Ep. 585: "Undercover Genie"
Hello.
Hi, John.
Hi, Merlin.
How's it going?
Oh.
Oh.
Easy like Monday morning.
You just saw I said that in a thread earlier.
No, did you really?
Look above the Japchae.
What the who?
Oh, sorry.
And our message is, I told you that I was easy like Sunday morning.
You were?
I said that last time.
I said that on June 23rd.
Let's see.
We've got, there's you, your drummer, and his friend.
And my black friend.
Yeah, my black friend.
You got Chap Che.
He cooked this at 7.30.
I'm easy like Sunday morning.
Oh, wow.
See?
Now, do you think you were incepted, or is that something?
Do you say that sometimes?
Yeah.
That's not really your kind of thing to say.
I was singing it, though.
Oh, my God.
Do people know that's the Commodores, John?
I don't know.
I think it's the Commodores, isn't it?
Easy like Sunday morning.
I feel like that's definitely the Commodores.
I think of it as like a 70s AM radio, and if you told me that it was like a white guy with a mustache, I'd say, oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, hell yeah.
If I told you it was Andrew Gold, you'd be like, oh, I don't know.
Oh, sure, sure.
Andrew Gold, he's amazing.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he was born in September 1963 or something like that.
I don't remember what year he was born.
Anyway, but he's a lonely boy.
All those guys were born in 1948.
I thought they were all born in the 50s is what Sting says.
You know, though, I don't know.
I don't know.
Sometimes I have a thought.
No.
Yeah.
You.
And the thing is, I shouldn't say it because I don't want to sound disparaging.
But even though it seems like there's sometimes a pattern where there's a band.
And the band gets real good.
And then kind of one personality sort of kind of comes to the fore.
Yeah.
you know, over time for various reasons.
Like Terry Kath, he's no longer around.
So Peter Cetera, more and more, starts insinuating his gentle style into the work of Chicago.
It becomes less and less Terry Kath-like.
But you know, I mean, if you think about... Genesis.
If you think about Heart, they got more and more gentle, sold more and more records.
Yeah, what about Love?
If they ask the musical question, what about Love?
What?
yeah i know those ladies one of them yeah and than the other yeah well no yeah yeah nancy nancy you know wait no i'm sorry i meant i'm sorry i meant nancy they have similar sounding names yeah they do they're they're they're lady names i don't see gender
It's becoming a problem.
Oh, even worse all the time, I bet.
I don't know what room to go into.
You know, my Zoom workplace.
I don't know.
Zoom I don't use for anything other than this.
This one conversation you and I have is the only reason I am ever on Zoom, I guess.
Maybe that's wrong.
This is my new Skype, yeah.
But anyway, now it says get more done with AI Companion.
Oh, yeah.
Wait, we're not going to talk about music anymore.
We're talking about AI.
Yeah.
Oh, well.
No, no, no.
Get into it.
Why not both?
Let's say no dose.
I get a pro tip personally.
I always get a pro tip at the top of mine.
A pro tip for using Zoom Workplace better?
It says pro tip.
And this is the one I've had for a while now.
I should hit the little X. It says you could use a bigger room.
But I don't think that's accurate.
It says purchase a large.
Oh, boy.
Purchase a large meetings add-on and make sure no one gets left out by increasing your meeting participants to 500 or 1,000.
And there's a link, a call to action, as you say.
It says buy now.
Oh, buy now.
Yeah.
I got one one time that says sign up now for endless meetings.
And I said, I think I said on the internet that next to Red Lobster's threat slash promise of endless shrimp, probably the most horrific, because I think of those bottom dwellers, you know, in the Indonesian ocean with those creepy eyes.
Oh, right.
I got a video I'm going to send you about that.
I don't want endless meetings.
I don't want endless shrimp.
I don't want endless anything.
No, you're right.
I love an end.
Even when I sit and think like, okay, the genie shows up and the genie says, three wishes.
And I'm like, I've been planning for this genie.
I know all the little ins and outs of it.
I know that if I say, oh, I want to be a fast runner, you're going to be like, okay, but you lose your nose or whatever it is that genies do.
And I've got it all.
You're only fast at running if you have to take a wet shit.
Yeah, or something like that.
It's a monkey's paw type situation.
Yeah, a monkey's paw.
I'm not going to get fooled by some genie monkey paw.
You've been preparing your whole life for this, John.
I have.
And I also know that in one sentence, you can sort of amalgamate several wishes, but it's all one wish if you just say it right.
You just have to phrase it right and you can get multiple wishes in a single wish.
So if you get three wishes and you say them correctly, you can get like nine wishes, really.
And just to be clear here, I know some of you, let's be honest, the simpler folk are thinking, you know, oh, I want a million dollars or I want 60 wishes.
No, I mean, that's really amateur stuff.
Amateur, amateur stuff.
I don't want to talk about this because I have thought about it too.
And the things that I plan to ask for, I think the genie will find...
Because what do we know about genies?
Okay, go.
They're kind of addictive assholes.
We got them locked in a bottle.
They've been in a bottle.
They're mad.
They're going to come out.
They're going to give you three wishes, but you're not going to like it.
It's going to be like the service economy in Hawaii.
They'll do it, but they won't like you.
Yeah.
Which I understand, personally.
I understand all too well.
Yeah.
When we landed at Kauai, there was a sign right outside the...
Right side the airport that says, spend your money and leave.
Yeah.
It was a handmade sign.
Yeah.
Not from the official.
It wasn't Margaret Atwood's Bureau.
Okay.
See, I'm more likely, I feel like, to say something like, for the rest of my life, I would like things to turn out better than I expected.
But then the genie's going to be like, you die tomorrow.
You tell me now, how does he fuck that up?
How does he screw me with that?
Well, that's the thing.
The rest of your life, it's too ambiguous, right?
It's like, yeah, you didn't say, genie, don't let me die tomorrow.
I think people get so fixated on this acquisitive sort of like, I want a thing.
Like, I want a jelly donut or whatever.
Right.
And I guess I'm asking for something more conceptual.
Well, whenever, because I would like to live longer than a typical human life.
Really?
I do.
Have you thought about that?
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do think that living to be 85 or 90 years old is just not long enough.
I already at 55, 56 feel like, come on, come on, like, let's stretch this out a little bit.
Like, there's a lot more to do.
I think part of that is having an imagination that just sort of imagined I would do everything in this life.
Yeah, that's tough for you.
You've got a lot of big ideas about things that you can do and a lot of disappointment when they don't happen, I feel like.
Maybe you could ask to never feel disappointed again.
Well, yeah, but that's one of these things where you just end up in a white padded room where you're just laughing.
Is that how they get you?
You think that's how they get you?
I think that's how they get you.
You have to be prepared for all the little like, oh, you never want to be unhappy again.
I'll take away all your sense of reason, you know, instead of like, give me what I'm looking for.
Do you think a genie could take away all of my sense?
I don't have that much left.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You're saying he'll leave me depleted.
He'll leave me a husk of myself where things are turning out better than I expected because at this point, maybe I have a lot of problems.
Maybe it's like God made a bet with the devil and he said, listen, I'm going to fuck Job up good.
Job's my number one guy.
Right.
And the devil's like, oh, that guy's going to turn on you in no time.
And God's like, no, no, no, you don't know.
I can fuck with this guy so hard.
I'm going to kill his asses.
I'm going to kill his family.
I'm going to kill everything.
And he's still going to be nice to me because I'm God.
Sure.
So I don't know how genius.
The thing is, it's sort of like, you know, things get confusing on Game of Thrones to some extent when the Red Woman appears.
Because we're moving from a world where we know there's magic, but magic doesn't become a big part of the story anymore.
Until there's like a creepy dragon lady made of smoke that comes in and yeah, it's very scary.
Yeah, she made Stannis into smoke.
But I want to live longer.
I don't know.
I get this regret all the time where I'm looking around.
I'm like, wait a minute.
What about your infrastructure?
What about that husk you're carrying around?
I mean, the thing is you're going to be 109 years old and you're still going to be disappointing yourself, but also like your dick falls off.
This is part of how you phrase the question.
You can't say, I want to live to be 400 years old and be in a 400 year old body.
You have to start.
Like the red woman.
She uses, she fucks.
I always say, I say to my kid, you do all the needle drugs you want, but don't fuck with blood magic.
I'm always saying this to my kid.
And we watched that a couple of the seasons with the red woman.
We stopped the show because we're at the point where the show was less and diminishing returns.
But, no, I'm still a fan.
But, you know, up through six.
And that's pretty much.
Just don't name your daughter Daenerys.
That's what I told everybody at the time.
I was like, don't do it.
Don't do it.
It's kind of jinx.
I don't know.
Is that racist, jinx?
I don't know.
And, you know, my young person had a play companion and school companion who had a sister named Daenerys.
And I would hear that name yelled at the play around.
No, people should talk to us about naming things.
That's the thing.
I mean, three seasons into Game of Thrones, you're like, Daenerys, what could ever go wrong?
And it's like, oh, I don't think – I haven't even read the later books, but I know this is – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, and like so – but like a lot of the stuff that I'm mentioning and I wonder – I know a lot of – I feel like a lot of the stuff that I'm talking about, ironically enough, ultimately could come down to a change of attitude or something by me –
When you think about addressing the djinn, do you think about, like, do you know what you're up against with this person?
And do you feel like you've covered your angles?
You've thought this stuff through.
And the same way you look at a crow, you look the djinn in the eyes, and you're saying, like, what am I in for here?
Don't try to get cute with me.
Well, that's the thing.
I just don't understand how the magic of a djinn works.
I don't think I'm so much smarter than an ancient genie that lives in a bottle that I'm going to get all the way around all of these tricks.
But I do feel like I'm not going to ask any genie to solve any emotional or mental problems for me.
I'm getting that from you.
That's where they could derange you.
Yes.
You could be deranged by a genie.
Because as you know, anytime it's a whack-a-mole.
Anytime you're like, oh, I feel better now.
All of a sudden, I'm not having an anxiety attack anymore.
And then over here, it's like, oh, now you don't have any friends.
It's like, ah, shit.
Was my anxiety the reason I had friends?
It's making me anxious now and I don't even have a degeny.
Do you say degeny or degeny?
Do you say geny?
We say geny.
We got to keep it simple.
I say geny.
I'm not somebody that's like.
Do you think it's like the Great Babu?
No, I went to, you know, Istanbul or something.
I don't want to get cute about it.
I'm not going to speak Castilian.
But like, are you thinking of more of the Great Babu?
Are you thinking more of like the Great Gazoo?
Or are you thinking of I Dream of Genie?
Well, this is the thing.
You can't, you don't, you go to war with the genie you have.
I was thinking exactly.
It's the unknown unknowns of the genes.
That's right.
I'm not, that's the thing.
I'm not waiting here for a genie.
I'm just ready.
In case, you know, like that's 90% of the preparation I do is not because I know or think about the future at all.
It's that in case something happens, don't be caught with your pants down.
Don't be like, what?
Is it fair to say this is a theme for you?
Something that comes up when we visit with people, people will talk about keeping a small bag packed.
You have in the past, at something like length,
talked about the way that your pillows would turn into owls at night, and eventually that became a way of you knowing that the UFOs wanted you to be the anchorman.
It's those kinds of things, right?
It's a currently speculative situation, but preparation for one thing might in some ways help you prepare for other things, but you won't know until you see what you're prepared for.
100%.
Do you agree?
I think it's a factor of not really having any plan at all.
In that case, you have to have
plans at least thought about you know you just have to be like i don't know what's gonna because honestly i have no idea what's going to happen the rest of today as soon as i'm off the phone with you i think i have one other thing that i have to do and then i don't know what's going to happen anything could happen i could be anywhere and so if anything can happen
What happens if I walk out the door and there's a genie?
What happens if I walk out the door and there's a bunch of FBI guys out there?
What happens if, you know, in my dream, in my dream last night, I remember talking to some people, some friends, saying, listen, if the cops ever come to you and say, was John with you last night, always say yes.
If they ask that question, then automatically you know that I've told them that I was with you last night.
So just if...
If the cops say, was John with you last night, always say yes.
And then if it turns out you have to walk it back, then you can be like, oh, I thought you meant the night before last.
We're different, John.
Yeah, but don't say, huh?
No.
Because then you screwed it up.
The thing is, at that point, you can't say, I was just watching a thing that involves prepping people for a tough interview.
And it's that wonderful show with Billy Piper.
And what's your name about interviewing Prince Andrew?
And he's coached to say, I think he's coached to say, I don't recall.
I don't recall.
There's a very specific way I think you're supposed to say that, which of course does make you sound pretty sketchy when you say that.
I don't recall.
That's a kind of preparation, but I'm not sure if it... I don't think it makes you a lot of friends to say that.
But it's also... This is why I always say, if you're giving an excuse, and let's be honest, you know when you're giving an excuse to somebody, only ever give one excuse for something.
And that sounds like a silly thing to say, John.
I'm going to tell you something.
I've met people who don't realize you only ever give one excuse.
And what you end up with is something along the lines of...
Well, I was tired, but also there was, I burned a thing, but also it was, yeah.
And also, and you made me do it.
I can't come to your party because I'll be out of the country and also I'm sick.
Yeah.
That's how it feels sometimes.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Also, I haven't been feeling that well, so I don't know.
yeah i've started lately uh saying like last night i was like oh god i haven't written that guy it was like three months ago and i i went through my inbox and i was like where's the letter that i was supposed to and i was like oh there it is and he's just a simple question he just asked a simple question
And the only reason I remembered it is I was thinking about something and then thinking about something and thinking about something.
And then this guy popped into my head and I was like, didn't I have a thing?
I don't have to tell you because you and I have the same exact kind of ADHD, except it's totally different.
Also, we had the same 80s.
And I have to tell you, I would...
Be okay with somebody thinking this is purely a bit that I do, but it's not a bit.
On more than one occasion, things, especially in the last few years, really going back to my website days, things that I've written and published started as me responding to an email.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's happened a whole bunch of times.
Maybe one of the better known things I wrote on 43 Folders is very somewhat famously something I which is down right now.
So don't go there.
But but but but but but you.
Yes.
I don't know.
So anyway, this guy, he wrote me a thing.
He was like, hey, I run a venue.
One question.
One question.
Yeah, go ahead.
No, no.
He asked you one question.
Oh, yeah.
I run a venue, which I know.
I know the guy.
And he's like, how are things?
I'd love to get you in here to do a show.
And it was such a like, do a show.
And then I'm immediately like, a show, a show.
I'll have feathers and I'll have a computer that talks to me in like a hilarious 80s robot voice and is like calling out songs like, gone.
Hey, and I'll be like, hey, robot, what song should I play next?
And the robot will go, John, you should play.
And then the feathers.
And then the audience will be like, hooray.
And they'll all pay $150.
And I never write the guy back.
Three months goes by and it's the middle of the night and I'm walking around.
I'm thinking about this.
I'm thinking about that.
I'm like, oh.
Oh my God, I got to write that guy.
Oh geez.
So I write him and instead of saying I was sick, I was out of the country, I was out of town or whatever.
I didn't write you back because I just said, Hey man, sorry.
I didn't write you back anyway.
And then here's the, here's my new trick.
I said, why don't we get lunch?
Because I'm turning everything into getting lunch now.
Every single thing that comes in, I'm just like, let's turn this into lunch.
Because if it's lunch, then it's not just like, I'll write you an email.
It's like, I have to get out of bed.
I have to go do a thing.
Is it a form of...
commitment for you?
Like, so if you're, if you turn this, if we, if we, as you say, turn this into lunch, let's turn this into lunch.
And so now we're coming, we're going to come together on where, where we would meet and what time and so forth.
And it makes you feel like you're sort of committed.
Is that the idea?
Committed.
And then you also get lunch out of it, which is also committed.
I know I have to eat lunch.
I don't, I normally don't eat lunch.
So it's a special, like now I'm gonna eat lunch and I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go to a place.
Got it.
And, and over the course of, of weeks and months, I'll go to many places.
I'll see many things.
This person, I could have written him back and said, yeah, give me some dates.
And then he'd throw three dates at me and I'd say like, let's put on a show on this date.
And then it would end up in the newspaper.
And then I would be hanging out here.
Like, I don't have any feathers.
I don't have a computer that talks to me in an eighties voice.
How the hell am I supposed to?
I'm just got, I got to sit here with an acoustic guitar and learn cinnamon again.
I don't want to do that.
Yeah.
But if I have a lunch.
And then we sit and we talk about big things.
And then he's like, well, what if we wheel a bathtub on stage?
And I'm like, this is exactly what I needed.
It's making it, it sounds silly to say, but it's making it more real, both as a thing you're going to do as an appointment with this person.
And then, in fact, as something you'd like a guest to probably do, which is play more shows, right?
It makes it more real.
The other day, your friend, Jason Finn, texted me, and he said, you're having a Fourth of July party.
Did you hear what happened, by the way?
Can you tell me what happened?
No, what happened?
I'll tell you later.
Go ahead.
No, he didn't realize for a long time that he was texting me instead of you, and he sent me mini, mini grills.
He sent you what?
Grills.
Oh, he was texting you grills?
I received from Jason, with very little context, so many grills.
And the first one, I said, fancy.
And then I kind of went away for a while, and I kept hearing the blipping, and I came back.
And I said, is there any chance that these grills were intended for someone other than me?
I said, it's okay.
I do that all the time.
But just FYI, I do not understand the context for so many grills.
It wouldn't be weird for Jason to send me a grill.
I'd send him a grill in a heartbeat.
That's how our relationship is.
So he says, you're having a 4th of July party.
And I said, no, I'm not.
Oh, man, that's so good.
He said, yeah, you are.
You're having a 4th of July party.
No, you didn't understand.
I think you didn't understand the way he was phrasing it.
Is that correct?
At first, you misunderstood.
At first, it sounded like a question.
And then it sounds like you kind of realized he incepted you with barbecue.
Well, and I was for sure, I mean, we had a years long joke very early on in texting.
I was down at the crocodile cafe and there was something happening.
I don't know what it was, but it was something that I thought Jason would be interested in.
And so I texted him and I said, hit the croc.
And it was the, because he goes to bed at 6 p.m.
or whatever, it was the kind of thing that he thought was hilarious, that he would get this text and immediately put on his coat and go down to the crocodile.
And he was like, hit the croc.
And so now he says it to me all the time about, you know, like, yeah, why don't you hit the croc?
I treasure stuff like that.
But so he says, this is your first date.
You're having a 4th of July party.
And I'm like, eh.
But then I realized when I bought this house,
You know, lately I've been thinking about the, the, the late 2000 teens, not 2017 through 2020, right before the pandemic.
Yeah.
I've been thinking about those years as like great years, right?
Like I've just broken up girlfriend.
I was King Neptune.
I had a lot of things going on.
Jesse Thorne like asked me if I would start hosting max fun cons.
And I did two years where I was the main host of max fun con.
i was just everything was kind of like oh and i'd started two new podcasts i'd started uh friendly fire and omnibus all in 2017 2018.
And then I moved, I sold the farm and I bought this house.
And I remember thinking that I was entering an era where I was going to have parties.
I knew all these people, people were coming through town all the time doing shows.
And I was part of the Seattle.
I was, I'd graduated into some kind of like, well, now he's a senior member of the arts community.
And so I was looking for houses with big that had this kind of, like, I'm going to have guests.
I'm going to have parties.
And it's not in my nature to have parties.
It's in my nature to go to parties and leave early.
Were you sort of envisioning it, though, when you were looking at the house?
Were there times where you thought, oh, I can use this promenade as a place for the orchestra to play or whatever?
Yeah.
For sure.
For sure.
I only need a two-bedroom apartment.
I don't need a house.
But I was moving out here because Ari and my daughter had moved out to the suburbs.
And I was like, I'm going to get a house.
It's close to the airport.
And I'm going to have spare bedrooms where Paul Saboren can stay.
You know, like just these crazy things.
Hodgman is going to stay here.
And Colton is going to stay here.
You're establishing yourself.
And that becomes part of this new era of John.
Yeah, right.
Like I'm like, I'm in my fifties now and things are going great.
I've got good relationships with now.
If, if you recall on this program, we were during that same period talking about how desperately I needed Aloha.
Cause I was having panic attacks on airplanes.
Okay.
So it wasn't all great.
But I look back in the hazy rosy memory of pre pandemic and remember thinking like, you know, it was the first time I was actually like making a living from podcasting friendly fire and omnibus were both putting money in, which was like fun and
And so I buy this house and then the pandemic hits and then I lose all my friends.
So I'm living in this house.
I'm bouncing around.
Like what the fuck am I doing here?
You know, like if I, it was a lot of adjustment.
And I had these two bedrooms that in my, I'm just kind of, I'm recalling this right in my imagination.
This was the room that I put people that were playing a show tonight in Seattle that had landed at the airport.
They came here, they got cleaned up and then we were going to have a party after the show.
You know, I was going to provide that space.
And now I got one whole room.
That's just full of stuff that I've been meaning to sell on eBay.
Like what the, I don't, that's just like a, it's like a pustule in my mind.
Yeah.
So Finn says, you're having a 4th of July party.
I've never had anything like that.
And I said, this is a bad idea.
And he was like, and I thought about it.
I thought about it and walked around.
It was like, it's the whole reason I have a house is to have party.
And so I said, I wrote him back and I was like, I am.
And he was like, good man.
You know, he likes a good man.
People.
Good man.
Good man.
And I said, well, I don't even have a grill.
And he was like, he said, I will do this assistant work for you.
And then apparently he was sending you grill pictures.
Some of them look real nice.
And I'm so grateful that he was because I, because I think I followed up eventually and was like, I don't want to see it.
I don't want to just tell me, just tell me the good one.
Yeah.
Tell me the good one.
You pick it.
You love to do this.
You pick it wire cutter and send me the freaking thing.
And so eventually, after he buried you under grill pictures, he was like, here's the good enough one and here's the really expensive one.
And I was like, the good enough one is good enough.
Yep, yep, yep.
And I freaking ordered it.
Okay.
And it's like $200.
This is like your lunch with the genie.
It's lunch with Jeannie.
Yeah.
You know, it's fixed.
It's a fixed event.
You're good to go.
This is lunch.
And so I had never used Evite before.
I get them all the time.
And I'm like, okay, all right.
Huh, wow.
So I know that it's usable because I get them constantly.
And I was like, okay, I'm going to go on Evite.
So you go on there, and it's terrible.
It's just like Pinterest garbage pile.
It's trying to sell you stuff, and it's trying to, you know, it's like blah.
Yeah.
And I was like, and I said to myself, don't get distracted.
Don't try to get a black wedding cake.
Stay on target.
Just stay on target.
This is the dumbest thing.
It's dumb.
Nobody cares.
Nobody wants anything fancy.
They don't even want to get this.
This is a thing nobody wants to get, but I'm going to give it to them because I'm having a party that I'm not even sure I want to have.
And so I opened up my address book.
which has 5,000 names and I'm going through and I'm like, okay, that person, okay, that person, like who would I want at a 4th of July party?
I mean, you kind of want them to get along, but as you know, my friend groups don't interact with each other.
I don't have- On their own.
On their own, most of them don't know about each other.
But like at a party, would they be in groups like boys and girls at a dance?
I think they're all going to get along great.
Okay.
But I just never... It's a little, little bit late.
It's not terribly late.
That's right.
So what this is... I don't want to color...
you're, you're, you're, you're reading of this, but you know, it is, there are, might be people who are going to be like out of town and whatnot.
Oh, for sure.
And so what this is, is it's, it's June 30th, right?
It's five days away.
And so this is an orphan party.
If you, because most of us at our age are like, I don't want to, I don't want to do anything.
I think of that as being like a place where you get in with the donation of some canned food.
Yeah, there it is.
Bring an orphan.
Come on in.
And 100% this is BYOM.
Like bring your own whatever.
I bought a grill.
Now you guys, I don't even know how to use it.
So you guys come and put together.
They explain themselves.
Don't worry.
Well, the thing is half of my friends want to stand at the grill.
They're going to have to fight each other to be the one that's flipping the birds.
And so I sent out this Evite and by the time I had gotten done putting in email letters, it was 65 people.
And I was like, okay, boom.
Evite goes out to 65 people.
Did you have a sense at that time?
Well, first of all, A, how did you feel about the folks who were in there?
There must have been a combination of people you see a lot, people you don't see a lot.
But like, did you have a sense in your mind of like, do you have a rough idea of a return rate you'd like to see?
Well, if there were 15 people in my house, I would be like, I don't know why I don't have eyes on everybody.
Like where the hell are, what are they doing right now?
But everybody on this list, I trust implicitly.
It's not like anybody's going to come and like case the place and say, oh, I bet I could get in this window or whatever.
Like they're all, they're all my, they're all.
Unless you see a guy in a hazmat suit spraying for, uh,
you know, exactly, exactly.
But like I invited Charles Peterson who took all those Nirvana pictures and Charles is a marvelous person.
Is he going to come to my party?
Maybe only if he doesn't have anything else to do.
They're all old too, John.
And he's going to look at that Evite and he's going to go, huh, he must have just sent this out to everybody.
I didn't know Evite was still around.
Yeah, that's right.
He's going to say something like that.
Did you pay for this with beans?
So within 20 minutes,
Like 15 people had RSVP'd.
Some of them were bringing three friends.
And so I was like, okay, well, that's 20 people, let's say.
And, you know, some of the people that RSVP, yes, on the day will be like, ugh.
And, you know, and some of the people that haven't RSVP'd will probably come.
It is the West Coast, John.
It's the West Coast.
Things are a little different here.
People are like, totally gonna come, totally.
And then I realized, wait, I live in a neighborhood where there's no parking of any kind.
There are no sidewalks.
You have to park basically in the dirt or on somebody's lawn
or blocking traffic all right it's so funny when you the second thing that occurred to me was this is hey this is a great opportunity for you to get your neighbors on your side have them come over but if there's nowhere to park and you're bringing you're bringing a a bunch of stinky rock people to like just leave a car somewhere and parking on the lawn people don't love that you know oh no it's a it's a total disaster and you know this neighborhood has its own parade
Your neighborhood has its own parade.
Well, because it's not a neighborhood.
Oh, for July 4th.
Yeah, the city of Normandy Park.
So it's all the boomers who have Corvettes.
They all get in a line and they drive real slowly all the way down to the beach.
And it's a true parade.
People are lining the sidewalks, waving American flags.
Are there divorced men just cheering them on?
Everybody here, I think, understands the sanctity of marriage.
I understand.
I just meant Corvette, guys.
But that sounds fun.
I mean, everybody likes the Fourth of July.
You know, the one they have up in Rhode Island, where my lady's from, is the oldest Fourth of July parade in America.
It's in Bristol.
You're kidding.
Yeah, yeah.
And people love it.
It's like a whole big thing.
I think 4th of July, Syracuse, there's one Syracuse likes to go to in Long Island.
Like, I think people like these kinds of parades.
They do.
It's marvelous.
My daughter and I walk because we have American flag pants.
And we're just like, we're waving at kids and throwing candy.
And the only reason is we have American flag pants and people applaud.
Of course.
They're like, great pants.
And I'm like, thank you.
Thank you.
God bless America.
Yeah.
So not only is there no parking, but there's also like a parade.
So there's going to be, it's just going to be pure chaos.
I have no idea why I agreed to do this, but it was like, yes, do this.
Like put on a party, put on a parade, send out an Evite.
I didn't get the settings right.
So Evite now sends me an email every time anybody interacts with the invitation at all.
Don't they send you one when somebody's seen it?
Yeah, or somebody just, I opened my inbox not realizing I had done this.
I should have knew.
And it's just like, I've got 90 emails from people like, I can't come or thanks for the invite.
How did you get this number?
We'll be in Idaho or whatever.
You know, I haven't talked to you in four years.
No, it's nobody like that.
No, I know, I know, I know, I know.
But so, and I actually, I thought about inviting the guy who owns the club downtown.
That's like, why don't you come play a show?
and i was like oh but you know that would be weird because i had at the time i don't think i had i'm not sure if i had sent him the email or not anyway yeah so that's only four days from now and then i looked around and i was like wait there's a whole room in your house that's just devoted to things you you thinking you should sell on ebay like this is the time when you also have to get your whole house ready
To have strangers in it.
Okay.
Can I introduce another thought technology that I've learned from you?
Okay.
You're pushing yourself into the yellow zone.
I'm a little bit almost in the yellow zone.
Right.
I'm getting there.
Let's just connect this up.
This is something you talked about in the past, especially with regard to perhaps working with a young person, is that we can't always be in our green zone.
We don't want to live in the red zone, but sometimes we do have to sort of press ourselves.
Am I putting that close to correctly?
It's 100% correct.
That's part of what this is.
This is part of your praxis.
You're kind of like...
causing yourself to do this through a series of inevitable decisions yes and the thing is the thing about jason finn is he's basically a genie in a bottle whoa and he where did he he woke up at one well but now that i say it yeah now that i say it is it not true he's like he comes out every once in a while he's got his hair up almost anybody i i'm
He was one of the two or three people I think would be most likely to think is an undercover genie.
Because you never see it coming with him.
No, no, no.
Undercover genie is exactly what it is.
Something happened.
It's a touch by an angel, except it's a drummer.
He woke up that morning, and he chose violence, right?
He woke up, and he looked around his kitchen, which is full of very expensive machines that are there to make steak, and he was like, I'm just not satisfied with the amount of chaos that I'm creating in my own life.
I get it.
And he's like, I'm just going to throw this grenade at a guy that I know is always on the borderland
of doing something it's like he threw a projectile well maybe like i don't know if gas if like uh tear gas or something but he threw something into your yard knowing full well that you would go and inspect it and then the gas would squirt in your face and pretty soon he has a barbecue to go to are you in receipt of the grill yet john no no i got an i got a message from home depot that said your grill is out for delivery oh damn okay like of all the people that he knows that he could send a three word that's how genies work they know you have vulnerabilities
Yeah, and that person's going to, within an hour, have ordered a grill from Home Depot?
Right.
He knows that one of mine is helping people with their broken computers.
That's how he gets to me.
There it is.
Somehow, Home Depot already knew about me.
Somehow, Home Depot's like, hey, John, welcome back.
Would you like to buy a grill?
And I was like, thanks, Home Depot.
Did I buy some 2x4s from you at some point?
How the hell do you know?
How do you know who I am?
Maybe the Chinese there, too.
Sometimes genies wear orange.
Yeah, and aren't very helpful because they fired all the people that know what nails are.
I think we have nails over there.
Plumbing?
Oh, I guess it's by the bathrooms.
It's like, come on.
That would make sense.
Do you remember when you used to go into a hardware store and the guy was like, he could look at it from across the room and be like, I already know what part you need.
Oh, I know.
The time was you go into your local Ace or whatever, and there would be a man a little older than my age now wearing a vest with glasses.
And as soon as you walked in, he would nod and start handing you things because he knew what it is you actually wanted.
He could just see it in your eyes.
He knew what you needed.
No, you don't need that.
You don't need that.
And he'd put a baseball hat with the logo of the hardware store on your head at some point.
He's like, you're going to need one of these, too.
I have three hats from Chubby and Tubby's, and now I'm grateful I have them because they closed Chubby and Tubby's.
Chubby and Tubby used to go in and get $19 Converse.
Oh, wow.
And it was one of those stores, like home improvement stores where you could get Christmas trees, you could buy car hearts.
Must have worked because people were talking about it.
Chubby and Tubby.
Chubby and Tubby.
It's one of those places like Ernst or something where everybody remembers it and now we all cry because we go into Home Depot and they're like, want to buy a grill?
Yeah.
You're like, come on, you've never used a grill.
You're 22 years old.
Yeah.
But then again, I never owned a grill until now.
Until six hours from now.
No.
Six hours from now, I'm going to own my first grill.
Is this your first grill?
I'm sorry.
You're in your 50s.
This is your first grill ever.
My first grill.
Why the hell would I have a grill?
I never had anybody ever.
No, no.
Bad on me.
It is unusual, though.
I have had several grills.
No.
No, it always seems like if you can make it in a frying pan, why would you go out into the backyard?
Do you have a fire pit or anything like that?
So I have one of those giant, because at some point somebody was like, you need to have a fire pit.
Yeah, yeah.
If you go down that road, I'm going to start digging a hole in the backyard.
I'm going to be lining it with bricks.
Pretty soon it's going to be this thing that looks like a Mesoamerican smokehouse.
And I got other things to think about.
So somebody bought me one of those big solo fireplaces, outdoor aluminum fireplace.
Yeah.
And all I've got, I mean, I've got an acre of firewood here.
Like, all I've got is wood.
And so sometimes I do go light a fire in my fire.
Isn't that nice?
And I just go sit and stare at the fire.
It's very calming.
Can you deploy that for the parade party?
Oh, for sure.
For sure.
And as you know, well, you probably know, of course, among the many things that I collect, I also collect chairs.
So I've got...
600 corn cob holders i'm guessing you probably have corn cob holders i've got corn cob holders i've got like you got more corn cob holders than i've had hot meals i've got the little retractable sticks that you can cook a hot dog on a fire oh it's a good stick yeah you know i got all that stuff i've got i've got basically like 10 000 lawsuits waiting here in the in the ravine for anybody that falls over a log and down a hole they could help you with them
grab a rake and i've got lawsuits grab a rake grab a rake new york i've invited everybody and and so now but it's nice just to go back to earlier it's nice that you're getting responses and people are saying yes i just assume people wouldn't come if it were me well that's the thing i wouldn't come people are busy no except except except here we are
Here we are.
The genie gotcha.
This is what happened.
I threw this out there.
And the thing is, not just Jason.
I don't want to say Jason.
I'm not saying Jason is a genie.
I don't see nationality.
Potential genie.
You don't see him.
Well, what do we call him?
What kind of genie?
Surprise genie?
Is that what we call him?
A genie in waiting?
Yeah.
But...
That's the thing is he picked something that did work for you.
And that's what makes him a secret genie.
Right.
Because it's not like he said to you and like he offered you something that you would find out of keeping with the you you want to be.
He gave you an idea that is the you you maybe like to be.
And, you know, I go after that like a frog on a ham.
He hit the crock to me.
But what it really is, is that I want to live multiple lives, too many lives that one life can contain.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Do you contradict yourself?
You contain potential multitudes.
I'm sorry, I'm quoting Whitman.
You are a complicated fucking person, John.
You have a lot going on inside of you, and the world only gets to see a little bit.
It's like a reverse panopticon.
You know what's happening with John right now?
Yeah, it's a little aperture and you can only put your eye to it.
And then when you walk back, it's like a pinhole camera for the human soul.
Or it's like a hole that used to be at the Birdhouse bar on the Seward Highway where they'd say like, oh, go look through the hole.
And you'd go look through the hole.
But what it would really do is make a big black circle on your eye.
Oh, like in the Little Rascals.
That's funny.
Yeah, and you'd be like, what?
I didn't see anything.
I've always wanted to do that to somebody's binoculars, but it seems kind of mean.
It's kind of, it's a pretty good gag, a little raccoon gag.
This bar burned down years ago, but it was a thing that, it was one of these bars that had a bunch of panties like stapled to the ceiling.
Okay.
I don't want to see stapled panties.
I think I saw the moment for the Minutemen once.
I think apparently like the, if you took your panties off and they stapled them to the ceiling, they'd give you a free drink.
Is it only ones that people took off themselves?
You can't just go grab them or you can't bring your own.
It would be somebody who goes, I'm ready to donate some panties to the stapler.
God.
I don't think you could come and just have like panties.
No, no.
That's like one of those places.
That's like bringing your own cutoff tie.
Yeah.
Then there were dollar bills at the Comet Tavern in Seattle.
That's a real fire hazard, John.
You'd take a dollar bill and some kind of... You'd put a pin through a dollar bill and then you'd wrap it around a ball or something and they'd throw it way up because the ceilings were 30 feet high.
And if you stuck your dollar in the ceiling...
I don't know whether you got a free beer or not.
Are previous dollars hanging over everyone's heads all the time?
Oh, there's hundreds of dollars up there.
This place sounds like a death trap, John.
Is it called the Bird House?
Did they shut this place down?
No, this was the Comet.
But somehow they'd been doing it for 50 years.
Actually, Jason Finn used to work at the Comet.
He could tell us.
You could text him right now and say, did you get a free beer if you put a dollar on the roof of the Comet?
I'm starting to rethink my relationship with this little guy.
This may not be a good idea.
I don't know what kind of shit this guy's up to.
That's the thing.
Don't let him out of the bottle.
Don't let him out of the bottle.
But you know, we, we grew up thinking that at some point in our lives, you and I would be standing in the backyard of our suburban home wearing coach shorts and frying things on a grill and all of our neighbors would be there and we'd each have like four kids and they'd all be running around and we'd be smoking cigarettes and our wives would be smoking cigarettes.
And we'd have the same ADHD.
But so none of that happened.
I didn't become, I didn't go through that fifties life.
I thought I'd entertain a lot more at this point in my life.
Yes, exactly.
Because that's what it was always like you see on TV or in movies or whatever.
Think about something like the wonderful TV series Mindhunter, when Holt's having this barbecue at his house, and he's the cop that investigates crazy murder stuff.
But that's such a thing, and then people do crowd around the grill.
That's definitely a thing.
But also, July 4th is a good holiday.
Cookout...
barbecue john's place low pretty low friction like it's not okay here's here's what it's not john it's not christmas or thanksgiving it's not like dinner it's not new years which has consistently proven to be the worst holiday garbage fucking holiday it's so bad right halloween is halloween is a great holiday fourth of july is a great holiday i'm pretty sure those are the only good ones
i mean memorial day labor day fine how however the genie arrived at this he knew the right formula to who knows maybe sending me all those grills was part of it well this is the thing about telling the genie that you want to live for 900 years okay you have to make sure that you stipulate 900 years because it's close enough to infinity it's close enough to unlimited shrimp
But you're never going to say like, oh, God, I wish I had 901 years.
Yeah.
Or you could do a full Methuselah and do the 969.
Nice.
But you don't say give me unlimited life because that's what the genie's waiting for.
The genie wants you to live a horror-filled existence.
You think this is his first day?
You think you're the first one to ask for endless life and not get anything lousy from it?
Give me a prank.
No, no, no.
Endless life, because what the genie does then is put you in a cage and sink you to the bottom of the ocean like in that Charlize Theron movie.
Oh, no.
Then you spend 900 years being reanimated every 30 seconds and then drowning again.
Or maybe like an ex-vice president might ask for eternal life and then ends up in a shipping container.
Ends up in a shipping container in the desert.
Kind of a situation, Donald Rumsfeld type, you know, be careful what you ask for type situation.
Yeah, just having his bed made slightly different and his shoes are one half size too small every day.
Everything just gets the tiniest bit smaller.
But I think if you had 900 years, what is that?
That's 190-year-old lives, right?
Can't I just be 35 three times?
Well, but that's the other thing you have to say to the genie.
You have to say first before you ask for eternal life.
You have to say get me back into the body that I had.
He could Benjamin Button you.
He could like start you at 900.
Well, oh, no, but you don't want to ever be 900.
You want to always be 40.
Yeah, I understand because you got wisdom and shit, but like I just I feel like, okay, never mind.
You're the guy who's thought about this.
Or 30.
You may be 30.
No, no.
No, no, you've thought about this.
I'm not going to pursue it.
I'm just, you know what it is?
I'm the kind of simp that would be drawn in by somebody like a Jason Finn offering me something I didn't realize was an obligation I was going to be signing up to.
I know there are things that I would absolutely sign up to in a heartbeat, you know.
900 years?
Would you take 900 years?
Fuck no.
See, that's the thing.
Have you ever met anybody 900 years?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know because they still look 40.
And who knows?
Oh, man.
I mean, what?
Here's the thing.
If a genie said, you're going to be 900, it's immediately going to change your relationships with everybody you know.
Well, that's the problem, right?
Your next door neighbors right now are a big deal in your life.
But then the genie's like, you're 900, and you're going to be like, I don't give a shit about these next door neighbors.
Well, then you're like a Dracula, and you outlive everybody.
yeah but a dracula is always in pain and their skin is sparkly or whatever it is that it makes being a dracula a problem i'm not going to have that you can't eat spicy food um it's hard to get your hair right because you can't see in a mirror oh that's true but what it would do is i've always i always thought i would live in paris
Why?
I don't know.
I don't have any particular interest.
That's something that would happen on The Facts of Life.
There it is.
You go live in Paris.
You just go live in Paris.
Yeah.
No, I totally.
No, no.
I've seen the movies.
You don't have to sell me on this.
And I'm not mad about it, but just something that's becoming a someone in it.
By the way, I figured out a way we could make that into a shirt.
I spent my morning finding clip art horse heads to put on a shirt.
You and I have the same exact kind of ADHD, although it's completely opposite of each other.
And the same 80s.
You're like, I spent the morning, and I'm like, go on, finding clip art for a shirt that goes, hmm.
I don't know what it would say on it, but I got some good clip art horses.
Okay.
I'd be happy to share with you.
I'd like to see them.
I don't want approval or anything.
I'm just going to accept whatever you do.
Here's another way to think about this, I feel like, is how do you get – so you think about people who are – I'm not saying that Jason is a con genie.
But if somebody is going to con you, there's a reason.
The con is short for confidence.
And the way I understand it is the way a con works is you get – you make yourself –
seem like you're trusting the mark.
Like they don't see you coming.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Kind of like a seduction community type guy.
But like you, you know what I'm saying?
You present a situation where it seems like it's their idea.
And that to me, it seems like a good genie.
And I don't know how old Jason is.
I'm guessing he's probably two or 300 at least.
I wouldn't doubt it.
I wouldn't doubt it.
Although you would think he'd have a little bit more wisdom than he does.
Although in this situation, he's given himself a fourth of July party that he can leave early.
He doesn't have to do any washing.
He's going to get here.
He's going to fry some burgers.
He's going to make some friends.
And then he gets to go home.
Mr. Personality's here.
He's going to try and find a place to park.
And just like every other genie, just like every vampire, there's no place to park here.
They all have to deal with that.
You don't want to ask people to, there's probably no super easy public transit.
And I'm guessing you don't want to ask people to carpool because that's kind of lame.
There's no public transit of any kind.
What about a diesel shuttle like you have at Busch Gardens or Disney World?
I can't figure out.
That would be nice with little— Those long trails, those relaxing long trails of cars.
Medieval kind of tapestry on a roof.
John, you get to talk over the speaker.
You get to explain things about where they are.
That's another thing I have to navigate that I don't want to deal with.
I'm probably already going to get a knock on the door from the Normandy Park Parks Department saying, hey, who are all these people?
What are you doing here?
Like everybody else in this neighborhood is 80 years old.
Nobody's had a party since 1962.
Yeah.
The clue's in the name, Normandy Park Park Department.
Well, we're already in a park and I'm doing park stuff, so pump the brakes.
Yeah, pump the brakes.
That's right.
That's right, Ranger Rick.
In fact, my mom got a sign the other day that said that we had created a bird sanctuary.
And she's like, where do you want to put this?
Where do you get something like that?
Well, I don't know.
She found it.
It's like a proper metal sign that you put on the ground.
I love to know how the genie gets your mom.
Well, I don't know if my mom is vulnerable to genes.
Maybe I'm more interested in this than you are, but I think you've stipulated, you have presented a very interesting idea.
First of all, our acquaintance, Jason, may be one of many secret genies in our life and we don't know, but I'm also just very intrigued by the idea of somebody who's able to know you well enough to, forgive me for saying this for the third time, to sort of incept you.
By which I just mean plants an idea.
I don't mean literally the movie, but plant an idea in your head.
It'll seem like it's a good idea.
Maybe in some cases it seems like he's going to help, you know?
Right, right, right.
But, I mean, it must have worked.
Look at you.
You're getting a grill today.
Like I say, there's going to be people fighting over the control of the grill, and there's going to be people probably fighting over control of the fireplace.
You know what they could do?
You've got to get space invaders, and they could put their quarter up to be the next person who gets to do the grill.
Oh, that's a good idea.
But then I'm going to be walking people through the house going like, well, this is the eBay room.
And this over here is the room that I earmarked for like friends that were coming to stay.
And, you know, and I had this tile custom made and the people are going to be like, for my freak offs.
And I have no, and then there's going to be kids, I guess, falling down.
I was going to ask you about kids because kids can make these kinds of things.
Very funny.
Fun.
Especially if you plan ahead, maybe bring out some lawn darts.
I specifically, I specifically put it in the invite.
Perfect.
kids welcome yes your kids bring your kids and so it's going to be just a kid free for all though nothing here is kids safe there's there's a freaking hat stand full of swords they'll be like what am i doing with the there's so many bb guns in this house this place it's going to be an absolute chaos machine yeah but i'm gonna have done it right this is when the genie gives me 900 lives i'm gonna say well you know i don't need to do that i don't need to live in the suburbs and have a fourth of july party because i did it
I don't know about living in Paris.
Has Jason given all the help he's going to give with his wisdom about grills?
Or do you think he could, could he be your, like your adjutant or your aid to camp?
No, I don't think that's, that's a job that, you know, he, when I said buy me a grill or find me a grill, he was like, man, that's for a job for an assistant, but I guess I'll do it.
Like if I were to say, Hey, you're deputized.
He's going to go, screw you.
Where's my 50 bucks?
Cause you're not, cause you're not his genie.
You, you don't know how to incentivize him in the same way that he knows how to incentivize you fair.
This is the thing.
I'm not, I am not, uh, uh, anybody else's like, I'm not ever trying to manipulate.
Oh, I'm trying to not, I'm never trying to manipulate anybody.
Right.
Like everything, because I'm so like, uh, the future just hits me like a wave in every second.
I'm never thinking ahead.
I'm always amazed at people that are like playing some long game.
People would have, I would have to be so, I would have, have to have such clearer thinking and be so much better organized in order to undermine people.
I just don't have it.
I don't have the energy to undermine people.
no can you imagine i mean this was part of the problem with my relationship with the with the millennium girlfriend which was that she she was like you're the you're the dom and i was like okay i am here okay and she was like yeah and i said well what does that entail and she was like well it entails that you think about what i'm doing every minute of the day i don't even know i don't even know what i'm doing that's what they call that
I think it's being topped from the bottom.
Oh, my goodness me.
It's so loud in here.
I'm having so much trouble hearing anything in here.
You don't even see gender.
You don't even see it.
I sure can hear it.
Anyway.
I'm going to assume you meant Dom Perignon.
Dom Perignon.
Well, and that's the other thing.
It's BYOB because I don't drink.
So nobody assumes that there's any beer here.
She keeps him going in a pretty cabinet.
She lets me kick.
She said, just like Marie Antoinette.
I've been there.
Done that.
If you like to drink light beer from Miller, then you're going to have to drink.
You'll enjoy that because that's what you'll bring.
That's right.
And then there's always going to be one guy that's like, hey, can I have one of those light beers from Miller?
Except half the people I know are sober now because they all used up all the beers.
It's okay because the other half are drunker than they used to be.
So it evens out.
I mean, the thing is that I'm at that age where every six weeks somebody I know dies.
Yes.
And I'm like, don't die at my party.
Just don't die at my party.
Don't even die within two days of my party so that my party can get blamed.
Like, I don't want to be on the hook for any 56-year-old.
Like having some kind of hamburger-related choking incident where it's like, oh, yeah, Roderick threw one party.
Yeah, another one of John's classic hamburger choking parties.
He threw one party and he killed two rock stars.
All rock stars.
It's like, no, no, that's not what it is.
No, no, no.
Well, the other thing is I always leave parties early, so I have no idea how to get somebody.
You don't know how any party ends.
I don't.
I haven't ended a party in, I mean, I do at like public events.
My daughter's always tugging at my co-tails.
Yeah, no, no, more like, that's different.
That's more like, hey, I shut the place down last night.
I don't mean parties.
I mean, I talked to the bouncer until they made me leave.
Yeah, and now that I have a kid, she's like, stop shaking hands with everybody.
You said you were leaving 20 minutes ago.
My kid hates when I have an interaction with anybody, including him.
Yeah, because you're like, hey, there he is.
There's a counselor.
And everybody's leaving, and you're like, oh, there he is.
I don't know how much you got on this, but before we leave, can I give you, I got two tips for a party.
Okay, I want to hear about it.
And these are my tips, but they've worked for me.
I'm going to toss them out to you.
You're the tipmeister.
I'm the tipmeister.
Yeah, you've got so many tips, you've got a million tips.
All right.
Tip me on.
My number one, you've got to give people a job.
And you think people don't want a job, but people do want a job.
And that's especially important if somebody gets there.
When I say early...
I mean like on time or before on time.
Because most people show up late for stuff.
They're freaking rock stars, right?
But giving somebody a job.
So like have in mind little jobs you can give people.
Old people, middle-aged people, kids.
That's really good.
My other one, I've been doing this since my indie rock Florida days, and it's always been fun.
Buy a big thing of Avery, Hello My Name Is labels.
And when people come in, give each of them a funny name that they have to wear.
Or they could put their real name if they're weird.
Oh, you're saying nickname them, like the bopper.
I would do this.
I would walk around at our shows.
I would walk around at our shows.
We'd have them at the merch table, but I'd also walk around at our shows, engage people I didn't know, encourage them to tell me something about themselves, and then I would give them a nickname.
And I would write it in black Sharpie on the Hello My Name Is tag and ask them to wear it.
Were you in a gorilla suit at this point?
Not at that particular point, but I wouldn't be above it.
Right.
That would add.
That would certainly add to the whole experience.
You're adding structure.
You're adding spectacle.
You're adding an opportunity for creativity.
Yep, yep, yep.
Because I know it butts right at the whole name tag thing.
I know we're getting dangerously close to something like bridal shower bullshit, like baby food tasting and things like that, which is fine.
If you enjoy that and that's your kink, that's okay.
But I'm just saying having something to let people engage...
you know it can be nice this is the problem with gen x because there's going to be gen x friends coming in and i'm going to like say i'm going to call one of them like hi my name is chubbins hi my name is fatty or whatever and then a millennial is going to walk in and they're like this isn't okay you're not supposed to be able to nickname other people because it's normative and i'm going to be like hi my name is boring
So, you know, there is going to be some culture class.
Hello, my name is That's Not Funny.
Oh, That's Not Funny.
And there's going to be people from the burlesque community and they're going to scandalize other people.
There's going to be some fire juggling or whatever that happens at those parties.
Fire juggling and probably a lot of tattoos.
Yeah.
When you invite somebody that baby bangs, adult belts in public, you know, they're going to show up.
You will accept those.
You will take those, uh, what they call them, uh, suspenders as they call them.
And you'll, uh, you could just staple that to your new grill.
That's exactly it.
I'm going to be in American flag pants.
Um, there's a lot of opportunities here for sure.
I think Jason knows what he's onto with this.
This is a really good idea.
I guess you can do Costco like pre-made burgers.
It's going to be everything.
No, no, no.
Cause, cause Brian, the fireman shows up and he's like handmade burgers with blue cheese in them.
I forgot about him.
Yeah, so he makes all this stuff.
He'd fire Captain Brian.
And then there's some visual artists, too, that who knows?
I don't know.
They might have a sketch booth.
I mean, I'm assuming that other people are going to bring fun things.
So is it kind of like a carnival or a college fair?
I don't know.
I've never had a fourth.
I've never even owned a grill.
I'm sorry.
That was unkind of me.
But maybe you could just drop to people.
Listen, if you wanted it to turn into some kind of a job fair, college fair, or maybe, I don't know, maybe it could be something where you sell goods.
Yeah.
Maybe you could put your eBay stuff out on the lawn, put some type and drape around that, and now you're a store now.
Everybody goes through the eBay room, picks one thing, and it costs $20.
Interesting.
So the earlier you get to the party, the more yummy underpriced treats you're going to get.
That's right.
The more likely you're going to get a Roderick for City Council poster.
That you have to take home.
You agreed when you came to the Evite.
You agreed.
Yeah, well, and the thing is, I don't know if you remember this.
It's just a box of empty lighters.
It's not just a bunch of old dick lighters.
Everybody takes a chair.
There's actually a story about this.
Everybody takes a chair and I'll tell you the story of it as you're walking out.
That's good.
But do walk out because I don't know how to end a party.
I don't know how to end a party.
I have no idea.
What do I do?
the beds did you ever find a way to deal with your beds the beds and the mirrors you could put the beds out for people to sit on I bet your neighbors would like that yeah I mean I've got the I switched beds the other day my daughter was here and I was like I gotta take this bed and move it into that room and this bed and move it into that room and she was like why and I was like don't ask questions
Don't ask questions, Christopher.
I'm the boss of this family and you're helping me move this mattress because now she's right at the age, 14 years old, that she's the second strongest person in the family.
And everybody else is like... And there's no fear of injury, so they're willing to do dangerous things.
I'm watching everybody else in my family punch out.
They're like, why don't you have her help you?
And I'm like, she's just a kid.
And they're like, well, she's just a kid, but she seems to be able to lift a bowling ball that none of the rest of us can.
I'm like, all right, well, she's the helper now against everything that she ever thought about herself.
Is there anything in terms of preparation?
I mean, honestly, sometimes the less preparation, the better I've discovered.
But I mean, are there ways that you could, I don't know, that would make you feel particularly good and accommodating about the day coming up?
I mean, the obvious prep of make sure I've got enough ice and burgers and that kind of thing.
But like, is there anything that you're, are you working on a state of mind and attitude?
Is there, what are you thinking about for how you're going into this party?
Well, this is the thing about not having a sense of the future.
I think probably what I'm going to be doing is read.
I'm going to be hanging paintings on the walls that have been leaning up in the corner in the garage for four years.
And other people are going to say, don't you need to go get some ice?
And I'm going to say, well, before I do that, I'm going to have to hang this tapestry.
Right.
Whose party is this, bro?
Yeah, because I want the house to look like I've always imagined it would look if people came over.
Right, right, right.
So other people are going to be telling me.
You're like Benjamin Braddock's parents in The Graduate, that kind of situation.
Like where you would come, you know, and hang out and people talk to you about plastics, but you have a beverage.
Maybe, you know, Benjamin does his scuba demonstration, but that's what we're talking about, right?
We're talking about like successful middle-aged people in short pants talking about business or in your case, maybe indie rock.
Yeah, and people are commenting on your art, and they're not commenting on it because it's leaning in the corner in the garage.
They're commenting on it because you've got it on the wall.
They're commenting on it because it's in the eBay free art room.
My mom's going to be saying, your party is in two hours.
This is not what you should be doing.
This is not a great use of your time right now.
And I'm going to be like, shush, shush, shush.
You don't know anything.
When was the last time you had a party, Mom?
It literally was 1959.
And she was forced to do it by my dad, who was like, ah, we're having parties.
Have that ready.
I mean, I love your mom.
I'd never say anything like that to her.
But that would be a pretty sick burn, you've got to admit.
What?
Which one?
I'm just a burner about how she never has cool parties.
Yeah.
When did you have a party?
Never.
1959?
Yeah.
Who's having a 4th of July party when they're 56?
Did you do any parties after Buddy Holly died?
No.
Yeah, well, that's right.
Where were you when Kennedy died?
Oh, I happen to know, but it was not a reason to have a party.
But now I have a grill.
I'm Mr. Grill.
Well, that was around Thanksgiving that happened.
I mean, this could be the beginning of a second party.
I have no idea what happens next.
Maybe it could turn me into a jam session.
Oh, God, please.
No, no.
Wouldn't that be great?
You could bring out some percussion.
Don't go back to Rockville.
I'm hiding every guitar.
It's very easy.
EBA.
Don't go back to Rockville.
And you give people maracas and shit?
A toddler, maybe?
I'm hiding all instruments.
That's the last.
It's going to be a house full of musicians.
I don't want somebody playing I Gave My Love a Cherry on the stairs.
I Gave My Love a Chicken.
That's not what I want.
No, I mean, I guess maybe I do.
Would you be regulating that?
Would you have people out and looking for people who, for example, you didn't know they brought a guitar because they drove there and maybe they've got a guild 12 string they like to bring to these things?
I feel like if I try to regulate anything, I'm going to be trying to regulate everything and I can't do that.
I have to turn that part of my brain off.
Oh, that's so smart, John.
That's too bad you don't do drugs.
I think maybe the secret is I'm not going to live to 900, but maybe I should live like I'm going to live to 900.
See?
Okay.
This is what I'm saying.
And doesn't that in some ways become like a change of attitude on your part?
For sure.
100%.
And is a genie, is a friend like Jason ultimately a trap?
If I were living to be 900, I wouldn't care what, I know that this grill is not going to follow me, right?
I'm not going to move to Paris and bring the grill.
The grill is just going through my, it's like one of those things where you're in, everybody is in slow motion or fast.
Oh no, everybody's in fast motion and you're moving really slowly.
It's like one of those movies.
Oh, like a nineties video.
Yeah.
Yeah, so you're watching, like a 90s video, exactly.
So you're watching the grill come in and out of your life, and it's barely there for a second.
These neighbors across the ravine, they're only there for a second.
I don't care about them anymore, because I'm going to live to be 900.
Whoa, but if you go into it and you evince that, it's not like the secret or anything like that, but you're going to, manifesting, silly term for it, but act as if, right?
As if.
Let's act as if.
And you act as if.
Now, how far are you to 900, do you feel like?
Well, I think I'm only 50 years into 900 because I don't have any.
Now that's, hmm.
I don't have 300 years worth of memories.
Okay.
Like, I don't remember the French Revolution.
I'd love it if I did.
Anything less Dracula's do.
Yeah, but I think 300 years from now, I'm going to look back at these times and be like, oh, yeah, you know, the 20th and 21st centuries always blend together for me because it just seems like internet.
Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.