Ep. 546: "A Sugar Season"
Guten Abend, Fraulein.
Guten Abend, Herr Roderick.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello?
Hi, John.
I'm Merlin.
We gotta figure this out.
So long it's been since we did it.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
I'm Merlin.
You're Merlin?
I'm Merlin.
Hi, John.
I'm Merlin.
How's it going?
You know, I have to be honest.
Oh, dear.
I woke up this morning.
And I am in pain.
My entire body.
Psychically?
Oh, physically.
No, physically.
I'm like, I hurt all over.
And I don't know what's going on.
Well, every last little corpuscle is going.
Well, let me ask the basic guy question.
Like, did you see for me?
It's always the small muscle groups.
Have I pooped in four days?
Yes.
You check in with yourself.
Have you gotten a hug?
Did you eat?
Have you slept?
Oh, my God.
Everybody needs a hug.
Our next shirt is a full-on happiness is dot dot dot style shirt that just says everybody needs a hug.
And it's got a happiness is style two naked babies that maybe look like us hugging.
They don't have to be naked, but it helps.
Oh, they should be naked.
No, in an assertive masculine way.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Like with our shoulders touching, but nothing else.
Well, you know, sketches.
Like for me, like I did, I told you, I often hurt myself a little bit taking out the trash.
But there was one time when I hurt myself with an empty recycling bag.
And that's, or like, you know, picking up the pick off the ground.
I'm not trying to pick at you for being an old guy, but I am saying, have you done anything slightly physically unusual that you can talk about in the last few days?
Did you abuse a small muscle group?
The thing about it is that I'm used to all those kinds of pains.
You know, like all the things where it's like... You're used to a, hey, hang on.
Well, like I say, I'm not going to pick nits, but like you're used to what that used to be like.
Oh, but this, no, but this is like a sudden onset.
Like last night, I went to a party yesterday and like three of the people there are suffering from some kind of chronic fatigue or otherwise like, it's not that the ailment is unclear because it's clear that it's an ailment, but an ailment where it's like, yeah, they think this, but it might be that.
Undefined, undiagnosed, but I know something's wrong with me.
No, all the way to diagnosed, like chronic fatigue, autoimmune stuff.
But what it is exactly, what mechanism God has put into motion, no one's 100% clear.
And I don't usually have sympathetic issues.
If somebody's got a runny nose, I don't get a runny nose.
But in the middle of the night last night,
I started shivering.
I was like, what is going on?
And it got cold here.
You know, the marine layer, as you know.
Yeah.
You got to watch out for that.
And so I put another blanket on the bed.
You laid your head down last night, probably at 5 a.m.
You went to bed last night and everything seemed copacetic.
Of course, you have concerns about your friends and the various ideologies, but you weren't in pain when you went to bed.
No, although I do feel like, well, so here's my worry.
I've been eating a lot of sugar.
Like a lot of sugar.
Not on purpose exactly.
It's summertime.
It's a sugar season.
And I'm just worried I'm giving myself diabetes.
You don't want that.
No, I don't.
No, you don't.
And that's the kind you can catch.
And that's what I'm worried about.
Is it a thing where I'm laying in bed and I get the shivers and then I wake up and all my muscles hurt and bones hurt because between yesterday and today I gave myself diabetes?
You might have early onset diabetes.
And maybe that's your body trying to leach out.
I think that's a medical term.
Trying to leach out all the sugar.
It's struggling.
Trying to push it out.
Get it out.
Get it out.
It's so poison.
It's so poison.
People say that.
Oh, it's so poison.
Sugar is poison and my phone is poison.
I'm surrounded by poison.
Can I ask specifically, as much as you're comfortable saying for OPSEC reasons, what part of your body is, where's the pain?
everywhere every little thing i got that sounds like the flu i got up i walked out of i walked from the bed to the bath uh this morning and i said um um everything hurts why does everything this is one of those old man things where everything hurts but everything really does i'm like does that hurt yes does that hurt yes checking in with all the different places it's the speed of that i mean the existence of that is a fact of life like
And when I say everything, everything's in quotes and Hertz is in quotes.
And yet they're both accurate, which is like, this is a complicated goddamn system.
And you never realize how complicated the system is until like pieces start to like not work very well.
And then other parts kind of try to help you out.
And like, but like, you know, when my knees hurt and then my hip hurts and then of course my back hurts.
And those kind of, I feel like, feed into each other.
But in those cases for me, and this is where my concern comes from, those are just, I'm getting old and I don't take care of myself.
But for you, could it be a one weekend of sugar that now that's the diabetes talking?
So 35 years ago, I should have started doing yoga.
And 30 years ago, I should have done it.
And 25 years ago, I definitely should have started doing yoga.
But I really don't want to do yoga.
I really don't.
I don't know why.
I hate the terminology.
Oh, the yoga terminology?
Yeah, I was playing my New York Times game, and I figured out that all the word search, and they were all yoga-related, and I was like, come on, really?
There was another one recently, like I did in a different game, where I had a word search, and it was all terms based on caviar, and I was like, that's not fair to anybody.
You know, I'm based on caviar.
I knew Beluga, but like, but all those other ones.
So like, you're gonna, you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to acquaint yourself, you know, with this new world.
Well, so this is the thing all around me.
There are people who want 25 years ago, 20 years ago, but at least 25 years ago, you should have started having a yoga practice.
So I was watching that Steve Martin documentary.
So good.
And Steve Martin's going like... How great is that first part?
They're both good, but isn't that first part unmissable?
Really incredible.
You learn so much about the craft from that guy.
And what I was concerned about is that he's doing that thing where he's like, I'm 75 years old and I've never been happier.
When I was 30, I was miserable.
And now here I am at the, you know, and where I should be.
He keeps saying my life is upside down and all the things that should have been happening when I was young didn't and all of that.
And I'm like, well, no, not necessarily.
Nobody was happy when they were young.
That story is so much easier to tell when you're comfortable.
That's right.
And so I'm watching it and I'm like, well, I'm not sure I buy this whole like I'm 75 and now.
happy for steve martin i've always enjoyed him and i i enjoy how much he like how he is like about his persona and his privacy i've always really admired that but i did kind of make this noise a little bit like you know but he had a hard time you know he used to sleep in cars and stuff sure me too though that's true oh maybe that's maybe you need a bigger wider car to stretch i just i just wasn't the biggest comedian in history either okay see oh
It really is.
It's only fair to mention that at least a little, you know, a little.
He's like, oh, yeah, I was really sad when I was young, but now I'm happy.
And I'm like, you're sitting in a house.
I'm tired of riding a horse.
You're in a house that's literally like on the cover of Architectural Digest.
He's got it.
He's got it.
The guy's doing it.
He does.
But so but I was thinking about it in these terms.
if you think about let's say just arbitrarily you think your adult life starts when you're 20 years old okay so so i've had uh 34 years of adulthood and if you if you think oh i'm gonna live to be 88
i've got 34 more years of adulthood in some ways this really is middle age because looking at it in terms of adulthood years just even chronologically right in the center of it but yesterday with your optimism about your your lifespan about a lot 88 years old i mean my people my dad lived to be almost that my mom's almost 90.
So yesterday I was driving around Tacoma because my daughter and her mother watched 10 Things I Hate About You, the movie, and it's filmed in Tacoma.
What is that?
That's As You Like It?
It's as you like it.
Okay.
And it's got the dancing girl, right?
Isn't the dancing girl and the Joker's in that, right?
The Joker's in it and the... Does she dance, that girl?
Yeah, the girl with the face like a pie.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Julia Stiles, I want to say.
She's later on in the Bourne movies.
Yeah, she's good in that.
She's good in those.
Yeah, when she showed up in the first Jason Bourne movie or whatever one she showed up in, I was like, oh, I know that girl, but I couldn't tell you from where.
And then she was the one in the morning.
She might have been in Bring It On.
I don't think I saw that.
Wasn't she in a dance competition?
I'm sorry, continue.
Well, so anyway, so I took the two ladies.
This is before I went to the party where everybody had... For shooting locations?
Is that what you did?
Yeah, we went to Stadium High School.
We went to the house where Julia Stiles lived with her dad and her sister.
And I'm showing them around, and Tacoma has always been the town where if you wanted, you could go down and get a house that's the same as the one that you would get in Seattle except for $100,000 less.
And there's no reason not to live in Tacoma except for a 50 that I could enumerate right now.
Yeah, I understand.
But we're driving around, and I'm looking at these houses, and I'm like, oh, that would be a nice house to live.
Wow, that'd be a nice house to live.
But then I realized, oh, 10 years ago,
when I had a two-year-old, that would have been a nice house to live.
But I don't want that house now.
I'm at the end.
I'm at the end of buying farmhouses.
I don't think I'm ever gonna buy another farmhouse if I can help it.
I only bought the one, but I don't want any more of those.
I wanna go, I don't know where I, this is the problem with not having a sense of the future.
I don't know where I'm gonna live, but I bet it's not a farmhouse.
Right.
I mean, that's, you know, as we've talked about, lots of times we're talking about the future.
We are so keenly attached to, well, I'm jumping ahead a little bit here, but I feel like we're so keenly attached to our idea of the past and derive such a sense of self about the past that we do end up fighting the last war a lot of times.
And I think that takes self-awareness to go, like, maybe with my kid being the age my kid is, the benefits of owning a farm...
yeah maybe maybe previously but like not now i mean yeah the 10 years well and just to put a put a point on it 15 years ago versus 15 years from now that's quite a delta it's quite a delta i saw a picture of robert f kennedy and uh and ethel and the kids they had nine kids before they were 40 they had nine kids before they were 35 not nine that were hers yeah
And, yeah, of course, they had a... I think just what I'm saying is, I'm trying to put this in a classy way, is I think he fought a lot of amicus briefs with ladies around town.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.
But those weren't the kids that he was raising in his house.
As far as we know, yeah.
He's not taking in orphans from all of his... She's only going to take so much.
...all of his secretaries.
This is Mildred, and here's the documents that say that she has to live with us now.
Let's play some touch football.
But the idea, I mean, of course, they're rich.
They probably had a de Kooning, too, but they have a nine-bedroom house because they have nine kids.
I don't need a nine-bedroom house.
I just have the, you know, my kid is already trying to live in a tree.
You don't need a nine-bedroom house, but you could do, I personally, I could do a lot with...
Oh, sure.
You'd roller skate around.
They'd be like Stations of the Cross for my different projects.
I'd have different rooms.
Rich people get a mud room for taking off their shoes.
Rich people get a present wrapping room when their kid goes to a state school.
I'm just saying.
See, that's the presence of mind, John.
You're seeing the future through the pain right now, and I admire that.
well because because when it used to be it used to be that when you'd you'd be at a rock show and there'd be some person there who had dyed hair but they were too old to be you know they were like 40 or like 30. yeah i know what the hell are you doing here bro like this is a rock show and you're like 35 shouldn't you be in a rocking chair somewhere
And then when you're 35 and you're like, oh my God, I was such a ridiculous person when I said that because now I'm 35 and I realize like I'm such a young actor.
But you're like, what are these 40 year olds doing at this rock show?
Well, now, of course, you know, all the rock shows I go to are all just 55-year-old people who are trying to get their band back together.
I mean, is it fair to say that those kind of rock shows may not be the way a lot of younger people choose to spend their time?
Don't know, but I watched something the other day where a guy said, you know, in 1990, like 165 weeks of the year had rock bands on the top of the charts.
Yeah.
And in the last five years, there have been three, three rock bands.
Well, some of that is sound scan, but yes.
Yeah.
So anyway, now I drive around this stadium high school neighborhood in Tacoma where all these houses are.
And I see a lot of people that I feel like are much older than me.
And they're speed walking with little barbells.
They probably started taking doing yoga like maybe not 25 years ago, but they're probably their lives.
i bet they did i bet they did 25 years ago i bet they have a mandala hanging somewhere in their house but they have a little a little buddha somewhere in their garden yeah i'm watching them walk around and i'm like well i'm not these people i'm never gonna walk i'm never gonna speed walk to my yoga class from my nine bedroom house and there must be a part of your brain for better or for worse saying well it's too late for me to be these people
But I can't say that about the speed walking because I don't know what it's like to be 60.
I have zero idea about it.
And I'm looking at it and I'm like, these are just people with blue hair at a rock show.
Except they literally have blue hair because they're old.
Because they're doing a rinse.
Yeah, and the rock show that they're at is continuing to live after the age of 50.
And I just have no sense of what I'm supposed to do.
And then I wake up and everything hurts.
And I'm like, well, I think I need to do yoga.
I think that's the next thing.
But I hate it so much.
I hate the idea of it.
I mean, it's only a little better than going to the doctor.
Because like, it's a similar thing though, because like, they all say it's great.
They are all like, people are composing letters to us right now.
You guys, it's amazing.
It would be so amazing.
I hate to be all freakonomics here, but people who are doing yoga, do you think they would ever say, oh my God, I do yoga five times a week and I hate it.
They've got to say that, you know, it's like, it's like, why are they not like getting money?
They're not getting, no, but they could stop at any time.
Whereas if you go to the doctor, they're just going to tell you all the things that you do wrong and then schedule more appointments for you.
But with yoga, it's a, you see you're at the queen's service.
Like you can quit anytime you want, but no, I believe it's true.
It's just, you know, it does seem like an in for a penny in for a pound thing.
Like you don't meet that many people that are slightly into yoga.
I could stop eating donuts at any time, too.
Well, if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass a hoppin'.
See?
There it is.
You just nailed it.
I did.
With country wisdom, you just Dan Rather'd it.
Courage.
I like that you said that in the voice of Ice-T from the movie Colors.
I think I did it more as Tom Brokaw, because I'm already feeling bad about it.
Courage.
Courage.
um i think this is interesting now now just for for another view on this my wife is contemporaneous i think she was born the same year you were and she takes care of herself and she goes to a younger woman she did you did oh she did i did yeah i did i did she was she's still younger than me um
Boy, isn't that class warfare really in a nut?
Like, when you're older than somebody, you'll always be older than them.
Oh, no, you're getting older, but you'll never be as old as me.
No, but, like, I said to her, like, she goes to... She's been having back problems lately and, like, looking for, you know...
And we're both just reaching that age where it's not as uncomplicated as it used to be, where you could just, for example, say, oh, like, this part of my body hurts, and I know that it will feel less bad in a day, and I probably won't notice it.
I'll forget it ever happened.
It'll be like a headache.
I'll forget I ever had it in two or three days.
And that's just not the case anymore.
And the thing I say to her, because she, you know, she does Pilates, I think three times a week.
She runs, she does all these things.
And I'm like, I just want somebody to like, I don't want a massage.
I certainly don't want a creepy massage.
I just want somebody to stretch me.
Maybe this is my version of your teleporter.
I want somebody, I feel like I need to be stretched.
I feel like I need to be, you know, like in those, oh, you wouldn't know this, but like in Florida, there'd be these commercials for something called passive exercise, which is where you sit in the chair.
I want that.
What's passive exercise?
Why hasn't anybody told me about this?
Oh, John, this is so baller.
They're always talking about yoga, but nobody ever says passive exercise.
That's a really good point.
And this is why we get Joe Biden out of office.
No, it's like... And there is a purpose for this.
Like, if you're a very...
elderly person with mobility issues, it makes a lot of sense that like, you're not going to be doing like crunches, like setups.
Right.
So, but like, there's these like tables and or chairs that you can sit on and it kind of moves you.
It's like a Yakov Smirnoff treatment.
It's just that, you know, it is kind of funny to see ads on TV for people sitting in what looks like, I don't know, chemotherapy chairs, except the arms just move very slightly while they watch TV.
One of those kinds of things.
Oh, so it just keeps the motion as the lotion.
Absolutely.
That's what kinesiologists say.
And I kind of want that.
I feel like, but with yoga...
See, like, haven't we argued about Buddhism a decade ago?
Yeah, you had Buddhism.
Oh, I still got Buddhism.
I just don't talk about it here.
It's just that, like, you know, there are people who think of, oh, Buddhism is a religion.
And therefore, I know from the jump that if I'm not committed to an at least spiritual component of this, I'm going to just set it aside.
Yeah.
Setting aside, of course, the psychological and ethical and non-spiritual components of that, which I find very useful and invigorating.
But like, you know, yoga, isn't there a lot of buy-in with yoga?
Is it kind of like AA?
I'm not saying it's a cult, although it's kind of a cult.
But, like, if you're going to, you can't just, are you allowed to just, I guess you tell me.
You go to OAS for as long as you want, but if you just kept making this noise, like, people would eventually, after a couple years, they'd get kind of mad that you keep making that noise.
You're not even anywhere near the first step.
You're mainly there for the donuts.
But with yoga, are you allowed to come in and say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just show me the physical parts.
Like, do I have to think about my yoni and my lingam?
Do I have to, like... I have no idea.
I have no idea.
I thought it was just stretching.
Yeah.
You're saying that it's going to be stretching, but there's going to be somebody telling me about... See, you join the Church of Scientology to help your career, but then pretty soon you end up testing other people with the soup cans.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I'm not saying it's an MLM, but yoga might be an MLM.
You know, there's hot yoga, there's one where you can do it in a sauna.
Oh, I know.
Jason Finn does it every, every, I think he does it six times a day.
And he's always, the thing is he knows not to try and sell it anymore.
He's been friends with you for a long time.
He knows.
He knows not to sell it, but he does it.
And, you know, I don't know whether he thinks like that somehow the proof is in the pudding and I'm going to go, oh yeah, Jason, you know, he's not waking up in pain every day.
Maybe I should do hot yoga.
But hot yoga seems like, you know, I always used to think, oh, Jason does yoga just to meet girls.
But hot yoga is disgusting, as far as I can tell.
I can't imagine it not being stinky.
I can't imagine it not being a little bit stinky.
You're just all, and I think there's a lot of grunting.
I don't want to be anywhere where there's grunting.
I think there's farting.
I think there's farting, too.
Oh, see?
Well, you know, I know this is not a challenge podcast.
I have another program where we do nominal challenges, but is this something you think maybe we could both look into?
Do you think maybe as a way of we could be like, it's like pair programming, but for your yoni and your lingam.
Do you want to do a thing where maybe we would both try, maybe we could watch the same yoga video and see how it goes?
Not filming it.
That's going to be on Patreon only.
I deeply, deeply, deeply do not want to do it.
Okay.
And so every situation where people are like, let me.
Now, if I know you, that means you're going to do it, right?
I think we just found it.
Because I'm a bad boy.
It's not a yellow, it's not a red, but it might be an orange zone.
Right?
You got to push yourself into a zone, right?
I do.
I have to be in a zone.
It's something I don't want to do.
I also don't want to stop eating donuts.
I don't want to stop eating donuts and I don't want to stretch.
And I definitely don't want to join a stretching cult.
But something's got to give.
I can't keep waking up.
I think I'm sweating now.
Is that possible?
In your repose, recording our program, you're sweating?
Yeah, I think now I'm perspiring.
What's the air temperature there?
It's me anymore.
You can't tell.
It used to be fine.
And now I feel like I have diabetes.
I mean, I don't know what the symptoms are.
Yeah.
I mean, the problem is it could be something even more complicated.
You know what I mean?
Like you never know.
I mean, it's like that movie Annihilation.
Like it's not that one weird thing is happening.
It's like all the weird things are happening.
We're seeing evolution amongst things that shouldn't be able to evolve together.
And that's kind of you.
Yeah, well, you're right.
You're like that progressive drawing of the monkey, you know, turning into Einstein or whatever.
Except you're all of them.
You're all of them.
Now he's got little wings above his ears on his head.
What's he doing?
Oh, he might be Mercury?
Well, I'm wondering if it's me.
Or the FTD guy.
Maybe.
I think we call him FTIs now.
He has it on his helmet.
He has it on his helmet.
That's a good point.
That's good.
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like those baseball caps you could get with the puffy wings on the side.
Well, I... Yes.
And I'm not... This is not advice of any sort, but it's an observation.
And that observation is...
We love stories.
We love connections.
We, not we, all, people, everybody, right?
Like, we like to understand why things happen.
And, like, we're sort of wired a little bit to see narratives and lessons and things.
But, like, the naked screaming existential truth is that sometimes it's all just falling apart.
But I think that can be, again, back to Kierkegaard, that should be a bracing approach to whatever this situation is that you're facing.
To realize that it could be you might have mini-diabetes on this side and super-diabetes on this side, and maybe that'll just make you a better bowler or something.
Like, you don't know.
There could be benefits to this.
But if you come at it with what Zen, they call a beginner's mind –
and walk your way through it.
Are you already pot committed to diabetes?
No, well, I'm wondering, do you know what the symptoms of new modern COVID is?
Do I have what the symptoms is?
Do I have modern COVID?
Is this what COVID feels like now?
Let's see what the symptoms is.
I know there's variants, and one of them is flirting.
Okay, I have that.
Okay, well, you can't help that.
You walk in a room, and everybody's like, you know, spooly, spooly.
Hello.
Hello, counselor.
Hello, hello.
It's like I have diabetes.
they made me go out at this party i went to they made me go out and put on my king neptune outfit because i had it in the car came in and you know you see everybody swoon when i'm dressed like uh when i'm dressed like that do you feel like i mean i know this is something we try not to do anymore do you feel like it's a little bit of uh you asked for it look at the way he's dressed situation nobody keeps a neptune costume in their car unless they want to be asked to put it on oh i see well cosplay isn't consent that's true
You mean like transitively and intransitively?
Both things.
Neither thing.
Yeah, yeah.
It's Oberlin rules.
Oberlin rules is right.
Oberlin rules.
Everybody agrees.
Of all the liberal arts schools in Southern Ohio, I think that's the one that rules.
But remember, they ask consent.
Yeah, you have to sign the paper.
Before you could lick somebody's earlobe, you'd say, may I give you a little kiss?
And then you lick their earlobe.
Now, they call it the Oberlin loophole.
But are you... So if I had new COVID, it's like six iterations of COVID past the last time I even thought about it or cared.
But is it no longer about a stuffy nose?
Is it mimicking...
The symptoms of diabetes, which I also don't know.
I think you're scatting right now.
Mimicking diabetes.
I don't know.
I know enough to not know.
And what I know about that, what I don't know, is that I think there's still elements of what we used to think of as the classic COVID symptoms, like washing your groceries.
But also there was the thing of like, do you get it?
I'm definitely perspiring now.
I can tell you, I took a naproxen, but I don't think a naproxen makes you inspire.
Naproxen's brand name is Aleve.
No, but there was, I have some like, I have a bottle.
You can take six of those and it's considered a therapeutic dose.
You'll be fine.
I have a bottle that says all day relief and it has no other brand name on it.
Oh, it's probably Kirkland.
It's Kirkland.
No, I don't know what it is.
I don't even think it says Kirkland, but it says all day relief.
And then it's a naproxen and it says take only take one of these every 18 hours.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I took two.
And now you're waiting, as that band says, you're waiting for the fever to break.
Is that right?
Do you have a thermometer where you could check?
Because that could be something we do here on the program as an interactive element.
Is that an app?
Do you have a thermometer app?
Can your phone do that yet?
Just point your phone at your head?
Don't make fun of me unless you can do the joke.
But yes, I have a smart thermometer.
It's called a Kinzer.
How does that hurt?
how does it work well it looks like a regular like vix like sorry ass you know uh tongue thermometer with a readout that you buy at walgreens and you connect it up with your phone and uh and then it'll it'll it'll push your your new temperature into into your health app but it'll also do things like say hey buddy like how you feeling like you're checking your it's kind of smart yeah it says are you what do you have any of these symptoms do you have wet shits like do your eyes hurt
No, I don't.
Isn't that Scientology?
Isn't that how they get you?
That's part of it.
The Celebrity Center, you mean?
Or Santra, as you say?
Yeah, they have some little thing that's like, hey, buddy, how you doing?
Are you doing okay?
That's why you hold the soup cans.
Right.
You don't learn about Xenu for a real long time.
It's a soup can of interest.
But okay, listen, we've got to put these in separate piles.
And I'm not currently a physician.
Wait a minute, I just opened the health app, which I have never, I don't think I've opened in 15 years.
It could really use some help.
It says that I could turn on a notification if I'm walking unsteadily.
Yes, turn that on.
But I walk unsteadily.
You don't know that?
It's one of my defining characteristics.
I bounce off the fence and then I bounce off the parked car and then I bounce off the fence.
Is that to throw off the sandworms or because you're a crip?
I'm not sure.
I just can't.
When I walk through my house, it's like a pachinko game.
I just bounce off.
I bounce off things now, too.
I totally bounce off things.
My phone's going to be going whoop, whoop, whoop, because I'm knocking over lamps.
You can't put up enough handrails for me.
I mean, I really could use, I was watching a thing about why cars got boring from 1973 to 1983.
Last night, you know, one of the reasons is bumpers.
And I was thinking, I wouldn't mind having more five mile per hour bumpers in my house.
Yeah, but they ruin a Porsche.
I know.
I know.
And, like, there's some cars you couldn't even import, you know?
But, like, we'll have separate piles.
Okay, so obviously it's probably diabetes.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
But now we're going to do, and like I say, I am not currently a doctor.
It's not a thing I can really get into.
I'm not currently a doctor, okay?
I'm not a physician.
Okay.
Sure, not a, let's just, yeah, not a physician.
Ugh, doctor of what?
Not a medical doctor.
No, I mean, not now, not currently.
You've won two phony awards.
Did I?
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
G'day, mate.
It's an honor just to be billabong on the walkabout.
That's a deep cut.
That is a deep cut, but somebody out there is nodding along.
Someone in Sydney, Australia.
I can see them from here.
I can see my Phony Award from here.
It's one of the few made-up awards that I really appreciate getting.
Yeah, I still have my Phony Award.
Now the diabetes, let's move to that side for a minute.
Like, is there anything, see, now I'm going to say something here.
And like, I know this is controversial because it involves the crotch.
For me, it was always roller skating.
Like I roller skated from time to time as a kid.
And then when I got a little, oddly enough, when I got a little older, I started skating more.
Just, I used it as a means of transportation in college.
Did you ever transfer to rollerblading?
Never.
Never.
Whoa, okay.
Did I ever tell the story?
You know, there's all the stories.
But when I first moved here, I met my lady friend at Bottom of the Hill.
And we started having a relationship.
I have a number of these stories.
One of the stories was that I said to her, I said, you know, John F. Kennedy Drive, they close it on Sundays in the park.
And people were like, just rollerblade?
I was like, we should do that.
That'd be really fun.
And she looked me dead in the eyes.
I had just suggested that we...
swing with the country bear jamboree.
And she said, and she said, we are never going to do that.
And we are never, we are never going to rollerblade.
And I just took that as honestly, like the, I mean, I don't know this area.
I don't know the mores.
Of this area.
She knows things.
I saw a documentary on the Summer of Love and, you know, and I worked for a dot com.
I don't know shit from shit.
But no, I'm a roller guy.
But here's the thing.
You see this with bowling.
You see this with roller skating.
You see this with some kinds of like gardening where like, again, I return to the small muscles.
Like there's this muscle that attaches your taint to your top thighs.
Like if you squeezed right now, if you did like a chair kegel right now, you know, there's those little strings that like you can feel it like behind your bally area and your taint proper.
It's like where your legs attach to your crotch.
And if you roller skate,
In my experience, and maybe I just skate wrong, but when I roller skate and I haven't skated for a while, I really feel that area.
Oh, I know that feeling.
I know that feeling.
Because that's a small muscle.
How did I get that?
It was never intended to do that kind of work.
It's not what it's for.
And like, you know, you got your muscles, you got your ligaments, you got all these things.
And like, you see this when you go to the gym and you're like, oh, the abductor or the adductor, one of those terrible machines.
That machine where you do the scissor things, Jason probably does it in a sauna, but where you have to smoosh your legs together from a scissor.
I do that sometimes, yeah.
That's, okay, that right there, that muscle.
That muscle.
Or when you're bowling.
The inside thigh, when you're like, if you're Pris.
The inside thigh.
And you're trying to kill Harrison Ford, and you jump up and you kill him with your inside thighs.
Do you know how many times he made her do that flip?
They finally had to bring in a double.
Had to bring in a double.
Yeah, they did.
Really?
Yeah, there's a really good, there's a three and a half hour documentary of Blade Runner called Dangerous Days that literally everybody should watch.
He's a very frustrating director as far as Harrison Ford.
The way I said, he seems like a little bit of a handful.
Here's another one.
Batting cages.
I haven't gone to the batting cages in a while.
And no, I don't go over 60, 65.
I'm not there to impress a girl.
But I'm on a softball speed.
But if you go to the batting cages with your buddies and hit balls for half an hour...
I'm going to feel that on the right sort of upper rib cage, like, you know, below my armpit.
Because again, tiny area, having to make a very sudden, fast, hard movement.
Short, sharp shock is what Churchill calls it.
And that's happening with roller skating.
I'm sorry, am I taking this off topic?
Because all I want to do is I want to interrogate before we settle on diabetes and we decide a course of action for that for you.
I just wanted to do a differential diagnosis.
There's nothing you did where you lifted something a lot in a weird way or anything like that.
I mean, I'm picturing you in a batting cage on roller skates, and that is wonderful.
And I really want to do whatever I can to see that before I die.
Do I wear a hat?
I can wear one of those baseball hats with the wings, the puffy wings on it.
You're wearing a helmet because you're in a batting cage.
So the skateboarding girls over in Paris, that's the best event so far, the skateboarding girls.
I haven't seen it.
The oldest one that I've seen is 19.
They're all like 14, 16.
They're all amazing, amazing.
It's a sport for young people.
Oh my God, it's so good though.
But yesterday, here's what I did.
I went to Stadium High School and I walked around.
And I said, over here, you see the stadium that they named Stadium High School after.
It's a very impressive stadium.
And everybody rolled their eyes at me.
And then we went down.
And you know what?
Oh, I had no idea this was true.
But we went down on the waterfront of Tacoma down by Ruston.
And they named a park after Jack Tanner.
i never wait uncle jack yeah well yeah i had never i had no idea whatever there was some kind of like your dutch uncle was he the one who was like the the more successful version of your father that's that's what he would say
Infuriating my dad to the end of the earth.
Really?
In your family, he got frustrated because somebody else did better.
He's got a whole park.
The whole waterfront is the Jack Tanner Park.
So I saw that, but that didn't strain any muscles in my taint.
And then I took a ferry boat and I went to a party where everybody had an immune disorder.
Right.
And you and you so at some point and this is this is exactly what's going to happen.
An epidemiologist.
This is what happened to me when I was in the hospital.
I was contacted by an epidemiologist like whilst I was in the hospital.
I think I told you about this.
It's very frustrating.
They're going to contact you and say, well, OK, look, there's all these things where you think, again, you're an American.
You like stories.
You've got a story about how Sunday went.
Now that person's gonna sit down with you and say, well, let's go through this step by step.
Like you said, for example, a minute ago, like I'm no epidemiologist, I'm not even currently a physician, but you did say a minute ago, blah, blah, blah, you did this thing and you didn't hurt yourself doing that.
And I was tempted to say, how do you know?
Right.
But you're saying that I might be patient zero or I might have encountered patient zero.
I don't find you patient at all.
But the thing is, just because you have a cup of flour doesn't mean you've made a cake.
And you have to look at it in medicine.
When I was a physician, I can't really get into it.
We would call this the totality of the state of the case.
We would look through all of the totality and then look at that together before we did a diagnosis.
I want you to get better, but I don't know.
What?
Is that what you got when you got your doctorate in medicine from New College?
My doctorate in medicine.
Yeah, no, just to be clear, it's not a medical degree, but it is a doctorate in medicine.
It's a lot like, honestly, it's a lot like getting a library sciences or education PhD.
No, you can mostly do it in a weekend.
What about a communications degree?
If I got one of those, do you think I would stop hurting?
Again, I say doctor of what?
If you meet somebody with a communications degree, you should be able to test them on the spot.
Test them on marketing, right?
Because they all work in marketing.
Yeah, or comms, public relations, all those kinds of things.
I said something last week about SEO, and I think that our listeners SEO'd me.
They did some keyword stuffing?
Yeah, they did some stuff, and then whatever my problem was went away, as far as I can tell.
They did some SEO for you?
I feel like it.
Nobody claimed credit for it.
Is that the right term, John?
Are you really talking about the SEC or something else?
You're talking about getting found on the web?
You search engine optimization to me.
Oh, okay.
Huh.
Yeah.
That was nice.
There was a picture.
If you Googled the Long Winters, you came up with a picture.
The first band was a band.
It was like a 17 piece.
It was a band that Laura Ingalls Wilder was in.
Yeah, that's right.
Her band.
A Long Winter.
That was her solo act.
No, it was Antibalas, a Brooklyn, like South American band with 17 horns in it, came up as the first picture when you Googled the Long Winters.
Oh, so they probably SEO'd that.
Maybe.
And that's what pushed you down.
It's like a racquetball ladder.
Now you just got pushed down.
How are they?
Long Winters?
Even...
And then I figured out that what it was was they were on one of those Jesse Thorne cruises where I was the music director of the cruise.
They were wheezing your juice.
A link got linked to another link and pretty soon it's a link farm.
And all of a sudden they're
They are up at the top of the list.
I think you should be able to, I mean, I don't, obviously, you know me, I don't like to get involved in this stuff, but you should be able to file some kind of a government form that fixes that.
Well, but then you have to talk to the people and you have to get to a second form.
It's almost as bad as going to the doctor.
You have to take a picture of your driver's license and post it, and then somebody else is like, that's a 16-day wait until they can look at your picture.
Yeah, actually, AR doesn't mean assault rifle.
Yeah, I get it, but is this sort of like... I think I said something about it, and one of our...
One of our listeners fixed your SEO transitively.
So, you know, one time when I was dating Millennium Girlfriend, I was in San Francisco and I did one of those tweets.
Do you remember when you were up here with Jonathan Colton and so forth and we did a tweet up at Andrew Friedman's bar and all you guys were like, I don't want to do a tweet up.
This is terrible.
And then I was like, we're doing it.
And then a bunch of people showed up.
I think I drank a lot that night.
And I have a photo of somebody sitting in your lap.
Is that that?
Yeah, there you go.
I think I have photos from that.
Yeah.
So I do tweet ups, you know, sometimes when I go places.
Yeah, you should just say, hey, look, I'm in Brooklyn for the night.
Like, everybody come to this place.
Yeah, I'm at this bar.
Could be a park bench.
I did that at a park bench once in Brighton, England.
You just said, I'm on this park bench and somebody came in.
Almost two people came.
Did either one of them have Tony Hawk's skateboard?
Or was it just like they were just regular?
They said, I just want to read my book, sir.
Sir, this is an Arby's.
But I routinely will do these little things.
I'm always astonished.
Always astonished.
You meet the most interesting, smart people.
You do.
This wide variety.
There's usually between six and 12 people, and they're always interesting.
I did a show the other night, and these two people came to the show, and they said, we are the parents of...
of Dr. 21, who was the young gal who was a doctor.
She was studying for her doctorate.
She wouldn't say what in.
And I said at some point, you know, I described her, I think maybe to you as Dr. 21, because she was only 21.
And her parents said, they came to the show here from Charleston.
And they said, we all, the whole family calls her Dr. 21 now.
Anytime she gets over her skis a little bit,
Oh, no kidding.
So it's a little bit of get back in your lane combined with a little bit of Eric's water fountain.
Yeah, it's like, okay, Dr. 21, why don't you... That's so good.
The grown-ups are talking about something, and she's the only one, I think, that has a doctorate or whatever.
But I do feel like in the number of times that I've done tweet-ups, the number of people who show up who seem, by a twinkle in their eye, to have some power to SEO things...
Or I'm like, what do you do?
And they go, computers.
I totally.
What do you do?
Computers.
It's like when Ricky Jay.
So Ricky Jay is a magician that I liked a lot.
He did this show with David Mamet on the West End in London.
He came up in conversation yesterday, by the way.
Oh, my God.
Watch everything.
Watch everything with Ricky Jay.
You can watch it on YouTube.
Ricky Jay and his 52 assistants.
It's mind-boggling.
But, like, I've heard in interviews with Mamet, he'll say, this might have been in the documentary about Ricky Jay, but he says, you know, he's like, well, you see that guy over there in the audience?
You see that guy in the audience?
Like, yeah.
He's like, that guy's one of the, like...
leading like kind of gray hat, slightly edgy.
Yeah.
Is he, is he legit?
Is he not legit?
Like that guy's a really good magician, but he's also a pickpocket, but he's also like a little bit like, you don't want to mess with that guy.
And Mamet would say like, where are you going to go say hi to him?
He's like, absolutely not.
Like we would never, we would never like greet each other like that.
It's just not part of like the thieves can't or whatever, you know, or whatever the code is.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, right.
Well, and nobody wants to tell you what their powers are.
That's true.
That's true.
And you wouldn't want it to come off as bragging, but it could be something where suddenly some stuff is getting squared away.
It could be lots of things that just get a little bit better.
Maybe there's a stop sign you don't like in your neighborhood and suddenly it's not there anymore.
What?
Well, no, I'm just saying, like, for example, people are in your way sometimes when you drive.
And, like, you have an idea of how long it takes to get somewhere.
I'm just saying it could be SEO.
There could be lots of things where, like, there's, Adam Smith calls it, I think, the unseen hand.
There's somebody out there taking care of stuff for you and just, like, just, like, giving you a little bit of a, they're not saying formally I had a traffic light removed.
They're not formally saying I've destroyed the SEO of this.
What was it?
What was it?
Who is it?
It's a, what was it?
What was the band?
Ontobolus.
Ontobolus.
And I have nothing personally against Ontobolus.
No, they're wonderful.
But you've got to push them down, and maybe they could go, and they know the guy who knows the gal who knows the guy who controls the levers.
That's the thing.
If you Google Ontobolus, I want their picture to come up first.
For that, I just don't want their picture to come up first if you Google the long features.
Did you see them on the cruise?
Were they good?
Oh, they're amazing.
Not only did I see them, but, you know, I was the music director.
And what that meant was that Jesse called me the music director, and then he booked all the bands, and he would text me and say, like, what do you think about Antibales?
And I'm like, sounds great.
But, like, if people had, like...
you know on the first afternoon for example like had a petition about which songs weren't allowed to be played at parties anymore that's the kind of thing you'd adjudicate no that's the thing because jesse used to jesse did this three times he well no four times he had me be the music director on both of his atlantic ocean cruises neither which was a money maker
And then he had me actually be the host of Max FunCon two times.
The front man.
The guy that was like, welcome to the thing.
He liked you well enough for a while, didn't he?
He sure did.
He sure did.
He thought I was, he was grooming me to be his 15 years older than him replacement for his properties.
We all groomed.
It's like Kubler-Ross says, we all groom in different ways.
The thing is, at no point did I ever see a dollar.
Well, you know, it all goes to the artist.
Cosplay isn't consent.
That's so funny.
Is that a bit?
Or did you just make that up?
No, no, it's a thing.
Oh, shit.
And there are big signs at the Comic-Con.
Oh, as in, like, just because you like Captain Marvel and think I'm pretty doesn't mean that you can come up and, like, manual me or something.
Right.
Well, yeah, because cosplayers often are wearing bikinis.
I understand.
Yeah.
Princess Leia's bikini just sold at auction.
Oh, the real one?
I hope they cleaned it.
Wow.
She's doing a lot of cocaine.
That would have taken a lot of the money away from the potential German and Japanese buyers.
I'm not going to do the voiceover.
One question.
Now, I know you don't like to break the fourth wall.
1983, how does one say, bits of Leia in it.
You like that record?
I know you don't like to break the fourth wall, but I feel like all of this is important information because I'm trying to figure out why every corpuscle hurts.
Dan Benjamin.
Is part of it wondering do you have what they have?
No, I'm not worried about that, but I don't want... It would be nice to know if it's something you need to work on, right?
Because I don't know, I don't have any sense of the future, is every day for the next 35 years that I wake up and every corpuscle hurts?
I don't even know what a corpuscle is.
And if so, is it diabetes?
So Dan Benjamin just texted me.
That's cool.
Merlin, Merlin, Dan has not texted me in like a year.
Oh, that's nice.
But he texted me a photograph of a photograph from the 1890s of a bunch of miners standing in the entrance to a mine.
And at the bottom of the picture, it says Seattle.
It says D. Edden the boss.
It's a black and white photo of like Dirty Miner boys.
Dirty Miners.
And it's, oh, it says Ed the boss, Seattle.
This is the first text I've received from him in a year.
Um, is this is this relevant is this does this have some meaning?
I'm sitting here trying to decide whether I'm really perspiring now I see what you're doing.
You're asking me for like a reality check.
Yeah, what's happening now?
I mean, there's two things we know we must imagine that Sisyphus is happy and like we also must imagine that that made sense So like it's up to you.
It's on you now.
So are you gonna respond with a photo?
Do you think I?
This is the thing.
We're assuming it makes sense.
We're assuming, I'm assuming all of this makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We have to.
Our mind wants it.
One's mind wants it to make one sense.
There are all these people that assume that everything doesn't make sense.
A lot of them just aren't trying.
like there's a guy i went to high school whose name is john tool and it's with the e at the end and john tool is a um he is was in the running to be men's fitness's mr mr middle-aged fitness because he's like fitness that's that's the periodical with men with abs on the cover and he's very he's very fit and um he's going to be some kind of like middle-aged man of the year john tool
Yeah, John Toole.
And he went to high school with me, and he is a political conservative.
Okay.
And he just posted on Facebook, and I know this only because- You're just reading things from your phone now.
Am I that uninteresting to you that you're just reading the most recent things that have appeared on your phone?
I could do that.
Let's see what's updated today.
Let me look.
Oh, look at that.
We got, oh man, iOS 18.1 beta.
That'll have a little bit of Apple intelligence.
And let me just check in on my apps.
I'm sorry.
This will be real quick.
Let's see.
Venmo updated.
It says here, Venmo says in an app of great prowess.
My end phone, Venmo never updates.
DoorDash.
It says here, DoorDash says minor updates and performance improvements.
See, no, there's no updates happening in my phone, but no, he just posted.
I'm trying to make sense of it.
You know, it's supposed to make sense.
Is this referring to Dan's mind?
No, this is now we're on to John Toole.
He just posted a bunch of very interesting questions about the person that shot Donald Trump's ear.
Oh, I see.
Who was sending him money overseas?
Who bought him a drone?
Is he just asking the question?
He's just asking the question.
These things aren't cheap.
How to get a rangefinder scope.
You know, most 20 year olds can't afford gas, let alone an assassin's kit.
Right, right, right.
And I'm like, well, now who's in a simulation?
Yeah, but isn't it possible that his dad just owned that?
Yeah, seems like it seems like I mean, people like guns.
I thought about buying a rangefinder.
Yeah.
Well, not for range find.
So I know how far away things are.
But the problem is, like in looking at range finders, which are I just want to be super clear here.
And I do want to get back to your diabetes.
This is not something I need.
And it's not even really something I want that much.
But sometimes you've looked out our window.
on more than one occasion.
And I'll go, there's Fort Funston.
That's really cool.
It'd be neat if I could see a dog at Fort Funston.
That's where the dogs run around.
Or I could say, oh, there's that building and there's that thing.
And like I think to myself sometimes, it'd be neat to have a way to know how far away something is.
But now here's the problem.
And this explains a lot about what's wrong with America, my America.
Yeah, go, go, go.
Well, if I could be honest.
Okay, but like if you go and you start looking into range finders, you fairly quickly have to pick a lane.
And those lanes are, are you a person who likes golf or are you a person who likes rifles?
Right.
You're either a sniper or a golfer.
Right.
Right.
And I just want to know how far away the dogs are.
Is there no naturalist version?
Bird watchers and stuff like that?
At long last, sir, is there no naturalist?
Can't I just be like a guy in a Walt Whitman beard, like walking around staring out his window with a little, like, you know, I'm like, I'm like, geez, I'm forgetting all the names already.
I'm like Jack Aubrey.
You know?
Yes.
Looking out across the water, you know?
We're not so different, you and I. I see another guy with a range finder, but he's playing golf on Fort Hudson.
What they're doing is they're not coming out and saying, really, 80% of our market is for creeps.
Creeps are buying these.
Because they wouldn't know how far away a lady is.
Yeah, but we have to say it's either golfers or snipers.
Can we establish what a range finder is?
Because I think it might be worth, if I understand correctly, you've got something you've got, like, and I know this is big with rifles in particular, and I did watch, oh my gosh, I've been watching shooting.
Air rifle shooting, too, I've been watching that.
So, like, I know you get a scope, and a scope, you think of, like, when I was a kid and you shot a gun, you'd have a sight, right?
You got, like, a little notch, and you got a little sticky-uppy thing, and you got to put it in the right place, and then if memory serves, at least with the crappy guns I used to shoot, you would say, like, you put your target right on top
of the sticky-uppy thing between the two sight things.
But if you've got a scope, that way you can get that big target on it, like in a Clint Eastwood movie, and you can fire from far away.
Now, my understanding is a range finder is just that.
It helps you discover how far away something is.
Now, that figures into things like artillery.
That figures into things like, God forbid, snipers.
It figures into that because you need to think about...
The weather and things like that and how far your projectile is going to go.
But have we established that?
That golfers need to know how far away the hole is.
And gun boys want to know how far away their nominal target is.
I feel like in order to properly range find, you need more than one point.
You need to have at least two points...
that zero in on the target point.
Because just looking at it through a telescope, you can't.
I mean, a quick way to, like, obviously, the best example would be triangulation, which is like, if we have three data points, you can, like, roughly figure out where something is.
If you have two data points, well, now you're closer to what we have, most of us, which is binocular vision.
But monocular vision, you can't really see how far away something is because there's no delta.
There's no Delta.
Is that right?
I'm not trying to be funny.
Like, that's true, right?
Like, I don't understand how a range finder works.
Is it by level of fuzziness?
Like, how does it...
But you sometimes need to know.
You need to know how far away that woman is.
Because it might be a restraining order and you've got a certain number of feet.
Every once in a while, there was something going on the other day, a video going around that they made for the Coachella Music Festival where there appeared in the video to be someone sitting up on a hill with the most gigantic telescope you'd ever seen.
And they were just panning around the festival.
A jokey fat, a jokey like fat telescope.
Well, something, you never saw the telescope, but what you did see was like somebody, some little tiny people walking along the festival ground, and then all of a sudden it zoomed all the way in on them.
Okay.
And, you know, you watch them dance for a little bit, and then it zooms out, and you, you know, this telescope is looking across a five-mile area or something.
Maybe not five.
It feels invasive.
Let's call it a one-mile area.
Yeah, sure.
But still...
a very powerful telescope, and you always want one of those.
It's just like those flashlights that appear to illuminate an entire city street.
But it feels like a scam.
It feels like those aren't really available.
Well, those flashlights are almost always a scam.
Yeah, it seems like they're a scam, and it seems like rangefinder telescopes that let you... You're not going to get a 1 million lumens flashlight for $39.
That's a lot of lumens.
But John Toole is just asking the question...
Why did this 20 year old kid have the like top shelf, apparently sniper gear, but not so top shelf that it allowed him to actually complete his mission?
Right.
You know, medium shelf.
It does seem pretty plausible to me just as a bystander that he had, he had enough.
He had the Peter principal kit.
Just enough to not be good at his job.
Just enough to not be good at his job, which is kind of what we all have, except for Steve Martin.
Steve Martin has never been happier.
I feel like a lot of that has to be that at 75, he doesn't remember.
He doesn't remember how unhappy he was.
I would hope that factors into it.
I mean, you know, Hakuna Matata, I hope we all have that gift.
You know, just remembering the good parts.
That could almost be an Irish toast.
May you only remember the things where you...
I don't know, man.
Just remember the good times.
So what do you... I have to go to the bathroom.
So what is your plan?
There's only so much I can do because I'm not currently a physician.
I know.
What is your plan in the short term for what's happening with your body?
Well, here's what it really boils down to.
I took those naproxens.
18 hours.
But I have band practice today because I'm playing a show on Saturday.
You're not going to be high.
Well, no, but I'm just wondering, like, am I taking the naproxens?
It's masking the symptoms of diabetes, and I'm going to go into the practice, and I'm going to have some kind of heart attack.
Oh, my God.
Or maybe I'm going to give them all autoimmune drugs.
Interesting, the naproxen or the Kirkland pills that you've been smashing down, the thing is, will that mask this?
I'm changing my diagnosis, even though I'm not currently a physician.
I'm changing this from early onset diabetes to fast onset diabetes.
I think you've got Friday diabetes or Friday you're in love.
I'm not sure.
The point is today, this could be the day it kicks in, but you have, as we say in my business, you've masked the symptoms.
So you're up there, you know, cinnamon, cinnamon, and then you have a heart attack because of diabetes.
Yeah.
Yeah, am I just kicking the can down the road?
Like, why am I perspiring right now?
It's the middle of the summer, but it's not a hot thing.
Do you think you want to get a smart thermometer?
What is it?
Oh, you mean I'm connected to my phone?
Yeah, I mean, like, shouldn't you find out what your temperature is?
I don't know.
My computer's from 2014.
I don't think it's... Oh, I bought a new one.
I got it on Amazon day, and I thought it was going to get there the next day.
And then they were like, oh, no, it's not coming till August.
Wait, you bought a new computer?
I was on the... Sorry, you've ordered a new computer.
Yeah, I was in the bathtub and I opened my phone and it said, today's Amazon day.
And I was like, it's 1130 or 1145.
And they were like, well, you know, you've got 15 more minutes to Amazon day.
And so I went on Wirecutter and I was like, so what do I do on Amazon day?
And they were like, oh, you know what you want?
You want a new Macintosh.
And I said, you know, everybody tells me that.
because mine is from mid-2014, and Wirecutter was like, time's a-wasting because it's $11.52 right now.
Are you going to do this or what?
You don't want to be left out.
It was like $800.
For a computer.
Nice.
That's great.
For a MacBook Air.
Oh, it's terrific.
And I said, well, that seems terrific.
And they were like, look, look, man, there's like three minutes left to do this.
Are you going to do it or not?
That's a lot of pressure.
I was like, they really don't want you.
It's specifically because they don't want you to miss out.
It sounds like, well, that's it.
And the thing is, I was like, why didn't anybody tell me about Amazon day yesterday?
Or, or I don't mean, I'm sure they did, but I deleted it.
But, but now here I am.
Boy, boy, it's still Amazon day morning.
Yeah.
Go and buy the fattest MacBook Air in the window.
Take your fucking time shipping it to me.
I have diabetes.
I was like, well, shit, I'll get it.
And while I'm here, I might as well get this box of crackers that's been in my shopping cart for a year.
Paddle ball game, your favorite chair.
You know, and the box of crackers showed up six hours later.
Isn't that the way?
You always get the phone case before the phone, am I right?
I said, where's my damn computer?
And they were like, oh, sometime between August 3rd and August 25th.
Oh, they love you.
They love you when it's deals day.
But like a day later, they don't want to know you.
You should tell them that you might have fast onset diabetes.
So time is of the essence.
This is what I'm wondering.
I have band practice tonight.
Is it going to show up and I'm already going to be died?
What a joke is that going to be?
You might need it to prop up your left leg.
That's not funny.
That's not funny.