated on every guy I've ever dated.
Guest:And then I was sort of waiting for the rest of that.
Guest:And I didn't... I should have said, including me, but I didn't want to know.
LAUGHTER
Guest:So yes is the answer.
Guest:I guess when you say it that way, yes.
Marc:I'm trying to ask, Brendan, you've got a fiancé.
Marc:I'm twice divorced.
Marc:I have a girlfriend that I'm afraid of.
Marc:And she's a slight person, and I'm terrified of her, and I believe that I'm on the verge of being cuckolded.
Marc:Now, is it cuckolded?
Guest:Hey, how long have you two been going out?
Guest:Because I met her the other night, and you'd just done that new routine that you'd done.
Guest:Yeah, I think I did it earlier.
Guest:And then you walked up to her afterwards, and she goes, that's the first time I've heard that bit.
Guest:It's a bit weird.
Guest:And he walks up and has this kind of air in his voice of like,
Guest:So are we okay?
Guest:Are we okay?
Guest:And it was almost like, you know, almost threatening her.
Guest:Like, so are you going to tolerate this?
Guest:Because it's going to happen a lot.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You don't understand.
Marc:That's how I say good morning.
Guest:Are we okay?
Marc:Did anything happen while I was asleep that fucked this up?
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:I would so happily listen to you doing breakfast radio.
Guest:I did.
Guest:For a long time.
Guest:Good morning, LA.
Guest:Are we okay?
Guest:Are we all right?
Guest:Are we good?
Marc:No, because...
Marc:I feel that it's some sort of... It's a unique type of cuckolding that's going on with me.
Marc:It's where I get... You know when you kind of go... No.
Marc:And then... Yeah, I have no idea of that.
Guest:I'd never do it.
Guest:I'd never do it.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:I hate that.
Guest:And then there's a... And then I say, it's like... Yeah.
Marc:And then they... Yeah, yeah.
Marc:That's like cuck holding square.
Marc:No.
Marc:No, here's where the cuck holding comes in.
Marc:The person you're doing that to just goes, oh, really?
Marc:Is that it?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Is that the same as cuck holding?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, like, I see where you're going with that.
Marc:Is it the same as cuckolding?
Guest:When you do everything you can to frighten and hurt the person, and they just... And I think the only way I can get rid of him is to get another cuck up me.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:You're just saying that she's not taking the bait, and that's worse than her fucking someone else.
Guest:I hadn't really thought about that much.
Marc:I don't...
Marc:So cuckolded means they're actually fucking someone else?
Guest:Yeah, right.
Marc:Oh, is that really it?
Marc:That is right.
Marc:Not necessarily.
Marc:Hold on a minute.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Is that happening?
Marc:Oh, it is.
Marc:Great.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Is she here?
Guest:Is that you?
Marc:Yeah, that's her.
Marc:All right.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Your girlfriend is very nice.
Marc:If you keep talking to her, she'll go, just stop talking.
Guest:This will give you an endearing vulnerability, having been cuckolded.
Guest:Believe me.
Marc:I'm not ready for that.
Marc:Did you say vulnerability?
Marc:I'm not ready.
Marc:I'm not ready for that, by the way.
Marc:So, Andy.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:I'm glad we got to this place.
Marc:This is wonderful.
Guest:Are you married?
Guest:You are married.
Marc:I'm a married man.
Marc:And how long have you been married?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Six years.
Guest:It's a long time.
Guest:Long time.
Guest:Do you have the children?
Guest:We got a three-year-old.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:It's ridiculous.
Marc:Why do people just grow up around me?
Guest:Well, but I haven't grown up.
Guest:There's a lot of problems.
Guest:I can't wake up in the morning.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Is it like a sad scene where your kid's going, Daddy, Daddy.
Guest:It's a lot like that, yeah.
Guest:I need someone to play with me is something we hear at about 7 in the morning.
Marc:And how do you respond to that?
Guest:Just go, yeah, let's put on a movie.
Guest:Winnie the Pooh will play with you in 1968.
Guest:Winnie the Pooh?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You'd think there'd be better names for a character for children than Pooh?
Marc:Did you know Roger Rabbit was on the other night?
Marc:Now I do.
Marc:You just made $7.
Guest:Perhaps I'll split it with you because you told me.
Guest:That's the way I play.
Marc:Your HBO half hour was on before that.
Guest:That's $42 extra for you.
Guest:I took my kid on the Roger Rabbit ride.
Guest:We went on the Roger Rabbit ride at Disneyland.
Guest:It is a fucking horrorscape.
Guest:It is absolutely terrifying.
Guest:What were you expecting, man?
What?
Guest:What do you expect?
Guest:It's Disneyland.
Guest:It's better than... I love that one.
Guest:That's a good ride.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:It's good if you're on acid and have manacles.
Guest:I took my kid to Disneyland and he has not forgiven me ever since.
Guest:You've got to be on acid.
Guest:Yeah, because being 11 is like being on acid.
Guest:And he was already in a shit mood.
Guest:There's queues everywhere.
Guest:There's people coming up just playing music at him.
Guest:Big... Oh!
Guest:Excuse me, I got excited.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:In Europe, at Euro Disney, you just... Chavs from England.
Guest:Do you have a word for that?
Marc:I haven't got a word for half the things you say.
Guest:Chavs?
Guest:Like white trash.
Marc:They go to Euro Disney.
Guest:Yeah, that's our word for that.
Guest:Kenny Powers-esque.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, it's almost like a hack turner phrase.
Guest:I feel empty saying it.
Guest:Thanks, mate.
Guest:Cheers.
Guest:But they have to have bodyguards at Euro Disney for the Mickey Mouse characters.
Guest:And I shit you not, I saw a Scouse Liverpudlian.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Someone from Liverpool.
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:Did you say a Lillipudian?
Marc:A Swiftian character with a very small.
Guest:Little midges come in and steal your ties.
Guest:Lilliputian.
Guest:Someone's been to England.
Guest:There it is.
Guest:But I saw a woman throw her baby at Goofy.
Guest:They mobbed them.
Guest:They have to have proper bouncers because they just go berserk once they see it.
Guest:But this woman threw her baby at Goofy, but not taking into account that the guy's eyes were here.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Like she was looking at the goofy eyes and thinking, well, it's facing me and just threw her baby.
Guest:And I'm like, don't throw your baby.
Guest:Don't throw your baby at any dog.
Guest:Expecting it to be caught.
Guest:Yes, exactly.
Guest:Never.
Guest:We set Snow White on fire the last time we were there.
Guest:Oh, you guys.
Guest:Just to see what would happen.
Guest:Hey, hey, there's kids in here this.
Guest:Probably.
Guest:So, Andy.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:It's great to be here.
Guest:What else you got going?
Guest:I'm doing a TV show right now called The Paul Reiser Show.
Guest:We're shooting that right now.
Guest:You remember Paul Reiser, Charles?
Guest:Paul Reiser and Paula Reiser.
Guest:Now, when he was on Curb Your Enthusiasm, the episode where they're going to blow up L.A., his wife wasn't named the real wife's name.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's not honest.
Guest:He's absolutely right.
Yeah.
Marc:Now, what is the new Paul Reiser show?
Marc:I'm not really that mad about things anymore.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:That is what it is.
Guest:No longer mad about you or anything else.
Guest:I'm okay with you now.
Guest:I've cooled off on you.
Guest:There's been a couple of cuckolds along.
Guest:What is it called?
Guest:It's just called that.
Guest:The Paul Reiser Show.
Guest:And it's him as himself.
Guest:And it's him as himself today, now a semi-retired comedian and his friends, of whom I am one, hanging around doing things.
Marc:Oddly, Paul Reiser was one of the first guys I approached when I wanted to do stand-up.
Marc:I was in college.
Marc:It was a comic strip.
Marc:I'd seen him in the movie Diner.
Marc:He was sitting in a booth.
Marc:And I had not done stand-up yet.
Marc:And I sat down in the booth across from him.
Marc:And I said, you know, man, you're great in diner.
Marc:I think you're really funny.
Marc:And I really want to do stand-up.
Marc:And he looks at me and goes, so do it.
Marc:That's helpful.
Marc:That's a kind of advice people need.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Daly, Brendan Barron, Charles Weiser.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You good?
Marc:Go on back.
Marc:I'm going to bring Jim out by himself.
Guest:Are we all right?
Marc:I'll meet him back.
Marc:Yeah, we're all right.
Marc:It was great.
Marc:Charles?
Marc:Yes, sir?
Marc:It was wonderful.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:I'm going to... Did I say it both ways?
Marc:Brendan Burns.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:Everyone's all hung up on their name.
Marc:See you later, professor.
Guest:Can we do this again?
Guest:I think it was a little slow.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Bring your... So this is it, then?
Marc:Well, you can hang out for a minute.
Marc:I'm just going to bring out one more guy, and then we're going to do a separate thing.
Guest:Okay, you got separate things going on.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Charles Fleischer.
Marc:Oh, man, somebody blew my foot.
Marc:I'll see you in a while.
Marc:You don't have to run away.
Marc:We'll be done in a minute.
Marc:Oh boy.
Marc:I don't know what happened.
Marc:It was very interesting, wasn't it?
Marc:You guys are great.
Guest:Stop talking!
Marc:It's my pleasure to bring on our final performer.
Marc:Hi, Charles.
Guest:I just wanted to ask you about the parking.
Guest:I was playing a little joke on you.
Guest:I know you're coming.
Marc:I'll give you the parking money.
Marc:Charles Fleischer.
Marc:How long was that going on?
Guest:The whole time?
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Now it's my pleasure to bring out for this month's remembrance, Mr. Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Hi, Jim.
Guest:I get to sit right next to you?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Yeah, we started a little late.
Marc:Yeah, let's do it.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Guest:On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the worst and 10 being even worse, how is your bed bug problem at home?
Marc:I had bed bugs in Astoria, New York, and I had them for a year, and they were fucking horrible.
Marc:And I understand you're having some paranoia.
Marc:Are they here now, the bed bugs?
Guest:Bed bugs are everywhere.
Marc:Yeah, I know, but see, it takes a while for a community to accept them.
Marc:It's sort of like AIDS for your house.
Marc:That...
Marc:that people are very ashamed.
Marc:No one wants to talk about it publicly, and that's how they spread, because people know if they go, like, I got bedbugs, then the person you're talking to is like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
Guest:You were just in the bedbug capital of the world, Vancouver.
Marc:Yeah, I don't have them, man, but I know what it's like to have them.
Guest:No, they can travel on you without you knowing them.
Marc:Dude, don't get me going there again.
Marc:I got an amp problem.
Marc:That's fucking bad enough, and I think that my garage was decimated by fucking termites, and it's being held, it's just a shell of stucco.
Guest:Have you encased your mattress?
No.
Marc:I had an encased mattress.
Guest:Encased your mattress.
Marc:You don't know what I went through.
Marc:I had to throw away a fucking mattress.
Marc:I was paranoid.
Guest:Hey, calm down.
Guest:Let's talk about this calmly.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Have you encased your mattress?
Guest:No, I haven't.
Guest:Have you?
Guest:Why the fuck not?
Guest:Because I don't have bed bugs.
Guest:How do you know you don't have bed bugs?
Guest:They can hibernate on you.
Guest:They travel on you for about a month without even biting.
Guest:This is the mythology of bed bugs.
Marc:They can live for a year and a half without eating.
Marc:They're wedge-shaped.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And they flatten themselves.
Guest:They live in your headboard.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No shit.
Marc:And in between your mattresses.
Marc:And in the wood.
Marc:And in... They can live in books.
Guest:Do you have a headboard?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Get rid of it.
Guest:Okay, Jim.
Guest:What about upholstery?
Guest:Do you have furniture?
Marc:I do, I have furniture.
Marc:Why is this about me?
Marc:You're the one who's scared of them.
Marc:I care about you.
Marc:What have you done in your house?
Marc:Are you just sleeping on the floor with no mattress and there's no furniture?
Marc:I never leave the apartment.
Guest:Not because of the bed bugs, but I use that as an excuse because I have no life.
Guest:I don't want to meet people.
Guest:I don't care about people.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I just care about the bed bugs.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I could talk about it for hours, but let's now do our monthly remembrance.
Marc:Could you hit the music, please?
Guest:Jim Hazelden, owner of the Segway Company.
Guest:Jim Hazleton, owner of the Segway Company, is no longer owner of the Segway Company.
Guest:Little did he know when he bought the company last December that he'd be buying the farm this month.
Guest:Witnesses say Hazleton was riding one of his scooters when it apparently scooted him over a 50-foot cliff into a river of scooter death.
Guest:Police found his body near the wrecked machine where paramedics pronounced him hilarious.
Guest:According to the investigation, officials said his multiple injuries were consistent with that of an idiot's.
Guest:A generous man, Hazelden is credited with donating over a thousand Segways to disabled vets who are now trying to donate them to the Taliban.
Guest:His death highlights five safety precautions riders should take when using the Segway mark.
Guest:Number one, don't buy one.
Guest:Number two, if you do buy one, don't buy one.
Guest:Number three, okay, so you bought one.
Guest:Now put it in storage.
Guest:Number four, always wear brightly colored clothing so police can easily find your mangled body at the bottom of a ravine.
Guest:Number five, if you wake up in the middle of the night to find one hovering over your bed, do not make eye contact.
Guest:Remember, as Judy Garland well documented in her experiences filming The Wizard of Oz, the little segways are incorrigible pranksters who have an insatiable sexual appetite.
Guest:Try to distract its attention with cigars and alcohol.
Guest:Then back away slowly while they pass out with their erections in their hands.
Guest:Family members are consoling themselves with the thought that right now Hazleton's up in heaven jamming with somebody else who also got killed by some funny invention.
Guest:Yeah, I didn't do a lot of research in that joke.
Guest:Haleson had requested his body be strapped to a Segway and stuck in a cornfield to scare away crows.
Guest:Mori Yohai, inventor of the cheese doodle.
Guest:This is sad.
Guest:Moriohai, inventor of the cheese doodle, is now cheese deadl.
Guest:Doctors say his heart gave out after hours of straining through a doodle.
Guest:Kind of like Elvis.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:By the time paramedics found the body, it was already caked with a delicious yellow powder and puffed to a delightful, crunchy consistency.
Yeah.
Guest:Plus he had cancer.
Guest:Six of one, half dozen of the other.
Guest:Life's a crapshoot.
Guest:That's what I'm saying.
Guest:While Yochai took pride in his invention, Mark, his family says he was more interested in pursuing Jewish mysticism.
Guest:True.
Guest:As you know, according to the Zohar, study of the Torah can only proceed along these three methods.
Guest:Pershat, directly interpreting meaning.
Guest:Remez, interpreting meaning through allegories.
Guest:And Darash, interpreting meaning by boiling it in vats, extruding it under high pressure through a narrow hole, and coating it with fake cheese.
Guest:Plus he had cancer.
Guest:Yo-hi requested his body be ground up with the body of the guy who invented Cheez Whiz and used as a sexual lubricant for turtles.
Marc:Thank you, Jim.
Marc:Jim Earl with this week's Remembrance.
Marc:Thank you, Jim.
Marc:It was very touching.
Marc:I don't...
Guest:I'll be at Infections in Lodi for a week, and Stiffy's in Stockton.
Guest:Thanks for plugging me.
Guest:Jim Ray, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Good night.
you