Episode 107 - Patton Oswalt, Doug Benson, El Chupacabra, Donald Glover, Eddie Pepitone
Guest:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:WTF?
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Welcome to live WTF at Bumper Shoot in Seattle, Washington!
Marc:Welcome to live WTF at Bumper Shoot in Seattle, Washington!
Marc:Yes!
Marc:How's everybody?
Marc:All right?
Marc:I've got some presents.
Marc:Let's do it right away.
Marc:I've got a few of these What the Fuck t-shirts.
Marc:What happened?
Marc:I think... Wait, wait, wait.
Marc:This is what I call the Nerdcock Nighty.
Marc:This is the Nerdcock t-shirt that I had a hard time selling, but in the large, it's a nice girl's nightgown.
Marc:Dude, that was cold, man.
Marc:That was cold-blooded.
Marc:I think I'm just going to throw a Just Coffee at you.
Marc:Now, I know this is sacrilege to have coffee from Madison, Wisconsin, here in Seattle, but this is just coffee, and I'm going to do it!
Marc:Boom!
Marc:Why are we people disappointed in that?
Marc:I mean, I threw it the best I could.
Marc:I got more shit.
Marc:I'll give it to you later.
Marc:I don't want to get hung up with it.
Marc:I forgot how big the room was and things we have to do.
Marc:We have an amazing show today.
Marc:We've got Patton Oswalt.
Marc:We've got...
Marc:Or as I like to call him, Prince Patton.
Marc:Little Prince Patton.
Marc:Doug Benson is here.
Marc:Donald Glover is here from the show community.
Marc:I heard that El Chupacabra is coming.
Marc:I know he's on the grounds.
Marc:I don't know if that's going to happen.
Marc:Maybe Eddie Pepitone, because apparently he's not scheduled, but he's here, and apparently someone hit him in the face yesterday.
Marc:Can you imagine how angry Eddie is about that and how wonderful it would be to have him share that story?
Marc:I'm having a great time here in Seattle at Bumper Chute.
Marc:I've consumed more shit in the last three days than I ever want to admit to.
Marc:I don't know how in my mind I decided that curly fries would be healthy.
Marc:No, because you see them like, look, he's shaving the potato with the machine.
Marc:It's organic.
Marc:It's just potato.
Marc:It's good for me.
Marc:And I ate, what else did I eat?
Marc:Holy shit, am I going to sit here and talk about what I ate?
Marc:No, I'm not going to fucking do that.
Marc:I saw Bob Dylan last night and I believe, yeah, I think he did a great selection of songs.
Marc:No, wasn't it great to see him, though?
Marc:I'm a Dylan fan.
Marc:I know a lot of people condescend to Dylan, but I love Bob Dylan.
Marc:And I love the fact that he is just being who he is now as opposed to trying to be who he was.
Marc:So he's literally made this weird choice to die on stage.
Marc:He doesn't care if he recognizes a song.
Marc:He knows he has a great band.
Marc:He's not going to try to be young or anything else.
Marc:He's just going to croak out those fucking songs to the best of his ability in a fairly detached way.
Marc:And if you get anything out of it, good for you.
Marc:If you don't, go fuck yourself.
Marc:I'm only doing this because I don't know what else to do with my life at this point.
Marc:How is that not respectable?
Marc:I just think it's great because you can actually sit there and you watch them and you're like, oh wait, and you're like, oh, is this that song?
Marc:And then like a minute and a half later, you're like, I think it is.
Marc:I think it... Yes, twist of fate.
Marc:He said twist of fate.
Marc:It's simple, twist of fate.
Marc:And then once you figure out what the song is, then you're like, this is a pretty good version of that.
Yeah.
Marc:But you have to go through some weird Dylan decoder in your head.
Marc:You're looking for fragments of lyrics.
Marc:And you're like, oh, I know, wait.
Marc:And then you don't always know the title of the song.
Marc:And then I sat there with someone going, it's... And you're trying to do the melody that was on the original song, not against the fucked up one that he's decided on.
Marc:And it's beautiful, though, to see him like that because he's literally like this apparition.
Marc:He's like this ghost of whatever everybody thought he represented.
Marc:I know that's deep, man.
Marc:That's fucking music critic talk.
Marc:But he is.
Marc:He's just decided, he's like, I'm this weird old vaudevillian now.
Marc:Like he comes out in his cowboy hat and his weird mustache and he's like, doing this thing?
Marc:And you just got to respect it.
Marc:I don't even know why, but I just like, I'm like, holy fuck, Bob Dylan's just fucking weird.
Marc:It's a weird old guy.
Marc:That was fun.
Marc:What else?
Marc:Okay, let's, I can't waste time.
Marc:We've only got an hour.
Marc:Okay, I want to read a couple emails from you guys.
Marc:The combination of Ron Schock and Rob Delaney have changed my life.
Marc:Now wait for this because this is a pretty good email.
Marc:I listened to both of them while drunk on separate nights.
Marc:I am an alcoholic who is experiencing pockets full of sobriety.
Marc:I have quite a bit of self-loathing.
Marc:I have always been dark and somewhat miserable, even in high school, when I was in very good physical shape and somewhat good-looking, but still hated myself and couldn't be in a relationship.
Marc:I am older now.
Marc:I am not in shape.
Marc:I am ugly."
Marc:I've had many suicidal thoughts recently because of my depression.
Marc:It makes me sure that I will die alone with no children.
Marc:It made me so terrified of death that I had trouble watching characters die in TV shows.
Marc:It's horrible.
Marc:The Rob Delaney episode reminded me of the depression that comes with alcoholism, especially during a relapse.
Marc:And the Ron Shock episode reminded me of a story I heard about Sam Kennison's death, as well as a story by a girl I know where she was in a horrible accident and she had an out-of-body experience where she was looking at her wrecked car in a tree with one of her friends who had recently died.
Marc:And he told her that it was not her time to die.
Marc:I pressed her and she would not stray from the fact that it was totally real.
Marc:Between the reassurance of Delaney and the thoughts are a byproduct of not drinking at the time and all the examples of connections to an afterlife, it reminds me that suicide is not the way to go and that life has good points.
Marc:If you can't tell by now, I do stand-up comedy.
Thank you.
Marc:You know, it's like, it was so worth the wait.
Marc:Subject line, superhumans.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Just watch Stan Lee's Superhumans on the History Channel, and I know you aren't a big superhero fan, but comic book heroics aside, some of that shit on that show was fucking crazy.
Marc:The human body and mind never cease to amaze, which reminds me, I would still lick Marisa Tomei's asshole.
Marc:She just never looks unedible.
Marc:There's an ongoing issue I have with Asians not liking me.
Marc:Those of you who listen to the show know it's my problem, it's not an Asian problem.
Marc:I've decided that they don't understand my neurotic, needy sense of humor, and I don't know what the fuck they think is funny, and it just equals a very disconnected, uncomfortable thing.
Marc:And then this guy writes me this email.
Marc:Chinese people have a sense of humor.
Marc:Mark Maron, 100th episode, read Chinese humor.
Marc:5,000 years of linear history, and you think they might not have a sense of humor?
Marc:Disclosure, I am a Canadian white guy.
Marc:I speak Chinese.
Marc:Lived in China.
Marc:I'm married to a Taiwanese woman.
Marc:No Asian fetish.
Marc:You won't believe that, but whatever.
Marc:Anyway, Chinese people are really funny.
Marc:There's the everyday stuff that is about interpersonal relationships that's very funny.
Marc:Relationships between people are the most important thing in Chinese society and can be fodder for some real misunderstandings.
Marc:Because it's a tonal language, there are many possible meanings for one syllable.
Marc:Ma, for example, could mean mother, horse, marijuana, scold, etc.,
Marc:Depending on how you say it.
Marc:So there is a form where two guys talk to each other and misunderstand each other based on those kind of puns.
Marc:It's like who's on first, but without the conceit of someone being named who.
Marc:Those jokes can be pretty high-minded, but the puns will permeate the whole language and hack jokes in interesting ways.
Marc:Also, Chinese people have a great slang in... I don't know how to say that.
Marc:In X-I-A-N?
Marc:What's that?
Marc:Sean?
Marc:All right.
Marc:For example, there's a way to say a woman has nice eyes by saying she has nice eye holes.
Marc:That's funny.
Marc:Yes, I do agree.
Marc:That is funny.
Marc:Or...
Marc:Or in Beijing, they use the word bai, which means pussy.
Marc:Shabai means stupid pussy, like stupid cunt, which is self-explanatory.
Marc:Niubai means cow's pussy, which means something really great.
Marc:Or cool.
Marc:So at a soccer game, for example, when the player does something good, they chant cow's pussy.
Marc:And when the player screws up, they all chant stupid cunt.
Marc:That's pretty funny.
Marc:It's not really your humor, and I don't think the dark, depressing, self-obsessed Chinese comedian exists or will exist ever.
Marc:But whatever.
Marc:Chinese people are funny.
Marc:You have a great podcast, James.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Keep it going for James.
Thank you.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I just wanted to bring attention to the man who took hostages at the Discovery Channel was shot like an idiot.
Marc:He had a manifesto.
Marc:Did you hear that news story?
Marc:He didn't kill anybody, but he got killed.
Marc:He took hostages because he thought the Discovery Channel was misrepresenting the world.
Marc:And that in order for it to do its job, it needed to tell the world that people should stop have fucking babies because everything is overpopulated.
Marc:And I just wanted to read a little because I want to talk to Patton about it.
Marc:Because he's pretty funny.
Marc:And we used to like this kind of stuff.
Marc:This is the manifesto of James Lee.
Marc:The Discovery Channel must broadcast to the world their commitment to save the planet and do the following immediately.
Marc:All right, basically he says, the Discovery Channel and its affiliate channels must have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn's My Ishmael, pages 207 to 212.
Marc:Some of you know that book.
Marc:I had to do a little research.
Marc:But apparently the book is basically an argument saying that humans aren't that great and they are the worst thing on the planet compared to other species.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So he says to pages 207 to 12 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way the industrial revolution was done by people building on each other's inventive ideas.
Marc:Focus must be given on how people can live without giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution.
Marc:a game show format contest would be in order.
Marc:So I wanted to get Patton's ideas on what the game would be, but...
Marc:But I just wanted to read the closer because this guy is fucking nuts, obviously.
Marc:He hates people.
Marc:He's racist and weird a bit.
Marc:I can't read the whole thing because we've got to do this.
Marc:But towards the end, he goes, saving the environment and the remaining species diversity of the planet is now your mindset.
Marc:I like that's how he's given instructions.
Marc:He's not having suggestions.
Marc:He's like, I've done it now.
Marc:You know what you need to do.
Marc:has been decided this is your mindset.
Marc:Then he writes, nothing is more important than saving them.
Marc:The lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, froggies,
Marc:Turtles, apes, raccoons, beetles, ants, sharks, bears, and of course the squirrels Please welcome Patton Oswalt to the stage Hi
Guest:Oh, my goodness.
Marc:Remember when we used to sit around and just laugh and laugh at serial killers and lunatics?
Guest:I feel like I'm in Travis Bickle's apartment with all this weird paper and highlighter pen and a flashing cell phone.
Guest:Yeah, well...
Guest:A couple of things.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:Good to see you.
Marc:Did the helicopter bring you in?
Guest:How'd you get in?
Guest:Had a on land, a dry land dog sled.
Guest:Good for you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Brad Pitt told me about it.
Guest:It's a new thing.
Guest:You'll read about it in touch next week.
Marc:I was just making fun of him because we all got on the same plane together.
Marc:And when we got off to get on the shuttle back to the hotel, Patton had his own special shuttle.
Guest:No, I hired a car because I have a tiny baby, and I had to have a car seat, and you can't put a car seat in a van.
Guest:That's a fucking shitty excuse.
Marc:Because I care about... Your child?
Marc:My child, yeah, I do.
Marc:Not the approval of your fellow comics?
Guest:When did that not become... Oh, I also don't want feature acts breathing on her.
Guest:I want to have a nice, sealed... You know what I'm talking about, so...
Guest:Okay, the game show – by the way, this is hilarious, but as I was backstage, we were all laughing, and then you could feel the kind of weird ambivalence.
Guest:Just probably – I'm just imagining your typical listener and fan is going, well, this guy got his manifesto written in the podcast.
Guest:I've got to step this up.
Guest:You know, like, why am I handing out pamphlets at the Glendale Galleria?
Guest:I've got to –
Guest:I've got to go buy a shotgun and get down to Chuck E. Cheese's and leave a manifesto before the police cut me in two.
Marc:Email it to Maren.
Guest:And email it to Maren.
Guest:I'll get that.
Guest:That should be a new feature.
Guest:Send me your manifesto.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:Maren reads your manifesto.
Marc:Oh, I don't know.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:I'd much rather the manifesto of depression and suicidal ruminations than, I've got a plan.
Guest:Marin, I've got a plan.
Guest:Oh, Marin will get those angsty Kafka-esque tones to it.
Guest:No offense, but when you read this, it kind of makes sense.
Guest:Of course it makes sense.
Guest:In your voice.
Guest:Of course it makes sense.
Guest:When I was reading this on paper, I was like, this is completely bug shit.
Guest:But now, in your voice, it's like, oh, yeah, the froggies and the sharks.
Marc:Yeah, because I thought that would get a much bigger laugh, but people were like, yes.
Guest:Yeah, that's...
Guest:Froggies are special.
Guest:Waiting for the punchline.
Guest:This makes perfect sense.
Marc:This always makes sense.
Marc:And like you were saying, Kaczynski would be jealous.
Marc:I mean, the Unabomber had a lot of points, too.
Marc:This is what protest, if you mean it, looks like.
Guest:Yeah, it is true.
Marc:And also, may I just say... It's like, who's willing to take this risk, all you people, with your signs and your causes?
Marc:Why don't you go fucking do something?
Guest:All right.
Guest:Let me...
Guest:And they should literally freeze frame your face and then put a Papa John's pizza thing right down there.
Guest:This, by the way, just look at the way it's typed here.
Guest:Last sentence, first paragraph, all caps.
Guest:Make it interesting so people watch and apply solutions for exclamation points.
Guest:Go check out Mark's Twitter feed when he tells you to download the latest podcast.
Guest:All caps.
Guest:Do it.
Guest:A lot of exclamation points.
Guest:Same syntax.
Marc:Look, I've always thought that I could be a leader of people.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, I think I have the charisma to do it.
Marc:I just lack the vision, Patton.
Marc:And, like, you don't want to amass, like, say, 10,000 people, stand in front of them as they're chanting your name and go, so what do you guys want to do?
Yeah.
Guest:And also, I imagine you're also the kind of, like, Jim Jones could hang out with his people all day, and you would want to give them introductions for 10 minutes and go, all right, I've got to go read.
Guest:I have a new Harper's and a beanbag chair.
Guest:Can I just see you guys tomorrow at this time?
Marc:No, what would happen with me is, like, Jim Jones would hang out with his followers all day, and they'd be so happy that he would be hanging out with them.
Marc:If I hung out with my fans all day, about 15 or 20 minutes in, they'd be like, fuck, he's really like this.
Yeah, they...
Marc:It's not an act.
Guest:I'm like, I'm exhausted.
Guest:I can't do this, man.
Marc:Is he just going to talk about his fucking non-existent fat for an hour?
Guest:I just wanted him to sign his CD, and now he needs a ride to my apartment.
Guest:Why does he want to go to my apartment?
Guest:You know, the only way the game show would work, by the way, everything like this is you got to do it celebrity fit club style, where basically you get a lot of C-list celebrities and then they spend the week just sitting with like a laptop on there doing things to kill sperm.
Guest:And then they come in and then they jerk off on whoever has the lowest sperm count goes to the next round.
Guest:In other words, whoever is going to produce the least amount of children.
Guest:And then somehow Jeff Conaway will win the whole thing.
Guest:So that's probably how it would work.
Marc:Yeah, I couldn't figure out what exactly – how he was picturing it because he's basically saying that no more people can be born.
Marc:And I'm not sure that he's even against killing existing people.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Although this is the age we're living in.
Guest:Even a lunatic has a TV show pitch.
Marc:He has – he does have a treatment for a TV show.
Marc:And right now at some other network, maybe not Discovery, there's a couple of guys going, look, I know they killed the guy, but let's really think about –
Guest:Because people love this shit And we can do it and we can make it funny We signed Dunkleman We gotta do something with him What can he host?
Marc:This is perfect for him because he's edgy He hates things but people like him Yeah he's so cuddly No one knows who Dunkleman is I know I'm sorry that feels horrible I barely know who he is
Marc:So what are you doing?
Marc:You're just out sort of with the Remember Me on Patent Tour?
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:It's the Spence and Spence Ability Tour.
Guest:And I'm pretty excited.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And no one knows.
Marc:Sorry, I snuck a shot in when we were getting along.
Marc:I apologize.
Guest:You can't resist.
Guest:We're like red ant, black ant.
Guest:No, but we were doing so good.
Guest:I thought we got this all out of our system.
Guest:I do.
Guest:You know, on Friday flying in.
Marc:No, I didn't mean to do anything.
Guest:You know, I'm just... I didn't say anything mean to you sitting here.
Guest:I know, I don't understand it.
Guest:Lisa Loeb paying you to keep her glasses fashionable.
Guest:I wasn't saying that.
Guest:I wanted to come out and have fun.
Marc:And then I ruined it a little.
Marc:Yeah, a little bit.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:I love what you do.
Marc:I see...
Guest:How's the career going, Slutter?
Marc:You know, I see you have a lot of CDs out.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:You're like if Don DeLillo wrote Joe Franklin.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:That's how it would totally go.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:No one.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I figured I'd get one side of the room with either one of those.
Marc:With Don DeLillo or Joe Franklin?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You lost on both counts.
Guest:Or, again, when people are going, yes, that's exactly what he would be like.
Marc:You know what I think you're reacting to is that, like, Don DeLuca's last book, the newest one, I can't fucking understand it.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:I think most people were really just uncomfortable when he said his name.
Marc:They all knew who he was, but they felt guilty for not understanding his most recent book.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:See the laugh of recognition?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What was it called?
Marc:Infinity something?
Marc:Does anyone know?
Marc:I guess I was really wrong.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:Don Delo, probably one of the greatest writers of the 20th century.
Marc:We'll be right back.
Marc:There's this idea that the audiences are smarter up here.
Guest:No, no, they are, but when you're that smart, you choose not to laugh at things.
Guest:When you're at that level, you just kind of go, nope, I'm going to wait.
Marc:I've got to bring another guest out.
Marc:Can I ask a general question, though?
Marc:Because I've been to Seattle a lot, and I do like it.
Marc:I go to Pikes Market, and I have fried scallops at that counter behind the fish place.
Marc:But I need to ask a personal question of the people of Seattle.
Marc:Is it a little sluggish up here?
Marc:Like, I mean... Like, do you find... I just don't know.
Marc:Like, because I found myself doing this a lot.
Marc:Like, what the fuck is taking so long?
Marc:And you're watching the person do whatever you're having them do.
Marc:Like, maybe get a coffee.
Marc:You're like, really?
Marc:I mean, how the fuck is this taking so long?
Marc:And then you realize, like, maybe when you live here for a while, you just sort of adapt to this other time zone that just takes a while.
Marc:Is that... Did you...
Marc:Is that true or am I making that up?
Guest:Yeah, I noticed we stopped at a couple of stands and, like, you know, they take time making your food, but then they make – like, they can make giving you napkins seem artisanal.
Guest:Like, they're doing something, another – we'll give you napkins, but we do another level with it.
Guest:You know what I mean?
That's true.
Marc:Handlebar mustaches?
Marc:No.
Marc:Bad.
Marc:That's another thing.
Marc:I don't even know if I talked about that, but I saw one the other day.
Marc:I know I'm doing this, so I'm a little hypocritical, but this is more of a sort of like, you know, kind of biker hard thing, you know, civil war, you know, nothing that I am.
Marc:But I like to think I'm pulling it off.
Marc:How do we live in a world where a guy can come up to you with one of them curly mustaches and go, what's up?
Marc:And you not go, what's up with me?
Marc:Why don't you fucking go home?
Marc:Look at yourself.
Marc:You're wearing a fedora and you have a fucking handlebar mustache.
Marc:Get rid of one of them, you fucking idiot.
Marc:You needy freak.
Guest:Yeah, but you know, what's good is it's so tolerant up here that a lot of guys, they get cut off at the knees.
Guest:I saw a guy, I was walking up first street today, a guy in a gorilla costume and a basketball jersey was waiting at the bus stop.
Guest:And you can tell inside the gorilla head he's going...
Guest:I'm blowing people's minds.
Guest:And nobody paid attention to him.
Guest:And then he has to sit in this sweaty bus going, oh, I got the gorilla thing on.
Guest:I got to get home somehow.
Guest:And no one cares.
Guest:And it was so beautiful.
Guest:Just smelling his own breath inside his head.
Guest:Which is, yeah, actually, that's probably symbolic for a lot of, like, would-be freaks.
Guest:They're just symbolically sewn inside of a gorilla costume and no one's shocked.
Guest:And that's their life.
Marc:I think I may be that.
Guest:I tattooed the mousetrap game on my back and no one reacted when I went down to Bumbershoot.
Marc:This is retarded.
Marc:It'd be awesome if he killed himself wearing the costume.
Marc:People would notice that if a gorilla just went, fuck it!
Marc:Because you'd have to fucking laugh.
Marc:And then you'd be like, oh shit, there was a dude in there.
Marc:Patton Oswalt, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage, you move down one, and in your seat comes Doug Benson.
Marc:Doug Benson from the I Love Movies podcast and Super High Me.
Marc:God, if you say that fast, it means super Jew slang.
Marc:Super High Me.
Marc:Anyone ever bring that up?
Guest:Yeah, every time I do a radio show, they bring that up.
Marc:Are you serious?
Guest:Yeah, because when you start thinking in that head, it's just on the radio.
Marc:Every time I say something to you on my podcast, you're going, oh, really?
Marc:We're going to talk about weed?
Guest:No, I'll talk about it.
Guest:What do you want?
Guest:Oh, I see.
Guest:I always disagree with everything you bring up.
Marc:I've told this story three times outside of your presence, because I saw you at the gym yesterday.
Marc:I went to the gym to run on the treadmill.
Guest:Yeah, and you saw me in there, and you were like, this probably doesn't happen very often.
Marc:Well, no, but I saw you get on an elliptical, which is, as far as gym machines go, a pretty fun one, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, it's the one where I can watch TV and look at my phone and read a magazine.
Marc:I was so happy Doug Benson was getting some exercise.
Marc:But then I watched the pace you were going and I literally thought in my head that there was a choice on the elliptical that was like, you know, manual, Hills, stoner.
Marc:Because, like, you didn't change your fucking pace.
Marc:It was literally like... And I kept thinking he's just warming up, but you stayed at that pace.
Guest:I put it on the... I was the hardest level.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:There was the most tension at that level.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:I had it on the hardest.
Guest:It goes all the way up to 25.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:I had it maxed out.
Guest:And I did it for an hour.
Guest:He was learning patience, Mark.
Guest:That's what the pace he was at.
Guest:He was learning patience.
Guest:He was on the journey, not the destination setting.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Which they have here in Seattle, so...
Guest:Yeah, the gym has a really nice view, so I was just like, I'm going to do this for a long time with no effort, just so I could stare out the window.
Marc:I was waiting to get on the Stairmaster, trying not to be angry about it, because before you came, they were all filled up.
Marc:Not a Stairmaster, the treadmill.
Marc:So I'm just sitting there seething.
Guest:It's a busy hotel gym.
Marc:Yeah, and the woman finally gets off, and that's right when you walked in.
Marc:So I go to get on the treadmill right when she's walking away, and I get on, and she goes, don't you want me to wipe it down?
Marc:I'm like, fuck, okay.
Marc:Yeah, wipe it down if you need to wipe it down so bad.
Marc:Watch your gutter mouth.
Guest:Sounds horrible.
Guest:Want me to wipe it?
Guest:Wipe isn't a word you should ever say in anger or frustration.
Guest:Wipe it!
Guest:Do it!
Guest:So I said, yeah, wipe it down.
Marc:You let her wipe it?
Marc:Well, yeah, because she was angry.
Marc:She was angry.
Marc:And she so immediately exuded weird control freak fucking chaos.
Guest:Because you're standing there, and it's taking too long for her to wipe it down by your...
Marc:No, but she comes back with a wipe.
Marc:And she goes, well, thanks for wiping it down.
Marc:She goes, yeah, I mean, catching a staph infection is not fun.
Marc:And I couldn't understand what she was telling me.
Marc:You know, like, Jesus, I'm sorry you have staph just kind of exuding out of you, just kind of permeating your pores.
Guest:Yeah, she sweats staph infection.
Guest:Yeah, she's dripping with staph infection.
Guest:I'd be like, staph infection?
Guest:I don't care about the people that work here.
Guest:I'm asking about... God.
Guest:Someone have her, you know, rub up against a terrorist or something.
Guest:She was wasting her.
Marc:She was just nuts.
Marc:I've seen a couple.
Marc:Like last night, there was... You ever been... You were Dylan, right?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Oh, I want to say something about Dylan.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Can I just really quick... Were you also paralyzed by the mean politeness?
Guest:Because that always... Here?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, the passive aggressive politeness?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Let me get the door for you, asshole.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:It's people that say thank you when they mean fuck you.
Marc:Like, thank you.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Excuse me.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You're welcome.
Marc:Pardon.
Marc:I saw a woman dancing angrily at Bob Dylan last night.
Marc:Like, she must have been like 50, in between 50 and 60, and she was alone.
Marc:And she was just like, she was rocking.
Marc:She was like doing that.
Marc:But she was staring off into a distance that I couldn't, you know, it was like this weird thousand yard stare where she was just like...
Marc:And I realized it was like literally like what she was putting off was like, yeah, I look weird and fucked up, but don't you judge me because I don't give a fuck.
Marc:I'm dancing my old ass off.
Marc:Did you enjoy the show?
Marc:Loved it.
Guest:It was good, right?
Guest:Because it was fun to guess what the songs were.
Guest:Some were stumpers.
Guest:There was like one stumper.
Guest:But the thing that cracked me up is the big headliner shows here at Bumbershoot is this big memorial stadium full of people.
Guest:And they're all age groups, all demographics.
Guest:It even skews pretty young considering it's for Bob Dylan.
Guest:And he comes out, and the first song he does is Everybody Must Get Stoned.
Guest:And that is like, that is a slam dunk to say to an audience in that stadium, Everybody Must Get Stoned.
Guest:If they could tell what he was saying, they would have gone ape shit.
Guest:But instead, instead, they're hearing a song they don't know, because it's from forever ago.
Guest:And then he goes...
Guest:And people don't cheer for the afflicted.
Guest:So instead, I was just like, okay, this is all right.
Guest:We can listen to this for a while.
Guest:Nobody left.
Guest:Everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Marc:I felt like I couldn't leave.
Marc:There was literally this moment where I'm like, we should leave.
Guest:And it's like, but he might die.
Guest:That would suck.
Guest:Like, did you see when Bob Dylan died?
Guest:No, I left.
Guest:Oh, so Motley was on, and they just have a more fun vibe, more weed in the crowd.
Guest:Is there a song pool going somewhere?
Guest:What will he be singing when he drops?
Guest:There is now.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:I just kept saying if he busts out some traveling Wilburys, I'm in for the whole thing.
Guest:But I guess he can't play that because everybody else is.
Marc:It looks like the treat did happen.
Marc:And I have no idea why he's up here.
Marc:But one of the prominent and most important influential Latino radio personalities in the country is here in Seattle.
Marc:El Chupacabra, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:No, you'll be all right down there.
Marc:How are you doing, El Chupacabra?
Guest:Very good, Mark Mara.
Guest:How are you tonight?
Marc:I'm good, man.
Marc:Why are you up here in Seattle?
Guest:For the WTF protest.
Marc:For the protest?
Guest:I have a huge puppet that is just burning a hole in my garage.
Marc:You're here for the protest?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Isn't it amazing how many people have children at the concerts?
Guest:It's amazing how many children are here.
Guest:Parton, how are you?
Guest:I'm very good.
Guest:Great to see you, Chupacabra.
Marc:Have you seen any shows?
Marc:Can they see this over radio?
Marc:No, I'll tell them what's happening.
Marc:El Chupacabra is putting up his bare leg and he's got white loafers on with white socks.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And you cannot see the tiny portobello mushroom that is going in my pants currently.
Guest:Because it is white.
Guest:It is whiter than it is long.
Marc:You're talking about your pork battled mushroom?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Isn't there a name for that, the whiter than long?
Marc:Si.
Marc:Yeah, what is that name?
Marc:My dick.
Guest:Pato, what is wrong with you?
Guest:Do you have a cold?
Guest:I just have a little bit of a cough, but it's nothing serious.
Guest:Is that Seattle cold?
Guest:Yeah, I guess.
Guest:I mean, I came up here with it, so I don't think it's Seattle.
Guest:You cannot make lemons out of shitty comedy.
Guest:Is that the same?
Guest:If life gives you city comedy, just give up?
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Go to theater.
Marc:Did you go to any shows?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Did you see Bob Dylan?
Guest:No, I went to see Bob Dylan, but this old Egyptian woman with the cowboy hat came out instead.
Guest:I did not write that joke.
Guest:It was given to me.
Guest:But I will take credit for it.
Guest:Like you did with Texas.
Guest:Did you see all the babies?
Guest:Yes, there were lots of babies around.
Guest:Get by some babies!
Guest:That's what I do.
Guest:I run around the festival and I see little babies in strollers and I go to them and I say, ¿Qué pasa, baby?
Guest:¿Qué pasa, baby?
Guest:And they say, cuckoo, gaga, lo que sea.
Guest:And then I walk away.
Guest:I throw tomatoes at them.
Guest:Because they are mushy like baby skulls.
Guest:But you have a new baby, isn't that right?
Guest:Yes, indeed I do.
Guest:All right, coming up next on Comics Unleashed.
Marc:What's coming up?
Guest:Maceo!
Guest:Maceo!
Marc:What is with this stopping in the middle of setup?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You know what it is?
Guest:I want to talk about who the show is sponsored by, right?
Guest:Okay, yeah, go ahead.
Guest:We have not talked about it.
Guest:It's Amp Energy.
Guest:Energy juice.
Guest:Amp Energy juice.
Guest:100% juice.
Guest:That's not a lie.
Guest:Naturally and artificially flavored 100% juice blend from concentrate.
Guest:And get ready for it.
Guest:Other ingredients.
Marc:Other ingredients.
Marc:Eric, I got this email.
Marc:Maybe you can... I know you have some feelings about this.
Marc:The subject line is, just what the world needs, another Jew comedian.
Guest:Oh!
Marc:Mark, why is it that every comedian these days seems to be of the Jewish persuasion?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And why do we have to pay $3 for each bonus episode?
Marc:When was the last time you had to pay for a bonus anything, Mark?
Marc:Alimony doesn't count as a bonus either, not for you at least.
Marc:So please stop trying to Jew us out of what little money we have left and think about the kids in Africa who listen to you on their stolen iPods religiously.
Marc:Yours, insincerely, Ben, in Australia.
Guest:So, for me to understand this, this is an anti-Semite who cannot get enough juice.
Guest:Basically, that's the idea.
Guest:This is my kind of guy.
Guest:Did you write the email, Pato?
Marc:No, I did not.
Marc:That was actually a real email.
Marc:Do you know this fellow, oh my, I just became David Letterman, fellow?
Marc:Do you know Donald?
Marc:Donald Glover?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You have questions for him?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:You want to bring him out?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:You bring him out.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen him on Comunidad.
Guest:Los videos de Derry Comedy, please welcome to the stage, Donna Glover!
Marc:I guess you can sit down there.
Marc:We're going.
Marc:It's different tonight.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Yeah, we're going to co-host with El Chupacabra.
Guest:El Chupacabra.
Guest:I want to be intro that way forever.
Guest:You can travel with it.
Guest:Okay, can I ask my question?
Guest:Yeah, go ahead.
Guest:What's it like to be the only black person in a city?
Guest:That's not true.
Guest:Drake is here.
Guest:But he's a half-Jew bastard.
Guest:You did write that letter.
Guest:I wrote the email, Mark.
Guest:You wrote the Mark Graham letter.
Guest:Seriously, no, no.
Guest:What is it like?
What is it like?
Guest:It's pretty, it was funny because me and Joe, Mandy were walking, like when we came in and I, we stopped at a gas station to get some gum and I got some Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was walking down the street and you guys are ahead of me.
Guest:Like walking down the street, we were in here and then I was eating the Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Guest:I was like, I gotta put this away.
Guest:Someone's gonna think I'm gonna rob them.
Guest:It was like Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Guest:I was the only one.
Guest:It's interesting.
Guest:I've never really been that way.
Guest:It wasn't like threatening.
Guest:It was just interesting.
Guest:What, you thought that people would judge you for the Flaming Hot Cheetos?
Guest:Oh, absolutely.
Guest:It's a badass snack.
Guest:Is it a badass snack?
Guest:They only sell them at certain gas stations.
Guest:We weren't at a good gas station.
Guest:I didn't buy them at Whole Foods.
Guest:They weren't organic Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Guest:Flaming Hot Cheetos are the fried chicken of the aughts.
Guest:God, I'm old.
Guest:I miss that whole stereotype.
Marc:I think we outgrew it or something.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I know when I was in New York, I couldn't find them in Manhattan.
Guest:And when I moved to Queens, it was like, hey, they're in the water.
Marc:So you're saying this is basically a conspiracy to keep certain blacks out of Manhattan with flaming hot Cheetos.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:That's the reason we don't move to Manhattan.
Guest:I can't walk to a corner store and get this and some homes.
Guest:Yeah, that's exactly right.
Guest:What about grape drink?
Guest:You want me to say I like it?
Guest:Yeah, it's fine.
Guest:Could I have a bag of diabetes, please?
Guest:Is there any foods that you miss up here, Chupacabra?
Guest:Being in Seattle, what do you miss?
Guest:Dasani water.
Guest:Any foods that don't sound funny when you say that?
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Please.
Marc:Let's see.
Marc:What the?
Marc:Here, wait, I'll ask a regular question.
Marc:You can think of the next funny thing.
Guest:Okay, okay.
Guest:I just haven't had enough of my amp energy juice.
Marc:Here, why don't you, if you're going to sell shit, sell Just Coffee.
Guest:Oh, this good Just Coffee.
Guest:Do you like comic books and not being able to drink alcohol anymore?
Yes.
Guest:Try the reanimator.
Guest:Rich, smoky, and slightly spicy.
Guest:Like our two-week relationship.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:So, Donald, are you living mostly in Los Angeles now?
Guest:I live in Los Angeles now, yeah.
Marc:And you grew up in New York City?
Guest:I mean, I was there for like seven years, and my parents are from there, but I grew up in Atlanta.
Marc:Now, I read that you... Did you start writing at 30 Rock when you were 12?
Guest:I was 22, yeah.
Guest:How the hell did that happen?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I hate telling comedians how it happened because I literally got an email.
Guest:Go fuck yourself.
Guest:No, yeah.
Guest:Is that why you hate telling us how it happened?
Guest:Yeah, I got an email.
Guest:They were like, hey, we're looking for writers.
Guest:We heard your name, and I sent them my script.
Guest:They just heard your name?
Guest:I was working at UCB, and I think Amy told Tina that this guy writes, and then I had a script.
Marc:Wow, that's a rough story.
Marc:You're going to be all right?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I know, I know.
Guest:Isn't that heartbreaking?
Guest:You have to write a really good script, Mark.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Was it just the email?
Guest:We heard you're good.
Guest:I am.
Guest:Sold.
Guest:Put it on the air.
Guest:Wow, man.
Guest:Mark, you're not hitting yourself.
Guest:I don't have email.
Guest:That's what's been holding me back.
Guest:Got to get a Gmail account.
Okay.
Guest:Man, that's tough, man.
Guest:Yeah, but for the interview, they said, what kind of Cheetos did you like?
Guest:Not Flaming Hot, I said.
Marc:No, you have the job.
Marc:So, now, I found Chevy Chase to be really annoying and sort of an asshole.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Guest:Wow, the first hardball of the day.
Guest:Don't worry, Chevy Chase does not know what the internet is.
Guest:No, seriously, this is a true story.
Guest:One time we were on set and he was like, you guys never send me any emails.
Guest:And I was like, that's not true, we send you stuff all the time.
Guest:And I shit you not, he goes, yeah, but my email's in New York.
Guest:That's how old he is.
Guest:He thinks it's only at that thing.
Guest:He's like, I can only check it on my TV in New York.
Marc:And then he made a silly face and dropped something.
Guest:Oh, for the radio listeners at home, Mark has just dropped something in the face.
Guest:That made a silly face, a Chevy Chase face.
Guest:And he did the closest thing that his Jew face could do to be Chevy Chase.
Marc:Look, I didn't mean to say anything.
Marc:Look, I just had a bad experience with him.
Marc:What was your experience with him, Mark?
Marc:I did that roast on Comedy Central at Chevy Chase, and he couldn't have been more rude and nasty and ugly.
Guest:I thought you were going to say I saw Cops and Robertson.
Guest:I'm allowed to do it.
Guest:We're friends.
Guest:Now, was he mean to all of you, or was he specifically mean to each person when you were doing it?
Marc:No, he took us all aside and said horrible things to each of us.
Marc:No, he was just like he couldn't understand why there was nobody he knew roasting him because the blind side that he has is that no one fucking likes him.
Marc:So he was sitting there going, we're the people I know.
Marc:No one wanted to come, Chevy.
Marc:These are the people that were desperate enough.
Marc:For the air?
Marc:To roast you.
Marc:And that launched Lisa Lampanelli that night.
Guest:The queen of mean!
Guest:I wouldn't think this guy, this stupacabra thing was real if he wasn't sitting right there in front of me.
Guest:I'd be like, oh, this is just like a character on a podcast.
Guest:Oh, no, no, no.
Guest:No, he's right there.
Guest:Look at his full head of hair!
Marc:If you listen to some of the other podcasts, I've had long conversations about politics, children, marriage with El Chupacabra.
Guest:All the major points.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And he has something to say on all of them.
Marc:Yes.
Guest:I am the Lenny Bruce of Latin Stereotype Podcast personalities.
Guest:Ask him about something that's terrible.
Guest:Oh, he's terrible?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Really offensive.
Guest:9-11 was an awful thing.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:The lesson from 9-11 was show up late to work.
Guest:Yeah, so Donald...
Marc:You're on the show Community.
Marc:Do you like the show because is it just him that you like or do you like the whole show?
Marc:Joel McHale.
Marc:They like the show.
Guest:It's excellent in general.
Guest:It's a good show.
Guest:It's so joke dense.
Guest:It's actually kind of amazing.
Marc:If I deconstructed that statement, Patton, that could go either way.
Guest:No, I mean, it reminds me, I was telling Donald, like seasons three, four, and five of The Simpsons when they would just cram as many jokes as they could but still tell an actual human story, which is actually very hard to do in a half-hour format, and they really do pull it off.
Guest:Dan's really good at it.
Marc:That's awesome.
Marc:And is this something you're going to – are you doing – because I heard – what was the Twitter thing where there was a grassroots campaign to make you Spider-Man?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:There was a –
Guest:Yeah, they wanted to make him Spider-Man.
Guest:He had nothing to do with it.
Guest:They wanted to tie him down.
Guest:Control him.
Guest:Wear the outfit.
Guest:Wear it.
Guest:No, you're going to make you Spider-Man.
Guest:Who started that campaign?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:See, a lot of newspapers will say I did.
Guest:A blog said I should be it, and then somebody said it.
Guest:And then on Twitter, tongue-in-cheek was like, yeah, let's make me the next Spider-Man.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then half people were like, that's awesome.
Guest:And the other half were like, let's lynch him.
Yeah.
Guest:They wanted to link Spider-Man.
Guest:Using his own web.
Guest:I have a theory.
Guest:A lot of comic book fans are in the Klan.
Guest:I should say that, so.
Marc:Buy just coffee.
Marc:Did you get emails of people that were like, Spider-Man cannot be black?
Marc:Oh, I got emails.
Guest:I got texts.
Guest:I got all crazy stuff.
Guest:But serious comic book fans were serious about it.
Guest:If you go to my IMDb page, all the stuff is just like, you fucking... Really?
Guest:Yeah, you can't be Spider-Man.
Marc:Tell us some of the bad ones.
Guest:Like...
Guest:oh well there was um literally the day that happened it came it was on you on yahoo yeah that day that happened some dude on twitter like i blocked him i don't know who it was but some dude was just like you he was like really creepy like you yeah you can't be spider-man and then i was like i just wrote back hello
Guest:I wrote that ironically.
Guest:I was being ironic when I wrote that.
Guest:Irony doesn't come through in an email.
Guest:He just kept writing stuff.
Guest:You can't be Spider-Man.
Guest:Which I don't get.
Guest:If Spider-Man was a novel, if it didn't have pictures, would you really think a poor kid who lives in Queens whose uncle got shot in the street was white?
Guest:Would you really think that?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:If it had no pictures.
Marc:Yeah, there was a similar argument for Jesus being black.
Guest:And plus he's wearing that tight suit and there's barely a bulge there.
Marc:You should maybe take on these racist people who are critics of you becoming Spider-Man as Spider-Man and challenge them.
Guest:I mean, but nerds are serious.
Guest:That's the thing.
Guest:Nerds are serious about their shit.
Marc:So you're saying these are racist nerds?
Guest:I mean, yeah, I hope so.
Marc:I knew there was something.
Guest:They're just sticklers, that's all.
Marc:Oh, is that what you call them?
Guest:They're like, he's always been white, so he should continue to be white.
Guest:You got to take on the Green Goblin of Prejudice.
Guest:That's what you need to do here.
Guest:I don't think they're racist.
Guest:I think they just want their things to be the way they are in the comics, which is like with everything.
Guest:Pure and white.
Guest:Look at that tattoo on his back.
Marc:Well, you know, we've got time to do this, and I want to do it because I felt bad that some people who listen to this podcast have been asking about Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:And Eddie is here, and he's...
Marc:That's all right.
Marc:I didn't expect everyone to know what the podcast was.
Marc:I'm happy with 12.
Marc:And the other 90 were like, why is he interrupting the phony people?
Marc:Jesus did amazing things with 12 fans.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But Eddie's... I didn't hear what you said.
Marc:It's okay.
Guest:Jesus did amazing things with 12 fans.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I listen.
Guest:I listen.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:You're a pro, and I had my head out of the game.
Guest:I was looking.
Marc:That's fair.
Marc:I was going to bring the next guy up.
Guest:Please.
Marc:But please, with an angry disposition.
Guest:Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
Guest:Eddie Pipperton, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:We're going to have to give him a mic.
Guest:Just give me this.
Guest:Mark.
Mark.
Guest:I was assaulted at Bumper Chute.
Guest:I was just walking along.
Guest:And I am not an intimidating person.
Guest:Yes, I am passionate about taking down the military industrial complex.
Guest:All we have is fucking gourmet coffee and fucking despair in this town.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Don't bullshit me, Seattle, with your fucking grunge scene or whatever the fuck you do out here.
Guest:I was never here in New York.
Guest:Yesterday I'm in Seattle for the first fucking time at bumper fucking shoot that I was looking forward to.
Guest:I was like, I'm going to Seattle.
Guest:Baby, I'm talking to my girlfriend.
Guest:Baby, I'm going to Seattle.
Guest:The Space Needle where Cobain, you know the whole thing.
Guest:Starbucks, baby.
Guest:The first Starbucks.
Guest:Everybody's cool there.
Guest:Everybody's fucking cool.
Guest:In Seattle is what I thought a kid from Brooklyn who grew up with absolutely everybody around him on medication.
Guest:And I come to Seattle thinking I'm going to be enlightened.
Guest:This is a tremendous place with gourmet coffee and terrific music.
Guest:And I'm on my cell phone at the fucking festival.
Guest:And I'm just walking, you know.
Guest:And some guy lowers his shoulder into me like he was looking for a... So, you know, I react.
Guest:I'm a Gandolfini type of temperament.
Guest:And I just turn around and I go, watch where you're fucking going.
Guest:Not too rude.
Guest:No, I mean, I know I had a part in it.
Guest:But he was... He fucking gave me... He was like one of those, you know, bam, like... And I was like, watch where the fuck you go.
Guest:And then he turns around and he turns out to be much fucking bigger than me, which is a horrible thing if you're in a confrontation.
Marc:Maybe you didn't notice that as he was walking away?
Guest:No, I didn't because I was on the cell phone.
Guest:If I would have noticed that, I would have been, good for you, pal.
Guest:Good for you.
Guest:To the moon, Alice.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Guest:Good for you, my friend.
Guest:I love Seattle.
Guest:And the way people can't walk.
Marc:But that's not what happened.
Guest:That's not what happened.
Guest:I said, what the fuck?
Guest:Where are you fucking going?
Guest:And he turned around much bigger than me, came into my face and said, what's up, man?
Guest:And I said, huh?
Guest:And then he hit me in the fucking face and I just, you know, my glasses went flying and I suddenly felt very old.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Oh, it's so sad.
Guest:Did the earring make you feel younger?
Guest:But now I just, now after getting punched in the face by a younger man, I realize my limitations.
Guest:I think I should just be like, I should get a cuddle blanket now.
Guest:Wait, what did you do?
Guest:No, I should get a cuddle blanket.
Guest:What did you do?
Guest:What did you do?
Guest:Oh, well, I did run after him.
Marc:What are the two things?
Guest:He immediately turned around, and I was pissed.
Guest:I got new glasses, so I immediately...
Marc:So you scramble for the glasses.
Guest:I scramble for the glasses.
Guest:And when you're old, you scramble.
Guest:You don't just pick them up.
Guest:You like scramble.
Guest:Look at the old guy scrambling.
Guest:No one fucking did anything?
Guest:No one did anything?
Guest:No one.
Guest:By the way, thank you, Seattle.
Guest:Not a fucking one of you.
Guest:And if you weren't there yesterday, I apologize up front.
Guest:But if you were there, you suck!
Marc:All right, so you get your glasses, and now you're ready.
Guest:I scramble for my glasses, and then he was already walking away.
Guest:So I was really furious, and I was like, should I?
Guest:Should I fucking go all in?
Guest:Chase him down?
Guest:So I started running after him, and the only thing that came out of me was, I'm going to report you!
Yeah!
Guest:Which was basically like me saying, I'm telling!
Guest:I am telling!
Guest:And I'm old!
Guest:Don't you know I was up for certain things on certain networks years ago?
Guest:You motherfucker!
Guest:How can you do that to me?
Guest:And then I started intimidating him with facts about my life.
Guest:I was saying things like, a plant has never survived in my apartment, and you want to fuck with me?
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Doug Benson, Patton Oswalt, Donald Glover, El Chupacabra, a.k.a.
Marc:Nick Kroll.
Marc:Thank you, Seattle.
Marc:Hit the music.
Marc:You guys are great.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com for all your WTF needs.
Marc:Thanks for coming, you guys.
Marc:It was a great time.
Marc:I got a few stickers for you if you want.
Marc:Enjoy the festival.
you