Episode 109 - Bob Saget
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Marc Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fuck nicks?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:I am exhausted.
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:And God, I appreciate you guys listening to me.
Marc:Man, we did the two shows.
Marc:By the way, I'm sitting here in my hotel room.
Marc:in new york city and i am fucking exhausted i mean i you guys know i've been traveling so fucking much and i've been doing so many shows and when i've got down time i'm looking for guests i'm looking to talk to people i'm interviewing my my friends and people i want to talk to and and i'm doing stand-up shows and i'm running around the world i am fucking exhausted
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:It feels great.
Marc:I'm one of those people that sometimes I just have to wear myself down to a frazzle to get any sort of peace at all.
Marc:I don't know what that is, but the way I operate, and many of you know this, as I'm saying this right now, I don't have anything prepared.
Marc:I haven't made an outline.
Marc:I don't write anything down.
Marc:I'm not necessarily proud of that.
Marc:There are so many people in the creative arts or whatever you guys do, there are so many people that are organized, that outline, that make lists, that set goals for themselves, that parcel out their work and their duties and their tasks in time parcels that allows them to manage their time properly.
Marc:Whereas I literally, I get into some sort of
Marc:mental and emotional car that is on a roller coaster track that and then i just you know i tell my higher self to to go ahead and and pull the lever and let's see what happens and i'll just open my mouth and wait to see what comes out or make see if i can get through this without falling out of the car and hope to god that the fucking track is complete
Marc:That somewhere at the end that I hit that straight away where it's like, all right, we're coming back around.
Marc:There's the guy that pulled the lever.
Marc:Oh man, I'm a little nauseous.
Marc:I'm sweaty.
Marc:I need to get out.
Marc:Oh, there's a big line there.
Marc:But I kind of want to go on the ride again.
Marc:Okay, I'm going to get on the line now.
Marc:Give me time to regroup.
Marc:You know what, fuck it.
Marc:I'm not gonna get on the line.
Marc:I gotta get out of the park for a minute.
Marc:I gotta get out of the park.
Marc:I gotta breathe.
Marc:That's where I am.
Marc:And also, I'm sort of like, you know, leading into the fact that that Brendan and I are going to take a little break, not a long break.
Marc:We're doing one episode, the one you're about to hear this week, taking Thursday off.
Marc:And then we're doing an episode on Monday.
Marc:And then we're going to take the next Thursday off.
Marc:So that's all we're doing.
Marc:For the next two weeks, it's just going to be one episode a week.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:There's nothing to be scared of.
Marc:We're coming back.
Marc:I just need to regenerate.
Marc:Brendan needs to spend some time with his wife.
Marc:Take a little vacation.
Marc:I, of course, don't know how to take a vacation.
Marc:So I will be home festering.
Marc:which is a vacation.
Marc:But here's what I've done for you and for me, it turns out.
Marc:I've interviewed Ira Glass from This American Life, which was a real pleasure and a privilege.
Marc:That's something to look forward to.
Marc:We have Sarah Silverman to look forward to.
Marc:I went to her home and talked to her for a while.
Marc:I'm going to see Jonathan Ames tomorrow, the writer and creator of Bored to Death and also a very unique and filthy inspired intellectual who I'm looking forward to talking to tomorrow.
Marc:Some of you may know him.
Marc:Also, I'm thrilled to say that Louis C.K.
Marc:and myself had a very moving and lengthy conversation about a lot of things that should be coming up.
Marc:You have that to look forward to.
Marc:And if you're interested, the new T-shirts are here, and they seem to be very popular.
Marc:I brought them to the live show, and people like them.
Marc:It seems like a shirt that is much cooler than the other one, I think.
Marc:I'm very happy that my friend Dima created such a memorable bit of artwork.
Marc:Listen to me.
Marc:I'm full of gratitude.
Marc:Can you handle it?
Marc:Can you handle it?
Marc:Now getting back to the business at hand, Bob Saget is here.
Marc:And I don't know Saget that well, but I do know him to be a guy that just never stops coming with jokes.
Marc:And that's certainly good.
Marc:But let's see if we can get somewhere else with Bob and see who he is.
Marc:I'm interested.
Marc:I know a lot of you people know him because he's been around a long time and some of you may have grown up with him somehow.
Marc:So let's take a listen to Bob Saget.
Marc:I can relax.
Marc:I can.
Marc:My guest in the garage here at the Cat Ranch is Bob Saget, and we're going to talk until we start sweating too much.
Marc:I want to talk to you until Turkey Burger comes out of you.
Marc:Yeah, well, there's one right here.
Marc:I didn't know when you were coming, so I went ahead and made a line.
Guest:It's nice the way you made it.
Guest:It sounded like a pita.
Guest:That's what I like about broadcasting is they really don't know how good or bad that is.
Marc:This is excellent.
Guest:Yeah, you like it.
Marc:I make my own food, Bob.
Marc:Do you have someone who makes your food for you?
Guest:No, I have stopped eating.
Guest:I'm on liquid and methamphetamine.
Guest:Finally?
Marc:Oh, good, good.
Marc:A lot of people are doing the crank now.
Marc:Yeah, the methamphetamine is very popular.
Guest:Most of my blood has been changed.
Guest:That's terrific.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you look great.
Guest:What else is going on?
Guest:Well, it's all rosacea.
Guest:Oh, so this is all an illusion.
Guest:Everything.
Guest:Yeah, you're about to melt.
Guest:I have one of Ruth Buzzy's old wigs on.
Marc:You know, I didn't want to say anything because I just thought, like, he's a celebrity.
Marc:You know, after a certain age, what's going to happen?
Marc:Who are they going to pretend to be?
Guest:When I go to Home Depot, all I buy is duct tape just to keep myself together.
Marc:Or to keep the people at the counter guessing.
Guest:They don't know why.
Guest:And they're sagging again.
Guest:What's he doing in here in Home Depot?
Guest:I went to Home Depot and bought a door once and built a doggy door.
Guest:Really?
Guest:On your own?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:It took me a year.
Guest:I'm not kidding.
Guest:I kept using the jigsaw to keep the door smaller and smaller to finally fit the door frame.
Guest:And then it did.
Guest:And then I wanted to put it into this new thing that I had bought, a doggy door, which was $80 that I saw online.
Guest:And my dog, who's no longer with us, I think he died as a result of this experiment.
Guest:It was a magnetic collar that would unlock the door so that a coyote couldn't get in from one side was my thought.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:But it would unlock it so he could go out.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then the collar would let him come back in, but not a coyote unless it had him in its mouth.
Guest:And then he wouldn't go out of this door.
Guest:So I spent a year with five coats of primer and five coats of paint and all kinds of stuff so he wouldn't hurt himself.
Guest:My King Charles Spaniel getting through the doorframe and then hooked it all up.
Guest:And then he put his head up against it and turned away from it and never went back to it.
Guest:That was it.
Guest:Well, so then I had to replace the new doggy door, which was all mechanical, with just a rubber one, like a flap that was there before, which you could use.
Guest:Old school.
Guest:Old school, just where the luggage comes out.
Guest:And then it rained and the door disintegrated.
Guest:Completely disintegrated.
Guest:It was particle board.
Guest:I didn't know that because it was Home Depot.
Guest:It seemed heavy enough.
Guest:The entire door fell apart like wet cardboard.
Guest:It was like a refrigerator box that you used as a Ford that just fell apart.
Guest:And my dog looked at me like, you idiot.
Guest:I could have told you how stupid you were.
Guest:And then he died.
Guest:That was it?
Guest:Soon after.
Guest:Right after he said that to you?
Guest:He got prostate cancer.
Guest:No, he did not.
Guest:Yes, he did.
Guest:And my dad had nose cancer, and we kept thinking something happened.
Yeah.
Guest:I'm not kidding.
Guest:That was the joke around the house.
Guest:My dad didn't die from it, even though his nose was... My dad's nose was so big, it was actually a donor for other people's noses.
Marc:What kind of nose cancer?
Marc:I had that.
Guest:Basil cell?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You make me want to do a spice rack joke.
Marc:Like a sun cancer?
Guest:Like you had to go get...
Guest:No, it was just some of the... His nose literally had, I think, one of his siblings coming out of it.
Guest:It was gigantic.
Guest:My nose is big.
Marc:The lost saget?
Guest:He had a congenital twin that didn't really appear until he was in his 60s?
Guest:It was the size of the noses on Mount Rushmore.
Guest:That's how big it was.
Marc:You would pray that a sphinx would happen to him and it would just be knocked off.
Marc:Now, you've been around, like, you know, it's weird.
Marc:I keep thinking about it.
Marc:I doubt you'll remember.
Marc:I bought that air conditioner at Home Depot and it's not working.
Marc:It doesn't work well.
Marc:I thought you were going to tell me you bought it when we toured together.
Marc:No.
Guest:We never toured together.
Guest:No, but we were in places at the same time.
Marc:You're a little older than me.
Guest:Not much.
Guest:Yes, I am.
Guest:I'm 54.
Guest:I'm older than you.
Marc:I'm 46.
Marc:So you came up with who?
Marc:You came up with Reiser and Seinfeld and those guys?
Guest:Yeah, the first comedian that Paul Reiser claims he saw do well before anyone was, not before anyone, opening for someone, was me opening for Rupert Holmes at The Diplomat in Florida.
Guest:At The Diplomat?
Guest:Yes, and Paul came down...
Guest:I'm trying to remember who he was with.
Guest:It was with Mark Schiff, I think.
Guest:Mark Schiff, yeah.
Guest:And I think George Wallace.
Guest:It was four comedians that came down to watch Bob bomb, basically, in front of Rupert Holmes.
Guest:It was a diplomat, so the whole audience was blue-haired.
Guest:Bob being you.
Guest:Bob being third person.
Guest:I'm talking like Martin Lawrence.
Guest:That's fine.
Guest:You can do that.
Guest:I talk like I'm an urban act.
Guest:Bob wouldn't do that.
Guest:That's not right for Bob.
Guest:You know, Bob's not comfortable talking about this, because when Bob leaves here, he puts his, what do you call it?
Guest:A Glock in the car.
Guest:Yeah, the Glock.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Or a nine.
Marc:Do they still use nines?
Marc:And I say they in a very racially inappropriate way.
Marc:Bob's people do.
Marc:They do.
Marc:They use nines?
Marc:And Glocks.
Marc:Nines and Glocks and a blunt.
Marc:And a blunt.
Guest:For the other thing.
Guest:For that other thing.
Guest:All right, so you're down to Diplomat.
Guest:You're opening for Rupert Holmes?
Guest:And the joke was, he wrote Pina Colada's song, right?
Guest:So his second song was called Him.
Guest:So I said, I liked working with him, him, him.
Guest:And then he wrote Drood on Broadway, and he won the Tony Award.
Guest:And that's the way that goes for him.
Guest:That's how that happened.
Guest:Paul Reiser and I were about the same time, and when I came out to L.A.
Guest:in 78, the people that I had come up with were Gary Shandling and...
Guest:And I had my appendix out.
Guest:And Jerry and Lucy Webb and Jimmy Brogan all came to visit me at UCLA when I was 21.
Guest:You were 21 years old?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:My appendix came out.
Guest:And I let it grow as its own human being, and it became Joey Kamen.
Marc:Joey Kamen, who is very funny, started as your appendix and nobody knows that.
Guest:No one knew it and he put a tennis ball in his mouth and then spit it out of my appendix hole.
Guest:We didn't continue with the air conditioner.
Guest:I didn't find out fully.
Guest:It doesn't work is what you're telling me.
Marc:I don't know what to do with it.
Marc:I sit here and sweat with celebrities and I feel uncomfortable.
Marc:You've got foam core to make it hotter, actually.
Marc:I mean, foam core is for the sound.
Marc:But now I got the doors open because I can't help it.
Marc:But I think what I'm trying to do is like, oh, I remember what I was going to tell you.
Marc:I remember a guy that I worked with on the road that I don't know if you would even remember.
Marc:He was a secondary character who died not too long ago.
Marc:His name was Frankie Bastille.
Marc:I know that name.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He was a miserable little headliner who had a drug problem.
Marc:He used to talk like this.
Marc:He's one of these rock and roll guys.
Marc:And he used to tell me because at the time I started out or when I was working with him in the late 80s, you were on the sitcom already.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Yeah, I got on there in, what, 86 or 87?
Marc:Right, so that was around the time that I was starting to do comedy.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And this guy was telling me- And where were you out of?
Marc:What city?
Marc:Well, at that time, I kind of- Were you in San Francisco for a while?
Marc:I was, but I started really after college.
Marc:I went to the comedy store.
Marc:I was a doorman there.
Marc:I got all fucked up on drugs in a year, and I went back to Boston, so I was really in Boston.
Guest:That's not even possible.
Guest:How could that have happened?
Guest:I know.
Marc:I was the only guy there who got fucked up on drugs in the late 80s.
Marc:It was the weirdest thing.
Marc:I'll go down in history as the one guy who had a drug problem at the Comedy Store in 1987.
Marc:I lived in that room for seven years.
Guest:We started at the Comedy Store in Westwood and then in 87.
Guest:It was 87.
Guest:No.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We'll be right back.
Guest:It was 78 when I started there and then 87.
Marc:And then she had just opened the Westwood store?
Marc:So you remember?
Guest:Yeah, I'd been open for a while.
Guest:I helped close the Westwood store.
Marc:So you were hanging around with Kenison as well?
Marc:I got him his first spot at the OR.
Marc:In the original room?
Guest:Yeah, I told her to watch him, but you didn't really have to be told to watch Sam.
Guest:Hey, listen to this guy.
Marc:Listen, you don't need a microphone.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But what was weird to me is when I met Frankie was that- I knew Frankie.
Marc:How did he die?
Marc:Well, he just had a heart attack and he was a junkie.
Guest:Just that?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But he was this obscure guy that didn't even want- He didn't want to be advertised when he was at a club so the IRS wouldn't know where he is.
Marc:He was one of those guys.
Marc:But he said that- I remember being shocked because he said you were filthy.
Guest:Yeah, I didn't even think I was.
Guest:I still don't think, I mean, sometimes I think I'm too much.
Guest:I mean, how much can you say fuck, you know?
Marc:No, I can say it a lot.
Marc:But the interesting thing is, is that the country's perception of who you were and who you were when you started comedy.
Marc:I mean, you were kind of, you weren't like an autobiographical comic.
Marc:You did jokes.
Guest:No, I did jokes and some stories, but most of them were just silly.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Dirty silly.
Guest:And let me do as many dick jokes as I can because it's silly.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Because I was told as a kid, you can't say any of that stuff.
Guest:So I stayed like a kid who just talked silly, you know?
Guest:just wanted to say dick over and over again and you can't you can actually if you go over if you just go on stage and say dick yeah 200 times yeah uh if you forget to do it then they'll say what'd you do tonight and you'll say i didn't do dick up there tonight and then you're got then they make fun of you but i don't think you can i mean i don't curse for the sake of cursing that's that's the actual truth
Marc:No, I don't think it was cursing, but you like to push buttons with how filthy you can be.
Guest:My first jokes were always, and they're more perverted than anything else.
Guest:They're bad.
Guest:It's like pedophilic stuff.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:That hasn't changed.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's good fun.
Marc:I mean, people forget what fun is.
Marc:It's solid.
Marc:Well, that's what I told the court.
Marc:What the hell's wrong with me?
Marc:You're not sweating at all.
Marc:You look tan.
Guest:Where were you, in Florida?
Guest:No, I have high blood pressure.
Guest:I have an hour to live.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, I was outside.
Guest:That'd be a great way to close the show.
Guest:I was outside.
Yeah.
Guest:Bob Saget is dead.
Guest:That'd be the best closer.
Guest:I've been spreading that on Twitter, but they know it comes from my account.
Guest:So they don't believe it?
Guest:I'm dead again.
Guest:I was in Vegas this weekend.
Guest:I did not go out in the sun, but the room had a heat lamp.
Guest:Where in Vegas?
Guest:I was at the Orleans, which is an amazing comedy room, actually.
Guest:How long were you there?
Guest:Saturday and Sunday night.
Guest:It's the room where I went and saw Rickles a couple months ago with Jeff Garland and Jeff Ross, because it was Jeff Garland's birthday, and we all worship Don Rickles, so we went to go pay homage and-
Marc:You went to Vegas to see Rickles?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And how was it?
Guest:I've seen it a few times.
Guest:He's a friend of mine now.
Marc:Who, Don is?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They all are.
Guest:How about Shecky Green?
Guest:He's in the car.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Because I kind of want to interview him.
Guest:But I'll do it later.
Guest:I love Shecky Green.
Guest:You can't talk to him right now.
Guest:He's unconscious.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But he still works.
Guest:I talk to people about him because I was always fascinated by him.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Because of the whole Vegas thing.
Guest:He was a renegade and he drank a lot and he drove his car into the fountain at Caesars.
Guest:We're all comics.
Guest:There's nothing you can do about it.
Guest:I was watching TV last night with my daughter.
Guest:Well, I said she was my daughter.
Guest:She believes it though?
Guest:She is.
Guest:She's my daughter.
Guest:I've never done anything but treat her like a dad in the positive way.
Guest:Not the guy that pretends that that's being a father.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:and uh legit well yeah yeah good and how many do you have i have three uh-huh at the moment you know them i'll have more i know them by name i know their addresses because i have to send the checks for everything they do i just had i got to re-sign a lease for one of their apartments oh my god how old are they
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You don't know.
Guest:They're 23, 21, and 17.
Guest:Your daughters.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:But they're Siamese triplets.
Guest:Oh, that's awesome.
Guest:Yeah, so it's just one place.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:But it's weird the age difference and they're still triplets.
Marc:That must be very hard on your wife to have one dangling from her vagina for a year.
Guest:Well, let's not talk about her vagina, but they were born rectally.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:But see, that's how I can do it.
Guest:That's what I can do.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:And then my daughter stares at me and goes, why did you say that?
Guest:And then I call them and go, okay, this is going to be in the Examiner in New York.
Guest:This is something I said.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:No, I have actually, they're brilliant.
Guest:They're much smarter than me.
Guest:Do you have kids?
Marc:I have none.
Marc:I have no wife.
Marc:I have no kids.
Guest:You won it?
Guest:You know, at this point, I think that it's a stupid question anyway, because people ask me, would you have kids again?
Guest:Would you get married again?
Guest:It really is.
Guest:Do you love somebody and do you have do you want to have?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:You know, I think at this age, if I'm going to have a kid, it's probably the conversation around it will be something like, well, what do you want to do with it?
Marc:You know, it's not going to be, let's plan it.
Marc:You know, it's going to be like, okay, I fucked up, but I'm old enough to handle it.
Marc:I think that's how it's going to go.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Is that a bad way to approach it?
Guest:No.
Guest:Whatever's honest is what, I mean, when you hold someone's kid, do you run for the fence?
Guest:With the kid?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, as soon as someone puts a baby in my hand, I start running with the baby.
Guest:That's what I do.
Guest:It's like making a drop.
Guest:You got to do it fast.
Marc:It's like, where do I put it?
Guest:Right.
Guest:No, I like it.
Guest:Do you like it?
Guest:Do you hold the kid?
Guest:Do you feel like... I held a baby last night, and this all sounds bad when I say it, but I held my friend's baby.
Guest:It sounds worse.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:But you're referring to an actual baby.
Marc:That's not slang for something.
Guest:A horrible little girl.
Guest:It just gets worse.
Guest:I really shouldn't be allowed to speak anymore.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:No, I think it's fine.
Guest:There should be an injunction.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:But she was just adorable.
Guest:And it made me think, could I have a... I'm 54.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So for me to have kids again, it's unusual.
Marc:No, I mean, but you know what they say?
Marc:They say, guys can always do it.
Guest:They can, but you don't want to be a grandfather.
Guest:You don't want to be 80 years old and have a kid in high school.
Guest:I mean, I don't want to die on my kid.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Well, I feel that, too.
Marc:I mean, people say that to me, and I feel it, too.
Marc:I don't want to, you know, how much longer can I wait?
Guest:So, again, I wouldn't mind having, like, a football player kid, like an 18-year-old boy that's a big, strapping strong kid just drag me around because I can't walk anymore.
Guest:Yeah, might throw you over his shoulder.
Guest:Carry me.
Guest:Carry me like there was some kind of, you know, Revolutionary War days.
Marc:Yeah, well, I think, well, maybe you should get to work on that.
Marc:So we started Rickles.
Marc:You're watching TV with your daughter.
Marc:And what happened?
Guest:And we watched Louis C.K.
Guest:'s new show, FX.
Guest:Last night.
Guest:Last night.
Guest:I watched that episode.
Guest:I didn't know which one was last night.
Guest:They gave me a DVD.
Guest:My agent sent me a DVD, and I watched four of them.
Guest:What was last night's episode?
Marc:The one with the kid who said he's going to beat him up in the diner.
Guest:I didn't see it.
Guest:Oh, because he didn't want to date his sister?
Marc:No.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:No.
Guest:It's just great.
Guest:You like it.
Guest:And what I like about it is what we all want to do, which is find your voice, whatever we are, whoever we came from, whether you never want to have a kid or ever had a girlfriend or whatever, and just be who you are.
Guest:And he's more than ever just being who he is.
Guest:And it's his, you know, people go, oh, that's his curb.
Guest:You know, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Is it though?
Guest:It's pretty unique.
Guest:It's your own voice, and Seinfeld was Seinfeld in a great commercial television way.
Guest:It doesn't get any better than that for that.
Guest:And Curb is Curb, and Woody Allen's probably the palate of all of it.
Guest:I mean, you look at what Woody did...
Marc:I noticed a little of that last night with Louie.
Marc:Louie and I have been friends for years, and I hope to get him on the show, and I have to overcome my mild jealousy and resentment to appreciate.
Guest:Well, that would make you guys good friends, because you can say goodbye without even having to handshake.
Marc:That's true.
Guest:I adore him.
Guest:Yeah, me too.
Marc:And last night when I watched it, I was sort of like, it mixes up.
Marc:What it doesn't do that those other things do is engage a real, there's a heart to it, and there's a filmic sort of tone to it.
Marc:He's consciously a filmmaker, and he's outside of being a comic.
Marc:It's unique.
Marc:It looks rough around the edges, but it's really pretty controlled.
Yeah.
Guest:And he's not apologizing.
Marc:No.
Guest:He's telling you how, I mean, I saw an episode, and I don't know if it's aired yet.
Guest:I probably shouldn't talk about it if it hasn't, but it's about him and his mom.
Marc:I think it aired.
Marc:I think most of them, I think we're almost done.
Guest:Oh, my God, it's just brutal, you know?
Guest:I mean, I had a Jewish mother that has been through it.
Guest:She's had a very hard life.
Guest:I'm her one and only wonderful kid, you know?
Marc:Your only child?
Guest:Yeah, well, the other two passed away, and there were two more that passed away.
Guest:What?
Guest:So I was a survivor of four.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, so I'm the opposite of, well, they saw my act.
Marc:Oh, Jesus.
Guest:Was it all at once?
Guest:It was a family gathering?
Guest:All at once, everybody.
Guest:Horrendous.
Guest:They took their own lives.
Marc:Did you really lose that many?
Guest:I did.
Guest:I had one from scleroderma, which is a big benefit that I do all the time.
Marc:And you made a film about that.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I did a thing years ago.
Guest:Your sister, right?
Guest:Yep.
Guest:Thanks for knowing that.
Guest:Dan Delaney starred in it.
Guest:It was called For Hope, and we're on the board of this Scleroderma Research Foundation.
Marc:What is that?
Guest:What is scleroderma?
Guest:It's a hardening of the skin.
Guest:Sclero means hard, and derma is something you can order in the deli later night.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:Stuffed derma.
Guest:Stuffed derma, yeah.
Guest:But it's skin.
Guest:Is it a rare disease?
Guest:It's a potato latke disease that you eat.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, it's kind of rare, but there are hundreds of thousands of people that have it.
Guest:I just know the rap sheet on it because I'm on the board, but as many people have it as cystic fibrosis and MS, and it's not as publicized.
Guest:A lot of people think it's because it's a bit of an orphan disease.
Guest:It mostly affects women in their childbearing years, which I look at all women.
Marc:Sure.
Guest:As possibly ready to go.
Guest:Rearing.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:But it's a cause.
Guest:I'll give the website after that.
Guest:Sure, go ahead.
Guest:Defame the disease in all women.
Guest:It's srfcure.org.
Marc:Well, I mean, I think what people don't know about you, perhaps, is that not only do you do this and you directed the film about it and you're involved with that, but I read something recently that, would you just buy a wing on one of your kids' schools or something?
Marc:Did you donate some money?
Guest:No, I don't think I did.
Guest:I just do benefits as much as I can.
Marc:That's all you do?
Guest:I just do.
Guest:I try to raise money for everybody that I care about.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And usually it's my kids or other people's kids.
Guest:I don't like when people are sick, so it's not that I'm a sucker to be philanthropic.
Guest:I try to give whatever I can.
Guest:If I'm fortunate, then that's nice.
Guest:I like being able to do that.
Guest:But I like to give of my time and help raise money for stuff if I can.
Guest:I mean, it feels lucky if we can put people in a room and then they can raise.
Guest:Like scleroderma, we raised over $20 million over the past 20 years.
Marc:That's amazing.
Guest:We're doing one November 8th at Caroline's in New York.
Guest:We just did one here at the Beverly Wilshire with Craig Ferguson, Ray Romano, Sarah Silverman, and B.J.
Guest:Novak and Bill Bellamy.
Guest:So that's like...
Marc:it's what it's us you know going out and do it i'd love for you to do it sometime yeah let me know if you wouldn't go on stage saying that you just don't like you're jealous of you do so you have to say you're jealous of louis ck and then dwell on that for seven minutes i can do that easily all right i do that already i already have uh i already have jokes about it i i actually say i don't know when i'm going to to see my friend's successes as anything other than a tax on me
Marc:I do not know why Louis had to call his show Fuck Marc Maron.
Guest:That's how you see the title?
Marc:Yeah, that's how it comes out on my television.
Guest:That sounds very... You've got to get a different set.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Guest:Maybe it's... Your signal's getting scrambled.
Guest:Something's going wrong.
Guest:I used to be... It's funny.
Guest:When I was in film school at Temple University...
Guest:I just graduated, and what year did Annie Hall come out?
Guest:78, maybe?
Guest:Okay, so 74 to 78 was my college.
Guest:I was in downtown Philly with my girlfriend, and she became my wife, and then my ex-wife, and the mother of my children, and the keeper of the checks.
Guest:And I saw Annie Hall, and I was so upset after seeing Annie Hall, because I remember saying, I'll never make anything that good, ever.
Guest:And I was...
Guest:21 and and uh i think i've kept my part of the bargain yeah good for you committing to that right yeah i mean i watched it the other day with my girlfriend uh who was also you know forever 21 no she's older how old is she she's in double digits okay all right that's good to start but uh watching annie hall with your girlfriend is kind of a dream for any uh comedian yeah uh at least i didn't have to watch with my mom did you say that again though
Marc:What, that it was a dream for any comedian?
Marc:No, did you say that to your new girlfriend, that you're never going to be able to do anything like that?
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:I said, isn't this great?
Guest:And here's why.
Guest:Because I figured out... You've grown up.
Guest:I haven't made anything that great, but I certainly understand it now.
Guest:You know how he... Just a really, really, really well-written thing.
Guest:And well done, isn't it?
Marc:Oh, it's beautiful.
Guest:I don't think there'd be anything... I don't think there'd be a lot of what we're talking about here, whether it be... Well, it never happens.
Guest:Herb or Louis C.K.
Guest:It's about a comedian who's an artist who teaches...
Guest:the people and he learned from all the people that are the masters you know i mean like albert and neil simon they all came out of that that's right i think it was always it was because of his situational comedy background i mean that you know that everything in that is a is a piece of situation comedy that you even like the bits mixed with a reflection whether it be therapy or just whatever it takes to know yourself well
Guest:Once you know yourself, if you can then put that into writing and then put that into, you know, wow, acting.
Marc:Yeah, then you find out whether or not people really like you.
Guest:And that doesn't matter.
Guest:Doesn't it?
Guest:My first joke, first joke that I ever wrote when I was 17 that was a joke, the rest were comedy songs, was when I was a kid, my mother said, when you grow up, not everybody is going to like you.
Guest:And I said, I need names.
Guest:And now I have the list.
Guest:I know who they are.
Guest:You can just Google.
Marc:The people that don't like you?
Guest:It's so simple.
Guest:Critics were always something that hurt everything.
Guest:There were a couple of critics here and there.
Guest:Are we in the fort in Stand By Me right now?
Guest:Kind of.
Guest:Are we going to find a dead body in here?
Guest:You need to open the door, don't you?
Guest:Can you put something in front of it?
Guest:Like the air conditioner?
Guest:It's not going to stay open, Mark.
Guest:Not like that.
Guest:Here, put this hammer in front of it.
Guest:No, I'm serious.
Guest:Here's a hammer.
Guest:I got a hammer right here.
Guest:Oh, that broom's going over.
Guest:That broom is not going to stay, trust me.
Guest:I went to Home Depot and built a door.
Guest:Look, put the hammer with the broom.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You've got a jar full of... You've got a jar, you've got two... I don't want to say you're... That's a good name for something.
Guest:It's a claymation show.
Marc:I'm looking at two jugs.
Marc:Claymation Jews are smashed by different tools?
Guest:I'd pay to see that.
Guest:Yeah, me too.
Guest:So here's a double-A jar of batteries and a triple-A.
Marc:Little teeny jar of batteries.
Guest:Two different jars.
Guest:So are you OCD?
Guest:No, they're for two different things.
Guest:Well, I see that, but I can tell the difference between a bigger and a smaller battery.
Guest:So I could put them all.
Marc:I actually have batteries in one drawer of two different sizes.
Marc:Oh, and you just separate them?
Marc:Look, I just wanted to make it nice in here.
Marc:So you just decided to do it.
Marc:Two jars.
Guest:Started with there.
Guest:Yeah, separate-sized jars.
Guest:The rest of this...
Guest:It's a work in progress.
Guest:You have things from a carousel slideshow projector.
Guest:I do, yeah.
Guest:You need a woman who loves you and who you love and who is OCD and will say, how do you live in this shit?
Guest:We've got to redo this.
Guest:And then she gets you to.
Guest:Do you have one of those?
Guest:I have a girlfriend who is very good at wanting to have some structure.
Guest:and to not have around a bunch of stuff.
Guest:And it helps me gut my life so I can be anew, so I don't stay in my old, just physical, to change physical stuff.
Marc:This is the only room that I have for this.
Marc:I mean, this stuff is important stuff.
Marc:I mean, those carousels, that's my family.
Guest:What do I do with the VHS tapes in my garage of every episode of Full House?
Guest:They're melted.
Guest:They've been in the garage.
Guest:Are they still in there?
Guest:They're in there.
Marc:Are you every episode?
Guest:I was young.
Guest:I had a show.
Guest:I didn't know what would happen.
Guest:I think it's dust.
Guest:You have carousel slide projectors.
Guest:If I have an episode of Full House on VHS, those are carousel slide projectors.
Guest:Are those your trips to the Catskills?
Marc:Those are my parents, the parents at the World's Fair in 1966.
Marc:It's my family, my parents.
Guest:They've been in the heat box that we're doing this interview in right now.
Guest:They're garbage.
Guest:They're dust.
Guest:They're the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Guest:They've dissolved.
Marc:Yeah, they opened the Ark of the Covenant and that was it.
Guest:And those slides just disappeared.
Marc:Maybe, maybe, I don't know.
Marc:So you still have the VHS of Full House.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Marc:I have VHS of a lot of stuff.
Marc:Me too.
Marc:I got a few of them, but they're no good.
Marc:You got to get them digitized.
Marc:I don't want to.
Marc:What am I going to do?
Marc:Watch it?
Guest:What am I going to?
Guest:Watch Full House?
Guest:Well, it's good that you've let that go.
Guest:Let it go.
Guest:I'll get a disease if I watch it.
Guest:I mean, I'd rather be on insulin.
Guest:I mean, I can't watch that.
Guest:I walk into my daughter's room sometimes.
Marc:You know how many episodes you did?
Marc:190-something.
Guest:My joke is asking my favorite episode.
Marc:What's your favorite episode of Full House?
Guest:The last one.
Okay.
Guest:But, you know, you're lucky.
Guest:But then again, that's not the... You know, I'm the luckiest guy.
Guest:I'd be a moron, right?
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I got a job because I was fired from another job on CBS.
Guest:I did a Richard Pryor movie, and then I got offered full house.
Guest:And I was lucky to get the job on CBS I got fired from because I was too hot for morning TV, and I was really lucky to be... Too hot?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You said cunt?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I just talked fast.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:And cunts don't understand that.
Guest:And then I got in this Richard Pryor movie, which was a dream.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What year was that?
Guest:Critical condition, 86.
Guest:So right when he was starting to go down?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm always around for that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I got to be with him and become friends with him, which was, you know.
Marc:Did you meet him at the comedy store?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I got bumped one night, and Mitzi said, you're not going on.
Guest:Richard's here.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And that was her way of saying, you just keep on going for your dreams.
Marc:Now she just says, is Bob Saget here yet?
Guest:I think Richard's going on.
Guest:She just had her birthday, and I couldn't go, and I sent her flowers.
Guest:You did?
Guest:I did.
Guest:Very sweet of you.
Guest:I just wanted to let the Jews out there know that they put me back a little bit.
Guest:They were expensive flowers.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I guess I shouldn't make fun of Mitzi.
Guest:Well, people are what they are.
Guest:Without that path, I wouldn't be where I am.
Guest:In the hottest garage I've ever been in in my life.
Guest:Is it pretty bad?
Guest:No, actually, you're sweating more than I am.
Marc:I sweat because I'm very focused.
Marc:Well, you just ate a turkey sandwich.
Guest:I ate some coffee.
Guest:I ate earlier.
Guest:I had turkey meatloaf earlier.
Guest:You did?
Guest:The Jew will tell you what it ate.
Guest:Always.
Marc:Is that in the guidebook?
Marc:The Jew will tell you what it ate?
Guest:It's Marlon Perkins.
Guest:It's like what the North American Jew does.
Guest:It will tell you what it drank.
Guest:Ask the Jew what it drank.
Guest:What did you have to drink today?
Guest:Zen soda.
Guest:Zen soda?
Guest:I believe it was a refresh kind.
Guest:Is that good?
Guest:Zero calories.
Guest:Made me feel good.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:And you had that with the turkey?
Guest:I had it with the turkey and a little, yeah.
Guest:No bread?
Guest:No.
Guest:No, I'm not eating bread.
Marc:Oh, and how about, like, maybe there's something on the side, salad, any pickle?
Guest:Do you have a pickle?
Guest:Didn't have any pickle.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Trying to remember what else I ate.
Guest:I ate something else.
Guest:Look at that.
Marc:It's a pepperoncini.
Guest:I like those things, but they give you gas, don't they?
Guest:Everything gives me gas.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Well, I don't have gas much anymore.
Guest:You don't?
Guest:Nope.
Guest:Go straight to shit.
Marc:Really good for you.
Guest:Yeah, because sometimes the gas is just a preemptive way before you crap.
Marc:So did you decide on comedy because you just couldn't muster up the confidence to do filmmaking?
Marc:Is that what you're telling me?
Marc:No, I got into film school.
Guest:I won the Student Academy Award when I was 21.
Guest:I got flown out by the Academy.
Guest:What Academy?
Guest:The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
Guest:Oh, no shit.
Guest:The Academy.
Guest:I met Howard Koch and I met Spielberg.
Guest:I actually walked up to Woody Allen at the Hilton because I was so cocky that I...
Guest:Won the student Oscar and yeah, he didn't accept Franny Hall and I told him that I wasn't accepting the student Academy Award Yeah in respect to him what he say he laughed he did that yeah He was really nice.
Guest:He said good luck and all kinds of the have you met him since four words no And I'm I consider him fortunate that he hasn't had so this is after you went to film school oh
Guest:While I was in film school, this movie I made about my nephew having his face reconstructed called Through Adam's Eyes.
Guest:It was an 11-minute black-and-white documentary.
Guest:What happened to your cousin?
Guest:My nephew.
Guest:He became my cousin, and then everything helped.
Guest:Oh, that's great.
Guest:He's amazing.
Guest:He's an amazing man.
Guest:Very successful guy now.
Guest:Why did he have his face reconstructed?
Guest:I needed to make a movie about it.
Guest:Oh, so you just bashed his face in?
Guest:As hard as I could, because I wanted to get something going for my career.
Marc:You said, quit crying, we're doing something here?
Guest:Yeah, and we filmed it.
Guest:Kind of like, a little bit like punk, but a little different.
Marc:Yeah, a little good.
Marc:And you guys are okay now, though, right?
Guest:Yeah, we're best friends.
Guest:We're besties.
Guest:And then I came out here to go to USC film school.
Guest:I got into NYU and USC film grad school.
Guest:I went for three days to USC grad school, but I quit because I had gone up when I won the student Oscar.
Guest:I was in L.A.
Guest:from Philly.
Guest:They flew me out here, and Mitzi said, you should work here.
Guest:You should work here at the comedy store.
Guest:And I did.
Guest:You had done no comedy?
Guest:I had done stand-up in Philly and New York.
Guest:I used to wait in line and do catch and the improv.
Guest:And the comic strip?
Guest:I was 17 years old.
Guest:Didn't do comic strip.
Marc:I did it later in life, but not in my... Catch and the... So the improv on 44th Street and catch up on 78th?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:81st and 3rd.
Marc:81st and 3rd, yeah.
Guest:And I would sign the sheet and wait 12 hours.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:And did it.
Guest:And my first hosts were Belzer.
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Guest:And Barry Diamond at Catch.
Guest:And Barry Diamond at Catch.
Guest:And at the improv, Chris Albrecht was the manager.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And Robert Wall was the emcee and the doorman.
Guest:No kidding.
Guest:And Silver was Silver.
Guest:And they both said Silver.
Guest:I didn't remember.
Guest:No, Bud.
Guest:It was Bud then.
Guest:But they hadn't sold the place.
Guest:I don't know if it was.
Guest:No, it was.
Guest:Yeah, it hadn't sold.
Guest:It was an ambiguity company.
Guest:It was still the only improv, correct?
Guest:Yeah, correct.
Guest:And I remember the first thing that Albrecht said to me and Robert Wall in the same night, which Bud never stopped saying to me no matter where I am, is, you're blocking the hallway.
Yeah.
Guest:And that was what they said to me.
Guest:So the thing that makes me, when people say to me, can you get me on at this club and that club?
Guest:I go, yeah.
Guest:You want to go up on a Monday or Tuesday?
Guest:If I can, I'll help you.
Guest:But then what are you going to do?
Guest:Call the owner every weekend and say, please put them on on Tuesday.
Guest:Do it again.
Guest:But I waited in line, stood in line, signed the sheet.
Marc:That shit doesn't exist anymore, though.
Marc:I mean, the lines, the sheet.
Marc:Comics, they just do little rooms where comics produce shows.
Marc:Which is great.
Marc:It's okay.
Guest:Well, you know, you can go up to... Where are the places here in town?
Guest:I have no fucking idea.
Guest:I mean, it was M-Bar for a while, right?
Marc:Well, that show has moved to the UCB Theater.
Guest:And Largo's not around anymore?
Marc:Largo is now at the Coronet down on La Cienega, so it's in a larger theater.
Guest:But they call Largo... Largo's still called Largo.
Guest:Largo at the Coronet.
Guest:Largo's at the Coronet.
Guest:It's like saying the comedy store is at the Hyatt.
Guest:Yeah, they do that.
Guest:Which it is.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You can hit it from there.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:If you jump.
Guest:Running start.
Guest:I was there that night.
Marc:You were there when he killed himself?
Guest:No.
Guest:What was his name?
Guest:I showed up at night, ambulance chaser that I am.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What was his name?
Guest:He was a friend of mine, Steve Lebetkin.
Guest:You knew him?
Guest:He was a friend of mine, like an actual friend of mine.
Guest:I don't like it when I see those kind of things from friends.
Guest:I become the narcissist.
Guest:I become the guy.
Guest:That's my version of going, why did he get that show?
Guest:It's like, what right does he have to upset me or her by killing themselves when I value life?
Guest:I get really, really angry.
Guest:I don't care how nuts they are.
Marc:At people who kill themselves.
Guest:At people who kill themselves.
Guest:Take your goddamn medication, get a family member, and fucking stay alive.
Guest:It bothers me.
Guest:Well, at that time, there's... I like them.
Guest:I don't want them dead.
Guest:Right, no, I understand that.
Guest:That makes sense.
Guest:I hate it.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:You had a bad set?
Guest:You had a bad year?
Guest:You couldn't get on?
Guest:Fucking go cut deli.
Marc:But did he know he had sickness?
Marc:I mean, at that time, there was no Prozac.
Guest:I had no clue he had sickness.
Guest:I knew he was depressed.
Marc:We're all depressed.
Marc:I know, but manic depression was barely diagnosed at that time.
Marc:I mean, what was it, 1978?
Guest:Manic depression was fairly popular.
Marc:No, I know that, but the only thing they had was lithium.
Marc:No, they had other stuff.
Guest:I knew people on all kinds of crap.
Marc:Really?
Marc:In 1978?
Marc:Is that when that happened?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:About then?
Marc:And this guy, you know, he... He couldn't get any spots.
Guest:He should have looked.
Guest:Did you see his seven minutes?
Guest:You know, he had a good three.
Guest:Was he funny?
Guest:He was funny.
Guest:He used to do an impression of a Jewish pimp, and he had a hat with two bagels on either side, and he would go, hustle, hustle.
Guest:And then he would take the same bagels and put them on his ears and go, look, Princess Leia, you know, prop stuff.
Guest:Did he jump with the bagels?
Guest:I don't think he jumped with any props.
Guest:He was, you know, he was about as low as, you know, it's just, and I don't want to dwell on this because we both know the same people that in the past 10 years are gone, you know.
Guest:Rich.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just sucks.
Guest:But then there's new people coming up that are positive, that are really cocky that we can resent.
Marc:No, I know, but the weird thing about Rich Jenny is that I was working his weekend in Chicago the night that he did it.
Marc:And, like, me as a narcissist... Did you think it was your fault?
Marc:No, I didn't think it was my fault, but I thought, like, what does this mean?
Marc:You know, why am I the guy that is doing his weekend that he canceled because he was too depressed?
Guest:It means you're doing a favor for the muses.
Guest:You know, you're doing something good.
Guest:I always turn that into... Because I've lost two sisters and...
Guest:To the same disease?
Guest:No, one was scleroderma, and the other, again, she saw my act.
Guest:Yeah, and just dropped dead.
Guest:Yeah, she just had a brain aneurysm.
Guest:She had a rough time.
Guest:But, you know, and so I've lost, you know, and I've lost a bunch of friends, and I just want to be happy, you know.
Guest:Are you?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How do you do it?
Guest:It just happened.
Guest:I've been to a lot of therapy, to be honest with you.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm tired of myself.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:And I like to be new.
Guest:I like to have newness in my life and the way I do things and stuff.
Guest:So I had my penis completely tucked.
Guest:Really?
Guest:It actually hangs out of my ass.
Guest:That's interesting.
Guest:Yeah, it's like a tiny little tail.
Guest:It's like Shallow Howl.
Guest:Remember that Jason Alexander has that?
Guest:Uh-uh.
Guest:It's at the end of Shallow Howl.
Guest:It's the punchline to the entire film.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:That is a while ago.
Guest:It's not like giving the end of Inception.
Marc:Well, look, okay, let me just ask you a couple questions before we get lost.
Guest:I'm not saying I'm happy all the time by any means.
Marc:No, I know, but look, you were the dad on the TV show.
Guest:Right, and I've been able to get through that.
Guest:Right, and you did America's... And that's a two-dimensional show made, a really good, really good... Full House.
Guest:It's a good two-dimensional show made for 14-year-old girls.
Guest:Right, but you did 200 episodes.
Guest:Something like that.
Guest:And then you were that guy for... On the video show for 200 episodes.
Marc:200 episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos.
Guest:Right, so I'm that guy for those people forever because I did 80 hours of work a week being a character.
Marc:And on both of those shows.
Guest:And being a clip host of a clip show.
Guest:Believe me, dude, how much did you hate yourself?
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:I was so tired it helped me to not hate myself.
Guest:And I also had a good life.
Guest:Money doesn't give you happiness, but you can buy happiness with money.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And like what?
Guest:You know, you can buy medicine.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Houses.
Guest:Houses.
Marc:Cough syrup.
Guest:Friends.
Guest:A lot of codeine.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, sure.
Guest:I got three healthy daughters.
Guest:You know, they always say healthy.
Guest:You always say that, so no one has an arm growing out of the middle of their head.
Guest:Right.
Guest:No Three Mile Island kids.
Guest:We live in a world where Three Mile Island doesn't even get a laugh anymore.
Marc:No, no, people don't even know what it was.
Guest:It's a shareable.
Guest:Chernobyl, nothing.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:It's not a world we live in.
Marc:It's like the past is the past.
Marc:And Hiroshima never got a laugh.
Marc:Ever, ever.
Marc:It was funny briefly.
Marc:It was funny briefly.
Marc:Depends on what you were wearing that day.
Marc:Yeah, we couldn't use it.
Marc:It was before our generation.
Guest:Ask Shecky Green.
Marc:But who got laughs out of it?
Marc:Ask Shecky.
Marc:He was drunk in the fountain.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I saw him at Nate and Al's, and he wants to work, and he's very funny.
Marc:I want to go interview him for the show.
Guest:You should.
Guest:I'll tell you all about it.
Guest:I'll tell you his experience.
Guest:Is he clear?
Guest:Is he clear-headed?
Guest:I think so.
Guest:He was when I was going through his pants.
Marc:So you had no self-hatred about all those shows?
Guest:um yeah i had i had a lot of uh you know my my silly uh my funny career is that people always go oh he's not the guy that you know from those shows i did the shows for eight years and i've been 15 years of experiencing well let's see what year is this this is 2010 so they went off in 98 right or 95 96 well what's her name one of the twins is on the cover of something today
Guest:you know her I know one of the twins yeah that's how people see how people look how they label people yeah and I was the dad on that show well don't expect to see him do that you know I don't know I was in Vegas this weekend nobody was surprised I've been doing in other words what I was saying was I've been who I am before longer longer than the thing's been off so you're that's past you don't get that anymore well no I do I use it I think it's funny
Guest:I mean, it's like saying, yeah, it's a supreme joke of pop culture that I got to do that.
Guest:And that you're this filthy one-wire comic.
Guest:I love that I did it.
Marc:I'm not even that... Come on.
Guest:The new show I'm doing for A&E is called Strange Days.
Guest:I'm not going around cursing.
Guest:I don't even have to get bleeped much.
Guest:It's a documentary comedy show, so I don't host it.
Guest:It's not in the camera.
Guest:It's just me going somewhere and living...
Guest:with an unusual lifestyle, subculture of society.
Guest:You live there.
Guest:I live in a nice hotel all the time wherever I go.
Guest:I mean, I'm not ridiculous.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I joined a motorcycle club and rode in a sidecar from Nashville to Daytona.
Guest:That's the bitch seat.
Guest:Well, I tried to ride a motorcycle.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:You want me in the bitch seat, trust me.
Guest:I mean, it's an option of do you want to see the other six get shot or just have me smeared?
Guest:Am I roadkill or do we make more?
Marc:You couldn't ride the bike?
Guest:No.
Guest:Then because I was in the... Do you ride a motorcycle?
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Because I was in the sidecar, we shot one where I looked for Bigfoot up in the Pacific Northwest with infrared gear.
Guest:I joined a fret in Cornell.
Guest:I went to Vegas and we did the out... Jeff Ross came and helped me out late at night.
Guest:We did the...
Guest:I guess a Lost Vegas episode, but we did the Mint 400.
Guest:We retraced the Hunter S. Thompson thing, and Jeff was kind of my Laszlo.
Guest:And we did a bunch of other ones.
Guest:I went to camp.
Guest:I just got back, actually, from shooting in a camp.
Marc:You went to camp?
Guest:I never had gone to camp as a kid, so here I was with... No, did you?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Where were you?
Marc:I went to camp in New Mexico, and I went to camp in Pennsylvania.
Marc:Was it fun?
Marc:It was okay.
Marc:My parents didn't want me around.
Marc:So that was the core of it.
Marc:But yeah, I went to a music and arts camp in Pennsylvania for two years in a row, and they let you smoke and play guitar.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:It was great.
Marc:I just smoked and played guitar.
Guest:Well, it's like that now.
Marc:But although these kids didn't smoke, it was a really nice... I think kids don't smoke like they used to, do they?
Guest:Not cigarettes.
Guest:No.
Guest:I was with 14, 15-year-olds.
Guest:There was still an innocence, even though there wasn't.
Guest:There really was.
Marc:The kids are still innocent now?
Guest:The ones they put me with.
Guest:Until you got done with them.
Guest:Now none of them can barely... They can't walk.
Guest:um they have to learn somewhere i went to ukraine and helped guys get mail order brides really yeah you went to the ukraine uh-huh holy shit yeah so with this thing will be on uh in months ahead called strange days so that whatever we're doing right now yeah it'll have it'll have plugged it somehow yeah well you don't know when it's going to be on uh not yet no we're cutting it right now we're waiting to find out and you want me to hold this right oh you can do whatever you want what are you pointing at no
Marc:You want me to hold this, right?
Marc:You want me to wait to put this up?
Marc:It won't matter.
Marc:Nothing matters.
Marc:Oh, Jesus.
Guest:Happiness is good.
Guest:You're not happy, right?
Guest:No, I'm all right.
Guest:No, but you're not.
Guest:I'm anxious.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, I have a lot of fear.
Guest:You're going, when are the things?
Guest:You know, that's the enemy.
Guest:What?
Guest:Fear is the enemy.
Marc:Of course it's the enemy.
Guest:Period.
Marc:Shuts you down creatively.
Marc:I'm not saying when is the thing.
Marc:I'm just saying, is this it?
Guest:Well, then say that until they lower you into the ground, but it doesn't matter because it is.
Guest:It just doesn't matter.
Guest:I mean, people are going to me all the time.
Guest:Is this all I came here for?
Guest:I don't fucking know.
Guest:I got shit to do.
Guest:Maybe.
Guest:But when you sit at home, you're like, I'm good.
Guest:I don't sit too much.
Guest:I work a lot.
Guest:All right, so that's your thing.
Guest:Well, I like to work.
Guest:I also like being with my girlfriend.
Guest:I also enjoy my kids.
Guest:I'm very fortunate.
Marc:That's a full life.
Marc:You got a full life.
Guest:And you used the word full in a sentence.
Guest:But no, I have a full life.
Guest:I'm very lucky.
Guest:My mother's alive, so you can't have everything.
Guest:Well, when does this air is the question.
Guest:No, she's good.
Guest:I took her to dinner last night.
Guest:Is she here?
Guest:Not in the building, but she's in Los Angeles.
Marc:Did you move her out here?
Guest:Is that how that works?
Guest:Yeah, a long time ago.
Guest:She's in the Holy Land, west of the 405.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:And she...
Guest:You set her up.
Marc:That's so nice.
Marc:Did that feel good to be able to set your mom up?
Guest:Well, she lives in the street.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:I just dropped her.
Marc:But you check out.
Marc:She's fine.
Guest:You drive around.
Guest:You see her.
Guest:The Blue Bus, I don't know if you got money or not.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But she gets the French fries with no salt, so they're healthier.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Every time we go out.
Guest:I get the French fries, no salt.
Marc:My mother's never eaten a French fry.
Marc:What's your mom like?
Marc:She's like 119 pounds and she's got bleach blonde hair.
Guest:When you say she's 119 pounds, is she fighting?
Guest:Does she go to Vegas?
Marc:She's in a lifelong fight against fat, Bob.
Marc:It's all about... Is your dad alive?
Marc:Sure he is.
Marc:Are they together?
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:Divorced.
Marc:They're divorced.
Guest:That's a new thing that they did a long time ago, right?
Marc:Well, no, I never quite recovered from it because I was 35.
Marc:Why didn't you recover?
Marc:Because who am I going to live with?
Guest:Where am I going to put my bookshelves?
Marc:No, no, it was later.
Marc:And they got divorced, and my dad's nuts, and my mother's nuts, and they're okay.
Marc:Gratitude is what it is, Bob.
Marc:They want gratitude?
Marc:No, that's part of happiness, no?
Guest:Yeah, being appreciative.
Guest:But you can't make that happen.
Guest:You have to choose, though.
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:No, that doesn't happen organically because we're supposed to wake up in the morning and be appreciative.
Guest:You can't tell that to a self-pitying Jew bastard.
Guest:I don't appreciate it.
Guest:And then I realized when I slapped myself around, you know what?
Guest:I used to be depressed.
Guest:When I was 29, I was depressed for like a year.
Guest:I'd be depressed a year at a time.
Guest:Like you can't get out of bed depressed?
Guest:a little bit of that but i would always work but it just you know it wasn't happening i'd always be funny i'd always go on stage whether i had a job or not i didn't have a job for eight years you know and would go do you know yickels and fuckwad yeah and then stand there and you know have fun yeah and go home and the worst part would be you'd be you know as a comic because we're just talking because we're comics yeah i you go on stage and you just you know at the comedy store in its heyday it was robin and richard and
Guest:And Red Fox would come on.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:In the, what, in the late 70s?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Joey Kamen.
Guest:Joey Kamen, Joey Gaynor.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Harris Pete.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Skip Stevenson.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:David Letterman.
Guest:David Letterman.
Guest:One of the first people I met when I had started, when I got accepted as a regular.
Marc:You remember him as a comic?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I told him he could sleep with my cousin.
Guest:You did?
Guest:And did he?
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
No.
Guest:I remember Leno had seen me do it.
Guest:I saw Jay do a joke, and it made me laugh so hard.
Guest:He was at the store as well?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mostly the improv, but the store too.
Guest:It was pre-strike.
Guest:I remember he did a joke.
Guest:He said, what is it with incest?
Guest:I just like anybody that would do traditional comedy, but then put their spin on it.
Guest:To hear Jay do perverted humor made me laugh back then.
Guest:What was the joke?
Yeah.
Guest:What is it with this incest?
Guest:Your mother's opening up the oven and getting out the meatloaf, and you're looking at it, and she's bending over, and you're going, all right, Mom.
Guest:It was his Boston version of being turned on by the big pilgrim woman picking up a meatloaf.
Guest:And I said to him, that's really funny.
Guest:Of course you would like that.
Guest:I mean, oh, my God.
Guest:I was so fucked up.
Guest:I just laughed at anything perverted.
Guest:Who else was around then?
Guest:Mike Binder?
Guest:Billy Crystal.
Guest:No.
Guest:Mike was 17, Binder.
Guest:Mike was the first comedian I saw when I was 20 years old when I won the Student Academy Award.
Guest:And then he said he had a friend named Dave Coulier that needed a place to stay when he came out to LA.
Guest:And so this is 10 years before we did Full House.
Guest:or eight years before we did really i met dave in detroit and then asked davis dave on my couch and that was the premise of the sitcom too which is kind of did you pitch it was no no no i was uh hired after someone else was released it was uh it was a show by miller boyette and uh jeff franklin and uh john and david done it already and
Guest:I was doing this show in New York, and then they didn't know what they were going to do, and then I got the job at the last minute.
Marc:Huh.
Guest:It was a weird thing.
Guest:Binder was funny, wasn't he?
Guest:Great.
Guest:And he is funny.
Guest:He's a really great guy, and he can make a good film, too.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I wish I was around.
Marc:I was at the store in 87.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So it was way after.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I think I had just gotten a job and left, but I remember it was so competitive and so weird.
Guest:It's still weird over there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But it's comics, and it's supposed to be weird, you know?
Guest:We're all supposed to be what we are.
Guest:I was watching this Louis show on FX, which I am a little obsessed with over having watched it last night.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I watched four of them.
Guest:And just to see him go into the Comedy Cellar in New York and watch that, it's...
Guest:It's romantic as shit what we do.
Guest:I mean, it might be sick.
Guest:And he gave a speech, and he says, you know, we have 15 minutes up there.
Guest:That's our lives.
Guest:And he shows the other comics who say nothing, and they're all like, so these guys got nothing.
Guest:They just got that 15 minutes.
Guest:It's a very funny cut, too, because it's kind of true, you know?
Guest:You're as good as your last spot.
Guest:It's fucking true.
Guest:Unless you don't.
Guest:You have enough self-worth that you realize, no, this is a craft.
Guest:Do you have that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'll do a set, which I'll know will be... I went up and did Chocolate Sundaes a couple weeks ago at the Laugh Factory, which is an urban night.
Guest:And my first line was, where's all my tall, neurotic Jews in the house?
Guest:And then that was the uphill.
Guest:So then I started to just hit too hard.
Guest:I just was trying to score because I wanted to...
Guest:wanted black people to like you very much yeah and i want and none of that you just want to kill with every audience or not kill i just wanted to get and you can't if you're going up with a crowd that is rowdy if it's a rock and roll type crowd or a college crowd you can't be looking at your notes you know you can't you gotta you gotta entertain everybody you gotta be it's and it's a workshop i just did vegas this weekend
Guest:And it's like surfing, you know, and you don't wipe out and you just keep going.
Guest:And it's a pretty amazing form to be able to do.
Guest:So I'm pretty professional about it.
Guest:You are.
Guest:You've always been real professional.
Marc:Yeah, I'm pretty professional.
Guest:I do know that like... You're as depressed before you go on as off.
Marc:Yeah, right, yeah, on stage, off stage.
Guest:You're consistent.
Marc:I'm very consistent.
Marc:I'm consistently inconsistent.
Marc:That if they don't come around to where I am, we're going to be in trouble.
Marc:But it's not really that, that's not really true.
Marc:I was in Atlanta, and it was the last show, and it's this weird small room where you do two shows a night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Marc:Where was it?
Marc:At the Laughing Skull.
Guest:Oh, that's owned by... I like that guy.
Guest:Marshall Childs.
Guest:I like him a lot.
Guest:I did that club, The Funny Farm.
Marc:Funny Farm, yeah.
Guest:And he loves... What I love about him is that he loves comedy.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:And like the last night... And he's funny, too.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I had great shows.
Marc:And there was a couple in the last show, and they were drunk, and they were exuding problem.
Marc:They were just going to be a problem.
Marc:The room was too fucking small.
Marc:And I knew backstage, I was like, this is going to be my last show, and they're going to fuck it up.
Marc:I'm going to have to babysit.
Marc:You preordained it.
Marc:Well, and then Chris Tucker stops by to do a guest spot, which is weird on my show.
Guest:What was he doing there?
Marc:He lives there.
Marc:He does?
Marc:Yeah, so he comes up and does 10 minutes.
Guest:He's so funny.
Guest:I want to see him do stand-up more.
Guest:You do?
Guest:Was it good?
Marc:Yeah, it was all right.
Marc:But people were very excited to see him because he's a guy.
Marc:They know him from the movies or from the billboard or whatever.
Marc:And then I got up there.
Marc:If you've seen the billboard, you'll love the comedy.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:Well, then I get up there, and they had removed the couple that I knew was going to be a problem.
Marc:Now it's all on you.
Marc:Right, yeah.
Guest:I was so ecstatic.
Marc:I was like, they're gone.
Marc:And everybody else was relieved, and we had a nice time.
Marc:But I guess that's true.
Marc:You've got to walk.
Guest:Well, you hold on to the one person that tells you.
Guest:When I did this...
Guest:i did a set and i guess it was here in town before i went to vegas last week because i've gone up on tour so i want to make sure that i'm good and i just went too far you know i don't sometimes i like to be clean cut and even just go up and i'm just going to be see how funny i can be and not not rely on just saying you know fucking this jeff garland style well i don't go up with no material or you got why no i have joe i do both yeah
Guest:I love that he can do that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But he has material.
Guest:I mean, he's more prepared than I am sometimes.
Guest:But I went up, and I offended somebody.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I was really blue.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It was just a couple weeks ago, and two older people walked out, and I said, do you have to go somewhere?
Guest:I think I insulted them.
Guest:Did they say anything?
Guest:Apparently, you're not going to have sex, because it wasn't good.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And the guy said, you're just not funny.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And I just hadn't heard that in so long.
Guest:yeah I always it's always weird when you meet somebody and they go are you gonna be funny yeah no no when you get on a plane do you ask your pilot if he's gonna get you to Cleveland yeah so our back's already up we're already the kid behind the dumpster ready to start a fight yeah I mean we chose are you funny you know sometimes alright so at that moment at that moment you're just not funny did it hurt
Marc:No, which is why the therapy is paid off.
Marc:That is a good sign.
Guest:I was not hurt.
Guest:In fact, what it did was I acted out a little bit.
Guest:I became a little more 11 years old.
Guest:I just started to needle them a little bit.
Guest:Yeah, sure, of course.
Guest:As they left and then apologized because they knew it was so wrong to make fun of them after they were gone.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then said probably what they were doing and where they were going.
Guest:After they left?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Oh, you kept going.
Guest:How they're going to get back to Chatsworth.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:And was that killing?
Guest:No, because it was mean, and I kept apologizing for how mean it was.
Guest:You couldn't help yourself.
Guest:Couldn't help myself.
Guest:And it made me feel better, and then I was able to let go of it.
Guest:It took me about two minutes of apologizing for ragging on them.
Marc:It did hurt your feelings.
Marc:You just chose not to feel pain, and you got defensive, and you just made them pay, and then you felt bad about that and apologized.
Guest:But then I felt good enough because I wasn't that mean in making them pay.
Guest:I found a gentle way...
Marc:To make them pay.
Guest:To make them pay for the pain.
Guest:That should be the name of your next CD.
Marc:A Gentle Way to Make You Pay.
Guest:I think anybody would read or see anything with that title.
Guest:Oh, yeah, hell yeah.
Guest:A Gentle Way.
Guest:It's a good indie film title.
Marc:A Gentle Way to Make You Pay.
Marc:That just is like... Just about a guy who's so mean and so smooth that people walk away and they go, holy shit, my ass is bleeding.
Marc:I didn't even notice it.
Guest:If you...
Guest:If you made that as a screenplay, an independent film, that could be like your 500 Days of Summer.
Marc:A gentle way to make you pay.
Guest:Yeah, it sounds like you're getting back at the women that have hurt you.
Marc:Written and directed by Marc Maron, produced by Bob Saget.
Marc:Can I have some money?
Guest:And that's what it comes down to.
Guest:Well, first thing you need to do is get some fucking air conditioning in here.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:You didn't tell me I'd be in Dachau for the interview.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Guest:Are we in a train?
Marc:I think we can quit if you want.
Marc:No, I'm never leaving.
Guest:This WTF is everywhere.
Marc:Yeah, it's gotten very popular and people seem to like it and they like hearing from comics.
Marc:They like hearing us talk because the interesting thing is nobody knows.
Marc:I talked to David Tell for an hour and a half and I don't think anyone has ever talked to him that long.
Marc:I like him a lot.
Marc:I talked to, I recently did an episode with Judd Apatow.
Marc:He loves comedy.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'd like to talk to Shannon.
Marc:I knew him.
Marc:You knew him when he was a kid?
Guest:yeah he loves comedy loves comedy and he's obviously funny and he's brilliant yeah he does he just definitely loves he loves it yeah and that's what that's what's attractive to me about all of it when i watch anything when i see one of us like deuce it feels like a family to me at a certain age i just go these are my brethren yes you put a couple hundred people a couple thousand couple million people in front of any of us yeah and the reactions are the same yeah
Guest:I mean, there's only so many ways to skin the cow and sell all the parts.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Watching Louis C.K., I keep dwelling on it because literally it was last night, is watching him deal with a heckler in the audience.
Guest:Oh, you watched that episode, yeah.
Guest:And seeing him at Caroline's.
Guest:I mean, we all live that life.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so what is the violation?
Guest:What do you owe an audience?
Guest:And what is your interpretation?
Yeah.
Guest:of what the relationship is it's pure you know his uh speech was that it's it's you have to listen to us because we're on stage and that's you're not supposed to speak back unless i want you to speak right but where's where's that written yeah you know in my job like i'm i'm this is my plug i'm touring through january you know whatever theaters and colleges and stuff
Guest:And so they're paying money, so I got to entertain them, period.
Guest:And if I talk to them, I'm responsible.
Guest:If a guy rushes the stage, I did a college a couple months ago, and some kid rushed the stage with a bottle.
Guest:And what he wanted to do was down this weird, I guess it was called ice, some kind of Seagram's product, and wanted me to drink it.
Guest:And I wouldn't drink it, so he pounded it and then threw the bottle to the ground.
Guest:And all I'm picturing is glass coming up, hit me in the eyes.
Guest:So I just, all I care about security at that point.
Guest:So at that moment, I don't care that anybody's paid money.
Guest:I'm not going to be killed.
Marc:Your safety, yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But otherwise, they paid.
Guest:But if you're at the comedy cellar, Louie's 100% right.
Guest:You don't speak during someone's whole.
Marc:Well, he's interesting, too, because as a comic, I mean, I've known him a long time, and he was never a guy that liked doing crowd work, that even was comfortable doing crowd work.
Marc:Some guys like to do it.
Marc:Other guys learn how to do it, so they have the skill in place.
Marc:And it's not a necessary thing to do.
Guest:I mean, it's like Norm Macdonald.
Guest:You want to listen to what he weaves because it's coming from such an unusual place.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And Louis is compelling.
Guest:Yeah, same thing.
Guest:And Norm's like that.
Guest:I could sit and listen to Norm and go, whoa, when is this going to turn?
Guest:And here it just turned.
Marc:But like you, I mean, if somebody talked to me or you, they're going to pay.
Marc:We're going to find a gentle way.
Guest:It won't be that gentle.
Marc:No, I've done some.
Guest:And I've had some relationship problems in my life personally.
Guest:Because what I've learned about myself is, you know, you throw one rock at me and I got a thousand coming back.
Guest:It happened yesterday.
Guest:Because I'll bring catapults.
Guest:I'll bring artillery.
Guest:I'll hire people.
Marc:One little thing that hurts your feelings.
Guest:And it's not even.
Guest:It's not that big a deal.
Guest:They don't even do anything wrong.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I mean, they do.
Guest:They're just people.
Marc:They're just human beings.
Marc:How do you feel after that?
Guest:Well, you know what's a good example, which I use a lot in my relationship?
Guest:Shit, I do the same thing.
Guest:Our type, ilk, should be watching James L. Brooks' as good as it gets as many times as we possibly can.
Guest:because the jack nicholson helen hunt relationship kind of says it all because it's like why would you say something like that and it's just a guy who's so narcissistic and so stupid uh not stupid but so insecure and hurt yeah i'm not looking at you or me yeah there's no mirrors in here are there yeah we're looking i like that you have no mirrors in here yeah and just do something that fucks it up for somebody that you care about and it can really fuck up
Guest:A good relationship.
Marc:They fucked up my second marriage.
Marc:She left.
Marc:You must be a fucking terror with that shit.
Guest:Well, I've gotten therapy for any... If you can find somebody that you can talk to.
Guest:This is anger issues.
Guest:It's anger issues, and it's also hurt, and it's also not being allowed to do what you want to do, and it's not... It's also not owning your stuff, you know, not walking around...
Guest:Feeling guilty, whether it be Catholic or Jew guilt, you know.
Guest:Notice I go Catholic or Jew guilt.
Guest:So there's a racism falling somewhere on that.
Guest:You don't call it Catholic guilt.
Guest:No, Jew guilt.
Guest:We hate ourselves.
Guest:Well, somebody else has to.
Guest:What's the immediate solution?
Guest:You can't rely on just all the world.
Guest:You have to hate.
Guest:We've got to do it ourselves.
Guest:But I just think it shortened the window on the angst.
Guest:So shortened the argument, shortened the...
Guest:Reason for it say what you want to say and then literally I have a friend that always says this says this to me He's a comedy writers like do a puzzle with a friend You know just do whatever you can do shiny objects in front of yourself change subject for your mind before the rage lock go do something something play Zelda do anything but when you lock in do you have that moment where like you know you feel the effect of what's being said or what's aggravated you and then it's just like a switch turns and
Guest:A switch turns and the bottom of the elevator drops out and there's no rescuing anybody.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Everybody's getting taken in.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we're wrong.
Guest:We are wrong.
Guest:It's incorrect behavior, but you can fix it.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:I guarantee you can fix it.
Guest:Start with throwing out some of this shit in here.
Guest:I'm not even kidding.
Guest:My girlfriend wouldn't tolerate this.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I like some of these things.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, you've got some nice things here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What does that say?
Guest:Is that a serenity prayer?
Marc:That's a joke serenity prayer, yeah.
Guest:Oh, it's a senility prayer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What is that?
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:Go get it.
Guest:I'm just going to tell you something.
Guest:There's a copy of 1984 by George Orwell here.
Guest:Cut in half.
Guest:No, 1984.
Guest:Cut in half.
Marc:It's cut in half.
Marc:It is?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Look at it.
Marc:It's half the book.
Marc:That's why I have that.
Marc:A friend and I were building shelves, and at that moment when he cut that book in half...
Marc:We laughed for like a half an hour.
Guest:I don't even know why.
Guest:That's really funny.
Guest:That book.
Guest:So if I had a good math mind, which I do not, what is the exact half of 1984?
Guest:Oh, 944.
Marc:944.
Marc:942.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Marc:No, 1984.
Marc:No, because 19.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I'm going to do this.
Guest:850.
Guest:There's five Asian guys listening to this that are already yelling at this right now.
Guest:950.
Guest:That's Rickles' way of looking at it.
Marc:950 plus... No, you don't have to do it.
Guest:I'm on my... 992.
Guest:Is that what you're going to stand by that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, you're right.
Guest:So what you've got sitting on that shelf right there is $9.92.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You don't have $19.84.
Guest:Now, if I'd have known that right off the bat, it wouldn't have made you laugh.
Guest:It wouldn't have meant anything.
Guest:But I wasted a good minute of this time that you can cut out.
Marc:But we were in such a good groove with the anger thing.
Marc:You said, I got to get rid of some of my baggage, and I got to...
Guest:You just have to move on quicker.
Guest:Move on quicker because you're really funny and talented and why not enjoy your life?
Guest:And then you draw people in and you can make money doing it.
Guest:People need to laugh, you know?
Marc:Does it feel good when you hurt somebody?
Marc:When you hurt somebody?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:No.
Guest:All right.
Guest:No, I feel really bad when I hurt somebody.
Guest:While you're doing it after.
Guest:It never feels good.
Guest:It feels like something, which is why we do it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We just want to feel something.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:We've had an effect.
Guest:Yeah, and it usually destroys stuff.
Guest:The only good thing about it is the resolve of it can be good.
Marc:And I'm not just talking like... If you don't do it over and over again.
Guest:I mean, if you really mean... And we do do it over again.
Guest:But I'm not just talking about in a relationship where there's payback sex, you know.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:Makeup sex.
Guest:But I'm talking about all relationships.
Guest:I know there are relationships that's hard to believe that aren't sexual.
Marc:Right.
Guest:I don't really have it.
Marc:With women?
Guest:With your mom.
Guest:But I don't really have it.
Guest:Mine's a little... It's hit or miss.
Guest:My mom, that's why I hit her or I miss her.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But my mom, you know, that's been a lot, eternal trying to understand.
Guest:There's nothing to forgive people that are who they are.
Guest:I mean, I guess it's forgiving, forgetting all that crap.
Guest:But I guess it was Jesus who said, I'll be here all week.
Guest:And he was wrong.
Guest:He was.
Guest:Disappointed a lot of people.
Guest:There was no second show.
Marc:Yeah, and then afterwards they spun that thing into a big, big business.
Marc:It's unbelievable.
Marc:Terrific.
Marc:Terrific.
Guest:Well, it's like Kennison used to say, I mean, if he comes back, you know, he used to say, oh, yeah, if I was Jesus, I couldn't wait to come back.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Remember this sound?
Guest:I can name that song in three notes.
Guest:Right?
Guest:He's the only saver that can whistle through his hand.
Marc:Yeah, I'll be back as soon as I can play the piano again.
Guest:He used to sit on another comedy store with like a fifth of Jack.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What was he drinking?
Marc:Black Label's Walker.
Marc:Jack Daniels or Fodka.
Guest:And he'd say to me, do you ever get depressed, Saget?
Guest:And I went, yeah, I mean, it was 2 a.m.
Guest:at the comedy store.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And he said, you ever get depressed, you come see me.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, that's going to solve it.
Guest:Wait, is he funny?
Guest:And that's all, you know, truth is, what are the two things Jesus said?
Guest:Is it the truth will set you free?
Marc:Did he say that one?
Marc:Someone said it.
Guest:He also said know thyself.
Marc:Yeah, to thine own self be true.
Marc:He didn't say know thyself?
Marc:Yeah, same thing.
Guest:Well, not exactly the same.
Guest:To thine own self be true.
Guest:To thine own self be true means be honest to yourself.
Guest:Know thyself means you get a good hour set and work on it.
Marc:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:Know your shit.
Marc:Know your shit.
Marc:Yeah, be real.
Marc:Keep it real.
Marc:Keep it real, bro.
Marc:Right on, man.
Marc:So we're talking about what's the thing?
Marc:Strange what?
Marc:Strange Days.
Marc:That's with Bob Saget on A&E.
Guest:Yeah, and that's coming up.
Marc:More will be revealed about that.
Guest:More will be revealed, and it'll be in its own time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's a really interesting show.
Guest:It sounds funny and good.
Guest:I hope so.
Guest:It feels good to me.
Guest:We've worked a lot on it.
Guest:We're still editing it.
Marc:All right.
Marc:And then you're touring from, when's that start?
Guest:It would be all fall through January, maybe February.
Guest:September?
Guest:I'm not sure.
Guest:Yep.
Guest:October, November.
Guest:And you got your shit together?
Guest:You got your hour?
Guest:What are you going to do, like an hour?
Guest:I have a new hour that I've been working on.
Guest:Who's opening for you?
Guest:I'll put it in.
Guest:I use different people.
Guest:Yeah, I do.
Guest:I just had James Smith, Ryan Stout.
Guest:I know that name.
Guest:I like Ryan Stout a lot.
Guest:He's very funny.
Guest:Where's he from?
Guest:He is from, where is he from?
Guest:We don't usually talk because we're just having sex.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Once the show ends.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:You put the gag in.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:A lot of that.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I plug all of his holes.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:One with your dick and then the other one.
Guest:No, I don't use my dick.
Marc:Oh, you don't?
Guest:No, it's all with alcohol dip rags.
Guest:Well, if you're going to set someone on fire.
Marc:Yeah, you just wave the light around.
Marc:What's the matter, opener?
Guest:Why didn't you want to sell my merch?
Guest:The opener didn't go out and sell my merch.
Marc:This is what you get.
Guest:This is why I didn't write another 20.
Guest:And then the other guy that I like a lot is Mike Young.
Guest:Take Mike out.
Guest:Solid guy.
Marc:Very solid, and he's got that upbeat energy.
Guest:Yeah, he's got a really good heart.
Marc:He has such a good heart, I almost thought he was Christian-y.
Guest:Yeah, and he's a Jewish guy.
Guest:Is he?
Guest:He does not look like a Jewish guy.
Guest:No.
Guest:And he's a boxer.
Guest:His upbringing is, he kind of just was a survival guy.
Guest:From Detroit, great family.
Guest:Nice guy.
Marc:Am I thinking of the guy?
Guest:No, you're thinking of Mike Young.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He has all the ideals in his eyes of a young kid.
Marc:Yeah, for a 40-year-old, that's not a bad thing to have.
Marc:Well, that's how you meet younger people.
Marc:All right, Bob, thanks for talking.
Marc:Thank you for having me, man.
Marc:You bet.
Marc:Okay, that's it.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:That was Bob Saget.
Marc:I hope in some ways a Bob Saget you have not known or didn't expect to know.
Marc:As I said, I will see you or I will talk to you a week from today, not on Thursday.
Marc:So don't go anywhere.
Marc:I'll be back in a week with the live show with David Cross.
Marc:And then we're going to take that next Thursday off.
Marc:I really can't accept the idea that we're taking any time off.
Marc:I'm saying that to myself as if I'm supposed to answer.
Marc:Well, Mark, you're just going to have to accept that.
Marc:It just feels weird to me.
Marc:What am I going to do?
Marc:I feel like I'm abandoning people.
Marc:Just relax.
Marc:They'll be there.
Marc:They're looking forward to the other show.
Marc:Fuck you, man.
Marc:Seriously, don't talk to me like that.
Marc:All right, let's end this.
Marc:As always, justcoffee.coop, wtfpodshop.com for the premium episodes, wtfpod.com for everything else.
Marc:Get on that mailing list.
Marc:Go to punchwinemagazine.com for their stuff, standuprecords.com for their stuff.
Marc:Look forward to Ira Glass, Sarah Silverman, Louis C.K.
Marc:in next week's episode with David Cross.
Marc:And I'll talk to you in a week, okay?
Marc:It's okay.
Marc:It's okay.
Marc:Right?