Episode 100 - Episode 100
Lock the gates!
Are we doing this?
Really?
Wait for it.
Are we doing this?
Wait for it.
Pow!
What the fuck?
And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
What's wrong with me?
It's time for WTF!
What the fuck?
With Mark Maron.
Okay, let's do this.
How are you, what the fuckers?
What the fuck buddies?
What the fucking ears?
What the fuck nicks?
Let's go through the list.
It is the hundredth episode of WTF with Marc Maron.
I am Marc Maron.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do at least a dozen of them.
What the fucksters?
What the fuck secutioners I got recently?
What the fucking nistas?
What the fuck faces?
What the fuckaroos?
What the fuck ups?
What the fuckists?
What the fucking nists?
Nists.
Nists.
What the fucktards.
Obviously, we're not going to do that.
What the fucks.
Got that one.
Just what the fucks.
And the list goes on and they keep coming in.
And I appreciate it.
Happy 100th anniversary show.
Hold on a minute.
Because there's some people I need to thank.
I need to thank.
Yeah, you got it.
Pow!
Oh, I just shit my pants for reals.
For real.
So, look, that's JustCoffee.coop who's been with me since back in the day.
I'd like to say back in the day, since back in the break room live days when I was doing a marginally popular internet TV show that didn't really take off.
Well, that's where the seeds of WTF really started.
I don't know if many of you know the history of this show or whether you care, frankly.
By the way,
I had a root canal yesterday.
And as much as everybody says that they should be painless, I am in pain today.
And there was something I realized during the root canal.
A couple of things.
Don't look at the equipment.
Don't look at the equipment.
When the doc leaves, when he leaves the room, don't sit there and look at the little files.
Don't understand what they're doing.
I think that made it more painful.
Here's a couple of things you don't want to hear anyone say during a root canal.
we're only going to use a little bit of Novocaine.
We're only going to numb it a little bit.
You don't need that much.
The tooth is half dead.
And I'm thinking, well, let's cover our bases.
What do you say?
How about we don't open the opportunity up at all for me to experience any pain whatsoever?
Isn't that the world we live in now?
Can't you make it completely painless?
Why do we got to hedge our bets here?
Just give me the full dose and let's do it that way.
I'm willing to take that.
No, we don't need the full amount.
Okay, fine.
So now I've got to be apprehensive.
I've got to be prepared to feel some horrendous pain that might surprise me in the middle of your drilling process.
But do you know what they do during a root canal?
Is this really the right topic of conversation for our 100th episode?
I think it is.
I think it is because I'm going to come around to something that I thought was an important point while I was getting my teeth drilled and filed.
I had a big old cavity in there, big old filling in my tooth.
And I've had extreme pain the last couple of weeks that I, of course, thought was jaw cancer.
And I was going to have to have half my face removed because you've been through it with me.
You've been through the snooze.
You've been through the fear.
Who the hell knows?
People get that shit.
I might even still have it, but that's not the issue.
So I got a pain in my mouth that's going on for two weeks.
And I'm sure I'm going to have to have most of my head removed.
So I go to the dentist who was referred to me by Blaine Capach, who's a comedian.
This guy got referred to by two people.
And I didn't know what a root canal was, and I talked about it on this show, and I assumed I was gonna have to get one.
I didn't even know what it was.
What it is is that the tooth dies.
Apparently you get, like when you have a big cavity,
the nerves start to die and stuff starts to eat your nerve bacteria.
I don't know where that comes from.
I don't know the whole science of it, but what they got to do is they got to drill up past the filling past, take it out, open up the tooth on the inside and then look for your root canals, which is where the nerves go and then take very small files and open up those canals and, and drill them out basically with a curvy bendy titanium drill and a series of files up into your brain, into your skull.
Oh, my God.
So it didn't hurt yesterday, but it hurts today.
But here's what was interesting to me is while I'm looking at, you know, he sticks some files up into these holes and then they take another X-ray with the files in the holes.
I can't close my mouth.
Then you see the X-ray of these files that are metal, you know, going up into your brain.
All right.
They don't go into your brain, but, you know, up into your jaw.
It's fucking awful.
But while this is going on, while he's sitting there filing up into my skull with little files, it's the small talk.
So how do you know Blaine?
Yeah, he's a good guy.
You're in comedy?
I didn't realize Blaine was a comic as well.
You're a comic, yeah?
You know Patton Oswalt?
Oh, great.
Now we're going to bring up people I'm jealous of.
All right, that's great.
Small talk during Root Canal.
Yeah, so I can tell you some stories.
I've worked on a lot of people that you might know.
I'm like, I don't want to play this game.
But isn't it great that I'm talking to you and you're not thinking about it anymore?
I can hear it.
I can hear it in my head.
But it doesn't hurt, right?
I'm like, right, right, right.
So then you start going, well, what are you doing?
Why do we got to do this?
Well, bacteria, you know, you got to get out there and then we're going to rinse it out with some peroxide.
Small talk during root canal.
And I realize that is a fine metaphor for almost all entertainment at this juncture in history.
That's all we're doing.
That's all any of us are doing.
Small talk during root canal.
The root canal may be painless because of drugs that are available, but you know what's going on.
You know that you are being fucked in your head.
Your head is being fucked with by little files that are going up into your brain where nerves once were.
If you really think about it, it's horrendous.
Even if you don't feel the pain, but you're going to feel the pain tomorrow.
But everybody, I think, on some level is going through their version of either painful or painless root canal on a day-to-day basis.
And my job, folks, I've decided...
is small talk during Root Canal.
As a metaphor on our 100th episode, how did this start?
I am a comedian, and whether you think I'm a popular comedian or not, I'm relatively popular, sort of a marginal talent.
Some of you may think I'm bitter or over it or that I didn't quite get to where I needed to go, but some of you might think that I'm exactly where I need to be.
Whatever the case, in 2004, I took a job at Air America Radio having never done radio.
and just stepped into the deep end.
All I know is I wanted to help get George Bush out of office.
I wanted to do whatever I could to try to fight that coup.
And I got involved with Air America.
I'd never done radio before, and I got to Air America, and I was out of my mind.
I had no idea what I was talking about.
I had to learn about a lot of politics.
I had to rely on people to learn how to do radio.
I was completely out of my mind.
I had no clue.
And Brendan McDonald was there from day one.
Brendan McDonald was at Air America saying, holy shit, who the fuck is this guy?
How are we going to manage this insanity?
And he did.
So for about 18 months, Brendan McDonald produced me on Air America radio.
And then we got another job.
I was fired.
He wasn't fired, but I was fired that first time from Air America.
And then I got hired again in L.A.
and Brendan came out and did my show out here.
He produced Brendan McDonald, produced a Marc Maron show here.
And then I got fired again.
So then, you know, in desperation.
When I was broke.
I had to go back to Air America.
I had to go back to Air America because I was in the middle of a divorce.
I was penniless.
And somebody had said that they got a new guy with money there.
You want to come pitch something?
Let's pitch an Internet TV show.
So we did that.
We pitched that.
And it got me out of the hole.
I was able to hold on to my house.
I worked with Brendan again.
Three people watched the show.
And then we were back at Air America for a year.
And then we got fired again.
But the catch to it this time was they didn't take our security pass cards.
They didn't really throw us out of the building either.
They wanted us out, but we had our pass cards.
We still had our office for a certain amount of time.
I think through the end of a contract, we had like two months on this contract.
So Brendan and I decided we were going to do a podcast and we started breaking into the studios after hours, having people up there and recording the first, I guess, six or eight WTFs.
Having guests come up the freight elevator, sneaking people in, having the late night jam sessions.
And that is how WTF started.
Now, obviously, the original idea was to really make it more about what the fuck and what the fuck moments.
So I'm going to read some of those today, too.
And then it just became about where I stand and where my brain is.
And I thought it kept within that theme.
There was no reason to minimize it into segments that were what the fuck oriented.
It's all what the fuck.
That's what I do.
My life is what the fuck.
So that is the short history.
Now here we are in our 100th episode.
And the journey we've taken is mind blowing.
I feel like a slightly better person.
I feel a little more well-adjusted.
I feel a little more capable of conversation.
And I feel like I've depleted just about everything in my fucking brain to entertain you guys.
That my small talk during this particular root canal is getting a little tedious.
So I'm going to have to get out of my head.
That's the project for the next 100 or so WTFs is to look out into the world a little more as opposed to look into my own fucking brain.
So I also want to thank you what the fuckers for sending me shit.
Man, when I go to shows, I get baked goods, I get cupcakes, I get banana bread, I get pies.
I get all kinds of things.
Some guy came up to me in Atlanta and gave me this weird array of DVDs and CDs.
He gave me Miller's Crossing and the Lenny Bruce performance film.
I get pillowcases with cowgirls on them.
I get t-shirts.
I get shower magnets that say meet rules.
I get comic books.
I get hats with eyes on them.
I got a red Janine Garofalo t-shirt.
I get DVDs of all kinds.
I get cassettes, mixtape cassettes with original art on them.
I get nerd cock paintings of actual cocks.
I get weird graphic design pieces.
I get t-shirt ideas.
And God, I fucking love it.
I love the barter of it.
If you can't afford to donate money to the show, then please send me things.
I hang them up.
I enjoy them.
I like getting things in the mail.
And I might as well throw a plug.
I'm plugging here because this is listener supported.
We are listener supported.
We are doing okay.
I don't want to make it for pay.
I want you guys to have it.
I appreciate everybody who's donating.
But we could sure use some more people getting on board with the monthly donations.
I'll send you a t-shirt.
I got books too.
I got a few books.
If you want a book instead of some of the other swag.
But if you can afford that, kick a little bread our way.
Because I am doing this for a living.
I am.
This is where I'm at.
WTF and stand up.
You know, I get a lot of email from you guys and gals, you what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuck nicks, whatever you want to call yourselves.
I do get a lot of email.
Some of them are what the fuck stories, which I'll address.
I will address because I got an email from this girl, Kate.
Mark, my name is Kate.
I'm in eighth grade and I have been listening to your podcast from the beginning.
I have filled many hours driving cross country and on the bus with your show.
Is Kate a runaway?
I am in geometry.
I would consider myself smart and admire the fact that you have attracted the whole scale of people.
What the Fuck is the best podcast out there, but first, I would like to bring up a problem.
As everyone knows, the name of the show is What the Fuck, WTF.
I was listening to the first one again and saw how much it has changed.
You have not given many, if any, What the Fuck moments.
I really miss those.
May even ask your guests for their WTF moments.
Also, all your guests are awesome.
I really enjoyed all you had to say about Carlos Mencia.
They're a really great part of the show.
This being said, I think you should have a show.
You should have a show to yourself and the guest being you.
You can talk about a whole bunch of random stuff or ask for questions from your fans and interview yourself.
Love the podcast.
Totally awesome.
That's from eighth grader Kate, who I think may be a runaway because she spends a lot of time on the bus or driving.
Or perhaps she just stole a car and she's in the cross-country thing.
But yeah, Kate is right.
I do need to read some stuff.
So I'm going to read some stuff now.
This is the opportunity.
This is sort of a long one, but I thought it made a good case and it was very well written and executed.
As you know, if you listen to this show, I presented the new paradigm shift.
The nerd cock idea, the nerd cock paradigm, as the shift from the controlling powers of culture are now nerds as opposed to jocks or rock people.
My progression is sort of jock cock, rock cock, and now we have nerd cock, which is a little different.
It's a little more...
I don't know.
It's disturbing.
It's a little twitchy, jerkier.
But nonetheless, it is the new paradigm.
Don't give up on the nerd cock.
Mark, a revolution has to warm to a boil.
I tell you this as a non-female, non-gay owner of your oral tract turned product.
Reference, episode 91, UCB.
I wear the nerd cock with pride.
Although my wife makes me covered up with duct tape when I'm around the children, so as not to sully the quickly imprintable minds of our progeny.
But who the hell am I kidding?
They came from our loins and were genetically predetermined to appreciate the wry sagacity of the nerd cock.
However, I acquiesce.
out of a practical self-preservation to avoid the uncomfortable moment of having to explain to my son's third grade teacher why his weekly creative writing subject was nerdcock, the reason why.
But to continue, by real world application of your premise, and by that I mean actually wearing the unedited version in a public space, I've come to find that the shirt is, as Brecht has said, not a mirror of reality, but a hammer with which to shape it.
That's in quotes.
I have found that wearing the shirt, unlike so many other below go creations, is not just a bumper sticker, a passive proclamation of my twisted left leanings, but an action which shapes my day as I move through it.
It is a colorful tool, allowing me to create little WTF moments wherever I go.
It gives me no little pleasure to travel carefully adorned with it and catch the eye and expression of my fellow men and women as they are introduced to your vision.
Like this little old lady sitting across next to me on the train, quietly collected and organized with her list of to-dos as she realizes the import of my message and the blood rushes to her face with so many unexpected and foreign or deeply submerged and naughty thoughts.
or the group of teenagers downtown who delight in their discovery of yet another way to shove the middle finger in the face of those old bastards who have forgotten everything important in life, but also a little confused and pleasantly surprised to find that one of them is wearing it.
Or the young family of four whose father, realizing the poisoning iniquity sitting across from him on the bus, carefully and purposefully attempts to inch himself into the line of sight so that he can practically preserve himself from having to explain to his young son what a nerdcock is and does.
And my brother-in-law, who so quick-wittedly responded, quote, is that a statement or a request for service?
Looks a little too close to needcock, unquote.
So I urge you, don't despair and do not falter.
Please continue to warm the fire of that wicked little revolution because I think we all need to step down from our own self-assurances and have a WTF moment once in a while.
It keeps us humble and human.
And as Aristotle said, quote, the gods are fond of a joke and man, this tea does not disappoint.
Godspeed and good luck, your humble servant in what the fucknitude.
Patrick.
Peace.
A nerdcock missionary, my friends.
A nerdcock missionary.
Hello?
Hey, Mom.
Hi.
What's going on?
Hi, Mark.
Yeah.
I didn't know who it was.
It sounds so strange.
I'm good.
How are you?
What's happening?
Nothing.
You didn't go around and get married or anything, right?
No, I didn't get married.
Why would I do that?
I don't know, Mark.
I've been listening to you.
I heard your latest today.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
So you were concerned that I might go get married?
No, you didn't even talk about her as far as I know.
We'll see what happens.
Please don't get married.
We can't afford it.
Okay.
So did your cousin Debbie come see you in Atlanta?
I have no idea if she was there.
I imagine she would have said something if she was there.
I didn't see her.
I would imagine she would have, too.
She has quite a mouthpiece.
Although sometimes she feels kind of if you're surrounded by your public, I think she backs away.
Oh, she would have said hi.
She said hi last time she was there.
Yeah, yeah.
So we got our 100th episode coming up.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
I'm very proud of you, Mark.
Thank you.
You've gone, even John said it the other day.
He says, whatever, you know, you seem to be able to just put another, you know, go another road.
If this road doesn't work out, you find another road.
Yeah.
And it's true.
I'm real proud of you.
Thank you.
What if I, you think, I'm not going to run out of road, am I?
Are you going to run out?
Well, you know what, Mark?
If you do, you'll find another one.
Okay.
I don't think you're running out of this road so fast.
In fact, you know, Lisa just got back from her camp, you know, in Maine.
She said...
Three of the counselors there were so into the podcast.
When they heard you, she was your cousin, they got so excited.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So it made her feel, you know, oh, my God, my cousin Mark.
He's actually doing something that people recognize.
Even in Maine, in the woods of Maine.
No kidding.
Yep.
Well, that's exciting.
How's your love life?
It's good, you know.
I've been seeing this girl, and it's a little crazy to me.
Did she pick you up?
What does that mean?
In the 1970s style?
Yeah, well, it doesn't matter what style.
I mean, she saw you and decided that she was going to date you.
Yeah, that is how it worked, yeah.
All right.
Is that how it happens?
I guess that's how it happens.
It seems like that's how they get to you.
Did she graduate high school yet?
Yes.
What does she do?
She's 27.
Okay, what does she do?
She studied psychology.
She wants to get her graduate degree in psychology, and she's down here.
She's going to try to get work as a substitute teacher.
She used to work with kids, disturbed kids.
So I think that's fine training for me.
I think so.
I think it's about as good as I can get.
Probably.
All right.
A little older would do.
So who's on your 100th episode?
It's just going to be listeners and, you know, maybe read some emails, contact some listeners.
Okay.
You know, talk to you.
You're going to call me?
I'm calling you right now.
Oh, you mean I'm on now?
Yeah, surprise.
Oh.
Well, so far I've said only good things.
I think, you know, I want to tell you something.
Whether I'm on or not, I knew something was wrong when I heard the lilt in your voice.
The what?
The lilt.
The lilt in my voice.
Yes.
It was so refreshing.
That's why I asked if you ran off and got married.
Because I sounded happy?
Yes.
Oh, no.
I was just being professional.
Oh, my God.
Well, next time, please call me and let's pretend.
Okay.
All right.
I will.
Is your father going to be on, too?
Yeah, but I don't think he's ever listened to it.
Yes, he must have.
I don't think he has any idea how to listen to it.
I'm willing to bet you that he hasn't listened to it.
Well, I love it.
Okay, well, that's good.
So I'm going to bet you and then I'll call him and I'll talk to him and I'll say, so we're doing our 100th podcast.
Are you enjoying them?
And he'll be like, ah, you know, I couldn't figure out how to get it.
How do you get it?
I bet you.
I bet you.
Oh, God.
Well, when is it on?
I'll check.
I'll find out.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, baby.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello.
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, how you doing, man?
Good.
Where are you?
I mean, we're heading up towards Trinidad or Calistoga.
How's it going?
Doing good.
Everything's great in my life.
How's yours?
Good, man.
Been traveling a lot.
That's good.
You deserve it.
I mean...
Just take every opportunity you can and just capitalize on it because that's how you're going to work into your grand finale of your life.
The grand finale?
Am I in the grand finale yet?
Does music start?
How do I know when that's happening?
Are you in the grand finale?
I am.
I am in the grand finale.
Fortunately, my health is still reasonably okay.
I'm working my ass off.
I love it.
So have a good time.
We're doing our 100th episode.
Of the podcast.
You are?
Yeah.
Of the bypass.
Of the podcast.
The podcast.
Oh, the broadcast.
Yeah.
Oh, the podcast or the one in New York?
No, no, the podcast.
Yeah, the one I do at home.
Have you listened to any of those?
Have you listened to any of those?
I really haven't been able to do that.
Yeah.
I haven't had the time to do it.
Right.
But it's going good.
You know, when I see you sometime, I'll, you know, you can carry me through a couple hours.
I just want to hear what you were thinking when you said it.
Sure, sure.
You know, just so much, I'm busy as shit.
Sure.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
What are you doing exactly?
Are you in the car?
No, no, no.
I'm just, we're just, we're going to walk around Calistoga and we're heading up to Trinidad.
All right, for the Bar Mitzvah, I just couldn't pull it off.
I'm too busy.
You know, send my love to everybody, and I'm sure that won't matter.
Yeah, I'll do that.
Be careful and enjoy your life.
Talk soon.
Okay, Dave.
Bye.
Bye.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
All right, so here's what's going on.
In the studio, I have Jessica Sanchez, who, because it's the 100th episode, and because we are dating, is that what you call it?
Yes.
All right, and the fact is, you were a fan.
Now, we're trying not to use the word stalker, right?
Yeah.
But you were a fan of the podcast, so I wanted to talk to you as a woman about my podcast.
Okay.
I mean, I was a fan of the podcast before I met you, and we did not meet in a podcast-related situation.
Okay.
That's fine.
But you emailed me before I met you.
Yes.
And then you emailed me again after I met you.
Yes.
And you emailed me back like 10 minutes later.
Okay.
I understand.
Okay.
But as a fan, as a woman, what is it about my podcast that is appealing?
Outside of your feelings about me.
I mean, you're just a person listening to the podcast.
Well, you're somewhat similar to a woman.
I guess in a lot of the other podcasts I've listened to, they're usually male-fronted.
They talk about, you know, boobs and shit and that type of stuff.
Not that you don't, but you've got a lot of other words in there with the boobs and the shit.
And so I enjoy that.
And that is just you.
You like the way I hide the words boobs and shit with smarter talk.
Yes.
Yes.
You're not sitting here talking about construction and big tits.
And that's what I... I don't relate to construction and big tits.
I don't either.
I can't even imagine why that conversation would happen.
Here?
No, I mean in general.
I don't talk about tits.
No, I know what I'm saying.
That's why I like you because a lot of other podcasts...
But am I a girly in the way that I, my brain works?
Maybe you're girly in the way that you express it, that you express that your brain works.
Oh, and that's a chick thing?
Well, it's not a chick thing.
It should be, it's something that's been deemed to be a chick thing, but it should be an every person thing.
Every person has thoughts.
Every person has feelings.
Right.
And I think the way, the reason your podcast connects so much with other people is because you say those thoughts, you say those feelings and other people have those same thoughts and feelings.
okay yeah well I'm sorry if I didn't allow you to have your feelings earlier I don't know what that means remember when you got mad at me I'm having these feelings and there's nothing you know I can't stop them yeah I'm sorry about that okay apology accepted sorry for yelling at you too yeah I'm sorry for yelling at you I like when you yell though when you get to that point I know you do I know you do
Okay, so we good?
Yeah, we're good.
All right.
Well, now at least I know how you were coming at me as a fan, and now you know me as differently.
Now you know me better.
I know you differently.
Okay.
Thanks, Jessica.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay, now let's talk to some of you guys.
I got this email.
Listen to this.
Subject line.
Relationship problems.
No matter how much of the fault is on your parents, blaming it on them will not help.
When you give all the blame, especially in adulthood, to one entity, you also give them all the power to control it.
With your attitude, you let only your parents have the power to change you.
Take more of the responsibility of your own relationship problems and forget about your parents who beget it all.
Only then will you be able to help yourself accept a woman that appreciates you and one that you will appreciate.
Sincerely, Ray15.
P.S.
Good luck.
Ray15.
Are you going to tell me a fucking 15-year-old kid wrote this?
Seriously.
I'm calling this kid.
I'm fucking calling him.
Hello?
Ray.
Yes?
Mark Maron.
How you doing, Mark Maron?
What's up, buddy?
Nothing, just reading some summer books.
Yeah, really?
Like, what books are you reading?
I gotta read Pride and Prejudice.
You're a pretty deep kid.
You're really 15 years old?
Yeah.
So you sent me this email.
Do you remember sending it to me?
Yeah, I remember.
So where do you get off knowing all this stuff about relationships?
How does that happen?
Well, I just take in a lot of things around me and come up with my own stuff.
Really?
Sorry, so now you know a lot about me, right?
Yeah, I've been here since your first show.
And where do you live, Matt?
I live in San Antonio, Texas.
All right, so I've been dating this girl for a while.
Yeah.
And it's getting a little irritating.
It's like she loves me a lot and I have feelings for her, but it's getting irritating.
And I'm reading your email about my parents and everything, and my mother is very irritating as well.
So what do I got to do to make this work out?
Well, first thing I would say is
Look at the things in your relationship with this woman that is really important to you.
Yeah.
What are the key things that you really want?
Right.
That if you didn't have her, that you would be missing very much.
Yeah.
And then look at the things that she aggravates you because she's obviously important to everyone in this world that can aggravate you.
Just me or everybody?
No, everyone.
Because we're all different people.
Right.
And you just see if you can make...
compromises that you would rather have the stuff that she gives you that you love and what you want to give to her that she loves over the things that aggravate you.
So it's a negotiation.
Like, I got to say, like, all right, well, this is really aggravating and makes me want to throw her out of the car, but this is kind of nice, so maybe I'll keep her in the car.
Yeah.
I mean, it really has come down to that.
But either way, I shouldn't throw her out of the car.
now no you should do it differently than that no of course yeah i i mean i wouldn't do that and you know i don't want to sound that aggressive i you know she's all right i bought her a present you know once you start buying them presents you know it's all you know the gases the die is cast if you buy i found that recently that if you're going to buy a present especially if you buy a thoughtful present uh that's it it's you know you might as well be getting married
Do you got a girlfriend or anything?
No.
Yeah.
You just theorize about this stuff?
You just sit at home reading Pride and Prejudice, theorizing about healthy relationships?
No.
I don't really make myself think about it.
It just happened when I was listening to your show.
Oh, well, that's good.
So has my show helped you out at all?
Yeah, it really does.
I'm connecting with some of the things you say.
And...
It really did help.
I actually wouldn't have been listening to you unless I got sick one day and was searching on my team.
And you just saw it?
Yeah.
What was the matter with you?
You just were sick?
Yeah, I just had the flu.
Oh.
What's it like being 15?
It's been a long time, man.
Yeah, it's school.
You know, some things are good, some things are bad.
All the BS in high school.
Yeah.
It's kind of annoying.
What do you like doing?
Like, what kind of guy are you at school?
Oh, yeah.
I'm the guy who doesn't have any group, but I go and talk to everyone around everyone and play baseball, too.
You're the guy who's able to move freely through all clans.
Yeah.
That was me, too, man.
Yeah, I like it that way.
Yeah.
I don't want to...
I just want to make something with just one thing.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a good way to be.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe it is.
I mean, if whatever I am is somehow appealing, then maybe you should do it a little differently than me, Ray.
It's a good way to be sometimes, but sometimes you need that person.
It's always going to be there for you.
Oh, yeah.
Do you have one of those?
Eh, sometimes.
yeah so that doesn't sound that sounds uh the logic doesn't work out does it yeah sometimes you gotta have that one little clip that you're always with right it's only a couple a couple of dudes right yeah yeah the ones you trust yeah it's pretty hard to find in high school yeah because you know you just never know who's going to change on you you know one year your best friends the next year it's like you don't even know the guy i know did that happen
Yeah, it's happened.
All right, man.
Even with girls, too.
Oh, yeah.
But you're lucky, though, because you can legally make out with high school girls.
Yeah.
So you play baseball?
You're on the team?
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
You're a smart guy, and you play baseball.
Fuck, you got it made, man.
Thanks.
Well, thank you for your help, Ray, and thanks for listening to the show.
Yeah, thanks.
Love your show.
All right, here's another email from a listener.
Hey, Mark.
I just listened to your Mike Birbiglia episode.
Glad you had him on.
He cracks me up.
And I'm sure that you've gotten a thousand of these since you said it.
But I'm a Chinese American and I think you're hilarious because I'm pretty neurotic and self-aware myself.
Is it bragging to call myself self-aware?
I never really knew about the alt comedy or whatever you'd call it until I listened to your podcast, but now I'm hooked.
Thanks.
Somehow your conversations make me feel good and bad about myself at the same time.
Best, Albert.
Well, I want to call this guy because maybe he can help me out.
As you know, I'm a little intimidated by Asians and I hate to generalize, but I am to generalize racially or I think in other terms, in other words, be racist.
But maybe he can help me out with that and also maybe explain a little bit about what this good and bad at the same time thing is.
Because I certainly know that.
It wouldn't be a surprise to me if someone else felt that as well.
So let's give Albert a call.
Hello?
Albert.
Hey.
Mark Maron.
Hey, how's it going?
Where are you?
Where are you located?
I'm in Berkeley, next to San Francisco.
I know Berkeley.
Yeah.
Did you grow up there?
Are you going to school there?
What?
No, I just graduated.
I graduated in May.
Really?
With what kind of degree?
I studied linguistics and Japanese.
Japanese, but you're not Japanese.
No, no, I'm Chinese.
You're Chinese, like your parents are from China Chinese?
Mm-hmm.
They're, like, I was the first, well...
I was the first of my immediate family.
So you speak Chinese?
Yeah.
That's amazing.
And you speak Japanese as well?
Yeah.
I was kind of a language nerd.
So I studied a bunch of random languages for no reason.
I have no knack for it.
I actually had to take a test that proved that I was incapable of learning a language so I wouldn't have to worry about it.
Isn't that cowardly?
They had a test for that?
Yeah, when I was in high school, you had a language deficiency, or no, college.
They had a language deficiency test, which I, you know, to me it all looked like math.
I couldn't quite figure it out.
I'm not sure I understand English grammar that well.
Well, I mean, it's something that you don't really have to think about, luckily.
That's right, right.
But isn't it like breaking down languages and the tenses and everything else?
It was just overwhelming for me.
I can barely speak properly as it is.
So let's talk about Japanese and Chinese for a minute because I've decided these are both, and you listen to the podcast.
Yeah, I've decided these are cultures that I have problems communicating with.
I'm not having any problem with you.
We're having a nice conversation.
You're laughing.
And I don't want to generalize Asians broadly in a racist way.
But I have a very difficult time communicating with the Chinese people and the Korean people I've met.
Not Margaret Cho particularly, but say salespeople or people I meet on the street.
Is there a difference in how Asian people take in humor or something?
I don't know, man.
I don't know how to communicate with them either.
I grew up in Oregon, and I was surrounded with, like, you know, Americans, like white people, you know, a bunch of, like, Mormons and Christians.
You don't know how to communicate with Chinese people either?
Not really.
I mean, I think it's like language.
It's like I should have taken a test to say that I didn't know how to communicate with them other than language, you know?
But, like, your parents are... The culture is weird to me.
But you come from it, right?
Yeah.
Well, my parents do, but... But you speak to them in Chinese.
What makes them laugh?
I mean, you know, are there... Like, I just... It seems very... It all seems very abrupt to me.
In the emotional language of the Asians I've met, it seems very different than my needy, neurotic disposition.
Yeah.
Man, I don't know.
I...
I really identify with that part, the neurotic part.
I don't know if it's the same kind of neediness, but that self-awareness is what I tune into.
So you're completely self-conscious like me?
I think you need to tune into that demographic.
I think they're out there.
There are other ones like me, but it's not the general population.
Maybe it is all right to generalize some of them, but you've got to find the ones that...
That are as neurotic.
Okay.
I've met a couple.
There was another guy I met in New York, too.
Maybe I should stop.
I think that really I am suffering from some sort of minor racism in that I've generalized Chinese people as...
as people that just are incapable of understanding me, forgetting that, you know, one generation past, I mean, like, you sound completely different.
You have no accent, and you grew up with Chinese-speaking parents.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah, and my parents have a crazy accent.
They're like... I mean, the way that Chinese works is that there's a lot of tones, right?
So the intonation and, like, the pitch and stuff changes all over the place.
And so it sounds like we're really...
Or when speaking Chinese, it sounds like you're kind of angry and yelling all the time.
It's just what all my friends thought.
Oh, really?
It's also quite hilarious, but we're not allowed to make fun of it.
Go for it, man.
I mean, all my friends did.
They told me that they thought my parents were yelling at, like, everyone all the time whenever they were hearing my parents speak Chinese.
They thought that you were getting in trouble?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They thought that, like, my parents were angry at them when they were talking to me.
That's hilarious.
Can you tell a joke in Chinese?
Oh, God.
I mean, I can't because my Chinese isn't good enough.
I mean, I can communicate, but I can't really, like... I can't make jokes, but...
There are a lot of language jokes, actually.
I mean, that's what gets me laughing a lot.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
There's like a lot of puns and stuff, I guess.
Maybe it's a simpler... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's almost like it's ancient.
See, there's something in my brain that keeps wanting to make Chinese...
Like this ancient thing.
They laugh at shadow puppets and funny faces.
I think I'm a lot more racist than I thought.
So tell me about this feeling in your email.
You said, I make you feel good and bad about myself at the same time.
What does that mean?
Well, I don't know.
It's that you make me recognize a lot of things inside myself that I've thought about.
It makes me feel like I'm identifying with you.
That there's someone out there that's like me.
And also, at the same time, those aren't great things.
Like I think about how I'm an asshole all the time.
And I'm doing everything wrong.
And those issues.
I get to identify with you.
and then it forces me to recognize it all in myself.
So it's good to have the feeling of identification, and it's bad to realize what you're identifying with.
Yeah, except I guess it's good to recognize it.
It just feels like shit.
Yeah, you and I are exactly the same.
It's just like this ridiculous, vicious circle of thought that somebody needs to get.
I think the thing that we have to do, Albert, is get the fuck out of our heads.
Yeah.
There's got to be a few things that make you feel good, right?
Yeah, I try to surprise myself a lot.
I try to do as many weird things as possible because I can't be unoriginal.
I guess I have anxiety issues about being similar to other people because that means I have no identity somehow.
Oh, God, yeah, I know that one.
Yeah, you're terminally unique.
There's nobody like you.
Yeah.
Which it double-edged sword because that means, like, well, you really can't hang around people who, you know, who seem, you know, the same because that would mean that you're doing something wrong.
And you can't hang around people that you think are mediocre because, you know, then you're giving in.
They're wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah, then you're giving in.
Yeah, I don't want to give in.
You know, I'm not going to give up.
Hell no, man.
You should be completely different and remain forever alone.
Fight the fight.
Yeah, I'd say it's worth it.
I'm not sure if it's worth it.
Well, I mean, it was good talking to you.
I mean, we could hang out if I come up to Berkeley.
All right, yeah, I'd love to see you.
I mean, I haven't had a chance to see you live yet because I just started listening to you.
Like a couple months ago when I've been around.
I'm going to be at the Punchline in November.
Oh, awesome.
In San Francisco.
All right.
All right, Albert.
You changed my thoughts on Asian people.
I'm not going to lump you all into one category.
All right, look for that one demographic or that one section of Asian people who know what you're talking about.
They're out there.
Okay, thanks, buddy.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
How do you like that?
An Asian guy like me, exactly like me.
It's a human thing.
It's not a cultural thing.
It's not a race-specific thing.
He was set free from his ancient past and language, and he's just like me.
That is inspiring.
Albert, my buddy.
My Asian buddy, Albert.
I have one now.
I want to have my yoga instructor listen to it.
She seems like a happy person, but who knows?
I like the interview you had with Andy.
I didn't know much about him.
Listening about his career path was really interesting.
The only WTF moment I can mention here was I was in New York City a year or so ago with my family in the American Girl Store.
This is a store that sells specific dolls and their merchandise.
My husband was sitting on the bench where the other husbands sat waiting for their wives and daughters.
to finish her shopping.
When I approached my husband, he was staring with great intent, listening to a little girl rationalizing with her father why she needed a certain item.
The father was being pretty firm on why the child didn't need another doll, which seemed very normal, but the guy was Andy.
You couldn't mistake his voice.
It was strange seeing someone somewhat famous acting like a real dad.
What the fuck?
My husband would have caved within the first two minutes of whining from either of my kids.
That's from Laura.
A WTF moment.
I had a dream last night where you were standing at the end of a cul-de-sac and we were going to Dane Cook's wedding.
I wasn't wearing any pants.
I walked up to you and said, quote, I'm starting this new thing where I'm not wearing pants.
It's all about integrity.
You looked at me and said, are you going to the wedding like that?
I said, yeah, I'm not going to sell out.
Then the vintage Bentleys that were going to be everyone's transport to the wedding arrived and I became self-conscious, went inside and put some pants on.
What the fuck?
Yeah, I don't know, buddy.
I think that I guess maybe when in the presence of Bentleys and the possibility of really being exposed, you kind of second guess yourself.
I don't know if that's more about you or Dane Cook.
That's from Grant.
Hi, Mark.
I'm a new listener and I'm loving the show.
I started listening on Monday of this week.
It is now Thursday and I've listened to 38 episodes.
Jesus Christ.
That's a lot of me.
It's a good thing to listen to at work.
Anyways, I was listening to an episode while biking over the Manhattan Bridge today in which you and Matt Besser were talking about retards calling each other retards and how you'd love to hear about that happening.
So here's my story.
I have a cousin who is mentally handicapped.
I am unable to call her retarded and feel comfortable.
Whatever.
She was in a vocational special ed class and she and her friend were whispering and talking over the teacher.
The teacher eventually got upset and said to them, be quiet and listen.
You need to pay attention.
Don't you want to learn?
You could get a job like mine someday.
To which my cousin's friend responded, why would I want to teach a bunch of retards?
My cousin thought this was so funny she couldn't stop laughing and almost got expelled.
Thanks for the podcast.
Love it, obviously.
Matt.
That's a great story.
Okay, as many of you know, I have begun a bromance with Joe Wagner, who basically solicited me to do that.
He wanted a friend, he wanted an older guy friend, so we're going to try that out.
Many of you listened to that episode, and I should have a report from the bromance front next week, because Joe is going to be...
On the live WTF that's occurring tomorrow night.
That is August 20th at 8 p.m.
at UCB, Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in L.A.
Having had... Joe and I are going to go to a movie.
We're going to hang out.
We're going to chat.
We'll see how it goes.
And you'll find out next week.
How's that?
But I got another application...
From somebody for the bromance.
And let me read that.
Hi, Mark.
I feel that I could make a much better friend than Joe Wagner and even better sidekick than Matthew.
As you remember, Matthew Weiss, of course, from the first five or six episodes of WTF.
I've listened to every episode, so I know who you are as a person more than any of those non-listeners who claim they want friendship.
my father died when i was 12 so i would also be looking for a father figure even though i'm 36 i believe your influence could rub off on me i'm an open miker so you would fit into the whole role as mentor perfectly maybe i could be like your son who goes on to do what you never quite could under your direction i'm married with two young boys so if you ever want kids you could just take mine i'm also sober for 15 years in recovery so i think that we have a foundation there plus i don't like sports
I spent my adolescence partying as a guitarist in a rock band.
At 21, our classic rock band broke up when someone gave the lead singer Speed and an Iron Maiden album.
The lead guitarist went on a Mormon mission after his parents threatened to disown him and the drummer swept with the bass player's girlfriend and tried to have him killed by two thugs in a cattle prod.
That sounds like a good story.
After I got sober, I spent 13 years watching TV on the couch with my sober wife.
Then I heard someone needed to replace Conan O'Brien, so I decided to start a talk show from my bedroom.
My wife suggested we go to couples therapy, but she couldn't make it, so I went alone.
The therapist said the words jumping out at him were, quote, cornered by life, unquote, and, quote, dead on the inside, unquote.
Here I am, 114 episodes and two and a half years later, looking to you, Mark, for friendship.
What the fuck?
He attached a short demo reel, and then he said, I think I could be the guy that you could call, and I think I would make for a good sidekick.
I know how to shut up and let you do the talking, and then put my two cents in when needed.
Let me know what you think.
I love the show.
Duke.
Okay.
Let's call Duke.
Duke.
Hello?
Duke.
Yes.
Mark Maron.
Hey, Mark.
How's it going, man?
Good.
How you doing, buddy?
I'm doing excellent.
I'm doing excellent.
It's great to hear from you.
Thanks, man.
It's good to talk to you, too.
I was going over your application.
My bromance application?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got your bromance application.
And I thought maybe we should talk about it.
Oh, great.
Great.
So you're pretty sober, huh?
Yes, 15 years.
And has that been a rewarding experience for you?
Yeah, I think it's been rewarding.
I mean, I have a wife and two kids as a result of it.
Now, in my understanding of your application, that means I can spend time at your home, right?
Yes.
Sure, of course.
And your kids become my surrogate kids if I need to have that in my life.
Yeah, I figure if you want to go fishing or go to Disneyland or something like that, just have the fun experiences.
I'll take care of the hard stuff.
Well, I mean, that sounds like a pretty good offer there.
And then I don't have to deal with any of the bit of even having a wife or a mother to worry.
Yeah, that sounds good.
uh let's see what else have we got okay now i tend to have crises occasionally like let's say let's say i call you up like three in the morning because i'm having a panic attack like you know like nothing's worth living for i i'm in trouble uh what's the fucking point uh what do you say what do what would you say to that
Sure, sure.
I've had panic attacks my whole life, since I was 15.
Really?
Heart palpitations, sweaty palms.
Oh, yeah.
Out of this world feeling.
Right.
Weird thoughts.
Okay, so you would... I'm right there.
Okay, so how would you handle me if I was having a panic attack?
What would you say?
Well, I would say...
For one thing, this isn't going to last forever.
That's pretty good.
Let's breathe.
Yeah.
Let's breathe.
Yeah.
You know, the paper bag thing never really worked for me.
No.
Did the paper bag thing ever work for you?
No, I only had one panic attack that required a paper bag.
Usually my panic attacks are not really panic.
They're more of like, I feel like shit, I'm going to call somebody, and they're going to try to talk me out of feeling like shit, and then I'll try to talk them into feeling like shit.
That's how I roll.
Right.
Yeah.
Right, right.
I would say the panic attack, it's usually the first thought that's the worst thing.
Yeah.
Like, oh my God, I'm having a panic attack.
Right.
And then you start thinking, how long is this panic attack going to last?
What if I'm driving when I have a panic attack?
Right.
What if this happens tomorrow?
You could have a panic attack just thinking about having a panic attack.
Yeah, that's exactly how I have them.
That's pretty interesting.
So tell me about this show that you do.
So two and a half years ago, I heard that Conan O'Brien needed a replacement, so I figured I'll just start a talk show.
And I started out of my bedroom, and I made my wife my sidekick, and I had two friends in the audience, and then the next week I had four friends in the audience, and then after...
24 episodes, I had like 30 people in my bedroom.
Yeah.
And then the neighbors complained.
And so I went to the American Legion Hall, the Veterans Hall, and I started doing it there.
And it started off good and then kind of went to mediocre.
Yeah.
And it's kind of a subpar talk show.
You're really selling this thing.
Yes.
Well, I put all of my passion into it, my whole heart, everything.
And the result is, unfortunately, kind of a subpar show.
But there's moments of magic.
Sure.
So what's the status of your talk show now, Duke?
Well, so I got kicked out of the Veterans Hall because I couldn't pay rent.
And then I moved to a nightclub, and then I got kicked out of there because they weren't making any money.
And then I moved to a recording studio, and I quit because they were kind of jerks.
So now I'm without a studio.
My last venture was I did an opening monologue at an open mic, and I kind of put it together like a reality show with a voiceover and did like a little eight-minute show.
So that's where I am right now.
I'm without a studio.
Without a studio, without guests, without an audience, you have recorded an opening monologue at an open mic.
Where are you located, man?
I'm in Dana Point, California, about an hour south of you.
So you're an hour south of show business.
And what do you do for work?
Well, you know, I was actually dedicating myself to this talk show for two years, and I drove my family into bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossession, all that stuff.
And then recently I just got a part-time job
where this company flies me around to take pictures of people while they're working to make sure that they're really working.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
So I spent a week in Oklahoma, and then I just was in El Paso, Texas, and I got to do comedy two nights in El Paso, and I won an open mic contest there.
Well, that's awesome.
But let's get back to this taking pictures of people working to show they're working.
Who hires you, and what do you take pictures of?
It's an advertising company that hangs those, these door hangers on your front door, little advertisements.
Yeah.
So there's a guy with a truck with like six walkers and he's driving these people around to walk door to door.
So they send me to make sure that they're not like just throwing the stuff out.
They're actually hanging it on people's doors.
So you're actually like working for the company in a position just one tier above the flyer hangers.
Exactly.
I'm watching the flyer hangers, and then they're watching me.
I have a GPS phone, so they know exactly where I am.
Man, this has got big brother all over it.
Yes.
Well, all right, buddy.
Well, look, I will consider the bromance application.
A couple of things are attractive.
I like the idea of having children that I don't have to be that responsible for.
I like the idea of having someone to call in a pinch.
The recovery thing, that's good.
You don't play guitar anymore or...
Well, I can.
I do.
I write songs.
I've written a bunch of songs.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I still play guitar.
So it could be a jam partner.
Okay, jam partner.
That's appealing.
And the wife, how is she holding up?
The wife, she's a yoga teacher.
So she needs a lot of yoga to deal with the stress that I bring to the family.
Yeah.
But you guys are okay?
She still likes you?
Yeah, she still likes me.
So that's good.
Oh, good, good, man.
So you haven't destroyed everything.
Well, look, let me think about it, Duke.
And is there some place that people can go to look at your stuff?
Dukefightmaster.com.
Dukefightmaster.com.
Well, I appreciate your application.
I'm glad we had this conversation.
And I'll have someone get in touch.
All right, Mark.
I appreciate it, man.
I'm a big fan.
I love the show.
And Mondays and Thursdays are my favorite day.
And your show is by far the first one I listen to whenever I get the chance.
I never have a choice.
You're the best, buddy.
Thanks, Duke.
All right.
Talk to you later.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay, I got another email here from a guy who had a problem.
Now, you know, I'm not really a scatological dude.
I don't do the shit humor.
It's not my thing.
I don't really like listening to it.
But we did do an email a couple weeks ago about a guy who did some justcoffee.coop and actually shit his pants.
I thought that was appropriate.
And apparently it resonated with another listener because I got another email that sort of compounds off of that one.
Is that possible?
Is that a word that there's a tie-in?
So if you don't mind, I'd like to do some follow-up on this email.
So I'm going to call this fella Anton and see what that's about.
All right.
It's Marc Maron, buddy.
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
I didn't expect to even get a response.
Yeah, so this is Anton, and I got your email, and it's a pretty interesting story.
Yeah.
So you want to tell me what happened exactly?
Yeah, I usually listen to you like...
You know, every morning that it comes out.
Yeah.
But that morning I had to take a walk, and I paused the podcast.
And when I came back and started it up, I was listening to the story that you were reading from an email.
And I went to break wind on my balcony.
I was smoking a cigarette.
And as often happens with me, I mess my pants.
Uh-huh.
So I get up, and I'm walking to the bathroom as I'm listening to the story.
And the story turns out to be about a guy messing his pants.
Yeah.
So I paused the podcast while I sit on the toilet, and it was too much.
I emailed you.
It was a little embarrassing.
From the toilet on my iPhone.
Man, I appreciate that.
I think that, if anything, my podcast encourages that type of intimacy between people.
to where you're you're texting me from your toilet that you had a ser a synchronistic experience uh you know messing your pants along while listening to a story about a guy who did the same thing yeah now what is it why do you say that you mess your pants frequently is that just a hobby of yours or no i got like a i got a sensitive digestive system yeah and uh
I'm lactose intolerant.
Wow.
And it's actually kind of, I don't do well with processed foods either.
I've had some shrimp fried rice the night before.
That doesn't usually bother me.
I can't do chow mein, but shrimp fried rice I can handle.
Yeah.
Usually.
Yeah.
But this happens to me like a little more than twice a year.
Oh, all right.
So it's kind of a biannual thing.
I think biannual means every two, doesn't it?
Okay, so semi-annual.
Was that right?
I don't know.
Oh, man.
We're dumb.
Yeah.
But, okay, so it was the shrimp fried rice.
I'm glad that helped that detail.
It's good to know it wasn't chow mein.
It was shrimp fried rice.
Yeah.
Well, those details work pretty well.
Well, so I wish I could say you won a prize, you know, for sure.
That's all right.
It's pretty cool itself.
Oh, cool.
Where am I calling you?
Where do you live?
I live in Anaheim, California.
Oh, you're not too far.
Yeah.
Right over by Disneyland.
Exactly.
I'm like one freeway exit away from there.
Do you go to Disneyland?
Yeah.
I've been at Disneyland four times in my life, and I've lived here for 23 years.
Oh, my God.
So you shit your pants more than you go to Disneyland, I guess we can say.
I shit my pants more than I eat birthday cake.
All right, Anton.
Hey, my producer said I should ask you to say pow.
pow oh pow oh yeah wow yeah pow because i just shit my pants yeah good times you want to get you want to put a little you don't want to put a little something into it pow i just shit my pants yeah anton man i appreciate you listening and thanks for uh for being on the show we're going to use this in the uh 100th anniversary show all right appreciate you having me on yeah it was great talking to you buddy take care
So I did the first podcast, this guy Linus' first podcast.
I think it's called the Stand Up Underground Podcast.
And the board op who was there, who was a Polish immigrant to England, he was just basically on the board recording this stuff.
And I get an email from him.
This is this guy, Marcin.
He says, Hi, Mark.
I met you a few days ago in the studio in London when I was recording your interview with Linus.
I found it very interesting and also refreshing.
Some of your ideas were really appealing to me.
And on a number of occasions, I felt like I heard my own thoughts put on a piece of paper by means of your articulatory system.
Anyway, I came up with this tune just for the sake of it or anything else.
A quick mishmash of a few fragments taken from the interview embedded in some random harmonies.
I'm not to my own horn here, but it was sort of interesting.
I don't know where a song like this is played or where this is used, but perhaps the the most existentially challenging dance club.
Maybe let's just call it the sad dance.
That's what I'll call it.
But he called it.
I just want to feel better.
I think our brains do a certain thing, and then either you choose to express that, you know, what's going on in your brain, or you choose to say, I'm not going to let that bother me, despite the fact that it's bothering you.
And that struggle seems a little boring.
The festering thing inside of us all is just based on fear, and the fears are all the same.
Am I going to be okay?
How long am I going to have this job?
What happens after I die?
Do I like my wife?
It's all the same shit.
How anyone deals with it or stuffs it or processes it.
Once you get past people's resistance, it's sort of a relief.
Everybody wants to cry.
You just rather they laugh.
Most people put most of their energy in trying to get by and trying to, you know, act as if they have their shit together and trying to keep a job they don't like and trying to behave properly with their partners, with their family, with their employees.
So that means that most human energy goes into pretending to be something you're not and to fight the dialogue that's going on in your head.
I need some growth to happen.
Yeah, I need that dark thing to be over.
What's usually inside of most people is like, I want to get the fuck out of here.
I can't do this.
I'm scared.
Who the fuck is this guy?
But instead you're like, hi, how's it going?
I don't have anything specific.
Let's just all hope everything goes well.
I just want to feel better.
If I could get to the point where I'm actually pursuing happiness as opposed to relief, that will be the next phase.
I've been going through my emails and I got to tell you, there is one fan that emails a lot and they're always nice.
They're not weird.
They're they're either sort of complimentary or, you know, I didn't like this.
Maybe you should do this next time, which I mean, could be seen as irritating, but it's not.
And she emailed a lot and she donates to the show.
Her name is Amy.
She's always been very supportive.
And I met her at Max Fun Con.
And I believe she went there to meet me.
But then I found out, you know, that's what I thought.
But then I found out she really likes the Radiolab guy.
Whatever.
I'm trying not to be jealous.
So I'm going to, let's call Amy.
She'll have something to say.
She'll have some input.
Hi.
How are you, Amy?
I'm good.
How are you?
I'm good.
Are you talking to all your fans?
Well, I've only talked to a few fans, and we were having a hard time finding a girl fan, and you fell into that category.
Oh, I'm a girl fan.
Okay, good.
I'll be a girl fan.
Nobody emails as much as you, Amy.
Nobody?
No.
I get very consistent email correspondence and critical notes about the show and some positive notes about the show.
You're a podcast fan.
I am a podcast fan.
You did bring the blueberries to the last WTF Comics table.
And I sent you something.
Did you get the package I sent you today?
You sent me a package today.
I don't think I would have gotten it.
Oh.
Right.
So, I mean, I sent it Monday.
You were supposed to get it today.
Where'd you send it to the P.O.
Box?
Yeah.
I'll go down and check.
You'll get it.
So, okay, so as a... Now, given that this is our 100th episode and we're talking to a diehard WTF fan, Amy, so how about some notes, your favorite episodes, perhaps some things that you'd like to see?
Here's my take.
This is what I think.
I think what's so interesting about your show is that it's kind of...
you think you don't have any friends, but people seem to like you more than you believe they do.
Then you have this whole shtick that, what would you say, that even the people who like you, your whole thing is you're going to push them away and be as horrible to them as you can possibly be, and then say, do you like me now, do you like me now?
But underneath that is a really kind person.
And then you constantly want to shit on your listeners and say,
Yeah, if I got too famous, they wouldn't like me, or if I were really doing well, my fans would get upset.
That always gets me, because it's like, why?
Why do you think we would want anything but success for you?
And I think you're starting to kind of come around.
But, you know, you could be successful.
You'll find this market.
You've got this whole freemium thing going and you'll figure it out.
But it's funny just because you don't want to, like, let it in, you know.
Yeah.
But I think you can't help it anyway because people are probably bombarding you.
Yeah.
So you're saying that as an evolution of the podcast, I should let the love in?
well i don't think that you'll have a choice i think it they are notion and and i kind of think like you know i met you right after you had done the carlosman the effort that that you were sitting there brooding about you were really ruminating about doing the follow-up you know and then you did that
And that kind of, like if you look at the evolution of the hundred episodes, you know, there's been these like pivotal moments.
Yeah.
Where they're bigger and bigger, where you've got like a new drawing, whoever your artist is, says the Robin Williams or the Ben Stiller.
You know, you've got your superstar people.
But, you know, people just like your story too.
And then you sang.
That was so sweet.
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
I mean, that was so nice.
Thank you.
I mean, I'm sure people loved that.
No, they did.
I think everything's going okay, and it's nice that you're so excited about it.
Now, where'd you get those blueberries?
I picked them.
I picked them at a local farm stand called Care Hewn.
Okay, well, I'm coming back on the 15th.
I know, but it's not blueberry season.
So what is it?
I mean, I can't help you there.
What about melons or anything?
Maybe I'll bring you a pie.
A pie, okay.
No, I could do a pie, but you complain about baked goods.
I'm watching my weight, and I just started today, so by then I should be on a slippery slope.
That's another one of your messed up things.
Okay.
Yeah.
Right?
I mean, it's funny.
Okay.
It's funny.
It's funny that I'm messed up.
No, I don't mean that you're messed up.
It's just that you think you're fat.
I know.
It's crazy.
I have an obese man.
Well, you're not.
I know.
Thank you.
That's all I wanted to hear.
That's the only reason I called, Amy.
Okay, well, you look thin, and it looks like you put up some new pictures somewhere.
No, you did.
You got a haircut, and you put up some new pictures, and you look even thinner than before.
Oh, this has been the best.
Which is so sad.
You're the best fan.
It's so sad that that makes you happy.
I know.
That's so pathetic.
Okay, I think we can end there.
Okay, we can end on that.
That's pathetic, Mark.
But you're still great.
How's that?
Great.
Thank you, Amy.
All right.
You're welcome.
I'll talk to you in New York.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
That was Amy, super fan, but not in a creepy way.
And she brought blueberries, as we talked about, to the comic show.
Of WTF, which will be up, I believe, next week in the next week or so, the live show with Susie Essman and Jeff Garland and Joe Mandy and Gary Goldman.
We all enjoyed Amy's blueberries.
She was so thoughtful to bring.
That show, of course, will be available at WTF Podshop.
There's a couple up there.
If you haven't gone and downloaded the second live premium show with Michael, Ian Black, and myself getting into it, getting intense, getting awkward, remaining awkward.
Okay, here's another piece of music.
A piece of music out of concern.
A piece of music from a couple of fans that wanted to make my life easier.
Dear Mark, my wife and I are big fans of WTF.
During a recent long drive, we listened to several episodes in a row and were struck by a pattern.
Often, when a guest comes on, you'd start the interview by apologizing for how you'd spoken to them in the past and explain how you weren't that guy anymore.
After hearing similar exchanges in a bunch of shows, she and I got to talking about how it would be simpler and funny if you had a song you could play instead of having to run through the whole apology slash explanation thing each time.
So we made one.
It's a little barbershop quartet number, about 40 seconds long.
It doesn't mention you by name, but was inspired by WTF.
All the best, Lucas and Jody.
Well, let's give that a listen.
I mean, if it's going to make my life easier and we can use it, let's use it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm sorry I was a douchebag The first time you met me I'm so sorry I was a big fat jerk The time will you know when And I hope you know I'm not that guy anymore And if we were to meet today He's so nice, he's so sweet, he's so not a douchebag
As much as I like that piece of music, I think I'm going to have to also go ahead and apologize for real as well.
But thank you.
Thank you, Lucas and Jody.
As I do these shows, being that this is the 100th episode, the one thing that I didn't really realize would happen was that I would be getting a response that I really didn't anticipate.
I really had no expectations out of this show.
I think Brendan and I got into doing it thinking we might get maybe a few hundred people, 1,500 people, a few old fans from my radio times, but I had no idea that it would take off the way it did.
And deeper than that, I had no idea that it would connect to people in the way that it does.
I know that we started off with a lot of what the fuck moments, but I still get a lot of emails from you guys and I still read a lot of emails from you guys.
And the one thing that I and gals, sorry, the one thing that I do notice is that you're connecting with me on some other level than I'm than I ever imagined possible.
It's not really about comedy.
It seems to be about sharing what is inside of my head or having the freedom to do that.
What I've grown to realize as I do this show is that many of us spend our lives just trying to get by, just trying to get through life, just trying to act properly, just trying to hold on to a job, a woman, a situation, to try to behave in front of your children or your friends.
I mean, that is a lot of work pretending to be something we're not, but I'm not saying that that's a bad thing.
I think that's just about being civilized and trying to behave yourself.
We can't walk around crying or screaming or
or yelling at everybody all the time.
You've got to save that for special moments.
But I think that's one of the reasons why people are connecting with this, and I certainly appreciate it, and it's more rewarding than anything I've ever done comedically.
And I certainly want to thank all of you for listening.
And I'm sorry I'm so crazy sometimes, but I am.
And I feel a little less crazy, and I don't want that to worry you.
We've got a lot of good episodes coming up.
I've got a lot of big plans for the show.
I don't seem to be getting that better that quickly.
see like right now i'm second guessing what i just said and i'm going back over it in my head and i'm wondering if it's stupid you know is it necessary is it funny you know what should i do maybe i should go to the gym maybe i'm not going to go to the gym i've got to eat better how come my tooth still hurts why is it so hot in my garage how come i bought another air conditioner that's really shitty
Why do I keep yelling at my girlfriend for no reason?
How is anything going to change?
Is it worth changing?
I'm almost dead.
Does anybody really change?
I mean, how about changing?
How is it good to change?
Doesn't it feel bad when you can't honor your impulses and feelings?
Yes.
Is it appropriate sometimes?
Yes.
All these thoughts just happened just then.
They really just happened.
Right now I'm thinking, God damn it, why didn't I get Central Air?
Right now I'm thinking, this is fucking stupid.
Who really wants to know what I'm thinking?
Right now I'm thinking, there are some people that still didn't get their t-shirts yet.
Fuck.
Well, I guess that's it.
Thank you so much.
100 episodes.
I can't fucking believe it.
I can't even say to myself, wow, what have I done lately?
Or I don't do anything.
Or I don't try hard enough.
Or I'm not really fucking working to my full potential.
I can't believe we've got this many episodes.
And I can't really believe that there's that many people that wanted to talk to me.
Oh, isn't that sad?
No, they're my friends.
You're my friends.
I really appreciate you hanging in.
And I guess we're going to keep going.
That seems to be the plan.
You can go to WTFPod.com and get up to speed with everything there.
Kick in a few shekels into the hat.
Who says that?
Am I 50, 60, 70, 90?
Am I an old Jew?
How about a few shekels for the old man?
No, you know, you can donate.
You can get on the mailing list.
I'm doing that.
You can go to justcoffee.coop and get some of that.
You can go to punchwinemagazine.com and do his thing since he helps us out.
Standuprecords.com also.
He put out my first three CDs.
What else?
I don't know if I've ever done a hundred of anythings.
Like consecutively.
I think I've masturbated thousands of times in my life.
Do you ever think about that?
What a waste.
But fun.
Hmm.
Again, I'd like to thank Brendan McDonald for being my partner and bringing his genius to this show.
Brian Fernandez for helping us out with the interning stuff.
Adam Lamas, my site designer.
And Angry Girl...
Michelle at Angry Girl for making our t-shirts.
Who else?
iTunes.
You.
This is getting ridiculous.
I'm not accepting an award.
We've just finished our 100th episode.
Back to things as normal.
Next week.
Thanks, you guys.
Love yous.
Love yous.
Love you alls.
Pick one of those.
Put it all in there.
Brendan, it's up to you.
How are you going to make me look?