Episode 115 - Jamie Kilstein, Chris Porter, Dean Edwards, Tig Notaro and Eddie Pepitone
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Ow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTM.
Marc:What the fuck?
With Mark Miller.
Marc:All right, are we doing this?
Marc:Welcome to Live What the Fuck at the Global Comedy Festival in Vancouver, Canada at the Havana restaurant.
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:Nice to see you guys.
Marc:You shut up really quick, didn't you?
Marc:I'll tell you, man, Canadians are the most polite audiences in the world.
Marc:You just stop here and clap.
Marc:Let's be polite now.
Marc:I'm glad to be here.
Marc:I brought one bag of JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Which I promised to that guy back there.
Marc:From what I understand, you can't get it here anyway, so this is what it looks like.
Marc:You know, eat your guts out.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:You can't have it.
Marc:It's unavailable to Canadians.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:It's not my fault.
Marc:I don't know what to do about it.
Marc:I don't know why it's unavailable to you.
Marc:You've got to understand that the people I'm dealing with are old hippies, and they live in Wisconsin.
Marc:And they just sit there, and they're like, what, a global business model?
Marc:Dude.
Marc:So, you know... So...
Marc:So that's what I'm dealing with.
Marc:I want you to know that Eddie Pepitone is backstage by himself.
Marc:I've got Tig Notaro.
Marc:I've got Dean Edwards, Chris Porter, Jamie Kilstein.
Marc:I don't know if you know Eddie as well as I do, but let me just try to... What is that?
Marc:Chris Porter did not turn his phone off.
Marc:He will pay for that on the panel.
Marc:I just want to share a moment I had with Eddie, who was sitting back there alone, as I said.
Marc:I walked back there, and Eddie was sitting alone in a chair, and he looked up at me, and he went, I had a cupcake.
Marc:Then he goes, and lasagna.
Marc:So that's what he's dealing with, and that's a deep...
Marc:There's a deep amount of self-hate going on in that room right there.
Marc:See where the doors crack?
Marc:I'm surprised we're not being drained by the neediness through the crack in that door.
Marc:But you know what that's going to mean?
Marc:That means that Eddie's going to be on fire.
Marc:It's a little light in here and a little intimate.
Marc:It's kind of interesting.
Marc:Like, I was all for it before the show started, but now it's a little awkward.
Marc:I feel your expectation.
Marc:I see you looking at me.
Marc:I prefer just to see the first row, but I actually see fucking everybody in here.
Marc:And there's a lot of Asians here, which I find challenging.
Marc:And I...
Marc:Because I know you know me.
Marc:And again, I have no problem with Asians.
Marc:I've decided they have a problem with me.
Marc:But I did eat at a place called Goo, which...
Marc:I'm just glad it's spelled like that, because you can't spell a restaurant that's named G-O-O.
Marc:It's disgusting.
Marc:But goo, it's sort of like, I don't know what it means, but it must be good.
Marc:But they were all very pleasant, and I didn't get any bad looks or anything.
Marc:So I'm starting to shift my perception that Asians don't like me because of the experience I had in Vancouver.
Marc:I felt like I was accepted by all Asians last night at that restaurant.
Marc:Not so much at customs, but I...
Marc:Here's what happened coming out here.
Marc:Now, I don't know if you have this, but they now have full body scanners at some airports in America.
Marc:And I've talked a little bit about it on the podcast before, that the idea that I had was that there's this idea that it's becoming totalitarian, Big Brother is watching us, and that it's now an obey society and we're all being watched.
Marc:And then I started to realize, well, we seem to want that.
Marc:Because, you know, I think that the sound of Big Brother is when a guy goes, dude, I got GPS on my phone, it's so fucking cool.
Marc:So, you know...
Marc:so you're kind of volunteering for it but then my girlfriend Jessica said you can opt out of the body scanning so we were going to make a big political statement because we saw the body scanners there and we're like fuck the man we're opting out and it was actually sort of a charge because you know we knew it was coming they randomly pick you for the body scanning which is questionable in and of itself like it's not even based on how you look because they can't profile just sort of like let's see that guy naked yeah I don't know what are they randomly picking
Marc:So, so of course they picked us and I knew they would.
Marc:And I literally, cause I, and I think I only did it cause she was standing there.
Marc:Like, I think I would have been the guy that's like, all right, I'll go.
Marc:Like, I don't give a fuck.
Marc:Big brother wins.
Marc:I don't give a shit.
Marc:I want to get on the plane.
Marc:But because Jessica was there, I'm like, I'm going to make a stand baby.
Marc:And I'm like, they're like, do you want to go?
Marc:I'm like, I'm not going through.
Marc:And the guy looks at me and goes, are you opting out?
Marc:Yeah, I'm fucking opting out.
Marc:Fight the power, dig what I'm saying, man?
Marc:But I didn't say all that.
Marc:I just said, yeah, I'm opting out.
Marc:What happens now?
Marc:What did I get myself into?
Marc:And then they're like, well, okay, so you're volunteering for a pat-down?
Marc:I'm like, yeah, a pat-down.
Marc:Let's do the pat-down thing.
Marc:But it's like a big production, because basically what they're saying is like, by patting us down, which they make you stand on two things with your feet, but you don't get to put a quarter in and dance.
Marc:You just stand on the thing, and then there's a big production, and a guy's like, can I get gloves?
Marc:I'm like, how far are we going with this?
Marc:We're in front of people.
Marc:I mean, I think that if we're going to do the glove thing, perhaps it should be a little more intimate setting.
Marc:Am I wrong?
Marc:So...
Marc:And then there's like the big thing that there's a guy at a podium that's like, what size gloves do you need?
Marc:I'm like, oh, Christ.
Marc:And the guy's like, I need small.
Marc:And then I was like, well, that's good.
Marc:But I wasn't even going to go there with this.
Marc:But how can you not?
Marc:You got gloves.
Marc:Why not go right up the ass?
Marc:Right?
Marc:We can do that.
Marc:So...
Marc:So he puts the gloves on, and then there's this thing where they seem to be equally as awkward about the pat-down as you are.
Marc:They're not professional patters down.
Marc:They're literally putting the gloves on, and it's an Asian guy.
Marc:So immediately I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to try to like you during this.
Marc:So he puts the gloves on.
Marc:He's like, I'm going to start now.
Marc:And I'm like, wow, this is really like a date.
Marc:And he goes, what did he say?
Marc:He said, I'm going to use the back of my hands for sensitive areas.
Marc:Right, but there was part of me that's like, just cup it, dude.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Let's try to get something out of this.
Marc:And it takes way too long, and he really pats me down.
Marc:But he doesn't touch that area at all, which I found disappointing.
Marc:And...
Marc:And I found that it was a pretty good experience all around, but there was still part of me that's like, I should have just went through the fucking machine.
Marc:Although that's a less intimate experience.
Marc:It's a more detached sort of technological raping of you because the knowledge that you're in this machine standing there like this with your clothes on and there's some guy in a room looking at you naked going, you know, who needs that kind of pressure?
Marc:But I know that's what I should have done.
Marc:I should have done it and had them go, okay, you're done.
Marc:Then go, where's the laughing guy?
Marc:Where's the room with the laughing guy?
Marc:I didn't do that.
Marc:But that's where we went.
Marc:So then I get to customs.
Marc:And I'm flagged here for the rest of my fucking life.
Marc:And not over anything good.
Marc:I came up to this festival.
Marc:And I'm not going to blame Will, who runs the festival.
Marc:But I drove up from Seattle.
Marc:And I didn't have my paperwork.
Marc:So I get there.
Marc:And I don't understand how your country works.
Marc:Again, not condescending.
Marc:But it was a little fucking ridiculous.
Marc:They're like, what are you doing here?
Marc:This is when I drove up.
Marc:I sent them on a comedy festival.
Marc:And they're like, where are you performing?
Marc:I'm like, I don't know.
Marc:It's a comedy festival.
Marc:He's like, well, are the theaters you're in, do they have cabaret licenses?
Marc:And I'm like, are you fucking serious?
Marc:I'm glad I figured out how to get up here.
Marc:And he goes, well, I can't let you in the country.
Marc:And he sends me out of the country.
Marc:So I got to make phone calls to figure out whether I'm not performing at a place that has the proper license.
Marc:It was fucking ridiculous.
Marc:But because that happened, now I'm like, I'm flagged.
Marc:So I know every time I come into Canada, I got to go to immigration.
Marc:And I'm traveling with other people, and they got to wait for me while I go into immigration.
Marc:So this time I'm in immigration, and like, I don't know, because I brought this up a couple times, but we're just people here.
Marc:There's something fucking wrong with customs agents.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:I mean, they're like, there's some breed of people.
Marc:Like, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them, but they creep me out.
Marc:They don't seem to have a conscience and they fuck with you on purpose.
Marc:Like, and they take forever.
Marc:What are they doing when they go in the back room?
Marc:Have you guys had to deal with that?
Marc:I don't know if you've even had to deal with that.
Marc:I'm sitting with like the entire, I'm sitting with like a, like a Benetton ad.
Marc:There's people representing every country of the world.
Marc:The only thing that's missing are animals and people cooking.
Marc:You know, like, I'm literally, I'm like, why am I here?
Marc:I'm just a comedian.
Marc:I just want to go tell jokes.
Marc:And now, like, I'm some sort of suspect.
Marc:And then you wait and you watch them.
Marc:They just lumber around.
Marc:You know, they kind of, like, move really slowly and deliberately.
Marc:And they're intimidating.
Marc:And they look at you and judge for a minute.
Marc:And then they walk.
Marc:And then they go back in rooms for hours.
Marc:So I'm out there for a fucking hour.
Marc:And then Jessica's texting me.
Marc:It's like, by the time they get to you, you're going to admit you're a terrorist.
Marc:I'm like, don't fucking text me that.
Marc:Because now...
Marc:Because literally, that's how paranoid I got.
Marc:These guys, I've been to customs before where they have gone to websites of places of performing to try and get information, and I think that they're somehow hooked up to reading my text.
Marc:I don't even think they want their fucking job.
Marc:They just do it to fuck with people.
Marc:But I literally got so paranoid, I'm like, don't fucking say that, and then I erased the whole text thread.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I did.
Marc:I'm always that paranoid.
Marc:Because you do get paranoid.
Marc:And I'm trying not to resent the whole situation because I know it's not like America where I can just go, is there another line I can get on?
Marc:Because then they'll make you wait longer.
Marc:So finally I'm just sitting there and I'm fucking livid.
Marc:And I know that's the time where I would say something like, I'm here to kill your prime minister.
Marc:I know that.
Marc:And then I'd go like, ahhh.
Marc:But I didn't do that.
Marc:I'm like, just transparent, man.
Marc:You've got nothing to hide except for the t-shirts that you're selling you need to declare.
Marc:So I was talking to that guy before the show.
Marc:I had all these t-shirts, and I didn't say that I was bringing up merchandise.
Marc:And I literally was hoping to fuck that they didn't open my bag and ask if it was merchandise.
Marc:And then I thought when I said to him before, I was like, no, I wear all those.
Marc:It's the only thing I wear.
Marc:I sweat a lot and I prefer that t-shirt, the one with me on it.
Marc:I'm not saying I'm not screwed up, but I'm not a problem.
Marc:But I just like having me and my cats on my chest at all times.
Marc:This is about immigration, not about stability.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:Don't judge me.
Marc:But I didn't say that.
Marc:I had one of those moments where I had my passport, I had the customs card, and I had an envelope with an itinerary that my manager sent me, which they don't fucking need, right?
Marc:So I give him everything, and then I'm like, oh, you don't need that envelope.
Marc:And he goes, why not?
Marc:Because the map of what I'm going to blow up is in that envelope.
Marc:I'd like to have that back, please.
Marc:Fucking guys.
Marc:Now this is going to play, and I'll never be able to get into the country again.
Marc:You know how I found out I was flagged, though?
Marc:It was beautiful.
Marc:The last time I went into Toronto, I got a bitter guy.
Marc:It was hilarious.
Marc:Because I'm sitting there, and he's going through my shit.
Marc:He's like, you don't really need to be here.
Marc:You know that, right?
Marc:I'm like, I didn't know that.
Marc:And he's like, these fucking kids who are running this place now.
Marc:He was one of those guys.
Marc:Yeah, I used to be a cop, and I've been here for 20 years.
Marc:And these people, they don't even give a shit about their job.
Marc:And I'm like, yeah, so tell me about it.
Marc:Right?
Marc:So he's like, well, you got flagged because of this.
Marc:And I'm like, well, why don't you just unflag me?
Marc:He's like, can't do it.
Marc:And I'm like, well, thank you for your honesty, and I hope that your pension kicks in soon, because frankly, you don't have the attitude for this work anymore, because...
Marc:But now I know.
Marc:Do you know that it's completely up to them how much they're going to fuck with you?
Marc:They could just let me through if they want.
Marc:But it's like this game they play.
Marc:They're like, we got one, and it's a clown from America.
Marc:You want to read emails and then we'll bring some guests up.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Hey, Mark, just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate what you do and how you express yourself.
Marc:If I were more articulate, I would give reasons why I admire you, but my neurotic backspace key prohibits such.
Marc:Anyway, keep it up.
Marc:I'm listening.
Marc:P.S.
Marc:Be my dad.
Marc:No, I think he meant that in the right way.
Marc:Um...
Marc:So here's this asshole that has a podcast.
Marc:I listen to the guy night and day, heard all his stuff except for his elitist donate-only shit, which I can't afford, in parentheses.
Marc:Anyways, he fires off an email saying he's playing a show in Vancouver the day before the show.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Finally, you're close enough that I can see you.
Marc:Only catch is your timing is so last minute that I don't have time to book off work.
Marc:My girlfriend, who also loves you, is camping for the weekend, and I'm trying to figure out how I can convince her to axe her plans, tell my boss to fuck off,
Marc:and somehow jump on a ferry and get the van in time to see your show.
Marc:Needless to say, I was so paralyzed with guilt midway through this that I chose not to like the guy midway through.
Marc:So then he says, sometimes you just got to say, what the fuck?
Marc:So I did.
Marc:I said, what the fuck?
Marc:Dropped everything and jumped on a boat.
Marc:Chances are I'm somewhere out in the audience at the Havana restaurant right now wondering why the hell I paid so much for a ferry ticket.
Marc:a bus ticket, a SkyTrain ticket, and a ticket to get in the door so I could listen to you bitch about your life and talk about how great your cats are.
Marc:I was going to end it at that, but I figured I should probably say something nice considering how goddamn sensitive you are.
Marc:So love you, Mark.
Marc:Glad you're NBC, and I can't wait to get to show.
Marc:See you there.
Marc:Are you in here?
Marc:Oh, he didn't get in?
Marc:Where is he?
Marc:He's not in here?
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:Will you go see if Tom's out there?
Marc:See if Tom is out there.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:That was supposed to be the happy ending.
Okay.
Marc:That didn't work out at all.
Marc:Fucking guy went through all that trouble, but he's sitting out there.
Marc:His chick canceled his camping trip.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:Huh?
Marc:I hope he's out there.
Marc:What if he's not out there?
Marc:I can't wait to see the next Evo I get.
Marc:I'll read that on the next podcast.
Marc:I feel bad.
Marc:All right, let's read this one real quick.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Because I really like this one.
Marc:Hey, Mark, you tell someone to go to hell and they respond with, that's where all the fun is.
Marc:What the fuck is that?
Marc:Why do they think that somehow win with that response?
Marc:Pretty pointless way to tell me you don't believe in hell.
Marc:I don't either.
Marc:So it's besides the point.
Marc:But you can't invent what hell is on your own.
Marc:Hell is not like your friend's basement when you're a teenager.
Marc:Like, you're just gonna die and walk down a flight of stairs and eat Cheetos and get high and play Grand Theft Auto forever?
Marc:A demon is gonna stick a 40-foot razor dick in your ass and slice your body in half.
Marc:Then giant maggots are gonna eat up your flesh and vomit you into a river of shit.
Marc:Then some crazy two-headed anteater motherfucker is going to snort your shitty, sliced-up flesh and spray it into a mold and reanimate you as a block of ice.
Marc:And then a giant grandmother is going to breathe her grandma breath on you until you melt.
Marc:And this will happen forever, over and over.
Marc:No religion ever said you get to just continue to commit sins when you get sent to hell, like play naked volleyball with a bunch of models who died from cocaine overdoses.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Or smoke PCP with Hell's Angels.
Marc:The point behind Hell is that nobody would ever like it.
Marc:So if I tell you to go to Hell, please understand the ramifications of what I'm saying to you.
Marc:I'm not telling you to go to Hell because I believe in it, but I'm also not saying, hey, go hang out with Bon Scott and fuck underage girls for eternity.
Marc:If I tell you to go to Hell, I already won.
Marc:Don't say anything at all in response, but maybe think to yourself, wow, I must be some kind of asshole if this guy wants me to spend eternity in hellfire.
Marc:Maybe I should change something about my horrible personality so people don't wish this kind of thing on me.
Marc:So if you've ever said that, that's where all the fun is in response to this.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:Please go wiki every religion ever and stop pulling the definition of hell out of your ass.
Marc:Thanks, Matt.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:He didn't believe in it, but he put a lot of thought into it.
Marc:All right, let's start the show, you guys.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage the politically powerful comedy.
Marc:And he's just a sweet kid that I knew when he was younger and I bust his balls, but he's very funny.
Marc:His name's Jamie Kilstein.
Marc:Here, buddy.
Marc:Don't knock over a water.
Marc:Oh, thanks.
Guest:That was such an amazing microcosm of your show where it's like, and now for the happy ending.
Guest:Where's Tom?
Guest:Oh, he's outside broke while his girlfriend's probably fucking someone on a camping trip.
Guest:And there's a room full of people who are going to mock his pin.
Guest:Welcome to the podcast.
Marc:I didn't want to mock his pain.
Marc:I thought he would be here and we'd all be happy.
Marc:It would have been really good.
Marc:Now he's probably in a car somewhere and his girlfriend's going, why the fuck?
Marc:You didn't get tickets already?
Marc:I could be in a tent with someone I like better than you.
Marc:No.
Marc:Sorry, Tom.
Marc:So how you doing, buddy?
Marc:I think I should open this by apologizing because I think I owe you an apology.
Guest:Well, here's the thing.
Marc:Can I do the apology first?
Marc:Yes, please.
Guest:Let me figure out what it's for.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Because we've had many good moments and bad.
Guest:There have been different marks all through my life.
Marc:How about this mark?
Marc:The one who was in a car with you in Los Angeles and you were like, so dude, I'm doing this spoken word poetry now.
Marc:All right.
Marc:And I'm like, really?
Marc:How's that going?
Marc:And then you're like, it's going pretty good.
Marc:I'm like, really?
Marc:Is there a career in that?
Marc:And I said, have you done deaf poetry?
Marc:And you're like, yeah, I did that already.
Marc:I'm like, well, I think you're done.
Okay.
Marc:And I said, get back into comedy.
Guest:Yeah, and I did.
Guest:Well, there's more to that story.
Guest:Is there a bad part?
Guest:No, well, kind of.
Guest:So there was good and bad.
Guest:First of all, you were the first person that allowed me and showed me that comedians could hate other comedians.
Guest:Where like when I first started comedy, I was like, we're all in this together.
Guest:And it's just a bunch of artists and we're going to support each other and just kind of root for each other.
Guest:And it's not like in reality what comedy is.
Guest:It's like, hey, dude, your friend just got on Letterman.
Guest:And you're just like, he's not my friend anymore.
Guest:Like, it's a terrible, bitter place.
Guest:So with you.
Marc:That's the old Mark, by the way.
Marc:Old Mark.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:So I met you when I was like 18 or 19.
Guest:You were like this little kid.
Guest:And I approached you.
Guest:I was like, you're one of my favorite comics.
Marc:And you like didn't tell me to fuck off over and over and over again throughout your career going, dude, can you just set me up with that dude?
Guest:All I need is a gig.
Guest:All I need is a gig.
Guest:And so I remember we used to sit in the back of the Boston Comedy Club in New York City, which is I wasn't even working there.
Guest:Like what you have to do in New York when you start comedies, you hand out flyers.
Guest:for like five hours unpaid to get five minutes of stage time, which at the time I'm like, I'm an artist.
Guest:And then you get older and you're like, that's illegal.
Guest:I should have fucking unionized.
Guest:Like that is not good.
Marc:That's always a good thing to do in your comedy career.
Marc:Unionize other amateur comics to demand stage time.
Guest:we've got five minutes where's our stage time this is the saddest union and so so we used to sit in the back and uh there was this host this guy named todd lynn and he knows yeah and so mark would sit there in the back so todd would be up there and every all the comics would be quiet and like as a new guy you're just like you be respectful to everybody and todd would be up there and be like indian food that makes me shit and mark louder than any audience member would just go come on
Guest:And I was like, oh, you can do that.
Guest:You can.
Guest:So then in LA, my wife, Alison and I, this is like before we had a radio show, we were literally living out of our car for like two years.
Guest:And it was a really bad idea on paper.
Guest:But we fucking did it.
Guest:Like, we lived in, like, a fucking... I think it's a bad idea all around.
Guest:Oh, totally.
Guest:Like, we lived out of, like, a sad... Not just on paper.
Marc:Yeah, on paper... It sort of makes it sad to me that you wrote that down.
Marc:Life plan.
Marc:Live out of car for two years.
Marc:That looks bad.
Marc:Let's do it.
Guest:Maybe we should unionize.
Guest:Yeah, so...
Guest:So here's the fucked up part is we're fine the whole time.
Guest:Like we didn't break down.
Guest:We didn't have a fight.
Guest:We didn't have anything.
Guest:Like we went through like the mountains of Montana.
Guest:Allison got really sick.
Guest:I did shows in front of six people and we were just happy to be out of our jobs in New York.
Guest:We get to LA and you emailed me and I go, I'm like, oh, so I'm like one of my fucking heroes.
Guest:Like he wants to take us out.
Guest:You took us out to this like really cool, like.
Guest:vegan meal I was so excited literally our only fight of two years came after we drove around because Mark's tour of LA like he was the only friend we had in LA and most people will be like hey this is where you can get stage time this you literally do you remember you drove us around and just showed us where every celebrity killed themselves
Guest:And that's when Allison finally turned to me and was like, what the fuck are we doing?
Guest:And I go, I don't know.
Guest:And we didn't talk for like two days.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Marc:You didn't get one opportunity.
Guest:He just showed us where people died.
Guest:You were just like, hey, right over there, Belushi.
Guest:And I'm like, oh my God, Belushi, you're like fucking OD'd on heroin over there.
Guest:And I was like, oh, that's so sad.
Guest:I didn't know what else to show you.
Marc:No, it's good though.
Marc:To me, that's what L.A.
Marc:meant.
Marc:It was.
Marc:You come here, and if you're lucky, you eventually kill yourself.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So, all right, so I noticed something, and this is where I turn into a little bit of an asshole, but you talk very rapidly, and when we were just in conversation talking, you weren't doing the... You weren't doing that.
Marc:See, now... That reminds me of another Mark story.
Guest:What, the one that happened a month ago?
Guest:No, in Connecticut, when you brought me to open for you at the Mohican Sun, and you go... I talk so fucking tragic, dude.
Guest:It was so bad, and I talk really...
Guest:at the time i talked fast really fast on stage and you started talking fast on stage because you hated the audience and you actually said you go i'm going you looked at me you nodded and you go i'm going at kilstein speed what am i afraid of
Guest:And that sums up my act.
Guest:She's like, don't stop, and you won't see the hate in their eyes.
Marc:Don't wait for her.
Marc:There's no hate.
Marc:They're just people going, what's really inside Jamie Kilstein?
Marc:We understand that he cares a lot about the world.
Guest:So they're concerned.
Marc:Yes, they're concerned.
Marc:What's this little man have going on in his life?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, where are the car stories where you're driving and you're eating out of McDonald's bags and you turn into a vegan because your girlfriend makes you?
Marc:Where are those stories?
Guest:The vegan thing, are there any vegans here at all?
Guest:No, see, this is the thing.
Marc:This is Canada.
Marc:They have national health care.
Marc:They can get sick.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:They can go in like, I fucking got a piece of meat stuck in my heart.
Marc:They're like, no problem.
Marc:Go right down the hall.
Marc:We'll take it out and grab a bag of cigarettes on the way out.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I have type 85 diabetes.
Guest:That's a thing, now it is.
Guest:Even the vegan thing's weird because I feel like, we were talking about preaching to the choir before, and I feel like with the vegan thing,
Guest:It's one of those things where like, even you have the most progressive audience where I can be like, hey, people use religion as an excuse to hate.
Guest:And everyone's like, fuck religion.
Guest:And I'll be like, the war is an illegal occupation.
Guest:They're like, fuck the war.
Guest:And then I'll be like, sometimes I eat salad.
Guest:And they're like, you pussy Jew motherfucker.
Guest:Go fuck yourself.
Guest:And they're so angry.
Guest:So I even like, I found a way to alienate progressives too.
Guest:You don't understand.
Marc:You didn't just alienate progressives.
Marc:Vegans alienate everybody.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It's so condescending, and I understand.
Marc:I'm dating a vegetarian, and she brought it up to me that just by nature of the fact that you get to sit at a table where people are just eating food and be like, oh, I don't know.
Marc:It's so fucking annoying and horrible.
Guest:But that's just like not liking things.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:You're going to tell me that there's not a principle behind your ridiculous dietary restrictions?
Guest:There's a total principle.
Guest:No, I mean, anyone who calls himself an environmentalist I think shouldn't eat meat.
Guest:I mean, that causes more harm to the... Thank you, one person.
Guest:Uh...
Guest:Yeah, how does that feel?
Guest:Well, I would like to disprove the stereotype.
Guest:She had enough energy to clap, which makes me happy.
Guest:So fuck all of you.
Guest:Also, we don't even go after fucking brave animals.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:We went after tough animals, that'd be fine.
Guest:But what do we do?
Guest:We turn fucking chickens into McNuggets.
Guest:Ooh, that's brave.
Guest:Or cows.
Guest:We capture cows.
Guest:How do we trick that beast into the factory farm?
Guest:He's the stoner of the animal kingdom.
Guest:Here's Family Guy box set DVD season four.
Guest:If we ate fucking tigers, if you were like, dude, I just caught a fucking tiger, I'd be like, let's eat that fucking tiger and send a message back to us fucking tiger kids.
Guest:They'd be like, oh, this is for Siegfried and Roy.
Guest:And I would eat the shit out of that tiger.
Guest:But we don't.
Guest:And here's the thing.
Marc:Wait, wait, wait.
Marc:You would eat a tiger?
Marc:I would eat a tiger.
Marc:That's fucked up.
Marc:I know, right?
Guest:But that's the thing.
Marc:Don't you like bacon?
Marc:Seriously, bacon.
Guest:No.
Marc:No, seriously.
Guest:Everybody...
Marc:No, seriously, bacon.
Guest:Think about it.
Marc:Just think about it.
Marc:Think about it honestly.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Just think about it honestly.
Marc:Take a minute.
Marc:Like, let's do it.
Marc:Bacon.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Nothing?
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:No, I'm going to go back on all of my principles.
Guest:And no, I don't.
Guest:And here's the thing.
Guest:I feel bad about the animals I do now that you bring it up.
Guest:That's the thing.
Guest:I think that's why people get so defensive.
Marc:What if I just ordered meat and I apologized to it before I ate it?
Marc:You apologized to the dead?
Marc:No, I get a steak and I go, sorry.
Marc:Right.
Guest:And then eat it.
Guest:Is that kind of like the apology you were going to do here?
Guest:And then you started making fun of me about being a vegan?
Marc:Yeah, kind of.
Marc:Because we didn't get to the apology.
Marc:I just realized that.
Marc:The apology is I've been sort of a dick and I'll probably be a dick more.
Marc:See, this is a conditional apology with you.
Marc:Usually I apologize and really, you know, I'm going to change because of my relationship with the person.
Marc:But I don't think I can stop being a dick to you.
Guest:I've accepted it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like the one thing...
Marc:Because he does this thing, because he's a spoken word guy, like he does this breathing thing when he does his act.
Marc:Oh, that makes you seethe.
Marc:I know, I don't even know why, but I remember you did that set at UCB in the show we were on and you killed, and you were walking backstage and go, nice breathing.
Guest:And here's what's funny.
Guest:Don't say you don't do it on purpose.
Guest:Don't you fucking dare say you don't do it on purpose.
Guest:No, 18-year-old Jamie on stage is just like, Mark's watching this set, and maybe today's the day he'll tell me I did a good job.
Marc:Nice breathing.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right, son.
Marc:Listen, I think you're doing great work.
Guest:Thanks, buddy.
Marc:And I enjoy your work.
Marc:It makes people very excited.
Marc:I enjoy you.
Marc:I just wish you'd slow down.
Guest:I know.
Guest:it's a panic thing it really is like me i'm talking about important things oh it's the worst man and like and you do this thing too where like everybody who doesn't like you i project different family members onto them like you can make eye contact with every time someone leaves i'm like bye dad and then like if a woman looks mad i'm like hello mom sorry i didn't go to college like it's really fucking rough like no matter how many people like you in an audience comics find a fucking way
Guest:no i like everybody now i'm very open to laughing there's very now i don't give a shit if you like me if you like everybody like that's i i wanted the mark who hated most people to like me that guy's gone okay now now how do you how does it work for you when you go on the road with this stuff i mean because i i imagine that you don't only do like liberal progressive havens yeah no i mean it goes really well um the people who like it really like it so like i just did kansas city um last week which has some like really amazing like progressive parts like around it very small parts
Guest:Comedy clubs will market everybody the same way.
Guest:So like when I went to Kansas City, instead of going to these like liberal towns.
Marc:People are just going out for general comedy.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I did.
Guest:He was like, we're going to do this right wing country western station.
Guest:And I'm like, that'll be funny.
Marc:It's a radio experience.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I'm like, but do I have to promote the show?
Guest:But I'm like, is anybody going to come?
Guest:And he goes, no, don't worry about it.
Guest:Don't talk about politics, which is all I talk about.
Guest:He goes, just do the Jew stuff.
Guest:I don't have Jew stuff.
Guest:He just saw my name and was like, you have Jew stuff.
Guest:So this is the quote, just do Jew stuff.
Guest:They're totally anti-Semitic.
Guest:And then he gave me a thumbs up.
Guest:And I was like, but I don't have Jew material.
Guest:And so we go to this station to apparently, like, bait the Jew haters.
Guest:And we go, and I'm like, it's not going to be as bad as I think.
Guest:It's going to be these dumbass shock jocks, and they're going to do their goofy shit.
Guest:And we literally get there, and the guy's looking at a piece of paper.
Guest:He looks up at me, looks at the paper, and goes, Kielstein, eh?
Guest:And then I look at him, I'm like, yeah.
Guest:And he goes, Jew, right?
Guest:And I go... Get out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I go, yeah.
Guest:And then the owner's trying to hype me up, and he goes, you know, the only other guy that his manager manages are Robin Williams and Woody Allen.
Guest:And the guy goes, Robin Williams...
Guest:Tell me something.
Guest:Is he a Jew?
Guest:And I go, I don't know, man.
Guest:And then he goes, I know Woody Allen's a Jew.
Guest:And I'm like, we all know that Woody Allen's a Jew.
Guest:And then he goes, you know who else is a Jew?
Guest:And that's when I was like, are we making a fucking list?
Guest:Like, it sounded like...
Guest:We were about to hit the streets.
Marc:There is a list.
Marc:There's a guy who's made a list of, I think it's called, I can't forget what it's called, Jewsomethingsite.com.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:Well, he has this huge list of Jews from history, and it's an anti-Semitic site supposed to show how horrible Jews are.
Marc:But he has this huge list of all these actors and scientists and everything.
Marc:And I'm like, first of all, I got him on the phone because I was upset that I wasn't on the list.
LAUGHTER
Marc:And then like I really wanted to convince him to just tweak it because it's clear if you look at the list that Jews are fucking amazing.
Guest:Right.
Marc:And this guy was a Nazi and he just refused to turn his mind around.
Marc:But he did put me on the list.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Congratulations.
Marc:So what ended up happening?
Guest:I mean, we walked I mean, one night we walked about 200 people out of 400.
Guest:I mean, we would walk.
Guest:pretty much every night.
Guest:You walked 200 people at once?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I wasn't happy about it.
Marc:At what moment did they all decide to get up?
Guest:Literally, and I had them in the beginning, and that's what sucked, is I had them, and I started getting more into it.
Guest:Religion, right?
Guest:Yeah, it was religion.
Guest:It was totally religion.
Guest:And I didn't even set it up as in, like, hey, you believe this?
Guest:You're retarded.
Guest:I was just like, maybe gay people aren't bad, and they were like, and we're out.
Guest:And they left, but here was the thing, is the dude who went before me, who was so fucking mean to me, and I kept, like, really needily trying to be, like, nice to him, um...
Guest:He was like, hey, I go, do you talk about politics?
Guest:And he goes, yeah.
Guest:And I go, oh, well, what do you talk about?
Guest:Maybe I'll switch my set around.
Guest:He goes, you'll see.
Guest:And I go, okay.
Guest:And then he walked on stage.
Guest:And so here was one of his jokes is he brings up China.
Guest:And I go, perhaps we're talking about the economy.
Guest:And he goes, he's talking about the Chinese milk scare.
Guest:And he goes, I would never drink milk from China because I've never seen a Chinese cow.
Guest:And I go, all right.
Guest:And he goes, white cows be all like moo.
Moo.
Guest:Let that be a Chinese cow.
Guest:Are you all letting it be?
Guest:Chinese cow go, ching chong ching chong.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And wait, so here's the thing.
Guest:No racist joke, no racist words, just racist noises brings the fucking house down.
Guest:Like every night, except for the one night I did well, which was the one night it bombed.
Guest:He goes, ching chong ching, silence.
Guest:And then he goes, oh, I'm sorry, too political for you.
And then he puts the mic down.
Marc:Jamie Kilstein, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Move down.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:Are you going to purge?
Marc:Eddie Pepitone just sheepishly walked across the room.
Marc:You want to sit way down there?
Marc:That's cool.
Marc:You can get on mic, too.
Marc:This guy you might have seen on Last Comic Standing.
Marc:He's a very funny, tall gentleman who comes from Kansas, right?
Marc:Chris Porter.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Now, Chris...
Marc:I assume that you grew up, if you grew up in Kansas, you grew up surrounded by people that were frightening.
Marc:Are they your family?
Guest:Yeah, I'm related to them.
Guest:I live in a family, you know, I go home and I love my family to death.
Marc:I'd gotten arrested for them, but... Wait, wait, wait, you're just not going to blow by that, are you?
Guest:Long story short, we were at a bar and it was like a district of bars.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so like the bar district had a security patrol.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And my cousin, who's a very well-built gentleman, was just like, hey, man, look how... It was like a sconce.
Guest:We had a country bar, so it normally held a red velvet rope, but this held just a rope.
Guest:And...
Guest:And he goes, look how flimsy this is.
Guest:And he knocks it over and he picks it back up.
Guest:And next thing you know, we're surrounded by six security guards.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm looking around like, all right.
Guest:And I go, can I help you, gentlemen?
Guest:He's like, yeah, we think your buddy there is a little drunk.
Guest:And I was like, you're insane.
Guest:He knocked the thing over to show me how flimsy it was.
Guest:He picked it back up.
Guest:I was like, I don't know.
Guest:And they're like, well, we think he's had a little too much to drink.
Guest:And about that time he put his hands on my cousin and I said, man, fuck you.
Guest:And I thought there was going to be further discussion.
Guest:Like that was just my opener.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they thought that was my closer because they came at me.
Guest:All six of them.
Guest:And I didn't throw any punches, but I kept myself up for as long as possible.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:and then eventually was shoved onto the ground.
Guest:I was like, ah, you got me.
Marc:So you didn't do the standard sort of Midwestern drunk thing and fight them all the way into the car?
Guest:No, I did.
Guest:I was pretty vocal once they got the cuffs on me.
Guest:I was like, you happy now, you fucking pussies?
Guest:You got the guy whose cousin knocked over the sconce?
Yeah.
Guest:And I'm like, and I'm just scrum like, you fucking, you know, is this what your job's come to?
Guest:Like, this is your Wednesday night.
Guest:You got to bust this guy.
Guest:And I don't know.
Marc:By the time you got in the car, I never understand what happens on some of those shows that I don't watch very often.
Marc:But by the time they get the fucking screaming, you know, crazy person in the car, right when the handcuffs go on, it's like, fuck you, fuck you.
Marc:And somehow by the time they get in the car, their pants are off.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:Their shirts ripped open, they're bleeding, and they haven't been touched.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That happened?
Guest:No.
Guest:Good.
Guest:My shirt got ripped in the scuffle, but that was about it.
Guest:And I kept yelling at my sister.
Guest:I was in a phase where I was wearing a lot of fedoras or whatever reason.
Guest:And I just kept yelling.
Guest:I still got them if you want them.
Guest:I've seen you in a couple hats.
Guest:Yeah, and I just kept going, get my hat!
Guest:Get my hat!
Guest:That's my favorite fedora.
Guest:Wait, wait, did I just say that out loud?
Guest:Shit!
Guest:Don't let him take my hat!
Guest:So, you know, my family...
Guest:Definitely has a racist contingent in it.
Guest:Like, it's very fun.
Guest:Like, my dad's side of the family is an artist, like, very musical guitarist.
Guest:My dad's the black sheep who's the businessman or whatever.
Guest:And then my mom's one of seven of a heavy Catholic family.
Guest:And my grandpa says, just calls black people niggers.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Like, that's...
Guest:And I always thought he was trying to be offensive by it, but then I realized that that's just what he calls them.
Guest:Like, he doesn't not like black people.
Guest:Like, he thinks they're fine, but when they're not around, they're niggers.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:And I realized that once when a Hispanic lady came over, and she was, like, a friend of our family's, and he was just like, oh, where'd you used to live?
Guest:And she was like, well, I grew up over here, and blah, blah.
Guest:She's like, you probably don't know.
Guest:He's like, well...
Guest:You know, he used to deliver oil with my great-grandpa across Kansas City, like on a wagon with horses.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he'd just be like, oh, no, I've been to every nigger, chink.
Guest:And he just continually labeled off every racist name for every race.
Guest:But did he say, you're a beaner, right?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And that's when I realized, oh, you're just...
Guest:not stupid like you're just you know you just don't get that that's one of the most offensive things you can call all those people but at some point did you ever say you know you shouldn't call people that because it's offensive and racist and it's horrible and you know and of course my little cousin you know when every one of the grandkids goes through college they're all disgusted by the way our family acts sure
Guest:And then as soon as they get out of college, they're like, oh, no, yeah, I'll say nigger.
Guest:That's fine.
Guest:And so, like, I definitely have cousins where, like, we'll be out at bars, and they'll just be like, nigger this, nigger that.
Guest:I'm like, dude, A, that's not cool.
Guest:And B, they're all around us.
Guest:You know, they're going to hear you, and you can fight.
Guest:I cannot.
Guest:I've always gotten away...
Marc:out of fights with funny or just being smarter than the guy that's trying to fight right and you're just gonna get our asses kicked i'm just not so that's interesting to me though because when you have this in your family and you have these arguments with people that you know within your family and they just don't see that they're wrong and they know they're fucking wrong which makes them even more racist but they're your family and then there's this line drawn where you know then all of a sudden you become one of them
Guest:yeah like you're like oh hell there's a hippie one yeah and then they they somehow you're wrong well yeah but my family is still no matter how wrong they think you are no matter how wrong i think my cousins are we're still family like i think that's there's uh unconditional love there like even though except for other races except for other races yeah but everybody else but at the same time if i brought a black girl home yeah
Guest:No one would not like her.
Guest:They wouldn't be like, oh, Chris brought the black girl home.
Marc:No, they would say the other thing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But at the same... But they wouldn't say it while she was in the room.
Marc:Right.
Guest:But they would be very... And, you know, if I married her, they would love her just as they loved anyone else.
Marc:Dean, I'm trying to be as diplomatic as possible.
Guest:Okay, thanks.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I've had, you know, this word, even if it's said in stories and about somebody else, is still offensive, and I knew Dean was sitting over there, and we'll deal with that in a minute.
Marc:But...
Marc:Right, Dean?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:This is what I'll do.
Marc:This is what I'll do.
Marc:I'll do exactly what he would have done in the bar.
Marc:Dean, he said it.
Marc:I know it's in casual conversation.
Guest:It was in a story.
Marc:And that's what they always say, right, Dean?
Marc:It was in the story.
Marc:Okay.
Okay.
Marc:It's not my fight to fight, Chris.
Marc:It's all on you.
Guest:It's all right.
Marc:No, I feel okay about it.
Marc:So now, do you perform when you go back there?
Guest:Yeah, I don't like to perform at home.
Marc:It's the worst, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:When your family comes out?
Guest:But it's not a comedy thing.
Guest:It's like, like I said, my uncles are in music and they come back home and they're like, I fucking hate performing at home.
Guest:And it's not...
Guest:It's because it's not the normal road experience where you show up to a gig.
Guest:No one knows who you are.
Guest:You can go do the gig and not worry about anything else.
Marc:Not worry about failing.
Marc:You can just go jerk off alone in your hotel room.
Guest:Or not worry about the fact that you've only written 20 new minutes in the last year.
Guest:So you know half the show they know already.
Guest:So you got to be like, ah, remember this one?
Guest:It was good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But plus, it's just that, you know, 20 minutes before every other show, I'm out in the back smoking reefer, getting ready for the show.
Marc:And now... So you've forgotten your new 20 minutes.
Marc:And now you've got to go with the old hour.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:So, no, but then... But, you know, now I got... When you're at home, you have everyone in their family going, I want free tickets.
Guest:I want free tickets.
Guest:Why don't I get free tickets?
Guest:And you're just like, well, it's... You know, I bought shitty weed from you five years ago.
Guest:And we were kind of friends because you sold me weed.
Guest:And I didn't know anyone else that had weed.
Guest:But I haven't spoken to you in five years.
Guest:I know other people with weed.
Guest:pay for your own fucking tickets.
Guest:And give me my hat back.
Marc:And give me... I know I left my second favorite fedora at your house.
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:I traded it for weed.
Guest:The one with the sparkles.
Marc:So now let's talk briefly about this last Comic Standing business.
Marc:Did you guys get that show up here?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Dude.
Marc:So when did you come in?
Marc:Third.
Marc:Third.
Marc:Now... Oh, thanks.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:But you've been doing comedy a while, right?
Guest:Yeah, well, I'd been doing it eight years when we did the show.
Marc:Yeah, so you're a real comic.
Marc:See, I have a problem with Last Comic Standing.
Guest:I have problems with it, too.
Guest:Like what?
Guest:Basically, I think what you're about to get, you know, when we did it, it was, they were bringing it back, and they were really trying to make it a strong show.
Guest:And, I mean, I was on there with Gabriel Iglesias, and
Guest:no tie bar and like real real comics like that have been doing it eight or nine years that had you know you need an hour to do that show right because you're going to go on the road with it well not only that but i mean you know we went from having to do two we went from doing the boat yeah and then doing the boat there was a boat with the house part we did uh i don't fucking watch it we're on the queen mary yeah
Guest:Which has been dry docked for years.
Guest:It was just a hokey.
Guest:I think they got it for free.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was a free location.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And then we were only supposed to do two final episodes, and then they expanded that to five.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Like it was no big deal.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Like you're going to do three extra episodes.
Marc:Because they were milking it because people were digging it.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:So they dragged the competition on.
Marc:They made you deal with each other for another three days.
Guest:But you had comics that could deal with it.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Who had the depth and knew what they were doing.
Marc:Right.
Guest:But now...
Guest:They're going for the younger, especially like season six, they even said we're doing people that have only been in it three or four years.
Marc:Right, so they're doing the big middle tour.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:We're going to do a nationwide tour of openers.
Marc:The last Comic Standing tour is like 12 guys that could do seven minutes.
Guest:It's going to be great.
Guest:They have to hand out flyers before they go on the set.
Guest:And then you're on the show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then they're like, well, why isn't the show working?
Guest:I'm like, well, that's why.
Guest:Not that those cats aren't talented or won't be talented.
Guest:Some of them won't, but some of them will.
Guest:But you get them way early.
Guest:Way too early.
Guest:You're exposing them way before they should be exposed, and it's... Right.
Guest:It's like a crucible, almost.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:You're the guy that failed on Last Comic Standing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Or, you know, if you're on national TV, and they're like, I saw you.
Guest:And you're like, yeah?
Guest:And they're like, yeah, you're all right.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:It's worse if they just weave it at I saw you.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:You're just like, that fucking passive-aggressive shit, I hate that.
Marc:It's like, hey, man, I saw you the other night.
Marc:Because they know we're needy fucks.
Marc:They're like, yeah, yeah.
Marc:See ya.
Marc:Chris Porter, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Now for the other side on the friendly racism topic, please welcome former SNL cast member and someone I haven't seen in years.
Marc:Very happy to see him.
Marc:Dean Edwards, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:What's up, buddy?
Guest:We's poppin', we's out.
Guest:The funniest moment was on the first nigga.
Guest:No, no, it was actually, it was the second nigga when people realized that I was in the corner.
Guest:Because the first one, a lot of y'all didn't see me, but the second, because I'm wearing black and I have, I'm black, you know?
Guest:Like, I'm not like Will Smith, yellow, black, I'm dark, you know?
Guest:And so I was over there in the dark, and then on the first nigga, I was like, okay, so they're all gonna notice me eventually.
Guest:And then after you said nigga the second time, everyone, and even you, Jamie, Jamie kind of was looking down like, he's like,
Guest:Is Dean looking at me?
Guest:He knows.
Guest:I'm not a ventriloquist.
Guest:It's coming from Chrisism.
Guest:Does he want me to attack Chris?
Guest:But the weirdest thing about the word nigga, it's black people, especially in the States, deal with this interesting dichotomy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Where you're always on guard.
Guest:So as soon as... I know Chris, so I know he's not... I know you're telling it from a story point of view, so I don't... The one part of me is like, well, you know, he's telling a story.
Guest:It's not him.
Guest:It wasn't me.
Guest:It's a story.
Guest:But then the other part of me that has Todd Lynn and everyone else, like every other... Every angry black person I know is on my shoulder saying, words, are you just going to let that go, dog?
Guest:You just...
Guest:You want to let that roll?
Marc:Yeah, that's what I think you're like, all right, by the first one, you're like, all right, he's telling a story.
Guest:But by the seventh one.
Guest:Well, because like I said, you have that dichotomy.
Guest:So the one side is like, well, it's still a story.
Guest:And then the other side is like, he's almost in double digits.
Guest:You know?
Guest:We get double digits, you're going to have to stand up and just, you know, let that temple muscle flex so he wouldn't see me because it's dark over there anyway.
Guest:Well, I think the real question, Dean, is... I got to ask you this.
Guest:If I would have told the story and just kept... And every time, instead of saying the word, I paused and looked around uncomfortably and said the N-word...
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, well, does that change anything?
Guest:Yeah, actually, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, it does.
Marc:Yeah, it does a little bit, you know.
Marc:I ain't gonna front.
Marc:Well, I think the real question, though, is, like, in relating to that, if you had chosen that... Yeah.
Marc:See, my question is, is that when he started saying the N-word, I'm not gonna say it.
Guest:Because I'm closer?
Guest:No.
Marc:No, I don't.
Marc:I worked with a dude on the radio for a year and a half, Mark Riley, who's a black dude, on Air America, and we had a show...
Marc:And we used to do that show.
Marc:And this is a true story, and I didn't know I was going to bring it up, but we used to do that show in WLIB, which was one of the first black networks in New York, and Air America had taken over the office.
Marc:So we were in their house doing the show.
Marc:See how they take over, the brothers started?
Guest:That's right.
Marc:The liberals colonized the brothers' radio station to do that.
Marc:And there's this burden, because Jamie obviously felt uncomfortable, but I tried to have...
Marc:a conversation with him literally within the first week of doing the show with him about the word and I said it you know I said I think we can have an open discussion about the word and this he was this look came on his face like it was like like literally like he had been hit by something yeah and he like and it was it was horrible because the
Marc:He told me that he got a phone call on his phone.
Marc:This is the day after that we had that discussion.
Marc:He said, yeah, I got a phone call from a guy.
Marc:I don't know who it was, but he said, don't stand too close to Marin.
Guest:Oh, wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So like now I'm walking around for three days thinking I'm going to get fucking shot.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And it turns out no one called him.
Guest:He just didn't want to lose his gig.
Guest:And that's what he chose to tell me.
Guest:No, it's an interesting, it's one of those strong words that makes people, for me, it's funny because it makes white people so uncomfortable.
Guest:Right.
Guest:When someone white says it, like, I was actually sitting over there laughing up to number six, right?
Guest:Up to number six, I was giggling, and I was like, oh, it's getting kind of... Paul Mooney's in the background.
Guest:So you're just going to let that slide, brother.
Guest:You know...
Guest:But it's always funny for us because we're like, you know, there's just, because I don't use the word.
Guest:I just, you know, like years ago I went through, you know, as most young African American, it's always funny saying African American, I'm just black.
Guest:Yeah, can I just say black?
Guest:Yeah, I'm good with black though.
Guest:So I went through this whole, like reading Malcolm X and the autobiography of Malcolm X and in the book he, or in his life he said, it takes an intelligent man to be able to,
Guest:communicate without using profanity.
Guest:So at that point, I said, you know what, I'm going to try.
Guest:And I was in the army too, so it was hard.
Guest:Because when you have a drill in your face, get your dick in the dirt, private.
Guest:Your mother smells like a goat.
Guest:It's hard not to say, damn, motherfucker.
Guest:You want it to fly out, but over the course of time, it got easier for me not to use it and not to use it.
Guest:Use the word nigga.
Marc:Well, see, the weird thing is, like, some black people, no matter what the context, if you say it, it doesn't matter what the context is.
Marc:I got an email.
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like, literally, that word should not exist.
Guest:Oh, listen to me.
Guest:I'm also clarifying how, like, both sides of how I felt so that anyone black that is listening isn't like, Dean, that was a sellout.
Guest:He didn't even stand up for us.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Because you always have to deal with that.
Guest:I think Chappelle said years ago, he was like,
Guest:How come black cat, you can't just, on TV, you can't just be a janitor.
Guest:You have to be the first black janitor.
Guest:And then you represent for the whole race.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Because being black in the States or in America, you suddenly become the responsible one.
Guest:And so everybody looks to you for guidance.
Guest:The burden of history is on you, black man.
Guest:I'm like, hey, man, I just wanted to tell my fart jokes.
Guest:You know?
Guest:I want to try and uphold the race.
Guest:I actually heard a porno chick.
Guest:She was like, well, you know what?
Guest:I'm a porn star, but I'm one of the first.
Guest:And I was like, boo, you take it in the face.
Guest:Don't try to.
Guest:You're holding up the race and then wiping your face off.
Marc:The first black porn chick.
Marc:She's really doing.
Marc:They're going to put her on a stamp, I guess.
Guest:Yes, yes, she will.
Guest:It's already sticky.
Guest:Powsing.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:So where the fuck have you been, man?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:When you said that, I actually, like, and you know this as well, like, in this, comedy, stand-up comedy is the one industry where you can be, like, a successful failure.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Because I did...
Guest:You don't got to tell me.
Guest:Yeah, you know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Look, honestly, when I first walked in, I felt like, oh, we're going to each do a one-man show for 10 minutes.
Guest:But no, I did Saturday Night Live from 01 to 03.
Guest:Got a deal with ABC that turned into me buying a house.
Guest:And since then, I've been doing... Trying to pay for the house.
Guest:Yeah, well, no, the house got paid for, but it was like, I'm a road dog, man.
Guest:I started out like...
Guest:People always... Someone asked me earlier today, Teresa with the festival.
Guest:She said, yeah, she said, so how was your time on Saturday Night Live?
Guest:I said, hey, man, I had a blast.
Guest:But you know me, and I'm the type...
Guest:The glass is always half full.
Guest:So I think Rock said years ago, he's like, look, ever since I've known Lorne Michaels, I've been rich.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And I haven't been rich, but I've been comfortable.
Guest:So SNL offered me a lot.
Guest:And still, to this day, people are like, what do you want us to say?
Guest:I'm like, say Saturday Night Live.
Guest:Until you get a bigger credit, you roll with that one.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And so I'm fine with it.
Guest:I was funny before the show.
Guest:I was funny on the show when they gave me an opportunity.
Guest:And I was funny...
Guest:Been funny after the show.
Marc:You're funny right now.
Guest:You know, yeah.
Guest:And I stay on the grind.
Guest:You know, I tour a lot.
Guest:Actually, I do a lot of voiceover.
Guest:I'm actually bizarro Eddie Murphy, like Eddie's stunt double voice.
Guest:So, like, every commercial for Shrek products that you see that is not, you know, the movie itself is me doing donkey.
Guest:Like, all the McDonald's and like, Shrek, I think I'm going crazy.
Guest:And the glass was turning around.
Guest:That was me, you know?
Guest:Eddie didn't want to... There's a new Halloween special premiering in about a month on the NBC back home.
Guest:It'll be on here called Scared Shrekless.
Guest:We're supposed to be like Shed Shitless, but Shrek.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:And so Eddie was the only cast member that
Guest:for whatever reason, didn't want to do the TV special, so they brought me in.
Guest:I wound up... I'm giving my bio for you, mainly.
Guest:Like, a couple years back, I wound up being part of Shrek the Musical.
Guest:I workshopped the show for about two years, and then at the last minute...
Guest:uh sam mendes and katzenberg fired like 75 of the cast yeah the guy who was cast as shrek i know that guy steve right the guy oh yeah glickman that's a buddy of mine steve glickman he played he was shrek to my donkey right and uh they they got rid of most of your donkey he was shrek to my my donkey and um and they but they you know there were too many chefs in the kitchen on that one but um
Guest:From that, I wound up developing this relationship with Kazenberg and DreamWorks.
Guest:I've actually made more success or had more success because the show got canceled.
Guest:But because we worked on it so long, we still get paid for it.
Guest:So like the story, so I still get my text.
Guest:That's a good job.
Guest:So that's a beautiful day.
Guest:Dean Edwards, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:From SNL and Eddie Murphy's voice double.
Marc:That's a good credit.
Marc:All right, here we go.
Marc:This next performer has been on my show before.
Marc:I'm happy to have her back.
Marc:We just did a bumper shoot together, you know, from the Sarah Silverman program.
Marc:Please welcome Tig Notaro.
Marc:Hi, Tig.
Guest:Hi, Mark.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:Dean, I can't believe you didn't mention the pilot we did together.
Marc:You guys did a pilot together?
Marc:We did.
Guest:It was the worst thing in the world.
Guest:It was called Comedy Coliseum.
Guest:And it was like 15 people.
Guest:You do stand-up, sketch, props.
Guest:There's like a samurai in underwear that rolls a prop card out.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Oh, yeah, that's right.
Guest:And how else would you get props?
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:So he rolls the card out in his underwear or diaper, and then you pick something, and then you're like, well, this is a cup.
Marc:So like they force everyone to do prop comedy?
Guest:Prop, you can choose.
Guest:But the best part is it was built as a coliseum, and behind the scenes, the next comedian that's going up to perform is...
Guest:elevated by an elevator and then they call your name and you walk out into the coliseum and if you look closely a lot of the audience members were sleeping during the taping yeah and I was sitting there with my friend Kyle and like you're supposed to scream and yell and make noise when the next comedian's coming down and what what I was doing was like during all of that madness I was yelling this is a horror
Guest:I can't believe this might be picked up for TV.
Guest:It was a bad show.
Marc:It was not.
Marc:It's like we're not.
Guest:It was produced by the guy that did America's Funniest Videos, Vin De Bono.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Marc:But like just the thought of a comic, like it's bad enough just to take a stage, but to rise out of the ground.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Literally, just sort of like, now a dramatic failure.
Guest:And there were flames going.
Marc:Oh, shit, for comedy?
Guest:Of course, Mark.
Marc:Fuck that.
Guest:You've been lost in the podcast world.
Guest:We're out there performing in Coliseum.
Marc:Hoping not to get eaten by lions.
Guest:Hoping to get eaten by lions.
Guest:One last thing about Comedy Coliseum.
Guest:Please.
Guest:The most humiliating moment.
Guest:was when the producer looked at us and said, I feel like I'm looking at the original cast of Vesanal.
Marc:The original cast of Vesanal.
Marc:That was his white light moment.
Guest:Here we are.
Guest:Now go grab that bat off of the diaper.
Guest:Grab that melon.
Guest:Anyway.
Marc:So wait, I'm still having a hard time.
Marc:So they just take comics and then you have props.
Marc:What are you having a hard time with?
Marc:You have a choice of props.
Marc:There was a time limit.
Marc:So you had a choice of props and then one?
Guest:you had to you had to stand up improv and props and you have a short amount of time and you have to make people laugh the ones that are still awake and there were five weren't there there were like five people random people in the audience that you didn't know and you had to make them laugh i didn't even pay attention holy shit you know there's got to be footage of that from some comic that we know i have the i have the dv because i hosted it oh i was the ringmaster of this coliseum of which we speak and
Marc:So there's footage of guys we know, like, choosing the prop options?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Natasha Leggero, her go-to move was humping the prop cart.
Guest:Right!
Guest:Like, any time she had to do stand-up or props or sketch, she just humped.
Marc:She just humped.
Marc:Now, see, that's, like, more incriminating than a sex tape for Natasha.
Marc:I think she should release it on YouTube.
Guest:That is her sex tape, yeah.
Guest:She's humping a prop cart.
Yeah.
Marc:So I'm glad we didn't dress the same tonight.
Marc:Well, you know... We had this thing where literally we did shows in Seattle and we were wearing the same fucking outfit.
Guest:We were the only two comedians on the show.
Guest:And then I would come out and then Mark would come out.
Guest:The only difference was he had facial hair.
Guest:More obvious facial hair.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:Well, I'm going to head out.
Guest:Okay, that was great.
Guest:I just kept picturing, when you were talking about your fedora, I just kept picturing you talking to your racist family members in your fedora.
Guest:Just going, don't say that.
Guest:In a black voice.
Guest:In a black voice.
Guest:Same man.
Guest:Because that's Robin Williams' voice is the black voice.
Guest:Yeah, man.
Guest:He takes it from 1975 because black people back in the 70s spoke and everything ended like they were singing.
Guest:I think I might impress everybody right now.
Marc:With a black voice?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Uh, yeah, hello.
Marc:Brilliant, brilliant.
Guest:Uh, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, what's going on?
Guest:Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Marc:What caused you to develop this character?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's a weird talent I have.
Guest:People are just tuning in and they're like, thanks.
Guest:All right, man.
Guest:Thanks for having me on.
Guest:It's hot on your podcast.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It's hot in my garage.
Marc:I'm sweating because I've got flannel on.
Marc:I've got everything else on.
Guest:You have a garage in Vancouver also?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I chose to do the theater because I wanted to do it live.
Marc:But yeah, I rented a garage.
Marc:I brought my cats up.
Marc:I'm going to be doing some interviews in there tomorrow.
Guest:So what?
Guest:You want to know a horrible road story?
Marc:You got one?
Guest:You're picking my band.
Guest:Yeah, of course I have a horrible... I have plenty.
Marc:Yeah, one shitty road story, then we'll have Eddie end this thing with the sad anger.
Guest:Well, I emceed one week in Denver at this C room, just like a third tier.
Guest:And I was bombing every night, every show.
Guest:And then on Friday night when I was leaving...
Guest:No, Saturday when I showed up for the first show, the owner handed me my check and was like, you know, you don't work in my club.
Guest:And I was like, oh, okay.
Guest:And there was nothing to ask.
Guest:Like, what do you mean?
Guest:I knew.
Guest:It was silent.
Guest:And so I left.
Guest:And when I was walking out, the feature who had been complimenting my stand-up, even though I was bombing every night,
Guest:when I was leaving in the parking lot, she was like, where are you going?
Guest:And I go, I just got fired.
Guest:And she's like, no, you didn't.
Guest:And I said, why do you think I'm heading out to my car at showtime?
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:And you're getting out of your car at Showtime.
Guest:And she's like, well, you just say it so casually.
Guest:And I was like, well, I mean, I don't know what else I'm going to do.
Guest:And so, oh, when I was leaving, there was a line of people to get into the show.
Guest:And in that line was a group of my friends.
Guest:And I had to walk past them.
Guest:And they were like, where are you going?
Guest:I was like, come here.
Guest:They were like, oh, we're so excited to see you.
Guest:I was like, I got fired.
Marc:Tig Notaro, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:There's no reason for things to finish big.
Guest:I'd love to tell it again.
Marc:Well, we can... Ladies and gentlemen, this man needs no introduction.
Marc:I'm going to... You want to stand, right, Ed?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:For the last word, as usual on the live podcast, Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey!
Guest:Hey, everybody.
Guest:I just want to say I'm a little loggy.
Guest:There was a gift basket when I came in to my hotel room.
Guest:And believe me, I love gift baskets because I haven't had the success a lot of these people have.
Guest:Matter of fact, when Dean brings up Saturday Night Live, all it does, I get bile, bile...
Guest:generates in me and when I hear about Lorne Michaels I want to kill that man I want to I want to lunge at that motherfucker so badly because he produces toothless fucking comedy as does as does all corporate comedy that's why I love podcasts Mark is the only one that'll have me if I if I was on the set of two and a half fucking men
Guest:I would just rip their clothes off and fuck everybody on that set.
Guest:Like, I would fuck everybody on that set.
Guest:The children, the men, the women, the crew.
Guest:Because everybody, at least in the United States, in television and about 90% of film are living a fucking lie.
Guest:Like, they all run around glad-handing each other going, that was great!
Guest:Oh!
Guest:That episode of Two and a Half Men that we just threw together was fucking amazing!
Yeah!
Guest:Wow!
Guest:We deserve to be the number one rated show.
Guest:And we all deserve our houses in the hills and the cars and the pussy and the caviar because we wrote that episode and we filmed it.
Guest:Yes, it was a lot like the previous eight years with a couple of tweaks.
Wow!
Guest:But anyway, I got a gift basket of cupcakes and it's fucked me up.
Guest:It's really fucked me up because...
Marc:It's okay.
Marc:It's okay.
Guest:And I'm losing my breath because I've had a few of them and I don't feel well.
Guest:But I don't feel well on so many fucking levels.
Guest:It's amazing.
Guest:And I come to Vancouver and I'm trying to avoid smoking weed because, you know, in my head it's like, Eddie, stay sharp.
Okay.
Guest:Stay angry.
Guest:Don't smoke pot.
Guest:But meanwhile, I'm running around town.
Guest:Cupcakes, pizza, lasagna, and pudding.
Guest:I might as well be smoking weed, I'm thinking.
Marc:Can I ask you a question real quick?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Pudding?
Marc:Pudding?
Marc:Yes, because yesterday...
Guest:No, I know pudding isn't cool to talk about.
Guest:I know that pudding is not like skull fuck indigo or whatever the fuck you people do.
Guest:You know, if I smoked weed, though, like, I'm such an older guy now that if I smoked weed, like, I get off on just bullshit now.
Guest:Like, I'd be like, oh, man, I'm going into Rite Aid.
Guest:That's a pharmaceutical.
Guest:I don't know if you have this, but it's a pharmaceutical.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, man, I'm going to get some wellness points.
Yeah.
Guest:It's funny shit if you knew what I'm talking about.
Guest:I don't tailor my stuff for a different country.
Guest:I let you come to me.
Guest:You come to me.
Guest:I'm tired of playing that game.
Guest:Oh, I'm going to tailor my shit to this country.
Guest:I'll fucking show up in Guatemala and talk about two and a half men.
Guest:And how it sucks and how the TV industry... And they don't know what I'm talking about and I don't care.
Marc:And then you're at the Guatemalan television studio pitching a Guatemalan version of Two and a Half Men.
Guest:Por favor!
Guest:Two people!
Guest:Two and a half!
Two and a half!
Guest:Knee, knee.
Guest:Anyway, I just want to say that at my age, it's like an apocalypse now.
Guest:Like when I see cupcakes, I kind of, like you got the gift basket too, right?
Guest:Yeah, fuck yeah.
Marc:Did you eat them?
Marc:Plowed through three and a half of them.
Marc:That's why I called you.
Marc:I called you immediately.
Guest:I know, that's right.
Guest:He did.
Guest:He said, Eddie, don't eat the cupcakes.
Guest:I was concerned.
Guest:But that is what it's like for me now.
Guest:Like, that's a big deal.
Guest:Like, I feel like when I see the cupcakes, the song, This Is The End by The Doors is playing.
Guest:Like, very low apocalypse now, helicopters coming up.
Marc:And you're chopping up an ox?
Guest:No, not an ox.
Guest:I'm chopping up a vanilla frosted cupcake.
Guest:Covered in icing?
Guest:I'm tired.
Guest:I'm tired from the sugar.
Marc:But seriously, did you eat pudding?
Guest:I did, because yesterday I did a podcast, and one of the guys, Graham Clark, I think, from Stop Your Podcasting.
Guest:Oh, come on!
Guest:It's not about Graham, right?
Guest:He said you talk about pudding a lot, so he brought me a 12-pack of Cozy Shack.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:And that was fucked.
Guest:How many down?
Guest:How many did you eat?
Guest:I only did two.
Guest:I gave two to another person.
Marc:You gave pudding away?
Marc:What?
Marc:You gave someone pudding?
Marc:Yes!
Marc:That's the weirdest fucking thing in the world.
Marc:Dude, dude, here's some pudding.
Guest:When I was walking down the street in Vancouver today on my way to Urban Outfitters, I passed this voice going, I'm just trying to love myself more.
Guest:Into a cell phone.
Guest:I turn around and it's this... It was into a...
Guest:Yes!
Guest:No!
Guest:This guy just crammed full of cupcakes saying I'm just trying to love myself more.
Guest:Because I do something called cell phone street theater.
Guest:I saw I saw Tig out of the corner of my eye and I said what a moment to blurt out I'm just trying to love myself more.
Marc:Who are you talking to you big pussy?
Marc:My girlfriend.
Guest:I'm sorry, ladies.
Guest:His five cats.
Marc:Eddie Peppertone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:King Notaro, Dean Edwards, Chris Porter, Jamie Kilstein.
Marc:This is live What the Fuck from the Global Comedy Festival, Havana Restaurant, Vancouver.
Marc:You're great.
Marc:I've got t-shirts.
Marc:I've got stickers.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming down.
Marc:If you want to talk or buy a t-shirt or buy you guys, you've got to run to another show.
Marc:Jamie Kilstein, WTFPod.com for all your WTF needs.
Marc:I love you, Vancouver.
Marc:Thank you.
Thank you.