Episode 120 - Live in Austin
Guest:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Let's do this.
Marc:Live, WTF, at the parish in Austin, Texas.
Marc:What a great show we got.
Marc:Matt Bearden, we got Martha Kelly, Eric Crude, Bryson Turner, Lucas Melantis, Brian Gutman.
Marc:Goddammit, did I get everybody?
Marc:I don't even know.
Marc:Let's get some business out of the way.
Marc:You can fade it out.
Marc:Have you seen the new WTF tour shirt?
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:I'm being a responsible businessman.
Marc:Here's a free one.
Marc:Yay, people sitting on the floor.
Marc:And here's the other cat shirt, which I'm not... Okay, all right.
Marc:And I've got some justcoffee.coop coffee.
Marc:I brought it to fucking Austin.
Marc:Oh!
Marc:Oh, this is like an angry wedding.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:There was a battle over the WTF blend.
Marc:You can just go to the website, justcoffee.coop, and pick yourself somebody.
Marc:See how I just slipped that plug in?
Marc:Man, that was fucking smooth.
Marc:So, Austin, do I have anything else to give you?
Marc:I have stickers.
Marc:Okay, I'll try to live up to that.
Marc:Whatever that was.
Marc:It's so weird that it just happened, because I was on the plane.
Marc:Did you know Keith Richards has got an autobiography coming out?
Marc:How fucking great is that?
Marc:Am I an old man because I'm excited about that?
Marc:I was fucking thrilled.
Marc:I was reading Rolling Stone magazine and they had parts of it in the magazine.
Marc:And he's fucking smart.
Marc:He's philosophical.
Marc:He's interesting.
Marc:And it's weird that after 50 years of that guy being around and being a drug fiend and everyone talking shit about him, you're like, holy fuck, he's a genius.
Marc:And he was talking about heroin and about cocaine and about drinking and shit and how he has that reputation because he invented it.
Marc:You know, he's Keith Richards.
Marc:He's the lighthouse of that.
Marc:He is the beacon.
Marc:And he said that he was not as fucked up as everyone thinks he was and that the reason that he's lived so long is not some weird streak of luck.
Marc:He said, the trick is just don't do too much.
Marc:That's Keith Richards saying that.
Marc:He said, what people don't realize is like, if you do just one or two lines of blow, that'll last you all night.
Marc:And then I thought like, holy shit.
Marc:So the one angle is like, oh, he's saying just do coke responsibly and you can have a long career of drug use.
Marc:Or he's saying that all of us get really shitty coke because we're not a fucking Rolling Stone.
Marc:But I was just so excited to see it.
Marc:And then when you just screamed, of course, I'm on the plane and I've read the Keith Richards stuff.
Marc:So then I'm like, shit, man, I've got to listen to some 1972 or so Stone.
Marc:So I put on Get Your Ya-Yas Out and I listened to Midnight Rambler.
Marc:I don't know why I'm telling you this, but there's a part in Midnight Rambler where they do the guitar break and you can audibly hear one guy go, God damn!
Marc:And then some chick just goes, woo!
Marc:And then they do it again.
Marc:And the guy goes, god damn!
Marc:And the chick screams again.
Marc:And you know that whoever was mixing the sound on that is like, we gotta isolate that.
Marc:We gotta get that.
Marc:That makes the whole song.
Marc:Quick emails.
Marc:Let's do it.
Marc:Mark, good luck tonight in Austin.
Marc:I was looking forward to you coming to Texas and getting to see and hopefully meet you.
Marc:Long story short, sorry I can't come tonight.
laughter laughter laughter
Marc:Very thoughtful email.
Marc:However, I was born in Austin.
Marc:I know they take the motto, keep Austin weird very seriously.
Marc:I'm sure you'll fit right in and be in good company.
Marc:I don't mean that as a dig.
Marc:For me, it's very reassuring to be a quirky person and hear about someone else's quirks.
Marc:Please come back to Austin soon.
Marc:All right, I'll do that.
Marc:Maybe you can fucking show up.
Marc:Here we go.
Marc:Welcome to Austin.
Marc:Hey, man, I was so excited that you were coming to Austin, but what the fuck?
Marc:You picked a night I'm in rehearsal for Hamlet.
Marc:So I guess this is sort of like a to be or not to be here kind of thing for him.
Marc:which opens Thursday, and I know you don't know me or care at all about this, but I wanted to go and support you, and I can't, so when you look out and see an empty seat, just know at least one what-the-fucker is there in spirit.
Marc:Have fun tonight, Jill.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Marc:Again, but you're not here.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:I'm a longtime listener to WTF Podcast, and I find your work both inspiring and hilarious, but I have a question I thought you could help me with.
Marc:This is going to be... All right.
Marc:Like you, I've been married and divorced twice.
Marc:But because I'm only 37, I got it taken care of a lot quicker than you did.
Marc:In any case, I've been single for a few years again now, so I'm starting to date again.
Marc:The trouble is that women who are my age are all still happily married.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Have you really investigated that?
Marc:So that leaves me with two options.
Marc:I can date younger women, but I've found that they still have way too much hope and optimism.
Marc:And that sort of nonsense just pisses me off.
Marc:I'm more inclined to date older women who have more realistic, i.e.
Marc:pessimistic views of the world, like I do.
Marc:Unfortunately, many of these women come packaged with children.
Marc:I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have children of my own, although 20 years from now, I'd like to have a 20-year-old kid, so I'm not sure how we can arrange that.
Marc:And I worry that a woman with kids might be too selfless and grounded for my self-centered bullshit.
Marc:This guy is like me.
Marc:Please, it just doesn't seem right to get involved with someone when I'll just resent dealing with the kids.
Marc:That is true.
Marc:People should have more cats instead.
Marc:That's got its own weirdness.
Marc:That said, there are some hot moms around these days, so I don't want to close the door on an opportunity.
Marc:So what do I do?
Marc:I see that I have four options.
Marc:Date younger women and crush your spirit slowly over time.
Marc:Two, date older women with children and pretend that I don't hate it.
Marc:Three, date only the limited number of older women who are happily childless.
Marc:Or four, wait patiently until I grow into a middle-aged man with Clooney-esque mystique.
Marc:Thanks in advance for your help and guidance.
Marc:Again, there's a weird fallen logic on the last one.
Marc:The assumption that he'll be a middle-aged man with Clooney-esque mystique and not just some sad, angry fuck with cats.
Marc:I think it's where that falls off, but good luck with it, Steve.
Marc:All right, let's bring out our first guest.
Marc:He's a great comic and a local radio personality.
Marc:Please welcome Matt Beard into the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Matt Bearden, do we have a beef, man?
Marc:I'm worried that we do.
Marc:Well, what is it?
Marc:I seem to have... I think we're two contentious personalities.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:That's as far as I've gotten without thinking about it.
Marc:But I think I have to apologize to you for something.
Marc:I never fucking remember you.
Marc:And...
Guest:I would be embarrassed if that were not completely true.
Marc:Like, I've met you over and over again, and right now I feel like I'm just meeting you for the first time.
Guest:Do you want me to go through each time we've met?
Guest:I know them all.
Guest:I know them all.
Marc:Was I a dick at any of them?
Guest:Never been a dick, but I know them all.
Guest:Go ahead, man.
Guest:Can we talk or something?
Marc:Sure, yeah, we can talk.
Marc:There's just people hanging out.
Guest:Okay, this is going to float your boat, but...
Guest:I started comedy late.
Guest:I was like 30 when I started.
Guest:But you were one of the guys that I fucking loved before I started, right?
Guest:That I'd watch.
Guest:I know that sounds weird, but no, this makes it all the more pathetic later on.
Marc:I can take it.
Marc:It's good.
Marc:I can take it.
Guest:One of my first gigs ever was opening for you in Houston.
Guest:I have no recollection of that.
Guest:I know you don't.
Guest:I know you don't.
Guest:I know you don't because when I got the feature for you and I had moved up and I was like, hey, I'm featuring for you, you had no fucking recollection whatsoever that I had opened for you in Houston a scant, oh, I don't know, like 18 months before.
Guest:You were like, who?
Guest:What?
Guest:Huh?
Guest:I'm busy.
Guest:I got a fucking life.
Guest:I'm crazy.
Guest:Ah, pow, pow, pow.
Guest:Um...
Guest:And I was like, you know what, it's not that big of a deal.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:He's one of my heroes, but so what if we don't hit it off?
Guest:Now, also that same time, I don't know if this is uncomfortable.
Guest:Can we talk about someone you used to be married to?
Guest:Fuck her.
Marc:What are you bringing that shit up for?
Guest:Am I causing problems?
Guest:No, no, of course not.
Guest:I threw water at your ex-wife.
Marc:Right on, man.
Guest:That was a big weekend for me.
Guest:On purpose?
Guest:Yeah, and I've never thrown something from the stage at somebody, but I don't like her.
Guest:I'm going to be honest with you.
Guest:I don't like her.
Guest:Now this is... Me neither.
Guest:This is weird.
Guest:I live my life here.
Guest:I love the people of Austin.
Guest:People of Austin!
Guest:So I stay... I spend a little bit of time on the coast, but not much.
Guest:Also, I'm a pussy.
Guest:I don't want to move out there.
Guest:I'm too afraid.
Marc:I remember you were there briefly.
Guest:No, you don't, because I didn't know you then.
Guest:But good try.
Guest:Good try.
Guest:It was nice.
Guest:Nice.
Guest:Nice.
Guest:Proud of you.
Marc:So you threw water on Mishnah.
Marc:Why?
Marc:Oh, I mentioned her name.
Marc:That's a mistake.
Guest:Here's the deal.
Guest:She came out that... The week I was working with you, she showed up.
Guest:Right?
Guest:And then... Really?
Guest:And you had her guest spot.
Guest:And she was fucking rude to me the entire weekend.
Guest:And I don't mean like, oh, maybe you took it the wrong way.
Guest:She said, well, you know, like, I just don't like you... Like, you know, you road comics.
Guest:You're kind of all hacky.
Guest:Like, she was fucking rude.
Guest:Like, straight up rude.
Guest:And I was just like, fuck you.
Guest:I'm...
Guest:I might be hacky, but don't fucking tell me I'm hacky, bitch.
Guest:Fucking in my face.
Guest:So I'm on stage on Sunday, and here's what was killing me.
Guest:It was Sunday night.
Guest:We had a good week, and I had been trying to get your attention.
Guest:I liked you.
Guest:I wanted you to like me.
Guest:And I look out the fucking window, and you are laughing and slapping your knee, talking to my fucking roommate outside while I'm on stage.
Guest:His name is Brendan Walsh.
Guest:A lot of people know Brendan.
Guest:And I'm like, fuck.
Guest:I'm like, why the, I, I, but.
Marc:Yeah, I remember Brendan.
Guest:Well done, well done.
Guest:I'm winding up another softball.
Guest:Get ready.
Guest:So I start going into a joke, and I was like, so I got a weird gift for Christmas, and this guy yells out, punchlines?
Guest:That's pretty good heckle.
Guest:I'm going to be honest with you.
Guest:You did not do well on this Sunday show.
Guest:So be careful.
Guest:Just be careful.
Guest:I adore you, but you did not.
Marc:Wait, was that one of those nights where I was sucking so bad I had to do like an hour and a half?
Marc:I'm one of the only comics in the world.
Marc:Like, if I'm tanking, I'm not getting off.
Guest:Oh, I liked it.
Guest:Your thing was, you know what?
Guest:You don't like me.
Guest:I'm going to make sure you really don't like me.
Guest:I'll show you.
Guest:I will torture you.
Guest:So I look out in the audience, and I realize that the guy who's heckling me is sitting...
Guest:With your ex.
Guest:And I feel like there's a weird kind of comic thing that you would just be like, hey, even if you hate him, just shh.
Guest:And I was like, really?
Guest:You're just letting the guy that you're sitting with heckle me?
Guest:And she goes, just do your skitch.
Guest:And I fucking lost.
Guest:Also, I had a 104 fever.
Guest:I had a flu.
Guest:This is probably why we didn't make out.
Guest:And I lost my shit.
Guest:And for some reason, I had this glass of water.
Guest:And for some reason, I just threw the glass.
Guest:Like, not the glass.
Guest:Just the water.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:At her.
Marc:And did it hit her?
Marc:No.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
No.
Guest:I was weak, and I couldn't get the water all the way there.
Guest:And then also the weird thing that happened is I started throwing it.
Guest:I was like...
Guest:but then he'll never like me.
Guest:So I held up.
Marc:So you're like in the middle, you kind of balked and just let it go.
Guest:Well, I figured that way I would always cover, and that way I could just be like, well, I didn't throw water at your wife.
Guest:I threw it.
Guest:It was in a direction.
Guest:It didn't hit her, did it?
Guest:We're cool, right?
Guest:So I remember when I heard from someone that you all got divorced, I was like, oh, sweet, we can be friends again.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I met you in Las Vegas.
Guest:Do you remember that at all?
Guest:You have to remember because that was the most uncomfortable moment of my life in comedy.
Guest:Do you remember that?
Marc:I would hope so.
Marc:I remember it because I want to validate it.
Guest:I opened a show.
Guest:It was you and Bill Burr and Gould.
Guest:Oh, the HBO show?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay, I do remember that.
Marc:I don't remember you on it, but I remember...
Marc:It's perfect.
Marc:It's perfect.
Guest:Because I walk up to you and someone was like, hey, you have to go meet there for a tech walkthrough.
Guest:And I walk in and I see you talking to a lady.
Guest:I don't know who she is.
Guest:I guess it's Pat Buckles, right?
Guest:I guess at the time it's maybe who you're talking to.
Guest:I don't remember who it was.
Guest:It was whoever was running the show that night.
Guest:And I walk in and I see you and you make eye contact with me.
Guest:So I think you're going like, hey, from Austin.
Guest:And I go, hey, man, how are you?
Guest:You're like, fine.
Guest:And I was like, Matt, from Austin?
Guest:And you were like, uh, do we work together?
Guest:And I was like, yeah, we work together.
Guest:And you were like, oh, I was like, oh, you know what?
Guest:You opened?
Guest:I remember my features.
Guest:I was like, nah, I featured.
Guest:And I was like, I'm opening for you tonight.
Guest:And the woman who was running the show goes, he's just doing a little thing.
Guest:But it's the woman that runs the fucking HBO Comedy Festival.
Guest:He goes, he's not opening.
Guest:He's doing a little thing.
Guest:And then she goes, and she goes, sit down.
Guest:And I panicked, and I just sat down.
Guest:But it was you, Bill Burr, Dana Gould, sitting, knee slapping, talking about the show, me sitting in trouble.
Guest:Like, meh.
Guest:No one can back me up.
Guest:No one remembers.
Guest:Not in my own town where I am safe.
Guest:Panicked.
Guest:And now you don't remember me again.
Marc:No, I'm connecting.
Marc:I'm committing you to memory.
Marc:I'm committing you to memory now.
Guest:And you called me Texas at that whole festival.
Guest:You kept calling me Texas.
Guest:And that's why I knew.
Guest:I was like, he won't remember my name.
Guest:He'll remember me because you were like, anyway, I'll see you, Texas.
Guest:I'll see you, Texas.
Guest:I hate you.
Guest:I fucking hate you.
Guest:You know what's weird?
Guest:I'm going to have to play your own episode of your podcast back to you the next time I meet you so you know who the fuck I am.
Marc:Yeah, that would be a good idea, actually.
Guest:A year and a half ago, you were here for South by Southwest.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Were you there?
Guest:You said hello to me by name.
Guest:Do you not remember that at all?
Guest:No, I do, I do.
Guest:I do, Matt.
Guest:Matt Bearden.
Guest:Come on, Texas.
Guest:We're good.
Marc:Matt Bearden, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thanks.
Marc:Now it's my pleasure to bring out a comedian who I definitely remember and I've worked with many times over the years.
Marc:From Austin, she also appeared on the Conan O'Brien Show.
Marc:Please welcome Martha Kelly to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest:How about another round of applause for Mark and Matt, please.
Guest:I don't know, I'm moving that.
Guest:I'm not actually from Austin.
Guest:I'm from California.
Guest:But I've lived here a lot.
Guest:And the first time I moved to Austin was in 2000.
Guest:And when I moved here, I went out drinking and smoking every single night for a year straight, which was super fun for a while.
Guest:But then I started to feel kind of weird because before I moved to Austin, I kind of imagined myself becoming a new person once I lived here.
Guest:I just never imagined that that person might be Nick Nolte.
Guest:He's kind of a scruffy drunk.
Guest:One of the things that I love about Austin is how it really is weird.
Guest:It's like a cliche to keep Austin weird, but it is its own kind of...
Guest:charismatic weird southerner and uh there's a place by my house called the um wig spa the serenity wig spots on anderson lane and it's not a hair salon or a wig shop it's a wig spa
Guest:And it's my favorite place in Austin.
Guest:I never know what to get my wigs for Christmas.
Guest:And so day at the spa.
Guest:Everybody gets a day at the spa this year.
Guest:It's stupid.
Guest:I have kind of an exciting announcement.
Guest:I'm 42.
Guest:Congratulations to me.
Guest:People get excited.
Guest:People get very excited when you're in your 40s.
Guest:People go apeshit.
Guest:And...
Guest:uh this is not as exciting but i realized that i'm uh a cougar uh and i'm embarrassed about it like i know it's it's like i'm it's not i'm not proud of it i don't feel like i should be ashamed of it i don't do it all the time uh but like it is i'm a human being and uh as far as you know and uh
Guest:Don't sound like it, but I can't help doing it sometimes.
Guest:Because it's really fun.
Guest:Just once in a while, it's fun to get dressed up on a Saturday and just go out and hide behind a boulder and jump out at some hikers.
Guest:Just scare them out of their backpack.
Guest:And then frequently there's a sandwich in the backpack.
Guest:So you get double your fun.
Guest:Um...
Guest:This is the last thing.
Guest:And I'm apologizing in advance.
Guest:This is kind of sad, but it's a true story.
Guest:So that makes everything okay.
Guest:I had four cats when I moved here two years ago, and now I have three because one of them passed away a year ago.
Guest:And it was really hard.
Guest:She was 17, so she was old.
Guest:And she got sick and just got really sick really fast, and then I had to put her to sleep, which was awful.
Guest:I've never had to do that before with a pet, and I'd had her, like, my whole adult life.
Guest:So it was really hard.
Guest:And I hired a vet to come to the house, so at least she wouldn't have to do, like, a traumatic trip to the animal hospital.
Guest:And the vet came in, and I held my cat.
Guest:Her name was Precious, and I held her, and they gave her the shot, and she very quietly and seemingly gently passed away.
Guest:And I was, like, crying uncontrollably, embarrassingly in front of, like, these strangers and...
Guest:and couldn't stop, and they left, and I just sat there for like a half hour, just sobbing, and I just was holding her.
Guest:I couldn't let her go, and mostly I was crying with grief, but there were also some tears of triumph because she never let me hold her like that when she was alive, and so go to hell, old lady.
Guest:Thanks, you guys.
Guest:Martha Kelly.
Guest:That was awesome.
Guest:Come over here, Martha.
Marc:Let's talk now.
Marc:I actually, as a cat person, I got sad for most of that joke.
Marc:And then all of a sudden I found it very humorous.
Guest:Well, thank you.
Guest:I really was sad.
Guest:I didn't really laugh about her dying.
Guest:I mean, I wasn't glad that I could hold her.
Marc:I don't think that there's bad karma now from the cat.
Marc:I don't think the cat is looking down from heaven going, that bitch.
Yeah.
Guest:Well, she would if she were in heaven.
Guest:She would be doing that.
Guest:But she's not in heaven.
Guest:She's kind of an asshole.
Guest:Sorry.
Marc:You know, it's weird.
Marc:I have cats.
Marc:I do, and I've talked about them.
Marc:Many of the people in this room know about my cats.
Marc:But I don't see myself as a cat guy.
Marc:I don't have that personality, which means I have very nervous cats.
Marc:And...
Marc:But like, I don't know what your story is with, like, I mean, it's sort of common, not common, but usually women have cats.
Marc:Now, as a cat guy, do you find when you meet a cat guy that you're like, ugh, that's horrible?
Marc:Or do you actually bond around the cats?
Guest:I think there are two kinds of animal lovers.
Guest:There are the kind of people who love animals and also people.
Guest:And then there are some really weird people who only like animals.
Guest:And those people can go to hell.
Guest:But if you have a... Guys can have... Like guys, it's cute when guys like cats because it's... You have to be kind of gentle with them at least.
Guest:Not in general.
Marc:I don't find that I do that.
Marc:I am pretty gentle with them sometimes, but then I get sort of excited, and I want them to behave like dogs, and they just won't fucking do it.
Marc:Like sometimes I'll be petting monkey, and I'll be like, oh, monkey, and I'll just like, and I freak out.
Marc:And I'll be like, can't you just fucking be a dog for a second?
Guest:Why don't you get a dog?
Guest:I'm just scared.
Marc:They're too high maintenance.
Marc:I don't want anything in my house that's needier than me.
Guest:You would be surprised.
Guest:My dog is the... I'm the needy one in my relationship with my dog.
Marc:He's very... You walk around the house panting on all fours, expecting someone to feed you?
Guest:No, but I go to him to pet him much more than he comes to me to get petted.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:He's kind of spoiled.
Guest:You should get a dog who's already grown and house-trained.
Marc:You mean someone else's dog?
Guest:I got a problem with that.
Marc:When I went to fucking get a cat, they had all these sad cats that people just ditched.
Marc:And they looked sad.
Marc:They looked like some cats exuded like the old lady that used to own them.
Marc:And I'm like, I don't want that old lady's cat.
Marc:I mean, I felt bad that the cat were being held...
Marc:hostage you know or i hope someone else got him but i didn't want their cat so i picked this nightmarish feral lunatic cat that i realized was feral and somebody had scared the out of it and for the first five years i had it it was just like freaking out all over the place but he turned into a great cat see i like to break him in so now how many do you have i don't know
Marc:I've got three of my own, and then there's these other fucking idiots that eat the food, and I've got to deal with them.
Marc:There's a stray cat that sits out back and literally gives me stink eye if I don't feed it.
Marc:This fucking cat, it's this black and white cat.
Marc:For a while there, I'm like, you're just someone else's cat eating my quality food.
Marc:Get the fuck off of my porch.
Marc:There was a lot of that conversation.
Marc:And not unlike my current girlfriend, it just sat there going, fuck you.
Marc:I'm staying on the porch.
Marc:And now it'll sit out there and look at me expecting food, just sitting there.
Marc:And I don't want to feed it.
Marc:So I have that one.
Marc:And then I have another one that apparently lives under the deck.
Marc:But they don't let me touch them, but I still feed them.
Marc:So I guess I have five.
Marc:Is that too many?
Marc:No, don't judge me.
Marc:I've got two from a former life, one from the life before that, and then these other two fuckers that hang out.
Guest:That's not too much.
Guest:Especially if two of them are outside.
Guest:That's not too much?
Guest:No.
Marc:I tell you, if I tell a woman that I have five cats that I might be interested in dating, I might as well have said, I have AIDS.
Guest:That's not... But why would you tell someone you have cats?
Guest:Wait until you know them well enough to invite them home.
Guest:And then they can find out or not, because it sounds like some of your cats hide.
Marc:Yeah, that's always a good surprise for that first night you bring a girl home, but you're like, whoa, there's three of them?
Marc:What the fuck is wrong with you?
Guest:Then you don't want her.
Guest:If she really thinks that animals... You know what's funny?
Marc:My ex-wife, who left me, was allergic to them, and used to just sit up at night sneezing her head off, and I'd keep saying, what do you want me to do, get rid of the cats?
Guest:I should have thrown a cat at her.
Marc:Martha Kelly, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey.
Marc:This next performer is a favorite of mine.
Marc:I do remember working with him several times when I worked here in San Antonio and in Austin.
Marc:And he was one of the guys, like, sometimes when you do comedy a long time, you meet a young comic, and you actually feel concerned for them.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage, very funny, Lucas Milandes.
Thank you.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:The emails from earlier about the guy who was worried about dating younger versus older.
Guest:I'll be 31 in a couple of days, which it's not really old, but it's kind of the oldest I'll have ever been, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
Guest:I'm trying to think about this guy's plight, which is... I can't stand for more than 30 minutes without the small of my back hurting, because I've worked in retail for a long time, and
Guest:I don't know how to market that to young girls.
Guest:Like, if I quasi-modo my way up to them at the bar, like, where do you go to school?
Guest:Like, what am I going to say to them?
Guest:And it's not going to be, like, some university.
Guest:It's going to be DeVry or some online school because I don't have what it takes to date somebody who has hope or optimism.
Guest:I don't know how to... Like, how do I market myself to that person?
Guest:What am I going to say?
Guest:Like, what's my pickup line?
Guest:Hey, you know what?
Guest:Life is about mistakes, okay?
LAUGHTER
Guest:I could be that mistake for you.
Guest:Like, you know, you'll always worry about the guy who's going to break up with you for no reason.
Guest:But what about the guy who won't leave you, who just clutches into your heart like a parasite and won't let go?
Guest:Because that's how you build a relationship.
Guest:You don't need love.
Guest:Or spite.
Guest:That's kind of where... I saw the social network.
Guest:That's how you make billions of dollars out of hate.
Guest:There's no... Love doesn't do shit for... Like...
Guest:Out of all the slurs in the English language, love is my favorite because I've gotten into more trouble saying love to the wrong person than saying wet back to the wrong wet back.
Guest:And it's okay.
Guest:I can say that because I'm half racist.
Guest:I was in the bathroom and I saw a spider in there and I had a weird moment where I connected with the spider because his life is clearly not going the way he thought it would go.
Guest:I read Charlotte's Web.
Guest:He's not supposed to be in there.
Guest:He's supposed to be helping a pig out or something.
Guest:How did the system fail that guy?
Guest:Maybe the system didn't fail him.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Maybe he made his own choices and now I can relate to him even better because that's... That's how you end up in the bathroom is because you meet a girl who's the ray of sunshine that just comes into your life and gives your happiness skin cancer.
Guest:You know that girl?
Guest:And it's okay.
Guest:It's a two-way street because I'm sure I was that one.
Guest:But I just remember being a kid and my parents would read a story to me called The Little Engine That Could and that would show you how through hard work and optimism you can achieve anything which I think we all know is bullshit as you get...
Guest:older you realize some things just aren't meant for you and that's part of life is learning to let go of the things that aren't meant for you like love or relationships or happiness or financial freedom and education good relationships with your parents and all that stuff but it's not really about me at that point but as I've gotten older I've wondered what happened to the little engine that could as he got older and life tore into him a little bit and
Guest:You know, he got fired from his job because trains were obsolete.
Guest:Nobody needed him anymore.
Guest:And the only rails he's been on recently are the rails of cocaine that lead him straight to the gay bars every Friday night where he goes and he picks up three or four train wreck dudes or into that story about the one time he did something awesome with his stupid fucking life.
Guest:And he takes him home with him and he makes him have unprotected sex with him and he makes him choke him just so he can feel something again in his stupid life.
Guest:And...
Guest:And his wife comes home early from her business trip, and she's like, oh, my God, what's going on here?
Guest:This is disgusting.
Guest:And she runs out of the room crying.
Guest:And he's like, bitch, you can't leave me.
Guest:I'm the little engine that could.
Guest:Don't you know who I am?
Guest:And then he catches her in the front yard, and he starts punching her in the face, and she climaxes immediately because she had a weird childhood.
Guest:I guess what I'm trying to say is sobriety didn't really work out.
Guest:So, you know, anyways, enjoy it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Lucas Melandes.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:I forgot to give your credit.
Marc:You were the funniest man in Austin when?
Marc:2010.
Marc:So what comes with that honor?
Marc:Do you get a crown?
Guest:I did get a crown and a cape.
Guest:No, no, there's no belt.
Guest:There's just a cape.
Guest:I think a lot of people have... It's a cum rag, essentially.
Guest:It's a very high-brow cum rag.
Marc:The comic's cum rag?
Marc:It's just passed out from one comic to the next?
Guest:I sleep in it, knowing that.
Guest:It's weird, but...
Guest:It separates me from the shame of my body pillow.
Guest:Do you have a body pillow?
Marc:I do have a body pillow.
Marc:So you can't sleep unless you're hugging a thing?
Guest:Yeah, because I was in a long relationship and then we broke up.
Guest:You replaced her with a pillow?
Guest:Well, I think the pillow replaced her because you just get to that point where the last two years of your relationship are already dead anyways, so why not a pillow?
Guest:And so...
Guest:Sure, man.
Marc:I know where you're coming from.
Marc:I don't have cats.
Marc:Can I ask you a personal question?
Marc:Sure, sure.
Marc:Towards the end of my marriage, I used to, literally, I had four or five pillows on my bed, and I would barricade myself in with them.
Marc:I would surround myself with pillows, so I was incapable of touching her.
Marc:And literally, there was that moment where I'm like, oh my fucking God.
Marc:You're in your mother's vagina.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:I'm back in the womb.
Marc:I'm incapable of intimacy, and please, no one talk to me or touch me in here.
Marc:So wait, she was in the bed too?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You had like a fort.
Marc:Yeah, I had a fort to kill us.
Marc:Did that ever happen to you?
No.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Sure, Mark.
Marc:We were having a discussion over barbecue, over ribs, that you guys ate in some sort of weird, sleepless, hallucinating state this afternoon.
Guest:We haven't slept for like 30 hours.
Guest:Yeah, but you had some concern about your persona taking over yourself, which I thought was... Yeah, I feel like when I don't drink, because I was doing a show in Boston, and I wasn't drinking, but I become more bitter when I'm not drinking, and I become angry, but I realize that's not actually me, because I like to have fun, and I like to make people laugh, but then...
Guest:When they're not laughing, I put on this mask of like, well, then fuck you guys.
Guest:You just don't get it.
Guest:And I'm better off when I, as soon as I hit the stage, as soon as I get off stage, I'm like, yeah, I did it my way.
Guest:But then inside I'm crying.
Guest:And so.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:The guy who's alone saying, I won.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:That I've been, I'm familiar with that victory.
Marc:Fuck everybody.
Marc:I did it my way.
Guest:And then you surround yourself with pillows.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:And jerk off into a cum rag that I won for being the 2010 funniest guy in Austin.
Marc:I'll show them.
Marc:I'm a winner.
Guest:It is quite ornate.
Guest:It does.
Marc:Am I not helping?
Marc:I'm really trying to reach out here.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I am in a relationship.
Guest:How's that going?
Guest:It's good.
Guest:It's good.
Guest:I call it... It's kind of a blue-collar relationship.
Guest:What does that mean?
Guest:It means that I can put my time in, and at the end of the day, I don't have to worry about it, because I was in one of those salary relationships where you...
Guest:Get the call at 3 in the morning.
Guest:They're like, oh, I'm going to kill myself.
Guest:I'm like, shit, I thought I was off the clock, and now I've got to go back in and try to clean up that mess.
Guest:And so it's good because I've been in that, and I can't handle that.
Guest:That's why I drink so much and quit doing comedy for a year and a half and did a lot of mushrooms.
Marc:In Jersey.
Marc:So you quit comedy because a chick drained you of your life force with her neediness, and you went to New Jersey?
Marc:When you say it like that...
Guest:I'm trying to think that you seem to court.
Guest:When you say it like how it happened, it sounds kind of bad.
Guest:Look, I'm a different person now.
Marc:I've aged.
Marc:So you went to New Jersey to do mushrooms.
Marc:Out of all the places in the world, you might think that there'd be a better place to do mushrooms than fucking New Jersey.
Marc:But what better place than Jersey?
Marc:It's fucked up anyways, and why not just add to that?
Marc:I thought you wanted to have fun, not go to a mall.
Marc:LAUGHTER
Guest:Oh, I lived in the cancer-ridden area of... Oh, that sounds funner.
Guest:Yeah, near the... Now I'm starting to get it.
Guest:Yeah, near New York and Hoboken and all that area.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:So you actually went where some people go to do comedy.
Marc:Like, most people would move to New York to do comedy, but you quit doing comedy and moved closer to where you should be as a comic to not do comedy.
Marc:That's how much I hate myself.
Marc:Yes, now we get it.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:That's impressive.
Marc:What were you doing in Hoboken?
Guest:I didn't trust the water, and that's why I drank every morning at 10 o'clock.
Guest:I would buy a Tallboy of Miller or something like that.
Guest:As opposed to water?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, the water was weird, and so I didn't want that.
Guest:Beer is a natural replacement, not bottled water.
Guest:Bottled water was $1.50.
Guest:Beer was $0.99.
Guest:It's economics, too.
Guest:What am I going to do?
Marc:I've never heard a more beautifully clear rationalization for alcoholism in my life.
Marc:You're actually justifying the fact that you drank beer in the morning because you didn't like water, and now you're defending it as a rational way to live.
Marc:That's fucking impressive.
Marc:You want a drink?
Marc:You all right?
Marc:I got one over there.
Marc:Yeah, don't worry.
Marc:I know where she is.
Marc:Lucas Melandas, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Everybody doing good?
Marc:We've only got nine more comics.
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out, I think, another winner, if I'm not mistaken.
Marc:What year did you have the cum rag?
Marc:When?
Marc:2008.
Marc:2008.
Marc:Funniest comedian in Austin winner and cum rag owner.
Marc:Eric Krug, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Before we get to the jokes, I do want to tell you guys a story about myself.
Guest:When I was in the second grade, I won a baby chicken in a contest at school.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:I named my baby chicken Mrs. Peep.
Guest:And we kept Mrs. Peep in a little pen at night inside my room.
Guest:And to keep Mrs. Peep warm, we kept a lamp inside the pen.
Guest:However, we did not realize how hot the lamp would get.
Guest:And Mrs. Peep burned off one of her wings.
Guest:So in order to keep the lamp out of harm's way, my dad rigged the lamp on top of the pen, kept it out of harm's way.
Guest:However, my dad, not very good with tools, the lamp fell down on top of Mrs. Peep and burned off her other wing.
Guest:So Mrs. Peep was not having a good life with us, no matter how hard we tried.
Guest:So my parents convinced me to give her to a friend of ours that had a small farm, which I tearfully agreed to do.
Guest:However, the first week that she was there, she managed to get out of her cage, went to get a drink in the swimming pool, fell in and drowned.
Guest:Despite her name, Mrs. Peep never married.
Guest:So relationships are tough right?
Guest:Am I right?
Guest:I think we can all agree on that.
Guest:I don't really do good with relationships.
Guest:I've started to decide that my problem is that I picked the wrong women for me.
Guest:Like, the last girl I dated was very much into, like, kind of alpha male guys.
Guest:She told me she was one of those girls who likes it when a guy fights for her.
Guest:And I realize that's not for me, because I don't... This is my thing about girls.
Guest:Like, I kind of get how, on a biological level, you can kind of like that, and it seems, like, really, like, masculine and stuff.
Guest:But the thing is, I think girls think of fights the way they happen in movies.
Guest:Like, when George McFly punches out Biff.
Guest:Fucking one punch, no blood, he goes down.
Guest:Hero.
Guest:That's not how it works.
Yeah.
Guest:Like, when I was in junior high, there was a kid who got beaten so bad, his cheekbone flowed into his eye and blinded him in the left eye.
Guest:Real fights are fucking disgusting.
Guest:Like, if a girl sees you beat up a guy, like, really beat him up, and she's turned on, she's a fucking psycho.
Guest:Like... You do not want to date that girl.
Guest:Because, like, what happens if you're living together and some burglar breaks into your house and he comes at you with a knife, you guys are wrestling on the ground, you look over in the corner and she's masturbating?
Fucking...
Guest:You're like, what the fuck are you doing, little help?
Guest:So she runs over, starts jerking you off.
Guest:You're like, that's not what it meant.
Guest:This isn't a joke I really tell on stage this much.
Guest:It just sort of slipped into one of my clips.
Guest:And it's not even like, it's kind of funny how this story came to be because it was just something I said in front of friends, but I thought it was funny.
Guest:You know those two thumbs jokes?
Guest:I wrote one where I was like, hey guys, what has two thumbs in rheumatoid arthritis?
Guest:This guy.
Guest:And for those of you listening on the podcast, I crinkled up my hands when I did that.
Guest:Anyway, you got to get the visual.
Guest:But the thing about that thing was, is the real answer is my grandma, which is more sad than funny.
Guest:And I told that joke in one of my clips because my family, they live in various places.
Guest:They don't get a chance to see me.
Guest:So I was like, hey, guys, I put some clips online.
Guest:I didn't think anything of it.
Guest:I got an email from my uncle the next day.
Guest:And I got to preface this email by telling you about my uncle.
Guest:Fucking bad shit crazy.
Guest:My mom's brothers, for some reason, really bad alcoholics.
Guest:And, you know, he's been in rehab several times, lost a lot of jobs due to punching bosses and a lot of divorces.
Guest:He spontaneously decided like several years back that our grandfather had beaten him when he was a kid and he had repressed the memories.
Guest:It's not true.
Guest:My other uncle, my mom will attest to this.
Guest:He's just nuts.
Guest:So anyway, I wake up and I have this email sitting in my inbox and I'm going to share it with you guys right now.
Guest:Eric, regarding your joke, what has two thumbs in arthritis?
Guest:I noticed you didn't get a lot of laughs on that one.
Guest:No one laughs on my end.
Guest:I hope grandma or grandpa don't hear or see the clip, which they have, and they're fine with it.
Guest:Families should stick together.
Guest:The bit you did about grandpa and the war was funny, but to make a crack about grandma's arthritis is a new all-time family low.
Guest:We all love you, but we're still waiting to hear the pop sound of you getting your head out of your ass.
Guest:Let's face it, kid, you're not even the funniest person in our family.
Guest:Exam... Example, I called dad slash grandpa when I found out I was getting divorced for the fourth time.
Guest:I was pretty upset and hurt.
Guest:His reply, hey, one more and you'll be an ace.
Guest:This is where it gets really weird.
Guest:Go to college, do comedy, get into computers, do more comedy.
Guest:Have something to fall back on.
Guest:Get on board with Lucasfilms as a computerized animation specialist.
Guest:Apparently it's just that easy.
Guest:More versatility, computers plus comedy, more chances at making it big.
Guest:Stand-up in clubs is only one avenue, unless the goal is to go no higher than stand-up in clubs.
Guest:But hoping to be discovered in Austin, Texas, you're trying to win the lottery with just one pick.
Guest:You can be mad at me for writing this, but if I didn't love you, I wouldn't have taken the time, because assholes always say that.
Guest:Lots of love.
Guest:Uncle Mike.
Guest:My favorite part.
Guest:P.S.
Guest:It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we're wearing Milk Bone underwear.
Guest:Cliff Clavin, cheers.
Guest:Fucking ended it with a Cliff Clavin quote.
Guest:So, of course, I had to formulate a textful reply.
Guest:Dear Uncle Mike, so my joke is a new all-time family low.
Guest:What about you wrecking 23 cars before your 23rd birthday?
Guest:True story.
Guest:Including the time you somehow ran into a mountain.
Guest:To which I've heard tale that when Grandpa took that phone call from you, his immediate response was, well, how fast was the mountain going?
Guest:He really is the funniest person in our family.
Guest:After all, what could be funnier than him beating you without mercy?
Guest:If he had such a clever remark when you told him about your fourth divorce, I can only imagine how hilarious the witty rejoinder must have been when he heard about your fifth, sixth, and seventh divorces.
Guest:No one could accuse you of trying to win the lottery with just one pick.
Guest:Guess that's why I'm just the washed-up comedian, and you're the guy who busts out the timeless Cliff Clavin quotes.
Guest:Lots of love, Eric.
Guest:P.S.
Guest:If a frog had wings, you'd still be a faggot.
Guest:Thank you, guys.
Guest:Eric Krug.
Guest:Eric Krug.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Holy shit.
Marc:Is that your uncle?
Guest:That is my uncle.
Marc:Is your uncle my dad?
Marc:Is he a bipolar dude?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Oh, they fucking write the same way.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:As soon as I got that email, my mom was just like, you know what?
Guest:Just fucking ignore him.
Guest:He's not even going to remember he did that.
Marc:You can't ignore them because you're wired with some of the same shit.
Marc:Oh, it's fucking, it was too funny.
Marc:I just love the idea that they just, they have this schematic and their own fucking weird ass bipolar misery.
Marc:They're like, all you got to do is call George Lucas.
Marc:My dad does that all the time.
Marc:One time he wrote me an email.
Marc:He's on the phone.
Marc:He goes, why don't you call Bill Maher?
Marc:He seems to have figured it out.
Marc:Just give him a ring.
Marc:Just give him a call.
Marc:Ask him how he did it.
Marc:That's always his thing.
Marc:Get a little advice from the guy I see on television.
Marc:And then I picture myself doing it.
Marc:Hey, Bill, it's Marc Maron.
Marc:I think we met twice.
Marc:So how did you do what you did?
Guest:I like that he was all about computers because I guess he used one once.
Guest:And he was like, yeah, that's the career to go into.
Guest:That's what I hear.
Guest:What does he do?
Marc:What's that?
Marc:What's that guy do?
Guest:He has something to do with computers until he gets fired.
Guest:He gets fired.
Guest:That's what he does.
Guest:That's his big goal in life is just getting and divorcing and firing and then accusing my grandfather of beating him and running out on Christmas.
Guest:That's pretty much what it is.
Marc:How do you marry someone?
Marc:How many times?
Guest:Well, it's been around six or seven.
Guest:I couldn't remember the exact number, but I'm sure it's... When you get up to that high, does it matter how many times?
Guest:At that point, it's just like, you're just done.
Marc:But I guess after a certain point, you're like, half of what?
Marc:I mean, I just figured the money involved.
Marc:I mean, you lose half your shit.
Marc:He doesn't have money.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:He's carefree.
Guest:He's living carefree.
Guest:He figured it out.
Guest:That's the key to happiness.
Guest:Just fucking get so fucking low that there's nothing to lose, and you will have a great time.
Marc:Eric Krug, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Now we have a comedian.
Marc:Did he win?
Marc:Did you win too?
Marc:What year?
Marc:No, it does matter.
Marc:2009?
Marc:So you're in between these two?
Marc:Oh, God, this is fucking amazing.
Marc:This guy seems to move around a lot, searching for comedy competitions to win.
Marc:Please welcome Bryson Turner to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest:Thanks, everybody.
Guest:It's funny.
Guest:I'm 26 and I think I'm realizing that I don't handle adversity well.
Guest:I don't.
Guest:I'm not a good adult.
Guest:I got a parking ticket last week and I sat in front of my car for like five minutes and I was like, I should just go off the grid.
Guest:i just i don't i don't want to deal with it like i just didn't in that moment it wasn't worth the 30 and the 20 seconds it would take to go online i was just like man this like in that in that moment i totally got
Guest:why people join the tea party.
Guest:Because you just don't want to fucking deal with stuff.
Guest:You're just like, I just want a piece of land.
Guest:Just leave me alone.
Guest:And if you can take it and you have more guns than me, fucking, I'll shake your hand.
Guest:That was in that moment how I felt.
Guest:I don't deal with things well.
Guest:And it's not like I have no excuse.
Guest:I have a wonderful life.
Guest:My parents are great parents.
Guest:There's nothing, there's no reason why I should be
Guest:Like, I... It's... I don't... I thought I was thinking about this this past week.
Guest:Like, I... Because I've never... I don't think I would ever get to a point where I commit suicide.
Guest:That's kind of the extreme... The most extreme reaction to not being happy with your existence.
Guest:But the thing is, like, I get bummed out and I'll take a lot of naps.
Guest:And the thing is...
Guest:Like, suicide is the decision that you no longer want to deal with what your reality is.
Guest:And you're just, you don't want to face whatever your reality is.
Guest:But when I go to sleep, you know, in my, from my perspective, I don't exist during that time.
Guest:You know, I wake up on the other end of it.
Guest:I don't take naps.
Guest:I commit suicide two hours at a time.
Guest:Does that make, like, I just, like, every day at two, I'm like, goodbye, cruel world.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like...
Guest:Until dinner.
Guest:Like, and that's what I fucking... That's my life.
Guest:Like, I... And it's not a bad thing.
Guest:It's just it is what it is.
Guest:Like, I just... You know, and it's... You kind of... Lucas and I were on the Ten Person at a Time tour together.
Guest:And it was a great experience.
Guest:It was awesome.
Guest:But it was... But we... You know, there's a certain element of you don't...
Guest:You feel like you're supposed to have your shit together, and I don't think you're supposed to.
Guest:My dad is going through this weird phase, and he's going on 60, and he bought a Snickers bar the other day.
Guest:This happened.
Guest:I visited him.
Guest:He bought a Snickers bar, and he put it in his pocket.
Guest:He was excited to eat it all day, and he was just like, it's kind of that kid moment, and he was just happy.
Guest:Later, he took it.
Guest:took it out and went to eat it, and it had been in an ice cream Snickers bar the whole time, and it was just like in his pocket, and he felt like shit.
Guest:Like we, and it's like my brothers and I made fun of him, and we were like, really?
Guest:Like, you took it out of the freezer and it didn't occur to you?
Guest:Like, how do you not even?
Guest:But, you know, that's 57.
Guest:Like, and I'm 26 and I feel shitty.
Guest:I just feel like your whole life, like, I thought adult would be, I'd be a different person than I was a kid.
Guest:You know, like, as a kid, you're like, oh, when I'm an adult, it doesn't occur to you that's still you there in the future.
Guest:Like, I'm not 26.
Guest:I'm 13-year-old me, but I'm 13 years later, like, still that kid.
Guest:It's, mmh.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:What I'm trying to say, Mark, is my closer is the same as my opener, so if you just want to say my name and I'll leave, we can do that.
Guest:Thanks a lot for listening.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:That was a lot of fun.
Guest:Bryce and Turner.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:I don't know how you... How do you guys breed such miserable existential comics?
Marc:I mean, like, I couldn't... Like, every one of you guys... I knew Lucas.
Marc:I knew Martha.
Marc:Well, Matt, I kind of remember.
Marc:But I... And, like, you know, certainly I watched you guys' stuff, but I had no idea that this would be so thematic.
Marc:You guys are fucking great.
Marc:And it's so sad and horrendous.
Marc:And...
Marc:And it's really the way I think comedy should be all the time.
Marc:I don't know what the fuck you just did up there, but it seemed very real and good.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:A lot.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:Holy shit.
Guest:It's ridiculous for us to have this kind of arrogance about us, and yet we do.
Guest:I mean, to a...
Marc:To a T. Literally, I wrote this on the plane.
Marc:And I do this.
Marc:I have these notebooks, and some of you know, where I write things down.
Marc:I usually can't read them.
Marc:And if I can read them, I'll write them on a larger piece of paper and then eventually say them.
Marc:But for some reason, when I do write in this notebook, I'm like, fuck, where's my pen?
Marc:So this was after I read the Keith Richards thing, and I'm thinking like Austin, you know, I should do something for Austin.
Marc:And I'm listening to that.
Marc:I'm reading the Keith Richards interview, and I'm listening to the Stones.
Marc:And I wrote, as you get lower and lower down on the ladder of fame, rock and roll as a way of life,
Marc:has more integrity because there is no safety net.
Marc:It is not some bankrolled indulgence.
Marc:It is a necessity that is life-threatening and beautiful and human.
Marc:The avoidable risks that are now unavoidable because surrender is impossible because you've already failed.
Marc:And that is where the glory is.
Marc:One of us.
Guest:One of us.
Guest:One of us.
Guest:One of us.
Guest:One of us.
Guest:Ridiculous.
Guest:Right.
Guest:No, it's ridiculous.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I really, I honestly, I listened to your, I listened to your, it was your Geraldo podcast.
Guest:And I really – I tend to be critical of comics who say, oh, we're different.
Guest:And that when you said it, it really made me think like – because you said it in a way that wasn't condescending.
Guest:But you said, you know, I really feel like we are – there's something quirky.
Guest:There's something where that, you know, it's a little –
Guest:A little off-kilter.
Marc:Well, I think a lot of people, especially in Austin, I think people understand that, you know, when you commit your life to art or whatever the fuck it is, when you're willing to say, like, I forego anything that people consider normal or human or safe in order to do this ridiculous fucking dream that I have, that right there, once you're at that crossroads and you make that decision...
Marc:you're already on a different path.
Marc:And then somewhere in the middle of that path, you realize, holy shit, this isn't working out.
Marc:And then... And then you start to scramble for plan Bs, right?
Marc:And then there's a sort of like, I could fucking teach.
Marc:And then you're like, teach what?
Marc:You know?
Marc:You know, there's always that one.
Marc:Or I could go back to school.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I couldn't even fucking handle it the first time.
Marc:So then all of a sudden, you're midway through and you're like, I got no choices.
Marc:There's no plan B. And then you just sort of like kind of crumble into a slow motion train wreck that becomes the rest of your life.
Marc:As I think what you were trying to say, Bryson.
Guest:But the thing is, and I don't know, but my dad is not a comic.
Guest:He's not.
Guest:He's led a very normal life.
Guest:He's had three kids.
Guest:And yet he is, as best as I could tell, going through the same shit that I am, the same shit that you are.
Guest:It's the same existence.
Guest:Everybody's going to die, and that's the basis of why we get fucked up in the head is because we have to face that reality.
Marc:So if we can just figure out this whole mortality thing, we'd all be better off?
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:I think you're onto something.
Marc:No, but I think you're right.
Marc:Either you're saying that we're actually ahead of the game, or the shit never stops.
Marc:And I think it's probably the latter, right?
Marc:I think the shit never stops.
Guest:And I think...
Marc:Man, this is an uplifting WTF.
Marc:No, I think you're right, and I think it's reasonable to acknowledge that.
Marc:And I think the reason that we're funny is so for at least the second that we're getting laughs or the second we write something ridiculous down in our notebook, we're not thinking, like, this is pointless and we're going to die.
Guest:But, no, that's literally, I think, like, that is, like, when, if it's a good laugh, like, Lucas and I were talking about, like, there's different types of laughs.
Guest:There's the throat laugh where you just laugh, and then there's a gut laugh where it's like, like, that shit is like, it's a... There's actually, there's another one, too.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Well, there's the throat laugh, which is almost polite, which is like, it's sort of like, right?
Marc:And then there's the laugh that's like, holy shit, I can't control myself.
Marc:And then there's the laugh that really should be crying.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:And that's really the laugh that I go after.
Marc:Where the thing that you're saying is so shocking that there's no other real way to react to it but with the discomfort and nervous laughter.
Marc:It's to mask.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:You know, I like... See, that I think is...
Guest:It's an unmined entertainment laugh.
Guest:I remember a four-year-old hit a door once.
Guest:We were at a restaurant, and this dude, he was just a four-year-old kid, and we were like, hey, what's up, dude?
Guest:And he just ran into this glass door, and then it was that moment where you could tell he wasn't sure whether he was supposed to laugh or cry.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, like that moment the kids have.
Guest:And we, we, in that moment, you don't want them to cry.
Guest:So we were like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Guest:Ha, that's funny.
Guest:And that's what we do as comics.
Guest:We look at people who are like, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Guest:We're like, laugh, laugh.
Marc:But also we as comics, you know, every time we step into that mic, we're running into that door.
Marc:Right, yeah, no, we run into it with them.
Marc:We're like, we're fucking with there.
Ha, ha.
Marc:So I think that's a good way to visualize it.
Marc:Every time when you hear your name, Bryson Turner, just see yourself as a four-year-old plowing into a door.
Guest:I like that a lot, actually.
Marc:And then you just don't know whether you're going to cry or laugh up there.
Guest:Man, we figured it out.
Guest:Bryson Turner, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:This honestly, as far as these live shows, this is by far the deepest one I've ever encountered.
Marc:I think a lot of my own, but you guys, you're like me.
Marc:You're in your head, and it's fucking refreshing, but now I can actually see why it's a liability.
Marc:Our last comic I remember working with in San Antonio.
Marc:He's very funny, and he's also... Did you win the thing?
Yeah.
Marc:What year?
Marc:What year?
Marc:Oh, seven?
Marc:Holy shit, so you should really be further along.
Marc:Please welcome Brian Gutman to the stage.
Guest:Well played.
Guest:Well played, Mark.
Guest:You son of a bitch.
Guest:Keep it going for Mark Maron, by the way, everybody.
Guest:Look at this.
Guest:Jesus.
Guest:This L.A.
Guest:comic coming out to host for us has really made it.
Guest:I like that there's this weird association between drinking wine and being a sophisticated adult.
Guest:That doesn't need to exist.
Guest:I drink wine.
Guest:That's a problem, first of all.
Guest:I like drinking.
Guest:I'm just going to throw that out there.
Guest:I don't know if you should just announce it as a fact like that.
Guest:I like to drink.
Guest:I don't know if that's good, but I do.
Guest:I know it might be a problem, but it's a fun problem.
Guest:But people associate people who like to drink wine with that being classy.
Guest:And that is really ridiculous.
Guest:But it's true.
Guest:If you have a glass of wine, someone walks in like, oh, I see you're drinking wine.
Guest:Like, yes, I acquired this bottle from the gas station.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's been properly chilled because it was next to the ice cream sandwiches.
Guest:Yeah, so let's see what the year is.
Guest:Oh, that's today's date.
Guest:Yeah, let's open that.
Guest:Let's crack that open.
Guest:Crack that box open.
Guest:That was a good year today.
Guest:I also like that we've given alcohol the nickname of liquid courage.
Guest:Like that's what we'll call alcohol is like liquid courage.
Guest:That is also ridiculous just because nothing actually courageous has ever been done by a drunk ever.
Guest:Like who pulled all those kids in that burning building?
Guest:Like right here.
Guest:That was me.
Guest:You're welcome.
Guest:You're welcome.
Guest:Just another day.
Guest:Like, that's the tragedies.
Guest:It might give you the confidence, but it's going to strip you of all the ability that you think you have.
Guest:That building's on the other side of town.
Guest:Like, all right, where are my keys?
Guest:All right, come on.
Guest:Just fall asleep next to your car.
Guest:How'd I do?
Guest:Everything cool?
Guest:How'd those kids?
Guest:They liked to party.
Guest:I don't remember a thing.
Guest:I love this show.
Guest:Like, I'm selling some merch after this show.
Guest:I know that's weird because Mark's selling all of his merch after this show, but I've got a booth in the back.
Guest:Most comics set up a table.
Guest:I've got my booth in the back.
Guest:Like, CDs.
Guest:I'm selling CDs after this show.
Guest:Full disclosure, I haven't recorded anything yet.
Guest:But I am broke.
Guest:So if you guys want some live Dame Matthews Band bootlegs, they'll be at the booth with my t-shirts.
Guest:I got my who sharted t-shirts.
Guest:Yeah, you heard me.
Guest:I said who sharted.
Guest:I also sell t-shirts that say herpes is a sore subject.
Guest:All right, thank you all very much.
Guest:Good night.
Guest:Brian Gutman.
Marc:Thank you, man.
Marc:So wait, now, I think you're very funny.
Marc:How dare you.
Marc:That was enjoyable.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:And I think that, as I said, there's still a theme throughout the... Sadness?
Marc:It's really mind-blowing.
Marc:Regret?
Marc:No, it's beautiful.
Marc:Hindsight?
Marc:2020?
Marc:Well, I mean, did you, like, you told me that you were just in Cincinnati.
Marc:I'm going to that club.
Marc:What's it, Go Bananas?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Mark pretended to not know what that club is.
Guest:What is it, Go Bananas?
Marc:No, I've only been there.
Marc:I was there once.
Marc:I don't remember.
Marc:And I was only there once.
Marc:I know I'm booked to go back there again.
Marc:And you said you were just there.
Guest:Something weird happened.
Guest:Well, for most of the time, you're just in a state or city that you don't live in.
Guest:You just watch house a lot.
Guest:But, uh...
Guest:For one day, you know, like the host was nice enough to drive us somewhere and we went to a creationist museum.
Yeah.
Guest:That is the best response that could have ever happened.
Guest:It was like happiness, but also like, you shouldn't have done that.
Guest:Why did you do that?
Guest:In fairness, the headliner paid for all that.
Guest:No, absolutely.
Guest:Apparently there's one in Dallas.
Guest:I don't know if anyone... I've heard there's one in Dallas.
Guest:And I'm really hoping we all go there for lunch tomorrow.
Guest:And if you haven't been to a creationist museum, it's like a live Jurassic Park.
Guest:You should absolutely go.
Guest:All they try to... I don't know if this is true of every creationist museum, but all they try to do at this one is just finally like, let's put the rest of that dinosaur question.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Every kid at Sunday school brings up dinosaurs and we are sick and tired of this.
Guest:We will put to rest the dinosaur question.
Guest:Jesus barely mentioned.
Guest:At the entrance, when you pull in, dinosaurs.
Guest:Right at the front door, dinosaurs.
Guest:Lobby, dinosaurs.
Guest:Everything is about dinosaurs.
Guest:Ark, Roman times, fine.
Guest:But most of the time, it's just dinosaurs.
Guest:It is fascinating.
Marc:What is it like?
Marc:Do they have dinosaurs and just people standing there with the dinosaurs?
Marc:They go, see?
Guest:Well, here's the thing.
Guest:Most of you have been to a museum, I assume.
Guest:And I'm not smart, but I've been to two.
Guest:And this was number three.
Guest:If you go to a museum, you should never see the word probably at a museum as much as...
Guest:As much as this museum, you're like, oh, I thought this was about facts.
Guest:You're like, well, probably facts.
Guest:Probably.
Guest:This is what happened.
Guest:Probably.
Guest:You're like, oh, fair enough.
Guest:Probably.
Guest:Fair enough.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Fair enough.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All right.
Guest:It is.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:It's so great where they're like, here's that mini.
Guest:Here's a velociraptor.
Guest:You're like, well, first of all, that's not how big velociraptors were.
Guest:I know that I'm a dinosaur buff.
Guest:They're like, well, first of all, a dinosaur is not real.
Yeah.
Guest:No, but that's the thing.
Guest:People are like, oh, so they're trying to convince you that dinosaurs aren't real?
Guest:No, they're trying to say dinosaurs are very real.
Guest:They lived with people.
Guest:Literally, creationist museums buy the book.
Guest:Buy capital T, the book.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, God created the world in six days.
Guest:First, he invented days.
Guest:And then...
Guest:He was like, I think days should be 24 hours.
Guest:What's ours?
Guest:Well, all right.
Guest:First of all, you're asking too many questions.
Guest:And then... First, I didn't exist yet.
Guest:And then... So he makes the world in six days, which means everything that has ever existed has existed in those six days.
Guest:So the first couple were kind of rough.
Yeah.
Guest:uh well here's where you're wrong atheist because uh before original sin everything ate plants even the tyrannosaurus rex he had very sharp teeth but he's like i'll just break off some branches and make do with this and uh make lemons out of lemonade even though lemons haven't been invented and uh so so when eve ate the apple that's when the the dinosaurs started eating people yes
Guest:Yeah, that's right.
Guest:I spilled my drink.
Guest:How happy I was at that question.
Guest:I went to a creationist museum in Arkansas, which is Trump's, I think, just because it's fucking in Arkansas.
Guest:But it was actually a converted 7-Eleven.
Guest:I'm not making sure.
Guest:They have brought a 7-Eleven.
Guest:It was only four dioramas, but the one that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt was a painting of Adam patting a brontosaurus on the head.
Guest:And it was like, proof.
Guest:And it said that.
Guest:And I was just like, not proof, not to scale.
Guest:And I asked a rather large woman if she would take a picture of me in front of the... She was there with her kids that all had the same face.
Guest:And I said, will you take a picture of me?
Guest:And she said, I don't think you want to take that picture for the right reason.
Guest:And then take my picture.
Guest:She was right.
Guest:All right, that's our show.
Marc:Brian Gutman, Bryson Turner, Eric Krug, Lucas Melandas, Martha Kelly, Matt Bearden, Austin, Texas.
Marc:You've been great.
Thank you.
Marc:Got some stuff in back.
Marc:I'll sign your CDs in two minutes if you want me to.
Marc:T-shirts, I love that you came out.
Marc:Thank you for the book of poetry.
Marc:David Thornsberry, local Austin poet.
Marc:I appreciate it.
Marc:Great to see you.
Guest:I'm glad you love the show.
Guest:Another round of applause for Marc Maron, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Keep it going!
Guest:Be kind, Austin.
Guest:Be kind.
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