Episode 110 - David Cross, Michael Showalter, Maeve Higgins, Glenn Wool, Karen Kilgariff
Guest:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Ow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:WDF.
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Merritt!
Guest:All right, all right.
Guest:Welcome to live what the fuck here at Comics in New York.
Guest:Let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fuck nicks.
Marc:Thank you for coming down to Comics in New York.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Marc:Oh, that's the proper response to that.
Marc:How are you, up close people?
Marc:It's really close, right?
Marc:It's weird when it's this close.
Marc:It's a little intense, right?
Marc:It doesn't become funny until like two or three rows back.
Marc:Here it's just draining and angry.
Marc:I'm so happy that you're here.
Marc:I'm so happy to be in New York.
Marc:Let's give this stuff away really quick.
Marc:As you know, WTF is sponsored by JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:And I have one bag of JustCoffee.coop.com.
Marc:Oh, it's his birthday?
Marc:Is that fucking true?
Marc:Or is she just bullshitting me to get a bag of coffee beans?
Marc:Could you live with that?
Marc:Happy birthday, fucker.
Marc:I'm sorry, it's his fucking birthday.
Marc:And I know what's going to happen.
Marc:They're going to leave, and they'll be like, that was so fucking ridiculous.
Marc:I lied about your birthday, and we got coffee, and now he thinks it's your birthday.
Marc:I want your name and email address.
Marc:Send me a Facebook message, and if I don't look on Facebook and it doesn't announce your birthday today, you're shit to me.
Marc:Okay, so now I'm going to unveil the new T-shirts.
Marc:Oh, look.
Look.
Marc:Look, it's Mark and the cat.
Marc:That's Monkey and LaFonda and Scary Boomer at the end.
Marc:Now, I have to be honest.
Marc:I owe some people some t-shirts, but I want to do this properly and fairly.
Marc:I have some for sale out front, but I'm just going to throw this like a bride.
Marc:Like a bride.
Marc:Oh, come on, you guys.
Marc:What?
Marc:Why am I stuck?
Marc:What happened?
What happened?
Marc:And I want to... Okay, okay.
Marc:Let's be nice, people.
Marc:Look what people bring me.
Marc:They have no respect for my eating disorder.
Marc:It's not bad enough I'm off nicotine and the pounds are coming on.
Marc:I'm not going to complain because I know I don't look fat, right?
Marc:Ah, that's why you're my fans.
Marc:Okay, but this is from, let me just make sure I get it right.
Marc:This is congratulations on the 100th episode.
Marc:Congratulations and more.
Marc:Thanks for making Mondays and Thursdays to look forward to.
Marc:I love it when you call your mom, but I don't think she'd approve of these local sweets.
Marc:No shit, Tim.
Marc:No shit.
Marc:My mother would not approve.
Marc:This bag would frighten her.
Marc:My mother would see this bag.
Marc:She'd be frightened by it.
Marc:And then she'd open this up.
Marc:And then she'd eat, like, a bunch of it compulsively and then throw the West in the garbage quickly.
Marc:That's what would happen with my mother.
Marc:But this is not where we are tonight.
Marc:Tonight I'm going to be in my hotel room later, sad that this is over, questioning how the show went.
Marc:Perhaps masturbating between you and me.
Marc:and then binging on this shit.
Marc:Because I know how to party.
Marc:Do you know me?
Marc:Are you here with a friend?
Marc:Are you a fan of the show?
Marc:Have you ever seen me before?
Marc:Because you're looking at me with this, like, is this supposed to be funny?
Marc:I don't understand why all these people seem to know what he's talking about.
Marc:He just seems like a too-much-information guy talking about masturbating and an eating disorder.
Marc:It's right up your alley?
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:Then you're in the right place.
Marc:I want to thank Amy for bringing the two pies for me and Brendan.
Marc:That was very nice, Amy.
Marc:And then I wanted to read this, too, because I don't know where you guys didn't hear that I don't want to eat all this cake, but I'm going to.
Marc:Marin, which means true Marc Maron fan by no first name.
Marc:Marin, enjoy the zucchini bread.
Marc:It's vegan and relatively healthy, so you can eat it in two sittings.
Marc:Oh, no, no, I'm not going to...
Marc:That's going in one sitting.
Marc:I plowed through a pint and a half of Hagen-Dazs the other night proudly.
Marc:Because I'd done yoga and I'd run compulsively for three days and I thought I should reward myself with peanut butter cup, chocolate fudge brownie, and vanilla to cut the edge on that shit.
Marc:You do that where you're like, I'm going to do the chocolate fudge brownie, but just like a dab of vanilla to cut it, you know, as I... Just to take the edge off of the chocolate intensity.
Marc:Oh, so you said you can eat it in two sittings and only feel mildly shitty about yourself.
Marc:I felt shitty about myself looking at that fucking cake.
Marc:In case you have allergies, it's got holy flour, soy flour, a little all-purpose zucchini, applesauce, flaxseed, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, grapefruit juice, pecan, salt, baking soda, baking powder, three-quarters of a cup of brown sugar, and our absolute love and appreciation for what you do.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Oh, and then at the end he says you might be a little allergic to that last one.
Marc:That's very true.
Marc:And you made that yourself.
Marc:That sounds like a fucking chemistry project, buddy.
Marc:That sounded like it took some time.
Marc:Well, I'm happy to be in New York.
Marc:As I said, I'm staying over in the Gramercy Park area where I used to live with my first wife.
Marc:And I was happy to see some of the same methadone addicts are still hanging around.
Marc:Because when you don't live in New York City, you forget that there, I don't know where the clinics are, but methadone addicts actually roam in packs.
Marc:And there's nothing more fun and funny than like six or seven methadone addicts trying to act like they're not on methadone.
Marc:Yeah, junkie tipping.
Marc:That's a very old joke of mine.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:That is a joke.
Marc:Yeah, that's so old, I'm not going to do it.
Marc:But I appreciate the shout-out to an old joke of mine that I used to do a lot.
Marc:But they're just so funny because they plod along at this weird pace.
Marc:They all talk like this, and they're all talking too loud and angrily about... You ever hear junkie conversations where you can't believe the level of anger about what they're talking about?
Marc:Where they're like,
Marc:Why is there only two breadsticks?
Marc:Where does that even come from?
Marc:They usually make this salad with two breadsticks more than you put in here.
Marc:You owe me a nickel.
Marc:and they were that angry about it.
Marc:And then I saw a guy hock up a loogie that was impressive.
Marc:And I don't mean to downplay New York, because I love New York, but I haven't been here in a while, so there was an assault.
Marc:Because I was low on sleep, and I got up, and I was running to do Opie and Anthony, because that's my double life.
Marc:I come here, and I'm Marc Maron, as you know me, and there I'm this filthy, hateful, self-hating, angry person, but I need to have that double life.
Marc:Well, I don't want to talk about the guy spitting.
Marc:It was just so impressive.
Marc:Because you know when you're walking down a street in New York and there's just hundreds of people of all types, and then somebody just takes the spotlight?
Marc:Like someone just comes out of the crowd.
Marc:And you don't know why it's going to happen, but I just saw this dude.
Marc:He was just walking angrily, and all of a sudden there was something special about him.
Marc:And he just went, and I'm like, yes, yes, bravo.
Marc:I flew in here yesterday, and some of you know I'm dating this girl that's too young for me and full of chaos.
Marc:And certainly I don't want to complain, but it's driving me fucking crazy.
Marc:I don't know if you've had a relationship like this where you really like a person, then you get together with them, and within three minutes you're screaming at each other.
Marc:And then you're like, fuck you.
Marc:I'm done with this.
Marc:I'm done.
Marc:And she's crying and she leaves.
Marc:And I'm like, fuck her.
Marc:I'm broken up with this shit.
Marc:I don't need this shit.
Marc:And before she gets home, I text her, I'm sorry, come back.
Marc:And then you fuck and you're like, are we good?
Marc:And then that happens every single day.
Marc:Is that healthy?
Marc:But I don't know, but I think I'm a romantic, though.
Marc:I do.
Marc:Well, here's what happened.
Marc:There was a big test for her, because you don't understand.
Marc:I don't know if you've dated this woman, but I have in my life, and I'm...
Marc:I'm a little old for it.
Marc:She rents a room at this house, which happens in LA.
Marc:It's fine.
Marc:But she nests.
Marc:She doesn't live in a bedroom.
Marc:It's just a pile of clothing.
Marc:The entire room is just a large pile of clothing with food boxes and her computer.
Marc:No, I mean, it's not rotting food.
Marc:But then you walk in, and literally everything she owns is on the floor.
Marc:And I go, what the?
Marc:what the fuck is this?
Marc:You can't clean up?
Marc:And she's like, well, that's just from last night.
Marc:I was trying to decide what to wear.
Marc:And I'm like, but you went through everything you own?
Marc:It's just chaos.
Marc:And then, you know, the only thing that makes sense is when she's lying on the bed and there's some semblance of order there.
Marc:And...
Marc:What am I getting at?
Marc:Where am I going with this?
Marc:But I really have really deep feelings with her.
Marc:For her, there was a big test where she said she was going to take me to the airport at 5 in the morning, and I knew there was no way that she was going to get up to do it, even if she wanted to in the deepest part of her heart.
Marc:She asked Klonopin for breakfast.
Marc:So... That's the breakfast of hyper-anxious, you know, whatever.
Marc:So...
Marc:So I knew she wasn't going to make it, but she really wanted to try to make it.
Marc:And I said, well, I'm going to fucking leave at 5 and text me at 4.30 if you're going to make it.
Marc:So, of course, she doesn't text me.
Marc:I call her at 4.48.
Marc:I'm like, are you coming?
Marc:She's like, I'm on my way.
Marc:And I'm like, you just woke up.
Marc:And your head just popped out of a pile of clothes when you heard the phone ring.
Marc:And now you say, you're going to get me.
Marc:Don't fucking bother.
Marc:I'm going to drive.
Marc:And I was mad.
Marc:And I'm driving to the airport mad.
Marc:And I'm thinking, like, it's fucking over.
Marc:I'm done with her.
Marc:And then I'm thinking, why can't they create a car that runs on resentment?
Marc:LAUGHTER
Marc:Like, they should have the technology.
Marc:Like, why can't there be a car that I get into in the morning and go, fuck this.
Marc:It's like, you know.
Marc:So I decide it's over.
Marc:So now I'm at the airport, a free man, okay?
Marc:Because she didn't come to pick me up, and we needed to break up that day.
Marc:But I knew that I wasn't going to be able to text her back and have sex later, so it could go on for a while.
Marc:But I get to the airport at 5 in the morning, a free man in my head, and I couldn't believe what was going on.
Marc:It was so bizarre.
Marc:Have you taken a flight at like 5 in the morning?
Marc:It's a 7 o'clock flight, so I'm at the airport at like 5.30, which means everybody's just waking up.
Marc:Like, and everybody's sort of vulnerable, you know, and kind of, you know, like, you know, like when people just get up, they're kind of like, oh boy, another day.
Marc:Like, and everybody, everybody at the airport is like that.
Marc:So everybody's sort of wide open and they don't mean to be.
Marc:And I have this weird moment.
Marc:where I get through security and I decided not to challenge myself and get my shoes on before the rest of the shit come out.
Marc:So I sat down to put my shoes on and a woman sat next to me and she was sort of like, you know, a little heavyset and, you know, had a nice, you know, she was kind of sloppy dressed and her hair was all matted from bed still.
Marc:And it's just this moment where I'm looking at her matted hair and I'm thinking, I could live with her.
Marc:Like, and there was some weird moment where I'm like, I felt like we just woke up together.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then I'm just looking at her, and she doesn't recognize me or know me or anything.
Marc:And then she walks away, and I'm like, oh, well, I guess that's over.
Marc:And then I saw another woman there who looked around my age, and she looked well put together and sort of carrying her shit really well.
Marc:And I'm thinking to myself, why can't I?
Marc:I could be with her, too.
Marc:That's what I need, a well-adjusted woman my own age with a job and somebody who wouldn't get invested in my insanity.
Marc:And by the time she walks by and she's 50 feet away, I've named our dog.
Marc:You know, and...
Marc:And then something happened on the plane where I have to cop to this stuff because I'm challenged racially occasionally for reasons that are not really based in racism, but they're just based in a lack of understanding of my ability to generalize.
Marc:But I... Which is racism.
Marc:And...
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:But here's the sexism thing.
Marc:Because I don't think that I'm involved with this woman.
Marc:I don't think that yelling and screaming and making each other crazy and making her cry.
Marc:I just think that we found each other and we have that interface.
Marc:Deep down inside, I know this is surprising, but I am emotionally detonated.
Marc:I'm like an emotional suicide bomber.
Marc:I am programmed when somebody gets too close to blow the fucking relationship up.
Marc:But sometimes I didn't realize I was a little sexist.
Marc:Obviously we all are a little bit.
Marc:But I had this moment on the plane, and I have to cop to it, because I'm on a plane.
Marc:We had taken off.
Marc:We're flying.
Marc:And the pilot comes on and says, hello, this is your pilot.
Marc:We're getting to level off at our flying altitude, but please keep your seat.
Marc:And it's a woman.
Marc:Hello, I'm your pilot.
Marc:And it's a woman's voice.
Marc:And I literally had a moment where I panicked.
Marc:I'm like, oh my God, can she fly this?
Marc:And it happened so naturally.
Marc:I didn't say it out loud.
Marc:But two thoughts went through my head.
Marc:It's like, holy fuck, are we going to be all right up here?
Marc:And then the next one was like, I hope there's a guy in there at least.
Marc:And then I had to stop myself and go, dude, of course women can fly planes.
Marc:Driving, not so much, but they can fly planes.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:I'm basing that on every woman I've known.
Marc:So that doesn't mean all women.
Guest:Let's bring out our first guest.
Guest:I'm glad you're here.
Guest:We've got a great show.
Thank you.
Marc:Let me tell you who's here so you can get excited.
Marc:In a moment I'll bring out our first guest.
Marc:I have Maeve Higgins all the way from Ireland.
Marc:Glenn Wool from Canada by way of London.
Marc:I have Karen Kilgareth who is fucking hilarious.
Marc:She's going to sing a couple of hilarious songs.
Marc:I have Dave Cross back there.
Marc:Dave, actually, I didn't know if he was going to make it, and I texted him yesterday, are you going to make it?
Marc:He said, yes, I'll be there early.
Marc:I have nothing to do all day, and I like beer.
Marc:So he's here.
Marc:And I guess I'll read the emails with Michael.
Marc:My first guest, you know from the state, you know from Michael and Michael have issues.
Marc:You know from Stella, you know from just being a very funny and earnest man and intelligent.
Marc:Michael Showalter, please.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Hi, Michael.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:Are you okay?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Yeah, you know, we talked earlier, and there was some concern, and you were a little angry, and we all know that show business can be disappointed, but fuck it, we've got each other.
Guest:Yes, we do.
Marc:Yay.
Marc:You're hugging.
Marc:Do you want to read some emails and respond to them with me?
Marc:Yeah, totally, totally.
Marc:I think that would help us out.
Guest:Are any of them to me, or are they all to you?
Marc:They're all about you in some way.
Marc:I wanted to read this one first because, you know, neither Mike, do you mind if I tell him?
Marc:We don't do drugs anymore, Mike or I, do we?
Guest:No, we don't.
Marc:Well, listen to this.
Marc:This is fucking awesome.
Guest:Although I do take melatonin.
Guest:Does that count?
Marc:You're a melatonin addict?
Guest:Addict?
Guest:That's a strong word.
Guest:Does it work for you?
Guest:Very much.
Guest:What do you use it for?
Guest:Are you on it now?
No.
Guest:Am I on it?
Guest:No, it's a sleeping... Yeah, so is a lot of things, but like you fucking... If I was on it right now, I'd be asleep.
Marc:But see, sometimes the funnest thing about sleeping things is not sleeping.
Guest:It's fighting the sleep.
Marc:It's taking and going, whoa, I'm going down, but I'm not!
Guest:But see, you're good because you don't need drugs to be crazy.
Marc:What, are you kidding me?
Marc:Oh, that's true.
Marc:I don't need drugs to be crazy.
Marc:But I find that if I don't have something to fill the void... So what's your vice?
Marc:Look at... My people are very sensitive to my needs.
Marc:Caramel-covered popcorn.
Marc:I will jam, like, sometimes I will eat ice cream, and while I'm eating it, I will sincerely believe in my heart that this is the best moment of my life, and that I never want it to end, and that, like, you know, when you eat peanut butter cup, fucking Ben and Jerry's, tell me how great it is to find the whole peanut butter cup.
Guest:Do you remember, ages and ages ago, you were talking about masturbating and watching your cum drip down the TV screen?
Guest:You like masturbated onto a television and you were watching, you were talking about watching your cum slowly drip down.
Guest:Am I just making this up?
Guest:You know, Michael, I hope you're not making it up.
Marc:If you decided that that was, like, if you don't know if that's real or not, like, I don't remember talking about it, but it sounds like something I might have done.
Guest:No, and I remember going, I remember hearing you do that and being like, Mark Maron is by far and away the most brutally honest comedian on the face of the earth.
Marc:Well, you know what that kind of behavior comes from?
Marc:That falls under the heading of hotel room boredom.
Marc:Sure.
Guest:Absolutely.
Marc:Like, you're in a hotel room.
Marc:There's nothing to do.
Marc:I've masturbated into drawers in hotel.
Marc:Sure, sure.
Marc:No, why not?
Marc:You're like, fuck it.
Marc:You know, and you just jerk off in a drawer.
Marc:You were there after me?
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Did you do it?
Marc:You don't get it.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:It's not the same.
Marc:Let's not get too deep into this.
Marc:Oh, you know what?
Marc:I masturbated into the Bible.
Marc:And you know that whoever was in that room and decided to read the Bible, there's no way to mistake what could have happened there.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:Who hasn't masturbated into a Bible?
Marc:A couple of people are uncomfortable.
Marc:I thought this was a comedy show.
Marc:Masturbating into the Bible.
Marc:No, it's been a long time since I masturbated onto a television, but I appreciate you remembering that.
Marc:I'm not sure why I would do that, but I could see myself doing it.
Marc:Thanks for bringing that up.
Marc:So that's what I do.
Marc:You do melatonin.
Guest:I think it's like you were watching the cum dripping down the TV screen and contemplating your existence at the same time.
Guest:It's just sort of like, has it come to this?
Marc:I do that.
Marc:Sometimes you need to, lately when I've been peeing, like if I'm standing naked, urinating, and this happened twice, where I literally say to myself, fuck, it's almost over.
Marc:Life, life.
Marc:Oh, life.
Marc:Like there's something about standing naked looking at this very base but necessary activity and going, is this all there is?
Marc:And on some level you realize this is all there is.
Marc:There's this and eating and trying to make a living and feel good about yourself.
Marc:But this is one of four things that we do.
Marc:Do you ever have that moment?
Guest:Absolutely all the time.
Marc:So listen to this.
Marc:Dear Mark, I must preface this by saying that I believe I am currently the highest I have ever been.
Marc:It's my birthday.
Marc:Like how I snuck that in there, he says.
Marc:So I decided to smoke a great amount of weed.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So then the next paragraph, he bullshits a little bit.
Marc:And this is the next paragraph.
Marc:He goes, do you think there will eventually be one universal accent?
Yeah.
Marc:How is that not a perfect stone thought?
Marc:And then, like, obviously he gets off on himself.
Marc:He's like, accents and languages started off because there were different groups of isolated people in the world, right?
Marc:And sometimes these groups get influenced by other groups who get influenced by others, and so on.
Marc:With the way communication technology is going, more people are talking to more people.
Marc:Accents get influenced by others, and with some people talking to more people in a completely different part of the earth, how can it not eventually all meld together, save for a few isolated tribes?
Marc:And if that is an inevitability, what would it sound like?
Marc:I have no fucking idea, but I appreciate the guy's highness.
Marc:Don't you?
Marc:I do too, yes.
Marc:What do you think it would sound like?
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Marc:Let me try and recapture that here.
Marc:It sounded a little like this.
Marc:Now, in your mind, what is that an amalgamation of?
Marc:That sounds like a white person trying to be kind of black yet nasal.
Guest:It sounded a little like this.
Marc:Mickey Mouse trying to be kind of black, yet nasal.
Marc:Sure, that makes perfect sense.
Marc:That would be all the accents.
Marc:Mickey Mouse, nasal, and black.
Marc:Thank you for contributing to that.
Marc:Let me see what else is going on.
Marc:Okay, one other one.
Marc:I think you'll like this one.
Marc:Maybe I'll read more.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I've noticed that on a couple podcasts lately, you've been bringing up visual fine arts and the relationship to comedy.
Marc:As an artist, I try to integrate comedy into my practice.
Marc:Because you seem like a pretty donut-obsessed guy,
Marc:I attached a photo of a recent sculpture I made.
Marc:It's a disco ball made out of real donuts coated in plastic to keep the whole thing from going to shit.
Marc:I think the use of word shit here is relative.
Marc:That whether or not it's already shit is unclear.
Marc:But there's a picture of his donut disco ball.
Marc:And I just wanted to show... No, I don't mean to condescend to him.
Marc:I just... I'm sorry I don't have a screen here, but... It looks like a disco ball made out of donuts.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, you know, it's like I worry about one joke, but could you imagine committing six months of your creative life to making a disco ball out of donuts and then being concerned as to whether or not it will last...
Marc:Like, I don't want this thing to not last because it's important.
Marc:Have you ever done any of the art?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I'm an avid doodler, as I'm sure you know.
Marc:Yeah, because I've seen your doodles.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:Do you want to doodle a little now?
Guest:You don't have to.
Guest:I'm taking a doodle in my pants right now.
Guest:But see...
Guest:i come on tv sets you doodle in your pants you you know i actually when i was in in fourth grade yeah when it's when when it's still when like not shitting in your pants is still a point like a point of pride yeah i because now i would just shit in your pants and be like hey i just shit my pants it'd be funny
Guest:I mean, out of the ordinary, but funny.
Marc:It'd be funny in a sad way.
Guest:Funny in a sad way, but I would have no shame in just being like, I gotta tell you, I just shit in my pants.
Marc:Yeah, like coming on a television set.
Guest:But in fourth grade, it's like, it's not that long ago that I really was shitting in my pants, and so at that point, it's like, I would never shit in my pants.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I shit in my pants in fourth grade.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:At summer camp.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:And hid my duty pants in the woods.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:My bunkmates who were out somewhere doing something came into my bunk holding my duty pants.
Guest:Busted.
Guest:Said, are these your duty pants?
Guest:I said, absolutely not.
Guest:I have no idea what you're talking about.
Guest:And they said, then why is your name tag so into that?
Guest:An animal must have got those.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:And shit in them.
Guest:An animal came into my bunk, stole my underwear.
Guest:Put them on.
Guest:Shit in them.
Marc:Put them on, shit in them, and hid them in the woods.
Marc:That's what I would have said.
Marc:Does everybody have a bad shit story about going to camp?
Marc:No?
Marc:I have one, but I think we've talked enough about shit.
Marc:And I don't want to share mine.
Marc:It's just too fucking personal.
Marc:Coming on TV is like, that is heaven compared to a camp shit story.
Guest:So do you want to talk about it?
Guest:I'll talk about whatever you want to talk about, Mark.
Guest:It's your show, and I'm just happy to be here.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:All right.
Marc:So do you still get along with the other steak guys?
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:Every one of them?
Marc:Every one of them.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Even Michael?
Marc:Michael Black?
Marc:Yes, Michael Black.
Marc:Michael Black and I are... Well, now easy, fella.
Marc:He doesn't suck.
Marc:You just don't understand his wry, detached sarcasm.
Guest:Is this like the What the Fuck Nation?
Marc:Yeah, of course it is.
Guest:And Michael Black is like public enemy number one.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:Mike and I buried the hatchet.
Marc:I wanted to make sure you all get along and every one of you fucking state guys that I've talked to has refused to talk any shit about the other ones.
Okay.
Marc:Is that a secret brotherhood?
Marc:Did you guys make a pact?
Guest:No, it's just like, you know... We're older now?
Guest:Well, I mean, you know, did we argue?
Guest:Sure.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Was there ever a moment where Michael Showalter went, fuck you, I'm leaving the state?
Guest:Uh... No.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I mean, you know, I did.
Guest:We all went to NYU.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I left NYU after my freshman year to go to an Ivy League university.
Marc:Holy shit, man.
Marc:I couldn't fucking get into Ivy League.
Guest:That did not go over well with the other guys.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Because you're now smarty pants?
Guest:I guess.
Guest:I did get good SAT scores.
Guest:And...
Guest:So it took them a while for them to accept me back into the fold.
Marc:All right.
Marc:But you guys are all okay together.
Guest:I think so.
Guest:I mean, you know, we're kind of like a dysfunctional family.
Marc:Can I just tell a quick story?
Marc:Because I feel like you need one.
Guest:Only if it's about me.
Marc:No, it was about me applying to an Ivy League graduate school.
Marc:I wanted to go to Yale acting school, okay?
Marc:And I decided that I was the fucking shit, and I could just go to Yale acting school, not knowing that it's the most competitive acting school in the world.
Marc:And they asked for, like... They asked for, like, a photograph, and not knowing that what they meant was a professionally taken headshot... To my application for Yale acting school, I went into a photo booth...
Marc:And I did like a series of faces like... to express my different emotions and I taped that to a piece of paper.
Marc:And for my audition, I did a Sam Shepard monologue where I jerked off my belt during the acting part of it.
Marc:Like I sat there playing with my belt as if it were my cock.
Marc:Needless to say... Wait a second, wait a second.
Guest:Was the belt meant to be your cock?
Marc:I was trying to do something sort of multi-tiered level, you know, like, sort of like, hey, is he really playing with his dick with his belt?
Marc:And I thought I was getting away with something, whereas they were just looking at my photo booth resume saying, I guess we just have to sit through this.
Marc:Let's just sit through this.
Guest:Is the What the Fuck Nation going to have a backlash against Me Too?
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:No.
Marc:These are good people, and, you know, I know you got some news today, and we're all, you know, I didn't bring it up, but, you know, it was interesting, though.
Marc:Can I bring it up?
Guest:You can do whatever you want.
Guest:I said I'm on your show.
Guest:You can talk about whatever you want.
Guest:I'm not afraid.
Marc:No, he's okay.
Marc:He's okay.
Marc:We have projects sometimes, and they don't go through.
Marc:But the funny thing was is that he called me and said, I'm a little fucked up.
Marc:I don't know if I can do the show.
Marc:And I'm like, what happened?
Marc:He's like, I got some news.
Marc:I'm like, oh, shit.
Marc:Someone's dead.
Marc:Right?
Marc:So I'm like, okay, all right, pal, I understand.
Marc:Don't worry about it.
Marc:But decide what you want to do because he's like, I don't want to leave you hanging.
Marc:Well, just decide and call me back.
Marc:And then he calls me back and he says, yeah, I don't think I can do it.
Marc:I'm pretty fucked up about this.
Marc:And then I reached out personally, right?
Guest:Yes, you did, Mark.
Marc:And I said, is there anything I can do, man?
Marc:And he goes, no, I just, I got news about a pilot today.
Marc:And I'm like, what?
Marc:You're like, well, I worked hard on this pilot.
Guest:You're like, you did shit.
Guest:I thought someone died.
Yeah.
Guest:And then I think you said, we should start a store together or something.
Guest:And I think you were kidding, but I was like, yeah, fuck it, let's do it.
Guest:What do you want to sell?
Marc:And I said, let's talk about it, man.
Marc:So I got a lot of people that would help me bake, so let's look into that.
Marc:But that's Michael Showalter, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you guys.
Marc:Now, if I get up and walk away, you understand it.
Marc:Yeah, no, no.
Marc:If you want to go, you can go.
Marc:I'll hang out for a second.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, this next guest I met in Ireland.
Marc:She's one of the funniest women I have ever seen in my life.
Marc:And she's very pleasant.
Marc:And I'm very thrilled that she's here.
Marc:She just flew in from London.
Marc:Maeve Higgins, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:So Maeve Higgins, first of all, apology.
Marc:I have to apologize.
Marc:I think many of you listened to the Irish episode that I did with Maeve, and many of you heard me mention the UK as if Ireland was in the UK.
Marc:Now, I did get several dozens of emails saying, you fucking idiot.
Marc:Ireland is not in the UK, and you couldn't have said a worse thing.
Marc:Yet, Maeve, you just sat there and sort of rerouted the conversation without saying, you fucking idiot, it's not in the UK.
Marc:And I appreciate you doing that.
Marc:I apologize for making that mistake.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:It's not that big a thing because we're still in the British Isles.
Guest:It was a big thing.
Guest:It sort of is still a big thing.
Guest:But I wouldn't expect a visitor to know their history.
Guest:I know, but it's a basic thing.
Marc:You guys fought for... The Republic of Ireland.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Someone could have shot me for that.
Marc:Right?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:No?
Marc:No.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Guest:That's quite a dangerous thing to say.
Marc:Well, no, but I have said a lot of Irish people.
Guest:Well, if you did, I guess they're probably overreacting.
Guest:I mean, the thing is, I probably did correct you in a roundabout way, but then today my taxi driver from the airport said, like, you British, oh, you British girls are beautiful.
Guest:I was like, yeah.
Guest:And he was Egyptian.
Guest:Or whatever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So it's fine.
Guest:I don't really like when people in Ireland overreact because we're such a tiny country.
Guest:It's kind of self-important to be like, I beg your pardon.
Guest:Plus, Britain is our biggest trading partner and everything.
Guest:So if you want to sell butter, you should keep your options open.
Marc:I just thought you said that Britain is our biggest trailer park.
Marc:I thought that's what you said, but you said trading partner.
Guest:Sorry.
Marc:How is it?
Marc:So you literally just got here?
Guest:Yeah, I got here this afternoon.
Guest:New York City.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, New York is in.
Guest:And I was just in London.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I thought about this because it's a podcast, so I thought I was going to do a soundscape of the city.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Because it's our own.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:So here's London.
Guest:Get ready to go to London.
Marc:Okay, now close your eyes.
Guest:Close your eyes.
Guest:Beep, beep.
Guest:Dong, dong, dong.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:What's that?
Guest:That's the best fucking clock in the world.
Guest:Big Ben.
Guest:That's Big Ben.
Guest:Can I?
Guest:Hello, can I have a pie?
Guest:No problem, governor.
Guest:Beep, beep, beep.
Guest:Neenah, neenah, neenah.
Guest:Watch out for Jack the Ripper.
Guest:And then my friend Josie Long and Claudio Daugherty helped me with that one.
Guest:Okay, that's good.
Guest:And who wants to visit New York?
Guest:Yay!
Guest:Well then, pack your bags.
Guest:Here we go.
Guest:I'm trying to walk along here.
Guest:Give me a bagel now.
Guest:Wake up.
Guest:Eyes open.
Guest:You're here.
Guest:Oh, that was great.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That was like a real journey.
Guest:I'm like a sound artist.
Marc:Yeah, it was really uncanny.
Marc:Like I felt like I was in Britain again and I could smell the pie.
Guest:Is this your first time in America?
Guest:No, I've been here a few times.
Marc:How's that for you?
Guest:Good.
Guest:I like it.
Guest:I mean, yeah, I really like it.
Guest:I read this book called Brooklyn.
Guest:I don't know if you've read that book at all.
Marc:It's a big book.
Marc:I have it.
Marc:I can't get through it.
Guest:And now I keep thinking, it's just like this really grim story of an Irish girl who comes over to America and does it.
Guest:And that's really bad in Ireland in the 50s.
Guest:So I keep thinking, that's going to be me.
Guest:But so far... Where are you working while you're here?
Guest:Oh, I'm not working.
Guest:I'm here on holiday.
Marc:You are?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Marc:You just came for fun?
Guest:Yeah, just for fun.
Guest:You're not going to work... No shows, officer.
No.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:Actually, it's true.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:I would love to be doing stuff, but I, you know.
Marc:You just can't, because you're here on vacation.
Marc:No.
Marc:I got it.
Guest:Oh, what a trip.
Guest:Oh, what a holiday.
Guest:And just dropping into your house to have tea, recording it.
Marc:Yeah, this is just my, yeah, it was perfect.
Marc:You came to pick up some candy popcorn.
Marc:I did.
Marc:Maeve Higgins, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Alright, let's move it down.
Marc:I think now let's bring out... We should bring out... He was just here.
Marc:And I think you... You think you ran him off.
Marc:by shouting, boo, Michael Ian Black.
Marc:Let's bring Glenn out, because Glenn's odd, and he has international stories.
Marc:And he's a very funny man, and the American audiences don't really know him that well, and they should.
Marc:Please welcome Glenn Wool to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Glenn Wool.
Marc:The last time I saw Glenn Wool, he invited me to his house in London.
Marc:I got to his house.
Marc:We took a long bus ride to go to a restaurant.
Marc:Then he got a call, and it was basically somebody saying, you're supposed to be playing an outdoor concert two hours away in half an hour.
Marc:So then I got to watch Glenn go, I've got to get a car.
Guest:I've been considering taking up smoking pot.
Guest:Well, because of it.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Well, just so I could have that sort of excuse.
Guest:Really, I'm just an idiot and can't remember to write down work.
Marc:in my diary I don't know what I thought like oh well that that would be good that would be money and I will go and do my job and write it down no the best part of it though was you had like an hour and a half to get like way out into the country and you don't have a car but somehow in that moment you had decided that you were going to make it that was beautiful and you started calling people like as if they were just going to give you their car you're like I need a car
Marc:and no one gave you their car.
Guest:The car that I procured was broken, and I could have had the car, but it didn't work.
Guest:So don't misjudge my car getting powers.
Guest:And that was the thing, too.
Guest:It was for Saunosphere, this big rock and roll festival, and I actually made it to the train station, and I was going to make it to the gig 15 minutes late, and they're like, well, no, you're like, just don't come.
Guest:It's not rock and roll.
Guest:You're supposed to show up stumbling and going, I made it.
Guest:Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying.
Guest:She could have faked an overdose or something.
Guest:Had me with open arms.
Marc:What happened to your car in Los Angeles?
Marc:Didn't you buy a car there?
Guest:Yeah, man.
Guest:Yeah, that was a mistake.
Marc:Weren't you there for like a month?
Marc:Then you're like, fuck it, I got to buy a car.
Marc:And what happened?
Marc:Where's that car?
Guest:That's in the long stay at LAX, my friend.
Guest:I could have, for the amount I have used that car, I could have been driving around in a gold-plated Hummer that I'd rented.
Guest:I could have got to that music festival in a jet.
Marc:For the amount I've used that car.
Marc:It's just sitting there in the long-stay parking?
Guest:But I come back and visit it like a child that I don't get along with the mother of.
Guest:There you are.
Guest:Let's go fishing and pretend nothing's ever happened.
Marc:I see you, like, I primarily run into you at international festivals or internationally.
Marc:I don't understand how you guys do that, you guys being international acts.
Marc:I performed in Beijing.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That was, like, what was that?
Marc:What did you say?
Marc:Niama?
Marc:Niama.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:See, I don't know anything about that.
Marc:It was, like, going to China, for me, was like going to Mars.
Marc:And I don't mean that in a racial way.
Marc:It's just that...
Guest:Yeah, you've been misinformed about Mars.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You've got to stay off the Internet, my man.
Marc:No, there's nothing to accommodate American entitlement in China.
Marc:No.
Marc:You go there, there's no signs in English, there's no instructions in English, no one speaks English.
Marc:The only thing that you recognize, well, I recognize the KFC logo.
No.
Marc:And a couple of things.
Marc:The Chinese have more types of bicycleized transportation than I've ever seen anywhere.
Marc:It literally looks like some sort of silly movie.
Marc:Like there are Chinese riding bikes with entire homes on them.
Marc:As if it's a parade of silly bikes with an outhouse maybe.
Marc:There are people getting haircuts on the street.
Marc:And they're...
Marc:Literally, I saw it many times on the street, just a guy sitting there, another guy cutting his fucking hair on the street.
Marc:There are bizarres and markets in China where you're not clear what they're selling the kittens for.
Marc:This is not racially charged material.
Guest:China's not a race.
Marc:This was my experience there.
Guest:China's not a race.
Guest:It's a culture.
Guest:It's a country.
Guest:There's only three races.
Guest:What?
Guest:It's mongoloid, trapezoid, and Greek people.
Marc:Mongoloid, trapezoid, and Greek people?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He is a scientist.
Marc:Oh, I am.
Marc:You're telling me to get off the internet?
Marc:That sounds like exactly internet information.
Marc:And if you're high enough, you're going, this makes sense, man.
Marc:Trapezoidians are here.
Guest:You wait till my emails start coming in.
Guest:Finally, someone's speaking for us.
Guest:trapezoid in front of his computer going, see, I am a thing.
Guest:I guess there are no races.
Guest:Okay, you're right.
Guest:We're all just people, and I've just got to accept that.
Guest:No, but what you were talking about wasn't racially based.
Guest:It was about a country.
Guest:They could have been any race, and you could have been saying those things.
Marc:But I did not mean... Okay, I understand.
Guest:I'm agreeing with you, and you're arguing with me, so it means that in your heart, you truly felt you were being racist.
No.
Marc:I always do feel that way sometimes.
Marc:Always do feel that way sometimes.
Marc:How many people you know that can actually start to backpedal out of something they said while they're still saying the thing?
Marc:I always do sometimes.
Marc:Not at all.
Marc:Never.
Guest:How dare you accuse me of that?
Marc:Yes, that is ridiculous.
Marc:You must be Chinese.
Guest:I've counted my cats, now go.
Marc:Well, no, I had a guy email something.
Marc:This guy's all pissed off.
Marc:Oh, here it is.
Marc:I just found out that for 2010, the Department of Defense is budgeted for $651.2 billion and NASA a lowly $18.724 billion.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Do we really need that ginormous of a military?
Marc:What the fuck is this for?
Marc:If we even took a fraction of our military budget and put it into the space program, we could have been high-fiving aliens and shit by now.
Guest:Or having to spend more money fighting them off.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Glenn Wohl, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:My next guest is a dear old friend of mine.
Marc:We've had our ups and downs, but I love him a lot.
Marc:I used to live with him.
Marc:I'm going to try not to bring up anything that rubs him the wrong way tonight because I want him to know how much I appreciate his comedy and how important he is to all of us.
Marc:David Cross, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you, Mark.
Guest:You know, I remember one time, seriously, Mark and I were roommates, and this was not when we were roommates, but I was visiting you in San Francisco, and you had just masturbated onto your TV.
Guest:But I remember not appreciating standing in front of the TV while you were telling me.
Guest:Like, I love to, it's great to have it in your head, like, wow, and then you start thinking, wow, what was his room like?
Guest:Were there bay windows?
Guest:Was it a railway apartment?
Guest:What was it?
Guest:But I was there, like, oh, you mean that TV.
Guest:But as always, I appreciate it.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I went...
Guest:I remembered it when Michael was bringing it up.
Guest:I was like, oh my god, it was in San Francisco.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's like a very sexually free city.
Marc:San Francisco encouraged you to take sexual risks, and I wasn't quite ready for the one that it demanded of me, so I jerked off on my television.
Okay.
Marc:It seemed easier and less dangerous than ass sex.
Guest:It had nothing to do with the sexual nature of it.
Guest:I mean, it was very... And also, that was very you.
Guest:I mean, it still is you.
Guest:But you come in like, oh man, dude, I haven't seen you in so long.
Guest:I'm up here.
Guest:How's it going up here?
Guest:And then you're kind of miserable like I just jerked off on the team.
Guest:And you're telling me about that.
Guest:Not in a bad way, but in a lesson learned.
Marc:There's a couple Dave and I go way back We used to live together in a house And I don't think I've talked about this Because I really didn't Did we talk about it the last time we were on?
Marc:I don't remember it But I'm not going to do the thing I always do on the radio What?
Guest:Remember the last time we did a show together and I was like, God, do you remember back when we started and you couldn't get laughs?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, and then I'd go like, and then I'd say like, and I'd done this twice not realizing I'm fucking up.
Guest:I'm going, who would have thought you'd be successful?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You have said that to me a couple times.
Guest:And then you look at me and you go, I did.
Guest:But it was also very honest, and I know that plenty of people thought that.
Guest:It wasn't just you, but not that they thought you'll never be successful, but it just, I wasn't the guy you would think of.
Guest:This is going way back, you know, where you go...
Guest:Oh, yeah, well, that's the guys.
Guest:That guy's going to do it.
Marc:You guys can't even imagine what it was like to watch Dave at that time.
Marc:It was spectacular because we'd do these shows that were regional shows in New England.
Marc:We would drive, like, 75, 100 miles to the middle of New England, like Lemonster.
Marc:And there'd be a gig at a place that was tiered and had a disco ball in it.
Marc:And Dave...
Marc:Dave was doing these very sort of specific character pieces, and literally these audience just had no fucking idea what to make of him.
Marc:Like, they would stand, they would just be like, I don't know what is happening.
Marc:What is happening?
Marc:Because you remember you used to open with that gay character, and you would not let up?
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:The gay first-timer.
Guest:Right.
Guest:He would go up like he was gay, and it was his first time on stage.
Guest:Do it!
Do it!
Oh, God.
Guest:I can't, I don't remember the completeness of it.
Guest:I'll refresh you.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Okay, the character's name was Daniel James Napoleon III.
Marc:And you'd have to bring him up like that.
Marc:You'd have to go, please welcome Daniel James Napoleon III.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:And you go, hi, y'all.
Guest:Okay, and I adjust the mic.
Guest:But I also would have myself introduced as it was my first time, so let's make them feel comfortable, that kind of thing.
Guest:So I have... I think I find that pets are just...
Guest:Weird and crazy.
Guest:And I have two adorable Pekingese.
Guest:One's named Sprinkles and one is Pepper.
Guest:And then I would just go into this long-winded funny thing about whatever they did and the punchline was...
Guest:I can't remember what it was, but it went on for like two and a half, three minutes, and the punchline was not funny.
Guest:And it was supposed to be funny.
Guest:I mean, you could tell that, oh, that's where the punchline is, but the punchline just wasn't funny.
Guest:And then I would get nervous, and then I would get upset at the audience for not liking... No, there was this beat where you'd go, are you all laughing...
Guest:at me laughing at me or with me and then people would yell yeah dude we're fucking laughing at you yeah yeah dude at you you fucking faggot well I just alright can I tell the bean story
Guest:bean story.
Marc:Don't you remember, man?
Marc:I like to cook.
Marc:And Dave decided he was going to cook some beans.
Marc:And he got, you know those packets of all the different beans?
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:I wasn't merely cooking beans.
Guest:I wasn't like I got a bunch of pinto beans and threw them in a thing and go, here you go.
Guest:I was making a recipe that I thought, well, I was making a thing that consisted of a lot of beans.
Marc:Well, all I know...
Marc:All I know is I got over to his house.
Marc:That was when you were living over in Somerville or Cambridge or somewhere.
Marc:I don't remember.
Marc:It was a nice house.
Marc:And on the stove was this large kettle of lava.
Marc:It was just like this bubbling... It looked like lava.
Marc:And I'm like, what the fuck is that?
Marc:And he's like, I'm just cooking beans.
Marc:I'm like, that's not beans.
Marc:What is that?
Marc:And he had taken like nine or ten of those packages of different kinds of beans and put them in one pot with about an inch of water...
Guest:and he just cooked them he didn't rinse them he didn't soak them or anything and it was just this thing of love and I'm like that's fucked up you can't eat that I added you know garlic powder and pepper and salt and hot sauce and I was like here's the thing I was fucking dirt poor right I didn't have a lot of money beans are cheap hence the you know Mexican population and then fucking there are no races David
Guest:That has nothing to do with saying that the white race is superior to the... Zero.
Guest:They're two separate things.
Guest:Anyway, so I had... So I...
Guest:Yeah, I was making food for a month, and it was cheap, and I thought it would be good.
Guest:You put some shit in it.
Guest:You get those adobe spices where you get half a gallon for 60 cents, and you dump it in there.
Marc:But you made bean concentrate.
Guest:Yeah, no, it was not good.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:We all get it.
Guest:Look, not every dish you make when you're fucking 22 or whatever I was, 24, is tasty.
Marc:You should have thrown it away.
Guest:Did you throw it away?
Guest:I should have thrown it away, yes.
Marc:Did you eat it?
Guest:Yes, I ate it.
Guest:Over and over again.
Guest:Did it cause you gas?
Guest:It gave me horrible... It was a bad... Yes, it was a bad experience.
Guest:And I've not made the dish since.
Guest:And...
Marc:so now let's can we can I bond with you as a man how old is your girlfriend 27 and a half
Marc:I'm dating a 27-year-old, too.
Marc:Mine's driving me crazy.
Guest:Mine is not.
Guest:We are... We're sad men.
Guest:No.
Guest:I'm very happy.
Marc:You are?
Guest:No, I said mine is not driving me crazy.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:I was just projecting.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I mean, I think the key to having...
Guest:a woman not drive you crazy is for you to be kind of rational and centered and not overly emotional and self-centered I understood none of that like I heard it but it seemed like you were talking about like you should cure cancer well look I'll write this down for you well like I'm thinking about like do you ever think about kids
Guest:in a sexual way?
Guest:Of course.
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Guest:No, I mean, yes, I do.
Marc:Now, but when you think about it, like, here's what I realized, and I don't know if I've brought this up on the podcast before, though.
Marc:Like, I realize I'm at this age where, like, I've had two marriages that didn't work, you know, because of whatever happened.
Marc:And... No, I'm not bitter...
Marc:And by like, I'm starting to realize now that I'm probably not going to have kids and I'm not necessarily adverse to it, but I don't see myself like having conversations around like, are we going to have kids?
Marc:Are we not going to have kids?
Marc:But I can see myself having the conversation that starts with like, well, what do you want to do with it?
Marc:You know that?
Yeah.
Marc:And then saying, like, I guess I'm old enough to handle it if you want to go ahead and go through with it.
Marc:Like, that's how it's going to happen for me.
Guest:Well, that conversation probably has less of a chance happening with a younger woman than an older woman.
Guest:In other words, because a younger woman might be quicker to go, I've got all the time in the world.
Marc:Why would I want to bring this into the world?
Marc:What?
Marc:What?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:She is, like, I think that she has missed 20 years of my career.
Marc:And it's, like, quoting material that I did, like, a long time ago.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:That's one of my favorite Marc Maron lines ever.
Marc:Mine, too.
Marc:Do it?
Yeah.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:She's demanding.
Marc:But they did it.
Guest:I had to do it.
Guest:And you sat here and, you know, encouraged that.
Guest:It's a really funny.
Guest:I'm trying to think.
Guest:Very succinct.
Marc:I'm trying to remember how it starts.
Marc:Oh, like I'm getting out to that.
Marc:Oh, yeah, I remember.
Marc:I'm at that age now where I realize that teenage girls don't even acknowledge me as a sexual being anymore.
Marc:No, I'm not saying I want to fuck teenage girls.
Marc:I'm just saying, hey, throw me a bone.
Marc:Cute t-shirt.
Marc:Look at me.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:Unless it's to turn to their friends and say, hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?
Marc:What's he doing at the mall?
Marc:Quick, get to the food court.
Marc:The guard's there.
Marc:Run, you guys.
Marc:And then I say, oh, I'm lying, and that's crass.
Marc:Of course I want to fuck teenage girls.
Marc:I mean, doesn't everyone?
Marc:That's why there's a law.
Marc:That's a classic.
Marc:Are you doing some other new show?
Marc:Some big fancy show?
Marc:With Will Arnett?
Marc:Is that happening?
Marc:People love you, you know?
Marc:I wish the girl that I'm dating would shut up about you.
Guest:Stick your cock in her mouth.
Guest:you see ladies and gentlemen that only works for so long and then it's like david cross is really funny david cross is the funniest guy i've ever seen in my life that is terrible you know what's funny is this the show after this show is titled is labeled the dirty show
Marc:I'm born again filthy.
Marc:It's just happened.
Marc:I've made a decision that I'm going to do that.
Marc:That I'm not going to hide anymore.
Marc:There was a period in time where I was very filthy on stage, but in a thoughtful way.
Marc:And I think it's time for that again.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, it's all what you're processing at the moment, which is, you know, everyone, every audience will go with that.
Marc:I'm at this weird age where I have not dated a woman in a long time that has said, you know, I want to fuck in a restaurant.
Marc:And I'm like, I don't even know what that means.
Marc:I don't even know.
Marc:I got exhausted thinking about what the options were.
Marc:You know what I'm talking about?
Guest:I'm relating.
Guest:I'm relating.
Guest:Like where it becomes, like when you're in your 20s and 30s, like, oh, that sounds fucking odd.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:And when it's like, oh, this is a reality.
Guest:I have to think of restaurants.
Guest:Let's see, with the diner on 2nd and 5th, I guess we could go there.
Guest:Baselka's open all night.
Guest:Woo!
Guest:No, it's not dark enough.
Guest:I'll be with you in a second, honey.
Guest:Let me Google search.
Guest:Find a single occupancy bathroom in restaurants.
Guest:Oh, we're old Jews.
Guest:David Cross, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Marc:This is good.
Marc:This will work.
Marc:Stay here.
Marc:My next guest is, I'm so glad she's here.
Marc:She used to be the head writer, I believe, of Ellen for a while.
Marc:And she was a comedian I came up with in San Francisco.
Marc:She's going to need to go down there, Glenn, because she's got a guitar.
Marc:And she's very funny.
Marc:Please welcome Karen Kilgareth to the stage.
Marc:Where's your guitar?
Guest:I'd just like to say that you did introduce Maeve as the funniest woman comedian that you know, so it's great to not only follow David Cross and your weird let's fuck 15-year-old girls bit, but then, like, be what, fifth?
Guest:Do I get a ranking of hilarity or...
Guest:Anything?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Karen, I have always had a great deal of respect.
Guest:No one wants respect, Mark.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:I don't respect you that much, but I think you're fucking hilarious.
Marc:What are you doing here?
Guest:What am I doing here?
Marc:In New York.
Guest:I'm working on the marriage ref.
Marc:Holy shit, that's going to be a lot of work.
Guest:I love work.
Guest:I have a challenge.
Guest:I love...
Guest:I'm a fixer.
Guest:I'm like Michael Clayton.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:They brought you in?
Guest:I'm totally going to be fired tomorrow.
Guest:They heard you on the internet.
Guest:Who do you think you are?
Marc:We'll tear the release of this podcast until they take that off the air.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:So tomorrow.
Guest:Right.
Marc:How long did you write for Ellen?
Guest:Five years.
Marc:And is she wonderful?
Marc:Alright, we'll move on.
Guest:What do you want me to say?
Marc:I didn't want it to be that tense.
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:It's weird to get introduced.
Guest:It's so funny to be on a panel like this.
Guest:to be last and then to be introduced as the head writer of Ellen I feel like I should come out with like like like a tight perm and you know really comfortable shoes and like everyone's like oh no we're gonna get lectured by her
Guest:It always feels like the energy in the room goes fucking to the floor of like, oh, the Ellen writer.
Guest:I know I'm projecting, but it's always what it feels like.
Guest:Everyone's like, he invented the word alternative.
Guest:He shoots people from the stage, and it's awesome.
Guest:She's the head writer of Ellen.
Marc:But you're a very funny comedian.
Guest:What, Dave?
Guest:Maybe if you took off your glasses and wore a little makeup, it wouldn't be the same thing.
Guest:Then I'd rank third funniest girl.
Guest:Yay!
Guest:Boo!
Guest:Yay!
Guest:Boo!
Guest:With that?
Marc:So you moved here for good then?
Marc:No, just till December.
Marc:And have you spent time in New York before?
Guest:It was, I think I was here for like a week or two, like to come out and do shows.
Guest:Right.
Guest:David did a show a while ago.
Guest:Wait, that was the only time you were here?
Guest:Like one, oh, well, aside from working on Ellen DeGeneres' show, doing the show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's not like visiting, you're like, you're in an office going busy, but no, like, yeah, to visit only a couple times.
Marc:And are you nervous about living here?
Marc:I mean, are you liking it?
Guest:Oh.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:It's awesome.
Guest:Karen, you're going to love it.
Guest:You're in here in the best time to be here, too.
Guest:It's fucking beautiful right now.
Guest:I mean, fall into winter before winter gets super shitty, which really does, I mean, less and less each year, you know.
Guest:Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Guest:Until we all die.
Guest:It's a bad thing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That there's not going to be any seasons?
Guest:I mean, it's shitty relative, but it's, it really, I mean, in the last couple years, like, oh, the first snow is usually around January 20th.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, up until then it rains.
Guest:It's, I mean, from New York to, it turned into London is weird.
Guest:Not as a cultural place.
Guest:David, what are you talking about?
Guest:I'm talking about global warming.
Guest:It's global warming.
Guest:Girl time right now.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I actually am.
Guest:And I realized that I thought I was just kind of being a snob or like, I'm only going to take cabs.
Guest:But I have this, the first thing that flashes through my head when I go to think to go underground is that there's going to be an earthquake and I'm going to get smashed between like two pieces of cement.
Marc:That's the first thing I think of.
Marc:Well, it's weird.
Guest:If I have water, trail mix, I'll go down there.
Guest:But I usually don't.
Marc:But in New York, that's about maybe the 12th thing you should be worrying about as far as shit that can happen in the subway that's really fucked up.
Guest:I know.
Marc:I mean, there's a whole other list of fears that we can make for you.
Marc:Because I'm sure people have fears.
Guest:I'm like, what do you mean rape?
Guest:I need fresh water.
Guest:That's what I care about.
Marc:Well, that's just weird when you live in the West Coast.
Marc:If I go to Santa Monica from where I live, I'm packing everything shy of a tent.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:It's like, fuck, I'm going to be gone for two hours.
Marc:I need lunch.
Marc:I'm going to need water.
Marc:Maybe I should bring my sleeping bag.
Marc:It seems nice enough to sleep outside.
Guest:Ankle knife.
Guest:You got to bring it all.
Guest:But also you don't go underground very much in California.
Guest:Like there's not basements.
Guest:It's a different thing.
Marc:But there are earthquakes.
Guest:There are plenty of earthquakes.
Guest:But we're all up above ground.
Marc:Yeah, I get it.
Marc:What do you mean plenty?
Marc:There are.
Marc:They're always happening.
Marc:David, you don't understand.
Marc:There's a lot of earthquakes.
Guest:You haven't lived there in years.
Guest:Well, not earthquakes that matter.
Marc:No, I know, but they still happen.
Marc:I always sweep through.
Guest:I have to tell you, though, you have to name your next comedy album Merely Making Beans.
Guest:That's the best phrase anyone's ever spoken out loud.
Guest:I wasn't Merely Making Beans.
Guest:Right?
Guest:No?
Marc:You want to sing songs now?
Marc:This is going to be good.
Good.
Marc:Oh, no, I won't overplay it.
Marc:What was the band you were in with Mary Lynn Wise Club?
Marc:The Girls Guitar Club.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:We'll watch you sing now.
Guest:From the head writer of Ellen, here's...
Guest:Ellen, she's a wonderful lady.
Guest:It's like four love songs to Ellen DeGeneres.
Guest:I love you so, miss you.
Guest:Let's see, this is actually a new song.
Guest:And I don't play the guitar very well, and I don't claim to be a musician.
Guest:And it's love being here with all of you.
Guest:If there's a moment of silence, look at your phone If you don't know what to say, you can look at your phone Don't go looking around, cause everyone's looking down Just look at your phone, look at your phone, look at your phone
Guest:What you gotta do when the grid goes down?
Guest:Do you have a plan for yourself when the grid goes down?
Guest:Will you be all alone just staring at that cold dead phone in an apartment in West Covina?
Guest:And that's all I have for that.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:And this one's about the marriage rough.
Guest:Aw, shit, that's my mom.
Guest:Uh, oh.
Guest:Hmm.
Guest:Jesus walks and he runs and he flies He can harness the wind He's in charge of who lives and dies He has open wounds and his heart's on fire He can see us right now He is watching us
Guest:Oh my god.
Guest:Oh my god.
Guest:Jesus lived and he had to die because of your sins, because of how much you lied.
Guest:He gives you now, but you'll see him soon.
Guest:And then when you do, he'll smash you.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:Jesus, this matches.
Guest:Karen Gilgara, David Cross, Maeve Higgins, Glenn Wool, Michael Showalter.
Guest:Thank you all for coming to live What the Fuck at Comics Comedy Club in New York.
Guest:You're a great audience.
Guest:I appreciate your support.
Guest:I love that you're all here.
Guest:Go to WTFPod.com for all your other needs.
Guest:Good night.
you