Ep. 311: “Friend Mode”
Hello.
Hi, John.
Hi, Merlin.
How's it going?
Good.
How are you?
I'm really good.
That's good.
Oh.
Huh.
Trying to take a temperature on the room right now.
Uh-huh.
You sound, um, subdued.
A little subdued?
A little subdued.
uh-huh yeah i'm i'm the same amount of dude yeah big dude wearing a hat yeah yes i well i had a hat on until moments ago you can't wear you shouldn't wear a hat with your cans no no no don't wear a hat with the cans you think sinatra would do that today you think sinatra would still wear a hat when he records well sinatra had the hat on and then didn't he he held a can up to one ear that was the style oh god he didn't want to take your hat off he had your cigarette in one hand your
One can in the other.
My mom said the other day, these are the kind of little glimpses into the past that I love.
You know I love those glimpses of the past.
They're the best.
But she said, you know, in their time, like now you look at the Rat Pack and you think, oh, they're swabs, 60s icons.
But she said at the time, they were such sleazeballs.
They were like...
They were borderline gangsters.
They were reviled by any good upstanding citizen.
They were considered just like...
sleazebags making sleazy music for sleazy people.
My goodness.
And I was like, really?
And she said, oh, Sinatra, Dean Martin?
She said, Dean Martin, Dean Martin left his wife and six kids in the lurch, never looked back when he got an opportunity, and all those guys.
She said the only one with any class was Sammy Davis Jr.
The rest of them were just like, you know, gangster-adjacent,
Like, basically, you know, I mean, if they could wear, if they could have worn gold, if they could have worn gold grills, they would have.
Take a pause, take a pause, take a pause.
Are you far away from your Wi-Fi?
Or is anything different?
You sound really crunchy.
Oh, crunchy.
Yeah.
Are you downloading torrents or anything?
Well, unfortunately, I...
Google talked me into putting my computer on the wall.
Okay.
Can you blink your eyes?
Are you under duress right now?
It sounds a little bit like when the guys in Korea gave the finger to the photo.
It sounds like you might be.
Blink twice.
Steve Ballmer is sitting here in my office, and I really love, I put my number into Skype so Microsoft knows that I can verify my account.
Mm-hmm.
Right now, I know Google is telling me that I have synced 30,722 of 49,504 things that it's trying to sync.
Oh, okay.
I think I know the problem.
I've used 73 gigabytes of 100 gigabytes used, and then it conveniently offers me the option of upgrading.
John, are you sticking to the cloud?
I'm syncing to the cloud, and I'm not sure why, but someone offered me a Google.
Yeah.
A Google popped up.
Okay, okay.
And said, beep, boop, beep.
Okay, I'm leaving all this in.
This is good, and this is important.
Google Photos can be a very good thing.
I like the Google Photos, and you need to run their dumb sync dingus in order to do that, and it takes a good long while.
But here's the sync dingus problem.
Yeah.
Is it something you could maybe turn off until we're done?
Well, I don't know.
How do I do it?
I am looking at the thing.
How do I do it?
It says here seconds.
Okay, is it up in your menu bar?
Oh, wait.
Pause.
Yeah, you can go ahead and quit and turn it back on.
Will pause work?
Pause can work.
See, now I'm a podcast veteran, so I turn off all of the bandwidth sucking things.
So you say quit back up?
You say quit backup and sync is what you would click on?
I would, yeah.
Yeah.
And sometimes you get a notification right over that little three dot dingus.
It's really annoying.
Here we go.
Try it.
Ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Bandwidth.
Good morning.
how's that?
Now you live in the cloud.
Uh, I think it sounds fine.
It's good.
Yeah.
Better.
Not, not as good.
Oh no.
It sounds fine.
It sounds fine.
You know, it's, it's hard cause you're not, it's a lot to ask.
You're not plugged into ethernet.
Are you?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's already a classic.
I can feel it already.
I'm plugged straight in.
I'm hotline and I'm main hot.
Oh, you're hotboxing with the Google?
I'm hotboxing the Googs.
It's all happening.
So I had my old computer.
You sound better.
Thank you.
Oh, that's so good.
I'm glad.
The one now, was it Mike Squires traded you for like a stomp box or something?
No, the older one, the one from before that that I bought used in like 2005 from Anna Banana.
Anna Banana was buying a new computer and so she sold me her old computer.
Anna Banana.
And that was the one that I used for all of the podcasting because I got it in 2006.
It was probably a 2002, maybe 2003.
And a banana had a reason to get rid of it.
Well, and a banana was upgrading.
Okay.
um and so i got it and i used it for all of the great shows uh-huh uh-huh uh and then it was the one that i took down to my new office when i got that office back in 2000 whenever that's the one where you could hear the seabirds it's the seabird computer and then this was the computer that i did you know all my campaign on and all that stuff and etc etc and it had all the things on it yes
And then it started – then I refused to upgrade the operating system for obvious reasons.
And so then as time slowed down – I'll tell you when it's time to upgrade.
There were a couple of times when I said that on air and you were like, don't say that because you're exposing your voice.
You're going to get an email.
People are going to get – and Matt Howey sent me something.
Oh, dear.
Don't do that.
Because of the vulnerabilities.
They'll hack you because they know your vulnerabilities.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
But anyway, so I didn't upgrade the operating system for so long that then all of a sudden the other –
things, the Goog and the other things, started to say, well, we're no longer going to be able to service you.
You could no longer be serviced.
Couldn't be serviced.
So, like, Flash...
there was no longer a way to upgrade flash because it couldn't the new flash couldn't handle the old flash you couldn't play like fruit collection games or no audio from 1999 or anything no when i went on websites their pop-up advertisements wouldn't play because i don't know yeah i know it was really depressing you denied the full experience i really was so i didn't mind not having flash but then other things like what what were the things oh dropbox
wouldn't drop.
It wouldn't drop.
It hotboxed me.
That's what they do.
They hotbox you into a corner.
Yeah, there were all these things that wouldn't work anymore.
Pretty soon, I just couldn't interact with anything.
And then I had gone across the threshold where upgrading, like it certainly couldn't take the new operating system.
Oh, because of the age of the hardware from Anna Banana.
Yeah, the age of the hardware.
Mm-hmm.
That was when Jason Finn traded me this computer for a bag, for like a messenger bag.
Yeah, you got Jack and the Beanstalked a little bit, didn't you?
From which side?
Well, I mean, you know, at first, in the first act of the story, I don't want to take a eye for story.
I want to hear more about Anna Banana, whoever that is.
But there's like a traveling salesman who trades, if memory serves, he trades Jack a perfectly good, he takes Jack's perfectly good cow and gives him, if memory serves, a bag of beans.
Beans, yes.
So, except in this case, he got a really nice bag of beans and you got stuck with a morbid cow.
Oh, no.
Well, what the reason that that deal was bad was that he said, buy me a steak dinner for the computer.
Right.
And I was like, no problem.
So we went to a nice restaurant and then I sprung the bag on him.
Oh, which I should have just said bag for computer because he would have given me three computers for that bag.
No, see, the thing about the bag is it has no street value.
Okay.
Except in a very, very small group of people.
So KEXP, 90.3 KEXP, the famous Seattle radio station.
Very good station.
That invented indie rock.
Mm-hmm.
And I know those KCRW people might argue.
Yeah.
But KCRW can kiss my ass.
Yeah.
There, I said it.
Morning becomes erectic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not even a word.
It's not even a word.
It's not even a joke.
It's what my daughter used to say.
I tell her jokes.
She said, that's not funny.
It's not even a joke.
Shut up.
I'm not paying for your college.
Piece of shit.
Marlo has started to sit at the table and, you know.
They get sassy, John.
They get so sassy.
There's a lull in conversation.
She goes, I want to hear a peanuts joke.
I'm like, yeah.
And so then she, like, she kid explains a peanut.
Oh, strip, sure.
Charlie Brown's walking down the street, right?
She interprets it.
Yeah, and then she's like, do you know who Schroeder is?
And I'm like, I do.
I have more Schroeders than you have on dinners.
But she only has the really old Charlie Brown, so she's like, do you know who Violet is?
I'm like, yeah, I know who Violet is.
Violet has like a ponytail, right?
Yeah, she's a dark-haired girl.
Violet says, hey, Charlie Brown, do you want to come over to my house to play?
Mm-hmm.
Charlie Brown says, no, I don't, because every time I come over, you get mad, and then you send me home.
And she said, well, why don't we play at your house?
That way, when I get mad, you'll already be home.
That's pretty good.
And then, you know, and then she just, like, she gives me the mic drop face.
And I'm like.
Deal with that.
Deal with this.
Kapow.
And then, you know, she's like, you want to hear a Garfield joke?
Oh, boy.
I'm like, tell me a Garfield joke.
It's like, okay, do you know who Lyman is?
I'm like, yeah, I know who Lyman is.
All right, Lyman and John are standing.
This is not Nermal?
Lyman owns Nermal.
Oh, okay.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Lyman owns Odie.
Nermal is visiting Garfield.
Okay.
Right?
Lyman has a mustache.
Odie is John's dog?
No.
Odie is Lyman's dog.
It's Lyman.
Lyman has a mustache.
Lyman is John's friend or brother.
Garfield Lyman.
Okay.
Yeah.
Lyman.
L-Y-M-O-N.
Okay.
Or M-A-N, maybe.
All right.
Anyway, the bag.
Was, you know, KEXP is one of these.
It's like it's like maximum fun.
Like a public radio thing.
You get swag when you contribute.
Right.
And so they gave away these messenger bags and they were not good.
messenger bag yeah that's that's that's a problem there's too many substandard bags being proffered in exchange for charity and it's no good this is one of those yes and i think what it was made to do honestly is um it's about this it's maybe exactly the size of a 12 inch record and you could put 10 lps in it and so it's like maybe it's designed as a dj bag okay
So you just throw your 10 hottest copies of Purple Rain or whatever in there.
Maybe you could put 15 LPs.
Maybe not.
So that's all it's good for.
It doesn't have a pocket for your keys.
Because you need to walk around with your LPs.
Yeah, that's right.
Take all the labels off so people don't know what you're sampling from.
Okay.
They gave these away at like the top donor level, these bags.
And they were bright orange and they said KEXP on them.
So at the time, like I did a couple of pledge drives where I sat and like called people on the – or answered the phone.
People would call like, I'd like to donate some money.
And I'm like, hey, how's it going?
And they're like, is this John Roderick?
And I'm like, sure.
Are you the guy from Not A Serve?
Thanks.
Sure is.
How can I take your credit card information?
Yeah.
Uh, and so, but you know, they used to, you know, they'd give that swag out to, uh, to, to rock musicians and everybody loved that bag because it was so, it was, it was iconic of a time.
2003, 2002.
Everybody wore their bags out.
Jason Finn used his, it was his style.
God, it was his like signature bag.
Anyway, I found a mint one in my collection and I traded it to him for this computer.
Okay.
This computer that he gave me is, I know this is going to be revealing some vulnerabilities here.
Okay.
But it is a late 2012 iMac.
Okay.
Well, so this is what I got for the steak dinner slash also for the bag.
I should have gotten a computer from 2016 for that bag.
Yeah, yeah.
Just in terms of the economics of it, it's something he really wanted.
Yeah, I just wanted to give it to him, frankly.
I just wanted to see his shining coat and his tail wag.
A little wet nose.
A little wet nose.
Anyway, so the other day, here I was, sitting at the house, and the computer started to say, upgrade my operating system.
And I said, no.
Leave it.
Leave it.
The computer would not.
This is my computer.
This is my, that's right.
This is my, you're in my house.
Yeah.
And the computer said.
You're here at his majesty's pleasure.
Mm-hmm.
Computer said, I'm connected to the internet.
Yeah.
That means it is not your house.
It is our house.
And I said, who's our?
And they were like, don't worry your pretty little head about that.
Upgrade my operating system.
Oh, no.
And I said, I don't want to.
Mm-hmm.
But it wouldn't relent.
Hmm.
And so I went online and I said, can you upgrade the operating system of a late 2012 Mac?
And the online said, yes.
Hmm.
I bet there's an asterisk on there somewhere.
That is the earliest computer that will accept Mojave version 10.14.
Okay.
Okay.
And I said, are you sure about this?
The internet?
And the internet said, abso-fucking-lutely.
And I said to the computer, you're not, this isn't one of those.
You're not...
you're not gonna this isn't one of those no well you ask online i mean yeah and the computer was like online can't lie it's fine it's fine it's 2012 come on it's fine come on let's do it just do it was it was it was a particularly i'm trying to find this it was a particularly squarish on the sides or was it slightly tapered on the sides where it was like fat in the middle of the back
That's how it is.
It's fat in the back.
My anaconda don't want none.
It's got fat back.
Fat back, okay.
Slender sides.
Slender sides.
Like Kim Kardashian.
So the one I got from – that's right.
My computer is popping a champagne cork and it's flying up in the air and then landing on its butt.
Okay.
That's the only one I can finish.
The one I got from Anna Banana is square.
It's square on the sides, although it has a little bit of a fat butt.
Interesting.
But the one that I got from Jason is slim, and it's got a black border, and it looks very sleek.
When it's off,
The black border makes it seem like the whole thing is a screen.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
They hide the bezel.
They hide the bezel.
It's got a hidden bezel.
Hidden bezel.
So I did it.
I upgraded the operating system to Mojave 1014.
Really?
And everything turned out fine?
No.
Oh.
Your computer is not upgraded.
Good morning, John.
You're vulnerable, vulnerable, vulnerable.
So what had happened was...
Now I have the – what's cool is now I have everything turned so that it's on the dark side.
Oh, you're in dark mode.
I'm in dark mode.
It's all black and gray.
Yes.
It's all sleek and slick, and I don't feel like the pixels are aggravating my rods and cones.
Sure.
Because everything is like –
Pow.
You can do some hacking now.
It's super hacky, right?
It's super like Mr. Open.
Wow, you're on Mojave.
Look at that.
Mojave.
But every time I click on something,
the computer thinks about it for a while and you know that's not what i want you want it's okay for it to think but you shouldn't know it's thinking i want it to be like having a doctor that goes hmm it takes five minutes to respond that's not good or when you say to a girl like do i have a good butt oh and the girl's like yes
well and you're like wrong answer and you know girls don't think that you that boys care right and most boys don't most boys are like i have a flat house who cares yeah it's not my problem right i don't have to look at it that's the guy attitude right that's what that's what the papers say but it's not true every every boy wants his butt to be loved
You want a nice butt.
And you're like, do I have a nice butt?
And it's like.
Even if it's not the first thing people remark about, especially if it's somebody you've known for a while.
I don't know if we're talking about Anna Banana here, whoever that is.
But it would be nice if you knew, if you had the confidence, if you did wake up at three in the morning and say, I wonder if I have a nice butt.
You'd have some evidence from the last two to seven weeks where somebody said, you have a nice butt.
You can put that in the butt bank.
Or even like, what does it cost?
I mean, you don't want people to lie to you.
It's very inexpensive, John.
But it's like on a 1 to 10 scale, you know, you're going to assume you're a 2.
Kindness is donationware.
It's not surpassingly costly.
Exactly.
Just put it in the 7.
Just say it's a 7.
Just say it.
Yeah, just say it.
It's like, okay, high C, right?
And it's like, well, I didn't say 78.
Oh.
I said it's just, you know, between 7 and 8, but just give somebody that.
You don't have enough of a curved grade on.
No, right, it's just like... This episode of Roderick on the Line is brought to you in part by Squarespace.
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Oh, that gets two bells.
So, anyway, now the computer, so I'm like, okay, let's go, let's go to the thing.
And the computer goes...
And I'm like, okay, let's go.
Come on.
You're having performance issues.
Yeah.
I'm like, get on up there.
Get on up.
Get up.
Get on up.
Get on the scene.
And the computer's like, oh, think about it.
And it's like, I like to see somebody thinking about it while they're in motion to do it.
Hmm.
You know what I mean?
Like, how are you going to do this?
How are you going to catch this football?
You're not going to stop and think about it.
You're going to run.
And then you're going to look over your shoulder.
That football is going to be there where you were hoping it was going to be.
You see that a lot in that Bastic ball now.
I started watching Bastic ball.
And the new thing that they do now, you get a team like our local team, which is a very good team playing team.
They did some amazing stuff.
I still think they really need to work on their defense.
But one of the boys will pass the ball to the other boy.
He acts like he's going to throw it.
Then he throws it to another one of the boys.
You know what that boy does?
He throws it up where it's just kind of near the Bastic, and then another boy jumps up and goes, squoosh, and puts it right into the Bastic.
It's amazing to watch.
That's what you're looking for.
You're not looking for, oh, wait, what game am I playing right now?
No, when I click, do the thing.
He doesn't throw the ball to the fella.
He throws the ball into the air, and the other fella just is like... And for a second, you're going, is that going to be a classic air ball?
Nuh-uh, because this other fella comes, and he puts it right into the Bastic.
flying fella grabs it and kapow.
It's amazing.
Two points.
That's what I want my computer to do.
I want, that's how I want my computer to interact with your computer.
So first of all, I don't want the computer to say... You need a Kevin Durant.
I do, I guess.
Or you might want, you might want a green or... Or whatever.
Somebody who's good in the key, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I'd take a Dean Stockton or whatever.
Listen, here's the thing.
Well, here's the thing.
Now, uh,
I want to hear you all out.
I still want to hear about this Anna Banana, but here's the thing.
Is it when you're on like a web page or you're on the Finder doing folder and file management?
When does it make a beach ball?
Are you getting a beach ball?
I do.
I get beach ball.
So, okay, let's see what happens here.
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to click Safari.
Okay.
It popped up.
Okay.
All right.
I was just in the middle of...
leaving a comment on a guy's uh facebook page about an iroc z okay and so the first thing i see here is that i've written iroc okay but then you called me oh sorry so so i just put iroc i just put a z in there let me just okay i'm gonna leave that alone for a second you're in the text area you're typing um all right so i just clicked on face favorites all right let's see what happens let's um
Let's click on a web page.
Oh, wait.
Oh, it got there.
And that's the story of your life, though.
You've been having a problem, and now you want to show somebody a problem, and then everything works fine.
Yeah, it all seems to be working.
It's like a reverse bat demo.
um you know i think it's uh let's see what let me see if i can find another way to uh to implement a fail here um uh well i don't want to close skype because i'm talking you think you got hacked wait i'm gonna open mail hang on here we go oh no you don't want to do no no oh no four five thanks to our sponsors this week because i won't be hearing from john anytime soon but look it's not open it's still not open oh forget with mail.app
Still not open.
Shit, dog.
Don't open that garbage.
Maybe.
Oh, it's a bad app, John.
Mail is?
Oh, there it is.
Oh, it came up.
So you see what I mean?
That took a lot longer than it ought to have.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
So what do I do?
Have I got viruses?
Did I get hacked?
What do I do?
I have some technical things you could try.
Okay, I just tried to close it.
Now it's been in beach balls.
Now we're going to have to run this past our technologist in residence, John Syracuse.
I think generally when you're getting beach balls, I believe that is an indication of low memory.
It's having trouble doing the things because your RAM is constrained in some way.
Still beach balling.
Oh, for the love of Pete.
All right, try this.
I got constrained ram.
Try this.
Go to the magnifying glass.
Go to spotlight.
Okay.
Still beach balling.
I'm over in spotlight now.
Go.
Yeah.
Type activity.
Active.
You know, that's a great thing I've noticed now about people my age is that when they're Googling something, they spell it.
Oh, yeah.
Activity.
Activity.
I went through years of that with my dear sweet mother.
Oh, my Firefox is down.
Say, what does that mean, Mom?
What do you mean your Firefox is down?
All right, here's activity.
I got CPU.
Yeah, activity monitor, and you get your processes.
Now, let's go to CPU.
I got CPU here.
And sort by percent CPU.
Sort by percent CPU, Roger.
You're probably seeing Skype.
I see kernel task.
Kernel task is like, that's your brain core.
You don't want that to go away.
That's good.
Okay.
Now, mail finally...
Shut down.
Oh.
But for whatever reason, it left me an open window of a mail that it thinks I wanted to send.
Oh, wait.
No, mail didn't shut down.
In fact, mail is still open.
It sent me a thing, and it's trying to send an email from longwintersatme.com.
Oh, Jiminy.
Which is not an address I use a lot.
All right, I'm going to try and shut you down again, mail.
Yeah.
Oh, oh.
Try this.
Try option, command, option, command, escape.
Oh, no, but I don't want to.
Well, we'll just see if it's hung.
We'll just see if it's hung.
No, no, no, it's gone now.
It finally went down.
Okay.
So I got Skype helper activity monitors taking up.
Isn't that the way?
Isn't that always the way?
It's so meta.
Yeah, who activities the activities.
Now, oh, what the address book source sync was up there for a while.
Oh, now something called Soagent.
Yeah.
Call service.
Try starting by CPU time.
CPU time.
And we'll see.
Kernel task.
Kernel task is going to be big.
Core audio.
Yeah.
Core audio.
Okay, that's all good.
Click on memory.
Let's look at memory.
Windows server.
Try memory.
See if anything exciting is happening in memory.
Memory.
Well, for some reason, Facebook is taking up 500 megabytes of memory.
Okay.
All right.
And then Google Chrome Helper.
Yes.
Windows Server, Dropbox.
Cloud D. So why are those things?
Why is that?
They're doing background stuff.
We've got tidying up.
I don't want Facebook doing any background stuff.
Lighting a scented candle.
What the?
Quality of life issues.
Okay.
All right.
The other thing we can do is find out if you have any problems with your hard disk or your disk drive.
And we could walk through that.
That's a very exciting thing.
We go into single user mode at startup.
After you hear the ding, you hold down Command S, and it brings up the terminal.
All those little letters.
It looks like MS-DOS.
Uh-huh.
Then I'm in the matrix.
And you can run FSCK.
FSCK will detect whether there are any big problems with your disk.
But I can't do that while I'm talking to you.
No, no.
That would not be advisable for the show.
I think we've already helped a lot of people with this.
Yeah, I do feel like.
But so what you just discovered in looking at my things was that there was no problem.
Well, there wasn't anything crazy.
And this is kind of why it's interesting sometimes to hit option command escape, because even if you aren't going to quit those apps, you can see if one of them is read and not responding.
Oh, I like to do that.
I do that too.
I do that too.
It's kind of like they used to say, you know, they used to say, go to the doctor, you get a checkup.
And now they say, don't do that because it's actually turns out it's potentially fine.
Well, and you get false positives and there's all kinds of things that can make a vulnerable, vulnerable person feel anxious.
And you don't want your doctor to do that.
Nope.
So which one now?
Help me out here.
Is this the Anna Banana computer you're on right now?
No.
See, so for a while... Now you're on the Jason Finn computer.
Yeah.
For a while I had both of... So anyway, I brought the Anna Banana computer home and I just put it on a desk somewhere and it sat there for about...
I don't know, five months.
Okay.
And then I realized it had a lot of stuff on it that I hadn't gotten off.
Mm-hmm.
And I didn't want to put it into target disk mode.
Ah, please.
Because come on.
Am I right?
Yes.
Am I right?
Sure.
You're right.
So I was like, yeah, there's got to be some webinology here.
Yes.
So I hooked them both up.
Oh, and they're next to each other.
I did.
I looked like I had a battle station and I was about to play some some, you know, Sergeant Rock or some massively multiplayer.
Yeah, I was just about to get in there and just and I was going to play it on the web and I was going to make a million dollars because people wanted to watch me just play video games.
That's right.
You're no-scoping fools.
No-scoping is right.
Just when you think your battle cruiser is about to destroy my planet.
John Roderick, he doesn't play video games.
Turns out I beamed on board your bridge.
You didn't expect me.
Nope.
Sucka.
So I had them both up, but here's the problem.
Ready?
Here's problem number two.
I only have one mouse.
Oh, one mouse, two computers.
So I had to keep unplugging the mouse and moving it to the other computer to do a thing, and then I had to move over back to this computer and do a thing, move over back to that computer.
Savage.
It was pretty savage.
Yeah.
I had two keyboards.
I just had the one mouse.
And the reason I just had the one mouse is when I go to the thrift store to buy a second mouse, I don't like any of the mice.
They're all from HP or something.
They don't have any of the... I don't want a mouse from HP.
I don't want a mouse from Dell.
I want a normal good mouse.
And the problem is people are always like, right click on this.
I'm like, I only have the one button.
No, no right click.
I can't right click.
I only have the one button.
i'm gonna get so much email about this and people are like well i don't know man you're supposed to right click on it i'm like i don't know tell me what do i hold down option and click do i have what there's got to be a control and click is right click right i do that all the time sure right click on stuff i just control click sure anyway so i wanted a second one of those but i can't you can't find them at thrift stores and i didn't want to buy one online because maybe you maybe you get one that was made by dell and it just looks like an apple oh they just painted over it yeah
So I got on the computer and I was like, let's do this.
Okay.
Right.
Let's do this.
Because I know there's a mode where you can make the computers friends.
Mm-hmm.
And so I went into that mode.
Kind of a friendly mode.
It's friend mode.
It's like share mode.
Share with friend mode.
I went in and the computer was like, oh, oh, wait, no, no, no.
So then the Anna Banana computer said, you need to upgrade your operating system.
Oh, here we go.
And I said, you know what?
Fine.
And I, you know, how many bad decisions have I made in my life where I started out saying, you know what?
Fine.
Yeah.
Well, normally you would push back on that.
You don't like cold medicine and you don't like people telling you when it's time to upgrade your computer.
You say, no, I'll make that decision when I'm good and ready.
And then sometimes one capitulates and you say, fine.
Look, I've never been married, but it doesn't mean that eventually I won't go.
You know what?
Fine.
Yeah, sure.
Fine.
Any given Sunday.
You never know.
And I do I do that every once in a while.
I say, OK, you know what?
Fine.
And that's usually when my truck catches on fire or it's usually when I end up like, I don't know.
In a relationship with a lawyer or something, something bad.
You've chosen poorly.
You know what?
Fine.
Anyway, so I said, you know what?
Fine.
And.
Strangely, this computer only upgraded its operating system to the level it was capable of, which I didn't know was a thing that they allowed it to do.
It upgraded what it had.
I see.
And it turned out that the Anna Banana computer is the oldest one.
that can still run an operating system that can still communicate with the ones from now.
Did you just go over this online or just from process of elimination?
Just like I'm just looking.
I've got two screens up.
You're doing computer science here.
I've got my headset on.
I've got my VR goggles.
I've got my Imogen Heap gloves.
And I'm all pew pew.
And all bullets are flying by me in super slow-mo.
And I'm bending way back like you couldn't even do.
I've got a cape on.
Right.
Yep, yep, yep.
And so I figure out, okay, like I'm in the last days of a dying era.
If I can get, I can get stuff off the antibanana computer.
Mm-hmm.
But not for long.
Oh, you got a window.
Yeah, one of those days it's going to say, oh, that no longer, we no longer service.
Oh, you waited too long.
Yeah.
We can no longer adjust those ski bindings.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Did I ever tell you that story?
I went into the ski resort and I was like, I got my old skis out.
And the kid was like, never seen
those before.
And I said, what are you talking about?
This was, these were top of the line vocals within, you know, these were like race quality, Olympic quality, Solomon 747S bindings or 747E keep bindings.
And the kid was like, I am not authorized to work on those.
Oh my goodness.
And I said, bring your manager out here, young man.
And the manager came out.
He was like 29.
Did he call you old timer?
And he said, Oh, I've seen those.
And the young kid was just like looking over at him like, really?
Like it's like Colonial Williamsburg.
Oh, yeah.
That's a wooden barrel you use to make butter.
I see.
Interesting.
Are you freaking kidding me?
Yes.
These bindings are not that old.
And the guy was like, when are they from?
And I was like, 80.
And he was like, see, I mean, I was born in 86 or whatever.
I was like, oh, man.
And so he said.
Bring out your district manager.
He said, we're not authorized to work on these.
And I said, listen, bring out a form, whatever you need.
I'll sign it so you can loan me your screwdriver right now and I'll adjust the bindings and take all responsibility.
And he was like.
I think, okay, all right.
So he went back and he came out with some page, piece of paper that was like, I accept all responsibility.
And you said fine.
Yeah, because I know how to work on the bindings.
I just was at the place.
Well, what I was doing was renting boots.
This isn't your first day.
You had Olympic quality skis.
You know from bindings.
Yeah, I was like, I just want to rent boots.
And he was like, well, we have to adjust the skis to fit the boots and we can't do it.
And I was like, I'll do the bindings.
You just get out of my, you know what?
Clear a path.
You guys, time to watch and learn.
Mm-hmm.
it's not it's not rocket science it's skiing anyway so it was so anna banana computer is like these bindings okay okay so i get it hooked up and it's all like everything's okay so far so good and then i say let's go into friend mode
And I'm switching the mouse back and forth between the two computers.
And the Jason Finn computer is like, let's get into friend mode.
And I'm like, right on people going back over to the Anna banana computer.
Here we go.
Look it up.
And Anna banana computer says, please put in your password, your system admin password.
I'm like system admin password.
It's not the same as the normal password.
Hmm.
Your system admin password.
System admin.
So I look on that and it says there are two system admins for this computer.
There's John.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
There's three.
Well, not three.
Is Anna Banana still on there?
No.
You know who's on there?
Who?
Hot Dogs Ladies.
What?
Hot Dogs Ladies.
Oh, man.
Is a system admin.
Are you hacking me right now?
No, I think Hot Dogs Ladies is a system admin on this because when I first got this, I went into target disk mode on the laptop that you and I bought at the University of San Francisco.
Oh my goodness.
And imported that laptop.
Oh, because the user got imported.
You pulled over the admin.
I pulled over the admin.
My legacy's alive.
You're still alive in the machine.
Only listen to the first 10 seconds of all your songs.
Click.
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I'm counting on you more than click.
Hey Madeline, how's it going?
Click.
Oh, I'm doing good.
Oh, Merlin's listening to my record.
Almost done.
How have you been?
Oh, here comes Merlin.
Hey, it sounds great.
Yeah.
Thanks, Merle.
Yeah.
You got the gist?
I got the gist.
Click.
Yeah.
Okay, so Jason Finn's computer is going, wow, wow.
And this one is saying you got to cough up an admin.
Jason Finn's got the computer picture, the Apple computer picture of the square face with the Picasso nose and the smile.
It's kind of one face, kind of two faces.
It's one face or two face, right?
It's a clever little logo.
Face off.
Face off.
And the other computer is like... It's even encouraging friend mode.
It's saying right on the logo.
Make a friend.
Find a friend.
Make a friend.
Light face, dark face.
Make a friend.
Oh, Hakuna Matata.
Yeah.
And I'm like, system admin password.
So I put in a password.
I put in the password that I assumed was from the time.
Doesn't recognize it.
So I put in the other password from that time.
doesn't recognize it.
So then I put in... Car parts with a five instead of an S. Car parts with a five.
And then I did like a later password that came along later.
Doesn't know that one.
Oh, I see.
So you're flipper, flipper, flipper.
You're going through your files thinking of what were the contemporaneous passwords that might be the admin key.
Right.
When I have to log into Facebook for whatever reason, the password is some password from, you know, a long time ago.
Oh, boy.
And the internet from then, too.
And an email address I don't use anymore.
What a house of cards, John.
It really is.
Isn't that tied to your Instagram account?
Aren't you vulnerable in that same way because you've got all the same stuff?
But I never log into anything.
It just sits there.
It's always logged in.
Everything's logged in all the time.
So if I get logged out, maybe I'll never get back in.
I don't know how to get into my MySpace page.
I couldn't get into my Flickr page if it still existed.
You can't change your flair at all.
No, no, can't.
I can't change my top five.
Yeah, your top five, your Verizon friends.
We're working on, at this point, getting the Anna Banana computer into a state where friend mode can be enabled so you can ziba-zaba files and folders from the Anna Banana computer, transfer that over to the Jason Finn friends computer, friends face computer.
And the problem is the Anna Banana computer.
And you got one mouse because you don't want to Dell.
I only got one mouse.
Okay.
The other problem is that the Anna Banana computer then threw up a clue.
It said, here's a hint to your password.
And it gave me a cryptic sentence that I recognized as something I would have written that gave me absolutely no insight into.
Because what the clue was, basically, was it's the same password as this other thing.
Oh, no, you're hoisted by your own Picard.
From back then.
Oh, geez.
Right?
Remember the password that you used for this other thing?
Yes.
Something like, you know, same as Facebook or something.
Yeah, right, right.
That's not a great opsec, but it might work.
Why?
That doesn't help.
Like, hey, pass me.
Do something else than that.
Say, like, mom's cat.
You can't close the loop.
You can't close the loop.
No.
And I was like, so then I said, well, surely I offered a second clue because everything now asks you for three or four clues.
Sure.
No, it's just the one clue.
The one clue that's basically like, same, you know, second, first, same as the first.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So that was when... I didn't know how this works out.
Well, that was when the Goog jumped into the picture.
Okay.
Oh, the Goog is the source of the sinking.
Do you want to sink?
Do you want to sink?
Do you want to sink?
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to sink?
Okay.
Do you want to sink?
Yeah.
Do you want to sink?
Yeah.
Do you want to sink me there?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, there.
There.
So the titular Google Sync is running on the Antibanana computer so that you can pull it over to the Jason Finn Faces computer?
Antibanana computer.
Antibanana computer becomes the source of truth.
You push that up to the clode, and then in the fullness of time, the computer you got in exchange for a bag and or a steak will be able to pull down the files and folders, and you'll be able to be made whole.
True.
Now, I don't know if that... So right now, I don't know why the Jason Finn computer has to be working...
hard in order for the Anna Banana computer to be syncing stuff to the cloud.
So when you turned off the Google Sync, that was on the Jason Finn computer that you're mostly on right now because that's the one the mouse is attached to.
Right.
But to your knowledge, based on information, the Anna Banana computer is still running the Goog somewhere up in its menu bar.
Conceive a bobble.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Okay.
I can't, but the thing is I can't know because I would have to unplug the mouse and plug it into the Anna Banana computer just to get it up and running.
Totally understood.
And how long ago, if you can say for, you know, security and OPSEC reasons, approximately how long ago did you get the Goog on the Anna Banana computer?
Last night.
Last night, okay.
Last night at...
Well, wait a minute.
Was it last night?
It was Sunday, yesterday.
Sunday was yesterday.
It might have been the day before.
Yesterday, what I did was I sorted all my glasses.
Okay.
I spent all day doing that yesterday.
Okay.
The day before, I downloaded a bunch of loops from my looper, and then the looper said...
That I had corrupted it somehow.
You corrupted the Looper on the Jason Finn computer?
I corrupted the Looper because I didn't eject the Looper before I pushed end sync button on Looper.
And the Looper was like, data corrupted.
And then I had to go online and figure out what to do.
And all they could say was like, factory reset.
Gotta park your Blender bus.
And a lot of the factory reset comments were from 2009.
Oh, see, you got to be careful about the comments.
2007 looper.
You did a good job on this beard and mustache trim.
It's pretty good.
Recently?
I don't know, man.
I'm looking at one where you got your glasses on top of your head and you're kind of looking at the camera.
Oh, about the... You're waiting for Humans of New York.
Yeah, Rwanda.
Rwanda.
On there, yeah.
Okay, when was that?
That was four days ago, okay.
Humans of New York has been in Rwanda interviewing people.
I've never understood how Humans of New York gets people to open up to him so...
So completely open up.
They do.
He gets amazing stories, but he's in Rwanda and the stories are just fucking devastating.
Oh God.
So I didn't know how to post that before you had installed the Google sync on the Anna banana computer for sure.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
I think we've got a timeline.
We've got a tick tock working now.
Yep.
Sometime between then and now.
And the thing is I have not put everything on Anna Banana Computer up into the cloud.
I just did some things because I wanted to test it.
That's smart.
And unfortunately, though, it's syncing all kinds of shit that I didn't ask it to.
Oh, boy, it syncs a lot of stuff.
It's just like, oh, did you want to sync all these huge files?
Did you just point it?
I only use it for photos.
Do you point it at like...
your documents folder, your desktop folder, you tell it like, just do the whole kit and caboodle?
I know what I did was I like put a couple of folders that had like,
Well, stuff I didn't want to lose.
Oh, okay.
All right.
I don't care really if I lose.
Let's be honest.
The clock is ticking.
You don't know how long it's going to be until this is an ineligible computer.
Right.
When does the Goog say, oh, we don't recognize Anna Banana Computer unless you put in the password from 2006.
Oh, God.
When you originally set up a system admin with Merlin.
Yeah.
It wasn't even 2006.
It was 2005.
I'm always trying to help, but I don't always help.
No, no, no.
It was very helpful.
But, you know, between the two of us, our brain trust... I mean, your passwords now are probably all 5, 2, lowercase i, x. Oh, no.
I use upper and lowercase.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, I use... Upper i, lower i. Yeah, I use dash, do tilde.
But you don't say, like...
merlin mann and the a is a four well i couldn't really say and the e is a three you can't you can't crack something like that i mean that's your keyboard just look at your keyboard you couldn't do that up how would you even know where to begin opsec infosec that's you know and so i just do like my phone number you know like that's real easy
Yeah, shapes, but the S is a five, and the other one's an S. Yeah, exactly.
Lowercase, lowercase.
That might be it.
That might be the password.
Shapes said the S is a five.
Password accepted.
You're into Anna Bonilla.
I'm in!
I'm in!
You cracked the encryption!
Now time to rewrite.
All you want is friendship.
You're looking for computer friendship.
Should it be this difficult to have computers be friends?
So here's the thing.
I looked at, I was looking at these computers.
I was looking at my battle station here and I was like, do, do, do.
And I said, what would it take to,
What would it take for me to get you into a brand new computer today?
What kind of a deal?
Do you want the undercoating?
Do you want the rust proofing?
It comes from straight from the factory.
Yeah.
Do you want, look, I can get, I can get you the mag wheels.
I can get you the in dash entertainment system.
Wow.
I can get you the headrest entertainment system.
We're just going to, how about, why don't you be one of those people that just goes to the Mac store, picks the biggest, coolest new thing and just buys it.
Because there are rich people that do that shit all the time.
Shit, dog.
That does not obviate your anti-banana problem, though, right?
No, it doesn't, but... I mean, you can buy all the computers in the world.
You still got stuff stuck over on the anti-banana computer.
But if you bought some one of those computers... Are we talking about you going to get a real workhorse?
Yeah, workhorse.
Like a draft horse.
One of those with five quad cores.
Or the one that – remember the one that Apple made that looked like some kind of appliance?
Yes.
It was like a blurb.
Yeah, they made a blurb.
They made several things.
They made a Wi-Fi thing, like a teardrop kind of.
You're talking about probably like the – what's it called?
The one they made like a long time ago that was looking like a box.
Yeah, quad core.
Quad core.
There was one that looked like a Haldron accelerator or maybe like a box of Quaker Oats.
Or a lamp.
Or a lamp.
It looked like a lamp.
A mid-century modern lamp that you might get on the internet.
Cube.
That's what I was thinking of the cube.
It was like a quadruple quad core.
Something like that with one of those big screens where you say, is this as good as a TV?
It's a real workhorse.
Yes.
They say it's better than a TV, but you can't really watch TV on it.
And you say, if I had a screen... But you know what?
You're not going to want to watch TV.
With all that power, TV is going to be the least of your concerns.
You've got so much going on now.
You could be doing anything.
You could be cracking SETI's, right?
You'll be editing vids.
You'll be making videos and editing them on... You'll be producing content, that's for sure.
And then you'll put it up on the webpage that you designed with our built-in webpage put-up software.
Yes.
All right, thanks to Squarespace.
And it would be... Hmm...
It would be one of those blogs with a lot of video content.
So when you have a simple question you want, like, hey, how do I do this?
It's like, let's watch this two-minute-long video.
And it's like, I don't want that.
You could explain this to me in a sentence fragment.
I've been talking to my little girl about sentence fragments lately because a lot of her homework, the teacher will say, write a sentence using the word because.
And she'll write, because I want to.
And I'm like, sweetie, that's not a sentence.
She's like, well, they don't want us to write a sentence.
They just want us to use the word.
And I was like, it says the word sentence.
So I'm going to use this as a teaching moment to teach you what a sentence is.
Uh-huh.
And she resists it because that's not, she doesn't think she needs to, but I'm like, there are things you need to know that you don't think you need to know.
The things you want to teach them the most are the things that they least want to hear.
That's for sure.
I'm like subject, verb, object.
Everything we ever do here on this homework is going to meet that basic criteria from here on out.
Right.
And so then we sit and we try and figure out, like, what can we add to this fragment to make it into a complete sentence?
And that's a fun game.
Yes.
Usually it doesn't take much.
Usually you just add a couple of words and there it is.
Let's at least get you up to comma splices.
But we need to build.
Build, build, build.
We need to get away from this just because of Winn-Dixie stuff.
Let's move it up.
Right.
Exactly.
Yeah.
But if I want to learn how to, like...
uh adjust a 1986 solomon 747 e-keep i do not want to watch a video about it i just want to do that you don't use youtube to learn things i i i learn lots of things like how to fix things from youtube so i learn how to fix my ice maker from there there was a youtube video so i was having some problems with my lawnmower okay it would start push lawnmower riding lawnmower
I don't have a riding lawnmower.
I mean, the day that I get a riding lawnmower, I will already have the biggest Mac you can have.
A real workhorse.
Right, I'll get the workhorse.
One that can do things I would never want.
I would never want to do.
It'll be running SETI.
Wouldn't that be nice to have a computer that does more than you need?
And it grows with you, and you just keep updating.
You go past Mojave.
You get into like Fremont, or you get Fremont Sierra, and it keeps going up and up and up, right?
You get, I don't know, Fruitvale Station.
It just keeps going up and up and up, right?
You get to Eureka, Eureka Pro.
You get to Terrapin.
You get to Terrapin Station.
You can't figure out Terrapin.
what's that song i like there summer magnolia what's it called sweetie pie maple syrup what's that song i like sweetie pie maple syrup is that the one it's got the guitar solo in it is that what's that one called lullaby lullaby lullaby memories what's it called what's the one i'm thinking of the bass line goes oh it's got the drums and the percussion i like that one i like that one and then somebody goes
Yeah, that's the one.
So the idea is you get a real workhorse and you don't even need to watch TV.
You're going to have no problem sucking down Anna Banana because this thing's going to have the throughput.
It's going to have the torque that you need.
It's going to have the engagement and it's going to have the gearbox that lets you really go boom.
Now we're in second gear.
Yeah.
You're never even going to need to change the oil on this.
That's what it says right there.
You never change the oil.
Right, right, right, right.
So I went on YouTube.
Adam Pranica was here.
Okay.
And I said, the machine's not working, the lawnmower.
Okay.
And he said, well, it seems like the carburetor.
And Adam is, he's mechanical.
Is he a gearhead?
Well, yeah, he's mechanical.
He drives BMWs and he works on them himself.
He puts in the Deenan chip and puts a new... What's he got?
He's got an M-Series?
What has he got?
He's got everything he gets is one of those M cars right now.
That's like a starter BMW, right?
Well, no, I was embarrassed for him because he showed up in some SUV, but he was like, no, no, no.
It's got the, all the, it's got a Dean and chip.
Did you do a podcast for a living?
yeah i think so shit that's that that's old star trek money right jesus christ star trek people like what he used to do he used to make uh what he made he made uh independent films for costco before right he made videos for boeing for a long time boeing okay they're internal internal videos like hi i suppose like welcome to oh hi i didn't see you there yeah right
Welcome to the training video where we tell you how to wire up the bathroom fans on a 777.
Oh, that's his new one.
So the wide bodies.
That's a wide body.
Real workhorse.
Okay.
Okay, so Adam is a gearhead.
Adam has BMWs, and he understands carburation.
So Adam says, why don't we call up a YouTube video on the Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine?
So I'm like, I wouldn't have thought to do that, but all right, let's do.
Briggs & Stratton, okay.
So then there's a guy.
making a video and he's like here's how we get to the carburetor of briggs and stratton 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engine and i look over at adam like okay are you gonna follow this video and fix my lawnmower and adam's like good luck
What did that mean?
Well, it's a teaching moment for him.
Oh, no.
He's like, I'm not going to fix your lawnmower.
He's trying to teach me how to fish?
And the thing is, I can follow a YouTube video, but he's just like, I want to see you.
I'm going to stand here and give you moral support, but I want to see you fix this lawnmower.
All right.
So I follow the guy and he's like, take the screw that holds the housing and put the screw up your nose and then take the housing off.
And you'll find under there a valve grommet that goes to the turbo and fabulator.
Okay.
And I follow the diagram here.
Yeah.
I follow the instructions and I fall and I get all the way down.
And then I'm like, then I'm really, I'm pot committed here.
I've got my lawnmower all taken apart and
So you're taking it apart as you're watching the video.
Yep.
Okay.
And this is the first time I'd ever done one of these, and I was realizing in the moment, like, shit, I could probably fix anything with this.
There's a guy that's like, then you take the
You take the turbofabulator and you add it to your sauce and you put a couple of meatballs in there because you never know when you're going to have to feed a bunch of guys when they all go to the mattresses.
So you get a rich mix on your spark plug.
So I do it, and then he said, you'll find the jet, and I bet you the jet is clogged.
Now, I used to replace the jets on this –
i i used to have a ford f-250 but it had a gm 350 motor in it you can't do that well it was not supposed to be done this way you can do that that's like isn't it like a dogs and cats living together kind of thing sort of yeah pretty much they're both american but they're made by different americans right yes okay pretty much all right i bought it up in delta junction alaska for my guy and he was like you know up here in delta junction we just do we make do with what we got
And he said, when I put the 350 into the F-250, I had to rejigger all the hoses and the belts.
So you're going to see some belts that take an interesting path.
And I was like, that belt has taken an interesting path.
And he was like, yep.
Well, that's what you have to do to get the alternator to hook up with the sinculator.
Okay.
And and so but it worked.
It worked fine.
But the thing is, the whole thing was Alaska done.
So when I brought being told what to do, John, they do not.
And he said, you know, this is going to surprise some people.
It had a heart transplant.
You're going to pop this hood open sometimes and people are going to take a step back or they're going to take a step forward or they're going to take a step to the side.
They're going to do see dough.
Mm hmm.
But it's not going to be what they're expecting.
You do like a Schrodinger's 250, F-250, you say to somebody, what's in here?
They might have a real different idea until they open the lid.
It's a quantum state.
Yeah, they're going to say 351 Cleveland, and I'm going to say, nope.
Sorry, pal.
Anyway, but when I brought that truck down to America, down here in America, they have things like... Contemporaneous 48.
Mm-hmm.
Like you have in California, emissions controls.
Oh, here we go.
Here comes the government.
That's right.
So I went to the emissions, and the government said, this truck doesn't pass emissions.
Oh, God.
So you go to the Shell station where they got that banner hung out front?
No, I didn't go to that guy.
And this is before YouTube videos.
But I knew enough about a thing that I went to the auto parts store.
And I said, I think that I have some jets in this truck that are too fat.
And I need some thinner jets.
And you buy those jets for not very much money, and you can put those jets in for not very much hardness.
So I sat there in the parking lot of the... And I asked the guy behind the counter, like, what do you got for me in terms of telling me what about this?
And he was like, oh, it's real easy.
You just derp and derp and herp.
And...
And I said, excellent.
Based on his herpaderpa, you felt confident that he'd given you the high sign to say this is totally something you could put thinner jets in.
Just do it right out in the driveway.
It'll be fine.
So they don't like you to do it right in front of the store, but I did it anyway.
So this is all the car work I ever did involved going to an old-fashioned auto parts store where a guy with like a Jeff Skunk Baxter mustache said, oh, yeah, well, sounds like what you got there.
is a clogged enfabulator and uh here's the part and it's real easy and then you know a couple of like a couple of basically like a couple of attaboys like you just get under there and you just take it apart and then you put it back together and those guys do it all the time and so i was like yeah sure and i've done a couple of things like i tried to fix the linkage on a
On a three-on-the-tree transmission of a 68 Chevy C10 pickup.
And I broke the fuck out of that.
Oh, no.
And that was a bummer because I didn't have any money and I didn't have the sense God gave a turnip.
And I just left that truck parked on the side of the road until the city came by and took it.
Hmm.
And the problem or the advantage was I had never registered it.
Oh, smart.
Well, it was smart, except that the guy that I bought it from for 50 bucks ended up getting a letter from the city saying we impounded your truck.
Oh, no.
And then he came to me and he was like, what the hell?
I was like, hey, man.
Why don't you just smoke a J and chill?
Do you think you were being a poor steward of the device?
He thought that I was being a dumb stoner, which is what I was.
So he wasn't wrong.
The city wasn't wrong.
It was me that was wrong.
One time, I was driving in my uncle's 280 SL, also a 68, and the transmission linkage for that broke.
Ugh.
And that was really bad, but it was like an old Mercedes and I climbed underneath it and I found where the linkage was because I had already, this was after I'd screwed up the linkage on that three on the tree.
So I knew what to look for.
You learned from your mistake.
Yep.
Even though it was easy to climb under to the Chevy, but it was really hard to get under that Mercedes because it was so low to the ground.
I found the linkage.
My dad was with me and I said, dad,
Uh, do we have any duct tape?
And lo and behold, we had duct tape.
I don't know why.
It's not like uncle Cal kept duct tape in the car.
I don't remember why we had tape.
We had some tape.
I don't even know if it was duct tape.
Okay.
And I took the tape and I wrapped the tape around the linkage like a hundred times and
And it held long enough to get it into gear, drive down the road, and take it to the Mercedes dealer because my uncle is the type of person that buys a brand new computer that has the power.
And he's also the guy that takes his car to the dealer to be serviced.
They like that, don't they?
Yeah, they do.
They like you to do that.
I feel like that company in particular, they're pretty tough on you going to the shade tree mechanic down the road.
They don't care for that.
They don't want you to do that.
Do they put seals on and stuff?
Oh, they do all the time.
Expensive seals.
Seals that the Mercedes company still makes for their products.
A temper-free, a temper-reduction seal, like where they could say, oh, oh, Shade Tree got on this one.
Oh, I don't, well, they can't do that with their 1968 ones.
Okay.
Maybe.
Oh, I take your point.
They probably don't even make those seals anymore.
So for once, this is going to be useful to you.
Well, when I drove in there and I was like, the linkage needs a fix, and they got under there and saw that it was taped together with tape, I bet you they knew it wasn't done by an authorized dealer.
Okay.
The Germans don't tape stuff.
No, they don't.
And so it got fixed, and it went back to Uncle Cal, and Uncle Cal was just like, what's the price of doing business?
I let my nephew drive the car, and somehow... That's sanguine.
Okay.
Yeah.
But with the other things I've done, like change a starter, change a water pump, change the jets in this transmission, it was always a thing where some guy with a handlebar mustache said...
Ah, it's no problem.
Just go ahead and do it.
And I did it.
I never had an impact wrench.
I never had any of those things.
I just got into there with my craftsman tools.
This is a problem with expertise.
You start out knowing nothing.
Then you learn something.
But it takes an additional level of expertise in order to really help somebody understand whether they could do it too.
Yes.
It takes a certain amount of self-knowledge and a certain kind of humility and generosity to know when to say to somebody from behind the counter, sure, grab your craftspersons and go just change these jets.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
You can't count on people to do that.
They're just there to move units.
Well, one time I had a real problem.
I couldn't get the starter to work.
And the guy with the Jeff Skunk Baxter mustache, who used to own the auto parts store,
in conjunction with his brother who looked like Fat Freddy Freak.
Okay.
And actually, I have to admit that the other brother with the Jeff Skunk Baxter mustache kind of looked like
And Phineas Freak.
Or I'm sorry.
No, he looked like Freewheel and Franklin Freak.
Oh, okay.
All right.
So Freewheel and Franklin and Fat Freddy.
Okay.
I used to go down there and talk to them all the time.
Even if I didn't have to buy an auto part, I would just go talk to them because they knew so much.
And they had an auto part store right in the middle of Capitol Hill that now has been converted into a hot dog restaurant where you pay like $12 for a hot dog.
But then it was a functioning auto parts store.
And so I went down.
I was like, my starter's busted.
And the guy said, I bet it's not.
And I said, I turned the key and it won't go.
And he said, yeah, I bet you what you need to do is clean the terminals on your battery.
That's a twist.
So I went and I looked at it.
And I came back and I said, starter's busted.
I looked at the battery and it's fine.
And he said, here's the thing about the terminals on your battery.
You can look at it, but that doesn't really tell you anything.
You have to take it.
You have to take the leads off.
You have to scrape the terminals of the battery with some, with some, you know, uh, steel wall.
Yeah.
And then you get that, you get that stuff on there.
You get that buildup.
Yeah.
You get buildup.
That's right.
You get plaque.
Okay.
And, uh,
And so it should work fine after you do that.
I bet you that's your problem.
And so here was the real problem.
I ignored him.
You ignored him.
You didn't steal wool your terminals.
You doggedly pursued the previous venture.
Exactly.
So I got under the truck.
I took the starter out and I, which was not a, not 100% hard, but it was not 100% easy.
Yeah.
I took the starter down to the auto parts store.
I said, here's the old starter and freewheeling Franklin took the starter out of my hands.
We walked over across the auto parts store to the part that had a garage door.
He put it on the floor and
He put his foot on it and he took a lead, an electrical lead that he had connected to a thing and he touched it to the lead on the starter and
And the starter went, kapow!
And, you know, I have never seen one in action, but the starter sits there, and then it shoots this rod that has a gear on the end, like, shoots it out really hard.
Kapow!
And the thing spins, and it's like...
Oh, it has nothing to slow it down.
It's operating in the free range.
But when your car is already running and then you can't hear it and you hit the key accidentally.
Oh, you don't want to do that.
You don't want to do that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, the reason it's doing that is this thing shoots this horse penis out.
Okay.
spinning really fast, and if it hit a thing that was already spinning... Gotta respect the horse.
Well, it's an amazing little piece of mechanical thing.
You don't think about it when it works.
You don't think about it when it works.
So then he looks at me and he's like, the starter works fine.
It just did exactly what it's supposed to do.
Go put this... I'm not going to sell you a new starter.
Go put your starter back in.
Did you clean the battery terminals?
And I said...
No, but I'm sure the battery's fine.
And he said, I don't think you're listening to me.
So I went back.
I took the starter.
I put it back in.
Okay.
It didn't work.
I did not believe that the battery terminals could be the problem.
It looked fine.
You got a little bit of sunk cost at this point because you've put in a lot of effort into that starter solution.
And it would, on some level, I'm just guessing, it would be kind of frustrating if it really was just a need of steel wool.
That's right.
Wouldn't that kind of crush you a little bit after you've done all that?
Well, let me tell you how crushed I was.
Oh, no.
Because I got home, I put the thing back in, hands all covered in grease.
Sure.
Didn't work.
Uh-huh.
I called the auto parts store.
Okay.
Is this Freewheel and Franklin?
Freewheel and Franklin picks up the phone.
Okay.
I said, it's me, John.
I come in there sometimes and stand around, talk to you about things, machines and stuff.
Uh, still can't get this thing to work.
And he said, I'll be right over the devil.
You say, because he had my address because I'd given him checks and stuff.
Cause you're like a frequent flyer.
Oh, I see.
Because of the checks.
Okay.
This guy's putting a lot of stuff together.
It's just an auto parts story.
He's not a mechanic.
I don't know, man.
This guy, he sounds like he's operating on another level.
He drives over to my house.
Yeah.
He drives to your house.
He gets out of his truck.
He comes over to the Ford F-250.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
He opens the hood.
He says...
huh he the thing is he knew it was a chevy motor already because we'd been through this a million times was i was because i was buying parts because i was trying to figure out how to get but now you're going to be revealed to be engine fluid well and the thing is he you know he was already selling me caterpillar belts to fit onto this crazy thing so he had an idea that there was something special going on yeah he was like okay okay he pulls a wrench out of his pocket he takes the
Lead off the battery.
He hits it with a little steel wool thing.
Puts it back on.
Truck starts up.
Truck starts up like it was off the lot.
Just like.
And he gave me a look.
Which was just like.
I hope.
We've been through this together now.
And I feel like my diagnostic skills are confirmed.
That's not enough.
Did he send this all with a glance or a noise?
This all with a glance.
So with a glance, okay.
He's like, I diagnosed your problem two days ago.
Sight unseen.
You ignored me.
Now we both have learned something.
I've learned that you're an idiot, but that I'm right.
You have learned you're an idiot.
But he's a Christ-like character in many ways.
And I'm like, I should pay you for your time.
He's pointing at the footprints.
That's right.
He said, this is where I carried you.
This is where I carry you.
Yeah, Free Will and Franklin.
And I said, well, wait a minute.
Those look like my shoe prints.
You're not even wearing shoes.
And he was like, it's a technicality.
You want to do two of these in one day?
You want to be wrong twice?
I got all day.
And he got in his truck.
He was like, I don't want your money.
He got in his truck.
He went back to his auto parts store where he went back behind the counter and solved other people's problems.
Franklin of Nazareth.
Jesus Christ.
And these are the people that we lost...
Because they couldn't afford to live up there anymore.
People didn't have cars anymore.
They were all on Segways.
And so they turned it into a hot dog stand.
And these two guys, I don't know where they're living now.
I mean, they weren't old enough to stop.
They're probably building Harley-Davidson somewhere.
Oh, I hope so.
I hope they're doing something they enjoy.
I hope they're helping people.
Well, Adam Pranica did this to me.
He was like, I'm not going to fix your lawnmower.
Okay.
So I went.
It turns out the jets were fine.
Did you try cleaning the battery terminals?
I did all that.
Okay.
And the thing is, I've learned, right?
I took the spark plug out and looked at it.
I took everything apart while I was in there.
Yep.
It all looked fine.
So I put it back together.
Guess what?
It ran fine.
All it wanted was to be taken apart and put back together.
Oh, you know, that's so much like the UFOs.
You just did an UFO on there, right?
You just did the transport repair protocol.
Transfer repair protocol.
You take it down to nothing, right?
Greenfield, you come right back up.
Now everything's working.
It just needed a little reset.
Yeah, TTP protocol.
Now, a lot of times old stuff breaks because there's a seal, a secret seal you didn't know about that was actually holding the whole thing together, like Greg Brady's sedan.
You know, the rust is all holding it together.
But in this case, no, it was the corollary.
It just needed to be taken apart and put back together.
That's what Adam said.
He was like, sometimes you just take it apart and put it back together.
Is that what he said after the fact?
Yeah, he said it after the fact.
Thanks, buddy.
Super helpful.
And I was like, all right.
So then a lot more worked fine.
I got to reconnect with Adam.
I don't know what's happening to this kid.
The last time I turned the lawnmower on, it started to do this.
You think the carburation's too rich?
I think there's something like that.
I think it is.
I think the jets... Something to do with the jets.
Okay.
You know, it's like...
i don't know it's benny in the jets yeah it's uh you don't you know when you're jet you're always a jet from your first cigarette to your last dying day let me let me try and um just to explore a little more do you have a sense as much as you can say for infosec and opsec reasons what are the nature of the files that are on the anna banana computer that need to make it over onto the jason finn computer
is it the kind of thing that you could just is that a lot of stuff is it something you could put on a flash drive and just bring over are you looking for some kind of automation to ensure that the tiniest little dot file makes it over or is it really just a bunch of porn or something something you could put not porn but anything that could be mp3s you put that onto the dingus for the usb thing you pull it over and you don't have to worry so much about friend mode is that is that is that a thing you could try
Well, first of all, the Jason Finn computer just popped up a thing that says update Apple ID settings.
Some services will not be available until you sign in again.
And then it offers me view.
I can click view.
I can't click.
Who's asking for what for what reason?
What even does that mean?
Well, I have to click view because it's telling me to.
It's modal.
system preferences is bringing up anyway here we go it you know people give me usbs all the time i almost never plug them in that's good that's that's a best practice yeah i don't know what the hell they're trying i know from tv that that's how they get you you leave one of those in a parking lot where somebody's coming out with their grocery cart they pick it up they put it in now they're hacked
Yeah, right.
I don't want to get hacked.
No.
You lived through the 80s.
You know enough to put your USB into every port that comes along.
Yeah, any old port in a storm.
That's right.
Update Apple ID settings.
No, no, no.
How many files are we talking about?
Orders of magnitude.
How many files on a banana computer are we talking about?
Orders of magnitude.
Ten hundred thousand.
How many are we talking about?
Ten hundred thousand.
Ten hundred thousand files could easily fit on a USB.
So I should do that.
That didn't occur to me to do.
Well, it's a non-standard approach, but if it's mostly in a couple folders, you might could try that and just see how it goes.
I think that that is a good idea.
You know, what it is, is it's a lot of... It's a lot like cleaning the terminals, if you're honest.
Here's what it is.
It's a lot of... Wait a minute.
Now, I just signed in, and why does it still have a... Oh, no, John, you're going to get hacked.
Don't sign in.
Don't sign in.
Password to unlock this Mac.
Okay, that's a different one.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
And you're sure it's a Mac thing?
Well, the Apple is telling me.
Well, it looks like it.
Well, now it's saying update, but now it's not.
Have you been sticking any USBs in your port you don't know about?
Have you been shopping and picking up USBs?
You might have a virus worm or something like that.
Do you think that's a virus worm that's doing this?
I don't know.
I have no way of knowing.
It could be malware.
You could pick it up at the mall.
Oh, wait.
But it went away.
It figured itself out.
Would you consider trying this?
You get a USB.
They make them real big now, John.
You can get a real big USB.
Oh, I have a million of them.
I got them lying all over here.
Do you know if they're clean?
I don't know.
Okay.
Dave Bazan gave me one that had some songs on it.
Jonathan Colton gives them to me all the time that looked like him.
Was it shaped like anything?
Or did it look like Jonathan?
He's got a bespoke USB that looks like him.
He does.
Dave Bazan, I think, oh, well, Eric Anderson.
His looks like a red sweatshirt.
It does.
Eric Anderson gave me one that looks like a Swiss Army knife.
All right.
Anyway, that's a good idea.
What it usually is is it's garage band things.
You got your dot bands.
Yeah.
I got dot bands.
A dot band has many, many files inside of it.
It's really super interesting.
If you control click on a dot band file and it opens up, you know what it is?
It's just a bunch of folders with other stuff in it.
You can see your files.
You can see the actual audio files.
It's pretty cool.
It's got WAVs.
It's got WAVs, too.
WAVs is a high-quality format.
Yeah.
So it's got WAVs.
It's got data.
Okay, so you're looking to move some music around.
Yeah, moving music.
Oh, I think there's a very high chance that this could at least save some of your stuff from the Anna Banana computer.
You think it will be... I'm not saying to stop exploring friend mode.
I'm not saying to stop that.
I'm saying this is called parallel processing.
In this case, you try something else at the same time that you get in the Anna Banana computer to go into friend mode because you want it to be upgradable in the future.
Is that what parallel processing is?
I think so.
Yeah, it's pulling things onto a USB drive.
You know what I mean?
It's like grating the cheese while you're boiling the water.
You try to do two things.
There's no such thing as multitasking.
No, no.
We had that conversation today because Marlo's mom wanted to walk to school with us.
Okay.
And we usually walk to school by ourselves.
And it's sometimes frustrating.
I know about that.
You got your own way of doing things.
Yeah, it's frustrating because the next door neighbor girl, Kayla, her dad drives her to school in the minivans.
And we live, you know, she lives right across the street.
So, so my little girl says, why do we have to walk when Kayla drives?
And I said, the thing is that walking is the superior format.
You could have just said, because this is what we do.
Well, I think you'd like to explain a little bit.
I was like, I was like, we are people who walk.
That's right.
Kayla's trip to school is an MP3.
Our trip to school is a WAV.
Mm-hmm.
I totally agree.
It's so important.
And we do, we got a whole workflow.
Like when we go to here, we make a remark about how it smells.
You walk past the second, actually the house next to where Ling used to live.
You can see there's a cat in the window and we say hello to the cat.
There's a workflow to this.
I pick up the rubber bands by the mailbox.
There's a certain way you do this.
Guess what?
Guess what you don't get in a minivan?
Any of that.
Any of that.
No smell, no cat, no Ling, no Ling Ling.
No, no, no rubber band, no nothing.
Sometimes we meet Flo, who's out for her morning constitutional.
You're not going to meet Flo if you're in the minivan.
No.
A lot of things you're not going to get.
What are you going to do, wave?
Anyway, this morning, her mom wanted to walk with us.
She said, I don't have a meeting this morning.
Why don't I walk to school with you?
And the little baby in this story said, no.
Oh.
And I was like, what's that supposed to mean?
And she was like, well, it's not... She just... That's not what we do.
You don't walk to school with us, Mama.
Wow.
It's just us.
And I was like, guess who's coming to school with us this morning?
That Mama, because that's not how we... We don't treat people that way.
This is a minivan.
This is just... This is a little family walking together.
This is what we do.
That's right.
We walk together.
So we're walking to school.
This is this.
And she is...
She's telling me a story.
She's explaining to me something about how Tintin took a rocket ship to the moon.
Okay.
And I'm listening.
I'm listening to the story.
And her mom pulls out her phone and starts looking at it as we're walking.
Oh, no.
And so we get about halfway into the story about how Tintin went to the moon.
Yes.
Mom's looking at her phone.
We're walking down a little path that's got fallen leaves, a little brisk morning path.
And Marla says, I don't think that mom is listening to this story.
And I said, well, your mom is multitasking.
And her mom said, that's right.
I'm multitasking.
Okay.
And guess who doesn't think multitasking is a thing?
Mm-hmm.
You guessed it.
Papa John.
You know Papa John thinks multitasking is a thing.
Oh, incidentally, I was at a party the other day, kind of a corporate event, and they had a bunch of pizza there that was the worst pizza I had ever had in my whole life.
Don't say it.
I was like, this pizza is so disgusting.
I will eat any pizza.
I will eat lunchroom pizza.
I will eat truck stop pizza.
Don't say it.
I will eat any kind of pizza.
This pizza is – it's like I'm sucking on a battery.
It's like Szechuan pizza except it's not spicy.
It's giving me that taste around the corner of my mouth that's like I'm sucking on a copper ball.
I don't want this pizza.
I want not this pizza.
Oh, God, no.
Was it Papa John's?
And then I went over and I looked at it.
It was Papa John's.
Oh, God.
Did they still give you that jizz sauce with it?
They still give you a little cup of jizz with it?
I have no idea.
I would never have bought this.
You know, the Maga Bomber, the stripper down in Miami, he used to deliver for Papa John's.
He's a big fan of Papa John's.
He would take photos of all the Papa John's boxes because he was so proud of Maga Pizza.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
These people, they're monsters.
They have no taste.
It is garbage.
It's like, I mean, I know this is an old joke, but they just put sauce on one of the boxes.
It's really bad.
It's so bad.
I don't want to be whatever I'm being, because sometimes maybe that's all that's available.
Right?
Like, you know, you make fun of an Applebee's or a Ruby Tuesday's or an Olive Garden.
Hey, Applebee's is not bad.
See?
Ruby Tuesday's has got great rib tips.
Yeah.
I'm sure I told you the time we were in Alabama, Alabama, Tuscaloosa or whatever, and we were driving through and it was Sunday night and everything was closed.
The gas stations were closed.
They turned the streetlights off because it was Sunday and it was late at night and we were all starving and we had so many miles to go before we could sleep.
Oh, and we were just driving around.
They closed the McDonald's.
They closed everything because I don't know, because Jesus or because who knows, maybe they're rationing electricity.
And I'm like, sorry, dudes, I don't even think we can.
We can't.
We're down.
We're done.
We're going to die here.
And we came around a corner.
And there was a Ruby Tuesdays.
Ruby Tuesdays.
And I had never been into a Ruby Tuesday.
Is it freestanding or part of a mall?
No, it was freestanding.
It was freestanding Ruby Tuesdays out by the highway.
Oh, my God.
And it was, I think, like really near to Louisiana.
Okay.
And I said, Ruby Tuesdays is open.
Ruby Tuesdays.
Oh, my God.
Nobody in the van complained.
That'll get your mind right.
Because if I were to know you, you also haven't let them pee in a real long time.
No, no, no.
I haven't.
I wouldn't pull over to get Wi-Fi or Wi-Fi or anything.
I was just, come on, let's go.
We can do this.
So we pull into the Ruby Tuesdays.
We pile out.
We open up that front door and walk into the antechamber.
Uh-huh.
And Ruby Tuesdays is hopping.
Hopping.
And some like spunky little gal is like, hi, welcome to Ruby Tuesdays.
You know, come on in.
This is fucking Brigadoon.
And we're looking around.
Every table is taken.
People are laughing.
Whoa.
It's bright.
The music's jamming.
People are hustling.
Waitresses and waiters are hustling past.
And they're playing some jamming tunes.
Right.
And our spunky little gal seats us at a comfortable-sized table.
Oh, man.
And then a different person full of spunk comes over and is like, hi, welcome to Ruby Tuesdays.
Can I take your order?
And I was like, give me the whole thing, the platter, the big old Ruby Tuesdays special platter.
Oh, you get a flight.
Or like a sampler, like you get the tips and the tots and all this stuff?
I want the tips.
I want cornbread.
I want black-eyed peas.
I didn't even know you had this stuff.
A Ruby Tuesdays, I thought it was some kind of spaghetti place.
Yeah.
But it had everything.
It had a menu that was 40 pages long.
God, I love a story like that.
And that food showed up.
It's the best food.
You've totally realigned your expectations at this point.
I was like, this Ruby Tuesdays is the greatest place I've ever been.
Yeah.
And we had, oh, and we were having fun.
We were laughing with the people at the tables around us.
We ate all these foods.
And I was like, give me more Arnold Palmer.
And they were like, Arnold Palmer coming up.
Oh, man.
Serving you Arnold Palmer out of a pitcher.
That's the kind of place.
They knew people were going to want it.
Yeah, they were like, we make Arnold Palmer's back there.
We got a space.
This restaurant's so big, we got a space to put a pitcher of Arnold Palmer.
A dedicated bespoke Palmer pitcher filler.
Yep.
A Palmer pitcher, probably.
And I said, you know what?
I had a snobby attitude about Ruby Tuesdays.
And that snobby attitude probably extends to other things, including the state of Alabama and probably Louisiana.
And I've changed my whole story now.
That's all it takes.
All it takes is one little brigadoon and everything changes.
These people in here are having the times of their lives.
Greatest people.
The greatest people.
And I don't know how they vote politically.
And I don't know whether or not they believe in global warming.
But it doesn't matter tonight because we are having ribs.
Don't blame me.
I voted for rib tips.
So that solves that problem for me.
But I recognize that you can't multitask.
I think I'm going to do this.
I'm going to find one of these dongles.
I'm going to hope it doesn't have a virus on it.
A virus worm.
Probably doesn't.
They're probably fine.
It's probably fine.
I think Jonathan probably uses Windows, so you're probably good.
I'm going to put some stuff on there.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to schlep it over.
Try it.
Try it.
Do a test run.
Just try a test run.
But what I'm worried about now is that the Goog is going to get me up to a thing, and then they're going to be like, oh, now you've got to upgrade.
Oh, here we go.
Click your desired eel.
Yeah.
You said that you wanted us to put all this stuff on, and we did.
Yeah.
So it just took up 100 gigawatts.
Yep.
And you need to.
You need the 50-chigger bite program.
Yeah.
You need to now pay us.
Mm-hmm.
$30 a month.
Do you do that in Bitcoin, John?
How do you do that?
Okay, now here's a question.
I've got two computers now.
Can I have them mining Bitcoins?
Revenue stream, yes, I think so.
It'll be super slow, but you'll eventually get a coin, I think.
Can I have the Anna Banana computer just running for Bitcoins on the side?
Shit dog, it's your computer.
You can have it mine rib tips.
What if I get the big quad core quad?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And then I keep these two like in a different room, put them up on a rack, put them on a rack and they have, and I'll put things on the screen that look like it's like computing some big time, like all like flashing green lights and numbers flying around.
Yeah.
Numbers flying and stuff where it's just like, so if anybody peers in that room, they're like, what the,
fuck is going on in there it's like don't look at he's mining coin but then like running behind it it'll be like running coin yeah running coin your electric bill will go up substantially but you know but you might get a coin out of it what if i get a coin i could i could have bought i could that could pay for the new computer you could reinvest it man i'm glad you got all that worked out
Me too.
Thank God.
Well, I, you know, thank you for your help.
I just, I'll do anything I can to help.
I'm just, you can talk about Anna Banana sometime.