Ep. 202: "The Anchorman"
This episode of Roderick on the Line is brought to you in part by Braintree, code for easy online payments.
Learn more right now by visiting braintreepayments.com slash supertrain.
And by Squarespace.
Start building your website today at squarespace.com.
No credit card required.
Enter the offer code supertrain at checkout to get 10% off Squarespace.
Squarespace.
Hello.
Hi, John.
Beep, boop, boop.
Oh, my sinuses are a wreck.
What happened to your sinuses?
You know what happened to my sinuses.
Are you using them for something that they're not authorized for?
It depends who's doing the authorizing.
The great Mr. Robert Evans would say I was using them just for what they're intended.
uh was i in air conditioning this weekend you bet your ass i was yeah you traveled and then i was on a fart tube twice so i'm just you know thanking my lucky stars that so far i'm not sick oh my god two fart tubes and uh and two nights in a hotel yeah i don't know if you know i was in witness protection for a couple nights
Could have been the worst.
I don't suppose you touch the TV remote without a bag on it.
How's it going?
Good.
You know, I feel like today is one of those jam up days.
Oh, yeah?
The whole way in, it was just everything was a jam up.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
You were here early.
Well, yeah, but I mean, it wasn't like none of it was a terrible jam up, but it just had that vibe.
Of like, oh, everything's going to be a jam.
I hate the jam.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
It's like you have an idea about how this should go.
But like a great U-Haul truck, existence has put a governor on your life.
And you're not allowed to go quite at the propulsive velocity that you need to make this thing go.
That's exactly right.
Isn't that kind of the feeling?
You're thinking, you know what, I've gotten enough, I've broken inertia enough to get in motion, and now I just need to keep moving.
Just keep moving, and that's... There are jam-up days where I'm the jam-up
I don't think that's the problem today.
Is that right?
Yeah.
The jam up days where I'm the jam up are like, where are my keys?
Where are my glasses?
What is going on?
Yeah.
Stub your toe.
Let's get a spider in your mouth.
You know, where you're like, what the?
I've only been awake in like 10 minutes.
I've got a spider in my mouth already.
Stub my toe.
Why am I bleeding?
Why is there blood on?
There shouldn't be blood this early.
This is a jam up.
This is a jam up.
But today it was one of these jam ups where I'm on a two lane road.
I'm sorry, four lane road.
Two lanes in each direction.
Two cars driving side by side.
40 miles an hour on a 45-mile-an-hour road.
Thanks a million, Romulus and Remus.
That helps everybody.
Everybody behind is trying to pick which one of these people is like the oblivious dope that never looks in their rearview mirror and is just going to be going 40 miles an hour the rest of the day no matter what.
And which one of these people is like the inconsiderate
but knowledgeable person who's driving 40 miles an hour because they're looking at their phone or they've got, you know, and then at some point they're going to become aware and then potentially could speed up or get out of the way.
You know what I'm saying?
Because one of those people...
This is an interesting thought experiment, because one of those people, and this is a Heisenberg-type situation, we don't know which it is, but for now, in this experiment, all we know is that one of those people is dangerous in a way, in that they are inept...
Or they're being a little ignorant.
But then, eventually, in the fullness of time, we'll learn that one of those people is a truly, truly horrible monster.
Because they think they're helping.
I used to call it playing traffic cop.
that that's what's happening in this situation and so you know there's it stacks up right five six people now behind these two cars and every person you can see them and i'm i'm hanging back right because i'm like look i i got no dog in this race i'm just puttering along if i if i get to if i'm just going 40 all the way into the office i'm still going to be on time everything's fine so i'm hanging back i'm looking i'm
I'm scoping, right?
Five, six cars pile up behind this little two-person clusterfuck.
So I'll give you all the evidence because it's very confusing evidence for a group of drivers.
The right-hand car is a lipstick-colored Toyota Tercel.
Call it a 2001 Tercel, but it's like peach lipstick.
All right.
Okay.
You got that in your mind?
Yeah.
Which is that right lane or left lane?
That's right lane.
Okay.
Left lane is a taxi.
But it's a minivan taxi and the entire back window is covered with stickers of various taxi authorization.
I mean, the guy can't even you can't even see who's in it because it's got there's a bunch of Jim Jam on the back of the window.
So which one are you going to stack up behind?
Which one do you think is the like just the slow moving ding-a-ling?
It's never going to look in the rearview mirrors.
Or which one is the one that's like, I'm just checking my phone and then I'm going to step on it.
when I see that I have created a problem.
And they're side-by-side long enough that you can't immediately, in this thought experiment, pick out who is who.
Oh, we've been going three, we've gone three miles.
Oh, dear.
Now, with these two just, you know, just side-by-side by Sondheim.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And so...
What happens behind them?
Go ahead.
All I was going to say was, in disclosure, I feel a little bit like I'm going up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Because I think this might be a little bit of a turns out or a double turns out.
See, my feeling just from what you described before you got to the part about the Jim Jam on the taxi window is I was pretty sure that the lipstick...
was the mere ding-a-ling, maybe had his or her reasons.
And then I was thinking, whoever's going to be in the left lane is clearly the dick, because the dick chooses the left lane and plays traffic cop.
But, now this is where you go up against the Sicilian, is now I'm thinking, well, that's interesting, because that person's livelihood is on the line by how quickly they get from here to there.
But, I'm going to triple turns out it and say, I'm going to guess the taxi person was the ding-a-ling, the true Uber ding-a-ling.
The true, like...
The blight on society.
Oblivious rather than checking the phone.
Yeah, like willful dumb fuckery.
Like, this is my lane.
It's like the people on public transit who act like seats were reserved for them.
Mm-hmm.
Like people who don't know how to be around other people, people who don't know how to wait in a line, people who think that wherever they go, they have a four-foot diameter bubble that should give them... That's a universe.
That's a contained universe.
It's their own personal public cosmology.
Yeah.
Well...
So what happens is the other traffic that's now like, you know, eddying behind this log jam, they all make kind of, they make the first determination like you initially did, which is lipstick-colored Tercel has got to be some kind of oblivious mom, some sort of somebody that's just never going to, that's not aware of their surroundings.
But couldn't it also be, let's be a little big hearted.
That's not a recent car.
Maybe that's somebody who's worried they're going to be running out of gas.
Maybe they accidentally took the wrong vitamins and now they're all hopped up on goofballs.
It's a clean car and it's moving very reliably and steadily.
There's no weaving.
Oh, did you get a sense of the age of the lipstick driver?
I don't want to be ageist.
Can't see anything.
Okay, that reads a little bit as retiree.
Can't see anything in either direction.
So everybody's trying to make this decision themselves.
This is going to be taught in colleges for years, by the way.
Every single person lines up behind the cab.
Because they figured that's where the hole's going to open.
The hole's going to open behind the cab, right?
The cab's going to figure it out.
The cab's going to get a call.
The cab is going to step on the gas.
The cab is where the opening's going to happen.
And as happens so often in these situations, just the mere pressure... I'm not even sure the cabbie looked behind...
But just the pressure of six people piling up behind you sometimes will have the effect of pushing the obstruction, just pushing the...
Pushing the Lemmy wings.
Oh, it's the opposite of drafting.
With drafting, you're on your cutter bike pretending to be Italian riding behind a truck getting a draft.
If I understand what you're saying here, I don't know the laws of thermodynamics, but I think what you're saying is that you get enough cars behind and it produces a forward draft that should let that person know it's time to step aside.
That's right.
We call it a push draft.
Push draft.
Okay.
So the cab starts to move.
And you can feel everyone behind rejoice like, here we go.
We made the right call, A. Cab's starting to move, B. This whole thing's going to open up.
I'm going to be going 55 miles an hour here.
They've got their GMT watches and they're setting the bezel.
And it's coming.
Right?
They've got another 30 seconds to wait in this long jam.
And as they go by the lipstick car, they're all going to look down into the car.
And whatever their suspicion is will be confirmed about that person.
It's either going to be an old lady or it's going to be some college student with anti-reflection sunglasses or whatever it's going to be.
The cab pulls ahead, pulls ahead.
A brown, like, Ford Probe.
is first in line, slots into the space, the cab moves ahead, and now almost the probe is ready to make the move.
Here's the lipstick car is holding very constant speed.
It's very exciting how reliably that lipstick Tercel is maintaining 40 miles an hour exactly.
The cab finally clears the line where the probe moves,
can pop over, the probe pops over and immediately stops accelerating.
So the probe.
Was that a revenge pass?
The probe cleared the gap and then pulled up.
And now the probe is going the same speed as the cab.
And they are neck and neck.
And with the lipstick car now behind the probe.
Oh, my goodness.
I'd never seen anything like that.
They've nearly swollen their ranks at this point.
Yeah, yeah.
The probe was like pushing, pushing, pushing.
Like, let me through, let me through, let me through.
And then got through.
And as soon as the probe had the open space, the wide open American space in front of his headlights...
He was satisfied.
He'd gotten all he needed.
I've seen this.
I've seen this happen.
And then, oh my goodness, the now six, seven cars that had been patiently waiting to thread that needle.
Wow.
Can you imagine?
So I was super glad to be hanging back as a passive observer.
But then the entire rest of the way in,
To town it was just one person after another was trading it was like there was a baton of stupid And they were just passing this baton of stupid back and forth and I got into the office.
It was like Happy to be here happy to be here.
That was kind of unsatisfying.
I Yeah, one thing about a baton of stupid is Dropping it doesn't mean you've lost or won.
It just means you're still stupid
oh right the race does not stop because you've dropped the baton that's the nature of the baton of stupid race if you touch it then the stupid is imparted to you and you can't get it's not just like it's not just like uh magic cards thrown out of your sleeves and you're just trying to flip them away he can't get rid of those cards he keeps producing fans john roderick you got to tell me what happened with the heisenberg hat so what was what was was it was it a self-driving lipstick car
Oh, no.
So by the time I got around the lipstick car, I mean, it was a 45-year-old Asian woman.
Oh.
I'll cut that out.
Presented without comment.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Anyway, glad you made it in.
Sorry there couldn't be more push drafts.
You know what?
I've done that.
I've done the revenge pass, and I'm not proud of it.
I used to be a small person, and I would do a revenge pass.
Yeah, any more.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Yeah.
I'm going down I-75.
Somebody's not driving to my satisfaction.
I go past them.
I get in front of them.
And then I go one mile an hour slower than they were going.
That's terrible.
It's the worst.
What was I attempting to solve with that?
Uh, yeah, I know.
A guy did that to me the other day where I was, I'm trying to thread a needle, right?
Or it's like somebody in the left lane decides to put on their turn signal.
just as they slam on their brakes to make a left turn you know it's one of those people that's just like oh i just want you to i want your tires to go flat you because everybody behind you is trying to figure something out and then you're like i'm turning and so i am already in the right lane i'm not affected by this person
But behind them is one of those Dodge jacked up 2600s with giant coal burning pipes.
And the guy in the truck is bald with sunglasses on the back of his head.
I've seen that guy.
I've seen that guy.
And if he's not a member of the NRA, then his dad was.
I bet he's wearing short pants, John.
He's got short pants on for sure.
And he thinks... Does he have a goatee, John?
He does.
He exactly has a goatee.
He's got some glasses that he might have one pair on his nose to cover his eyes.
He's got another on the back of his neck.
He's got another on a pair of croquis.
That's right.
That's right.
And, you know, like a don't tread on me flag somewhere.
That's right.
And he thinks that he's going to just...
Not change his forward momentum at all except to just weave over into the right lane real fast.
Even though his truck is 45 feet long, he's just going to weave over there real fast and then weave back.
But I'm already in that space.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just traveling at a constant speed.
But I'm in that space already.
And so he's got a slam on his brakes, but now it's my fault somehow.
You can see it in the way, you can see it in his head, Bob, as I go past him.
I'm not looking at him, but I can see his little tantrum because it didn't work out the way he planned.
That guy's whole life is a jam-up.
It's a fucking jam-up.
You can tell.
Yeah, he hasn't been satisfied with anything in years.
All the Metamucil in the world is not going to clean this guy out.
So I'm driving along, minding my own business, and a minute later, here he comes by me.
Just hauling ass by me, pulls over in front of me, and slams on his brakes.
And he pulled over right in front of me so that I didn't, so that I had to, I had to break, you know, I didn't even have the option of like not affected by you, you know, go ahead and do your, do your dumb thing.
Or like if I had, if I had anticipated it right, just as he pulled over in front of me, I could have weaved him.
Like I could have, I could have dodged him, bobbed and weaved, but I didn't, I was just driving along, just looking at the birds and,
And so he got me with that.
I was punished.
I was punished for having been some dummy in his way.
His life is probably filled with dummies that he is aware need to be fixed.
And then he's constantly discovering new dummies.
I'm not sure we're doing anything entirely different, except I think we're in the right.
oh for sure well because we have a podcast we got a podcast we understand the importance you see see this isn't such a this is the original Roderick on the line discussion but it is it is shot through everything that we do today is keep moving and get out of the way like it's not a bit it's a it is it is literally a way of life and I mean I think a lot of people they like that it's catchy it's it's become America's favorite catchphrase but I think what people forget I want to point out two things that let's just review a little bit if you don't mind
No, no, no.
Go back.
Number one, I want you to really remember it's keep moving and get out of the way.
And get out of the way.
Okay, so if you're at the real novice level of this, if you just understanding that you should keep moving or get out of the way is not bad, but that you have not really reached the boss level yet.
Like we're talking about what you need to be doing is you need to keep moving and get out of the way.
Mm-hmm.
Now, here's the other thing I want you to understand.
You're not being mean when you're keeping moving and keeping getting out of the way, moving out of the way.
You're helping people.
You're helping people.
If we all found a way to do both of those things all the time, everything would get better.
Everybody would be helping everybody.
You know, if every libertarian who nominally agrees with that statement in the way that they do everything they do, if every libertarian would actually adopt, keep moving and get out of the way, I think they would have more credibility.
Well, they'd be moving for one, and they'd be out of my way for another.
See?
It helps everybody.
I do feel like, you know, we talk a lot about how we are trying to help people on this program, but what we're really trying to do is empower people to help people.
Oh, you're right.
We're training the trainers.
That's exactly right.
We are helping people help people, and one of the ways, one of the prime ways is, well, the prime way, obviously, is hashtag super trained, but one of the prime ways is
Teaching people to teach people to keep moving and get out of the way.
Yeah, it's kind of like the world's least financially successful pyramid scheme.
No, that's Alcoholics Anonymous.
This episode of Roderick on the Line is brought to you in part by Braintree.
Looking to set up payments for your business?
Braintree gives your app or website a single payment solution that accepts just about every payment method with one simple integration.
It's that easy.
Plus, Braintree will give you the first $50,000 in transactions fee-free to learn more
Visit braintreepayments.com slash supertrain.
So maybe you're working on the next Uber, next Airbnb, next GitHub.
Hey, why not use the same simple payment solution that helped those companies become what they are today?
Braintree makes mobile payments so fast, so easy, and so seamless, it's almost magical.
You add it to your app with just a very few lines of code, and you're instantly ready to accept Apple Pay, Android Pay, PayPal, Venmo, credit cards, even Bitcoin.
And if some other way to pay comes along, you can bet Braintree will be there to support that too.
Braintree's fast payouts and continuous support mean you'll always be ready whether you're earning your first dollar or your billionth.
See fewer abandoned carts and more sales with Braintree's best-in-class mobile checkout experience.
You've got to see this for yourselves.
Please check out BraintreePayments.com slash SuperTrain.
Remember...
You're going to get that first $50,000 in transactions, fee-free, full-stack payment solution, support for all payment types, single integration, a few lines of code.
Come on, people.
BraintreePayments.com slash SuperTrain.
Our thanks to Braintree for supporting Roderick Online.
But, um...
Make money stuffing envelopes.
Ask me how.
Hi, John.
The problem with keep moving and get out of the way as a teaching strategy is that you want to, this is what's the most frustrating about it.
You want it.
You want other people to learn, by example.
You want to show them, hey, look, here I go.
I'm out of your way and still moving.
But people refuse to learn.
If they are already in the way, then they are presumably not watching to see a better way.
And so this is why I feel like it should be part of the driver's exam.
It should be part of the ongoing education process.
of everybody because it gets to something really important.
And it has something to do with what you described earlier about having a jam up day and a push draft with a little bit of baton of stupid thrown in, which is there are people who are constantly seeking redress for something that happened in the past.
And that is being acted out in how they drive 40 fucking miles per hour in the passing lane.
It's not the fast lane, you guys.
It's the passing lane.
You don't hang out there.
Don't eat your lunch.
No, you're not being fast.
No, don't snap your chat.
You move.
Keep moving.
Right?
But I think this is the thing.
And if any of these people behaved, and some of them probably do behave this way, but if they behaved in the execrable way that they are behaving in their automobile on John's Road, if they behave that way in line at a target, can you imagine?
Well, they'd get eaten alive, wouldn't they?
I hope so.
Hope to shout.
My goodness.
Their bones would be spit out into the parking lot.
I feel like...
This is, I mean, back to the UFOs.
I don't want to recapitulate every single one of our projects.
I think if we only do it every few episodes, people will get comfortable with it and it won't seem as jarring.
And we'll be in that sweet spot between eye-rolling and oh my God.
But, so, you know, don't you, that Hillary Clinton has promised, if elected...
She may have said when elected, but let's say if elected, Hillary is going to get to the bottom of Area 51.
It's my understanding.
I don't remember the exact quote, but it's my understanding that in addressing the UFO people, she not only she didn't do her usual.
Yes, I enjoy Earth sports.
Ha ha ha.
Name of game.
She actually used like an UFO community like term of art.
Hmm.
Isn't that right?
She didn't even say UFO.
Isn't there like a new word for like the chemtrail insiders with UFOs?
What's the new term?
Well, let's not talk about it here.
All right.
But you know what I'm saying?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I remember correctly, when asked about this, she did not hesitate.
She answered alarmingly, in an alarmingly forthright way, and actually threw in a little bit of inside language.
She used the hanky code for UFO people.
Let me go one better with...
I think Hillary started talking about it without being asked.
Prompted the discussion.
There wasn't even a chuckle.
No, no, no, no.
She was not mollifying some kook by using their inside language.
She was outing herself as an UFO person, like an UFO truther.
She's an UFO truther.
And she said, when elected, I will...
And then just, you know, went down a list of dog whistles for UFO people.
And all across America, there was an UFO quake where all these people came up.
They turned their shortwave radios off and ran up into the light and said, finally.
But she's dead serious.
And it caused me to reflect on the fact that her husband was president for eight years.
You would think if she cared about it this much that they would have had the opportunity to
But if you're married to Bill Clinton and you got to keep it civil, you're going to want to have just a whole bunch of things you don't talk about.
And you would be think how wonderful it would be to have something you could talk about with your husband, the president that wasn't about him donking somebody.
And maybe maybe she brings it up at dinner one night.
Maybe things are getting a little chilly.
And she's like, so what's the deal with that thing?
And he he wants to mollify her by saying, oh, yes.
Well, you know, I can't say too much, obviously, because I'm the president and stuff.
Right.
Right.
Is this where you're going with this?
Like she must she must she must have had some briefings.
Things have happened.
He got he got awakened in the middle of the night because something that was happening in Arizona or whatever.
He's had some briefings.
You know he's had some briefings.
He's been down to see, what's his name, Bing Bong?
What's his name?
Gleep Glorp.
Has he seen Gleep Glorp?
No.
He's seen where Gleep Glorp is kept.
If he wanted to know the answers about Gleep Glorp, he would have... Is it Gleep Glorp or Gleep Glorp?
It's Gleep Glorp.
Before the chemtrails, I used to remember things better.
The thing is, it's not just Gleep Glorp.
I'm sure there's a Gleep Glorp, too.
So let's talk about him.
Gleep Glorp.
He's the one.
Oh, I see.
This is how Bill Wyman is the first Rolling Stone you meet, right?
They're not going to take you straight to Gleep Glorp.
Well, here's the thing.
Gleep Glorp is a more gaseous wraith kind of character.
You do not want to meet him first.
You want to meet this little guy who looks like something you buy for your kid at Six Flags.
Yeah, Gleep Glorp.
Hello.
Pleased to meet you, Earth President.
He's the bartender, right?
Glid Glorp is the one in the back room.
But my sense of what Hillary is saying... He's the eldritch character that is contained in a very special facility.
Well, the thing is, in alien nomenclature, right, Gleep is the patronymic.
Is that the phylum?
What is that?
Or is that the kingdom?
They're all Gleep.
It's like in Korea.
They're all Kim.
Kim's all the way down.
Yeah, but then their last name is their first name.
It's that type of thing.
I got it.
But my sense of what Hillary was saying is that her husband, former President Clinton, was...
wasn't that interested.
And so they gave him the briefing.
But, you know, president gets a lot of briefings.
They were like, oh, Mr. President, you know, come into this room.
We're going to talk for a minute about Gleep Glop and Gleep Glorp.
And the president was like, yes, well, interesting.
Thanks for the heads up.
He basically appears interested in things for a living.
That's a president's job.
And he was more interested at that point in time in juicing the economy with his vaguely neoliberal policies.
Yeah.
And he was not interested in getting to the bottom of the one world government that lives beneath the polarized caps.
Right.
And that I think you can just tell, right?
That's a press conference he didn't want to have.
Yeah.
You just tell by looking at the guy.
Is this guy interested in getting to the bottom of the one world government controlled by UFOs?
No.
No.
but his wife is, and she was biding her time, potentially biding her time this whole time, to get into that hot seat.
And I think if you look at the other candidates for president, all of them, if we go all the way back a year ago, look at all those candidates for president,
And then you apply the transparency of who is going to get to the bottom, who's going to go to Area 51, go down the 44 flights of elevator into the salt cavern, and actually face-to-face talk with Kleep Klopp.
Yeah.
and Gleep Glorp.
Talk to Gleep Glorp, get a drink.
You don't talk to Gleep Glorp, you interact with Gleep Glorp.
Talk to Gleep Glorp, get a drink, go through the curtains, and then Gleep Glorp pretends to be... He pretends to be your father, and he talks to you in a fatherly voice.
like a contact thing you can understand i bet this is why ted cruz was so i don't want to go with the obvious here but i mean he's obviously an alien meatbag just just from the perspiration i i bet this is you know oh lady doth protest too much like he's not gonna want to go i'm not gonna go busy with bleep glop because because that's you know little on the nose because what if we go goes oh bleep glonk i finally met you are finally here right and then then sticks a little hose into him and sucks all the meat out of him and then he's just a bag of skin
So I'm very excited about this as a UFO truther because our chances have improved at least about somebody reopening Project Blue Book and saying, this can't all have been swamp gas.
Let's get to the bottom of this again.
It's like the Kennedy assassination.
We've gotten to the bottom of it already 14 times.
Did that happen in a car, John?
I'm going to pause here.
Let's take this whole discussion out of the thing later.
That right there?
All of it.
Oh, because this is too sensitive.
This is too sensitive stuff.
But I'm laying the groundwork with you to be able to talk about this later.
Because my sense is that when this all goes down and when the UFOs say, okay,
The jig is up, right?
We've been designing Frozen dolls for a long time, right?
We've been making a lot of movies about UFOs because the UFOs control Hollywood.
Children like ice and singing.
Look at big, big eyes on dolls.
The eyes just keep getting bigger, don't they?
Very pretty, very pretty.
Big eyes, very pretty.
When that – all of this is laying the groundwork, right, for the big reveal.
One day it's going to be like, oh, and they're not going to do it like, oh, they've been here all along.
We were just kidding.
It's going to be – the big reveal is going to be like, we never knew about them before, but here they finally are.
Like they did finally arrive.
Maybe they've been here poking farmers in the butt a little bit.
But we weren't – the government wasn't aware of it.
We weren't aware of it.
Remember all those times that the Air Force was like, we saw something on the radar, but we never found it, so it couldn't have existed.
The Air Force was duped to...
The UFOs are finally here and it's going to be a big surprise.
All the kids are going to welcome them because they're going to look like frozen dolls.
Yeah.
But so when this happens, right, how do you picture it happening?
What's the first, what happens that first moment when you're like, what?
The aliens are real?
Like what's, what's, what's your first, you wake up that day, you wake up Tuesday morning.
What happens?
What's the first thing that happens?
So you're saying, but let me get this clear, and we're going to cut all this out anyway.
But for example, they go, hey, you know what, guess what?
It turns out there is a certain kind of moisture on Mars that shows us that it is far from impossible that there's some kind of life there.
But like, you know what, you feed them a little bit at a time, a little bit at a time, a little bit at a time, right?
And when we say life on Mars, like who knows, it's not going to be a biped, right?
It's going to be something closer to like what we think of on Earth as bacteria probably, right?
Sure, it's a mold.
But yeah, that's the kind of thing you're talking about.
Historically, you dribble that out a little bit, notwithstanding the butt probes.
You dribble that out a little bit.
You're saying on this day, incontrovertibly, like nobody in the White House is denying that we've definitely,
Got an alien.
Let's call it that they don't necessarily need to be bipedal, but let's say that it's the day that intelligent life is revealed.
Incontrovertibly.
Well, I mean for most people.
They are here and they are queer by any definition.
Now part three begins.
We've got to get used to it.
Get used to it.
Get used to it.
How is that revealed to you on that day?
If it's a jam-up, I think it begins, it's got to be a little bit Planet of the Apes, like that thing gets discovered in isolation, and it allows them to have plausible deniability for all the things they've been covering up for hundreds of years.
So you're saying that they find an obelisk?
It might be an obelisk, or it might be like a Gleep Glop's little kid's toy.
They find something, but I guess that doesn't prove it.
You're saying there's an incontrovertible, you're saying Tucker Carlson can actually talk to an alien on the TV.
Yeah, my suspicion is that the way it has to happen is the way that it happens fairly often in movies.
Because the way it happens in movies, right?
These movies are produced by ufos who are walking around in They Live style face masks in Hollywood, interacting with Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Yeah.
I mean, come on.
Rowdy Roddy Piper is in a movie, really?
I mean, let's really think about that for a minute.
Yeah.
You know who's executive producing a lot of those films?
A lot of John Carpenter movies writ large?
You're not going to find out for years.
Years.
There's an executive producing credit that has been left off of life.
Gleep glop.
Let's just say what it is.
He probably uses a pseudonym like Mick and Keith.
What happens in a lot of those films?
everybody wakes up one morning and there's a giant spaceship hovering over every major city.
You don't want a giant spaceship just hovering over St.
Louis, Missouri.
You're talking about an Independence Day or a District 9.
There's a giant flying saucer looming over a metropolis.
Yeah, and even – this is the thing.
It's usually a giant flying saucer in those films, and I think that's probably – and I think that's the Hollywood ufos sort of overselling it a little bit because really if it was just – No, forget it.
If it was just like a four-passenger one, it was a tiny little spaceship, it would still have the same effect.
It's so much more plausible if we learn that –
Six percent of what we previously thought were mosquitoes are actually alien vessels.
That makes so much more sense where they would come in and go, here's something we can get away with.
But you're talking about basically like, you know, taking a battleship into the middle of Manhattan.
Like, who's going to do that?
That seems like anybody's going to know, even or especially, especially UFOs.
They're going to know that that's going to put people off their beer a little bit.
If we can revisit a story I told a long, long time ago where during a certain part of my life I believed that if the UFOs wanted to camouflage themselves, they would do it by turning their spaceships into 727s.
Yeah.
Now, of course, there aren't any 727s anymore.
So that would seem weird if they just showed up at the airport.
Right?
Yeah.
I mean, a certain number of train spotters would be like, wait a minute.
What the hell?
Where are these 727s coming from?
But if they... With Pan Am on the tail.
We are definitely a plane.
Hello, fellow Earth pilots.
I mean, pilots.
But if they were 737s, right, there's 737s everywhere.
Look out your window right now, you'll see a 737.
I can see two from here, deleting chemtrails.
So if there was, you bet you're boopy they are.
But if a 737, let's say there's 737 on approach to every major airport in the country and it just stops moving forward and just goes into a hover.
That would send a powerful message to everybody because everywhere you went, you could look up and there would be a 737 just not moving.
That would be powerful evidence of something.
And that would be a great way to say, ding dong.
Who's at the door?
Oh, hello.
It's Kleep Glop.
Yeah.
Here with some tasty earth drinks.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
The next thing that happens, right, because everybody's looking up at the 737s.
Maybe you could bring like a four loco because that's kind of hard to get, right?
Sure.
Or the old style four locos.
That's what I mean.
Yeah.
You can't even get these anymore.
Because it makes people insane.
And they'd be like, oh, my God, that's so cool.
I love the aliens.
Well, but everyone's looking up.
The 737 is a very familiar shape.
So the only thing that's weird right now is that they aren't moving.
Yeah.
And I'm not saying every 737.
Lots of them are still taking off and landing.
Yeah.
It's just one outside of every airport just hovering.
So unclear what's going on, but this is priming the pump all around the world.
This is happening in Mumbai.
It's happening in Abbottabad.
Everywhere.
Then they come on the airwaves.
Okay.
All right.
Right.
And not everybody has terrestrial talent.
This is happening pretty quickly because my concern here, I'm keeping mum about this.
My concern is if the 737s, if they start hanging in midair and there's time to speculate, there's going to be a lot of lunatics who don't understand that those are probably UFOs.
They're going to come up with all kinds of crazy theories.
It seems like they've got to get depressed pretty quick.
Glee Club's got to get on the horn and start talking to everybody.
Hello, I bring you cancer treatment or something.
Well, first, the Air Force sends up their jets, but they realize that their jets are not very useful because the 737s are immobile, right?
So they're flying around them in F-16s, but that's not working.
Oh, see, our Earth planes can't hover.
Right.
That's part of the problem.
So if it starts going 700 miles an hour, we're good to go.
But if they're just hanging out over Richmond, Virginia, we don't want to be buzzing and strafing.
Sure.
So they send up helicopters or Ospreys or whatever their current... Like a Harrier, John?
But a Harrier is going to use a lot of gas really fast.
They send up some Apaches, let's say.
some cobras and the helicopters are flying around them but there's no this is the thing about an immobile 737 it's no threat to anybody there's no weaponry on it yeah it's maybe it's full of people so your health i can't communicate with it right
And they don't want to just flat out attack it because you could have a bunch of babies on there.
Yeah, you can't shoot it down.
It's an airliner.
All right, all right.
So the helicopter's flying around.
They're trying to look in the windows.
They can't.
It's like, what the hell?
But, you know, you can't take an aggressive stance.
And all the conspiracy theorists, you bet they're online saying what they think it is.
It's a cross-temporal reality.
Muslims.
Could be Muslims.
So you let everybody stew for a day.
And then they come on the air.
And...
And what happens when they come on the air?
They're broadcasting.
It's on the internet, but it's also on televisions all around the world.
And it's the alien spokesperson who is me.
Oh, the emissary.
The emissary.
They've contacted me.
So you said, greetings, Earth.
Hello.
You might be familiar with my podcast.
Hello, Earth.
I am a friendly...
uh, fellow earthling.
My voice is being, uh, simultaneously translated into all the languages of the world.
So I, it's definitely not weird.
So I appear to be speaking to you in Farsi or, you know, in Tagalog, but, uh, but I am just a, you know, I'm just an American.
Uh, and the reason they chose me is just that I was the obvious choice.
They're monitoring all human beings and, uh, they picked the one that would be best at this job.
Uh,
And so I'm here to put a human face on this experience.
Now, I'm not here to advocate for them or put a human face on the UFOs because I'm as curious as you.
But I'm here to moderate the experience.
I am the, let's call me the anchor man.
And in future generations, like a thousand years from now, that's how I'll be remembered, right?
Oh, he was the original anchor man.
The anchor man.
Well, they won't, there won't ever be.
Oh, you'll be the anchor man.
It's like Madonna.
Oh, I see.
You got a mononym.
Yeah, the anchor man.
Yeah, Anchorman.
And actually, this is a fucking tremendous screenplay that I'm laying out for you right now.
I've got some notes for you, but yeah, let's keep going.
The Anchorman.
The Anchorman.
And I'm just having the experience in real time, along with everybody else, like, let's lay out what we know so far.
I'm on TV, so that right there is pretty exceptional.
This is an unusual day.
And it's not, in the usual sense, a reality show.
So the fact that most people have no idea who you are won't seem weird.
Yeah, I mean, it already seems weird that I'm speaking Tagalog.
And there are 737s hovering above all major cities.
So I'm going to jump ahead and say this is a phenomenon that I bet has to do with UFOs.
And then as it unfolds, I would just be walking everybody through it.
And at that point, I'd be throwing in some keep moving and get out of the way science on people.
Okay, yeah.
Right?
Because they won't let us teach it in the DMVs, but this would be the moment.
This would be the moment that I could also be interjecting some life science into the whole experience for people.
So it's like we're going to be dealing with a whole new reality, planes hovering in the air, dogs and cats sleeping together.
And one great way to do that would be to learn this simple tool, keep moving, and get out of the way.
So we really only need a couple things to change or happen.
I mean, you know, primarily, well, three that I'm aware of.
We need for UFO.
That's such an ugly word.
I know.
But we need for UFOs to exist.
We need for them to contact and groom you.
And then we need for them to come to Earth in old planes and hover and then introduce you.
This is the route to keep moving and get out of the way.
I feel like this is a better way to get the word out than to just, you know, populate podcasts with it.
Because there are a lot more people.
I mean, people are listening to podcasts more and more.
But there are a lot more people in various places that are searching the skies.
Yeah, you'd have to be on Serial for people to hear it.
Yeah, right, right.
Or this podcast would have to be about a murder.
Oh, sure.
Ting, ting.
We could make this podcast about a murder.
There's a variety of ways we could do that.
But no, I do feel like some, I mean, they're already communicating with me.
And they've already chosen me, right?
So that, and they're already here.
So all they need to do is do the next step, which they're planning on doing, which is the big reveal.
When Hillary Clinton is president, she's going to go down in the elevator.
She's going to meet Gleep Glorp.
He's going to say, all right, we're ready.
First, she'll meet Gleep Glorp.
She'll meet Gleep Glorp, but she's going to say, show me your credentials.
He's going to hand her a fizzy drink.
She's like, right, you're the bartender.
So when she first meets Gleep Glorp, she's going to go, hey, guys, quit fucking around.
Like, show me the real deal.
Well, maybe not.
I mean, the first alien you meet, you're going to be pretty impressed.
And you're going to be like, of course you're the president.
Right.
Because no one ever thinks, oh, no, the first person you meet at the door is the doorman.
Right.
So it's like she gets she goes down.
The Air Force generals are all standing around.
They're like, this is Gleep Glop.
And she's like, hello, nice.
You know, and hands her her diplomatic badges or whatever.
And Gleep Glop's like, would you like a sex on the beach?
It's not a cure for cancer.
That's a little bit on the nose.
Instead, it's just a refreshing drink.
Maybe it's like the nicest daiquiri she's ever had.
Right.
And she looks around confused and the generals are like, ha ha.
No, try it.
Seriously.
Have a sip.
Amazing, right?
Gleep Glorps on the other side of the curtain.
But I see all this happening and when it does and they look back and they go, where did the anchorman come from?
Then all of this is in the public record, right?
They're going to say the anchorman was talking about this a long time before it happened on his award-winning, on his phony award-winning podcast.
Is that the Australian phonies?
Yeah, the phonies.
Right.
Yeah, the phony award-winning podcast, Roderick on the Line.
Yeah, I don't know.
There's something, you know, I don't like to be a conspiracy theorist because, you know.
Who really can run a conspiracy?
But there's an alternate version of history in my mind.
You think about this.
You think about what we currently call the First Lady.
But let's call it the first person.
First person.
Well, technically the second person.
But the first person of the White House usually has like a mission.
This is something you go back to Lady Bird, wanted to clean up litter and beautify the highways.
Right.
Michelle Obama wants kids to move more and get in shape.
Barbara Bush, no, not Barbara Bush, Laura Bush was a former teacher, so she's all about literacy.
I can't tell you, as I sit here today, I don't remember Hillary Clinton having a thing.
Maybe she did.
It doesn't really matter for the sake of this conversation.
Here's what I'm trying to say.
She was in, John, she was in a situation for eight years where she had a lot of time.
She had a lot of stuff she could do.
She, can I just say, might have had a little pet project that wasn't quite so public.
So I'm not saying that you're not the anchorman, because I think you could very, you probably will still be the anchorman.
But what if we're just in the second or third chapter of a much bigger story?
What if she's been working on this since 1993?
I think she probably has.
I think she has.
I think she's been laying the groundwork.
She's been getting to know people.
She's been figuring out who she can trust.
Because, you know, inside of any group... I mean, God, this is certainly true in your band.
You can't trust anybody.
There's always going to be somebody who's got their own agenda.
Like, somebody's going to be the cigar-chomping general who wants to blow things up.
Somebody else is the stupid liberal who doesn't know to wear shoes with toes on them.
Right?
You've got to have those characters.
She's been working those channels all the way.
She might...
have been meeting with Gleek Klopp for years now.
And Gleek Klopp, now she's the provisional emissary.
I think you become not just the emissary, the anchorman becomes the public face.
Well, that's what I've always been saying.
Maybe they've been contacting lots of people, people they can trust.
No, come on.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't think so?
I want to keep a closed system.
And I don't think Hillary's been...
I don't think, I think that, yes.
So you're in with most of that except for working directly with Gleep Club.
I think that the groundwork she was laying in 93, contact with UFOs was her presidential fitness plan.
Right.
Maybe somebody starts getting onto it a little bit and she says, oh, how about you get a single payer card for insurance?
Everybody freaks out, pays attention to that.
Don't look over here.
Don't look over here.
Don't look over here.
Don't look over here at the cards that are pouring out of my sleeves.
Oh!
He can't get rid of the cards.
And so what happens is, though, that we live in an electoral democracy.
When Clinton leaves office, it's not like Hillary still has the key to Area 51.
They take the key back.
She's been on the outside.
Yeah, I mean, it isn't like she eventually got a job being the person who deals with heads of state of every country on Earth.
Oh, wait a minute.
She did.
Well, okay, but that job is, again, the key holder.
Yes.
Like the key master.
There's a gatekeeper and a key master, as far as we know.
The key master in this situation.
And then there's only Zool.
Right.
And Zool... Is Gleep Glorp?
No, Zool is... Zool's on the other side of Gleep Glorp.
Because we keep talking about Gleep Glorp.
You're saying it's actually there's a third UFO called Zool that's less than a guess?
He's on the other side of Gleep Corp because that's the thing.
You get into Gleep Corp and you're like, whoa, he's the big shot.
But no, he's just the one.
You're so not ready for Zool.
Meeting Zool is like meeting a memory.
It would be so weird.
If you meet Zool, so you go in, you get a drink.
Gleep Corp makes you a sweet-ass daiquiri.
You show your diplomatic credentials to Gleep Corp.
You put on your gas mask and you go behind the curtain and meet Gleep Corp.
Who's shoving cattle into what looks like part of a mouth.
Then there's a light coming from your refrigerator.
You open the door and there's a staircase.
And you go up and you meet Zool.
Zool.
Okay.
The point is, yes, Hillary Clinton has been the secretary of state, but Obama holds the key.
Oh, he's the key master.
George Bush had no idea that Zool was even there.
They probably tried to tell him so many times.
And it's like the thing where they're trying to get Homer to go into witness protection, and even after hours, he still can't say Homer Thompson.
It's like that.
They sat him down.
He's like a little kid.
They gave him a bowl of cereal and a ball, maybe some yarn to play with.
And they're like, Mr. President, I can't tell you in very specific terms, but I want you to listen super carefully to what I'm trying to tell you right now.
He never was interested, but Cheney.
Sorry, more lucky charms.
Cheney would go down there and he would gobble up whole cows.
He'd sit down there and they'd be sharing cows in their sort of amorphous form.
So in the Obama administration, I'm sure.
Do you think he wears like a jumpsuit when he goes down there or is he in a suit?
Who?
When Cheney goes down to talk with Gleep Glorp, or Gleep Klopp, what do you think?
Does he, like, do you have to wear anything special, or do you have to do any special preparations?
I mean, is it a little presumptuous to assume that they can, like, breathe the same air and eat the same food?
I mean, they understand we like daiquiris, but, like, how would you prepare yourself as the vice president to go and meet Gleep Klopp?
Well, this is, I mean, Gleep...
glop you're gonna meet at the bar gleep glorp it's it's on gleep glorp to breathe our air you know what i mean he's here on our planet right he's operating on such a different level that's like turning a dial for him that's like that's like switching from hbo to showtime for him i will breathe your air except he can't talk because he's an eldritch figure
Well, or maybe he's wearing like a plastic raincoat, like the replicant in Blade Runner, except the plastic raincoat contains... His gaseous form.
His gaseous form.
Oh, man.
Right?
But the thing about Chaney is, here's what we know about Chaney.
He's ruthless.
He's toothless.
Mm-hmm.
But he's a he's a he's he's ultimately a dum dum.
Right.
He's no Hillary Clinton.
And so he's there chatting it up, eating, eating whole cows with glee floor, thinking that's the end of the road.
And I'm pretty sure the Air Force generals.
You're thinking it's more like it's more like, hey, this is cool.
I get to see Hamilton, that kind of thing.
Like he got a little special that day.
Well, that and – this is the thing.
This is what is so hilarious about Gleep Glorp is that he's having the time of his life negotiating with Air Force generals and Dick Cheney and saying like, oh, yeah, totally.
We should totally do that.
And they're like, all right, well, here's what we want to do.
It's like talking to a child who's extremely serious about a pillow fort.
Oh, that sounds great.
We can do that.
Yeah, really good idea.
They're like, we want to invade Iraq and get there, you know, and use alien war technology to make war upon all these people.
And they're like, sure.
Lead Warp is like, yeah, of course.
How about if we give you guys some stealth technology?
And they're like, oh, stealth technology.
We've won.
Hmm.
but they're just dealing with the gaseous, uh, like guy at the front desk.
So, so Gleet Glorp is just kind of stringing them along, like treating them like kids and saying like, Oh God, what an impoverished imagination you have to think that the first thing when you, when you meet a gaseous form inside of a raincoat, who's eating a cow with you, the first thing you would think is, do you have like a, do you have like a lost Ark weapons?
That must seem... He must just shake whatever... If he had a head, he would shake it.
Gleep Glorp is an idiot.
Oh, okay.
Zool has put Gleep Glorp out there.
Oh, okay.
As just like... For the first 50 years that we're interacting with these people, they're not going to be able to handle anything.
So I'm going to put my like...
my totally idiotic brother-in-law out there at the front desk.
Oh, it's an idiocracy type situation.
Yeah.
They're not going to get through this guy to me.
Not for a while.
Not until I get somebody that's, you know, like look at Cheney, right?
Sure.
Cheney,
If you study his body language and the way he talks, he almost perfectly resembles Vincent D'Onofrio's character in Men in Black 1.
You put that guy in some overalls and put him on a porch, I think it's going to be indistinguishable.
Right?
The same sort of head chick.
He's definitely a guy.
Dick Cheney is a guy who has a boat and a trailer.
Right?
He's got some kind of farm that isn't doing as well as it did for his father.
Right?
He's a cockroach inside of, like, a human skin.
Oh, inside of a vice president costume.
Right.
Yeah, okay.
He's kind of like a Dalek.
I get it.
Okay.
We've been in touch ever since Eisenhower.
There's been some...
Somebody in our government is interacting with the UFOs, but they're just handing you the little chewed-on bones of their technology, and it enables the Air Force to feel like,
you know, like, oh, we developed the F-22 Raptor using alien technology.
Yeah, like Tee Hee, we did this amazing thing.
Yeah, but really it's just the stuff on the, it's all the plans on the Jolly Rancher
You know what I mean?
I had a friend who his family used to go to Costa Rica on vacation every year.
And his grandfather, who mainly funded the vacation, he liked the fact that he was kind of a big deal.
And when he went to Costa Rica, he would bring hundreds and hundreds of ballpoint pens.
And give them to children who in 1982 were genuinely amazed by ballpoint pens.
He could get anything he wanted with ballpoint pens.
It was a whole ballpoint pen economy.
I don't know where they are today, the pens with the children.
What I'm saying is something he could go to the first union bank, steal a bunch of pens, show up, give them to these kids, and he got pretty much anything he wanted.
They were happy.
He was happy.
There was never a discussion about exactly how sophisticated of an instrument was involved here.
You give a thirsty man a cup, he's going to think it's the greatest technology in the world.
Am I right?
Well, no.
I mean, if you give a thirsty man a cup, it's just a cup.
That's a good point.
You should have given him water.
That would be the better technology.
Yeah, if you gave a thirsty man a drinking fountain.
That's kind of mean to just give him a cup.
Yeah, it's like, here you go.
This episode of Roderick on the Line is brought to you by Squarespace, the simplest way for anyone to create a beautiful landing page, website, or online store.
You can start building your website today at squarespace.com.
Enter the offer code supertrain at checkout to get 10% off your first purchase.
With easy-to-use tools and templates, Squarespace helps you capture every detail of what drives you.
Because if it's worth the effort, it's worth sharing with the world.
Squarespace puts all the power you need into your hands and takes away the pain points, stuff like worrying about hosting, scaling, or what to do if you get stuck with something.
With Squarespace, you can build a site that looks professionally designed regardless of your skill level because there is no coding required.
You'll easily be able to make your website look and feel exactly how you want.
Squarespace has state-of-the-art technology that powers your site, and that also ensures security and stability.
They're trusted by millions of people and some of the most respected brands in the world.
And their site templates, they're just stunning to look at.
They all feature responsive design to make your site look great on all devices.
Any size is just going to look terrific.
That's just getting started.
Squarespace has tons of awesome features.
They have 24 by 7 support with live chat and email.
They have a Squarespace platform that allows you to add a store to your site.
And they have this amazing cover page functionality to build great looking single page websites.
Rock solid.
Fast hosting.
So much more.
And if you want to stretch Squarespace even further, you have to check out their dev platform.
This lets you dig into the code and tinker with your Squarespace site.
If you sign up for a year of Squarespace, you're going to get a free domain name, and that will allow you to choose exactly what name you want your site to be called.
Perhaps best of all, Squarespace plans begin at just $8 a month.
You can start a trial with no credit card required.
Start building that website today.
You go to squarespace.com.
And when you decide to sign up for Squarespace, please make sure to use the offer code SUPERTRAIN because that is going to get you 10% off your first purchase.
and it will show your support for Roderick Online.
Our thanks to Squarespace for supporting Roderick Online and all the great shows.
How do you like it, buddy?
Hey, are you hungry?
Here, here's a plate.
Here's a bread maker.
I don't have any ingredients for you, because if we had ingredients, you wouldn't be hungry.
Here's a bread maker.
We should really rethink our outreach effort.
Today we're going to introduce you to sous vide cooking.
We have no water or power here.
Oh, but you can cook it at 129 degrees and it's perfect.
You can just sear it at the end.
There is no food here at all to use your instruments on.
Wow, I, you know, thinking about Zool, I'm sorry, we've covered so much.
Can I do a couple quick follow-ups?
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, so, Gleep Glop, Gleep Glorp, and Zool.
And I understand it's difficult to use language to describe this, especially, you know, all of our Earth terms for things, but...
Are they of the same, for example, are they from the same rough place?
Like, let's call it a planet.
Are they from the same planet?
And if so, are they the same kinds of creatures?
See, I'm imagining that the three of them are from completely different places and are completely different kinds of creatures.
Mm-hmm.
I think we're not talking about pandas and red pandas here.
Even though they look pretty different, we still call them pandals.
I think we're talking about a salami versus the concept of God.
Yeah, we don't call them pandals because we're from Earth.
You call them pandals, which is a little confusing to me.
I hate you.
But keep talking our Earth language until we forget about it.
This is the day I'm going to reveal something to you.
On our podcast, I mean podcast.
I feel like all you had to do was watch the movie Masters of the Universe or whatever it was with the raccoon and the tree.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Masters of the Universe.
We are Hodor.
Hodor, Hodor, Hodor.
You got the guy from Parks and Rec.
Right.
All you have to do is watch that to realize that every other planet that isn't Earth is already populated by every kind of race of alien.
Right.
Right?
So raccoons and talking trees and green karate girls are all wandering around together.
And so there's no reason to think that the emissaries to Earth.
It's all strikingly bipedal.
That's true.
Well, that may be one of those things like the three-minute pop song that is just in the Da Vinci sort of proportions.
Oh, like where you flip over, Nicolas Cage flips over the Constitution, and there's a whole thing on there about Glee Club.
And we learned that bipedal is like, it's not just a thing.
So we're not being, not humanist, we're not being earthist with a bias.
No, it actually is bipedals are the best.
It just turns out that that's the best way to get around.
Right.
What if the evolution goes from, like, you're a fish swimming around to you develop four legs to you develop two legs to you become a unipede?
Would that mean, like, lowly worm is the height of evolution for us?
Lowly worm.
Lowly worm's got a shoe.
He has an apple car.
He definitely seems the happiest person in a very happy story.
He is by most...
by most measurements, heavily disabled, but he's able to paint his Apple house because he has a house that looks like an apple.
He's got an apple car like many of us will have in five years.
Jaunty hat.
He's got a cool, like, what do you call that?
What do you call that?
The Australian kind of like hiking hat.
Yeah, it's a Yodelahi Who hat.
It's a Yodelahi Who hat.
Yeah, right.
But then over here, you got Mr. Frumble.
It was a pig that can't drive, which I think is a little bit piggist.
But the pigs seem very happy in those stories, too.
They love getting some hot dog or some ham.
They'll just go order some ham from another pig.
Nobody in a Richard Scarry universe is having a bad time.
And they know their place.
They know what their job is.
Because they have jobs.
I'm a fox that cleans chimneys, and that's okay.
If you've ever been to a little German town somewhere... Who hasn't here?
Right?
A little German town somewhere in the Thuringewald.
Yeah.
Thuringewald.
Mm-hmm.
Scheisse City.
you will find that that is how little German towns operate.
There's a little butcher.
It's like, it's like a rotary club.
They got one of each occupation.
Like over here, this is the, the, this is the, uh, the printmaker.
This is the, this is the pornographer.
Yeah.
The fox is the house painter.
Okay.
The, the, the worm is the yodeler.
Okay.
Uh, you know, like the, that's how little German towns work and you walk around and you, you, you have a, a little basket, uh, Bastic and you put, you shop, uh,
And you buy one pair of orthopedic socks.
But it isn't like Shenzhen.
It isn't like literally millions of people are making iPhones.
No.
There's a lot of segmentation in how the work goes.
Every single person in Germany has a job, which was his father's job, and his father's job before him, or her father's job, because before this generation, no women in Germany worked.
You pass it down like a pocket watch or an addiction.
Yeah, that's right.
It's just like, and it's right there in your name.
It's like, you're the Schwein mueller.
And right.
That means that you turn pigs into wheat.
Yeah.
Well, or you are mulled wine.
I can never tell which Mueller means.
No, it probably means... You could mull a pig, I bet.
Yeah.
I mean, if you really wanted it.
Dude, now I didn't realize I wanted it until you said it.
Isn't that funny how that works?
There should be a name for that.
There's probably a German name for that.
I had a very interesting experience the other day, which gave me new insight, I think, into this whole question that we're talking about.
The UFO question.
Well, and the... I mean, yeah, let's call it the UFO question.
Because that's something people can understand.
For better or for worse.
But it's also the Masters of the Universe question a little bit.
Marvel's Masters of the Universe.
Marvel's Masters of the Universe.
The sort of the United Nations idea of UFOs.
And that Earth people are just waiting.
We're just being sort of cultivated so that one day we are ready to join the United Nations of UFOs.
of universe inhabitants.
Oh, we're like the turkey of the universe.
So far, I mean, it feels like... The EU is going to kind of wait and see how it goes.
You're not going to get on the first ballot.
Right, not on the first ballot, right?
And you want to be in.
But the thing is, all of our movies depict the United Nations of the universe as mostly human beings with some blue people walking around.
You get like a Star Wars Senate.
Because we're trying to get it.
We're trying to get what it's going to be like.
But in future UFO movies, we're going to find more and more that the humans are the weird ones and most everybody else there looks like a rhinoceros.
But over time, we're getting accustomed to the idea.
But the other day, I was walking through a park.
And I saw a group of people.
Now, I'm not sure.
Are you familiar with the gutter punk subculture?
I think so.
This is the young and willfully homeless Gus Van Sant kids.
Right, right.
Is this kind of a private Idahoan culture?
They do.
Well, it is, yes.
But gutter punks within even that culture are a very specific brand of my own private Idahoans.
Okay.
Where they have a clear aesthetic and for all of their...
their outsiderness like you can if you see two gutter punks coming through the rye you're going to recognize them as a member of the same tribe and that tribe overlaps with you know with the normal sort of
I find it to be even less punk than it is... It's closer to, like, tribal...
like nine inch nails-y style than it is like just classic hardcore or whatever.
But it's its own tribe.
And it's a... It's a little more like dark and gothy?
No, I mean, it's like tribal scarification and tattooing and like elongated ear loads.
Oh, you got the sink stoppers, yeah.
Stuff that within like a hardcore community wouldn't exactly be what everybody was rocking over there.
But but one of the defining things about their about their aesthetic is that they mend their own clothes.
They wear just sort of they each one have sort of one outfit that they that they mend over and over.
And.
You have to wonder, some of that stuff seems pre-mended.
You know what I mean?
Like if you're a young gutter punk and you come on the scene, you've already got a kind of like a scarecrow outfit.
I agree.
Before you've really like worn holes.
Like if somebody gave them a nice pair of slacks to fit well, they might not accept it.
Well, or they'd start mending them right away.
Oh, they'd pre-mend them.
But, you know, they're mostly wearing sort of clothes that are based in black colors.
But then you put a layer of dirt and grime on it, and it all kind of takes on this sort of gray-blue, like blue-gray-black...
I mean, there's a certain color of garment that if I saw it, if I saw a swatch of it, I would say gutter punk because it's a patina you cannot get any other way.
Anyway, I have a long, long, long history and involvement with gutter punks.
I had a good friend whose name was Grant, and he decided at the age of about 21...
That he wanted to be known as Grant Funk Raro?
That's not even that funny the first time.
Have I ever told you about Grant Funk Raro?
No, no, I don't think you have.
Grant was a beautiful guy and a gutter punk.
How much time did you really spend on that one?
Grant Funk Raro?
I'm sure that what happened was, like a lot of gutter punk culture, it came up at some point when he was wasted.
He was high, and then he... And then it stuck.
Grant Funk Rairo.
God.
And people would refer to him by that name, Grant Funk Rairo.
Rairo.
Grant was... And this was at a time when I was... You know, I was never... Certainly never a gutter punk, but also never really...
Like a confirmed street kid because I always – you can't take – at a certain point of education, even self-education, you cannot take that education back.
Yeah.
As a dear friend of mine used to say, you can't choose to join the proletariat.
Right.
If you've got a phone number in your pocket that you could call to make it all get better within a couple days, you're not really in the proletariat.
Yeah, that's right.
You can choose to not eat today, but that's really different from the legacy of having missed a lot of meals as a kid.
It's a very different thing.
Yeah, you can choose to not eat for a month, but it's the Mother Teresa Gandhi problem, right?
They went all that way
toward the identification of themselves with people who truly are suffering, but they both came from...
They both went to college.
They didn't do it exclusively to look cool, though.
No, no, no.
They had the best of intentions.
They helped a lot of people.
I see it all the time.
People who, when they affix that Wagmore Barkless bumper sticker to the back of their Subaru, they mean it.
They're not kidding, right?
They're not just judging.
No.
They're helping.
But, so these, so GutterPunks and I, we traded in the same marketplace for a while and Grant was actually a very close friend and we sort of crashed together often, crashed upon one another fairly regularly when we were too wasted to move on down the road and Grant, you know, smelled terrible but I did too.
But he had a certain – he was prepared to go further down the drain.
He was committed.
He was more committed.
I was at a party with him one time and he stuck a fork into a burner on an electric stove because we were using the burner to hot knife –
hash and he stuck a fork into it because we're all you know heating up this hot knife to like hot knife some drugs and he stuck a fork into it and we're like you know it's not called hot forking it's called hot knifing and he took the fork after it was red hot and he just pressed it into his arm and
And I was like, what are you doing?
It seems like something you could learn from watching Quincy.
Yeah, don't do that.
But, you know, that's where the line between me and... That's so crazy, man.
What are you doing?
But he was, you know, he was legit.
And I...
He was legit what?
He was legit... You're not defending this kind of behavior, are you?
No, but I mean, at the time, it was like, that's a pretty good party trick because you're going to have a burned fork on your arm the rest of your life.
Yeah, that's true.
And you did that just now, just for our benefit, which is now.
Like, I got to give it up to that.
I'm not going to try it.
I have no desire to... I guess I'm just... I'm not that attracted to things that make less of a statement than a t-shirt I would never wear.
Well...
That's that's not like what is what's he committed to when he's doing that?
Who knows?
OK, sorry.
I mean, if you if you I mean, there are people who have put less thought than that into tattoos.
Oh, got to skip that one.
So anyway, your point is your point is he is committed to the gutter punk lifestyle and ethos.
Well, I don't – I'm not even sure that gutter punks would describe anything about – I'm struggling to understand what this means.
They would describe anything about themselves as being an ethos, certainly not, or even a lifestyle.
I think if you posed this question to any gutter punk, they would just dismiss the whole line of questioning outright.
Yeah.
But here's the thing.
I'm walking through a park and I come upon a very large group of gutter punks.
There's probably 20 plus gutter punks of all sizes and shapes and genders and races, right?
It's truly a tribe of gutter punks in like situ.
And generally you see about four of them at a time, right?
And one of them will have a...
One of them will have a German Shepherd puppy on a chain.
And, you know, one of them will have a – like one of their aesthetics is to take the little metal cap, little metal top of a Bic lighter, and they take those and sort of crunch them into the brim of their baseball hats or onto their Levi's jackets.
So it makes a kind of little –
It has the effect of kind of studs, leather jacket studs, but they didn't even have to pay for the studs.
They just ripped this stuff off of lighters that are used old lighters.
Their people use every part of the lighter.
They use every part of the lighter.
That's exactly right.
And so you usually see between two and four of them traveling together.
And there are as many female gutter punks as there are males.
I mean, it's a very like...
It really is, it's almost like Oregon Country Fair, but turned into dystopian future punk thing.
But here's, there's 20, 25 of them all together.
And I walk up on this group very curious, like, why, what, is this the gathering?
Like, why are you all here?
And they're playing music.
And as I get closer, I realize they are playing music.
full on like hillbilly mountain music there's a guy with a tiny tiny tiny little like piccolo banjo they're producing full on hillbilly mountain music they are and they are rocking it right there's somebody playing I shit you not a tub bass wow like a broomstick and a washtub and a like boom one string bass
I didn't see that one coming.
Right?
There's someone playing what we once upon a time called a Jew harp, which is now a jaw harp.
There's a harmonica.
There are like two guitars.
There's a full-size banjo.
There's this piccolo banjo.
There's like a violin and a flute, and all the instruments are gutter-punked too, right?
They're all like either handmade or found and patched.
Did they look a little bit like Dexie's Midnight Runners?
They looked exactly like Dexie's Midnight Runners.
That's all I can see.
If you took Dexie's Midnight Runners from 1982 and you put them...
And you chewed them up and spit them into a hole in the ground like kimchi and left it there until now.
Oh, you get a little trowel.
You gently move the dirt aside and inside, gutter punks.
Is this banjo group of gutter punks.
And the music they're making is great.
It's like, I mean, like mountain hillbillies are not that far away from gutter punks anyway.
And it's come full circle, right?
It's like this could be 1918 and here they are and they are singing and playing with a lot of like joy.
And there are several gutter punks that are obviously part of the camp train that aren't playing music with them currently but are sitting around kind of looking like sort of sneering and looking like
you know and regarding me with a look of like oh do you like this oh is that something that you like which is kind of a like a classic punk rock move yeah right like where you pull your shirt down and show your boob and then when somebody looks at you're like oh do you like that is that something that you like
We were like, oh man.
Really working against the grain.
I'm super shamed now.
I stopped to listen to this band and now I'm super shamed by their friends for liking it.
Because, oh, is that, are we entertaining you?
Are we like a clown to you?
Are you not amused?
But I'm really entertained.
And the thing that is most entertaining is that this band requires that these gutter punks have done a thing which is antithetical to gutter punkism, which is that they have coordinated with one another.
They got a little bit organized.
They got organized.
They learned a bunch of songs together.
They're all playing music together.
And yet, they are clearly true gutter punks, right?
I mean, you can tell by looking at them that they're not posers.
This is a real tribe of totally real, deep, deep, deep in it, never going to be part of the normal world gutter punks.
And yet, they're making banjo music that's actually good.
And I was like...
This is fucking UFOs.
Oh, right.
This is not, this is an analogy.
Is which part of it an analogy?
I don't know.
You're saying Dexys, Midnight Runners, Gutterpunk, Committed Kimchi people, they might actually literally be UFOs?
I'm saying that the Venn diagrams are starting to overlap.
This is one of the signs.
It does not strain credulity.
I have to tell you.
Okay, so here's the thing.
You do a Pepsi challenge.
Is this person an UFO?
Which one of these people is an UFO?
Right?
I mean, I think, you know, five times out of seven, I might pick the gutter punks.
Well, line them up against the wall, right?
Here's your straight-laced banker, Mr. Business Guy.
And here's your housewife who's taking a little bit of Mother's Little Helper every day.
Fucking hypocrites.
Here's your gutter punk who's living an alternative lifestyle.
I got a lighter in my hat.
Which one's the UFO, right?
Everybody's going to say the businessman or the housewife.
No one's going to say the gutter punk.
Yeah.
Because it's too obvious.
Hmm.
But in fact, this was, I think, a little bit of a sign.
A little bit of a glimpse behind the matrix because how many people know enough about gutterpunk subculture to walk up on a thing like that and say, wait a minute.
This is weird.
The gathering of the gutter punks.
See, my concern, I don't mean to scrape your story here, but my thing is, like, I feel like, and maybe this is just the entitlement of being my age and having been through, you know, a couple rodeos, I feel like I can look at the gutter punks and go, yeah, you know, that's stupid, but I get that.
I get what they're going for there.
I'll tell you, man, there's a lot of housewives out there that I would find a lot more inscrutable.
Maybe we all get the UFO we deserve.
Well, that's exactly right.
It's like a beard.
If you are living in the suburbs and there's a housewife that's behaving abnormally, that's not that unusual, right?
People who complain about the food that was brought to a potluck at an elementary school.
I'm much more likely to think that might be an UFO.
Well, no, that's the thing, though.
Every housewife in the suburbs is unusual in her own way.
Oh, Anna Karenina.
So the woman that's complaining about the food at a potluck, she's behaving consistent with the overarching scheme of a housewife who is drinking a little bit of white wine in the morning.
But if you saw four suburban housewives walking down the street all carrying field hockey sticks over their shoulders, or if you saw four housewives playing field hockey,
you would know that that was...
maybe a little bit unusual.
Sure, sure, sure.
That is the equivalent of seeing 25 gutter punks playing banjos.
Okay, yeah, I get it.
I can tell you that the thing I really get, I can get how that must have been a really crazy experience.
Except very subtle, right?
Because at first blush, you're like, oh, here's a bunch of gutter punks and they're being a pain in the ass.
But then to see them passionately playing music well on home-built instruments,
It was just it either either that subculture is expanding because because a fake gutter punk in that situation would not have cut it.
Right.
That that the core of that group was was was definitely down.
You're saying like if Steve Vai showed up or something.
He's wearing more like a vest.
Some crusty kid who is just running away from home.
Wouldn't be part of this gang.
These guys are going to the bottom of the ocean together.
But like, yeah.
So anyway, it just seemed to be one of those signs of like stuff's going to start to come unraveled.
Every once in a while you're going to put a credit card into one of those parking meter things and it's going to say, today your parking is free.
You're going to say, what?
That never happens.
And there's a reason it never happens because these computers now are programmed to be pure evil but all of a sudden the parking meter is just pumping out
Like free tickets.
Oh, right.
And then you stand there and you watch and the next person has to pay.
And you're like, that was just for me?
Like little things.
Little things are going to start going right.
Okay.
And so what does that indicate?
Well, that's just, I mean, little things go wrong all the time.
Oh, yeah.
That's a jam up day.
But when little things start going right.
Oh.
When the check engine light goes off.
Oh.
Right?
Right.
Right?
When the closet door that's always stuck stops ticking.
Interesting.
It's like, who's laying the groundwork for what here?
Uh-huh.
You see what I'm saying?
I think I do.
I think I do.
When the gutter punk start organizing and contributing to society in the form of music.
Hmm.
Like, in a way, they're violating their credo, but it's still consistent with their credo.
I don't understand how it's possible.
It's like bending light.
Mm-hmm.
Is it a juggalo thing for you?
What?
Well, you know, you remember you had to change your heart about the juggalos.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
You know, sometimes you'll dive deep on a culture.
I'm assuming you Google them.
But in this case, this is out of your personal experience.
You've seen people jamming the tops of lighters into their hats.
They've got a cute dog with a bandana.
Dog's not that cute, actually.
Dog's pretty scroungy.
Scroungy dog.
The thing about juggalos is that...
So I do not, there must be some Gutterpunk-Juggalo overlap, but I don't think there's much.
Okay, okay.
I think Gutterpunks keep to themselves.
I'm still waiting for the Juggalo rising, and I know that they most definitely feel chosen by the UFOs, but I think that's another one of these Dick Cheney eating cows with Gleeplorp.
I think you're right.
For example, let's say you decided you wanted to get a personal assistant.
You probably would not go on Twitter and say, hey, does anybody want to be my personal assistant?
Well, you might not.
Okay.
I do it all the time.
Okay.
Okay.
Because the problem is you have a lot of vetting to do and it's not going to be the most qualified people because what kind of super qualified person sits on Twitter looking for a job and just answers that thing randomly?
You would want to do something a little more strategic.
Okay.
So the UFOs would not necessarily want to go to the people who already regard themselves.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a little bit on the nose.
Yeah, they're not walking up on people that have a green alien on a t-shirt, on a really long baggy t-shirt.
I hope not.
A green alien smoking a bong.
Yeah, I really hope not.
Or like an alien Bart Simpson or something.
I really hope not.
But they might sidle up.
So one of those, let's say you're a juggalo who's got an alien face on a long T-shirt.
Every once in a while, you've got to go to the dentist, right?
Because your mom is going to say, you've got to go to the dentist.
Yeah, you aren't still on her insurance.
You might as well use it.
Right.
You're not a gutter punk who never goes to the dentist, whose teeth are black.
You're a juggalo who sometimes makes it back to grandma's house.
You drink a lot of pop.
You want to get that taken care of.
You probably haven't seen your mom in a long time, but you do see your grandma.
She understands.
And she's going to take you to the dentist.
So you get in the elevator at the dentist's office and you're riding up.
The dentist's office is on the fourth floor because none of the buildings in your town are taller than five stories tall.
On the second floor, the elevator stops.
The door opens.
A guy gets in.
He's going up two.
And in the space of going up two floors, you, Juggalo in the glow-in-the-dark alien smoking a bong t-shirt, have a conversation with this guy
You get off on the fourth floor to go to the dentist's office.
He stays on to go to the fifth floor inexplicably.
But in the course of those two stories that you travel together, he gives you some information about UFOs that indicates to you that you have been tapped.
Okay.
Right?
That's how it's going to happen.
That's how it's going to happen to a juggalo.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
So they're thinking it's going to be like a Matrix kind of scenario, like an Agent Smith type is going to sidle up.
Right, and then they're going to go back to their tribe, their gathering, and they're going to say, dudes, dudes, I had an experience.
And that's going to galvanize a certain little quadrant.
The juggalos are going to go into the next day with new knowledge, new information.
So that when the anchorman comes, they are primed to know their job in the system, right?
When the anchorman starts appearing on the television monitors at the toad in the hole...
They're ready.
They know what this is about.
Stay tuned for a very special announcement.
Oh, here it comes.
Here comes the Anchorman.
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
It's the Anchorman.
I love that name so much.
I don't understand why you're using it, but I really like it.
Because he could be the Anchorman like in a relay.
We're the first guy that does not drop the baton of stupid.
Because you're the anchor man.
You're the last one.
You've got to do that last quarter mile.
What I'm not claiming is that the UFOs are giving me any privileged information.
They are just picking me to sit in the chair...
Have the experience of experiencing the ufos for the first time with everybody as a kind of proxy Mm-hmm so that I'm seeing it just as everyone else is seeing it But I'm on TV saying look.
This is what we're seeing.
Am I right?
Are we seeing this?
Yes Are you worried?
Are you worried?
This is gonna seem perfidious or disloyal to your countrymen?
Well, this is this is what this is the trust of
This is why they picked me, right?
Because the trust that I'm able to inspire where other people are like, is this guy just feeding us a line of bull?
Is he just some brainwashed juggalo?
Why him?
Why phony award-winning podcaster John Roderick?
Yeah, why should we listen to him?
Who's this guy?
He's just telling us what the aliens want us to hear.
It seems like it would be Carson Daly.
Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly right.
I think a lot of people are going to say that.
Literally, that's what people are going to say.
Why not Carson Daly?
Carson Daly's already a Borg, right?
Or Jimmy Kimmel, right?
They're already parroting what the alien masters want them to say.
Why not just use one of them?
Yeah, I mean, it seems so obvious.
That's the key, right?
Put a fresh spin on the brand.
Yeah, in order for people to truly trust the messenger, the messenger has to be outside.
The messenger has to be able to criticize the message.
Interesting.
Right?
So they don't see you as a dupe or a mope or a schmoe.
No, I'm not a schmoe or a mope.
Or a dope.
Or a dope.
So if the UFOs do something weird, if stuff starts going a little bit sideways or inexplicable, I would be there saying, well, now, wait a minute.
This is a little bit inexplicable.
You're telling me you might be calling Gleep Glorp on a shit?
I would be calling the Gleep Glorps.
And the thing is, they're way ahead of me.
They know I'm going to be calling them on their shit.
Does the boot fear the ant?
Does the boot fear the ant?
The whole game would be, this is the amazing thing about the game, the whole game would be, am I aware enough
At what level am I aware of my culpability?
At what level am I aware I'm being duped?
And I would always be searching for the next layer of being duped like I already am.
Yeah, think about how many people join the army knowing exactly what happens to people who join the army.
Like why we have an army.
Well, I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but sometimes we have wars and you're going to have to go die.
And you sign up for that.
That's your job.
Now, you're also probably going to get a college education and medical care for life.
But let's set that aside for now.
You're saying you go into this open, open, wide eyes shut, heart, heart open.
You go into this and you're all ready.
Right.
You're you're you're you're ready to go into this great guns.
You're going to you're going to ride this thing as long as it goes.
But you're going to keep your eyes open.
Well, that's, I mean, this is what qualifies me for the job, right?
Because we already spend all day every day going, I know I'm being duped a thousand different ways.
How?
Like, I accept refined sugar.
I accept the fact that they are playing Weezer in the grocery store now.
I accept the fact that I cannot drive a car without putting a seatbelt on because the car will lecture me.
through a series of bongs, I accept all these things.
I know that I'm being mind-controlled.
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm also looking for the next layer of mind control, and the one after that, that's the job.
That's the job of being anchorman.
Okay, I'm finally getting it.
It's the same reason when they call me up for jury duty and I go, I really don't want jury duty.
And they go, really?
Tell us more.
And I say, ah...
I don't trust the system.
No offense, you guys, but the system seems weird.
The two jury things I've sat on, I tried really hard, but I still didn't feel great about how it turned out.
And, you know, it's difficult.
And they all look at each other and they're fucking licking their chops because you know what?
I just identify myself as the ultimate juror that both sides would love because I've shown that I fret and I think about it and I don't have a hard-on for either side.
That's right.
Right?
And that's kind of you at the UFOs.
That's right.
Except instead of two attorneys, it's three aliens.
They want somebody who's up there saying what everybody's thinking.
Right.
And that's how people learn to trust the spokesperson.
Right, right, right.
And the game for me would be like, I know that's what they're doing too.
Yeah.
And I'm saying that out loud.
Ladies and gentlemen, I share your concerns.
I've talked to Gleep Glorp about this.
I believe me, I understand.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's ask ourselves this question.
Is Zool the last one?
Everybody says who the fuck is Zool.
Yeah, like...
Let me handle that.
Let me worry about that.
But is Zul even the last one?
I don't think Zul is.
I think Zul is probably the guy behind the desk at the U.S.
Embassy in Niger.
That's all I can do not to think about what is the nature of the fourth UFO.
You've gone past the daiquiri.
Yep.
You've eaten some whole cows.
You've eaten some whole cows with Dick Cheney.
And Dick Cheney's still sitting there on the couch.
You've met less than a gaseous form inside of a space raincoat.
You go into the refrigerator and up the stairs, and there's Zool.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
And then what?
Then what?
You cross the streams, obviously, at that point.
Mm-hmm.
You get a team of three female Ghostbusters, and you cross the streams.
Easy text.
The question becomes, are you okay with that?
Are you okay with not knowing what exists behind that fourth door?
It sounds to me like you're okay with that, and you're maybe even curious.
Right.
Who can know what's behind the fourth door?
Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton.
She's the one that knows.
Do a contingency plan, if anything happens to you, God forbid, do you have a contingency plan in mind for who could be your second in this?
No, I don't think that's... Do you think they'd have to just cancel the whole thing?
John is not available.
Hmm.
He has experienced earth death.
I mean death.
I think that first they're going to put me through one of those airport scanners.
Oh, this is where they fix your health.
Yeah, they fix my health.
The first three times you said this, I thought it was a very, very funny bit.
And I'm starting to realize it's not a bit.
No, it's not a bit at all.
The first thing they're going to do is they're going to repair the ligaments in my ACL.
They're going to give you space Tommy John surgery.
They're going to clean me out.
They're going to take off all the skin tags.
No more eczema.
Your head's not going to be allergic to itself anymore.
That's right.
My little broken finger is going to be able to straighten itself out all the way.
Oh, man.
What about your teeth?
Are they going to fix your teeth?
They're absolutely going to fix my teeth.
That's what I'm really waiting for.
That's so nice.
They just corn on the cob again.
They're going to take all the little cancerous cells that haven't started to metastase size yet, and they're going to just take them out.
This is nothing for them.
This is like running a hellnack over a sweater to them.
This is nothing.
I'm going to be like washed rice.
After this, they're just going to comb out all the impurities.
And then, I mean, maybe after the anchorman has, you know, there's going to be a certain point at which my brain can't handle it anymore.
Yeah.
And then they're going to retire me to a, to a veld somewhere.
Do you think they'd put you down with the UFOs?
By this point, I mean, you're going to live for, let's be honest, about 700 years.
Yeah.
Because as we've discovered with science, even if we fix all the things, there's still a statistical probability.
It's going to be very difficult to live beyond a certain amount of years.
In your case, I'm going to say they're probably going to give you the underconing and not charge you for it also.
Yeah.
They're going to give you all the things so you don't get future skin tags.
It comes right from the factory.
The undercoating comes right from the factory.
They know diseases we haven't even heard of yet.
They're going to fix you.
You're going to be good to go.
But something's going to happen.
Heat death of the universe.
But 700 years from now, you're going to need to retire.
Let's call it a Methuselian 700 years.
Yeah.
What is it?
769?
969.
969.
He went over to nine, but I feel like seven is good for me.
Yeah.
But, you know, I was talking to my mom the other day and it's been very hot up here in the Northwest.
I was gone for the weekend and I came back.
I was like, hey, mom, what'd you do this weekend?
And she said, well, I mostly read.
And I said immediately, wow, that sounds like a great weekend.
And she was like, it really was.
And then I heard us.
as though listening from outside.
I was like, huh, that's interesting.
My mom spent the entire weekend reading and I immediately
identified that and identified with that as a great weekend.
You don't even have to stop to process it.
You just go like, that sounds really nice.
Wow, you just read all weekend?
Wow.
But there are a lot of people that would not think that was a great weekend, and there are a lot of people that would think that was a horrible weekend, and there are a lot of people that wouldn't even be able to process those words.
Wouldn't consider it a weekend.
Why would you, what?
So let's say the Anchorman is 700 years old.
Will you eventually start referring to yourself in the third person regularly?
Well, we'll see.
I'm sorry.
Will the anchorman start referring to himself in the third person?
We'll see what the anchorman decides.
Because the anchorman's an independent thinker, and he's going to decide for himself.
You have no idea how much wisdom you're going to accumulate.
You don't have to worry about stupid shit anymore.
Well, obviously, there's still tons of stupid shit.
You may discover new kinds of stupid shit you didn't know about, but you're not going to have to think about skin tags and eczema.
You're not going to have to think about that finger in your teeth.
All that stuff is gone, and I'm assuming...
You're filled with the spirit now.
Now you are truly living what we thought.
You know, back in the 1960s, Peter Drucker, we're all going to have this creative culture in the life of the mind.
Guess who's living that?
The anchorman.
The anchorman, right?
And the anchorman, it is a job being the anchorman.
So obviously they're filling my space account with bitcoins.
If you take it seriously, everything's a job, John.
It doesn't have to be a bad, it's not a death sentence to have a job.
No, but it pays is what I'm saying.
Oh.
So like my Bitcoin indicator is like going ding, ding, ding or whatever.
Do you think they'd pay in space dollars?
Well, they would.
But what are Bitcoins if not space dollars?
That's it.
I feel like I'm getting sick.
Oh, God.