Episode 101 - Natasha Leggero, Brian Scolaro, Jen Kirkman, Joe Wagner
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:What's up?
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Welcome, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, what the fuck nicks, to the UCB Theater, live in Los Angeles, California.
Guest:Wow, that's excellent.
Guest:So nice to see you all.
Marc:I am so fucking thrilled to be here.
Marc:I'm a little, what?
Marc:Hey, what's up, Ron?
What's up?
Marc:For the people listening on their treadmill, woman just ran across frantically because she was late and missed the beginning of the show.
Marc:Now seating.
Marc:You all good?
Marc:You okay?
Marc:For those of you who are also listening on your treadmill, stage right, I have Victor, the man who works at my post office.
Victor.
Marc:Victor brought me an iced tea in this IKEA cup, and the reason it is in this cup is because I left this cup at the post office.
Victor.
Marc:what an affected fuck I am I walk in with my coffee in this cup and set it down on the counter to do some business because I got to ship some t-shirts so I don't want to be uncomfortable with a paper cup I want to make myself at home in the post office and you brought it back to me that's very nice
Marc:It is my post office.
Marc:That is right.
Marc:All right, Victor.
Marc:Here, take a mic for a second.
Marc:Now, let's discuss the post office thing again.
Marc:Because I know I talk about this a lot here.
Marc:But you go to this post office.
Marc:There's only one guy working there.
Marc:You're not there that much anymore.
Marc:It's just Henry.
Marc:And I walk in there with 200 fucking shirts to send.
Marc:And Henry's like, excellent.
Yeah, he loves it.
Marc:He's like, I don't have to do anything else.
Marc:Just stay here.
Marc:And then people start building up behind me.
Marc:He's actually sent them to other post offices.
Guest:He did it today.
Marc:He did it today?
Guest:Yeah, I worked at the one on Highland.
Marc:Yeah, up on Figueroa.
Marc:And what happened?
Marc:He sent a guy away?
Guest:Yeah, he sent the guy up there.
Marc:That's so fucking funny, because I'm sitting there with Henry, who's just like a Buddha of some kind.
Marc:I'm more anxious than he is.
Marc:People are in line behind me.
Marc:I've got 900 shirts to send, and I'm starting to freak out doing that, like, yeah, I'll be out just a second.
Marc:And Henry's like, don't worry about it, man.
Marc:Don't worry about it.
Marc:He's actually, what do you got, buy stamps?
Marc:Just go up to the other one.
Guest:It's fucking amazing.
Marc:But I still feel like an asshole because I'm a codependent douchebag.
Marc:So you all right?
Marc:All right, all right.
Marc:Well, that didn't last long, but that's all right.
Marc:I went with this shirt, the American Apparel V-neck.
Marc:You know why?
Marc:Because apparently this was the only shirt available for men anywhere.
Marc:for the summer.
Marc:I mean, let's just take a walk around, can we?
Marc:Oh, what's that?
Marc:A plaid short sleeve?
Marc:Who knew?
Marc:You got a plaid short sleeve under the hoodie?
Marc:Sure you do.
Marc:Hey, how about that?
Marc:A plaid short sleeve?
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:Oh, he's going a little off-road with the long sleeve before fall really kicks in.
Marc:When did we all become fucking plaid-wearing dorks?
Marc:You always were?
Marc:There wasn't a period there, say, after grade school, where you stopped wearing that shit because your mom didn't force you anymore, that you made some choices on your own?
Guest:For like one year, like 95.
Marc:Now you're back to what's comfortable.
Marc:That's right, but you got the fucking tat sleeves to be like, I'm not a nerd.
Marc:He's got the nerd shirt, but the fucking tats on the arms.
Marc:Like, I'm confused.
Marc:I'm fucking badass.
Marc:Nerd man.
Marc:I got some WTF Blend Just Coffee.
Marc:Who's up for it?
Marc:Oh, okay, let's not freak out.
Marc:I was actually aiming for the target, which is my face, on her T-shirt.
Marc:Hey, did you guys listen to the 100th episode?
Yeah.
Marc:This is Duke.
Marc:This is Duke, who I talked to on the phone.
Marc:Give it up for Duke, the guy who does... What's your last name?
Marc:Fightmaster.
Marc:Duke Fightmaster does a talk show out of his basement, bankrupted his family to live the dream of doing the talk show out of the basement.
Marc:Where is the wife and kids?
Marc:At home?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:I appreciate you coming.
Guest:I tried to bring the wife, but she had to stay with the kids.
Marc:Because you have no money, because you put all your money into the dreams of running a talk show out of your basement.
Guest:That's right.
Marc:Should have went with the garage.
Marc:Now, I don't know if you understand or if you can relate to this, but for some reason, like I did the new deck, it cost me all the money I had because I didn't want people to fall off of my deck and hurt themselves.
Marc:Because I didn't understand this, but apparently if you have guests at your house, if they fall through something or something falls on them, they can fucking sue you.
Marc:Did you know that?
Marc:That would really test a friendship.
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I just didn't want to be in that position, you know, where, I don't know, where someone fell through the deck.
Marc:So I got the deck, and I got the good stain for the deck, and now the stain looks shitty because I put my sprinklers on, and it got in the stain.
Marc:Now, stain should be able to hold up to fucking water, right?
Marc:But see, like, what I do, and I don't know if you can relate to this, is if I do something like that, I have a nice deck built, I put the nice stain on, something goes wrong with it, everything in my life falls apart because of that.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:No, I'm like, this is just like my whole fucking life.
Marc:I used a good stain, and this shit happens?
Marc:Does this happen to people that have real lives in other places?
Marc:How come this fucking happened to me?
Marc:I emailed the stain brand to see if they would get in touch with me.
Marc:Penofin.
Marc:Penofin stain.
Marc:This worked with Red Wing.
Marc:Penofin stain makers.
Marc:If any of you are out there, I have spots on my fucking deck, and I'm going to blame you.
Marc:I have the root canal.
Marc:It's almost done.
Marc:They've got to put a cap on it.
Marc:I didn't realize it was a three-part thing.
Marc:They're going to charge you for the last part again, right?
Marc:Is that the racket?
Marc:It is, right?
Marc:I fucking knew it.
Marc:Like, you know, because they sit you down.
Marc:Does any insurance cover dental in any legitimate way?
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:I went in with new insurance and I'm paying quarterly for the extra good dental stuff and they're still like, it's $1,800 with the insurance.
Marc:I'm like, well, what the fuck are my options?
Marc:You have no choice.
Marc:It's the worst racket in the world.
Marc:What am I going to sit and pull the tooth by myself and put that on the podcast?
Marc:Just me pulling that out, taking the pliers and pulling my own teeth out and being covered with blood going, I got no coverage.
Marc:But my dentist hypnotized me.
Marc:I became fascinated with him because he talked this weird talk about my root canal.
Marc:He gave me x-rays.
Marc:They're very pleasant.
Marc:And they kept calling me.
Marc:They'd call me after the operation.
Marc:And they said, are you feeling OK?
Marc:I'm like, yeah, I'm OK.
Marc:But he showed me what they do.
Marc:Do you know what they do?
Marc:Do you know what it like?
Marc:At first, I didn't know what it was.
Marc:But he kept saying it in very interesting ways.
Marc:He says, what we're doing is we're going to drill the canals out.
Marc:We're going to open them up.
Marc:And then we're going to fill them.
Marc:And we're going to make the tooth inert.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:I wasn't even sure what that meant, but I'm like, that sounds fucking profound.
Marc:You are going to render my tooth inert.
Marc:And I was so impressed with the guy.
Marc:And then I got obsessed with the actual procedure, like that sort of thing where I can actually compare myself to people that do other things in me and decide that I'm a failure because I didn't invent the root canal procedure.
Marc:Like, I thought, like, this is genius.
Marc:Who the fuck would have thought to take little drills, drill out your root canals, fill that in so you don't have to lose the tooth, then build a crown on top of it?
Marc:That guy's a fucking wizard.
Marc:I don't do anything important.
Marc:That's where that conversation went.
Marc:What does this mean?
Marc:Angel Heart.
Marc:Do you remember that movie?
Yes.
Marc:Yeah, Mickey Rourke, right?
Marc:Do you remember the scene where he fucks Lisa Bonet and doesn't realize that it's his daughter and it starts raining blood, but the sex is really good, it looks like.
Marc:I had that kind of sex recently.
Marc:Yeah, but it didn't start raining blood in the ceiling.
Marc:She's not my daughter, though there is a significant age difference.
Marc:Um...
Marc:But I don't have a daughter, so there's no point of reference for me to be weird.
Marc:You know?
Marc:LAX, what does that mean?
Marc:LAX, Delta, oh yeah.
Guest:Fuck, fuck Delta.
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:And fuck LAX.
Marc:Wait, if you can, go to Burbank.
Marc:Go to fucking Long Beach, man.
Marc:I went to LAX because I had to because I was flying to the cradle of the Confederacy.
Marc:So I get to Delta.
Marc:I get to LAX.
Marc:There's a security line that's two hours long.
Marc:They don't even know what to do with it.
Marc:TSA is understaffed.
Marc:Literally, I'm going to miss my plane, which has never happened because I'm the guy that gets there three hours early.
Marc:I'm that person.
Marc:I would sleep at the airport to get the flight.
Marc:I'm never the guy who runs for a flight.
Marc:I don't need the fucking aggravation.
Marc:And I have a compulsive disorder about getting on the plane as early as possible so I can put my back up there.
Marc:I really wish I wasn't so selfish.
Marc:I've discussed it before.
Marc:It's the same as... It's the same as diminishing buffet syndrome.
Marc:That if...
Marc:That if I'm going to an all-you-can-eat buffet, I will get there right when it opens out of fear that there will not be enough food for me.
Marc:And I have that with everything.
Marc:I am loyal to American Airlines, so I can get on the plane for us to get my luggage in the overhead.
Marc:So there was not, that was not, well, here's what happens.
Marc:The security line is so bad and it's taking so long and I'm getting so aggravated that I was like, I don't even give a fuck if a terrorist gets on.
Marc:Like I, I literally was willing, and this is like, cause I think I'm a good person and this is an ongoing thing with me.
Marc:It's like, am I a good person?
Marc:I ask myself that frequently, but then I was honestly thinking, who gives a fuck?
Marc:Just let people through.
Marc:What are the odds of it being my plane?
Marc:And I thought that, and I thought, that's fucking horrible.
Marc:But then I finally get to the security checkpoint, or whatever it is, with the conveyor belt.
Marc:So I put my computer... Now, again, I think I'm a good person.
Marc:I put my computer into the plastic bin,
Marc:And the TSA guy comes up and taps me on the shoulder, and he goes, do you mind?
Marc:And I turn around, and there's a wheelchair person.
Marc:Okay, right.
Marc:Now, a good person, without thinking twice, would have said, of course not.
Marc:She can roll in or cut or whatever they do.
Marc:A good person would have not thought twice.
Marc:But having been to an airport many times before, my first thought was, is that a real wheelchair person?
Marc:What is the validity of her handicap-ness?
Marc:That's what I was thinking.
Marc:But I didn't say that.
Marc:I said, yeah, yeah, okay.
Marc:Go on.
Marc:And she got up out of the thing and walked through.
Marc:How do you get that treatment?
Marc:I mean, not that I want to do that, but as an experiment, I might.
Marc:I mean, do they bring a doctor's note?
Marc:I mean, how do they get that treatment?
Marc:Do you just walk up to the ticket counter like, I don't think I got a thing.
Guest:I don't feel right.
Marc:I have a few of these CDs.
Marc:I should give these away.
Marc:These are Beats and Bits.
Marc:This is produced by Stand Up Records.
Marc:It's got proofs on it.
Marc:Maria Bamford, a few other people.
Marc:Who wants one of these?
Marc:Anybody?
Marc:I don't know what the angle is on these.
Marc:I'm denying the people over here.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay, one last thing I want to discuss, because maybe this will throw out some conversation points for the guests.
Marc:The woman I'm seeing said to me today in sort of this, when I gave her a look that I guess was something like this.
Marc:Or something more, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, the same t-shirt look.
Marc:She looked at me in a confused way and says, I don't know who I am in your head.
Yes.
Marc:And I thought that was so profound because they don't know who they are in our heads.
Marc:And it goes both ways.
Marc:I don't know who I am in her head, but it's clearly a better person than I really am.
Marc:And you just hope they hold on to that through whatever you're putting them through long enough for you to somehow get closer to match that person they've decided you are.
Marc:But I did want to share this.
Marc:I don't think I shared this, did I, on any shows?
Marc:Because I don't think so.
Marc:I think it's pretty new.
Marc:I have this little notebook that I write impulsive thoughts in.
Marc:And then it makes it to a bigger piece of paper.
Marc:And if I can read it from here to there, it has a shot at coming out of my mouth.
Marc:But I might not be able to read it on either.
Marc:But this was an important thing I wrote down.
Marc:This was important.
Marc:This was pressing.
Marc:I remember writing it.
Marc:I was on a subway in New York.
Marc:It was important.
Marc:And I wrote, comfort a wayward species as they rationalize themselves into extinction.
Marc:That was important.
Marc:Now it's poetically sound, but what the fuck does it mean?
Marc:And then I realized it's my job description.
Marc:I should get it on business cards.
Marc:But that wasn't enough.
Marc:I had to flesh it out a little bit.
Marc:Rationalize by justifying or compromising.
Marc:Hmm.
Marc:And then I wrote, we do the best we can.
Marc:And then I wrote, no, we don't.
Marc:And then I wrote, I'm a good person.
Guest:And then, not enough.
Guest:Welcome to the show.
Guest:Thank you for being here.
Guest:Let's bring out our first guest.
Guest:Your great audience.
Guest:We are at the UCB Theater.
Marc:I am Marc Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:You know what you're listening to.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage one of the judges from the most recent Last Comic Standing.
Marc:She's a regular on Chelsea Lately.
Marc:She also appeared in a really funny episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Guest:Natasha Leggero, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:You can hold that like we hope.
Guest:Great to be here.
Marc:You're so lovely and charming and all put together.
Guest:Oh, thank you.
Guest:I was just asking Brian if this was live, and he's like, this is the number one podcast on iTunes.
Marc:It is?
Marc:No, it's not.
Marc:Okay, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it is.
Marc:I don't check it a lot.
Guest:That's what happens in the morning, right?
Guest:You wake up and check your numbers.
Guest:No.
Marc:Sometimes.
Marc:I don't check my numbers, but I do check a lot of different sources for validation.
Marc:There's...
Marc:Isn't that what we all do?
Marc:Don't you wake up?
Marc:It's like, okay, how about the emails from the show?
Marc:Let's see how that makes me feel.
Marc:Where do I stand on iTunes?
Marc:How did that make me feel?
Guest:See, I do that, but I don't think about how it makes me feel.
Marc:You don't?
Guest:No.
Marc:Do you have a heart?
Guest:Well, I just think that most of the people are stupid.
Marc:Nice.
Guest:Well, who are making negative paragraph-long comments about how bad you suck?
Marc:Right.
Marc:Do you think they're stupid?
Marc:You've got a wall to that?
Marc:It doesn't dismiss you?
Marc:You just dismiss it?
Marc:You detach from it?
Guest:Well, because I know that they're just... They're idiots.
Marc:Okay, but let me ask you this question.
Guest:And a lot of them are like 11.
Okay.
Guest:People on my IMDB page were saying that I was so ugly.
Guest:Look at her hand.
Guest:And then they had a picture of my hand.
Guest:And then people were like, yeah, that is so veiny.
Guest:It was like a whole thread about how old and ugly my hands are.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:So they're either 11 or really socially retarded nerd people.
Guest:I guess.
Marc:I mean, who would sit and do that?
Marc:I hate to think that a grown-up would do that.
Guest:Well, I think they're children.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:All right, but sometimes these children seem to hit pinpoint my insecurities.
Marc:And... Like, the worst ones are, if you're reading them, like, obviously, you have no reason to be self-conscious about your hands.
Guest:No, like, it was like a weird picture like that or something, I guess.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:And they, like, highlighted it, and then... It's a little veiny, though.
Guest:But, um...
Guest:But anyway, so I... Most people don't get what you're doing a lot of times, or they take everything literally, and they're not your crowd, right?
Marc:No, they're not my crowd, but some of them specifically set out to hurt you.
Guest:No, they don't.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right, I guess my anti-fans are different than yours.
Guest:Well, you have this counterculture following, but you're number one on iTunes.
Marc:Yeah, we'll stick with that.
Guest:And so that means that you're broadening your net.
Marc:Is there a counterculture?
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:Hey, man!
Marc:You guys want to smoke some Mary Jane and listen to some bongo music?
Marc:That's who comes to these shows, Natasha.
Marc:This is the counterculture.
Guest:It's like people who understand things that are ironic and who are into subculture and who don't like Larry the Cable Guy.
Marc:Right, and I think my fans are very sensitive, bipolar, angry people.
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:I mean, I think I have the least ironic crowd in the world.
Marc:This is a crowd that just feeds on raw honesty and weirdness that can only be manufactured by dealing with the present in a very fucked up weird way.
Marc:Bring it!
Marc:No, you know, I adore you, and...
Marc:What I wanted to talk to you about, if I could, two things.
Guest:Yep.
Marc:Like, you're really put together.
Marc:You've got a whole thing going on.
Marc:And it took a while to make it happen.
Guest:Now... Wait, what does that mean?
Marc:You developed your act.
Marc:That's all I'm saying.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:I thought you were just talking about my outfit.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:But you always remind me of, like, Audrey Hepburn or somebody.
Marc:Do you have heroes?
Marc:Like, fashion heroes that you sort of like?
Marc:Or acting heroes?
Guest:Is that really what you wanted to ask me if I had fashion heroes?
Guest:I saw... No, I read something once when I started doing comedy.
Guest:They're like, if you want to, you know, if you look like the audience, you become one of them.
Marc:And that frightened you?
Guest:So I wanted to make that gulf as wide as possible.
Marc:So you're definitely an anti-populist.
Marc:I wanted to make sure the audience knows I'm better than they are in every way.
Guest:No, I just... You want to have some razzle-dazzle or something.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:And you do.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:I think so.
Marc:Now, I saw... Okay, last comic standing.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Did they hire you to be snotty or...
Guest:I think they thought that we were all going to be really mean, because it was me and Andy Kindler and Greg Giraldo.
Marc:Andy and you, I can speak for Andy, but you and Giraldo could be pretty vicious.
Marc:I mean, Andy's pretty sweet deep down.
Marc:He was probably fairly... He was very sweet.
Guest:I know you didn't watch the show.
Guest:Was I supposed to?
Marc:I can't.
Guest:No, but you want to talk about it, but you don't know what happened.
Marc:No, that's why I'm asking you.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Well, there was like 11 episodes.
Marc:Okay, let's start with one and go fast.
Guest:It was very fun working with Andy and Greg.
Guest:I was not snotty, but I did say if I didn't think something was funny, and that was a little awkward at times, especially with comics who I know.
Guest:A lot of 12-year open micers.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Yeah, so it was... Now, are you fearing reprisals?
Guest:Do you know Jimmy and Joey?
Marc:No.
Marc:Okay, never mind.
Marc:Are they a team?
Guest:They're the meatballs of comedy.
Guest:They're a team called the meatballs of comedy, but like they keep switching Joey So like that would fucked up the rack So the Italian they do record it.
Guest:Oh, it's too mean.
Marc:It's too mean office and now you're gonna filter yourself
Guest:Well, so they came and auditioned, and they made the crew laugh.
Guest:They were killing with the crew, which is a very bad sign.
Marc:Because it's usually... Not for the comic.
Marc:I mean, he's probably actually doing well.
Guest:Yeah, but that's because they're used to performing at these rooms in the valley that no one comes to.
Guest:So they crushed.
Guest:And so Andy right away recognized what it was, like jokes from the internet.
Guest:And so he's like, no.
Guest:And Greg, you know, Greg was just being really fair.
Guest:And he's like, these are the first people we've seen who've gotten laughs.
Guest:So then he says, yes.
Guest:So it's like up to me.
Guest:But I know them.
Guest:And I was, you know, they're like, come on, member of the Sportsman's Lodge.
Guest:Come on, Paisan.
Guest:And they start doing this to me on camera.
Guest:And I'm like, I am going to be on national television saying I like the meatballs of comedy.
Guest:And I was horrified.
Guest:And so I said yes.
Guest:It never made it.
Guest:It was so bad they didn't even put it in the show.
Guest:But then from that moment on, I was like, I'm not doing that.
Guest:I'm just going to say what I think.
Guest:Because that's more important than breaking the hearts of the meatballs.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it's more important than maintaining the respect of people that probably look up to you.
Guest:So that was the hardest part about it.
Marc:Well, no, but the good story is, now here, folks, I have to say right now, you're dating a comic now.
Marc:Easy, easy.
Marc:And she dated a comic before.
Marc:Now, as you know, I was in a relationship with a comic for a while, but I'm over it.
Guest:Can I just say one thing?
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, no, people hurt my feelings all the time here.
Guest:Last time I saw you at the comedy store, you were telling your current girlfriend to go wait in the car before you're set.
Guest:How do you get away with that?
Guest:And then you went up on stage and just started talking about her negatively.
Guest:That is so weird that you are able to do that.
Guest:Like, is she here now?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hold on a minute.
Guest:Would you go wait in the car?
Guest:No, but it was like a heated, I told you to go wait in the car.
Marc:No, but here's what happened.
Guest:And it was hilarious.
Marc:Here's what happened.
Marc:Okay, okay, now I need to explain myself because I don't want people to get the wrong idea.
Marc:like there's some way I can defend that behavior.
Guest:We fight, you know, because some people... Because you won't stop talking about your ex in life and on stage.
Guest:No, no, there's... That's called a... That's called a deal breaker.
Marc:Clapping.
Marc:There's other issues.
Marc:We...
Marc:Look, some people like to go to fancy restaurants and on trips.
Marc:I like to fight.
Marc:It's just courting.
Marc:It's a testing situation.
Marc:It's been a little hairy.
Marc:All right, well, now fuck it.
Marc:So I saw your ex on stage at a show that I did called The Heartbreak Show.
Marc:Can I say this?
Marc:Which ex?
Marc:Ari Shaffir.
Guest:That was from like six years ago.
Marc:Okay, fine.
Guest:And he did not take it well.
Marc:No, he didn't.
Marc:He's still talking.
Guest:And he's still mad.
Marc:Yeah, I'm so glad I don't talk about mine that much.
Marc:And I...
Guest:I know your ex.
Marc:I know.
Marc:You still hang out?
Guest:No, but I remember hanging out with her when you guys were married.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:She said something really funny once.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I know.
Guest:That was about the only time.
Guest:No, she was very funny.
Guest:No, she's very funny.
Guest:No, she's funny.
Guest:We were having coffee and you called.
Guest:And she was like, I laid the pants out on your bed.
Guest:Just wear the brown ones.
Guest:She was telling you what to wear.
Guest:You needed her to tell you what pants to wear.
Guest:I just remember that.
Marc:That can't be me.
Marc:I don't have brown pants.
Marc:I trust myself for a long time.
Guest:Or it was like you were having like a neurotic episode and she was like calming you down.
Marc:That's ridiculous.
Guest:Natasha Leggero, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:This next guy I love, I've always loved.
Marc:God, it gets so hairy.
Marc:Didn't it get intense?
Marc:I didn't know what would happen.
Guest:Isn't that the point?
Guest:Don't you like that?
Guest:No.
Guest:You like to get into it.
Guest:About you.
Marc:Hey, this next guy, I've known for a long time, and I've always thought he's one of the funniest people I've ever known, quite honestly.
Marc:I don't say that enough about him.
Marc:You might have seen him.
Marc:He was on the Pamela Anderson show, The Stacked, for a couple years.
Marc:Anyone see that?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He was on a couple episodes of Dexter.
Marc:He did a half-hour Comedy Central special.
Marc:He was great in Men of a Certain Age.
Marc:Please welcome Brian Scolero to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Where are you, buddy?
Guest:Brian Scalero.
Guest:Sorry, I've never been here before, man.
Guest:Hey, what's up, buddy?
Guest:How are you?
Guest:Good to see you, man.
Guest:I love you, man.
Guest:That was really awkward.
Guest:That was really fucking awkward.
Guest:It wasn't that awkward.
Marc:It was awkward.
Marc:Are you mad, Natasha?
Guest:You thought our conversation was awkward?
Guest:Well, I just know everybody.
Guest:I know your ex, and I know your ex, so I felt uncomfortable.
Guest:Do you know the first time we met?
Guest:You do.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I think it was, when was that?
Guest:It was 1995.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:The untitled Marc Maron project for Comedy Channel.
Guest:There's been so many.
Guest:I was an intern.
Guest:We never spoke.
Guest:I told you, you shot a monologue.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then you came in the hallway.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you said, that really fucking sucked to me.
Guest:I was holding a big jar of jelly beans.
Yeah.
Guest:Not for my own personal enjoyment, but that was my job, was to hand out jelly beans.
Marc:Now, don't think that I had some weird jelly bean thing.
Marc:No, that wasn't you.
Guest:It was like a Reagan thing.
Marc:It was just a general jelly bean job.
Guest:It wasn't like... And then I reaffirmed you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I said, no, that was really funny, man.
Guest:That was really, really funny.
Marc:To be honest with you, I've always thought you were so fucking funny.
Marc:Thanks, man.
Marc:You're like Jackie Gleason funny, man.
Marc:That's nice of you.
Guest:I don't think anybody cares.
Guest:Nobody cares.
Guest:That style died a long time ago.
Guest:It's fucking hot.
Marc:It's hot, man.
Marc:It is getting hot.
Marc:What the hell happened?
Guest:Is there an air on?
Guest:I don't know, man.
Guest:I'm 240, and I might pass out.
Marc:You're hot, too?
Marc:It's fucking ridiculous.
Marc:I don't have air conditioner in my house.
Marc:Do you?
Guest:I have essential air.
Guest:You do?
Guest:They just turned it on, man.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:I guess the reason they didn't want us to turn it on is because it's a Model T. Holy fuck.
Marc:I hope we can hear the podcast over the clanking of the air conditioner elves in the ceiling.
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:We're going to hear guys going, holy shit, I'm tired from walking on this conveyor belt.
Guest:You've always been nice.
Guest:You recommended Comedy Central.
Guest:You recommended me to Comedy Central for a half-hour special.
Guest:Big fan.
Guest:You've been very cool.
Guest:I have nothing against you.
Guest:I have nothing against you.
Marc:You've been a great... You used to get mad at me when I'd walk up to you and tell you to do jokes.
Marc:Because you thought I was mocking you.
Guest:Well, you did say I would be the one comedian that you knew who would commit suicide.
Guest:Do you remember saying that?
Guest:The comedy seller of probably 2002.
Guest:I'm such a sweet guy.
Guest:You apologized for it four years later when I brought it up to you.
Guest:You're like, I didn't say that.
Guest:It's a lot like our conversation.
Guest:How did that come up?
Guest:Well, I always remember it.
Guest:You always remember weird things like that.
Guest:When a guy you really admire says you're going to kill yourself.
Guest:Tends to stick with you.
Guest:I've always been a tremendous fan of you.
Guest:My recent favorite joke of yours is the one where you tell your cats to get on the bed after you finish masturbating.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's a really good joke.
Guest:I want to hear it.
Guest:I kind of ruined the punchline.
Marc:Basically the joke is cats will just sit there and quietly judge.
Marc:And then basically it's like I refuse to put them off the bed because I never want to hear myself say, Daddy's done.
Marc:Come on back up.
I'm done.
Marc:Why do I assume everyone's heard that joke, or are you laughing at it again?
Marc:This is... That's fine.
Marc:But, uh... So, what are you... Are you all right?
Marc:No, I'm not all right.
Marc:Look at me.
Guest:Yeah, fucking it's all over.
Marc:But, like, what I was saying about... It's all over.
Guest:I have faith, man.
Guest:No, it's going to be all right.
Guest:It's going to be fun.
Marc:What's the last audition you went out on?
Guest:The last audition I went out on.
Guest:Oh, it was for a random fat guy in a commercial.
Guest:The problem is in commercials, if you're fat, you read for the competitor, the guy who's selling chicken nuggets for $2 instead of $1.
Guest:Like, what the fuck is the problem?
Yeah.
Guest:Nobody trusts the fat guy and everybody thinks the fat guy made a mistake.
Guest:Nobody ever heard of endomorphs?
Guest:Nobody remembers endomorphs?
Guest:What's that?
Guest:There's three predisposed genetic body types.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:I'm an endomorph.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:You appear to be some sort of mesomorph.
Guest:So is she, probably.
Guest:I don't see any ectomorphs in here.
Guest:What's an ectomorph?
Guest:Oh, tall and skinny.
Guest:Ectomorph is tall and skinny.
Guest:No matter how hard they try, they can't put on muscle or weight.
Guest:Fuck those people.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Blaine Kapatch is an ectomorph.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Endomorphs are people like me.
Guest:You have to exercise every day or else this happens.
Guest:You've got to stay on top of it.
Guest:And mesomorphs don't do anything but fucking make life difficult for the rest of the other two fucking people.
Guest:So they're the norm.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I don't know if they're the norm, but they think they are.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'd say there's probably more people like you.
Guest:Yeah, I would say so.
Marc:Yeah, so maybe you should lead a populist revolution.
Guest:I try, man, but nobody listens to me because I'm fat.
Guest:That's the problem.
Guest:Even...
Guest:Even fat people don't listen to their own.
Guest:There's only individual solidarity.
Guest:I don't know, man.
Guest:It's a choice.
Guest:I said I'm going to stay here.
Guest:I mean, when I was... Back when I used to work a lot more, I was 30 pounds lighter.
Guest:But, I mean, I can't live that lifestyle.
Guest:I can't exercise two hours a day.
Guest:There's fucking things on TV.
Guest:You know, there's...
Guest:There's people I want to hang out with.
Guest:There's a weed to be smoked.
Guest:There's laughs to be had.
Guest:There's porn to be jerked off to.
Guest:There's fucking shows to be re-watched.
Guest:i hear you yeah but you know i mean it's it's it makes life difficult but the good thing is that like tv there are beautiful women that will date a fat guy yeah and uh it works out i mean it's it's people make fun of like the king of queens when was the last time you saw a beautiful woman dating a fat guy well i've had a pretty good track record they don't stick around they've been there for two years a lot of them have problems with the fact i take breaks when we fuck
Guest:Did you ever have sex with a fat guy?
Guest:There's at least two five-minute breaks.
Guest:Gotta have the ceiling fan on.
Guest:What do you say for a break?
Guest:Let's just sit here and think about what happened.
Guest:Discuss it, talk it out.
Guest:Can you get me a glass of water?
Guest:A banana?
Guest:You got a banana?
Guest:Because I got a cramp.
Guest:You gotta have a... I always want that.
Guest:Sometimes when I fuck, I really want that boxing crew to come in and wipe the sweat off me.
Guest:Try to get on the bottom, all right?
Guest:Just get on the bottom.
Guest:She's fucking killing you.
Guest:You're working too hard.
Guest:You're just dancing out there.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:That's spectacular.
Marc:How do I find this fucking person alive?
Guest:Yeah, it's a fucking tragedy.
Guest:But I think that's why me and you like each other is because we're very, I can't make a judgment for you, but I've always felt, you know, first of all, when I was coming up, it was Louis C.K., it was Dave Attell, it was you, it was Dave Chappelle, Jay Moore was in there for a while.
Guest:And out of everybody on that rung, you are the only one who continues to be nice to the guys who are younger, not younger, but never going to make it.
Guest:You're continuously nice.
Guest:And just the fact that you brought me here is just proof of that.
Marc:Well, thanks, man.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That was awesome.
Guest:That was nice.
Marc:Yeah, it was very nice.
Marc:Now I'm starting to think if I was more of a douchebag, I'd maybe be bigger.
Guest:You bring up a good point.
Marc:Maybe it's time.
Marc:Maybe Mr. Nice Guy's over.
Guest:No, you're an artist, man.
Guest:You just do... Yeah, man.
Guest:You just talk, and your audience finds you.
Marc:Yeah, and these are the... These people will come out.
Guest:This is the biggest crowd I've done.
Marc:Beat mix.
Marc:What was it?
Marc:The counterculture.
Guest:This is my first time in this club.
Marc:I was always kind of scared of it, man.
Marc:Did you eat anything today?
Marc:Because you just burped pure beer.
Marc:Did I burp?
Marc:Yeah, it's just like, but it was beer.
Marc:There was no, like, there was no weight to it.
Marc:There was no, like, hey, there was a burger.
Guest:There was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, like, two hours ago.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:That's not going to carry a lot of weight in this ass.
Marc:No, no, it's a... Well, thank you.
Guest:Things aren't good.
Guest:Thank you for sharing.
Guest:Well, you said you stopped dragging, right?
Guest:Well, yeah, it was nice.
Marc:It was sort of like, hey, look.
Guest:There's flies in here.
Marc:That's a good story.
Marc:I literally had a thing with a fly where it became like some weird test of my ability to keep my shit together.
Marc:Like I can't, there are certain moments in my life where I cannot look at them as any other way other than God is defying me to not be a fucking clown right now.
Marc:Like this fly was just like, it kept landing in just the perfect places where it's like right here on the tip of your ear and then like right in the most sensitive part of my arm.
Marc:And I'm trying to work because I knew that if I tried to kill it, it'd be a fucking slapstick.
Right.
Marc:But I'm just sitting there and all I'm thinking is like, just pretend like it's not there.
Marc:Work through it.
Marc:Work through the fly.
Marc:Like I'm some sort of Buddha.
Marc:And then it's like, fuck it, fuck it.
Marc:And then I lose.
Marc:I lose the game to where I'm a clown.
Guest:Why don't you swat it to begin with?
Guest:Why are you going to be like Anthony Perkins and do the whole, I will not swat the fly.
Marc:Because it's hard to hit them.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:It takes a lot of effort.
Marc:It's just like the odds are against you.
Marc:Then once you miss it once, then you're like, now I'm going to fucking get it.
Marc:Then your afternoon is gone.
Guest:There's a gnat in my house.
Guest:One gnat that you've identified?
Guest:The thing is that he's been there for three years.
Guest:When I first met him, I was like, I was peeing, and I'm like, I'm going to let him live.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:He seemed fine.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I got, you know, he just has become part of the house now.
Guest:He's gotten a lot bigger.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know?
Guest:I'm really proud of him.
Guest:I don't know where he goes.
Guest:Sometimes I don't see him for a long time, and he comes out of, like, the carpet, and I'm like, wow!
Guest:Fucking Charlie.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I should name him.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Charlie the Nath.
Guest:That's great, man.
Guest:Brian Scolero, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:Thanks, man.
Marc:Just moved down.
Marc:I'm always running late.
Marc:This next woman I love also.
Marc:Everybody cool?
Marc:She started in New York.
Marc:I remember her when I think she was, like, I feel like you were, like, 15.
Marc:You see her on, all right, Chelsea Lately and everything.
Marc:Jen Kirkman, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi.
Marc:I think I just, I think I dribbled when I kissed you.
Marc:It's weird.
Guest:That's okay, that's okay.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:You look good.
Marc:Oh, thanks.
Marc:Everyone's so put together, the two of yous.
Guest:Well, I'm trying to lose some weight.
Marc:No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Marc:I'm sorry, Brian.
Marc:You guys can be on mic if you want for this.
Guest:I'm trying to lose some weight, and I feel like the best way in the interim is to just look as nice as possible.
Marc:How are you trying to lose weight?
Guest:Well, I'm not trying.
Guest:I'm succeeding.
Guest:I gained 22 over the past year and a half.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:And I lost 10.
Guest:I'm doing Weight Watchers and Power Yoga again.
Marc:Fucking Weight Watchers is great.
Guest:You got me into both Weight Watchers and Power Yoga years ago.
Marc:I am fucking, like, helping people around the world.
Guest:You do Weight Watchers?
Guest:He used to.
Marc:He used to.
Marc:Don't what?
Guest:He used to be like, popcorn, one point, popcorn.
Guest:You into popcorn?
Guest:You into popcorn, Jen?
Popcorn?
Popcorn?
Guest:Why are your nails so long?
Marc:I'm a complex man.
Guest:Your nails are too long.
Marc:I know.
Marc:What she keeps saying, she's going to cut them.
Guest:Who's she?
Marc:It doesn't matter.
Guest:I know you have a girlfriend, but are you just at that giving up level of just calling her she?
Marc:No, Jessica.
Marc:Jessica.
Marc:She was on the show.
Guest:Jessica... I know she was on the show, but that doesn't mean, like, once she's on the podcast, you just start calling her she.
Marc:Well, no, I didn't want to talk about it, but, like, I usually cut my own nails, but she likes to cut them.
Marc:So it's going to be...
Marc:It's a fun thing.
Marc:After I kill the fly, we're going to cut my nails.
Marc:It's a big day.
Marc:What's the matter with that?
Guest:Isn't Weight Watchers fun, though?
Guest:I actually was just thinking about myself inside.
Guest:I was not even listening.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:But Weight Watchers is so fun because it's like a hobby.
Marc:I know.
Marc:You get to make and invent foods.
Marc:You get to count all your things.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:The funnest part is, what has no points I can shove into my face all day long?
Guest:Cucumber.
Guest:I like to swap activity points.
Marc:Ooh, nice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You get a little rollover, like rollover minutes.
Guest:You're not going to just eat 20 points a day.
Guest:That's crazy.
Guest:You might roll over a little and go 26 points, but you have some extras.
Guest:But then if you exercise, it builds back up your extra points.
Marc:And then one day, if you build them up, you can just shove fucking pizza into your face really hard.
Guest:Although, you know what?
Guest:I learned...
Guest:You can't, when you're trying to lose weight, there's no like, oh, I'll maintain all week and then one day go crazy.
Guest:You won't lose weight that week.
Guest:I went to a baby shower and I had two mimosas.
Guest:No, I wasn't born yet.
Guest:Two mimosas and like eight mini cupcakes.
No.
Guest:They didn't lose anything this week.
Marc:That's the worst.
Marc:When you're the person that gets on the scale and everyone else is like, four, two.
Guest:Oh, I weigh in at home privately on a calibrated wave launcher scale.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:See, this is the new way to do it.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I used to go to the meetings.
Marc:The meetings are the best because then you can feel superior.
Guest:Here's my problem with the meetings.
Marc:Because you can always go to a Weight Watchers meeting and go, oh, fuck, I'm not... I'm not that bad.
Guest:Well, the first time I started going, when I hadn't gained 22, I'd only gained 10, the woman at the counter was like, you don't need to be here.
Guest:And I was like...
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:Like, I'm not, like, anorexic, but I'm definitely within my weight range and in my higher weight.
Guest:And she could see the numbers.
Guest:And she's like, come on.
Guest:And I was like, well... And she's like, I don't want to let you in.
Guest:And I was trying to be quiet.
Guest:And I was like, I work in television, so I actually look bigger on the screen.
Guest:So I do kind of need to lose these ten.
Guest:I need to be at the lowest possible.
Guest:And she's like, all right.
Guest:She works in TV.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, Jesus.
So then...
Guest:I sit down, and I'm like... It just makes me sad when people are like, it's Fourth of July.
Guest:Here's how you make a margarita with Splenda and an apple and no alcohol.
Guest:And I'm like, come on.
Guest:You can have a margarita sometimes.
Guest:So I didn't like it.
Guest:So then I went to... So I got my own scale.
Guest:And one time I went to the meeting when I was a little heavier, and she gave me this look, and she goes, what's your goal?
Guest:And I go, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And she goes, well, get on this scale.
Guest:And I got on, and she goes...
Guest:When are you getting married?
Guest:I'm like, no, it's fine.
Marc:The reason I did it, because some people think we're crazy a little bit.
Marc:People think I'm crazy because I talk about this shit.
Marc:After I quit smoking the first time, I put on like 23 pounds.
Marc:I weighed almost 200 pounds.
Guest:How tall are you?
Marc:I'm 5'7", or 5'11".
Marc:I'm 5'11".
Marc:I'm 5'11".
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:I can prove it.
Marc:I'm right here.
Guest:We all believe you.
Marc:Not hiding anything.
Marc:So, uh... But, like, I saw, I just watched her old Conan of mine before I went to Weight Watchers, and I, like, I had, like, my face look like there was no different... I had one of those things.
Guest:No, I remember when you were heavier.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's real.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You were, like, puffier.
Guest:It was awful.
Guest:But you were... No, you weren't drinking, but you were maybe... Yeah, I was.
Guest:No, but, I mean, you don't need to lose any more weight or anything, but you gotta maintain, I guess.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The thing that hurts me most is when I tell people, because I have a certain size I was, and the clothes have been in my closet for two years or a year and a half, and I can't fit into them.
Guest:And I don't think it's normal to go, oh, I gained 22 pounds in a year.
Guest:I guess that's what happens.
Guest:Like, what if it keeps happening?
Guest:Right.
Guest:So then you tell people, they go, you look great.
Guest:And I go, it's so nice of you to say, but now let's drop the wall.
Guest:I'm telling you this happened.
Guest:Please acknowledge that it's happened.
Guest:And they won't.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Because they think it's a trap.
Yeah.
Guest:I don't know, but I'm like, then I feel so alone.
Guest:I'm probably a little insane, but then I just feel so alone.
Guest:Like, who can I talk to?
Guest:Who understands?
Guest:And I just, I tell my husband, I go, this fucking bitch says you look great and wouldn't let me talk about it.
Guest:And I'm like, I can't step up my pants.
Guest:What does your husband say?
Guest:He says they're trying to be nice.
Guest:And I go, we're done with that.
Marc:But is he honest with you?
Guest:We're so intense right now.
Guest:He is, because I'm honest with him.
Guest:But I had to sit on him for like a day and be like, you see no difference between now and when we first met six years ago.
Guest:You see, no, no, no.
Guest:Like literally sit on him?
Guest:Yeah, oh yeah, sat on him.
Guest:And then he finally goes, okay, but yes, you were a lot younger.
Guest:And I go, but you see it.
Guest:No, I was so happy.
Guest:Because he's not saying you look bad.
Guest:He's saying, okay, fine, I noticed a difference.
Marc:You're older now and you're heavier is what he's saying.
Guest:It happens to all of us, but we're doing it together, Weight Watchers.
Guest:He lost four pounds in four days by not eating one chip.
Guest:And I went to hot yoga and almost passed out.
Marc:Are you going to Joe again?
Guest:Where is that guy?
Guest:Where's Joe?
Marc:At the Y. Remember we used to go to the Y and go to Joe's?
Guest:Mark got me into this yoga class at the Y. This heavy guy, Joe, taught it.
Guest:And you would be like, why is this guy teaching yoga?
Guest:Hello, everybody.
Marc:I see some new faces here.
Marc:Welcome.
Guest:He would come in and play.
Guest:It was like a Sunday morning.
Guest:He'd play Good Day Sunshine by the Beatles, and you'd just be like, this is amazing.
Guest:And then he was so heavy, but then he would just get up on one leg and just like an angel, just like light as air.
Guest:But then one time he was saying like, you know, yogis are certain types of people.
Guest:We probably won't vote for George Bush in 2004.
Guest:And then somebody wrote on the comment cards, like, don't talk politics.
Guest:So he came in the next day and was like, dropped his duffel bag and blared tool.
Guest:And it was like, da-da-da-da-da.
Marc:Yeah, he'll do it.
Marc:He did it again.
Marc:He played fucking Zeppelin.
Marc:Like an entire side of physical graffiti.
Marc:And someone in the middle of the class said, you know, the music's a little inappropriate for me.
Marc:I'd like you to change it.
Marc:And Joe goes, someone is having a problem with the music.
Marc:And he goes over and he puts fucking Ozzy on.
Marc:And the woman walked out.
Marc:He's like, my yoga classes aren't for everybody.
Guest:Oh, he was great.
Guest:Yeah, he was so mad about that.
Guest:He was so mad about that comment card.
Guest:He's like, how can you do yoga and vote for George Bush?
Guest:Downward dunk.
Guest:It was so great.
Guest:And then sometimes he'd just come in and go.
Guest:My dad, we all have parents.
Guest:He obviously had issues with his father.
Guest:I felt so comfortable with him that I was going through a breakup at the time.
Guest:I'm not sure he knows.
Guest:That's a problem.
Guest:He came over to adjust my back and I just started sobbing.
Guest:And he was like, what's wrong?
Guest:I'm like, I'm going through a breakup.
Guest:He's like, yeah, this pose will bring that out.
I was like...
Marc:One time I was doing Shavasana, the last thing, and he literally just came, and he put his hand on my head and just lifted it and moved it like a half an inch, and I was like, oh, my God.
Marc:He's a genius.
Guest:He was so great, and I used to call it Joga.
Marc:Well, come back.
Marc:Jen Kirkman, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So you guys hang out for a minute because, Jen, you're... I was going to introduce you properly.
Marc:Sit... All right.
Marc:Yeah, you guys... Just stay out here.
Marc:I'm running late as usual.
Marc:Now, as you know, many of you heard the broadcast.
Marc:Did you bring your paper?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Many of you heard the broadcast of Joe Wagner, who applied to be my buddy.
Marc:He wanted to be my friend.
Marc:He needed a friend.
Marc:He wanted an older man, right?
Marc:This sounds really sad, dude.
Marc:No, did you guys listen to that episode?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, this is Joe.
Marc:And we went out Thursday for our first man date.
Marc:Is that what it is?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:For our bromance?
Marc:Is that what it is?
Marc:Well, you want to put labels on it.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, we went to see the film Get Low with Robert Duvall and Bill Murray.
Marc:It was fucking great, right?
Marc:Yeah, we recommend it.
Marc:Yeah, very good.
Marc:But Joe decided that the way to figure out how the day went is he made these question and answer sheets.
Guest:Same questions, same five questions.
Guest:We each wrote our answers.
Guest:It's kind of a he said, he said kind of thing.
Guest:Are we going to read each other's?
Guest:I didn't want to say Newlywood game because Kirkman's already been calling me your wife.
Guest:That's what she does to get me riled up.
Guest:Are you reading mine?
Guest:He greeted me like my husband started hosting the party already, but just make yourself at home backstage.
Guest:I mean, it's weird.
Marc:i've known joe a long time okay so so the first question that joe here you ready yeah all right number one use three words to describe your overall impression of the outing and joe wrote pleasant relaxing uneventful wow this is an interesting contrast sad which we've already touched on silly
Guest:What was fucking silly about it?
Marc:Read the last one.
Guest:Uplifting.
Guest:Sad, silly, and uplifting.
Guest:I understand the first one.
Guest:I don't buy the second one.
Guest:The third one is going to keep me going for a couple weeks.
Guest:Number two.
Marc:What was your first impression slash thought when you saw Mark?
Marc:And you wrote, I want to hug him.
Guest:We had that awkward moment where I walked into... I went in for the shake.
Guest:You went in for the handshake, and I said... Joe's fucking hugging me in the lobby of the Arclight.
Guest:I said, can we hug in the lobby of the Arclight?
Guest:And I said... You said, let's start with the handshake first, and then do that back patting thing.
Guest:Yours was... What was your first impression when you saw Joe?
Guest:Sad, silly, uplifting.
Guest:Right.
Guest:That's why I let you hug me.
Guest:And still I understand because I was wearing that clown nose.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, it was the equivalent.
Marc:I mean, there was a hat.
Marc:Wasn't there a hat?
Guest:Yeah, there was a hat and then some shades I bought at the 99 cent store.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What was something funny that the other person said during the outing that you remember?
Marc:Mark and I were waiting in line to get popcorn.
Marc:We could see that there was only one minute left before our movie began.
Marc:The line was not moving.
Marc:Mark started getting a little antsy.
Marc:I suggested he go in and get our seats while I bought the popcorn.
Marc:Mark mildly snapped back, Joe, I'm not that high maintenance.
Marc:It was a funny and truthful moment that reminded me to relax.
Guest:And Mark, your response to what was something funny that the other person said was, nothing stands out.
Guest:But Joe is generally a funny person.
Guest:I felt that.
Guest:By the way, you ate about 17 points worth of popcorn yesterday.
Guest:Yeah, well, you'll get to that.
Guest:We'll get to that, Joe.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Yeah, we'll get to that.
Marc:Number four.
Marc:No, I'm reading.
Marc:Did anything surprise you?
Marc:And Joe wrote, I realized I still giggled... Oh, I realized I still giggle around Mark like a giddy schoolgirl...
Marc:I'm just the slightest bit self-conscious about it, but I'm sure it will get better.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Did anything surprise you?
Guest:It surprised me that Joe... It surprised me that Joe knew a woman who worked at the theater like a lady woman, like a regular person.
Guest:Yeah, dude.
Guest:Yeah, I know regular people.
Guest:What?
Guest:All right.
Guest:All right, and here we go.
Guest:Number five.
Guest:This is a two-parter.
Guest:You want to take it?
Marc:Okay, what was your most favorite and least favorite moment of the outing?
Marc:Okay, least.
Marc:Mark making jokes during the previews.
Marc:Lame.
Lame.
Marc:Just kidding?
Guest:Is that what that means?
Guest:Yeah, JK with a bunch of exclamation points.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Most, when Mark and I empowered the young Arclight employee... We had the same one.
Guest:Oh, we do?
Marc:Yeah, I'll read yours.
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, we do.
Marc:I'll read yours.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Most, when Mark and I empowered the young Arclight employee to work the coffee machine, he was scared of using.
Marc:Mark prodded the dude in his own tough love way, and the kid seemed really hesitant, but then I chimed in and supportively told the guy that he could face his fears and make that coffee.
Yeah.
Marc:I thought that was great teamwork.
Marc:The kid made Mark a fine espresso.
Marc:He had a small break through that day.
Marc:You're welcome, 22-year-old Arclight employee.
Guest:That was so good, dude.
Guest:Most favorite was when me and Joe emotionally supported the guy standing in for the bartender at Arclight as he walked through his fear of the espresso machine and made me coffee.
Guest:That means we win!
Yay!
Guest:What was your least?
Guest:Your least favorite was... My least favorite part was that Joe didn't eat any of the large popcorn I bought, which basically forced me to eat the entire bucket.
Guest:And it caused me some trouble later on a gastrointestinal level.
Guest:I'll eat some of the popcorn next time.
Guest:I promise.
Marc:And I'll try to remember what you do that's funny.
Marc:Thanks, buddy.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:And thank you, folks.
Guest:Joe Wagner, Jen Kirkman, Brian Scalero, Natasha Azaro.
Guest:Thank you for coming.
Guest:Go to WTFPod.com for all your needs.
Guest:Podcast related.
Guest:You're a great audience.
Guest:I appreciate your support.
Guest:And I love you all.
Guest:Good night.
you